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henqiguai · 2 years

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Slow Damage Review (Spoilers!)

I’ve let Slow Damage continuously sear off layers of my brain in the span of 2 weeks and now I have to make all my thoughts on the game everyone’s problem (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و

Spoiler-Free Bare Essentials

Slow Damage is a BL visual novel developed by Nitro+CHiRAL, who are responsible for popular titles such as Dramatical Murder and Togainu no Chi. The year is 20-something-something. A massive recession in Japan has lead to the formation of the chaotic, yakuza-controlled city of Shinkoumi. You follow the protagonist Towa, an artist who gains inspiration by drawing out his muses’ deepest, darkest desires. As you proceed through the game, you dig deeper and deeper into the mysteries of Towa’s past and capture the hearts of his rogue gallery of men: an ossan, the “mom friend”, his problematic ex, and A Lawyer.

If you haven’t played the game yet but are intrigued by anything I’ve just said, please play the game first because I don’t want to spoil you! Just make sure you heed the extensive list of trigger and content warnings because this game is not fucking around with the dark content and sensitive subjects it tackles. Otherwise, let’s get into it ヽ(　･∀･)ﾉ

!!Spoilers!!

Characters

Towa is our main character. He’s an artist under the pseudonym “euphoria”, creating pieces after euphoric episodes in which he draws out his muses’ deepest desires. He usually has his muses enact their desires on him, so as you can imagine it’s often a painful and bloody process.

Towa can also read people’s Smoke, which is a unique aura surrounding each person that fluctuates based on their emotions. Also if it was entirely up to him he would live exclusively off of alcohol and cigarettes. Thankfully he has Taku and Rei to keep their hot mess of a friend alive.

I absolutely adore Towa and he was hands down my favorite character in the whole game. I loved being in his head and understanding the unique way he views the world, the people around him, and his relationship with sex and violence. Towa doesn’t value his life highly, nor does he particularly want to die. He’s outwardly apathetic, although his friends know not to take it to heart most of the time.

One line of dialogue that really stood out to me is in Taku’s route where he says something to the effect of “the way you go about sex is a form of punishment”. Towa enjoys masochistic sex, but he also uses sex and pain to feel dehumanized and to cope with his deep trauma. He isn’t used to being treated gently (nor does he initially want to be), which makes the scenes where he is being taken care of hit harder.

I will talk more about Towa as we get into each of the love interests.

Dr. Feel Good

Can you believe Rania gave us the Taku theme song over a decade ago.

Dr. Murase Takuma or Taku is an old man that was specifically designed to cater to ME, ossanlover69. He runs a clinic in Shinkoumi and keeps Towa gainfully employed despite the fact that Towa rarely shows up on time to work without him having to burst into his room banging pots and pans. Taku is one half of Team Keep Towa Breathing along with Rei, making sure his room is tidy and patching up his wounds after his intense euphoria sessions. Taku has been Towa’s doctor since he was young and has been taking care of him for years. Towa also uses Murase as his last name when he needs one. This is a fact that makes me want to walk right into the ocean.

In his route, you find out that Taku owes a significant debt to Toono, a high ranking member of the Takasato-gumi. Because of this, daddy is forced to make some bad drugs for Toono, which tears him up on the inside and causes Rei and Towa to be alarmed by his suspicious behavior. In the good end, Towa helps Taku decide not to finish making the drugs and Taku turns himself into the authorities. Towa becomes Taku’s malewife and picks up his convict hubby when he gets out of jail a year later. In the bad end, Taku goes full yandere and confines Towa in the bowels of his clinic. Bug hallucinations and (you guessed it) drugs are involved. Fun.

My Thoughts:

I quite enjoyed Taku within his own route! I love the dynamic of confident!Towa and inexperienced with men!Taku. We know who’s calling the shots in this relationship (spoiler alert it’s not Taku). The dialogue during their good end nsfw scene is some of my favorites from the game. Towa isn’t someone who can say “I love you” easily. I don’t believe he says it to any of his love interests despite receiving confessions. However, Towa thinking that the moment he saw Taku get shot was the point stopped taking Taku for granted hits harder than an “I love you” for me. Also Towa’s embarrassment at Taku’s careful attention to him was extremely cute. The mortifying new experience of being loved and cherished.

OK, now for the bad. The further you get into the game, the more this man’s name gets dragged through the fucking mud. We find out that Taku has been keeping information about Towa’s past from him in order to shield Towa from having to face the deeply traumatic experiences of his childhood. In Madarame’s route, Madarame uses this to create an irreparable rift between Towa and Taku. In Fujieda’s route, Taku is actively trying to keep Towa from learning more by refusing to share information and even attempting to burn evidence.

This information does sour his good ending a little, as we know there are skeletons that will likely stay in the closet forever while they’re together. In Fujieda’s route where Towa is trying to learn about his past, Taku’s actions become a lot harder to swallow. However, I do think Fujieda is the key to Towa being able to confront his past and begin the healing process. Seeing how Towa reacted to learning about what Maya did to him, I’m not sure if Taku (or Rei or Madarame), even with all his love and concern, would have been enough to stop Towa from hurting himself. Therefore, was it the right call for Taku not to say anything in his own route? Is it better for Towa to move forward with his life without having to drag up painful memories, especially without the right kind of support? I don’t know!!

I have to move on now this is getting way too long. So many people say they love pathetic dilfs but when Taku is a pathetic 40 something year old hot mess forced to commit crimes and is a big liar suddenly I’m the only one stepping up to bat for him?! Unbelievable.

Gong Yoo Sakaki shows up asks you if you wanna play a game of ddakji Moneymatch wyd

Izumi Rei is Taku and Towa’s friend who works part-time at Taku’s clinic. He’s also a bartender at Towa’s favorite bar Roost, and enjoys participating in Deathmatch fights. He is the other half of Team Keep Towa Breathing, making sure Towa is fed and has like a sip of water occasionally. He has a kind and outgoing personality.

In his route, Rei learns that his shitty deadbeat father has left him a hefty gambling debt to pay off. Because of this, Rei has to participate in Moneymatch fights, which are high risk (the loser is killed), high reward ($$$$$). Towa spends his time in this route trying to help Rei with his debt, and also with Rei’s struggles with his gender identity. In the good end, Rei settles the debt, decides to embrace his identity as a man, and whisks Towa away to travel together. In the bad end, Rei continues to fight Moneymatch fights while keeping Towa confined in his room (are we sensing a pattern here). There is some body modification and eye stuff involved. Fun.

My Thoughts:

I love Rei a lot! To be honest I like him more as a friend to Towa (and Taku), but I do think Rei’s route does a better job fleshing out Rei and Towa’s chemistry compared to Taku and Towa. Underneath layers of apathy, Towa displays little signs that he cares for Rei and pays close attention to him. For example, noticing that Rei bites his fingernails when he’s stressed, which tips him off that Rei is struggling with something. Rei is willing to lean into Towa’s desire for violence in a mutually agreed upon way. Like Rei enjoys the thrill of a fight and his wish was to fight Towa without holding back, which Towa likes (and it’s Rei in the heat of a fight which causes Towa to take notice of Rei in a non-platonic way for the first time). Also I loved confident power bottom!Towa with virgin!Rei. The “congrats on the sex” comment had me ROLLING.

OK, now for the bad. I’m not sure I loved the way Rei’s gender dysphoria was handled, although I do think a sincere effort was made to tell Rei’s story. I thought the direction of his route would be for him to accept both his feminine and masculine sides, instead of only embracing his masculine side. Also in Fujieda’s route Rei mentions trying to reconnect with his shitty homophobic father which is just... no? why? Finally the haircut N+C decided Rei needed at the end should constitute as a jumpscare. Let him have long hair!!

Big Dick is Back in Town

Madarame Kei is Towa’s mysterious ex-fuckbuddy that used to be a part of the Takasato-gumi. He was thought to be dead after a traumatic fight that resulted in his “death” and the death of Towa’s half-brother/fellow yakuza member, and caused Towa to lose his eye. But now he and his magnum dong are back in town and ready to be your problematic fave. His route is unlocked after you finish Taku’s route, and the game teases you by repeatedly mentioning that a “ghost” has been beating the shit out of people in the Deathmatch areas. Hmm I wonder who it could possibly be?

In his route, we learn that Madarame has come back to destroy the Takasato-gumi. He’s also here for Towa. Instead of contacting him like a normal person, Madarame kidnaps Towa and chains him up in a dirty building (again, are we sensing a theme). After days of abuse, Madarame lets Towa go. But Towa soon realizes that his life is full of malaise, and only Madarame can give Towa what he really wants: the thrill of violence which makes him feel truly alive. And Madarame and him are very sexually compatible so there’s that. He then returns back to Madarame. In the good end, they take down the Takasato-gumi, cut ties with Taku and Rei forever, and go on fighting adventures together. In the bad end, Madarame becomes the new leader of Shinkoumi, with Towa as his loyal underling. Knife and bloodplay are involved. Fun.

My Thoughts:

As far as N+C bastard men go, I actually enjoyed this route a lot more than I expected! I think my feelings can be summarized as “it’s not personally for me, but I get it”.

Madarame represents a piece of Towa’s traumatic past. He isn’t here to help Towa heal from his traumatic experiences, rather, he simply wants to live with a version of Towa that still has fighting spirit in him. Madarame understands Towa’s physical needs in a way that Taku and Rei do not. By the end of the route, they’re able to establish a balance between violence and their definition of love. I think that after Towa returns to Madarame out of his own free will, their chemistry really shines, and I especially liked the scene where they were drinking sake together. Very spicy.

Ok, now for the bad. Towa’s thought process in hating Madarame and hating himself for wanting Madarame makes a lot of sense. Towa deciding to return to the man who abused him after realizing he no longer fits into his old life as a result of Madarame’s actions/what Madarame wanted Towa to realize also makes a lot of sense. But. This game does such a good job at walking me through Towa’s thoughts as he’s being abused, it just hit too many raw nerves and made it hard for me to fully enjoy them as a couple (although like I said, they do find their own balance by the end of the route). Also I didn’t love that Towa completely severed ties with Taku and Rei before leaving with Madarame. After spending hours investing in this OT3 friendship and watching Towa achieve happy ends with both of them, it made me so :((((. Also... not the matching mullets.........

Despite all of this, any route that makes me chew on it as much as I did with Madarame is good, and I appreciated a change in dynamic compared to Taku and Rei.

Lawyer

Fujieda Ryo is a lawyer. He works for the Takasato-gumi. His route is unlockable after you have finished Taku, Rei, and Madarame’s routes, and the game teases his route by having him occasionally appear to do lawyerly tasks and duties. Titillating stuff.

In his route, someone has been sending Towa tokens of his past (pieces of a diary, a bunny toy, pictures of people and records of various injuries inflicted on Towa by them). Curious about his past for the first time in the game, Towa begins following the leads he is given. In doing so, he meets and begins to work with Fujieda, who is trying to find his “friend’s” little sister.

My Thoughts:

As someone who hates the idea of “true routes” (don’t tell me who the real love interest is I’ll be the judge of that), this game achieved the impossible by selling me entirely on Fujieda. Hands down this route is the best in terms of the plot and themes, and I far prefer Fujieda as a love interest for Towa above Taku, Rei, and Madarame.

When we’re first introduced to Fujieda, he appears to be stiff and serious. Towa comments on how Fujieda’s smoke is still and white, making him the first person Towa finds to be unreadable. Fujieda and Towa appear to be opposite in every respect, and it makes it hard for them to trust each other. But as you play along, you peel back layer after layer of Fujieda’s armor and learn how much Fujieda and Towa actually have in common.

It’s so interesting to me that when you play Madarame’s route, the idea that Madarame is the only one who can give Towa what he really needs comes up several times, but it’s actually Fujieda’s route that is titled “Equal”. Both Fujieda and Towa have suffered intense abuse by their parents. Fujieda hates the scars left on his body by his parents, but finds Towa’s scars a symbol of his bravery and resilience. Towa is fascinated by Fujieda’s scars and he’s the only one who he’s ever seen with a body like his. Towa sees his own scars as separate from his traumas as it’s his only way of maintaining his own autonomy after the horrific things that were done to him. Their conversation about their scars really highlights their understanding and acceptance of each other in a way no one else can.

Fujieda and Towa are also connected by Yuzuki Mei, who was Fujieda’s sister and Towa’s friend who was forced to “entertain customers” together with Towa by Maya (Towa’s abusive mother). After Towa learns this truth, he spirals out of control into probably his most self-destructive episode to date. The ensuing conversation with Fujieda who finds him and implores Towa to live on is so sad and so tender it made me cry. As I mentioned earlier in my discussion of Taku, Fujieda is the one person who can provide Towa with the support he needs to process his trauma. Their shared experiences, as well as Fujieda moving from distrust to begrudging partnership to pity to acceptance to finally wanting to actively support and care for Towa truly makes him the most balanced fit for Towa.

Switching gears to some less heavy thoughts, I just find Fujieda very cute like he presents himself as stiff and put together but he’s also a mess. The little detail of him being such a bad cook that even Towa could make a better meal is sooooo. Like Towa? I know this man has never touched a pot or pan in his life how could make better food than Fujieda? Fujieda must have been in the kitchen making this. Also Fujieda being needlessly formal or roundabout when it comes to emotional things... like they’re having a heartfelt conversation and then he abruptly switches gears by stiffly asking for a sex performance review I died. Towa teasing him by saying it was bad and then Fujieda just goes ok I’ll make adjustments in the future like shut up read the room !! Oh and the end scene with them at the sea and Towa smiles so brightly T______T ;; The ultimate catharsis!!

OK, now for the bad. The only thing I disliked was the noncon scene. It was so incredibly baffling that Fujieda somehow didn’t realize that Towa was a victim along with his sister and not a perpetrator just because he was Maya’s son. In fact it was so ????? to me that at first I couldn’t figure out why Fujieda was even mad at Towa.

Others

Literally added this section just to say I am screaming at how my opinion on Sakaki went from “he’s in the yakuza and he does bad yakuza things but it seems like he genuinely cares for Towa” to “....... stairs? deserved”

Gameplay

The gameplay is very different from Nitro+CHiRAL’s past works, and I quite enjoyed it! Instead of simply choosing dialogue options to advance the story in certain directions, you get a more active role by participating in Exploration and Interrogation segments. During Exploration, Towa goes to various places in Shinkoumi and interacts with different people in his life. Certain dialogue choices will lead to Inspiration, which can be used later in Interrogation. Basically, Interrogation is a therapy simulator where you choose positive or negative responses and use Inspiration and clues obtained during the route to draw out your target’s dark desires or true intentions. Your choices will eventually lead to euphoria (usually good ends) or madness (usually bad ends or to rile up the target enough to get them to talk).

If this sounds like a lot, you’re right. Nitro+CHiRAL said you better work if you want to see some dick. But honestly once I got a hang of it, I enjoyed doing the Interrogations and didn’t run into any significant difficulties achieving the euphoria and madness ends (except in Madarame’s final interrogation which took me way longer than I would like to admit like the absolute carnage left in my quick saves after I was done with this mf). I also think the Explorations helped flesh out the world as well as a lot of the side characters.

The only other gripe was that I didn’t realize you had to achieve the madness end with the vampire to get onto Fujieda’s route and I was replaying the common route for far too long before I had to cheat and find a guide, but this is probably me being a dumbass more than anything.

Art

This game is visually stunning! The colors, the few animations of Towa’s nightmares, and the attention to detail (e.g., screen glitches when someone says 大丈夫, adding cuts to the sprites when characters were injured etc.) all added to the experience. I think my favorite visuals come from the euphoric end of Ikuina’s Interrogation. The mixture of blood and flower petals and Towa’s expressions makes it beautiful and macabre. Also the food. Rei’s route made me so fucking hungry like @/myself it’s just honey toast please calm down.

I also found it kind of funny that Towa and the main four love interests have pretty down-to-earth designs while side characters like Mayu, Kotarou, and Eiji have such bold looks they look like they rolled in from a completely different game. Taku rocking up to the clinic all grizzled in his scrubs while Kotarou is shaking down debtors in his tight low hanging leather pants with his titties out. love that for them.

Music

Honestly when has a N+C game not delivered in the music department? My favorite tracks are the OP il by Anna Evans golden folks, HEAD CASE TATTOO by Goatbed (Rei’s bad end track), and Pearl Tower by Anna Evans golden folks (Fujieda’s bad end track). I also liked the bgm track Aruhi (and the fact that it’s a combination of the tracks Kouhuku and Maya). Finally, obsessed with the jaunty little tune that plays in early ends. The most cheerful “bye, loser!” I’ve ever experienced.

My own personal and very subjective gripe is that there are no songs sung by Itou Kanako. She’s done pretty much all my favorites from past games like Tears and Immer Sie (DMMD), Stay (TnC), and Miracles May (SP).

Voice Acting

Wanted a little section for some Hiiragi Santa (Mr. Ono Yuki...) lovemail. It takes a lot of talent to be able to convey a such wide range of emotions with Towa’s relatively taciturn dialogue. Also he perfectly captures Towa’s voice when he’s trying to seduce someone as well as his dry humor, which adds a lot of charm to Towa.

Rapid Fire Ranking

Ok so I finally have run out of things to say about this game (for now) so I wanted to drop some quick rankings of the routes as well as a comparison to other N+C games I’ve played (note: I have not played the medieval catboy game. I should).

Ranking the route plots/themes

Fujieda >>>> Madarame > Taku > Rei

Ranking the love interests based on how much I want Towa to be in a romantic relationship with them

Fujieda >>>> Taku > Rei > Madarame

Ranking N+C games by their plot/themes

Slow Damage > Sweet Pool > Togainu no Chi > Dramatical Murder

Ranking N+C protagonists

Towa > Akira > Aoba > Youji

Ranking N+C games by how much I enjoyed the love interests as a whole

Dramatical Murder (I’ll ship anyone with Aoba) > Slow Damage (Fujieda hard carrying) > Togainu no Chi (Rin my beloved) > Sweet Pool (Tetsuo...)

Ranking N+C games by how hard I cried

Togainu no Chi (cried at the end of every route and every time I heard Still.mp3) > Sweet Pool (cried all through Tetsuo’s endings) > Slow Damage (one big cry during Fujieda’s route) > Dramatical Murder (one respectable grocery store vegetable aisle mist in the eyes at the end of Clear’s good end)

And that’s it !! Please scream with me about slow damage on twitter I live there

#slow damage #bl game #review #spoilers #spoilers everywhere #also this is long as FUCK i do not know how to shut up the brainworms have taken hold

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onbeinganangel · 2 years

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2022 round-up ✨

ooooh this is such a fun end of year little tag game!! thank you @danpuff-ao3 for the tag!

Rules:

1. Post the top 5 works you're most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular), 2. your top 4 current WIPs that you're excited to release in the new year, 3. your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year, 4. your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year, 5. and your number 1 favorite line you've written this year!

Before I get into it, I’m tagging @vivantesopales @the-starryknight @mintawasalreadytaken and @sweet-s0rr0w 💕 no pressure, have fun! Alright, here we go:

5 fics

(i wrote a total of 6 so this should be easy enough lol from favourite to least loved — by me personally, fuck stats — we have:) savage natures [aftg, andrew/neil, mary hatford character study, 6k, M]

It starts with the now-familiar smell of blood long seeped into the fake leather of the car seats, with the stench of burning plastic, flesh and gasoline.

It starts like any good ghost story should: I am dead, and Nathaniel has come back at last.

geometric equilibrium [aftg, andrew/kevin/neil, getting together, mutual pining, 10k, M]

Kevin graduates and Neil thinks he’s pretty. Andrew graduates and Kevin pines. Neil graduates and Andrew is way more than 100% done with all this triangle-shaped bullshit and can’t believe he has to be the one to fix it.

Or: the Flawed Court get together, in three graduations acts.

Second Best [hp, harry/regulus, past jegulus, past sirry, porn with a side of hate/hurt but it's not quite hate fucking, 8k, E]

Can you want me like you wanted him? Because I do.

Liturgia Horarum [hp, draco/harry, very soft domestic fluff, 1.5k, M]

From morning melodies to evening encores, a day in the life through the soundtrack of routine.

facedown on my bed (thinking of you) [hp, fem!drarry, hogwarts is an all girls school, getting together, uni au, friends to lovers, 10k, M]

Sometimes the feelings you have for your enemy-turned-roommate-turned-bff are not as platonic as you think. Sometimes you're the last person to realise it.

4 current WIPs

(these are all AFTG fics, sorry HP pals) [redacted aftg mixtape exchange fic] - can’t say much except that my recipient chose an amazing song and a brilliant pairing and that the mods are the best and the stars aligned and fate was on my side when i was given this prompt and i’m really excited to finish it and for it to be out in the world

the next three are actually a series of pwp fics set in the same universe where we have established kandreil but i’m giving them all one-on-one time (therefore, three fics)!! i’m very excited about it! this series features: trans neil, professional athlete shenanigans, kevin being a freak, neil being a horny little shit, andrew being his little weirdo self who plays exy because there's nothing better to do but actually is the epitome of a malewife. lots of porn with a side of domesticity, just the way i like it stand in awe of him - the kevneil fic, which yes is titled after a psalm do not dare @ me lol this one is a very soft rapid escalation of morning glory snuggles and domestic chats in which kevin and neil are in bed and start talking about andrew and at first it's like "oh he's so cute when he's grumpy" and suddenly it's like "and that thing he does with his tongue" and they just get each other off thinking about how much they love their bf!!!! like good for them tbh

clinging to you - kandrew!!!! size difference!!!!! 🥵🥵 like there is one vertical foot between those two bastards and you think i'm not gonna make it a thing? i'm gonna make it a thing. i actually have a good chunk of this one written already, it has taken over my brain. just kevin being "ah andrew is so Large and Beefy and Good at Exy" (*cough cough* exy kink *cough cough* competence kink) but then suddenly they're in bed and he realises he can cover ALL of andrew with HIS body and he's like "oh it turns out he's smol but that's also hot?" immediate fireworks in the ol' brain box!!!!

waiting, wanting - ah. the andreil with that one premise that has been done a gazillion times across every random on earth but idc because i want it. neil is horny, andrew is asleep, kevin is across the world and in the end andrew and neil end up fucking with kevin on the phone listening in. neil gets fingered within an inch of his life and andrew gets mocked for his bad french accent and it’s all very delightful, if i say so myself

3 biggest improvements

oh yay tooting my own horn, my favourite activity lmao cutting back - i started this year with a very clear goal of doing No Fests. i did nearly fail at this and i DID sign up to a fest although for no fault of my own that didn't work out in the end which means No Fest 2022 was a success. i also spent a lot less time forcing myself to write and a lot more time thinking about my motivations, the stories i really want to tell and what kind of presence i want to have. i wish i had cut back more but it's very hard. a while ago i described to a dear friend how falling out of love with a fandom community is a bit like moving house, and this move hasn't been smooth. i am proud of my efforts here though!

finding a balance to my outlining process - outlining has always been my weakness. my two longer works are a bit of a mess continuity-wise because my brain just hates outlining. the moment i write down what happens it ticks the wee box for that task and assumes i am done. this year i have found a happy balance where i don't outline too much so that my brain still thrives on the mystery but enough so that the final product isn't a total mess.

characterisation vs plotting - this ties in a little bit with the outlining thing above but i feel like a lot of what i wrote this year was character motivated rather than plot driven! it's a bit of a new approach for me but i am very pleased with the results. it took a lot of studying (mostly reading original stuff, but also a ton of @skeptiquewrites fic because in my opinion, no one does a full cast of characters that feel real and fleshed out and wonderful every single time like tee does!) and a lot more time considering who these characters are instead of actively writing to advance a story, which really worked out for me

2 resolutions

get back to original work - i have a novel idea that's been in my head for a very long time and my goal was to work on it at some point this year. i even gave it a good go during NaNo — unfortunately, it is largely horror and also very much based in my childhood home, in which i am currently living... you can see how that probably wasn't a good idea in the first place. (wtf was i thinking) so, depending on whether or not i manage to finish building and move into my tiny home at some point in 2023, a good chunk of a first draft should be achieved sometime next year!

give myself some grace - well. yeah. that. this is basically an extended version of the "cutting back" improvement from this year. i have to remind myself a lot that unexpected heartbreak and real life shit and bad mental health are all a thing. i'm not always going to be able to finish my projects, and sometimes i will be able to finish them but it won't be what i want it to be. so i'm putting joy above every other feeling next year by cutting myself some slack

1 favourite line

all my favourite lines this year are from the same fic but i am obsessed with how kevin and neil are basically canonically soulmates so i’m gonna go with:

“A raven-black string of fate tying their pinkies together — Neil's own scarred hand to Kevin's racquet-mangled one.” from geometric equilibrium

#drarry #harry/regulus #aftg #m babbles #tag games #this is so long i am genuinely embarrassed #if you actually read all of this i am kissing ur forehead #shoulda put 'shut the fuck up' in my resolutions #but i won't #!#bc i love chatting shit #long post #idk what tumblr etiquette is like these days #i have tagged long post #normally i'd also like do the read more thingy? but tumblr automatically cuts off long posts these days?#if you'd like me to add a readmore to this bullshit let me know #i am tired and confused

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the-commonplace-book · 2 years

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Arthur Hastings For The OTP Meme Please

This is going to be so much less varied in partners than the Sally one because Arthur’s a big ol awkward mess of a man haha

My NOTP for them: Bobbies

This is an incredibly popular ship that I've never understood. I mean, I intellectually get it from a fanservice and thirsting perspective, but I don't get it from a character perspective. I think it wouldn't be such a notp for me if the fandom wasn't so oversaturated in it.

My BROTP for them: Sally

Before all else Sally and Arthur were best friends and at the end of the day, beyond any romantic interest, they just want to be friends again. I like the idea of them finding their way back to friendship in the future. Rebuilding the trust they used to have for each other and getting to know each other again as the adults they’ve grown into.

Alternatively, a friend pointed out Richard Arkwright and the potential friendship there had Arthur taken him up on that impromptu job offer and it’s a fun little worm of an idea.

My OTP for them: Sally (under certain conditions):

I expanded on this more in the Sally post, but I’ll chat about it again here with an Arthur focus. Friendship is the foundation of their relationship and when friendship meets mutual attraction, it has the potential to grow into a very healthy, loving relationship. Of course, they have their issues and have had their conflicts, but if they could rebuild that trust and truly learn to love each other for who they are, not who they think the other person is, then they have the potential to be a really healthy and cute ship. What can I say? I’m weak for malewife x girlboss.

My second choice pairing for them: Beatrice Gates

He ticks all her boxes for a perfect partner: He’s tall.

In all seriousness though, they do both like books and once Beatrice goes off her Joy she is distraught over a lost loved one. I think that’s something she and Arthur could maybe bond over. Not a serious ship, but, you know, I don’t not ship them.

My fluffy pairing for them: Sally (older and well adjusted)

To expand more on their being my Arthur otp, this is all under the condition that they’ve taken time to get to know themselves, get to know each other, process their respective trauma, and settle into lives as functional adults. I like the idea of a slowburn love growing between them amidst their rekindling friendship. Arthur stepping in as a dad-figure for Gwen. Both of them supporting each other in their respective lines of work. Arthur learning to trust and Sally learning to be trustworthy. Not jumping into a relationship, but slowly walking into it over the years side by side until one day they realize they’re making their way through life hand-in-hand.

My angsty pairing for them: Sally (under certain conditions)

With all those caveats, we were bound to wind up here too. I’ve gone into this in depth on my Sally version of this.

As a different angsty pairing for him, while I actually don’t read Arthur as being bi (totally okay if you do, I just personally don’t), I’ve seen the Arthur/Nick pairing go by a few times in the fandom and I find in interesting in a super toxic way. What with Nick being an active drug addict and Arthur trying to get clean of Joy.

My favorite poly ship for them: Arthur/Sally/Gemma/Margaret Oliphant polycule

Kind of a “Hi this is my girlfriend Sally and this is Sally’s girlfriend Gemma and this is Gemma’s girlfriend Margaret” thing. The is with the caveat that Arthur can handle an open relationship which I doubt. He strikes me as the kind of person who really wants and needs a monogamous relationship (if he were to be in a relationship at all, that is). But I do like the idea of this polycule.

My weirdest pairing for them: Gemma

While I do ship Gemma with Margaret Oliphant and/or Sally more than this, I think she and Arthur could have been a pretty fantastic journalism team with maybe a little bit of romantic interest mixed in there. I don’t actively ship them, but I could see it. The only real complaint I’d have is that Gemma can do worlds better than Arthur haha

#we happy few #thanks for the ask!#this one really made me think because arthur is wellington well's local sexless virgin haha #f; we happy few #[ask]#arthur hastings #arthur hastings whf #arthur hastings we happy few #whf arthur hastings #we happy few arthur hastings

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shjapologist · 2 years

Note

please introduce yuor blorbos to us

kyaa okay so one thing about me is that i love whzn theres a guy who lacks common sense . i'll introduce them by order of current real estate taken in my brain

lets start w lu bixing my good friend lu bixing from can ci pin

hes a scientist hes a gangster hes a genius hes a teacher he exclusively goes by the YOLO principle and if he stops for 2 seconds to think about the cost of his life he will start spiralling immediately

this is a man who has invested 1000 points in charisma and intelligence and 0 on wisdom. a man who will inject himself w a supersoldier chip just to see what it does. a man who gets himself out of shit by talking as fast as possible and is so convincing he sets off chains of events that end up sparking revolutions

introduced as showy flirty love interest, IS the showy flirty love interest but has the advantage of being insane so hes not boring abt it. guy who makes spreadsheets in his mind about how the commander has to be in love with him now definitely. hes gathered the data. hes using the scientific method. no way around it. frankly incredible

a very genuine and straightforward guy :) hes also so vaain it's def a charm point. very aware that he has terrible terrible taste in men as well but cannot stop himself from being down catastrophic for the biggest bastard in the galaxy. this is only one of the many times he acknowledges it :

hes such a charming character ive never insta stanned like this in my life. occupying every one of my spare thoughts these past few days i cant stop thinking about him and his happy childhood <- said in the most wretched tone

and. lastly. he is the FUUNNIEESSTTTT

on to blorbo number two sung hyunjae from sclass

very recently dethroned from number one. another thing abt me is that i like men who are huge cunts 😔

in his cringe toxic murderbasement ml era for the first hundred chapters of the novel terrible vibes hes got you booing and throwing tomatoes And Then His Birthday Happens and youre never the same person you once were

the bzst way to describe the character developpement this guy went through is a pic of him bllack and blue all bones shattered at the bottom of the stairs w a giant arrow pointing down like "WHAT LOVE DOES TO A MF" HEEEEESSS so special. to me. with his dumbass bloody fork

hes a guy that values his agency over anything else he loves being himself he loves living as the guy who is sung hyunjae so im a big fan of how its always at a certain level of danger. lol. his pre-regression self is so miserable and pathetic everything in that regard went terribly wrong for him his intro is one of my fav arcs :)

anyways he actually has the potential to be a genuinely nurturing presence but its so rare for it to be pertinent to his personal agenda you wouldnt Know. but then You Do Know. bc he gets drop kicked into being a real boy through escalating psychosexual games and being offered a reaching hand time and time again by the only person who ripped through the script and called him a huge bitch. you also see him tip over from standard selfishness into the kim dokja register and that is a terrible thing to happen when theres a han with abandonment issues around.

rly enjoyed seeing him turn into a fucking auntie who knits hot pink ensembles in his spare time and discovers the mundane wonders of the world and maybe the indignity of human emotion who knows(LMFAO) so anyways yes tje power of love saved him znd now hes malewife stepdad supreme half of the shit he does makes my face clip through my bones from embarrassment he has to be the most annoying fictional man ive ever seen. (through tears) youre old and decrepit grow up already bitch!!!

and so sorry im about to make you look at truly heinous images but a very very fucking funny thing that happened in the sclass webtoon is that they called on a guest artist to render his scenes in the most shoujo like way possible. NEVER recovering rom this

numberthree . yan suizhi from first class lawyer...

genius lawyer is thought to have died, is instead shoved in the body of a random guy . so the first thing he does is join up the internship program organised by the college he used to teach at to investigate his own murder. the problem is that he is complete PANTS at pretending he is not a genius lawyer so his mentor is inventing new stages of grief to go through daily

he's the impenetrable cheerful facade type. a very good bald faced liar.. once you defrost him you find out hes living his life to the fullest to cope with how deeply lonely he is :) heres a part that rendered my brain to mush

i miss you yan suizhi i need to catch up to lawyer novel sometime for real.

blorbo number four always a constant little buzz in the back of my mind YOO JOONGHYUK(allof them)

i dont think i need to wax much poetic about him. the only time traveler progamer eldest daughter grill boss . i think this should go in a museum

ok thats all the main ones i think . there's a crouching blorbo in lin jingshu from can ci pin as well but i havent seen quite enough of her yet for her to properly latch onto my brain. airing out the deep evil inside of her now that society is collapsing. crazy

thank you for listening <3 :)

#postag #ask #mysranks #c2p #fcl #orv #too many men in here i need new reading material

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ayoharuko · 2 years

Text

Genshin Impact Bf Headcanons

Hello again!

Now its time for our beautiful and pretty boys time for shine✨

Tysm for everyone who liked part 1 and 2 I'm so grateful for that😊

Also check out part 1 and part 2 if u guys haven't yet cause uhm....because i told u so!(╹ڡ╹ )

Anyways lets not stall anymore shall we and get on with it~!( •̀ ω •́ )✧

REMINDER: These characters don't belong to me but to hoyoverse and this is just a fictional work so please don't take it seriously.

(Inazuma Boys)

~Boba Man~ (Kamisato Ayato)

~Sly Boyfriend~

• Ya know...i would've just titled him as the prince type boyfriend cause i think he's a gentleman but at the same time i see him as....a sly fox who loves...loves to tease you, like he just finds entertainment by your red face and flustered reactions. Truly a fox man he is.

• When you get into a relationship with this man you have got to get used to he's sassy remarks about somethings and i imagine that you also sadly get affected by he's attitude.

• You and ayaka are besties✨ I feel like at first you'd feel like she didn't really like you because she didn't talk to you or get near you. oh how wrong you were...she actually SIMPS for you, she admires you. she actually watches how you train with a sword probably why she loves you. So when ayato is busy you and ayaka either have tea and chat or spar together. She's my ice princess💕

• Now sometimes ayato does get jealous of he's sister. Of how much you both get to spend time together. There are sometimes where the siblings fight over you lol. He will cling to you for a whole day without letting ayaka near you claiming that she's had you enough.

• Since he's sometimes lazy to do he's paperwork he tells thoma to send you to him at once. Meaning just so he can get kisses and cuddles from you so he can get energy to complete he's work.

• Gets jealous easily. Once he spots someone hitting on you, He's.telling.that.man.off, Since he's sassy he will talk about how the said person shouldn't be hitting on a taken person and how its disrespectful. SLAYYYY😫

• Overprotective but knows you can handle yourself. But sometimes he does send guards to go with you since he knows clans or the fatui will try and use you against him. and he doesn't want you to get hurt.

• When he's free you both go to he's favorite boba store and just drink and chill while chatting🥺

• I feel like sometimes ayato would do these playfights with you. ya know just casual teasing and making the other jealous, when asked by ayaka and thoma why you both do this you both just respond that its an act of love🥰

• Since he has the money....boom. your getting spoiled, like just look and tell him its your's, he thinks you deserve the best(I mean you do queen/king✨)

• He's an annoying but sweet boi. But we/you love him~

Nicknames: My love, sweetheart, dear, darling and honey

Voice line about you: “ *Sigh* Why am i sighing? My dear love is spending time with ayaka again...hmm..thoma! Take care of this for me...I'm just gonna seal my darling back~”

When he talks to you: “Hmmm...sweetheart I'm back~, ah there you are. i missed you...where were you? Oh...you were with traveler? Can you at least give me your attention today? I've been needing more y/n in my life..?”

~Perfect Malewife~ (Thoma)

~Golden Retriever Boyfriend~

• Doesn't he just give that vibe!?

• He's perfect.

• Cooks and cleans for you, always cooks for you everyday. for breakfast, dinner, snacks. ANYTHING EVEN IF ITS FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE HE WILL COOK IT FOR YOU.

• He always smiles and it honestly will brighten anyone's day with it including yours, If your sad he's bright demeanor suddenly dies down and gets upset himself.

• Your parents probably love him more then they love you-(jk), likewise if you have any siblings they would instantly love him...he's like a big brother to them. whose strict yet fun. Imagine him playing/messing around with your siblings🥺

• Ayato at one point did get jealous....boba man is jealous of you-

• When your days and work are done you both would be laying in bed and he's just going on about how he's day went. He would also be the type to cuddle you close while kissing your forehead💘

• Taroumaru loves you. you and thoma would take turns in hanging out with the cute boi🥺

• Overall thoma is the boyfriend you instantly wanna marry💖✨

Nicknames: Babe, wifie, milady and my love

Voice line about you: “No no taroumaru this isn't for you haha..this is for y/n..ah! Lady ayaka can you please take this to y/n?‟

When he talks to you: “Hey there wafie! I missed you. Alot of things happened today...wanna hear it?‟

~One and oni!~ (Arataki Itto)

~Himbo Boyfriend~

• Himbo energy. I'm you guys can already sense it...feel it...

• Takes you bug hunting and then to he's battles for support even if sometimes went he actually loses your the one paying...poor you-

• Shinobu appreciates you alot since your the only ones who are sane and you help her keep the boys from going to jail. She loves you like a big sister💕 The gang also got attached to you since they saw how happy their boss was with you so they started to love you as well.

• He unintentionally hits you with he's elbows because your shorter then him-. He carries you on he's shoulder tho.

• Swears that he loves you more then miss hina-

• When your sad/upset immediately tells the gang about it and they try to cheer you up by doing these weird stage plays and eventually it gets them to trouble😔

• Even if you know how to fight he doesn't let you lift a finger. part of the reason is because he doesn't want you to get hurt, other part is cause he wants to show off😅 But when he does let you...he falls inlove with you all over agin...cause to him you fighting and kicking asses are hot, sexy and beautiful to him.

• He definitely asks you for mora just to buy you a gift😂

• You bet you have ALOT of nicknames. he likes to think he's creative with them✨

• He loves you alot for accepting him as he is so with pride he always talks about you to people and the gang!(Shinobu tells you about this)

• Himbo boyfriend 100%

Nicknames: Babe, baby, lovebug, hottie, he's one and only, honey etc (alot more but he just thinks of them at radom times)

Voice line about you: “Woww...aren't the just amazing!?‟

When he talks about you: “Heyyy lovebug! What? N-no i don't need anything from you...ok maybe i do...c-can i have like...a little bit of mora? Like just 800 mora please?‟

~Furry General~ (Gorou)

~Puppy Boyfriend~

• What'd you expect?

• He's territorial but also very shy when it comes to you and gets flustered easily. If he's feeling possessive he marks you with he's scent and in other ways too...and when he's shy he just blushes around you alot.

• Your the only one who has the privileged of touching he's ears and tail and when you guys are alone he lets you run your fingers through he's fluffy tail and soft ears. He thinks its very relaxing and you help him groom he's tail and he LEAVES for it✨

• You know that scene in he's event i think(i forgor) where yae miko was talking about how he probably sleeps while hugging he's tail? Well he used to and now he just hugs you while wrapping he's tail around you. he sleeps as the little spoon he rarely becomes big spoon.

• He always remembers your scent and how you walk so when he instantly hears your footsteps or smells you from a mile away he's tail starts wagging and the soldiers who see it don't tell gorou since they know he would be embarrassed but they find it cute how head over heels is their general to you💖

• Kokomi and yae miko ALWAYS teases you both...sadly

• When you get hurt in battle poor baby blames himself for not being able to protect you...so please hold him and reassure him that your fine...

• Since he's basically a dog. I bet before you guys started dating he would talk about you to the other dogs in inazuma since he had no one to talk to about it. and the dogs would actually help him sometimes but always leading you to him, causing tiny accidents and more. So he actually feels grateful for he's furry friends.

• He honestly gets really upset when you go somewhere that he can't follow(Monstadt, liyue or sumeru)He can't help but miss you alot and when you get back he clings to you for the rest of the day.

• He's very loyal to you and is honestly a very good boy💕

Nicknames: My mate and mine

Voice line about you: “Why do i seem upset? I miss my m-mate alot...wait..NO AHHH YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT-‟

When he talks to you: “Y-your back! Hm? i-i can smell another persons scent on you...thats no good...c-can you come here...my mate?‟

~Sassy Detective~ (Shikanoin Heizou)

~Flirty Boyfriend~

• You thought kaeya was worse? Hah! heizou’s wayy worse....

• If your a person who gets shy easily heizou will tease you NONSTOP my man has no mercy....he thinks it's funny and cute(Asshole)

• But despite this he brings you with him to solve some cases of course only the minor and safe ones...he wouldn't want he's precious love to get hurt now can he?

• He randomly pins you to a wall and flirts aka tells you cheesy pick-up lines....and their SO CRINGE💀

• He has no shame even flirting with you in public.

• I'm sure you guys are aware of that pic genshin posted at he's birthday right? WELL I BELIEVE HE WILL TEASE YOU WITH THOSE EXPRESSIONS OF HIS LIKE TAKE THAT INFO HOWEVER YOU WANT. like he'll purposely moan just to see you blush-

• Whenever a person flirts with you, you best believe heizou to be right there by your side flexing how he's a detective and can get the poor person inprisoned.....

• When he's not being an ass he treats you to a nice meal sometimes and buys you flowers with a side of jewelry too✨

• Complements you every single day💖

• When you do something impressive something as solving a case before him he will shower you with praise and affection.

• kisses that come out of nowhere are he's favs. and when you do that to him he'll have a shocked face with a bit of blush but instantly calms he's composure and teases you back but take it to another level. by that i mean grabing your chin, pulls you by the hips and kisses you roughly and hungrily(^///^)

• Even if he's a flirty asshole sometimes you love him~💖

Nicknames: Mine, baby, sweetheart, dear and beautiful

Voice line about you: “Their getting hi on AGAIN? What can't people just understand that their mine? *Sighs* Traveler can you help me teach that person a lesson? You won't get into trouble i assure you~‟

When he talks to you: “Hey there beautiful~ Awe don't shy away from me now...let me see your cute face~‟ (If you think that line is familiar good job)

~Mr.Samurai~ (Kaedehara Kazuha)

~Gentle Boyfriend~

• He'd be the calm and gentle type who just wants to be with you.

• If your in the crux you and him would be spending your time either chatting with beidou or laying down at the birds nest just looking at the sky.

• Kazuha often writes haiku’s about you...and tells them to you while you both are chilling, he's another one who won't go a day without completing you and at least hugging or kissing you on the cheek or forehead.

• The crew coos at how cute your relationship is and support you too very much💕 Although sometimes beidou will scold you both for slacking off at certain chores.

• You and kazuha have a room to yourselves since the crew wants to respect your boundaries as a couple and because beidou doesn't wanna see pda-

• Beidou gives kazuha these talks about how to treat you, to not make you cry, respect your boundaries and just giving advice to him(She cares about you both alot such a mother💘)

• He often also cooks for you. and when he tries new recipes your always he's taste tester. He values your opinions alot and appreciates it when your being honest with him.

• He teaches you how to use a sword or how to defend yourself since he knows if people find out about your connection to him they will certainly use you to get him....but even so he still protects you and is very obversing of you guys surroundings. especially when you guys are outside, he doesn't wanna lose you now....

• He treats you like glass sometimes since he's afraid your gonna break and he's gonna lose you.

• He oftens has nightmares of he's friend and about losing you too...eventually when he wakes up from it he holds you tighter and closer to him...

• Whenever you guys dock somewhere he buys you small trinkets at that place as a souvenir.

• He also sings or hums to you whenever you both go to sleep he's voice is honestly the most softest thing ever💖

• He lets you tie he's hair whatever he enjoys feeling your hands in he's hair.

• He actually isn't shy to tell people that he loves you or tell that your his s/o he finds pride that you choose a dead man and he feels like he doesn't deserve your beautiful and kind self.

• He will protect and love you until the end of time...because your the light that made he's life colorful again.

Nicknames: My dove, my love and my muse

Voice line about you: “Isn't y/n just beautiful? What? haha...yes its obvious that i love them very much indeed...‟

When he talks to you: “My dove...would you like to hear the haiku I've written again for you?‟

~Scaramoche~ (Kunikuzushi)

~Cold Boyfriend~

• Now some people actually wanna know that out of every man in the world...why did you choose him? Why did you choose someone whose heartless and cold? Simple. You love him. Even sometimes scara doubts why you love him when he's basically someone who can't control he's mouth, and he's reminded by you that you fell for whats behind that attitude of his.

• Now when you break all of his walls and when he starts letting you in bit by bit he starts being unintentionally nice to you. it would shock him and he's subordinates, if your hot he'll buy you a popsicles if your cold he'll give you his coat he'll even let you borrow his hat, basically he becomes more cold to everyone but has a soft spot for you and everyone knows it.

• When your in that stage where his walls are broken down in private he'll start showing his kunikuzushi side while in public he'll only hold your hand while shouting at people. He'll also(surprisingly)ask for kisses and cuddles bluntly with a blush of course.

• Ah...another one that buys you whatever you want with that fatui money✨Just ask him nicely and he'll buy it for you.

• When he's away and busy he sends 2 or 3 fatui agents to watch over you at least since he knows that some people will use you against him and for fatui information so he's extremely careful when with you.

• If your smart with your words you can easily stop scara from sealing the gnosis and turning his back from the fatui. and if you do then consider yourself a pat on the back.

• When he makes sure that your deep asleep he whispers to you about how lucky he is to have you and how he loves you very much with kisses on the forehead. He also thanks you for being patient with him since he knows that he isn't exactly the best person to be with but he thanks you regardless. he knows he should be saying those things to you when your awake but he just can't bring himself to do so....so for now its a secrets.

• He has nightmares about ei and he's old friends so please comfort him and hug him...

•He sometimes puts his work aside and goes to you just to cuddle with you.

•Anyone who disrespects you are instantly dead however if your fast enough to stop him he will just pull you aside, leave you at a place and go back to those trash and beat them to a pulp🙂 Same goes for people who hits on you their instantly gone or barely alive....your his and only his

• One time he noticed that traveler had kept asking about you and he thought that the traveler liked you even if they just wanted to ask you something...

• When you ask for attention he immediately saids your being to needy when his needy himself.

• He might be cold and all but for you his ready to fight the entire universe just for you💕

• To him your the one who gave him a heart. A heart that beats for you, he understands what love is because of you and his grateful for that. Your the only think that keeps him sane...so please...please don't leave him...

Nicknames: Dumbass, mine, my world and my light(The last 2 only in private)

Voice line about you: “What? What about y/n? Stop asking me about them...wait..do you perhaps..like y/n? Don't delay it now?! You've been asking about them since you've seen me! Let me tell you something traveler they belong to me. their mine. got that?‟

When he talks to you: ‟What do you want? I'm busy, kisses and c-cuddle? I-i suppose i have time for that...your so needy“

DONE WITH THE INAZUMA BOYS!!!

Omg this took quite a while...mostly at ayato and scara’s parts but i managed

Now im gonna say it for part 3 its the sumeru guys but....it might come out a bit late since i haven't started sumeru yet because of school which sucks but i know the characters i just kinda dont know how they act so thats the problem but I'll try and explore sumeru when i have the time during the weekend

Tysm for reading this far and i hope you guys enjoyed this! I'm sorry if their are any grammer or spelling mistakes and i advice you guys to read part 1 or 2 whatever you wanna start first its fineo(*￣▽￣*)ブ

Also feel free to ask requests its always open!

Ok..imma stop rambing now and say goodbye lol.

FAREWLL MUA!!!💖✨

#genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin x you #genshin fluff #genshin headcanons #ayato x you #gorou x you #itto x you #kazuha x you #scaramoche x you #heizou x you #thoma x you #boyfriend headcanons

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gay-disabled-characters-showdown · 5 months

Text

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 1, Wave 5, Poll 8

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

Baru Cormorant-The Masquerade

Qualifications:

lesbian trying to infiltrate the violently homophobic and eugenecist colonial empire that took over her home, suffered a traumatic brain injury that made her blind, deaf, and unable to perceive anything on one side of her body. she is autistic also

Propaganda:

she's a ruthless and brilliant lesbian and she misses her home so much and everyone wants her

Anything Else?:

she's cool ✌️

Wen Kexing-Word of Honor / Shan He Ling

Qualifications:

He's made to drink this thing as a child which causes him to loose his memories of the thing he is most obsessed over. Not wanting to forget it, he does his best to resist the effects and tries to hold on to the memories that are supposed to be taken from him. This causes him to frequently cough blood and loose consciousness as a kid. He gains more control over it as he grows up but whenever other people reference it, he gets severe headaches, coughs up blood, passes out, etc. (this does get cured eventually as there's a remedy to it that he unintentionally takes). Other than that, his mental health is abysmal. He's consumed by rage and revenge and has no care for his own life. He's 100% willing to destroy the whole world with him in it because of how the world has abandoned him. One of the nicknames his people had given him was Lunatic Wen due to his volatile nature and cruelty. He does care deeply for a select group of people, but he often finds himself struggling to give them what he wants to give them without falling on his other persona of the Ghost Valley Master. He spends like 20 years being eaten alive by his own guilt and rage and he believes for a long time that the only solution is to become crueler than the people who hurt him so he can get revenge. He has zero value for his own life or safety, even when there are multiple people wanting to keep him safe.

Propaganda:

look he's my special little guy. decided he wanted to retire from being an evil war criminal so he could be a malewife househusband instead. impeccable gender.

#polls #poll #disabled characters #lgbtq characters #disability #lgbtq #lgbtq dcs round 1 #lgbtq dcs wave 5 #baru cormorant #the masquerade #wen kexing #word of honor #shan he ling #id in alt text

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datastate · 2 years

Note

Kai🔥

where do i even start </3

i heavily HEAVILY dislike when people simplify his character to 《malewife》 ... it is not any extreme offense if it's regarding his work, or some one-off joke here and there, but over a time it gets quite grating even in those light-hearted instances. in the manner many people use it (especially in the context of shipping content), they completely mischaracterize him as an idle, submissive, and soft/harmless person whose only passion outside of tending to associated characters is cooking.

it is true that he tends to let conversation continue without him, as a bystander when his voice isn't required, but it's ridiculous to misread his reserved nature as if he's someone who doesn't make a stand for himself at all. even in the first part of the first chapter - kai hit miley then took initiative in comforting kanna & despite every risk, stood firm in his decision that he didn't want sara to risk having blood on her hands during the roulette. he has resolve for the few situations/people he grants his respect or fondness, he's just hardly as vocal about it as q-taro or reko are. and when pushed, he is extreme in protecting these (attempting to disrupt the organization's plan for the chidouins' safety at the cost of his life, favoring sara's life over nao's in his threat despite otherwise admiring nao, etc) primarily due to how he was raised.

don't get me wrong! he is a kind person. he's a bit awkward about it, and he says himself that affection is new to him due to the circumstances of his youth, but he does prefer to display his compassion foremost in what ways he knows how (most often in service). however, exemplifying this single aspect of him constantly does tend to come off as making him a flat character only used to prop up another character or concept the author favors. it's a disservice to him to create this image that he is only ever there to serve, without ever addressing the problems which arise from his lack of direct communication (the misunderstanding of sara's stalking - altho that was based upon guilt intentionally fueled by mr. chidouin) or attempting to explore his own issues in which he struggles to accept the same in return (where he once felt disgusted to be treated as if he were family)

... honestly it doesn't even have to be that deep either way, if some writer just really wants only fluffy shit, it's easy to remind people of kai's strange approach in humor/teasing (evident with reko and joe in ytts), or his hidden/casual intensity (such as his competitiveness with alice, or subtly dropping the nostalgic scenes with nao in ytts), or his hobbies elsewhere (coding, physical art, etc). i guess my main point here is that, as a character, regardless of the situation, you can't forget where kai came from, because that permanently shaped his initial mindset (both in beliefs and the impact of what is, frankly, trauma) and it has taken him years to readjust to something a bit more accepted, with the help of the chidouins and other observations he has taken upon himself.

just. there's so much more depth and both tragedy & charm to his character than western fans often give him credit for.

#also the obvious opinion that sara is still fully within her right to be uncomfortable around him even once the truth is revealed #st&Iking is genuinely traumatizing and it can't be brushed off easily even if the fault primarily lies w her father #EXPLODES...THIS IS WAY TOO LONG-WINDED? I HOPE IT MAKES SENSE. THANK YOU FOR THE ASK ♡#i like talking abt my guy. it just pains me when a lot of people say they like him but they don't seem to look at him as he is??#they look for the idealized ver and it's so...waugh. you can find a balance and nuance guys i promise #ask #solidarity squad #sleeplessamongstars #yttdposting #yttd meta #long post

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hiccanna-tidbits · 2 years

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HICCANNA MONTH WEEK 1, DAY 6 - “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO” “WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT” DRACULA DAILY AU

*Collapses in an exhausted heap and plops this on your dash* IT’S DONE IT’S FINALLY DONEEEEE

So anyways I was talking with @ohlooksheswriting about Dracula Daily and how Jonathan Harker has some of the biggest Anna Energy I have ever seen (i.e. the appreciation of good food, the general desire to give people the benefit of the doubt perhaps a little more than is wise, politeness even in the most dire of situations, the aggressive focus on the positive in the face of imminent doom, the general vibe of “ah no!!! I can't let my people down!!! Gotta push through even when things get dicey!!!”, whether it be with sketchy real estate deals or your sister accidentally freezing the kingdom etc etc), and there’s already some pretty suspiciously romantic undertones between Jon and Drac, so I was like “OMG Dracula Daily AU for Hiccanna Month??? DRACULA DAILY AU FOR HICCANNA MONTH???” And here we are XD

Fwiw I can totally see Hiccup being a loving househusband who spends his time nerding out over books on places he’s interested in, so it works, fight me. Also, I think Hiccup deserves to do the spooky little castle lizard crawl. As A Treat! And lawyer!Anna??? Immaculate. She has Elle Woods vibes and I intend to see her put them to full use. Anyways these two invented girlboss/malewife in this fic and I love that for them.

Not me legit doing an internet deep dive researching Transylvanian food for this, just so I could do justice to Anna’s foodie/generally-food-preoccupied tendencies XD That’s basically the only aspect of this I have any confidence is like...sort of accurate to the source material. Apologies in advance for any general anachronisms and/or inaccuracies in the way property attorneys and property law are portrayed here (property law practice was something admittedly a bit heavy to research for a fanfiction XD). I got most of my lawyer info from the Dracula emails themselves, and I tried not to use any anachronisms that don’t feel like they’d show up in Frozen or HTTYD themselves, so hopefully it reads all right. It prolly doesn’t feel as much like an old-timey period piece as I was hoping for, but hopefully I ensnared at least a little bit of the classic spooky gothic vibes. Idk.

I decided to try bolding instead of italicizing for emphasis to give the whole thing a more, like...“handwritten journal” feel? No idea if it worked, but I tried! XD (Also, in case you’re wondering, Anna starts off her journal entries with “Hi friend” because she considers her journal her friend!!!)

Is this more wholesome than the OG Dracula? Oh yeah, absolutely! Did I keep the impeccable comedy of the original book while swapping out the more horrific parts for a fluffest and angstfest of a romance that would probably make Bram Stoker turn in his grave? Definitely! Listen, I was too jam-packed with internalized misogyny to have a Twilight phase in 2008, so I gotta get that angsty vampire romance nonsense out of my system now before it consumes me. So something something AU of “what if the real-estate-buying vampire...wasn’t evil??? What if he was a sadboi instead???” Sometimes I get to have a few supernatural monster sadbois who get girlfriends anyways. As A Treat. Also yes, Anna caring more about workplace romances being unprofessional than dating a dude who sucks blood is the hill I will die on because a) it’s absolutely hysterical to me and b) it feels oddly in-character??? Girlie will give you the benefit of the doubt to ridiculous extents, but not if it gets in the way of important duties and responsibilities! She also has fried post-BAR brain so like. That doesn’t HELP--

So, without further ado, join me for this fun, wacky jaunt into the life of newly-certified lawyer Anna, going on a business trip to Transylvania and hoping to collect some local recipes for her two recently-engaged best friends! She hardly expects to be so taken with her first client’s eccentricities, nor did she ever dream that a rather inconvenient and unprofessional crush on him would blossom, but life is full of surprises! Featuring Merida and the Thorston twins as Count Haddock’s slightly-unhinged freeloading eternal roommates, and a little Jackunzel on the side--as a treat!!!

Not me thinking about how if I had the drive to make this a longer thing the endgame pairing would probably be Hijannunzel to pay homage to the shameless polyamory of the source material akbsahydgewoyvd

Fic under the cut! As always, moodboard pic credits available upon request!

***

May 15

Hi friend,

Anna Runeardsen here! Or should I say Certified Property Attorney Anna Runeardsen here!!! My god, I still can’t believe I passed the BAR. I passed the BAR!!! I PASSED THE BAR!!!

Anyways, you already know that. Duh. I’ve said it like 5 times already. I’m just still in shock. Like I go to law school like “let’s see what happens! Maybe I’ll flunk out!” but then I didn’t? And here I am! Those all-nighters took years off my life I’m never getting back, though. My brain still kind of feels like mamaliga.

Wow. I have a lot of news. I don’t really know where to start, because a ton of stuff has happened since I last wrote. Maybe I’ll start with the little things?

So first off, my god, the other night I had the BEST roast chicken!!! Literally so good!!! I don’t know what it is about the cooking here—maybe turning it over a blue fire gives it a slightly different flavor? I mean yeah, I don’t know for sure Count Haddock’s been cooking with those blue inferno circle things, but maybe that’s what gives it the kinda extra-savory, smoky flavor? Anyways, he gave me the recipe! Turns out he just used some salt and pepper and cloves and a bit of saffron and then drenched it in this olive oil mix. I’ll have to see if it tastes any different when I try making it back home in Oslo. I’ll add the recipe to the collection I’m giving to Jack and Punzie.

Can I just say, by the way, how GREAT that is going??? I’ve only been here a few days, and I’ve already got 5 recipes!! I’ve got mamaliga, paprika chicken, mititei, szekelyalmas, and the Count Haddock Roast Chicken Special! At this rate, I’ll have a whole bookful of them by the time I go back to Norway. Actually, I think I am gonna bind what I have into a nice little book, and give it to Jack and Punz as a wedding gift. It’ll be so exciting to make all this new food!!!

I still can’t believe Jack and Punz are finally getting married, honestly. Took him long enough to propose! I seriously thought I was going to have to fail and retake the BAR a few more times, and THEN maybe they’d finally be engaged. Right before the big boss man sent me out on this special mission, Punzel told me Jack stumbled up to her by the fountain in her estate garden and just started rambling incoherently. He pulled out the ring, and his hands were shaking so badly that he dropped it in the fountain??? So Rapunzel sees and she notices Jack was doing really bad at the whole talking thing just then, so she diffuses the tension by saying “well, if we’re wishing on things we’re throwing in the fountain, I wish you’d marry me!” And then she picks up the ring and proposes to HIM with it!!! Let me tell you, it was a whole thing. I really have to work on that maid of honor speech when I get the chance. They’re my two best friends in the world, and I want to do them justice!!!

But back on the topic of food! Did I mention Count Haddock does all his own cooking? I think he’s kind of embarrassed about it because he keeps pretending like he has a whole kitchen staff. When he gave me the roast chicken recipe, he said “here, let me go fetch it from the chef” and ran off into the hall, but…then I heard him doing this thing where he was like…stepping more and more quietly to make it seem like he was getting farther away? And then I could have sworn I heard him scribbling something? Anyways, he gets back with the recipe and there is no WAY he had time to go all the way down to the kitchen.

I don’t know what his deal is. The boss would probably say it’s a rich person thing. I don’t know why they’re so ashamed about cooking??? I mean, I’m not RICH rich or anything, but I’ve cooked loads of times and I never developed the black plague or leprosy or what have you. And look at Rapunzel—her family is drowning in money, and she still plays around in the kitchen! She loves keeping busy and hanging out with the kitchen staff, but it doesn’t make her any less of a fancy lady.

I’ve been trying to get Count Haddock to open up about his cooking. Just, you know, raving about how good it is, compliments to the chef, et cetera et cetera, in sort of a wink-wink-nudge-nudge kind of way. A lot of the men back home really brighten up when I shower them with compliments, so I was hoping Count Haddock would do the same. Sometimes the fellows back home will even try to one-up you and start gloating about their accomplishments if you compliment them enough! Not Count Haddock, though. He seemed really nervous, and just mumbled that he’d be sure to tell all that to the cook. I DO think I saw him blushing, though??? Kind of hard to tell—his skin is this pale whitish, and it turned kind of grayish for a second. I wonder why his blood looks so weird. I shouldn’t pry, though.

Count Haddock is actually SUCH a sweet host, and I wish he wouldn’t be so self-conscious about it! Like I’m not going to judge him for not having servants. I think it’s admirable how hard he works, doing everything himself! Did you know I caught him making my bed the other day? GOD, so many men I know wouldn’t be caught dead doing “woman’s work” or “commoner’s work” or whatever. He’s so humble!!! He really wants me to be comfortable, even if he has to do all the work on his own. Imagine what a thoughtful and attentive husband he would make! It’s not every day you find a man who’s willing to help with the housework without complaining every step of the way.

I MEAN—

God, I shouldn’t be talking like this. He’s my client, for god’s sake, and I have to keep our relationship professional. The entire firm is counting on me succeeding!!! But sometimes I—well, I don’t know. He keeps leaving these little mints on my pillow, and even the nicest places I’ve stayed don’t do that. I mean, they give me maybe 1 mint when I check in or something, but not every night or anything like that. He’s so consistent!!! Sometimes the mints even have a little chocolate coating, and I have to wonder if he remembers me saying I’m really into chocolate?

Maybe it’s just a coincidence. Either way, it’s a nice gesture.

Count Haddock is honestly such an interesting person. Unusual, but like…in the best kind of way. He’s so into Oslo—has a whole shelf of books about it and everything. I came in the other day and caught him reading…an Oslo train schedule??? A little boring for my taste, but it’s nice to see someone with an appreciation for our public transportation systems. They’re not half bad, if I do say so myself.

I started talking to him in the library the other day, and the time completely got away from me. I just got so swept up in the conversation, and he was so excited, telling me all the things he learned from his books about Oslo and recounting some of his old family stories. Did you know Norway is apparently his ancestral home? He said his ancestors used to tame dragons there!!! DRAGONS!!! They’ve been extinct for hundreds of years now, as far as I know, but Count Haddock’s ancestors saw them with their own eyes! It’s crazy. I think that’s part of why he wants to move to Oslo. To him, it feels much more like his homeland than Transylvania does.

I asked how he ended up in Transylvania, and he got really sad—completely crushed, honestly. I felt so bad—I told him we could drop the topic if he wanted. But he said it was fine, saying it was only natural to be curious. Apparently there was some huge war in Scandinavia all those years ago, and his ancestors and their dragons fought side by side. Then a terrible evil guy named Drago Bludvist found a way to control the dragons and possessed them all to leave Count Haddock’s ancestors and their village. One of his ancestors was the next in line to be chief, and his dragon was killed in battle. His spirit was too broken to continue fighting after that.

It was a little weird—he looked so downtrodden and miserable when he talked about his ancestor’s dragon dying. If I didn’t know better, I’d say HE was the one who lost a dragon. That would be ridiculous, though—no one lives to be THAT old. I guess he feels like…really intimately connected with his past family, and all their pains and struggles. It’s kind of inspiring, in a weird way—if not a little atypical.

Anyways, he says with their dragons gone, his ancestors were overwhelmed by Bludvist’s armies and had to flee. Considering all the literal dragons this Bludvist guy had at his disposal, no surprise, I guess, that he was able to chase them all the way across the continent. The only place they could find to hide was tucked away in these imposing-looking mountains, where they eventually built a fortress of sorts. They’ve been there ever since—well, Count Haddock has, anyways. He’s the last of his family’s descendants, and the rest of his ancestors’ village dispersed long before he was born.

Seems lonely, honestly. I asked him how he managed, with no family to keep him company, and he claims the servants are company enough. That just made my heart hurt, since I know damn well he doesn’t have a single staff member waiting on us. Seems to me like Count Haddock’s been alone for longer than he’d care to admit, and he doesn’t want to admit how painful isolation can be.

Anyhow, he told me about all kinds of fascinating things, and just—his eyes were shining so bright and he was so giddy and so excited and he was grinning so big (yeah, I know I should probably be concerned about the fact that two of his top teeth are honed into these long, sharp points that don’t look very natural…but they look so pretty when he smiles!!! How can I hate them???) and I couldn’t bear to stop him. Then, before I knew it, it was morning already! Can you believe I was up all night talking to him? It really only felt like a few minutes! Went a lot faster than all the nights I had to stay up studying, that’s for sure.

Well, anyhow, Count Haddock said he had to take care of some business when the sun started to come up, and…wow. As soon as I left, the exhaustion decided to come back from lunch—or wherever it skipped off to when the Count was with me. The distinct feeling of numbing, on-the-brink-of-death emptiness and muddy swamp brain I remember from my exam-taking days hit me like one of those trains Count Haddock is all too fond of. I decided to take a nap, and I feel a lot better now.

Can I tell you something, friend? I know I shouldn’t be saying this. It’s probably really out of line, considering Count Haddock is a man of class and high status and all, but…okay, I’ll say it. (I know you won’t tell.) I’m worried about him. Sometimes I hear him letting out plaintive wails in the middle of the night, when I guess he thinks no one is listening. Or shuffling down the halls, looking sullen and miserable and muttering about what a terrible monster he is. I’m a little surprised—I mean, the men back home ARE embarrassed when they have to do housework or kitchenwork, but I’ve never seen any of them spiral into such a vat of self-loathing over…I don’t know, making a bed and cooking a chicken, that they call themselves a MONSTER over it. Seems a little rude to the people who actually DO do those kinds of menial things for a living, but maybe I’m misinterpreting what’s going on here. Maybe he’s talking about something else. You have to be open to a number of different scenarios when you’re looking for an explanation—in my line of work, at least.

Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not as bad as he thinks. Take it from me—sometimes you’re so sure you’re the worst person in the world and totally not good for anything, and then you graduate law school and pass the BAR!!! Count Haddock is a kind man, and he shouldn’t be so hard on himself for being unconventional. He’s a fantastic homemaker, a charming conversationalist, and an excellent cook! What could he hate about himself so much?

There IS one thing that’s a tad off-putting, but it’s probably not too big a deal.

The other night, I went out to find him—mainly just to tell him that I think he’s wonderful and appreciate his hospitality. I don’t know how long he’s been alone in here, and since he seems to regard himself so poorly…well, I don’t know how long it’s been since someone said something nice to him. I intend to change that! Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves, even when they live alone in a kind of creepy castle in the middle of nowhere and cover up weird things about their household activities and close their eyes whenever I get a cut and constantly look at my crucifix necklace weird.

Anyways, so I stopped to admire the view out one of the castle windows, and then I saw a head pop out a window a little ways below. Didn’t take long to realize it must be Count Haddock—I think I’d know those wiry, well-built shoulders and that luscious mop of dark hair anywhere. He’s hard to miss.

So he puts one of those thin, elegant hands of his (look, he gestures a LOT when he talks—I’ve become very familiar with the way his hands look. I’m not being weird or anything.) on the castle wall, and sort of…pulls himself out of the window? And then before I know it, he’s stuck all his hands and feet on the stones and is clinging like a gecko. I kind of wonder if his ancestors’ dragons infused him with reptilian powers or something. So then he scuttles down the wall, and his cloak is blowing every which way, and it was VERY weird to watch. I stood there for a really long time trying to process what—pardon my French—the FUCK just happened.

That said! I don’t think being able to walk on walls is EVIL, it’s just…kind of unsettling? I want to ask him what’s up with that. But I also wonder if that’d be too nosy. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to see?

Oh well. If this is all Count Haddock is upset about, then I think it’s fine. I wish there was a way to tell him it’s not scary. I think it’s an amazing ability, personally! (So lucrative if you want to go rock-climbing, especially.) If a little…odd. Still, I want him to know it doesn’t make him a monster, no matter what anyone else says.

May 18

Hi again friend,

Wow, do I have news!!! Some of it’s sort of disquieting, but some pretty good, so…net positive?

So the good news is that I’m pretty sure Count Haddock is into me. Like…into me into me. You know what I mean. (I’m not holding my breath for a ring or anything, since I know it took months of formal courting for Jack to pop Punzie the question! But I just have a feeling??? I don’t know, I could be entirely off-base. Like a court case red herring or something.) The bad news is that Count Haddock has some…friends? Roommates? Some guys who live in his castle and definitely want to eat me. No, I will not elaborate on that.

Just kidding! I absolutely will elaborate. It’s literally my job! I PASSED THE BAR!!! I rant to people about laws and logic for a living!!!

Anyways, do you remember those locked rooms Count Haddock told me to avoid? Because of ghosts or something? I mean yeah, I guess I can understand how spirits would be a safety concern, but I figured logistically, how bad could they be? I mean, they try to punch me or kick me or bite me or what have you, and it’ll go through me, right? And according to some of the books I’ve perused in the library, the worst ghosts can do is like…knock a cup over here and there. Well, I’ve seen Jack’s cats knock mugs and glasses over plenty of times, and I lived to tell the tale! If the ghosts come for me, this property attorney is READY.

So all this to say I got pretty bored, and I, uh. I may have gone creeping around in the rooms Count Haddock told me not to. Whoops. To be fair, I normally wouldn’t have, and just sought out Count Haddock for company, but he was running errands.

I don’t know if I mentioned, but he asked me if I could stay a little longer so I could help him learn Norwegian. He speaks mostly Transylvanian, and a little Old Norse, too. Pretty impressive his ancestral language was passed down through the family for this long! He told me his parents taught him as a kid but got kind of weird and evasive when he started talking about his childhood. I don’t know why—maybe he’s self-conscious about knowing such an old language? He doesn’t need to be. Lots of people have ancient dialects passed down through their family lineages, I’d bet!

Anyways, I wrote a letter to Jack and Rapunzel and the big boss man telling them I was staying a bit longer and assuring Jack and Punz I’d be back in time for the wedding. Count Haddock said he’d run all the letters to the post office to save me the trouble—such a gentleman!—although he grabbed all the envelopes in his teeth and gecko-ran down the wall again when he thought I wasn’t looking. I mean, I don’t mind when he does this—it’s kind of morbidly fascinating to watch, actually—but I do have to wonder why he doesn’t just use the front door.

So the hours sort of dragged by, and I guess I’ve read basically all I can in the library. Everything else is in Old Norse or Transylvanian, and I mean…it’d be nice to learn a couple new languages, but I don’t think I could do it in one night, you know? And okay, against probably my better judgment, I decided to go check out this ghost business. How bad can it be? It’ll spice things up a little, at least!

Heh. Spice. So many nice spices here! Did I mention that Count Haddock made the most delicious mititei the other night? It’s these little meat rolls with sour cream inside and all this paprika, saffron, and cloves sprinkled on it, and I LOVE IT!!! Really, if Count Haddock didn’t have all that old family money, I’d suggest he go into hospitality or the cooking business or something. Punzel’s an amazing cook, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think she’s ever made me stuff this good. Am I a bad friend for saying that…? Maybe I’m just a little preoccupied, since Count Haddock is so…I don’t know…

Oh, right. I was talking about the ghost adventure. Well, it didn’t actually turn out to be a ghost adventure, but it sure was…something.

So anyways I was bored out of my head, so I wandered around and tried a bunch of the doors. This one was actually unlocked, and it led into this big fancy room with all these couches and tables and stuff—maybe a parlor or something?—and this HUGE panoramic window!!! Like I could see the whole SKY and all this silvery, moon-washed forest and hills and landscape and I am here to tell you it was EPIC. It’s times like those that I wonder if this is actually the best business trip ever, despite the lizard-walking and the weird lack of servants and that one thing Count Haddock does around mirrors where he sort of tears up and runs away.

I found this one nice velvety green loveseat-looking thing, and I wiped the dust off (only a little bit—victory!) and just laid on it for awhile and admired the view. It was kind of relaxing, taking in the nightscape and the moonlight and feeling this weird kind of peace. Ironic, since this castle seems like it SHOULD give me the major creeps, but…I guess in that moment, it really didn’t. It felt almost like…home. Is that weird?

Probably. I feel like I should be more concerned about the fact that I don’t really mind not having seen the sun for a while. How long has it been? A week? Two weeks? Ah, well—it’s not like I can’t remember what daylight looked like. Granted, my memory historically hasn’t been the best, and I probably wouldn’t have passed the BAR without lots of…whatever Ingrid Olsen was slipping me, but I can remember what’s important, okay?! Or not important, maybe, so much as like…things that don’t make me feel like I’m drowning in information. Point being, I’m not forgetting how sunlight looks anytime soon, so I can just file that away in my brain and focus on the moon right now. Or at least that was my train of thought last night.

I think I must’ve dozed off, because the next thing I knew, I heard these voices drifting over from the corner. My first thought was “ah, great, how am I gonna tell the big boss man that I’ve lost it??? That’ll be so bad for business!” But the voices seemed way too distinct for my brain to have made them up. I mean, one of them had this really thick Scottish accent! Why would my brain randomly make up a Scot living in Transylvania?! It doesn’t make any sense. And if there’s one thing they taught me in law school, it’s that MOST things have a rational explanation behind them, and the occasional completely illogical nonsense is the exception rather than the rule, etc etc.

Anyways, I kind of slowly sat up to see what was going on, but I tried to be inconspicuous about it. I didn’t know who these people were, and I mean…just because Count Haddock lives in a creepy castle and is really nice doesn’t mean EVERYONE who lives in a creepy castle is going to be really nice, you know?

Besides, I was like, are these people even supposed to be here?! Count Haddock never mentioned living with anyone besides servants, and these people didn’t look like servants. They seemed to all be fancy ladies—well, it was a little hard to tell in just grayish moonlight, but the Scottish lady had this huge, luxurious mane of red curls, and the other two had this long, shiny blonde hair. And they didn’t really hold themselves like the common folk would, I don’t think. Does Count Haddock have a bunch of aristocratic squatters?! How did they even get in here, with all the locked doors???

I probably don’t need to tell you, but I really didn’t trust these strange girls. I mean, I study property law—I KNOW you have to be careful with squatters. I decided to eavesdrop for a while, just to figure out what was going on. Here’s what I got:

Scottish Lady: I’m telling you two, he wouldn’t have let her wander in here if he didn’t want us to have a little scran!

Blonde Lady #1: Ugh, you’re so stupid. Isn’t he doing a property deal with her or something? He probably doesn’t want her sucked yet.

Scottish Lady: Wait. THAT’S the lawyer?!

Blonde Lady #2 (who actually had a pretty deep voice, so come to think of it…was probably actually a guy with long hair??? My mistake): So what? Lawyers are a dime a dozen! We drain this one, and the head lawyer guy in the firm will just send another one.

Scottish Lady: You gommy! What are we going to tell him, ‘Ah, our bad one of your employees mysteriously vanished while staying in our castle! We’ll do better with the next one, we promise!’

Blonde Guy: Sounds like Hiccup’s problem, not ours. He’ll be fine, he can reason with anyone. And didn’t you JUST say we should suck her?

Scottish Lady: Yeah, but I didn’t know that’s the property lady! I thought she was just some village lass he charmed in here.

Blonde Guy: In THAT kind of business casual?

Blonde Lady: Ugh, I don’t CARE anymore. She’s starting to look too delicious for me to care what Hiccup thinks. He can find himself another lawyer.

Scottish lady: Maybe you’re right. A quick little slurp couldn’t hurt.

Blonde Guy: Yeah, that’s the spirit! We’ll leave enough for her to sell us the land plot or whatever.

Blonde Lady: Aw, Thor, YES! Dinnertime! Uhhhh, someone else go first, though. I don’t want to get thrown out the window again.

I really had no idea why they were talking about me like I was some kind of fancy buffet, but I decided I didn’t want to stick around to find out. I tried to slink out while they were bickering, but these people were alarmingly fast. I’d barely started to get up before they suddenly surrounded the couch, the blondes on either end and the Scottish lady eyeing me up in a way I was not super crazy about.

“Oh, beautiful young lass!” she purred. She climbed on top of me before I could even move, and before I knew it, she was straddling me. I pretty much froze up because I mean…no one is EVER that forward with me that fast, let alone strange women I’ve just met. Also I mean. I’ve never given much thought to liking women like THAT. I mean…I guess I’m not opposed, and maybe what happens in weird Transylvanian castles can stay in weird Transylvanian castles, but the fact remained that I didn’t even know this lady’s name and she was already looking at me like she wanted to…I don’t know. Do things not really discussed in polite society.

“Our hair matches. How about that?” she said, in kind of this thick, breathy voice. She picked up a lock of my hair and twirled it between her fingers, pressing it up against her own curls. They were in fact pretty close in color. But, man, was that awkward. I’m not super stingy about my personal bubble or anything, but that was a little much. Like, not because she’s a lady or anything—that part I was strangely okay with. More because I only met her five minutes ago (if you can call this making someone’s acquaintance), and also the metaphors comparing me to dinner weren’t my favorite.

She leaned down and whispered in my ear “you know what else is a very pretty shade of red?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out. But did I have much choice at that point?

That’s about when she lowered her face to press it against my neck (which I might have been into otherwise, but for god’s sake, we were NOT at that point yet!). Then I felt two very sharp teeth piercing into the skin just below my jawline.

I barely had time to start panicking before this huge roar shook the room, louder and fiercer than the dragons I’ve read fairy tales about. OR the ones Count Haddock described.

Then someone’s hand was around the Scottish lady’s neck, and she was being yanked into the air. I saw this flash of green eyes and white fangs, and that’s when I realized.

God, it was Count Haddock. And I had NEVER seen him that furious before. It seemed like every part of him was radiating rage. He was tensed up like a panther ready to spring, his eyes all flaming malachite and his teeth bared like a wolf’s. He took the Scottish lady and slammed her against the wall, hissing.

I honestly never imagined he was that strong, what with those skinny limbs of his. Some kind of adrenaline rush helped, I imagine.

I was stunned. I couldn’t say anything—I just laid there. Count Haddock was friendly, but I never knew he cared so…passionately about my safety. It’s flattering, thinking back on it. At the time, though…well, I’ll admit I was a little taken aback.

“Great Odin’s ghost, what is WRONG with you?!” he spat. “Attorney Runeardsen is our guest, and this is NOT how we treat guests! You dare lay so much as a FINGER on her when I’ve told you to leave her be?!”

The Scottish lady choked, and Count Haddock threw her at the blonde lady. They both stumbled back, the blonde man scurrying over to hide behind them.

“What, you let your little pet go wandering about the castle, and you’re surprised when we think she’s free for the taking?” the Scottish lady said scornfully.

Count Haddock stepped in front of the couch, shielding me from his three strange cohabitors. I saw he was so angry he was shaking, and he had to run a hand along the wall to steady himself, His fingernails dug into the wood like claws, and left long gougemarks.

I hadn’t noticed before then how sharp his nails were. Maybe seeing those two pointed front teeth so often desensitized me to sharp things on Count Haddock’s person. Maybe I should have been more alarmed. Truth be told, though, in the moment I was glad he was pulling the intimidation card on my behalf.

“She’s not my pet,” he snarled at his cohabitors. “She’s my business associate. If any of you so much as LOOK at her again, there’ll be hell to pay. You want Ms. Runeardsen, and you’ll have to go through me.”

“What’s so special about her?” the blonde lady griped. “She’s just a property lawyer! Can’t you get another one?”

“Yeah! We’re hungry!” the blonde man added crossly. “You haven’t brought us anything to eat in two weeks.”

I remember thinking, huh. They don’t look too worse for wear, for not having eaten in a fortnight.

Count Haddock scoffed. “A lot of business you have complaining when you three haven’t paid rent in 400 YEARS! I’ve been sharing my home with you, letting you freeload century after century, and THIS is how you thank me?!”

“Oh, here we go again, with the rent lecture,” the Scottish lady complained.

“Yeah, when are you gonna let that go, man?” the blonde man demanded.

“I’ll let it go when your lazy behinds start getting your OWN meals,” Count Haddock shot back, starting to sound tired.

“Why ARE you so enamored with that lawyer, anyways?” the blonde lady asked.

“Oooooohhhh!” the blonde man sneered. “Hiccup’s in looooove!”

The Scottish lady let out a harsh cackle. “Don’t be daft, both of you. He can’t love any more than we can. Not anymore.”

“Speak for yourself.”

Count Haddock’s voice softened, the anger and frustration seeming to drain out. He turned to face the three freeloaders, and I caught a glimpse of the side of his face.

His expression was tense, and his eyes were glistening in the darkness. He looked almost…sad.

“Maybe you’ve decided you can’t love anymore,” he said quietly. “But I’m not so sure.”

His whole body suddenly looked so crumpled and broken, and more than anything I just wanted to hold him. Sweep myself under that dark green cape of his and wrap my arms around his waist and tell him everything was going to be okay and he wasn’t unlovable and that I’m so grateful he probably saved my life. But with everything happening so fast, and his three creepy friends so close by, I just…I still couldn’t move.

“So, what?” the blonde man whined. “We don’t get any dinner? You promised!”

Count Haddock sighed. “FINE. You really don’t deserve it, after that horrifying stunt you pulled, but dinner’s in the bag.”

He walked over to the door and grabbed a large bag he had left there, slinging it over his shoulder. As he came back, I noticed something long and mangled sticking out of the top.

It was—and I wish I was joking—a human arm.

I thought all that talk of sucking and slurping and eating me was some kind of bizarre metaphor, but I guess not. Count Haddock and his friends, evidently, actually do eat people.

I guess my brain decided that was enough stress for one night, because the next thing I knew, I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was in my own bed. Pretty sure I didn’t sleepwalk all the way back here, so the only thing I can figure is that Count Haddock carried me. It’s vague, but the last thing I remember before I passed out is feeling his arms scooping under my legs and shoulders.

He must’ve carried me like a bride. Like Jack is going to carry Rapunzel after their wedding this summer. And all the way down the hall, too. And then he tucked me into bed and blew out the candles.

The thought shouldn’t make me blush as much as it does. I know it’s unprofessional. (Not to mention he also eats people.) But something about him…

The more I came to, the worse it got. As in, I realized he also left a glass of water on my bedside table and a platter of little mints and fresh Belgian chocolates, folded all my clothes on the floor and put them on a nearby chair (look, it is HARD keeping my room tidy, okay?!), and even changed me into a nightgown. All these little favors for me while I’m not even conscious, on top of keeping me safe from those strange roommates of his? How are you supposed to maintain a “strictly professional” relationship with—well, with someone like THAT? Someone who treats you so softly, and senses your needs better than you can, and is willing to unleash the wrath of a thousand ravenous beasts on anyone who may wish you harm? I mean yes, I should check up on what exactly the cannibalism situation is, but other than that…

I don’t know. Call me a naïve, wide-eyed sap, and a sorry excuse for a certified property attorney, but I don’t know if I can be “just colleagues” with Count Haddock. Something in me tells me we’re meant for something more.

Is that stupid? Probably. Nonetheless!

Human-flesh-eating aside, could you ask for a more perfect man??? I think not!

May 20

Hi friend,

Okay, SO. Hiccup finally told me what’s actually going on.

Yes, Hiccup! Uh…so Count Haddock and I are on a first name basis now. But more on that later.

So it all started when he called me in for dinner. So much good stuff last night, let me tell you—there was this kind of fried pancake thing called clătite brașovene, covered in batter and with beef, mushrooms, and breadcrumbs inside. It tasted amazing!!! He also made me this stuff called “robber steak,” and you really HAVE to try it—bacon, onion, and beef, red pepper seasoning, what’s not to love??? It reminded me so much of the little kebabs you can buy on the street back in Oslo! You know, the ones you give to the cats?

I got so excited when I saw the kebabs that…I think I squealed? Kind of unprofessional, but oh well. Probably so is lizard-walking down walls on all fours and feeding human bodies to your roommates, so Hiccup’s not in a place to judge. Anyways, I DID get a little embarrassed, and I guess I expected him to look amused, but he just seemed…sad?

And I couldn’t help it, I told him how much his robber steak reminded me of all the cats I buy street food for (and there are a lot…Jack’s always teasing that I’m going to blow through my first real paycheck buying dinner for every stray in Oslo), and how it felt like a little piece of home. And I swear, I think he teared up at that.

His tears weren’t…clear was the thing. It kind of looked like there was a little blood in them? He wiped them away too quickly for me to really tell. Anyways, his voice got curt and he corrected me, saying it wasn’t HIS robber steak but his COOKS’, and I shouldn’t group him in with commoners, etc etc. It sounded stilted, though, like he was rehearsing a script. And he wouldn’t meet my eyes as he said it.

He started to leave—and yes, I’ll admit it was a little undignified, but I called after him and asked him to stay for dinner. Not even to eat (seeing as he somehow always manages to eat before me), but just for company. It gets so lonely here, and he really did seem so melancholy. I thought maybe if we had an engaging conversation, we could perk each other up!

But he rushed off, saying he had to make dessert—and then immediately correcting himself that no, the COOKS had to make dessert. And he was gone, and, as usual, I had to eat my clătite brașovene and my robber steak in silence.

It was a long time before he came back. I was starting to doubt he would, thinking “dessert” was just an excuse to leave. Nonetheless, I waited at the table after I finished, admiring the paintings on the wall. Mostly portraits of sophisticated-looking young men, all in varying styles of dress from different time periods. Count Haddock’s ancestors, I assume—although oddly enough, all these men looked exactly like him. There were some pictures of those three strange people I ran into the other night—recent commissions, probably. And, of course, your standard gorgeous hill, forest, mountain, and river scenery—all landscapes in daylight, I noticed.

For as often as Count Haddock stays up all night, he doesn’t have many paintings of nightscapes, or the moon and stars. I guess he figures if he wants to see those, he can just look outside.

I was so wrapped up in the dining room art gallery that I started when the door opened. And there he was after all, holding a platter with some kind of cake on it.

I think it was meant to be…cozonac? It was hard to tell, honestly, because the whole thing was kind of flat and saggy and odd-looking—and when he cut it open, it was a mess of walnuts and melted chocolate that just sort of oozed out everywhere. It didn’t look anything like the pictures I’ve seen, but I’ll tell you what—it DID look delicious.

“I made this for you,” he said. No correction, no last-minute insistence that it was the kitchen staff. He swallowed hard and seemed to force himself to meet my eyes. He was fully owning up to producing this dessert that loosely resembled a cake, and I thought that was beautiful.

“You’ve been a great guest, and really helpful, and you’ve taught me so much about Oslo and Norway,” he added. “And I wanted to make you something with chocolate. Just, uh. I hope you like it.”

He started to back away, a little less quickly than he had with dinner. He hesitated, glancing from the table to the door like he couldn’t decide whether he should leave.

I chanced my input again. “Count Haddock, won’t you stay?”

And that’s when he sat down, smiling at me so softly that I felt warmer than the sun could ever make me. I don’t think the sharpest front teeth in the world could have made it any less beautiful.

“Call me Hiccup,” he said. “And yes. I’d like to stay this time.”

He cut me a piece of cozonac-ish cake, and was silent as I began to eat. When he did speak, his voice came out as this like…ashamed mumble, almost.

“I haven’t been honest with you.”

I was tempted to tell him that was obvious, but that seemed rude. I kept eating my dessert and looked at him expectantly.

“There…aren’t any kitchen staff, Anna. I wanted you to think I was some…normal, dignified nobleguy, with prestige and class and all that. Just your average member of the gentry, not…well, whatever the townsfolk say I am. But there aren’t any cooks. I’ve been preparing all your food myself.”

I barely managed to keep myself from laughing, and nearly choked on the cake in the process. “Hiccup,” I got out, fighting to keep my voice level. “I know.”

He gave me a weird look. “Wait. You do?”

“You’re not exactly subtle,” I told him. “And I know you’ve been making my bed and cleaning my room and leaving little gifts on my table. I think it’s endearing, and you’re without a doubt the BEST host I’ve ever had. You shouldn’t be so embarrassed just because this sort of thing is below your station, usually. Only the humblest AND noblest of men would work this hard to help a guest feel welcome.”

His cheeks darkened, and he looked away. “I mean—well, I DO appreciate that. But that isn’t the only thing you should know.”

And that, dear friend, is when I learned the whole truth. The full, would-be-court-approved testimony.

The Haddock story didn’t end with them fleeing Scandinavia and disappearing into Transylvania for the next several generations. Drago Bludvist was relentless, and he wasn’t about to let the foes who made his conquests so difficult get off easy. He slaughtered most of the Haddocks’ village and hunted down the survivors, ambushing them just when they finally thought they fled far enough.

The only ones to survive the second assault were the Haddock son and two of his friends. And this Bludvist guy, well…apparently, he had a pretty twisted sense of humor. He got a powerful warlock ally of his to put a terrible curse on all three, trapping them in a limbo where they could never age, supernaturally strong and fast forever (not bad perks honestly), but they had to subsist off human blood to survive and could never be in sunlight without getting burned. And so they found someplace out of the way, somewhere to hide from everyone who called them monsters.

Hiccup was crying by the time he finished the story. And I knew I wasn’t imagining it this time—there WAS blood in those tears.

And that’s about when I figured it all out. The pictures—they were all of HIM. He was the one who lost his dragon to Bludvist’s armies. And he was the last Haddock son, cursed with the worst kind of eternal life. Centuries old.

I thought he was being hyperbolic the other night, when he said his three roommates haven’t paid rent in 400 years. I guess not?

In any case, I couldn’t deny it any longer. I knew then that he was hungry for my blood. I knew then that he constantly must fight the urge to kill me, every instinct in him screaming at him to rip me apart. But I also knew then, without a shadow of a doubt, that no part of him WANTED to be that way.

I mean, I’m an attorney, for god’s sake. I can recognize fake crying when I see it.

And this boy had lost everything. His family. His tribe. His draconic best friend. His fiancé.

(I really don’t know why I still feel so weird about him having a fiancé several centuries ago. I guess it didn’t occur to me he might, although it shouldn’t be surprising—he’s an attractive man! Still, thinking about it makes me feel…uneasy for whatever reason. Funny how that’s eating at me more than him literally having to eat people to live, huh?)

That’s about when he confessed what I suspected all along: He was terribly lonely, locked away from the sun and the city and forced to live this kind of parasitic life. I can’t say whether he was venting in the heat of the moment, or if he had been working up the courage to admit this to me. Whatever the case, it only seemed to make him crumple more.

And I couldn’t help it, friend—something in me gave way. I don’t think I’d ever seen someone look so lost, and…shattered. In that moment, I decided “strictly business” etiquette could go to hell—if someone’s in immense distress, who am I not to help?!

So, in only the most unprofessional of ways, I rose from my seat and sat next to him, throwing my arm around his shoulder. He leaned into me in a way that made me think he had not been affectionately touched in a very, very long time.

For a while he cried into my neck, and I rubbed his shoulder and his back the way Elsa used to do before we grew apart. He stopped only to assure me he would wash the blood and tear stains out of my new suit as soon as he got the chance (having no staff means that, regrettably, he has to do all the washing himself. I did make sure to tell him he’s been doing a superb job of getting the sweat stains out of my blouses!). I told him not to worry himself over it, and I would be happy to help if laundry proved to be too much for him to handle right now. I’m sure resisting the urge to eat your delicious-smelling new friend is a trying affair, and I figure one gets stressed rather easily anyways when subjected to an eternal existence of sucking human blood in order to not die.

He told me, a little unsteadily, that I was the nicest person he’d met in 200 years. Every time he goes into town (to get cooking ingredients or new soap or what have you), everyone is always so rude, hissing and clutching their crucifixes and whimpering prayers. Last time Hiccup asked the grocer how his family was doing, the man called him hellspawn and told him he hopes his castle gets struck by lightning and goes up in a terrible inferno to match his personality! He also insulted Hiccup’s sun umbrella, saying it was severely out-of-fashion, and threw a bag of garlic at him that left burns that lasted weeks! Look, I know sucking blood can be a bit off-putting, but everyone deserves basic common courtesy, whether they eat people or not. Like come ON, have some maturity!

Anyways, I guess I soothed him after a while, because the crying died down—more like small sobs now and again instead of outright bawling. Once he seemed past the worst of all of it, I admitted something was confusing me. How was he so lonesome when the three strange people I met last night lived in the castle too, and apparently had been for quite some time? He chuckled a little darkly at this.

It turns out the four of them used to be great friends, a very long time ago. The blondes—a twin sister and brother, Ruffnut and Tuffnut—were the only other survivors from Hiccup’s village, and only others (that he knows of) to be afflicted with the vampire curse. That’s what his condition’s called, apparently. They were all each other had for a while. Merida, the Scottish lady, came a century or so later. She was a princess on the run from an arranged marriage, and she stumbled on Hiccup’s castle in her quest to go where no one could ever find her. Hiccup, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut invited her in, but Ruffnut ended up liking her too much to make a meal out of her, so she made her into a vampire instead. Apparently you can transfer the curse through some specific type of biting—who knew? I guess it makes sense, with those big pointy teeth and all.

They were thick as thieves, those four, back in the day. All kinds of running around the woods, climbing trees, scaling cliff faces with weird lizard wall-clinging skills. Seeing who could lift the thickest tree trunk (it was usually Merida). Dining on the town’s most depraved, stumbling on Hiccup’s castle on their run from the law.

But over the centuries, Hiccup and his friends grew apart. The main reason, he told me, was…“diverging opinions on the value of human life and such,” as he put it. Eventually, they ran out of deplorable townspeople and traveling ne’er-do-wells and bandits to eat, but the need for blood remained.

So Hiccup tried to live in moderation, taking only what he needed to survive. Occasionally even feeding on wildlife, for as far as that would get him. The others, however…

It sounded like an addiction of sorts—getting a little too fond of how lively and powerful they felt just after feeding on a human. And they wanted more, and more, and more…and kept finding ways to justify the killing to themselves, until they barely saw anything wrong with it at all. Makes me nervous, thinking of what they would have done to me the other night had Hiccup not showed up.

(I asked what happened after I passed out, and Hiccup told me his friends took their dinner and scuttled out the window in a huff. I didn’t ask who the “dinner” in the bag had been. Maybe I’d be happier not knowing…)

These days, Hiccup’s three cohabitors have gotten lazy, preferring to let Hiccup do the hard work of putting himself in danger to get them all food. They’ve been freeloading for…300ish years now, he tells me? And he dutifully provides still, despite how tumultuous things have gotten. I guess out of obsolete loyalty to his longest-standing friends, no matter how…morally questionable they’ve become. Or maybe grief for the friendship that once was. As is, though, he feels he has little in common with them anymore.

He told me how it breaks his heart, seeing how much the curse twisted the three of them. Often, he can’t even bear to be around them—to see what they’ve become. So he stays away, seeking them out only when it comes time to feed them. But the resentment, the anger that they’ve let themselves stray so far into the darkness—I can tell it’s still there. And the bitter loneliness of seeing his three best friends go down a disturbing path that he doesn’t have the heart to follow…it must weigh on him terribly.

“And that’s not even the worst part,” he told me when he finished the story. He stood suddenly as he said it, knocking my hand off him. It was difficult to imagine what could be significantly worse than having to regularly drink human blood, but nonetheless I gestured for him to continue.

“Ruff, Tuff, Mer, and I…” His voice shook as he said it, and he gripped the table like a lifeline. I wondered if the tears were going to come back.

“We were planning…” He trailed off and took a breath. “I’ve been trying to reach out to them. For, I don’t know, the last 50 years or so. Trying to rekindle the friendship we once had, because I couldn’t bear an eternity alone. Even if my only alternative was to spend it with people who had become…well, bloodthirsty and completely depraved. But I wanted someone. So the four of us made a plan—I made a plan. To try and make them happy. I thought maybe then, they’d love me again.”

He frowned at me and stiffened, like he was trying to hold himself together. “We figured it had been so many centuries that no one in our ancestral lands would remember who we were. If Drago had some kind of lineage, they surely would have died out by now. So we decided to return to the homeland in Scandinavia—to Oslo.”

“Of course!” I nodded, because it all made sense then. “That’s why we talked through buying all that land. You want to go home.”

“I was hesitant at first,” he admitted. “I was worried there were too many scenarios where we all ended up discovered and slaughtered. But the idea grew on me. I read books and newspaper articles and learned how much the outside world had grown since our time. And I realized how much I’ve missed the fjords and the sea cliffs and everything else. So I started setting everything in motion.”

He paused, like he was waiting for me to scream or wail or flee in terror or what have you. I planned on doing no such thing! I’m a professional, after all.

“Anna,” he added bluntly, when I didn’t provide him with a sufficiently horrified reaction. “We eat people. And we bought land in and planned to move to YOUR hometown. Shouldn’t you…I don’t know, be more concerned?”

Huh. Well, when he put it like that, I DID understand why this was concerning.

I couldn’t find myself too surprised, though, that this was the story behind everything going on. I’ve suspected something was up for a while now, and Hiccup and his roommates being cursed, blood-sucking creatures of the night fits with what I’ve seen. After all, what good is a lawyer if they can’t piece together the evidence they gather and arrive at something resembling the truth?

Hiccup doesn’t eat human food. No one in town will work for him. He can lizard crawl up the side of buildings. He has two front teeth perfected for breaking skin and drawing blood. He’s constantly in distress over seeing himself as some sort of “thing of evil.” His friends were talking about sucking me and draining me and calling me a meal. The townsfolk are terrified of him. He always disappears at dawn. He has circles of blue fire just lying around. Really, him being a blood-drinking night creature explains all that better than perhaps anything else could.

As absolutely absurd as it all sounds. But if law school taught me anything, it’s that oftentimes the truth is a LOT stranger than you think it will be. You can’t ever rule anything out until you have significant evidence against it—and it’s quite the opposite, in this case.

Strangely enough, I found I wasn’t hugely bothered with the idea of him coming to Oslo. It took me a moment to realize why.

“Well, you have to have blood to live, right?” I said. “So either you’ll be eating people here or you’ll be eating people in Oslo. What difference does it make where you are?” He gave me kind of a weird look, so I elaborated. “I mean, obviously the ideal number of people you would be eating is zero, but it sounds like that isn’t an option.”

He gave me what seemed like a genuinely apologetic look. “Anna, your friends…your family….”

Oh. Right. Jack and Punzie. Elsa. My colleagues at the firm.

I guess some part of me figured if I asked Hiccup to leave them out of it, he would. That he’d do me that one favor, after how much I’d tried to help him with the legalities of property transfer and the intricacies of Norwegian. That after everything…

Maybe he’d come to care for me.

The boss man would call me naïve if he knew. I guess I never could quash that little romantic in my chest, who kept insisting I wasn’t just fated to become some cranky, law-practicing old maid. But affection is a powerful thing, and I’d be an idiot to deny the reserve of it that was steadily building for Hiccup.

“And you…” He turned and walked away from the table as he said it. He started pacing back and forth, burying his face in his hands and groaning. “That’s the worst of all.”

That’s when the unease really started to set in, but I kept my cool. No one ever accomplished anything by descending into embarrassing hysterics.

“What about me?” I asked (impressively calmly, I think, given the situation).

“Once we got the property deeds, we were going to…” He cut himself off and sank into his hands, heaving a strangled breath.

I didn’t want to make him say it. “You were going to let your friends eat me. When I wasn’t useful anymore.”

“Yes!” He lowered his hands and looked right at me, and I saw he was teary-eyed again. “But I CAN’T, not now that I know you. These last few weeks have been the best I’ve had in decades. I’ve realized that I don’t just want to go to Oslo—I want to walk the streets with YOU, stopping at those little stalls to buy kebabs for the cats. I want to hold your hand under the aspens in the park and feed oats to the ducks—and I’d probably only eat one or two ducks, I promise. I want to ride the streetcars and window-shop and buy you things for Snoggletog…or whatever your equivaent of that nowadays is, anyhow. I want to roam the fjords with you at midnight, when it’s quiet—and watch the stars and the northern lights when there’s no one around but us. I want to see the moonlight on the waterfalls, and I want you to show me everything you love.”

He took a deep breath then, like he was willing the courage to go on. “You make Oslo sound so beautiful, but I can’t—I just can’t imagine it without you there, too. Getting excited when you point out all the things we talked about and filling my head with all of your fun facts. Telling me about your latest property court cases over fresh-cooked fårikål I made. Taking the train into the mountains on the weekend and watching the lynxes and puffins and reindeer and white foxes. I want to experience it all with you, Anna.”

I just stared at him, stunned. How did I, your run-of-the-mill property attorney, manage to impress a man who was centuries old?

“And now…the thought of hurting you, I just can’t—” He cut himself off again and heaved a ragged sob. “I couldn’t forgive myself. I’m so sorry I planned to. Sometimes, I think the townspeople are right about me—I really AM some kind of vile demon.”

And that’s when—god forgive me—I made what was easily the most unprofessional move of my career.

I couldn’t help it. He looked so devastated, and I had to show him he was a better man than he believed.

I stood and crossed the room in a few strides. His head was in his hands again, but he looked up as I approached.

And then, before my logical lawyer brain could kick in, I leaned in and grabbed his cheeks and I kissed Count Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III just like in the fairy tales!!!

His mouth was on the cold side, and his lips were dry and chapped, but he tasted so right. And he smelled like chocolate and nuts and cake batter and a little bit like what had come to feel like home.

I think I shocked him at first, because I felt him stiffen. But then he melted into it, and cold arms wrapped around my neck and suddenly it was one of those moments where I felt rather foolish for ceasing to believe in magic when my childhood was over. If the mystical was a farce, how did you explain the soft, velvety feeling in my chest, brought about from nothing but unchecked bliss?

And let me tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever felt safer than in the arms of a centuries-old undead creature. The irony is scandalous, I know.

Even after our lips parted, he still clung to me like a lost kitten. I pressed my forehead to his, just to assure him I was comfortable.

I spoke as quietly and soothingly as I could, saying “I’m not afraid of you. And I know you’re not going to hurt me now. I trust you.”

“How do you know you should?” he asked me, voice trembling.

I had to laugh at this, and I told him “Because, um…I really don’t think you would have put so much thought into all the fun activities we were going to do in Oslo together if you still planned on draining all my blood out.”

That got a laugh out of him, too! I think I was doing pretty damn well, all things considered.

“You…don’t hate what I am?” he asked.

“No,” I told him. “I’m not really that surprised, given all your…well…all the oddities around here. But you can’t help it that you were cursed, and I can tell you’ve got a good heart. That’s what matters to me.”

“It’s just…ugh. It’s all so complicated now.” He pulled away a little, hands on my shoulders as he stared at the ground. “The four of us were going to take over the whole damn city, draining or turning every last one of them. But now I can’t. I can’t do that to your home! And I wouldn’t hurt the people you care about, but…how am I going to keep Mer, Ruff, and Tuff away?”

He started to pace again, gesturing wildly as he talked. “And I already sent off the property deeds to be approved by your boss! What am I going to do when they come back?! How do I tell Merida and the others that maybe I don’t want to do this after all? Would they just kill me? Could they just kill me?”

I pointed out that was unlikely, considering they seemed like they hadn’t been outside the castle to even hunt in several years, but he still seemed worried.

“I can’t take over an entire city!” he went on. “Or subject them to this—this life I’m stuck with! But I still want to go to Oslo, but I have to eat! What am I supposed to do?!”

I pondered on it as he continued with his anxious ramble.

“Well,” I said—perhaps a little cheekily, I’ll admit. “You know, there’s plenty of ne’er-do-wells and criminals in the backalleys of Oslo. I’m sure they could stand to lose a little blood here and there. I mean, the authorities TRY to round them up, and we lawyers try to make sure they can’t make any more trouble, but even the keenest of law-upholders can’t catch them all.”

“So how long would they last?” he demanded. “How long before I start having to eat good people again, Anna? I don’t know how much longer I can take it!”

I pondered more at this. “I don’t know. It would take careful planning, for sure, and you’d have to figure out how to reign in your friends so they don’t make all of Oslo into a bloodbath, but I don’t think it’s hopeless. I’m trained to navigate, er—tricky situations, you could say. Legal, mostly, but it’s not strictly limited to that.”

“I just don’t know.” He shook his head, breathing hard. “I want to go, I want to explore, I want to see my homeland again, but I don’t—I don’t want to ruin your city with my…my undead debauchery! And I don’t want to put your friends in danger, but I want to stay with you, and this whole plan is a mess, and I just…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

He repeated the words frantically, over and over as he paced with his hands tugging at his hair. A strange calm settled over me, and for whatever reason, I suddenly felt more collected than I had in days.

Even if he was fraying, that didn’t mean I couldn’t tie up his loose ends. I didn’t pass the BAR to fall into panics whenever trouble arose.

“Hiccup,” I said, walking over to him again. I reached up and placed a hand on top of his own, guiding it down from his head and lacing our fingers together. His shaking seemed to wane, if only a little.

I spoke with as much confidence as I’d ever had, and I told him:

“I know it seems like a lot, but I promise you we will figure something out. I’m a lawyer, after all—it’s my goddamn job.”

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