#my guess is he doesn't want to be the poster boy for a movement that

[inahallucination]

famous au but um dumb

@cowboylexapro

if the poets were on social media and famous this is what they'd be known for

(age somewhere between 19-21)

todd

tumblr blog name: toad.anderson

ao3 name: toad.writes

he's technically anon but not rlly

sexiest tumblr account known to man - he's a fanfic writer and an au poster with some occasional og stuff that floods his inbox with asks begging him to publish his og work too - what fandom does he write for? all of them.

his bf proof reads them all even if he's never been in the fandom

he writes fics for his friends when they get famous

in between his novel worthy fanfics are shitty fics of his friends

his followers get rlly confused

he wrote a neil x reader fic until straight girls started claiming it and he took it down becuz the reader was him

todd on his blog: guyss… im so sorry but im taking the neil x reader fic down… im sorry if i offend anyone but the reader was me ❤️ not you - i don't like you all claiming it

after taking down the x reader, he does a neil x oc but the oc is him but with green eyes

neil, after the oc gets described: todd the only person im seeing is u tho 😦 and u have blue eyes

eventually his relationship with famous tiktoker neil perry gets revealed and ppl realize he's not just an obsessed fan

after neil says the thing blog: toad.anderson: guys my real name is todd anderson everyone: omg we wouldve never guessed

after neil and him go public and ppl dont believe that neil is gay he alternates between seething and writing neil fics and taking joy from neil's confusion

todd points out comments that are obviously thirsting over neil and neil still doesn't realize he's being thirsted over

"neil be the father of my children!" "oh i think they meant that in a godfather type way"

todd, at a breaking point, suggests that neil and him post a kissing video but neil doesnt wanna be one of those shawn camilla couples - respect

what if he posted them kissing but he made a historians will call them bestfriends joke but then ppl did🧍‍♂️

"my bestie and I 🤩 " "NEIL PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK UR SERIOUS"

//

neil

tiktok name: neilliard.at.julliard

accidentally tiktok famous for pretty face, charming personality, acting abilities - the theater kids had a claim over him orignially but he's pretty mainstream now

comment section full of old grandmas trying to set him up with their granddaughters

everyones dream bf until he posted about his own bf

neil: my boyfie has a big tumblr and he writes a lot and he really likes frogs and he is also blond and heres his address

hes kinda oblivious about everything

"you want a close up of my collar bones? why ?"

reading comment "'show your abs?' its nice you think i have abs! only my boyfriend can see those tho 😉 "

the comments go wild

people are stitching it screaming for different reasons

all his fans r screaming into pillows bc HES TAKEN NOOO

people are trying to figure out who this mans boyfie is

"he has a boyfriend??" "he's been straightbaiting us!" "NOO HE'S TAKEN" "IS UR BF AS HOT AS U" "look at the way his eyes lit up when he said bf i love love" "this video shows an aspect of society that-"

"tell us about ur bf" and he makes a week worth of videos but its all random stuff

"my bf looks pretty in blue" "my bf likes to put salt and pepper on his fries" "my bf has hair"

the straightbaiting comments come after him posting about pride and having a pride flag in the background of his videos <- they say things like "he's such a good ally"

people attack others in the comments who ask him if hes queer "NO NEIL ISNT GAY NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE GAY HE COULD JUST BE A REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY FRUITY STRAIGHT GUY WHO LIKES GIRLS"

"are you gay neil???" -> "not everything has to be gay ppl can just be allys and btw by assuming every ally is gay, ur actually hurting the movement!!!" -> "i asked becuz he said he wanted to kiss his boy best friend on the lips in highschool" -> "he meant it heterosexual-ly"

someone asks him what his type is and he describes todd to the t and they think he likes a short haired blonde

"he likes girls in sweat pants not skirts" "his type isnt ppl in skirts" -- neil would love todd in a skirt but thats not the point

his type: "he's really shy, gorgeous, short dirty blonde hair, uhhhh, really smart, and So much more :))"

he could say my boyfriend is a man who i am dating because i am gay and they would still try to straight-ify him

a grainy video gets leaked of a short haired blond guy jumping into his arms and ppl say things like "its just a girl with short hair"

todd hate writes a neil x male reader fic

he asks his friends for help and they post todd's face everywhere on his recording set

he makes a video like "meet my toddy"

in the video todd says he's a boy and he's todd and he's neil boyfriend 3485757 times and neil is like "omg babe i love u too <33" becuz he doesnt Understand

some ppl r still in denial or think he's bi w/ a preference for girls

straight girls like him becuz he has a pretty face and a general respect for women

during prom season, he gets dmed a lot of websites for buying prom tickets

"don't worry guys! i know i said my high school time was rough, but i actually did go to prom with my bf!!"

//

charlie

twitter name: therealalpha

most popular podcast name: daltons intercourse

joke/bait account ppl took seriously

The Alpha that other alpha posters bow to

says stuff like "SIGMA MALES KISS ALPHAS ON THE MOUTH TO ASSURT DOMINANCE"

the twitter alphas buy into him so bad he's making podcasts and doign interviews and he has no clue how tf he got here but he's riding the high

he advocates for being alpha via kissing ur homies

when he gets famous he begs todd to write a fic about him

todd agrees pretty easily tbh

"ARE YOU EVEN AN ALPHA MALE IF PPL AREN'T WRITING GAY FICS ABOUT YOU"

charlie posts things like "no homo" "only the real make out with their homies" over those black and white pics of muscle-y dudes w/ no context after the neil video he posts "he homo" over one of them w/ no context

at first ppl try to attack him but then theyre like wtf is going on here and realize he's trolling the alpha community

when no one realizes neil is actually gay he makes a podcast episode talking about how he thinks neil is gay gay homosexual gay - he's holding a cigar and wearing a tight hawaiian unbuttoned shirt like "lets talk about this gay gay theater gay boykisser man"

made by @cowboylexapro

//

pitts

youtube name: gerdoesstuff

joint youtube name: idkman

homework help and crafts videos youtuber - relaxed vibes only here to be calm

he gives study and concentration tips and encourages ppl to seek help and companionship and not suffer alone

he paints mugs and looks for bugs

he was on charlie's podcast and they discussed the alpha-ness of making pottery

todd wrote a pitts x reader fic becuz ppl begged him to

pitts printed it out and framed it and put it in his filming set up

he's a regular on meeks podcast too btw and meeks is a regular on his

but when meeks is around things explode so

he has a second channel with meeks where they do silly experiments

theyre posting schedule is non-existent and they also do streams but they never tell you so their viewers just have to hope and find out

knox and him are planning on making a movie review channel but its still not fully thought out so

he makes couple mugs for todd and neil when neil asks for help

he wakes up at 2 am and sends todd prompts

anytime he learns a fun fact he sends it to todd on the off chance todd may need it for a story at some point in his life

anytime he reads anything he's like damn neil will love to act like this character and lets him know about it

he sends charlie alpha podcasters to make fun of

at some point he exposes cam's shitty handwriting for the giggles

knox

instagram name: knoxious.ur.mom.ious

he posted a short on his instagram talking about how he just learned hair grows from the head and not the bottom and blew up for being a dummy - he doesn't know whats going on but he's having a blast

he stirs up drama but on accident

he was on pitts youtube before

out of everyone here he's the only one not making content he's just vibing

eventually he ends up posting background footage of everyone doing dumb shit

when it comes out theyre friends ppl stalk his instagram to find more proof

after that he starts to stir drama but more consciously

hmm what else - idk he's just chilling, getting called out for being dumb and watching his friends do dumb stuff

oh wait when he makes that short about the hair a bunch of commentary channels post about it and he takes it like a badge of honor

cameron

instagram name: cam.studies

pinterest name: cam.studies

one of those aesthetic studying accounts on insta and pinterest - takes nice shots of his homework and his pen collections and his study desk

except its only for the pics his handwriting is atrocious - he has like one page or paragraph of pretty handwriting to post and the rest is scribbled chaos - his pens are never organized by color, theyre just thrown in a box, and his desk is filled with papers and books and never looks clean but its fine he's just here for clout

he ends up sponsoring and reviewing businesses that make those cute study supplies so now he has a hoard - or at least he did until his friends started taking them

he groaned about the cam.studies x {random ass ppl} fics todd wrote but he thinks theyre funny and has them bookmarked

he went on charlie's podcast and the two argued for half of it and then explained how as two alphas they would settle their differences by kissing

his friends help him angle his aesthetic shots at cafes and shit

he got exposed eventually as a fake becuz ppl (cough) posted his real notes which were messy and disorganized

but he played it off as a commentary about how the internet is fake and got more sponsorships

he judges todd and neil but is eating popcorn at the front seat of the drama

meeks

podcast name: chameleon hotel

youtube channel name: idkman

meeks makes a podcast for very stupid intricate crimes. he has a cult following of bisexuals

its stuff like drama over a tree being taken down

"the locals even called their beloved tree 'ole alvin'"

charlie: todd write a meeks x ole alvin fic

he has standards, so he does

he went on charlie's podcast and convinced ppl that being with other men allowed u to suck in their alpha-ness and become the ultimate alpha

but generally he just makes his little silly videos and makes cryptic posts about the neil todd drama

has a joint channel w/ pitts

is up to date with the neil thing and is the one to send neil updates

he tries to convince neil to act out his podcasts (with a lot of success lmao)

he tries to convince todd to write fics based on his podcasts (also with a lot of success)

as payback for the ole alvin x meeks fic he convinces todd (very easily) to write a bunch of dumb charlie fics and todd agrees becuz he has standards

no one actually knows that the poets know each other

they eventually post a group photo

"we need to cancel neil perry for being friends with an alpha podcast guy" "nah thats just charlie"

"yall know hes bi, right?"

"he literally has a podcast about how sucking dick as a man makes u the ultimate alpha male"

it does explain why charlie's alpha podcast go from tiktok actor, tumblr fanfic writer, instagram study blog, fellow podcaster, hw help tiktoker in between his satire of normal alpha tiktokers

half of these things are like copy and pasted from our conversation btw so dont blame me for them

[tayfabe75]

I’ve been wanting to get these thoughts out and found your page. I was bored and looked into the Taylor jet tracker for about a month and remember I found it odd that she flew back to NYC inbetween Buenos Aires and Rio. I’m a fan of The 1975 and went to their second MSG show. I noticed her jet flew out of NYC after the show ended, which just seemed odd to me and I joked that maybe Taylor was there in secret. However, Matty ranted about not being nominated for the Grammys and talked about how Kanye was his hero minus the antisemitism because he’s confident about his art. We all know that Kanye is a hurtful topic to Taylor and it seemed pointed for Matty to say that, plus Gabbriette was at the show, so I dismissed the weird plane movement as a coincidence. If Tayfabe is legitimate, what purpose would complementing Kanye serve? IMO if they were to plan a narrative that would allow them to get back together publicly, then a redemption arc for Matty would make sense, but I don’t see that being attempted much apart from some half sincere apologies on stage. I’m definitely open to the theory, just trying to understand how Matty’s comments/posts fit into it. I remember he also talked about that podcast host who said mean things about Taylor’s ED years ago and said she was sweet and misunderstood. It’s moments like this that make me scratch my head and dismiss all the other evidence.

Hi anon! Yes, Taylor mysteriously popped up in NYC between Argentina and Brazil, with Gracie Abrams, no less (who, interestingly enough, once covered 'Somebody Else' for 'The 1975 Takeover' of The Face).

The MSG shows were also notorious for this poster:

Which is kind of giving:

And MSG had the flowers during Be My Mistake, as well as the Robbers shirt, appearances by Tim and Carly, and the full LIIWMI dance. Big shows!

For me, their current partners are not super significant in my theorizing. So, their presence anywhere, for me personally, does not indicate much other than that Taylor and Matty want to be seen with them and want to look as if they've moved on. If all eyes are on the current partner, then no one is looking in the stands.

When it comes to Kanye… Oh boy. Where do I begin? I guess here: You said "We all know that Kanye is a hurtful topic" - do we know that? Or do we assume it based on Reputation? See, Taylor doesn't really confirm who her songs are about, but one of the few songs she did seem to confirm was that 'Innocent' was about Kanye:

Swift premiered this song about Kanye West at the scene of the crime-the MTV Music Video Awards. "I think a lot of people expected me to write a song about him. But for me it was important to write a song to him."

I can't personally reconcile Innocent and LWYMMD both being about Kanye West. LWYMMD seems more like it's about the media perception of her beef. Blank Space's big sister:

At the end of the day, Taylor and Kanye both benefitted from their second "feud", in the 'no publicity is bad publicity' sort of way. Now, if I base my theories largely off of Brad Troemel's work, and Brad then insinuates that celebrity feuds happen on purpose, then I have to question the legitimacy of the 2016-era feud.

Perhaps, like Matty, Kanye West is someone who doesn't mind being a pretend supervillain. Though, since then, Kanye has veered off course a little bit, something Matty talked about on the Ion Pack podcast here:

"The thing that bums me out with Kanye is that like, he's obviously somebody who is dealing with grief and has mental health issues. That's not an excuse to do antisemitism. It's not really, is it? … I'm all for the kind of Kaufman-esque or Warholian-esque blurring of boundaries - if you can do something in a film, why can't you do it in real life? - like his belief that him and Kim are like the kind of ultimate piece of art of the past decade and stuff like that. I mean, it's a fair argument or whatever, but like, there's stuff that's more important than art. Like people. People are more important than art. And there's kids involved in this artistic expression. That's what fucking pisses me off. If I was a kid, and I was having like, high art concepts of what reality is forced on me by my dad, I'd be really scared. Because I just wanna know what reality is. Like when I saw The Truman Show at ten years old, that was enough to fuck me up. I had to check that my parents were my parents. When you're a kid your imagination is so insane. Like, be an artist, be an adult. But let kids be kids. You've got to draw a line when you're being a conceptual artist, like when you're hurting people. Because it's just not fucking worth it. Art's not worth hurting people. A lot of artists get lost in the kind of, I've done it - basically being an asshole, because I was doing something artistic."

I'd be willing to bet that if Kanye truly is suffering from mental health issues, Taylor would probably agree with what Matty said on stage - that he is a great artist apart from the antisemitism. Is that not… a perfectly 'acceptable' take? Do you genuinely feel like Matty needs to be either punished or 'redeemed' for a couple comments about Kanye West? You think he and Taylor really never talked about any of that in person? I know people think I make a lot of weird assumptions, but I have to say that I find everyone else's assumptions equally strange.

In the world of 'Tayfabe', Matty and Taylor are currently acting out "a contest of who can act like they care less" - so I don't personally see how on-stage Kanye comments even conflict with the theory whatsoever - especially in that I don't assume Matty's words to be said with malintent (well, for anyone other than the grammys). So let's investigate Matty's exact quote and see if he was, indeed, trying to specifically insult or hurt Taylor:

"The fact that we didn't get nominated for a grammy is a fucking outrage. And the thing is, the reason people don't say that is 'cause it's not a very tasteful thing to say. But I'm way past tasteful. Are you fucking mental? Brief Inquiry, I Like It When You Sleep, nothing. Fuck off! Dickheads. What the fuck are they on about? I mean 'About You' just on its own merits deserves a fucking grammy. I mean, I don't really care that much, but it just winds me up. I'll tell you what. Tell me of anybody who's been nominated in the past four years. You know what? I'm not being self-celebratory, but Kanye is one of my heroes. You know what? You gotta fucking believe in yourself. That's an awkward hero to have right now. I understand that but separate the antisemitism. Just think about the self-belief (audience boos and Matty laughs). And the truth is - No! Just tell me. Literally, tell me one band in the past four years that could do what we're gonna do in the next three minutes."

See, I didn't get a lick of Taylor shade from any of that. What I got was Matty ranting about a grammy snub and gassing up his band. At the risk of sounding arrogant, he alludes to Kanye's many comments throughout the years about his self-professed genius, such as my personal favorite: "My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live."

But, Anon, if you truly believe that Matty called Kanye his hero not because Kanye is a loud and proud confident artist, but in the sense that he admires how Kanye treated Taylor, can I ask why you even want them together?

And truly, has Matty not apologized enough for you? Ice Spice accepted his apology. Did he really offend you so deeply that he needs to keep apologizing for jokes that happened almost a year ago? If so, might I ask what would be a suitable 'punishment' would be? Because I listened to the dreaded podcast and I heard Adam make the Ice Spice joke, and it was Adam that named the porn website (American accent) and Matty unfortunately leaned into it and carried on with his story. I fail to see the 'crimes' here that he must still be flagellated for. Bad taste? Ignorance? Oh sure. Roll your eyes and carry on. Stop supporting The 1975 if you must. But what else, really, must be atoned for? As for Red Scare, again, I beg - is Matty responsible for everything anyone he's ever associated with has said? If so, Charli XCX is a fan of Red Scare and once collaborated with Dasha. Perhaps she deserves the stocks, too? I listened to that Red Scare episode too. I heard a pair of judgmental girls projecting their insecurities onto Taylor. Maybe someone can be sweet and misunderstood and still say ugly things about a celebrity. Truly, have you never done it? I'm sure I have. I try not to now, but the best we can do is hope that people learn from their mistakes, rather than expect them to be born perfect and never make one.

Here's a good article that I hope will shed some light on why Matty isn't interested in apologizing ad infinitum or being a pawn in the culture wars. As a bleeding heart liberal myself who is frankly disgusted by what culture has become, I believe Matty Healy is lightyears ahead of everyone else on the 'woke' front.

[spynorth]

I know you and I have discussed this a lot, but for the sake of posterity and for the understanding of your followers, will you talk about what it is you disagree with when it comes to Lucas/John in popular "fanon" and why you disagree?

I've been so lazy that I haven't wanted to do this but I can't think of anything else so here we go. There was a .. movement? what would you call it??.. when series 9 of spooks aired (along with quite a few years after) that was prevalent here on tumblr with the personals where people would have things like i believe in lucas north and lucas north lives and even back then when I had no thoughts whatsoever as to character complexity and how much fun it is to dive into things... it just felt so wrong to me. So basically a hugely popular fanon idea is that the writers intended for Lucas to have a split identity .. and tbh I think that is nothing more than fan attempts to reconcile the idea that this pretty white boy fave of a character is suddenly found out to be a lying, manipulative, terrorist. And I get that emotion behind the discovery and also find it really ironic because I don't know if fans of the show are putting two and two together that the characters that are his colleagues are probably feeling the exact same way? In fact, there's ample evidence that that's the case. But anyways, i guess my unpopular anti-fanon belief (so essentially the essence of what i disagree with when it comes to their ideas) is that Lucas is not excusable. He does not have remorse. He did not forget that he did what he did and sudden have some jekyll and hyde reawakening. He is very much aware. I'm gonna go through each ep in series 9 to bring up the aspects that make me think that, and I'll be sure to include the counter arguments for certain parts too. I'm gonna include links to the episode and timestamps for each point made but I don't think it works in countries outside the us so I apologize for that.

A little disclaimer that I hit the limit so I will have to make a separate post in regards to my evidence from episode 8. i apologize.

Episode 1

This one starts off pretty much like any other. You kind of get the vibe that the whole trauma of harry + ruth is gonna be the main focus but during the last 1:49 vaughn enters the chat and it get so fucking interesting. So if you watch the episode (linked above in the heading) and get to 56:17, the following interactions begins:

Vaughn: It's not really you, is it?

Lucas seems very confused here at first. There's a little indulgent smile and a shake of his head that does give off that vibe of 'who the fuck are you?' so I get why people tend to argue that he doesn't recognize him. But it's important to remember that in the next camera angle we see vaughn step out of the shadows and towards him.

Vaughn: 15 years and you look just the same. Seems terribly unfair. Lucas: Get away from me.

Alright, pause. I mean. could he just be freaked out by a dude who is talking like he knows him and invading his space given his past trauma being incarcerated during an operation? of course. But the way he steps back, that body language, that expression...I don't always believe that RA is the best actor (esp when it comes to voice inflection etc) but he really does sell series 9 of lucas for me with the slight gestures etc and this is where that really begins. During this conversation, Lucas circles around Vaughn, shoulders straight and square. He's ready for a fight. They talk a bit and at mark 56:46, there's the following:

lucas: whatever it is you want, vaughn, you're not getting it from me.

A few things I love about this line as far as what I use to justify my opinion about this arc (is it opinion when its glaringly obvious? idk idk) are that 1) it shows he does in fact know him and 2) the way lucas' voice cracks in a moment of what i can only assume is apprehension and a bit of fear blended with the phrasing ("you're not getting it from me.") really feels like lucas knows exactly whats up. he has one fear in regards to this situation and he's really fucking hoping he's wrong. but. alas. When vaughn claims to be giving up, says he's going to leave him alone, lucas swallows three times. I'm a swallower. in a non dirty way. But when I'm trying to release tension, especially tension in regards to anxiety in relation to a situation that could really bite me in the ass .. I also swallow it down. That's where the phrase swallow your fear came from actually. the physical tendency that people have to do that in situations such as this. But anyways, Lucas is trying to relax, to take control of his discomfiture, but Vaughn delivers some great parting lines and I think Lucas' reactions to those alone negate the whole he didn't know thing, but I'm still gonna go episode by episode because I love research papers.

Vaughn: just tell me one thing. I'm too curious. what's it been like? Lucas: what's what been like? Vaughn: Being lucas north, of course.

THAT IS THE MOST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE COMMENT. (57:15 if you need specifics) And Lucas looks at him with an expression that I will admit is a bit unreadable. But I think it can be inferred to be like oh please god don't let this go where I think it's going because of his reaction to Vaughn's final parting comment of "Good to see you, john." Lucas isn't confused by that comment. He swallows and closes his eyes and clenches his fist because the one person that can make his carefully constructed lie tighten around his neck has just played his cards and showed that he has no trouble doing so. It's not confusion that crosses Lucas's face. It's sheer fucking panic. You don't have to look wild eyed and sweaty to be in a state of terror. In fact, deer in the headlights is a very real thing and I think we get a great glimpse of that here.

Episode 2.

There is a lot I could say about this episode in regards to his development and the fleshing out of his backstory as far as his canon background with maya goes but I'm keeping this strictly about the things that make me believe he is a fucking manipulative mastermind and not rehashing his whole story. So yeah, if you know the show, I'm leaving things about. but his attempt at rekindling a romantic relationship with her has nothing to do (right now in the series at least) with evidence that is knowingly lying and 100% aware of the bombing of dakar and the part he played etc etc. In short, the only thing I can really say about this episode in regards to proof of what he was doing, is that he uses the idea that he's arguing for beth's reinstatement as a way to tack on asking harry for the level a clearance he needs in order to look into what vaughn might possibly be after. He does have the following conversation with maya (56:49).

lucas: maya, when i was in africa, something happened. i couldn't risk bringing it home to you. i couldn't.

I have a lot i could say about lucas and the unhealthy relationship with maya (in regards to the way he treats her etc) but I don't know if i'll ever waste my time considering she isn't featured on this blog... but if i did..it would be in another post. My main reason for including the above quote is because, though ambiguous, it does give another hint that he is well aware something happened when he was in africa before joining mi5 (pre lucas north, if you will). I said ambiguous because I know there's a vibe of well he didn't know what part he played in it due to forgotten memories via trauma and like .. ok. I'll bite. for now, we'll say it's ambiguous. But I'm including it seeing as how I will refer to it in the future of this post.

Episode 3.

This is a fun episode for me because it really paints a pic of how dedicated Lucas is too painting whatever picture he needs to achieve his goals, and it does it through a scene with him and Maya. Twelve minutes in to the beginning, he gives her a call. Tells her he's ready to come clean. Direct quote is "I want to tell you everything. Tonight." A lot of shit goes down in the episode (i mean, it's a spy show. it cant all be double life rogue agent soap opera stuff, right?) and eventually at the 55:30 mark, we get a scene where maya visits his flat. Soooo Important and I really want to break the whole thing down but I think I'm gonna do the whole transcription first and then attack it point by point.

maya: you lie to me and i swear you will never see me again. lucas: okay. come in. maya: why did you let me believe you were dead? lucas: alright. i went to prison for eight years. Is that good enough? maya: prison? Why, did you kill someone? lucas: no. maya: did you hurt someone, then? lucas: no. maya: I suppose you're innocent? lucas: no. maya: Why did you decide to turn up now? lucas: a photograph of you. all those years I'd spent trying to forget, they just fell away. I had to see you. maya: is that true? lucas: every word.

Alright. *rubs my hands together*. This is so fantastic. And I am coming at this not just as someone who has tried to do research on the whim of his own vibe, but also as someone who knows the strategies for lying, knows the dedication to the tiniest of details that you have to remember. One of the most important strategies in crafting a believable story and wanting to win the other person over, is telling just enough truth to make the lie not a lie. What do I mean? Take the above conversation for example. From the very beginning, maya is straight forward and up front with what she wants of him and Lucas seemingly agrees - but straight out of the gate he is lying by definition of omitting the truth. He did not let her believe he was dead because he was in prison. Lucas was incarcerated while on a mission in Russia for mi5. He had already abandoned maya and essentially played dead but by referencing both the incarceration and the time length with no other details, he allows her to fill in the gaps. We can assume based on her reactions and further questions, that she associates this answer with the one I cited above in episode 2. It would be a logical jump on her part to tie him saying he was in prison for eight years as being related to the thing he told her that he hadn't wanted to bring home to her. Which .. it wasn't. It wasn't at all. so. That's lie 1. He continues to lie by omission as the conversation continues. She asks if he hurt someone or killed them. He answers no. Technically not a lie since being found out during a covert operation wasn't directly related to him killing or harming anyone, but he is allowing his answers to be tied into his prison answer which, as discussed, was not actually why he was gone at all. So, Lies 2 and 3. The fourth and final lie (in this scene anyways) is his declaration that every word is true. Is it? in a way, yes. but only because he knows how to spin it. he knows how to lie without lying. a perfect unraveling of the truth. Oof. Lucas..my boy ... oof.

Episode 4

We start off with a shot of lucas and maya in his bedroom (aw. romance in falsehoods. i love it) and as he begins to get ready for work after mi5 calls him, the following happens:

maya: i don't even know what you do, john. lucas: private security consultant.

MAN. Man oh man. I love that we are staying true to that whole tell me the truth and nothing but the truth thing. Granted, granted, I am not a polarizing asshole and I do understand that hes in mi5 and that whole secrecy and lying thing comes with the territory but damn is he good at it. that fucker didn't even hesitate. but anyways, this is a great point to show that he is still a lying liar who lies. Anyways, the show goes on - ooh spy stuff. I forgot this show actually dealt with spy stuff. I've been caught up in the liar liar pants on fire plotine of it all - and at 20:47 (in the middle of an operation. pesky career. getting in the way of everything) vaughn calls lucas on his mobile. he tells him he wants him to retrieve a file (albany) and ends the call with:

vaughn: please. they won't leave me alone. do this for me and i'm gone. forever. you can carry on with whatever life you want.

Lucas understandably has a meltdown after he hangs up (no music, distorted camera, he's grabbing his hair. it's all very bbc one drama of them) but again, we have that declaration of vaughn that i think is so important. with whatever life you want. lucas doesnt question this. he's not like 'yo jorah, what the fuck are you on about? go back to dany." (granted asoiaf was in the future but i mean. let me have this joke). like he doesn't act liek its cryptic at all. he is straight up like ahhhhhh and pulls at his hair until he resembles albert einstein. boy knows.

So then more spy show (whyyyy. i'm trying to watch this character deconstruct at the most base of levels. why must you show me actual spy right now) until we get to a scene at 22:01. Lucas is in the grid's data vault. it's literally big white letters that flash across the screen. Thames House Data Vault. they do not want you to miss it. bbc really went: insert giant gif of waving red flag here. So anyways, king of the boy scouts is in the data vault. it's very data vaulty. lots of flashing lights and giant monitors. just what i've always imagined a data vault to me. he has a moment where hes like .. no .. no .. i cant (i think they missed a chance for a dramatic instrumental here personally) and the show goes on until he returns to the vault at 34:56 and he basically uses the system to rewrite it, bypass some firewalls and grabs albany while using another employee's credentials to make it look like he accessed it instead of lucas. that throne of lies is just getting more ornate. His colleague ruth catches him out as he leaves. That's important later. but the conversation they have at the time is pertaining to their current operation and she doesnt mention the data vault. anyways, he meets vaughn to deliver albany at 42:01 and the following occurs:

vaughn: hope you covered your tracks. did you use a fall guy? course you did. didn't have to do that, of course. you could have taken a risk. talked your way out of it. harry pearce would have believed you. still, better to be safe than sorry. best to set someone up. whose life did you ruin today, john? lucas: look, i did what you asked. I helped you. Now you and I are done. vaughn: you didn't do this for me. you did this for you.

I mean, vaughn is so accurate. In all of this. Lucas could have probably talked to harry. in fact, I think that's what the 'lucas north' people believed he was would have done if he was staying true to the role he had been playing. but he didn't. know why? because taking the gamble of talking your way out of something like this would mean he was taking the gamble of a lot of his secrets coming to light. to a liar who has so carefully constructed a web like his, you don't want to risk a single strand. and the whose life did you ruin today, john? just fucking kills me every time. And that comes back to roost later in the episode when the operation of the day has been wrapped up and an interaction with the team back at home base in the grid happens. ruth asks everyone if they know of a stephen owen from section g who is being accused of stealing files and corrupting the data system. She looks right at Lucas and is like "he's only 22. he'll serve time for that". She knew something was up. Which is proved later, but we'll get to that. anyways, boy george still didn't come clean.

Episode 5

this episode literally has nothing to do with proving lucas is an asshole but the ending of this episode at 57:37 when he goes to visit maya and she mentions that her boyfriend is there AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE VAUGHN MAKES ME LAUGH EVERY FUCKING TIME LIKE WELL PLAYED MY LITTLE CREATURE BLACKMAILER MAN. fuck what a douchebag i love it.

Episode 6

THIS EPISODE IS MY FAVORITE IN REGARDS TO THE LUCAS IS NOT INNOCENT DISPLAYS OF TERMINAL DOUCHEBAGGERY. I'm gonna try to not use capslock during this whole thing. There's so much I want to say about the entire mindfuck that is the last scene I mentioned above but .. deep breath...that's not important. I will admit that I do have a bit of an emotional tug for lucas because god I can feel that terror. I've been there. That feeling of everything falling down, it's becoming too much. Which comes up later in this ep. So anyways, a lot of shit happens (this episode is actually one of my favorites) and it all involves lucas trying to be a douche canoe for vaughn while also doing his job .. which ... mult tasking is clearly not his good point. At one point he stops by the house of a retired colleague to pick up the supposed actual albany file (the location was found using the file that lucas got for vaughn originally). he has an asset with him while it happens named danielle. he leaves her in the car. she knows something shady is up. she snoops. shit once again goes all spy drama on us and we're suddenly at the ending scene with danielle shot in the neck and lucas claiming to get help. This is actually a really emotional scene for me. I don't know why. you know when you get that heavy feeling in your chest because a scene is just so weighted? yeah. i feel that tug every time. But at 47:09, we get this:

lucas: let me see. danielle: it's bad, right? lucas:danielle: hey, look at you. you didn't lie. lucas: yeah, keep the pressure on. really tight. danielle: oh, please don't let me die. please. I won't say anything. I won't tell no one what happened. Just don't let me die. lucas: I'm not gonna let you die. I'm gonna call you an ambulance.

So he gets up and he actually does dial emergency services. But as he is digging for the dead gunman's phone and dialing said emergency services, danielle keeps speaking.

danielle: I.. I promise I won't tell them about the house. About albany....

Lucas looks at her, pretty fucking stricken in his expression and as the mobile phone is on speaker, we hear the whole emergency services, which service do you require? hello? and about 30 seconds go by where lucas is watching danielle bleed until he presses the button on the phone (hanging it up) and pretends to give their location. I've seen people argue that he just took it off speaker but at 48:20 he puts the phone right next to her, zoomed in on by the camera, without pressing any other buttons.. and it is entirely too obvious that the fucking thing is not on the line with anyone. And then my fucking heart gets ripped out because someone at bbc got wise in the use of soundtracks and the most emotional music plays while lucas gathers danielle up in his arms and offers to put pressure on her wound for her. The camera zooms in and shows him moving his fingers away, allowing her to bleed out. Besides just destroying my soul emotionally, this scene really cements to me that bubba ain't got no qualms about lying to protect his own ass. just saying.

it ends with ruth admitting to harry that she has put a keystroke intercept on lucas' computer because she doesn't trust him due to him suddenly acting erratically. It cuts back to lucas who is getting a phone call from vaughn saying the albany file he just delivered in this episode is a fake. Now, at 57:38 he goes into the colleague he visited earlier's (now) empty flat and starts rubbing at his neck because he isn't sure where to go or what to do next. he's uncomfortable, clearly. The show also does its first distorted and blurred image of him before showing him lose it and people sort of cite this as some beginning of a jekyll and hyde breakdown? and this seems to be where the beginning of the whole theory comes into play? which. no. false. shut up janice. it's a camera angle meant to show he is LOSING IT in the sense his entire fucking world is threatened. The house of cards is beginning to tumble. the desperation is coming out.

**NOW. THE IMPORTANT EPISODES. THE FINAL COUNTDOWN** A few notes if i can. There is a lot of things I'm going to go over in these two episodes. A lot of misconceptions I will point out and disagree with. Forensic psychology research combined with a good ol' healthy dose of lessons in not taking everything at face value is really helpful here. If you read nothing out of this entire thing, please read these two sections.

episode 7

I'm cutting to scenes because we don't have time for explanations so if you want more context, definitely watch because this and 8 are so good. anyways. There's a scene where beth (another agent) follows lucas to a park where he meets and attempts to kill vaughn. Beth stops him and he points his weapon at herThe following conversation happens (26:55):

beth: you won't kill me. I know you won't. lucas: you don't know anything about me. beth: maybe not. but I've seen you risk your life to save others. And I believe in you. We all do.

this is a fantastic exchange because it brings up a really good point i want to make about pathological liars. the ability allows you to fit into any role. his ability to fully embrace the falsehood that is him being lucas north has created doubt in his colleagues when it comes to believing him capable of horrible things. they are ready to accept his innocence, his explanations... which is shown in the conversation where lucas 'comes clean' (i use the term so loosely here) to harry pearce in a later scene.

It begins at 30:18.

harry: one lucas north in dakar i can accept. two is stretching credibility. who is he, lucas? lucas: listen, harry. I know this looks suspicious. harry: somewhat.

There's a pause while lucas sighs and shakes his head, takes a few deep breaths. Overwhelmed by admitting his guilt? Or is he using that act in the means of buying precious seconds to figure out a plan? your opinion.

harry: let me be clear. the dakar bombing happened on my watch. seventeen people were killed on that day. And for 15 years they've gone without justice. So, you do not leave this room until you explain the full extent of your involvement in that atrocity. Do you understand?

I'm gonna cut in super quick just to say that at this point, Lucas flips over the picture that harry has given him of the real lucas north so that it is no longer face up. guilt? maybe. I also think it can be a way of not having anything that represents the truth staring at him in order to help him pull off his story (which my reasoning for this will be cited a bit further down)

lucas: My name isn't Lucas North. My name's John Bateman. harry: damn you. damn you! God knows I've had my share of betrayals. But not you. lucas: i'm sorry. harry: why were you in dakar? lucas: At university I fell in with a guy that fancied himself as a big time drugs dealer. He was shipping cannabis from dakar to hamburg. he asked me to go with him. harry: which you did. lucas: which i did. of course, idiots that we were, we got caught. luckily, the military police were open to persuasion. they took the drugs, they took everything. I was stranded in Dakar with no ticket home, no passport. I needed to pay my way back and I'd done some croupier work back in the uk, so i got a job in a casino. and thats where i met vaughn edwards. he was a regular. he said he worked in the exports business. he was always lucky. he seemed to have everything, I admit I was impressed.

I'm going to cut in here and add a little note that the quote about being impressed by vaughn ties in nicely to the post i made about john's background (a lot of it is just me fleshing out the faint lines canon gives us) and his desire to feel special which can be found here. Continuing the scene with harry ...

lucas: we met by chance a few times. or at least i thought it was by chance. he took an interest in me. eventually, he told me what he really did. small deniable errands for the british government. he asked me if i wanted in. i said yes. harry: what sort of errands did you run for vaughn? lucas: courier work, mostly. taking briefcases to people, places. I never asked what was in them. it was exciting, at first, and very well paid. harry: and you had no qualms about what you might be doing? lucas: vaughn told me that we were working indirectly for the uk government. i believed him. harry: it suited you to believe him. lucas: yeah, maybe. In those days, my morality was fluid.

I'm gonna stop right here and say - IN THOSE DAYS?? boy you just let a woman die in the previous episode. get the fuck out. So obviously right then and there, we get the vibe (the knowledge? its more than a vibe) that lucas is lying. this whole conversation so far has been a manipulation tactic. he is CLEARLY laying the blame on vaughn and setting himself up as the easily manipulated younger man who thought he was doing the right thing. but anyways. we continue.

lucas: .. but then there was lucas north. he worked in the casino bar. he was the only other Brit on the staff. I think he'd had a tough life, but he was clever, funny. And we became friends. I thought he was just another drifter, but he was in Dakar for a reason. harry: which was? lucas: spies. harry: why? what was the interest? lucas: vaughn. he knew all about vaughn. he knew he was a mercenary, he told me to walk away from him. I didn't want to hear that. harry: you're evading the question. why was he so interested in the intelligence community? lucas: because he was going to join MI5. harry: oh, please tell me this isn't going where I think it's going. lucas: he'd already got through the first round. and all the background checks were cleared. the only thing left was the face-to-face. he really loved his country, you know. I used to laugh at him for that. But he already knew something that it took me 15 years to find out. I'd made more than enough money. I was all ready to come back to the uk. but vaughn asked me to do one more job. it was more money than all the others combined. harry: what was the job? lucas: harry .. harry: what. was. the job. lucas: to take a package. to deliver a package. to the british embassy in dakar.

Alright first off, if you watch the question and answer scene and get to this part, he is fake crying. RA can do a good pretend job of crying in his roles. this is very obvious fake crying. He is making his voice quaver and he is covering his mouth which is a gesture used by people in the midst of lying or trying to convey emotion they might otherwise not be feeling. On top of that, I believe the quiet saying of harry's name when harry questions him on the nature of job is also a move well done on lucas' part. He goes on and talks about the aftermath of the bomb, in very emotional detail. The flashback scene as he tells it shows him leaving a suitcase in the embassy and leaving, quickly cutting to a few minutes later where he appears to be looking on in horror at the aftermath. It leaves it ambiguous and open. Much like harry, we are left to believe that he was manipulated, that he had no idea .. and I think this is one of the biggest instances that fanon latches onto.

He goes on and describes a panicked horror caused by the trauma of being involved in such a thing, which is believable, yes. He explains that when the real lucas confronted him about the bombing, vaughn shot him dead and urged lucas to hurry and grab the other man's passport. that they needed to leave the country asap.

Again, I'm reiterating that I believe this to be a ploy by a liar out to save his own skin. I will explain a bit further in a few minutes. He ends the conversation with harry in a fit of ethos and pathos style arguments. He appeals to the older man as the false colleague and friend that he thought he knew. relies on that camarderie that's been built up over the years to pull him through. I will give the specific quotes I am talking about without worrying about harry's comments between.

lucas: come on, what do you want me to say harry? i'm trying to be honest with you. yes, i'd like to tell you that i felt something as normal as anger. That some sudden surge of nobility meant that i didn't take that passport, I didn't go to the docks and I didn't run for my miserable life. I'd like to say anything that would take that look of utter contempt out of your eyes. so, please, don't tempt me.

lucas: all you have to do is trust that I want to get out of this mess. and this is my only chance. By finding Vaughn. now, this may not mean much, but you know that i've put my life on the line for this country, you know that. i tried to do all the good that lucas would have done if he'd lived. That's never been a lie. that's the deal that i make with him every single day.

that irritates me so much because it is such obvious BS but anyways. harry does allow lucas to leave and he ends up finding vaughn. They have the following conversation before Vaughn's death. (50:10)

lucas: i told them. vaughn: you told them? lucas: everything. vaughn: oh, i doubt that. I doubt that very much. what did you tell them, john?

So it once more shows flashbacks as similar to the conversation with harry, but this time we are shown that lucas knew the suitcase he took to the embassy was a bomb. He was shown how it worked along with how to detonate it.

vaughn: did you tell them that you didn't know? oh, no. no, i know what you did. you told them it was me. didn't you?

Again, we build the throne of lies ever higher because the memory sequence now shows lucas strangling the real lucas north. it wasn't vaughn at all. And I'd like to reiterate for a moment the fact that strangling takes so much effort and dedication. lucas struggled against john, he fought. John had to hold on while his friend fought for his life. he could have stopped at any time, could have let the struggles appeal to some humanity inside him - but no. he didn't. he was determined to save himself.

vaughn: I wonder if you can even remember the truth of what you were? you're a killer john. who fell asleep, dreamed he was a hero. but, now its time to wake up and remember the truth. the dream is over now. and the killer .. is awake.

alright, so. This paragraph right here is the one everybody uses to sort of build up this repressed trauma memory theory and argue that theres a fracture in his psyche and this battle between lucas vs john comes into play. I get it, I do. memories repressed because of trauma are a very real thing and so is fractured identity in regards to ptsd but I'm immediately throwing that out because the only way to possibly have a fractured identity that results in two personas is through DID. and lucas does not have that and if he did, the show would have handled it poorly. i'm not even fucking touching that. I want to start with the first line of this quote. I wonder if you can even remember the truth of what you were? I don't personally believe that the metaphor of falling asleep and dreaming is referring to actually repressing anything?? It is my belief that this is referring to a very real thing that happens when you build your existence around a multitude of lies. I've said it in a few posts already, but I've lived the alternate life to hide from things. I've gone that route. Obviously not to the murdered my friend and stole his identity sense, but I have crafted a fake life that totally had people going for 16 years until i finally said fuck it and told my parents the truth. There's a thing about constructing those lives. You have to convince your brain that certain things are real. You know they are lies, you never forget it .. but at some point you begin to doubt yourself. You add details to the lies, little nuances to make them more complex and suddenly you can't remember if thats how it happened or not. It is easy to lie to yourself about the truth and I think that is what vaughn is referring to. not that lucas actually forgot. and I personally believe that the dreaming metaphor has more to do with pretending, with the fact that lucas found sanctuary in this new life but now everything has been found out. And the killer is awake is a nice punctuation mark to the fact that once again lucas north is acting out the events of dakar. he kills vaughn, the only link to the truth, much like he killed the original lucas. he is a liar. this is his true personality, his nature. its not a dr jekyll mr hyde thing.

there is a quote that goes around a lot from richard armitage which bugs the fuck out of me because people use it out of context but the one fans of lucas love to use is the following:

 "Suddenly, it’s like an awakening and … it’s like John Bateman starts to kind of wake up and say, “Hang on, what about me?”

I just. this makes me want to pull my fucking hair out. it's not literal. richard has even said that its not literal but i think people like to plug their fingers into their ears and sing their white boy apologist theme songs. But anyways, this quote, in my opinion, is a reference to what happens when that exterior you put on for other people starts to give way to the base instinct that is the core of your own individual personality. I am a friendly person. Most people on this site I'm fairly certain would agree with that. I'm easy to get along with, I'm charismatic, I'm chill...and I've learned how to use those qualities to my advantage over the years off tumblr. I can be a horribly mean person. We all can, i think. but the base character of my personality is an arrogant egoist with extreme narcissistic tendencies. extreme. I work at it. I don't let that be all that i am. I go to therapy. I have a support system that helps me realize when I'm doing wrong. But my base personlity - the john bateman to my lucas north, if you will - is an asshole. and that will always be my instinct. and when something sets me off, my killer wakes up too.

[la-paritalienne]

x

[bopinion]

2021 / 39

Aperçu of the Week:

"...and when Kermit the Frog sang 'It's not easy being green', he was wrong..."

(Boris Johnson last wednesday at the UN General Assembly)

Bad News of the Week:

"Elect a clown - expect a circus". Sometimes it doesn't take extensive analysis, but just a popular bumper sticker to get to the heart of a political situation. The majority of Britons voted for Brexit. And for Boris Johnson. For most Europeans, these two facts are enough to shake their heads in incomprehension. And to wonder whether everything in the United Kingdom is still above board.

Much has happened on the island in recent months: The health care system lacks qualified specialists. Goods traffic is jammed at the borders because there is a shortage of customs officers. In the meat industry, the pigs are literally piling up because there is a shortage of skilled workers in the slaughterhouses. After empty shelves in supermarkets, gas stations have now also run out of products. Because? Exactly: there is a shortage of skilled workers. In this case, truck drivers. All jobs that don't necessarily require difficult university degrees and semesters abroad. They are normal, down-to-earth, solid jobs that are needed all over the world to keep the business running.

Stupidly, British policy and industry in these - among other! - industries did not pay attention to sufficient qualification in their own population, but relied on cheaper labor. Who came from where? From the unloved mainland, especially from Eastern and Southeastern Europe. No problem if you are a member of the European Union and thus benefit from the so-called "free movement of workers." After Brexit, however, that fell away and one got rid - finally, many Britons breathed a sigh of relief - of these troublesome foreigners. And got chaos in return. Congratulations!

What is sad about this is that it is a failure by design. Everyone saw this coming - everyone outside 10 Downing Street. The mission was called "Taking back control". But the result now, unfortunately, is loss of control. And I state this without any malice or gloating. As a citizen of a trading nation, I have always been concerned about a smooth economic structure across borders. And as a European - and above all a German - I greatly appreciate stable relations with our allies. But that's the way it is.

Currently, the upcoming Tory party conference is expected to be a jubilant event for the Brexit poster boy. He has kept his word. "Getting Brexit done" was his campaign promise. And he has delivered. Only apparently not only on the backs of the Northern Irish, the fishermen and farmers, and the financial district of London City, but also on the backs of all citizens. A little insight would do well. After all, without admitting one's own mistakes or misjudgments, it is difficult, if not impossible, to bring about lasting change. One can only wish the Prime Minister the courage and sovereignty to do so. The thanks of his own people and the entire continent would certainly go down well in the history books and in the everyday lives of the British...

Good News of the Week:

Germany has voted. And as predicted by me - as most political analysts ;-) - predicted, the result is only an intermediate one, as only a coalition of three parties can form a parliamentary majority. This is not only new in our political culture, but also a disaster or a blessing, depending on your point of view.

A disaster, because the political agenda for the coming legislative period is based on the coalition agreement, which usually turns out to be all the more unambitious the more different interests have struggled for common ground for its constitution. This is a blessing, since the more distant a participation model is from the principle of "the winner takes it all," the more it represents the wishes of a broader population. As I file this commentary under "Good News", it is not difficult to guess that after a long struggle of my inner voices, I have decided in favor of the latter. After all, no matter how tedious the day-to-day political business may be in a three-member constellation, it is far more democratic.

It is particularly worth mentioning how the "citrus coalition" (as the Liberals and the Greens have recently been dubbed because of their party colors) fulfill the role of what only seems to be the second guard with a will to shape policy. Because one thing is clear: regardless of whether the Social Democrats, who won by a razor-thin margin, or the conservatives, who were punished, manage to successfully form a government, it is the Yellows and the Greens who decide who moves into the chancellor's office; they are the kingmakers.

So these two parties have met for exploratory talks in the week that is drawing to a close to find common ground and build bridges over their differences. The lively debate culture is dominated by terms such as renewal, new beginnings and change, but also reliability, stability and future viability. Because that's what the Yellows and the Greens have in common: they have clearly positioned themselves against "business as usual," want to tackle the challenges of the coming years with active policies and not just manage the status quo. If they make this a non-negotiable basic requirement of their coalition talks, much will already have been gained.

P.S.: In Iceland, Prime Minister Jakobsdóttir's ruling coalition has been re-elected. But the big winners are the women as a whole: They now form the majority in parliament.

Personal happy Moment of the Week:

Last evening, or rather last night, my daughter made up for her 18th birthday, which was cancelled in the spring for obvious reasons. Besides the obvious fun she and her friends seemed to have, two aspects struck me as positive: First, they included a proverbial old friend with whom she had played in the nursery when she was just three years old. And secondly, she also invited her little brother, although he really has no business at a blooming party or at beer pong. But his mother doesn't necessarily have to know that... ;-)

I couldn't care less...

...that Armin Laschet, the leading candidate of the conservatives, even on election day delivered another laughing stock: he had not folded his own ballot paper correctly and thus in principle invalidated his own vote in front of the press. It seamlessly joins the ranks of non-existent professionalism, virtually no profile, meager program, poor preparation, lack of aplomb, imprecise positions, obvious weaknesses.... I could go on. Political commentators have blamed the election debacle (the lowest result in history!) mainly on the candidate. I'll go one step further: when an actually established political force with a solid record after personalities like Adenauer, Kohl and Merkel fixates on such a weak candidate, it doesn't belong to it any other way. Sorry.

As I write this...

...I'm glad that after all the political dominance of the last few weeks, at least in prime time, a pleasant normality is returning. Tonight, my doppelganger Klaus Borowski is investigating in a new episode of "Tatort" (crime scene).

[hipchub]

hi pls write a drabble abt harry and louis are in highschool and theyre boyfriends and beau is harry's lil sister and louis is so intimated by her glares that's why louis doesn't often go to harry's home and cue in beau liking louis after they did a food fight in anne's kitchen (this is based on bunboyfriend's (?) post and I want u to write it bc ur the love of my life)

this is so adorable and i probably can’t do it justice but i tried

based off of this post

“your tie looks like shit.” louis startled and turned around, groaning loudly in annoyance when he found his sister, lottie, slouched against his door frame, eyeing him. 

“i’m aware of that, thanks,” he snapped in agitation, twisting around to once again face his full-body mirror and fumble with the stiff fabric hugging his black-collared neck. he heard a shuffle behind him and watched mutely through the glass as lottie sauntered into the room and threw herself onto his unmade bed. 

“i don’t get why you’re so nervous. haven’t you two been dating for like… ever?” she asked, tilting her head, cocking an eyebrow, and resting her cheek on her fist. 

“we haven’t been dating ‘for like ever’,” louis said, huffing and pushing the tail of the tie over the poorly-made knot. “we’ve only been dating for two months and twenty-four days,” he paused while lottie groaned, “and i happen to be meeting his family—his whole family—tonight over dinner.” 

“so what? you’ve known him and his family for months, louis. it’s not like it’s that big of a deal.” she laid back on the mattress and strewn clothing, and stared up at the grease and ryan gosling posters shamelessly pinned to the ceiling. 

“occasionally saying ‘hi’ to his mum after spending most the night in his room is not the same as meeting his family,” louis said irritably. after failing for the tenth time to properly tie his tie, he groaned and yanked it from his neck. “if all you’re gonna do is judge me, then get out of my room,” he said angrily, glaring at her while he fixed the leafs of his collar. 

lottie stared blankly at him before pushing herself from the bed and walking out of the room. after his door shut, louis, through the wood, could hear her yell, “mum, louis kicked me out of his room because he’s too whipped for his stupid boyfriend to talk to me!”

an hour later, louis was stood in front of the styles’ door with a bouquet of red roses and an expensive bottle of chardonnay. he nervously threaded his fingers through his quaffed hair again despite his mother’s previous protests (“it looks lovely,” jay said after louis’ countless attempts to fix his hair, smiling fondly and gently straightening up louis’ collar. “you look lovely, boobear”). the cold breeze and onpouring snow made the eighteen-year-old shiver, and his nerves nearly convinced him to leave with the excuse of a cold he’d caught due of the awful, wintery weather. 

before he could second-guess himself again, the door was swinging open, warm air was pouring out and engulfing his frigid frame, and harry’s mum, a beautiful woman wearing a very festive apron, was standing in the doorway with a wide, welcoming smile etched on her face. “louis! come in, come in,” she said, opening the door wider and allowing him to step in. 

“hi, miss twist,” louis greeted sheepishly, shuffling inside and standing semi-awkwardly with his gifts in hand. 

“please, call me anne.” she smiled and kindly took his jacket, hanging it on the familiar coat stand beside the door. 

“um, this,” he stuck out the bottle of wine, “is for you…” 

anne graciously took the bottle and read the label. “thank you so much, louis.” before she could question him about the commute over in the subdue snow blizzard, however, harry began making his way down the stairs, calling out a rhetorical, “is he here?” a short moment later, harry’s fuzzysock-clad feet met the last step and his gaze met his finely-dressed boyfriend’s. 

stunning would be an understatement, louis thought when his eyes landed on harry, his gorgeous, utterly gorgeous boyfriend. “h,” he whispered in an almost inaudible greeting, breath quite literally stolen from him by the genuine reincarnation of aphrodite standing a few feet before him. “these, uh—these are for you,” louis said in a stammer, thrusting the bouquet forward and nervously tugging his bottom lip between his teeth. 

harry’s eyes widened and lit up, and, louis swears, not even the stars could compare. his shy smile was beautiful (as always), lips red-bitten and hands cautious as he took the bouquet and brought it to his nose, smelling the roses like some duchess in one of the many rom-coms harry’s had him watch. christ, louis was gone for him. 

“thank you,” harry said in awe, making no move to say anything else.

anne, seeing as the two could and would easily just continue to stare at each other for the rest of the night, cut in, throwing a smirk to harry’s older sister, gemma, at the dining table. “how about i put these in water for you, and you two can take a seat at the dinner table?” with gentle hands, she removed the flowers from harry’s grip and left towards the kitchen without receiving a reply. 

after a moment, louis shuffled forward and grabbed harry’s hand, taking a second to admire the nude nail polish, and smiled down at the boy. “you look lovely,” he whispered softly, eyeing the light purple knit sweater and black jeans. “made of lightening.” 

a pink dusting painted harry’s cheeks and he pushed at louis’ chest, hiding his blush behind his fist and his movement towards the table. “shut up,” he said, glancing back at the older boy and sitting opposite of his elder sister.

sitting down at the table across from harry’s younger sister, beau, the nerves flooded louis’ mind and body again, accompanied by a bouncing leg, clammy palms, and butterflies in his tummy. he would hate to ever admit that an innocent, little girl was the main cause for his anxiousness, but she was. 

the little curly-haired brunette was why harry and louis’ hangouts were usually at louis’ rather than harry’s, and, if they went to harry’s, the reason why it was usually later at night rather than in the evening when beau was awake. harry tried to get louis to admit to his fears after louis hastily shot down the idea of babysitting beau with harry one night, but louis flat-out refused. it wasn’t his fault beau’s glares and crossed arms intimidated him. harry tried to tell him it was beau’s way of protecting her big brother, and that she was actually a real sweetheart, but louis couldn’t stand the thought of harry’s family members hating him, hence the nerves. 

currently, as predicted, beau was making a foul face at louis, making him frown and shift his gaze to the generously-sized breadbasket before him. when harry’s hand landed on his denim-clad thigh, louis decided to make an effort to not let beau’s looks bother him, and just accept that she was only trying to protect her best friend (well, ‘best friend’ according to harry. apparently she was quite fond of a girl called naomi, but that’s none of louis’ business). 

when anne came back to the table moments later, she was accompanied by a large array of food as well as gemma, who’d preciously excused herself from an interesting conversation about her university in order to help her mum. harry and louis helped, too, laying the plates out onto the table while anne opened the bottle of chardonnay for her and gemma to enjoy. 

dishing out the food lasted about five minutes because of how much there was. louis’ plate resembled a rochester garbage plate; cornbread, chicken, bread, mashed potatoes, and macaroni lay on top of one another in a heap of butter, calories, and heaven. harry’s plate, as well as the rest of the family’s, mimicked his, and louis was honestly salivating; he couldn’t wait to dig in and experience the kind of stuffed that only usually happened on christmas day.

an hour and a half later, plates cleared off, room full of uplifted chatter between louis and harry’s family, and harry’s hand openly wrapped in louis’, louis’ nerves were gone. after the obvious shift in his mood whenever meeting beau’s scornful and pouty gaze (either that or the fact louis let her have the last bread roll), beau eased up a bit on her silent punishment for him. 

“well, i say we take this to the living room and have dessert?” anne suggested, starting to stand up and clear off the absolute clutter of dishes. 

being the oldest in a primarily female household and having been used to helping his mum out, louis was quick to his feet. “no, no, miss twist,” louis said, not missing the small protest of, “it’s anne,” from her. “let us take care of it.” 

upon their own request, harry and louis stacked and brought all the utensils, plates, and bowls into the kitchen (careful not to drop anything) and set up a system of washing (harry) and drying (louis) while gemma, anne, and beau situated themselves in the living room and looked for a family-friendly movie to watch. 

“so, that wasn’t too bad, hm?” harry asked with a cheeky smirk dancing on his lips after a few minutes of quietness.

“no, it wasn’t…” louis said, trailing off as he ran a towel over the inside of what was the mashed potatoes bowl. “it wasn’t bad at all. you were right, as usual.” 

“’as usual’,” harry repeated. 

“as usual,” louis said, looking at harry and smiling. “as usual you were right. as usual you look absolutely handsome. as usual i want to kiss you.” 

harry giggled and rolled his eyes, shutting off the water and placing the last plate in the dishrack. “what would i ever do without you, romeo?” harry said teasingly. 

“well, for one, you’d have to dry all these dishes by yourself,” louis said. harry laughed loudly and quickly kissed louis’ cheek (when louis tapped his lips, harry responded, “not in front of the children,” despite them being alone) before heading towards the living room. “get the dessert, please and thank you!” 

louis laughed and watched warmheartedly as harry walked from the room to join his family. he finished drying the dishes in a few minutes’ time, stacking them all beside the sink rack because the cabinets were foreign and he didn’t want to intrude, and neatly folding the towels back. he was carrying the dessert, a plate of skillfully blue frosted cupcakes, into the living room when beau barged into the kitchen and bumped into louis, causing him to drop almost half of the cupcakes (mainly onto her). 

louis stood, jaw dropped open in shock. “oh, my god,” he whispered, staring at beau’s frosting-covered cheeks and silk pajamas, and seeing his life flash before his eyes. “i am—i am so, so sorry, beau,” louis tried to apologize, turning to grab the roll of paper towel of its dispenser. except, louis hadn’t even been able reach the paper towel before he felt something small, dense, and wet impact his back. 

having a sneaking suspicion, louis reached behind him and dipped his fingers into the blue sugary substance that now tainted the back of his shirt. he knew who the culprit was, which was why he quickly darted to the opposite end of the kitchen, plate of remaining cupcakes in hand, and crouched behind the marble island. “this means war,” he called out, gathering some frosting onto his fingertips and painting two lines under each of his eyes.

when he got no reply, louis tried to briefly loom over the countertop to get a verdict, but a green-frosted cupcake—where the hell did she get those? —came whizzing past his face, grazing him only slightly, and hit the faucet behind him. louis ducked, un-necessarily rolling across the tile before reloading his ammo and grabbing another cupcake. he poked his head out from the side of the island and blindly threw a cupcake, hoping it’d hit his desired target. if the unexpected laugh and the childish taunt of, “you suck!” was anything to go by, he horribly missed. 

louis probably shouldn’t have started a cupcake war in the kitchen of his boyfriend’s house with said boyfriend’s little sister, but he figured he’d deal with the consequences later. he grabbed three more cupcakes and shouted, “fire away!” before throwing them all consecutively, rolling from his hideaway behind the cabinets and leaving himself out in the trenches. 

beau smiled faintly and ducked all the oncoming cupcakes, pelting her own back at the teenager. louis grunted and dodged two, but was stuck with the third and fourth, frosting drenching his face. the war continued for several minutes before louis was absolutely coated in cake, a mix of blue and green frosting, and christmas-themed sprinkles. 

“it’s a bloodbath,” he said, mock-crying as he fell backwards against the now-dirtied cabinets. “beau, if i don’t-” he coughed and spluttered, making beau giggle loudly in amusement, “-make it out alive… tell harry i, i-” 

“hey lou—what the…?” harry stood in the doorway staring at the dessert-covered scene in front of him, mouth agape and eyes open wide. 

“…oops?”