#my brain isnt braining and i want to cry and rot all day

[pierogisfilledwithpaint]

I feel like my depression got even worse during this winter, it always got worse whenever it got colder, but this year is fucking brutal for me. I can't get enough motivation or strength to do anything anymore. There's my battle jacket that i need to sew my patches on, I also wanted to make some diy jewelry, learn how to crochet and draw a lot either in my sketchbook or digitally, but my brain just wants me to rot in fucking bed all day and I hate it. It's not like I haven't tried to pick up on these things again, it's just that I always give up shortly after I begin, I don't even finish shitty doodles in my sketchbook. There has also been a big change in my life and that has also made my depression worse. Sometimes I wish that I could just disappear somewhere or switch lives with someone so I can stop feeling so miserable already

I can only hope things will get better next year since I'm currently staying over at my aunts family and they promised that they'll help me with getting a job and a therapist. I'm also away from my mother which I also desperately needed, because my relationship with her is really strained and complicated

I feel like crying right now so i'll just listen to sundowning and hope things will finally look up for me in the future

[josecariohca]

.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[tomboyyyaoi]

my brains actually sp fuckrd rn that i almost burst into tears and nearly blocked like 2 of my mutuals as well as op over a post with an opinion i barely disagree with i just cannot fkn do this rn i need tomorrows appointment to Help at least a little bit im going absolutely mental

[prettiestboyreid]

fics that have altered my brain chemistry (eddies/joe qs version)

okay so ive been in an adhd brain rot?? where im just fucking HORRIBLE at reblogging fics that i enjoy and honestly it was my whole reasoning behind making this blog FOR GIVING WRITERS THE LOVE THEY DESERVE i just wanted to give a shoutout to these writers (and stories) they’ve made that just fucking messed with my brain (and in a good way okay??) over these last few months. please check them out and give them all the fucking love they deserve

like a poem (FINISHED series, but sometimes if you ask nice enough she will throw a blurb in there) - im so very fucking biased because i love her to the moon and back, but she writes the best fucking stories of joe that will keep you up all night having you rethinking all of your life choices. IT WAS VERY HARD FOR ME to pick out a story that i wanted to highlight in this post, but the whole reason i fell in love with her writing was because of bookstore!joe and he will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. love you boo

plot: “Joe finds solace in a quaint bookstore, your bookstore, from a hectic situation in the streets. But, you’re closed. But then also, it’s Joseph Quinn.“ from the authors page

echoes (FINISHED, series) - again im so very fucking biased because she is the sweetest person you will have the pleasure of knowing BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT - she writes so fucking beautifully she will literally have you CRY and this will forever and always be my favourite fic of hers. she deserves all the love she gets, and then even more so read it!!!! (she will make you cry its not on me tho)

plot: “When she laid her emotions out for her best friend, the last thing she expected was for him to turn around, walk away and never speak to her again. Years after, they meet again - different people, different feelings. Or are they?” from the authors page

the hideout (FINISHED, oneshot)- this was one of the first fics i read and fell in love with. it was in that timeperiod where all i could do 24/7 was read eddie munson fanfics and this was one of those fics where i went “holy SHIT??” and honestly i dont think there will ever be a time where this isnt just some % on my mind??

plot: “Eddie Munson made it big. Now, when he returns to Hawkins for a hometown concert with his band, he is reminded of the girl he’s been in love with for the past 6 years when Steve Harrington calls.” from the authors page

vintage reeboks (FINISHED) - this is one of those fics where you’re like???? holy shit i wish i’d come up with that?? i remember reading all of this in one day (summertime, sweating very fucking much) and its just?? holy shit its perfect?? the way eddie is in this??? and its something i could never think of would be this perfect?? i swear i think of this fic at least once a day??

plot: “The gate at the bottom of Lover’s Lake was meant to spit the quartet out in the Upside Down. Steve, Nancy, and Robin were meant to be there. He wasn’t meant to be alone. But when Eddie comes to on the shoreline, you’re there. It’s not the Upside Down. It’s not Lover’s Lake. It’s not 1986.” from the authors page

twenty four hours (STILL GOING) - the way this has me in a chokehold?? im a fucking sucker for when fics have a nice layout??? and this is just so pretty to look at?? like whenever i see its been updated my whole body is SHAKING?? i dont even know what to say?? this is just so amazing and the whole?? will they wont they?? i love them?? i want them both to fight with me all night long??? i CANNOT wait to see where this ends

plot: “in which eddie munson and you absolutely hate each other's guts. what happens when your friends make a bet that you can't spend more than twenty four hours consecutively together?” from the authors page

to know you’re mine (FINISHED) - i saw someone talk about this in the “eddie munson x reader” tag, and DEVOURED the chapters that were up in one whole day?? the way eddie is so fucking soft and nice and the best fucking gentleman in this?? and also?? the relationship to steve in this is amazing??? but THE RELATIONSHIP TO EDDIE IS EVEN MORE AMAZING?? such a fucking fantastic author please go EAT all the chapters right now

plot: “You know the rules. You'd been there when your boyfriend, Steve Harrington, discussed them with the others. There are only two.Number one: Only play when everyone's together. Number two: No finishing inside each other's girls.You'd agreed to these rules, same as Chrissy. Same as Eddie.But then there's rule number three, and though it remains unspoken, it's by far the most important. And you have that feeling again, like when you propped yourself up against the barstool, straining to see him on that stage, craning for a glimpse as his husky voice reached inside you. Now, his dark eyes are doing the same thing: pulling at something buried deep, tugging it into the light where it can't be hidden. And, sure, of course, you didn't intend this. But what are intentions in the face of such things? Needless to say, every rule gets broken.” from the authors page

the customer’s always right (STILL GOING) - hehhehe im a hoe for cutie virgin eddie??? but they way she always manages to capture eddie in her fics?? fucking amazing??? and her writing??? yes PLEASE so do yourself a favor on this fine friday AND READ THIS AMAZING FUCKING SERIES because eddie will make you fall in love in this???

plot: “eddie munson is a virgin and doesn’t want anyone to know (because being an adult who’s never fucked anyone is a total reputation ruiner). but you, his favorite customer, are more than willing to change that.” from the authors page

sincerely yours... (STILL GOING) - like i’ve told her before - her eddie is fucking amazing and so very much to the point!! im so excited for this one and cannot WAIT to see where eddies teasing will make him end up!! the last fucking part of this??? amazing

plot: "Untouchable, is what he called you. Dating Jason, the captain of the basketball tea, most would call you the same. Living your holier than thour life, something else he said, you can’t seem to swallow the need to prove him wrong” from the authors page

burn one (FINISHED) - this is just the perfect fucking combination of smutty and sweet??? like this is just how i imagine eddie and this is so fucking sweet and perfect?? had me thinking about this for WEEKS UGH

plot: "When you move to Hawkins to start over, your new unexpected friendship with your weed dealer next door is your saving grace. It was never your intention to fall in love with him though.” from the authors page

Disjointed (STILL GOING) - this fic has me feeling ALL the feels in all the chapters?? makes me GIGGLE, makes me CRY!!!, i’m in love with all the chapters and i CANNOT WAIT to see them live happily every after

also now that i’ve finished, i’ve just realised this is a lovepoem to my favourite authors on this app heheheh im sorry but i DO love you guys. please do go and read their stories, and send them all the fucking love in the world!! they do have so many amazing stories on their masterlist you will not be able to sleep tonight!!!

authors mentioned in this post THAT YOU NEED TO CHECK OUT!!: @icallhimjoey @ghostinthebackofyourhead​ @inknopewetrust @storiesbyrhi​ @ghost-proofbaby​ @blue-mossbird @lovebugism​ @plumxwrites​ @loveshotzz​ @boomhauer

[butt0nzz66]

Part 2 theories

So like everyone I have been brain rotting over part one and the trailer for part 2! I am firmly in the living for the season camp, although would never so no to more Polin lol.

As an anxious girlie (who is equal parts dreading and excited for the LW fallout) that preview gave me heart palpitation's 🫡. So I have been scouring all four corners of the web for spoilers and I have a theory for part 2, leave now to not be spoiled!

I don’t think this clip from the promo is the mirror scene and they are faking us out…. Shocking I know.

So we also see this dress here:

Which some internet sources report is from episode 5 when Colin has a major bust up with Portia and then he takes Pen to see their new house. At which Pen is very emotional because nobody has ever stood up for her before and they ahem… finish what they started in the carriage. 😱😱

Also before anyone says I know the hair is different, however you show me anyone who’s hair stays perfectly in place after having their shit rocked by their sexy pirate fiancé who just ripped ya mum a new one.

This is all supposedly before their wedding and before Colin discovers LW and I don’t think the mirror scene will happen before this point. Which would also make sense as the most anticipated scene I don’t think Netflix would want to spoil it in the trailers, baring maybe the carriage scene which was also noticeably absent from all P1 promo (maybe even more anticipated seeing as it doesn’t happen in the book and is only referenced as boob man Colin’s fantasy (can you blame him)). As well as the connotations of what the mirror scene represents, it doesn’t make narrative sense to put it before she reveals every part of herself to him and he reaffirms that he adores every part of her. At the very least I am manifesting this because I’ll cry if it is before 🙃.

So that being said I think this is a fake out showing their first time in their new home in ep 5 that ISNT the mirror scene which would come in maybe ep 7 or 8 following LW Fallout.

So thanks for coming to my ted talk or better described as a theorising ramble so I don’t loose my actual marbles over the next 4 weeks (I’m at a big old age of 8 and twenty and I can’t be doing with this stress hun okay I have a full time job and responsibilities, I can’t be obsessing like I’m 16 again).

Basically I see you Netflix and if I’m right you are honour bound to let meeeee seeeeee now or pistols at dawn! Or if someone has seen it just dm me a thumbs up so I can at least be smug for the next 25 days.

Thoughts, comments, concerns come freak out with me .

[rzyraffek]

Hi uh feel free to ignore this if you want, I’m really upset and have been crying on and off for the past hour because my older brother is an asshole. I won’t go into details but can you do a male Yautja x reader (she/her pronouns please) like being protective of the reader and defending her because her brother is being mean to her? If that makes sense?

But please don’t feel pressured to do this! I just have a huge Yautja brain rot at the moment lol anyway have a lovely day or night or whatever it is where you are!

My queen i hope u are better now. I really relate man, i did my best to do it good

She/her request open

Yautja with upset s/o

He didnt quite understood, her own Brother? Saying stuff like that? Like yeah yautjas arent really family lovers but they dont ususally argue with their siblings

Yautja will make sure to let her brother know that he is there and he doesnt apriesiate this attitude

He is going to pay more attention to his behiviours and use deadly stare. Hopefully her brother gets the point and stops (yknow 3meter murder Alinen isnt something that average person wants to fight yknow)

But its not about her bother, its abour her. If shes uncomfotable and upset all his focus will go on her. He will deal with the problem later

Will hug her and keep her close. Probably purr and comb her hair

He will try avoid family meetings especially if others dont do anything about it. If she is one of those people Who dont need/want to talk to her family members, he wont mind just yeeting her to ship and leaving this silly planet

If she has any comfort foods/pet/plushie he will litteraly fetch it for her. U sad? Uhhh wheres ur fav *insert whatever u rly want idk*?!?! He will speedrun finding it

If her bro wont stop acting like thet he might have little talk with out alien boo��� very close one with hissing and threatning (dont worry he wont kill him or anything, mostly show off)

Overall 9/10 more focused on her and comforting her than the idea of revange or anger.

I never responded to ask so fast, ily u man i rly relate i hope it will get better(it will)

[typewriter83]

Hi! I've been following your work for some time now, and I think you're such a prolifically skilled writer. I prefer the canon dynamic between Joel and Ellie, and the fact that their relationship has father-daughter themes but isnt purely that, yet also isn't romantic. However, I will dabble in some stories about Joellie and I do find that concept interesting. Just out of curiosity, I was wondering what your thoughts are on one of the OG fics, Flying to Wyoming? I noticed you mentioned it in a previous post listing fics. I know that while it's well-written, it's also considered a rather controversial (and at times, extreme) fic, and for good reason. I'm interested in seeing what other people think.

Oh, hello! First of all, sweet new cub, you’re too kind - I’m so touched that you enjoy my stories. Like sincerely touched. Thank you.

I came into the the TLOU fandom from the show, looking for Joel&Ellie stories, and had no interest in the romantic ship - shh, don’t tell the cubs - but it was fics that drew my attention and curiosity and eventually the brain rot sent in. I’m a fan of the canon dynamics too - minus Ellie’s treatment of Joel in Part 2, but that’s a topic for another day.

But yes, let’s talk about Flying to Wyoming because on the surface, it’s the quintessential Joellie story - discussion below the cut - it’s LONG, so buckle up.

FtW is one of those stories that I should have let lie, should have let it be a one and done, enjoyed it and never gone back. I read the entire 600k word behemoth in less than a week, which means I was speed-reading, skimming and not in great depth and detail. But at the end, those last paragraphs of the final installment, I was crying, like tears flowing down my cheeks and I wandered my house like I’d lost real people in my life. (Am dramatic, didn’t y’all know?)

The basic dynamics of the story are there - a sweeping epic, cross-country survival adventure where a teenaged orphan girl falls in love with her older male protector, one of the first people that’s ever protected her, ever put her first. Much like the canon story, Ellie starts off terrified of Joel and what he might be capable of, and Joel treats Ellie like cargo because he doesn’t want to get close to her and fail yet another that comes into his life. And, honestly, this story could have been a platonic story, 100% it would have worked - even with undertones of a teenager crushing on an older man, it would have worked. But, because of the twist the writer takes, we have a whole different angle that’s being built up to - trust me, guilt-ridden Joel is my bread and butter and there’s a lot of guilt in his inner dialogue. Ellie’s a very curious, horny teenager - which is pretty much on target for the character. I’ve written both these angles, myself, and so have others.

So, what’s my problem with it? It’s a lot. The change in dynamics after the FtW2 - it’s been awhile since I’ve read it, so if I mess up the timeline, that’s on me - Ellie is still 14 when they set out for SLC and the explicit sexual activities ramp up pretty quickly especially at the bed and breakfast. I’m judging here - okay, maybe a little, and I have no place to judge - but that’s a lot for a young teenage girl. My problem with it is simply a matter of opinion - Ellie was so young. Am I a prude? Was I sheltered? Maybe - or maybe it just wasn’t my cup of tea for reading material.

The writer is talented, his depictions of a broken world are brilliantly detailed. His depictions of how states would fight states and the scars left in the earth after battles that took place long before Ellie was born are gorgeously detailed. His descriptions of abandoned and desolate towns along the highways are incredible. Some of my favorite scenes come from their stops along the way, but namely the town at the edge of the Mississippi where they stop for bike repairs - it’s a real bonding moment for Joel & Ellie and the town’s description is vividly painted.

Those are my positive takeaways from the story - the writer draws you in with his depictions of the broken world and it’s part of the draw to the TLOU universe for me as well. The whole idea of two humans walking - or on the back of a bike - across a broken country, it’s just so compelling.

Back to the Joellie aspect of the saga.

It’s made very clear in the final story - which by the way is the best title: The Home at the End of the Road is just a perfect title to describe not only their home once they settle in Jackson, but Jackson itself is their home at the end of their long journey. I could weep - anyway, by the final story, it’s made clear that Ellie is considered an adult by end-of-the-world standards when she turns 16, and Joel is finally ready (at peace?) to give himself completely to her. I didn’t particularly care for the scene itself - it’s not how I would have written it, it’s not what I was looking for or expecting, but we’re not yucking on anyone’s yum here, it just wasn’t it for me.

The story jumps ahead by a good decade and immediately takes a sad, different kind of dark turn - we know Joel is mortal (for some of us, he’s not, but here he is) and the writer spends the last chapter showing that they’ve started a family but Joel’s mortality is this dark cloud over the home at the end of the road.

What I’m about to say next is entirely my opinion - I never had a chance to speak to the writer, he was long gone from ao3 by the time I read this story - this is my opinion. The idea of the war between FEDRA and surrounding communities felt like it was taken straight out of The Walking Dead - I don’t mean that in a bad way, just that it felt out of place for the universe. TWD and TLOU take place in different times beyond the start of their respective outbreaks - TWD is about 15ish years after the outbreak when the show ends and FtW is about 30-35 years after - that’s a big difference. I don’t think there are a lot of big communities out there in the TLOU universe - not like what was depicted in FtW, and an all out war against FEDRA. Again this is just my opinion.

When I set out to write Every Night Has Its Dawn, I wanted the epilogue to be an homage and draw inspiration from the final chapter of Home at the End of the Road. I wanted to show that living at the end of the world could be possible for Joel and Ellie and the family they have together. I was so devastated by FtW ending with not only Ellie losing Joel and one of her children, but then she loses her own life. It was too heartbreaking, and I had another vision.

That’s a lot of fucking rambling to get to the point. The story itself is a good story - the details and the way the Joel/Ellie relationship were written were not my cup of tea and I can see why you say that it’s an extreme example of the forbidden ship. It is. It’s a lot - there’s a lot of graphic descriptions of underage sexual activity, and it’s depraved, a lot of it. Does that make it bad? No, it makes it someone else’s enjoyment. It gives us writers inspiration though - there’s a lot he writes that I strive to write, but there’s a lot that I would change, and maybe did a little to fit into my universe.

Anyway, that’s my long winded take. If you stick around this long, y’all deserve a medal. Drop a line if you wanna add something to this. I would love to discuss more.

🫶🏻

[aqvamoss]

I am doing so bad at having a weekend. I feel like I'm doing bad at having a weekend that I am actually writing a tumblr post, and I dont know if I've every actually written an original tumblr post. Its gonna be a misaligned rant. And I do this knowing my audience is 3 people. I mean fuck I have 16 followers and only recognize people from my hometown or have been through something with, so I know my audience. I am not doing okay. I'm crying typing it. It's just a bad weekend, I've had a great last month. I felt better than I had in the last 4 or more month before that. But I'm really struggling this weekend. I'm trying, I'm working on getting help, and I really dont wanna be drugged again. I just want to feel normal and produce something. I want to do more than take, but I cant do anything for myself. I only do it for other people so I can feel some worth or purpose. And even then I dont fix anything! I cant make anything permanent or stable or reliable or consistent and I can't make a home on rickety foundation! I feel I'm never gonna have somewhere to land or that feels safe or my own or be proud of. I can barely get out of bed somedays, like today. The best I can do is empty a dishwasher. I dont care if that's something, it's not enough. It gets me nowhere, it doesnt move myself forward. I feel like I'm rotting in place and cant find any reason to throw soap on the rot. That's more or less just to say I havent showered in like 5 days. I'm getting more lucid as I write it but I gotta press on with the feeling. I'm crying out all the overwhelming hormones, or at least that's what I tell everyone when I want them to be able to cry in front of me. "Its just your body purging the overflow, they've done studies and looked at tear chemical structures, this is the bodies flush mechanism." Idek if that's true, I say it but did I ever look into it? Did I make it up? I've felt like a lot of things I say lately I dont know where they came from. I've got holes in my brain. Hell maybe even real holes. Depression and genetic dementia, maybe it's getting me early. But all I've done this weekend is rot in my room, nag at myself about the things I should have done, could have done, had the time to do. Make myself a habitat worth holing myself up in. Only done things that minutely benefit the house, the fucking dregs I live with, where we're all suffering one way or another but I try my damnedest to make mine not affect them. This place isnt even safe. I cant feel home here, I can barely host here but it's a goddamn parade for any other fuck that wants to come through. I havent lived with this many people and felt this alone since I moved to grand rapids. I've lost the plot, all I can think about is I cant keep falling any further. I'm not moving up or even moving past things. I dont know where I'm going, where I'm supposed to go, or what's gonna be there if I get there. Is it worth going? Would any of YOU go out not know what the plan is? Just leave the house because you're told that's where things are going to happen? Okay where, with who, how long, and what happens, and WHY? I cant figure out why I'm doing anything other than it keeps me fed, it keeps the Bill's at bay, it keeps me from going crazy but makes me crazy in other ways. None of it feels right and I dont know what the right feeling is or how to feel it. It could shove itself down my throat and I wouldnt know any better because I'm broken and numb to good things. If I've felt anything today it's been the verge of a panic attack. It's been loneliness and exasperation. And the only thing I can do to make any moves forward is to go take a shower and hope to God that sets me back to zero.

[tearstoshed4ever]

and the good news is i now have a surrgate mother to

"your mother's right, you know? We all will meet again in heaven." Lydia said softly.

(sorry didn't see that last one.)

yes she is

" you do? Who is she?" Henry be asked curiously.

but hopefully u wont get there for a long time lyds

emily bit her lip not knowing how to expin

"Well...you see...she's a spider. Her name is Widow." Emily began. She didn't know anything else to say but the truth

she bared herself for his reacton

"oh. A um...spider. how extraordinary," Henry said, wondering if his daughter had gone mad. But Lydia knew better. "So, you can talk to talk to animals now, Emmy? Because you're um.." "Dead, yes. I can talk to all creatures now. It's one of the perks I guess, hehe." Emily laughed nervously

she knew lyda would understand

and my father is a maggot who lives in my head

she said awardly

"outrageous! Tell him to get out!" Henry gasped, not liking the thought of a maggot living in his daughter. "No, it's okay Papa. I like him there. I know he's always with me." Emily explained

in fact i love him as much as u

theyve both helped me so much

"I'm so glad, Emily. You must thank them for me. Tell them to keep up the good work." Henry smiled

i will she smiled back

she wished he could meet them but knew it would be a bad idea

Jul 16, 2021 6:27 PM

Maggot would ruin whatever confidence her father had in her care. She had to give Henry some sort of relief

yes

widow would be far more resopvite

but a taking spider might break his brain

So, she left meeting her guardians out of it, hoping that talking about them in a good light would ease her father's mind

as well as hoping there feelings wouldnt be hurt again when they found out

Yes, balancing her guardians was always difficult

yes

she still felt guitly about earler

and still found herself missing her mother

Jul 16, 2021 11:51 PM

"Soon," she told herself. "One day soon we'll all be together."

and as she thought this she felt soft lips press down on the crown of her head

"Mother..." Emily smiled, feeling warmth for the first time in a year

Yes darling id never miss your bday

came emilys gentle vocie

Jul 17, 2021 9:00 PM

hi

Jul 18, 2021 11:27 PM

(hi. Sorry I was very busy yesterday) "Oh, mother. I'm so glad you're here." Emily beamed, trying not to cry

Jul 19, 2021 11:56 AM

emily appered and drew her daugt into her arms

just let it out sweetheart

she cronned stroking her hair

"Emily? Emily what's wrong? What's happening? Have you left us?" Henry asked, struck that his daughter no longer spoke with them but he could hear her crying

its momma shes here emily sobbed

E-Emily? My Emily!?" Henry stammered. "Where? Please, my love! show yourself! I've missed you so!"

plz momma go to him hes sufferd so much he cant see me cause im all blue and rotting but u still look normel

emily begged

Jul 19, 2021 9:45 PM

"He'll see us both. In spirit, you are still yourself, Emily. Young and beautiful." Her mother said and Emily felt a warm floating feeling as her spirit lifted from her body and out of the grave. She appeared with her mother, shining specters in front of Henry and Lydia.

she hoped agaist hope that she could still toch and feel in this from

She would soon find out. Before she knew it, Henry rushed towards them. "My...my Emily! My darling girls!" Henry sobbed, embracing them. Luckily his arms didn't go straight through them. They were cold and not exactly solid, but still it was a hug.

emily burst into tears and clug to him like a baby

oh daddy i never thought id see u again

she sobbed

for a moment she was actally gratful that she wasnt in her body cause she was sure all her tears would mak her eye pop out

but on the other hand she felt guitly for hiding behind another mask

shed already been wearing one for a year

while shed been self couse at first she now wanted him to see and embrace the real her

daddy this isnt what i look like anymore

she sniffled

i want u to see the real me

momma put me back in my body

Jul 20, 2021 12:41 AM

hi

hi! Sorry I was working on some of my own writing.

"If that's what you want, my darling." Her mother said. with a thought, the magic was gone, placing Emily's soul back into her body and showing Henry and Lydia what she truly looked like. They both gasped at the sight, but they were not afraid.

this is what that bastred did to me

"Oh Emily..." Seeing it all made Henry sick with anger and sadness. " My poor girl!"

she rn back into his arms again

this time the hug was toally solid

though still cold

She couldn't feel him either, now that her mother's blessing was removed

she began to to cry in frutern and willed herself to feel him

plz i realy need this im never gonna see him again after this till i cross over

she whimpered

Just then, she could almost feel it, the feeling coming in weakly

encournred she forsced

hard

"I...I can feel you. Daddy! I can really hug you now!" Emily beamed, feeling warmth surrounding her.

she hugged him as hard as she and buried her face in his shoulder weeping with joy

"Wonderful, my dear. I'm so glad. How I've longed to comfort you," Henry sobbed, holding his little girl in his arms again.

momma lyds get over here

emily saied holding out her other arm

Lydia and Emily's mother rushed over, joining the group hug

neastled in the warm cirle of her familys arms for the final time

It was the best birthday present he could ever ask for

*she

yes

the end

[noritoshiikamo]

this is how you fall in love

pairing: kuroo tetsuroo + fem!oc genre: friends into lovers fluff with slight suggestive end tags//warning: nothing major // slight suggestive at the end if you squint enough note: the obligatory trio of mine: not well edited, lowercase intended, english isnt my first language im sorry if i murder it. o wow look ive been posting back to back, ive been writing nonstop lately watch me ghost my stories in few weeks guys my brain = rotting, plus lately ive been feeling emotionally abuseddrained so i need something fluffy

listen to this is how you fall in love by jeremy zucker + chelsea cutler for maximum feels

“you’re a lifesaver.”

kuroo huffed, eyes rolling back with a small laugh as he unlaced his sneakers and slipped the room slipper on. it was odd to see the gymnasium without any nets or balls sprawled around. the gym has been closed for a week now in preparation for the upcoming open school event and currently under the art club’s jurisdiction. under her jurisdiction with her canvases and paints and it pained him to see her ruining his sacred place. he carried two plastic bags and holding two boba teas in the same hand. he wasn’t sure which one she was more excited for; the boba, the paints she made him ran to an art supply shop or him. she reached out, the bobas in his hand exchanged as she settled it on the floor, and she squealed at the sight of the plastic bag. he frowned.

yup, not him.

tins of different colors of paint that she ran out mid painting that she forgot to buy had her dialing his number and now it’s all here. all thanks to kuroo tetsuro. she grimaced at the price tags; it was costly than her usual one. usually, she would’ve gotten her supplies online, but desperate measure calls for desperate solution. she could always claim her expenses with the club. typical kuroo, she huffed. he always preached about getting the best, not minding the price tags but she’ll be the victim of his nonstop complaining that he’s getting broke every single day. she tucked a stray hair back and mentally counted how much she owed the man as she arranged the tins on the table.

kuroo noticed that look; same look she had when they are in the math class and he clicked his tongue, “tch, you’re not paying.”

“i’m reimbursing you with the club money,” she shook her head and reached for her bag, “please kuroo, it’s so expensive.”

he reached for her wrist and she dropped the tote bag as he invaded her space. kuroo rested the palm of her hand right above his heart, his own around the waist and another under her chin as he tilted her chin up. his heartbeat was erratic, and she flushed. “it’s okay,” he said, softly. her lips formed into a small pout and he fought the urge to just kiss her.

their dynamic is something even kenma couldn’t figure it out.

they weren’t exactly dating. they are friends, close friends, and classmates. it has always been him, her and occasionally yaku; creating the chaotic duo/trio of class 5. they both played volleyballs, both captains while he’s the middle blocker, she’s their female team’s setter. they knew a lot of each other’s friends from other schools; he was the reason why she dated akaashi keiji from the first place. it was selfish of kuroo to admit to bokuto a month after they started dating that he disliked the idea of them together. typical kuroo is no longer snarky, he felt lost, felt like he was losing his other half. so, he confided to his close friend, the simpleton ace.

“you didn’t make any moves, kuroo, you can’t blame them.”

bokuto noted as them both stared at the two setters, playing around the fallen cherry blossoms. bokuto never seen akaashi smiled that much and kuroo could only wished that she smiled the same way to him. kuroo stared at the half bitten onigiri he’d been holding, suddenly every bite he took tasted bitter. every trace of akaashi on her gave him bitter taste. she liked wearing akaashi’s jersey; kuroo longed to see her in his own numbered jersey; she’s his number one after all. her own jersey number is as same as akaashi. it’s not like kuroo could hate anything he did; he treated her well. akaashi was a perfect boyfriend and everyone knew. that’s why kuroo hates him; he gave him no reason to hate the dude. it didn’t last long however, they drifted apart 6 months later, sending her to kuroo’s doorstep soaked in rain.

he stared at her soaked figure with no thoughts in mind.

“he dumped me,” she said, voice hoarse and shivering.

he was alone and was about to leave for kenma’s, but he couldn’t leave her alone. dropping his keys on the small table by the door, he threw his jacket back in the closet. “come in,” he whispered, pulling her figure in. dropping her bag on the floor, she clutched on his sleeves as she kicked off her soaking shoes. “i’m sorry, my mom isn’t home and i can’t find my keys,” she was a blabbering mess and he hushed her. he left her for a few minutes, coming back with a steaming towel and a clean shirt and pants. “it’s from the dryer. you can borrow my sister’s clothes,” grabbing her hands, they ran upstairs where he took her to the bathroom. she was too quiet, so he called her name. when she looked up to him, her eyes were red. she was no longer crying, more confused and upset. her cheeks flushed and he could see her teeth chattering. he wished nothing but to throw his fist at the man. finally, he got a reason to square up the stoic man; he always hates the way nothing could riled up akaashi.

“he’s stupid for doing you like this.”

she shook her head, “it’s nobody’s fault.”

“then stop blaming yourself,” he ruffled her hair, a small smile appeared from the corner of her lips as she watched him disappeared closing the door behind him. he left her with the hot water running, urgently grabbing the mop and bucket from the kitchen, and wiping the trail of her soaked feet has left before it could ruin the wooden floor.

cant come over, busy, ill tell u later

kuroo texted kenma. the pudding head left him on read.

they spend the night together, sitting on the floor with pillows pilling against the end of the bed as they sat in arms. he had his tv opened to one of the late-night game show. they sat in silence, her head rested on his shoulder and her lips pressed into a tiny line. at the corner of his eyes, he could see her phone’s notifications blaring despite being on mute. the number isn’t saved but it was familiar. she deleted his number already, probably out of rage, but it’s a good step.

tell me where you want me to drop your stuff im sorry i hope youre okay y/n? i heard it was storming did you make it back home? give me a call im calling you okay?

just as like what the message stated, the unknown number called her. it startled her which startled him too. she stared down on the screen, he noticed the grip on the phone and wondered how the phone did not break yet. “can you answer it for me?” she said, holding the phone out to the black-haired man. shocked, he took the phone and pressed the green button. he pressed the phone to his ear and heard her name being called.

“hey man,” kuroo cleared his throat, “listen-”

“she’s with you?” the voice- akaashi asked.

looking down on the girl who was pretending to not have any interest in the call at all, eyes focused on the gameshow, kuroo sighed.

“she is. listen, i think you should leave her alone.”

“kuroo, i know about your feelings. for her. bokuto-san told me about it. if you think that this is the proper way to get her when she’s vulne-”

kuroo bit the inside of his cheeks. he was offended that akaashi dared to call him out like that. “so, what? she made her pick,” the girl turned to face him, brows up wondering what they are talking about.

“that’s low, even for you, kuroo-san.”

their eyes met. he didn’t even realize how deep the cut on his palm where he had balled his fingers into a fist until she touched it. he calmed down. “you hurt her. you have no right to say what’s low or not. be a bigger man, leave her alone,” he muttered flatly, before ending the call. they didn’t break eye contact until he realized what he had done.

“i-i shouldn’t have done that.”

she shook her head, “stop blaming yourself,” a small smile on her face.

that was 3 months ago.

kuroo had made moving on easy for her. akaashi and her remained friendly, although kuroo noticed that she tended to avoid him when possible. the breakup was indeed mutual, but merely on the fact that he lost feelings. akaashi had fallen out of love with her and in love with some other girl but who was she to judge when she was falling in love with the rooster head in silence. they still hang out with bokuto and akaashi but rarely with the latter.

she made him apologized to the fukurodani’s setter too and they remained on friendly term, still practiced together whenever they have training camps together where akaashi had admitted one training night that kuroo and her looks better together. kuroo didn’t say anything, not that he knew what to reply to that (his mind scream fuck yeah we do) but shrugged at his statement. “i guess dating her made you less pain in the ass, kuroo-san,” akaashi joked as they resumed the game.

kuroo was pulled back to reality when he felt his lips brushed against something. his eyes widened when he realized what it was. a quick kiss from her. he blinked frantically, trying to comprehend what had just happened which caused the girl to laugh. “did you just?” he asked confused by what had just happened which she nodded. she bit her bottom lip to hold herself from bursting into a laugh. “god, you should see your face. it’s so stupid. and every girl called you the playboy captain huh?”

he huffed and rolled his eyes, “i am not. i’ve been loyal to one girl for many years now, she is the one who hasn’t notice me at all,” he faked his pout, refused to look her directly in the eyes, praying that she wouldn’t notice his reddening cheeks.

“she must’ve been so stupid,” she teased, her nose rubbing gently against his jawline as she rested her figure against his closer. his chin rested against her head.

“she is,” he looked down on her, his arms around her waist tighter, “i don’t think she knows this but if she leaves me, i think i’ll be so broken inside. is it selfish to say that?” a small frown appeared on her face.

“i don’t think she ever talked about leaving you.”

a grin grew on his face, “so you know who i’m talking about huh?” she fell into his trap. she rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out, calling him stupid. he studied her face, his grin softened into what yaku and his volleyball team called the kuroo is stupidly in love with y/n but refused to admit face. his fingers ran into her hair which she had been growing out in few months down to her shoulder because she thinks that he likes her better that way. the way she tried to subtly put on make up to look better that the other girls who’s shamelessly flirting with him. she was too stupid to realize that he had loved her beyond that.

he loves the rough pads on her hands from holding her paintbrushes and volleyball. he loves that she works hard for everything she’s doing be it studying, volleyball or arts, she would put her blood, sweat and tears into it. he loves that she would wait for him to buy lunch so they can eat together in class. he would buy her a box of milk which she insisted that she doesn’t need too; but he convinced it would be good for her. he wants the best for her.

he loves that all the missing clothes he’s complaining about is in the back of her closet or on her. his cream hoodie hanging behind her closet door, his random pile of t-shirts in a basket on the floor of her closet that he liked to left beside the mix pile of her shoes and his one big ass nike shoes. her room isn’t messy, it is because she kept the messiness in her closet. she also like to keep random stuff of him too. the one medal he won from a science fair hung on the headboard of her bed, the misshapen looking hand wax sculpture of their hands intertwined from a funfair where she rested a purikura of them on it and a lucky bamboo plant he gave on her birthday to compromise on the no gift rule.

“for luck,” he grinned.

unlike hers, he kept her item neatly in his drawer. your spare shirts that he borrowed and refused to return, extra towel and her toiletries, some of her drawing blocks and a small cat shaped pouch where she kept her allergies medication. mostly hidden because his annoying friends come over often and would accidentally talk about it in front of his grandparents. but, on his bedside table, he has a cup of pencils by the bed where he collected the art supplies she left behind, random markers and paintbrushes, a clay sculpture of a trinket plate she made from art club (she carved a tiny letter k in the corner beside the obvious looking genitalia drawing) and a fake plant which she was sure he will not be able to kill it.

he loves it when she wore his jersey. he lost his mind when he found out that her current season number is the same as his. he’s in love. the first time he saw her in his jersey, the number one jersey on her body was during their training. he lost concentration; mouth hung a bit. he got so flustered that he let lev served the ball straight to his head. usually, lev would be dead by now, but he doesn’t mind. his nose bled but to see her kneel beside him, clutching on his own shirt screaming how stupid he is, wiping the blood away with towel, he could only say how pretty she looked. all his teammates were startled, her included. she clutched on his collar angrily; her knees stung from when she leaped down to his side, but this idiot could only smile at her with a bloody nose. “you are fucking idiot,” she cried out angrily, pushing him away before throwing the towel on his face leaving the pleased third year laying on the floor.

he loves the way she would find a way to impress him, be it as ridiculous as the halloween costume idea she had where they’ll go as the front and end of a horse or as serious as the submitted college application to the same university he had gotten into. “you are not getting rid of me that easily, tetsu,” the evil look on her face as she clicked the submit button send shivers down his spine.

“if you leave, i think i’ll cry,” he confessed, his smile slowly died.

“kuroo tetsuro is going to cry after me?” she teased. he nodded eagerly. “does kuroo tetsuro realized that we are literally moving into the same university? i couldn’t catch a break from him,” she faked her annoyance which he playfully avenged by sending her on the floor laughing as he tickled her. tears trickled down her cheeks as she begged him to stop, screaming to get away from his grip. “please, kuroo, i’m going to pee if you don’t stop!” he obliged, tears prickled the corner of his own eyes from laughing too much. straddling her waist, he gathered her wrists in one hand over her head. “apologize and said that kuroo tetsuro is the best man in your life or i swear i’ll make you pee,” he threatened her playfully, wiggling the fingers of his free hand close to her waist. her eyes widened in fears.

“that’s not fair!”

“apologize first.”

“fine!” she pouted, “i’m sorry, i won’t make fun of you again. now get off me!”

he raised his eyebrow, “andddd?”

“annddd-” a teasing smile appeared on her face as she said the next 5 words that send him to mars and back; “i love you kuroo tetsuro.”

he froze in shock. he heard the words before but never in this way; never for him.

finally, i think i got the calculation, love you yaku! lev you’re adorable but so stupid, i love it! thank you for letting me borrow your game, kenma. you’re the best, love ya!

the grip on her wrists loosened. taking advantage of his shock state, she pushed him back, straddling him by the waist, pinning his own hands above his head, giving him the taste of his own medicine. “i’m not going to leave your sorry ass, tetsu. i hope you don’t regret it,” she leaned down, capturing his lips with a longer kiss. letting go of his wrist, her hand went immediately into his rooster hair while another cupped his cheek, deepening their kiss. she could feel his cold palm resting against her bare waist and she shuddered. between the kisses, he heard her whispering his name. “kuroo, do you love me too?” she asked so innocently with kisses between the words but the way she grabbed a handful of his hand in a fist felt so dirty, eliciting a strangled moan from the back of his throat. she pulled back, staring down on his eyes as his lips moved.

“i love you too.”

nothing in his hazel eye but sincerity. he groaned when she pulled herself out of his reach, missing her warm body as she laughed. straightening her sweater back, pulling her hair back up into a tighter ponytail before she picked up the paintbrush she dropped. the paintbrush left a white stain on the court. as if kuroo wasn’t here, whimpering underneath her a minute ago, she continued her work. “i need to finish the mural by this week and you’re not exactly helping me,” she warned him, pointing the wet brush his direction. through the corner of her eyes, he was propped on his elbows, still staring at her, causing her to blush profusely. it annoyed him that she would tease him, then leaving him high and dry. before she could crack open the new paint tin, he ignored her warning as he tackled her back into his arms.

breathless against her lips, he told her to continue later. the urgency and rawness of his voice made her putty immediately. looking up the man, she pouted her lips.

“kuroo-san,” she whined as he captured her bottom lips.

he elicited a soft moan from the girl. he grinned against her lips. a hand rested firmly beside her head while another snaked under the sweater. there will be bruise tomorrow, she was sure of it, he will make sure of it.

“it will be quick, baby. i promise.”

she has no objection.

[bitchfitch]

Aleistar and Haze with grey to multi-coloured? :O (i am just really fond of the grey to multi-colored for some reason)

this one was just Sweet, Tooth Rotting, just Absolutely Delectable and it has Killed me.

zjsnnsnsns thank you for the prompt!

A Blue Armchair

There was a blue armchair in Aleistar's living room. It was his chair, more sonthan any of the others in his home. It was where he had gone to relax and read or to watch the city far below from his window for almost a decade now. A home within a home.

It was a blue armchair, but he only knew it was blue because the clerk at the furniture store had assured him it was blue when he bought it.

Aleistar had never really bemoaned the lack of color in his life. As far as he was concerned color didn't matter. Simply put, he'd never once in his 56 years of life seen color, so he couldn't exactly miss it. Couldn't morn it, or really notice that it wasnt there. He knew he was lacking color, of course he did, he saw it in the art works made to only be viewable by those who had found their soul mates, and he saw it in, as he got older, how everyone around him would look at him with some passive pitty. How his friends stopped inviting him out so that he might meet someone who would show him color, and how people had begun to whisper about him when they thought he wasn't listening.

Of course there were millions of people who never saw color, who's soulmates died before they met, or who died before they could bring color to their own soulmate, or who just never had one. 

For a while he had fancied himself one of the last types. He wasn’t a warm and caring man and he'd never felt the draw to find his other half that everyone described. But those types always said they felt complete as they were, that even without a soulmate they were truly happy. 

Aleistar thought he was one of them until he broke down, drunk and crying against his best friends shoulder. He didn’t remember much, of what he said the next day, just that now that he'd accidentally picked open this wound it was seeping constantly. 

///

Leonard had handed him the book as a joke. 

It was old and bound in a musty smelling leather but its pages were pristine. Leo said it's title translated something like "Desperation and Victory" but Aleistar couldn't make it out on the books front. The lettering was the same value as the leather it was printed on, and something about that felt like it was meant to be an insult.

///

He almost made it a week before he read the book for the first time. 

He sat in his old armchair that the clerk at the furniture shop had told him was blue, and put his feet up on his coffee table which was a deep brown according to Leo, and flicked through the pages that he suspected would be yellow if they weren't just as grey as everything else. 

///

The book had made it sound so effortless to trade his soul for the chance to have everything he could ever want. It listed wealth and riches and beauty or talent as examples of what someone might ask for, but all he wanted was to meet his soulmate. 

A fancy circle here and a few drops of blood there, and boom he'd have a demon who could find them for him. 

Was it worth it though? Was giving up his soul to meet someone he was already fated to meet worth it?

///

A month passed. he was 57 now.

Fifty-seven. 

That number hurt to think about. He wasn’t old old yet, but he had three years until his planned retirement, and an average of maybe eighteen more to follow, if he was lucky.

///

He spent a lot of nights crying in the armnchair he was told was blue with the book he thought of as yellow in his lap. He still remembered how badly he had wanted a family when he was young. Two kids. He'd always wanted two because it felt right to him. If they were both conceived today he was likely to be dead before they would be old enough to share a drink together at his favorite bar. 

Had he truly wasted his life? Had he let himself become so comfortable with the grey that he let a lifetime of color pass him by? 

He was 57. His college classmates were all probably starting to welcome grandchildren now. 

He was 57 and hed already been invited to so many funerals.

He dreaded that he might have already missed his soulmate's.

///

Aleistar habitually took notes at work, always had, but now they were more summoning circles than to-do lists.

///

He was 57, and he didn't care about having a soul anymore, because he desperately needed to find his soulmate and knew he would do whatever he needed to do to make that happen. 

///

The flash of the circle igniting all at once almost made him regret this decision. 

For a moment all that his senses could take in was the stark white light followed by a blurred buzzing of sensation as he struggled back onto his feet after having been thrown by the force of the demon entering his home. 

He was older, and his joints creaked under him as he finally got eyes on the hell beast who would own his soul in a scant few minutes.

He met the demon's eyes across the boundaries line of his summoning circle, his body going tight and rigid as the demon stared right back at him.

The demon's eyes were black and round and open wide. His lips were also black, and his teeth a sharp white where they showed in the slight gape mouthed expression the demon wore. The grey scale that Aleistar knew so well, that he had been so comfortable with for all these years, could hold only the demon's eyes and lips and teeth within itself.

Aleistar had heard that when someone finally found their soul mate they would be able to name one or two colors wothout being told what they were.

Maybe thats why he knew the demon's hair was blue. Deep dark blue. Like the sky at midnight if all the stars blinked out of existence. The ring around the demon's neck, along with its counter parts around his horns, and upper arms, and thighs had to be gold. True pure gold that could buy out everything he had ever owned and still be only a tiny fraction of the way through it's value.

Blue and gold were the colors he could name, Blue for the demons hair and lashes, gold for his markings, But the paled so much next to the color of the demon's skin. Warm and strange and beyond inhuman. Decadent, and bold and rare. and so... magic. So very magical. The color of this demon's skin would be his favorite from now on, and nothing would ever manage to compare to it again.

Nothing would ever again manage to compare to the demon who was slowly standing from where he had been knelt. The corners of his lips were up turned in a way that was almost a smile, more disbelieving than joyous but well on its way towards that destination.

"Hello-" the demon tried to speak, his voice smooth and low as he blurred at the edges, like a fog cloud barely forced into the shape of a man, but his voice cought in his throat as he swirled around the circle, to just look at everything, "Did… Did everything just get very… colorful for you?" the demon asked with a weak but hopeful smile as he pressed his hands up against the invisible boundry between them.

Aleistar thought he'd be scared to approach a demon, that this part would make his stomach turn. But he took the demon's hands in his own without hesitation and without flinching at the feeling of his soft and hell hot skin burning his own just that little bit.

Oh the demon was beautiful, not just his colors that felt so unearthly after of a lifetime of grey, but his fine and delicate features that buzzed around the edges like he might vanish if Aleistar stopped looking at him. 

Aleistar wanted to speak, wanted to say Something to the demon, but he was still struck dumb by the boiling joy and wonder in his own chest that bubbled over everything he met the demon's eyes again.

Some faint part of Aleistar's brain told him he should be panicked about how just holding this demon's hands made all the colors that much more intoxicatingly vibrant. That he shouldn't be on the verge of tears or laughter in this moment because all these colors could mean only one thing

"The silent type huh? Are you broody too?" the demon tried to joke before he caught himself even as his delicat fingers held onto Aleistar's a little tighter, "Oh, uh, the contract. You summoned me because you want me to find you your soulmate right? Uhm," the demon smiled and Aleistar knew he was grinning too. 

Finally, Aleistar understood all those people hed seen collide in the middle of the walkway. Desperate to just touch and hold their other half after far too long separated from them.

"Wow, ok, so I knew I was exceptionally good at my job, but this is a new record for me," The demon babbled on, "Uhm, I- You see the colors too right? I'm not just going crazy, and this is real, right?"

"It is, I- It really is isnt it?" Aleistar was laughing softly and he didn't know why, but the demon was laughing too now and pulling him closer and past the edge of the circle.

The book had been very specific about never being in the circle with an un named demon, said that the demon could use all sort of tricks against you if you made that mistake, but this one seemed perfectly content to just press up against him while burrying his face in the fabric of Aleistar's shirt. Still holding his hands and still chucking something that was almost a hiccups as he sought out his soulmate's touch.

Aleistar wrapped his arms around the demon, around his soulmate just to hold him close for the moment it took them both to stop giggling like school boys. There was something impossibly grounding about holding the demon, something that made him determined to never let his soulmate go

The demon's cute little horns bumped up against his chin every time either of them moved and there was something just immensely endearing about that to Aleistar, so he pressed a kiss to one, marveling at how his skin buzzed from such a little touch before doing it again and again until he was peppering his soulmate's face with kisses that carried all the emotions he couldn't put into words.

"I still need to make a contract with you," his soulmate said after Aleistar tried to kiss him properly for the first time, "I- I've already found you your soulmate, so you're going have to ask for something else… Something that will take very long for me to deliver on so I dont have to leave you," He looked up from where he was still pressed against Aleistar's chest, those coal black eyes so hopeful.

"Be mine," Aleistar said without thinking, "Stay with me and just- Just be mine," smiling this much was starting to hurt, "Please," he cupped either side of the demon's face in his hands to tilt him up just that little bit more, "Please," he repeated again, his breath tight and nervous in his chest like he was just a school boy confessing to his crush under the slide, light and nervwracking and desperate for things he didn't fully understand yet.

The demon grinned and nodded, "Give me a name and it will be done," his hands braced against Aleistar's chest, his fingers tangling in the fabric as he tried to ground himself there. 

Aleistar nodded and took a breath just to steady himself enough to not stutter. He remembered all the ways you could name a demon that the book had listed, all the ways you could bind one to yourself and all the ways those ways could fail, but there was only one he had any interest in trying in that moment.

"Haze," he said, a single syllable to describe his soulmate completely, it was all he needed. If the fervor with which Haze kissed him the moment the his new name was spoken was anything to go off of, then Aleistar felt confident in assuming he'd chosen correctly.

When they finally slowed to let Aleistar catch his breath after minutes of heavy petting and being too needy to let the other more than an inch or two away, they were sat in an armchair that Aleistar didn't need to be told was blue anymore.

[gayspock]

SEARCH FOR SPOCK LETS GO GO GO GO

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU OPEN WITH THIS SHUT UP THE WOUND IS STILL SO RAW I CANT TAKE IT

- IT BEING ALL WASHED IN BLUE AND SLOWLY COMING INTO COLOUR AS JAMES RECOUNTS HIS PARITNG SPEECH TO SPOCK ENOUGH I AM 21 YEARS OLD NOW YOU CANNOT REDUCE ME LIKE THIS IM GOING TO HAVE A FUCKIGN MOMENT

- sincerely i think im just too emotional today i truly am i have been for a while and i knew i was going to be rough today hence why im watching this (to cope) and yet despite knowing this im like screaming at myself for tearing up at the title sequence girl literally get a grip!

- you’re telling me im incapable of coping also, kirk, im going to lose my mind here

- “we paid with our dearest blood” he rellalty is dear isnt he. spock come back im sick of it. 

- big fan of this butt ugly alien dog that keeps snarling and looks so so bad but what a good boy. what a good puppy. mwah!

- AND IF MY GRANDMOTHER HAD WHEELS, SHE’D BE A BIKE!

- everyone obsessed with spock’s death yeah we all are, kirk, im fucking going cazy im losing my mind and i know the man isnt even dead and whoevers in his god damn quarters . GOD.

- also chekov just randomly speaking russian to scotty and scotty beinglike “what” and chekov doing it again me too

- bones is bones okay my king bones are you literally okay

-  i have been thinking for a while as i am one to do and i dont know ive always wanted a tattoo and stay with me here im thinking if i ever want one i have to sit with the idea for at least 2 years (since if i were to get one, i’d have to sit with it longer for that) and all these shots of the enterprise.... well. im being convinced moreso every day. no im not kidding this shit has rotted my brain severely

- sincerely though this has been the most ive felt in a while and god i love little liveblogs my little admission here i just like to feel a little less lonely watching movies dont you girlies

- are david and saavik going to be a thing. i think thats cute honestly bless their hearts. also kirk boys have a type i guess

- THE LOOKS THEYRE ALL BRINGIGOIDJGISJFHSJFHJSHJSHHGD. KIRK THE OUTFIT LOOKS LIKE IT SELLS FOR AN ARM AND A LEG ON DEPOP.  sulu im also like alarmed i love sulu’s outfit personally like king shit. BUT KIRK. LIKE I MEAN, YOUR PERFORMANCE WAS FINE, SHATNER: I BELIVED, FULLY, THAT KIRK WAS HAVING A MIDLIFE CRISIS. BUT ALL OF THAT PALES IN COMPARISON TO THIS OUTFIT. YOU COULD HAVE JUST ROCKED IN WEARING THIS, DAY 1, AND I WOULD BE LIKE AHA YUP MAN’S LOST  IT

- SAREK?

- KIRK, YOU BOYFRIEND’S DAD CAME TO FUCKING YELL AT YOU. HOW IS IT GOING MAN.

- this scene . . okay . okay (breathes) no offence but sarek getting kirk to relive it all and kirk almost crying and whispering no. now hang on girls.  (starts pacing around)

- NOT to unpack but sarek assuming that spock, rightfully, entrusted everything he was and everything he knew with kirk’s mind... that in his dying moments, spock would give it all to kirk.... okay. hang on. fuck off.

- “what you ask is difficult” kirk dont give me that horseshit and pretend like you’re dragging your feet, here. dont act coy. we know DAMN well the number of times and the amount of bullshit you’ve done to save both spock and bones and what they both have also done

“but if spock has an eternal soul, then it is my responsibility.” “yours?” “as surely as if it were my very own” LITERALLY OKAY THEN!

- AGAIN WITH THE OUTFITS. JIM WHAT YOU’RE WEARING IS SO CLOSE TO BEING OKAY BUT ITS ATROCIOUS. MEANWHILE IM A LITTLE OBSESSED, PERSONALLY, WITH CHEKOV AND SULU’S MATCHING LEATHER NUMBERS. GENTLEMEN. (NODS POLITELY... RESPECTFULLY)

- personally im actually all for mccoy/spock hybrid going to a bar .

- no hang on NO IM OBSESSED WITH THE MCCOY/SPOCK FUSION NONSENSE. “WHERE’S THE LOGIC IN OFFERING ME A RIDE HOME, IDIOT?” THAT’S PIRCELES TO ME. ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS.

- people say this about me in both the gay way and the mentally ill way and well that’s also the same with spoccoy (which is what im lovingly calling the fucked up trifle their brain is right now)  so well

- has.

- has star trek sworn before this?

- not sure why but this took me out in that sense LIKE DID MCCOY EVER SAY BITCH BEFORE THIS. AM I LOSING IT. AM I. SINCERELY. BECAUSE IT TOOK ME OUT. BITCH? BITCH? MCCOY, DID YOU JUST CALL SPOCK A BITCH?

- here’s the thing stay with me here . there are so, so few characters i headcanon as specifically not-gay do you know what i mean. and even now i say this that as a JOKE, and not really seriously: because the only reason why im here for straight sulu, is because i think it’s very funny to imagine tos sulu as straight, given how they specifically made him gay in aos and george takei was like “i sincerely wish you didnt.” like i do find that very funny. personally. but all of that being said, i reiterate i say that mostly in jest because right now... sulu, the outfit. the vibes. so immaculate. unparalleled.

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it’s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix) 

[sgsjdgshsg]

Had a pretty shitty day ngl. I had a 6.5 hour lab and broke down approximately 2 hours in because I’m a dumbass and I don’t know how to do anything required for any of my classes. So anyway this lab was a classic pendulum lab and that part was fine but I don’t know how to do any of the uncertainty measurements and error analysis the way my professor wants me to and so I am probably not gonna pass this class either. I broke down crying as soon as I turned it in because I know it’s terrible like I know the formulae are wrong and the graphs are bad and the analysis is poorly written and just badly done. But anyway my dad kind of scolded me because I don’t study enough and my mother tried to comfort me and it was working really well until she also yelled at me to do more and like yea you’re right but now isnt a great time

So anyway my sister calms me down and then my mother gets me worked up again and then everyone goes to have dinner and I decide to take a boiling hot shower and just sit on the floor of the shower crying and watching Jenna marbles and when I get out I finally feel a little better and so I get into bed and then my parents have finished dinner and so they come into my room to wish me good night and my dad is still scolding me and my mother is exasperated because I haven’t done what she asked me to

And like

I know I’m not studying enough

I don’t put enough effort into this I know

I need to put way more effort into my classes but I literally can’t stay awake to follow them

And it doesn’t matter how much I sleep I still can’t stay awake for my classes as soon as my professor starts talking it’s like it puts me to sleep

And even if I manage to stay awake I get distracted

Even by doing other productive things like we’ll be looking through chapter 4 notes and I have a question about something so I flip through the book and next thing I know I’m reading about the invention of language and the ancient Phoenicians and I don’t know how it happened

And so I try again to pay attention and if I don’t fall asleep then I keep trying so hard to focus that I distract myself by telling myself to focus

And really all I want to do is sleep and sit around watching videos, scrolling through insta and playing video games rotting my brain away but I can’t because I need to study but I can’t study and

I don’t know how to go on in a productive way because this isn’t it chief

[janetbrown711]

"oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my-" Hazel and Selena 😄

"oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my-" Hazel grabbed her chest as it began to ache from breathing so heavily. Her mind swirled as she looked around and felt slowly impending doom surround her."C'mon follow me. We can climb up that tree," Selena grabbed her cousin and quickly dragged her by an oak tree and climbed up before helping Hazel up. "You okay?""Th-the tree isnt going t-to last. Th-theyre just g-gonna f-find us a-and- a-and- oh why am I so stupid?! I should've known this wouldn't work! Stupid! Stupid!" Hazel was hysterical and smacking herself on the forehead. "Hey! Hazel calm down, its gonna be fine. You aren't stupid," Selena grabbed her wrist and looked her in the eyes. "B-but I-its m-my m-mom a-and m-my fault we're in this whole stupid mess," Hazel tried to choke her sobs. "No its not, its my fault. My idea. Stop blaming yourself," Selena said. "But I'm her daughter," Hazel released her wrist and covered her face. "So?" Selena asked. "So I'm the reason shes DEAD!" Hazel stopped choking it and sobbed uncontrollably. "Hazel... Hazel, no... Its not your fault," Selena rubbed her back in an attempt to comfort. "She-she left Dad because she didn't want ME. I'M the reason," she weeped on."Hazel, its not your fault, he didn't even know you," Selena tried more to get through her but the groans and moans of the zombies had suddenly grown uncomfortably loud. Selena looked down and saw four or so were starting to approach the tree. "Dang it. Where is moms grappling hook when you need it," Selena rubbed her forehead, "Hazel we need to get a move on before we get stuck," she turned to her, "you got any ideas?" "H-huh?" Hazel wiped her eyes with a sniffle. "You got any plans on how to make it out?" Selena asked again. "I-I'm n-not the dangerous one, y-you are. I-im made of paper. I-im weak. I-im not a strategist," Hazel tucked her knees to her chest and Selena sighed. "Hazel, I love you, but we don't have time for this. We need to move. Fast," Selena opened the book and flipped through it, searching and scanning fornany answers, but she never was good at reading ancient languages in a panic. After a bit of scanning Selena snapped the book shut with a groan and grabbed her cousin and they started to climb down. "Wait-! Where are we going?!" Hazel questioned. "Away. Follow me, I'll fight em off," Selena broke off a large tree branch and started whacking the zombies with it. To describe the unread as grotesque, would be an understatement. Their feathers and fur were torn and exposed rotting yellow skeletons. Their eyes were yellow as expired milk. They smelled even worse. But Hazel didn't have time for observations. She had to follow Selena, and she did. She ducked and dived past several of the unread as they tried to reach for her. Despite what the movies said, these zombies weren't slow. They moved at the pace of a normal person if they weren't feeling good that day. Of course, the ones with missing body parts were the acception. Hazel was doing a good job at keeping up, but a hand one again grabbed both of her ankles and she fell to the ground with a thud. "Selena!!!" Hazel cried out. Selena skirted to a stop. "Hazel!!!" Selena started to make a turn around but Hazel soon started to be dragged away and Selena was starting to get overwhelmed by the numbers that were rising. Not to the point of danger, but the stick and the fact she wasn't even a teenager yet were soon going to be a disadvantage. "Selena!!!" Hazel called out again but soon she was dragged so far off she could no longer hear or see her best friend. "Let! Go! Of! Me!" Hazel attempted to kick and flail as bet she could but then the decaying figure picked her up. It was of a woman. It had once had short hair but it was now mostly gone. Her rotting flesh had several scars and wounds and something in her breath smelled of booze. She wore a muddy brownish red dress that had been eaten away by moths and was covered in dirt and whatever else was oozing out of gaps in her rotting skin and eyes. On her head, she wore a golden flower crown that had yet to decay. "M-mom...?" Hazel asked. The zombie didn't appear to be listening. "M-mom I-its me... H-hazel!" she tried to speak but the zombie opened her jaw. Her breath smelled so strongly of booze mixed with rotting innards. The zombie grabbed hold of Hazel's head and she screamed. Just then, there was a loud thwang of a bow and both Hazel and the zombie dropped to the ground. Hazel had barely a moment to process when she heard three gunshots that made her cover her ears. She opened her eyes an saw none other than her Uncle Dewey holding a hand pistol shooting the zombie in the head. Hazel sat herself up and saw her aunt Webby had been the one to shoot the bow and was working on killing the other zombies as well. To her right she saw aunt Lena holding a purple book of spells. Lena opened it with confidence and started chanting. "et abiit immortui canino," she spoke with rigor. As her voice carried through the zombies started to cover their ears and they started walking back to their graves and reburying themselves. Well... The ones that weren't being shot in the head by Webby and Dewey. "Restitui venistis putrescunt inferos!" Lena snapped the book shut and all of them disappeared either into their graves, or laid on the ground with rotting brains lying about. And with that, it was over. Hazel took a moment to look around and again saw the body of her mother. She gasped and went to it. "Woah, kiddo you should step back," Dewey tried to stop her but Hazel shoved him away and looked at it. "Who is-.... Oh.... Oh no," Webby moved next to Dewey, quickly sending a text. Hazel stared into her mother's glossy yellow eyes. They were disgusting. Everything about her was disgusting. Nothing was beautiful. Nothing was what she expected. She was horrifying to look at, especially now that she had an arrow and several bullet wounds to the side of the head. Once her tears started they didn't end. She touched her mother's wrist and suddenly heaved over in uncontrollable sobs. Time and thoughts didn't happen. She just laid there on her knees weeping and sobbing until eventually she felt a pair of familiar arms wrap around her and hold onto her tight. He told her it was going to be okay. He told her it was okay, but her fathers words did nothing to fix anything. Hazel sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, clinging onto her father like life or death. She didn't want to let go. She never, ever wanted to let go again. Not in a million years. Selena tried to say something but Webby stopped her. "Selena, you've done enough tonight. Go and wait in the car," Webby spoke with a dark and unfamiliar tone of seriousness. "But I-""Go. That's an order," Webby said. Selena stepped back. She glanced at her cousin, sobbing and shaking with fright, and knew she had to leave. So she walked away, her head low. On her way back she saw Lena chanting disappearing spells on the corpses as they vanished into thin air. Selena gripped the book tightly before tapping her aunt. Lena stopped and looked at Selena. "This is yours," Selena handed it back, but Lena didn't turn to accept it. "I'm not allowed to speak with you Selena," Lena said simply. "Wh-what?! They can't do that!" Selena was outraged. "Yes they can. They are your parents. Selena, what did you expect? I warned you over and over again to never perform magic without me and to never mess with the undead. Did you really think everything would just be okay after this?" Lena gripped her own book tightly. "I-I... I don't know w-what I expected..." Selena stepped back. Lena sighed. "Go to your car. Your dad is waiting," Lena still continued to not look at her. "...when will I be able to talk to you again?" Selena asked. Lena remained utterly silent, but the message got through. "O-oh... I-I.... I see," Selena felt a hot tear roll down her face. She wiped it away quickly. "I-its ok-okay. It'll be fine. I'll be fine," Selena wiped her other eye. "Car. Now," Lena said. Selena tried to look into her eyes but Lena turned away, but not before Selena saw a drop of water land on the book she was holding in her arms. Selena wiped her other eye again. "I'm so sorry," she apologized and set the book on the ground before quickly walking away and out the, and into the parking lot where Louie was waiting outside the car. "Selena," he straightened up from leaning against the door. "Dont," she snapped and walked right past him and walked all the way home by herself. It was long and she had never felt more afraid and alone in her life but she did it. She opened the front door wide and ignored her two younger siblings before going into her room, locking the door and broke down completely. She lied there and mourned. She mourned the loss of the greatest friendship she had ever known. She mourned the loss of her magic, the one thing that had truly set her free, and she mourned the loss of her aunt, the only woman she felt truly understood her. Gone. All gone. All because she threw it away. She threw everything she ever loved away. The thought made her cry more until there were no more tears left. Only the hollow and empty feeling that had replaced where her heart and love should have been, but there was nothing left to love, so instead it just remained hollow, and empty. Everything was gone. Nothing was left.