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kwangyanese · 30 days ago

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ugh lemme get this off my chest

i came back to kpop in 2020, i had left around 2014 because the first group i was interested in (exo) was losing member after member and the fandom had split and it was just a horrible experience so i didn't want to be part of it anymore. coincidentally when i came back in 2020 aespa debuted and 2 members were added to nct (sungtaro).

i had grown fond of nct that year and i liked those 2 very much, and aespa was the first gg that i was extremely interested in from the get-go as well (in a very unhealthy way btw). the short time i was a fan of kpop as a teenager was not nearly as convulated as the one i'm experiencing now as an adult lol. just the fact that i was able to drop kpop for almost 6 years as a teen only to be brought back bc of the pandemic. the thing is even tho i liked exo very much (i still do), it was never to the point where it'd be considered parasocial. i think i only got to experience Real Parasocial and Emotional Dependence when i started to like aespa.

i think that made me realize that i was unable to care about men (especially men that i DIDNT know) in the same 'deep' and insane way that i could love women that i didn't know. anyway my point is i always saw men as objects even back when i was a teenager. especially idols. i know that it's a image they try to sell and if by chance we get to see a real human emotion then that's a plus. for me it always went down to either pretty or talented men singing and dancing and that was it. strong deep ties between them was beautiful to watch but i was always aware that i didn't know them thus i could not trust them.

what hooked me abt sungtaro was mostly bc im a contrarian and a lot of ppl were hating on them back then lol but with time i genuinely enjoyed their dynamics - sungchan's rookie mistakes and charms versus shotaro's professionalism as a dancer and lostness in being in a country he wasn't familiar with and a language he didn't speak. the two of them had it pretty rough in the beginning and i love a underdog. they barely got any activities as it was and they stayed in a limbo since they didn't have a fixed unit. it felt genuinely freshing and like things were actually gonna work out for them when smrookies (shohei, eunseok and seunghan) showed up.

theeeeeen lee sooman was removed and all plans went to shit. not only had we lost the man who knew and created the kwangya lore (which was one of the things i liked the most about aespa) but also the man who was holding sm up by its fingertips lol. yes he was committing multiple crimes while doing so but at least he would never treat or manage groups like the new management bc the mistakes they are doing now are the mistakes he did 10 years ago (and hopefully learned from lol). riize was gonna go wrong from the very beginning. first of all removing sungtaro from nct was such a dumb move. they had finally grown an actual fanbase there but the semi-good thing was that some nctzens also became briizes lol. we had lost shohei to his injury but at least we had eunseok and seunghan who we already knew had great synergy w sungtaro plus 3 new guys. center 5 tried to promote them as global group of young men who were hip and relatable in the beginning, relying mostly on their contact w fans online. i have no idea why they published that manhwa, literally no one asked for it neither was it interesting or continued. then when they released siren everybody was confused on why would they remove these guys from nct just to make them do a nct-esque song.

i think that's where the issues started. their concept was too vague. but luckily they were received well both in and out of korea which was their initial goal. all in this mean time there's already leaks happening, but as far as i rmr the reaction in the beginning wasn't so bad, the fandom wasnt that tight yet. so center 5 decides the FANS get to choose the fandom name, so we do: sunz. i rmr thinking it was ugly and that just sun was better but at least it wasn't briize. then out of nowhere the kfans start saying that actually sunz is EXTREMELY offensive because of the political connotations of rising sun (mind you, my first thought was sun+riize. and MIND YOU again, riize performed a song called rising sun not long after) with japan's colonization. so not even days later, center 5 says that they decided to change the fandom name to briize.

that was probably the first time kfans threw a tantrum and got their way, and center 5 showed they have no backbone lol. i shouldve realized at that point it would be a waste of time to be a part of this fandom (and for a LONG time i said i wasnt).

the thing is it happened again and again. whatever the kfans didn't like, center 5 would change (dates, designs, the lightstick). what kind of dumb ass +20 year old company changes stances again and again to please a small group of whiny people? the only explanation was the lack of experience of the new management. all people involved in working with riize rn have no experience at all and they just follow the flow of local fans.

by that point seunghan was already in hiatus because some briizes (both kfans and ifans) were pissed at him and harassed him until he was too emotionally unstable to stand on stage, and that's when the fandom split between people who thought he shouldn't be put in hiatus for what he did and the people who thought he should be removed.

i'm not korean or asian so i'll never in my life be able to understand or relate to believing that idols should be perfect human beings who are not allowed to drink or to go out or to have sex or to date and if they aren't perfect or pure then they shouldn't be an idol. an idol for me is someone pretty or talented who sings and dances and does it well, that's it. as long as they aren't harming someone behind the scenes then i don't care about their personal life. i understand that it's a cultural thing but it will never make sense to me. and i'm sure there must be many asian fans who don't think that way.

when seunghan got in hiatus the first reaction of ot7s was to say that it's okay for him to take time off and that they would wait for him while ot6s were just happy that he wasn't there, that his 'impurity' wasn't staining the other's 'purity' and that riize's 'image' would finally get better. the members didn't say anything about it. seunghan posted an apology and center 5 said they would handle whoever was exposing his personal life and all people who were harassing him.

and yet, not even days after, they started removing him from riize content. removed him from videos, from photoshoots, from merchandise and from songs. that's when ot7s caught up that there was something wrong and that this wasn't a simple hiatus, and that's when the ot7 protests started (where they would either comment "riize is 7" in sns or scream it, although only ifans out of asia had the balls to actually scream). ot6s where simply just annoyed at this and said that it was unnecessary and it would make the other members uncomfortable. this split the fandom even further, and ot6s would blame genuinely every little thing that went wrong with the fandom or with the members on seunghan (and his fans), in a way to ostracize them even further.

riize was probably ordered to not mention him by name, because they didn't do it for 10 months. there were a lot of comments about seunghan in the beginning that they obviously couldnt answer so they just ignored it all until they broke off communication w fans and would only return to semi-normal interactions after most of the ot7s had dropped riize and the seunghan protests were dying down. at the very beginning we only got a live of the 6 of them looking miserable because seunghan was harassed until he was in hiatus and now some ppl were trying to throw eunseok, anton and sohee under the bus (if i remember correctly it was: eunseok bc he had a gf and was drinking, anton bc he had a gf and sohee because he drank and went to clubs and was too affectionate with a friend). all they did was ask for fans to not believe the rumors (bc ppl were extrapolating what they had done) and that they would be okay. it was very obvious they were all distraught and upset even tho they tried to play it off as another normal live.

in the meantime, sm did absolutely nothing. literally nothing. ignored all the calls and e-mails and reports and projects ot7s did just to KNOW if seunghan was okay and when he would come back and that it would be fine for him to do so. they didn't do anything to people who were harassing seunghan, if anything they allowed them to get worse. so now there's a lot of akgaes.

one of the reasons i think sm ignored it all is bc MOST ot7s were still watching, listening, buying and supporting riize as 6. one of the 1st things some ot7s planned was to boycott sm and riize until seunghan came back. i did my part, i never bought anything from riize, i pirated their content and never supported them as 6 🤷‍♂️. there is literally no point in screaming riize is 7 to staff who has no power over it after you already bought the damn ticket to the show. do it in front of the building, do it in any free show riize attends, do it in coferences that center 5 higher ups go to, have the balls to say it to riize personally and let them know you support them as 7 lol. just don't give sm money. the thing is most korean ot7s are fucking cowards and they never did anything for seunghan other than write notes in the billboards people bought for him. and i think that lack of action got korean ot6s too comfortable, because they were the majority in all korean events and knew ot7s would do nothing.

so imagine their shock now 10 months later after all this time of inaction, out of nowhere, riize posts a statement saying seunghan will be back, and seunghan posts ANOTHER apology for what he did. mind you, not even hours before, dispatch posted an article saying he had left riize. ot6s went from celebrating to being absolutely livid. they start boycotting and harassing all of riize.

to make matters worse, wonbin (the most popular, the one who has the most akgaes and has the most fans who are anti-seunghan), like 30 mins before going on stage in madrid, posts on weverse defending their choice to bring seunghan back and APOLOGIZING for making briize mad. so now kbriizes think sm FORCED him to do it, and they bring all their anger back on seunghan, bc they believe sm is using wonbin as a shield and that they'll try use other members as well. this is right around the time they start mass buying funeral wreaths and sending them to the park in front of sm. the phrases on them vary from jokes to actual threats, but all are addressed to seunghan. riize is still in madrid (and right before they went on, there's was a riize is 7 chant) and seunghan is by himself in seoul. someone posts a video of seunghan walking thru the hundreds of funeral wreaths in front of sm alone, and later someone posts pictures that he went to the billboards with support messages. the next morning we get the news he decided to leave riize for good.

the way that they treated him is simply inhumane. and such a lack of professionalism. how dare such a big company go back on their word over and over and not do the basic thing that is protect their artist. they literally let him walk ALONE through HUNDREDS of funeral wreaths with HIS NAME. he's just 21!!!!!!!!!!!! do you know how insane it would be to walk through your own funeral!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to lose your career and to be ostracized by your own fandom for something so fucking stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they have been threatening his life since LAST YEAR and watching and judging his every move!!!!!!!!!!! they want him to repent thru their terms and they're mad he's not whipping himself in front of them!!!!!!!!! he couldn't go out to help his friends, he couldn't want to attend umiversity, he couldn't go to restaurants, he couldn't go on shows. they would constantly remind him how he needed to be repenting like he was a criminal!!!!!!!!! i think that's why they did something so radical, they wanted to break his spirit, and they did.

riize wasn't even there to support him thru it. when the statement came out, they were on the plane back to korea. there was no way center 5 thought that bringing seunghan back into riize was a decision they made as a whole, but deciding to remove him again was something that seunghan could decide on his own after having witnessed such a horrific thing with no support system. if anything, all the suddenness of this points to something else. maybe center 5 had already decided they would remove him, but wanted to do one last cruel thing to him and riize, just to be sure that they would keep the insane fans who gives them money, and hope the fans who cared about seunghan will stop caring now.

but you see this thing will blow up in their faces. because kbriizes are simply never satisfied. they'll target one member after the other (they already are doing that). and now whatever little connection riize had with briizes was severed. they saw with their own eyes all those funeral wreathes. they saw their own company go back on a decision they all had made. they saw the fans who they had build a relationship for over a year turn back on them just to remove their friend and co worker, for things they have also done. so they KNOW their neck could be on the line next. they KNOW the fans they have genuinely don't give a single fuck about their words or feelings or passion. and the company just sent them on their next event on japan, so they'll have to face all the fans that did this without even having time to rest and think, because sm booked them from oct 15 to oct 20.

and to be quite honest, i wasn't even ride or die for seunghan like that. my focus on riize was simply bc i enjoyed and biased sungtaro, i liked seunghan and eunseok only bc i was already familiar with them. from the moment they removed seunghan from content, and especially when they removed him from siren, i knew he wasn't coming back. sm literally have never done anything like that. in those 10 months my faith went from low to nonexistent. i had kinda already accepted he wouldn't come back, but i thought it was evil of sm and center 5 to not even say anything regarding his situation. so the anger i feel now isn't even just for seunghan, but in general, seeing idols be mistreated like this. but i have never seen it to this extent.

and for them to bring him back out of nowhere just to remove him 2 days later? this is INSANELY EVIL. i will never be able to look at riize or sm the same way ever again. they knew exactly what the reaction from ot6s would be because THEY LET IT MARINATE FOR 10 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!! they didn't prepare a SINGLE thing to protect him or the other members. if anything they were foaming at the mouth in a hurry at the chance to remove him because they knew he was already in a delicate spot. they're literally playing with this guy's mental health!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was genuinely worried yesterday that he would kill himself!!!!!!!! sm already dealed badly with other idols being mistreated in the past, but to give in to what haters say? this is a new low for them. they should have stood their ground, they should have removed those wreaths and let all the members say that they won't tolerate any of that!!!!!!!

but instead they bowed their heads like the cowards they are. i genuinely feel sorry to everyone that's under sm rn. especially the rookies and the new gg that will debut. what a sorry excuse of a company. they deserve all the bad things that comes their way. this would also be such a perfect chance to address the madness that fandoms can become and how important mental health is to idols, but they threw it in the trash to stay in the same mess this industry has been for years. and now riize will go back to the same way they were, pretending everything is okay but walking on eggshells. i can't even feel that sorry for them cos they should be able to stand up for themselves. i literally can't look them in the face without feeling anger and sadness.

#01

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bisluthq · 3 months ago

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Regarding Blake/Justin, I do think each person's history does provide some insights.

Blake got married on a plantation (and correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe only Ryan has publicly apologized for it). Her defunct lifestyle website published a story called The Allure of Antebellum (https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2014/10/76178/blake-lively-preserve-antebellum-shoot). She's been in a Woody Allen movie. We just saw that interview from the Woody Allen promo cycle were she was rude to the interviewer. If it was a one time thing it could maybe be excused as her having a bad day, but then we have this interview from a few days ago were she gave a very tone-deaf borderline rude answer about people possibly wanting to talk to her about their experience with DV. And as we know she is using this promo cycle to promote her haircare brand etc.

Also, there was rumored beef with Leighton on GG, there was rumored beef with Anna Kendrick on A Simple Favor, and now there is beef with Justin. At some point it becomes a pattern...

I'm not saying she is evil, but at the very least she is very ignorant and self-centered, and not nearly as nice and wholesome as her public persona would have us believe.

When it comes to Justin, I don't know the guy so maybe something comes out tomorrow that proves me wrong, but he's been focusing on deconstructing toxic masculinity for years (his very famous Ted Talk, video series, podcast, books). And he hasn't shied away from leading by example by talking about his issue with body dismorphia or having struggled with a porn addiction. His previous movies were basically about people living with illnesses, to being awareness to those topics. And he seems to have maintained good connections with his past cast members (including Sabrina).

He's also been involved in charitable efforts for a long time (like Skid Row Carnival of Love). And he is actually promoting this movie as a movie about DV.

Was his decision to adapt that book a mistake? I haven't read it, but from what I've heard about it, probably. But based on what is known about him publicly (as I said, I don't know him so I have no idea what happens behind closed doors) he does seem to be a pretty wholesome guy generally.

I mostly agree with what you’re saying with one big caveat: Blake and Ryan apologized together. They issued a joint statement and then he elaborated on it further in an interview and said “we” so I don’t think it’s fair to say she didn’t apologize. We can say it’s a bit weird and says a lot about their dynamic that he seems to do most of the talking for them both, but all that’s giving is trad relationship and he’s the bigger star and stuff lol. I think they both should’ve known better and DONE better but I also don’t get the sense that Ryan’s off apologizing for that and feeling bad while learning how to be a better person and Blake just dgaf. I think they both did genuinely feel a bit bad about it but I don’t think either has taken like a class on race relations or anything. I think if Ryan cared more about this kind of thing, he’d be… making sure he’s producing works by marginalized creators and using his platform to broadcast marginalized voices/scripts that would struggle to get made and casting marginalized performers. He doesn’t do that. So like… yea. I’m not into even subtly implying he’s “better” than her, especially since he seems to control a lot of her life.

Re her and leighton, multiple people have said it was less of a feud and more that they just weren’t friends. They were colleagues. CW wanted to promote them as irl besties because CW loved that kind of promo - everyone was meant to be besties or dating off screen and they had clauses that made it difficult to publicly date anyone not on the network like that was an actual thing they did - and blake and leighton never fucking were besties off screen but that doesn’t mean they full on Kim Cattrall x SJP hated each other.

I do agree that she’s ignorant and self-centered and super fucking privileged and tone deaf, and I think her husband makes most of her decisions for her and kinda runs her life lol but obviously she could change that if she wanted, so that’s her choice.

Justin seems like a decent enough guy, just not imo as smart as he thinks he is, but also not as stupid as I thought and he’s about to give those two a serious run for their money in terms of public perception like… as he should.

Blake and Ryan are def not as wholesome as some people online like to act and re Justin obv we don’t know but he doesn’t appear to be a Disney villain (or even like idk Hollywood high on power levels of shitty - that seems more Ryan).

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bumblepony · 3 months ago

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7, 11, 58, 86 and 69 B)

7. Tell us about the plot of the first fanfic you ever wrote.

The first fanfic I wrote was one with my twin sister @lertiasworld, based on Mercedes Lackey's Hearlds of Valdemar series. The plot revolved around twins who were separated at birth and did not know the other existed. When they were around 13, they started having dreams about being in someone else's body and going about their day.

Eventually, they figure out that they are seeing through their twin's eyes and they find each other.

I really love this little story that my sister and I wrote. My sister bound it and gave it to me as a gift many years ago. It was really special.

11. What’s something neat you’ve learned while doing research for something you were writing? Also, how much do you worry about doing research in general?

I've done a ton of research for Ellie of GG, and something neat I learned while doing research was about all the amazing female sharpshooters and cowgirls who were famous around that time.

It depends. Sometimes, I am all for winging it when I write fic, but certain topics, like medical stuff, make me nervous, so I research them just so I don't sound like a complete idiot. Otherwise, I tend to keep things very surface-level so I can avoid making a mistake.

58. What is the last thing that a fic made you google when you were writing it?

This is going to be so boring, I googled the word heady. Because in my brain, I was like "This is a word" but then I wrote it and my brain said "Is it really a word?" and so I needed to make sure that first it was indeed a word and then that it was indeed the word I was looking for. And thank goodness I was correct on both counts, it is a word and it is the word I was looking for.

86. Which season best matches the mood of your wip(s)?

Ahhh, I can not adequately answer this; I have too many. I might be able to tentatively say summer, but that's shooting from the hips, so take it with a grain of salt.

69. How do you write emotional scenes? do you ever feel what the characters feel?

Most times, the scenes just kind of come to me, and then I write them. I’m mostly disconnected on the surface level, the professional writing level, partially because I’m trying to stay in the place where I can appropriately describe what I am trying to write. But there is a part of me that is feeling it, so I can tap into that part and understand how it feels.

If I am having trouble reaching a certain emotional state, I will try to read or watch something that will hopefully evoke that feeling.

And yes, sometimes I will feel what the character is feeling.

#tlou #tlou fanfiction #the last of us #asks #asks games

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rainbowsky · 2 years ago

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Hey RS!

This is not related to GGDD but I wanted to ask, what one thing you would take with you to 2023? and what would you leave behind in 2022?

Happy new year in advance to you! 🌟

Hi Anon,

Thanks for the question, I like this one!

What I'd like to leave behind

I think the thing I'd most like to leave behind in 2022 is the isolation and paranoia I developed during the pandemic. Of course the pandemic is far from over, but I feel like so many years of worrying about health and safety - and feeling incredibly uncomfortable around other people - has taken a negative toll on my life. I'd like to find a way to be comfortable integrating myself back into society a bit more. Step by step.

Somehow I managed to get through 3 years of the pandemic (and counting) without ever contracting covid, and that was due in part to my tendency to self-isolate long before there was a pandemic.

I tend to be a rather introverted, reclusive person even at the best of times, and was actually totally relieved during the pandemic to be able to live my life relatively normally without the constant pressure to go places and do things around other people, which I've felt burdened by for most of my life. It was actually nice to be able to feel like my perspective on all that was normal for a change!

For a long time I didn't feel like I was losing out on much because of the pandemic. If anything, I had gained a lot. Being able to now do a lot of things remotely that we used to have to do in person, for example, feels like such a gift. But gradually I came to realize that the extreme isolation I was experiencing was having a very negative impact on me.

I remember at one point my partner said despairingly, "It's going to take years to get you back out into the world!" and I don't think he's wrong. It will likely take me a year or two to be back where I was before, maybe even longer depending on how things go with the new variants and the progress of the disease.

In any case, that's what I want to leave behind. Let's see if the universe lets that happen... 😅

What I'd like to bring with me

I actually finished writing the first section a long time ago, but it's taken me many days to reflect on what I want to bring with me. And really the answer was staring me in the face all along.

I want to bring with me into 2023, GG and DD and my love for them. Not only has being a turtle really enriched my life in many ways, both of those boys are so inspiring to me.

They make me want to do more and put myself out there more, and to live a better and happier life. They make me want to learn more about the world and about places and cultures that I'm not familiar with. They make me want to love and be loved more.

More than anything, I just enjoy them and I'm charmed by their unique personalities and approaches. I am captivated by their intense, sweet, chaotic, bickery, sometimes dirty-minded, always deeply loving rapport.

I cheer for them, and for all queer people everywhere. I want what's best for them. I want them to be happy, healthy and free. I want them to know how much of a difference they make in other people's lives, and how much they inspire people who care about love, compassion and self-actualization.

They have brought a lot of good friends, good feelings and good experiences into my life, so I'm definitely bringing them with me everywhere I go.

I appreciate this question. It was a valuable bit of self-reflection for me. I encourage everyone to reflect on these questions going into this new year.

I hope all of you have a wonderful 2023, and that we all see positive change in the world in the coming months. 💖

#personal #ggdd forever #nye 2022 23 #ask

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16lies · 2 years ago

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message: saw jin seulki in seoul. they were playing tennis and sipping overpriced cocktails. i think they’re a graduate law student now? a lot of people say they’re kinda ruthless but they seemed super ambitious to me, tbh. they really look like moon gayoung and remind me of blair waldorf though wtf. thought you might want to know because i remember your post about them that said there’s a leaked sex tape of her threesome with her ex-boyfriend and his best friend on the internet. still can’t believe that happened six years ago.

hi, everyone! max here, with your neighbourhood ruthless bitch, jin seulki! ‪♡‬ a relentless and incredibly petty overarchiever, with a shaky moral backbone~ blair waldorf DUPE!

anyways, you know the drill - like this if you're down to plot and we can exchange discord tags (my preferred channel of communication)!! onward we go!!

tw: mentions of unconsensual sharing of explicit material

; basics

jin seulki, twenty five years old, currently a graduate law student (i know that law students are busy and would probably not have the time to engage in illicit activities but please suspend your belief for her)

graduated with a degree in political science @ korea university, now a first year law student in snu

scorpio sun, cap moon, scorpio rising

inspired by gg's blair waldorf & georgina sparks, gg reboot's monet de haan, mean girls' regina george - basically any scheming manipulative mean girl

lawful evil, estj

the prodigy, the hellkite

gossipgate subplot, blackmail skeleton

; background

youngest daughter to a politician father and a socialite mother

her father is old-gen rich, to the point that he doesn't really need to work for the rest of their lives so being a politician was more of a passion project. something to keep his lives entertaining and fight for

her mother, on the other hand, was from a middle-class family (think tom & shiv from succession), so she spent most of her life learning how to fit in with the elite

honestly, seulki hated her mother. hated her pathetic and desperate she was - all she ever wanted was the attention and everything she had was dependent on her husband and his money

so she swore to never be anything like her mother. wanted to make sure that she would never be in such a powerless position

doesn't matter if people get hurt or someone else suffers as long as she gets what she wants, as long as people remember she's the one in power

she plays hard too though, because who wouldn't when you have life's finest things at your fingertips

it catches up to her, however, when she is fourteen and she gets caught grinning and downing tequila shots in that infamous gyeonggi girls’ high school video

honestly, most people (her elder sister included) felt vindicated when seulki had gotten caught. a taste of her own medicine, they whisper, about time she gets humbled

everyone celebrates a little bit more when she doesn't manage to weasel and scheme her way out of it, because her parents see and hear about the video before she does. as a punishment, she gets sent away to some rehabilitation center while her father attempts to do damage control

she's lucky she's just a freshman, and she plays up the i've never done anything like this in my life i just wanted to be part of the cool kids story and manages to avoid any criminal proceedings

(does, however, manage to conspire up a way to leave the rehab center earlier than planned, because she shows up at her father's event, with her half-brother - a secret her mother doesn't know about. continues to leverage that over her father for the next few years)

gossip girl truly terrorizes her life for the next five years, and seulki learns to play the game. uses it to blackmail others, sends false tips about herself to throw them off her scent. she doesn't, however, try to find out the identity of gossip girl becuse she knows a vicious bitch when she sees one and gossip girl is one fucking vicious bitch she doesn't want to mess with

she thinks that the drinking scandal is the worst that could happen, until she falls in love with a boy and after a particularly wild night, agrees to a threesome with him and his best friend. and agrees to film it.

the video gets leaked, unsurprisingly and seulki breaks up with him. pays someone to get it removed from the all corners of the internet but gossip girl finds out about it

she denies denies denies because there is no proof of the video but shes deeply afraid that one day someone will manage to find it. even bad bitches have their kryponite and for miss seulki it's this video, a living reminder that love causes nothing but trouble

anyways she celebrated wildly when gossip girl disappeared but now that she's back... seulki won't let gossip girl ruin her again. not when she's this close to achieving all that she wants. she's survived it once, she'll survive it again

; personality

positive: ambitious, charming, calculating, relentless, determined negative: petty, insincere, vicious, nosy, insecure

ruthless bitch

obsessive overachiever with a shaky moral fiber

will smile to your face and stab you in the back - she has no qualms about that

not a fan of attention, which is ironic because she is a frequent feature on gossip girl. is a fan of her reputation of being a bitch tho

deeply enjoys inciting fear in people - she lives and breathes the motto 'you can't make people love you but you can make them fear you'. gives her a sense of power, which is what she has worked for her entire life

can be very petty. the smallest thing can set her off, hates the feeling of not being in control. will take it out on others just to get that sense of control and power back lmfao a little bit more dangerous now

she's very deeply insecure though; when you base your whole life on whether you can control others... it's not a good look lol

passive aggressive as fuck - i wouldn't say that she's outright spiteful and mean but rather, a lot of fake smiles and "your skirt is so cute" "that is the ugliest fucking skirt i've ever seen"

always up in people's business just cause she likes to have an arsenal of information with her

she can get be charming if she wants to

her biggest weaknesses are (a) her insecurities - very desperate for love she has never known. doesnt know how badly she wants or needs it until she gets a taste of it and she loses all rationality. then regrets it. then does it again. ironic because she spends her whole life trying not to be her mother, only to be just like her (b) how tightly-wound she is; the moment she lets loose, she goes absolutely fucking wild. she's very extreme lmfao either she's poised and calm or she's going absolutely feral

that's how she gets caught in situations like a leaked s*x tape and the drinking scandal (normally, she has enough blackmail to clean it up but there are times where even she can't save herself)

; wanted connections

familial

older sister - i don't have their dynamics down but we could either have a fun rivalry going on OR something where the older sister is the dark sheep, seulki never stops to rub it in her face

younger half-brother - hced that her father had numerous affairs, one of which led to her secret half-brother. should be around four years younger than her, seulki used to threaten her father with his presence lol could potentially be the only person seulki feels ~ protective ~ and affectionate towards

friends

ex boyfriend who was in the video with her

ex boyfriend's best friend who was in the video with her - would be fun if he was like in love with her lolz

bestie - someone she actually loves and would commit crimes for ‪♡‬ (probably a childhood friend, only open to one person)

the plastics - fellow gossipgaters who ruled the school together! (not that seulki would be the regina george, she'd be a little bit too young)

fellow gyeonggi girls high school student who knows that seulki isn't as innocent as she keeps portraying herself to be, that she willingly drank and partied. thinks seulki deserved worse punishment

frenemies - give me a blair/serena, rory/paris situation! forced to get along but secretly always competing with each other <3

rivals - plz be in an academic/tennis rivalry with each other!! not a frenemy thing but a straight up i'll fucking destroy you kind of thing. maybe seulki even tried to do so too? but failed? and that makes her hate you even more lol

fwb - but in a transactional way. having specific timelsots for each other, meeting at specific places, no feelings attached hehe

someone who did something v small and irrelevant to her but she was having the worst fucking day so she.... sent in a tip to gossip girl (fake/real) with her name attached ‪♡‬

#( ; ooc. )#( bit the bullet n posted first mwah )

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joannasteez · 7 months ago

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tanks of blood (3)- a funeral, and the second coming back

pairing: biker!roman reigns x black reader (mentions), biker!cody rhodes x black reader (mentions) warning: descriptions of alcohol. some talks about death and funerals (not negatively). cursing. roman being a dick smh. authors note: intro-ing more characters. some funny parts and not so funny parts. this chapter, as you will see, has a few different perspectives. i thought it would be nice to learn some of the fic lore from other pov’s. this chapter takes place in the present time!!!! word count: 6k tagging: @333creolelady @harmshake @theninthwonder @thesamoanqueen @kill-the-artiste @empressdede @spritelucozade @gg-trini (if anyone else wants a tag for this story let me know!)

dean was not an inheritor of his leather. he had no familial ties to such greatly established pensacola street bloodlines. but he was scrappy and clever and loyal. he loved fixing things. making a hard work of his hands till the satisfaction of a job well done had no choice but to bleed from between the slight cracks of skin. and he didn't need second or third generation leather, or a bike gifted to him on his eighteenth birthday, and then again on his twenty first—because bikers could be showy motherfuckers—he just wanted something to call his own. a beautiful sum of meek ambition. a tangible manifestation of earned freedom. and kendrick greggs—God rest his soul—had given it to him. all those years ago, when the roar of engines were still new and ear splitting, KG—as everyone called him—let dean's desires run wild. and then when those too humble desires became ill-suited, KG threw a prospect kutte at dean, with a stare that dared him to succeed. and here dean found family. absolute community. no blood relations needed.

dean remembers the grit of his early bloodline days well, but it is the existence of such a fond remembrance from which his annoyance is born. he hates the easy slip into reminiscence. that ache so naturally tethered to the joy of it all. it was always just too much of everything. but funerals make him nostalgic. with each one, comes that reminder. he's getting older.

and maybe that's why anger doesn't move in him. doesn't stifle the surprise rife in his blood or the stinging in his eyes. emotion threatening to well over, and then its—fuck—it's brimming and washing hot in his cheeks. its just that thing. and of course when the whole abrupt ordeal of you leaving came about, he, in a bout of rather rare sensitivity, worked his sadness to a favorable subtlety. because you weren't his but you were still like family. you were KG's blood so, yeah, there was no halfway to think about it. you were family. and it's just that thing, that comes with much time and much distance, and then finally and so suddenly theres that breaking of the space between, where such time and distance is forgotten, and all there is left, are the things waiting to be picked up again. a taking in and a holding, as if such things had never been let go in the first place.

just outside a small pensacola church, dean pulls lazily from his cigarette. seth—and he knows its seth by the leisure thudding step of his heel toe—approaching with a cigarette of his own. the both of them watching interestedly, as you brush harsh against cody to pass him. with the air of someone amidst a lovers quarrel. the remnants of a disagreement sticking to the rushed way you make your way up to the church.

seth snickers. "you think they're fuckin'?

"if they're not already, then he probably wants to", dean assess. mirth slipping over his lips as he takes another much needed drag. and honestly, cody wasn't to blame for such a desire if dean's thinking was as spot on as he knew it to be. it was a small, not fully established joke of sorts after all, that at one point or another, most third generation bloodline members thought about KG's daughter in not so platonic ways. the one forbidden fruit amongst a plethora of other things to freely choose from in the garden. but it only happened maybe once or twice, before the realization set in that you just weren't to be seen that way. or at most, if such thoughts occurred, it was better to let them stay exactly as they were. as thoughts with no tangible form to see to its flourishing.

"cody is dusty's son. he'll go the gentleman route and slow burn it", seth's cigarette falling to its end as its met with the tip of his shoe.

dean does the same. making a dramatic show of peering over his shades before his leather clad arms open up to encourage an embrace. "this ain't a mirage is it?"

you laugh. and as your face caves softly into dean's chest he can feel the lightness of it pulsing into him. a laugh filling itself with relief as you slip your arms to tighten the embrace. "no dean".

you slip away to embrace seth. the three of you bright with smiles despite the adornment of mournful colors and eye-guarding shades. and dean can feel the fast to creep up nostalgia. the clever way it goes about softly sweetening his blood.

"good", dean starts. unfailing in the not so subtle way he takes you in. everything about you different but the same. new but old. "thought i was hallucinating. between the leather and the weather, i'm due for a heat stroke soon".

"fuck tradition". a short thoughtless quip. your fingers tugging his leather. "take off the jacket".

seth bristles. the offense a detailed etch along his face. "fuck tradition?! you went up north and got fucking screws loose. one of the originals is dead in a box, we gotta represent".

and seth was right. tradition was tradition, and dean wasn't going to forsake his leather because he felt a little uncomfortable. come to think of it, it wasn't so hot—it absolutely was hot— that he needed to have loose lips with complaining about.

your eyes roll. smiling still. "m'not nursing you when you collapse".

"anyways", a drip of mischief steeping in. deans arm hugging your shoulder into his side. "in the spirit of reunion, do i have permission to indulge in some thoughts and opinions?"

"i too would like to indulge". seth adds. grinning.

your head shakes in what dean knows to be a small gathering together of patience. "are said thoughts and opinions messy and reductive".

"...yes...maybe...", dean looking to seth for a quick temperature check of just how unruly their curiosities could be. "...i don't know".

you sigh. "go ahead". dean feeling the ever so slight tense up in your shoulders. because loads of time had past, since the last time any of the guys had seen you. and everyone would have their own little questions and curiosities. it was impossible to hide everything forever anyways. they were all as nosy as they were rowdy and dean only knew this because he was one of them, one of the guys.

seth breaks the tension. "you and cody?"

and you move quick. slipping from under deans arm. "absolutely not", trying to make it up the rest of the church steps.

"ohhh no no no no no", the guys giggling like children. dean bringing you back into his side. "absolutely yes".

"there's nothing going on-".

"because if so, it'd be cool y'know?", looking to seth for some teasing validation. "juggling both. some real TLC harem shit".

and the mixed deadpan-grimace you take is beautiful. fulfills the void of all that long standing separation thats been existent till now. it's like you'd never left. everything feeling good and whole.

"actually", seth adds. "i was reading, as most intelligent people do, and came up on this article about the fall of the postmodern monogamist nuclear family and the rise of polygamy... so yeah", seth feeling big in his little drop of whatever knowledge he thought that was. "nows the time for all that lovin you got sweetheart".

and God maybe you should've came home sooner. dean laughing in the most ironic of ways. a good from the belly sort of laugh he hasn't done in a while.

"you read?", he asks seth. words semi-genuine.

"first of all", seth immediately brimming vexed. "i'm well read and why do you do this? i try to flex a little intellectual prowess and you shit on it".

"ain't enough prowess in that mustard-fucking-seed brain thats worth an eighth of my shit".

seth scoffs. "oh cause your shits just so damn prestigious".

"thats right. premium shit. ask your mother".

"if i gotta ask then maybe it ain't that good brother".

dean toughs a chuckle. "anyways...", feeling loss of touch again and then he's pulling you back to stand between him and seth for more questioning. "...back to you".

your attention switching between dean and seth. words trying their damnedest to sound sure. "there is no me and cody. i do not want or care to have roman again. drop this please".

and deans never heard such a hard attempt at self-persuasion.

"for now", seth relents. "but it is good to see you. very good. i been gettin bored lately".

"a telenovela couldn't produce this much fuckin' mess, i'll tell you that much...but", dean pivots. throwing his hands up to surrender when your own hand swats his way. "...but...i agree. very happy to see you".

and the softening you take to isn't something dean has seen for quite awhile. this more than mild reversion, a silent change of language where your arms cross and cover over in what he thinks is an anxious grasping at safety. the degree of it showcasing a vulnerability that maybe once upon a time you wouldn't have dared let be so exposed.

"i'm hoping thats the general consensus", you let out.

seth hums short. sparing dean a glance through the tint of his shades. "one very big possible margin of error".

"maybe even two", dean adds. aware of the context.

"oh?", you give.

but before any true indulgence of your flight or fight, dean pulls you along up the church stairs. "you'll see. we'll walk you in".

your fingers squeeze over the thick set of his. thumb running in what feels like an aimless go at his skin. an attempt at quelling whatever anxieties threaten to fully undo you. dean squeezes back and slows the wide fast pace he's used to taking.

"me being here though, whats the temperature on that? ya'll aren't...."

"mad? no", dean settles. "you left. you’re back home. its all good".

you nod. matching now the width of their steps with a little more confidence.

"then again", seth teases. "we weren't exactly the ones fluffed out and madly in love with you".

and the fight you give not to smile is a comedy in of itself. that harsh fight against self-persuasion.

dean snorting. "speak for yourself seth. i was quite literally ready to marry you before i found out you were so goddamn untouchable".

you swat against dean's arm. a little more speed in your walking to get away from their teasing. "it wasn't like that with him".

"funerals make people delusional. so we'll let you live".

giana rarely feels threatened, with being the daughter of a silversmith and all, it affords her the luxury of patience. but this doesn't feel good. having to constantly maneuver strangers and their strange, too ancient to understand histories. maneuvering for him and for the willing give of his attention. said attention that lingered elsewhere. and giana doesn't mind the occasional funeral, but she doesn't particularly enjoy–not that its supposed to be a joyous occasion—bloodline funerals. they're busy, rowdy affairs. men covered from head to toe in black, draped in leather, and smelling of too much amber wood and tobacco. all of them too mournful to care about just how wild they could and would eventually be. and most of the women—mothers, sisters, nieces, long standing girlfriends and wives—seemed not to care. filled with too much indifference, so much so that they find delight sometimes in the way their men carry on. and amongst the crowd and energy of the room, giana settles, finally, within herself that it's all too much of everything she doesn't want. something that fails to coax her into a care that persuades her to delve deeper. but still she's patient for him. for roman and this easy, nameless situation she’s settled into with him.

and her oh so diligent thought to check the exits—the guys had penchants for sharp, abrupt turns into violence— leads her to roam into a wild fascination. this major pushing away of the goal post that flares her settled apathy to intrigue.

because roman's father never smiled so much so that it reached his eyes. and if he has, giana has never seen it. but he's smiling now. thick tinted shades done away with as he holds against the shoulders of a woman giana has never seen before. his hands embracing delicately, adoration sweetening the shine in his eyes as they both smile at one another. his mouth kissing her cheek.

and never until now has giana cared so much to understand. to want the silent force of such a great man to will itself upon her through adoration. of course she didn't need roman's father to love her, but never has he ever looked at her with more than anything other than something cordial and constrained. a diplomatic smile and head nod of acknowledgement.

from all corners of the room came upon this woman a full adornment of adoration. grievers making room in their well of emotions.

and maybe this purity of love is the appeal. the thing which giana has moved so quickly from to avoid.

but to some odd mixture of dismay and relief, roman stays unmoved.

roman grew up hearing the stories. fierce, scrappy remember when's and how it came to be's, like lullabies, if such soft tales were more vicious than virtuous. KG—God rest his soul— and his father. thick as thieves, his mother would tell him. the great street men of pensacola who birthed the bloodline. rubber against the heat of asphalt and a less than holy roar of harley davidson engines. and where ever they stepped the recognition followed. a bountiful hand off of respect, often wordless but pure in its spirit. it was something awe inspiring. a dream that seemed to roman to be more sure fated than not. because if his father was the king, than surely there would be a time of a great succeeding. the president's patch promised to the prince since his own making. and even from young, roman could feel it, see it. the coming into fruition of a future that was more fate than dream. and the grime of it just came so natural. the style and the dirty flare. how could it all not be his?

but with age came other things. other little complexities. off the road ambitions that lent themselves to less harsh, more ardent affairs. because KG didn't have sons. KG had a daughter. and the same feelings of promise he felt towards his father's legacy, he felt towards her. towards you. and here came a natural drawing in to one another, that grew steadily in it's own time. his commitment to childishness at fourteen and fifteen, turning on its head at sixteen. and soon all the stupid, petulant things didn't matter so much anymore, because all that mattered was the sweetening of your voice in his ears. persuasive and goading to his seventeen year old senses. and then came eighteen, nineteen and twenty. a man—because who would tell him he wasn't—with his own mind, his own way and his own bike, pensacola a playground made by his father for all his delights. races and bars and late night rides. KG's amused knowing stare and the heavy disapproval of your mother. by twenty one, you were his without ever having to say it.

lingering stares and touches, turning more sure by the second, till they became heavy and unmovable. a stain.

and that staining proved to be permanent. a deep etching that preserved itself in time. beyond the distance even. a hardening in his bones and over his heart till the beautiful youthful heat of it turned cold and grey.

a fettering he had started so long ago, unable to be released. and he sees that now, amongst this great show of love as people surround you to greet adoringly, that all this work to undo you, was just a lousy attempt at forgetting.

and that shit is vexing. filters the mourning in his spirit till all thats there is this silent flaring. anger. because how audacious were you really? to show your face after so many years? after breaking him so easily? your eyes uncovered and beautiful still, and your lips smiling, hugging his father. acting oh so humble.

romans jaw shifts. clenches hard before release. his eyes taken by a slight narrowing stare that only fixes itself at the meeting of it with his fathers. the joy in him battling against the irritation rife in romans bones. and it all feels so shitty and rotten. a heavy disturbance in his belly. he needs a drink or two even. something strong. an agent of forgetfulness, of numbing.

and of course with every bloodline funeral there is the draping over of a gray sky. moody and still and blanketing. the swell of bodies in the church filing out as the mourning family took to cars and the guys slowly step towards a heinously long row of motorcycles. but who would they be if the procession were not this heavy, dirty, roaring clash of engines along the streets. the show of it, the noise and the leather and the all black, it was just their way. tradition. something that—and even if it exhausted him—roman would hold to forever. because there was nothing else to know or live for aside from this. a life always dreamed of. and he'd honor it till he couldn't anymore. when others were carrying him in a casket to the cemetery.

roman takes his time getting to his dyna. surveying the buzz of energy. shades masking his eyes now as he watches jimmy, jey and naomi surround you almost covetously. his jaw clenching again. mounting with irritation. wanting that hard drink more by the second.

and he can smell the sweetness of giana's perfume. a wafting at his side, becoming closer and closer, that oddly eases the tension in his shoulders. and she, amongst everyone else, is none the wiser to such minute details. the deep understandings of such intertwined and complex histories totally evading her. roman figures now, with the way his vexation wells steadily, that she's better for it. saving him even from the not so efficient procedure of having to explain. because that in itself was a task with more surgical leaning qualities. he'd have to actually open himself up to the vulnerabilities of past circumstance. an in depth overview of just how deeply you'd severed yourself from him. and that, he absolutely wanted to avoid at all cost. even the possibility of it made his stomach drop.

a whiskey neat. yeah that would straighten him good.

"who is she?"

the curiosity, he finds odd. because giana was always so quick to maintain that she didn't care much for the inner workings of "whatever you got going on", as she'd say. but now the interest was written about her face clearly. and it was everything that roman did not want. he didn't want roundtable talks, twenty one questions and all about me discussions explaining the intricacies of past lives. he wanted the nameless, shapeless situation they'd always maintained. why the hell was she so curious now?

he turns to her. "be specific. we're at a funeral", clenching his jaw. and if not for the thick of his beard, she'd recognize it as such an obvious tell of his annoyance.

her head nods in your direction. "the woman your father seems to have so much love for".

"funerals make him sentimental. he can't help himself".

"if eye-fuckin her is all sentiment then neither can you".

roman unfolds the legs of his shades and rests them on cooly. this smooth slipping on of a cover to mask the surprise threatening to shine in his eyes. because to him, that poor heavy build of displeasure felt all palpable. this absolute etching into his face that could be readable to anyone who cared enough to look. but maybe his irritations then didnt appear as whole as they felt to him. he has yet to master the stoicism of his father, the same father who now has so suddenly forsaken his stoic disposition for absolute adoration. bringing on an obvious shift to the spirit of the day. really didnt need whatever giana was attempting to muster up.

he needs a drink. badly wants it actually.

"whatever you think it is, its not". releasing the neat knot in his hair as he palms his bike helmet. avoiding the bare over of giana's eyes. a patient burn in of brown he can feel in his skin. "shes a good friend of the family".

"ohhh", a sarcastic draw out. gianas arms folding over. "well if shes a good friend, then i got no choice but to play nice".

and roman cant help the snort that leaves him. the giana he met months ago, suddenly so different now. "stick to what you know gi. playin brazen ain't your game".

the sweet jasmine of her perfume overtaking the rainy scent of such an oddly mournful afternoon. easing further into him till her hands are holding his cheeks. thumbs running over freckles. a show of intimacy that neither satisfies or disappoints him. and maybe thats worse than feeling either of the extremes.

her lips kissing his. lingering before she releases him. "and playin clueless ain't yours".

roman mounts his bike. helmet fastening. he starts the engine and like some great call to action, the guys disperse from their little groupings in front the church to make way to their rides. this small army of all black, draped in leather.

he looks to giana. eyes hidden behind his shades and his face emulating the great impassiveness of his father. "we are what we are", this vague skating around of words. words that affirm the simplicity of their romantic situation. because thats what it is. "we're good". making no effort to look her way as he backs out of his space to lead the procession of bikes.

the first shot of whiskey is to wet his palate. the oh so simple taste of a familiar spiced burning. and the second shot is friendly. doesn't suffer him to grimace or grunt in that faithful way. settling in faster, easier, a fire on his tongue that steeps into his blood. the third take of whiskey warming his belly. a deep restraining. and then comes that odd form of clarity. all the overthought things, less overthought. the diligent fight that once existed, managing that complicated flow, because what were words and thoughts and feelings anyways? if not just the dregs of an already downed beer. useless idle remains. but still that foamy sludge lingered, like a thick film at the top of his drowning patience, refusing to go ignored. his tongue forsaking the whiskey for beer. cold and his palm clutching it for dear life. the heat of his body losing to the icy chill of the bottle. and he's losing everywhere. his presence waning amongst the energy of the clubhouse.

the guys mingling as they always did. heavy knocking bass from the speakers and the too loud boostings of laughter. whispers and clinking. bottles and shot glasses. the warm brown of creaky hardwood walls and the coarse gray of the floors. the leather couches swishing from the rise and fall of bodies. so many bodies. and the more he attempts to sip his beer while missing the dregs the more it foams over his mustache. the more he sinks into his seat, the louder the room gets. this sharp focus about him that can't be mitigated. the whiskey and the beer working in vicious tandem. whiskey makes him hot. molten lava flowing over with a threatening pace to reign amongst the fright of the people.

and he can do it if he likes. he can let the remains of him loose and reign amongst the people. forcibly siphon the energy since everything was so damn funny.

that laughter filling the air, where the joke is too funny. takes the attention too well, till the room has no choice but to yield. the twins were good at doing that. at coveting the attention innocently. and everyone always fell victim to it. it made for good times. for good memories. but that was the problem.

all this strolling down into remember when's made roman's belly ache. a nagging twist too hot to ignore.

"and you know the type of guy i am. im approachin ole girl all gentlemanly n'shit. finesse game on damn near a thousand".

whiskey makes roman hot. makes his blood wreathe with what feels like anger. and maybe thats why he doesn't drink the stiffer stuff too much.

"next thing i know, we back at her's and im in it, like in it. neighbors know my government type shit. and then BOOM the damn front door opens. it's her HUSBAND UCE!", jey grabbing a too-drunk seth's shoulder.

and roman can feel the damp way his skin grows. leather burdening his shoulders.

"i swear my lil nineteen year old ass was shook. damn near was peeing on myself hiding in that closet. i ain't know nothing about being the other dude. i was tryna get out of there".

"fuckin' with cougars had ya ass shook, hidin in closets, danglin out of windows and shit, tryna escape", jimmy quips. laughing and sipping at his cup.

and with every new height of laughter, comes this deeper sinking in of whatever heaviness that's making roman suffer. because it was too much to simply call it anger. anger never consuming him so wholly.

"but the SAVE uce, the save!", jey's arm throwing around your shoulder till you were tucking under him. hugged into his side. "my sis came in clutch. rolled up quick with that lil cutlass ciera and saved my ass".

the mirth in your eyes, crinkling at the corners as these little delicate laughs escape you. it makes him fume. the ease you've taken, returning back into the fold so seamless. aided by the love and longing of so many who seem to have forgotten just how shitty it was. a sudden departure. this tearing away that never really mended. like the raw splitting of skin, together again but gruesomely scared. the pain that came with such a nasty tattering felt still. felt when it was quiet and when it rained. when he drank too much whiskey and when the foamy dregs of beer stuck annoyingly to his lips. and then comes this accidental meeting. the linking of your gazes and it stutters the beating in his chest. an arresting that feeds the fire. because how does such power still exist? a potency that makes his stomach lurch.

your eyes are soft. hesitant. scared. and none of it satisfies him. none of it fixes the wrongness twisting in him. and even when he wins, watching you rip away to look else where, the triumph in victory forsakes him.

your lips sipping on a drink. something mixed he's sure. because things haven't changed so much that the way you take your alcohol completely evades him. but nothing ever really gets past roman. not much. definitely not cody and his eyes. the small slipping smile of his lips and the linger of his hand on your shoulder. flanking your side like he's been ordered to protect you. but it's not new. cody's always been servile. ready to perform for you. and maybe, just maybe he can't help it. maybe its the history roaming in cody's veins, an inherited drive to see to it that you were ok. the same way dusty did for KG. because dusty was the protector. the slightly older man. KG's slightly older "brother". but cody was different because he lingered. his eyes and his touch. just long enough for roman to notice.

the whiskey making him hot still. not so much his skin anymore—though yes he was a little warm—but the vexing in his blood. and no it was not the agent of forgetfulness he needed it to be. it numbed nothing. mitigated nothing.

and when you slip away from this reminiscing cluster of laughter and leather, he has all the mind to follow you. because the gall of it all steadily amasses the heat of his anger. that desire to siphon the energy pushing deeper until it begins to solder to his bones. a dense take to his will. because how can you be so comfortable with yourself in his presence, that such maneuvers have no hesitation? no second guessing? and then to make him watch your fit of smiles with another man. their has to be another word other than hot to describe the blaze in him. the overflow of vexation. but either way cordiality is for the fucking birds.

roman stands, and with it everything follows. eyes and a swelling anticipation. waning laughter and the slow drift away of mouths telling old memories.

seth shifts. suddenly more sober than he's been for hours. aggressively clearing his throat to lessen the torture of such an abrupt silence.

dean just stares. sips from his beer and holds his eyes over roman. and if not for the drowning of whiskey and beer, roman would run rife with appreciation for such a sharp attentiveness.

and cody. oh cody. never too hard to read. his thumb fidgeting over his knuckles. restless but ready.

roman crosses the floor, stepping closer till his shoulder checks cody's. a stiff leather against leather. something petulant and liquor inspired.

the noise of the clubhouse back to its former glory as roman disappears down a long wide hallway. slow measured steps as he feigns for stability. and of course it'd take more whiskey to have him completely stumble, but the additive of the fire in his blood makes things all the more unusual. and this push to seem alright, unaffected, only reinforces the opposite. makes his steps heavy and the pounding in his chest thunder.

and when he gets to you, the unrelenting need to be vicious overtakes him. nearly threatens him to illness if he fails. and maybe thats just the anger again. the pensacola heat and the whiskey and the hurt.

the wide hallway is small somehow. feels taken up. by warm subtle perfume smelling of autumn and far away ancient things. hugs and summer morning whispered i love you's. soft eyes and softer fingers. in his hair and over the steady growing muscles of his shoulders. because memories aren't just in words, this tedious coming together of letters and syllables, it's the time of day, scars left by long healed bruises and perfumes. its the old, overwrought beating in his pulse. uneven breaths and shy lingering eyes. and here the rushing back is quick. like whiplash. and the idea that such a thing has to rush back to him, cross over to close such a wide distance, is the source of such deeply rooted anger.

it is the second coming back of everything lost.

fuck being cordial.

a framed photo sits in your hand. your thumb brushing over the old wood of it. the wide long hallway filled with doors that lead to small bedrooms and framed photos. because the clubhouse for many, was always like an actual house. a place to stay, to be, when no where else was available. like a home for family.

you hang it back up, turning to look at another. wistfulness in your eyes. it makes his jaw clench. thick arms folding over his chest. feigning still for stability.

"s'nothin in here that's changed", you give. a too short olive branch. the pretty shape of your eyes taking to a widely framed photo. you and KG, smiling under the harsh beam of the sun. posing cooly next to his custom harley soft-tail.

romans heart skips. your voice sinking sweetly to mix among the welling over of his pain turned anger.

"that's usually what happens when things go untouched".

and it comes in, as you finally turn to face him, this storming chant. fuck being cordial. fuck it. whiskey inspired and sounding so right. amongst the muffled droning of too drunk bikers and the easy mean speak of his own thoughts, your eyes take him in. a meticulous working over, as if to reaffirm your memory. and he does the same. your body done up in traditional bloodline funeral attire. black boots, black denim, black leather and silver jewelry. your hair so different from the last time he'd seen you but your face the same. everything of your father except your eyes. those being all your mother. eyes that always seemed so close and far away. leaving him doubtful and chasing. always in attempt to settle them. to remedy the faraway look of them with something satisfying.

back then, all those years ago, he only ever wanted to satisfy you.

being amicable? yeah. no.

"he talked about you a lot before he passed", he starts. inching closer, step by step, till he's close enough to smell your perfume in full. the same scent you've worn since you were sixteen. nostalgia working to run rife in him, his displeasure working deeper. "little soliloquies n'shit. said he was happy he had you, cause if he had sons, they'd be too much like him. too fixed into everything. too stuck in the life. too loyal".

the glazing over of your eyes shine under the warm hallway light. lazily going about his face. that drink you'd had filled with whatever before definitely not your first.

"you're saying this because?" voice edged with hesitancy. guarded.

"i don't know really", his back leaning away to rest against an empty spot on the wall. "i guess i just realized how wrong he was, and KG was always right about shit but that? very very wrong". his lips smiling malicious. head tilting. "m'sure all that heartbreak and disappointment, getting abandoned. the way it was eating away at him, he wouldn't have gotten that with a son".

you laugh. something mirthless and corrosive. biting into the air the way it fills up the hallway to taunt him.

"daddy’s little baby bird couldn't have his chance out the nest", your mouth smiling with teeth. a mean sort of amusement taking your eyes as you meet him. "jealousy never did look good on you. it makes you whiny. needy. like a child, and it's boring", you chuckle. rolling tipsy eyes. "for the first time in a while i'm seeing you and already the argumentative shit is boring me".

"oh?", his back pushing off the wall. eyes baring down. a mirthless smile slipping in to mirror yours. "did it get a little to real for you? is the ride down memory lane not fun enough anymore?" his breathing deep. brows pulling together and his jaw goes to clench. "yeah... all that nostalgia is a bitch ain't it? just a whole bunch of bullshit sentiment and remember whens". and whether it is the draw of your scent—your presence—or the rushing of his ego he does not know, but the space even in such a wide hallway grows minimal. the whiskey on his tongue washing over just as the tequila on yours does the same. sharing angry breaths. "you got them boys reelin, fallin all over you, all wistful and simpy and shit. what'd you do to cody to make him go all puppy eyed? you fuck him finally?"

"you should know better than anyone, cause i never needed to fuck you to make you care", and the stinging there is deep. cruel and gut twisting. "yeah no, you got all simpy and shit on your own".

a few inches closer. if he were inches closer he'd be able to feel your lips. his eyes lingering over them. desire and pain gathering themselves to war. "you got him placeholdin. doing him the same way you did me".

"the same way you doing her".

and till now he'd forgotten about giana. her suspicions and her questions. her sudden doing away with of that apathy he found so faithful and easy to enjoy.

because of you. everything always for him. because of you.

"he's always been a little soft for you", roman smiling. "but cody is smart. your m.o. ain't hard to pick up".

"i'd love to know what you think that is".

"i don't even think its something you can help. it's just in you. hereditary shit. just like your moth-"

a breath toughing out. "watch. yourself".

"you leave. thats what you do. you leave".

and here there is no triumph in victory either. not when your eyes well, nor when you step away from him to leave the hallway. the twisting in his gut tightens and the whiskey soaking his blood is graceless. makes all the attempts at stability a failure . his back against the wall again. feeling ill and incomplete.

Oof… that was a-lot lol. roman being a dick unfortunately, but his tune will change eventually. let me know what you think!

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tranquilspot · 1 year ago

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John: Examine GameBro Magazine.

CW: toxic masculinity, in-text misogyny, mention of someone getting hurt, stairs

Oh boy, the first long block of text I am mandatorily obliged to read for the sake of this reread.

I know that it's a parody, a joke both for the magazine writers and the author themselves, but this dude should be fired. You know, a GOOD reviewer would try to leave their confort zone and be curious of any kind a video genre. I like simulation, point n click adventures, puzzles, and action adventure games. Indies are the best! But you know what? I get interested by horror, rogue-like, turn-based strategy, first person shooters, heck I even played GTA and watched a bit of Yakuza. But that's not my favourite thing. And despite it all, I learned to be at least a minimum intrigued by other genre. So while it's fiction, it's shameful and disappointing that this dude played like, 5-10 minutes at the very most of Sburb and decided that it was lame and not worth his time.

His reason?

Because he didn't get to destroy stuff. Not only it's dumb and unrealistic to expect every single game to have destruction as part of the gameplay, if not the main gimmick if his attitude is to be trusted, but his impatience turned on him. Because you get to destroy things. TT did it (on purpose), GG did it (by accident). And he could get what he wanted if he didn't judge the book, rather the game here, by its cover and continued to play with his friend at Sburb.

It reminds me of a good article about masculinity in video games and its community. Go give it a shot if you're interested, it's in french but you can put the article in a translator. 'Video games have been parasitized by masculinist imaginary' End of the aside, let's dig into the article properly.

John: Read article.

Non native english speakers when they want to make transitions x)

"cats"? That's a lame way to designate people.*quick research* Hmm I was convinced he was specifically narrowing it to women players, cause I would have translating it to 'minettes' in french. But 'cats' in this context is 'guy'. But as in 'men' or 'people' in general? It's 2009, and the golden age of let's play is 2012, so it's tricky to pin out exactly if it's still a stereotyped period or if the game industry is more open to other genders (read as: cisgender girls, not a lot of neutrality or lgbt+ content during that time). What was I playing, raised as a cis girl in 2009? I checked and the Sims 3 was released that year but I barely discovered the series so I was playing the Sims 2. I mean, nobody forcing you to write anyway, dude.

I hate that he's fakely open-minded. "Like yeah to each their own, but breaking stuff is actually the real shit ". It irks me.

I'm glad he would be booed nowadays. You can't unironically write stuff like that and not expecting some backlash. He probably doesn't care, he won't suffer any consequences.

When in doubt, my buddy Urban dictionary is here to the rescue! Ok so 'wicked up' is being wasted, but how does 'ins' come into it?

*more research* Hmmm o.kay. Man bro slang can be difficult to decipher. Don't get my started with "the hook" and "pirouette off the handle" and all that. With the whole Strider lingo, there's still trouble to come..

What? What about my mom? She could murder you with words, you know. She isn't one to be stepped on and I'm proud of her <3 You gave 1.5 hats because I'm pretty sure you have to give a mandatory minimum note to a game. I mean, I don't really care. You'll be dead with the rest of humanity in a few hours. Really played yourself here.

I'll allow it, this article is terrible and going nowhere so at this point, who cares?

Oh fuck yeah! I saw it in theaters when it came out. I don't remember much of it cause it was more than 10 years ago, but I remember liking it. I saw it with my brother, and maybe my mom. Idk too far to recall.

oh nooo!

May Dennis have a prompt and good recovery.

Also, 'huge useless tool against wet grass' would be so confusing for someone who doesn't quite master the english language. If we took it at face value, it's like rubber screwdriver dripping in morning dew. That's.. quite cute and poetic actually. A forgotten toy caressed by the grass and water.

What a shame indeed. *quick translation* Wow what an advanced word to use all of the sudden. 'girth' ooh boy I'm so glad to learn so many new words, and I will totally not forget them the next morning /sarcasm /half-joke

At least he's nice enough to wait and try again to watch it. Wait, is 'Brotel Rwanda' his name? Or at the very least his pen name. Rwanda is a country in Africa, and the first name got 'bro' in it. It sounds fake, gonna be the latter.

This article too, was perfectly wasted. That was boring yet I manage to deliver a whole-ass post.

Alright, let's go back to John's shenanigans, shall we? —>

#homestuck #act 1 #homestuck reread #reread blog #gamebro #bro slang #new lingo #the english language sure is complicated #rant #venting

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lollytea · 2 years ago

Note

Consider: Gus makes an ill-timed joke followed by Willow elbowing him in the stomach but it's too late Hunter knows now. Hunter knows that Willow used to have a crush on the GG.

Poor dumb loser Hunter thinks 'of course Willow had a crush on the GG. I seemed so cool and confident and strong. I was put together. Now look at me :/

This made me think about how it's kinda really sad how Hunter has likely lost a whole side of himself after the events of Hollow Mind and probably looks back on the person he used to be and mourns a little. Cuz like. There was something about Hunter's persona in Seperate Tides that he can never get back. He was unflappably confident, he was full of bravado, he was fun and carefree, and this all came from a combination of that mask and uniform, the genuine belief that he was the coolest person on the Boiling Isles, and the iron grip control he had over every situation he was in.

Hunter doesn't have any of that anymore. He's unarmoured, he kinda hates himself and he has lost any semblance of control over his life. And now he's gotta rebuild his new identity from scratch. The traits are still ingrained in him and they make semi-frequent appearances, the cockiness, the lightheartedness, the chattiness. But ultimately he's just unable to summon it all back at once into the Golden Guard. It just does not come naturally to him anymore. And it feels weird to have such a disconnect from the person you were a few months ago, to barely know yourself these days. This kid has a LOT on his plate.

When he hears Willow actually used to like him, his insides flip and his ears light up for a moment of pure shock and excitement before it all deflates. Because she doesn't like him. She liked whoever that guy was. The guy who's practically a stranger to Hunter now. And he's like "well shit. SHIT!!!!"

And he tries. BY GOD does he try. He tries to pluck up some of that Golden Guard magic. He tries to replicate it. He tries to show Willow that he can still be like that. But he's such a terrible actor that his attempts are so transparently forced and almost painful looking.

Willow thinks the way he's acting is bizarre. And eventually she's like "listen idk who you're pretending to be right now but I miss Hunter. Can I talk to Hunter?"

Willow is having a fucking TIME because it's not easy to recover from your buddy learning that you had the most embarrassing baby crush on them a few years ago. But thankfully, Hunter still manages to outshine her own awkwardness. He's very considerate that way. Bless him.

#he was on top of the world #now hes like a jumpy stray cat #huntlow

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sergeantsporks · 3 years ago

Note

Guilded Au: If the show canonizes another Grimwalker after our Hunter, and with how Grimwalkers work in this au (as you've explained) I think even the most seasoned GGs would be a little unnerved when they find out about kid Hunter basically having a twin. Because it means either a) Belos figured out how to rapidly speed up the aging process and he hasn't been alive long or b) Belos hid him for 16 years that well, which can't mean anything good for his mental health

Can you imagine they get this new kid. This kid is sixteen, he seems to be sixteen, anyway, and he can fight like crazy, because Belos implanted fighting abilities somehow, but he was never built to last, he was meant to get to the day of unity and that's about it, so unlike all the careful crafting that went into the other grimwalkers, this one literally doesn't know anything because he was literally a throwaway, Belos never taught him anything, while at the same time, despising him for not being like his brother.

He doesn't speak, but not like Mole, where he's nonverbal, new Hunter literally doesn't know any words, there are only a few he's actually picked up the meaning for and been able to practice saying himself. He doesn't even really know how to point to what he wants, he was born yesterday! He was created 2 days ago, his brain is developed like, tissuewise, but he has no experiences or memories to match, and he's absolutely miserable, this world is huge and scary and the one "comforting" thing he had, Belos, who would tell him what to do and how to do it, isn't here anymore, and he's just confused and scared and overwhelmed all the time. The gilded family WOULD dig up Belos and kill him again, but they figure the best revenge is helping this kiddo learn about the world around him. You didn't make him to last? You didn't think he mattered enough to teach? Well, too bad, he's part of our family now.

#toh #the owl house #gilded family au #asks

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drachenfalter · 3 years ago

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The Life of Dell Clawthorne (and why he definitely wasn't the Golden Guard)

Okay, since I've seen multiple people theorize that Dell was the previous Golden Guard, I'd like to make a post to summarize what we know about Dell's life and why it is unlikely that he ever worked for Belos.

(Hint: Palismen are wild magic!)

So, let's take a look at the life of Dell Clawthorne:

(I'm gonna date years as before Coven System, BCS and after Coven System, ACS because that seems most relevant to the discussion.)

~20 - 30 BCS: Dell Clawthorne is born during the savage ages. (1)

~ 10 - 0 BCS: Dell is a young man (or teenager) during Belos conquest of the Boiling Isles.

Despite Belos' fight against wild magic, Dell learns to carve Palismen and makes a career out of it.

Around that time, he also meets and eventually marries Gwendolyn.

~ 1 - 5 ACS: Lilith and Edalyn Clawthorne are born. (2)

~ 15 - 20 ACS: Dell helps Lilith and Eda carve their own palismen.

~ 20 ACS: Eda gets cursed, Lilith joins the Emperors Coven.

Dell is gravely injured in an attack from the Owl Beast. He recovers eventually, but is no longer capable of carving palismen.

~ 20 ACS: Gwen tries to find a cure for Eda. Eda finds the portal door and runs away from home. (3)

~ 20 - 50 ACS: Gwen becomes desperate to find a cure for her daughter and joins the Beast Keeper Coven.

Dell tries to reconnect with Eda, but his daughter is too ashamed to meet him and always evades him.

Dell eventually meets the Bat Queen, who gives him a new occupation: Helping her plant and grow palistrome trees. He can no longer carve palismen himself, but he can still help out the next generation.

~ 50 ACS: The events of the show happen. (4) Eda almost gets petrified, Lilith leaves the Emperors Coven, Luz helps Gwen reconnect with both of her daughters.

After thirty more than twenty years, Dell finally meets his youngest daughter again, and is introduced to his Grandson, King Clawthorne.

(1): Dell's exact age is unknown, but he looks to be in his prime when the Owl Beast attacks him. Let's assume he was in his 20s/30s when Lilith and Eda were born. (2): Eda and Lilith are in their forties (word of god). This also fits with Eda being cursed as a teenager and living with the curse for thirty years. (3): We don't really know how much time passes between Dell's injury and Eda running away, only the sequence of events. (4): Kikimora tells the Hexside students that Belos came into power 50 years ago.

This is our timeline. Now for a few more notes and conclusions:

Even if we have no evidence of Dell and Gwen actively fighting against Belos reign, it's clear that neither of them were proponents of his Coven System either; Gwen doesn't join a coven until twenty years into Belos' reign, and Dell made a living carving palismen. (5)

Lilith and Darius are part of the same generation (6) and most likely entered the Coven System around the same time. Which means that Darius met his mentor The Golden Guard after Dell got attacked by the Owl Beast.

Meanwhile, Dell was getting used to his disability. And with what we know about the Emperor's Coven, I find it unlikely that they would let Dell join at this point. (Not that he would want to.)

Darius talks about the previous GG in the past tense, (6) implying he is already dead. Unlike Dell, who is very much alive.

Dell's current job is also outside of the Coven System, as he is working for the Bat Queen.

(5) According to Hunter, Belos considers palismen to be wild magic. (6) There is a child in the crowd at the Lilith vs Eda witches duel that could be Darius, and it seems he and Alador have known each other for a long time. (7) "I knew your predecessor. He was my mentor. One of the the strongest witches I've ever known."

In conclusion, we can be pretty certain that Dell wasn't Darius' mentor and that he most likely never worked for Belos directly.

#the owl house #dell clawthorne #toh dell #toh meta #toh timeline #toh speculation #toh spoilers

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theji · 3 years ago

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Wu Gan: An analysis

I have a lot of sentiments towards this song. Just listening to the music and watching the dance choreography makes me crazy already but really, only when you look deeper into the lyrics can you truly understand and appreciate this song. I believe it’s important to DD too.

Disclaimer: The following analysis is based on my personal interpretation and sentiments, and should not be taken as facts. I’m not WYB, I wasn’t there when he wrote the song, I’m not acquainted with his team. I’m just a fan who reads Chinese, studied literature, enjoys reading and dissecting song lyrics, and has too much time on her hands to write a 2.5K words essay on a song (no, not really but Yizhan makes me do things).

Before we go into the analysis, let’s get some of the context behind the song. DD said in this backstage interview during Weibo Night that he had very little time to work on the song and he did it intermittently and concurrently while filming. He also received the music first before filling in the lyrics. It was very rushed. Wu Gan was released on 30 Dec 2019 and DD first performed it publicly during Hunan TV New Year’s countdown event. I’m not in the industry but I assume you’ll need at least 2 months to finalise the song, produce the song, record in the studio, work on the dance choreography, work on stage design, work with stylists on the outfit, rehearse for the NYE show, etc.

Considering the timeline (he started filming LOF on 16 Sep), I estimate the time he wrote the song to be around mid-Sep to Oct. Bearing in mind that GG and DD only truly gained massive popularity and shot to the top of the industry after CQL, which aired from June to August 2019, so the WYB who wrote the lyrics at that time would have been at the point where he was thrust into super stardom not too long ago. While he had already been in the industry for a few years, I would imagine things to be very different from his UNIQ days and before CQL – the amount of attention (both positive and negative), the workload, responsibilities, attitudes and treatment of those around him, etc. For sure there would be some sort of reality check for him at that point, some form of new realisation, lots of learning, growing and adapting for him.

DD said in the same Weibo Night interview that Wu Gan reflects his own feelings. Through this song, he also hopes to inspire those in the same shoes as him to overcome difficulties and maintain a positive attitude. So by extension, one can also assume Wu Gan talks about the challenges that he has faced personally and how he decided to deal with them – by adopting a mindset shift. I read Wu Gan as a letter from DD to himself; but at the same time; it’s also a message to his fans and haters out there.

Most of the lyrics are pretty self explanatory so I won’t go line by line. Will just highlight the more important bits.

Many people think of WYB as a cold and aloof person who doesn’t really ‘care’ about fans but of course DD cares. Obviously, he enjoys the attention, praises and adoration from others (he’s a Leo baby) but he has also seen the reality of things in the entertainment industry. The attitudes of fans can switch at a snap of the finger. Like when he lost fans after it was announced that he would be acting in a BL drama. I suppose he lost fans too when UNIQ’s activities were halted and they became inactive. And perhaps to a smaller degree, this part could also refer to the attitudes of the industry stakeholders who only see the $$$. Like once an artiste is deemed to not be valuable or popular anymore, they might lose favour. So rather than letting the words and actions of these fickle-minded people affect him, why not just focus on himself and his work.

被表扬被喜欢当然值得期待 Being praised and liked is certainly worth looking forward to

得到很多以后你说不爱又离开 After gaining a lot, you said the love is gone and then you left

别做任别人操控情绪的木偶 Don't be a puppet that allows others to manipulate your emotions

对负面评价保持无感不理不睬 Remain indifferent to negative reviews and ignore them

You think DD doesn’t know what people are saying about him on the internet? The insults, the death wishes, comments on his looks, his lack of qualifications, about his hosting abilities, his singing etc. The list goes on. He knows and it hurts, but he has chosen to adopt indifference as a defence mechanism.

破碎的刺痛的 Shattered, Piercing

被攻击被嘲笑挑衅 Being attacked, mocked and provoked

无感是将伤害最好的回击 Indifference is the best way to fight back

无感赐我勇敢的心不畏惧 yeah Indifference bestowed upon me a brave heart so I have no fear yeah

Here, I can see DD’s pure heart. It’s the words of someone who has experienced setbacks and harsh treatment by others – criticisms, mockery, aggression – at such a young age but instead of holding it against them or wallowing in self-pity, the boy still thinks the world is kind. He still sees the positive side of things even when shrouded in negativity. It’s not that he’s delusional or trying to avoid things; he knows it, he sees it all but he CHOSE to look at the bright side of things and to focus on the things that matter. Which is the love that he has around him – from family, colleagues, peers, loved ones, (rational) fans.

没有事情过不去天塌了还有爱在 There is nothing one cannot get through. Even if the sky has collapsed, love still remains

只有过不去的情绪才会把你紧紧地绑起来 The only thing that keeps you tied tightly are the emotions that you cannot get past

太阳下山了夜里也有灯打开 The sun goes down but there is still light in the dark

你看这世界不坏 You see, the world isn’t all that bad

The first 2 lines are my fav in this whole song. I think it's so real, so human, so matter-of-fact. Here, I see a small moment of vulnerability. DD is telling us that he is just a regular human being like the rest of us. He’s not perfect but he’s not a bad person. He’s just trying to do his job, doing something he loves. But the reactions of the public can be extreme. How can people form quick judgement based on just one facet of him? Loving or hating on him just by looking on the surface?

我没有你想像的好 I’m not as good as you think

也没有他想像的坏 Neither am I as bad as he thinks

只看到部分的我就很喜欢 Adoring me when you only saw a part of me

把我惯坏又来狠狠一踩 Spoilt me rotten then stomped on me ruthlessly

DD knows very well that in fan culture, the love and attention can be fleeting. And things can be volatile in the entertainment industry. It’s not that he doesn’t care or appreciate fans or his fame but he knows the reality of it. And he is prepared for the day when he has to go off the stage.

爱是一瞬间的情感 Love is a fleeting emotion

舞台的灯不就开了又关 The lights on stage go on and off

每天都有人在上下台 There are people getting up and down the stage everyday

就保持无感 Just remain indifferent

In the Weibo interview, DD singled out this second line in the song. Maybe that’s his deepest sentiments in this whole learning process. Even after he has 'made it', he's still getting all this hate and it has even increased in volume and intensity. It's a realisation. Like no matter what you do, how well you do it, there will always be people who have things to say, who hate you just because...Likewise where there is hate, there will be love. So why fixate on all these? To move ahead, he needs to shed his past reservations and uncertainties. Adopt a brand new attitude – indifference. He needs to toughen up so that those who love him won’t have to feel hurt on his behalf. This show of love and support, both from his loved ones and fans – powers him on.

woo～

就保持无感 Just remain indifferent

不计较成败 Don’t fuss over success or failure

woo~

Woo~

就保持无感 Just remain indifferent

才有幸福感 You’ll feel happiness that way

你是流量超红ppt上全部都是你 You are top traffic and super popular; You are all over the PPT

你红的没作品骂你的声音更变本加厉 You’re popular yet you have no works, and the criticisms have intensified

I'm running running running in a circle

困住的自己不能把目标变清晰 This trapped self is unable to see the goals clearly

如何前行 How to move ahead

丢掉过去 Put the past behind

爱我的人才不会痛 love wakes me

So that those who love me won’t feel hurt; Love wakes me.

Prior to coming to this realization, DD probably felt lost. He couldn’t see a clear way foward (hence going in circles) and he doesn’t understand why some people ‘attack’ him. What did he do? Remember, he was just 22 back then, just exploded into fame after CQL, things were arguably on a different scale compared to previously. He’s unsure of his place in the industry, like I don’t think he has a clear idea of where he wants his career to go. Up till this point, he was probably mainly just grabbing opportunities wherever. Vs the DD of today, where he obviously has a goal and is working towards the ‘actor’ direction as his main portfolio.

Note: It took me a while to figure out the PPT part. I thought he meant online discussion boards/forums but PPT here indeed refers to powerpoint presentations. He’s just painting a picture of the behind the scenes work in the industry – referencing the powerpoint presentations that industry executives often prepare when they are pitching a new project, new ambassadorship etc to investors. Often times when selling an idea in the initial stage, these executives will include images of artiste whom they hope to invite onboard the project and these will usually be the big names, the traffic stars, in order to inspire confidence in front of the big bosses. You know, just like in a marketing proposal, the ‘grand plans’.

These two parts are mainly elaborations of his new-found attitude and way of dealing with things. Like don’t fear challenges and negative sentiments from others, don’t be affected by what others think or say, just do what I enjoy, focus on myself, work towards my goals.

逆境之路看到未来 The road to adversity shows the future

摔倒以后站得起来 Standing up again after falling down

如果每天活得左顾右盼 If I live my days having to look left and right

还能谈什么生命的精彩 What splendour of life is there to talk about

逆境之路看到未来 The road to adversity shows the future

摔倒以后站得起来 Standing up again after falling down

不要轻易被情绪打败 Don’t be easily defeated by emotions

就保持无感 Just remain indifferent

woo～

就保持无感 Just remain indifferent

不计较成败 Don’t fuss over success or failure

woo~

就保持无感 Just remain indifferent

I picture this part like a soliloquy, like DD wondering out loud to himself, questioning his current state but the conclusion is like what the rest of the song says. He sees his goal, a clearer direction via his new attitude. He’s choosing to be free (of the shackles and emotions holding him back) and to not conform. Which is why after all these experiences and lessons, DD has learnt to not pander to the whims and fancies of those around him, and to not let outsiders dictate how he does things, what things he does.

才有幸福感 You’ll feel happiness that way

Tell me where you at now

Finding the way

Follow the light that you see

Finding the way

Follow the light that you see

自由自在 Free and comfortable

I’ve seen several different translations of the word Wu Gan. Some say ‘unfeeling’ or ‘no sense’, but I chose ‘Indifference’. I see Wu Gan as a reaction, a coping mechanism. Not an attitude. It's not that he doesn't care. And it’s not that he’s not affected by the negativity or that it’s not hurtful. The criticisms and harsh attitudes or rumours clearly hurt him but more like he's choosing to react and treat the negative sentiments in a certain way, and maintain a positive outlook. So DD is really not as unfeeling or uncaring as some people think.

Wu Gan also reflects his knowledge and understanding of the industry. Fame and popularity is transient. Fans come and go. DD has said in an interview that fans are just people who accompany him on a part of his journey. I think it’s an incredibly mature thought coming from someone who’s merely in his early 20s. To DD, fans are not unimportant; he's thankful and appreciative of all these attention, affection and work opportunities but he also knows these can go away one day. Fans are fans, and he is himself (does this make sense?) He is working to better himself, to do the things he enjoys, to leave behind something that he can be proud of. He's not working to please anyone and he is not letting this fame and popularity get to his head, because he knows it’s fleeting. What matters at the end of the day, what is the measure of an artiste’s worth is really the works they leave behind. So instead of focusing on the bad stuff, just ignore them and focus on putting his all into his job, delivering good work, to be a better version of himself. ‘Repay’ fans by delivering good works that fans can enjoy. Don’t fixate on popularity or rankings, don’t fight or compete with others. This is something that both GGDD have repeatedly mentioned – to focus on oneself and to be our better selves.

And so, DD does things because he likes it, things that he’s passionate about. Like the surfing show, skateboarding show, SDOC. Not to garner fans or become more popular. He doesn't care about these. This is also seen in the filming projects he has chosen to take on in 2020 onwards, which tend towards projects that showcase his range, focusing on acting skills, project positive messaging etc. Which is also why it is unlikely we will ever see him in idol drama type projects again. This is also why he doesn't do fan service or go the 'popular' route. That is why he dyes his hair green and cuts his hair super short cos he feels like it. That is why he expresses himself through make-up, clothing, accessories that can be unconventional.

Ok I think I’ll end here now cos it’s getting rambly and not as cohesive as I would like this analysis to be. Told you I have a lot of sentiments about this song. I hope this gives you a better appreciation of Wu Gan. Feel free to share your thoughts with me.

#wang yibo

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