#moving dogs to dubai

[avcuae]

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[w2sology]

i would love if you wrote a lil sum ab reader doing random couple trends on tiktok w bogg!!! luv ur writing always x

10/10, harry lewis.

summary: you try to do the 'rating my boyfriend throughout the day' trend with harry.

warnings: allusions to sex

notes: i love this trend but it makes me feel so single so i hate it.

you started off by recording you and harry when you two had just woken up, he was in the middle of one of his morning rants about the sizes of donuts and why they had to be agreeable to the price when you noticed the position you were in.

no matter how you and harry lay in bed, he always woke up slightly on top of you and eventually shifted until he lay fully on top of you. right then, his head was on your chest as his arms wrapped around you, one of his hands tracing random shapes on your waist, creeping underneath the night shirt you wore.

recording a small clip, you laughed at a comment harry made about being able to eat like a pig, before writing a caption on it.

4/10, forgets i'm smaller than him and uses me as his personal pillow in the mornings.

the next clip you recorded was after you had stepped out of the shower, towel and bathrobe on as you made your way to your vanity. preparing to start on your skincare and makeup for the day, you were interrupted by harry waltzing into the room with a cup of tea for you.

you decided not to bring up his allergy to knocking on doors before entering ("i've seen it all before, why do i have to knock?" he'd usually frown) but instead hold your hands to your heart as you awed aloud.

"you act like i don't usually do this, babe" he laughed at your reaction, kissing your lips as he set the mug down on the table.

"i mean you do, but still, it just warms my heart," you giggled that intoxicating giggle that harry loved so much, throwing your arms around his neck as you pressed your lips to his again.

10/10, brought me a morning tea 🥹🥹🥹

later on in the day, you lay on the couch with harry at your feet, your legs in his lap as he massaged your feet absentmindedly, considering his full attention was on the football match on the telly.

you should've known that when harry said he'd watch dubai bling with you, he's find a way to get out of it. and there he was, mumbling to himself as he watched chelsea fumble yet another attempt.

"fuck me, this is shit," he sighed, throwing his arms up and accidentally dropping them on your legs.

"hey," you frowned, moving your legs off of his lap. but before you could harry was grabbing them back to where they were.

"no, don't do that," he whispered softly, still watching the telly.

"harry," you groaned. "you said you'd watch tv with me, not this."

"i know, sweetheart, we can watch after it's finished, can't we?" he looked at you, fingers running up and down your slightly exposed leg.

"it's not the same though."

"you're right. what you want to watch is prerecorded and this is live," he smiled, quickly turning back to the tv and groaning aloud as a player received a yellow card.

pulling out your phone, you recorded a clip of harry with a frown on your face, stifling a laugh at how focused he looked.

2/10, chose football over me and also outsassed me.

later on in the day, harry wanted to get out for a bit of fresh air and he promised you ice cream from the new cafe that opened near you.

whilst you sported a hoodie of his over some leggings, harry stuck to the stereotype of the boyfriend that was never cold and wore a compression shirt paired with some nike shorts.

"i wish we had a dog to take on some of these walks with us," you sighed dramatically.

"don't push it, you know what happened to herb." harry shut you down quite quickly, reaching for your hand as you walked next to him.

you always found it adorable that no matter what setting you were in, harry would always find a way to make sure he was physically with you, mainly by holding your hand.

once you got your ice cream, harry walked ahead for you to open the door as you held the small tub. you knew what was coming, so you got out your phone to prepare to catch the moment on camera.

harry stayed ahead of you for a little longer, waiting for you to get your things together, scrolling on his phone as he did so. when he thought you were done, without looking back to check, he held his hand out for you to take, still walking ahead of you.

you couldn't help but squirm and awe on the inside at this seemingly nonchalant gesture as you took his hand, it was everything to you.

11/10, no explanation needed... just hand holding <333

back at home, harry was editing a video that he and the boys had filmed since it was his turn.

he had on his glasses and was sitting on top of the duvet of your bed, looking so... biteable. you couldn't help but want his attention.

when he put the laptop to the side for a bit you took this as your cue, rolling over from your side of the bed and straddling him, a leg on either side of his.

"you alright?" harry inquired, smiling at you with tired eyes. you nodded, a smile on your face as you inched closer and pressed kisses all over his face.

his hands gripped at your waist as you pressed your lips to his, groaning at contact a little. "y/n," he breathed out between kisses. "i have to finish... the video."

yet he made no attempt to detach himself from you.

pulling away, you looked at him with dopey eyes and a matching dopey smile.

"you're so pretty," you cooed, to which his cheeks warmed at.

"and you're not," he smirked, catching your lips with his before you could say something back. your hand tussled in his hair as you hummed into the kiss, never wanting it to end.

"okay wait, i really have to finish that video," harry sighed, pulling away with one last kiss to your lips. "i'm all yours after, i promise."

you nodded, sliding off of his body to cosy up next to him and watch as he edited some more, filming the last clip for your tiktok.

10/10, i'm so in love guys 😵‍💫

[nemonclature]

GUYS. I HAVE A THEORY. IT’S SUCH A GOOD THEORY. ACTUALLY IT’S THE BEST. Actually I’m just gonna go ahead and call this canon. I’m staking my entire identity on it.

So, I was gonna do an in depth art post bouncing off this excellent bit of research. I was expecting some thematic hints a la Hannibal and much fun to be had.

I decided to start with this:

Francis Bacon’s Three Studies for Figures at the Base of a Crucifixion, which hangs on the wall in the Dubai apartment.

Let’s sidestep the Christian connotations of the crucifixion* IMO the Christ bit is misdirection (mostly. We’ll come back to that)

Armand: Witnesses to Christ’s agony. Mr Bacon also referred to these as the Three Furies.

Who are they? The Furies/Erinyes are Ancient Greek Goddesses of vengeance. "The Erinyes, that under earth take vengeance on men, whosoever hath sworn a false oath" ... They are traditionally depicted as … preoccupied with avenging patricide and matricide by hunting down and killing violent criminals ... Their task is to hear complaints brought by mortals against the insolence of the young to the aged, of children to parents, of hosts to guests.” (wiki)

Kinda on point for a vampire that tried to kill his maker, no? Or for a vampire that’s abusing the guests in his home? Or an old man shit-talking two much older vamps. (lol jk not you Danny boy, you trash them all you want bb).

Armand: We’ve received an aggressive offer for the Bacon triptych.

Louis: Oh? I didn’t know we’d made it available.

Armand: It’s a new name, so I’ll have to run due diligence.

Hmm, who could possibly be being setup to enter late season under cover as some innocuous buyer? Who would Armand let into his theatre home in order to wreck it? Who’s presence/interest/existence would he keep from Louis? Who better to complete Bacon's intention and provide the crucified final figure of the set, but...

YES! Our favourite victim of patricide. The ultimate Daddy Vampire. Lestat de fucking Lioncourt.

Guys there’s a reason I’ve been calling him White Vampire Jesus and it’s not (just) because I find myself hilarious.

Real Rashid: The lawyer for the buyer is ready for the teleconference.

Not a massive deal, rich people make lawyers do things for them. But so do VAMPIRES WHO DON’T WANT TO BE IDENTIFIED.

But yeah, lets’ get into that phone call. Mr Philips, the lawyer, is introduced to Mr du Lac (like, in case anyone was wondering how Lestat knew it was Louis who owned it, just fucking use your real name Louis, sure.) The buyer wants it for her husband (GUYS. HE WANTS IT FOR LOUIS).

This is episode 2.03 and, guys, Lestat is EVERYWHERE in this episode. We get Armand opening up, but not about his full past, just about his past with Lestat.

Dreamstat dogs Louis’s footsteps

Louis admits to Armand that Lestat was his maker in this episode.

And the scene directly before the lawyer calls?

Louis and Claudia are talking about Lestat, it moves on to Bruce, but it starts with Lestat.

We could also talk about how, this season, as the focus has moved away from Loustat to Loumand, the action has moved away from the main room with the Triptych, to the tree room and the dining room.

Lets start with the tree room, where Armand (the clinging vine) reaches, but never touches Louis (the tree).

"For woman is a branching tree, and man a clinging vine. And from your branches carelessly, he’ll take what he can find."

(Let no man steal your thyme, trad)

Too much? Then how about the dining room of equally symbolic paintings. (and, side note. Paintings have been IT this season. This is the Armand season, the Amadeo season, the Louis photographer season, the breaking into museums to look at or steal art season. If S1 was music, S2 is art).

The dining room where we find the Ron Bechet, Transformation (A TREE AND VINES FFS), representing Louis (or Loumand) and the (stolen - can we take a moment to appreciate the hilarity that is Louis and Armand dressing up as police officers to carry out one of the biggest art heists in recent history?) Rembrandt, Christ in the Storm on the Sea of Galilee representing Daniel (Fear and Faith).

You can see them more clearly in the S1 scene where Dan and Louis are at either end of the table, each before their own painting.

But also in S2 in combo with the Marius christ-and-demons, representing Armand (or representing Armius?? Lol do they have a ship name? kill me now). I find it very interesting how Armand is sometimes framed with Dan's painting behind him and at other times with Louis', almost like he's being pulled between the two.

Anyway. Point is the GIANT RED ORANGE LESTAT CHRIST SYMBOLISM is suspiciously out of frame this season.

See the difference in framing here in Season 1: (note, this is DanLou first meeting. It's BEEN THERE FROM THE BEGINNING)

And this itty bitty corner shot in Season 2:

And when does the triptych come back into frame? Oh just DIRECTLY AFTER THIS BIT OMFG:

Me too, Dan. Me too.

The triptych has been on the wall from the start of the show. Looming over everything, haunting the narrative, like a giant bleeding meta signpost.

[hopefulromances]

Long Time Coming I Chapter Three I It's Nice To Have A Friend

Summary: Being hired as the first female assistant coach in the league was a challenge of it itself. Being a football protigy and University Football Legend was easy enough. Coaching Jamie Tartt was a challenge all on its own.

Word Count: 2498

Warning: I have literally no clue how football works.

A/N: Hey fellas! I hope things are going well for y'all and that you're enjoying the story! I am like a puppy dog and thrive on words of affirmation so if you're enjoying pls let me know!

Prologue One Two

            “She said what?” Keely gaped, looking up from her laptop at Jamie.

            “She said that I made her feel like… like she didn’t deserve to be here,” Jamie repeated, leaning back in his chair.

            “Aw, poor girl,” Keely pouted at him. “What did you say?”

Jamie shrugged. “Nothing, she walked away before I could say anything.”

            “Well, what would you have said if she stayed?” She pressed.

            “I… I don’t know,” Jamie admitted, after a second. “It just made me think about… me dad.” Keely frowned at that. She didn’t know a lot about his dad, Jamie had always stayed mainly private about that part of his life, but what she did know wasn’t great. He continued. “I was just such a dickhead.” Keely snorted. “What? I’m opening me self up to you. Can you try not to laugh at me?”

            “No, Jamie, no! I’m not…” She cleared her throat, trying to appear serious. “I’m not laughing at you. It’s just, I’m pretty sure you’ve called yourself a dickhead about a hundred times since you’ve been back.” Jamie rolled his eyes and leaned forward in his chair. “Have you talked to Dr. Fieldstone about it?”

            “Yah, I have. She said I need to forgive me self so I can let them forgive me. Cause if I won’t forgive me why should they. Whatever the fuck that means.” He was frustrated with himself. It was like she could understand what the ball was doing before it even moved. Why couldn't he just tell her that. “I just want her to know I’m sorry. It doesn’t help that the rest of the team hates me to.”

            “Well Jamie, they aren’t going to just forgive you. You have to show them you’ve changed.”

            “Ted said not to buy them all PS5s.”

            “No, not like that! Just… let them show you how to make it up to them,” Keely clarified.

Jamie looked at her for a second processing what she said. “…. Keely?’

            “Yes, Jamie.”

            “Can you return 30 PS5s?”

            “Oh, Jamie.”

The next game was against Coventry City. The coaches didn’t usually spend a lot of time with the lads before games, but I loved the energy in the locker room. I walked around the room, talking with the boys, giving last minute tips, handing out fist bumps. I could feel Jamie’s eyes on me as I did. Every now and then I would glance over at him as he tied his shoes. I warded him off with a small smile, but I didn’t dare get too close to him.             

“(Y/N)! Look at this!” It was Colin, excitedly showing me his boots. “Had Will shine these bad boys this morning.”

            “Yes, Colin your shoes look great,” I rolled my eyes whilst giving Isaac a fist bump.

            “You’re not even looking!”  

I turned a looked at Colin. They did look really great.

            “You know what Colin, those do look great,” I conceded, reaching over to give him a high five.

Just then the sound of stretching tape caught our attention. I turned to see Sam pressing black tape over his Dubai Air logo. Someone cracked some joke about Dubai Air not paying him enough but he quickly explains that it was more than that. That Dubai Air owned by a compnay that was destroying the environment in Nigeria. There was silence in the locker room.

Then Jamie stood up.

I eyed him, ready to step in if he decided to make a stupid decision here. But instead, he stretched the tape and put it over his own Dubai Air logo.

            “Gotta wear the same kit,” he explained. As if it was simple. As if it was expected.

He patted his jersey before tossing the tape into the center console. I studied his face, looking for any signs of mockery, but there was none. Soon the whole team had stripes of black tape over the kits. The whole game, all the focus was on Sam, even though it was Jamie’s big return. But he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he celebrated Sam when he returned from the post-game interview. We lost the game, but no one seemed to mind.

            “All I’m saying is that objectively, this red looks better than the blue boots,” Colin insisted, motioning to his feet.

            “Colin, the red is going to get dirty so much more easily than the blue,” I counter, pointing at my own shoes.

            “Now that’s just- “

            “Hey, (Y/N), can I talk to you?” Jamie interrupted.

Colin and I took simultaneous sips of our beer, making eyes at each other before I nodded. Colin took that as his cue to leave, giving Jamie a cheer as he left. Jamie looked down at his shoes, looking a little nervous.

            “What’s up, Jamie?” I asked, trying to force him to meet my eyes. Then he pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to me. It was a ticket. “What is this?”

            “It’s my ticket to your final game at Imperial,” he explained, motioning to the ticket.

Surprised I looked down. Imperial College. Where I had gone to uni and played football all four years. This final game I lead my team to the league championship.

            “I-I don’t under- “

            “Me and some friends had heard about this crazy talented football girl,” he began, still not meeting my eyes. “I thought, there was no way a girl could be as good as they were saying.” He laughed a little. “So, we bought tickets to see you play. And you were that good. Like… even better than they was saying.”

My mouth was agape with surprise. I looked down at the ticket, shaking my head in disbelief.

            “Jamie, I- “

            “Wait, let me finish, please,” he interrupted, again. “You really were incredible that night. I thought I would see you in professionals but.... your name never popped up. Anyways, when I found out you were coming to coach here, I suppose I thought that I needed to prove me self to you. Make myself look bigger and better. But it was really because I was intimidated by you. I was dumb, and really stupid. And I know I’ve been saying it a lot but I really am sorry. I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t good enough for us because the truth is, you’re really better than most of us.”

I was shocked by his sincerity. “Thank you, Jamie.”

He finally looked up at me. His eyes were big and searching, it almost broke my heart. I smile at him and raise my beer towards him.  

            “We’re okay, Jamie,” I reassured him.

His face broke out into a smile, that stupid cocky smile that I had seen so many times before.

            “Good, good,” he clinks his beer against mine. We both took a long sip of the beers looking around at the room.

            “You know, what you did today, for Sam, it was really good of you,” I told him, sincerely.

He shrugged. “Any of the lads would have done it.”

            “But they didn’t, you did,” I press, nudging his shoulder. “It was good.” He kept his cocky smirk, but I could see his cheeks turning a slight shade of pink. “Doesn’t excuse you playing like rubbish out there today.”

            “What? I did not!”

            “Oh, yes you did!”

The two of us sat there bickering and chatting about the game until long after everyone else had left. But I barely noticed. Jamie was funny. He was sincere and honest in a way I didn’t expect. It was too soon to tell but I felt my heart jump. The same way it had that night with the ghosts. Maybe, just maybe, that Jamie was here again.

I had a routine. Since moving back to Richmond, I stayed in the same schedule. I woke up at 7:00am. Get up, get a quick workout in, shower, eat breakfast, and get to work early so I could have some time on the pitch. Occasionally, when I was leaving my house, I would run into a pap or two asking me some inane questions about my place in the league and what I was doing to single handedly fix sexism in the football industry. Keely just told me to keep my head down and keep walking.

But now there was a new part to my schedule. Now when I arrived at the pitch, Jamie was there waiting for me. We’d play against each other, throwing sharp jabs at one another for whatever tiny mistakes the other would make. It was fun. Jamie was a fun friend. Wasn’t that great. Friends? Almost best friends, I might say. It was distracting.

            “So, hows that puzzle coming?” Ted asked, as I walked into the coaches room after my daily session with Jamie.

            “Huh? Oh! Good, I suppose? He’s doing well,” I responded, sitting in my seat. “He’s a fun guy to be around.”

Ted gave an understanding grunt. “Aint, that just great. A new friendship. Beard, didn’t I tell you I knew what I was doing.”

            “Don’t gloat,” Beard grunted from behind his book.

            “Hooh! I love it when he gets bitter,” Ted giggled, smiling at me. “Turns his eyes a lovely shade of hazel!”

Beard lowered his book just enough to show me his eyes. They did look lovely.

The game that weekend didn’t go great. We ended up in the video room watching the loss on the television. Isaac’s leadership was taking a steep turn. His fear was coming out in aggressive rages on the field when his teammates didn’t make the plays they were supposed to. After one particularly bad defensive move by Jan Maas, Ted paused the tv.

He began his motivational speech. This time about romcommunism. An interesting play on words about getting through the dark forest of the season.

            “What about aca-teamwork?” I suggested referencing my personal favorite romcom.

            “Oh, that is a Pitch Perfect comparison,” Ted quipped, snapping his fingers. “Becca thought she was cool by trying to be independent but what she needed was teamwork.”

            “But wasn’t the real lesson in Pitch Perfect the understanding of sisterhood and how surrounding yourself with people you love creates strength?” Colin pointed out.

            “Exactly, Colin,” I agreed, leaning back in my chair.

Ted came to sit next to me as the lights went down. I scanned the lads to watch their attention levels when my eyes landed on Jamie. He was smirking at me. When he caught my eyes, he gave me a fist pump a la The Breakfast Club. I shook my head at him and motioned for him to pay attention.

As the boys were changing and packing up for the day, I erased the strategies off the board.

            “Good call today with the Pitch Perfect reference, I love that movie,” Colin shared coming up behind me.

I capped my marker and turned to look at him with a smile. “It’s only the greatest romantic comedy in the 2010s!”

            “I agree. We don’t talk about the sequels, though,” he pointed out.

            “What sequels?” I joked, raising my eyebrows. “I’m still waiting on Becca to choose a song for the next auditions.”

            “You get it, alright, I’ll see you around girlo!” He gave me a pat on the arm as he walked out of the room. As I watched him leave, I noticed Jamie sitting on his bench listening to us talk. I quirked an eyebrow at him.

            “Something to add, Jamie?” I asked, grabbing my bag.

He picked up his own bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Nah, I ain’t seen that one.”

            “What! You haven’t seen Pitch Perfect?” I gaped. Though I knew it wasn’t super surprising that Jamie hadn’t seen it.

            “I prefer 10 Things I Hate About You, I like… what’s his name…” He approached me as he thought about the name. “Heath Ledger’s character.”

            “Patrick?” I offered, shocked that Jamie knew about one of the best rom coms of all time.

            “Exactly!” He started towards the door. I followed him, walking close enough that our shoulders were brushing. “What are your plans for this weekend?”

            “Uh, beating Sheffield Wednesday?” I replied, raising my eyebrows at him.

            “I mean besides that.” He rolled his eyes.

            “Dunno, maybe sleep in for once? Eat a French fry?” I shrugged. “What about you?”

As we rounded the corner to leave the room, I spied the newest sponsorship that Keely had hooked up for the boys. Keurig coffee makers.

            “Woah, maybe make too much coffee with my brand-new coffee machine,” he gloated, picking up his coffee.

            “Change of plans, I will be at your place drinking too much coffee with your new coffee machine,” I joked, glaring jealously at it.

He laughed. I decided I loved that sound and smiled at him. When I went to follow him, I heard a loud throat clearing. I turned and saw Rebecca and Keely looking at my expectantly. I frowned at them and turned back to Jamie.

            “I’ll see you around, yeah?” I called after him.

He turned back and for a second it looked like real disappointment on his face. But it cleared up quickly when he saw Keely standing behind me.

            “Oh alright, see you at Sheffield,” He turned to walk away but not before calling out, “Bye Keely!”

I don’t know why but it made my heart drop to hear him address his former girlfriend. I waved at him before turning back to face the two women behind me.

            “What do you two want?” I pouted, leaning against the wall next to Rebecca.

            “You like him!” Keely shouted, clapping her hands excitedly.

I snapped my head in their direction. “What are you talking about?”

            “She’s right,” Rebecca concurred, starring at her phone. “Everyone can see it.”

            “Everyone?”

            “Everyone,” Keely concluded. “Except, apparently, you and Jamie.”

I looked incredulously between Rebecca and Keely. I do not like Jamie. JAMIE! Of all people. Just a few weeks ago I couldn’t stand him and now they think I like him.

            “Seriously, that is just ridiculous, Jamie is just my friend,” I clarified, shaking my head.

            “Your friend that you go to work with, hang out with while at work, and walk home with?” Rebecca inquired, finally looking up from her phone. Her stare as piercing. But no, there was no way that I liked Jamie like that.

            “I think the two of you need to get laid,” I finished, pushing myself off the wall. “Instead of getting in other people’s business.”

I walked away from them, back to my office where I could pretend to be mad at them. I wasn’t mad, not really. Just annoyed. So, what I wasn’t able to have a friend in Jamie? I wasn’t able to admire his physique in a friendly way? Or laugh as his naivete and honesty? I finally felt like I had someone who respected me in this field. That’s all he was. A friend.

Tag list:

@optimisticsandwichgladiator, @oxxolovemelikeyoudooxxo, @ajax-petropolus-wife

[rejection-isnt-failure]

Brittany Snow going on a podcast to talk about a lot of things INCLUDING her ex husband is such a power move. Tyler you are a f*cking asshole. I can't wait to watch it tomorrow.

"your husband went on a reality show. And there was that whole situation with another women which you had no idea until you were watching"

"Of course I saw it. I watched it with my dog"

"By yourself"

*Nods, looking as though she's about to cry*

"Did you know?"

"Which one?"

WHICH ONE. Fuck me. The almost kiss with Kayla or the nose kiss with Polly. And then everything that happened with Alex that season and season 2 after their divorce. Scum. Utter scum. He went to fucking Dubai with Alex the day after his divorce was announced. I knew he was trash from the moment Britt started dating him and seeing her try not to cry in that clip fucking hurt so much. Go play with fire Tyler.

Ps. I did not watch the series, I refused to, but I saw enough clips on Tiktok and Twitter comments blasting him to hell for his behaviour.

Pss. This confirms that she found out about what happened at the same time as everyone else. He didn't even have the fucking balls to tell her himself. Don't get eaten by a shark, surfer boy

[blacclotusss]

I Could Not Prevent It

Claudia

Ah...the death of the vampiress Claudia...the day I have been dreading since...season one if I'm being quite honest with you. Before all of the murder plotting in episodes six and seven, before things went downhill halfway through episode 4, and before she even appeared on screen for the first time. My Claudia...my babygirl. When I learned about this show, I looked up all the characters and what happens to them, and it made me nervous that she was a child and would die in such a painful way. But, when I saw that she was aged up and would be Black, as her Daddy Lou would be as well, I was immediately protective of her and wanted nothing but the best. There was this delusional thought I had that maybe they would change the course of her fate and she'd be able to live as she deserves, but at every corner she turned, there was something else lurking and waiting to capture her; from her being turned, to Charlie, to Lestat and his nonsense, to Bruce, and all the way up to Armand and the Coven. Even before she was brought into Louis and Lestat's lives, the life she lived was one no person, let alone child, should ever have to go through. And then, she comes into this situation where the both of these men are turning her against her will for their own selfish reasons. I've always felt that way: Louis wanted something to fix after blaming himself for the riots and Lestat didn't want to lose Louis. Period. But, Claudia made the best out of her situation and was brilliant and defiant, doing her own thing despite what many told her she should do or act like. All the way up until her last moments in the flesh on Earth, she never backed down. And I absolutely love her for that, always will love her. She is such an amazingly written character in this show and I hope to see Delainey in so much more after this! 

The Trial

If this makes me seem biased, so be it, but none of what happened during that trial that came out of Lestat's mouth moved me. He knew exactly what he came there to do, but wants to get caught up in the moment and emotions when retelling the story. Goodbye! And for him to sit there a try to reveal "the truth" about what happened also did nothing for me. Lestat still had a part in everything that happened, EVERYTHING. That changes nothing! The retelling of the story was shit and so was that so-called apology because how can you apologize to him and not her? You put that girl through so much, verbally and physically abusing her. Asked if she would be a lap dog, let your mistress call her a dog, put your hands on her more than once, and threw her assault up in her face when she was trying to escape. Where is her apology? And had the audacity to look like that as she died. Save the tears and as Louis said "Fuck you!" Y'all can let that move you and have you kissing his feet if you want, but it changes nothing. He's still a piece of scum watched her die as she looked to him for help (Delainey's words) with tears like you didn't come here to watch her die. 

And this whole trial had such a racist undertone to it, from the descriptions to the depictions on screen. It just gave me "Hey look at the Black people provoking this white man to make him do these things." Literally everything, down to the cutting of the Achilles tendons, the way they treated Madeleine versus Louis and Claudia, etc. Just a tragedy all around. 

The final goodbye between Louis and Claudia...my God. It's the way that they didn't have a great greeting (that turning moment was not pretty, either version) and they only had a small moment of happiness between them before they were pulled apart. I already knew Louis was lying when he said in the previous episode that he did not feel anything when she left, but seeing them grab for each other (as well as his demeanor when speaking about her in Dubai) told me they loved each other; they've always loved each other. Yes, they butt heads, but you could always feel the love between them and I hate that they didn't get a proper departure. Lastly, my favorite moments in this episode were between Claudia and Madeleine. Madeleine being so out of it, to the point of not even understanding what was going on until the end, and still choosing to be with Claudia. Oh the waterworks! I'm so glad Claudia had someone that was all in with and for her before her demise. She, and the audience at home, was finally able to see and know what a Gothic romance is. This is immortal and eternal love between those that care and understand one another. I absolutely bawled when the both of them met the Sun and I don't think we'll ever see something so pure like that in this genre. I'll miss them both. And Louis...blow that theatre to pieces! 

Armand

Now you sir...what the hell are we going to do with you? I just...the man barely said anything this episode and he still managed to get under my skin. How strong are these vampires that you, the oldest one in the bunch and most powerful, cannot move nor prevent this from happening? Or did he really want her gone like I suspected he did last week? My money is definitely on the latter because he would have Louis all to himself and that seems like the goal with these men Louis cuddles up to. And he said Sam was guarding the gate, and no offense to Sam, but I'm sure Armand would be able to take him. But, what really got me was Sam was also seen helping put Louis in the coffin down stairs so what's the truth Armand? I guess we'll have to wait until next week. But, I did want to circle back to the racism, but in the fandom and not the show because I'm noticing the same pattern between everyone's reactions to the show. Y'all are on Armand's neck (warranted) for his role in this whole thing, but let the white man waltz on stage and let those tears fall and y'all are falling for it. I saw a video from a creator today, along with other tweets, calling Louis a master manipulator and how they'd known how evil he had been all this time. What? There's no way we're all watching the same show, not when you've come to that conclusion. There is zero consideration for Louis' feelings and thoughts at all. Y'all let your attraction to white cock cloud your judgement every time and it's sick to see. I hope you have no friends or family that have gone through anything like that because I'd steer very clear from you all.  

Season One Revisits

As I expected before the trailers dropped, there were two season one revisits in this episode. However, I don't feel as strongly about them as I thought I would and maybe it's because I overly analyzed those scenes before this. To me, the Claudia turning scene showed Louis' desperation for something to make him feel better after blaming himself for the riots. Him begging and pleading on his knees simply fueled just how broken he was. The most chilling part, however, was him dragging her like a child running around the house with a doll in tow. It's as if Claudia was his property, and you can even see that with him wanting her turned in the first place. With the episode five revisit, it didn't  change anything for me at all. I took it as Louis simply defending his child as was shown in season one and Lestat losing his temper and going overboard. He still had the upper hand and he knew it, he admitted it himself. It just feels like they brought it back up for no reason...why are we having Louis retell this again? He's already said what it was and how he felt. There was no reason for him to relive these memories once again in such a short span of time. I get it was for the plot, but at what cost? How many times do we need to hear the abused recount their abuse? 

[blaqueswanzaghouliishiilikeda]

iwtv ep 5 rewatch thoughts

opening with the scene within which i have built a home and become a permanent resident. right here in the moment rashmand smiles stupidly and louis slonks (🤭) every last drop of his blood. how anyone thinks they’re boring idk idk idk

they are being clear here that this isn’t consumption for the sake of sustenance. this is bloodletting as sex play and as power play. Danny is not having dinner. so its clear that this isn’t feeding as a meal but it is feeding as sexual exhibition at its most delicious. Danny is reading about claudia’s violent acts via the written recording of her victim’s last words while loumand basically vampire fuck at the other end of the table. this is also setting up the sexual violence to come for claudia and also for louis.

i think it is intentional that louis is the one feeding from armand for several reasons. one being because of what lestat does to him, which we see later on. this is power play for louis in a setting where he has voluntarily and possibly in some aspects dubiously relinquished control over to his lover armand. also bc of the connection between daniel and armand. they are revealing rashid as armand slowly here and his and louis’ involvement with daniel in the past. Daniel isn’t dumb. they know he can figure out the inconsistencies of louis drinking from armand and louis drinking from damek. this leads to daniels curiosity about how armand tastes like and his weight and louis puts daniel’s hidden attraction out on display against his wishes to throw him off. and daniel orders rashid around to take back some power.

i also think it’s a call back to the power dynamic of their first meeting. louis has power over daniel, and it seems he’s the one in control of the entire situation but then he checks in with armand before moving forward. in this moment in the present dubai 2020 setting louis has power over daniel (regardless of him no longer being that naive young man) and he plays the role of the one with the power over rashid, but the power he is receiving is from armands 500+ year old blood that he is offering to louis as the character he is playing. lord take me.

i think it’s interesting that daniel is feasting on claudia’s private memories but objects to louis reading and exposing his personal thoughts. even tho louis has shown time and again that he does that and would do it again. choices/consent is the big issue in this episode.

Daniel: man with green vest: please no. man with fat fingers: please stop. window washer: i can’t die like this. woman with purple shoes: please. boy with inner tube and dog: let my dog live. please no. please stop. stop. oh here’s a good one—man in the last row of The Son of Sheik picture show: You said you had cigarettes.

this is the first recounts we hear him read from claudia’s journal—claudia, who did not get a say in whether her voice and story be used by louis, armand and daniel in this way. He reads this and it’s clear that he [daniel] hadn’t actually consented to being the voyeur of loumand’s sex play given his visible discomfort/agitation. He continues anyways, trying his best to focus on the task at hand and not his bisexual longing for the men at the other end of the table bc even with everything he is reading and witnessing he is still attracted to them in all their insanity and monstrosity.

im interested in the fact that he pointedly reads out (“here’s a good one”) the misleading nature of the last one. “You said you had cigarettes.” i think it speaks to the fact that daniel came here to dubai for a supposed second interview and is slowly but surely realizing he is getting something else entirely. he continues “School teacher, guard your heart. i’m trying to think of something more fucked up than this.” he could be just talking about what claudia has written, but i think it’s also the fact that this is the section of his reading that loumand have chosen to be overtly sexual in front of him for as he reads. all this and he doesn’t even know yet of rashid being armand and his role in claudia’s death, though i’m sure he’s having suspicions of everything by now. also that louis, with being faced with the piece of claudia he doesn’t like to acknowledge, the monstrosity of her vampire nature, focuses of drinking from armand the man who killed his beloved daughter (something he said about “i run to the bottle” etc. etc). it does in fact get more fucked up danny.

and when armand implies that daniel is no better by revealing the danger it poses on louis and exposing louis’ suicidality without his permission (“he lives to share these opinions even when they are not solicited”) and revealing he doesn’t even want this book to happen, louis fights back by leaning into his power over daniel and exposing his thoughts about armand, and continues to, even when danny makes it clear his thoughts were not being voluntarily shared—that he did not want louis in his mind at all. he even interrupts rashmand in the middle of telling daniel he wouldn’t let him near his neck to offer up more information abt rashid (much to armands annoyance) that clearly isn’t even true after reading daniel’s mind again when daniel just explicitly told him not to. and when louis does that daniel fights back by leaning into his perceived power over rashid—louis’ servant—by demanding more of something to drink without even looking at him. and at this armand picks up his lil ipad and leaves without even picking up daniel’s glass, being the one who is actually the most powerful in the room. this is crazy. this is actually insane.

all this and armand is the one who killed claudia!!!! the only one who doesn’t get to fight back against her agency being taken from her in this scene!!! i’m going to fucking throw up. who is bored with them!? they are literally putting on thee insane sexy bdsm emo freaks show like…

“ The Son of Sheik” also alludes to the upcoming sexual assault btw. It’s a sequel to “The Sheik” where the protagonist is the son of the sheik in the first film who falls in love with a traveling dancer Yasmine. He rapes her out of retaliation for having been kidnapped and later whipped, which he believes to be her fault bc she is falsely accused of it. like in this episode and like claudia, yasmine’s rape is strongly implied in the movie with the use of pointed language and a scene cut.

this scene closes out with daniel pointing out he can’t get to accurate statistics of claudia’s murders to corroborate her accounts whether he thinks its more or less than what she recounts im unsure. louis points out that he wouldn’t be able to get an accurate account anyways bc of their disposal practices and how cities tend to downplay the dangers within them. daniel wanting all the details and louis making it clear he will have to accept that he can’t always have all the details will be a point of contention later on as we know.

[scenetocause]

no one asked for this but i was in the kitchen makin instant ramen and poleaxed by the thought of landoscar puppy play post-melbourne in the style of a fic i thought was gemjam's but now can't find where mark webber gave his then-protegee mitch evans a collar to help with homesickness anyway whatever have some fuckin words

edit: fuck's sake cassian obviously it was a collar and a kiss by zeraparker

mild warning for hopelessly undernegotiated kink

"Don't you ever get homesick?" Oscar could count the number of people he'd less like to be having this conversation with than Lando Norris on one hand and one of them's the bored immigration officer who had to tell him he'd not got his passport stamped right in Doha.

Lando snaps his gum, looking up to the ceiling like he's actually thinking about it. "No? Not really. I was sick of fucking Bali over Christmas, jesus and I don't want to go back to Dubai but like, home is everywhere innit?"

"No." Oscar closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose. Obviously Lando doesn't experience this, he could literally drive to his parents' house on half a tank of fuel, straight out of the MTC car park. Straight from Oscar's flat, where for some reason he's letting Lando crash as though him seeing the post-Australia comedown is a good idea.

"Hmm." Hearing Lando think is always disturbing. "Well, what can I do about it?"

Oscar has to open his eyes again in disbelief. 'What do you mean do about it?"

Seeing Lando cocking his head on one side, like a dog, makes something painful sear across Oscar's temples. "You're sad, I want to fix it. Max always-"

"Don't tell me about that." He can't hear about Max Fewtrell right now. The guy haunting the garage all weekend was enough. Oscar doesn't need a reminder he's not Lando's first anything, needs to keep the thoughts about breaking up with his girlfriend so they can properly be a thing to himself.

"Well." Lando is literally sitting on his hands. "Then you have to tell me about it yourself."

Thing is, this is too much. It's not the kind of thing he should share with Lando. Lando who he just got team-ordered for, Lando who he needs to match the tyre management of, Lando who will sit there and smile angelically and get his fucking way on anything they ever diverge on about feedback.

Oscar's clenching his jaw so hard he can almost feel the ache where they took his wisdom teeth, though. Another thing he didn't know he'd really miss this much.

"You can't fucking laugh at me." Why's he said that, for fuck's sake? Lando laughs at everything, would probably do it at a funeral in his weird, stressed-out way when he doesn't know how to socially behave.

"Ok." Lando's eyes are very big and he's looked up from his phone. "I can order TimTams on Uber Eats?"

That's actually quite sweet. But not what Oscar needs right now.

"Just - stay here." Lando's fucking weird, he's probably into some of this shit himself. If not something freakier, lying around his Monaco flat in a gimp mask, suffocating himself or god-knows-what shit.

It doesn't take long to find the box. Oscar's consciously never accumulated too much stuff in this flat, like he might have to move out of it any time. Like everything might have to go in a suitcase because the contract review board said it's over, kiddo, go back down under and pretend you understand your dad's business enough to pay him back.

It's not got very much in. Oscar doesn't like to wear too much, when he's like this. Just a t-shirt and shorts or his boxers. He doesn't think he's ready for Lando to see him shirtless, like this, make his eyes crinkle up in glee at how much of Oscar he can touch.

It'd be better if Lando did it, if someone put it on for him but that's too complicated to ask for, so Oscar does it himself, mostly. Puts the soft shorts on, an old Prema shirt that's a little too tight to wear outdoors but feels comfy, soft, reassuring on his skin.

The ears are easy but the collar. He can't do that, himself. Can't give himself the ball, the well-chewed, if pristinely laundered, beanie toy. Whines, unhappily, about it.

"Osc-" obviously, Lando heard him. The sounds of him chaotically standing up, nearly falling over Oscar's rug and stumbling towards his bedroom door, are already clattering through the flat. "Can I come in?"

He just whines again, an animal thing. Oscar needs permission, like this, doesn't give it.

"Ok you better not be dying because I never finished the first aid-" Lando stops in the doorway. "Oh."

Oscar sinks to the floor, his knees bending beneath him, shoving the box at Lando before he folds down on his knees and elbows, looking up at the guy he's supposed to do anything to beat.

"Good..." Lando moves his mouth around for a moment, licks his lips. "Puppy?"

He doesn't have a tail to wag, although he has thought about one of the plugs, sometimes. Objectively, the bit of Oscar's brain that's still somewhat functioning says wiggling his arse must make him look ridiculous, especially when he paws at the box and whines again.

Lando crouches down, touches the ears. "Do you want to go out?"

Oscar cringes back, shaking his head violently. God, imagine the headlines.

"Ok." Lando does his head-cock thing again, then sticks his hands into the box. "Do you want your collar?"

It's pretty shameful, the way Oscar crawls forward so easily, smushes his face against Lando's knee and maybe he should have asked about this properly but Lando goes easily, scritching behind Oscar's ear. "Oh you're such a good boy, look at you."

Lando fumbles the collar for a second, not getting the buckle right the first time and it's nearly uncomfortable enough Oscar stands up, right back out of it but then it goes and it's snug and tight and good, Lando's hand in his hair.

"Are these your toys?" Lando shifts to kneeling, lets Oscar get his head right in his lap, nuzzling against Lando's stomach through the pouch of his hoodie. He doesn't need to answer that one, it's pretty obvious.

"Well, I don't think Oscar would want you breaking his stuff, so I'm going to leave the ball here." The third person is a jolt, like a nod to camera but it feels right. Oscar is elsewhere, can worry about that later.

"Come on then, good dog." Lando stands up, with the beanie toy in hand. It's a koala, a stupid joke. "Come and play, then."

It's not a comfortable flat to get through on your hands and knees, hard wooden floor jarring him in a way that'll probably bruise a bit, tomorrow. Lando's walking easily, waggling the beanie like he thinks he needs to keep Oscar interested.

Not Oscar. Puppy. It feels good.

Lando pushes the coffee table away, scraping on the floor in a way Oscar's landlord will probably have an opinion about when he comes to pay the deposit back. But puppies don't worry about that kind of thing, so Oscar just crawls over to where Lando's sitting, legs spread and outstretched, on the rug.

"Come on," Lando holds out the beanie, waving it by Oscar's mouth. "You want this, yeah?"

Oscar growls, nips at it. It's not the toy he wants, really, just the -

Ah, perfect. Lando pulls Oscar forward by the toy, right on top of him as he leans back. Oscar can paw him like his, Lando laughing delightedly and twisting away.

It's - he's seen the video, McLaren posted it for some national day or something last year - the same way Lando plays with his family's dog. Silly, rolling around the floor, letting Oscar half-hump him while Lando's shrieking and trying to get out of his grip, only to dive back in, wrestling with Oscar.

The rug scoots across the floor under them and they nearly crash into the telly, Oscar ending up on his back, against the sofa, Lando tickling his tummy but the toy in Oscar's mouth, triumphant.

"Are you submitting? Are you letting me lead the pack?" It's a bit on the nose but yeah, maybe. Oscar kicks out a leg, half-heartedly, to show he isn't always going to be ok with that.

"What a good boy." That, he is always ok with. More than human-Oscar would like to admit.

Lando lies down next to him, face a bit flushed and eyes bright from playing. "Always wanted a dog. You can even come to all the races."

[ladycamillewrites]

Against the Odds

Chapter 10 - Don't be sorry

warnings: pregnancy stuff, emotional scenes, cussing

masterlist

“Chris? Can you hear me?“

“Tom! G’day mate! I know I might’ve overstrained your nerves yesterday“ Chris sighed, suddenly feeling a bit guilty for throwing the overwhelming piece of information at his best friend on a random Thursday night. Wile he was out with Benedict.

“No, it’s- I… fuck, man“ Tom’s husky voice echoed through the Aussie’s phone, self-doubts were battling rays of hope for a brighter future in his voice. “I’m in Dubai right now“

Short silence.

“Erm, you are where?“ 

“Dubai. It’s a three hour layover but those guys have quite the comfortable business class lounge“ Tom replied, the rattling of cutlery adding to the background noises.

The gears in Chris’ head shifted fast, the realization of what his best friend was doing set in like a lightning. But honestly he didn’t expect anything else. Tom was a good man with a strong heart.

“Oh god, thank ya. Y/n is” he stopped for a second “Well, she needs you“, his voice vanishing in a whisper as he heard your high-pitched curse from upstairs. Perhaps the baby was giving his sister some thundering headaches again. A muffled giggle resounded from the actor’s vocal cords whereas Tom was on red alert.

“Is she alright? God, I should’ve come far earlier“ the Brit sighed, doing a desperate facepalm and his left forearm landed on the table with a dull smack. The Arabian specialties he ordered smelled tantalizing however, his hunger was gone.

“Bro, calm down. It’s probably just the baby doing it’s first moves. She always complains about how it tickles on the inside and she can’t do anything about it“ the Thor actor explained, trying to take the guilt from his friend. There was no real need to make him insecure by telling the first conjecture about the reason of your cry. 

“Thank god. It sounds like her“ Tom chuckled lightly, freeing his forehead from the strong grip of his hand. Planes were taking off and pushing back behind the thick windows giving him hope to finally be reunited with the woman he loved more than anything else.

And his unborn child.

“So, If nothing gets in the way I’ll be arriving in Brisbane at 2pm“. 

“I’ll pick you up, bro. Have a nice flight“ Chris hurried to say goodbye before his secret phone call would blow up.

You were bustling all around the house, finding something new to do every five minutes. The second trimester, despite of small movements of the baby and occasional migraine, was flooding you with energy and motivation to do the most random stuff at even more random times. 

“Arielle? Where are you?“ Liam’s voice echoed from downstairs. “Bathroom. Thor tries to eat my bikini bottooooooms“ you yelled back, the panic in your voice amusingly audible. The fluffy Australian Shepherd was a sweetheart. Mostly. But sometimes he turned into Satan himself and tried to annoy the hell out of you.

“Thor tries to do what?“ Your youngest brother asked, the wicked entertainment obvious. Of course he found that funny. “When you finished laughing could you please get your pretty ass up here and put that dog away-ahhhhh!“.

Liam bit his hand to repress a roaring laughter while Chris fist banged on the counter top. Another desperate try to keep it in whereas your agitated curses echoed from above. Their gazes met and both knew they were absolutely defeated. Bursting out in crippling laughter the brothers bathed in your suffering. 

“Liam and Chris fucking Hemsworth! I know y’all grinning like a shot fox. M’ gonna kill you by drowning in the sea“ you cried out before dull thuds announced you descending the stairs and approaching your brothers with the chewed string of wet fabric menacingly in your hand. “Nooo, don’t“ Liam cried out running away from you like a scared, giggling child. You were a mess with your brothers but hell, no one cared so it was just perfect. 

“You’ll buy me a new crossie, friend“ you pointed at Chris who was still choking on a slice of mango. “Why should I?“ He threw his hands up in despair before the salivated fabric hit his naked torso with a wet smack. You weren’t to play games with right now but secretly you enjoyed the childish banter.

*ding-dong*

“Arielle, could you please accept the mail?“ Chris yelled from out of the garage. He just got back from grocery shopping and you were the only one dry and inside since your nephews were having quality time with their mother in the pool. Reluctantly, you got up, hasty legs carrying you towards the big, white door. 

Lost in thoughts about Tom, the few months you relished in a perfect life with him London, you twisted the doorknob.

“Hello, my love“.

Your jaw dropped, hands flying up to cup your cheeks as the man you were thinking about nonstop stood in the doorframe, a pretty bouquet made out of lilies and roses in his hands. It felt like you were frozen, as if the person who played you as character just paused the game while Tom’s coy yet incredibly charming smile dazzled your widened eyes. 

“May I come-“ he began, but the baritone voice you had missed so much died as your lips sealed with his. It was as if there had never been a second of pause, not even the slightest touch of difference. It was beautiful whereas you felt horrible inside. Hot tears teetered in the brink of your eyelids, ready to stain Tom’s notorious blue sweater.

“I missed you, darling“ he breathed as you parted for a second, causing the dam of your eyes to breake and gushes of salty tears streamed down you reddened cheeks. 

You had basically abandoned him, left him without a trace and only a ludicrous excuse of a letter. Nevertheless, the man stood right here in front of you smiling thorough his own emotionality with the biggest doe eyes. He wasn’t angry, was he?

Honestly, you couldn’t even blame him if he was.

“Listen, Tom I- I am so fucking sorry” it blurted out of you, unable to meet his ocean blues and turning away from the door instead. Your step away allowed the Brit to enter, however, you were trying to get a safe distance. A few feet that would spare you from his beautiful face contorted in disappointment like a Bernini statue.

“Love, please” 

“No, I can’t. There’s no adequate excuse for what I have done. I should have spoken to you before I left. I should’ve told you that I am…” your voice died in the sore passageway of your throat. Tom was unaware of your biggest secret, wasn’t he?

A whole damn child spending it’s thirteenth week of live in your belly was a hell of a secret. You felt like crumbling apart.

“Pregnant? I know, y/n” Tom’s soothing voice hoisted your gaze from the floor, rays of hope sparkling in your eyes and the broadly smiling man came closer. Was he alright with it? Would he possibly want to have a child with you? A thousand scenarios rumbled through your agitated mind, images of your happy family life fighting the idea of raising him or her alone.

“How do you-“ you began, your boyfriends sharp jawline pointing at your brother as he nodded agreeing wordlessly. Chris sat in the staircase grinning like a Cheshire Cat and holding both thumbs up in an affirmative gesture. Of course. How could you’ve been so stupid to tell him and not expecting him to tell his best friend who happened to be the father. 

You scoffed, grabbing Tom’s hand and pulling him across the whole living room until you reached the terrace, elaborately peppered with exotic plants and a few loungers. Peaceful and peace was definitely what you desired the most. Inner peace with yourself and the man you were ready to lose everything else for. 

“I found out the night of the London Awards but I was already in the tenth week. Remember when I stumbled and you dragged me to the ER?” you whispered, hands playing with vivid petals of the bouquet Tom had bought you. Oh, the scent was heavenly reminding you of the unique lilly-scented washing powder Tom used for his dress shirts. 

Probably not a coincidence but a gentle innuendo.

“Oh god. Why- Why didn’t you tell me?” He panted, looking up from the glass table that separated you like bars of a mental prison. His question weighed heavy on your delicate shoulders, the tickle of your baby’s first tries of movements added oil to the fire that spread across every single sense. It felt shitty, as if you had committed a felony.

“Fuck“ you sighed, hiding your sensitive face in the last fortress of small hands. You had hurt him and blatantly so. Shifting uncomfortable on the soft leather, you stopped as his gentle fingertips brushed your bare knees, slowly pushing the hem of your dress upwards, calculated wave-like motions. “Thomas, I didn’t mean to fool you. I really didn’t. It was just… I-“ you began to stammer mid-sentence.

“Shhh“ he calmed your troubled mind, squatting from the leathery surface and reaching to grab your waist. A gentle flex of his exposed forearms lifted you upwards, coaxing you to straddle his lap. His scent invaded your nostrils like sedative gas, his touch melted your spent muscles like lava melts snow. It felt like the exact same home you left three weeks ago.

Guilt. That was what fueled your tears as soon as your face nuzzled in the crook of his neck. You had left him. Pregnant. You could never properly excuse this although your choice had been influenced heavily by the greedy, destructive voices that wanted nothing but drama and heartbreak.

“I know, darling. I could never reproach you for what you did“ he whispered, the big hand continuously tracing little circles and other swirling patterns on your back. “But I sincerely hope that you can give us a second chance“ the Brit purred carefully. “Please, love. I need you“ the last words flew silently in the Australian breeze like a heavy promise. A promise to your ears only before it got carried away.

“Would you want me back? After…well, I left you?“ You murmured barely audible against the drenched fabric of his signature sweater. Your tears had devoured his whole shoulder but the relentless sun would dry it in an instant anyway. A bit of wetness was Tom’s smallest problem at the moment.

“I’ve never not wanted you, y/n. Since the day Chris introduced me to you again I knew you would play the leading role my own, personal movie. God, I have thought about you since that day. Nonstop, not until this very second“ 

“Can we take a break from the world? Just us and the people who don’t judge for a little while? I need to get my life- we need to get our life sorted“ you paused for a little sigh, slightly hesitant to mention the ‘issue‘. “Especially since she’s with us“.

“So… you think it is a girl? Our baby?“ Tom breathed, the words sinking in like hot ash burning all his previous experiences and nurturing the new life he would be building with you. And with whoever little wonder was hiding in your womb. It was much to take in. “Our baby“ he repeated almost absent-mindedly, thoughts trailing off to how he would be a father in about… wait.

“How far along are you, love?“ The question dragged you out of the gleeful bliss of watching Tom’s gorgeous face contort in pure awe. “Fourteenth week so in the beginning of the second trimester“ you began to explain, your boyfriend’s lips twitching with every new piece of vulnerable information he got. You could almost smell his adorable excitement. 

“Wow” his soft baritone cooed, almost in sync with your giggle. “With you wearing this loose dress I could never have guessed”.

“And yes, somehow I have the feeling it’s a girl. She’ll have your beautiful curls, Tommy“. You smiled so freely and happily for the first time in a long time. Your cheeks wandered up to give way to proud, curling lips and your pregnancy glow reflected the sun like a touch of divinity. He always wanted to have children once and with you being their mother, the actor couldn’t be any happier. He never had been to be exact, in none of his earlier relationships.

Tom hummed in approval, returning your smile before your delicate hand grabbed his, guiding it towards your stomach but he stopped, steel blue doe eyes searching for consent. He was a gentleman of the first waters. Always. Even if it was about his own flesh and blood growing like a wonderful flower.

“Go on“ you smiled coyly, gaze fixed on the Brit’s unique facial features scanning them for any sign of reaction as he touched your small bump. It wasn’t too big yet but clearly visible now that you brushed the fabric of the dress. “Christ“ he breathed, a sudden warmth spreading from his palms like a calming balm. You could feel how she was enjoying her dad’s touch.

For the first time knowingly.

“You’re gonna be a father, Thomas Hiddleston“ you snickered. The angelic sound of your words and their overwhelming meaning dragged the curly haired Brit out of his trance and back into the reality he would cherish and treasure like a guard dog. 

“We- we’ll have a baby“ he eventually whimpered with a sniffy tone. The man had lost control over his words or expressions. “I thought it was impossible for me“ you mused, smiling to yourself at all the comments and bottomless accusations Nate had planted in your mind.

Bullshit. It had all been bullshit and Tom, the real love of your life, had proven it.

Nate could proudly go fuck himself because you had everything you wanted. 

But deep down you knew this triumph wouldn’t be for too long. In a few months the premiere of ‘The Moralizer‘ would take place with compulsory attendance for you and Tom. Logically the world world would know if you came.

However, you wanted to keep this piece of heaven for as long as it lasted. In private.

“God, y/n. You're growing a wonder. I can’t wait to meet him“ he chuckled pulling you in a gentle kiss and lavishly toying with your lower lip. He was devastatingly seductive as always but suave in his tender touch.

“Him? So you don’t think it’s a girl?“ You mused against his wet lips, both of your mouths curling in fond smiles and giggles. 

“Hmmm“ he hummed, the dark timbre of his voice always remaining you of Loki, the Asgardian god you had a massive movie-crush on since the first Thor movie and naturally it got progressively worse. To your defense, you weren’t alone. “No. It’s gonna be a daddy’s boy“.

“Tommy! What even is my role then? You cannot just claim little Hiddles!“ 

“Excuse me? Little Hiddles?“ Tom chuckled, butterflies swirling in his belly at your face all scrunched up in mischievous laughter and of course the cute nickname you had given the baby. He would copy that most definitely. ‘Little Hiddles’ he repeated in his head, pride swelling in his chest, the thought of you as the mother of his child was simple in it’s nature but utterly beautiful.

“Y/n, Tom? Can we talk for a second?“ A shy Elsa peeked around the corner of the brick column. She had been an angel since your arrival, the second person to know of your pregnancy in general and the best source of productive help you got so far. She had three kids after all.

“Sure, and thank you for letting me stay, Elsa. Truly“ Tom unwrapped his charming, British smile making Elsa return it a mere blink of an eye. This man was a honeytrap for every breathing being, a fluffy looking predator that could lure anyone he wished. But it was you who owned his pure heart. You and baby-Tommy, of course.

“You’re something like my brother-in-law so how could I say no?“ She giggled, sitting down opposite of you. “Have you told him about the appointment and the little thing we’ve planned?“ 

You but your lower lips, sudden nervousness cursed your veins at the thought of today’s ultrasound appointment. The biggest one in a while and with a little luck, the doc would be able to determine the gender. Hopefully, everything was alright with your little wonder. You couldn’t bear any complications in this emotionally vulnerable state. Not with the newfound happiness Tom brought with him from London. 

“Well, erm I thought you c- can“ you begun to stutter like a child, your gaze jumping from Tom’s right eyes to his left. “She has a big exam today and now that the daddy is here…“ Elsa tried to help you, nodding affirmatively until the words slipped from your tongue.

“Would you like to come with me?“ 

“If you would have me, dove“ Tom cooed with excitement tugging at his lips.

Chris’ wife was slowly melting but not from the Australian sun, no, from the utter cuteness of the whole scenario. It felt like the final, happy reunion in a rom-com with the best actors on the planet. To her you definitely were.

“And Elsa wants to organize a gender reveal party if that’s okay with you, baby“ you snickered against his muscular chest, the training for Skull Island and the Moralizer was still showing off so seductively. If everything was going well later, Tom would definitely not be allowed the leave the bedroom tonight. 

You were touch starved and so was he, his hips subtly bucking as you leaned back, temptingly putting your cleavage on display for him.

Oh, the passion never died.

“I can hear it in your voice, dove. You would love this, wouldn’t you?“ He mocked playfully, long digits flying to hold you in place. “Maybe“. The giggle spoke volumes, making the handsome Brit set up the serotonin-boosting smile you loved so much about him. The shiny teeth reflected the sun like luxurious pearls while you drowned in the ocean and sky blue shades of his almond eyes.

A beautiful man and all yours. Hopefully, forever.

“Ready? It could feel a bit cold“ the doctor asked for consent before applying the ultrasound probe on your bump. It tickled, felt weird but Tom was sitting right next to you caressing your arm and smiling like an exited kid. You wouldn’t know whether it was a girl or a boy since Elsa planned the party for you. 

The doc knew so everything that came out of his mouth were the standard affirmations. You smiled at Tom, watching him look at the monitor with an awe-struck expression painting his sharp facials.

Fuck Nate. This was exactly what you wanted. This man and this little family.

But his smile died, brows furrowed in confusion as the doctor mumbled incoherent phrases to himself, moving the probe across your belly as if he was searching something. 

“Ehm, is everything alright?“ Your dry voice was shaking and Tom’s big hand grabbed your left hand. The tension was palpable and thousands of bad scenarios began to flash in your irritated mommy-mind. 

“Oh, sorry! Yes, it is actually all good twice“ he explained, fingers moving on the monitor to make measurements or whatever this device was capable of. 

Your confused gaze met your boyfriend’s equally puzzled ocean blues, both unable to process what the doctor was trying to imply. 

“You didn’t know?“ The older man asked again, an exited grin on his thin lips. “Sorry, know what?“

“You’re expecting twins, Ms Hemsworth“ 

“I beg your pardon?“ It blurted out of Tom, disbelief written all over his gorgeous face like an emotional love letter. The shock turned into a sweet realization as the monitor got turned and you saw the two tiny beings sharing your belly like roommates.

“Well, the babies are a bit small for your stage of pregnancy but it's nothing to worry about. Both seem perfectly healthy“.

Two babies.

“Oh my god“ you breathed, mouth agape from feeling you couldn’t even describe properly. Of course, you were overwhelmed for more than just a blink of an eye and maybe would need some days to really process this. However, the main emotions were pure luck, happiness and pride swelling in your fast pounding heart when glassy eyes met Tom.

* beep beep *

“Oh, excuse me for a minute“ the friendly doctor nodded, the honest smile on his face silently congratulating the happy couple before the he left. 

“Twins, darling! You’re a wonder“ Tom sobbed, sweet tears rolling down the sharp path of his cheekbones until they hit your naked belly. It felt so wholesome yet utterly distant as you sat up, back against Tom’s chest and both staring at the on-hold image the doctor captured. 

At first you thought you would never have a baby and now… two little creatures sleeping safe and sound in your bump. The natural consequence of your love to the most perfect man on earth.

“I- I don’t… we have to buy twice as much clothes?!“ It blurted out of you, realization slowly setting like dawn. Tom just chuckled, the deep sound intertwining with happy sobs and vibrating against your neck. He held you tight, one hand sinking down to cup your belly in such loving manner, the twins would surely notice.

“Looks like I have to order two Loki jumpers then“. “Sorry, you ordered what?“ You bursted out in laughter swiftly turning your shoulders to face the grinning man. He was Loki, there was no doubt. But the stubble of his beard was kind of distracting to the image of the ethereal trickster nevertheless, you loved it as much. 

“You will be an amazing father, Tom“ you snickered, the tip of your nose touching his before his pointer brushed your chin and coaxed you into a passionate kiss. Tongues were swirling around each other, tears were mingling at your touching cheeks. This moment was one to treasure, one that was burnt deep in your memory. One that you shared with Tom forever and maybe would think about again when your twins had kids of their own…

“I’m so sorry I left you. Is there any way I could-“ but Tom was quick to interrupt “Love, we talked about this. No more apologies because I am happier than ever“ he breathed in between the heated kiss. Perhaps it grew a bit out of control, his greedy hands melting in the curves of your hips.

“Guys, I’ve heard you’re-“ Elsa stumbled in the room, the handle of her bag getting caught on the doorknob. With heavy pants you parted, mentally thanking the door for distracting your sister-in-law. There was no need for her to see you almost making out in the examination room of the local hospital, right?

“Twins!“ You grinned like a Cheshire Cat while it was still dawning on you that this meant twice the work, twice the fatigue and twice the bustle.

But hell, as if you couldn’t manage it with Tom on your side. You were ready for this luck of a challenge and so was your boyfriend, agog to tell his mom. You’ve met her already, even visited her a few times and she was so adorable. The perfect grandmother, you were sure.

Elsa squeaked like an overly exited child, jumping around to pull both of you in a hug. “Congratulations, you two“ she chirped, suddenly pulling back to stare at you with eyes widened and a silent o on her lips. “Oh gosh! I have to double up all the decoration and stuff“ it blurted out of her bestowing you a good round of laughter.

Unbeknownst to you the doctor returned, your documents and files in his hands.

“Mister Hiddleston, do you know your blood type by any chance?“ He intervened, the smile in his voice audible as the sweet serotonin swirling in the air infiltrated him as well. 

“A negative, sir“ his answer came like shot leaving Elsa and you startled, exchanging funny looks as the doc completed the entries in your maternity record. “Well, you could shoot me in the leg and I wouldn’t know“ your best friend quipped nudging Tom in the side to elicit some kind of explanation.  

Tom’s amused chuckle warmed your heart as you smoothened your blouse again, turning on the medical couch, your legs dangling freely. “While filming Skull Island they needed to know in case anyone got injured in the backland of Vietnam“ he explained, smiling at all the interesting memories he made.

“Have you heard that mini-Hiddlestons? Your daddy is a pretty cool guy“ you cackled, caressing the small bump hidden by comfortable leggings.

“Twins? Are you kidding me mate?“ Chris’ deep voice echoed through the whole house as Tom proudly presented the ultrasound picture the doc gave you. “What?“ India squeaked running towards her daddy and swiftly grabbing the photo. Logically, it was just a weird black and white image of something she was far too young to realize but her youthful joy was unstoppable. 

“Like Tristan and Sasha?“ She asked Tom, small eyebrows furrowed in concentration to process the gleeful situation. India had idolized her aunt y/n since the day she was born and finding out there would be more kids in her family soon was totally awesome to her.

“Exactly. Maybe this kind of luck runs in the Hemsworth-blood?“ Tom joked patting his bro’s shoulders; the man as hard as rock yet fighting happy tears like a toddler. “You have no idea what multiplying this kind of work means“ your big brother tried to detract from his emotionality but Tom just laughed it off.

There was no space for worries or fears right now. Just bliss.

“Chris, what the hell?“ Liam intervened crossing his arms in front of his chest defensively. The youngest brother sometimes actually was the most reasonable. “Are you really just terrifying him? Give this man a break“.

“Exactly, Chris. Listen to your brother“ you feigned seriousness while jumping on Liam’s back letting him carry you around the house like a human horse. “To the fridge“ you commanded strictly, extending one arm with your fingers pointing to the kitchen.

The mini-Hiddles were hungry so the mango in the fridge was destined to die.

The other mango you knew was certainly better suited for more private times…

“Lucky you. The last few days she wanted me to drive her to Macca’s“ Chris sighed, getting up to indulge his begging daughter’s wish to go play with Thor. Tom was left turning around on the couch, his right arm resting on the backrest so that he could watch his beautiful y/n bickering with her brother. She was perfect, curling the corners of lips upwards with ease. 

After you were finished arguing with Liam on how to cut a mango the right way, you were huddled up in Tom’s strong arms, the two of you enjoying the privacy at the pool. Light blue pool lights were creating flickering and swaying rays with the tiny waves rippling across the water surface. It was so peaceful, and so was your heart. Almost.

“Tommy?“ “Hmm?“ He hummed, eyes closed and tired from the excruciatingly long day. A stop-over flight, a fateful talk and finding out he was gonna be the dad of twins had the Brit’s mind dizzy.

However, it was a good kind of dizzy, the way you would feel after a fun rollercoaster ride. 

“What do you say about taking some time off? I want to to savor this with you before we have to face reality again“ you spoke, barely audible in the valley between his biceps and torso. You knew it was going to happen and the media outcry would be heavy. Needless to say you weren’t keen on Nate’s fucking stupid comments. 

But they would meet your ears soon enough and you wanted to be prepared.

“Of course. I already told my manager about a break due to personal reasons. Are three weeks fine with you, darling?“ He cooed, dexterous digits toying with a strand of your hair sprawled across his bare chest. You could feel his defined pectorals flexing as his arm reached out to cradle your figure lovingly. 

“More than fine, my love“ you grinned up at him. “We will be stronger than ever“ He added while his ocean blues wandered your bikini clad body greedily. Oh, how well you knew this look and what would follow. 

“I hope so, Tommy. But let’s not waste time on those idiots, shall we?“ You chirped, his subtle beard tickling your delicate skin as your lips sealed agin.

a/n: twins guyssss 🎉 let's see if the newfound happiness lasts

tags: @crimson25 @kikster606 @huntress-artemiss @123forgottherest @lovingchoices14 @ozymdias @vbecker10 @coldnique @lokixryss @simplyholl @peaches1958 @lokibadguy @jennyggggrrr @stephenstrangeaddictions @holymultiplefandomsbatman @mischief2sarawr @mypsychoticlove @mochie85 @muddyorbs @ijuststareatstuffhereok89 @simping-for-marvel @lady-rose-moon @goblingirlsarah @kats72 @vickie5446 @buffyfan2833 @12-pm-510 @ladymischief11 @somewiseguy @woooonau @cabingrlandrandomcrap @alchemxx @honeyrydernot

[firewoodfigs]

It’s so surreal to think that, just a little less than four months ago, I was so desperate to live and work in London—even if that meant having to be away from my beloved. I worked in a London-based firm previously and was genuinely under the belief that that was the natural trajectory; that I needed to bite the bullet and take the opportunity to move to Dubai as proposed and build my stepping stones out of desert sand, that I needed to move in order to grow and be happy, and so on and so forth.

And then one day this earth-shattering epiphany descended on me like bricks: moving abroad isn’t going to bring me happiness if I’m still going to be slogging it out in a crummy office and working 14-hour days. Living that sort of life isn’t going to inspire me regardless. And, you know, I’d thought maybe it was a cultural thing, but if anything it’s more industry-specific. It really is the same everywhere, if not worse. These days it’s just all about trading time for money. Some days are genuinely so enervating you question your entire existence and feel like you’re physically dissociating from your body, and when you do get a day off you’re too tired to do anything else apart from catch up on sleep. Other days are slower, riddled with guilt—constantly feeling like you’re not doing enough to prove your worth in salt. And when I really take a step back to scrutinise it all objectively, what I want isn’t necessarily to work abroad. What I want is to live abroad; to relish in and be inspired by the novelty of it all. To meet new people and connect with them on a deeper level as friends, not “connections”. To run away from everything.

Then I paused in my tracks and realised I was going in circles, misled by the various voices around me like a dog on a leash. And I concluded—staying put is fine. I’ve still got a long way to go. I’ve still got time, I think, to figure it out. I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.

And yes, London was lovely, and I miss it dearly—at least when I was there as a tourist. I’m not so sure the sentiment would remain if I was working and living there and required to pay 40% of my income in taxes. Anywhere you go, capitalism just tries to crush your soul. That’s just how big cities work, I think. But these days I’ve been trying to collect smiles and words and kindness more than pennies—and truly, they’re worth its weight in gold.

[nalyra-dreaming]

Hi, I hope you are well and that your day is going well. I was hoping for a bit of nuance to this scene and would like your thoughts. Ep. 6 of IWTV shows Lestat make fun of Claudia for her rape, threaten to send her rapist after Claudia again, and threaten to end her. I know that this scene is from Claudia's pov and so this interaction may not have went this way. However if this really happened what would be Lestat's thought process behind this? Why behave this cruelly (assuming this depiction is true, I'm aware it may not be and would be quite relieved if Lestat wasn't this unkind). Did he really do this to his "daughter"? Could he do this? What are your thoughts?

Ok so... I know this scene is harsh.

I have my own theories about it which I will work into my fic, but... real quick:

Lestat did not threaten to send her rapist after her. And he didn't make fun of her. Imho. He warned her. And then he threatened her, yes. IF it happened like that.

Lestat is also a victim of rape, and he loved Claudia. This scene is... from her POV in Louis' memory. There is no diary relating that scene, and I very much doubt that Claudia would have related it neutrally, too. It is what Louis has made of what Claudia chose to share, and what he then uses to make the point of it being inevitable that they kill Lestat.

So. I do think Lestat brought her back, and that he made some comments, which she took like that. I do think he searched for Bruce, and that he has kept track of him. I do think that he threatened her in a last ditch effort to dissuade her from leaving, running away. He knew what the rules were. He knew what would likely happen.

He knew the coven in Paris.

And he knew what her leaving would do to Louis.

Unfortunately, he and Claudia are very much alike, and so they butted heads very often. They also were very harsh with each other, because they saw each other quite clearly. While also knowing how to hurt the other - Lestat calls her "Evil of my evil" in the books, and I think that is very fitting... - and I think this plays into it also, that Claudia took the comments a certain way, and Lestat probably used sharp words, too.

The show uses that scene to make some very pointed commentary in setup and visuals. And wording. The dog once more, the cage. The luggage compartment.

But ... in-universe that scene is highly unlikely to have happened that way. Because there are logistics contradicting the train scene itself (Claudia's luggage. The tuba. How would that work on a moving train? The trains didn't go that often, and I doubt Claudia would have just acquiesced to hold onto Lestat herself while he carried the luggage if he would choose to fly with her... it just... doesn't make sense logistically. It's why I think the train was never moving, I think he picked her up at the station, OR even stopped her from leaving from home.)

There is also the tale-layer that needs to be considered here.

Louis says (in Dubai):

This is the part of my story, back in San Francisco, where you said, and I paraphrase, "Give it to me. Make me a vampire now."

So this is where he and Daniel ended up in the interview last time, this is where the previous interview stops.

This is where any previous knowledge Daniel has (or, better, remembers at this point) ends.

Louis repeats, that they came to the conclusion that they "had to kill Lestat". Twice. He wants it to land (but Daniel is asleep, drugged). He wants it to be understood, and that it does come across as inevitable. He wants the story shaped in a certain way, and he narrates what supposedly happened in that train car after the above comment.

I don't think that can be completely dismissed here, as with everything on this show.

Again, intentionally lying or not, or embellishing or not... it is what Louis has made of what Claudia chose to share.

And that is obviously colored by perception, and intent.

And the pain of memory.

So no, I do not think Lestat did it - like that.

I think he went after her, he might have threatened her and I'm sure there were some very harsh words, too.

But as shown? I doubt it.

[avcuae]

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[yorkshire-rockchick]

Loved your new fic so much! Personally think new members absolutely need a list of all the team's stuffed animals. I feel like some like the likes of Reynolds, Colin and Sam had ones they had from childhood whereas the likes of Isaac, Jamie and Jan were talked into buying or were gifted ones. They probably have rules about not having the same species of animal toys as well because they're all insane...Richard's and Jan argue that their toys are actually a mountain goat and a domesticated goat despite that literally still being the same species and them literally having the same toy. I have so many thoughts on this would love to hear yours

So I've thought about it and this is what I have:

Tom O’Brien - A sheep, because his granddad was a sheep farmer.

Arlo Dixon - A cuddly corgi, which his now ex-wife maintains he loves more than her.

Tommy Winchester - A bear knitted by his nan. It is lopsided and only vaguely resembles a bear but he loves it.

Isaac McAdoo - A Build-A-Bear given to him by Colin as a joke. Neither of them can remember the joke but Isaac loves the bear as much as he loves Colin. He asked his mum to make the bear a little captain's armband after he became captain.

Sasha Kukoč - A frog, because he likes Kermit the frog.

Richard Montlaur - A mountain goat given to him by his nephew before he left for England. He actually hates goats but he loves his nephew so the goat stays.

Jamie Tartt - A shark, given to him by the team after the Dubai Air protest. He will never admit it but the shark means a lot to him. When he was at Richmond the first time he didn’t have anything and laughed at the immaturity of the rest of the team.

Colin Hughes - A dragon. After he comes out the team buys him a rainbow dragon and he takes both of them to games.

Jan Maas - An Octopus. Jan was going to be a marine biologist if he wasn’t a footballer. When he first joins Richmond he maintains he does not have a cuddly toy so Colin and Jeff steal the octopus, Jan didn’t speak to them for a month despite no harm being done.

Dani Rojas - When he first moves to England, nothing, because he didn’t want to lose an old friend on the journey over, until the comment about being a raven haired golden retriever results in Isaac getting him a golden retriever.

Robbie Roberts - A cat, because he is allergic to cats and his sister thought it was funny when they were kids.

Jeff Goodman - A highland cow, because they are both ginger. He has to keep reminding people he is from Yorkshire, not Scotland.

Babatunde - A raccoon, because he thinks they are cute and fun to watch

Declan Cockburn - A cuddly plant because he can not keep plants alive to save his life.

Paul Reynolds - Originally a Leprechaun he bought over from Ireland with him, however he ends up with a cuddly olive given to him by O’Brien after his daughter, Olivia, is born.

Moe Bumbercatch - A one eyed sloth he won on a claw machine when he was a teenager

Martin De Maat - Misunderstood and actually has a cushion with a picture of a donkey on it.

Sam Obisanya - A dog he has had since he was a baby. When he was with Rebecca the poor thing got hidden in the wardrobe but now it is back on his bed.

Kyle McCraken - A squid, which in part led to being called Squid Game. He is still upset that you can’t get a cuddly kraken.

Bhargava - A peacock, he shrugs when asked questions about it.

Anders Rosenfeldt - A rag doll because his girlfriend got it for him when he said he needed a cuddly friend for away games.

Thierry Zoreaux - A moose holding the canadian flag. If Paul and Colin can have something from their home countries, so can he.

Will Kitman - A very tired looking elephant that he has had since he was a baby. If it can survive university it can survive a football team.

Bonus:

Roy - A very grumpy unicorn given to him by Phoebe for his first ever Uncle's day. No one had ever seen it until they were in the championship and they played away at Rotherham when the fire alarm in the hotel went off, Roy grabbed the unicorn and took it with him outside. Jamie and Colin laughed, resulting in them having to run laps once they were back in Richmond and they both had to apologise to the unicorn in front of the whole team.

Beard - A hedgehog. No one knows why and he refuses to answer questions.

[elisalala5]

only 30 minutes to go before 2023 hits whaaaaaat

in 2022 I

finally traveled a lot (Dubai, Berlin, Prague, Vietnam)

went to disneyland paris with @that-one-random-stuff

saw LOONA in concert in Amsterdam

moved with my family from an apartment to a new house (still in the same town)

got covid for a second time yuck

had a disease diagnosis but got surgery that made my life so much easier. recovery was rough though

my dog got sick and has ups and downs every day, so we take it day by day and celebrate every good day

Please give me and my loved ones joy, love, safety and health (and money) dear 2023!

[calypso-finale]

Sixty.

I have really won the prize with this man; it is like god put him in my path. I mean his stupidity could have got him in shit because when he mentioned my mom I kind of switched off when we first met, but he bought it back, he caught himself on it but I am so happy, like I am at the happiest I ever been and I am on cloud nine. I am sad that I will be leaving Amanda in Dubai but that is on her, she could have come to New York, but she isn’t, I am moving over here but Taylan is making me busy, he told me to handle his media handle, like he can’t do it himself, but he gives me his phone, so I am on cloud nine, what girl doesn’t want her mans phone, but I don’t look in it like that, I have to keep it business like. I come to watch him train and we both leave, he decided that he isn’t going to stay in Philadelphia, and he asked my mom if we can live together, he said he could live in different places but at the end of the day we would be seeing other still, I am more then happy to be waking up to him every morning, so I am the blessed one. He really is so respectful to my family, and I cannot fault him about it at all, I did ask Rylee because she did say to me that she would help with the Fenty overseas, but she is busy, how did she become busy overnight. She has switched and said that she can’t do it but whatever, I can handle it. She is a let down anyways, and the funniest thing, since the whole Taylan thing, my followers have rocketed, I mean I don’t want to be under his shadow, so I am telling my mom that I want more parts in Fenty, I want my name engraved in that company, I want it. I can run it, my mom is still very stingy, she is holding back and just wants me to run around. I am not sure why, or what she has got planned, it does make me think why she won’t make my name more in lights with Fenty but only time will tell “stop it” I moved out of the way, that ball was going to hit me “come on! Catch it” Taylan laughed; he could break my nail “yeah catch it, very funny” rolling my eyes “well you’re stood there day dreaming, don’t worry we are going now” I grinned “good, we need to look for places to stay please and thank you” he saluted me.

Taylan can eat, that is all I am thinking while I watch him eat, he is eating for the gods, I don’t know how I would feed such a man like this, but I will deal, he eats well compared to my little plate “you always look at me like I eat like a dog” I sniggered “no! I was thinking actually” I defended “I was thinking about living arrangements, I think. While you’re getting on your feet, I think that we should get an apartment, the one we saw, the three bedroom one. The spare room for our child” he pointed “I can’t wait to get a dog, see no need to have a whole child, dogs are your kids too” nodding my head “I could never be a mother right now, my god. Imagine, hindering your life for the child, no way. I am living, not living for a child” he chuckled “exactly, also I want a dog so we can have our child, that will be ours” he keeps saying that “don’t worry we will share” I smiled “and a spare room when you annoy me, I am sorry but the way you near enough kill me by laying on me, I swear I stop breathing” Taylan laughed “you are so dramatic” nodding my head “I agree though, I think the apartment is nice” smiling at him “and if we can deal with that, a year or two, we can move into a house, I really love you” the word love “stop it” I mumbled “what?” he laughed “just makes me shy when you say it, it’s early right?” he shrugged “look, I saw you on the flight. I liked you straight off, so what” he shrugged “ok” I mumbled “you going to piss me off when you just say ok, I say love you and you’re like ok, you know how nasty that is?” I cringed “I know but it’s just hard, you know” he smiled at me “you always used too getting second best, but not anymore, my media director” I chuckled, he is funny.

Taylan turned his phone to me “this apartment is nice though, Manhattan, I can get there and back. Philly ain’t for me but this is” nodding my head “I agree, I feel like it’s more us” Taylan pointed “Fenty headquarters just close by too, your mom is killing it though. And she should give it you” rolling my eyes “she is erm, she is keeping her cards close to her chest with that, I don’t know what she is doing but I have said to her I want my name in it more, I do work hard and also. My mom wanted me to speak to you, about your mouth. What I tell you, about things. Shut up about it please, you may have asked, and I know you just asked, I believe it, but Rylee didn’t like it. With you being in the family and potentially clashing with my sister, don’t speak on anything with her, ask her how she is but don’t say anymore” Taylan shook his head “I asked a question, and she got upset about? How can that be, she is too sensitive, I just find it funny how she had it all on a plate and did what with it? I don’t know but I will” Taylan sat back “the thing is, Rylee is my dad’ love, like he adores her so much and if she told him, I mean I don’t think she cares now because she never mentioned it to my mom, I did. But if she did mention it to my dad, he would be pissed so please Taylan, I don’t want the drama. I want you to get on with all of my family, you’re a good man and they all see it” I pleaded with him “I just want to speak to her, just like she didn’t want to be in the chat with me” I laughed “no, I didn’t add her because she would disagree and she will say why do you get special treatment, just leave it. And please don’t say anything to Imani, I told you the issues she has, this is why she is different” Taylan rubbed his face “ok it was a joke but still” he laughed “I just find it funny she erm, she went with a pervert” I gasped “stop it!” I spat “ok, I am done. Just yeah, I will. Promise” he chuckled “but anyways, back to us. I just got a big mouth; I say it how I see it. Mom is happy who cares right?” I pointed at him “dad! my dad too” he forgets that one.

I am here being on the skype call with my mom, auntie Jen, Jay Brown, it’s kind of intimidating, especially my mom. When she is working, she is working, and she treats me like a worker “erm can I bring up something” I said, all eyes on me “yes niece” Jay Brown said, he is nice “so like I know I am in Dubai and things have been flowing better, I did think I would have had Rylee doing my thing but she has a schedule, she is busy of course being a mom but she has also have her own thing, she is modelling again I think so it leaves Amanda, which I understand but if needed I will fly out but I want to move back to New York” I said it, my mom is going to stay quiet, I know she is “working alongside me” Jay laughed “well yes but also with my life moving fast, I want my name on it more and just not being Rihanna daughter” Jen laughed “well we can put a title on it, erm. We do need Rylee actually, Rihanna you spoke to her?” Jen said “erm, not yet. I will after this call” my mom is quiet; I hate when she is “mom?” I said “that is fine” she said, she isn’t fine with it, my dad mentioned that he hates his daughters just moving around for a man, so I know he may have kicked off with mom about it “and yeah, erm. Ok, Rylee I will deal with and Ti, Jen will sort that out and Jay will be the one you report too, ok?” my mom said “thanks” I mumbled “and don’t thank me, hold your ground when you want something, just because we are all family, make sure your voice is heard. Ti, you may have to catch a jet out, I do not want to hear if he has a game and you want to be there, you work for me got it? I don’t want to hear it, if I hear it Ti, then we going to have problems” I knew she would bite at me “ok mom” I mumbled.

I’m all work today, ticking off that meeting and now I have Rylee just after, I booked her into my schedule and the I leave for Miami to meet Chris and have a little break away “hi mom” Rylee waved “hi daughter; it’s loud there. What is happening?” She got up “men” she said, I pulled a face “how many?” She closed the door “two grown and one little, they are supposed to be leaving to go and play soccer or whatever, but they are here playing soccer in my living room, he came to pick up Aziel with Wadz” letting out an oh “you sure he’s just picking up” Rylee laughed “I’m sure, I’m not even going. Just them, I’m single as it is, no action” I chuckled “gets a little lonely doesn’t it” she sighed “sometimes, I mean he stayed over like a few days ago. Nothing happened but he made me food, I thought he was joking but he did, he cooked for us and played with Aziel, like we played a little game together with him, and then” she laughed “we watched a movie together, and then he cleaned well, I helped of course and then like it was late and I said just stay over so he stayed in the spare room, we just spoke and stuff. Nothing is happening, I think he’s just I don’t know, floating around” she stopped speaking as the door opened “oh” Oakley just walked in “I could be naked” he laughed “I’ve seen it though, my bad. Maybe I was wanting to see” does he even know I am here “my mom is on Skype” I gasped “what” he walked back out “he’s so stupid” Rylee said “I am going! We are going, sorry Robyn!” He shouted outside the door “whatever, feed him too!” She spat “he looks well, you both seem well. You sure nothing happened” she laughed “no, I mean I don’t know” shaking my head “we hugged, there was affection there. Maybe holding, ok maybe I may have snuggled into him” I laughed “well as long as you’re happy” I said shrugging “I told him my demands too” tilting my head to the side “who are you fooling? Talking about we slept in separate beds don’t lie to me girl” Rylee giggled “no we did!” Shaking my head “ok, what demands? Let’s move on” she clearly doesn’t want to tell me “I said that I don’t want to change him as a person, because to me that is who I fell for, what is it mom?” She said, she knows me “do you actually love him Rylee?” She nodded her head, she didn’t even flinch “I do, and I said that I love him as a person and I don’t want to change that, but I want love, I want him to love me and be proud of me. That he he needs to show this to me, be more attentive and I think he’s learning, he’s gradually showing himself more. He’s getting help, he’s speaking to me more. He spends time with me more than ever, I’m hard on him. Like ok her stayed over and ok we did sleep in the same room, and we may have snuggled, let me change that, I snuggled him” she laughed “he was feeling sensitive so yeah, that was it but I’m watching, and I’ve not given him anything to say I got you back but I’m open to him and I’m there for him” smiling at her “that is so sweet, I like that Rylee. I’m happy with what you said, you go at your pace, it’s your show” I’m glad she’s the one steering the situation.

“The real reason I called you, I want you to be in the Savage X campaign” Rylee’ eyes bulged out “mom” she said “not in that way, but the loungewear and sleepwear, that is all. If you can, please” Rylee sighed out “is this your way of trying to get me back into Fenty?” she asked “that is Tianna’s thing now, I really don’t care for it” I laughed “the amount of hard work I have put into Fenty Rylee I am at the point where nobody deserves it, all you girls love to do is chase men” I couldn’t help myself “well ok mom, whatever you say. Ti is useless you know that” shaking my head “she done a very good job thank you, you did let me down Rylee and you know that. You was doing this since birth and you dropped it like it’s nothing, and yet you still mess up and you still come to me, and you still tell me it’s their fault when you know good and well you have no work ethic in you, you got it all. All you kids do, all you kids have it all. Why work when mom and dad have given you this money, I am sick of bailing you out, I am helping you by having you in my project, so you thank me, I am not begging you, you either take it or don’t but not even Dior wants to know, it’s Aziel they are interested in because the mother has become so engrossed in doing nothing, I hate children like you because you have it all, not a single stress going for any of you. You right I am mad, I see that one floating to be some media content creator for a man and you, nothing just air and Imani trying, it’s only Junior really isn’t it for the kids we produced” Rylee is offended and she can “before I say anything, I will just say bye” she disconnecting the call.

It just funny how these kids run to dad like he makes a difference, like he will make my mind up about them being the way they are “Rylee is a disappointment, let’s be real Chris. She is your heart, but she is a disappointment she refuses to anything but shop her life away, and I do not agree with Tianna fucking moving with that man, she is slacking too. You know what, it is because you spoilt them” Chris groaned out “not this again, my parenting?” Chris said “I didn’t say a thing, I am just stating what I see, they are what they are now. None of them are me” shaking my head “you right Robyn they not because you made this so they didn’t have too now you mad they are spoilt” he spat “every time I came home I said to you they will be issues when they grow up, I was constantly the bad mom because I said no, these girls just refuse to work” I snapped “saying shit to them won’t help really, we tried living them in the dumps and it doesn’t work, money can only last so long” I laughed “and then dad will save them” I mumbled “Rylee is right, you’re acting like a complete bitch” he put the phone down on me, well I will see him in Miami, he can’t escape me.

[garetlomodag]

My 2022 Anti-hero

Yep, you read that right. I used Taylor Swift’s new song “Anti-hero” in the title. If you’ve listened to it already, you should know who the anti-hero is then. If not, then read on, my friend.

If you’ve known me for a while and you somehow made your way to my life a bit closer, you’re probably aware I do blogs like this and that I normally write every year end (cos why not). If it’s your first time here, then buckle up cos this one’s gonna be long and I am not sure you’re ready for a serious peek in my life. mehehe

I must say I’ve gone through some tough times in my years of existence but this year hits different. 2022 was way too fast, especially in its latter parts. It’s not that I couldn’t keep up, I was also too fast. Too fast that even if I was already aware, I couldn’t stop the engine. It was going in directions (not just one) I did not intend to be in. It was moving at a pace where I just realized I was messing it up but I was already at the tail end.

If you know me well, you know “fast” is not my thing. I always take time. I don’t rush things. I need time to process and articulate. So 2022 was really a challenge for me. It took a toll on me that I had to ring SOS to God and some of my good and wise friends.

Oh what mercy it is to be surrounded by people who truly love God and love me and will slap me in the face with truth to wake me up! (that’s why folks, go for friends who are genuinely a good counsel and aligned with your core values)

God has been personal with the people/community He’s brought to my life this year. He directed me to my new church: Pinnacle Village. I joined the P&W music team again (after N years!!) and met new people I can worship God with. I have a pastor who is very intentional and personal; plus a huddle group that prays for me all the way from the US and Pampanga!

you may check PV here:

Of course, my closest friends (all the way from Dubai and far north & south) also played a big part for me this year. From referring me to my new church to dropping truth bombs to my face every single time I would SOS-video call and do my breakdowns in my car.

I am blessed to even be given good friends at work — which was part of my prayer before transitioning jobs — who would point me back to Jesus and remind me who I am (from when they first met me); almost everyday. 🥹

It didn’t take long for me to realize how God has been nudging me to reevaluate my life and what truly matters, but it was me (the anti-hero) who stubbornly evaded restoration and correction because I was in a state of— as John Piper said it:

“If you don’t feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great.”

At some point, I felt like I was losing myself. I was conflicted. I was struggling. I had a lot of questions that even good counsel couldn’t appease.

I knew it was already escalating when my dog (Mallow) even started sleeping beside my head to make sure I continue sleeping. She knew and felt it too. 🥹

It was so bad that I had to go back to running because I kept waking up at 2am or 3am. I had to re-divert focus and just run because I couldn’t sleep anymore. I needed the endorphins from running to keep me going.

But it still wasn’t enough — especially on tough days at home — that eventually (as I mentioned in one of my conversations with a good friend from work) work has become an opium for me. Don’t get me wrong, I really work a lot (that’s part of my work-life balance). But this time I was working like crazy. I was restless. Pushed my limits. I was aware. And I was stubborn.

I did everything I could to evade the very thing I needed to do: to come back again and be vulnerable at the foot of the Cross, in the presence of Christ — the true lover of my soul. The One who can give me peace that transcends all understanding.

Vulnerability has always been my struggle. But before it was just with people. I didn’t have troubles going to God. All these years I’ve always been honest with God. In all my seasons, the brightest and darkest ones, God was always the first person I would go to for help. So I am still shocked now that I am looking back at this year.

It was like an actualization of “Strider” in LOTR. The lone wolf. And now that I think about it, my blog title, the wandering soul.

And so I ask myself, what happened? As someone who takes time to process things, you should know that I was already thinking of this blog for weeks already. I’ve already started drafting some thoughts in my head leading to today. I just decided Dec 30 will be the day I write and post.

Weeks leading to today, I was already thinking deeply of what went down this year and how come I didn’t notice it earlier. What was really going on with my mind? My heart? My soul?

But I realized my mind knows. I was aware (at some point). And the truth is also stored in my head. I know the right things to say to myself. I have the songs and the Bible verses in my head.

Then it dawned on me. It was my heart. Where faith resides. That’s where the conflict is. Though my mind knows, my heart tells me otherwise. My heart struggles to believe what the mind knows.

In my prayer and ugly cry moment this morning, I caught myself saying things like these to God:

“I KNOW You love me, I know You care for me, but will You please restore to me the joy of my salvation?”

“I KNOW You have the best plans for me, but right now, my heart questions if what You want for me is what I want for myself.”

“I KNOW You know what is best, but I am finding it hard to trust You like before.”

“Where are You in all of this?”

I even remembered this song that basically sums up what I’m feeling:

Jesus, I’m sorry ‘bout last night.

Jesus, we both know I tried.

Jesus, feels like the world’s in pieces

I’m sure You’ve got Your reasons

But I have my doubts

Jesus, I have my doubts

When everything that’s right feels wrong

And all of my belief feels gone

And the darkness in my heart is so strong

Can You reach me here in the silence?

I know that the heart is deceitful so it cannot really be fully trusted.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.”

But sometimes the emotions and feelings are too strong that I need the One who created it to reach down and touch it. To remind me again that I don’t live and operate life with just feelings and what I feel and think is right.

I really like this line from the song: “Can You reach me here in the silence?”

Cos these things I don’t and can’t really talk about with random people. In my room, my car, in silence, that’s where I unload these things.

So in my prayer, I say: “God, my mind knows, but will You please help my unbelief? Can You reach my heart here in the silence?”

What my college missionary mentor/Tatay/discipler from Campus Crusade for Christ said years back still holds true:

“The heart of the matter is the matter of the heart.”

The root of my struggles with trusting God is coming from a place of wanting to control things and taking matters into my own hands. It is losing belief that He holds my best interest.

But after weeks/months of struggle and wrestling with God (picture what Jacob did in Gen. 32; when he was acting from a place of “fear and distress”), I find comfort in two verses which I will hold dear and cling onto for 2023:

Psalms 84:11-12 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord will give grace and glory; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in You!”

I cry. No good thing will He withhold from me. So the deepest questions and longing in my heart, now replaced with comfort in knowing that whatever I have and don’t have now, are still part of His best interest for me. 🥺 I hope that I will walk uprightly and never lose trust (again).

Now I am welcoming 2023 knowing that His eyes are still set on me:

Psalms 32:8 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.”

Aaaaahhhh. I say this again from a place of rest and peace: It is well with my soul. 🥹

Thank You Jesus. 🤍

Happy New Year, friends. I am with you in prayers. 🤍🤗