#my balls ITCH 💜

[alexluvsskittlez]

like and reblog this post to receive one singular toenail in your mailbox!

anyway here's some oc x canon content fuck yeah 🔥🔥🔥🔥

[ravenstargames]

✦ LOST IN LIMBO — 2024 WRAP-UP + 2025 MILESTONES

And here we are, after the holidays! Another year has come to an end and this one was simply incredible. You can anticipate what our most important milestone was for 2024, but there has been a lot going on this past year that maybe we all have forgotten. So let's see what these four friends have accomplished this year, and what's coming for a 2025 that already looks promising!

Good news is that we achieved every goal we set up for this year! Isn't that awesome?! We published our first demo, hosted our very first casting call (and it was nuts!) and so much more! Let's see it :3

✦ OUR STUDIO, RAVENSTAR GAMES, WAS OFFICIALLY FOUNDED ON JULY!

Let me tell y'all that when you finish college, keep studying because it turns out the job market is absolutely devastated and cannibalized, and then have an existential crisis, the last thing you think about is saying "fuck it we ball" and open a studio. I mean, we are literally four people with no stable jobs (well, Kayden is an exception) and with no previous experience making a game entirely by ourselves.

So this was a huge step for us. A scary one. A terrifying one, and still is. But we've survived so far, so let's hope we can still do just that—survive at least long enough to start living. Calling this our job would be a dream come true, but there's still a long road ahead until that!

✦ WE SUCCESSFULLY FUNDED LOST IN LIMBO ON KICKSTARTER!

And you were right if you thought this was our most important milestone of the year!

Honestly, I low-key thought we weren't gonna make it. As I said—four people with no budget, paying for what we couldn't do ourselves with what our grandmas give us on Christmas—what were the chances anyone would be interested in helping us fund our game?

But we still had to do it, because making it this far and not risking not being funded would be madness. So there we were, opening Photoshop with tears in our eyes, watching our mediocre bank accounts get obliterated and working on the Kickstarter graphics with nothing but glitter and Jesus.

Also, we were asking for a lot of money and it was our first project. We've seen firsthand a lot of projects fail, a lot of people being scammed, and a lot of projects not going like the audience and devs wanted. So I thought we were a bit doomed.

Well, turns out there are people who believe in us and our project, so I was proved wrong. Maybe our graphics were really cool in the end, huh? I worked my ass off on those! /silly

So 980 people donated almost 60k euros and on September 27th, Lost in Limbo became officially a thing. Which is wild. I don't think I believe it still, honestly.

Of course, not everything went smoothly! As first timers we made a lot of mistakes, but we knew we were going to mess up something. Sometimes it was us, sometimes it was Backerkit or Kickstarter...Truth is watching a million YouTube tutorials, reading articles or learning about other devs' journeys doesn't make you ready to run a Kickstarter. There's some stuff you can only learn while running it!

So we ordered our merch, had our 🎉first delay🎉 because we made a mistake with our pins, and managed to deliver our digital goodies to our backers without blowing up (almost) anything.

✦ WE FUNDED OUR VERY OWN SOUNDTRACK!

And it'll consist of 19 original tracks by our wonderful composer Tomás Palazzi! 💜

✦ WE RELEASED OUR FIRST DEMO!

And overall, people seem to enjoy it! In fact, we recently reached +10k downloads and +71k views on itch! T^T

Of course, getting our demo out there was nerve-wracking, but we received a lot of love, and that includes wonderful and constructive feedback from a lot of folks who love our project and want it to succeed in its best form. Incredible content creators played our demo, reviewed it—and we've met amazing and stunningly creative people in the process!

However, as with anything you publish for others to see, not everyone is going to like it, and I think as a team we needed to also be exposed to that. There have been negative reviews that have helped us improve, and some others that have made us realize that our game, just like any other, isn't for everyone, and that's okay—our game isn't perfect and it won't ever be, and that's okay. As creators and creatives, accepting the critiques that help us improve is as important as letting go of the ones that contribute nothing, and to accept there are some things we don't want to change.

Of course there have been nasty or rude reviews, (most of them private) and albeit there were very few of them, but that was guaranteed. We try to have a few laughs at those!

✦ WE CREATED OUR OWN DISCORD SERVER!

And it's brimming with life!? We are almost 400 members and I may be biased, but it's full of amazing, supportive, and incredibly creative people. It feels so strange to see people talk daily about your game, about your characters—theorize, laugh, ask stuff...I can only hope our members feel at home as much as we do, because even if we can't interact with everyone all the time, just reading y'all makes us extremely happy :')

✦ WE STARTED WORKING ON OUR EXTENDED DEMO!

And it's going great! The script is doing better than expected, even if I'm editing more stuff than I originally planned. Implementing feedback we received during our survey is helping me improve the pace, storytelling and dynamism of the script. I'm an overthinker so I know I'm most likely editing / adding more stuff than I planned, but so is the way of the west.

Raquel has (as you all know) been working on the reworked sprites, and for now there's 4/7 done! 💜 We also have finished one of the new backgrounds and one is close to being done. That's 2/3!

Also, thanks to y'all buying extra stuff via Backerkit, we've managed to raise a bit more money and have been able to commission Airyn for help on the extended demo, as well as Allie (our editor) and the wonderful, the Ren'py Jesus, Feniks, to help us with our programming adventures! So technically we didn't reach our second stretch goal (outsourcing) but the extra coins have allowed us to hire some help!

That's all for 2024! Phew! Now, our plans for 2025 are quite simple (me when I lie).

First of all we want to ship our Kickstarter merch (more on that on a Kickstarter update coming soon!)

Finish production for our Kickstarter artbook

Release our Extended Demo

For now, we are aiming for a June 2025 release of the prologue, and the first chapter of every route will follow soon after.

Open our Patreon!

We have to think about this thoroughly, plan it, and make sure we can offer quality stuff worthy of your support. Some of you have asked a lot about a Patreon but we want to make sure we make it right!

On a personal note—this year I have been working on my OCD, as last year, and booked with two therapists. My therapist (the one who diagnosed me last year), and a different one specialized in OCD. This year has been full of highs and lows, but I'm in a much better headspace than I was last year, to the point of my meds being lowered! ✌️

I also enrolled for my PhD program like a month ago, and I got accepted after a lot of college shenanigans that almost became my villain arc. So this year is going to be funny for me!

Every member of the team has had their personal issues to deal with this year. Mental health, family, etc. It hasn't been an easy year for us, but I'm happy to say we've been there for each other.

And I think that's all! Overall it has been an insane year. Very productive, very nerve-wracking, and incredibly awesome. We can only hope this year is as good as 2024 if not even better, both for us as people and for our game. We hope your 2024 has been good, and we also hope you are excited to make 2025 a year you can be proud of; but most importantly, a year in which you can take care of yourself, be at peace with who you are, discover new things about yourself, and crave a path to the future you want to live!

Talk to you all soon! 💜

[unhinged-romione]

Hi!! So, as you know, I really love your fics, and I know you've got a few WIPs going right now... Which one(s) are you currently most excited about? (I'm particularly obsessed with your "What If" Romione Kisses fic, myself, atm. 💗) Do you have anything in the works that isn't already published?

Ahhhh I was also planning on sliding into your inbox but you beat me to it 😆

Honestly, I'm obsessed with "What If" Romione Kisses too lol. I love everything about it—how easy it is to write, charting their evolution from cutie patooties to....well, you'll see 😏, that the chaps are short and do no more than what they're supposed to (i.e. provide a snapshot of quintessential Romione for a given year), how sharing every chapter feels like a celebration with you and the other readers. Aaaaand on that note, Year 4 is linked below 🤩

I'm also excited about my other published WIPs, Mine and Let's Go, but very challenged by them atm 😞 The rest of Mine is focused on Hinny; while I'm itching to share that story, I'm not nearly as practiced at writing Hinny as I am writing Romione. And with Let's Go, there's a lot I want to explore regarding feminism, race, and class in early 2000s Britain but I don't have the energy for that research right now. They'll both get done, just have nooo idea when lol.

As for other things in the works (I love this question sm), I have a Yule Ball AU one-shot featuring transmasc Ron for @hptransfest and I'M SO FREAKING EXCITED!! (Posting begins in June.)

I am also working on an unhinged, canon-compliant-but-stretching-it series exploring Romione from first year to their wedding. The first two stories I'll be sharing in this series are Inseparable and Secrets.

Inseparable is a multi-chap focusing on Romione's separations and reunions in years 3, 6, and 7 from a twin flames perspective. I plan to start posting sometime this month once Romione Kisses is over!

Secrets is a Romione wedding one-shot that was inspired by @romione-trope-fest (but didn't end up making the cut because it's wayyyy too intense for Trope Fest LMAO). My plan is to publish when Inseparable is done (hopefully in August).

Thanks so much for this lovely ask 💙💚💛💜

[beautifulpersonpeach]

BPP I have been thoroughly wrecked by Yoongi. HIS VOICE? HIS CHARISMA??

My god. He's been your bias since debut?! You're strong woman. How did you do it?? One concert and I'm ready to bear kids for him. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

/gen

*

Ask 2: I'm sorry!!! But look at this!!!! twitter com/sujimschim/status/1652517741226790913 looolll I think army's gonna be okay (pun intended lol) Sorry I think I'm having a post wlive high right now. lol Also did you hear about that insanely lucky army who got Yoongi video on their phone AND got to sit next to Jimin during the concert?! Like WOW. I'm amazed. Isn't that harder than the lottery?? lol Ok I'll really stop. Have a good night!!

*

Ask 3: A TO THE G TO THE U TO THE STD

*

Ask 4: Yoongi looks SO GOOD IN WHITE T WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAYYYYYYSSSSSS?!@#@!K?!@! THANK YOU JIMIN FOR SCOLDING YOOOONNNNGGGGIIIIII!!!!!!!!!

*

Ask 5: I love how Yoongi sticks to his first iteration of Sorry for being cute choreo. That choreo is becoming a lore of its own. yoominforlife lol Also OMGGGG his concert haegeum performance is gonna be LIT. I personally really love the name of the song and all the word play that's hidden inside it

*

Ask 6: i want to fuck yoongi till the paint peels off the walls i need to suck his thick fat cock clean empty, gobble his midas balls till i gag and after that read him my deontological critique of neitzche's assertion that god is dead. because god is well and truly alive and i just sucked his balls dry. i was lost and stupid in the wilderness of my ignorance of his divine hotness. i doubted your mind for your esteemed love for him. i was foolish but he has made me a believer. i want to be shoooshed by yoongi. then fuck him till he blacks out. consensually.

sorry. pls don't hate me bpp yoongi just drives me so fucking insane.

*

Ask 7: D-Day tour setlist is INSANE. Banger after friggin baanger Bpp! Have you tried to rank Suga's songs before? All his solo songs too can you rank them Bpp?

***

Hi Anon(s),

Anon in ask 2, your link. And yeah, that person was super lucky. 💜

I need to confess to y’all. I caved and got myself an earlier ticket. Usually, I buy my tickets for later in the tour to give myself time to calm down and adjust. I’d have spoiled the setlist for myself, listened to it ad infinitum till the lyrics were ingrained and my hormones were in equilibrium. But this time I couldn’t wait till the Cali dates, (still going). I had to see Yoongi tonight.

And Christ, I have ascended.

I know I will not be coherent, I’m already trying to self censor as I write , but I want to get this out here because many of you have sent me asks about him, some I know I can’t post ever, so I’m hoping someone else gets it whatever it is I’m tying to say.

…

Yoongi is so beautiful.

Yoongi is a rock star, and I mean that in a literal sense. He makes rock music, thinks like a rock star, and sings like a rock star. His live renditions of Amygdala are the perfect example of this. Pairing screamo rock in the chorus with the guitar solos in the outro, everything about Yoongi's vision for that song is centered around liberation, a value that's inherent to a rock star.

*

(Yes. That’s the objective correct answer.)

I laughed reading all your asks btw. (Anon in ask 6, I see you, I get you, and I don't judge you.) Ranking Agust D's songs is impossible for me. My personal taste is screamo rock and dirty trap or drill, I like songs with distinct percussion, lots of guitars, and/or distortion, voice cracks, autotune, etc. Artists like Nirvana, ONE OK ROCK, Kendrick Lamar, Twenty One Pilots, and Jimin give me bits and pieces of that sound, but no one in BTS knows how to scratch that itch for me better than Yoongi.

He’s just the right kind of insane to speak my language.

The duality that shimmers around Jimin like a mirage and is central to his magnetism, where you can’t be sure of who, what, exactly you’re looking at - man, woman, child, king, snake, panther, cat, metal, silk, fire, ice - all in one. That duality, lives in Yoongi’s music.

It’s elsewhere too, but it lives in his music. Even underneath all of that, he just makes some of the best music around.

That beat change at the end of Shadow? That's music tailor-made for me. Cypher Pt 3, AGUST D (the song), What Do You Think?, Trivia: Seesaw, the live performances of HUH?! and Amygdala are a revelation. All his music sounds perfectly made for me.

I honestly have no choice but to love him.

(I have no words when it comes to Yoongi.)

I won’t exactly rank his music here. I’ll discuss some of my favourites based on things like production, message, flow, feel, etc. Maybe.

Production

724148

This song is criminally underrated. I mean it's a crime more people aren't screaming from the rooftops about how crisp this track is. Listening to 724148 was the first time it really hit me how brilliant Yoongi is as a producer.

So Far Away ft Suran

You need to listen to this song on good speakers. It will change your life for the better. Do that, then come back here and tell me how you feel.

Burn It ft MAX

You know, when I heard the live performance of this song, I called a friend to help me re-calibrate my speakers. To recreate that feel. The production on the song is insane. Not to mention Yoongi's flow in the second verse.

Amygdala

The guitars are placed and layered perfectly. I love how forward the drums are in the mix. The autotune is one of my favourite things about it too. The entire song is perfect.

Daechwita

Am I the only person who hears the same static in the song intro that continues faintly in the foreground for the entirety of the song? As though you're entering a glitch. It's so sick. The main/central beat doesn't vary much, all the texture comes from Yoongi's adlibs. And he does an excellent job elevating it to something more.

*

(It truly embarrasses me that I cannot allow myself to talk about him. He’s that… much.)

Flow / Delivery

You've all seen me go on and on about Jimin's vocals. About how much Jimin's voice is the catalyst for ecstasy when I listen to BTS's music. But Yoongi's voice affects me just as strongly, if not more, in a very different way.

I’m a sucker for the kitten. That insane high pitched thing he does drives me to the limits of my sanity. But he’s also a natural baritone. A nasty one at that. You can hear it in the music he makes. And that’s my kryptonite.

Have you listened to HUH?! Like, really listened to it? Do you hear his flow from 1:08 - 1:15?

Do you hear how disgusting this brat is?

Fuck.

Let’s just move on.

Some favourites where his flow, delivery, switch-ups, is frankly ridiculous:

Shadow

Burn It ft. MAX

AGUST D

HUH?! ft j-hope

Cypher Pt. 3

Aside, the instrumental of this track, along with Cypher Pt. 4, Dionysus trap remix, Danger MMA 2019 version, and We Are Bulletproof Eternal, is incredible.

*

Feel

Honsool

Making a list based on pure vibes, Honsool has to show up. Yoongi captured the unmoored, untethered feeling of drifting through haze, distilled and crystalized into Honsool. Genius.

Give It To Me

What Do You Think?

HUH ft j-hope

Tony Montana ft. Jimin

I'm a sucker for the grit in their voices in this song. The live version specifically.

(He’s such a problem for me y’all…)

*

Not to get into this, but he also does sweet, poppy songs too. Some faves being That That, Amygdala, People, Trivia: Seesaw…

He is a true artist.

And nothing is hotter than that.

*

Message

I started writing this long paragraph about the themes in his music and stopped because I’ve really gone on long enough. I’m barely keeping it together here. I just saw him lose his mind with happiness at the ARMY who disguised her iPhone as a Samsung. That wide smile on his face is still replaying in my head. I’m happy he’s happy, because he’s made me so happy.

Anyway, some fave tracks I reach for, for their message:

5 - Strange ft RM

4 - UGH

3 - Snooze ft Ryuichi Sakamoto & Woosung

2 - Amygdala

1 - People

In a class of its own, I have to mention The Last. That song is a reckoning and wake up call. It's everything and I'm forever proud of Yoongi for making it.

*

Have y’all imagined what the concert will be like in 2026? Have you really sat down to think about what it could look like? Because I have. And it looks like pure bliss. No matter what is happening in the world at that time, I must see BTS.

It’s a decision I made last June, but Yoongi on this tour has breathed fire into that desire. He’s made me want him, crave his sound, daydream of his music playing in my head…

If I could I would’ve sued this man already.

Anyway, Anon in ask 1, welcome to getting wrecked by Yoongi. He is layer upon delightful layer of loyal, creative, tortured beautiful genius hovering just on the edge of insanity. I’m hopeful that he completes his tour as planned, enlists as planned, serves as planned, and is discharged and back to BTS as planned.

In the meantime, I’ll fully enjoy the time he’s spending with us and the music he’s making for us. I’m happy y’all are joining me in this too. 💜

[fathercharlesoffdensen]

BONUS Kloktober 2023, Day 9, feat. Ben & Broos and some of their ani-pals: Inspired by "I Am the Beast" from Dethalbum IV.

"I am running / Dreaming / Running /Dreaming / Fake throw / I run there / No ball / You fooled me / Digesting my regurgitation / This bath of fleas is my damnation / I stand / on the couch / Chastised / I jump down / I drag my underside your way / Carpeting scratch this itch away / I howl to the sky

"I am the beast / It's my domain / And when I speak / You scream my name / I bellow / to the sky / Don't leave me / I greet you / with my foot / Don't leave me"

BONUS BONUS: SLEIPNIR!!!!!!!

For @thortwenty151: ILU 3000 (BROOS2!!!)

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[thepocket221]

Can you do Lorelai Blyndeff on a date with her s/o?

GASP THATS CUTE ACTUALLY OMG

edit: it kept deleting parts of fic so i’m getting rid of the cut! LONG POST WOOOO

On a Date with Lorelai Blyndeff!

🐰🫧💖💜

For her, the destination for your date was just a hop, skip, and a jump. However, you lived further away, so you had to resort to taking the bus. It didn’t help that it was fairly loud and really, really gross.. and that it was a bit behind schedule. Not only yours, but the entire bus times were 5 minutes behind! It began to eat at you; the thought that your significant other might think you’re standing her up! You quickly pull your phone out to reassure her that you would in fact be there! Despite your frantic frenzy to text your girlfriend, your attention had been brought to the the slowing down of the very long vehicle. Okay, this had to be your stop…

It was.

Your unfinished text was shut off with your phone and shoved into your pocket as you scurried off the bus, thanking the bus driver as you left.

It was a little ways off from where you wanted, but you know, running is and option.

An option you didn’t hesitate in making!

You bolted down the sidewalk to your girlfriend, Lorelai Blyndeff, who was looking at her phone; her mannerisms were rather worried.

“L-LORI!!” You yelled with the small amount of breath you had left. Okay, maybe running wasn’t the best option; could have thought that one out more, huh..

Her melancholy body language immediately changed as she quickly turned around, “UGH!! What took you so long!” She pouted playfully only to stumble backwards when you quite literally jumped into her arms. She gave you a lovingly-aggressive hug back.

“hEY-” she nearly pushed the little wind left whilst picking you up and spinning the two of you on the ball of her foot, “some of us don’t live conveniently around the corner from cute shops, LORI.” you teased back as she let your feet touch the floor again. Was she always that strong?? The thought itched the back of your mind.

“Plus, the bus was running late. I tried to text you but I got here as soon as I was about to send it.” You mentioned.

“OH” her shocked demeanor became more known, “Not gonna lie, when I saw how long you were typing, I thought you were breaking up with me.”

“NO!!!?!?!” you huffed, remembering how out of breath you were, “I was [GASP] running here.”

“I could not tell lol.” She teased.

Upon recollecting yourself and your ability to breathe, you were able to take in her full outfit. ‘Oh, she actually went through with it.’ you thought in a positive connotation. She was cosplaying a rather familiar-looking bunny. The way she perfectly styled her hair to look like bunny ears was adorable; she was so creative!

“God, you’re so pretty!” You gushed at your lovely gal pal.

The lovely little Lori in question put a hand on her cheek, twirled her hair, and averted her eyes from you to in her blushy state, “Pfft, aww thanks!” With the same hand that was on her cheek, she removed from there only to make a playful shooing motion at you.

“Anywho, before my little sister bursts a blood vessel because I’m not at work (when i have the day off by the way) let’s go in! I’ve been dying to go here with you!!” Her annoyed tone at the mention of her sister was whisked away as she took your hand and brought you into the café.

The amount of days Lorelai “had off” were very concerning.. Especially considering her family’s financial situation. But if she wanted to spend them with you? You could let the malpractice slide for now.

As soon as the two of you had entered the shop, the little treats, drinks, and various merchandise that seemingly littered the many shelves in a rather hurried-decorative manner had her mesmerized. You too of course, but you were more focused on her lovely flabbergasted expression. She absolutely loved everything she was taking in, even if it was extremely overpriced!

What mainly caught your attention though, was an adorable bunny backpack. It was small in size but oh-so-very-soft to the touch! It wasn’t really Lori’s favorite color, but there’s nothing dye can’t fix! But if you wanted to get it for her, it wouldn’t be today. You can’t just buy a present for someone when they’re in the same store as you! How do you hide that?

Aside from that matter, there was quite a more pressing one at hand: who’s paying for what?

“So uh,,” you piped up, “sorry to ask again, but were you paying for the drinks or was I? I mean, I don’t mind! I just wasted to make sure-”

“Chill, sweet thing. You can pay for yourself, don’t worry about me!” She pointed her thumb back at herself in her usual, overly-confident manor, “My dad slipped me some extra cash, so I could even pay for you!” she grinned.

You wanted to question how Martin was allowed to have any sort of “extra money”, but hey, if Lori was happy, you could let it slide for now.

“Not to mention my 20% discount on food and drink!” Her thumbs quickly turned to a finger gun which she pointed at you! And she winked! Ooh, sassy!

You let out a giggle, “Hehe, alrighty.”

——

The drinks you two had ordered were absolutely scrummy! Just cram-jam full of flavor! Not to mention the chips she had bought were to die for! This place was definitely worth the wait.

“This was a lot of fun!” you began, giving a little kiss to your girlfriend, “Even if it were for a short time, I’m glad i got to spend it with you, Lori.”

The sincerity of your words cut through her heart as she looked at you with dumb tears appearing in the corner of her eye, “Aww, really?” Did she not hear that enough??

“Yeah of course!” You hugged her.

The hug lasted a bit longer than you expected. You didn’t mind of course, you loved your girlfriend and wanted her to feel loved too.

When the two of yo let go of each other, a rather suspicious noise came from behind your back.

‘Shit.’ You thought, ‘Maybe she didn’t hear tha-

“Oh? Did you buy something else?” She gave you a skeptical glance, trying to see what was behind you.

“O-OH- No..! Just the,” what could you possibly make up on the fly that she would totally believe, “The fake plant….?” Nailed it.

“Babe.” Her skepticism turned to a harsh-looking dead pan stare, “Babe, now you have to show me. That was so bad.!” She laughed.

Dammit.

“Okay yeah, that’s fair.” You easily gave up. I mean, you were going to give this to her anyways—just not in its current condition— so it’s not like this is really spoiling any big surprise.

When Lorelai had mentioned they would be going back outside due to the crowd forming, you saw your opportunity! You stated you were going to look around a bit more and that you would meet her on the bench with all of the fake, decorative plants on it. She slipped you a kiss and agreed. Once she had left, you rushed to the bunny plush-shaped backpack and almost slammed it on the counter, “How much for this?” You quickly questioned the cashier. They said 45$, you said sure, and now here you are, the surprise spoiled for you significant other. Darn packaging!!

Nonetheless, youu obliged with her request and brought forth the very crinkly bag, “You can go ahead and open it. I was gonna keep it a surprise until Valentine’s Day, but since I kinda ruined it..” You shrugged with a slightly embarrassed giggled while handing Lorelai the bag.

She took it and immediately looked inside. Her gasp made her sound like the was having a heart attack, and it didn’t help that she dropped the bag. Her agape mouth trembled with glee as her hands began to shake, “OMG BABE YOU DIDN’T!!!?!??!” She quickly picked the bag back up to only pull out another bag! But this was not just any bag! It was the cute little bunny backpack!

“I LITERALLY- OMG I-“ HER EXCITEMENT CANNOT BE CONTAINED!! She hastily grabbed you by your shirt’s collar and pulled you in for a quick yet genuine kiss on the lips. It only lasted a second, but holy balls did it feel like an eternity went by when she did, “I LOVE IT!!!!” She squeezed it.

“Really? I thought-”

“WHATEVER YOU THOUGHT IS COOL AND ALL BUT I WILL LOVE AND CHERISH THIS FOREVER OMG I LOVE YOU!!!” Man she really did like bunnies, huh.

You giggled as you managed to find one of her hands and slipped it into your own, “I’m glad, Lori.” You kissed her hand.

Today was a good day.

[sweeterthanthis]

Not In That Way

Pairing: Carter Baizen x Female Reader

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings: Tiny bit of angst, dubcon if you squint, degradation, throat fucking, spit play, vaginal sex, asphyxiation, throat pie. 18+.

A/N: This was supposed to be a drabble for an ask that @buckyownsmylife received, which you can find HERE. But it kinda expanded just a touch. I have never written Carter before and I've never seen GG, so I've no idea if this is even any good. Enjoy 💜

All my works are 18+. If you click the read more tab, you are agreeing that you are 18 or over, have read the warnings and take responsibility for your own media consumption. I do not consent to having my work translated or posted anywhere else.

"I'm sorry, I don't know if I'm hearing this right. You're gonna have to speak up, kitten."

You feel rage searing through your veins, your eyes welling with tears and your fists balled at your sides. Carter Baizen has always been an asshole. You've always been able to see through the preppy, cunning facade, ever since middle school. And he's never bothered to hide it from you. Not you.

He'd never tell anyone that he was sleeping with the shy, quiet, 'virgin'. Too wrapped up in the debutant, pretty, rich boy lifestyle to ever give you anything other than a secretive rendezvous here and there. But it wasn't enough for you anymore, and you hated yourself for loving him. He'd never want you. Not in that way.

"I'm not doing this anymore, Carter. I won't do this anymore," you tell him, voice shaky and unsure. He simply smirks, those bright baby blues sparkling with amusement as he makes his way over to you. 

"Oh, you're not doing this anymore? That's cute, kitten. That's real fucking cute," Carter grins, just feet away, "there's just one tiny problem with that. You don't get to tell me when it's over."

He pinches your chin between his thumb and forefinger, towering over you as he leans in, forcing a sloppy, open mouthed kiss against your lips. You rip your head away in disgust, wiping at your mouth with the back of your hand. It's all for effect though. An act. The flesh of your bare thighs clench together beneath your skirt, shuffling in your seat as slick gathers at your core. 

"You're a fucking asshole," you spit, your teeth chewing at the inside of your cheek as you try to stop yourself from telling him to fuck off.

"I am an asshole, but you love it. Pretty little thing like you? Bet you could get yourself a half decent boyfriend if you tried," he leans in, hands gripping the arms of the chair, "but you don't want that, do you? You're not happy unless you've got a mouth full of my cock, and we both know it."

You hate the way your cunt clenches around nothing, the way your eyes flicker to the prominent bulge straining beneath his slacks. You want to reach for it, feel the weight of it in your palm again, and you hate yourself for that, too. 

"Aww, look at my girl," he coos, patronising you in a way only he can, "big, brave baby came here to break it off with me? And now she can't stop thinking about my cock? Go ahead, you can have it. Just take it."

Every rational brain cell in your head is telling you to sock him in his cocky, smug face. But the part of you inside that's aching to feel him stretch out your mouth again? That part is screaming, itching to take over all coherent thought. 

"I hate you," you whisper, your hands betraying you as you reach for his belt buckle, making slow - yet, light - work of pulling his dick free. You can't help but wet your lips at the sight of it, so perfect in length, a girth that most men his age would give their left arm for, the bulbous crown leaking with precum and twitching against your palm. 

"Look at you. Cock drunk already, and you haven't even had a taste yet," he chuckles, his knuckles grazing your cheek with a faux softness that makes you shudder, "open up for me, kitten."

You don't know why you do it, but you do - shuffling to the edge of your seat and parting your lips, a breathy moan escaping your throat at the first taste of the salty droplets as he rests the tip on your tongue. You look up at him with wide, innocent eyes; a grunt of satisfaction rumbling low in his chest at the sight of you lapping at the head. 

"You act like a good girl, but we both know that once you get your lips around my dick, you're anything but. Suck it," he orders, feeding his length into your mouth slowly, canting his hips when he reaches the back of your throat. 

Your movements are slow and unsure at first, just like always; but the feel of his cock hardening against the roof of your mouth makes you feel powerful. Makes you feel like you're the one in control, because you have the ability to make him whimper and cry for release.

Carter fucks into your mouth, filthy, sloppy sounds as he crams as much of himself down your throat as he can. You gag obscenely, trying to steady your breathing through your nostrils as you hollow your cheeks around his heavy shaft.

"That's it. Fuck, you're so filthy. Always let me fuck that pretty mouth like it's a pussy," he lets out a low whine then, your tongue flat against your chin as you bob your head back and forth, your hand reaching for his warm, smooth sac; twisting his balls gently in your hand, earning a hiss of pleasure from him. 

"There she is. There's my kitten. Always so fucking eager to please me," his fingers tangle in your hair, jerking your head back as you gasp for breath during a moment of reprieve, "you know I love that mouth, but I love that tight cunt a whole lot more. Turn around, ass in the air." 

Spittle dripping from your swollen lips, you scramble to do as he says, your knees resting on the seat and your hands clutching at the mahogany frame. You wince at the sound of material ripping, your ass bare to him as he decimates the barrier preventing him from sliding home. 

"You came here to break up with me, but conveniently forgot to wear panties? Baby, you must think I'm fucking stupid," his fingers dip between your sodden folds, and you shiver when you feel the slick trail of his spit slip down over your asshole, dripping further until it settles between your lips, as if you weren't wet enough already. "You always did go wild over that first stretch, didn't you?"

The noise that leaves your throat as he splits you open is almost primal, your back arching as you push back against him, wanting every last inch of his cock deep inside your fluttering cunt. 

You can barely keep yourself balanced, the chair jerking beneath you, his hand curling around your throat from behind as he yanks your body up to collide with his; knees quaking and your hands reaching for his wrist to steady yourself. 

"You're mine, you understand? We're not done until I say we're done," he growls against your ear, your pulse thumping as the grip on your throat grows tighter, "and maybe I won't let you go at all. Gonna be the perfect little slut for me until I get bored of fucking you."

You sob, pleasure rippling through you as he pounds into you, your heat sucking him in, each thrust of his hips sending you closer to the blissful eruption that you crave so desperately. 

"You gonna come already, kitten? Fuck, feels so good," he breathes, one hand on your waist, guiding you back against him. 

You were. You were so fucking close already, teetering on the edge of sheer euphoria, taking every brutal invasion of his cock with the sweetest of cries. Your pulse thrummed against his fingers, vision blurring from the lack of oxygen and the sensation of his girth fucking you open.

"P-please," you sob, letting your head fall back against his shoulder, your body pliable and his to use as he pleases. 

"Come on, kitten. Come all over my dick," he whispers against your cheek, sharp, insistent juts into you as you shake in his possessive hold. 

Your eyes cross and your toes curl, every muscle in your body tightening all at once, a wave of white hot pleasure crashing over you as you cry out his name, his movements reducing to slow, languid, sloppy thrusts. 

He lets you ride it out, fucks you through the pleasure and pulls every last drop out of you before he's manhandling you, your knees hitting the floor before you can register it. 

"Gonna clean the mess off my cock, shine it up for me and let me empty my balls down that slutty throat,"

You're in a daze, out of it as you jerk his cock into your mouth, lapping up the salty-sweet taste of your cunt from his flesh, his cock throbbing against your tongue as you let the saliva fall freely from the corners of your mouth. You have no shame like this. Not with him. 

"Fuck, kitten, m'gonna come," he grunts, gritting his teeth and holding your head down onto him, nose nestled in the course hair that sits at the base of his cock. 

The muscles of his stomach tighten against your forehead, balls drawing up against your chin and his hot, thick, sticky spend splashing at the back of your bruised, fucked out throat. 

You feel his thumb stroke against the column of your neck as he shakes, curses spilling from his lips as he empties every last drop. 

Carter pulls free of your mouth, and you swallow instantly; humming in dumbstruck contentment at the warmth trickling down your throat. 

"See, kitten. Goes down almost as easy as you did."

[inquisimer]

MER I bring you fluffy fluff! 'immediately looking at the other after telling/doing something funny in hope to see their smile' for cullavellan?

FLUFFY FLUFF FLUFF FOR YOU ROSELLA💜💜💜 and an honorable mention to @dreadfutures, who sent me the exact same prompt for the exact same ship tonight😂

Some pre-Origins era Neria x Cullen, for @dadrunkwriting

~~~

The hallways at Kinloch were crowded. It was the interval between lessons and apprentices and mages alike pressed through the stone passageways, heading for their quarters, or their classrooms, or the library, depending on their schedules. There was a buzz of mana in the air, apprentices practices cantrips and basic spells before their exams, or senior mages making an example of their unruly students. Outside it all, Templars stood watch; one at each doorway, their watchful gazes hidden by bucket-like helmets.

Neria shouldered through the throng so Anders wouldn’t have to; she knew his shoulder was still bruised from the dislocation he’d endured in his latest escape attempt. And Solona was no help; she trailed in their wake, face buried in her notes about their upcoming entropy exam.

“Makers balls, I wish they’d stagger these transitions,” Anders complained. Neria snorted.

“No one ever accused the Knight-Commander of such logic.”

Mercifully, they made their way to the edges of the hall; as long as they hugged the stone walls, they could maintain a modicum of breathing room. A wisp, trailing along at one of the apprentice’s shoulders, passed over Neria’s head with a whisper, though Anders was tall enough that he had to dodge to avoid dissipating the spell.

“Do you think Sweeney will quiz us on paralysis spells? I know they were on the last exam but—“

“Who cares if he asks you to do a paralysis spell, Sol?” Neria rolled her eyes, glancing over one shoulder at her friend. “You’ve had paralysis spells mastered for two years.”

“But what if—“

“Freeze me. Right now.”

“I can’t—“

“Do it,” Neria insisted. “Otherwise you’ll be insufferable through our entire break and I won’t stand for that.”

Solona’s head snapped up at that, her neatly kept bob whipping back around sharp cheekbones. Her eyes blazed with indignation and the fire in them answered the clear challenge in Neria’s jutted chin. Suddenly, an invisible vise clenched around her legs and an opaque barrier rose in a cylinder around her face.

Anders nearly slammed into her as Solona’s paralysis spell froze her in her tracks.

Neria would have smiled, but the spell affected her facial muscles as well. Still, the point was proved and relief filled Solona’s expression. She didn’t release the spell, however, as her eyes focused over Neria’s shoulder and mirth chased away her satisfaction.

The spell didn’t negate Neria’s hearing, though it did cause an unbearable itch at her ear strained to twitch toward the muffled laughter coming from a few yards in front of them. Solona stepped closer, a devious smirk overtaking her features.

“Your Templar is laughing at you,” she breathed against Neria’s ear. If the elf weren’t frozen, she would’ve spluttered—exactly as she did when her friend released the spell a moment later. As she caught her breath, she clasped Solona’s shoulder with one hand, pretending to steady herself.

“He’s not my anything,” she hissed. But she turned too quickly for someone who wasn’t at least somewhat invested.

Cullen was indeed chortling, though he was trying to hide it. He’d pulled his helmet off and one hand was pressed against his mouth; ostensibly, he could be coughing. Neria knew better, though. His eyes glinted in the magelight and there was a hint of white where his hand hadn’t quite covered his smile.

He had a nice laugh, she knew. Soft and gently, comforting like the crackle of a fire in the hearth in the midst of winter. It was restrained, like most of his emotions, but the corners of his eyes would crinkle if he were truly amused, and his cheeks would dimple with even the smallest smile.

An unreasonable bout of pleasure flooded Neria’s chest and she ducked her head to hide her own grin, both from her friends and from any unsavory watchful eyes. It wouldn’t do either of them to be caught—though not technically illicit, their occasional dalliances in friendship were liable to see both of them punished, one way or the other.

“Sure he isn’t.” Solona snorted and they continued pushing their way toward their quarters. Anders scowled at both of them. Of course he didn’t approve of her associating with a Templar—but he didn’t know how those brief trysts of leisure with Cullen had pushed the longing in Neria’s heart even closer to his radical ideals.

Once, she’d been simply content with her life; with the roof over her head, with the food on her table, with the friends she’d accumulated. It was safe in the Circle—how many times had Wynne told her, or Irving?

The tower not only protects the outside world from mages. It protects mages from the outside world.

But how could she be content, when she knew that those curls were soft like silk and would glide across her hand like a gentle stream if she carded her fingers through them, yet she was forbidden to do so where others might see? She might not yearn for the kind of freedom Anders coveted; she might not wish to free all mages in every Circle around Thedas. But she did imagine a world where she might be friends with anyone she chose, anywhere she chose, and none would strike her for it.

She didn’t dare let her mind dream of anything more than that.

They passed Cullen’s station and Neria didn’t spare him a second glance. But she conjured a wisp of her own, and let it dance around his head like a firefly on a summer evening. Any ignorant observer might have thought her merely clumsy; or perhaps they would have thought the Templar incompetent, for he made no move to Cleanse the magic that flickered before his eyes.

Cullen’s smile widened again, and his lips parted in a half concealed chuckle that Neria could only appreciate from the corner of her eye.

“Come on,” she said buoyantly, linking her arm with Solona’s and pointedly ignoring Anders’ stormy gaze. “I still need to practice miasmas for the exam.”

[spacetimewraithwrites-archive]

Find the Word Tag Game

tagged by: ah, a tag-back chain! I didn’t recognize that I was part of something so precious. I’m in the loop now. this is why open tags were invented so @sleepyowlwrites can get me up to speed on my oversights lmao 💜 my words: one, twelve, five, seven, twenty tagging: @sleepyowlwrites, @writinginslowmotion, @drippingmoon, @ashen-crest, @drabbleitout, anyone who wants to, and that guy behind you. yeah, him. your words: table, spend, chair, shallow, carry

one (Eternal)—

As they were paraded through the base, bystanders growled and snapped at them. Warren became more irritated at each one that whipped a bladed tentacle at them; he was developing a headache from not being able to breathe properly.

"Thrive—"

"Don't talk," he warned as they all turned a corner and started down a long corridor. "Conserve your breath."

Warren shook his head and realized he was beginning to slow down. "I'm gonna pass out." The eliyi behind him shoved him, and he stumbled.

Thrive turned to the Foremaster restraining him. "He needs oxygen—I can provide him with it. I'll need my hands free to do so." He frowned at their harsh reply. "My cooperation relies on him. If he asphyxiates, so do you."

twelve (Meridian)—

Calen got the shuttle off the ground and into the atmosphere. "Thoeala's already onboard, and Ataneq is en route via the Node."

This caught Thrive's attention. "Ataneq's joining the evac team?"

"Someone dropped the ball on that one," Corin muttered.

"He's fully capable," Calen sighed. "He's not a child anymore and he wants to help."

Warren's brow furrowed. "Not a child? He's twenty…"

Roel glanced at him. "Physically speaking, that's only twelve years younger than you."

"Literally speaking, shut the fuck up, Roela'lathri."

five (Rebirth)—

Their wordlessness grew until the pressure was too great.

"...What do we do, here?" Warren said, his mouth dry.

"Perhaps not a lot." Thrive's hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, almost itching to do something, to keep busy. "There are things we need to discuss, but I'm not going to expect you to be up for doing that now."

"You waited [just...way too long ok] to talk to me, dude. You don't need to wait another five minutes."

"It's not only about you and me."

"That's something we need to talk about?"

Warren watched Thrive hesitate, but he didn't get a chance to say anything as a gentle knock on the door interrupted their conversation.

seven three + four (Meridian + Rebirth)—

"Very well. If that's the case, you can consider your Consortium status revoked."

Thrive paused. "Why is this the hill on which you choose to die, Delegate? The qrihk are people in need of stability. There is no room for them in Ashva at this time. Tournaltis has two out of three moons being unused—"

"Sir, with all respect due, you need to follow the goddamn orders we give you. Your return to Tournaltis will result in immediate revocation of Consortium status and an inquiry will be launched into the occupation of the planet."

She hung up, leaving a thick silence hanging in the air of the bridge.

Warren came back from however many light years away he’d mentally been and turned a slow, deep frown onto the pilot sitting at the helm.

"...Your Majesty," the pilot said at length. "Your Highness. For what it's worth, if I may, I didn't think—"

"You made that pretty clear. You're fired," Warren interrupted. "Get the fuck off my bridge."

The pilot nodded, hurrying away from the helm and through the door.

—

"Wait a second," Warren blurted. "Are you using your—"

Osillo turned their head to look at him, and his suspicions were confirmed; they were using their clouded eye to peer through the sight. Warren swallowed, realizing how he'd just come off, and he cleared his throat.

"I just mean, uh…"

"Yes," Osillo said. They adjusted the aim of the rifle again, steadying their grip, and they stilled like a stone as they looked into the sight once more. "I do not need to see perfectly...as I have been doing this…" They fired, accommodating for the kickback as the quieted shot zipped through the air. "...For centuries." They cocked the rifle again and aimed slightly to the right. "I was Captain of Their Resplendent OmmilliCulos' personal guard…" Fire. Aim. "...Silver Commander of the Highfleet for the Cyrio Faction…" Fire. Aim. "...Was trained by my predecessor in the Royal Guard…" Fire. Aim. "...And the night I received my facial injury I held this eye open for four straight days watching through this very weapon as I staked out an attempt on my clairvoyant-empath's life." Fire.

Warren raised his eyebrows. "The clairvoyant-empath on Yalis."

Osillo slid the entire top half of their body out of the window, using nothing but core strength to hold upright. They cocked the rifle and aimed again. "...No." They fired, paused for a second, then lowered the gun. "That's all of them."

twenty (Eternal)—

"Where are we?"

"I don't know. I just got here myself. It's...good to see you."

Thrive turned as Warren swiped perspiration from his brow with the sleeve of his jacket. He found himself being scrutinized, and Thrive approached him, his eyes narrow, untrusting.

"How do I know that you're the man I left on the bridge of the Ganymede?"

"The fact that I actually know what the Ganymede is? C'mon." Warren surveyed himself in the mirror on the wall above the dresser. "Do I look twenty-nine to you? Do these crow's feet and the duffel bags under my eyes indicate that I've had just not enough stress lately?" He sighed sadly. "These are never going away, are they? Shit."

[absurdthirst]

dear @20skai

i went to PP earlier this year and was fortunate to have a very compassionate doctor and nurse. they described it to me like 3 cramps and narrated as they went along “here’s the first... second... third”. I asked for a squishy stress relief ball to hold and they had one and I focused on my breathing. I swore a few times, because the pressure was uncomfortable. a friend took me because i was tired. I had a heating pad for my stomach and the sweat warmers on for my lower back. i felt better each day after that.

I highly recommend taking the rest of the day and maybe the next off because the cramping can zap your energy and ability. the blunt end of the string will scratch/itch but (after washing your hands) if you can feel it, you can try to push it to adjust it (not pull!!) the string softens and adjusts overtime.

trust your instincts 💜

💕💕💕

[themusicsweetly]

I tell ya...I'm truly love this 2 goofballs. I love the characters, acting, and just them a individuals. And..The new cast is growing on me. Mr W should have his own show and I hope he stays w/ the show for a long while / Not the DG's ending. I wander if they filmed this scene right around the time the went to that exotic game restaurant / Chocolate ants etc...I don't know about U guys--but my legs started itching seeing the ants bite C-Yikes! Have a lovely week all-AnonScruffysigningout

Scruffy! Good to hear from you again.

Can I just say yes, yes, yes, *itch*, YES to all of this?? I know there have been mixed feelings among fans, but for me this season has been amazing. I knew I was going to love the Shipnanigans, but oh my GOODNESS do I LOOOOOVE the Shipnanigans! Cait + Sam always say how it’s like a new show every season with how much they change and the new places they get to go to. Well, this second half of the season is like an entirely new show from the first. What a complete 180 we’ve gotten on Claire and Jamie’s lives. That’s such a credit to both the actors and the writers that we get such a seamless view of both the before and after of the separation. And all I can say is God bless the rains down in South Africa!

I’m holding my breath until after the Governor’s ball to put any hope into Yi Tien Cho’s fate. So far they’ve done an incredibly wonderful job with his character. I cannot praise their choices and their changes enough. It’s honestly one of the best POC adaptions for television. So I’m hoping that translates into the nixing of the storyline with *SPOILER ALERT* Yi Tien Cho sexually assaulting that woman. The can still have him end up saving Claire at the plantation without all that nonsense. It would be OOC now that they’ve changed many of his characteristics, anyway. *end spoiler alert* But I’d so read a short story of all his poetry. Or watch a mini series of his pre-Jamie life. Or one of Claire and him having BAMF Sassenach adventures together xD

Those ants freaked me the F out. Apparently there weren’t as many ants as we saw on screen, but still. Caitriona gets HUGE BAMF points for going all in on the stunts this season. She and Sam are amazing for being willing and able to do so much themselves! (x)

I’m bummed that there are only two episodes left -- this season has just sailed by!... (I should be dodging rotten tomatoes right now, shouldn’t I? xD) But I’m also so excited to see how they’ll close this season out. It’s sure to be a jam packed adventure, luckily with a very happily ever after this time! 💜

Enjoy your week, Scruffy!

[sciapod]

But I could feel a darting of thoughts from here to there, like your life, your mind, your memories formed a wall and you are playing squash with it. We get to read the part where the ball lands, illuminating something that holds meaning to you, but for us, it's just a fragment of a thought/memory.

Wow, girl 🥺 This is sooo beautifully described! And together with 'restless energy' ⚡ You captured in that image the exact feeling I sat with, when I wrote it.

This is also very much how I wrote it. Darting thoughts, eager to get them all down, to see the odd connections, also with typos making new meanings; often more precise than what I intended to write. Or at least more funny. 😅

I am moved that I wrote something, that gave you goosebumps 🥺💜

Regarding publishing these thoughts: I've been writing like this [journaling] for maybe 5 years. More, perhaps. Slowly finding a voice that I enjoy and find authentic. Truthfully, I probably went through 10 old, similar docs yesterday, before I found one that I thought made sense to share.

Anther thing is that for these last 5 years or so, I've listened to a helluva lotta podcasts all chanting "write your experiences! share your thoughts! Be vulnerable! Whatever means something to you, whatever tickles your fancy, there is someone out there who has the same itch/the same fancy!" That really helps me to find the courage to release it, and be calm with the flaws and weirdness I describe.

That goes for most of my writing, also my fics.

It's a slow process. Don't feel pressured to do it at all! ❤️ Ofc it takes some courage, but this is just me. Plain old, weird me. I've always been comfortable with my own weirdness, but it's been a process of letting others see it. (There's also a reason why I post it here, and not on, say, Facebook. Tumblr is more anonymous.)

I can't put a finger on why I thought this was appropriate to share, that was just... A feeling. 🦄 A sense. That someone would see something in it, because I felt something too. And I wanted to share that something.

Lots of love to you, darling! 💜 Just keep writing your journal in privacy, and be proud of who you are 💜 that way, you just might one day come to appreciate what you write about yourself 💜 the good and the ugly! 💜🦄

Freewriting, Session One

Monday, Marth 3rd

A practice in writing.

What can I write about?

My deep inspiration –no– that's not the word, motivation? No? Interest? Passion? Conviction? Dwelling into… Invisible Monsters.

It just strikes me as a story – and writing style – of which I can really, truly relate! The spontaneity, the revulsion, lol, the … weirdness of it all. I am really drawn to it, I love it. I enjoy it. I feel that I can reflect in it – both myself, my life and my wiring? Writing style.

Ah. To be a friend. To be a writer.

I want to start a blog. Shut up, be serious. Talk plainly, talk clearly, talk honestly, most of all. Write honestly. A reader can tell if you aren’t being honest.

Here goes my honesty, all cards on the table. I write and I already have a blog. My instagram keeps growing stale, stagnating. Stagnation. Another page grows to fruition. Bears fruit. Bear of fertility? Bear of fruition. Bear of wonder. Bear of creativity.

Black cat of wonder.

The eagerness, the rebellion. The John Travolta – Danny – of cats.

To write is to live. To love is to die. Crash. The air is blossoming. Blooming. Pollenation. Pollution. It has dropped in recent times, irony. It’s due to a virus. People are forced – some say guilted – to stay home. Just as the weather got good and the sun came out and the sky turned blue and the birds started singing. And the joy arose – as quickly as it had to be hidden away again.

(Qeen/queen? Queer?)Green eyes starting about. Intensely listening. Scratch.

I wonder how long it will take. How long we will suffer. And I’m not even thinking about the people who are actually sick. I’m thinking of the people who are at home, and would rather not. Then we have people who’d rather be at home, but are not. Now, of all the times in the world of her 28-year life; Now she gets a contract for a full-time job. A year of scanning products and pricing and repackaging and putting alarms on Lego boxes and pantihoes. What a mess.

Can I take you into my mind? Can I swallow you whole, make you taste my experience?

It was never my intention until I found out that I could – then I stopped.

It’s a bad habit I have, one of many. Another is promises. I hate promises, mostly because I can never keep them myself. It’s as if as soon as I make one, something triggers inside me that makes me break it – it forces me – no, it lures me into hiding. To succumb to rejection, to… hostility, to… isolation. Self isolation. Distraction and… abandonment. I can’t help it. Has it always been like this? Have I always hated – despised – commitment? I don’t think so. I’ve committed to plenty of things before. Perhaps it has just gotten worse, as my life has grown into even stronger uncertainty in general. Why can’t I just rest in the uncertainty?

Or can I? Is it what I have managed to do, without noticing?

- Actual 10 minutes of freewriting starts here -

I want to write? My bicycle, I want to write my bike… what is this nonsense?

What is it that my can cat has just found under the rug, only to quickly hide it away again? Followed by a loud, demanding meow and a stare.

Kitties are strange, when they are strangers… faces look ugly, when they’re alone… That’s not it, lol. An ugly demeanor. What a word. Ugly word.

This is gibberish. Is that how they wrote the lyrics to that song? Ji--ji-gibberish!

Have I noticed any peculiar people lately? No, not really, I’m in quarantine…

To be honest, and I shall, I’m one of the few people who are not in quarantine. Lol. I have, as a matter of fact, been among people. Not that it’s my first priority. Any day. At all.

My best place is among my cats, spiders and stuffed (taxidermied) birds. That’s life. How… gruefull. Domesticated cats. Spiders in little glass boxes. A dead bird perched on a branch, bedazzling our wall. Not even in death could it escape and be free of a cat's claws. It looks as if I –no, it– had a wild and crazy night out. The worst hangover ever. Staring down at me with it’s still, blank eyes. Dead eyes. Plastic or glass or whatever they’re made of now.

And I’m supposed to be a person. I pretend to be one, with my clothes and my makeup and four walls with furniture inside. Looking through the window at nature outside, the sun shining upon it. Leaves whistling in the wind, but I can’t be sure. Maybe it’s a ghost. These windows are new and isolated well, so I can’t hear shit anymore.

I would have been able to tell you whether we still can hear the children screaming in their lunch break, but then again, quarantine. The school’s closed. School’s out for summer! And spring too, apparently.

I wonder, are these things fun to read? Would – do– people enjoy reading this stuff? Bewilderment… random flows of thought, unsolicited. I don’t even know if that’s a proper word for that context, but it’s the one my brain gave me. Gifted me. The one wrought out of my memory. My poor memory.

So much is expected of it, it seems. But then it’s not even cherished. Get’s cast away, to the side, like a piece of wrapping paper.

Wrap my head in memories, figure that. A face full of wrapping paper. Or was it a fist? A head… stuffed in my mouth. I could choke, if it weren’t because I’m suddenly the human manifestation of this weird monkey toy I had as a child. You could just force paper into its mouth and it’d vanish. Like into a black hole.

That’s where most of my memories go. That’s where most of my thoughts seem to come from, too. Fishing in a black hole, you never know what you’re gonna get. Where you’re gonna go. Where does a goanna go, when it wants to go on a trip? Nobody knows where a goanna goes, ‘cause only a goanna knows where a goanna goes.

Is there a current in the black hole of streams? A stream of black holes? The stream of a black hole? Let’s find out, Fail forwards, someone once said. Let’s fall into the stream of a black hole and see where the current takes us. It can probably only be a horror. A surrender. A cruel, although blissful ending.

15 minutes left. Curfew. Then it’s soup time. Noodle soup, lol.

I also need to draw. That’s one more thing I keep putting off. Especially the drawings I’ve promised to do for people. Especially the drawings I take payment to do. Damnit, I don’t want to. But still, I do. Because there’s so much potential and possibility! But does it even matter if I don’t put my heart into it?

Or is it that I do, but fear and uncertainty and fear of my own not-enoughness keeps me from it? The good old feeling of imposter syndrome? Or is it just a coming to terms of my honest insufficient skills? Which is fair – it’s good to know your own shortcomings! Don’t knock yourself on the head because of it. Have fun with it – do what you can do. You’re too far in to say, “I can’t. Get someone else to do it.” Also, that’s a bitter relief. It won’t make you happy.

Also, you don’t know what you can do, if you really push yourself.

Actually, you do. Look at Gandhi cat. That thing is a-m-a-z-i-n-g. It took serious hard work and dedication, and NOW you know what it takes, and what good it can do. How you can utilize it. Make some coin. Dollars.

Thank you for trying to get back into the habit of writing again. Being creative. It gives you so much value, Mie. And remember to share it. Write on stage. Draw on stage. <3 It’s only about you, and it’s not about you. It matters, and it doesn’t matter. It’s holy and divine, and it isn’t at all, all at once. It’s beautiful and meaningless and ugly and meaningful. Which is why it’s so damned necessary and crucial. For your life. For a un-creative life is not worth living, at least not for you.

And your divine honesty and horny-ty is essential and beautiful and should be cherished and not taken lightly, but also, at the same time, should be taken very lightly. So be it. <3

Four minutes.

Take some time to work on your text for your website tonight. But also to draw. Please draw. Can you draw for an hour? An hour every day of this week. See how far it will get you. Push yourself. No guilt, no shame. No worries. Just draw. Try. Be happy. Enjoy it, have fun. Try. Make mistakes. Flaws. Be flawed. The faster you put in the work, the faster you get better. The better you get. Noone ever got anywhere amazing without being flawed. Without making mistakes. Without making a complete and utter fool of yourself, without laughing at yourself. Without taking the steps. Without taking the steps into fear. Step alongside fear. Take fear by the hand, or the balls, or the pussy, whatever works for you. You put fear in its place. Don’t let it rule you. Have fun with it, and then shake it off.

___

I have taken up freewriting in sessions of 10-minute bursts. Once the 10 minutes are done, I will either go back and edit, or continue on another route depending on my flow of inspiration. If I happen to find it sharable, well, I will. Like this one. That said, I won’t be sharing every one.

I hope you enjoyed reading these scattered thoughts of a young woman.

If you want to read more, here's my Masterlist.

TagCrew in the reblog 🖤