#my brain is a fun place :3
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every song from epic the musical the troy saga is stuck in my brain. simultaneously. help me.
#messages from the stars#THIS LIFE IS AMAZING WHEN YOU GREET IT WITH OPEN ARMS-#YOU ARE ATHENA BADASS IN THE ARENA-#WHEN DOES A RIPPLE BECOME A TIDAL WAVE-#WE'RE UP WE'RE OFF AND AWAY WE GO-#HE IS THE SON OF TROYS VERY OWN PRINCE HECTOR-#my brain is a fun place :3
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i am asleep much in the way that Wally is asleep. that is to say, I Am Not Sleeping
#gave it my best shot for a minute there#really made an effort. its Not Working#see this is what happens when your sleep schedule is Fucked and you usually go to bed when the sun comes up#on a normal night id be jammin to tunes. scribbling with reckless abandon#tonight however i am at Someone Elses place so i need to be Quiet#i need to Sleep i am Driving tomorrow#brain wont cooperate tho. brains a bitch. id like to be unconchus#OH SHIT OH!!! I DO HAVE A JOKE I CAN MAKE BARNABY USE!!!#I HAVE A COUPLE OF OCEAN BASED ONES! FUCK!#sorry train of thought took a detour#im tired. today was mostly very good. had lots of Fun <3#experienced something new! several somethings!!#and now im lamenting my wide-awakeness in a dark room#my hunting gathering badass self is Bored as Hell#and so: wally scribble of him sharing my woes#scribble salad#not gonna tag it as anything else
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hi.
#i know most of you didnāt even realize i was gone#but manā¦#my mental health was like in a state of ššš in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldnāt shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes š„²)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#iām still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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Donāt be silly! Okay, be a little silly (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Sans#Papyrus#Could also be general Undertale again but y'know lol#Silliness is the only thing on the menu I'm sorry but we're out of everything else it's the one remaining option#Speaking of silliness! I started that first one in an attempt to draw Sans' blind side and then-#I had a 50-50 chance of what direction to have him face and I picked the wrong one brain why lol#Well he was still fun to draw anyhow lol it all works out#Tired Papyrus toting an even tireder Sans around#I imagine Undyne called him to do something and he just brought Sans along since he was already carrying him lol#Sans waking up in random places like ''Ah. Papyrus-teleportation'' lol#Another mini set based on me and smol! Just try and stop me!!#We frequently talk about dreams right after we wake up if we happen to catch each other - and remember lol#And one of her dreams was just so absurd that the harder I imagined it the funnier it got lol#So I gave it to Sans to enjoy lol - him enjoying when Papyrus is intentionally silly with him makes my heart happy <3#Papyrus plays his straight man so often that when he does come in with something funny it just catches Sans off guard haha#Pleased all the way around!#Also ft. a slight headcanon I have about Sans' lowercasedness lol#About his voice being naturally quiet and all that - that even when he laughs really hard it's still on the quiet side#Tires him out but it's kinda breathy#And if you can believe it I am Still getting used to drawing Sans' face pftbltl#He's so roundy! I feel like he'd be easy to draw and then I do and like#Sometimes yes sometimes no! I'm starting to recognize which features do it but dang I wasn't expecting him to be harder to draw than Papyrus#I feel like Papyrus' design is a little more forgiving - like if you mess up a detail you can still be like ''Okay but that's like 95% him''#With Sans it's like ''Well I did Something. And now he's Extremely off-model. Could I tell you what I did? Uhm'' Lol#I'll get it figured out! I will!
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picked up TTW and made a new LW/courier, her name is Sunday
#fallout 3#fallout new vegas#tale of two wastelands#going back to using this place as a way to dump random art and shit that i want to archive and talk abt but where nobody will find me#i need a new art tag#uhhhh idk#warlockshmart#there#also ignoring the pedantic part of my brain that keeps reminding me#abt that one singular timeline discrepancy#so i dont ruin my own fun#oc: sunday
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feeling very green and yellow light in this dungeon tonight
angĆŗstia, florbela espanca (translated by me)
interview with the vampire, s02e05: "don't be afraid, just start the tape"
i lock you in an american sonnet that is part prison, terrance hayes
island of the sequined love nun, christopher moore
beautiful short loser, ocean vuong
kinnporsche, s01e11
red doc>, anne carson
#interview with the vampire#iwtv#kinnporche the series#web weaving#armand iwtv#daniel molloy#vegas theerapanyakul#pete saengtham#devil's minion#armandaniel#armandiel#vegaspete#okay onto the fun tags#i looked at armand fixing daniel's wound with that lighting and my brain made a u turn#fully screeching at me to do something#no special meaning to this i just like to see powerful people facing the consequences of violence on someone under them#either through a physical disadvantage (daniel my beloved) or through a social dynamic (darling pete)#their relationships are pretty different but these scenes have me dropping my heart all over the place#what is it with disturbed men with daddy issues and locking up puppy eyed men#darlings you need to relax maybe take them out on a date first#also the entire poem by florbela espanca is just... so armand#that isn't the full translation but i probably won't post it unless i find other poems to translate that i can connect to them#alright rant over hope y'all like it#armand the beloved <3#daniel the beloved <3#seven.
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Realized that in my Immortality Speedrun AU, even though Zhu Bajie and Sha Wujing likely wouldn't have had the opportunity to get thrown from Heaven since they'd be working overtime at their posts, Ao Lie very much would still have the opportunity to land himself on death row as a prince, so.... Sun "An enemy of Heaven is an ally of mine" Wukong gets a roommate for buddy comedy reasons
[ID: 1. An illustration of Ao Lie and Sun Wukong. Ao Lie is in his princely attire, but notably disheveled. His green outermost robe is hanging half open, with burnt and ripped hems. The red sash at his waist is hanging in tatters as well. His hair is loose down his back and he's holdining a sword in his right hand. Sun Wukong is in his human disguise, wearing an open checkered daoist's robe. His white inner robe is not tucked into his pants and a red dudou is peeking out from underneath it. He's staring at a book in his left hand while chewing on a piece of willow, his right hand scritching his chin thoughtfully.
2. A sketched comic, with Ao Lie in teal and Sun Wukong in orange. In the first panel, Ao Lie bursts into a cave in a rush. In the second panel, Sun Wukong is sitting on the floor of the cave next to a table, looking at Ao Lie at the cave's entrance. SWK says, "Uh. Hi? This cave is already occupied." In the third panel, Ao Lie attempts to pull otu his sword in surprise, crying out "Stay back!" before he's interrupted by Sun Wukong casting a freezing spell "å®!". In the fourth panel, Sun Wukong has a cheerful but annoyed facial expression as he approaches the frozen Ao Lie. He says, "LOL Nice try, punk- Now what the hell are you doing in my cave?", then, "Wait a min-". In the fifth panel, Sun Wukong is looking up at Ao Lie with a surprised and incredibly amused expression, exclaiming, "Wait- You're the Ao kid who managed to set his father's palace on fire underwater!". Ao Lie looks back at him with a tense expression, saying, "Please don't tell me you're gonna hand me in." To which Sun Wukong replies, "Hell no I won't!"
3. A sketched comic, again with Ao Lie in teal and Sun Wukong in orange. In the first panel, Sun Wukong is reading some plans in the foreground and Ao Lie is in the background. Sun Wukong says, "Xiao Long, could you head out and fetch me some lingzhi? I'm fresh out. In the second panel, Ao Lie responds, "I'm a prince who has an active warrant out for his arrest, and you're just some rogue brewing illegal immortality. Wouldn't it make more sense to go out yourself?" In the third panel, an unimpressed Sun Wukong presses a basket to Ao Lie's chest. Sun Wukong says, "I've got arrest warrants for crimes you wouldn't even imagine. Plus, it's my magic and my cave keeping you hidden, so pull your weight, Princey." Ao Lie rolls his eyes and has his hands up in a mock defeated pose. End ID]
#my art#journey to the west#jttw#xiyouji#sun wukong#monkey king#bai longma#ao lie#immortality speedrun au#sorry for only doing silly au doodles lately </3 normal jttw is still my bread and butter but ough#AUs are like junk food for me. fun and thoughtless and not filling but still taking the place of what i really should be doing instead </3#bc thats all my tired brain can handle during this mad dash before winter break š#ANYWHO#this ao lie still has long hair bc the moment he heard 'death penalty' he booked it the fuck out of there#its kinda hard to see but the tips of his horns are also discolored and desaturated :>#bc ive always envisioned sea dragons' horns as coral so stress = dying coral#also ao lie gets increasingly šļøšļø at swk the longer he's around him bc#this is the most unassuming man in the world.#yet he's powerful enough to be willing to harbor a heavenly fugitive#and keeps insisting that he's on the run for something more heinous than what ao lie's on the run for#yet ao lie has never fucking heard of him in his life#he gets increasingly unhinged theories as to who swk is#'a follower of shen gongbao? a disgraced or dismissed disciple of some high-ranking god?'#'whoever he is he's gotta be old as hell to be this powerful'#idk what swk's fake name is yet </3
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tiny explanation on lack of Stuff lately is that my brain has for some reason nosedived my creative confidence the last month or two and it is killing me
i want to make things so so bad but i feel like none of it is good or it's boring and it is driving me Crazy!!! especially when it leaks over into not wanting to talk to people over not feeling interesting enough. agh. anyway that is my PSA, rest assured i am trying to kick the feelings away like this, and i Will do it. one day
we Will get there. or elseš¤ŗš¤ŗ
#stuck in that rock and hard place of like#i need to do studies bc i feel like i've forgotten how to draw without HEAVY reference#or 3d models to half trace#which isn't a bad thing to do. but it does immensely slow me down and i don't want to do it for Every doodle#but i don't want to do studies. bc when art isn't fun bc i feel like stuff i make is boring#i want to work on things that excite me. not studies#so i just get stuck!!!#and then bc stuff feels boring i don't know what to talk about or feel like i'm bothering people#it is a vicious cyclr#i am half writing this out just to get it off my chest#in hopes i will stop feeling weird about it#i know i don't owe any amount of content or conversation to anyone dw it's the frustration of#wanting to. but not feeling able to!!!!#i will get over it i am working at it#thank you anyone who still tries to talk to me despite tgese weird months of brain hell#it is Always appreciated<3#fredspeaks
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How do you have so many moots??!
Well, Iāve been posting on tumblr for about five months now (thatās crazy, what the heck), and my first moot, the wonderful, fabulous Nico (@thekingofworems), was actually the one who got me to start posting. I was a lurker for a while, but I eventually got on tumblr one day and just found an ask in my inbox saying āay, the ace to my aro letās go!ā because my bio said āLily, minor, she/her, aroaceā or something to that effect, and Nico had decided to put an ask in my inbox about it. Then I decided to answer the ask and he sent me another one and we had a short, but very nice conversation. Then I decided to make an intro post about who I was and what fandoms I was in and start posting whatever random stuff I wanted and reblogging posts I liked. Then it kinda snowballed from there and I gained a bunch of moots from interacting with people! A few of my early moots are moots themselves, so it was like I was collecting the whole group lol. Tag games helped because I basically saw lists of who was mutuals with my mutuals and I could see who liked the same things as me. Also, just spending way too much time on this app lol.
#thank you so much for the ask!#this was so fun to answer#sorry about the yapping#i talk a lot#which is very clear if you have seen any of my original posts lol#i love tumblr#it gives me a place to talk about things i talk about with my friends irl#and to meet and interact with new people#and make new friends#i have a lot going on in my brain#and tumblr gives me a place to either escape from it or talk about it in a way the real world canāt#mutual#mutuals#i love my mutuals#new mutuals#new mutual#moot#moots#i love my moots#lovely moots š#moots <3#tumblr moots#new moots#new moot
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just thinking thoughts
#hmmā¦ sappy moment rn but#y'all have given me so much over the past few years and it helped me get through so much shit#like i never would've posted or continued writing if it wasn't for all the love i got on my stuff (or maybe i would yk but i wouldn't post#any of it)#and i've had so much fun creating all these stories and characters ā ruin you cmi atrw c&f etc etc#like 3 years ago i never would've thought anyone would love these silly ideas my brain comes up with so much#support them and be kind about them and also give ME as a person so much love?? ykwim? like im not used to this much affection#but i'm so thankful :') i do feel valued hereā¦ and i hope life stays gentle enough for me to be able to finish all this#like to finish cmi and all the other stuff i want to share before i leave this placeā¦ i hope the passion never fades#and that y'all stick around too <3 that whenever i do leave some day i don't regret not finishing something#but go with a content heart and with the hope that my stuff will be loved even when im away and the blog's archived#y'all are amazing :') it was easier to hold on over the years truly#sigh yeah that's it.. this got very long i know but if you read it all ā ily :') <3#maybe dl?? maybe not let's see
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stole this chart from @asubakaa and spent wayyy too much time making my own so. yeah. also i did 6 instead of 5 bc i know no restraint
#aughh i just spent ages typing out an honorable mention list and then i was like i don't like this actually so i deleted it#whatever you're not getting an explanation. unless you ask then i mean sure i don't mind#i find it funny that the straight ship canonicity ratio is lower than the lesbian one. there's just smth about het stuff when it's not cano#each tier had its own challenges with brainstorming which was fun#i don't have a lotta straight ships i think about in a frothing seething howlilng way. fakiru and tamaharu are really the biggest ones atm#gay ships are the most common for me bc i consume a lotta guy-dominated media and things get homoerotic pretty fast#but that also meant there was a lot to sift through and i always felt like i was forgetting something#like i almost forgot killugon. KILLUGON. the same killugon that i was painfully obsessed with for multiple years yes that one#formative to my life in middle school and everything. my little gay guys forever. theyre very sweet how could i forget them#and with sapphic stuff it was various issues in depiction. like 'no one ships these two from this obscureish movie but me' and 'they're boo#characters so how do i depict this visually' and 'no one knows these two the fandom's bone dry :('#there's a lotta ships i like but it was sometimes hard to find ones i LOVEd enough to put alongside the others yknow. a problem with all 3#categories. anyway a fun thing for my brain to do hooray#the most violently snubbed honorable mentions are probably griffith and guts bergerk. i wouldn't say i ship them exactly but they were in#love and should not be together in the present. as far as i've read. complicated but they're in my brain real good real deep in there#and hua cheng and xie lian tgcf. probably shoulda been there over the lawyers now that i'm thinking about it just in terms of sheer brainro#bc they took over my life about as hard as the other mxtx guys did. but yeah anyway#also i realized after this that i forgot horikashi.. which would probably take seowaka's place </3
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Happy birthday!!!!! This is my fifth (5th) Time drawing Kyle and my first (1st) Time drawing Alex!!!!!! please know I miss her-
AAAAAAAAAKJSHFKJLASHGFIUWAHFIUAWHFUIASHFIUH AIUF HAWUIOF HIAPUWH FPUIAWH F UIAWH FUIWAGH FUIAWG FUIAW GHFUHJGAYUFGWAUYJHFGAJWHGF AHWUIGFILJAHDFJLKGSD HKJFGH AWLIUJGF IUWAY FIUASH FKJHDSKJFHKJDSLFH KJAHFKJLAH FKJG HF ILUAW HTHEKMM THEMMMMM THEMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGGGGGGKAJHWSFKJALSGKFJGAWLKJF
THEYRE ON THEIR LIKE 1ST DATE ITS PRE EVERYTHING IMM
ALEX HAS PRETTY MAKE UP ON & KYLE JUST "omg pretyt" OR AKJSFHLJAWK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OIFMADFIKJHAJKGHFKA FAWWWWWWWA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFHASKJFH MADIIIII MADI I CANT FORM WORDS ITS THEM!!!!! U DREW THEM!!!!!!!!!!
#THIS IS GONNA B KYLES 1ST KSIS TRUST#HES GONNA MESS IT UP SM LIKE AN IDIOT#I LOVE ALEX I LOVE HER SM OMG 1st time drawing erh I WANNA SAY LIES BUT IK UR NOT#bc u wouldve sent me her.....u.....u wouldve#AAAAAAAAAAAAAKLSHFLKJAGFAUWJGFW#U DRAW THEM SO PERFECT IM KICKING MY FEET ALL OVER THE PLACE THIS THEM THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ASGFDLJKASGFJHAGJFSKGHDASJLFGASLHJLFGASLJHFKJASHFKJASHFKJSHDJKGFHAKJFGJKASHDK:JAHS:KJFHAS:KJFHKJSDHFKJDSLGHFKJLHADKFJHDSKJFHKJADHFKJHADKLJF#HFJKLHGADKJFGHASKJGFHJASLGFHJGASJHFGJAHFJDSHGLJFKGDAHJFGJHDSGFHJDSGFJHGAJHFGJHASGDHJGASJHDKGASJHDGASJHFGJDAHGFJHDSGFJHAGKSDKFJHGDAKJHFGDKJS#I AM SO NORMAL ABOUT THEM ACTUALYL#ALEX ALEX I MISS U SM I MISS U SM#THREYERE PERFECT OMG#I#A:HFKJHWAUIFGWAIUFLGASIHFBKAJHFIULAGFUIAWHFUKASGHFIULAGFJULKAGWFKJAWHLKFUJHAWKUJFGHAWKJFGAKWFGAHJWGFKJLAWGFJHAWGFJHAWLGFJHLAWGFJHAGFJHLAWGF#HFASHFKJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#MY BRAIN IS JUST THINKING OF CUTE CHEESY 1ST DATES IKD#IDK IF THEY HAVE A CANON 1ST DATE OR ANYTHING BUT LIKE PLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS#CANON IS MY BRAIN RN ITS MY BIRTHDAY TMR((2day if ur ahead bc u r but like))#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFILWHA:KJFYHWAUIKFHGUIWAGFIUYAWGFIUWGAFUGWAI:UFGAWIFGIAUFGIUAWGFIUWAGFIUWAGFUIAWGFIUAGWFIUAGFIUAWG#I NEED THEM 2 SHARE PLAYLISTS & MAKE FUN OF SILLY MUSIC 4 FUN THEN GO FEED DUCKS OR SMTH#KYLES GONNA GET CHASED BY 1 SERVES U RIGHT THEY WERE GEESE KYLE#THEYRE GONNA DRINK A LIL 4 FUN BUT U CAN FUN DRINK!!!! & LIKE THEYRE BOTH GONNA START HAVING A BIT OF THEIR VALLEYA CCENT SHOW I JUST#JSUT AAAAAAAAAA:FKHLWAKIHFOWHAOIHFOIWHAOIHFOIHWAHHHHFIHSAKJFHDJSHGFJSDHFGJKFDHGJKFDHGLKJHSKDHFKLJS#THEYRE GONNA FALL SO IN LOVE W/EACHOTHER IM GONNA GO INSANE#alex dewitt#kyle rayner#dc#reblog#tehe madi art#:3#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWIOFHAWPIUFGUIWAGFUIAWGHFIUAHUIWFa
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OMG please keep sharing your dan heng thrist/headcanons!!! I also didnt expect to go as feral as i did for that man, since he is pretty different from what i usually like, but omg i just want to tease all kind of different reactions from that man
i absolutely will keep sharing my dan heng thoughts with you!!! probably over on @inkyajax but iāll most likely reblog them here as well hehehe <3
oh my gosh there's just something ABOUT HIM like,,, heās calm and collected, aloof and dismissive and in good control of himself and his emotions...which just makes me want to cause him to snap even more ugh <33 i just know that man is hiding a temper beneath layers of cool. itās a fierce temper, stern and cold and strong, but itās not an explosive temper, you know what i mean??? heās still in impeccable control of his words and actions and thoughts. anger doesnāt cloud his brain, but anger + lust might <3
i just feel like heād want to put you back in your place so badly??? he seems like someone who will only tolerate and politely ignore disrespect to a certain extent/point before he reaches the end of his rope and he just has to do something about it. idk idk idk all i know is that i want to be a fucking brat for him >.< n keep doing inappropriate things and not listening in the slightest >.<
#this is just me spewing my brain rot all over the ask like#i don't even knoW#HE'S JUST#REALLY HOT???????????#AND CUTE??????#BUT ALSO THE POTENTIAL TO BE QUITE DOMINANT????#to me the fun thing about him is like;;; he seems like the type to get all flustered etc etc etc BUT#BUT IF YOU PUSH HIM *TOO* FAR then he's gonna go all dom on ur ass and put u back in ur place#i dunnoooo#thank u for indulging my brain rot anon bb!!!!#i am v much looking forward to playing more hsr tonight hehe#i hope ur weekend is going well!! keep safe n drink water <3#inky.bb#clari gets mail#inky.dan heng
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Dieses stƤndige alles was mit Kultur zu tun hat = rechts = nazi hat mich definitiv nicht negativ beeinflusst!
#ok but literally#''hate how big of an influence the US has'' vs my brain immediately being like ''what are you? a nationalist? I thought we are in favour-#of cultures mixing?'' is.... definitely fun... o(-( idk idk#sometimes I just want to hit my brain#rains rants#english nonsense#this is a post I wish I could do in a language no one here speaks#this is like the ignore that I'm posting this UNLESS you also have that experience then please talk with me :3#I always think that I probably just had a lot of influence from... questionable places but then everyone agrees and I think 'huh'#like maybe this isn't as me specific as I think it is#I should stop talking k
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*draws something for the first time in a while. āMan I suck at drawing! Maybe go back to being good at it if I draw more!ā
*doesnāt draw
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āOh I got a neat idea for a drawing! Surely I have gotten better by now!ā Loop post
#this revelation brought to you by the one and only#midnight brainrot#probably could not of put these things together without the malaise of a mind awake at 3 am again despite saying that theyāre ātrying to fix#their sleep schedule ~ā#bah. I say things yet never do them. my brain always blocks any sort of progress with ājust one more videoā#even fun and enjoyment bends the knee to this declaration#even other YouTube videos!#when I do break it I end up back where I was because like asking for literally anything my brain does so much pushback that it feels#inherently wrong on a fundamental level#I donāt think Iām depressed I like life too much and enjoy existence#is this my brain punishing me for not dying before reaching adulthood like I always thought I would? or is it punishment for not constantly#going from the end of high school to another school like I planned because my purpose in life was to learn and go to school until I die#now I am left without purpose. literally wandering my house like a ghost when no oneās home#I say the two same things to my brother when he gets home so much that he once made a joke about me being an npc#and the worse part is. it wasnāt about that dumb TikTok brainrot meme thing. no it was because I say the exact same things the exact same wa#y every time he gets home. worse more is I can think of several other ways that that statement could be more accurate that he doesnāt know a#bout#I wish to game but never do#I want to make art and such but I never do#I went to an art class for years when I was a kid for Peteās sake!#my parents complain about my hair being too long and I agree but I still want it long I just always kept it short because of simple ma#maintenance. the only reason I ever grew it out was to keep warm I. the winter!#I spent my childhood with self imposed utilitarianism for no reason#no reason to expand my horizons and explore myself because I thought of myself as a lesser being that was fated to die randomly before#I could reproduce.#oh my goodness the reproduction thing! I thought I was straight for the longest time because I had to be#because the purpose of a person is to reproduce. yet I was all likeāI canāt reproduce as I am autistic and would taint my offspring. I am a#genetic dead end and deserve to have the effect of natural selection take placeā#through tv show mimicry and being a utilitarian little git I forced myself to be straight for years#and the worse part is I KNEW GAY PEOPLE EXISTED AND I ENVYED THEM FOR NOT HAVING TO REPRODUCE OH MY GOD IS THIS WHAT KARKAT FELT LIKE? NO I
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I know it's just mindlessly assigning personal significance to what truly are complete random acts of circumstance or etc, but I still enjoy casually adopting the attitude that I am somehow Nature's Most Favorite Little Babey Boy. If it's hot outside and a cool breeze randomly happens, that wind was created for me specifically. A bird lands near me? They were sent here just for ME personally to see. If it rains at just the right time when I was thinking of rain earlier that day, the rain was created as a gift to me. etc. etc.
#Not something I genuinely deeply beleive in my rational mind#but I think it's a fun concept#seeing a beautiful tree or a cloud and just going "oh tee hee another little gift placed here just for Me to appreciate''#because in fact the world does revolve around me and is created for me and i telepathically control the weather :3#(I do not. but again.. it's funny.. the same way playing the character of an egotistical dramatic villain can be funny)#Anyway. sometimes the wind blows or something happens outside and I turn to an imaginary camera like I'm speaking to an#audience (nature??) and just go 'hmm.. thank you for that!'#Maybe it's actually just a natural human impulse somehwere in the core of the brain and is part of the contributing#factors to humans creating the concept of gods and religion and stuff#The natural human impulse to be like ''Ah.. this (completely random unpredictable thing entirely out of my control) was created#for ME speficially OBVIOUSLY.. by (vague universal force or god or etc.) and means (whatever i want it to)''#ERM.... sounds a little self centered haha.. hashtag homosapiens cringe compilation
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