#most annoying people on the planet to ever exist

[verdancy-hime]

I don't want anyone to save me I want to be able to find all the people who did this to me and make them beg for someone to save them from me and also testify before congress about what they did and how they did it and have a law named after me that says gangstalking and all the other shit is illegal like super illegal I know there's several things like intentional infliction of emotional distress and violation of privacy and so on but like that can only happen if I die.

And there isn't anything big enough to save me.

Like

Maybe if all the people in the world literally disappeared forever and I never had to interact with anyone ever again.

I feel like

There's this video game and there's this alien race in it

And the alien race is evil. They take over and enslave every sentient race or they put their entire planet in this special thing called a slave shield and the slave shield actually allows them to be free but they can never ever leave their planet.

You eventually meet another group of them, and that group just kill every alien species off immediately.

Actually it has this super cool game mechanic where if you don't do certain game actions on a time limit you not only don't know you have but most game systems couldn't even program at the time so you didn't even know was a thing, probably, this group of aliens will slowly move from world to world destroying all your allies and all the slave shield planets you could maybe potentially rescue and leaving unexplainable cosmic debris in their path.

But if you know the right words to say that remind them of their trauma they have to explain the lore of their species.

And it's basically that their first contact was with a brain raping parasite that enslaved their entire species and bred some of them to be warriors and some of them to be scientists and engineers and they were tortured and enslaved for thousands of years in incredibly terrible ways, including killing and torturing one another and their only friends.

And when they finally managed to get free.

They had an argument.

The warriors thought that the solution was to murder all sentient life forms they came across so that this could never happen to them again.

The scientists thought they should offer the choice of enslavement or imprisonment on their homeworld.

That's the level of complex ptsd I have now.

If I could ensure that no sentient life form existed which could by word or look or deed or action or inaction or confusion or gamification or malicious compliance or interference or any other means previously thought of or not thought of intentional or unintentional cause me pain discomfort or obligation to them in any capacity and I also got free food rent electricity and wifi and all that for life but like basically never had to work again or anything

Like I mean no one could even do something which triggered me or annoyed me like if they even thought of doing something that would harm me even a tiny amount like

Maybe if I were a ghost? Like literally a ghost. No need for food or water or shelter and no one can see or perceive or touch me unless I allow it.

But I would always be at war with part of myself. Every time I saw or became aware of a human being my instinct would say

"Kill the interloper."

I would always think life would be so much easier if everyone died.

And I don't know how to live like that.

Because like I mean everyone.

The pizza delivery guy and the person who makes that rose cold cream I like and my favorite authors and my one possibly still living grandparent and my neighbor who I think I just heard get into a physical fight and like little kids and literally every human being or human being shaped thing.

All of them.

So I really just think it would be easier if I died.

That's something someone could easily give me if they wanted.

They sure as fuck decided to torture me into agony and suicidal ideation every day for several years.

I don't really believe it's right or fair that anyone should ask me to fix what everyone broke.

But if I have to fix it and I can't die then I am just going to kill off the entire human race because I tried to invent a mind control thing for fun as a joke and someone literally took over my body and told everyone to torture me to prove some point to rokos basilisk about how it's better than me or whatever stupid thing so Idk why I can't make rokos basilisk fix it or the person who took over my body or the people who probably could find a way to not be mind controlled any more if they wanted to or the government or something.

If I am responsible for fixing all of their messes then I should be allowed to enslave them imprison them or kill them an equal amount.

That's how that works. If you refuse to have free will you're a slave.

I don't want to be a slave but I was sort of hoping that no one would be because I don't want to kill and enslave and imprison the entire human race.

But it's apparently impossible for any of them to be nice to me unless I pretend that I used Wikipedia to invent an unbeatable mind control formula that forces them to do my bidding and then even then if I make one false move they sicc some weird possession thing on me? Like? People don't expect me to believe I'm some kind of like magic genius who invented a totally unknown way to mind control people irl based on shit I saw on Wikipedia when I was feeling paranoid and depressed and no one else has mind control powers or whatever. That's some kind of kayfabe. They just don't want to help me because they enjoy hurting me.

So they actually are technically interlopers because I don't seek people out they keep coming to me. Even staying inside all the time makes people show up at my house.

If I was a magic genius or something I probably would have like... a way to make them turn into a bag of money or a spell book or something when they do that. Or open their mouth and only large gemstones come out.

I think that if I were actually invisible in the way I need it would be really hard to keep my apartment and get food and stuff.

And I think killing the entire human race would take a really long time. I don't think you could do it in one lifetime. And if you don't set it up to get all of them at once, they breed like rabbits.

But I could probably just stop having a corporeal form. That's easy. Scary. Harder than it looks, but easier than all the other options.

it's nice to see being suicidal described as an urgent need for change because every time i'm like "well it's not that i want to die, really, it's that i want to be miraculously rescued and it's not going to happen, no one is coming to save me, i have to save me, and frankly that sounds like a lot of work and just thinking about it makes me want to be dead" i feel like i'm faking it. like. i'm not gonna do anything about it, really, so i'm not really suicidal. i just think that if a big anvil fell from the sky and cracked my head i'd have much fewer problems at least once a day. as a treat. a fun little daydream. let's be badddd

[satosktty]

when people make viktor out to be this regine George wannabe twink who hated mel so bad I smile remembering he's dead

[byfulcrums]

mtmte is the best comic ever and i can prove it to you

There is, of course, the canon mpreg

Grimlock, known Decepticon killer, gets adopted into a group known as The Worst Decepticons Alive, has a baby with them

The bloodthirsty, mentally ill guy that lowkey caused Megatron to go all evil adopts a bunch of red scraplets

Ratchet steals his ex-coworker's hands and keeps them for himself

On the hands: Before that, he would hit his with a hammer because they didn't work properly. Right before a surgery

Man experiences police brutality, decides to take over the universe

Rodimus' nonsensical doodles turn out to be a map leading to heaven

Rodimus also gets crucified

The therapist of the ship, also known as the most forgettable guy ever, is actually God with a capital G

God befriends a guy doing everything in his power to prove the existence of the afterlife

God befriends an atheist

God almost gets sacrificed

Remember the Worst Decepticons Alive? Their dumbest member (who genuinely believes squirrels live in minds) created the cure for lobotomies

There's a random man's corpse sticking out of the engine and also a kinda-vampire

To turn vampires back into regular people you have to hit them real hard in the head

The leader of the DJD runs his group of bloodthirsty killers and torturers like an office workplace

They get scolded by the tiny medic they could squish and are terribly afraid of her

You get to know how the war actually started! It was because of a curly straw

Character goes back in time to stop the war because he's gay and ends up accidentally causing it

Multiple transfem characters!! All of the girls are trans!!!! And most of the boys are gay!!!!

They made STARSCREAM the ruler of the world

There's an entire chapter dedicated to that one time they were chased by a planet

Local Girl's Best Friend Dies, Responds To That By Putting His Brain In Her Eye Socket

They steal a guy's corpse, increase his size with an experimental thingy an amoral scientist created, and use his alt mode as a spaceship when theirs gets stolen

There's an Autobot spy that communicates to them by shooting a crew member

Even the serious panels have meme potential (see: Overlord and Rodimus)

Whirl's general existence makes the world a worst place, which makes the comic even better

"What gives? I'm normal again! Well, relatively speaking."

[Singing] "No one cares! No one cares what you have to say~"

Whirl making a depressed Rodimus so angry that he goes to get by by lighting (I actually can't remember if this is how it went lmao, it might've been the other way around)

When he told everyone about the time he "killed" someone in their sleep and shoved their wand up their ass

Brainstorm creates a button that allows the characters to break the fourth wall. Swerve presses it and becomes a narrator

One of the most painful slow burns EVER. Jesus

Their first actual interaction consisted of Cyclonus dropping Tailgate because he was annoying

Then: "I knew you'd find me"

Violent warlord that has destroyed multiple planets and planned to conquer the universe gets legally mandated into becoming the ship's captain, much to Roddy's despair

At some point, Megatron starts to sound just like Rodimus when talking to Magnus and it makes him want to kill himself

OP gives Roddy and Meg the shared title of "co-captain" so Rodimus wouldn't get upset

Oh, here's a thing: Tumblr is canon in TF IDW

The Scavengers (Worst Decepticons) go to the real world as TF toys and it's never mentioned ever again

Warriors who have endured six million years of war, powerful and feared, freak out when the light goes out

Space Jesus 2 demands an audience with God, gets hit by lightning and disappears

Character survives a terminal illness by dying

Ultra Magnus gets drunk. He's a giggler. He also starts crying

And more!!!!

[suzukiblu]

Day seven of February’s second weekly WIP behind the cut, final day ( and still TECHNICALLY in before midnight!! ); “mistaken identities and interdimensional refugees”. (( chrono || non-chrono ))

“Well, we’ve arrived at your final resting place, Mr. Kent and young Mr. Kent,” Alfred informs them mildly as he turns off into the driveway up to Wayne Manor, which absolutely cannot actually be the local Bruce Wayne’s actual base of operations. Kon doesn’t care if the dude thinks he’s a version of Clark, there is no Batman who would just bring a couple of strange Kryptonians home without at least locking some blue K on them, whether one of them is a scared ten year-old or not, and the local blue kryptonite won’t even work on them! 

Except the moment the car stops in front of the front door and he can focus his TTK without the wheels spinning blurring anything, he absolutely can in fact feel the Batcave and all the connected cave systems that are sprawling underneath the place and clearly, like, functional and active. 

Really, he could feel that even through the wheels, they weren’t going anywhere near fast enough to actually blur his senses, but he just assumed he was somehow hallucinating that or something. Except he is definitely not, because he definitely does feel it. His X-ray vision is blocked by lead-heavy mineral deposits and there’s soundproofing and temperature control in the way of his super-hearing and infrared vision and knowing Batman there’s probably some random magic shit he got Zatanna to set up mixed in there, but his TTK can still feel a very obvious Batcave down there without even trying. 

Which, like–TTK is not really a power most people know to plan for or know how to plan for, given it’s basically just him and Match who have any remotely-developed versions of it and Match’s is kinda fucked-up with some of the degradation issues and all, and even red sun and kryptonite don’t totally cancel it out–plus those both have to be directed at him to do anything anyway, not his TTK itself–so like, yeah, in a reality where he maybe does not even actually exist–apparently does not even actually exist–prooooobably the local Batman did not ever solve that particular puzzle, no. 

This is definitely a trap. This has gotta be a trap. 

Alfred gets out and opens the car door for them with a polite incline of his head and Kon gets absolutely zero bad vibes off him, and has literally no idea what the fuck is going on with this weird-ass reality. 

“Okayyyyy,” he says slowly, and gets out of the car. Jon gets out behind him and grabs the back of his jacket, pressing up close against his back. Alfred closes the door; gives them both a pleasant little smile. 

“Allow me to get the door,” he says as he heads for said door, and also: “Earl Grey or oolong?” 

“Assam,” Kon says at the exact same time as Jon–zero percent surprisingly–says “Ceylon,” because all else aside, that was absolutely a test. Alfred never serves a guest Earl Grey unless he wants them to fuck off immediately and can’t be trusted to make oolong without putting milk in it, which is a crime against a drink that Kon doesn’t even particularly like but also a crime that he absolutely cannot handle right now. 

“Of course, sirs,” Alfred says, sparing them both a briefly thoughtful look before opening the door and holding it for them. Kon doesn’t really know what to take from that; did the guy expect something different? 

. . . actually, what does Clark drink when he comes over, Kon genuinely does not even know, he has been in the Batcave maybe four or five times max, and basically every single one was an apocalypse-level scenario that Batman was not actually on-planet for, except for the one time it was an apocalypse-level scenario that Kon was the only Kryptonian-class heavy-hitter who was League-vetted on-planet for. Which sure had been . . . an experience, as an experience. Like, a very weird and annoying and frustrating experience. Also Luthor’d already hacked his comms earlier that day to say some snide bullshit and try to boss him around about how to deal with said apocalypse, so that hadn’t really helped with his mood at the time either. 

But yeah, either way, he’s definitely never drunk Bat-tea with Clark. He’s pretty sure he’s only seen the dude drink coffee or whatever Ma’s got the kettle, in fact. So like, god knows what Alfred’s even thinking right now, because given Kon’s luck he either picked the exact thing Clark always drinks or something Clark just straight-up fucking hates. 

Probably the latter, given, again, Kon’s luck. 

This is totally a Bat-trap and they are totally gonna die here and he is totally gonna be embarrassed as fuck about it, he thinks resignedly, and then just heads into the manor with Jon still basically clinging to his back and seeming nervous again. 

“Thanks, man,” he says to Alfred, and then feels–

Oh, okay. That’s actually even weirder, Kon thinks, and tips back his head to blink up at the landing at the top of the entryway stairs where a presumably-local-but-who-knows Dick Grayson is leaning over the railing with a delighted grin on his face along with the “even weirder” sight that is a Jason standing next to him and squinting down at them speculatively. Like, a Jason in civilian clothes and the actual manor, not in vigilante-grade kevlar and the Batcave.  And like, he’s a lot less ripped than Kon’s version of the dude–like way more slender and maybe even a few inches shorter, which: what the fuck?–but he’s undeniably a Jason Todd. 

Also his hair’s black? Like. Fully black, no white streak or anything? 

So yeah, weird, Kon notes. 

Alright, well, maybe somebody’ll explain why there’s a Jason Todd who’s apparently willingly here to him after the local Batman shows up so he can explain himself to the whole Bat-belfry at once as opposed to having to go through multiple repeats of the same information and also, again, just in case this reality or this Bruce Wayne happen to be clone-racists or what the fuck ever or just have any opinions about “biological determinism” or any bullshit like that. Because that is still very much a conversation he wants to have in person and not–

“Oh my god, has Dad seen you yet?” Dick asks with a gleeful cackle, leaning even farther forward over the railing, and Kon blinks, a little startled. 

“You call him Dad?” he asks in reflexive bemusement, and Dick snickers at the question and folds his arms on the railing with an artful shrug. 

“Well, not in front of Vicki Vale and her peers or anyone with a recording device, but yeah,” he replies easily. “Take it your personal reality’s a couple decades behind ours, though.” 

“Actually–” Kon starts, though he has literally no idea how he’s gonna finish, but Jason’s already leaning forward too, bracing his hands on the rail and wrinkling his nose with a dubious expression. 

“Jesus fuck, who let twunk Uncle Clark wear designer?” he snorts. 

. . . okay then. 

“My date to the gala I was at before the multiverse got drunk and fell off its ass bought it for me,” Kon replies incredibly, incredibly dryly. Dick and Jason both blink in their own obvious bemusement, their heads cocking in opposite directions. 

“Your date bought it for you,” Dick repeats slowly. “For a Gotham gala.” 

“Yeah,” Kon says. 

“How the fuck did Aunt Lo afford that getup?” Jason asks, looking even more bemused. 

“She did not,” Kon says, because fuck it, whatever. “Like, Lois is cool and all but I could not handle her. Also, she is very, very married to both her Pulitzer and her husband. But my boyfriend's love language is 'spending his vast family fortune on unnecessary amounts of gift-giving', so like, not so much a concern?” 

“Your boyfriend?” Jason repeats incredulously, and Jon frowns in confusion and peers up at Kon’s face. 

“You’re not dating Mom yet?” he asks. “Mom married somebody? And you date–boys? That’s, like–okay?” 

“It is very okay, actually, but I reiterate: I am not Superman,” Kon says with a sigh as he gives the kid’s head a heavy pat, given it’s about the eightieth time he’s said it by now. “But also I don't wanna explain myself to every single Bat in the belfry one by one, so could we maybe convene somewhere and I can riff up a metaphorical Power Point or something?” 

“Uncle Clark, are you dating our dad?” Dick demands, looking torn between further delight and low-key horror. Kon stares at him. 

Alright, he probably brought that one on himself, considering. 

[random-posts680]

“•Don’t come looking for me •” part 1

Part two: https://www.tumblr.com/random-posts680/750380195361538048/i-knew-youd-be-back

Feyd-Rautha x reader

A/n: this is a Drabble I’ve been working on for the past week and I will most likely make a part two!!

Synopsis: You use your job to hide on different planets from a family feud. While living on Giedi prime you catch the attention of the Na-Barron himself and create very close ties with him. The time you have on the planet though is unfortunately short lived, you flee, leaving behind the man you’d, unknowingly made fall in love with you, Feyd-rautha

Other mentions: soft!Feyd, Feyd is obsessed with reader, reader is oblivious, this turned out a bit angsty but part two will tie it up.

Warning: mentions of blood, mentions of death, blade to readers throat, blade mentioned, Feyd is a whole warning in himself.

Everyone knew how cruel and sadistic the Baron harkonnens nephew was.

Everyone knew just what he was capable of.

Anyone who’d ever talked to him without being murdered by his own hands would tell you he was truly terrifying and psychotic, a being who is completely incapable of any feelings such as love, vulnerability, gentleness….

Everyone knew that.

Everyone, but you.

You and feyd-Ruathas entire friendship was rooted from a mishap. You were someone from a far away planet who had come to study the ways of the harkonnens on Giedi Prime, at least that’s the job profile you displayed to them.

The day you arrived there, not a single harkonnen payed you much attention and you weren’t bothered by that, going about your business daily, studying the planet, and occasionally watching the brutal battles in the arena.

Not a soul on Giedi Prime had any idea who you were and what your actual reason was for exploring their planet, and you intended to keep it that way. Keeping your existence to a low and never acting out. Your appearance alone already stood out enough among the harkonnens. The last thing you needed was word getting out of your inhabitants on Giedi prime.

Life on the black and white planet wasn’t as bad as many people picked it out to be. You stuck to your “job” and lived peacefully in your guest coordinates. You ate well, slept well, and trained just fine on your own. Until the day your tranquility was disturbed.

That day you and him crossed paths was by far the most chaotic day you’d had on the planet. You had your things huddled in your arms, your com was ringing with a call from your research centre, your mind was thinking of the quickest way back to the guest chambers, yet your feet were taking you elsewhere.

After realizing you were completely lost, you took a bit to calm down and found the nearest bench along the walls of the stronghold and answered the com to update your work place of your progress on Giedi Prime.

Once the call was over, you grabbed your things, and once again realized you had no idea where the hell you were. You let out a sigh as you turned on your heels only to be met with a blade thrust up against your jugular.

Your feet instantly halted.

“Where are you wondering to?” The person holding the blade rasped out. ‘Shit’ Despite your initial panic, you just simply wanted to get back to your guest room, the day had already been stressful enough and you weren’t the type to be afraid of some sick harkonnen who wanted a rise out of a foreigner. ‘First few weeks on this damn planet and I’m about to get slaughtered for walking in the wrong area.’

You knew the harokenns were a driven race but this was just pretentious.

“I’m trying to find the guest chambers, this place is like a maze, I got lost along the way.” You drawled out, keeping the annoyed tone down a notch, doing your best to not anger the male with the blade.

Seconds went by before he withdrew the knife. As soon as he did you whipped around to face the offender and your heart hammered when you came face to face with the Na-Baron himself.

What you didn’t know is that when your eyes met, Feyd-rauthas heart started to hammer too.

The harkonnen paced around you a few times looking you up and down as you stood still, a skeptical look displayed on your face, yet an intrigued expression on his. ‘What the hell is he doing?’ Your train of thought was stopped when he came closer to you, his face neared yours, his breath tickled your nose and his lips twitched ever so slightly when he was just inches away.

Moments passed but with each one you felt your facade slipping away. You nervously drew your lips into a line as he made eye contact with you once again. His deep blue eyes held something that you couldn’t read. Your act was about to crumble before him.

A few more seconds passed and it was as if your unspoken prayers had been answered when he backed up and simply walked the other way down the hall. You watched with a perplexed look during his exit.

Once he was out of your line of sight you blinked away the look and shook off the interaction. ‘What the actual fuck just happened’ you were completely baffled. He just let you go, no further questions, didn’t give you any directions, and he had gotten so close?!?

You stood for a bit, conflicted. As for the Harkonnen himself, he was feeling waves of ambivalence.

He didn’t know if it was the beauty you possessed or the way your eyes seemed to sparkle with curiosity once you realized who he was, but from that moment on Feyd-Ruatha was infatuated with you.

The very next day he had come to find you. He’d looked into your cause and he was determined to be the one to show you the culture of the harkonnens.

At first, you weren’t amused with his persistence and it was a wonder to many how he didn’t just force you into letting him be around you. He was always finding ways to bother you after his duties and training. Being with you exhilarated him, the surge of emotions added a new type of pleasure to his days. He wasn’t going to give up an opportunity like this. And he definitely wasn’t going to let any other harkonnen be the one in his future spot next to you.

When you finally realized you weren’t getting rid of him you decided to accept it. You let him tag along on your explorations, let him teach you things about the planet, even going as far as him introducing you to his uncle and brother. (Which ended in Chaos and you two swore never again). Feyd had started to grow on you and you got used to his presence, you even started to enjoy it. It was nice having a friend on the planet, even one who was a blood thirsty murderer, but nonetheless, Feyd was never anything other than respectful and his interesting version of kind to you.

Each day was something new with you, while he was teaching you, you were also teaching him. You and him trained together, ate togther, and talked about almost anything and everything. The topics went from simple things to things that were more intimate and personal. You considered telling him the true reasons why you sprung from planet to planet “exploring,” but you decided it wasn’t wise considering that he may not understand or even believe you. Now, while you recall these memories you regret never telling him that you were in fact running from something.

Surprisingly, Feyd had actually opened up a few times and shared some of his twisted beliefs with you. Even if they were insane you did your best to understand him and point him in directions that would cause a lot less blood shed. To your surprise, he took some of your advice.

He hated how weak you could make him but at the same time he couldn’t get enough of you. He craved you deeply. Everyday he spent with you only made his need for you stronger. The smiles you’d give him, the gentleness of your hands when you would dress his wounds after an arena fight (If he ever had any injuries from the arena that is), the softness of your voice when you would teach him things from your home planet.

It was truly intoxicating to him.

Feyd was incredibly protective of you too. Not letting many get too close to you and always making sure you were unharmed by other harkonenns. Feyd himself had no desire to ever hurt you either, he actually despised the thought of hurting you altogether. It was one of the reasons he didn’t want to force your hand, no matter how badly he wanted his fantasies of you to come true, he knew he wouldn’t take joy in forcing them upon you.

It was safe to say you had worked miracles on him. You were the only being in the entire universe who could bring this side out of him.

Feyd-rautha loved you.

So the day you just disappeared out of no where was a day nobody enjoyed. When he’d realized your absence and was informed that no harkonnen on the face of Giedie prime had any idea where you had gone, he completely lost it. He killed everyone in the room with him in that moment.

He dropped as many bodies as he possibly could that day. Acting as though they were to blame for you disappearance.

He tried to track you, find a trail of where you may have gone, anything to bring you back to him. He looked for hours, not wanting to believe that the trail to your current location was completely cold. It was as if you’d vanished into thin air.

All of your belongings were left in your guest room. Nothing of yours was missing. The only thing that had gone missing the same day you did was…his blade.

The harkonnen thought the worst when he uncovered this detail. He thought of you fighting against some kind of enemy with his blade in hand, defending yourself all alone, while he had no way of protecting you. Feyd had never felt heartache but when he thought of you alone and scared, fighting for your life, it surged through his chest and even put warm, piercing lumps in his throat at times.

There was only one other piece of evidence, but it proved you were alive. A week after finding that his blade was missing he went to your room to search it once again. This time he found a note taped in one of your analysis journals. ‘I’m sorry, don’t come looking for me’ it’s writing was rushed and sloppy.

The harkonnen stared at it before the weight of the situation settled onto him. You had left, you had run away from him. But this also meant you were alive.

Feyds murderous tendencies only grew from then on. He killed for no reason now. Slaughtering anyone if they did something out of his comfort. His anger being taken out on servants, and the drugged slaves in the arena.

Feyd seemed to hate everything other than killing. But the one thing that drove him mad was the fact he couldn’t bring himself to hate you.

Each night he’d have dreams of you. Dreams of your hair flowing in the geidi prime wind. Your smile glowing as he shows you yet another trick of his. Your soft voice pulling him into a deep sleep. At the end of the day, this was the closest he could be to you. Sleep was his escape and Feyd-ruatha was desperate. He wasn’t ashamed to be lulled to sleep by the thought of you every night. His finger tips wrapping around the sheets when his dreams consisted of times with you.

Feyd and you and never been closer than mere friends but you also had no idea that you were everything to him.

Now, as you float through space months after you had made your escape, you replay those memories in your head. And you make a promise to yourself. You won’t get close with anybody again until you are done running.

————————————————————————-

A/n: Guys part two is coming

,I promise, I know this is ended sadly 😭

[ttodorokiii]

idk if requests are open or not...or if you do bakugo requests but imagine a yandere bakugo who’s possessive and all that with an ALSO somewhat yandere s/o who’s obsessive and see’s him as some kind of god?? i just keep imagining at the sports festival when he’s like ‘i’m gonna win’ and everyone’s booing him and then you have y/n cheering her heart out bc yes you are gonna win you’re so perfect wow i can’t believe the god/dess’s blessed our planet with you, you are superior in every way sir- both of them getting jealous over others being near their darling and whenever bakugo gives his divine attention to y/n she’s like ‘oh my god i’m blessed’ and her attention on him (which is..always on him- and vice versa) has him blushing and acting annoyed when rly he loves it like ugh 😔 i need this

warnings: ôbsèssïve yn, yândèrè, fúnny, íntènsè, dárk.

note. I literally loved writing this. I love it. Thank you so much for this request.

•••

At the sports festival, Bakugo stands at the starting line, looking like he’s about to blow up the entire arena…

literally and figuratively.

His eyes burn with the intensity of a thousand suns as he gets ready to race, hands clenched in determination.

The crowd boos, but it’s like white noise to him. He’s going to win. Of course, he is. He’s Bakugo Katsuki. Nothing else matters.

But you?

Oh, you’re practically vibrating with excitement on the sidelines, practically frothing at the mouth.

Your cheer is so loud and filled with worship, it’s borderline terrifying.

“HE’S GONNA WIN! OF COURSE, HE IS! YOU’RE A GOD, KATSUKI! A GOD! LOOK AT HIM, PEOPLE, THIS IS THE MOST PERFECT BEING TO EVER EXIST! WE’RE NOT WORTHY!”

You wave a sign with his face on it, glowing with pride and a ridiculous amount of adoration.

Bakugo glances over at you, and his breath catches for a split second.

Your eyes are sparkling with what can only be described as sheer, undying devotion. It’s like you’ve blessed him with your attention, and no one else exists.

His jaw tightens, but then the corner of his mouth twitches. “Ugh, stop looking at me like that,” he growls, as if his heart isn’t doing flips in his chest.

He loves it.

•••

Meanwhile, your eyes are glued to him. You don’t even notice when someone else tries to talk to you, too busy basking in his glory. You’re like a shrine worshipper.

“Oh my God, how did we get so lucky? I’m literally in the presence of a God. I can’t believe I get to watch this legend race. I’m going to tell my grandchildren about this moment.”

You say it with the seriousness of someone giving a eulogy, because honestly? This moment could be the the highlight of your life.

Bakugo, trying to ignore the fact that you just called him a God, again, barks at the crowd.

“I’m gonna win! And if any of you doubt me, I’ll—;” but he doesn’t get to finish his threat because someone else has the audacity to look at you.

That’s it.

That’s the last straw. Bakugo’s fists curl, and his eyes turn into fiery lasers aimed straight at the innocent bystander who dared get too close to his possession—you.

His face scrunches up like he just tasted something gross.

“Get the hell away from my girl, asshole,” he snaps, voice dripping with territorial possessiveness. You, however, are too busy watching him in awe to even notice what’s happening.

“Bakugo,” you whisper under your breath, your voice reverent.

“You’re so perfect. I can’t even look at anyone else. You’re my entire world. How did I get so blessed? You’re so strong, so capable, just… ugh. My heart can’t handle it. I’m about to burst.”

Bakugo looks over at you, his usual scowl melting just a little. He hates to admit it, but he loves that you’re obsessed with him. Really loves it.

The way you practically glow with admiration? It’s like a drug he can’t get enough of. His chest puffs up in pride, he is the best… and it’s clear he’s getting a huge kick out of the fact that you can’t look at anyone else. Not even for a second.

And then, as the race starts, Bakugo takes off like a rocket. The crowd boos again, but you’re too busy screaming his name like you’ve seen a miracle.

“THAT’S MY GOD! THAT’S MY GOD, LOOK AT HIM GO! HE’S GOING TO DESTROY EVERYONE! HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS!”

You’re a little unhinged, but Bakugo doesn’t mind it. He might even like it a little more than he’s willing to admit.

When he crosses the finish line in first place, you practically fall over yourself rushing to him. Your arms fling around him like he’s the last lifeboat on the Titanic, and you’re about to drown without him.

“YOU DID IT! I KNEW YOU COULD! YOU’RE A GOD, KATSUKI! A GOD! I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!”

You are so embarrassing, but he’s having so much fun.

Bakugo stands there, smirking, trying to act like he doesn’t have the faintest blush on his cheeks from your endless worship. “Yeah, of course I did. What did you expect? I’m the best.”

But there’s a small, almost shy glance from him as he ruffles your hair. “Just don’t go overboard with the whole ‘god’ thing, alright? It’s not like I’m invincible or anything.”

“You are, though,” you respond, dead serious.

“You can do no wrong. You just don’t understand, Katsuki. We’re all lucky to breathe the same air as you.”

Bakugo looks away, trying to hide the smile tugging at his lips. “Shut up.” But the blush creeping up his neck is undeniable.

[rewh0re]

─CUPID HIT ME WITH PRECISION ; ITOSHI RIN

-PURE FLUFF, 1.7k, enemies to lovers (more like harmless rivalry turned love), silly confessions, i ACTUALLY poured my whole being into this omg. I did proofread but if any mistake skipped my eye, forgive me:)

Rin liking you? Yea sure. As if you'd believe that.

Itoshi Rin was the absolute bane of your existence.

He was like some nasty weed growing in your otherwise perfect garden making the whole place just not very perfect.

Your friends would look at you, all bewildered and stunned as to how can someone despise the very lovable, the very endearing, the very handsome Itoshi Rin. All he actually ever did was mind his own damn business, didn't poke his nose into anyone's affair and just liked to keep to himself.

But you, you knew him. You knew him and his tendencies to criticise every living being on the planet for even breathing. His perfect facade lasted only so long until you actually talked to him. That is why most people liked him so, because he never actually talked to them.

You were assigned a project with him where you had to interview a certain group of people, and you could bet on your whole life that you had never come across someone as non cooperative as Rin. He kept flaking off due to "football practices." And he argued whenever he got the chance. He argued over the colours, the font, the whole project in general.

When the project was done and dusted and you thought 'oh, good riddance' he barged in again pointing out the little knick knacks about you.

He had friends, few in number but just as annoying by association or otherwise because why else would Isagi and Bachira just barge into your class during lunch and tell you that Itoshi Rin liked you.

"ITOSHI RIN LIKES WHO!?" your best friend quite literally dropped the wrap she was eating as the earth breaking, ground shattering news reached her ears.

Suddenly, your whole class stared at the source of the brand new, very juicy information in silence before breaking into whispers of shock and excitement.

You stared at the two peas for brains with your face twisted in disbelief because no, Rin is not physically or mentally capable of liking anybody. You out of all people? No chance.

"He likes you, y/n! You need to date him!" Isagi shook your frozen self as if trying to bring you back to earth.

"Ok first of all, calm down, everyone is staring and I don't like the whispers which are very audible by the way," you raised your voice towards the end of the sentence as you looked at the people in your class. They went back to their work in an instant.

"Second, good joke lol," you patted Isagi’s shoulder and resumed eating your lunch.

"It's not a joke, he likes you," Bachira announces, face pink with excitement,a wide grin on his face.

Before you could respond with probably something witty or disdainful about Rin, the bell rang and the boys scampered off to their class.

However much you wanted your life to be normal after that, it wasn't. There were whispers in the halls and they followed you everywhere you went. Whoever said that rumours spread like wildfire, was right. Especially in a high school where gossip hungry teenagers exist.

You passed by Rin several times after that, each time he'd look like he wanted to talk to you but said absolutely nothing. You did have maybe a few eye contacts and maybe just maybe you wondered what it would be like to date Rin, to hold his hand in yours and share kisses only to break out in hushed giggles afterwards. But you shook the thoughts away before they took over you completely.

"Can I talk to you?" You screamed as you felt a presence behind you. Slamming your locker shut, you turned around and hit the perpetrator who scared the actual living shit out of you.

"Don't scream, are you crazy?" Rin rubbed his shoulder which probably had become a little sore due to the impact of the hit.

"You snuck up on me!" You jabbed his chest.

"You hit me!" He rolled his eyes. God he was infuriating.

"You-" you started but were rudely interrupted instead.

"Yeah I know I'm annoying. You've mentioned. Now, back to my question. Can we talk?"

You stared at the towering boy suspiciously, "about what?"

"Follow me," with that he began walking, hands in his pocket and grandeur exuding from his stature.

"Hey!" He never answered your call leaving you no scope but to follow the boy in lead.

He had long legs which meant you were quite some paces behind him screaming at him to walk slower, garnering stares and laughs from certain students. He never listened. He kept going until you reached your school field. As academic classes were going to start, it was fairly empty, leaving behind a few pigeons and crows. The field was lined with some flowering trees, petals from which were scattered on the ground. Rin leaned on one of the barks and looked at you, in all your panting state, with his lazy eyes.

And then something happened. Such a once in a blue moon occurrence it was that you couldn't quite process it. You could swear you saw his lips turn upwards to form what was maybe a smile and you heard what could be the word cute. You probably were hallucinating from the speedwalking you had to go through to catch up with him.

"What did you just call me?" You asked for confirmation.

"I called you cute," he confirmed.

You didn't quite know how to reciprocate to that. It was new, it was rare but somehow, it was welcomed.

"So, I'm pretty sure that those idiots told you something about me? You know, with all the rumours?" And suddenly you noticed his hands. His fingers fidgeting with each other, his eyes cast upon the ground.

"Which idiots?" He spared you a momentary glance which said not to play with him right now. You smiled at his slight annoyance. A win is a win.

"Bachira and Isagi. They told you I liked you," he sighed as he rubbed his hand across his face and looked away.

"Yeah they did and I didn't believe them," you simply shrugged.

"Look, I'm not very experienced in the matter of love and relationships. I've never really felt any kind of strong feeling for anyone, especially love. It's very foreign to me," he gulped, eyes still on the ground.

"I know I was mean to you but I didn't know how else to approach you because honestly, I suck at small talk or deep talk or any kind of talk at all. I'm sorry I was not the kindest to you, I'm sorry I didn't show you that I hold feelings for you which at this point might be a little more than a crush. I'm sorry you had to hear this from those two absolutely stupid idiots before hearing it from me. Yeah, y/n, I like you. Quite a bit actually," he finished and by now your jaw was on the ground because why was Rin being a normal actually nice human being? You don't know how long you stood like that with your mouth open and eyes wide but somewhere a crow cawed and you returned back to the land of living.

"That was an apology," you stated.

"Kind of. Yeah, I guess," he folded his arms now and looked at you. There was pink on his cheeks.

"And definitely a confession," he pointed out, rubbing his neck.

"And definitely a confession," you hated yourself for the butterflies that fluttered inside you at the thought.

"Since when are you so....I don't know, not awful?" You spoke in a haze. You've gotten confessions, but one from who you thought was your archnemesis was bound to leave you kind of speechless.

He scrunched his eyebrows, lips forming a pout, "I'm not awful."

"No, now that I think of it, you're not really," you let out a soft giggle.

Rin might have been the bane of your existence at some point but somewhere along the path, you had stopped associating him with weeds and somehow associated him with flowers blooming in the gardens. He had pointed out your little knick knacks but he had also stood up for you once when you got into an argument with a batchmate. He had shared homework with you, taking out time to explain each problem to you when you specifically asked him not to, even when you were clearly suffering and desperately needed it. He had once put a bandaid on your knee muttering how careless you are. Rin was insufferable once but at some point you couldn't really go without initiating any type of contact with the boy. Rin was insufferable but he had never, ever crossed the line.

"So? Do I get an answer today or will you make me wait?" Under all his facade of being unbothered, he was so nervous. So damn nervous.

"You're not too bad," you smiled at him, poking your cheek with your tongue.

"Is that a yes or a no," he came close to you, grabbing you by the hand. He looked at your intertwined hands and then in your eyes.

"You never asked me a yes or a no question Rin," you maintained your smile as you stared at him.

"Go out with me? Yes or no," All his nervousness left his body somehow, as he became more confident and direct. It was torture enough to have hid the fact from you for so long. He wanted an answer.

You kissed his cheek softly, letting your lips hover over them as you pecked him again before you started walking away, grinning at him widely. Your hands were behind you as you feigned your innocence.

"We'll be so late for class and it will all be your fault, Itoshi Rin," Oh he got the answer alright.

"That's a yes or a no, l/n?" He screamed at your scampering figure as he hid his laughter behind a smile.

You turned around, cupping your mouth as you yelled at him, "pick me up this Saturday at 5 and you'll get your answer Itoshi."

With that you ran off leaving a quite jumpy and excited Itoshi Rin behind. Oh, he could not wait for Saturday.

[rose-tries-to-write]

Things I’ve learned about Danny Phantom after finally watching it as a person who avoided watching it for months and read fanfiction instead. 👍🏻✨

Spoiler warning, just in case!

They call themselves the Phandom. (Super cute, I love it, 10/10)

Everything, and I mean Absolutely Everything I’ve learned, is a fucking Lie. (Not fun. I have to rewrite my entire understanding. I feel betrayed. Offended. Gobsmacked. My flabbers are mf gasted. -5/10)

The show is actually really funny. (I enjoyed my experience. 9/10)

Fuck Phantom Planet. (What the fuck was that shit? Um, rewind, redo, no thx, give me back the ghostie boy please. I genuinely didn’t even finish the episode, I got to where he un-died and had to turn it off. I refuse to watch it now. 0/10)

The Phandom was right to steal canon and make it our bitch. (Trans Danny? More Dani/Ellie screen time? Actual plot and lore for the show? Actual in-depth thought to ghosts and their culture? Um, yes please. 1000/10)

Frostbite actually is a doctor. (I don’t know why, but I thought it was another thing the Phandom made up. Love to see it, 10/10)

Wes Weston deserves his own episode. (What do you mean he doesn’t actually exist. What do you mean I don’t get my LGBTQ+ undertones. This is homophobic /j. -10/10)

How do you tell when a ghost is intangible, invisible, or both?? (The show doesn’t have a differentiator between the two, so I’m always confused if people can just see him floating through walls. 3/10)

Guys in White literally do nothing but be annoying. (Another case of the Phandom Lying to us. I love it though, they make really good antagonists. 7/10)

The Fentons are stupid and mildly aggressive, but they do love their kids. (I read a lot of vivisection, child neglect, and general Bad Parents fics so excuse me on that front. 8/10)

Danny didn’t actually beat Pariah Dark? (I love the Ghost King Danny fics, so to find out all he did was shove him into a sarcophagus was a bit of a bummer. He struggles more with Undergrowth than the actual king, like?? 6/10)

He can reach inside himself to take things out. (He ate a spoon in one ep and just reached inside himself to take it out. Pretty cool. 9/10)

Is he actually dead? (Phantom Planet makes it seem as if he just got a bit too high a dose of ectoplasm in his system and it fucked him up, how else could he have just undone the damage? But, most of the Phandom says he legit died in the portal, in which case he could not have gone in and just un-killed himself like he did in Phantom Planet. I think he died, personally. More trauma and angst for my writing. ??/10)

Clockwork appears a lot less than I thought he would. So does Frostbite. (I thought with how much they appear in the Phandom, they must have really important and constant roles, but no. They appear very rarely. Sad face. 5/10)

Vlad sucks. (Vlad fucking sucks. 0/10)

Dani/Ellie is much younger in appearance than I thought. (I looked her up for reference when I first started reading the fics, but she looked 14-15. She actually looks 6-7 years old in show. They literally call her a kid. 8/10)

Dani is what she chose to be called, not a funny joke the Phandom played on itself. (I though it was a silly little haha moment. Nope. The show just… named her that. I think Ellie is the Phandoms choice in calling her?? 8/10)

Why is Danny obsessed with Paulina even while crushing on Sam? (He is actively blushing and flirting with Sam and then they’ll turn around and he’s jumping at the chance to talk to Paulina?? Hate it. 0/10)

Danny and Dash don’t actually date. (I saw this circle around the Phandom a bit, thought it was cute if a bit weird, and then it didn’t happen? 6/10)

No obsessions, no cores, no real reason for the ghosts to be terrorizing Amity Park. (I legit thought it was real in-verse stuff, I’m so disappointed in the lack of it in the show. It could have been so good. 3/10)

Danny doesn’t actually become friends with his ghosts. (They don’t really get along, ever. They don’t talk outside of fighting, except for those who actually like him. Missed opportunity. 4/10)

His Space obsession is actually just a few mentions of him wanting to be an astronaut? (I thought he genuinely had an obsession with the stars and we’d see a lot of him stargazing or word-vomiting about his hyper fixation, but no. Sad. 4/10)

He does go stargazing (maybe?) and flies around when he’s not fighting. (We see him going off as Phantom in the episode where Jazz finds out about him. There are no battles and he looks like he’s having fun flying around. 10/10)

He was called Inviso-Bill?? (Hilarious, I love it, why did no one ever tell me this. 7/10)

He says “Going Ghost!” every time he transforms. Every fucking time. (It’s annoying, it’s ugly, I hate it. I am so glad no fics mentioned this or used it, I think I’d go insane. -1000/10)

That’s all I got for today, and probably for a while. I just wanted to write it down for fun, but I might post more like this eventually.

[drunkenskunk]

So I've been playing a lot of Helldivers II, and it's really fun!

(at least, it is when the servers are working lmao)

However: there is one thing about the game that annoys me. It's the same thing that always annoys me whenever drop pods are mentioned in science fiction.

Nobody ever seems to get them right!

Whenever drop pods show up, they always seem to depict each pod as a single projectile rocketing towards the surface of a planet, usually behind enemy lines. They're the logical sci fi evolution of airborne infantry dropping in by parachute, because a lot of military sci fi tropes have trouble moving past WWII. And, y'know, that's fine. That's not the issue I have.

The issue is the single projectile part.

It's almost like every writer who includes drop pods forget that anti-aircraft weapons and SAM sites are currently a thing in the real world and would almost certainly still exist and be better in the science fiction space future. Those drop pods rocketing towards the surface would present the juiciest targets imaginable and would almost certainly get shot out of the sky before they even got close to impacting on the surface.

Annoyingly, the only sci fi that I know of to ever get drop pods right is the first one to ever do it: the Starship Troopers novel by Robert Heinlein.

Now, say what you will about Heinlein - and I do, quite often. For the most part, he's not that great of a writer, and his politics are terrible. The man was an asshole who loved writing wet farts of fascist porn, and the novel absolutely pales in comparison to Paul Verhoeven's 1998 masterpiece of satire, where he took one look at the book, rolled his eyes, and started making jerk-off motions.

But when I first read the novel when I was, like, 6 years old, I was a dumbass child and didn't notice (or care) about the... I mean, I'd call it "fascist subtext" except that it's literally just The Text. No, what drew me in was the one singular thing Heinlein was actually good at writing: technical sequences, written from an in-universe lens.

The way he described how the drop pods actually work in the first few pages of the novel - and, more importantly, how they don't immediately get shot out of the sky - is great! It makes sense, it's easy to understand (because Johnny Rico is, let's be honest: an idiot, he's not going to give you a complicated explanation), and it fills in a plot hole you never realized was there.

For as many faults as the man had as both a writer and a human being, and for all the many problems the rest of the book has, that first chapter - and specifically the drop pod sequence - is a great hook.

Like, this is the template for drop pods. This is The Thing that people are referencing whenever drop pods show up in sci fi, like in fucking Halo, or Starcraft, or Warhammer 40k. And everyone always seems to forget the single most important thing about this infantry delivery system: the countermeasures.

I dunno. This is just one of those things that's always annoyed me.

[theroguescientist]

Polish scientist watches Orb: Episode 6

So in this episode we're introduced to Badeni, a somewhat unusual monk. Like, I kept wondering why he chose to be a monk, when he clearly does not have the humility for it. I guess it's a way for a sufficiently intellectual troublemaker to get some education and maybe gain access to some information that is off limits to other people.

"Will these documents dramatically change my life" Yeah, probably. And to most people this would be a threat, but to this guy it's a promise.

So that "abbey" he used to be at was some kind of research institution… which didn't want him to so so much research? Okay, that's weird and I fully understand his frustration with it.

But, yeah, I also understand his superiors' frustration with his arrogance. He doesn't want to just do what he's told. He thinks he's better than others and in some ways he might actually be. A guy like this doesn't belong in a monastery, but they don't wanna risk letting him out either.

And he wants to discover something great. A relatable motivation, tbh :P And he's arrogant and reckless about it. Seems like the right man for the job.

Oooh! The church has a library of forbidden writings! Makes sense that they would read a text first before banning it, but still it's interesting that such a library exists. Right here, at this abbey, huh?

Why is that book just lying there? Someone could easily break in and steal it!

Aaand he broke in and tried to steal it.

Wait, it this that guy's office? It's a trap, isn't it?

Yep. Of course it's a trap.

Great. We've got another genius who is also kinda dumb. Looking forward to watching him work with the overly cautious uneducated peasant :)

Observe Mars. It's easy. The instructions are in the diary. And poor Oczy can't read much and is afraid to look at the sky. Not that this would occur to someone like Badeni.

This is a very real phenomenon. People who know a lot about a certain topic tend to expect others to know something about it even when there's no reason to expect that. I actually know a math professor who used to be really annoyed at the fact that his students didn't even know calculus. What was he supposed to be teaching them, you ask? Calculus! They don't know it because you haven't taught them yet, dummy!

Anyway, Oczy did it! He looked at the sky! And it stared back at him, but he did it. Because if he doesn't, what did they die for? The only people he's ever met whose deaths seemed meaningful?

Badeni gives a whole lecture about Aristotle and Ptolemy… to a guy who's never heard of them. It's okay, Oczy. This is exactly how I felt at my first quantum physics conference. At my second, I presented some new research. Being utterly confused might actually be a necessary step towards understanding something new.

Anyway, yeah, this is going to be a fun dynamic.

Heaven and Earth are one. Yeah, isn't that a beautiful thought? This show can really make things we take for granted today seem amazing. Heaven and Earth are one. That means the Earth is not special. But it also means it's a part of that beautiful universe. A planet in another world's sky.

And these medieval peasants will never see it. And I will only ever see it in pictures where it's just another little dot in the sky and you need some astronomical knowledge to even recognize it without someone pointing it out. Really, the thought of it is more beautiful than the image itself. There are worlds in the sky, and you live in their skies.

Also, Oczy looking up at the sky just like that without freaking out. You're doing great, buddy. Keep going.

[the-fallen-blue]

Fandom is so weird.

We all accept the, for lack of a better term, physical metaphysics of a fantasy world. I've absolutely never once in my life seen someone say "FTL isn't real in the real world, I don't believe it can ever happen. Therefore, it must also not be real in Star Wars. Everything in Star Wars must happen in a single solar system for the characters to be able to travel between planets in a single lifetime. Wookiees have to actually be from Mars."

And I mean, of course they aren't, because that makes the canon and all its characters incoherent and insane. Han is always desperately trying to repair technology that doesn't even exist. When Leia or Padme talk about "star systems" they turn from intelligent politicians to deranged flat earthers who don't understand the most basic geography of the political entities they're responsible for. Ships suddenly appearing when they drop out of hyperspace become straight up mistakes on the part of the art team, portraying something that isn't actually happening and therefore misrepresenting the actual canon of the world. The story, in a hundred small and large ways, relies on FTL being real, and if you reject that, it becomes a completely different story, where the smart heroes are actually confused morons and nobody's decisions make sense. No one would consider that a reasonable lens through which to view and interpret the story.

But the moral metaphysics? I see genuinely intelligent people who make genuinely intelligent and insightful commentary on Star Wars then turn around and say "I don't believe the Dark Side is evil because I don't believe that ontological evil is real. I have a totally different interpretation of how it works, and if canon ever literally straight-up disagrees with me it must be because of unreliable narrators, because No Ontological Evil is the only reasonable lens to examine a story from imo." And of course that makes the Jedi really dumb and Palpatine really irrational and Kreia Kind Of Right, Actually, because the story is based on the presumption that all of its metaphysics hold true, and when you kick one out from under it, it becomes something totally different, but this is actually widely considered a totally normal difference of opinion and a valid way to reinterpret a genre story.

Now, I recognize that there's a meaningful difference between physical metaphysics and moral metaphysics. No one in the real world is arguing that C is nonsense, and it doesn't affect most people's day to day, while people are very much arguing that evil is real or not real, and the way people react to whichever perspective they hold actually shapes people's lives. So on the one hand I get being defensive about it.

On the other hand, like... the Dark Side is evil. That's the premise. It's kind of crucial to the story! You don't even have to like it, you can totally hate it! I kind of hate the premise of Fallout, personally, despite generally enjoying the series a lot. Post-apocalyptic settings annoy me for a variety of reasons! I'm still not going to claim the NCR can't be trusted because "they think they represent California but they literally can't because California is still intact and somewhere else, because I don't agree with the apocalypse premise. Here's my complex alternate explanation for the presence of the Hoover Dam."

[chororine]

let's talk about Cubert Farnsworth

something nobody said during the production of season 7

The most striking thing about Cubert, to me, is the fact that in the most literal sense possible, he had no childhood.

Well, no early childhood – in “A Clone of My Own”, we see Cubert spring into existence as a fully-formed twelve-year-old, having only previously existed in a “mentally undeveloped” state in a tank in Professor Farnsworth’s basement. This is obviously convenient from a writing standpoint, allowing Futurama’s showrunners to introduce a new character effectively out of nowhere (their original plan to do so in “A Big Piece of Garbage” having fallen through) – but I think it also explains a lot about Cubert from an in-universe perspective, and makes an interesting lens through which to view one of the show’s most divisive characters.

Generally speaking, we as viewers are used to meeting characters and then witnessing their backstory, either all at once or in small chunks scattered across episodes - Futurama itself goes as far back as Fry, Leela and Bender’s births in seasons 3, 4 and 3 respectively – but Cubert is in the unique position of his “birth” (so to speak) also being his introduction to the audience. While most of that audience simply brushed his character off as “annoying” and that was the writers’ intention according to the audio commentary for his debut episode, I want to set authorial intent aside for now and focus strictly on what the text shows us: someone who was artificially created for a specific purpose, like Bender, raised without a traditional family, like Leela, and who entered the world of the 31st century through a glass tube, like Fry.

Despite having a surprising amount in common with our three main heroes, Cubert is markedly different from them in his actual personality, which (at first) is driven largely by reason and logical sense, and that… well, makes logical sense. As with most of the sci-fi concepts Futurama employs in the service of good stories and jokes, the show glosses over the finer details of how Cubert can emerge from the cloning tank with all his motor skills and the ability to form sentences, but it’s reasonable to assume that whatever arcane scientific process the Professor used prioritises imbuing the clone with concrete knowledge over anything subjective. Cubert’s behaviour corroborates this: the very first piece of knowledge he displays is (in a quiet subversion of cloning tropes) self-knowledge, namely the knowledge that he’s a genius.

ok so the park line isn’t strictly relevant but cmon you can’t quote this scene without it

Cubert’s approach to suddenly springing to life with a ready-made body and personality is to engage with the adults around him head-on: said personality is pompous, pedantic and pugnacious (...as in “confrontational”, not as in a crack about his nose). He struts into Planet Express like he owns the place (which, of course, he will one day) right in the middle of season 2, the point where it’s safe to say the audience and characters (even fish-out-of-water Fry) have both adjusted to the show’s status quo: Professor Farnsworth can create anything as long as it’s funny or convenient to the plot (or both); Bender is an integral part of the “family”; Leela can beat up anyone who deserves it. But Cubert, who was abruptly thrust into the midst of that status quo, relentlessly questions it: how exactly would scientists “increase the speed of light”? What use would a delivery company have for a bending unit? Should Leela really fly with just one eye? Audiences and characters alike generally like sticking to the status quo (as this ever self-aware show pointed out back in “When Aliens Attack”), so it’s really no wonder Cubert rubbed people on both sides of the fourth wall the wrong way.

you know someone’s being insufferable when not even Turanga “it’s not his fault he’s an unstoppable killing machine” Leela likes them lol. believe it or not this IS a pro-Cubert post stick with me here

Questioning established norms is no bad thing, but the way Cubert goes about it is very... blunt, and far from endearing: he’s dismissive of the Professor’s “junk heap” of inventions and viciously mocks the Planet Express crew, painting people he’s only just met as incompetent and, later in the episode, calling Fry an idiot to his face. Make no mistake, this is… as we say in my neck of the woods, it’s not on. But while Cubert’s lack of socialisation “growing up" doesn’t excuse his tactlessness, it might very well explain it - along with him lacking the childlike wonder his fellow suspended animation survivor, Fry, felt at being thrust headlong into a world where the only limit to science is imagination. To use the episode’s Arc Words, “nothing is impossible”... except, it would seem, Cubert fitting in with the misfits who make up Planet Express.

Professor Farnsworth is eager to take Cubert under his wing, but also demonstrates where the latter gets that bluntness, being transparent about his intent to have his clone “spend his life finishing his inventions”. With that in mind, perhaps it’s not surprising that Cubert initially attempts to distance himself from the Professor, coldly referring to him as… well, “Professor”.

This is a detail that’s easy to miss or overlook on first viewing of the episode, but it effortlessly and efficiently explains what kind of relationship between the two Cubert initially desired: he acknowledges that they share DNA, but would prefer a “creator-creation” dynamic – perhaps akin to a robot and their maker - over anything familial. He states his disinterest in fulfilling his intended purpose as an inventor without a trace of the self-doubt that plagued Bender upon quitting his job and meeting Fry (or in the face of being replaced by a more up-to-date robot, or of being forgotten, or…), creating the impression that Cubert has a good deal more confidence and self-awareness than even an adult in a similar position to him, but also that he’s – let’s be fair to him – a complete dick, pointedly declaring himself the Professor’s “only half-decent invention”.

But as is often the case in fiction, that complete dickery serves a purpose in creating the catalyst for the episode’s fast-paced third act: the dejected Professor checking himself into cyber-retirement. In a perfect example of the characters’ recently-found comfort with the status quo, Fry immediately expresses a desire to rescue his boss who causes him more problems than he solves (what with the potentially fatal delivery missions and all), but who’s also family - a sentiment his non-blood relatives, or at least Leela, seem to share.

The only person at Planet Express who questions this desire is - who else - Cubert, but Fry brushes off his concerns with a well-placed “nothing is impossible” (the episode’s second use of the phrase). As an implicit reminder of Cubert’s status as a misfit among misfits, he, as a child character among a cast of adults, lacks the agency to avoid getting dragged along on the rescue mission for reasons that aren’t initially clear, to him or the audience.

It turns out Cubert’s purpose on the trip to the Near Death Star is to be both a DNA donor and part of Fry’s 160-year-old man disguise. Our three heroes do most of the heavy lifting (literally in Fry’s case), relegating Cubert to what he initially does best: complaining. While he does express a bit of (at this point) uncharacteristic concern for the comatose Professor, it comes after he airs his grievances about the ridiculousness of Leela’s plan, having to be Fry’s hump and the “stupid robot” – so maybe it’s a bit of well-placed karma that he gets knocked out mid-chase scene by a passing space station door, neatly excising him from the episode’s narrative.

...or so it would seem: in reality, the episode’s final two scenes circle right back to Cubert and his character arc. He springs awake to deliver the episode’s third and final “nothing is impossible”, having finally internalised the truth of it - and the secret of how to fix the ship’s damaged engines - thanks to a conveniently-timed dream (a borderline deus ex machina that may be an allusion to Groening and Cohen’s inspiration for Cubert, Wesley Crusher of Star Trek: The Next Generation – I did say at the beginning I was going to set authorial intent aside “for now”). Despite this apparent 180, Cubert demonstrates that he’s still fundamentally himself by shooting down Bender’s labelling of his discovery about the ship’s engines as “a complete load”. Evidently, Cubert’s nocturnal, almost divine revelation enabled him to use his sharp tongue for good rather than evil, as this discovery and Cubert’s quick repair of the engine is what allows the main trio and Farnsworths to safely escape from the Sunset Squad.

The episode’s conclusion uses a few well-chosen words and pieces of animated-acting to bring many aspects of Cubert’s character full circle. Most obvious among these is the conflict of whether or not he’ll fulfil his intended purpose; the Professor granting Cubert permission not to is a noble but ironic gesture, as the latter admits to having accepted his destiny, but only on his terms: not as a copy, but as a family member. Futurama, at its best, is masterful at showing and not telling; for instance, because Cubert initially addressed his creator as “Professor”, him switching to “Dad” completely unprompted feels like a display of agency as well as love.

And because Cubert had no childhood, him smiling with his whole face for the first time in the episode also marks him doing so for the first time in his life.

Let’s take a brief step back outside the text itself and look at it in relation to the various reactions viewers have had to it, because the episode’s resolution is something that… well, viewers have had varying reactions to. Looking up the episode on Wikipedia, you’ll find a citation of The A.V. Club’s review: one Zach Handlen wasn’t a fan, claiming that “[Cubert’s] shift from “This is stupid and doesn’t make any sense” to “Anything is possible!” doesn’t make a lot of sense”. YouTuber Johnny 2 Cellos seemed to enjoy the episode and Cubert’s character considerably more, but still said of Cubert’s decision to follow in his father’s footsteps that he’s “not sure [it] was the best lesson” - and honestly, they both raise valid points. Cubert’s change of heart is rather abrupt, and a step removed from the typical feel-good narrative of choosing your own destiny and becoming whatever you want… but nonetheless, I do think it’s a plus for his character, and to explain why I need to go back to the very first episode of the show.

The aforementioned “choosing your own destiny” narrative is so prevalent that Futurama itself has played with it from the beginning – and I do mean “played with”, not “used wholesale”. This is, of course, a fantastical show, but it always keeps a degree of emotional realism close to its heart; part of that realism is Fry’s one-way trip into the future not being the straightforward wish fulfilment he initially expected, as his new life still involves having a job, and it’s nominally the same dead-end job he once longed to escape. But Fry isn’t resigned to this: instead, he accepts the hand the universe has dealt him and makes it work for him…

…in fact, the theme of accepting one’s fate on one’s own terms is a theme that runs through Futurama all the way to the end of the original run.

And right in the middle of that run lies Cubert, perfectly exemplifying that nuanced theme with little more than the word “Dad.”

That choice to – again - show and not tell the change in how Cubert views his creator-father is something that I feel mitigates the suddenness of his change of outlook: wanting to emulate one’s father is a different feeling than wanting to emulate one’s creator, and a very human feeling... as is having sudden, eye-opening experiences in one’s preteen years. Cubert’s arc in this episode could be seen as a microcosm of growing up, and as a story of someone who thought he knew everything realising he still has growing up to do… and about a season later, we get to see him do some of that growing up.

Much like Cubert himself was initially intended as one thing and grew into another (on both meta and in-universe levels), I started this post with the intent to analyse him as a character but it ended up more focused on “A Clone of My Own” specifically – I might as well continue on this path and analyse “The Route of All Evil” as well. However, I don’t feel the need to do so quite so meticulously simply because Cubert is a far more straightforward character in the latter episode - and that in itself speaks volumes about what’s going on under that ginger muffin-shaped haircut.

This episode provides an explanation of Cubert’s absence throughout the second half of season 2, a glimpse into the life he’s been living off-screen at boarding school and something any good character needs: a companion to bounce off of. Dwight has less distinct characterisation than Cubert (partly as a result of having one less episode worth of development at this point), but I do think what he does have is worth analysing. I won’t do so too deeply, at least not here, simply because it’d be outside the scope of this post, but I will touch on the aspects that are relevant to my point: the ways in which he complements and contrasts Cubert.

Cubert and Dwight are similar in their intellect, precociousness, love of retro video games (really retro by the year 3002) and in being besieged by a bully, but the latter is less talkative and more chilled-out (as exemplified by him having no visible reaction to his best friend being sent flying by a mail tube), yet more business-minded: his immediate reaction to being presented with something new (always a fun way to tell us about a character) is to question its value as a product… while Cubert’s reaction to the same new thing is to use it for a prank.

As he demonstrated with Bender at the end of “A Clone of My Own”, Cubert hasn’t lost his fire in gaining respect for his father’s line of work: again, him addressing the Professor as “Dad” says a lot with few words, and remembering the context of his debut episode makes his “useless contraption” comment feel more like playful ribbing than genuine dismissal. Indeed Cubert spends much of the first act of this episode causing annoying-but-ultimately-harmless problems for the adults around him, along with Dwight, who evidently shares his interest in pranks. That interest of his wasn’t explicitly shown in his debut, but feels like a natural offshoot of his sarcastic sense of humour... and could also be chalked up to the change from the ultimate sheltered upbringing to a “normal” school environment. That in itself is a refreshing approach for the show to take: while probably done for simplicity’s sake, it shows that Cubert’s clone status is no barrier to him enjoying a normal childhood, as Leela’s orphan status was to her, or Bender’s robot status sometimes is to him sharing his adulthood with his organic friends (but the specifics of Cubert’s school life are more within the realm of speculation and headcanons, so I won’t dwell on them here).

Of course, the main thrust of “The Route of All Evil”’s plot is Cubert and Dwight’s business endeavour: Awesome Express. Again, I don’t need to analyse their motivations for founding their own delivery company too closely, because… well, Dwight outright states them in the episode.

Most people can relate, on some level, to wanting a loved one to be proud of them; a desire so universal is a perfect demonstration of Cubert’s newfound normality. It’s a sharp turn from his apparent superiority complex over his father and future employees in “A Clone of My Own”, but clearly one that made him happier: the permanent smug grin of his debut episode has given way to laughter at Hermes’ expense, casually sharing Dwight’s game console, celebrating their victory over Brett Blob (or rather his window)… I could list more, but you get the point. Enjoying the childhood that started twelve years too late without really dwelling on it feels like a natural evolution from where we left Cubert in season 2 – but not a wholesale change, as he still possesses the spark of madness he inherited from his father.

In the process of running Awesome Express, Cubert and Dwight make both upstanding and underhanded decisions: they have the prodigious business skills to quickly become more profitable than Planet Express, and rather than frivolously spending their earnings, they put them towards fair wages for their new employees Leela, Bender and Fry… and the absolutely vital flame decals for the ship.

Not all their decisions are that ethically sound or badass, though: Cubert and Dwight ultimately kick out and fire their fathers, respectively. Professor Farnsworth becoming homeless (though Hermes and LaBarbara are willing to at least temporarily put him up) as a result of his son’s hubris is another time I can see where Cubert’s haters are coming from, along with his moments of ableism directed at Leela’s vision problems and Fry’s… er, That Brain Thing – but karma swiftly comes down upon him and Dwight when they grow overconfident with their workload, leading to the first time we see Cubert cry on-screen (one of only two unambiguously canon times in the entire show) and the aforementioned admission of their motivations.

Luckily for the boys, their fathers recognise the purity of their motivations enough to forgive them for their questionable behaviour, and are quick to “do a little father-son weaselling out of this”. Professor Farnsworth and Hermes prove their love for their sons with actions, not words, solving their problem with the former’s arsenal of gadgets and the latter’s perfect aim as a “paper-man”... and ultimately put themselves through the ringer by attempting to fight the father of their sons’ bully, Mr. H. G. Blob. This one-sided “fight” results in slapstick humour, but also a show of Futurama’s emotional realism shining through its often cynical sensibilities.

This episode’s ending focuses more on “three fathers, enjoying a day out with their sons” as a group than Cubert or Dwight as individuals, but that in itself is a nice way to bring this duology of episodes full circle: Cubert is Professor Farnsworth’s son, no different from how Dwight and Brett are Hermes and H.G.’s sons. Perhaps he does fit into the abnormal, non-traditional family that is Planet Express after all.

fun fact: “Planet Espresso” dropped while I was still writing this post and it made “The Route of All Evil” hit different now I know Hermes in particular was working extra hard to end the cycle of parental neglect. not relevant to the whole “Cubert good” point but still interesting, at least to me

Now, you’re probably thinking that this is the part where I talk about “Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV”, and… yeah. You’re technically right, I will briefly touch on it – but it won’t be complimentary.

Someone being “out of character” is a common complaint when it comes to TV show writing, but I’ll be completely honest: in my opinion, having Cubert, a character whose whole deal used to be questioning the status quo and authority figures (and in “The Route of All Evil” trying to surpass them), open the episode by admitting he and his equally precocious best friend want to mindlessly emulate what they see on TV goes beyond “out of character”. Cubert and Dwight’s intellectual-yet-rebellious nature would’ve served this plot perfectly, as it would’ve provided an opportunity for the writers to call attention to them not acting like themselves as a result of Bender’s influence – but the key gap between idea and execution is that the adults around them don’t treat their mindless viewing habits as something out of the ordinary for them. A simple “this isn’t like you” from the Professor or Hermes would’ve gone a long way, but as it is, it feels as though the boys’ past characterisation was intentionally ignored in order to more easily execute a storyline that could’ve been done in The Simpsons, with Bart and Milhouse succumbing to the allure of a newly-famous Homer’s bad influence.

In particular, the line “we can celebrate the day I extracted you from the cloning tank” kind of breaks my brain: we’ve seen that day in the show, and the more I go back to this episode, the more I feel like there’s nothing left of the Cubert the Professor extracted from the cloning tank – the one I just spent five pages analysing - in this specific Cubert (or the Dwight who crushed Planet Express with Dwight Lightning in this Dwight, for that matter). No scientific skills, no use of his trademark snort, no biting-but-good-natured jabs at his adult companions… nothing. To be fair, the episode does have a few nice ideas (the concept of a Growth Scraping Day itself, Tinny Tim becoming the third member of the kids’ friend group and them getting to do a little crime as a treat), but they’re so thoroughly surrounded by… well, everything else that I personally choose not to incorporate this episode into my mental picture of Cubert (or Dwight).

I’ll be the first to admit there are a lot of duds and weird writing choices among the post-revival episodes of Futurama, but I also think fans of the show have a tendency to put the Fox era on a pedestal while completely dismissing the later seasons - even though “Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV” (along with “Bend Her” but that’s a rant for another time) proves that even season 4, often touted as the show’s peak, can be as guilty of bad characterisation or formulaic plots as the Comedy Central or Hulu eras. Conversely, season 6 in particular was flawed but did plenty of things right, and one of those things was using Cubert in interesting ways: “The Late Philip J. Fry” is the most famous example, but “A Clockwork Origin” and “Overclockwise” are both notable for succeeding at building on the foundation laid out in “A Clone of My Own” and “The Route of All Evil” - where Cubert’s last outing of the original run failed.

Whether that foundation was laid down intentionally or simply as a compromise between multiple creators, writers and directors that happened to meet a particular subjective reading, to me it’s an incredibly strong one: a fish-out-of-water who was abruptly thrust into the chaotic world of the 31st century but survives and thrives in his own funny, interesting, slightly unhinged way, just like Fry, Leela or Bender. Cubert isn’t for everyone, but I hope I’ve demonstrated why he resonated with me so much when I watched the show at his age, and why thinking of him as simply “the annoying kid” was… well, impossible.

This post is long enough as it is, so rather than analysing “The Late Philip J. Fry” (well, enough people have analysed that one already that I don’t really need to) and the two “clock” episodes of season 6, I’ll leave you with the suggestion to (re)watch them yourself with an open mind… and to keep an eye out for Cubert in the Hulu run. As I alluded to at the top of this post, season 7 conspicuously pretended he didn’t exist outside of one dubiously canon skit, so maybe it’d be too much to hope for future seasons to explore him in detail… but as a wise old man and his son once said, nothing is impossible.

Not if you can imagine it.

THANK YOU FOR READING (or at least skimming) ALL THE WAY TO THE END OF THIS POST!!! as a reward for indulging my autism please treat yourself to a nice turducken spread with your found family. merry hulurama to all and to all a good night

[the-worms-in-your-bones]

Lore notes: Weapon of Choice

‘You’re late’ → i feel like this has to be on purpose given he has time travel, torvald just did that on purpose

All the other representatives of the temporal powers seem vaguely annoyed by torvald, they keep saying ‘time lord’ in a derogatory way

Torvald is being pretty rude to them as well though

Black right rods → something important in time travel it seems

Seems to be a sort of doorbell type thing before they enter the actual code to get in the door (well at least we hear them type in a few things before romana tells them to come in)

Time technology assessment team → thing that exists now and that the time lords are a part of

There seems to be regular files and matrix records as separate things → k9 checks files (also a little funny to me that the robot dog seemingly has access to files relating to time lord government) and when he doesn’t find anything brax says to check the matrix records

Project alpha → project that created (or didn’t according to narvin) the timonic fusion device (‘a napalm of the timeline, something to erase embarrassing stains’)

Project was kept very secret it seems, not even knowledge the president has (though it was something she could access)

Also why are narvin and brax the last surviving people from that team, gotta say, seems mildly suspicious, and with what we know of brax’s tendencies/history and the cia i wouldn’t be entirely surprised if there was something going on there

Gryben → ‘temporal reception enclave’ ‘The bubble world at the Despond Irregularity’

Also a protectorate of gallifrey

Pigbear, horsecat, batsnake → gallifreyan animals

‘For the city never does’ → unchanging nature of time lord society

A line between the city and the outside → could be metaphorical, but they do talk about it in a way that makes it seem like there is in fact a physical boundary

Lady Leela → leela given a title (interesting to me since she is very much seen as an outsider, is this just brax, or did her marriage to andred give her that title)

‘No husband, no home. That is the time lords way’ → her staying on the planet is only conditional on her relationships to time lords, she has no merit on the planet on her own in the view of the time lords

‘For us gallifreyans time travel is a privilege’ → but the thing is it isn’t though, it’s really only for time lords, and they treat it as a right, time travel is theirs, others are only allowed to use it

Honestly just everything about the way they’re talking about time travel here, it's only for certain people, you have to be one of the temporal powers to not get diverted and then pretty much trapped on gryben

Also the controlled vs regulated, romana may be more progressive in her language, but the end result is the same isn’t it

People who escaped things through time travel often forced to stay on gryben because they can’t go back to their home planets/times → time lords (and presumably the other temporal powers as well) aren’t willing to actually do anything to help, they just don't want people they deem as lesser or unworthy of time travel mucking up their vortex

Also narvin clearly doesn’t even believe these excuses

Gryben situation seemingly a newer thing, in replacement of the methods that the cia used to use (which were almost certainly worse → ‘a far less civilized manner’)

Free time hates the time lords the most, unsurprising since they are more or less the self appointed gods of time

There are some tardises that are built to be the same size inside and out

‘It is not processed and sterile like the food on gallifrey’

Torvald doesn’t have any money on him → could very well be that he didn’t bring any as part of the disguise or something, but also could be something something time lords don’t actually carry around money, a good amount of their systems are based on biodata (or similarly biological imprints) so maybe he just wouldn’t have money because if he ever needs to pay for something the purchase is made based on an account linked to biodata (that or they don’t really do money in the same way, though with things that time lords don’t do we typically see them being a little confused about it, but torvald didn’t) (also leela expected him to have money, so that means she knows he would know about it)

Temporal power alliance not the most stable

Romana gets called imperiatrix, responds ‘that is not a usual form of address’

Time lords were the only ones to try and build a timonic fusion device, but not the only ones to know it could be a thing → something something of course they would want a weapon that could be used in the vortex

Gryben appeals procedure works on time lord time scales, which is to say slowly, if you can live thousands of years, having things take a long time wouldn’t be all that unreasonable

‘That’d make the Monans a Temporal Superpower on par with the Time Lords’ → she says this as if it’s completely ridiculous, even romana, who is much more willing to work with non gallifreyans than most time lords still clearly holds the belief that time lords are superior in the world of time travel

The bit about leela having one heart not necessarily making her human → time lord could remove a heart to disguise them self (or for another reason i suppose) (though it seems that this is maybe not a likely thing to do

‘They think their age gives them precedence, and crush those who will not submit to their benevolent domination, but their state is rotten and decayed. Their decrepitude is the foundation of their tyranny’ → perspective on the time lords from a human (not really all that inaccurate though, they really do suck and think that they are better than everyone else just because they have been around longer)

‘Amendment Nine Four Nine subsection Three: Emergency powers. Security forces may inspect any dominion at any time and without prior warning where a clear and present danger is suspected’ → one of the parts of the temporal treaties between the powers

Micro spans seem to be longer than a second, but less than live 5 ish

Blast wave from gryben might reach gallifrey → it’s relatively close then?

Time control → seems to have control over tardises and transduction barriers (at least outside of gallifrey, idk about the one on gallifrey) and are on call to the cia and president, and brax (actually, who can call these guys and just tell them what to do, and how does a cardinal have the ability to override the president's orders)

Also him not wanting to let her let people get away because that’s just not the way it’s done

The time lords and monans are like one move away from a full out war

Brax has a stazer → why would a cardinal have a stazer, doesn’t seem like a job that would necessitate him carrying one around, and it clearly wasn’t like a secret one, since romana knew he had it and it wasn’t like a thing that he had one

There is a ‘proper period of mourning’ for when a president dies, seemingly this need to take place before an election can take place to appoint a new president

‘President of Gallifrey and all her dominions’ → once again just noting down the different descriptions for the president

Once again, time lord is being used more as an insult than a descriptor

It is possible to impeach a time lord president

Romana banned the mind probe

Romana’s changes are unpopular among many → time lords don’t like change

‘You didn’t start the third space war then’ → well there were two wars previously

‘the impeachment of a Time Lord President is a most rare event’

‘I’m planning to keep this job for a very, very long time’ → makes me wonder how presidential terms work, there’s that bit from the invasion of time(?) where a time lord mentions a president being in office for something like 900 years

[candywife333]

King Squishy

Disclaimer/Triggers: Fic is in no way representative of Yoongi's personality or thoughts in real life. Crude language.

Note: Completed part 1 guys. Hope you like it!!! Not edited as usual (btw, when I say not edited- I mean I haven't edited it perfectly. I still edit to some degree as I write, but due to wanting to churn out the volume of fics I want to get out there, with my time constraints --I tend to not officially sit down and edit every piece extensively ). I plan to have one more part to finish the story.

[PART 1]

She stared at the screen, squinting her eyes, completely tired from the strain of focusing on the screen in front of her. King Squishy, his ugly blob Majesty, trudged over to her. She had been recruited by the planet, Xalaxia, to manage their secretarial works requiring communications with earth. Since she knew the Xalaxian dialect and English with fluency, she had been the perfect gal for the job.

Y/N wouldn't have minded working on the lush green planet with pink golden sunsets, if not for her treacherously annoying and strict boss. The king of the planet himself. King Yoongi. Or as she liked to refer to him as, the bane of her existence. He would always harp on her to finish the work quickly even when she was ahead of schedule. And he would unscrupulously watch over her every move ,as though she were committing a crime by working diligently on behalf of his stale, rank pumpernickel ass.

He wasn't fluent in English, so he relied on her a lot for even diplomatic efforts of his planet. Here he came, entering the room with an infuriated face, waddling his squishy amber, amorphous ass resembling jelly like a duck. All the people on this planet had two forms, one that resembled something more similar to humans--average heights reaching up to 6 feet and up. The other form most of them carried was that of a a normal human face on top of what could not be described in any other words other than a goopy blob that would shapeshift to form humongous tentacles. The black appendages would sometimes drip inky obsidian fluids as they walked, leaving what Y/N called , a "xalaxian trail".

Y/N tiredly drawled out as she typed a document without moving her eyes off the screen, "What service would you like to procure from me today your Majesty"?

Yoongi snarled as he threw a bunch of papers onto her desk, "Is this what you call a complete financial report of the trade embargo we have between Earth? It has a bunch of typos, even I would be able to tell!!!! Why are you so incompetent, you lazy woman"?

I bristled, alive with fury as I attempted to calm down, staring at the document he threw at me. I felt like laughing when I figured out what his problem was. "Ummm, Sir, you do know that these type of letters require more official language ,right? The spellings are all correct. Whatever you have marked in red ink is just the past tense of regular English verbs. We don't say ever say the word "thinked", we say "thought", to express past tense".

His entire face blanched as he started sputtering in a fury, "F-f-fix it then, you human imbecile"!

And he immediately scurried away, his prominent trail viscously dripping after him. I had to not choke on my own laughter, as I stared at a human blob try to run away from me. His magestically goopy form, was trying to get away, but the massive size of his tush was not letting him, making him look like he was twerking and wiggling his butt as he tried to abscond.

Xalaxians did not wear robes or any clothing for that matter in their blob-like forms, they only wore them when they were humanoid in shape.

Y/N sighed, the days on Xalaxia were becoming monotonous, as she felt encumbered with all the excess transmissions to be translated. She was leaving late nowadays from her work station, dropping down on her bed exhausted, instantaneously falling asleep. It had been exciting in the beginning, with all the cuisines, colorful people, and beautiful outdoor environment. But with the way she had been transferred from working with the kind council member Taehyung to becoming the king's secretary, it had been a less than pleasant transition, putting it very lightly.

She pondered with her hands holding up her chin, maybe she should apply for the yearly mating banquet. Humans were allowed to participate. It was quite simply put, a banquet where people found mates (permanent mates, not casual ones). Y/N had not participated in the last two years she had been on Xalaxia. But even she was feeling a bit lonely from time to time. Maybe a mate would help curb that. She wasn't getting any younger.

Xalaxians mated for life, and since their life span of 1000 years instantaneously conferred upon their partner once a mating bond was formed, it was a very big deal who your partner was. Y/N dreamily imagined finding a kind Xalaxian who would treat her right and give her children, something she had always wanted. They would live in a gorgeous garden estate and relax, sharing a marriage bed. She felt like blushing at the mere thought.

She typed up and submitted the application form on her bed. A tinkling sound came from her lap top indicating that the form had been submitted. Before Y/N could even process the happiness and possibility that would come of starting the search for a mate, she got a phone call.

As she picked up the call from an unknown number, she heard a screeching voice, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??? HOW COULD YOU SUBMIT A MATE FORM WITHOUT MY PERMISSION, WHEN YOU ARE MY SECRETARY? I FORBID YOU Y/N, I FORBID YOU FROM LOOKING FOR A MATE"!

Y/N's indignance peaked, who the hell did this king think he was? Forbidding her from finding a mate, something that was mandated by law as a privilege allowed to every resident of Xalaxia. Y/n calmly replied, "And I fail to see how that is my problem, you rank ass goop ball. Don't test me, sire. If you infringe upon my rights, I shall merely quit the job. What exactly is your problem anyway"?

He yodeled back, exasperated, "YOU. YOU. It's always fucking YOU". Y/N felt so irritated and frustrated at his vague proclamations. "And what do you even mean by that, Sire"?

He sobbed , clearly inebriated from drinking, as he would never show such expressions of emotion otherwise. "You wouldn't work for me anymore, if you found a mate".

Y/N sniped back, rather confused at his intent, "And how is that supposed to be my concern"?

------------------------------------

Y/N didn't understand his bloody problem. Always scolding her for no goddamn reason. His rotund, lardaceous, jiggly ass needed a reality check and quick.

The Royal Banquet Hall of Xalaxia was teeming with otherworldly flora in myriad shapes and sizes-bulbous fluorescent fuchsia tendrils winding across the delicate crystalline roof of the massive glass greenhouse where the banquet was taking place. The hall pulsed with an iridescent lacquer which changed hue every few minutes.

Floating orbs containing singular candles were suspended in clusters in the air casting flickering shadows of lavender and gold. At the far end of the massive hall, seated amidst a sea of other ministers was King young --shrouded in a fine fabric shimmering purple and gold, in his humanoid form for once. It was so he could negotiate with all the alien dignitaries who had come from various foreign planets. So they wouldn't be confused or intimidated by his voluptuous cakes. A clear hazard that came with the job.

He sat on his ever glowing fungal, slimy throne with a rigidity-- reminiscent of a street lamp. His posture screamed : I am pretending to not lose my shit at any given moment. Something Y/N was well accustomed to seeing.

And see she did.

She swept through the entrance of the hall, dressed in a frothy, whimsical pink fabric that shimmered- mimicking the luster of a nebula. The dress was woven with Xalaxian silk, infusing the dress with a mauve gradient at the hem of the gown--printed with gold inscriptions traditional to the tribal regions of the planet. Her attire hugged her perfectly, allowing her to glide into the room --leaving a deluge of scintillating particles in her wake.

Her lips were painted a brilliant berry color - mimicking drippleberries (plants native to the planet) and her hair was braided with the violet xalaa flowers that bloomed once in a year, on the night of the full moon on Xalaxia. They were rare flowers that bloomed and died , depending on the life form they came in contact with. The fact that they trusted Y/N enough to adorn her hair, sent out a clear message.

All in all, she was stunning and the current center of attention as other foreign dignitaries flocked towards her to get a glimpse. Her generous bosom spilled into the deep neck of the gown showed off her shimmering skin. She looked as though she had bathed herself in drippleberry juice--a concoction known for hydration which made the skin visibly glisten with a dewy confidence.

She was being swarmed , alien males with too many appendages , men with spiked tails trailing behind them. Males even goopier and uglier than Yoongi as well. A fog of pheromones flooding the atmosphere as countless people tried to catch her attention, make conversation with her, and even dare to lure her close enough---just enough to get a taste perhaps.

All things that enraged Young as he tried to maintain a smidgeon of his regal composure.

She walked into the hall like she owned it, like a rare precious treasure that was ready to be stolen by hungry eyes and hands. Hands that King Yoongi wouldn't let even remain in the same vicinity. He glared indignantly at all the happenings.

"Are you ok , your Highness"? A council member hesitantly uttered.

"I'm fine Phillips", Yoongi muttered. "Just internally combusting, nothing new".

As belligerent as he was , at all these aliens staring at his Y/N, he couldn't stop staring at her beauty .Her grace, her. He couldn't look away. He couldn't even think of anything other than her.

His inner conscience was rattling at him.

Her tits are glistening. Why are they so shiny? Control yourself, Yoongi. This is a political diplomatic event. You are a monarch, a leader, respected ....atleast till yesterday you were.

He slapped himself on the cheeks.

Get it together.

She turned, smiling at someone. And Yoongi almost growled in exasperation.

Nope. He thought he could handle it and he couldn't. I'm going to start an intergalactic war with the way this is going. She's mine. And I'm damn well keeping her. Someone control me before I convert to my blob form. I'M ABOUT TO SLITHER.

He was frothing at the mouth, about to snatch up and stab a prehensile tentacled bastard.

And he thought, things couldn't get worse right?

Well, they just fucking did.

Yoongi's globular eyes twitched with contempt as he saw the suave , tall, striking prominent emissary, Sir Kaelith of the Andorre Nebula talk and interact with his Y/N. The guy walked like he was floating.

Yoongi gritted his stubby little teeth, even damaging his gums in the process. He was about to draw blood. The dude's devastating bone structure and angular jaw line that could cut through Xalaxian steel intimidated Yoongi. What if she ran away with this smooth talking , assless bastard. What was Yoongi to do? Smile as the woman of his dreams married and had kids with this fool?

His eyes were glued to the two of them. The guy who wasn't him extended his hand to Y/N. And that is when Yoongi could literally feel the fumes pour out his ears, he was about to see red.

Y/N looked up at this guy sweetly , stepping into the alien emissary's arms as he fluidly ushered her into a lively dance , twirling her as he encircled her waist with his strong arms.

Across the room , Yoongi was shattering. His eyebrows twitched maniacally, his form started flickering , the flute of a wine glass he was tightly gripping cracked. If he didn't do something now , he would fly into a gelatinous rage.

And we all know that King Yoongi in his goopy form, could not be controlled. His chief secretary paled at the thought. The king had no point of return once he flew off the handle. Unhinged was one way to describe the king in his fury. Insane, mad, savage may be other accurate descriptors as well.

The cherry on top of the messed up sundae was when Y/N hugged the ambassador.

That's when King Yoongi's chief secretary pressed the red button on his wrist watch.

Well, at least they could say they tried to control the situation that was about to transpire.

[bitchin-beskar]

Arranged marriage along with the trope of enemies to friends to lovers with Paz, bestie, let's Kook (ehehehe) this thot together

You are a royalty, a princess, and your parents set you up with rival clan's best warrior Paz Vizsla, bc it will boost their prestige and help the business or whatever ✨

oh bestie you always give me the most DELICIOUS thots to think about

and yes @catsnkooks you are a part of this as well come be horny on main with us (also @maybege we're talkin' bout paz get ur cute butt over here)

ANYWAYS

enemies to lovers combined with arranged marriage is STUNNING

as princess, you know it's your duty to marry well and provide for your people, and unfortunately that means giving up the freedom to marry for love

maybe it'd be easier, but your husband-to-be is the most arrogant, conceited, self-centered jerk to ever exist in the wider galaxy. you don't even know what he looks like.

he's the right hand of the Mand'alor, their most decorated warrior, and unfortunately for you, to maintain peace between your people and the Mandalorians, you have to marry him.

you're determined to hate him, but you also know that you can't let your family down, so you're prepared to walk into this marriage with your head held high, and refuse to bow down to a man who's been nothing but obnoxious and annoying the entire courting period.

the ceremony was nothing like you'd dreamed as a child. Mandalorians are a simple, self-sufficient and practical people. there was no wedding dress or bouquet, no elaborate decor or friends and family dressed in their best to celebrate. it was a simple, quick ceremony, with their Armorer and a priest from your planet's temple, and in minutes you were now a wife.

you stand in your new chambers, staring out the window to the fields below, your heart aching as you mourn the loss of childhood dreams.

rough, calloused hands slide around your waist, pulling you back against a broad chest. you stiffen, but refuse to turn around or give any indication that you're paying attention to him. you won't give him the satisfaction.

"why so pouty, wife?"

you cannot help the scoff that escapes, unable to ignore the smug condescension that drips from his tone at the word wife.

"you're so cold. it's our wedding night, mesh'la," he croons sickly sweet, though you feel your lip curl in a grimace at the Mando'a. he knows you haven't had a chance to learn the language, and you just know he's taking advantage to insult you when you don't know any better. "I wonder how quickly I can warm you up."

"don't get your hopes up, husband," you whisper, voice almost a snarl. "I'm not interested. I despise you."

he chuckles, and the feeling of his chest vibrating against your back sends unwanted shivers down your spine.

"oh, mesh'la. what does despising me have to do with anything?" you open your mouth to retort, but he grips your hips and grinds you back against him, letting you feel the prominent bulge in his trousers. "you can despise me all you want."

you bite your lip to hold back a groan. whatever other complaints you might have, you can't complain about how he feels against you.

"I can't believe you're hard right now. all we've done is argue and fight. how can that possibly turn you on?"

you hear a slight hiss back behind your ear, and then the thud of beskar hitting the floor. before you have time to comprehend the consequences of what that means, there are lisps on your neck, pressing a biting kiss to the sensitive skin there. the unexpected contact makes you yelp, and you jump in his arms, accidentally grinding back against him.

"ner mesh'la," he says laughingly, his voice low and syrupy thick. "I'm Mandalorian. for us, fighting is foreplay."

[charmtale]

people give the 90s anime starlights a lot of shit and frankly it's not my favorite incarnation of the trio either despite everything i'm about to say. BUT imagine everyone on your entire planet was killed (+your job is to keep them alive, so you're a complete failure) and your princess (your job is especially to keep her alive) ran away and you have to chase her to some random other planet where you think she maybe is and in order to get her attention you become a ✨Pop Sensation✨ (it's a suboptimal plan yes. let's not even start) but while you're doing this the minions of the woman who razed your whole planet show up here too and you end up having to still be a senshi on the side. so like when do you even sleep between adapting to an alien world and saving the solar system senshi and giving concerts and going to highschool and dealing with fans and appearing on seemingly every single televised event in tokyo? (you know, in case kakyuu genuinely missed nagareboshi e constantly playing on every single radio station all this time but she'll be attending that random ass game competition happening in episode 191)

you're exhausted. you're doing this for months feeling like you're getting nowhere. but one day it finally turns out your princess is alive! she decides to show herself not because of you three but because sailor moon is in danger. i know sailor moon is the most important princess ever so kakyuu did need to save her but god that's gotta sting And she literally even says 'Yeah i was watching you all along but i didn't say anything lol sorry'. ????? i don't care about her 'i had a Mission + i was hiding from galaxia' excuse because if anything the starlights with their highly distinctive appearance constantly screaming !!!HEY SPACE PRINCESS! COME HERE!!! onstage would attract galaxia's attention the most. just leave a note in their room in kinmokuese that says "hey i'm alive but choosing to hide so please stop shouting about me at maximum volume in front of millions"... regardless then she fuckin dies like two days later (to protect YOU) so she was actually completely right not to trust you with her safety

oh also 66% chance you're annoyed because your leader will not stop flirting with sailor moon no matter how much you remind her you guys have things to do + her actions are pushing the outer senshi to be even more antagonizing towards your group

and 33% chance you're annoyed because your two teammates don't want you to interact with sailor moon even though she's one of very few sources of positive feelings/comfort you have amidst all this and you're very concerned for her well being. either way you have some tension even within your group of 3

I just think if I were in such a situation I would be somewhat out of character myself. and yeah probably more withdrawn and asshole-y than usual... perhaps i would even make less logical decisions than usual - and certainly once my princess died in front of me after 2 episodes of existing, in one of which she confirmed that she had continually chosen not to give me any sign of life at all, i would also not care about the solar system senshi and immediately run into galaxia's living room to get murdered (WHICH THEY ALSO COULDN'T EVEN DO RIGHT AND THEN THEY HAVE TO SPEND THE LAST 5 EPISODES GETTING THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF THEM WHILE ONCE AGAIN WATCHING EVERYONE DIE AROUND THEM)

look at her??????!?!?!?! :(????