#my fault im such a shitty person
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energylessartist · 1 month ago
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I wish today was better than it was. I hate life sometimes. Hopefully it's just seasonal depression or whatever.
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kingbeeleth · 4 months ago
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went thru my roblox recordings the other day and rediscovered meow dancing in rhs
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charliespringverse · 4 months ago
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i think it should be possible to scream without making any noise or disturbing anyone or inviting any questions . just sometimes . as a treat .
#hhhhHHHGHGHHHHHH#jay screams into the void#(deeply personal rant incoming feel free to ignore)#a friend of mine has just been undiagnosed with bpd which . lovely for them but it sure as fuck invites a Lot of questions#suddenly a great deal of previous shitty behaviour that was excused on the basis of bpd has a lot more to answer for#(obligatory I Know BPD Isn't An Excuse To Treat People Like Shit . im aware . i have bpd myself and i have v high standards re my behaviour)#(however allowances were made bc they were unmedicated & out of therapy through no fault of their own)#(and our whole group has enough experience with untreated mental illness to understand that it can make u a bitch sometimes)#but yeah no there have been a LOT of instances of b&w thinking + manipulation + unfair judgement + high emotion + snap reactions#and every situation Could be explained by untreated bpd and the bad times have never been prolonged or often enough to outweigh the good#but Hoo Boy if that wasn't bpd then what the FUCK was it#like either the new psychiatrist is wrong (possible but i seem to be the only one questioning it) or they're just Like That#and again . not enough to outweigh their numerous positive and loveable traits#but the whole group has been destabilised on a number of occasions due to their actions during a bad spell#and i'm really not sure Any Other Explanation is enough to justify that#ah well . this seems like the kind of thing that will eventually come up during a sleepover heart to heart#but rn i'm stuck in a bubble of MAJOR rsd & brainfuck abt it . which is unfortunate bc now is exactly the time i Don't need brainfuck#anyways ✨ goodnight tumblrinas i am . kind of hoping nobody read this bc i fear i sound like a bitch#i am genuinely happy for their undiagnosis it seems to have put many things into perspective for them & theyre v happy about it#i'm just . uncomfy w some aspects of it that i have only been halfway brave enough to discuss with them personally#That's One To Bring Up With My Therapist In A Few Weeks#Bit Of A Shame I'm No Longer In Therapy And Now Have Only 2 Quarterly Reviews Left Before I'm Discharged From The Service
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monachopism · 8 months ago
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being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off
#i hate zionist jews i hate i stand with israel signs in my neighborhood i hate leftists who write and speak and act like theyve never met an#actual jewish person in their life and believe that were all genocidal monsters (in spite of our own genocide which i assume will eventuall#flip around to leftist holocaust denial) i hate that people are blaming israeli civilians for the faults of their deeply corrupt government#i hate that i cant say zionism is inherently antsemitic without getting fucking maimed i fucking hate it here the world is on fire just#fucking let me burn#anyways#sorry#free palestine#any other#jumblr#girlies (gn) relating to my vent#bc im started to feel ashamed of myself my culture and my people#and its such a fucking shitty feeling#like i can barely look in palestine / gaza / etc. tag without seeing blindingly blatant antisemitism coming from left right and center#like just say you hate jews and fuck off#i cant look at this shit anymore fuck#idk why im so worked up about this rn i just. btwn weeding out all the zionist blogs i didnt know i followed and just being so fucking-#and weeding out all the antisemitic leftist blogs i didnt know i was supporting its all just crashing down#im so fucking tired#and im so fucking tired of having to defend myself any time i talk about the jewish experience in any of this#and im so fucking tired of people equating judaism with religion only#and im so fucking tired of the double standard of also equating with only one race#like there arent jews of every race#the reason you cant see any of this shit is because nearly a century later were still dealing with the aftermath of the 6mil person murder#were always at the cross roads of some ridiculous double standard or the scapegoat for when things are going badly#like fuck i just#dont want to have this fucking identity anymore it makes me a walking talking breathing living fucking target#idk what to do I'm just#desolate
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moonlit-orchid · 9 months ago
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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catwouthats · 3 months ago
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Me realizing that hospital visits and diagnoses can prevent me from doing things like getting hired and adopting kids almost as much as jail/prison visits would
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br1ghtestlight · 2 months ago
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listen, i dont know you, but please please do not hurt or kill yourself. i know the election has ended horrifically, and i dont know what else is going on in your life, but please please keep suriviving. keep living. the world has so much wonderful things to offer, and im sure you have so much wonderful things to bring to the world.
keep surviving, keep living. stay strong.
this is VERY SWEET Thank you 😭 im not american so this is less about the actual results of the election and more about the general negative vibes on the internet which i think has a wayyy worse effect on me and always has tbh. But i guess i will probably still stick around i just wish i didnt feel so miserable. just gonna be depressed for the next 6 months or whatever. but u are very kind <33
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adhbabey · 2 years ago
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yknow what, I'm gonna make a fun post about my identity and I wanna talk about shit I'm tired of.
So basically, I am someone who's young looking, sounds young and dresses cutely, and likes cutesy things, and I'm fucking sick and tired of people acting like I, and other people like me, are catering to fucking pedophiles. No the fuck I am not and even if I was associating my shit with kink, I'm still not fucking pedo-bait.
Like, I've seen so many, many people act like any girl or feminine person who likes creepy cute things or just cute things for that matter, are inherently catering to shit that they didn't fucking consent to. Like artists such as Melanie Martinez, get fucking written down as for shit for pedophiles, and I'm fucking tired of people putting labels on people like us, just because our identities may be associated heavily with childhood or innocence or even fucking pink.
I'm a disabled person, and I definitely lived life not reaching developmental goals as soon as other people. I still can't drive a car, I still live with my family, I still haven't had sex, I definitely didn't start wearing more adult clothes until later, I was overprotected and sheltered to the point that I didn't start knowing what swears meant until I was older. I have all my life been associated with being younger or more innocent or more childish, and you're fucking telling me that I can't make that part of my identity or else I'm fucking catering to pedophiles? Fuck you.
Even if it was a kink thing, even if people were calling their boyfriend Daddy or their girlfriend Mommy, or wearing collars and cat ears, or dressing up like anime girls and doing fucking roleplay, even if they wanted to be tied up in fluffy pink handcuffs, who the fuck do you think you are to label them like that? To act like they're too fucking taboo and too fucking weird and cringe and shit, to even grace their goddamn presence to you.
I feel fucking stunted in life, I didn't feel like a fucking adult when I was 18. I feel like my fucking childhood was wasted on trauma and being disabled. I wanted to fucking kill myself at 12 years old. So what gives you motherfuckers the right to label other people as people who want to fucking violate themselves for predators?!
I feel more violated by these words that condescend me and patronize me and attack me, than I do just existing how I normally do. If I want to wear dresses and frilly socks and mary janes and meow, I will fucking do it and its not your right to judge me on that.
And before anyone comes here and says "well it triggers me because I have childhood trauma", well so do I, motherfucker. You can curate your online experience, but you can't harass people like me, who act way too young for their age, because they can't fucking help it, or maybe they just fucking want to be like this.
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uhohproblems · 5 months ago
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hey did you know that shame doesn't actually work to sway people to your opinion
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muttsona · 10 months ago
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cause when you leave, you take more than your love
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multifandomhoodies · 1 year ago
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used the skidsteer a lot today. it's fun but it can get kind of overwhelming bc it's hard to see in and it's loud and I'm not that great at using it. it's also harder trying to listen directions when you're in it and my work partner was stressing me out and i was having a hard time doing what I needed to do. anyways I got irritated because I was overwhelmed and he was making it worse but when he picked me up from dropping me off he apologized for stressing me out
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beeapocalypse · 1 year ago
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dont say this enough but i truly appreciate all of you. thank you for every moment shared
#not to sound incredibly out of it and disconnected from humanity as a whole but all of you are a reminder of an existence outside of this#shitty room. that there is something beyond the day in day out nothing im going to wrestle with forever. i dont know how to word this#i know im unresponsive and reticent and withdrawn and thaat any connection made is temporary and shitty and i am sorry foro that. i don t#know how to be a human being. it isnt due to anyone but mysefl and my shitty insignificant fears. i might not respond i might shy away afte#just a few messages but i truly truly appreciate everything. you make me human#^ sorry that sounds strange as fuck and over reliant on people i cant form lasting connections with but i dont know how else to phrase it#and im going to have to say goodbye one day and it is going to hurt but im not close enough to a single person to make it personal ive just#got frayed and split connections things that mightve been but never bloomed because i just couldnt REPLY so it could always be worse. it is#a mercy it wont hurt as bad as it could when i leave because nobody really got to know me beyond a distant possibility#i wish i could but i just cannot handle being friends with anyone. not of anyones fault but my own#i know im being presumptuous and attention seeking and shitty here. im sorry#i could leave right now. i really could. its a thought that dogs after every single action the knowledge of just how fragile life is. death#is less than five minutes away an easy solution right at my fingertips and still i get too fucking scared to grab ahold of it. clinging to#these ephemeral insignificant connections thaat are now naught but usernames on dashboards and passing thoughts when i ought to just leave
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todayisafridaynight · 1 year ago
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Nooo the trans allegory is also a Big one for me in that song, but I know not everybody is about Trans Aoki so I figured it went well with his disabilities regardless. And like yeah blah blah basic whatever, idc y'know, I'm here to enjoy life so imma listen to music people don't like 😂🤣
But you're so real for the trans Aoki thoughts okay.... I love both cis and trans interpretations of the Boy bc he's fits very well in both categories. It's all just spice y'know!! You sprinkle some of this... Some of that... And tomorrow you make a new dish! Love moving head canons around for funsies
Anyway ty for validating my music choices 🫡 good luck charging your phone
i dont really hc charas any particular sexuality or gender since i always feel weird about it its called being BORING its what I AM but its the way i was playin y7 and just kept jokin bout it every time the game gave me a chance until the very last scene then i was just like.. hm... feels less like a joke to me now... its just what my eyes perceive at this point.. sorry...
but i got you covered with music choices man !!!! i like most music even if it can be considered 'overplayed' or 'generic' like idk man... if it makea me feel ima listen to it..
#snap chats#love how i forgot the Eyes lyrics to Body when it's deadass the first line.. STUPID ASS !!!!!!!#but anyways. yeah it been a hot year since i talked bout trans aoki LMAO#honestly if it wasnt for the fact i saw korean artists draw aoki with top scars (and specifying they were TS scars) then id prob just like#be quiet about it. cause most of the time i was just jokin like the whole injections bit and his voice being hoarse in eng#and nasally in jp... lol.... the jokes were being lined up for me... and then he went and changed his name#and got surgery that made him feel more at home in his body... LIKE THEY PROVIDE NON-TRANS REASONS WHY HE DOES THIS#I KNOW but thats why i just kept /jokin/ bout it cause i was like 'lmao' yk. Lmao congrats your accidental trans rep is republican#AND THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY TO HC HIM AS TRANS CAUSE HE SUCKS !!!!! i want more shitty people as trans rep#im p sure im the only one who 'openly' hcs him trans but not even. like i remember twitter was Allegedly mad at me for drawing aoki a lot#and they made a point bout me makin him trans but like... i never even 'publicly' made him trans..#when i'd draw aoki without a shirt i'd give him scars but those were from his lung surgery.. lmao...#not my fault the scars look Like That... cause i like drawing scars leave me alone...#my DB followers know i was obsessed with drawing yamcha's leg scar from when his leg was broken#Truly just a coincidence but also not cause it Was lowkey intentional but anyways.. lol...#i remember the period where people were askin me bout the hc.. hehe...#My Apologies for going on the Trans Aoki rant i still do very much like to joke bout it with myself.... it was too real to me...#every time i think of The Specifics i start to get like 👁️👁️ because then it gets too real so i gotta stop before i start crying....#it's not that the HC is personal or deep to me or anything it's just funny <- in denial for the bit#anyway.. i havent been able to be productive all day so !! time to start i have a really hectic week and its only getting worse (╯▽╰ )#thanks for letting me ramble... and feel validated for being delulu...#lowkey funny that While True you said not everyone's about the HC Which Is True it's why i dont talk about it a lot#but like... Not To Be Presumptuous And Self-Important but i do remember being one o the first people to bring it up with other aoki fans..#imagine me not being abot my own hc.. or at least one i stand heavily by... lmao..
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papercutsmp3 · 2 years ago
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god im so pissed
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sad-mcmuffin · 2 years ago
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I think Andrew Hozier Byrne was put on this earth to personally victimize me
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djemsostylist · 2 years ago
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I'm spending way too much time thinking about how OUAT could have been so good if it wasn't written like *that* or cast like that and it's making me slowly insane.
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