#my ear infection keeps me from sitting up straight but you know if i could i would be reading and comparing so many comics right now | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hyuuukais · 5 months ago

Text

⋆₊‧⁺˖⋆˚.⋆ ͙͘͡★ LOOK UP TO THE STARS

pairing ▪︎ han jisung x fem reader

synopsis ▪︎ sent out on a mission to a neighbouring QZ that's gone radio silent, y/n falls into the hands of a post-rebellion group after things go terribly wrong. giving up on rejoining her squad, she joins the group on a trek to find a missing member, the group leader's sister. what's supposed to be a not-so-simple trip out and back to their base becomes a one-way ticket to the end of everything they know.

warnings ▪︎ general, mention of feeling like a burden (not yn), vomiting (not in detail)

MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

CHAPTER THREE ▪︎ A QUIET NIGHT IN (6.2k)

Near-death experiences appear to have become your thing, having had another near miss when you're suddenly attacked in a wooded area by a small group of infected. At least that time you were able to save yourself, proving you can get out of a sticky situation if needed. Han has teased you relentlessly, only stopping when Chan tells him off. Even with Hyunjin he picks on you, but you give it to him as well.

By midday, everyone is tired, wordlessly begging Chan to let them take a rest. There's a long, hidden driveway creeping up a small hill that you spot up ahead. The surrounding area is quiet enough you should be able to hike up and take a break inside whatever building awaits.

"Hey." You jog up to Chan. "Up there. The houses around here are super spaced apart, so why not hole up in one for an hour or so? We can take out any infected and take turns keeping a lookout."

Chan eyes you, then swings around to face the others with a nod. "Everyone! We're gonna head up here, yeah? Take a look around for any infected and settle down for a while. I want to keep going before the sun goes down though, so do what you need to do in the time you have."

"Race you up there." A voice whispers into your ear; Han.

And so you run, and run, and run, side by side until you finally surpass him. Your laughter fills the air as you smack your hand on the door of the small house atop the hill, breathing heavily as you stumble inside. A pair of hands grab you from behind by the waist, lifting you off the ground and making you laugh even more.

"Let me go!" You manage to cough out between giggles and deep inhales. "Hyun-"

But it's not Hyunjin; it's Han.

"You can't do that," You blush, pushing him away. "Don't do that."

"Don't do what?" He smirks as he walks past you, peeking down the hallway to the right. "Make you laugh?"

"Be... intimate," You scold, following him down the hall.

There's a small set of stairs leading to three bedrooms, a bathroom, and an open closet at the end of the hallway. You step into the last bedroom, right before the closet. Clearly, it used to be a little girl's room, the name 'Hanni' painted in big yellow letters above a bed littered with worn plushies. You pick up the one closest to you, a floppy monkey missing an eye, and stare down at the photo on the nightstand. In the photo are two adults lifting a young girl up between them, undeniably happy. A heavy weight sits on your chest, and you find it hard to look away.

When you do finally tear your eyes off of the photo and go to leave the room, Han is leaning in the doorway. His breath catches when you find him staring at you, standing up straight and shoving his hands in his pockets. Blinking back unshed tears, ones you didn't realize even formed, you sit on the girl's bed. You don't invite him to sit with you, but he comes over anyway. The bed dips with his weight next to you.

"Remind you of your family?" He asks, voice softer than you thought it could be.

"No," You sniff. "No, it doesn't. I barely remember my family."

"Me too," Han says, genuine. "But Chan and the others have been my family for as long as it matters." He tries to meet your eyes, but they're glued to the monkey in your lap. "They could be yours too... if you let them."

"I don't think so." You shake your head. "Seungmin fits in fine here, but me?" Now you meet his eyes, placing the monkey aside. "Part of me thinks I'm better off alone. Yes, I have Hyunjin, and what we have is fun... but I know if it came down to it he wouldn't pick me over any of you."

Han just nods. "I feel that way too sometimes- about myself, not you. And we all know Hyunjin thinks Chan only values him for being a skilled fighter. Jeongin is constantly thinking he's not doing a good enough job because of his limited medical practice, yet being the designated doctor. We all have something."

"Why are you being so nice right now?" You sit further back on the bed, legs stretched out in front of you. "I thought you'd agree and say I should leave or something."

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate you." Han follows your actions, sitting back next to you. "It's fun to press your buttons."

"Oh, screw you." Laughing, you toss the discarded monkey at Han's chest.

He grabs the toy as you hit him with it, hands overlapping. For a moment, your heart speeds up, stuck on him. Your hand falls away when someone starts calling your names through the house, shuffling off the bed to join the others. Ignoring the way your heart is still pounding and the way your palms sweat, you greet Hyunjin with a peck on the cheek. He smiles down at you, replying with one on your temple. Soon after, Han emerges into the main room you're all standing in.

It's small, the living space, with a half-wall separating the kitchen ahead. To the left is a dining room with a long oval table, chairs knocked over, with table cloths and placemats moth-eaten. Remnants of a broken vase are scattered overtop, but plates set for dinner intact. You wonder what the family who lived here was like; were they about to sit and eat when the outbreak happened?

"We'll stay here for an hour or so," Chan announces. "I'm going to take a look around the perimeter, any volunteers wanna come with?"

You raise your hand.

"Alright. Y/n and I will go while the rest of you check the house and make sure it's safe. If anything goes wrong, you shout for us." His hands brush over his sheathed weapons. "We'll try and be quick. If we aren't back before the hour is up, assume we're dead and move on."

"Cheery," You whisper to Hyunjin, wrapping your arms around his neck.

"As always," He sighs, pressing his lips onto yours for what could be the last time.

Sticks and leaves crunch underfoot, no clear path to walk on. Chan walks slightly ahead of you with a hand on his gun, pausing to carefully mark trees with orange tape.

"Why the tape?" You asked before when he said he needed to grab something from his bag first.

"Knowing our group, someone'll wander off. This is so they know they've gone a bit too far and should probably head back," he said. "We might end up staying the night."

"How come?" You asked.

"To rest up fully," he said, only partially truthful.

There was more to it, something troubling him or one of the others who regularly confide in him. Something you weren't in on. Moments like that is what made you feel misplaced, like you weren't supposed to be apart of this journey. You should have left when you had the chance. Leaving now would be unfair to the group and you knew that; no matter how you felt, you needed to help them get to Chan's sister as much as you can.

"When'd you and Han meet?" You try to make conversation. "He said some stuff that made it seem you've known each other a long time."

An absent smile graces his features. "Ah, say ten years ago? He was a scared, angry little kid with a sharp eye. Still don't know where he learned to shoot so well at such a young age."

He stops to mark another tree, giving you take a second to look around. You're not too deep into the woodsy area, still able to make out the shape of the house if you squint hard enough, and you've made it almost all the way back around. There's been no sign of people or infected alike, birds chirping and squirrels chattering being the only noises. The sun has already started to set, golden beams hitting your bodies through the branches and creating a halo on Chan's head.

Hyunjin greets you at the door when you return, having offered to take first watch while the others take a break. Chaeryeong is out on the back porch occasionally strolling into view through the glass double doors leading to the wide backyard. Taking a seat next to Jeongin on the old, holey couch, you close your eyes with a sigh. No one bothers the two of you until Felix comes by with plates of previously canned food he made while you were on the verge of passing out. You take it gratefully, inhaling it rather than eating it.

In the corner of your eye, Jeongin rubs his leg around his right knee and calf, eyes shut in concentration. When he stands to head outside for some air, you notice the slight limp he walks with. It's barely noticeable, each step intentional. You don't ask about it when he comes back inside and sits back down, leg outstretched.

"Heading to bed yet?" Han swings his gun down onto his lap as he sits on the armchair to your left.

"Soon," You yawn, opening your eyes with difficulty. "I have to switch out with Chan in a couple of hours."

Before Han can reply, Hyunjin sits next to you on the arm of the couch and places a soft kiss on your forehead. You can practically feel Han rolling his eyes, getting up and walking away irritated. Why is he always like this? The moment you and Hyunjin do anything, he's annoyed.

"Is he like, jealous or something?" You sit up, arms crossed as you watch him slide the double doors open and step out, immediately striking up a conversation with Felix.

"Probably, but that's not our problem." Hyunjin slides into the spot between you and the arm, effectively squishing you.

You sigh. "Have you guys ever gotten along?"

"What? We get along fine," Hyunjin looks at you confused.

"Could have fooled me." Hyunjin opens his mouth, but you cut him off before he can start. "I'm gonna get some sleep before my shift, okay? See you later."

With a quick peck on his lips, you leave Hyunjin alone. The last thing you need right now is a deep-dive into Han and Hyunjins friendship, tired enough to sleep for a few years at least. Your brain is mush, not unlike a zombie's you imagine, unable to think full sentences anymore until after you've taken a chance to rest.

By this point in the day, everyone can tell you aren't leaving until early morning if you can help it. The sun has descended almost fully, leaving the world in hues of blue as night takes over. Other than you, Jeongin is the only one who hasn't taken a shift to watch yet. You figure he'll be paired with you, him switching off with Felix when you wake up. Drifting to sleep is easier than you thought it would be, brain turning off and leading you into a dreamless rest. When you do wake, there's a slight ache in your leg, but you ignore it as you rub the sleep out of your eyes and head to the front door where Chan should be.

"Listen, I don't want you getting hurt," Chan's voice is low, easily heard from where you stand by the open door. He hasn't noticed you there yet. "Let us take watch and go back inside, okay? I saw the way you were earlier, I know it's bothering you."

"I can deal." Jeongin sounds frustrated. "I don't want to be a burden-"

"Hey," Chan cuts him off sharply. "Don't ever think you're a burden. Never. Because you're not, you just need some extra rest, yeah? Bad days happen."

"Fine," Jeongin sighs and you open the door, pretending you heard nothing.

"Chan, you heading in?" You ask.

He nods. "Jeongin's feeling a bit under the weather, so Felix is gonna keep watch of the back a little longer until Chaeryeong is awake."

"Sounds good," you force a smile. You want to know what's wrong, but you don't want to press either. "Sleep well guys. The bed at the end of the hall has some plushies that are comfortable to lay your head on if you want."

Late in the night, you hear a distant cry. Instantly your gun is in your hand, knife in the other as you gaze out into the trees and down the hidden driveway. Although it sounded fairly animalistic, you know by now you can't take the chance of ignoring it. The sounds of the infected wandering the world varied from almost human, to sounds you can't compare to anything but the stuff of nightmares. When you hear the cry again, louder this time, you jog down the steps of the front stone porch and around the back, whispering to Felix. Chaeryeong is still asleep, but should be waking up soon to switch out.

You find Felix on the other side of the yard, weapon drawn and focused on the surrounding woods. Did he hear the same sounds as you, or did he hear something else back here? Hoping it's the former, you approach him quietly, careful not to scare him by accident. He must have seen you coming, holding up a hand behind his back to signal you to stop, and you do, bringing you own weapons up. The cry is louder again, but ever so slightly different than the one you heard.

"Lix, I think we need to get inside," You whisper, inching closer. "I heard something in the front too."

"If it's only two, we can take them out," He whispers back. "Any sign of more and I'll head in. You should probably go back to the front."

Frustrated with his answer, you obey and go back to your position. You're about to walk down the driveway when you see them; easily thirty infected beings are headed your way, but have yet to spot you. With a hand over your mouth, you crouch down by the wall of the house, moving as fast as you can to where you left Felix alone. As you turn the corner, you can see him backing away in the same crouched position as you. When he starts moving back to the house, you make eye contact and he makes a gesture with his hand to get back inside. Like you were going to do anything else.

Once inside, he breathes deeply as if he'd been holding his breath and you do the same. Outside, zombies are starting to emerge from the trees and wander across the yard. There's too many of them to be able to leave the area safely, opting to find everyone in the house and let them know the situation. Felix leaves to report to Chan, knowing he'll likely be with Jeongin and Han, and you go to find Chaeryeong sleeping on the same kids bed you did, waking her with a small shake and telling her to get to the others in the main room. Next is Hyunjin, but you see him exiting another bedroom with Chan, Jeongin, and Felix.

"Where's Han?" You make sure to keep your voice low. "Wasn't he with you guys?"

Chan shakes his head, jaw clenching. "Nope, he's the only one unaccounted for." He ushers everyone further into the house and down the hallway, stopping in front of the first bedroom on the left. "Everyone stay in here. Use the furniture to block the door in case some stragglers get inside and cover up the window. Stay low and out of sight, stay quiet, and most importantly, stay together, okay?"

"You're making this sound like you're not coming," Chaeryeong points out.

"Because I'm not, and before you can protest," he holds up a hand. "Jisung is family to me. I need to make sure he's safe."

"He's family to all of us," Hyunjin steps in. "And so are you."

With a sigh, Chan looks down. "I know."

"Let me go," You say, maybe a bit too loud.

Seungmin's head pops up sharply. "Absolutely not."

"If anything happens to me, it won't be nearly as devastating as it would be with Chan or Han," you look away from the others, losing courage just a bit from their stares. "I'm quick and I'm quiet when I need to be and will be in and out like that. He can't have gone too far anyway."

"Y/n, you can't seriously-" Hyunjin starts, but is cut off by Chan holding up a hand again.

"She has a point."

The others avoid your eyes now, nonverbally agreeing that you should be the potential sacrifice. Really nice to have that confirmed. Without another word, you leave the group, about to leave out the back doors when someone grabs your wrist.

"See you later?"

You give Seungmin a sad smile, knowing later isn't likely. "See you later."

A chill runs down your spine, from the cold or the sheer amount of infected, you don't know. From what you learned in your time at the QZ, the undead don't see as well at night and you need to use that to your advantage, whether it's true or not. Everything you've learned has become questioned knowledge; were they feeding you lies, always planning on sending you out to die? Or did any of the information you learned mean something?

Belly to the grass, you shuffle forward on your forearms in the direction Felix mentioned before you left the building. Of course, out of all people you were risking your life for it had to be Han Jisung. Not Hyunjin, not Seungmin, not even Chan? Han? Really? When you find him and are back safely, you are gonna rip him a new one for being so careless. What happened to the buddy system? Too good for him, apparently, too confident in his abilities.

Up ahead, you spot his gun lying among the sticks and leaves by a tree and your heart drops. Closer, you can see claw marks a couple feet up the tree trunk, a ripped piece of clothing hanging from a branch further up. Half of it is painted red, soaked in blood, and breathing is suddenly difficult. You're about to stand up carefully, a plan to climb the tree, but the minute you're in a crouched position an infected walks right by you. You stay still, letting it pass. Thinking you're in the clear, you look back at it only to find it staring at you and now you do stop breathing. It's head tilts, observing, but doesn't move. After what feels like years, it turns back around and continues on it's way.

Releasing a deep breath, you make your way up the tree slowly. Thankfully the branches get stronger the higher you go, and you're more confident the infected won't hear you climb faster.

"Y/n? What the fuck?" You nearly fall off your branch at the sound of Han's voice. "What are you doing out here?"

Securing yourself on the same thick branch he sits on, you look at him with wide eyes. "I could ask you the same thing!"

You shift around, now straddling the branch.

"I had to take a bathroom break, is that so bad?" He huffs.

"Yeah, it is. At least, when you don't tell anyone or take anyone with you and make everyone worried because a giant horde of zombies came out of nowhere!" You whisper shout at him, furious. "Chan was gonna come out here looking for you."

"Why didn't he?" Han's eyebrows furrow.

"Didn't think it was worth the trip," You frown when he gives you a dejected look. "Kidding. I volunteered since he's too important to the group."

"Again with the self-sacrificial shit." He rolls his eyes. "I can tell you now the horde is starting to thin. I'm not seeing nearly as many as I did running up this tree like a squirrel."

You snort. "You know, you kinda look like a squirrel."

"Felix says the same thing," Han shrugs. "We should be able to sneak back soonish."

You remember the cloth hanging from a lower branch. "Did you get bitten?"

"No," He shakes his head. "Just a scratch."

Lifting his leg over the branch, you can see the rip in the thigh of his cargo pants and the cut underneath.

"It looks worse than it is."

"Doesn't look bad to me." You lean back against the trunk as he swings his leg back over, taking the same straddling position as you. "Just a scratch really."

"Okay Miss Leg-That-Got-Crushed." He rolls his eyes again, and you seriously consider pushing him off your shared branch.

Looking down, you can barely see the ground below and wonder how Han can be so sure the zombies are leaving the area so soon. It's been what, an hour? Taking a chance, hoping he's not wrong, you begin your descent. You're careful and slow as you go down, teeth grinding together when a boot makes contact with your fingers at one point. You use your other hand to punch Han's ankle until his foot finally moves.

Once you hit the ground, you're immediately on your belly again and taking in your surroundings. Han is next to you in the same position, but after a few minutes you get up into a crouch, no sight of infected in your vision.

"Huh," You whisper. "Where'd they all go?"

Your question is answered as soon as you break through the trees. There's a smaller crowd of infected fighting their way into the house, clawing at the back doors with fervor. You stop walking, grabbing Han's arm as he readies his gun.

"No, stop it." You examine the group. "Gunshots will alert others in the area if they haven't already. Take this." You hand him a knife. "We need to be smart about this or neither of us will live to see the sunrise."

Taking your knife in his hand, he nods and follows your lead as you circle around to the back of the group and whistle once, twice, until you've got the attention of a few in the back. The night gives you the advantage of misleading them, whistling the few that notice you away. They stumble down the steps of the porch, hands clawing the air in search of you. You whistle again. Two break off from the group, about five, and you signal to Han to go left. You watch him sneak up from the back, and you do the same to the one on the right. Quick and quiet, you take them out with a knife to the back of the neck.

The bodies fall silently, using your own body to help bring them down. The other three are nearing the tree line, which you could leave them to wander away, but you know they'll just come back if you mess this up. With a knife in each hand, you get close enough to throw them expertly into the skulls of the two closest to you. You're about to take out the last one, but something flies past your head, nailing it in the middle of the forehead, body falling limp. You look back to see Han bringing down a slingshot with a smirk on his face.

You retrieve your knives from the fallen bodies and rejoin Han, whistling again. This time, more detach from the others, a group of about eight.

"Shit," Han whispers beside you. "That's... a lot at once."

"I have three knives to throw and another I can keep on me, how much ammo do you have?"

He pats a small pouch tied to a belt loop. "Enough. I refilled this thing before we left and have only used it once."

You nod and wait until the group has broken up, one straying away from the groups of three and four. "Which group do you want?"

"Four."

"You only want four to prove something," You say, eyeing him. "Don't lose something instead."

Before he can respond, you're off to where the group of three has wandered to the left side of the house. Three knives, three chances. The first is a success, the second landing too low into the back and you curse yourself, throwing the last into its skull as it turns around. The third spots you, having gotten a little too close for the night to cover you. A low growl leaves its mouth and it stalks toward you.

"Now or never," You say to yourself, ready to dodge an attack.

Something grabs you from behind; the straggler. How do you keep getting yourself in these situations? Good fucking job.

Hooking a leg behind the straggler, you're able to send the two of you backward, hitting the ground hard enough that it lets go of you. Sharp nails pierce your skin as you roll away, drawing blood when you rip your arm out of its hold. Dirt comes up as it digs its hands into the earth, crawling toward you. With a hard kick to the head, it stops moving long enough for you to have time to stick a knife under its chin and through the mouth, blood pouring down your hand. You can hear the other coming for you, standing up with a death grip on your knife. It makes a move to grab you, but you successfully dodge, landing a slash to its arm. Dark blood seeps through the fabric of the flannel it wears, the arm rendered useless from the depth of your attack.

"C'mon Y/n, just one more." You run at it, jumping on its back and yanking the head back by the hair, slashing its neck all in one swift movement.

When you get off the body, you see Han moving toward the porch steps and your eyes go wide. Is he seriously going to take the rest on himself? There are about six left and you can see the four already did some damage, red streaks running down the side of his face from his hairline, and the slight limp worse.

"Dammit, Han."

It doesn't take much for the infected to notice Han when he first steps up, the wood underneath breaking under his weight with a loud crunch. With the sun starting to rise, they spot him almost immediately. Why isn't he moving? Then you notice- his foot is stuck. Oh, you are so going to tease him for this later. That is, if there is a later.

Jumping over the edge of the porch fence, you whistle again and gain the attention of three of the infected, the other three descending on Han. Dodging left and right, scratches here and there, you get to the top of the steps where the infected are almost on him. He has his slingshot out, but slips backward, still trying to free his foot, and lands on his back, weapon flying out of his grip. Your knife pierces the back of the closest one's neck, yanking the body back so it doesn't fall and knock the others onto the man you're trying to save.

"Look, I'm saving your life for once!" You shout over the infecteds gargling and crying.

"Shut it!" is the only response you get.

The next one slips down a step, sending the one closest to Han directly on top of him. It's about to take a bite, but Han is quicker, grabbing its head, and snapping its neck. You're about to send your knife through the hundredth skull of the night, but a force knocks you into the fence. You almost forgot about the others. As you hit the wood, your breath is knocked out of you, and your knife, out of your hand.

The infected that pushed you cages you against the fence and you think back to the bridge. If you try and pull the same stunt, at least you won't fall as far. But this one seems to be smarter, faster, not taking the time to scream at you, but instead dives into your neck. There's barely any time to process, sticking your arm in between your bodies right before contact. Saliva drips onto your skin, running down your shirt. It pushes forward, desperate for a bite of sweet flesh.

"Han!" You shout; you need to know he'd at least make it out.

"Right here!" His voice is oddly close. "Hold on just a bit longer!"

This is it, you think as its mouth gets closer and closer to your neck, I'm gonna die. In front of Han Jisung.

Fighting back tears, your arm shakes under the weight of its strength, begging you to give up. In this world, it's inevitable, no? Why not let it take you out sooner than later?

"By the way," Han grabs the infected from behind. "You're not allowed to die."

He makes eye contact with you as he snaps its neck, your chest heaving. You stare at him with wide eyes, taking in the amount of blood on his body, not that you look any better. The way he looks at you, his own chest rising and falling in the same quick manner, makes you squirm.

A door slides away, and Chan steps out of the house. You don't have to look at him to know he's angry, pushing Han by the chest to look at him.

"Where were you? Explain yourself, now."

"Nature called at a bad time?" Han tries to joke, but his half-smile falters under Chan's gaze. "I'm sorry, I really didn't think I'd be out so long."

"God, at least tell someone where you're going next time!" Chan brings him into a crushing hug. "We thought you were dead."

"Me? Dead?" He breaks the hug, face tinged red. Although, that could honestly just be more blood. No, it's definitely a blush. Hard to tell. "Please."

Chan finally looks at you, jaw clenching at your state. You must look a lot worse than you feel with a stare like that. What you don't expect is Chan to approach you, to give you the same tight hug as he did Han. You don't hug back at first, too stunned by the sudden physical contact, but as he starts to pull back, your arms wrap around his back.

"You smell bad."

"We all smell bad," You laugh.

You hold on longer than you mean to, not realizing just how much you miss physical affection. Thinking back to sharing beds with Yeji and Yuna, teasing Minho and him holding you at night to keep you warm before you got to the QZ; it's hard to stay together in front of Chan, and you think that's why he lets you be the one to break the hug. Now you have Hyunjin, but it isn't the same.

"I needed that," You say low, looking down at your feet.

"C'mon," He puts a hand on your shoulder, leading you to the door. "Let's get back inside. Sun's almost up, gotta head out soon."

Giving him a tight smile, you head to the small bedroom to grab your bag where you left it on the bed. As you turn to leave the room, you spot the stuffed monkey hanging half off the bed. Should you be taking unnecessary items with you? No. But will you be shoving this monkey into your bag for future times of comfort? Absolutely.

Everyone is already gathered outside by the time you get there, securing weapons, tightening bag straps, whatever they need to do before officially leaving. The sun isn't quite up yet, leaving a chill in the air and making you shiver, wrapping your jacket around you better. Your arm stings where the fabric rubs against where the infected scratched; you should probably put a bandage on that.

"How's your leg?" You walk up to where Han is sitting on the ground, Felix dressing the wound at his hairline with Jeongin behind him.

"Better now that these two did something about it." He winces as Felix puts alcohol on the open cut, cleaning the blood running down Han's face while he's at it. "How's your arm?"

"Your arm?" Jeongin quirks an eyebrow at you.

"Right, about that." You put your bag by your feet and take off the right arm of your jacket revealing the dried blood underneath. "Got scratched during everything last night and almost forgot about it until now. I saw you guys with the medical supplies and thought I'd grab a bandage."

Jeongin grabs your upper arm gently, examining the three scratch marks. "Y/n these are pretty deep, sit down and I'll sew you up."

"Are they?" Sitting down, you take another look and see fresh blood trickling down the side of your arm. "Oh shit, I guess they are- ah."

It stings when Jeongin uses the same alcohol Felix used for Han on your arm, biting your lip and eyes squeezed shut. The pinprick of a needle is felt soon after and you fist the end of your jacket with your free hand to avoid digging your nails into your skin. Someone is rubbing at your back, but you still can't open your eyes to see who it is.

"You're doing good," you recognize Hyunjin's voice in your ear. "Almost there. That's it."

When there's a pat on your arm, you open your eyes and your fist unclenches. Where there used to be an angry, red wound, is now a white wrapping with a tinge of blood seeping through in the middle. Although your arm is still sore, you ignore it, putting your jacket back on and standing with Hyunjin's help, not that you need it.

"Ready to go?" Chan asks loud enough for everyone to hear.

You're about to follow him down the driveway when you remember something fairly important.

"I forgot something," You blurt. "I'll be quick so you can keep walking."

Chan nods. You jog back around the house, seeing the bodies of the infected scattered across the yard in the oncoming daylight. Making your way to the ones on the left side of the house, you notice something as you get closer; a nametag is pinned to one's shirt reading Hanni, one that you killed last night. A cold feeling runs down your body as you take in its- her- apron, the name long rubbed off the chest. Her nails are painted a chipped baby pink, a silver band on her left ring finger.

Suddenly, you feel ill. The world is moving although you are still and nausea hits you in intense waves as you come to a realization, something you should have had in mind before. These things you fight were once real people with real lives and real families, not creatures who spawned one day with evil intent. No, they all had to turn into this, and you feel so sick. With a shaky hand, you grip under her chin and pull you knife out, sheathing it at your thigh. As dark blood trickles out of the hole you made, you hunch over at her side and heave.

"Why are you taking so damn long- oh shit, are you okay?"

"Why do you keep seeing me at my most embarrassing moments?" You wipe your mouth, avoiding his eyes.

"To keep you on your toes," Han says, crouching next to you. "Seriously, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You literally just threw up."

"I'm fine," You insist.

"Vomit, anger, first thing in the morning," Han strokes his chin, pretending to think hard. "Hyunjin didn't...?"

"Oh, what the fuck is wrong with you?" You smack him in the shoulder, but barely contain a laugh. "No, it's just... kind of hit me that they were like us once. Her name's Hanni, like in the bedroom. Do you think she was visiting home?"

"Try not to think about it, it makes them easier to kill." Han stands up and sticks a hand out; you take it. "Not that it's easy."

You retrieve your other knives quicker, not stopping to look at the man attached to one. When you rejoin the group at the end of the driveway, Chan gives you a funny look. It's like he can sense when something's wrong, and you hope he can't read minds.

Like that, you're on the road again. You notice neither Han nor Jeongin are limping anymore, and that Chan has a new wrapping on his left forearm. Chaeryeong is wearing her hair up, revealing a tattoo you hadn't noticed before of a lightning bolt, the rest hidden underneath her collar. The sunrise has popped over the horizon and into your eyes, but you can't help but notice how the golden rays bring out the freckles on Felix's face or the glow of Hyunjin's skin. Seungmin walks beside you, stoic as ever, but when Jeongin says something to him quietly, you catch a glimpse of his wide smile and can't contain your own.

These are real people, your people, whether you feel it completely or not yet. They have their histories, their lives, their secrets and desires and fears and loves. And so do you, and so do the people lying dead in a backyard kilometers behind you now. Right now, you hold onto the view of the people around you, and you hope that will be enough in the end.

---

notes ▪︎ how are we feeling so far? these people rlly can't catch a break, huh...... lol. it only gets worse from here, so, yk. :33

─── taglist : @chaeryred @toplinelix @channie-143 @staysinbloom @manuosorioh @hanjisunglover @xxstrayland @puppyminnnie @hanjsquokka @kpopsstuffs @ot8girlfie @quokkabite @linoslawayslinos @reapers-lover @hyunjinslittlestar @kiki0113 @nishiriks @nxtt2-u

#⋆₊‧⁺˖⋆˚.⋆ ͙͘͡★ LOOK UP TO THE STARS #skz #stray kids #han jisung x reader #han jisung x fem reader #han jisung #skz x reader #stray kids x reader #zombie au #zombie apocalypse au #skz zombie au #han jisung fanfic #skz fanfic #stray kids fanfic #skz series #han jisung series

93 notes · View notes

glitchy-npc · 3 months ago

Note

59 pretty please? ^^

[Post Re-gene and villain reveal. 778 words]

Ortega fidgets with the small, gold ring in his ear, rubbing the smooth metal between his finger and thumb and it warms quickly under his touch. It's become an increasingly common habit lately, a self-soothing gesture, it helps him think. He only wishes he could focus on what he really needed to get done instead of drifting towards memories of the man who gave him the earring in the first place.

But his brain never did care about what he wanted and the memories come back anyway.

He remembers sitting in his kitchen and the familiar burn of tequila, a little liquid courage, while watching Tegan set a small box down on the table.

“Last chance to back out, old man.” Tegan’s lopsided smile was a challenge. Why was that the detail Ortega noticed rather than whether those smiles ever reached his eyes or not?

“Do you really think I would?” He leaned back in his chair, the camouflage of cocky confidence as easy to put on as a pair of well worn shoes.

“No.” Tegan snorted. “But you could have gone to a professional, they probably would have done it for free, for celebrity bragging rights.”

“Hey, I’m not being a cheapskate here, besides…” His voice softened when he reached out to grab Tegan’s hand, giving it a quick kiss before the other man could protest. “I want you to do it, I trust you.” Only in hindsight could he see Tegan’s imperceptible wince.

“Fine, just don’t complain if you don’t like it and end up with a scar.” Did he really never used to notice Tegan’s eyes darting to the scar on his lip so often? His parting gift from Retribution. It’s still hard to comprehend they are one and the same.

Ortega remembers Tegan opening the box and pulling on a pair of black nitrile gloves, the way his hands flexed until they sat just right and how meticulous he was about sanitizing the gloves and needle, along with the sharp smell of disinfectant. He had been that way in the old days too, whenever he had patched him up after a fight, methodical and clean, he thought he had just been overcautious.

But now he knows why.

Could never risk an infection or a trip to the hospital, not with the tattoos being as good as a death sentence. If only he had known. If only he had been trusted to know.

He remembers Tegan gently pushing his hair behind his ear and repressing a shiver as he applied antiseptic to where the needle would go. How he stood, straddling one of his thighs to be close enough. So close. He wanted to place his hands on his hips, to slide his hands up under Tegan’s shirt and pull him closer. Into a kiss, into the countless fantasies he’d had of them making love in his kitchen. Maybe it was silly but that's what fantasies are. And what they are likely to remain.

“Ok, keep still.” Tegan commanded, needle poised against his ear. “On the count of three. One…two…”

He remembers the sharp sting as the needle pierced through his flesh.

“¡Carajo! You didn’t even get to three.” It took all his willpower not to touch the instrument in his ear. An intrusion. One he wanted.

“You might have flinched otherwise.”

“I wouldn��t have!” The embarrassed surprise stung worse than the needle in truth.

“Don’t be a baby. You still want the gold hoop?” At least that was better than calling him old.

“Yep, gold’s a classic.” Easy to throw the confidence back up while Tegan disinfected the jewelry. He was proud he didn’t wince as he threaded it through the new opening. Another scar.

“Not worried what other people will think it might mean?” Even prouder he didn’t wince at that. Did that really used to scare him that badly? That other people might suspect he wasn’t straight?

“Not at all.” He can tell himself now it wasn’t a lie. “Besides, if anyone makes a big deal of it, I can say my boyfriend did it for me. Watch them say something then.”

“Idiot.” Tegan rolled his eyes but allowed himself to be pulled into the kiss all the same. Something warm and wanted that didn’t chase away the pain but added to it in a way that made everything feel more.

More present. More real.

Ortega shakes his head. Stops tugging at the earring and rubs his eyes. Tired. No light shines through the blinds, working late again, the dimly lit office a pale comparison to the bright warmth of the kitchen in his memories.

But that's just how everything feels lately.

#fhr #chargestep #ricardo ortega #tegan wells #ask prompt #fallen hero #had a lot of fun with this one #my wiritng

37 notes · View notes

oldiesstationlover11607 · 3 months ago

Note

okay your vampire fic was so scrumptious

would you ever consider tyler & josh & reader zombie apocalypse fic?

🕸🕸🕸🕸

Apocalypse - Tyler Joseph + Josh Dun X Reader (Zombie Apocalypse AU)

Warnings: Death and zombie apocalypse stuff

Word Count: 1571

A/N: I love your requests 🕸️ you're one of my fave anons bc of the amazing AUs you request ;) enjoy this one hun!

Part 2

The road was dark, cracked with deep, twisting roots breaking through the asphalt, and my lungs were on fire, each breath tearing through me like knives. My legs wanted to give out, but I knew that stopping now would mean the end. My friends… my family… the sounds of their screams still rang in my ears, echoing through the empty night.

Up ahead, through the haze, I saw two figures. They moved with purpose, their flashlights slicing through the darkness. One of them was tall and broad, his posture rigid, his face shadowed but unmistakably alert. Beside him was someone slightly shorter, with a buzz cut.

The taller one—Tyler, I realized—raised his hand, signaling me to stop. His expression was hardened, his jaw set, and his stance was tense, protective. The buzz cut one—Josh—looked at him as if waiting for an order.

“Wait,” Tyler said in a low, commanding voice. “She could be infected. Check her.”

I barely had time to react before Josh stepped forward, his expression softer, but still cautious as he scanned me. “You okay?” he asked gently. “Any bites?”

“No,” I managed to choke out. “Just… just ran into a horde. They… got everyone else. I’m the only one left.”

Tyler’s eyes narrowed, studying me with a gaze so intense I felt like he was looking straight through me. After a moment, he jerked his head toward the tree line.

“We don’t have time for this,” he said curtly. “We’re heading to shelter. If you can keep up, you’re with us.”

I nodded, too exhausted to do much else. Before I could even gather myself, Tyler had turned and started striding through the trees, his movements silent but deliberate, as if he knew the woods by heart. Josh stayed close by my side, a supportive presence as I struggled to keep up.

“Tyler’s… well, he’s serious about survival,” Josh said quietly, glancing over at me. “But he won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.”

“He doesn’t seem too thrilled I’m here,” I whispered back.

Josh shrugged, a sympathetic look on his face. “That’s just how he is. He’s had to be tough—keeps us alive.”

After a few more minutes of pushing through dense underbrush, we came upon a small shack, nearly swallowed by overgrown vines and creeping ivy. Tyler didn’t hesitate, scanning the area for any signs of movement before gesturing us inside.

“Josh, you cover the back,” he ordered. “I’ll block the windows. You”—he pointed to me—“sit down. Rest up, but stay quiet.”

I sat on the cold floor, my body slumping as the last of my adrenaline faded. My mind replayed the scene I’d just escaped from, the faces of those I’d lost haunting me. Tears pricked my eyes, and I struggled to keep my emotions in check, but it was impossible. The pain in my chest was too much to bear.

“Look,” Tyler said, his tone a little softer but still guarded. “We’re all going through hell right now. You’re not the only one who’s lost people.” His eyes held a hardness that told me he knew loss just as well as I did—if not more. “But out here, you need to be strong. Weakness gets you killed.”

A sob broke from me, and I looked away, clutching my hands to keep from falling apart completely. I felt Josh’s hand rest on my shoulder, his touch warm and comforting.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, the words barely making it past the lump in my throat. “I just… I don’t know if I can keep going.”

Josh knelt beside me, his face soft with understanding. “You don’t have to apologize,” he said gently. “Losing people… it never stops hurting. But Tyler’s right—we have to keep going, for them. For ourselves.”

Tyler watched us, his expression unreadable. “You don’t have to thank us for saving you,” he said, his voice low but steady. “We’re better off together, especially if you pull your weight. This isn’t a charity.”

I nodded, wiping my face. “I get it. I don’t want to be a burden. I… I want to survive.”

His eyes met mine, his face unreadable. “Good. Then you’ll listen, follow orders, and we’ll all have a shot at making it through the next few days. Trust is earned out here.”

“Tyler,” Josh said, his tone a touch reproachful. “She’s been through a lot. Cut her a little slack.”

Tyler sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “Fine. Look, I don’t mean to be cold,” he muttered, his gaze softening just slightly. “But out here, I’ve seen people get killed because they lost focus or trusted the wrong person. I don’t want that happening again.”

The weight of his words settled over us, and I realized he was speaking from experience. Tyler’s no-nonsense, tough demeanor wasn’t just an act. It was armor, forged from surviving in a world where compassion often meant vulnerability. But Josh’s hand stayed firm on my shoulder, and his presence softened the harsh edges of Tyler’s words.

“I’ll do my best,” I said quietly, meeting Tyler’s gaze. “I’ll follow orders. And… I’m grateful. I know I’d be dead if you hadn’t helped me.”

Tyler nodded, his face easing into a look that might have been respect. “Good. We need to keep each other alive. That’s all that matters now.”

Josh gave me an encouraging smile before standing up and glancing around the dim shack. “Well, since we’re all here… we should figure out the next steps.”

Tyler nodded, looking between us with a sense of practiced authority. “We’re low on supplies, and this place isn’t safe for long. We’ll head out at dawn, find some shelter with more protection, and stock up on food and water.”

He turned back to me, his expression serious. “You said you were on your own for a while?”

“Yes,” I said, swallowing hard. “I… my group was attacked last night. They… they didn’t make it.”

For a split second, Tyler’s expression shifted, a flicker of empathy breaking through. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, his tone softer than before. “It’s a brutal world out there.”

“But you’re with us now,” Josh interjected, his voice a soothing contrast to Tyler’s intensity. “We’ll stick together, help each other. We’re a team.”

Tyler glanced over at him, his mouth quirking up in a half-smile. “Yeah. Guess we’re a team.”

Something in his voice told me he meant it, even if he couldn’t quite let go of his guarded edge.

We spent the next hour in relative silence, listening to the sounds of the woods, each of us keeping watch at intervals. Tyler stayed by the window, his gaze fixed on the perimeter with a focus that was almost unnerving. Josh, on the other hand, sat by me, his presence warm and reassuring.

“So, you got a name?” Josh asked softly, leaning close enough that Tyler wouldn’t overhear.

“Yeah,” I whispered, telling him my name. It felt strange, saying it out loud in the silence of the night, as if it belonged to a different person.

“Nice to meet you,” Josh said, a small, genuine smile on his face. “I’m Josh, and the guy with the whole ‘leader of the apocalypse’ routine over there is Tyler.”

I stifled a small laugh, but it still slipped out. Tyler looked over at us with a raised brow. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Josh said quickly, shooting me a wink. “Just trying to lighten the mood a little.”

Tyler rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything more, his attention already shifting back to the window.

As dawn approached, Tyler turned to us, his expression serious as he shouldered his bag. “We’re heading out. Keep quiet, stay close, and don’t do anything reckless. Got it?”

“Got it,” I said, matching his tone. This was life or death, and I was done being scared.

We moved through the forest in tense silence, Tyler leading the way with sharp eyes and careful steps. Josh stayed close behind, his presence reassuring as we weaved through the dense trees and overgrown trails. The sun was just breaking through the canopy when Tyler held up a hand, signalling us to stop.

“There’s a house up ahead,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “We’ll check it out. Could be empty, but don’t let your guard down.”

We approached cautiously, and Tyler gestured for us to stay back as he slipped inside. A few moments later, he reemerged, giving us a nod.

“Clear,” he said, his voice low. “It’ll do for now.”

Once inside, Tyler immediately began setting up defenses, pulling furniture in front of the doors and windows with practiced efficiency. Josh handed me a canteen of water, his eyes warm with encouragement.

“Drink up. Tyler might be intense, but he knows what he’s doing. With him around, we’ll be alright.”

“Thanks, Josh,” I murmured, grateful for his kindness.

Tyler glanced over at us, a slight smirk breaking his usual stoic expression. “You two gonna keep chatting, or are you gonna help out?”

Josh chuckled, nudging me as he stood up. “Come on. Let’s not make the boss mad.”

I laughed, a real laugh that felt strange and wonderful after so much pain. With Tyler’s tough guidance and Josh’s warmth, I felt something I hadn’t felt in weeks—a reason to keep going.

For now, we were safe, together, and in a world that had taken almost everything, that was enough.

REQUESTS OPEN

11 notes · View notes

tumbleweed-writes · 9 months ago

Text

Now That I Have You: Chibs Telford X OC. Chapter Six

PREVIOUS CHAPTER HERE

Tara was disappointed that she was ruining her friend's date but the mother in her was far more insistent than the matchmaker in her.

She feared that she may have wrecked things for Molly and Chibs. She could imagine that a call about a sick child was a mood killer for a first date if there ever was one.

Her disappointment quickly turned to joy when she opened the front door and saw the last thing she'd expected to see.

She had expected to see a very worried Molly, but it was who was standing beside her that surprised Tara.

Chibs was standing by Molly, his hand clasped onto hers clearly showing just how protective he had become of the woman. She had not expected Chibs to tag along to pick up Mason.

She knew she shouldn’t be shocked though. If Chibs Telford was anything, he was loyal. He wasn’t the kind of guy that was going to disappear if he found out his date had a sick kid in need.

Tara did her best to hide her smug smile as she saw that the first date had not been ruined, at least not completely. Just to think Jax had told her not to play cupid, she couldn't help but to realize.

Molly took her son from Tara, she holding the sick crying boy in her arms allowing the child to bury his head against her shoulder.

Molly pressed a kiss to Mason's cheek trying hard not to panic as she realized just how warm his cheek was. He had a fever, Tara had already checked. It wasn’t incredibly high, but it was high enough to be a concern.

Molly pressed kisses to his cheeks doing her best to quiet his tears. She spoke trying to keep her voice from becoming too frantic as she realized that her son was wearing his Paul Frank monkey pjs and not the clothing she'd left him in. "What exactly happened?"

"I was making dinner and the boys were sitting at the dining room table coloring. I looked away from them for a second and next thing I know he got sick all over himself. I went ahead and put him in his pajamas and got him cleaned up. His clothing is in the washer. I'll get it to you Monday at work." Tara explained trying to ease Molly's worries.

Molly nodded her head, it not taking her very long to realize just what was wrong with her son. "The daycare provider at the hospital told me that the chicken pox has been floating around the kids there. Mason hasn't had his vaccine yet...my ex didn't believe in them...I mangaged to get the basic early vaccines behind Brian’s back…it’s gotten harder as Mason’s gotten older and I keep meaning to get it done. I haven’t been separated from Brian long enough to even get it set up…I just got him set up with a doctor out here but we haven’t had our first appointment yet...god this is all my fault."

"Oh, Honey, it’s okay. You intended on doing it, the chicken pox just moved faster. It could happen to anyone." Tara reassured the woman remembering that the daycare providers had told her the same thing about the chicken pox virus. Luckily Abel and Thomas had gotten their vaccines.

Chibs spoke up, not liking the clear look of guilt on Molly's face nor the mention of her ex being controlling enough that he might try to dictate what medical care Mason was allowed. "It's alright, Lass...he's gonna be jus fine...He's a strong kid."

Chibs reached out placing a hand over the child's cheek a little frightened when he realized just how warm Mason's skin was. It was as though heat was rising straight from Mason's pores. He felt like a little furnace. His skin felt a little damp the children’s tylenol Tara had given him making the fever begin to break. It had left the boy feeling somewhat sweat soaked and the fat tears sliding down his cheeks didn’t help with the dampness.

He was quickly overtaken with a feeling that he hadn't had in years. It was the same feeling he use to get when Kerrianne was just a baby and was suffering from an ear infection.

It was a feeling of helplessness, knowing that someone so small and helpless was suffering and there was nothing you could do to ease the pain. Chibs Telford did not like feeling helpless.

Tara did her best to give Molly a hug even with the younger woman’s arms full with her child, as she spoke, the doctor in her taking over. "Don't worry, just get him some fluids and some rest and he'll be okay. You might want to get some pedialyte in him and some broth. Make sure you keep him from scratching once the bumps start appearing. Put socks on his hands if that's what it takes. Keep checking his temperature and give him children’s tylenol as needed. If the fever gets too high get him to the emergency room though. If his symptoms seem to get worse get him in to see someone. The virus should run its course though in about four to seven days."

Chibs shook Tara's hand giving her a smile thankful that her doctors' orders seemed to soothe Molly. "Thanks doc. I got em, now. We’ll get the wee lad home and get him to bed."

Molly put Mason in the backseat of her bug climbing into the car beside him wanting to be close to the fussy boy. Chibs got in the front driver's seat trying not to show how much he disliked her bug. He hated driving cars; it was a far cry from his bikes.

He quickly decided that he would deal with driving the little bug as long as it meant that he got to have Molly and Mason here with him.

Molly spoke up feeling regret over the fact that the nice dinner she was supposed to make Chibs would go to waste. She felt even more disappointed that they were sitting here in her bug with her sick son instead of at her rental house continuing the romantic evening they'd been having. "This didn't turn out how I pictured it."

"It's alright love, as long as the little lad is okay...we can take a raincheck on dinner." Chibs reassured her, almost afraid that she wouldn't want to take a raincheck on it.

Part of him was afraid that the kiss they'd shared back at her house had meant nothing. He was afraid that she would see it as an accidental one-time occurrence. He was terrified she would view the kiss as nothing more than a mistake.

He was afraid she’d tell him that this was moving too fast, and she was not ready to jump into anything until her divorce was finalized. He was afraid she’d admit that she was just rebounding with the first guy to show her attention after leaving her marriage.

His fears were silenced as Molly spoke, a soft smile on her face. "I would really like that. We can definitely try this again…dinner.”

She paused her cheeks growing warm as she stared down at her seatbelt the words leaving her quickly before she had a chance to stop herself from being ballsy enough to say it. “We can try both dinner and the kiss again."

Chibs smirked at the comment and the shyness in which she said it. She was so sweet and seemingly innocent. He had to feel that he might corrupt her and it was an appealing idea.

He nodded his head fast to say the words. “Oh, we’re so tryin’ the kiss again.”

She twisted her lips trying not to smile too hard at the comment. She was so looking forward to there being another kiss hopefully sooner than later.

—---------------------------

On the way back to Molly’s rental home there had been a stop at an all night drug store on Chibs’ insistence. There they had bought all the necessary items for a sick child; soup, children's Tylenol, and oatmeal infused lotion for the red bumps that would more than likely come with the chicken pox. She had been stunned as Chibs tried to pay for the items but had quickly talked him into at least allowing her to split the payment with her much to the annoyance of the cashier who had been assisting them.

Chibs stood back behind Molly feeling a little lost as to what to do as Molly placed her son in his bed.

Chibs was astonished as Mason spoke up, his voice cracking from exhaustion and just feeling plain crummy. "I love you, Mr. Chibs."

"I love ya too, little lad." Chibs blurted out the words falling out of his mouth without him even having to think about them.

He felt his heart ache at the moment. He had not pictured this that day at the garage when Mason had hidden behind his mother the moment Chibs had spoken to him.

He’d almost forgotten how willing children were to give love. They gave it so freely without fear. They’d not been beaten down by life yet and told that it was not okay to express love without doubts.

Molly swallowed the lump in her throat trying hard not to become misty eyed over the entire exchange. It had been the last thing she had expected, for her little boy to adore Chibs.

She was even more stunned at the realization that she was beginning to find herself adoring the man just as much. Though of course she would not say it was love. It was far too soon for such a thing.

She felt comforted by him though. She felt desired. She felt secure. She felt good around him. It was a mix of emotions she’d not felt around a man in so long.

Brian had never made her feel any of those things. She had felt the exact opposite with Brian. Brian made her feel panicked, stressed, unworthy, hideous, undesirable, and just miserable.

She had forgotten how nice a man could and should make her feel.

Molly made sure that her son was covered up nice and warm underneath his red sheets and his beloved Spiderman comforter before she stood up.

She made sure to turn on the plastic green turtle shaped night light on his dresser before she shut off the lights. She left his room sure to crack the door before Chibs and she walked back out to the living area.

Molly was the first to speak knowing that this was a conversation that would need to be had. It was for the sake of her son that they discussed this. She knew if Chibs intended on sticking around the way he seemed to insinuate he did then they needed to have this talk. "You mean a lot to my little boy, Filip."

"He means a lot to me too love...ya both do." Chibs admitted fearing that this conversation was going in a direction he would hate.

He was once again afraid she was going to let him down gently. He was sure that she was about to tell him that she only saw him as a friend; that she didn't want him. It would prove his fears correct, he thought; show that a guy like him wasn't good enough for a woman like her.

Molly spoke again, her stomach churning as she tried to make it perfectly clear just how important her son was to her. She couldn't allow her son's heart to be broken. "Mason isn't just some consolation prize that comes along with me. If I'm going to...move forward with anything with you…not that I’m saying this is…I know we’ve only had one date.”

She paused gathering her thoughts finding this entire situation so hard to navigate. She didn’t want to come across as a clingy mess asking for more of a commitment than he was willing to give this early in the game. She knew though that she had to make it clear that if there would ever be a commitment then it wasn’t just about her. “I know things are building right now…we’re in the getting to know you stage. I know that…I don’t know where we’re going with this, I do know though if it does go anywhere if there’s a possibility that it might, then I need to know that you understand just how important my child is to me. I can't allow for someone who's starting to mean so much to him to let him down...I need you to promise me that no matter what...no matter what happens between us that you aren't just going to drop out of Mason's life. If things between us fizzle out I need to know that you aren’t just going to disappear leaving me to explain to my kid what ever happened to Mr. Chibs…he’s not always had men that…my ex, Brian was not an active parent. My brother has been Mason’s only male influence…but he’s far away and I know Mason needs that…especially as he’s growing up. I am not asking you to play dad or whatever…I am just asking to be a friend to him even if things don’t work out with us romantically. I’m asking you to stick around even if things go awry with us.”

She took a deep breath before she spoke again. “Just don't break his heart okay...even if you may break my heart at any point, don’t break my son’s heart, please."

Chibs let out a breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding in as he was overtaken with the notion that she did want him after all. She was willing to build this with him. She was willing to give him a chance. She trusted him to let him be in her life and Mason’s life as well.

He felt his heart ache as it him him she just feared for her son's well-being. He picked up on the comment about Brian not being a parent.

The thought made him feel angry. He had been denied his Kerrianne so long. He couldn’t comprehend how a man could not appreciate the chance to be a dad.

He spoke moving towards her wanting to make it clear to her that she didn't have a thing to worry about. "I promise ya, Lass, I'm not intendin on goin anywhere…even if shite between us fizzles out…I don’ intend on lettin it fizzle out, jus so ya know.”

He paused clearing his throat needing to say the words, even if it was a promise she’d probably tell him not to make her this early in the game. “Fer the record, I would never break yer heart...Mason's either...I'm goin to be there fer ya both...I'm jus glad that yer willin to give yer hearts to someone like me. I’m happy ya wanta trust me with yer hearts."

Molly wanted to ask what he meant by someone like me, but she was rendered speechless as his lips met hers in a kiss that was just as gentle as the one they'd shared earlier that evening.

She reached up, placing her hands on his cheeks. The kiss stayed delicate, he placed his hands on her hips wanting her to be as close to him as she would allow. He held her so gently almost as though he was afraid of breaking her.

He traced his tongue along her bottom lip asking for permission and she allowed it feeling her knees grow weak at how easily he dominated the kiss. His tongue slid against hers with a skill she’d never experienced in a man. As cheesy as Molly knew it sounded, she found herself losing track of time as their lips moved together somehow both soft and demanding at the same time. Chibs Telford had a skill in the kissing department. She was relieved he’d seemed inclined to use that skill on her.

Chibs found himself becoming just as lost in the feel of her lips against his; the kiss far different from any of the drunken sloppy kisses he'd shared with the croweaters of his past. This was different, he knew, she was special. She was no croweater. His past drunken conquests didn't even compare to the wonders of Molly Garrett. He struggled to keep control over his racing hormones as she allowed the kiss to become a little deeper.

They were both reluctant to pull away from one another but soon the need for oxygen became too much to ignore.

Chibs pulled back unwilling to pull away from her just yet. He kept her locked in his embrace, soaking up the moment.

It was not the way he’d pictured this date going, but it felt marvelous all the same. She wanted him. She really wanted him. Molly Garrett wanted him in her life and in her son’s life. He didn’t feel deserving, but he wanted to be.

He stared into her hazel eyes once again mesmerized by the intense mixture of green and honey brown, and Molly found herself staring into his dark eyes just as entranced.

Chibs held on to her, as he was overwhelmed with a sudden realization that both thrilled him and frightened him. He was hers, completely and fully.

She had no idea; but he was all hers.

As long as she would have him; he would do whatever it took to remain hers.

————————————

Molly watched the blood fill the test tube through the thin tubing it was connected to. She watched with ease making sure that things ran smoothly for her patient and enough blood was gathered for a good sample.

She watched with no fear nor any dizziness; having long ago grown accustomed to the sight of blood.

She pulled the needle away, pressing a cotton ball and a bandage to an elderly man's arm who was less than pleased with her for the act.

She was tempted to point out that she’d at least not bruised him. She was also tempted to suggest that if he wanted to be stuck let then he should consider being better hydrated. Thirsty bodies meant thirsty veins that did not produce blood.

Bruising happened especially in older patients; it was something that often couldn't be helped no matter how gentle she was.

She ignored his glare as she labeled the blood sample and threw away the needle in a medical hazard wastebasket.

She pushed the little stool she was sitting in back as she removed her stark white vinyl gloves tossing them into a different wastebasket.

Some phlebotomists found themselves using latex gloves, but latex allergies were more common than some may think. So Molly always found herself reaching for vinyl, better safe than sorry, she believed.

She would be lying if she tried to claim that she wasn't still on cloud nine after Friday night. Despite the less than romantic setting, it had proven to be a perfect evening.

Every time she thought of Chibs' lips on hers she felt her cheeks flush and her heart race.

It had been a long while since a man had kissed her like that. To be honest, she was quite certain no man had ever kissed her with that much care nor that much passion. She had not thought it possible for a kiss to be so filled with both desire and concern for her well-being all at once.

Molly felt like a love struck teenage girl. It had been so long since a man had made her feel this way; so giddy, and beautiful, and just plain content.

She was sure that no man had ever been capable of making her feel quite like this.

Her memories of her early courtship with Brian were painfilled, but she was certain that she’d not felt this sure of Brian back in the early stages of their relationship. She had not felt so cared for by Brian so quickly.

She’d felt beautiful but there was always the undertone of suggestions on how she could improve. Brian had made little comments about how she should dye her hair back to its natural blonde instead of hte pretty lilac she’d had when they’d first met. He’d commented that she was far too old to wear combat boots and the converse looked cheap. He’d commented that she should dress more conservatively if she wanted to be taken seriously. He’d poo pooed the talk she’d had back then of getting a tattoo convincing her it would look trashy, and she’d let herself be talked out of it.

Brian had always given her compliments followed by criticism and then followed up by another compliment. She knew now he’d been trying to break her down and build her back up in his image.

She didn’t think Brian had made her feel this giddy from his presence alone. There had been gifts early on in the relationship; expensive perfumes, jewelry, and trips over spring break.

Sure, Chibs had given her some gifts through acts of service. He’d fixed her car far more than she’d expected. He’d helped her with her air conditioner and had found a plumber and handyman for her who conveniently seemed to owe Chibs a favor.

Those acts of service did not feel as though Chibs was trying to buy her affections though. It felt more as though it was his way of showing her he cared. It felt like he was worried for her and her child. It felt genuine and not as though he intended on using it as a way to manipulate her or guilt her the second she did something he did not like.

Brian’s gifts had always been brought up as a means to guilt her when she stepped out of line in his eyes. If she wanted to have a girls night with her college roommates he would bring up the expensive earrings he’d given her and how she wanted to spend time with friends instead of the guy who showered her with diamonds. When she wanted to go out with her brother and his boyfriend to a karaoke bar Brian had brought up the new dress or nice trip he’d taken her on.

There was always a condition to the gifts.

Spending time with Chibs was something that made her feel so content. Brian had never brought her that sense of contentment.

With Brian there had always been an undercurrent of needing to live up to his expectations. She never felt like she could just relax.

She had never felt as secure as she should feel with the man she had married and had mothered a child to.

She was surprised to find that when she was around Chibs she felt safe. When she was with him she was overtaken by a feeling she hadn't had since she was a little girl; a feeling of security. It felt as though with him by her side that no one could touch her.

She was unsure if it was just that he was so intimidating. He looked as though he’d have zero issue defending her if he needed to.

Sure was sure it wasn’t the physical intimidation she was certain he put off to anyone who might be a threat to her. It was just the energy he carried. He felt soothing; as though if he cared about you then you would be in good hands. He seemed as though he cared deeply for people in his life and he was willing to go the distance for them.

Molly was quickly realizing that Chibs Telford was amazing. He had proven so far to be sweet and gentle with her. To make him even more appealing he was so wonderful to Mason. So far he seemed to be exactly the type of man her little boy needed in his life.

Mason had not had the privilege of having many men outside of her brother who he could look up to or trust. For the longest time Jack and Geoff were Mason’s main providers of male guidance.

Brian didn’t seem to care unless he could use Mason to impress others. He did not seem to care for providing any sort of role model for his son.

She knew it might be foolish given she’d already told Chibs she was not expecting him to play Daddy, but she had to hope that he’d be at least be willing to be a role model of sorts to her son.

She knew if things progressed with Chibs and she then Mason would begin to see him as less than a friend and more of an authority figure in his life. She had to hope and believe that Chibs was mature enough to appreciate the honor and to treat her child with care.

She thought of the promise he’d made, not to break either of their hearts.

She felt silly to say it, but she could see herself handing her heart over to the Scotsman.

She felt ridiculous knowing that she was falling for him so quickly. She wouldn't say that it was love; no that would be silly. It was way too soon for love. She knew that at the moment it was more infatuation than anything else.

She was excited to see where this relationship could go though. She knew that it would take time of course; they still needed to get to know one another.

She found herself thrilled at the prospect of being able to build a relationship with Chibs. She felt that this would be exactly the the type of relationship she deserved. She would be able to build a relationship built out of trust and understanding. She had to have faith that it would be a relationship free of the violence and fear she had put up with for so long.

She was almost afraid knowing that she already cared for Chibs Telford this much. She was still frightened that with time Chibs would turn out to be just like any other man she had allowed herself to fall for; a monster.

She frowned, refusing to believe that Chibs could be anything like Brian. He was nothing like her husband. Brian was darkness and Chibs was the light.

It had been his words to Mason that had really taken hold of her heart; telling the boy that he loved him. Most men would have split the second the little boy blurted those words out.

She was shocked to find that she did not sense an ounce of bullshit from Chibs’ response to the child. It felt that he really did seem to care for her son. His promise to her had seemed genuine.

He really was in this for the long run. She was a little frightened that he wouldn't want her once he knew the truth though; the truth about why she had run away from Louisiana.

Would he still want her once it became clear that she was damaged goods? She feared that he would look at her differently once he knew about her past.

Would he think she was weak for allowing her son to stay in such a horrible situation for five years?

Would he still look at her with such a look of adoration when he knew just how much pain she'd allowed her body to endure over the years?

She also was honest enough to admit that she couldn't help but to fear that he would think she was falling for him for the wrong reasons; that she was simply afraid.

She feared he’d think that she was clinging to the first man to show her attention after being mistreated and harmed by a man for so long.

She questions about what he meant when he said that he was thankful she’d give her heart to someone like him?

She felt the distinct feeling that the club he seemed to be a part of might not be entirely innocent. She had a hard time wrapping her mind around the suspicions though. Surely, Tara would not be married to someone who was dangerous. Jax was in the club too, so surely the good doctor would not be tied to such a thing?

Molly had hopes that Chibs would see that she was not clinging to him out of fear.

She felt that Chibs was something amazing; she almost couldn't believe that he would want a disaster like her; a single mom who seemed as though she was harboring a secret, a woman who was clearly having some hiccups starting her life.

She knew that she had to do whatever it took to keep Chibs by her side. She didn't want to ever stop feeling as wonderful as he made her feel.

Being with Chibs felt like heaven. It felt like after all the dark violent years she had endured that this was her light at the end of the darkness. It was like she’d been in hell and now she was finally going to see heaven.

It made her think of something her grandmother had once told her when she was a little girl crushed over some stupid boy who had hurt her feelings; you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. It seemed that maybe Molly had found hers.

Molly looked up from the paperwork she was filling out to go along with the blood sample down to the lab, as she heard her supervisor clear her throat.

She looked to the doorway feeling quite anxious when she saw the look on the woman's face.

Her supervisor had always been kind to her up until this moment. She had really taken Molly under her wing here at the hospital, even telling Molly that she reminded her of a young version of herself.

The look on her supervisor Lillian Carmichaels' face made Molly think of the look her mother use to give her when she had disappointed her. It was so similar to the look her mother gave her when she'd brought Brian Parker home to meet the family.

Lillian spoke up, sending Molly a look that made most of the phlebotomists in this hospital run for cover. "You have a woman here to see you. She's waiting in the waiting room. She’s not taking no for an answer. I assume you know her, given that she knows you."

Molly searched her brain wondering who could be waiting for her.

She scooted her chair back standing up and pretending that she didn’t want to shrink under her supervisor's gaze.

Molly felt her stomach drop when she walked out into the waiting room and saw just who this woman was.

In a chair sat Gemma Teller Morrow. Gemma stood up giving Molly an all too calm smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes as she spoke. "Lilli here says you're on break, lets go have a talk."

Molly almost wanted to run back to the little office where she worked with two other phlebotomists and lock the door behind her.

Instead she just gave Gemma a polite smile and went to follow the woman out from the safety of the lab waiting room.

The two women walked in silence riding an elevator upstairs out of the lab in the basement. Molly felt unsure of what to say, her mind going a mile a second. The last time she’d seen Gemma, at Abel Teller’s birthday party, she’d had the sense that the woman was offended by her presence alone.

She felt less as though the woman was offended by her now but there was still a sense of discomfort under her gaze. It almost felt as though she was being studied by the older woman.

The two women found themselves sitting outside in the smoking section where both patients and employees seemed to gather to get their daily nicotine fix.

Today though the area was eerily empty, just Gemma and Molly sat at a wooden bench across from one another.

Molly sat feeling a little awkward sitting across from Gemma, she felt a bit plain wearing her light blue hospital scrubs and the gray and pink Nike tennis shoes she wore only at work, her hair pulled back into a high ponytail.

She had felt so pretty this morning when she had done her makeup putting on a shiny lip gloss and her favorite silver hoop earrings. Now sitting across from the impeccably dressed Gemma, she felt mousy.

Gemma lit up her cigarette and inhaled saying the last thing Molly had expected. "Hear your boy is sick."

Molly raised an eyebrow cautious of the woman, Gemma made her think of a venomous snake; cool and collected but ready to strike if prompted. "Yes...the chicken pox. My neighbor offered to sit with him while I work."

The two women sat in an awkward silence for a moment before Molly dared to speak again. "But I have the feeling that you aren't here to talk about my son's chicken pox."

"Bright and pretty, good combination." Gemma stated giving her a smile that Molly was sure she wasn't supposed to interpret as being friendly.

Gemma took a drag from her cigarette as she spoke again. "I've known Chibs for a long time. That man has been through hell in the time I’ve known him alone and plenty of hell prior to his arrival in the states. He barely got out of that hell all in one piece."

Molly spoke without even thinking as a particularly frightening thought entered her head. She couldn’t help herself from blurting out the fear as soon as it planted itself in her brain. "Are you in love with him?"

Gemma laughed, coughing a little on the smoke she'd just inhaled. She spoke, trying hard to hide her amusement. "No, honey. Trust me, I've got a man. Chibs is just a friend to me, a dear friend that's all."

Molly felt her cheeks flush embarrassed by her own question. What else was she supposed to think though? Gemma was checking in on her like this, being so nosy. She was talking about the hell Chibs had been through with a sense of warning to Molly not to fuck up. Gemma seemed somewhat possessive. It seemed like the actions of a woman in love.

Gemma spoke again thankfully having recovered from her laughing fit. "Chibs is the type of man who loves deep. When he loves someone he puts everything he has into it. I just want to make sure that he's putting everything into someone worthy. Someone who isn't going to betray him. I want to make sure you're here for the right reasons."

Molly sighed, spotting that part of her assumptions were right. Gemma wanted to send a warning.

"I would never do that to him. I'm not using him. This is the real thing for me. Filip means a lot to both my son and me." Molly insisted, hoping that it was clear just how truthful she was being.

She had the feeling that Gemma was someone who she needed the approval of.

Gemma nodded her head, the use of Chibs' real name enough to make her believe Molly. The girl did seem to be telling the truth from what Gemma could tell. She spoke earnestly of her words. She didn't put on water works or get pissed. She was reacting evenly and assured of her words. It read as someone who did not have any ulterior motives to hide. "Where are you on your divorce?"

"I've hired Harry Powell. His office is downtown near that ice cream shop, the one across from Lloyd's Barbershop." Molly explained a little unsure of the lawyer she'd hired a few days ago.

The man was sleazy looking and didn't have the nicest office but he was all she could afford at the moment. He was the only one willing to work for her on her budget.

Gemma shook her head, a maternal tone to her voice as she spoke. "That won't do, that idiot couldn't delegate his way out of a paper bag. I want you to use one of SAMCRO’s lawyers. I can get you a deal on a better lawyer than Harry Powell. I have the perfect lawyer in mind who will take your case as a friend of the club. I'll give her a call for you and set up a meeting."

Molly frowned, wanting to ask why SAMCRO needed a lawyer. She felt her stomach plummet that sense that Chibs was hiding something about that club from her sinking in again. She shoved the thought choosing to focus on denial instead.

She had no time to ask though as Gemma spoke. "What are you going to do once your ex comes calling? You do know he’ll come calling at some point? A divorce is going to require a custody hearing most likely and he’s going to know where to find you. A bastard like that isn't just going to sit back and let you divorce him. Trust me, Baby, that man isn’t walking away after he bruised up your back."

Molly's blood ran cold at these words. She spoke, confusion apparent in her voice. "How do you know about that?"

"Chibs spotted the bruises on the day of Abel's birthday party. He caught a peek of them that day he took you home. He mentioned that he was worried someone hurt you. He put one and one together and drew his own conclusions." Gemma explained, knowing that Chibs would kill her for bringing it up.

She wasn't just going to sit back and let someone who was this important to Chibs go through a divorce from hell without some help though. If this girl meant something to Chibs then Gemma would make sure that she was given the same treatment any other friend of the club received. Family helped family.

"He doesn't know why I left my husband. I haven’t told him anything. He doesn't know about the abuse." Molly admitted not hiding the shame she felt over her past and the secrets she was withholding from Chibs.

"Believe me, Hon…he knows. He’s waiting for you to say the words. He gets you’re delicate and he doesn’t want to cause upset. You should tell him everything. He'll understand." Gemma reassured her the maternal tone still in her voice.

She took Molly by surprise as she reached out placing a hand over hers. "Don't you worry about a thing honey. We take care of our own around here."

Molly nodded her head, the words surprisingly comforting her. This was unexpected, but she had a feeling that Gemma was not the type to take no for answer.

She had to feel thankful that she was getting someone a little less sleezy than Harry Powell to work her divorce.

She spoke as Gemma put out her cigarette and stood up. "Why does SAMCRO need a lawyer?"

"I think it's best if Chibs explains that to you." Gemma stated her words cryptic causing Molly even more confusion.

Molly was surprised as Gemma embraced her, pressing a kiss to her cheek as she spoke. "If you need anything just come by TM Auto. I'm always there."

And with that Molly watched the woman walk away.

She sighed feeling a sense of whiplash over everything that had just happened. It was strange how someone who terrified her just moments ago could give her a sense of comfort.

She frowned wondering what exactly Chibs needed to explain to her. She felt her stomach churn imagining it was unpleasant if SAMCRO was in need of a lawyer.

She let out a sigh knowing that she had a lot of questions for Chibs the next time she saw him.

——————————

Chibs entered the office of TM Auto frowning as he spotted a familiar woman sitting with Gemma Teller.

Lucy Fisher was one of SAMCRO’s many lawyers. They rarely used her considering she was quite expensive. The retainer price alone was for good reasoning, her price represented just how damn good she was at her job.

Lucy stood up with a briefcase in hand. She peered at Chibs through her designer glasses before she looked at Gemma. "Alright that's all I need. I'll be able to meet with her next week. I'll call you with a time."

And with that Charming's most expensive defense attorney walked out of the office leaving Gemma and a very confused Chibs.

Chibs spoke up fearing that Gemma had gotten herself into some sort of mess, more than likely involving a girl and a broken nose. "What was that?"

"That was your girl's new lawyer. She may focus mainly on defense but she has enough of a background in family law to handle it." Gemma stated, obviously proud of herself for landing the best lawyer in town for Molly.

"Molly?" Chibs asked, dropping down on the small sofa in the office suddenly forgetting what he'd come in here for.

"Yes Molly, who else would I be talking about? I had a nice talk with her yesterday. She was going to use Harry Powell. I told her that old drunk wouldn't be the right fit for her. Lucy Fisher is doing this all pro bono by the way." Gemma explained watching the tornado of emotions wash over Chibs' face; fear and uncertainty.

"Ya talked to her?" Chibs asked, feeling a little dumbfounded at all the information he'd just been told.

He couldn't help but to feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety at the thought of Gemma talking to Molly behind his back. The last thing he needed was for SAMCRO’s Den Mom to horrify Molly.

Gemma let out a sigh spotting the panicked look on his face. "Yes, and its a damn good thing I did. Just how much have you told her about yourself? She seemed a little clueless. She doesn't know anything about the club. Does she even know about Fiona?"

Chibs felt his throat begin to tighten up at the thought of just how in the dark Molly was at the moment. "What am I supposed to tell er? That I'm a criminal with a record a mile long? That danger is always goin to follow me? That I'm still a married man?"

"She’s not an idiot Chibs, chances are she’s smart enough to sense that there’s something off about the club. She’s been in town long enough to probably have heard something by now. What exactly was your plan in all this huh? You couldn’t have planned on never bringing it up. You know a home life and a club life can’t exist separately..” Gemma pointed out rolling her eyes.

She spoke again, not giving him a chance to reply. “Why are you still married anyway? And don't feed me that shit about Catholicism? We both know you aren't that good of a Catholic? I know the lack of divorce is Fiona talking. She told you she didn’t want to continue with the marriage but she doesn’t want a divorce. You have to realize that is really shitty, Chibs. She can’t have it both ways. It’s not fair to you."

Chibs frowned, wanting to be offended by her statement, but he knew she was right. He wasn't a very good catholic. He hadn't stepped foot in a church or confession since back when he'd lived in Belfast. He prayed and that was about it.

He sighed knowing she had a point about Fiona. It wasn’t fair at all. She could not have it both ways. She either wanted him or she didn’t. If she didn’t want him then she should set him free.

Remaining married wasn't for the sake of his daughter so she couldn’t use that excuse. Kerrianne was old enough to understand why her parents weren't together any longer.

It felt like the excuse of divorce being against her values as a Catholic was a convenient way to keep Chibs on a backburner, he hated to admit it. To be honest he was a little afraid that Fiona wouldn't give him a divorce. She was more attuned to her faith than he had been in years.

Still though, what was stopping him, really? If she didn’t want to continue the marriage, then he should be allowed to move forward with his life.

He shook his head unsure of what to say. The only thing he could say was one thing. "I don't wanna lose Molly and er boy."

"The only way you're going to lose them is if you keep the truth from her. Trust me, honey. Women remember that shit. Once you lie to us we don't forget it." Gemma stated doing her best to assure him that honesty was the best policy.

Gemma never thought she of all people would be telling anyone that honesty was the best policy. She knew that she had a point though despite how strange the statement sounded coming out of her mouth.

And so did Chibs. He closed his eyes knowing that he had to come clean. He had to tell Molly everything before she walked away from him forever.

——————————————-

Molly sat on her sofa in her pajamas, a glass of white wine in front of her and several Polaroids sitting spread out across the coffee table.

Mason had gone to bed a long time ago. The chicken pox had really taken all of his energy right out of him. His daily activities consisted of sleeping, watching cartoons, drinking juice, and maybe getting some soup down if he was lucky.

It was Tuesday night, four days since the chicken pox dinner disaster as Molly had come to think of it as. She couldn't help but to chuckle at the name. It sounded like some indie band; come see Chicken Pox Dinner Disaster, one night only Live in concert !

Well really Friday night hadn't been that big of a disaster, Chibs and she had kissed and it had been wonderful.

They had spoken on the phone a few times this weekend. He had even stopped by once on Sunday night. He’d watched a movie with Mason and she. It had felt nice, his insistence that he wanted to check in on her.

The little moments had not felt like long enough to her. Molly was exhausted from pouring herself into Mason's care..

The phone calls and visit Sunday had felt so nice though. Chibs had admitted that he'd called because he had wanted nothing more than to hear her voice and he’d stopped by just because he wanted to make sure she was faring well. That alone was probably the sweetest thing she had ever experienced.

She was afraid what would happen when he found out the truth about her ex and why she’d fled to California. Would he still want to hear her voice if he knew that she had been so weak and had stayed with a man who had caused her nothing but pain? Would he still think she was a great mother if he knew that Mason had seen such violence?

Molly felt nothing but disgust and humiliation as she stared down at the polaroids; pictures of every bruise, every black eye, and every mark Brian Parker had ever given her.

She had spoken with Gemma earlier tonight over the phone. The woman had told Molly to gather all the things she would need to meet with the lawyer next week.

Molly felt sick knowing that her dirty little secret was about to become public knowledge.

She frowned as she heard a knock at her door. She picked her thin gray cotton kimono robe up off of the arm of the sofa covering herself. The last thing she wanted was to answer the door in just a pair of pink pajama shorts and a white tank top.

She made her way to the door peeking through the peephole knowing that in this neighborhood she had to be careful.

She was just lucky her neighbors consisted of a young married couple that ignored her on one side and a grandmother on the other side.

Molly felt her heart begin to race as she spotted a familiar motorcycle and a familiar man.

Chibs was unable to stop himself from reaching for Molly as soon as she opened the door.

After finding out that Gemma had spoken to her just the day before, he had felt the need to get to her as soon as possible.

He'd wanted to see that she had fared well with his own eyes. Make sure that Gemma hadn't completely horrified her.

Molly leaned into his embrace soaking up the feeling of safety that she seemed to feel every time he was around.

She let him into her rental house feeling pure mortification as Chibs' eyes locked down on the Polaroid pictures spread out across the coffee table.

Chibs sat down on her ugly orange sofa, his knees growing weak when he spotted the pictures; photos of the woman who he was slowly falling hard for. The photos featured her looking so frightened and in so much pain.

He picked up a photo of her staring straight ahead; her right eye swollen and blackened and her throat bruised with clear hand prints, it was clear she'd been choked.

He spotted photos of split lips, bruised ribs and hips, black and blue arms, and more than a few black eyes. Her eyes stared straight into the camera so empty looking. The sight filled Chibs with a sense of horror. He’d seen terrible things in his life, and this was just another awful memory for him to hold on to.

Molly sat down beside him trying hard to fight back the tears but as soon as she saw the look on Chibs face she lost it; the tears came hard.

Chibs dropped the picture as he reached for her, taking her in his arms and holding on to her tight. He held her so tight that it almost hurt.

She spoke through her tears letting everything she was feeling out. "I was afraid you wouldn't want me if you knew the truth."

"I could never not want ya, Molly." Chibs stated meaning every word he said as he continued to hold her.

Molly swallowed the lump in the back of her throat as she pulled away from his embrace.

She stared down at the coffee table too afraid to look in his eyes as she spoke knowing that the truth needed to come out. He deserved to know the truth. "I married Brian two months after dating him. I got pregnant with Mason, so we did the right thing. He proposed after his parents told him that it was what needed to happen. I said yes even though my mother told me it did not need to happen. Things were good at first. He really bewitched me in a sense of the word. He came from money…a lot of fucking money. His family was old money. They had a big piece of land and an old plantation house that he told me would be all ours. My mother never liked him...but I didn't listen to her. When Mason was two, things changed. Brian became possessive... angry. He was always a little possessive before that point. He’d always seemed insecure in the relationship from early on. He got intense fast and I was starved enough for acceptance in his world that I ignored all the red flags. He showered me with gifts when she started dating…he was critical of me at times, but he always framed it in a way that he was just trying to help me grow. He always reminded me of our different stations in life. He never failed to remind me that I was from a much lower class than him. He reminded me that with him I would rise above my station in life…that he would help me improve. I ignored how insulting it felt and I…I learned to believe him."

She paused as he took her hand in his doing his best to encourage her to tell him everything. Hoping that she knew he would never be disgusted with her. "He was always verbally abusive…and occasionally things got…uncomfortable sexually. He never hit me up until that night though. I excused it the first time. I thought he was under a lot of stress. As soon as it was over, he told me he was sorry. He said it would never happen again. It kept happening though. I hid it from everyone...not that I had many people to hide it from. He pushed away my friends and my family...my brother Jack wouldn't go away though…Jack and his boyfriend they refused to be shoved out. Jack would show up on my front step and demand to see me and Brian…I think he was kind of afraid of my brother even though he always called Jack a…a lot of really gross homophobic things. I was so weak and stupid…I didn’t defend Jack. I always defended Jack, but I let Brian talk about him that way. Jack loved me so much. Jack wouldn't let Brian push him out of my life. If I didn't have Jack I would have never gotten away. The first time Brian hit me in front of my baby was the week before everything went to shit. He slapped me in front of Mason...at least he had the decency to not go any farther that night. I knew I had to escape after that though. I knew it would get worse…I realized I couldn’t shield Mason from it anymore. I began to worry that Brian would kill me one day and then he’d turn his anger on to Mason…I started to fear that even with me around that the anger would turn to Mason. He’s not always been kind to my son…when he isn’t ignoring him."

She took a deep breath finally building up the nerve to look at Chibs in the eyes. She didn't see the disgust she had expected. She saw only compassion.

He felt his stomach drop at the thought of the bastard hurting her in front of her son. He pulled her hand up to his lips pressing a kiss to it as she spoke again. "Jack started to help me plan my escape. Brian found out what I was planning...I don't know how, but he found out. He told me he would kill me sooner than let me leave with Mason. He beat me... worse than he'd ever done before. Mason walked in on it. He was in the playroom coloring and I guess he heard me cry out in pain because he came. He kept begging for Brian to stop...leave mommy alone...that's what he screamed. I couldn't do anything. Brian just kept on kicking me and punching me."

"That's why Mason was so quiet at firs wasn't it? The little lad couldn't deal with ta trauma" Chibs blurted out suddenly connecting the dots confirming just what he had suspected.

"Yes, that's why. Mason saw everything...Brian finally stopped...I don't know why. He just snapped out of it...and then he left…he went out to a bar I guess...he didn't come home that morning..Maybe he went to work I don't know. Jack found me the next morning...saw the damage. And that was that my brother and my sister packed up Mason and me and we left. I came to Charming because I liked the name...It seemed like a good place to make a new start...Brian isn't just going to let me go...He's going to come here once he finds out where I am. He is going to kill me. One day he will kill me." Molly admitted the fear of what her husband might be capable of becoming overwhelming.

Brian would come and she knew that; she was almost tempted to pack up Mason and run, run far away. She was tempted to disappear again before someone got hurt.

Chibs spoke up his voice holding a hint of danger that she had never heard from him. It made her stomach drop. "That bastard aint goin to touch ya. I'll kill him if he comes close to Mason and you. Ya don't gotta worry sweet lass. I'm here. I'm goin ta take care of Mason and ya."

Molly nodded her head fully believing him. The danger in his voice made her blood run cold.

She was a astonished that the tone of his voice didn't make her fear him.

He hadn't given her any reason to believe that he would hurt her. Chibs had never done anything to make her think that he would lay a hand on Mason or her.

Chibs took a deep breath trying to calm the rage he felt building in his gut. The thought of someone hurting her filled him with such a strong sense of rage, it was almost frightening how enraged he felt.

He took another deep breath opening up about his childhood. “My da…he was a lot like yer ex. He was a violent greasy bastard, mean as hell. He hit my ma once or twice in front of Cait an me. He left us…and we were glad fer it.”

She gave his hand a squeeze, her heart aching for him. She had to wonder if this was what had drawn him to Mason and she. Had he seen his own childhood in them?

Chibs cleared his throat knowing he needed to spill more trauma on her. It was time. She had the right to know.

He sighed knowing he needed to come clean to her and face the risk of losing her. It was like ripping off a band-aid he told himself; the pain would happen but afterwards you would be left to heal. She'd ripped her band-aid off and now it was time for him to do the same.

He pulled the hand that he was holding up to one of his cheeks. Placing it against one of his scars as he spoke. "I'm goin to tell ya a story bout how...bout my past, bout who did this to me."

She nodded her head ready to hear him out, ready to listen without judgment just as he'd done for her.

"I was born in Glasgow...but I lived in Belfast. Ya already know that. My ma died when I was thirteen and the followin year my younger sister and I, Cait, we moved to Belfast to live with an aunt. I was an angry lad. I lost my ma…moved to yet another housin estate. I was enraged at the unfairness of it all. I looked at the government and felt forgotten. I met my ex in that housin estate. Fiona her family lived near…she was full of stories…stories I was enthralled by. Fiona er family is third generation True IRA.”

Molly felt her breath catch in her throat at the information. All she could picture was car bombs and other horrible acts of violence. The word terrorism danced around in her mind.

She was tempted to yank her hand from Chibs’ at the information. She remained locked in place though forcing herself to listen as he continued. “I listened to her tales of a free Ireland…I felt so angry, so fuckin mad at my life’s circumstances. She made the tales sound so grand, so noble. I was in love with the promises she sold bout the fight fer the cause. As we grew older I fell in love with her too…My aunt was agains it. She saw only trouble and misery in Fiona. My aunt talked me into joinin the military when I was eighteen. She thought it would straighten me out and I saw a chance to break the system from the inside. I served in the Queens armed services for five months. I was a medic...until I was court martialed…I had a temper, didn’t like followin orders…plus I was prone to doin favors fer Fiona and the cause…After I was discharged I was all fer the cause…all fer Fiona. I worked as a mechanic by day and fer the cause by night. Fiona and I were happy even in the chaos and the violence. We survived more than we should have…threats on our lives near death experiences…I didn’t expect to survive my twenties and then I did…I was thirty two when Fiona found out she was pregnant, we had a little girl, my Kerrianne. I loved bein her da…It changed me…cooled down that temper. I didn’t want tobe like my da…I wanted to be less full of hate. I know lookin back now that lack of hate made me a target in the cause. Fiona had this friend...a man she'd known for a long while, Jimmy. I thought he was my friend too but I was wrong."

Molly's hand remained pressed to his cheek though everything about this entire story filled her with dread.

She knew that despite her fear she couldn't pull away from him. She couldn't find it in her to fear him. It was an uncomfortable thought. She should be terrified of him right now, but she remained sat by him unable to pull away. Was there something deeply wrong with her? Was she sick? Did Brian ruin her this much?

She looked into his eyes trying to make it clear that she cared for him as he continued. "Jimmy was jealous of me...He thought that I wasn't good enough fer my girls...Jimmy asked me ta come see him one night at his apartment...to discuss business he said. When I got there he told me how it was goin ta be. He said that Fiona was his now...that my wife and my little girl were his. He said that I had to leave Belfast...leave Ireland. He said that if I ever came back home he would kill my girls...He had a knife...I think he meant to try to slit my throat but I pulled away...tried ta fight him. Didn’t have a thing to defend me. He slashed my cheeks...told me it was ta remind me of my place...a Glagow smile...I almos died…I spent a long time wishin I had. I joined up with a group we worked with in the cause…a motorcycle club in Belfast…SAMBEL. I had always loved motorcycles and I was friendly with the club. They saw a broken man in need and took me in. I found a sense of somethin in it. I tried to stay in Ireland and somehow the cause allowed it even with Jimmy’s orders fer me to leave. They saw me workin with the club as a way to keep our business relationship with the cause rollin. I…I tried to watch my Kerrianne from afar. Fiona would sneak photos to me through people we knew…when my Kerrianne turned four…Jimmy threatened me again. Told me if I didn’t get the hell out of Belfast then he’d make my life worse…that he’d hurt my girls. I patched over to SAMCRO, got to the states."

Molly let out a shaky breath catching the comment about patching over to SAMCRO. If the Belfast charter of the MC was involved with the cause…then was SAMCRO involved as well.

She pushed the thought from her mind not wanting to accept it. It was too much. This was all too much.

She stared at Chibs something deep in her heart screaming over the voices that insisted this was too much. She saw the pain in his eyes.

She thought of him almost dying…she thought of the pain of losing his family. She thought of the pain of wishing for death.

She found herself unable to yank away from him and demand he get out of her house and far from her and her child.

"What happened to him? Jimmy? The other night you said you see your daughter now." Molly asked after a moment of silence.

"He's dead...Fiona is dedicated to the cause though…she ain interested in comin to reestablish any marriage. I tried ta make it work with Fiona, I fuckin begged her to eventually return to me. She ain’ interested in it. She insists on refusin me a divorce...I’m goin to file though. I ain’ worried bout upsetting Kerrianne by it. My daughter is old enough to know that I can’t remain married to her Ma. Fiona don’t want to remain married to me either. She’s jus…I think she’s gotten used to me bein there if she ever wants me." Chibs explained not willing to tell her just how Jimmy had died.

He couldn't tell her, not yet. She was already afraid. He didn't want to make her fear him anymore than she already probably did.

He cringed hoping she would not pull away at the mention of his marital status. He meant what he said. Gemma had spelled out the truth for him. Fiona was refusing the divorce because remaining married was convenient to her. Fiona had told him it was time to let go, and he was going to do just that.

"I can understand if yer frightened...If ya don't wanna see me again...I'd understand." Chibs stated fearing that she would tell him to get out of her house; that his past would be just too much for her.

Molly let the offer roll around in her mind. It would be easy to shove him from her life. It would be simple to give into the fear she felt coursing through her veins. She could easily give into the voice that told her this was too much.

The pain in his eyes stuck in her heart though…her heart reminded her of the man he had shown himself to be to her thus far.

He had been sweet and adoring. He’d been so gentle and so kind.

Could she condemn him for his past? Could she punish him for past sins even if he’d opened up to her about the pain entangled in those sins?

She feared that there was more to the story. She knew that there was more to the story.

She knew what her heart told her though. She knew what her soul felt.

She did the last thing Chibs Telford expected. She leaned in, pressing kiss to both of his cheeks as she spoke. "Don't go anywhere."

He let out a breath; his hands began to shake as he came to the realization that she still wanted him. He held her against him his entire body shaking as he struggled to come back down from the anxiety attack that had been building in him.

She sighed her stomach in knots. “I can’t say I’m comfortable with what you’ve done in Belfast…I can’t pretend that it doesn’t scare the hell out of me. I can’t lie and say I don’t have more questions for you…and that I’m not sure how I’m going to feel about the answer to those questions. I do know that I like you a lot, Filip. I can’t be afraid of your past. I believe you when you say you are filing for divorce. I’m trusting you. I am going against every better judgment I have and am placing my trust in you. Please don’t give me a reason to stop trusting you.”

“I won’t, Love. I swear to ya.” He reassured her letting out a breath he wasn’t aware he’d even been holding.

He leaned into her hand that still remained pressed to his cheek. She spoke again, suddenly remembering Gemma's words about SAMCRO. "Filip, Why does Samcro need lawyers?"

"Can we talk bout it later...please, Sweet Lass. Jus...I have spilled enough horror fer one nigh..can I tell ya that story later." Chibs begged not wanting to pull off any more band-aids, not tonight at least.

Molly decided to ignore the voice in her head that was telling her to force him to answer her, as she leaned into him.

The voice in the back of her head told her she was crazy, that this was too much, that she would live to regret this.

She hushed the voice though telling herself that she would cross that bridge when it came to it. She was going to do her best to trust in Chibs.

Molly was scared, but she would rather be scared with him than afraid all on her own.

She pressed her lips to his knowing that things would never be the same between them. The truth was out, and there was still more to hear.

Chibs held her against him as they kissed trying to forget the worries that we're bouncing around his brain.

He tried to tell himself that it would all work out, if she could handle the tale of his past, then she could handle anything.

He just didn't want to lose her or Mason; He refused to lose her.

#chibs telford #chibs sons of anarchy #chibs #sons of anarchy #chibs telford fanfiction #chibs telford x oc #chibs telford x original character

13 notes · View notes

theretirementstory · 8 months ago

Text

30/06/2024 It is 7 years since I left the UK to take up residence in France. This ground floor wing was my first home in the town. It was a gorgeous old building with big rooms with really high ceilings but once the cooler weather arrived it was impossible to keep warm with just electric heaters. I can’t believe that 7 years have passed and just how quickly I have integrated into my new life.

At the present time I am still in the hospital in Paris, my brain is numb from looking at the same four walls, following the same routine, day in, day out! I feel as if I have been away from home for months. I have had weepy days this week, I want to scream but what good will that do me? The good news is that Monique is going to come and visit me one day next week, she did say or the week after, but to be honest if I am in here as long as that I think they will have to bring the straight jacket!

I was having daily transfusions which has reduced to around every other day, however, when I don’t have the transfusions I know my levels will drop the following day. The “lovely” doctor called in to see me yesterday afternoon and she is going to look into something else to try and increase my platelets.

I am without mobile data on one of my phones, I think I am only allowed 12gb of roaming data and have obviously exceeded that! It’s a pain as not all my friends are on WhatsApp and I am having to “dip in and out” to see if people have contacted me. These things are great when working ok but once something like this pops up I feel as if I am “lost in France” (a song there perhaps).

I did manage a video call with my grandchildren yesterday. My grandson has an ear infection in both ears and has also had scarlet fever. Poor little chap! He was bright as a button yesterday though telling me the names of fruit in French. My granddaughter was more interested in her toys than grand-mere but that’s natural.

I am keeping this short as I don’t want to run out of data on my second phone.

Hopefully, I won’t be in here much longer and once back home will manage to get some new photos. As always I miss my garden, even more so as the weather has been lovely and I could have been sitting outside.

Wishing you all a “Bon dimanche”.

#paris #photography #hospital #livingthedream #family #friends

3 notes · View notes

jodilin65 · 10 years ago

Text

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2014 Nane asked me why I complain so much even though my life is so much better now, just like some others have asked me, and I told her that’s just how I am. She understood. At least I think she did. What I bitch about, though, doesn’t take away from the good. I still appreciate the hell out of the good times, trust me!

I was also right about her and Askim. They had a big argument and almost broke up. I would be surprised if they weren’t together forever, even though Nane can be a bitch at times.

Speaking of nagging… the people across the street are still working on whatever it is they’ve been working on. They’re not “noisy,” but they’re annoying and a bit distracting when I’m trying to focus on things. They just took off for lunch, but I’m sure they’ll be back.

This rain continues to amaze me. It’s like old times. I’m sure Jesse’s run down to the trailer to ask whoever’s in there now if the roof is leaking, even though all they have to do is call him if it is. It’s just after 12:30 in the afternoon yet it looks early morning out there.

Tom tightened the platform on my treadmill, though I’m too busy to run today. Plus I’ve got to have my toe done later on. Right now I’m doing laundry and am about to have lunch. Then I may straighten my hair. Maybe not, though. The rain will just curl it back up.

They gave Tom a nice shirt at work and a cell phone case, too. There are also hints of him replacing a guy who moved to another department which would mean a lot more money. He’s afraid to jinx it by getting into it much, and I don’t even want to think about the unfuckingbelievable shitload of money this could bring in case it’s a tease. He doesn’t know for sure what the guy was making, but it’s got to be at least bordering on insanity. We’ll know in about a month.

Later…

The surgery went over without a hitch. Whew! I’m so relieved the week of appointments is finally over. While I had to wait forever for her, the procedure went quickly and without as much pain as anticipated. As I was in the regular exam room, after listening to the ear-piercing screams of this little boy in the waiting room whose father did nothing to stop it, I heard the doctor step out into the hall and say, “The needle has to be long.”

Well, she can’t be talking about me, I thought to myself. Why would you need a long needle to numb a toe, right? Wrong. After she came and brought me to another room with a different kind of chair, she asked me if I wanted to lay back if I thought I was the type to pass out at the sight of what she was going to do, and I said I’d be fine sitting up. Besides, anything beyond a few feet in front of me is blurry without my glasses. But I could still see enough to know why she needed a long needle. Instead of sticking it straight into me, she ran it across my toe just underneath the skin. She stuck me 3 or 4 times, then put a clamp on. That’s a toe ring of sorts that acts as a tourniquet. When she was done her assistant bandaged the toe. It’s a good thing I took my flip-flops because it would’ve been hard to get my foot into the shoes I arrived in.

She cut the left side of the nail plate on the left big toe and warned me that there was a chance it could grow back ingrown at which time she would do more than just a section to guarantee it didn’t grow back curled. I’m also at risk of infection and bleeding, but I think I’ll be ok. Gotta keep the bandage on 24 hours, though.

It doesn’t hurt when I’m off my feet, but I can barely walk. Even though it doesn’t hurt it’s impossible to just walk normally. It only hurts if I put full pressure on the soles of my feet, and of course that toe. I have to walk on the outer edge of my foot or heel, and even then it’s uncomfortable. It may actually be easier if I crawled, LOL, and for the first time since being here, I wish the place weren’t so damn big. The bathroom is a mile away from my computer desk. It’s amazing, though, how much stepping on your foot affects the top part of it as well.

The only thing that pisses me off is knowing we owe hundreds of dollars. It would be thousands without insurance. We can afford it; I just don’t think it’s fair that only some people get free medical care. While I’m the first to admit the poor should never be denied health care, I don’t see why those with money should have to pay for it. Take it out of the taxes, why don’t they? Hundreds or not, I am at least getting top-of-the-line care with state-of-the-art equipment and the highest quality of services and remedies.

I was crying tears of both relief and gratitude regardless of who has to pay what. I’m just so, so grateful to Tom and to having insurance… FINALLY. I can’t believe we discovered the cure for my ear in Maui so I could end years of suffering. If only I’d known to get a humidifier. I’m like a new woman! I can eat without pain and don’t have to suffer near-daily earaches, and soon I will no longer have to suffer from my toe even if that was mild compared to the teeth and ear. It was a horrible way to live being in pain nearly every day of my life for years. Every day I’d wake up and wonder, what will it be today? My ear or my teeth? God may still hate me but He sure is doing a great job of not letting it show lately and I hope it stays that way!

It rained hard most of the day. Mudslides have been occurring throughout the state as we get all this rain the earth hasn’t been used to getting in years. Golf courses and playgrounds are now as green as Hawaii. We didn’t have much visibility on the freeway. The backsplash from tires makes it harder to see than the actual rain falling from the sky.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2014 The red rosebushes are in bloom on the front side and they’re really beautiful to see along with the pink camellias.

Really wish the people across the street would finish whatever project it is that they’ve got going. The car doors, hammering and sawing are annoying at times.

Why is it that other than Nane and I, people seem to be on Facebook just as much when they’re on vacation as when they’re not? I can see checking in to let people know you’re okay and having a good time, but shouldn’t vacations be for doing things you don’t normally do in your everyday life?

Was glad the Arizona governor did the right thing by vetoing the anti-gay bill that passed, but I’d still never want to step foot in that state ever again and I never will. It’s no place for whites, gays or Jews.

If Google Analytics weren’t set up in such a complicated manner, I’d have known a lot sooner that I haven’t had any local visitors after all. If I have, they aren’t showing up. All those other browsers were actually showing every visitor within that time frame and not just local ones like I once thought. This would explain why TIP never saw them.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2014 Starting to think Nane broke up with Askim. Why else wouldn’t she tell me what’s going on? She’s told me before when she’d overspend like crazy and was hard up for money, and she’s told me when she’s been ill.

Where the sun was shining brightly yesterday and the day before, today it’s all cloudy and wet.

Saw the eye Doc yesterday, and sure enough, the eye pressure is still up. They don’t like to see anything over 20 and since I’m still around 24 and 26 the doc recommended a specialist in Citrus Heights. The good news is that my optic nerve looked fine and I haven’t lost any field vision. My close-up vision hasn’t changed much over the last year, so I’m not going to renew my reading glasses. I’m more farsighted, though, so I have to get my bifocals changed out, which means I’ll be half-blind for a week and a half since I can’t see far away.

Last year he didn’t recommend treatment because it was the first anyone’s seen or heard of me having elevated pressure. But now the doc is ready to officially list me as having OH but can’t determine why or what to do about it, so I’ll be seeing an ophthalmologist soon enough. It may or may not be the beginnings of glaucoma, but worst-case scenario, all I’ll need are eye drops. As the doctor himself said, “If a drop in each eye before bed is all you need to keep from going blind, why not?”

I agree. But I’m also sick of having one thing lead to another. I was healthy for years with little more than allergies, cavities and ear troubles. Now I’ve got a bum thyroid, high cholesterol and possible glaucoma.

Later…

My 5 cavities – yes 5 – have been filled. Andy’s reaction to the number of cavities cracked me up. So glad it’s over, though! I thought I’d be there for a little over an hour, but instead, it took 2½ hours. A woman named Holly whom I never met before did the x-raying and cleaning. She was very talkative and friendly. She advised me to add regular floss to my waterpick routine cuz the waterpick gets around the gum area well enough, but not the contact area where the teeth touch each other. It’s just so hard to floss. My mouth is so small and I have a permanent retainer on the bottom. I think I may eventually have that removed, which they also recommended, so I don’t build up tartar in that area so easily. These days they can make an invisible retainer that I can leave in overnight. On the other hand, I’m not as appearance-obsessed as I used to be when I was younger. So what if my teeth shift and end up crooked? It’s the damn cavities I’m sick of getting.

Since brushing and water picking alone aren’t doing the trick with my overly soft enamel, the cleaning lady recommended prescription-strength toothpaste that costs $20, but lasts 6 or 7 months. It’s got much more fluoride in it than regular toothpaste and is a better guard against cavities. You only use a pea-sized amount before bed and you spit the excess out but don’t rinse it like regular toothpaste.

The fillings are $80 apiece but worth it cuz she uses a special porcelain material that lasts longer than regular fillings. They’re the color of my teeth too, and not silver.

After I was cleaned up I was moved to another spot where Shannon and the doctor began their numbing, drilling and filling routine, which seemed to take forever. Shannon mentioned visiting me some time so she can check out the rats, which they asked about. Did I tell them about the rats? Or did they overhear me telling Holly about them when she asked if I had pets? If they didn’t, maybe they visit my blog more than I realize. If someone’s got cookies disabled or goes through a proxy, I’m not going to know they’re there.

What was amazing was that Holly recognized my name from being featured in a magazine a few years ago. I was hired by mturk.com to do an article for Newsweek. Personally, I don’t even remember what it was about. They wanted me to rewrite something for them without paraphrasing. I worked for, and still do, different people who need articles created, edited or re-written altogether for magazines, websites or whatever.

Anyway, she doesn’t have a Kindle yet but I told her I was an Amazon author and all that and she said she’d look me up, and my blog, which can be linked to from Facebook, as I also told her.

Janet, the receptionist, loved my haircut. The others didn’t say anything about it, but she said it was adorable. Sure looks better straightened, too.

We noticed the doctor had a throw rug over white pine wood floors in the waiting room, and Tom said that this was what I thought I would prefer when we do laminate flooring at home since he knows I don’t like most darker colors. We both laughed when I told him Andy said, “White pine? Where’s the puke button?” Something about his blunt honesty cracks me up. We all agree these floors are HIDEOUS. I can’t wait to replace the damn thing. We could save a lot of money by installing linoleum tiles that you can cut with scissors, but we’d be lucky to have them last 5 years. Better to spend more money for better quality as with the dentist. I’m sure this latest round cost us around $400, and that we’ll hit the max deductible, but on the bright side, we get a tax break.

The doctor asked if I wanted to break it up into two appointments or do it all at once, and I opted to get it all over with at once. She agreed that’s what she thought would be best.

She said to let me know if I felt my bite was off once the numbness wore off and they’d get me in right away to adjust it, but it feels fine to me. Just a bit of gum and jaw soreness, which I took ibuprofen for. My gums bled a bit as my teeth were being scraped.

The name of the place is Waikiki Dental cuz the doc loves Hawaii as much as I do. We won’t be going first class, and we’ll get a $100 room instead of a $400 room, but we WILL be back in Maui someday! Before this year I’d have said I like to vacation in a different spot each time we vacation, which isn’t often, for variety. Not anymore. Yes, I love you, Maui! I’ll get back to you again someday even though we’re finally getting some real rain here.

Yeah, it’s almost like old times and I can actually see green out there, and not just a few scattered patches of it. It was so nice being able to get out of the car, step into the carport, and then into the house and onto a mat we only step on when coming and going. In the trailer, we had to walk through muddy gravel, then step onto a towel I had to remove as soon as we got our shoes off, cuz it, like with all other open areas there, was a high-traffic area and I didn’t want to get my socks wet. If there wasn’t an object present in a particular spot, then it was because we needed to walk through it. It wasn’t like this place that has some open areas and corners we rarely walk through. In the trailer, if it was there it was because we had no other place to put it.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2014 Wow, I didn’t know Andy was once friends with Norma’s daughters as well. But he too, unfriended them for ignoring him. I could be way off base here, but I suspect they want people “within their league,” and that unless you’re a professional that makes good money, especially if you do anything they do, you’re considered less superior to them. At least that’s the impression I get. In other words failed author who works at home isn’t good enough for a therapist, a professor, or one who works for an attorney. So what if she’s accomplished enough, even as a “1950’s” homemaker that no husband other than Tom would stand for today?

Nane emailed me and said that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and that she’s getting stronger. She never said what happened, though. The curiosity is a killer! Is she not telling me because it’s hard to talk about? Because she doesn’t trust me? Or because she gets off on leaving me wondering?

My nieces are in Florida now for a week with their beloved father. Let me guess, I will have to be insulted by pictures of the bastard, right? I know it’s nothing intentional on their part, but still… I hate having to see it or hear about the prick. I will unfollow them if it gets too much. It’s not the same as unfriending them. These two post the same old shit over and over and it really gets old. On top of that, they share practically everything the other one posts.

Later…

Created a Dreams journal on a site that allows for multiple journals. As in the kind of dreams I don’t have when I’m awake. As I was going through old journals I found that the number of dream premonitions, many of which I’d forgotten, is both shocking and creepy. I also couldn’t help but think, how did I miss this? You mean it really took till something like 2007 to realize I’m a dream premonitioner? But hey, that’s part of what a journal is for; so you can look back and see what you may not fully remember.

It’s been quieter today. Yesterday a truck was parked across the street moving furniture in and out and the bumps and bangs reminded me of attached living. But after an hour it left and I could feel like I was in the unattached house that I live in once again. I don’t miss having to deal with that and having to know it every time a neighbor in the duplex or apartments I once lived in long ago would shut a door, push back a chair, or close a cabinet. Forget about their music, TVs, voices, footsteps and other shit.

Our tentative plan in a couple of months from now is to have all the carpet ripped out of here and to just carpet the living and dining room with what may be pink or lavender since we won’t be doing the whole house. Then we will tear up these floors ourselves and install laminate flooring in something like a white pine. This will go better with things and I hate dark colors anyway. Maplewood, cherry wood, mahogany… yuck. I want something closer to white than brown.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2014 Nane picked up my message on Facebook, so she’s at least alive and probably at work.

Getting up this morning was a real bitch after 7 hours of sleep. I wanted to get up at 6am, but was so exhausted I hit the snooze button twice. Finally, I just bumped the alarm up to 7am and got up 15 minutes later. Really hope I can crash earlier tonight to catch up! The 4th, when this latest batch of appointments will be over, can’t come fast enough. It isn’t just the stress of trying to sleep and get up at certain times I need a break from, but just the appointments themselves. The eye and ear appointments should be easy enough, but I hate getting drilled and filled by dentists, and of course the toe surgery’s got me nervous.

Tom reminded me that we need much less sleep when we’re in our 60s and 70s. Yeah, but I’m only 48, so this isn’t much consolation to me now, LOL.

Anyway, I’m sitting here with a touch-up dye job and the timer set. Once it dings I’ll hit the shower and get on with my day, cleaning, working out, working online, etc.

It’s to be in the low 70s today and tomorrow but then drop into the 60s and rain Wednesday through Friday.

Later…

Unfriended all 3 of Norma’s daughters on Facebook. Sorry, but they were just too Shelley-like, making you feel like they care and promising to keep in touch, but then acting like you’re total strangers. They’re relatives but not family. I don’t want to be just another name on one’s friend list. Other sites don’t matter but Facebook is different. That’s the one place I expect you to be for real. It irritates the hell out of me when people create accounts under bogus names. I can understand when some need to do so to avoid stalkers, but when you do it for other reasons it makes me wonder if you’re hiding something.

Funny how Andy’s not a relative but is family while Sharyn, Deb and Michelle are cousins but not family. The original plan was to wait till Norma died so as not to hurt her feelings when and if she notices I let her kids go, but not only is Norma bound to live forever at the rate she’s going, but I have a right to live my life, too. Sometimes we really have to do what’s best for us and not worry how others will take it. She saw the “warning” I posted just for her and her daughters’ viewing saying I was considering deleting those I don’t hear from anyway, and she “liked” it. I think they just felt bad for me when I lost my parents and bad for what they put me through, then remembered that they didn’t necessarily care for “crazy” Jodi. No hard feelings, though.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2014 It’s a good thing I woke up on my own at 6:30 because I forgot to set the alarm. Where keeping a schedule was getting tough and my hours were jumping ahead way too fast, now it’s slowed down and gotten easier. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve been trying an experiment Tom suggested. No lying down during the daytime. I would sometimes veg out for 5-10 minutes once or twice throughout the day in between tasks just to sort my thoughts or whatever, but now I must stay out of bed until at least 8 hours before I want to get up. Then I must stay in bed after that. No getting up to check my blog visitor list or email or anything like that. I can read, but I gotta stay in bed. This is to help keep me rested for the 4 appointments I will have over the next 8 days.

Got a message from Tammy after not hearing much from her and suspecting something was up. Sure enough, there is good news and bad news. The bad is that now she needs shoulder surgery. It’s arthritis-related, apparently.

She was telling me she had to take thyroid medication once (something other than what I’m taking), but only for 4 or 5 years. As I told her, though, the doctor told me I’d probably have to take my levothyroxine for the rest of my life. If I don’t my thyroid might eventually turn cancerous. I’ll probably always need the Simvastatin too, especially since I’m at a greater risk for heart disease.

I’ll probably always be big, but since starting the medication I’ve had fewer bouts of fatigue and it’s amazing how much better my ear is, too. The ear isn’t connected to the thyroid, though. The problem all along since leaving Arizona (not that I miss that shit state that loves you if you’re black, Indian, Asian and whatnot, but hates you if you’re gay, Jewish and sometimes just cuz you’re white) was the elevation in Oregon and the extreme dryness here. We’re on for rain again next week. Of course we are now that we’re smart enough to get a humidifier!

This area may be too dry and too cold in the winter, but it’s an ideal climate for runners. No extreme cold to have to deal with or snow and ice to have to dodge.

Anyway, where I’m excited for Tammy is that she and Mark have decided there’s nothing for them in Connecticut and are putting their house on the market in May or June and heading for Florida. She said it’ll be way smaller than they’re used to, but at least there they can do something any day of the year and will have lots of water all around them. They’re going to Stewart, I guess. Mark’s also been dealing with some serious shit at work, but hopefully their remodeling business will do well there. A 2600-square-foot house on a couple of acres is too much for them with all their medical problems.

She thinks the rats are hilarious. I’ve changed many people’s outlook on rats and will probably do so all my life. It’s pretty cool when one of the people who will never see rats the same again is your sister. Wild rats can carry diseases, yes, and they can be destructive little devils, but for the most part, they’re like gay people - picked on, shit on, misunderstood and ousted for no reason other than cuz they are who they are.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2014 I was taking a shower, reached for my bath gloves, and next thing I know I’m wearing my wedding band again! It had come off when I last pulled the glove off. I’ve got to be more careful now that I’ve begun losing weight.

Had no trouble getting up when I wanted to today, even though I thought I would, and I haven’t had any bad dreams.

Don’t know if I’ll make my ear appointment, but my eyes, teeth and toe will be no problem.

Wish I had more to say but there’s really nothing else going on. I’m a little worried about Nane, though, but hopefully I’ll hear from her soon.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2014 No thyroid surgery needed! Whew! But there were a couple of funny nodules on the left thyroid (though nothing to suggest an underlying malignancy at this time) that would explain why I got a “flash” of a bad vibe as she was rubbing the image scanner over that side of my neck. The negative vibe was gone almost as fast as it came. I mentioned it to Tom on our way out but wasn’t worried. Especially since I wasn’t having nightmares. Nightmares are my number one warning of trouble ahead.

Instead, I slept fantastically last night and had mostly weird dreams. Me talking to an imaginary friend in front of Tom, knowing he’d think I’d gone crazy. My dead dad wanting to buy me a parcel of land.

Anyway, I still have to take the medication, as Tom said, because I definitely will develop thyroid cancer in the future if I don’t. Without the medication the thyroid struggles harder to produce hormones it can no longer produce on its own. It would take years, but it would eventually sprout cancerous growths.

Significant weight loss is looking less likely but that’s okay. I’m big enough to keep perverts and other trouble away, but not so big I can’t bend over or anything like that.

Despite being glad to see the experts tell me everything’s fine even though my intuitive/psychic side said not to worry, I wish I could stop worrying as much as I do. I guess it’s just in my nature, though. I used to dwell on the past too much. Now I worry about the future too much. I think if I had to choose, it was better being stuck in the past because the past can never change or become any worse than it was no matter how much it may’ve been bad enough. But with the future… anything goes.

Later…

Andy and I got into it early (though we kissed and made up, LOL) about stupid shit we both misread. You know how it’s easy to read things into something online that isn’t even there. He thought I wasn’t buying his ability to pay his bills when I asked about his schedule, which has been different lately than I last knew it to be. If anything I thought business was booming so much that he had to cut back, not that he’d lost accounts. I believe what he tells me. If he told me that he could make himself invisible, jump 50 feet in the air, and run 100 MPH, then I’d have trouble believing him. Otherwise, there’s no reason for me to think anything he told me wasn’t true.

Then I got pissed cuz for the thousandth time he said I’d be working if I didn’t have Tom, sleep disorder or not. And for the thousandth time, I told him I would still be on disability and that I was terminated because I got married. I know what they told me. I was there. And I’m just telling him what they told me. It’s fucked up and totally unfair, but that’s the way the system is. Even more unfair is that I can’t get the benefits reinstated no matter how many doctors diagnose me because I didn’t work enough years to “qualify” between 1994 and now. How many times do I have to explain this to him? I asked myself in exasperation, but then I felt bad for accusing him of trying to irritate me in ways that he was in fact not.

So neither of us is perfect and we both make mistakes at times. I appreciate his being glad I forgave him and that he never wants to offend or lose me. I feel the same way. :) He’s like family to me, annoying at times or not. But hey, we all get annoying sometimes, even me.

Do I think I could’ve made it on my own had they cut me off for some other twisted reason if I hadn’t met and married Tom? Honestly? Knowing my body, no, I don’t think I could make it no matter what was at stake. I can go without sleep here and there but not every single day of my life. I’m glad I’ll never have to find out, though, and if I’m right, then maybe God really doesn’t give us more than we can handle. If this is true, then maybe part of why He blessed me with Tom was to save my ass cuz maybe they would’ve cut me for some other fucked up reason. They damn near killed us both by cutting his unemployment too soon in 2011, so why not? We’ll never know for sure and that’s ok with me! I’m just grateful that I have a husband that loves me enough to take care of me in ways that I can’t since the government will never give a shit about me any more than they do most folks.

First chance I get to sue them silly (if the laws ever change) and to get my benefits reinstated, I’m going for it! I don’t expect this to happen, but I’d fight for my benefits if I could. They’d probably only be 1 or 2 hundred bucks a month but that’s not the point. The point is that anyone who can’t work should be given disability checks regardless of marital status, age, race, color, sexuality, etc.

Do I still blame God just as much as those who have abused me? I do. We’d blame any friend or family member who didn’t come to our defense if someone was trying to harm us. Well, he not only didn’t come to my defense where my mother was concerned, but he also saw to it that she led a pretty decent life up until her final year or so. IDK, sometimes I’m not sure what to think or believe. I guess it depends on my mood and the situation at hand. It’s always easier to see the good in life when you’re in a good mood and things are going well. But when you’re in a shitty mood and everything’s going wrong, you tend to see nothing but evil.

Good mood, bad mood… I still can’t believe how evil and twisted Arizona is. A bill to allow the discrimination of ANY group is truly barbaric, wrong, insane and so dark ages. What’s scary is that this opens the door for more insanity. Really, what’s next? A bill that allows you to murder gays, Jews or whites because of your own personal warped religious beliefs? What is this world coming to? We favor blacks, we hate gays, and then we consider most everyone else “in the middle?” Texas used to be my most hated state, but Arizona sure changed that 14 years ago and then some more with their “Let’s Pick on Gays” bill. Even if I’d never ever been attracted to another woman in my life, I would still feel as disgusted and appalled by it as I do. I judge others based on their behavior and not their color or sexual preference, and I’m not going to apologize for how I feel, for to do so would be apologizing for being real.

Life would be close to perfect at least for me if I could just find my damn wedding band! I had just gotten into bed last night when I was hit with an image of the Robo vac sucking it up, but a search of the trash, which was where I emptied it out, turned up nothing. Nada. Niente. Nichts. :( It’s probably behind the bed unless the rats are hiding it.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2014 Went into panic mode last night when I was still awake after being up for 20 hours. For some reason, I thought my appointments were the week after next, though one of them is. Next week is eye, teeth and toe and then next week it’s ear. The ear is iffy, but I’m bound and determined to make the other 3 no matter how much I am not looking forward to them. I still think my eye pressure will be down and my thyroid won’t have any funny growths if she can ever get around to posting my ultrasound results online, but I’m still nervous.

A part of me wanted to drop dead last night for the first time since 2011 when it looked like we’d lose it all. The thought of battling this type of sleep disorder for another 30 years or so and knowing there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it is truly overwhelming and depressing at times. Tom said to quit trying so hard and stop taking things to help me sleep. Might as well. They’re not doing me any good anymore anyway. Not the Benadryl, not the Melatonin, not the wine. What am I going to do when I get old, though, (if I live that long) and have to see doctors every week like most old folks do? How the hell am I going to handle that???

I hate the devil and God above and whatever the hell else may’ve cursed me with this debilitating issue that is more than I can handle at times. Please tell me I did something really horrible in a past life – I mean REALLY horrible – to deserve this shit! Meanwhile, I will not let Him/they/it/whatever win. I WILL get to at least the 3 appointments scheduled for next week, even though I’m sure that after getting up at 7:30 I’ll be up till 3am - 4am. Really I’m not even going to try to get to bed at a decent hour. It’s just that my schedule’s jumped nearly 8 fucking hours in just 2 days. That’s way fast for me. I can’t afford to keep going that fast because the appointments aren’t till the 25th, 26th and 28th.

I was almost ready to cancel all the appointments and even stop taking my meds. Why take cholesterol medication when I can just watch what I eat? Also, my thyroid condition isn’t life-threatening. Worst case scenario I just stop losing weight. I’ll probably naturally gain back the 4 pounds I lost anyway, even if I keep dieting and exercising. For me, it’s more a matter of how much I eat and not what I eat. I’m more likely to lose weight if I have 4 candy bars in a day than 2000 calories of fresh fish. Either way, without thyroid medication I can at least stay the same weight so long as I run. I will make a decision later on. Right now I have enough on my plate just getting to my appointments. Thank you, God, for making such simple everyday shit so damn hard for me and even downright impossible at times.

Later…

Thanks to Fuckbook now posting news headlines on newsfeeds, I get to see all the sorry shit going on in this world. Arizona passed a bill allowing the legal discrimination of gays. Only Arizona could do something that sick, but they sure love you if you’re black. Blacks, Mexicans, Indians and Asians are perfectly welcomed and favored there, but you’re fucked if you’re gay, Jewish or just plain white. You’re fucked even more if you’re dealing with non-white opponents in the courts, and yes, I’m speaking from firsthand experience and not just what I’ve heard others go through. See why I’ve come to hate that state so much, though? Really, I can’t believe I lived there for 12 years and 2 days. The thought of just placing a single toe into that state makes me pretty sick to my stomach.

Maybe God really does hate gays, though I honestly found it hard to believe that any God could hate any particular group as a whole. Why allow them to exist if He did? I don’t doubt for a millisecond, though, that He can hate individuals; I just don’t know why. Maybe if there is an afterlife He can tell me why he’s had it in for me for so much of my life… abused by my mother, then by the system, then thrown into poverty, and hopefully now He’s not gearing up to make me a medical whore. Still, God is like people.

People: If you don’t adore blacks you’re a real shit, but if you hate gays you’re so damn cool.

God: I’ll kill the innocent child with cancer or let mommy kill it in a fit of rage, but I’ll let the cold-blooded murderer walk and maybe even win the lottery.

Later…

Let’s see, aside from Arizona allowing people to use God/religion as an excuse to be legal bigots, I’m still in a foul and worrisome mood. Just got a lot more going on than I’ve had in a while and it’s not about fun submarine rides, warm beaches or a pleasant day here in the park. It’s I can’t sleep and I wanna stop having so many damn doctor’s appointments! I read that apples give you the same energy caffeine does, so I had an apples-and-cream fruit cup upon waking up and it did seem to perk me up a bit. I’m still tired for the most part, though, but just like always I’m sure I’ll wake right up come evening time. I’ll be up till around 2am - 3am and need to be up by 8am. So another night of fewer than 8 hours of sleep for me. Want me to be a little street bum instead, God?

I got up at 4am, exhausted as hell with barely 4 hours of sleep, which is like 4 minutes to me, and Tom was filling the humidifier’s water tanks. That’s when I looked up and saw a wasp inside the panels of the kitchen’s drop-down ceiling. Must’ve come in through the stove vent. There was a dead one there when Tom cleaned that vent. sighs Sometimes I wish I could stand to live in an apartment or condo toward the top of a high-rise. Fewer bugs, less traffic noise if we were high enough, no yard work… But the yard work helps Tom keep active since he doesn’t run like I do, so he doesn’t mind too much.

When Tom pointed out that I could easily make next week’s appointments if I start with getting up at 8am and slowly inching forward, I went back to bed till 7:30. I was surprised to beat the alarm by even the half-hour I beat it by, but like I said, I’m sure tonight will be worse and tomorrow even harder. It’s after 11pm now and I’m dragging in a fog. By 6pm - 7pm I’ll spring to life and be wide awake. I know myself.

Despite how out of it and frustrated I feel, I was glad to learn that Eileen did get my postcard from Hawaii after all, and I also got a letter from my Italian dad. He’s got high blood pressure and his kidneys aren’t doing too well, but is otherwise keeping busy with the business. He says that’s what keeps him from moving to a nicer climate.

Hearing him mention the “young” 41-year-old who’s been helping him out put a smile on my face. He said he’d marry her if she wasn’t so young and that for him they’re either too young or too old, LOL.

He said he’d never have the guts to go in a submarine. Yeah, I suppose there is some risk to that. If the thing had flooded at 130 feet down, well… But it probably wouldn’t have been instantaneous and we probably could’ve swum to the top. Still, I’m glad it didn’t and that we didn’t have to find out for sure if we could make it or not.

Heard from C, after all. He said he’s not on Facebook much. He’s smart and I don’t blame him.

sighs I want to go lie down for a bit and rest, but am afraid I may fall asleep. Ain’t life grand? I gotta worry about falling asleep when I DON’T want to, and struggle to fall asleep when I DO want to. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Not kill myself or anything like that, but simply cease to exist.

What other stupid shit are people up to in the news these days? Oh yeah, an artist smashed a million-dollar vase in Miami in protest of it showing off only international artists. What a dumb-ass thing to do. Really, why spend years in prison and pay a shitload of money in fines when you can simply not bother with that museum and find one that will showcase your artwork? Then again, keeping in mind how twisted the laws are, maybe nothing much will happen to him. You know how it is… steal thousands of dollars, beat someone up, and you’ll get shit for it. Write down that your personal opinion of someone who’s not gay, though, and you’re screwed.

Later…

Now I have one more reason to be upset; I lost my wedding band. Funny cuz the woman who last lived here lost hers, too. What, does this house have something against married women? I only take it off when putting lotion on my feet, so it’s got to be either by this desk or by the bed. It can’t fall off cuz I’m too fat for it to do so, which is one of the reasons I don’t mind staying big.

If it was on the desk and fell off, the rats might’ve gotten it. The problem with rats is that they’re kleptos and they would have hidden it somewhere. I checked all the places they could hide it in… around the bed, around the desk, then said to myself, “Stop. Just stop. This is stupid. You know you never find things when you’re looking for them.”

So, I’ll stumble upon it when I least expect it. Like I said, it’s got to be here somewhere. At the same time, I fear I’ll never find it. If I had to guess, though, I probably will find it by accident someday.

Both my long and short-term memories are going to hell so badly that I can’t remember the last time I had it on, but I know it was a day or two ago, three at the most.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2014 So Kathy sent Alison a message on Facebook accusing her of harassing her and Kim from “Rina Tina’s” account, which she promptly blocked without answering. I’d have done the same. As she said, she wouldn’t dignify her accusations with a defense. I guess Kathy also thinks one of us wanted to friend her from a fake account, but as she also said, cruel sounding or not, she’s a stay-at-home mom who no doubt spends all day updating every single trick her fat brat has learned and posting tons of “cutsie” pics. She’s not interested in that any more than I am.

Everywhere I go people’s kids are practically shoved down my throat with their unrestrained antics. Do I need to deal with this shit at home and in cyberspace, no thanks! So if she had to dump me, she picked a great time to do it.

As I told Aly, though, I refuse to mention her, Kim or Molly in my blog. They simply don’t exist for me anymore and that’s the way I’m going to keep it whether or not I exist for them.

It’s hard to say if I do or not. There have been no Austin or Brownwood visitors, which would mean Molly or Kathy were nosing in it, but Kim likes to hide, so I can’t say if she’s following me. I had my first Ask account wide open for a week, but nothing came in, so if Kim wasn’t interested in me there, it’s hard to believe she’d be interested in my tweets and blogs. Depends on how paranoid and delusional she truly is.

Later…

Got lost on the way to the medical plaza, but got there in time for my ultrasound once we finally found the Diagnostic Imaging section. I guess in a day or two I can access my results online, which will hopefully not include anything suspicious.

Last night I had disturbing dreams, slept later than I wanted to, and then I woke up to find I hadn’t lost any more weight.

It was one of those old “find enough money for another night in the hotel or go homeless” dreams, only this was a nice hotel with lots of water around it. Hawaii? Florida? Wherever it was, I hated that feeling of utter helplessness I had as Tom and I scurried around the grounds trying to figure out what to do.

At one point during the dream, I was in the room when the housekeeper knocked on the door. We brought our Robo vac of all things and I told her to hang on a moment while I stopped and hid the thing. When I opened the door, she goes, “What are you, high?”

Not bothering to hide how offended I was, I said, “No, I’m crying.”

Then I thought of calling my dad who was still alive and still at the number we had when I was a kid.

I was up forever yesterday and knew I had to catch up and that another day of fewer than 8 hours of sleep would really make me feel all yucky and useless. So I slept 2 ½ hours later than I’d have liked to, but will make myself get up earlier tomorrow no matter what. Yeah, this time around it seems much harder to control my schedule, but I don’t have enough time to flip it either. So in order to avoid getting too run down, I’ll catch up every other day which will be the days I’ll work out.

Later…

Wondering if C’s ignoring the message I sent him yesterday saying hi. Haven’t communicated since August and sometimes I wonder why. Because I haven’t donated lately? Something I said?

I wish Andy weren’t home so damn much. He only works something like 20 hours a week and is almost always online. Can’t he go out more to exercise and lose the weight he wants to lose instead of staying home complaining he’s 235 pounds and how hard it is to tie his shoes and wipe his ass? I know I don’t have to respond the instant he checks in on Ask, but still, if he must be home so often, I wish he’d be busy with other things more often than he is. If I ignore him for too long I start to feel guilty.

Later…

After today we’re going to be in the low 70s for several days. I still miss Maui. I’d rather the drought from hell than snow, but at least some patches of green are now visible here and there. The cherry and apple trees began blooming a week or two ago and are so beautiful. Mid-February through April is the prettiest time here. It doesn’t compare to the beauty of Maui or most other tropical locations, but it’s the most colorful time for NorCal even though we have flowers year-round here. The only problem with the cherry and apple trees is that they’re so ugly in the summertime. They turn a deep plum/maroon color that’s dull as hell.

Ran down a street I never ran through when running and found the road a bit beat up and the houses there to be more cramped and dumpier. I guess the older section is close to the office, which makes sense. They probably set up homes starting in that area before expanding outward. Clearly, those were homes built in the 70s. I still can’t believe we’re in an 80s home, though most of the ones around us are 90s and newer. Anyway, I made the run in the same 22 minutes I made it yesterday. I really should stay out longer for around 30 minutes. It’s just that I like the idea of passing the same houses only once where each step I take is truly unique. Doubling back adds time to the run, but I don’t get to see something new with every step I take.

Yesterday’s stop at Raley’s after the ultrasound was a waste of time and money. I got a high-cholesterol meal I forgot I shouldn’t be having (bacon-wrapped scallops) and that was rather high in calories, too. I also got some wine coolers thinking they’d help relax me enough to fall asleep faster, but they’re not helping much anymore. Maybe I’ve built up a tolerance for them and all they’ll bring me from now on is extra calories I don’t need.

I see a lot of people are disturbed about a spanking bill that’s been passed. I can understand their problem with it, and violence never solves problems, be it a little slap or a hard punch and kick, but something’s gotta be done. Something. Kids today are simply way out of control. If the parents aren’t going to teach them manners, respect, consideration and discipline, then it must fall upon the teachers to do so. Children are tomorrow’s future. Do we really want a bunch of unruly, selfish animals running the world at some point?

I can’t even go to the store without some kid screaming in my ear. Even in the waiting room of the medical center, a toddler was running up and down the hallways. An adult was with it, but still, that’s not the place to exercise your brat.

Later…

Nane told me she had big-time personal problems, was a little burned out, was drinking wine, and going to sleep early. That’s all she said. She didn’t give me any details. Is it money problems? Health problems? Askim problems? I’m guessing money or health. Maybe it’s connected to her job, but if it is, that could also be connected to money if she’s on the verge of being let go. Maybe she’ll tell me what’s going on some time.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2014 Slept less than 8 hours and was exhausted when the alarm went off. Not liking the idea of having to play alarm for 13 more days to get through this next batch of appointments, so I’m thinking I’ll let myself catch up tomorrow, then hold my schedule at whatever time I get up for the next few days. That way it won’t jump so much so fast.

Dropped another two-tenths and got up at 148.2 pounds which would’ve been about 147.8 had I slept as long as I needed to.

Today’s my ultrasound. They wanted to do it yesterday evening at 7:15, but that was too late for both of us. No bad dreams suggesting any suspicious growths, but I did have a weird dream where I looked in the mirror and saw a different face. Instead of a full face with green eyes and brown waves, I had an absolutely humungous face with little sunken round black eyes and black spiral curls.

Anyway, I’m hoping to find the energy to run a bit today, but will probably just end up lazing around. Vacuumed the whole house yesterday and didn’t have to lift a finger. The slave did the back of the house, charged up at the charging station, then did the front.

Some older guy shot up an SUV of black teens blasting music. It’s about fucking time, regardless of the SUV’s occupant’s age/color! Maybe now they’ll start considering making it illegal or at least make some of these assholes think before forcing such maddening chaos on others. Mr. Dunn is my hero and I’m sorry he has to spend 20-60 years in prison. He doesn’t deserve that. Blasting those fuckers isn’t much different than literally getting in one’s face while screaming at the top of your lungs. Get in someone’s face unnecessarily and without provocation and some people just might react. Really, I still cannot understand how some people can treat others as they do and then get all offended when the person finally reacts. I still don’t feel a shred of guilt for the words I wrote on paper no matter what any laws say and I never will. The sickos were as crazy as they were rude if they expected me/Tom/us/others not to react, and I think they’ll never know how lucky they were that it was just words on paper cuz I’m sure most would’ve taken it a step further than that after so many years of unasked-for abuse. In fact, I’m sorry I didn’t do more. As fucked as the laws are it probably would’ve gotten me less time than my offensive but harmless reaction got me.

Later…

Ran 1.5 miles at a little over 3 MPH in 22 minutes. Really wish others who are out walking or running at the same time would just ignore me as we pass each other. I’m deaf in one ear and the other has an earbud blaring in it! Let me guess, though, I’m a snob for not always stopping to chat, right? And if I did stop, I’d be nosy, right?

Yeah, as I’ve learned, we’re never universally accepted. Someone’s always got a problem with us no matter what we do. There’s this song – I forget what it’s called or who it’s by – that says, “If you don’t lose weight, you’re just fat. If you do, you’re on crack. So you might as well do what you want.”

If I talk about myself, I’m selfish. If I talk about others, I’m a gossiper. People get on me to be more sociable, but what if I was? If I were a regular little social butterfly how many people would be quick to tell me, “You really oughta spend more time alone and not depend on others so much for fun and entertainment.”

I am amazed people aren’t quick to critique me for running. LOL, why not? They pick on everything else? So if sitting around means I’m lazy, does working out mean I’m running from demons or something?

If I don’t ask about someone, then I don’t care. If I do ask, then hey, it’s none of my business!

At 5:30 I felt a little more awake after food and a shower, but I’m still pretty tired and it’s only 10am. My appointment isn’t for 5 hours. :( The good thing is that I can stop this anytime. Anytime I get sick of all the appointments and whatnot, I can put my foot down and say, “No more!” It’s wonderful knowing that no evil mother, institution or law enforcement is making me do this. I wasn’t kidding when I finally took back my life in 2003 and promised myself I’d never again be treated like a child and slave to any person or system.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2014 The “dream people” told me the night before last that Andy’s neighbor had a baby boy. He confirmed this to be correct when he got up, Jaime Jr. I knew she had a kid, just not what gender till I had the dream.

Now thinking the 4 “skinny” dreams I had were in regards to the discovery of my broken down thyroid and the pills that are now kicking in and giving me the results one SHOULD get from diet and exercise. I don’t remember all of them but in one dream I was in the tub, looked down at myself, and saw I was thin. I don’t want to just be thin, though, I want to be fit. :) Non-cardio days are strength-training days.

The medication has gone beyond helpful and into being close to a miracle. Funny too, cuz I always swore there was no “magic” pill. Well, this has been close enough. I slacked off on both diet and exercise before the trip, and of course the pills don’t kick in right away, then shot up to 152.8 pounds and now I’m down to 148.4. Ideally, I’d like to reach 110, but 120 is probably more realistic. Who knows, though? Maybe I’ll stop getting results at 140 and will be stuck there, though I’d rather that than the 150s.

Our savings is the lowest it’s been in over a year, which sucks big time. We’re not in danger of struggling but we do need to go easy on the spending. We’ll probably still get the dishwasher in a few weeks but will go slow on the rest of the home improvements. We’re IN the damn house and that’s most important than trying to get in one, shitty carpet or not, in the first place. Instead of doing all the carpets and floors in one day, we decided to see if we could get a cheaper place like RC Willey to remove all the carpet but only re-carpet the living room, dining room, and then down the hallway. That way we can move the beds, dressers and desks into the kitchen and bathroom. Then, as time and money permits, we will install new flooring ourselves in the kitchen, baths, bedrooms and laundry room. Cheap carpet is fine for what’s just two adults.

I feel bad for Andy and grateful that next door isn’t attached to us like his neighbor is who just had a baby. When he said he could hear the mother cooing to it, that pretty much told me how thin the walls are unless she coos unusually loud. Sure enough, he can hear the thing when it cries. I reminded him that in a few years, he could check into a retirement community, but he insists that’s his permanent home till he’s either dead or sent to a nursing home.

I was dumping our recyclables when Virginia walked by and asked me how I liked my Hawaiian vacation. She’s been there too, and also loved it. I thanked her for putting our trash out while we were gone. She said Bob thought to do so when he was out walking.

Then she said something like waiting for what was the most family she ever had visit, and I thought to myself, great, just great. Just what I need when my schedule’s where it’s at. But even though there were 5 or 6 vehicles there, I never heard a damn thing. I’d never have known they were there had I not looked out the window and seen all the cars. Tom said there were 3 cars there yesterday too, one with Washington plates, the others with in-state plates. I think she said something about a son in from Denver.

Had someone had all that company in the mainstream there would’ve been car stereos, horns honking, kids running up and down the driveway screaming, barking dogs, lots of shouts and laughter from the adults, music coming from the house, and God knows what else. I did, however, swear the vibration of a car door slamming shut woke me up for a few minutes at 8:30, but it could’ve been anything. It could’ve been someone going too fast over the speed bump in back or just a dream. I know I had a dream about being in a house that was laid out similar to the one we had in Phoenix. Tom was on the couch and I looked out the living room when I heard voices and saw a kid’s bike sitting in front of a car parked in their driveway.

I also had a dream my cousin Phillip owed Tom $300 for work he did for him and I was pissed cuz he wouldn’t pay up.

Later…

Andy and I were talking about how he’s just as obsessed with celebrities as I am with trying to get this damn weight off (which I now have a feeling is going to reset itself back to where it was no matter what I do or how properly I take the medication), and it’s true, we are kind of obsessed with these issues. I think everyone has something they’re hung up on.

“At least I’m talking about someone else,” he tells me, “and it’s not all me, me, me.”

Ah, but if I appear selfish it’s for a good reason, I assure you, and the answer’s very simple. I simply don’t feel it’s my place to publicly air out the lives of others unless they specifically tell me it’s ok to do so. Different people are more private than others and I try to use my best judgment as to what I say about each particular person I know. Celebrities are one thing because they’re public figures, and I told him this, but my friends and family are different.

If I don’t like you then I’m less likely to respect your privacy. That doesn’t mean I’ll divulge sensitive info or deliberately bash you with the intent of offending or embarrassing you, it just means I’m less likely to hold back on expressing my feelings and opinions where you’re concerned.

Meanwhile, if someone tells me a secret I feel obligated to keep that secret both on and offline. So in case any of you are wondering why I don’t always discuss others, now you know.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2014 Down 4.2 pounds and it sure is nice to once again have a body that can burn calories! Was out running at 3am for a half hour and took a slightly different route. I ran down the front gate the way I usually do by sticking to the park’s perimeters, then before I actually reached the gate, I swung left and to the office. From there I took the route I use going to and from the pool back to the house. It’s a good route for in the middle of the night, but not in the daytime when there’s more traffic. Sticking to the outskirts means I only have two streets to cross and no driveways to pass in which people could be backing up into me. It must’ve rained while I slept because the roads were all wet. It made it easier to see, though, cuz the streetlights made them shiny.

My quad muscles weren’t quite healed so now I went and made them worse again by not taking a second day off from running, but oh well. I’m addicted to running and now that I can get the results one should get from dieting and exercise I’m even more motivated. So far I haven’t had to diet that hard. I don’t have to go to 1000 calories or lower like I used to. I can have 1200-1500, so it’s nice not to feel so damn hungry all the time. There was one day it got a little hard and I had to eat extra, but I still lost!

I see what the doctor meant by saying the pills won’t make me lose weight. They just make it possible to do so. If I sat on my ass and stuffed myself I wouldn’t lose anything.

Just like learning languages is like a fun game to me to see how many words I can learn, it will be a fun game of sorts to see how many pounds I can lose, though I know that the more I lose, the harder it will get.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2014 Had an interesting run yesterday morning. It’s amazing how many people are up so early, even before the sun comes up. First I damn near tripped on a sprinkler and killed myself, then the turkeys went off from down in the ditch and scared the shit out of me that’s how loud they are. Then I passed by a lady walking her dog with a muzzle on. It was trying so hard to bark and what sound did come out sounded so fucking funny I had to run even faster to keep from bursting out laughing and freaking the dog out even more, LOL.

First time hitting the open road since before the vacation and now my quad muscles are killing me. I thought that after all the activity in Hawaii and then using the treadmill I’d still be in shape for the road. Wrong! Oh well, today I’ll just work my arms and abs and tomorrow I should be fine for hitting the road again.

Down another two-tenths of a pound, but still can’t say the thyroid pills are helping just yet. Weight loss is so gradual that you really need to lose more than a few pounds to know much of anything. I should definitely know more in another week.

Hope Andy has a great birthday today! I told Tom what he said he had for breakfast yesterday and we were laughing. Not in a bad way of course, but eggs, 4 pieces of toast, 2 bananas and 2 glasses of juice?! That’s a LOTTA food! That’s gotta be about 800-1000 calories, so a pretty big breakfast you could say. I couldn’t eat that much if I were starving and Tom said he’s lucky if he can eat 1 banana in a day cuz they make him so gassy. I could do the eggs, 1 or 2 pieces of toast, 1 banana and 1 juice, but that’s all in one sitting. Huge amount of food or not, I’m sure it was delicious and that’s all that matters, no matter how funny it may seem to me. :)

Sarah sent a brief thanks-for-the-gifts message. No “I really like them” or “they’re a nice color” or “they’ll go well with my new dress,” and nothing at all from Becky. Hope they’re not disappointed in them, but if they are they’re not going to say so. I don’t see why Tammy wouldn’t like the puppy I sent her, but does Becky not like her shell necklace or is she just ungrateful? Guess I’ll never know.

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day, she posted that “love stinks.” LOL, yeah, if I looked like her I’d probably say the same thing, poor kid.

Later…

Looked at Doctor C’s pics again and again I really liked what I saw. If someone showed me pics of her doing handstands on beaches in bikinis and parading around in sexy costumes at parties, then told me she’d be my doctor, I don’t know if I’d be more alarmed or intrigued, haha.

She’s a hottie for a light-eyed blondie. Almost in a model-ish sort of way. She’s the type that stays thin and lovely all through life. She rarely wears nail polish or even makeup, but she’s so beautiful naturally that she doesn’t need it.

Not so sure anymore that she’s dating that black guy. She seems to be a very happy, upbeat, outgoing social butterfly with friends from every different race and nationality on earth. She’s shown appearing to be just as chummy with other men and women, especially this small Asian chick. There was even a pic of them gazing lovingly at each other with the caption “girl love,” so I don’t know what to think. She’s definitely childless and isn’t married, though.

Anyway, she may have a drab mop on her head and dull eyes, but oh, that body, that height and that gorgeous smile! Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like not to be me. What if I was that tall, that beautiful, that normal?

The account doesn’t appear to have been updated since last August, so who knows if she got my message, or if Facebook even let it get to her in the first place.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2014 Finally saw the movie Eden, about the true story of a young girl who was kidnapped and forced into prostitution. But it made no sense. The girls had plenty of opportunities to escape and cry for help but never took advantage of it. Neither did they consider the fact that there were about 30 of them but just a few captors. Why didn’t they all jump and attack them and then get the hell out of there?

Went into my first my-diary account to check something and was amazed to see it’s been shared to Google 23 times, shared once on Facebook, and tweeted twice.

Dropped another two-tenths of a pound but that’s only because I slept forever. Still don’t know how much the thyroid pills are affecting me just yet, but whether or not I lose anymore over the next week will tell me.

I sure have been dreaming a lot about the ocean since returning from Maui. I think I even swam in a lake at some point, too. Never really cared for lakes. My German hottie, who wished me, Tom and the ratties a happy Valentine’s Day with a cute rat pic, was in one of the dreams. She sounded English, LOL.

This isn’t a complaint but just an observation instead. I’ve noticed that a few of my friends and I seem to be total duplicates while others seem to be exact opposites when it comes to our likes, dislikes, habits and our ways of thinking and doing things. I’m like wow, can two people really be that similar or dissimilar?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2014 In regards to my entry about being unsure as to what to believe in as far as unearthly sources go, someone said, “That’s a reasonable outlook. A person’s beliefs are such a personal thing and definitely something to give some deep thought. The world would be a better place with karma doing its job. But I just can’t believe in it for so many reasons. Interesting entry!”

Yeah, just seeing how good my abusive mother had it up until her final year of life alone is enough to make me doubt karma.

Good people often have it rough. Bad people often have it sweet and fine. Alison may not be perfect, and she’s the first to admit this, but I know her well enough to say with certainty that she’s a decent person overall. Sure enough, though, she’s still medically cursed. When she had that abscessed tooth she bit a hole in her tongue and her gut feeling says she’ll have to have surgery on it. :(

I vaguely remember a dream where Michelle performed a “preliminary” ultrasound of my thyroid and might’ve urged me to check into it. Hopefully, that’s not a bad sign cuz there is a possibility of it having goiters, which could turn cancerous. If that’s the case then they need to remove the damn thing.

Now down 3.2 pounds but since I could always lose a few pounds I’m still not 100% sure the pills are helping. I need another week or two to know for sure. If things are still the same then my weight will go into reset mode within the next week. Meanwhile, I’m still running, crunching and lifting.

Andy said I might want to delete my vacation pics someday. No way! That was the BEST vacation I ever had and I love those pics. He said his mother said that unless he’s in it, people don’t want to see scenery pics, yet everyone else who’s seen the album loved the green grass and mountains, the coconut palms, the resort, the beaches, and the sea, both under and on the water. Besides, I’m still huge and ugly. Why would anyone want to see pics of me?

Sam’s Clubs gives out free gifts for you taking the time to watch the presentations they do, and they gave Tom a cleaning shammy the last time around. It’s a super-soft cloth and it did an excellent job of eliminating streaks from mirrors with no water or chemicals whatsoever.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2014 More signs that the thyroid pills are kicking in. Before, a cup of coffee would put half a pound on me, and of course a full-blown meal would jack me up 2-3 pounds within a half-hour of eating it. But earlier I had a cup of coffee and a protein bar and was barely up half a pound. So unless something up there is doing a damn good job of teasing me or I had more water retention than I realized, this could very well be it! If the control is truly in my hands now, then next comes deciding how much I want to lose. Maybe I’ll just lose a little, maybe a moderate amount, or maybe I’ll skin myself down to nothing. I doubt I could get under 120, so I’m going to take the I’ll-lose-what-I-can attitude and leave the rest to fate. Meanwhile, I’m working out daily. Enough to help make a difference but not too much at this point because I don’t want to make myself hungrier.

I just hope the nightmare I had doesn’t mean anything. If I had to guess I’d say it’s probably nothing to worry about. But still, I have 4 appointments between the 25th - 3rd and I wonder what shit may come up at that time. More cavities at the dentist? More pain than anticipated when getting my ingrown toenail taken care of? I can’t imagine what the ear doctor might say, and of course I don’t even want to think of what may come up with the eye exam. We haven’t yet scheduled my ultrasound or sleep appointments.

Later…

Saw a movie based on a true story about a young girl who worked at a hospital. She was murdered and then she ended up possessing her old coworker to get her to bring the guy to justice. Once she got what she wanted, she never possessed or contacted the woman again.

If half of this story is true then that goes to show there is no God dishing out karma to those who wrong us and get away with it at least where the law’s concerned, and if there is one, it sure likes to sit back and let the devil take over at times without a care in the world. Really, why did SHE have to be the one to do the right thing from the other side?

I still don’t know what to believe for sure as far as ghosts, the afterlife, God or the devil go. No one’s ever jumped down from the sky, shook my hand and introduced themselves as God. I’ve never been dead and so I can’t say if there’s an afterlife, unless I was reincarnated and don’t remember my last life. I’ve never seen a ghost with my own eyes, though I have had some strange experiences like with the Maricopa land being haunted and what I think might’ve been my foster mom. Maybe I wouldn’t even know what to think where dream premonitions are concerned if I hadn’t experienced them firsthand. I know that just because I haven’t seen or experienced something myself doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t exist, but sometimes it’s hard to believe what I can’t see. When all you hear are stories that could be wishful thinking or hallucinations for all you know, you just don’t know what to believe for sure.

Somebody’s rat bastards have been “marking” her Robo vac with piss. Yeah, these pissaholics are quite territorial, alright. And do they go run and hide when someone comes to the door? Hell no! Instead, they have to charge the door with me as if it’s some kind of race or contest to see who can get to it first. rolls eyes But I do love my pissing, curious critters, LOL.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2014 Really hope last night’s nightmare doesn’t mean more medical trouble or other trouble is ahead for me. It didn’t leave me with an ominous feeling, but anyone like me is always concerned after these types of dreams.

There were two dreams. First I remember diving into a big wave in the ocean (Maui again?), and then the trip seemed to get rather rough. Something about not getting transportation or something like that and there might’ve been an issue of money. Tom and I were talking to a young guy and Tom was saying that “the woman” who I’m guessing coordinated the trip, said he shouldn’t have to be the one to call and bitch about it and that he should let her take care of that.

Then the young guy comes out and says, “You two should leave each other.”

“Why?” I said. “In the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve been through a lot worse than this.”

He said, “No, I mean you two should split up and divide the tasks that need to be done today.”

We laughed and agreed that might be a good idea.

The second dream got a little scary. They (don’t ask who “they” were) were going to throw me in a pit of fire in a hole in the ground that was perhaps 12 feet deep. There were about 10 others in the area, including Tom. Most were standing but I was sitting down. Not sure if it was a “legal” execution or not or what it was I supposedly did to be tossed into a fiery hell, but as the enormity of it began to sink in, I said to Tom, “What a helluva way to go. I was really hoping to die in my sleep of old age. This is really going to hurt, isn’t it?”

He wore a dubious expression.

I thought of telling him that I’ve noticed that the guy doing the “executions” leaves as soon as he sends the person down into the fire and so maybe he could try to pull me back up, but figured the others would stop him from doing so. But before I could speak Tom might’ve said something about trying to let myself burn up as fast as I can.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2014 Quick update while the rats are out playing. My ear is still better and I’m down nearly 3 pounds, but unfortunately, it’s probably due to water loss now that my period is over, and not the thyroid pills kicking in and working along with diet and exercise. I’m not dieting much yet. Just eating healthy and in reasonable portions. It feels good to be running, lifting and crunching again. I miss road running, but schedules and weather got in the way of that for a while. I should be back out there soon.

This week I’m cleaning the house a section at a time and doing a super thorough job since I’ve been neglecting it since before the vacation.

Created an account on Penzu that automatically keeps all journal entries private unless you choose to share any particular entries, which can be done anonymously or not. I’m basically using it as another backup. Sites change, accounts get hacked, sites shut down (such as in the case of Open Diary and My Dear Diary), so multiple backups are always a good thing.

I update Histofme monthly.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2014 My nieces’ updates are the usual – revenge, fights against cancer, sisterly love, and of course they love their abusive daddy oh so much.

Eileen didn’t get my postcard cuz she, her husband, and her 90-year-old mother moved to a cheaper place, and Irene asked if I’d been in touch with Nane. Has Nane been ignoring her or something?

I’m shocked to say this but I think I finally broke free of the trolls. I had my first Ask account open for a few days as a test, yet nothing came in at all, let alone that smelled of them. Molly’s online time may be very limited, though. As for Kim, if she’s as crazy as I came to think she was, then she may still think I’m conspiring against her on a regular basis, but if not, then she’s probably no longer reading my journal.

I seem to have a local visitor in Sacramento and Roseville. I think there may be more than one, and while I’d like to think it’s connected to my dentist or Dr. C, it’s probably just random. Could be coming from the park, but I doubt it. Then again, it could also be a BOT, which may be why TIP isn’t picking it up. Google doesn’t give IP#s, so I can’t run it to see if it’s a suspected proxy or whatever.

Again I wish Andy had less free time online. Ask is fun, but not a dozen times a day. No one can make me respond to him the instant he checks in, though. I can wait a few hours between check-ins. He may wonder why I’m not there as much and act like I’m hardly ever there at all, but tough. Seriously, though, he lives online and only sleeps 4 hours a night.

The rain came down with a vengeance all through last night but is now tapering off.

Andy continues to amaze and surprise me. Yeah, just when we think we know all there is to know about someone, LOL. He partook in a couple of sleep studies, which Tom says is common for those with his type of problem.

I also didn’t realize he had a soul mate, let alone a female one. I always considered soul mates to be those we married or at least lived with for the rest of our lives, but no matter how many times you unmarried Tom and I, and no matter how much distance you put between us, we’re still soul mates. Funny, though, for a guy who’s mostly attracted to guys to have a female soul mate while I, predominately attracted to women, have a male soul mate.

I think I also have a bit of a crush on my newest doctor (yeah, keep this health shit up and I’m gonna have a real collection of doctors that’ll outnumber my damn doll collection). Anyway, it’s harmless, hee hee. She doesn’t take my breath away or anything like that as I don’t usually go for light eyes and hair, but she’s tall and has a beautiful smile and body.

I was snooping around in her Facebook photos. Then again is it really snooping when the things are public? I just get curious about who I’m dealing with, and back in the 80s and 90s when I was last seeing doctors we couldn’t look them up like we can now.

The humidifier is still helping my ear. So we paid the quack doctor up in Oregon over $100 to be worthless while all these years later I go to Hawaii and accidentally discover what was making it ache so much.

Well geez, Doc, I guess I should’ve gone to medical school. Or maybe not. Scheduleless or not, I still prefer writing, languages and singing to blood, puke, piss, shit and other ungodly gore.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2014 God, I can’t get that place off my mind! Had you asked me where I wanted to live someday I could’ve named a number of places, but not actual towns or cities. I had my general ideas. Now I could say “Ka’anapali, Hawaii” with certainty.

Had to laugh at how disappointed I was to return to California, the very state I dreamed of living in so many times, especially as a kid. It sure was nice, though, to return to a home of our own and not someone else’s dumpy old trailer.

I didn’t just love the weather but the appearance of the place as well. If you love colorful flowers and palm trees, that’s the place to be, though I’m sure Florida has enough of that as well. Florida would be a little hotter in the summer, which would make hanging outdoors a bit more uncomfortable, but would also keep the pools and ocean from being as chilly as a few cloudy days can make them.

Maui is the perfect place, minus the costs. It was like one big party that never ended, though I understand that those that live there are working if they’re not retired, and not running off to submarine rides every day. Unless they work on one.

For now, we should still be here for years even if it’s not for 14 years. So we may as well make it as comfortable as we can. We’ll probably get the new dishwasher in the next week or two. We probably won’t get the carpet for another month or two when we won’t be wasting heat with open doors. Then there’s painting, new drapes, new flooring, etc. I just want to personalize it, worn-out carpet and shit or not, and make it more our place than the last people’s place.

In case I forgot to say, the island we sailed to might’ve been the Oahu island and it was in the town of Lanai.

Later…

Hawaii must miss me as much as I miss it cuz we’ve had more rain here in the last 3 days than we’ve had in the last 3 years, and it’s coming from Hawaii. I love it! It just has to come down really hard here for me to hear it on the patio and carport roofs which are made of the same metal the trailer’s roof was made of. In a real house, you don’t hear what you can hear in a trailer.

Really wish I was on days now so I could enjoy knowing the rain would keep the landscapers away. It’s quiet at night anyway no matter what the weather is.

So my nutty husband and I call the Robo vac Rosie and now I’m calling the new humidifier Maui. Since bringing Maui’s humidity inside our NorCali home my ear has been fine. To think I suffered on and off for a decade just to go to Hawaii and discover the cure for it is amazing! But I’m not 100% sure this is the answer to easing its aches and pains just yet. It’s too soon. I’ve gone a week or two without discomfort many times. If it is I’ll be thrilled, but I also know God will be sure to replace me with a whole new long-term problem that will make my life just as annoying.

Just got off the treadmill not too long ago. The thing has 6 programmed workouts. I’m in shape enough for one of the intensity workouts, but two of them I won’t even try, LOL. Not yet anyway.

Because it could be another month before my hormone levels are adjusted, I’m not “dieting” yet but I am slowly preparing myself by eating a little less and a little smarter than I have been these last couple of weeks. Why start really dieting now before the meds are tweaked since it wouldn’t do me any good? I will always do my best, however, to exercise regularly and keep in shape, whether I do or don’t end up dropping weight.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2014 Sheriff Joe, you really love to stir up controversy, don’t you? Yeah, leave it to a sheriff who’s both crazy and corrupt to punish inmates in Arizona who destroyed flags with nothing but bread and water for a week. First of all, what the hell were flags of all things doing within their reach? Secondly, while I can understand the symbolic importance of the American flag to some people, it is just a piece of material after all. Thirdly, should one man really be allowed to play God like that and just make and break laws at will and dish punishments at will as well? Lastly, what about health issues and possible risks from this lovely diet over this material thing?

Ok, so they’re criminals. Some were framed, some are in on trumped-up charges, but MOST are true criminals at heart who deserve to be miserable. But like it or not they’re still human. Should we treat them like animals? Hmm… that’s a tough one. I mean, if someone’s an overall decent person in for petty theft or drug abuse, it’s hard to really want to see them suffer. Murderers, rapists, beaters and child molesters, on the other hand, are a whole different story.

Not sure what’s going on with the house across the street. The For Sale sign has been down and since we’ve been back there’s been a red SUV over there like somebody’s living there. But wasn’t that the same vehicle that used to be there before the house went on the market?

This may sound funny, but I wonder if I should switch to a smaller monitor due to how shitty my eyes are. In Hawaii, I used our 17” laptop and with that I could still wear my bifocals, allowing me to see both near and far. With my single vision lenses I can see my 21” screen fine, but when I turn to look across the room it’s all blurry.

Got Tom into watching Twin Peaks on Amazon after telling him for years how wonderful it was. It was one of my favorite series, though much too short with just two seasons. I pretty much quit watching TV after that because it became nothing but the same old shit over and over again. Maybe I’ll catch a movie tonight or play with this really cool graphics editor we downloaded when we got back, now that I’m caught up in writing, posting trip photos, and backing up to Amazon Cloud.

Later…

Got curious and looked up my doctor. Looks like she is or has dated a black guy. Figured she was straight. She may be blond, but she’s tall, slim and has a great smile and body. I messaged her and complimented her pics, but I’m sure she won’t get it. Really beginning to think it’s me who can’t send non-friends messages and not just a big old glitch. It’ll supposedly go to her “other” folder, but I still don’t think she’ll get it. If my friends sometimes don’t get my messages, why would those who aren’t friends get theirs?

Our new humidifier arrived today. Hopefully, we can bring a taste of Maui indoors and HOPEFULLY help these constant ear problems I’ve been having for the last decade or so. We’ve had a surprising amount of rain, though. I’m shocked that we’re going to get 4-5 days of it. It’s exciting, too! Love hearing my wind chimes, something you won’t hear much of in these parts. The drought has wreaked havoc on the lands, farms and my skin and ear. I probably wouldn’t need lotion in Hawaii, Florida or other tropical climates. My sunburn is peeling too, though that would’ve happened anywhere.

Ever just know something? I mean where you really have a strong sense of knowing something with certainty in your gut? I’m sure you have. Again, I’m not as unique as some may think, I’m just a little more advanced when it comes to knowing the unknown. And while I get most of my info in dreams, every now and then I’m wide awake. Well, my vibes say we’re not going to be here for 14 years. The plan is for Tom to work till he’s 70. We’d be ok if he retired at 66, but more than ok at 70. We’d get close to what he makes now, so we wouldn’t be rich, but we’d be comfortable.

“We’re not going to be here in this house till you’re 70,” I told him the other day. “I just know it. With every ounce of my gut and heart, I know it.”

It’s similar to when the well was fixed. Right as they were finishing up a gloomy feeling came over me and Tom noticed and asked what was wrong. I shook my head dubiously and said, “Same thing’s gonna happen in two years.”

“Oh, no, sweetie,” he said with a confident and reassuring smile. “This is galvanized piping we’ve got now. Not that cheap PVC.”

But it did happen less than a week to the date.

Anyway, it hit me that we wouldn’t be here that long and I told him that could only mean something very good or very bad - we either win big bucks (since we don’t want to give up his job before he retires to have to scramble to find a job there in time and take those risks all over again that damn near killed us) or something happens to cause us to lose the house if it doesn’t kill us first, whatever it is.

Then it hit me. Maybe Tammy and Mark are our ticket out sooner. Maybe after they get settled there in 5 years or so and if they’re right in thinking the business will be successful and all that and could use one more pair of helping hands… well, you just never know. Tom can fix anything. ANYTHING. But he’ll be the first to admit that this type of work isn’t what he’s used to, so he would probably find something computer-related. He’s used to warehouses and assembly lines and is usually some type of lead or manager.

Still, it makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Now if we were surprised with a shitload of money… sorry, but we’re going back to Ka’anapali, LOL.

I’d kill for a home job that didn’t require a schedule, even if it were slave wages. I don’t mean pennies, but I’d settle for minimum wage, even a little less. That’s just a dream, though.

We had to bump my appointments up to the end of the month. Damn, I am so, so sick of this thing dictating my life, but I don’t know why the doc wants me to eventually go to the sleep clinic once everything else is stabilized. What can they tell me that I don’t already know? It’s like with my ear; there’s only so much you can do about it. That ear is always going to be like it is and it’s never going to look or hear normally no matter what you do to it. I’ll gladly follow her advice, but since we can’t make a short person tall or a tall person short, what’s the point? Guess I’ll find that out later on.

Millions of people look forward to waking up each morning (and sometimes afternoons or nights) to go to a job, to make money, and while their jobs may not always be loads of fun, they still have them and the paychecks they come with. Money’s not the point right now. Tom makes more than enough for both of us; the point is that sometimes I just wish I could be normal like everybody else. I’m not not working because I won the lottery. I’m not not working because I’m 66. I’m 48 and I don’t qualify for disability even though I have more health issues than even I realized I had. Some things were as obvious as a period, but other things really took me by surprise, even if most can be dealt with.

I know, I know, maybe if I’d worked some disgruntled employee may’ve come to work a little trigger-happy one day, right? So maybe our God who just “loves” me oh so much was just saving my ass, right? Well, instead of just seeing that I worked where no one was trigger-happy, why not just sic this shit on me instead and keep me out of work altogether. Brilliant solution!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2014 I have seriously mixed emotions over returning home. As Andy said, there’s no place like home. But like I said, there’s also no place like Maui and I already miss it and want to go back. But it doesn’t have to be Maui. Florida and other places are a lot like it, climate-wise. When I think we may be here for 14 more years, it doesn’t sit well with me, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world either. It’s just that I strongly vibe we won’t be here that long. This could only mean something very bad or very good has to happen along the way if I’m right. We either lose the house, die, or win a shitload of money.

I hate being cold and I hate the extreme dryness, though we are on for rain this week and we did purchase a humidifier. I’m also back with the landscaping and heavy traffic. That’s another thing I liked about Maui �� no big scary freeways. I hate the freeway here cuz not only do half the people creep (Cali must have killer speeding tickets) but you just never know who’s gonna cut in front of you or something stupid like that.

Still have more to cover on the trip, but first, today’s the first day since returning home that I woke up feeling well-rested. It took a million hours of sleep to do it, but I did it, nonetheless. Yesterday I got to wake up to landscaping and today it was hammering. Heard landscaping for a few minutes later on, too.

Had some weird dreams. In one dream Andy and I were young and single again and I was still on disability. We went down to Connecticut and Andy found someplace he wanted to move into, though I don’t know what it was. He insisted I had to be his roommate but when I explained to him that I didn’t get enough money to pay my share, he dumped me and left me stranded.

I was walking along wherever when a pleasant-looking woman in her early 30s or so picked me up. I was grateful as hell and told her I was from Massachusetts. She said she was too, and was headed up there. I asked where in MA she lived and first she said Leeds, then she said Northampton.

Later…

Time to wrap up our wonderful trip for once and for all. Before we left, Tom was afraid we missed the plane, LOL. He checked our flight’s status to be sure it was on time, but it was listed as late. He was like, how can it be late if it hasn’t left yet, but they were predicting it’d be late in taking off. It wasn’t, though.

After the submarine ride, we stopped in their store to give them the postcard to mail, and I also got a few more souvenirs from them as well. I will eventually take pics of the things we got there.

So at the submarine place, I got a clear magnet with a floating boat, and this thing I don’t even know what to call. It works like an hourglass only it’s not sand. It’s like oil and water, however, the pink and orange “beads” of liquid that fall through the clear liquid can’t be oil cuz oil floats. I don’t know what it is. Some kind of gel? Anyway, it takes a couple of minutes for it to trickle down and it’s pretty cool looking.

I also got an ankle bracelet I just love. It’s totally me and very comfortable. It has multicolored beats and a little gold heart dangling from it that has a little bell or something like that inside it. You can kind of hear me tinkering when I walk. Size small fit perfectly. My wrists and ankles are the only body parts that never got fat.

We went to a burger place and OMG! The screaming kids drove me nuts. They are just TOTALLY out of control these days. We’d never have been allowed to run around loose like that in stores and restaurants screaming like animals. I was like, somebody slap these things silent! That was pretty much the only time they got annoying. Little annoying at the pavilion the day we went sailing too, but at least the flights were peaceful. On the ground, you can move away from the damn things, but in the air? I feel bad for Andy cuz he’s annoyed by their racket too, and the woman next to him is expecting. It may be years before it’s running around and making it seem like an earthquake hit his building, but I would think some of the screaming would go through the walls. Our hotel was peaceful overall, though it did have its annoying moments. It wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been because most of the people were older, but the walls were pretty thin. I never heard TVs or anything like that but I heard plenty of bumps and bangs. I do NOT miss attached living. It’s too bad, too. An apartment in Maui is probably all we could ever afford.

At first glance, I thought they had the British flag flying with the American flag till I realized it was the Hawaiian flag. Not what you’d expect. I thought they’d have something with the ocean or flowers.

Sunday afternoon, shortly after eating our burgers and fries, we went for one last swim, but it was kind of cold so we didn’t stay long.

That evening we walked to the Whaler’s Village again. We were halfway there when the resort shuttle picked us up and brought us the rest of the way. Tom got pizza at the pizza place and I got this awesome dinner of clams and mushrooms in a creamy sauce served over penne pasta. We got some snacks and a few more things for me – hot pink athletic shorts and a couple of hula girls. Those figurines that swivel at the waist.

Later…

The Sacramento airport sure was a pain in the ass compared to the Kahului airport. In the Sac, we had to take off our shoes and shuttle to the gate. In Kahului, you just check in and walk a little way down to the gates. You still have to put your carry-ons in a tray to be x-rayed and walk through one yourself, but that’s it.

As soon as we stepped off the plane I was hit with a blast of cold air seeping between the space where the plane meets the ramp you walk down and into the terminal. We’ve only been home two days and already my skin is dry and my ear is on the verge of annoying me based on the “popping” sounds my artificial canal is making. Yeah, it took me all these years to FINALLY figure out why it aches so much and now I know. I’m at least 95% sure anyway that it has to do with living so many years in such dry climates. We oil it to keep the skin soft, which has trouble shedding on its own, but Hawaii had enough moisture in the air to keep it soft. I probably wouldn’t even need lotion there.

Another theory Tom has is that the thyroid medication could be helping my ear. Our bodies are constantly replacing dead cells. When your thyroid craps out on you this process, metabolism, and so much more slows down to a crawl. The slowing down of shedding and replacing dead skin and cells may’ve been a factor, but I’m going with the humidity factor. So much so that we bought a humidifier on Amazon for $100 that says it can do up to a 2300-square-foot place. So we’ll be creating a tropical climate indoors. The stickiness can get uncomfortable, especially when you’re doing something physical, but it’s better than the pain and discomfort the dryness causes.

I only gained a pound or two if even that since I’m kind of watery right now. I’m ready to make one final shot at blasting 40 once they adjust my medication. I just don’t know if I want to do Nutrisystem or Jodisystem.

Tom noticed that someone emptied our trash and our green waste while we were gone. Then when he was checking the mail, Virginia jumped out at him and said they took care of it for us. How incredibly nice of them! It took us over 20 years to get decent neighbors, but we definitely do have them… finally! I’m glad they took note of our absence, cuz while I did tell Bob we were going to Hawaii at the end of January, I didn’t give the dates. That was so, so nice of them to look out for us. I’m sure they’d have called the cops had they noticed anything suspicious going on too, though I didn’t expect there to be because of the location. The dream people would’ve told me if any trouble was amiss anyway by making sure I got hit with the wrong kinds of nightmares. Even so, the drive from the park gate to the house was the equivalent of that icy cold walk up N. 11th Street in Oregon when we stepped off the Amtrak back in ’07, wondering and hoping everything was okay.

It wasn’t ok for the people on the other side of our neighbors. They too, went to Hawaii, only they went cruising. Then they got to come back to a broken heater, poor things. Someone’s plumbing or electricity must’ve gone out in one of the houses behind us cuz the utility truck was there earlier. That’s the hammering I heard.

The lamp in the living room was on when we got home cuz we timed it to come on at night. I called to the rats as soon as we came in and out popped Sugar from his burrow. It was so cute. Then Romeo hopped out a second later. I missed my furballs!

The only pisser is that the mail hasn’t been delivered yet like it should’ve been. Tom called the post office just to be ignored for 20 minutes, so he finally hung up and sent an email. So what have we got to do now, fight for our mail?

My schedule is also totally messed up. We’re going to have to reschedule a few of my 10 million appointments.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2014 Back home now and ready to get caught up on the trip… finally! I have just a few more activities to cover. I’ve been surprisingly tired. We’ve been taking this day just to basically recover, and my having PMS doesn’t help cuz that always makes me more tired. And hungrier. I had 5 bagel bites and was still hungry. Scarfed down a bowl of ice cream. Still hungry. Ate a hot dog since Tom got the only kind I like, which he rarely gets cuz they’re kind of greasy and expensive. Still a little hungry, but fine. I’ll just live with it.

On Sunday we stopped at Atlantis Submarines and found they had plenty of room for us to book a trip. They can fit up to 48 people per trip and there are no bathrooms in the submarine so it’s best to go on an empty bladder. Being Superbowl Sunday, they had plenty of open seats.

I thought the dive site was at the docks where Trilogy, the catamaran boats, as well as others, take off from. However, we had to take a little shuttle boat out to the actual dive site. It was about a 10-minute ride and they went faster than the catamaran did, at what I’m guessing was 40 MPH, whatever that comes out to in knots.

They gave us free postcards which they paid the postage for and so I decided to send one to Andy.

Since they did a dive before us we got to see the submarine emerge from the water. It was way cool! I got pics of it coming up as well as going back down with the next batch of passengers after our ride. Only the very top of it emerges above the water. The viewports remain underwater.

The inside of the sub is about as long as a bus but narrower. There are no isles you can walk up and down and people sit wedged in close and pretty much back-to-back. One row faces the viewports on the starboard side, and one faces the port side. There are two ways down into the sub and each one goes a different direction. If you go down from the left you sit on the port side and if you go down on the right you sit on the starboard side like we did.

So down we went to the ocean floor! Our deepest point was at 130 feet and the guy leading the tour and explaining the types of fish and the various things we were seeing, said to kiss our lovers as it would literally be the “deepest” kiss ever, haha.

Anyway, the guy explained how different colors change at different depths. The first one you lose is red. That becomes purple at 30 feet. Bright colors appear to glow, he said, and I looked at my bright, neon nails and sure enough, they did appear to glow.

I was surprised natural sunlight reached down to where we were going. He said you have to go to 600 feet before you lose all sunlight. He also said that coral only grows a quarter of an inch a year.

The viewports are magnified by 25% and so things appeared bigger and closer than they actually were.

Throughout the ride, we saw an old ancient anchor and a couple of cement blocks. The most fascinating part of the voyage, even more so than the fish, was the sunken ship! It was one they actually sunk themselves. It was an old leaky ship they bought for just a buck. But it costs a few grand in permits and all that shit. They sunk it for fish to play in back in ’05. It now has coral building upon it, of course, and there’s a hanging chain, which gives them a sense of what the current is like, even though most of the motion is at the surface.

So up we went and I watched the ocean floor fall away. Then he reached up, turned a small wheel and opened the hatch. Up the ladder we climbed where we then took pics of it submerging before being shuttled back to the harbor.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2014 We’re back in the air again and headed home to my ratties. Other than them, my bed and stuff like that, that’s all I’ve missed. Oh, and having two bathrooms. It was nice to know that the one bathroom thing was just a temporary deal for us and not the norm it used to be.

We’re about a half-hour into the flight and this one will only be 4.5 hours. Guess it has to do with the direction of the wind.

They served champagne before we even took off, then they gave us those wet hot washcloths, though I’m not sure why. Maybe they felt we’d want to wash up before dinner?

More kids are on this flight, but they’re not a problem from up here in first class.

The plane we’re on landed while we were waiting at the gate, and will be continuing on to Seattle after stopping in Sacramento.

We both agree that our Hawaiian vacation was way better than our Caribbean vacation. On a cruise ship, you’re pretty limited as to where you can go and what you can do, no matter how large the ship may be. I even got that tan I didn’t think I could get, after burning and getting those itchy bumps I’d get when trying to tan in Arizona. This trip was also so much better because we didn’t have all the traveling issues we had the last time around, having to take trains and taxis to airports and hotels and deal with layovers, etc.

For appetizers, they’re serving Thai green papaya salad, grilled calamari, and a warm Hawaiian sweet roll. The entrée I chose is the beef filet with Maui onion marmalade, roasted fingerling potatoes, and sautéed asparagus. Dessert is goat cheese cheesecake. I have had more alcoholic drinks in the last week than in a decade, but that’s only cuz it’s free.

Here they come now with their little bags of mixed nuts and dried fruit. My ratties will love them.

Later…

Just had lunch and it was pretty boring. The sweet roll was delicious, but the salad was lame and the calamari was weird. Tom wasn’t impressed with it at all. So we basically ate the rolls and called it done. The salad had strips of tomatoes, onions, carrots and half-moons of cucumbers.

I’m trying to go in order of events, and while writing passes the flying time, I’d also rather do it on a real computer with a real connection. Our connection was as slow and unreliable as Auburn was. To pay $17 a day, though, for a faster connection would’ve been ridiculous. All we needed it for was to check the accounts and so I could let people on Facebook know we made it over ok and were having fun. Naturally, most of my wonderful family had nothing to say about it. I told Nane that her mother ought to get over to Hawaii now and not wait till May when the whales head up to Alaska.

So glad I brought my good headphones this time around. Screaming kids or not, it’s nice to listen to music with good headphones where you can hear the music better over the roar of the engines.

A week turned out to be the perfect amount of time for our vacation. At first I was hoping to go for 4 days but that wouldn’t have been enough time to do everything we wanted to do. Anything longer would’ve been a bit much, not just cuz of the rats and my schedule, but because it’s so tiring after a while. We did so, so much and a lot of it was rather physical. We really exerted ourselves at times. My schedule did much better than I thought it would. I had Tom get me up at 7:00 yesterday and at first I was tired as hell. But an hour later plus a cup of coffee, I was fine.

Due to the energy, all the walking and swimming zapped from us, we both crashed earlier. I still woke up for a minute here and there throughout the night but woke up on my own for good at 7:00, an hour before I had to get up. All in all my schedule only jumped forward 4 hours while we were there.

My feet are swollen as hell cuz I’m not used to spending so much time on them. I almost wish I could be this physical every day, but what could I do? Run around the park all day or night? That’d get boring. Besides, at home, I do have other responsibilities.

I can tell I’ve gained weight despite all the activity. It’s going to take another month or so for my thyroid pill to kick in and for the doctor to adjust the levels and all that. Furthermore, I am older and I did eat like a pig. Sure was fun living on steak and seafood during the week. I had a lot of other things, too.

Later…

Dinner was absolutely delicious. Glad they finally took our trays so I can put my journal on the table. It’s easier to write that way as opposed to holding it in my hand.

I believe I left off with the events of the 1st, so I’ll start there. That was Whaler’s Village and Luau day.

We walked from our room to the Whaler’s Village, which was about a 15-minute walk. There they had lots of shops but they were pretty damn expensive cuz many of them sold designer clothes as well as handmade and one-of-a-kind items.

We gave the store our voucher for the free gift they had to offer. Unfortunately, that was for a boring skull necklace or earrings. I chose a pair of hot pink fish fin earrings, which I plan to send to Sarah. Mark and Becky will get shell necklaces and Tammy can have one of the sleeping dogs she loves so much. I’ll send her the golden retriever but will keep the cocker spaniel.

For me, I got a glitter eyeshadow palette from Sephora’s.

We got pizza and fries and then ice cream at Hagen Daz.

For anyone interested in looking these places and events up – the town we stayed in was Ka’anapali on the island of Maui. We stayed at the Sheraton Maui Resort. It was the Old Lahaina Luau we attended on our last night in Lahaina. Tickets are $109 per person, but it was included in our package. We flew in and out of the Kahului Airport in Maui.

Just took a break for dessert and why we got chocolate cake instead of cheesecake beats me, but it was still good. Fortunately for Tom, he liked both dinner and dessert. Well, except for the asparagus, of course, which I ate.

When the guy came around asking if we’d like more drinks, I asked if they’d be serving Mai Tais, but they only do that on the way to Hawaii. A moment later he surprised me with one cuz they had some left over from the previous flight.

Ok, on with the luau. It was fun to experience at least once, but not worth doing again. It was oh-so Hawaiian, though, with the hula dancers dancing with the ocean behind them and coconut palms all around, but overall the entertainment wasn’t that impressive and the food was so-so. Can’t tell you everything we had, though, cuz most of the food names were written in Hawaiian, LOL.

Earlier in the day, we wondered if it was going to be canceled due to all the rain. Yeah, for a few hours it came down hard. When I looked out to sea, the clouds had pretty much whited things out so you couldn’t tell where the sea met the sky.

After standing in line forever, we were given leis of purple orchids (oops, almost wrote “lies” of purple orchids). Then we were shown to our seats. Keeping in mind where our table was, we walked around a bit. The music wasn’t my kind at all, of course.

We saw a couple of guys crack open, juice and squeeze out some coconut for people to sample in little cups. Tom hates coconut, of course, so he wouldn’t dare touch any.

Then there were a couple of female dancers teaching some people some dance moves. In each hand, they held what looked like bushels of incense sticks and they made this rattling sound when they shook them.

Had to take another break for a minute cuz I felt a bit ill. Not like I was going to puke or anything like that, but I felt warm and like I couldn’t suck in enough air. I think the days of alcoholic beverages are over for me for a while. Sure drank a lot during the luau. Had a Mai Tai, a Honey Girl, and a Lava Flow. These drinks are mixes of fruits with either vodka or rum. Pretty sure I had some soda and water along the way too, LOL.

We were seated at a long table with 3 other couples – a black couple from Alabama and two from icy cold Minnesota. All were very nice.

By then it was getting dark and so they lit all the tiki lights. It looked so cool too, and the only unpleasant thing was this weird smell at times that reminded me of a filthy public bathroom. Don’t know what it could’ve been, though. We weren’t that close to the restrooms.

It almost felt like we’d gone to another country, not just because of the different climate, but because almost all the street signs and other things were written in Hawaiian. It’s a good thing I knew that kane was man and wahine was woman or else I might’ve used the wrong bathroom, haha. Other than that, aloha and mahalo, I don’t know shit.

We were then led to the buffet where it was hard to see because their lights were broken. The steak and seafood salad was good. There were a couple of things that looked like ground spinach in which one tasted awful and the other tasted great.

The costumes weren’t that impressive and neither was the dancing because they were moves anyone could do. Loved all the long dark hair and dark eyes, though. Gotta give them credit for remembering all the moves of their routines despite the lack of intricacy. Their timing was perfect too, when dancing in unison. So it’s harder than the exotic dancing I once did because there’s nothing to learn or remember. They just want you young and thin.

Later…

Just like the last time, all I really see out there are clouds galore.

Got 54 more minutes of flying time, so I’ll try to cover the rest of the trip while we’re still in the air. That was 3 more things, the submarine ride, another trip to the Whaler’s Village, and one last swim.

The submarine ride was spectacular and worth the $233 our tickets cost us. Look up Atlantis Submarines for more info and pics. Their site probably even has videos.

Took my second and last potty break before we landed in the dry 56-degree weather. I’m gonna miss those 80-degree temps! I was amazed at how many joggers were out and about despite the humidity. Most ran in the mornings and evenings. Guess who’s going to be able to run like that and get results just like they do? Yeah, moi! I knew something had to be wrong with all that running and dieting I was doing just to get no results whatsoever. I just knew it. I didn’t expect, however, to learn my thyroid quit working altogether.

Tom thinks he should lose 50 pounds and I should lose 25 if that’s what I decide to do. 110 would be ideal for me, but 120 is more realistic for my build, height, age and muscle density. Gotta laugh when Tom says I should soon be able to lose with exercise and eating “reasonably.” What does he think I am, young? Male? I had to restrict calories even before my thyroid went to hell, so why wouldn’t I now? Only difference is I shouldn’t have to damn near starve myself.

Looks like I’m not going to finish the trip in the air after all. I’ve written a lot as it is and need to give my hand a rest.

Here I come, ratties!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2014 Got up at 6am and Tom, who’d been up for a few hours, said there was no Wi-Fi. Yeah, they seem to turn it off every morning. Again, not worth the $500 the room costs. I’ve only been going online to check Facebook once a day, but I don’t need to do that till we return. Again, vacations are all about what we don’t usually do in our everyday lives. I called the front desk who patched me through to support. They asked me for the hotel number. But since I didn’t have it handy, I said forget it. They’ll turn it on when enough people have bitched about it, which is probably their regular morning routine. Anything to save a buck. We could plug the laptop into the wire, but it’s not worth it because then I’d have to use it by the bed. I’d rather sit at the table.

I’m basically sunburn-grounded today, so I will be spending most of the day in the room and I hope those around us won’t do the same. We will go out to one of the finer restaurants later on when we go to pick up our free gift at the Whaler’s Village. That’s something you get for buying something at the mall store where I got the crystal pineapple.

Didn’t sleep too well because of my sunburn. When laying on my back it felt like I was lying on a hot stove, but I’m not that tired. I slept on and off for 8-9 hours. Looks like my schedule won’t be too hard to deal with after all since getting up by 7am tomorrow and 8am the day we leave should be doable enough.

Had a weird dream last night where my mother and brother were still alive only my mother was in her late 50s instead of 80. My brother shot her and went to jail. On TV was a news documentary on it and all about her abuse and why Larry shot her. I thought to myself that once he got settled wherever he was going to be within the system since I didn’t expect him to be released anytime soon despite his reasons for the shooting, I would send him a letter of support.

Last night I dreamed my Italian mom was still alive and I discovered that she and Dad had created a potion or something like that to control the minds and behaviors of others. I wondered if they’d turn on me if they knew I knew about it, knowing they would be in big trouble if they were ever found out.

Just jumped up to snap a pic of a lovely rainbow that’s out there this morning. It’s partly cloudy today and light showers are expected. I’m glad this room doesn’t face east or west so we don’t get blinded by direct sunlight. I also wish, as much as I love beautiful magenta flowers, that they left the chain link fence bare so I didn’t have to stand up to get a better view of the sea.

It’s amazing how many whales there are here now and it’s not even their peak time. I guess that’s not till the end of the month. But anytime I glance outside I see random waterspouts and tails flapping.

0 notes

angst-king · 6 months ago

Text

Corruption of Humanity pt 10

(wooohooo! 10 parts! I hope you guys are enjoying this story so far, we've still got a while to go!)

“Oh great the water dispenser on the fridge is working!” Eve smiled as she watched one of Vox’s assistants toddle away after demonstrating the product worked.

“That’s good, not that I’m prissy and won't do plastic bottled water but, it's less space in the fridge.” Emily smiled as she filled up her hydro flask with ice water, Eve nodded in agreement.

“Also means you’ll stop drinking so many monster energies~” She teased, Emily rolled her eyes playfully.

“Oh please you heard what Husk said, find what keeps you going, and for me that ultraviolet monster!”

“Anyways I think group time will be good, Lucifer seems like he’s getting stronger so it shouldn’t hurt to let him out under supervision.” Eve started, Emily smiled today was finally the day! She had worked hard on this, getting Lucifer’s strength up and learning about him more, she hoped this would go well. She followed her normal routine, checking in on Charlie then Vaggie, and Nifty. All three of them seemed to be alright, Charlie and Nifty were excited for group time, and Vaggie seemed happy at least. Now she had to go and get Lucifer ready. She grabbed a fresh change of clothes for him, this really would be a big day. Charlie would finally get to meet her father!

Going up to Lucifer’s room with a wide grin on her face Emily couldn’t help but be a little nervous but she pushed her worries aside. She walked into his room to get him ready.

“Hey Lucifer, it's your lucky day!” Lucifer sat up from his bed with a groan and a cat-like stretch, his injuries had healed well after getting nutrition from the feeding tube. They were scarring over nicely, no signs of infection either.

“What is it?” He asked pushing himself from his blanket nest and rubbing his eyes.

“You’re going to see Charlie, you’re coming to group time.” Lucifer paused and looked at Emily in disbelief.

“Wh-what?” Emily repeated herself, and Lucifer’s tired face slowly formed a smile.

“Rea-really? I get-I get to see my daughter?” “Yup, they’re gonna be downstairs in the enrichment area you guys can sit, play games, talk, of course me and a few handlers will have to monitor but-”

“I-I get to see Charlie!” He couldn’t believe it, what felt like a millennium in this hell hole, he’d get to see her! Lucifer made haste to get out of bed, he was glad to not be connected to that tube anymore, nothing was holding him back now! He smiled widely showing a set of sharp teeth but Emily could see just how happy this made him. Then anxiety set in.

“What if she thinks I’m weird, or is mad at me for never being there?! I haven’t seen her since she was a baby. You say she’s an adult now? I’ve missed everything!” Emily was a little surprised by his sudden change in mood but quickly calmed him down.

“Hey hey it's alright, I’m sure she won't fault you for it, now you can get to know her and make memories.” “You sure?” “Yeah, come on, she’s waiting for ya” WIth a sigh Lucifer slipped on his new clothes, and brushed back his hair before following Emily out. They went down the hall and through the elevator, all the new sounds were rather overwhelming but it was a little odd to see the place hadn’t changed too much. The same cracks and dents remained only covered by a paint job. The closer they got the more Lucifer could hear. His eyes darted around as his ears twitched to the sound of laughter.

“Alright Lucifer we’re here” Emily announced coming to a stop, Lucifer’s eyes then hit straight ahead and there she was. Long blond hair, red spiraled eyes, and rosy cheeks, a laugh that exposed a pair of fangs from her mouth. She was tall, much taller than Lucifer was. Yet all he could remember was when she was just a tiny baby bundled up in his arms.

“Charlie!” Emily called out, Charlie turned around to face her and was waved over, she came over with a smile.

“Yes, Emmy?” “I wanted to introduce you to someone” Emily then gestured to Lucifer, and he meekly waved at her his heart pounding in his chest. Would she know who he is? Did anyone tell her? Would she reject him? Be angry with him?

“I’m sure you’ve heard Adam refer to you as being someone’s daughter right?” “Mhm ‘the freaky angel’s daughter’!” That hurt to hear Charlie repeat what Adam had been calling Lucifer but, surprisingly Lucifer seemed unphased.

“Well, this is him!” At first, her expression seemed neutral but her lips pulled into a smile and her eyes sparkled.

“Y-you’re my dad?” Charlie asked, Lucifer nodded smiling hopefully behind his mouthguard. It really did amaze him to see her with his only memories being of her as a baby. She looked a lot like him even now!

“Y-yes I am, I’m Lucifer! You-you don’t have to call me Dad if you don’t want to” With A soft gasp she grabbed Lucifer by the hand and started to tug him over to a table.

“Yeey! I have two dads!” Two? Lucifer furrowed his brows perplexedly, he had only mated with Lilith how could she have two?

“Guys guys look, I have two dads now!” The table of patients looked rather surprised especially to see someone who so closely resembled Charlie. It was clear to them that it was her biological one, and they knew who the other was.

“Dad, I’m gonna introduce you to everyone!” hearing her call him ‘dad’ without hesitation surprised him, he expected to push back but here she was introducing him as if she had known him her whole life!

“First off this is Vaggie, she’s my girlfriend!” When looking at Vaggie Lucifer couldn’t help but get a strange sense, she seemed familiar in a way he couldn’t pinpoint. However, Charlie didn’t give him time to ask questions as she introduced him to the others.

“And this is Alastor, he’s been taking care of me while you were gone!” Alastor grinned holding his hands behind his back formally.

“Hello, Alastor pleasure to finally put a face to the first creation. You are much shorter than I expected” Alastor slurred with a wide sneaky grin. Lucifer snarled and rolled his eyes.

“I don’t think that any of your concern, and I won't take criticisms on my height based on some Eldrich reject” He snapped back, of course, Lucifer could sense what Alastor was, his energy was not easy to hide nor did his shadow give him any help as it waved enthusiastically at him. If there was one ability Lucifer was glad he never lost was his ability to sense what others are around him. This was why Vaggie gave a very off feeling, most of them did read as those who were once human yet her humanity was much stronger than anyone else.

“Now now no need to fight, I want my dads to get along!” Charlie pouted softly

“Oh sorry princess, I guess that was rather rude especially on the first meeting.” Alastor apologized though t was dripping with insincerity.

“Princess, that's a weird nickname” Lucifer commented, though he stopped when Alastor and the others shot him a look and Angel Dust quickly changed the subject.

“Ey Husk got us a new set of cards, anyone wanna play?”

“Oooh yeah yeah!”

Lucifer thought the sudden look they gave him was strange but it scared him out of asking any further questions. So he sat down at the table with the group and they played some card games. It was nice to be around more than one person again, it had been decades since had even left his room for more than an experiment! It made him rather socially awkward, however he appreciated this. He appreciated how Charlie treated him like she already knew him and how easily integrated him into the group. He wished he could have met her sooner maybe he wouldn’t have felt like such a stranger to her. It also didn’t help that he felt the second place to Alastor, the man she had referred to as other father.

He watched Alator pat Charlie on the head fondly with a warm toothy smile and soft eyes. The way he called her “my dear” so gently, or encouraged her, hell just hearing him call her his daughter made Lucifer…angry? Hurt? Upset? He felt a whole slew of emotions he hadn’t been able to put together. Good gods, years upon years spent in an all-white room until you become ‘dormant’ could really do a number to your psyche!

They spent most of their time playing board games until Charlie decided she wanted to try and get to do a ‘get to know you game’.

“Alright, one person at a time we ask a question and everyone in the group has to answer it on their sticky note! I’ll go first” Then Charlie asked

“What’s your favorite color?” The sounds of back-and-forth scribbling and answering. It took a minute for Lucifer had to remember color names before answering. He revealed his flash card to the group and Charlie smiled

“Oh purple!” It was the color of Lilith’s eyes, something he could never forget.

This game was quite helpful in breaking him out of his shell, even having to come up with questions helped.

It was nice to watch Lucifer interact with his daughter, something Emily never thought she’d be able to see but here he was! He seemed overwhelmed for a bit but Eve told Emily to let him figure it out. Lucifer’s energy would fluctuate obviously, in one moment it was tense with anxiety to cold and now it was almost childish and carefree. Usually, his energy could create a harsh ringing which was now dulled to a soft buzz.

“He’s doing well for his first day, I thought he was gonna need an anti-anxiety pill or something but, he’s doing better than I thought!” Emily smiled, Eve nodded as she leaned against the wall.

“Yeah though its going to be very up and down for him, it probably helps that Charlie is lucid and so is Lucifer.”

“Wait does Lucifer have schizophrenia?” Emily asked, Eve shrugged.

“Its hard to tell at times though he has times where he isn’t himself at all. He was locked in his room for years upon years with no contact until he fell into ‘dormancy’, even before his isolation. He would have bouts of serious psychosis, he would hallucinate a lot. He would often worry about cameras in his room.” Eve explained, that Emily drank on her water keeping the group of patients in her sight as she listened.

“It would get so bad he would start yanking his hair or cutting himself with his tail. Though today seems to be one of his good days.” Talking about hallucinations reminded Emily of her own, she didn’t want to worry Eve but she had to ask.

“Do you ever experience hallucinations, Eve?”

“Hm? Yeah, especially when I started working here and with the angels like Gabriel. They’ve gotten less frequent over the years. I only experience them from time to time along with nightmares. Why?”

“Oh uh, just curious due to seeing having them occasionally, nothing serious though I-I promise.” Real convincing sounding Emily, really really convincing.

#king's fanfic #king's hazbin fic #hazbin hotel corruption au #corruption au #hazbin fandom #hazbin fanfic #hazbin fanfic blog #hazbin angst fic

0 notes

subpar-ghoulfriend · 4 years ago

Text

School Nurse

@letstalkaboutfandomsbaby led me to yet another 2D man that I want to get wrecked by

How would a school nurse react to Hwajin’s presence? Dabauchery will ensue.

AN: this started out as a short little drabble, turned into a long smutty mess that I finally rangled in with romance because… after care. As a nurse I was getting to into the logistics of the pencil stab

TW: smut, degradation, praise kink, breeding kink, power exchange, mild wound description (pencil stab), sex in a nurses office, oral sex

NO MINORS

Hwajin knew you would look good on your knees. You had a bratty, stubborn nature that he wanted to overpower. He thought you were too gentle with trouble makers. When he told you this, you argued that it was your job as a school nurse to take care of all the students.

How was it that you were so hostile with him but when it came to even the worst students you were so gentle. It irritated him. You actively avoided him. Maybe he wouldn't care if he didn't find you so damn adorable. Thoughts of you kept him company late at night.

Even when he forced you to take a baton after he saw a student get in your face yelling. The only person you used it against was him. Apparently you wouldn't allow him to pull students out of your office regardless of their offense.

He was shocked to learn that few students ever bothered you. The worst offenders would constantly make advances at you and since you would have his head, he disciplined them only once you were out of range.

And you were equally irate. He treated you like a child when you tried to present him with research that aggression towards children under the age of 18 was just as detrimental as ignoring their bad behavior. You weren't against addressing the students inappropriate behavior, but the number of visits to your office had tripled upon his arrival.

It become rare that schools had a nurse on campus, barely coming back in to practice following the hands off policy. And at the most part you were mainly treating the faculty and the more unlucky students. If the Ministry of Education wanted to bring in people like Na, would you even have a job much longer?

"What are you doing here? I'm not harboring any students," You hissed as the warden entered your office.

"If I remember correctly, I'm here to oversee the whole school. That includes you. Besides I actually need medical help."

Hwajin turned the lock on the door before unbuttoning his shirt. He turned around to show you a shallow hole between his shoulder blades. You tried to keep the blush from creeping on to your face as you scanned his muscular body.

Apparently a student surprised him by sinking a pencil into his skin.

"Violence breeds violence," You chided when the realization hit. "Oh god, did you kill the student?"

You were truly alarmed. He took slight offense to that question. He wasn't a great guy but he wasn't going to kill someone on the job.

"Just give me something to bandage this up," he rolled his eyes.

You motioned for him to sit on the medical table but of course he had to make things difficult, choosing to straddle a chair instead. In spite of his protests that he could take care of things himself you pulled on a pair of gloves.

"Don't be such a pain, Mr. Na. There's no way you can properly clean what's on your back."

You probed around the wound that was already angry and red. The blood has begun to dry. Trying not to cause unnecessary pain you attempted to visually assess the bed of the wound for any debris that may lead to infection.

Instinctively he howled in pain as you began to clean.

"Will you just put a bandaid over it so I can get back to my job?"

You had to admit you were getting some sick satisfaction from this. The wound was clean and you applied an anti bacterial ointment but it was in a location where the skin tended to pull and stretch so you were sure it would bleed throughout the day-

"Are you smoking in my office?"

Hwajin gave you a cheeky grin before blowing smoke toward your face.

The nerve. In retaliation you flicked the inflamed skin while avoiding the actual wound.

"Ouch, you're cute when you get angry," Na laughed.

Your cheeks were scorching, "Okay Mr Na, you're all wrapped up. Stop by at the end of the day so I can change the bandage."

He winked while buttoning up shirt, "I knew you liked seeing me."

"Out." You hissed.

As he walked down the halls he chuckled to himself. He couldn't wait for you to submit to him.

Through out the day your mind wandered to Hwajin. Him sitting in front of you, shirtless and rippled with muscle. The parts of his skin left unscarred were so soft compared to his attitude. You wondered if his palms were as soft or were they were rough and calloused.

As if on cue the man walked into your office, catching you during one of your fantasies. Was it already the end of the day? Sure enough, the clock showed school let out half an hour ago.

Just like before he secured the door and stripped off his shirt. The bandage wasn't soaked, but it did need to be changed. The day warped your work and some of the tape was lifted away from his skin.

This time politely in the chair, he hummed as you removed and replaced the soiled bandage.

"Starting tomorrow you should just leave it open to air. This is really just to keep you getting your blood on your shirt. If you start thinking you have an infection go to the hospital." You turned around to discard your gloves.

As you turned back, you bumped into Hwajin Na. He smiled down at you and ruffled your hair, "Thanks, nurse, you took such good care of me. You'll have to let me thank you."

He lowered his mouth to your whisper in your ear, "what should I do for you?"

Your were in a losing position, you didn't want to make eye contact but you couldn't stare straight ahead, he still wasn't dressed and it was too overwhelming. You settled on looking down toward his feet.

You quickly snapped your eyes back up when you notice a bulge trying to push past his pants.

"Uh, no need to thank me. It's my job." You stepped back against the wall, at least giving you a bit more space.

Hwajin placed his arms against the wall so he could close the space between you.

"What's wrong? You're flushed. Let's see if you have a fever." He pressed forehead against your. "You feel a bit warm, but not worrisome."

You stammered, "Uh, Mr Na, it's late so we should probably wrap up."

"Mr Na," he mocked you. "Why do you do that? We're both adults, you can call me Hwajin."

Your eyes darted around the room. Maybe you were being punked. Was he testing you?

"It's respectful, it would be rude to call you by your first name."

He brushed a stand of hair behind your shoulder, pleased with your response.

"Well I can think of other titles you could call me that I would enjoy much more."

You were struggling between your desire and your fear of losing your job. Surely he knew what he was doing to you.

Of course he knew, the gleam in his eyes made that clear.

"Well, it's pretty late and I don't know about you but I'm tired after today so I'll see you tomorrow."

He dropped his hands and you took that as the end of his teasing. But instead he hoisted you against him, grasping the back of your thighs.

"My poor little nurse, I've kept you so busy. How about you lay down and let me help you relax."

"Hwajin, put me down," You smacked his shoulder. Listening, he sat you down the cot you constantly sanitized. In spite of what you were saying you allowed him to crawl on top of you.

"Hmm, now you use my first name, little nurse? And here I thought you were respectful," he nipped at your ears.

You shivered.

"Well pick one," You groaned. "First, no last name, then no first name. What's left."

His tongue darted across your neck while began tearing at your clothes, "how about you just be a good girl and call me 'Sir'."

At this point the primal part of your brain took over as you pathetically began to rub against his thigh. Your Irrational brain didn't need a job, it just needed this man to fuck her.

Nearly all your clothes were discarded to the floor as his mouth began to tease your breasts. Your hand tangled in his hair when sink his teeth into your tender flesh.

"Talk to me baby," he sighed. "Use your words, ask for what you want."

You lay out a whimper and tugged at belt loops, "fuck me."

He pinched your in thigh, "Now that's not using your manners. Am I going to need to teach you to behave?"

You mumbled a response that he could barely hear, eliciting another pinch to your thigh.

You huffed, "fine, please fuck me, Sir"

Pleased with your response he tugged your panties to the side, stroking your soaked pussy with his middle knuckle.

"Atta girl. You're so fucking wet for me. How long have you been waiting to be my little slut?"

He slid one finger inside of you with ease, arching you back as moved inside you. You were trying to fumble at his the button of his pants but he pushed your hands off him.

With a growl he removed his hands and your underwear from your body, "Not yet, although I'm flattered how desperate you are for me. Turn over, ass in the air, show me what's mine."

You were happy to obey, sliding into one of your favorite positions.

"You're not be very nice, sir," You teased. "You could at least remove your pants."

His hands came down hard on your ass causing you to cry out in pain and pleasure.

"Watch what you say, unless you like being disciplined. You already know I don't tolerate disobedience. And as much as enjoy your screams, don't forget that just because school is over doesn't mean everyone is gone."

You bite your tongue as he spanked you again. He certainly wasn't holding back. But he was right, there were after school clubs and some teachers stayed as late as 8. His fingers found their way inside your warmth again, fluid dripping from your aching cunt. You had adjust to his rhythm of spanking when his fingers were at their deepest. You felt so close to release. When he withdrew from you yet again.

You let out a frustrated groan until his hand made firm contact with your pussy. Once, twice, three times produce a wet spanking sound. You couldn't hold in your tears, thankful you were a glutton for pain.

"You still with me, princess?" He cooed, getting off the bed. You nodded. "Good girl, hold that position for me just a bit longer."

You nodded again, words evading your mind. You appreciated the coolness produced by the cot. Hwajin repositioned the pillow that had fallen on the floor and removed his belt.

Standing next to you on the bed he finally directed you into another position. He helped you stand, barefoot on the linoleum floor. You were held against his chest as you gathered your bearings.

He nuzzled against your hair, "I'm not a gentle man, if you need to stop at any time you say so okay. And that's an order. Can you do that for me princess?"

You told him you would as he helped you sink your knees to the pillow. He ruffled your hair again, telling you how good you looked. Finally he unzipped his pants, his erect dick right in front of you.

"Look at me."

You complied, tearing your ways away from his cock.

"If you want my dick then prove it. Open up that pretty mouth of yours."

He grabbed you by the hair, guiding your lips his shiny tip. Your tongue circled around him, admiring his taste. You weren't usually self conscious but you couldn't help but be nervous you'd disappoint him. As you began wrap your lips around him, Hwajin inhaled sharply. He gave your hair a gentle tug.

"Eyes on me. Good. You're doing so well. All the way to the base, baby."

You were almost there when there was a knock at your door. Hwajin kept his grip firm on you, instead of allowing you to pull back he shoved his throbbing dick down your throat and began fucking your mouth while putting a finger to his lips. He was smirking like the devil. Your throat constricting in protest.

"Excuse me, nurse," one of the school kids called. Knocking again.

"Fuck," Na muttered as he released into your mouth. Tears spilled over your eyes as you struggled to swallow.

The nock persisted, "hellooo? Come on I need to pick up a physical form."

"She's busy, fuck off."

As the footsteps faded down the hall Na released you from his grasp. He couldn't help but laugh at you when you pouted up at him, your were glistening and your cheeks were rosy and puffy. God, next time he swore he would take a photo of you on your knees after sucking his dick.

"Really, you had to open up your loud mouth," You whined. "You could've just pretended no one was here."

He shrugged in response, helping you off the floor.

This time on the cot you were both undressed. Hwajin sucked and bite on your neck. You nudged him off telling him he was gonna leave a mark.

"You're telling me I can't mark up my little whore?"

"Just not where students can see."

That was fair enough, there were other places he'd rather leave bruises. Between your thighs. Your stomach. Your breasts. Proof that he had made you his.

He wouldn't bite too rough, not want to scare you off. He planned on making more of these moments with you. You were better in person. Exceeding his late night fantasies.

Finally he began to slide his cock inside you, your pussy searing with pleasure at his size. It was a struggle to control the volume of your moans.

"Does my little slut like that? You want me to stuff you?"

"Please," You cried, needing more or his touch. "Please don't stop, Sir. Please let me cum on your dick."

Hwajin began to pound harder into your tight pussy, admiring how your body reacted to the sheer force of him. Each time he snapped his hips against you, your lush breasts, along with the rest of your body, followed with an intoxicating jiggle.

You were exactly what he needed and he wished to consume you. His mind flashed to images of you tied up and exposed for him, placing all of your trust in him. Or he could snap a pretty collar around your neck and tie you to the bed with a leash, you would be begging him to fuck you like a bitch.

"Tell me need me," he growled. "That no one else can fuck you into submission and make you dumb with pleasure. Your mine and I don't share."

Tears rushed down your face as a mixture of pain and desire burst the pressure in your core. You clenched around him, babbling what he instructed you to and meaning every word.

The tightness of your orgasm shocked both you and Hwajin. Paired along with your heat pushed the man past his limit, releasing his thick cum inside of you. Even through the near blinding pleasure of his own release Hwajin felt a moment of worry, he hadn't meant to pour himself inside of you, he was fully aware he wasn't wearing protect and had gotten your consent.

Between your gasps and moans you were were repeating a breathy thank you. Unless he had died and gone to Heaven You were actually begging him for more of his seed. Crying out that you needed him to stuff you full. The man nearly confessed his love for you on the spot.

However he maintained his composure. Pressing closer to you and guiding you through the high of your orgasm.

He combed his fingers through your hair, whispering praises and reassurance. Telling you to relax into him, he wasn't going anywhere. Finally your grip on him relaxed as a gluttonous smile graced your lips.

Na propped himself up next to you with his elbow. His other hand cupping your face.

You looked at Hwajin, "This doesn't mean I'm going to ignore your behavior towards the students."

"You know, seeing you protective over a bunch of snot nosed punks makes me want to fuck you until your nine months pregnant. It would keep you out of my hair while you were stuck waddling around home safe and sound. Win-win."

You gawked at him. Joking that you had yet to see any paternal instincts from him.

"I am actually great with children so long as their raised right. Like hell I'd let my kids turn out like these delinquents."

The two of you bantered back and forth while re-dressing. It was dark by the time you exited the school. Na was lighting a cigarette the minute he was past the schools threshold. You began to tell him goodnight where the two of you should naturally part ways but Hwajin caught you by the wrist, a confused expression thrown your way.

“Where do you think you're going? I'm not done with you yet," he said, cigarette hanging from his mouth. You were about to respond when he cut you off. "Round two will be so much better in my bed. You'll be lucky if You leave my place in time for work tomorrow. But we should probably feed you first. I gotta take care of my little nurse."

#hwajin na #smut

594 notes · View notes

luimagines · 4 years ago

Text

He reacts to seeing you Sick/Wounded Part 2

Masterlist

Part 1 Part 3

Scenario under the cut! Blood ahead so be warned.

Twilight

Twilight looked around the group for what had to be the umpteenth time, searching for you.

You had left awhile ago and had yet to return.

If it was Wild or Hyrule he wouldn’t have put much thought into it. The two of them were notorious for wandering off if something shiny caught their eye and they could be gone for hours.

Not you though.

If anything, you were the one to insist on keeping the group together and to avoid “splitting the party”. as you’d say. You even had a song to go with it, a catchy little tune from your world and he caught himself humming under his breath more than once when he realize someone was gone.

But you were gone long enough now that you even missed a meal.

Twilight started bouncing his knee in anticipation, the worse scenarios coming to mind at what could be happening to you.

“I’m going to find them.” He said, standing up and walking away from the group.

He waits until he’s far enough away to take out the necklace he’s been carrying around since the start of this adventure.

Twilight activates the charm and feels the magic wash over him, his vision and senses sharpening as the worlds color fade and his perspective changes.

There’s always a little discomfort as the beginning of each transformation so he takes a second to compose himself.

Twilight then starts sniffing the air and catches your scent, following where it leads. The path is pretty straight forward and he can almost reconstruct how long it took for you to reach the destination. Twilight travels a little farther than he was expecting, it’s way farther than hearing range, even with his advanced ears.

It’s a little concerning because even if you were to scream for help, there’s no way any of them would have known.

He’s trying to be optimistic. Twilight has seen you fight. He has seen you treat your own wounds. He was personally seen your resourcefulness in tricky situations. There’s little, he thinks, that can actually keep you down.

But then his worst nightmare comes to his nose and he takes off in a sprint.

It’s blood.

It’s yours.

And there’s a lot of it.

He follows it as far as he can until he hears a pained whimper.

Twilight then follows the sound and comes to a stop, shocked at the sight before him.

You’re sitting up against a tree, the top half of you looks fine if only a little ragged and there’s tear streaks down both your cheeks. Twilight follows the line of your body and sees that there’s no injuries on your arms or torso even if your hands are covered in blood.

But at sight of your leg, he knows what’s happened.

There has to be people nearby, that’s the only explanation.

It’s metal trap with sharp jagged teeth that penetrate the skin and muscle in order to keep the prey from escaping, and they’re incredibly hard to break out of if you don’t have the right equipment. They’re also known for breaking bones if they hit in the right places.

It’s also clamed just above your ankle, blood weeps through still and has travels through the fabric of your pants un to your knee, pronouncing the injury even more.

“Wolfie...” You whimper and try to smile at seeing him. “Yay, you found me. I knew you’d come get me at some point. I tried calling but I think I’m too far away.”

Twilight’s heart bleeds for you and how scared you must have been before he showed up. And he wishes he would have gone looking for you sooner.

You sniffle and whip your face and nose with your sleeve, avoiding the mess on your hands. “I can’t get out. I tried but it’s stuck.”

Twilight pads closer and sticks his nose by your hands but you pull them back. “I know it looks bad but my hands aren’t hurt...It’s all from my leg. I don’t want to get blood on your pretty fur.”

Twilight doesn’t take time to process the compliment and instead is focused on the choice he has in front of him.

Transform and reveal his secret to you, enabling him to help you here and now or go back and get help, leaving you to the mercy of whatever finds you in your vulnerable state.

It’s a pretty easy choice actually.

Twilight calls off the magic and lets the transformation wash over him. As per usual, the change is disorienting and it’s always hurt more to turn back human than it did to change into a wolf, so he takes a moment to breath before he looks at your ankle.

“Tw-Twilight? You’re Wolfie?” You splutter and try to wrap your head around what you just saw. “It’s been you this whole time?!”

But he’s ignoring you.

He takes a good look at where the trap is and begins to prod ever so slightly.

“H-HEY!” You cry and try to reach for him. “Don’t! It hurts!”

He doesn’t have the key to unlock it and he doesn’t have the right tools at his disposal to try and pick the lock.

“Twilight please say something.”

“I’m going to get you out. Just hold on a little longer.” He glares at the metal for a moment before placing both his hands around it.

If there’s one thing he’s always been confident in, it’s his strength.

With both hands secured on the device he forces all of his weight to pry it open. He ignores how you continue to make sounds of pain, how his finger tips immediately become moist with your blood and how difficult moving this stupid thing to get you free actually turns out to be.

After a battle of wills between man and the artificial, it moves and he tilts his hands to keep the momentum going until he’s moved enough of it for you to pull your leg out.

“Go. Get out.” He says with the strain in his voice.

You push away with your hands and your good leg to the best of your ability and slowly (well slower than Twilight would have preferred) to move your leg out of the trap and far enough away where he can simply let it clamp on itself again without fear of losing any fingers or hurting you again.

You gulp and try to move your pant leg to see the damage but it’s clear that doing that hurts you as well.

Twilight it quick to cut off the fabric with his trusted pocket knife and he peels it away.

Bones have definitely been broken.

And there’s certainly a lot of blood to deal with.

He twists the fabric slightly and wraps it above and around your injury to try and stop the flow of blood. Twilight can feel the glare he’s giving to your wound and refuses to look you in face so you can see it.

“Twilight?” You call to him. Your voice is small, weak, tired and afraid.

He can’t leave you to your own thoughts like he wants to so he takes a breath to calm himself and looks at you with as much gentleness and care as he can currently muster.

“You’re going to be just fine, ok?” He says with a small smile. “You’re actually pretty far from the others so it’ll be a bit of a trip but then we’ll get Hyrule to look at you, clean you up... find you some new clothes... You’ll be back to where you were in no time.”

Twilight’s not sure who he’s trying to convinced. It looks deep.

He hopes your foot won’t need to be cut off and that infection hasn’t already set in.

He moves towards you and stops on your good side, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. In one swift movement he hooks his other arm under your knees and picks you up bridal style and begin to walk away from the mess.

You sniffle again and wipe your bloodied hands on your shirt. “Thank you Twilight.” You say. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

“Well you’re going to have to tell one of us what happened.” He responds. “The other are going to ask what on earth happened to you.”

“I meant about you being Wolfie.” You smile. “I’m fully prepared to explain my stupid decisions.”

The easy way you make that claim nearly makes him skip a step and send you both to the ground but Twilight is quick to readjust himself so that it never happens.

He had actually forgotten about that.

“I’d appreciate that.” He nervously chuckles.

“Don’t worry. I’ll cover you when you’re gone. I was starting to suspect something was related because your stories never matched up but I had no proof and no idea where to start. You’re... really not the best at it.” You say and pat his head. “So you save me, I save you. Sound fair?”

“That works for me.”

Time

Time had let Warrior lead the group because he seemed to be the most familiar with the terrain, even if he claims that this isn’t his Hyrule.

With someone capable taking the point, he hung back and let the other walk before him.

He had noticed that you were... weren’t yourself. Like you were hiding something.

You weren’t really interacting with anyone, and you kept your head down, something he hasn’t really known you to do. On another note, you were actually at the back of the group where he was currently stationed.

You always liked to be in the upper middle, talking and entertaining the younger ones and keeping up the group’s moral.

So the fact that you quiet and trying to go unnoticed, arms crossed and head down, worried him.

“Rupee for your thoughts?” He asked you as you walked.

You glanced up at him but you didn’t meet his eyes.

Something was wrong.

“I’m not really thinking about much of anything.” You admitted and shrugged. “I’m just a bit under the weather. I’ll be fine in a bit.”

“You don’t feel good?” Time frowns and stops the both of you with a hand on your shoulder. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“And slow down literally everyone.” You raise an eyebrow at him and he takes a quick second to catalogue your pink cheeks and red rimmed eyes.

Something is wrong.

“It’s just a headache.” You insist. “We’re already behind by how knows how long and it’ll go away on its own. I appreciate the concern but I don’t want to be a hinderance more than anything think I am.”

“For one thing, no one thinks you’re a hinderance.” Time says, taking off his gauntlet and he presses the back of his hand against your forehead, then your cheeks and the back of your neck. “If any one of those boys has told you that, you tell me and I’ll set them straight.”

He doesn’t miss the way you lean and hum in relief from his touch.

Truthfully, you’re actually burning up more than your skin seems to show and his concern sky rockets beyond the moon and back of this proverbial saying.

“I appreciate the thought but it’s not that important.” You say and he catches the way you frown in displeasure when he pulls away.

“Who told you that?” He asks in lieu of bringing your illness to light.

“No one.”

Time frowns some more and says your name in his stern commander voice that he knows you hate.

“No one.” You insist. “No one here anyway.”

From your previous adventure perhaps? Time puts the information away in the back of his mind and vows to vanquish the thoughts from your head when he can, but your health takes precedence right now.

“I think it’s about time to take a break anyway.” Time puts his gauntlet back on and begins to walk forward, leading you with a hand on the small of your back. “Maybe the Champion would be willing to make something for lunch.”

“Think he can cook something up for my headache?” You sigh and massage your temples in a way that seems reminiscent.

“That and more, if you ask him.” He replies easily and lets out a loud whistle that has become their cue to set up for the midday break.

It takes a while for your duo to make it to the others but at least you weren’t so far gone that no one would have heard Time’s signal.

You instantly take a step down and sit on the ground, cradling your head in a way that looks more like you’re crying than merely resting.

Time feels his heart clench at the sight and makes his way over to Wild. He tells them what he found out and asks if he can make something special for you. Something to keep you going.

Because as much as he wants to, this is not the place to stop for the night and with your pride on the line, he doesn’t want the others to crowd and bring more attention than you’d be comfortable with to your predicament.

“There’s a town about three hours from here.” Warrior’s speaks up, having eavesdropped on the conversation Time was trying to have on the down low. “We can hit it before night fall and let them rest in an actual bed for the night.”

Time nods and agree with the notion.

The others seem to catch on that you’re not feeling well and Time discourages them from getting closer than they should, less they get sick as well.

The break is quiet and uneventful for a change and Time is quick to get the group up and moving again when it’s over, choosing to keep you company on the way to the town and trying to make it as painless and comfortable for you as he can.

A part of him thinks that he should just swallow his pride and yours and carry you to the town as you deteriorate on the walk, but it’s not like you’d let him.

He’d just have to satisfy his concern when he eventually takes watch over your bed side, just to make sure you wake up feeling better.

Wind

Wind was sure that you’re hiding something.

You’ve been shifty eyed and nervous, jittery and uncollected.

So unlike the you that he’s come to know, rely on and appreciate.

It scares him a little, to see you so unlike yourself.

Wind makes a calculated guess on why you’re so weird after walking by your side for most of the journey.

You’re hurt and trying to not let anyone else know.

He can tell by how you’re trying to curl in yourself and fold over but have to keep righting your position. You’re having to walk with one foot on your toes because if you tried any more normally, you’d be limping. You’re a bit slower than your usual walking pace but you’ve been arcing your stride a little to the side so that it matches in length what you wouldn’t be able to make up for in number of steps.

He’s almost impressed by how well you’ve been hiding it.

But it’s drowned out by the irritation of your stubbornness. You could have just told someone, anyone, and they’d help you in seconds. You wouldn’t have to be in pain or having to stop every other second to hide a wince or a grunt or-

Wind is this close to just stopping everything to scream in your face.

He takes a small glance over to you as you walk, and sighs. He knows you won’t listen to him if he tries to say something. And you’d probably be irritated at him instead for trying to make a fuss about it.

Wind doesn’t know what to do, or how to help you, without being pushed away.

You trip.

Wind is too shocked by the outcome to even try to stop you from falling face first into the ground.

Ok, not face first. You manage to twist yourself just in time to avoid a face on collision, but you land on your side in the process.

Your bad side.

You yell in pain which alerts the whole group ahead and behind you. But you don’t seem to care about that anymore. You finally give into the urge and curl in on yourself, rolling over so that the ground is against your good side and nothing is irritating whatever hit you’ve been hiding.

Wind has to nearly smack himself out of it before he makes it to your side. He can hear the other catching up, their footsteps thundering mutely on the dirt but he’s more focused on you and where your hand seems to be cradling your side.

He’s quick to peel your hand off and lift your shirt.

You’re too shocked and stunned from the pain to stop him. Enough so that you’re brain doesn’t even register it, so you don’t fight back.

He gasps at the the sight and his stomach turns ever so slightly.

It’s a massive bruise, from up to your ribs that are highlighted in a toxic green, down to your hip and it’s not even black and blue. It’s so bad there’s more red on the surface than purple and it makes it look like you’re covered in blood even if the skin hasn’t been breached.

He knows what caused this.

Two days ago the group had found themselves in the middle of a fight with not one, but three infected monsters and one of them had a nasty looking club. You were fighting with him and on one of them and had taken a hit directly to your side. It was strong enough that it sent you spinning through the air and right into a tree. He didn’t think much of it since you simply bounced back like nothing happened and proceeded to stab the thing through the skull, but if he tries hard enough, he think you hit the same side on the tree as well.

But you didn’t drink a potion, he doesn’t think he even saw you being healed by Hyrule. Which means that you just had this on you for so long and you just- weren’t going to tell anyone?!

Wind can feel his heart clench in tandem with his first, your shirt nearly ripping since it was trapped in between his fingers. “HYRULE!”

“What happened?” Warrior makes it to his side first and stops mid-step when he catches sight of it. “I’ll... go get the Traveler.”

There’s a few seconds in between before you shake off the pain and rip your clothes out of his grip, forcing yourself to get to your feet again.

Everyone is too shocked by what they’ve seen verses how you’ve acting that they almost let you but Wind has been next to you, watching you, and he still is. He catches that your arms are shaking as you put your weight on it, and when you try and compensate for your bad side, you nearly throw yourself over again from your bad balance.

Wind pushes you back down and keeps his hands on your shoulders so keep you from trying that again.

Hyrule takes his cue and slides on his knees until he reaches your side, his healing spell fluttering around his fingers and into the nasty bruise.

“Guys, I’m fine.”

“Cut the bullcrap.” Wind says, knowing that Twilight and Time are behind him with Sky not too far behind. He hopes they let that one slide at least. “It’s looks like you were stabbed fifty seven times and poisoned to top of it all.”

You look up at him then and sigh, the fight leaving instantaneously. “Whatever.”

“It’s not whatever!” He argues but you cut him off.

“It’s just a bruise. It’ll heal in a few days and nothing is broken. But because it’s you holding me down, I’ll let you heal me.” You try for a half smile but Wind thinks it falls flat. “I’m not even going to try and fight a pirate in my state. Take your victory for now.”

“You didn’t have to let it get so bad.” Hyrule scolds you and you don’t even have the decency of at least looking apologetic.

“It was the fall that really made it hurt.” You clench your jaw when your shirt gets lifted higher for Hyrule to heal the bruise on your ribs. “It was just awkward before that.”

“No it wasn’t” Wind frowns even harder. “You were walking funny. It hurt like hell back there too and for a while as well. Why didn’t you get treatment with the others? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Wind.” You say with as much patience you can muster. Your face begins to relax as the pain fades and the bruise changes to a more normal shade of purple with black spots. “We have no potions left. And Hyrule can only do so much healing in one go.”

“Speaking of...” Legend steps in and yanks Hyrule back by the shoulder, stopping the healing process.

Hyrule takes a minute to reorient himself and he steps away from a minute to catch his breath.

Wind takes another look at your injury and winces. While it looks significantly better than it did seconds prior, it’s not completely healed and would likely have to take more magic to heal on its own. They could just leave it there for the days it’ll take for it to heal naturally but Wind doesn’t like the idea of leaving you hurt for more than necessary.

“How were none of your bones broken?” Twilight asks in a quiet shocked voice.

“Oh no, there were many fractures, believe me.” Hyrule shakes his head. “Mostly minor but it’s crazy how they were able to still be standing, let alone walking. Didn’t any of that hurt?”

Wind takes a sharp breath and has to look away from you.

You were really good at hiding it then.

He misses the pained look on your face as he turns away and can’t see the hand you reach out to him. “Wind?”

“No.” He gulps and stand up. “This isn’t ok. You can’t do this. Say something next time, or I’ll never speak to you again.”

The second he says it, he feel childish for coming up with that threat in particular and while he wishes that there’ll never be a next time, he knows better.

Occupational hazard and all that jazz.

Your face morphs into one of sadness and you take your hand back. “Ok. Ok. I’ll be better next time.”

He supposes the threat worked after all.

#linked universe #linkeduniverse #linked universe x reader #hoo boy!#Twilight's might be the longest one yet #YET #is the key word #With Wind right up against him #I'm a roll today!#three more to go WOOOO!!

298 notes · View notes

lokiskitten · 4 years ago

Text

Request for @cara-serpens !!

“Loki is tortured, really badly tortured. He may be freed from the avengers and female reader ( which he knows well as she was always friendly to him ) but nobody really cares about his condition. It’s not just injuries and pain, but also pure fear as soon as someone approaches him. Will female readers succeed in making Loki feel safe? Can she take care of his wounds on the body and in the soul and give him a feeling of secureness and comfort? How would he react?”

Loki Laufeyson | gruesome torture

Loki Laufeyson x fem!reader

plot : after finding out that the Avengers have been secretly torturing Loki instead of sending him back to Asgard, you step forward and offer him your help in hopes that he will be able to recover.

warnings : dark!avengers, mention of physical torture, electrocution, mention of open wounds.

Screams of pain echoed through the underground levels of the Avengers’ compound, fuzzy sounds accompanying the groans and whines as you stepped forward through the hallway. You had been originally tasked to check up on the building’s batteries, the box being located a few floors bellow earth- but after hearing such noises you couldn’t help but grow curious but concerned regarding who could’ve been making such sounds. Following the screams, your feet were soon to lead you until a closed door against which you pressed your ear in order to receive confirmation regarding your doubts and chosen path. The screams had to come from the inside of this closed area. Without hesitation, your hand pushed against the metallic door and allowed it to open, shock filling your organism upon stumbling onto such a horrific sight.

None but the Asgardian god of mischief who was known as Loki appeared to be tied down against a metallic table, wrists and ankles restrained by leather straps which held hip back from escaping this gruesome situation. He was receiving electric shocks coming straight from a device locked against his scalp, which had easily led his hair to get messy. However, other form of bruises appeared to cover the rest of his naked body, whether they were sealed or open wounds. By the table’s side stood Tony- visibly enjoying to provide his enemy with pain though it was none but Banner who controlled the entire torture device. Whilst Stark simply wished to see pain and fear reflect in Loki’s eyes, Banner stood there in an uncomfortable manner. You could tell Tony had probably forcefully dragged him into this mess.

You were soon to understand that your leader had lied to all of you- claiming that they had lost Loki through the battle only to be able to sneak him down here in order to make his own justice. But this simply didn’t work out for you. Banner was the first one to notice your presence, though you had to speak up in order to catch Tony’s attention. “What are you doing?” You asked, watching as Iron Man’s head lifted to make eye contact with you. He knew that now was too late to back away, and that his prideful self would have to admit what he was doing without speaking a single lie to you if he wanted to maintain his reputation. “Just giving him a taste of his own medicine.” Tony answered arrogantly, easily leading you to drift off to the doctor in hopes to make this whole thing stop. You were aware that there was no way in hell you would’ve been able to make Tony change his mind.

“Stop this.” You ordered, earning a rather uncomfortable eye contact with Bruce who then looked towards his superior as if he was physically asking him if he was allowed to obey your order. “Banner- if you do this-..” Tony began, only to end up being cut off by your determined self. “Bruce. Whatever he told you, this is not the right way.” You spoke empathetically. Thankfully, your strategy adding up to the doctor’s natural empathy ended up leading the man to stop the electricity from nourishing the machine by pressing on a simple button, both of you earning a head shake from the Avenger standing by the table. “Jesus Christ-“ Tony cursed, feet beginning to lead him towards the controllers though you were soon to stand in his way in order to stop him.

“Does Thor know about this?” You asked, hoping that reminding Tony that Loki’s brother was one of yours would make him change his mind for good. Unfortunately for you, it was rare for Iron Man to ever fear much as his huge ego held him back from doing so. “There’s a lot of things Thor doesn’t know.” Joked the man, rudely underlining the fact that he believed Thor to be a muscular idiot whilst still trying to get past you. But your tough self refused to move, which ended up leading the older man to groan in annoyance. “Fine. Two hours break for him. I wouldn’t want to skip my lunch.” Tony spoke before making his way out of the secret torture room alongside Bruce who appeared to be in pure distress. The doors closed and locked behind you, trapping you in here with poor Loki who was still attempting to recover from this tough step.

He was panting, his chest rising and dropping at quite an incredible rate. You could tell that the demigod was exhausted, and even if he had wrecked havoc around New York, you couldn’t help but feel bad for him. Carefully nearing the table, you watched as droplets of sweat ran down his bare skin- which you soon understood was water that Tony had sprayed around after removing his armor to make sure the electricity would properly pass through his body. His ankles were the first thing you freed, remaining cautious regarding his usually agressive persona. You didn’t want to risk having him put his anger out on you. “I’m gonna free your wrists now, okay? Remember, I’m doing this to help you.” You informed before undoing the upper leather straps.

Unlike what you would’ve expected, Loki’s body simply rolled to the side before falling to the floor and nearly crushing your feet- which he would have if you hadn’t backed away after freeing him. He appeared lifeless, though you could clearly tell that he was breathing due to the weak movements of his back. The poor man simply didn’t have the strength to use his powers nor move any longer- and god knew for how many hours Tony had probably left him here, through pain and torture. You were soon to assume that Loki was probably cold, his wet and bare skin being an awful duo when it came to warmth. “I’ll fetch something to warm you up.” You informed before moving away from his body, walking around the room and seeking for a blanket or other piece of clothing to offer him.

Meanwhile, the demigod found the strength to turn around and look up at your back, surprised that a human such as you who on top of that was part of the avengers would agree to help him. Groaning out of pain as he sat up on his elbows, the raven haired man carried on following each of your steps to make sure you wouldn’t attack him by surprise. Thankfully, you were soon to lay your hands on a blanket, body turning around as you approached Loki’s injured self. However, the demigod surprisingly began to place his hand before his body and lower his head- probably out of fear that you were meant to hurt him again. Besides, humiliation stole away his envy of being touched by anyone at the moment. “Pl- please.. I learned my lesson.. I can’t take anymore of it...” he admitted breathlessly, earning a sigh from you.

“I’m not here to hurt you, Loki. Even if I admit you’d deserve a good beating for wrecking havoc in this city.” You answered, his blue eyes peeking up at you in a shy manner. “It’s just a blanket. See?” You added, raising the large piece of fabric above your chest to make sure he would be able to see it properly. After waiting for a couple of seconds, Loki ended up nodding weakly, visibly agreeing to receive the blanket he was in desperate need of. “Sit up.” You asked him, just in aim to be able to wrap the clothing around his back and keep him warm. However, when the male found himself sitting up on his bum, you couldn’t help but notice the wide scars which adorned his back. They appeared healed. “Is that from Tony?.. they look old-“ You began, only to be stopped by the demigod himself.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He responded as his hand rudely took ahold of the blanket, and all of that whilst avoiding eye contact with you. You sighed. “Fine. But looks like I’m trapped in here with you for now.. So the best we can do is remain polite.” You responded wisely before sitting down beside him as Loki wrapped the thick material around his body. It wasn’t the first time you had encountered the demigod, and you had felt surprised to see that he had stolen the Tesseract and attempted to reduce New York to dust. It just didn’t look like something he’d do. Unfortunately, your alliance with the avengers had always held you back from getting to know him better. You two made eye contact for a brief second which allowed you to notice the open wounds on his face and chest- the only part of his body which remained uncovered.

“Will you allow me to get a closer look at those? They might get infected..” you asked, tone lowering just so slightly as you remembered the way his healed scars looked. They didn’t appear as if anyone had taken care of them, which had resulted in a rather healed for sure but bumpy texture. Face to Loki’s lack of response, you decided to take the decision by yourself. Getting up from where you had been sitting, you made your way until the pharmacy cupboard which was part of Bruce’s small handmade lab. You managed to lay your hands on everything you needed- bandaids, alcohol, coton...- which now allowed you to make your way back to Loki. The raven haired man remained suspicious, looking up at you with squinted eyes and following every single one of your steps.

Upon sitting on your knees beside him, you could sense Loki attempting to move further away from you in the most discreet manner- a detail you didn’t bother to speak up about. You could understand he felt afraid and uncertain, but you were willing to prove to him that you meant ho harm or whatsoever. “Just a little bit of alcohol on a piece of coton will do just right.” You explained through your steps, keeping Loki informed of every move just like doctors did with young children. “It might sting a little, but I assume a tough guy like you went through worst, Mmh?” You joked before your hand gently started to approach Loki’s face, the man’s head backing away as you tried to reach his skin. It annoyed you.

“I’m afraid you’re gonna have to make efforts too, because otherwise we’re still gonna be here when Tony would have finished his lunch.” You explained, underlining that him constantly backing away could lead this cleaning process to take hours. After hearing this sentence, Loki’s head finally ceased to move away though his blue eyes remained on you- orbs shooting daggers and body getting ready to intervene if you ever attempted to backstab him and bring him harm. “Breath in.” You asked empathetically before allowing the alcohol coated coton to gently collide with the bruise on his nose. The poor boy winced loudly, his entire body tensing up as your arm went motionless. “I’m sorry.” You spoke, leading Loki’s eyelids to open.

“Sorry?..” he asked whilst making eye contact with you, his calm self now allowing your hand to take care of his face without letting go a single sound. “Yeah. Why?” You carried on discussing with him, believing that it was a good way of distracting his brain from the pain. Loki’s eyes looked away, orbs growing moist as he bit down on his gum. The truth was, no one had ever apologized for manhandling or neglecting him- and hearing you say such a thing to him had honestly reached and pierced through his heart within a matter of seconds. He couldn’t help but remember the horrors Thanos made him go through before he arrived in New York, and the constant conflicts with his father. However, his pride held him back from thanking you or allowing his tears to go down.

“There you go. All cleaned up.” You informed once you had finally finished to clean his face, this statement dragging Loki out of his painful thoughts. You got up from where you had been sitting in order to throw the dirty pieces of coton away and put the rest of the medical furnitures back in their place, and all of that whilst Loki allowed himself to get lost in his thoughts again. “This might cause a civil war, but I’ll inform you brother that you’re here as soon as I can.” You notified as the demigod finally found the strength to get up to his feet- blanket wrapped around his waist- though he still had to lean against the table for support. Is this what empathy feels like? The demigod asked himself as he continued to stare into the void. After such a long time spent by himself, he had forgotten about the many assets of friendship.

You kept Loki company until Tony finally unlocked the room for you to exit. Not once had the demigod thanked you for what you did and were about to do for him, and yet you still felt guilty about leaving him in Tony’s hands until you were able to find the god of thunder. However, for the first time ever, you had been able to distinguish fear and gratitude through Loki’s wealthy orbs.

I’m so sorry this took a while to write! Was having a writer’s block. But here it is now! I hope you was able to enjoy it❤️ take care.

special tag for my best friend @devilsuga who I’d heal and protect on my life if I had to.

355 notes · View notes

equestrianwritingsstuff · 3 years ago

Note

More drugged villain please?

Okay so I did not know if this was an ask for a new piece, or a continuation of Paying For It. Because I already am planning on Paying For It Part 2, this is going to be a new piece, so ladies and gents I present to you *drumroll*...

Villain Pursuit

@shydragonrider

Warnings: drugged whumpee, tranq dart, needles, fever, tired characters, chasing of whumpee, bullet wound, guns, infection, descriptions of injuries, knocked out by blunt force, kidnapping

*not edited, sorry*

"He is getting much weaker," Hero reported as she stood in front of her boss, Superhero. "His right leg is very swollen and he can hardly walk, much less run. I believe it is infected and-" a yawn "- and he can hardly walk in a straight line anymore."

"Then, why didn't you grab him if he is this easy?" Superhero asked, ignoring his employee's obvious signs of exhaustion- it has been a long, rough two weeks of chasing a villain across multiple states. One of the other heroes managed to shoot his leg in hopes of incapacitating him, but the slippery villain somehow walked it off. Or, he did and now the wound was badly infected.

"He disappeared into a crowd," Hero replied. "I think it's time to chase him down and sedate him or something. If he continues like this, he is going to die."

Superhero nodded curtly in agreement. "Okay," he sighed. "We go out there and we do not rest until Villain is safetly behind bars."

Hero narrowed her eyes at the bluntness in Superhero's voice, but decided that her boss was just tired. She also reckoned that was the reason he didn't mention the infirmary as Villain's first destination after capture.

He was just tired, right?

《~~》

"Okay," Hero said, adjusting the tranq gun on her belt. "There he is."

Villain was laying against the steps to a door in an alleyway. His head was thrown backwards against his shoulder, eyes cracked open in semi-consciousness. His injured leg was stretched out whereas the other was curled up in an attempt to use some leverage to support himself. One arm was propped to keep himself upright, the other strewn to the side.

"He looks horrible," Teammate commented, chewing nervously on his lip. "I doubt its going to take much to put him out."

"Yeah, me neither," Hero agreed, feeling a rising nausea in her stomach. The pair crept towards the injured villain. Hero glanced over to see more heroes also advancing to corner the man.

But, at the last moment before Hero was able to shoot the dart, Villain saw them. He scrambled up his feet, leaning heavily against the door and swaying wildy. He looked over all the heroes, before turning and running off.

Hero cursed under her breath and sped after the hobbling villain. For a moment, she felt absolutely sorry for him. He could hardly stay on his feet, his right leg not even stepping that much on the ground. She could hear his pained groans from where she was.

Hero stopped running and drew out her tranq gun. Whispering an apology, she let the dart fly.

The feathered dart hit Villain directly in the side of his neck. He stumbled a bit, the drug already taking effect. He made an awkward circle- more of an oval- before collapsing backwards on the ground, his arms limply trying to break his fall, but they failed. His head crashed into the ground, leaving him laying in a motionless heap.

Hero grimaced. She never saw someone go down that quickly from the tranq gun before.

She walked up to the villain, crouching down and staring at him. An odd mixture of defeat and relief expressed itself on his unconscious face. Hero sighed, running a hand through her hair, before taking a look at his swollen leg.

The bullet that previously imbedded itself in his leg was gone, leaving a very infected gash. His whole calf was twice the size it would normally be- due to the infection and the fact that he seemed to have a badly sprained ankle.

"Finally!" Teammate exclaimed, sitting down exhausted next to Hero. "I was getting to the point of just shooting him and being done-"

"Look at this," Hero gestured towards his leg. She pressed into the flesh, it wasn't like he could feel it. It was burning hot.

"Yeah, looks nasty. I'm gonna call Superhero and then let's get him to the infirmary," Teammate said and went to call their boss.

Hero positioned herself by Villain's head and placed it in his lap. For some reason, even though he was incapable of realizing her presence, she felt a call to comfort him.

"It'll be okay buddy," Hero whispered, brushing the unwashed hair out of Villain's face. "Just hang on for me, will you?"

Superhero came within a few minutes, oddly without the aid of doctors and nurses. Hero watched with a perplexed look on her face while Teammate shrugged, also very confused.

Superhero smirked down at the unconscious man, nonchalantly using his foot and shoving his shoulder over. Villain rolled deeper into Hero's lap, his muscles devoid of any resistance.

"Well good job my heroes," Superhero said in an annoyingly chirpy voice. "Help me get him into my car, and I'll take him to the, uh, infirmary."

Hero nodded curtly, but really she found this odd. Why was Superhero taking Villain? What if Villain woke up? Maybe he meant for Teammate and Hero to join him in the ride and just harmlessly forgot to mention it?

Teammate and Hero loaded Villain into the back of the car and buckled his limp body up. They had him in a sitting position with his leg dangling over his chest, arms lazily lying at his sides.

"Thank you so much, guys. Really, great job," Superhero applauded in an interestingly quick voice. Hero smiled back and prepared to ride shotgun.

"Wait! No, no, no," Superhero chuckled nervously. "Honey, why don't you and Teammate go home and get some sleep. You two have been working incredibly hard."

Hero detected the tension in her boss's voice, but chose to ignore it. Truthfully, she was too tired to argue and the thought of collapsing on her bed and sleeping was too tempting. She stepped back and Superhero got into his car and drove away.

《~~》

"It's been a week Hero," Teammate spoke over in between sips of his morning coffee. "A week and no signs of Superhero, we can't visit Villain, and the agnecy is a mess."

"Yeah, kind of odd," Hero agreed, looking out the window and across the busy street. She took a lip of her own coffee and glanced bavk over at her partner. "Maybe we should call him."

"Yeah." Teammate nodded, then a mischievous grin dawned on his face. "You do it," he challenged.

But Hero was not in the mood for games. She flipped out her phone and dialed her boss's number.

"Hey Hero, how are-" cough "-you." The superhero on the otherside of the line sniffled.

"Are you sick boss?" Hero asked, brow furrowing in concern.

"Yeah, just the flu. Nothing serious, just miserable."

Was it Hero's ears playing tricks on her, or did Superhero's voice seem suddenly much less congested?

"Oh well I'm sorry. Rest up and we'll see you next week."

"Is everything okay Hero?"

"Yep all good."

It was not all good. Hero hung up and looked over at Teammate. A wordless conversation passes between them and they both hustled to their feet and practically ran out the door.

Superhero lived on the outskirts of the city in a vintage farmhouse. Hero's sport car felt very out of place in the picturesque view of the red barn and old tractor.

Teammate knocked on the screen door and stepped back. Hero tried not to notice, but he had a gun with him.

"Coming! I'm coming!" Superhero's clearly not sick voice rang out. Hero heard the poudning of footsteps before Superhero, dreased in a sweatpants and a tank top, opened the door.

His face paled at the sight of his employees.

"Oh, hey ack. What brings you here? I said I was totally good," Superhero chuckled, tapping his fingers against the doorframe.

"Cut the bull Superhero." Teammate drew his gun. "Where is Villain?"

Hero was shocked. She didn't really piece two and two together, but it seemed like Teammate did.

Superhero had Villain.

"No where. What makes you think-"

Teammate brought the barrel of the gun to Superhero's temple, knocking him out. He immediately rushed over and stuck his boss with a needle.

"What?" Hero asked, astonished.

"I'm always prepared. Never trusted that guy anyways," Teammate replied, turning his nose up slightly at Superhero's sleeping form in amusement, before rushing into the house. Hero followed.

They found Villain unconscious on the floor of the basement. His arm was strewn over his face, bruised and bloodied.

Hero ran over and took one look at the villain an immediately knew that he was in reallt bad shape. The original infection seemed to be drained, but it was still quite pussy. Also, the swelling did not yet go down.

Teammate grabbed Villain's arm and turned it over to reveal tiny holes. Hero swallowed. He has been drugged, she realized with a shudder.

Teammate, without another word, scooped Villain into his arm and carried him back up the stairs. Hero followed, stunned into silence.

When they came across Superhero's peacefully sleeping form, Hero brought her heel down onto his nose. With a satisfying crunch, it broke.

"Serves you right," Hero whispered, voice dripping with malice.

Teammate had Villain lying in the backseat of the small car, his bad leg resting against his jacket as a pillow. Hero scooted in next to him, laying his head on her lap. "Okay, let's go," she said and Teammate droved to her house.

The first thing the two did was get the disgusting, soiled articles of clothing off Villain's partially starved body. He immediately started to shiver, convulsions overtaking his body.

"Okay, he need to be warmed up," Hero said. "Bath?"

"No, wrap him in warm blankets and then sit with him on the couch. I need to tend to this leg ASAP," Teammate said, voice completely focused and monotoned.

Hero did as she was told, swaddling Villain in a fluffy beige blanket. She laid his upper body across her lap as Teammate went to work on properly draining the abscess. Villain didn't stir and Hero got worried. She checked his pulse finding it too fast and erratic to be normal.

"Okay done." Teammate cleaned his hands off on a paper towel and doused the wound with antiseptic. When that was done, he wrapped the gash in thick bandages.

Hero clutched Villain, dragging him closer to her. Waking up slightly, he nuzzled his face into her arm. Then, he stilled again, asleep.

"What are we going to do about him?" Hero whispered. "Superhero won't let us get away..."

"I know." Teammate rubbed his eyes. "That's why I am going to pack and we are running away."

#villain whumpee #superhero whumper #hero caretaker #teammate caretaker #hero x villain #drugged whumpee #drugged villain #evil superhero #guns tw #unconscious villain #kidnapping #injured villain

125 notes · View notes

andvys · 4 years ago

Text

Longing (part 17)

Warnings: angst, self destructive behavior, kinda self harm, kinda dark!reader

Pairing: Ellie Williams x reader

Author’s note: this took me way too long and it’s kinda rushed and not the best one I've written but I promise the next one will be better.

Opening your eyes slowly, you patted the spot next to you to find it empty, Ellie must've gotten up already. You noticed how tired and exhausted you were despite hours of sleeping. These past few weeks have really taken a toll on you and your health. Your body was full of scars and bruises and not just physically. Pain shot through your shoulder when you tried to get up, groaning you clutched your shoulder and fell back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling your thoughts drifted off to last night.

This has by far been the worst day since Joel’s death and you didn't even know what the worst part about it was. Torturing and killing Nora or fighting Abby and getting your ass kicked by her. You planned on killing her and yet you failed.

You were angry at yourself, you almost died yesterday and not just once and you only survived because of that boy. He prevented you from getting killed on the streets and he prevented you from getting killed by Abby, twice. You were getting weak and that was the last thing you needed right now, you had to stay strong in order to kill Abby, otherwise it wouldn't be her getting killed but you or even worse Ellie and Jesse and you would never let that happen.

Getting up, you ignored the pain in your shoulder and started to put on the clothes that Ellie laid out for you, you didn't even know where she got them from but you were thankful for not having to wear your bloody and dirty clothes again. Tying the laces on your boots you got up to find your reflection staring back at you through the large mirror.

Walking closer you almost gasped at the sight of yourself. Abby has done a good job on you, you were covered in bruises and new cuts that would surely leave scars. Your lip was busted and your throat was covered in dark purple and blue bruises. As if the big guy hadn't done enough, Abby had to leave marks of her own around your throat. You were surprised that you could still talk.

How could you let it get this far? No one has ever managed to cover you in so many bruises and you fought people twice Abby’s size before. You didn't even know who you were more angry at, Abby or yourself?

She was the one who put you in this state but you were the one that you let her. You let her beat you, you let her be stronger than you. You were so blinded by anger and rage that you didn't turn your logic on when you were fighting her, you just attacked her without thinking first.

You were so incredibly angry at yourself. Your father would've laughed at you.

‘how are you gonna survive in this world when you can't even defend yourself?’

Shaking your head you tried to get his voice out of your head but it kept repeating itself. You felt tears well up in your eyes, your breathing got heavier by the second and you couldn't stand looking at yourself anymore.

Balling your hand up into a fist, you punched into the mirror, breaking it, you sliced your skin open in the process but you didn't even feel it, you were consumed by anger. You just kept punching it until your hand was covered in blood.

Ellie was sitting in one of the seats, playing guitar when she heard the sound of glass shattering coming from the room you were in. Immediately she put the guitar down and rushed over to you, right when she was about to open the door, it was already pulled open by you.

Startled at the sight of her standing there you jumped back slightly, blinking a couple of times, you went to move past her but she didn't let you. She looked at you in shock, her eyes drifted down to your bloody hand. She didn't know what to say, she could tell this wasn't an accident by the way you avoided looking into her eyes.

“(Y/n)..” she whispered, with a shocked expression on her face.

“I’m fine, Ellie.” you mumbled, looking down.

“No you're not, give me your hand.” she said, grabbing your hand to examine the cuts. You didn't want her to see you like this but you knew there was no way that she would just let you walk away like this and you couldn't resist her puppy eyes anyways. “Alright, luckily there is no glass stuck in your skin.”

Pushing you back into the room she told you to sit on the bed while she went to grab some supplies.

“Okay, found some stuff..” she said, walking back into the room, glancing at the broken mirror briefly before she sat down next to you. Grabbing your hand gently, she started cleaning the blood off your hand.

You didn't even wince when she started disinfecting the wound with alcohol, too deep in thought to feel the pain. Ellie noticed that and eyed you worriedly.

“Alright all done.” she said, grabbing your hand so you wouldn't try to leave again “babe?”

Looking down, you didn't want her to look at your face, you looked broken and you knew it, you were supposed to look strong and not like some weak kid.

“Babe look at me, please.” she pleaded, squeezing your hand.

Taking a deep breath, you looked up at her, noticing the sad and worried look she had on her face. “I’m here, you can talk to me you know that right?”

“I know.” you whispered.

“I don't want to lose you (y/n).” she said, moving closer to you, she brushed a piece of hair behind your ear, looking at you with sad eyes.

Feeling your heart squeeze in your chest at her words you pulled her into a hug. “You won't lose me Ellie. I promise.” you said, holding her tightly.

She held onto you tightly, not wanting to let you go. She was so worried when you were out there all alone. She hated to think about you being in danger and she hated it even more that you were hurt and almost killed out there. She wanted to tell you to just stay here while she finished it but she knew there was no stopping you from going after Abby and you would never sit back while Ellie was out there on her own.

Pulling away you noticed the worried look in your lovers eyes, your gaze immediately softened “Ellie, I promise you that you won't lose me, I’ll be with for as long as I’m alive.” you said, pecking her lips softly. “We lost too much time with each other already don't you think?” you asked her.

She nodded her head, a sad smile tugging on her lips.

“Well it was kinda my fault..” you admitted ‘as always’ you thought to yourself.

“Hey we’re together now, that's all that matters.” Ellie said, bringing your hand up to her lips, kissing it softly.

Your heart jumped at her saying you were together.

“Together..” you trailed off “does that mean I can call you my girlfriend now?” you asked shyly

Ellie’s eyes widened at your question, her heartbeat got increasingly faster. Never in a million years would she have though that you'd be the one asking her to be your girlfriend. She always guessed that she would be the one asking you that question.

“I- of course, fuck.. of you can call me your girlfriend.. I mean I- always wanted to call you my girlfriend but- alright I will stop rambling now..” Ellie mumbled the last part.

Smiling slightly at her, you leaned and kissed her lips softly, she grabbed your face and pulled you closer, kissing you back.

You probably didn't deserve her but you couldn't resister her, she made you feel alive, she made you feel safe and at home. Her touch was able to make you forget every worry that you had, she was able to calm you down even in times like this, she was like an anchor for you.

Pulling away from the kiss, you looked into her eyes and all you could find there was love and adoration for you.

“Come on, we have to discuss a few things.” you said, getting up, you grabbed your backpack and your swords.

“Yeah hold on.” she said, grabbing your hand she turned you around and pulled you in again, kissing you one more time before you both had to go out there again.

Grabbing her waist, you pulled her closer, kissing her back.

“Hey sleepyheads I- oh my god... not again!” Jesse came bursting into the room and immediately left and closed the door again.

Pulling away from her you furrowed your brows “what a dumbass” you said shaking your head. Ellie chuckled at you “He’ll never learn how to knock.” Ellie mumbled.

“Yeah.. alright let’s go.”

After you explained everything Nora told you about why they were after Joel you discussed the route to the Aquarium and were finally on the way there. It was raining and you could her the faint rumbling of thunder from afar. Ellie and Jesse were behind you, talking about Dina and the baby. You weren't in the mood to talk so you just walked ahead of them, keeping an eye out for infected or worse, people.

You came to the conclusion that people were worse than infected. At least they couldn't help attacking you, it was their nature but people, they have the choice and yet they still do horrible things. Not that you were any different but at least you weren't enjoying this.

Perking up at the sound of voices coming from somewhere up ahead, you looked back at Ellie and Jesse motioning for them to hide. You ran behind a car, next to Ellie, pulling out your gun, you didn't even hesitate when you started shooting at them, the second you saw them. Ellie looked at you in surprise, this wasn't like you, you usually counted the enemies before jumping straight in to the line of fire.

She jumped up and started shooting at them too, killing one of them just in time before he went to pull the trigger of the gun that was pointed at your head. Jesse was shooting at them from the side.

They were quickly dealt with, you went to one of the soldiers and grabbed his rifle and his handgun.

Ellie and Jesse glanced at each other in worry.

“What the hell was that (y/n)?” Ellie asked with an accusing tone.

Turning around to look at her, you notice both Ellie and Jesse staring at you.

“What do you mean?” You asked, looking back in forth between them.

“That!” Ellie exclaimed, pointing to the dead soldiers. “That was dumb.”

Rolling your eyes at her, you turned around and went to walk away only to have Ellie pulling you back by grabbing your shoulder, you almost winced at the pain, she must've forgotten your injury.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me (y/n).” She demanded, looking at you with an angry expression. “This guy almost shot you.”

“So? He didn't, thanks to you.” You stated and turned around again, not wanting to keep talking about this.

You had to admit, what you did was stupid but you just wanted to get this over with as quickly as you could.

Ellie looked back to Jesse, not knowing what to do. He just shrugged and followed you.

After you encountered more WLF’s, you and Ellie parted ways with Jesse after overhearing a conversation about a sniper. You all assumed it must've been Tommy so Jesse went after him while you and Ellie kept moving towards the aquarium. Everything was going great until you saw more WLF’s fighting with another group, you wanted to get past them but they've seen your boat already and started shooting at you from afar.

“Fuck this is the group I told you about.” you grumbled, you knew it was them by the way they were dressed. They all had long coats on when you saw them yesterday and these guys were dressed the same, so it was clearly them.

“Let’s fuck em up then.” Ellie said, moving the boat near the house so you could go inside.

Grabbing your your rifle out of your backpack you moved closer to them, they haven't seen you walk into the building yet, one of them was standing by the broken window looking for you and Ellie.

Aiming your rifle at her head, you pulled the trigger, her body fell to the ground. You heard more running down the stairs, aiming your gun at them you quickly shot them as well. This was easy. Too easy.

“(y/n)! watch out!” Ellie yelled

You turned around quickly, just in time to move out of the way when a man swung his hatchet at you. He grunted when he missed you, Ellie started shooting at him but missed when she was attacked by another guy, “Ellie!” you yelled out, you wanted to help her but you had to get past this guy first.

You ran back, keeping distance between you and the guy in front of you, aiming your rifle at him, you pulled the trigger but it clicked empty. “Fuck.” you grumbled when the guy started walking towards you. You threw your rifle at him, hitting him in his face, you almost wanted to laugh at his expression.

You grabbed both your swords out and waited for him to attack. He came towards you with a scowl on his face, swinging his hatchet at your head, you dodged it and swung your sword at his arm, cutting him deep with your blade. He cried out in pain but that seemed to piss him off even more, he lunged at you without swinging his hatchet this time but you already knew you won the fight when you saw his angry expression. Anger makes you stronger but it also made you dumber. He almost reminded you of yourself yesterday.

You ducked down and moved behind him, giving him no time to react you stabbed your sword through his back, the blade moved through his chest, he gasped and fell to the floor when you pulled your sword out.

Turning around, you ran towards Ellie, just when you were about to help her she already stabbed the guy in the neck, making him grunt in pain. She pulled her knife out, blood splattered across her face making her cringe in disgust.

“Fuck.. I hate these assholes.” she grumbled, wiping the blood away.

“Me too.” you said, moving towards her you grabbed her face, noticing that she a cut on her cheek.

She noticed the worried look on your face, grabbing your hand that was resting on her cheek she assured you that she was fine.

“At least it’s not deep, it won't leave a scar on your pretty face.” you said, making her blush. “Even if it did, you'd still be the most beautiful girl.” you said, winking at her before you went back to the boat, leaving her standing there blushing.

She blinked a few times before snapping out of her thoughts, you always decided to tease her at the worst moments. Shaking her head, she followed you out.

You found an old arcade and were now looking for a way out of there. Happy about getting away from the storm for a second, your clothes were sticking to your skin, uncomfortably.

You were looking for supplies when you heard a load crash and Ellie’s scream. You pulled your sword out thinking she ran into infected or something you ran out of the room to find a large hole in the floor that hasn't been there before. “Ellie!” you ran towards the hole, looking down you found her laying there, grunting in pain “I’m fi- oh fuck!” she got up quickly “fucking bloater!” she cursed before running away. You saw the bloater go after her, groaning.

Your heart was beating so fast you were sure it would jump out. Putting your sword back, you prepared a molotov and lit up the rag before jumping down, grunting when pain shot through your ankle.

Ignoring it, you ran towards the bloater and threw the molotov at him, lighting him up. His attention immediately turned to you instead of Ellie. He started walking towards you but Ellie grabbed her shotgun and shot him a couple of times, killing him.

Looking at Ellie you were just about to ask her if she was alright when you saw two infected jump down from the second floor, rolling your eyes you grabbed your swords out “they are mine.” you said, Ellie moved out of the way watching you, one infected ran towards you while the other one still struggled to get up. You stabbed it through it’s chest, his movement stilled and you pulled your sword out, splattering blood on your clothes in the process, moving towards the other infected, just when he was about to get up, you swung your sword at it’s head, the blade cut clean through his neck.

Shaking the blood off your swords you put them back. Turning around to look at Ellie, you noticed her staring at you “that was..kinda hot.” she said, scratching the back of her neck.

Snorting at her “you think me being all wet and covered in blood is hot?” you asked, not realizing the way it sounded until you saw her smirk at you.

Shaking your head, you turned around to move upstairs and search for a way out.

“You gotta admit, that did sound kind of wrong..” you heard Ellie say from behind you.

“Whatever..”

After some struggles with the boat and a tidal wave almost drowning you and Ellie you managed to find your way to the aquarium.

“You okay with facing her again?” you asked Ellie, eyeing her in worry.

“I should be the one asking you this but yeah I just wanna finish it.” she said, looking through the broken window before jumping inside.

You followed her inside, looking at her, you noticed she was staring back at you, silently asking you if you were okay with seeing her again.

“I’m gonna be fine Ellie.” You assured her, squeezing her hand before moving further inside.

“hey, we can go crawl through here.” you pointed to the vents.

“yeah that could work.” Ellie said, moving towards it, she crawled inside.

Following her inside, you started crawling.

Suddenly you heard a weird noise and Ellie stopped crawling “oh.. no.” she grunted before the vent broke and she went falling down.

“Fuck Ellie!” you called out, crawling faster towards the hole when you suddenly heard barking. Jumping down, you saw the dog on top of Ellie barking and trying to bite her, you quickly grabbed your knife out of your belt and stabbed the dog, throwing it off her. “Are you okay?” you asked, helping her up.

“yeah, stupid dog.” she grumbled.

You looked down at the dog sadly, you used to love dogs.

“alright come on.” you said.

You walked through an empty room, checking it out before moving into the next one. You found a bag laying on the floor, moving towards it, you crouched down and looked inside, finding a familiar necklace, it had a firefly on it and the name Owen Moore.

Your father used to have one of those too, he always had it with him, even after they kicked him out. He died with that stupid necklace around his neck.

“hey what you got there?” Ellie asked, snapping you out of your thoughts, she came up from behind you.

“uh firefly necklace, belongs to that Owen guy.” you said, giving it to her.

She examined it before throwing it back into the bag.

“Let’s keep moving” she said, before leaving the room.

You went after her, stopping in front of a door. You heard muffled voices coming from behind that door. Glancing at Ellie you nodded your head, telling her to go in.

She opened the door quietly and walked inside with you behind her, you saw two people fighting they were talking about Abby. You definitely recognized them both from that day.

Just when the women was about to leave she spotted you and Ellie, gasping, she backed away, alerting Owen who looked surprised at you two standing there. “Hands up!” Ellie ordered, aiming her gun at them. They did what she told, putting their hands up.

Pulling your sword out, in case any of them tried anything, you stood next to Ellie.

“Where’s Abby?” Ellie asked, pointing her gun at the women.

You glanced at Owen who seemed to study your and Ellie’s faces. Realization struck his face “you two are from Jackson.”

“Tell me where she went!”

“How do we know you won't kill us?” the women asked, with a shaky voice.

“You give her what they want’s and we’re both dead.” Owen said.

“You guys can survive this, we just want her.” you said, hoping they would just tell you where she was, you were tired of killing people.

“Bullshit.”

Ellie pulled her map out, looking at the women “you. come here.” she said calmly.

“Fucking get over here!” Ellie said with an angry voice.

The women went over to her, with a scared look on her face.

“point to where she is on the map.” she said “and then you.” she pointed her gun at Owen “and it better fucking match up.” she said, aggressively.

“Okay..” the women said, looking at the map “what are you doing?” Owen asked angrily.

“She's probably dead anyway!” she exclaimed

“It’s not worth it.” he said, moving closer to her “back off buddy.” you said, pointing your blade towards his neck, he immediately stepped back.

“point to where she is.” Ellie ordered, her voice was heavy, rage and anger filled her. You felt it radiating off her, you don't think that you have ever seen her this way.

“fucking point!” she yelled at the women, pointing her gun at her, Owen tried to move past your swords and grab Ellie’s gun but you were faster than him, you kicked him in his stomach making him gasp, he clutched his stomach, stepping back.

You heard the women yelp at the sight of you attacking Owen.

He straightened up and tried to punch you but you dodged his fist and threw a punch at his face, deciding to get this over with as quick as possible you stabbed your sword through his chest. He gasped out in pain, looking into your eyes in horror, you couldn't help but stare back into his eyes, you realized how terrified he looked. A shiver ran down your spine at the way he was looking at you. He started falling down to his knees, the weight pulling you down with him when he fell. Pulling your sword out you let him fall back. Looking down at him in shock you looked down at his dead body, his eyes still open.

“oh no.. no...no..!” you heard Ellie mumble from behind you “oh fuck..”

Turning around slowly you looked up at Ellie who was clutching her stomach while walking backwards, she looked like she was about to have a panic attack.

Looking down on the floor where the women was laying dead on the floor, you noticed her stomach. She was pregnant. Your eyes widened and then looked at Ellie who fell down on her knees.

“Fuck...” you sighed, getting up you ran towards Ellie, dropping down on the floor in front of her, you grabbed her face in your hands “Ellie...”

She was sobbing, trying to catch her breath. “fuck Ellie.. breathe with me” you said, grabbing her face with one hand you made her look at you and put her hand on your chest “breathe with me Ellie.” you said, she nodded her head, feeling your heartbeat and your chest move under her hand. She tried to take deep breaths, your touch and your voice immediately managed to calm her down.

“You're doing great baby.” you whispered, pulling her closer when her breathing got slower.

You were so distracted with calming her down that you didn't hear the door open or the footsteps coming your way until you heard your name being called. Looking up you found Tommy and Jesse standing there, looking around you.

Jesse looked at the pregnant woman in shook, while Tommy made sure that Ellie was alright. He helped you get her up “come on, let’s get out of here.” he said.

You grabbed Ellie’s hand and started to pull her out of the room. She turned to look back “come on, don't look Ellie.” you said, grabbing her waist you guided her out, glancing at Owen’s dead body one last time.

You weren't sure if you would recover from this. If Ellie would recover from this.

You have killed before but never like this. You would never forget the way he looked at you when you stabbed your sword through his chest.

You always told yourself that you only kill when it’s absolutely necessary but was it necessary this time? You could've just knocked him out but you didn't.

You were done with this, you didn't want to do this anymore.

You just had to kill one more person. Just one person and then this all would be over.

#ellie williams x reader #ellie williams imagine #ellie williams #tlou ellie #tlou imagines

187 notes · View notes