#(her extremely abusive gf for 12 years later)

[bongsavior]

f

[meepface]

these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!! 

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all 

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?

[thiccandmentallysicc]

Get to know me:

Tagged by talented/total babe @offansandflames ♡

Rules: answer 92 83 statements (i skipped some boring ones srry), tag whomever you please.

THE LAST. 1. Drink: pabst blue ribbon, yes im white trash 2. Phone call: mom 3. Text message: my bestfriend 4. Song you listened to: keaton henson, to your health 5. Time you cried: erm a lil yesterday but like deep convo tears

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice?: a relit ciggarette never tastes the same 7. Kissed someone and regretted it?: Not enough to recall at the moment. 8. Been cheated on?: I haven’t taken many partners, so to my knowledge, no? 9. Lost someone special?: Yes 10: Been depressed: :,) 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: my life from 15-19 tbh, not in the party, neurotypical fashion more along the Wtf Pls exPlain type way or for shits n giggles

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14. Baby pink and blue, black.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends?:Yes if online counts? Very beautiful and enchanting spirits who i already love 16. Fallen out of love?: never do if its real, cuz im a romantic//also think u always care a little for those you really loved 17. Laughed until you cried?: yesterday actually like rllllly good because my girl dropped her entire jug of wine right before opening it. The universe flicked us off dirty. 18. Found out someone was talking about you?: Yeah, some good, some bad, some wild. Idk. 19. Met someone who changed you?: Yes some beautifully, made me fonder, some not so lovely but thats ok (try to make it ok) 20. Found out who your friends are?: I have fucking one bestfriend who i hold to that certain standard shes my lover/ soul mate and weve been through a fucking ride n shes still my number one. If others let me down i find ways to make it bittersweet. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list?: yus GENERAL 22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life?: Idk some r family and people from all the schools i went to. I dont care for facebook much. 23. Do you have any pets?: one black, perfect cat with lil rays of auburn going down her back, i named her clementine. Also 4 dumb n rlly cute dogs live with me. I like one a lot, Luna, shes my princess. (Yes i admit favorites idgaf/ she also knows she’s my fav n takes advantage) 24. Do you want to change your name?: mydad originally wanted to name me Xena (after xena princess warrior) whom i developed an intense crush on later. 25. What did you do for you last birthday?: yo lol i dont know i turned 22 i just had drinks and smoked with my bestfriend 26. What time did you wake up?: didnt check, i usually wake up multiple times n go back to sleep If i can 27. What were you doing midnight last night?: either in my gfs car or just getting home 28. Name something you can’t wait for?: my classes to start again, mini roadtrip to Gainesville and maybe being able to see my little cousin soon. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom?: lik e 2 seconds ago. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life?: sjdufjekwns 31. What are you listening to right now?: Keaton Henson 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: lol nah not that i remember 33. Something that’s getting on your nerves?: the state of the Union, how 2 get my smol dogs to stop barking, why do ppl have to live w abusers and when will my witch powers allow me to cast them off into The Void, my general discomfort n lack of motivation. To casually name a few ,, 34. Most visited website?: ao3, Tumblr RANDOM SHIT: 35. Mole/s?: lol?? Moles can b cute, i have a few. 36. Mark/s?: plenty, one in particular tho i have on my upper forehead not like harry potter sttle unfortunately, its all hidden near my scalp 37. Childhood dream?: i always wanted to do something that would let me swim with humpback whales in natural habitat ofcourse or track the lives n rituals of wolves and then i was like mayb ill just be aschool counsler, all of which i still kinda wana do. 38. Hair color?: blonde 39. Long or Short hair?: i have medium length hair but i like both 40. Do you have a crush on someone?: I literally always have a crush on someone, idk crushes to me means you make me happy and blushy and if you make me laugh, i crush. 41. What do you like about yourself?: i could say i like how i am when im with someone i love. N that some ppl are able to confide in me, id say my empathy but idk i can be a fuckface too. 42. Piercings?: tongue I got snakebites, industrial, bellybutton, reg ol ear piercings too. 43. Bloodtype?: i dont know o.O 44. Nickname?: cookie monster when i was younger, lali, lion, coocoomanga(my dad) renren, rin, my mom says lil shit endearingly and i got the habit. 45. Relationship status?: basically married 46. Zodiac sign?: Aries 47. Pronouns?: She/they 48. Favorite t.v show?: i binge and am not ashamed, supernatural, classic spongebob, south park, parks n rec, modern fam, a haunting, me and my mom watch ancient aliens 2gether , Steven Universe, Adventure Time, the fucking x files, malcolminthemiddle, etc, my animes as well are all shoved in here in my heart. Naruto/free/haikyuu/oourans host club/ HxH etc 49. Tattos: 5 and one on the way, matching one with my love 50. Right or left hand: Righty most def 51. Surgery?: luckily no 52. Hair dyed in different colors?: I maintain the blonde i had at like six, its naturally dirty brownish? At one point i dyed it platinum tho 53. Sport?: In my anime MORE GENERAL 54. I’m about to?: Finish some arts and crafts for some letters im making (: and then a smol walk 55. Waiting for?: some inspo, 56. Get married?: its not very important to me. But if my partner became passionate about it i would be rite there w em 57. Career?: I’m majoring in psychology/minor in education WHICH IS BETTER? 58. Hugs or kisses?: depends on who but I’m a sap for both 59. Lips or eyes?: Eyes, give me them soulful orbs 60. Shorter or taller?: no preference 61. Older or younger?: You can be a shithead at any age, so no preference. 62. Nice arms or nice stomach?: eh,, not sure to be honest. I love hands and forearms, so i suppose arms? 63. Sensitive or loud?: u gotta be both at least every now and then. Either extreme will be bothersome though 64. Hook up or relationship?: eh past experiences make hook ups generally uncomfortable n left me feeling ace/aceromantic for a good portion of my teen yrs but im not impartial 65. Troublemaker or hesitant: ive calmed down but im not hesitant unless my gut says so HAVE YOU EVER? 66. Kissed a stranger?: yes 67. Drank hard liquor?: yes 68. Lost glasses/contacts?: glasses, yes. 69. Turned someone down?: as a chick in miami ¿¿¿ of fucking course 70. Sex on the first date?: lol yes 71. Broken someone’s heart?: seems dramatic i dont feel like i have sincerely done that, just hurt them. 72. Had your heart broken?: In a way mostly by close friends / family 73. Been arrested?: when i was 15 for dumb shit like trespassing 74. Cried when someone died?: yes 75. Fallen for a friend?: i crush on all my friends because i love alot DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 76. Yourself?: Yes because Rock Lee would want me to 77. Miracles?: i think miracles are a byproduct of a fucking amazing universe. 78. Love at first sight?: i think of it as a magnetic pull n interest not love 79. Santa Clause?: i fucking love christmas, idgaf 80. Kiss on the first date?: yup OTHER 81. Current bestfriend?: @mariekankerr 7 years n countin babe 82. Eyecolor?: blue 83. Favorite Movie?: Lilo and Stitch, Pulp Fiction, The Iron Giant, A Fish Called Wanda, Murder By Death, Knights of the Round Table, mel brooks in general, The Changeling (bt like the oroginal one not w Angelina jolie it came out in like the 90s?) Spirited Away, Clue, Hot Chicks, A Bronx Tale I tag: @shamelesssasukestan @hotmessmuffin @narutoandsasukearecanon and i suck at this so just go for it and tag me so i can lurk on u

[swampgallows]

i have 45 minutes until my alarm goes off but here i am awake for no reason anyway

i woke up thinking about how, out of all my boyfriends, it seems like my high school boyfriend was the only one who would tell me ‘sweet nothings’ as it were, tell me i was cute or something unprovoked. my gf and i did it almost constantly, always turning sentences into how much we loved each other, much like me and my high school bf did. even now, he is affectionate in that same way.

i started thinking about college since a friend of mine recently graduated from his, and how he said he learned zero. i feel like i did too. i tried to think of specific things that i did learn in college, things that werent just artistic practice, and one of them was indesign. i barely learned to use it, but its still a program i hadnt even heard of before my graphic design course. 

fuck. i wanted to take that bookmaking class. people actually got their books printed. and those accordion books too. there is so much in college that was available that i never got to do, that wasnt available to me. i wanted to take that underworld course. anyway.

i thought about that shitty graphic design course i took, how uncomfortable the instructor made me, and i thought about our final project. those years of college were the first times i started... “switching off”. or as my job put it, turning “inward” and being “not communicative”. our final project was supposed to be this big professional to-do “like a job interview” she said, like we were supposed to dress in business attire and all this shit to present our final project. and my computer was failing at the time so i couldnt do a lot of my work, i couldnt get to the computer labs when they were open (and i had anxiety about using the animation computers in a way i cant really explain) so i ended up having to make a lot of it in mspaint instead of illustrator. i fucked around a lot in that class. there was a time where i got on vent and was laughing and the instructor pulled something like “well you cant laugh like that and not share with the class” and i made up some shit about how i was laughing about godwin’s law on wikipedia. 

whatever. but during the final project i cant even remember what i wore, i just knew i didnt have any nice clothing with me and it was too difficult for me to go out shopping for some and even more difficult to go home and get what i had. so during my “interview”/presentation in front of the class i was just... practically nonverbal, could barely speak above a mumble, literally said tihngs like “i dont care” or whatever. i dont even remember what i was presenting. and i think i got a D in that class. i dont remember. i was just happy to get it over with, and i knew i wasnt taking any more graphic design courses. i was with my abusive ex at the time and was tired as shit always, i think i had been taking 5 courses at once, and i was disheartened about not getting into the bfa and had to take the graphic design course to pave my way to the regular ba. or somethign like that. i wasnt planning on taking it but had to. and the instructor told fucked up stories about how she fell off a roof—”well, i walked off” she corrected herself—and had brain damage so she had to learn to write and read and walk again. it made me severely uncomfortable and i thought it was totally inappropriate for a classroom environment. i was so put off by how buddy-buddy she seemed to try to be with me and she would invade my personal bubble a lot when talking to me. but i wasnt in the best shape to begin with. she seemed to really like me at first because i was funny blah blah all that usual garbage. but that final project is one of the first distinct times i remember going nonverbal and “turning off”. and i couldnt turn back “on” even if i tried. though i didnt care to try. when i feel like that i just want to get away from everything and go to bed. it’s too hard to keep up a facade.

i spent much of my college ‘career’ extremely unhappy and stressed out about things that werent schoolwork. schoolwork i can do, it’s exclusively the only guaranteed thing i’d been able to do for 12+ years of my life consistently. but i think the trauma was catching up to me and pulling me into the undertow without me realizing, drowning me, and the people i thought were saving me just dragged me under more. my gf, “tarzan”, my later abusive bf, the guy who raped me in my dorm room, my shitty invasive roommates who called me a slut for it (thought my screaming was me broadcasting how hard i was being fucked “like a slut”), my pseudo-boyfriend who i guess i was dating but i have zero memory of basically that entire year... that guy had a good heart, i think, but i was so fucked up in the head about everything, and about sex, and about college expectations or something that i couldnt be on his level. even 7 years later he found me in wow and was asking me all these questions about whether or not i got help or if im doing any better, felt a need to check in on me, said “you were so miserable” and “you were always suffering”. it didnt even feel like that at the time. i dont even know whether or not i knew i was suffering. if i felt sad. or if i felt anything. i dont remember. my livejournal entries from those years are sparse.

i dont know why i do that thing. that thing where i “turn off”. i dont really know for sure when it started or if i did it before i got to college..............

there was a time when i was.... i had to be in elementary school. there was a time at stephanie’s house—she was my best friend in first grade, before i went to another school—i think i ended up seeing her later? i dont think i was in only first grade, i feel like it was later in life, that i was maybe in 5th grade or something, and she asked me if i was sad or something, i dont remember exactly, and i had told her no. then, i remember, she asked “then why are you acting so glum?” and i have no idea what my answer to her was.

i want to sleep more but i have to get up soon. today will be fairly inconsequential in terms of work. i dont know if im going to “turn off” or not today, but it shouldnt matter much if i do because times running out anyway. im scheduled to be in the kids shop all day, which basically means im going to read wolfheart for 6 hours. i hope its good. im not a fan of knaak’s writing.

[alixzin]

Right you're going to regret unleashing my prompting because I have 31 OF THEM (I'm really very sorry) a whole bunch are cliched but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ , as you said. Please tell me to fuck off 1. Meeting the cast, take 2. Does he meet them individually or all together? 2. Alex is being bullied at school. Does he fight back or not? Does he tell Lin and V or try to hide it? 3. Alex struggles to make friends because of his attachment issues. 4. Alex does make friends but worries about telling them who his foster family are. (alternatively he tries to hide the fact that he’s a foster kid at all) 5. Maybe it takes a while for them to find the right therapist? 6. Alex actually IS embarrassed by Lin. 7. Alex struggles to gain weight. 8. Legal drama arises with a past foster parent. Maybe they’re brought up on charges for the sexual abuse? 9. Family vacation. Would a beach bring up bad memories? Would Alex hate flying or be totally glued to the window the entire way over? 10. Alex struggles with casual money use because he’s used to having to scrimp and save. 11. Meeting the grandparents 12. Meeting the cousins/aunts and uncles 13. The press learns the Mirandas have a foster kid. 14. Lin starts getting asked about Alex in interviews and SHUTS THAT SHIT DOWN 15. Discussion of the London move (maybe Alex thinks they’re going to leave him behind?) (not sure how foster system works but would they have to jump through lots of legal hoops to be able to take him with them? (Vanessa and her lawyer knowledge) 16. Alex comes to a performance and gets totally star-struck by a VIP (alternatively Lin is totally star-struck by a VIP but has to play it cool because his kid is there) 17. Animal-assisted-therapy (apparently helps a great deal with survivors of sexual assault?) 18. WHITE HOUSE VISIT. 19. Parent-teacher meetings (do you have to do that for the age group you teach lol?) 20. Tony awards/Grammy awards etc. Does Lin mention Alex in his raps/sonnets/teary speeches? If not why? 21. Alex gets twitter or something and posts something he shouldn’t (pic of Seb/script page/private comment) cue angry Lin. 22. Alex has to get an MRI when he gets a proper prescription for his migraine meds. 23. Vanessa and Lin deciding they want to foster 24. Obligatory first meeting with Alex fic 25. Alex learning to trust the Mirandas with regards to touch (maybe like a 5+1 type thing?) 26. Lin introduces Alex to some of his favourite music/movies/books/shows and Alex HATING it. 27. Alex opens up to Lin and V about his past abuse. 28. Taking Tobi for a walk 29. Various occasions- birthdays/holidays and the like 30. Alex starts to gain some independence (getting to school on his own and the like) 31. Awkward Safe Sex talk

all-the-worlds-a-fandom

Prompt responses. Not any stories yet, just bouncing ideas around. I know that I work best when I can discuss my ideas first. Once a lifetime ago (okay, not really but being a teenager feels that way) I wrote a 22 chapter fanfic novel with 2 other authors. The experience was incredible. Pretty much everything I know about writing was learned from that collaboration. Basically, it consisted of writing a small piece, sharing it with the other two and then spending hours discussing it and what comes next via the comment section with these two strangers. Looking back, I can’t even say it was my best work, but it was creativity at its finest.

2. He would hide it. Alex would so hide it! I think how he’d react would be a bizarre contrast between little Alex putting his head down just taking it and overreacting/ lashing out big time. I’m picturing the inside out characters fear and anger (still haven’t seen it) fighting over lead control on this one. I imagine this would just egg the bullies on since not knowing which reaction they were going to get this time would add to the fun of it. I’m not picturing physical bullying, just a constant wave of low level taunts and harassment.

3. Yes! One thing I don’t want to do is go the route, that like everyone has done, where Alex quickly has a close group of friends (Laurens, Mulligan, Lafayette, Schuyler sisters). It’s adorable, but already well explored. I am much more interested in the idea of Alex being very isolated and alone in the world. Like I could see one of the reasons Alex and Lin are so close is because Lin is Alex’s only friend.

I’m very charmed by the idea of Alex becoming friends with Chris Jackson’s son whose a few years younger than Alex and has autism. Lin and Chris are best friends so it makes sense their families would spend a lot of time together. I can picture the two boys hiding in the corner together at a cast party, both overwhelmed by all the people and noise for different reasons. I can see it taking Lin a while to acknowledge that with all of Alex’s combined issues, he’s also a special needs father like Chris, but once he does becoming even closer to his friend from having this is common. Maybe there’s a moment at the party watching the two of them together and coming to this realization. (note though that I would only ever write about their interactions observed from a distance, or mentioned in passing, since writing fanfic about a real life child is so crossing the line) I can also see Lin just aching for Alex to have a friend.

4,6,13,14. It will take him awhile but once he starts forming the beginning seeds of friendship this would be a big issue that derails his attempts. Especially with Lin’s overnight celebrity status that comes from Hamilton. Since Alex coming to them when the show is still in development I can see this becoming a major plotline. Lin starts getting recognized on the streets of NYC all the time when he’s out with Alex and it freaks him out. It becomes a thing that Alex is constantly ducking out of the way for selfies, but people also start taking creepy photos of them from a distance and posting it to the internet. Questions start to arise about who this teen is that looks just like LMM. When asked by fans Lin dismissively says he’s a relative, so initially the thought is that Alex is his nephew, but as Alex starts popping up more and it comes out that he’s living with him the circulating rumor is that Alex might be Lin’s bastard child from a prior relationship (since they look so much alike) and that Lin might have knocked up a gf in college that he recently got custody of.  People become extra curious because Lin is always tweeting about his life and sharing photos, but Alex is never directly mentioned which seems suspicious. Lin’s super protective and does not want to let on that Alex is a fosterkid. Any press questions about Alex and the interview would be shut down. He knows the press would have a field day with that story, but at the same time the various circulating rumors start to become very harmful. I also know that in the state of New York it is perfectly legal for paparazzi to take photos of celebrity kids (while it’s illegal in California) which starts to become a problem for Alex. Just to add to the mess, social services starts to question if the Miranda’s are a suitable placement given all of this. Oh boy…

5. Honestly because he’s Hamilton I don’t think he’s ever going to fully open up to a therapist. No matter what they do or which new person they try Alex just keeps on glaring and refusing to talk. Eventually they all realize that it’s currently a waste of time, but since social services is requiring it they keep bringing Alex to his weekly sessions. Maybe after a couple years of this Alex will finally break?

7. Conversation coming back from doctor’s appointment weigh in:

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know that wasn’t nearly enough. I really am trying, I swear. I’ll do better though, promise. I’ll make you proud next time.” Alex is bordering on hysterical, crushed by the look of disappointment on Lin’s face when he saw the numbers on the scale. He hates letting him down.

“Alexander I’m not mad at you, kid.”

“You’re not?”

“No! All this means is we’re stopping for a big serving of ice cream on our way home.”

9. Maybe on a family trip to Puerto Rico? Yeah, I don’t think Alex would do well with the beach, especially in an environment so close to Nevis. I can just see him standing frozen right on the edge of where the ground meets the sand, refusing to take a step further. The whole family is dressed and ready for a fun day on the beach and Alex won’t move. Lin and Vanessa are baffled since the exact details of what happened to him with the hurricane are fuzzy in his report. Alex and the ocean have some major trust issues to work out. If the ocean was a character like in Moana they would need couples counseling. If they stayed in a beachfront resort they’d end up having to switch to a room that *wasn’t* ocean view.

15. This has been in the back of my mind for a while now. I’ve gone as far as to research it a bit and prior court permission is required before even taking a foster kid out of state. Out of the country trips are allowed, but requires a lot of advance planning and paperwork, and an extended time would not be well tolerated. They would probably have to fast track an adoption or legal guardianship (a step between fostering and adoption, I have a friends Mom whose done this with a child of distant Native American decent who could not legally be adopted outside of their tribe) to make it happen. But Alex might not be legally free to be adopted because it can’t be proven that Alex’s dad might not come back into the picture later. Meanwhile they are trying to keep all these legal proceedings a secret from Alex so he doesn’t stress over it, but then Alex reads online that Lin has been cast in Mary Poppins before they get a chance to talk to him about it, and becomes convinced he’s getting left behind. He would probably sit on this for a good week or so before saying anything. Later when it’s looking like it’s not going to go through Lin is ready to turn down the role and Alex feels horrible. This is angst extreme!

18. I just love the image of Alex tagging along shyly behind Lin at the white house. But it’s sure going to take a lot of convincing to get him to come…

19. Yes, I do! I’ve given some thought into the process of Alex needing to be placed on a special plan (like a 504 plan for his panic attacks and migraines since they are affecting his ability to function at school). This is the definition of writing what I know! It can be a tough process and I can see Alex (and initially Lin) being resistant to having any kind of association with special education.

Written weeks ago:

Alex’s mid-term report card leaves him dumbfounded. It’s not even the letter grades themselves, averaging C’s with a splattering of B’s and Ds). It’s the comments that shock him:

“Multiple missing assignments, falling behind, risk of failing, does not complete assignments, frequently misses class, clearly very bright, not living up to potential, work completed brilliant, lazy.”

This is not his Alex. Alex who Lin constantly finds knee deep in schoolwork. Alex who stays up far later than he should reading. Alex who frequently needs to be forced to take a break from his writing. Did they get him mixed up with another Alexander Hamilton?

Some digging reveals that Alex often skips class when feeling especially anxious or having a panic attack or avoiding other students. He hides in the bathroom. He also gets lots of milder headaches which makes it hard to get class assignments done. Also, Alex flat out refuses to participate in group projects.

After talking to all of the teachers a theme emerges: all homework, extended individual assignments and tests Alex excels in. He’s doing horribly in participation points, groups projects and in class assignments. How well he’s doing is proportional to how much weight these items carry in class. Classes where tests and essays make up the bulk of the grade Alex is doing well in. Classes where the opposite is true Alex is bombing.  

20. “Sebastian and Alex, Daddy’s bringing you home a Grammy.” That’s all I’ve got so far, and it might be changed, but it’s cute. I think it’s a given that Alex refuses to come to any of the award ceremonies, despite multiple offers.

22 I’ve been throwing this idea around as well (it’s already been eluded to in the stories). When I was Alex’s age I had, like, all of the brain related tests done. I thought the MRI was super cool, but I can see anyone with claustrophobia or trust issues (a cage like thing is placed over your head to keep it still and the machines quite loud) freaking out. EEGs sucked! I had to stay awake for 24 hours with no caffeine beforehand and then they torture you with flashing lights and weird breathing and such. Then my teenage self got all hysterical about all the glue in my hair because I was so exhausted my emotions were all out of whack. I’m already feeling bad for Alex (and Lin) thinking about how I’m going to use this memory to torture him.

24. Since our first discussion I have come up w/ a few ideas that haven’t been done before, but I’m keeping those to myself for now. We’ll see what happens.

New problem: what do I tackle first?  

[03-23-2018]

Please if I ever try to be with my ex again please remind me.

Reasons not to get back together with him:

Reasons I left my ex:

#1 He hit our daughter in the face, left a bruise on her cheek and there's court documents and proof...

(dont be stupid, this should be enough to remind you, Destiny)

#2 Yelled at our son and got mad at him, even though hes only a baby (2-4months old) would set him down really hard and tell him to shut up. Especially when playing video games.

#3 Smoked for hours outside

#4 Smoking was more important than feeding our children

#5 Smoking was more important than changing our kid's diapers

#6 Video games, the phone and friends were more important than paying attention to myself and the kids

#7 He had really stinky feet and crusty socks

#8 He was never taught to do laundry until he met me

#9 He's really messy and leaves stuff everywhere

#10 Lets dishes mold, never rinsed them

#11 Would make me/rarely ever take care of the kids even though I was sick, ill, tired or just came out of the hospital and refused to help because of selfish reasons

#12 Never contributed financially without throwing a fit or asking his parents to cover it for him

#13 Let the cats suffer with nasty litterboxes, let them poop everywhere, never bought them toys, food, etc.

#14 Yelled at me, made mean faces at me, would pound on the door when I needed space

#15 Would bully our child all day and wouldn't stop until I joined in so he could blame me for it or would direct his anger at me for comforting her

#16 Left his hair everywhere in the shower

#17 Never helped lift, carry or move heavy things unless he felt like it, I had to do it most of the time

#18 Went through classes to help with his behavior for a year then later used that knowledge against me to say I was abusive

#19 Wasn't that affectionate overtime, he became distant, moody, agitated

#20 Treated his parents like shit, told them to fuck off and go away when they would try to help him

#21 Eventually I became the new target when his parents weren't around for him to explode on then eventually the kids when I fought back

#22 Would never buy things we needed, often would spend his money on himself for weed, cigs, guitar stuff, etc.

#23 Snores really loud

#24 Wouldn't give me space when I needed it, would refuse to sleep on the couch

#25 Cheated on me while I was pregnant on Halloween which was my favorite Holiday and an ex cheated on me on Halloween and he knew that so he cheated on me the EXACT SAME WAY my ex did, in a car and slept with a newly 18 year old girl at my brothers house

(as well as that Halloween was the best one our daughter had and he ruined it)

#26 Blamed me for the cheating

#27 Hed blame me for a lot of things

#28 7 out of 10 and 181 out of 200 on the MOSAIC test

#29 Never tried to get a vehicle until we separated

#30 Wouldn't respect my feelings, boundaries and continue bringing people into his life that he knew I was uncomfortable with

#31 Threatened to kill my ex boyfriend the first time I moved on from him, never was able to rekindle even a friendship with my ex over that bc he started dating his ex again.

#32 Threatened to drag my ex's dog from the back of a motorcycle bc he claimed he knew the "hells angels"...

#33 Got mad at me if I used the last of our money on OUR kids if he ran out of weed or cigarettes

#34 Had a problem with all of my friends, regardless of gender, but especially if they were overweight, ugly or really close to me.

#35 Often told me I should have had plenty of attractive female friends and was mad that I didn't

#36 Convinced me every guy I talked to was out to harm me, have sex with me or rape and/kill me and to get away from them asap.

#37 Almost left me, pregnant, with our daughter on the streets in Reno so he could go back home to Gridley bc he had work the next day. He didn't care about our safety, he cared more about his job. He yelled at me for about 2-3 hours in the parking lot for refusing to get in the car with his abusive friend's girlfriend (in reno) until some man intervened and took us to get food. He then left me and our daughter stranded for about an hour or two to get our luggage and I had to beg someone to give us enough money to get a hotel and then when my brother showed up to get us he had me leave with his parents bc he had them come get us thus resulting in my bro and his gf probably being a little irritated about everything.

#38 the second time I left him and moved on with a boyfriend he quit his job (the same one he would've abandoned us in reno for) so that way he could stay at home with us

#39 my water broke early and he'd visit me in the hospital very rarely and barely tried, sometimes he'd cause fights in the hospital

#40 yelled at me while our son was in the NICU and rarely wanted to go take care of him when we went to see him

#41 weed, cigs and drinking are very important to his identity and he would judge someone if they didn't partake

#42 Used the "Hells Angels" club to intimidate me or people I knew/loved/cared about over a lot of things

#43 I was the main person who paid for everything, did everything, sent him to walk with my money to get things we needed sometimes having to plead and beg him to do it and it still was never good enough. I never did enough for him or anybody

#44 Would call me psycho a lot or crazy and threaten to do something about it when I'd stand up for myself

#45 Kept his abusive father around even though he almost was killed by him Christmas of 2016

#46 Our kids were told to shut up or stop crying, our first kid by his father when we lived with him then later our son was treated the same by Jesus

#47 Kept anything around that would bother me, did things that'd bother me, constantly would push buttons to keep me miserable even when I opened up and told him it made me miserable he continued doing it

#48 Blamed everything and everyone for his own actions

#49 Would tell me he loved me, but would rarely ever show it

#50 Hated my parents and would talk shit about them any chance he'd get as well as other family members

#51 He'd purposely ignore me when I'd talk and wouldn't reply to me even if he heard me

#52 he’d get mad at the sound of me eating, chewing or any small things that were normal. I noticed he started making me food less and less.

#53 would yell at me if I changed my mind about having sex

#54 Was a VERY ANGRY drunk and did try to hit me or be abusive while drunk

#55 would yell and/or intimidate the kids and me for hours, sometimes we had to lock ourselves in the bedroom, I have recordings of him screaming for hours and banging on the door not allowing us to sleep...

#56 would lie about things to “save face” or keep his reputation clean, especially his DV charges with me + our kid(s) (even though its in court documents and on file)

#57 thought things I learned in my psych class were bullshit and argued with my education

#58 lack of contact for days, weeks, months on end about the children, says one thing does another, doesn’t want to co-parent or get along for the children’s sake, doesn’t want to meet my significant other or meet people the children will be around, which is ridiculous bc I think the children deserve better than that

#59 hated my self expressive part of myself, hated that I was polyamorous, didn’t accept things about me like my openmindedness about lgbt/trans/ things I was passionate about, very close minded and judgemental and held me back from being able to fully be myself

#60 refused to leave my side when we’d break up, would threaten to take the kids to another country, would intimidate or stay in the household or prevent me from being able to move on. No intentions of letting me live my life without him so I had to flee and separate us both from our children to forcibly get him out of the picture.

#61 still had to “save face” myself to slowly break the relationship to move forward

#62 he believed staying together was better for the children, even in a miserable, toxic and extremely unhealthy environment that he made minimal efforts to change

#63 screamed and yelled and made me feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time

#64 would hold our daughter down or use very sexist, overpowering punishments. would use scare tactics or anger towards her.

#65 Never took responsibility for his errors, it was hard to get him to admit his faults. had to use the “dont know what you got until its gone tactic” and walk away or cut off communication, if even possible

#66 his parents called me by his exes name for almost the first year of our relationship

#67 said I was supposed to cook, clean and give him kids and do very old-fashioned things for him

#68 would make me think there were evil entities and scare me to stay awake all night with him

#69 he’d interrupt me a lot and would barely let me feel, would barely allow me to cry without yelling at me or making the argument about him, even if it was originally about my feelings about something that hurt me

#70 I was barely ever able to have a voice and couldn’t go out and do things for fear of upsetting him if it was with someone he didnt like/ didnt approve of.

#71 criticized my music taste, made me feel bad about liking certain artists

This list is not a direct representation of the entire relationship. It is only a small percentage of the toxic, unhealthiness that I endured. This is a personal journal entry I have chosen to share, this was my reality. I am hoping that people will use this knowledge to recognize when they might need help, to reach out, to look into resources, recognizing abuse, unhealthy behaviors, and basically to utilize it as a tool, not an instrument to bully or harass anyone, including myself and/or person(s) unnamed. 

I also understand these are my personal experiences and reasonings, not everyone’s situations are the same as mine. Please dont take offense to anything, it’s not directed at you. This list is the MAIN thing that helped me move forward and leave an unhealthy lifestyle, without it myself and my kids would have continued to suffer and possibly endure and escalation of abuse. I got away and decided not to take that chance or have it be a possibility. Thank you for reading this.

http://www.thehotline.org/

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. Users of web browser Microsoft Edge will be redirected to Google when clicking the “X” or “Escape” button.

More to be added soon as I think of them

(I will be rereading this a lot to myself when I feel weak and I'm posting it to share with others so you all are aware and hopefully can and will help keep me focused on moving forward away from him)