#my brain is kinda overloaded with a few things

[timethehobo]

Lots of things on the mind so just a quick scribbly. (I just like the open collar visual shhh)

[mixtape127]

i dream about you and i ☆

taeyong x gn reader

genre : fluff, non idol au, college kinda au

summary : confessing your feelings is one thing, but the feeling in your stomach is another.

warnings : strong language, mention of panic and anxiety but really slightly because reader is confessing, cuteness overload, no caps, reader smokes and is def simping on sleepy taeyong, not really proofread but i hope there are no errors tho

words : 1k

notes : sorry english isn't my native language so i did my best !! taeyong is leaving for military soon and i can't handle it, so i'm coping with cute content. hope you enjoy ♡ lmk if a part 2 is needed !

the weight of my emotions had been suffocating me for too long, i couldn't bear the burden any longer and finally decided to do it; to confess my feelings. the mere thought of it sent shivers down my spine. my stomach was in knots, and i couldn't tell if the sensation was caused by a swarm of butterflies or my organs colliding against each other. it's a nerve-wracking experience, but i hoped that it would be worth it in the end.

my feet led me to his building. hopefully, his roommate won't be there. i can't imagine the scene and i'm almost sure i would run away if Doyoung opened the door.

i have already smoked three cigarettes in the last 15 minutes.

my heart was pounding so hard that i could feel it in my throat as I looked up at the darkened building in front of me. the streetlights cast a golden glow, painting the surrounding area in a sickly yellow hue. i squinted, trying to make out any signs of life or activity in his apartment, but all i could see was darkness. i know it's 9pm, but come on, don't tell me he's sleeping.

hoping that he is not asleep, i throw away my cigarette and head towards the main entrance. i climb the stairs one by one, my brain emptying little by little with each step. i thought of using the elevator, but i'm almost convinced it would fill the emptiness in my head since there was no music playing in there.

as i walked down the hallway, only hearing the sound of my footsteps echoing on the walls, the nerves in my stomach churned. before i knew it, i was standing in front of his door. my hand trembled slightly as it rose to knock, but i managed to keep it steady. come on y/n.

i knocked my knuckles against the wood apprehensively, but there was no answer. after a few moments of hesitation, i decided to ring the doorbell, hoping that he would hear it and come to the door. i pressed the button lightly, waiting anxiously for a response. and then i realised. he's probably going to open the door, and after that, there is no going back.

i feel like time is dragging on and minutes feel like hours. i even consider turning back, he's probably sleeping or just not there.

as i breathe out and adjust my jacket, the door cracks open, and the apartment is engulfed in darkness. the light from the corridor reveals a slightly disheveled Taeyong, with swollen eyes, indicating that he was probably sleeping. i can't help but think how beautiful he looks.

"y/n? what are you doing here at this hour?" he said in a voice slightly broken by tiredness.

my heart accelerates. "come on, it's not that late, were you sleeping? did i wake you up?"

he shrugged his shoulders. "i was just taking a nap" his fingers fidget with the door he's holding. "but you're making me worried, what's the matter? a problem with Doyoung ?"

no Taeyong, your roommate is not the problem...

i swallow hard, my own thoughts getting stuck in my throat. i feel like a thousand waves of feelings are overflowing my brain. “i have something to tell you but it can wait until tomorrow if you're sleep-..”

what am i even saying? i got up from my comfortable bed, walked over here, and woke him up to tell him that it could wait until tomorrow? love is making me act up for real.

"you've already woken me up, so come in." he smiles. that cute smile. that damn smile.

i come in and put my jacket next to the sofa. Taeyong turns on the little light next to the tv, scratching his head right after, not hiding the loud yawn that escapes from his lips. his t-shirt and shorts whose colours are matched as usual, his lips pouting slightly, his small eyes. i'm down bad.

“tell me everything, do you want something to drink?”

i nod. "it'll be fine ! it won't last long... i..."

all of a sudden, i feel like my saliva is stuck, and i almost choke. Taeyong shoots me a concerned look. "hey, y/n, are you okay? i'm really worried. i feel like you're about to confess to me that you've committed a crime, and i have to help you cover it up." he chuckles.

i take a deep breath and shake my head. my hands are folded together and i'm playing with my thumb anxiously. i stare at my socks as if they could magically give me courage. the reason why i want to confess my feelings to him is because i've grown tired of constantly doubting myself. since this summer - and now that we're in winter - i've been thinking about him non-stop. his smile, his voice, the way he could talk about his fishes all day, or his new shoes and hats, and the way he laughs - everything about him makes me madly in love.

because if he rejects me, i can finally move on.

"Taeyong, i'll get straight to the point. i like you. i have had feelings for you since this summer. i fell in love with you, even though the word seems strong to me and i almost never use it. but that's the case. i know that coming to your place at this hour to tell you this is crazy, but i didn't really think about it that much and just followed my gut. gosh, it sounds so lame..." i smack my forehead, closing my eyes.

all my limbs begin to tremble.

a long silence settles in.

and my breathing jerks.

i keep my eyes closed anxiously.

"so, you... like me?"

his voice echoes softly in the room. i nod slowly, still unable to look him in the eyes.

all i hear is a scoff, followed by his cute laugh. i can't tell if he's genuinely laughing so hard that air gets stuck in his throat or if he's suffocating.

"i was planning on telling you on tuesday after class that i like you." he said with an amused voice.

my eyes widen this time.

"you what ?..."

"i like you."

he smiles.

holy shit.

[allastoredeer]

I read the new chapter of Holy Suffering as soon as it came out and I love the way u write Lucifer. For the past few days I have been reading Radio apple fanfic and I hate how lucifer is portrayed in most of them, shy , innocent with Alastor after the fight, and kinda out of character for the both of them, cause they suddenly like each other, and I don’t see it in them. They like to piss each other off, that’s the whole ship point.

Ur Lucifer is so sassy, Hits all the Good Characterization checks in my brain, he’s such a delight to read, same for Alastor. U had me going speechless most of the time Alastor spoke, cause I honestly didn’t know what he was gonna say next. Writing Alastor it’s probably hard, cause he is misterious and always hides his emotions but You totally nailed it. Right now he is probably angry at Lucifer cause he ratted him out lol

Al be like the audacity of this man after he forced him to do this.🙄

Anywhizzle I just wanted to ask, for the overload meeting, is Charlie gonna send Lucifer with Alastor? Maybe as a snake or something, to make sure is he okay. Cause she really sounded mortified that she didn’t notice that Alastor was suffering and man Al definitely didn’t like that, but it’s not like he can say no to Charlie so

A nd is there like a schedule for next updates? I am really invested in this story and I honestly can’t wait to read more of it.

Thank you ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Hahah Lucifer's got bite to him, for sure. He doesn't come off as the shy type to me. Awkward as hell, certainly. In the throes of depression, absolutely. And he cares about Charlie's opinion of him to a fault. But when it comes to someone throwing their weight around--or, more accurately, getting involved with Charlie (cough Alastor helping Charlie with the hotel, couch Adam fighting/hurting Charlie cough) he isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty.

Alastor is hard to write ಥ_ಥ I love him so much, but sometimes, I want to cut open his head and properly study his brain because f;knslnjsbj out of all the characters, he's the hardest for me to pin down, in terms of both dialogue and actions. He has such a way of talking, and such a distinct voice (his radio filter) that it's simultaneously easy to imagine his voice, but hard to put it to dialogue. So, I really appreciate hearing that I nailed it (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) Seriously, it's so appreciated to hear.

Nah, Alastor is going to be going to that one alone :3 It's going to be set in his POV, so we'll get some insight in his thoughts on the whole thing, and how he's handling his current affliction. I'm both excited to and nervous to get into it, because writing him in someone else's POV is hard, so writing him in his OWN POV is a little intimidating, but I'm mostly excited. I have a lot of thoughts for this series, and it's gonna be fun to explore them.

As for a schedule, I used to try to keep myself to one, and I've found that I have both a love/hate relationship with it. One the one hand, keeping a writing schedule is nice because it gives me a clear view of what I want to work on and an goal date to get it done, which is very nice for my ADHD brain.

BUT, on the other hand, when I start putting that pressure on myself to get it down, and I fail to actually reach that goal, it hits me pretty hard and it can take away my motivation and joy in writing the fic. It starts to feel more like a chore than a fun hobby I can do in my downtime.

Thankfully, I am DEEP in Hazbin Hotel hyperfixation, and the amazing feedback I've gotten from my fic's is certainly fueling my motivation. So thanks to everyone leaving kudos and comments! It's seriously so helpful and I cherish ever single one of them.

If I had to give an estimate for when the next installment of the series will drop, I'd say either at the end of this week, or the beginning/middle of next week. I have an unrelated AppleRadio one-shot I want to bust out before I work on the next installment, and that one I'm going to try and post by Thursday or Friday.

To quote out favorite Radio Demon,

~Stay Tuned

[darishima]

puppy your game collection is beautiful i dont know what most of those are except like the disgaeas (because youve explained them before), disco elysium (the occasional meme crosses my dash), roblox, and undertale maybeeeeee you could give me a tour of the others you like and what theyre about and stuff! whats muse dash ouppy that sounds like a rhythm game ^w^

thank you i know its incredible :3c soo here it is again i will go game by game and yap my ouppy little head off im sorry

starting from the left! desmume is a DS emulator that i got to play puyo puyo fever, a fullmetal alchemist ROM and a lucky star ROM and PPSSPP is a PSP emulator i got for uhh. i cant remember which game i specifically installed it for. i think it was puyo puyo fever 2?

roblox is. you know. roblox

my hero one's justice is a demo i downloaded from steam which i have not actually played LMAO i got the demo to see if i wanted to buy the full game but i guess its pointless because i havent bothered to check out the demo

class of 09 and class of 09 re-up (the sequel) are visual novels, hard to explain what theyre about.. basically its all about toxic evil yuri and drug abuse and self harm. its like if needy streamer overload was about coked up high school lesbians

disgaea pc is the second best game ever made

disgaea 2 pc is the number 1 best game ever made. no further explanation necessary

i have not actually played dont starve yet, it was recommended by a friend so i bought it during the steam summer sale for like 2 bucks. from what ive heard, its a survival game, kinda like minecraft if minecraft was way harder and the game hated you

disco elysium is the same, recommended by a friend, i bought it for super cheap during the summer sale, and have not touched it yet LMAO

muse dash is a rhythm game yes and its FUCKIGN INCREDIBLE. AND IM AMAIZNG AT IT. LOOK AT THESE SCORES BONESY ARENT YOU PROUD OF ME

full combo means i hit every note and didnt miss a single one >:3 im genuinely really good at the game not 2 brag,,, and YES you saw that right, hatsune miku and kagamine rin and len are playable characters!! they come with two respective DLCs which also come with a bunch of vocaloid songs and i bought them both <3 these are their sprites in game!

and if you buy it it gives you a bunch of adorable art on the loading screens :3 this isnt even all of them just a few i screenshotted. if i screenrecorded myself killing it in muse dash would you watch the video teehee...

ok back to game yapping. leaf blower revolution is an idle clicker game i got for free on steam, which i got insanely hyperfixated on for three days and played for like 14 hours straight once and then gave up and never touched it again

yume nikki is a little pixelated adventure game where you explore around a girl's weird dreams. the soundtrack is INCREDIBLE especially this song. its transcendental. listen to it while youre high trust me you have to

DDLC requires no explanation i think. its ddlc. you know what it is theres no way you dont

the song of saya (saya no uta) i will be yapping extra about because i LOVE IT. its a horror eroge visual novel about a guy named fuminori who, after a brain surgery, sees the entire world and other people as a disgusting fleshy abomination, whereas everything looks normal to other people. for example this:

is a completely normal hallway. but it looks like that to him. then he meets a girl name saya, who is the only thing in the world that looks normal to him, and he falls in love with her

and i reeeally really dont wanna spoil it cause its really good and i highly recommend you go watch it (theres a full playthrough on youtube) but lets just say saya is Not as normal as she looks.

celeste is a game ive only played a little of, but i love it so far. its a platformer about a trans woman named madeline climbing celeste mountain, and encountering a personification of her self doubt that she has to overcome to get to the top. i lovee the style of the game its so pretty and way easier than i expected it to be, which is great for me because im garbage at every game in the world that isnt muse dash or disgaea

disgaea 4 and disgaea 5 are self explanatory. i ADORE d4, though im not super far into it, but i havent started d5 yet im waiting until i finish d1 and 4

phantom brave is a game set in the same universe as disgaea which crosses over with it, i havent played more than a few minutes of the game but obviously i love it so far cause its similar to disgaea. im waiting to jump fully into it until i finish d1 and d4 though

OFF is an rpg also recommended to me by a friend, i downloaded it online but havent touched it yet 😭 pro at owning games i dont play

omori is also very self explanatory. i downloaded it off my friends steam account and he and i have been playing it together, im not far in but obviously i like it, i knew i would. aubrey is sooo mecore <3 i really need to keep playing it... i should have gotten into omori sooner. actually no i take that back because i think 14 year old me getting into omori would have been so world-ending that it would have shattered my psyche

spore is spore. idk how to describe it. you make a fucked up little creature and you make the fucked up little creature do shit thats the whole game

undertale is also very self explanatory. and boom thats all my games :3 well i also have animal jam classic which didnt fit in the screenshot but theres not much to say about that. other than the fact that i own a super rare nonmember mantis pet and im proud of it. and my den fucks

okay thats more than enough yapping im sorry .. stop asking me questions because i do not know how to shut up. ily though thank you for asking :3c

[dollya-robinprotector]

dollyaaaaa ur art is so nice n clean always!! im wondering how u draw so quickly n consistently? bow much time does it take for u to draw stuff ö i love seeing ur art pop up on the tl always, its so inspiring!! have a great rest of ur day >:333

Not gonna lie, I usually avoid the ask related to my drawing time or process. I cannot count how many asks I have received on this same matter, but...

Well, I should clarify one thing: I am not uncomfortable answering these ask. I answer some if I can. I just don't know how to answer most of them. English isn't my first language so even if I want to write a tutorial it's just gonna be... "messy" I think? Also, I have this love-hate feeling when it comes to drawing fast.

As you can see I draw almost daily. To answer asks, to present my own ideas,... there are two reasons for my fast-drawing skill:

I think way too much. My trains of thought often crash onto each other and my brain is just purely chaotic, to the point I'm overloaded and stop thinking. That's not good. So before things get complicated or fade to nothingness I would draw them out. it's how I preserve my ideas, keep my sanity intact, and not shut down from thinking.

It's my practice. I grew up knowing practice makes perfect, so I kinda draw to train my muscle memory. A kind of habit as an artist. I remember coming across an interview with BL artist Hotoku and I saw their comment on how to get through a "slump":

and it was at that moment I realized there's nothing more important than to draw when you are an artist. A "slump" (or artblock, etc...) is a disaster for all art creators, so I choose to prevent and get out of it simply by drawing more.

I remember I doubted Hotoku's answer for some time, but now I understand them perfectly. I, too, love and think about drawing all the time, almost that I don't want to do anything else besides drawing. It's complicated to describe, but I think I gaslighted myself successfully into a drawing maniac.

After all, all that I'm capable of is drawing. If it's not for my artworks, I'd be nothing. I can not satisfy my parents, my coworkers, my senpais, or even myself, so at least seeing some strangers on the internet appreciate my drawing warms me up inside I think, ehe~

As for how long it takes me to draw, it depends. Some simple sketches to answer asks took from a few minutes to maybe some good hours. The asks keep coming and I'm delighted to it, but the most I can do is answer 5 - 6 of them a day, usually, I could only do 3 - 4 or least, so I have to admit and apologize because I can not answer everything sent to my ask box. I do the most I can. The asks are a huge part of my creative inspiration and mental comfort, so I always give them my best. Thanks for sending me these asks everyone~

I called off my work today and shut down all the notifications from my boss, so maybe I'll rest more. But I would get back to draw as soon as I can.

[ughscara]

THE COLUMBINA THEME/?!?!?>!>D QWJDKWBQQ OH MY GOSHHHHH IM BKFBEFE I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE A BINA FAN AHHHH YOU HAVE IMPECCABLE TASTE AS ALWAYS... it is so so pretty i am eating it up... i am going to miss Kuni with the otter but this is just *chef's kiss* (i also hope you are doing well, your reblog made me 🥹❤️❤️❤️)

AND YESSS THE KUNI BDAY ART ARGHHH,, i can just imagine reader being a few possibilities with him... 😭 either you're the one who tagged along with him to the House of Daena just to see what he's up to all the time but then your brain just dying (like Paimon 😭) from all the long texts overload (me tbh). And Kuni would be rolling his eyes at your dramatic self and be all like i told you so... 🙄 Or you're just peacefully reading those long books and your lover is just like... huh. I know he'd scoff and mumble under his breath but he'd drape some of his clothes over you if you fell asleep... ❤️ (ignoring the presence of his sort-of admirers on the other side of the room)

(this was all over the place and probably very messy but it just came to me ❤️ luv you!!)

AAA SUZU !! 🩷🩷

thank you thank you thank you!!! omg i am figuratively kicking my feet and literally smiling so big rn okay — first and foremost, YES (⁠つ⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)⁠つ i am a 'bina fan since the day she showed up in the winter night's lazzo trailer~ as for kuni and his little otter buddy, don't you worry my dear mutual; here's the screenshot for your perusal alongside another one <3 ( as for me doing well, i am indeed doing well! i hope you are too dear 🩷 )

now that you presented me with his second mini illustration.......... i have brainrot to share in correspondence to yours ( LISTEN my brain is always cooking i'm not sorry )

when i was just inspecting every little thing about his second mini illustration and literally giggling at how cute it was and all — it kinda threw me back to the time i first thought about my academic rivals + roommates concept with kuni .. but now that you presented me with your side of the brainrot which thank you btw it's so *chefs kiss and totes adorbs*

so here's to another episode of 'yame and suzu cooking kuni brainrot ~

“what even...?”

you uttered under your breath, a book in hand as your eyes continued to skim through a lengthy page after another. honestly, you're skipping through almost everything you read through — some part of you admiring the amurata darshan for being able to understand all of this. maybe you should have listened to your lover's recommendation and read something else.

curious, you eye him from the side to see how he's faring. of course, you were aware that this wasn't as much of an issue to him as it was to you, and you envy the ease he found in being able to read through his share of research without complaints.

the wanderer's eyes were quick to meet yours, and he was just as quick in raising a brow at you in what you presumed to be curiosity on his end as well. but that wasn't the case...

“having difficulty?” he murmured with a subtle smirk of amusement. he was aware, not when the confusion practically clouded the light of curiosity in your eyes. yet you affirmed anyways. “i won't shy away from admitting that i am ‘having difficulty.’” you parroted his words with a little smile, deciding it's best for you to just put the book down. you could hear him chuckle a bit dryly at your affirmation, uttering a barely audible ‘i told you so’ only for you to hear. the amusement that adorned his face softened a bit as he heard you hum in response.

“actually — love, can you pass me the book you recommend at first?” the moment he heard that endearment, a rush of warmth rose up to his porcelain cheeks as he hung his head slightly lower to allow his hair do the covering for him. “mhm.” the wanderer hummed in response whilst reaching over to said book next to the small box you brought with you for him. his pinky finger coming into contact with the ocean blue colored gift box for a moment before he took the book and passed to you all the while avoiding your gaze.

with a simple thank you on your end, the area fell silent once more. just the distant sound of students coming and going, chatting about their deadlines or some who were studying in solitude. it's a kind of quiet that allowed you to focus in a way, especially while the wanderer remained by your side; it felt ideal. staying alone together in his favorite corner in the house of daena.

surprise surprise, what he ended up recommending you wasn't a book. but a collection of research papers from the vahumana darshan — researches trying to pinpoint the mystery behind tatarasuna's sabotagement, researches investigating the ancient civilization of the sumeru desert... it felt like skimming through a collection of reports. you gave him a threat-less glare upon seeing that accomplished smirk on his face. but you digress.

you spotted a familiar handwriting shortly after however, his handwriting, and you were quick to begin reading the first research paper simply and straightforwardly titled ‘societal issues in inazuma.’ it was the commentary he mentioned he wrote out of boredom while he was occupied with cooking lunch for you. a smile crept up to your lips at the resurgence of the memory.

that style... how much of a reliable yet unreliable narrator could he be? certainly the former when it came to discussing anything regarding what was once his homeland. and you adored every word spoken in this research paper. sure, it was harsh at some points, but that was just how your wanderer was; straightforward and to the point. hence the reason you felt such immense joy reading the commentary he wrote.

this time around, it was his turn to eye you from the side. indifference fading into a very slight surprise as he saw you smiling whilst reading his research paper, but he paid it no mind. at least you were having some form of fun like you usually tend to.

a while would pass, the once distant sounds of the students became more and more prominent as at long last, he finished the forsaken paper he was writing. and from the corners of his eyes; the wanderer spotted your left forearm on the table. naturally, he was quick to turn to face you and be greeted with your arms on the table and resting your head on your arms, the research papers you read neatly yet messily set aside... sleeping here of all places?

“idiot,” he mumbled whilst getting up from his seat, carefully not making a sound as to not disturb your peace. “this is exactly why i told you to stay home.”

but even then, as he complained to your sleeping self with his ‘i told you so’s, he didn't hesitate in slowly taking his white haori and gently draping it over your sleeping figure, watching you as you breathed in and out softly. and for a moment, he stood there; simply watching you. his anemo vision that now hung over your shoulder began to shine and dim at a familiar rhythm that resembled the same sweet melody he'd sleep to in your shared home, the sight allowed for a subtle smile to adorn his face that if one were to look closely, would be greeted with a softness that'd seem uncharacteristic.

whispers could be heard from behind him, the contentment and softness dissipated in an instant as he shot a glare to those students whispering behind his back, and that was enough to have them scurry away to someplace else.

a sigh escaped the wanderer's lips afterwards as he turned to look at you again. perhaps he'll let you have your little nap whilst finishing up the second thesis he had.

yes, that's a decent enough excuse to have you stay by his side for a little longer.

OMG please don't worry about the ask being messy or all over the place, seeing you here genuinely brought a smile to my face! ( what a delight to wake up to too 🤭 ) and of course, love you too friend! 🩷🩷 remember to take care, stay safe and i wish you a wonderful and kind day ~

[izercharo]

[Alterna Statues] An idea I've had for a few days!

What are they?

Why do they exist?

These 'statues' are not really statues, technically they are the remains of a human, covered/replaced by the liquid crystals from the fake sky! Like fossils! But...more ominous.

The statues were created as a result of the failed rocket launch that ended most life in Alterna!

As we know, the energy from the rocket boosters overloaded the crystals causing a massive cave in and debris to rain down upon humanity.

The crystals themselves serve as a way to record and/or display human desires and memories(?).

So, in this idea, during the tragedy, crystals that fell onto people would sort of flash freeze them and envelope their entire bodies. Then, the liquid would solidify and absorb the person's memories, desires, personality, etc.

This whole process is the reason as to why EVERY single one of the currently found statues seems to be frozen in time, with a mortified expression in their faces, as if running away from their end. It effectively "kills" the person, but at the same time doesn't.

The body is dead but everything that made the person, themselves, that made them human, are all recorded in the crystals. The statues 'soul' is alive, but they aren't.

That person isn't a person anymore, they are the crystals resembling what they once were, unmoving, unable to express emotions.

It is unknown whether or not the effects can be reversed. Agent Neo 3.5, codenamed L1, an expert in the preservation of the mind/ anything human, HEAVILY PROHIBITS touching the statues with bare skin.

Current hypothesis for what might happen in this case are:

-The one that touched it will have everything the statue recorded transferred into their brain, most likely killing them from the overload of information in the process.

-Everything will transfer to the new host of the information, but it will most definitely cause some sort of identity crisis (or more) as the subject is unable to decide who they are due to having 2 extremely detailed and real lives in their brain. They would be more like 2 people in one body, fighting for control, an unperfect fusion.

-Crystals will spread immediately upon contact, flash freezing the subject too, and condemning them to live out eternity together with all the other statues.

Further analysis from the previously mentioned L1, proposes the possibility of transferring the information onto a digital medium. If such is true, then it might be possible to create a new body from DNA samples and dump all the information into it, as had already been done with her, reviving whoever the statues were.

Or perhaps not.

Research into this phenomena is still ongoing, and the possibility of giving whoever these eternal monoliths of sadness and despair were, a second chance at life, is still low.

Who knows how many still sit inside their dome shaped cage, forced to never be able to see the blue sky, buried beneath tones of debris and water? Hundreds? Thousands?

We do not know.

All that we do know is that our Agents, along with some outside help from a certain octoling engineer/idol are doing their utmost to research this phenomena and crack the code to it's inner workings.

More updates on said research will be given out.... whenever I want to write.

END OF LOG 1.

THANK YOU FOR READING! :D

[Little thing! "L1" is a short, kinda acronym version of "Last One" . This is used to refer to my oc Violet L. Alterna ('octoling' in the picture) whose backstory involves her cloning her own mind and Orca inserting it into a new body thousands of years later.]

[ivy-meshle]

Okay I said on Tuesday in the tags I might talk about plurality n stuff wrt myself. Right now this is more stream of consciousness than anything polished, and idk if I’m going to be up to talking about it with people for a few days.

This is gonna get pretty long so I'm putting it under the cut:

(FWIW, I'm mainly using 'I' here, but that's because I've spent so long trying to make sure I keep plurality stuff off of this blog it feels weird to write 'we').

I think it was... fuck, six or seven years ago now? that I first learned what plurality even was, then another year and a half where I just kept thinking about it for weeks on end before I started to maybe consider that the reason I couldn't stop thinking about it was maybe the same reason I couldn't stop thinking about transness after I'd learned about that.

Even now, I'm still hesitant to claim plurality. It feels like a step too far- like I’m overstating things. I don't feel like one person, but I don't know that I feel like more than one, either. Certainly I don't have clear boundaries between one self and another. It’s more akin to distinct patterns of thoughts and behaviors that I feel like I snap between. Neural pathways that open and close.

There is one consistent pattern I've noticed though: when I'm in a period of stress, those distinctions become a lot clearer, and they tend to stay clearer than they were before even after I can unwind. Which is part of why I'm feeling more comfortable talking about plurality now; I know I'm going to be more people, more clearly, in the next four years.

The other major reason is that I want to not feel doubt every time I talk about us, that I'm just deluding myself. And that means that I need to get more used to talking about us.

So, uh, introductions, I guess? I've opted not to introduce characters (fictives(?)), since they tend to come and go more frequently- usually as I write about them. I think it's something about trying to get into their perspective that creates some of the same sort of neural pathways. If they stick around for longer than three months after I stop writing about them, I'll introduce them then. The sole exception here is Nensa, who meets that requirement.

For now: Hunter, 'me', host(?). He/it. Mostly responsible for getting people and things to where they need to be to work. Emotional regulation and planning type things.

Asher. He/ey. Math/physics nerd, problem solver. He handles the homework :Þ

Nensa. They/she. Minecraft Warden hybrid, stoic, helps with handling sensory overload mainly.

Miranda. She/her. Customer service voice social butterfly. When I need to talk to people at the bank or on the phone, she’s the one who takes the wheel.

Blake. He/him. Punk aesthetics and paranoia. He’s the one who keeps us from doxxing myself every other day, but also he keeps us from opening up to people. It’s a balancing act. (He’s very resistant to posting this.)

Dakota. She/her. Probably the first distinct self I identified; basically the face of my RSD. Very sensitive, cries frequently.

Ulyssa. She/it/void. Goth and angry and rude. It formed semi-on-purpose when Hunter decided to treat the negative self talk while I was spiraling like it was a person he could talk to and well. Now she is! Hunter tries to keep it and Dakota separate as much as possible.

Qwerty. It/she/he. Online persona, kinda? It only shows up when we’re on the internet. He’s more in tune with the social norms of the web than the rest of us are.

Anyways. Yeah. IDK. Life is weird and brains are weirder and I don’t necessarily think of myself as a system, but I would count myself as plural. That’s about the long and short of it.

Feels like I ought to say more, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m going to schedule this for, like, 9am my time so that I don’t have to actually hit that post button myself (scary). I also probably won’t be up for talking about this with other people (sorry mutuals!) for at least a few days. Thanks for listening.

( @ivy-meshle so I can rb this in the future )

[pealeii]

Hiya!! Love your new blog theme btw. Please tell me about your OCs!! I wish to know about them because you love them sm <3

HIHIHIHI I’M SO SOrry that this took so long to answer i kept THINKING about it but never got the chance to answer it so HERE WE ARE!!!

obviously i got a bunch of ocs but the ones I’m currently fixated on (like MAJORLY fixated) rn are some vampire ocs 🧛💥💥💥💥💥 (some vampires some not lololol)

okay i kinda went crazy so this got long 😭😭 so all the lore + art under the cut

okay so i’m not gonna go TOO in-depth but basically vampires who are turned (were human before but were bitten) are basically roadkill. when ur turned ur not immortal so over 70% of turned vampires die in the first few days (in-universe statistic)

but uhh there are also vampire hunters who don’t really take that into account and just think of them as potential murderers. and here’s one! our protag, angel ensworth!

his family + best friend (who was also his codependent homoerotic situationship kinda but that’s another topic) were killed by a vampire, and he was basically taken in by this vampire hunting corporation. angel lived comfortably in suburbia so he really never questioned anything—so he took all this vampire hunting ideology at face value (also he was in a really vulnerable situation poor guy.) but he only starts questioning stuff when’s he’s assigned to kill our secondary protag—oliver “ollie” robin! (i’m obsesed with him.)

so ollie’s just a chill trans dude who likes to party—currently studying social work at college. long story short he’s making out w/ this dude who turns out to be a vampire, who accidentally bites him. ollie then kinda roughs it in the forest until angel is assigned to him…but just cant kill him. i mean he’s just a guy shaking covered in blood in a shed like how could he hurt anybody?? he’d more likely hurt himself

good thing tho that the vampire hunter corps angel works for has a highly underfunded vampire rehabilitation center!! featuring…

esperanza “espy” cabron—the head of the program—a hyperactive, rabid researcher who Never Sleeps. very passionate about her work. wears contacts but forgets to take them out. always wears her ponytail too tight. also lesbian. theyre all lesbians. most of the characters are sapphic in some way.

and enid hawthorne!! she basically does everything else in the program—researcher, therapist, front desk…on the internet too much, taught espy abt neopronouns (enid’s are she/star and espy’s are she/her/fae/faer) asexual lesbian who tries her best to dress butch but is preoccupied and overloaded with work.

so they take ollie in and a bunchhh of other stuff happens like these guys have been in the COOKER. they are ROTATING in my brain like no one’s business. there’s another vampire named trixie—aromantic lesbian — goth w/ tourettes (i love her)

oh and ollie has a sister who we meet later!! (she’s a high school theatre kid named summer)

(NAHH I FORGOT THERE WAS AN IMAGE LIMIT I’VE DRAWN HER SO MUCH 😭😭😭😭)

anyway idk if ANY of this made sense but these guys are my current hyperfixation

[totaleclipse573]

what would happen if Starline met (for the first time) an amnesiac Doleon

This is actually pretty interesting to think about hdshjdkdjbdsdkj

HOW DID THAT HAPPEN. When the place was collapsing in issue 50 did he like. TAKE A MISSTEP?? 😭DID SOMETHING JUST FALL ON HIS HEAD ITS TOO FUNNY.

Originally what he decided to even go BACK for was the shiny thing he saw down there, and oh look a person. UGHHHHHHH FINE GUESS I HAVE TO GET THEM OUT OF HERE TOO. So uh Shard energy wackydo that kinda works like chaos control?? And done. Now its time to rob while this person is distracted.

I WOULD say the possibility of the Warp Topaz itself having scrambled his brain somehow would be fun, but it doesn't really do anything to him to begin with? Not the way it should, anyway. If he gets hit with its power the MOST that could happen is him being unable to think clearly for five minutes or so. Unknown WHY it doesn't affect him properly, but it doesn't.

I do have an au in my head where both Terios and Doleon get amnesia due to an EXCESSIVE energy overload (Ter basically starts acting like Scourge meanwhile Doleon is attempting to be a good dad to his apparent sons,) but that's slightly irrelevant here bc Star and Doleon already knew one another in this au

I think on Star's end, it'd be another Eggman and Evelyn (oc) situation. Oh they have amnesia???? And powers beyond current comprehension??? Hell yeah time to use this to my advantage.

He might take notice to what happened and try to come up with some fake story. The crash must’ve messed with his memory! Not to worry, though, answers are readily available. Obviously, he was working for Starline, got sent out to do something, then this happened. Unfortunate, but he was lucky Star, too, had decided to come around. 

Yeah Doleon doesn’t buy that. He might not remember MUCH, but that just doesn’t sound right. 

“Yeah? What’s my name, then?”

Not much of a chance is given to say anything 😭 If you CLAIM to know him, it shouldn't TAKE that long >:( Plus he's just stubborn regardless.

I'd have to think for longer if I wanted to make more out of this, but a few thoughts in my head currently :

Wait that's right. HE doesn't even know his own name. And he's just kinda. Aimlessly wandering around right now. Maybe he was doing something beforehand???? Uh. Maybe he should follow that other guy??? Could he prove useful somehow? Also, he has a shiny thing. Doleon really wants the shiny thing.

Whenever and HOWEVER Doleon gets his memories back there's going to be ISSUES (before the inevitable "wait hold on I could use him............" in return.)

Gay gay homosexual gay flirting gay

That is all

[quokkabite]

tysm for the tag @hyuuukais (i loved reading your answers!!)

🧭 who is your favorite kpop group?

…. stray kids 😔 i seriously wanted to still be able to say sf9 because they’re like my ult group but like lake said… the skz brain rot is strong. (listen even as im writing this im like no sf9 is still my favorite skz is just a current hyperfixation… that’s lasted a year,,, so take that as you will)

🐺 which member sparked your interest?

bang chan. i saw clips of his flirting on channies room. (for example “that would make me your…” and “yeah my nose is big…” clips) so i wanted to know if he was being for real and just a really cute goofy guy or if he was being fake. (answer: he’s a really cute goofy guy) + im gonna say kinda felix too because after i watched one stray kids short i kept getting recommended them and of course felix’s god menu line was involved so it also made me curious to see if it was real or not 🤣

🖤 who was your first bias?

bang christopher chan. i found out he was a cute goofy guy and that’s all i needed to know.

🐿️ who is your current bias?

take a look at my blog and tell me who my bias is. 😭

hint:

it’s han. jisung.

🎶 what makes them your current bias?

(literally wrote a whole paragraph that tumblr mobile deleted) he’s amazing in all ways, ever. he’s a genius and funny and he’s just really impressive to me. i love the way his mind works and his visuals definitely don’t hurt matters.

edit: i was able to screenshot while the new draft was saving!! so this:

i fell for his music first. i think he's a genius with his lyrics and the way he thinks and expresses himself. i love his personality (im drawn to loud introverts). and his thought process bro. the way he makes word associations/connections with the things he sees... he is just really impressive to me. and i think he’s a hard worker. he knows his limits but he still does everything he can to make a situation work for him. like even in his last live how he was talking about switching his routine up because he had been getting overloaded with dopamine and he was starting to feel numb to it. the stuff that he said just made so much sense and i really relate to that. and i respect that he realized the problem and actually takes steps to correct it and care for himself. it's cheesy but it's really inspiring to me when i deal with anxiety and stuff. anyways. i think he is really cool 👍🏼

🐽 who is your bias wrecker?

changbin. i want to say all of them because i love everyone in this group so freaking much… but,,, i cannot get away from changbin (he’s holding me hostage, help im scared)

❤️‍🔥 which member(s) are you currently obsessing over that aren’t your bias/bias wrecker?

again, all of them. but mostly seungmin and lee know rn

🤟🏼 when did you first discover the group?

october 7th, 2022. i watched the case 143 music video 14 minutes after it had been released out of pure curiosity and pretty colors in the thumbnail. i didnt know anything about them or the fact that it was kpop when i clicked on the video. i had just gotten into kpop a few months ago and still solely listened to sf9 at that point.

🕷️ have you been to one of their concerts?

yes. i cannot believe this, but yes. i met my best friend in atlanta for the maniac encore tour march 2023. at the time i was biasing hyunjin so i have a million and four photos of him and felix (my friends bias). it’s probably one of my favorite memories

✈️ what are some of your favorite songs by them?

okay this isn’t fair. can i answer “their entire discography?”

no?

fine.

some favorites are: alien, waiting for us, the tortoise and the hare, lonely st, volcano.

tagging: @yangxteez @puppysmileseungmin @straystaysworld

one of my videos from the atl concert (loud,, also that’s not me screaming jsyk lmaooo)

[borathae]

SIBI! YOU DID IT AGAIN! I love "Embrace" so much you have no idea! I had to read it again 🥺 it's so so good!

And I'm so sorry but this might be a confusing ask but my brain is kinda overloading with thoughts and I rather send 1 big ask than spam you 😬

So first, I had an idea for Queendom universe Taehyung! It's not a request though if you want to use it feel free to do so and I checked your rule list just to be safe but I didn't find anything against food play so here you go : what if the Queen of Sand introduces Tae to chocolate covered orange and than chocolate fondue? And it starts very light and fluffy, but it devolves in some kind of food play but not a "heavy" scene more like a light scene where the Queen makes him laugh and such? It sounds so cute and playful 🥺

Now second thought : My workplace is big so I don't know all my coworkers, but today I met a guy and I'm pretty sure I have a crush on him, like he has a deep voice and beautiful fluffy blond hair and he seems really kind and while we were talking the only thing that went through my head was "smile but don't smile like an idiot" and my voice kinda cracked when we were saying bye so I'm a little embarrassed 🙈

Also it's really cold here and the wind is harsh so I decided to go buy a hot pocket (water pocket? I'm not sure what the name is but it's that thing you pour hot water in it and it stay warm for a few hours) and I think the smell of that thing unlocked some childish energy and childhood memory in me and now I'm giddy, exited and kinda sugarhigh but without eating sugar which might be why I decided to come drop a very long ask in your askbox (sorry about that 😬)

But I'm so happy because I haven't felt like this in a long time and especially not in December so I had to share it with someone and "Embrace" is today's cherry on top!

Last thing, promise, I found this little guy 🫨 earlier today and I'm not sure what it's mean, my best guest would be really scared but I'm not sure. I still find him funny though and I'm not sure why either 😂

Anyway I'm done now! Sorry again for the thought dumping 💜💜💜

what if the Queen of Sand introduces Tae to chocolate covered orange and than chocolate fondue? And it starts very light and fluffy, but it devolves in some kind of food play but not a "heavy" scene more like a light scene where the Queen makes him laugh and such? It sounds so cute and playful 🥺

YES OMFG I LOVE THIS IDEA OMFMGM GNNGNG this is so them coded I can 100% see them doing that fuckckck I gotta put it on my ideas list because ngngng 😩

Also, I'm happy you are having a little crush hehehe, it sounds like fun 💜

BAHAHAH I LOVE THE LITTLE GUY HAHAHAH 10/10 emoji 😂😂😂

[jev-urisk]

Heeyyy :> I would like the biggest infodump on Kazimier you have pls. All the details.

A 💋Kazimier💋 infodump?!? Oh goodness, where do I start 😵‍💫 (Also thank you for asking!). I'm going dump a few favorite things, if I try to dump it all in one Imma be typing instead of feeding myself today 😂

(He's tagged #7c kazi on everything I've posted on him so far if you're somehow thirsty for more after this)

💋Who:

Kazimier (Kashj-meer), an OC for my story 7 Circles

He's not sure what his parents named him, but as a kid he had this Cashmere sweater that acted as his safety blanket and eventually 'brat in the Cashmere sweater' became 'hey Cashmere'. He decided on the spelling when he learned to read/write.

💋What:

Shapeshifter Incubus Hybrid.

Genderfuid (pronouns based on appearance).

On the asexual spectrum.

Just shy of 6 feet tall.

Very likely autistic.

A bastard.

(Feel free to hit me w/specific what questions cuz this can get real outta hand)

💋Where:

He's not sure where he was born, but he's been in Du’Preve as long as he can remember.

Du'Preve is the 4th and final district of the Halkyon Empire. It's a place that's big and abrasive like New York, full of sleezy entertainment like Las Vegas, and is a trashy dupsterfire like the Jersey turnpike.

Du'Preve is home to vampires, gorgons, gargoyles, litches, and hybrids. Collectively they're called Du'Preve'd, darklings, 4th class, nightcrawlers, or just 'lowers'.

But recently he got caught by the govt system and shipped out to District 1 🫶 sucks to suck.

💋When/history:

I don't want to give up tooooo much. 🤔Hmm. He's almost 300yrs old. No clue who his parents were but was a cute kid who found means to shelter himself. A couple centuries and a lot of trauma later and he's a calculating distrustful member of the criminal underground willing to do whatever it takes to avoid revisiting the past.

💋Why (did I make him?):

The thought for my wip 7 Circles began during quarantine 2020. I had nothing to do, nowhere to go, and when my school semester ended my skin was crawling with creativity that didn't have an outlet. So I gave in and downloaded tiktak.

Im a drag persormer/cosplayer and ended up on the side of the app where folks collaborate on settings and interact in-character as their ocs to create a story. I joined as my OC Kazimier and not long after, I began interacting with the charming, dark-eyed OC, 'Klaus Calvaire'. We started messaging to plot story collabs.. then started messaging just to say hi.. then messaged our lives to one another.

This witty, handsome, well-written person was flattering me enough by collaborating so much with me- then they fell in love with me, moving 1000s of miles to live life alongside me. I'm humbled every morning that I'm dating the mind behind my internet crush, and we share whispers about our ocs as we hold one another each night.

The og tag group splintered, the clock app is no longer great for my brain, but Kazimier and Klaus are still going on adventures alongside me and my unlikely lover, 4yrs and over 100k words later. ❤️

💋How (did he come to be?):

Personality was originally based on what I thought would be interesting to write, but then I accidentally added chemical X (my truma) and ended up with a bastard.

As for his looks.. they're based off my drag performance style/makeup🫣. Like.. he was a cosplay before he was really a character. It's embarrassing and strange and delightful all at once that this mf kinda looks like me. 😳

Soooooo, Yeah! He's my most developed blorbastard so there's a lot more, but I'll leave the rest for more asks. If you have further q's feel free to send them!

Hope this wasn't too much of an overload lol if you made it this far thank you so so much, I hope the muses bless your wip 🙏

[fereldanwench]

okay so

i guess i'm doing this

i've avoided talking too publicly about any of this because it's... messy and uncomfortable for me, and probably other people, too. i also don't want to perpetuate drama and i was hoping i could just move on, but i don't think i can without unburdening myself a little here and i need to be witnessed, lmao.

i think this fandom also has a culture of whispering and gossiping in discord servers and dms rather than addressing anything head-on, and breaking that norm is also uncomfortable.

but the thing is, even if no one explicitly shares anything, that energy still obviously influences more public spaces and how we interact with each other. it breeds a lot of paranoia and mistrust, i think, even for people who aren't predisposed to dealing with issues like social anxiety or RSD. but given how many of us do actually deal with those things, it makes it even worse.

(although on the flipside, i think there are also plenty of conflicts that should be resolved privately and sometimes going full salted-earth publicly is also the wrong move, but I DIGRESS)

and look, yes, i am bad in this regard, too. i got sucked into this shit with everyone else, and i fuckin' hate it. i hate how much inconsequential knowledge i have rotting inside my already very overloaded brain about who's besties and who blocked whomst and WHATEVER THE FUCK I DO NOT FUCKING CARE

i didn't get involved in this shit in high school, i certainly don't need to be getting involved in it now

having said all that, here's some internal fandom conflict i've been dealing with on and off since january of this year.

about a week after lizzie's shutdown, i did notice that people i thought i was cool with were seemingly no longer cool with me. it was also happened not too long after i made the how-to fandom guide that i realized missed the mark for some folks, so i was like, well, maybe it was just that.

but to be completely honest, even if it was just that, that still kinda sucked too. although i agreed with the feedback that i should have taken a different approach to some areas in that guide and been more sympathetic to other sensitivities for creators in the fandom, my heart was in the right place. intent doesn't override impact, of course, but intent should still count for something, i think.

and i'm not asking for sympathy, i don't want or need it, but i do just want to share where i was mentally at the time to set the stage for later anxieties: no one likes getting yelled at for doing what they thought was a good thing.

but yanno, also, again to be fully transparent, i did feel like some folks were projecting their insecurities onto some sections and were just taking an uncharitable read on it as a result. i think a handful of people just didn't read it at all and wanted to revel in some righteous indignation, an impulse i unfortunately also understand too well so i can't judge too harshly there. sometimes you just see a phrase that just gets under your skin and nothing else said before or after that matters. i know. I've been there. but it is still kind of unfair to the person on the receiving end.

but i tried to walk away from that situation with humility and understanding and as a lesson to be more thoughtful in the future. i also had enough people say that it was helpful for me to feel like ultimately was a net positive, and i felt like everyone was moving past it.

so a few weeks later, after lizzie's had shut down under INCREDIBLY ABRUPT AND CONFUSING CIRCUMSTANCES TO ME, and i noticed i was being seemingly shunned or even blocked by folks i was like...

are people mad at me again for the how-to-fandom post?

or, because i am publicly friends with some prominent members of lizzies who have been accused of bullying and other bad things, that i am guilty by association?

at the time, i actually considered making some sort of public statement, but i took a step back, and i told myself "no, you're just still dealing with some lingering anxieties about The Fandom Post and you're extra sensitive and inclined to some paranoia right now. you were mostly active in the 3 months in lizzie's before it shut down. you don't have a strong association with the server. that's silly. and making a post like that will probably just make things worse because people will assume a guilty conscience is an admission of wrongdoing in and of itself."

(and i do have a guilty conscience, but i was raised catholic, my natural state is to assume i did something wrong even if i quantifiably didn't, lmao.)

but i would still catch little comments here and there, notice passive-aggressive tags on someone's post, or even just feel a vibe that kept me thinking... maybe i actually am accused of doing something.

so when That Blog started up (and yes i hate myself for being enthralled by it and i just blocked it because i know my curious monkey brain will continue leading me to the dark side if i don't), and i saw that i was explicitly accused of being a part of some inner cabal of 30-year-old women who were bullying everyone in lizzie's, i was like OH okay. so it wasn't paranoia, i was right. being friends with a few people who have been accused of wrongdoing and i guess... winning a photomode contest once was enough for some people to assume that i was one of the big baddies in the server? cool.

but the other big reason i didn't want to say anything publicly at the time was the two incidents that i was aware of did not involve me at all. i literally just did not do anything. and it wasn't my place then nor is it my place now to weigh in on other of those, especially in a public setting. i don't even want to say anything beyond this, really. i wasn't involved in any capacity, and i don't want to be involved. they're just not my conflicts.

and i know some people will take that stance in and of itself as being complicit or whatever, and that's your perogative, but i just don't feel right about inserting myself in a situation that never involved me. and i certainly don't want to drag anyone, friend or otherwise, into anything when they're probably trying to work past it in their own ways, too.

i'm also not even that pressed about people deciding they don't "trust" me or whatever for being friends (or just being friendly with--some of the people I'm accused of conspiring with i don't even know that well) with people they don't like. I'm sometimes wary of people who are friends with people i don't vibe with, too. i get it. so if you want to label me as guilty by association, knock your socks off. but just know that within the context of The Lizzie's Situation, that is the extent of my trangressions.

and outside of The Lizzie's Situation, the only two things i can think of that i did were 1) foot-in-mouth guide as addressed up there, which i really think is more of a miscommunication than an actual Bad Thing and 2) acting like an asshole in another server to someone because i was mad about how they treated my friends, which was still the wrong way to handle those feelings, and I apologized for the best way i can under the circumstances.

i genuinely cannot think of anything else I've done to cause harm to anyone in this fandom. even with people i don't like, i still don't want to hurt them. i just don't want to interact with them. if there is something else i did and you want to talk to me about it, i am open to hearing about that and doing what i can to alleviate that hurt (if it's possible, i know sometimes it's not) and making the effort to not do that again in the future.

i know i can't do anything about people who are already convinced that i am the devil, but i don't think i could really accept that and move on without at least getting my side out there. so if you read this, thank you.

that said, i do think i need to disconnect for a while so if anyone reaches out one way or the other, I'm taking the day off from social media, lol. maybe the weekend, idk, we'll see.

but yeah. that's it. thanks. 💙

[9firefly9]

can you write kaz x jesper if kaz gets a sensory overload and jesper finds him and helps him?

<33

We’re not alone

So I’ve never experienced a sensory overload and I’ve never seen someone experiencing one, so I wasn’t entirely sure what I was doing throughout this entire fanfiction lol. So I apologize if this is very wrong. I did really like trying to write the fanfiction though! So thank you for sending it to me 😊! I know you asked for Kaz x Jesper but this fic kinda went off and did it’s own thing without my permission, so it’s not as ‘lovey-dovey’ between the two of them as I was planning to do, so sorry about that 😅. I hope you enjoy it anyways!

How did I get here? How could this happen to me? I think bitterly, as I stare at where my skin was touched.

I could feel my laboured breaths becoming faster and faster as I began to panic. People were everywhere. Somehow I had found myself in the middle of a crowd when only a few moments ago there was almost no one around me.

I could feel their shoulders bumping mine. Skin touching my skin.

It felt like their hands were rapping around me. Choking me.

It felt like my entire body was screaming at me to get out. It was too much. Everything is too much!

Their laughs are like needles jabbing into my brain.

I needed to get out of here!

I remember running to the nearest place I could get to that would provide me with privacy. That just so happened to be the bathrooms inside The Crow Club.

The lights inside seem so bright. Realistically I knew that all the lights were turned off and that the only light was a gentle glow from the stained window, but it felt like it was mocking me as I pressed my hands over my eyes to block the light.

I pressed my body against the cold walls of the bathroom and sighed as the cold helped slow my racing heart a bit.

As I let out a shaky breath, I drag my body down the wall and curl into myself as tightly as I can. Begging myself to calm down.

Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I be like everyone else?

Why can’t I touch my friends? Why can’t I touch Inej? Why am I so weak compared to everyone else!

I can feel my eyes burn with tears as my thoughts begin to spiral.

“Kaz?” Called a voice, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I can feel panic clawing at my chest. My heart feels like it’s going to explode.

No. No. No! Nobody can see me like this! Please, please, just go away!

“Kaz, are you okay?” A concerned voice spoke from the doorway of the bathroom, and I realized the voice belonged to Jesper.

I opened my mouth to tell him to go away but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t make any words come out.

I can feel sweat coating my forehead as I realize there was no way to get out of this. No way to make Jesper go away. No way to pretend I’m fine when I’m not.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jesper asked reaching out for me.

“NO!” I scream and scramble backwards feeling my head thump against the bathroom wall, not caring as pain seeps into the back of my head. “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me…” I repeat over and over again, unable to stop.

I briefly see the hurt look on Jesper’s face and instantly feel guilty but I can’t stop.

He knows not to touch me. But I still see the look of hurt on his face everytime I avoid his touch.

I press my head to my knees as I bring my knees even closer to my chest.

I hear Jesper sigh and hear ruffling from beside me.

When I look up I see Jesper sat beside me, with his head resting against the wall and his eyes closed.

I feel myself begin to smile as I realize he’s not going to push me to talk or ask questions. He just wants to keep me company.

I look over at the window and immediately regret it. The light feels like it’s burning into my eyes. I quickly bury my head in my knees as my head begins to ache. From the light or from me smacking my head against the wall earlier, I’m not sure.

As I feel myself begin to panic again I hear soft taps against the floor, accompanied by soft humming.

My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I turn my head to the side and see it’s Jesper. His voice is actually quite nice.

It’s comforting.

I let out a sigh of relief when I realize some of my panic has gone away. When I see the distance between us and realize that no one is touching me.

We sit there not talking, not looking at each other. We just sit there in the comfort that we’re not alone.

[sixdegreesofbali]

This is a post that's more for myself than anything. It's a little reminder to myself of what I'd like to achieve from next year on.

It's a pretty cliche list, but I genuinely think these are probably the most important things I can do for myself to become more mentally and physically healthy and to help me enjoy life more.

Less screen time and 'data intake' Something that I've been noticing more and more, especially this year, is how unfocussed and also easily irritable I've become. I have a really hard time concentrating on anything these days and it even causes me to make more mistakes at work. I know a lot of that has to do with the amount of time I spend online and how easily distracted I get. Especially by the toxicity that surrounds F1 at all times. Which is why I've already made a great step yesterday by deleting my Twitter account. No need to look at people's shitty opinions all day long. It's not healthy to be bombarded with everyone's opinions on everything 24/7. Though I also think this is a general problem in today's society. People being less focussed due constantly being bombarded with content and data everywhere: social media, Netflix, podcasts, music and even books. These days the brain never, ever seems to get a moment to just rest and is constantly overloaded with data. We hardly ever get any time alone with our thoughts. Which is something that I hope to change next year.

Going out and experiencing more This kind of also has to do with the first point. Instead of being behind a screen all day, I want to go out and experience more. And it can just be small things like driving to the beach (which is something I looove to do), going to the forest (so good for your mental health), exploring more sides of my own country that I haven't seen before. Sometimes I forget that even my own little country still has some beautiful places that I've never been to before. And don't wait on other people to go with you. If there isn't anyone to go with you, just go by yourself. Don't limit yourself from experiencing things because you're too afraid or uncomfortable to do them by yourself.

Getting in shape Yes, the most cliche one of them all. Getting in shape. I'm not someone who you can tell that I'm out of shape when you see me in my clothes, because I'm naturally skinny, but boy oh boy am I out of shape. I honestly barely get any exercise at all these days and it's become noticeable when I climb the stairs to my apartment or even when I take a walk. I really, really need to start excising again. But I also hope that my second point will help with that as well.

Being financially stable I think being stable financially is one of the best things you can do for your mental health. I've seen what financial stress can do to people and it's soul crushing. No, money might not make you happy perse, but not having it is a position that I never want to be in. I've already gotten pretty good at taking care of my finances but sometimes I can feel myself slipping up. I don't want to be completely frugal to the point where I'm not experiencing life anymore (which I've kinda been doing the past few years), but I want to have a healthy balance between spending and saving. Having a good savings buffer is such a comfortable feeling and takes so much stress away.

Being a good person to the people around me Be attentive to how other people are feeling. Put your own feelings aside sometimes (not always) and just do what you can to make another person feel a little better and more appreciated. I think if I can achieve all of my previous points, it'll make me a person more capable of doing that.