#my autism sense of justice got fired up

[hazbinsponsoredbyvee]

Can we please normalize being trashy in this blog

Quack anon is trying so hard to baby and confort everyone like ur not doing anything they are grown ppl

If they are sad they can cry about it

This is not okay. Everyone is free to interact with the characters however they want to. If Quack anon or anyone else wants to show love/comfort/kindness to the characters, then that's great! I mean, honestly, if everyone was just constantly trash-talking the characters, I would just delete the blog because I come to tumblr to get away from negativity. I don't have a problem with a couple people spicing things up by bullying the characters, but when that rudeness is directed at other people, then we have a problem.

You don't get to dictate how anyone else interacts with the characters, and I will absolutely not condone putting down other people for the ways they choose to interact. I'm honestly on the fence about just banning you (especially since I'm pretty sure you sent another similar messages), but I think it's only fair to give you this warning first. I wish I could do it privately, but that's the limitation of anonymity.

Quack anon, if you read this, just know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you interact! Your presence on this blog is appreciated, and please don't take anything this person said to heart! No one should feel like they're being judged by what they send in. If you are uncomfortable and would prefer I delete this post, let me know. I also have another ask in my inbox I'm pretty sure was sent by the same person, that I can use to ban them.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for complaining about a teacher?

context before i start: the class i'm in takes up 3 hours of the day, and was the only reason i came to this school in the first place. it's an art school and is supposed to be somewhat serious—like, you have to apply to get in. but the 2 years i've been here we've had like 4 teachers (+ there have been even more before that) and none of them have been qualified for the job whatsoever

our newest teacher just got out of college and doesn't know what she's doing. she doesn't assign work that's actually creatively challenging, 1 hour of class time is usually dedicated to a really bad prompt and the rest of the time is independent work, it's barely an actual art class. she also never talks to the class and doesn't really have a clue what's going on ever. supposedly she has a degree but she just seems so. confused. the reason i'm still at this school is because i know people here who live upwards of 40 minutes away who i'm very close with + along with that i'm also autistic so any kind of drastic change would be hell. unfortunately leaving, though it would be the best option for me, is just not an option at all

anyway, we're already a quarter of the way through the year and people are still saying to cut her some slack because she's... new. which is kind of exactly what the issue is? i went through something similar to this last year because one of our previous teachers gave me really bad vibes and just didn't really work, so i complained about her to my classmates, and then i went to the administration about some issues i was having and she ended up quitting a few weeks after. people thought i got her fired on purpose. i was a little bit overly angry looking back so idk i can't blame them

anyway, i recently went to the admin about this new teacher (unlike last time, i tried to "give her grace" and hope for improvement, even though... idk... i just don't see it happening) but haven't really held back in complaining about her to my classmates too. most of the time people will say i'm being overly negative, or they don't want her to get fired, and honestly it's just fucking wild to me. they've also made comments about how she's not a good teacher! like everyone agrees that she's just not ready for this position and they're really sick of not being able to learn things! when i do complain though it's like i'm messing up some kind of social contract there is to just not do anything about the problem we're having and it's really confusing and frustrating

but at the same time i do wonder if this is me being overly critical and nitpicky of a situation that i shouldn't be. to me, because of aforementioned autism, i have a really strong sense of justice. this kind of stuff seriously bothers me and it upsets me that nobody else is as affected by the unfairness as i am?? idk. i just want the class to actually be worthwhile because the academics are really good

so AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[meowmeowriley]

Hi MeowMeow Costume anon here sorry it’s taken a couple days for me to reply life got busy finding one’s honour is harder then I thought!

You want my autistic head canons for Zuko? Strap in for some unhinged rambling because I have ✨thoughts✨ this will be long

(CW: implied child abuse (Fuck Ozai))

Zuko likes music (Iroh mentiones he’s talented with the Tsungi horn) and his swords I also think he would have picked up dancing at some point with how he moved during dance of the dragons.

When he’s around people he trusts he emotes more with his face and masks less in general and I’d say if he felt safe enough he’d do more overt (for him) stimms like humming, minor rocking or tugging on his hair Iroh would be one of his safe people and eventually the gaang would be too

*I don’t think he’d have very obvious stimms in general being raised royal he’d be expected to act a certain way and hand flaps are not it. Also flaming 💩lord Ozai would have seen any aberrations as weakness and stamped that shit out fast

*I honestly think it could be one of the reasons the flaming 💩lord despises Zuko being inherently different would be a weakness in his eyes and reflect badly on him

I think he and May get along well because they’re both autistic and are a safe space for each other. she has trouble processing her emotions he has trouble controlling his they make good emotional counter balances

He cares so much about the people and animals around him even his enemies a strong sense of justice is a common sign of autism and speaking out of turn was the initial reason for his banishment.

He’s so socially awkward he doesn’t know how to talk with people instead of at them his entire pep talk to himself and subsequent introduction to the gaang when he tries to join them is peak “how do you do fellow kids” and his “that’s rough buddy” is as iconic as it is socially inept.

The guy totally hyper fixated on hunting the Avatar and when he could no longer find his purpose in it and realised he was wrong he did not cope

He has no tackt. none. and he takes things at face value and he hates lying his humour is also a little left leaning and he tries to relate to others and their experiences as a way of bonding.

While he’s not a prodigy fire bender like his sister he found ways around his limitations that helped accentuate his natural talents like his sword fighting (dancing would help with sword work) being incorporated into his bending (I don’t remember any other character bending with weapons).

He’d know a lot about tea from Iroh and I think he enjoyed working in the tea shop

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk!

I hope these make sense it’s kinda late now but this was fun to write thanks for reading my insane rambles :D

Also in response to the (non gendered) Prince! line you gave me so much surprise gender euphoria I cried 😭🫠🥹 sincerely thank you. I’m going with he/him pronouns atm but he/they is something I want to look into.

if you don’t mind me asking what are your pronouns?

I’ll probably send another ask in the next couple of days to annoy you with lol but in the meantime have a great day!

Sorry I took so long to get back to this, but damn I needed it today so I guess it's good I kept this in reserve. ❤

Holy shit, I can't unsee Zuko as autistic now. Like it's impossible. He's so perfectly coded to be on the spectrum. He's generally monotone, until he's not, and that's always when he's dealing with big emotions. He'd be a lip biter for sure.

Zuko doing dance as a stim 😍 the first time the Gaang sees him dancing when he thinks he's alone, they'd be so supportive, and have no idea what that would mean to him.

Fire lord Zuko infodumping about tea to some random person who tried to ask if he'd like them to make him some, as he heats the tea himself with his bending, and damn if that isn't the best tea that servant has ever had in their life.

Until next time my non gendered Prince Zuko! (Which will be in like, a few minutes, when I get to your other ask. Again sorry for the wait 😭 I'm bad at this)

[meili-sheep]

Hello, Kai, really interested in knowing the relationship of sumeru characters and diluc. Also, fontaine characters too (those who we know/already meet)

I think that Navia and Diluc have some stuff in common... I think

This is my first time asking you, so please ignore mistakes

Hello! Welcome! And don't worry about mistakes my brain has this really nice autocorrect feature called dyslexia so about 70% of the time I don't any grammar or spelling errors. But it back fires a lot. Kind of like regular autocorrect. ANY WAY. I would kind of love to talk about this.

SUMERU

Al Haitham

So I do enjoy shipping Diluc and Al Haitham because well they would just absolutely vibe together. Defiantly a lot of autism to autism communication. They are also both they type of people who can work or do separate activates right next to each other and come away saying they really like each other and the other is a good person.

Like their relationship could be them hardly speaking to each other but they just genuinely enjoy company and having someone understand on different level.

Candace

So I firmly think she (and Dehya for that matter) would look at Diluc and go "baby"

She's a protector and would in a small way equate Diluc to a little prince or knight. And I think if she learned about Diluc's family history she might feel a common ground there. And she'd defiantly pick up on how young, but accomplished he is. Just generally he'd kick in her protective instincts. SPECIALLY SINCE HE'D BE A VERY RESPECTFULLY GOOD BOY.

Cyno

Honestly I think Diluc would really enjoy Cyno's jokes. Not to the point where he'd laugh out loud but defiantly remark about how funny and clever it is. And Cyno just get the glint in his eyes that Collei and Tighnari fear.

I've also had them together in The Teyvat Detective Club Because they have strong senses of right and wrong with focuses on justice and retribution. So I kind of think out of everyone in Sumeru Diluc and Cyno would be the closest as friends.

Collei

So I believe Diluc know of Collie. Lisa does tell him about her progress and he's got a silent investment and pride. But he doesn't really think he need to introduce himself. She doesn't need to know that he cause the distraction and took the blame for her accident. But he's always extra gentle with her.

For Collei's part she probably is just amazed by Diluc and how gentle and calming his presence is. With Tighnari she's probably been told to be very careful with Pyro vision, but she doesn't see the Choatic side of Diluc. Diluc reminds her a lot of a camp fire, a warm relaxing. She probably see him as an exemplar of what Knights are supposed to be based off of what Amber has told her.

And I think if she learned about his involvement in helping her and who he too hate the fatui and has suffered at their hands. She'd cry.

Dehya

As a Claymore Pyro, (on standard) I think Dehya already feel a connection. And she would love swapping stories with him until she realizes how young he is.

And then she'd probably ask about how he keeps his skin looking so nice. He would shrug and just say he washes regularly.

Then it hits her

He's not even 25 yet he's barely 23.

Big sister mode kicks in and she picks him up toss him over her shoulder. This her now. her little brother and if anything happen to him she will kill everyone and then herself.

Dori

So these two are probably the ones most likely to have canon interaction. And Dori has absolutely tried to sell counterfeit dandelion wine.

And well.

Dori has probably the personally see Diluc's pretty close to bottomless assets. The ability to by like what was it 2000? fake Breath of Barbatos. Either way she sees him as someone she can't really cross without facing a lose in some way, and he's not one who she can trick. So she admires him in some way for how he's added to his family's wealthy but also in some was see him as a rival for having family wealthy and still being a good businessman.

Faruzan

Diluc actually calls her Madam and gives her the elder respect that she asks for. So she loves him and probably has tried to get him to become a student specially since I do think Diluc would have an interests in linguistics particularly in syphers and codes.

She probably would be his got to for such things relating to machines and langue. And honestly Diluc would personally fund her projects seeing that her lines and interests in blending fields of study could have long term good effects for everyone.

Kaveh

So I'm a big Kavehluc person.

And Kaveh would instantly see Diluc's beauty and just fall head over heels and just progressively get worst because he'd see Diluc on top of being beautiful is one of the gentlest and sweetest people he's every meet. Kaveh would admire him because he just gives himself and knows when to hold back with out feeling any of the guilt that Kaveh struggles with.

And even if you don't ship them I feel they would get along as Kaveh feels he could learn something from Diluc.

Layla

So Diluc's not an astrology person. But I feel he's treat Layla the same was he does Sucrose. He would be extra gentle and try to subtly build up Layla's confidences. Which would put him in high regards in "other" Layla's book.

If he meet them both he would tries his best to meet the real Layla which he thinks is some point in-between day and night time Layla.

Nahida

Not give a single shit she's an archon.

That's a baby.

And Diluc has a biiiiiiig soft spot for children. Defiantly respects her wisdom but defiantly is in big bro mode.

Nilou

RED HEADS.

But I get the feeling that Nilou is like Amber and that she has a "grump" translator. Meaning when Diluc says something that might come across as "Blunt" at best She instantly knows what he means. And she instantly knows how kind and sweet he is.

There defiantly is at small group of Nilou, Dehya, Diluc, and Candace all swapping skin, hair and general beauty tips.

Tighnari

So Tighnari is the Sumeru Rep of the Bully the Fatui Brigade. And I think Tighnari would eventually learn what Diluc did for Collie. So There is a lot of respect between them. And A lot of low key chaos

A little Less when Tighnari learns Diluc acutely like Cyno's Jokes.

Wanderer

I'm not really a fan. But I feel like Diluc wouldn't be intimated by Wanderer at all. And Wanderer would be super duper leery knowing about Diluc's past.

But Diluc doesn't remember Wander but Wander would be sort of curious about this side of the feared Fatui hunter. Defiantly would probably try to get one his good side for his own revenge related reason. Enemy of my enemy all that.

FONTAINE

Colrinde

So there isn't a lot info on her yet for me to make a call. But I feel they would have a generally positively sort of respectful relationship. Not a lot more tho.

Freminet

Into the kid collection he goes. He likes all his kids Diluc would be extremely gently and patient with Ferminet. Defiantly giving him claymore tips and probably even recommending he talk to Eula because there could be lines crossed between swimming and dancing that could be used to help him.

Diluc probably has a general soft spot for Cyro users just because of Keaya so ya know.

Furina

So consider she's just Fischl on steroids. Diluc would probably end up treating her like he does Fischl. Just gently playing into what makes her happy but also drawing clear lines when she's over stepping or about to overstep.

Diluc already has experience pulling in his archon, and given his own sense of justice I feel he and Furina would generally get along great up untill he wounds her pride, but he'd only every do it when she's being too much.

Neuvillette sings Diluc's praises for this.

Lynette

Just like with Al Haitham.

Autism to Autism communication.

Lynette would be totally see similarities between Diluc and Lyney as they are both brother would try and take all the burden away from their siblings and do everything they can protect them. So Lynette would look out for Diluc probably ends up giving Kaeya a care list for Diluc because I totally think she has one for how she takes care of Lyney when he's not looking. Not to her suprise Kaeya already has one.

Lyney

OK OK OK.

Lyney and Diluc are generally the more calm and collected end of the Pyro spectrum. But I get the feeling they both would just bring out their inner Chaos.

Like Yeah both Lyney and Lynette have heard about Diluc's Fatui Hunting. But I also think that Diluc would have tried to liberate House of Hearth and find better places for Kids. If not give them more supplies and more of a childhood. Because the he would learn of the House of Hearth and I think It's where Diluc would start to waiver on his conviction which would lead to him seeing how his method wasn't working.

So despite being Fatui Diluc would still treat them well and I feel he'd love Lyney's stage magic and learning all the tricks. It would be a puzzle game between them Lyney performs a trick and Diluc tries to figure out how he did it.

Navia

So Navia I feel could probably be the best candidate to be add to the detective club.

And there would be a lot of trauma bonding with her and Diluc over losing their father before taking up their mantles. So again I feel Diluc would provide funding to Spina di Rosula specially since the info they gain could be usfull to the Detective club or Diluc's underground organization.

Navia might even be an apprentice to Diluc but I acutely sort of get the vibe that she's older, but she's still have a lot of respect for his experience and general attitude. while he admires her passion for doing what is right and seeking the truth against all odds.

Neuvillette

So I've already seen art of Diluc and Neuvillette together and they are like super cute and chill vibes.

Like I don't have the best grip on Neuvillette yet but I feel like he and Diluc would get along in that they generally are pretty vibing but at the same time Neuvillette could learn a lot form Diluc as Diluc's passion for justice as well as being a generally passionate person would give Neuvillette a lot more perspective while not overwhelming him.

But also that leak about the Dark knight hero line. It would add a lot of spicy and also questions to the realtionship

Sigewinne

New daughter.

That's all I got mostly because see below.

Wriothesley

Look man this is gonna be my new addition to the Diluc Harem. Like I just get the gay Jane Austin Vibes from these two. Like if you want regency romance Wrioluc will be your thing. But that's just the vibe I'm picking up right now. I am super excited to learn more.

[cure-icy-writes]

ace attorney neurodivergent headcanons

because the bsd ones seemed to go over well, and folks find them validating, here goes! under the cut, because this got long:

-Phoenix 100% has ADHD and i will die on this hill 

-he excels at unconventional methods of thinking, and has some issues with impulse control. 

-he’s not great at concentrating for long periods of time, hence his struggles learning about law the traditional way. he was struggling as an art student in college until mia took him under her wing and said “sweetie. you think law is about rules? if the prosecutor isn’t gnashing his teeth you’re doing it wrong. Come, my child, let me show you how to bluff.”

-This right here? One of his lifelong stims. he used to crease paper weirdly when he was bored, making rolls and cones with the surface, and he always turned in his assignments looking like they’d been through an origami factory and come out wrong. He damaged a lot of books that way because he’d play with the pages while reading, and as an adult had to force himself to adjust that habit to be less destructive.

-He has some issues with coordination, which got better in time but never fully went away, and that combined with emotional dysregulation makes him a very expressive speaker. He talks with his hands and has accidentally hit people with them more times than he can count. mia has been smacked by a stray objection once or twice, but they never talk about it 

-He never got his drivers license because he’d get overwhelmed (sensory overload plus yelling instructor plus navigation plus mortal danger) and didn’t exactly cope with it well. He never caused any accidents, just pulled over to the side of the road with a blank expression and walking into a coffee shop to dissociate in a stall for half an hour. the car was still running, and the instructor was not exactly pleased.

-the man ran across a burning bridge. he is absolutely consequence blind and makes problems for Future Phoenix to deal with.

-Maya! her autism went unnoticed for two reasons: one, she’s a girl, and two, she lives in the mountains and gets her body hijacked by dead people. any other eccentricities fall by the wayside after that

-echolalia! she tends to repeat a lot of things that phoenix says, just because she likes the sound of it

-special interest in the steel samurai: self explanatory

-has trouble with sarcasm and tone: often phoenix can’t tell if she’s joking or not when she says something, and in the incident with the fire hose, she can’t read tone either

-while she comes off as childish, she’s deeply introspective and offers wisdom at unexpected moments

-she grew up with that fun kind of trauma that makes you feel like a burden to everyone around you because you’re different in a way that you can’t explain and maybe it’s just an excuse, which she mostly hides because she hates burdening other people with her personal issues. but these insecurities come out full force in turnabout goodbyes.

-due to a combination of sensory issues and routines, she samefoods a LOT. it’s not particularly healthy, but she makes an effort to take vitamins and supplement her favorite foods sometimes. Also, she has every ramen place in town memorized plus whether their food is something she considers “safe”

-edgeworth is autistic but very repressed due to von karma’s influence

-seriously he masks heavily but has no real sense of self and has a crisis over that

-has a very strong sense of justice, which we see in fourth grade, and doesn’t care about his social standing so much as his values.

-forgets that not everyone will understand his distressing and probably intended-to-be-poetic goodbye note; ghosts phoenix for a year

-same special interest as maya, but hides it and gets defensive because he’s sick of autistic people being treated like children with no autonomy. that’s why he’s always tried to act mature for his age, even making comments about mia’s youth in a flashback when he was younger than her

-experiences the classic Gifted Kid Burnout after losing one time in his life and being forced to reconsider the very foundations of his worldview. not strictly an autism thing but often comorbid

-struggles to make eye contact in most of his sprites

-struggles to communicate his own emotions; he absolutely tries but the words never quite express how he really feels. unnecessary feelings indeed

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

(asoue-sideblog) Do you have headcanons for autistic ASOUE characters, to complete the trifecta?

oooooh absolutely let’s do this thing

For starters- I should mention that it’s pretty easy to assign special interests to the ASOUE characters, seeing as most of them have one (1) interest that defines them, so I’m just gonna list that at the top to get that out of the way and then go for other headcanons :D

Violet {gifset of her own here}

Special Interest: Inventing, but she probably had other minor SIs like Female Finnish Pirates and Nikola Tesla

Her hair in her face normally doesn’t bother her but becomes a sensory issue when she’s thinking too hard, and tying up her hair when she’s thinking has become part of her Inventing Routine

Tends to hyperfocus on her inventions/plans to the detriment of basically everything else around her 

Really dislikes being put into social situations; during parties she’d hide in the corner with a book or a watch to take apart and put back together

Figured out how to sew just so she could make her and her siblings weighted blankets; she’s found that Sunny tends to like them best, but they all love them

She’s definitely got insomnia, and would stay up all night working on a new invention if her siblings didn’t keep track of her and help her get to sleep

Klaus {gifset of his own here}

Special Interest: General Literature, but he definitely gets hooked on a lot of topics he reads about. And I feel like during the canon timeline he got a special interest in the VFD Mystery

Blunt AF and literal to a fault

Literally infodumps all the time, and often doesn’t even realize he’s doing it until it’s been an hour and the conversation has moved on three times. His sisters, the Quagmires, and Fiona (for the brief time he knew her) were the only ones who weren’t really bothered by this 

Often doesn’t understand verbal instruction, and definitely has trouble understanding metaphors and sarcasm

Unlike Violet, who was a bit more social, before the fire Klaus didn’t have many friends aside from his sisters. He couldn’t pass as neurotypical as well as Violet, and so a lot of the other kids saw him as the “weird” one. He usually didn’t care, especially since he preferred to stay inside and read, but he did get a bit lonely sometime. He considers Violet his best friend, as they understand each other much better than they can understand anybody else 

Most of his minimal social skills were learned by watching his parents talking to their friends, which means he’s talked like an adult from a very young age

Sunny {gifset of her own here}

Special Interest: Cooking! Though it’d also be cool if at some point Sunny becomes interested in snakes, trying to figure out all about her bff Inky

Cannot focus on anything at any point; she gets distracted incredibly easily and tends to triple-task herself 

Overstimulated by noise quite a lot - in the books, that’s the reason the rattle’s noise scared her 

Is incredibly blunt, to the point where she can’t remember the last time she lied. This isn’t as much of a problem when she’s still speaking in baby-talk, but once she starts using actual words, Violet and Klaus have to figure out how to keep her from straight-up telling people they’ve burned down a building

Wears a lot of weighted clothing, and even as she gets older she still stims by biting 

Has absolutely no sense of time - can’t remember if that conversation with Klaus over Bea’s birthday cake happened last week or last month, also she was talking to Vi ten minutes ago… wait, no, an hour… or two… 

Duncan 

Special Interest: Journalism of any kind, thinks he wants to be an Investigative Journalist someday 

Definitely the least social of the triplets, social interaction kinda gives him anxiety and he’d much rather go over compare newspaper stories than attend parties or join clubs

Tends to infodump about Dorothy Parker or the different types of Journalism on anyone who will bother to listen, usually Isadora. As much as Quigley wanted to listen, he really couldn’t pay attention to anything at all 

In contrast, Duncan is actually very good at paying attention, mostly because he takes notes on everything he’s heard and every conversation he’s had

Absolutely hates Prufrock for more reasons than just the obvious; he hates having to sit still for so long, be around so many other people who all seem to understand interaction better than him, and be judged more on test-taking than actual knowledge. Also I can guarantee that Prufrock did not have any accommodations for neurodivergent children 

Has a very strong sense of justice, which is definitely why he especially hates corrupt newspapers and will rant on how much he hates The Daily Punctilio to anyone who will listen 

Isadora 

Special Interest: Poetry, probably specifically the works of Ogden Nash and Lord Byron (and Sappho, let’s be real)

Poetry is really the only outlet she has to emotional expression; for the life of her, she can’t figure out how she feels about anything any other way

Verbally stims by repeating famous poems to herself, or sometimes throwing in her own work and reciting it on repeat

Incredibly good at memorization, almost better than Klaus- she can recite the entirety of Rime of the Ancient Mariner if need be

Brutally honest, especially to people she considers rude; she will not hesitate to tell Carmelita exactly how much she hates her 

She and Quigley were both disasters when put together because they were both Incredibly Impulsive, though in different ways: her impulsivity tended to manifest in rushing into situations without thinking through the consequences or doing something without reading instructions, while his impulsivity tended to be more “our parents are gone so i’m cutting the sleeves off of all of my shirts, they’re like 85% of my impulse control”

Quigley 

Special Interest: Cartography and Geography, he definitely used to have a collection of cool-looking globes and maps 

The most obviously autistic of the triplets, he tends to completely ignore social cues, forget that people have boundaries, and stim whenever he gets nervous 

Waaay too trusting of people, and easily deceived because he kinda forgets that people would just lie to each other 

Has intense difficulty sitting or standing still and paying attention; if he’d been sent to Prufrock, he probably would’ve tried to run away before the first week was up

Needs mental stimulation at all times, or else he’ll go do something wild like try to bungee-jump off the roof with glued-together rubber bands while Isadora cheers him on and Duncan desperately drags him back inside 

Sleep is a Foreign Concept 

Hand-flapping and jumping up and down are his main stims, but Modern!Quigley 100% has a million of those sequin pillows to run his hands through and shares them with Sunny, who also adores them 

Fiona 

Special Interest: Mycology, but she also sometimes gets intense fixations on types of marine life, which is to be expected when she’s constantly surrounded by the ocean 

Unfortunately Widdershins never really pays attention to her when she infodumps, so she gained a habit of talking to herself. The Baudelaires and Phil were among the first people to actually listen to her when she talked about her favorite fungi 

Incredibly fascinated by how the Queequeg works and all the details of how it functions, which is how she ended up being the Chief Engineer, even though she’s not super great at actually fixing things  

Gets really bored by things that don’t interest her, and often will find a way to distract herself, whether she wants to or not (see: “When I want her to research the life of Herman Melville, she works slowly, but she’s quick as a whip when the subject is mushrooms”) 

Actually very sensitive to touch, especially from people she doesn’t know. Will really only make physical contact with people she trusts 

Even though she’s technically pretty introverted, she’s very codependent, and panics when she thinks she might have to be alone

When she’s not in uniform, Fiona wears mismatched clothing and doesn’t care how bad it looks; it feels good and that’s what matters to her, so who cares if she’s wearing a pink sweatshirt with a green skirt and two different kinds of shoes? 

so yeah, the vfd kids are very autistic and i love them

{stranger things autism headcanons} {losers club autism headcanons}

[riviae]

just venting abt my own indecisiveness lmao: 

i’m so stressed rt now :/ 

i’m graduating which is great, but i honestly don’t know what to do next. i’ve got a few viable options but i’m frozen at the crossroads of my education out of sheer indecisiveness. what’s the right choice?? is there such a thing as a ‘right’ choice?? should i fight for the hardest path or should i take the easier path, the one with the least remaining schooling? if i make a standard cost-benefit analysis then of course the easiest option is the best--but it feels like i’m giving up on my original dream. 

option 1: med school. that’s what all this work’s been abt--there needs to be doctors that are knowledgeable & supportive of lgbt+, neurodivergent, and disabled ppl as well as poc & understand how these identities intersect/overlap. the state of biomedical ethics is absolutely awful right now--it’s not a required course/topic in the majority of medical schools & so doctors are never really challenged to think past their inherent biases or how they should treat their patients or how knowing a patient’s background can aid in the patient-doctor relationship. patients aren’t a commodity, yet i can count on 1 hand the amt of doctors who know the 4 established virtues of medical ethics or can even explain them: beneficence (you must do what is best/good for the patient), maleficence (”do no harm”), justice (i.e., appropriate rationing of health care, services, supplies, & actively keeping historically-targeted groups of medical malpractice from harm), & autonomy (arguably the most important imo--the patient has their own autonomy & a doctor can /never/ take that away/do things against the patient’s will, which, by definition, makes mental health institutions unethical but i digress).

rt now i’m interested in working as either a neurologist, psychiatrist, pathologist, or specializing specifically in rural medicine (i.e., underserved populations/small towns), but can i really devote the next 8 yrs of my life to an occupation wrought w/ sky-high suicide rates, 36 hr shifts, & all the emotional trauma that comes w/ a field so intertwined w/ death?? idk if i’m strong enough for the demands. i don’t have any interest in money or prestige (i’d prefer to have no attention at all honestly), but i just wanna use my love of science to do some good, no matter how small. 

option 2: PhD in neuro. makes logical sense since i’m getting my MSc in a month & also neuro is my fave science of any subfield. i could do a lot of good w/ my research interests (that being of neurodivergent populations--seeing as i have adhd myself). understanding the neurological mechanism(s) behind neurodevelopmental disorders, for instance, can help in reducing harmful symptoms of certain disorders ((note: i do not mean wanting to ‘cure’ autism or anything that obtuse. more like providing pharmacological or genetic-based approaches to therapies. so for instance, i’m a big supporter of the cortical excitability hypothesis of autism which basically states that difficulties in sensory processing, insofar as being especially attentive to stimuli i.e., hypersensitivity/hyposensitivity is concerned, is due to the cortex’s inability to mitigate excitatory signals. so an ASD individual will experience sound or touch/texture aversion bc their brains are truly experiencing the sensory inputs at an incredibly high or low signal, as if their brain is a radio stuck continuously at a volume of either 100 or zero. it’s also why ASD & epilepsy are so often found to be comorbid--hypersensitivity to stimuli is more common & cortical excitability/excess firing of neurons outside of phase synchrony can explain the mechanics behind epilepsy too. oh, & this could also explain adhd symptoms since adhd and autism have considerable overlap both in symptoms as well as brain structure pathology). long story short, academia is great for me bc i love teaching, learning, and putting my brain to use (studying other brains). it’s a good fit & i’d be happy......... but i still have my own hesitations bc academia, esp science, is historically a field wrought w/ misogyny, racism, classism, u name it. it’s a mess™ 

option 3: pathologists’ assistant. the easy road. i could matriculate in jan (assuming i’d be accepted) & complete the degree in 2 yrs. i’d be able to teach, do clinical stuff (tissue sample analysis, post mortem autopsies, etc.), all w/o having to do all the paperwork, patient-juggling, & long hours that doctors do. i could specialize in pediatric pathology (by applying for a job at a children’s hospital) and really feel like i’m doing good work, helping to make accurate diagnoses of samples & leave it to the docs to tailor their treatment to my diagnosis. i love puzzles/solving things. this would give me a lot to do & it’d be good, honest work. it’d be behind-the-scenes so i wouldn’t need to overextend my naturally shy personality too much either. & the starting salaries are a real nice bonus (insofar as paying off my current student loans are concerned). but idk if i’m as passionate abt tissue sampling as i am abt the brain. i don’t wanna settle for a job simply bc it’s arguably easier than my other academic pursuits and makes good money or is ‘safe.’ ughhh can someone make the decision for me lol? 

& all this doesn’t even touch upon my own inferiority complex/inability to recognize my achievements as actual achievements. like sometimes i wonder if i’m even smart or capable of reaching any of my academic goals :/ as they say, u are always gonna be ur biggest critic. 2019 was supposed to be the yr i learned to love myself (or at least my brain), but i fell off at some point & i’m struggling to see my self worth as more than what i ascribe by default to myself & others (since all humans have intrinsic value no matter what imo). 

[evanthenerd83]

Blood And Ink: The Other Notes

It’s been a while since I last posted an update and the situation hasn’t improved. You guys and girls and ghouls should know why. Even if you just recently found this blog, you’ve probably seen the posts, the photos, and the glitched out text.

It isn’t exactly subtle in its goal. It hasn’t tried to hide from you all. It knows that you’re reading this and won’t stop drawing attention to itself until I do what it wants.

And I’ll get to that later.

So, here I am.

I didn’t use my laptop for a week after reading the second note. I kept it behind the bookshelf, unplugged and turned off. It wasn’t because of the note itself, though. I understood what it meant and while it was definitely unnerving, it didn’t really bother me that much. Something about my stories has inoculated me against real life oddities. Write enough stories featuring the paranormal and you get used to weirdness.

My autism might have helped, too. I tend to adapt easily to a schedule, especially at school, and I will ignore any difference present in the environment.

Of course, I might just be speculating. Or exaggerating. Or lying. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I don’t have a better explanation.

Anyway, it wasn’t the note that unnerved me, but the fact that something had used my laptop without me knowing. That it knew me. My hobby. That it could communicate with me. And that it could leave me notes.

There was also the subject of whether it would leave me another one or not. I had no clue.

What could it do?

Could there be another note waiting for me?

I would stare at the bookshelf and the spine of my laptop. A part of me itched to turn it on while another was screaming at me to take a hammer to it. But I couldn’t really destroy it. Not without getting into trouble at least. My reluctance to satisfy my curiosity grew with each passing day.

I eventually started to make excuses. I had to work. I had to study for the EOCT in Economics. There were too many things I had to do. The week passed by fairly quickly though.

Finally, the break came around and I had no excuse.

The Thing started to move here. When I posted an update explaining how I had been taking a break from writing due to school, several letters were emboldened. They spelled something out. The word “lies”.

I didn’t know how to react to its assertion and decided to ignore it. But someone sent me an anon message. I got the notification on my phone.

“Are you okay?”

Once again, I brushed it off. I lied and said that I was fine.

In fact, I posted a selfie saying so.

A couple of minutes passed before I got another notification. Another anon message.

“What’s with the sickly photo?”

I opened the Tumblr app and came face to face with myself. A selfie that had been distorted to the point where I could make out each and every pimple in crystal clear detail. Shadow clouded. Gray. And underneath it were the words, “IM FiNE Im FIne iM fINe IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE”, accompanied by a few tags.

“I’m fine”.

“Nothing to worry about”.

“Don’t worry about me”.

“Don’t you trust me?”

The Thing was taunting me. It knew that I was lying to you guys and wanted me to be ashamed. And its attempts were working. I felt sick to my stomach.

I was raised in a Christian household and I’ve always been told to tell the truth, lest I’d be damned to Hell. It worked for a while. But as you should already know, I lied about the weird text posts. And I kept on lying.

Another notification. Another anon message asking me about my health, this time a lot more reactionary. Some social justice warrior called me a heartless and disgusting person and threatened to report me to Staff. I assumed that someone who had suffered from depression had read one of my more graphic stories and been offended. I checked my blog.

But when I saw the post, I felt my heart drop into my lower intestine. The Thing hadn’t posted a picture. It had posted some text. I braced myself for what I could only assume was a demand.

It was worse than that.

“i did it. i opened my skin for the first time and it was excruciating. but it was also fun. pulling out my Bones and severing veins and siLencing my screaming nerves. this must be hOw he feels. this is wrOng though. i shoulDn’t be hurting myself for such An occasioN, no matter how exciting. but i’m just so happy. he’s starteD wrItiNg again.”

I wanted to scream after I read it. I wanted to die. The Thing was glorifying self harm and had decided to post its musings onto Tumblr, of all places. And it had done so on my blog.

My confusion turned into panic as I scrambled to throw out a decent apology. I brushed it off as a joke. A terrible, terrible joke. I knew that was another lie, but I had to do something to not be crucified by the hoards of SJWs who were knocking on my front door. It worked and nobody even noticed the tasteless portrayal of such a sensitive subject. I was relieved. For the moment.

I went into the post’s available options. I meant to select the delete option, but the screen flickered and I accidentally reblogged it. I had to issue another apology.

The Thing wasn’t done yet. It took me a while to notice them, but there were words in bold that were hidden in my apologies. The first contained “check the” and the second held “laptop”. Put those together and you get: “Check the laptop”.

Check the laptop.

My laptop.

It wanted me to check my laptop. I glanced at my bookshelf and shuddered when I saw the silver spine poking out of the darkness, just where I had left it. The rational part of my mind was in a screaming match with my curiosity. This could’ve been a trick. Another ploy to get my attention. But at the same time, it could’ve been a honest request.

My curiosity won in the end and I reluctantly pulled it out. Dust had settled around its screen and the battery was dangerously low, about twenty percent. I didn’t plug it up though. Didn’t really care.

It worked fine enough.

A familiar feeling raised its ugly head as I opened Notepad. It had been weeks since I read the notes, but I could still remember how uncomfortable they made me feel. The Thing knew a lot about me. It knew things that were meant to be private. It must have been stalking me.

There was a new file folder in Notepad. There wasn’t a title and it didn’t appear to be that big. Just a couple of gigabytes. I opened the file, coming face to face with six documents. Two of those documents were the first notes I had read. I scrolled down to check if the first notes had been deleted or just simply transferred or copied, but I couldn’t find the originals.

The third document was titled “I’m Sorry”. From the information displayed, it was created a day after I had hidden my laptop. My fear almost won the argument. All of the shock and confusion from earlier returned as a fire. But it was already too late for self preservation. I opened it.

“You’ve been gone for quite a while now, Evan. Is everything okay?

I’m sorry for making you upset. I shouldn’t have pushed you so far. You needed some time to get back into the groove. You weren’t ready. Hiatuses can be hard. I can respect that.

But you can’t just leave me alone.

Not like that.

You didn’t even respond.

Just understand.

I need you.”

The fourth was titled “Why”. It had been created a week ago. A very short note.

“Was it something I said? Why would you keep me like this?”

The fifth was titled “Remember Me”. Created six hours earlier.

“Did you forget about me?

Hm?

I’m sure you didn’t. You couldn’t have.

But I can’t shake the feeling.

Maybe I need to jog your memory.”

It was obvious what it meant. It had posted about self-harm in order to get my attention. All its other attempts had failed and it knew enough about Tumblr to fire a warning shot. And that strategy had worked.

I had denied its authenticity and accidentally reblogged it. Reacted to it. Surely, that was what it wanted from me.

But there was still one more note.

The sixth note was titled “Everything”. Created an hour before I had decided to check on my laptop.

“I hate you.

I've tried everything. Everything.

It doesn’t matter how many notes I write. You still haven’t realized how much it hurts.

You probably think that you can just stop and I’d no longer exist. Well too bad. I’m not going anywhere.

So what will it take to get you to write again?”

To write again.

I swallowed some spit. As soon as I read those words, everything clicked. Made sense.

It didn’t just want my attention. It didn’t just want me to respond to its constant inquiries and notes. It wanted me to write again. It was waiting for me to come up with another story or poem. All this time, after everything it had put me through for the last month, it wanted that?

I exited out of the document and closed the file folder. My head started to hurt.

I created a new document, stared at it, and typed a single word. A question.

“Why?”

[autism-asks]

I'm unsure if this is an impolite question, and I'm sure it's been asked many times so if you can direct me to a link where the question has been answered, that would be fine too, whatever works best. Right now I'm struggling with a psychologist to determine my own diagnosis. I was diagnosed with mood disorders, then panic disorders, and briefly discussed the spectrum. I was wondering about how your diagnosis process went? If this is too personal, I understand completely. I mean no offense.

I’m okay with talking about this. I didn’t have the best diagnosis process to be honest. My psychologist diagnosed me with Social Communication Disorder (basically criteria A of ASD) because she said I fit Criteria B and not Criteria A of ASD. I know, that makes no sense. How can I not fit it for one thing but fit it for something else with the same criteria? She said I was too aware of my own social difficulties and that I was too aware that the things that gave me PTSD were traumatizing for me to be autistic. So, I guess for her, the difference between the two diagnoses is self-awareness. Then, she told me that I care too much about social justice (one of my SpIns) to be autistic because, according to her, autistic people don’t care enough about others to care about social justice issues. Then she pulled out functioning labels and then concluded by telling me I should do something that sounded suspiciously like ABA when she said I should see a therapist who will touch me until I’ve gotten over my hatred of being touched. She also got frustrated with me when I wouldn’t stop crying.

All that being said, I am in no way saying don’t go for a professional diagnosis. I still might try to get one at some point in the future to be honest. Also, keep in mind that just because you’ve been diagnosed with those other neurodivergencies doesn’t mean you aren’t autistic as well. If you think a professional diagnosis is something you want to pursue, I totally support that. I would recommend doing a LOT of research on the person who will be diagnosing you and, if at all possible, talk to someone/people with similar identities to you who have been diagnosed by this person. For example, if you’re a person of color, see if you can find other PoC who have been diagnosed and talk to them because there’s a lot of racism in the mental health world.

Hope this helps!

-Mads

Yeah, I also had a pretty bad diagnostic process the first time. Prior to the assessment I’d been diagnosed with BPD (through a 1 or 2 hour session where I told a therapist my symptoms and at the end she said “you have BPD”), and ADHD (although they were kinda like “??? eh you might have ADHD, so here’s a diagnosis, I guess”). Going into the assessment, I wrote out some symptoms and brought my mom and a friend with me. I ended up meeting with the woman ? twice, I think. At the end of the assessment process I asked her what she was thinking about my diagnosis and she said that she was going to diagnose me with “mild autism spectrum disorder”, probably.

Despite the functioning labels (which were probably a red flag) I was super excited because of validation (!!!) and the next week or so was really great. I wasn’t able to meet with her to discuss my results because I was moving, so she called me on the phone and told me that she was diagnosing me with Borderline Personality Disorder…. again. I was so upset that I basically hung up with her and cried for hours. Then I called her again and asked her to explain because I did not understand. She proceeded to tell me that my meltdowns are actually temper tantrums caused by my BPD (and she heavily implied that they were me attempting to manipulate people).

I then received the formal diagnosis documents in the mail a few weeks later which I immediately took to the back yard and set on fire. I guess you could say I was a little upset.

That was over a year ago, and the time since has only confirmed my self diagnosis for me - and my mom is even more sure of it, now, as well. I’m currently in the process of getting a diagnosis from someone who is maybe a bit more competent - she did bring up the fact that AFABs tend to have a harder time getting diagnosed/tend to be misdiagnosed, too. My next appointment with her is tomorrow, actually, so wish me luck.

All that said, though, while I’ve had poor experiences with professionals, I’ve also had good experiences.

-Jay

My mother noticed I wasn’t like other infants before I could sit up. She then spent the next five or six years trying to convince my father to have me evaluated and basically gave me an informal diagnosis by the time I was four and starting school. 

Once I actually started school, my teachers noticed that I was different as well and through my school an evaluation was arranged by the time I was six.

I talked to this woman on and off for about two hours (I was overjoyed to be missing boring classes) and at the end of that, this professional concluded I was precocious and recommended to the school I skip a grade. Her actual words were ‘your daughter is incredibly smart and you shouldn’t try to bring her down like this’.

Collectively, the adults involved that actually knew me went: wat. (No literally, that’s Dutch for what)

So they sent in a written description of a genderless  child with all my symptoms/behaviours etc. Based on that, I was invited back for another evaluation. This one lasted longer and involved tests as well as talking.

Eventually, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS and sent off to ABA (though it wasn’t called that). I don’t remember most of therapy other than having to drive for about half an hour to get to the place and that I’d often fill remaining time with colouring in mandalas.

Something I didn’t remember  at all until I actually needed my official diagnosis papers is that I was sent to physical therapy for my touch aversion. I asked my aunt about it and it apparently wasn’t pretty at all.

I’m also fairly certain that I would have been treated differently if they hadn’t labelled me as intelligent as I’ve since found out that being autistic involves a loooot more than just being socially inept (which is how it was presented to me most of my life)

-Wren

[dwestfieldblog]

23 YEARS IN BOHEMIA

Time to exorcise some sober early morning paragraphs as Orpheus descends again...Saved by an angelic intervention perhaps, or more likely, demonic. I messed up a banishing ritual and we will never have that feast...Air gives life toFire. Crash and burn. Hard to switch off the heart unless one is in hospital. An hour long session of Healing, lying on a floor blindfolded last week uncovered deep memories with primal fury, tears and a revelation...now I am back in the cosmic game. It was either that or leave my body to medical science fiction. Insanity chosen on the flip of a golden coin, now gold runs in my veins like electricity. Almost not a metaphor.

The Healing had the strange effect (for me) of leaving my thoughts seemingly capable of holding onto negative thinking for two seconds only and then letting them go. Nice work, see how long it lasts. Next month I will be getting creative with my darkness with Holotropic breathing to unblock the shadow, Sounds like fun eh?  Welcome to another long speed written manic collage....

9 songs into the next treble cd, but now the blessing of the Muse is removed. Some girls should be spanked hard with passion every night before bed. All hail Algolagnia, No afterglow, now only ash. I swear by my heart Not to fall in Love again, it is no good for my mental health. Arf. Fnord. Shameful how much I truly cared, but Free at last, freedom from hope, Lucifer rising in my horoscope and all I have left are empty words. Words for spells...thank the Lord for spellczechers on the computer. Somewhere True, we know our fears are not real.

Putting the arse into catharsis, I have finally put more songs on the net via TUMBLR, (27 of 'em) a fair variety of moods...of course I will not be putting the best stuff online, not until the diagnosis becomes terminal. Don't much trust doctors but will believe my body. The war for peace continues. From the Kingdom to the Crown

I seem to have not really slept much since early February, but some years life just gets too INTERESTING to sleep. Enervated, splitting and colliding like the atom I used to be. Desire to Do and Be simultaneously chasing a thought and a feeling. Home-made psychedelic adrenalin, recurring parallel day dreams or else the synaesthesia kicking in once more....Lying down for thirty minutes and switching off at 2pm helps. In reverie God told me again last night I was a chosen one...well, someone has to do it. Another scarecrow messiah crucified on a hill to keep away the crows of false prophets who seek to feed on the seed of Man. Or something. O, I still miss amphetamines, still tempted. Been way too long. And 'Some weird sin just to relax with'...Did you ever read about the female fan letter about her desiring a man with the mind of Leonard Cohen and the body of Iggy Pop? They replied, sent a double photo from a studio...she didn't answer. Arf.

Giving up smoking Again but 'the filter is the best part, that's where they put the heroin'. Denis Leary said that and he's still alive...or if you prefer,'Women and heroin are both the ultimate escape'. Hugh Cornwall. Five minutes and you're almost dead. Textbook definition of stupidity is not being able to assimilate new information and process it to recall and use. Or repeating mistakes without learning from them. Dumb is as dumb does, welcome to my world. Just too ugly and lost. Where will you spend eternity? (Old evangelical (evil angels) christian slogan).

Almost strange to be still writing blogs when disconnected from news of the daily world. There is still some linkage to normal reality but I remain in deep longing for the day when five of the most famous leaders on this planet face Absolute Justice in This lifetime for the chaos and murdering shit they have done...but...it has felt so damn Good to switch off the reportage after all these years. The next step will be to be able to go back and listen, watch, read the news without becoming involved, Just evolved. Trump, Putin, Erdogan, Kim Jong Un, and Asshat in Syria. Remarkable that you are alive. Congratulations. Happy to see Mladic has finally been sentenced to life in prison for his war crimes, it took long enough. And Mgabwe ousted at last. Get him up against the wall. Sic semper tyrannis.And may justice be served on Halliburton, Monsanto, Biderbeck and Zuckerberg next year...Julian Assange appears to be aiding those working against the West, (yes, that includes Duck Fart.) Staying too long in an embassy can make most folk a little weird. Hello Baron Beran.

Going back to the island for Sol Invictus/Christmas, Great Britain with all her Little Englanders. Dreading seeing the faces of Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees Mogg et al gurning and talking puerile bullshit. My country is ruined, Europe as any type of 'spiritual' centre is falling, America is shamefully fecked like a dog by their insane choices. You stupid dumb bastards, now EAT what you have made. Wash it down with your own blood and piss. Other countries are rising, tasting the possibilities of mass control; Ready. This is happening all around us. And as for the individuals left...All we become is all we are.

Be yourself, you will never be someone else..

Meanwhile...those who remain outside, remain outside. With no thoughts of being saved in the usual sense, but emotionally detached and thus spiritually rising, crossing over...Fooling ourselves (perhaps) until it is real. Fake it till you make it. 'Experience is knowledge made conscious of itself'. Aleister Crowley wrote that and knew of what he spoke. Ignorance will never convince knowledge says this middle aged idiot.

(I seem to have passed from a thirty year teenage lifestyle to menopause overnight. Missed out on being an adult with a usual life of mortgages and happy family tensions. Perhaps I should buy a Harley Davidson and flirt with 24 year old girls. Or grow up fast and take to bed the first grandmother who thinks I'm worth her time.) Or teach in a nunnery...

How many times can a heart be broken? As many as it takes To break the cycle of destruction Till creation awakes. AKA/anebo, or 'You want it? You got it You break it –you bought it'         Arf.

Anyway, now all that is out of my lunar system...'time' dilates and...back to the Real stuff...Body and mind as a temple, holy or otherwise...Here we go...

Matter at a low rate of vibration is solid...at a high rate of vibration it is subtle. Good health in all areas means raising your vibrations... meditate on imagination and Will. I will see how wise that is when I get my first winter cold and deny it existence. People allow themselves to become hooked on their weaknesses, chasing the thrill or playing the victim.

'We should not protect the weak and vicious from the results of their own inferiority'...To pity another man is to insult him'. Think Nietzsche wrote that. Sounds like him but now my memory is ablaze and random sparks star the dark early morning sky. Total oblivion into the Absolute. FREEDOM. And I'm gone. More coffee....'God is a fire in the head!', cried Nijinsky, on the cusp of insanity. (Crowley, Nietzsche and Nijinsky, I am on a highly pretentious roll here eh? 4.15 am...Let's see what other brilliant lost souls can resurface in this spontaneous flash flood....)

Capture Points....

Ego... defined as a set of immature traits which start in infancy and are carried into adulthood, including a feeling of being omnipotent and deserving of special privilege; great difficulty tolerating frustration and a very high drive which causes one to jump into activity suddenly and impulsively. The infant within needs to be satisfied. Sounds familiar eh?

'Individual creatures tend to stagnate when they have discovered a comfortable ritual of habit'. Colin Wilson.

Addicts, (of one type or another) secretly despising themselves, are likely to respond to another person who approaches them in a loving manner by wondering what this person wants, assuming that this person is a sucker ripe for manipulation, or deciding that the person is crazy. In this way, they fail to receive the praise, warmth and tenderness they crave, and instead, end up lashing out at those who try to love them.

‘”...hedonic arousal of an organism (pleasure or pain) can, with repetition of a stimulus or class of stimuli, lead to a build up of arousal by the organism which opposes the original stimulus....this can create dynamics typical of addiction.' Richard Solomon. Therefore, a person repeating a pleasurable activity over and over again will create in their nervous system an opposing sense of pain. Or, as the song says; 'If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad'? Don't wanna go to rehab. So don't.

The problem with mind altering drugs, is that they appear to lower the levels of serotonin in the brain, the very chemical needed to focus and evolve. Meditation and magick work because of the extra effort required to concentrate and raise energy. Humans get bored way too easily, this in turn creates a deep sense of unease...which leads to mental landslides of panic. Total (or as much as can be achieved and maintained) focus on the work of Now and total (see brackets above) open free surrender, are the only ways to connect with realities of understanding the individual's place and role in creation. Which is 'technically' our imprinted function.

Asbergers, Autism and ADD are basic human traits, there is always a  laziness to attempt focus because the mind wants to run wild. But many types of 'freedom' become a free fall/floating trap when not used for evolving or Being. Because people get bored, most of us run around trying to be very useful or search for temporary excitement, which never seems to go deep enough. Surprise.

This is a peculiarity of the human imagination that is only now being recognised by psychology; that when it is denied active, creative expression, it seeks out any powerful stimulus, no matter how terrifying or negative. The human mind craves movement, any movement. Boredom or emptiness allows the mind to fill up with unused energy...this produces the usual effect of preventing the instincts from doing their quiet unobtrusive work. The feelings are frozen. The desire for strong feelings -the most basic of psychological needs -becomes a kind of panic; guilt and misery are preferable to boredom. What the mind really craves is the sense of vastness and wide openness, of other times and other places, of meaning.'Long quote but says way better what I would like to. Colin Wilson again, from The Occult, 763 pages of fascination...he also wrote the following...

'Certain people possess natural 'magical' faculties, but unless these are subservient to intellect and imagination, they will tend to be used in the service of negative emotion –malice, envy and so on.' Most people possess magical faculties. Most people are, fortunately unaware of it.'

Man is defined by the ability to love. The soul is refined by the love it's made of.Said a low class poet yesterday trying too hard to live up to his own belief system and almost failing. 'Basically a poor human being', says his end of year report card. Poor little ghost boy. Hmm. Neurosis is caused by sexual stasis...orgasm discharges the sex energies and eliminates the neurosis. Temporarily. Think that was Reich. But anyway...

Heaven, Hell, demons, ghosts, angels, we are our own...mass projection, a spontaneous manifestation of the forces of the subconscious. Like all magick. Parallel realms are imprinted with thought made real focused or random...or so, based on my own experiments, I choose to believe. You are on your own. You are really not on your own. And that perception, like everything else, is your Choice. Practice makes...imperfection less ridiculous. And that is as far as optimism as I will go this morning.

Use your body to create forms, use your spirit to transcend forms. Unify body and spirit to activate the art of peace. It comes. Maintain it as you would a flower.

Written by candle and computer light, listening to full volume live Swans at 3 to 5.30 am on a school day (mostly the sex pulse of The Glowing Man live on repeat, Mother Sky by Can, updated). Window open to share the headphone music with neighbours. My students will suffer a red eyed rant later today, but it's all English eh? (When not babbling fake Enochian.) A word about Swans for anyone new here. If you enjoy disintegrating into ecstacy, buy everything by them. The Total Sound of Nature and the Universe, surrender and rejoice, no regrets. O, I wish I had some whisky here. But I didn't smoke and I didn't drink, I found some new things to think. Found some old books to read, refused to want the one I need. But yearning for union. Deeply and truly.

Saturnalia soon...and on the 17th December, I will have been in Prague for 23 years. A deep thank you to all those who made my alchemy here so infused with their kindnesses, may you live in fine health and learning.

Practice your etheric stretches...it helps with what you wish to achieve.'Energy equals Mass multiplied by the velocity of the square of light'. Use that as long mantra, go into it...Trust me, I'm a (leave the blank empty as the Void). And Happy multicoloured Christmas/Sol Invictus with blood on the snow in red crosses and a snake spiralling up the staff to the victory of the Light.

See you in '2018' perhaps.. Stay well.....

YOU. KNOW.

NOW. BE

LOVE.