#my brother just texted me: ‘lol.’
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Modern Au with Ed and Stede except they text like middle aged ppl.
like “great… can’t wait to meet…” & “that’s funny.”
Bonus if only one of them is like that and the other person is losing their mind and desperately trying to figure out if person A is mad at them or not
#skfksksk#inspired by me losing my mind every time im texting my 40yo brother#please stop with the ellipses and throw in an emoji every now and then so i know you’re not mad at me akfksksk#my brother just texted me: ‘lol.’#like sir??#ofmd#our flag means death
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Light redesigns of Romeo and Delilah!
I do like their designs but I thought you could push them a little more. They're very rough, I was just doodling these for fun! Ended sparking some new headcanons i incorporated specific to these designs.
Can't decide whether I like the OG ambiguous robe or clearly a hospital gown for Romeo but I really wanted to see him with the gown!
#guilty gear#bedman#guilty gear delilah#my art#fanart#i really tried thinking about what the intention behind each design decision was and how I can keep that#like they clearly wanted to show the tattoos somehow so I gave more to romeo for the lack of a v neck lol#also delilah's torn clothes are meant to mimick the spikes on the bed a little at least shape wise#i also think the text they put onto gg characters is so stupid (affectionate) so i tried incorporating it#in a more natural way#and then i loved the idea of romeo scribbling on his shirt whatever he thinks is cool#also theyre the same height delilah is just taller because Boots which is v funny to me#i also tried making delilah's hair curl in more to kinda mimick her brother's
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god fucking damnit. i woke up from a nightmare this morning and just immediately broke down sobbing. sometimes i cry after a nightmare (because they’re literally all about the people i love suddenly being indifferent/cruel to me), but i still feel like i could start crying again any second
#and then i texted my brother and just asked him to tell me he loves me#like just a little reassurance#and he sent me back ‘lol my partner gets those same dreams’#i finally get all the women i know#i told him exactly what to say and he still fucked it up#seriously is there like a filter on some people’s brains that just doesn’t see a request like that#okay editing tags because this got notes:#my brother is awesome#he’s my best friend and he’s only 23 so he’s like a baby#(i know 23 is an adult but he’s five and a half years younger than me and the baby of our family)#he is also like 6’6 or something#he towers over us all but especially our sister (the oldest)#we go backwards in height vs. age
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i think one of the most disappointing things is to see that your childhood friends have grown up to represent the kind of people you're disappointed in
#had a friendship break up w like one of my entire friend groups of six ppl?#found out that one of the girls in our friend group had sent screenshots of our private conversation about smth I was hurt over#to a gc with our other friends (but not me ofc)#and they all proceeded to talk shit about me :// I swear the way my stomach dropped when the friend I was having the convo w#sent me screenshots of what our mutual friends were saying about me#she knew how much it would hurt me but still did it just to prove a point (though I'm certain she misrepresented our conversation + my word#to them considering she blocked out what she had initially said to them lol)#my stomach hasn't dropped like that since high school#which is exactly where I thought we left this kind of deceitful behaviour. like how are you guys twenty one and still sending screenshots#and talking bad behind only one (1) friend's back when you know she can't defend herself in that space#I immediately texted our collective gc to explain a text she had sent but failed to give context for#then told them if I'm as selfish as they say I will leave this friend group. and then I left that gc#I also texted two friends who I knew were talking shit and I sent them the screenshots that first “friend” sent and pointed out how#she blocked out what she said so I'm suspicious that she skewed our conversation so they (the two other “friends”) should be wary#I told them I understood it was fair game to stoop. this low considering neither of them tried to reach out to me to hear my side#or defend me + my privacy#for context: the original argument was me voicing out that I was upset bc that first “friend” had invited and planned with with our friend#group an event that landed on my birthday without checking in with me if I was planning to spend time with them that day#and she kept defending herself and saying she didn't know I'd plan smth (probably bc my bday is two months away lmao) and she said#the event they'd be attending is just as important and necessary as being there for my birthday?? it's literally just a party her brother#(who none of us are close to lol) is DJing at. and I brought up how I'm their close friend (not her brother) and it's not fair to call#it equally necessary. but I suspect she skewed what I said greatly considering all of our friends started calling me selfish and unfair#but yeah v v crazy and hurtful and just astonishing#salmaspeaks
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[MK1] Bi-Han & Kuai Liang. Good brother? Evil brother? Nah, just different reactions to trauma, part 3
part 1, part 2
The previous part helped me lay a ground to establish the main difference between Kuai Liang and Bi-Han. Scorpion, as a dedicated follower of father and Liu Kang’s authority is what I had called the Believer. He does not question the nature of Lin Kuei duty, as he built his life around it. Bi-Han on another hand is definitely a Questioner, as he questions and undermines not only the wisdom of Fire God or even his own father but also the reasons why his clan should serve Earthrealm in the first place as he sees such servitude as enslavement. So one brother follows orders of those he considers to be his superiors while the other, the same as all know to us major cryomancers, has a rocky relationship with authority.
Being the sons of Grandmaster definitely influenced their life by how they were raised, because beside the hardship of physical training they, as heirs, needed to be prepared for their future duties to the clan. As the eldest, such additional education was aimed primarily on Bi-Han, and depending on how big is the age gap between brothers, he could be more involved into clan politics - and in result more aware of the inner working of Lin Kuei and the unrest of his people than Kuai Liang or Tomas were. I will expand this thought soon, for now let's talk about the Grandmaster and Mother, as the first authority figures that shaped and influenced both brothers.
FATHER
There is no doubt that their father played a great role in shaping Kuai Liang and he meant a lot to the younger brother. During story mode we had 6 main scenes in which Lin Kuei brothers interacted with each other:
waiting together for Liu Kang
before infiltrating Fortress
after Bi-Han defeated Nitara and Ermac
before brothers separated to carry on their parts of mission
Bi-Han’s betrayal
the second confrontation between brothers that lead to Kuai Liang and Bi-Han fight + Kuai Liang and Tomas talking over unconscious body of Sub-Zero
Out of 6 examples, four was focused on the ideological conflict between Sub-Zero and his brothers - and in all of those scenes, Kuai Liang was talking about father in one way or another
“His teaching did not pass with him. They should still guide us." “We must honor his vision Bi-Han." “Bi-Han!! How could you?! Father would turn in his grave if he saw this!" "We must chart a new course. One that both honors our Father's legacy and serves Earthrealm."
but outside the importance of father and his teaching, had almost nothing meaningful to say in the presented interactions. What is frankly a pretty alarming detail. Not only because Kuai Liang barely interacted with Tomas before he needed his support (6th interaction scene), but also he does not contribute much to the mission - the only one time he does say anything relative to the job at hand is when Smoke is out of the picture.
In contrast, Bi-Han and Smoke talked about how to process the mission on two separate occasions - before and during infiltrating the fortress, even though Tomas is the least battle experienced out of the three brothers (confirmed by his BIO and the falling scene) and the one about whom frustrated Bi-Han said to not have Lin Kuei blood.
And this is very surprising choice of creators, as it was Kuai Liang to whom other characters will look up for leadership during battle to close the portals, so A) he doesn’t lack the skills and self-confidence to lead a mission and B) he was no afraid of Bi-Han nor Tomas as he spoke his mind openly around his brothers.
For the majority of Bi-Han’s chapter, literally all Scorpion has to say was to critique Sub-Zero even for things not worth the scorn[1] or bring father into discussion despite perfectly knowing this will only frustrate his elder brother more.
Again for contrast, during the same chapter Bi-Han spoke of things not related to his father or ambitious plans for Lin Kuei’s future. As in:
discussing mission with Smoke on two different occasions
enjoying the fight for his own personal reasons (glory, testing his skills against worth opponents)
childhood memory - hearing the stories about Nitara’s people as a child
Sub-Zero’s chapter alone gives us a good hint of differences between Bi-Han and Kuai Liang. Scorpion is all about father and tradition to the point he barely interact with Smoke despite his own assurance “We may not share blood, but we are brothers” and has little to nothing nice or supportive to say to his elder brother despite their close bond (as provided by intro dialogues: Kuai Liang believing their bond couldn’t be broken and Bi-Han wishing to rule with Kuai Liang at his side).
In all fairness there is something almost fanatical in the way Scorpion acted at this point in story mode and it would be easy to claim this blind-like dedication to father is what Kuai Liang was at the core. However, like I said in the previous part, the same as Bi-Han’s behavior was influenced by emotion out of his control, the frustration we were told by Scorpion and shown through Sub-Zero’s angry gesticulation, the same assumption should be made for Kuai Liang. The best hint comes from the interaction between brothers before they attempted climbing on the wall.
Sub-Zero: “We must find a less guarded section before attempting an ascent. Finally we face a worthy foe. Victory will bring us glory." Scorpion: “Glory? We fight for duty." Sub-Zero: “Does our Father's ghost possess you? All I hear is his voice."
Saying someone is possessed is a strong way to emphasize how a person is acting differently than usual. By Bi-Han’s frustrated reaction we can assume that the way Kuai Liang behave and speak mimic the behavior of their parent - and if Sub-Zero was constantly rebuked by father the way he is rebuked by his younger brother over everything, whatever big or small matter, it could be the origin of his growing frustration.
However we need to keep in mind that Kuai Liang was deeply affected by the unexpected death of their father, so this event could influence the way he interacted with his brothers, especially with Bi-Han. There is no reason to doubt they were once close, but I think the moment when Kuai Liang lost not just a parent but the most important authority figure, he started treating father’s wisdom not as just a guidance but some sort of Sacred Laws he - and his brothers - needs to follow to the letter.
At first in story mode Kuai Liang only says “His teaching did not pass with him. They should still guide us” to which Bi-Han replies that father’s wisdom can guide them but not “shackle” (limiting). But the more conflict escalates, the more Scorpion insists “We must honor his vision Bi-Han” yet he does not provide any real argument why they must do it actually. Like yes, sons should respect their father and be obedient while tradition is an important part of one’s culture, but Kuai Liang never goes out of his way to provide any example of what is good about that wisdom in the first place.
In contrast, the more tense became their interaction, the more vocal Bi-Han was about why he reject their father’s teaching:
Sub-Zero: "Vision is what he lacked. He was blind to our superiority. We settle for defending Earthrealm when we could help lead it."
and later, at his breaking point,
Sub-Zero:"He was doddering old fool! He did us a favor, having that accident. And I was right to let him die.[...] Father had doomed the Lin Kuei to mediocrity. Now we will achieve greatness."
At the same time, despite the harsh criticism toward father and considering his death as “favor” done to Lin Kuei (brothers) and having no regrets for letting him die, Sub-Zero’s relationship with his parent is not so one sided as it may look at the first glance.
Through intro dialogues, Bi-Han still considers his father a foolish, short sighted man
Scorpion: Father would be ashamed of you. Sub-Zero: Only because he lacked vision.
and
Smoke: Father wanted us to be brothers. Sub-Zero: Yet another of the old man's foolish dreams.
or
Sub-Zero: My father was a fool to follow you. Liu Kang: He wisely honored Earthrealm with his service.
but at the same time he does not completely reject the notion of the father’s greatness
Sindel: I knew your father. He was a great man. Sub-Zero: Yet he never understood the Lin Kuei's potential.
or that the man’s wisdom had some merit
Sub-Zero: Father was right about one thing: never trust a sorcerer. Quan Chi: Truly, he was a wise man.
nor Sub-Zero's action was motivated by hate or spite
Reiko: Is it true: you let your father die? Sub-Zero: What war's ever been won without losses?
or
Ashrah: What kind of son betrays his father? Sub-Zero: One who sees his father's time has passed.
(And there is something really weird how Reiko bothers to ask Bi-Han about his father’s death yet Fire Lord, who praised the previous Grandmaster as a wise man to serve Earthrealm, has nothing to say about the matter? No anger, no rebuke, not even a simple comment for what Bi-Han did? When he expressed regret on various occasions for the ill fate of Sindel and her husband? I guess this could add to the pile of reasons why Bi-Han resents Liu Kang’s authority for not treating his Lin Kuei allies with the same or similar level of respect he express toward Outworld Royal Family).
Scorpion in his intro dialogues does not question father’s authority at all. He does speak about him with
Sindel
Scorpion: Your husband's murder haunted my father. Sindel: All those close to Jerrod were devastated.
and
Sindel: Both your parents were excellent fighters. Scorpion: I can only hope to live up to their example.
Geras
Scorpion: I want to see the moment my father died. Geras: You are not ready to receive that knowledge.
and Bi-Han (“Father would be ashamed of you”) however I didn’t find any example he directly mentioned father to Smoke, who, like Sub-Zero, had a more complicated relationship with the man[2].
He also expressed to Johnny and his mirror match burning anger at Bi-Han for father’s death:
Johnny Cage: Bi-Han's got you all fired up, eh? Scorpion: He'll burn for betraying my father.
and
Scorpion: I won't be consumed by vengeance. Scorpion: How can your father's death not burn you?
This fierce reaction to father’s death is understandable, as Scorpion’s Bio said,
Like his cherished father, Scorpion is dedicated to the Lin Kuei and its defense of Earthrealm. When his father died, Scorpion was bereft.
Now, let’s focus on the choice of words. According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, bereft means:
suffering the death of a loved one but also being deprived or lacking something needed, wanted, or expected.
Which is why I think the loss of a father is for Kuai Liang something more than just missing a beloved parent. He also lost the guidance that was constant in his life since he was a little kid and he tries to fill the emptiness by honoring and in result, mimicking the authority figure he built his life around.
Kuai Liang’s character theme is HONOR
and as much as it is about his integrity and loyalty to father’s teaching (protecting Earthrealm), I think this is also a keyword to what Scorpion dedicated his life: to honoring the past but only through father’s idea of tradition, duty or his legacy[3].
Story mode: "We must honor his vision Bi-Han."
and
Story mode: "We must chart a new course. One that both honors our Father's legacy and serves Earthrealm."
and
Smoke: With you as grandmaster, our new clan will flourish. Scorpion: Only if we honor tradition.
If we agree that Father was the authority Kuai Liang followed and built his life around, then he did not just lose a parent but also a central part of his world, a source of comfort and security. And Bi-Han, the closest remaining blood-relative, the eldest sibling is NOT PROVIDING THE NEEDED COMFORT and/or STABILITY because Sub-Zero does not follow father’s teaching anymore and slowly is building his life around different values and goals than were accepted by previous Grandmaster.
Which is why I believe Kuai Liang so desperately clings to it, and honors the man’s teaching like it is some sort of sacred code and can’t anymore interact with elder brother the way they used to. Because he is afraid to lose the last connection to cherished father - if Bi-Han casts away their father’s teaching, they will be forgotten with passing time and then lost forever. And the dislike of changes father would not approve and fear of being forced to act against his own brother are part of Scorpion’s BIO:
[...] he took pride in knowing that his brother, Sub-Zero, would succeed their father as the Lin Kuei's grandmaster. But Sub-Zero's unprecedented moves to cast off the Lin Kuei's traditional duties have frozen Scorpion's enthusiasm. He fears that one day he may have to battle his brother for control of the Lin Kuei's legacy.
- even if Bi-Han prior to his betrayal scene did not do anything that cast off the tradition. We could hear him talking about his ambitions to change Lin Kuei, but only between his closest family and never openly questioning or challenging Liu Kang’s authority. Like yes, Bi-Han was frustrated and lacked patience for back talks of Kung Lao who still didn’t figure out Lin Kuei pulled out their punches and acted violently once Johnny grabbed his arm - and how much it was a learned reflex to respond with violence and a simple excuse to hit him is up to debate. But each time Liu Kang got involved in the “conflict��� Sub-Zero fell back to his place and obeyed. The same as he did not argue about the mission he and his brother undertook on Fire Lord’s order.
As the story mode provides, the clan was more than ready to reject the past because only Kuai Liang and Tomas refused to follow Sub-Zero’s leadership. Which speaks a lot both about Lin Kuei as a society and Kuai Liang’s dedication for tradition and father. The story mode really made him look to be in the minority in that matter. To the point that he openly admitted to Smoke how small are chances for him to replace Bi-Han as the Grandmaster even though he is the second in line to that title:
Smoke: “What are you doing? Once he's exposed, won't you be made Grandmaster?" Scorpion: "You forget Cyrax and Sektor. Their loyalty to Bi-Han is absolute. They'll sooner abet his corruption than follow me."
At his breaking point, Bi-Han explained to brother he lied about father’s death because
"[...] you couldn't, and still can't, face the truth. Father had doomed the Lin Kuei to mediocrity. Now we will achieve greatness."
what is of course a very subjective opinion, but considering how sources presented Kuai Liang and how narrow-minded he can be, especially during mourning father, I’m willing to give Sub-Zero some benefit of doubt. Not if father worsened the Lin Kuei situation or not, but about Scorpion and his inability or lack of will to face the truth. Lin Kuei has changed and Bi-Han alone is not the source of problem, because he is the clan leader for relative short period of time while the whole clan rejected the centuries old traditions honored by Kuai Liang’s father despite knowing it puts them on the collide course against Liu Kang, Earthrealm and Outworld. What is more, just because the previous Grandmaster died, it does not erase all the older members who served Earthrealm longer that Bi-Han or Kuai Liang lived and they too support Bi-Han’s independence streak as far as sources implies. Would they reject Sub-Zero if they knew about his part in Grandmaster’s death? Maybe or maybe not, all depending how long and how deeply the dissatisfaction about the Lin Kuei situation runs. Something that Kuai Liang may not be aware of - or quite the opposite, he was in fact painfully aware about it and this is why he feared Sub-Zero's desire for change, because he knew the clan will gladly support it.
The same as for tradition, brothers have a different approach to their father and what he symbolizes in their life. For Kuai Liang the man was a cherished family member and moral guide, the first and final authority while for Bi-Han a source of frustration and limitation. Understandable then, they have an opposite reaction to his death, one is heartbroken and the other sees it as an opportunity for his own growth and realization of ambitious plans.
The Lin Kuei brothers’ feelings for mother though are drastically different matter and this will be the subject of the next part.
SIDENOTES
[1] The best example happened here:
Sub-Zero: “We must find a less guarded section before attempting an ascent. Finally we face a worthy foe. Victory will bring us glory." Scorpion: “Glory? We fight for duty."
as Bi-Han can’t even express the joy he finds in fighting without Kuai Liang cut in and bring it down again to duty and in the wider perspective what father trained them for. An excitement that in itself is not inherently a bad thing, especially since the Sub-Zero’s quotes after losing the fight against Nitara or Ermac shows how Bi-Han would graciously accept defeat and praise his enemy (“You are a superb adversary. More than worth the wait” and “You are as formidable as promised. Let’s continue.” respectively) thus his attitude is about something different than bloodthirst or fun. Sub-Zero was warned about the danger Nitara and Ermac posed:
childhood stories about Lin Kuei's effort against Nitara’s people: “As a boy I heard tales of battles against your kind.”
Liu Kang’s warning about Ermac: “You are Quan Chi’s creation. Liu Kang warned about you. I had hoped for the chance to battle your dark magic.”
and so Bi-Han hoped to face worthy opponents against whom he could test his skills. And though it may sound selfish, we can’t forget that Sub-Zero was raised as a warrior - only facing strong opponents and overcoming the danger allow a warrior to make progress. Lin Kuei warriors were always striving for perfection, and if this mindset did not change in Liu Kang’s timeline, it is understandable why the prospect of facing danger after years of idleness pleased the Grandmaster.
Bi-Han looking out for a chance to perfect his abilities, wishing to test himself and earning a recognition for fighting skills he dedicated his whole life doesn’t sound as something deserving such a negative reaction. Especially since Bi-Han at this point has never done anything that put the mission or his brothers at risk. And though he was frustrated about his and Lin Kuei's situation, it never stopped him from doing his duty - until the capture and Shang Tsung’s offer scene. An offer he wouldn’t be otherwise interested to listen to, as was seen during his fight with sorcerer
and Sub-Zero’s intention to eliminate the enemy for good (even if Liu Kang clearly said to capture the sorcerer not to kill him).
This leads me to think Kuai Liang’s rebuke was uncalled for but also supports my feeling mentioned in the previous part - Scorpion did not enjoy fighting but was doing it because tradition (father) demanded that from him.
[2] Tomas’ complicated feelings toward Lin Kuei Father are rooted in his trauma - it was Grandmaster’s own people who killed his mother and twin sister. As much as an adult Tomas respect his adoptive parent and maybe even became emotionally close with he man over the years, there is still something in the way he spoke about the past events that indicates it was not always the case - and maybe he still feels some resentment to the man that at least indirectly destroyed his childhood
Kitana: You are Kuai Liang's adopted brother? Smoke: His father's honor demanded that he take me in.
and
Reptile: Lucky for you, Kuai Liang's father took you in. Smoke: It didn't feel that way at the time.
And I guess this is just the nature of intro dialogues, but it feels off to me that when Tomas is talking with non Lin Kuei characters, the father is always connected down solely to Kuai Liang (and not for example to both brothers) and Tomas never corrects them or say anything implying that despite not sharing the same blood, the man became his father too. There is also something to say how Tomas twice brought father in his dialogues with Bi-Han:
Smoke: Father wanted us to be brothers. Sub-Zero: Yet another of the old man's foolish dreams.
and
Sub-Zero: You were never truly one of us. Smoke: Were Father here, he would disagree.
None of the brothers adds “my” or “our” father - and Bi-Han could do so, if he didn’t consider Tomas part of the family. Interestingly Sub-Zero only once said “my father” in his intro dialogues and between the three brothers, Sub-Zero's ones revolve the most around the man (I counted 8 separate, direct intro dialogues), while Kuai Liang does not talk directly about father with Tomas at all in their pre-fighting interactions. Which is quite surprising, considering how important father is to Kuai Liang and how often Smoke brought the man’s authority in story mode and intros.
[3] At this point I think it is not the burning anger that Kuai Liang shares with the original Scorpion that should concern other characters (and us), but his “blind” clinging to the past that brought Hanzo Hasashi a lot of suffering and made him an easy target for manipulations. Now, I know this may sound too harsh, especially at such an early stage of exploring a new timeline and having no clue what is NRS’ final goal for his character development but hear me out. Kuai Liang’s Shirai Ryu is not an improved version of Lin Kuei, but it's replacement. For now Scorpion needs to find and train willing adepts to secure Earthrealm and his new clan’s safety, so it’s understandable his focus is set on the most urgent matters at hand, but if he is not willing to closely examine past and question it - be it father’s teaching or what lead Lin Kuei to follow rebellious Sub-Zero than following their traditional duties, he will recreate the system that objectively speaking is unfair to people born into it. As far as we know, Lin Kuei members weren’t paid for their dutiful service, they lived in isolation and secret, forced their children to endure hardship since childhood to turn them into superb soldiers (tools) so Liu Kang’s Earthrealm could be safe and sound and even in times of peace, the warriors could die for unspecified reasons that aren’t related to natural death out of old age (presumably what happened to mother). There is much more to talk about, so I’m gonna leave this matter for another part. Just signaling that Kuai Liang’s fierce loyalty to father (past) can be as dangerous as Bi-Han rejecting it.
#mortal kombat#bi han#kuai liang#tomas vrbada#sub zero#scorpion#smoke#lin kuei#my analysis#that kinda get out of control#sorry folks as much as i'm dying to talk about lin kuei bros' mother i needed to cut the text here#as it something around 9-10 pages already lol#i won't lie writing about pyromancer kuai liang is so painful and i tried my best to not be harsh on him#for being so narrow minded character that like barely provides any arguments or explaination for his cause#especially in contrast to bi han who though is painted as the “powe hungry brother” he has some good points and at least give me#something to work on and analyze#while kuai is mainly father this tradition that#and it is so weird bi han and tomas have more intro dialogues about father than kuai liang and tomas have#it is not character flaws nor their fault just storyline and how story is structured and so on#but it is so weird sometimes#i'm here for scorpion being affected by grief over father and fear how the world he knows is falling apart to explain why brothers#were so frustrated and bad at communication#the same way i feel bi han's frustration influenced his behaviour
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#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
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look up adriana varejão if you liked that gore wall. i've seen that wall irl and many more of her pieces. i love when she makes eviscerated canvases
HELLOOOOO these all fuck INCREDIBLY hard and seem like they would go EVEN HARDER as installations not just images :0 thank u so much
(image description: a selection of pieces by brazilian artist adriana varejão. several feature motifs frm traditional portuguese tilework, a common feature of all the pieces shown is that the surface canvas or tile is broken / torn / gouged / sloughing away to reveal bloody viscera underneath)
#the one with the gurney….obsessed!!!!!!!#so funny tho my brother texted me this morning asking if i wanted a tote bag w the Exact tile pattern from the last piece lol#also sorry for not doing more detailed image descriptions i haaaaaate doing alt text on my phone so it’s just piece titles in there)
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omg i didn't know you liked arcane that's so cool :0
#I am in arraial jail right now#so no text posts#I have to say that arcane discourse scares me#it feels like you need three diplomas in social political conflicts to talk about this show#so this is my strong opinion that I will share for now#yes i know they are three very different sides of the same conflict#i deeply do not care#i just love them#arcane mel#arcane jinx#arcane ekko#[edit]#okay least one#god Vi becoming a cop is sending me#I get it it was true on LOL lore or whatever#but I had one single pass to give to a lesbian cop with major “my sibling is a murder” issues#AND THAT WENT TO BAGI#And it is just because she spends the canon not being a cop#and actually being one of the most vocal anti estabilishment people#and sending death threats to the goverment learders#her literally goals were “save my brother get rid of the leaders raise my kids and kiss my girl”
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so tonight starts the first night of me living alone in a farmhouse for a full month. bthe closest town in 15 minutes away (and is also the town they filmed friday the 15th in) and i'm gonna have to both clean the house and take care of some animals. but! luckily my cousin only lives 15 minutes away (not in the town) so we can hang a lot and i can get her husband to teach me how to do work on cars and how to play guitar or smth :3
#im lowkey sad about leaving my brother at home esp since we're in the middle of watching a show together#but tbh he's been a straight up dick lately to me so fuck him lol#like i GET IT he wants to spend as much time as possible with his girlfriend I GET IT#but if you say we're gonna have a night to just smoke and watch as much of our show as we want#DONT COME HOME AT 11 PM AND THEN STOP AFTER 3 EPISODES JUST SO YOU CAN CALL YOUR GF AFTERWARDS#OR AT LEAST GIVE ME A HEADS UP BC I WILL UNDERSTAND!! AND DONT BE RUDE TO ME WHEN I TEXT YOU A MEME BC IM APPARENTLY INTERUPTTING TIME WITH#UR GF WHO YOUVE SEEN EVERYDAY THIS WEEK LIKE LITERALLY YOU DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO RESPOND TO ME IF IT WAS THAT MUCH OF AN ISSUE#anyways. yeah glad to get some space from him and also i'm gonna start making him pay more for his cut of weed.#also he said he didn't want to hang with me on my birthday so he's legit just being a dick#anyways#rant over#lonely farmhouse time :)
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FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFEEEEE TELL ME WHY TRESPASSING DUDE JUST ASKED ME IF WE ARE FRIENDS... SIR I WANT YOU UNDER MY SKIN WDYM
#he didnt friendzonenme. theres context but ohhhh my godddd#so basically i said smth like 'oh idk if u care but in case ur wondering the reason I'm messaging u at 4am is bc i fucked up my sleep#schedule lol“ and he responded like ”wym idk if you care#ofc i care. im not heartless'' and i told him like 'you said at length how much your brother and others yap at you and volunteer random in#formation you didnt ask for and at times it huts me like oh lol wait a minute i do that'' bc like. i Know its different. and he didnt say#that to target me. but like... i cant fucking help it. i like him i take it personally and want to be cautious yk#trauma response or whatever and i also want to clarify where i stand with him bc he doesn't tell me anything if i dont say shit like this#and he responded to that with 'i care because we're friends (or at least i hope so'' and im like... sir we met on a dating app. I'm inviting#you to my house to bake bread... and to meet my friends... i want you!!!#hhhh god i need to craft a good response bc i do intend to tell him i like him. just not over text!!! this is an in person conversation#type thing!! hhhh
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in addition to that, remember how i found out my ex has a kid through his whatsapp icon??
(the kicker is, i only looked at it because my fucking grandma told me on the phone: oh you know how i kept his number, because I always thought...* well looking at his new picture I might just delete it now...)
well at christmas i wanted to send myself some pictures i took with my mum's phone (with permission of course) and what do i see? she TEXTED HIM MERRY CHRISTMAS. we broke up over three years ago! ma'am this man didn't even send you a fucking condolence card when dad died! he does NOT get a merry christmas!!
so I told her that. she was a little snappy about it, which annoyed me because sorry, this is -my- old heart break, I'm not texting your exes either?? (or my ex's parents for that matter) but then! she said: but I DO wonder what kid he's holding there...
and I was like mum, what the heck, that's obviously HIS kid, what other child would that be
and she was SO CONFUSED. MOTHER! WHAT
#personal#sorry i had to share this it was SUCH an interaction#it's like she didn't realise that yeah just because her fail daughter's life didn't progress in any direction except uh downwards since 201#doesn't mean it's like that for everyone else#maybe she understood a little better why i was so sensitive over her texting him#i ALSO had assumed my granny had already gossiped it all the way to her (i know she did to my brother)#but apparently she decided this was the moment for confidentiality??#anyways what child looking JUST LIKE HIM could he POSSIBLY hold in his arm ON HIS WHATSAPP PROFILE that he hadn't changed in YEARS before#*i am also so tired of this 'well maybe you could get back together one day!!' that's always implicit in keeping their number#or texting them seasonal greetings... because a) he just fucking dumped me so like it's not like i had any choice in the matter back then#BUT i got over it and i want to be over it and i want it to be in the past#and b) it's kind of reminding me how back then everyone always congratulated me on how great he was (spoiler he wasn't lol)#which just made me feel like i was 'lucky' to get with a guy 'like that' when i am.... not like that you know#(my other grandmother is soooooo much worse with this she literally told me i will never find a man as good MA'AM YOU MET HIM ONCE)#and i would like people to i dunno believe in my loveability a little more#especially.......... my own mother............
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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks
#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here#i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly#not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO#but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it#feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website#but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth#genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff#then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time#and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello#but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why#and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job#and none of those things really apply to me#i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat#i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement#im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn#also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother#thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation#i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT#I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man#i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better#idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece#i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count#but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and#participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat#so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life#i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now#thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing#and not break my fucking ankles
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idk man i just think i have too many ideas for the limited hours of consciousness god gave me on this earth
#insert lol at the end there#my friend told me i need to make more text posts so here's one for the early birds and midnight owls#disabled core#this is for all my chronically ill brothers out there#and my writer friends who are just too damn busy#writer problems#it's hard to be so blessed
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i hate that i can’t even ride the high from my concert because my life is so consistently depressing and hellish lmao 🙃 it’s depressing to come back down to reality after such a good day. like it really makes me realize how joyless my life has become. everything just blurs together
#and i’m just tired of like everything around me feeling like it’s drifting away and becoming more unreachable#like i never even get to finish a conversation with half of my friends because they just forget to respond to me#thank god for sushi and asant consistently replying even when they’re busy lmao#no one else even bothers to really check in now unless i’m in like ACTIVE crisis it really sucks#not even in like a ‘i need people to hear me vent’ way#i just don’t feel important to the majority of the people in my life. at all#or maybe it’s just i feel like i care about and prioritize them a lot more than they do me#like? i had more coworkers text me on my birthday than actual friends#and i fucking hate my birthday so i get it to some degree#but it just hurts my feelings? idk? i feel like such an afterthought all the time to people. like a ghost#and i feel like i’m not interesting or good enough to keep anyone around or hold their attention#my own brother didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. at all lol#are my expectations just too high?#it’s just lonely. i wish i didn’t feel so alone
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God I wish I could find a like, super fun fantasy game with guilds and shit, that is also fun to play
Like damn dude, I crave so bad to have some rpg and to have a guild with a bunch of friends to play online with and after doing some dungeon crawling and some fun quests just go back to chill in our Big Fuckoff Castle or some shit, that sounds like it'd be so cool dude
It is a shame I bore way too quickly of traditional mmorpg gameplay, because having a guild and a guild hall seems so fucking cool to me but to my knowledge those are pretty rare outside of that genre
#Honestly if the gameplay wasn't so slow and distant I 100% would have had my soul stolen by world of warcraft or some shit#but alas I'm just a little too much if a caffiene addicted zoomer so WoW's slower pace just can't engage me lol#but like if that game had gameplay like For Honor or Elden Ring? Brother I'd be declared missing and assumed dead in no time#pun's text posts
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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