#my family showed me a clip from season 2 and i’m now going insane

[ctrl-alt-deleting-yr-face]

it’s happened yet again. my family shows me a single little bit of a series and i immediately hyperfixate on it

this motherfucker.

[itsbells]

you’re so hot.

(justin herbert x madison beer) 2 povs

warning: smut, 18+ ONLY

(cute but nashtyyy im sorry in advance🙊)

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justin’s pov

i couldn’t be more excited right now. i was on my way to madison’s show here in LA for her spinnin tour. i’m beyond proud of her and how far she’s come. although this isn’t my first time seeing her perform, it was my first time watching her for this tour specifically. i’ve gone with her to some of her rehearsals before for this tour but never watched the full thing. having to prep for the new season meant i wasn’t able to ride along with her on tour which also meant we haven’t been able to see each other in about 2 months. and god i missed her. i’m definitely not one to be so bold but when it came to madison.. i don’t know she just brings out another side of me. seeing clips and pictures of her performing has been driving me insane. i craved her touch. i craved being inside her, kissing her, feeling how she wrapped herself around me..

“herbooo” “helloo” i was snapped out of my trance by cameron waving his hand infront of my face. “i’m sorry man what did you say?” i said pushing hand out of the way and looked over at him. i was in the back seat behind the driver, next to me was cameron and annie. behind me sat my brothers mitchell and patrick who begged me to let them come. and lastly maxx, yes crosby. we were meeting up with some more of our friends including madison’s too, at the venue.

“don’t ask him any questions right now, he’s not in the right head space until he sees madison” max teased, shaking my shoulders. everyone laughed, i shrugged him off. “fuck off crosby” i looked back with a small smile. he’s not entirely wrong. “alright guys cut him some slack they haven’t seen each other in months” mitchell said patting my shoulder. “thank you MITCH” i teased. “aww yeah guys leave him alone he missed his girl” annie added giving me a soft smile. “just a few more minutes buddy” patrick added patting my shoulder too. i just looked down and smiled at myself, getting more excited to see her.

some time passed and we made it to the arena, i hopped off the truck and followed security as they ushered us in through the back door. my relationship with madison is very private, we’ve been together for a year and a half and just recently there have been a few articles about us potentially being together because madison has been to almost every one of my games so of course it started raising a few eyebrows but we choose to ignore everyone and everything. we like our privacy and thats the main reason we aren’t too public about our love life. the only people that know of our relationship are just our close friends and family.

as we made our way through the backstage area we saw josh and hailee waiting for us. “hey justin!” hailee said and gave me a hug then moving on to everyone else. i went up to josh, “sup j how we doing? you excited?” josh smiled as we shared a hug too. “heck yeah man. it’s been too freaking long” i smiled looking around and hearing all the cheers coming from outside. “have you guys seen her yet?” i added. looking back at them. “i did! she’s in her dressing room still, she should be out in a few minutes but i’m sure she won’t mind if you go in! its here on your right” hailee cheerfully said pointing in the direction of the room. “great thanks lee” i smiled at her. i looked back at the guys before i walked off. “i’ll see you guys in a bit, im going to head over to madison’s room before the show ill meet you guys at our seats” i said to them. “alright herbo, just remember the show starts at 8, don’t make her late now” max smirked at me. i rolled my eyes and flicked him off before walking off. “shut the fuck up” i heard patrick say to him.

i knocked on her door then heard shuffling inside. “come in!” i heard someone say. i opened the door and saw her adding the final touches to her appearance. god she looked so beautiful. she hadn’t noticed it was me until i said, “wait this isn’t my locker room” i smirked closing the door. her snapped in my direction. “omg justin!” she jumped from her chair and ran in my direction into my arms. “i missed you so much” she said while still hugging me. we pulled away, i tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, “i missed you too baby” i smiled then leaned in to finally kiss her. she smiled into our kiss and pulled away, i almost forgot there were other people in the room. i suddenly felt a way of shyness run through me. again i’m not a very bold person. “hey everyone sorry about that, couldn’t help myself” i said with my hands up in defense causing everyone to laugh including madison. she grabbed my hand and lead me to one the chair next to hers then went back to her chair in front of her vanity. “no need to apologize justin, trust me, we get it” tracie, madison’s mom said while walking up to me to give me a hug, after we greeted each other she said, “alright girls let’s head out, give these two some alone time, i’ll see you when you’re up there baby, you’re going to do great” tracie said to madison pulling her into a hug then turning to me to give me a wink before walking out of the room with the rest of the glam team. i continued sitting on the chair next madison’s, just admiring her as she fixed her hair one last time then turned to look at me. she smiled at me, “what are you looking at?” she blushed then turned back fixing her earrings. “you look so heavenly right now” was all i could say. she got up from her chair and walked towards me, standing in between my legs with her hands behind my neck. “thank you j, i’m happy you’re here” she said to me. running one of her hands through my hair. i placed my hands behind her thighs, squeezing them slightly. “me too baby” i said as i took one of my hands behind her neck to bring her down for sweet kiss which turned to a much needed make out session. without breaking our kiss, i stood up from the chair, picking her up by her thighs and gently placed her on her vanity. i whispered sweet nothings into our kiss while i gripped her hips harder grinding myself on her causing her to moan, making me groan. i pulled away from our kiss and started kissing down her neck, my hands slowly reaching under skirt. but she grabbed them then pulled away from my embrace, “we can’t baby, i have to perform in like 30minutes” she smirked at me, her eyes full of lust. fuck me she looks so good from this view. her puppy eyes, her shiny perfect skin, her breast perfectly pushed up by her dress. “cmon baby i need you so bad look at me” i said leaning back down to giver another sloppy kiss, grabbing one of her hands to my hard on. she gasped looking down at the bulge in my pants then back at me, her eyes darker then ever. she bit her lip, “fuck justin, as much as i want to we don’t have enough time” she said running her both her hands up and down my torso. i groaned and gripped her hips again. “you’re going to be the death me” i smirked down at her and started pulling away but was quickly stopped by madison small hands bringing me down by my neck, “i promise it’ll be worth the wait” she whispered to me, then giving me one last kiss before pulling away and jumping off her vanity turning around to fix herself again. “excuse me while i go to the bathroom now” i teased her. she smirked at me “not my fault you got excited too fast” she said to me before bending down over her vanity just enough to give me peak under her skirt and reapplied her lipgloss. this girl is such a tease.

madisons pov

god it took so much in me to not let him fuck me senseless in this dressing room but we both know there would be no show if i let him. he just looked so good. maybe it’s from me not seeing him in so long but something about him wearing something as simple as a basic black long sleeve shirt did things to me. ifykyk… anyways. after justin came out the bathroom, we exited my dressing room and walked hand in hand behind the stage. i started getting my ear pieces on. when i looked to my left to see justin starting at me again. i smiled at him. “you seem like your enjoying the view” i told him walking infront of him after the staff handed me my microphone. he smirked at me and leaned down to my ear, “you have no idea madison” he whispered to me. before i couldn’t say something, one of the staff members yelled for me, “madison you’re up in 10” i looked back at him and gave him a thumbs up. i turned back around to justin, “okay i have to go, hope you enjoy the show” i stood on my toes to give him a quick kiss. but he wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me into a deeper kiss causing me to giggle. “i know i will baby” he whispered to me. “i’ll see you out there, you’re going to kill it” he gave me another kiss and gave me a butt pat before letting me go and started making his way towards his seat. he looked back once more to give me a wink then disappeared down the stairs. he’s been so physical today, he must’ve missed me a l o t. i mean im not complaining, im actually enjoying it very much. i smiled to myself and made my way to my position to start the show.

justin’s pov

as we were all watching madison perform from up top at the balcony, i swear i was falling more in love with this woman. watching and hearing her perform ‘sweet relief’, knowing the story behind it made me feel many things. i was doing so good containing myself until the fucking interlude for ‘make you mine’. then watching her perform it. she knew what she was doing making straight eye contact with me, with those doe eyes. fucking tease. i almost tuned out all the people around me. until i felt someone grabbing my shoulders “you are one lucky son of a bitch” crosby said, looking at madison like he was ready to eat her up. the fuck? i shurgged his arm off me. “watch yourself crosby” i told him then continued looking at my girl.

she started performing ‘baby’, i don’t how long i can take this. spending 2 months away was the biggest mistake we made by far. “alone and feeling myself but oh baby, it’s better when i have some help from my baby..” she said looking d i r e c t l y at me. she has no idea what’s in store for her later..

my jaw dropped watching her perform ‘heartless’. if people had any speculations of us being together, looking at me right now would definitely confirm it. “oh my fucking god she’s so fucking hot!” i heard hailee scream. “look at justin!” i heard patrick say. feeling all of my friends eyes on me, i had to look away from madison. i rubbed my hand on my face then looked back at her, then realized, “hey! guys look away!” i teased my brothers and friends. they all started laughing. “nah we’re good!” i heard annie say as her and hailee started jumping and dancing to madison performing ‘follow the white rabbit’.

as we reached the end of the show i grew more and more excited to have her in my arms. we made our way behind the stage again to greet her. her mom and brother were already back there as they were watching from behind the scenes. “ryder! what’s up my man” i said to madison’s brother bringing him into a hug. “hey justin! long time no see!” he smiled. we continued our conversation until we heard cheering from down the hall. we all started cheering when we saw madison jump and running towards us, smiling so big. she hugged her family first then reached hailee and annie, next the boys, then me.

madison’s pov

i ran up to justin wrapping my arms and legs around him. he hugged and spun me around, telling me how proud he was of me and how good i did. when he put me down we shared a kiss before we were interrupted by ryder clearly his throat. “listen im happy that your happy big sis but i don’t wanna see that” he said. “oh shut it loser” my mom said. causing all us to laugh. i pulled away from justin’s embrace but wrapped my arm around his waist and his arm around my shoulder. “thank you so much for coming guys, this truly means so much” i said turning to look at everyone. everyone started telling me how much they enjoyed the show. then a few minutes later after i changed and picked up my things from the dressing room we headed to my house. everyone stayed for a while until it got pretty late. “thank you again for coming guys get home safe!” i said to hailee and josh as they started making their way out the door. they said they’re final goodbyes then i closed the door.

i turned around to justin right away gripping my waist, smashing his lips to mine. “you drive me so fucking crazy” he said into our kiss. pushing me so my back was against the front door. justin is rarely the aggressive type when we’re intimate, ive noticed it happens most when he’s jealous, had a stressful day or if i tease him (which happens a lot, sometimes unintentionally). i broke our kiss to look up at him, “oh yeah tell me how crazy?” giving him a look i know he loves best. “oh baby im going to do more then just tell you” he groan and picked me up and took me to my room. when we made it there, he softly laid me on my bed and slowly started stripping me of my clothes, leaving me with only a bra and panties.

justins pov

as stood in front of her, her legs open for me, arms above her head, submitting to me. i made sure to mentally take a picture of her like this, feeling extremely lucky to have such a woman infront of me like this. i continued staring at her in awe. she sat up with her legs still open, she took the hem of my shirt pulling it up wanting me to take it off. once i did, she waisted no time running her hands up my body, then placed them on my shoulders pulling me down towards her. “please touch me justin” she pleaded, pulling my hands towards her heat. we started kissing again as i hovered over her softly pushing her back down on the mattress. i started rubbing her clothed clit feeling how wet she was. “holy fuck you’re so wet baby” í whispered. she broke the kiss, her head going back and moan ever so softly. i started kissing down her jaw, to her neck then her perfect breast. using my free hand i reached behind her back unclasping her bra, removing it and tossing it away. i started kissing her perked nipples, causing her to moan a little louder and started running her hands through my hair. as i continue my movements i looked up at her. loving this view, loving that im the only one that’s allowed to make her feel this way. i pulled away from her breast, kissing down her stomach reaching the top of her panties. i looked up once to get her approval, receiving a nod from her. i pulled down her panties. and sighed in satisfaction looking down at her glistening heat. “your so hot madison, holy fuck baby” i said to her. she bit her lip, opening her legs wider, making me have a better view. i smirked at her eagerness and waisted no more time diving in to her heat. “oh my god justin” she gasped as i ran my tongue over her clit and started eating her up. i groaned into her, making her moan louder from the vibration. “ye- yes just like that” she moaned. music to my ears. i reached up with my left arm to grab ahold of one of her breast and my right hand slowly inserted two fingers into her catching her to arch her back and moan louder. one her hands on my left hand and the other in my hair pushing my head deeper between her legs. i opened my eyes to look at her again and god she looked so fucking good. i felt her starting to clench my fingers meaning she was close to her breaking point. “fuck jus- i’m g-going to cum” she whimpered. i removed my mouth from her clit hovering over her again, fucking her with my fingers. “come on baby cum for me” i whispered to her, looking closely at her face, looking so fucked out and beautiful at the same time. her legs started shaking, “oh m-“ she gasped about to reach her orgasm. “yeeahh baby come on” i smirked at her, wanting to taste her sweet cum i went back to her heat flicking my tongue on her clit. “fuckkk!” she moaned, shaking more as she came in my mouth and on my fingers. i moaned in satisfaction. i continued sucking every drop of her cum, i must’ve gotten carried away because she said, “okay okay baby, no more it’s too much” she smiled down at me, pushing my head away from her now sensitive clit. “sorry baby can’t help myself” i smirked up at her. “taste so fucking good” i said. her legs still shaking from her intense orgasm. i slowly pulled my fingers out of her causing her to whimper. i brought my fingers to her mouth, tasting herself. i gave her a sweet kiss. “you okay? did i go too far?” i asked looking into her eyes, looking for any sort of uncomfortableness. “i feel so amazing trust me” she told me with a tired smile, making me smile back at her. i gave her another kiss on her forehead before pulling away and laying next to her. “i should go on tour more often if this the treat i’ll get when i come back” she smirked as she turned towards me, placing her leg over my torso. i laughed at her comment and turned my head to look her, “you got jokes maddy, don’t test me” i said to her in a smirk, wrapping my arms around her pulling her closer. “you know, speaking of treats, you need yours too” she said pulling herself up to sit on top of me.

let’s just say, next time she goes on tour we’re going to make sure we have a week with each other every month she’s gone…

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[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

the wolf should’ve been afraid of me.

Titans 3.04

just under the wire! ... i hope.

like with the previous review, i’m typing this up as i see the episode. here we go!

spoilers ahead.

1. ... well. that was an interesting cold open.

1.25. i don’t know whether to admire this show’s restraint when it comes to gotham and its excesses, particularly arkham asylum. it’d be easy to go hammer and tongs, like suicide squad (2016) did, or any number of bat media did, at a tropey, colourful~~insanity~~ that can be quite damaging, casting mental illness in strangeness and criminality. it definitely shows gotham as... separate from the rest of the country, its own ecosystem of heroes and villains, a sort of rogue state. 

but that ecosystem is still human, with its heroes needing to clip parts of themselves away just to survive, growing old and needing to be recycled, its villains languishing in the same kinds of systems that fail everybody else who needs to be helped. it’s a quieter, tenser sort of wrongness: not strange enough that you can dissociate, but not close enough that you can completely empathise. gotham is its own creature.

1.5. i know that the reasoning behind this is more doylist than anything, but i’m so glad that joker was killed off with little fanfare right at the start of the season. he is the one man in the batverse that’s transcended its confines as this sort of ethereal boogeyman/eternal edgelord and to justify his presence in the series would mean giving him this tired, overblown importance and too much of a stab at colourful, tropey “madness” in this otherwise-subdued series. i wish all batmedia would follow suit and get rid of this fucker.

1.75. so jason is bucking scarecrow’s control! or reminding him of who exactly holds all the cards right now. circling back to what i talked about in the last review, it’s remarkable just how little time it’s been since jason’s “death” and he’s already got ‘minions’ and elaborately set up plans to track, break and kill the titans. just how long has he been planning this? when did he first look at WE weapons prototypes and think that’s something i can use to blow somebody up? and the most unsettling question: did he plan his own death at the hands of the joker just so that he could break batman?

at this point it’s obvious that the scarecrow at least started jason down this path, but it’s frightening just how far he’s travelled already.

1.8. aaagh, less than one minute in! i’ll shut up. 

2. conner washing his hands at the sink reminds me that he was directly in the line of explosion when hank got blown up and he’s probably got atomised hank-bits all over his skin that he’s desperately trying to wash off.

... you’re welcome.

2.25. conner, don’t you speak to gar fucking logan like that, sir, no!

2.3. if anything it’s the lex part of him that gave him the knowhow to recognise the weapon and build a de-activator for it. 

anyway, for that ‘half-breed’ and ‘talking tiger’ comment?

(i wish, tho, that we actually see conner more interested in the superman part of his legacy, like maybe listening to stories from gar, or even better, dick, so we get a better idea of the pressure he’s feeling to live up to that part of him and not the part that’s lex.)

((i talked about conner’s stages of moral development in his introductory episode last season, but i wonder if the next stage of his self-actualisation would be to further integrate the parts of himself and realise that they are only parts and he, conner, is an entirely different person unto himself that can make decisions on how to use what he has and what he knows. his superman abilities can be used to destroy. his lex knowledge can be used to save.))

3. oh dawn :((

3.25. is this the last we see of dawn and hank? i mean, we know donna is coming back; would it be a stretch to think they’ll try to have a go at resurrecting hank as well?

3.5. “deathstroke didn’t make us into killers.” good, because deathstroke didn’t make jason a killer either. there’s a missing step there you need to be looking for, dick. 

3.75. dick did try to break the cycle, step away from gotham, run from the possibility that he could turn into batman. it didn’t help; he couldn’t fully withdraw from his vigilante persona the same time he loathed it, and batman literally haunted him both asleep and awake. but maybe gotham doesn’t have to turn anybody into anything. maybe gotham has nothing to do with it at all. it’s about taking responsibility, realising some sacrifices are pure bullshit, and building an actual family instead of merely a team.

anyway: hugs!

(oh, also? mr “i hate flying”? i mean, there’s perfectly valid reasons to hate flying that’s not related to childhood trauma, but then again, this guy was literally a ‘flying grayson’ once. also also, remember that he also gets sea-sick. must’ve a lot of fun stories to tell.)

4. ooh that gar/kory confrontation was brief but cool!

listen, i have never seen a psychiatrist with that extravagant an office and SIR I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW--

4.5. kory’s so unused to reaching out for help and it’s breaking my heart that HPG likely is some kind of impostor that’s maybe causing her symptoms in the first place. 

kory and dick have mostly been apart this season but it’s remarkable how their journeys have paralleled each other; kory processes her grief, isolation and existential dread into a determination to take care of this new family she has, no matter what it takes; dick does much the same, forging ahead with plans and solutions until he has no fuel left in him and spirals into a massive breakdown.

4.25. listen titans this really is a TERRIBLE continuity error. we aren’t goldfish; we can clearly remember that two minutes ago it was gar’s upper arm that was burned, not his forearm. COME ON.

“sensory deprivation tank” *SNORT*

anyway, gar is the BEST

4.5. i wonder where these visions of experimentation took place. was it on tamaran, or on earth, after she came to hunt down rachel/trigon and before she lost all her memories? is HPG a part of the scientist group that experimented on her? ... god, i hope not. i mean, i think he is, but it would be cool to have some positive therapist representation in media. 

5. you’d think the van transporting a dangerous supervillain that only batman could catch would be more secure but... i’m also not entirely surprised. 

5.15. i love dick gives ZERO shits about hiding himself or even ensuring scarecrow is adequately contained. just turns away after kidnapping him in BROAD DAYLIGHT and says ‘let’s go’. I LOVE THIS DUMBASS

6. lmao gar is having a really really shitty day SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN A BREAK or just a goddamn story arc of his own

6.5. i’m really confused about the timeline here. so... sometime ago, kory came down to earth to hunt down trigon, yeah? at some further point down the line she and her sister were kidnapped and experimented on. THEN she somehow escapes but... loses her memory? a few months pass and then we see blackfire alive and well and free; she kills faddei, can impersonate other people, and is clearly seeking out kory. but now she’s still in the experiment facility...? what’s going on?

i’m not entirely surprised about the facility being mostly deserted. either the biggest investors in this project gave up on it and it was left to the most fanatic to carry on, or they were deliberately trying to lure kory and get her to free blackfire--expand the environs of the experiment, so to speak.

7. hopefully barbara is going to get something to do other than listen to various men give her Attitude

8. how do you terrorise a terrorist? well:

i love when dick is a scary-competent motherfucker.

8.25. ooooh, the attack on crane at arkham a ploy to get crane to blackgate? nice one dick, i didn’t even think of that. but why though? to protect crane from the titans? to intercept the van to blackgate and “rescue” him? seems likely--red hood was there, except dick got to crane quicker.

9. still reeeallly unclear about the komand’r situation. was komand’r captured after s2? is this all A TRAP?? if so, why are you stepping into the only thing that can contain you, kory????

9.25. so... definite parallels between dick/jason and kory/kom here. i’m just. i’m still. really confused. i’ll shut up now.

10. this may be my favourite dick look yet:

woodsman!dick in a beanie.

10.5. i unironically love how titans has made this bizarrely-devoted-to-his-moniker, toxin-spewing supervillain into a tamer version of hannibal, psychoanalysing his victims into submission. it’s of a piece with how inward looking titans is, the way all of its villains are obsessed with how our protagonists’ minds work, to the point where they would actually spend time inside of them. 

there are no big plots to end the world. no apocalypses or endgames here. these villains collect the titans’ insecurities like infinity stones. the way the titans defeat them is by achieving character growth--literally winning by the power of love. literally “the real superpower is the friends we made along the way”!

10.7. anyway, i’m betting dick is used to this bullshit from crane and is humouring him in the service of getting more information. the story about the wolf? an implicit threat, not to mention dick getting to control what crane knows about him and what methods he would use to manipulate him.

am i giving dick too much credit here? i don’t think so. he’s really impressed me so far this season.

10.75. like. there’s a real unreliable narrator vibe coming off with every person that talks about bruce (much like how the various members of the titans talked about jason’s motivations) and to buy into crane’s talk about bruce being a psychopath is to fall for the same manipulation that jason fell for. dick is the only person who hasn’t really psychoanalysed bruce this season, and i think some part of his detective brain is piecing things together into a bigger picture.

11. i’m glad kory rescued kom but did she have to kill the scientist?

(i mean, yeah, probably - the less people know that kom escaped the less likely they’re going to have the fucking govt on their doorstep, but still.)

11.5. dick’s gonna come back to wayne manor, stare straight at komand’r and go, well which room would you like? because the team might as well adopt ANOTHER person, yeah?

12. oh MAN that red hood/nightwing fight was AMAZING! and he did the thing! the boomerang escrima thing! i’m so delighted!

12.5. the anger and disbelief in dick’s voice when he says you told crane EVERYTHING?! tells me that he knew exactly what he was telling crane himself.

12.75. “everything you are is because of him” - oh that reminds me of halluci!bruce from last season. i hope we see halluci!bruce again--he is so vicious but so entertaining... so much more effective at tearing dick down than crane or jason combined. goes to show that dick’s biggest enemy is own fucking head.

12.8. oh no! dick’s shot! crane is in the wind with red hood! blackfire is now with the titans! i love it!

honestly this season’s pacing is such a big step up from the last couple. gold star, show.

[woah-were-halfway-there]

The Sweetest of Them All

A/N: just another little bonus part of the AFTR universe that I came up with out of nowhere. Also, I left this as third person instead of second. Enjoy!

Word Count: 3.2k

Y/N has never been a big fan of Valentine's Day.

To her, it was overrated and expensive. But, she'd be lying if she said she didn't love the fact that it gave an extra reason to love on Auston a ridiculous amount. Sure, she did that every day, but to be fair, she loved how the title of Valentine's Day added a bit more fun and excitement to something she'd normally do any other day. It felt different for some reason, so even though she didn't love the so-called holiday, she still tried to plan something special for it every year.

Admittedly, she and Auston almost got competitive about it with trying to one-up the other with affection. They didn't care about gifts. They cared about the time they spent together and the thoughtfulness behind it.

Usually, it was Y/N that came up with something ridiculously sweet for Valentine's Day to do for Auston. However, this year, he had her beat.

For some odd reason, Y/N woke up very early that day. Maybe it was the baby waking her, or perhaps it was her internal clock saying sleep was no longer necessary. But, regardless, she was awake much earlier than usual. She also knew Mia wasn't awake or else she would've heard her, so she took that time to lie back in bed and relax for a few minutes on her own.

The bed felt incredibly empty, given that Auston was with the Leafs in Washington and wasn't expected to be back in Toronto until late that night. Frank was a good cuddle buddy alternative, but sometimes the Goldendoodle just wasn't enough when Y/N was missing her man. Of course, this was one of the days when she missed him a lot, so she took that as an excuse to text Auston and at least get this so-called holiday kicked off.

Y/N Happy Valentine's Day, Aus 🥰 can't wait to see you tonight

She wasn't expecting him to message back right away, seeing as it was only 7:30 in the morning, but much to her surprise, he did.

Auston Happy Valentine's Day, babe 💕 Can't wait to see you either. Did the flowers for Mia get delivered?

Y/N Yes, they got here last night. They're beautiful. I set them on the kitchen counter, so once she's awake and we go downstairs, she'll see her little V-Day gift from you

Auston Perfect. I got part of your Valentine's thing with me right now too. Ready for it?

Y/N Is it going to make me cry?

Auston Probably

Y/N Great. Hit me with your best shot

She stared at her phone screen for a moment, expecting it to light up with the notification of an incoming FaceTime call from her husband or a picture, but instead, he sent her a link. But not just any link, it was the link to the video recording of a new Spittin' Chiclets podcast episode that was over an hour-long called 'Love Day: Part One.'

Confused, but also insanely curious, Y/N then leaned over to grab her laptop from the bedside table and got into the most comfortable position her growing baby bump would allow so she could watch the video like that. As soon as she was about to press play, her phone buzzed with another text.

Auston This was filmed a couple of weeks ago when the Chiclets guys were in Toronto. They interviewed at least 10 different guys in the league at different times, and they're kind of long, which is why there's more than one part. Just watch the intro, then I'm the first interview. Mitch is on part 2 if you want to watch that as well, but yeah... call me when you're done 💕

Still unsure of how to process what was going on, Y/N just shook her head and followed the link.

The video started with Biz, Whit and Rear sat all-around a table, each wearing a different red, white or pink shirt with heart-shaped balloons positioned behind them. Empty bottles of Pink Whitney sat on the table, acting as vases for bouquets of roses, making Y/N roll her eyes and chuckle at how far these guys would go for good product placement. But, she kept watching, and unsurprisingly, Biz was the first to speak.

Biz: "For Valentines Day this year, we wanted to do something different. Something more soft. So, we're going to tell, well, I guess, show some love stories."

Whit: "Bet you all didn't know that some of the greatest love stories to ever be told have happened to some of the guys that play in the NHL. Don't believe me? Guess you'll have to listen to find out what they are."

Rear: "We asked some players to come in and talk to us about their relationship stories and give as many details as they were willing to give. And let me tell you, they were great. To start us off, we have Auston Matthews of the Toronto Maple Leafs telling us his fairytale romance."

The video then clipped to a shot of Biz sitting next to Auston in what Y/N assumed was the hotel downtown that the Chiclets guys were staying at. Auston wasn't dressed extravagantly or anything, just wore a grey hoodie, black pants, and his signature Raiders snapback.

Y/N immediately recognized his outfit. She remembered Auston coming home in those same clothes early one afternoon after he did some running around downtown with Mia, and started thinking of how not once did he mention doing anything for the podcast. He kept this very on the down low, and Y/N was excited to see how it would all play out.

Biz: "Alright, with us today, we have none other than the Leafs number 34, Auston Matthews. Welcome back to the show, Auston. How ya doin?"

Auston: "I'm great. Thanks for having me. How are you guys?"

Whit and Rear: "Good."

Biz: "Great, real good. Now, Auston, you know what you're here to talk about, right?"

Auston: (chuckling) "You're acting like you didn't spend the last week blowing up my phone until I agreed to do this."

Biz: "Amazing! You do know. So, here's how it's all going to go down. We've got a list of questions about your relationship with your significant other. Your obvious better half. And are going to take turns asking them so the people listening at home can get a bit of insight on your, and I quote, iconic love story. Why don't you give us a little summary of your relationship before we dive in?"

Auston: (hesitantly) "Sure, okay. So, my wife Y/N and I have been married for almost two years now. Our anniversary is at the end of July. She accidentally forgot it last year, which I haven't let her live down. Y/N, babe, this is your six month in advance warning that our anniversary is indeed coming up again this year… She's going to hate that I mentioned that. We, uh, we've been together since my first season in Toronto, so for a pretty long time now, and it's been amazing. We have a daughter, Amelia, but everyone just calls her Mia unless she's in trouble. She just turned two on January 25th, and we have our second baby on the way. They're due to be making their grand appearance in late June. We also have our firstborn, Frank, the Goldendoodle. Can't forget about him. But, yeah, that's my little family."

Whit: (nodding along with Biz and Rear) "Fair enough. Now, how and when did you and Y/N meet exactly?"

Auston: "We met on the night of my first NHL game back in 2016. She was at that game."

Biz: "Oh, yeah? Was she there for a reason?"

Auston gave him an unimpressed look.

Biz: "What?"

Auston: "You know why she was there!"

Biz: (shrugging) "Our listeners don't. C'mon, refresh my memory. Was she there to cheer someone else on?"

Auston: (shaking his head) "Yeah. She, uh, she's a cousin of one of my teammates, so she was there with their family to watch him during our first game."

Biz: (grinning widely) "What teammate?"

Auston: "The one out in the hallway keeping my daughter occupied while you keep being annoying and asking me questions you already know the answer to."

Everyone laughed at that, including Y/N, as she shifted onto her side, being mindful of her growing bump that seemingly became more noticeable each day, and got comfortable as she braced herself for what the rest of this interview would entail.

Biz: (still laughing): "Just to clarify for everyone who still doesn't know, he's talking about Mitch Marner."

Auston: "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up."

Rear: "I take it that Mitch and Mia get along really well? I haven't heard a peep from her since you came in here."

Auston: "Oh, she loves him. Yeah, that's her Mitchy, alright. Him and Steph, who you will hear all about once Mitch comes in here, are Mia's godparents and some of her favourite people."

Whit: "That's awesome. And how was that at first, though, being romantically involved with one of your teammates' family members? Sounds like grounds for some chaos, if I'm honest."

Auston: "It sure made meeting the family a bit more nerve-wracking. I'm just kidding. No, it was fine. It was definitely a little awkward at first trying to figure out how I was going to tell Mitch that I wanted to date his cousin. Like, he and Y/N are very close. Always have been. And the last thing both me and Y/N wanted was for Mitch to be uncomfortable. He did handle it really well, though. It's because of him I was even able to get to know her in the first place, which I'll never be able to thank him enough for."

Rear: "Now, you're a pretty private guy. You post the odd picture of your little family from time to time. Y/N is rather private, as well. So, really, no one knows your guys' story other than those who have lived it with you or watched it unfold. I'm sure many people will jump right on the chance to listen to this, seeing as you and Y/N are one of the most beloved couples in the NHL. But, what exactly made you want to come on here, give a bit of insight into your private life, and talk about it all?"

Auston: "Well, for one, Biz would not stop asking me to do it. Literally kept calling and texting me for days until I finally agreed."

Whit: "Shocker."

Biz: "Hey, now."

Auston: (chuckling) "That and also I figured, why not. I love my wife, and I love our little story. It's nice to think back on everything that's happened and see how it all got us to where we are now. With all the ups and the downs, its uh, it's been an amazing ride for sure, and I wouldn't change it for a thing. Also, it's for Valentine's Day. I haven't told her I'm doing this, so when you guys drop the episode, I'm just going to send it to her without much context."

Whit: "Do you think she'll cry?"

Auston: "Absolutely. I know this kind of thing would make her tear up regularly, but those pregnancy hormones have got her bad. Without a doubt, she's going to call me crying once she's done watching this."

Y/N scoffed as he said that and grabbed some tissues to wipe away the waterworks she already felt coming on.

Biz: "I've met Y/N many times now. The first time being back in what, 2018?"

The screen then showed an old picture of Biz sitting in a restaurant with his arm wrapped around Y/N's shoulders, both smiling widely as they held up their drinks, with Auston seemingly moping off to the side a little bit. Y/N chuckled at the image, instantly thinking back to the day she first met Paul Bissonnette and how wild it was before the photo faded away and showed the guys again.

Biz: "Yeah, it was when she was in Scottsdale visiting you during the summer. Great girl, completely out of Auston's league."

Auston: "Hey!"

Biz: "I'll never forget you sassing her when she commented on how hot Arizona was, with her being Canadian and all, but damn she was fast putting you in your place by calling you a, what was it?"

Auston: (grumbling) "Desert Boy."

Everyone burst out laughing again, except Auston, who just rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically.

Auston: "Whatever. She sasses me all the time when I complain about the snow, but the one time I do it back, I get called a Desert Boy and can never live it down."

Biz: (still laughing) "Ugh, amazing. Okay, moving on because we don't have much time and can probably fit in like two more questions. So, Auston, tell us how you knew that Y/N was the end game for you. How did you know that she was the one?"

Auston: "Oh, man. I don't even know how to explain it. Growing up, you see all these movies and shows, or read books where people always find someone who is their soulmate. Their perfect match. And I never knew what the feeling of finding that person was because I had never experienced it. My mom would tell me that when I did find that person, I'd know. That it'll be such an intense feeling, and to be honest, I didn't believe her. Until I met Y/N, I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. The first time I met her, something drew me in, and I knew I wanted to get to know her better right away. Mitch spoke so highly of her, so did the other guys on the team that had already met her and over the first couple of months of us knowing each other, I saw what they meant. She quickly became one of my best friends ever. When we started dating, I saw more of how good a person she is, which attracted me even more. She is so selfless and caring for everyone around her; it truly blows my mind. I had never seen my family welcome a girl I introduced them to as quickly as they did her, and I trust their judgment the most. But even if they didn't do that, I know they would have accepted her regardless because, honestly, I probably seemed like a lovesick idiot. I still do. Y/N became this significant light in my life that I knew I wanted to be there forever. I began thinking about what it'd be like spending the rest of my life with her. Then it became something that I knew I needed. I can't imagine my life without her, and I never want to. She makes me so happy and has given me more than I could ever thank her for. I'll never understand how I, of all people, was the one to capture her massive heart, but I do know how lucky I am."

As he spoke, the screen showed a little picture slideshow of Y/N and Auston over the years of their relationship. It started with one that Ema took the first time Y/N had ever gone to Scottsdale. Y/N was sitting on the edge of a pool, and her legs dipped into the water. Auston stood between them as he wrapped his arms around her middle and leaned against her while looking over at where Ema stood taking the picture. The next one was from a Christmas party where the two were under a mistletoe as Auston leaned Y/N back and was kissing her cheek as she laughed and held onto him for dear life. There was a picture of them with Auston's family, one of them with Mitch and Steph, and another of Auston with his arms around Nate and Mya, Y/N's younger brother and sister, as the three smiled at the camera and Y/N was in the background looking confused.

The last few pictures were a bit more recent. They showed Y/N holding Frank as a puppy, a maternity photo of her and Auston posing when she was pregnant with Mia, and one of them on their wedding day with Mia and the rest of the gang. Then, the slideshow concluded with a very recent picture of them taken just a couple of weeks prior at Mia's birthday party, where Auston has his arms wrapped around Y/N from the back, showcasing her growing belly. At the same time, she leaned against him and glanced over her shoulder at him lovingly. The photos then went away and showed the guys again as Auston finished speaking.

Auston was right. Y/N was full-on bawling by that point.

All the guys were smiling as Auston finished saying his thing, but were soon interrupted by a knocking noise followed by a door opening.

Mitch: (offscreen) "Wait, no! Don't let her in!"

Mia: (also offscreen) "Daddy!"

Mia then came into the frame as she ran towards Auston, not caring about what was going on or who was there. Auston was quick reacting as he smiled widely and scooped Mia right up into his arms, making sure to place multiple kisses on her cheek as she giggled and squirmed in his hold, while Mitch became visible too and shrugged.

Auston: "Hi, mini. I missed you. Did you have fun with Mitchy?"

Mia: "Yeah! Where's mommy, daddy?"

Auston: "She's at home, baby girl. I'm almost done, then we can go get a Timbit while we wait for Mitch to be done. Sounds good?"

Mia: (knuckling at her eyes, tiredly) "Mhmm."

Rear: "This is adorable."

Biz: "Hi, Mia."

Mia: (shyly while hiding against Auston's chest a bit) "Hi, Biz."

Whit: (laughing) "Okay, I think we've kept you long enough now, Auston. Is there anything else you and Mia would like to say to Y/N?"

Auston: "Yes. Happy Valentine's Day, babe. I love you so much, and I'm sorry I'm not there right now. You're going to hear a lot more from me on actual Valentine's Day, but for right now, I think that's just about it. Mia, can you blow a kiss to the camera so mommy can see it and say 'happy Love Day!'"

Mia: (blows the kiss) "Happy Love Day, mommy!"

Auston: "Can you tell her that you love her?"

Mia: "Love you!"

Auston and Mia then waved to the camera and said bye as the clip faded out, and a new interview of another NHLer began playing.

Y/N's heart felt so full. She couldn't stop crying over how much she loved her family and how badly she needed to hear something like that. Life had been particularly hard on her as of late and seemed to keep throwing her curveballs, but this, this was exactly what she needed. To be reminded of how loved she is and that she genuinely is never alone.

She then grabbed her phone to call Auston and remind him of how much she loved him, that day and every day. The two talked for a few minutes before Y/N was pretty sure she could hear Mia waking up. After saying their goodbyes, Y/N found herself thinking about how, regardless of how she feels about the actual day, this was a Valentine's Day she will never forget.

[beanboisforbrains]

👌😍🎉🤔☘

resisting the urge to send all of them at once

🤔☘ answered here! Answering the rest out of order because the last one is long LMAOOO

👌 What are some matsu duos that you think are underrated?

WAKABA BABEYYYYY! CYBER AS WELL! NEARLY ALL THE CHORO DUOS TBH. Choromatsu has incredible middle child energy, its so fun seeing him try to be a big brother to Jyushimatsu and Todomatsu, especially when they call him out. Combined with the fact that he flip flops between being nagging mom friend and intensely delusional, it makes his interactions a real treat.

Also, up until like 3 months ago, parka wasn’t on my radar at all. Then I saw a parka compilation on youtube and my third eye opened. They’re so cute, I like parka a lot. I think they’re kind of underrated and I can’t believe I didn’t even think about them until recently sfkjds.

🎉 What do you like most in a skit?

I like sextuplet centric ones that take place in the “canon” timeline. When the six of them are together and the duo interactions makes different aspects of their personality shine, its just soooo *chefs kiss*. Even silly little skits, like Totty Quiz and all The Late Night Himatsuya skits, bring the biggest smile to my face. UGH skits where there’s a balance between being nice to each other and being absolutely brutal, LIKE ACCIDENT, OH MAN *EVEN BIGGER CHEFS KISS*

😍 What’s a moment that made you fall in love with your favourite character?

I love you for asking this but also do you know what you’ve unleashed.

Before watching the show, I was already prepped and primed for becoming a Karamatsu girl. One year and a half of screenshots and clips about this man from someone trying to get me to watch ososan... I didn’t know much about the show, but I knew blue man funny and cute. 

I also really liked his design, even though they mostly looked the same to me back then skdfnskd. HIS SUNGLASSES AND LEATHER JACKET LOOKS GOOD OKAY. AND HIS ROLLED UP SLEEVES!!! His bravado was/is so cringe but also endearing? From the clips I saw, it seemed like he really cared about his brothers and wanted the best for them.

When I started watching season 1 EVERYONE WAS SO MEAN TO HIM 😭😭😭 S1 OSOSAN WAS SO RUDE TO HIM FR

Thus began the babygirlification of Karamatsu Matsuno. I was like damn nobody love you in canon, so I’m going to love you. I liked the fact that he was still nice to his brothers even though they could be so aggressive to him. BUT I ALSO LIKED THE FACT THAT HE JOINED IN ON THEIR STUPID TRASHY ANTICS. I LIKED WHEN THE NARRATIVE WAS DEPICTING THEM AS ASSHOLES, HE WASN’T EXCLUDED. 

I’m glad I didn’t interact with the fandom until I caught up to season 2 and had already formed my own opinions about the bros, because I can definitely see myself warping my interpretation to fit the fandom standard. Karamatsu was the nice oneTM but from season 1 there were moments where we could peak behind the curtain, behind the façade. His actions were so outrageous, I was like okay, at least some of it’s got to be an act. Moments where his bravado falls because things aren’t going his way and he gets all whiny are some of the best. IT’S THE GAP MOE APPEAL.

SORRY, BACK TO THE INITIAL QUESTION. WHAT MADE ME FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM? S1EP24 WHEN HE DECKED OSOMATSU IN THE FACE. 

Honestly at this point, Karamatsu only had a slight edge above the rest. I liked all the bros relatively equally. And then Osomatsu kicked Jyushimatsu in a huge oh shit moment. Immediately followed by oh shit moment #2; Karamatsu punches Osomatsu and drags him outside.

Emotion 1: Super surprised. Karamatsu has been wimpy this entire season, but when it comes to his family, he’s able to recognize the responsibility he holds as the second son. He can confront even the oldest if its to protect his brothers.

Emotion 2: That was kinda…THAT WAS KINDA… 😳 😳 😳 Karamatsu stepping up was so insanely attractive to me LMAOFIDSJKKDJFS

Once he truly got his hooks in, there was no escaping. Now practically everything he does I find fascinating/lovable/endearing/s-se-*gunshots*

I know I just spent 400+ words describing what I like about Karamatsu BUT I STILL THINK ITS VERY HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS WHY EXACTLY I LOVE HIM. ITS JUST THE VIBE. Something about him activates the “go stupid” part of my brain so intensely. I just want to

[thesoftboiledegg]

OK, now that I've gotten my least favorite episodes out of the way, here's my ranking of my favorite Rick and Morty episodes (up to season four):

Season one: "Close Rick-counters of the Rick Kind" I don't think this is necessarily the best episode, but it's still my favorite episode of all time. The Citadel of Ricks sounds ridiculous (or rick-diculous) in theory, but somehow that episode makes it work. This show introduces so many great concepts: the Citadel, Doofus Rick, evil Morty, the evil Rick robot. It was fascinating to see a sweet, gentle Rick that got along well with Jerry as well as an evil Morty whose true motivations are still unknown. Plus, this episode was fun and hilarious to boot. It's basically the ideal Rick and Morty episode--a fun, exciting adventure that introduces an intriguing sci-fi concept and sets up a bigger story that carries through the rest of the show. I'm still wondering what Rick's comment about a "cocky Morty" was about (and I'm pretty sure the rest of the fandom is, too.)

Season three: "The Rickshank Redemption" OK, this is it. This is the best Rick and Morty episode of the entire series. The episode cleverly starts with a fake-out, then turns into an exciting, fast-paced adventure that actually shows Rick's brilliance instead of just telling us that he's smart. We get our biggest glimpse of Rick's backstory to date (who knows how much of it is true, but still), character development for Morty and Summer, worldbuilding for the Citadel of Ricks and a brilliant callback to "Rick Potion #9." At the end, Beth and Jerry finally separate, a decision that has major impacts for the rest of the season instead of resetting itself in the next episode. The insanity all culminates in Rick going on another unhinged, manic tirade in the garage that ushers in the "darkest year of our adventures." This episode also had a huge cultural impact with the now-infamous Szechuan sauce reference. I don't think Rick and Morty is ever going to top this one, which is so well-paced that it feels like it's longer than twenty minutes.

Season three: "The Ricklantis Mixup" The Citadel worldbuilding is excellent (and again, it's a concept that shouldn't work, but somehow does), but what really makes this episode stand out is how it weaves together multiple stories that seem like they're unrelated at first but come together in the final conclusion. This episode is a brilliant commentary on the issues that plague modern society (which is rare for Rick and Morty) and explores how Ricks and Mortys from alternate realities can be wildly different, which doesn't really come up in other multiverse episodes. The artwork in this episode is top notch, too. Just a phenomenal episode all around.

Season two: "Interdimensional Cable 2" This is probably the episode I've watched the most. I wasn't a fan of the first Interdimensional Cable episode, but this episode pretty much fixed all the issues that I had with it. Most of the clips were so bizarre and unfamiliar that you actually felt like you were watching episodes from another reality. "Lil Bits" and "The Adventures of Stealy" are my favorite clips. The framing device with Jerry was also hilarious and gave us a fascinating glimpse at an alien hospital (OK, it was mostly jokey, but still.) Rick and Morty has some issues with the animation, but the alien designs are always excellent.

Season two: "Mortynight Run" This episode was just an awesome Rick and Morty adventure. I loved the brightly colored alien worlds that they explored and the way Rick's plans spun wildly out of control. Blips and Chitz and the Jerry daycare sound kind of silly in theory, but they ended up being perfect additions to this episode. Plus, this episode had a lot of memorable interactions between Rick and Morty. "That's the difference between you and I--I never go back to the carpet store."

Season two: "Total Rickall." This episode is so much fun. The concept is brilliant, and the solution to the problem is actually really clever, not a dumb cop-out. The crazy characters that keep showing up are hilarious--and best of all, this show introduced Mr. Poopybutthole. I love how the animators added him into the opening sequence. Plus, the twist at the end of the episode is genuinely shocking. The audience thinks that they have it figured out and the Smith family is naively letting him stay in their lives. But nope--Mr. Poopybutthole is actually real, and Beth might have just killed him. To top it all off, the after-credits scene is brutal. "He says he's sorry that you didn't have any bad memories of him."

Season three: "Rest and Ricklaxation" I probably don't have to tell you how much this episode is a brilliant exploration of Rick and Morty's characters. What I love about it is how it doesn't go the way you'd expect. Rick and Morty become "nice" and happy, but it's actually detrimental to their personalities--Rick is a hollow shell who doesn't care about his grandson, and Morty is basically a high-functioning sociopath. The part where detoxified Rick burps and says "Excuse me" is pure genius.

Season three: "Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender" I feel like a lot of people don't like this one, but it was a fun send-up of superhero movies (I'm saying this as an MCU fan) as well as a great exploration of Rick's toxic, codependent relationship with Morty. I mean, the entire plot basically happens because Morty said (or implied) that he likes the Vindicators more than Rick. This was also one of the rare times when we see Rick when he's hardcore blackout drunk (as opposed to his regular level of drunkenness.) "Who the fuck is Noob-Noob?" is my favorite ending line of the entire series.

Season four: "The Vat of Acid Episode" I didn't rank this one higher because I have to be in a certain mood to watch it, but it stands out because it's utterly different from any other Rick and Morty episode. This episode wasn't afraid to take risks, like setting up a basic plot (Rick and Morty being stuck in the vat the whole time) and veering away from that altogether. The long sequence with Morty's girlfriend was also pretty risky. I thought it was out of place when I first watched this episode, but now I think it adds a lot to the show. Then there's the fact that Rick's plot is so utterly cruel and brutal, even for him. The only slightly "redeeming" thing about it is that he created a way to undo the whole thing--but still, he put his grandson through an insane amount of emotional trauma just because he was starting to stand up to Rick. This episode also had some of the best Rick and Morty interactions of the entire series. "The Vat of Acid Episode" was complex, challenging and another one of those rare times where we see that Rick is truly brilliant.

Season three: "The Wedding Squanchers" I don't rewatch this episode all the time, but I liked this one because it had some good character moments like Beth finally admitting that she tolerates Rick's bullshit because she doesn't want him to leave again. This is also one of the rare episodes where Rick does something truly selfless that doesn't benefit him. We also see that Rick claiming that he doesn't care about anything is a bunch of bullshit--the way he screams when Tammy shoots Birdperson is tragic and horrifying. Plus, who saw that twist with Tammy coming? And of course--this episode sets up the best episode of the entire series.

[jq37]

The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 17 For Candia (Part 2)--Mini Recap

Hey guys. It’s been a bit, huh?

I haven’t been on Tumblr a bunch lately because I’ve been busy as hell irl for a lot of reasons, but I also hate to leave a thing undone, especially when it’s so close to being done. So I decided to provide at least some level of closure for anyone who might have stumbled across these with no access to the ep and really wants to know how the story ends.

Maybe I’ll do a proper recap at some point but, for now, let’s wrap things up.

This episode is basically a series of Boss Fights standing in for the more significant but less interesting final battle going on in which the Rocks Family face off against all the Important NPCs.

Amethar and Joren together waste Grissini, Amethar saying that he might have been good to Jet, but he’s fighting for the wrong side. (Joren goes down but it’s never really resolved whether he survives or not. I feel like he probably did considering Liam’s epilogue.)

Ally gets their obligatory Nat 20 to intimidate Keradin for the rest of the fight by greatly shaking his faith in the Bulb before icing him. Then he sees the Pontifex watching the fight from the wall of the keep and makes a beeline. 

Amethar, likewise, sees Cal running across the castle wall and breaks from his unit to go after him.

Ciabatta shows up and I am reminded in the absolute DOPEST way that Ruby never used her watersteel dagger. “In sweetness there is strength, bitch.” Ciabatta is toast. 

White flags start to go up. 

Liam catches up to the Pontifex, does the insane amounts of damage that’s just like par for the course for him at this point, and drops her, taking St. Citrina’s Book. 

Cal tries to make for a secret tunnel to escape but Cumulus blocks his path. Amethar blocks him off from the other side. “What’s the last part of my title? Say it.” Cal, being forced to kneel by Cumulus, acknowledges his “Unfallen” title (throwing a man w/ the title “the Unfallen” off a roof and not checking to see if he’s dead is the very height or hubris. That’s some, “Not even God can sink this ship” levels of asking for it) and then attacks. Amethar gets 4 attacks back and his last is a Nat 20, activating Payment Day’s special ability: On a Nat 20 against someone who has killed a member of Amethar’s family? That person instantly dies. Boom. Fight is over just like that. Piece of cake. 

With all the Big Bads dead, the fight is more or less over other than logistics. Or at least it would be if Brennan didn’t have some mind games up his sleeves. As the fight is winding down, Ruby and Rina lock eyes and they both know they have a moment to turn the tide in their favor in their little cold war by attacking the other and striking first. Out of game, Brennan makes Siobhan and Emily decide secretly on slips of paper whether they each want to attack or show compassion. It’s a classic prisoner’s dilemma setup. If they both play nice, it’s golden. If they both attack, it’s even. If you play nice and get betrayed, you’re screwed. 

But like...it’s D20. It’s the Game of Thrones season of D20 but it’s still D20. 

They choose compassion, both of them. 

“Saccharina, you’re an astonishing leader, but I can’t be your subject. But please, I would like to be your sister,” Ruby says, and Siobhan keeps her perfect track record of taking me out in every finale. 

Rina has her guys stand down (to Swifty’s dismay). Ruby tells a skeptical Cara to stand down and choose family (which she does, snapped out of her paranoia by Ruby’s brave move).

Brennan’s attempt at PvP thwarted, Amethar swears on the Book of Leaves that he was named Emperor and Primsy--who is here in too for some reason--recognizes the claim. That leaves the recently (forcibly) vacated throne of Castle Candy to Rina. Which is great for her because Liam remembers the wish seed and uses it to just quadruple Candia in size, the absolute madman. 

We get epilogues! Liam becomes Master Gardener (and also casually says that he brought back the Pontifex and Kerradin to jail them which is wild because that’s not a spell that exists in this world--Ally just brute forced it in in the last second in a line so poetic that Brennan was just forced to let it happen). Cumulus takes a break from snapping chicken’s necks. Theo gets laid. Rina and Ruby do the sister thing and Ruby joins the circus for a while. Cinnamon becomes a vegetarian which mellows out his constant hunger. And Amethar enjoys time with his newly expanded family. For the first time in a while, things are looking sweet. 

A Few Notes

I’m going to fight the editor who had me worried about the “family is exposed” clip all season for the exact wrong reason. But also, gold star. Well played.  

Lol at Brennan not even getting his PvP in the GOT season w/ a prisoner’s dilemma. Like, give it up dude. Watch next season start in media res during a fight to the death to force everyones’ hands. 

On the same topic, very funny that the previous episode it was like, “Loyalties tested! Lines drawn!” and then this episode Theo was like, “Come on guys you shoulda just talked to me. I would never betray you.” It’s like he just wanted to have a dramatic moment. 

MVP this ep is Ruby with the watersteel dagger imo. Like everyone had their moment. And Amethar w/ that Nat 20 was dope but you were kind of waiting for that all season. But I totally forgot Ruby had that dagger. I, like, verbally cheered when she pulled it out. 

I haven’t watched the last AP or the behind the scenes special so I don’t know that much about unseen characters besides what I’ve glimpsed on Twitter/Tumblr but Amand Maillard looks very dope. 

I wish we’d gotten to know more about Citrina. Like I get that if you dump these players in a world, they’re gonna wanna take down The Man and often The Man is The Church and the Pontifex *did* need to go but sometimes people are just Good and I dug her (Citrina’s) vibe in the flashback we got.

I can’t believe Siobhan got me with the “Be my sister/Let me be your sister” stuff in back to back seasons. You’d think I would have developed some resistance in the intervening months. Nope! Weak as ever baybee!  

One Final Thing

One of the reasons I’ve been so busy lately is I’ve been working on my podcast*, Absolutely No Adventures, which is dropping in a tiny bit over a month. The trailer drops on Sunday so if you wanna check that out when it’s out, you can follow the show’s Twitter (@noadventurespod)! I’ll also link it here as my pinned post once it’s up. I hope some of y’all check it out! 

*ONE of my podcasts but one announcement at a time.

[flying-elliska]

S5 Review pt 2 : the Bad

So in my last meta I listed a lot of reasons to like this season...but then why did it not (at least to me) all add up together ?  Looking back, I can think of so many clips that I thought were incredible. But looking back at the season in general, I just feel a big ‘meh’ and it’s sort of puzzling - why exactly ?  Here is where I thought the season could have been a lot better :

I loathe love triangles : I hate the trope in itself. Is S5 the worst example of it ever ? No, it served somewhat of a thematic purpose and the resolution was interesting. But I can’t help it, when I feel a love triangle coming on, I generally disconnect emotionally because I have been annoyed to hell and back by it before - one big offender being Skam France s4, in which the love triangle/quadrangle marked the beginning of the season going down in flames, with it overshadowing everything else and making the characters behave in completely obnoxious and puzzling ways. S5 isn’t quite as bad, it feels more respectful of the characters, but I find it weird that the writers chose a love triangle again on the heels of the reception of s4. 

The problem with this trope is not ‘oh we don’t want drama ever’ it’s just so bloody annoying, so trite and overused. It rests on centuries of sexist tropes : either a wishy washy girl in the middle who doesn’t know what’s good for her/her own heart ; or two girls competing for a man’s attentions. It often ends in the fandom villifying the women involved no matter the shape of the triangle, comparing them against each other, which definitely happened this time (Twitter was just so annoying this season), and this whole ‘team x’ thing gives me hives, as the assumption that this is what young women viewers care most about. 

Also it generally involves the characters showing that they have very little self respect, letting themselves be walked over, bad communication, implications about what the ‘better woman/man’ should be like, cheating, etc...it’s very rarely fun or interesting to watch because we’ve seen it a thousand times before in teenage soap operas. Again, the s5 ending avoided the total trainwreck but this is a show you watch in real time, and for weeks I was afraid it was going to be absolutely terrible, and it ruined a big part of my experience of the season. When they introduced Noée I started being scared, and when it became clear Arthur was developing feelings for her, I basically noped out emotionally. I started following it in a much more detached manner, I wasn’t looking forward to the clips anymore, I stopped writing meta so much. And it sucks. I wanted to love the season. But this was just not a ride I really wanted to be on. 

Alexia (and Noee) deserved better : I love Alexia and developing her character is one of the best things Skam France ever did. In OG, the character of Chris, if interesting, is just continually reduced to the ‘funny fat friend’ persona and it really sucks. So giving Alexia a real personality, making her bisexual, giving her more of a role in s3, making her a dancer and a singer was really cool. I’m bi myself and I spent most of my high school struggling with my weight and if I’d had a character like her, who radiates self-acceptance, it would have meant so much to me. I was really stoked for her to have more of a role in s5 - only to spend most of the season feeling really sad for her. It was just...not fun. I so wish she could have had her own season and her own story that didn’t revolve around a dude she was so supportive of and still ended up treating her like shit. 

Also, real talk : when is a curvy girl actually a love interest without it being shown as funny or not good enough ? Especially of the main character ? Almost never. Coline might have lost some weight, but she’s still written as a curvy girl this season and it’s an important part of the character. So for her to have this particular role this season - the girl that isn’t romanticized, that doesn’t get to have the cute and thrilling moments, that is just sort of there and patient and understanding as if she couldn’t get anything better, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sure the end of the season did her more justice but god it took so long and in the meantime, it just felt...very ill considered and careless. 

In the same way, I wanted to love Noée, I thought she was amazing, but because of her role in the plot I just felt this instinctive defiance towards her character. It would have been so cool to have her in a friend role, or even a love interest outside of the triangle or I don’t know like...have someone else fall in love with her. Also, I just did not understand why she loved Arthur ? Like she just met the dude a few times, and he’s mostly been a total asshole to her, who makes very little efforts to communicate with her...I get she could get attracted to him but love ??? The moment where she tells him ‘I love you’ felt demeaning to her, like the moment in OG where Noora falls after running after William. It’s like, Arthur has just been an enormous asshole to her, and she pushes herself to do something she’s never been comfortable with in the first place ? Why ? This show romanticizes teenage boys being assholes and girls being desperate way too much. 

The Skam dilemma, love vs politics and “Let’s all just be nice.” : There is a reoccuring problem accross all Skams, starting with the OG : they bring up very political topics, usually in the beginning of the season, and then they...don’t really do anything with them. In the OG, Noora’s feminism is really just window-dressing and we see her bend over backwards to accomodate this super toxic asshole into her life. And we see Sana’s struggles as a Muslim in Norwegian society, but then love drama takes over, and it’s waved away with an insulting ‘everyone should just communicate more’ ending. Skamfr s4 made it even worse, by making the girl squad a lot more overtly racist, never having them make a big gesture for Imane, putting her in a position to apologize, and never showing that the girl squad had an idea of where they messed up or real growth. It was insanely frustrating, especially since the beginning of the season was so good at showing all the little micro-agressions. In the end it felt like all the racism was just there to motivate Imane’s breakdown for plot reasons and not to actually say something. S5 never stoops quite that low, but there was a bit of a similar dynamic at hand here. Instead of the boys actually have a real conversation after their fight, most of the denouement of the show was consecrated to talking about the love drama. It was, again, as if the focus of the show was on the wrong things, and it robs you of the catharsis you’re expecting. As if they used the love drama for a metaphor for the actual issues, have it do all the emotional heavy lifting, and in so doing bypass having to adress the actual problem. There is this weird ideas that the audience of the show - teenagers and young women, mostly, in the end care the most about the love stuff and that everything else has to take a backseat and...this feels neither a good message to send, nor realistic to me. I like it when shows about teenagers decenter love and show the real complexity of their characters’ lives without making them paragons of virtue or wokeness - Derry Girls is a brilliant example of that. Skam, and Skam France in particular, feel a bit immature still compared to those, punching below their weight for shows that pride themselves on their social impact. 

Hit with the idiot stick : Speaking of underwhelming resolutions - yes, the boy squad messing up with Arthur, I found relevant and realistic. But...did they really even adress it ? I was really hoping for the boys to have more of a conversation, for Arthur to open up to them about what he went through, about his father, to tell them that they should have asked him/listened to him more, etc...and I know ‘teenage boys’ or whatever but ...aren’t they trying to change those stereotypes too ? Like when Arthur went to see Basile, they must have had a conversation, why the fuck did we not see it ? That’s the emotional bond I cared most about ! And we just had a hug ...underwhelming tbh. Same Arthur talking with Lucas but then it was just about their love lives ? Or when they came to the hospital, again, it was just about the love drama ? God it really sucked out the oxygen out of the season. The resolutions of those things just being hugs or speeches or handholding at the end felt hollow, and a lot less powerful than they could have been. And again, there has to be a tolerance for messiness, but I found the boys so incredibly dumb at several points in the season. Especially them being like ‘oh cheating isn’t so bad’ after they found out that Arthur’s dad was cheating on his wife ? Like why the fuck did they take Patrick’s side ? What kind of lack of empathy ? It would feel a lot more coherent for teenage boys to be furious at the destruction of a friend’s family, not talk like cynical 50 yr olds who just divorced for the fifth time. It felt so unrealistic and stupid and just meant for Arthur to finally clue in to the idea that cheating and lying is bad maybe, himself first without external clues from characters that really should have known better by now. Especially Yann and Lucas advising Arthur to keep his mouth shut after what happened in s1 like...did whoever write this read the previous seasons of the show ? There were just too many times where the boy squad felt out of character and mandated to be idiots just for plot reasons, and it felt...very crudely drawn. Disappointing, because the beginning of the season was awesome. But again, Skam France failed in delivering real growth for their friend group. At times, it even felt like character regression. Them holding hands at the end of the season made me emo but damn it could have been so much more.

Also some plot twists - the car crash in particular, just felt dumb and unnecessary, seriously. 

A too distant main : In the end, like I said before, my main issue is that I didn’t feel as connected to Arthur as I wanted to. I mean, the cheating bit was just very unrelatable to me, after how they showed how supportive Alexia was and how she supposedly made him happy like...why. But maybe that’s just me. Regardless - in the first few episodes he felt distant in an interesting way, because it made sense for his character to be so walled off. But...I felt like his self discovery was way too blurred with the ‘oh I like Noee’ part to the point where it ended up being obscured. I would have loved more clips on his own, maybe something more about him questioning his path in life, whether he truly wants to do medecine. And like apparently he liked fine arts ? Then, why didn’t we see anything about that ? Did he paint the x-men painting ??? That feels so relevant, why the fuck didn’t we see that ? Also why didn’t we see him take those LSF classes with Camille and actually make an effort this time ? Having almost all of his realization moments tied to Noee was just...the manic pixie dream girl trope. That’s what it’s called, when you use a quirky female character as a device for the emotional development of the male one. It’s...not flattering tbh. And then that farm episode - it was funny but for a week I felt like I completely lost touch with Arthur’s POV ? I’m really not sure that was the right choice. All in all, there were just not enough introspective, small, intimate clips for it to really feel like Skam, and that’s a shame tbh. I recognize a lot of myself in Arthur, and Robin acted his heart out to make him relatable, but because of the writing, there were way too many times where I was reluctant and puzzled instead of in it. I saw several people saying it was too much tell and not enough show and I think that’s very on point. I feel like a lot of Arthur’s actual character development happened behind the scenes in moments where we didn’t see it.  

Yeah...I think as a conclusion most of my issues are tied back to the preponderance of the love triangle. The season wasn’t bad but god it could have been so excellent if they hadn’t gone that route, and this swerve from greatness is just sooooooo frustrating. I don’t think it’s enough to condemn the whole season but...

Next up : some things I’m just very ??? about and a general conclusion. 

Bonus bitching round, fandom edition : oh my god, I don’t get into this often but...the fandom was so bloody annoying this season. Starting with the people sending death threats over a tv show (like...what the fuck) or thinking them being nasty assholes is somehow for the greater good (???), from people that don’t want anyone to use even 1 analysis capacity (especially on Twitter) and go beyond praising everything on the show, or the people either villifying Alexia and Noee and indulging in that ‘team’ crap, to the people that shoot down every single detail of the show without discernment or accuse the creators of being ableist sexist garbage or maltreating their actors ... And then you have the other remake stans coming to pollute the tags talking about how we were all stupid for liking the show in the first place. Like...seriously, what is up with you people. I really loved the block button this season, damn. 

[kim-lexie]

week-by-week playback: crash landing on you.

just to preface, pardon that some of this may not be cohesive. i made this a separate post because otherwise the collective review would be insanely long. and i wanted to keep a space where i just let my thoughts from each episode exist, so here it it. 

if you want to see my semi cohesive thoughts from the themes and characters here is my actual review. crash landing on you.

*spoiler alert*

ep 1-2 my goodness this man, hyun bin (aka ri jung hyuk in this drama) is dreamy as ever. *like swoons*. son ye-jin is perfect, i loved her in "something in the rain” and this character is completely different and i am loving it. this free easy going aide of this actress. she is adorable and i love how in a crazy situation the first thing she thinks is ‘you’re totally my type’ bc seriously a girl after my own heart.

now the concept is completely ridiculous but i’ll jump on the band wagon and live my best life bc i think this is going to be a unique concept that i fall for. the fact that she doesn’t listen to him and goes directly into north korea i’m like girl you’re crazy.

i love how they added the clips at the end of the episode and how he was laughing at her. precious how he’s already falling for her quirky side. i am intrigued to see where their relationship first started like how did they meet before how did he leave north korea and enter back in as a general captain?!? so many questions and i’m so excited.

ep 3-4.  kim ju-meok (captain ri’s company of 5) saying i haven’t seen any drama characters that don’t fall in love in that situation. hahaha same dude same. when the guy was spying, jung man-bok, and trying to keep up with the drama plot. hahaha

i loved when the ladies tried to see her and she made him act all sweet walking him out the door.

he said all nice things to the plant!!!

ep 5-6. his relationship with his fiancé is soooo weird. and her family must be super high up in north korea. same to his family though. his mom has an ostrich in her yard!!! i love how they got stuck on the train on their journey to pyeongyang. i love how he jumps to his feet to get her anything she wants. they’re precious together. i’m excited to see where it takes us bc now that the man on the run knows that she is there, there is leverage. he was the first guy she waited for TT. i’m really enjoying the little tidbit scenes at the ending.

he’s gonna keep a photo of her even though he said it was silly to get a momento. the clarification between destiny and coincidence.

ri jeong-hyeok do you want to be my destiny. ‘as long as you stay in my sight you’ll be safe, as long as she is in my sight i will protect her.’

ep 7-8. her character growth since meeting him is extensive and i love to see this side of her not as callused and closed off but rather vulnerable.

‘so happens that you’ve become a special person to me

for once i had to protect you too.’

the heart on his uniform she stitched up.

it’s his brothers song. TT

him going to find her bc she might have been waiting in him. he’s not wrong. and her being concerned with him not being in the hospital bc of his injuries.

your life here might be shattered bc of me.

and i don’t like that.

she’s gets kidnapped. after all this. she even decorated a christmas tree and got him a gift.

held my breath for a solid minute after that gunshot.

ep 9-10. yes his freaking dad in these moments where i’m crying just provides the perfect comedic relief bc he can’t freaking believe what’s happening in front of him. “you make my heart flutter. the other dude.” even when you didn’t know it you saved my life. when he played the song for the first and last time for his brother.

how would i forget about a woman who feel from the sky? -jeong-hyeok

i didnt fall. i descended. -se ri

she freaking wrote i love you with the books.

his brother was such a good person and got the medicine for his friends baby.

when they had to say goodbye to each other. and when their eyes met once again.

ep 11-12. this episode. i loved seeing how the comrades reacted to the daily living of those in seoul. they were too precious. absolutely terrifying that cheol-gang made his way into a security. like what kind of background check did they get?!? like. come on.  

cannot believe that jeong-hyeok found her in an echoing parking garage. it’s destiny.

seo dan got the term ‘sweetmeat’ from seri stop it!!

all of the almost encounters had me dying, while the boys were trying to track down captain ri. the gaming to ignoring the call for chicken.

they wanted to recruit kwang-beom for an agency. they’re like your cover was blown bro.

talking about a future when he didn’t go back. married with twins. and he’ll play piano again.

them dresses as south koreans got me like. my goodness. they’re too much. them all hugging was beautiful. he missed them all so much.

her mother left her at the beach. like what the even. her sister in law gave him her address what the even, this side of her family is wack.

they surprised her for her birthday. my goodness. this moment i’m weeping then it’s like dang that would have been cute.

i’ll be thankful the person i love is still breathing.

and it will be a good year.

-ri jeong hyeok

ep 13-14. the couple rings.

our boys. slaying it. my gosh. when they’re all surrounding her after she was shot. and crying my heart broke.

i never played the piano. and i’ve never told anyone. until you crash landed into my word one day. that’s how i lived. but now i’ved changed. even if i have to worry about losing you, i want to have you in my life. even if it breaks my heart bc it’s a dream that can’t come true, i’d like to sincerely dream of a future. so please live. and listen to my words i still have stories that i haven’t told you yet. -ri jeong-hyeok

when she finally woke up and he ran in. the fact that the mole wire tapped the room while she was unconscious. and then the tape of her mom telling her and wanting to thank seri and ask for forgiveness, and also the fact that her oppa and sister in law wanted her gone...wack.

when he was showing her his scars and the boys walked in and thought something scandalous was up, i died laughing.

i love them together. “they’re curious about your face. i understand bc you look great from the back.” -seri with regards to the paparazzi posting a photo of him online.

the split second after cheol-gang died and ri jeong-hyeok contemplated ending his life, because he didnt know what would happen when he went back to north korea.

while seung-jung was hiding in the market after he ran away from his captors, and the orphans collectively sang that sad song to distract the officers and protect him.

when seung-jung gave seo dan the ring that she picked up from the store so he could give it to seri who gave it to the pawn shop, and he picked it back up and proposed to seo dan. i weeped, because why does this have to be so hard.

when the NIS was collecting data on the ‘spies’: purchases at internet cafe, downloading videos of his favorite drama star, chicken restaurant, etc.  i can’t.

him deciding to go protect her even though he missed his chance of leaving the north with his life. and that she would be the one crying for him once he died made him sad and happy.

seri would make the same decision again. to meet the people and keep the experiences she had. “the wind blows to move in, not to stay.”

the exchange at the boarder was all too much. they all had to say goodbye so quickly.

ep 15-16. her family is wack. thank goodness seodan was able to get her revenge and get all the information from the chinese gang to turn over her older brother.

he wrote her back in the bookshelf. and is sending her notes after he’s gone. her breakdown in the kitchen when she saw all that he left for her. and receipts.

them going for walks at the same time of day to have a shared moment.

all of captain ri’s men reminiscing of the good things seoul had. internet. electricity.

i love that seri made a limited edition product to pay tribute to the ladies that helped her in the north.

he got her a freaking plant. i can’t. she is carrying for the plant like a baby and taking it around with her. got to say nice things to it. i knew it the last thing she said was rihoseok. (honestly wanted it to be a tomato plant)

“season changed but messages kept coming.” i really love this.

“it was eldewiss let’s meet in the country where these flowers bloom.” tell me they meet. please. oh please.

when ri jeong-hyeok broke the news that he was moving on to become a pianist and that the new captain is not a handsome man. the ladies of the village faces just dropped. i can’t.

“he found me every time. and i’m sure he’ll find me again someday.” -seri

“edelweiss symbolizes precious memories. what should i do jeonghyeok? it’s impossible for me to herons your just as a memory. so even if we don’t meet this year, maybe next year. if that doesn’t work too, i’ll anticipate the year after that. until the day you find me i’ll be waiting and praying.” -seri

stop it she is going to go paragliding and meet him again. come on.

eun-dong saying he misses his sister. i love them.

most wonderful two weeks of the year. stop it they have a house together in switzerland. and they are living happily ever after.

i really don’t want it to end...

[shy-magpie]

RQG 152

Poor Alex, there was no way to know and changing the story would be more of a breach of the implied contract than going forward. Plus side this warning implies we'll get more info on how the biology of the infection works before RSB actually explodes. To be clear I am all for warnings, I just imagine this was one heck of an awkward position for Alex & co to find themselves in. Well one would think they wanted to get through the intros as fast as physically possible! Seriously bless em for sticking with the structure instead of saying screw it and diving right in. Must be frustrating but it really helps me get in the right space to listen. Yeah it was a bit of an altruism run. That Ben physically ill at the prospect of characters talking? Yuck it up, I was specifically promised three (3) distinct topics would be addressed including both coping mechanisms and back stories. Poor Azu. If someone doesn't hold her while she has a proper cry I will be an unhappy Magpie. Are the new kids going to be invited to the conversations that are totally for sure not going to be put off for a month? Retcon: Barnes and Carter actually fought well it. I guess they were just down to the tricky ones. Theatrical much? Cel is great, have I said that enough? Well obviously not it should be declared at least hourly: "2 o' clock and Cel is great". But right after last episode instead of backing down (and IDK implying Wilde told the new kids their pronouns), Cel is immediately introducing themself with them and emphasizing their importance. Hamid right in there with the leadership, telling the duo that the party needs to go into isolation. I know having Zolf around must have took some weight off his shoulders but the man has grown since season one or even since Prague. He didn't lose that just because he cheers up when not solely responsible for leading the party. Note there is a messy negotiation with Zolf about who is in charge coming up and it is a mark of my trust in this show that I'm not dreading it. Am curious if it will be explicit enough for the white picket fence kids to pick up on, I know I have a thing about rank but some people seem to miss that aspect entirely. OK point Zolf but even with his charisma score there has to be a better way to put it than "do that and you are responsible for infecting Jasper and the village". Wow I guess that is the case isn't it. Thank you leader!Hamid coming in again. Getting Cel the kind of updates on home Hamid was denied in quarantine is fairly low risk for great gains in Cel's comfort with the whole thing. Point of clarity: as much as I hate to admit it, once the quarantine began they couldn't really keep Hamid in the loop since Ishaq was in the care of the Harlequins. Its been implied even without simply escaping an infected person could have means of communication that work in am anti magic cell. The village however is public info. Zolf, I want that again in small words! Are we talking black death or infrastructure problems? Because a few targeted infections could take out the government but not directly kill the citizens. Cel is doing the forced cheer again. What the hell have they been through that they default to words of affirmation for gory violence? Like most characters acknowledge the gore or that it was helpful, not both. Barnes is more reserved outside of the fight. Issues? Trauma? Oh Helen spelling it out, he's my type, crap. "Emotionally unavailable pirate" is a lot of people's type TBF. No wonder I made a warding gesture on hearing Zolf's description and didn't warm up till Dover. These characters wear the red flag as a cape and I'm surprised when my heart gets broken every time. Eh Zolf came back and is doing well enough, maybe Barnes will turn out to just not be chatty vs heart rending. And Hamid in there with the initiative casting Detect Magic so they don't have to face all the risks implied with not checking over the bodies. Barnes and Carter are glowing "like a fireworks factory where things have gone wrong". Only Water Breathing on the mooks. Speaking of emotionally unavailable pirates, Zolf sounds resigned as hell. I know he's working on it but the situation would depress anyone and he's been having a time of it, what with the puzzles and all. Shutting down isn't actually coping better than being shouty just more convenient. Have I already mentioned I want someone to comfort Azu on screen so she can put herself first for once? Remember how bright she shone in Cairo? If she doesn't process soon she's going to echo Zolf's arc. Carter is trying to looking at the bright side. Thank you Ben and Alex, not only a mood lightener but one that reminds us that Zolf asks direct questions now. And Zolf just moved as clearly as possible to protect Azu after Carter lashed out in response to her. I know they have a ways to get to where Grizzop & Azu were but I think they are at least proper team mates. Maybe having Zolf on this side of the bars this time will ease anything Azu is carrying from their introduction. Cel is a delight. Did they just suggest hamster balls? I love how Alex jokes about his own set design. Ah there is Ben's Minecraft joke. I think that's what you call environmental story telling. I love the mental image of them making their entrance crashing the mine cart into the ambush, like half way between a roller-coaster and sledding. Ah its been so long Zolf can't apply his memories of mining. They are officially out! Azu and Zolf are finally breathing right. Hey Zolf broke the weather machine! Cel takes a look see. Plumes of smoke from Shoin's? Wreckage from all the storms. Zolf joins Cel and USES HIS WORDS! I am so proud of him. Like not kidding learning to proactively offer praise & comfort instead of only offering concrete assistance in reaction is a huge step. Oh Cel! Getting yourself killed fighting alone would not have been better than defending your patch. And Zolf is right there, god remember Paris? Remember Prague? Now look at him. And there is the reality check. Not as jarring as it could have been. Azu is face down on the ground near Hamid! No more putting on her game face and slogging through it! Yes, process all you need darlin, no reason to rush. Hamid checks in! Azu takes his hand and explicitly talks about how scary it was when he was missing. Hamid talks about putting on a brave face for Skraak! RQG really just said "we're giving the fandom everything they want" in an episode recorded before we had a chance to ask. Azu checks in with Hamid! Oh Hamid its ok not to be ok. Oh hat Azu! Hamid call your family 18mumble is a go! Alex I will scream if he gets another delaying tactic. Cross your fingers we might get Ishaq and Saira! Azu assures him it would OK. Timing Zolf Horses! Topaz! Barnes: right Well that's a fair reaction to a celestial camel, he doesn't even know what the T stands for. Azu hugs Topaz Thank you Alex for making judgmental celestial camel canon.  How GMs don't all go insane with power from the moment it hits they can rewrite their world on a whim is beyond me. A Shetland for Hamid, a standard sounding horse for Cel, a cart horse for Azu, and another Shetland for Zolf. Carter can't get the question out before Zolf shuts him down. He is sticking to his word to Skraak, the island belongs to the Kobolds. Hamid calls en route! Bryn remembers to roll for it! Ishaq is a great kid, such a good sign he sounds like a kid too. Yes the kids are all together in the country house! Dad is at a redacted location, thank you Alex! Mom is alright! Saira is busy and the biggest problem with Ismail is that he is now taller than Ishaq! Ismail is good at magic too. Family bonding time. Einstein is working. Emeka & Veseek are helping things. Ed is with the family. Zolf is not happy about the call. Fair Zolf but none of us are regretting that call. Eh it being a one time thing is fair. Have I mentioned I like how Hamid & Zolf bicker? Its not like with Grizzop. They assume good faith and argue about the issue not score points. Part of why I shipped them in the beginning honestly: charismatic as Hamid is he probably impressioned like a duck on the first person to care more about what he was saying than how he said it. They joke about how hard nonverbal shots are in a podcast. Yes Alex we really do respect your craft. Might have been reassuring Ben. Helen is on the audience's side as always and tells him to pay up on the promised coping mechanisms talk. And Alex makes them roll a perception check. Do not talk block. Carter has been trying to eavesdrop. Azu tells him he isn't invited and Zolf tosses something at his head. Carter slinks back off. Zolf is still not good with words but he is resisting the urge to take it back. That counts damn it! Azu: your not good at talking for someone who says we need to talk. Yes Azu, and thats what makes it special. He is willing to put himself out there and do things he is bad at for the sake of the team. I like how Helen plays Azu getting over her issues with Zolf rather than just leaping to "Hamid vouched for you so we're besties". I need a clip of this, Zolf is offering to listen and be there while respecting boundaries and citing his own experience. Helen is great, Azu jumps right into the 18 months by asking about his relationship with Poseidon. Which again makes sense, as Azu is still working on "we met after you drugged, trapped, and imprisoned me". Which I get but seriously couldn't it have been in the stew or something? Drugging a woman's drink has connotations. Azu backstory(ish) oh thank Alex her cult is still doing the good work. Zolf tells Azu this, and offers her an out? Hamid & Zolf offer reassurance. Yes Hamid specifically tells her it isn't her fault. Zolf assures her that she isn't responsible for Sasha's decisions. Cel and Carter are chatting about what they've seen on the island.  Barnes tells them to keep the volume down and does Zolf's thing of bouncing something off Carter's head when he's loud again. Hamid moves to check in with Cel. Cel calls him on it.  Hamid asks what Cel plans to do after quarantine! Thank you Bryn! Cel doesn't know, ow. Cel feels obligated to be more proactive. Hamid reassures and points out that they were able to do it as a team so its not on Cel for not acting alone. Cel what is your backstory, afraid of being the monster. Thank you, I could wrap myself in this episode like a blanket. Cel how do you know that about being friends with mercs? Hamid would do it again but wants them to have a choice. Cel: When I call you little buddy I m not referring to the size of your heart. And that was veering saccharine so Ben swoops in with the Harrison Campbell joke. Do not make me get into why Hamid might be using snobbery as a cover for continuing to care more about what people might think than what he wants. Its a cheap shot for what could equally be he's that age and still has some flaws to work through. Thank you Alex for being realistic about horse pace without turning it into a word problem. Wilde! Cel points out the inn keeper could be infected, the boys explain the system of watching one another. Zolf is not letting Wilde get cute with his team again. Wilde wants them "fully supervised" in the bath. I feared that Alex, Wilde turned himself off again. Zolf calls him on it, kinda. They skim past the bath, thank you that could have been problematic. Thank goodness they are leaving the cell door open but locking the trap door. The new kids are in quarantine with them. Fair, going to be fun, but fair.  

[whatadaze]

shan writes another long ass post no one asked for: 

so unless you’ve been living under a rock, you MIGHT have heard about skam nl + its recent decision to remove the geoblock on its youtube videos. if you have never watched skam nl or am on the fence about it pLS PLS PLS keep reading okay!? PLEASE 

I’m not the best at articulating my thoughts and suck at writing but i’ll try my best so PLS read :-) 

1. THE CAST

skamnl’s girl squad has a WOC playing noora (liv), a bisexual chris (janna), the least problematic vilde (engel), an AMAZING eva (isa), and even though their sana (imaan) could only be in the show for one season PLEASE do not let that deter you from watching. the actress left due to personal reasons and they left her character’s storyline open ended so if there ever was a chance for the actress to return, she could! i know there are many people who want a sana season with muslim representation but skam nl introduces another character, esra, who is also a muslim woc and FUCKING AMAZING. that aside, the cast members have great chemistry with one another. the way the characters interact + talk feel so real and genuine, largely because of the fact that the cast members are very close irl. one thing that i love about skamnl is the way they portray the friendships within the girl squad. i’d even go as far a saying that they are the best girl squad (even surpassing og) because they are so open and honest with one another + actually TALK to each other when problems occur. i don’t want to get too into specifics because you just need to watch the show but UGH i love how the show promotes POSITIVE girl/girl friendships without all that unnecessary catty drama we usually see in teen shows. 

2. THE WRITING + PRODUCTION 

so season 1 follows isa (eva) and i’m not going to lie, season 1 was always the season i didn’t care for as much but i was drawn to isa from the very first clip. she is just SO relatable and i would’ve loved to have watched a show with a main character like her when i was a teen. the dialogue feels so raw and real—the writing isn’t cringey or sound forced/straight from a script. and let me tell you, the PRODUCTION IS OFF THE CHARTS. skamnl has a unique way of telling its story through eVERYTHING. what the camera chooses to focus on, what colors are included in the scene, the song they choose for certain scenes, EVERYTHING has a purpose and i love when people analyze clips because it just shows how genius the skamnl team really is. they all work so hard on this show and it’s truly a shame that they don’t get the recognition they deserve. 

3. THE SOUNDTRACK

i’m not sure how it is with other remakes, but the spotify playlist for skamnl gets updated after each episode and that will tell you how long an episode will be. it’s actually one of my favorite parts of the show—waiting for the next group of songs to drop, listening to them, and trying to figure out what might happen in the next clips. they have introduced so many songs that i listen to on the regular from all over the world. in season 1, they had a song by kpop group TWICE and as a korean person myself, i was s h o o k when that happened! if you love music and discovering new songs, you’d love what skamnl has to offer because their soundtrack is A++++++ 

4. THE CHEMISTRY 

i touched on this in my point 1 but i just need to delve a bit more into it. so i mentioned that the cast members hang out outside of filming and they are genuinely all good friends. this makes their acting feel more genuine and real, their dialogue sounds more natural, and as a viewer, you really feel like a fly on the wall when you watch the show. it feels like you’re watching a real group of friends hanging out, going through typical problems you might be facing yourself, and for those of you who aren’t in high school, watching them really takes you back to your own high school days. i always get this warm, nostalgic feeling i just can’t really explain whenever i watch season 1. 

right now, it’s liv’s season and i know that many people who watch skam+remakes don’t like william or noora/william or think it’s just a season where two het couples making out all the time but IT’S NOT. first of all, season 2 has so many important themes that people (especially teen girls) need to be aware of: sexual assault, eating disorders, relationships, and like season 1, touches on the importance of friendship. also, noah IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE LEAST PROBLEMATIC WILLIAM. you just have to watch to understand but I PROMISE YOU you will not be disappointed. i have talked to so many people who HATED william and now they hate themselves for loving noah so much. not to mention, zoe (liv) + monk’s (noah) chemistry is INSANE. these two dorks are friends irl and in order to prepare for their season, they spent a lot of time getting to know each other and building a relationship so that their interactions on screen feel more natural. the cast just goes above and beyond to deliver an authentic performance and it FUCKING SHOWS

5. THE FANDOM 

this will be the last thing i touch on + may be the most controversial so pls don’t hate lol :-) one positive thing about skamnl being underrated is the small fan base. i’ve gotten pretty familiar with the regular group of people who frequently post in the tags and they are some of the sweetest and talented people i know. it may sound cheesy as hell, but the people in this fandom feel like a small family + i LOVE THAT. there’s no drama, there’s no hate, and we all just love discussing the show, promoting the show, and freaking out over clip drops, hiatuses, social media posts, and sharing theories. the fan base is one of the main reasons i enjoy watching skamnl so much, and i’d say it’s the least problematic as well. and that’s not me saying other remake fandoms are toxic or horrible, because for the most part, THEY AREN’T. i enjoy watching other remakes as well + am familiar with people in those fandoms as well but the environment seen in the skamnl fandom is just so.......different. i’ve developed genuine friendships with people from all over the world through this show and i think that’s just SO amazing. we’re small, but we’re a warm, inviting bunch and would love to have more and more people join us! 

SO WHAT SHOULD YOU DO NOW? 

skamnl has removed its geoblock from all their youtube videos which is how they gather data on viewership and all that so it’s SUPER important that if you decide to watch this show, you do it through their official youtube channel. the clips are usually subbed within 30 minutes of being dropped by the amazing @skamdutch team, social media posts are translated within 15 minutes, BASICALLY waiting for translations has never been a problem okay? they are released super fast so don’t let the waiting deter you. 

i personally love watching it the first time without subs and use that time to freak out and let all my excitement out of my system + once the subs are released, i watch it again and actually pay attention LOLOL 

but anyway, i know a lot of people didn’t want to watch skamnl because it was geoblocked so if that was your excuse, you LITERALLY have no excuse now. and we don’t know how long this will be going on for but i have a feeling they will block it again soon so THE TIME IS NOW. the cast have spoken out about it, the production team have spoken about it, so go go go and watch it!!! 

even if you can only watch one or two clips a day, do it! anything and everything helps at this point! this show deserves to have its season 3 and many many more in the future. 

ok all of this probably didn’t make any sense because like i mentioned before i suck at writing and articulating my thoughts BUT if you actually read all of this then THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU and please click HERE for a surprise.

byeeeeeeeeeee

love, shan

me after writing this post: 

[thelawyerthatwaspromised]

Bran’s Vision S6/E6 - the Most Important 15 Seconds In the Show’s History

Why Bran’s vision from Season 6 / Episode 6 “Blood of My Blood” is potentially the heaviest bit of ominous foreshadowing ever featured on the show and what it might mean for the ending.

“Blood of My Blood” opens with Meera trying to carry Bran to safety following the Night King’s invasion of the base of the Three Eyed Raven and Children of the Forest. Rip Hodor.

In the first 60 seconds of the episode, Bran has two different sets of visions that happen so incredibly fast that viewers undoubtedly miss a TON of what Bran experiences.

During that first 60 seconds, about 15 seconds are spent in Bran’s visions which are interspersed with cuts back to Meera frantically trying to save both of them.

Now, some of Bran’s visions are of ravens/crows which are sort of indeterminate in their purpose, so for the sake of this analysis I will leave those aside.

Here’s a crazy stat: other than visions of crows and the sunset/sunrise (A Dream of Spring?) visions, Bran has 50+ visions involving characters we know in about 10 seconds.

Doesn’t leave much time to take it all in, does it? The part that really gets me is that most of the images repeat - but again - it’s so fast that viewers can’t even process all the information they’re being given.

Luckily, I slowed it down enough to really look carefully at what was being shown and the results are stunning and scary and exciting and overall serves as a grim warning of the coming STORMS.

To make this the easiest to read, I’m going to practically go slide-by-slide working off the assumption that the order in which the visions were shown was not an accident on the part of the producers - therefore I think it makes sense to go through these in order.

After the initial group of pictures, I’m going to start grouping multiple pictures. If you think the groupings are off, feel free to provide your own to counter my points because the way I grouped the pictures later is my way of connecting all the information we were blasted with as viewers.

1. Pyromancers under the employ of The Mad King

2. Drogon

How do I know this is Drogon? Well these shots are an exact rip from S5/E5 when Tyrion and Jorah sail through the ruins of Valyria.

3. My proof that this is Drogon

Absolutely 100% indisputably Drogon.

4. Drogon flying over King’s Landing.

How do I know that’s Drogon and not Undead Viserion or Rhaegal? You’ll find out soon enough.

5. The Mad King

Well that doesn’t bode well. We go pyromancers to Drogon to Aerys. Makes it strange to lump Drogon in with these other two if dragons are meant to be heroic right?

6. The Night King

Well that’s even worse. The Mad King straight to the Night King? That’s making a deliberate connection, one would think.

7. Undead Karsi

Reminding us of the dangerous peril that Westeros finds itself, in case you had forgotten.

8. Bran’s fall

In many ways, the event that sparked the political troubles in Westeros but also started Bran on his important mission to become the 3ER.

This clip heavily implicates Jaime’s role in the wars to come.

9. The Red Wedding / Catelyn

Bran is shown the events of the Red Wedding. I can’t think of much reason other than to reinforce that suffering House Stark has been forced to endure.

10. Drogon again

Drogon right after some a couple terrible events: Bran’s fall and Catelyn’s murder. Does this foreshadow Drogon being involved in a tragic event?

11. Drogon over KL again

Well, that’s not a good sign. You might be wondering, “what makes you so sure that’s Drogon?” and here’s my almost 100% proof...

12. Drogon’s birth (ft. Daenerys)

We are shown Drogon’s first appearance on the show. His flying in Valyria (the DOOM OF VALYRIA) and his birth bookend a dragon flying over King’s Landing. I’d say that’s as conclusive as it gets seeing only a shadow.

Now it starts getting really crazy.

13. Night King and Craster’s son

THE SHOW EXPLICITLY COMPARES DANY AND HER DRAGONS TO THE NIGHT KING AND CRASTER’S SON.

~ Me, just now

And it makes so much sense. Daenerys used fire to create the dragons while the Night King used his ice. Neither the dragons nor Craster’s sons are biologically related to their new masters.

That’s absolutely insane.

*take a breath*

That’s what I’ll call the first “phase” of the visions because after that, the images start to repeat (with the same sequencing). I’ll group the sets of visions that are repeats of the previous sets to reinforce that a lot of the visions are patterned intentionally.

14. Same images. Seems important then, right?

15. Ned Stark Beheading

Now we get Ned Stark’s death. Again, we’re not meant to see any of this as a good sign - but House Stark is the entity shown to be suffering the most during these visions. It could be because it’s Bran’s vision and he’s a Stark but I think it’s because House Stark is the most important family unit that carries the burden of fighting these threats.

16. ANOTHER set of images comparing Dany and her children with the Night King and his children.

Holy smokes.

17. Jaime Confronts the Mad King

Seeing the impending destruction of King’s Landing, Jaime (who actually warned the Mad King about trusting his own father, Tywin) makes his decision to kill the Mad King.

18. Ned/Jaime/Robb

This series is tough to figure out. You have Ned (with blood on his hands featured?) immediately followed by the two most famous instances of betrayal we’ve seen on the show: the Kingslayer and the Red Wedding.

Walder Frey even tells Jaime that they’re both Kingslayers. 

19. Robb / CotF / Hardhome / Jaime on the Throne

Soooo...it’s been a theory of mine for a little while that Jon Snow and Jaime Lannister are essentially mirrors (link) of one another.

There’s a lot of stabbing/betrayal imagery here and there’s a lot of imagery linking Jaime and Jon.

Let me see if I can explain a bit:

Betrayals and stabbings are so common in GoT. Jaime Lannister is the “first” one associated with this behavior. He’s the Kingslayer, afterall. Yet we see throughout the show that our initial view of events are but a view of a surface and underneath things can be much more complicated.

Jaime is now practically seen as heroic for his Kingslaying by viewers, if not by Westeros. So even if Jaime isn’t yet a hero, the act that earned him the name “Kingslayer” was actually rather heroic in the context of saving half a million people. Where I see the connection to Jon is in the very clear way the show features Jaime fighting Fire and Jon fighting Ice and no other characters are really shown opposing either force.

Jaime is killing the Mad King who wants Fire. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say Aerys was a slave to fire by this point. Jon is killing the WW at Hardhome, who is also a slave to ice.

Jaime sits atop the Iron Throne that Jon (probably) has the best natural claim to on the show.

Told you this was heavy heavy heavy stuff here.

20. NEW IMAGE ALERT. Did anyone catch?

This one. What does this DIRECTLY FREAKING CALLBACK?

And it IMMEDIATELY follows the images of Dany and the birth of her dragons. 

So again, we have a clear connection between the way in which the Night King creates White Walkers and the way in which Daenerys created her dragons.

#21 Concluding Shots / Creation of Night King / Death of Mad King / Destruction of King’s Landing

The last images are of the creation of the Night King, the death of the Mad King, and the images from Cersei’s explosion of the Sept in S6/E10.

How do I think this is connected in a narrative way?

The creation of the Night King and the death of the Mad King both intimately connect the current events in Westeros at the onset of Season 8.

The forces of Ice and the forces of Fire are connected in a way that makes a link of the Night King to Daenerys almost unmistakable. 

Couple that with the way in which Hardhome and the Loot Train Battle were filmed (linked) and you have a very strong connection.

Further, you have Jon and Jaime both shown as opposing the representative of Ice and Fire respectively.

I was surprised to find very little analysis of these visions elsewhere because this is so thick with foreshadowing that it’s practically screaming two things at the viewers:

1.) “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST AND THIS IS WHY IT MATTERS NOW!!!!”

2.) “THIS IS THE SONG OF ICE AND FIRE!!!”

I’ve put a lot of emphasis in the Hardhome and FoF 2.0 sequences which heavily link Daenerys with the Night King through the POV’s of Jaime and Jon respectively. 

I found all of that stunning. And yet this blows that all away. This SHOWS these characters back to back to back to back to back repeatedly. 

In all I counted:

Drogon: 14 times Mad King / Pyromancers: 14 times Night King: 13 times

Now a little bit on the sequencing:

Every instance in which images of Drogon were shown, the image of Daenerys “giving birth” to Drogon was also shown.

Every single time Daenerys was showing creating Drogon, the Night King was shown with Craster’s son. Every. Single. Time.

Every single time there was a set of images featuring the Mad King/Dragons first, it was followed by a set of images featuring the Night King and THEN it was followed with the death of a Stark.

Catelyn / Ned / Lyanna / Robb - all preceded with images of Fire and images of Ice

- UNTIL -

They show the image of Jon at Hardhome and when Jaime kills the Mad King. The last few images after that do not contain a character we know being hurt.

This wasn’t an accident. I firmly believe that in some combination these two characters will be the ones that destroy Daenerys and the Night King.

I don’t know how, I don’t know who will do what, but Bran’s visions so heavily foreshadow both as sort of “heroic” figures that I can’t see it happening any other way.

[queerbrownfox]

Another Queer Bites the Dust at This Year’s Golden Globes

Awards Season!

If you’re like me, you’re probably suffering right now with an existential quandary, somehow caught in the space between knowing that award shows do not matter in the scope of things and only represent the Hollywood establishment which is only a tiny portion of the arts and being glued to your TV set to see who wins best picture this year.

And if you’re also like me, by which I mean queer (or care about queer stuff), you were probably pretty psyched for this awards season. The Favourite, The Green Book (not to be confused with The Green Mile), Bohemian Rhapsody, Can You Ever Forgive Me?, Boy Erased, Rafiki, Colette, Lady Gaga’s existence, and more . . . there have been so many queer films to come out (heh) in 20gayteen. 

At the Golden Globes this past weekend we saw an array of queer films nominated, and, I’ll be honest, I was pumped. It looked like it would be a great year for representation.

But then.

So without further ado, here’s the piping hot dish of queer erasure casserole that was the 2019 Golden Globes, folks.

Thought this year was a success for queers everywhere after the Golden Globes? Well, in point of fact . . . nope. Despite wins by The Green Book, Bohemian Rhapsody, The Favourite, and The Assassination of Gianni Versace, which all told queer stories, this year’s Golden Globes failed queer audiences massively.  Let’s break it down.

1. The Green Book? More like The Story Book.

The Green Book is a film that tells the story of Dr. Don Shirley, an insanely talented black pianist, and his white driver, Tony Vallelonga as they travel through the deep South on tour. Shirley, who happens to be a queer black man, and Vallelonga, despite their early differences (like Vallelonga’s being super racist), navigate issues of race and class throughout their journey and eventually end up as friends and comrades.

Sounds great. Except. 

First off, the movie was adapted and directed by Nick Vallelonga, the son of Shirley’s driver, who wrote the book that The Green Book was adapted from. In other words, it was the white man’s version. The film has come under constant fire since its public debut from none other than Shirley’s family, particularly his brother. Mhmm. Bad news.

Next, the trailers released for the film and other promotional materials don’t even nod to the scenes in the film in which it is revealed that Shirley’s oppression is criss-crossed with his identity as a queer black man. True, the preview shown during the Golden Globes ceremony did include a clip that revealed the pianist’s identity, sandwiched between shots of Vallelonga beating up people who were attempting to assault him. 

All in all, the movie smacks not only of queer erasure, but an elixir for white guilt. We as white people love to eat up feel good stories about white people who reach across culture and race boundaries to form “color-blind” relationships built on true empathy and compassion (see The Help, Shawshank Redemption, Hidden Figures). Stories that often take place, (coincidentally?) in the 1960s at the height of segregation. Which is funny, because it perpetuates the idea that race issues are all resolved now, as a result of the compassion shown by white people to black folks Way Back When. As anybody who’s got a sense of what’s going on in the world—or their own backyards—that’s far from the case.

Just sayin’.

2. The Assassination of Gianni Versace: Or, Another Straight Gets a Golden Globe for Playing a Gay and Everyone Eats it Up.

Ah, Darren Criss. This isn’t the first time we’ve been down this road. Have we. 

It started with Glee. Criss played Blaine, opposite Chris Colfer’s Kurt Hummel, an adorable baby gay with an impossibly effeminate singing voice that was ear candy if I’ve ever heard it. Criss, of course, very talented too. I lived for their relationship as boyfriends on the show, and tried to suck it up and pretend not to be disappointed when I found out that Criss (somehow???) was not queer in real life.

Then there was Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and now, Gianni, in which he plays the famed designer’s killer, Andrew Cunanan. All gays. All roles he was praised the hell out of for performing. He even won a GG for best actor in a limited series last Sunday.

And sure, Criss recently stated in a Bustle interview that he will no longer play gay characters so as not to be “another straight boy taking a gay man’s role” as the actor said.

That’s all fine and good, but that article was published in December. And at the GG’s this year? No mention of it in his acceptance speech. At all. If it weren’t already too little, too late for the guy, that last snub certainly makes it so.

I mean, I sort of forgive him for Glee though.

And finally. The worst offender of them all. 

3. Bohemian Rhapsody, But, Like, Without the Part Where Freddie Mercury Dies from AIDS.

This one pains me. I don’t want to admit it happened. But it did. And it was REAL bad.

Rami Malek. Even as a lesbian, I love him. Okay, I said it. He’s a cutie, and he’s extremely talented (See Mr. Robot), and his voice sounds like how coffee would taste (I imagine) if I liked coffee. And when I saw the first trailers for Bohemian Rhapsody, I was PUMPED. Thank God they got an actual person of color to play Freddie Mercury who, most people don’t even know, was also a person of color (yeah, his name was Farrokh Bulsara). The likeness, too, was pretty impeccable.

Freddie Mercury was one of the most famous bisexuals of his time, rivaled only by David Bowie, perhaps, who together produced perhaps the greatest and gayest moment that rock music ever saw when they collaborated on “Under Pressure.” Malek, always an enigma, I’m not going to jump to conclusions about his sexuality since he’s never stated it publicly, but, let’s just say he’s only ever dated women. 

Which is all fine and good on its own.

But Bohemian Rhapsody had already come under scrutiny for “straight-washing” after the release of its first trailer, which completely masked Mercury’s queerness, quickly followed up by another trailer that gave audiences a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it dose. As an article featured on Into stated regarding that sprinkle of queerness, “It’s the kind of passable moment that straight audiences wouldn’t take offense at and gay viewers could feel like they had some semblance of representation.”

Needless to say, we were off to a rough start.

So while I was watching the Golden Globes, watching Rami Malek walk on stage and accept his Best Actor award, of course I was nearly praying in my head that Malek would mention Mercury’s queerness. That would have made things better for disappointed queers. And honestly, Mercury’s memory deserved it, along with all the others who had their lives cut short during the AIDS epidemic.

So what brilliant lines had he to say about that? Nothing. Not a mention of AIDS or Mercury’s queerness was uttered by Malek or the production team who accepted the GG for best Drama.

Frankly, I wish I could say I was surprised. Or enraged. Or something. But as the 2019 Golden Globes ceremony came to a close half an hour late, I just had a kind of half grimace on my face.

As my mom would say about every fashion choice I made in high school: Disappointed, but not surprised. 

It was looking like it was going to be a good year for queers during award season, but we’re really not starting off on a great foot. Yet, I should add, we queers and allies should take courage, and tell ourselves that it’s not over until the last white guy receives an Oscar. Our fates are not yet writ. With a little over six weeks left, we have two options.

First, for those of you who are staying tuned in, have hope. There are a lot of queer films, TV shows, and artists in the running at this year’s award shows. The Golden’s are pretty indicative of how the Oscars turn out, but they’re not a direct reflection. And there’s still time for people, (Ahem, Rami Malek and Darren Criss) to do justice to the queer community as potential allies.

Second, for those of you who don’t care about awards shows, take pride in knowing that you’re probably right. It probably doesn’t matter. Nothing really matters, after all . . . ♫

[evenstevensranked]

#9: Season 3, Episode 22 - “Leavin’ Stevens”

It’s the series finale!! Eileen is projected the winner of a major election for Congress, which means the Stevens family will be moving to Washington D.C. immediately. Pretty big deal. Our beloved characters must say goodbye to each other forever, but Louis can’t bring himself to move across the country without telling Tawny how he really feels about her. 

Let’s talk about why this cinematic plotline would’ve made an infinitely better DCOM than The Even Stevens Movie. 

This one opens with the Stevens family huddled together in the living room, anxiously awaiting the results of Eileen’s election. Riiiiight as the news reporter is about to announce the winner, Beans appears out of nowhere, grabs the remote and changes the channel to... Toon Disney?! They show a legit clip of Teamo Supremo (remember that show?! LOL) instead of some fake cartoon or something which is kinda cool. Granted, it’s a Disney cartoon, so they had the right to use it no problem -- but still! That show premiered in 2002 so I’m sure they threw that clip in there to promote it somehow. Otherwise, it’s just sorta funny to think Toon Disney and ABC (Disney Channel sister stations) exist in the Even Stevens-verse. 

Beans, being the nuisance that he is, throws the remote into a skinny vase thing so Ren is forced to ~magically~ change the channel back manually. 

Remember when you could change the channel with buttons on the actual TV? Good times. If you lose the remote these days, you’re pretty much screwed. 

Thankfully, they turn back in time to catch the results: EILEEN WON! It cuts to her giving a little press conference outside where she announces that the entire family will be moving to Washington D.C. immediately so that she can get to work right away. This is insane news to Louis since he apparently had no idea that Congress was in Washington or that the whole family would need to move there if Eileen were to win. 

It cuts to a very depressed Louis at school cleaning out his locker. Tom and Twitty are with him and Twitty is seemingly in denial about the whole situation, explaining that nothing’s going to change and that a few 14-year-olds can hop a flight to D.C., hang out with Louis and be home by dinner time easy peasy! Tom brings them back to reality by calling them “poor delusional fools” and it’s great. Tawny shows up and it’s time for “Romeo to bid farewell to his Juliet” (Tom’s words.) Oh, man. The rom-com drama kicks in here and I can’t get enough of it. 

I’m guessing that this moment is the actual very last time they’re ever going to see each other?!?! So, the two of them are incredibly freaking awkward trying to say their goodbyes. I mean, how do you say goodbye forever to one of your best friends who is also obviously your crush in, like.. 30 seconds? They’re stammering and dancing around the idea of simply saying “I’m gonna miss you!” So, what do they do? They end up completely avoiding the situation by talking about how they’re going to miss the school cafe’s chili fries instead of each other. Clearly, that is not the last thing either of them wanted to say. As frustrating as this scene is, it’s pretty hilarious. Louis is all “I’m really gonna miss... y.......ahh... c..hili.... fries on Wednesday!” and Tawny just awkwardly goes along with it, “Yeah. I love those... They’re great.” HAHAHA. They proceed to engage in what’s gotta be up there as one of the most uncomfortable hugs of all time:

One thing this show consistently nails is middle school awkwardness. Louis & Tawny are lightyears ahead of me and my old crush though. He was moving to Deleware at the end of 8th grade and we didn’t even say goodbye to each other at ALL at graduation, omg. We just avoided each other entirely. The worst part is that we were side-by-side PARTNERS for the graduation march and we didn’t even speak to each other. The level of immaturity and awkwardness is unparalleled.... 

It cuts to Ren talking with Ruby and Monique who are also getting emotional over Ren’s impending departure. (“What are we gonna do without her?!”) Basically, the two of them are completely incapable of organizing their own lives and need Ren’s constant guidance. One of their biggest concerns is that the three of them previously waited 6 hours in line for Peachbox tickets and now they can’t go to the concert together. First of all.... WHAT OR WHO THE HECK IS PEACHBOX? For some reason, I’ve always imagined a knockoff Matchbox Twenty band simply because of the “box” connection lol. Buuuut, I’m gonna guess that it’s just a music festival or something. It’s not important in the grand scheme of things here.

We see Louis and Twitty walking home from school together and it’s a very somber stroll. Twitty says “I know you’re not the most romantic guy in the world (I BEG TO DIFFER, TWITTY!!!) but, do you really want the last thing you talk about with Tawny to be chili fries?” Obviously, Louis says no, but its too late! There’s nothing he can do at this point! Twitty dramatically says “No, it’s never too late...” and just WALKS AWAY!!!! Did he leave Louis in the dust?! Was that the last thing they said to each other?! What?! Did Louis and Twitty’s epic friendship just... end on a cryptic note for dramatic effect? Why am I just realizing this?

I’m laughing at the idea of this being their final exchange. “It’s never too late. Peace out, cub scout.”

Twitty’s dramatic last words kick Louis into rom-com leading man overdrive. As soon as he gets home, he sits down and starts recording a videotape for Tawny so that he can say everything he wasn’t able to in person. (See cover photo.) Oh, my lord. This is incredible. He starts off by saying that he’ll already be 2,797 miles away (he looked it up) in Washington by the time she sees the tape. “I didn’t want the last thing we talked about to be chili fries. So that’s why I’m doing this -- this tape, ya know? To tell you how I really feel...” And Shia is already hitting it outta the god damn park with his acting. The scene cuts after that, so we don’t get to hear the rest. Gotta keep us on our toes!

Louis meets up with Tom later and gives him the tape, instructing -- or rather, threatening -- him to personally deliver it to Tawny... OR ELSE. 

“Tom, I’m entrusting you with this tape. Okay? So, if anybody else -- besides Tawny -- gets their hands on this... I will personally track you down and make you pay. You hear what I’m saying?”

There’s a little subplot with Donnie and Coach Tugnut, as well. Every character’s plot in this episode revolves around the Stevens family moving, which is kinda cool. We get to see how the potential change affects all of them! Coach Tugnut was planning on training Donnie for the Olympics, so he nearly has a heart attack when he finds out he’s moving. Steve decides to call his boss, Mr. Kupchack, and cuss him out because he thinks he’s never going to see him again. (Bad idea.) Louis has the Tawny situation. Ren has her friends. And of course, Eileen’s whole career is being uprooted. 

Tugnut ultimately decides to uproot his life as well and drive all the way to Washington to continue Donnie’s training. There’s a pretty great final ~adult joke~ here. Tugnut says he talked it over with his wife, Tammy, and they agreed that a little break could be good. He explains that Tammy is busy with her own life, which includes working the night shift at Romano’s Pizza. But, Donnie’s like.. “Uh, Coach... Romano’s Pizza closed, like... 2 years ago” -- Insinuating that Tammy’s been cheating at night. “I’m sure there’s a logical explanation!” Tugnut concludes. Wow. I like this joke, though. It’s subtle and smart. 

Right as Steve is fervently insulting his boss over the phone, Eileen comes running into the living room in a tizzy. She turns on the TV and calls for the entire family to come watch. In a “stunning and dramatic reversal,” a recount snatched victory away from Eileen and gave the congressional seat to some guy Charles Nuck. 

Louis: “My tape!” Ren: “My friends!” Steve: “My job!” Donnie: “My coach!” Eileen: “My seeeeat!”

You can always count on Tom Virtue to go overboard with his performance. To be fair, Steve knows that he totally just lost his job. Soo...

So, yeah! We’re only 9 minutes into the episode and The Stevens family is no longer moving! Wexler is so elated to have Ren back, he’s all “I’d be lost without you!” -- Literally no one can live a productive life without Ren Stevens I guess. He does a little happy dance down the hallway but then stops in his tracks in horror when he sees Louis moving back into his locker. “Noooo!” HAHAHA. 

“WHYYYYYY?!” -- I just really wanted to include this screenshot. Notice how Louis is unpacking a giant thing of syrup! Leftover from Lumberjack Club, I presume? 

Twitty stops by and Louis is in damage control mode. “I have a problem. I did the worst thing I could possibly do.” Twitty says “Dude, everyone gets gas climbing the rope in gym, it’s okay.” HAHA! For some reason I never really noticed that line before. It’s great. Of course, Louis explains that he gave Tawny a tape telling her how he really feels. Twitty asks how bad it is and if he dropped the “L-Bomb.” (“Did ya tell Tawny that you loved her?”) And Louis is officially freaking out. OHHHHHH MYYYY GODDDDDD. Scenes like this make me think that Even Stevens was more of a ~bro show~ kinda. I wonder if guys across the country related to this or not. 

Ren’s little ~storyline within the storyline~ could’ve been a lot better. As usual, she got the short end of the stick for her final hurrah in the series. She ends up finding a replacement of herself for Ruby and Monique named Denise who is seriously controlling and super creepy. After they find out the Stevens are no longer moving, Monique and Ruby really don’t want to go to the concert with Denise anymore. So Ren eventually finds replacements for Ruby and Monique as well so the three doppelgangers can go together instead. It’s trippy. And that’s pretty much it. 

Louis talks to Tawny later that day and finds out that Tom already delivered the tape. Yikes! Tawny doesn’t know what's on the tape though and doesn’t think much of it either. She’s assuming that it’s probably a nature special or Doris’ 40th birthday. And Louis quickly interjects “Good party! That was a good--” and awkwardly cuts himself off. Shia’s phrasing. It’s so good. I laughed pretty hard. Anyway, Louis is officially on a mission to retrieve the tape before she has a chance to watch it and calls Beans for help. Beans is at school when Louis calls his cell phone, and um... Beans is 8 years old. Why does he have a cell phone in 2002? Also, he should be in 3rd grade. Does this look like 3rd grade to you?!

That teacher is reading a baby storybook to them. This never seemed right to me lol. Also, that super tall kid in the middle is at least 11 years old. Come on now. ALSO they make a point to show that every kid in the class has a cell phone, too. Perhaps this show was simply ahead of its time AGAIN, showing us that soon technology will consume all of our lives at every age. 8 year olds have iPhones nowadays.

To sum it up, Louis has Beans climb into Tawny’s bedroom window to steal the tape back. This is the only episode where we see Tawny’s bedroom and much like the part of her house we saw in Thin Ice, it suits her personality perfectly and I love it. 

Louis is relieved to have the tape back, but once he gets home he notices the tape is actually labeled “To: Louis.” OHHHHHHHH BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! HEREEEE WEEEE GOOOOO! I’ll let you watch this truly iconic and emotionally taxing scene play out for yourself:

Can you say SOULMATES?! What are the odds they’d both decide to confess their feelings via videotape? Well, besides it being an uber romantic plot device lol. 

The episode ends with Louis and Tawny at their lockers, smirking knowingly at each other because they know they’re in love now lol. It’s precious. It’s still a little awkward because it’s like “ok, we love each other or whatever... now what?” So, in true Louis & Tawny fashion Louis says “Soooo... I hear they’re having chili fries at lunch today.” And Tawny whispers “Cool. I love chili fries.” The two of them laugh at how well they know each other and walk off hand and hand into the sunset. All is right with the world. 

How sweet are they?! Seriously one of the most underrated pairings everrrrr. Tawny’s jeans though. I never understood the 2000s fashion trend that was distressed markings on the BUTTCHEEKS of pants! It looks absolutely terrible.

The final minute bit is Tugnut crying “DonnnieeeeEE!” all alone at the Washington monument lol. 

This is probably the most cinematic episode of Even Stevens. This thing plays out like a freaking movie. Honestly, if they fleshed out the plot a little more and added a few twists and turns that I can’t think of because I’m not a screenwriter -- I firmly believe this would've made for a better and more satisfying DCOM than The Even Stevens Movie. They could've ended the series with an episode built around a wacky plot like the vacation, (I mean, the dismal and beyond outlandish In Ren We Trust was the series’ penultimate episode so that wouldn't be a stretch...) and then have an original movie with heart and a story rooted in the characters. Am I alone here, or? Having the series end with Louis and Tawny getting together and then barely interacting in The Even Stevens Movie always pissed me off. The bit with the videotapes could totally compete with any blockbuster romance film, tbh. MOVIES end with characters finally getting together and it's the big, satisfying moment. Ending a SERIES like that, and then not doing anything with it in the big finale film is just frustrating. I wanted to see what became of Louis and Tawny: The Couple. 

This 8-second scene of them in the chair is the extent of their interaction in the movie. Along with two “right next to papa” lines from Louis, which Tawny sorta reacts apathetically/sarcastically to. That’s literally it. 

I’ve mentioned before that people tend to write-off Even Stevens as nothing but a wacky show to watch if you want to turn your brain off. But, there’s so much heart here and great characters that are overlooked! Having such a crazy movie for the big ending just solidified that Even Stevens = Dumb and wacky TV show, in the memories of many. Which is perhaps the reason why the show isn’t remembered as widely or fondly in comparison to other live action Disney shows of the era. This could also contribute to its underratedness. It’s just not the DCOM we deserved. Even I remember thinking “this looks stupid” when I first saw the promo trailer for the movie as a kid. But this series finale episode felt more like a movie to me than the DCOM ever did! It almost seems like it was intended to be a film but they cut out a bunch of it. It feels really rushed. One minute the Stevens are moving and the next they’re not. There’s so much more tension and emotion that could’ve been built if the idea of them moving lasted longer than 8 minutes, haha. Idk. This just feels like a plot that deserves more than 21 minutes to unfold and breathe. 

I kinda adore this episode. To this day it still manages to squeeze a lil’ tear outta me. I really can’t stress enough how sublime Shia’s acting on the tape to Tawny is. If the scene was longer, it could totally rival his romantic monologue in Disturbia (which some people have performed for acting auditions!!!) I wanna see people do a “Louis Stevens monologue” for auditions, man! lol. The day I see a modern Disney kid pull this sort of scene off with the same level of maturity will be the day hell freezes over. I love that Shia gave his all to this role. Even though ES was “just a Disney show” he treated the material with the weight it deserved and I really appreciate that. It’s what helps make Even Stevens more than “just a Disney show” and why it’s still great, if not better, in 2018. 

This episode makes my Top 10 because, like I said, it has such a movie feel to it and one of the strongest/most engaging plotlines in the entire series. I might’ve ranked this one even higher if Ren had a better final plot. They could’ve had a double romance dilemma with Ren and Larry getting together as well or at least a cute moment where they finally end their rivalry, but nooooooooo! The pressure of moving forced Louis & Tawny to confront their feelings, they could’ve done the same thing with Ren and Larry. If this episode had a Ren/Larry subplot of any kind it would probably be my #1 lololol. The episode does have a lot going for it and so much potential though. I had to put it in the single-digits.

The Louis/Tawny content here is OBVIOUSLY of the highest quality. Hands down the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen on the Disney Channel at least. The videotape(s) is like a grand gesture, but also small and intimate at the same time. Per-fect. The acting is especially great here, from both Shia and Margo. I mean, these performances could stand up against any "adult” comedy TV show, heck.. they’re probably better honestly. They’re seriously killin’ the game and they’re both 16/17 years old here. So underrated. Even Stevens deserved to be picked up by a major network. Imagine what it might’ve been like on ABC, CBS, or NBC? Dang. It’d be the cult classic it deserves to be today.

Thanks for reading!!

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[instantaneous--indulgence]

Kinky Questions

Per request...

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer?

I’ll say dryer, since that’s the only one of the three I’ve yet to do.

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why:

Wonderful. And I got some great pics to show for it. J

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed:

Myra Monkhouse, from Family Matters lol. She desperately wanted to put that thang on Steve Urkel, and she gave off a vibe that tells me that she would have worn him out. Her being cute and busty didn’t hurt either.

4: Something that never fails to make you horny:

Having my dick grabbed. Simple, effective.

5: Where is one place you would never have sex:

A church. Yet I’ve seen some clips of a woman masturbating inside of a church that absolutely got me off.

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when 

I lost my erection and all feeling in my dick due to wearing an “extended pleasure” condom that apparently had a numbing agent in it. And it was my first time ever having sex smh.

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny:

Nothing stands out.

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]:

Probably rope, but cuffs get the job done as well.

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny:

Being directly told with urgency that I am yearned for and/or that my body/dick is needed. Also, receiving or seeing a nude image of someone I’m in lust with.

10: Top or bottom?

Top

11: We were about to ____________ but then ______________ [example: we were about to have sex but then his mom walked in]

We were about to take some photos of us in doggystyle from her POV in the hotel hallway but then our room door shut and we were suddenly locked out, naked.

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary?

One is enough as long as my partner is satisfied. Multiples are great when they flow naturally. As for myself, I often go sessions without cumming and still enjoy the sex immensely.

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

The two large containers of sex paraphernalia I have under the bed.

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you:

I had a previous partner call me Wolfie, due to a patch of hair I have on my lower back.

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex:

Two likes: The physical responses. Feeling the vagina tightening around my inserted fingers while I’m teasing the clit with my tongue and lips. The clenching and contractions that build up and precede an orgasm. The body jerking, having my head grabbed, or being pushed away when the sensations are too intense. And so on. Secondly, I enjoy the taste and messiness of the flow of her fluids and my saliva comingling

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

I can’t think of anything that I would consider weird. My partner and I both enjoy analingus, and I don’t mind a finger in my anus while receiving head or a handjob. Some might say those are weird.

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

I can’t say that I have

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom

Yes.

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had?

I honestly can’t think of one that stands out.

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

Cake frosting, maybe.

21: How big is too big:

Depends on what we’re talking about lol

22: One sexual thing you would never do:

One-on-one sex with a male.

23: Biggest turn on:

Natural sexual chemistry.

24: Three spots that drive you insane:

Nipples, dick head, perineum.

25: Worst possible time to get horny:

Prior to any work interactions or on public transportation

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans:

Absolutely

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had:

Trying that damn “extended pleasure” condom.

28: How much fapping is too much fapping:

When you’re sitting in the same spot six hours later with multiple tabs of porn open and you’re still searching for the “right” clip to finally let yourself cum to. Or you wind up late to work or an engagement because you just couldn’t stop stroking.

29: Best sexual complement you ever got:

“You have me all turned out”

30: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji:

Landing strip is fine. I don’t mind hair though, so Jumanji certainly wouldn’t be a turnoff.

31: Is it good sex if you don’t nut:

For me personally, yes.

32: Fill in the blank: “If they ____________, we are fuckin”

Desire me, and I desire them, have good personality and sexual chemistry with me, are into (most of) what I’m into  

33: What your favorite part of your body:

My mouth.

34: Favorite foreplay activities:

Kissing, groping, dry humping.

35: Love (>,

?

36: What do you wear to bed?

It depends on the season. When it’s warm, I usually wear nothing. In the colder months, maybe a shirt and underwear. It varies.

37: When was the first time you masturbated:

I remember pulling my pants down and humping large baby doll my older sister had after we went to see the movie Mischief. I was maybe five at the time. I didn’t start really masturbating until I was 16-17. I didn’t masturbate to completion until I was 17-18, but I had definitely had some wet dreams prior to that.

38: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

Tons.

39: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

Last summer, mid-day, in a public park. Got pics of that too. J

40: Have/would you ever have sex outside?

Yes, and I’m looking forward to having more of it when it gets warmer.

41: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

I have not crossed that off my list…yet.

42: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

When I was first figuring out how masturbating worked I once tried using a tissue paper roll.

43: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school?

At work, but never to completion. It was mainly just to take pic/video to send to a partner.

44: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane?

I have not. I have received a handjob on a Greyhound bus before.

45: What is one song you’d like to have sex to?

That I haven’t already done so to? I can’t think of one.

46: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

The smell of Palmer’s Solid Formula Cocoa Butter, because it was my go-to masturbation lube for years lol

47: Most attractive celebrity?

I suck in this department. I don’t have any celeb crushes or anything like that. All-time though, I would say for me personally, it’s Vanity.

48: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

Not much. Most of the lesbian porn I watch tends to be the short clips I see on tumblr.

49: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now?

I just had sex a few days ago so, embryo?

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?

My partner, and photographer who has taken some photos of us.

51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

Scat.

52: Do you have stretch marks? (How do you feel about them? Has anyone ever had a problem with them?)

My knees are the only place I can think of. I don’t think much of anything about them, and no one has ever had an issue with them. That would be weird lol.

53: Do you like giving head? (why/why not)

See #15

54: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

I don’t mind them either way.

55: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

I don’t know that I would want to be some random person’s first. I’ve never actually taken anyone’s virginity. I think I’d feel okay if the person really wanted me to and we had a relationship of some sort (friendship/acquaintance/partner)

56: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

Acidic fruits might not be the best choice(s).

57: Is there anything you do on Tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see?

Nope.

58: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?)

See #13

59: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day?

I could. But why? lol

60: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery?

Would probably depend on what for.

61: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

Probably prostitute. With porn there are variables like having to maintain an erection for long periods of time, having to cum on demand; as well as the fact that it will likely be accessible to the entire World. Being a prostitute seems a more discreet and little less messy, in theory. But there are safety concerns with prostitution as well. Still, I’ll go with prostitute.

62: Do you watch porn?

I do.

63: How small is too small?

Again, depends on what we’re talking about.

64: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

I don’t believe so. If I have it wouldn’t have been due to my try-sexual nature, more so than any particular act that I perform or enjoy.

65: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything?

My partner kissed me on the cheek this morning before she left for work. It meant plenty.

66: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day?

No, because my family group texts too often for me to be out of the loop, and I also don’t remember anyone’s phone numbers lol.

67: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?

Yup. I just did so at a sex party my partner and I attended last weekend, and it proved to be the right decision. J

68: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?

Not at all.

69: If you could give yourself head, would you?

Technically I could, but I’ve yet to try, and I don’t believe I ever will lol.

70: Booty or Boobs?

I guess I have to go with boobs. I do love the booty, as it makes for a great visual while in doggystyle. Plus I really enjoy “hotdogging”/assjobs. And it just feels wonderful having my hands on some booty in general. But with boobs, there’s the nipples, and the areolas. You can mash the boobs together and fuck them, which is one of my favoritest things in life. As is gripping the boobies and simultaneously sucking both nipples. Plus they’re right below the face so they allow for the ability to have my dickhead licked or sucked while tittyfucking and slapping the tits with my dick, plus you’re in great position to conclude with a facial. So yeah, boobs it is.

71: If you had a penis, what would you name it?

I do, and it does not have a name lol.

72: Have you ever been on an official date?

I sure have.

73: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

No. I’ve never felt compelled to.

74: If you were a stripper, what would your name be?

Male stripper names are so cheesy or skeevy. I’d just let someone else choose for me.

75: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?)

No, and no thank you.

76: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed?

I’d be beyond shocked because my parents have been separated for decades.

77: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina

I cannot recall.

78: If you had a penis/vagina for a day, what are five things you would do?

If I had a vagina for a day I would, try some Ben Wa balls, use a hitachi on my clit, I’d get a large dildo and see how far it could go, I’d attempt to make myself squirt, and I’d try a Sybian.

Source: @maliciousdeliciousunicorn c/o @myegotisticalindulgences

[dfnews]

Season 7 or 8, I'm not sure - Episode 1 First Aired: February 26, 2018

Episode Recap of "In Love in Switzerland"

From TV Guide: "In the Season premiere, Joy and Austin finally get to enjoy some alone time in Switzerland after saying "I do." Meanwhile, Joe and Kendra get their engagement photos taken; and the siblings help Jinger and Jeremy move into their new house." The house moving is the next episode.

I’m back! My recap season of life has returned and I pledge to make my recaps shorter so I can have a life. I always say that but then find too much stuff to comment on.

1. The season begins a few days after Joy’s wedding way back in May 2017. They show the clip of their first kiss and I swear they faked it. I can see no lip on lip action. This may be a precursor to Gideon’s faked home birth episode. Yeah, I know, I’m speculating. But some conspiracy is obviously going on there. Jessa, Jinger, and pulled off the show Jill, talk about how barriers break down after you say, "I do". Barriers that shouldn’t have been up in the first place except for the saving yourself for marriage if that is your choice. Barriers don’t make for a great understanding of who you are marrying. As for Jill, Derick is a liar. Pulling your family off the show means just that. That’s what you said and it isn’t what you did. You are a lying hypocrite.

2. TLC again airs the honeymoon suite that has occurred in all of the previous marriages to much my horror and snark. Why must they show off the deflowering room? Joy is happy to have thirty minutes to read the Bible with Austin before flying off to Switzerland on TLC’s dime. She is most likely already pregnant at this point.  Austin has always wanted to go to the Swiss Alps and marrying Joy made that dream come true. They debate who is going to be the better skier and I hope they both break legs. Yep, I’m already bored and need a wake me up. They drive up to the airport and abandon their car out front for a tow truck to take care of for them. I guess they were too distracted by the thought of sweet Swiss sex to care about their car.  Austin talks about being able to navigate their own lives without any outside guidance all while a crew from TLC films his every move. You’re not on your own yet, buddy.

3. 24 hours later, they are finally in Geneva, Switzerland and are very tired and horny. After solving both those problems they go out for lunch at a fondue place. The waiters tease them with a French menu but then later give them a menu in English. Joy is then bewildered by sparkling water. She calls it water with gas. As bewildering as water is for Joy, the cheese fondue is mind blowing. Austin checks out the other diners using his phone to figure out how to eat cheese fondue. The waiter instructs them on how to fundue but Austin does it wrong and burns his mouth. I wonder who instructed them on how to fundue in the honeymoon suite that first night. Dip it in and swirl it around. Suffer some serious burns if done wrong.  End up with an after taste of morning sickness if done without thinking. Too much fondueing  leads to weight gain and sleepless nights. Who knew cheese was so dangerous. Too much fondue can also lead to yodeling. Joy is set up by TLC and some local yodelers to try her old yodeling skills in the restaurant. Talking head Duggars try their yodeling skills as well. You can tell they have all seen The Sound of Music. They all do the yodel from that movie. Jessa and Ben are interviewed separately here. I wonder why. They don’t show much but Joy does pretty well with her yodeling skills. Austin just continued to stuff his mouth with cheese.

4. Joeken are taking their engagement photos back in Arkansas. Jinger wasn’t available to take them so another ATI trained photographer, Elizabeth Shoemaker, is in charge. Elizabeth is a long-time Duggar friend and Gothardite who is now wearing jeans!  Joy is amazed by sparkling water and I am amazed by Gothardite women who are breaking free from legalistic rules. Joeken brought Kendra’s younger sister, Lauren, to chaperone because Kendra says the desire to jump each others bones is too strong for them to be trusted alone. When will these kids develop some self-control? The photographer tells Joe to put his hand on Kendra’s waist and Joe seeks the approval of Lauren. What is wrong with these young adults? They are so emotionally stunted. Joeken are now allowing a few more sidehugs, hand holding, and I love yous, throughout their engagement days but holding out on kissing, sex, and really getting to know each other for after the wedding. Joe says the wedding is for the girl and for her to look back on and remember. I guess the honeymoon night is for the guy. The producers ask the talking head Duggars which Duggar guy is next for a relationship. There isn’t a lot of confidence in John. John just needs to run off and elope and stop with his families’ silly games.

5. Joystin take a chocolate making class. This is the typical honeymoon activity for these people. In the class they meet a couple who have been married for eleven years and have five kids and their advice to Joystin is to have a lot of kids. Seriously?!! Did Jim Bob arrange this ahead of time? They are in the same cooking class as a Swiss couple with five kids which they admit is a lot in Switzerland? Talk about coincidence. The brainwashing continues out of Arkansas. Joy says God won’t give you more kids than you can handle which is sad when some are only blessed with two or three or even none. They must think God thinks those women are incompetent. Does Joy know about those big families who abuse and neglect their kids? The Turpins, the Willises, the Rodriguezes, and so many more, including her own parents? Michelle couldn’t handle all her kids, she has admitted this, without depending on her own little village to raise her children. Don’t these people ever think beyond the silly little catch phrases they are taught?

6. Hang gliding time. A lot of death jokes happen here. I think they’re all freakin' insane! At least when Josh and Anna went parasailing on their honeymoon they had the water to fall into. Joy lands by belly flopping on baby Gideon. I’m sure hang gliding is pretty safe and controlled but just watching it gave me a panic attack. I’m rewinding back to chocolate class to ease my nerves.

7. JinJer finally show up on the show to play a safer sport. It’s tennis time for these two. I have taken tennis classes myself so my nerves are calming down until the producers make it a big point of showing Jeremy and then Jinger exiting their car in modern day clothing that doesn’t fit into the Duggar tin box. Jinger in a short skort and a sleeveless top and Jeremy is wearing what looks like a bathing suit that doesn’t quite match his shirt. What happened to his vane style? They are both competitive and sweaty. The producers spring a strange question on the Duggar talking heads as the tennis scene is playing. They ask, “What seed are you in the Duggar family?” Seed is a tennis term which of course they are clueless about. They all look terribly confused which I don’t blame them. They all watch football, not tennis. The producers know the family lacks diversity and are clueless about most things. Jessa claims to be a watermelon seed and Jed is the seed of Jim Bob and Michelle which is sadly accurate. My seed in tennis is the bench warmer as Jeremy's was in soccer. Jeremy beats Jinger and I imagine Jinger taking secret tennis lessons from a pro and you know how that usually ends up. Next season on Counting On: Jinger courts the tennis pro and Jeremy seeds himself.

8. Back to the honeymoon of cheese, chocolate and terror.  Joystin are now heading to Zermatt to go skiing but first they must buy tickets for the train. They hold up the ticket line by trying to buy a ticket in German but fail. They get yelled by some guy in German…I think. They flirt on the train and kiss through some tunnels. How Freudian. They worry about there being no snow on the glacier. Just wait a few years. Climate change is working on that. They finally find snow and hope a magically arranged by TLC ski instructor would pop up out of thin air but I guess TLC decided watching them flail and fall would be more fun. They actually both do pretty well except for not knowing how to stop. Joy later stands on the mountain barefoot because that is her natural state of being and her boots were too damn tight.

9. The episode ends with them packing up to go home which is a lie because they were out of the country for two or three weeks and ended up in Israel for awhile.  Anyway, besides the lie, it was a nice travelogue episode. I hope to go to Switzerland someday so it was nice to see the scenery. You won’t catch me hang gliding though. Hell no! Chocolate making and eating is my thing!