#my god dude. we wanted to give up early so bad but burden made us stay until our usual time hkjg

[silent-sentinels]

we gotta badly drive around in a parking lot for hours and then come home and eat beans for dinner, we are not livin la vida loca gang :/

[myuntoldstory]

Mystic Messenger | Unbridled Passion

AO3 | FF.net

A late Valentine's Day entry. Enjoy!

Rating: T

Pairing: Zen | Ryu Hyun/Main Character (Named)

Warning: N/A

Word Count: 8, 542

Summary: Zen is doing a lipstick ad! But he's doing it with a female model—all fine and good until he discovers who that female model is. What will he do? Will he maintain his professionalism or will he cast all that aside for a short fit of passion?

Unbridled Passion

Zen steps out of the studio with a sigh. Suddenly, his phone rings. Brows furrowing, he takes out his mobile and accepts the call without looking at the screen.

"Hello?"

"I have a job for you."

Tension sets in his shoulders at the voice.

“... CEO-in-line,” he says.

“You do know Elizabeth, yes? C&R’s makeup brand?”

Of course. Han Jumin only launched it last year. Despite its infancy, Elizabeth climbed up the top ten or five lists of any reputable name in any industry. Some say that that spoke of the trustworthiness of the company. In Zen’s opinion, it was a clear example of capitalist nepotism. The speculations surrounding the name were wild. Either Chairman Han named it after his new lover or his son had finally found a soulmate.

Oh, if only they knew…

“Yes,” he answers.

Jumin sighs.

Then, he fires off.

“We are launching a limited-edition collection for Valentine’s Day. The marketing team has made you their first choice to model for the lipstick line. I must emphasise that they’re hoping, avidly, that you are available.”

“Huh…” Zen mumbles in surprise. “Can’t say I’ve modelled for makeup before.”

“Ah… are you uncomfortable with wearing makeup?”

“Dude, seriously?” he snorts.

“Is that not a valid question?”

“No. Did you forget where I work? I wear makeup twenty-four-seven. I wear more makeup than most women in the world. I know it sounds unbelievable because my face is so handsome that it doesn’t need makeup, but—”

“Yes,” Jumin interrupts. “Thank you, I understand.”

Zen purses his lips. “So they want me to wear lipstick?”

“In a way.”

“In a way?”

“Your part in the campaign involves a female model—don’t ask me who. The team is still searching for your perfect partner. According to them, there are not many that can stand equally to your beauty.”

Zen laughs happily at that.

“Well, they’re not wrong.”

The sound that answers him is doubtful.

“I should sign up just for that,” he continues. “When is it, anyway?”

“Around late October.”

“Hmm…”

“Can you do it?"

"Hang on…”

Zen pulls out his planner from his bag. When he flicks to the calendar so many important dates already jump out at him. He has a few things in the pipeline for that month: variety shows, photoshoots, recordings, ad spots, and table reads. It’s not bursting, but it’s full enough. There are still a few days he can do… if Han Jumin is willing to adjust.

“Well…” he drawls, snapping the planner shut. “They did ask for me so it doesn’t feel right for me to reject it. I don’t have a lot of free days, though. Can I send you the details?”

“Send it to Jaehee.”

“Okay,” he says. “Then I’ll do it.”

“Excellent,” Jumin says. “We’ll talk. In the meantime, Jaehee will contact you with further information. Once everything’s locked in we’ll also arrange a meeting with you and the team to hash out the details.”

“Okay.”

“If you have any questions or need to discuss any concerns contact us first. We’ll do our best to sort it out. I must stress the importance of resolving any issues early on—this launch runs on a tight schedule.”

Zen nods. “Got it. I’ll call if I need anything.”

“Good.”

There’s shuffling noises on Jumin’s end. Zen senses the call is over.

“Thank you, Han Jumin,” he hurries to say.

“Of course.”

And the line cuts off.

Zen emerges from the bathroom, fresh and fluffy from a good shower and skincare regime. He hears the melodious sound of the piano filling the apartment and smiles. Venturing into the kitchen, he grabs a can of beer, snaps it open, and takes a generous swig. Then, he makes his way to the source of the music. When the melody transitions to the opening phrases of one of his songs, his smile widens.

Picking up the cue, he sings. Eventually, he sees the love of his life sitting before the digital piano. His gaze falls to her fingers, admiring the way they dance over the keys. When she turns to him and beams he just about melts. How beautiful she looks. The mere sight of her makes him feel at home. She comforts him and makes him want to do so many things to show his love for her.

Zen had spent so many years by himself. It was lonely, but he got used to it. Then, out of nowhere, she came in—beautiful, wonderful, kind, courageous, and so full of love. Little by little she carried the weight of his burden with him and made his barren days feel so alive. She took his hand and taught him many things, opening his eyes to the unyielding fact that he was not alone. There was no shame in asking for help, no shame in reaching out.

She taught him what love felt like again.

All kinds of love.

His heart. His Lux.

Zen sits next to her. She doesn't miss a beat and he doesn't falter. A feeling surges up from the base of his spine to the top of his head. It rises like a wave and crashes upon him in instantaneous epiphany. This is one of those important moments. They're creating a memory right now—one they'll remember and reminisce in the future. They might even recreate it from time to time. He smiles at the nostalgia that already fills him. He wraps his arm around her shoulders, twirling his fingers around the ends of her hair. Soon enough the song ends. Zen’s voice fades after Lux lifts her fingers.

“Your voice is so beautiful,” she sighs.

His cheeks warm at her heartfelt compliment.

“Aw, babe…”

“I can’t get enough of it.”

“Well, I can never get enough of your playing,” he quips.

“It’s not annoying?” she teases.

“Babe!” he gasps. “Never! How can you even think that? You make every song sound so beautiful. It’s magical—I feel every emotion so much that it sweeps me away.”

“Aw,” she chuckles.

“Also, your hands are super cute!”

He takes her hand, gently running his thumb across her knuckles.

“I love watching them dance…”

“Zen…”

He places the beer on the small table beside the piano. Then he returns to Lux, taking her by the chin and coaxing her to gaze at him. The deep brown of her eyes reminds him of damp earth after the rain. She’s looking at him in a way that pins him to the bench. His thumb traces the outline of her lips. At her shiver, he leans down and captures her mouth.

His heart pounds in his chest when she kisses back, her slender fingers circling his wrist. The utter softness of her lips never ceases to delight him. Just the feel of them is enough to tempt him, to urge him to sweep the tip of his tongue across the seam of her mouth. It takes him an effort not to push further. Any more and he’ll be unstoppable.

It’s too soon for his liking, but he tapers the kiss off. Zen opens his eyes just as Lux opens hers. Seeing them so dilated doesn’t surprise him; his must be too. Zen licks his lips to catch the last remnants of her, thumb tracing the edges of her mouth again. Gaze drifting down, he finds that they’re pinker and fuller—god, all the more tempting. How desperately he wants to answer their call, to nibble and suck until they swell.

“I really want to kiss you again,” he sighs.

“Then why don’t you?”

The question, whispered, almost unravels him. Groaning, he presses his forehead against hers—a bad idea. Her lips are now closer. Zen bites his own to fight against the urge. It feels like a losing battle, though, because he doesn’t want to stop. With difficulty, he pulls away and compensates himself by kissing her forehead.

“We’re having a good moment right now,” he reasons, combing back wayward strands of hair from her face. “I want to stay like this with you for a bit longer.”

“Okay.”

With a smile, she returns to the piano and plays a cheerful piece. The heady, intimate atmosphere between them dissipates, but it doesn’t encourage distance. As the playful melody fills the air, Zen straddles the bench. He wraps both arms around Lux loosely. Leaning in, he buries his nose in her hair, inhaling deeply to take in the scent of peonies. A feeling of calm washes over him, soothing his electrified nerves. What a blessing she is to indulge him like this.

“Honey, I have something to tell you,” he says.

“What’s up?”

“Han Jumin gave me work.”

“Work?”

“Hmm.”

He kisses her temple before moving on to the shell of her ear. Then, his chaste pecks travel to the back. He nuzzles close for a few seconds because the peony scent is the strongest there. He pushes her hair to one side before continuing on, keeping his mouth closed. For now, he doesn't start anything. He's been bursting with affection for her the whole day that he only wants to shower her with them.

“You know Elizabeth, right?” he continues.

“Hmm? Yeah, of course.”

"... Not the cat."

"Oh," she laughs. "The makeup brand, right?"

"That's the one."

"What about Elizabeth?"

“Well, they’re launching a collection for Valentine’s Day,” Zen explains, hugging her close.

“Ah, okay… and they want you to model for them?”

“That’s it.”

“I see—oh! Right, yeah, Jaehee was talking about this days ago!”

“Was she?”

“But she didn’t mention anything about you modelling.”

“Well, Han Jumin only called me today.”

“Right.”

“I’ll be working with a female model... I don’t know who yet.”

“Makes sense; it is for lipstick.”

Zen resumes kissing her, now paying attention to her jaw. As he goes underneath he feels the fluttering of her pulse on his lips. Upon reaching the side of her neck he takes his time to cover every patch of skin. Then, he begins to concentrate on one spot before suckling—gently so he doesn’t leave a mark. He tightens his arms around her as she melts against him. The desire for Lux always lies in wait deep within Zen. Feeling her shallow breaths ignites that. The kisses he gives her from then on are wet and open-mouthed. Lux sighs shakily, the little whimper at the end sending a jolt throughout his body.

“Will you be wearing lipstick, Zen?” she teases, a little breathless.

“Maybe,” he laughs. “That’s okay, right, babe?”

“What? You wearing lipstick? Of course!”

Lux speaks with such enthusiasm that it takes him a second to realise what he just said. When he does he laughs, squeezing her tightly and smacking a sound kiss on her cheek.

“You cutie,” he says. “I mean working with a woman.”

“Oh, right,” she chuckles.

“What do you think?”

“Well, I love you for your consideration,” she says, leaning into his embrace. “But don’t worry about me, Zen. You’re doing it for work so I understand—it’s okay.”

“Are you sure?” he persists. “If you’re uncomfortable…”

“I’m not.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

She stops playing as she faces him, her hands clapping together.

“I can’t wait to see them! I’m sure it’ll be amazing!”

Zen must be dreaming.

It's the day of the shoot and he had just arrived in the studio with Seongjin, his manager. Jumin and Jaehee greeted them at the entrance. After making introductions and small talk with everyone involved, they escort him to the dressing rooms. It's there he sees someone so unexpected that it makes him question reality. At first, he doesn’t recognise her due to the distraction of the shoot. It’s not until their eyes meet that every single detail sparks familiarity in him. He knows that face. Of course, he does. It’s the most beautiful face he’s ever seen in his life.

“Holy shit,” he gasps.

“Zen!” Lux says, waving with a grin.

The sound of her voice triggers something inside him. Instantly, he forgets everything—where he is, who’s around, why he’s here—and marches over to her. Reaching out, he pulls her flush against his chest. This can’t be real… but the warmth permeating through his clothes is no illusion. God, she’s real. He is not dreaming.

The love of his life is here with him.

“Honey!” he whispers, tightening his hold. “Oh my god…”

“Z-Zen…” Lux mumbles shyly. “We’re not alone…”

“I don’t care. This is the best surprise I ever had.”

After one last squeeze, he pulls away, but keeps his hands on her shoulders. His gaze can't help darting to her lips. Already he feels the pull, yet he stops himself from making a move. Now that he knows she's real, reality sets in. He recognises where he is and who's around him—details he needs to keep in mind from now on. As desperate as he is to kiss her, he can’t do it in public… in work of all places.

But… that doesn’t mean he can’t tell her how he feels.

“I am so happy you’re here,” he rambles. “My heart is so full—you came to surprise me, right? How did you get here? Did you come here yourself? You should have called Seongjin, he wouldn’t mind—”

“Wait,” she giggles, “one question at a time—”

“Ever heard of self-restraint, Zen?”

Because of Lux's presence, Jumin's sardonic question barely fazes him. Still, he sighs impatiently at the interruption. Zen gives her a petulant pout, making her laugh. Then, he faces the corporate heir with an unrepentant expression.

"Speak for yourself," he quips. "If your cat dropped by your office I guarantee you'll clear your day and spend it doing whatever you do with her."

Jumin quirks a brow. "There is no way I will ever allow Elizabeth the 3rd to venture outside my apartment unsupervised—"

"Sir," Jaehee interjects.

Jumin stops and sighs. "Anyway, Lux is not here to visit."

The conversation takes a sudden turn that it gives Zen mental whiplash. He furrows his brows.

"What are you saying? Of course, she is."

"She is not."

Zen's hackles rise when Jumin takes Lux by the arm. Every muscle in his body tenses. He wants to push Jumin away from her, but he holds himself back. It's unreasonable to think that Jumin is literally stealing his girlfriend away. He has to content himself with scowling when the corporate heir puts his hands on Lux's shoulders.

"She is the model working with you today," he reveals.

Zen blinks. Then, he glances at Lux who smiles.

"Say that again?" he says, dumbfounded.

"Er... I'll say hello to Jaehee and Seongjin," Lux interjects.

Jumin lets her go with a sigh, leaving her free to do as she pleases.

"The search for your partner reached a boiling point that threatened the collapse of the team. Time was running out and yet they continued to struggle. So, to help, I threw Lux's name in the lot." Jumin crosses his arms. "In the first place, it's misguided to focus on beauty when the concept is passion. They should've focused on compatibility."

Zen stares at Jumin.

“Are you fucking serious?” is all he can manage.

"I wasn't, actually."

What?

“Stop screwing around,” Zen grits, irritation rising.

"I'm not," Jumin says. "I gave them an ultimatum: either they pick someone or I sign someone unknown and undesirable."

Did Han Jumin just call Lux undesirable? Zen scowls at that.

"Hey—"

"Undesirable, am I?"

Lux emerges from behind Jumin, an amused smile on her face.

"As a model, yes," he deadpans, turning to her.

Giggling at the answer, she accepts it with a nod. Then, she returns to Zen's side. The moment she's close enough, he immediately puts his arm around her. Then, he pats her head comfortingly. She looks up at him in askance and he gives her a soft smile.

"Don't listen to him," he says. "I desire you a lot."

"Oh!" she says, cheeks pinking in an instant. "Wow, thank you—"

"Anyway," Jumin interrupts. "It all worked out in the end."

"It didn't, jerk," Zen snaps. "It backfired. They chose her."

"Lux wasn't the first choice," Jumin says. "The one meant to be here today turned out to be... an overzealous fan of yours. She manipulated the system to get on the shortlist. Of course, we decided it would be best to remove her before she removed you to somewhere. Lux was all we had left.”

“I—seriously?”

"Yes. The unsuccessful applicants moved on to other projects... you know how that goes. Lux had no such commitments so... here we are."

Zen's mouth can’t help gaping in shock at that. When he turns to Lux she shrugs, confirming every single word of Han Jumin's crazy explanation. With a sharp sigh, he runs his fingers through his hair, trying to make sense of all this.

"Are you really upset?" Jumin continues incredulously. "Isn’t this more beneficial for you? You’ll be working with the person you love most—it’s something only couples can dream of.”

“Of course I’m happy!”

The words escape Zen with more volume and force than necessary. It rings across the hallway, echoing at great distances. The people in the studio have most likely heard it too. Every part of him freezes when Jaehee and Seongjin turn to him with surprised faces. Han Jumin's knowing smirk just about makes everything worse. Zen's cheeks heat up and with a defiant noise, he turns his back on them to hide his embarrassment.

"Problem solved, then," Jumin says after a few painful seconds. "Should have signed her on from the start. Anyway, though we are all friends here, do keep in mind that you're here for a purpose—so keep it professional."

At the sound of footsteps, Zen looks over his shoulder to see Jumin leaving them alone. He watches the corporate heir engage Jaehee and Seongjin in conversation. With a snort, he turns to Lux, who gazes at him with an amused expression. The dusting of pink on her cheeks is her only reaction to his declaration earlier. Zen pats her head again.

"He didn't force you?" he says.

"Not at all."

"He didn't push this job on you?"

"No, no..." she says, shaking her head. "He called me this morning and explained everything. He said I'm the only one who can help you with this. I mean... I don't know how because he's right, I'm not model material, but... if it helps you then I'm willing to do whatever."

"Oh, honey," he sighs, cupping her cheek. "You're too good sometimes."

"It's not about being good," she says, holding onto his hand. "I'm here to help you, in whatever way I can."

"Which makes you good... but that's okay; it's one of the things I love about you."

The colouring on her cheeks grows vivid as she chuckles shyly.

"You're going to have to be patient with me, though."

"Patient?"

“Well, yeah, it’s my first time after all.”

Zen's hand slip off her cheek as his eyes widen. Lux beams at him, clueless to what she just implied. Why does that sound so sexy? The words are innocent. It has no double meaning and no sexy undertones. Even when she says it with a shy voice and bright pink cheeks, there is no way she means it like that. It's so alluring, but it shouldn’t be. He should take her words as it is—ignore the heat that spreads from his core to the rest of his body.

"Anyway, I'll be in your care today," Lux continues, taking his hands and squeezing them. "Zen sunbae."

Fuck.

Alarms, bells, and whistles blare in his head. The blush that had just left his face comes back full-force. Now he’s glowing from his forehead all the way down to his collarbones. God, even his ears feel hot; it wouldn't surprise him if it's steaming. His heart pounds, beating against his chest. Blood rushes to his ears... before going to a place inappropriate in their current situation.

Damn it all to hell.

“Zen?” Lux prompts.

Oh, no. Her voice erodes his self-control. Everything within him weakens for her, screaming for her touch and attention. Why aren't they alone right now? Why are they here? If they were at home he would've already shown her his overwhelming desire... in ways that pleasured them both. But they can't and it's killing him. With a defeated groan, he drops the full weight of his head on her shoulder.

“Hmm? What’s wrong?” she says, voice softening. “Are you okay?”

He shakes his head.

“No?” she exclaims, now rubbing his hands—god, that makes everything worse somehow. “What are you feeling? Are you hurt anywhere? What can I do?”

Well, she can do him… but he can’t say that out loud.

"Uhm... when we go home today—ah, no..." he mumbles, sighing in frustration as he rubs his forehead on her shoulder. "Today's no good... you'll be so tired after today. Uhm... tomorrow..."

"Tomorrow?"

He nods. "Tomorrow... let me have all of you. Please."

"W-what?"

“I want you so badly right now, but I’m holding back because of work. So today’s going to be hard for me—give me a reward? For being good?” he caresses her fingers before twining them together. “I want to spoil you to the point where you forget everything else except for me.”

“Zen…”

“Can I have that?”

“Uhm…”

“Please?”

“I—”

"Enough flirting; it's time to work."

Zen's lips purse at Jumin's voice. Sighing, he straightens and catches sight of Lux. She has bowed her head so her hair curtained around her face. Sighing guiltily, Zen hides her behind him to give her time to compose herself. Then, he faces Jumin with a defiant look, daring him to comment on the moment Zen shared with Lux just minutes ago. The corporate heir stays silent. They stare at each other, unintimidated. It doesn't take long for more people to file into the hallway, artists and stylists contracted to prepare Zen and Lux for the photoshoot. Han Jumin narrows his eyes at Zen in warning before walking away. Jaehee hurries after him. Seongjin shoots him an expectant look before walking into one of the dressing rooms.

"Are you okay, honey?" Zen asks Lux, turning to her.

"I am."

"Will you be okay?" he pats her head again, glad that she's looking like her normal self. "You haven't done this before... it's okay if you're nervous."

"I am a bit," she admits, "but you're here so I'm at ease."

His heart skips a beat at that.

"I'll help you," he promises. "If you have questions or if you don't understand something let me know. I'll guide you so don't worry too much about anything."

"I'll do my best. I won't let you or anyone down."

Smiling, he ruffles her hair gently. “I know you won’t.”

Click!

“Yes!

Click!

“Just like that!”

Click!

“Beautiful! You’re doing well, Lux!”

Zen watches with a happy smile as Lux strikes all different kinds of poses. At the start, her nerves got the better of her. The way she hesitated and was reluctant to do anything betrayed her shyness. Often, she looked to him for guidance. With encouraging smiles, he gestured at his face and body to show her what to do. That’s not all. Their photographer today, the world-famous Jiyeong, showered her with encouragement and praises. Thanks to that, and the kindness of the staff, Lux's confidence grew. Now, she looks more at ease.

Jumin and Jaehee had left ages ago. Seongjin also departed to attend some meetings, promising to return in a few hours. With no real authority to police and scrutinise him, Zen can’t help feeling wary. It'll be so easy for him to cast off all professionalism and indulge in the novelty of working with Lux. Yet, as he watches her work, he finds the strength to control himself.

It's because he doesn't see it often. This focused and dedicated Lux, who puts in a hundred and ten per cent effort in her work, is inspiring. She’s a sight to behold. Whenever Zen picks her up from her work he sees her co-workers fawning over her. He thought he understood… but he knew nothing. She makes no commentary or demands. Any instruction she receives she follows. Any and all criticism she accepts with dignity. She never lets it deter her from doing her job or partaking in discussions. She’s a true professional. Her easy-going personality is such a positive influence for the staff that they work with more enthusiasm.

Considering the industry he’s in, it’s refreshing to see.

“Okay—next,” Jiyeong says, putting down her camera to instruct Lux. “I need you to lift your chin a little—perfect. Now, twist your body a bit to the right and give me a serious look—not too serious…very good! Stay like that.”

The camera clicks away. As he watches, Zen catches Lux’s eyes dart to him. His smile widens. When it happens a few more times he gestures for her to concentrate. The way the corners of her lips twitch gets his heart fluttering. With one last glance, she gets back on track. If it were up to him he’d want her eyes on nothing and no one else but him. Still, he’s proud of her hard work and dedication. How lucky is he to be with someone like her.

Lux’s solo session lasts for another half hour. Then, Jiyeong calls for a small break for a set change, touch-ups, and to check on the photos. Zen watches Lux's makeup artist reapply the lipstick on her. It's the signature of the collection, aptly called Passion. That warm and vivid red colour contrasts with her skin. To match is a red lace sleeveless dress that gives a see-through illusion. It's both classy and sexy, both of which makes Lux irresistible. As he keeps his eyes on her the word sunbae, wrapped in her sweet voice, starts to echo in his head again. Ah, it would be so nice to see her like this at home… where he’s free to peel that dress off her as slowly as he wants to.

Unfortunately, all he can do is content himself with seeing her in it today.

The next hour is a true test of his patience. This next session is the main objective. Zen and Lux follow Jiyeong's instructions for the poses and everything else. Soon, he finds himself holding her in different ways. It's well and good at first—he's even proud of his restraint. Yet, gradually, the poses become more intimate. That familiar feeling of frustration crawls up his spine as he enacts them all with a straight face—well, the face Jiyeong tells him to make. The damn word continues to echo in his mind, now taking on a taunting characteristic. Thoughts of kissing her and holding her pervade his mind, refusing to leave. Reminders of Lux's efforts are the only things that help him hold onto that sliver of calm and control. He’s a professional, damn it. He can’t disrespect her like this.

Still.

This might be the most difficult job he's ever done in his life. To be so close to the woman he loves and yet not allowed to do anything about it. It destroys him. It's maddening, a perverted kind of torture designed only for him.

The last pose involves Zen holding Lux against the wall, face half-buried in her neck. The instruction is to look passionate and lustful. Both he can do... but he hopes he's not showing more than that. He's suffering deep inside; hurting to the point that he almost feels it in his body. The scent of peonies intoxicates him. This is the most intimate pose they've done today. He's so close to her skin that with a simple nudge his lips could be pressing against it... doing things that would produce the sweetest sounds from her.

But he can’t.

But he can't. That has been his goddamn mantra the whole day and it's getting old.

When will this day finish?

Zen returns to the dressing rooms after a quick break. When he finds his room empty he figures everyone must have taken breaks too. He decides to pay Lux a visit. He skips out and goes to the door right next to his. Upon finding it ajar, he peeks in. The sight of her immediately makes him smile. She stands by the vanity table, perusing her phone. From his angle, he can't see her whole reflection in the mirror—only her eyes. What an alluring sight. It seduces him, bringing the desire he's been keeping at bay to a calm simmer in the pit of his stomach.

Zen stands there for so long that, eventually, Lux looks up from her phone. Now he sees her completely. A jolt runs through his body when their eyes meet in the mirror. She smiles at him, the beauty of it so overwhelming it takes his breath away.

"Hey, sunbae," she says, playful.

Ah, shit. Not that word again. Something within him snaps, as though his resolve is suddenly made of twigs. The craving he's been holding back rushes in like a tidal wave, eroding his self-control like sand. He steps inside the room, closing the door behind him. He strides towards her with purpose, wrapping his arms around her waist when he's close enough. He pulls her flush against his body, delighting in her gasp.

"Zen!" she exclaims in a whisper.

He doesn't say a word, unable to help himself from kissing the back of her neck. He doesn't bother being chaste—keeping his mouth open and tongue peeking out so he can get a taste of her. He looks at her reflection from underneath his lashes... and almost falls apart at her enamoured look. The flush on her cheeks tempts him to make a mess of her.

“Where’s everyone?” he says against her skin.

“Uhm… on a break,” she says, a little breathless.

"So we’ll be alone for a while."

“Y-yes…”

“Good.”

Zen turns her to face him. God, she is so heart-wrenchingly cute right now. Still, he doesn't miss a beat, taking her by the waist and lifting her to sit on the vanity. He settles between her parted knees, hands planted on either side of her hips for balance. Her hands are warm through his shirt and he wishes to feel them on his skin. As if she read his mind, she brings her hands up to caress his neck. He shivers as she pulls him close, so close their breaths mingle. Unable to wait anymore, he leans down to kiss her—yet, at the last minute he stops, a hairsbreadth away from her mouth. The product they're modelling for is right there, glistening on her lips. It's sexy and seductive and right for her... he wants to kiss it off...

But he can't.

“Zen?”

He looks into her eyes and sees the confusion in them. He’s done everything with purpose up until now… all this hesitation makes him look a bit foolish. He wants to kiss her; he's so desperate for her it hurts... but not on the lips. So where? Just then Lux shifts and his eyes fall to her throat. Inspiration strikes. Ducking his head, he presses a wet kiss over her pulse point. It barely calms him. Her surprised gasp goads him into licking a thin line from the dip of her collar to the top of her neck. Then, he covers every inch of her delicate skin with kisses. Her restrained whimpers brings a pleasurable shiver down his spine.

"You didn't answer me earlier," he says in a low voice.

A quiet moan escapes her when he skims the edge of his teeth over her throat. Her neck is so sensitive—definitely the easiest way to get the most arousing sounds from her. He continues his affections, mindful not to disturb anything about her appearance.

"A-answer what?" she murmurs.

"About my reward."

"Your... reward...?"

It's a little magical, seeing her neck redden before his eyes. Zen follows the path the heat takes, enjoying the way her hands fist around his shirt. The urge to touch her too overwhelms him and he brings his hands to her knees. He inches them up past the hem of the dress, pressing his fingers into the softness of her thighs. It won't be wise to wrap her legs around him—that sort of thing will only lead to trouble. As it is he's already toeing beyond the line... but damn does he want to.

"Will you let me have you tomorrow?"

At that, she leans away. "You said it's for being good."

Smiling seductively, he leans close again to rub their noses together.

"Aren't I being good?"

"Well, not right now!"

He laughs.

"Well, I was going to…" he says, “but you called me sunbae! I’ve never heard anything so sexy… and even worse, they put you in this dress and, ugh, you’re so, so, so sexy, honey. I just want you all to myself!”

She raises a sceptical brow. "It's sexy when I call you sun—"

With a panicked yelp, he hovers his fingers over her lips. Understanding the gesture, Lux closes her mouth with wide, surprised eyes. Zen shakes his head at her. Already his heart pounds in anticipation. His core heats up in excitement at hearing her call him that again... but he can't hear it. Not unless he's willing to abandon all common sense.

“If I hear it again I won't be able to control myself,” he warns.

She nods. “Okay.”

"It's a good thing you haven't been calling me that the whole day." Sighing, he presses their foreheads together. "If you did then I would've gotten us both in trouble."

"Well, that's a relief, isn't it?"

With a chuckle, her arms wind around his neck. Zen catches her intent and as she reaches up to kiss him he leans away with a hesitant whimper. A sheepish look crosses over his face when she leans away slightly, frowning in confusion. Neither of them speaks, communicating in some silent conversation. Lux quirks a brow and reaches up again and once more Zen dodges her. With a huff, Lux settles back down.

"Don't get me wrong," Zen blurts when her lips pucker in the most sinful of pouts. Both pleasure and pain squeeze his heart in its vice-like grip. She is killing him. "It's not that I don't want—I want to, okay? I want to kiss you. I'm so desperate it's making me hurt—"

“Then why don’t you?”

A weird sense of déjà vu overcomes Zen. He shakes his head.

“Your lipstick,” he explains. “I can’t ruin it.”

“Oh…”

A look of realisation replaces her pout... and then after that, amusement.

"But I can kiss you, right?"

"I—wait, what?"

Suddenly, she cups his face in her hands. The smile she gives him makes his stomach flip. Within those deep brown depths of her eyes is a mischievous sparkle that looks a whole lot like trouble. Zen loves it... but he is also wary of it at the same time. He gazes at her, unsure of what's happening as his body prickles with nervous excitement.

“Don’t move,” she commands.

God, she can demand him to hug a cat and he’ll do it.

"Uh... okay, as my princess commands," he says, bringing his hands to her waist to steady himself.

She leans forward and he tenses when she presses her lips against his. Only for a second. When she pulls back he chases after her, but she takes him by surprise by kissing one corner of his lips. For the next few seconds, she gives him these quick kisses, roaming all over his jaw and neck. It's driving him mad, these teasing pecks. It's making a mess of him inside, pushing him towards his breaking point. A shiver runs down his spine when she undoes a button on his shirt so she can reach his collarbones. When he felt the warm tip of her tongue against his skin a growl escapes him.

He can’t take this anymore.

Taking control, he cups her jaw, pressing firmly to open her mouth. Then, without preamble, he kisses her. Without a doubt he has cast away any common sense... but the feel of her lips… soft, pliable, warm. After holding off for so long kissing them is like getting that first gulp of air after almost drowning. It relieves him, but... it also makes him want more. With her mouth open, he wastes no time tasting her, relishing in the same, desperate way she tangles with him.

He wants to spend the rest of the day kissing her like this...

But...

All too soon for his liking, he tapers the kiss off. He hears her disappointed whine and to compensate, he strokes her jaw. He sighs once they have parted, keeping his eyes closed in fear of what he'll see. But he does open them eventually... and to his pleasant surprise, it's not as bad as he feared—a little smudged, but nothing they can't fix. Their eyes meet and his breath hitches when she turns her head a bit to kiss his thumb.

“Lux!"

The familiar voice is like a douse of cold water. He meets Lux's panicked look and immediately helps her down the vanity. In the next second the door bursts open. Zen turns around in time to see Seongjin at the doorway. He steps in front of Lux to give her more time. It doesn't escape his notice that Seongjin's staring at them with wide eyes. He's probably surprised to see Zen in Lux's dressing room. Zen grins at his manager to ease the tension, clearing his throat against the hard throb of his pulse in his neck.

With a deep sigh, Seongjin purses his lips.

"You two..." he says, unimpressed.

"What?"

Seongjin crosses his arms. "Did you look at the mirror?"

"What do you mean—"

"Lux! Let's continue with—oh my god, what happened to your face!?"

The outraged exclamation comes from Lux's makeup artist, who emerges behind Seongjin. Zen turns to Lux as she emerges from behind him and... shit. Though not a hair on her looks out of place, the solid smear of lipstick on the corner of her lips is unmissable. How did that happen? He had only smudged it when he kissed her. Lux gazes at her makeup artist in confusion and when she looks at him he gestures at the mirror. He almost cringes at her gasp when she sees what's happened. She turns back to the makeup artist, eyes wide and panicked.

"Uhm..."

“Ms Lux? Are you ready?”

To complete the ensemble, Jiyeong pops in. Zen tenses when she catches sight of them, one brow rising high at the state of their appearance. Then, she tilts her head. Absolute mortification overwhelms him when an unmistakeable knowing smile stretches her lips. He shields Lux again as the photographer approaches them, her smile growing wider.

"Taking the concept to heart, eh?" she says with a teasing tone.

Zen winces. "Well..."

"But this look... it's interesting," she muses, waving his hesitation away. "I'm getting inspired... I can do something with this—I'd like some solo shots of you, Zen. Will that be all right?"

"Huh?" Zen blurts, blinking at this unexpected turn. "Oh... uhm, yes, sure—whatever you think is best."

"But they look like a mess," the makeup artist interrupts.

"Not really," Jiyeong shrugs, turning from the couple. "Anyway, this is a good fit for the concept—definitely better than the pristine look they had before. Now, come on, let's finish up so we can go home."

She walks off, leaving the four of them in the room looking a little dumbfounded. Seongjin shakes his head at Zen, gesturing for him to get out of the room. The makeup artist walks further into the room with a sigh, but her ire seems to have fizzled. Accepting the disapproving look from the makeup artist, Zen catches Lux's eyes. He winces in apology, which she accepts with a shrug and a smile. He goes to leave, but before that he catches sight of himself in the mirror. His eyes widen, seeing the vivid red lipstick marks around his lips, throat, and neck. Then he catches sight of something else. Lifting his hand, he sees a smudge of Passion on his thumb.

Well, that explains that.

It's Valentine's Day.

Zen stands by the bar, observing the hall as he waits for the drinks. To celebrate a successful launch and for selling out before the target date, C&R throws a party for everyone involved in the project. There is a palpable cheerful atmosphere in the air. Zen smiles at the attendees laughing and talking animatedly with each other. Everyone worked hard for this project, after all. It's always a good thing, to celebrate the positive outcome of a job well done.

Up on the wide monitors around the hall are the final products, the evidence of all that hard work. A slideshow presents images of the collection as well as the ads, one after another.

As Zen's wait continues, he catches photos of Lux. He can't help smiling at his love’s beguiling expressions, showing off the warm vivid red of the lipstick. Then, a jolt electrifies his nerves when he sees his own photos. They're the ones Jiyeong took after that moment he had with Lux. The lipstick marks are so red it’s almost embarrassing to see it on him. Still, it’s tasteful. This is one he will put on the front page of his portfolio. Jiyeong is undoubtedly a master at her craft. She made him look more beautiful than he already is.

When the drinks arrive he takes them to their table. Lux is exactly where he left her, perusing her phone in her wait. One different thing is a white nondescript box, held together by a bright red ribbon. As he comes closer she looks up, meeting his eyes and beaming in a way that makes his heart flutter. He places the drinks on the table before settling beside her.

"What's this?" he says, gesturing at the box.

"Jumin dropped by and gave me a gift," she says, smile widening. "For Valentine's."

He freezes at that. "He... what?"

"I guess he likes me..." she muses before giggling. “That’s fine, right?"

"Honey," he whines, pouting. "That's not funny."

She laughs. "All right, all right. It is a gift, but it's not for Valentine's."

"What is it for?"

"For a job well done."

At that moment the slide shows the one photo Jumin said brought them almost all the sales. Lux was against the wall. Zen had one arm wrapped tightly around her waist, pressing her flush against him. The angle of the shot made most of the lipstick marks on him visible. Hazy and lustful can best describe his expression as he gazed at Lux—as if he wanted her to kiss him again, and again. Well, that probably wasn't far off. With his other hand, he held her chin, tilting her head towards him. Resting just at the edge of the lipstick smear was his thumb, as though passion had caused such a thing. Lux wasn't looking at him; instead, she turned those seductive eyes at the camera.

"I'm still embarrassed," Lux says when the photo fades away and another takes its place. "They literally used the photos we did after we—"

“Got taken over by our passions and made out?”

He whispers the words in her ear, enjoying the way she jumps.

“Zen!” she scolds, giggling with bright pink cheeks.

“Well, it doesn't even qualify—I only kissed you once.”

“I kissed you plenty, though.”

He grins at her smug tone of voice. “Exactly. So...really, what happened was that you preyed on me.”

Lux laughs, but says nothing to deny his playful accusation. Oh, how he wants to kiss her right now. The good thing about their current situation is that he doesn't have to worry about anything. They can go to a quieter place and spend time together without consequence. He finishes his drink and waits for Lux to finish hers before holding her hand.

“Let’s go out the balcony,” he says.

Her eyes light up and she nods. “Okay.”

The area is empty when they step out. Lux goes straight to the railing, leaving Zen to walk after her. The location of the party is in a high-rise building, showing off a glittering view of Seoul at night. But that’s not what occupies his mind right now. The woman before him does, with her hair blowing in the breeze. Placing her box on the chair, he reaches inside his jacket pocket to bring out the gift he has for her on this special day.

“Zen! Come look at the—"

He stands in ready as she turns to him. The joyful smile on her face freezes in surprise. Then, her gaze drops to the white leather box in his hand. When she looks at him again he grins, opening the lid to reveal a necklace. Lux gasps, now looking a little alarmed.

"W-what's this for?" she says, breathless.

"A Valentine's Day gift for you," he answers with a chuckle.

"But..."

She approaches him, hand outstretched. When her fingertips touched the necklace her shoulders sagged. A mixture of happiness and acceptance crosses her face. Zen is only happy to watch her reaction. He picks up the necklace. After setting the box aside, he moves behind her to put it on. He makes sure to brush his fingers over her skin as much as possible as he joins the clasp. He’s rather proud of his choice: intertwined silver vines adorned with red roses, held by a fine silver chain. The crystals glitter from the lights of the city. When he finally clasps it, he caresses the nape of her neck.

“And to celebrate your first ever photo shoot," he continues.

She faces him, touching the necklace with glimmering eyes.

“Zen,” she says, “You didn’t have to do all this.”

“Babe, you know by now I only do whatever I want to.”

“Don’t I know it,” she chuckles.

Slipping his arms around her waist, he nuzzles her cheek. He smiles when she wounds her arms around him and holds him close. Every minute he holds her his heart swells with love and affection. It’s a miracle that he hasn’t shattered in a million pieces by now. Maybe it's because of how tightly she holds him; she's keeping him together.

"Why this necklace?" she says, pulling away to look at him.

Smile widening, he touches the necklace with his fingertips.

"Well... red for my eyes," he says with a wink. "But also red roses for love and passion. I guess it's a bit silly... but I want to do whatever I can to show my love for you."

"Oh, Zen..."

"So when you wear this think of me, okay?"

"Of course!" she hugs him again. "It's not silly... when I wear this necklace you're all I will ever think of. Thank you so much, Zen... I love you so much."

"I love you too," he chuckles, stroking her back.

Inside the hall the party goes on, oblivious to the loved up couple standing entwined on the balcony. All his life Zen wondered what his happiness would be like. He was grateful for the people in his life and he was happy with his career. There was nothing, good or bad, that he'd give up for the sake of something better. But during the nights he ventured up the rooftop garden, when he looked at the stars, he wondered what would complete it... what would it take for this feeling of contentment to become happiness.

This is it, he concludes. The answer to his question is right here in his arms. Standing on a balcony, quietly embracing the love of his life... that's all it takes for him. With this he feels complete... happy. Life will go on and some days it won't be easy, but... with Lux beside him he can go through anything.

He hopes he is the same for her. That he completes her too.

"Uhm..." Lux says after what seems like a long while. "I actually have something for you too."

“Oh?”

She steps away and Zen watches as she approaches the chair to take the box. Upon her return he raises his brows in question, blinking when she holds it out to him. This is the very same she said Han Jumin gave her as a gift. Is it meant for him? He takes it, taking Lux's encouraging nod as permission to open it. He undoes the ribbon, giving it to her before lifting the lid. What he sees makes his brows furrow.

It's... lace. A red, lacy... thing. Is this really for him? It's more like something for Lux—oh. Recognition lights Zen's features. Memories of the photoshoot assail him. He'll never forget the distinct image of Lux wearing this delectable red lace dress. It has been a fantasy of his ever since, taking it off her in the privacy of their home.

"I remember you passionately telling me how much you loved me in this dress," Lux teases with a giggle. "So I asked Jumin if I can have it. I told him I was willing to pay, but he's kind enough to give it as a gift because I helped out in the photoshoot."

Zen shakes his head in disbelief. "Babe, you didn't have to do this..."

"I also do what I want."

"Don't I know it," he says with a wink.

She giggles. "And... I have an ulterior motive."

"Wow, babe, you're so naughty!"

Zen embraces her, pulling her close to him. This time he presses his face to her neck. He peppers light kisses on her skin, delighting in her gasp. This playfulness excites him. He hopes they never lose this. In the years to come he wishes for this part of them to remain the same—enjoying this spark, sharing in this love and desire they have for each other.

"What do you want?" he says in her ear, voice soft.

"My reward."

A shiver ripples all over his body at her answer.

"And what reward does my princess desire?"

"All of you."

At that, he gives a throaty laugh. He remembers the desperation behind his words. It was such a greedy request, wanting to possess her like that. Still, Lux indulged him. The day after the photoshoot was glorious as she pampered and spoiled him to the point where she was all he thought of. It was funny because that was what he intended with her.

“I’m already yours.”

With that, he kisses her gently, anticipation welling up within him at the thought of pleasing her. For her, he's willing to do anything. Be anything. For her love, he'll give her his everything—his life, his heart, his body and his soul.

From the day he met her until his last breath... he will always belong to her.

[snakeboistan]

‘Cause You Had A Bad Day (You’re Taking One Down)

AKA: A Nagisa-Centric Sick Fic

Pairing: Nagisa x 3-E (platonic)

Today was not Nagisa’s day. Not at all.

It all started when he woke up that morning feeling like he had been hit by a freight train that was coming at him at full speed. Groggily, he blinked open his eyes to find his forehead covered in a glistening sheen of sweat covering his forehead and a giant boulder that he could not see had him pinned down onto his bed. With strenuous effort, he had rolled over, planted his feet onto his bedroom floor and clutched onto his bedside table to help him stand up - and then almost fell over backwards because of how his head spun from the movement. He had dragged his feet towards his bathroom and his reflection in the mirror above the sink would’ve made him gasp if it weren’t for the woodpecker drilling in his cranium and the raw scratchiness of his throat. His normally porcelain white face was flushed pink and his eyes lacked their usual brightness. Oh god, of all days for him to get a fever, it had to be on the day they had an English test. Well, at least it was Friday so he’ll have the whole weekend to sleep it off. He was then overcome by a feeling of dread as he threw himself before his commode, retching and emptying out the contents of his stomach - which already felt unnaturally empty to begin with. Groaning in despair, he fumbled an arm above him to flush the toilet and flip down the lid so that he could rest his head on it’s cooler surface as he breathed deeply.

‘This is the worst,’ he lamented, noticing how his body was currently shivering despite the heat of the early morning sun, ‘completely defeated by a stupid fever. And I’m supposed to be a trained assassin. How the hell am I supposed to kill Koro-Sensei if I can’t even stand up properly or think straight.’ With a hefty sigh, he pushed himself upwards, blinking rapidly as he waved his arms about to steady his shaking legs. ‘I bet Karasuma-Sensei doesn’t let something as small as an illness stop him from doing what he does. That man has like no chinks at all. I can’t afford to skip, not with my grades. If I don’t want to let him and everyone else down, I’ve got to act as normally as possible. I’ll be a liability if my sickness drags me down and the last thing I want is to burden my classmates. An assassin should be able to overcome anything and shouldn’t get in the way so that’s what I’ll do. Hopefully, it’ll get better later.’

Once he had dressed himself in his usual school clothes and tied his hair into his usual pigtails, he slung his bag over his shoulder and headed off to school, choosing to skip breakfast and not pack himself lunch with the hope that the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach would die down if he didn’t eat anything. What followed was what Nagisa would describe as the worst walk to school he had ever undergone in his entire life: his throat was dry, tongue parched, body weak and every noise he heard only amplified the throbbing in his head. His insulating clothing felt suffocating, his black tie practically holding his neck in a choke hold, and he knew the heat he felt radiating off of him wasn’t due to the fact that it was nearing summer. 

“Hey, Nagisa,” Sugino called, somehow materialising out of nothing, “what’s up.”

Nagisa tried not to jump from shock. Normally he would’ve been able to hear his best friend from a mile away, would’ve been able to discern the tell-tale thuds of the taller boy’s favourite sneakers against the concrete and sense his presence before he could’ve said a word. It was common knowledge in their so-called ‘Assassination Classroom’ that sneaking up on Nagisa is about as difficult as getting Fuwa to go twenty-four hours without referencing a manga - his ability to observe his surroundings and everyone in them was one of the few things he was actually good at. To make up for his current lack of observational skills and his tinted complexion he hastily threw on a smile and greeted, “Oh, hey Sugino. Nothing much. How are you.”

Sugino narrowed his eyes at the shorter boy as Nagisa mentally congratulated himself for stringing those words out coherently. With a raised eyebrow, he replied slowly, “I’m fine, thanks. Are - are you okay, dude.”

“Of course I am,” he laughed, somewhat nervously, “why wouldn’t I be?”

“You look a bit… tired.”

“I am,” he sighed, “I stayed up a bit late to study for that test we have today. I guess I was kind of pushing it with my sleeping hours, huh.”

Sugino looked at him for a second before stating, “sure.”

Sensing that Sugino was going to probe into something that he really didn’t want to discuss right now (or ever), he continued, “hopefully I studied enough. I mean English is my best subject so I’m hoping for at least an eighty-five percent.”

The sceptical look was washed off of his best friend’s face as his features softened into the usual fond smile he wears around the bluenette, “I’m sure you’ll ace it, man. I know how hard you work. You’ve just got to watch out for those spelling errors, right.”

“Right,” Nagisa echoed with a half-authentic grin, whilst in his mind he castigated, ‘you can’t let your guard down like that, idiot. You saw the way Sugino looked at you. You’ve got to get better at hiding this before you inconvenience the entire class and mess up their day. God, mom was right - I really am a burden. Just spend the rest of the day like nothing’s wrong and hopefully this will go down.’

Unfortunately for him, his pain only got worse and every step up the E-Class mountain made him feel like his calf bones were being split open. It was a considerable effort for him to remain upright as he conversed with Sugino, and his sweat-slicken body made his shirt stick to his skin in the most uncomfortable way possible. His muscles were screaming at him, begging him to stop what he was doing and to just collapse into a heap on the forest floor but he continued to trudge along the path towards the classroom at the top. He could do this. He’s used to hiding his emotions. He’s spent years mastering the art of concealing what he truly felt, surely he could last seven hours - even if they were under the watchful eye of a superpowered octopus, a government agent, one of the world’s top assassins and twenty-six assassins in training.

Upon entering the classroom, he gave his usual greetings, whilst narrowly avoiding any direct contact with any of his classmates lest they feel his unnaturally high body temperature, before slumping onto his seat.

“Hiya, Nagisa,” Kayano chirped, as bubbly as always, “how are you doing?”

Nagisa looked up and hoped that the weak smile he gave her did not resemble a grimace at all, “I’m fine, thanks. How are-”

He was interrupted by a smooth voice, “you sure about that, Nagisa? ‘Cause you’re looking a little on the red side.”

He swiveled his head around and immediately regretted that particular action as his migraine worsened. Karma, who was standing next to Kayano on the adjacent side of his desk, had on his signature smirk but the look in his eyes was calculating. He huffed out a laugh, “I’m fine, Karma.”

“Really?” the redhead raised an eyebrow, “because you look like the walking dead.”

“I just didn’t get enough sleep last night, that’s all,” Nagisa argued, tone a tad bit on the defensive side, “I was so caught up in studying for today’s test that I only got like five hours.”

“That’s not good, Nagisa,” Kayano admonished with a gasp, “you need to take better care of yourself, you know. Studying is important but so is your health.”

“Yeah, I know,” Nagisa mumbled with his head down.

Great, it’s only been like two minutes and I’m already making them worry.

“Besides,” Nakamura chimed in with a grin, “you’re great at English. You were one mark away from me in the last test we took so you shouldn’t worry so badly.”

“That’s what I told him,” Sugino said, “but he’s Nagisa. He just has to worry about something.”

They all traded fond looks as Nagisa let out nervous chuckles. It was then that his stomach constricted sharply. He quickly excused himself with a squeak of ‘bathroom’ before fleeing the classroom, unaware of the narrowed golden eyes that followed him.

Once he was locked within the cubicle of the building’s lavatory, he was quick to once again empty out the contents of his stomach, thanking every deity out there that he arrived early so his discordant gagging wouldn’t have been heard by their teacher with his enhanced senses. It was then a lightbulb when off in his head as he mentally slammed a palm against his forehead. Zipping open his schoolbag, he fumbled inside before drawing out a bright red first aid kit. With a sigh of relief, he opened it and grabbed a bottle of ibuprofen but then his hope dissipated when he capsized it to find it empty. Oh, right, he gave the last few pills to Okano the other day when she was complaining about her menstrual cramps and he forgot to go to the pharmacy to buy more. ‘Dammit, Shiota. What if someone else needed those. Your classmates could be in pain and you would’ve been useless in helping them.’ Despairing at his fate, he flushed, got up, washed his hands and made his way back to his classroom, wrapping his arms around himself to hide his shivering.

Entering the room again, he was met with concerned looks from his peers. Giving them a comforting smile, he walked as confidently as he could with the little energy he had back to his desk, ignoring the eyes that he felt on him. Luckily for him, before anyone could speak, they all felt a gush of wind whoosh through the classroom and in a blink of an eye, their homeroom teacher stood before them.

“Good morning, students,” he called out cheerfully, “I hope you all are ready for your test today. I know that it’s the last day of the week but I’m sure that each of you will be able to power through. Now, I can see that everyone is present but why don’t I take the register anyways as you boys and girls try to kill me, alright? It will be a perfect warm-up exercise to get you all pumped for the day.”

And with that, their class’ school day began as it always does; with Koro-Sensei holding the register and calling out names whilst dodging bullets at Mach 20. Even in extreme agony and lethargy, Nagisa could only find amusement in that as he aimed and fired, whilst simultaneously doing all he could to not let the abnormally heavy gun slip from his grasp. When roll call was over, he could only tell that his fever was getting worse as he was hunching down to grab the stray anti-sensei bbs that lay littered on the floor. He knew that he should probably tell Koro-Sensei that he wasn’t feeling well, that he could use some medicine that he knew that the octopus could get in less than a nano-second but doing so would draw attention and alert the others and then everyone will know how weak he is, how he can’t handle his own immune system, how he is unfit to be an assassin. Or even worse, they’ll be concerned;  they’ll fret and worry over him and lose focus, make mistakes that could cost them, their billion dollar yen and the fate of the Earth. He could ruin everything. So it’s best to keep quiet. Even when his throbbing head feels like shutting down and his skin is on fire and there's enough sweat covering his body to water the tulips in the E-Class garden.

Fortunately, he was able to complete the test to the best of his ability. It was a comprehension assessment and it wasn’t too challenging for him, which was good because he was able to put more effort in keeping his head up than he planned to. Unfortunately, however, his theory of the fever getting better was horribly horribly wrong. If anything, it became worse, if that was even possible: His stomach twisted sporadically every time he took a breath, the cave of his mouth and the empty vessel of his oesophagus stung like they had been rubbed raw and so every painful swallow only increased their pleas for water (he had finished his bottle and he was not going to be asking to borrow anyone else’s), he could feel the build-up of perspiration along the outline of his shirt under his arms (he was so glad that he wore a dark waistcoat to school) and he could see the way his hands would shake no matter how hard he tried to suppress them. It was already the second period of his five-period school day and so all he had to do was last three more lessons and he can go home and hibernate for the rest of the week. He had no idea how he was going to survive Physical Education with the military training exercises that Karasuma had them doing for the past three days. He hoped and prayed that they wouldn't be sparing because that would require contact and fast moves and there’s no way he’d be able to hide anything then.

He didn’t have to wait that long, however, because he was found out by period three.

After spending their break acting as normal as possible without drawing attention to the way every single cell inside him ached and groaned as well as the fact that he was without his usual breaktime snack, he walked into the classroom, ready for their science lesson. Today they were going to do a practical (something about reactions or something, honestly he couldn’t concentrate at all at this moment because his mind was so hazy and he was currently too busy trying not to cry). He turned to Sugino, his regular partner in science, before Karma swiftly walked in between them.

“Yo, Nagisa,” he said, “wanna be partners.”

Nagisa blinked at him before looking around him to meet Sugino’s eyes. The baseball lover only shrugged and then walked away to pair up with Kanzaki. With the way he and the redhead shared eye contact as he left, Nagisa was sure that the two of them were planning something for once the twisting of his gut was not due to his current affliction.

“Uhh, sure,” Nagisa agreed, half because he has a problem with saying no and half because he was sure that even if he did refuse, Karma would still pair up with him anyway.

“Great,” the taller boy grinned.

As soon as the class had set up the apparatus and began their experiment his conjecture was confirmed as Karma had stated, “so what’s with you?”

Nagisa almost dropped the textbook he was holding, “huh.”

The other boy scoffed, “don’t play dumb, Nagisa. There’s something wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong, Karma.”

“Oh really. Then explain why you didn’t eat anything during break today-”

“I wasn’t hungry.”

“-Or why you look like you’re about to keel over any second.”

“I told you. I stayed up too late.”

“- Or what that little trip to the bathroom was for.”

“I had to use the bathroom like any other normal person. I didn’t realise that I had to tell you the purpose of everywhere I go. And what’s with all of the questions?” Nagisa didn’t mean to sound so defensive or snappy, not to one of his best friends who he knows is only looking out for him. He knows that that’s how Karma is; whilst Nagisa approaches problems with caution and care, the redhead goes on with a complete offensive attack - assaulting with blunt words and hard facts to break you down. He doesn’t believe in the roundabout way, he’s always direct and wants things done at the time. His ability to get what he wants is one of the qualities in the other boy that Nagisa admired, but right now it was a pain in the neck. He felt cornered and trapped and something inside him, the viper he could feel curling around in his unconscious, was ready to lash out and bite and that’s the last thing he wanted.

“Hey, no need for that tone,” Karma held up his hands, “I was just asking. There’s no harm in that, right.”

Nagisa let out a sigh, “you’re right. I’m sorry for snapping. It’s just that I really just want to get on with this.”

“I still think you’re hiding something.”

“Karma, I’m trying to read the instructions. You’re kind of distracting me.” (it’s not like he was able to read the words anyway, they all seemed to blur into one big smudge of dancing black on the page)

“Why can’t you just say what’s wrong. What’s the big deal.”

“Karma.”

“Just go ahead and say it, Nagisa. What are you so afraid of.”

“I - I,” he sighed wearily, dropping his shoulders, “I should get another test tube. We’re missing one for the experiment.”

“Nagisa,” he could hear Karma calling him but he ignored it as he speed walked to the front desk to grab another piece of apparatus. It was on his way back that he could feel his stomach give a lurch. His heart was racing as the pain in his head had reached a new intensity. His stomach dropped and he felt apprehension crash over him.

‘Oh no,’ he thought as his hands began to shake.

His surroundings started to lose focus. The floor was swaying under his feet.

No, no. Not now. Not in front of everyone. 

His head felt light. So so very light.

‘Come on Nagisa, one more step,’ he urged before his eyes rolled. He could faintly hear the sound of glass breaking and horrified shouts of his name before the world went dark.

…..

The first thing Nagisa noticed when he came to was that this was not his bedroom. His eyes opened after steady blinks, and the first thing he found himself facing was a blur of different colours that he was sure didn’t belong in his house. Once his eyes adjusted themselves and focused properly, he recognised it as a notice board with lots of paper pinned onto the multicoloured backdrop. Then he realised that his forehead was covered with cold water, probably from the ice pack that he found lying on the floor next to him. It was when he heard the soft clicks of a computer’s keyboard that he registered that he was in the teachers’ lounge. With a gasp, he sat up on the row of chairs that had been pushed together to form a makeshift bed, the softness under his palms made him realise that a pile of blankets were thrown on to make him more comfortable. Karasuma, who was the one that was using the computer, turned around on his chair to face him.

“Nagisa, you’re up. How are you doing,” he asked as he stood up and walked towards him with a bottle of water, “we were all very worried.”

“Uhh,” was his coherent reply.

“Here, this will make you feel better,” the man said, holding out the bottle as well as a small white tablet. When Nagisa reached out to grab them, he found that his right hand was wrapped around in a bandage. He blinked at it in shock, “when you fainted, your hand landed on some glass. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll inform your classmates and the target that you’re up and I’ll be right back.”

Nagisa watched as Karasuma left, and continued to observe the door for a few seconds before looking down at the uncapped bottle. He threw his head back and downed it hurriedly, yearning to relieve the pain in his throat. It didn’t do much since he still felt like just begging god to just finish the job and get it over and done with but he appreciated it regardless.

“OH NAGISA, I WAS SO WORRIED!” Koro-Sensei wailed as he appeared before him with medicine boxes, books on fevers, and five bottles of water, “WHAT A TERRIBLE SENSEI I AM TO BE UNAWARE OF MY STUDENT’S SUFFERING. THE SHAME. AH, I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO CARELESS.”

“Koro-Sensei, please,” Nagisa said, “it’s not your fault. I was hiding it because I didn't want anyone to know.”

“Bu-but why,” his teacher asked, sniffling, “as your teacher, it’s important for me to be aware if you’re not feeling well. OR AM I NOT APPROACHABLE ENOUGH FOR YOU TO UNLOAD YOUR WORRIES?”

“No, no,” he replied quickly, “I just - I just don’t like people knowing when I’m not feeling well, that’s all.”

The octopus paused. Slowly he said, “why’s that Nagisa? Do you think that your classmates will treat you any differently if they knew?”

Nagisa looked down and mumbled, “it’s - it’s just that. Well, we’re supposed to be assassins, Sir. I don’t think trained killers let themselves fall back just because they’re not well.”

“Nagisa,” Koro-Sensei’s voice was stern but still held his kind and gentle tone, “you are a valuable member of this class. Every single one of your peers consider you an asset, an ally and a friend. We all look after each other here. We are all striving towards the same goal. Together. As students and as assassins, an important aspect of life is to be able to work as a team. To carry on through your strongest and lift each other up at your weakest. I see you looking out for others. Why won’t you let others look out for you?”

“I just didn’t want to be a burden, “ Nagisa whispered, “I thought I could deal with it.”

“Nagisa, you are not a burden. You have a burden. A burden that you have no need to carry on our own. I know this may seem difficult to you, but please: next time you find yourself in a situation where you can ask for help, don’t be afraid to.”

Nagisa looked up and despite the wide smile on his teacher’s face, he knew that the octopus was serious. He nodded.

“Wonderful,” Koro-Sensei beamed and clapped his hands, “now, I’m sure that the others would want to see you so I’m not going to keep them waiting any longer.”

“About time,” Karma said as he walked in.

“Were you there the whole time?” Nagisa asked as Koro-Sensei gasped theatrically.

“Karma, I thought I told you to wait in the classroom.”

“I know,” Karma smirked, pulling up a chair and sitting on it, “but the thing is that I didn’t want to.”

“WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!?”

“Uhh, Sir?” Nakamura popped her head in, “are you going to leave or not because the rest of us are waiting.”

With a cry of despair, the teacher left the room. Nagisa turned to face Karma.

“I-,” 

“You okay,” Karma asked, cutting through the apology that Nagisa had at his throat, “and don’t you dare lie.”

“I’ve been better.”

“God, Nagisa. Why did you try to hide this? You scared the c**p out of everyone. It would've been funny to see Terasaka lose his s*** if it weren’t for the fact that you were lying on the floor, bleeding and not responding to anyone. Did you know that you had a temperature of 40°C?”

“I’m sorry, Karma. I didn’t want everyone to freak out, I swear, that’s kind of the reason why I didn’t tell you guys anything. I just -” he was cut off as his migraine increased and his stomach flipped. His wince and groan of agony made Karma’s eyebrows furrow.

“You good? Do you want to rest more?”

“I - yeah. I think that might be best.”

“Alright then,” Karma pulled out his phone and began scrolling through it, “rest all you want. I’ll make sure no one comes to bother you.”

…

The rest of the day continued with his classmates coming to check on him, even after school was over: Sugaya had made an A3 sized get well soon card and the entire class had signed it, Fuwa decided to help him go to sleep by reading a manga to him like a bedtime story, Sugino and Kayano berated him for hiding his illness before hugging him, Hara offered him some soup to help him feel better, Hazama offered to use a spell to ‘expel the sickness and other evil entities’ from his body (he was quick to decline that), most of the girls were fussing and doting over their ‘kind of little brother’ and were quick to do whatever he wanted to help him get better (especially Yada, who actually had experience with looking after her sick younger brother) whilst the boys tried to cheer him up with funny anecdotes. When it was time to return home, Karma and Sugino took turns in carrying him down the mountain and to his apartment (ignoring his protests and reminders that they would get sick), even going as far as to tuck him in and place a bottle of ibuprofen on the bedside table. They left with promises of returning the next day to make sure that he was taking care of himself and as they did, Nagisa couldn’t help but be glad that he had such loving classmates.

[flow-green]

Fresh dog onwer and a Fuck-It-Diet

Slowly I am crawling out from my black hole. Few months of silence has been broken. I disappeared for a bit due to quite severe reason. I will not reveal it here in details, if anyone is interested, feel free to DM me :). It was not related to my ED. Life just happened and decided to throw quite a tricky challenge on my way, which luckily got solved in a positive way, and within March I managed to pick myself back up again.

These two months were quite adventurous and opened my eyes on many levels. I started to appreciate more what and who surrounds me and how dear and important my family and close ones are to me. I realized that I hurt them with my self-destructive behavior and this constant worrying over me is an unnecessary burden and a source for stress. So, I am really grateful for this experience. More and more I have started to let go of the restrictions and demons in my head and slowly move towards a mentality that my body is my own temple, my own home and serves me and myself only, and not someone else. Or, well, perhaps in an uncertain future it will be a temporary home for another person, so I should really take care of my body.

These last two weeks have opened my eyes even more, because by a happy accident I stumbled upon a book, but more on that a bit later. First, I would like to tell you about one of the biggest changes of my life, which has brought so much happiness and positivity to our lives. Namely, we now have a new family member. No, I did not have a baby (a bit ironic in this context...), but now there is a constant cheerful pit-a-pat on our floor, made by four cute little paws. On February 16 we got an unexpected opportunity to get a dog! Charlie has now been with us almost 2 months, 2 amazing months. In his quite unique size and unknown breed (we suspect a fox is somehow involved...) he has turned us into these crazy dog lady and sir, you know, like a crazy cat lady.

I think if people saw us right now just the three of us in our natural habitat, they would never ever dare to do any official busines with us.

Anyhow, here he is. Charlie even has his own Instagram account (another sign that we definitely are not normal)

Mr. Dog has a massive amount of dog fur which happily floats all over the house and if we vacuum the entire place on Wednesday morning, all the fur bunnies have taken their natural place back to themselves.

Charlie is cool. With his happy face he rides with us to all the places around the country, he loves car rides. Every weekend we go to some new place in Estonia to explore, our 10 km (over 6 miles) hikes have become our cool new habit. One morning was especially special. We both lost our sleep around 4 AM in the morning and after an hour of chit chat in the bed while Charlie still slept between us (yes, he is a heavy sleeper and definitely not a morning person and yes, he sleeps in our bed. Deal with it), we decided that enough of bedtime and no more sleep. let’s wake up as the sun will rise at 6 AM. Let’s make some breakfast and lunch to go, watch the sunrise with coffee and then go to an early hike in Käsmu, around the epic seaside in Northern Estonia. Done deal. This was one of the most amazing days in my life.

Charlie is just like a therapy dog. Every time when I feel like breaking down in tears, I hug Charlie tight and let him comfort me with his soft cuddles and confident and wise eyes. All the sorrow and worries are gone. Charlie has also made us so active physically. We take several longer or shorter walks throughout the day. I have started to really love walking and running again and for me, for myself, and not for calories or for punishment. I am not counting distance or pace anymore. Every evening I fall asleep, happily excited about my upcoming morning run. I truly enjoy every last step I take.

But, as I promised, a few lines about my new ‘diet’ called The Fuck It Diet. Recently, I pampered myself with another e-reader and this motivated me to search some books which are suggested for people struggling with eating disorders. ‘The Fuck It Diet’ popped up and caught my eye. I managed to get it as an e-book and eagerly dug the pages in. The first lines already made my jaw drop: at first with anger towards the stated facts and later on because of complete understanding.

This book has totally topsy-turvy’ed my views as it describes my current situation in exquisite correct details. My whole belief system about diets, eating habits and weight numbers have completely changed. The whole book teaches you how to get rid of food addiction, self-esteem issues and obsession about body image and weight.

Why have I spent over 10 years battling with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder? Why do I relapse in my hardest moments and total body hating world into an absurd calorie restriction, where I lose 6+ kg in 2 months, can keep myself skinny, yet sad for maximum 3-4 months, because I will not allow myself to eat anything as I want to lose even more to keep some buffer weight, then get tired and surrender and then eat back all those lost pounds and even more within few weeks? Why can’t I lose weight if I decide that instead of starving myself instead, I will go on some new diet, but this gives no result, weight will not drop, I get frustrated and get back to purging out food or get back to bingeing? Why does this wheel go round, and round and my weight will keep fluctuating vigorously and never stabilizes? Who do I go from one extreme to another? I have punished and scolded myself for years. I have tried to search or reasons: perhaps my genes are messed up and I am forever destined to keep my intake at 500 calories, so I can keep myself in that sweet spot of underweight and normal weight (because that is the only acceptable weight range for me. Sick, isn’t it?)

And then I got my answer: it is not about me or my genes. It’s because of these diets, no matter how beautiful the creators have painted them. It’s because human body has not meant to follow absurd rules about eating, be it fasting, LCHF, keto, paleo, raw vegan, or even mindful eating (eat slow! Rate your hunger! It’s under 10? You are not about to collapse from hunger? Good, drink some lemon water instead. See? Another bunch of rules to stress your brain out).

Most people commute from one diet to another, follows the rules and counts the calories for few months and then a relapse enters. it always does. Then, you will buy another diet plan, which promises even better results. You will haul for absurdly expensive foods like nut butters, almond flour, coconut oil. You replace your favorite foods with some silly alternative. You Google why the hell do I have a massive craving for Chocolate, which of course is your forbidden food. Google tells you have a magnesium deficiency (which might actually be true you know), but the solution: eat 12 almonds and forget about the chocolate. Be honest, that answer frustrates you a bit, deep down. So, instead to go and buy the damn chocolate and make your brain shut up, you force the craving down because FORBIDDEN! But at some point, you still go, buy the chocolate, eat it, and then promise yourself that now you will not touch another piece of chocolate once in upcoming months, will also restrict your intake a few weeks and eat your almonds. And are miserable. And then you eat some more chocolate. And are miserable again. Round and round, it goes.

And you gain those 10 pounds back. WHY, for the love of god?

Simple: your body has no clue whatsoever anymore, what the hell is going on. Years and years, you have kept your body in an unnatural state of starving, famine. Dietary culture has taught us that in order to lose weight all nice, you need to keep yourself in a calorie deficit and this should be around 1200-1500 cals in a day, maximum calorie intake cannot be more than 2000. You count every bite, every mouthful, you write it all down to MyFitnessPal. You eat your food, but you still crave for something more and are already worried about your next meal: can I eat something soon? What can I eat for dinner? Dude, you JUST ate, and you SHOULD feel full. If you don’t, there is obviously a problem. If you are full and STILL want something, there is obviously a problem. And your body is screaming at you the only solution. You worry about food 85% of your day (for me it was 100%, yes, even when I was having sex. Just SPECTACULARLY awesome!)

Body is not stupid. Body now has been taught that no matter what, there is always a next diet and famine state around every corner all the time. Body is scared. Body listens to the brain which constantly repeats those endless rules about eating. No chocolate, no pizza, bread is bad, cheese is bad, ice cream?! Are you stupid? Only a mango sorbet, something sugar free and watery or even better: make your own ice cream from banana (but remember, only HALF A banana!). Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest and then you will go and buy 2 liters of ice cream and eat it all in one go. You will torture yourself afterwards because ice cream is forbidden. You cannot eat it; you need to restrict and go for a 20-k run.

Now comes the most sillies, but the most logical fact: in order to break the cycle, there is only one simple solution: EAT! Everything. A lot. Eat it all that you have craved for years and years and have vetoed. Eat your cravings. Eat even when you are not hungry. Just eat whenever you feel like it. Eat until you are absolutely 100% satisfied and say honestly: no more. This process can take weeks, months, even years, depending on the individual. People in the book describe how they needed three whole years to reprogram their body back to its natural cycle. And it is scary, boy it’s scary. But you just need to take the leap into the water full speed, no splashing with your toes a bit to test the water. The faster you jump, the faster you get the wheels running. Result? Body calms down. Brain can finally rest and reprogram itself back to the way it must be. No food is forbidden anymore (unless you have a severe nut allergy. Please do not eat nuts if you might actually die). The brain now knows that whenever it wants something, it can actually get it, no strings attached, and calms down.

Yes, your will gain weight, sorry, this is not all strawberries and cream (yum, now I want strawberries and cream, will get some for dinner). At first, your body will not trust you. Would you trust yourself if you have been treated miserably for years? It is certain that it’s a trick and another diet is just around the corner. It takes time for it to calm down and start functioning the way it was meant to be. Weight will go up until the body heals and then... it will stop, the weight will naturally balance out, probably even go back down between the weight set points that everyone has, depending on your body and personal physical factor. I know that my middle goldilocks zone is about 5-6 kg more than my absolute lowest weight (right now I am around 10 kg heavier than my all time lowest and it is still in between my weight set points) and I am now completely okay with that number.

And I have now practiced this approach for half a week. Day before yesterday I had some Hesburger (McDonalds basically; had a vegan burger with FRIES), yesterday I ordered myself a vegan pizza without a second thought, with vegan cheese and everything, the whole package. I have now eaten ice cream for 4 days straight (one of my biggest forbidden foods), some vegan desserts. And yesterday I had my first shocking moment. I bought myself another ice cream after the pizza and right after I had bought it, I realized, that I actually do not want it right now. I have no craving. I got home and threw it in the freezer. After my dinner of soup and grilled cheese (!!!), I decided that I am going to eat the ice cream now. I had eaten half of it when I felt that I don’t want it anymore. I still finished it as it was a really small cone, but it was clearly more than enough. The rest of the evening I had no more cravings at all, no hunger. I didn’t even think about food anymore. I just enjoyed the movie with my SO and Charlie. Usually after dinner I was already overthinking about my next meal that was obviously hours away in the morning as no food after 6 PM and I definitely want something as breakfast is so far away, and besides, I try to postpone breakfast anyway as much as possible because intermittent fasting 16 hours +, which made me especially cranky and created countless of mornings with fights and tears with my SO. But now... no cravings and hunger for the entire night. Today morning I woke up with stomach still full from last night. I did not think about foo. Few hours later I bought some oatmeal, carrots, and hummus – and not because it is super healthy, and I am not allowed to eat anything else. No. I actually had a massive craving for carrots and hummus and oatmeal. For lunch, we decided to take some local hand-made burgers. I ordered vegan burger, but as a naked version without buns. Once again, not because empty forbidden bread calorie, but because I actually wanted that hearty vegan patty to sit on a pile of fresh leafy greens, peppers, tomatoes, and cucumbers. My stomach was still quite full of carrot snacks and past dew days’ fast food. I had no inner battle about this with craving vs forbidden food. Nope, I actually did not want any bread or bun.

That was around 3 PM. And hours later I am still full. Back then I had a sever fear over next meal or even a desperate need for additional snack (a forbidden chocolate, ice cream or something similar), but nooo, forbidden, which made the craving and fear even worse.

I have not thought about food today anymore, except now that I write this.

I have gained weight, yes, and it scares me to the core, and I confessed this few days ago to my SO. He looked at me with surprised eyes and said that to be honest, he has not even noticed I have gained, he only realizes this when I have days with severe low self-esteem and when I try to hide my naked body. I think the gain is around 5-6 kg (over 10 pounds), which is not even that big of a deal. Of course, I see and know I have gained, because my clothes now fit kind of perfectly, some rare pieces are a bit tight (I’m in XS-S size, 4-6, and clothes used to be kind of baggy even. Girl, do you need more proof that you are NOT FAT?), my legs are not super-tight sticks with a thigh cap and my collar bones do not press out. I have now extra inches on my body and probably this is the most difficult thing to accept. Recently, I saw over years that the first weight number of 5 has turned into 6 (in kg), over night, which means it was probably water weight from weekend of drinking and salty foods, so this means the actual one is still few kg lower, but the fear is still very real and at that moment I realized that I am tired of crying over a pair of numbers. I am so done. On this day, I asked my partner to hide the scale so I would not now where it is. I went for my morning run and when I came back, I saw him grinning and the scale had disappeared.

On Saturday we went to a birthday party. There was a hot tab with out-doors transportable sauna. Everyone was wild from happiness, except me. I had my bikini with me but for few days already I had stressed out that I will not join the tub, I will not expose my fat body like that. But my friend suggested me to break down the stubbornness, overcome my fears and just do it. No one will judge me, nobody notices, nobody even cares. All those fears are demons in my head. At the party I was sure that I will not go. But then, at some point, I gave myself a mental kick on the butt and went for it. And I am not sorry. I had a blast! Didn’t seem like anyone was giving me looks from head to toes and judged me with their eyes ‘god she is fat!’

This week has been tough, but I now have so many small wins in my bag and overcoming several problems - something I thought I can never do. My motivation has skyrocketed. I could never believe that there might be a time where I am not thinking about food so obsessively. Of course, I know that this is just the beginning of my healing and a long way is to go. I do believe it takes months to amend the damage done in over 10 years.

One of my first fears when reading the book was: What if I eat myself to the absurd size of 400 lbs. seen in those scary reality shows. And my brain gave me the logical answer right away: those 400pound people are also mentally sick, obsessive over food. They have eaten themselves to the slaves of food from very early stage of their lives, being influenced by family, social environment and whatnot, but I am only in my early thirties and 80% of my life I have eaten well-balanced foods and been in the normal weight range, some years I struggled with slight overweight due to puberty and stress from massive changes in life, but this sorted itself out naturally as I got rid of the puberty hormones and stress, weight fluctuated minimally, until I hurled myself head first to the world of diets and eating disorders,

So, most definitely I cannot eat myself to a 400 lbs., it is not physically possible. Perhaps the most real case scenario would be me gaining to 65 kg +, which is coming close to small obesity, but even this is not highly possible as I see that when eating normally, I cannot fit that much food in me and when my metabolism actually heals, the weight should stabilize out and probably even go down a bit. That would actually be a dream: that it will stop going up AND DOWN. I really  want that mental and physical stability back.

I miss a normal life. I am in a seriously perfect relationship which has been really close on the edge of abyss because of my sickly behavior. I have gambled with so many good things in my life and almost lost it all. Enough, seriously. I have

[staycatcher]

Cursed 001

Member: Kim Seungmin x Femme Reader (she/her) (Jisung is also in this, we love wingpeople)

Au: (Dorky/Pure) Frat Boy! Seungmin x Baddie! Reader + Unexpected Soulmate AU [in the same universe as Anguish, no need to read it though!]

Genre: Crack, Angst, Fluff? (she’s all over the place, partner🤠)

Rated 14? for too much swearing, kind-of-stranger danger, getting into mentioned kind-of-stranger’s car (don’t do what y/n did!!), suggestive themes & jokes, hangover & leftover tipsiness, cringe, promiscuous bisexual reader, nothing explicit though!! Also, Jisung is too much I’m sorry

Word Count: 4.1k

Notes: special thanks to @staytion-nine for being a bro and reading & critiquing my full shitty drafts and @strayneoculturekids & @hyunjinssmile for thinking my crack parts were good & somewhat funny way back when I wrote them ilyssssm🤗💞💛

ps, I hope you readers liked/found my easter eggs!!🥴

“Your heart began to sing, sing triumphantly as if you broke some sort of curse- Curse? Wait, hold up. Hold the fuck up. I think he’s my soulmate?! But I can’t possibly have one-”

Cursed series 1/?-  ~001~  😈🤓😳~

Growing up, not a single day passed without your single mother reminding you that meeting your soulmate wasn't going to happen for you. The odds were not at all in your favor, not her’s, not your grandmother’s and not even your great grandmother’s mom; being the youngest girl of the youngest in the family made you carry such a burden. The streak that your family had going on for generations was too strong to break at this point. It’d be a miracle and a half if you ever heard of your soulmate for a fraction of a second. You started to accept by the time you learned how to read, that a life with a soulmate was frankly not in the cards for you. 

To say you were completely and utterly blind-sighted when you met your soulmate, would be the understatement of the century. You lived your whole life with no fear or any expectations of long lasting relationships whether it’s with a soulmate or not. You lived the life you knew many people with soulmates or obsessions with commitment couldn’t live. You lived a life of freedom, focused on yourself. 

Now, it's been three months at this university; three months, and you already have a reputation that precedes you. Contrary to popular belief, you don't like the attention. Yet somehow the spotlight seems to follow you. Though, you would argue you weren’t as charismatic as you were careless. Your carelessness seemed to be your charm and charming you seemed to be.

A groan tore out from your throat when as stretched over to snatch your boots. Jelly legs hobbling all over the place as you scrambled to tug them on, stubbornly not zipping down the zipper which only made it harder for you in the long run. Once on, you trudge on forward, not giving a shit if things were inside out or not, all that mattered to you was going back to sleep in your own bed. You have to remain careful though. You don’t want to go too fast and have stomach acid erupt out of you in aggravation, ruining the Sorority’s carpet and your morning. So, you watched each and every wobbly step as you did your best to navigate your way out of the crowded, trashed halls of the post-party filth. Fortunately, it seemed you’ve risen before anyone else, no conscious creatures for you to deal with. 

The clock struck six o’clock as you strut down Greek row, your steps more firm now, waking you up more with each step. However, waking up meant more hangover symptoms, though you weren’t exactly sober. You made it about four more clumsy steps down the sidewalk before a car slows down next to you. This has happened to you more times than you can count, but never when the birds were fucking chirping. You huff out in irritation, walking faster, thus, less firm as you tried to remain calm. 

Who the hell pulls up to you when it’s fucking sunrise?! Unbelievable. 

You only make it two more steps before the right next to you. Even though you tell yourself not to, your head swivels to look at the driver on instinct. He looks vaguely familiar, you’ve seen those cheeks somewhere but his name is lost on you. You acknowledge him with a questioning look as he rolls down the window.

“Want a ride?” He offers like you’ve known him for ten years and your pets were best friends. You were expecting a catcall but his voice was full of awkward sincerity and a bit of reluctance that couldn’t be faked.     

“I thought chivalry was de-ad.” You choked, giving a nudge with your words to test his sincerity.

“I thought you liked girls more and don’t believe in it anyway.” He dished back. Okay, fair. This guy’s a real one. 

“Touché... Ohhh what the helll-” You huffed, “I’ll take it.” You vaguely recognize him and he seems to know you too so what can hurt; that’s at least how you look at it in the buzzed moment. 

His unimpressive car comes to a smooth stop, you hear the doors unlock and you sluggishly yanked the door open and groan as you slide in, kindly ignoring the mess because you’re not much better. 

 “Did you not party last ni’?” You blurted, looking over at him with a dry smile. As you do, you can really take him in. His dark, messy hair and his cute over-expressive face, topped with a pair of doughy cheeks. Despite the cuteness, there’s not a doubt in your mind this is some frat boy on the college team, though you’re not even sure what team is in season right now. One thing was for sure though, his guns were proudly out of a cut out muscle-t like a living, breathing fuckboy starter pack. Infuriatingly, he pulled it off, he looked too attractive for this time, on the weekend especially. With all that being said, he seriously looks like the kind of guy that should be as fucked up as you are right now. And yet, here he is, behind the wheel looking as sober as a slice of bread.

“Nah,” He starts, getting his foot off the brake and turning back into the road, “me and my soulmate stayed in ‘cuz coach is making practice earlier than usual.” 

Well, that train left the station. “Ahh, that-that's too bad.” You heard yourself pettily trail off. 

“Nah, ‘zall good. I think coach is taking it out on us ‘cuz his wife found out he’s doin’ drugs and gambling again-“

“Do ya have any friends like you?” You blurted out again. 

“Huh??” 

“Do ya got any friends that do things like this?” You grumbled, resisting the urge to facepalm at yourself. Fucking hell, Y/n.

“That go to practice this early? Yehh. The whole fucking basketball te-“ 

“No!” You hiss, head pulsing, his voice is too goddamn loud. “Gentlemen!” clarifying and sulkily leaned your head against the cool window. 

“Ohhh!!~” Then he belts out laughing like a blaring fire alarm, making your entire brain rattle.

“Shhhh!” As you turn to glare at him, you realize your turn was coming up. “Wait!! Turn here!!” 

He hissed and stepped harshly on the breaks. “This one?” 

“Yeah!!-“ it was already too late when you unnecessarily clarified, so he had to turn around and go turn in again. Thank god the streets were dead at this date and time. You’re sure he broke at least four traffic laws.

“Shit, man!! You can’t say that and then expect me to make the turn, I got too excited!!” He was beaming, far too excited for your dumb question and not at all concerned about his chaotic driving. 

“What the fuuck?!?! You’ got a soulmate-“

“No, dumbass!!” He whines like you just missed the best play in the whole game, too bad there aren’t instant replies for day to day conversations. “I have a bro who we’ve been trying to get laid.~” And now he makes the turn, good job buddy. 

“Okay, two stops from now you’re gonna turn left.” It is then that you realize the last part of what he just said. “Huh? Li-like frat bro?”

“Yeah, dude. He’s so pissy I don’t think his hand is doin’ it for him anymore.” The dude laughed at his own joke, elbowing you in the side. Normally you would have joined in and punched him but for some reason, your little fucked up heart started to warm up hearing about this cute frat boy.

“Ahhhh.” And then you laughed a little too late, his wingmanning ass didn’t notice.

“Yeah! And he says books are better than pussy so that’s how we know he’s becoming a lost cause. We’re placing our bets that he won’t get it on until he finds his soulmate.” 

“What a swee-eetheart.~” You hiccupped with dazed eyes and chapped smile. You had to admit, you were endeared. You never heard about a dorky, innocent fraternity boy before, and you never would have thought that it would appeal to you.

“Is it this one or the next one?” 

“This one. So whoo’z this friend of yours-“ Unfortunately you were caught off by a ringtone blasting at the fullest volume making your brain wail in pain, for the second fucking time this morning. 

He just snickers. “Sorry, gotta answer this… Yuh~?” You just huffed and closed your eyes, deflating a little bit. 

“Seungmin?!?”

For some unknown reason, that name made you jolt back up into your seat. ‘Seungmin’, why does that sound so familiar?! 

“Well, speak of the devil!!~” He got too excited and looked at you, and gives you an over-enthused wink. You’re assuming this is the frat bro. “Your car won’t start??~~” This dude, you still don’t quite remember the name of, was really playing this up. For possibly the same unknown reason, him talking to this dude has your full attention. Normally you’d eavesdrop half-heartedly but this time your whole heart started to beat a way it never has before, begging you to soak up as much of this half conversation as possible. 

“Of course I’ll drive my wittle brother!!~... -fuck off a few days totally does count!!- Whatever!! Anyway, fair warning, I became a fucking uber this morning, I’m driving this girl too so prepare yourself!!... Shhh, it’s not a joke! And she’s really hot; make sure your heart and dick are ready.” 

You were about to beat this dude before you vaguely heard the muffled voice on the other line chew him out for you. You couldn’t hold in your smile before you realized; even though you were abnormally giddy, now is not the goddamn time to meet this kid. You looked like you were run over by three different military-grade vehicles and you’re more than sure you had lipstick marks from last night smeared in various places all over you. But most importantly, you were in a limbo of drunk and hungover. You needed way more rest and sustenance before you should interact with anyone of importance. You opened your mouth to scream at him but you were cut off yet again. 

“...Yeah, yeah. Anyways, I’ll turn around now, just for you.~ I’m pretty sure we’re close to her dorm but who cares how late I’m gonna be for practice! I’m making shit happen! See ya in a sec, muah!” If you weren’t high key starting to panic, you would’ve laughed at this dude’s unending ridiculousness. There is no way in hell you’re gonna meet this familiar stranger‘s friend that he’s setting you up with at six fucking a.m. in a frankly disgusting state.

“Do not turn around or I swear to fucking Rupaul-“

“No can do, bro. Besides, you seemed interested in him so why not!?! Be grateful! I’m gonna have to run double the fuckin laps cuz a’ this.”

‘“Why not’?!! I just got outta’ a stranger’s bed and I’m still drunk and somehow hungover too and my dorm is just around the corner-“

“Listen; bros before hoes. Frat legacy.” And with that, he chuckled as he turned the car around for the second time today. You take back the gentleman comment you gave him earlier, he’s a pile shit. 

“I’m gonna fucking jump out of the car-“ you groaned with a bluff, tugging at your smeared face and he smugly locked the doors before you could finish. “Cmonnn!~ It’s too fucking early for this shit, man! Why didn’t I just keep walking or just stayed-“

“I'm doing you a favor!~”

“Dropping me off when and where I asked you to is doing me a favor! That’s literally why I’m in your messy ass car that smells like rancid fuckin’ cheesecake in the first place!!”

“Hey, now you’re just being mean!”

You groaned and glared out the window, opting to ignore him now. This argument had you sobering up. This just really wasn’t it. You resisted the urge to pull down the mirror and see how bad you really looked but, you would rather not know how bad it is. Knowing your past morning afters, you’ve looked a hell of a lot cuter every other time. 

It seems like you’re just gonna have to grin and bear it and let this one go. There’s plenty of bitches in the sea. Bitches that never made you heart skipped like this before- and without you even meeting them-

All you could think about how embarrassing and fucked up this whole thing he’s pulling is as you glare at the passing sidewalks and cars parked at the side of the roads. You wish the passing textured and crumbly neighborhood sidewalks could swallow you up. It’s not often that you felt so burdened at an awaiting social encounter these days. You hated this.

“And we’re here!!” He stops and proudly puts the car into park. “Okay, Siri, call ‘Noodle Bitchass’.” 

The fuck-

-“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that. Would you like me to search the web for ‘Nude space app’?”-

“Ughhhhh. Fuck you!! I said, ‘Call~ Nooo-DiLL BiiiiTCh AAAssss’~~!!!”

 -“Okay. Calling Noodle Bitchass nerd emoji, middle finger emoji in medium tan’.”- You were about to cry in shocked laughter but the guy answered too soon so you had to snort into your hand and curl in on yourself. 

“Yah!! Han Jisung!!” Holy mother almighty, his voice is pure sunshine and honey. Your body slowly uncurled back up on its own. Fuck, okay it’s on speaker. Shit, I can’t even breathe, can’t make a sound.

“We’re here, man.” 

“Hhhhh… she’s not still with you is she?” Is it possible to be attracted to a voice? I think I’m attracted to a voice. 

“Hell yeah, she is! Suck it up, bro. You’re already making me late and she’s fine~!!”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Jisung-“ Oh, good lord. Him swearing really just--

“Get in or I’ll leave you here and set her up with Innie instead.” You just heard the guy sigh and the sound of a facepalm, you’re guessing, before the line went dead. And finally. You could finally howl with laughter, or perhaps it was more like manic screaming in infatuation.  

You have never, in all your years of living felt like this because of a person. Is this what it feels like to be whipped? Fuck, fuck, fuck- It’s like I’m at a concert- but not really and-

You were still in the thick of it when a door ripped open. When you reflexively looked over, all the air that was left in your lungs pathetically wheezed out of you like a sad balloon. 

Then the sensations all hit you.

Wow, okay the drunkenness and hangover is gone? I feel good? I feel alive, I feel the cool late autumn air? I feel feelings; feelings I’ve never felt before? You were light as a mother fuckin’ feather and astounded as all burning hell. You were openly experiencing so many intense emotions, something that hasn’t happened in so many years. 

At that moment your mouth and his gawk right open at the exact same time, not that the two of you noticed. Without any volition, your eyes immediately drown in the other. Okay, he’s actual artwork? He was dressed so cute like he was ready to take some cute aesthetic photos for a dumb little blog. Oh god, he smells like a cup of tea in the forest after it rained?! That’s so specific- but. He smells so lovely. 

His hair was pure angelic fluff and his skin was a light, silky caramel. You watched before your tired, dry eyes, the caramel in his cheeks rise into the purest shade of pink and his eyes widening into adorable little saucers. When they met yours, they were sparklier than any ring on any finger; you swear to god herself, you felt electricity crackle in your veins like wood to the fire.  Your eyes couldn’t pull away, you felt like a giddy little kid again. Whirling with excitement and curiosity as you looked at him all bundled up for the late fall weather. Your heart began to sing, sing triumphantly as if you broke some sort of curse- 

Curse?

Wait, hold up. 

Hold the fuck up. 

I think he’s my soulmate?! But I can’t possibly have one-

That’s when your entire body began to heat up in question. None of this made sense to you. 

How is this possible? How is this fucking possible?! The only thing your brain seems to produce in reaction is unending, spiraling questions. For each and every one of them, whether rhetorical or not, you didn’t have a sensical explanation or possible answer. This didn’t make any sense, it went against everything you ever knew to be true. 

You couldn’t have a soulmate, your maternal lineage fucked that up for you, it was what you were born into without a choice. A perpetual heartbreak, something that started out as merely coincidental to grow into a family burden that carried on precariously. How can it be that for generations, the youngest daughter in the family never got to meet their soulmate until now, until you? You were on the brink of a fucking existential crisis. 

Seungmin seemed shocked as well, though leagues and leagues below the ballgame you’re dealing with right now. He looked shocked; appearing delightfully surprised. Shocked as if he wasn’t expecting to be surprised with a present on a random and unimportant Wednesday, not shocked as if he just broke a generations-long family streak. 

Before you can continue these heavy ass thoughts, Jisung blasts out an interruption yet again.

“I CAN’T FUCKIN’ BELIEVE THIS!! I THOUGHT I WAS JUST HOOKING UP MY BOY AT ASS CRACK IN THE MORNING!! BUT NO!! I FUCKIN’ FOUND HIM HIS SOULMATE!! AND IT’S Y/N OUTTA ALL PEOPLE!! Y/N?!? SEUNGMIN?!? THE UNIVERSE REALLY PAIRED THESE PEOPLE TOGETHER?!? OUT OF-” 

“Jisung, shut the fuck up.” To your surprise, it was Seungmin who interrupts ‘Jisung’ and not you, as he gets the rest of the way into the messy car. His put-together ass looks completely out of place in this shitty car, it made you try to hold in a smile as closes the door with barely restrained enthusiasm. 

Before he turns back, you force yourself to face forward and try to calm the hell down and calmly reassess the situation. 

Alright... You met your not plausible-soulmate, out of all places in time and space, in the car of a kinda-stranger who offered you a ride home in the early-ass morning after getting laid at a sorority party. 

Okay. Great. This is great.

You cleared your throat and tried to remain cool. “O-okay, awesome. Where ar-are we heading to first?” Okay, that wasn’t entirely cool but maybe you can blame it on literally everything else wrong with you in this situation. 

“I don’t know, man. I deadass wanna just skip practice altogether and-” Jisung was interrupted by the sound of a camera’s shutter. You instinctively whip your head around towards the sound, only to be met with Seungmin camera-handed. He has the fucking nerve to take two more in the time it took for you to whip around. 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?” Your voice ripped out of you, croaking out like an enraged toad. He then takes the final picture as you’re screeching at him. This just kept getting richer and richer. First, Jisung’s bullshit, then life-altering realizations that you broke some sort of generations long streak of not having a soulmate, and now your seemingly miraculous soulmate taking unexpected, embarrassing photographs of you in the worst state you’ve ever been in?

“Taking your picture.” He grinned with a shrug, no guilt or shame to be seen nor heard. You could not hold in squawks of disbelief. His pride and excitement seemed to only grow at your bewilderment, he had the nerve to do a precious ‘hehehe’, the kind that little kids do after they steal a cookie from the jar. 

“Give me that!” You sneer as you go to savagely rip it right out of his perfect hands. However, the two of you seemed to be matched in more ways than one; neither of you would budge, equally as strong as the other. 

“No way! You’ll delete them!!” 

“Yeah, exactly!! ‘No way in hell will I let you keep pictures of me like this!” 

“‘No fuckin’ way will I let you delete them!”

You gritted your teeth. “Then let me take pictures of you!!!” And then you can sneakily delete-

“Yeah and then you’ll delete yours.” How the fuck did he know-

“Seungmin, just give her the goddamn camera so I can drive and drop your hormonal asses off before coach murders me.” 

There was a raging fire in Seungmin’s eyes as he slowly and painfully let go of his forsaken camera so you could tentatively take it. Upon retrieving the camera your fingers accidentally grab unto Seungmin’s. Resulting in a little static shock zap, startling you and heating up your cheeks immediately with a jerk and a hiss. Seungmin reacted similarly, blinking like pink dust blew into his eyes to land on his cheeks. Your hand yanks it back towards you before you even realize it. Jisung was far too excited to watch this drama unfold right before his wide eyes. 

 If this was a normal day for you you’d jump to delete those humiliating pictures of yourself immediately, looking nothing short of the cheshire cat. But this was evidently not a normal day in any sense of the word, so, what you did was unlike you. You huffed out a breath to encourage yourself before slowly raising the camera to your dominant eye and focused the lense as best you could. 

At least I can photograph how irritatingly handsome he looks at this hour. 

You took the first picture, zooming in on his now grouchy, but still stupidly handsome face. Then you zoom out as far as possible, hoping to take in this entire scene in front of you, his angry posture in an adorably preppy outfit, this messy, disgusting car and how out of place he looks in it.

“Only two more.” Seungmin huffs with an eyeroll and by some divine power (perhaps the same divine power that made this odd miracle happen in the first place), you clicked fast enough to get some of that petty behavior visually documented. You pressed down twice, sadly that was your limit you agreed upon.

You didn’t even look at the pictures you took nor the ones Seungmin took so that you wouldn’t be tempted to delete them. It felt like you were committing a saintly act; as if simply taking his picture like you said you would, without deleting anything made you pure and free of sin. Perhaps this twisted reality of somehow defeating the ancestral odds had you feeling undeservingly self-righteous.

“You better not delete yours either.” You sneered once more, before jabbing the camera back into his sweatered chest. This time you were determined not to turn around again, you couldn’t risk him taking any more pictures. You also aren’t entirely sure you could handle seeing his stupid perfect face once more. This was an outrage and this was your way of protest. Also, an unspoken miracle, but enough of that.

You swiveled your head away from Jisung and Seungmin, fully leaning into the cool window and began to count the street lights and stop signs. As the grueling seconds ticked by the more concentrated you tried to be. Soon enough the concentration turned sleepy and before you knew it, you were knocked out. All your adrenaline fueled energy depleted.

All through your protest-turned-snooze, Seungmin couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off of you. He couldn’t help but find it endearing how you could be an absolute riot only to pass out three minutes later. It hurt how cute he found you, no matter how scandalous you seem to be. You seemed so genuinely shocked, it made him want to cry. And he’s also fairly certain that this isn’t new to you, you not only partied all night and regularly. And judging from the markings on your skin, you might’ve done a little bit more than party last night. In fact, it might’ve even enticed him, might’ve gotten him a little hot under the collar. It wasn’t an exaggeration to say that he already whipped and he hasn’t even caught your name.

[pennylogue]

thoughts on “growing pains”

yeah, a week late XD but this episode was way too important for me to say nothing.

You can draw a lot of conclusions about why Steven has become so isolated from the gems and Greg, and why the Gems haven’t confronted him about any of his powers going awry, and it’s honestly probably a lot of factors at once…but his conversation with Greg at the beginning of the episode really says just about everything that needs to be said on his end. It’s reflexive at this point. He never wanted to be a burden on the Gems became a habit—he never wants to be a burden or anyone. Even when he should be. Or when he’s being short-sighted about how putting off addressing his issues is just going to make them even harder to deal with down the road.

Still, it’s so heartening that connie makes him go to the hospital. It’s really a solution that’s uniquely hers, something none of his other friends or family would have thought of.

I know very few people care about Steven having a confirmed height (of five foot six), but I care and I am happy. Give me this.

Tbh, hybrid biology is my jam to the point where I didn’t want to get my hopes up for an episode that literally promised to be about examining Steven’s biology. SU has been so obfuscatory about studying Gems that it seemed like this could be bait. But the Gems’ x-rays were so fun, I was on the edge of my seat going into Steven’s x-ray--

And you know, when I said I wanted hybrid biology facts…yeah, that was a monkey’s paw there. I am so fucking impressed with this episode, and how elegantly it found a way to lead into mental trauma from physical trauma. It’s a perfect representation of his problems—wounds that healed too invisibly for anyone to notice, but the strain of the wound was always there. It was just unnoticed. It really gets across everything it’s trying to say in such a simple and easy-to-understand way. Steven always seemed invincible. He just wasn’t.

God, that scene. The way it focused on how even the weird-toned s1a episodes contributed, used that to simultaneously put the events of 1a and later episodes into another light. I’ll admit it—I diagnosed the pink glow wrong. I didn’t know what it was, but I didn’t think it was literal ptsd. 

See, I didn’t expect the show to directly blame the overarching pattern of trauma Steven experienced for his actions, because it seemed to be taking it’s time, exploring each aspect of Steven’s problems through different lenses. He’s lost and without purpose after fixing everything, so he falls back on habits of being useful, trying to help people--but for some reason, that’s not working as well as it used to. He keeps hurting people. He keeps messing up. Everyone seems to be moving on, but he can’t. So he’s angry. So he’s confused. So he’s upset. So he feels even more out of control, and reaches to control even more—and inevitably lashes out because of everything he’s bottling up. Again and again, he tries to forge ahead, only to find he’s tripping himself up. It seems to be a spiral, growing from the stress of his mid-life crisis, his numerous issues (Rose just one among them), the way his upbringing has left him without the tools to really transition stages of his life. 

I think I was expecting some sort of fantastical metaphor. It wasn’t going to be one thing, it was going to be everything crashing down combined, making him more and more stressed, until he snapped and blew something up (I was never a huge fan of corruption), and the rest of the show would be helping Steven and picking up the pieces. Steven has so many issues, so many problems, and it was very, very distracting to focus on all of those and so very easy to miss the forest for the trees. There seemed to be such a surplus of “whys” that their overwhelming nature was self-evident. How could someone possibly function with so many issues?

So, why is Steven acting this way? 

Because X and Y and Z and CYM. 

Oh, you mean the pattern of traumatic events he’s been through.

Right.

That have caused CPTSD.

...HOLY SHI--

There are so many stand-out lines in this episode, but: “My body, it’s reacting like it’s the end of the world. I think I’ve seen the world almost end so many times now that everything that goes wrong feels that…extreme.....How do I live life when it always feels like I’m about to die?!”

That hits hard. It’s real. A lot of people struggle with that every day. It’s so brutal and so bleak, and it’s hard to hear.

And it’s even harder to hear it coming from Steven. Steven, a kid who we have been through so much with, and who is still so heartbreakingly young. Even though he’s always been the viewpoint character, Steven’s range of maturity and behavior, depending on the situation, have always kind of made it hard to nail down his exact psyche. I mean, never tells you how much of his early behavior is genuine and how much of it is him trying to make the Gems laugh--you just sort of figure that out at some point, maybe as late as “Familiar”, and go oh. 

So to hear that kid who, to some extent, is always gonna be that sweet little boy to us, to have him straight-up say that he feels like he’s always about to die, to know he means it, that that’s what been going, that that’s been buried inside of him for who knows how long--that this was the price all of his victories, the secret fact that he’d ruined his health in every way possible--

--yeah, it hits hard.

“Growing Pains” is really an episode that’s effective not just because, obviously, of all of SU, but all of SUF. For the last dozen episodes, Steven has been fruitlessly asking “why”, over and over. Why is he so angry? Why is he so lost? Why does he feel all of these things?

The answer to this question isn’t a flood of endless problems--It uses the entirety of SU and SUF to balance the weight of it’s precise strike, because rebecca knew exactly what she was doing here. The reason this episode feels like a reveal we always kind of knew was because that…well, diagnosing mental health disorders is about recognizing a pattern of symptoms and behaviors.

So what has SUF been doing? It’s been tracing that pattern. 

In other news,iIt does freak me out that corruption theory has actual concrete evidence at this point. I’ve never been a fan, but that glowing happened and I just went…WELP. “I Am My Monster” certainly didn’t help.

I do feel bad for Connie, and I really am glad she hopefully has the maturity to not blame any of this on herself, because she’s done literally everything she could--up to and including getting Steven to go to a hospital and calling Greg well in advance of when she knew he would likely be needed--and none of this is on her. Still, here we go. Here’s the ugly side of emotional repression. It’s gotta go somewhere, and when it comes out—it comes out in ways you’re going to regret later. Obviously, having Steven’s issues just make that way, way worse. Still, they always try to treat each other with care and respect, no matter how bad things get, and that’s something really wonderful.

And one final note, concerning Greg:

A lot of people have been digging into Greg’s reasons for never taking him to a doctor, defending him by saying he was too poor to afford it or calling him out, but tbh, I like fanfoolishness’s take on it the most. He hadn’t thought he could take Steven to a normal doctor without consequences early on, and later—well, his baby was half magic. He probably thought Steven would be fine, and there a lot of other things to worry about. Not great, but it’s understandable, and dude’s not perfect.

Speaking of which: Greg is an A+ dad, I adore him, I love him to death, and he fucked up. He fucked up big time, in the way that every parent is going to, because no parent is perfect--even the ones that do their best, like him, are going to have massive blindspots. Insecurities about his inadequacy and unimportance compared to the Crystal Gems and their mission likely led to him nodding along to what was probably the Gem’s ideas of how to go about training Steven. 

He didn’t want to get underfoot. He didn’t want to get in the way. He didn’t want to give bad advice, because he’s not good with Gem stuff, and it honestly makes him pretty uncomfortable these days, with everything that’s happened since Rose. In fact, him having as little to do with Gem stuff as possible is probably what was best for Steven--right? 

And he never really thought about how his implicit rejection of an integral part of Steven would affect Steven. He toughed it out, the loneliness, telling himself it was for Steven’s own good...

What I’m getting at is that I’ve been hoping for a Greg character arc for ages, and Future seems like a great time for it. Better late than never. And honestly, I can’t wait to see how Greg’s attempts to parent Steven go.

[twatd]

Getting TWATD at the Wake, ii: The Eulogies

Every month, two writers returned to this blog. They did an essay each. For five years. And now it’s all over.

The Wicked + The Divine #45 came out a month ago, and we’re still at the metaphorical wake. In this part, we pick out two characters we haven’t written much about, consider the paths their lives ended up taking, and write their obituaries. It could get emotional.

Spoilers for... well, for the entirety of WicDiv, I guess, below the cut.

Tim: Endings are bittersweet things at the best of times, and for a series as preoccupied with death and heartbreak as The Wicked + The Divine, we were never going to reach a conclusion without shedding a few tears. Still, there are many ways in which #45 is a happy ending for several of the characters – and that’s truer for Aruna, the god formerly known as Tara, than possibly anyone else.

Looking across the span of the series as a whole, she is a character who has suffered abuse, indignity and manipulation. But here at the end, Aruna is free from many of the troubles that plagued her life both before and during her time as a god. I don’t know if the Aruna we see in 2055 is living her best life, but it seems infinitely better than we could have expected after #13, the issue which gave us a painful glimpse into a character who had remained a mystery up to that point.

Pre-Godhood, Aruna had been made to feel uncomfortable in her own body by sexism and misogyny. That feeling was amplified by her divine transformation and the increased celebrity that came with it, culminating in her begging Ananke for the mercy of death. But Ananke’s manipulation accidentally set up Aruna to transcend the cruelties inflicted upon her. As a miraculously preserved head, she was free from the burden of her body, and free to reinvent herself.

With the help of Jon, Aruna she was able to reject a new form when she wasn’t ready for one – and, once she was, to create one that existed beyond the constraints of traditional biology. Her story touches on themes of transhumanism, not an area that WicDiv has traditionally dabbled in, but one that has some interesting connections with the themes of people seeking immortality. As you might expect given the ideas of gender and bodily autonomy at play, it’s also easy to read through a queer lens.

I’m glad that, while it’s clear Jon and Aruna have developed a close partnership over the years, Gillen and McKelvie chose to leave the exact nature of their relationship open to interpretation.

Aruna’s previous discomfort with the spotlight, and Ananke’s subsequent exploitation of that fact, also ended up benefitting her in other ways. Her distance from the rest of the Pantheon meant she avoided jail time after the events of #44 (it probably helped that it’s hard to handcuff someone when they’re just a head).

You could also maybe draw a line between the sudden outpouring of appreciation following Tara’s death and the way she was able to successfully campaign for the Pantheon’s early release, performing benefit concerts and raising awareness. This goes some way to colouring the previously devastating ending of #13 in a new light, as the insincere chorus of Twitter observers become a platform Aruna is able to use for good.

There’s an important distinction, though – this time around, she was able to approach a musical career and fame on her own terms, as Aruna rather than Tara. Also, the fact that her ‘death’ wasn’t a permanent one doesn’t take away from the tragedy of it, or how the comic made us complicit in the culture that led to it.

Aruna’s story following her ‘death’ could be called WicDiv’s ultimate triumph. The old truism about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem feels especially apt here. Ananke took someone who was miserable and vulnerable, and proceeded to place them in a situation that they couldn’t cope with. Ananke became Aruna’s sole source of ‘support’, isolating her from the other gods, amplifying her insecurities until Aruna felt the only solution was to take her own life.

Strip away some of the details, and the story starts to take on some truly dark parallels, but unlike so many real-life stories, there is a second act to Aruna’s tale.

Once the true nature of Ananke’s plans are revealed, Aruna is eventually able to escape her role in them, retake control of her life, and eventually thrive on her own terms. WicDiv may be a story that largely approaches death as a firm reality, but by giving Aruna a reprieve from her seeming demise, it allows us a glimpse of a real happy ending, in amongst the more complex feelings the final issue evokes.

Alex: Aruna’s story is a happy one because she escapes the cycles that life locked her into. But the god I want to talk about, I’m not sure they ever did. Which might not be a terrible thing – it was always a little different, with Dionysus.

We don’t get much time with Umar before he goes all Olympian, but the moments we do get suggest there’s less of a gap between his two identities than there is for most of the other gods. He’s the guy who drives his friends down to London so they can get wasted on the way, who asks sensitive questions of strangers.

When he becomes Dionysus, the difference is mainly a question of scale. The group of people he’s trying to do right by gets bigger and bigger, and that makes this behaviour unsustainable. That first time we meet him, in issue #8, we get pretty much the whole Dionysus story. Dude takes on everyone else’s troubles, exerts himself to make them feel better, and makes it look breezy – only occasionally cracking and showing the weight of it all.

I’m not sure that ever really changes for Umar. He keeps using his powers to make people happy for a night, even as it starts to take a toll. He waits in the darkness, lets The Morrigan attack him, just to be there for Baphomet. He has faith in the power of the crowd, even as they crush him. He just keeps giving and giving, and it lands him in a coma.

This is Dionysus’ hamartia – the fatal flaw built into every one of WicDiv’s gods, the thing that ensures their downfall. As these things go, it’s not a bad flaw to have.

It marks him apart from the other gods. Gillen has talked about the Pantheon all being aspects of himself, his own flaws built out into characters, people he’s trying not to be anymore. But Dionysus’ flaw actually makes him someone to aspire to.

A spare Gillen quote from my Polygon interview that didn’t make it into the final article: “Umar is someone I'd love to be now… But Umar's a fictional character. Therefore, it's easier for him to be Umar than for Kieron to not be a shithead.” Even in the comic, we see how Dio’s behaviour is unsustainable – but to try and live that way, all of the time, in real life? It’s impossible.

I say this with authority, because in many ways I spent my twenties trying to be a Dionsysus. I’m an Inanna by nature – a pleasure seeker who tries to be kind but can sometimes forget that having the best possible time can have consequences on the people around them. (And, sidenote, it’s a fascinating twist on the archetypes that the god with these traits isn’t the one who, y’know, gave us the word bacchanalian.)

But, to be uncharacteristically nice about myself for a second, my idea of having a good time does tend to include bringing as many people along with me as possible. The version of me I like is the one who always opens up the circle on the dancefloor to sweep up strangers and stragglers. Or spot someone who seems left out and work to change that. Or pour hours into a project that’ll be seen by just a handful of friends, or just one.

I kind of buried that person this year.

This wasn’t an active choice, or something I was even conscious of doing at the time, but looking back I can see the reasons behind it. Firstly, because it’s not always clear whether people actually want these things done for them, or if it’s an unwelcome overreach, and that thought makes me to want up curl into myself and just die. And second, because I’m not good at knowing how to apportion effort, meaning it can involve frankly life-damaging amounts of preparation for very little payoff.

It’s not a sustainable way to live. Dio might be the best possible version of the WicDiv god, but he’s still someone sacrificing his self to become an idea. It kills him, eventually, and #37 shows how he’s remembered for it by the public, the people he gave everything he had to: ‘that guy on drugs’.

But eventually he is repaid by one of the recipients of his kindness, as a little bit of that selflessness rubs off on Baphomet. And Umar joins the rest of the Pantheon as they step back from their defining flaw, allow themselves to become more than an archetype. “I thought it was my job to save everyone,” Dionysus says, and I cry my little eyes out.

Maybe that was the moment I started to realise I’d been stepping back from that version of myself. Or maybe it was talking with Tim (my other, non-fictional model for the sort of person I want to be) about issue #45, when he explained how he read the older Umar: someone in whom all that kindness turned a little bitter. Aged like vinegar, not wine.

My reading is more hopeful than that, I think. The final issue trades in hints and suggestions of lives, but with Umar more than most. And personally, I fill in that blank with a different story: someone who has tempered his need to always put others first, and become more judicious about when and how and to whom he gives himself. And that? That is someone I’d really like to be.

[nozomijoestar]

Transcribed and formatted for readability the master thesis between me and @wlwclem​ on the nuances to NaraTrish together and as individuals being why we love it and respect it not being CompHet- we spent way too much Big Brain Energy on it to not share 

tw: brief mention of F-Slur when giving an example on toxic masculinity being bullshit, sexuality is briefly discussed in a non sexualizing way and in no graphic detail

*insert IM TRISH KIN BUCCIARATI joke here*

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:45 PM

JDDBSJDBD YES bc ofc she gotta be Reassuring but at the same time his Himboism Knows No Bounds One of the lines in EoH u can give her is “Go get me an Italian Vogue magazine too while you’re at it” and I’m like. Queen

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:46 PM

JDHDHDF BDE Narancia whipped Narancia stands no chance

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:46 PM

OH FOR REAL one of HIS victory lines is something about getting all the stuff for her lmao And this is like even if she isn’t in the battle, Always Thinking Of His Queen

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:50 PM

Trish decides to test the limits of this and his ability to recognize them by asking for impossible or nonexistent items/feats and when he continues to try for her without question she realizes she has too much power and must restrain it fjdjjdjfjf Can't turn into Dad

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:51 PM

JDBDBSJS The color palette changes while she has an inner monologue while she watches him try to make her happy

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:53 PM

"Oh my god Bucciarati was right...he's too loyal for his own good I need to stop even if it's a little fun"   Meanwhile Narancia: growing more and more frustrated with himself for perceived failure to someone he loves

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:55 PM

She stops for the most part but does it every so often bc it’s cute

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:56 PM

Lucky to have a freak like dat I feel like the only thing that can counter this self defeatism Narancia can get (bc his younger childhood...ofc he's fucked up and anxious and paranoid abt not being enough or abandoned) is Trish having to open her own repressed self up and love the shit out of himLike those reassuring lines she has in EoH and her moments in the anime/manga Bruno fucking does it as his father figure and Narancia admits it gives him strength

December 19, 2019

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:04 AM

Yes, he feels like he has to prove his worth and like he’s worth having around otherwise he’s useless, i def feel like he would not like talking about the stuff that happened in the past with everyone bc he would feel ashamed and stupid or st, he needs to be told You Are Enough and her to open up too so they can lean on each other

nozomijoestarToday at 12:12 AM

Honestly no jokes for a second I feel like this is also abt breaking toxic masculinity bc it's fucking Italy in the early 00s just out of the 90s...it was RIFE rifer than even now with that shit like in much of the world then too, the idea that a boy becoming a man and men in general need to strictly follow dumbass self harming rules

 especially abt not opening up and only having real priorities for earning money, honoring family, and procreating as much as possible whether it's marriage making a family or "having sexual conquests" in promiscuity, anything outside of this bullshit image can't be tolerated and you might as well be a woman or "a fag" if you don't assert some fictional narrative of trying extremely hard to have power in everything bc that's all that matters is the ridiculous idea of Alpha Males applied to humans 

Narancia being a 80s- 90s kid with the childhood he had did not give him much fighting chance at all in this context and time period  esp just bc he happened to be born with a dick and thus saddled with these harmful expectations society made that could've only further repressed his recognition of not beating himself up and his own emotional needs on top of EVERYONE ever betraying him Where was he supposed to go? He can't go anywhere unless he meets Bruno

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:18 AM

yes i agree..... like, males being looked down upon for opening up, being societally forced to shoulder the burdens and “man up” and just deal with it and fix everything. And then already having a toxic support system with his “friend” betraying him and his dad Sucking Major Ass, all he’s been taught is deal with it but hasn’t been given the tools to know how, and if Bruno didn’t meet him he honestly would be so stuck, what person (esp in that time period) is going to go out of their way to help an uneducated young male?

nozomijoestarToday at 12:20 AM

Even if it tragically ends with his death in canon I feel like the time he spent with Bruno's bois, Giorno, and Trish was huge in making some of that crack little by littleBc he has moments where you see how sweet he actually is, his "real" personality if you will underneath all the unresolved anger when he's with ppl he sees love him and give him hope When Giorno said No One Is Going To Hurt You Anymore that just made me cry harder

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:23 AM

Yes! Like, ofc he gets angry, has unrepressed rage and reactions to things, he hasn’t had any type of emotional support in SO long and it’s not like it’s 100% fantastic in that regard with buccigang (which don’t get me wrong they are family but they are still in an aggressive gang and go off and give each other lots of shit)-YEAH AND THE FUCKIGN PLANT GROWING TOO IM

nozomijoestarToday at 12:25 AM

Trish is legit I think the one person aside from Giorno who would treat him without even the gang's aggressiveness Narancia is my fav in VA even if Bruno is the best written VA character bc he's me, this kind of shit in my life is why I developed PTSD undiagnosed since my childhood that only kept getting worse until only this year have I gotten any true help I know exactly how he feels 

Esp when you think your whole life exists to serve others never yourself NaraGio shippers I see y'all argument even if I don't follow it tbh, Gio was again the only one besides Trish to consistently care for Nara in day to day and when he was in danger and esp during the Clash and Talking Heads fight Gio was the one dude present like No Narancia It's Ok Please Tell Me What's Wrong You're Clearly Stressed

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:31 AM

yeah although i haven’t experienced it i can still empathize and try to understand, i think there’s so many layers of protection and walls that most people never truly look past it to see the root cause or true self YES that fight was so frustrating bc they were all like Narancia stop being an idiot when something was clearly wrong and he was obviously in distress!!

nozomijoestarToday at 12:32 AM

Also Gio was the only one who first asserted that No, Narancia did the right thing in fighting Formaggio

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:33 AM

Yes and with that whole interaction the gang often uses Narancia as the scapegoat essentially and just give him shit for every little thing without trying to understand his POV

nozomijoestarToday at 12:33 AM

The Clash fight tbh I feel was an ass pull set up to give Narancia his big bad ass loyalty proving moment even if it's a great fight that beginning part is...only the Trish and Gio interactions rly make sense fjdjdjI wish him and Giorno hung out more or I guess more like talked more bc you can't rly hang out when you're getting assassinated every day hfgdg

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:36 AM

Yeah hdkdb, even with Fugo, even tho he found him and brought him to Bruno, he still calls him a dumbass, stabs him with a fork and shit, and then with Mista even tho I feel like they are Like Bros, he destroys Narancia’s radio for no fucking reason and also has a pattern of taking shit Narancia paid for without paying him backI def agree with that, I feel like Giorno interactions were lacking in that there really weren’t many one on one meaningful things so it’s hard for me to grasp his personal headspace and relationships a lot of the time

nozomijoestarToday at 12:37 AM

However to be a little more fair to the Bucci gang the manga version has Narancia trying a lot lot more to get their attention in logical ways that unfortunately Talking Heads completely ruins, he tried writing to let them know what was happening and TH warped the text into him saying vulgar things bragging abt his dick being a powerful Stand

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:38 AM

Yeah I was gonna add I wasn’t sure if the manga had other stuff, tbf

nozomijoestarToday at 12:38 AM

I think this is also Shounen Tropes of the 90s at play too the "child" character was often written as the comic relief dumbass Narancia suffers it so it does add a layer of Not Good to his relationships The trope still exists tbh Anime cut out him writing I assume bc it's too sexual It's already pushing it having him whip it out and piss in front of everyone jfhdhd

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:41 AM

Yeah you right, it’s like the i want it to be that deep meme, like Araki obvi doesn’t have him only as comic relief but if he delved into his character more there would’ve been so much more that could’ve been done and shown YEAH DJDBDJDJF I WAS SURPRISED THT WAS ANIMATED

------------------------[ CUT INTERMISSION ]-----------------------------

nozomijoestarToday at 12:51 AM

Ok but to get back on track with where I was trying to go even opening this all up is how it's critical to NaraTrish in a mutually beneficial way

nozomijoestarToday at 1:01 AM

Nara is no incel he's a King obvs but he is also at heart a confused scared kid uncertain of anything in the world beyond what's closest in his grasp and without someone actively believing in and validating him he can't fully achieve awareness of healthy dynamics and even the problems within the ones he already has with his gang and Bruno- Trish doesn't have to babysit him and be the stereotypical The Woman Only Supports And Gives Up Her Body bc thats never her and couldn't be her and Narancia wouldn't make her that way bc even when he kinda touches on that (giving in a bit to the idea that men are the main protectors of women) when he gets too fixated on wanting what he thinks is for her wellbeing he does snap out and acknowledge he's wrong bc 

Trish by her independent nature and tremendous Will proves those stereotypes are bullshit, not even factoring in their first meeting as already making a huge impression on his beliefs of what girls can do- Trish knowing how to challenge him by staying true to herself yet having the compassion to help someone suffering and with fewer chances from birth than she had would not only win him over but give him something even Bruno can't, self sustaining confidence, bc Trish isn't part of a chain of command, she's just a girl in love with a boy who wants him to be happy and that concept while foreign to him for so long once it kicks in he could actually learn to build himself For himself and For someone who wouldn't use him for some greater schemes or dirty work, 

I love Bruno ok he's one of the best characters in anything ever but his flaw in his ability to help motivate ppl is tied to that fact that he's bringing them into a dangerous strict order of command to Serve not entirely in a place/way that lets them just be themselves and realize organic loving relationships with anyone and themselves SO

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:05 AM

they’re healing...... being shown love without a position of authority or any obligations is so powerful for his growth

nozomijoestarToday at 1:25 AM

That all being said, Everything Trish does he's paying attention to, she keeps him alive during the Grateful Dead fight not because she needs him to serve for a cause ( a cause might I add even Bruno the near saint he is was ready to let Nara go right then and there for bc death is in the job description) but because she doesn't know him well yet and shit he even swung a knife at her when they first met over who was in the bathroom, but he's a person suffering and in pain and to let him die even if it's Expected Of The Mission is garbage to her even if she respects Bruno down the line as a father compared to fucking evil Diavolo,

 Trish constantly goes out her way to do these things for Nara bc Trish instinctively knows he's the most vulnerable mentally and her sense of compassion and justice (likely something Donatella made sure to instill in her before her death by cherishing Trish and spoiling her even as a single mother) will not stand to not help someone when she could've- and he reciprocates it even if in disbelief bc he can tell This Person Is Safety, This Person Is Like Me Yet Not, A Better Me I Want To Be, by the time he's about to die someone with his fragile mind was actually gaining conviction about taking control for himself on his own terms and he would risk even those chances to defend the person who actually helped him arrive there (along with Gio) in the first place, 

I think by the end of his life he rly did love her or start to, it being romantic or not is up to individual interpretation to which you know I'm in the romance camp, point is he found someone who truly taught him strength without him fully realizing it and did so without belittling him, if anything instead treating him only with love and kindness and patience (not being a door mat for him, but like, not treating him like ass like everyone else has their moments of either), I think anything Trish asks of him, this is all why he's so willing to do it on top of feeling deep  empathy, I've written in my character notes as well that like this goes even further to sex being one of the most intimate things there is, like I kno we jest and jape abt Teens Doing Dumb Shit bc we're clowns 

but the sheer vulnerability you have to have esp in a first love situation to be willing to go through with that for the first time ever takes a lot of trust and courage, aspects I think Trish was able to give him and would solidify in asking something seen as so important for many people from him, the headstrong Trish wants to be vulnerable for him and the slowly confidence boosted Narancia wants to accept that faith and trust and love and exchange it with his own of the same for her, it's not horny teens 100% it's two hurt but hopeful kids on the verge of having to be adults wanting to find another piece of identity in how they are with someone else, obvs it will forever be offscreen bc pedos deserve to be skinned alive 

I just feel that the components that would fuel them to do something teens try to do to feel more adult and bc hormones are a lot more based in growing maturity than pure lust, I think this is what I fully mean by Writing About Teens Exploring Love And Sexuality; Not Fetishizing And Reveling In Showing The Act Itself Especially For Disgusting Titillation, I think this and not explicitly writing the sex are the difference between child porn and creating realistic characters

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:36 AM

Yeah, it is going to sound like a dumb take but the topic of sex and sexuality itself is not inherently sexual, by which I meant it isn’t the focus — there’s SO much more to it and in this case especially it can be like the ultimate sign of love, trust, intimacy, compassion, trying to make your way as a teen through a harsh world, like I can go on. Nasties Dont Interact but the shying away from the mere mention of it in a non-sexualized context is unrealistic. 

 Yes The Grateful Dead fight i 1000% agree is so important in both his personal growth and the development of their relationship, I think it’s an important parallel that he is dumbfounded about her going to such lengths to keep him alive without the sense of duty/obligation versus Trish’s feelings and outbursts of confusion on why Bucciarati and his gang even cared about her, protecting her to the point of death being on the line.(edited)

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:44 AM

all these elements of complication and similarities between their characters is why ive gotten so passionate about both them and their relationship (whether romantic or platonic it’s really fucking strong and good), the story of two kids making it through adversity, learning to unshoulder their burdens and lean on others, the Found Family™️, and learning and growing together is just so much more fucking deep and complex than the mainstream bs that exists. 

now im not any type of elitist hipster but esp in male and female relationships portrayed in what feels like basically fucking everything are just like CompHet Bullshit and they’re together bc They Are Just Supposed To Be (not to mention the toxic masculinity culture within that where the women barely have character arcs and are just seen as objects anyways) But what I’m trying to say is that in this the relationship is real and it feels earned in a way that just isn’t there in so much other media out there(edited)

nozomijoestarToday at 1:48 AM

Honestly if we tweak this just a lil more this is basically Guts and Casca One of the greatest and saddest romances ever written

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:48 AM

i still have berserk bookmarked just haven’t gotten around to reading yet

nozomijoestarToday at 1:48 AM

If VA was a Seinen it's p much Berserk In Italy Also big brain...galaxy brain...everything you said was a fact signed sealed and delivered(edited)

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:51 AM

Wow we’re actually in sync and using the brain cell to its fullest extent tonight

nozomijoestarToday at 1:51 AM

When I say she's his world and he's hers this is what I mean, not comphet hdhdhfhYEAH HFHDG

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:52 AM

(also my phone autocorrected “and” to “ANF” bc of twdg..... it also sometimes changes it to “AMD” bc I work in technology. My Phone Knows My Interests Are More Important To Me Than One Of The Main Parts Of Speech. Iconic)YESSSS they’re just SO GOOD there’s so much to articulate!

nozomijoestarToday at 1:55 AM

She was his Queen, and god help anyone who disrespected his Queen

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:55 AM

JDBDHE SHIT THE FUCK IP DKDBEBDJFBBD

nozomijoestarToday at 1:56 AM

Buy my silence $8000 a month

[arlingtonpark]

SNK 122 Review

Finally the Marleyan and Eldian versions of history are reconciled. We see the real history for ourselves and what we learn is that the Marleyans were basically right.

You can all kiss my ass!

Look, I’m not going to mince words here: the official Marleyan history is that Ymir had a working relationship with “the devil” and together they subjugated the Marleyans.

That is exactly what happened. 

According to Eren’s grandfather, the relationship was more mutual; he described it as a contract. According to Kruger, the relationship was more one-sided; he describes Ymir in the Marleyan history as a pawn of the devil.

In any event, the devil was a real, albeit mythologized figure and Ymir worked with/under them. Is it unreasonable for the Marleyans for say this dude was the devil and leave it at that? 

Yeah, kind of, and they probably did it for propaganda reasons. But it’s not as unreasonable as you would think.

You’ve all heard of Jesus, right?

Jesus was a real person and we know that because he is mentioned in the Bible, which is in fact a historical document. Yes, the Bible says Jesus had magical powers (and that the world was created 7000 years ago) but so what? Ancient historical documents mix reality with mythology all the time. That’s the challenge of being a historian of antiquity, separating the facts from the myth.

That the Marleyan’s historical record claims this dude was the devil is not that out there.

Meanwhile, the official Eldian history is that Eldian rule was orgasmic.

It completely leaves out the raping and pillaging and other atrocities. It’s an incomplete picture. The Marleyan history is essentially the whole story.

Yes, Ymir really did cultivate the land, but this was only to the Eldian’s benefit. The Marleyan history does not contradict that. It emphasizes the atrocities, but it is implicit in the Marleyan account of history that the Eldians benefited from their dominance.

‘Cause, ya know, that’s how racism works. It’s not just a detriment to the oppressed, it benefits the oppressors.

It’s not even unreasonable to emphasize the atrocities, since they are, not to put too fine a point on it, atrocities. Building roads and bridges, by itself, is just not noteworthy. 

Why would any impartial history book mention that Ymir built roads outside of a few sentences, and even then, just to lay the ground work to explain how the Eldian Empire grew to be able to expand and conquer. 

The history of the world of SNK is first and foremost a story about a racist empire that murdered many people. 

Building roads and bridges? That’s not important. 

And as for the 1700 years of genocide, that is yet to be settled. That happened after Ymir’s death, and while we see that the Eldians conquered the world, we don’t see the details.

One thing that’s great about this chapter: many apologists for imperialism turn to excuses like how the colonialists built infrastructure and cultivated the land to justify imperialism. What SNK gets right is that the benefits of that cultivation were only enjoyed by the oppressors.

Yes, in the course of colonizing Africa, the Europeans built roads and crap, but that is a non-factor in the rightfulness of the imperialist project because those roads benefited the colonialists. And no one else.

Likewise, the benefits of Ymir’s work were only enjoyed by Eldians, which is why they remember her so fondly. Meanwhile, the Marleyans were victimized by Ymir, so they hate her.

What’s even better is that this could, maybe, hopefully, be read as a repudiation of Kruger’s dumbass line about the nature of truth.

There is truth in this world.

The Marleyan truth.

You hate to see it.

Frieda in this chapter is something of a tragic figure. She means well and just wants to give Historia some good advice, but she’s too drunk on the kool-aid to say anything helpful.

It’s true that we should all be thinking about others, but what’s been forgotten is love for ourselves in addition to love for others. A healthy relationship involves both of these things. You help people out, but always make sure to help yourself.

Ymir is literally the property of her master and is the equivalent of a tool to be used until it breaks. Her life is all about serving others. She bears the king’s children, fights the king’s enemies, and builds up the king’s empire. She was never allowed to love others, and she doesn’t even seem to have had any friends.

There’s no room for her to love herself, which is why this is a bad relationship.

You know, just to say the obvious.

One thing that’s great about SNK is that one of its morals is how bad it is to care too much about others. Caring too much, to the point you subordinate your own needs to someone else, is a kind of metaphorical enslavement.

Historia is the best example of that. Her whole character starting out was about self-sacrifice and caring about others. Her girlfriend thought she was a total idiot, and she was right.

There are other examples, though, like Mikasa gradually becoming less obsessive over Eren as the story goes on, or like the way the warriors serve Marley, which is a lot like a kind of slavery.

The series is characteristically blunt about it here, what with Ymir literally being a slave, but it’s a good moral and not an intuitive one.

The emptiness behind Frieda’s advice couldn’t be made more obvious here. As she expounds on how we need to be people who are helpful to others, we see are shown how her example, Ymir, is a literal slave. And towards the end of Frieda’s monologue, Ymir looks on at two lovers making out.

The contrast is clear. Give yourself over to others and being “loved” by them is not real love.

So this is Ymir Fritz, huh?

Another theme of this series is how lacking freedom limits your potential. Historia, once again, is a good example. Her over-caring was a burden on herself, and it kept her from truly becoming her own person. She’s in a much better place now that she’s move past that.

Eren is also kind of another example, but he’s like the incel version of it. Eren is “free” because he got swole and can just kick the ass of anyone who disagrees with him. Eren is what incel losers on Reddit dream of becoming. A chad.

He went from being a social loser to singlehandedly saving the world. From commonplace to world’s strongest. He's like the main character of an isekai anime. Pure vicarious pleasure for the stereotypical anime nerd.

Ymir is the encapsulation of this theme. She is basically a god, with incredible power. The only limit on her power is her imagination. Tragically, her imagination was so limited.

She has all this power, and she never thought to use it for herself. She used it for the king because she is his slave and that is her place in the world. She never thought otherwise.

Now Eren’s broken though to her and it looks like she and him are going to be partners in crime. Yay?

The themes of this series can be good, but there are still problems.

One theme is the inherent value of life. People deserve to live and it’s not because they possess any certain quality. People deserve to live because they are. They were born and they exist now.

Maybe their birth was mistake, but that’s ok, because people can give their own lives meaning. The meaning of life, according to SNK, is completely internal. It comes from within you.

Throughout the story, characters have devoted themselves to various things. Not all of them were bad things. Levi is devoted to Erwin. Mikasa is (was?) devoted to Eren. Armin was devoted to his dream of seeing the ocean. Rod was devoted to his belief in god.

They all tried to give meaning to their lives through external means.

But people like Historia, and, in kind of a bad way, Eren, are special because they try to find meaning through internal means.

That’s fine and all, but the problem is that Eren is the main character and his values and his example is what the series upholds.

Eren is a fighter and it’s clear he sees that as carte blanche to do whatever he thinks is right.

Killing children?

MORE LIKE FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM!!1

Insubordination?

FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM!!1

Pissing over his friends?

FREEDOM!!1

So, is human life inherently valuable or not?

The series tries to be about how lives matter, but also seemingly upholds this really stupid moral code where defending your own life can justify anything.

This isn’t even really a form of consequentialism. Consequentialists define goodness in terms of an action’s consequences. But, like, it’s the consequences for the world as a whole. Goodness is about what’s good for the world overall, not what’s good for me personally.

You can kill in self-defense, but there are limits. Violence should be proportionate and reasonable. And the killing itself should not be the point.

Killing most of the world is obviously not a net good for the world. Yes, the series makes humanity out to be depraved, but that’s bullshit because it is not true. People can be made to do awful or just plain stupid things by their environment, but the solution isn’t to just kill everyone.

They were born into this world, you see.

This is why there is a ten billion percent chance Eren will repudiate his way of thinking by the end of the series. Maybe as early as the next chapter. For the series to not do that would be hypocrisy.

There is no way the story is going to go with an ironic ending where Eren kills everyone and declares himself free while standing atop a pile of rubble.

SNK has employed dramatic irony before, but it has always been straightforward with its main themes. It would not resort to irony here; that would just muddle the message even more.

At this point the series is just mocking Historia fans. Ymir Fritz is also forced into pregnancy and even sits in a wooden chair just like Historia.

But I think this is actually a reason to be hopeful. This is an implicit acknowledgement of how fucking shitty Historia’s nominal situation is.

Ymir is forced to bear children and that is a manifestation of her enslavement. Historia is therefore also a slave by the story’s logic. And since this is a story about breaking free from your enslavement, Historia can only do just that and rain hellfire on the world like how Ymir Fritz seems poised to do here.

…Please?

I don’t know if this was intentional or not, but I love how they throw in a radical feminist take on Ymir Fritz’s life.

Ymir was always thinking about others, and that made her girlish, ie is an obedient slave.

Respect.

[ferallymine]

Worldbreaker Pt. 1

The rubble. The screams. The frantic hands digging through the mess above her buried broken lifeless body. The last stone moving away- seeing the white light shine onto her. A hand reaching out-

Mardea shot up, sweat covering her body. Reaching out to see the alarm clock, she had to bite down a yelp of pain.

“Not…again…” Her voice was tired and straining. Black Energy had marked her arms in the night, leaving burns on her skin and the sheets.

She stumbled into her bathroom, slamming the cold water handle on to fill the tub. Her feet sizzled on the chilled ivory tile, heat coming off her body in waves. She shouldn’t be this hot with just panties and a loose cotton tank top on, but this is one of many burdens of being Mardea Lin.

The water stung her tender burnt skin. Steam hissed from her body, distracting her from wanting to scream. Mardea hadn’t been severely burned by fire, but she imagined they were just as bad as her energy burns. Izzy’s the only one she ever felt the need to explain the difference to. His curiosity was always humorous to her.

The fact that the water was ice cold made the next part easier. Keeping thoughts in her mind to ground her to reality, Mardea submerged herself completely in the tub.

Green wisps flowed out from her palms. Interacting with the water, they went to work cooling her down and resolving her burns. A waterlogged scream escaped her throat, the sensory overload and pain being overwhelming. The burnt skin ripped itself off, attaching to the energy  swirling around it. New unblemished skin replaced it quickly- unnatural if one didn’t have a medic-related quirk.

It felt like hours, but Mardea was done in minutes. The water was grey and heavily clouded when she sat back up, now shivering from the cold. Her stomach churned, and without a moment to react, she vomited into the already dirty water.

“…fuck…” her voice was a quaky whisper. She couldn’t keep going on like this.

The push and pull of energy forces from within herself danced with the outside ones. It was as if something out there wanted her to lose control, wanted Code Black to become the new normal.

The water-vomit mixture spiraled down the drain. Mardea waited until the tub was empty before fighting for strength to rinse herself off with the shower.

Morning couldn’t come soon enough.

-----

“But consider the reverse!” Kaminari shoved a spoonful of cereal in his mouth, “If you had a human head and a bird body, all the villains would be too scared to fight and you could round ‘em up easy!”

“Easily,” Tokoyami corrected, pulling his hoodie as he stood up to leave, “And that is utterly ridiculous.”

Sero set his coffee down, “Does that mean if Hawks was reversed he’d have a bird body and human arms on his back?!”

“Holy. Shit. Dude.” Kaminari looked like he had an epiphany, “That would be…terrifying. I love it.”

Ashido slammed her hands flat on the table, “KIRI WOULD BE A ROCK THAT TURNS INTO A BALL OF FLESH!”

“Noooooo,” Kirishima groaned, leaning back with his hands on his face, “I was already a ball of flesh in the hero test! Unpleasant, 0 out of 10 do not recommend.”

Sero giggled, “Guys, guys listen… Bakugo… Is an explosion that throws out humans.”

An eruption of laughter consumed the living room of the dorms. The noise echoed into the hallway leading to the stairs.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Kirishima wiped a tear from his eye, “Does, ehehehe, does that mean that mean that he’s a continuous explosion or like, hah, one out of every 5 explosions is Bakugo randomly spurting out humans to attack villains.”

The laughter quieted, giving the group time to think, then Ashido spoke, “Can you imagine if the latter was true? Like, if you’re a villain using C4 to break into a bank then suddenly ‘I AM A VERY ANGRY EXPLOSION HAVE SOME HUMANS TO THE FACE!’ Bruh, I’d shit my pants.”

“What about the former?” A sudden appearance of Lin behind Kaminari made him jump and spill his cereal. “If he’s a continuous explosion he’d have to be put in a container to function as a ‘human’ in society. Imagine shoving Boom-boy into a reinforced Smucker’s jam jar.”

The laughter resumed. Kirishima looked up to ask Lin a question, “Hey, what if- wait. Lin you’re glowing.”

A brief panic, “Wh- no I’m not.” She looked herself over, “I’m not outputting any en-“

“No! Your skin is radiant,” A cheeky smile, “Did you do a new skincare routine from YouTube?”

A pause, “…Yes…that’s what I did.”

Ashido’s eyes sparkled, “DEAAAAAA you gotta show me!”

“Maybe later, after you bring your grade to a B.” She winked, “Anyway, I’m hungry, see ya later.” Lin meandered over to the kitchen, where Uraraka was making what smelled like waffles.

“… aaaand voila!” Uraraka flailed her arms in a dramatic manner, “A Together Breakfast!” The platter was filled with waffles topped with syrup, whipped cream, popcorn, and strawberries.

“Wow!” Midoriya’s stomach rumbled, “This looks great! Thank you!”

She giggled, “I made enough for everyone so dig in!” She gestured to those surrounding the counter. “Let our Saturday breakfast tradition begin!”

Lin leaned on Todoroki’s shoulder, the sudden contact startling him, “It’s just me, don’t worry.”

“Hello, love,” He tilted his head to lean on hers, “Sleepy?”

“Sore…”

“Training yesterday was that rough?”

“…Yes.” She straightened. Her silent body language purposely telling him that she didn’t wanna talk about it in front of the others. “My whole body feels vulnerable and tender. Like one touch will bruise for days.”

“Take it easy today, then,” He smiled, “Eat something to regain your strength.” A soft kiss to her head, reminding her that they can talk privately later.

“Hey Frick and Frack, save the PDA for when we’re not eating,” Bakugo sat on the counter, munching on toast with tomato and cheese slices on top. “You’re gonna make me puke.”

“Your taste in breakfast food will make me puke,” Midoriya stuck out his tongue.

“Says fucking you. Who eats shitty popcorn for breakfast?”

“It’s not popcorn, it’s pepcorn!” Uraraka tossed a kernel at the blonde, “Popcorn with a pep!”

Bakugo scowled, staring the group down. He swiped the kernel away from him, “You’re not original, this is all from YouTube.”

“Stop being such a fucking killjoy,” Jirou slammed her glass of juice down on the counter. “We get it, your aesthetic is to hate everything and think you’re the best. Don’t you get tired of having your head so far up your own ass? Huh?”

“I’m done,” Lin backed away and turned towards the hallway. “It’s too early for arguing.”

Yaoyorozu stood up, “Mardea, don’t go! We were gonna go out today! The Saturday Flea Market is up in the plaza across town!”

Fuck I forgot “Yeah, right…. Lemme put on proper ‘going out’ clothes.” A snap and she was gone in a green flash.

------

“Isn’t this fun! Nice to stretch our legs on a sunny day off.” Momo did a little spin, flowing out the bottom of her sunflower sundress.

Tsuyu joined the twirling, though her green romper left little to flow out. “Ribbit, it’s the perfect temperature today. I bet the pools will be packed.”

“Whaddaya think, ‘Dea?” Mina, clad in her pastel blue crop top and matching shorts, “Should we try swimming today or just mingle in the market?”

Mardea thought a moment, “Market wandering sounds good for now. Plus I didn’t bring a swimsuit- I doubt jean overalls would fair well in a pool.”

“Hmm, fair point.” Mina skipped ahead, stopping at a sunglasses stall. The sun reflected off them, making the products glitter and look more enticing.

Mardea glanced around the crowd. Mina was at that stall, whereas Tsuyu and Momo had been lost to the growing population of the market. The tips of her hair shifted to magenta. Her eyes scanned the scenery. Where were their energy signatures?

“Nice trick,” Mardea froze at the unfamiliar voice behind her, magenta instantly switching to lilac, “Color shifting is good for quick blending into crowds, though I feel that this little cosmetic show is a front for your quirk.”

It was a feminine sounding voice- maybe an older woman who smoked on occasion?

“I can feel your thoughts from back here, pumpkin.” A warm hand gripped her right shoulder, “You don’t have to turn around, I know who you are, Mardea. Don’t you think it’s strange that I snuck up on you with your magenta setting on?”

The lilac grew.

“You don’t need to be afraid. I want to help you. There’s a lot of energy in this world, you know. How would it be to not feel like it’ll crush you at any moment? What if you could control it? Not your definition of control- you still let that Code Black sit alone, festering. What if you could harness it?”

“Hey ‘Dea?” Mina’s voice called out, “We got lunch! Where ya at?”

“I will find you again,” The hand left, “Be wary, Mardea. You’re not the only one who knows energy.”

Momo came through the people, “Guys! She’s over here!” She turned, smiling, “Where have you- oh my god are you okay? You’re purple-y.”

Mardea looked up, eyes matching her hair, “We need to leave. Now.”

“Okay yeah. Yeah.” Momo took her twin’s hand, “You’re okay now. We’re here.” Mina and Tsuyu emerged, confused at the color shift. Momo pointed at them, “We’re leaving. Now. Back to UA.”

-----

“You’re sure it was a woman?” Aizawa sat across from Lin in his office.

Lin shrugged, “That what she sounded like. She snuck up on me, didn’t let me turn around.” She pulled her shirt collar over to expose her shoulder, “She bruised me when she grabbed me.”

Aizawa raised an eyebrow, “How did she do that?”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Lin’s stress boiled over, red and lilac strands forming in her hair, “I don’t know who she is all I know is I didn’t sense her and she said I wasn’t the only one who knew energy and that she’s gonna find me again and I don’t know how to not let that happen because if I cant find her then no one can find her probably like how-” A gasp of air, hair returning to normal, as Aizawa grabbed her shoulders, kneeling in front of her.

“You need to calm down.” His voice was calm. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to tell you to not worry, because I know you will anyway. All the teachers will be on the lookout for suspicious women around campus. I’ll let the Pro-Heroes know that this happened and see if they can snoop out anything. Okay?”

“Okay…” She leaned forward, hugging him with tears in her eyes, “Thank you…”

A smile, “It’s okay.”

[sodasyrup]

I love,,,,, domestic lava au... You should do more of it. I'd love to know more about reka and monty too!

BWAAA...

Okay as I said it’s an au with kittie (6kuro) so I’m gonna grab the things it said and I said lmao

warning its a LONG disjointed post bc im too tired to make. a good post fdhghdf

lovelypeaches08/28/2019cole and kai would settle down real late like....in their late thirties because they want to keep their children as safe as possible, being elemental masters and having enemies and all

at first wu wants them to fight longer and shit but hes OLD so who cares and theres probably conflict on thatbut kai and cole are old enough to realized they dont have to be controlled

so they get married, symbolically if anything, because they've been dating for probably a little over a decade now and known each other even longer, AND been living together for the same amount of time

theyre the first of the ninja to settle down, and they buy a small house in a village thats maybe an hour away from ninjago city

the tininess of the house is made up for by the largeness of the yard, where cole likes to garden, especially fruits and vegetables

cole works as a stay at home free lance artist, doing stuff like commissions, book covers, comics, etc for moneykai does something that puts his charisma to use, probably something in business that lets him advertise and talk a lot..he could never settle down for a stay at home job or anything, even with all his thrilling ninja stories

they have enough money from donations and awards to thrive off these jobs, and ninjago probably pays them kind of like retirement

cole cooks for kai so he always has a meal ready when hes home, so then kai cooks on the weekend

anyways, they have two kids, about 3 years aparti haven't figured them much out yet, but kai and cole cook and bake with themcoles parenting style is very protective and rather spoils them, while kai lets them do whatever as long as its not immediately dangerousthey balance each other out well, so their kids grow up loved and well rounded

lovelypeaches08/28/2019coles always buying them sweets and treats and Kai pretends to be annoyed but thinks its really cute

the kids go to a small school on the outskirts of ninjago city, and get asked about their parents a LOT. they kind of like the attention but it gets irritating

moving on to the other ninja who also start to settle down,jay doesnt really want kids, so he passes on his powers with ~science~ or something, but only when hes a lot olderhe does engineering at borg industries or something, and he messes around a lot but gets away with it bc hes the blue ninjahes like kai and coles kids Fun Uncle, since he lives in a big apartment in downtown ninjago city, with a bunch of cool techkai and coles family often take elongated road trips therejay thinks hes a cool relative but besides being super lenient hea actually kind of embarrassing lol

nya settles down a bit later than the rest of them, because she wants to live her ninja days to the fullesti could go on about my domestic samurai au but her and pixal have a kid who gets nyas water powersnya is much more eager to train her kid than cole and Kai are (they want to start properly training thwir children when theyre like 16, much to wus disappointment)nya doesn't force anyrhing on her kid but she doesnt protect her kid from the fact they'll have to train sooner or latershes determined on still changing the world, so she's a strong political leader, with innovative ideas who doesnt approve of ninjagos government and wants to change it for the betterShe also lives in downtown, but isn't as fun as jayher kid is younger than kai and coles, but kai and coles kids look up to them because they're very independent and skilled! their mom is also super cool, but not in a silly way. she rocks leather jackets and drives her kid around on a motorcycle

lovelypeaches08/28/2019zane is tricky for me...i like to imagine him sticking with lloyd to being a ninja or whatever, since hes going to be alive a lonnggg timehe also wants to respect wus wishes, so he teaches students and fights alongside lloydhe does so much less however, and finds a lot of time to visit his friends

kai and coles kids are shy around him at first, him being a nindroid whose still a ninja, but hes so much nicer and softer than expectedhe always brings them presenrs and enjoys quality time with them, so he's basically their favorite uncle

now lloyd continues his master training, to become the next master after wu dies. hed be the one to guide the next generation of elemental masters as well as their parents in training thembut don't worry, he gets a break too, since the other ninja help him out. hes much less burdened then wu was in the later years of his lifeok thats all i think

My commentary now

little boy whos like 3 and super wide eyed and excited and loves pink (when he foudn out zane at one point had a pink gi he asked if he could get one too)older girl around 6 whos a big daddys girl and loves to garden with cole and make mud piez

the little girl is the fire em - she had temper issues linked to autismz which they worked through her with early and never thought of it but she has a big passion for gardening they mistook for elemental connection when rly she just LUVS IT

little boy is em of earth - hes a natural born leader and stubborn, wide eyed and excitable. again bc they worked w both their kids about their tempers and such they never realized he was just naturally good at keeping his composure. also a lot like jay keeping morals upnaturally strong but both their kids are and i hc the super strength doesnt come in until peubertyz

shes a bit of a late bloomer with em powers but one day their little boy accidentally makes a pot hole inside the kitchen bc he was excited over zane cookingthey took too good of care of their kids and his true potential was simple bc he was a litol kid which was im going to live my best fcuking life with friends and family *rips a hole in the ground

kai and cole are the gross sappy parents that trade kisses n their kids are like thats DISGUSTING youre DISGUSTINGLY IN LOVE

Kittie pointslovelypeaches08/28/2019YEAYEYAYAYYEYAYAYEoh god the little boy is part scenecorelikenot full on scene but like punk y2kwhich is a part of scenealso at first cole and kai are super concerned being a ninja will be as mentally damaging and ack as it was for them at times, but lloyd and zane are genuinely good mastersbutnot to get sadbutwhen tragedy does happen somehow, since neither Lloyd nor zane can ease that, cole and kai are so good at helping their kids e thatthey help them recover from it without downplaying their kids concerns and feelings amd give good advice and loveand make being elemental masters a lot easier for their kids than it ever was for them

me again.....

they always get so fucking scared thokai custom makes weapons for themarmor too he spends hours upon hours making sure its perfect and even prays over them to keep their kids safe

anyway when kai n cole visit w them (idk if theyr just adopted at their current age or like.... adopted as babies or surrogate or?? idk but) they visit lloyd and kai softly says "Look! its uncle lloyd" and lloyd starts SOBBING hes just fucking bawlinghis eyes out and when kai offers to for lloyd to hold him lloyds just like are you suure arre eyyuuu thherye so smsmm all kaiii are yoruur suureee thheyrey babbeises

nya is hesitant but ends up being a really good aunt, i meanshe took care of kai /j

zane is a fav uncle and hes always making sweets for them jay is. also sorta a fav bc where zane comes jay follows and jay has a sweet tooth and also makes Cool Toys + hey wanna prank your dadsalso im dramatic and likekai and cole sitting down and having a convo about master wubc he was sorta a shitty mentor and they really REALLY dont want their kids going through any self confident issues nor over stressing bc theyr KDISeventually kai and cole talk to master wu and actually has wu face his terrible practice towards kids and wu accepting he was.............................a bad 'parent' in a senseblebleblelelelelelellekai works but cole absolutely watches over any training when wu is there at first but lloyd is the master now and lloyd is like..........................i dont want kids to go through what i went through kai is like i trust you but also i will murder every single one of you in this dojo if you ever hurt my little girlim doing what i do and taking an au and running im sorry ghdghdfhJACK RAMBLES....their son refuses to wear shoes he lieks dirt on his feet they never really think much of it but its actually really comforting for him to feel the earth under his feet and feel stablethey think its just a stim thing maybe? theyr unsurebut! turns out him Element(also a fear of heights)lloyd tries to be a serious master but hes a big ol goof and can easily be manipulated

ironically.......its the lil boy who often is like HEY!!!!!!!!!!! WE GOTTA TRAIN!

kai and cole agree not to tell anyone what theyre thinking of naming their little boy until he arrives so when the day comes kais holding this tiny little boy and holds him out gentlyand lloyd is already EMOTIONAL because this is a BABY and lloyd softly asks his name n cole cuts in like "hes named after a really brave dude, montgomery. but we're thinking monty as a nickname"lloyd, choking up:(hc garmadons first name is montgomery)

the girl is Reka which means sweet in maori (a personal headcanon for cole) and shes their sweetheart

lovelypeaches09/04/2019bhrnrng this is in domestic au but col and kai teachign their kids instrumentscole and reka wud play piano duets togetherand monty doesnt like instruments much but he likes to singlike a LOT he belts out a song for everythinghe just lieks his own voice

burdletutt09/04/2019HNGGG HFHMONTY LOVS BEING LOUD

lovelypeaches09/04/2019YEAAAHhes like the type who makes a song for everythingmonty voice we rr goinggg to the parkkkkk and the grass isss.........GREEENNNNNNN and there are LOOK THERE ARE SQUIRRRELSSSS and a playground and the skyyyyy isssssssssssss...*deep inhale* BLUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE1E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!kai and cole: you are literally so talented

jay tries really hard to be the Cool Uncle at firstbut Monty just :^TReka gives him an awkward chucklewhen jay stops being Cool ™ hes goofy and thats when they start giggling and liking him more

[theygotmewhipped]

Skin - 10. Goodbye

Word Count: 1 781

“Ou, shit!” I swore after I hit an object that shouldn’t be in here while I was walking to the bathroom to freshen up with eyes barely opened after I woke up. I stopped in my tracks and rubbed my eyes. “Huh?” I looked around to see boxocalypse in the apartment. What are all these boxes doing here? There can be only one person responsible for this mess. “I swear, I’m gonna kill him one day.” I grunted under the breath. “Chanyeol!” I called out to him.

“Oh, good morning, Yumi.” He appeared with one of the boxes in his hands. Something was off about him though and I don’t mean the weirdly huge number of boxes he stocked in here. I observed him, trying to figure out what’s wrong.

“Are you okay?” He asked me confused after I just quietly stared at him.

“Yeah, I’m fine but…” That’s it! I know what feels so wrong. He’s uncharacteristically gloomy. “What are you doing with all those boxes?” I asked. Rather than his feelings I regarded what bothered me.

“It’s been a month.” He put down the box he was holding.

“Eh? What’s been a month?” I asked puzzled.

“You won.” He said as if I should know what he was talking about.

“I won? What did I win?” Definitely not a lottery because that would mean I had a luck for once in my life. But it’s too early to think of anything else.

“The bet we made, remember? So I’m moving out.” He went to his room leaving me completely frozen.

“Moving…out?” I said to myself trying to connect the dots. Right! The bet! Ding, ding, enlightenment. Ha, I knew I would win! A victorious grin spread on my face. How could I forget about that? Freedom, here I come! Don’t worry, Netflix, babe, I won’t ever neglect you again. And my sweet bed, my sweet sweet baby, the love of my life, it’s gonna be a nap time as often as it used to be. We are gonna sleep, eat, chill and repeat. Just like the good old days. With occasional interruption by school and work, but yeah. I’m back, baby. The satisfaction from this victory is greater than I expected. It’s like a burden has been lifted from my chest.

I made a weird celebratory dance and grinned to myself. No more waking up to loud noises, no more compulsory activities outside, no more Baekhyun and company. I can’t believe I actually got what I wanted for once. Take that, Minha! Your attempt to get me to connect with someone failed. Muhaha! I never been this happy so early in the morning. Feels good. I happily strolled to the kitchen not needing to go to the bathroom anymore and began preparing a hot cocoa. I actually started dancing in front of the counter and whistling.

“Wow, it’s been a month and I haven’t once seen you this energetic, before lunch not to mention.” He creased his eyebrows, holding another box of his stuff.

“Wouldn’t you be happy as well if you won something?” I couldn’t stop smiling.

“I guess…” He paused for a moment. “If you are honest, won’t you miss me?” His lips were in a straight line, eyes burning right through me with a sad glint.

“Hmm, nope, I think not.” I said cheerfully without giving it a second thought.

“Not even a little?” His face showed signs of disappointment.

“Dude, I’ve been waiting for this since the day one. What do you think?” I blurted out.

“Oh…okay.” He looked down. “I’ll take only the necessities today and comeback the day after tomorrow for the rest if it’s okay.” He informed me.

“Yeah, sure.” I agreed. Honestly I couldn’t care less if I have to see him one more time since I don’t have to see him ever again after that. I made myself breakfast while Chanyeol carried his stuff to the car.

“Aright, see you later, then.” Chanyeol said his goodbye and left. Wow, can you hear it? Nope? Exactly. The peace and quiet. I took a deep breath and smiled. Netflix, here I come!

After four hours of catching up with the unseen episodes, spreading on the couch in my pajamas I turned it off, disinterested. I seated myself and stared at the black screen. Was it always this…dull? I looked around the room, seeing all those boxes, taking in the silence. This…feels wrong somehow. Or maybe I’m just tired. Whatever, I’m gonna take a nap for a bit. I moved to the bed and l lay down. However, no matter how much I tried to fall asleep I couldn’t. Usually I would just close my eyes and fall asleep but not this time. It’s like my body works in a different regime than it used to.

After half an hour I gave up. “Screw it!” I’m just gonna play some games. I sat back in front of the TV and turned on the console. No matter what I played I lost every goddamn time. “Fucking bullshit!” I threw the controller on the couch and stood up. It’s like I’ve wasted all my luck this morning.

I aimlessly walked around the apartment. Something in me was twitching, not just because I was angry. I opened the fridge looking for a comfort food. But as usual didn’t find anything interesting so I took out the milk bottle and closed the fridge drinking from it. A certain picture on the fridge caught my attention and not just because the only one that was there. I stopped drinking to look at it properly.

How long has it been here? What is it, two weeks since we were in the hospital? And yet this is the first time I’m actually looking at it. Always just quickly pass by it like it doesn’t exist. An unimportant piece of paper stuck to the fridge. I thought Chanyeol would pack it as well since it’s from one of those kids.

Stupid children’s brain. As if drawing the three of us holding hands with caption ‘Best Friends Forever’ in a rainbow color would make it reality. She won’t last long, and in three days I and Chanyeol won’t ever see each other again. Forever is always temporary when it comes to people.

And still, while I’m looking at it, it makes me remember the most of that day. Chanyeol’s beautiful voice. The way all those kids adored him like an older brother. Me being an asshole. Me trying to be a less of an asshole. Yeah, good times, good times. My wallet still hurts and I don’t want to see pizza at least for another month. But it’s not all that bad, is it? I did something good for once. Although I still don’t understand why that idiot had my sketch tattooed on him. It wasn’t even that good.

“Whatever, not my body.” I shrugged and put the milk back into the fridge. I took down the picture and put in on one of the boxes for Chanyeol to take it later. I don’t intend to keep it. I don’t need it and I don’t want it.

What should I do now? I looked around myself and saw the boxes. Right, I need a new roommate. I took my laptop and began to write down the advertisement. Making sure there was no chance anyone too friendly or active would answer to it. Seriously I don’t want another Chanyeol. One was more than enough. I stared at the finished ad before posting it. Nah, not gonna do it. It can wait. I can manage a month of a full rent. I should just enjoy having no one around as long as I can.

After I gave up on that I looked for something else to do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I could clean up Chanyeol’s room since he’s all packed up. I prepared a mop and bucket and entered the empty room. I put on some music to make the cleaning more entertaining and started to clean the floor. I sang along the songs and danced with the stick of the mop acting like I’m some kind of a superstar. Well, Chanyeol wouldn’t have to pretend. He sings like a god and his voice is like a blanket to a soul. Goddamit, stop! You finally got rid of him so why are you bringing him up again?! I don’t know, stop yelling at me. It’s just another destination of my train of thoughts it’s not my fault. I spun around with the mop hitting a nightstand followed by a sound of something hitting the floor. I turned around to pick it up but stopped when I saw it was a picture frame. Did he forget it here? I hope it didn’t crack. Must be important if he framed it. I reached out for it and lifted the frame.

“No way.” I said in disbelief staring at the photo in the frame. It’s been just a few days and he has it framed already? I was looking at myself after we had climbed that stupid mountain. Is this some kind of a joke? Did he leave it here to spite me? It’s really nice though. Well, it’s not like I expected Chanyeol’s idea of spite to be anything worse. Unless he actually forgot it here. But that would mean he had my photo on the nightstand.

I observed myself in the photo and couldn’t help but smile a little. I look so at peace despite the fact that I wanted to kill him at that moment. It feels so weird looking at myself not recognizing the person just because of a fleeting emotion. It was so awkward after that. I couldn’t even look him in the eye for the rest of the day and rather spend it conversing with Sehun trying to ignore the looks Chanyeol gave me.

I put the frame back on the nightstand and finished the cleaning. After that I opted to watch Netflix again. I watched the moving screen but I couldn’t stop my thoughts from wandering back to Chanyeol.

This is ridiculous! The only reason he’s creeping into my mind is because he was here for so long that I got used to having him around. I just got adapted to the new environment and now I’m experiencing some kind of a Stockholm syndrome or withdrawal or something. Tomorrow I won’t even notice that he’s not here and after his things are gone I won’t even get reminded that he ever was here. It’s natural that I’m feeling like somethings not right. It’s just a work of habit.

First Chapter——–Previous Chapter——–Next Chapter

[seaveysbabygirl]

Why Don’t We...Have A Baby? (Daniel Seavey Imagine)

“So Miss (Y/L/N), the test results came back and you are one month pregnant. Congratulations.” The doctor told me with a smile which soon dropped.

I felt the whitening of my face. I felt my body go numb. I saw my whole world come crashing down.

“I...I’m pregnant?” I said more to myself but the Doctor heard me anyway.

“Yes, one month. Is there a problem? Was this not planned? Because we also have connections to abortion clinics if that’s an idea. But I highly advise giving up your baby for adoption.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, is the father in the picture?”

“For now…”

“You’re what?!” My best friend yelled in my face.

“Pregnant, KC, I’m pregnant. I have a baby inside me. Daniel’s baby.”

“Have you told him yet?”

“No, of course not. I came to you first.” I signed. I felt anxious, so I started pacing the room and pulling at my lip, “KC, I don’t know what to do. I’m way to young to have a baby right now. I’m still in school! Dani’s going on tour soon. I’m thousands of miles from home. I’m only a waitress. How am I going to support this thing? How am I going to support myself? How-“

“(Y/N)! Breathe! Just breathe. You’re going to start having a panic attack. Just calm down, okay?” KC said stopping me from talking.

“What is he going to say…he’s going to leave me…” I said as tears slowly went down my face.

“No he won’t, Daniel is a good guy. He doesn’t seem like the type to leave you alone in this serious of a situation.”

“You don’t know that. KC, he’s just starting out his career. He doesn’t have time for a kid. He barely has time for me!” I said running a hand through my hair. “I’m going to break up with him.”

“What?! No! Don’t do that, (Y/N) you know that’s not the right way to do this. Just tell him, he’s apart of this baby too. Besides think of it this way, you two always wanted kids. You’re bound to get married one of these days. You’re just ahead of your time is all. Also, at least when you’re in your forties you’ll be the cool young grandma.” She tried lighting in the mood.

“Be serious right now dude. I don’t know what to do.” You said running your hands through your hair as you fell onto the bed.

“I say just tell him the truth, I have full faith in you.”

                                          — — 2 weeks later — —

“Are you fucking dumb? I told you tell him not break up with him and disappear off the face of the earth!” KC yelled at me from the phone.

“I’m sorry! I panicked okay. I told you, he’s starting out his career and I’m trying to get my life together.” I said guiltily.

She gave a long sigh before saying, “Where are you anyway?”

“I moved back to my hometown with my parents. Please, please, please don’t tell Dani.”

“Why?”

“Because like you said I disappeared and I want to keep it that way.”

“You know he’s going to find you eventually right? You can’t hide from him forever.”

“I can try.”

It’s been a year and a half since I last saw Daniel in person. KC stayed in California but flew over and saw once in a blue moon to visit me and the baby. I moved out of my parents house again and got a little apartment fit for me and baby, payed for by my little nine to five job. Our baby is beautiful, she has my light skin, lips, nose, hair, but she had Daniel’s beautiful blue eyes. A unique one she is. She’s called Annalise, my little grace from God. If only Daniel knew of her, I knew he’d fall in love with her instantly. But I still believe it was better this way...that he not know of her. Not yet at least.

I was at the grocery store with Annalise buying some baby supplies.

“And we need some diapers for you little miss.” I said more to myself.

As I turned the corner I hit someone else’s cart.

“Oh I’m sorry, I wasn’t- (Y/N)?” The all too familiar voice said.

“Dani…”

“This is where you’ve been this whole time? Right in plain sight.” Daniel said.

“I-“

“Why? Why did you run away from me? Who’s baby is this?” Daniel asked frantically.

I can tell a wave of emotions had come over him because I had too.

“Daniel can-“

“All this time, you’re here. Why did you leave me? Did I do something to you? Do you not love me anymore?”

“No that’s not-“

“Then what? What is it?”

“The baby, Daniel.” I said.

“The baby? What about this baby? Whose is it?”

“Yours. Ours. That’s why I ran...I didn’t think you wanted a baby right now.” I said shyly biting the inside of my cheek.

Little Annalise looking between us as she bit her fingers.

“A baby…this baby…I have a…wh-why didn’t you tell me (Y/N). You thought running…not here.” He said sighing looking around.

There was an elderly couple looking at us and some associates looking at us as well.

“We can go to my hotel and talk about this privately.” He offered.

“No, my place. So she can run around while we talk and it’s babyproofed.” I said.

“Okay, whatever makes you happy. Cause that’s what I care about, you and your happiness.” He said abandoning his cart.

“Daniel…”

We were at the apartment, Daniel was playing with Anna while I made her some milk.

“You wanna play with that? Here you go.” Daniel cooed at Anna handing her a stuffed toy. “You’re so beautiful. Just like your momma.”

“She has your eyes though.” I said as I sat down on the floor with them.

Daniel handed me Anna and I started to feed her.

“So…that’s my kid, huh?” Daniel said.

“Yeah, Annalise Kerianne Seavey, dont ask why there are two Anne’s in in the name, it sounds to good to me.” I said.

“It’s beautiful baby. But can you explain to me…everything?”

“So…as you can see I was pregnant. And..I didn’t know how tell you because you had to just launched the new album, your career was really talking off and I didn’t think you’d want the pressures of a baby on top of that so I left.”

“Why…why didn’t you just tell me? We could’ve talked about this. We could’ve figured something out. We could’ve done this together. Like we’ve always done.”

“Because Daniel-“

“Because what? You don’t trust me?”

“Not that I don’t trust you, I do. It’s just-I don’t know. I got scared.”

“Did you think-did you think I wouldn’t love you anymore? You thought I’d leave you?”

“We’re so young Dani, barely twenty and already have a kid. I was thinking a lot of things.”

“Did you ever think I wouldn’t be able to see you again? To find out? You think you could’ve kept this a secret?”

“No. I knew you’d find me eventually, you’re always able to find me. But I wanted you to have your career, your life. I didn’t want to be a burden to you.”

“(Y/N), listen to me. I love you. I will always love you, no matter what happens to us. And I want to love this little girl too. I know we’re young. I know it’ll be tough, but I know we can do it. You know I’ve always wanted kids, never thought it’d be this early, but I do want kids especially with you. I want our family.”

“Really?” I asked unsure.

“When have I ever not been sure about our relationship?”

“Never.”

“So what makes it different now?”

“Um…a child?”

Daniel chuckled and grabbed your hand, “I love you, (Y/N). And I can’t wait to love this little girl.”

“So, we’re back together then?”

“Yup.” He smiled.

“Good cause I’ve been wanting to do this since I saw you.” I said kissing him.

It’s been so long since I felt these lips. So long since I felt his touch. Felt his love. During our kiss, Annalise decided we wanted so loving to.

“Awe, I can’t forget you baby girl.” Daniel said to her giving her a kiss. “We’re what I always wanted us to be, a family.”

“Together.”

“Together.”

(A/N: good? bad? great? need to find a new hobby?

[jkl-fff]

JKL I cannot stress this enough. ANSWER ALL OF THEM.

Heh. Why pick when you can just request all of them, right?Here we go, then (and thanks for the asks!)

Slightly Invasive Gay Asks

1. What’s your gender?

Hmm … Since I find the idea ofconceptual genders rather poetic (not recognized terms, but abstractdescriptions), I’ll give one of those: quirky and enthusiasticlanguage-literature-writing teacher who unironically uses a lot of Uncle Irohgifs and giggles like Scooby-Doo when someone make a particularly potent pun. Also, I’m a cis man with inclinations more towards non-toxic masculinity.

2. What are your pronouns?

He/His Grace, preferably, thoughI’ve no problem with people using Him or They/Them, I suppose.

3. Is your family accepting?

I’m fortunate enough to say theyare. Mom’s still worried about my spiritual and emotional well-being—about mefinding happiness, and worrying it might not happen like this—but that’s justwhat moms do.

4. What do you wish you could tell your past self?

Righteousness and Wickedness aresocial constructs propagated and perpetuated by authority figures to maintainan ideology which benefits them. So is “God the Father” (and Jesus Christ andthe Holy Ghost) as you conceive of them, or as anyone else ever conceives ofthem. You are *free* to do *whatever you want* so long as it doesn’t infringeon the freedom of others.

This means, boyo, that being gay isn’t a sin.Which is good, because you are gayer than a fruit bat. Just embrace it already,and you’ll be a lot more at peace with yourself and the universe.

5. What is your sexuality?

Hella gay,my dudes. Hella gay.If I wanted to expand further,I’d add placiosexual (I get off on pleasuring other people more than being pleasured).

6. Favorite color?

A deep and rich purple, like Tyrianor Imperial purple. Though I am increasingly fond of light pinks. And black is always in season.It’s funny, but as a kid I’d always say dark blue because I didn’t want peopleto think I was gay. Naturally, purple was the gay color, while blue was a safe“boy’s color” … for reasons … Isn’t heteronormativity absolutely silly?

7. Sun Gay or Moon Gay?

Moon, I guess? The sun is sogarishly bright. Even harshly so. But the moon is tastefully understated—just reallyelegant, y’know?—and also gentle and cyclical.

8. When did you find out your sexuality?

This is a rather difficult questionto tackle thanks to the cognitive dissonance imposed by heteronormativity … 

Onsome level, I *had* to have known since I started masturbating regularly (atage 13 or 14), because I only ever fantasized about other boys and guys. And I *was*aware of this on some level. However, the very idea of being gay was soinconceivable for a mormon boy (and socially stigmatized thanks to thepejorative use of the word “gay” to mean basically “stupid” from elementarythrough high school), that I refused to recognize it for years. Like, I was soinvested in being a good, mormon boy that I truly fully planned to follow themormon track of serving a religious mission for 2 years, marrying a woman inthe temple (big thing for mormons, that temple marriage), and probablyeventually having a kid or two (though I’ve never actually wanted to havechildren).

Ergo, it wasn’t until I was 19 and on a mission in France, working and livingnonstop with other guys (most of whom were quite good-looking AND had notrouble lounging around in their underwear when we were at home), that I couldno longer lie to myself. That was when I consciously recognized and consciouslybegan to struggle against “the burden of Same Sex Attraction” (as mormons insiston calling it) through “the power of faith” in Ja-eeee-sus Chrys’theLORD.

You can extrapolate from the present-day contents of my blog (and the abovesarcasm) how successful that was. Honestly, I’m rather surprised thepsychological distress such internalized and slow-toxic homophobia caused neverdrove me to take a leap of faith off a building at some point between ages 20and 25.

But those dark days were over when, at 25, I fell in love for the first time,and decided that there wasn’t much sense in being miserable, self-loathing, andlonely anymore. That’s when I started the process of coming out.

So … take your pick, I guess: it’s 13, 19, or 25.

9. How was your day?

Apart from sleep deprivationweighing me down (which is my own fault, as I stayed up late writing, then hadto get up early to lesson plan), it was grand! Went to work in the afternoonand got a good workout there moving freight, then went to teach my French classin the evening and had a ball while doing it!

10. Do you have any gay friends?

Bitch, at this point, I’m wonderingif I have any *straight* friends.Seriously, though, I do have some straight friends. But my closest friends areall openly queer in one way or another.

11. What’s your favorite hobby?

Taekwon-Doand writing.

12. Who’s the best gay icon in your opinion?

Garnet, anthropomorphicrepresentation of a now-married, WLW couple WHO KICKS ALL OF THE ASS BECAUSESHE IS MADE OF LOVE A N D  I T  I S S T R O N G E R   T H A N  Y O U,  J A S P E R!

13. Which Pride flags do you like the most design/colorwise?

Hard not to love the classic Gay Priderainbow, since it accessorizes with everything, though I prefer one thatexplicitly makes sure to include PoC, such as this one:

(Does anyone know who made this one?I saved a copy when I first saw it, because it’s fantabulous,but have never seen the post for it again.)

For the colors, the Bi and theTrans flags are quite lovely combinations, too.

14. Are you openly out?

You tellme:

Yeah, I wear this everyday becauseI got tired of people even contemplating the possibility that I might bestraight.

15. Are you comfortable with yourself?

More-or-less, and I think more thanless as time goes on. There are still bad days, but … once I understood thatbeing kind to people *also* means being kind to *myself*, it became a loteasier to become comfortable with myself. AND also easier to actually recognizeand work constructively on the parts of me I wished to improve.

16. Bottom or Top?

As a matter of principle, I striveto at least *be willing* to be verse—strive to never ask for anything I’m notwilling to give back, but … I definitely prefer to take charge and Top (evenwhen, or especially when, still giving manual or oral pleasure).Who knows, though? Maybe I just haven’t been topped right.

17. Femme or Butch?

Bold of you to assume I have aconsistent style.Seriously, though, im be Butch, I guess? I don’t really seek to present in afeminine way, so by default that make me Butch … Right? I dunno.

18. Do you bind?

Only myroot foot to strengthen it against a lingering ankle injury when I go to work.

19. Do you shave?

Only when I have to tidy up mybeard. No one shall see all of my face EVER AGAIN!

20. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be?

Right now, it’d be a coworker ofmine named Justin. He’s just … such an adorkable nerd with a really upbeatpersonality, and I find him very cute. And physically attractive, too. Like,damn, have you *seen* his assets? (obviously you haven’t, but trust me, they’requite pleasing assthetically)Unfortunately, he’s already married to another guy, who I hope knows he’sdamned lucky.

21. Do you have a partner (s)?

Alas, I donot. I’ve been somewhat unlucky in love.

22. Describe your partner (s)?

Hidden from me—hidden somewhere outthere, hopefully searching for me as I search for him … hopefully soon to crossmy path …

23. Have you ever dated anyone of the same sex?

I thinkabout 10 different guys. Obviously, none of them worked out.Some of them might have, but Iwasn’t ready at the time, and now it’s too late …  Oh well. Life goes on.

24. Anyone of another sex?

Technically, I suppose I’ve been ontwo dates with women. For the first (a double date) we were theoretically goingto a high school dance … but none of us were really into that when we gotthere, so instead we just drove around in her truck and made her stuffedpenguin heckle other drivers. The second was a few years later, and we went to a young, single adults gameevening after having dinner with her family. Annnnnd … that’s it.

25. Pastel Gay or Goth Gay?

I ain’tgoth, that’s for sure. But I’m not sure I’m pastel, either …

26. Favorite dad in Dream Daddies?

While I’ve never played the game,the most physically attractive one to me is the redheaded bear. Mostly becauseanyone else who might be physically attractive to me ruins the effect with amustache (THEY HAVEN’T BEEN STYLISH SINCE THE 70s, AND EVEN THEN THEY LOOKEDSTUPID!) or by being unrealistically sculpted (and I am *not* into that; I likemy men to look like they actually exist in the real world).

27. Tell me a random fact about yourself.

I have, like, over 20 neckties leftover from my mission days. I hardly ever use them anymore because I loathedressing up … but I have used them for some fun with other guys, and hope I getto do so again, soon.

28. Do you own any Pride flags/merch?

Just the rainbow bracelets picturedabove … and also a pair of rainbow socks, though those were actually procuredfor (not by) me … so I could officiate a *straight* couple’s marriage,ironically.

29. Have you ever been to a Pride Parade?

I’ve been to three. The first twowere … alright, I guess. Like, it was exciting to go to something so openlyqueer—so loud and proud—the first time (even if I had to hurry home for churchstuff for my little brother’s mission homecoming … let me tell you, that was a dayof extremes). And fun to go with my then boyfriend for the second.But … I dunno … There was a big crowd, and a lot of noise and heat (what withit being the middle of June). Introverted ol’ me wanted to go home—or at leastsomeplace quiet an cool—after about an hour, because the novelty had worn offby then.

The third, however …I was visiting my aunt in Washington D.C. That Sunday morning, we were walking tosome of the Smithsonian museums when we just happened, entirely by accident, tocross paths with the advancing Pride Parade. So we stopped and watched it for,like, half an hour … I suppose it was more of a March than a Parade,technically, which might be why it resonated with me more than the other twohad. But all the same …Here’s more on that event: http://jkl-fff.tumblr.com/post/161753611614/dc-pride

30. Any advice to someone who isn’t out, or who is exploringthemselves?

Two things: Go with what feels right for you. Your labels might or might not change, butyour understanding of what they mean for you definitely will develop and deepenover time (this is part of what “gender is fluid” means; it isn’t fixed and unchangeable,because *your identity* is neither fixed nor unchangeable). Be truthful enough withyourself to let it happen. Because in the end, the only wrong answer … is adishonest one.

Also, learn as much sympathy, empathy, compassion, and compersion as you canfrom your negative experiences. Like, it is inevitable that you will suffer inlife, so learn how to be aware of and kind towards the suffering of others.Exclusionists absolutely disgust me, because after suffering discrimination andoppression … they decide to put others through the same kind of needless pain.Gods above, life is hard enough as it is, so don’t go out of your way to makeit harder for others. Let your negative experiences motivate you to make sureno one else has to go through such bullshit ever again.

Thanks again! These were a lot of fun!

[thebeckychronicles]

Post 23- Thank You

The morning of my biopsy my siblings sent their love over our group chat. Their messages of encouragement were the last thing I saw before the procedure began.

My sister and my dad were in the room with me when the doctor told me it was cancer.

The day I was diagnosed a family friend brought us pizza and comforted my dad. Thanks Colt.

The day I was diagnosed another family friend from my parent’s church came and prayed with my parents and I. Gracias Hermana Dora.

The day I was diagnosed my dad didn’t go to work and my mom sat on the floor next to my bed as I slept. I thought if I could sleep through this ordeal I could handle it.  

A few days after my diagnosis other family friends stopped by and brought us groceries and their prayers.

The week of my diagnosis my best friend’s parents called mine to voice their support and their love.

The week after my diagnosis, I needed to get out of the house, so my brother drove me to the mall while I cried in the passenger seat the whole way there.

My mother stopped working, despite my protests, to take care of me. I now realize how much I needed her with me.

My dad would always call throughout the day to see how I was doing.

In the weeks following my diagnosis I’d wake in the early mornings to the sound of my mother’s prayers; I’ve imagined her soft words veiling me in armor since.

The first day of chemotherapy, longtime friends visited me at home and brought me snacks. Thanks Mara and Ariana.

A childhood friend insisted on visiting me during chemo on different occasions. Thanks for the muffins and singing me to sleep Steph, you’re my favorite savage.

LaraLaraLaraLara! Thank you for your encouragement and for plying me with baked goods and your wonderful care package. The box alone brightens my day.

Throughout this whole process Nancy, you’ve checked in on me. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Also thanks for the HUGE conchita. Life made dude.

To friends from church who came and visited me and didn’t ask me to talk about my diagnosis that felt fresh in light of my shortened hair, thank you Jennifer and Jasmin. Big thanks for the hooking it up with bomb conchas and coconut oil.

Sam, you’re always checking in on me, and planning our next hang out. Whether it was Taco Bell or seeing a movie, thank you for getting me out of the house and being my constant friend throughout this thing. 

Kelly, thank you for coming to visit me from Chicago. Thank you for checking in on me and for all your tips and gifts on combatting the terrible side effects that we shared. You brought me so much joy and continue to do so. I can’t wait to see you again.

Kim, we met the day before my birthday, a few weeks before my diagnosis and you showed me the kindness and thoughtfulness of a longtime friend. Thank you for showing me such friendship.

Cindy, you’ve sent me messages of encouragement and have brought me pan dulce and chocolate abuelita. Thanks for everything girl.

Roberto, you were one of the first people I called when I found out I was sick. The first thing you said to me was, “We got this. We got this.” Thank you for your love and generosity. Thank you for being more than my friend, thank you for being my family. When you tell me that whatever I need you’re there, I 10000% believe you mean it. And that means the world to me.

D, thank you for reaching out with your own experience. And helping me stay positive as I approached the finish line. Having you on this journey with me for as long as I did was SUCH a comfort. I can’t adequately articulate my gratitude.

To Syd and Mama and Baby Santostefano, thank you thank you thank you for making time to come to Washington and spoiling me with love and quality time while you were here. I love you and I’m so grateful you’ve welcomed me into your family so wholeheartedly. I lava you all.

Tisa, thank you for being my best friend. For treating me normally. For not being weird about the fact that I have cancer. For driving everywhere and maintaining an amazing friendship with me despite the distance. To Shauna, first off, thank you for encouraging my love of reading since the 7th grade. Thank you for being there for me from the beginning. For not bullshitting me with platitudes. Thank you for acting like my sounding board and helping me navigate this whole new experience. Thank you for letting me whine, letting me share my frustrations and annoyance with you. Thank you for understanding my sarcasm and my morbid humor. Thank you for opening your home to me next month. I can’t wait to see you.

These are just a few of the many acts of love and kindness that my community has shown me this year. I really could go on forever. Even if I didn’t mention you by name just know I appreciate all those who’ve kept my family and I in their thoughts and prayers and have reached out to me.

After my parents got off the phone with my best friend Lety’s parents, I couldn’t help but voice how taken aback I was by the outpouring of love and support I had received since announcing my diagnosis on Facebook. I truly hadn’t expected much of a reaction, not because it’s not a shocking thing to say, “I have cancer,” but I’ve always thought I was loved deeply if not widely. I never thought of myself as someone who stood out much, not in junior high and high school, and not after either. This is something that never bothered me so I’m fine with it. I told my parents I hadn’t expected so many people to reach out to me following that Facebook post. In response my dad said that the outpouring of support and love was the result of “el impacto de alguien que camina por un jardin y tiene cuidado no causar dano.” The impact of someone who walks through a garden without causing damage. He went on to say how proud of me he is.

En toda honestidad Pa, la única razón por la cual yo sé cómo caminar con cuidado por un jardin es porque yo sigo los pasos de usted y mi mama. Espero poder seguir sus pasos por el resto de mi vida. Gracias por apoyarme durante este año. Ustedes dos se han esforzado en proveer para toda la familia. Gracias por acompañarme a cada cita, por no dejar que yo este sola, por su paciencia conmigo. Gracias por amarme en los tiempos más difíciles. Estoy tan agradecida con Dios por haberme dado ustedes como padres. Love you.  

I’m so blessed to be so wholly loved.

I started writing my love letters to my family and friends, early on in my cancer journey, because I never doubted that they would be my desperately needed support system. As I made my way through this journey, and as I’m nearing the end, I continued adding to these letters and here they are.

To my family as a whole: parents, siblings, aunts and uncles and cousins: gracias por todo el amor y apoyo que me han dado. Gracias por no dejar que yo pase por esto sola. Gracias por amarme.

Maha- you are the planner, my realist that I need when I needed grounding. You brought my family and I reassurance that this too shall pass. You’ve made me feel safe in a time when being in my own body felt risky and dangerous. Thank you for always thinking of me, for reminding me to love myself, for reminding me that God is good, always. Thank you for being my mentor, my friend. My family. I can’t tell you how blessed I am to know you and have you in my life. Surely God loves me so much that he gave me you. I love you.

Carlos- thank you for being the levity I needed, for letting me express my emotions (especially anger) out loud without judgement and lectures. You’ve been a gatekeeper for me so thank you for that. Thank you for listening and listening and not asking questions; for reminding others that my treatment plan is my choice. Thank you for caring and not letting my disease be all we talk about. Love you (you’re ugly). .

To my sister Brianda: thank you for being my anchor through this whole experience. Thank you for believing that I’d beat this from the jump and for fiercely advocating for me when I didn’t have the heart or the will to. For caring about my health when I didn’t want to give a shit about my body. You’ve been my confidante and have had the burden of listening to my fears, my anger, my grief, of seeing me at my lowest. Thank you for bearing the brunt of a lot of the honest but ugly and scary things I said. I needed that. Thank you for granting me that bit of selfishness. Thank you for being my gatekeeper against the well-meaning and overwhelming world. I really will never be able to express how much comfort your care brought me in the most painful and seemingly unending times. Thank you for thinking of me and taking care of me even when you didn’t have to. You’re my number one Bad Gal Bri Bri. Love you ugly.

I know lately it has seemed like I’ve only been in and out of a very difficult place. And the reality is I have been. There are good and bad days and I used to think that if a day wasn’t straight up good, it must be bad. But I’ve come to realize that some days are good, others are bad and most are somewhere in between. And that’s okay. As clichéd as it may seem, although I’ve been a bit hung up on the heavy stuff I’m dealing with- because dealing with it demands more attention- I’m actually doing pretty good right now because I have some perspective. The month of May and the beginning of June were especially hard. But I’m doing a lot better now. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that it’s really easy for me, despite my diagnosis, to see how blessed I am. I am absolutely blessed. How can I say I am not? I am so wholly loved; it’s impossible to deny how good I have it.  I have wonderful, wonderful family and friends. And thank you does not at all encompass my gratitude and love for all of them. Even though I don’t understand God, like Maha told me in the beginning, God’s got me.

5 MORE DAYS

[softshouyous-archive]

1- Ok first off, ur just soo *smushes cheeks* adorbs!! 2ndly yea same, it just gives off that nostalgic feeling for some reason.. 3rdly yah ma boi shirou don't mess around lol. He just kept on moving their relationship forward each time they interact! It kept on progressing and the kiss shook my core! I think kiku's in his early 20s at most? But yeah his expressions make me sad, and there's def something more going on in regards to him overworking himself. I hope they find home in each other

2 - That’s most def a callout lmao im sorry!! But no worries tho i’m not judging. If anything i think u have commendable taste in fictional dudes; kurama’s a snacc. Anyways all three titles u mentioned are in my to watch later list! Once i do watch em i’ll let u knoe! And about natsume yuujinchou.. I like it bc it just exudes tranquility to me. Also, the first time i watched it i was just finishing high school and felt uncertain about a lot of things in life and it felt important to me then3 - the titular character natsume himself, and the way the supporting characters interact with one another (and their viewpoint about life) actually helped shape me into what i am today. Like, yknow how tohru from furuba makes us want to be kinder and more emphatic? Natsume inspires the same values in me as well. So yeah. Lol omg sorry for the corny and long take about natsume yuujinchou. I just have a lot of feelings 😂

hgkjdflhskgdfgkhj you’re so sweet omg thank you i’m warm ;____; and omg yes !!!! that’s the word i was looking for LOL i love it when authors can make you feel feelings like that!! i think it’s so interesting omgomg yeah?? i really like shirou’s personality! i’m not great at describing and interpreting charas ghkfd but i think he’s v funny and maybe bold?? i don’t know how to describe it but i like it gjdfgdkfg omg honestly the points where they almost kissed + the actual kiss SHOCKED ME????? 1. i was LIKE ?!?!? i know that the other person was sleeping at both points but like,,, what if they woke up????? hewwo???? that was not good for my heart ghfdgf and 2.  i totally did not expect any of that hgkjdflhsgjdfhgdfj they are pretty cute though, but i am worried that kiku might be in his 20s because shirou is probably around 15 or 16, and that is Quite an age gap 0: 

aaaa yeah ))): i was thinking and i think one of the possible factors may be that he feels really helpless and frustrated with not knowing anything about himself, so he feels like that’s a burden on shirou? since that’s the reason why he’s staying there. so maybe he feels like he has to help him as much as he can in order to compensate, so that may contribute to why he’s pushing himself?? 0: and maybe it might have to do with something from his actual self hm hm we’ll see ! omg no ghdfkjshgfdshgdfsgh don’t worry i was just joking!!!! you can totally say stuff like that, i found it funny LOL god he really is, he’s soooo beautiful omg,,, togashi didn’t have to go all out like that but here we are!!! oh and i meant to ask before, but have you watched yyh??? (no pressure though LOL)

oooo yay!!! they’re sooo good, i don’t think you’ll be disappointed!!!! mp100 is sooo amazing, i’m really glad i picked it up!!! it’s so heartwarming and hopeful, while also capable of making you feel a rollercoaster of emotions gfdgfj and tpn omg,,,, it’s So Much, but in a good way??? it’s so interesting and really keeps you hooked!!!! (also not to be that person, but one of the charas is voiced by the same va that voices killua gjkdfhgf) and kaze tsuyo omg i know it’s not as popular SADLY, but it’s. soooo good, i love the gradual ? progression and pacing of events and chara dev,,,, it’s so nice and inspirational like it actually made me want to run LOL o ywes i definitely get tranquil and gentle vibes from natsume! and don’t worry, it doesn’t sound corny at all, i’m really glad that it it had that effect on you and that it was able to help you through that time, as well as shaping you into who you are today! that def makes me want to watch it even more!! i’ll let you know when i start it, i just have a really bad habit of procrastinating anime for some reason hgfglfjkh

but omg?? you’ve watched fruits basket!?!?! please tell me your thoughts!!!!!!!