#my heart still cries for him

[vicious-vixen-305]

His birthday was yesterday. Still gone. Still missed. Still hurts. Still loved. Still sad. Still trying to figure things out.

I love you, big head 💕

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Why are you running?

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[lotus-pear]

regret

[teenitrash]

Post!War Levi who has to get used to moving around in a wheelchair

Post!War Levi who has to learn to rely on others and has to be the one asking for help this time around

Post!War Levi who gets frequent nightmares and bittersweet dreams of the past and has no one to wake up beside

Post!War Levi who finally allows himself to embrace life and live it as best as he can, handing out candy to underprivileged kids and opening up to Gabi and Falco about his mother

Post!War Levi who will never think of the "What ifs" and "What could have beens" as a way of showing that he will never regret the decisions he made

Post!War Levi who wakes up every morning, promising to live on and keep the memories of those who didn't make it alive as one of the last few surviving members of the Survey Corps

Post!War Levi, my tragically sad man.

[01432853]

Then what about you?

The Story of Pearl Girl 珠帘玉幕 (2024) • Episode 39

[the-gay-trashmouth]

I don't feel like the conversation Curly has with Jimmy right before Jimmy crashes the ship gets enough attention, because in that scene we get so much character information from both of them, completely outside of Jimmy warped perception. (Long ass ramble below the cut)

One thing I don't see brought up nearly enough is that Curly and Jimmy aren't just co-workers. They're friends back on Earth. He also brings up Jimmy's "hard times" back home, specifically bringing it up when he's trying to talk him down after he finds out Anya is pregnant. Now we don't know what exactly he means by "hard times", it could be anything from a depressive episode to a drug habit. In context though, I feel like it isn't a stretch to say it was something to do with the law, considering Jimmy is talking about having to face the consequences of assaulting Anya when they get back to Earth ("what do you think will happen when we get back?").

Some people then take the rest of what Jimmy says to mean Anya's assault was pre-planned as a way to tarnish Curly's reputation- I think this theory is bullshit. We see multiple times throughout the game that Jimmy is really good at just pulling shit out of his ass when he feels like he's cornered. He's constantly coming up with new justifications as to why he does things and how it's somehow never truly his fault. I think that's what he's doing here, making it Curly's fault for "pushing" him to extremes. "I was just so jealous of you, you're always dangling the life I want right in front of me, you don't even want it, you don't deserve it".

He's twisting his own disgusting actions into some sort of rebellion against the system, just like he always does, just to make himself out to be the poor, downtrodden layman with no other choices. A man pushed to extremes by the world around him. However, this is just Jimmy's rewriting of history, a way to shove blame off onto Curly, a way to manipulate him into going along with his plan. If he really did set out to ruin Curly's reputation he wouldn't have crashed the ship, he wouldn't try and manipulate him into going along with it by saying they could be remembered as heroes instead.

I also think this theory, once again as y'all are so eager to do, makes Anya's assault revolve around a man. It once again turns her into a plot device or means to an end rather than her own character. It shifts the focus onto Curly as the victim when she was Jimmy first and most ignored victim. Like Polle says "why are you still so concerned with HIM?"

But, anyways, by the end of that conversation- his manipulation works. Or, maybe it works. Of course we don't know exactly what's going through Curly's head, but he ends the conversation with "right..." And walks away. Either he didn't believe Jimmy when he was point blank telling him what he was going to do, or he did and genuinely bought into his manipulation for a moment, before snapping back out of it once the alarms actually sounded. Either way, the conversation ends with Curly walking away and letting Jimmy just do whatever he wanted.

That conversation also shows us a look into how Curly was "handling it". Basically throwing empty platitudes to both Jimmy and Anya. Never ever acknowledging the scale of Jimmy actions. An interesting thing to me is that, until the very end when he says "right", not once does he acknowledge what Jimmy is actually saying. Just repeating "we can fix this, you'll get through this, it's going to be fine" while Jimmy continues to talk about how he could still get away with it. It's like he barely hears him, and the same thing with Anya. Anya tells him, point blank, she doesn't feel safe. She hides the gun herself, and constantly drops hints about Jimmy, even tells him about the harassment, but time and time again he brushes it off with "I'll talk to him" and then never actually has a talk with him.

During the psych evals, Anya tells Curly she can't get through an evaluation with Jimmy. He makes sexual jokes and refuses to take her seriously. Saying "I find myself sexually attracted to the company mascot" while locked in a room with a woman who is at most a coworker you've only known for like 4-5 months during a company mandatory psych eval is at the very least non compliance, and at most sexual harassment. What does Curly say about this?

"so tell me about those horses"

And then nothing else. He doesn't get onto Jimmy about treating Anya with respect or taking this seriously. He let's him dodge questions and assures him how everything is fine. Jimmy is actively making the other crewmates jobs more difficult but Curly does. Absolutely. Nothing. And this is RIGHT AFTER he gets onto Swansea for letting Daisuke do a dangerous job. He knows how to be captain, he knows how to put his foot down, but he actively chooses not to with Jimmy, instead appealing to their history and friendship. Letting him slide with things you would NOT let a regular employee slide with.

Curly is a character defined by inaction. He didn't do anything when Anya first tells him that Jimmy makes her uncomfortable, he does nothing when she tells of the assault (off screen) or when she tells him she's pregnant (onscreen), he does NOTHING when Jimmy looks him in the eyes and tells them they can be heroes, if he just lets Jimmy fix it. That's what makes his ending all the more tragic.

His choice to do nothing until the very last second, when it's already too late and Jimmy has doomed them all, results in him not being able to do ANYTHING. he is stuck in constant pain watching as one by one his crew dies and every single time there's Jimmy, still avoiding responsibility, still manipulating the people around him, and he has to finally reconcile that this has always been who jimmy was, he was just too focused on the bigger picture to see the dead pixel.

When Jimmy gets the gun, Curly lets out what seems like something between a laugh and a sob. It's the last of Anya's predictions to come true. Anya was right, and Curly can't do a fucking thing anymore. his friend is a monster, a killer, and a rapist. He was never going to be able to "fix it", because it was never about Curly. It was about Jimmy, it was always about Jimmy and his complete need for control paired with his refusal to take responsibility.

And in the end we end up back in the party room back where Jimmy first created the character of Captain Curly in his head, the one that made it easier to blame. It's there that he makes himself the hero again, valiantly forgives poor Captain Curly and shows himself to be the selfless, responsible, perfect captain that he always saw himself as-

despite the fact that he was surrounded by the stiff remains of his crew, all of whom he'd had a hand in their death, and chewing on the leg of the only man who ever saw the good in him.

[sharknark]

⬇️rant about a really good hengren (reverse renheng) fic i read. link at the bottom give it a whirl

i've never read a fic so well-catered to my tastes before in my life and the best part is that i was so caught off guard by how good it was cuz the tags and summary had me like "right this is some omegaverse-esque, rawr XD mating shit"

but from the very first paragraph i realized it wasn't just ao3-typical possessive mating shit it was (dare i say) IN CHARACTER possessive mating shit. underappreciated dan feng lore is the two hearts shit, duty expects him to smother his own empathy and perform cruelty obediently (and that being in his dragon form literally numbs his empathy towards mortals) but then it's flipped around and he's criticized for being too heartless

there aren't a great many english fics that take advantage of the 'numbed empathy' thing, so this fic using that to explore the toxic codependency that drove dan feng to making yingxing immortal in the first place is so!

dan feng's dragon heart prioritizing it's own indulgence and power, his human heart screaming against it for empathy and restraint, but both hearts united in this possessive adoration of yingxing... dan feng is possessive to the point of harming his partner, forcing them to take his affection, inherently contradictive to the protective impulse to see the other unhurt.

dan feng makes yingxing immortal in a really sketchy operation, despite knowing that yingxing is literally defined by his pride in being a short-life. he wants yingxing to be with him so badly that he does the one thing that would hurt yingxing the most, too blinded by possession, this sickly overbearing affection, to empathetically respect yingxing's death.

yingxing lived cramming every second he could into his craft and his goals precisely because he has so much less time than all the immortal species around him, but when he's forced into immortality, his hands are scarred and ruined past the point of ever crafting again. he suddenly has so much time, all this time he would've cherished as a mortal, but is totally useless to him now that his purpose for living and passion is gone.

so there being a scene in this fic where dan feng is moping "yingxing doesn't wanna fuck because he's glued to his workshop", being followed up with a scene of dan heng fucking blade while kissing his scarred hand and crying that he's "so sorry", yeah no shit asshole, his dragon heart got what it wanted, blade has all the time in the world to fuck and nothing competing for his now limitless attention and no one's happy about it.

as arrogant about being a short-life as yingxing was, it really is compensation for the discrimination he faced for it. other immortals looked down on him, so having dan feng, THE top dog, be so deeply enamored with him stirred his own toxic codependent urges. he was so desperate to have dan feng's eternal regard that he's willing to die for him (as in the sedition), his death being the force cementing his place in dan feng's heart forever.

so the fic having yingxing ruminate on this, that he had hoped for dan feng to love him even centuries after he inevitably died, only for the fic to end with:

yeah yingxing... you left an impression... he made you immortal.... everyone's upset by this

(that's what makes dan heng forgetting blade was ever yingxing to begin with all the more painful because, you went and turned him immortal and when it backfired horrifically you went on and fucking forgot, bitch i'd be pissed to the point of centuries long bloody pursuit of vengeance too.)

here's the fic go read it and leave kudos and a comment, technically porn but i got so invested in the character study that part barely registered. also yeah if you hadn't realized already super dead-dove:

blah blah "renheng is toxic" sorry that's why i like it

[todayisafridaynight]

puffer party inspo'd by the fact i've had this fic rotating in my head for the past week

[skitskatdacat63]

Not July 29th quite yet for me, BUT HAPPY 42ND BIRTHDAY TO FERNANDO 🎉🎉🎉🎊🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🎊🎊 MY FAVORITE OLD MAN ON THE GRID 🎉🎉🎉 THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ME SO PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS SPORT 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[termagax]

re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.

[sysig]

Good to see you again ♥ (Patreon)

Bonus:

[sskk-manifesto]

Ep 5!!!

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

'yandere sebastian' 'yandere abigail' 'yandere wizard' give me yandere clint 🖐✊🖐✊

[cosmic-d1ce]

The nightmare thing but it was real because i only like angst

Way longer than it needed to be but raaaa

Chayanne's hold on Phil's hand loosens and Phil knows what that means. He squeezes the small hand tighter, as tight as he can. Maybe, he thought, if he holds on, Chayanne won't go.

He rolled onto his back, looking up at the stars in a daze. He's bleeding out. Slowly. He's almost sure two of the stars in the sky aren't stars at all, they're the eyes of the monster who did this. Looking down at them mockingly.

It was unfair, he thought. Life was unfair. How could he have prevented this? What could he have done.

His vision blurs and he's not sure if it's tears or because he's on the brink of death. He pulls Tallulah to his side, hugging her as tight as he can manage.

He holds them close in his final moments. Pulls his babies as close as he can as he slips away. He would never see Chayanne again, he had to hold on. One more hug, and if he could move, he'd have leant over and kissed his head, wipe away the blood and tears.

He wished he could have helped.

Done something.

Anything.

He had never felt like this. Not in this lifetime.

He felt like years of work had been destroyed.

Like he was losing everything he'd worked for.

He tried to hold the kids even as his body gave out.

It all went black.

He woke up in bed, an empty feeling in his gut. He was silent for a while, scanning the room in hopes that maybe it was just a dream.

He felt the pain in his chest where it bad dug in it's claw.

It was real.

Chayanne was gone.

He looked down at his lap and cried, sobs ripping from his throat as it set in.

It wasn't fair. This wasn't fair.

He couldn't see it.

He thought they were safe, he could have sworn it was safe.

A quiet, hesitant knock at the door stopped him. Tallulah. She was still alive. She came back.

Phil rubbed at his eyes as he stood, throwing the covers off of himself. He scanned his hand, opening the door. Tallulah rushed in, hugging Phil as tightly as she could, holding onto his pants hard enough that Phil worried she'd rip them.

She sobbed as Phil picked her up, burying her face in his shirt. Phil held her close, rocking her back and forth as he held back tears of his own. He couldn't let Tallulah see him like this. He had to protect her.

Better this time. No uncertainty.

He sat on the bed, keeping a tight hold of his granddaughter as she sobbed into his shoulder. She coughed and gagged and Phil knew she had never felt this sort of pain before. She was too young to have any idea how much this would hurt. She was too young to understand.

That thought alone made Phil tear up. He kissed her head and tried to hide that he was crying too. He wasn't sure if Tallulah could even notice in this state. She was a mess, Phil didn't think she could notice anything at the moment.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Phil's grip tightened, "I thought- I was wrong, they don't- they won't let us live here-" He stopped himself before he could say his son's name. "...Tallulah. I'm sorry."

She pulled herself impossibly closer, holding onto him as if her life depended on it.

It did, Phil realised, her life did depend on him being here. It did depend on being close to him.

His heart sank. He had to keep her safe. He had to be the one to protect her.

He would. He wasn't going to let her die too.

Even if Wilbur disapproved, he had to keep her safe. He had to keep her alive he couldn't fail again.

Tallulah pushed Phil away and he scrambled to wipe his tears. She pulled out her whiteboard and scribbled something on it, hesitating before she showed it.

Is Chayanne going to come back?

Phil stared at the board for a long time, unable to answer.

He cried. Broke down into sobs as it hit him again. Chayanne was gone. He wasn't coming home. Never.

He would never be home again.

Tallulah looked at him as she realised what that meant. She threw the board on the bed and hugged Phil as tightly as she could. He hugged back, wrapping his arms around her small frame, holding onto her desperately.

She was as small as Chayanne was the first time Phil held him. A tiny, defenseless egg. Undeveloped, underfed, weak and alone.

Tallulah couldn't talk, but the noises she made almost sounded like she was calling for her papa, a small and weak noise that broke in the middle. Phil's heart broke for the third time today.

Wilbur wasn't here to help Tallulah.

Missa wasn't here to help Phil.

Chayanne was dead.

The whine Tallulah gave was apologetic. As if she had anything to be sorry for. A quiet, high pitched noise, not unlike a dog. Phil shushed her as best he could between broken sobs.

He wished he could speak and comfort her but his words died in his throat when he tried.

He held her close, as he had on that beach. She was just a baby, tiny and defenseless in his arms. Nothing he could do would keep her safe from that thing.

What was he supposed to do?

It isn't fair.

[forlibcrty]

if i think too long about lafayette's friendship with connor i'll start eating glass. they're nearly the same age, as the youngest players in the revolution. lafayette addresses connor at every turn as "my friend!" with enthusiasm. their optional conversations in the game centre on their shared optimistic ideals for the cause and what it could mean. lafayette is the one connor chooses to trust with his final plan, and lafayette arrives with clear concern for connor when achilles is ill — not out of worry for the cause, but care for connor himself and how he's coping. and most importantly, lafayette is the only major figure in the war that doesn't end up using connor. lafayette is one of connor's only true friends and i'll die on that hill.

[errantgoat]

As much as I love Astarion's questline, I can't quite join the chorus of people who say they feel real catharsis during the final parts of his story.

Shadowheart on the other hand...