#my life starts changing again and my dad finds out he has stage 4 cancer.

[bongsavior]

f

[applepi-1]

The photographer -Iwaizumi Hajime (Part 1)

Okay so this is kinda different- but not really. First-person.

Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14 - Part 15 - Part 16 -

About:

Oi, My name is Y/n L/N, I'm 17 years old, I go to Aoba Jousai. I'm not like most girls, I'd rather take pictures of nature, than myself. I'd rather study, than worry about boys. I like to draw and sing, more than fangirling over the one and only Oikawa. I get hurt easily, so I stay far from people. The only thing I really have in common with every girl is... I'm very insecure. I have fat thighs, and chubby arms, not too chubby. But chubby enough. I have belly fat that I don't really care for. I have a secret... I distant myself from people for their safety. I'm sick. And I don't know if I'll make it. So, I make sure people know how 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘦𝘤𝘵 they are. But then he happened... ʰᵉ changed my whole perspective. I all of the sudden wanted him to be the main thing I take photos of. So what does a girl do at the time of wanting to take photos of someone perfect?

Easy. We ℓιє.

—

I'M NOT THE AVERAGE GIRL, anybody who crosses my path knows it. I'm not popular, I hate fangirls. Always fanning over someone named Oikawa, I have never seen him, every time I tried to see what the big deal was, I can't get past people's heads. Who knew fan girls have bigger heads? Not me. I gave up after a week, if he was pretty as people fan over, I wanted to take pictures of him. But no, his fans don't like to share. See, I'm a photographer and I love taking photos of people. People who catch my eye, people like to call them special. I don't see why, but they do. I just like taking photos of people who are interesting. I can't describe it, lately, I feel like I'm losing my touch. I'm sick. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 13, that's when I got the ability to see the right people take photos of. Now... that I'm getting worse, I feel like I'm losing my touch. I have no parents to help me through this, they died when I was 15. Been by myself for 2 years, no friends. I chose it's better to distance myself from people. So they don't get hurt, I had a friend before... but I ended it, keeping my distance. She never knew, I never had the guts to tell her. So here I am, now 17, laying in bed, drawing. I looked out the window and saw it was a pretty day. Sitting up, I grabbed my camera, putting my shoes on, and heading out the door. What a beautiful day. I smiled as the wind blew, walking to my usual spot. I put my camera to my right eye, sighing when nothing catches it. I turned around a bit and stopped. Him, he has black, spiked-up hair and slightly thicker than average eyebrows. His eyes are dark brown. Him, I still got it. He was blowing on his hands to get warm but to me... I don't get cold. Some meds they have me on, I hate it. I took the photo, maybe, just maybe, I still have it in me. I gasped as my camera hit the grass. "I am so sorry." I turned around and stopped.

“F/n?” I looked at the h/c girl, and e/c, my old friend. F/n F/L/n

"Y-Y/n?" I nodded my head a little, still frozen in my spot. "How are you? I mean... since.."

"I'm fine." I suck at lying. 

"No.. you're not." I sighed and grabbed her hand leading her to a bench. 

"There is so much to tell you."

"I'm listening." 

"I'm sick." Her face changed and she stood up. 

"Then let's get you home."

"No." I grabbed her hand and sat her back down. "I'm sick."

"For how long?"

"Since I was 13." Her face soften and she looked down. "That's why I left, I didn't want you to be hurt if I just... died."

"But it still would've hurt. Why now?"

"You deserve to know the truth." She looked like she was lost in thought. 

"What's the stage?"

"2, um, they say it can still be cured but..."

"They're not saying for sure." I nodded my head sighing. "Still taking photos?" I smiled and lifted it up. 

"Definitely." We laughed and leaned back, as the wind blew. F/n shivered but noticed how I just closed my eyes and relaxed.

"You're not cold?" 

"Nah, the meds they have me on prevents me from feeling. Like cold, hot, whether stuff." 

"I'm sorry, I can't imagine being in your shoes." I sighed and looked down. 

"It's not all bad.." I admitted. "One thing I've learned from dying is.. you live in the moment. And I tend to live my moments happy." I closed my eyes and smiled, I turned my head to F/n and smiled more. 

"How long did they say you have?"

"17 days, give or take. They don't know when for sure..." 

"17 days? Shit, Y/n, that must be hard?"

"I'll be fine. They said my body will probably die last, which means my brain will die first. Meaning they say I might not feel anything." I told her as I stood up. "Want to hang out and watch TV?"

"Anime?" I laughed and nodded my head. 

"Sure." She got up and lynched our arms, walking in sync to my house.

"You said earlier about not feeling anything.. when you go. Aren't you scared?"

"Of dying?"

"Well, yeah." She stopped and had a serious look on her face. "Isn't that scary?"

"No... I'm not scared of dying. Truth be told, I'm scared most of losing myself to this disease. That's all that scares me..." 

"Yeah, but what about true love? You'll never get to experience it. Isn't that number 14 on your list?" I looked at my old friend remembering our list. 

1- Travel the world

2- Start a riot - done, school wanted to close a dance... we got carried away. 

3- Beat Mom in chess -done. 

4- Skip a week of school -done, doctor appointments 

5- Take pictures of extraordinary people -done

6- Take Mom to the secret spot -done

7- Get a guys number

8- Make one guy friend

9- See the other get married

10- First kiss

11- Afterlife? 

12- Have a Naruto Marathon -Done

13- Crash Y/n's moms and dads anniversary dance -done

14- Find our true love

15- Fix someone's heart

16- Be in two places at once

17- If the other dies, take a picture of the sky with the caption saying, I'll see you again in another life

18- Make each other godmother

19- Take lots of photos- done

20- BE FRIENDS FOREVER!!

"Yeah it is.. and there is still some we haven't done together."

"True. We can cross off be friends forever.. right?"

"Right." 

20- BE FRIENDS FOREVER -DoNe  

"I hope you find love before you go." 

"Yeah, I doubt anyone will love a sick girl..." 

"You never know. Come on. We have school tomorrow. Let's go to my house first, get clothes. Sleepover?" I nodded my head, smiling. 

"I'd love that." And that's exactly what we did, watch anime, and have the best sleepover.

[jawritter]

You and Me..

Chapter 2

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** This chapter is pretty light. Mentions of death of characters parents, Jensen is a little bit of an ass, language, that’s pretty much it. 

Word Count: 2057

Pairing: Jensen Ackles X Reader, Jared x reader, OFC Steve x Reader, OFC Justin x Reader.

A/N: When I originally wrote this chapter I didn’t even know who Steve Carlson was, so the Steve in this story isn’t him lol. Oddly enough I wrote this before I even really knew he was making an album lol. Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. After this chapter things tend to start to pick up a little.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

You woke up, much like you do every morning, with the alarm clock going off obnoxiously on your bedside table.  Mornings were never your thing, but the bills weren't going to pay themselves. You rub your face hard, trying to force your eyes to focus, and your body to stay awake even though it was putting up one hell of a fight. It wants sleep, and you so desperately want to give it just that.

Finally, after about 15 minutes you roll yourself over and stand up next to the bed, looking around your messy room. You had just moved back to Austin not all that long ago. You had always lived in Texas in one place or another, but just one family vacation to Austin when you were a teenager and you were in love with the city. So as soon as you graduated high school you wasted no time in putting your application in for the University of Texas.

Much to your surprise, and a few others, you were accepted. You had wanted to major in either writing or music. Everything went great for about the first semester. Your grades were good. You worked nights at a local bar, much like a lot of your classmates,  and spent your days in classes. You had new made friends, and you were finally starting to get your foothold in life. Well, that's what you thought anyway.

At the end of your first semester of college, your mother was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. When your family called you moved back to your home town, dropping everything to be with your family. Your mother and you were very close. There was no way you were going to stay away while she fights this demon that they call cancer.

It was a long fight. Over and over again she defied the odds of the doctors and everyone around her. Still, after a long five-year battle she lost her fight with the disease. Once the funeral was over you knew it was way too late to go back to college. You had taken some online courses though, and gotten your degree in creative writing while you were at home taking care of your mother.

You and your father had never really gotten along, so staying home wasn't going to be an option. With all that in mind, you did the only thing you knew to do. You made the move back to Austin in the same month as your mother's funeral. Your father had over the years fallen into alcoholism. He'd always fought it, but after your mother's death, it only got the best of him. You weren’t going to stick around and watch him destroy himself.

Last year he straightened out a curve on the way home. He never survived the crash. Your brother had him cremated. He didn't even bother calling you, and telling you till it was all over. Your brother wasn't happy about you leaving home. He blamed you for your dad's struggle with the bottle after mom died, but that wasn't your fault. You didn't put a funnel in his mouth and make him drink. No one twisted his arm. He did it all on his own.

For the past three years, you had been renting an apartment in downtown Austin. It was a small, just a studio apartment, but it was all you needed. You had also landed a job at a small recording stupid in Austin. Even though you loved writing, and still did it on the side, you hadn't gotten your break yet. Music was your passion. It was what got you up in the morning, and helped you make it through the day. It was your therapy. Your outlet. Your escape from this shit existence that was your life.

You had slowly worked your way up In the studio. Starting with getting coffee, and cleaning behind the artist that came in to record. It didn't take long for Steve, your boss, to see that you had a good ear for music. He put you helping in the recording booth not long after you started.

Today you were informed that there would be a new local artist coming in to start his recording process and you were put on his beat. They didn't tell you his name, but they did say that you would probably recognize him. Even though he was local, he was famous, but they didn’t tell you who he was in order to keep rumors down the only one who knew who was coming was Steve. They made you swear not to tell anyone that he was recording, telling you that he wanted it to stay a secret until the album was done. That's why he chose a local recording studio instead of some big one in California.

As you walked to the studio this morning your nerves were vibrating. Justin, another sound tech that would be working with you today, greeted you at the door.

"You ready Y/N?" he asked, greeting you with a smile over his shoulder.

"Ready as I'll ever be," you tell him, putting your purse under the counter in the lockbox you all used and turning your phone on silent. No outside noises were ever allowed in the studio.

"Well I hate to put more on us than we already got, but there are two things you need to know before the artist gets here today. First, Jennifer, the girl that normally does the coffee, drinks, and whatever else the artist needs isn't going to be here today, her son has strep. Second, Steve will also be sitting in on today's session," he said, looking at you apologetically. 

You hated working with Steve. He was such a jerk when it came to recording time. He wanted everything done too quickly. Always in a rush to make a deadline instead of taking his time, and getting the best recording.

Jennifer being gone, and two other guys in the sound room with you means that you will most likely be stuck on snake detail for this artist, and whatever bunch of groupies he's bringing with him all day.

"Lovely,” you said with a sarcastic eye roll. Justin continued to look at you apologetically.  

“It's cool, let's just get this started. I'll get the recording room ready. How many are in his party today?" you asked, waiting for the answer that you dreaded the most.

"Only one other guy will be coming with him today from what I understand. Today is gonna be a lot of met and discuss. From what I understand there will be a guest singing on this album too. So it's probably a good thing Steve's gonna be here. If this guy is a prick then Steve can handle him." 

Justin's attitude toward the whole situation cracked you up. Apparently, he was just as excited about this as you were.

You walk into the recording room and begin to sit out beers, whiskey, water, and even start the coffee pot going in the break room. You walk back in the recording room and start sitting out shot glasses and other things when you heard voices coming your way. You look up in time to meet a pair of deep emerald green eyes staring back at you.

Your breath catches in your throat as you look around the room at all the men.

"I'm the only chick, great," you think to yourself, but there was something about the smirk on the man's face standing in front of you with the emerald green eyes that made your stomach do flips with a feeling you've never felt before.

He smiled at you and It nearly knocked you off your feet. Damn, this guy is gorgeous. That's when Steve decided to speak up.

"Y/N, this is Mr. Jensen Ackles, and his friend, Jared. Mr. Ackles has graciously chosen our stupid to record his debut album," Steve says, moving to stand beside Jensen.

You try to keep your jaw from hitting the floor as you take in the two actors standing in front of you. You had been a fan of Supernatural for years.

You nod at the two men. "It's nice to meet," you say, and they both smile back at you. Neither spoke, which you found odd. When you watched the con videos online they seemed so friendly.

"The room is ready, Steve," you tell your boss, then quickly as you can scamper into the sound room with Justin to wait for them to get started. 

You didn't really need to know what all they were doing. You just needed to make sure that whatever they were doing sounded good on tape.

"You alright Y/N?" Justin asks as you sit down in the chair with a huff.

"Yeah, That's Jensen freaking Ackles. I'm going to be working with Jensen freaking Ackles," you say in a state of shock.

"Easy girl, you know celebrities don't like to be fangirled all over," Justin says with a chuckle as he fires up the equipment and computers.

"I'm a professional Justin. I'm not going to fangirl all over anyone," you tell him with an eye roll. 

You watch as the men stand there and talk, pointing to different things. Steve getting Jensen ready to get started.

After a few hours of recording, and some drinks later Jensen, as well as Steve and Jared, had loosened up a little. Jared was in the sound room with you guys watching his best friend work. He was easy to talk to. During a break in recording while you were downloading the song he just recorded into the computer, Jared had been showing you pictures of his kids. He'd been cracking you all up with stories for the past hour.

"See this is Tom, trying to prank his little brother with a whip cream pie," he said, leaning over to you, showing you the video. That's when the two of you heard Jensen’s deep voice boom over the monitors.

"Hey, Steve, tell your girl in there to stop flirting with a married man, and go bring me some fucking coffee."

The whole room turned to look at you. Jensen was still sitting in the recording room with a guitar in his lap, giving you a cold stare through the thick glass. The comment stung. You weren't his damn maid, and you weren't flirting with a married man. Steve gave you an apologetic look. You knew you had to play along. Jensen was paying them a lot of money. So if he wanted you to shine his shoes while he sang you had to do it.

"Right away Mr. Ackles," Steve said, giving you a look that screamed, “I'm sorry.” 

Jared was giving his friend a death glare that Jensen didn’t seem to notice, or at least didn’t care.

"I'm sorry Y/N, he's just been a little on edge lately. That's not normally Jensen," Jared apologizing for his friend as you stand to go get his coffee for him.

"It's fine," was all you can say. 

In truth though, you felt like he'd just ripped your heart out and stomped on it. Not to mention humiliated you in front of your boss and coworker.  You fought back tears as you poured his coffee and entered the recording room.

You handed him his coffee, not even looking at him. He snatched it out of your hand, not even looking at you or saying thank you. You thought you had a crush on this guy. Turns out he's an ass hole like every other celebrity and artist you'd ever meet. Just another cocky dick that thought his shit didn’t stink.

Watching him on Supernatural and Smallville had gotten you through some really hard times in your life. You would have never thought he’d have done anything like he just did to you. You always pictured him as such a nice, genuine guy. Man, were you ever wrong.

You made your way from the recording room to the front where you kept your purse under the counter and shot Steve a text that said you weren’t feeling good, and you had to go home. Which wasn’t totally a lie, because your heart was broken, and you couldn’t stop the wave of tears that were streaming down your face.

You didn’t know why that one man’s opinion had hurt so much. You didn’t know him, and he didn’t know you, but as you fell back through the doors of the apartment you felt like your heart was shattered into a thousand pieces.

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[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

Just found out Grandma has cancer and she's moving in with the hospital bed package I helped put together today at the house.

The lady says she weighs less than 100 pounds and needs an oxygen tank.

This don't even feel real.

I'm helping the lady setup the bed, lifting stuff, and cleaning out the bunch of clothes and junk that nobody uses and it really didn't kick in...

It still hasn't.

My heart Andy hand was shaking as I had to sign the delivery note.

Not even a "Good luck with your Grandma" or "Condolences to you and your family" I told the delivery lady she had cancer and we're talking about it like its a happy topic on the news. She had music to keep her going as she picked up stuff off the truck. I wanted to tell her come back, wait...like are you sure you got the right house?

Like are you sure mom and dad or grandma isn't playing. Cause I haven't seen her in like a month. My clothes and stuff is still at her house in Grand Rapids.

And I don't wanna run into any arms. Like I don't wanna hear nothing but silence for the next 3 or 4hrs.

I'm trembling, shaking, paranoid.

I almost had a panic attack after that lady left. Well let's be real, I did.

But the fact that everybody else in this family is acting like this shit is normal and everybody wants me to behave....I can't say or do shit about it.

Like my room is connected to her room. Imma have to get used to walking past her bed just to use the bathroom. And eat?

I don't even know if I will, cause here's the thing....mom and dad are most likely gonna put me on duty. And last time when I spent a week with her, taking care of her...I was so stressed out, that I didn't even eat.

And cancer did pop in my head as a worst case scenario, because we had no clue what she had and she seemed ok when I got kicked out in March.

She avoided doctors and the hospital for years after her surgeries. I just....

I don't even know if I wanna know what stage she is at. Cause last time I stayed, when we had that argument, she wasn't eating too good, cheeks sunken in, I knew something was wrong. Even her house, her dishes were all piled up with black mould on em from being in the sink of dirty water too long. It felt like we stepped into a resident evil house from that one in the country. Even momma said that's not like her, because old ocd Clara, does not play about cleaning dishes. Soups did her no good and she was only getting down like 2-4 pieces of watermelon that daddy had brought. And her house in the summer is hot as heck, so I'm glad daddy had bought her that air purifying fan. She just did not go to the hospital. She said no for the longest when we offered to take her.

I'm glad she finally said yes.

But I don't know how far along she is. Everything has changed so much in less than a year.

I don't even know if I'll be the same after this. And I got a giant ear and toothache that keeps creeping in when I get too stressed like this.

I pray I stay away from drinking. Cause my hallucinations get worse after drinking...I really need to see a psychiatrist about that.

I just hope mom and dad don't start fussing again at home, it's already tight, mom is still going through alzheimers grief with our other grandma. Like she forgot her name already once. And these two strong black women that I grew up on are near 70. Clara, with cancer 67.

I don't even know what my father feels about this and that's what scares me the most. Cause he's mostly been the type to say he's okay, doing fine or alright if I ask him how he feels, buy he doesn't ever really change unless something super pisses him off...like cars parking too close when there's empty spots, drivers doing wide turns, people walking 8 ppl wide on the sidewalk at an amusement park or public event.

Or if he gets into with momma, but they haven't fought as much since I left in March...

But idk. With those two both on edge, the only time they can talk about emotions in a calm way is when they drink or go out to the bar, eat some wings, and get some drafts going while watching the game.

But that was younger dad, and this is now. Now...I assume he's gonna do a lot more golfing...

Idk how they're gonna manage us helping out.

But I pray I find my own job and apt soon. I wouldn't wanna live in chaos. Nor do I wanna fight about it either with my family, that have been known to push duties on me without really helping or noticing the people pleasing problem I learned from serving them all these years. I've never been allowed to say no to my mother and father. They always get upset with me when I do.

I don't wanna go through this alone, but as God showed me the ppl who really were a bad influence on my life, I don't have many friends to rely on to support me and pour my heart out too. After being hurt even when I dealt with the aftermath of that fight with mom, I found myself alone much more often than I thought. Missing the wrong ppl.

I'm not making that same mistake again. I'm not gonna make that silly mistake and call a guy only for him to take advantage of me sexually. I'm not having sex or making out with anybody unless we're committed to each other and he's already proven he's with me for love and not just sex.

Cause there are nice guys who try to outsmart women who would rather have sex after commitment, only to play them after giving the gf title.

How the fuck did I get to this topic, and I just found out Grandma Clara has cancer and we don't know how long for or what stage she's at?

See how far my mind overthinks in critical situations like this?

Now I'm off to watching Kenny Rogers cause I'm feeling a country craving right after I just cried my tears and helped clean her room, assembled her bed..

Ppl don't usually prepare for having a family member you didn't expect to take care of for cancer, it sorta feels low, because I don't know what to expect when she comes tomorrow...I don't know exactly what's gonna happen, but I pray I get a job close by so I can at least have a place to stay away from my already crazy home, and get moving on goals and dreams.

But I know why I feel so obligated to leave and to stay for grandma in flint...because I don't know what's going to happen to her or to me. And she's been apart of me for such a long time. She used to be the only person who understood me when I would get to sensitive or have depression, separation anxiety, seeing or feeling dead people, reading dreams intuitively together. Me and her was like the grandpa off of Roald Dahl's Willy Wonka story. She was the older version of me, and nobody understood me like her. Everybody else in my family would make fun of me for being like her. Whenever mom thought I did something that reminded her of Clara, she'd called me by her first name "Clara." Cause she raised me awhile when dad and sometimes mom went to work. Daddy at football games in college, but I think he had to drop out after me....I kinda thought back and thought I was a burden as the reason why they always seemed to overwork me so young as the oldest. Put a smile on your face and go to your room to cry. Kinda like cinderella. Well grandma Clara said it....she always worried about that when she visited.

Her personality was similar to how Ms. Lisa was on Sister Sister. Ms. Talkative, except her favorite color was purple 💜 and she always had an ego, and intuitive perspective on alot of things. She could see things as if she knew what was gonna happen next, like predicting a chess move. Very determined, independent, she hates being wrong, and she'll bark her mouth off if you tried to debate with her. She liked dressing up and going out. But when she's frugal, she'll cook something at the house. Oh, and she loved sweets. And she loved to talk.

I mean lots. I would say our usual was 2hrs, but that was so long ago. I definitely feel the change settling in. Only time will tell.

[angelthefirst1]

Morning Star - Sequence

Part 3

The interruptions that started it all... OH! Next we Rosita walk onto the radio room, she hears Stephanie on the radio and responds.

Eugene comes down the ladder and is freaking out that Stephanie will be scared off. He pushes Rosita away and tells her she made him break her promise.

Rosita teases him asking if he is getting action at Oceanside. He tells her to leave and tries to reconnect with Stephanie no answer.

The interruption is 1. Daryl freaking out after the "oh" moment in 'Alone' and opening door without checking it was safe, causing Beth to disappear and also causing the interruption that stopped the music playing in 508 (Beth being shot) causing her to break her promise to Daryl. In 'Alone', just after Daryl tells Beth to pry open a window, get your shit. She tells him. "I'm not going to leave you" this is the promise she broke... temporally anyway. With Eugene it causes Stephanie to disappear from the radio.

Plotting revenge on Grady Next we see Alpha and Negan near a river, he is telling her that they might deserve a massacre but it would feel better to make them join the Whisperers, bend the knee (Another clue we are in current times but also back at the Negan times) Beth plotting revenge on Grady for all they have done to her, and she is going to be ruthless. Grady cops in a panic Next we see the Hilltop people gathered in Maggie's office, they are deciding if they should stay and fight or run because of the horde Alpha is going to release on them.

They decide to evacuate with the plan to go to Oceanside, kids first. (This is the point where Maggie is unwell back in season 6 and the group load her into the RV to get her to the Doctor at Hilltop) I don't have much more to add to this, I think this will be repeated by Grady cops at some stage trying to evacuate when Beth comes for them. It also makes me think that Grady may have a second location linked to it. But we will see... Evacuating - Loading up the RV and heading to Hilltop from Alexandria We see the kids evacuated first, and they come across this in the road.

As I said earlier it's a repeat of season 6 when the roads are blocked by Negan, with logs on fire and hanging walkers with X on their trunk just before Glenn dies. Kids evacuated first = Maggie being pregnant   Daryl says this is Negan, he’s with her now The evacuation is cancelled and they all return to Hilltop. There is a large emphasis on kids returning to Hilltop and the first thing we hear when this scene opens is an anxious "Dad" from Gracie to Aaron, a call back to the fact that a dad Glenn has just died In the season 6 road, and Maggie had to get to hilltop to save the child. Maggie was told she couldn't stay at Hilltop when she first arrived and Kelly says "you all said we couldn't stay here"

Earl says they have to stay and fight the Whisperers and that it would be the fight of their lives (referencing the war against the saviors past story)

Carol/Beth is also just in the background as Earl says this, she will have her own ‘fight of her life’ at the same time. (Past story of the Grady fall)

Ezekiel and Noah take it all on themselves.

Next we see Carol and Ezekiel. 

Carol finds out about his cancer and touches his neck in a way that reminds me of how Beth touched Noah's face back in Grady.

Dawn had Noah beaten because he took the blame for what Beth was tricked into doing.

Ezekiel has taken the cancer all on himself; he should have shared it with Carol, just like Noah took all the blame for Beth killing Trevit.

These characters are reverse repeats of each other.

Carol and Ezekiel sit on the bed after sleeping together (and no, I don’t think Noah and Beth slept together) and Ezekiel wants to know if it would have happened any other night? If they didn't know they were going to die tonight?

Carol says "we're going to die tonight?" They grab hands and smile at each other.

It's a call back to both Beth and Noah’s deaths not far apart from each other, Beth dies in the Grady hospital 508 (Hilltop) and not long after in ‘Spend’ 514 Noah dies getting eaten by walkers (by getting eaten by mosquito's)

Just before his death scene he gets in a van with music playing really loudly "Now you're all going to die"

Still Consumed but all Alone Next we see Eugene (Carol/Beth) hooking up batteries

Rosita (Daryl) comes out and sees what he is doing, a complete call back to Daryl coming after Carol in 505, when she is planning on leaving the group at the church.

Carol wants to leave, but Daryl catches her just before she can and stops her. At the time she is looking at a car battery in the trunk of a car.  

They end up taking this car to follow the cops who had taken Beth. Rosita is confident she will see Gabriel again, like Daryl was with Beth, Eugene says “the odds point to their demise”.

This was how Carol was in consumed she didn't think they get to save people (Beth) anymore.

Rosita changes the subject, saying I though you would be trying on the radio to contact Stephanie.

Eugene says he stopped transmissions, then Rosita hands him the alcohol

 (Daryl getting Beth moonshine), we even have a yellow truck in the background, a reminder of still and Beth's yellow polo.

Eugene stopped transmission not long after the moonshine, so it's a call back again to Beth being taken from the funeral home and stopping communication with Daryl.

Eugene when he drinks the alcohol finds it harsh just like Beth.

This scene is also a call back to the still porch

Rosita (Daryl) says "you like this girl huh?" It's like Daryl talking to himself.

Eugene says, it seems Stephanie can't forgive you're mistake.

(Referring to Rosita trying to talk to Stephanie and scaring her away, which is just another version of Daryl getting scared in Alone, when he quickly left after the “oh” moment and made the mistake of opening the funeral home door)

Eugene says Stephanie must find him unworthy of further attention, and hints at not being worthy of love. Rosita says he has no game, but that Stephanie likes him or she wouldn't have been talking with him this much.

Eugene still isn't sure… We are now back at alone where Beth doesn't know what changed Daryl’s mind, she is still unsure what he means..

Beth says to Daryl “don’t mmmhhh what changed your mind?”

Rosita (Daryl) says "Do you want to kiss me? Come on Kiss me!" and hurry up

before I change my mind!!!

They almost kiss but of course it is interrupted.

Eugene realises he wants to kiss Stephanie. (Who has disappeared due to Rosita’s/Daryl’s mistake)

When Eugene (Beth) doesn't kiss Rosita (Daryl), Rosita says wow, you like this girl huh? So get off your ass and go get her.

Daryl did get off his ass and chased Beth all night to try and get her.

Continue in part 4...

[daydream-hobii]

Roses & Thorns | Chapter 1

Genre: Hybrid!AU, fluff, angst

Pairing: Hybrid!OT7 x Female!Reader | Alpaca!Seokjin, Panther!Yoongi, Fox!Hoseok, Wolf!Namjoon, Bear!Jimin, Tiger!Taehyung, Bunny!Jungkook

Summary: Y/N is a rehabilitator of hybrids who have been abused or being sold for auction. It’s an illegal thing to do, but she feels strongly that this is the right thing. For many years, she has saved hundreds of hybrids who have needed her help, even for her young age, and six of them decided to stay with her. Namjoon, who was the second saved, initiated an intimate relationship, which Taehyung, who was the first saved, wanted in on. Over time, some of the hybrids that came after the two wanted to join in on the relationship. Now, Y/N has saved a very rare fox hybrid named Hoseok, who is very curious and even more broken. He has the choice to stay with these people and maybe join their relationship or move on to a rehabilitated district where he can have a life of his own. What will he choose?

Warning: Mentions of Abuse, Sexual Assault, Suicide & Mental Illness! Read with Caution <3 | Suggestions of Smut? (I’m not good at writing smut, so it’s just implied… ^_^)

Word Count: 1,754

Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12 // Chapter 13 // Chapter 14 // Chapter 15 // Chapter 16 // Chapter 17 // Chapter 18 // Chapter 19 // Chapter 20 [FINAL] //

Author’s Note: Hi there!!! Welcome to my new AU! ^_^ I know it starts off with Hoseok again, but I started writing this a long time ago, and couldn’t be bothered to change them around. Give it time!! I promise the other boys become just as important!! <3 Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read it <3 Tell me what you think so far!! I love hearing from you! ^_^ I hope you enjoyed it!

             I sat in the back, a mask hiding my eyes and half of my face. I wore a long, elegant black dress with matching black gloves up to my elbows. Every time I watched a hybrid walk off, and their owner stand up to claim them, my heart always sank to my stomach. I wanted to save them all, but only had my eyes on one. I listened carefully, as the announcer began to speak.

           “Now, we have our last hybrid. A very rare kind, as they aren’t made anymore and are on the brink of extinction, we have a rare red fox hybrid!” He said, excited.

           The crowd gasped and awed as the hybrid was walked onto the stage, only in boxers. He stared at the ground, his soul broken and eyes dead. He had a metal collar around his neck, with a chain attached as the handler tugged, making him turn around. Some of the ladies hummed in approval, making me feel sick. When I saw his back, I held back a gasp. There were some whip marks across it, some old some new. It was hard not to cry.

           “We start the bid at 10,000,” He said, smirking.

            I listened carefully, assessing my situation. The numbers kept getting higher and higher, and I stared at the hybrid carefully. You could tell he was trying not to wince as he stared at the ground, ears twitching as he listened. My attention was back when the announcer started to end the bidding.

          “20,000 going once!” He shouted. I stood up quickly, raising my sign.

          “50,000!” Someone shouted, making me wince. I couldn’t go that high… I’ve been following this hybrid for a week, and I wasn’t about to let him get out of my hands.

          “SOLD!” The announcer shouted, chuckling. “Have fun with your prize, little lady.” I watched the woman stand up, licking her lips as she walked forward. I quietly stood, going outside.

          I looked around franticly looking for a way to get to the back of the building. I found an alleyway, which I ran down and jumped a fence, ripping my dress. I cursed as I saw the door fling open, catching me off guard. I kept my composure as the lady brought out the fox hybrid, smirking and whispering to him. When she looked at me, she jumped.

        “Who are you?” She asked, looking a tad bit scared.

        “Listen, I’d like to buy that Hybrid off of you,” I said, giving a small, fake smile. She scoffed pulling the fox closer, making him wince.

        “No way. I paid a lot of money, and he’s one of the rarest. Screw off,” She said, trying to walk past me, but I stopped her.

        “I can pay you back. Please, it’s for my grandfather… He’s an elderly man who has cancer,” I begged, bringing tears to my eyes. “You can’t be that heartless.”

       “Alright… Go on…” She mumbled, making me sniff.

       “He’s had cancer for about five months… The doctor says he doesn’t have much time. The one thing he said that he always wanted was a fox hybrid. They weren’t rare back then, but his family could never afford them. P lease, I’m just trying to give him his last wish…” I begged, making the girl frown.

       “Fine…” She said, dropping the chain in my hand. “Don’t pay me back. It’s my dad’s money, he won’t mind if I just go buy another.” My stomach dropped.

       She went back inside, making me wince as I looked at the shaking Hybrid. I convinced him to walk with me. We had to walk all the way around the building before getting to my car.

      “She was a bitch…” I mumbled, but Hoseok heard me. He winced at the statement, looking at me, but not saying a word.

       Once we were in, I quickly drove away. It was silent for a long time, but I wanted to wait until we were home to talk to him, try to get him to trust me. After about an hour’s drive, we made it to the outskirts of my town. I lived in the country with a lot of land and a fairly large house as I was not the only one living there. It was well past midnight, but I noticed the living room light on.

        I turned off the ignition, sighing and looking at Hoseok. He stared at his hands on his lap, holding back tears as he winced. He was still only in boxers, and it was freezing outside. I took off my jacket, wrapping it around his shoulders. He winced, not meeting my eyes as his lip quivered.

       “Hoseok, let me take off that collar…” I whispered, staring with gentle eyes. “I won’t force you… but I know that thing must be uncomfortable.”

His ears twitched, and he seemed to nod a bit. I slowly reached toward him, taking it off. Giant red marks went across his neck, making me wince for him. I sighed softly, throwing the collar and chain into the backseat.

           “I’m sorry, Hoseok. Listen, I’ll just say that my name is Y/N, and I’m a rehabilitator here. Just know you’re safe now… I’ll explain more in the morning, you deserve to rest…” I whispered, smiling softly.

           His eyes moved to look at me, and I could see tears building up. His jaw clenched, and he looked away, not saying anything. I sighed, getting out, expecting him to follow. I heard his car door shut softly, and soft footsteps following me. I went to the front door, quietly opening the door. Hoseok followed, and I saw the wonder in his eyes.

          “Y/N, welcome home,” A quiet voice sounded as I went into the living room. Yoongi was sat there, his pitch-black ears twitching at me. I walked over, kissing his lips in hello, causing the fox to tilt his head curiously.

          “Hi, Yoongi,” I said, dropping my keys. “The others asleep?” He nodded, eyes on the new hybrid.

          “What’s his name?” He said, staring at him.

          “Hoseok. He’s a fox hybrid,” I replied, running my head through my hair as I gave him a gentle smile.

          “Fox? That’s the rarest hybrid of all,” Yoongi said, keeping his voice low. Hoseok’s tail twitched anxiously, and we didn’t want to surprise him. “You’ve been following him for seven days?”

          “He was hard to find. Seems like the slavers had a hard time letting him go,” I said, looking down. “There were so many, I wanted to help them all…” I whispered, causing Yoongi to stand up and put an arm around my waist, kissing my head for a while, causing the fox to stare in curiosity.

          “I know, you have a kind heart,” He replied, smiling at me softly, his fangs sharp. “Do you want help?” I shook my head, kissing his lips one last time before walking to Hoseok.

          “Let’s get to bed, you look exhausted. I’ll show you your room,” I replied.

          We walked up the stairs as the fox looked around. When we entered the hall, there were five doors leading to four bedrooms and a bathroom. At the end of the hall was another staircase, one that led up to one more room and a bathroom, my room. I walked down the way, quietly opening the door to each. I found Namjoon and Seokjin cuddled up in bed, nodding and smiling. The fox peeked his head in, tilting it curiously, ears flopping to the side. The next room had Jimin in it, curled up over the covers, butt in the air, causing me to stifle a giggle. Again, the fox squinted, staring at the boy. I listened to Yoongi come up to stairs, nodding to the newcomer before kissing my lips and going into his room. The last room was meant for Hoseok, but when I opened the door, I saw a naked Taehyung and Jungkook cuddling on the bed, making the fox bug eyed. He sniffed the air slightly, making me wonder what he smelled. I shut the door softly, running my hand through my hair in annoyance.

        “That was your room but looks like it’s occupied. And I have to wash the sheets…” I saw the ghost of a smile, his lips tugged upward at the corners. I could feel his guard going down, and he seemed more relaxed. “Follow me upstairs,” I said, climbing the steps.

        We arrived in my room, which had a king size bed. There was a huge bay window on one side, with a balcony on the other. There were chairs facing a wall of bookshelves, and a television in front of the bed. There was another door that led into the grand bathroom. I sighed, walking over and fluffing the pillow, staring at it longingly.

       “I hope this will do. The boys aren’t allowed in here while I’m gone, so the sheets are clean. The bathroom is through that door,” I said, pointing. “Oh, silly me, would you like some pajamas?” I asked, kindly. He nodded, making me softly walk out of the room and back down the stairs.

        When I came back, I had some pajamas and an extra pair of clothing for the morning. I went up to him, handing him the pajamas and walking to set his set of clothes on the chair. When I turned around, he was already changed and in front of me, making me jump. He went wide eyed, taking a step back and looking sheepish as he slowly handed me my jacket.

        “You’re very fast, huh. It’s alright, you just gave me a fright. Thank you,” I said, smiling and taking my jacket, draping it over the chair. “I’m so glad they fit. We’ll go shopping for clothes tomorrow, so you can get some of your own. For now, go to sleep. Try to relax, you’re in a safe place.”

        We stood there, staring at each other for a few minutes, before I nodded and began to walk to the door to leave. I felt a hand go on my arm, making me stop and turn to look at Hoseok curiously. He bit his lip, quickly letting go and wincing at his own action.

       “What’s wrong?” I asked, concerned. He thought a moment, as if to find his words.

       “Nothing,” He whispered, voice hoarse. I stared at him for a couple minutes before nodding, walking to the door and holding it, looking back.

       “Goodnight, Hoseok,” I said, quietly shutting the door.

[delicatelyhopefulavenue-blog]

Take a Nose Dive Into Self-Help

8 Category self-assessment that will help you improve as an individual

12/05/18 

A great benefit to taking Psychology classes is that you tend to learn quite a bit about yourself. Not only that but you start to see others in a different way. You catch on to characteristics you may not have noticed before, or maybe you did notice but thought maybe it was just a quirk of that individual. For instance, speaking of learning about myself, this little self-assessment was conducted this year. First in September, and then again in December to see how I more or less improved in each category. It was taken from a book I utilized in my Strategies for Life Success class. There are 8 categories of self assessment and I think they’re extremely powerful ways to determine who you are as a person and what areas in your life need improvement.

So lets dive in.

The 8 categories are defined as follows according to what is Self-Improving and what is Self-Diminishing. If you find you relate more with what is Self-Diminishing behavior, try to determine why that is and determine ways of altering your mindset.

1. Accepting personal responsibility;

Self-Improving: seeing yourself as the primary cause of your outcomes and experiences

Self-Diminishing: playing the victim card, believing that what happens to you is determined primarily by external forces such as fate, luck, and powerful others

2. Discovering self-motivation

Self-Improving: finding purpose in your life by pursuing personally meaningful goals and dreams

Self-Diminishing: difficulty sustaining motivation, often feeling depressed, frustrated, and/or resentful about lack of direction in your life

3. Mastering self-management

Self-Improving: consistently planning and taking purposeful actions in pursuit of your dreams and goals

Self-Diminishing: seldom identifying specific actions needed to accomplish a desired outcome, and when you do, you tend to procrastinate

4. Employing interdependence

Self-Improving: building mutually supportive relationships that help you achieve your goals and dreams (while helping others do the same) In other words being equally as independent as you are dependent

Self-Diminishing: acting solitary, seldom requesting and even rejecting offers of assistance from those who could help

5. Gaining self-awareness

Self-Improving: consciously employing behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes that keep you on course

Self-Diminishing: making important choices unconsciously, being directed by self-sabotaging habits and outdated life scripts

6. Adopting lifelong learning

Self-Improving: finding valuable lessons and wisdom in nearly every experience you have

Self-Diminishing: resist to learning new ideas and skills, viewing learning as fearful or boring rather than beneficial

7. Developing emotional intelligence

Self-Improving: effectively managing your emotions and the emotions of others in support of your goals and dreams

Self-Diminishing: living at the mercy of strong emotions such as anger, sadness, anxiety, or a need for instant gratification

8. Believing in yourself

Self-Improving: seeing yourself as a capable, lovable, and unconditionally worthy human being

Self-Diminishing: doubting your competence and personal value, feeling inadequate to create your desired outcomes and experiences

In the book you go through a list of 64 statements and rate them 1–10 whether it is not true at all or very true. Even though you will not be able to asses actual scores within this blog post, I greatly believe that each of the categories and whether you relate more with one or the other is incredibly eye opening in itself. I have raised my score in every area since September except two, but I have improved the most in Accepting Personal Responsibility and Gaining Self-Awareness.

Accepting Personal Responsibility: I have improved by seeing myself as the primary cause of my outcomes and experiences.

Gaining Self-Awareness: I have improved my conscious beliefs behaviors and attitudes that keep me on course.

I have definitely accepted the reality throughout these past few months that the only person who truly can make me happy and can control how I react to everything good or bad is myself. I can make myself happier, I just have to try to discover what will do that. I can make myself healthier, I just need to find the will and make more of a conscious effort. Not that I didn’t know these things, but you can know something for a long time but finally make a connection with that knowledge much later. I’ve diminished my thinking that other people are the problem and have realized more that I just haven’t found the right people or that I don’t need other people to accomplish… well anything really. Obviously, I need a mechanic to fix my car, but those aren’t the kind of things I mean. Having to depending on other people to make you happy, keep you entertained, or make you feel like a better person will only end up disappointing you, and I often have felt disappointed or let down by people. I have realized that there is a lot of untapped potential within myself to be an even more successful happy thriving adult, and while other people, especially a significant other, aid a lot in your emotional well-being, it all begins with yourself. This ties in tremendously with why my Gaining Self-Awareness score increased as well.

I still could improve in other areas of the assessment, but my scores have lowered in Employing Interdependence and Developing Emotional Intelligence.

Employing Interdependence: I have become more solitary and seldom request or even reject offers of assistance from those who could help.

Developing Emotional Intelligence: I have been living more at the mercy of strong emotions such as anger, sadness, anxiety, or a need for instant gratification.

The past few months have been difficult because of personal matters. My dad is in his final stages of cancer and each day my mom and I wonder if it will be his last day. His death will be life altering and I struggle with the thought of what our lives will be like without him. I also have suffered through quite a few struggles in my relationship and broke up with my boyfriend, yet he still continues to come back into my life and I am stuck in between knowing things will get better in the future based changed circumstances and wondering if I would be able to wait that long. I signed up for what turned out to be one of the most frustrating classes I have ever taken as well because I took on more work than I should have based on me being placed into a group that does the bare minimum.

When it comes to interdependence, it makes sense that my score has lowered because I have felt myself pulling away from people. More than enough people have offered to be there if I want to talk but I don’t want to, and plenty of friends have asked to hangout or there have been opportunities to get together with new people but I don’t want to. I could get together with people in my other classes that have been friendly and initiated conversation, but I don’t want to. I just don’t have the emotional energy and I have always done well on my own. I have just as many introverted qualities as I do extroverted qualities which makes it easy for me to retreat and dismiss people. I am going through life and struggles that I feel people will not understand. People tend to offer help because they have good intentions, but when it comes down to it, people rarely help in way that will actually be beneficial, and it is a lot of work opening up to people about your problems. I have never truly felt that I could depend or rely on anybody but my Mom, and even that has failed me at times throughout my life.

Everything above ties into why my emotional intelligence has decreased. I have been battling anxiety and anger because of what is built up from my relationship, my struggles in my Monday night class, feeling like my family is crumbling, and struggling to not binge on a bunch of junk food every day. I find myself constantly multitasking to keep my mind off of things and trying to find that instant gratification comes into play quite a bit. Sometimes I find myself on my phone, laptop, and watching TV at the same time. I am consistently stimulated. Trying to find things I can buy online with 2 day shipping so I can have something new to perk me up for a while, constantly trying to find new and riveting things to watch so I have another medium to get lost in for a few days, scrolling endlessly on 3 different social media websites to find that funny meme or funny video to make me smile, and eating crap food on a regular basis because food is comforting and makes you feel good. The change in these little test scores are definitely eye opening. You always feel like it’s in your head, like you aren’t really being affected by people and life events, and it’s easy to live life oblivious to how your mind body and spirit truly are adjusting to things you’re going through. But the proof is right here in these self-assessment scores.

Now, what to do with all this information?

All the things I wrote about above have been important realizations that are necessary for improvement. Connecting with the information has made a big difference over simply knowing it; and a lot of my connections have been made throughout the course by being forced to write about it, actually organize the thoughts, and get them out on paper. I recently had my performance review at work, got amazing feedback, and a significant raise. Somehow that positively changed my outlook from what it has been the past couple months.

Wednesday evening every week is my down time. It is the one-week night I don’t have class or any obligations to do anything except what I wanted to do. It always goes through my head to make plans with someone, but like I mentioned above, I just don’t have the energy. Not that I physically don’t, but I mentally and emotionally don’t. I’m drained of human interaction. I can go whole days at work not interacting with a single individual and still feel this way. I have been pondering for quite some time the benefits of an emotional detox and always see posts about it online. Eliminating social media, simplifying your life, and finding constructive hobbies. Then, last night while going through another round of scrolling and binge watching, I came across a post that stated, “Find 3 hobbies: one to make you money, one to keep you in shape, and one to keep you creative.” I read that and formed another connection that made me realize I don’t have any hobbies, especially any that meet that criteria. I sat there and pondered, and the decision was made.

I went through Facebook, Instagram etc. and deactivated each and every one. I turned off the TV, put my shoes and bra back on and went to Schuler’s Books. What better place to discover than a bookstore? To start, my new focus was going to be a hobby that keeps me creative. I haven’t read a book for fun since middle school, I didn’t even know where to begin. Reading is incredibly beneficial to your mental health, but the struggle is finding one that will keep me interested, with a particular story that I would actually want to read about. But I would be stimulating myself instead of relying on screens to stimulate me, and at this point in my life, I really liked that idea.

A girl that worked there saw me after about 10 minutes and ended up giving me some amazing choices. She really dug into what she thought I would like, and it really opened my mind to the kinds of reads that are out there. After an hour I left the store with 3 new books that I had full confidence in and spent the rest of the night reading. The last book she recommended to me is one that is called “How to Not Always be Working.” It was written by her friend Marlee Grace who is from our city, and I have never felt more convinced that everyone needs to read a book before. I got through over half the book already and I am hooked on her words. It goes into even greater detail about technology dependence and emotional detoxing, and that work isn’t just what is involved in your job. It was like fate that I went there and was recommended this book. I went through my phone and stripped it to the bare essentials. Eliminated over half my apps and dwindled down my contacts. I am going to continue to check off my hobby list, focus less on technology, and focus more on myself. 

I have a lot going for me when it comes to work and that area has always been great, now it is time to enhance my mind body and spirit. Only then can I revive and enhance my relationships with other people.

[pagerunner-j]

Before I begin, the obligatory disclaimer: the following is a bit of a feelings dump, and it’s more personal than I meant to get, especially since I’d intended to avoid posting personal stuff here at all. When I say “please don’t reblog,” I mean “PLEASE LISTEN THIS TIME AND DON’T REBLOG.”

But there’s a lot I’m trying to process about last night’s story, the friction between narrative and game mechanics, and the emotional repercussions of this sort of scenario. It’s been a long build-up that all kind of came to a head for me last night. Ergo, this post.

To give proper context, though, I need to back up a bit to the first campaign and explain why Percy’s second death, brief as it may have been, was ultimately worse for me than the first.

—

2017 did not start well. One January day I got a call from my audibly ill father saying that both he and my mother were in the emergency room. She’d been admitted for congestive heart failure. He was diagnosed within the day with what turned out to be stage 4 colon cancer. He’d been avoiding appointments, ignoring symptoms, and putting off the inevitable, until the doctors went in only to find that the tumors had spread to the point that there was nothing they could do. I still have a clearer mental image than I’d like of my dad’s scars, along with bags and tubes hanging out because what was left of his system couldn’t do its job anymore. They stitched him back up as neatly as they could, but there was no fixing the real damage. It was done.

I didn’t have much room to breathe for quite a while. My life was pretty much consumed with trying to figure out how the hell to handle any of this. I did manage, for better or for worse, to keep carving out a little bit of time each week to watch Critical Role, because I needed something good to think about while everything else was falling apart.

Unfortunately for me, it took less than two weeks between the day all that began and the final battle with Raishan.

I was braced for possible bad outcomes, considering the severity of the fight, but what I wasn’t prepared for was for someone to get felled in a way that was basically mundane. Sure, it was a dragon that did it, so much of the situation was fantastical: an enormous mythical monster, and a swipe of larger-than-life claws. But what I had to deal with, because it was, of course, described in detail, was an evisceration. It was, to be blunt, my favorite character getting his guts ripped out. And because Pat had to go and up that ante, writer that he is, I found myself sitting numbly through a scene afterward of Kerrek beside Percy’s body, trying uselessly to put the ruined mess back together.

I still can’t think about that scene without feeling sick. I couldn’t even feel properly relieved when Percy got revived. I wanted to. Obviously I was glad that he was there for the rest of the campaign, because I wanted to see his story find a less abrupt end. I just didn’t feel any better about the idea that well, sure, he got a magic fix. It just kind of ended up spotlighting the futility of what I was staring down.

My dad died in May that year, on a Thursday night. I got home very late after hours of trying to deal with things, and found myself alone, overwhelmed and unsure what to do with myself. For lack of anything else better to do, I pulled up that night’s VOD. I couldn’t really focus on it; I kept drifting out and only sort of coming back to. I let the episode keep running for a while, though, at least wanting some friendly voices to listen to.

Then I realized what everyone was doing, and I looked at the timestamp, and I counted backwards. And I froze.

While the party was playacting at speaking with the dead, I was sitting in a hospice room listening to my father pleading with us to let him go.

I only got a few seconds further in before I stopped the video and turned away.

Despite the fact that I’ve watched almost everything Critical Role has ever done, I still have no idea how that episode ends.

—

After all this I went in for my own medical tests, since my own heretofore-handwaved-by-my-doctors health concerns suddenly seemed more pressing. It turns out, unsurprisingly, I inherited all the fun stuff. Fortunately, none of the growths were cancerous yet, because at least my unfortunate genetic legacy is something that, with proper screenings and care, it’s possible to stay ahead of. But I was told they’d need me to come in in another six months, and probably every year after that forever — or until something finally goes nuclear, whichever comes first.

Guess we’ll see.

My shorter term problems were enough to deal with on their own. The day after the test, I found out I was losing my health insurance. Two days later I found out I was losing my job. Everything since has basically been trying to patch things together from scraps. Sometimes things are sort of okay. Sometimes it’s a bottomless pit of uncertainty. Obviously, nothing in the wider world has exactly improved since, either. In sum total: fun times, especially considering I was already struggling with severe anxiety before all this began.

I wasn’t really sure how to emotionally process the ratcheting stakes in Critical Role at that point either. When you’re still watching the show because you need a breather from months of continual crisis, but your beloved characters are facing down things like, oh, a dread god and the very real possibility of everything going straight to hell, it’s…not exactly something you can turn to for relief, per se. I kept on going, because the bright spots were still so good, but I can’t exactly say I was enjoying myself for significant parts of the run, either. It was also where I started to feel a very real frustration with D&D and the inherent capriciousness that can creep in.

In short, I desperately, desperately did not want this battle to go wrong. I didn’t want to have to face a story that I’d become so invested in going completely south not because it necessarily made narrative sense, but because the dice (as they always have the opportunity to do) said “fuck you.” Yes, the feeling was probably more selfish on my part than anything else. But I still hope it’s understandable for emotional reasons, and it also got me thinking again about the entire logic of “that’s just how the game works,” and how far you can run with that before you finally trip and hurt yourself.

I’ve always had problems with a few common things in game design. One of them — usually less of a problem when we’re talking about high-level D&D, although it can still surprise you — is when things arbitrarily become harder in the game than they would be in real life. (Floor/jumping puzzles in video games where you can’t step diagonally For Reasons, I’m looking at you.) Another is any kind of gameplay mechanic that robs you of your turn or otherwise puts you out of play. Varying degrees of success or failure is one thing, but I could never understand what’s ever fun about being stopped from participating in the thing you’ve come to do. Still, one way or another, there are so many ways for that to happen. Failed dice rolls, getting stunned or disabled, outright death: there are so, so many ways.

And it’s one thing if that’s happening during the course of, say, an everyday board game, but it feels different if it starts changing the course of a full-blown story.

Part of this is the editor in me talking (who will have words with me about this post, I’m sure), because she has Opinions about it all. She always wants to keep the story on track, not go off on useless tangents, and not drop things without getting proper resolution. She’s big on structure and pacing, suspicious of too much chaos. She does not get along well with D&D. This isn’t to say that this forms the entirety of my opinion, mind; I can still appreciate the way the game works, and the fact that so many interesting and unexpected things can be born entirely because of the random element, improvisation, and decisions you have to make in the moment. But dropped threads, unfinished plots, interrupted ideas, the things that get lost, or the characters that do…those can end up haunting me.

Honestly, and this is probably always going to be a fundamental disconnect between me and any D&D game: I’ve discovered both through watching CR and playing the game a bit myself that I don’t really care about the game as much of anything except as a skeleton for storytelling. If it supports the narrative, if it gives structure, if it enables activities, if it provides opportunities for play, I’m all for it. If it yanks the rug out from under you just because, again, the dice decided to say “fuck you,” or the rules get weird, or there’s something else that just doesn’t mesh between player and scenario and/or DM, I have a harder time with it.

And it’s crushing when stories I care about collapse or turn sour because the game says so, and for reasons that feel almost cruelly arbitrary — particularly when I’m getting more than enough of that in real life.

So for CR, the ending of campaign 1 was an exercise in protracted anxiety. I was in a space where I needed something to work out, but even the entertainment I’d been turning to was becoming dangerously precarious. Wasn’t the best feeling.

In the end, luckily, it ended about as well as it could have: not without consequence, but without everything crashing down. I felt relieved, and satisfied, and glad we got a chance for resolution with the characters we’d been following for months. If anyone had to permadie, the character who was already bound to the goddess of death was not a shocker, and in many ways it’s the kindest choice; he got more resolution than any human being in the real world ever will. It barely even registered as a sad ending. I envied him, really.

I’ve watched far worse go down.

Meanwhlie, i was also thinking that even though it would be tough to say goodbye to these characters, it could also be a refreshing reset. We’d get new characters needing to find out who they are, what they want, what they’re good at, how to relate to each other, how to begin. Smaller stories, with not everything having to be about the END OF THE WORLD (again). Lower stakes. I was fine with the idea of lower stakes for a while, and less threat of impending death and pain.

Well. Like I said. It was an idea.

That brings me around to Molly, and to story decisions and gameplay decisions that both broke my heart seven ways from goddamn Sunday.

—

It took me a while to come at this part, because it took some time for the thought to crystallize that I wasn’t only reacting to the rolls of the dice in last night’s scenario. That was part of it, absolutely. Luck is a thing, strategies work or don’t, fate is capricious. I wish that several things had played out very differently, and I’m especially upset that the way things fell out, it stopped a story in its tracks that had barely even started. (I’ll come back to that.) So the start of the thought was still game vs. narrative, and it’s part of why I wrote that whole run-up you just read.

That said, the more I poked at it, the more I got upset that we were playing out a scenario like this at all.

I was thinking aloud about this in another post, but to preface it a bit better: There’s an entire meta level to three players being gone last night that everyone knew about. I understand the impulse to avoid metagaming, but it also creates some odd situations, like everyone trying (and failing, because — yep — the dice said “fuck you”) to investigate the area and find out why their friends were gone. So we had to start with a big, clunky process of the characters figuring out what the audience and the cast already knew: that Matt had written Jester, Fjord, and Yasha out by having them get kidnapped. The story is streamlined enough. The gameplay around it, not so much.

But here’s what I got hung up on once it all sunk in: why did this have to be the story in the first place?

I’m not thrilled with how a situation that arose in real life because of pretty much the prototypical joyous event (i.e. a new baby) and something that had been mundane on the show until now (Ashley being away) got turned into a brutal story about a triple kidnapping and trafficking, which promptly resulted in a death. And it says a lot about the underlying plot they’re dealing with, which is not something I’m sure I’m willing to ride with much further. I’ve been leery for a while – starting off with mutterings about an evil god only a few episodes in put me on edge from the start – and then there’s the political unrest and the religious conflicts and people disappearing…it’s all going somewhere really unpleasant really fast.

It’s also derailed a story I wanted, which hurts like hell.

We’d barely even gotten to know Molly. Molly had barely even gotten to know Molly. We got tantalizing hints, and plenty of suggestions that there was more to discover — probably an entire character arc’s worth of material. And then…this. My inner editor? Yeah, she’s screaming with frustration. In any traditionally structured narrative, this would not have happened, because even if a death was in the cards, ether it would have been timed differently so that you could get further down the road with him, or if the character was always meant to die early, any decent edit would have trimmed out most of the details that suggested at things that never got payoff. But it’s D&D, and so it’s the push-pull at work: game vs. story, plus a(n un)healthy dose of “unavoidable meta circumstances vs. the apparent need for A: drama and B: to barrel right ahead into a crisis even though there were other choices that could have been made in the light of said meta circumstances.” And…here we are.

Here we are, with a dead character who should not, let’s be honest, be dead, and a story left hanging, and far fewer obvious options for fixing it than we had at any such crisis point in the previous campaign, and lots of miserable, hurt people.

One of them being me.

—

There’s a reason this shit hurts. Personally speaking, it would hurt even if I didn’t have over a year’s worth of unfortunate circumstances making narrative swerves like this even harder to take. It hurts because the story and the characters are so engaging, because they’re worth the investment, and, yes, because when things go wrong, sometimes they’re for reasons that make me want to flip a goddamn table. And yes, maybe it’s silly to get worked up when they might — might — be able to do something about it. But we can’t count on it, and so yes. It hurts. It hurts to have a source of joy becoming something else, especially when there were so many other options. It hurts to watch favorite characters get hurt and killed, yet still be expected to write it all off as “that’s just how the game works!”, as if having emotions about it is a weakness and to be scorned.

Honestly, I found myself screaming “FUCK THE GAME” aloud last night (and probably upsetting the neighbors), which sums my feelings up succinctly enough that I should have started right there. :\

But…again, here we are, and here I am, struggling with feeling hurt and sad and exhausted with so many things veering toward pain again when I was hoping for something different, and writing big long word-vomits of posts about it.

Because D&D.

(Memo to Editor Brain: I’m tired, and I’m not going to give you another three hours to edit this post into something more manageable, so you will just have to cope. Not everything or everyone gets good endings anyway. Apparently.)

[iamqueenkk]

cancer diagnosis

Hello dear friends, It is me, the stranger from down under who doesn’t really tumblr at all.

Life has again smashed me with a two by four. I have been having a pretty awful time with my ptsd, depression and anxiety since the pandemic hit, lockdowns have not been my friend and while living in Australia means I’ve been pretty lucky not to have lost anyone to Covid it’s still been a pretty awful  time. Especially moving house again in November (7 times in 6 years now… wheeeeee). June I had another awful time when someone had a long conversation with me about s*icide - which is a major trigger of mine. I had a rough couple of weeks since it then seemed to keep coming up. Mid June I find out that the government hotline I called was wrong and I was (as someone on the disability pension) in fact eligible for the (incredibly slow and badly managed) vaccine rollout. By this point so was everyone over 40 so it was a bit of a fight to get an appointment. Got my appointment for June 29, drove an hour each way to get there, had an hour observation because I have a history of anaphylaxis and the doctor freaked out when they saw the hives on my face despite my telling her they had been there for a week. A week after my first dose of Pfizer I find a lump in my left breast. I call my doctor, she organises a mammogram and ultrasound ‘just in case’. She tells me it’s most likely a blocked milk duct or a cyst. 5 day wait on the mammogram and ultrasound due to lockdown staff shortages. Dr Google suggests that a small number of people with breasts are having a lump in their breast or lymph node after the Pfizer and it can cause false positives on a mammogram. I’m reassured it’s likely one of those three things. Even on the day (Thursday) before the ultrasound and mammogram when I find a lump in my armpit which is quite painful I’m still reassuring myself it’s probably nothing. After the mammogram and ultrasound the breast technician on site says I need a biopsy. I speak again to my doctor the next day (Saturday) over ‘telehealth’ and she has the results of the mammogram and ultrasound and says she wants me to go to a breast specialist. Monday morning (her day off) she calls me that she’s gotten me into a breast specialist that day - “can I drive 20 minutes to see the specialist in about an hour and a half?”

So it’s Monday 12th of July, and the specialist asks to examine my breast, looks at the mammogram and ultrasound and tells me “I know you’re only 34, but I have to tell you based on my experience and what I’m seeing here, it’s a 1% chance that it’s NOT cancer. I want you to have a contrast CT to ensure it hasn’t spread, a mammogram while the contrast is still in your system and a biopsy today, then I’ll see you on Friday to discuss the results”. I spend the week full of ‘magical thinking’ trying to think up ways it could not be cancer and how I’m always getting the one in a million side effects and how just once can’t it be the good one in a million for once, forget the lottery - just let it not be cancer. I call my dad to tell him and he tells me “I love you, I’m sorry this is happening. Please don’t worry but I’m in hospital and have just had a stroke”. I about passed out in shock. It was just too freaking much to bear. Thankfully it wasn’t a stroke, it was an inner ear thing and my dad is fine. Friday 16th of July comes around and unfortunately I’m not, the results are back and it’s triple negative inflammatory breast cancer. It looks like I’ve caught it as early as possible, but it’s stage 3 (since there is no stage 1 or 2 for this type of cancer). Breast specialist refers me to an oncologist who can see me Tuesday 20th. They go through everything with me and send me for tests and checks and a medicine that will hopefully prevent the chemo from going after my ovaries (not because I want to procreate but because I’d like to avoid going into menopause by 35). I started double dose chemotherapy on Tuesday 27th of July. I have my next cycle of chemotherapy on August 10th. 

Sydney has been in lockdown since June 25th due to an outbreak of Delta. We locked down too late and the case numbers just keep going up. At the start of the outbreak only 4% of our population was vaccinated. Lockdown is hard because I’ve been using social interactions to stave off the worst of my depression and all social stuff has been stopped. It has also meant I have to go to oncologist and chemo appointments alone, my food delivery has been cancelled once in the last two weeks and who knows if it’ll happen again, my dad has been told by the health department and police it is illegal for him to come to Sydney to be with me during this horrible time, I’m struggling to get support staff/carers that are both 1. Vaccinated 2. Not living in one of the ‘hotspot’ suburbs, gyms are shut yet I’m supposed to be doing workouts in order to have the best result for chemo and mental health services are all overloaded. I’m struggling because I’m still in shock, it doesn’t feel real and it’s all moving so damned fast. Also it’s surreal that this week I’m not really feeling any different to how I did in June, just exhausted and depressed. I’m also frightened because the stats in this cancer aren’t good and people keep trying to be helpful and tell me how strong I am and that “your strength will get you through” but I have to fight not to respond “I’m depressed and a mess, if my strength is what’s going to determine my survival, I’m screwed!”

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate how lucky I am to live in Australia. The case number today was in our state was 319, the highest one day case jump in our state since the pandemic started, while that’s bad for us - compared to other places we’ve been so so lucky. In addition Medicare means that apart from being $60 out of pocket for that first appointment with the breast specialist, $6-$12 for the ovary meds and the meds to up my white blood cell count, everything apart from the parking is covered. The chemo itself and the oncologist as well as the scans and blood test are all covered by Medicare. Over the next six months I can expect to spend a total of about $300 on prescriptions and parking. I get how lucky that makes me. It doesn’t change that I’m living below the poverty line which is always stressful and this diagnosis is a huge thing that I just don’t know how to comprehend. I’m speaking to family and friends and usually feeling like I have to be cheerful and ‘hold it together’ when internally I’m just this pit of sadness and fear. 

[solelyhephaestus]

I need you here 

a short story by Samantha Buluran

Trigger warning: this story contains suicide attempts and dark thoughts that the other readers may find disturbing.

“Gab, stop. You know, just being there is enough, just being there for me while I’m lifting myself up, is enough to keep me going, it is enough just knowing you are there but you chose not to and I’m done”. Samantha said as she ran away, leaving Gab behind with her tears streaming down her face. She doesn’t know what to feel anymore with all of the different pains she feels as the memories of them together keeps on flashing back.  

Samantha Jane Escabel just finished her degree in Bachelor of law and now preparing for her licensure exam. They knew Samantha for her strong mindset, cheerfulness and independent person that’s why she have so many friends and liked by many people. Her friends described her as a sweet, courageous and a one call away friend.  

Kringgg!! Kringg!! Kringg!! Samantha’s phone was ringing as she woke up with its loud ringtone. She checked the time and saw that it’s already 3:34 am in the morning. She answered her phone and heard a girl sobbing and immediately checked the caller ID and saw that it was her friend, Mica.  

“Hey, Mics. What happened? Are you okay? Why are you crying?” Samantha is fully awake and the worry in her face is evident because her friend Mica, attempted to suicide many times. “Sam,

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t want to feel anything. The pain is unbearable. I can’t do this anymore. I’m holding the gun of my uncle right now and they will be here any minute now.” her friend said while sobbing.

“Mics, calm down okay? Put the gun down and then breathe. Inhale… Exhale…okay?” she replied. “Sam, help me. Please.” Her friend said. “Okay, I will go there, just calm down and put the gun away and then pray, okay? I will go there right now.” Samantha replied as she hurriedly got her keys and go to the Garcia residence with her worried face. As soon as she entered the room of her friend, Samantha hugged Mica tightly and comforted her all night. The next day, mica calmed down and Samantha assured that she’s really fine before she came back home.  

While entering their house, she heard her mom shouting and there she saw that her parents were fighting. She hurriedly goes to her room and overheard that her father left as he closed the door with a loud bang saying he cannot take it anymore, leaving her mother sobbing. As soon as she heard a long silence, she went to her mother and asked what happened. “I think we should take a break and think properly before me and your dad talk again, or else it will be the end for our family.” Her mother said. Samantha comforted her mom despite feeling the pain and sadness about the possibilities that can happen to their family because her parents almost decided to separate and that made her feel anxious. She cried herself out and just felt the heaviness and sadness all night without even telling anything to her friends.  

The next day, Samantha and her friends decided to meet in a café. Samantha’s swollen eyes are very obvious and her friends started to ask what happen. “Ohmygosh Sam, what happened?” her friend Colin asked. “Oh nothing, it’s just that everything at home are in full chaos, nothing special, just a normal fam prob” she replied and assured that she’s okay.  Her friends didn’t ask more questions because they think that Samantha will reach out to them if she really needed someone and they believed that she would handle it.

The day went by fast and it’s already 6 pm, they don’t noticed that they have been talking for hours because of their different stories. While laughing to the joke of her friend, they heard the wind chimes in the café and unconsciously looked at the ones entering the café and saw Gabriel Servaez with his friends. Gabriel and Samantha met their eyes and smiled at each other. Her friends saw everything and looked at her with their left eyebrow up and a teasing smile on their lips. “OMG, we saw that, the eye to eye with a sweet smile, arghhh OMG, girl HAHAHAHAHA” Grace said while pinching Samantha’s arm. “Something smells fishy, hmmm” Claire added and her other friends continued to tease her.

Gabriel Servaez was her classmate in Senior High school, they used to hang out together and date but it eventually ends and everything just fell apart. When they met each other’s eyes, Samantha felt the tingling sensation, the skipped in her heart and the butterflies in her stomach. That’s when she found out that her feelings for Gab never changed despite being apart all these years.  

Samantha explained to her friends that nothing is going on between her and Gabriel and they just saw each other now after how many years. While explaining to them, a quick flashback of her memories with Gabriel crossed her mind.  

3 years ago, a boy suddenly approached Sam while eating in the canteen. “May I sit here with you?” the boy said. Sam smiled and said “Oh, yes. Sure.” They began to introduce themselves. “Hi. I’m Gabriel, your new classmate”. The boy said. “Yes, I saw you a while ago when you are introducing yourself and by the way, I’m Samantha” she replied. Samantha noticed that Gabriel is very quiet and really an introvert person. But even though Gabriel doesn’t talk that much, they comfortably began to know each other day by day and became close because of Samantha’s cheerful personality.

Until one day, Gab confessed his feelings to Sam. Luckily their feelings are mutual and started dating. But just like every relationship, they began to fight and mostly their fights is about Gabriel. Gabriel is an introvert person and he’s not comfortable in opening up to someone. He always bottled up his feelings and just kept everything to himself. He tends to overthink things that makes him anxious always. Because of these traits, Sam often asks him what is going on. She felt like what is her role in Gab’s life if he can’t even say the things he’s been going through despite being his girlfriend. She felt unwanted so she decided to leave because she can’t see any progress even how many months have passed and end their relationship.  

Samantha just came back to her senses when her friends decided to call it a day. When she got home, she can’t stop thinking about Gabriel and started to reminisce their memories together. While she’s in her deep thoughts, Gabriel’s name pop up on her notification bar. She’s very surprised and tried to slap her face two times just to be sure if what she’s seeing is true. She slowly opened the message. “Hey, how are you? It’s nice to see you again. I hope we can hang out soon”. Gabriel’s message to Sam. “I’m doing fine, how about you? Of course we can, let’s decide when.” She replied. Their conversation continued and started to talk to each other every day and hanged out more often.  

Few months from now, the licensure exams are coming up and Sam can’t avoid to put so much pressure on herself because of the high expectations of her parents and also the current situation of their family. These past few days, Sam can’t helped to feel the heaviness and sadness in her heart because of what was happening in her life, she always cried at night until she fell asleep. And this night was no exception, while scrolling through twitter with her tears streaming down her face, Samantha saw the tweets of her friend, Colin and it looked like she’s in real pain so she decided to message her just to check if she was okay. Samantha stopped herself from crying because she knew that Colin needed someone right now. She chose to comfort Colin and avoided the sadness she’s feeling just to be there for her friend.  

After 2 months, Samantha and Gabriel still hanged out and stayed in touch. Until one day, Gabriel said that he wanted Samantha back and his feelings for Sam never faded despite all those years and Sam didn’t think twice because she thought that the Gab right now is far from the Gab in the past and just confessed that she felt the same way and they both decided to come back together.

Gabriel started to open himself to Samantha. One day, Gab’s father has been diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer and Gab was so devastated. He experienced sudden breakdowns, anxiety and panic attacks every day. Sam is always there by his side and never got tired to comfort Gab. She cannot even comfort herself because Gab needed her right now as he experienced the most challenging part of his life. Because of the situation, Gab depended to Sam in everything that he do. He saw Sam as a strong person because of everything she’s been through, she can still manage to stand still on her feet and now he thinks that he is a weaker person because of how he behaved.

Gabriel’s father died and Samantha assured that she will be there for Gab until he’s fine.

Months have passed, the licensure exam of Samantha was just one week from now and all of the pressure she’s feeling was twice heavy than the past few weeks. She was studying in her room when she heard her parents shouting. Her parents were fighting again so she went down the stairs and asked her parents what’s going on. “Your dad and I decided to get divorce. I’m sorry, but we can’t go on like this. Please respect our decision. You already finished your college, so everything will be fine.” Her mother said. Samantha was shocked and can’t utter a single word but hear tears started to flow in her rosy cheeks. “No, mom. You didn’t even think of me, you just decided for your own good. So what if I already finished college, am I not your daughter? How could you decide for this family without even telling me about this.” Samantha replied to her mother and ran to her room. As soon as she entered her room, she called Gab to tell what’s going on and she cried herself out while Gab is listening.

A few weeks later, it’s the licensure exam day of Samantha. After the confrontation of Sam and her parents, she can’t focus on her studies because she’s thinking everything and got distracted that’s why she is not confident in taking the exam.  

After how many months, the result of the licensure exam will be announced this day but Samantha is crying because they just talked about the divorce of her parents. Despite understanding the reasons of her parents, she can’t help but to feel all the pain and sadness. While crying, Gabriel called Samantha to remind her girlfriend that the results of the licensure exam will be released today. Calming and convincing herself that everything will be okay, Samantha is waiting for the results. As she keeps on scrolling, she can’t find her surname and that’s when she knew, she failed the exam.  

Samantha was experiencing her most challenging time of her life. With her parents getting divorce and her, failing the licensure exam. She felt like her whole world suddenly collapsed and she didn’t know how to stand now or what and how to feel everything all at once. Everything is a mess. She needed her friends and her boyfriend but suddenly, she don’t reach Gabriel. His number was out of reach and all of his social media accounts has been deactivated. She don’t know where to find herself or where to begin helping herself because the only person she had right now is herself.  

Samantha cried her eyes out every day but now, she just felt numb. She wanted to cry but unfortunately, her tears no longer drop. Some days, she felt everything at once but some days, she felt nothing at all. Her friends was surprised when they heard about what she’s been through. They didn’t expect all of it because Sam always assured them that she is okay and everything was just fine. Gabriel was nowhere to be found. No texts, no calls, no communication at all.

Day by day, Samantha learned to accept things. She began to fix and face all of the failures she experienced. She learned to accept that she’s not strong as she think she is that she also needs someone. And that it’s okay not to feel stable and be strong all the time. Her friends also realized that despite being a strong person, Samantha also need someone to lean on.  

As she’s fixing herself, she finally decided to end things up between her and Gabriel. She messaged Gabriel to meet her in the usual café to talk about their relationship. Gabriel surprisingly came with his worried face. “Gab, let’s break up” Samantha said, as soon as she saw Gabriel. The surprise was very obvious in Gabriel’s face when he heard Samantha as if he’s not expecting it to happen. “No, Sam. Please, let’s talk. The reason why I left is because between the two of us, you are the strongest one. And how can I possibly encourage you that everything’s going to be okay knowing that I am the weaker person here.”  As soon as Samantha heard what just Gabriel said. She felt betrayed. She thought that he’s being unreasonable. “You know what, I did not expect you to lift me up when I’m down. I just expect you to be on my side while I’m trying to lift myself up.” Samantha replied. Gab tried to hold the hand of Samantha but she removed it instead. “Gab, stop. You know, just being there is enough, just being there for me while I’m lifting myself up, is enough to keep me going, it is enough just knowing you are there but you chose not to and I’m done”. Samantha said as she ran away leaving Gab behind with her tears streaming down her face.  

She don’t know what to feel anymore with all of the different pains she’s feeling as the memories of her and Gab keep on flashing back but she knew to herself that she will going to be fine and this chapter of her life will become a stepping stone for her to become a stronger person and to be able to finally fix herself. She realized that at some point we have to protect ourselves, at some point we have to stop ourselves for trusting the people who kept on disappointing us, at some point we have to stop giving all we have when we don’t get nothing in return and just choose ourselves first.  

[thejourneyofmatt]

Matt‘s Diary

Ok ok I will post some diaries from time to time.

Today something is going to happen that‘s why I‘m writing this.

Today I‘m going- we’ll I‘m actually on my way arbthe moment- to see my tattoo artist. I want to get a new small tattoo of three words that mean much to me.

My dad passed away on July 9th this year after his fight against cancer.

There‘s a bit of a back story of my dad and me.. he meant the world to me as child and left at night without saying goodbye when I was four years old. I watched out of the window every evening to see if his car is parking in front of our house but he wasn‘t there. I never heard anything of him before I was 14 years old. I grew up with the thought that he hates me and left because he couldn‘t stand me anymore. We got back in contact when I was 14. We were so glad to have each other back in our lifes. It was a blast. After I ousted myself as trans when I was 17/18 I asked him for a name and he said Kyle. I kinda regret that I didn‘t name myself Kyle right now. I liked that name too. He was a pastor in America and at some point he blocked me on Facebook (where we had contact) when I asked my grandma why he blocked me if I did something wrong, because the feeling that I was a burden to him started to grow again she told me that nobody can know that he has a trans son. Church wouldn‘t allow it and he could lost his home and workplace if someone finds out. That people in Texas/Kansas/South Carolina aren‘t ready for that. I could still have contact via mail with him. That was tough for me and hurt. This year, 2017, he got diagnosed with esophagus cancer in the last stage. My family told me that he would only have like 4 or maybe 5 years left... I wrote my dad a mail and asked him if he could unblock me. Nobody needed to know that I‘m his son. I would even change my name on Facebook to get him out of possible trouble. He told me that he can‘t and that Incould still write him mails as often as I like. We wrote on Skype from time to time as well. At some point I believe it was in March or April..only two months after the diagnoses they told him he has only a few days left. He had to go through so much treatment and surgeries and nothing helped. At one point the doctors discussed in front of him if they should let him bleed to death or starve to death. His wife changed the hospital where they tried to keep him alive and safe him. My dad was too weak to get on the computer. I couldn‘t write with him anymore. I told my grandma everyday that she should tell him that I love him so much and that I‘m very proud of him. I don‘t know if she told him because I never got a response from her and him..when he got weaker they told him again that he would die in the next maybe 7 days. That was in July. My colleagues in work and grandma would lend me the money to buy a flight to America that I could see him one last time and tell him how much I love him but my American family didn‘t cope. „That would be too much stress“ „don‘t do that“ „we‘re not going to tell you in which hospital he is“. On July 9th, my dad passed away in coma because of cancer and starvation. He couldn‘t eat because of the cancer in his throat. I never saw him again since the day before he left when I was four years old. After his death I still kept writing him everyday on skype. They didn‘t delete it and I write him everything I‘m thinking and that I miss and love him a lot.

They spread all his stories and updates on Facebook and used the hashtag fightlikeriley . He also told me that I should fightlikeriley.

That‘s what I want to get tattooed. „fightlikeriley“

I‘m almost there. I will keep you updated after I talked to my tattoo artist.

[celebritylive]

“I don’t think it’s curable. It’s treatable, but not curable.”

And with those dreadful words from their doctor just a few short weeks ago, country music singer/songwriter Coffey Anderson and his wife Criscilla’s life was once again put into an emotional tailspin that hasn’t stopped since Criscilla was first diagnosed with colon cancer last year.

But this time, they were told it’s stage 4.

And Coffey, the viral country crackup who has made a living not only on his sheer talent but his addictive way of looking at the bright side of life, broke down in tears.

“He never lets me see it,” Criscilla, 39, says quietly during a new interview with PEOPLE about her husband’s emotional reaction to her current cancer plight. “He just tries to keep smiling.”

And there had been plenty of smiles.

Before cancer became an everyday topic of conversation in their California home, the pair were just two kids with big dreams. Criscilla was a budding actress, choreographer and dancer, while Coffey was utilizing his music talents to lead worship at various churches. In fact, the two first met at one of those churches through mutual friends and began dating in 2008.

One year later, they were married.

But never could they predict what would happen to them nine years later.

“When you say that you will be there for each other through thick and thin and through sickness and health, you have to mean it,” Coffey, 40, says. “There are a lot of moments that you can never prepare for. I mean, I never thought I would be helping Criscilla brush her teeth or get to the bathroom in the middle of the night. But we are willing to do it for each other. Each of us are giving 100 percent.”

RELATED: Mom of Two Shares Her Breast Cancer Battle: ‘Getting That Mammogram Saved My Life’

Indeed, it was May of 2018 when Criscilla started getting signs that something was just not right when it came to her health. The mother of three would often find herself doubled over in pain, trying her best to endure the stomach pains that would hit her out of nowhere, and then eventually subside.

“As a mom, you always feel like you don’t have the time to deal with things like this,” reflects Criscilla. “But there came a point when I couldn’t ignore it anymore.”

That time came when Criscilla was in Louisville, Kentucky, for a dance event. The pain got so bad that she ended up in the emergency room, where they diagnosed her with colitis and sent her home with an antibiotic and strict instructions to follow-up with her doctor back home in California.

But the pain continued, and days later, Criscilla would end up in the emergency room again, this time going home with some cramping medicine to see her through.

“The whole time, I had been sharing my story on Instagram, and my girlfriend chimed in and told me that her dad was a GI doctor in Long Beach and that I should go see him,” says Criscilla, whose Instagram followers are quickly approaching the 40K range. “By that time, I was in excruciating pain. I mean, I had stopped going to the bathroom. It was bad.”

View this post on Instagram Here’s my day….And if u feel led, maybe reach out to my husband and check on him too. He’s trying to process this and still provide for us.

A post shared by Criscilla

Anderson (@criscilla) on Nov 1, 2019 at 9:42pm PDT

//www.instagram.com/embed.js

Indeed, it was bad, so bad that when doctors attempted to do an emergency colonoscopy, they couldn’t.

There was a tumor in the way.

Criscilla would spend close to two weeks in the hospital, spending one of the 11 days in surgery, where the doctor removed two feet of her colon from her body. While there, she also learned that she would be going home this time with a stage 3C colon cancer diagnosis.

And now, after a brief remission earlier this year, things have gotten worse.

“The cancer has spread throughout my para-aortic region and has begun growing up my back,” she says of her current Stage 4 metastatic colon cancer diagnosis. “My ultimate goal is to be in remission and have it not be chronic but be in a situation where it can be completely healed. The ideal, if that cannot happen, would be to keep it maintained and have it not spread any further for the rest of my life.”

Criscilla will now begin three months of chemotherapy at City of Hope National Medical Center in California and spend much more time with a holistic doctor in Houston, who is helping Criscilla make some vital changes to her diet and her overall mental state.

“I honestly feel like this man is going to change my life,” says Criscilla, who is also looking at the possibility of traveling overseas for further treatment.

One of the cruel coincidences of all of this is that Coffey lost his own mom to lung cancer just 10 days before his 11th birthday.

“Life is not fair, but God is always good,” Coffey says, stopping for a moment to collect his thoughts. “I hate the smell of hospitals. I was 10 years old when my mom was going through her treatments, and I can still remember that smell. But I can also remember how my dad took care of my mom, and how he was the one carrying her to the bathroom and washing her back. So now, I’m taking care of my wife.”

Despite the dire circumstances they find themselves in, Criscilla and Coffey cling to each other, and to their kids — 8-year-old Ethan, 6-year-old Emmarie and 2-year-old Everleigh.

“Oh, these kids,” says Coffey, who plans to release a new country album in the coming months. “They bring so much joy and love with them. They are the sweetest children.”

“When they lay their head down on my shoulder, I just feel so lucky to be their mom,” says Criscilla. “When we are all together, everything is okay again.”

from PEOPLE.com https://ift.tt/37m4kS3

[bonfiresburningbrightx]

Dear Internet Diary,

I’ve been quitting smoking since the end of September. For: 2 weeks, 8 Days, 4 Days. I’d buy a pack, smoke a few and then give it away or throw it out and continue on quitting til this last time which turned into an actual relapse. I smoked for almost an entire week. Still set on quitting, but my motivation was really wavering. Stupidly enough a big reason was that I tried my dad’s brand (Parliaments), and really liked them. Something about the half-hollowed out filter, different taste and white on white. The thought of starting quitting again after I just found my new brand made my devotion to quitting real shakey.

I’ve been so frustrated since I KNOW after all these attempts back-to-back I only need to make it 1 week before the withdrawals taper off. But I got so caught up in the cycle of it, I was feeling kinda hopeless. I don’t know what I was waiting for to start stopping again, but I just couldn’t find a way to break the routine and commit to making it 1 week another time.

Then this morning: So I dropped my husband off at the train station for work. Before leaving to go run some errands I decided to have a morning cigarette & coffee. I’m standing next to my car in the drop off lane. This older guy (in his 50s) parks behind me and gets out. He says, “Alright so check it out. You’re standing there ‘cause you don’t want the inside of your car to smell like cigarettes right?”

I’m thinking he’s annoyed and just wants me to move my body out of the way. So I say, “yeah, sorry.” And go to move. Then he says, “But imagine what they’re doing to *your* insides.”

Most people think I’m a lot younger than I am so I assume he thinks I’m 17-21 years old and just started smoking. So I give my default reaction to these comments, a polite: “I knowww /:”. But then he says, “I’m only telling you this because I have cancer. I got stage four cancer. You gotta stop now.”

So I’m like completely taken aback, I honestly forget to even say ‘I’m so sorry’ to his having cancer (and I feel really bad about that). I think I just looked shocked and immediately was like, “Wow. I’ve been quitting on and off this entire month. I just stopped trying a few days ago. I’m really going to take this as a sign.”

He was like “Do, for real. If I knew then what I know now. God bless you.”

I’m entirely open to believing in God, the universe, destiny.

But, I’m really only Catholic for the holidays at this point. So I’m not saying he was some kind of Devine intervention.

Even if it has no religious or supernatural undertows and he’s just a regular guy, he chose to say that to a stranger when he absolutely didn’t have to. I’d like to be able to have that act of kindness change someone’s fate since I’m sure that’s exactly what he was hoping to do.

At 26, I really don’t think much about cancer or any smoking related diseases since they come on so late in life. It’s never been, and honestly still isn’t, a factor for me when it comes to quitting. I just wanna keep my youthful looks, not waste money, have the stamina to breathe the best I should be able to and above all else: living with an addiction makes life SO much less enjoyable.

At 26, when I see teenagers smoking I want to tell them, “If I knew then what I know now.” I’d tell them once you start smoking know that you will become addicted. And once you’re addicted, you will never have complete control over your choice of what you feel like doing, you will never have freedom the way others do and you can never fully be at peace within yourself for longer than 6 hours at a time.

At 26, all I can tell smokers younger than me is If I knew then what I knew now, I would have stopped before:

•I wasted so many hours of my life standing outside when I’d rather be inside

• I spent all that money on something I couldn’t even keep

• I missed out on learning how to process negative emotions in a healthy way

• I didn’t see the headlining band ‘cuz I was being kicked out of the house of blues for being too drunk (cause security never would’ve noticed if I hadn’t walked past them to have gone out for that cigarette!!!)

• I found out not only how horrible addiction is but that the physiological process of quitting feels even worse

At 50, this guy can tell smokers younger than him if he knew then what he knows now he would’ve stopped before he had to accept he’s going to die soon when he wasn’t supposed to.

At 50, I’d really like to be able to not still be looking at young smokers thinking “if I knew then what I know now.”

So thanks to either my guardian angel or just a Good Samaritan, today I am back to quitting.

[writingtopasstime]

Saint & Sinner (Chapter 1)

Request: reblogfics Jax and Reader Fic inspired by the song Devil’s Backbone by The Civil Wars

Song Inspiration (This Chapter): Enchanted by Taylor Swift

Trigger Warning: Awkwardness, Fluff, First Meeting, Cancer (Mentioned)

Word Count:  1,662ish

Note: Sorry this is so late my vacation didn’t turn out how I wanted it…. I got terribly sick.  Also my first ever Jax Teller Fic so bare with me.

Y/n grew up in a very strict household. Her parents were very religious spending every Sunday morning inside the Lord’s house. Now grown up Y/n has strayed from her parent’s path. While she still had her faith she wasn’t someone who went to Church often. She would go for major events (Easter and Christmas) but she also went every New Years Day. She would pray for her family’s health and happiness for the new year. She would also make her goals for herself. Each year the big goal is to renew her faith but each year she grew more apart from her religion. This year was the beginning of the end. The world was about to shift dramatically.

Y/n walked into the small bakery she used to work at. She started working there when she was 16. The owners were family friends and church goers. She left for years to get a PhD in Business. Her goal was to travel around and help businesses revamp themselves. And that’s exactly what she did until her dad got sick. Stage 4 Lung Cancer. There was no way for her parents to pay for the treatment and chemo by themselves and even though they didn’t ask for her help she decided to drop everything and move back. At least for the meantime. She had saved a lot of money since being out of school but that wasn’t enough she needed another job.

“Y/N!” Mary called. The older woman ran out from behind the counter. Her black hair had been almost completely replaced by gray now. Y/n embraced her. She felt a little awkward considering the height difference. Mary had always been small in stature but with heels, Y/n almost towered over her. “We heard you were back in town. So sorry to hear about the circumstances though.” She pulled back. Y/n strained a smile. It was hard holding back her feelings lately.

“Thank you. Is James here?” Mary smiled revealing the many crinkles that grew by her eyes.

“He’s in the back come on.” Y/n took in the bakery as they walked towards the kitchen. Surprisingly not much had changed in the eight years she was gone. There were more chips in the sky blue paint and the chairs looked more worn down but it was exactly how she remembered it. Y/n’s mind started spinning with ideas of all the things she could fix. She shook her head. That’s not why you’re here, the thought to herself. She looked up to see James. He had changed too. His hair was white making his blue eyes stand out even more.

“Honey look who I ran into!” He didn’t look up from the cupcakes he was frosting. Mary shook her head her smile fading away. Y/n giggled. Typical James. He was always lost in his work.

“Aren’t you going to greet your favorite former employee?” She asked. At the sound of her voice, he dropped the piping bag his eyes wide.

“Well look at you!” He came around pulling Y/n into a giant hug. The front of his apron transferring some blue frosting onto the front of her dress but she didn’t care. She squeezed back as hard as she could. She truly missed seeing both Mary and James. They were like her second set of parents. “I can’t believe how old you are now!”

“I can say the same thing about you,” she joked back.

“Watch it now. You just got back.” Y/n laughed. After a minute of silence, she took a deep breath.

“There’s actually something I wanted to ask you two about.” She already knew their answer but that didn’t make it any easier. She hated asking for favors.

“Of course sweetie what is it?” Mary placed a hand on her arm.

“I need my old job back.” Mary and James were silent. They glanced at each other with worried glances. James scratched the back on his neck. A habit he did when he was about to deliver bad news.

“Um well- We’d absolutely love for you to come back but we actually-” Mary froze her voice caught in her throat.

“We’re thinking about selling the bakery.” Y/n’s eyes widened.

“What? Why? This has always been your dream!”

“We just can’t afford it anymore. Customers just aren’t coming in like they used to.” Y/n’s heart dropped. This place was her life. Her parents brought her here when she was little and then she worked here throughout high school she couldn’t see it closing or changing ownership. Y/n bit her lip. She had to do something even if it meant picking up more jobs.

“Okay, I have another request then. Let me help you save this business.”

“Oh no Y/n you are already taking care of your dad we couldn’t ask you to help us too. We’ll be alright.” Mary insisted.

“No, I can’t watch this place go. I went to school to do this exact thing, please. It would help my mind escape everything going on at home. Please.” Y/n looked at the pair in front of her. She put on her best puppy dog look that she knew everyone had a hard time resisting.

“Okay fine but we’re gonna pay you and you can’t refuse because we won’t hire you otherwise,” James said sternly. Y/n crossed her arms. “You drive one hard bargain but I’ll take it. Now let’s take a look at your books.”

It was well past midnight when Y/n was finally leaving. James and Mary had long since left. She insisted on staying to go through the records of the past few years. The truth was the business was barely keeping afloat. If she didn’t find a way to bring in costumers and soon the business was going to have to shut down. She decided to quit when she could no longer keep her eyes open. Mary and James had left her a spare key so she could lock up. She was doing just that but when she turned to leave she ran into a solid mass. “Shit! Sorry,” she exclaimed. She didn’t look up as she bent down to gather the paperwork.

“Don’t worry about it darling I wasn’t paying attention.” Hands helped her gather her work and when she followed the hands up the arm she was speechless. Blond hair and blue eyes. Man, he’s beautiful, she thought. A blush rose up her cheeks. She could only hope he didn’t notice.

“No really I didn’t look up and I should have. It’s- it’s really my fault.” The man smiled and god did it make him look even better.

“Are you new around here? I don’t think I’ve seen you around town.” He stood and Y/n followed. Even in her heels, she was at least five inches shorter.

“I actually just moved back here. It’s been like eight years but since my dad got sick I decided to move back and get my old job back to help out.” She was nervous and when that happened she would word vomit. It was embarrassing, to say the least. The heat on her cheeks intensified.

“I’m sorry to hear about your dad. I hope it’s not serious.” He pulled a cigarette and offered her one. She shook her head pulling her papers closer to her chest.

“Stage Four lung cancer.” Y/n replied eying the smoke he was about to light.

“Shit. Sorry.” He was about to put it away but Y/n stopped him.

“It’s fine. It was a bad mixture of lots of things. Just be careful.” For some reason that made the man laugh. And Y/n didn’t want to hear anything else besides that sound ever again. “What’s funny?”

“I’ve never been told to be careful about smoking. Lots of other reasons but never that.” He lit up and Y/n took the opportunity to let her eyes wander. She had to force her mouth not to drop when her eyes landed on the patches he wore. He was part of a motorcycle club. Of course living in Charming ensured that she knew a bit about the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club but her parents made sure she stayed as far away from them as they could in a small town. Suddenly she realized how alone she was and with a biker no less.

“Well- I um I have to go but you should check out the bakery sometime. It’s the best I’ve ever had.” She started to inch away almost tripping in the process. She was just about to make a break for it when he stopped her.

“I didn’t get your name though.”

“Y/n”

“Jax. I’ll definitely come by sometime. What time do you work?”

“I’m not sure yet. I haven’t really set it in stone yet.”

“Well, I guess that means I’ll have to keep coming back,” Jax smirked. Y/n knew she was playing with fire asking him to come back to see her but at least it will be in daylight with many witnesses around if he tried anything. And maybe she could convince to buy something. Even if it was just one customer, a cute one at that, it was a start.

“That’ll be great see you then,” Y/n turned on her heels and hurried off down the street. She walked around the block even though her car was parked just two stores down from the bakery but she didn’t want Jax to know her car. Or follow her. She didn’t know him or what he was capable of. When she circled back around Jax was gone but her heart was still pounding from the encounter. From her parent’s descriptions of the Sons she never expected one to look so handsome. And she definitely never expected one to make butterflies dance in her stomach. It hadn’t been a week since she was back and she was already taking on a business project and talking to bikers. Well, there goes my hope for settling back to normalcy.

[queerafterthought]

Everything is a lie. Everything. I don’t know what to belive anymore and I don’t trust anyone anymore. No matter what I do he’ll find a way to make it worse. He always goes for the gut where it’ll hurt. He knows I’ll think about it non stop it’ll eat away at me. He can say the worst things to me make me feel like I’m nothing but everyone sees me as an immature child and I’m always wrong. Just cause he said so. If i cant sit down with someone and have an “adult conversion” 10 mins after they just told me I was insane cause I had to go to a mental hospital for bpd and tell me I’m evil. Told me id never be anything never have any power threatened to put me on the street call the police on me. He said i have no friends. They were never mine they’re his. And he has the power to make them not like me. And now after i thought that things would be different this time it seems like its going to be the same. He controls the situation and i have no power and it wont take long until everyone thinks im in the wrong. And im not saying that i didnt do my fair share of bad things that culminated into where im at now but for the people i considered to be my closest friends here say that my actions are childish and immature when all I asked for is space and to stop being harassed and forced into conversation with someone who broke my heart and makes me feel worthless and tried to put me out on the street makes me feel like shit. Like I don’t matter. My feelings dont matter and they never will. And now I’m doubting everything positive that was said to me recently cause now I feel like they were all lies. But like he said they’re not my friends they never were. And I can’t help to think that if they never saw me again it wouldn’t change their lives at all. This isn’t what I wanted. I tried to fix it. I tried to forget all the things he said in the past tell my brain to forget that he didn’t mean it. But I couldn’t and over time I grew to resent him for how he made me feel. Get mad at me because I couldn’t get over that fact that he called me a horrible girlfriend and that if he saw me getting jumped he wouldn’t help me cause I didn’t believe that our friends jumped him because they clearly didnt. Im pretty sure if he had actually gotten jumped he wouldnt have went over to their house 4 days later and gotten drunk with them. And i mean like i said im not so dense to see that I did do some wrong things too. But I never actually tried to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad. I have to work on some anger issues I’m aware. Even though I feel like no one believes me I have been looking for another psychiatrist and therapist just want a specific one. And I feel like I should be comfortable with who I’m talking to and shouldn’t have to compromise on that. I know it’ll take some time to find what I’m looking for but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking. I want to get re medicated cause the meds I have now make me feel like shit. Like sometimes I feel like ima pass out other times I’m a zombie and anything in between. He brings up how they “used to work” and I remember the days he was talking about. I thought they worked too. But they didn’t stop the thoughts or the urges of what I wanted to do to myself they just made me numb I got so disconnected from everything and everyone that anyone who reached out to me I clung to them to stay sane. I know because of this I made some mistakes did some things I know I shouldn’t have done but I wasn’t trying to hurt him or be bad I just wanted to maintain one of the only friendships I had left back at home. But it doesn’t matter cause the friendship got lost all of them did. I don’t have friends back at home anymore not really. I have people that I disconnected from because my dissociative habits got the better of me and I spent most of my time back at home trying to remember what day it was and where the time went and what I was doing (which was nothing) trying so hard to cling to reality but end up cooped up in my room for weeks at a time only leaving it to go to work or the bathroom or eat. I’m not excusing my behavior but I could tell the meds were losing their placebo affect and we’re not meshing with my body. They told me this might happen but I was already bound to come back to memphis at this point and I thought that if I took what I needed when I was too deep in my emotions it would help a little but I was wrong if anything I think it made it worse cause they weren’t reacting well with my body and taking them irregularly can’t be any better. But I was still trying. Really hard. Trying to keep everything together keep my emotions in check because it got to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself or my emotions to him. If i wasn’t happy it made him mad. But it’s hard when everything in your brain is pushing you to feel your emotions so strong and even when I tried my hardest I would still be really mad and upset over the words he said to me and I couldn’t forget them. Those words cut so deep that it changed how I felt and so my actions became synonymous. I started to act colder because I was hurt and I felt like he didn’t deserve for me to be sweet or nice because he never understood how much he hurt me everytime. I can’t get over hearing those things be said to me by someone I loved and get over it in 10 mins when he’s ready talk and forget it ever happened and change nothing. I deserve to be able to talk about things when I’m ready and I shouldn’t be forced to or made to feel like a child because it’s not on his terms. Just because he said sorry. I remember when he told me that when I said I’m sorry it didn’t mean shit. And the part that fucks me up the most is that no one told me this in person. They talked about it behind my back but to my face they tell me I’m strong and I’m doing the right thing for me and I shouldn’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to and I deserve my space. Why am I immature? Is it because I took everthing in the house that was mine and put it in the back room so i could look after my things because i was afraid they’d be thrown out? That i sleep on the floor for the moment cause i dont want him to use the fact that i slept in his bed aginst me? Because he told me that they were his property and I can’t sleep in it. That I don’t feel comfortable enough to inhabit another room besides in the very back because he’s made points to tell me that this is “his house ” and give me ultimatums threating to kick me out because I wasn’t here to put my name on the lease so he has the power to (something he told me id never have) even though I pay to live here too but I’ve never truly felt like i was apart of this house no matter how much I tried to decorate and make it feel like our home but it never was mine the whole time I felt like I was paying him to live here not the landlord. Is it because when he told me to pack up my dollar tree shit and get out i took him seriously? Is it because i burned pictures of us and gifts because it was too hard to look at and be reminded of how far my relationship had fallen? By no means does this scenario alone make me want to kill myself but it adds the notion that I believe I am a burden that no one truly wishes to deal with which does make me want to end this sad life i live. He publicly tries to push my buttons make me seen crazy to people. Some people believe him. Through everything the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that everyone still talks to him. If someone treated my friends like this i wouldnt talk to them invite them places when i know they are mentally manipulating and abusing my friend. His feelings and inclusion means more than me and my feelings. He can harrass me in the streets at bars convince people to not talk to me but when he is screaming in my face to the point where he needs to be physically pulled away because I didn’t want to talk to him it’s still my fault. The cops said so too. Tried to get a restraining order and I can’t. Cause even the cops take his side. And my friends were there witnessed it and just pretend like nothing happened or do nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated my friends like that so cruelly. I don’t talk to people that my friends have issues with. The most superficial and petty reasons why they would be hurt if i even said hi. And i know they would never say it but i would hurt their feelings. So why cant i be hurt by the fact that no one stopped talking to him. When they see how he treats me. I do what i do for them out of respect and support but they can’t do the same when I’m clearly being harassed. she died i always said it should have been me. Everyone liked her better. She was better than me. Im just a knockoff. If she were still alive my niece and nephew would still be together and my nephew wouldnt be getting abused regularly with us not being able to do anything about it cause the court decided that his asshole sperm donor has more paternal rights than his family who raised him but this pimple on the asscrack of socieity who was never in his life can swoop in and literally snatch him out of school and move him away and we only get to see him 1 weekend out of the month. That 3 days out of the whole fucking month that he doesnt get beat. He has anxiety attacks. Hes 6. When he realizes he has to go back to his “dad” he starts hyperventilating and we have to try to calm him down so he can breathe. I can already tell hes gonna grow up with issues and it breaks my heart that he might grow up to be anything like me in that regard. Meanwhile my niece has had her only immediate family cruelly taken from her by snakes in people skin. Her father was never in her life either. I fear that soon mine won’t be either. My dad won’t tell me everything even though I tell him to tell me I know he holds some stuff back. I think the cancer is spreading and all I think about is how long left I have with him. My grandmother is in the stages of dementia. Soon she won’t remember me I’ll lose the last grandparent I have but not from death. When I was still in the relationship he would tell me I bring home burdens that weigh him down. But he says sorry so I shouldn’t believe the nasty things he says even though he’s said them more than once on different occasions. I just feel so lied to It wouldn’t matter. It doesnt matter. I don’t matter. Honestly I don’t think i ever did But I have to do this I have to stay strong for her. She left me 2 children to take care of. A part of her and I’ll be damned if I fuck it up. I can fuck up my life but not theirs

[humansremain-blog]

DISSEMINATION 8/18/17 Megan V. has given us the second offering of Human Remains content since my hiatus from writing weekly Disseminations began at the beginning of the summer. In this first contribution she explores the recent death of her mother this past Spring. As Death is our archetype, I thought that it was pertinent for the Member who’d most recently been in it’s presence to give some of their insight. When I decided that I’d be taking a hiatus I offered the open space from June through October when I will return to anyone within the collective that wished to contribute. The only person I had in mind at that time that I was certain I wanted to contribute was Megan, so it made me quite happy when she inevitably got ahold of me first to offer a writing about her mother. Having known Megan during the struggle of losing her mother and seeing how she dealt with it, (including the giant all day party her father and she threw at the family home in her honor that my wife and I attended to witness first hand), I knew that Megan had likely just come out of this ordeal with the perspective that only those who’ve had true communion with Death can understand. When speaking to her about writing this, although I offered a bit of insight to what I’d seen come out of her ordeal from the outside, I did not insist that she follow any guidelines; only to write and create and experience the catharsis that was waiting for her and to share it with us if she wanted to afterward. So now that I’m running the risk of overshadowing her piece with a much too lengthy introduction, I’ll recede back into the shadows once again and leave you to her words. Throdle Vieda! Sean David Stoltenburg
___________________________________________________________________

DEATH, RETOUCHED

 Death changes you, the way you perceive the world, and how you express yourself. How could it not leave an imprint on you…to lose someone who is so vital to who you are. Grief isn’t a phase you go through it’s something you learn to endure. Grief’s progression can’t be measured in a linear pattern, one day you feel better that you managed to make it a day without crying, and the very next day you’re on the floor sobbing completely lost.  My timeline will forever be divided into two periods, life with mom and life without her. 

My whole world was completely turned upside down in a matter of moments. As I look back I never before realized how oblivious I was to death. I was young when I lost my grandparents, but for whatever reason I forgot the sting of watching a love one decline in their health. I was too young, I never fully understood death. As an adult and a professional in the medical field it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. To watch my healthy active mom deteriorate right before my eyes, and to know exactly what each new symptom represents. It seems so extremely cruel to watch this downward spiral, ignorance is bliss but knowledge was terrifying in this case.
To give you real perspective I have to give you insight into my life, and my relationship with my mom. My dad served in the U.S. Army Special Forces, so he was often gone on secret missions.  So when my dad was gone my mom was my one consistent lifeline. We were stationed far from family, so when he was gone it was just my mom, big brother, and I. She was the person I would go to for everything; I needed her advice and support.  I had many obstacles to overcome in my life, from a learning disability, to physical abuse and sexual assault from an ex-boyfriend, to major health issues. She was always by my side through the hardest times, she was my rock. When my health issues started she was always there for every admission, procedure, and infusion. She was my strength during the roughest flare up, and when I woke up in pain before even getting out of bed she was the reason I got up and carried on.  I can truly say she played such a vital role in who I am, and what I stand for. She was my world and my safe haven from this life. 

I was at my chemo infusion in the beginning of January of this year, while my mom was being admitted to Geisinger Medical Center. She was complaining of shortness of breath, and abdominal pain. During the medical work up a CAT scan was done, it showed multiple lung clots and two masses in her abdomen.  They told my parents in the ER that it looks like stage 4 cancer, but they didn’t want to tell me until my infusion was done. The minute the infusion was done I tracked down my parents, and she got assigned to an SCU bed. The doctor came in shortly afterwards, and he was a doctor I’ve worked with on my own floor. He seemed very gentle when greeting me, and then he turned to my parents and asked if I knew yet. My heart felt like it was going to explode, I knew in the pit of my stomach it was cancer based on the test results. 

 When he said the words I was completely shell shocked, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t breathe, and everything was out of focus. My world was completely dismantled in an instant, but I knew I needed to be strong for her. She was going to be discharged to go home with a hospital bed and home health assistance, and she need to take two weeks to recover from the pulmonary clots before meeting up with the oncology team. At that two week follow up appointment we would discuss realistically if she was healthy enough to attempt chemo and would it even be worth it. 

As the appointment approached it became apparent that she was too unhealthy to attempt chemo. I will always remember the heaviness going into the doctor’s office; I already knew the bleak outcome from my medical experience but to finally have it confirmed by her oncologist. He told us she had 1-6 months without chemo and maybe 7-10 months with the chemo. Hearing these words destroyed me, I just went numb, and all I could do was stare at a fixed point on the wall so I wouldn’t completely meltdown. I was managing up until she turned towards me and attempted to smile. I instantly broke down into a sob and my brother and dad hated seeing my pain and in reaction they broke down too. She turned to her doctor and said “I’m not worried about me; I’m worried about how devastated they’ll be.” 

We decided as a family that to proceed with chemo would be a waste of valuable time. We went ahead and set up hospice at my parents’ house. We set the hospital bed up in her library, surrounded by the books she loved, family photos and all her plants and flowers. I needed to be there as much as I possibly could be; I was able to get FMLA to help take care of her. I was angry and terrified that this was happen to her, it didn’t seem fair. One of my own battles was setting aside that anger so I could be present with her. We had many long discussions leading up to her death, and I treasure everyone. She sat me down and told me what it was like when she lost her own mom, and how she felt afterwards. We talked about her favorite part of living, and what she’ll miss the most.  She made me promise her that I wouldn’t give up on my dream of having a child just because she couldn’t be by my side for the journey. I often just crawled up into her hospital bed and snuggled her as long as she could handle it. 

I got to witness her come to terms with her life ending, and how she was preparing herself for the transition. Her strength was unbelievable, and to watch her come terms in such a peaceful matter was truly amazing to watch. We did have some difficult talks about the reality of situation, and that she was progressing faster than we imagined. I remember telling her that the miracle I was praying for was that she passed away in her sleep, and that she was actively dying but I promised her I would stay by her side. At the end it was heart breaking to see her in so much pain, refusing to eat or drink, to watch her get confused and scared, and break down into tears. Those last few days left a scarring impression, and I find myself replaying my last moments with her. I remember her last day which happens to be my dad’s birthday. I was holding her hand and she was in and out of consciousness, but I just kept telling her to let go. She died in the middle of that night, she was a strong willed woman, and I truly believe she waited until his birthday had passed before letting go.

 The minute the reality of death hits you the world around you seems to change. I instantly didn’t care about the stupid mundane things that had tripped me up before, in comparison none of that mattered. Death had this weird affect that, until I lost someone so vital to me I felt like I had nothing to lose, and that I was finally open to living in the present moment. I’ve noticed that we seem to put things off thinking we have time and that death isn’t near. The truth is you can die at any moment, and why would you delay anything when your time is so valuable. Why would you wait for a death sentence to start living? 

 Put down the phone, stop living through social media and actually experience something. Don’t let the 10 minutes of crap you dealt with in the day ruining your whole impression of the day. When time is so valuable don’t let something so minor have such an effect on you. I’m trying to live my life to the fullest for her, to honor her battle. To experience everything this world has to offer and to live to the fullest and by doing so I’m honoring her memory and she’s living within me. I just ask that you stand for something, make your presence in this world known, and live your life with a purpose. -Megan V.