#most the games I play these days are small studios or indy developers

[roguemonsterfucker]

Capitalism hell

[lowpolynpixelated]

The Great Divide

What is an Indie game? Is it the literal definition? A game developed and distributed by an independent developer and/or publisher. Is it a connotation of style? Pixel or simplistic graphics, cozy vibes, outlandish mechanics. Is it a representational title? Small development teams, smaller experiences, cheaper games. It is, in a way, all and none of these things. During what I would call the “true bloom” of the Video Game Landscape in the late 90s and early 2000s, such a term was seldom common nomenclature. No in those days it was “enthusiast titles” or “hobbyist” releases. Nothing like the Indie-Directs we see now. So what happened? And why does there seem to be such a clear divide in people’s minds between what’s Indie and what’s Triple A, and why can’t they explain it very well?

Part One: Where did it start?

To say that it started in the early 2000s would be incorrect. Ever since video games began being made people have taken it upon themselves to let their creativity flow through their digital catalyst of choice. The interactive medium was, and still is, unlike anything that came before. Video games are far more than “movies you can play in” they’re art pieces. Statements. An entirely unique way to engage with and experience a work of art, music, writing, and digital wizardry all packaged onto something that fits in the palm of your hand. Video games are magic. And so its no wonder that people wanted to make them. Look at such a famous game like DOOM. Ids smash hit originally had its first level freely distributed via mail-in receipts or at electronic stores, and was sold by Id itself before it took off to a nationwide scale. Developed and distributed by just a few people in an office. Sure there’s always more logistics to it than that, but doesn’t that fit a few of the definitions already? The 80s and 90s were truly the “Wild West” of video games. Because of the market’s fresh growth and upwards trend it took very little to get your game onto a console. Just look at all the titles on the original NES/Famicom systems. Before the advent of the term “Shovelware” it was quite common for such experiences to flood a library. Though this fell out of fashion more in the 90s during the SNES/Genesis era of things in favour of more well tuned and marketable competitive experiences. Such varied scales of polish and concept were doubly so if you look at the Computer Game community from the time. Developing your own games was a passtime. A trick to learn on new fangled devices. So what happened after? During the 3D revolutionary period in the 5th generation of consoles there were more standards. Sure, there were still some more shallow experiences around, but if you wanted to be known in the mainstream world video games you needed to be on a console. And so this is where I think began the true form of what most modern standards would call an “Indie game”.

My favourite examples of such titles include games like “Katamari Damacy” and “Okami”. Both games were developed by either a much smaller studio or in Katamari’s case, just a few select people. They were indeed published by established names, Namco and Capcom respectively, but they have much more in common with the Indie titles of today in that regard as well. In this era it was quite common to find games made by smaller studios, or even sometimes smaller teams within larger studios, given a run on the most popular hardware because the idea was fun. Or for perhaps a more clinical point of view, the idea could be sold. So I ask again, what happened? If you could find such games on consoles for six entire generations of video game consoles, why is there now this “Great Divide” between the Indie and the Triple A? Let’s go back to PC gaming during this time for a bit more information.

In 2003 something very important to this conundrum happened. This event would forever change the way digital distribution of video games would happen, and eventually, in my opinion, lead to where we are now. In 2003 Valve Software launched Steam as a software client meant to manage and deliver updates to their catalog of games. In 2005, only 2 years after its launch and the same year as the launch of the 7th generation of games consoles, they began using the client as a digital storefront to sell and distribute 3rd party software. Before Steam digital distribution of games was spread quite thin due to its relatively new nature. The early 2000s saw internet speeds both fast and stable enough to properly facilitate said distribution, and Valve were hardly the only ones to try and jump on the train as it began to speed up. Storefronts like Stardock stand as earlier examples of attempts to sell games over the web. Steam would be the one to not only take off, but to stick the landing as well.

In the year before Steam’s foray into offering 3rd party software, the 6th generation of consoles had an early adopter of this online storefront model. In 2004 the Xbox Live Arcade as launched on the original XBOX. This allowed owners of the console to purchase additional titles directly to their console, granted they had Xbox Live and the hard drive space to spare. These two factors, Xbox Live Arcade and Steam, would become the catalyst for the explosion of digital purchasing as well as ground zero for when The Great Divide would begin to form. When Xbox Live Arcade was in its prime it was offering games more frequently and successfully than any other console at the time. The Wii’s Wii Shop did a decent job keeping up and was a delightful experience in purchasing old Nintendo Software, and the PlayStation Store was no slouch either. Xbox, however, had an edge. As a part of many of their events such as “Summer of Xbox Live” it would offer alongside many well known console titles, smaller titles made by small and often independent developers. Games such as Castle Crashers, Super Meat Boy, The Binding of Isaac, Splosion man, and many others joined the ranks as “Xbox 360 experiences”. Meanwhile on the other side of the coin, Steam was offering these independently made games as a part of its online marketplace. But of course, as we discussed, it was common to find these in the PC space.

So why was Xbox a big deal? Because suddenly, offering these “Indie” games for smaller price tags was wildly successful. It had precedent, certainly. In it’s infancy the Xbox Live Arcade offered games at smaller price tags, anywhere from 4.99-9.99. It wasn’t just a way for smaller games to get recognition on consoles. On the other side of the coin, it was a marketing tactic. “Indies” were hot ticket items all of a sudden. Bolstering your library with indie games meant that the Xbox was the place to go for smaller developers who wanted a life on console, it meant that Xbox was supporting the wider gaming community, it meant that Xbox had video games at bargain prices. I’m sure the executives had dollar signs in their eyes the whole time, and perhaps that is a bit of a cynical way to view it, but it worked out that way. The ramifications of this tactic would continue on and its consequences felt for years to come. Some good, some bad, all very frustrating to categorize.

Part Two: The divide widens

After the massive uptick in the marketing of “indie games” via the pushing of the label in the late 2000s and early 2010s, the gap between what people considered “Triple A” and what was considered “Indie” only got wider. Indie games were small, quaint, not to be judged on the same rubric as those big budget releases that sold consoles. Criticism towards these titles was usually relegated to things like length and price. People were more forgiving to games made by two person teams on aspects like music, gameplay, and graphics. But if you dared to think that your game was worth 30$? Now you’re pushing it. Criticism levied at independently made video games grew more and more harsh in these realms. Why is your 6 hour game 25$? Why does a game with graphics like this cost more than 5$? Pixel art is easier and cheaper, right? This type of criticism was the bread and butter of judging the value of an indie title. If you packed in all the polish and fun of a “triple A” release and sold it for 15$, you were perfect. If it was your first title that you worked on for 5 years straight and DARED to think it was worth 20$, or even 30$, you weren’t experienced enough to ask for that. Every rough edge, every bug, every glitch was now ammunition to say how your game was a “flawed masterpiece that just costs too much” or “A surprisingly fun hidden gem held back by a few things”. The softer “fun little game” approach wore off quickly, and what was left in its place was criticism and judgment just as vicious as those reserved for big name releases.

This was also the time in which some of the more glaring flaws of the “triple A” sphere began to rear their heads higher into the light. The mid 2010s saw the data size of big name releases double or sometimes triple in size demanding more and more storage space for consoles. Some of the time the responsibility was put on the owners of the consoles, with external hard drives being common for the ps4 and Xbox One even more so than they were with the PS3 and Xbox360. A big reason for this was that larger games were steadily getting worse quality wise. Rushed development cycles, overbearing crunch time for developers, and corner cutting development practices encouraged by executives were making AAA games into buggy messes that didn’t go down in price and needed day one patches. Criticism did keep up with these factors, but not in a very popular light. Voices in the gaming landscape who had been advocating for people to pay more attention and demand better from larger companies with resources to do better (a prime example is Stephanie Sterling, who is a longtime video game journalist and extremely vocal about the myriad issues plaguing the industry), and were often ignored in favour of hype and “just wanting to enjoy things”.

All of this amounted to a market with a clear divide. Indie games were small and shouldn’t be judged as the bigger stuff is, but the bigger stuff is also getting worse and deserves more criticism. Indie games were their own genre by this point. Anything that could be called cheaper or less impressive than a standard console release was an indie game. Anything that could be called WORSE than a standard console game was compared to an indie game. They became both a standard that triple A games should outdo, and an insult to be hurled when the game didn’t. The passion, skill, and artistry of hundreds upon hundreds of developers and artists became nothing more than what the Nintendo Switch was using to boast “hundreds of new games every day!”, with most of said games being shovelware and phone apps being hocked onto the console at inflated prices. Still, with how games had come to be categorized, Hollow Knight and Calculator App 412 are worth the same.

Part Three: What does it mean?

So what relation does this have to indie games? Well, the issue with the way criticism was being levied against big name releases was that the criticism effecting independent releases stayed the same. The late 2010s and early 2020s saw some of the worst triple A launches in gaming history, but when a game made by a few people sold for 15$ does all the supposed highest level of the industry can and sometimes more it’s only “surprisingly polished for an indie game”. I ask you, reader, what are we comparing these games to? When most so called “triple A” releases are half finished, rushed to release, or just barely functional, how are games that meet their own goals or even surpass them still a surprise? My argument here is that the terms “triple A” and “indie” no longer apply as much as they used to. In more recent years (I’m writing this in 2024) a middle step has been gaining traction among popular gaming news and review sites, the AA game. “Double A” games, as they’re being called, are supposedly indie games with much higher levels of polish, but not enough to reach the supposed heights of “triple A” games. A more apt description of how the term is being used though, is a way to justify big name releases, floods of half-baked remakes/remasters, and substandard work being pushed by the heads of the industry. Saying a modern big name release is “about as polished as a double A game”, is less inflammatory than saying “it only plays like an indie game” but is no less insulting.

What even IS a double A game? A previous example, Hollow Knight, has often had this new classification applied to it due to its level of polish and apparent higher value than other independently made games. All this label has done is create yet another step for independent games to never achieve unless they get popular enough. There is no inherent value to a video game. The circumstances of its development and skill of its developers do not make it worth more or less than another. So without labels like indie, double A, and triple A, what do we call video games? The answer lies in the question, Video Games. This isn’t to say you can’t judge the quality of a video game. That quality, however, will vary wildly from person to person. Call of Duty Modern Warfare is a classic masterpiece to some, and a boring military shooter to others. The same can be applied to all “classic masterpieces”, and all modern works as well. Horizon Zero Dawn and Hollow Knight exist on different levels of developer and artist intent. They exist in different genres, in different dimensions of art, in different modes of gameplay, but they’re both video games available for the PlayStation 4 and will have their fans and detractors just the same. Hollow Knight was priced as its creators thought they could value it, but price is not quality. Quality in art cannot be discerned as fact. Art does not exist in such cut and dry terms and circumstances. What is inspiring to one might be mundane to another.

There ARE inherent things on which to judge a video game. To exist within the art medium certain factors MUST be up to snuff with what the developer wants the game to be. Core mechanics and gameplay, graphics reading well for what they represent, audio functioning correctly within the expectations set by the game. A game must be playable to be enjoyed, after all. But this is a baseline. You can’t call a calculator app a video game. That just isn’t what its meant to be. It doesn’t meet the base of what a video game is as an interactive experience. What you actually judge and criticize within a video game is the developer’s skill to make it what it says it is. Its price, and more often than not its length, do not determine that. Neither does an arbitrary category created to split the market into “standard and premium” video game experiences. You, the player, do.

Part Four: Thanks and future thoughts

Hello, and thank you for reading my article. The Great Divide is a theory and thought process I’ve held about the gaming landscape as a whole for quite a while, and it feels good to put those thoughts to digital paper. I do have more thoughts on the subject, but am electing to leave this here for now and return to it later in the form of another article, or perhaps an extension or video companion piece to this one. This piece is an opinion, and though it states true facts about video game history I do not offer the whole as fact. These are the ways I feel, and I hope that if you read them you might feel the same. Thank you for reading.

[northwest-cryptid]

I feel like I want to prefix all of this with saying I have nothing against those who go by the books and sell out and forego their own identity to make streaming as a career a reality for them.

But I also want to say that I will always support those who try to make it without doing all that. Listen I get it, it's hard; and that's exactly why I respect them for it.

I've been trying to find the middle ground, people tell me just play Genshin it's popular; but are you kidding me? Do you know who I am? Do you think I'd stoop so low as to play a game that glorifies the mass murder of my people? No thanks man.

I legitimately felt emotional seeing the support I was given by the Mabinogi community because I'm actually pulling numbers on par with my peers; the very same peers who did very much decide to just sort of sell out to whatever got them the most viewers and interaction.

I'm not looking down on them, if anything I was always a little irked by it because it was a constant reminder that I should do the same.

Yet here I am actually slowly amassing a small community with higher viewer averages, more engagement on my streams; and it seems like I can actually deliver a fun experience to those who stop by.

Streaming as a full time career is something that will take a lot of work; it's going to take a fair bit of effort, I need to dedicate myself to it and it's not easy. I'm planning to sign on with a proper studio later down the line; or at least audition with a few. Even if it means having to give up some form of identity to adopt another they want me to use.

However as it currently stands I don't have a lot of options, if I'm being honest that's not why I outright seek streaming though.

Sure I'm physically disabled, sure it's difficult for me to do any form of physical labor; and yea I know I can't hold a "real job" like people would love for me to.

Truth is, I've always wanted to be some form of an entertainer; I've always wanted to help people the way entertainers helped me. When I was young I focused so heavily on being a game developer, I wanted to create a world for people to feel like they belonged. I felt that way because Mabinogi gave me that when I was an outcast in school. The older I got the more I realized that being a game dev wasn't actually a job I could just pick up and do. It was a lot more challenging than that; I worked with a few smaller indie groups and every time I got burnt.

I had my intellectual property stolen, I was basically let go when they realized they didn't want to pay me for my services since they "didn't need to" considering they held all the legal rights to my work.

I realized that streaming was something I could just sort of, do. I grabbed a webcam, a decent mic; and OBS. I just sorta started streaming whatever; tried to stick with things I actually want to show other people; tried my best to create some kind of space for a community to feel welcome in.

I see the way people feel towards streamers, and while I understand the need to keep a distance (believe me, I really do) I also want to be a big enough streamer to properly house myself, keep food on the table, support my loved ones; and also be there for an audience.

I want to be a streamer who can genuinely put my audience first when it comes to what sort of things I bring to the screen, obviously caring a lot about my own interests and such as well; but I want to be someone who can brighten peoples days you know.

When I was young I remember telling my family that my life goal wasn't so lofty as to accomplish world peace or anything like that; but that rather I wanted to try my best to make someone's day a little better every day. It didn't matter who, it didn't matter how big of a deal it was. If I could make someone's day just even a little better than it was, then I was doing something good for the world as a whole.

So yea, I guess if I'm being honest; whenever I think about what I want to do for a living, there's nothing that comes to mind; but streaming? Streaming is fun, it allows me a sort of outreach; to talk to people, to help people.

I get to be there for others, I can entertain them; help make their days a little brighter and I also get to be an entertainer. I get to put on a show, play up a silly character and have some fun with it.

I don't want to have to sell out and be someone I'm not, I don't want to have to endorse games I don't support. I want to be me; and I want to be there for my community.

This is the first time in a long time I've felt like maybe I can do that; even if being me mean I get to play the role of a silly eldritch demon here to claim dominion over the realm in the name of my great elder god lol.

[dailyrandomwriter]

Day 615

I forgot until now that about two weeks ago I was playing a game called Doronko Wanko. It’s a strange game, not just in premise, but in who designed the game. The game was developed by Bandai Namco Studios, but published by Phoenixx Inc, instead of Bandai Namco themselves.

It’s unusual for two reasons, one, Bandai is the company most well known for Tekken (and maybe Soulcalibur back in the mid 90s to early 2000s), along with a bunch of anime franchises, and two, the game was for free. 

Completely free, not even any microtransactions as far as I can tell. It is just a cute, short game about a mischievous muddy pomeranian who gets a whole clean house dirty. 

That it’s, that’s the game.

You play a pomeranian and the purpose is to get the whole house full of mud and paint, racking up a huge cleaning bill in the process. It’s an adorable, silly game with game mechanics so easily learnt and well built tutorial, that even if you forget to change the language to English, you can still play the game. The gameplay loop is so tight that even though the game is only an hour long (less than that if you sped through it) it’s enjoyable from beginning to end. It came up with a silly game mechanic and then proceeded to execute perfectly.

It’s just really weird that it’s Bandai Namco, who have been in the gaming sphere for a long time. If this game had been released by a small indie dev, for free, one would assume it was just someone’s pet project. Though it does make me wonder, if maybe it was still a pet project, or rather a training project. 

There has been some talk about the lack of learning opportunities within the very large gaming studios. Gaming studios that tend to focus on AAA games with incredibly large scopes and very specific genres, or franchises. As a result, there isn’t a chance to learn new skills in making games for both new developers coming into the field and veterans in a way that doesn’t have a high cost. Making a smaller game like Doronko Wanko gives developers a chance to learn new skills without it costing a larger game. And if they happen to make a new franchise as a result of excellent feedback, all the better.

This could be very well a test run for another type of game. Or maybe, one day we’ll just get a longer game about a muddy pom out to make a mess of everything. Not sure how you’d make a longer game out of that, but it sounds like fun.

[grollow]

Here's some Ashe deep lore. CW sexism, misogyny, some trauma, depression and over-all a stressful time. Read at your own convenience.

I used to work in the gaming industry for an indie company. Watching some of you react to no Silksong news brings back some horrors.

To preface: The company that I worked for was a very small independent gaming company based out of the Netherlands -- so it was a remote position. We made a few different titles, none of which were wildly successful, in large because of major design flaws (examples include: story not mattering, too much emphasis on PVP in poorly balanced titles [and making the game COMPLETELY DEPENDENT on pvp in some cases] and most egregiously, no real direction beyond 'it should be fun.')

I was hired as a Community Manager initially. My responsibilities for this job largely involved managing the forums, doing news updates, sending out (Not writing) press releases, hanging out in the chats of our games / playing the games sometimes with players, and coming up with fun events. My colleague/boss was senior community manager, and she ran a very successful gaming blog (more successful than most of our games initially -- until she closed it). Both of us were/are heavily involved in games. I am more of an RPG and horror title enthusiast and she was a big fan of RPGs as well as FPS games. We both have a pretty wide repertoire of experience combined. She was a world's top 50 raider in World of Warcraft at the time of this all going down.

I should preface: I am AFAB. I, unfortunately for me, have a very feminine voice. At the time of this all happening, I was also still using she/her pronouns. So was my colleague.

During our experience as Community Managers, we were forced to do marketing despite neither of us knowing how to do that (examples include understanding metrics, learning how Google algorithms worked, composing and distributing Press Releases as well as finding the sites to send those TO).

Here's some examples of the awful things that she and I endured under this company:

80+ hour work weeks, where we were required to detail out with time sheets daily everything we did and what the reasons were. I think I clocked in 16 hour days most days and I was required to work weekends.

On Christmas, our boss called and screamed at my colleague because she and I dared to want the day off to spend with our families (we were not allowed any holidays).

My colleague was forced to work -from the hospital- while her mom underwent life-saving surgery, under threat of being fired.

"You look like a crayon eating [r slur]" is an actual phrase that was used to describe her because of a picture she was using of herself.

We both got told, numerous times, that "girls can't make strategy games."

We were blamed for them releasing an RTS/Tower Defense title the same day as Left4Dead despite my colleague telling them numerous times that that was a mistake.

I later got promoted to Project Manager, but I was still making over $1000 a month less than my male colleague who I hired. In order to get me a raise, he had to take a pay cut. I put in more hours than he did, by his own admission, and worked twice as hard. He was questioned far less on whether or not his work was "efficient."

There are more stories but in truth, I have blocked a lot of it out of my mind. She and I both ran screaming from the gaming industry and have nothing to do with it now in our professions for a reason.

The worst part of all of this is that this is not at all uncommon. This is unfortunately very typical of the industry -- there are good companies, but you hear about these horrors lot less often than they actually occur.

Why do I share this? Because when I see you all screaming about wanting Silksong news, I want you to remember what indie developers go through. And maybe have a little empathy. Good things take time.

(No, I am not saying this is happening at a little 3man studio. I am just telling you, as someone who has worked in the gaming industry, that you should try to be a little more understanding of how hard it can be for some of us.)

[tyrantchimera]

I wonder if part of this issue isnt the sheer SIZE of most triple A games these days. (Prepare for a rant, I'm Nintendo biased.) As mentioned earlier, brand name studios sink significant costs into their projects, and a single failed investment can be catastrophic for their back end. Just look at the size of Pokemon Red or Silver in comparison to Scarlet or Sword. The sheer difference in scale is almost insulting. Perhaps as a result of this difficulty, more and more large companies turned to subscription based game services (to earn a STABLE profit, I assume), or to making games "bland" to appeal to wider audiences. That's not even touching on the necessary marketing to get the names out here: "shadow dropping" a game is no longer the norm but an exception.

It was a necessity, but.... well. It distanced these games from the sort of uniqueness that people love. Just look at the original LoZ: Majora's Mask in comparison to, say, LoZ: Skyward Sword. Both good games. But the level of personality in LoZ: MM is ridiculous. (Maybe it's not the best of examples, but if any mainstream Nintendo game could look like an indie if you squinted, it was Majora's Mask.) And frankly? Sometimes big games are just too BIG. I used to consider myself a completionist, but Breath of the Wild and its 900-something koroks are daunting at best. I love seeing all the corners of a video game world. But when a world is too goddamn big, my depressed ass has little recourse but to give up on completely playing the game I'm enjoying lest it become a chore.

Soon people began turning to indies for the same sort of individuality, avante garde ideas, and quirkiness that started to (mostly) disappear after the gamecube/PS2/etc era (imho). Lovingly crafted, smaller worlds to explore, but each and every corner is brimming with detail. And because they were smaller studios with smaller budgets, they had to make a more memorable, unique experience if they wanted any success. The indie renaissance, games like Undertale, Hollow Knight, or A Hat in Time, filled in for a lack of personality in triple A titles. A lack caused by the necessity to generalize a game for wider marketability. The sheer personality in many of these indie games would not have been allowed in modern studios. (Yet for every tale of success, there are probably 3 dozen failures, or mediocre games, or games that were really good but just didn't get a chance).

But now Unity may have started an incredibly unfortunate precedent with trying their own hand at 'subscription' services (ie the gaming companies having to pay them an egregious cut every time a game with Unity's game engine is installed, which, if this does indeed become a precedent, would cut many indie developers from an already saturated and competitive market). Indie games may decrease soon. And like someone else mentioned earlier, more recent games these days just haven't been optimized. Not even Indies! Most NES games could probably run on a modern calculator for crying out loud! People have played DOOM in Minecraft! And yet as small as they were, these games mostly worked as intended. And modern games have lag and loading screens. Ugh. I hate loading screens.

As others on this thread have discussed, I think there will have to be a "correction" in the market. Workers will need to protect their rights, and companies will have to re-evaluate the distribution of time, effort, and other resources when it comes to making games. Technology should focus on long term usability, not constant expansion, and with resources as tight as they are, we may see average console lifetimes go from 5 to 10 or even 15 years. (I hope we do anyways: bigger isn't always better. And we need to be careful of the resources squandered or mined.)

genuinely, i think we're heading for another video game crash. Triple A games are continually abusing workers while putting out lower and lower quality games at higher and higher price points. Consoles and gaming pcs are approaching the same price as a used car, for games that take up 90% of the memory because they're so poorly optimized.

the constant grind for new games or new content for previous games is quickly becoming annoying and underwhelming, we already have constant complaints about the new day one patch system every game release seems to come with. more and more games are just endless remasters and franchise sequels instead of anything new.

and now unity wants to charge developers for every install

[packder]

Game Dev Rant incoming, There’s always a bit of discourse on which game engine to use when it comes to game development. But often people get swept in the Unreal “Wow” factor, which isn’t necessarily bad but that “Wow” comes with a price, which is often time. Yes, you can make a beautiful procedural generated texture that’s seamless through the world and looks great... but it’ll cost you a day or two of development time, this is fine if that’s your one job. As a solo or small indie team, that’s a very time expensive piece of artwork that you’ll likely need to make dozens of throughout the game. Something that suddenly costs you months of work before you even hit the 2nd phase of painting those textures across the world. We live in a world of instant gratification and every piece of technology and software is trying to implement that in some form, Unreal’s technology is aimed at bigger studios trying to create large amounts of content with less overall work but its marketed as something anyone (indie developers) can do with just a few clicks, the reality is those few clicks (Often prefabricated examples) looks great out of the box, but then tweaking them to something actually worth while in a game is a different story. I remember when Unity in its relative new state had a flood of capsule player, drag and drop prefab content spammed around until Unity got branded as a “bad game engine” meaning to most people if it was made in Unity its just automatically bad. But when you look closer its almost always because the “graphics are bad” therefore the game is bad mentality. Unity in a lot of ways is better than Unreal for developers now because it doesn’t flood you with all these “out of the box” content, tools and settings by comparison to Unreal these days. The irony is that for me personally, Unreal games are the new bad unity games just with a few dozen post processing effects cranked up to 11. No actual thought or finesse put into the development, just prefabricated pretty settings you play around with making you think you’re creating when really its just a pseudo AI generated piece of art. I really could boil it down to “Generated content vs hand crafted content”, which is tricky when it comes to content vs development time, but I think its safe to say game engine companies are selling people the idea of game development, not the actual time and care it takes to make games. Unity’s bare bones encourages you to learn, your game is empty, the graphics ARE bad, but that all can be improved and you learn to put the development time into the right places. You learn the rules of visuals, rendering, compositing and framing, you have to question every aspect of the development cycle because you want the game to work as a whole. You learn how to do things more efficiently and effectively working from the ground up grasping pipeline concepts. With Unreal, you lose that when you just drag a few systems in and never question any of it, just because it looks pretty. Unreal became the inverse problem of what Unity had and no one noticed because it looks pretty. With that said, nothing wrong with using Unity, Unreal or even Godot. Just learn how to use it.

[pnqkhanh]

Week 9: Gaming Communities, Social Gaming and Live Streaming

Social gaming culture refers to the social interactions and behaviors that take place within the context of video games and gaming communities. It encompasses a wide range of activities, from online multiplayer games to gaming conventions and events. Social gaming culture is often characterized by its inclusivity and sense of community. Players often form close relationships and support networks with one another, sharing tips and strategies, as well as personal stories and experiences.

Gaming communities can take many different forms, ranging from online forums and chat groups to social media platforms and in-game guilds or clans. These communities can provide a sense of belonging and camaraderie for gamers, as well as opportunities for collaboration and creativity. Social gaming culture also includes various rituals and traditions, such as cosplay (dressing up as game characters), LAN parties (gaming events where players bring their own computers to play together), and online streaming (live broadcasting of game play sessions).

Game livestreaming involves broadcasting gameplay live to an audience of viewers. (Brendan Keogh). Allow streamer to interactive with audiences. Live streaming offers professional esports players and teams opportunities to build their audience, brand, and incomes, while streaming their practice sessions—often straight out of their bedrooms. Streamer streaming several genres of games and content. Twitch and Youtube Live are two main platform of game streaming which attractive most audience and streamers.

The "Indie Developer" stand for Independent developer and the orginal Indie game is Minecraft However, the industry has changed since the days of Minecraft. Indie games aren’t just made by independent developers sitting in their mom’s basement. Every single game on this top developers list is created by a studio with a small team. 

In Melbourne, The community is supported by local organizations such as the Melbourne International Games Week and the Game Developers' Association of Australia. Melbourne has also hosted several gaming events and conferences, including the Freeplay Independent Games Festival, which celebrates and showcases independent game developers and their work. The city also has a vibrant gaming culture, with several gaming bars and cafes that cater to gamers and host gaming events. Some notable indie game developers and studios based in Melbourne include League of Geeks, the team behind the award-winning game Armello, and The Voxel Agents, the developers of The Gardens Between. Other notable Melbourne-based indie game developers include Samurai Punk, Tin Man Games, and The Opaque.

References:

Keogh, B 2021, 'The Melbourne indie game scenes: value regimes in localized game development' (Chapter 13), Download 'The Melbourne indie game scenes: value regimes in localized game development' (Chapter 13),in P Ruffino (ed), Independent Videogames: Cultures, Networks, Techniques and Politics, Routledge, pp.209-222.

Taylor, TL 2018, ‘Broadcasting ourselves’ (chapter 1), in Watch Me Play: Twitch and the Rise of Game Live Streaming, Princeton University Press, pp.1-23 

Hjorth, L, Richardson, I, Davies, H & Balmford, W 2021, ‘Exploring play’ (chapter 2) Download ‘Exploring play’ (chapter 2), in Exploring Minecraft: Ethnographies of Play and Creativity, Palgrave Macmillan, pp.27-47

[pennaater]

Ok, I feel like people need to understand something about video games.

It is literally impossible for a game to come out bug free.

And before anyone comes for my ass, I am literally a development quality assurance tester; testing games to find bugs is my job and has been for about 5 years now. So yeah, let me try to explain my point here.

When you test a game, some bugs will occur A LOT, and those are super easy to find and reproduce, which is great! You report it and, depending on how hindering it is to the player, it will be given a lower or higher priority. Cool, now the bug is assigned to someone and hopefully they'll have time to fix it!

But not all bugs are created equal and some of them might occur 1/5000 times or have such convoluted reproduction steps that a tester might not be able to figure why it occured the first time and is unable to make it happen again.

So now, if a bug happens 1/5000 times, chances are the QA team might not ever even find it, so even if it's a pretty hindering bug, it doesn't get reported and doesn't get fixed before release.

So now, what does that mean once the game releases? If it's a pretty popular game, well, if hundreds of thousands of people play it, that 1/5000 bug suddenly seems a lot more frequent! Or at least it becomes more frequent to the eye of the public.

Of course, I'm not saying that big studios that have a lot of money to spare that clearly didn't hire enough QAs to do a decent job (or waited too late to actually start doing QA) should get off the hook for a subpar game with a ridiculous amount of bugs. People have the right to point out the lack of quality of a game and complain about game-breaking bugs that are extremely frequent and make the experience miserable for most people.

However, please do have some respect for game devs, especially indie companies that might not have been able to catch every bug. And yes, that means even game-breaking ones, especially if they're a small team. Making games is hard, really hard actually, and I've seen a lot of people completely shit on games that were overall great but that had problematic bugs after release. Some bugs will only become obvious once a larger amount of people start playing the game, and if the dev team is actively trying to fix those issues, show them patience and kindness.

At the end of the day, games are made by people that work really hard and a little compassion can go a long way.

[gaming]

Indie Game Spotlight: Snacko ( @snackodev​ )

This week’s Indie Game Spotlight is the cat’s meow. Snacko is a farming adventure game about two kitties starting a new life on a (seemingly) deserted island with a meow-sterious past! 

We chatted with husband and wife duo, Erisa and Jordan, who are making it out of their home studio in Canada, with the main cast based on their cats. Erisa does most of the art and community stuff like blog posts and social media, and Jordan is the lead (and only) programmer on the project. Read on!

What were some major influences in making the game?

Erisa: I grew up on almost exclusively Nintendo handheld games, so a lot of Story of Seasons and Rune Factory for the gameplay, and some Pokémon games for art. For particular features like the interior decorating, I draw a lot on my experiences playing The Sims.

Jordan: Unlike Erisa, I grew up playing games on console and PC, so, while we do share some common ground (namely in the farming sim department), my tastes are quite different! I bring most of my inspiration from action-adventure games such as The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, early 2000s MMORPGs such as Ragnarok Online and Phantasy Star Online, and platformers such as Super Mario 64.

Aside from farming, what other activities can you do?

We have some of the more common features found in other farming games, like fishing, cooking, and taking care of farm animals. But we’ve also added some extra activities to fill your days, like part-time jobs at the local diner, exploring procedurally-generated mazes in the mines, and decorating and growing your own island community. We have some more surprises we’re excited to reveal in the coming months!

How does customization work?

There are many ways to make your Snacko experience unique to you! Your farm, the town, and your home can all be decorated using crafting recipes and building blueprints you collect during your journey. You can mix things up by dyeing your furniture, or the roofs of buildings, different colors crafted from flowers and other materials found in the wild.

Another aspect of customization in Snacko is the villagers that live on your island. As you start rebuilding the town, you’ll find yourself in need of shops or services. You can take this opportunity to post on the bulletin board for potential villagers to respond to. Depending on what you’re offering and what you’re looking for, you can have an interesting combination of villagers on your island, and place their houses at will.

We’ve spent extra care in making the controls and options for building as convenient as possible to create spaces as you imagine them in your mind. My personal favorite is the ability to rotate freely and toggle seamlessly between snap-to-grid and free placement!

What has been the biggest challenge in creating the game?

Erisa: Staying consistent. I haven’t worked on a project this big before, and once you add on the fact that I’m essentially the art director of the project, as well as my own boss, it’s been a challenge to make sure all my assets stay consistent. I’ve gotten into situations where I’ve had to redo assets because they looked fine on their own, but out of place once implemented into the game.

Jordan: Picking and choosing what ideas get to make it into the game. No matter how small and easy you think it will be to put a new idea into the game, every new idea adds complexity and needs to be polished, maintained, tested, and localized into all of our supported languages. As the game has progressed, our ideas haven’t slowed down—so having to continually fight the urge to add more can get a tad stressful!

If you could be friends with any of the game's villagers in real life, who would it be?

Erisa: Definitely Frits! He seems like a really chill guy to hang out with after work over some chicken skewers and drinks. I think so far, Frits is my favorite character I’ve designed.

Jordan: Outside of the characters that mirror our cats’ personalities, I’d have to go with Maru. He’s one of the more down-to-earth characters in our cast, and loves when he gets time to focus on his hobbies!

Snacko is currently available to wishlist on Steam! They’re currently developing for PC and will keep everyone updated for other platforms in the future. You can follow their Tumblr here!

[destiny-smasher]

Life is Strange: True Colors

Leading up to the release of Episode 1 of TellTale's The Walking Dead game, I was working freelance for GameRevolution at the time, lived in the area, and had the chance to play a build of the game to write a preview on it. I remember comparing it to Mass Effect because, at the time, there just...weren't games of that subgenre. Of course, by now we've seen an explosion of this type of game - the 'narrative/choice-driven game,' spearheaded and even oversaturated by Telltale to their own demise.

Out of all of the games that have come from that initial boom, Life is Strange by DontNod was and still is the most influential on my life, but I also have always harbored really conflicted feelings about it - especially with how it resolved its narrative. Hell, if you're reading this, you're probably aware that I spent a few years of my life creating a sequel fanstory which I even adapted a chunk of into visual novel format. Hundreds of thousands of words, days and days of life spent essentially trying to process and reconcile my conflicted feelings about this game's conclusion(s). Since then, I've been experimenting with interactive fiction and am currently developing my own original visual novel using everything I've learned from both creating and playing games in this genre. It's a subgenre of game I have a lot of interest and passion for because, when handled well, it can allow a player to sort of co-direct a guided narrative experience in a way that's unique compared to strictly linear cinematic experiences but still have a curated, focused sense of story.

Up until this point, I've regarded Night in the Woods as probably the singular best game of this style, with others like Oxenfree and The Wolf Among Us as other high marks. I've never actually put any Life is Strange game quite up there - none of them have reached that benchmark for me, personally. Until now, anyway.

But now, I can finally add a new game to that top tier, cream of the crop list. Life is Strange: True Colors is just damn good. I'm an incredibly critical person as it is - and that critique usually comes from a place of love - so you can imagine this series has been really hard to for me given that I love it, and yet have never truly loved any actual full entry in it. I have so many personal issues, quibbles, qualms, and frustration with Life is Strange: with every individual game, with how it has been handled by its publisher (my biggest issue at this point, actually), with how it has seemingly been taken away from its original development studio, with how it chooses to resolve its narratives...

But with True Colors, all of those issues get brushed aside long enough for me to appreciate just how fucking well designed it is for this style of game. I can appreciate how the development team, while still clearly being 'indie' compared to other dev teams working under Square-Enix, were able to make such smart decisions in how to design and execute this game. Taken on its own merits, apart from its branding, True Colors is absolutely worth playing if you enjoy these 'telltale' style games. Compared to the rest of the series, I would argue it's the best one so far, easily. I had a lot of misgivings and doubts going in, and in retrospect, those are mostly Square-Enix's fault. Deck Nine, when given the freedom to make their own original game in the same vein as the previous three, fucking nailed it as much as I feel like they could, given the kinds of limitations I presume they were working within.

I'm someone who agonizes every single time there is news for Life is Strange as a series - someone who essentially had to drop out of the fandom over infighting, then dropped out of even being exposed to the official social media channels for it later on (I specifically have the Square-Enix controlled channels muted). I adore Max and Chloe, and as a duo, as a couple, they are one of my top favorites not just in gaming, but in general. They elevated the original game to be something more than the sum of its parts for me. And while I have enjoyed seeing what DontNod has made since, it's always been their attention to detail in environmental craftsmanship, in tone and atmosphere, which has caught my interest. They're good at creating characters with layers, but imo they've never nailed a narrative arc. They've never really hit that sweet spot that makes a story truly resonate with me. Deck Nine's previous outing, Before the Storm, was all over the place, trying to mimic DontNod while trying to do its own things - trying to dig deeper into concepts DontNod deliberately left open for interpretation while also being limited in what it could do as a prequel.

But with True Colors, those awkward shackles are (mostly) off. They have told their own original story, keeping in tone and concept with previous Life is Strange games, and yet this also feels distinctly different in other ways.

Yes, protagonist Alex Chen is older than previous characters, and most of the characters in True Colors are young adults, as opposed to teenagers. Yes, she has a supernatural ability. And yes, the game is essentially a linear story with some freedom in how much to poke around at the environment and interact with objects/characters, with the primary mechanic being making choices which influence elements of how the story plays out. None of this is new to the genre, or even Life is Strange. But the execution was clearly planned out, focused, and designed with more caution and care than games like this typically get.

A smaller dev team working with a budget has to make calls on how to allocate that budget. With True Colors, you will experience much fewer locales and environments than you will in Life is Strange 2. Fewer locations than even Life is Strange 1, by my count. But this reinforces the game's theming. I suspect the biggest hit to the game's budget was investing in its voice acting (nothing new for this series) but specifically in the motion capture and facial animation.

You have a game about a protagonist trying to fit in to a small, tightly knit community. She can read the aura of people's emotions and even read their minds a little. And the game's budget and design take full advantage of this. You spend your time in a small main street/park area, a handful of indoor shops, your single room apartment. It fits within a tighter budget, but it reinforces the themes the game is going for. Your interactions with characters are heightened with subtle facial cues and microexpressions, which also reinforces the mechanic and theming regarding reading, accepting, and processing emotions. And you get to make some choices that influence elements of this - influenced by the town, influenced by the emotions of those around you, which reinforce the main plot of trying to navigate a new life in a small town community.

When I think about these types of games, the conclusion is always a big deal. In a way, it shouldn't be, because I usually feel it's about the journey, not the destination. And as an example, I actually really dislike the ending of the original Life is Strange. I think it's a lot of bullshit in many ways. The setpiece is amazing and epic, sure, but the actual storytelling going on is...really hollow for me. Yes, the game does subtly foreshadow in a number of ways that this is the big choice it's leading up to, but the game never actually makes sense of it. And the problem is, if your experience is going to end on a big ol' THIS or THAT kind of moment, it needs to make sense or the whole thing will fall apart as soon as the credits are rolling and the audience spends a moment to think about what just happened. When you look at the end of Season 1 of Telltale's The Walking Dead, it's not powerful just because of what choice you're given, but because through the entire final episode, we know the stakes - we know what is going to ultimately happen, and we know the end of the story is fast approaching. All of the cards are on the table by the time we get to that final scene, and it works so well because we know why it's happening, and it is an appropriate thematic climax that embodies the theming of the entire season. It works mechanically, narratively, and thematically, and 'just makes sense.'

The ending of Life is Strange 1 doesn't do that, if you ask me. The ending of most games in this genre don't really hit that mark. When I get to the end of most game 'seasons' like this, even ones I enjoy, I'm typically left frustrated, confused, and empty in a way.

The ending of True Colors, on the other hand, nails everything it needs to. Handily, when compared to its peers.

If you're somehow reading this and have not played this game but intend to, now is probably where you should duck out, as I will be

discussing SPOILERS from the entire game, specifically the finale.

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Firstly, since I don't know where else to put this, some criticisms I found with the game. And honestly, they're all pretty damn minor compared to most games of this type.

Mainly, I just wish the whole Typhon thing was handled a bit more deliberately. It's a bit weird to do the 'big evil corporation' thing (especially when a big corporation like Square Enix occupies as much as or even more of the credits to this game than the people who actually MADE it?) without offering more explanation and subtlety. The game certainly makes some efforts but they're mostly small and mostly optional, like background chatter or a handful of one-off bits of documentation/etc. you can find in the environment. I feel like Diane in particular needed to be fleshed out just a little bit more to really sell us on how and why things like this happen, why corporations make decisions that cost people their happiness, security, and lives and they just get to keep on doing it. I think just a little bit that is unavoidable to the player that puts emphasis on maybe how much the town relies on the money/resources Typhon provides would've helped. Again, this is minor, but it stands out when I have so little else to critique.

I would've liked to get more insight on why Jed is the way he is. No, I don't think we really needed to learn more about his backstory, or even really his motivations. I think we get enough of that. I just think it would've been great to somehow highlight more deliberately how/why he's built up this identity overtop of what he's trying to suppress. Maybe even just having Alex internally realize, "Wait, what the hell, Jed has been hiding these emotions and my powers haven't picked up on it?" or something to that effect could have added an extra oomph to highlight how Jed seems to be coping with his emotions by masking/suppressing them. Also really minor complaint, but again...there's not much else here I can think to really improve on within the confines of what's in the game.

The game doesn't really call Alex's power into question morally. Like. Max has an entire meltdown by the end of her story, second-guessing if she's even helped anyone at all, if she has 'the right' to do so, how her powers might be affecting or expressing her own humanity and flaws...this story doesn't really get into that despite a very similar concept of manipulating others. There's like one bit in a document you can choose to read in Alex's 'nightmare' scene, but that's really it. I feel like this sentiment and how it's executed could have easily been expanded upon in just this one scene to capture what made that Max/Other Max scene do what it did in a way that would address the moral grayness of Alex's powers and how she uses them, and give players a way to express their interpretation of that. Also, very small deal, just another tidbit I would've liked to see.

When I first watched my wife play through Episode 5 (I watched her play through the game first, then I played it myself), I wasn't really feeling the surreal dreamscape stuff of Alex's flashbacks - which is weird, because if you're read my work from the past few years, you'll know I usually love that sort of shit. I think what was throwing me off was that it didn't really feel like it was tying together what the game was about up until that point, and felt almost like it was just copying what Life is Strange did with Max's nightmare sequence (minus the best part of that sequence, imo, where Max literally talks to herself).

But by the time I had seen the rest of the story, and re-experienced it myself, I think it clicked better. This is primarily a story about Alex Chen trying to build a new life for herself in a new community - a small town, a tightly knit place. Those flashbacks are specifically about Alex's past, something we only get teeny tiny tidbits of, and only really if we go looking for them. I realized after I gave myself a few days to process and play through the game myself that this was still a fantastic choice because it reinforces the plot reasons why Alex is even in the town she's in (because her father went there, and her brother in turn went there looking for him), and it reinforces the theme of Alex coming to accept her own emotions and confront them (as expressed through how the flashbacks are played out and the discussions she has with the image of Gabe in her mind, which is really just...another part of herself trying to get her to process things).

By the time Alex escapes the mines and returns to the Black Lantern, all of the cards are on the table. By that point, we as the audience know everything we need to. Everything makes sense - aside from arguably why Jed has done what he has done, but put a pin in that for a sec. We may not know why Alex has the powers she does, but we have at least been given context for how they manifested - as a coping mechanism of living a life inbetween the cracks of society, an unstable youth after her family fell apart around her (and oof, trust me, I can relate with this in some degree, though not in exactly the same ways). And unlike Max's Rewind power, the story and plot doesn't put this to Alex's throat, like it's all on her to make some big choice because she is the way she is, or like she's done something wrong by pursuing what she cares about (in this case, the truth, closure, and understanding).

When Alex confronts Jed in front of all of the primary supporting characters, it does everything it needs to.

Mechanically: it gives players choices for how to express their interpretation of events, and how Alex is processing them; it also, even more importantly, uses the 'council' as a way of expressing how the other characters have reacted to the choices the player has made throughout the game, and contributes to how this climax feels. We're given a 'big choice' at the end of the interaction that doesn't actually change the plot, or even the scene, really (it just affects like one line of dialogue Alex says right then) and yet BOTH choices work so well as a conclusion, it's literally up to your interpretation and it gives you an in-game way to express that.

Thematically: the use of the council reinforces the game's focus on community; and the way the presentation of the scene stays locked in on Alex and Jed's expressions reinforces its focus on emotion - not to mention that the entire scene also acts as a way to showcase how Alex has come to accept, understand, and process her own emotions while Jed, even THEN, right fucking at the moment of his demise, is trying to mask his emotions, to hide them and suppress them and forget them (something the game has already expressed subtly by way of his negative emotions which would give him away NOT being visible to Alex even despite her power).

Narratively: we are given a confrontation that makes sense and feels edifying to see play out after everything we've experienced and learned. We see Alex use her powers in a new and exciting way that further builds the empowering mood the climax is going for and adds a cinematic drama to it. No matter what decisions the player makes, Alex has agency in her own climax, we experience her making a decision, using her power, asserting herself now that she has gone through the growth this narrative has put her through. Alex gets to resolve her shit, gets to have her moment to really shine and experience the end of a character arc in this narrative.

Without taking extra time to design the game around these pillars, the finale wouldn't be so strong. If they didn't give us enough opportunities to interact with the townspeople, their presence in the end wouldn't matter, but everyone who has a say in the council is someone we get an entire scene (at least one) dedicated to interacting with them and their emotions. If they didn't implement choices in the scene itself, it would still be powerful but we wouldn't feel as involved, it'd be more passive. If they didn't showcase Alex's power, we might be left underwhelmed, but they do so in a way that actually works in the context through how they have chosen to present it, while also just tonally heightening the climax by having this drastic lighting going on. If they didn't have the council involved, we'd lose the theming of community. If they didn't have the foil of Alex/Jed and how they have each processed their emotions, we'd miss that key component. And if we didn't have such detailed facial animations, the presentation just wouldn't be as effective.

Ryan/Steph are a little bit like, in this awkward sideline spot during the climax? Steph always supports you, and Ryan supports you or doubts you conditionally, which is unsurprising but also ties into the themes of Ryan having grown up woven into this community, and Steph being once an outsider who has found a place within it. They're still there, either way, which is important. The only relevant characters who aren't present are more supporting characters like Riley, Ethan, and Mac. Ethan being the only one of those who gets an entire 'super emotions' scene, but that also marks the end of his arc and role in the story, so...it's fine. Mac and Riley are less important and younger, as well, and have their own side story stuff you have more direct influence on, too.

But damn, ya'll, this climax just works so well. It especially stands out to me given just how rarely I experience a conclusion/climax that feels this rewarding.

And then after that we get a wonderful montage of a theoretical life Alex might live on to experience. Her actions don't overthrow a conglomerate billionaire company. She doesn't even save a town, really. If the entire council thinks you're full of shit, Jed still confesses either way - because it's not up to the council whether he does this, it's because of Alex, regardless of player choice. Honestly, even after a playthrough where I made most choices differently from my wife, there weren't really many changes to that montage at the end. It'd have been great if it felt more meaningfully different, but maybe it can be. Even if not, the design intent is there and the execution still works. It's a really nice way to end the story, especially since it's not even a literal montage but one Alex imagines - again, her processing what she's gone through, what she desires, expressed externally for us to see it. And for once, the actual final 'big decision' in a game of this type manages to be organic, make sense, and feel good and appropriate either way. You choose to either have Alex stay in Haven Springs and continue building her life there, or you can choose to have her leave and try to be an indie musician, with the events of the game being yet another chunk of her life to deal with and move on from (I haven't really touched on it, but music, especially as a way to express and process emotions, is a recurring thing, much like photography was in the original game, or Sean's illustrations in LiS2). For once, a climactic 'pick your ending' decision that doesn't feel shitty. It's pretty rare for this genre, honestly.

I could - and already have, and likely will - have so much more to say about this game and its details, but I really wanted to focus on touching upon a main element that has left me impressed: the way the entire game feels designed. It feels intentionally constructed but in a way that reinforces what it is trying to express as a story. It's not just trying to make people cry for the sake of 'emotions.' It is a game literally about emotions and it comes to a conclusion in a way that is clearly saying something positive and empowering about empathy and self-acceptance.

Storytelling is a craft, like any other, and it entails deliberate choices and decisions that can objectively contribute to how effective a story is for its intended audience.

A good story isn't something you find, after all.

It's something you build.

[elitegymnastics]

Q: What is this?

A: It’s a flyer for a virtual fundraiser on June 4th that Elite Gymnastics is playing. You can access the show at quietyear.com

Q: Hasn’t Elite Gymnastics been inactive for like, ten years?

A: Yes. This is the first Elite Gymnastics performance of any kind since November 30th 2012, at the Horn Gallery at Kenyon College in Gambier, Ohio. 

Q: Why did Elite Gymnastics stop playing shows?

A: Elite Gymnastics started out as me (Jaime) and a bunch of my friends agreeing to help me play my songs live back in 2009. I made a lot of weird demos in GarageBand and my friend Dominique Davis from the band Dearling Physique got tired of watching me sit on them. So, he booked me to play at a show he was curating as part of a small local music and arts festival called Clapperclaw. For several months that’s mainly what EG was. At some point the focus shifted to making recordings rather than playing shows, to participate in the emergent culture of new music distributed via MP3 file-sharing. The lineup winnowed to just me and Josh Clancy, who began creating digital EPs that we posted on this Tumblr page as ZIP files full of MP3s accompanied by a PDF of artwork. This is the incarnation of the group that most people are familiar with.

This was before Patreon existed. If Bandcamp was around, we’d never heard of it. Though MP3 file-sharing culture and file transfer sites like MediaFire and MegaUpload allowed anyone to distribute music freely across the world via the internet, it was still pretty difficult to get people to pay you for it. I think it was for this reason that a lot of internet music back then featured a lot of sampling. A lot of artists’ first forays into the world of DAWs and production took the form of mash-ups, bootleg remixes, and DJ mixes. Artists like Animal Collective, MIA, Kanye West, and Daft Punk for whom sampling was a pillar of their creative process were extremely influential. Elite Gymnastics was no exception - the first song of ours to gain traction online was “Is This On Me?” which made no attempt to hide the fact that it heavily sampled Faye Wong’s “Eyes On Me.” The fact that it was so difficult to make money off MP3s pushed people to make different creative decisions than they would have otherwise. It was sort of a free-for-all.

Eventually, all of this started to change. The major labels started getting a lot more aggressive about trying to destroy MP3 file-sharing culture. Platforms like MegaUpload were raided and taken offline. The replacements that sprung up to replace them were increasingly infested with ads and malware. Corporate platforms like YouTube and SoundCloud adopted Content ID filters to prevent the proliferation of copyrighted music there. Blogs and private torrent trackers being taken down meant thousands of hours of labor were wiped out in an instant. Some of the best archives of the history of recorded music ever created were destroyed without hesitation. Even the most devoted participants lost the will to keep repairing and re-making the stuff that cops and record companies kept obliterating.

Josh and I both dreamed of being able to make a living as musicians. We still do. Back then, we were willing to accept a lot of changes in order to make that possible, which seemed necessary. A lot of the stuff that we were great at just didn’t make any money. Once, we were asked to do a remix of a song called “Sa Sa Samoa” by the band Korallreven. I did the remix by myself, which was normal for us, and Josh was so inspired by it that he spent a week working non-stop to create a video for it. People loved it - the day the video dropped, Pitchfork designated the song as a “Best New Track” and New York Magazine wrote about it in their “Approval Matrix.” The video led to a ton of exposure, but from a financial perspective, it just did not make sense to put that much effort into promoting a remix of someone else’s song. The stuff we were personally excited by just seemed to have less and less to do with what actually makes money.

A lot of internet bands during this era began to palpably shapeshift in an effort to succeed in music as a career. Artists who’d first attracted notice for sample-based bangers they made on a laptop started posing with vintage hardware in their press photos and trading in their laptops for live bands and recording studios. It became harder to distribute DJ mixes or mash-ups that contained copyrighted music in them. Influential bloggers either closed up shop or were absorbed into the traditional music industry in some way. Feeds that once touted bizarre songs by laptop-toting weirdos with no industry connections started to become populated mostly by artists with labels and publicists. The bottom rungs of festival lineups started to consist mostly of new major label signings who have lots of money to spend on stage production but not much in the way of grassroots fan enthusiasm or media buzz. 

Internet music and what people tend to refer to as “indie music” split off into two separate streams. Today, there’s a pretty intense firewall between internet culture and whatever you want to call the culture of vinyl records, mid-sized indie labels with publicists, and positive reviews from the few remaining websites that still pay people to write about music. I call it “publicist indie,” “lifestyle techno,” or “prestige electronica” depending on whether or not the music features guitars and/or vocals. The recent online kerfuffle about NFTs really emphasized this split. The worlds of digital illustration and game development campaigned aggressively against mass adoption of cryptocurrency - if you saw any Medium posts explaining crypto’s environmental issues, chances are they were written by someone from those fields. Every new announcement by an artist that they had minted an NFT was met with a swift and vocal backlash from fans. Though I’ve never really been much of an Aphex Twin fan, it was still pretty startling to look at the replies under his NFT announcement tweet and see hundreds of furious people announcing that he was now dead to them. That’s an artist who has seemed more or less unimpeachable for most of my life up until this point! All of that seemed to change in an instant.

There is a massive disconnect between the insular world of the industry establishment and the cutting edge of online counterculture. We saw this again a couple of weeks ago with the online response to the crisis in Gaza. We saw passionate advocacy for Palestinians from games journalists and developers much more often than we saw it from musicians. This is a very serious problem for music! I do not believe it is possible to please both sides - that is to say, I do not believe it is possible to be part of internet counterculture and the industry establishment simultaneously. The music industry is too conservative, too compromised, too corrupt. If it weren’t for the ocean of valuable copyrights that labels are sitting on, most of them would be bankrupt within a year. If the industry was forced to live or die based on how they handle what’s happening right now in the present, it would most assuredly die. The only people who don’t realize this are those who are being paid to stay ignorant. 

Josh and I did not know this back then. From where we were standing, it looked like internet culture and established media industries were on track to converge. A career in the arts seemed genuinely, tantalizingly possible, right up until the moment that it no longer did. 

In my case, I had really been struggling up until that point. My life had been this ongoing sequence of evictions and hospitalizations, and it seemed to be getting worse, not better. I donated plasma twice a week to pay for groceries and while I was sitting there with a giant needle stuck in my left arm for an hour I would see my picture in The Fader or my songs being recommended by one of the Kings of Leon on Twitter or whatever. Music seemed like the only thing the world thought I was any good at. It felt like my only chance at a peaceful, happy life was somewhere out there in a world I could only perceive through a laptop screen. 

Gender, for me, was a big factor in all of this. The more invested in the craft of songwriting I became, the harder it was to repress or ignore my gender stuff. At that time I’m not sure I even knew what the word “transgender” meant - I just knew that when I showed up at a venue wearing a skirt, no one would talk to me or look me in the eye, and that reading about people like Anohni or Terre Thaemlitz or on the internet made me feel like if I could get out of Minneapolis maybe I could find a place where people would accept me. The internet was like, a pretty toxic place for someone in my position. When I tried to find people to talk to about what I was feeling, nobody tried to tell me to read Judith Butler or ask me what pronouns I preferred. The internet was just like, overrun with predators who just wanted to fetishize me and exploit me. Music seemed like the only way I’d ever have an actual life as myself. I was desperate for that. I was well and truly desperate.

Between all the big changes that were happening to us individually and the music industry moving farther and farther away of the anarchic free-for-all of MP3 file-sharing culture, the strain on us just got to be too much. We stopped trusting each other. We became the unstoppable force and the immovable object, crashing haphazardly against one another’s resolve in a dazzling display of youthful futility. Our partnership ended, and after finishing out the remaining live shows on the calendar by myself, I retired the name “Elite Gymnastics” and started making music on my own under other names. That was that.

Q: Why is Elite Gymnastics coming back now, then?

A: Over the years, Josh and I eventually started talking again. Though there was a lot we did agree on, and potential future projects were discussed, nothing truly felt right. We haven’t been in the same room since Summer 2012, and we’ve both changed a lot since then. We both have other projects and we’ve both developed other ways of working since we stopped working together. It’s a pretty big commitment to put all of that aside in order to join your fortunes together with someone you haven’t seen in a decade.

Recently, Josh decided to leave Elite Gymnastics. His reasons are his own, and I was very surprised by his decision, but after having had time to adjust, I’m really grateful to him. I had kept these songs at a distance for many years, because it seemed foolish to allow myself to get too attached to songs I didn’t feel like I was allowed to think of as mine, if that makes any sense. The songs felt like casualties of a conflict that I had to bury in the ground and try to forget about. Being able to embrace them again felt like re-growing a severed limb or having a loved one come back to life, almost. Feeling like it was safe to love these songs again made me feel whole in a way I didn’t expect to. I became really excited by the prospect of revisiting them, so that’s what I decided to do.

Q: Does this mean you’re going to put RUIN back on Spotify?

A: No. Taking the record off Spotify was the right thing to do. That record was only ever intended to exist during the era of MP3 piracy. I never envisioned a world where the music industry would be so aggressive about policing the way that copyrighted music is allowed to exist online. If we hadn’t opted to take the record down when we did, someone would inevitably have forced us to. If you want to hear those specific recordings again, you’re going to have to do it the way we originally intended: by downloading MP3 files from the internet. Try SoulSeek.

Q: What’s next for Elite Gymnastics, then?

A: Here’s the situation currently. There is no Elite Gymnastics music available to stream or purchase in an official capacity anywhere on the internet. It wouldn’t really be possible for me to put the old stuff on Spotify or Bandcamp now because of all the samples. Like I said before, it was a different time. Those records were created to thrive on a past version of the internet that no longer exists. They weren’t designed to be compatible with the 2021 internet.

Technically, Elite Gymnastics didn’t ever release a debut album. We had EPs, a compilation, and a remix collection. We didn’t make an album, a record that existed as the distillation of all that experimentation that contained all of the songs that fans of the EPs would want to hear, all in one place. It’s like we did Good Fridays but stopped before we made My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

So, I am currently working on the first Elite Gymnastics album. If you were following my stuff as Default Genders, you may have noticed me posting demos on my SoundCloud page from 2015-2018 that were all eventually reworked into the album Main Pop Girl 2019. The album I am making is taking that approach to all the old EG songs, including some unreleased stuff. I’m collaborating with others on some songs and I honestly feel like it has resulted in some of the best and most exciting music I have ever been involved with. It is a drastic reinvention, but iteration and reinvention have always been a big part of what I do. I want to make something that feels like the culmination of everything that came before, and so far, I think I’m succeeding.

Q: When will I be able to hear this new music?

At a virtual fundraiser on June 4th, 2021, where there is a suggested donation of $10. You can access it at quietyear.com

[nullset2]

Mother 3 - An In-depth Critique and Review

Ah, Mother 3, how I love you so!

The game which with which I forwent all possible aspirations to healthily integate into normal High School society: imagine walking into a party, people are drinking and being cool, and you ask them if they have ever played a very underground, very deep RPG only released in Japan called "Mother".

Yeah! I know! It's like you're asking to be bullied, and I realized it too late.

But anyway!

Mother 3 is one of the most important games you could ever play --alas, if only it wasn't near impossible to obtain it.

Yet, perhaps this adds to its allure and to the power of its narrative --a narrative which, by the way, I'm convinced is the very actual reason why it will never release formally in the United States.

As time has passed, I've actually become more and more impressed about how relevant the game is to the socioeconomic reality that we are in nowadays. I'm impressed that Shigesato Itoi had all of this in his mind's eye as early as 1996, and that the story was already written down in 1999!

Right now it's been 14 years since it's release on the GBA, but I think that the game is a timeless classic and warrants a playthrough now more than ever. Wanna know why?

Wanna find out?

Part 1. "A Japanese Copywriter's Americana"

The year is 1989 and a Japanese Copywriter --somebody who writes "Catch Copies", which are a sort of a long-form slogan that is very common in Japanese pop culture to advertise)-- by the name of Shigesato Itoi became a fan of the Dragon Quest series of RPGs, which are massively popular in Japan, even to this day. He also loved video games: he's asthmatic, so he recalls only being able to sleep sitting up as a child, and having to occupy his lonely time through asthma attacks playing video games, since he had to sit up and had nothing else to do at night.

His love of RPGs would linger in his mind until 1989 when he had an opportunity to meet with Hiroshi Yamauchi and Shigeru Miyamoto and was offered the opportunity to develop a video game with Nintendo. Harkening back to the endless hours he poured into Dragon Quest, his concept eventually took form by deriving from it. He called the story "MOTHER", as a reference to John Lennon's "Mother", since he is a very hardcore fan of The Beatles. The games have tons of obvious influence by old American films and comics, like ET and Peanuts, which he also loved very much.

For MOTHER, he wanted to explicitly go against the grain, by designing an RPG without "Swords and Magic", which stereotypically most RPGs follow, even from things as minor as to design a protagonist who was weak and vulnerable, asthmatic and without a Father Figure, yet, still heroic through much toil --which reflects Ninten from the original MOTHER for the famicom.

Miyamoto, in his usual taskmaster persona, arranged a team to work with Itoi for the creation of the RPG, by bringing in people from HAL laboratory and APE Inc, and thus MOTHER was born to great Japanese Acclaim. A game which took many risks in its genre, such as eschewing the idea of a separate overworld from navigation in the towns, the subject matter, the movement system and many other things which made it quite Unique. It was so popular that soon after the first project was released, MOTHER 2 started development, involving people from what's currently known as Game Freak and HAL Labs.

MOTHER 2 is a very unique game because it was the very first time that the series attempted to make an incursion in the Americas. Releasing in a big flamboyant flashy box, with a strategy guide and a bunch of goodies included, MOTHER 2 released as Earthbound in the states, a bigger and better version of the vision of the first game. Better graphics, Beatles references, sampled audio, pop culture cornucopia, it's all here and then some!

Famous for its role in technically driving the game, Satoru Iwata, ex-CEO and software developer for Nintendo,7 of Wii acclaim, helped the game meet its 1996 release date. It is known that the original version of the game ran into deep technical issues which the original dev team was not able to overcome. Once Satoru Iwata got involved, the game was reworked to a viable version and released to much critical acclaim. In his own words, he proposed to rewrite the tech that powered the main game. It was a matter of either continuing with the current code and be done in two years, or redoing everything and being done in six months under his vision, he said.

No matter its strong promotion from Nintendo, the marketing got botched, and the game paled compared to the flashy and bombastic magical RPGs of its era, like Final Fantasy VI, Super Mario RPG and Chrono Trigger of all things. So, Earthbound faced a very bad destiny in the states, by releasing to low acclaim, bad review scores and terrible sales numbers --even though it eventually reached Cult Classic status, due to its pure hearted nature, its hallucinogenic themes and characters, and its fantastic spirit over all.

And this game is worthy of discussion by itself a whole bunch because of the ripple effects it had in video game culture in the Western world. Enter starmen dot net. To this date, the epicenter of discussion for everything related to the MOTHER series. There you had me as early as 2002, browsing a half-rendered version of starmen dot net in a dingy computer in some dingy internet cafe in some shitty neighborhood in Mexico, trying to be a part of the discussion and the hype.

To this date, I consider starmen dot net as the non-plus-ultra case for how passionate Internet fan cultures can become.

Flat out, no other fandom has ever came close to the level of dedication, attention to detail and passion to tribute the original creation around which its fans congregate. A massive amount of fan paraphernalia has come out of starmen dot net --yes, even Undertale, 2015 indie darling RPG thing, originally got started on the Starmen dot net forums. People married and even started large, commercially viable enterprises, such as Fangamer.net, the firm which publishes Undertale, from starmen dot net.

...and then... silence...

After Earthbound's 1995 release, we enter a ten year hiatus for the series.

Even though both MOTHER games were incredibly popular in Japan, HAL Laboratory and APE Inc. weren't able to successfully make a jump onto the third dimension for the series come the Nintendo 64 era. They had a demo come the infamous Spaceworld 96, where a bunch of pre-release games for the then called "Ultra 64", which was the codename for the Nintendo 64, were showcased. And lo and behold, we have a sequel to Mother coming out, called Mother 3, the ROM for which has never been found by the way.

I'd love to get a look at the materials in that ROM.

The scarce footage we have available from it exhibits some of the elements we ended up seeing in the final released version of the game, like some of the original music like the Mozart ghost theme, and the DCMC section, albeit in a more primitive low poly way. It is known that both studios weren't very proficient at 3d Game development yet, which was still nascent. This together with other factors, such as the fact that at some point development was moved onto the unreleased-in-America, unpopular 64DD addon, undisclosed factors dropped the game into development hell, which ultimately led to its cancellation in the year 2000.

Plenty of mystery surrounded the now defunct project, to the dismay of a bunch of passionate fans in Starmen.net and elsewhere online. However, it turned out that the valiant effort of the fans, who made a huge amount of effort to campaign for the revival of the series, even mailing fanmail, fanart and other materials to the Itoi Shinbun offices in Japan (a titanical task in the world of the early 2000s).

Fast forward to 2003, and the Game Boy Advance, the little portable console that could, was in its Apex. Due to Satoru Iwata's campaining, it was announced that development on MOTHER 3 would be restarted, this time in 2D, for the gameboy advance. Much anticipation in Starmen.net followed this announcement, since it finally validated its efforts...

Come 2006, once the console was well into its end-of-life, with small nudges to play the game on a Gameboy player if possible, perhaps to try to follow suit with its predecessors, the sequel finally released to much acclaim. But what did Shigesato Itoi have in store for everyone all along? What kind of beast had just been unleashed onto the World?

Part 2. "Of Monkeys and Men"

Mother 3 follows the story of a young boy, Lucas, in a multi-chapter structure, which is novel for the series but not unheard of in the RPG genre. Besides this, the RPG plays very similar to your usual JRPG fare, and basically uses the Ultimately polished version of the MOTHER series' mechanics, groovy backgrounds and all.

The first three chapters of the game follow the perspective of different characters residing in Tazmilly Village as the plot of the game unfolds. The plot is centered around the residents of a peaceful town in an Island in an unspecified location, Nowhere Islands, which in my opinion is an allegory both of Japan and America, moreover with the fact that the game of the logo very clearly has a rising sun covered in metal, in a logo that's an amalgam of two different things which don't match, a subtle reference to the game's undertones to come.

From these residents we come to know the daily lives of a particular family: Flint, a farmer; Hinawa, his wife (a name in reference to Sunflowers, Himawari, her favorite flower), and their twin children, Lucas and Claus.

The game begins in the midst of their idyllic life in the mountains visiting Lucas' grandfather Alec, and playing around with meek dinosaurs which inhabit Nowhere Islands. See, in the world of Mother 3, no violence truly exists, and people have come to live peacefully with each other and nature. There's no such thing as the concept of money, Instead relying on an economy that's mostly based around bartering and hospitality.

However, everyone's lives veer into turmoil once strange alien beings invade, the Pigmask army, an army of big, fat and slovenly creatures dressed in pig-like attire, who seem to have a vast amount of technology and resources at their disposal yet aim for Nowhere Islands for colonization.

The Pigmasks have an as-of-yet unnamed leader, who is demanding them to make everything in the World "bigger, cooler, stronger and faster", and thus they seize Nowhere Islands by force of bombings and a forest fire to use its flora and fauna. And thus, while escaping from the forest fires returning from Alec's home, Hinawa tragically gets killed by a Drago which has been modified to be aggressive against its nature through robotics implanted in it by the Pigmask army.

There's an unused cutscene in the game's ROM data where Hinawa, instead, dies by bomb explosion...

...yeah, I'm just... gonna let you process that one by yourself ;)

The Drago left a fang in the middle of her heart, which is recovered by one of the Tazmillians and provided back to Flint along with a fragment of her crimson dress. Besmirched and angry, Claus, the festier one of the twin children, sets out to try to hunt the drago and achieve revenge, but he goes missing... Flint embarks in search of Claus and to kill the drago, and thus the first chapter of the game concludes, with the implication that Claus has gone missing...

With Lucas' family torn to shreds and The Pigmasks invading Tazmilly, it seems that we're in a situation ripe for disaster.

Chapter 2 follows Duster's adventure, which runs in parallel (as every other chapter will) to other chapters' stories. Duster is the last heir in a bloodline of Cat Burglars whose abilities are not in use anymore given that Tazmilly has no more commerce or crime. However it turns out that the Pigmask invasion puts his skills back in demand to infiltrate Oshoe Castle and retrieve an artifact which the Pigmasks are after and which Duster's family is the guardian of. The nature of the artifact in Oshoe Castle is as of yet unknown, however it is implied that it is important to the fabric of Tazmilly village.

At Castle Oshoe, Duster meets a mysterious princess, Kuma-tora (which translates literally to "beartiger", in allusion to the dichotomy of her existence, since she is very... masculine in attitude and refers to herself with, yes, male pronouns, perhaps anticipating identity politics by 14 years at least), who is also after the artifact in the Castle, the Hummingbird egg. The chapter ends with the Hummingbird Egg going missing, and a mysterious peddler of goods arriving into town, while Kumatora and Duster's father realize he has gone missing...

Chapter 3 follows the adventure of a little Monkey, Salsa, which gets flown into Nowhere Islands to perform a job. This is a novelty in a town where the concept of a job doesn't exist as of yet, however, the peddler of goods is going to need a lot of hands if he wants to fullfill his vision. The peddler, Fassad (which is a tongue in cheek way to say "facade", right?) promises to all residents in Nowhere Island eternal happiness if they buy his newest product, the "Happy Box", a television-like contraption which glows with a warm light and which people are attracted to and engrossed by. For this, he introduces the concept of money and swindles people his way, convincing them that this is the way to go and promising them excitement and benefit if they listen to him.

Salsa delivers Happy boxes throughout the whole chapter, and gets shocked, even in the middle of the night, if something goes wrong with his job or tries to escape due to a shock collar implanted by Fassad. However, he runs into Kumatora and Wess, Duster's father, and they ploy together to free up Salsa and mess up Fassad's forceful takeover of Oshoe Castle, when Lucas shows up with several dragos in tow and fights against the Tank invasion of Oshoe Castle.

(A foreign animal being introduced into a new society with the express intent of exploiting it to propel forward a commercial enterprise by toil... geez, I dunno, where have I heard that one?)

From Chapter 4 Onwards the game adopts a more conventional JRPG scheme, through a timeskip which happens literally two years in the future. In this future version of Tazmilly, money (Dragon Points) and ATMs are now existent, similar to other Mother games. The game follows Lucas' adventure through a now-modernized and industrialized technologically advanced Tazmilly, trying to retrieve the "seven needles" from the island, which are soon enough shown to be a source of great power that the pigmask army is also after and to which Lucas must try to get to first due to a calling by mysterious beings which inhabit Nowhere Islands, the Magypsies. With a lot of emotional moments, such as Lucas having visions of his Mother in the middle of a field of Sunflowers, we follow the adventures of the party as they infiltrate the pigmask ranks and gather information about its nature and intentions.

It is then discovered that the pigmasks are commanded by a Masked leader, who dominates the power of thunder through a tower which was built in the middle of the town and which strikes anybody down with thunder if they overstep the Law and Order that the pigmasks have implemented. The party fights this masked leader in bouts while exploring the world and reuniting with a now missing Kumatora and Duster, who are found to have settled as employees in a Nightclub called "Club Titiboo".

Eventually, through his travels, Lucas gains an artifact from Mr. Saturn, the inhabitants of a special region in Nowhere called Saturn Valley and which has been passed down through all three Mother games, called the "Franklin Badge". When equipped, this item allows the bearer to become immune to lighting attacks and reflecting them back.

The party soon discovers that the world is inhabited by an special elder race, existant from before the creation of Tazmilly village and who know more about everything going on with the invasion, called the "Magypsies", a race of transexual, magical creatures who help Lucas discover the fact that he has Psychic abilities, also known as "PSI" within the MOTHER canon. He uses these to proceed further in his adventure to pull the seven Golden Needles, the first of which Fassad was attempting to get to, in the Courtyard of Oshoe Castle.

Lucas moves into a city called "New Pork City" in the conclusion of the game, which is a town built by the pigmasks completely in the honor of Porky, full of all sorts of Pigmask paraphernalia and amusement. It is found that the seventh and final needle is inside humongous tower in the middle of the city, the Porky tower.

Moreover, it is also revealed that the Pigmask army is led by Porky, known as "Pokey" in the American localization of Mother 2, Earthbound. Pokey is shown to have developed into a tyrant as an adult, with unlimited lust for blood and power, who used Doctor Andonuts' Phase Distorter after the events of Earthbound to mess around with the unlimited realities and dimensions it gave him access too, as a petulant child does with a video game. Once he got kicked out of every other possible reality due to the chaos he created, he found the Nowhere islands and decided to mess with it.

The climax of the game comes around Chapter 7, when the now fully-developed party runs into Leder, one of the original Tazmillian villagers, a lanky and really tall person who never spoke, not a single word, in the game until now. Leder is revealed to be the only person who knows what is the true nature of it all: tazmilly village is the remanider of civilization once the world of Mother 2 collapsed by cataclysm. A flood wiped away everything and the very last remainder of people who survived fled to nowhere islands in a big white ship and settled there, willingly forfeiting all technological advances and knowledge of the world into the Hummingbird egg, the artifact that Duster's family protected in Oshoe, a device which wiped everyone's memories, with the intent of undoing civilization and living back in a peaceful village-like state again.

It is revealed that when all seven needles are pulled, a supernatural power on which the island is built will be awakened. This supernatural power is revealed to be a Dragon by Leder, who had to be subdued by the ancestors of the Magypsies so people could live in Nowhere islands as their last resort. Whoever pulls out the needles which keep it in slumber will pass the intentions and nature of their heart onto the dragon. Thus, Lucas must be the one who pulls out the last needle instead of Porky or the masked man, in hopes that a second cataclysm like the first doesn't happen again.

After making their way through all the pigmask defenses, Lucas and Co. face off with Porky, who is now a bedridden, pathetic man. Doctor Andonuts from Mother 2, appears here, and is revealed to have developed a solution to contain Porky, the Absolutely Safe Capsule, which is a capsule which once it's sealed, it can never be opened again, trapping whoever is inside forever in a parallel universe where only them exist. The party is successful in locking Porky in the absolutely safe capsule, so, porky is not hurt by the end of mother 3, instead, he just has been locked away forever in a place far away from everyone else --perhaps, providing the ultimate form of comfort that a personality like his would seek after.

At the end of the game, Lucas and Co. face against the masked man, who is revealed to have been Claus all along, who, brainwashed with Pigmask ideologies, is hellbent on drawing out the final needle to awaken the dragon. Lucas and Claus face off in an emotive fight, where they suddenly remember each other and how friendly they used to be with each other... and moreover, their Mother. Claus strikes Lucas with thunder in a final murderous attempt before snapping out of the Pigmask brainwashing. But since he had the Franklin badge on, the attack is reflected and mortally strikes Claus, who, in his final moments, finally remembers Lucas...

The ending of the game is open ended, without showing much of what happened once the seventh dragon needle was released, so the ending of the game is subject to interpretation. However, it is heavily implied that, since Lucas was the one who released the needle, the dragon, once awakened, did not destroy Nowhere islands and instead led to a regeneration of existence.

Part 3. "A Musical-Adventure"

One of the pre-release materials for the game called it a "Musical" adventure, and I think this is completely warranted: the musical beautifulness of Hip Tanaka, famed Nintendo composer and long-time MOTHER music autheur, is joined by the expertise of Shogo Sakai, who gave the soundtrack a more mature, sample-based vibe, compared to the early two more "chiptuney" soundtracks in the series. The songs are all-time favorites of mine, and I still the soundtrack every so often given all of its mystique, its eclectiness and curiosness.

But the musical aspect to the game doesn't stop here: as an addition to the mother series, the battle system has now been changed to become rhythm-game based instead of simply turn based. If the player attacks an enemy during a battle, it is possible to strike additional damage as long as the player continues to press the attack button in rhythm to the background music in upwards of 16 hits. A full combo is incredibly effective and plays a nice fanfare if executed correctly.

As an enthusiast of rhythm games, this premise captivated me from the get-go and it works wonders, functioning as a breath of fresh air to the way overplayed mechanic of turn-based combat, which has existed since the 80s. It also provides a certain nice feeling to combat, given how every character has their personal musical instrument, with lucas being a guitar, Kumatora being an electric guitar, Duster being a bass, and Boney, Lucas' pet, being... barks.

Besides this the mechanics from Mother 2 are translated almost completely: every character has a rolling HP and PP counter, which rolls down over time as an airport display instead of immediately as in other RPGs. This may seem minor, but it adds an amazing element of strategy to the game, since it is possible to recover an ally from mortal damage if a healing PSI is executed against the clock before the counter hits 0.

Besides this you got almost completely conventional standard JRPG fare, with the character being able to move in eight directions in the overworld, with the addition of a run button, preemptive attacks and overpowered kills. Once you start facing enemies in the overworld, the first one to attack can be decided depending on the angle that the enemy was approached with: sneak up on an enemy from behind and a green swirl will display, which means that you get to attack first; if an enemy sneaks behind you, you'll see a red swirl and they will attack first instead. Otherwise, a gray swirl will display, which follows conventional order according to your stats.

Part 4. "WE WANT MOTHER 3, REGGIE!"

...Mother 3 will never be released in America.

This may be too dramatic of an opinion to have but I see no other alternative. For the most of fourteen years, Nintendo of America's head honcho Reggie Fils-Aime was requested to release and distribute the game in the americas, and for twenty years the request fell on deaf ears, citing commercial inviability, potential copyright infringment and many other reasons.

But I think the main reason that the game will never be localized is because Mother 3 was a passion project, pushed for by people with personal involvement in the series and very special sensitivities about it. Shigesato Itoi and Iwata were personal friends. The game appeals to japanese tastes and touches on issues and subjects that the American population is very politically sensitive to.

For example, in chapter 6 Lucas and the party experience a bad trip because they eat hallucinogenic mushrooms in a swamp. This leads to Lucas having visions of his family in a very bad light, with implications of violence and abuse, to try to get at the players' deepest sensitivities. Even the name of the real player is used here.

I think that it's impossible that nintendo will release a game which openly involves Hallucinogenics no matter its innocent exterior. This is the kind of subject in media that Japanese audiences usually handle better than American audiences.

Besides this, the game has very clear allusions to accelerated capitalism, anti-capitalism, colonization, slavery, transexuality and the changes and chaos they have brought onto the world, which is a tough subject to tackle in the Americas, which is still part of an ongoing, vicious culture war.

Particularly, I adore how the game even tries to convey its points through the Sound Test, of all places. Mother 3 has a collection of music pieces, which are available on demand within the game itself. Of those, there's a music piece which is a remix of Pollyanna, the Mother 1 theme, which is present throughout the series, in an nod to the previous games in the series. The hallway where this plays is full with mother references and it expects the player to sit down and watch passively all the references in order.

But this is meta, amazingly enough. The hallway is located in the final section of the game, before facing Porky, who is presented as the effigy of vicious capitalism in the game. As if he left them in his palace just as collectibles, things to be purchased or acquired.

The name of the song which plays during this sequence? "His Majesty's Memories". Subtle.

Nintendo is a company which tries to keep its image clean and sterile, so it can be used broadly for a variety of projects, usually with family friendly intent behind --and even more so in the US.

However, Nintendo has a history of risky bets with Mature content, which has become even more glaring lately: you got Eternal Darkness, Astral Chain, Bayonetta, No More Heroes, the disappointing Metroid Other M... this together with the fact that most of their target audience is of age now, could, at least remotely, mean that, perhaps, Mother 3 releasing in some manner in the future, localized in English, could happen: however, this is not happening at least the way I see it.

Once the game was released, there were several different campaigns online to try to gather Nintendo's attention: a 10k signature strong petition was completed among several other things, and if this hasn't lead to results... I don't know what will.

Part 5. "No Crying Until the End"

Mother 3 is a beautiful, engrossing and captivating game which is hidden away under a cutesy exterior. Its complex themes and characters are evoking of deep human truths which call out to us and ask us to reflect on things and the way we're living. Of strong pedigree in its series and with a superb musical production behind it and a mastermind of writing, MOTHER 3 excels at what it sets out to do.

When the game released, the game had a "Catch Copy" written for it by itoi himself, which called the game "Strange, Funny and Heartrending", and I think this is a beautiful way to bring everything full circle. Itoi wrote on the Advertisement that if you wanted to cry because of Mother 3, you should save it until the end. And those three words are a fantastic way to close off this review: if you want a game that will provide you with bizarre and laugh out loud moments one second and tear-jerkers the next, Mother 3 is the game for you.

And the game is just so poignant... to this date not only do I think it's one of the most expressive and well done pixel-art based game, I still find myself impresse at how much I can connect with the characters through small, cutesy sprites and pastel color pallettes, lack of Unreal engine and RTX graphics card be damned. Themes of grief, missing a loved one who's gone, the feeling of loss of identity due to accelerating social and economical change, how tyrannical political figures establish themselves and change communities, sexual and identity politics and how the modern world was to have shaky and voraginous sexual identities become commonplace... it's all there, and masterfully, tastefully expressed, without that icky feeling of "agenda"ism that you can get sometimes from Hollywood productions when they try to hamfist tropes and "messages" down people's throats. You know that feeling? I hate it when it happens in movies or shows I'm watching just to have a good time, and then I get some succint propaganda.

But MOTHER 3 is a kind beast, trying to reach to your heart and directly speak to the mind of the player. It tries to show us what it thinks of modernity and to make us seriously ponder what the frick is up with all of this shit, and thinking it has kept me for the last 14 years, and I anticipate another 20 ahead of me. And you can join me in reflecting about this...

Or maybe you can just go back to your happy box. Whichever way you choose.

[purplekiwis]

From the Dining Table - Chapter III

Chapter III is here! It’s supposed to be the final chapter, but I’m still feeling kinda icky about the writing in this chapter and the ending, if any of you would like me to keep working on this story please let me know, I’m always happy to get any type of feedback from you. Lots of love to all of you ❤️ Check out the previous chapters: Chapter I | Chapter II Word Count: 6K Warnings: Angst, Cursing, Sexual References Summary: Friends to Lovers; Y/N is a graphic designer working at a small studio in London. She lives a pretty ordinary life, considering she also happens to be friends with an internationally known musician. Which is fine... Until she finds herself having to face the feelings she developed for her friend, who's the last person she expected to fall in love with.

Chapter III - The Comedown

You ended up deciding that the best thing to do would be to call the police and inform them on what had truly happened. Leaving Harry and the band out of it, and pretending like they really hadn’t been there for the whole time the fuss had went down.

Even though Alexa threw a tantrum about it, you could tell she appreciated the fact that she had people there to support her. Besides, deep down, she knew there was no way she would’ve been allowed back there had you told the story she wanted to go for: That she’d had a creative meltdown that resulted in her trashing the studio out of frustration. It sounds quite odd, but the truth is that that version of events would most likely be believable to anyone who happened to be aware of Alexa’s most temperamental side... Although despite being very on brand for her, the tormented artist argument certainly wouldn’t have pleased her fans, nor the management, and much less the studio owners.

The rest of the week went by in the blink of an eye. Next thing you knew it was already Saturday again and you were getting ready for Alexa’s party. Yes, she decided to go through with it regardless of the start of the week’s unfortunate event. She kept it small though, inviting only her closest friends, that made for a considerably small group compared to the usual hundreds of guests that attended her parties.

Y/N put in an extra effort in her outfit that time. Deciding to wear a black floral chiffon dress with sheer details, paired with a pair of plum colored booties, that matched perfectly the shades of the flowers in your dress and the matte lipstick you were wearing. She ended up being one of the first guests to arrive to the house...Not because she wanted to be early, but because Alexa called and begged Y/N to come help her put up some decorations before the party started, since you were used to doing that artsy shit, as she put it. “Damn girl, where’s the rest of the band?” The girl playfully asked as soon as she layed eyes on you.

“What do you mean?” You chuckled at her question. “They won’t be here for a while... You asked me to come early, remember? For the lights...”

“No, I’m not talking about Sarah’s. You know that 70’s band Pussycat? You totally got that vibe going on.” She signaled your dress by drawing a circle in the air with her finger. “Like, a similar sort of indie, effortlessly cool, carefree style.”

“Effortless? Carefree?!” “Not in a sloppy way! In a I don’t even have to try to look this pretty way.”

“Fine, I’ll take it. You look gorgeous. I love that hair on you.” “Thank you, I try…” She shrugged, making a little spin and staring at you from over her shoulder. “Hey, you know who I think will really like your outfit? Your big fat crush.” “Oh, shut it.”

Alexa was right though. Because the first thing Harry did when he arrived was compliment you on your outfit. He was wearing a two piece black suit and LV boots, looking just as amazing as he always did. It got quite annoying, really.

Unlike it happened last time, you were feeling totally relaxed at the party. Maybe it was partly because you were already running with a couple drinks in your system, but mostly, Y/N was pretty sure... was because Harry was in a very chill mood that night, what meant she didn’t have to keep checking on him all the time, since he had been sitting next to her on the couch from the moment he had gotten to Alexa’s. The lot of you had been playing a made-up charades drinking game, because well, let’s face it, there aren't many other games you can play at a party with blasting music on the background... Unless we’re talking beer pong, but that’s just a little too corny for people who are far from being pissed out drunk at university.

Now, the issue with drinking games is that most times, you don’t really notice how drunk you’re getting until it’s already too late to do anything about it... And well… that may have happened to you. All you knew was that one minute you were sitting down, completely sober.... and the next you were losing your mind over the start of Let’s Dance by David Bowie. Luckily Harry was there to share your exhilaration, by grabbing your hand and dragging you to dance with him. At first you were just twirling around and singing your heart out, but when the line “Let’s sway” came in, Harry pulled you into crashing against his chest and jokingly swayed with you around the room that, for unknown reasons, was starting to feel a little too small for your ambitious dance moves. So you kept going down the hallway, somehow making your way into the dining room.

Your giggles were so loud that you could barely make up the music anymore. All you could pay attention to were Harry’s eyes, and how they seemed to swirl you away from reality and into a unknown green paradise where it was only you and him. You couldn’t tell, due to your drunken state but you were fully spacing out inside your head. Allowing for your body move for itself, and for your mind to run wild. When you came back from it, you realized you were no longer swaying... Just hugging and swinging your body to a song by Bread in the middle of Alexa’s empty dining room.

Harry had his hands carefully placed on your hips, your head was buried in his soft chest. You had no idea how long you had been doing this for, but you were enjoying it too much to stop, and apparently so was he.

You only parted your body away from his when the situation became too absurd not to be awkward, in other words, when you cought onto the fact you had been slow dancing to You Spin Me Round, without realizing it. When he felt you pulling away, he gently grabbed your hand and made you do a little spin for him, before letting go of you. “I’m so fucking drunk right now.” You chuckled, burying your face back in his neck.

“Yeah, I know.” You walked towards one of the room’s windows and opened it, leaning your body against the balcony way too confidently for a drunk person, making Harry rush to you and grab your hand to pull you back. “Don’t worry silly, I’m not going to fall.”

“I’m not risking it.” Harry pressed, wrapping his arms around you to pull you closer. His bottom leaned against the dining table, and yours leaned into his lap, not quite sitting in it, just stuck between his arms and legs.

“How could I fall again when I’ve already been falling for so long?” “What did you just say?” He asked, holding you tighter in a playful way.

“Nothing, just forget it.” “You said you’ve been falling? Who’ve you been falling for missy?”

You stared at your feet, playing with the heel of your boot on your toecap to avoid his curious gaze. “No one…”

“Well, I think I know.” He rested his chin on your shoulder, staring at your bashful face with his longing eyes. “I told you I’d figure out your little mystery...”

“Who is it then?” “It’s Alexa, isn’t it?” “What? No! Why would you think that?” You drunkenly scorned, looking at him over your shoulder.

“Let’s see... You coming to her party and vanishing in the middle of the night was super odd… and well, I pulled some strings and found out that apparently, so did she. So, naturally I got suspicious that you two spent the night together. Then, she came and asked me for your number. Adding that to the fact  that you became like great friends from one day to the next, when I know that you used to despise her, it made it pretty clear that there was something fishy going on. Oh! Not to mention the way you jumped to save her from that dickhead. That was some real gay novel shit by the way.” He laughed. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m sure that you two have, at least, a little fling going on.” “Nice try, but you’re... so wrong.” “No way! At least some part of it has to be right…” “It’s not, actually… It couldn’t be further from the truth.” “Right, who is it then?” “You can try to guess, it’s really not that hard…” “Do I know them?” “Yeah…” “But do I know-know them, or just know them?” “You know them very well…” “Is it Sarah?” “No.” “Is it Claire?” “No.” “Is it...” “It’s not a girl.” “Oh, okay… I did not see that one coming.” He scratched the back of his head. “That puts things in a different perspective... So, is it like a boy or is it someone with a different gender?”

“It’s a boy.” “Is he handsome?” “Hmm.. I guess? I would say so, yeah.” “I’m gonna take that as a somewhat… You don’t sound very convinced.” “I mean, if you say so…” You couldn’t help but to laugh at his reasoning. God, is he really that oblivious to the fact that it’s him?

“Is it that guy from your work? I don’t remember his name…”  

“Whoever you’re thinking of, it’s not him.” “So you didn’t meet him at work?” 

“Hm... I guess I kind of did, yeah.” “Is it Mitch?” 

What does Mitch have to do with my work anyway? “No.” “Is it John?”

“Are you serious?” “What? I’m trying… Is it your boss?” “Oh, for fuck’s sake Harry!” In a random act of courage, perhaps even desperation, you jumped off his lap and turned around to face him. Pushing back all the second thoughts, you cupped his face with both your hands and pushed your lips onto his.

He didn’t react at first and you felt his body tensen up. As you were about to pull away and get ready to run, he gave into the kiss, gently caressing your cheek with his thumb as your lips and tongues danced together.

You could feel the blood running wild inside your veins as the kisses became tougher and the mood got steamier. His hands now dived into the folds of your dress, pulling you closer onto his lap. You felt the grip of his hands on your bum as he turned you around so you were the one sitting on the table. His hands moved up and down your thighs, dragging the fabric of your dress along, until it rested on your hips, as he inserted his body in between your legs.

Your hands were all over him, and his were all over you.

You could feel the thrill of it all over you, but the pulsation was definitely predominant and harder to bear in your core, and you could tell he felt the same way when he unwittingly began grinding his hips against edge of the table, desperate for any type of friction he could get.

You grabbed him by the waist and pulled him closer to where your body craved him the most, simultaniously pushing yourself further off the table, to facilitate the access. “Y/N... we shouldn’t. We can’t.” The boy mumbled, eyes closed and body still glued to yours.

You chose to ignore his apprehension, placing kisses on his jawline and down to his neck to keep him going and assure him that you were fine with whatever it was that you were doing, and you could feel him begin to melt into them. “Stop.” He spoke in a harsher tone, talking more to himself than to you as he pushed himself away. “This is wrong.”

“Was it something I did?” “No, it’s not you! It’s just… We’re gonna regret this tomorrow.”

“I won’t”

“Y/N… You’re drunk.”

“I would want this just as much if I was sober.”

“Don’t say that.”

You fell into a silence, but unlike it usually happened between you, the silence was far from confortable, it was deafening. “I’m guessing you don’t feel the same…”

“I...I don’t know…” “It would be easier if you just said you don’t, I can take it.” “Yeah, um... This is…fuck, I don’t know what to say. I never thought about you like that before, we’ve always just been friends.”

“I know, but... You’re right. This was stupid.” You mumbled. You got up in a jump and fixed your dress, trying your hardest to fight back the tears that threatned to escape, you turned your back to him and began walking towards the door. “Where are you going?” He asked.

“Home, Harry.” “But... Seriously? You’re just going to run away?!” “No, I just… I don’t think I can do this right now.” “I’m sorry, you’re right... I get it. It’s a lot and... I’ll come by your house tomorrow so we can talk better, alright?” “I don’t  think that will be necessary. Actually, can we just forget that this ever happened?” “Y/N, it’s okay that you can’t do it right now... but we need to talk.” “It’s fine, Harry. I don’t know what came over me, just let it go.” You felt a tear rolling down your cheek and wiped it away, but you were not quick enough for him not to notice it.

“Hey, hey, hey… Look at me. Please don’t cry.“ He rushed to you, but you held out your hand to urge him to stop. “It’s fine.”

“No it’s not…” “Just forget it, okay? This was stupid, I was stupid.” “Don’t say that.” “It’s true Harry, this was… fuck.” – You attempted to wipe the tears away, but they just kept on coming and you could barely talk anymore due to the clog you felt on your throat.

“I’m so sorry… I never meant to hurt you.” You turned your back to him and ran out of the dining room, stopping past the living room to quickly grab your belongings. You briefly looked towards the sofa where your friends were and met Alexa’s expectant gaze, her facial expression encouraged you to come over, but you just shook your head disappointedly. She deduced what the reason behind your sadness was and got up form the sofa to come comfort you. A pityful frown was drawn on her tinted lips.

You heard Harry’s voice calling your name from the hallway and impulsively ran out the front door, leaving both of them behind on the porch screaming for you to come back, but you didn’t.

You knew it was stupid and irresponsible to drive while you were drunk, but you just couldn’t care, you were too overwhelmed to give a damn about anything other than the devastating feelings you felt over your entire body.

Sadness, hopelessness, shame, pain.  

And god, you hated him.

You hated him for being so gentle, so kind, so polite.

You wished he would’ve taken advantage of you while you were drunk, you wished he would’ve laughed in your face or made you feel stupid, because that would’ve given you a reason to never want to talk to him again. But he didn’t, if anything he’d just given you a reason to love him more.

And it was agonizing... To think about his kisses, because you knew you’d never taste them again.

To hear him say he was sorry for hurting you, because you knew he meant it.

To know he was perfect, because you knew he would never be yours.

After that night, he tried to contact you multiple times, through texts, calls, voicemails… but you never answered. You never meant to avoid him, but you just didn’t have the strenght in you to finish the conversation that unnevitably was going to leave you even more heartbroken.

Days of silence turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, somewhere in the middle he stopped trying to reach you, and you didn’t blame him for it. What was he supposed to do anyway?

Sometimes you would ask Alexa about him, to make sure he was okay. Apparently he was doing great, his first solo album was about to come out and he already had a world tour planned for the next year.

Sometimes you wanted to call and tell him you still loved him and that were proud of him. But how could you?    So you didn’t, and you didn’t show up at his launch party, even though you still got an invitation for it in your e-mail. How come he still wanted you there after what you’d done to him?

Even though you weren’t there to celebrate with him, you got the album on the day it came out. You bought the physical one, so you could see pictures of him as you listened. You must’ve really hate yourself to think that was a good idea, but you weren’t going to waste an opportunity to look at pictures of him without feeling guilty...

The day you picked up the album was actually a work day, what resulted in you listening to the CD while at work, because you were too impatient to wait to get home. You decided you would save the pictures for later though, for when you could suffer and beat yourself up in peace inside the four walls of your bedroom.

From the moment you started playing it, you were over the moon with it. You’d always known how talented he was, but the music was unbelievably good and even though you’d gotten to listen to some snippets that he showed you, nothing could describe the feeling you felt when listening to it all come together in the most amazing way possible.  

While you inspected the copy in your hands, your eyes froze on the title of the last track - “From the Dining Table”. It was an odd song title and you didn’t remember him ever playing you that song. It also reminded you of the moment you shared at Alexa’s house and your stomach flipped, causing you to shrunk in your chair. You tried to push the thought to the back of your mind but it kept wondering... What if he really wrote about that?

You knew it was a long shot and that it obviously hadn’t been that big of a deal for him, at least not to the point where he would write a song about it, but your heart was pumping and your mind was racing to the thought that maybe, just maybe... Well, there’s only one way to find out. You skipped to the last song.

“Woke up alone in this hotel room, Played with myself, where were you? Fell back to sleep, I got drunk by noon I’ve never felt less cool.”

To the sound of his lyrics, your heart was filled by disappointment. Even though you told yourself you were already setting up to get your expectations crushed, apparently you were still naive enough to think that it could be about you. “We haven’t spoke since you went away Comfortable silence is so overrated Why won’t you ever be the first one to break? Even my phone misses your call, by the way.”

Okay, but that could be about anyone else…

“I saw your friend that you know from work He said you feel just fine I see you gave him my old t-shirt More of what was once mine I see it’s written, it’s all over his face Comfortable silence is so overrated Why won’t you ever say what you wanna say? Even my phone misses your call, by the way.”

You dropped the album cover out of shock as the memories came flying by.

A few weeks prior you had found out that your co-worker Alfie had the same shirt Harry gifted you because you’d seen him wearing it around the studio one time. You also remembered that not long after the party, Alfie had been bragging about running into Y/N’s famous friend, as he called him, in the grocery store and how he had complimented his shirt... But you didn’t think much of it, guessing that it was just Harry trying to make small conversation. Somehow you never put two and two together, until now.      “Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too, But you, you never do”  

You couldn’t argue with that. He was right in his words.          

“Woke up the girl who looked just like you I almost said your name We haven’t spoke since you went away Comfortable silence is so overrated Why won’t you ever say what you want to say? Even my phone misses your call, by the way.”

During the time period you were apart, it never crossed your mind that he might be hurting as well. You just assumed that he was doing fine and that your absence didn’t bother him, and yet apparently, he missed you. He missed you enough to write a song about you and put it in his album.        

You wished you could turn back time and give him a chance to speak his mind about what had happened. You wished you’d stayed when he called you from the hallway instead of running away like you always did when things got complicated.

You didn’t even realize that you were crying until someone tapped you in the shoulder to ask if you were okay. “Actually, no. I think I made a huge mistake.” You pulled off your earphones and shut yout laptop. “I need to go get some air... If Charles asks for me, just tell him I went outside for a call.” You told your coworker, before pushing yourself off your chair and heading towards the door. 

You had been pacing around on the sidewalk for the past five minutes with your eyes stuck to your phone, ocasionally bumping onto passengers on the street. Some of them scoffed when you didn’t make a move to dodge them, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care enough to even apologize.

Your whole body felt numb other than the tight knot you felt on your stomach, begging to be released.

Without giving it a second thought, you went through your contacts and pressed Harry’s number. You had no idea about what you were about to say to him, all you knew was that you needed to listen to his voice. You needed to talk to him, even if that meant that you were going to have to face your biggest fear. “Hello.” His voice came out apprehensive... As if he was wondering if you’d accidently called the wrong number. It made your heart clench. How did you ever let it get to this point?

“I did not give him your shirt, you moron!” “Uh… Okay?” He seemed confused by the way you had decided to start this conversation, and honestly, so were you. “I’m guessing you listened to my song…?” “Yes I did!” “Well, what did you think?” “ I’m so proud of you! Your album is amazing, and... I’m so sorry I didn’t go to your party, I- also I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry! I was childish and stupid and...”

“Wow, wow, wow… Slow down.” “I’m sorry.” You apologized again. “You probably don’t even want to be talking to me right now...” “I do.” “You do?” “If I didn’t I wouldn’t have picked up the call, don’t you think?” “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” “But hmm... before anything else, I hope you’re aware that there’s a pending conversation that we still need to have...” “Yeah, I know…” “Where are you right now?” “I’m at work.” “You’re calling me from work?” “No, I’m outside, I dodged so I could call you.”   “Oh, I must be really important then..” You rolled your eyes a little at the provocation, even though he wasn’t there see you. “Do you want to meet after work? So we can talk properly? I don’t like to have serious conversations on the phone, besides, I don’t want you to get in trouble at work because of me...Again.” “Well, at least we’re not stealing anything this time, right? Where do you wanna meet?” “Hmm… Do you wanna come by the studio after work?” “What are you doing at the studio? You just released an album, you should be at home! ...Sleeping, celebrating, fucking someone... I don’t know, living life!” He laughed a bit at the question. “I guess I’m so used to being here all the time that my body naturally just started to assume that this is where I live now.”

“Have I ever told you how much of an unbelievably peculiar person you are?” The studio wasn’t too far from work to you. So you figured you would be best just walking there. Part of you was nervous, but the relief that you felt in knowing that you were going to see Harry again, turned the prospect of having this overdue conversation into something mildly pleasant. You were expecting Harry to have company with him, so you were surprised when you got to the door and noticed he was alone. Immersed in his notebook while playing cords in his guitar. Y/N stalled herself for a minute by the door, taking a moment to admire him. He looked so beautiful and fascinating when he was focused on his work that it effortlessly triggered your heart into pumping harder on your chest. How come someone so pure could make you hurt so bad?

He stopped whatever song he was playing for a second, bending down over his stomach a little to check the notebook perched on the table, and you took the chance to knock on the door. Carefully opening it with a soft smile painted on your lips.

“Oh! Hey you...” He greeted when his eyes recognized the face peeking at him. His lips were smiling, but you could tell he was reluctant about getting up to come greet you with a hug like he always did, so you just made the first move, walking over and squeezing him in your arms.

You felt his body relax under your hold. The realization that he didn’t mind your affection made your lips part into a relieved sigh. Both of you longed for the hug for a little longer than usual, in a silent way of letting eachother know that, no matter what had happened prior, everything was going to be alright.

He sat down and you followed, sitting on the other end of the couch. You began catching up with eachother, talking mostly about Harry’s album and having meaningless conversations. You could feel the tension in the air, and you knew he felt it too, since both of you had, not so discretly, been avoiding letting the silence settle in, but there was only so much you could talk about, and eventually you fell into an heavy silence.

Just as you were about to adress the subject that you had so desperately been trying to avoid, he spoke. “Do you wanna come see the new rooftop? It’s really nice up there.”

You nodded, not knowing if he was attempting to delay the awkward natured conversation or if he was genuinly that eager to show you the furniture they had up there. Either way, you didn’t mind the change in the scenario, and you definitely appreaciated the feel of the wind in your face, aliviating the feeling of heavyness you felt inside the room. “It really does look nice up here.” You observed as you took a look around yourself, finding comfort in the background noise of the never ending traffic happening just a couple of meters below.

“Be careful where you step though, don’t want you slipping on my vomit.”

“That was ages ago! I’m sure it’s all gone by now...”

“Yeah, you’re right… time does fly, doesn’t it?” He sat in one of the plastic chairs near the edge of the building. You answered with a nod and remained standing, taking in the view of the sun setting in the horizon. “Come here for a second.” The boy asked, pulling one of the plastic chairs from the table, so you could sit next to him.

“Oh boy... This is it, isn’t it? Serious conversation time?” You tried to lighten the sudden serious atmosphere by poking fun of it, sitting down and patting at your own knee with your finger, to avoid looking directly at the boy sitting beside you.

“I think so... Unless you’re about to run from me again.” Harry darted back, but his tone remained calm, with a light playfulness to it even.

“I won’t.” “Good.” He assented with a nod. “So... How ‘ave you been feeling?” “I’m okay... ‘Could be worse. You?” “I mean, career wise and stuff, it’s been great. Can’t complain. But uh... In other matters, ’ve been kinda miserable since that day, you know?” “Because of what we did?” “That’s part of it, yeah. But also...” You interrupted before you could finish. “I ruined our friendship didn’t I? God... It was so stupid, I’m sorry.” “No, it’s not like that at all... And it wasn’t stupid.” He took a big breath before daring to speak again. “I liked it, actually.” You lifted your eyes to look at him, only to realize that now it was him who was staring at his own feet. “What? Are you serious?”

“Yeah...” Harry squinted his eyes and looked at you with a smirk.  “I don’t know what kind of spell you put on me, but it worked... Got me fucked, absolutely fucked.”

“I didn’t do anything eerie, I swear.” “Are you sure? You sounded a bit guilty there.” “I can't even make a decent soup... You really think I could muster making a love potion to give you that didn't come out completely the other way around? I’m flattered, but no.” Both of you allowed for the humorous notes to linger in the air for a while, whilst you prepared to ask the next question. “Do you regret that it happened?” “No, I don’t.” Harry replied easily. “I regret that I let you get away after, though.” “I also regret going away...” “When I called you from the hallway, I was going to ask you to stay...” “You were?” “Yeah,” He laughed at your surprised state. “But going back now, I think that it was a good thing that we had time to think about stuff... Maybe if you’d stayed we’d end up rushing into things.” “I still think it was unfair what I did to you. I was a coward, I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of my own actions, so I ran and left you to deal with it all alone... When the problem wasn’t even yours in the first place.” “It’s fine... seriously.” He took the opportunity to hold your hand in between his, caressing the back of it with his thumbs. “What matters most is that you’re here now, and trying to fix it.”  You placed your other hand on top of his, just so you could caress his skin as well. He gave you a smile, not making a single move to pull away from the intimate moment. “So you’re not mad at me?”

“Oh, I’m fucking pissed at you.” “I don’t blame you, I would too if I was you.” “No you wouldn’t. You’re a softie, you don’t know how to get angry at people.” “I hate that you know that. Can never keep anything from you, can I?” “I think you can. I didn’t know you liked boys, for example...” “I don’t. Usually...” Your first reply came out as quick as a flash. “Guess you’re that special, huh?” “Careful, there. Might get big-headed...” You smiled a little at his words. “So… that means you still feel the same, you know, about me?”

“Yeah, I- I guess I do.” Your answer came out shy, almost like a spoken exhale. “What about you?” You shifted the direction of the conversation before the unavoidable feeling of pity you were expecting could take over Harry’s features. “Have you been seeing someone?” “Hmm… I don’t think it’s a good idea to discuss my love life with you now...” “We’re still friends Harry. We can talk about it, just leave out the gory details.” “So... there’s this girl…” He eased in slowly. “She’s a bit of a nightmare, if I’m honest... But at the same time, she’s also one of the best people I’ve ever known, you know? And I think I really like her... But there’s a part of me that’s scared of taking the next step and asking her out because, well... It’s a little complicated.” “How does she feel about you?” “That’s the thing, I don’t know. I’m assuming she likes me because of the way she acts with me, but she never really uses her words, so...” “So you guys have been sort of dating, is that it...?” “No, it was just a one time thing. I was planning on asking her out, but I never got to do it after all...” “I think you should. There’s only one way to find out if she likes you or not. Take your chance while you can... Don’t be like me, you know?” “You know what? You’re right. I think I’m gonna do it.” He said, getting up from his seat in a jump and grabbing the phone in his pocket.

“Oh. You’re gonna do it right now?” “I was. Do you mind it? I can always do it later…”

“No, no. It’s fine, go ahead. The sooner the better, I suppose.” At that, he walked away from you... And you thanked God beause you felt like you were about to combust under your clothes at how insensitive he was being! Couldn’t he sense that you were dying on the inside? You knew he didn’t mean to make you feel like shit... He was just being casual spontaneous Harry but fuck, it was too soon for this crap!

Harry was pacing around the rooftop while looking through his contacts, making sure to keep a large distance between the both of you, just so you couldn’t listen to his conversation. He took the device to his ear, sparing you a curious look as he did so. When he noticed your eyebrows raising inquisitively, he just grinned and flashed you his thumb. You were trying to figure out the meaning behind the gesture, when you felt your phone start to vibrate inside your pocket, shaking your head when you saw the name displayed on the screen. You chose to pick up the call, trying to poke fun at him. “Wrong number!” You said, expecting nothing but for him to tilt his head back with a smile from his side of the roof before pressing decline and searching for the right contact.

“Sorry, what was that?” “You’re calling me, idiot. Y/N, the one who’s right behind you.” “Yeah, I know. I’ve been meaning to call you for a bit...” “What are you on ab-?” You still managed to question before realization finally kicked in. “Oh.” You exclaimed, still a little flabbergasted. “Was that about me? Am I... her?” “Yeah, look... Like I was saying, I’ve been meaning to call ‘cause I wanted to ask if you would you like to go out on a date sometime...” “Couldn’t you just invite me like a normal fucking person?” “I could... but where’s the fun in that?” He asked back, sparing you a brief look as he walked from side to side across the roof’s open space. Still a little far from where you were sat. “So, what do you say?” “Yes, I would like to go out with you.” “She said yes!” He shouted at the sky, before dropping to his knees in a theatrical way whilst fisting the air in celebration.

“You’re an exhibitionist prick.” “Am I? I thought you liked it.” He asked, finally turning his attention to you and giving you a cocky stare.

“Just come over here and kiss me already.” You concluded, hanging up the call at last, knowing he would come walking over as soon as you did. Almost exactly as you had forecasted, you watched your friend stuff his phone back in his pocket and pacing back towards the chairs with a stupid grin on his face before he bent down over his knees right in front of you.

“Hi.” He smiled. “Hi.” You brushed your noses together, trying to hide the silly smile painted on your face but failing miserably.

Harry leaned in at the gesture, placing a light peck over your lips before pulling away. He kept his nose and lips brushing softly into yours. The push and pull game was driving you mad... Even though you knew he was doing it to tease you on purpose, your eagerness made it impossible for you to resist going after what you wanted. You caved in, pulling him by the collar for a proper kiss. But before you could close the short distance, Harry got up and pulled you up from the chair by your waist, so that you were both standing.

He kissed you, then. Soft and slow at first… but it wasn’t long until the desire took over the both of you and you found yourselves rushing down the stairs back to the studio, making out against practically every wall you came across in the process.

You couldn’t put together when exactly one of you had decided to go back downstairs, let alone which one of you was the leader or follower, but the harshness in the way you were pressing against each other made it clear that both of you had the same thing on your mind.

Between the groping and the wet kisses you lost track of where you were going, only realizing you were back on the place you had started when you felt your back press up against the door knob of the studio’s rented room. You reached behind and opened it, allowing Harry to lock the door and lead your body to where he wanted it. He turned both of you around and sat on the sofa, pulling you by the back so that you sat on his lap.

Almost unconsciously, you began grinding your hips against his thigh, feeling his body begin to stiffen under you. His warm hands slid from the small of your back down to your bottom, caressing your ass over your jeans before giving a sudden tug to pull you closer, so you were positioned right atop of his lenght, causing you to squirm a little.

Your lips began to wonder down his jaw then, placing gente kisses and sucks until you noticed his sped up heatbeat over the larger vein of his neck. The way his breathing was starting to sound all hot and heavy only led you on more... As you grinded your hips again his, now clearly visible, bump.  Harry hissed at the contact, curling his fingers around your hips and tugging to keep you rubbing on him for a while. But it wasn’t enough. He could tell you needed more, judging by the small gasps and hums you were letting out for him, and he was more than happy to keep prodding them on. “Wanna take care of you.” The boy confeesed, moving his hands from your back to your front, and wasting no time before undoing the button and the zipper of your dark colored jeans. “Will you let me?” “Yes, I want you to...” You admitted. “but...”  “You’re nervous, aren’t you?” He guessed.

“A little…yeah.” You buried your face in his neck to hide your embarassment.

“It’s okay love, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.” He cupped your face, placing a gentle kiss on your lips.

“I know, it’s just…” “Is it because of my…” He looks down at his own lap. “You know.“

“No, Harry, I’m not scared of your dick if that’s what you’re thinking...” “What is it then?” “I’ve never, you know… did it with a guy before.” “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, okay? We don’t even have to do anything at all.” “But I want to. It’s just, what if I’m not good at it?” “We’ll take it slow, start with the basics and we’ll go on from that, okay? I’ll be here for you and you’ll be here for me. We all like different stuff, it’s not like there’s a guide for it, I’ll learn what you like and you’ll learn what I like... This is new for me too.” “Yeah, right…” You scoffed.

“Not everyone likes the same stuff… It’s always new when the partner changes, it doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a girl, of course some things are a little different but we’re all human, right?”  “Okay, I guess you’re right.” “I’m always right.” “You’re gonna get cocky on me now?” His eyes lit up once he opened his mouth to speak. You could tell he was about to make a filthy pun about his cock. “Don’t you dare saying it.” You playfully warned, pressing a finger to his lips.

“Better hurry to shut me up then, or I might not be able to hold myself.”

[glenngaylord]

Style Over Substance Abuse - Film Review: Cherry ★★1/2

Some filmmakers start out small and dream of hitting the big time with a major studio contract.  Once they’ve reached that pinnacle, which would no doubt have included great compromise and a whittling away of their authentic voices, some dream of scaling back and making a little indie. Take the Russo Brothers, Joe and Anthony, for example.  This Cleveland duo started out their feature directing careers with such little seen low-budget works as Pieces and Welcome To Collinwood.  They rose through the ranks and have now made the most successful box office film to date with Avengers: End Game. With what seems like a drive to return to their Ohio roots, they’ve made Cherry, based on Nico Walker’s semi-autobiographical novel and adapted by their sister Angela Russo-Otstot and Jessica Goldberg.

The trouble is, this 15 years spanning story of a young college dropout who reacts to getting dumped by his girlfriend by becoming an Army medic, returns home with severe PTSD, develops an addiction to opioids, and resorts to robbing banks to feed the beast, does not play out as an intimate little Sundance gem. It’s as if the Russos told the studios, “We’ve made you ALL the money, so now let us use ALL of the toys to make something meaningful.” Now don’t get me wrong, Cherry is a stunning looking film. Every shot has boldness, life, and energy. The production design, the early aughts period detail, even the look of its Cleveland streets are all eye-popping. As a person who grew up near Cleveland, I can attest to its perfectly captured brown brick/grey skies aesthetic.  Despite its epic, nearly 2 1/2 hour running time, it never drags. Tom Holland and his incredible costars shine. You could watch this film without sound and think it’s the most cinematic, perfect movie you’ve ever seen.

So what’s the problem? It’s all just too much. Playing like a “Greatest Hits” mashup of Goodfellas, Full Metal Jacket, Zero Dark Thirty, Trainspotting, and Dog Day Afternoon, to name a few, Cherry goes big, but doesn’t go home. Using impressionism, surrealism, varying aspect ratios, voiceovers, bold chyron messaging, and every type of drone, dolly, and crane possible, we don’t so much as get inside our main character’s head as watch it explode all over the screen. It’s certainly a valid approach, and it sets it apart from so many uninspired independent films of its ilk, but it results in holding its emotional resonance at a distance.  You may chuckle when our unnamed lead character, nicknamed “Cherry”, robs banks called Shitty One or Capitalist None, but it feels like showing off instead of making us really feel for the human beings at its center. At its core, this film wants to tackle the very serious subject of addiction, yet the style gets in the way.  One of my favorite films on the topic, Sid And Nancy, had one flight of fancy in which the title characters kissed in an alley as garbage fell down on them from the sky, but kept things mostly real otherwise. Cherry is 141 minutes of garbage falling down from the sky.

Again, that may sound harsh, but I don’t blame the Russo Brothers for wanting to strut their stuff. They clearly have talent, and I’d love to see a film in which they learned to calm the fuck down. They certainly get great work from their cast. Tom Holland gives a heartbreaking, intimate performance filled with such vulnerability that you wish the camera would stop swooshing around him long enough for us to experience his great empathy better. Same goes for Ciara Bravo as his girlfriend who goes way down the rabbit hole of addiction with him. She starts out as your standard issue manic pixie dream girl only to erupt into palpable ferocity as things grow dire. Jack Raynor brings some much-needed comic relief as their preppy drug dealer known only as “Pills & Coke”.

The film keeps raising the question of whether or not Holland’s character deserves to have friends, a partner, love. It’s one we’ve seen before in films about addicts, yet this one stumbles badly in its final act, which amounts to a yadda-yadda montage during an incredibly important transition for our lead, only to dump him out the other side of it with an oddly tone-deaf, treacly  final moment. They would have earned those final few seconds had we not been subjected to a decade-long chapter distilled into a few minutes of screen time. You’ll want to yell, “Run!” to someone onscreen instead of thinking, “Awwwwww”

[hempgaming712]

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