#my depression has been kicking the shit out of me for like 2 months now

[melvinthedepressedrobot]

can life just cut me a fucking break for like five fucking minutes? please?

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

🦐 to recognize my post

Am I the asshole for asking my grandmother if I can move in with her?

This’ll be one of your classic reddit-style family dramas, I think. Back in late 2019 just before COVID, I (freshly 18 at the time) had run away from home with my mom and moved in with my best friend (R, 17 in 2019) and her (60s, deeply depressed) dad. Her dad and I were on good terms for a long time, but respectfully, he has a tendency to repress any issues he has with someone until they build into a bigger issue. Near toward November of 2020, he kicked me out on account of ‘not keeping a job and not doing anything around the house’ (I washed stagnant dishes often, took care of their several animals, and took out trash whenever I could, R and I think he was projecting his shitty roommates from when he was 20 onto me), so I needed a new place to move.

My own beloved father lives ten hours away, and offered for me to live with him. For months, I was preparing to pick up my entire life from the hometown I had lived in since I was 2 years old to move to a new state, and in the last month, I got cold feet and said I couldn’t make such a large change like that. My dad completely understood, and I went to look for a new place to stay, still living with R and her dad at this time.

During this period, I was getting closer with my grandmother on my mom’s side again. She was one of the few family members I felt comfortable with, and we often went to Panera for lunch dates to catch up on things. I won’t go super deep into why I’m so anxious about the rest of the family, because that would require an entire several page google document to explain (especially now that we’re actively banned from holidays).

It was around this time I asked my grandmother if I could move into one of her five or six spare rooms upstairs. My grandfather had died in the last couple of months, and I was confident that if she needed any help (she’s in her mid eighties) moving things upstairs or cleaning the house, I would be beyond glad to do it for her. She then hesitated and said it may be a better idea for me to move in with my dad after all (which was odd, because she hates my dad’s guts, as does the rest of my family), and I let it go after that. I didn’t push, I would just need to find a new place. 

Well, word got around, and she told my aunts and older cousins in passing. I don’t remember if I got sent anything in specific, but one of my aunts (mother’s older sister who I'm genuinely terrified of) absolutely fucking exploded on my (54 at the time) mom, giving her a several paragraph long shitstorm of a message saying she was a terrible mother for letting me take advantage of my grandmother, calling her horrible things, slurs, and insulting her wife, and it got back to me somehow. I was fucking shredded apart emotionally.

Since then, I have moved back in with my mother out of necessity and we have totally reconciled our relationship in the three or so years I’ve been home, and my entire mother’s side of the family- aside from my grandmother- has completely cut contact and don’t invite us to holidays anymore, for significantly more ridiculous reasons than me asking my grandmother what I did.

My mother’s side of the family ostracized her, myself, and my sister since my mother first married my dad 25ish years ago, and has just never treated her the same since, which explains some of the hostility (I want to specify, I’m confident that my mother did nothing outright wrong for this, my family is extremely far-right and EXTREMELY judgemental, and my mom bore unnecessary vitrol for everything she went through), but I need to know if I was actually the asshole for asking to move in with my grandmother, who even now still cares about me as family and lives alone. I could give less of a shit what my aunt thinks now (she lives an entire day’s drive away, in a different state as well), but I can’t help but shake the fear that I was actually taking advantage of her kindness or something of the sort. Was this a wrong thing to ask? Was this actually too much, and should I not have bothered?

What are these acronyms?

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

6 month solstice/full moon check-in livejournalstyle

So i've been advised to recap the past 6 months. Especially since this current Capricorn full moon is exacting at 1 degree Capricorn which happens to be the same degree as My Ascendant. (Pinkmoondoll number 1 :@!!!!!)

The Cancer full moon happened at around 5 degrees on december 26th 2023. That is my ex's birthday. On winter solstice 2023, exactly 6 months ago, i cut her out of my life. We were already broken up for a long time before that but i continued to let her stay in my life for a few reason, namely guilt & fear. Guilt because of the emotional turmoil she projected onto me & fear because, well, we are married and i didn't know what would happen to my immigration status if i cut her off. I still don't! This has not changed yet.

Pretty much everything else about me & my life has changed though. internally at least. Having her out of my life has allowed me so much freedom to get back to who i am & live with integrity. The only people left in my life now are ones who are respectful, kind, have their own shit going on, appreciate that i am my own person too, allow me to breathe, don't expect anything specific from me, don't toy with my mind & emotions. They are just glad to let me be who i am. No one tries to control me anymore. i feel so wonderful because no one can control me.

So the past 6 months has been a series of stages of getting back to Me. unraveling all the lies i was fed for years, healing from the pain of being manipulated, feeling that so much of my energy was wasted. Truly truly wasted. i'm not one of those people who can live without regrets lol. i wish i broke free so much sooner, the stress destroyed my health for years. But ultimately, this is how it went down, so i strive towards acceptance.

For the first few months of this year i was really on a huge substance abuse kick! im not gonna specify what, but iykyk. Like i really just could not bear the weight of what i was feeling. Every day i was finding out more and more info about lies i'd been told, stuff happening behind my back. All i could rly do was take pills & tunnel vision into ableton or drawing or whatever. it helped repress my emotions & i got a lot done during this time but it was unhealthy & the more it progressed i saw how unsustainable it was.

around spring equinox shit HIT THE FAN e_e So this would be the quarter year mark. Well it was march 15 when denji ate the ziploc bag and had to get emergency obstruction removal surgery. That immediately halted all projects i was working on. I was still taking a lot of pills to cope with the stress of that situation & at that point i needed them just to function at a base level. Then i think april 4th or 5th was when i found out Sammy died, which...i mean yeah i've spoken a lot on how horrific that was & still remains to be.

I mean , like, that shit, rearranged my whole brain, that shit reset me. this also marked the time period where like... my psychic senses really began evolving. idt it was necessarily linked to sammy's death, it just weirdly shifted around that time. i think the lunar eclipse in late march caused some type of quantum leap idk man idek. Then the solar eclipse in april sealed the deal. Ever since then the craziest stuff that i cant even rly talk about has been happening to me & i immediately felt compelled to like, quit all drugs and just fucking ascend lol.

Sooo first i started w pill numero uno, the really diabolical one, middle of april i just said fuck it, i am done. at this point i had abused it so hard it wasnt even doing shit for me anymore, even when i took tolerance breaks, it was genuinely pointless to continue. i did wonder how the fuck i was ever gonna function without it and i was scared. The final few weeks of april were just a total write off, didnt do shit, totally depressed & grieving & miserable but weirdly hopeful too. Like i knew i just had to suffer and get it over with.

pill 2 was actually pretty easy to cut back on because ive quit it a bunch of times before & know what to expect, and since i was already suffering so bad from pill 1 after about a week i thought yeah i might as well stop the other one too lol. there was no noticable increase in suffering from stopping it. So by the 2nd week of May it had been around 3 weeks of feeling like pure ass but i was starting to feel WAYYYY better and my normal goofy self again.

That is the worst thing about adhd meds for me lol they robbed me of my whimsy and goofiness T_T Like i was so serious all the time T_T it was even kinda affecting my relationship w slimbo. Like i couldnt be affectionate i was just a robot. All i cared about was working and i was so impatient. As i came off the meds i started to remember how nice it is to just be slow, be in the moment, enjoy simple things with my love, not constantly bound to this gnawing neurosis pushing me to squeeze maximum productivity out of every single second.

like i said , i'm 1 degree cap rising sooo this neurosis is something that exists firmly within my personality, for sure. i mean, if u cant tell, I Be Doing Things lol. And i get very competitive with myself. the dark side of me is that i want to be the best at everything. A big part of my adult life has been learning how to relax. learning how to have fun, learning how to be a little pointless. Without the meds this is a struggle for me so with the meds it was genuinely impossible not to be completely controlled by the rabid impulse to work.

So getting off the meds was a big exercise in confronting my fear of Not being the best. my fear of chilling, my fear of being still & unoccupied. But i did it! And i feel so much better. Like holy shit, i feel SO much better.

By the mid-May i was picking up steam in just being able to live again. a lot of the brainfog & physical heaviness lifted. I was still not very productive at art or music, but i was getting really good at not letting that bug me. spending a lot of time working in the garden, got back into yoga, reading, just doing leisurely stuff that felt expansive to my inner world rather than trying to externalize anything. psychic experiences continued to amplify. became interested in tarot again as i no longer felt i was living in fear of my higher self.

after getting off the pills i began feeling really fixated on the notion of quitting weed. Previously this had been genuinely unthinkable to me. Like, me and weed, we were One, every person i'd ever been as an adult had smoked weed, it was weirdly part of my identity, for 15 years i genuinely believed i could not exist without weed, like i would just lose my fucking mind if i stopped. i did not believe in myself.

But as the psychic experiences progressed i felt strongly that i want to go deeper. Previously i had been afraid to go deeper. In that regard i think i was truly afraid of my own potential. I wasn't ready for it, and that's actually fine. A lot of people aren't.. But as May was coming to a close i knew that i was ready, and actually, it was crucial of me to put an end to this. I was enjoying finally having some sense of peace & joy after how crummy it felt quitting the pills , i didn't really want to disturb that state of being, but i also was having that feeling again that i just need to "get it over with".

So when it struck June 1st i was like yeah fuck it. Let this mark a new beginning. as soon as i realize something is no longer in my best interest its almost impossible for me to keep going with it! like i can't live with myself. I guess that's where my fixation on being "the best" can serve me sometimes. if that makes sense.. Like i willllll always end up putting my foot down and saying NO :T

So yeah. it's recent enough that i don't really feel the need to detail how the first 2 weeks of june were sooooo sucky and emotional and generally dysfunctional. couldn't even read or draw or do any minor tasks i was sooo out of my mind. Not much needs to be said about it. i just had to simply allow time to pass. a lot of days spent in bed crying & dissolving.

right around the 2 week mark we went to missouri & this is when i started noticing myself feeling way way better. the whole time i didn;t even think about weed or my symptoms at all. i was so present in each moment and it was so easy to just feel....alive. also had some intense psychic experiences, one of which i haven;t even talked about on here, and i probably wont because its too sacred. The overarching theme between all the experiences i've been having since late march is that they feel too sacred to tell anyone. The high priestess emphasizes secrecy in some matters..

Which brings us to now, june 21, 21 days w/o weed, 3 weeks. I know that sounds like nothing but this has been 15 YEARS coming. that's half my lifespan so far. and now i just feel fine. i got thru the blues of quitting, all the repressed emotions, im sure they'll still pop up from time to time too. but ultimately i am just so fucking relieved to be free of that shit and like, functioning, able to sleep, not riddled with anxiety and self hatred like i was when i started as a grieving baby teenager.

i guess i wanted to write this to remind myself what a monumental shift i have made in my life in the first half of 2024, and how insanely far i've come in the grand scheme of my life, in a relatively short timespan. because i keep getting this feeling of self doubt where i'm like wait... it's almost july and i've barely completed any tasks, i still havent finished my music, wtf am i doing :( But i dont think i was supposed to finish it until i shed all these habits that were causing major roadblocks in my path!

shed my ex, shed pills, shed weed. shed grief! shed self doubt. emptied my vessel & it has allowed room for so much new life to come through. new forces being channeled. my mediumship abilities now are in focus and taking off at an accelerated rate. for the first time in my life i'm not in survival mode. i feel this is my reward for living through it all when i wanted nothing more than to give up for so many years. i prayed for death, every day, i really did. now i am dead! the old me died. and i carry her memory with honor, i carry on the parts of her that wished to remain and be loved, but she is effectively dead.

for the first time in my life i am really proud of myself. i don't feel so competitive with myself anymore. i don't need to prove myself externally. i do not require any validation of my existence. i can sit with myself without feeling extreme self induced dread & despair. i feel worthy even though i am still (from the outside looking in) at the exact same place i was at 6 months ago.

i'm finally feeling ready to work a little harder again, but not because i'm desperate to gain anything from it. just because it's fun, and fundamentally, as stated above, that drive is a part of my personality, a part of me that i love & cherish. number 1 is the magician. the mage patchouli ~~~ the alchemist. create for the sake of creating.

if anyone read this far, thats wild xD but thats dope too.. I guess one thing i'd like for the future is just to inspire people that you can alchemize the tragedies of your life and all the suffering into something much greater than yourself. You can get through it and be happy with your meager little life one day, even if it takes 30 or 40 years, it's worth it to try & worth it to get here. You do not have to wallow in sadness and self doubt forever, even if u see no way out rn.

i'm happy just being me ^_^ i have so much fun when i'm in my mind. bladee voice ~~be in your mind, be in your mind, be in your mind~~. i love how simple everything feels right now. i love how people & entities can come to me because they trust me to receive their messages & understand them. My own projections do not get in the way anymore. I shed so much. I am free. Happy Strawberry Moon everyone.

SIncerely, PMD9

[gibblegabber]

i wrote most of this a month ago but might as well spill my personal nonsense regarding kick on his 14TH ANNIVERSARY WHHHHHHHH

nothing interesting it’s truly like a diary entry

i’ve been keeping to myself while i wind down from another hyperfixation with KB:SD, because it has to come to an end, because there’s very few people left in my life who were there in the fandom while it aired, because i get so fucking depressed when i think about it.

how do i describe this. Kick reminds me that i’m alive. he ALSO reminds me that i’m a failure. he’s the reason i finished art school and also (part of) the reason i stopped pursuing art as a career. the show’s run was the best time of my life and at the same time i was dealing with an overwhelming amount of trauma.

and i packed ALL of that into this silly 6.5/10 rated cartoon. why??? because it just happened to be THERE when I was going thru some shit?? sometimes i think “this could have been any cartoon, the timing is what mattered” and other times i’m like no…the adventures we had in mellowbrook were genuinely incredible and if it were any other fandom, i wouldn’t have met the same amazing people!!! do you know how thankful i am to have Kachiimi and Misha in my life still??? REALLY FUCKING THANKFUL. i don’t deserve them in the least!! they’ve known me at my worst and happened to also SEE me at my worst in person and they’re still my friends and i love them very much, i hope they know that.

and if anyone’s still following me that knew me during the KB years, or was friends with me during that time… 1.) i’m sorry. i was crazy LMAO and 2.) just know you made the whole experience so so awesome :) i appreciated so much that the fandom was a tight knit group of people, no drama, just a great place to be when my life was falling apart around me.

yea if i psychoanalyzed this whole thing i wouldn’t like the answer. but. it doesn’t change how much Kick means to me, and how much he’ll always mean to me!!

it had always been a bucket list thing of mine to be the number 1 fan of something at some point. ever since i was like nine years old i was like “man that’d be cool if it happened”. never in a million years would i have guessed that it would be this. but in a weird way Kick was exactly who i needed at that time. someone whose failures were just his fuel for success. someone who didn’t let his shortcomings stop him from achieving his goals. someone who kept going even if the world was against him. looking back it’s really no surprise that i got so attached.

obviously i’m far from the number 1 fan position now. who knows if i ever really was; i only knew a fraction of the fandom that called me the “queen of the KB fandom”, and Sandro had called me the number 1 fan at one point so i just took it all to heart. i would argue that Aisha took that position when school and jobs and life started consuming my life more than fandom did. or well, all of this is a moot point when you consider Jackie who is definitely 100% his number 1 fan LOL. but wow, what a time. we were so lucky to interact with the crew as much as we did.

it doesn’t seem like much but it really made me feel like i could do anything. if Kick had gotten a third season you KNOW i would’ve stopped at NOTHING to be on the team in some way shape or form. i would’ve flown out to LA in an instant and not looked back. despite everything. i would’ve done it.

kinda sucks considering uhhhh THINGS that got revealed about the director years later, so in the same vein i’m very happy that Kick did not get a season 3. but when the show ended something in me died, or i came to terms with something, idk what it was. something like: i knew i’d never feel the same way about a cartoon again so i didn’t bother trying. i stopped drawing almost entirely for 10 years.

aaaand it’s true. over a decade and i never came close to the level of obsession i had with Kick, and never really wanted to either. THEN i got slapped in the face with IZ and well…let that be a long and cheesy post for march 30th or something. :P and as much fun as it’s been and continues to be, it’s a DIFFERENT sort of experience from KB. it can’t compare. maybe in 10 years i’ll look back on IZ friends and fandom times and reminisce fondly on them too.

KB:SD is stuck where it was. if that makes any sense. there’s a lot in the show that i don’t think modern day fandom would take kindly to. there’s a lot of crack shipping and shenanigans we got up to back then that isn’t okay now. (god… okay i don’t miss that part LOL. i cringe painfully at a lot of it, but i DO miss when people understood the fucking difference between fiction and reality. it was a different time for sure.) it just is what it is.

and that’s okay. i’m gonna let it go, again, and i’ll be back on and off. it hurts. it hurts every time this happens but that’s okay because Kick taught us to live till it hurts. :) 🤘🏼✨

[eddiemunsonswhxre]

where have i been?

an update for those curious.

hey there my loves, long time no see.

i’m not sure how many of you will actually read this or care to see why i haven’t written in over a year now but typing this stuff out helps me process and get back into my groove.

well, today is january 16, 2024. the last thing i posted that was an actual one shot was posted on january 3, 2023. i haven’t written since. 2023 was my worst year yet and caused me to learn a lot about people and myself.

things were going alright in the beginning, i was in my second semester of college and my biggest problem was 2 of my 3 roommates (lived in a quad) hated each other so me and my bestie/3rd roommate had to play mediator and it was exhausting. i started liking a guy and got my hopes up. and i started to get more and more annoyed with school and my living situation every day. i was ecstatic to move out of that room despite hating my hometown. the day of move out, one of my roommates who i thought was someone very close to me blocked me and all of our friends on everything with no explanation but we knew she wasn’t coming back for 23-24.

i like where i grew up for a maximum of a week at a time, after that my depression just kicks my ass and im not having a great time. my plan for the summer was to work my ass off so much so that i wouldn’t have time to think of anything else. that backfired, because a few days after i came home one of my two jobs fell through unexpectedly and my other job was giving me less than half the hours they promised me. i was broke. everyone says it’s so easy to get a job these days because everyone is hiring but i applied to over ten places within a reasonable distance from me and didn’t get a single one. so i spent too much time with myself and that’s not normally a good thing.

to make matters even worse, in june my mom was sentenced to three years in prison for a crime she committed back in 2020. i don’t want to get into too many specifics, but my mom would never harm anyone she just has struggled with addiction. my mom was my constant emotional support, and knowing she was no longer going to be around ripped me to shreds. not even a month later after my mom was shipped off to prison, my dog died. and i know you might think “dogs die all the time it’s a pet.” but my dog was much more than that. she wasn’t even three years old and was a beautiful great pyrenees german shepard mix and she was the sweetest girl ever. i don’t care how ridiculous it sounds, because i know my soul and hers were meant to be together. i was even in the process of registering her as an emotional support animal so i could take her to college with me because she was finally old enough and for the most part out of the puppy phase. but one night out of nowhere she got really sick and within an hour of her showing signs something was wrong she died while i was holding her. not the greatest thing for a 19 year old who’s already struggling to experience. it took my over a month to stop seeing her like that every time i closed my eyes. call me dramatic, but that dog really was a child to me.

after that, i went to stay with my cousin for a few weeks and that was nice but i still knew i wasn’t feeling right. i moved back to school in august and had way too high of hopes that everything would fix itself. surprise, it didn’t. in fact, i just got worse. i reached lows i haven’t hit in over two years. i was having roommate problems, i was trying to do way too much at once, and i was neglecting my health. i had a breakdown.

the highlight of my semester was taking a week off to visit my best friend since age 2 for her birthday (she lives roughly a 2 hour plane ride away from me now) with our other two best friends. then i came back and immediately totaled my car. my car was a piece of shit yes, but it got me places. not having a car when you’re a person who drives around to destress is not fun. i was even worse mentally at this point and i was trying so so hard to get into my overbooked doctor to get my medications raised. the only constant i had were my three friends at school and my studies. so i threw myself into them. i was never alone and if i was i was nose deep in a text book. i was just avoiding the rest of my existence. i was able to get my meds upped and decided i was done wallowing. i started a diet that is actually manageable and enjoyable and discovered for the first time workouts that i actually liked doing. it was something small, but i knew i was turning myself around.

i went home for winter break knowing it was going to be tough. i also had to spend this time looking for a new car. it was an extremely stressful process to say the least. but i focused on myself, taking all the time for myself that i needed and processing everything that had made me get to such a bad place. i’ve always been very spiritual, so i dove more into that as well as trusting the universe.

i’ve decided that 2024 will be my best year yet. i got a new car, im getting a new job, im doing great in school, my mom is getting released from prison literally six hours after i post this, and im taking care of myself in more ways than one. while doing a lot of that reflecting, i remembered how much i used to love to write and how that passion just died after loving it since i was ten. i started small, doing short story exercises and getting into reading again. i finally, after an entire year, have my passion for writing back.

i can’t promise i’ll be consistent with uploads because i’ve decided that my goal for the year is to write a novel. so that project is going to be my main focus and it isn’t anything fanfic related, it’s actually a psychological thriller. more than likely i will be asking for opinions on here throughout the year as well.

with that said, my plans this year for this blog are to keep posting. eddie munson is mainly who i write for, but i want to expand my horizons. i want to challenge myself with genres and types of characters. i will greatly appreciate any requests you can give and i promise i will read through them. if i don’t post them right away, just know it may come out three months later. sometimes inspiration sparks at weird times.

if you’ve read this far, thank you. i hope this can inspire you to see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes you’ve gotta dig the extra dirt to it yourself. beyond thankful to anyone who was here a year ago and has come back to read my new stuff- you made an aspiring writer really proud of herself.

much much love

-eddiemunsonswhxre 🤍

[gayweedanimal]

Since I gotta be up for work in like 3 hours and can't sleep I might as well talk new years resolutions. Here's mine:

Long ass post so I'm readmore

Read every day: I've been collecting books for a while now and have a huge backlog of super interesting stuff to read. The only thing holding me back is making time to do it.

Write every day: Similarly, I have too many half baked projects/ideas that I need to actually finish. The perfectionist in me has been keeping me from finishing things for years, and for what? Fear of putting out something bad? Some of my favorite things in the world are bad. I already put out bad art all the time, and I love it. I've been struggling with this part of myself for far too long and it's time for it to die.

Organize my information better: I'm a notorious note-taker, but they're always very disjointed and arcane. So I guess that means I'm a bad note-taker. I've been using Obsidian more and more over the last few months and been building better information collection habits to use it to its full potential. Sometimes the first step is just to accept that your memory is shitty and learn to efficiently externalize things. Building off of that...

Manage my time better: I have so much shit going on at any one time it's often overwhelming. ADHD and my various neuroses certainly don't help. I've been doing various things to work on this but I need to stick to them better.

Finish Somnium: I put out a whole one (1) episode last year because I dreamt too big with my episode plans and didn't have the tools to bring them to fruition the way I wanted to - I need to push myself to actually finish more. This year's goal is manageable - 4 episodes.

Learn Japanese: I just think it's a neat language. Maybe one day I'll visit Japan; there's so much I want to see there. I know that seems like a far flung dream right now, but life happens fast.

Work out more: not much to say here, I just need to keep up this habit and push myself harder to build strength.

Get my driver's license: I've almost always lived in areas where I've just never needed to drive, but now that my sister has her's I feel like it's finally time to check this box lol.

Make more money: it's getting harder and harder to keep things afloat (as I'm sure is news to absolutely nobody) even with my pretty decent full time job. I'm assuming I won't get a raise, and also hoping I won't get laid off, but even still I need to get some sort of consistent side hustle doing web design or something similar.

God this really seems like a lot when I write them all down... I'm going to stick to them though. I probably won't kick all of these off at once just to not burn myself out, but I'm gonna do them all.

I really can't live without being able to set goals and make progress on them anymore, even if the progress is slow, even if things slide backwards or I fall off for months or years. I lived with soul crushing suicidal depression for so long and it really made it difficult to believe that my life was worth living or that it was worth investing in my skills or my future. I know a lot of people still think that way and I'm not the best at helping them, and that what worked for me doesn't work for everyone. But seasons change, wounds heal, and in the end, it's always worth it to invest your time in bettering yourself and to keep moving ahead.

Man, I don't know where the fuck I was going with all that but I'm leaving it in. Also why the hell am I writing this long ass post... I barely post here anymore. Anyway fuck it I'm gonna try to sleep AGAIN wish me luck at work in... 2 and a half hours. Happy new year ya filthy animals.

[nitr0m-nik]

Ok I'm gonna rant

I love how my government has made it nearly fucking impossible to live as someone who is disabled and unable to work

I want to move out of my mother's apartment. I want to get away from the giant fucking mess that follows her and my sister everywhere we go. I want to get away from their bullshit. The negativity. The fucking screaming and punching holes in walls. The stomping around because they're angry bullshit. The slamming shit down. The snapping every rime you talk to them. The constant criticisms for talking too quietly or too loud, walking to quietly or too loud, for being depressed or anxious. Having to constantly listen to them complain about everything in life and not being allowed to say that it might be their fault, or that they might be in the wrong, because God forbid someone says anything that insults them. Not being able to be in MY bed in MY room because my sister and I share a room, and she and her boyfriend fight constantly, and she can't control her anger. I've been sleeping on my mother's couch for 3-4 years. I haven't had my own space since 2018. I had a job and was working on getting my own place. I was saving up my money. Then the fucking pandemic happened and I got laid off. A couple months go by, and then BAM I now have an autoimmune disease that's eating away at my nerve ending, which eventually fucking paralyzes me. Now I'm fucking permanently disabled worse than I was before I got sick. Now I have to wait on approval for housing, and that'll take a nice couple of years. I've been getting progressively more and more fucking depressed over the past 6 years, and I feel like it's gotten as bad as it can.

I went online to see what I can do do speed up the pieces of shit in the govt to give me the voucher or something, and there's nothing! If you're disabled by something at some point, but you don't have some sort of already established support system, you're basically dead. They want us to fucking die. There's no money in providing for the disabled, so why keep us alive?

I've talked to 2 different therapists, both of them tried to find ways to get me into my own place for the sake of my mental wellbeing. There's literally nothing they can do. I have a care manager. He can't do anything.

The only advice online for disabled people in need of a place to live is to get some roommates and a job. I can't fucking work. I am not living with anyone after I get away from my family. Why THE FUCK should I have to deal with people IN MY HOME when the reason I want to move out is because there are two fucking slobs that I ALREADY SHARE A HOME WITH??

Mess makes me anxious and depressed. Grime makes me anxious and depressed.

Dirty carpets, smelly ass cat litter boxes, piles of dirty laundry, out in the open, on the floor. Mountains of shit that's being hoarded. Dirty, sticky counter tops, piles of dishes in the sink, on the counters, and on the tables. The holes in the walls from both of them punching and kicking them. The puncture marks from my sister stabbing the wall with scissors. The loose hairs that are everywhere. The piles of my mom's shit on every flat surface that she can find, including the ground.

I've wanted to get away from it for so, so, so fucking long, but now I probably won't be able to. I wanted to be able to live my 20s out happily since I had such a shit childhood, but nope. I feel still feel like I'm 14, trapped with my mother and sister in the same shithole apartment we've lived almost my entire life.

I get told to pray, like I haven't been praying for the same thing since I was a child. Nothing happens. Nothing ever helps. God doesn't listen to me. It doesn't feel like he listens to anyone who actually needs the help. The only people to live happy, fulfilling lives were born into well-off families in wealthy countries. There are people in multiple different countries who are undergoing a genocide. There are millions of homeless people, and those who aren't homeless are on the verge of being homeless. There is a not insignificant amount of people starving to death all around the globe. Multiple countries tipping towards being fascist.

Whatever man I'm so fucking done

[never-not-ever]

I wrote this up over a week ago but put it in my drafts… today marks 6 weeks in the hospital.

This hospital stay is so different than all the times before. For one I’m not on here documenting every day, which there’s nothing wrong with that but it’s just strange looking back at the past 4, almost 5 weeks and thinking of how I didn’t post a single thing. In the past I’d be documenting my downward spiral before the hospital and then while at the hospital.

Two, I’ve gotten used to it now (sort of) but going from staff to patient was such a mindfuck and at times it still is.

The last few times I’ve been inpatient my self harm was never as bad as it is this time around. It’s crazy to think how I was 2 years clean, wearing tank tops, my scars barely visible and now my right arm looks like shit again.

In the beginning there was so much anxiety, guilt and shame about what happened. Now it’s just more depression and hopelessness. I lost my job which meant the world to me. That loss has lessened and I’ve accepted it more. Now as we’re nearing the holiday season it’s hitting me that I’ve lost her family. I haven’t spent a holiday single since 2016 which is crazy.

My doctor today made a good point. That I’m going through a “major reset” right now. When I first came here I was so worried that my doctor and social worker didn’t like me and I know it’s the opposite now. And I love them, I really lucked out. At one point we were looking at intensive DBT residentials out of state but then I advocated for myself that I wanted to stay close to home even though I feel like I have no one here. So now I’m looking at doing an intensive DBT outpatient program that’s at least a 6 month commitment. I think it’ll be a good support system while I get back on my feet.

But I don’t have any discharge date yet. I’m waiting to start TMS and probably going to finish it outpatient. My social worker keeps saying that no one’s kicking me out which is a relief to hear because I know in the past I always feared that.

[sarcasticallyinclined]

it is always funny when my dad is like "you always have a place with me and im sure your mom would say the same" and it's like...

1. thanks but i will not be living with you again if i can help it because you cannot keep your goddamn mouth shut about what i eat even when i don't live with you and

2. said mom literally went ok so i know you're deeply depressed with a useless degree and no transportation and we're a few months into a global pandemic and nowhere is safe and everything is uncertain BUT if you don't magically get a job in a month you are not allowed to live here anymore because i just don't think you're really making an effort to take advantage of the non-existent job market and I do not give one shit if you have multiple disorders working against you and I will NOT make any effort to understand

and then kicked me out at the end of the month with zero remorse to go live with my dad as a punishment (which would have genuinely been fine if it weren't explicitly "you are a failure and i don't want you in my house anymore")

and then in the face of my dad (supposedly) imminently moving hundreds of miles away, when I worked with my therapist and spent hours writing a letter asking to move back in and suggesting how we could maybe try to fix our fucked up broken relationship and how I was doing better with medication changes and I even had a remote part time job but it made nowhere enough to live on,

she ignored the entire part about "I am emailing this to you because our in person conversations have been stressful and unproductive and i can't get to everything i want to say because i start crying so can you email me back" and said no let's discuss this in person

and then once we had a stressful unproductive conversation yet again she handed me a letter she had for some reason typed up and printed out

about how no i was not allowed to move back in even if i at the time had no other options lined up and not enough money for anything because she said when I lived there my vibes were too bad from me being idk suicidally depressed and unable to envision a future for myself while millions of people were dying from something with no cure and that was bumming her out to be around

and quoted some shit that was clearly lifted from shitty facebook articles about cutting out toxic friends in your life which were certainly not meant for parents to apply to their own fucking children

and I could fucking frame that letter as the Worst Shit She Has Ever Fucking Said To Me

so no dad, i actually don't think my mom would or will ever say i always have a place with her again

but it sure is convenient how you both like to forget this ever happened and we're all a happy loving supportive family and nothing bad has ever happened

i sure am glad my mom is now the only family member within hundreds of miles and the only adult I have to rely on so that we can pretend every two weeks that we're a happy mother daughter duo and there isn't minimum thirteen years of bullshit she's happy to leave buried and never ever address

and i just have to personally live with all this shit and know that she will die before i ever get closure because any conversation about it would be exactly as unproductive as when the shit originally happened

because it's not like her feelings on anything have CHANGED, she just thinks im magically not depressed anymore and never will be again and it's not a chronic thing that i just know better than to ever ever mention or show because she's so fucking annoying about it and i don't trust her at all

life is great i love life and every adult who ever existed in my life during formative years definitely did not fail me

[sepyana]

JJBA Stardust Crusaders Ep. 25-29 Thoughts

Aka I ramble on about the N'Doul episodes and some manga differences.

Ep 25 is the start of the second half of SDC. I have been a bit slow so far so I've decided to pick up speed. It's gonna take me 2 months to finish the anime otherwise. I've watched episodes 25 to 33 but I have some extra things to say today, I'm gonna split the post in two.

First of all, the opening. It starts off all mysteries but then the rest of the song is like the first one. It even has Star Platinum's ORA ORA's in it. My favourite part is the start and the sequence with the white lines in it.

Ep. 25-26 (N'Doul)

There is a dog. The dog has a stand, The Fool. To be fair, he is a really anthropomorphized dog, way smarter than the actual thing. They kind of have to do this if he is gonna be part of the team with a stand and all. (Jotaro smiling while Iggy is biting Polnareff's face off was pretty funny. Mr. Emotionless over here thinks this is hilarious.)

It's honestly a crime that N'doul shows up for only two episodes. His design, abilities and personality is sick as hell to me. My fave DIO goon, maybe? Most of the time stands are way more interesting then the goon using 'em. Basic bitch pick, I know. Sometimes things are popular for a reason.

^ Kakyoin being a piece of shit here was pretty funny. They were arguing so much that N'Doul could sense them. Good work guys.

Episode goes from 1 to 11 real quick when N'Doul slashes Kakyoin's eyes. And he passes out from the shock. Kakyoin getting hurt to show how dangerous the new threat happens a lot, but it seems actually serious this time. I don't think Araki is bold enough to make him lose his eyes for real, but It'd be really interesting development if he did. I'm just saying.

Advol says "No, that's wrong" He says the thing! Guys!!! He also gets his neck cut too ig lol. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Jotaro uses the secret Joestar technique of running the fuck away (to divert attention away from the people he cares about). Classic. He makes sure to grab Iggy on the way.

^ Jokes aside, I thought Jotaro throwing Iggy to not get hit by Geb was really smart. It makes so much sense but I couldn't think of it at all.

I know Iggy is just a dog, he didn't ask for this yada yada I don't care, if the bastard didn't wanna get thrown at 20 mph he shouldn't look so goddamn puntable. Every time I look at him I am filled with rage. I want to kick him like football.

Okay but for real, Iggy is gonna be a hard sell for me. I don't like small dogs but I dislike fart jokes even more, which he unfortunately delivers in spades. I know part 3 has a lot of piss shit and fart jokes in it but Iggy isn't helping!!

Okay the stand-off between Jotaro and N'Doul was excellent. The animation, the soundtrack and the sound design worked really well. And then Star Platinum going HUUUUAAAHHHH

If you didn't think Dio wasn't building a cult before, you'll surely do now. Even Jotaro comments on it. Cults give people a purpose and answers, so...

I do feel a lil bit bad for him. Dio finds the most isolated and depressed people to use them, letting them depend on him. As much as I've been trying to avoid them I get recommended jojos when I search for clips. N'Doul's line "I do not fear death. Just as long as [Dio] doesn't abandon and murder me himself." in one of the games puts it plainly.

It's hard to wrap your head around Dio being charismatic but when you hear his interactions with them it becomes obvious. He acts like he cares for them, whether that's genuine or on is up in the air. Considering everything in Phantom Blood, how much it took for Dio to finally respect Jonathan, I'm inclined to say no? He was definitely meant to be a pure evil Disney villain type of character there. SDC might shake things up, who knows.

Overall, these episodes are great. They have a lil bit of everything I like. Part 1 doesn't feel boring compared to part 2, unlike some other two parters. Not to mention the music picks.

-

Now, onto something I wanna talk about. I was sort of going thru the manga pages for the last few episodes and,

This line of Jotaro is given to Advol in the anime. And he is less stressed about it. (I know characters get major injuries only to be fine the next episode but like, Kakyoin losing his eyes is a big development. He doesn't show for the next 13 episodes after this.)

^ Too tired to change the lines.

Also, in the anime, It is Advol who holds Kakyoin. (Polnareff holding Joseph isn't in either.) Instead, Jotaro hangs with one hand while the other is casually in his pocket. Which is absolutely hilarious. And shows how anime and manga to treats his character.

I know people arguing over manga and anime Jotaro is -a whole thing- I would hear stuff about it while Stone Ocean anime was still releasing. I will think about this a lot more if I actually read the whole thing. Just talking about these two episodes here.

In the anime, Jotaro needs to look cool all the time always. I assume what they were going for was to make him more stoic so that when his cool guy persona (and it is a persona) starts slipping it has more impact. But the changes made seem kind of random. They changed some stuff in this episode but they have kept the Anubis one largely the same. He is not as agitated there but he is still on the back foot.

He is losing control in this episode. The only reason they made it out alive was because The Fool just happened to be able to fly, he was basically fucked before then. Him looking panicked at Kakyoin losing his eyes also makes sense. He can't do anything about the situation, so naturally, his stoic demeanor starts to dissipate for a while. Kakyoin and Advol has put him on a timer.

I don't think the difference between manga and anime Jotaro is that big but it is notable. I dunno. I would prefer Jotaro breaking the cool mask too much rather than basically never.

Another tidbit is, Star Platinum smiles in the manga way more. And I'm gonna be honest I prefer the anime in this. It goes back to the "Having it less makes the times where it does show up more impactful." thing. So, it can definitely be done in a good way.

Ep. 27 (Oingo Boingo Brothers)

One thing I found strange is how the English dub and sub treats the brothers' names. They normally call themselves.Oingo Boingo Brothers. The English sub calls them Zenyatta Monetta Brothers. The dub straight up doesn't mention their name at all.

Weirdly enough, the the other subs do call them Oingo Boingo Brothers. Is it a cultural thing, or a copyright one? I don't know.

I don't have much to say about this episode. So I'm gonna take the opportunity to talk about Kakyoin instead :D

^ This is from the next episode but there isn't much I can use.

I mentioned before how I thought it would be interesting to blind him. You never see legally blind characters in action stuff, unless they have an ability that let's them sense the environment. Like Toph or N'Doul himself. It's a pain to fight blind, it turns out.

Kakyoin should have a way to see, through the humanoid stand Green Heirophant (unless him being blinded makes Heirophant blind also). Like, It would have been really draining. Summoning the stand is a lot but also the chronic pain from his injury, but he could do it. He could use the eyes for battle situations, or Joseph could have SPW bring him technology that could help him in some way. I'm not gonna call this a missed opportunity, I can see why didn't go with that.

I'm guessing Araki wanted to shrink the cast for a while, like with Advol's "death". 5 man band casts are nice but it can be hard to work with 5 people all the time. Cast is divided again with Polnareff-Jotaro and Advol-Joseph. I went in to check when Kakyoin shows up again (grazing thru the manga) and he is not in the show for 13 episodes, excluding 2 scenes. That's more than quarter of the whole runtime. Advol was away for 9 episodes, and he was suppose to be dead.

I'm a bit conflicted on this, shrinking the cast builds relationships between the characters more in depth and it allows for new and interesting storylines. But at the same time, that's a lot of episodes. I just really like both Advol and Kakyoin, man.

Ep. 28-29 (Anubis)

FINALLY Some swordfighting scenes.

Polnareff goes off on his own, again. He comes across a stand user and gets almost killed, again. Yet he keeps going off on his own anyway. Never change king.

Anubis' shtick is that it's a stand with no user, that gets more powerful the more you fight it. It's like Nasus but way cooler. Not that that's a high bar to pass, anything is cooler than farming stacks for 20 minutes. I don't know where Anubis getting stronger with time comes from, since Nasus also has this It's probably part of the mythology. I know absolutely nothing about that though.

Anubis themselves is also a fun villain. Funny man with funny voice. Their design is the opposite of unique but it works for me. I like that him possessing the kid gives him lipstick.

Going back to Polnareff, I think people forget how powerful he is sometimes. When it comes to power and speed, only one stronger than Chariot in the group is Star Platinum. And Star Platinum is op as hell.

Jotaro vs Anubis drives that point even further, Jotaro is not even sure he can win against Polnareff with Anubis' speed added to the equation. The whole fight is just Jotaro sweating bullets thinking "Shit shit shit shit sh

When he does finally win, he says "What were you saying? You were gonna tear me into shreds?" while Star Platinum puts his hand like this. Just. I love it.

^ Compilation of Jotaro faces for this episode.

Overall, Anubis episodes were pretty nice. I think the Alessi epsiodes do a better job building Jotaro and Polnareff's dynamic though.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

HI STEPH! How has your December been?

Hey Lovely *HUGS*

LOL do you want the "Tumblr happy place" version or the "might be a bit depressing" version??

Tumblr-mask version: It's been alright. We've got some snow now, and it feels a bit more Christmassy. Glad I'm on holidays and just enjoying the time off :)

Real life version: We've got some snow now, and I hate snow. And life's been a bit of a gong show for the past month or so. (cw below cut, medical, retail frustration, and depression mentions)

TL;DR: It's December. Hopefully the new year looks a bit more promising <3

As you all know, this kind of all started back when my job was very uncertain. I had a bit of a brief break when I got my raise and talked with the chief of staff. Few weeks, maybe, then just the desire to have a holiday started to kick in because I realized how EXHAUSTED I was.

I recently went though a pain in the ass experience with my car's manufacturer regarding a small repair on my car that was only supposed to be a one day thing and turned into nearly 3 weeks of me not having a car and them refusing to give me a rental because I don't have an "extended warranty" even though I'm still covered under a warranty. Because of the kind of person I am, this spiralled me into a nightmare scenario of me stressing about not having a car three weeks before Christmas, fighting with the dealership to give me SOME sort of compensation (and failing) and them not being able to tell me when I get my car back – I wanted it back before my Christmas break this week because I prefer to go out during the work week when it's less busy. Anyway, coincidence or not, the missing part MYSTERIOUSLY arrived two days after I escalated my situation with the head office telling them their customer service was shit (in a nicer way, of course, LOL), so I at least have it back now. But not an experience I would wish on my worst enemy, it was THAT stressful.

Leading up to Christmas, work was insane. We're short-staffed and just... no one was "feeling it" this year. We're all tired and we all just want holidays. I took off three extra days since I still had time to book off, so my holidays started sooner than everyone else, and I am so glad I did it. I'm not looking at anything work-related for the next two weeks, thanks.

I don't like winter at all where I live (it's always gloomy and wet; rarely any sun at all), and it feels like my brain is rotting from all the Christmas shit being shoved down my throat. There, I said it. I don't like Christmas, haven't since my dad passed away 2 weeks after Christmas over a dozen years ago. I like the aesthetics of it – the lights, the decorations, the hot cocoa and fancy drinks – but it's TOO MUCH for TOO LONG, and by the time Christmas is here I am DONE. I'm TIRED of people being SHOCKED that I don't like Christmas... ugh. PLUS my seasonal depression spikes badly at Christmas because all people seem to do is like to remind me how alone I am. Like thanks, appreciate it. UGH. The only thing I like about Christmas is that my work gives us 2 weeks every year between Christmas and New Year, and I spend most of that alone watching movies, drinking cocoa or playing video games. It's wonderful. I hear about everyone in my extended family having to visit all these people on Christmas day and I'm like LOL I'm in my jammies watching the Avengers, thanks, you keep that stress.

Christmas is EXTRA kinda poopy this year because one of my closest extended family members found out they have throat cancer at the beginning of November. They're in chemo right now and in good spirits, so I'm trying to stay positive about it, but it's hard to not think about, you know?

Discovering a lot about myself in therapy, and it's mentally draining. That's all I'm comfortable sharing right now.

I'm just all around TIRED and LONELY and feel like no one cares about me, y'know? I feel like I'm never going to be anyone who accomplished something worthwhile (and before y'all say it, my BRAIN LOGICALLY KNOWS THIS IS ALL FALSE, but my wires get crossed and the depression sinks in instead with the intrusive thoughts – My therapist finds it fascinating that I have this kind of awareness and she's trying to find a way to work around it). Some days are worse than others, especially in the winter in this city going on month 2 of no sunshine, UGGGHHH. Having moods that change with the weather REALLY fucking sucks.

AND I've been looking again at getting a cat, but I think I might have to once again put it on the back-burner, because my phone is finally crapping out (it's an iPhone 6S Plus, so it's OOOOOOOLLDD by today's standards) with the camera jittering and the battery barely lasting 4 hours in standby mode, so I might have to get a new one sooner than later. AND I also want to re-look at getting a mortgage again so I'm ready when the housing market inevitably crashes and I can get a condo cheaper than 500K :/ My rent is still cheaper right now because I'm so grandfathered in that I'm paying under 1000$ right now for rent, so staying where I am is the SMART thing, but I'm miserable because the space is too small now. ANYWAY, money. Can't get a cat right now AGAIN because of money. Ugh. I'm not broke by any means, I just.......... am so annoyed my single-person groceries have gone from 50$ a week to 150$ a week, and I HATE HATE HATE it. It's ridiculous. Finally get a raise but I can never catch a break, it seems :/ It's not Avacado Toast, Karen, it's the whole damned economy.

So yeah, that's basically it. I don't talk about myself that much here because I am a fairly private person. I don't like bothering people with my problems because I always feel like a burden. Sometimes, though, I just wish I had a human person I could visit regularly to chat with (that I don't have to pay for, LOL), is all. AND my blog is my happy place, so I try to keep it positive where I can.

Hope you're having a good month, and I hope the holidays treat you well <3

[thegenvyisreal]

Good Omens Season 2 Episode 2 Thoughts

"it's technically my bookshop, but we both get plenty of use out of it don't we? *raises eyebrows*" EXCUSE ME AZIRAPHALE WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!

I kinda love Jim??? I don't want to but I kinda do???

Okay listen. LISTEN. That miracle had the power of an archangel. I'm just! Lemme just! I'm sorry! Maybe I'm shifting into clown mode but I THINK this may mean that Crowley is more powerful than he lets on, that MAYBE he was an archangel before everything. (okay maybe I'm a Raphael truther let me live)

The whole Job plot was *chefs kiss*. I wasn't expecting Five to be there lol that was fun. And Ty!!! Gayest teen I've ever SEEN. I LOVE Zira going apeshit over the food.

And the two of them in that whole sequence! All the Job parts. Zira thinking he's fallen, Crowley wanting to save all life ever. I just!! Crowley is the GOODEST!!

Poor Nina and her (abusive?) partner. I hope she kicks her to the curb and stands up for herself.

Jim revealing that one phrase from Job's experience when Crowley EMPHATICALLY demands it. How come it worked for Crowley but not Zira? (I'M SORRY I'M BEING A CLOWN FOR RAPHAEL!CROWLEY)

Jim being "my head isn't big enough for all that anymore"??? Is he human now??? What made him this way??? Did God do it for trying to murder another angel???

Ooh! Theory of what was in the box! Gabriel's memories! And when Zira opened the box they all flew out! Idk!!

Still can't figure out why that one jukebox is converting those songs the way the Bentley converts everything to queen. And why Jim is singing it.

I liked the good omens book cameo! And ofc there was Terry's hat last episode!

THERE'S TOO MUCH IN MY BRAIN RN MUCH LIKE JIM

EDIT!:

I had a thought about EVERY (the leak). Do not scroll further if you don't wanna be spoiled about that rn.

SO. My roommate watched it and was catatonic and gave me some vague info about the end and I'm like OH. SHIT. So here's my depressing prediction. I love angst so this would feed me for months.

It's a cliffhanger. Heaven and/or hell find out that our duo has been hiding Gabriel. ONE of them is going to be erased from all existence. (maybe both idk) Crowley, realizing this is the last chance he'll ever get, grabs Aziraphale and kisses him, and there's a big confession scene and it's SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL THIS IS WHY NEIL WANTS US TO REACT TO THE VERY LAST 15 MINUTES. And then one of them is erased, and the other forgets about them completely, and is now back working for their original side, and it's SO FUCKING SAD. Gdi I need this but also DO NOT GIVE IT TO ME I WILL DIE.

[broodyjoey]

tw // sui ideation

This house just makes me want to fucking end myself, but my therapist said that it was good when I was using my little mantra to divert the sui feelings and urges into tangible sadness instead of letting it pent up inside my mind. She said it was alright to cry but I can't even cry now, I'm constipated emotionally again...All the effort we put into making me much better at handling my emotions and defending against abuse has gone down the damn toilet during these past 2 years I haven't seen her. I feel like I can never get out of this hell hole anymore.

She used to make me feel like I was walking towards a good path, filled with progress but now that the insurance lapsed. Now that I'm no longer in therapy, I'm constantly depressed. I can't seem to get out of the house when it matters the most. Or take care of my daily personal hygiene, or eat properly. I have no appetite on most days and I can't stay afloat of my chores, I feel like I'm constantly drowning...

I need to find the time now, to crawl out of the house on time to the national clinics, with these cursed ass opening hours that nobody can make time for...I don't know how I used to be able to make it there after school, even tho my school is in a whole other district...Plus the waiting times in my town's clinic are abysmal - a whole fucking 3~5 hours mfr

That's fucking crazy, I don't even know what is the lunch hours for these cursed ass national clinics with fuck knows when opening hours...Somehow I always arrive during their break hours or when they're closing. Idk how I keep doing that but I followed the Gmap timings for it...they still kick me out early depending on the busyness of the day. I've had enough of that!! Scam opening hours, fake news...How tf do they expect people to get the necessary national clinic documents if those stupid ass national clinics won't even let me see a doctor... T.T

I need to go to the clinic soon; it'll be a whole 3 months wait for the recommendation letter to go thru and the waiting list for psych is crazy (pun not intended) long. I'm surprised anybody survives this wait. No wonder why my work friend from one of my previous jobs entered the National Mental Institute, and so did my ex, Isaac. (No real names are used online heheh :) ) My ex was having sui ideation but got thrown into the grippy sock land because he called the wrong number (I called the mental health hotline, and he called the ambulance...) Our country has the most terrible ways of handling mental health problems. You have to be raised a certain type of vigilant, to be cautious enough to skip through all these process-traps that will throw you unwillingly into the grippy sock land. I'm both vigilant and paranoid enough from my abusive childhood that I'm good at sussing out what to do to get me on the safest path to my goals. I won't say that every mentally ill person has the exact same balance of cautiousness and being able to mask so well, So well that officials gave me the green light to go for outpatient care.

Somehow I always arrive during their break hours or when they're closing; the doctor that I got was just pure luck tho. That I can't deny, but I am very good at making people think I'm fine enough to function. I don't tell my family anything vulnerable, people like me with this type of upbringing will die if someone gets a hold of my secrets. No matter how benign people with healthy childhoods think it is. I've almost been attacked by my mother for speaking well of a guy classmate and my father has accused me of dating my guy friend who is gay...wtf.

I got ratted out by my distant aunt and had to pull a gaslighting manoeuvre that I learnt from my parents, holy shit I've never hidden my meds in such an awkward position, in such a secluded place that sometimes I forget that it's there. I've also run a burn campaign against my distant aunt, just to cover up that reveal. Sorry not sorry, if you put my wellbeing in danger, you're done. Dead to me. I warned her against informing my parents but she didn't listen. I don't want someone to get away with such actions against me. I don't need such people attacking my well-being in my life, especially not when I'm from an Asian country and will have to live with my parents even when I'm married.

That shit will have me killed, not even my distant aunt, no matter that she's also mentally ill, NOBODY should treat my safety as a damn joke.

[auntpuppy]

Apparently

Apparently the depression hits the hardest around this time in Aug each year. Well been a lot going on. Last Aug I was in an apartment with no friends hating everything. Now I'm in a house I bought still no friends hating everything. So I guess not a whole lot there has changed.

So to recap what's been going on and how I'm feeling, lets start with what's been going on.

Sept still working at the same place doing the same stuff. Luckily our system switch that happened a few months earlier had started to settle and feel routine. We still lived in the apartment and were still not in a good place in out marriage. Although we didn't know the worst was about to come in just a few short months.

Oct started Weight Watchers to start losing weight again, was doing really well and started to lose some weight. Started working out mildly again, still hate it and couldn't really find anything I liked to do that I could stick with but I kept trying. Also Halloween, no one at my work dressed up but me so I looked like a complete loser, so that was great.

Nov started writing a book based on a new character I started with my tabletop group. I really liked her and was so excited to play her. Unfortunately I learned very quickly that my character didn't add anything to the group and she was just as much an useless outcast that only talks to her machines much like I do now. Had some doctors appointments trying to work out this TMJ in my jaw. It's mutated into ear pain which I'm hoping to work out next week with a specialist. My favorite holiday Thanksgiving happened but didn't feel the same because much like the character I created if I wasn't at the event literally no one would notice. Positive thing that happened I was the only one in the group that finished or even cared about writing so I wrote a 50k+ word book. Reading it back I really liked it, ask my husband to read it and make notes this year because I finally feel comfortable enough for him to read it and nothing.

Dec my least favorite month because of the absolute pressure Christmas brings. Again I put a ton of effort into find just the right themed gifts for everyone and I was really truly an after thought. I even suggested matching PJs which for once everyone agreed to but no one was actually excited to wear them. New Years came and same shit different day. I bought a new dress because we were supposed to go out...we didn't so I sat at home watching other people enjoy themselves in various places. Positive note I did get to see Miley Cryus' thing so that was cool.

Jan worst month, we looked at a bunch of houses that were just blah and unappealing couldn't really find anything I liked. Think we looked at another 20 houses. It never really snowed so I didn't even get to enjoy my favorite part of winter.

Feb we looked at more houses, finally found one we really liked. Put in an offer was told the house was pending the day before. So at that moment I said I need a break, we'll wait til April to start looking again I just can't keep being disappointed. The moment I really finally let go of us finding a house they called our relator and said it was back on the market, the other buyers back out after the inspection. We put in the offer and within 48 hours I was looking at paperwork to buy a house. At that moment though I was like shit this is where the worst part happened the last time and it was drawn out for months. But I worked with the bank my sister has and it was great, all in all took about 2 weeks before we closed on the house with a move in date of April 1st. We didn't start making mortgage payments until May but we had to be in our appartment until June. We decided we'd give them notice that we'd be leaving end of May. They said we'd still have to be responsible for June but were like what are they gonna do kick us out?

March we are starting to feel really good and we have our closing date on the house its wonderful. Everything is going great we close on the house we really look like we might be on an upward path then it happens. The single worst day of my life. We get into a fender bender, old lady hits car behind us, he's forced into us. We call the police like were supposed to cops come. I wasnt driving so they didn't care as much about me. So they are talking to everyone involved but it seems to be taking a long time with my husband. Turns out he has a fucking warrant out for his arrest! So he gets taken to the county jail while he waits to be moved to the county where court case happens. I don't know what to do this has never happened to me I have never experienced this. I call my sister and his mom. I can't talk to him, no clue what is happening to him can't see him nothing. So I wake up and go to work. Finally able to figure something out and can talk to him. It's hit or miss on talking to him. I still haven't been told all the details of what happened or anything. I piece it together from documents but i don't want him dicussing it over a recorded line. It's 3 days until he is transferred. This is the friday before Easter. I think there's no way I'm going to get to see him. We get a lawyer, he explains the process and what I am going to do to get him out. Thank the stars his mom could cover it. He finally gets transferred to the right county. I wait almost 18 hours for him to be released. Court officers tells me at 6p that he should be available for me to pick up in a few hours. Midnight comes around and I still haven't heard from him. I go into the court offices to see what's going on. I'm sobbing and they were so nice about it and surprisingly caring. They say the officers are running 10 hours behind and he will call when he is released. He will then have court in the AM to determine if he can stay out on OR (which is what he was provided). 2am after I have driven home and started to fall asleep he calls to say he's out and I can come get him. I tell him it'll be about an hour. I drive and pick him up. Not much is really said I think I'm still in shock and so is he. I started therapy that next week.

Honestly the rest of the months are much of the same. Off and on dealing with his shit and working through issues. We still weren't back on track. We move into the house, our anniversary comes, my birthday and everything just feels empty.

I want to get to the part today where I feel useless. I just realize how much people just don't notice me. I obviously don't want to be the main character any where but I don't think I'm even the main character in my life. I think if I went missing there would be almost 0 response for where I am. I just really feel like I'm invisible or an after thought. This is terrible but I don't get hit on anymore because I"m just not pretty any more, I'm not thin, I can't get thin, I don't know how to really do my hair so it's just blah, I stopped making stuff, I don't go out. Hell I haven't worn my wedding ring in a few years now and no one noticed.

I just really wish I had 1 person I could talk to about stuff. My best friend is gone (i mean she was gone a while ago but besides liking photos or status that's the only way I know she's alive). I literally come across no ones mind unless they can ask for help at work because my boss isn't available. It just really sucks to always be some ones no name side kick in a story. I just for once want to be important or noticed at all.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / s.i. / sh mention / long post / extremely negative dont read

I rly wanna fucking stop existing man life is too fucking hard I cant do this shit

My grandpa basically blamed me for the house's electricity usage when i literally only used my computer for one week last month and like 2 days this month. Anything else this month has just been phone charging or running my 2 small aquariums. Idk why i have to take the blame for that just because im a young person when my grandpa literally has been using large machinery in the garage and we rent out our guest house which has an a/c unit running ALL the time (our house does not have a/c or any internal system. Utilities are included in the guest house we rent so we pay for that person to stay cool while we sweat over here lmao.)

Ive been suffering for weeks in the 90-100 degree weather with no fan because my bathroom flooded due to grandpa installing the wrong fixture in my toilet (i literally only needed to replace the flap which required no disconnections! But he insisted, and now my only clean fan has been stuck in my bathroom with the window open letting in all the heat). Like. I enjoy the heat. Im fine with no ac. I tolerate it fine. But i need an occasional few minutes of being in the fan if the windows have been letting in all the heat. Normally id keep my blinds closed and the shower curtain closed so the heat doesnt get extreme but because i need to air out the bathroom i cant do that ((Literally when i lived in nyc w no ac, i would just go out to the living room and turn a/c on for like 1 minute while i stand in front of it, and then off again and i was fine for the rest of the night, i cant sleep with ac or a fan on or else i get hypothermic - i actually started getting hypothermic the other night because my blankets fell off the bed on a cooler night, it sucked lol))

Im so sick of having to wear shoes in my bathroom due to the carpet being pulled back, its uncomfortable to traverse that mess while having an injured back. Im sick of all the wildfire ash thats poured into my bathroom and probably my room too. (I had JUST changed my last air filter the day before the fire started lmao probably used up the whole thing already, i never got to keep my clean air room i had just started).

I had to deep clean the kitchen and deep vacuum the entire house with my back thats been injured since MAY since grandpa wont clean up after himself, and apparently my mom has also not been cleaning for years in her room (and my mom has the nerve to judge me for having a clean but cluttered room! Its her fault its cluttered because im not allowed to have anything of mine except food downstairs!). I havent been able to get treatment for my back because my mom has the only car and shes been out of town for the past month+.

Im fucking scared as fuck because i couldnt get ahold of a doctors office for a prescription for my endo and so now ive been having to take the leftovers i had of a lower dose. I live in a dead zone so a lot of the time i cant make phonecalls, idk if the issue was my end or the doctors and im just too stressed to try again bc if i think ab endo im gonna have a mental breakdown, its already bad enough having EXTREME phone anxiety due to not being able to understand people when they talk especially over a garbled phone connection. Im supposed to quit this med at the end of the month and idk how im gonna survive. I might not. I was completely su// ici// dal during the last couple flare ups. Endo is incurable and apparently im resistant to medication and surgical treatment. So its untreatable for me too.

Then theres my whole depression. This just fucking kicked off a really terrible mood swing and ive been like crying and moping in bed for hours trying NOT to think about where i know the things i used to s.h. before are packed. Bc that hasnt ever stopped being on my fucking mind since before i even started as a teen lmao. I cant stop thinking about how im existing against my will. Theres just no good way to die. Id feel guilty too because of how expensive my jaw treatments are and i havent even finished.

Speaking of, my jaw is still fucked and not getting any better lmao. Im in constant pain and headaches because of the aligners on my teeth. Im making myself sick from eating depression foods because by the time i take the things off my teeth to eat and drink, my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts, my head hurts, my tummy hurts, and after i eat anything i feel sick and tired and lightheaded from not being able to snack or drink when i want at my own pace, and then suddenly having to eat a whole meals worth of food in one sitting. (Not that i do that lmao ive been eating really lightly bc i am not physically up to the task of cooking or eating anything. I CAN cook. Just not physically, or mentally any more). So ive been eating terribly within my already limited diet. (And my jaw wont stop popping and cracking painfully every time i chew anything which is so humiliating and frustrating and painful and i cant eat a lot of foods i used to.)

There just too much going on all at once and im fucking sick of everything. I was already at my fucking limit before my mom fucked off to do pet sitting for a relative and went back on her word that she'd bring the dog to stay at our house. Which means ive gone since May without treatment for my back except for the chiropractor i see right after my therapy appointment. Which i dont think is doing enough. I dont know what more can be done when i constantly have to do back breaking things around the house. And when i told my mom ab how im not able to get the care i need because of her leaving, she turned it on me and said it was my fault for not making an appointment. Fucking gaslighting asshole. How the fuck am i supposed to get to an appointment 30-40 minutes away when i dont have the car? (Because theres no where local that will take my insurance, and i dont think even the places 30-40 minutes away will take it either.)

I dont know how anyone manages to live. Just existing is constant pain due to fibromyalgia and arthritis. Its constant hypervigilance and fear from the endo. Its extreme treatment-resistant depression (i fucking wish antidepressants worked on me lmao but that was the most miserable 5 years of my life trying every class of them). Its gender dysphoria and i cant transition because i cant work or live independently (its not safe for me to come out or transition while living in grandpas house hed kick me out). Its loneliness because i have like 2 friends i occasionally talk to online but no one close and were not on the same circles even, not like i even have a stable internet connection to do anything more than just over messaging. I dont have the mental energy to be friends w anyone either bc i have nothing to offer. Existing while alive is a full time job with no pay or benefits. I dont even know anyone irl thats not relatives (im not close with anyone in my family at all) or a doctor. I dont have a license or car because family wouldnt let me practise when i did have permits and i certainly can't afford the $12k a year it costs to own a car in Cali, let alone to purchase one. I cant work but im not disabled enough to be legally disabled. Certainly wouldnt be able to afford to live in this area/county even if i could do some work beyond an occasional online resale, which sucks because this is where my tribe is and i just wish this area was a better fit for me. Just doing things around the house is what caused my back to go out in the first place and now its a chronic fucking issue, and i can barely walk to the mailbox or do grocery shopping. Its not safe for me to live alone either, probably, even tho i cant handle living with roommates because im too asocial for them.

Im so sick of everything. Why do i have to be blamed for the electricity. Im an artist and apparently using the skills i spent 4 years learning at college and countless hours improving on my own is using too much electricity if i turn on my computer to participate in a week of a drawing challenge. What if i had a fucking work from home job?? (Not like that would ever happen, grandpa wouldnt choose the cheaper and faster internet plan i told him to go with and instead chose a more expensive plan with a different company that has a data cap, so now it sucks for no reason other than that he doesnt want to take advice from either a woman or a young person! [Im not a woman but he doesnt know that]). I cant even try to apply for any kind of work from home job bc of the internet. Its hard enough trying to make a call over data, having to put it on speakerphone and reach my phone against my room window while i lean over the counter. I was already unemployed before the pandemic due to the same mental health issues i havent stopped suffering from.

I wish that i wanted to live and do better for myself but whats the fucking point any more. I dont even want to live. I have no fucking reason to. At all. Im only alive bc there's no good way to die. Every day i think about how much i wish i didnt exist. It sucks and theres no fucking treatment that works. Therapy probably helps but its not making improvements for me when there are too many things out of my control making my life completely fucking miserable, its just damage reduction at this point.

I even exercise. Often. Despite the pain in my back and everywhere else. It does not help when i have fibromyalgia. Im in extreme pain even with the lightest exercise. But ive been exercising since the last endo flare up in fucking march in the hopes itll make my next endo flare up a little less worse if im stronger. Who knows if its working. Guess ill find out after the end of this month. God im so fucking scared.

I dont want to do anything rn im just so fucking miserable. But now my room is heating up since its the end of the day and im sweating too much to keep lying in bed being miserable. Idk what im gonna do. Besides ignore the ideation and knowledge about where my sharp objects are. I was working on sewing but i lost steam because of grandpa blaming me for the electricity sending me down a spiral. As if im not already doing enough cleaning up the whole fucking house and trying to prevent mold growth from the leak he caused and then laughed it off and wouldnt help me move (not my) furniture to prevent water damage.

Fuck i still have to measure the carpet padding so i can buy more later. At least the carpet itself is safe. Its getting dark out and i threw that padding shit outside and forgot about it last week so i dont wanna deal with measuring that right now. Ugh.

What do i even do when im too fucking depressed to do anything at all?? No one fucking prepares you for how fucking miserable being alive actually is.

[floofysmallbob]

I worked so fucking hard, so fucking hard, and I’m stuck behind everyone again.

I’ve always been so far ahead, I’ve always prided myself on being the best, that’s my whole fucking value, that’s all I fucking am. Other than that, I just make my whole personality being being a retarded ass faggot. I have no character, I just make dirty jokes and hate myself, and that’s all I ever do. I’ve always thought I was an artist, but now I can’t even make the simplest things, the things I was best at look like they do in my head, or even decent. I got rejected from art school, I can barely finish a single piece, and haven’t for months. I’ve prided myself on being the smartest my whole life. I started reading chapter books at 4, I was always gifted, I was always a grade ahead in reading and math, I had to skip a grade when I transferred schools and they didn’t have the same acceleration program because it was so frustratingly easy, I had to prove so many fucking times that I belonged in the class that they didn’t put me in, I got all As while being suicidal and depressed, I would cry when I got 94s, because I had to be smart, because that’s all I know I am.

I had to take a month off of school due to mental health, and it felt like I failed. I felt horrid when I ended that year with a B in math, I felt like I didn’t deserve the class that I had pushed to be put in. I got kicked out of school last year, and the homeschool program just felt like they were ridiculing me, underestimating me, putting me down. It felt terrible, it made me feel the way I did when I had to skip a grade, when I left my one friend at that school behind and had to deal with being made fun of behind my back, just so I could take classes that were my level. I may have finished that homeschool program with As, but I felt undeserving, unworthy, and useless.

And then my friend texts me, my friend who has always said they were in higher level math courses despite not doing so in school, and says that my old school, the one I was kicked out of because the teachers were ableist pieces of shit, has changed up their math program, that they’re now in a math curriculum I haven’t done yet. My friend who has always been in classes below me.

And they told me our mutual friend, the one I’ve always felt inferior to, the one who has never had her grades drop below a 90, who is so incredibly smart and works so hard despite being there on financial aid, is now two grades ahead of where I am, which is already 1-2(depends on the school) years ahead of average. That our mutual friend has to take an optional course because if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have a math class for senior year.

Because despite my efforts, despite being younger than everyone in my grade, despite all of my dumb fucking irrelevant struggles, I’m still being surpassed. By people that I thought I could compete with, that I thought I could be on the same level as. But I’ve been stuck at home since November, I haven’t seen any of my friends in months, I’m lagging behind now because of how shitty that homeschool program was, and I’m afraid I’m just going to get kicked out of another school, because my mental health is terrible and people talked behind my back(and right in front of me), and one of my only good qualities is disappearing, because I can’t do basic addition or remember anything, let alone do duel fucking enrollment.

What the hell was I thinking, planning to take a French III class at the community college this year, and try and do math with people two grades my senior, and try to keep my friendships when everyone is either changing schools of moving and my old school has just gotten worse and I can’t trust anyone and I have to TALK TO FUCKING INTERNET BASTARDS BECAUSE I CANT TELL ANYTHING TO THE PEOPLE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE CLOSE WITH and I can’t cry or scream because I stopped being able to a while back, and I can’t even trust my own feelings or this fucking tumblr rant because of hormones, and menstrual cycles, and being a teenager, and I can’t do anything because it just feels neon orange and I don’t even want to kill myself anymore and I wish I did because then I would at least have something to blame and hope for but if I don’t want to die I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to be stuck like this and I can’t

I can’t be stuck here with terrible mental health and silent tearless sobbing and people who are leaving me and surpassing me and a lack of being able to do anything and feeling horrible and terrible and like I’m about to start convulsing and stuck with a sibling that screams and a dad who has to have his teenage child clean his apartment and a retarded brain that just hates me and I can’t

and I’m stuck on my device all the time because I can’t do anything else and and d jchejxihdjskndnxnannsnc dna dnd andand how is it that I’m such a mess and I can’t do anything and it feels like my heart is trying to escape my body and maybe I wish it would and nothing had to be like this and I could have been better and I could have dont better and I know I need to be better because how the hell did I end up here having to spill all my worst thoughts onto a screen and everything is bricked up and it’s that color too and it just feels like something is knocking against that wall so hard and I wish it would just fall over already but it won’t and it won’t just fall and I just won’t fucking die and I want to want to die and I’m just some incompetent little shit and I don’t know anything about myself and I’m just trying to grab fucking attention because I’m desperate just like I’m desperate for validation and I’m desperate to be the best because I need to be the best, I need to be the best at something, just one thing. And I tried to go to the climbing gym because that used to be my thing, too, I was a climber, I was good at it, and I used to be good at gymnastics, too, when I was little, and now being smart is becoming the ‘used to’ and my younger sibling is doing all those things now and doing them so much better than I ever did and now I’ve just got reading, and I’m just barely holding on to that feeling of intelligence and now I don’t think I could beat a 5th grader in an academic competition and I’m just losing everything and I can’t fucking deal with it and I’m overreacting and I’m being dramatic and this isn’t real just like how I’m probably lying about everything else too and I’m doubting the words I’m writing right now and I can’t.

I’ve said it so many times when people try to tell me to just do but I can’t

I can’t