#my end goal is to get a family settled in and just do a repeat transfer of power rather than forcing a sale

[taviokapudding]

For those that need numbers to understand- I'm going fully off my memory because unfortunately I recycled my copy

The October/November edition of the AARP magazine has a 2 page spread comparing cost of living from the 1960s and 2023- they listed $47,000 USD { again I am rounding down to the nearest thousand because I don't remember the specific to quote it} as the annual wage to survive in a household with a 65+ year old and homes cost around $400,000ish USD {which again rounding down because I don't remember if it's 449,999 or 449,000}

In my mind I consider making less than $47,000 the lower class cut off because,

1. You can't qualify to buy a house as easily if you're not in the 40k range, doubly under the US credit system and

2. fun horrifying fact, you gotta report 11 years to social security to get your full cut per month. If you don't qualify, they go by birth date and what is entitled to you on average if you pay taxes. My dad is applying this year and my mom has 9 years of receiving so I know wtf when I'm saying when I tell y'all a large portion of 65yr olds in the US get either 10k-22k a year (because no matter what $250-$300 will be put into a required medical insurance, regardless of whether one opts to use Medicare, or you'll be fined up to that amount yearly}. And that amount is barely enough to get by.

My dad and I earn, together, roughly 20k-30k a year + my mom getting her social security (she's on the $10k end unfortunately)- we barely got enough to pay our mortgage loan and I will, hopefully *knocks on wodd* inherit the home with less than 10k to owe. But what I got is not a universal experience and presently my dad and I are struggling to get food on the table, pay bills, and care for my mom since she has dementia. I'd argue the making $8k or less a year so you don't have to report taxes is a HUGE indicator of who's at poverty too. If you're renting with 2 other people and you all make 8k or less a year individually- yeah you're lower class as a unit but poor in the eyes of the government. At least one of you have to hit the $9k-$15k range to allow any of the 3 of you to take time off.

So living the under $47,000 a year experience for the majority of my life but especially having 0 adults making that amount since 2018 on their own to qualify as a living comfortably wage- $47,000 is the difference between just barely middle class and not. And with the cost of food and the US government not regulating businesses to avoid artificial inflation (tons of people are getting sued, being told not to turn into a monopoly, and investigated in the US food industry as I'm posting this) I expect that number to rise by the end of 2024 to $52k *aggressively knocks on wood* which I hope doesn't happen

Renting isn't "middle class" unless you got around $47k+ a year to start a savings account that isn't the spare change jar (at least from my experience- the highest my parents ever made was $45kish over 15 years ago and what AARP is reporting)

Ive noticed recently that my generation has... no concept of what the various economic classes actually are anymore. I talk to my friends and they genuinely say things like "at least i can afford a middle class lifestyle with this job because i dont need a roommate for my one bedroom apartment" and its like... oughh

You guys, middle class doesnt mean "a stable enough rented roof over your head," it means "a house you bought, a nice car or two, the ability to support a family, and take days off and vacations every year with income to spare for retirement savings and rainy days." If all you have is a rented apartment without a roommate and a used car, you're lower class. That's lower class.

And i cant help but wonder if this is why you get kids on tumblr lumping in doctors and actors into their "eat the rich" rhetoric: economic amnesia has blinded you to what the class divides actually are. The real middle class lifestyle has become so unattainable within a system that relies upon its existence that theyve convinced you that those who can still reach it are the elites while your extreme couponing to afford your groceries is the new normal.

[gobvo]

Another thing I’d like to add…

Although I’m a bkdk & togachako enjoyer for life! I do see why this epilogue ends the way it does.

Holdon! Holdon! Hold on! Let me explain real quick.

We gotta look at the facts here, why did Izuku choose to go after Ochako? Well because ever since they entered UA, Ochako was one of the first people to believe in him. She didn’t just become one of his friends, she’s prolly one of his bestest friends as much as Bakubrat is.

Sure Deku and Bakugou have a whole lot of history together but for a good chunk of it, Bakugou spend his time trying to crush Midoriya and his dream.

Yes, yes, yes redemption, apologies happened but my interpretation is that at some point in those 10 ish years post mha, that Deku simply moved on. Not just moved on but moved goal posts, way beyond being the number one hero and all that nonsense. Think about it, with all the shit Midoriya has been through and seen in his journey to become a hero, all the rot and corruption in the hero industry. Would you guys still hold onto that dream? Idk about y’all but I wouldn’t.

Not saying he no longer loves or admires heroes. That he does but it seems like he’s content with not actively participating in that whole industry anymore. (Let’s not even talk about the physical and mental scars the whole class prolly still have to deal with a decade later)

Add to that his tumultuous relationship with his supposed childhood best friend and you got a recipe for a guy who’s disillusioned(subconsciously maybe)

Someone who’s perfectly content with settling for a “lesser” position in the grand scheme of things. A guy who’s gonna reevaluate his convictions and lower his expectations.

Despite not being a fan of izuocha (I don’t hate izuocha btw), it makes sense to me. Her and ida took the Bakugou’a spot when Deku needed someone to believe in him the most. Back when he didn’t have full control of his body or powers. Back when he was still insecure and was just bumbling around in a new school filled with people who had been born with privileges while he did have a massive streak of luck sure, he still had to work hard to see the benefits.

Now with all that said, I just don’t understand why in the last arcs of the manga, is the focus shifted towards his relationship with Bakugou?! Why make such a big deal out of it when you don’t plan to do anything with it? Sure it was nice to see the two boys mend their broken relationship, I was on board up until that point. But after that moment, why make it seem like they’re gonna live their renewed dream of being a hero duo/rivals or whatever??

Anyways, I’m glad I dropped mha because outside of shipping stuff, I was hoping there’d be an entire overhaul of hero society. There wasn’t. I was hoping to see the villains get their justice, not win but be forgiven. I still hate Endeavor, he does, did and never will deserve a redemption arc. Nothing was done about quirk discrimination, I could go on and on.

And now this.

Mha truly is this generation’s Naruto and I’m sad to see history repeat itself even if for the time being we didn’t get the classic, very boring nuclear family ending with 2.5 kids, a dog and a picket fence.

Sorry for the essay but I just needed to clear my thoughts on this.

[crookedfandomquill]

Alright, folks, I rewatched the Bo’re Life arc this week, and I have thoughts and a newfound appreciation for it (what? Me? Liking the Bo’re arc?It’s more likely than you’d think). As my mom used to say at the start of road trips or our semi-annual family viewing of The Sound of Music: buckle up, chitlins. 

Okay, first off: this arc is a lot easier and more interesting to watch the second time around. I suspect that’s because I’m not chomping at the bit to just get back to Tantai Jin and Susu in the real world, since I already know what happens. This time, I can settle in and appreciate Bo’re Life without the urgency of “when is the actual story going to come back, fuck you writers”. It’s also very fun for me to draw parallels and find foreshadowing I didn’t notice before. And, having done so, I present the following thesis: the Bo’re Life arc strengthened the overall story both as a tragedy, and as a “happy” ending.

Addendum: I have a lot of thoughts about what constitutes a happy ending, and my thoughts on TTEOTM in this regard are complicated. Essentially, I would argue that the ending, while certainly sad, isn’t a “tragedy” in the narrative sense. While the individual happiness of the characters takes a real blow in the end, they do accomplish their ultimate goal. It’s a pyrrhic victory, but a victory nonetheless, and it’s implied that they will get a much happier ending as individuals sometime in the future. That doesn’t mean it was as satisfying as it could have been (it seems clear that TTJ will come back but I'm pissed we didn't get to see it), and I know a lot of viewers will totally disagree with my opinion. But I digress! Let’s get into Bo’re Life.

Bo’re Life threw a LOT of information at both protagonists, and the roles they played in it didn’t correspond neatly with their own destinies, which kind of baffled me the first time around. Ming Ye represented both what Tantai Jin could aspire to be, and the mistakes Susu needed to avoid in neutralizing him. Sang Jiu represented both Susu’s traumas and doomed loveline, and Tantai Jin’s fate if Susu failed as Ming Ye had.

The parallels between Bo’re life and real life perfectly underline the tragedy of the story: both protagonists are shown beforehand the choices they must not make, but because of who they are, they make them anyway.

Susu was an idealistic and traumatized woman with a mission, so she was always going to fail like Ming Ye did by putting the greater good ahead of love and communication. Tantai Jin was a disempowered and naive man falling in love for the first time, so he was always going to be just like Sang Jiu and give his fragile heart too fully, then shatter under the weight of betrayal. Bo’re Life both foretold the tragedy, and failed to prevent it. 

It could be argued that Tantai Jin and Susu played the wrong roles in Bo’re Life to avoid tragedy in the Jing arc, but they played the right roles to avoid it in the cultivator arc. In the mortal world, Susu needed Ming Ye’s experience of losing everything because he neglected his heart. And Tantai Jin needed Sang Jiu’s experience of subsuming herself in another person so recklessly that she lost her soul to it. Neither of them got that, and so they repeated the tragedy of 10,000 years ago: Susu by loving and then betraying Tantai Jin, and Tantai Jin by allowing his obsessive love to run unchecked.

But as cultivators, 500 years later, they both ended up relying on the virtues of the roles they played in Bo’re Life. Susu channeled Sang Jiu’s optimistic love and staunch loyalty to repair her relationship with Tantai Jin and become someone he could genuinely rely on. And Tantai Jin needed Ming Ye’s sacrificial love and dedication to the greater good to understand and execute his subversion of destiny.

This time around, they were both where they needed to be, playing the roles fate assigned them… but drastically changing the lines. Susu became a goddess, just like her mother, the only being who could defeat the Devil Lord. And Tantai Jin became the Devil Lord, just as he was born to do. But there was no battle between them, no great war like 10,000 years ago. Just like during their dance at the Jing water festival, Tantai Jin played his part, then surrendered.

And, just as she removed his mask 500 years ago, Susu saw through his act to who he really was, who he’d always been.

They redeemed the very mistakes they made at the end of their story in Jing: Susu, who couldn’t trust him and destroyed him as a result, finally gave him her trust, even as he wore the image of her greatest fears. And Tantai Jin, who was so desperate for her love that he killed her trying to keep her, finally let her go to save the world. 

The Jing arc ended with both of them as the worst versions of themselves: Susu vengeful and traumatized, Tantai Jin obsessive and broken. As she died, Susu threw Tantai Jin’s destiny in his face, calling him the greatest curse and rejecting him in this life and the next. In his last days in Jing, Tantai Jin devolved into despair and denial, unable to cope with the grief and betrayal. They didn't learn the correct lessons in Bo're life, not this time around.

By contrast, the cultivator arc ended with both of them as the best versions of themselves: Susu capable of trust and forgiveness and elevated to godhood, Tantai Jin whole and loved and able to overturn his evil destiny. They learned, not just from their own mistakes, but from those of Ming Ye and Sang Jiu. And it helped them win.

[banana-pancake5]

YES YES YES YES YES THAT LAST LINE TOOK ME OUT I FELL ONTO THE GROUND AGFHFHDHFHHFHFJF LEMME GO SONG BY SONG

-Not Sorry for Loving You

😭 this one made me so sad. I basically knew all the lyrics already from the released snippets so I was BELTING my heart out. Her voice is so so pretty and when I just listened to it at first, I took the ending with Odysseus as a sort of “hey we’re friends but not like that so sorry but I’m gonna go now. It’s been good and I’ll miss you” and then she finally accepts it but when I watched the animatic it was so much more tragic imo. Ody seemed like he might’ve been just saying what she wanted to hear in one way, but if it was genuine he moved on quickly and she was just left on her island. Alone again forever. She knows now that what she did was wrong but she really just thought he was a gift from the gods. A companion to join her once lonely life. And the ending shot of the animatic with her alone on the island breaks my heart bc unfortunately he’s not for her. She will just remain alone forever. Makes me SOB

-Dangerous

The beginning sounding like full speed ahead is fantastic I loved it. Ody singing sounded so sad tho bc I’m not used to him without his ensemble backing him up. But he’s just on his own :(((( especially the silence after the “cause I had one goal in mind” and then when Hermes popped in with the “all you gotta do is not open this bag” confirms my beliefs that he’s been watching Ody this whole time (that’s why he sounded so knowing when saying it: he knew he was doing a call back and I love him for it) and I feel like he didn’t sound as peppy as he did in would you like. I like this bc it seems like he’s adjusting to Ody and instead of being blindly optimistic he’s trying to just motivate him (and also just vibe with his buddy) and the WIND BAG. Idk if I got the correct thing from this, but I sort of assumed that Poseidon set a storm in front of Ithaca to stop Ody from getting home; then Hermes and the winions managed to trap it and give it to Ody for “safe keeping.” Anywho I also love it being “it’s a little bit dangerous, my friend” and then “don’t you know that danger is my friend” that’s just great. AND THEN ATHENA REFERENCED FIGHTING FOR HIM FHDHDHDKDJKDDJNDKD she better be fine or ELSE

-Charybdis

This one’s just really vibey and I love the chorus. It’s also really nice hearing Mr. Mind Warrior doing his little plan. OH AND THE SOUND IT MAKES AS ITS STARTING LIKE THE HORROR-ADJACENT SCREECHEY THING IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER. Oh and idk how familiar you are with this, but certain instruments and riffs are repeated in the musical for certain characters. Odysseus has the guitar and the different types of guitars mean different things I really like the sound of his electric guitar in this one dgdgshhdgdjd and the holding on for his family is so sweet :(((( but bro said “I’ll be there today” XD um idk man maybe don’t jinx yourself like that

-GET IN THE WATER FHDHDHDHHDHD

I LOVE how powerful popo’s (that’s his new nickname his name is too long) music is it’s just dhdhdgdhhdhdhd very good and strong I love it it really imposes that power and dread and stuff. And I’m kinda dumb ig bc I didn’t realize this before but I love how he threatens to gauge ody’s son’s eyes (like how Ody did to popo’s son) like ooookay yeah settle done please don’t get crazy. Then I LOVE how Odysseus tries to talk his way out of it which is so in character dhdhdjdjdjjsk and then popo seems so determined like he doesn’t particularly care enough to want to do this, he just thinks he HAS to. So he will. And his “no” is just dhdhsgdhdjdjdk very chilling I love it. And the freaking GHOSTS OF HIS PAST BRO FHDHDHDKDJDJ polites, eurylochus, and his mom killl me everytime fhdhdhsjdhjdd and the whole crew??? They’re making me emotional. And I love that with using these call backs, when I’m listening I don’t know exactly what’s going on but they give me a pretty good idea like bro is VERY near death rhdjdjdhdjsksk then I am reminded of the no longer you prophecy. “I see you on the brink of death. I see you draw your final breath. I see a man who gets to make it home alive, but it’s no longer you.” The end of this song IS THAT MOMENT. He’s about to die, he’s taken his final breath, and after this moment I think Odysseus is dead. The monster is who takes his place. And the next song REALLY cements that

-SIX HUNDRED STRIKE (<- probably my favorite of the saga teehee)

THEHDHDJDHDJDKLAJFHEHDJDKEKDHDJD again it’s very electric guitar and the genius of bringing the riff from keep your friends close is killing me. It’s so gorgeous and just perfect for me shdhdhdkdhdkshd bro keeps using wind bag on Poseidon and honestly yeah do your thing. And the “I WILL GET BACK TO MY SON AND I WILL GET BACK TO MY WIIIIIIIIIFE” is fantastic fhdhhdjskdjdjg yes bro get him and after the strike, popo was so smug with the “can’t you see? You sealed your fate” and Ody was NOT taking it and shot back the “you’ll call of the storm” AND RIGHT BEFORE HE SAYS THAT, YOU HEAR THE RIFF THAT COMES IN DIFFERENT BEAST, THE ONE RIGHT BEFORE HE SAYS “MY REAL WIFE KNOWS IM NOT SCARED OF THE WATER” AND JUST SHDHSHSJKSKSN and then bro just TORTURES HIM LIKE FHFHDJDHDKFHTKD THIS IS PRETTY GOOD PROOF THAT THIS ISNT ODY THIS IS THE MONSTER HOLY FREAK. Then I absolutely adore his monologue as he’s stabbing him. It’s so beautiful and tragic and broken and rageful and I can’t get over it. Idk if it’s a little trick to make us kinda get in ody’s shoes but Poseidon’s screams sound so nice?? Like to us that’s because they’re sort of singy screams but to ody it’s because this is his long awaited vengeance?? “calling their captain in vain” takes me back to cyclops saga and makes me wanna sob and then the “look what you turned me into” is him basically acknowledging that he’s no longer himself anymore bc of all that’s happened and what he’s done. “You didn’t stop when I begged you” bro really has learned ruthlessness and this is his outlet dhdgshshdhfhfj and popo calling him monster it just shfhdhbfhfhfhfj it kills me man it kills me. And yeah when mr. “Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves” is begging you to stop you know you’ve done some stuff dhfhdhsjdjkd

AND THE LAST LINE FHDHDHDHDHDHUEIRHFHFHEHDHHEHFJFITHFHFHTH INSANE. I SHOULD’VE EXPECTED IT BUT I DIDNT AND IT TOOM ME OUT THAT IS MY NEW FAVORITE EPIC QUOTE FHDHDHHDHDHDHRHTHTJJTJTJTJTJT

Oh my gosh I’d love to hear your thoughts

OKAY OKAY OKAY I WANNA SOB NOW STOP THIS HURTS IJDEFNKJCDSNKCJEANACEKJNCAEKJ

Okay so I think how I’m gonna do this is song by song, responding to your thoughts, and then sharing mine UNDER THE CUT CUZ ITS GONNA GET LONG

- Not Sorry for Loving You

Bahhhh ikkkkkk it really makes me just feel so bad for Calypso!! Her voice is literally gorgeous I love the way her songs sound so much decnihedcncijedncidjeniec I feel like he was just saying what she wanted to hear but at the same time I think it was genuine (platonic)?? It didn’t SOUND like he was just lying to her face but I can totally picture him doing so. But if he was being genuine then, yeah, BOY MOVED ON QUICK. I didn’t realllllly like Calypso in the being because she was …kind of a creep…. But now it makes so much more sense and it’s heart wrenching looking back on how she acted. That was the ONLY person she’d seen/talked to in SO MANY YEARS. She thought he was gift from the gods and she hears him talking about this Penelope girl and is like “who that?” And he just says “She’s my wife“ that must of crushed her bro!!! But of course she persisted bc that’s the only person she has!!!!! Then he leaves. Her life that had finally changed for the better is back to its usual loneliness. I want a song called “Alone in paradise” about her before he comes and or after he’s gone. It would be DEVASTATING.

- Dangerous

Okay wow I did not realize that!!! Ohhhhh that’s why it sounded so different!! Well 1 he’s sorta depresso, but yeah his ensemble is gone! Okay honestly I love Hermes so much but “All you gotta is not open this bag” DUDE THATS KINDA A MEAN JOKE DONT YOU THINK???? Heheheh I love that part of the song tho so I can’t be mad at him XD oh I can totally imagine hm watching Ody the whole, and the fact he knew he was making a call back (bc of course he did) is just so funny to me. Hermes adjusting to the current mood makes me love him so much more. He’s not just being all annoying and teasing Ody because he is aware of everything that Ody’s been through (which is A LOT), but that said, Hermes is still vibing and as he does he encourages and helps Ody too. WHOLESOME FUN FRIENDSHIPS I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!! OHHHHH OKAY OKAY THAT CLEARS THAT UP. I was genuinely so confused like they already used all the wind??????? But that makes a lot more sense!!

I HAVE THOUGHTS ON ATHENA. ONE, THAT REFERENCE CDEIHNCEDIJNCEDIJENJICFENCE I WAS NOT EXPECTING IT AND I LOVED IT SO MUCH. Two, I thought she died but now I no longer do!!! Partly because I watched a ton more God Games animatics and a good couple of them she survives (I think? Maybe I’m remembering wrong lol), and…. Well okay turns out I don’t have another point. Maybe I just gaslit myself into thinking she was alive with no evidence XD

- Charybdis

Listening to it again rn to remember it lol

Honestly yeah I agree and I also don’t have many opinions on this song ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I mean it’s GREAT, just as every song in the musical, but it didn’t stick out too much to me :/

OH BUT THE END. HE SEES HIS HOME AND THEN STUPID POPO (love the nickname) POPS UP TO KILL HIM.

The instruments!!!! I may be watching a lot of the videos the main guy has made bc it’s so interesting, but! I did see stuff about this! I think he said that Electric music is correlated with magic, so the more magic in the scene the more electric components. That being said I am apparently garbage at noticing these motifs and instruments in the music bc I didn’t even notice the electric guitar ;-;. BUT I HAVE HEARD SOME INTERESTING THOUGHTS I WANNA TALK ABOUT!!!

Have you seen the one short talking about the Sirens Powers? If not then you NEED to. Idk how to find it tho…. But anyway, basically it’s talking about how the siren’s song, depending on how clearly the recipient can hear, gives her access to memories so she can lure her prey into the water. THATS WHY THE SIREN SAID DAUGHTER INSTEAD OF SON!!!! Since he had the beeswax in his ears she couldn’t fully access his memories and so she got stuff wrong! That’s alllsooooo why the song has stinking Polites’ instrument (a mallet or something like that) instead of Penelope’s!! THE DETAILS IN THE MUSIC ARE SO COOL AND THE AMOUNT KF THOUGHT PUT INTO IT IS SO AWESOME EIJCNSDJINCDISJNCKSJDNJCKSD

- GET IN THE WATER YES ISCDUNWDCJINWCDJKNCDWKJNCSD

Ikkkk all his songs set the mood so perfectly! OKAY THE LITERAL GASP I MADE WHEN I READ THAT. YEAH I GUESS IM DUMB TOO BC THAT WENT WAYYYYYY OVER MY HEAD. NXSXJINXSDIJWNCKDJSNCIWJDNCJDIWDECN THAT COMPARISON KILLS ME. Ody is Leo 100% every single time Ody is talking his way out of something I’m reminded of it XD. It’s kind of a relief seeing Ody try to talk his way out of it. Yes he has changed, but he is still him yknow? Popo’s line delivery gives me chills. It’s so spooky and dramatic. and he’s got a point! If he lets Ody go then people will definitely see him as less of a threat. Doesn’t mean I appreciate Popo’s actions one bit though lol. I LOVE the following scene when he starts singing “Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves” the peril, chaos, waves crashing all around Ody. Even without the animatic you can just sense the threat. Also it sounds epic (hehe puns). AND FOLLOWED BY THE GHOSTS BROOOO DWIHBCDSIHBCDAJHBWDCIUNCDS. WAIT. WAIT WAIT WAIT. YOU ARE SO CORRECT. THE PROPHECY THATS IT. THATS INSANE. AGHHHHHHHHHHH. Noooooooooo Ody is gone. The monster takes his place and that’s devastating. I’m gonna get emotional disncjkjsdncjidsn

- THIS SONG. AH. SIX HUNDRED STRIKE. (<- Probably tied for first or second fav in this saga Dangerous is just such a bop) (listening to this song on loop as a write this)

I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE THAT THATS WHAT THE RIFF WAS FROM SDCNDUCEHBDDWUHNWDCHINUHCDWNW Popo you should’ve learned by now, Don’t let Ody have the stinking wind bag!! Popo fell for the same trick twice in a row XD. ALSO JUST AHH ODY “CANT AFFORD TO DIE” I LOVE THAT LINE VERY MUCH. BC HE LITERALLY CANT. HE HAS DONE SO MUCH TO GET BACK HOME HE AINT GONNA WASTE ALL THAT EFFORT AND DIE. and yesssssssss that’s such a good line asnswihxnxwsjinxweijnxdwnjixwdjinxdw. HOW DO I KEEP MISSING THESE MUSICAL MOMENTS NCJIWDDNIJDEWNIJDNWDDIJWNCD I DIDNT NOTICE THAT RIFF EITHER!!!! AH. Okay I just wanna ramble a bit about the whole torture and pre torture bit. The second Popo said “or what? You can’t kill me,” so stinking naive Popo, I KNEW what was gonna happen. THAT CONCEPT. USEING HIS IMMORTALITY AGAINST HIM. HE CANT DIE BUT HE’LL WISH HE COULD. I JUST— AHHHHHHHH ITS SO GOOD. AND HORRIFIC BUT DECNSDCIUNCDWJINWDCJINICEF. And then Popo begging for mercy, which he was oh so against previously (ironic right). When he sees Ody approach with his Trident and starts panicking “Wait …Wait!” ODY IS SO RUTHLESS BRO. HE DEFINITELY IS THE MONSTER. AND SOMETHING ABOUT HIM COMPLETELY IGNORING POPO WHEN HE SAID “ENOUGH” AND THEN SHUTTING HIM DOWN WHEN HE YELLS STOP. And when Popo yells out, “you MONSTERRR” I died. Nuidceiuecdnjidecnjindec. It’s so cruel and messed up but that was Popo’s outlet. he just let out all of his pent up rage, all of his guilt, everything. Oh and yes, “calling their captain in vain” gives me FLASHBACKS to Survive AND the Ruthlessness (it’s faint but the crew yells “captain” in the background) which justs add more to that sick irony of the scene.

— Okay, slight side tangent, but Popo saying “the line between naive and hopefulness is almost invisible” durning Ruthlessness is just killing me bc of what I said earlier, “‘or what? you can’t kill me,’ so stinking naive Popo” I just can’t dfwnuhedcnudhe —

“After everything you’ve done …how will you sleep at night?” “Next to my Wife” BRO THAT LINE IK ITS KILLS ME CEDIHNCUHEFNCEDIJNIUDXWNIJWXDNWCDJ OH DEFINITELY ONE OF IF NOT THE BEST EPIC QUOTE

Oooooookay think I responded to basically everything you’ve said and told my thoughts…. Hopefully this whole ramble makes sense :P

IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE QUESTIONS OR JUST THINGS YOU WANNA SAY ABOUT ANY OF THE SONGS PLEASE HOP IN MY IN BOX MORE CDEJINFDEIJDCENIDEJCNECDNIJCFE

[whosthere54]

Song stream notes time

Aesthetic of C!sherb is up until 2 birds

Just kind of vibes for C!sherb (up until maybe brass goggles)

Songs with themes of loneliness potions bleeding - almost magic but more interdimensional stuffs (the beloved)

Brothers starts at 2 birds :)

(family jewels isla coded wait hold on just a minute there)

(When the day met the night Rae and Caspian as well as the fable isla marriage to —> Isla/Enderian to —> alone.)

S1 starts at Fine

Corruption I think starts mainly at Laplace’s Angel

SECOND HALF OF I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE BEING COWORKERS I CARE

WhisperDuo is secret and Hawk in the night

PLAY WITH FIRE CENTROSS AND ENDERIAN

When the world caves in as the finale

Start of s2 as new life

Next section starts at Brutus and it’s the prison

NOT WELCOME BEING CENTROSS

Ends prison arc in Rock in gods shoe

S2 —>3 break starts as is there anybody here (Icarus in the worldport)

S3 starts with Maybe man

Chasing you - The emptiness of not knowing what to do after Haley’s been brought back, it having been their main goal before (very Ic + Haley coded song)

The garden - getting sick of quixis changes. I cannot get the changes to stop, I don’t know what to do, nothing is helping. (whenever talking about crows is talking about chat)

New eyes - Stream where sherb goes to Ulysses and finding out there eyes not their own and then the raft :)

(Two samples I think it’s called?)

The tornado - UNLOCKED THE BELOVED ITS PERFECT (THE END BEING ICARUS BECOMING QUIXIS I LOVE IT SM)

Birds - “I just want to sit here and feed my birds” energy

Look who’s inside again - father isolation

Let me make you proud - self explanatory Icarus wanting to make him proud and earn their fathers love

The fruits - Part of them isn’t them so they can’t be what their father wants them to be

Down the river - Athena and Icarus making potions and they argue about corruption a lil but I care “the dust never settles when you’re around” WHACK

Hero - them spiraling about Centross’s death before fable starts talking I’ll sob

When Centross saves them. Me when. I’ll cry about it.

Can’t catch me now - oh it’s me hallucinating wait he’s actually there rarararara they aren’t coping well but violets watching them

Do what you gotta do - HELP ITS SELF EXPLANATORY ALSO BANGER SONG AND SO FUNNY

Paid in exposure - Coworkers

Natural - also coworkers

Burning pile - CMV

Can’t go back - EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG

Try to change - Icarus spiraling by themself - I can only do what I’m told I can only repeat history

Lima bean man - killing momboo :d

Shots - why do I kill everything I love?

Prodigal ^^ spiraling and I’m really his son

Solitary confinement - I LOVE THIS SONG FIRST OF ALL

No longer you - (EPIC THE BELOVED) Up to interpretation????

Monster - Penelope Centross - Telemachus (idk spelling) momboo

No children - singing about fable - Rae coming with Vanda

Mr author - Icarus to quixis other half Sherbert to rina

Icarus by luvbug - Fables death I EAT THIS UP (ITS SO GOOD I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SO MUCH AFTER THE FINALE YOU DONT EVEN KNOWWW)

The bad guy + in my blood - OH MY GOD I WAS SO WRONG (the lyrics in in my blood I yell I rarara)

Daniel in the den - Fable is dead we did it we can move on!

Ruin - female voice is Icarus male voice is Midas (ME WHEN THIS SONG AND THE AMAZING DEVIL) getting ready to jump and die (mainly talking to quixis or the things)

“Nothing quite prepares you for when they don’t come back-“ AGH I LOVE THAT SONG ITS SO THEM AND I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT ICARUS AND MIDAS

Icarus and Apollo - ME WHEN ICARUS AND MIDAS

Show yourself - ASCENTION and Midas welcoming them

Who you are - Midas welcoming Icarus

The last goodbye - Him thinking he’s gonna die then SIKE NOPE WORLDPORT TIME ICARUS AND MIDAS TIME THEM HELPING EACHOTHER AND THEN THE PART WITH CHAT

Still feel - If fable had a bow this is the song when bowing I love it

epilogue things then Icarus

Back to black - WETBIRDS??? ILL UPDATE AFTER WATCHING THE VEN FINALE I GUESS???

SPRING AND A STORM STORYBOARD

Then the next section is specifically Icarixus times

Today today being years of time passing in the worldport I yell

Last section (after today today) is group songs :)

LOSER BABY AS THE DRINKING STREAM

The cave below hero

Ahhhh I love that playlist sm I had THOGUGHTS I was yelling in chat

[fabdante]

*spins* I guess this counts as drabble more than an ask, but anyway, tell me what you think?

Reboot Dante frantically running from survivor's guilt that started in St. Lamia's Orphanage and just grew from there, trying to bury it all behind a facade of hedonism, selfishness, and apathy. (Remembering his family and what happened to them added to this, tho being able to remember a time when he was safe and loved and had a normal family and home life helped more than it hurt. Most days, anyway.)

But even then, sometimes he'd still care about people, even through all his defenses. Sometimes someone would be kind to him, and he couldn't help it. Sometimes he'd get close to someone, form some kind of connection... and then the cycle would repeat- the demons would do what they always do, and ruin everything. In oh so very many, many different ways. In whatever way hurt the most. There was no escape.

[I'm sure you can add ways that things with Vergil and the Order fucked him up, too, but I'm skipping ahead a bit, for now.]

Vergil coming back as the King of Hell and having a whole host of information on all the people Dante was involved with that the demons hurt, and throwing that/those failures (at least that's how Vergil would phrase it) in Dante's face as a reason why Dante needs him (Vergil) to handle ruling the demons and the humans. As proof that Vergil's way is right, no matter how twisted Vergil's methods have gotten thanks to the power of being King of Hell going to Vergil's head. "All that matters is absolute power", and all that.

And it works! At least, that last part does. Just not in the way Vergil had hoped it would. Because that's the thing that finally pushes Dante over the edge into, "Okay, fuck it" territory, and his goal for this fight goes from "Talk my dumbass little brother out of this" to "Kill him. Kill him, or die trying".

("I hope I die. I hope this kills us both." Because he knows that after this, he's not going to have anything left to go back to, really. Or at least, he knows Kat isn't going to want to see or talk to or hear from him ever again. Which is worse than just dying here, honestly. Or getting trapped in Hell or where ever else.)

Because all that matters is power, right? So then, that's how they'll settle this.

I keep picturing this as after Vergil's stabbed Dante in the chest and taken Dante's amulet, after Dante and Kat have tried over and over to get through to Vergil, and it just. Doesn't work. And now its just Vergil and Dante, and the blood. Dante's kneeling there, impaled on his own sword, but that's fine, because it's the Rebellion.

"Feels good, doesn't it, Vergil? Better than the pain. The fear. The loneliness. All that power... Anyone tries to hurt you, and you can just slip back into that and not care. At least, for a little while. But it all catches up with you, eventually. Bet you know that, too, don't you? That's why it- all this- still hurts."

One last little attempt at talking sense into his little brother, before Dante lets the power the Rebellion is waking up inside him fully consume him. It doesn't work, of course, tho it does kinda unnerve Vergil a bit- which he of course tries to ignore and cover with bravado. And then...

there's no more talking. At least, not from Dante. The most Dante can manage right now is a sort of guttural, snarling roar. Or screaming.

The fight goes from "epic swordsmanship + gunplay battle" to two brothers beating the ever-loving SHIT out of one another- yes, with swords, and guns, and gauntlets, and demonic/angelic energy, but also just with their bare hands. And teeth. No finesse. No fancy moves. Just lots of snarling And blood and raw, brutal violence. And it ain't clean or pretty.

I'd HOPE Dante would snap out of this before he actually killed Vergil, tbh, or that Vergil had the sense to run away before Dante killed him... but then again, he might not.

Don't really have a set "end" for this, so I'll just leave it here.

oh this is fun!!

i do think the like issues with the reboot twins are a lot more um...Violent then the preboot twins, I suppose. idk how to word it. it's just a lot more personal and volatile like idk if i can see the preboot twins ever being pushed to the point of ever wanting to kill each other on purpose. the reboot twins on the other hand...totally different story.

[rising-volteccers]

Ah hi! If you’re still taking prompts, I’d love to see ya do the “you’re my family too” prompt from that one list you reblogged with any of the Volteccers! Maybe Friede? And if not I just wanna say I love ur writing it’s super cute!!!! Have a good night!

Yes I'm still taking them! Thank you very much for this lovely prompt! Just sprinkling in some of my personal headcanons here and there. Hopefully it's a nice little read!

Series: Pokemon Horizons

Characters: Friede, Cap

--

On a peaceful night, one soul laid awake while everyone else slumbered.

Laying on his bed, Friede stared at the ceiling like it had the solution for his awaken state. Just one of those nights where his thoughts mimicked that of bells in his head; an incessant chime that left him unable to fall asleep. Nothing that a mug of Murdock's special nighttime blend couldn't fix but after the day they had, he didn't want to bother his friend more than necessary.

The Rising Volt Tacklers had lofty goals. Wanting to solve the mysteries of the world meant that danger remained a constant presence in their adventures. While they had plenty of peaceful days, the ones that left them all a little bruised at the end of the day acted as a reminder of this path they took.

Being their leader, the responsibility of the crew's safety rested heavily on his shoulders. None of them blamed him for whatever mishaps they came across but such encounters still repeat itself in his head once they had some breathing room. Friede's role in scouting with his Charizard factored heavily on how well informed they'd be. Anything lacking could spell the difference between a good trip or a bad one.

Today was one where things could've tipped into dangerous territories had they not make their escape. Friede had to push Orla and the Fire-types in the engine room so they had the speed to get away in time. Cap and him were focused on navigating through the storm they flew into, being the only route they could take.

At the end, they managed to dock the ship at an uninhabited island for the night. Friede and Orla will properly take stock on the ship's damages tomorrow but for tonight, they unanimously agreed to take it easy and get some much needed rest.

Friede wanted to sleep; once the adrenaline wore off, he remained on his feet solely from his need to present a strong front for his crew. He thought he'd be out like a light once he crashed onto bed but his brain just wouldn't turn off.

He heaved out a deep sigh--stirring Cap that curled into a ball on his stomach. His partner stretched, then rubbed one beady eye with his paw.

"Sorry about that. Didn't mean to wake you up," he murmured. Friede reached to Cap so he could lightly scratch the Pikachu between his ears. "You can go back to sleep."

"Pikapi?"

"Me? I'll be heading to sleep in a bit. Just got stuff on my mind, you know that."

Instead of curling himself back into a tight ball, Cap instead crawled his way up Friede's stomach to settle himself by the crook of his neck. His partner turned his head so Friede could see his quizzical expression.

"Pika Pi-Pika?"

"You wanna know? Well..." Yellow eyes became downcast. "Guess just 'bout what happened today. 's a lot. Things could've been a lot worse than it did."

Cap tilted his head, deep in thought before he perked up in acknowledgement. He gave a single nod. "Pika." Another head tilt, this time with questioning look on his face. "Pika?"

"Yeah, I get that it didn't but... I guess the what ifs just settled into this ol' noggin. Hard to shake them off."

Cap's expression remained puzzled, as if to say 'and why's that?'

A small huff of laughter, empty of its usual warmth. "Cause the crew's safety is my responsibility. I can't fail that. If I do... I don't wanna put them into unnecessary danger. They're like family to me." Friede's voice dropped into a whisper. "You're my family too, y'know that Cap?"

Cap pushed himself up till he sat on Friede's torso. His eyes seemingly bore into the other's soul with how intense they got. Then Cap thwacked him on the nose with his paw.

The surprise snapped Friede out of the black mood he was slowly falling into. One hand immediately went to his aching nose.

"Ow! What was that for?"

Cap's paws settled onto his hip. What proceeded was a long string of Pikachu noises that Friede could interpret as a lecture. The more Cap went at it complete with animated paw gestures, he found tendrils of amusement creeping in.

"Alright, alright I get it," Friede conceded at last once there was a pause in Cap's spiel. Lips curled into a fond smile, he said, "You're saying that I should put more trust in the crew and not shoulder everything myself, yeah?"

It spoke volumes of the bond they have that he understood his partner on this level. To others, they would hear the chattering of an excited, slightly agitated Pikachu.

To Friede, he understood the intent. Once Cap nodded his head with a self satisfied smirk, warmth blossomed in his chest. He reached out once more to settle a gentle hand on Cap's head.

"I heard it loud and clear. Thanks Cap. Guess I needed the reminder."

"Pi-Pikachu!"

Friede found himself cracking a yawn. After working out the gunk in his head, he finally felt sleepy. He turned on his side, which had Cap repositioning himself to tuck himself by Friede's chest.

"Night Cap. We have a busy day ahead of us."

Soon, two sets of deep breathing filled the cabin, both human and Pokemon finally getting the sleep they deserved.

[roseofdarkness0]

Some Explanations of My au from my incorrect quotes post bc I started writing and it got out of hand but I need those bunnies out of my head and if stuff is repeated but just reworded then it's because I've been writing this on different days whilst working on different stuff at the same time. As office would have said, Parkour!

If anything else in the future needs to be explained about my aus I will link this post.

Married Au: Cali and Gov married each other around 1800's because some congressmen were bothering Gov about him being single (with goal of trapping him with one of their daughters so their family could profit) and Gov was getting tired of it. One day where he was close to murdering someone, he spotted another person being bothered about the same thing, sure maybe not on the scale that he was but if he played his cards right it could work out....

Long story short, Gov married that person, "Poppy 'Goldie' McNugget" (strange name but he couldn't exactly complain) by having one of the visiting priests marry them with others as their witnessess. Poppy provided the rings and after few weeks of awkward small talks and getting to know each other a bit better, they parted ways never to see each other again.... until nearly 100 years later when he had to take over a meeting America couldn't attend to and came face to face with Poppy or as he was now known California.

After several rounds of alcohol and long debates, that might as well be considered screaming matches by some states who were unfortunate enough to walk by Gov Office, they came to agreement that every ten or so years they would spend time together as a couple. Mostly to keep up the marriage act and just in case they need to bullshit something on the fly.

Gov was just happy that he wouldn't have to tell Pennsylvania or Virgina about the fact that he is married and didn't invite them. Or his brother.

*as a kind of edit, it's not that gov and Cali haven't seen each other before that but it was rare and only for few apperences. Why the congressmen didn't out gov? Gov is scary mothefucker who then was growing stronger day by day, the choice between death and life was easier to make even if they weren't happy about it.

Which speaking off, in this au I wanted to have countries to exist as well sooooo here is small breakdown of Gov "fam":

Pennsylvania and Virgina as "parents" not exactly but those two helped him out the most when he first came around so they have this relationship of sorts. Mostly it consists of Pennsylvania riling Gov up and Virginia trying to calm them and bring peace but I do imagine that the two are somewhat protective of gov and will beat his ass second they learn he didn't invite them to a wedding.

America as in personification of the country (separate from the states) being older brother of sorts to Gov, think Hetalia or CH hybrid. No I don't have design for his in mind apart from Big boi full of himself who is protective over states but in asshole roundabout way.

Cali on the other hand was human turned into state. His general backstory for this au is that he was human born in Spain meant to marry someone he didn't want as he had fallen in love with someone his family didn't approve off. To rebel they married in secrets torched down the whole town as they ran away on a horseback, got to America and into Oregon trail (which they sometimes left to explore the country before returning) and settled into the new land that promised lots of gold. Few years passed as they settled, drama happened somewhat and Poppy/Cali end up being detained for murder of their husband and hanged. Few days later he crawls out of the grab using skeleton pieces of his husband he had been buried with (hello COD community can u see where I got it from) and it derails into like 1800s where Cali who was still going by Poppy married gov randomly cause might as well get those sweet tax evasion in early and yes the rings he used where his and his late then husband (who is reincarnated soul so he keeps his memories when he dies and reborn, in modern times he had set up bakery in Washington and is flirting with a politician that frequents his bakery.)

Gov and Cali worked out they married each other in 1923 but it was like that umbrella academy meme :

They both were like wait a fucking minute why aren't you dead and then had the whole office screaming match.

I mentioned it earlier but every 10 years they pick some dates where they allow themselves to be like married couple. It started out with them knowing each other better the first few times and it derail into different activities raging from dinner dates to cute murder dates.

They don't try to hide it too much but no one apart from Utah really picked up on it's Why Utah? I thought it be funny. That's it that's the reason.

Both encourage each other to chase after their crushes (Gov has crush on Florida Louisiana and DC but will deny it harder then he denies having emotions and Cali is crushing on NY and Texas (maybe Oklahoma but that's a crackship so ignore that for now Lmao) but will deny it whilst being a simp to gov face) and honestly end goal is some weird poly couple cause I adore poly couples and think there is big potential for fun dynamic. Maybe I will get into it later.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

General rules for most of my aus that I will follow:

Kind of height chart mostly to explain how I see it. So, Countries are bigger then states/regions even the smallest country is taller by an inch or two, like even Alaska whilst the tallest state would be smaller then a country, which yes it means that countries are borderline giants but they can adjust their height to become slightly more human. They have special dimension of sorts to hold their own meeting but if they have to meet up with their human politicians or just humans in general they get to be more 'human' as to not freak anyone out.

Then you have states and regions of a country. Similar rules apply but obviously each country is just slightly different. They are second tallest to reflect their status as a region but obviously their height flu crusted bases on their territory. Nothing much to add here but cities are smaller then states.

With "organisations" such like well Gov, FBI, CDC and so on welllbdbd depends? I imagine Gov as being seoerete from DC and IDC (will explain soon) but general rule of thumbs is that manifestation of government is taller then the country state/region or malleable to what they want in the moment. FBI and CDC are a bit more human like cause they work with humans most often but they sometimes make people feel uncanny bc it's clear they just aren't fully human. Hard to explain but yeah.

DC And IDC! Those two were humans turned immortal cause I think it be funny. They are twins but gained immortality in slightly different ways. IDC was turned immortal bc FBI and CIA took liking to her and the fact that they got some of that hot international gossip that America wouldn't share with them and I imagine as a 'human' she was from either of their agencies or at least worked together with them long enough they decided that yeah she can stay longer. Not sure if that makes any sense.

DC on the other hand was a fed that was supposed to get the states to work together during the meetings in the pandemic which worked. He mostly gained immortality bc either Florida convinced Louisiana to fuck around and find out or Gov saw states devastated that they favourite fed isn't there anymore so he decided to grant DC the immortality to keep states happy but he joined more meetings and ran some of them as well as DC recovered from Jan 6th.

So DC and Gov are separate with Gov having worked mostly near president and doing paperwork from the meetings DC ran but he has been getting involved a bit more with states recently with DC running smaller meetings or hanging out with IDC.

Unless it's specified, most of family relations from Marriage au apply, as in Gov + Ame = kind of brothers, IDC and DC human twins turned immortal through two different means

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Poppy explained:

Essentially I took concept of Surfer Cali being SoCal and normal Cali being NoCal and ran with it by adding Hollywood as a Poppy. And mostly bc I hc Cali as FtM but add more wacky magic shit? Main shit to know is that Poppy = Cali but before officially a state

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Poly:

Just me shipping Gov x Cali x NY x Florida x Louisiana x Texas x DC together bc I am addicted at this point to complicated shipping dynamics lmao

This one will go hand in hand with marriage au as Gov and Cali crush on the established group of NY x Florida x Louisiana x Texas x DC and the group slowly going "Wait a second was that hot or am I just horny"

My favourite stuff from those interactions is Cali teasing Gov about crocodile wrangling out of nowhere with Gov talking about hot and cold meats out of nowhere in turn. Utah was ready to book an exorcism for the two but after being witness to the two bullshiterry he would rather book a cupid or therapist for them.

Crack™Poly:

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Literary same thing like above but with Oklahoma bc I think it be hilarious and I have personal investment in Oklahoma and Texas fighting like usual but both agreeing they need to bag Cali and others before anyone else realises they are good potential partners.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Poly-Nation Au

All States are dating each other. Mostly for either requests or ideas taken from Wtttcord that don't fit in my Aus or I just wanna write something

[sweetswesf]

Hey, Y'all!

Making progress. Learning a lot. Really glad I decided to take that API course. Just when I get anxious with it or think "I already know this...they're probably not going to test this," I come across something I haven't learned before or I get more context on something that I already knew to make it clearer in my mind, which is a plus. I am about 6.5 hours in to the 19 hour course, which is slower than I want to be, but I just have to be patient...

I'm pretty tired. I'm often negotiating with myself of what I want to focus on (exercising, eating, APIs, system design, data structures & algos, practice interviewing, actual interviewing, recruiter screens, helping someone, maintaining my relationships both familial and friend, paying bills, managing bank accounts, food shopping, getting sun, personal hygiene, mental breaks) . Oftentimes it can feel a bit chaotic. I'm just hoping this effort & time is spent wisely on the right things.

(I'm on God's timing, but that thought stream made me think of this fire song :))

I had an interview today, and although I'm improving on the coding portion of interviews, I still feel like I have a ways to go...Even during it, I knew I could have done better and I got mad at myself and maybe even asked, "Why do I keep stumbling over small stuff like this?" I have had so much practice. Am I burned out? The only thing I know right now is just to keep trying, but it sometimes feels like I'm reverting in some areas sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm making progress, others I'm like, I know I know this, why isn't it coming to me right now. I don' t know man. I just have to keep trying.

I was a bit lonely and wanted to reach out to that guy, believe it or not. Just felt really desperate. My past self would have. But I was strong and didn't. I know God has something better for me. Today, I matched with a dude on Hinge. He checks almost every box...I'm just...he doesn't give me butterflies...it may be good for practice but, I really don't want to settle. Maybe I will like him more after getting to know him? That's usually the case for me, but idk...I don't want to block potential opportunities to meet someone knew, especially since marriage is a goal. I don't know...I want to marry like a prince or something. I've never had a boyfriend, I want to do a lot of things in life, and I have been waiting so long that I don't mind waiting. This is what makes it hard for me to date. My standards are high, I don't feel like I'm bringing enough to the table right now to support something like that, and it's just not a priority right now. Not going to get into the marriage stats for Black women, but I refuse to repeat the cycle of ANY woman I know in my family...

I even talked to both of my parents this weekend and we're on better terms. Sure, I could make them feel what they made me feel, but I need to get my mind and soul free so I don't block blessings. Even if you do nothing bad to someone, not getting past it for you can end up hurting you in the long run, especially if you mentally dwell on things like I do.

I hope y'all are keeping well.

[readtherunes]

Letting Go Is Harder Than Taking The Leap

I was always the shy, faltering girl. The girl with too much intelligence and too little resolve. I watched others who arguably, had less raw giftedness and intelligence than I did, leapt into things with wild abandon and somehow came out on the other side successful.

I'd watch them from the safety of my little corner as they took the trip, published the book, changed careers, moved somewhere unfamiliar, took up strange hobbies, and took wild chances on love.

The narrative that repeated itself over and over as I watched these people with a mixture of admiration, fear, and envy was just that they were better at taking the leap than me. That was my issue, I told myself. I'd stand at the edge of the cliff and look down at the shimmering water below, wanting nothing more than to feel myself submerged in it, but I couldn't ever force myself to even let my toes touch the cliff's dusty edge.

"I'm just someone who values security and safety," is what I told myself.

At some point, it became too much, and I found myself finally, at 27 years old, moving across the country to a city where I knew no one -- taking only the belongings that would fit into my 2005 Acura Sedan.

I threw myself into the whirl of the new city and began to meet people who lit me up. For the first time in my life, I had friends. I started dating more ruthlessly, cutting out anyone who triggered the feelings of abandonment and fear that had dominated every single relationship I'd been in since I was 16. I met someone who made me feel like I was jumping into the depths every single day, but I stuck it out, and he's still here. I went to Ireland and drove down the entire coastline, reveling in its emptiness during the off-season. I spend days and days hiking with only my own company, telling myself I could handle anything the wilderness threw at me.

And I told myself that all this progress was because I'd finally figured out how to TAKE THE LEAP, in some sort of Tony Robbin's sort of way, where I pushed my reluctant feet to walk across coals and came out on the other side, sweating and gloating like a kid that shot a winning goal in a soccer game. I had DONE THE THING.

But the reality is much less inspiring. It isn't something people write books about and talk about on podcasts.

The reality wasn't that the leaps of faith changed me. What changed me was letting go of things that were not good for me or things that had just run their course. Every change came about because I had let go of something else first.

When I moved, I did so because I was letting go of a relationship that had kept me in a toxic circle of on again and off again for three years. I sat shaking in my studio apartment after the latest incident, where he had called me a bitch and told me no man could ever live up to my standards. I sat there crying and finally felt a quiet whisper in my mind. "There is nothing else you can do to help him. It is time to let go."

My lease was up next week, and that's when I packed my car and left. I knew the distance would prevent me from being pulled back in. It was final this time.

While I grieved that relationship on a blow-up mattress in my new empty apartment, I finally confronted the trauma from my childhood that had sent me into the arms of men who hated me in the first place.

I wrote my parents a letter, asking them to, among other things, own up to the sexual abuse that had happened in my extended family and to own up to the fact that they had raised me in a right-wing cult.

This pretty much ended my relationship with them. They could only relate to me as a small, watered-down, broken version of myself. They could not form a relationship with who I was as an adult. I had always just been an extension of them. The prodigal daughter who would one day come back and get married and have kids and settle into a deeply isolated religious life.

I finally realized after years of begging and trying to get through to them that nothing would ever work. They would never be able to see me as an independent being apart from them. I would never have the normal family I saw everyone around me having.

I spent days and weeks and months grieving that too.

But the space that was created when I finally let myself face the loss of what I wanted with my parents and my ex -- a thing that had never even existed--that space was filled by new friends, new passions, new love.

And now, I am sitting in my living room, packing to move my entire life to San Diego. When I visited to make the decision of whether I wanted to move, I knew it was time. The past four years of healing were done, and it was time for the next leap. It was time to be in a larger, creative community.

Then I got home to my life near the mountains and felt the old fear creep up again. This place has been good to me. The mountains gave me the solace I needed to build myself back up piece by piece and start to take chances. The community I made here became my real family.

And still. I knew it was time to go. This phase was done, and it was time to move to the next, while still having nothing but love for this place that gave me the space to grow into myself.

So, I'm sitting here now, packing my clothes into boxes. Looking out at the mountains on the horizon, getting ready for the next leap, but first, letting go of something I still want to grasp onto. Letting myself grieve, but loosening my grip and clearing out my hands to hold something new.

[itsfuckinganne]

a better update

it is December 28, 2022 n my year has been a big learning lesson. a lot of it, most of it, really hurt.  I chose myself a lot this year and completed my year’s resolution which is to set boundaries. I honestly dont understand why I took this long to act upon the things I want 4 myself but im not surprised. im a very stubborn person and all I do is deflect by creating a different scenario in my brain. das why ive been in this continuous cycle of getting played by the game and I jus..let it happen. I craved things that were not ready 4 me and it made me realize how I keep repeating it LMAOOO but this year I broke some serious habits and reenforced the comfortability of my space. therapy helped a lot (shout out Tina Merced, you are a very kind woman. u are one of the only people who has figured me out..) and having a positive feedback ab my decisions and how I think helps me understand myself. it felt (past tense/explain later) really good to just focus on what I plan 2 do next year. last year I just really wanted to show up 4 everyone more so I ended up acting upon emotion rather than balancing it out w/ what’s realistic. *I forgot what word 2 use in the last sentence so I went on my phone to change the song and then I remembered. I'm listening 2 defibrillator by smino* 

anyways, yeah this year I showed up for myself even if it hurt a lot to let go and I feel a lil lighter. im guilty of a lot, especially how present I am in my rlsps, and I am still for a bit more, but im doing better and those close 2 me see it. I said this all in past tense because Im a lil hurt right now, but it's just an owie. I allowed myself 2 give someone a benefit of the doubt and I feel as if they abused it a little. I know when I reread this in the future 2 reflect, I'll know exactly what im talking about. rather than feeling sad, im SO disappointed. i was feeling a lil better and I thought that would be okay, but I shouldn't disregard my accomplishments cus they're worthy of celebrating. allowing myself to forgive but just being proven right is horrible. it was a real wake up call to continue my self love journey cus I was getting some where and it was somewhere good. my best friend told me that “I know youre a good person and you do too so u dont have to give people multiple chances to prove that” and it struck hard (but 4 the better). I appreciate the transparency that I have w/ my friendships cus w/o it, I probably wouldn't b able to keep myself accountable, but I have been recently and thats why 2023 is going to be a good year. I wonder what karmic situations im going 2 be in. im not anticipating bad, but I can handle some lessons. im allowing myself 2 learn and thats my true end goal. at the end of the day, im just figuring it out. I dont think im doing that bad, but some reassurance would b amazing. I know I am worthy of everything I desire. to have, to feel, to experience. Im going 2 move forward so I can live better 4 myself. by doing that, taking this time, I can show up better. I want 2 do better, b better, all the things ive imagined myself to b. I cant believe I spent so much time settling 4 what I have cus Im constantly validated. the issues r real. I need 2 tell Tina ab this bcuz it makes so much sense. people pleasing cus nothing I ever did pleased my dad. that shit hurtsss, not gonna lie. but thats what I mean, im learning more and applying what I have 2 in my life and its working. by realizing that the pattern exists bcuz I dont rly speak or ever knew that was an issue. it hurts a bit 2 realize that someone who was a part of my life is now booted out of the next year. in pain bcuz I sat through conversations of him telling me how much he loves me, and how I cld b his polly pocket so he could take me everywhere, and how his family loves me, and all these other things and he STILL ran w/ what he wanted. honesty is the best policy and this lil set up pushed me to let go and let live. I wish I cld cry more, im purging the fuck outta this because I cannot let it repeat anymore. I also learned that some people only last so long in your life bcuz of how you coexist together. cutting ties w/ ppl you used to b family with takes a piece of you that dissipates like the rlsps thats gone. sounds dramatic, but that breakup was horrible. also, my dating life was quite the shit show. had my hinge phase, coworkers phase, toxic situation ship (two of those..at the same time but in my defense I was nvr asked 2 b a gf.), & my celibate phase. I nvr intended 2 dissect but it was rough 4 everyone I know and myself. im blessed enough 2 be surrounded by people who want whats best 4 me cus the goal is something we all agree on. 2022 you helped me show up 4 myself better. 2023 were going 2 show up better for ourselves and those around us. ive realized so much (1:11am , im sry in advance) & Ima share w/ some privacy of course. high school situationships r finally cut and I jus cant believe it but im happy 4 everyone whos living in love. realizing im the problem , speaks for itself. im officially tired. thats an update 4 ya

my fit 2day

goodnight

happy new year

[c00kiejar]

I've been thinking

I've thought about this for a good, long while, and I just need to get it out there somehow. I have a journal, but nobody I know can see that. I know it's very unlikely anyone I know will see this, much less talk to me about it, but I want it out there so anyone who asks can know. As mentioned in the tags, warning for suicide and depression.

For a good while now - like, 4+ years now - I've been fighting what I assume is depression. I'm not diagnosed or anything, so I don't claim it actually is depression, however it's at the very least very similar. This, combined with my (diagnosed this time) social anxiety has led to some fun experiences such as believing those I love hate me, never letting my guard down, the absolute worst days I could have mentally at work, and the topic of this post: suicidal thoughts.

I want to make this abundantly clear: I have absolutely no intent to kill or even harm myself as of writing this. I have bought a rope and tied it into a noose, I have access to my Dad's gun storage footlocker, and I have enough other ways to go out quickly and relatively painlessly that, should I really want to die, I could. However, I haven't done anything yet. Nothing even remotely close, in fact. Don't worry that I might, because I won't. I can't.

With that out of the way, let's discuss these thoughts. They appear whenever they please, and stay for variable amounts of time. There is no direct cause that I can discern aside from the obvious. They typically take the form of me just shutting down and being unable to do much of anything, and are basically what it says on the tin; I contemplate killing myself. I run through scenarios in which I go through with it, seeing the aftermath of my death, the ways people would react. I run through the outcomes and weigh their likelihood (highest being my whole family being devastated and furious with my parents for sitting idly while they knew this was happening). I even run through the unlikely ones such as nobody caring, or them never finding my body. I run through each one I can think of to some extent. Not all in one go, but I have thought of most outcomes by now. After that, I weigh whether it's truly worth it in the end. The answer is usually yes (I live in mental pain and watch everyone around me live in some level of mental or physical pain, I have no achievable goals or dreams, and I can hardly function as a human being are the top contributors), however there is consistently one thing that stops me: My own fear. All the reasons to die only barely outweigh the reasons to live to begin with (I estimate it being around 45% stay 55% die), however my fear of what comes next and what will happen after my death keep me in check no matter what.

It really is just another way that fear rules my life. I fear trying new things so I settle for the status quo. I fear letting people down so I belittle myself. I fear death so I live. It's all tied together by my own fear and anxiety, and it rules my life with an iron fist comparable to that of Stalin. I'll be free of it when the iron fist's wielder finally dies, and that wielder is myself. It's a cycle. I fear everything so I want death. Fear of death refuses to let me die. Repeat. It's kind of morbidly funny when you stop and think about it; The reason I want to die is the reason I live.

Beyond the suicidal thoughts, there are days when I wake up feeling fine, get out of bed and instantly lose any motivation to exist for the day. I only sometimes grab a bit to eat and then head straight back to bed. I either turn on my Switch and watch YouTube on there, or pull out my laptop for the same reason but with headphones. These days are far more common than the suicidal ones, and are what most of my days are like.

I'm no longer pessimistic, at least. I've embraced optimism and can look at the future brightly. That is, a future where I don't factor in myself. I never include myself because I can never be certain whether tomorrow will be the day I finally crack and kill myself. It could be today, could be tomorrow, could even be 16 years from now. All I know is that I never include myself in any future I think up because I don't know when I'll finally do it.

That's not to say that I plan on doing it, however. I fully plan on having my ways out should it ever come to that, but do not plan on ever using those ways out. I never will do it unless the senate inside my head gains a larger majority in favor of death.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't want to stay alive, but I'll also be the first to tell you that I can't bring myself to kill myself.

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling and bringing everyone down with me. I hope everyone can forget about this post and enjoy their days as if it was never there. Thank you.

[sevinchashirova]

Finding Meaning (by Sevinch Ashirova)

I had a chat with a couple of colleagues about our jobs. I wasn’t surprised when we shared the same sentiment about life and work: the things we do daily don’t give us joy.

I felt relieved when I learned that my colleagues don’t find their jobs meaningful. I am not the only one. That was my first reaction. The longer I pursue my career, the more I feel it’s just a job. Whenever I moved to a new company, initially, it was always exciting and fun. But it’ll be just another job over time.

I am grateful to be where I am now; this was my dream. But this routine became mundane. Life became stressful. And I started to question myself, is this how it will be until I retire?

The golden handcuffs

Every day I wake up, shower (or not), work for 8 hours, and repeat. When I think about my job, I can only think about how bleak my life is. It’s monotonous.

But if I zoom out and look at it holistically, my job gave me more than that. I got paid to do the job that I (used to) enjoy doing, am entitled to bonuses and paid time off, and the job provides stability.

And these days, having a stable job is a privilege. So what am I still complaining about?

My colleague told me what I feel is called “the golden handcuffs”. I am trapped in a luxurious castle called a company. I don’t hate to be here, because being here keeps me alive. But it’s suffocating, because being here doesn’t bring me joy.

I believe a lot of us feel the same thing. Even though we are free to leave, we feel trapped. The door is open, but we can’t leave.

These are the golden handcuffs.

Finding meaning

I have always done my best and worked hard. After all, everyone says that is the key to happiness. That’s what all the books say. So I worked hard. I gave it all until I could be where I wanted to be. My dreams and goals became my fuel.

And initially, it was great to be there. It was new, I was living my dream, and sometimes I couldn’t believe I was there. I was happy.

But the feeling wore off after a few years. Work became a chore, and life became more and more stressful. If you work too hard, you’ll get sick and burned out. If you slack around too much, you’ll get fired. Then what the f#ck am I supposed to do at work?

Once you arrive at your destination, it will not be as peaceful as you thought. Or it might be until it isn’t anymore. Then you’ll look for something else.

That’s how I realised that working hard and chasing dreams won’t bring me happiness anymore. Ultimately, the journey to find a meaningful life is more meaningful than the destination itself.

Different meaning

To live a meaningful life is to seek something you believe would make you happier. To live a life that brings you joy. To wake up with excitement and enthusiasm.

For some, it’s to achieve their goals and dreams. It’s a destination that they want to go to — the place they want to be. In the beginning, this is what most people want: fulfilling their dreams.

But a meaningful life can be more loosely defined.

You might find meaning in growth. You may or may not need a goal as the destination. But the sole purpose is to experience growth–to experience life. Once you reach your destination, you’ll search for other things. Because what brings you joy and excitement is the challenge of a new journey.

In other stages of life, meaning can be stability and comfort. Not everyone pushes for growth and changes in their lives. And some people might be happy when they have just enough. So they seek comfort. It’s a realistic point of view. We seek to live comfortably, build a family, settle down, and grow old.

A meaningful life differs for each person. It depends on our situation, stages of life, age, and passion. I can list down a hundred things that define a meaningful life, and you may not find it significant because it can be anything.

In the end, you are the one who knows what’s meaningful to you.

I used to dream of being where I am today.

But now that I’m here, I can’t find meaning in what I do.

As I grew and learned about myself, I started to see life differently.

To me now, it’s no longer about the destination.

It’s about why I am going there.

And here’s a question:

What’s your definition of a meaningful life?

I hope you find this post inspiring.

And whenever life feels too much, remember:

It’s not going to be easy,But it’s not impossible.

[iwasyouonce]

how do people do this "studying" and "preparing for exams" and "going to university soon" shit because i am THIS close to calling it quits and just idk wAstiNG away because I am not THRIVING as I should.

Why is thriving a privilege...I don't want to settle for just getting by and living day by day. I want to enjoy life, I want to be happy, I want to explore and learn and have fun. Why is it that once I became sentient the life grind started?!?!?

I was a kid but I was studying to get into the next grade. Rinse repeat for all your childhood years and then extra pressure to go to uni. Uni is studying so you can graduate with a degree. Then you (hopefully) use the degree to go find a job. Then you do the job till you have enough money (hopefully) and then retire. Then only when you retire you have time to sit around. But by that time you're prob old and frail and too sick and tired of life because your youthful desires and dreams were extinguished long ago.

seriously like fuck all of this. life is hard for people in general (except the rich and mega rich lets be honest) i have a literal disability and normal life is so much harder in general. the "light at the end of the tunnel" feels like it is said by people who made it to the end of the tunnel because they have support systems (family, money, opportunities, status) that sustained them through the tunnel to get to the end.

bro i am so tired, i don't want to walk through the tunnel. why is it a tunnel. some people are walking through the tunnel and some people have cars to get through it. like not everyone starts out at equal places, and "working harder" or "have a better mentality" won't cut it anymore.

It feels that my only goal in life is to earn money so I can live. "But life isn't just money" uhhh no shit it's not, but it IS all about money when you don't have any money anymore. And so much is dependent on you having a stable job/income. Like actually what-

Happiness shouldn't be a privilege.

[mcbex]

**Who's yoke?**

Oh Rest, how I loathe you!

Last week started off with conflict. First world problems really. I've been eating a steady diet of Mom-Employee-Wife, squeeze in a little marathon training rinse and repeat. The whole thing came to a head last week when the battle became Family time VS Training time. I chose family time of course and put the training on hold until later in the day. But when you try to put 10 pounds of life into a 5 pound bag it's bound to explode on you, even if it's just a little. After all I can't be all the things I want to be or sometimes even need to be all the time.

Here's where last weeks story begins, with me crying in my car because I'd come to the end of what I could physically do. Knowing I needed more training but having nothing left give for myself. Unless you count absolute exhaustion. After several minutes of self destruction I gathered my thoughts and came to my senses... this race is not tomorrow and today (that day) I needed rest. Piles of it. I decided I would take the week off to regroup. I cleared my schedule, my brain and my life. Training plans be damned the only thing I obviously needed was an extreme pause.

I came home directly but Sunday afternoon was hard as I grappled with the idea that regardless what happened I would take the full week to decompress. Monday came and I can tell you I had to be intentional leaving the house with only lunch and a book. I was unsure. Taking intermission is not my strong suit. However settling in I found the pressure was melting away and all I really needed was to take more time.

Still Tuesday I had to take a deep breath. I packed my lunch, a book and left behind the sneakers that would help me drive back the feelings of slacking. I was successfully able to stay conscious in my choice to maintain this new goal, this strange goal of rest.

I came home Tuesday night to kids who had curiously cleaned the kitchen, started dinner and were now encouraging me back into the training program I felt I needed to ignore. My son ever so sweetly nudging me..."Mom, we've got this, go train". I listened to my boy and went for it. Feeling better and supported I had a new mind set to consider.

I spent the rest of the week thinking about resting and pressure and correlating that with what goes on inside my head. Physically and mentally I can make myself sick at times. How I react with the world in regard to these factors makes a difference in how I present myself. If I want to be a good Wife/Mom/Employee/Friend and have time for myself the right parts of me need to show up. I can't do that with out rest. Unfortunately. I kept circling back to God. His words were like a blinking street light reminding me to rest in him. His yoke, his plans, his strength. He asks us to seek refuge in him. He tells us that he may not fix it but he will see us throughout if we keep our heads and have faith in him. Sometimes just taking a deep inhale and telling him I need his help is enough of a release to help me keep my demeanor.

So after a long week of avoiding the rest I desperately knew I needed I found myself unlikely in my favorite seat on the planet.... at church. Walking in I was alone, no kids, no friends. Feeling awkward in my clothes I was lightly estrange because I hadn't been there in weeks. I let the feelings come and prayed. I'm sure you know the feeling of being out of place. I thought for a moment I should have used my time more wisely(but what is better than time in worship?). As we stood to sing and welcome in the message of the day all of it melted away. I found the rest in the Lord I had looked for all week. Rest time he offered me and showed me how to get throughout the week. It wasn't that I couldn't do all the things I wanted and needed to do. I just need clear expectations.

Have you met the extremes of yourself? The point where you come to end of what you have to give and no longer have to choose Christ because he is your only hope. Although I did not give myself the time I vowed I need, I found the mind set. I let the extreme of it wash over like a wave. I gave myself the permission I would have given anyone else. Authority to take it at my own speed, not my own perceived speed. In this process I found support from family, friends and most importantly I found Christ at the front of my ship steering me into the wave as it rushed in.

Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God,

Matthew 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Exodus 33:14 The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

[yandere-sins]

Hiii, it's my first time here !! I wonder if you could ask my question, if possible of course of Yandere Geralt of Rivia...

Imagine a scenario where the reader is from our world and went to Geralt's world, then the reader find him at him and tells his story and asks for help to return to his home... Of course, as time goes by, Geralt becomes "sick with love " for the reader to the point of becoming Yandere.

Note: the reader sees Geralt as best friend or older brother.

Thanks for your request ♥

»»———————— ♡ ————————««     

You were simply relieved you weren’t alone. 

There were a lot of terrible things that could happen to you, reaching from being mauled by a monster to cut down by a sword, and so, so many gruesome things more. Whatever Geralt saw in you, you were glad it didn’t make him leave you alone to your misery, no matter how strange you were.

Truthfully, you weren’t even a good choice as a squire, but aside from grumbling about your unhelpfulness when it came to battle, Geralt hadn’t driven you away. Despite being rough around the edges, he truly was the hero you needed in your predicament, and for that, you were thankful. 

Whatever you could do, you did, may it be fetching water or helping set up a tent. While the life of a traveling witcher was nothing you wished to pursue forever, you put up with everything you could so that you wouldn’t end up on your own again. The first week spent stumbling through the wild and running from monsters had been enough bad experience in this world for you. Now, your mind was only on one thing: Getting home.

It probably was a luxury to have Geralt’s help in not dying and achieving your goal, but all the more, you were relieved that whatever power made you fall into this strange world had enough mercy to send you this angel of a man. No matter how many dirty, uncomfortable looks you got for being with him whenever you two came into a town, you would endure them, knowing Geralt was the key to make this situation just a memory and send you back home to your family.

Home. It sounded heavenly. 

You sighed deeply, slowly awaking from your slumber. It couldn’t have been long that you fell asleep, the campfire still burning lively next to you. You still felt tired, but something was different than usual. Heavy even.

Pulling down the blanket you had wrapped yourself with, you saw the big arm laying around you, making you realized the heat of a second body in your back. Geralt never slept closer than necessary to you, but without the need to guess, he was definitely sleeping right beside you, spooning you from behind. 

With a flushing heat rising to your face, you were too embarrassed to say anything, even though his arm alone was too heavy to fall asleep with again. He might have accidentally fallen asleep next to you after having some drinks before bed and mistaken you for someone to cuddle up to. But waking him wasn’t an option. Geralt struggled with his sleep enough as it is; you wouldn’t dare to interrupt him and cause a scene. But the reality was very different from what you assumed. 

You heard him take a deep breath as he buried his face into the nape of your neck, not shy to pull away the fabric covering you and pushing his face into your skin. As you listened to him mutter your name, you felt a cold shudder run down your spine, but you tried not to make him notice you were awake. “[Name], [Name], [Name]...” he mumbled, and you bit your lip. The way he said your name always made it sound reproachful, despite you not remembering what you did wrong that day. 

“Look at you, letting your guard down. Don’t you know that I...”

His voice trailed off as you felt him shift suddenly. You reacted quickly, pretending to be fast asleep with your eyes closed and lips slightly parted innocently. Geralt let out a small chuckle before you felt him reach over you, dragging his thumb over your lip. “What are you dreaming about? Your heart is racing.”

Realizing you forgot the first thing about Witcher - their heightened senses - you didn’t know how to help yourself other than stirring a little in your sleep, putting on a frown. Sure enough, that made him halt in his tracks and back away a little, as if he feared you waking up. Only when you settled down again did Geralt relax as well, returning to his spooning position. 

“Seriously...” he kept muttering. “How am I supposed to go on like this? Every time we meet a Sorceress, I am afraid she will have a way to send you home.”

Something about his words gave you a sad impression. Almost as if parting would hurt him, but you weren’t sure if this was just your impression or if the tiny bit of his past that he told you about actually gave him this fear. In your eyes, Geralt was fearless and kept his composure no matter what, but what if you had misjudged him?

“I’d like to keep you all to myself. Lock you up and never let you go. Maybe when we get to Kaer Morhen, I could--”

This time, his voice halted suddenly, and he rose again from behind you. “Are you awake?” he asked, quiet still as if he was hoping you were asleep after all. You simply remained in your pretend sleep, taking an audible breather and hoping it would fool him. He remained in this careful stiffness for a while before he finally drew back. Immediately, you were surrounded by the chilly air of the night as his body disappeared, but before you dared to attempt to move around, you heard more of his mumbles.

“No, I can’t. I shouldn’t... It’s not right...”

What couldn’t he do?

You were ready to blame all the gibberish you had just heard on the mead you two had before bed, but the questions didn’t seem to stop circling your mind. Geralt seemed to fall asleep somewhere a bit further away, while you felt wide awake now. You couldn’t believe that Geralt - of all people! - could have developed any kind of feelings for you. But why else would he be worried about your return? Why would he say those things about locking you up?

Way too freaked out, you tried to make sense of what you had witnessed. Certainly, he didn’t want you to be awake as it went down, but now that you knew, you were left conflicted. Part of you kept getting goosebumps as you remembered the feeling of his face pressed into your shoulder and his words echoing in your ear. The other part tried to justify it with any and all reasons like the alcohol, loneliness maybe. There was no sleep for you after all, and Geralt kept stealing irritated glances at you the following day until he finally asked, “Are you okay?” 

You flinched after being suddenly addressed, not even your exhaustion able to tear you out of your thoughts that still pondered about the last night. “Oh, yeah! I’m fine,” you tried to assure him, and he contemplated your response for a bit before replying, “There’s this place we should go to next. Maybe we can find some books on portals there.”

“Sounds good,” you chuckled. Nervosity spread inside of you as you hoped he didn’t mean the place that he was talking about last night. 

“I grew up there. You might even be able to sleep in a bed for a change. Kaer Morhen is also safe and...”

After that part, your mind simply shut off as the word kept repeating over and over in your head. Kaer Morhen. Kaer Morhen. Kaer Morhen. Kaer Morhen.

Kaer Morhen, lock up, never let go.

“...and it isn’t far from here,” he finished his explanation, looking at you as he waited for an answer while you could feel the horror showing in your expression. The red flags were so abundantly clear by now, but you absolutely refused to think this way about him. He wasn’t a bad man, he would never... or?

There were a lot of terrible things that could have happened to you on this journey, but you had put all your trust into Geralt to keep you safe. To help you. To be a companion so you wouldn’t be lonely. And until the end, you hoped Geralt wouldn’t turn out to be the monster or the sword you feared so much.

But who could tell what he’d do when he finally had a taste of living out the things he desired?