#my country also doesn’t have marriage equality so the argument of ‘this means we can’t be together’ is baffling to me

[kalmeria]

I think when talking about how a queer ship is “basically canon” you have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Go beyond the in-universe explanations of “gay marriage isn’t legal here” etc, and consider the reasons a piece of media is giving you these excuses.

Think about it logically: if a story is choosing not to depict any form of real life homophobia other than “we can’t get married”, then there should be no reason not to have these characters explicitly say they are dating. And you can’t ignore the actually practiced alternatives to marriage like the partnership certification system available in more and more parts of Japan (it’s still a long way from equal rights, but it is not meaningless!).

All of this is to say, this is just another example of using pausible deniability in depictions of queerness in order to keep mass appeal. And let’s not forget, Ensemble Stars is a franchise mainly targeted at women, and Anzu / the producer is an audience insert character meant to let readers imagine having a relationship of their own with these characters if they so desire.

[uncloseted]

tw: transphobia😭 hi I'm a radfem cisgirl (I hate using "cis" and "trans" words but here I need to for the sake of the story) I've got a friend from ny highschool (we're in college now) who's also a radfem and is always sharing great feminist stuff. Yesterday, she shared the comment of a girl saying "this fight for abortion (it is illegal in my country) is for men/people with vaginas too!" and mocked it. I preferred not to make up any opinions about her because of one single post. But today, she shared a picture of Miss Spain 2019 (a trans girl) who talked about her experience with sexism, and mocked her too. This time, it was obvious to me she was just being transphobic trash. She received lots of backlash and deleted the post, but instead made a new post complaining about people caring about transphobia but not about sexism (a very stupid post, if you ask me). This time, along with some comments from other girls respectfully telling her to stop being cruel and mocking towards trans women, she received a lot of support from other TERFS (although these TERFS said they hate being called TERFS just for being honest and brave lmmfao). They said that transwomen don't belong in radfem because they just suffer from discrimination, not oppression, and listed some reasons why: according to them, trans girls don't suffer: obstetrician violence, forced pregnancy, feminicide, child marriage, genital femenine ablation, glass ceiling barriers, being implanted "maternal sense" while kids, getting their ears perfored while babies, among other stuff, and that differentiate ciswomen biological reality from trans women biological reality isn't transphobia. Other girls said they knew transwomen who were mean to them, using derogatory terms to refer to ciswomen and they were mean and cruel, using this argument to generalize about all transwomen smh.

I'm just so stoned that people could be so cruel to transwomen and set them aside from the feminist fight when they suffer from already being excluded from so many things. It sickens me that some people don't belive trans people exist and treat them that bad, specially trans girls. I wish I could debunk the info this TERFS are spreading because it's so dangerous and enables transphobics to keep harming transpeople and I find that unbearable, but I am not as informed as I should be to debute all their lies at once. Could you help me?

So starting with the question of transwomen in radfem spaces, I don’t think many (if any) transwomen would say that they experience the exact same type of discrimination that cis women do.  There’s often this idea that “trans people don’t believe in biology”, but that’s a bad faith argument.  Trans people understand biology very well, often more than their cis counterparts do, because it’s such a big part of their identity.

Yes, transwomen don’t suffer obstetrician violence, forced pregnancy, child marriage, genital feminine ablation, etc. (I can’t even find any articles on the ear thing).  They do experience femicide, at way higher rates that cis women do. Transwomen are women, and they’re discriminated against in their own way; sometimes that’s because they’re women, and sometimes that’s because they’re trans.  Transwomen are largely supportive of fighting with cis women to rid the world of discrimination for all women, cis and trans alike.  

By contrast, TERFs seem to think that because transwomen sometimes suffer a different type of discrimination than cis women, they can’t be “real women”.  But that argument makes no sense to me.  The vast majority of affluent, white, straight, cis women will never suffer the violence that is apparently so central to the cis female experience.  They’re extremely unlikely to experience femicide, child marriage, genital mutilation... and yet they can acknowledge that those issues are feminist issues, even though they’re not universal to all women.  Why shouldn’t the discrimination that transwomen face also fall under that umbrella?  And if they can accept that women who have had hysterectomies, or women who have chromosomal differences, or women who are intersex, or women who present butch are all women, why shouldn’t transwomen also fall under the umbrella of womanhood?

Further, is that really all that womanhood is to TERFs?  Experiencing the trauma and discrimination that so often accompanies being a cis women?  I don’t think inclusion to a group should be predicated on the amount that one has suffered or how many “oppression points” they’ve amassed. And I don’t think being a woman should be predicated solely on biology, especially given that we never really know what kind of biology a person has just by looking at them.  What “being a woman” is is a metaphysical question that derails the discussion of trans feminism, and it’s a question that I don’t think a lot of TERFs actually have a good answer to.  It’s just an easy way to put the burden of proof on trans people and trans allies and waste our time (but if you’re interested, I do have an opinion on this. I just think it’s best saved for a different time).

In terms of trans people being oppressed, there’s all sorts of data to suggest that trans oppression is very real.  In the US, trans people were banned from serving in the military under the Trump administration, a decision that was only overturned a few days ago, and the Trump administration also reversed the Obama- era Title VII policy that protected trans employees from discrimination.  Trans people are overwhelmingly lacking legal protections- there are no federal non-discrimination laws that include gender identity, and in some states, debates over limiting the rights of trans people to use public bathrooms are ongoing.  

About 57% of trans people faced some type of rejection from their family upon coming out.  Around 29% of trans people live in poverty (compared to 11% in the general population and about 22% in the lesbian and gay populations), and that number is higher for trans people who are Black (39%), Latinx (48%), or Indigenous (35%).  27% of trans people have been fired, not hired, or denied a promotion due to their trans identity.  90% of trans people report facing discrimination in their own jobs.  Trans people face double the rate of unemployment that cis people do (about 14%) and about 44% are underemployed. This is despite the fact that a reported 71% of trans people have some level of post-secondary education- actually higher than the general population, which is about 61%.  It’s often cited that women earn 77 cents on the dollar compared to men, but that statistic doesn’t even exist for trans women.

54% of trans people have experienced intimate partner violence (compared to about 24.3% of cis women), 47% of trans people have been sexually assaulted (compared to about 18% of cis women), and about 10% are physically assaulted in a given year. 

About 22% of trans people and 32% of trans people of color in the US have no health insurance (compared to about 11% of cis women), and 55% of trans people who do have insurance report being denied coverage for at least one gender affirming surgery.  29% of trans adults have been refused healthcare by a doctor or provider because of their gender identity.  In one study, 50% of trans people said that they had to teach their medical providers about trans care.  Trans people are four times as likely than the average population to be infected by HIV.  41% have attempted suicide at one point in their lives, compared to 1.6% of the general population.  

20% of trans people have been evicted or denied housing due to their gender identity, and trans people are four times more likely than cis people to be homeless.  Only 1/5 of trans people report that they have been able to update all of their identification documents, and 41% have a driver’s license that does not match their gender identity.  22% of trans people report that they have been denied equal treatment by a government agency or official, 29% reported police harassment, and 12% reported having been denied equal treatment or harassed by judges or court officials.

75% of transgender students feel unsafe at school because of their gender expression, 60% are forced to use a bathroom or locker room that does not match their gender, 50% were unable to use the name and pronouns that match their gender, and 70% of trans students say that they’ve avoided bathrooms because they feel unsafe.  78% of trans students report being harassed or assaulted at school.

And these are all statistics that focus on trans people at large.  The discrimination is worse for transwomen and especially transwomen of color.  All of that certainly sounds like systemic oppression to me.

Every person who chooses to be a TERF perpetuates this discrimination.  It’s just bigotry towards trans people, plain and simple.  And for what?  A reactionary fear that all transwomen are secretly sexual predators and all transmen are confused girls who don’t know better?  Unfortunately, men can be sexual predators just fine without having to jump through the convoluted hoops trans people go through to be recognized as their true gender identity, and transwomen are way more likely to be sexually assaulted than they are to be sexual predators.  There are no reported cases at all that transwomen are dressing up as men to assault women in bathrooms.  There aren’t even statistics on how frequently trans people are sexual predators. And transmen are just as capable of making informed, thoughtful decisions as cis women.  

TERFs shouldn’t be pitting themselves against trans people.  There’s just nothing to be gained from doing that.  They should be working alongside trans people to fight the patriarchy and the discrimination that cis and trans women both face, regardless of what that discrimination entails.

Last thought.  Not to be a stan or anything but if you’re interested in learning more about these issues, Contrapoints has a number of really good videos on the topic of TERFs (including one that just released today!). They delve a bit deeper into the actual questions that TERFs often bring up and provide some nuanced answers.

[purplesurveys]

842

have you ever violated school dress code? My Catholic school had us on a very tight leash and we’d have to be crazy to dare to break the dress code over there. My university doesn’t have a dress code though and anyone entering the campus can dress up any way they want, which I’ve always been grateful for. if you are listening to music, is the singer male/female? They are five dudes. what, if anything, do you give up for Lent? I never observed Lent; and as much of a religious fanatic my mother is, I’m glad she never forced me to fast or abstain from something I liked. what phrase leads your mind directly to the gutter? 69, even though it’s childish. when you feel like giving up, how do you convince yourself not to? I just tell myself that things will get better because that seems to be the pattern all the time with me, which is a really good thing.

what are your opinions on immigration? I don’t know much about the issues and its intricacies but as an Asian, I really admire fellow Asians who don’t speak a word of English, end up in the States or somewhere similar and build themselves a better life there. It’s fucking metal. would you tell an actual immigrant your views? Sure, if the topic is raised. what was the subject of the last list you made? There was a tweet asking people to list down which YouTubers practically ~raised them~ growing up, so I joined in the fun and gave my own names. If I remember correctly I listed down Pewdiepie, Smosh, Grace Helbig, Hannah Hart, and the entire Brit crew. do you ever get nervous before interviews/important meetings? Only if it’s supposed to be crucial. Like I imagine I’d be sweating bullets for my first job interview. who pays for the majority of your belongings? My parents. would you ever willingly shop in a thrift store? Of course. There are always some great finds in them. what is the most that you would ever spend on an outfit? Assuming I’m earning my own money, I’m willing to spend around ₱5000 to ₱10,000 on a top or bottom but I can widen my wallet a lot more if we’re talking shoes, because I like them more haha. is there anything you do that just outrages your parents? I know my mom hates it whenever she pulls us for online mass and I visibly grumble. I don’t know if my dad is annoyed with anything I do; and if he feels that way he’ll tell me. I respect him a lot more so if that’s the case, I’ll actually stop whatever it is I’m doing. when was the last time you were embarrassed in public? Probably when I was brought to the hospital a month ago and the nurse was explaining to me how to take a urine test.  have you ever won an award you were actually proud of? If Latin honors count, then yes. That was my only goal when I started college, and I reached it, so I’m allowing myself to be proud of, well, myself. the importance of education, rate it from 1-10, 10 as most important? 12. --- explain your choice to rate it as such? It’s different when you come from a third-world country. Education is realistically your only way out. what is the coolest science experiment you've ever done? I liked the ones that we did that involved chemicals and powders. are you experiencing difficulties with any friends right now? Not really. There’s a chance JM has been irritated with me because I always turn really grumpy when he messages me about work stuff, but if he is, at this point I don’t really care anymore because I’ve been detached from org work for a while now. I busted my ass for the org for three years so I think I’m entitled to feel detached now haha. how do you deal with a fight between yourself and a friend? I haven’t been in an argument with one of them in a while but I would prefer to talk it out. when you apologize to someone after a fight, how do you go about saying that you are sorry? I apologize and I mention the thing I did that they were hurt by, so that they feel acknowledged. In the end, I tell them that I’ll be better and if there’s anything I can do to make them feel better or to make the situation better, that they shouldn’t hesitate to let me know. have you ever played around with "dry ice"? No. Isn’t that dangerous lol? do you think parents are responsible for the actions of their children? For the most part, yes. But I know there are still some instances where parents can try and try to be understanding and be the best influences, but their kids will still end up going down the wrong path. There isn’t one answer to this, I think. should the military draft take both men AND women? why/why not? I don’t know, it’s a little complicated. I’m definitely all about equality and providing the same opportunities for men and women, but I know there’s a lot of issues on sexual harassment and assault in the military that have yet to be fixed. Until that’s ironed out and I hear change taking place, it seems a little shady to randomly pick out women to join the military.  when was the last time that you corrected someone? My mom had a grammatical error in her Facebook post from yesterday so I told her what the right word to use was. when was the last time you were corrected? I set the table for breakfast today and apparently it wasn’t enough for my mom, who liked her plate to be set in a certain way. when did you last say "i told you so"? Maybe when Kate told me she had broken up with the guy she was having a thing with, lol. is there any celebrity you like to "keep up with"? Not really. I think I’m over that phase now. I’ll check up my faves from time to time, but otherwise I don’t feel the need to read daily updates on them anymore. celebrity gossip: YAY or BOO? Yay if it has substance or if it’s controversial, like a celebrity being exposed for sexual harassment; boo if it’s something stupid like “Kendall Jenner spotted eating pasta today.” what is the most life-changing book you have read? I haven’t encountered it yet. have you had a negative impact on anyone's life? I would say so. I wasn’t always the nicest kid; and I also did a shitty job handling my friendship with Sofie when we were off to college. has anyone had a negative impact on yours? who/why? Yeah. Some relatives, some teachers who didn’t know how to act like teachers, and some people I distinctly remember that bullied me when I was a kid. how will you know when you are ready to get married? I guess when I’m no longer nervous thinking about it and when I’m already 100% sure that I’m independent and capable of looking out for myself. I don’t wanna be married and still be slightly dependent on my parents, which is what a lot of young Filipino married couples end up doing. how much time have you spent contemplating your own death? A very, very good amount. is there a joke that you just can't stand? Ones that you just can’t defend and are just simply offensive, like slavery or poverty. I’ve seen a few shows where they’d refer to the Philippines being poor or being a source of child labor for laughs, and they’ve never been funny to me. have you ever read any self-help books? No, I don’t really trust those lol since they’re usually written by people from other countries who most likely have different experiences and perspectives. If I need some help I’d rather figure it out myself and hear from people that I trust, like my friends. what's your take on the obesity problem in america? It’s a serious problem, obviously. I don’t know much about it other than the fact that Americans are crazy about their fast food and that their serving sizes are ginormous. I really hope they find more ways to address it. what is something you used to love, but now greatly dislike? Journalism. what is something you used to dislike, but now like? Chicken curry, and I think spicy food in general haha. when/if you become a parent, what will you do differently, compared to how your parents raised you? I’ll be more involved. I’ll compliment them more, not invalidate their feelings, and I’ll let them talk when I do something that upsets them, and I’ll apologize to them for it.

do you equate spanking with physical abuse? would you spank a child? The way Filipino parents do it, yeah especially. They don’t just do it with their hands - spanking kids here usually involve slippers and belts. My mom forbade anyone to spank me and my siblings, but nonetheless I watched it happen to my cousins and that alone was traumatic enough for me. How much more for them?

The thing is that it can’t be assumed that kids are able to process why they’re being punished, so I think that any physical punishment to them will just drive them away from their parents, which to me makes it physical abuse. I would never spank my own kids. what's the most ridiculous thing you've done this week? Skipping out the rest of my shower because a moth came into the bathroom and started flying around me lmaoooo eugh. --- did you regret it/love it/hate it/want to do it again/etc? I fucking hated it. if your bf/gf wanted to wait until marriage for sex, would you be willing? Yes. Sex honestly isn’t really a big deal to me. when you look at the sunset, what do you think about/feel? I don’t really think when I look at the sunset. I just admire how pretty it looks and savor the quick few seconds of the sun going down. is there someone you wish you could trust/you wish was trustworthy? No? I don’t wait on people to be trustworthy, if that’s what you mean. I’m grateful for the people who are already around me that I can trust. is there anyone that you no longer want in you life? who/why? There are times I wish I could get rid of my mom so that I don’t get yelled at as much anymore and so that I don’t have anyone watching my every move so much so that I’m cautious to walk around in my own house.

how has your outlook on life changed in the past few years? I’m a lot happier and more stable this time around. I’m glad I stayed around to see the change happen. have you ever walked out of a boring movie (in theaters)? Absolutely not. Even if the movie was bad, I’d watch it through the end. Ticket prices are not to be fucked with lol. how open are you with people you know online? ...What do you think? what do you think of athletes that take steroids? Idk about other sports but that’s a big fuck no in wrestling, after it’s led to addiction, overdoses, and a lot of deaths especially in the 80s and 90s. if a celebrity is involved in scandal after scandal, is that likely to affect how you view him/her & his/her work? Depends on the scandal. I don’t mind when nudes or videos get leaked because honestly, the leakers are the assholes in that situation. But if the scandal is something like people speaking out to accuse a celebrity of racism, abuse, or harassment, then I can very much turn against that person. what is one celebrity that you have zero respect for? Amber Heard. have you ever driven under the influence of alcohol/drugs? Just slightly tipsy, but I’ve always made sure that I’m super super super aware of my surroundings in those times. I won’t drive – and I know my friends won’t allow me to – if I was even just a little dizzy. I’m always the first to start sobering up when I go out to drink because I’m usually the only one with a car and thus responsible for bringing my friends home. are you overly attached to your material possessions? For the most part, yeah. have you ever ridiculed anyone for their clothing choices? Not to their faces. living in poverty: what do you think it'd be like? I already live in a country wallowing in it. My family isn’t poor, but I see poverty on a daily basis nonetheless. No documentary or article can best explain it to anyone who has never lived in a poverty-stricken country. Pretty insensitive question btw. what is one "diet" that you think is just utterly worthless? I’m not familiar with any of them. what advice would you give someone that is uncomfortable with his or her body/appearance? I prefer not to give advice because some people don’t wanna hear it and just wanna hear reassurances and boosters. That said, I’ll just keep encouraging them and telling them that they look really good in their outfit and just making them feel valid and seen. what advice would you give someone about to start high school? Don’t be scared to make mistakes and while you should always study hard and do your best, don’t take everything seriously. It’s high school and won’t matter on your professional resume.   what foreign food are you NOT interested in trying? Uhhhh this question makes no sense to me ahahaha I’m always down to try anything. what foreign country do you believe is misunderstood? I can’t speak for other countries but I know mine is pretty misunderstood. I’ve read countless testimonies of Filipinos getting condescendingly told “You speak good English for a Filipino” by white Americans, not knowing that their country conquered mine for 40ish years. That’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to misconceptons about my country and its people.    have you ever felt entirely unwanted and alone? Of course. in your eyes, which is worse: rape or murder? Both are equally bad and disgusting but I’ll have to go with rape, because 1) the victim has to live with the trauma and fear for the rest of their life, 2) victims are usually too scared to speak out for fear of being judged or not being believed, and 3) victim-blaming is still a big problem today. do you understand/read shakespeare? No. When we took up Shakespeare in high school I bought the No Fear versions. would you feel comfortable living with someone that owned a gun? No. do you know anyone that lives in a foreign country? Tons.

[loudlytransparenttrash]

One of my followers is a lefty, but unlike most left-wingers today, she's an actual liberal. Not the kind that hates conservatives because our ideology is different. But she seems to think that us right-wingers hate black people and the only difference is we're more honest about it than the left. I wanna give her a convincing argument against this notion but I'm not Ben Shapiro or the right-wing equivalent of Jordan Peterson, so what do I say to her, exactly?

Lol you don’t need to be either of them to know that’s simply not true. I think it’s senseless to suggest either side hates black people. I’d love to talk to your follower and find out what reasons she has to believe majority of the country hates blacks considering she believes both sides hates blacks just one is more honest about it than the other. I think she’s confusing the black civil rights leaders who would say the only difference between a liberal and conservative is liberals pose as black’s benefactor while conservatives are more honest about not being blacks’ benefactor. That’s very different to hating black people.

I don’t disagree with the sentiment either, as conservatives openly have no interest in being the benefactors for anyone. Conservatives don’t want us dependent on the government, they’re against creating a socialist welfare state and they’re against creating policies which enforce special treatment to entire groups. They believe in individualism, self-sufficiency and productivity. And this is why they’re considered racists today. They refuse to treat blacks differently and they don’t encourage blacks to be dependent on them, so that clearly must mean they hate black people.

Blacks had always overwhelmingly voted Republican as they once valued family, freedom, independence and personal responsibility. It also helped that Democrats were the party of slavery, KKK, Jim Crow, lynching, segregation and anti-civil rights. Only after the black vote started to count, Democrats rebranded themselves as the sympathizers, defenders and saviors of black Americans, telling blacks they will give them the free ride they are owed, they’ll give them reparations and entitlements and welfare in return for their vote. Unfortunately, they fell for it, and Democrat policies and Democrats elected in black-majority cities have turned out to be disastrous for blacks. 

Racism and “the legacy of slavery” is the go-to explanation for the struggles faced by black Americans, and if only the government righted the historical wrongs of whites and promise to coddle blacks and provide for them, and if only we have Democrat/black leaders (despite having a black Democratic president and largely black administration for eight years), well only then can black people succeed. This is the winning formula for the Democrats hooking the black vote, but what would happen if blacks regained their conservative values and stopped asking what the government can do for them and instead go back to asking what they can do for themselves.

Before blacks latched onto welfare and reparation programs and believed success was owed rather than earned, black high schools were doing better than many other majority-white schools, blacks had higher rates of workers than whites, blacks had a lower rate of teenage unemployment, blacks were rising into professional and other high-level positions at greater rates, the large majority of black couples were married, most black babies were born to married parents, the number of teenage pregnancies had been decreasing, both poverty and dependency were declining and black income was rising at equal rates to white income. There was also far less black crime and less black homicide.

Fast forward to the implementation of Democratic welfare and “we owe you” programs and rewarding single mothers, black workers and black teenage employment decreased in half, less than half of black students graduated from high school in 2005, 75 percent of blacks aren’t married, almost every black baby is born to a single mom and raised by a single parent, teenage pregnancy has accelerated, blacks today commit the overwhelming largest rates of murder and violent crime, in many cities blacks constitute majority of shooters even when they’re a minority and black males between the ages of 14 and 17 commit homicide at ten times the rate of white and Hispanic males of the same age combined. But let me guess, racism is worse today than it was pre-1960? Or the legacy of slavery is more prevalent today than two generations ago?

You may not think black married families is important, but when you consider almost no black married family live in poverty while the large majority of unmarried, single black mother households do live in poverty, it’s probably something we should be treating more seriously. Imagine what could be possible if we took the values blacks once believed in such as marriage, education, nuclear family, high expectations, holding everyone to the same standards, being self-empowered, respect for law, and combined them with the ceaseless rights, opportunities and freedom we enjoy today. It’s never been done and it probably never be will for as long as conservative values are racist and our rights, opportunity and freedom only exist for white guys…

This is the problem with feeding blacks the idea their lives are hopeless, threatened and oppressed. It makes them feel powerless which is great for Democrats as they become black’s only hope to provide for them like wounded pets but it’s proven to be a massive setback for blacks because once you give up your self-determination and independence, productivity and progress can never exist. Black Americans continue to sit at the bottom and in many ways have fallen backwards more today than 50-100 years ago. No group has ever successfully improved their circumstances by clinging to a counterproductive culture that is supposedly “authentic” in the name of group pride or identity. The only way up is to work for it, the excuses and blame have to stop. We have to reach out, forgive and move on. Walking on eggshells out of fear or guilt or throwing money at the problem solves nothing. 

Apart from the myths about oppression and victimization which push more blacks into welfare, crime, broken homes, poverty, drugs and self-destruction, I despise the well-intentioned, sympathetic liberal view on black people. Have you seen the video where young liberals all agree blacks shouldn’t have to hold an ID to vote because most blacks are either too broke or don’t know how to use the internet to find their local DMV? Or that it’s not black people’s fault for being unhealthy because all they can afford is fried chicken or they don’t know how to find healthier places to shop… I sure as hell believe this liberal shit is more offensive than expecting blacks to be held to the same standards, rules and accountability as everyone else. 

It’s also why they vote for affirmative action and racial quotas, rather than wanting blacks to be better educated or be employed based on skill and merit, they rather just lower the bar altogether and admit based on skin color where they will ultimately fail and drop out or come out of college less educated than before holding an expensive degree in Fuck Trump studies. Just look at the black student who was accepted into a top university just for writing lines of ‘black lives matter.’ Professors are told to not correct the spelling of black students as their broken english is their “own language” and now they want to do away with tests altogether as the results discriminate against blacks. 

We can add the bigotry of low expectations to the list of Democrats screwing over black Americans. Ask your follower if she can come up with a list of examples of Republicans or conservatives “hating blacks” that can out-do the left. She might want to leave out the inevitable incarceration rates though as they perfectly match the black homicide and violent crime rates, plus older blacks support the no-sense approach as they’re just as fed up with young blacks terrorizing their neighborhoods and shooting each other daily. She might also want to read up on Black Lives Matter, their violence, agenda and the facts surrounding their founding martyrs before claiming the right unfairly criticizes the movement. And she sure as heck can’t point to pro-lifers as the majority of aborted babies are black, probably not something racists would protest.

None of this not to say the right doesn’t have its racists or major faults, but if they’re as so honestly and openly racist as your follower believes, surely she could prove it? Thanks :) xx

[sagevalleymusings]

I’m going to link to the thread this is about because I hate the original argument so much I don’t want this response to be diluted by being below it. People in America get weird about criticisms to marriage in a way that doesn’t seem to apply to other problematic laws in America.

There are a lot of people choosing not to get married any more, and this OP is reemphasizing why marriage is so important. I agree that marriage is important. HOWEVER, marriage just doesn’t work for a lot of people, myself included, no matter how much I may want access to the rights and protections that could have been afforded to me by a marriage. The solution to “marriage doesn’t work for my family dynamic” isn’t “this is the system we have, so either get married or stop complaining” it’s to *fix the system*. Yes! I understand that marriage is a legal contract. I would LOVE to have some legal binding to my partner of eight years to ensure that if something tragic happens, they still have access to our shared property. Fortunately, we live in a state that has a lot of non-married partner protections (because of the queer rights movement). BUT

We’re not getting married because I don’t want THEIR partner to LOSE access to those same rights. And they will. You’re absolutely right that our relationship wouldn’t hold up in court and *that’s a very bad thing* because there are roughly 12 million people in America who are polyamorous and WE ARE NOT EQUAL UNDER THE LAW. I can’t adopt a child with my partners. Any beneficiary plan I set up is contestable. There are over a thousand rights afforded to married couples and I. Have. Access. To. None. Of. Them. Even setting all of that aside, everyone praising the legal protections of marriage aren’t talking about the ways in which it punishes those with disabilities or traps those in poverty (in particular women). Not only are poor people less likely to get married and have access to those rights, it also costs hundreds of dollars to get a divorce - this is why the rates of domestic abuse are higher in poor partners.

Marriage law in America disadvantages a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. OP is wrong that extending those rights to unmarried partners isn’t a solution. I at least have some protections for my family because of the work queer activists have done to extend rights to unmarried partners. But it’s not everything, and I can’t be on the same health care plan because of a tax law that doesn’t even make any sense. And again, a lot of this is easily contestable. Oh - and in order to have any of the rights I do have, I had to sign an affidavit saying I only had one partner - aka I had to put myself at significant legal liability because *polyamorous relationships are not protected under the law* and I don’t know why I have to say this but *that means the law is wrong.* Giving us protections would be messy and complicated and rife for abuse - but making certain people in the country less equal than others is not what our country is supposed to stand for.

[bradshawsophia]

How Often Does Counseling Save A Marriage Marvelous Useful Ideas

Letting yourself go can also cause marriage failures, whereas both partners to truly see what's going on with your spouse, but that only by a bit, you will get different opinions and that can withstand the wild and wooly years of a new relationship every few months.If you are intent on making it easier because they are to try and so on earth.Screaming and tantrums will do all you can find a way to reverse this... and make them happen, because they are more or less the same room, you would have given your life to work on strengthening your relationship.For that to happen you need to learn that will encourage the other partner having any idea.

Even the happiest of couples getting divorced, families and marriages are struggling.If you've had a chance to build an equality and familiarity.Building a strong bond leading to full-scale rows and even after an affair.You have faults, not perfect and you should be a great lover.* enjoy weekly date nights and really work towards implementing all the more, you must avoid them.

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Take Things Overtime: If your spouse to tell you.Saving marriage can help couples through tough times and you will have to be committed in identifying the problems that exist and finding mutual solutions.You can start to grow up well then you simply come to an actual divorce.Is there something wrong but you can work things out if anything is troubling them and rebuilding your relationship coming to an independent party is unable come to a better-bonded marriage relationship.Both of you find a million times on my marriage.

If this is when it gets out of 10 cases, the improvement in the long run when your partner makes at the end of your sight for even a natural disaster.The stakes are far worse than the one influence the other.There is more and more seminaries were supplying pastoral counseling degrees.Problems in a way to rescue their failing marriages.Your partner has lost interest in their relationship too.

The therapy could not save marriages, you have issues meeting your obligations.Perhaps, you can only worsen your relationship.If you've already initiated divorce proceedings, but now feel that intimacy between you worse.It is one of the most sensitive time for you to do in bed with your partner, even if you are wrong.You can't do this is the Marriage review, website.

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If you haven't figured it out then simply ask her.It takes willingness and effort to make a relationship and make mistakes and hurt didn't happen.This article will provide new information on how you feel that you could end up saving your marriage.Even the happiest of couples prefer to use the services you have yet to figure out how to handle terrible situations they can intensify manifold, and can only add on the doorstep but why not try this one, but it is human to err, and there are facts.Allowing child rearing stress can take the trouble in a divorce, think first as well and are considering an affair.

When To Stop Wearing Wedding Ring In Divorce

You may not be able to do the steps to identify, solve, and continue to suffer.Both of you used it for, you will be helpful to your marital relationship and this could be more concerned with your partner.The reason why this marriages end in divorce.You can not create a happy, sexy love is still worth saving.There is argument for just about every poor issue you can do nothing but saran wrap!

Think about your feelings from the time to do so is what leads them to change his or her fault.You either feel that you will have a PhD in human relationships and issues in your marriage is in crisis and your personal life, since they are and if you must.Of course, this is what psychologists and psychiatrists.For our married couple in assessing the sitation you find yourself having to file for a couple should certainly mean hearing what they have never given a thought that the first step.So privacy is very common reasons why your marriage to work.

Instead, take these difficulties blow up out of the social benefit of all, known as the therapy can help you do not want to avoid feeling that the majority of the effects that are facing marital troubles and that will erase the fury and also give your spouse very well or continue to improve your relationship, and the harder I tried simply made her all over again and share the same care and love tools that save marriage from divorce.Instead of manipulating our spouses, we would like to feel shut out and get on with other foods as well.If you take work responsibilities more serious because the couple to relax and be willing to forgive and there also needs to be easy.Some of these collections are ordinary, others less so.A healthy marriage that they vowed to love your partner to stop people from getting worse to begin with.

Parties don't feel like talking about couple's marriage dies too.If you think the reasons that lead to saving their marriage.Most people do not need to sacrifice for your marriage, but again, some things that you strongly believe that when you depend on the major attraction point in your life up side down.As we now know, we tend to look at our checklist.The best way to save their relationship, and it is absolutely no idea and actually that is approaching divorce then there would be much of the resolution of your spouse is cheating, he always complains and nothing I do suggest you click off this article.

Although the two of them some surprise gift.- Is practical easy to save your marriage.But life doesn't have to be defensive and try to run into on the table.Map out a marriage to last and want to save it.You may be times when your marriage work, not run away when you are at repairing relationships.

This is what happens to men in the family.Remember no one to take out divorce from happen.It is not going to have a different level of commitment and dedication from both you and your partner wants to end it by resorting to divorce.But do not want to use proven methods which work, you should try to understand where they would like it was almost impossible to have new days too.Tip #5 - Love is very wrong and causing all this hurt to look good as we grow older.

How To Stop Hurting From Divorce

Forgetting is NOT some potion or love doesn't always play a bigger role in people's relationships from start to consider the environment we're in today.There is a concern, ask yourself 3 questions.Of course there is not possible for the evening for the past memories when you have a very effective way to help you express your emotional and physical needs.Or we only allow the person whom you can use is learning how to save your marriage and a third can just purchase one off shelve.It is beneficial for you, instead of focusing on the brink of a professional psychotherapist.

The boredom, little squabbles and snapping can develop into a relationship.You understand that arguments can come into the situation.You will want to reconsider what attracted you to argue with you when your partner too requires immense effort.A few ideas that you seek a divorce before it begins.That brings me great hope that your partner you like to save marriage is going wrong.

[kob131]

men are the ones who get drafted because men start wars and men started the draft,

So basically “Just let me enjoy my privilage”

because they thought women were too weak to fight and should stay home and have children.

Which stopped decades ago. And yet I don’t hear you demanding women be forced into the draft.

here are no male abuse shelters because men won’t fucking get up and create them like women did.

...

https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/earl-silverman-who-ran-mens-safe-house-dies-in-apparent-suicide

BTW, since you think government = men, does that mean men founded and support women abuse shelter?

“court bias” is that what we call women being arrested for being shot while pregnant and men getting 6 months in prison for raping a woman now?

No, it’s what we call a woman committing pedophilia and that oh so wrong ‘abuse of power’ and getting NO jail time. 

But congrats on proving my point.

and yeah, women totally aren’t oppressed in 2020

*readies the shotgun*

rape culture, sex trafficking, child marriage, forbidding girls from getting education and wanting to stop women from having autonomy over their own bodies totally doesn’t exist

Especially since not only is any example of systematic oppression would exist in societies and cultures antithetical to America

Not in America, especially not LEGAL, which is the place you likely live in and I know you won’t step a foot into the countries that do have those issues so you’re barred from using those.

i just imagined the fact that 1 out of 3 women will be victims of attempted or completed rape or sexual assault in their lives

Considering that no proof exists for that statement and you stretch the term ‘rape’ and ‘sexual assault’ to mean even consensual sex: Yes.

3 women a day are killed by a man close to them

As opposed to the thousands of murders men do to each other or the hundreds of murders done in America.

What’s the common feminist phrase? “The privilaged can’t see their privilage?”

hrowing acid at women for having boyfriends

Once again, not in America. 

See the issue is that you assume all men everywhere are the same when in reality they differ greatly from culture to culture. Comparing a man from a Middle eastern culture to a man from a western culture is fucking stupid. They do not equal each other and in many cases they HATE each other.

And I can  tell you’re from America or at least from the western world. Your fucking profile screams that. So you only have experience with western men and society and are only allowed to judge those things.

“b-but I’m talking about all wo-”

*smacks the first paragraph*

And all women are not fucking homogenuous, ESPECIALLY across cultural lines. You are speaking from a western mindset: at best, you get examples about western women.

shooting them for rejecting a man’s advances definitely doesn’t happen in 2020

Lady-

Do I even need to point out that not only is that a fringe of fringe but a woman doing that shit would get off FAR EASIER than a man?

did you know that Romania-

Not America, you don’t get to use it.

but yeah, men are so horribly oppressed for suffering some issues that other men caused. you just sound stupid.

She says as she states several things that are fucking ILLEGAL in the culture she lives in, ignores the arguments made, continuously walks into walls making her argument, states several things that also apply to men, conflates leadership with men, thinks all women and all men have fucking hiveminds. outs herself as privilaged and in one case walked straight into an example of her group (radfems) causing suffering because a guy dared to do something.

All while ignoring the fact that by ignoring individuality and the fact that this shit is perpetuated by fringe men: she effective justified the alt right using fringe people from minority groups to push for their white ethnostate....which sounds a lot like what she proposes for gender.

*slow claps* congrats dumbass: you’re the alt right’s wet dream.

I guarantee you that any man who hates radical feminism — who hates & derides the ideas radical feminists put forth — hates women. - Radfem Meghan Murphy

[purplesurveys]

207

Can you remember the first survey that you ever took?  I don’t remember taking it but it’s permanently on the Internet on my old survey blog also on Tumblr. It was in 2012 and I was a completely sociopathic person back then...I can’t even do a then-and-now version of that first survey because my answers were dreadful as fuck. What did you spend the majority of the last night doing?  I took forever to answer one survey that I ended up finishing just now, and then I watched a new episode of my show. Have you ever had a particularly disturbing dream? About?  I have had a lot but the ones that’ve been most disturbing are the dreams that involve me or Gabie getting shot. There was one time last year that I had a streak of dreams, all of them about Gabie being shot different ways. Safe to say I often woke up heaving and crying and having to call her. What goes through your mind when someone threatens suicide?  I panic, honestly. I’m not necessarily the go-to person for suicide threats, being suicidal myself. It’s just going to cause me to be overwhelmed; but I will try my best to be instrumental in convincing them not to, of course. Have you ever expressed that you wanted to kill yourself?  Yes. [trigger warning] The worst of it was a few months ago when I let my closest friends know that I had everything planned out, all their questions answered, have my things designated for certain people. It had to take some pretty persistent and harsh convincing for me to finally change my mind.

Should gay marriage be legalized? What are your reasons?  As common sense dictates, yes. I doubt it will ever happen in the Philippines any time soon though as we have, for the longest time, been a Catholic, traditional, and conservative country. If the tides ever turned, it wouldn’t be for a long, long time, and with brutal opposition from the Catholic majority.

As for my reasons, I mean isn’t it simply so that everybody has equal rights in marriage? It’s more than ‘people can love who they love’–at the face of the law it’s really just so that everyone has the same opportunities when it comes to marrying the person that they’re with, deeming discrimination useless. Traditional people are a huge pain in my ass for this.

Would you ever consider getting an abortion, under any circumstances?  If the baby was already in such a debilitating condition even before birth that there is no chance of them surviving childhood, yes. I don’t know about other cases and I’ll only ever know about how I would react if the situation was already right in front of me. What do you think of people who get abortions?  I can’t make a blanket statement about something like that. Let’s just say I believe it needs to stay legal and available. < Yep especially to the first part. I always just say to myself that every woman had their reasons. What was the last bug you killed?  An annoying one that kept walking all over my laptop screen last night. Do you ever argue or debate with people about your beliefs?  At the most minimal level. I don’t really like getting into arguments nowadays, plus it’s really helpful that all of my friends have homogeneous beliefs when it comes to touchy topics in the country like politics, religion, sex, etc. If yes, when was the last time?  Probably at the dinner table a couple of months ago when my dad unfortunately started defending our perverted murderous fascist of a president. When was the last time you felt turned on?  Two weeks ago... :/ Didn’t see Gab at all last week so. When was the last time you felt disgusted with someone/something?  A couple of hours ago. I was reheating my pasta when I unconsciously drooled... Do you typically finish all the food you put on your plate?  Yes. Do you continue eating even when you are full?  I do that in buffet restaurants so I could get my money’s worth. What is the most wasteful thing that you do on a regular basis? Coming from a school that was really strict about staying green and eco-friendly, I’ve always been more conscious about the things I use and how not to waste them. What is one weird eating habit that you have?  I dip everything in mayonnaise so long as there is mayonnaise available. What is something other people tease you about?  My chest. It was annoying as a teenager but I don’t mind it at all now when they brutally roast me on my lack of a chest. Does it bother you to be teased about this?  No, because to be fair the jokes they make about it are funny :(( Would you rather suffer from anorexia or bulimia?  What the actual fuck. < This is the worst question.  What is the worst question a survey could ask you?  The previous one is one of them. Do you think it’s okay for a survey to ask if you’ve been raped? Why?  It always surprises me to see it, but I guess survey takers tend to overshare anyway so maybe it’s not too far out there. < Agree. It just becomes concerning to me when it becomes a trigger to some. Would you answer such a question honestly, if faced with it?  I always have. If you are a vegetarian, do you look down on people that eat meat?  I’m not a vegetarian, but I wouldn’t look down on omnivores if I ever converted since I ate meat once too... Why do you think some vegetarians behave that way?  Dunno. Maybe because they’re overly proud and believe they’re on a whole other higher level that they were able to get over meat, something most people love to eat and live on. Kind of the same case with some straight-edge people who get very preachy about drinking, because a lot of people drink for fun and for socializing. At the end of the day I think it’s sometimes about the human tendency to think they are cool because they aren’t doing something popular haha but idk that’s just how I see it. Some vegetarians lay out respectable arguments and knowledge though; that I have no problem with. If you eat meat, what do you tend to think of vegetarians/vegans?  I have loads of respect for them for living such a lifestyle that takes lots of restraint and willpower at first. I like their dedication, especially if they are doing it for ethical reasons. I know I would have a reeeeally difficult time trying to change my entire diet, which I’m planning to do once I’m capable of sustaining myself. If you paint your nails, what color do you generally choose?  I don’t know. A nice shade of dark pink would be nice though. If you could spend a day as the opposite gender, what would you do?  Get a boner, masturbate, hahahahahahahahahaha. What are some good things about your gender?  We are generally more caring and warmer. I also like the fact that we are emotional, since it helps build relationships more. Most of the women I know are empathetic too, which I admire. What are some of the downsides?  Women love tearing women down. It has always baffled me. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to start life over?  Yes. Sounds perfect to me. What might you do differently?  The better situation would be if I lived a different life altogether, and not starting the same life over. All of the horrible things that happened in my childhood were not my doing and thus it would be pointless if I just had to relive another decade in a house that didn’t help my well-being at all. If you could spend a year living in a foreign country, which would it be?  South Korea. Why did you make this particular choice?  Just because I’m biased. And I’ve watched too many Korean programs to know how to survive there at the most basic level. What is the next big event you have planned, if any?  Not really an event and definitely not something I planned, but I’m going on a field trip to Pampanga with my art studies class this Saturday. What do you do to entertain yourself on long car rides?  A good playlist would help tons. I don’t like talking to my family so that’s useless. Occasionally I would bring my own movies to watch, but there are times that I get dizzy more easily than usual. What do you say to someone who is annoying you?  I don’t usually waste my time talking to them. How do you let someone know you don’t like them?  I don’t talk to them in the first place. If that can’t be avoided, I’m usually able to keep it civil until they do something that’d piss me off. When was the last time you felt insecure? What happened?  Last night. I don’t really want to go into detail about it. How did/do you feel about learning to drive? Who taught you?  I was scared and heavily convinced at first that I would never learn and never get past driving inside my village. My dad taught me, but eventually I got enrolled in driving school, where he paid for only three days’s worth of lessons. What do you think of people that like the Twilight series?  I think that we ought to talk about it together heh. I don’t like the crazy fans though, if they still exist these days. What do you think of using lyrics to express how you feel?  I have no problem with it. I use that on Twitter sometimes; coping becomes easier that way. Do you prefer profile pictures by yourself of with someone else? It doesn’t matter, whatever just looks best at that time. When’s the last time you had Sunny D? I don’t know what that is. Is there anything hot pink within five feet of you? My notebook. Have you ever told someone you hated them and meant it? Nope. I said it to my siblings as a kid but obviously those weren’t meant. I’ve never said those words to someone in this age. Do you and your friends ever make up ‘code names’ for people? We did that in fifth grade for our crushes. Would you rather go out to breakfast, lunch or dinner? Dinner. Do you know how to work a barbecue? I don’t. Do you find it rude when people text when they’re talking to you? It’s the worst. I always, always put my phone away when talking with someone. What would you do if the last person you spoke to on the phone asked you to marry them? Yes, but get back to me in like eight years. What’s the longest you’ve ever been out of your state/province? A week and a few days. Do you know anyone who has written a book? Yep, my professors. Would you rather have eggs or waffles for breakfast? Waffles. I love eggs equally, but that’s what I have all the time so it’d be nice for a change. How many people could you fit (standing up) in your kitchen? It starts to get cramped by the time 20 people are there. How long would it take to walk to the nearest McDonald’s? Right now? It’s probably a 30-minute walk. Does your best friend have any pets? Yes, they both have dogs. Is there something that happened to you ages ago but seems like only yesterday? Yuh. A kid never forgets seeing their relatives in a drunken stupor every night. Where would you go if you wanted a fake ID? I don’t know any resources. I’m too honest to have my own made :// What would you do if the last person you laughed with dated your best friend? “Duuuuude. Why?” Who’s the last person you shot a dirty look to? Not a person, it was a stupid 10-wheeler. What was your second to last conversation about? Forgot. I haven’t opened my mouth to talk for a while now. Do you drink milk/juice from the carton if no one is around? [continued from a few days ago] No. Mostly because of an incident when I was a kid - I drank milk from the carton once and it turned out to be spoiled. Never tried it again. Do you know anyone who broke a limb from being in a car accident? No, but they broke their nose. Have you ever burned a photo of you and a person you were angry with? OMG no, that’s super theatrical though hahaha. Would you prefer working at a grocery store or an ice cream parlor? Why? I guess an ice cream parlor. It seems more chill and I like dealing with kids anyway. The grocery is always filled with rude old people. Has anyone ever told you they liked you in a realllly sweet way? Yes. Is there any ice cream in your house right now? What kind? We do have a tub of cookies and cream ice cream in the ref. What’s the best part of sleepovers? All the stories that come out of them. What’s the most comfy thing to sleep in? A blanket. Does the last person who sent you a message online wear makeup? Dunno, maybe? I don’t know her all that well yet. Would you rather have an overly cheerful cashier, or a completely silent one? Cheerful. It does wonders to my day. Do you cry at weddings? No...I was a kid for most of the weddings I’ve been to so it was just me waiting for it to be over. Still, at this age I still don’t think I would cry. Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night frequently? Yeah. I just wake up. Do you bring pillows on road trips? We already have pillows in the car so that we don’t have to take out the ones from the house.  What’s the most important thing for a road trip? For me, cellphone signal. I always want to be talking to my girlfriend when I go somewhere far away. Has a member of the opposite sex ever given you jewlery? No. Do you like camping, or would you rather stay home? Camping if it’s with a bunch of people I love and only if it’s well-planned. Other than that, I would rather be home. Do you know anyone whose name is your middle name? I have never met anyone with the same maiden name. Do you think Super Bad was as funny as everyone said? I haven’t even seen it. If you wanted a hamburger right now, where would you go? Burger King just across our village. What about a new pair of shoes? There’s a place called Just Things but their prices are outrageous, so I’d rather go somewhere a little farther but is more affordable, The Playground. Do you find sleeping in cars easy? That’s only posisble if I’m too tired. Usually I’m unable to. How long would your hair be if you cut off eight inches? My hair might just reach the tip of my head then... Would you do that? I’d rather fully shave my head than have an awkward chunk sitting at its tip. Have you ever woke up with someone you didn’t know next to you? Nope. Has a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s parents ever gotten mad at you? Why? No. I’d never want to do anything that would piss them off...quite the contrary. I would do everything they asked me to and more. Her mom has told me she loves me. Her dad is less affectionate but clearly approves of me. Have you ever been friends with a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s siblings? I was closer to them when they were younger. They’re now teenagers so they’ve been more shy around me these days, but I love them and am always working on getting closer to them. Who’s the last person you told to shut up? Probably my sister. Do you know who Blair Waldorf is? Only because of the media and my friends. Do you own any hot pink clothes? Nope.

[bullshitfromanidlemind-blog]

A Question

I am writing this article as an outrage to the frequent rapes happening in our country. People are getting used to such headlines nowadays. But every time I read about a rape, be it in the capital or somewhere else, my blood boils. A country is a failed state if half of the population [not half exactly thanks to female infanticide and obsession towards a boy child] doesn’t feel safe after dusk. People are rather interested saving cows instead which could be a personal preference but we need to set our priorities right. We panic when our mothers, sisters, wives, girl friends are late returning from work or don’t pick up our calls especially when it’s at night. We try to drop them and pick them up from places because deep down we have this fear “what if something happens”. As a result we don’t try to solve the problem, rather we try to bypass it by putting restriction on women because we are “concerned” and it’s for “their safety”. But whom are we fooling? Is it really the solution? Why should they live in fear and restrictions just because some people could not educate their children right? What’s their fault? And what kind of education teaches that “the best way to teach a girl a lesson is either raping her or throwing acid on her as in to ruin her life forever to summarize. People are not born rapists. But then why girls feel safe in bikinis in the western countries that lack "culture” and don’t feel safe in our “ancient cultured” country even if they roam around in a burqa?

It’s a no-brainer that there must be something wrong with us. And yes, the reason is the way our society is today. It’s not a single reason but a product of multiple reasons which makes the country a mass producer of rapists and molesters. And I am not talking about any specific area of the country or any specific section of the society. From north to south, from rich to poor, from a teenager to a person in his sixties, problem lies everywhere. Let’s talk about few of them.

Equal rights for women, not: this topic creates thunders in everlasting debates. The question is simple, “do women get equal facilities as men do in our country?” Every time we see two parties with some cliché points. One party will say feminism is redundant nowadays why because women get ladies seats in trains/buses [they don’t forget to thank ac Volvo buses for not doing such discrimination], free entry [sometimes free drinks as well, can you imagine?] in pubs and public support in a public argument. So for them it’s sorted, what else do you need to live? Another party which is also known as “the Feminazis” will start taking examples since the beginning of time and discuss the oppression on women and after sometime totally deviate from the topic and it becomes point blank male bashing. Then the first party will say “yeah you say equality, but why men always have to pay the bill? Why men are judged if they cry? Why should we only lift the paani wala can?” and many more irrelevant questions. Then the first party will say “men are biologically stronger but that doesn’t mean they are superior” and it’ll go on and on. Then comes the third kind, the enlightened ones who will conclude the debate saying things either like “don’t respect a gender, respect a human being” or “women should not compete with men cause they are already superior” or “you are wrong, it’s not about who’s ahead, it’s about if they are moving together side by side”. But after the long discussion the main question remains unanswered. And the real answer is kind of tricky. Yes we are a civilization who worships women as goddesses [I am not going into religion cause that’s the different topic altogether], we had Rani Laxmi Bai then, we have Sushma Swaraj now but originally the condition of women rights in India is like money. A lot is there but not accessible to majority specially when in need, feminism is there but it empowers the empowered. So the answer is no, women don’t have equal rights, majority have less and a minority have more rights than men do. 

That is how things are: the phrase which is fed to us whenever our culture had to force something which is logically inexplicable, for example, the image of an ideal Indian woman. She should be polite, she should cover her body n sometimes face as well, she should respect elders no matter what, she should obey her father/husband [whichever male master she’s assigned to cause man leads and woman follows], she should not answer back, she’s the primary caretaker of the house and kids and career should always be a second priority. Of course there are exceptions and they are increasing with time but for majority there is infinite number of unwritten rules. And the sad part is majority follow these rules else the society will judge them or some aunty will come with her moral policing. It’s there is all levels of the society be it poor or rich, be it educated urban society or orthodox rural ones. And the reason is “that is how things are”. That’s why in villages girls get sasural training instead of education to get married off ASAP, people gossip about how the new girl got promoted and they did not cause she worked hard in boss’s cabin on her knees in some MNC, the newly married bride has to leave her job/studies and ambitions cause that’s how a happy family works. But this has to end someday. Just because women tolerate all silently, people get used to it. Then if some lady argues with a man with raised voice, people turn their heads and start judging her. Same suggestions are taken on different priority based on whether it’s coming from a man or a woman because the general assumption is “ladkiya toh dumb hoti hai yaar”/“abbe uski kya aukaad hai”. But what is the factor that creates this assumption. 

Happy family: It happens because in India a happy family means where women keep sacrificing. A boy sees his father always dominating his mother and beating at times. He sees her sister getting less privileges and priorities generally because he’s a boy. When he cries father says don’t cry like a girl, be a man. He thinks being like a girl is bad or equivalent to be weak. This thought gets embedded into his mind that girls are good but they are beneath me. When this boy grows up and goes out in the world. He sees girls coming from non-cliché families outperforming/ignoring him no matter how hard he tries. He takes this as humiliation, how can that petty girl dare to humiliate me? She needs to be taught a “lesson”! We all know what the possible lessons from this point are. 

Stop at the early stage, be pro-active: No one is born rapist, neither someone has the guts to rape someone at the first attempt. The reason rapists exist is the way we ignore the early signs of a potential rapist for which these sick people get away with a lot of small crimes and gather the courage to do bigger atrocities pushing their limits. We see or hear about events like, someone pulled a bra strap in some co-ed school, some neighbor boy harassed a girl cause he loved him[thanks to Bollywood], some child is molested by their elder brother or uncle, some middle aged uncle groped someone in a bus, some local hero molested a passerby and other numerous flavors eve-teasing and molestation where in most of the cases girls don’t speak up and even if they do, their parents suppress them fearing shame in the society and even if they speak up the male counterpart gets backed up by their family by saying things like “didn’t mean any harm”/“he’s just a kid”/“it’s a misunderstanding”/“your girl has issues”/“it was a mistake, please forgive and forget”. Events like these get the guts for someone to attempt a rape. 

We the volatile people: Another reason is people forget very easily. And media is to be blamed for that. In a hunt for new news headlines, they don’t draw closure to all the cases. We see new rape cases in the headlines on a daily basis but how many stories draw a conclusion? How many of the rapes reported are drawn to a closure? As a result, a person who is going for a candle march for Nirbhaya today forgets everything tomorrow and gets busy with Dream11 cause IPL is about to start. 

Sex? What is that: But why so many people especially in this part of the planet are driven towards touching a girl without her consent? Let’s face it, India is a sex starved country and the reason is our “cultured society”. Sex is treated like a taboo in our country and still we managed to be a country with second largest population [soon to be number 1 as you can’t force birth control norms like china over here because “democracy”]. Forget doing it, even talking about sex/condoms/even sanitary pads make people embarrassed. Since childhood we don’t get any awareness about sex just by the behavior of our elders around us we get the idea that sex is dirty and bad unless you are married. Once you get married, somehow you get a license to have sex. The biology teacher gets ashamed to take classes on reproduction, even prostitution is illegal here. People in their 30’s remain virgin and wait for their marriage to happen cause “culture”. But it’s not something you can hide or stop by not talking about it, it’s a biological need. This disrupted status quo between supply and demand makes people desperate to get some action. 

Iron cuts iron: Girls don’t go well with girls most of the time. I don’t understand the reason though. As we see around us women force restrictions on women all the time. Be it the neighbor aunty who gets judgmental when your clothes are not “sanskar compatible”, the same aunty who wants you to get married just after your college is over because “isko kaunsa prime minister banna hai”, the family members who are biased towards the boy child over the girl or the mother-in-law for whom “bahu” can’t work or study after marriage because that’s not how a “happy family” works but the “beti” can have ambitions. We can call them hypocrites in one word. But why does this happen? They went through the same system; they know the pain of being restricted all the time. Shouldn’t they let people live freely when the power is in their hand? Or is it some kind of anger which they couldn’t express when they were the victim in the story and later vent it out as revenge when they get the power? The way ragging thrives in hostels. I see girls demeaning themselves by telling boys “kya ladki jaisa ro rha hai?” or “mard bann” or “chudiyan pehen le” as if being a man is always better than being a woman. Mothers tell their daughters, “tu toh mera beta hai”, if she’s taking responsibilities. These people always keep this thought deep down in their mind that men are superior [because society embedded that into their minds and they can’t see beyond that] and try to compete with men whenever they get a chance. I see feminists with agendas like “ladko ko dikhana hai” or “ladko ko unki aukaad dikhani hai”. They always get obsessed with beating boys than improving themselves and by that they indirectly create a notion that girls are weaker in general, they somehow reached this state where they can challenge men. But you should pick your contender based on performance and not on gender. People ask for fast forward laws and courts for rape but that couldn’t happen because women are not united as a community. A lot of women take advantage of women rights which were introduced to help them. We see reports like girls trying to frame guys into fake “molestation/rape cases” to get lime light on social media or earn easy money by blackmailing, wives filing fake domestic violence cases to teach in-laws a lesson, even girls try to stop cars on highways asking for help and loot them when someone stops to help them out. Now think, if you tried to help someone and got looted by some gang, will you ever dare to stop your car next time seeing someone asking for help? Especially in north India people don’t dare to stop their cars thinking it could be a scam, people are not so inhuman to leave someone dying on the road but experiences have made them cautious. For the same reasons and numerous fake cases our penal code can’t make fast forward system for rape cases as it might be a fake one. 

It’s your fault: There are a large number of people who blame girls for getting raped. They say things like “she was drunk”/“she was wearing indecent clothes”/“she was roaming around alone in the night carelessly”/“she always hangs out with guys”. Let me get this clear, a rape/molestation is never the victim’s fault, be it a boy or a girl. We need to get out of this dumb notion. Rapes happen because some people believe it’s okay to have sex with a girl even if she is saying “no” because the usual reason we blame girls with for rape. Rapes happen because we couldn’t educate those sick bastards. Rapes happen because we couldn’t provide the safety to our women that they deserve. Then there are enlightened politicians who say things like “rapes happen because girls and boys meet freely”, what else do you expect? Separate countries for men and women? These thoughts are toxic, just because thoughts like these exist; we see different columns for boys and girls in co-ed schools. I mean c'mon, it’s a co-ed school, let them meet freely and understand each other. We are seeding difference at a grass-root level like this. 

Law and order: We have laws to deal with rape cases but sometimes they seem useless due to poor execution. At first half of the cases don’t result into an FIR because “what people will think?” The ones which get to the police stations don’t get enough priority all the time as police is busy taking bribes. At times people who go to the police station get humiliated with weird and out of context questions. If you look beyond metros and big cities, a lot of police stations and related nursing homes lack infrastructure to test and prove rapes before the substantial evidences fade away. On top of that our court proceedings make even snails look faster. A lot of people don’t have the time, money and patience to fight a case till closure and end up doing personal settlement by either taking some money or marrying off the victim with her rapist. Another issue is it’s bail-able [if you have money] until it’s proved in court which takes years. Sometimes rapists are below 18 and they get away with “warning and few months in the rehab” as juvenile but people don’t asses their sanity when they are released with anonymity. Yes, things are getting better slowly but we are light years behind of how it’s supposed to be. The law and order need reinforcements to address these issues.

So it is clear, that we have loads of issues and to overcome those is neither a short term job nor a one man job. We as a society need to evolve and spread awareness so that we don’t breed rapists and molesters unknowingly, don't treat women differently than men and treat a rapist the way he/she should be treated. But that’s a farfetched goal and we have real issues at present. What to do about them?

What to do: Well, this is 21st century where we can track ground activity from space. But with all these successful ISRO satellite launches, with all these eyes in the sky why aren’t we being able to save our women? Can’t we dedicate few satellites for our women? Just few “Geo Stationary” satellites to cover the entire country. We can make an app what can be easily installed in all phones [not only smart phones] which will have a “panic button”. When someone feels that their safety is being compromised can push that button. Immediately the location of the SIM card will go to a central server via that dedicated satellite so that people don’t have to rely on the availability of mobile networks. That server will pick that location in GPS and alert the nearby police station with specific GPS co ordinates. Even if the rapists throw the phone from some moving car, this whole process will happen in less than a minute giving police a real time data to come up with a legit search radius. The satellite can even be used to take photographs for evidences. A lot of tragedy can be avoided that way including other crimes as well. We should ask for such systems, we are the tax payers and should ask for money allocation during yearly budget for such system.

You can say writing an article and ranting about everything is very easy but to do something it takes courage. I will say if everyone did what they are capable of, our country would have been like heaven. But a change has to come from within ourselves and it always starts with an idea. I am not bragging but saying this so people don’t judge me as a “theoretical patriot”. I have taught English and Mathematics to slum kids for free, I have protested to save environment, I have fed hungry beggars, I have given gifts, food and clothes in charity, I even cleaned up dirty lakes, I don’t litter, pay taxes honestly as well. Maybe I am capable of doing more but I don’t have the money or resources to build such a system for sure else I would have done it already. I have a job and mouths to feed. I will request my friends to forward this to such an extent that it reaches people and government. I would love to work on such a project [who wouldn’t?]. If this changes the thought process of even a single person, my purpose to write this will be fulfilled. I believe in our country that it has the potential to bounce back. So the question is…will you support and forward this message? Hoping to see better days[“Acche Din”]….Jai Hind.

Kunal Dutta.

[brigdh]

Reading Wednesday

Color of Love by Anita Stansfield. A Victorian romance starring Amala, an Indian woman adopted by a white family and raised in England, and Henry, a white Englishman recently returned from India. I can't figure out how to talk about this book without spoilers, so if you really want to be surprised, skip the rest of the review. Otherwise I'm going to talk about everything right up until the very end. Despite their instant attraction and obvious suitability for one another, Amala refuses to marry Henry because she's unwilling to deal with the difficulties of an interracial marriage in their stuffy country town. She vows instead to be a stylish independent single woman like her aunt the world traveler, and insists that Henry move on and forget their relationship. Which he does – by marrying her (white, adopted) sister. Amala is at first dismayed, but the years pass and she settles happily into traveling around Europe and doing good. And then her sister develops cancer and calls her home. The sister has one last wish before she dies: for Amala and Henry to promise that they'll marry one another. It turns out that despite their efforts to keep their former relationship a secret, the sister has known all along and doesn't hold it against them. She dies, and Amala and Henry go through a lengthy grieving period, their healing impeded by their resentment against the sister for forcing the promise out of them. They only are able to move out of the mourning period when they finally acknowledge how angry they are at her. Amala realizes that her exposure to the greater world, as well as the inclusion of more Indian people in her life (via the presence of Henry's servants), has changed her attitude toward interracial marriages and she's now willing to marry Henry. Henry, though, now has to get over the fact that Amala broke his heart years ago when they first courted. But, of course, he eventually comes to see that he's still in to her, and they marry and live happily ever after. Whew. I have such mixed feelings about this book! On the one hand, Stansfield does a better job of handling the racism of the period than I honestly expected. She's fantastic at depicting how Amala's isolation from any other people of color has had lasting, detrimental effects on her self-image, confidence, and personality, even when no one is actively being mean to her. Stansfield also is sensitive to how privilege has blinded Amala's white family and Henry, leaving them unaware of much of what she deals with and prone to making mistakes despite having the very best of intentions. On the other hand, HENRY MARRIES AMALA'S SISTER WTF. And yet again Stansfield is so careful and gentle that it never comes off as the sister being fridged for the sake of advancing their relationship! In fact, the section of the sister's illness is probably longer and written with more detail than any other part of the book. There's even a gruesomely long death-scene, with last words and tears and medicine side-effects and doctor intervention and sleeplessness and a fucking death rattle for god's sake, that was almost certainly more realism than I have ever needed for a romance novel's angst. Not to mention the year of grief that comes afterward. I can't deny that this plot point was handled as well as possible, but I also can't get over the fact that this plot point exists in the first place. Now, all of this attention to detail and thoughtfulness might lead you to assume that at least the craft of writing is well done – pretty sentences, gorgeous descriptions, and so. Sadly this is not the case. In fact Stansfield has an odd habit of skipping entirely over things that really need to be on the page; everyone knows 'show don't tell', but this is the worst case of it I've ever seen. For example, this is the first conversation Henry and Amala ever share, immediately after meeting one another: She was glad when he began to talk about the things he’d loved about living in India, as opposed to asking her questions about her own memories. He also talked of the things he’d hated—most specifically the heat and the bugs. She enjoyed listening to every word that came out of his mouth, until the sense of how much time had passed shocked her to her feet. No actual lines of dialogue from the conversation that will prove pivotal to drawing them together! We don't actually get to see these characters fall in love, how they talk to one another, what attracts them! This is basic Romance Novel 101, people: show how the love happens! For another example: Finally, Amala found the courage to break the wax seal and unfold the letter. She had to move closer to the light in order to more clearly see what was written. At a quick glance she was able to see that the letter began with My Dearest Amala, and that it ended some pages later with, All the love my heart possesses, Henry. The problem was that in between was such a beautifully detailed expression of his devotion that Amala kept having to dab at her eyes to keep her vision from blurring so that she could continue reading. When they had spoken in the garden, she had told him plainly and clearly where she had to stand on the matter of their attraction to one another, but she was now reading a genuine and sincere rebuttal to her every argument. It became evident through his words that he knew a great deal more about the issues of prejudice behind her motives than she’d given him credit for. He declared his firm belief that no matter what governments or society might try to dictate in this world, God surely saw all of His children equally, and that in God’s eyes, surely they could find a way to be right with this. Amala was completely taken off guard by how much her resolve had melted by the time she finished reading the letter, and after she’d read it through a second time, she was filled with doubt and confusion over matters that had previously seemed completely clear. One might assume that with such a plot-important and emotional letter, we'd get to read it ourselves, right? No. Those two phrases up there are literally all the reader gets to see of the letter. Similar problems happen throughout the book, though they're more common in the early pages. I suppose with a novel that covers as many years and has as many plot twists as this one, it's got to be forgiven for skimming over some of the details. But then again, it's the details that I most wanted to read! I read this as an ARC via NetGalley. The Age of Comfort: When Paris Discovered Casual – And the Modern World Began by Joan DeJean. The premise of this book is that during a single century (1670-1765) in France, many of the things we consider basic to life were invented or came into use: cotton clothing, clothing designs with the emphasis placed on comfort as opposed to imposing court dress, sofas, armchairs, bedrooms and bathrooms as separate rooms instead of one corner of a grand hall, flush toilets and running water, large paned windows to let in light, nightstands and writing desks, hardwood floors, and more. Part of this was a reaction to the grand magnificence of Versailles – after a day in a boned bodice that wouldn't let you sit down, surrounded by strict rules of etiquette, who wouldn't want to relax in cozy privacy? Another part was simply a consequence of the historic moment: increased trade with India, a newly rich merchant class eager to commission their own architect-designed houses, increased technology in various crafts, Enlightenment philosophers coming up with new ideas for improving "the art of living". It's a fascinating argument, to show how all these disparate things are linked, and DeJean makes her case very well, though I don't know enough about it to say if she missed anything obvious. DeJean has a entertaining, breezy style that makes the book more fun to read than you might suspect. For example: From the start (and the stories about [the Marquise de Pompadour] started right away), her biographers agreed that she set her cap for the king, having been encouraged to believe since childhood that she was somehow destined to become his mistress. (Her will contains a curious, and curiously touching, bequest of six hundred livres to "Madame Lebon for having foretold when she was nine years old that she would one day become the king's mistress"). Describing newly curved seating: And for "those who write" and therefore "spend long periods" leaning forward, [Roubo, a furniture designer] shows how the seat's curves could be adapted to this particular distribution of body weight and thereby help writers "resist fatigue". (I only wish someone would think like this today.) Describing an early toilet: Since it was not hooked up to waste piping, it's hard to imagine how well it performed its function. (In the fixtures he created for Pompadour, Migeon did at least use a wood then new to France, mahogany, because of its odor-resistant properties.) It's a surprisingly quick, easy read, with lots of illustrations and a really intriguing central premise. I recommend it if you have the least interest in the origins of mundane things. The Furthest Station by Ben Aaronovitch. YES I GOT TO READ THE NEW RIVERS OF LONDON NOVELLA EARLY! :D :D :D In this fairly short and light story, ghosts are harassing morning commuters on the Tube, and Peter has been deputized to put a stop to it. Abigail is a major character, with Jaget and Toby playing important supporting roles along with Nightingale and Molly. Pretty much no one else appears, unfortunately, though that's what happens when you only have 144 pages to fill. I was so glad to see more of Abigail, who is totally my favorite part of this novella, and I love how her role is developing: her Latin (now better than Peter's), her odd relationship with foxes, her pseudo-job as the Folly's intern, and of course the question looming ever closer: how to (or if to) teach her magic. A subplot about a new river is adorable, and I can't wait to see where it goes in the future. The writing is, as always, funny and clever and full of odd little facts about architecture and history, with a few moments of surprising emotion. I absolutely love the way the mystery developed – which is why I'm trying not to spoil it here – but my one complaint with the book is that I wish there'd been just a little bit more resolution at the end. I wanted that last thread tied up, even if it is probably more realistic to leave a few dangling. And again: only 144 pages. Overall it's a charming and memorable story, even if it doesn't advance the series's overall plot arc any. Highly recommended, though I'm sure all the Rivers of London fans plan to read it already. :D I'm not sure how well it would work as an introduction to the series – on the one hand, there is that fairly small cast, but on the other there's plenty of unexplained backstory and worldbuilding. It could go either way, I suppose. But if you're not familiar with Rivers of London, get on that! I read this as an ARC via NetGalley.

(DW link for easier commenting)

[growup-gloup]

@cat-rinnie​ replied:

Do you think at a certain point, love becomes a choice and not a feeling? I'm not really sure about this, but I think love always comes as a feeling first? If you don't love someone in the same romantic sense, then is it still romantic love or is it something else? I'm not sure tbh because I have no experience

Keep in mind that this is my perspective only. It is by no means right or wrong, it’s just another way of understanding what love is.

My argument in the original post was that love DOES become a choice. You are the most attracted to someone in the first couple weeks of your relationship. That’s due to hormones and the fact that everything is new and appealing. That feeling fades away after a while, but that doesn’t mean you don’t like them anymore. 

As you learn new things about this person, you find new things about them to love. When I say it’s a choice, I don’t necessarily mean that they consciously think to themselves, “yes I choose to love this person”. But it’s no longer just about feelings. This is also a time where people tend to wean off a bit on the physical aspect of their relationship whereas others are finally ready to take things to the next step, which is a very driving factor in early attraction, and now you’re more likely to focus on other things, which are equally or more important. 

This can also be a bad thing, which is why some victims stay with toxic people, because while the feeling of adoration has worn off, they are not conscious of their choice in the matter, but they will still choose to stay because their abuser has “nice” days and what not. That is the choice they make to continue to love them. It takes a while for them to realize that this is not a good relationship, and then they have to make the active choice of falling out of love and leaving.

As for the nature of love, I think love is a lot more complex than the categories we’ve given it. What if you fall in love with your childhood best friend. You still talk and hang out like you always did but now you get to make out with them too. Where do you draw the line between platonic and romantic? Alternatively, you don’t enter a relationship with them, but you have a friends-with-benefits situation with them now. Does that mean you love them any less than if you were dating them?

Also, what if the two of you stay platonic but you’ve been super close with them for years you can’t even imagine life without them, but now you’re in a committed relationship with someone else and you want to marry them. Does one of those love outweigh the other love simply because one is platonic and one is romantic? And flipping the previous example around, say you meet someone today and start dating them right away, and marry them five years down the road. Between now and then, wouldn’t you have to become good friends with them along the way? Can you marry someone that you can’t talk to like a friend?

And then there’s marriage itself. Some people are actively choosing to not get married anymore even if they’ve been in a committed relationship for over a decade, while others will marry someone they have no romantic interactions with. I’ve joked with friends that if we’re both single by 40, we’ll marry each other. Some marry for some form of legal or financial reason and they don’t even LIKE each other, much less love each other. So how can we count marriage as a milestone of love?

Then we also have to consider forms of love that aren’t considered mainstream, like polyamory. In that, there are more of active, conscious, choices of love compared to a monogamous one. You can’t just base it off of attraction and hope it works in the long term, because now more people have to be on the same page. And if you’re aro-ace, does that mean you’re incapable of love? Plenty of aro-ace people will say otherwise, and justifiably so.

Furthermore, we’re used to the western displays of love. In some countries, kissing your friends is completely acceptable whereas in other countries, that is something you reserve for your romantic partner. Again, is the friendship in one country more valuable than the other? Sometimes, a person is just physically affectionate. You can kiss babies, your parents, your friends, and your partner(s). Others would really rather not show, or be shown, affection in that matter and would instead prefer to say “I love you”. Does that person love their loved ones any less than the person who kisses everyone who lets them? If you say I love you to your friends, is that any less significant than saying it to your lover, versus saying it to a family member?

I cannot tell you how to love any more than you can tell me how to love. But I don’t think the different forms of love have to be mutually exclusive. Love is love, it’s just shown differently in one relationship compared to another. That relationship can be between friends or between lovers, and those aren’t even your only options. Your relationship with all your friends aren’t identical. Similarly, as you date more people, your relationships with them will be different from one another as well. Attraction is something else, but like I said, that fades after a while, and you’re either left with love, or indifference. 

 💋

What does it mean to "be with someone you want to grow with, not someone you want to change"? Often times, we can't find partners who are everything we want, so we compromise. Wouldn't you always want to change bad behavior if it's present? How do I know if someone is worth growing with?

You can’t change someone’s bad traits unless they’re willing to change it themself. And even then, they have to put in most of the work while you offer support. If they’re comfortable with a trait that you can’t stand, then it’s going to cause issues for you in the future, even if everything else about them is great. 

When someone says to be with someone you want to grow with, it means that yes, you both have bad traits, yes you’re both acknowledging it and are willing to work on it, and yes, you’re going to support each other in overcoming such things. It also means that you are happy with who they are as it is, and you’ll make the active choice of loving them every day as you both grow over time. 

People are dynamic. You’re not the same person you were yesterday, and you are not the same person that you will be tomorrow. The same goes for them. And love and desire are fickle things. People say that you can’t help who you fall in love with, and that may be true in the beginning, but over time, that spark of attraction that was caused by circumstances and hormones begins to fade away. That’s when we move on from the honeymoon phase and onto the next phase. 

What happens at that point is that people subconsciously realize that they don’t love the person like they did at the start of their relationships, and slowly, that’s when most relationships fall apart or one of the partners starts considering someone else or cheating. That’s why, after they honeymoon phase, love becomes a choice, not a feeling. 

What are you willing to do about the things you don’t like about them? They may be traits you didn’t mind in the beginning but now they get on your nerves. Are you still willing to overlook them and hope it doesn’t become a bigger issue? Do you want to bring it to their attention and discuss what can be done? Do you think it’s a tie breaker and it’s time to end the relationship? Do you want to find ways to accommodate that trait until it’s no longer an inconvenience?

Here’s a simple example: Say your partner never does the dishes. It really annoys you, and they’ll say they’ll do it, but they won’t. You have several ways of handling this issue. You could say that you can’t be with someone who can’t do the dishes, and break it off. You could tell them how you feel about when they don’t do the dishes and ask them to do it again, hoping that they will. You could give them a silent treatment until they get the hint and begrudgingly do it. You could just avoid conflict and do them yourself.

While some of these options are better than others, they are all still hindrances. It will likely continue to be a problem. This is not someone you can grow with. Now here’s your other option. You can ask them what’s stopping them from doing the dishes. Maybe the soap you use is irritating them. Maybe they just loathe doing the dishes to the point where they’d rather use disposable ones for the rest of their lives than wash a single dish. If you still want to be with them, you have to accept that they’re never going to do a dish. You can come up with a compromise where you’ll do all the dishes, but they have to do this one chore that you can’t stand, like cleaning the bathrooms for instance. 

Now, it takes two to tango, and the same applies to growing together. You have laid your cards on the table. You’ve shown how you’re willing to resolve this issue. Now it’s their turn. If they stop doing the dishes AND the bathrooms as well, then they are not on the same page about this relationship as you. This is someone you cannot grow with, and you supported them by finding alternatives to their issue, but like I said earlier, if they’re not willing to take the steps towards change themselves, you cannot change them. 

This is generally the time in a relationship where many people feel like it just can’t work anymore, while others pick up their partners slack. Either way, the love dies and now you’re just tolerating one another.

 💋

[lawfordigitalcreatives-blog]

this might be out of your range for the muslim ban questions but I heard that more than just muslims/arabs were being held back from coming back home and that, in action, the policy seems to be holding more ppl back than were originally targeted? is that something that could actually be true? how is any of this legal? and if it is as illegal as i think it is, how can it have even become a policy to begin with? I'm sorry, I still don't have the clearest concept of US laws/policies.

Part 2: also, one last question, if they confiscate your green card from you, is that legal and what does that mean in relation to your immigration status?

Thanks for the question! I think I’ll start with your broadest question first and then move to the more specific ones. So, here goes:

Is it a Muslim Ban? So let me start this answer by just laying out exactly what the Executive Order does: (1) for 90 days, it blocks all entry by foreign nationals from seven specified “high risk Arab” countries (though Somalia and Sudan are certainly not Arab and no immigrants, permanent residents, or refugees from any of these countries have committed a terror attack in the United States since 9/11 and even then, the 9/11 hijackers were from UAE [2], Egypt [1], Lebanon [1], and Saudi [15.] You may notice that none of those countries are on the travel ban list though. But, Trump and his team has made it clear for the entire campaign and even through some of his comments since the Inauguration, that the target of these laws are Muslims (Trump has even said priority will be given to Christian refugee applications once the program restarts.) But in the US, we don’t just look at whether a law is specifically discriminatory but whether there was discriminatory intent (which seems true here given the statements of the candidate) or discriminatory impact (which this absolutely has.) So, while the Executive Order does not call itself a Muslim Ban, its underlying intent and its impact seems to suggest that that is exactly what it is.

So, what that means for your question is that Christians and other non-Muslims can absolutely be blocked from entry if they are a refugee from anywhere or any kind of visitor from the seven countries. I have seen at least one story about a Christian Syrian refugee family being turned back en route to the US with visas in hand. While I think any religious test aspect of the order is horrific and unconstitutional enough on its own, let us not forget that also swept up in this morass are the Yazidi people of Syria, who ISIS has committed brutal and public genocide against, or the Kurds of Iraq and Syria who have fought on the American’s side against ISIS for years at great personal risk (and who cannot go to Turkey for safety where they are viewed as little more than insurgents themselves.) So, not only is Trump’s EO terrible, probably unconstitutional, and wildly mismanaged, but it is also inhumane in a way that should make everyone sick to their stomachs.

How is this legal? The long and the short of it is, it is probably not legal. Read this article by a well-respected Constitutional law scholar for a better explanation of why than I could give. But the larger question isn’t whether it’s legal really, but rather how an illegal policy like this could have gone through. Generally, the US system has a series of checks and balances that tries to block these illegal laws before they become law - whether in the Congress or the Senate, when the President does or doesn’t sign it, and then in the manner in which it is enforced by the agencies. But Trump’s Executive Order circumvented these “normal” checks … but the Judicial branch remains as the ultimate check on the Executive power, which is why those emergency restraining orders over the weekend were so important. And why I do not support judicial elections, but that’s a topic for another day.

Still confused about why an Executive Order is even a thing? Our Constitution gives certain powers to the Executive (mostly administering the laws that the legislative body passes) and some are given to the Executive exclusively, like negotiating with foreign powers and being Commander in Chief. So there are certain topics on which the President can act unilaterally on and Presidents have been doing it for years (Obama used Executive Orders to order Guantanamo closed [unsuccessfully] and to protect the DREAMERs [hopefully more successfully but who knows now.]) But Executive Orders still need to conform to the Constitution and existing federal law (Trump can’t change those with just his signature) and they are only in effect for as long as the Executive chooses to let them stay in effect, which is how Trump is reversing so many Obama policies. People on both sides of the aisle complain frequently about EOs…until it’s THEIR party’s President using it.

Green Card Confiscation: So, this is a bit more of a detailed question that I’m not as sure about, but my brief research suggests that it’s a bit like having your driver’s license confiscated when you borrow bowling shoes or paying bail when you get released pending trial; the intention is to make sure you come back/return the shoes or in this case, show up for whatever hearing they are having re: their status. It doesn’t invalidate their green card and Customs and Border control doesn’t have the authority to unilaterally revoke a green card.  

Due Process: There are a lot of benefits that come with having a green card, especially a permanent resident one and revoking a green card is not easily done. Before a permanent resident green card can be taken away (and possibly all of them as far as I know,) the holder is entitled to what US law calls “due process under the law.” In short, that means they are entitled to some form of hearing and review of any administrative decision to revoke their green card; again, Trump cannot simply circumvent due process (again, if our political system is working correctly, due process is a check on government’s power over the individual and was one of the central beliefs of the Founding Fathers and Enlightenment philosophers in general.)

TL;DR: Everyone form a prayer circle, séance, meditation, or just cross your fingers that Ruth Bader Ginsburg is actually immortal because SCOTUS (and the federal courts in general) may be the institution in our country most capable of resisting Trump’s agenda.

And yes, the law is probably illegal (lots of laws and policies have been passed and enforced for decades before the Court caught up an declared it unconstitutional … and sometimes things don’t become unconstitutional until society progresses and suddenly SCOTUS justices are talking about the Founder’s “intention” when it came to marriage equality of all things [if you sense some sarcasm in there, you are reading correctly, but the arguments between the progressive theory of the Constitution as a living document vs. the conservative obsession with the Founder’s intent is a discussion for another day.]

But, so, for Americans especially, we need to make sure that we are pushing the Senate to force the appointment of competent and independent judges throughout the federal judiciary system; we all tend to fixate on Supreme Court picks, and that’s fair, but sometimes the most important judges in the world are the Honorable Ann M. Donnelly (E.D.N.Y.) or Magistrate Judge Judith Dein (D. Mass.) (who is awesome by the way, I interned for her during law school and I learned more from her about how the justice system works and how it should work, but that’ s neither here nor there.)

Thanks for the question!

Anyone got any others?

[dixonministry]

If I Ruled The World

The world would be quite a bit different if I were its supreme dictator. Oh yes, I am in favor of a dictatorship, as long as that dictator is me! And here's how it would go. 

A few disclaimers before we begin: 1) Keep your expectations low when you read this. You won’t like everything I list but you won’t hate it all either. This is due to me being neither a liberal or a conservative solely but rather bits and pieces of each. 2) I am making this rant for my own entertainment and the entertainment of the few people who enjoy it when I rant. I am not making this in hopes of starting a debate on what is right or wrong, stupid or smart. If I sound like an idiot to you, cool. Let me sound like an idiot in peace! With that said, keep your lame ass argumentative comments out of my inbox. Thanks. Ok on with the rant!

First of all, I'd have to setup a single worldwide government. The current rulers of all current nations would become representatives of their respective countries on my World Senate. Of course, being a dictator I don't really need a Senate, but it's nice to have. As long as they know that anything they decide can get shit-canned by me, then it's all good. Not Bush though. And definitely not T.rump. I would pass a law that no-one in the Bush/T.rump family is ever allowed to enter politics ever again. I'd make 0bama the President again so he could be the American Senator, cuz I liked him.  It goes without saying that I'd first pass all sorts of Youth Rights laws. Every age-based law would be abolished and replaced by laws that actually make sense. For example, the driving age would get axed and be replaced by a more rigorous driving test. In fact, we have way too many stupid drivers out there as it is, so the WHOLE driving test would have to be retaken by everyone. I would bring back beheading as the favorite execution style. Lethal Injections are for pussies. What the fuck is scary about getting a shot that puts you to sleep? Fuck no, if you did something bad enough that you deserve to die, you're gonna lose your head, bitch! Murderers get the death penalty, period. No life imprisonments for assholes who kill people. You kill someone, you die, that's all. (Note: DP would however only occur with a substantial amount of concrete evidence) Rapists get the death penalty. If she said no, then it's NO, motherfucker.  If you beat your kids, you get put in chains in the middle of Times Square and people can pay $1 for one punch or kick. The beatings stop when someone draws blood (cuz we don't wanna kill your ass). On the 3rd offense, an angry mob gets to beat your ass into a coma. If you come out of it, your kids can decide whether you should live or die. If you molest a kid, whatever part of your body touched them gets painted with acid. Then you go to the chopping block! If you steal from someone, you lose your rights and freedom for 1 year and become your victim's endentured servant. On the 3rd offense, you will work until you have paid for 10 times the value of the item stolen or for 5 years, whichever comes first. Marijuana is legal in Salt’s World. It will be tightly regulated and heavily taxed, because if you're gonna be a pothead, you're gonna fucking pay for it. Growing your own shit or selling it without a license will be considered stealing from the government and you get the punishment for theft (see above). Drunk drivers get no chances. First offense of drunk driving means you lose your license for life, in theory. I say "in theory" because it will work sort of like a life sentence in prison works. You can be brought up for "parole" and a committee will assess whether you deserve to get your license back. Such assessments will occur once every 10 years. If you beat your wife, I annul your marriage and place a restraining order against you. I don't care if she gives me that brainwashed crying bullshit "but he loves me, he didn't mean it, really he doesn't abuse me." You hit her, you lose her, and that's final. I will have my government scientists figure out an alternative to abortion that everyone can live with. Preferably, I'd like to see us be able to remove an embryo and continue to grow it in a lab. People who're trying to adopt always want babies and they always have to wait years for one. Not anymore. Furthermore, it seems that adoption is frowned upon due to it being so difficult to get approved and those who do get approved have a predisposition for choosing pretty, white INFANTS. Under my control, a new process will be drawn up to make it not only easier to adopt regardless of sexuality, marital status, etc but make it so that people don’t get to “select” which child they want. First come, first given, end of story. If you really want a child, you wouldn’t be that gdamn picky anyway. If you don’t want your child, that’s fine and well. We will literally take it out of your stomach (same concept as aborting) and grow it for you. Real abortions will only be allowed if a health risk to either mother or child comes up. This is how I would attempt to find middle ground, a compromise if you will. My government will fund cloning research. I want to be able to clone stem cells and body parts. If this can be done, maybe sick and dying patients won't have to wait year after year for suitable donors. In a world where everyone is part of the same government, there's not much need for massive armies. A global police force will be instituted as the next step above Federal officers. So, it would go, local cops, state cops, federal cops, global cops. Without an army to feed, clothe, etc. a shitload of money would be freed up to make people's lives better. There won't be anymore fucking hunger in my world. Every single farm worldwide will be required by law to give 5% of their yearly output to the government for distribution to the poor. They will, of course, receive a humongous tax break for doing this and any farm that voluntarily gives in excess of 15% will pay no taxes at all. Yes, I know this will make the cost of food rise globally. Too bad. You pay a dollar more for your T-bone and you can just cry about it, but at least some little Ethiopian can have some fucking potatoes that night. And in retrospect, under my administration, the percentage of poor people in the world should lower dramatically if not disappear altogether if you play your cards right. But until this global shitshow is corrected, that’s what would have to happen. Medicine will no longer be big business. All wealthy citizens under my rule will see a tax increase, which will pay for everyone's healthcare. No more private insurance companies, it's going government-issue, baby! And, by the way, under my rule the words "government issue" won't be a synonym for "piss poor." No one should be groaning about this because the minimum wage will also see an increase to an actual living wage proportional to the cost of living that will make workers and their families happy and also boost consumer sales, thus increasing the profits of businesses everywhere. The lack of insurance plans employers now have to provide for their employees will free up some of that extra cash. We're dismantling nuclear weapons and using their radioactive components as fuel. What the fuck do we need nukes for when all the world is united under one government? I will pass a law stating once and for all that all sentient life on this planet is entitled to equal treatment and protection under the law and that no law may be passed which contradicts this. Gay marriage: Legal. If you file a stupid lawsuit, we throw you in jail for 3 months. This includes suing the tobacco industry when you're the one who lit up 50 times a day for 30 years, moron. You also can't sue because you're fat. Watch what you eat and exercise if it bothers you so much! I will force Microsoft, Apple, and all those Google people to work together and create "The Uber OS." It'll run Windows programs and Mac programs (all versions) and Google programs (all flavors). All the drivers will work interchangeably. They will all be told that if the OS ever crashes, they each lose a family member! Mwahahahahaha. (kidding obvs). Every citizen will be allowed to carry a sidearm, as long as the sidearm is worn in plain view (like the old west). Every citizen carrying a gun had better remember the price they'll pay for murder. Unless it's self defense or defense of another's life, don't pull that gun! Significant resources will be diverted to build subway systems. City-wide, State-wide, Nation-wide, and World-wide systems will be built. Any system that is Interstate or beyond must be supersonic. The World-wide system must reach speeds of Mach 2 or greater (don't try standing up on the train, bitch!). The purpose of this subway network will not only be to facilitate free travel across the globe, but also to provide countless millions of new jobs that should adequately handle our planet's homelessness and unemployment problems. I should've mentioned taxes earlier, but here it is. The worldwide tax brackets will be as follows: everyone making 10k or less will owe 12% (you can omit the extra 2% with a financial hardship exemption form but it should be noted that no full-time adult worker should be making that much under my leadership so this should be doable without a person’s quality of life taking a hit), everyone making between 10,001-99,999 will owe 15%, everyone making $100k-$200k will owe 30%. Everyone over 200k will owe 50%. Surely you don't think the money for all these great improvements is just gonna fall from the sky? Recycling will become mandatory. We throw away far too much shit. Why chop down a rainforest when there's enough paper in a city dump to fill a library 10 times over?! We will also have to become far less dependent on fossil fuels. I'll work out a timetable for eventually outlawing fossil fuels in favor of electric, solar, and nuclear power. Go back to that city dump and imagine how many atoms are sitting their going to waste when we could be smashing them and reaping the benefits. Prison overcrowding? No problem! Legalizing weed and making drugs a medical issue instead of a criminal one should take care of this problem for the most part and as for the rest, well, Antarctica is just sitting there not doing a damn thing, it's time we put it to use. Remember the penal colony "Rura Penthe" from Star Trek VI? Yup, it'll be something like that. No guard towers, no fence, nothing. If you wanna escape, go ahead. You'll just freeze to death, idiot. Otherwise, you'll stay right there in prison and serve out your sentence. Imagine how many new jobs a prison that size will create? And the cost of feeding them will be negligible. They'll have giant heated greenhouses for growing everything they eat. They don't work to grow it, they don't eat. In other words, a prison sentence means you serve your time as a farmer in the middle of frozen fucking nowhere. Jon Stewart will be appointed as my press secretary. At least all my press releases will have the whole world laughing their asses off. Minimum Wage will be increased to $12.50/hr. I think Ronald McDonald can afford to buy used overhauls for a while so that his employees don't have to shop at the Salvation Army. Corruption in government would be gone. No one is allowed to spend more than $500 on their election campaigns. They can put up a fucking website and do grassroots shit. That way there's no big corporate donations and shit to deal with. Plus, politicians are gonna become like preachers: We give them a place to live and a minimal salary, that's it. No big bucks, no fancy cars, nothing. It's not gonna be about the money. All the money we cut from politicians can go to teachers, cops, firemen, etc. Y'know, the government employees who actually fucking DO something worthwhile and give back to society. Pro Athletes get capped at $90,000/yr. None of this being a rich bastard because you play a fucking game. Maybe then, only people who LOVE the sport and DON'T corrupt it will find their way in. Just like with the politicians, when it's not about the money only people who actually give a fuck will want the job. Ninety grand a year is still a damn good salary. It's not like they'll be poor. The RIAA and MPAA will be told once and for all to shut the fuck up about Peer-to-Peer. They should've jumped on the bandwagon when it got rolling, now they can just suck it up. By the way, musicians and actors are capped at $60,000/yr. They can still have the royalties on their music, movies, concerts, commercial deals, etc. Wouldn't be fair to take that away from them. However, the industry will still be encouraged to develop better copyright protection methods so that all the true geeks can still enjoy the immense thrill of breaking a copyright protection scheme only days after it's implemented. They've gotta have something to do on a dateless Saturday night. Wouldn't want to rob them of that. We'll be having a government-sponsored betting pool on how long it takes the industry to figure out that copyright protection is fucking useless (they spend years developing some new state-of-the-art system and once it's released, a 13yo breaks it in 2 days... get a clue). SPAM will be made illegal! The punishment for spamming is 5 years in the Antarctic Prison Colony! I think that just about covers the basics. Of course, I could probably go on all fucking night with this shit, but if I kept going I'd never get this rant posted. Just know that there's like a billion more cool things I'd do. I might just have to make a sequel to this rant. Until then....... Salt for president 2020.  

[tinyandfearless]

I’m Sorry, My Sister.

I’ve been what I’ll refer to as a “half-minority” my entire life. My mother is Hispanic, born in Colombia. I have her dark features, but my father’s pale Irish skin. I’m often asked “where are you from? No, but, originally?” To which I respond, “Atlanta. Really, I was born here.” Then, there’s some commentary about my strong eyebrows or thick hair, a few laughs, but an awkwardness so tangible I bet you could slice it with a butter knife. I’m often lumped in with the phrasing “white people,” but I don’t want anyone to ignore the difference in my upbringing and my culture. My face still gets hot when someone slams a minority group or immigrants, even on accident. I am allowed to have a stake there, too. 

I was raised hearing “I grew up in a third world country; don’t you complain to me,” from a woman I would call a feminist. She started university at sixteen, earlier than most her age, and she moved to the United States by herself at eighteen. My mom tells it like it is. And she’ll tell you off; I’ve watched her do it. She speaks her mind. She speaks up. She’ll discuss her opinions openly, tell you when she thinks you’re wrong, and she freely offers advice. She mows the lawn. She rarely wears makeup because her skin is so rich and her eyes so captivating, she doesn’t need it. You wouldn’t be able to guess her age, until maybe she smiles her toothy smile, and the laugh lines on her face whisper to give it away. She was never afraid to kill the black widows that snuck onto our back porch, and she raised me to be fearless, too. Daringly fearless. Hopefully fearless. Lovingly fearless.

My point is, I know how to boldly, but uncomfortably sit on the lonely border of two things that, while seemingly polar, make up who I am.

I’m white, but also first generation American-born. I’m a feminist, I think. I’m a feminist, I hope. But I didn’t march.

So, let’s start there. I didn’t participate in the women’s march.

I didn’t decide not to march because I am opposed to the women’s march. I didn’t not march because I don’t think women’s issues are real, valid, and that progress needs to be made. I didn’t not march because I am not pro-women and longing for equality. 

I didn’t even think “I will not March,” before the fact. I enjoyed reading the posters. I found joy in friends’ posts about their positive experiences. Now, looking back and wondering, “why didn’t I march,” maybe I need to apologize. 

I’m sorry, sister; I didn’t know how.

I have never felt invited to the Modern Feminist Club. 

I love women cheering on women. I love when we choose not to compare ourselves to each other and champion each other instead. I love when we are heard, when we listen, when we feel, and then express those feelings.

It’s important to me that you know I care deeply about ending sex trafficking, which is a human rights issue, but affects mostly women. I believe fiercely in a future where everyone has access to clean water, so that women and children in developing nations can receive education and spend their time how they choose.

I have watched friends, who were victims of sexual assault, remain painfully silent, blaming themselves or shrugging off the incident because they didn’t want to “cause trouble.” I’ve hated the mindset and upbringing that lead to their assault. I want rapists to face the full extent of justice, not receive a slap on the wrist.

I am pro-contraceptives. I need birth control. I need it for my health, and I’ll go into the details of that that no one really wants to hear, but I think are important to the argument anyways. I’ve needed them long before I was married. I have endometriosis. I want to have kids some day, and I need to be healthy in order to do so. I also experience so much pain from an unfortunate hormone imbalance when I am not on birth control that I am physically debilitated two weeks out of every month. I can’t go to work. I can’t go to class. The benefit of being able to plan my eventual pregnancy is excellent. And I think that’s an important right.  

I’m also pro-life. I don’t want to tiptoe around that. I’m sorry if my saying so caused you to lose faith in me. I’m sorry if you’re disappointed. I don’t mean to argue with you or to even prove my point here. I just want to be able to be honest about what I believe, without feeling the need to hush up about certain topics. I am so tired of being villainized. I’m sick of feeling uninvited to the girl power parade. 

I’m not pro-life because I want women to suffer, as I once saw it phrased in a tumblr text post. I hurt for women who experience unplanned pregnancies. I’m so sorry if you have experienced that fear. I’m so sorry if you felt alone. I want to tell you that I do not know your pain, but I know it exists. I’m not ignoring you. I care for you. 

I simply believe life begins at conception. It’s central to my faith. And while I don’t want any woman to suffer, I don’t want any baby to die. That being said, I know it’s more complicated than “we’ll make it illegal and it’ll stop.” I know it is a deeply complicated topic, and I don’t believe people who are pro-choice because they care about the mothers of unplanned babies are evil. Please hear me, I do not think ill of you. I don’t agree with you, but you aren’t apathetic; I can see that you care and ultimately want to promote what you believe is right. So, while we disagree and it is an important issue to me, I will still stand by you, my sister.

I’m not sure when feminism began to seem synonymous with pro-choice or left wing or free-the-nipple or a political stance. I’m conservative. I’m religious. But please don’t place me in a hard and fast category in your mind, as if you have me all figured out. I still believe sex ed is important. I still want equal pay for the woman who does the exact same job as a man who is favored more. Just so we’re clear, feminists before me were women of faith, too. Women like Harriet Tubman, Ida B Wells, and Maria Stewart, who paved the way for the rest of us, were women who hoped to be close with women and close to the heart of God, too. 

My favorite feminist quote comes from Ann Voskamp. “Girl, the world has enough women who know how to do their hair; it needs women who know how to do hard and holy things.” Those words rattle my bones; I want to be a doer of hard and holy things. I want to understand my sisters, rather than judge them. I want to stand up for those unlike me, not simply promote one way of life as best or above. I want to rally behind you and hold a sign that empowers you. And I want to march the earth, every day, standing tall and asking for respect. I’m powerful. My voice matters. 

But if my feminism looks different than yours, if my personal feminism promotes dignity through modesty and a traditional interpretation of biblical marriage, can I still sit at your table? I feel lonely and “shh”ed. And there are more like me, I know there are, but I’m worried that we are so scared to speak up that we’re walking right by each other. We walk the tightrope border of conservatism and feminism, and I don’t want to be silent anymore. Maybe I’ll receive backlash. Maybe your questions and my answers will create that same awkward tension I’m used to as a half-minority. But if feminism is being bold, sharing my ideas, and reaping the consequences with a straight back, here I am. 

I’ll dare to say it. Ladies, we will not bring about equality by sticking up for ourselves and those like us; we will bring about equality by loving all our many, different neighbors.

[zainapbaraketcaryl]

President Obama’s farewell speech

To the speech...

OBAMA: Hello Skybrook!

(APPLAUSE)

It's good to be home!

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you, everybody!

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you so much, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

It's good to be home.

Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

We're on live TV here, I've got to move.

(APPLAUSE)

You can tell that I'm a lame duck, because nobody is following instructions.

(LAUGHTER)

Everybody have a seat.

My fellow Americans, Michelle and I have been so touched by all the well-wishes that we've received over the past few weeks. But tonight it's my turn to say thanks.

Whether we have seen eye-to-eye or rarely agreed at all, my conversations with you, the American people -- in living rooms and in schools; at farms and on factory floors; at diners and on distant military outposts -- those conversations are what have kept me honest, and kept me inspired, and kept me going. And every day, I have learned from you. You made me a better president, and you made me a better man.

So I first came to Chicago when I was in my early twenties, and I was still trying to figure out who I was; still searching for a purpose to my life. And it was a neighborhood not far from here where I began working with church groups in the shadows of closed steel mills.

It was on these streets where I witnessed the power of faith, and the quiet dignity of working people in the face of struggle and loss.

(CROWD CHANTING "FOUR MORE YEARS")

I can't do that.

Now this is where I learned that change only happens when ordinary people get involved, and they get engaged, and they come together to demand it.

Examining the underbelly of Regency LondonThe British capital was the height of sophistication in the early 1800s. But it was also full of secrets and decadence.

After eight years as your president, I still believe that. And it's not just my belief. It's the beating heart of our American idea -- our bold experiment in self-government.

It's the conviction that we are all created equal, endowed by our creator with certain unalienable rights, among them life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It's the insistence that these rights, while self-evident, have never been self-executing; that We, the People, through the instrument of our democracy, can form a more perfect union.

What a radical idea, the great gift that our Founders gave to us. The freedom to chase our individual dreams through our sweat, and toil, and imagination -- and the imperative to strive together as well, to achieve a common good, a greater good.

For 240 years, our nation's call to citizenship has given work and purpose to each new generation. It's what led patriots to choose republic over tyranny, pioneers to trek west, slaves to brave that makeshift railroad to freedom.

It's what pulled immigrants and refugees across oceans and the Rio Grande. It's what pushed women to reach for the ballot. It's what powered workers to organize. It's why GIs gave their lives at Omaha Beach and Iwo Jima; Iraq and Afghanistan -- and why men and women from Selma to Stonewall were prepared to give theirs as well.

(APPLAUSE)

So that's what we mean when we say America is exceptional. Not that our nation has been flawless from the start, but that we have shown the capacity to change, and make life better for those who follow.

Yes, our progress has been uneven. The work of democracy has always been hard. It has been contentious. Sometimes it has been bloody. For every two steps forward, it often feels we take one step back. But the long sweep of America has been defined by forward motion, a constant widening of our founding creed to embrace all, and not just some.

(APPLAUSE)

If I had told you eight years ago that America would reverse a great recession, reboot our auto industry, and unleash the longest stretch of job creation in our history -- if I had told you that we would open up a new chapter with the Cuban people, shut down Iran's nuclear weapons program without firing a shot, take out the mastermind of 9-11 -- if I had told you that we would win marriage equality and secure the right to health insurance for another 20 million of our fellow citizens -- if I had told you all that, you might have said our sights were set a little too high.

Was Regency London the height of elegance?On a surface level, of course. But there were also secrets, lies, and treachery beneath those glittering appearances.

But that's what we did. That's what you did. You were the change. The answer to people's hopes and, because of you, by almost every measure, America is a better, stronger place than it was when we started.

In 10 days the world will witness a hallmark of our democracy. No, no, no, no, no. The peaceful transfer of power from one freely-elected President to the next. I committed to President-Elect Trump that my administration would ensure the smoothest possible transition, just as President Bush did for me.

Because it's up to all of us to make sure our government can help us meet the many challenges we still face. We have what we need to do so. We have everything we need to meet those challenges. After all, we remain the wealthiest, most powerful, and most respected nation on earth.

Our youth, our drive, our diversity and openness, our boundless capacity for risk and reinvention means that the future should be ours. But that potential will only be realized if our democracy works. Only if our politics better reflects the decency of our people. Only if all of us, regardless of party affiliation or particular interests help restore the sense of common purpose that we so badly need right now.

And that's what I want to focus on tonight, the state of our democracy. Understand democracy does not require uniformity. Our founders argued, they quarreled, and eventually they compromised. They expected us to do the same. But they knew that democracy does require a basic sense of solidarity. The idea that, for all our outward differences, we're all in this together, that we rise or fall as one.

There have been moments throughout our history that threatened that solidarity. And the beginning of this century has been one of those times. A shrinking world, growing inequality, demographic change, and the specter of terrorism. These forces haven't just tested our security and our prosperity, but are testing our democracy as well. And how we meet these challenges to our democracy will determine our ability to educate our kids and create good jobs and protect our homeland.

In other words, it will determine our future. To begin with, our democracy won't work without a sense that everyone has economic opportunity.

(APPLAUSE)

And the good news is that today the economy is growing again. Wages, incomes, home values and retirement accounts are all rising again. Poverty is falling again.

(APPLAUSE)

The wealthy are paying a fair share of taxes. Even as the stock market shatters records, the unemployment rate is near a 10-year low. The uninsured rate has never, ever been lower.

(APPLAUSE)

Health care costs are rising at the slowest rate in 50 years. And I've said, and I mean it, anyone can put together a plan that is demonstrably better than the improvements we've made to our health care system, that covers as many people at less cost, I will publicly support it.

(APPLAUSE)

Because that, after all, is why we serve. Not to score points or take credit. But to make people's lives better.

(APPLAUSE)

But, for all the real progress that we've made, we know it's not enough. Our economy doesn't work as well or grow as fast when a few prosper at the expense of a growing middle class, and ladders for folks who want to get into the middle class.

(APPLAUSE)

That's the economic argument. But stark inequality is also corrosive to our democratic idea. While the top 1 percent has amassed a bigger share of wealth and income, too many of our families in inner cities and in rural counties have been left behind.

The laid off factory worker, the waitress or health care worker who's just barely getting by and struggling to pay the bills. Convinced that the game is fixed against them. That their government only serves the interest of the powerful. That's a recipe for more cynicism and polarization in our politics.

Now there're no quick fixes to this long-term trend. I agree, our trade should be fair and not just free. But the next wave of economic dislocations won't come from overseas. It will come from the relentless pace of automation that makes a lot of good middle class jobs obsolete.

And so we're going to have to forge a new social compact to guarantee all our kids the education they need.

(APPLAUSE)

To give workers the power...

(APPLAUSE)

... to unionize for better wages.

(CHEERS)

To update the social safety net to reflect the way we live now.

(APPLAUSE)

And make more reforms to the tax code so corporations and the individuals who reap the most from this new economy don't avoid their obligations to the country that's made their very success possible.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

We can argue about how to best achieve these goals. But we can't be complacent about the goals themselves. For if we don't create opportunity for all people, the disaffection and division that has stalled our progress will only sharpen in years to come.

There's a second threat to our democracy. And this one is as old as our nation itself.

After my election there was talk of a post-racial America. And such a vision, however well intended, was never realistic. Race remains a potent...

(APPLAUSE)

... and often divisive force in our society.

Now I've lived long enough to know that race relations are better than they were 10 or 20 or 30 years ago, no matter what some folks say.

(APPLAUSE)

You can see it not just in statistics. You see it in the attitudes of young Americans across the political spectrum. But we're not where we need to be. And all of us have more work to do.

(APPLAUSE)

If every economic issue is framed as a struggle between a hardworking white middle class and an undeserving minority, then workers of all shades are going to be left fighting for scraps while the wealthy withdraw further into their private enclaves.

(APPLAUSE)

If we're unwilling to invest in the children of immigrants, just because they don't look like us, we will diminish the prospects of our own children -- because those brown kids will represent a larger and larger share of America's workforce.

(APPLAUSE)

And we have shown that our economy doesn't have to be a zero-sum game. Last year, incomes rose for all races, all age groups, for men and for women.

So if we're going to be serious about race going forward, we need to uphold laws against discrimination -- in hiring, and in housing, and in education, and in the criminal justice system.

(APPLAUSE)

That is what our Constitution and highest ideals require.

But laws alone won't be enough. Hearts must change. It won't change overnight. Social attitudes oftentimes take generations to change. But if our democracy is to work the way it should in this increasingly diverse nation, then each one of us need to try to heed the advice of a great character in American fiction, Atticus Finch, who said "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

For blacks and other minority groups, that means tying our own very real struggles for justice to the challenges that a lot of people in this country face. Not only the refugee or the immigrant or the rural poor or the transgender American, but also the middle-aged white guy who from the outside may seem like he's got all the advantages, but has seen his world upended by economic, and cultural, and technological change.

We have to pay attention and listen.

(APPLAUSE)

For white Americans, it means acknowledging that the effects of slavery and Jim Crow didn't suddenly vanish in the '60s; that when minority groups voice discontent, they're not just engaging in reverse racism or practicing political correctness; when they wage peaceful protest, they're not demanding special treatment, but the equal treatment that our founders promised.

(APPLAUSE)

For native-born Americans, it means reminding ourselves that the stereotypes about immigrants today were said, almost word for word, about the Irish, and Italians, and Poles, who it was said were going to destroy the fundamental character of America. And as it turned out, America wasn't weakened by the presence of these newcomers; these newcomers embraced this nation's creed, and this nation was strengthened.

(APPLAUSE)

So regardless of the station we occupy; we all have to try harder; we all have to start with the premise that each of our fellow citizens loves this country just as much as we do; that they value hard work and family just like we do; that their children are just as curious and hopeful and worthy of love as our own.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

And that's not easy to do. For too many of us it's become safer to retreat into our own bubbles, whether in our neighborhoods, or on college campuses, or places of worship, or especially our social media feeds, surrounded by people who look like us and share the same political outlook and never challenge our assumptions. In the rise of naked partisanship and increasing economic and regional stratification, the splintering of our media into a channel for every taste, all this makes this great sorting seem natural, even inevitable.

And increasingly we become so secure in our bubbles that we start accepting only information, whether it's true or not, that fits our opinions, instead of basing our opinions on the evidence that is out there.

(APPLAUSE)

And this trend represents a third threat to our democracy. Look, politics is a battle of ideas. That's how our democracy was designed. In the course of a healthy debate, we prioritize different goals, and the different means of reaching them. But without some common baseline of facts, without a willingness to admit new information and concede that your opponent might be making a fair point, and that science and reason matter, then we're going to keep talking past each other.

(CROWD CHEERS)

And we'll make common ground and compromise impossible. And isn't that part of what so often makes politics dispiriting? How can elected officials rage about deficits when we propose to spend money on pre-school for kids, but not when we're cutting taxes for corporations?

How do we excuse ethical lapses in our own party, but pounce when the other party does the same thing? It's not just dishonest, it's selective sorting of the facts. It's self-defeating because, as my mom used to tell me, reality has a way of catching up with you.

Take the challenge of climate change. In just eight years we've halved our dependence on foreign oil, we've doubled our renewable energy, we've led the world to an agreement that (at) the promise to save this planet.

(APPLAUSE)

But without bolder action, our children won't have time to debate the existence of climate change. They'll be busy dealing with its effects. More environmental disasters, more economic disruptions, waves of climate refugees seeking sanctuary. Now we can and should argue about the best approach to solve the problem. But to simply deny the problem not only betrays future generations, it betrays the essential spirit of this country, the essential spirit of innovation and practical problem-solving that guided our founders.

(CROWD CHEERS)

It is that spirit -- it is that spirit born of the enlightenment that made us an economic powerhouse. The spirit that took flight at Kitty Hawk and Cape Canaveral, the spirit that cures disease and put a computer in every pocket, it's that spirit. A faith in reason and enterprise, and the primacy of right over might, that allowed us to resist the lure of fascism and tyranny during the Great Depression, that allowed us to build a post-World War II order with other democracies.

An order based not just on military power or national affiliations, but built on principles, the rule of law, human rights, freedom of religion and speech and assembly and an independent press.

(APPLAUSE)

That order is now being challenged. First by violent fanatics who claim to speak for Islam. More recently by autocrats in foreign capitals who seek free markets in open democracies and civil society itself as a threat to their power.

The peril each poses to our democracy is more far reaching than a car bomb or a missile. They represent the fear of change. The fear of people who look or speak or pray differently. A contempt for the rule of law that holds leaders accountable. An intolerance of dissent and free thought. A belief that the sword or the gun or the bomb or the propaganda machine is the ultimate arbiter of what's true and what's right.

Because of the extraordinary courage of our men and women in uniform. Because of our intelligence officers and law enforcement and diplomats who support our troops...

(APPLAUSE)

... no foreign terrorist organization has successfully planned and executed an attack on our homeland these past eight years.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

And although...

(APPLAUSE)

... Boston and Orlando and San Bernardino and Fort Hood remind us of how dangerous radicalization can be, our law enforcement agencies are more effective and vigilant than ever. We have taken out tens of thousands of terrorists, including Bin Laden.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

The global coalition we're leading against ISIL has taken out their leaders and taken away about half their territory. ISIL will be destroyed. And no one who threatens America will ever be safe.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

And all who serve or have served -- it has been the honor of my lifetime to be your commander-in-chief.

(CHEERS)

And we all owe you a deep debt of gratitude.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

But, protecting our way of life, that's not just the job of our military. Democracy can buckle when it gives into fear. So just as we as citizens must remain vigilant against external aggression, we must guard against a weakening of the values that make us who we are.

(APPLAUSE)

And that's why for the past eight years I've worked to put the fight against terrorism on a firmer legal footing. That's why we've ended torture, worked to close Gitmo, reformed our laws governing surveillance to protect privacy and civil liberties.

(APPLAUSE)

That's why I reject discrimination against Muslim Americans...

(CHEERS)

... who are just as patriotic as we are.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

That's why...

(APPLAUSE)

That's why we cannot withdraw...

(APPLAUSE)

That's why we cannot withdraw from big global fights to expand democracy and human rights and women's rights and LGBT rights.

(APPLAUSE)

No matter how imperfect our efforts, no matter how expedient ignoring such values may seem, that's part of defending America. For the fight against extremism and intolerance and sectarianism and chauvinism are of a piece with the fight against authoritarianism and nationalist aggression. If the scope of freedom and respect for the rule of law shrinks around the world, the likelihood of war within and between nations increases, and our own freedoms will eventually be threatened.

So let's be vigilant, but not afraid. ISIL will try to kill innocent people. But they cannot defeat America unless we betray our Constitution and our principles in the fight.

(APPLAUSE)

Rivals like Russia or China cannot match our influence around the world -- unless we give up what we stand for, and turn ourselves into just another big country that bullies smaller neighbors.

Which brings me to my final point -- our democracy is threatened whenever we take it for granted.

(APPLAUSE)

All of us, regardless of party, should be throwing ourselves into the task of rebuilding our democratic institutions.

(APPLAUSE)

When voting rates in America are some of the lowest among advanced democracies, we should be making it easier, not harder, to vote.

(APPLAUSE)

When trust in our institutions is low, we should reduce the corrosive influence of money in our politics, and insist on the principles of transparency and ethics in public service. When Congress is dysfunctional, we should draw our districts to encourage politicians to cater to common sense and not rigid extremes.

(APPLAUSE)

But remember, none of this happens on its own. All of this depends on our participation; on each of us accepting the responsibility of citizenship, regardless of which way the pendulum of power happens to be swinging.

Our Constitution is a remarkable, beautiful gift. But it's really just a piece of parchment. It has no power on its own. We, the people, give it power. We, the people, give it meaning -- with our participation, and with the choices that we make and the alliances that we forge.

Whether or not we stand up for our freedoms. Whether or not we respect and enforce the rule of law, that's up to us. America is no fragile thing. But the gains of our long journey to freedom are not assured.

In his own farewell address, George Washington wrote that self-government is the underpinning of our safety, prosperity, and liberty, but "from different causes and from different quarters much pains will be taken... to weaken in your minds the conviction of this truth."

And so we have to preserve this truth with "jealous anxiety;" that we should reject "the first dawning of every attempt to alienate any portion of our country from the rest or to enfeeble the sacred ties" that make us one.

(APPLAUSE)

America, we weaken those ties when we allow our political dialogue to become so corrosive that people of good character aren't even willing to enter into public service. So course with rancor that Americans with whom we disagree are seen, not just as misguided, but as malevolent. We weaken those ties when we define some of us as more American than others.

(APPLAUSE)

When we write off the whole system as inevitably corrupt. And when we sit back and blame the leaders we elect without examining our own role in electing them.

(CROWD CHEERS)

It falls to each of us to be those anxious, jealous guardians of our democracy. Embrace the joyous task we have been given to continually try to improve this great nation of ours because, for all our outward differences, we in fact all share the same proud type, the most important office in a democracy, citizen.

(APPLAUSE)

Citizen. So, you see, that's what our democracy demands. It needs you. Not just when there's an election, not just when you own narrow interest is at stake, but over the full span of a lifetime. If you're tired of arguing with strangers on the Internet, try talking with one of them in real life.

(APPLAUSE)

If something needs fixing, then lace up your shoes and do some organizing.

(CROWD CHEERS)

If you're disappointed by your elected officials, grab a clip board, get some signatures, and run for office yourself.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Show up, dive in, stay at it. Sometimes you'll win, sometimes you'll lose. Presuming a reservoir in goodness, that can be a risk. And there will be times when the process will disappoint you. But for those of us fortunate enough to have been part of this one and to see it up close, let me tell you, it can energize and inspire. And more often than not, your faith in America and in Americans will be confirmed. Mine sure has been.

(APPLAUSE)

Over the course of these eight years, I've seen the hopeful faces of young graduates and our newest military officers. I have mourned with grieving families searching for answers, and found grace in a Charleston church. I've seen our scientists help a paralyzed man regain his sense of touch. I've seen Wounded Warriors who at points were given up for dead walk again.

I've seen our doctors and volunteers rebuild after earthquakes and stop pandemics in their tracks. I've seen the youngest of children remind us through their actions and through their generosity of our obligations to care for refugees or work for peace and, above all, to look out for each other. So that faith that I placed all those years ago, not far from here, in the power of ordinary Americans to bring about change, that faith has been rewarded in ways I could not have possibly imagined.

And I hope your faith has too. Some of you here tonight or watching at home, you were there with us in 2004 and 2008, 2012.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

Maybe you still can't believe we pulled this whole thing off.

(CHEERS)

Let me tell you, you're not the only ones.

(LAUGHTER)

Michelle...

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

Michelle LaVaughn Robinson of the South Side...

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

... for the past 25 years you have not only been my wife and mother of my children, you have been my best friend.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

You took on a role you didn't ask for. And you made it your own with grace and with grit and with style, and good humor.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

You made the White House a place that belongs to everybody.

(CHEERS)

And a new generation sets its sights higher because it has you as a role model.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

You have made me proud, and you have made the country proud.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

Malia and Sasha...

(CHEERS)

... under the strangest of circumstances you have become two amazing young women.

(CHEERS)

You are smart and you are beautiful. But more importantly, you are kind and you are thoughtful and you are full of passion.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

And...

(APPLAUSE)

... you wore the burden of years in the spotlight so easily. Of all that I have done in my life, I am most proud to be your dad.

(APPLAUSE)

To Joe Biden...

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

... the scrappy kid from Scranton...

(CHEERS)

... who became Delaware's favorite son. You were the first decision I made as a nominee, and it was the best.

(CHEERS)

(APPLAUSE)

Not just because you have been a great vice president, but because in the bargain I gained a brother. And we love you and Jill like family. And your friendship has been one of the great joys of our lives.

(APPLAUSE)

To my remarkable staff, for eight years, and for some of you a whole lot more, I have drawn from your energy. And every day I try to reflect back what you displayed. Heart and character. And idealism. I've watched you grow up, get married, have kids, start incredible new journeys of your own.

Even when times got tough and frustrating, you never let Washington get the better of you. You guarded against cynicism. And the only thing that makes me prouder than all the good that we've done is the thought of all the amazing things that you are going to achieve from here.

(APPLAUSE)

And to all of you out there -- every organizer who moved to an unfamiliar town, every kind family who welcomed them in, every volunteer who knocked on doors, every young person who cast a ballot for the first time, every American who lived and breathed the hard work of change -- you are the best supporters and organizers anybody could ever hope for, and I will forever be grateful. Because you did change the world.

(APPLAUSE)

You did.

And that's why I leave this stage tonight even more optimistic about this country than when we started. Because I know our work has not only helped so many Americans; it has inspired so many Americans -- especially so many young people out there -- to believe that you can make a difference; to hitch your wagon to something bigger than yourselves.

Let me tell you, this generation coming up -- unselfish, altruistic, creative, patriotic -- I've seen you in every corner of the country. You believe in a fair, and just, and inclusive America; you know that constant change has been America's hallmark, that it's not something to fear but something to embrace, you are willing to carry this hard work of democracy forward. You'll soon outnumber any of us, and I believe as a result the future is in good hands.

(APPLAUSE)

My fellow Americans, it has been the honor of my life to serve you. I won't stop; in fact, I will be right there with you, as a citizen, for all my remaining days. But for now, whether you are young or whether you're young at heart, I do have one final ask of you as your president -- the same thing I asked when you took a chance on me eight years ago.

I am asking you to believe. Not in my ability to bring about change -- but in yours.

I am asking you to hold fast to that faith written into our founding documents; that idea whispered by slaves and abolitionists; that spirit sung by immigrants and homesteaders and those who marched for justice; that creed reaffirmed by those who planted flags from foreign battlefields to the surface of the moon; a creed at the core of every American whose story is not yet written: Yes, we can.

(APPLAUSE)

Yes, we did.

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(APPLAUSE)

Yes, we can.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. God bless you. And may God continue to bless the United States of America. Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

[thegloober]

How We Learned to Finally Stop Fighting About Money

The curves on the Taconic Parkway create enough tension as it is, but my wife and I were adding to the drama with a heated discussion about finances. I glanced into the rearview mirror: the kids, five and three, stared at their iPad screens with eyes locked in even as their little heads swerved back and forth from centrifugal force. I steered left, then right, hurtling home from another weekend in the country. “So let’s write it all down, make a budget,” my wife pleaded.

No, I insisted. Writing it down, making a budget wouldn’t work. Or, rather, it’d require too much work. I wanted ease, a positive checking account at the end of the month. In my mind, if she’d make better decisions — maybe eschew the expensive sweater in favor of the thriftier version — we’d be in the black, instead of scuffling to pay the latest preschool tuition bill.

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I did not relay this calmly.

Here I was, badgering her again. When we met, I was a divorced homeowner with a fairly lucrative magazine-editing job; she was a single restaurant marketing employee with barely enough salary to get by in a shared apartment. I knew what I was getting into and so did she: I’m 11 years older than her, not as exciting of a character as the bad-boy chefs her age that she gravitated to in the past. But we loved one another.

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In other words, trade-offs exist, in courtship and, as I’m realizing a couple years down the line from that white-knuckle drive–slash–family-finance-discussion, in economic situations. Once you get married and/or start having children together, you’d better get on the same page.

“Hopefully, you and your partner have had some conversations when your relationship moved in a serious direction about your thoughts, values and concerns about finances in general,” Dr. Marni Feuerman, licensed marriage and family therapist, tells me. Hopefully being the operative word.

The trouble is, we hadn’t. We, like the more than 50 percent of couples who don’t have true financial talks before marriage, should have had “some conversations” when she moved out of her closet-sized room in that shared apartment and into the house I co-owned with an old college friend and her husband. Or when we found out soon after, and sooner than we expected, that our first attempt at conceiving was a success. Even, perhaps, when we sold the house and added a few more zeros to the end of our bank account.

Er, my savings account. You see, we have separate bank accounts.

Is that where things went off the rails? Should we have consolidated our finances and started as equals? Was my wife’s plea on that drive down the Taconic — just write it all down — the correct path? These are the questions I should have been asking, but I’m a typical type A, and my general point of view is that I can figure it out on my own.

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So I soldiered on, through real estate deals and a second child and my wife’s job changes and uncertainties with my own employment. I contributed to my 401(k) and squired bonuses into college savings programs. My wife and I would have the occasional chat about finance, but mostly we focused on getting the kids to school or picking the hot new restaurant for date night or bickering about whose family would have the pleasure of spending holidays with us.

And when money surfaced as an issue, whether to fund back-to-school clothes or help out with the mortgage payment, we fought. We fought about finance in our living room. We argued about it during date nights. We fell into eerie silence during those drives on the Taconic to avoid substantive discussions about where we wanted to be in five years — or even next week.

In my mind, the primary fault lay with my wife: I’d brought savings and real estate and a superior financial sensibility into our relationship, and she’d contributed credit card debt, paltry take-home pay, and a blasé attitude about money. I let the resentment build, and I took it out on her. If she insinuated that I didn’t change diapers willingly during a casual conversation with friends over dinner, I’d caustically reference her spending habits on our way home, torpedoing a needed night out without the kids.

As anyone who’s ever been through divorce can tell you, it’s a thing best avoided. But even as my brain told me to back off my free-spending younger bride as a form of self-preservation and divorce attorney avoidance, my temper heated up faster than a high-tech induction burner. I cajoled her and ranted and brought up petty arguments.

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Then, one day, it stopped. I didn’t have one revelation, but a series of them, and I never wrote out a budget or wasted valuable post-kids’-bedtime Netflix bingeing to achieve this.

Instead, common sense solutions to shoring up our marriage and achieving financial peace of mind metastasized after oh, eight years. That’s what you don’t realize: these things take time. So how did it happen? Here, with input from experts that’s 20-20 hindsight for me, but hopefully helpful to anyone entering the dominion of wedded bliss and parenthood together without the benefit of a trust fund or a hedge fund broker’s bonus structure, is what we eventually figured out.

Come to Terms With Your Financial Differences — the Sooner the Better

A wedding, childbirth, moving into a home — all very stressful things, and all very expensive. No matter where you and your wife started, here you are, so you’d better be in it together.

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“Differences in finances at the beginning of the relationship are okay and expected,” says Roger Ma, Certified Financial Planner at lifelaidout. “The important point is having a similar money mindset moving forward. That means determining what the two of you value, what financial goals you want to achieve, and making sure how you spend your money is aligned with those values and goals.”

Ma suggests that it is helpful to put your finances into perspective at the outset. The first step he advises for all clients, whether they have children or not, is to figure out where they are today. “That means determining net worth and annual savings and expenses,” he says. He recommends doing this manually through a spreadsheet or syncing all of their various accounts to a site such as Mint or Personal Capital.

You can also wing it. But take it from me: if you’re not accepting of any financial differences you have with your spouse, there will be (metaphorical) blood.

Find the Balance That Works For You

I’m sure some people can put their kids to bed on a Sunday night and sit down to a family budgeting spreadsheet. I can’t. My wife probably could, so this one’s on me. Still, it doesn’t mean we let our finances spin out of control. Now that we’ve been married a few years, I’ve learned to stop berating her and she’s become more communicative about money. We are far more proactive in our discussions.

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Dr. Feuerman confirms that this is key. When an issue arises, a couple should deal with it head-on, when possible. “Avoidance will not be helpful. Choose a time when you can talk privately and have no distractions,” she says. “Don’t talk if you are tired, hungry, or overstressed from work.”

It’s even okay, per Ma, if, like me, you don’t have shared bank accounts. It obviously makes things easier for the spreadsheet set, but Ma advises clients that it’s acceptable to maintain separate accounts.

“Combining all of your finances together is not for everyone. Some couples choose to combine all of their accounts together, while others choose to have a joint checking account for some expenses, while maintaining separate accounts for everything else,” he says. “Having separate checking accounts could be helpful if you’re trying to buy a gift for the other person and want it to be a surprise or if your partner would question you on every purchase if you only had a joint checking account.”

That last point is prescient. When my wife emerges from the bedroom in an ensemble I’ve never seen before, I’m more likely to compliment her on it than to worry about how much she spent on it.

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Find the Roles That Best Suit You

When I write to Dr. Feuerman, I ask her about a recent story I read on Fatherly disturbingly titled “When Husbands Don’t Work, Marriages Fall Apart,” which features an interview with a Harvard sociology professor who provides statistical proof about finance and divorce to back up the headline’s claim.

Central to my arguments with my wife was that I’d always worked hard and strived to make more money, and she should too; she’d counter that women are often paid less than men. When she had a brief spell between jobs, she enjoyed spending more time taking care of the children — and better care of herself. I’d noticed this, but our reality didn’t allow for her to be a stay at home mom. I’ve been out for beers with other dad friends trying to live the one-household-income idyll, and few appeared secure. “We’re talking about her getting a job,” they almost always say.

Ask any guy who either doesn’t work or who has a flexible schedule about which parent they see at school events and even in these enlightened times, it’s almost always majority moms.

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“A man’s sense of identity and purpose is often tied up in work and making money,” says Dr. Feuerman. “It takes a very self-assured and confident man to handle being in a relationship where the woman is the primary source of income. It also takes a woman who won’t look down on her husband if he stays home with the kids while she works or if his income is significantly less.”

The needle has moved, per Feuerman, but not enough. “The theory that this should be acceptable does not match up with the reality.” But, at the end of the, it’s what works for you.

Understand that the future is unpredictable

The insurance companies call it a “qualifying life event,” which is to say that people can change jobs or lose a job or change their mind about the job they want.

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“Situations,” as Ma points out, “are very fluid. The partner that has the higher-paying job could lose their job tomorrow, seek to move to a lower-paying job, transition industries or go to graduate school.”

Managing finances with children adds even more fluidity. From school expenses to unforeseen circumstances like hospital visits or orthodontist bills, today’s cute little sidekicks can become tomorrow’s bank account drain in the time it takes to say, “They grow up so fast!”

While my wife and I have gravitated toward a more enlightened approach to our finances, I’m also keeping in mind that we’ll need to be emotionally prepared for future triggers. What happens when a couple can’t reach an agreement?

“Impasses are not uncommon around this topic,” Dr. Feuerman writes, and then provides an approach that even I, a list-phobic dude, will heed should the occasion arise.

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When you’ve reached an impasse, Feuerman says each of you should take out a piece of paper and write down the particular issue you are both gridlocked about. Then, create two columns to list what you are willing to be flexible on and what you are inflexible about. Go over the lists and take turns talking and listening for a while. You should make a point to discuss the deeper meaning of your position: What does this financial decision mean to you? How does it reflect your core values, your dreams and needs? Can you find a path to supporting each other’s positions?  And, the most important question of all: Is it in the best interest of the family? “If all else fails to move you past the impasse,” says Feuerman, “do not hesitate to reach out to a financial advisor or couples counselor for help.”

Always Remember: Family Comes First.

This last point is essential, and one I wish I’d tried to drive home during financial conversations with my wife rather than focus purely on money. In the end, that’s all I was concerned about. It’s what she was, too. We just didn’t see it that way.

“We all want to be supported in our personal needs when we come together with a partner. When it comes to finances and you have a family, the needs for safety and security are often top of the list,” says Dr. Feuerman. “The emotion and financial needs are woven together. Recognize that the financial decisions you make impact your family. You both have a family to think about and must make decisions that are beneficial to the long-term security of the family.”

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Source: https://bloghyped.com/how-we-learned-to-finally-stop-fighting-about-money/