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catholic-character-tournament · 1 year ago

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Round 5 - Catholic Character Tournament

Propaganda below ⬇️

Hellboy Propaganda

He is literally the beast of the apocalypse. He was forcibly assigned catholic at birth, he deserves this. Now i know the rules said no demons, and that is fair. But here is my propaganda: he is a half-demon AND he absolutely does not want to end the world. He just wants to hang out and beat up monsters and work his job. But catholic guilt and apocalypse stuff always gets in the way. The comic books contain a ridiculous amount of religious imagery, the author was raised catholic, and passages from the bible are occasionally quoted. Hellboy is also portrayed as a messianic figure in conjunction with being an apocalyptic one. He uh, kind of becomes the savior of the new world and its like a whole thing. Catholic imagery appears frequently. Statues of the virgin mary, churches, etc. he also wears a literal cross on his belt, what can i say.

Okay here’s my rant. Hi, hello, propaganda. The last ten issues of the comic literally feature Hellboy going to hell and killing satan. He kills satan, fucks around in hell for a bit, and then blows everything up and its godamn tragic. Forcibly assigned catholic at birth. A bro did not ask for this it just happened. His mom was a witch but tried to become catholic after she died. Kind of a banger move. It didn’t work out for her but she gets points for trying. He tried real hard to save the world and it kind of worked but he did still die and go to hell. But not because he did anything bad, it was just kind of unavoidable. Again, he did blow the place the fuck up when he was done so. Respect.

Lapsed Catholic who is literally a half demon and also the rightful King of England that’s right he’s descended from King Arthur on his mother’s side.

Matt

Matt's faith in the show is really important and well explored; one of the first scenes of the show is Matt going to confession (or, well, talking to his priest since he's not really confessing at that point). Matt struggles a lot with what he's supposed to do; everyone's telling him to kill the villain and he kinda wants to, but he literally says: "I know my soul is damned if I take his life". He struggles with his faith and goes with his doubts to his priest, and it's beautiful—also when he finally gets a costume for his vigilanteing he chooses to dress as the devil, lol. (His priest tells him that nothing makes people run to Church faster than the feeling of having the devil on their heels.)

a lot of the show is about how he justifies his vigilante actions with his faith, and whether he's doing the right thing in trying to help people or just using it as an outlet for his anger. the literal first scene of the show has him in a confession booth talking to his priest (who is a really interesting character too). this is not the scene I was talking about but it's such an excellent scene with matt talking to his priest: https://youtu.be/XHZ3NbEIDdw

canonically catholic but dresses like a demon to be quirky

honestly i dont wanna type too much but i feel that matt is a great example of someone who battles with his faith because he rarely loses his faith but rather fights with why he was made the way he was and put through what he was. He believes himself to have the devil inside him but believes that God put him there

ok in the comics barring the most current run matt has Mostly been a non-practicing Catholic that very rarely actually does any catholic Activities but ends up falling back into the Mindset and very occasionally dramatically taking confession (ex. in that one issue where he takes confession, basically tells the father that he is uniquely terrible and is thinking about violently murdering someone and when the father says "you can be forgiven" hes like "AUGFH-- NO!!!!!!!!!!" and runs out) when he's gone through some shit. and i love that its so relatable

This guy so catholic he spends an ungodly amount of time just chilling in the church. And goes there whenever there is a moral conundrum about killing people being Bad even though it would solve a lot of problems and stop said people from killing other people. This happens every other episode. Matt is the Catholic Guilt Guy. There's actually a lot of catholic stuff in the show as a whole. Just a compilation would be like three whole episodes long.

Hes great hes catholic enough to not outrught murder people but not catholic enough to not fuck before marriage hes a bisexual disaster at all times hes besties with a priest might i add hes great hes my special little guy

his catholicism is a huge piece of his characterisation he was raised by nuns in a catholic orphanage, the first scene we ever see him (as an adult and not a flashback) is him going to confession, he is good friend with his priest and has regular debates with him, etc also in s3 he has a huge crisis of faith after he lost A Lot where he stops believing for a while and it's linked to his identity crisis where he actually wants to kill another person (a hard line he previously chose never to cross) and wants to be only daredevil and not matt murdock, when he is both and needs both to exist also when he was a kid his grandmother used to say "watch out for the murdock boys, they've got the devil in them" and it created a surprising lot of his issues

So he's both catholic in the comics and the show but he's More Catholic in the show. Like, raised in a catholic orphanage by nuns (ONE OF WHICH IS HIS *MOTHER*), second scene in the show has him in a confession box kind. Matt Murdock goes out and gets the shit beaten out of him nightly and also beats the shit out of other people and purposefully leaned into devil iconography as his theme. When his nurse friend says, he takes a lot of punishment without one complaint he says "That part's the Catholicism." It is a Core Aspect of his character (at least in the show). He makes me insane. Also the same chemicals that blinded him created the teenage mutant ninja turtles and everyone should know that.

They went to confession to a priest who they had saved as their costumed counterpart and the guy recognized them by the voice, proving that it's possible and everyone else is just dumb

he takes "i wanna fight god" to new and incredibly violent levels, while also being a sweetheart and a goofball

Actually strictly WILL NOT kill criminals. Goes wayyy out of his way to avoid it. Fights with the Punisher about it. Goes to confession booth after nightly vigilante excursions. Feels so much guilt. "How have you been holding up?" "Like a good Caltholic boy" "that bad huh" - actual conversation with his priest

So Daredevil struggles with his mission as a crime fighter because killing criminals goes against his faith. He makes it a point to not kill criminals, believing that even bad people deserve a second chance. This philosophy puts him at odds against The Punisher, who is a relentless killer. As a Catholic myself, while I love the concept of a morally conflicted superhero, I think the worldbuilding around Daredevil is lacking. If he struggles with violence and killing, why doesn't he pray to warrior saints like Saint Michael, Saint Ignatius of Loyola (a former knight), or Saint Joan of Arc? Why isn't there a community of other Catholics he can turn to for guidance, considering New York City has a sizeable population of Catholics? And why are the churches he goes to always empty? Doesn't he know that the Catholic Church supports the just war theory? I think that would have made his burden more bearable.

He goes to church and confesses to punching people and says "imma do it again can i apologize in advance" and the father dude says "no you're meant to stop now" and Matt says "no" and they do this everyday. I'm not remembering it properly but this is a canon interaction i swear

HELLO HI YES I LOVE HIM AND WILL INFOR DUMP ok so. he is a vigalantty and he got named daredevil and he is an orphan and after the age of 12 was raised in an orphanage at a Catholic church and his therapist is his priest via confession abd. also his mother is a nun he has a whole mental breakdown over god and called Job a pussy because he liked god until he got better and liked god again he said "I'm dearedrvil and not even god can stop that now" and he's so cool

matt is a freakish little babygirl who was raised by nuns and definitely has religious trauma. i hate him so much (affectionately)

he’s literally fucking insane about it i don’t know what to say here. he thinks he’s chosen by god to go on some sort of holy quest to save hell’s kitchen. joan of arc ass.

i already know hes in by default j just wanted to give him a personal shout out i love this angsty catholic dweeb

how practicing he is depends on the run, but in my favorite he is quite literally confessing to a member of the last extant order millitant who happens to be a priest at a church in hells kitchen.

i love him for having the funniest version of a trope i usually hate (person gets into confession booth and asks forgiveness not for what they've done, but for what they're about to do). usually this trope just looks silly to me bc like. the priest would just say "i can't do that" and you would have to either awkwardly explain yourself or just Leave. it's funny when matt does it because fr. lantom is probably like "what are you gonna do???" and matt's like "lol. lmao. 😊 hehehe." anyway we love this angry catholic man who dresses up like the devil to beat people up in hell's kitchen

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I'm sure Harrow is lovely and I respect the space lesbians but listen to me. Listen.

Matt Murdock is the Catholic character of all time, and if you make him lose, I am blowing up this website and everyone in it.

He is Catholic. His mother is a nun. He grew up in a catholic orphanage. Half the episodes in the show include him going to confession. When he needs therapy, he talks to his priest. He dresses up as a devil partly because of the Catholicism.

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One time he got godly powers on loan from Heimdall (see below), and he did a lot of good with it, and then the second it was over he just... well. Also see below!

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This man's every coping mechanism is Catholicism.

Please vote for Matt in the @catholic-character-tournament because he's the best and most realistic representation of what it means to be Catholic. Someone who's been punched and bet and crushed by life but still gets up every day to try. No, he's not a nun like his competition but he's not less devoted because of that. Not everyone is called to service. In the day he works at a defense lawyer to help people. Not for the money but to help people not get screwed over by the law. And at night, he dons a mask and beats up assholes when the law fails them. Is he perfect? No, that's the point. Matt is a broken man who is just trying his best to do well and live like Jesus.

He fully embodies the Catholic doctrine of faith and good works. He has faith in what he's doing even if others challenge him. He believes in forgiveness and repenting even when going up against "the devil."

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"The people you murder deserve another chance." ... "No, Frank. To try again, Frank. To try. And if you don't get that, there's something broken in you you can't fix, and you really are a nutjob." "You think God made you a one-man firing squad. But you're wrong. There is goodness in people, even in you. And you're gonna have to kill me, 'cause I'm never gonna stop coming for you, until I take you down."

Daredevil Season 2 Episode 3

He (tries) to love his enemy. He believes in Elektra and Frank and maybe Dex and their ability to change. To be good. And when he can't, Matt refuses to compromise on his morals. While not quite "turning his cheek" he never scoops to their level. Because they don't get to destroy who he is.

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Daredevil Season 3 Episode 13

All he does is for the love he has to his neighbors, his community. He loves New York. Not for self-fulfilling needs or for the money or for the fame. He does it because he believes in justice. Because the law was created by humans and is inherently sinful.

"But his competition met God and was disappointed and blah blah"

Daredevil is more grounded (at least the show, maybe less the comics). So now, Matt doesn't met God. But he sure gets mad at him. All of season 3 he angry at God for all the trauma he expired.

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"You see, that was me, Sister. I suffered willingly. I gave my, uh... sweat and blood and skin without complaint. Because I too believed I was God's soldier. ( chuckles ) Well, not anymore. I am what I do in the dark now. I bleed only for myself. ( scoffs )" ... "You might hate God right now, but the feeling is not mutual." "No, I don't hate him. I've just seen his true face, is all."

Season 3 episode 1

As a Catholic I don't really want to fight God in a parking lot. Well I do but not in the same way that I've understood (primarily Jewish people but probably other Abrahamic religions) want to fight God in a Denny's parking lot. I want to yell and scream and cry at God and for the feeling to not be mutual. For Him to never stop loving me. As long as I have faith, He will reach out his hand.

#marvel #matt murdock #daredevil #daredevil born again #mcu #charlie cox #tumblr tournament #tumblr bracket #tumblr polls #polls #r5 #hellboy #hell boy #cct polls

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straightbaittournament · 1 year ago

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only the option with the LEAST votes will be eliminated. propaganda under the cut (and more always welcome!):

chrissie cunningham and eddie munson:

Had the CUTEST SCENE IN THE ENTIRE SHOW where they flirted and he tried to sell her drugs but then SHE GOT MURDERED and it was tragic

ava silva and michael salvius:

They have some amusingly straightbaity scenes where Michael initially appears to be interested in Ava (meeting her in a bar, asking questions about her, pursuing her to get her to do things with him and inviting her to kick ass with him) but almost all of these scenes are explicitly for plot reasons or end up displaying the closeness of Ava and Beatrice (and Beatrice’s jealousy over Ava seemingly being interested in a man) instead. Michael and Ava develop a strong close relationship that feels more sibling-esque by the end of season 2 and also Michael straight up dies at the end of season 2 as well.

nina zenik and matthias helvar:

[MAJOR SPOILER] If they were truly straight Matthias wouldn’t have died (submitter also stated that nina is revealed to be bi/pan)

oscar francois de jarjayes and andre grenadier:

Oscar was afab but her father gave her a boy's name and raised her as a boy (by 18th century standards) because sexism and he had 5 daughters and decided she was going to be a son because they were a noble family and he wanted a son to become a high ranking military official because they're rich so they can just do that. Oscar joins the army and becomes Marie-Antoinette's personal guard. Her and childhood best friend Andre are very close through out the series (he supports her throughout the many scandals that she has to deal with because she works for the royal family) and at the end of the series it is revealed that they are in love, but they are both killed in the war before they can actually get together. The dying before they can be together might fall into the buried straights category but they relationship also has really queer energy because throughout the series it becomes apparent that Oscar usually Does Not Vibe with only the gender she assigned at birth. She sometimes refers to herself as a woman, sometimes refers to herself as a man, but her attitude is usually basically 'I'm a man, I'm a woman, I'm both, I'm neither, stop asking'. So I think they should count as straightbait because we find out that Oscar is nonbinary and Andre loves her no matter what her gender is (and then they die before they can get together).

jason grace and piper mclean:

So. Hera/Juno put a bunch of fake memories in Piper’s head of a months long relationship with Jason. However plot and stuff happens and they end up dating for real. Except no they didn’t. In the next series Apollo goes to them to ask for help and finds out they’ve broken up. Then there was a death prophecy that for once was actually fulfilled (RIP Jason). Finally at the end of ToA Piper was seen kissing a girl and your choice how to interpret that. Got together because a goddess shipped them. Broke up because they realised they were gay.

abbie mills and ichabod crane:

They both start out as main characters, working together since ep. 1. Next three seasons follow the regular m/f protagonist duo pattern: they need each other's help, there's chemistry going on, there are heartwrenching scenes and dramatic sacrifices, they learn they can only truly rely on each other - so the next step is to let them be together, right? Wrong. The next step is to let lt. Mills make a final sacrifice, which on top of killing the pairing insults her as a character - suddenly from the POV protagonist she started as she's demoted to secondary character who always was just there to be the main guy's support. There are some feelings acknowledged, but no confessions or promises exchanged during the final fleeting reunion. Three-seasons-worth of build-up and then she dies.

valkyrie and thor:

Like a lot of ships with a white man and a woman of color, their chemistry and history get shunted to the side by racist writers and fans who refuse to acknowledge them as anything other than friends.

buffy summers and spike:

Buffy's a vampire slayer and Spike's a vampire. Enemies to Lovers. Absolutely not intended by creators, creators treated it like a joke at first, then some of the writers/producers actively hated it even throughout their canon relationship, they don't technically get together in the end, also he dies (kind of. he's brought back in another show. and the comics. it's complicated). Very queercoded relationship despite being m/f - desire, euphoria, shame, slowburn, keeping it a secret, doesn't think anyone else will understand or accept them, wanting to change for the better.

peggy carter and daniel sousa:

She’s the best secret agent, he’s a hot as hell disabled war vet They get together, but also don’t because apparently Steve Rogers is a homewrecker Peggy moved on after losing Steve, got together with the amazing Daniel Sousa, and then got broken up because the Russos didn’t want Steve to be seen as being gay for Bucky

entrapta and hordak:

Heavily heavily heavily hinted/slow burn

good luck everybody! now go vote!

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bokvshou · 2 months ago

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i agree. just a small correction: vivinos said she didn't want them to OVERLAP mizi but in the end she was very happy because ivantill also showed the tragedy that is alien stage. but yeah. not denying that there's a bias towards male characters and mlm ships in fandoms bc it's true, but i think a lot of fans are completely ignoring all the other reasons people might be more invested on ivantill:

1) the thing is, we see more information and scenes about ivantill in the MVs than we do about mizisua. we see ivan at the end of Round 2, Round 3 is exclusively dedicated to ivan's unrequited love, they create expectation of their round in Top 3 and All-in, and Round 6 is their duet. even without looking at the official arts the MVs scenes help us build a timeline and a more concrete idea of how they were together (we have their first meeting as babies, the scene where ivan falls in love with till, childhood scenes, the failed escape under the stars, the karaoke scene, and finally their round together). their version of My Clematis even offers us a little more of their dynamic. it gives us time to get to know them and take an interest in them.

mizisua on the other hand ends very quickly for most people to be seriously invested; sua dies in the first round, and even if her character definitely continues to haunt the narrative, she's not as present as i would like, yes it's important that mizi hallucinates her (like in Round 5) but there are not many clues that can tell us how they lived their life before Round 1 because their scenes are more symbolic than anything. we know they were in love, we know it was reciprocal and they spent all their time together, but what else? did any major events ever happen between them? i wish we could see more of that.

2) they are different types of tragedy, people are always fascinated with dramatic stories, but they don't offer the same thing. ivantill is tragic because it was a mess of misunderstandings, an unrequited love (and that generates more pity in people bc it's easier to relate to that) and it feels more unattainable because as much as we like to pretend otherwise, it's never been established if till is interested in men at all, not really, so that adds one more layer to it.

mizisua feels stable, perhaps too stable for some. they were a reciprocal love since the moment they met and there's no remarkable event in their life that we know of (something like ivantill's meteor shower scene) until the moment sua dies. and of course, those of us who are up to date with comics and official arts know sua was tormented by what would happen and felt she was harming mizi with her love, but that's not common knowledge (and that's a problem in itself but i'll comment on it later). you don't see that in the MVs and you can't blame the general public for that.

3) i think the lack of mizisua songs is a big mistake. Alien Stage is a musical project at the end of the day, and neither of them really has a chance to sing much. sua dies in the first three minutes, Sweet Dream is basically just the opening of Alien Stage, and mizi left the tournament too quickly to be allowed to sing, because in Ruler Of My Heart she only serves as a background voice, which even if it makes sense story-wise, it's still a shame (and listen, if they want to sell her as the protagonist, it's a crime for me not to let her sing that much. no wonder there are people who believe till is the protagonist).

4) going back to a previous observation, i think the fact that more than half of the content is hidden in official arts, merchandise, and patreon sometimes does more harm than anything. i know there's only so much information you can cram into 3-minute music videos, but a lot of the content isn't easily accessible to audiences, and unfortunately mizisua suffers a lot from this (and individual characters like luka and ivan, too). i understand the reasons why the patreon exists and why vivimeng don't let fans show off certain merchandise, but it's still sad that there's a percentage of fans who have to miss a lot of details.

i definitely think that if ivantill and mizisua had their roles reversed, ivantill wouldn't be as popular as it is now. they would still be relevant because it would still be an interesting story and being men will always serve in their favor, but it would not be the same in any way.

i don't know if it's true but i read somewhere that said that vivinos didn't want it to be an ivantill kiss because it would overshadow mizisua (which happened) and this person said it's because they're men (which is mostly true) but i also think that mizisua love is tragic but more tender? and ivantill is more of a despairing kind of love. i love mizisua and i find them really interesting and maybe it's just me but the whole ivantill dynamic feels so tragic in a different way. mizisua is tragic sure but their love feels more pure and when i think about ivantill it's just makes me feel kind of heartbroken, like no matter what could have changed they were bound to end up like that. like truly doomed by the narrative. i fr think if mizisua and ivantill changed stories the interest people have on ivantill would not be this massive. or maybe not, since they're still. men (and that still plays a part) but i sure as hell would be more invested in mizisua (but i also feel like applies to me because im kind of a pessimistic type of person)

#alien stage #mizisua #ivantill

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elgaberino-mcoc · 3 years ago

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NEWLY LISTED: STARBRAND

Starbrand has been added to the MCOC Wishlist.

Background

The Star Brand is a mysterious mark that imbues immense cosmic power to the marked.

The brand first appeared in Marvel’s New Universe, which was intended to be a separate world entirely, introduced as a departure from Marvel’s existing fare. Empowerment by the Star Brand was ultimately a rather tragic thing for Kenneth Connell and his various time-displaced identities, who left some power in the hands of a janitor while they self-exiled to explore solutions. They eventually neutralized their own threat to existence, by virtue of the Brand, by locking themselves in a time-loop, but neglected a fragment of Star Brand power left behind with a pilot named Jim.

With the commercial failure of the New Universe books, its characters and concepts were eventually folded into the Marvel multiverse and Earth-616, in the 1980s primarily associated with Quasar and his girlfriend Kayla Ballantine.

During the Amalgam event in conjunction with DC Comics, the Star Brand was associated with a version of another pilot: Green Lantern (Hal Jordan).

During Marvel NOW! event, a young college student, Kevin Conroy, acquired the Star Brand and caused great destruction with his uncontrolled power. He did join the Avengers but his story is a mixed one.

Most recently, the Avengers and Heroes Reborn story have introduced “baby Star Brand,” a baby named Brandy left with the Star Brand when her mother, who previously bore the Brand, died in childbirth. This is a salute to the birth of the Star Child in the original run, whose mother also died in childbirth.

Why Listed Now?

Everyone who made it to round 5 of the recent Tournament will be listed.

The various characters who have been Starbrand, major or minor, number more than 180 appearances listed on Fandom’s Marvel database. The main two Starbrand heroes, Kenneth and Kevin, combine for more than 95 comics appearances. There are many character mantles currently listed who have far fewer appearances and far less importance to the current run of Avengers and related titles.

Voting

A vote for the Starbrand listing on the MCOC Wishlist counts as a vote for any of Kenneth Connell, Kevin Conroy, Vnn, Brandy, or any carrier of the Star Brand, for that matter.

Last seen around rank 125

#Starbrand #New Universe #mcoc class cosmic #cosmic artifact #adolescent #Brandy #Quasar #Kayla Ballantine #the Star Brand #Starbrand Kenneth Connell #Starbrand Kevin Conroy #MacGuffin #TournamentOfBattlerealmFuture #Avengers #additions

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whitewolfofwinterfell · 3 years ago

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Harry Potter re-read: thoughts and ranking my favourite books

In 2020 I completed a full re-read of Harry Potter for the first time since I was a child. It was a rollercoaster experience of highs and lows; excitement, nostalgia, frustration, joy, boredom and everything in between. It took the whole year (in between reading other books) and I hit a wall in the sumer, but I’m glad I persevered and made it to the end. This series will always hold a special place in my heart and as much as I love the movies, there’s so much detail that is missed from them. I didn’t realise just how much my memories of the HP universe had been shaped by the movies until I read the books. I feel like I’ve reconnected with the universe and characters in an authentic way and lots of my opinions have changed as a result.

Before we get to the ranking, some disclaimers:

If it wasn’t already obvious SPOILERS BELOW FOR THE HARRY POTTER SERIES (at this point I’d be surprised if there’s anybody that needs this warning, but better safe than sorry!).

This ranking is completely subjective and very changable. I love all of the books and I’ve based the ranking solely on my enjoyment of reading them.

In writing this post I am in no way supporting or endorsing J.K. Rowling’s works. Her ignorance and hatred is intolerable and abhorrent. I discuss this more in the conclusion of this post.

None of the images or gifs featured were made by me, all credit goes to the creators.

7. The Goblet of Fire

One of my favourite movies, but my least favourite book. This one hasn’t aged well for me. It’s too long, there’s much too filler and it has the disadvantage of coming after The Prisoner of Azkaban. I like the idea of the Triwizard Tournament in theory, but the execution is dull. We spend chapters upon chapters upon chapters with Harry and Hermione researching and preparing for the tasks and the tasks themselves are very anti-climatic. It’s also difficult to ignore the fact that the second and third tasks take part underwater and in a maze, and the audience can’t even see what’s going on. Apparently there’s no spell that can allow the audience to see underwater or inside a maze, not even those Muggle inventions called cameras *face palm*

The sub-plot with S.P.E.W was equally dull and didn’t add much to the story. I also found it deeply uncomfortable and upsetting to read about the enslavement of elves and the way that slavery was portrayed in general. The one positive I took from it was seeing Dobby with his crazy jumpers and socks. Dobby is The Best.

(credit to xbirdyblue on DeviantArt for this wonderful fanart image of Dobby)

The reactions to Harry’s name coming out of the Goblet of Fire is what infuriated me most in this book because it doesn’t even make sense. Firstly, does anybody really believe Harry’s capable of overcoming such powerful magic to put his name in? Secondly, why the fudging hell would Harry want to put his name in the Goblet? He’s a 14 year old child who has endured endless trauma; he’s spent most of his life living in an abusive household and the 3 years he’d been at Hogwarts fighting against Voldemort. He doesn’t want fame or glory, he just wants to live a normal, peaceful life and hang out with his best friends. Ron’s reaction is particularly annoying because he of all people should know Harry wouldn’t put his name in the Goblet. I understand why Ron felt that way and I love him but...

The one thing I did enjoy about this book is the evolution of Harry’s friendships with Ron and Hermione. Hermione is fiercely loyal to Harry and devoted every waking second to helping him succeed in the tasks. Despite Ron’s silly tantrum and their divide through most of the book, their falling out really does cement Harry’s love for Ron.

"He thought he could have coped with the rest of the school's behaviour if he could just have Ron back as his friend."

Harry liked Hermione very much, but she just wasn't the same as Ron. There was much less laughter and a lot more hanging round in the library."

"The thing Harry Potter will miss the most, sir!"

"Harry didn't care, he wouldn't have cared if Karkaroff had given him zero; Ron's indignation on his behalf was worth a hundred points to him."

What can I say? Ron is Harry’s platonic soul mate. That is all.

Barty Crouch’s escape from Azkaban and transformation into Moody is more cunning and intelligent than it was in the movies - this dude switched places with his mother and left her in Azkaban in his place!!

Fred and George were by far the highlight of this book for me. Their characters are great in the movies, but in the books they’re just--

Their antics, wit and banter are top notch. I’d actually forgotten that Harry gave his prize winnings from the Tournament to Fred and George, and it seems like such a huge injustice!! This act of kindness and selflessness on Harry’s part is largely why Fred and George are able to set up Wizard Wheezes. It’s a testament to Harry’s love for Fred and George that he gave them his winnings. Harry may not have needed the money but he could’ve done literally anything with it, and chose to give it to the twins because he believed in their ideas and wanted to give them the opportunity they needed.

GOF was always one of my favourite movies because of this moment:

Voldemort’s return was one of the most chilling, terrifying and shocking moments for me as a kid. The scene in the graveyard still stands out as being one of my favourite scenes from the movies. In the books, it didn’t have the same impact, unfortunately. In fact, this is what was noticeable to me all the way through reading this book - I like the movie more. The movie cuts out the filler, takes the interesting aspects of the book and does them better.

Overall, despite being at the bottom of my list, I still like GOF. It’s a huge step up in world-building and is an entertaining book with a great premise; I loved the Golden Trio’s friendship, the appearances from Dobby and Fred and George’s antics. Unfortunately, this book is let down by the sheer amount of filler, the underwhelming execution of the main plot and too much focus on sub-plots like S.P.E.W.

6. The Sorcerer’s Philosopher’s Stone

It was really difficult to rank Phliosopher’s Stone, because it holds a special place in my heart because it’s where the series began. This book does a great job at introducing Hogwarts and it captures those nostalgic, magical Hogwarts vibes unlike any of the other books. This book is all about the wonder and the joy of Hogwarts, and Hogwarts lives in my heart, so stepping into this magical world with Harry for the first time again was a joy to read.

I love the time spent in this book on experiencing the smaller wonders of the magical world with Harry - Platform 9 3/4, Hogwarts Express, Diagon Alley, Ollivanders, the Sorting Hat, Great Hall feasts, ghosts etc. It’s exciting and fun to read about, and truly a gem of a book for children.

Seeing Harry go from living in a cupboard and suffering abuse and neglect to an incredible world full of wonder and people who want to get to know him and show him kindness was a joy to read. I love the development of Harry, Ron and Hermione’s friendship and how, despite how short the book is, it’s developed properly. Their friendship with Hermione doesn’t happen overnight, but by the end there’s a genuine bond and trust between them.

But of course, as the first book in the series, the plot is lacking and the writing isn’t at its strongest. Also, despite how short it is I did feel a little bored reading the second half. It’s a great entry to the series and does a wonderful job at establishing the world, main trio and other characters, but in the grander scheme of the series it’s quite bland a forgettable.

5. The Deathly Hallows

Now this one came as a big surprise to me, because before my re-read I considered The Deathly Hallows to be my favourite book, but I just didn’t enjoy it this time around. The first 50-60% of this book got me like:

I was bored as hell. The travelling, the hunting for Horcruxes, Dumbledore’s backstory, the bickering between Harry, Ron and Hermione...it was tiresome. Fortunately, amongst that there were a lot of isolated things that I enjoyed.

Firstly, I adore the Tale of the Three Brothers, it’s interesting and I love the depiction of it in the movies - it’s just so cool!

Secondly, Ron and Hermione are very cute in this book, and for the first time I appreciated them as a romantic ship.

Thirdly, Harry looking through Sirius’ room and finding a letter from Lily broke my heart. This moment is so touching and completely unexpected, since I’d forgotten about it over the years.

(credit to alessiatrunifo for this stunning fanart)

Fourthly, LUNA LOVEGOOD. You know what? I have no qualms in saying Luna is one of my new favourite characters since my re-read. I always liked her, but she never stood out to me, and that’s changed. It’s not just that she’s unique and wacky, but that she’s fiercely independent, moral, kind and loyal. Luna has such a strong sense of who she is and she doesn’t let anyone or anything contradict that.

Can I also admit that I might slightly ship Harry and Luna now? 🙊 Luna seeing through Harry’s disguise as “Barney Weasley” based on his facial expressions alone and their reactions to the possibility of the other being in danger touched my heart.

"'She will [survive],' said Harry. He could not bear to contemplate the alternative. 'She's tough Luna, much tougher than you'd think. She's probably teaching all the inmates about Wrackspurts and Nargles.'"

"Oh, no, I didn't want you to be caught!"

They’re cute, okay?

Finally, Kreacher! This was perhaps one of the biggest surprises from reading this book, because I’d completely forgotten about Kreacher’s story. And boy, oh, boy did this pull on my heartstrings. Kreacher has one of the most tragic backstories in the HP universe and he absolutely deserves the redemption he got in this book. I loved seeing him develop a genine relationship with Harry, Ron and Hermione, and the fact that they never went back for him made me so sad. Poor Kreacher!

I enjoyed all of these elements of the first half of the book, and then I got to The Sacking of Severus Snape and it was like:

This is where the book finally took off for me (unfortunately, it took 30 chapters to get there) and as soon as Harry, Ron and Hermione are back in Hogwarts I couldn’t put it down. There are so many brilliant moments and things I loved that all I can really do is bullet point them:

The character reunions.

Percy finally redeeming himself!!!!

McGonnagal being the most badass to ever badass.

Neville Longbottom owns my heart ❤❤❤

Neville's grandmother's response to finding out Neville was fighting in the battle - "Naturally [he is]. Excuse me, I must go and assist him."

Ron and Hermione's first kiss!! and Harry’s reaction to it - "Is this the moment? OI! There's a war going on here!"

Percy handing in his resignation whilst Stupefy-ing his boss - "Hello, Minister! Did I mention I'm resigning?"

The Forest Again was such an emotional chapter. It got me good.

"You'll stay with me?" "Until the very end." 😭

"Harry, you wonderful boy. You brave, brave man."

"Perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those, who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well."

Did I mention that Neville is bloomin' amazing?

Kreacher!!!!!! "Fight! Fight! Fight for my master, defender of the house-elves! Fight the Dark Lord in the name of brave Regalus! Fight!"

Reading The Flaw in the Plan was soooo much more satisfying than watching it play out on-screen in the movie.

In many ways DH has some of the best, most satisfying moments of any of the books. It’s a strong conclusion to the series and there’s so much that I loved about it; so many memorable and emotional moments (Dobby and Fred’s deaths still hit hard 20 years later). Unfortunately, it was dragged down by the first half of the book and the epilogue. I tried so hard to keep an open mind about the epilogue, but the truth is it still BLOWS. And the more time that passes the more I resent the decisions that were made about character deaths. I understand that the stakes were high and we needed to lose characters close to our hearts but Fred?? Dobby??? Remus??? NO! Just no, okay? I don’t accept that.

4. The Order of the Phoenix

Now, The Order of the Phoenix had similar issues as DH for me - it had a very slow start but a great ending. I did take a couple of months break in the middle of reading this one and distinctly remember slogging my way through the first half and devouring the second half.

I’ve made no secret over the years that Sirius and Remus are two of favourite HP characters, so I expected to enjoy OOTP a lot for that reason. I did really enjoy all the smatterings of Sirius and Remus we go throughout this book. Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough for me. This book really highlighted for me how limited Harry’s POV was, because I wanted more of an insight into the Order but Harry was kept in the dark the entire time which was frustrating.

One of the main character highlights of this book is the legend Minverva McGonnagal. Her sass, strength and determination to defend Hogwarts and its students against Dolores is astounding. Here are some of my favourite McGonnagal moments:

"Well, usually when a person shakes their head they mean 'no.'"

"Can I offer you a cough drop, Dolores?"

"I should have made my meaning plainer. [Harry] has achieved high marks in all Defence Against the Dark Arts tests set by a compotent teacher."

Defending Hagrid against Umbridge.

And of course:

(Still can’t believe the movie robbed us of this!)

Time for a less popular opinion - I loved Harry in this book. In general, this book made me feel very protective of Harry, because Harry is bloomin’ incredible and deserves so much better than what he gets in this book. He’s always had a bad rep in OOTP for being an annoying, angsty teenager, but in my opinion, this is Harry at his most relatable and lovable. After everything Harry went through, he’s entitled to be angry with the world. He endured everything that he did and took the responsibility of the world onto his shoulders with little complaint, and in OOTP he reaches breaking point. Honestly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. The adults in Harry’s life are glaringly irresponsible in this book. Not only do they force him back to the Dursley’s after the hugely traumatic events of GOF based on some bull about “blood magic”, but they purposefully hide the truth from him even though that puts him at greater risk and adds to his emotional distress. Everyone around Harry expects him to be mature and act like an adult when he’s fighting against the darkest wizard of all time, yet don’t give him the courtesy or respect of telling him the truth about significant things that impact him and the people he loves. Sirius os the only person that refuses to belittle Harry, but in some ways, his behaviour is just as damaging as those that tried to shelter Harry from the truth, because he expects too much of Harry and projects James’ personality onto him. The adults around Harry fail him to such an extent in this book that he establishes the DA because he can’t even rely on the adults around him to keep him and his friends safe. Harry’s emotions in this book aren’t only understandable, but justified and I felt an even deeper connection to him as a result. His vulnerability shows his strength and courage more than ever before. This is the point where he goes from the Chosen One to a true champion, because even when he reaches rock bottom and wants to give up, he doesn’t walk away. I love Harry so much.

The Department of Mysteries is by far one of my favourite sections from any of the books. I love the friendship dynamics, Luna, Neville and Ginny are given the chance to really shine, the stakes are high, the action is great and despite the trauma of Sirius’ death, that moment is so hard-hitting and memorable. This section of the book just took it to a new level for me. It was really great.

The emotion of Sirius’ death was captured so perfectly, and is such a huge turning point for Harry. Like I said above, choosing to go on even after losing Sirius proves that Harry is a true hero; that he isn’t just doing what he was doing out of obligation or has been told to but because he believes in doing the right thing. I best move on before I continue to speak about how amazing Harry James Potter is.

Now we come to Neville. Can you believe that I’d actually forgot the details of Neville being the Chosen One? It was a blast learning about that again and how he’s connected to the prophecy. I also loved that we got to see his family and not just be told about it via dialogue. Neville is by far one of the most loveable and interesting minor characters in the series. He has so many great moments in books 1-4, but he really shines in OOTP.

The more I write about this book, the more I find things to love. It’s just a shame that the first half lets it down, because overall, I think there’s a lot of great material here in terms of plot and character development.

3. The Chamber of Secrets

I know that The Chamber of Secrets is generally ranked low amongst most fans, but I love it. At this point, the books were more simplistic and just fun, and I like that. I also have to acknowledge that I have a deep affinity for the COS movie - I grew up watching it over and over, and of all the movies it’s still the one I know best and always come back to (still can’t believe the “Why couldn’t it be follow the butterflies line?” wasn’t even in the books!)

I love all of the different elements in this book:

Dobby

The Burrow

The flying car

Whomping Willow

Moaning Myrtle

This idiot

Gilderoy Lockhart is one of my favourite antagonists in the entire series, because he isn’t intentionally bad, he’s just an arrogant fool. His primary concern is his image and reputation and he was willing to go to any lengths to maintain it. He’s a bad person in a subtle and hilarious way.

Generally speaking, there are too many fun and entertaining moments to count in this book. I love the childish-ness of this book in comparison to the darker tone the series adopts from POA onwards. For me, COS still has the silliness and merriment that I really associate HP with. Entertainment value aside, the plot in COS is actually well executed.

As a short, concise and effective plot, Tom Riddle’s diary and the Chamber of Secrets works incredibly well. I liked the mystery and suspense of the culprit of the Muggle born attacks, and the big moments connected to it - finding out that Hagrid might be the perpetrator, Ginny being possessed by Voldemort, Hermione being petrified, Harry speaking Parceltongue. The stakes are high and this plot is strong enough to keep momentum going between the more light hearted moments.

Overall, COS is a quick, easy and fun read. It may not be the best written or complex book in the series, but I’m a huge advocate for it. Not only is it highly entertaining, but it also introduced a lot of great and important aspects to the series (Horcruxes, Tom Riddle being the heir of Slytherin, Harry being connected to Voldemort, polyjuice potion and Dobby), and built very well on what was established in PS.

2. The Half Blood Prince

The biggest surprise of this re-read was how much I bloomin’ loved Half Blood Prince. It has the perfect balance of plot, character development, mystery, humour and emotion. Out of the bigger books in the series, this was the one I finished the fastest (2 days), because it was quite literally un-put-downable (yes, that’s a word).

First, let’s talk about the plot, because wow, it’s a good ‘un. In my opinion, it’s the strongest and best written plot from any of the books. There’s Voldemort’s backstory, the development of Harry and Dumbledore’s relationship, Snape’s backstory, the mystery of the Half Blood Prince, Harry’s rivalry/suspicion of Malfoy, hunting Horcruxes and Dumbledore’s death. This book feels like an incredible pay-off for things that have been built up in the previous 5 books. We learn so much about certain characters - Dumbledore, Snape, Malfoy, Voldemort, Ginny - and regardless of whether I liked those characters or not, I was invested. The clues that Snape is the Half Blood Prince are cleverly interwoven within the narrative and the mystery keeps you guessing, even when you know who it is.

The last part of this book from Chapter 26 onwards was just explosive. Although I knew what was coming, I was surprised at the level of emotion I felt when Dumbledore and Harry were in the cave and when Dumbledore died. My heart was racing and I had tears in my eyes.

This book just doesn’t let up for a second. If we aren’t learning more about Voldemort, we’re following Draco to see what he’s up to or unravelling mysteries around the Half Blood Prince or trying to get information from Slughorn about horcruxes. Even the down time is enjoyable to read in this book (Chapter 9 was one of my favourite chapters to read) and the friendships and banter are stellar.

In terms of character development, this is also one of the strongest books. Dumbledore is finally developed beyond the omnipotent Gandalf-esque archetype and we learn bout his past and his flaws.

"I have already proven to you, I make mistakes like the next man. In fact, being - forgive me - rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger."

The focus on Dumbledore also sets it up for his death, and you know what? It works. If we’d lost Dumbledore prior to HBP, I would’ve been shocked and upset, but losing him at this point hurts that much more because we learn so much more about him, see how important he is to Harry and how vital his guidance is in defeating Voldemort. Dumbledore’s death feels like all hope is lost, and so soon after losing Sirius it feels even harsher.

Insight into Snape’s back-story finally explains some of his motivations and actions (though it does not condone them).

Although Voldemort’s backstory doesn’t necessarily add to our understanding of him, it’s interesting to see how he came into the world, and learn about his family background. What this demonstrated most to me is that a lot of the time there is no reason for evil. Voldemort didn’t really have any motivations for what he did. Sure, he didn’t have the perfect, happy childhood but there isn’t really enough substance there to try to explain how or why he became the monster that he did.

More could’ve been done with Malfoy, but I enjoyed him having a bigger presence in this book and how the idea that family shapes who we are isn’t always true. Draco does what is expected of him from his family, but ultimately, he has his own conscience and inner turmoil that forces him to question things.

As for Harry...he goes to a dark place in this book. OOTP has always been cpnsidered as the “angsty Harry”, but HBP takes Harry to new places. Harry feels more ruthless, reckless and determined in this book than any other. There’s an underlying sense of apathy that lingers from Sirius’ death. He obsesses about his mission to extract the memory from Slughorn and his lessons with Dumbledore, and fixates on his hatred for Draco and Snape. The fact that Harry uses Sectumsempra on Draco is honestly the most alarming thing that Harry does because it shows how dark a place Harry has gone to. He knows the spell is going to inflict serious harm and yet he uses it anyway.

Generally, Harry abuses the potions book and manipulates, lies and takes advantage of almost everyone around him. I really see his dependency on that book and his choice to exploit it for his own benefit as adverse effects of the grief and trauma he endured. For once, he has the upper hand and I’d even argue that despite the Half Blood Prince being anonymous stranger to him, he relies on him as a mentor or parental figure. Yet despite it being a dark book for Harry, he also seems to get some genuine peace with Ginny. Although I’m not a Hinny shipper, it was so nice to see Harry experience some normality and contentment. No matter what he goes through, he remains kind hearted. I actually feel like this book more than any other emphasises that point - Harry could just as easily have gone down the same path as Vodlemort, but he made a choice not to.

“In spite of all the temptation you have endured, all the suffering, you remain pure of heart, just as pure as you were at the age of eleven, when you stared into a mirror that reflected your hears desire and it showed you the only way to thwart Lord Voldement, and not immortality or riches. Harry, have you any idea how few wizards could have seen what you saw in the mirror?"

Plot and character development aside, the comedy in this book is gold and I appreciate the movie (and Daniel Radcliffe) for maximising on that to create some of the best and funniest scenes in the movie franchise. Chapter 18 in particular was hilarious.

Now I have to speak about one of my favourite moments from this book:

Since GoF, Fleur was grossly mistreated and discriminated against by the Weasley’s (Molly and Ginny in particular). The way they treated her was sexist and xenophobic pure and simple. They had no reason to dislike her and all of their reasons seemed to be built on some flimsy notion that she was full of herself (why, just because she was beautiful? and even if she was, what’s wrong with confidence?!) and that she was annoying and loud because she was French. Seeing Fleur finally stand up to their bigotry was fantastic. It’s a moment I’d been waiting for for so long and I’m so glad we got it, because frankly, Molly and Ginny’s beahviour towards Fleur needed to be addressed because it was disgusting.

Overall, HBP demonstrates the strengths of HP as a series. In comparison to the other books, I don’t really have anything to crituqe I enjoyed all of it from beginning to end, which is why it almost took the top spot in this ranking.

1. The Prisoner of Azkaban

It was really close between first and second place, but Prisoner of Azkaban just managed it. This is where the HP series truly takes off and starts to shine. In comparison to what we got in PS and COS it’s richer - the plot is complex, the world building is more developed, the characters are great and it’s generally an entertaining read but with added complexity in comparison to its predecessors.

I like that POA allows us to spend so much time in Hogwarts hanging out, but that the plot comes to the forefront more. We’re all so familiar with HP at this point that it’s easy to forget the impact the plot-twists must’ve punched the first time we read them. But for me, it’d been so long since I’d read the series, that it really was like reading them for the first time and POA was one of the ones that surprised me at various points.

I’d forgot details like:

The Shrieking Shack got its name and reputation because Lupin locked himself up there during transformations; The Whomping Willow was planted to hide the secret passage to the Shrieking Shack and prevent Lupin from escaping and hurting people in his werewolf form

Crookshanks was Sirius’ ally

Sirius escaped Azkaban in his dog form

Unsurprisingly, Remus and Sirius were the highlight of this book for me. I know it’s basic but I really love them and the two of them having such a focus in this book really makes it.

Remus truly shines in this book. He’s a lovable character – a great teacher, a supportive mentor and a loyal friend. His tragic backstory only adds to his character. Snape tries to villainise Remus for being a werewolf, but the reality is that he’s a victim. He was an innocent child that was bitten by a vicious, cruel monster and has to live with the consequences of that for the rest of his life. He carries so much self-loathing, fear and insecurity because of what he is and he doesn’t deserve it. Dumbledore is the only one that separates the man from the wolf and takes Remus on his merits. He knows that Remus is a genuinely good person and a talented teacher, and he’s willing to make the necessary adjustments to enable Remus equal opportunity. Not only does it benefit Remus for Dumbledore to do this, but the students too, because let’s face it, Remus is a bloody damn good teacher.

Remus is arguably the most decent and responsible adult character in the entire HP universe. He respects Harry’s agency but also acknowledges that he’s still a child that needs protection and guidance. Instead of lying to Harry or throwing him into dangerous situations, he does perhaps the most helpful thing any adult ever does for Harry – he teaches him how to defend himself. I love that Lupin and Harry’s relationship in this book foreshadows the formation of the DA in OOTP; Lupin is the only one that teaches Harry practical DATDA skills and in the absence of Lupin as a teacher, Harry then takes on that role as a mentor and provides his friends with the skills to defend themselves.

Now we come to Sirius. Introducing Sirius as the enemy – a dangerously, mad criminal who is conspiring with Voldemort and wants Harry dead – and then revealing him to be the complete opposite was genius. Part of me wished I could completely forget so that I could experience the utter shock of finding that out for the first time. The fact that Harry saw his parents in the Mirror of Erised in PS and then finds Sirius and Lupin in this book touches my heart. Sirius is a direct link to Harry’s parents unlike anything he’s ever had. Although on the surface, their bond develops too quickly, considering that Harry is 13 years old and all he wants more than anything is to have parents and/or a connection to his parents, his quick attachment to Sirius makes sense. The thought of living with Sirius makes Harry so happy that he used it to power his patronus!!! Likewise, Sirius clings to Harry knowing that he’s the son of his best friends. He spent the entirety of his time in Azkaban knowing Harry was still out there somewhere without James and Lily and in danger from Voldemort. Immediately, Sirius provides Harry with the type of comfort about his parents that he’s never received before.

“You think the dead we have loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble? Your father is alive in you, Harry, and shows himself most plainly when you have need of him. How else could you produce that particular Patronus? Prongs rode again last night.”

One of the highlights of this book is the scene where Snape catches Harry with the Marauders Map. That quote is just legendary.

"Mr Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a Professor. Mr Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball."

Admittedly, the time travel in this book is problematic as hell. I’m grateful that Harry and Hermione were able to save Buckbeak and Sirius due to time travel, but if it was up to me, I’d remove time travel from the universe completely. It doesn’t fit, it’s too complicated and creates too many issues. McGonnagal condones the use of time travel for Hermione to attend extra lessons and yet won’t use it to tackle real, important problems, like I don’t know, war, death, disease, disasters etc. Not to mention the entire Voldemort problem and Harry becoming the Chosen One could’ve been resolved by going back to the night of James and Lily’s deaths.

One of my favourite elements of this book was seeing Ron and Hermione’s friendship with Hagrid. A lot of emphasis is placed on Harry’s friendship with Hagrid. but this book shows how devoted Ron and Hermione are to Hagrid. They both spend a lot of their time comforting him and helping him to prepare for Buckbeak’s trial.

This book has a great balance – it’s still on the shorter side but it doesn’t suffer for it. and here’s plenty of plot and character development. Ironically, whilst HBP is my favourite because of the emphasis on the main plot, POA is my favourite because it takes a break from Voldemort. It’s refreshing to take a step away from Voldemort and put the focus onto a new villain in Sirius, and then for the twist to be revealed that he’s not actually a villain but Harry’s godfather. The time-turner is the biggest draw-back in this book, but I can overlook that because there’s so much more to love in this book. It’s definitely the most re-readable book in terms of the length and plot. This book is a happy medium which incorporates the strengths from all of the other books in a smaller package than HBP - it’s fun but expands on the universe, introduces brilliant new characters and has a depth and complexity that the first two lack whilst not having the filler that books 4-7 have.

Conclusion

It’s hard to read these books without it being mingled with childhood nostalgia, so that undoubtedly informed my ranking. Despite being a children's series, the books still hold up reading them as an adult. I enjoyed rediscovering the smaller details I’d forgotten over the years and feel much closer to the universe as a result. The characters and their dynamics are by far my favourite thing about HP. I also enjoy the whimsical magic and how this is offset against the darker tone later in the series. However, in light of JKR’s hateful rhetoric, my attention was drawn to the problematic elements of the books such as the portrayal of slavery in addition to:

Lack of major/well-written characters of color

Anti-semitic caricature of goblin bankers

Cho Chang’s name (which many consider offensive), stereotypical placement in Ravenclaw (the smart house) while being the only East-Asian character in the books, and she functions almost exclusively as a love interest

Ableism all-around

Nagini, an evil snake who gets chopped in half, is actually an Asian woman according to Fantastic Beasts, making her the second of two named East Asian characters in the franchise

“Magic in North America,” a history of magic in North America published on Pottermore that grossly misappropriates and misconstrues Native American cultures

Anthony Goldstein, retconned token Jewish character, also stereotypically named

General stereotypical naming of non-Anglo-Saxon characters

Remus Lupin’s werewolf status as an AIDS metaphor while depicting his condition as making him monstrous, and the man who bit him goes around biting people for kicks

Declaring that Dumbledore is gay with exactly 0 in-canon references, and no other LGBTQ+ representation (article credit: Separating Art from Artist - Thoughts on J.K. Rowling written by Melina List on Medium)

This is the last time I will read these books, partly because I’ve outgrown them, but mostly because I can’t, without a heavy conscience ignore the relationship between JKR’s hateful views and her works. If you want to learn more about this, I’d recommend checking out a post from my_weird_bookish_heart on Instagram which explains why we couldn’t and shouldn’t ignore the problems in these books by adopting a “art is separate from the artist” mentality (if you would like the link to this please message me and I’l be happy to share it. We can all still love and enjoy HP, but we all have a moral duty to acknowledge and take responsibility for this and not feign ignorance. Views like JKR’s directly harm individuals and groups, not just in the trans community but also the Jewish and LGBTQIA+ communities and people of colour. I can’t and won’t accept that in silence. No matter how special HP was to me as a child, the lives of real humans are unquestionably more important.

Thank you for reading.

#hp #harry potter #hp books #harry potter books #hp review #hp book review #hp meta #mine #my meta #reposting from my sideblog cos i spent legit HOURS writing this and adding gifs and don't wanna lose it when i delete the blog

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flockoff · 1 year ago

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THERE IS 2 HOURS AND 48 MINUTES LEFT TO VOTE FOR VERGIL IN ROUND 5 FOR THE MOST TRAGIC CHARACTER TOURNAMENT!

#There is more to this image but I realize that there is not a lot of time left shdoufhs #Devil may Cry #Dmc Trish #devil may cry Trish #most tragic tournament #most tragic round 5 #dmc vergil #If I have time I am going to do so many edits on this image to get what I need to done aaaa #I have Lady in the wings I just need to do writing aaaaa

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most-tragic-character-tournament · 1 year ago

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PROPAGANDA UNDER THE CUT: [SPOILERS AND POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AHEAD]

SHEN JIU//ORIGINAL SHEN QINGQIU:

VERGIL:

#Shen Jiu #original shen qingqiu #Vergil #vergil devil may cry #the scum villains self saving system #devil may cry #most tragic tournament #polls #most tragic round 5

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octinary · 4 years ago

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2020 in Review

I got tagged by two very wonderful people (@round--robin and @tumbleweedtech - thanks for thinking of me!) to try this “5 favourite works you created in 2020″ thing, so here it goes!

1. Him (E, 33k, CW: graphic depictions of violence, depression, self-harm, suicide attempt)

Summary: In his time as a witcher, Geralt has killed just about everything that can be killed: monsters, beasts, constructs, men, even the undead can die again if you know the trick to it. Wraiths, he knows, are the lingering troubled spirits of people who died tragically, violently, unjustly and unavenged. Their unfair fate spawns in them a jealousy and hatred of everything living that quickly drives them mad and makes them dangerous and deadly, driven to torment those responsible for their plight. Usually he feels no more than a twinge of pity as he sends them off again with silver and fire, but then again usually they aren’t haunting him. Usually they aren’t Jaskier. Geralt learns that Jaskier never made it off the mountain after the dragon hunt and, if that’s what it takes to appease the monster that now wears his face, neither will Geralt.

This is it. The big one. This is the one I am most proud of and also the most popular thing I’ve written this year by hits, by comments and by bookmarks. I have definitely received the most lovely feedback regarding it, some of which had me almost tearing up. It is also hands-down the story I felt most compelled to tell and that was most important to me that I told it well. It’s also one of those things that reading it probably tells you way more about me than I am actually comfortable with... It also has inspired two pieces of really amazing fanart by @pinkaxolotl85 and @gerrito! Check them out here and here!

2. Something Eternal (E, 6,666 words, CW: graphic depictions of violence, major character death)

Summary: Kaer Morhen has always been haunted. Before Salamandra plundered the paltry survivors of the earlier pogrom for forgotten reagents, before the pogrom, when the mob fanatically massacred the Wolf witchers out of blind hate, even before the witchers themselves strapped their children down to administer the mutagens that killed 7 out of every 10 so tortured, the bones of the long dead sea and the whisper of long stilled waves painted every corridor of the keep with their memories. It’s always been a place for dead things. It’s where, at the end of his long full life, Jaskier of Oxenfurt goes to die. It’s where the monster he brought with him is going to kill everyone he loves.

Hilariously, we go from my most popular fic to my least popular fic, but it’s still one I am very proud of. It was written for the The Witcher Halloween Flash Fic Challenge (so in 48 hours from conception to finished product), but I think it turned out pretty good. I would like to think that it is the tags, not the writing, that have been keeping people away. It was also my first time writing horror (unless you could Him as horror, I guess), and I am unreasonably amused by finishing it at 6,666 words.

3. Save a Horse (E, 6.5k, CW: porn, pony play)

Summary: It was Eskel’s idea. It had to be really. The number of people who could seriously suggest to the two of them that Lambert pretend to be Geralt’s mount in a sexually submissive way, and then actually have that suggestion acted on, was exactly one. Lambert would have decked anyone else out of hand before even considering it, but Eskel? Eskel, who knew them both so well, who shared his own kinks with them playfully when they all fell into bed together, who seemed to want nothing more than for them all to enjoy each other? He at least owed it to Eskel to listen.

My first (and so far only) try at writing smut and I dove right into the deep end! I am pretty proud of the characterizations in this one, even if it is porn. Spoiler alert: it is about 2k of build-up and the smut is probably what a lot of people would consider pretty tame and just chock full of feelings. My excuse for it is that the real kink was trust and understanding all along. I had a few readers tell me that pony play isn’t really their thing and they still enjoyed it, so I think it worked out in the end.

4. Present Tense (T, 5.3k, CW: canon typical violence, unhealthy coping mechanisms, canon character death)

Summary: After avenging Aiden’s death, Lambert was not particularly concerned with ensuring his own survival. Luckily for everyone who still cared about the prickly bastard, his survival no longer seemed to be up to him.

Another fic from The Witcher Flash Fic Challenge! Seriously, that challenge got me out of a number of writing funks this year and was very much a godsend. I don’t know why in particular I like this one so much; it might just be some of the wordplay or imagery, but I think it sticks out as some of my better writing.

5. In Which Markus (Professional Highwayman) Gets Stabbed (T, 4.4k, CW: none that I can think of - it is very silly fluff)

Summary: Markus has a simple three step plan: 1. Watch the tournament at the Passiflora to see who wins the pot. 2. Get that person drunk. 3. Steal everything they have. He is also about to have three problems: 1. Geralt 2. Yennefer 3. Jaskier

It was honestly a toss up between this and Lingua Franca (my first attempt at Witcher fanfic) as the last entry, but I think overall this one is a neater and more polished piece of writing. It is 90% banter with a sweet ending. It’s probably the funniest thing I’ve done and it was just so much fun to write and seemed to descend fully formed from the heavens merely using me as a conduit. I think the whole thing took me maybe two hours to write, if that. It was also my first foray into actually interacting with other people in the fandom, since it was inspired by another work (In which Artur (Apprentice Thief) quits his job by Volts) and I had to be brave and actually talk to another human being to make sure they were okay with me riffing off of their idea.

I tag @sternenstaub28 and @major-trouble! What are you proud of making this year? If you want to share, of course. No pressure!

#the witcher #fanfic #tag game #year in review

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jq37 · 5 years ago

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The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 6 Chaos in the Cathedral

Candians v. The World

As sure as the sun rises and sets every day, a D&D session that starts with the DM telling everyone he loves them is a D&D session that’s going to end in tragedy.

We begin with the stakes as dire as they’ve ever been. The PCs are in the Cathedral with 7 Tartguard and none of their other allies. Amethar has just been excommunicated from the church for adultery, stripped of his title, and ordered seized as--technically speaking--Candia is now at war with the rest of the Concord. They are surrounded on all sides, outnumbered, and there’s no easy way out.

And Jet decides to charge the Pontifex.

She grabs her water dagger (8d6 to Candians, 4d6 to everyone else, plus the poison cocktail Amethar suffered and only 1 Use--clearing up Keradin’s statement about there being 3 daggers) and says, “I’d rather be a bastard than a fool who believes in a bulb.” If she wants war, the Rocks family will bring it. She provokes an opportunity attack from Bonathan (the french fries fighter) but Theo blocks it and joins in on the heresy with a, “Fuck the Bulb!” The Pontifex screams as she takes 28 damage--though she burns a legendary resistance (which she apparently has) to avoid the poison effects.

War dog Amethar immediately starts looking for exits. He hears the guards on the other side lock the big, main door and he sees that there are these big, glass windows, but they are reinforced with crossbars that need to be broken for anyone except maaaaaybe the kids to squeeze through. He yells for the Tartguard to hold off the Imperial soldiers before running up to Jet and begging for her to cooperate for once in her life. “Please, do not die for me.” He physically picks her up and--on a Nat 20--throws her right up to a ledge where one of the big windows are. Once she’s up there, she sees that there are priest-archers in hiding, waiting to snipe them.

(Emily/Jet: You don’t have to worry about me.)

(Ally/Liam: We’re fucked. We’re absolutely fucked.)

The archers go, getting a shot at all three kids, including Nat 20 on Jet for an arrow in the back.

Liam (after considering an entirely different course of action that gets ret-conned away) Hunters Mark’s Bonathan and crossbows him. As he does, a familiar figure rounds the corner--Keradin, unshackled and bearing his mace.

“Witch. Is that the spell you cast on me?”

He goes to town, dealing a full 31 points of damage, bringing Liam down to 6. Theo also takes a beating this round, getting 27 points of damage from Plumbeline.

Lapin at first tries to goad Basha into joining the fight against the church by prodding at his pride but only a Nat 20 would entice him to take that bait and Zac doesn’t hit it. He did however hit a Nat 20 last week to find out more info about the Bulb and Brennan gives him the first piece of info now: The magic of the Bulb isn’t different from the magic of the Sugarplum Fairy. Power is power. A warlock is a cleric is a warlock. It’s a difference of semantics. With the rest of his turn, he casts Fly on Theo so he can get the kids up to the window and he stands in front of Liam to protect him (tossing him 2d6 of healing).

“I misjudged you,” says Theo.

“Oh, shut up,” says Lapin.

Ruby, twinning as always, decides to also attack the Pontifex, doing 28 damage with her grasping arrow (which also forces the Pontifex to stay in place or take damage).

On his turn, Theo (who is under strict orders from Amethar to save his kids) gets both Liam and Ruby up to the window--and still has the time to flip off the whole church and say, “Long live the Sweetening Path.”

The Chaos Continues

The knights attack Amethar. Amethar attacks the Pontifex. Grissini, filled with grim determination, attacks the Tartguard (5 go down). Jet chucks a crossbow priest off the ledge.

Amethar grapples the Pontifex and declares, “I have your leader. Will you not defend her?” But on a 9 Intimidation check, everyone can hear the panic in his voice. Fine. Reckless attack: 14 damage. Onionpatch, weedy though he is, is able to break the grapple on his turn.

Liam tries to break the bars on the window--which Brennan has stressed several times is a very high DC to hit (Liam would need a Nat 20) and needs to take at least 20 damage at a time for it to stick at all--but doesn’t do it.

Keradin rains down blows on Lapin, the pretender, and Lapin goes down (the Fly spell on Theo going down at the same time). As he goes down, he has the second revelation about the Bulb gleaned from his Nat 20 from last session: the Bulb exists and it is powerful but it is mindless. It’s a pure source of power with no agenda or wants or desires. They’re worshiping a battery or a nuclear reactor. He rolls a death save. Failure.

Ruby gets out her rope, gives one end to Theo, then uses Mage Hand (which is invisible but, in reflection, can be seen as her Aunt Lazuli’s hand) to send the other half down to Amethar before casting Fog Cloud to make him harder to hit.

Theo tries to drag Amethar up with the rope, but Amethar hasn’t had the chance to grab it yet so it just slips his grasp. He tries to break the bars on the window but fails. He wants to Compel Duel with Keradin to take the heat off Lapin, but he’s out of range.

The Pontifex heals herself, undoing many turns of effort. Amethar takes 9 points of damage from various knights. The remaining Tartguard go down. A Ceresian soldier tries to hit the prone Lapin but rolls a 1 and a 2, missing him entirely (somehow).

Jet--who, as you might have guessed, has been very “Not Without my Father” all battle despite Amethar’s orders--attacks one of the priests and then uses her Maneuvering Attack ability to let Amethar move half his movement without provoking Opportunity Attacks--an ability that works despite the lack of line of sight caused by Ruby’s protective Fog Cloud.

Amethar climbs the rope and gets to work on the window--hitting both times but only doing damage on the second. He does 22 points of damage but the bars have 30 HP so it’s gonna take another hit. The priest fighting Jet tries to disengage but her Sentinel ability activates and she slices him through, dead.

Liam sends Preston down to help Lapin with his death saves and then unsuccessfully tries to break the bars. Keradin immediately starts wailing on Preston and does 28 points of damage, dropping him.

Lapin has his second death save. Failure.

Ruby tries to attack the bars but fails. She tries unshackle Manta Ray Jack (who was chained and tortured to get Amethar’s secret last episode) and fails even harder on double Nat 1s.

Brennan throws the gang a bone and says that the bars will now break on a 19 or 20 since Amethar weakened them and, what do you know, on his very next attempt, Theo rolls a 19. BAM, he rushes the window and immediately falls out. Jet grabs Liam and jumps out, taking most of the falling damage herself. Amethar throws Ruby out the window, looks back at Lapin’s body, then jumps out himself. Theo catches him, negating the damage that would have dropped him.

Lapin’s Big Day (Part 3)

Lapin is left alone in the church, Preston’s body still beside him, the Pontifex and Keradin above him, consciousness slipping away. He has one last death save and, on a 20, he’ll pop back up to 1 HP and get a turn. It’s absolutely his only chance. He rolls.

13, for the rabbit whose luck has run out.

He does an Insight check on the Pontifex and, on a 14, he gets the sense that she doesn’t know the true nature of the Bulb and she doesn’t care. She just cares about power.

“Heretic, apostate, warlock of the Sugarplum Fairy. You mock all that which is bright and shining. Do you have any last words?”

And, legend to the end, Lapin says, “The Bulb cares for no one.”

The Pontifex tells Keradin to end it but, before he does, Lapin hears a voice in his ear.

“They wouldn’t have survived this without you. My final wish is for you to come home.”

And Keradin dashes Lapin across the stone of the cathedral.

In Memoriam

I knew last week that I would be writing a eulogy for a piece of candy today, but I had my money on the wrong piece of candy (or pieces of candy rather).

Lapin had the most to lose in this fight, and the easiest out. He was still, at least on paper, aligned with the church. He could have just hung back and let the others escape while he did nothing or sent an Eldritch Blast flying that purposefully missed its mark. There was a path out of this for Lapin in simply doing less.

But he didn’t. He had exactly one proper turn all fight and he used that turn to turn the tide of the entire encounter. If he doesn’t step up to protect Liam, Liam absolutely drops. If he doesn’t cast Fly on Theo, Ruby and Jet are screwed. If Ruby and Jet can’t get that Fog Cloud/Maneuvering Attack double team, Amethar is screwed. He saved everyone. He’s *always* saved everyone. That is the entire story of Lapin in this game. The grumpy but loyal bastard whose last words to the party are, “Oh shut up,” when he’s told he’s been misjudged.

Lapin’s game was cut tragically short but, man, did he cram so many epic moments into the time he was given. From single-handedly keeping Ruby and Amethar up during the Ambush to his skillful manipulation of damn near everyone he came into contact with at the Tournament and then his heroic sacrifice in this ep, and getting to meet death with defiance for his enemy and praise from his patron.

Many mid-campaign deaths are unceremonial and just kinda random, like in real life, but Lapin’s death really did have a poetry and a sense of closure to it. He was told he needed to protect the Rocks family. He was told boldness would be required. He said if anyone found out about him he would die. Check, check, and check. And death even came for him on the third fight--I absolutely live and die by the rule of three and, apparently, so does Lapin.

To die in the stronghold of the church he infiltrated, secret out, more knowledge about the inner machinations of the religion than possibly even the Pontifex herself, secure in the thought that with his death, he bought his charges enough time to make a run for it is, I think, a lot more closure than a lot of characters get. That’s a full arc.

Plus, he got one more sick one-liner for the road.

And, let’s not forget, our baby boy Peppermint Preston who fell taking blows meant for Lapin, sent down by Liam who earlier that week was convinced that Lapin hated him. It seems like a waste, but that’s only because it’s how the dice shook out. How badass would it have been if he’d drawn the attacks and Keradin had whiffed them or if Preston had dropped, but Lapin had rolled a Nat 20, popped back up, scooped him, and left--healing him on the way out? It could have been great.

But it wasn’t. It was just brutal.

So, RIP to our boys. May they be doing shots with the Sugarplum Fairy in Candy Heaven.

Things I’m Concerned About

The Candians were pretty screwed no matter what they did in this episode, but man they truly decided to burn all their bridges with all the F the church talk, blatant magic, and attacking the Pontifex. They are fully terrorists at this point.

None of their people (besides the Tartguard) were in the church when this happened. What happens to them? Do they have time to alert them? Are they all just dead?

I wish Jet hadn’t used that knife on the Pontifex. Like, it’s the least of their worries but not only was it a waste, it makes it seem like the attack on Amethar was a false flag which would also make the attack on the road seem like even MORE of a false flag. That was tactically Not Good.

Because of the way the information was tortured out of Manta Ray Jack (sidenote--are they, like, gonna kill him?), it seems like the Candians might still have allies in the Dairy Islands (as in, they know the Candians were railroaded and didn’t attack first) but this is such a crappy position to put someone in and the Dairy Islands are already weak. Plus, there’s at least one known bad actor there. Who knows who can be trusted at this point?

Where do they even go from here? The rest of the map is at war with them. If they can make it home, war will follow them there too. What is the victory condition here? Dismantling the entire church? If so, yikes.

And, speaking of, the church was really wilding out just having Keradin come out to fight the PCs. Does this mean he’s off the hook? Alfredi too? It seems like they very well might be now that their actions can be retroactively “justified”. Still curious about whether they were working under the church’s direct orders or doing their own shady thing that happened to align with the church’s goals.

THEY HAVE NO HEALER. Like, unless Zac’s next character is also a healer, the party is now in the most precarious position they’ve ever been in with no healer. Hands down, the worst person who could have gone down, party comp-speaking.

Five More Things

There’s a rule in law school called the laugh test and it says that, before you make an argument, say it out loud and see if you can get through it without laughing. And there’s a part in this episode where Siobhan is proposing some BS but I don’t even know what it was because she just fully breaks herself and can’t get through it, and that’s the best illustration of that rule I’ve ever seen in practice. And, while we’re here, the other two A+ Siobhan moments this episode were her face at her double Nat 1s, and, to Lou for reminding Brennan that attacks on him get advantage, “You’re a good man. I’m gonna miss you so much.”

Man, how painful is it that Lapin got to see into the Matrix and figure out the Bulb and then he had the knowledge immediately die with him? Absolutely brutal.

The tension at the table this episode. The ominous music that felt bad until it would cut out completely, which was infinitely worse. The burying of heads into hands and leaning on each other for support. This episode was a LOT. I can’t IMAGINE having been at that table. And I had a week to make my peace with the idea that someone was most likely gonna die. To have to deal with this right on the heels of last ep? Geez.

Hearing on Adventuring Party how Zac planned to have Lapin give a bad guy speech and Thunderstep out with Liam if Initiative had shook out differently really makes it hit home how D&D is really about those in the moment things you can’t control. This could have been a very different encounter but was Jet supposed to NOT try and stab the Pontifex? Of course not, she HAD to. She’s JET. And she got to set the tone of the fight because she rolled highest.

Can you imagine if Amethar had jumped out the window, taken that damage, and just dropped? And failed his death saves? And they had no healer?

Just as a final note, I have to give major props to the whole cast for this episode. We’ve known that this was the “actions have consequences” season since it was announced, but this is really the first time we’ve really gotten to see the extent of the consequences and everyone handled it very well--the PCs staying true to character, even it wasn’t optimal, but still playing smart, and Brennan for facilitating such emotionally difficult scenes. This is peak D&D y’all.

#dimension 20 #dimension 20 spoilers #a crown of candy #a crown of candy spoilers #the royal report

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companion-showdown · 4 months ago

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Who is the best TARDIS team?

TOURNAMENT MASTERPOST

propaganda under the cut

9, Jack, Rose

THE polycule ever. truly. gave nuwho the most iconic opening ever and also they're insanely tragic. the doctor straight out of the timewar, rose 'bad wolf' tyler, jack on the run from the time agency... they're all so in love . their comics r all really good too

#top team: round 5

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djemsostylist · 4 years ago

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An Arthurian Film Adventure, Part 3: Lancelot

Today, we are tackling Lancelot. Arguably the most famous knight of the Round Table (besides Gawain), the story of Lancelot and King Arthur and Queen Guinevere is a timeless one. Forbidden love, broken friendships, civil war, downfall of a kingdom. Plus, he’s great with a lance. Throw in a child who achieves the Grail Quest, and you’ve got yourself a pretty great story, and a pretty easy character too, right?

Nope, wrong again. Firstly, because he doesn’t even exist in one of them, and secondly because he fucking sucks in the other ones.

I should point out, before I begin, that there are several versions of Lancelot which exist. Depending on whether you go with de Troyes, Malory, Vulgate, or Post Vulgate, you get some different characters. Universally he is kind and brave and selfless, devoted to Arthur but also damned by a love for Guinevere. He also can be prideful, angry, a touch selfish, and ultimately fails at achieving the Grail Quest. Anyway, onto the ratings!

1. Knights of the Round Table

This Lancelot is, by far, the best Lancelot. Here, Lancelot follows the post Vulgate version (he is just a wandering knight who wants to join the Round Table, rather than having grown up with the Lady of the Lake). He is sort of the ultimate knight--kind, brave, selfless, great with a lance or sword. He and Arthur get along immediately, forming a fast friendship built on mutual respect, understanding, and trust. Lancelot is brave and selfless and kind, but he is also an individual with his own wants, needs and desires. He can be prideful and arrogant, but he is fiercely loyal.

Here, Lancelot is close friends not only with Arthur and Guinevere, but also Gawain, Gareth and Percival, the latter of whom he takes under his wing. He and Arthur quarrel and reconcile, he goes knight erranting (is this a verb?) and lives in the castle Joyous Guard. He also marries Elaine, whom he loves in his own way, and fathers Galahad. Here, his love for Guinevere is acknowledged and central, though never consummated, but it is his connection with Arthur and the other knights of the Round Table which sustain his story.

The downfall here is tragic, both because though he and Guinevere love each other, they have not actually committed treason, and because his estrangement from Arthur leads to an actual splintering of the Round Table. Also, he has a horse named Beric that he loves a lot, his relationship with Elaine is honestly really sweet and sad, and he also wears beautiful surcoats and has a huge red feather on his helm.

Attractiveness: Honestly number 1 easily. He has some slightly weird facial hair, and he’s not big enough, but he’s hot. (Fun fact, Robert Taylor also played Ivanhoe in the single best Ivanhoe of all time, so).

2. Camelot

So, this Lancelot is pretty good. My main problem here is that this Lancelot is more Galahad than Lancelot, in that he is super pure almost the point of ridiculousness. Like, he is so pure his purity actually brings a man back from the dead, which could be the whole “healing of Sir Urry thing” but is mostly just strange. Here, we get a post-Vulgate Lancelot backstory (he is supposed to be French is this version but he is played by the most Italian Italian I have ever seen and it’s great). He and Arthur meet and are super close almost right away (“did we just become best friends?!”) but surprisingly and refreshingly, Guinevere is actually deeply annoyed by him when they first meet. (She has been going a-maying and Arthur shows up and she just wants to fuck him but he just wants her to meet his new best friend, and she is like, wow ur friend is deeply lame, come have sex with me instead pls.) She eventually falls in love with him when he cures a dead man from death, and then what follows is a tragic love story of friends who are sort of stuck in this terrible situation and just trying to make the best of it.

The downfall here is that Lancelot has literally no other friends at court, so while his betrayal is tragic for him and Arthur and Guinevere (like in the 1953 version, he and Guinevere never actually commit treason), it doesn’t really affect any other friendships or relationships. He also doesn’t ever get married or have a baby here, and his purity can be grating, though the earnestness offsets it well enough.

Attractiveness: Number 2 tbh, but mostly because he is so damn earnest it’s endearing. Also he wears beautiful armor.

3. King Arthur

So, this Lancelot is from Sarmatia, which is both weird and never really explained. Also, he is neither Arthur’s best knight or actually even a knight at all. He doesn’t have a relationship with Guinevere other than throwing what I assume are supposed to be longing looks in her direction (tbf Arthur didn’t have a relationship with Guinevere in this movie either beyond aborted heavy petting). He also doesn’t bring about the downfall of Arthur’s kingdom, mostly because Arthur doesn’t have a kingdom. He also doesn’t have a son who goes on the quest for the Holy Grail, but that is mostly because this Arthur isn’t Christian and neither are his knights. Also, he fights with two swords and there are no lances in sight, which is a weird thing for Lancelot, since riding around and knocking people off horses is like, literally his favorite thing in the world.

Attractiveness: Number 3, mostly because I know they tried to make him hot here with the mop of curly hair and etc, but he will also be Mr. Fantastic to me, and Mr. Fantastic was honestly the worst.

4. First Knight

The thing is, Richard Gere should be last, except that Excalibur Lancelot was literally the dumbest person alive ever, so I guess that means since Richard Gere wasn’t literally just living in the forest stabbing himself with his own sword, he sucks less. (Look, I said this was a rough journey.) This Lancelot is just terrible honestly. Firstly, he’s not a knight, he’s just some dude who rides around hitting people with his sword. He meets Arthur when he helps rescue Guinevere who is on her way to marry her dad’s old friend bc he is old and sad and lonely. His introduction to Arthur comes during a tournament. And by tournament, I mean an extremely 90s, wacky, American Gladiator style wooden obstacle course thing that involves swinging knife things, swinging wood things, and just...it’s bad.

He doesn’t want to be a knight, mostly because he thinks Arthur’s knights are boring squares (he is not wrong, but I hate him so-). He agrees only after he saves Guinevere from Melegraunce, which involves more wacky obstacle courses and swinging bridges. Also, he and Guinevere here give Arthur the horns, and also both suck. He doesn’t learn anything, he is genuinely terrible, and also he is played by Richard Gere.

Attractiveness: I’m gonna say last, mostly because his whole 90sness just irritated me and also because he was very moist through this whole movie and also I hated him a lot.

5. Excalibur

Look, this Lancelot was like, literally actually stupid. He showed up, tried to beat up Arthur and failed, then went to live in the woods. No like, he literally lived in the woods. He would tell Arthur he was leaving Camelot to go adventuring or whatever, ride six feet out into the forest, strip naked, and sleep in the roots of a tree. Also, he for some reason not only slept completely naked, but he also didn’t keep his sword in his scabbard so one night he rolled over and stabbed himself clear through the side. Also, he and Guinevere had sex is his tree thing, and I saw way too much of his side ass. I was honestly rooting for Gawain to kill him, and I didn’t even like this Gawain bc he was genuinely awful.

Attractiveness: I mean, better than Richard Gere. But, and I know I have said this before, I cannot express how ugly this movie was.

6. Legend of the Sword

This one was easy to rank, because he did not exist. This was an origin story, and Lancelot isn’t really a part of Arthur’s origin story so I guess we can give them a pass, except that I love Lancelot so this was a tragedy to me. On the positive side, his lack of existence means that he can’t be worse than Richard Gere, so I guess I should rank this nonexistent Lancelot in like, 3rd place.

Part 2: The Arthurs

#an arthurian film adventure #arthurian legend #arthuriana #lancelot du lac #lancelot

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