#moses fucks up once when god was having a bad day or something

[outfoxt]

Would love to hear about potential parallel stories/lore in judaism 👁👁👁👁💞

i realized that i actually havent thought very in depth about parallels and themes in the bible in a LONG time but let me think...

one that jumped to the forefront of my mind is something that idk if its a theme/parallel or not, but it has to do with moses. in the torah (really in the talmud i think which is a bunch of rabbi's headcanons about the torah that were then accepted as canon later on), when moses was taken in by pharaoh a test was performed to see whether moses would overthrow him, and by extension whether he was safe to keep and raise. that test was to show baby moses two pots: one of gold and riches and one of hot coals, and whichever he grabbed would be indicative as to what kind of son he'd be. so obviously, being a baby, moses starts to go for the shiny stuff. but (so the story goes) since moses has plot armor an angel (of death [?]) reached out and moved his hand to the hot coals. this is important because not only did it secure his safety to grow up under pharaoh's watch, but it burned his hand, which he then put in his mouth which permanantly burned his tongue and gave him a lisp. now the lisp isnt really talked about much more until later on, and its kind of minor so i get why its often left out, but it changes the whole feeling of the story! because of the lisp, moses gets nervous to speak in front of pharaoh's mages, and so it's aaron who does the talking when they turn their staffs into snakes. it's aaron (iirc) who speaks to the hebrews and tells them the word of god. moses is the one who speaks directly to god and does his bidding in the stories, but aaron is the one who conveys the information. and AND i just remembered this continues!! it continues to be true that moses doesnt always tell his own story!! in the scientific world it is generally accepted that there are a few different authors/compilers of the torah, but in judaism there is one main accepted truth of how it was written with two endings: moses wrote the whole thing up until the last chapter when he was on mount sinai, writing down word for word what god told him to. the ending, though, changes because at the end of the bible moses dies there is a debate over whether moses wrote his own death before it happened (since god is omnipresent blah blah blah) or whether joshua took over for him after he died. if the latter is true, that would be the second time someone tells moses' story for him!! first aaron tells the mages and the hebrews who moses is and why he was sent to save them, and then joshua tells the story of his death and his exile from the holy land! there are THEMES and MOTIFS i can SEE THEM

i have no idea if this is what you were asking for but thank you for inviting me to infodump XD <3

[punkscowardschampions]

Roses pt.4

Moses: [they are both elated on this day because it cannot be overstated how perfect her reactions are for him, she truly gives him everything he wants in the absolute mix of what Edie and Ali used to and what they would never, really scratching that itch the way nobody else has ever, KISSING her SO HARD when she demands directions to his because it’s such a jali fuck you and he LOVES it not to mention the prospect of her coming home with him, thank god he didn’t put his seatbelt on because he’s truly up in her grill aggressively making out with her, only breaking away when someone’s headlights go past their parked car and remind him that they are supposed to be driving away before someone asks them if they’ve got car trouble/otherwise involves themselves in what is going on, showing her again how to start this car because y’all were v distracted when he first showed up, putting his hand over hers until it is, then teaching her everything she needs to know to reverse out, giving when my boo and auntie max have to help me]

Rio: [oh lads, you’d be very cute if this was in any way age-appropriate but that’s simply not going to fly with anyone I fear, not after being her step-father, however for you two in the moment y’all are truly living laughing loving, making out with him once again like you have nowhere else to be and so close to once again taking your seatbelt off but the headlights stop you just in time, giving him the most sorry not sorry look of all time, very knowing you’re going to get away with your bad behaviour; can actually learn some things here, trying to pay attention because you’d have some idea and would want to show you can do this to impress him but it’s also a dreamy situation for him to be teaching you so you gotta be a little 😍 too]

Moses: [oops my boo be shipping that’s Winnie’s masterplan I fear, soz not soz everyone that he’s giving her an actual (albeit v flirty) driving lesson all the way to wherever he’s living, it’s still a site whether or not it’s the site Sophie Turner moved back to with Johnny when his mum got ill or you’ve gone somewhere else, you’re welcome for the mostly quiet country roads made quieter by whatever time it is at this point because neither of you can concentrate that hard, we will catch him throwing her underwear out of the window while she’s driving like I said, so soz too to anyone that finds that]

Rio: [like obviously it cannot happen but it’s also not something you would do if you didn’t believe in it so there’s no point you denying it hun, that would make you a lot worse if you were just banging him lol that’s unhinged; but yes, here having a marvellous time getting to drive this sports car and even though you won’t go as fast as he did you’ll be going faster than you have ever just played around in your mum’s vehicles or whatever before now and it’ll feel EXHILARATING mixed with the combination of what you’ve done here and the fact you’re going to stay the night and lie that you’re over a friend’s, thank god sophie turner nor ronan will be there if they ever were because y’all do not need that level of confrontation of your crimes out the gate and they’d definitely recognise you lol; shaking your head and tutting at him playfully ‘they were really nice’ like excuse me, might’ve wanted those back because obviously you wore good underwear, you knew what was going to happen here]

Moses: [jemily regrets nothing we’re having a marvellous time, this man is the type of man who always carries SO much cash so getting his wallet out and stacking some euro notes on her thigh exactly where he put his hand earlier when he was driving ‘that nice?’ with a look like or do you need some more, but obvs he’s adding more money without waiting for her to answer, just keeping going adding whatever notes he’s pulling out without checking, seeing how many will be piled up before she tells him to stop, it’s a game like his speed creeping up when he drove or their behaviour escalating but it’s also serious because culturally yes he does wanna provide for her like a daughter/wife, we all remember when Johnny gave Ali that money]

Rio: [mhmm, we remember it all too well, saving for their life that they didn’t get to live until now, gah; thank goodness this isn’t the second after you’ve banged so we don’t get in our head that we’re being paid for here because not the mood, not you honestly telling him how much these undies cost as if he’ll take away this whole stack like okay then because he’s obviously put SO much more cash on you and you aren’t going to pretend you don’t love to see it, for whomst, here instead trying to focus on the road and staying DEADLY still so it doesn’t collapse and go everywhere]

Moses: [imagine if he was paying her off like go away and keep your mouth shut, not the vibe, do take a note away but so you can snort some more drugs off the car’s dashboard and then putting it straight back with some more because he couldn’t give less of a fuck how much they actually cost clearly he’s having too much fun, letting the stack collapse into her lap because you jenga’d said note out instead of taking the one from the top case in point, who can say if some is falling to the floor also, he’ll worry about that later, building the tower back up so you can touch her not because it matters] 

Rio: [devastating, this girl has enough trauma of Buster rebuffing her any time anything has remotely happened between them, she would have to run off into the night casually and that is not practical or safe, never mind the heartbreaking nature, no thank you lol; here watching him like he is the child right now, very oh you about this, we’re not going to be concerned about your money ‘cos it ain’t ours to count but we do find you amusing, picking up a few of these notes and putting them under your bra strap, would put some in your underwear band too but he’s got rid of them so you cannot, reaching over to wipe the drug residue from under his nose with your thumb (which is something Buster has done to her in iterations if not this one yet), licking it off ‘you don’t mind, me coming back’ bit late to check in once you’ve demanded but you know he doesn’t so you’re just saying it to have him say it back]

Moses: [the game has now changed to how many notes can he fit down her top/dress in the cleavage this girl has regardless, very distracting when she’s trying to drive but does he care, no, it’s rude he hasn’t offered her any this time but it’s even ruder that the ruster happened when we did the newest st paddys before this redo we’re on now so it hasn’t happened yet here, they’ve barely interacted in person though so I’m sure it will ‘I’d mind you going home’ because he would he doesn’t want her to go]

Rio: [rude but a good thing because you’re far more likely to crash than he is and we don’t need to stack your odds any harder when you’re already too distracted by him doing this, as proven by you accidentally putting your foot down on the pedal because you’re pressing into his hands unthinkingly and you have to remind yourself to chill and pull it back, still LOOKING over at him before you do ‘I don’t want to’ because you do not and you are not going to, taking a hand off the wheel to GRAB his ‘I want to be with you’ as if that wasn’t painfully obvious]

Moses: [the way he reacts the opposite way a responsible person would to her speeding up is the realest, out here pushing her foot off the pedal with his own and putting his foot down so they’re going faster than she has so far, LOOKING at her and HANHOLDING as they speed ‘you’re with me’ how these boys say it not at all casually which means you’re mine]

Rio: [‘don’t let me crash’ because like him displaying his dominance and strength over you, this is hot but you need to know he’s in control so you can’t genuinely drive y’all off the road and straight into a ditch or a tree, we meant that don’t with our whole chest, which is hitching because we’re !! at this development, still got all these notes just peeking out too nbd ‘tell me what to do’ because you’re his but again, like show me]

Moses: [‘Nothing is gonna happen to you unless I want it to’ because that’s the tea he is in control to a degree that this poor gal doesn’t even fathom yet, using their handholding to take the wheel and correct her slightly where she has drifted off course because of being distracted af, telling her to take some kind of turn or in some way deviate from the way they were going, he isn’t telling her why, whether it’s a shortcut because he’s impatient to get her back or he’s taking a lil detour to take her somewhere else first, because that’s up to Winnie to decide, it’s his choose your own adventure moment cos both are moods] 

Rio: [nodding, keep having to look back at him even though you’re trying to look at the road because you can’t not and you’re also showing him that ‘I trust you’ every time you look away and let him do the driving, saying it again but with a curious smile like what are you up to when he turns y’all into this detour, I suppose you’ve already had to pull over and time depending, where else would yous go rn, Edward Bear must find out further deets and decide]

Moses: [I agree I’m on team shortcut because I just know it would be through somewhere they are absolutely not supposed to go because it’s literally dangerous especially in this sports car because countryside and they could literally get stranded/cause damage to this car/themselves, once again we will let you get back safe actually though but the adrenaline will spike again because she’s being a good driver and the journey is not dramatic enough for this man lol, plus like I said, he’s impatient to get her back, testing the trust she has for him by making her lowkey go off roading hehe]

Rio: [We in agreeance and I hope your car does get a little fucked, purely for our knowledge because I know you won’t care and it will not be the first time that’s happened but still, a sports car for off-roading is the opposite of what you need and thus you must, as well as to prove yourself here, taking a hand off the wheel and running it down his thigh, PUSHING his leg down to accelerate and really GRIPPING into his flesh about it, y’all are both going to be getting bounced around like crazy which will make you laugh at how jittery everything has got]

Moses: [it tracks for the vibe of everything y’all have done so far and will continue to do and yeah his car getting fucked up is necessary because we aren’t letting y’all but we are trying to be semi realistic that there are consequences even though they don’t care about them, put your seatbelt on so you don’t get thrown around more than is fun and while you do, tell her how much time this shortcut takes off the ETA of getting to his because you want her to know just how impatient you are, it’s giving that it cuts the time in half or something wild hence you’re doing it, cray as he is he wouldn’t fuck his car up for the sake of 10 mins lol]

Rio: [exactement, and if not this time another time you’re sneaking, we could have it made clear that you aren’t where you said you were and with who, there are lots of little ways to do it without doing the big #expose before we want to, ANYWAYS; gasping like how rude when he puts his seatbelt on for the first time, like it’s your driving and not the terrain, oh the casual not at all casual heart eyes you then throw at him because SUCH a compliment that he needs to get you back that fast and it’s all down to you, smiling to yourself smugly like hehe, speeding up a smidge to reward him]

Moses: [yeah all the scenarios we can do will be really fun, I say Win play illicit affairs, not you immediately taking your seatbelt off like oh okay you don’t want me to wear it I won’t, waiting to see if how she’ll react because you shamelessly want her to be 🥺 like omg nooo put it back on and be safe obvs esp because she has sped up]

Rio: [we’re gonna have a ball baby boy, as these fools are because we know that’s the sort of girl she is, everyone’s mum alert, frowning at him to the degree it’s ALMOST a scowl like no, lifting off the speed but not hitting the break, just going what would feel a snail’s pace in comparison to how you have been moving ‘daddy’ in that serious way kids tell you off sometimes and it’s like ooh okay, that’s me told]

Moses: [she is that girl and he knows it because he has known her since she was a literal baby, the shameless ploy was always going to work, crossing his arms to playfully mock her because she would if she could rn but she’s driving, so amused and so here for it, we all know he’s recounting some story of when she was little and told him off in that exact way and even if he is getting some of the deets wrong how always he do she won’t necessarily remember because she was young at the time so he’ll get away with it]

Rio: [‘even your arms aren’t that strong’ like he’s showing you that he doesn’t need a seatbelt when he can just use these lol, reaching over to do his seatbelt for him in that very harassed way when you’re trying to drive and your kid asks you to do anything and you’re like ahh but you’re softening so much at this story and the way he’s telling it, you’re instantly 🥺 all over again, softly saying the Gypsy word for daddy instead, how Edie would’ve and you would’ve before you understood that Caleb was meant to be your dad and it might upset him (though he’d have to be around to know about it, FLOP) and all that strange step-family politics that comes with ‘I’m so bossy’ chastising yourself because when peeps don’t want your mothering you would hear that OFTEN]

Moses: [committing the absolute cliche of GRABBING her arm and stopping her from clicking that seatbelt in just to show her how strong he is and how easily he can overpower her and be the bossy one, it’s giving a wrist grab which upsets me because you are not Buster sir but I must do it because he is not and the parallels/absolute differences between the same gesture are important because he’s doing it HARDER than my boy ever would even at his most !! like you know when you feel shit move in your wrist that’s how hard he’s doing this, but only for a beat, returning to the hookup this will only hurt for a sec energy because it would hurt, but then he’s letting go and clicking the seatbelt in himself, again to be the one in control of this, the way the story did not pause or falter for any of that though is actually insane btw, he’s still speaking and telling this adorable story like he didn’t just show he could break her wrist if he wanted, softening himself immediately for her doing it because that word will always get him like nothing else, playing with her fingers so gently in contrast, all of this happening so quickly it’d be such a rollercoaster headfuck of different sensations, shaking his head ‘you know what you really are’ like bossy is not it because she does exactly what he wants and follows his lead always]

Rio: [me like you did not have to prove that assertion wrong but clearly we did and oh my; we’d already be shocked by it because it is such a Buster thing to do to the point you’d have that split second of is it him even though that is quite literally impossible and thus ridiculous but your brain just went there and you do not want your brain to go there so you’re putting your foot down as the tightness of his grip increases and getting up to mad speeds as you wince only partly from the pressure and more from the reminder of Buster, shaking your head in a different way to him, like you’re clearing it with the motion, slowing down from your breakneck speed and looking at him ‘and now so do you’]

Moses: [‘where’d you go?’ because you know she drifted off somewhere for a sec there, it’s said casually but the addition of the gypsy word for baby would feel and is meant to make it lowkey accusatory like excuse me you’re MY baby how dare you just check out when you’re with me]

Rio: [rolling your eyes to try and break the tension like ugh, sorry, what am I like ‘this kid used to always grab me like that, to be annoying’ downplaying it as much as you can without telling a lie about it, making it sound like it’s ancient history and just another walk down memory lane as he’s telling you this childhood story it’s made you think about that time]

Moses: [you’d have no reason to disbelieve it so I’m gonna say you do, none of these boys are masterminds we’ve never said that, so making your own face like oh okay fuck that kid but otherwise leaving it at that, put music back on but picking a songs to blast that fit the childhood memory lane of it all even if it’s giving disney soundtrack with how little girl it is, something that you remember her always wanting you to play in the car is the point]

Rio: [when your childhood was the frozen, moana so on and so forth era so what an absolute bop this undoubtedly is that Moses would be so thrilled to play for y’all, grinning at him once again like you’re that child because he’s clearly remembered this correctly and you’re buzzing, just SANGING it out because of course you still know the words]

Moses: [like, it could also be an absolute pop banger of whatever year but we get the point either way, when you’re used to Edie being shy of her singing now especially in front of you so you’re lowkey shooketh that she’s singing her heart out but in the best way, I’m sure she’s decent too because all of Alison’s children are p talented musically even if they don’t actively pursue it and you’re a church going girlie and we all know that helps too, he’ll be here full heart eyes once again just enjoying this totally for everything it is]

Rio: [mhmm, all these kids can sing well enough and it’s mostly about a presence which Rio undeniably has, even pissing about here in your car, looking at him and gesturing like sing along even though you don’t really expect him to remember the words and you’re still heart eyes that he remembered the song full stop, in an instrumental interlude, asking ‘did we cramp your style?’ because the lifestyle change was real and you want to know how he felt]

Moses: [^^ she’s her mother’s daughter with that same presence her atm unborn baby sister also has, it’s what everyone’s here for about Ali so he would be therefore about this gal too, gesturing for her to carry on like I couldn’t possibly steal your thunder girl but really he just isn’t that bitch that he’s gonna join in ‘’course not’ which could read as omg no ily so much you could never but I know actually means that he still did exactly what he wanted to do even as a father to these 3 children because it was Ali who was putting in the work and he was just doing the bits he found fun or that said children would love him for, exactly like he’s still doing with Edie to this day]

Rio: [so like a man, you wouldn’t expect to do anything else to be father of the year and Ali would honestly not be asking much because she just needed the romantic distraction shamelessly and you weren’t an out and out dick so free pass was given tbh ‘but you don’t want to do it again?’ when you genuinely were just asking conversationally because he didn’t have a hard go of it so why not have more than the one but because y’all have just banged you feel like it looks like you’ve just asked him for yourself and you’re going BRIGHT RED about it like oh no ‘not like that’ like I am sorry lol]

Moses: [it’s the realest, you were there to fuck Alison senseless and you did sir, we all know, not to mention give her some feeling of safety and security which you also did, ‘I didn’t’ not you shamelessly hinting here that you’d do it again with her but not outright saying it so you could just mean at the time no but this is a different time/you’re older etc, go to jail, watching her go even redder undeniably at that anyway, reaching out and rubbing his knuckles across her hot af cheek]

Rio: [when you are pretty sure he’s teasing you but that doesn’t save you from getting redder because you’re still THINKING about it now and wondering why the hell you had to bring that up, biting your lip when he runs his knuckles across your cheek, making a little !! noise that he probably can’t hear but you can see her lips move when she does it ‘I never imagined a future without kids’ doing a little shrug, because it’s true but now you’re like well can I have anything I wanted or is none of it going to happen]

Moses: [you’d always feel a little bit like this man is teasing you because that’s so his vibe and sometimes it’s nastier than other times, here and now you’re both clearly into the pretence like you were when you were talking before and it got brought up and in, bringing his knuckle to her lip when it moves, just resting it there for a sec ‘at your age I never imagined the future’ cos lowkey you still don’t you’re very live in the moment though I’m sure it’s harder to be now at your big age and you have to a bit more now]

Rio: [kissing it again, in this brief moment ‘Reckon it’s a better way to live’ because feeling like you’ve put all your eggs in one basket and now you have to rethink everything and of course, feeling like Buster is obsessed with his future and that’s all that matters to him which is a personal hurt at this moment in time so yeah, you’d rather follow your impulses too for the now ‘would you have liked me?’ raising a brow, signalling that he can be honest about it]

Moses: [a shrug because honestly you’re clearly not 100% happy with how you’ve been living and feel like something is missing or this wouldn’t have happened from your end cos like my boo said you’re not just banging each other and you’ve both got your own reasons for wanting this ‘you don’t need to ask’ in a we both know I would’ve way not a stfu way because she’s hot and does as she’s told but without being the utter doormat his mother is and all the other things he likes and has always looked for]

Rio: [cocking your head towards him but keeping your eyes forward, like you can talk to me about it because he said he genuinely wanted to talk and we do too even though we aren’t mad how we’ve ended up today, not forcing him to and only leaving a beat of silence before carrying on so the vibe is not awkward ‘but I’m such a needy little baby’ using the Gypsy word once again for baby, sending yourself up here for asking a question you know the answer to but also you got bants because you know that’s exactly why he likes you now]

Moses: [when you clearly do wanna talk about it but getting into it when she’s driving and can’t give you the full attention you’d obvs want if you do open up on any level doesn’t feel like the move ‘I like needy’ because you do, no bants detected, even if sometimes depending what mood you’re in what you like is to reject that neediness as you did with poor Carly and you defs do with some of these wives whereas you’re here for it with others, soz not soz he’s led by vibes and whims ‘and babies’ but using the gypsy word for them too]

Rio: [real, y’all got time to talk and the time is not now when you’re getting across some field or something to cut time off this journey lol, nodding because you know both these things about him and you are here for them both, smiling about it ‘they’ll want me to work as a babysitter not a barmaid before too long’ because baby Maggie is cooking and it’s a weird vibe even if we are ultimately excited it’s still like okay, got here very quickly]

Moses: [‘but you’re tiny’ to playfully mock her again like no no you can’t you’re just a lil baby yourself you just said so but then he’s remembering how small she is with vivid flashbacks to all of their antics, and therefore he’s LOOKING at her ‘so very very small’ said INDECENTLY with all the emphasis]

Rio: [about to say something sassy about not being too tiny to serve him pints or something but then he’s LOOKING at you when you glance over and then he says that and you are also having those FLASHBACKS, pushing some of your hair behind your ear and lifting it off your neck like you’re having a hot flush casually ‘please say we’re close now’ because we ain’t even gonna make it to this club energy has reentered the chat]

Moses: [WATCHING her messing with her hair like she’s doing a way more indecent thing over there because it’s getting to you like that as are the bombardment of flashbacks, launching himself at her to KISS the back of her neck and behind her ear in SUCH an extra way, messing with her hair himself obvs more than she ever did ‘I’ll get you close again’ because he said he was earlier in the sauciest way possible and that’s how it’s meant rn]

Rio: [GASPING like he just bit you or something more dramatic than just a kiss because WHAT a kiss and there’s nothing just about it, reaching a hand behind to find him, feel him, even though you’re then going to say ‘I’ll crash’ like keep your hands on the wheel and eyes on the road then miss ma’am but we know you won’t and you aren’t stopping driving even though you could ‘but I miss you’ as if it’s been FOREVER when you’ve barely left each other alone]

Moses: [‘we won’t’ all the emphasis on we because this is a team effort now, reaching for the wheel so she can take her hands off it and do whatever she wants with them, his eyes are absolutely never on the road though and this moment is no exception because he’s kissing the side of her neck now like it’s his job, however they gotta play musical chairs while driving he doesn’t care and will never, MOANING against her skin and cray pulse like it’s been forever as his I miss you too because duh]

Rio: [turning your head and pulling his up to kiss him on the mouth HARD for this we correction, no one is looking at the road and it isn’t a lingering kiss but it’s also not brief enough for all that, biting his lip as the to be continued promise you don’t need to make ‘am I allowed to touch you now?’ pondering aloud as you start to undo his trousers like hmm, will you slap me away this time, I don’t think so]

Moses: [we all know not only is he allowing it he’s telling her exactly what to do at every point, like not only are you gonna touch me but THIS is what you’re gonna do hun, because his hands are on the wheel so he can’t show her that way how he’s been doing with driving and so many other things, who can say what he’s into, not I because I’m not a man nor have I ever touched one like that, while driving or otherwise, and I would cringe us both to death if I tried to guess lol, we’re not recovered enough from Susan’s cringe yet lol, the important thing to note is that he is actually watching the road, if only to spur her on to do the most and get him to look away, nevertheless, it’s still the first time he has given driving any of his attention at all so we’ll take it]

Rio: [you know we’re about this and taking it as seriously as your driving lesson, determined to do a good job, watching his face the most intently you have so far because he isn’t looking and you don’t have to hold back at all, can also watch his reactions and spur him on when you see he’s into something and pull back when you want to tease him a little to make it hit when you give him what he wants, kissing his neck and tickling him with your hair (however accidentally because it’s everywhere) in a distracting way ‘you’re a good teacher’ casually, like you’re just commenting on the driving and nothing else]

Moses: [the fact that this is all occurring as they are off-roading an unsuitable car through a field is so funny to me and we must never forget, even though this pair absolutely give no fucks about their surroundings, nodding purely so that it adds to her antics but he couldn’t agree more about how great he is either obvs ‘told you you’ve no need of school’ like it’s casual and a commentary on how lame school is but he’s taking a hand off the wheel so he can hold onto her wrist for a sec, circling his fingers around it like when they were talking about being handcuffed together before and her holding his wrist during the tattoo, all that, like nbd I’ll just willingly keep you away from everywhere and everyone but me]

Rio: [truly, the unhinged nature of this must not be overlooked lmao like it’s made for a memorable first time I will give you that, not about to forget this night in a hurry; shifting in your seat, pushing your thighs together TIGHTLY, increasing your efforts for this sec too, breathing more !! ‘I’d learn so much more being with you’ because you aren’t a school hater but you also know the sort of thing you want to do and feel annoyed that you are too young to do any of it yet, plus the prospect of staying with him is very tempting when you think about it right now ‘Wish I didn’t have to go’ letting out a sigh, disguising the fact you’re regulating your breathing only slightly]

Moses: [another smug smirk like yeah I know you would and because he’s fully aware of her shifting in her seat even if he’s not looking ‘what else did I tell you?’ because he’s told her before in their convo that she doesn’t have to when she was talking about her uniform etc, LOOKING at her then, briefly, and he’s putting both hands back on the wheel again as if that compensates, but not that brief much like her kiss before]

Rio: [the sound of you against the leather is hiding no sins and we know it, smirking as you look down into your lap, going pink about it ‘but you said I couldn’t be your baby too’ suddenly pouting at this memory like that was SO mean but then we’re letting spit drop down into your lap so we can use that to ramp up how we’re touching you]

Moses: [‘it was your fault, teasing me about your other daddy’ STARING at this pout which turns into ofc watching this spit go ‘that was cruel’ like no no YOU’RE so mean, not watching the antics and watching the road again like he’s that mad about it but his body’s reaction is absolutely feral and giving the complete opposite]

Rio: [‘you made me jealous too, I’ve always been jealous of the relationship Edie has with you’ the tea even though you’re saying it now and so indecently you’re also not lying, like, can’t overstate how much this has you losing control and doing the most to him rn ‘I’d do anything for that’]

Moses: [oh lads, it really is the tea and he couldn’t be more into it either, because he literally needs to own that girl like she’s his possession and be the complete centre of her universe and have her obsessed with him, which he clearly did when she was younger but now Edie’s sick of his shit and edam are starting to turn romantic from platonic so he’s losing that and therefore intends to just transfer it to Rio instead, I can’t overstate how much he’s losing it, watch this car go into a pothole on this uneven terrain in a sec because he is NOT concentrating, instead closing his eyes because he’s so overwhelmed by the pleasure of this ‘keep doing what you’re doing and you can have it’ however long that takes him to say and however incoherently]

Rio: [mhmm and Caleb has really done a psychological number on you you don’t even want to address but you know it explains so much of why you’re here but the important thing is we are here and LOSING IT with him ‘You’re the best one, the only one I’d pick, every time’ sounds like you’re just hyping him up but you mean it, not you lowering your head instead of looking out the window like I need you to lmao, breathing against his dick like you have each other’s skin ‘say you want me to be your baby’ letting your tongue flick against him as you say this]

Moses: [Caleb has gifted us so many plot points with the ways he fucks up his 3 daughters alone, oh sir, me and my boo like guys this car is DRIFTING please concentrate before you hit this mini ditch HARD but they aren’t ‘mine’ as a MOAN because of course he does, no notes, taking a hand off the wheel once again to HOLD the back of her neck and her in place so possessively as if she was gonna go anywhere]

Rio: [thanks for that and nothing else floptina, y’all are going to crash but it’ll be a mini crash because you’re lowkey just forgetting to drive at all so at least we don’t have to truly injure yous this time even if it’s a bit of a shock, in this state we’re not giving a fuck about anything but what’s happening in this car, the way you MOAN around him so loudly because you couldn’t be more turned on and if you weren’t literally sucking dick you’d be screaming about it, putting your hands on top of his so you’re really pushing down and have no choice but to do this because that’s what you want]

Moses: [we’ll time it so y’all don’t have this crash at a moment when she could accidentally bite his dick off, deserved as that would be lol, you’re welcome, because he couldn’t be more turned on either and would be having too much fun fully controlling this girl’s head and every move so this needs to occur before either of you will even vaguely calm down, doing the absolute most HOLDING the back of her head too, she’s gonna have a headache even if she wasn’t already concussed from earlier]

Rio: [we’ll be cinematic about it and let you cum just as y’all start to crash because losing control will look slightly less unhinged with that reasoning but we all know what the truth is about what just happened, y’all loved every second of it, potential head injuries and all]

Moses: [yes we simply must, this man is nothing if not a hot cliche and in no world could you not cum as hard as he’s going to without crashing, here jemily are again with their realistic consequences, you’re welcome his car is getting more fucked up than y’all cos we could’ve been a lot meaner than we are, find them in this mini ditch but this man couldn’t care less because he sure did love every second of that and he couldn’t love her more ‘was the first lad you sucked off driving?’ because you know he wasn’t as that would be unhinged and also he’s gonna be nearer her age even if he’s a bit older so it’s even less likely, saying it like you’re welcome because I said I’d undo that for you, here’s a first that’s better]

Rio: [mhmm, y’all are very welcome for everything that just occurred and everything that didn’t, once the car has fully stopped and you can’t get thrown around any more, fully taking your seatbelt off (which would’ve been cutting into you so hard with the shit you were doing) and crawling into his lap so you’re fully face to face ‘he was nothing like you’ said like how could he be, very dismissively because it wasn’t a mood before nevermind now you have something to compare it to ‘you meant what you said’ because you two were running your mouths before he even got here but he’s not gone back on it so you’re SO overjoyed about that]

Moses: [pushing her hair off her face with both hands when she’s in his lap because it would be in a wild state after how much y’all have both touched it and everywhere and he wants to be FULLY face to face seeing her, lifting it off her neck too like she did when she was flustered before, knowing that they’ll be some kind of mark there from how he was gripping onto her during those antics but it’s not there yet so a lil disappointed noise and face like how dare those bruises not be instant when I want them rn immediately, instead running his hands over her body where that seatbelt would’ve been cutting in from her antics and then their abrupt stop to see if it hurts ‘you mean the world to me, baby’ as he’s doing this]

Rio: [🥺 at his disappointed noise and face as if you can do anything about it and make the bruises show quicker, putting her own hands around her throat like you’ll sort this rather than him be disappointed in you, can stop when he starts touching your body though because it definitely would hurt, lifting any clothes necessary so you can see better where it’s really cut into your waist, wincing slightly but you’re too distracted by what he said to be genuinely concerned about any of your injuries ‘I think I’m in love with you’ because you are your mother’s daughter and you’ve said you love him but in love is a different thing altogether]

Moses: [STARING at her hands around her throat because we all know he’d put his over hers if they weren’t already doing something with her hair, but then his GAZE obviously switches to the skin she’s exposing and her potential other injuries being revealed ‘I know you are’ as he’s kissing these seatbelt injuries better so gently like omg I’m so sorry you’re hurt when he’s nothing of the sort or he’d calm down, the arrogance but also it is blatant so you’re not wrong, anyone else who was here if anyone was would see it too]

Rio: [meeting his GAZE briefly before looking away, checking his body over with your eyes as well as your hands, leaving the subject because the fact he responded so casually and didn’t try to tell you no is all you needed to hear in this moment, closing your eyes as he’s kissing you like that ‘can I have a bath at yours?’ because not a bad idea for all the reasons now]

Moses: [smiling because you think that’s a good idea ofc you do pervert ‘no sharing with your sister tonight’ because as babies they would’ve shared always being that close in age and he’s definitely done baths because a fun activity when you only care about playing with toys and flooding the bathroom with water and bubbles, the absolute carnage this man would cause with any of his childcare, winding these children up right before bed when it’s supposed to be calm]

Rio: [my boo says I’ve got your number sweaty and she’s so right for that, smiling at him BIG ‘but I’ll share with you’ shrugging your shoulders casually as you so obviously imagine washing his entire body, running your hands across him until they end up in his hair again ‘we’ll have to use fairy for the bubbles’ clocking him for not having bubble bath lmao, gotta get creative]

Moses: [‘I don’t reckon we’ll both fit’ to remind her how BIG he is lest she ever forget, plus he lives in a caravan realistically so it’s probably a small bath like ours, as he pulls her closer and right to him, like even like this, a shameless excuse to cradle her too though basically because she’s touched him so much and they’re both as shamelessly gonna be imagining the creative positions they could and would have to be in, LOL boo drag him that’s so real, but nevertheless him being like, you can use my [insert his expensive shower gel or shampoo here] because he’s so willing to just let her waste it for bubbles, flaunting that wealth again]

Rio: [looking at him like hm, true ‘I was smaller when we could fit all 3 of us in’ laying your head on his chest like you’re so defeated about this and don’t just want to be on him and have him holding you once again, making an excited noise ‘I’ll smell like you, when you’re gone, I can remember’ sniffing him now for dramatic effect even though you both smell like sex and leather seats at this point and nothing else, still a mood]

Moses: [‘only a bit’ to remind them both how SMALL she still is yet again, taking her hand and doing a hand comparison again before HOLDING it because gotta make the most of not having to drive while you can ‘forget getting rid, I’m going nowhere, got it?’ so possessively and so sincerely ‘you’re mine’ to repeat that because we all remember when he moaned the word not that long ago]

Rio: [doing another excited noise in a different but hardly dissimilar way, you’re about it all, but forever about the size comparison ‘you make me feel that little’ whispering it as if it’s a secret and you can’t let it be overheard when y’all are truly in the middle of nowhere now thanks to that detour ‘just to work’ kissing wherever you lay on his body like that’s all I mean, that I’ll miss you that much ‘you wanna keep me’ pushing yourself up on his chest to look at him again, smiling smugly ‘just for you’]

Moses: [not you putting a hand on her throat because you haven’t stopped thinking about that clearly, the one you’re not still holding her hand with so hard, and picking her up to show her you can one handed easily and she is that little and v light, gently but that doesn’t make it anymore indecent, letting her head touch the roof of this car but not hit it before you lower her back down into your lap ‘I’m of the mind not to go in tomorrow’ in the same whisper, because you have to get up early and go to work and you will not want to ‘but you wanna be a kept woman’ added not in a whisper like ugh maybe I’ll have to, to keep you provided for]

Rio: [SQUEEZING his hand in a way you might believe means put me down but the expression on her face will tell you that it’s the total opposite and she is DYING about this, grinding on his lap happily like you’ve not only just recovered ‘you’ll have to stop turning me on so much’ into his mouth and kissing him lazily and with a smile because you know he won’t and you don’t ever want him to]

Moses: [I can imagine how big her eyes are and he’ll be loving it ‘don’t you ever tell us what I’m to do’ but as per he isn’t saying that like he’s angry the way so many others girls get it, he is the opposite of fuming hence the ‘little girl’ being added unnecessarily but totally necessarily, smiling back at her and kissing her back with a lip bite about it] 

Rio: [said eyes rolling shut as you stifle a moan into his lips at what he’s saying, moving yourself back and forth in really small, tight circles as if he’ll not notice this way and you don’t want him to ‘tell me what to do every waking hour’ because you are so in this and you can’t deal ‘reckon you’ve ruined me for anything but being kept by you’]

Moses: [‘if you’re bothering yourself to move, then move’ ordering her to do it properly or not at all as if y’all don’t have somewhere to be and don’t once again need to move this car ‘you either want ruining proper right now or you don’t’] 

Rio: [going red like you’ve been caught and LOOKING at him in an equally guilty fashion for a beat before you pull down your dress/take your top off so you’re exposing your chest to him, LOOKING at his body and down at your crotches before moving again more dramatically like you’re in the rodeo because if he wants a show he’ll get one, touching your nips and putting his hands over yours, letting him get a touch on your nips every now and then by ‘mistake’ through your fingers, moving harder every time, before moving y’alls hands up to her throat and widening your eyes at him like he’s doing it when it was very much you]

Moses: [he loves to see it, that’s as much part of the show for him as everything that comes after, nodding though when she is going for it because he always will and doesn’t believe in or give a fuck about denying himself anything, hence the life he’s living and trouble he’s always in, he’s the anti-Johnny, because that boy gives Buster a run for his money in terms of doing the right thing and denying himself things, lord knows, giving her throat a gentle squeeze because it’s a test once again, to see how much she can take and what her reaction will be, nevertheless, impatiently barely waiting for her to give one before his mouth is on her nip and he’s SUCKING it like she said when she was running her mouth in the chat]

Rio: [Mhmm, me like Johnathan would NEVER like I sure hope not lmao, we can only have so many degenerates running amok, thank you; still, this girl isn’t mad right now as she nods back at him because of course he can choke you, you really would let him do anything in this moment, PRESSING your throat into his hands when he gets his mouth on you, more for the fact he’s remembered and is thinking about the things you said than the sensation alone]

Moses: [Not MY son I say as if he’s not actually me haha, this boy however I do not claim, the audacity to let her know that you’re thinking about impregnating her rn which is exactly what that gesture means, go to jail, not so different to Johnny in that regard are you now but at least jali were in that together sir, put this teenage child down, he isn’t though, he’s doing the other nip as well, can’t be stopped or tamed]

Rio: [we all know what you mean by this gesture sir, you are catholic at the end of the day, fight it as you may lol, me like please do not get pregnant as if we have no control personally over this, we’re just watching this go down like oh lawd because is she stopping you, hell no]

Moses: [I’m not saying it’s entirely baby Maggie’s fault but if jali weren’t back together and having a baby rn would you want it half as much, the answer is no, because you’ve got this far without having any more kids, me cackling because Ronan was no threat and you didn’t care about them having a baby at all clearly LOL lol, Winnie is like imagine what a cute baby it would be, I say you shh, we all know another hookup is happening though and we all know why, soz girl that Buster literally talked about having babies with you and then denied you so you’ll be GAGGED at this]

Rio: [that’s the tea, you’re big mad for ALL the reasons but that’s no reason to do this, SIR, I think we all knew Ronan wasn’t a threat except poor Ronan lol, oh lads, we all know what’s happening here and that you are living laughing loving once again, really giving each other everything even though none of this should be happening, in this moment y’all want nothing else]

Moses: [what a petty bitch, these boys need to calm down, we all thought Johnny was extra for naming a kid after Ali and having kids in retaliation of some of hers but then there’s THIS, and by this we can all picture the INTENSE af hookup ensuing in which he does NOT pull out]

Rio: [you did not see that coming, no pun intended, here like is he going to freak out now, just casually frozen in whatever spot you died in lol]

Moses: [keeping this girl on her toes 5ever because she’d be expecting him to be mad and if it accidentally happened he would be and has before deffo but we all know he WANTED it to and it was such a deliberate act so of course not, instead what he is gonna do is climb into the driving seat from where they’ve been in the passengers one this entire time and then pull her into his lap again like teehee you’re not in any state to drive back to mine atm so I suppose I will, but like this, with him BIG stroking her hair again like there there for her deadness, lest you forget that you belong to me and there must never be any distance between us, doing all of that so casually and now just driving off when NOTHING is]

Rio: [when you’ve never experienced that before, like obviously not because you were a virgin but someone cumming inside you is entirely different physically and mentally, especially when you’re this girl, at this age and in this current headstate, letting him pull you into his lap because you really aren’t in any state to drive, it’s giving rag doll at this point, pointing to his temples with your index fingers and then twisting into the side of his head here because he’s headfucked you like he said he would, laying your cheek on his shoulder like you might actually go to sleep here on him but I highly doubt you can]

Moses: [which is how you know he’s INSANE (his whole fam is though we know, shoutout ST and Ronan for both being unhinged bitches too) because not only was she a virgin earlier which you know even if you think she’s older than she is because you’re choosing to misremember that but also that was only the 2nd time you’ve hooked with her and this is day 1, to just do that is absolutely WILD and he doesn’t have a lick of remorse about this obvs, grinning at her when she does that like yeah I did, and then doing whatever he did when she was a baby to soothe her to sleep whether that’s rub her back or how you’re speaking to her with shh baby go to sleep etc vibes, she’s too young to remember but it’s clear what you’re channelling here]

Rio: [my boo says you know what you’ve done and he does, no regrets from him on this day, we’re just here having the existential crisis that’s probably fairly standard but on crack because of how extra this man is compared to what a normal teenage boy would be like ‘is that what it’s always like?’ not being entirely clear on what you’re referring to but we mean sex when you don’t have to pull out]

Moses: [and can I just say, the way he goes from wanting to wife her up and literally impregnate her to babying her and ref-ing when she was a baby is VERY upsetting to me personally, stop it, you know you’re doing way too much sir when you make Buster a really dramatic teenage boy look chill, FYI, ‘no’ not even being like you’re special again but she is and it isn’t like that, because that was INTENSE]

Rio: [my boo says I have had enough of your shennanigans boy lol, nodding ‘good’ not like I’m glad I’m so special and you don’t have that all the time (although she’s not not saying that but that’s not our main point currently lol) just like I’m glad that that was as INTENSE for you as it was for me and that the fact I’m still shaking despite how tightly you’re holding me is okay]

Moses: [I am loling because I just remembered she had all those euros down her cleavage, RIP to them, the state of this car at this point, holding her even tighter of course, sorry to the many injuries this girl has that he isn’t sparing a thought for, just softly saying the gypsy lingo equivalent word in her ear like yes I agree but also because it’s giving as I’ve claimed you this is your lingo now]

Rio: [lmao, he’s probably lost a few hundred to the absolute carnage here on this day, at least but does he care, not remotely, never mind the cost to fix the car which you’re at least driving once again and the safest you have all evening so that’s something; copying the word after he’s said it, back in his ear too, swirling your finger around the shape of his ear and back again]

Moses: [calling her a good girl but in gypsy lingo at least so you won’t be as Buster triggered because you might not even know what he’s saying, you’re welcome sir that the car is drivable and you didn’t get stuck in those fields, I imagine you’re back on roads again now for the short distance left to his so p safe in comparison, though there’s the risk of other drivers again so swings and roundabouts, which is just as well because those words were in her ear too and now he’s playing with whatever earring she’s wearing via his mouth, gently so you don’t rip it out of her earlobe but the distraction is no less for that]

Rio: [you can probably put it together because you know good, not sure if he’s called you a little girl in the lingo but it’s a real possibility and you don’t need many context clues to get there when you have heard this language growing up if not fully saying you’re fluent in it ‘bad daddy’ saying bad in english because you don’t know/remember that one but bad is being said like it means the best and she’s kissing his ear lobe and sucking on it gently]

Moses: [I don’t think he has because he hasn’t used the lingo that much yet but in that intense hookup lord only knows what was said, everything and all bets are off if he wasn’t sucking her titty the entire time which is a possibility, but still, I agree she could work it out because Johnny calls Ali smart girl all the time and would’ve in the lingo since he was back if nothing else, giving her the word for best instead of bad shamelessly]

Rio: [‘how do I make you mine?’ like how do I say my daddy as opposed to just the title, whilst you’re finding your tattoo on his arm once more and looking at it, tracing it like you’re trying to memorise it ‘you never wanted to get it covered?’ asking casually but you really want to know how he felt]

Moses: [tell me why this tattoo is angel coded, like cherubs or something, it’s because he’s a hot cliche and I can’t let ruster have anything appaz ‘never, you’re my baby’ saying his ‘my’ again in the lingo so she knows how to do that and for the obvs added emphasis]

Rio: [it’s very legit of a tattoo you would get for a child and very catholic coded too, soz ruster for the reclaiming y’all are going to have to do later, for now she’s here peeping up at him like do you mean that genuinely or do you think it’s the right/hot thing to say because you’d be right but we also want to know the truth about things of course ‘my daddy best’ as something you’re mumbling, which makes you sound like a baby still but you’re not going to be sure on your connecting words and it gets your point across all the same]

Moses: [mhmm I fear I must, soz ruster ‘no getting rid, told you, didn’t I’ because the tattoo counts too, in reality though I just know he’s not that bitch even if he has some drunk ones he could cover he hasn’t because peeps only tend to if they REALLY hate something and can be truly bothered so, when you don’t correct her like you should because you LOVE how baby she sounds]

Rio: [my boo says you just couldn’t be bothered DON’T lie to me and  she’s so real for that ‘make you look hot anyway’ like tehe I know the look you’re going for and it’s working for you boy ‘you still got it for me, only me’ because true, nothing can change that, she knows what this man is about and it ain’t correct grammar sweetie]

Moses: [we’re all well aware that this baby angel tattoo would be a massive hit with the married ladies he likes to bang, they’d be like awww and hence you have kept this for that reason too but this poor girl doesn’t need to know that, flexing said arm muscle in a posey way like yep I know ‘and I’d only get it taken off if you said you wanted it gone’ which is true now] 

Rio: [mhmm, he’s got a very slutty boy look and attitude, we all know that, hanging on his arm when he’s flexing it like he’s an old-fashioned strong man or something ‘why would I want that?’ shaking your head, because you’re thinking of before when you weren’t in touch and it was still a nice thought and gesture to you that he still had it, very much not thinking of a possible future where that’s what you might want]

Moses: [‘hysterics’ with a shrug as if when they have their first argument she’s gonna be like COVER THAT TATTOO but I get it, you’re used to women absolutely losing it at you and you genuinely think that’s what all women eventually do and will become, and also you want her to contradict you and be like OMG no I would never ily so much, so]

Rio: [when that reminds you a little too much of the last time you saw Buster and were smashing up his kitchen so the ha that is meant to be like, how rude! Comes out a little sharper than sassy as intended, shaking your head like no, no ‘not going to happen’]

Moses: [when she told him about that so he gives her a KNOWING look like yeah exactly, so amused though because it wasn’t directed at him so he can be, doing his own lol at her back picturing her being unhinged, ‘psycho’ being said but once again he’s calling her it affectionately unlike the many other girls he’s said it to, a noise like mhmm, ‘you know what’d happen if you turned into a nightmare’ said casually when it’s actually a thinly veiled threat, me like Carly didn’t die for you to still be calling all these poor girls and women nightmares you rude hoe]

Rio: [‘you said you wanted to see it’ raising your eyebrows at him like oh, have you changed your mind? Rolling your eyes but in a similarly affectionate manner like okay sure because you don’t believe that he’d hurt you, whether you should or not is a different discussion]

Moses: [‘now you’re with me there’s just the one way I’m after seeing your eyes roll’ kissing her between her eyes like a sweet little forehead kiss moment except he’s putting it there and doing it harder like you better NOT ever sass me seriously hun]

Rio: [nodding ‘I know how you want me’ because even if this should be a red flag we know your own father has never actually disciplined you or parented you at all so you’re too about it ‘you’re not going to give me any reason to misbehave’]

Moses: [‘as a daughter of mine’ to call her his daughter more than anything because your actual daughter isn’t behaving at all how you want her to these days is she sir and you wish she would, then saying ‘his daughter’ in the lingo so she knows how to say it, even if she does already we’re living our best lives mansplaining regardless]

Rio: [melting, almost literally, back into him, cuddling into him and putting your arms around his waist, you got her because you know how easy it is for you right now ‘best daddy, best daughter’ again in this fractured baby speak, just saying that you’ll behave for him if he takes care of you]

Moses: [Not you kissing her so softly but intensely again after she’s said that, this is why I’m grossed out sir, do you want her to be your daughter or do you wanna bang her, both shouldn’t be an option, but here we are making out for a sec like he’s not driving, breaking away to breathlessly say ‘let’s get you home’ like you’re saying that in an I’ll look after you nice daddy way instead of you being impatient to once more, we see you calling yours home for her too, not subtle]

Rio: [we know it’s both and I suppose you want him to be your daddy and your DADDY so we shouldn’t judge but we are lol, we know this is a bit off but you think you are also fucked up because you wanted your cousin so you’re really rolling with it and going all in, when he says this finally hopping off his lap like okay, focus on driving, holding his hand and rearranging your dress/outfit so you are presentable enough to potentially be seen if anyone is up and out when you get to this caravan park when you’re doing that short walk from this car into his ‘van]

[fckwritersblock]

Act 1: While We’re Young

Chapter 6

Erik Stevens x Black OC

( Unedited.)

I woke up with a killer headache and the sound of my alarm clock going off. I hit it repeatedly trying to get it to shut off to no avail. Frustrated I picked it up launching it across the room. Next was the alarm on my cell and I released a defeated groan. Sitting up, I took in my surrounding trying to remember how I got to my room last night. My makeup was removed, and I was in a large T-shirt with my hair in a bonnet. The only thing I forgot to do was remove my contacts. Slowly getting up, I left my bedroom and went straight to the bathroom. I raised an eyebrow when I saw a glass and aspirin set right next to my glasses.

There was no way I was THAT alert last night.

Frowning I took the packet and washed it down before starting the shower, I had to wash away last nights shame and hangover. 15 minutes later I stepped out wrapping a towel around my body. I didn't even feel slightly Recovered. Removing my contacts and  placing the frames over my eyes, I need coffee.

"Good Mornin'," a raspy baritone greeted me when I got to the kitchen.

"Morning," I mumbled putting on the pot.

"Lemme get a cup,"

I stopped turning around in horror, registering who it was.

"Erik?!"

"Yeah?" He sounded like 'duh'.

"Get out get out get out!" I squealed, holding my towel to me looking for something to throw.

"What about the coffee?"

Erik sounded confused, like he was suppose to be here or something."

"Negro what are you even doing here?!" I exclaimed. "Grab your shit and get out!"

"Damn girl that's how you show gratitude?" I could tell he wasn't getting upset now. "Yo ass don't even know what happened last night."

I froze. Oh fuckkkkk no.

"Tell me we didn't?"

"Naw girl, ion get down like that." He looked disgusted by the thought and I couldn't help but scoff.

"Oh yeah right, I bet. You're such a stand up guy right?" Sarcasm laced in every word as I held the door open for him.

Soon as he crossed the threshold I slammed the door,

"Really Lona that's how we gettin' down now." The anger in his voice was evident and I couldn't help but wonder if he still got that wrinkle in between his eyes like he use to.

"We taken advantage of drunk bitches now Erik.

He was silently for a minute but I knew he was still there.

"You know me better than that." He spoke from the other end. Did I really though?

There was a slight pain in my chest after he said that.

"I use to." I replied loud enough for him to hear before walking back into my room.

"How you feelin' sunshine?"

"I feel like death." I answered.

I laid my head down on the table in the cafeteria Tatiana and Jay were chillin at. I swear to god when you have a hangover it be the longest day ever.

"You don't look far from it either- ouch," Jay rubbed his arm where I hit him.

"I woke up with a massive headache, feelin' like I got by a truck-" I began my list of complaints.

"Probably happened when dude dropped you." Jay mentioned casually.

"-Erik was in my living room just chillin on my couch." I stopped and blinked, looking directly at Jay. "I'm sorry. What? Who dropped me, Erik?"

"Naw, not Erik. Ole dude in the bathroom."

Wait what?" I frowned looking at Tati. "What's he talking about. I was with you wasn't I? Where were you?"

"Ok boo, breathe aite," she placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "No anxiety attacks today. Let me start from the beginning. Dumbass here don't know how to be gentle."

As she explained, i remember arriving, I remember chilling, playing beer pong, taking a few shots. I remember dancing, curving a couple of frat boys, and having a good time. Everything after that was fuzzy.

"So you was tore up girl, but hiding it well. You just said you wanted to throw up s you'd feel better. I'm the one who walked you to the bathroom, again, you didn't look that tore up but I guess when it all started to come up you got worse? I only left because Ashley came to get me since Donise was bout to fight and I needed to stop her. I swear I was only gon for like 7 minutes. When I reminded Doni she was on her last strike here and told her we had to get you home we both came right back to find Erik literally trying punch his way thru ole' dudes skull."

"What?" My eyes widened.

"Yeah, apparently Erik caught bruh tryna carry you out the house on the low." Jay informed me filling in from where Tati left off. "When he confronted him and told him to hand you over he dropped you to the floor. E was quick to check on you and asked if I had and before I blinked he was after bruh."

"Erik?"

"Yes girl! And he beat the fuck outta him too." Tati hit her hand with her first. "When I came up, Jay left you with me and Jay and Moses had to get him to stop. Once he 'calmed down' enough he stormed over to you and damn near shoved me out the way. He wouldn't let anyone touch you after that."

"I'm sayin', he turned into the bodyguard." Jay laughed clearly amused.

But I sure as hell wasnt.

Remaining quiet, I tired to process everything. I was almost snatched up and taken God knows where, so some weirdo could do God knows what to me, and Erik came in and stopped everything. For me. Protected me. Made sure I got home safely and stayed with me all night. While I still don't remember anything I do know he was wearing what I saw him in last night this morning......and right about now I'm feeling like the biggest asshole.

"Yeah shit was sexy and scary at the same time. He looked crazy."

"For real son! Crazy as fuck," Jay agreed. "I know bruj said y'all had history, but damn. Y'all was together or somethin'?"

Or something, I thought but instead just shook my head.

"No, but it's complicated," was the only explanation I was giving right now. Everyone didn't need to know my dirty laundry, and while I could careless about what people thought about me, I'm sure they've got enough to run it about last night. Meanwhile I needed to find Erik. No matter how I feel about him, he still looked out for me last night. Not only do I owe him a thank you but an apology too.

It was a nice day outside so I figured he might be in the quad since I saw him out there a lot. There or at the gym. Thankfully he at was the former and I didn't have to look too hard as I headed toward him. As soon as he spotted me he snatched his bag up, saluted the guys and began to walk off. I did my best to catch up without making it obvious that I was after him to everybody else around. Catching up slightly I called out his name and he stopped. He shoulders slumped as if he were sighing as he turned around. He looked at me like he couldn't stand me. I took a deep breath feeling nervous and embarrassed.

"Erik can we talk?" I asked, feeling small.

"Is it about the project?" His voice lacked every bit of emotion.

"No." I answered knowing where this was going.

"Then, naw, we can't."

Without another look he turned, headphones on, and left me where I stood.

————————-

So...someone's upset.

And rightfully so. These two have a lot of issues to work out. Too much anger.

I'm just gonna...let that sit there...

Guess what guys!!

I've got the next 30 chapters planned! The good the bad and the ugly. I'm sooo excited!'

Tag list: @kitesatforestp @xsweetdellzx @justgetitoverwith0 @letsshamelessqueen-m @cmkcolove @readingaddict1290

[slashingdisneypasta]

Hewitts / Pleasant Valley x Fem!Reader || Oneshot

Title: The Multiverse Theory and the Horror Fandom 

Notes: 

I don't really know what it is, but I enjoyed creating it, so I’m posting it! If I get an idea as to what might happen next, I’ll probably add a part two. 

Its crack

Plot: 

Okay, you are from this universe and you are your Slasher fucker self. But you’re transported from your home, to the universe that the Slashers live in, specifically 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They capture you of course and decide to keep you.

Now the Hewitt’s have decided to go on a roadtrip and are of course taking you, their hostage, with them.

They end up staying in Pleasant Valley, despite your warnings not to. 

Warnings: Mention of real life people, breaking of the 3rd wall, if you look then there is some hints towards sexual assault cursing. Its comedy though mostly, so its pretty okay

~~~

“We’re lost.”

“No, mama, we not lost. We’re just taking the scenic route… “Hoyt transparently bullshits, looking around completely lost at the surroundings that we pass at a 100 km/h. Nothing but wheat fields and cows as far as the eye can see. Georgia is even more boring then Texas had been.

Luda Mae rolls her eyes, not taking any his shit after 6 hours in the car with him just today. God, I’m on her side. Can we stop somewhere just for a little bit? I mean, I don’t have to pee anymore since I held it for so long that the urge went away, but I’d still like to try because now I feel like I’m going to explode at any time. “So, we’re lost.” She announces, leaving no room for argument.

“Definitely lost… “Monty, in the seat beside me in the back seat of Hoyt’s tiny sheriff car, agrees with his sister, also watching the fields go by moodily. Why didn’t we take the goddamn truck, anyway? I would rather be tied to top of that, then squished back here between Thomas and Monty. I mean, there’s not even any doorhandles in the back here! Why did I have to be in the middle? Its not like I’m going to throw myself out the window! Sometimes I think Hoyt’s paranoid. And I hate him. And his ego’s too big.

Of course, Hoyt snaps back at Monty even though what he said was so mellow. It certainly didn’t have the amount of pent up frustration that Luda Mae’s had behind it. “We ain’t lost, goddamn it- Look! There’s a town. We’ll stop there and ask for directions if you really want. Just to make sure we’re going the right way, which I’m sure we are.” I look up from my hands, bruises all over the wrists from Hoyt and the ropes, and cuts all over the fingers from cooking with Luda Mae… and jagged fingernails from before I gave up. When I was still scratching at the walls and floor and Thomas, wanting to escape this mad family.

My fighting spirit isn’t completely crushed, now… but it has been a while since I screamed for help. I’m waiting for the moment, the right moment to try and escape. Of course, I don’t know if that moment will every come… but I still hope. And that’s something.

Now, looking up out the front window to see the town Hoyt’s talking about, I wonder if this will be the place that I’ll escape in.

Then we rush past the sign and I do a double take.

What did that say?!

I glance at Thomas, my designated warden to see what he’s doing now since he had been sleeping for most of today’s trip- yesterday he had stayed awake and alert, but today it seems that he decided I wasn’t about to crawl over anyone and creep through the window so it was cool to nap,- to see he’s alert, and when I look at him he turns to look at me back. I flash him a fake smile and turn to Monty, because he speaks. And he’s on the right side of the car, so he would have seen the sign.

“Hey, what did that sign say?”

“Why are they talking again?” Hoyt pipes up in the front as we get nearer to the town and I start to feel sick in my stomach. I raise my eyebrows at Monty instead of answering Hoyt’s goad.

Monty shrugs, leaning his back on his hand and looking out the window again. “Uh, Pleasant Valley.”

Oh my god.

It cannot be possible that more then one Horror movie exists in this world… right? I’ve been through enough trauma; I do not need to endure Robert Englund’s trademark craziness- oH, or Bill Mosely’s either. Oh god, - and his band of confederate lunatics. Do not do this to me, universe.

My heart’s beating faster then a bullet train as I wait, still as a statue and straight backed, for any more hints that I am where I think I am.

Thomas watches me with a hard stare, alert and suspicious about my odd change in posture and body language. I try to ignore him, which is of course hard, but I make do.

Then we start to pass people in this town, and they’re men in overalls and women in the most era-incorrect costumes I have ever seen. And they’re smiling and waving at us.

And I feel sick, and sink back into my seat so nobody outside can see me through Monty or Thomas, hopefully.

“Hoyt,” I call, quietly for the ‘sheriff’s’ attention. My voice doesn’t lift even to a normal volume, I’m so scared so he either ignores me or really doesn’t hear me. I try to be louder. “Hoyt!”

“Yes, hostage?”  

“I think we’re going the right way as well; I saw sign on the road a few miles back that said so. We should just keep going.”

“What?!” Luda Mae turns in her seat to look at me furrow her eyebrows- she doesn’t believe me one bit. “What are you doing, slouching in the back like that? Sit up!”

“Are we stopping?”

“Uhh… “She turns to look at Hoyt, and he nods. “Looks like it. About time, too. I need to stretch my legs, and we obviously need those damn directions.”

“We do not need the- “Hoyt sighs, exasperated, then furrows his eyebrows as he focuses on something in front of the car. “What the fuck are these wackos all doing out there in the middle of the road? Get outta my way… “

Mow them over, Hoyt! MOW THEM OVER.

Of course, he slows to a crawl and then a stop, and I thank god that the back windows don’t open, lest I feel any more in danger. If they were open, I definitely would have feared scary ghost cannibals would stick in their hands. As it is, cross my arms and let Hoyt do the talking. Of course, I mean. What else could I do?

I can see full frontal the mess that we’re getting into, which once upon a time in a different world -my world. Oh, how I wish I was there right now, - would have been a good sign. Seeing Kane Hodder, Robert Englund and Lin Shaye and the ‘Guts and Glory Jubilee’ banner would be a sign I’m about to have a good night full of horror movie enjoyment and probably fanfiction as well. But now I see it and I wish to never watch that movie again, much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise.

Hoyt puts his hand on the car door handle next to him. “No, no, no, don’t get outta the car!” I exclaim, quietly and reaching to grab him back but he looks over at me, gives me a ‘I do what I want’ kind of look and then gets out of the car.

“Good afternoon, sheriff! Welcome to our Guts and Glory Jubilee! You’re our honoured guests!”

Oh, dear god.

Hoyt slams his car door shut and Luda and I wince at the sudden noise. “What the hell are you people doing out here in the middle of the road??! Me and my family are tryna get through here.”

“Aw, my bad sheriff! We’re just so tickled to have you with us this fine day!” Buckman doesn’t seem stirred that Hoyt’s clearly southern, and therefore ‘confederate’, like him, as far as he’s concerned which is what I was hoping for, so I decide to blow this whole situation out of water- I have no choice.

And what, in hell’s name, could I possibly lose at this point?

I lean forward in the car, keeping an eye on the scene, to talk to Luda Mae. “Hey, so this may be a bad time to mention this but, uh.” How do I break this news? “Well, I’m from a different universe. That multiverse noise? That’s real. Anyway, more importantly, I’m from a world in which you and your sons, and Monty, are just movie characters. Your movie is called ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’, Thomas is the Texan Chainsaw guy and he is called Leatherface.” Luda’s slowly turning her head to look at me like have 7 eyeballs. I keep talking through, quickly ad feverishly, desperate. “I know it sounds crazy, and you can ask me any question about ya’ll’s passed if you want as proof but just get your son back in this car please. This place also has its own movie, and its even less pretty then what goes on in your house.” I look pleadingly at her, hoping to God, by some miracle she believes me.

“Sit back down!! I’ve been in a car with 3 sweatin’, stinky men for 6 hours now today and I am in no mood for your stories.” She turns back in her seat. “God.”  

“Oh Jesus, you said it… “ I whine, plopping back down in my seat, looking at Hoyt and Buckman who have now met in front of the car and aren’t yelling at each other across the road and immediately assume the fucking confederate mayor is successfully feeding the fucking fraudulent sheriff’s ego, and drop my face into my hands. A few minutes pass, and I stay like this, occasionally making frustrated crying sounds without really crying, and getting annoyed groans and ‘shut up’s from Monty beside me, until a hit to the car jolts me up. “What! What? What’s happening- are they attacking!?”

Everyone who heard, ignores me and I see it’s just Hoyt coming around the car opening Thomas’ side. Oh god, breeze has neve felt so terrifying. “Come on out, family. We’re stayin’ the night! I can’t tolerate settin’ in this car with you people anymore.” On no. No, no, no. STAYING?

Thomas gets out and Luda Mae follows, opening Monty’s door for him and letting him out onto his wheelchair that Thomas gets out of the trunk for him and unfolds. I cross my arms and stay inside. When Hoyt realises this, he leans down to peer inside the car at me and thrusts a thumb to point behind him. Slowly, menacingly he drawls. “Get out of this car.”

Oh, what is he going to do? What could he possibly do that he hasn’t already done to me.

I stubbornly look away. “You said family, I’m not family. I’m not leaving this car, no way. You can’t make me.”

“You wanna bet, sugar?”

He reaches in, wraps a calloused hand around one of my arms and starts pulling me until I topple out of the car, into the dirt. He lets go of me and immediately slams the car door closed again so I don’t slither back in.

“Fuck.” I mutter, glaring up at him from the floor. He locks the car in front of my eyes.

“Now, when you’re feeling more like an adult and not a child, you can come on to our room- that building over there. “ I feel like running after him when he walks off to the building, but before I can get myself out of the dusty, beige dirt, a hand enters my vision and I follow it up and scream on the inside. Mayor George Fucking Buckman.

He smiles so charmingly… you could nearly believe he isn’t depraved. Then I see the eyepatch and I’m reminded. “Would you let me help you up outta the dirt, little miss?”

Mmmm, I guess.

Best to stay on his good side, I think as I take his hand and he hauls me up. I don’t want to be on the receiving end of one of those glares that the whole town like to take part in with him. Noooo thank you. Not for me.

“Thank you.” I say quickly, looking to get out of there and find the Hewitt’s. They’ve all disappeared into the building Hoyt went towards a moment ago now. I brush the dirt off my pants and then clap my hands off of each other to get rid of the dirt that’s on them now, and any remnants of feeling Buckman’s hand, then flash a tight smile in Buckman’s general direction and escape towards the building.

They have to listen to me!

I burst into the place and see Thomas trailing behind the rest of that devil family down a hallway and run down there. “Thomas!” I pant, because that was a long hallway. Where are we now?! The Overlook hotel!?! “Thomas, what kind of warden are you? Please, don’t you ever leave me alone with that man ever again!” Thomas narrows his eyes suspiciously at me above his normal, leather mask -Luda and Hoyt had decided before we left their murder mansion that the human flesh mask would probably not fly in normal society, so he swapped it in for the old one,- then nods in front of him for me to walk there where can watch, and I gladly go there.

___TIME SKIP: A couple hours later___

All day, I have been trying to persuade the Hewitt’s that I’m not from here. I described Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning in explicit detail, including of course the Sheriff Hoyt thing, the Eric/Dean confusion, Bailey, Monty’s legs being chainsawed off… I even recruited some comic book information about Hoyt’s time in the Prisoner of War Camp and Sargent Chow, but they just think I’m a stalker now.

I mean, why the fuck not? Why wouldn’t I stalk these freaks? Truly, being around them has been a joy filled time.

I don’t throw back at my face that I watched their movies religiously, readers. That’s was when I thought they were fictional! (Yeah, I know you’re there reading this. This sure feels like a fanfiction to me, and as a fangirl, I’m an expert.)

So, I’ve decided I have one more option. One more chance to survive.

Hopefully this doesn’t go worse then plan A did.

Through pretending like the rope around my wrists was too tight when Hoyt tied me up by the hands to his bed frame, when really in truth it was a bit loose, I manage to make him think I’m stuck for the night. So, when he falls asleep – I know he’s asleep because he snores like a feral racoon… that also has rabies… (He drools) – I carefully, quietly, I struggle out of the ropes and carefully put them on the floor. Then turn to the window.

We’re on the second level of this building, but the possibility of a broken bone or two will not deter me from getting out of this mess. Especially since Thomas is waiting in the hallway outside this room for any sign of me trying to escape and getting hurt from falling out of a window is much preferred to meeting the business end of his chainsaw.

Not that I’ll be out of danger when I get out… as I’ll still be in Pleasant Valley… but I will have completed Level 1 at least.

Opening the window, I wince and look back at Hoyt to make sure the gentle rubbing sound the window makes against the frame doesn’t wake him, then turn back and immediately get to crawling out. Once I have succeeded in getting onto the ledge I hold on to the gutter - hoping beyond hope that it’s sturdy, - and reclose the blinds and push the window closed as well again. Covering my tracks.

Then I start the perilous journey down the building, which somehow, I succeed in! When I finally drop down on the dirt again and turn around though, I nearly out loud this time. “Miss Shaye! -“I stop myself, making an ‘Oop’ sound. You would think I would stop making these mistakes- I have been tortured and keep prisoner by the Hewitt family. Certainly not the late R. Lee. Ermey or Andrew Bryniarski either. The Hewitt’s. - But alas, I am still making this mistake apparently. “Sorry, you remind me of someone else!” I smile at Granny Boone, who must have been standing there watching the whole time I conquered the hotel building, stands with her hands on her hips and one eyebrow purposely halfway up her forward. She’s waiting for an explanation. “I didn’t want to wake up my family, and its time for the midnight stroll. Couldn’t sleep!”

My heartbeat races in my chest, because I have every confidence that this woman could kill me with her bare hands if she doesn’t like my answer. For a few moments, she makes me wait as she does looks at me suspiciously like Thomas. Oh god, are you going to eat me or not, ghost lady!?

“Oh, well that’s very considerate of you! Could I join you on your walk? I’m in the same boat.”

Oh, for fudges sake.

I smile politely though, and we start walking side by side down the middle of town. Silence hangs between us, but as we walk, I start to think this could work. I was planning on finding Buckman and telling him my story to see if he would believe me and do something because this whole town is supernatural and hard to believe, but I actually think this may have worked out in my favour! Maybe. He’s a sexist, chauvinistic bigot. But at the very least Boone’s a woman like me, with less of a boner for authority so hopefully she’ll at least listen. So… maybe…?

“So… “I start, sounding loud since it’s so quiet out here. “Can we talk? Woman to woman? I don’t know, you just seem trustworthy!” Oh, puke. What am I saying? “Sorry if I’m out of line, but… something crazy’s going on in my life.”

“Oh, trust me. I know crazy.” I side eye her as she smirks ‘mysteriously’. Oh, I know you know crazy, lady. I know. I know it all. You know crazy intimately. “Uh but go on. Sure thing. What kind of good Christian lady would I be if I didn’t bend an ear to our esteemed special guests?”

… Uhuh.

Well, okay! Works for me. “Thank you.” I clap my hands together. “Well. It started a month ago now, I guess… Haven’t really been able to keep up with time. First, I should probably explain the multiverse theory…”

[belliesandburps]

Followup with MGS4 Peace Walker and 5?

History has a funny way of repeating itself. :P

This one's actually gonna be long, so I'll cap it here to spare those uninterested in non-kink posts the burden of having to scroll past this fanboy rant. 'XD

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

3. It's Okay

Soooooo...not a controversial opinion to say that I don't think MGS4 is GREAT. I adored it when it first game out, and I still enjoy replaying it from time to time. But good lord, so many of the interviews shed light on a LOT of this games problems.

Some backstory is required. Hideo Kojima was done with MGS by this point. He planned to move on and leave the series to the younger generation. But then, there was a lot of internal conflict and struggle to determine what MGS4 should be after Fukushima quit (AND was rumored to have been murdered by the Yakuza...how that rumor started...and became a SERIOUS rumor that millions believe, I do not know...). So Kojima came back, course corrected, and the end result was kind of a giant mess.

I'm not talking story because, there's just way too much to unpack. But as a game, MGS4 can't decide what sort of video game it wants to be. It had a brilliant idea that had never been done before with its Battlefield Stealth, which were the best parts of the game. And then they get dropped two acts in, and what gets replaced in their stead is not nearly as fun.

The game had substantially less boss fights than its predecessor, and a lot of them were mechanically simplistic or just didn't let you get creative with how you fought them. And we later learned there were a lot more bosses planned, more gameplay sequences planned, and an entire other PMC group that got canned in favor of the Scarabs so Shadow Moses could be guarded by machines instead.

There's a lot about MGS4 that I love. I think the first two acts are amazing, ESPECIALLY Act 2. I think the mechanics are great. REX vs RAY is criminally fun. The sheer buffet of insane weapons gives the game a good amount of replay value. And the graphics still hold up to this day!

But what I finally realized is that the game juggles way too many ideas and doesn't give any idea the time they deserve to flourish. Battlefield Stealth could've CARRIED MGS4. But it gets dumped before we can get our moneys worth. A disguise sequence could've been really creative, having to juggle different identities with OctoMask every time one identity is burned. But it's only used once and wasted because it's only used for a terrible tailing mission that doesn't let you actually explore the European City. And too many of the action set pieces are kind of bland except the bosses and piloting Metal Gear.

MGS4 should've been MGS4. Not MGS's "Best Hits."

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker

1. LOVED it!

I know this is unpopular to say, but I'll say it. Peace Walker is one of the best Metal Gear games ever made. I adored almost everything about it. The gameplay improves on MGS4 in most ways because it doesn't juggle a billion ideas all at once. It's MGS4 stripped down to stealth action from start to finish, and that's all I wanted. The level design is great. The insane volume of guns changes the entire feel of combat in later post-campaign gameplay. The mission select options mean you can jump into all the parts of the game you enjoy the most. There's TONS of bonus missions that are really inventive and fun to replay. And the story is one of the best in the series. It's straight forward, very tight, characterized well, and is the best iteration of Big Boss to date.

Peace Walker's also the FUNNIEST MGS game by Kojima as well. There's so much more personality and levity to everything, to the point where Big Boss often feels like an MCU character. That might sound bad, but it's really not. That corniness fits MGS PERFECTLY, and I'd argue is tonally spot on for this series. MGS doesn't need to be dark, gory or explicit. It's a silly series that's about giant robots, corny bad ass super agents with an anti-nuke message.

The only downsides to Peace Walker are the QTE's and the boss fights. This was a feature that only ever appeared in this game and for good reason...it was fucking terrible. So basically, you had cutscenes that forced you to do various QTE's or else get dinged on your ratings at the end, even if you played perfectly. Fairly minimal, but then, you get to Strangelove's torture. And this is the single most rage-inducing part of any MGS game ever made. It's an insanely physically painful button mashing sequence that will leave your fingers raw and your PS3 triangle buttons jamming. And the ONLY way you can replay one of the best missions in the game (the prison escape where you have no items) is by redoing that sequence over and over. And the boss fights? While inventive, they're all just grindy bullet sponges with no personality, no stealth tactics, and no room for creativity the way you can get creative with every other MGS game's bosses. This was the biggest disappointment for me because the stealth and combat mechanics of PW are great and would've been SO good against human enemies like what Portable Ops had. Instead, every boss is a mini-Metal Gear all voiced by the VOCALOID AI from the mid 2000's, and each one takes forever to destroy. It sucks because PW had a TON of bosses, but only a few of them are any fun, and that's only if you have weapons that are strong enough that they don't take ages to destroy.

But asides from the bosses, the REST of the game is so damn good that I don't even care because that's just one element to a much larger, grander game. Which is even more impressive when you consider PW was originally on the PSP before the PS3 port. And this game has more content and replay value to it than most games I've played since.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

1. LOVED it!

Hooooooookay...so, I've rambled about my storybook romance with MGSV for YEARS now. (Just ask @twistedtummies2, he's been subjected to my fanboying of this game more than anyone in existence XD) But there's a reason I regard this game as one of my all time favorites and the best MGS game to date.

It's REALLY freakin' fun.

Kojima had been re-energized by the time he got to MGSV. He'd been working on the game around the time he finished Peace Walker in 2010. He KNEW it was his final MGS game and wanted to do something completely different...

...He wanted to make a game where the central focus was on...waaaaait for it...the gameplay...

MGSV was designed to be, what he described, as a toybox. You have these missions that all take place in structurally unique outposts like any level in MGS. And the missions are designed with the structure needed so that they all feel different, but all remain so open ended that you can play them countless different ways.

MGSV's game model is everything GTA SHOULD'VE been. It fully embraces the open world freedom and incorporates that into the missions flawlessly. And it plays in such a way that stealth and combat both feel like they were the primary point. In MGS, combat is usually a last resort. But with MGSV, you can fly into an outpost blasting away on your helicopters mini-gun, shoot up the bad guys, rescue your target, throw them back into the chopper and fly away while "The Final Countdown" blares on your choppers loud speakers.

Every method of gameplay is valid and the controls, the enemy AI responsiveness, it's all, bar none, the best I've experienced in ANY video game. Sneaking around feels tight and tense and combat makes you feel like Jack Bauer on adrenaline. (I mean, he IS the voice of Venom Snake)

And I really like the story for the most part too. Its weaknesses are really glaring. Namely, the "Fun" of MGS is completely devoid in the story (which is really odd since it's FRONT AND CENTER in-game). Venom Snake only has maybe six minutes of dialogue in the entirety of this 30+ hour long game. And the way Skull Face gets completely undercut right at the home stretch is something I have NOT stopped bitching about for almost six years, and my friends can personally attest to that.

That and the ending feels too abrupt.

We know that Kojima got fired by Konami's VP and said VP scorched the entire production company after that and made a series of dickheaded decisions that pissed off a LOT of fans, burning much of the good will Konami IP fans had towards the company. But that had nothing to do with MGSV's abruptness. That was the plan from the start because only Kojima would think to end the entire series on a plot twist like that.

And I think the issue isn't the twist at all. In fact, I LOVE the twist. The issue is that the game should've continued beyond it so Venom Snake could cope with the truth and realize how badly he'd been screwed. I think even people who hated the twist could've been won over if there was a little more to the games epilogue than Episode 46.

Also, the games boss fights were a tad underwhelming. Not the fights themselves, I LOVED all five of the games bosses.

Oh? There were twelve?

No. I meant what I said. Because so many of the games bosses are rematches against the same bosses. All MGSV has is the Skulls, Quiet, Eli, The Man on Fire, and Metal Gear. They're great bosses that do everything the best MGS bosses always did; give you tons of options, incorporate combat AND stealth, have varied attacks AND even have multiple methods to sneak around the boss and avoid the fight completely. But for a game as long as MGS, you need more variety. And frankly, the bosses NEED more personality. Skull Face should've had more XOF assassins acting as the bosses in the game along with the ones we have. Elite assassins like Quiet, with their own powers and specialized weaponry so the fights feel completely different from the ones we have. And oh yeah, SKULL FACE HIMSELF SHOULD'VE HAD A GOD-FUCKING-DAMN BOSS FIGHT!!!!

Buuuuuuut those issues don't even matter if for all the games issues, I still replay it frequently when it's almost six years old.

So yeah! There's the massive rant you totally didn't ask for! :D

[pemdasblog]

PEMDAS - Special Year-End Edition - Albums

I love end of year lists because I like consensus, rankings and numbers. But consensus is all based on who gets to rank, and the people who get the most access to major publication rankings are white men, so the numbers are tainted by white supremacy, misogyny, and many other forms of bigotry.

Which makes it even more interesting to see what gets ranked where.

Here’s a Google Sheet I made of all the lists and I created a formula that basically measures how many times an album placed on a list as well as how high it placed on that list. I’m going to keep updating this list as it’s not done, but it’s fun to play around with right now!

According to my formula and the critics, the top 10 albums of 2020 (in order) are: 

#1: Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

#2: RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

#3: folklore •• Taylor Swift

#4: Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

#5: Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

#6: Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

#7: Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

#8: Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

#9: Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

#10: Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

I also have a fun, unranked albums list brewing. I’ll release that at the very end of the year.

Click below for all of the publication lists!

The 50 best albums of 2020 •• ABC | Double J

Dan Condon

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Crossover •• Emma Donovan & The Putbacks

The Slow Rush •• Tame Impala

UNTITLED (Rise) •• SAULT

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Song for Our Daughter •• Laura Marling

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

The Sharecropper’s Daughter •• Sa-Roc

Sideways to New Italy •• Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever

Sixteen Oceans •• Four Tet

Chose Line •• Benny the Walker

South West •• L-FRESH the LION

Far Enough •• Cable Ties

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Nyaaringu •• Miiesha

You Be the Lightning •• Tracy McNeil & The GoodLife

Mordechai •• Khruangbin

Suddenly •• Caribou

Our Two Skins •• Gordi

Down In the Weeds, Where the World Once Was •• Bright Eyes

græ •• Moses Sumney

Distance •• Jess Cornelius

King’s Disease •• Nas

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Batflowers •• Washington

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

That’s How Rumors Get Started •• Margo Price

ENERGY •• Disclosure

The Ascension •• Sufjan Stevens

Reunions •• Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit

Paid Salvation •• A Swayze & The Ghosts

songs •• Adrianne Lenker

Ohms •• Deftones

Unity •• Gordon Koang

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

Child in Reverse •• Kate Miller-Heidke

K.G. •• King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard

Aloha •• Son Little

The Modern Medieval •• Something for Kate

II: The Next Wave •• Quakers

Rome •• Josh Pyke

Fallow •• Fanny Lumsden

Optimisme •• Songhoy Blues

Original Cast Recording •• Braille Face

Colour by Number •• Leah Flanagan

Ultra Mono •• IDLES

What You Gonna Do When the Grid Goes Down? •• Public Enemy

Feral •• RVG

Róisín Machine •• Róisín Murphy

The best albums and songs of 2020 •• BBC Culture

Nick Levine

  Best albums of 2020

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Róisín Machine •• Róisín Murphy

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

Kitchen Sink •• Nadine Shah

folklore •• Taylor Swift

6 Music Recommends Albums of the Year 2020 •• BBC Radio - 6 Music

BBC Radio - 6 Music Staff

UNTITLED (Black Is) •• SAULT

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Shortly After Takeoff •• BC Camplight

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Kitchen Sink •• Nadine Shah

England Is a Garden •• Cornershop

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

The Universal Want •• Doves

Deep Down Happy •• Sports Team

The 50 Best Albums of 2020: Staff Picks •• Billboard

Billboard Staff

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

After Hours •• The Weeknd

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

Chromatica •• Lady Gaga

My Turn •• Lil Baby

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Gaslighter •• The Chicks

Meet the Woo 2 •• Pop Smoke

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

Positions •• Ariana Grande

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Starting Over •• Chris Stapleton

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Circles •• Mac Miller

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

Manic •• Halsey

Tickets to My Downfall •• Machine Gun Kelly

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

Rare •• Selena Gomez

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

Colores •• J Balvin

The Album •• BLACKPINK

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

The Slow Rush •• Tame Impala

Before Love Came To Kill Us •• Jessie Reyez

Notes on a Conditional Form •• The 1975

Reunions •• Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit

Fake It Flowers •• beabadoobee

It Was Good Until It Wasn’t •• Kehlani

Map of the Soul: 7 •• BTS

Letter to You •• Bruce Springsteen

Atrapado en un Sueño •• Junior H

The Album •• Teyana Taylor

Ho, why is you here? •• Flo Milli

Emmanuel •• Anuel AA

Love Goes •• Sam Smith

Suddenly •• Caribou

Petals for Armor •• Hayley Williams

B7 •• Brandy

Southside •• Sam Hunt

Mesa Para Dos •• Kany García

Savage Mode II •• 21 Savage & Metro Boomin

Good Souls Better Angels •• Lucinda Williams

Kid Krow •• Conan Gray

Hecho en Mexico •• Alejandro Fernández

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

Blame It on Baby •• DaBaby

Top 10 Albums of the Year 2020 •• Bleep

KiCk i •• Arca

Magic Oneohtrix Point Never •• Oneohtrix Point Never

Phoenix: Flames Are Dew Upon My Skin •• Eartheater

Cape Cira •• K-LONE

Fountain •• Lyra Pramuk

Black Nationalist Sonic Weaponry •• Speaker Music

Help •• Duval Timothy

Karma & Desire •• Actress

Shadow of Fear •• Cabaret Voltaire

Tara Clerkin Trio •• Tara Clerkin Trio

The Best Albums of 2020 •• Complex

Jessica McKinney, Andre Gee, Eric Skelton, Edwin Ortiz, Khal, Angel Diaz, Will Schube, Shawn Setaro, Lucas Wisenthel

After Hours •• The Weeknd

My Turn •• Lil Baby

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Burden of Proof •• Benny the Butcher

Savage Mode II •• 21 Savage & Metro Boomin

The Slow Rush •• Tame Impala

Circles •• Mac Miller

Pray for Paris •• Westside Gunn

Shoot for the Stars, Aim for the Moon •• Pop Smoke

The GOAT •• Polo G

From King to a GOD •• Conway the Machine

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Wunna •• Gunna

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

A Muse In Her Feelings •• dvsn

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

Meet the Woo 2 •• Pop Smoke

Ho, why is you here? •• Flo Milli

So Help Me God! •• 2 Chainz

Angelic Hoodrat •• Kenny Mason

It Was Good Until It Wasn’t •• Kehlani

The Price of Tea in China •• Boldy James

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Fuck the World •• Brent Faiyaz

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Dark Lane Demo Tapes •• Drake

Young & Turnt 2 •• 42 Dugg

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Top •• YoungBoy Never Broke Again

Mt. Marci •• Roc Marciano

Notes on a Conditional Form •• The 1975

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

One and Only •• Sheff G

Positions •• Ariana Grande

Limbo •• Aminé

UNLOCKED •• Denzel Curry & Kenny Beats

Anyways •• Young Nudy

Legends Never Die •• Juice WRLD

Industry Games •• CHIKA

Reasonable Drought •• Stove God Cooks

Spilligion •• Spillage Village

King’s Disease •• Nas

While the World Was Burning •• SAINt JHN

Only for Dolphins •• Action Bronson

Just Cause Y’all Waited 2 •• Lil Durk

Featuring Ty Dolla Sign •• Ty Dolla Sign

Detroit 2 •• Big Sean

Forever, Ya Girl •• KeiyaA

Top 50 Albums of 2020 •• Consequence of Sound

CoS Staff

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Ohms •• Deftones

Chromatica •• Lady Gaga

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Gigaton •• Pearl Jam

Reunions •• Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit

Map of the Soul: 7 •• BTS

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

After Hours •• The Weeknd

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

The Ascension •• Sufjan Stevens

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

Petals for Armor •• Hayley Williams

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

Fake It Flowers •• beabadoobee

Likewise •• Frances Quinlan

Ultra Mono •• IDLES

Forgotten Days •• Pallbearer

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Suddenly •• Caribou

Everything Is Beautiful •• Princess Nokia

As Long as You Are •• Future Islands

Magic Oneohtrix Point Never •• Oneohtrix Point Never

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Letter to You •• Bruce Springsteen

The Price of Tea in China •• Boldy James & The Alchemist

That’s How Rumors Get Started •• Margo Price

Giver Taker •• Anjimile

Twice as Tall •• Burna Boy

Gaslighter •• The Chicks

Shamir •• Shamir

Lamb of God •• Lamb of God

Pray for Paris •• Westside Gunn

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

The Greatest Part •• Becca Mancari

Power Up •• AC/DC

The Liz •• Armani Caesar

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

American Head •• The Flaming Lips

The Neon Skyline •• Andy Shauf

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Honeymoon •• Beach Bunny

The Top 50 Albums of 2020 •• Crack Magazine

Help •• Duval Timothy

Indigo Dream •• E.M.M.A.

Mas Amable •• DJ Python

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Big Conspiracy •• J Hus

Duma •• Duma

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Metal Preyers •• Metal Preyers

From Avoca Hills to the World •• Citizen Boy & Mafia Boyz

Miss Colombia •• Lido Pimienta

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

To Feel Embraced •• Sparkle Division

Workaround •• Beatrice Dillon

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

Man Alive! •• King Krule

Healing Is a Miracle •• Julianna Barwick

Snoopy •• CS + Kreme

Dark Matter •• Moses Boyd

Pain Olympics •• Crack Cloud

Ho, why is you here? •• Flo Milli

Cape Circa •• K-Lone

Róisín Machine •• Róisín Murphy

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

Microphones in 2020 •• The Microphones

UNTITLED (Black Is) •• SAULT

Chromatica •• Lady Gaga

Modern Bliss •• Roza Terenzi

Ten Billion Angels •• Zora Jones

Pray 4 Love •• Rod Wave

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Modus Vivendi •• 070 Shake

Cenizas •• Nicolás Jaar

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Black Nationalist Sonic Weaponry •• Speaker Music

Pray for Paris •• Westside Gunn

Second Language •• Minor Science

Forever, Ya Girl •• KeiyaA

Crabs in a Bucket •• Nines

Deep Technik •• MoMA Ready

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

Send Them to Coventry •• Pa Salieu

Pillowland •• Jam City

Phoenix: Flames Are Dew Upon My Skin •• Eartheater

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

The 15 best albums of 2020 •• Entertainment Weekly

Leah Greenblatt, Sarah Rodman & Alex Suskind

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

After Hours •• The Weeknd

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Gaslighter •• The Chicks

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

UNTITLED (Black Is) •• SAULT

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

American Love Story •• Butch Walker

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Your Life Is a Record •• Brandy Clark

Petals for Armor •• Hayley Williams

Exclaim!’s 50 Best Albums of 2020 •• Exclaim!

Exclaim! Staff

God Has Nothing to Do with This Leave Him Out of It •• Backxwash

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Suddenly •• Caribou

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

Miss Colombia •• Lido Pimienta

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Pantayo •• Pantayo

Heavy Light •• U.S. Girls

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

The Neon Skyline •• Andy Shauf

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

græ •• Moses Sumney

Have We Met •• Destroyer

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Ohms •• Deftones

The Ascension •• Sufjan Stevens

Legacy •• Aquakultre

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Devouring Ruin •• Wake

How Ill Thy World Is Ordered •• Daniel Romano’s Outfit

Microphones in 2020 •• The Microphones

After Hours •• The Weeknd

Burden of Proof •• Benny the Butcher

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

DNA Activation •• Witch Prophet

Peaceful as Hell •• Black Dresses

Where Only Gods May Tread •• Ingested

Circles •• Mac Miller

2017-2019 •• Against All Logic

Lianne La Havas •• Lianne La Havas

Stygian •• Atramentus

ELEMENTS Vol. 1 •• TOBi

Reliever •• William Prince

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

Someone New •• Helena Deland

Pray 4 Love •• Rod Wave

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Sundry Rock Song Stock •• Yves Jarvis

Finds You Well •• Khotin

Underneath •• Code Orange

songs •• Adrianne Lenker

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Visions of Bodies Being Burned •• clipping.

Total Freedom •• Kathleen Edwards

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Free I.H.: This Is Not the One You’ve Been Waiting For •• Illuminati Hotties

The Best Albums of 2020 •• FLOOD

FLOOD Staff

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

græ •• Moses Sumney

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Magic Oneohtrix Point Never •• Oneohtrix Point Never

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

After Hours •• The Weeknd

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

Women in Music Pt. III •• Haim

Visions of Bodies Being Burned •• clipping.

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

My Agenda •• Dorian Electra

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

Phoenix: Flames Are Dew Upon My Skin •• Eartheater

Shrines •• Armand Hammer

That’s How Rumors Get Started •• Margo Price

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

American Head •• The Flaming Lips

Si Miedo (del Amor y Otros Demonios) ∞ •• Kali Uchis

Song Machine: Season 1 - Strange Timez •• Gorillaz

Moveys •• Slow Pulp

The Gigwise 51 Best Albums of 2020 •• Gigwise

Gigwise Staff

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

folklore •• Taylor Swift

UNTITLED (Black Is) •• SAULT

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

Ohms •• Deftones

Circles •• Mac Miller

The Night Chancers •• Baxter Dury

Sex, Death & The Infinite Void •• Creeper

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

The Archer •• Alexandra Savior

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Mordechai •• Khruangbin

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Night Network •• The Cribs

I Disagree •• Poppy

Introduction, Presence •• Nation of Language

Modern Dread •• Denai Moore

K.G. •• King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard

To Love Is to Live •• Jehnny Beth

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Working Men’s Club •• Working Men’s Club

We Live Here •• Bob Vylan

Song for Our Daughter •• Laura Marling

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

I Grow Tired But Dare Not Fall Asleep •• Ghostpoet

925 •• Sorry

Got To Be Tough •• Toots & The Maytals

græ •• Moses Sumney

Viscerals •• Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs

Three Mile Ditch •• The Wytches

England Is a Garden •• Cornershop

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

In This House •• Lewsberg

Optimisme •• Songhoy Blues

songs •• Adrianne Lenker

Letter to You •• Bruce Springsteen

Big Conspiracy •• J Hus

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

Monument •• Keaton Henson

Seeking Thrills •• Georgia

Hyper Romance •• Jadu Heart

Container •• The Wants

The Prettiest Curse •• Hinds

In Waiting •• Pillow Queens

The Reson for Hardcore Vibes •• Joe & The Shitboys

Gorilla vs. Bear’s Albums of 2020 •• Gorilla vs. Bear

Chris

Someone New •• Helena Deland

Untitled (Black Is) •• SAULT || Untitled (Rise) •• SAULT

Send Them to Coventry •• Pa Salieu

Weaving a Basket •• Sea Oleena

Modus Vivendi •• 070 Shake

Fires in Heaven •• Salem

Galore •• Oklou

What’s Tonight to Eternity •• Cindy Lee || Cat O’Nine Tails •• Cindy Lee

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

Taken Away •• Moodymann

All the Time •• Jessy Lanza

Alletiders •• Alle

WHAT WE DREW 우리가 그려왔던 •• Yaeji

Because of a Flower •• Ana Roxanne

How Much Works •• Sweet Whirl

songs •• Adrianne Lenker || instrumentals •• Adrianne Lenker

The Don of Diamond Dreams •• Shabazz Palaces

Magic Oneohtrix Point Never •• Oneohtrix Point Never

Hunger for a Way Out •• Sweeping Promises

Your Hero Is Not Dead •• Westerman

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Remote Control •• Discovery Zone

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

Help •• Duval Timothy

Yes •• Shinichi Atobe

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

I Was Born Swimming •• Squirrel Flower

Healing Is a Miracle •• Julianna Barwick

Mia Gargaret •• Gia Margaret

I Feel Alive •• Tops

Karma & Desire •• Actress

Crooner qui coule sous les clous •• Oï Les Ox

Bobby Joe Hope •• Jon McKiel

Motherhood •• No Joy

Land of No Junction •• Aoife Nessa Frances

acts of rebellion •• Ela Minus

Cave Vaults on the Moon •• Tan Cologne

Sundry Rock Song Stock •• Yves Jarvis

A Mythology of Circles •• Faten Kanaan

Man Alive! •• King Krule

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

Good Songs for Bad People •• Drab City

Roped In •• North Americans

Sorceress •• Jess Williamson

Phoenix: Flames are Dew Upon My Skin •• Eartheater

Fantasy Chapel •• Riches

Ride Lonesome •• Young Ejecta

Shimmering Basset •• The Green Child

Silver Ladders •• Mary Lattimore

The 50 best albums of 2020 •• The Guardian

Ben Beaumont-Thomas & Laura Snapes

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Big Conspiracy •• J Hus

folklore •• Taylor Swift

græ •• Moses Sumney

Róisín Machine •• Róisín Murphy

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Chromatica •• Lady Gaga

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Workaround •• Beatrice Dillon

Suddenly •• Caribou

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

UNTITLED (Rise) •• SAULT

Gold Record •• Bill Callahan

Song for Our Daughter •• Laura Marling

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

Circles •• Mac Miller

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Heavy Light •• U.S. Girls

Forever, Ya Girl •• KeiyaA

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Working Men’s Club •• Working Men’s Club

Notes on a Conditional Form •• The 1975

Savage Mode II •• 21 Savage & Metro Boomin

I Think I’m Good •• Kassa Overall

Suite for Max Brown •• Jeff Parker

Positions •• Ariana Grande

Karma & Desire •• Actress

DISCO •• Kylie Minogue

Made in Lagos •• Wizkid

All the Time •• Jessy Lanza

Rare •• Selena Gomez

Three •• The Necks

The Album •• Teyana Taylor

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Have We Met •• Destroyer

Visions of Bodies Being Burned •• clipping.

The Best Albums of 2020 Ranked •• The Line of Best Fit

The Line of Best Fit Staff

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

The Baby •• Samia

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

græ •• Moses Sumney

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

The Worst Generation •• Che Lingo

Healing Is a Miracle •• Julianna Barwick

Big Conspiracy •• J Hus

I’m Your Empress Of •• Empress Of

We’re New Again: A Reimagining •• Makaya McCraven

Visions of Bodies Being Burned •• clipping.

Anime, Trauma and Divorce •• Open Mike Eagle

Beginners •• Christian Lee Hutson

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Show Pony •• Orville Peck

The Angel You Don’t Know •• Amaarae

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

The Amanda Tape •• THEY.

songs •• Adrianne Lenker

JAGUAR •• Victoria Monét

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Someone New •• Helena Deland

Whatever, Man •• BLACKSTARKIDS

folklore •• Taylor Swift

SOURCE •• Nubya Garcia

Without People •• Donovan Woods

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

Petals for Armor •• Hayley Williams

Debris •• Keeley Forsyth

Warnings •• I Break Horses

So When You Gonna... •• Dream Wife

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Twice as Tall •• Burna Boy

Now or Never •• Giggs

SISTER •• Mina Tindle

Circles •• Mac Miller

Mordechai •• Khruangbin

The Prettiest Curse •• Hinds

Chromatica •• Lady Gaga

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

EDNA •• Headie One

Dark Hearts •• Annie

Best Albums of 2020 •• The New York Times

Jon Pareles, Jon Caramanica, and Lindsay Zoladz

  Simmering Emotions, Louder Explosions   Jon Pareles

The Ascension •• Sufjan Stevens

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

græ •• Moses Sumney

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Lianne La Havas •• Lianne La Havas

Twice as Tall •• Burna Boy

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Mama, You Can Bet! •• Jyoti

SIGN •• Autechre

  The Art of Taking One’s Time   Jon Caramanica

Southside •• Sam Hunt

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

Pray 4 Love •• Rod Wave

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Shoot for the Stars Aim for the Moon •• Pop Smoke

Ho, why is you here? •• Flo Milli

Poems of the Past •• Powfu

Changes •• Justin Bieber

Starting Over •• Chris Stapleton

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

Honeymoon •• Beach Bunny

    and 27 more for a chaotic year...

Savage Mode II •• 21 Savage & Metro Boomin

Burden of Proof •• Benny the Butcher

Trap Tumbado •• Natanael Cano

Gaslighter •• The Chicks

City on Lock •• City Girls

Underneath •• Code Orange

From King to a GOD •• Conway the Machine

Dark Lane Demo Tapes •• Drake

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Positions •• Ariana Grande

A Rock •• Hardy

Violence in a Quiet Mind •• Haux

AUNTIE •• Ian Isiah

Atrapado en un Sueño •• Junior H

Levon James •• King Von

Just Cause Y’all Waited 2 •• Lil Durk

God Made a Woman •• Lauren Mascitti

LP5 •• John Moreland

Before Love Came to Kill Us •• Jessie Reyez

Rosetta •• Dua Saleh

Jesus Is Born •• Sunday Service Choir

Easy Money Baby •• Myke Towers

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

After Hours •• The Weeknd

The Dream •• Hailey Whitters

Top •• YoungBoy Never Broke Again

  Rebel Yells, of Passion and Fury   Lindsay Zoladz

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

No Dream •• Jeff Rosenstock

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

folklore •• Taylor Swift

The Best Music of 2020 •• The New Yorker

Amanda Petrusich

No. 1 •• Etran de l’Aïr

songs •• Adrianne Lenker || instrumentals •• Adrianne Lenker

Silver Ladders •• Mary Lattimore

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Mama, You Can Bet! •• Jyoti

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & the Alchemist

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

    Honorable Mentions:

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Un Canto por México Vol. 1 •• Natalia Lafourcade

It Was Good Until It Wasn’t •• Kehlani

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

The New Abnormal •• The Strokes

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Sheldon Pearce

Microphones in 2020 •• The Microphones

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

græ •• Moses Sumney

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Act II: The Patents of Nobility (The Turn) •• Jay Electronica

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

Mama, You Can Bet! •• Jyoti

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

songs •• Adrianne Lenker || instrumentals •• Adrianne Lenker

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

Thank You For Using GTL •• Drakeo the Ruler

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Anime, Trauma and Divorce •• Open Mike Eagle

WHAT WE DREW 우리가 그려왔던 •• Yaeji

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

Mutable Set •• Blake Mills

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

APOLLO •• Fireboy DML

Couldn’t Wait to Tell You... •• Liv.e

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

Ho, why is you here? •• Flo Milli

UNTITLED (Black Is) •• SAULT

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

Descendants of Cain •• Ka

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Big Conspiracy •• J Hus

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Healing Is a Miracle •• Julianna Barwick

The 100 Best Albums of 2020 •• Noisey (Vice)

Noisey Staff

UNTITLED (Black Is) •• SAULT || UNTITLED (Rise) •• SAULT

Ho, why is you here? •• Flo Milli

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

EDNA •• Headie One

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Bartees Strange •• Live Forever

My Turn (Deluxe) •• Lil Baby

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

JAGUAR •• Victoria Monét

Meet the Woo 2 •• Pop Smoke

BRAT •• NNAMDÏ

Shame •• Uniform

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

Send Them to Coventry •• Pa Salieu

Full Wack No Brakes •• Bad Boy Chiller Crew

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

Fuck the World •• Brent Faiyaz

Cruisin’ with Junior H •• Junior H

Twice as Tall •• Burna Boy

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

Inlet •• Hum

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Forever, Ya Girl •• KeiyaA

Eternal Atake (Deluxe) •• Lil Uzi Vert

Lament •• Touché Amoré

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Rich Slave •• Young Dolph

Fires in Heaven •• SALEM

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

City On Lock •• City Girls

Big Conspiracy •• J Hus

The Great Dismal •• Nothing

Welcome to O’Block •• King Von

songs •• Adrianne Lenker

Thank You for Using GTL •• Drakeo the Ruler

Àdá Irin •• Navy Blue

Featuring Ty Dolla $ign •• Ty Dolla $ign

Scacco Matto •• Lorenzo Senni

Grime MC •• Jme

Viva el Perreo •• Jowell & Randy

Phoenix: Flames Are Dew Upon My Skin •• Eartheater

The Goat •• Polo G

Speed Kills •• Chubby and the Gang

Common Prayers •• Walter Martin

Petals for Armor •• Hayley Williams

Burden of Proof •• Benny the Butcher

Eternity of Shaog •• Esoctrilihum

Magic Oneohtrix Point Never •• Oneohtrix Point Never

Corridos Tumbados •• Natanael Cano

The Prince of Tea in China •• Boldy James & The Alchemist

A Muse in Her Feelings •• dvsn

KiCk i •• Arca

Circles •• Mac Miller

Rise Above Hate •• Unknown T

I Love You 2 •• Hook

WHAT WE DREW 우리가 그려왔던 •• Yaeji

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

From a King to a GOD •• Conway the Machine

Chromatica •• Lady Gaga

Healing Is a Miracle •• Julianna Barwick

12th House Rock •• Narrow Head

Watch This Liquid Pour Itself •• Okay Kaya

Growth & Development •• 22Gz

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

Weight of the World •• MIKE

Auto-Pain •• Deeper

Bino Rideaux •• Outside

Tearless •• Amnesia Scanner

Made in Lagos •• Wizkid

U-Void Synthesizer •• Machine Girl

Take Time •• Giveon

Pure X •• Pure X

Last Year Was Weird, Vol. 2 •• Tkay Maidza

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

Starmaker •• Honey Harper

So Help Me God! •• 2 Chainz

Crabs in a Bucket •• Nines

Descendants of Cain •• Ka

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Blue Eyes, The Harlot, The Queer, The Pusher & Me •• Waylon Payne

Have You Lost Your Mind Yet? •• Fantastic Negrito

Just Look at That Sky •• Ganser

7G •• A. G. Cook

Vibras de Noche •• Eslabon Armado

Immersion •• Primitive Man

Supergood •• Duckwrth

The Weather Up There •• Jeremy Cunningham

Underneath •• Code Orange

El Androide •• El Alfa

Lianne La Havas •• Lianne La Havas

SIGN •• Autechre

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Occupational Hazard •• Mozzy

The Freelancer’s Blues •• Dougie Poole

4 Da 304′s •• KentheMan

Best Music of 2020 •• NPR

NPR Music Staff

UNTITLED (Black Is) •• SAULT

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Miss Colombia •• Lido Pimienta

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Spilligion •• Spillage Village

Adès Conducts Adès •• Thomas Adès

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

Source •• Nubya Garcia

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

Blue Eyes, The Harlot, The Queer, The Pusher & Me •• Waylon Payne

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

Lianne La Havas •• Lianne La Havas

Ho, why is you here? •• Flo Milli

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Expectations •• Katie Pruitt

Data Lords •• Maria Schneider Orchestra

Underneath •• Code Orange

on the tender spot of every calloused moment •• Ambrose Akinmusire

JAGUAR •• Victoria Monét

Regresa •• Buscabulla

Dawson: Negro Folk Symphony •• ORF Vienna Radio Symphony Orchestra

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

The Slow Rush •• Tame Impala

A Small Death •• Samantha Crain

Pauline •• Ashley Ray

Mama, You Can Bet! •• Jyoti

Siti of Unguja (Romance Revolution on Zanzibar) •• Siti Muharam

songs •• Adrianne Lenker

My Turn •• Lil Baby

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

Spider Tales •• Jake Blount

Silver Ladders •• Mary Lattimore

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Fuck the World •• Brent Faiyaz

Debussy • Rameau •• Víkingur Ólafsson

Muthaland •• Bbymutha

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

En Español •• The Mavericks

Thank You For Using GTL •• Drakeo the Ruler

The experience of repetition as death •• Clarice Jensen

Inside •• X Alfonso

Total Freedom •• Kathleen Edwards

Savage Mode II •• 21 Savage / Metro Boomin

some kind of peace •• Ólafur Arnalds

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Giver Taker •• Anjimile

Don’t Feed the Monster •• Homeboy Sandman

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

The 50 Best Albums of 2020 •• Paste

Paste Staff

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Untitled (Rise) •• SAULT

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

songs •• Adrianne Lenker

græ •• Moses Sumney

Suddenly •• Caribou

Reunions •• Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

God Has Nothing to Do With This Leave Him Out of It •• Backxwash

Untitled (Black Is) •• SAULT

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

Heavy Light •• U.S. Girls

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

The Great Dismal •• Nothing

Welcome to Conceptual Beach •• Young Jesus

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Healing Is A Miracle •• Julianna Barwick

Youth Pastoral •• Ben Seretan

Microphones in 2020 •• The Microphones

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Inlet •• Hum

KIND •• Thanya Iyer

Miss Colombia •• Lido Pimienta

acts of rebellion •• Ela Minus

Ultimate Success Today •• Protomartyr

Anime, Trauma and Divorce •• Open Mike Eagle

Bonny Light Horseman •• Bonny Light Horseman

Speed Kills •• Chubby and the Gang

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

Shadow Talk •• Cafe Racer

Source •• Nubya Garcia

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

Introduction, Presence •• Nation of Language

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

The Baby •• Samia

Forever, Ya Girl •• KeiyaA

Free I.H.: This Is Not the One You’ve Been Waiting For •• Illuminati Hotties

Celebrated By Strangers •• Catholic Action

Lianne La Havas •• Lianne La Havas

Flower of Devotion •• Dehd

Just Look at That Sky •• Ganser

Somewhere •• Gum Country

The 50 Best Albums of 2020 •• Pitchfork

Pitchfork Staff

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

græ •• Moses Sumney

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

songs •• Adrianne Lenker || instrumentals •• Adrianne Lenker

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

Microphones in 2020 •• The Microphones

Act II: The Patents of Nobility (The Turn) •• Jay Electronica

Heavy Light •• U.S. Girls

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Róisín Machine •• Róisín Murphy

Have We Met •• Destroyer

The Angel You Don’t Know •• Amaarae

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Forever, Ya Girl •• KeiyaA

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

SOURCE •• Nubya Garcia

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

Shall We Go On Sinning So That Grace May Increase? •• The Soft Pink Truth

Thank You for Using GTL •• Drakeo the Ruler

Workaround •• Beatrice Dillon

Melee •• Dogleg

Descendants of Cain •• Ka

The Passion Of •• Special Interest

Hannah •• Lomelda

Help •• Duval Timohy

Flower of Devotion •• Dehd

KiCk i •• Arca

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

Room for the Moon •• Kate NV

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Fountain •• Lyra Pramuk

Twice as Tall •• Burna Boy

My Turn (Deluxe) •• Lil Baby

how i’m feeilng now •• Charli XCX

WHAT WE DREW 우리가 그려왔던 •• Yaeji

Silver Ladders •• Mary Lattimore

The 60 Best Albums of 2020 •• Pop Matters

Pop Matters Staff

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Outland •• Ital Tek

UNTITLED (Black Is) •• SAULT

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

3.15.20 •• Childish Gambino

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

songs •• Adrianne Lenker || instrumentals •• Adrianne Lenker

Ohms •• Deftones

Gaslighter •• The Chicks

Workaround •• Beatrice Dillon

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Good Souls Better Angels •• Lucinda Williams

Reunions •• Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

Private Lives •• Low Cut Connie

Suddenly •• Caribou

Song Machine: Season 1 - Strange Timez •• Gorillaz

Keleketla! •• Keleketla!

Seeking Thrills •• Georgia

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

I’m Your Empress Of •• Empress Of

Before Love Come To Kill Us •• Jessie Reyez

Róisín Machine •• Róisín Murphy

The Cycle •• Mourning [A] BLKstar

Microphones in 2020 •• The Microphones

Notes on a Conditional Form •• The 1975

The Universal Want •• Doves

We’ve Landed •• Tony Allen & Hugh Masekela

Mama, You Can Bet! •• Jyoti

Eno Axis •• HC McEntire

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Visions of Bodies Being Burned •• clipping.

Ultrasonic •• Field Works

Sixteen Oceans •• Four Tet

VOICES •• Max Richter

on the tender spot of every calloused moment •• Ambrose Akinmusire

Neon Cross •• Jaime Wyatt

Cenizas •• Nicolás Jaar

To Love Is to Live •• Jehnny Beth

Amazones Power •• Les Amazones d’Afrique

Shall We Go On Sinning So That Grace May Increase? •• The Soft Pink Truth

The Piano Equation •• Matthew Shipp

Making a Door Less Open •• Car Seat Headrest

Silver Tongue •• TORRES

BRAT •• NNAMDÏ

The Night Chancers •• Baxter Dury

Blue Eyes, The Harlot, The Queer, The Pusher & Me •• Waylon Payne

Wooden Cave •• Thin Lear

Quietus Albums Of The Year 2020 •• The Quietus

The Quietus Staff

Dances/Curses •• Hey Colossus

Shall We Go On Sinning So That Grace May Increase? •• The Soft Pink Truth

The Passion Of •• Special Interest

Fountain •• Lyra Pramuk

Energy Is Forever •• UKAEA

Help •• Duval Timothy

Be Up A Hello •• Squarepusher

Kitchen Sink •• Nadine Shah

Send Them to Coventry •• Pa Salieu

Guerilla •• Nazar

Only Darkness Now •• Alison Cotton

Alles in Allem •• Einstürzende Neubauten

SIGN •• Autechre

First Seance •• Land Trance

Duma •• Duma

These Charms May Be Sung Over a Wound •• Richard Skelton

Untitled (Rise) •• SAULT

Debris •• Keeley Forsyth

Type II •• Sex Swing

Dark Hearts •• Annie

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

The Common Task •• Horse Lords

Workaround •• Beatrice Dillon

7 Weapons Series •• Howie Lee

Zoom •• Upsammy

Free Humans •• Hen Ogledd

Suite for Max Brown •• Jeff Parker & The New Breed

Cumbia Siglo XXI •• Meridian Brothers

Serpent •• MXLX

Because Of A Flower •• Ana Roxanne

Forever Underground •• Phantom Posse

There Is No Year •• Algiers

Heart’s Ease •• Shirley Collins

Mestarin Kynsi •• Oranssi Pazuzu

Silver Ladders •• Mary Lattimore

DISCO •• Kylie Minogue

Edna •• Headie One

Mas Amable •• DJ Python

Have We Met •• Destroyer

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Glory Days •• Heather Leigh

Blues •• Lamin Fofana

Gold Record •• Bill Callahan

To Kiss Earth Goodbye •• Teleplasmiste

The Night Chancers •• Baxter Dury

Barbarians •• Young Knives

Fast Edit •• Still House Plants

Jp4 •• Junglepussy

Loom •• Katie Gately

Flower Violence •• Blóm

A Late Anthology Of Early Music Vol. 1: Ancient To Renaissance •• Jennifer Walshe

Cantus, Descant •• Sarah Davachi

Big Conspiracy •• J Hus

Endless Wound •• Black Curse

if i don't let myself be happy now then when? •• More Eaze & Claire Rousay

Seven Storey Mountain VI •• Nate Wooley

L’Inattingible •• Delphine Dora

Rock Sutra •• Sun Araw

Róisín Machine •• Róisín Murphy

Heaven To A Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

The Ascension •• Sufjan Stevens

Visions Of Bodies Being Burned •• clipping.

Returner •• Closed Circuits

Scacco Matto •• Lorenzo Senni

Lamunan •• Antonina Nowacka

Future Teenage Cave Artists •• Deerhoof

Não Fales Nela Que A Mentes •• Nídia

SKEEN •• Mariam Rezaei

Winterreise •• Jerskin Fendrix

May Our Chambers Be Full •• Emma Ruth Rundle & Thou

how i'm feeling now •• Charli XCX

Superstar •• Harry Pussy

The End Of Their World Is Coming •• Dead Meat

Viscerals •• Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs

KiCK i •• Arca

World Serpent •• Memnon Sa

Pedernal •• Susan Alcorn

Cwm Gwagle •• Datblygu

Beyond The Floor •• Geld

Trinity •• Laylow

The Big Exercise •• The Homesick

Malibu Liquor Store •• Shit And Shine

Couldn't Wait To Tell You... •• Liv.e

No Era Sólida •• Lucrecia Dalt

Abscess Time •• Pyrrhon

Thug Ambient •• Dale Cornish

Pillowland •• Jam City

Crabs In A Bucket •• Nines

Hidden In This Is The Light That You Miss •• Regis

Prole Art Threat •• East Man

Evil Spirits Who Prowl About The World Seeking The Ruin Of Souls •• Haq123

Toutes Ces Horreurs •• Satan

Figures •• Aksak Maboul

Mind Hive •• Wire

2020 •• Magik Markers

Training Day 3 •• Potter Payper

Swirling •• Sun Ra Arkestra

Nah Nah Nah Yeh Yeh Yeh •• Luminous Bodies

Aux Pieds De La Nuit •• Nyx Nótt

6 •• Pharaoh Overlord

The 50 Best Albums of 2020 •• Rolling Stone

Jonathan Bernstein, Emily Blake, Jon Blistein, Jon Dolan, Patrick Doyle, Brenna Ehrlich, Jon Freeman, Kory Grow, Christian Hoard, Joseph Hudak, Elias Leight, Angie Martoccio, Claire Shaffer, Rob Sheffield, Hank Shteamer, Simon Vozick-Levinson

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

YHLQMDLG •• Bad Bunny

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Chromatica •• Lady Gaga

Letter to You •• Bruce Springsteen

City on Lock •• City Girls

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

Ho, why is you here? •• Flo Milli

Map of the Soul: 7 •• BTS

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

græ •• Moses Sumney

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

Never Will •• Ashley McBryde

Honeymoon •• Beach Bunny

Positions •• Ariana Grande

Plastic Hearts •• Miley Cyrus

Rare •• Selena Gomez

Manic •• Halsey

To Love Is to Live •• Jehnny Beth

Good News •• Megan Thee Stallion

Reunions •• Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit

Shamir •• Shamir

Sixteen Oceans •• Four Tet

Petals for Armor •• Hayley Williams

After Hours •• The Weeknd

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

Private Lives •• Low Cut Connie

Got to Be Tough •• Toots and the Maytals

Traditional Techniques •• Stephen Malkmus

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

Fake It Flowers •• beabadoobee

McCartney III •• Paul McCartney

Haunted Painting •• Sad13

Alphabetland •• X

Aftermath •• Elizabeth Cook

Starting Over •• Chris Stapleton

Power Up •• AC/DC

The Price of Tea in China •• Boldy James & The Alchemist

Good Souls Better Angels •• Lucinda Williams

Growth •• Kareem Ali

Love Is The King •• Jeff Tweedy

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

Albums of the Year 2020 •• Rough Trade

Rough Trade Staff

Untitled (Black Is) •• SAULT

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

Song For Our Daughter •• Laura Marling

Beyond the Pale •• Jarv Is

So When You Gonna •• Dream Wife

Viscerals •• Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs

Bedroom •• bdrmm

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

Sideways to New Italy •• Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever

England Is A Garden •• Cornershop

Galore •• Oklou

Protean Threat •• Osees

Ultra Mono •• Idles

Suddenly •• Caribou

What Kinda Music •• Tom Misch + Yussef Dayes

By The Fire •• Thurston Moore

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

Wu Hen •• Kamaal Williams

Wake Up! •• Hazel English

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Jump Rope Gazers •• Beths

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

Seeking Thrills •• Georgia

RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

There Is No Other •• Isobel Campbell

Head Above Water •• Brigid Mae Power

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

Old Flowers •• Courtney Marie Andrews

Sixteen Oceans •• Four Tet

Loco •• A Certain Ratio

Ummon •• Slift

Coriky •• Coriky

Keleketla! •• Keleketla!

That’s How Rumours Get Started •• Margo Price

Introduction, Presence •• Nation Of Language

some kind of peace •• Olafur Arnalds

Walking Like We Do •• Big Moon

Bug On Yonkers •• Damaged Bug

WHAT WE DREW 우리가 그려왔던 •• Yaeji

Home •• Romare

Infinity of Now •• Heliocentrics

3D Routine •• Mush

All or Nothing •• Shopping

Fading •• Pole

Flower of Devotion •• Dehd

Heritage of the Invisible II •• Aqulies Navarro + Tcheser Holmes

Blue Hearts •• Bob Mould

All the Time •• Jessy Lanza

WILL THIS MAKE ME GOOD •• Nick Hakim

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

Myopia •• Agnes Obel

Anywhere But Here •• Habibi

Man Alive! •• King Krule

Invisible People •• Chicano Batman

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

I Grow Tired But Dare Not Fall Asleep •• Ghostpoet

Cenizás •• Nicolas Jaar

Straight Songs of Sorrow •• Mark Lanegan

Friday Forever •• Everything Is Recorded

Pleasure Line •• Video Age

Happy Birthday •• Sneaks

Shortly After Takeoff •• BC Camplight

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Voices •• Max Richter

Even in Exile •• James Dean Bradfield

The True Story Of •• Bananagun

Making a New World •• Field Music

Only for Dolphins •• Action Bronson

Midnight Manor •• The Nude Party

The Juice That’s Worth the Squeeze •• Cherry Pickles

The Long Goodbye •• Riz Ahmed

Colourfield •• Dan Michaelson

Stray •• Bambara

Collector •• Disq

Gentle Grip •• Public Practice

Miss Anthropocene •• Grimes

Reunions •• Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit

Tender Epoch •• Rudy De Anda

Bonny Light Horseman •• Bonny Light Horseman

Moveys •• Slow Pulp

Alphabetland •• X

The Land that Time Forgot •• Chuck Prophet

Up in the Air •• Bent

Mind Hive •• Wire

UNLOCKED •• Denzel Curry x Kenny Beats

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

High Risk Behaviour •• Chats

songs •• Adrianne Lenker || instrumentals •• Adrianne Lenker

Have We Met •• Destroyer

The Ascension •• Sufjan Stevens

Visions of Bodies Being Burned •• clipping.

Articulation •• Rival Consoles

Mordechai •• Khruangbin

Marigold •• Pinegrove

It’s Only Us •• Monophonics

Debris •• Keeley Forsyth

Superstar •• Caroline Rose

Truth or Consequences •• Yumi Zouma

Mother Stone •• Caleb Landry Jones

The Best Albums of 2020 •• Slate

Carl Wilson

  ALBUMS

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Likewise •• Frances Quinlan

Saint Cloud •• Waxahatchee

color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Diet Cig, Bully, The Beths, beabadoobee, Beach Bunny, Mitski, Torres, Down Time, and Emily Brown

Beginners •• Christian Lee Huston

Down in the Weeds, Where the World Once Was •• Bright Eyes

Artlessly Falling •• Mary Halvorson’s Code Girl

Pedernal •• Susan Alcorn

Zurich Concert •• Jaimie Branch & The Dave Gisler Trio

Beverly Glenn-Copeland

Here It Comes Again [EP] •• Cate Le Bon & Group Listening

L’inattingible •• Delphine Dora

Solar Wind •• Joëlle Leandre, Robert Dick, and Miya Masaoka

Memory Game •• Meredith Monk & The Bang On a Can All-Stars

Fra Det Onde •• Fra Det Onde & Emil Nikolaisen

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

DISCO •• Kylie Minogue

Chromatica •• Lady Gaga

Positions •• Ariana Grande

The Album •• Teyana Taylor

It Was Good Until It Wasn’t •• Kehlani

After Hours •• The Weeknd

Modus Vivendi •• 070 Shake

Songs for Pierre Chuvin •• The Mountain Goats

Getting Into Knives •• The Mountain Goats

Day of the Tiles [EP] •• Human Hearts

Island •• Owen Pallett

Microphones in 2020 •• The Microphones

Gold Record •• Bill Callahan

Home Time •• Darren Hayman

Alphabetland •• X

Untitled (Rise) •• SAULT || Untitled (Black Is) •• SAULT

We Are Sent Here by History •• Shabaka and the Ancestors

Dark Matter •• Moses Boyd

Source •• Nubya Garcia

Universal Beings E & F Sides •• Makaya McCraven

Swirling •• Sun Ra Arkestra

To Know Without Knowing •• Mulatu Astatke & Black Jesus Experience

Dutch from the 5th •• Dutchavelli

Send Them to Coventry •• Pa Salieu

Stormzy & Skepta

Crabs in a Bucket •• Nines

J Hus, Headie One, Tion Wayne, D Double E, Blanco, Young T & Bugsey, Kojey Radical, AJ Tracey, and Ghetts

on the tender spot of every calloused moment •• Ambrose Akinmusire

Suite for Max Brown •• Jeff Parker

America the Beautiful •• Kahil El’Zabar

Omega •• Immanuel Wilkins

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Forever, Ya Girl •• KeiyaA

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The 50 Best Albums of 2020 •• Stereogum

Stereogum Staff

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RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

Women in Music Pt. III •• HAIM

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color theory •• Soccer Mommy

Inlet •• Hum

Hannah •• Lomelda

Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

Shore •• Fleet Foxes

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Live Forever •• Bartees Strange

Notes on a Conditional Form •• The 1975

Alfredo •• Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist

how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

925 •• Sorry

Inner Song •• Kelly Lee Owens

Rough and Rowdy Ways •• Bob Dylan

World House •• Mil-Spec

No Dream •• Jeff Rosenstock

Song for Our Daughter •• Laura Marling

What’s Your Pleasure? •• Jessie Ware

It Is What It Is •• Thundercat

Punisher •• Phoebe Bridgers

Viewing •• Stay Inside

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Microphones in 2020 •• The Microphones

KiCk i •• Arca

2017-2019 •• Against All Logic

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The Price of Tea in China •• Boldy James & The Alchemist

Suddenly •• Caribou

Reunions •• Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit

SIGN •• Autechre

Every Bad •• Porridge Radio

græ •• Moses Sumney

Southside •• Sam Hunt

Descendants of Cain •• Ka

Introduction, Presence •• Nation of Language

A Hero’s Death •• Fontaines D.C.

FREE I.H.: This Is Not the One You’ve Been Waiting For •• Illuminati Hotties

Take a Chance on Rock ‘n’ Roll •• Couch Slut

May Our Chambers Be Full •• Emma Ruth Rundle & Thou

It Was Good Until It Wasn’t •• Kehlani

As We Suffer from Memory and Imagination •• Nuvolascura

Future Nostalgia •• Dua Lipa

Best Albums of 2020 •• TIME

Raisa Bruner & Andrew R. Chow

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Ungodly Hour •• Chloe x Halle

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Gaslighter •• The Chicks

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

Set My Heart on Fire Immediately •• Perfume Genius

Agüita •• Gabriel Garzón-Montano

We’re New Again - A Reimagining •• Makaya McCraven

Miss Anthropecene •• Grimes

Celia •• Tiwa Savage

The Best Albums of 2020 •• Uproxx

Uproxx Staff

folklore •• Taylor Swift

Fetch the Bolt Cutters •• Fiona Apple

Spilligion •• Spillage Village

Eternal Atake •• Lil Uzi Vert

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After Hours •• The Weeknd

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RTJ4 •• Run the Jewels

My Turn •• Lil Baby

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Heaven to a Tortured Mind •• Yves Tumor

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Fine Line •• Harry Styles

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how i’m feeling now •• Charli XCX

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SAWAYAMA •• Rina Sawayama

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Imploding the Mirage •• The Killers

songs •• Adrianne Lenker || instrumentals •• Adrianne Lenker

Pray for Paris •• Westside Gunn

The Album •• BLACKPINK

Better •• Deanté Hitchcock

Queen of Da Souf •• Mulatto

Twice as Tall •• Burna Boy

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A Written Testimony •• Jay Electronica

Fake It Flowers •• beabadoobee

My Agenda •• Dorian Electra

Heaven or Hell •• Don Toliver

The New Abnormal •• The Strokes

Behind-the-Paywall Lists:

LA Times

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[alias-b]

Without The Lights~ Billy Hargrove x OC Camille Harper

Chapter 11: There Are Worse Things I Could Do

A/N: Valentine’s Day of 1985 after a terrible school prank. Camille gets some horrid news and comfort from a surprising source. TW: Death, talk of abortion, asshole high schoolers, mental break, and brief self h*rm scene.

    The comments weren’t bad. Oh, no.

    "That's the one... Her."

    "Queen Bee. Queen Bitch."

    "Slut."

    "Wonder who the daddy was."

    "Baby killer."

    "Hargrove better watch out, she traps boys. He'll lose interest now for sure."

    "Camille, the whore, Harper."

   Those were all tragically and hilariously to be expected.

  It was the staring. Those damn eyes. The way she could walk into a room and have it hush. Teachers and students alike. Thinking those thoughts too loudly. Camille marched in. Knowing they were talking about her. Eyes lifted and moved over her body like she’d never get privacy again. Camille was used to being watched. Desired. But, this... Avoiding her face was one thing. Staring direct at her long scraped out womb was another. The attention burned. Lights scorched. No dark corners to curl up and hide away in. And how Camille tried to. She imagined layers of flesh melting away until she was muscle and bone. They would rub salt into the rawness of her wounds.

  Camille turned her nose up to all that shit. Fixed her lipstick. Flicked her hair. Blew bubbles with gum like nothing was around. She spoke up in class. Made herself more visible because she had no choice and she wanted control again. Camille burst with technicolor. Crushed them all. Swayed like a dancer down hallways. Undaunted. By force. But, undaunted nonetheless.

  Billy watched her float. Like nothing could touch her. He found himself wishing that he could float too. Camille tried to sit alone at lunch. Tried. Steve smacked a tray down across from her. Sent a message that nothing had changed. Students watched their king sit and eat, sliding an extra carton of milk over. She’d tried to skip the meal too. Nancy and Jonathan came next, adding crackers and a brownie to the lunch. Billy was on her right after, placing his green apple there. Hadn't lost interest of course. Heather ushered Robin over even and they joined. Camille let herself smile.

  “So, anyone catch Mr. Creed’s new hairpiece? A surprising color.” Steve leaned forward and Heather laughed. He attempted to make his friend feel normal again.

  “I couldn’t even take notes, I was waiting for it to crawl away.”

  “Definitely hiding something,” Jonathan piped up. Camille watched her odd group of friends joke, picking up the apple to bite into it first. Billy shot her a wink so she nudged his leg with her own.

  “I had him last year. Once he got frustrated and ran his hand into it. Flipped half the thing over and finished class like that.” She chuckled finally when they did, encouraged.

  “He’s gotta put that whole collection out of their misery.” Robin added. Camille enjoyed feeling like a teen again. For once. Steve kicked her foot under the table, flashing a smile that set her at ease. It was like this over the next week. Gluing little shards of glass back together. Trying not to slice tired fingers. Rosemary acted as if nothing happened prior. Cooped up in her studio with new designs. Work was better. Better than a daughter who refused to be a daughter. Camille stayed afloat until the ship cracked again. The perfect hive threatened to crumble in.

  Her stupid locker. Still broken. This day, she jerked it open for her chemistry book with Robin next to her, ready to walk to class. Red splashed all down her front. Covered the floor and Robin’s shoes. A bucket of blood red paint clattered, dribbling all over. Camille went into shock, hands lifting while it pooled out. Like most shitty things in her life now. Pooling out. She longed briefly to let it cover all else. Clothing ruined. The crack deepened when Carol pointed to laugh across the way. Ex-popular friends joined in around her. Tommy was cackling, racing away to catch more attention. Billy's foot came out by his locker and the boy tripped hard, smacking the floor. Students ceased their laughter.

  "Eat shit, you little bitch." Billy bared his teeth. Looking utterly feral because that was his default setting.

  "Mad someone got your slut before you did, Hargrove? You'll have to fight every quarterback in Indiana." Tommy dragged backwards but was ripped up, shoved into the lockers. Camille paid no mind.

  "Get the fuck out of here." Billy struggled with his rage and tossed Tommy the other way, arms swiping out to frighten him off. Tommy was Steve's added beefcake muscle once upon a time but he'd be a fool to challenge a fire-breathing hyena like Billy Hargrove.

  “What the hell, Carol?” Robin spoke first back down the hallway. Heather ran along to see her friends. Odd bunch they made. Camille the freak. Robin the weirdo. Baby faced Heather. Billy shoved his locker closed and pushed students to see his friend too.

  “Are you okay? Camille?” Heather was ignored. Baby killer, came some more utters and Camille stalked forth. Carol shut her mouth and cried out when a fist charged right next to her head. Its force dented the locker in. The brass knuckle punch style she'd easily picked up from Billy. Something detached inside Camille. Instead of hitting Carol and crying, she just laughed. Eyes wide. Unstable. It echoed into their school. Demanded respect and attention because this was stone fox Camille Harper here. She laughed louder. How could she not? Her entire life was fucked. It was a lie. Why hide when the cards were all on the table today? More of her friends rounded the hallway in awe.

  “Carol. I should be upset. What a clever, clever prank. How many brain cells did it take between you all? I wonder. But, you know…I’m not mad one little bit. Because I grew out of being a nasty bitch and I know you won’t for a while.” Camille was grinning. Carol looked shocked, tipping back to avoid the paint. “You don’t have to date a shitty ass guy who tries to fuck your friends when you take breaks and hate yourself, you know? Good luck with that. Been there, crawled out.” Camille jerked forward to hug Carol as tight as she could. “We’ll get through it together.” One hand took Carol's jaw. Red swatched her skin before she pushed her backwards after planting a hard, sweet kiss on her cheek. Paint swiped Camille's fingers so she reached up where there wasn’t paint on her shirt and traced an A.

  A scarlet letter.

  “Bitch! Camille, what the fuck? You lost it.” Carol looked down at herself, clothes ruined now too.

  “Bold to assume that I even had it to begin with, babe.” Camille left her, head still high. Hips swaying. Paint splattering. "Well, any of you wet dream drones have anything else to say to me? Now's the fucking time!" Arms swiped, sending spatters of red into nearby students and lockers. Instead the entire crowd parted for her in sync. Moses standing at the damn Red Sea separating it. "I thought so." She puffed, lips lifting to smile because she owned them still. "Robin, sorry about the shoes."

   "You know, I think this could be a great look actually." Robin joked instead, rolling with it because her friend was clinically insane and she adored her now.

  "Right. Now, where is Billy Hargrove? Hm? Don't be shy, sweet face." Camille commanded her drones to part further and reveal him there at the center. Billy had stopped to watch halfway toward her, eyes fixated and huge when he got a better look. "Ah, there you are." She sucked her teeth, clicking her tongue once before she came forth. "Should have smelt the smoky hairspray and warm cologne, it's still to die for." The teen dream stopped in front of him. Everyone was dead silent. Awed. Impressed. Aroused.

      Queen Bee Camille.  

  “Pick me up tonight." Hands on her hips, head cocked. Flirty and unashamed. Splashed bright red. A firework bursting in his life. "Seven o'clock sharp. We are going to the god damn movies. It's a date, just so we're clear. Be prepared to hold the door for me.”

  “You’re the boss, Hester. Wear something red. Color's good on you.” Billy winked, shrugging before he too stepped aside to let her go. Unworried. Happy. Camille left a trail of footprints all down the hallway. She entered the girl’s gym showers in her clothing. Earning shocked looks when she started laughing aloud again and got under cold spray. Cleansed her skin. Red sloshed all down into the drain like the flood of a period. Her clothing was still ruined. They called her mother again to get her. Took an entire load of towels to get her out of the showers without making another mess. Camille was still laughing the whole way.

  It never ended.

** ** **

  “Camille, I’m not sure this is a good idea. You should rest. You've had a rough week.” Rosemary had frowned. Her own palms shook when she clasped them. Camille didn't notice her shaking

  “I’m peachy.” She imagined teeth peeling fuzzy peach skin away to suck the juicy fruit within. That sweetness dripping from soft, plush lips.

  “You’re different.” Rosemary couldn't get her daughter to turn around and just look at her. Not like she used to.

  “I’m different?” The teen huffed and yanked up into the tree in front of their house. Another awful prank. Hung baby dolls from branches. “You going to help me here, mother?”

  “They need me in New York again.” Rosemary resigned herself. Guilt swirled and she pressed her lips. Stared for a long moment, desperate. “Ask me to stay with you, I will.”

  “You're right. I am different.” Camille admitted, head turning. “My eyes are open.” Her mother looked truly unsettled. “Go, they need you. I can handle myself.”

  "I'm so sorry, Camille." Rosemary never said what for. First mistake. Her mother turned to go. "I left you something in the kitchen. Cheer you up. It used to." Camille never went to see what it was. Second mistake. She dumped the toys into their trash bin and prettied herself up. Wore a casual pink dress that slipped from her shoulders with cherries all over it. Small splashes of red. The Camaro howled while she applied the same red to her lips. Billy felt his heart charge when he pulled into the driveway. Finally.

  “Millionth time is the charm, huh?” Camille approached when he got out. "Devil's pride nice still?"

  "Yeah, I'd say so." Billy prettied himself as well, fitted shirt opened halfway and tucked into tight jeans. His preferred style. She smiled at him like nothing was wrong.

  "Shall we?"

  “Chariot awaits,” he cocked his head and offered a single peony from behind his back. Pink. Billy got the door for her and went around to drive them off. Let her pick the flick and he bought the tickets. The Breakfast Club. He only whined a little about it. Camille bought the snacks and they found seats up in back. More teens filled the room before the lights hushed. They took turns snagging popcorn and sips of soda. As much as he rolled his eyes prior, Billy grew invested. Every teen in sight felt it. Damn movie was too relevant. Camille leaned into him, allowing his arm behind her. Idle fingers traced the bare skin of her shoulder. The world let them be blissful teens tonight. For a little while. Third mistake. Credits rolled and he held her hand just like they discussed. Kids filtered out so Camille leaned in to kiss him, inches away before she gasped instead.

  “Hey. Robin and Heather are here. Check it out,” she noticed them down closer to the front. Giggling. Tossing pieces of popcorn while they joked and stood. Heather looped her arm into Robin’s. Grins followed.

  “Didn’t know they were actually close friends now. Lab partners or whatever.” Billy shrugged and Camille had to cover her lips. “What?”

  “Boys are so oblivious, come on. To the diner.” She tugged at his hand to go down the steps.

  "As you wish." Billy pulled her into him, earning a slight giggle. Chilly air swept and his leather jacket was already around her.

  “Camille!” Heather caught them exiting the doors, hand leaving Robin’s quicker than intended. Camille peered at the space between them, eyes lifting.

  “Heather…hi. Nice to see you both. Fine night compared to earlier, yeah?”

  “Yes. Sorry, we didn’t know you guys were up there. I would have said hi. Great movie, right?” Heather continued.

  “I loved it and so did Billy, despite the whining.” Camille joked, patting his chest. “Hey, Robin.”

  “Hey…” Cold wind passed them so Camille brought Billy’s jacket closer.

  “You got Billy to sit through that, impressive.” Heather was entertained.

  “Just wait till you see my other tricks,” Billy lit up a cigarette behind his date.

  “Okay, on that note, you guys…have a good time.” Camille kissed her friend's cheek, winking. Heather gave an honest smile, relaxing again.

  “Thanks, Camille.”

  “We’ll see you two in class, yeah.” Robin crossed her arms. “Now do the trick where you disappear, if you could.”

  “Love that one,” Billy pressed Camille’s back when she gave Heather a knowing look of encouragement. He drove her to the diner and they found a corner booth. “Large milkshake. Chocolate. Side of fries.” He told the waiter. “Well, Harpy, we covered it, didn’t we?”

  “What?”

  “We angrily laid this out in detail months ago. Hit all the important points.”

  “Hm, I think there is always room to improvise.” She purred, chin resting in her hand as she leaned over.

  “Oh, say improvise again.”

  “No,” Camille laughed when he gave that world melting smile. Food was set down. Billy snagged some fries and shifted the plate between them. She sipped and hummed blissfully. “I’m going to have that song from the movie trapped in my head for weeks.” Camille plucked up a hot fry to eat.

  “Thought it was funny us going to see that? Criminal and princess.”

  “I didn’t plan that,” she grew amused. “Didn’t know the movie would be like that. Frankly though, I’m starting to think I’m more of a basket case now.”

  “Can’t argue there,” Billy dodged a fry at that, laughing before he stole her milkshake. "Queenie is buzzing along a very fine line."

  "Suppose I feel like I have wings today." Camille gave a shrug. "Guess that I also wanted to bring up more of the wildly unhinged me who told her ex to eat shit."

  “Hey, look, I know you’re all smiles now and great. But…”

  “Disgraced bee flew too close to the sun.” Camille rolled her eyes and sat back. “I’m not faking it for you. I don't do that with or for boys, rest assured. These last two weeks have been…fucking awful. But, I’m on a date with a guy I care about and I think it’s going well.”

  “We talking B minus work?” He gaze at her closely.

  “Oh no, I think you’re on your way to a solid A plus with extra credit. Gold star work.” She joked. It was intoxicating even still. The way he smiled at her. Charming as hell. Lighter. Easy. Slow and steady, her hand came to touch his. Fingers curling. Eyes met and they stayed to enjoy the lingering beat between them. “I want to try something.”

  “You do?” Billy’s brow furrowed and she wasn’t hesitant.

  “I want to try it back at my place.” They scrambled to pay and go. Rain splattered lightly so he pulled her by the hand. Hair and clothing damp. Unable to resist, Billy yanked her into his chest. Hands on her wet face to kiss her there under rain and stars. Camille responded, pulling at him until they both laughed and continued to his car. Giggling teens on a date. Nothing to lose. So they thought. Billy sped while she slid over and placed playful, teasing kisses on his neck.

  “Harpy, I’m supposed to be setting a better example when I drive.” He’d joked, stilling to kiss her again at a red light. Hands smoothed along his thigh and they couldn’t park fast enough in her driveway. “Hey.”

  “Hm?” Camille was still in Billy's neck, palms sliding up his chest.

  “Look.” He pointed. Jim Hopper’s Blazer sat parked in front. The Chief was waiting, snuffing out a cigarette before Camille hurried out on unsteady feet.

  “Jim.” She felt a gust of cold crackle up her spine when he lifted his eyes. Rain stilled. "How long have you been here?"

  "Not long." He stared at them, clearly on a date and worked up. Camille came down fast.

  "What are you doing here, Jim?" She'd asked it quieter.

  “Camille, I think we should talk inside.” His palm was on her back to guide her forth. Camille's hand slipped from Billy's and they mourned that.

  “What happened?” She pressed, struggling to open the door.

  “Hargrove, give us a moment.”

  “No, Billy, come inside. You can say it to both of us.” Camille marched up to him while he took his hat off. A motion that appeared grave. Billy shut the door, his own flesh chilled when rain dripped from his curls. “Say it.”

  “Camille.”

  “Say it!” She barked at him, echoing in that empty house. Jim’s eyes drew to her own.

  “It’s Judith.” He crumbled her world. “I’ve been checking on her and-”

  “No, don’t you fucking…lie. Don't you lie to my face. It's fine. She's fine.” Tears welled. She got smaller. “You were supposed to protect her.”

  "I'm so sorry, I only heard a few hours ago. We've had people on her I trust. There... Something happened."

  "It's a mistake. No...No! You don't know shit. You're nothing but...a fuck up. You're just a fuck up!" She spat and he remained tender while her rage filtering out at him. "You are a liar."

  “She’s gone, Camille.” He was pushed hard at that.

  “Shut the fuck up…she didn’t… I knew they’d come for her! Another loose end to torment me with.” Camille couldn’t catch a breath, stumbling back before he took her arms. The dark secrets she kept. The life she had. The mother she never got to know. Gone. Gone. Gone. It all just fluttered. “Ngh, no!”

  “She passed, Camille. They confirmed it. I saw the certificate. Photos. Everything.”

  “How?”

  “Camille.”

  “How did she die?!” She screamed it. Echoing again. Billy pressed back into the door. His face felt impossibly hot.

  “They say she did it herself.”

  “They say…? A gentle, manic woman who never spoke and just spent her days rocking.” Camille broke. “So they killed her. They fucking killed my mother. Just to ruin me further. They know I can't mourn it. They know I saw her and they know I have to hide. Fucking, they killed us both. Again and again. Finally finished her off. It's because I found her. It's my fault.”

  “You didn't do this. There was something. Small. Carved into her arm. Three numbers.” Jim reached again to stop Camille from falling. “Hey, you have to breathe. Easy.”

  “No, she’s not… She can’t…” Camille was beating on his broad chest. “Lies! Lies! You’re a liar! A shitty, awful liar. I hate you! You fuck up! You were supposed to watch her. You...”

  “Camille,” Billy found his own voice, hands up to pull her off Chief Hopper’s towering frame. She slipped out of his jacket.

  “No, no, it isn’t true.” Camille rushed beyond them, tearing up the stairs. She saw her room empty. Kicked bedroom doors open. They pursued to stop her, forces jerked them aside. Her nose bled. “Can’t… It can’t be right.” Camille rushed down the stairs again. Nothing in the living room. She stopped in the kitchen when she saw them. The gift. To cheer her up. Confirming her worst fears. A vase of bright, freshly cut sunflowers left by her mother. An apology and a confession. She’d known. “No, no…no.” A wail tore. Shook the whole house before she lifted the entire thing to smash them. Yellow petals exploded around her feet. The doors slammed to the room when she fell to her knees. A sharp shard cut into her palm before she lost herself and dug it into skin. Eyes wide and unfocused. Three tiny numbers bled out.

  “Hey!” Jim pounded at the door, kicking it open when she relented before he tore her up from the floor. “Knock it off!” Camille dragged and wished to bring the entire house down. He held her arms tight so she bucked around and wailed again. Everything took too much of a toll on Camille. This was the last straw. Rosemary stared at her eyes earlier and knew. Knew what would come. And Camille would have to smile upon seeing her when she came home.

  Billy’s hands were on her face. He was talking too fast for her to process. He slipped away when she fell back into Jim, sobs barely subsiding because she was exhausted. Fingers gripped her forearm and Billy was tying a towel around it.

  “Go pack her a bag. She’s not well, I’m taking her home. Hurry.” Jim pulled her to her feet, half carrying her into the living room to put her on the couch. They cleaned the mess without words and got her into Jim’s car. Her cries silenced when the door shut. Billy found the silent wails of agony more horrific from outside the car.

  “Kid, I’ll handle it from here. Get yourself home.“

  “Fuck that, I’m sticking with her.” Billy edged forward. "You don't know her."

  “Billy, you helped. You did.” Jim eased. Billy didn’t jerk when a hand touched his shoulder. “What Camille needs is to process this. She needs rest.”

  “After she found her mother the first time, she stuffed herself with pills. I made her throw them up, she took so damn many. I am not…” Billy felt himself tremble. Jim understood, nodding. Watch her. “We were happy.”

  “Yeah, you’re good kids. You are. Just trying to make it better and you will. Camille needs to rest and she isn't safe to be alone in this house. Give it some time. Give her some time. Things still bad at school?”

  “Hung babies and red paint aren’t exactly welcoming.”

  “I’ll handle it. Go home. Let me take care of her, I know enough and if she's like El: her abilities could lash out. I’ll call if anything happens. All right? I'll call you first,” Jim pressed him to leave and he finally did. Billy didn’t drive home, instead he was stumbling up to another door. Bell rang and Steve Harrington looked confused.

  “Hey, man…you lost?” Steve didn’t see anyone behind him. Billy looked like utter shit. “You do know this is my house, right?”

  "Yes, asshole, I fucking know which-"

  "Okay, good talk," Steve moved to shut the door and Billy dropped the anger.

  "Wait..." Billy's foot stopped him. Steve sighed and pulled it back open.

  "Try again, pal." He waited so Billy changed his tone.

  “You got alcohol in there?”

  “Parents are gone to the weekend, uh…yeah.” Steve relented then stepped aside. “What’s going on?”

  “Start pouring first.”

** ** **

  “Camille.” El was excited until she saw her expression.

  “El, give her a moment.” Hopper guided the mute teen into their little cabin. His puffy police coat over her frame. “Pull out the couch for her.”

  “What happened?” El asked instead when Hopper got Camille into the bathroom. The door shut so he helped fix the couch into a bed. Eleven brought extra pillows and saw him locking up knives and pills. “Why?”

  “Camille is incredibly upset.” Jim explained it carefully. “Her mother. Real mother…she passed away.”

  “Gone.”

  “Yeah,” Jim swept the young girl under his arm. “We have to be careful with her. She’s hurting. Sometimes when people hurt…they take it out on themselves. She’s going to stay here a few nights while Rosemary is out.”

  “I can watch her.” El promised and Jim pressed a smile, rubbing her shoulders. Camille looked numb when she appeared. El hurried to take her hand and get her to lie down. “I’m sorry…about your mama.” Camille hated herself for the tiniest thought that maybe it was for the best. The older teen peered at her and nodded while El turned on the TV for her. Noise to fill the voids in the room. Jim pulled a chair up to unwrap her wrist. It took a moment for the little girl to realize Camille did it to herself.

  “Give us a moment,” Jim nodded so El went into her room. He cleaned the cuts and applied ointment while she reclined there. “Wanted the scar.”

  “They erased me.”

  “Six isn’t who you are, Camille.”

  “Guess I’m not really sure what I am any longer. Queen bee. Freak. Slut. Six. Baby killer. Always the fucking brands.” She paused. “Sorry, you lost your daughter.”

  “Two completely different scenarios, Camille, you’re not a bad person and I wrote the book on fucking up. No room to judge a teenage girl for making a terrifying and informed choice about her body.” Jim got up and pulled something from his coat pocket. “They sent me this with the certificate.” The tiny Star of David necklace. She let him clasp it so it could hang down low with Billy’s pendant.

  “Thank you.” She welled up and closed her eyes to still it.

  “She loved you. She did.” Jim touched her hair. "I'll let you have some space."

  "Wait," she sniffled, cracking. "Can you just hold me for a little bit?" Jim stilled, air leaving his nose before he sat back down. Awkwardly, she came up to scoot into his arms when he sat on the edge of the mattress. Jim floundered a little too, uncertain. She adjusted half in his lap. Camille pressed into him when he held her tighter, arms up against his chest. Inhaling the scent of him. Nothing like her own adopted father. Long rotting in the ground. She still closed her eyes to pretend. She wondered what her real father smelled like. Maybe something like this. Crisp. Safe. Jim rocked her when she began to shake in his arms. They melted more together. He cupped the back of her head so she lifted it to look at him. Small. Fingers smoothing idly into the fabric of his shirt as his thumb caught a single tear. "You're not a fuck up." She rasped then. Lips pressed at that.

  “Get some rest, Camille.” He offered, tucking long hair aside. She eased herself back into the mattress. El came out in her pajamas to crawl in next to Camille.

  “I can watch her,” El stated again when Camille was lulled to sleep. Jim stayed there petting her head until El took over. The little girl kissed her hair like Jim had done to her many times before to comfort her too. Hopper went to his room and left El curled into her sister. They looked peaceful.

** ** **

  “Hello?” Nancy was groggy when she received a call.

  “Hey, uh, Nancy, it’s Steven,” Steve snorted into the phone and Nancy was alert.

  “Steve? It’s late. Are you drunk?”

  “I’m the moral support, Nance.” Steve was trying to quiet someone behind him. “I have every single thing in my life...super under control.”

  “Oh, my god. Where are you?”

  “Home, near the pool. Um, Nancy, I did…something bad.” Steve slurred. “Remember how we dated for like a year? Wild. I was a shitty boyfriend.”

  “No, Steve, you really weren’t. Not at all.” Nancy was up, Jonathan lifted his eyes in question across from her.

  “Couldn’t even beat the keg king, a little girl had to step in. She’s like…way cooler than me. I think Max is the real keg king at heart.” Steve was laughing and Billy snorted, seated in a lawn chair near him. “I…am just calling…wait, why am I calling again?”

  “Camille…needs her fucking band of annoying nerds. The party. That thing…she doesn’t,” Billy hiccuped, plastered, “I’m not enough, ah, and I never will be.”

  “Billy wants to have a party.” Steve was laughing.

  “Billy? You’re drunk with Billy Hargrove?” Nancy smacked Jonathan’s shoulder to get him moving.

  "Ow!"

  “We’re coming over. Now.”

  “You’re with Jonathan, that’s hilarious.” He cackled. “Byers! He kicked my ass too!”

  “He told me!” Billy fell back, grinning.

  “Don’t go anywhere,” Nancy smacked the phone down. “Come on.” Back at Steve’s, he fell into a pool side chair.

  “She could def...definitely not even tell I’d been drinking. I’m…sneaky like a ninja.” Steve reclined back.

  “Shit is fucking wild, man. How did I get here? Look at them.” Billy watched the hundreds of stars dance in his state, lulling about.

  “You…are a fucking asshole.” Steve was swatting for him, hitting only air.

  “Yeah, I am.” They tried to high five and missed that too. “Pissed off a junior demolished you at everything you love?”

  “Beside the point. You’re like…like a real…huge asshole. But, you’re also not so bad. You know? I just…can’t fight for shit. And you somehow became friends with Camille Harper. My friend. My queen friend.” Steve was laughing again.

  “She tricked me into her intr...intricate friendship rituals.”

  “Oh, she does that shit. We all fall for it. You especially. And…you…you beat the shit out of me and then your kid sister stole your car. What the fuck was all that?”

  “What the fuck was that?” Billy agreed, head tipping. Nancy and Jonathan sped there, coming around back to see the two wasted boys.

  “Ayy! It’s Nancy! Nancy…!” Steve clapped. Billy was trying and failing to light a cigarette. They hollered in sync so she shushed them.

  “Hey, zip it! Both of you.” Nancy ordered. “What is this?”

  “If Camille were here it would be exactly…like…The Breakfast Club.” Billy started cackling and Steve joined him. “New party name, you fucking nerds.”

  “This guy is hilarious, he’s so right. So…right…”  

  “Hey, hey focus.” Nancy picked up a spray bottle for the window flowers and hit them both with water. They hissed and whipped around to avoid the cold like a pair of cats. Billy’s cigarette sizzled out so he flicked it, giving up. Jonathan covered his lips and tried not to laugh at this all. “What happened? Where is Camille?”

  “Police Chief kidnapped her mid date.” Billy had his hands up when she threatened them again with the spray bottle.

  “Why?” Jonathan stepped forward. Billy blinked as some awareness came back.

  “Bad thing… Her, fuck shit… Her mother. They got her.”

  “Her mom? Rosemary?”

  “No. One in the hospital.” Steve played with his shirt. “She didn’t make it.” Nancy lowered the bottle, realizing.

  “Oh, no… Where is Camille now?”

  “Hopper just…whiskered her away. Adopting another one probably.” Steve tried to sit up and Jonathan hurried to assist him.

  "You need a bed, come on."

  "Hey pal, I may have let you kick my ass but, you are not qualified to tuck me in." Steve dragged with him. Billy stared at the pool with a harder expression, lights fluttered on his face. Made him look almost ethereal.

  “We gotta get them inside.” Jonathan was helping poor Steve along still. Billy managed to sit up more and Nancy saw a flower in his hand. Camille had left it in the car. He stared at the petals and leaned to drop it into the pool. Water shifted with ripples. Billy watched them carefully so Nancy crossed over.

  “Billy, you’re not looking well. You need to get inside.” She and Jonathan heaved Billy to his feet next. "There we go." He stumbled and made an odd sound. Nancy realized that he was sniffling. She saw nausea sweep his expression and they hurried him into the bathroom so he could throw up. “Jonathan, water.” He rushed to find a glass. “Here…” Nancy was wiping Billy’s slack lips with a wet rag. He pressed his cheek to the seat and tried to overcome the sensation, moaning. Teeth clenched when another feeling flooded him. Nancy gave his back an awkward pat. “It’s okay.” She took the water from Jonathan and helped him drink. “Check on Steve.”

  “Got it.” Jonathan left again. Billy slipped against the wall, room spinning. Nancy squatted down barely a few feet away, arms crossed over her knees.

  “Don’t have to stay here with me, Wheeler.”

  “I know.” Nancy shrugged. Not the night she imagined. Not the person she imagined comforting. “Don’t mind it if you don’t though.”

  He blinked and didn’t say anything, eyes glazed.

  “So, Hopper’s watching her?” She saw Billy nod. “And you guys had a date tonight.”

  “I think I was decent.” His voice was quiet. Raw.

  “I bet that you were.” Nancy pressed her lips and he flickered his eyes over her face, opening up.

  “Not supposed to see her. Whole tutoring lie is only going to go so far. My dad doesn’t like it. But, I like it.” He slurred, eyes closing. “Another round with the belt when he finds out. Story of my fucking life. Maybe I deserve it, I was a shithead. I still am.” Nancy’s eyes changed.

  “He hits you. I mean…we all had some idea about it. Ah...you don’t deserve it, all right? And you don’t have to go back there, you know.”

  “All that wishful thinking. If I don’t, he’ll want someone else to hit. He’ll hunt me down. I tried to run before. Long time ago. Learned quick. I can't. Dad wins.” Billy numbed. “Didn’t want to care.”

  “You’re different. We all see it. Good different.” Nancy offered. Familiar words touched the world. “My friend changed too. Before and after your family got here. I did also and so did Jonathan and Steve. We all did stupid teenage things.”

  “Some of us did worse than others.”

  "We all hurt people." Nancy admitted, eyes flickering. "My friend died because of me and I can't take that back. I can only do better. Never let it happen to someone else."

  "She died because a monster grabbed her." Billy swallowed bile, chest heaving. "I used to be a monster too. Grabbing people. Squeezing. Laughing about it after."

  “What Camille sees in you now…it makes her happy. What Max sees in you makes her happier as well.” Nancy offered, careful. Billy lulled with an amused scoff to hide the way his tone thickened.

  “My mom didn’t see it. Why won’t my dad see it either?” Billy cringed this time, lips trembling and eyes filling to the brim.

  “It’s…going to be okay. It’s going to get better. I know how that sounds. But, not just for you alone. But, for you and Max. Camille. All of us. Because we have this…amazing group and we’re trying so hard despite everything. Even when we want to stop.”

  “I’m not…I’m not crying over my dad. He’s never…going to love me. Just, fuck him. Fuck him for me and Max and Susan…and…my mom. Fuck him! Fuck. Can’t touch anything. Can’t be touched. Fuck him. I’m crying…because…because, I…”

  “Billy, it’s okay. Just breathe.” Nancy offered him some tissue.

  “I can’t. Can’t stand to. I’m finally awake.” Billy wept, the airy syllables barely connected. “I love her.” He’d squeaked it like a mouse, fists rose to touch his head while he crumbled. Nancy stayed there with him to share the space. Let him weep. When he was calmer, she nodded to affirm that he was perfectly sane through the hurt.

  “I know you do.”

[ramblinganthropologist]

Writober Day 4: Love Triangle

Summary: Avery Hawke’s been hearing whispers about town, something about her boyfriend? Is there a love triangle going on she doesn’t know about? She’s going to get to the bottom of this, or Kirkwall’s going to start seeing a lot more broken noses.

---

“Did you hear?”

“Hear? I saw it the other day!”

Apparently, Kirkwall didn't know the point of whispering was to make sure nobody fucking heard you when you were talking shit about somebody. What a surprise.

It was a shitty day in the city of chains; gray skies, smelled worse than usual, and people were pissing her the fuck off. Ok, so maybe it was just a shitty day because Avery was in a bad mood and she was projecting. All options were possible in Kirkwall, and it was probably a mix as she threaded her way through the streets. Twilight was falling over the city after a long day of bullshit, and soon an uneasy darkness would settle in.

Perfect time for her to go to work.

With her hands in her pockets and dog at her side, Avery probably didn't look very much like somebody who could take Qunari on solo. Mostly she looked like a skinny half elf who had an attitude problem. All of that was of course true, but it was what was on the inside the mattered: her ability to rage like a goddamn dragon.

And some people were starting to earn the privilege of meeting a reaver first hand.

It wasn't like she was totally unused to people talking about her; you build up a reputation of kicking ass and people start listing names. Being a half elf with a large dog in Hightown more often than not earned her some stares. But this? This was different, a recent thing that had just started about a wee prior. People kept looking at her out the corner of their eyes as she passed, whispering behind their hands just loud enough for her sensitive ears to pick up bits and pieces. They knew something she didn't, apparently, and they loved it.

Was she going to have to beat it out of somebody? Because she would. She had a lot of tension to work out from the last couple days.

“This is why I miss Ferelden, people called your shit out to your gods damned face.” Avery grumbled as she patted her mabari on the head. Chewy wasn't really needed for work, but she liked to come along for the ride. If it added to the atmosphere, it was all the better. “Oh well. Wonder if we'll have to kick Gamlen out again tonight. Would you like that girl? Maybe you can bite him in the ass.”

Chewy whined in distaste – Avery didn't blame her, she had no idea when her uncle had last washed his underclothes... or if he was even wearing them. Given where she worked, it didn't seem likely. Pants of multiple kinds were in short supply at one of Kirkwall's most favorite spots.

The Blooming Rose was already hot with activity as she approached. One of the workers was outside, calling out to passersby to entice them in. She stopped at the sight of the half elf and gave a little wave. Since Avery wasn't raised in a barn, she returned it as she stepped inside, heading towards her favorite spot in the brothel.

Now it was time for the Rose's favorite bouncer to get to work.

“Nice to see you, Hawke. You're looking lovely today.” Serendipity was all charm as Avery settled into her usual spot against a dark wall. “Having fun?”

The half elf rolled her eyes, but she smiled. “Loads. Got some lovely tension to work out, so if anyone's giving you problems-”

“I'll let them get acquainted with you.” Her friend chuckled in a knowing way, but then there was a look in the woman's eye. “Everything ok at home, though?”

Something about the way she was looking at her made Avery's stomach drop. Why wouldn't it be? Sure, Leandra gave her fucking migraines but she was a little less annoying now that they had separate parts of the house to hole up in. Other than that and the occasional bandit ass to kick, things were going great.

“Uh... yeah. Why'd you ask?”

Briefly, a look of pity flashed through Serendipity's eyes. “No reason. Just asking. I should get back to work.”

She nodded, and then off she went to do her job. This left Avery standing alone, now more confused than ever. However, she didn't really have much time to dwell on it. As the sun set, more people were coming into the Rose. Some of them needed the fear of the gods put into them, which she was more than happy to provide.

There was just something about breaking noses or tossing people out on their asses that did wonders for her stress level.

She got a chance to breathe after tossing a few Templar recruits out halfway through the night. Avery rotated her neck and shoulders as she exited the main room, heading up the stairs to one of the rooms on the second floor. As she walked, she heard it again – whispers, somewhere from the floor below. Maybe workers, possibly patrons, but she heard her name.

“And Hawke doesn't know?”

“Maybe she does – she launched that last lad.” A sad sigh. “What a pity, he made her so happy. Now bones are really going to get broken.”

Cold ice slipped into Avery's stomach as her hand gripped the banister. She was frozen in place on the stairs, glancing down at the floor below. Her mind had gone blank at that point, like she was nothing but ice.

Shit.

“Hawke, didn't anyone ever tell you not to stand around in high traffic areas? You're small enough that somebody could punt you all the way to the chantry, and then where would you be?”

In church, which was as great a nightmare enough to knock Avery out of her reverie. She looked up and saw Jethann standing there, hand on one hip. He had been waiting for her for their usual mid-night chat in his room. No doubt when she hadn't shown up, he'd come looking for her. He was a good guy like that.

She shook her head, stiff shoulders popping as she did – oww. “Sorry, guess I spaced out there.”

“No, really, couldn't tell.” The elven man shot a look to the floor below as they both climbed the rest of the way up. His room was quiet, empty. His last client had left about twenty minutes prior judging from the state of the place. While he took the bed, she sank into a chair nearby.

Shit.

Jethann had been smiling, but he stopped when he saw her face. “What's on your mind, Hawke?”

She looked up, blinking. “Oh, uh... listen, this is going to sound weird, but have you heard people saying anything about me?”

The man laughed, a rich sound that usually drew clients in. His actual laugh was more like a chicken – she liked that one more. “Besides the fact you're a terrifying monster born of the Archdemon itself? At least that's what I heard one call you.”

Avery shook her head, frowning. “No... I heard someone downstairs talking about me not knowing about something. Something about someone who makes me happy?”

There weren't a lot of people who could do that – it was a highly selective list. Add in the whispers and stares, and that narrowed things down further. She was getting into an uncomfortable area, one she didn't like to be in. If anyone knew something, it would be him.

And he did. She watched as he shifted on the bed, a spring creaking as he moved. He wouldn't meet her eyes when she looked at him. Jethann may have been good at controlling his expressions, but Avery could read him like a book.

“We're friends, Jeth. Tell me.”

Jethann nodded, though he had a tinge of worry across his face briefly. “Well... someone saw that lover boy of yours... with your brother. They looked pretty cozy if you ask me.”

He held up his hands. “Hate to admit it, but a love triangle gets people talking. Just don't go murdering anyone over it, Kirkwall's bloody enough.”

…

Avery blinked. “Someone saw Fenris with Moses?”

“In Lowtown about a week ago. Guess you and the healer are going to have some lovely conversations over drinks about this.”

Realization flashed through her body like lightning. She leaned over, shoulders shaking with pent up emotions. As she did, Jethann lurched forward in an uncharacteristic panic that could have only come from concern.

He didn't need to, though. She started to laugh her godsdamned ass off a second later.

Jethann's ears twitched as she doubled over. “You're... taking this well.”

Avery gasped for breath as she wiped a stray tear from her eye. “Maker's ass, and here I thought it was something serious!”

Relief washed over her in waves as she sat up. The tension in her shoulders was gone now. Hell, she didn't even mind the smell of Kirkwall as much. Add in the moonlight streaming through the open window, and it was a pretty nice night.

Man, she was fucking stupid.

A smile stretched across her face once Avery could talk again. “Jeth, it's not a love trial. Moses and Fenris are also seeing each other.”

She then added, “And for that matter, I'm also seeing Anders. So yes, we'll have plenty to talk about in bed later once I see him again.”

The elf in front of her let out a massive sigh of relief at the news. “Thank the Maker, people were worried you were going to go berserk when you found out. There were bets and everything about who was going to get it first.”

Damn, she could've gotten in on that and really raked it in! So much for knowing what went on in the damn town...

Still, Jethann's face turned into an eager smirk as he leaned in. “So, you're seeing two men at the same time then? Someone's a busy woman.”

“Not quite the same time. Fenris and Anders in one bed would just be a nightmare.” Avery laughed as she leaned back in her seat. “But I definitely keep myself busy at night.”

Her friend laughed as well, eyes glittering at the thought. “So~ who's better in bed? The healer's got reach, but Fenris... ooh, he seems like he has some real flexibility.”

Oh, it was going to be one of those nights. Still, Avery couldn't mind much as she settled in for the remainder of her break. When she went home in the morning, she would have to tell Moses about their supposed love triangle. If Jethann kept his mouth shut, maybe they would still be able to get in on the betting pool.

Hey, if people were dumb enough to bet, she had a gods given right to clean up from their stupidity. It was practically in the Chant of Light.

[beinglibertarian]

Onward, Collectivist Soldiers

As I contemplate where I fit in my current relation to the State and its politically-correct and uptight sycophants, I realize not much has changed since Catholic school. If I benefited at all from the tutelage of nuns, it’s in being able to identify when I’m being indoctrinated or hoodwinked.

The first few years of my scholastic career were spent at a Catholic school in New Jersey. It was there that I, along with other kids with last names like O’Dowd, Vigliotti, Rispoli, and Gomez, were first introduced to the doctrine of original sin.

Sister Nazarene told us a sin was whenever a person did something wrong. God would not like it if we sinned, and if we sinned, he would damn well know all about it. You couldn’t hide from God. Apparently, a really long time ago this guy Adam and this broad Eve did something so bad that we, the first grade class of St. Francis Albert of Hoboken School, were guilty of it too.

As unreasonable as this seemed at the time, we were taught to understand that God was really pissed off. And touchy. 

You see, before the beginning of time, God spent a whole summer making this place called the Garden of Eden for Adam and Eve. Eden was this groovy resort where people could just relax forever and ever, just as long as they behaved. By and by, good ol’ human imperfection had its way, and Adam and Eve goofed up. God was so hurt and insulted that he decided from that moment on that every Vigliotti, O’Dowd and Ferrara, as well as the Changs, Goldbergs and Patels, would be culpable for what those two Biblical miscreants did. Forever and fucking anon. He was God, after all. 

Do you know what the transgression was? What Adam and Eve did that was so damned bad? They ate an apple. Not just any apple, but a super apple that had magic powers. Some wiseguy who looked like a snake called Satan told them to do it. He beguiled them. Sister Nazarene said that to beguile someone was like tricking them. As I recall, many us felt at that moment that we were being beguiled too. But God help ya if you asked any questions, or wanted clarification. You’d get a smack on the knuckles with a ruler faster than you can say Galileo Galilei. 

Anyway, after they ate it — the apple, that is — Adam and Eve became smart. Turns out, God didn’t like smart people. Folks like that might want to find a meaning for things. They might find joy and fulfillment in intellectual pursuits, or in the labor of their discoveries. They might want to build stuff, make tools and what not, and shape the world according to their needs, according to their vision.  

“Bullshit,” said God. “That’s my department. Who in the Hell do you bipedal monkeys think you are, muscling in on my action? From now on, your lives will be hard and mean and your kids will have it hard too. Now get out of here and don’t come back!”

This was called the expulsion from paradise. God did not like competition. When we would grow up, we would find out that most people don’t like competition either.

As we matriculated — that is to say once we got to the second, and then third grade — some of us Catholic kids started to think that all this original sin jazz was nothing but a bunch of malarkey. We looked for a Garden of Eden on the globe in our classroom and found none. We read up on snakes. They can’t talk, let alone beguile. Apples, while having some nutritional value, can’t make you any smarter than a rap on the head with a ball peen hammer. 

Then, somewhere along the way, we were taught that this other guy, Jesus, died for all of our sins, lock, stock and fucking barrel. 

“What gives?” we wondered. “How can there be original sin and Jesus too?” 

We had a lot of trouble wrangling with this paradox. Mrs. Alverone, our third grade teacher, said a paradox was when something didn’t really make sense. And how!

Eventually, due to either boredom or mental exhaustion, all of us kids gave up our pursuit for the truth in favor of more lofty pastimes like dodge ball, smear the queer, and pouring salt on slugs. Halcyon days! 

Still, it bothered me: being guilty of, and then having to atone for, things I didn’t do, couldn’t do, wouldn’t do, and had nothing to do with. A few months later I broached the subject again with my pals.  

“Maybe original sin is just a way to remind us all that people are imperfect beings,” Crazy Dominick said while burning some ants with a magnifying glass.  

“Well, shit,” I said. “You don’t need Biblical scripture to teach you that. Just look at how Fat Arnie swings a whiffle ball bat: just like a girl. And what about Jackie Smith dropping that pass in the end zone during the Super Bowl? And just look at how corny M*A*S*H has gotten since Alan Alda took over.”

Indeed it was a world fraught with imperfection. All we kids could do was observe, contemplate, and avoid the wrath of the nuns by never getting caught doing anything fun.

More and more it began to dawn on me that teaching us that we were all born guilty was just another way for the church to keep folks in line. 

Think about it: if you’re constantly apologizing, you’ll never have time to do much of anything else, especially disobey, think critically, or pursue your life’s ambitions. I guess I was a late bloomer, but by the time I was ten years old I came to the grim realization that people like holding dominion over one another, especially with vague concepts, opaque language, and moral absurdities. And if those methods won’t work, brute force and violence will do the trick just fine. “Miracle, Mystery and Authority,” as Dostoyevsky once put it. 

It goes without saying that aside from those obligatory funerals and weddings that pop up from time to time, I haven’t willingly stepped into a church since Jimmy Carter cured cancer. The way I saw it, you should stay away from people who want you to feel bad. Little did I know, assholes abound.

Now listen: if you think that living in a world that has begun to cast aside archaic concepts from the early Mesozoic era will free you and me from the efforts of dimwits to encroach on your sovereignty through didactic chicanery, think again, tough guy. Plunderers of the spirit will always seek new and improved ways to turn their contempt for joy into a moral crusade. Why? Because people like fucking with other people, and the best way to fuck with someone is to defame them from up on high in the lofty strata reserved for those with a knack for judgment and a lack of self-awareness.

Nowadays, when I observe the world and the myriad discussions, arguments, diatribes, and commentaries that our fancy-pants, interconnected culture is heir to, I see new versions of the old skullduggery popping up all the time. And so do you.

Aren’t terms like “privilege”, “cis-gendered”, “patriarchy”, “carbon footprint”, “intolerance”, “unfairly disadvantaged”, “triggering” and the like, bandied about by people claiming a moral authority steeped in victimhood, just as sanctimonious and illegitimate as that of the church and its so-called divine morality? I’m not saying that all of those terms are inherently bad in and of themselves; a just and fair world is a thing to aspire to, just like a world free of sin and talking snakes is. If annoying, PC bromides help the cause, so be it. They won’t, but hey, don’t progressives need something to do too? 

Where the trouble starts is when an elite class of people, the heads of civic organizations, the clergy, media dolts, or politicians throw condemnatory terms about in an arbitrary and self-serving manner to stifle anyone who disagrees with or challenges them, all in the name of righteousness.  They think that by forcing dissenters into a posture of constant apology and atonement for intangible transgressions they can either alienate or eliminate them without the trouble of firing squads, cattle cars, inquisitions and re-education camps. Meet the new douchebags, same as the old douchebags. They’re just less blood-thirsty and well, kinda, wimpy.

In the world of the collectivist headcase, the collective is the Garden of Eden, and being met with the collective’s disapproval for things he may or may not have done, or advantages that he may or may not have, is akin to the expulsion from Paradise. But who told them we wanted to be part of their world anyway? 

It wasn’t okay when the church thrust upon us their ecclesiastic version of a full nelson and it’s equally offensive when modern-day demagogues do the same with their new-fangled concepts of original sin. But I don’t blame stupid people for using shortcuts to thinking; that’s what dummies do. And I don’t blame connivers for selling snake oil. What pisses me off is when people who know better allow themselves to be pushed around by these turds and their lexicon of defeatism. 

The bottom line: don’t let anybody make you feel guilty for your own life. Especially if the shame being thrust upon you is the last ditch tactic of an inferior mind that wishes to hold sway over you because their own existence is so damn uncompelling to them. That there is some bullshit.   

As writing this article has now become a tedious affair, and in order to avoid being redundant, I have provided below a post-modern to Biblical translator. Those of you with even a modicum of parochial education will find it helpful… but if your parents were jerk-offs and you went to a Montessori school, then not so much. As it is incomplete, feel free to add your own variables and expressions. I hope this helps out. Extrapolate and deduce as you will, big shots.

Privilege = Original Sin

Reduce your carbon footprint = The Ten Commandments

Cis-gendered = Lust

Patriarchy = Sloth

Intolerance = Pride

Non-Vegan = Gluttony

Trigger = Wrath

Global Warming = The Flood

Climate Change = The Rapture

Bruce Jenner = Jesus

Oprah = God

Michael Moore = John the Baptist

Jordon Peterson = Satan

Individualist/Libertarian = Heretic 

Bill Maher = Doubting Thomas

Ron Paul = Nebuchadnezzar

California = The Promised Land

Corey Booker = Moses

Taxes = Acts of Contrition 

This article represents the views of the author, and not those of Being Libertarian LLC.

The post Onward, Collectivist Soldiers appeared first on Being Libertarian.

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[thelastspeecher]

Angiewolf AU - It Hits the Fan

Day 01   Day 02   Day 03   Day 04   Day 05   Day 06   Day 07   Day 08 Day 09   Day 10   Day 11   Day 12   Day 13   Day 14   Day 15   Day 16 Day 17   Day 18   Day 19   Day 20   Day 21   Day 22   Day 23   Day 24 Day 25   Day 26   Day 27   Day 28   Day 29   Day 30

Today, I decided to write a new ficlet for my NaNoWriMo write, instead of using a prompt like I’ve been doing.  I got randomly inspired to write the pivotal NWHS-equivalent scene for the Angiewolf AU.  So that’s what I did.  And honestly, this was a long time coming.

Word count: 1980

              Stan took the rubbing alcohol from the first aid kit and began to swab it over Dipper’s cuts.

              “What exactly happened out there?” he asked.  Molly and Emily, standing nearby, exchanged a look.  They knew what had happened: a rogue werewolf had crossed into the pack’s territory and gone after the first vulnerable relatives it could find.  But what Dipper and Mabel had seen…that was another story.

              “Well,” Mabel started, “first, there was this huge gray wolf that showed up. It looked sick and hungry, with, like fur falling out and everything.  I was a bit sad about that, but then it attacked me and Dipper.”

              “You two didn’t get bitten, did you?” Emily asked.  Dipper and Mabel shook their heads.

              “Before we could even get a scratch from that wolf, another one showed up,” Dipper said.  “It tackled the first wolf, and they got into a fight.”

              “That one wasn’t gray,” Mabel said.  “It looked more like…ooh!  Like a kinda old golden retriever.”  Molly snorted quietly.  “And almost right after the yellow wolf showed up, two more came, and they picked us up and dropped us off in front of the door.  Then they ran away.  So today’s been a four wolf day.”  Mabel winked. “Not too shabby.”

              “You didn’t get bitten,” Stan insisted.  Dipper and Mabel shook their heads again.

              “We got a bit dinged up when we were being carried to the front door by the third and fourth wolves,” Dipper said.  “But it wasn’t from being bitten.”  Stan nodded, relieved.

              “Good.”  Someone walked through the front door.  By the floral scent that accompanied the person, Stan knew it was Angie.  “Ang, how was your walk?” Stan asked without looking up. Mabel let out a small gasp.  Stan turned around.  “Holy-”

              “Mom, are you okay?” Molly asked.  Angie waved a hand airily.  She was covered in large scratches, some actively bleeding.  Her skin had started to turn purple from bruises in multiple locations.

              “I’m fine,” Angie said.  She took a twig out of her hair, grimacing slightly.  “I’m a fairly resilient person.”

              “Did you get mugged or something?” Mabel asked.

              “No, sweetie.  Just had a nasty fall while I was on my walk.”

              “Shouldn’t you go to the hospital?” Dipper said.

              “Yeah, when old people fall, it can be really bad,” Mabel added.  Angie raised an eyebrow.

              “I ain’t quite that old yet.  And like I said, I’m fine.  I just need to take a nap, and I’ll be back to normal in no time.”  Angie took a seat at the kitchen table.  “The two of you look like ya fell in a thornbush.  What happened?”

              “There was this huge wolf that attacked us,” Mabel said.  “But then we got rescued by another wolf.  And then two more wolves grabbed us and brought us to the house.”

              “Sounds like quite the experience,” Angie said with a small smile. “I take it ya got scratched up from the wolves carryin’ ya?”

              “Yeah.  But it’s not that bad.  Just a few bumps.”

              “Ya didn’t get bitten, did ya?” Angie pried.  Mabel and Dipper shared a look.

              “No, we didn’t,” Dipper said.  “Why are you guys so worried about whether we got bitten?”  His eyes widened.  “Those weren’t normal wolves, were they?”

              “Whattaya mean, not normal wolves?” Emily jumped in.

              “Werewolves!” Mabel gasped.  “Those were werewolves!  Right?”

              “They were way bigger than normal wolves,” Dipper said.  “And they acted smarter than normal wolves.”

              “Geez, kid,” Stan sighed.  He struggled to keep his composure.  “Werewolves aren’t real.  Relax. Wolves are just bigger than you expect them to be.  Got it?”

              “But being nervous about us getting bitten-” Dipper started.

              “Hon, you can catch all sorts of nasty germs from wild animal bites,” Angie interrupted.  “That’s why we’re worried.”

              “…Oh.”  Dipper rubbed the back of his neck.  His hand came away bloody.

              “Dipper!” Mabel gasped.  Dipper stared at his hand.  “Did you actually get bitten?”

              “I don’t think so,” Dipper said.  Emily peered at the back of Dipper’s neck.  She paled.

              “No, Dipper, you did.  It’s- it’s not a big bite, but it did draw some blood,” Emily said.  Stan looked at Angie.  He could hear her heartrate skyrocketing.  She managed to keep her cool, though.

              “Okay, well, let’s just clean it up fer now,” Angie said calmly.  “Stan, can I talk to ya?”

              “Yep.”  Stan handed the rubbing alcohol to Molly and followed Angie out of the kitchen.  Angie leaned against the wall in the hallway. She let out a small hiss of pain. “Babe, how beat up did you get fighting off that stranger?” Stan whispered.

              “Bit more ‘n I expected,” Angie said quietly.  “He was a toughie.”  She shook her head.  “That’s not what’s important.  Dipper got bitten.”

              “Yeah.  He did.” Stan dragged his hands down his face. “Holy Moses, what are we gonna do?”

              “Only thing we can.”  Angie took a breath.  “Explain everything to Dipper and Mabel, help Dipper through the initial transformation, and then work on the cure so that we don’t send him home a werewolf.”

              “Yeah.”  Stan chewed on his lip.  “Will he transform tonight?  It’s a full moon.”

              “Uh, no.  The ‘virus’ or whatever has to have time to spread through the body,” Angie said.  “He won’t have his first shift until next month.”

              “Good.  We can hold off on telling him about the whole werewolf thing, then,” Stan said. Angie frowned at him.

              “Stanley.”

              “Ford’s gonna come back tonight,” Stan said.  “I can’t handle him coming back and Dipper finding out.”  Angie sighed. “Angie, please.”

              “Fine,” Angie muttered.  “Only because ya asked nicely.  And…I agree. We should take things one at a time.” She smiled hesitantly at Stan.  “It’ll be nice to have Ford around again.  I won’t be there when he comes back; I’m gonna take the night to recuperate.”  Stan nodded. “I’ll ask Soos to take Dipper and Mabel fer the night.  And tomorrow morning, first thing…”  Angie met Stan’s eyes.  “We tell the kids the truth.”

----- 

              Stan paced anxiously in front of the portal.

              This isn’t how it was supposed to go. The moon rose while I was waiting for the portal to turn on.  I can’t be a wolf right now!  Emily, who was curled up in a corner, looked up at him.  Molly had opted to stay home with Angie, but Emily wanted to come and meet Ford for the first time.    

              “Dad?” Emily barked.  Stan stopped pacing.  

              “Yeah?”

              “Why are ya so nervous?”

              “I haven’t seen your uncle in a while, squirt. It’s- it’s gonna be a big moment.”

              “Makes sense.”  Emily rested her head between her paws.  “I’m excited to meet him.” She froze.  “What’s that?”

              “What’s what?” Stan asked. Emily looked in the direction of the door.

              “Someone’s comin’.”

              “Damn old age,” Stan muttered.  “I’m losin’ my edge.”  He sniffed the air.  “Son of a- Emily, block the elevator!”

              “On it!”  Emily bounded for the small room that led into the main area with the portal, but before she could reach it, the elevator door opened, revealing Dipper, Mabel, and Soos.  Emily whined and stumbled back.  “Shoot!”

              “This is going from bad to worse,” Stan growled.  Soos’ eyes widened at the sight of Emily and Stan.  Soos was one of the few people outside the family who knew they were werewolves, and one of the fewer who regularly interacted with them in wolf form.

              “It’s- it’s wolves,” Dipper stammered, pointing at Emily and Stan.  “That- that one, that’s- that’s one of the ones from earlier.”

              “The one that carried me,” Mabel said, looking directly at Emily.  “You protected me!”  Emily sat down, a prideful air about her.

              “Why are the wolves here?” Dipper demanded.  He flipped through Ford’s journal.  “There’s- there’s nothing about wolves in here, just the machine!  Why- why would they-”  Dipper closed the journal.  “No. Focus.  We need to turn off the machine before the world gets destroyed.” Dipper took a step into the area with the portal.  Stan growled loudly.  Emily looked at him, surprised.

              I don’t wanna scare the kid.  God knows he’s gonna need a lot of support once he finds out he did get bitten by a werewolf.  But I can’t let him screw up everything I’ve worked for.  Soos put a hand on Dipper’s shoulder.

              “Maybe- maybe we shouldn’t mess with the wolves,” Soos suggested.  “They seem pretty scary to me.”

              “Why are they guarding this machine, though?” Dipper insisted.  He took another step forward.  Stan bared his teeth, his growl increasing in volume.

              Back off, Dipper.  You don’t understand what’s happening.  Emily let out a small bark of warning.  Stan looked over.  She nodded at the countdown clock.  Stan’s heart stopped.  It was almost time.

              3…2…1.

              Everything went white and silent.

              Stan felt himself rise up from the ground, only to slam back against it forcefully.  He got to his feet wearily.  

              Everything hurts.  The sound of a gun cocking broke the quiet.  Stan froze.  He could feel cold steel pressed against his forehead.

              “Who- who is that?” Dipper asked in astonishment.  Stan looked at the person holding a gun to his head, dreading who he would see.

              Of course.

              “Ford,” Stan started.  Ford scowled more deeply.

              “Don’t bother trying to threaten me, wolf.  I’ve taken down monsters twice your size.”

              What?  Stan’s blood ran cold.  Oh, fuck.  I didn’t get turned until after Ford went through the portal. He doesn’t know I’m a werewolf. Still in a corner, but now standing in a defensive posture, Emily began to growl.  Ford looked over at the noise.

              “Angie?” Ford said quietly.  “Did I- did I come back on a full moon?”

              “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Mabel said, holding up her hands.  “That wolf is Grauntie Angie?”  Ford stared at Mabel, just noticing her.

              “I- what?”

              “How do you know Grauntie Angie?” Mabel demanded.  Ford blinked.

              “I don’t- who- who are you?” Ford stammered.

              This is getting painful.  But I can’t speak English right now.  I can’t explain anything.  Everyone’s gonna be confused until I can turn human again. Unless…  Stan met Soos’ eyes.  Soos nodded silently.  He stepped forward.

              “Actually, uh, Mr. Stranger, that’s not Angie.  That’s Emily.  Angie’s daughter,” Soos said.  Dipper and Mabel stared at Soos in shock.  Ford frowned.

              “Who are you?  Some kind of strange, hairless gopher?”

              “Heh, I get that a lot.  But nope. Normal human.  I work for Mr. Pines, so I know his kids and his wife and stuff.”  Soos rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.  “And you’re kinda shoving a gun in Mr. Pines’ face right now, just so you know.”

              “I’m-”  Ford stared at Stan.  He gaped. “Stanley?”  Stan grumbled softly.  “Oh.  I didn’t- I-” Ford’s face hardened.  “No, I’ll leave my gun there.”

              “Real mature, Sixer,” Stan growled.

              “Wait, wait,” Mabel said, interrupting again.  She looked at Stan.  “That’s- that’s Grunkle Stan?  And Emily? How?”

              “They’re werewolves,” Ford said flatly.  He frowned at Stan again.  “Werewolves who should have thought better than to let children in here.”

              “Werewolves?” Dipper whispered.  Stan groaned.

              Great.  There goes the plan to break the news to him over breakfast.

              “What the heck is going on?” Mabel shouted.

              “That’s a question I’d like an answer to as well,” Ford said.

              “I can’t really answer any of your questions right now, jackass,” Stan barked.  Ford put away his gun, still scowling.

              “We’ll need a translator.  Do any of you know where Fiddleford McGucket is?”

              “Right upstairs,” Dipper said.  “This is his house.”

              “No, it’s not.  The deed is in my name, not his.  Not that I have anything against Fiddleford living here, but-”  Ford cut himself off.  “That’s not relevant.  He’s upstairs, we’ll head upstairs.”  Ford began to walk toward the exit.  Dipper stood in his path.

              “Before we let you upstairs, tell us.  Who are you?” Dipper asked.  Ford straightened his back.

              “My name is Stanford Pines.  I’m Stan’s twin brother.”

[skepticraven]

15 Reasons Not To Be a Christian

It's sad that this has to be said but it does because unfortunately, too many people take disagreement as hostility. At least if its an atheist who is doing the disagreement. I do not hate Christians. I don’t think they are all bad people. I harbor no ill will towards them. I just happen to think they are wrong. I get asked why I’m not a Christian a lot so I thought I’d answer the question. I could probably write a small novel on this but this seems like a good start for now. 

1) The concept of Christianity is entirely based on the Bible. We have no original manuscript for it so you have no idea what it said originally. The oldest version we have of the Bible isn’t even in the language that would have been spoken in that part of the middle east and in that time period. 

2) The Bible was supposedly written by a lot of carpenters, shepherds, farmers, fishermen, and similar types of professions. Such people would have been totally illiterate during that time period.

3) Based on the date that the original Bible was supposedly written, the Book spent over a 1000 years being copied, translated, and intentionally altered by hand until the printing press came about in the mid-1400's. You couldn't copy it once without making some error accidentally and it was handled entirely by powerful men with plenty of reason to alter it for personal gain. Churchgoers were often illiterate until the past couple hundred years and mass was given in Latin on top of it back then. So most people would be none the wiser if something had been altered. In fact, we know for sure the Bible has been intentionally altered numerous times. There are literally hundreds of versions of the Bible just in English and thousands of sects of Christianity. 50+ Books were either left out of the Bible or later excluded (some were excluded by Martin Luther and some by Pope Clement VIII). If Christians can’t even get their story straight, why in the hell should I believe it? 

4) The Bible plagiarized stories from numerous pre-existing religions: both monotheistic and polytheistic. For example, the Persian scriptures of the Zoroastrians tell the story of how their god created the world and the first 2 humans in 6 days and then rested on the 7th. The names of these two human beings. Sound familiar? The Zoroastrians also invented the concept of heaven and hell and their art portrays the prophet Zarathustra as being surrounded by the same halo of light in which Christian figures are often depicted. Zarathustra even looks like Jesus before they white-washed Jesus. Chapter 125 of the Egyptian Book of the Dead is the same as the 10 commandments only written in negative confession. The story of the great flood was stolen from The Epic of Gilgamesh- right down to using birds to find dry land and the fact that the boat landed on a mountain.

5) I find it morally contemptible that the Biblically conceived God supposedly gives you enough free will to hang yourself with so that is not really free at all. Love him or burn forever? They'd call that abuse if he were human. And if Christianity is so true, why must they drill it into the heads of children before they have the capacity for critical thought? Its easier to get people to accept extraordinary claims as children. That's just brainwashing 101.

6) I find it morally contemptible that the Biblically conceived God supposedly committed an act of genocide against all firstborn Egyptian sons because he was mad at one guy (the Pharaoh). The whole point of the Pharaoh is that he alone controlled Egypt and why could this God character have not just unilaterally eliminated him with a bolt of lightning? Instead, Christians believe he murdered a bunch of random people and children who had nothing to do with the decision to keep or free the Jews. But then again, Christians also believe this God murdered the entire fucking world in a flood because our "free" will became a pain in the ass. Not just people but also animals. I guess those giraffes were really acting up!

7) The Bible has dozens of current versions and resulted in hundreds of sects of Christianity with wildly varying beliefs. So if they can't agree on what it says, why should anyone else believe it?

8) Most Christians believe in the Christian god because they were born in a country where Christianity is the dominant religion. Most people in India are Hindu because they were born into it too. And the same with Muslims in Iraq. And so on and so forth. If there was any divine truth to Christianity over any other faith, why don’t we see more conversion? Why aren’t non-Christians flocking in? Because it sounds absurd to anyone who hasn’t had this stuff drilled into their heads for their entire life.

9)If you read the Bible, there is actually some pretty sick shit in it besides just the aforementioned genocide. The whole idea of the Bible is that it is supposed to be the divinely inspired word of god. I don’t know why God couldn’t just write his own book but supposedly he told his prophets what he wanted to be written. So if that is true, God is not an entity deserving of my praise or respect. Here are examples of this contemptible god character condoning sexual slavery:   In Numbers 31:17-18, Moses commands his people to kill the men, the children, and any women who aren't virgins. Then tells his people that they may KEEP any woman or girl who is a virgin for themselves. Then in, (Deuteronomy 21:10-14) Moses spells out a ritual to purify a captive virgin before sex. Then in (Leviticus 19:20-22), The Bible tells you that if you bang a slave while engaged to another woman, that you must beat the slave girl and sacrifice a sheep.

10) Either the Bible is bullshit or god sanctions sexism repeatedly. For example: 1 Timothy 2:12, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, she must be silent." 1 Corinthians 14:34-35: “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.” Colossians 3:18: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord." Deuteronomy 22:20-21 "If however the charge is true and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death…” Leviticus 15:19-30 I’m paraphrasing here but it basically says, menstruating women are unclean. Anyone or anything that touches she is unclean.

11) This God character in the Bible also sanctions physical slavery many, many times, not just sexual slavery. Here are a few examples: Ephesians 6:5, "Slaves obey your earthly masters with deep fear and respect." Colossians 3:22: "Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything you do. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. Serve them sincerely because of your reverent fear of the Lord."

12) Either the Bible is bullshit or the God character in the Bible sanctions murder many, many times.:   (Numbers 16:41-49) In this verse, the Israelites complain that God is killing too many of them. So, God sends a plague that kills 14,000 more of them. (Deuteronomy 17:12) says to kill people who don't listen to priests (Exodus 22:17) Kill witches. (Leviticus 20:13)Kill gays. (Leviticus 20:27) Kill Fortunetellers. (Exodus 21:15) Kill someone who hit a parent. (Proverbs 20:20) and (Leviticus 20:9) Kill people for cursing their parents. (Leviticus 20:10) Kill adulterers (Leviticus 21:9) Kill a priest’s daughter who has sex. (Exodus 22:19) & (Numbers 25:1-9) Kill people of other religions. (2 Chronicles 15:12-13) Kill Nonbelievers (Deuteronomy 13:13-19) Kill the Entire Town if One Person Worships Another God (Deuteronomy 22:20-21) Kill Women Who Are Not Virgins On Their Wedding Night (Leviticus 24:10-16) Kill Blasphemers (Exodus 31:12-15) Kill people who work on the Sabbath (Isaiah 14:21) & (Leviticus 26:21-22) Kill the children of Sinners That’s not even a complete list and it leaves essentially no one alive.

13) God is supposed to be this big divine being who created an entire universe full of billions upon billions of planets and stars. And yet the Bible claims he cares an awful lot about incredibly petty, stupid human things. Here are a few of his downright stupid rules. Don't get a tattoo or a piercing. (Leviticus 19:28) Don't eat Shellfish. (Leviticus 11:10) Don't cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. (Leviticus 19:27) Don't get divorced. (Luke 16:18) Don't wear cloth of blended fabrics. (Leviticus 19:19) Don't eat pork. (Leviticus 11:8) Don't work on Sundays. (31:14-15) Don't have pre-marital sex. (Deuteronomy 22: 20-21) 

14) The Bible contradicts itself all over the place. If the Bible doesn't have any consistency, why would anyone believe it? Again, there are way more examples than I can list here. STATEMENT 1: Genesis 1:26-27 Adam and Eve were created at the same time. CONTRADICTION 1: Genesis 2:7 and 2:21-22 Adam was created first, woman sometime later. STATEMENT 2: Genesis 1:24-27 Animals were created before Adam. CONTRADICTION 2: Genesis 2:7 and 2:19 Animals were created after Adam. STATEMENT 3: Genesis 1:31 God was pleased with his creation. CONTRADICTION 3: Genesis 6:5-6 God was not pleased with his creation. STATEMENT 4: Exodus 20:13 "Thou shalt not kill." CONTRADICTION 4: Look back at #12. I listed a bunch of people the Bible says to kill STATEMENT 5: Genesis 6:19 "And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark." CONTRADICTION 5: Genesis 7:2 "Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens: and of beasts that are not clean by two.

15) There is simply is no evidence for any god, much less the Christian god.  In fact, there is some scientific evidence that debunks biblical stories. Here are a few examples. Darwinian evolution debunks the idea that animals or people were created as they are today. We have archeological evidence of human beings existing long before humans were supposedly created according to the Bible. There is no geologic evidence of a worldwide flood. And even in theory, how did kangaroos get to this ark from Australia? Fly? Millions of species couldn’t have gotten to the ark if they tried. There are an estimated 6.5 million land animal species. That's just land animals. If all this flood water was salt water, it would have killed all the freshwater animals (or vice versa) so Noah would have had to include either all saltwater or all freshwater animals as well. And some species need shallow water to survive so that becomes a problem with a flood that reached the tops of mountains. There is no fucking way all those animals fit on any boat, much less one with the dimensions described in the Bible. Besides, there just is not enough water around to account for the water levels rising above the highest mountaintop. Then Noah supposedly lived to be 950? lol. Come on. People had significantly shorter lifespans in ancient times than they do today for obvious reasons. Only 0.0173% of Americans live to be 100 with the benefits of modern medicine and sanitation. 

Conclusion: I reject Christianity because it does not make sense to me. It's not a phase. It's not teenage rebellion that has stretched into adulthood. It’s definitely not devil worship since I don’t believe in him either. This is just the conclusion I came to after careful contemplation. Nothing more. Nothing less. Hopefully, this was food for thought for someone. As always, I appreciate feedback and thanks for reading!

[shepherd-of-the-stars]

That’s Above my Paygrade

Hey @iridulcentdays ! I was your backup Santa for the @rusame-secret-santa-2017. Your original Santa never replied to the message which resulted in a default drop-out so uh yeah,,,

A/N: Still have the same shitty keyboard so a few of my keys are sticky (mostly r, t, and g, and now it’s also e and f) so hopefully I don’t make too many typos!

Word count: 5,171

Summary: Magical Strike AU. Alfred F Jones is the biggest troublemaker in the city and constantly picks fights with the wrong people for the thrill of it. Because of this, he has made a number of enemies, enough that he’s gotten death threats and a couple of close encounters. So his father hired him a bodyguard.

Warnings: blood, implied sexual content

Rating: T+ ???

Also available on FFnet and ao3

Alfred listened halfheartedly to his father’s lecturing coming from the speaker on his phone as he slouched in the seat of the car. He’s heard these words a hundred thousand times over and over but Samuel Jones seemed to have forgotten. Or maybe he was trying to drill it through Alfred’s thick skull.

“-but that is enough, do you hear me? Your secretary is sick and tired of cleaning up your messes and trying to answer to the press for you! No more! I hired a bodyguard for you. He should be waiting for you when you get back and I want you to treat him with respect. If I hear any complaints from him, I am cutting off your bank account. Sleep on the streets for all I care!” Jones senior finally took a second to breathe.

“Aw, dad, you hired me a bodyguard to keep me safe? How sweet.” Alfred replied in mock appreciation. It was the only thing he had managed to say besides grunts of confirmation and ‘yes’ or ‘no’ responses.

“You idiot. Open up those clogged ears of yours and listen carefully. That bodyguard is not there for your safety and neither was he hired to be your human shield. I hired him as an adult babysitter, you hear me? So until you learn to grow up, he will be living with you, spending the days with you, and reporting your activity to me. Do not mess this up, boy.”

Alfred didn’t even get the chance to open his mouth before the tone sounded to indicate that the call had been disconnected. Though it wasn’t like this was something new. His father always had the last word.

He tweeted a quick ‘Just got a bodyguard. How do you like me now?’ before scrolling mindlessly through his feed. Several flirtatious texts and many app switches later, they arrived to his condo where his chauffeur opened the door for him. Not a second later, reporters were sticking recorders and cameras at his face and bombarding him with questions.

“Mr. Jones! What do you have to say about your scandal with Francesca Vargas?”

“Alfred! Did you know Lovino Vargas is openly threatening you because of your relations with his daughter?”

“Mr. Jones! Rumor has it you have connections with the mafia! Is that true?”

“Alf-”

“Make room!” Like Moses reincarnate, a tall and handsome man parted the crowd and gestured for Alfred to get out of the car. His chauffeur was doing very little to keep the reporters at bay but it was enough for him to push through the hoard of flashing lights and chaos of questions. All the while, a pair of protective arms made sure none of them got too close and none of them could lay a hand on him. Once they got to the front doors, the building security handled the rest and blocked them from entering the building. And once in the elevator, Alfred finally felt like he could breathe.

“Alfred Frederick Jones, correct?” the man who had helped him asked in a thick accent. His hands were held at his sides like a stiff.

“Depends on who’s asking.” He quickly checked the man out before putting his key into the slot for his floor and turning it. The doors slid shut as the man straightened out his suit.

“Ivan braginsky. Your new bodyguard. Your father, I presume, told me to look for ‘a rebellious idiot wearing a fur coat in the middle of spring with a streak of disgusting pink hair and a black star pasted on his cheek.’ His words. Not mine.” But the edges of Ivan’s lips drew up in a little smirk that showed that even though he was not the one to come up with the words, he still found it humorous how accurate they had turned out to be.

“Asshole.” Alfred muttered under his breath as he stepped out of the elevator once it stopped on his floor. The place was an absolute pigsty with clothes, food waste, and a general mess everywhere. The boy slipped his coat off and threw it onto the couch to add to the mess and chucked his knee-high boots to the pile as well. “Sorry for the mess. My maid quit like a week ago.”

A week? Ivan looked around the penthouse in horror. Even though it had a modern and sleek look, Alfred’s garbage made it look like a trailer park woman’s hoarding room. “You made this whole mess… in a week…?”

“Impressive, huh? Follow me. You can stay in the guest bedroom.” Alfred walked ahead of the stunned Russian to a room down the hall. The bedroom was simple with a bed, dressers, and a personal bathroom but it still needed some cleaning.

“My dad didn’t tell me he was going to hire a bodyguard and he didn’t tell me you were coming in today either so I didn’t prepare you a room. To be honest with you, this is my fucking room. I bring people in here to fuck so um… don’t get too comfortable…”

Ivan made a disgusted face as he looked over to the messy bed. It was no wonder the blankets were practically on the floor and the sheets looked like they were ripped off of the mattress.

“Is… Is there no other room…?” Ivan didn’t want to sleep in a place that was basically a rentable room in a brothel. It was probably covered in disease and the semen and cum of several different people. Whatever Alfred’s preference in bed partners was.

“Well there is one other room.” Alfred gave him a smirk before looping his arms around the taller man and hanging off his neck. His hips were pressed flush against Ivan’s. “You can sleep in my room, big boy.” Alfred leaned close until his lips almost touched Ivan’s but instead of meeting his lips, his lips met leather.

“No.” Ivan had put a glove in front of his face and used it to gently push Alfred off his body. “Being your sexual partner is above my paygrade.”

“So it’s about money, huh?” Alfred dug into his pocket and took out a clip of hundreds. “How much? You’re not too bad on the eyes. How big are you?”

“Too big for you. And too expensive,” he took a step back, “kid.” rubbing salt to the wound. The rich boy has probably never been rejected before and Ivan was right. The look on his face was enough to tell him so. “What are you? Seventeen?”

“I’m twenty. Geez. If I was younger, my dad would have gotten a nanny, not a bodyguard.” Alfred huffed and turned on his heels, throwing himself onto the bed.

“Is that what I am? Your nanny?” He put his hands on his hips and gave Alfred an amused look.

“Dad said ‘adult babysitter’ so yeah, pretty much.”

“Well in that case,” Ivan walked over to the boy and with the strength of a bear, lifted him off of the bed easily. He tore out the sheets, blankets, and pillow cases then threw them into Alfred’s arms. “Do the laundry. And clean the rest of the house as well. I will not be living in this wasteland.”

Alfred’s eyes blinked rapidly as if he was trying to process what was happening in his mind. “Wha…” Then it looked like it finally hit him. He dropped the dirty pile. “Who do you think you are? You’re the hired help. You’re the one who should be doing the laundry. So you go do it!”

“Ah ah ah. You said I am your adult babysitter. Which means I am your temporary parent. And your father said that if I had any complications with you, I can just give him a call. Wouldn’t want to bother your busy daddy while he’s at work because his little boy wouldn’t do the laundry, hm?” That smug look and his baby-talk voice made Alfred’s blood boil but he knew Ivan’s threat wasn’t a bluff.

“Fine!” Stomping his foot like a child, he picked up the pile of laundry and marched off to the laundry room. It was a small room with all of the cleaning supplies and admittedly, Alfred had never been in this room in his life. He had gotten as far as putting the laundry into the hole and closing the door but after that, he just stood there.

Why were there so many buttons?

He pressed one that looked like a power button and smiled when it beeped and turned on but then he was stuck again. There were so many dials and soaps and-

“You need help?”

Alfred flinched when Ivan appeared behind him with a pile of clothes in his arms. “N-no. Just uh… trying to figure out which setting to wash my clothes with.”

“Alfred, that’s the dryer.”

“I knew that.” He stared at Ivan’s questioning face for only three seconds before throwing his hands up. “Alright fine! They look identical! And I’ve never had to do my own laundry before so I don’t know, okay? Laugh all you want.” He crossed his arms and tried to shrink his head into his body to hide his shame. Never in his life has be been so embarrassed. It was just a simple task like doing the laundry and he had no idea how to do it.

But instead of getting the mockery and insults he’d usually get from his father, he got a pat on the head. “It’s alright.” Ivan moved to put the clothes he had in his arms into the washer then gestured for Alfred to take his laundry out of the dryer. “It’s not your fault that your life has always been luxury. If you never try, you’ll never learn.”

God, why did Ivan look so cool saying that?

Alfred nodded and moved his laundry to the other machine then looked up to Ivan like a patient child.

“Show me what you know.”

Alfred closed the door of the washer then pressed the power button, listening to it beep. Then he turned to the shelf of detergent, bleaches, and softeners and just stared.

“Need help?”

He looked back at Ivan who was leaning against the washer cooly. Seems he was trying to teach Alfred to ask for help instead of expecting it to fall into his lap. “I don’t know which soap to use.” Ivan smiled and pushed himself off the washer, starting his lesson.

(-w-)

The rest of the month went on just like that. Ivan would tell Alfred to do a chore, Alfred would do it until he got stuck or messed up, then Ivan would just stare until he asked for help himself. Already, he’s been getting better at it and Ivan found that Alfred had a strong interest in cooking. “It’s like science!” he had said, his entire face lighting up.

As for his bodyguard duty, most of his job was just to fight off the press and was surprised to find many of them were way too aggressive. It was pretty hard holding back his urge to punch them in the throat when they had their recorders pressed against his cheek and huddled so close to Alfred that it was easy to see that the he was having a hard time breathing. It was like that everywhere. The office, the bar, his house, and even sometimes at the grocery store, now that Alfred didn’t have a maid to do his shopping. But they endured and grew closer.

Honestly, this boy wasn’t all that bad. During dessert with a bit of alcohol mixed in, Alfred had opened up to him. He talked about how his father was never around, his mother had left them, and when she left, she took Alfred’s twin brother and little sister with her but his father had wanted to keep him to be his heir. So he was stuck here. Alone. And the maids didn’t talk to him either or gave him any attention. So he sought the company of others. And even though it was the wrong kind of company, it gave him a few hours of happiness and made him feel less isolated.

“Admittedly, Francesca was a mistake.”

“Francesca Vargas?”

“Yeah. Her. I was at a bar. Buzzed. And I saw her at a table with some dude who looked like he was her boring designated driver or something. She had on a tight red dress and looked really freaking pretty. Like I would get down on my knees and kiss her shoe, kind of pretty.”

“Wait. Aren’t you twenty? How did you get any alcohol?”

“I have a fake and I’m rich, Ivan. Now shut up, I’m telling the story.” When Ivan opened his mouth to tell him how wrong it was, Alfred shoved a spoonful of vanilla bean into his mouth. “Anyways. She was real pretty. And of course I went over to say ‘hi’ and stuff but the dude she was with stopped me and said she didn’t want anyone’s company.”

“Her bodyguard.” Ivan mumbled, licking the ice cream off his lips and returning Alfred’s spoon.

“I guess so. But I was buzzed so I just thought it was her protective brother or something.” A shrug. “I told the dude that if she was old enough to be at a bar, then she was old enough to make her own decisions and it seemed to spark something in her. She knew I was right and screamed until the security dragged the man out. I talked to her, we drank, a lot, and then I called my driver, we sneaked out the back door, fucked in the car, fucked again at my penthouse, and the next morning, she left all scared.”

“Condom?”

“Lack of… yeah… That was three months ago. I didn’t even know her name and I don’t even remember what happened that night until my dad called me and said I knocked up some important dude’s daughter. If I could take it back, I would. It was so stupid.” he sighed, leaning his head back on the couch. “And now the press won’t shut up. They’re making a huuuge deal about it and I just want it to stop already. I just wanna be normal, ya know?”

“I find that surprising. You seem to love your money.”

“Well yeah, cuz I was born with it and I’m used to living this way but sometimes, I go to bed and just lay there. Thinking.”

“Pea under your mattress, princess?”

“I’m serious!”

“Right. Sorry. Go on.”

Alfred huffed and ate another scoop of ice cream to cool himself down before continuing. “The money is just handed to me. Like I don’t even have to do anything to get it. I just gotta be alive and not run away or something. Makes me feel kinda… useless.”

“Can’t relate.” Ivan muttered, which earned him a glare.

“You don’t live my life so you wouldn’t know. I just… hate being so dependent. I have no skills, no talent, and if my dad really did cut me off my allowance, then I’d be lost. I don’t even have a resume. I’ve never worked a day in my life. Without my dad’s money… I’m worthless…”

Ivan sensed that the conversation has taken a bit of a solemn mood, and admittedly, he hated seeing Alfred like this. He was always so brave and proud that seeing him so upset with himself was unsettling.

“That’s not true.” He scooted closer to Alfred then draped an arm over his shoulder. “I think you have a great natural talent in cooking. And you have a strong fascination with science. Especially archaeology. And I know you never said it but I know you like history as well. You also seem to have a strong interest in looking at the little details; you are very good at picking up patterns; and your face lights up when you find out about how things work. And I’ve only known you for a month.”

He looked over at Alfred who seemed like he was near tears. “Did I say something wrong?” he stuttered.

But instead of answering, Alfred put their bowls down and wrapped his arms around Ivan in a tight hug. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. No one has even cared that much.”  

“Well seems like the next thing on my to-do list is to find you some new friends.” Ivan let out a sigh and gave Alfred the hug he probably needed. Alfred was likely touch-starved after Ivan shooed away all his possible suitors and bedmates over the past month. In his defense, Ivan could tell easily that they were the wrong types of people for Alfred. And seeing him with someone else made his hands grow cold.

Wait. Was he jealous?

God, he was.

“Ivan?” Ivan grunted softly in response. “I think I love you.”

Ivan’s eyes widened as he looked down at Alfred. “This is a joke, right?”

“No! I’m serious. I’ve... never felt this way about anyone before. It’s… fuck! This is embarrassing.” Embarrassing enough that he had covered up his face with his hands and looked to the side.

Ivan found the action to be adorable and leaned forward to kiss his wrists. For his actions, he was rewarded with Alfred moving his hands off his face and letting him see the beet red blush that covered his face.

“D-did you just-?”

“I like you too, Alfred.” Love? He wasn’t sure yet. But being with Alfred made him the happiest he’s ever been. And no matter what, that joyous laugh always made his stomach flutter and his heart jump.

“Oh gee, ‘like’? Might as well stab me in the back.” Alfred laughed a little nervously, not knowing if that were Ivan’s rejection or some partially returned feelings, which meant he had a chance.

“I don’t love you just yet, Alfred. Love takes time to grow and I don’t want to jump to things too quickly. But, I do want to be with you. Try this relationship out. If that’s alright with you.”

“Yes!” Alfred shouted a bit too quickly but he was just too eager to be with this man.

“But no sex until you’re twenty-one.”

“Why! That’s torture!”

“Alfred, on my first day here, I said I was too big for you and I was being serious. I might hurt you if you’re not experienced enough so we’re going to have to wait until you’re twenty-one. But toys and other things, I will allow. I just don’t want to hurt you, okay?”

Alfred was pouting but deep down he was grateful that Ivan cared about his pain and safety. So instead of pushing him, he just nodded and draped his arms onto Ivan’s shoulders. “Seal it with a kiss?”

“That I will allow.” Alfred’s joyous giggles made Ivan smile up to his eyes and he even let out a laugh at Alfred’s “preparation for a kiss” breathing and lip exercises.

“Right, okay, okay,” He shook his face like a dog and breathed in and out deeply. “I’m ready. Kiss me!”

It was adorable. Ivan cupped his face gently with his hands, thumb rubbing over the scar on his cheek that Alfred had tried to hide with the black star. He gave that a kiss first, then his jawline, then his chin, and his forehead, until Alfred was audibly whining at Ivan’s deliberate avoidance of his lips. Letting out a soft growl, Alfred took matters into his own hands and quickly pressed his lips against Ivan’s before the torturous teasing could continue any further.

For a few seconds, it was like he had forgotten how to breathe. Kisses with his one-night-stands never felt like this. It was like a comforting warmth was injected into his body and made his skin tingle with an emotion he couldn’t describe.

And before he knew it, they had pulled apart, his lips slightly parted and his face flushed. He blinked his eyes open shyly before finally meeting Ivan’s eyes and finding that a blush dusted his pale cheeks as well.

“Was that good enough seal the deal?” Ivan asked, looking at him with a smirk which Alfred then mirrored.

“No. I think I need another one. You know. Just in case that one wasn’t legally binding.”

Looking at that cheeky face, Ivan had a feeling that he’d break his own contract. There was something about him that made him want to throw caution to the wind. Though, he had a feeling that Alfred would have no trouble with his size.

“Maybe one more.”

(-w-)

The two were a chaotic pair. Now that Alfred had a partner in crime, that turned out to be equally playful, he grew more bold and reckless. Not even a week into their relationship, Alfred screamed “I have a boyfriend! Stop asking about a fling!” at the press after being hounded by questions about Francesca.

After his little slip up, their lives turned to hell. If the paparazzi had been persistent before, they turned absolutely obsessive over him in these passing months. All of the gossip magazines were eager to be the first to find the name of Alfred’s boyfriend and many of them pulled up old photos of Alfred together with other men claiming that this person was his lover. Worse yet, some of Alfred’s flings claimed to be his boyfriend just to be a part of the fame but rumors like that didn’t last long.

“God, another one? I sucked this guy’s dick like once at a gay bar over a year ago. He was a fucking asshole. Held me down and forced me to swallow all of his jizz even though I was trying to tell him I couldn’t breathe.” Alfred threw the magazine down to the floor of his limo and plopped his head down on Ivan’s lap.

To Alfred’s surprise, even after all his dirty secrets were dug up, Ivan never called him a whore. He didn’t lose respect for him and not once did he call Alfred disgusting or ridiculed him about his partners like his father had done not long ago. He didn’t understand why Ivan wanted to be with him but the bodyguard refused to leave.

“He doesn’t deserve your anger, myshka. You’ll get frown lines.” Ivan’s thumb massaged Alfred’s temples as he left a kiss on his nose.

“Myshka? That’s a new one.”

“Little mouse.”  

“I’m not a little mouse!”

Alfred had thought the name was embarrassing but still, he was smiling, and that’s all that mattered to Ivan. Oh how he wanted to tell the press that Alfred belonged to him but it was too risky. Alfred’s father would fire him for sure and probably force a restraining order. He couldn’t lose Alfred. Just the thought of it made his heart wrench.

“What are you thinking about?”

Alfred’s voice shattered his bubble of thought. Ivan sighed and leaned down until his forehead was pressed against Alfred’s. “Thinking about how much I love you.” Then he looked into Alfred’s eyes, waiting for a reaction.

Alfred’s eyes grew to the size of saucers and he took in a huge breath. “Oh fuck! That’s- That your first ‘I love you’! You- You finally said it!” Alfred had grown so excited he fell off the car seat but he stayed on his knees in front of Ivan so their eyes would be level. “Say it again!”

Ivan’s face heated up and in an instant, he grew shy. “I can’t just say it randomly! It’s harder than it looks, you know!”

“It’s not! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! Come on! I want to hear it!” Like a dog waiting for his treat, Alfred smacked his hands against the seat of the couch and bounced his whole body.

“Alright alright! Quiet down or the driver will hear you through the window.”

He’s too old for gossip anyways and I pay him well enough. Say it!”

Ivan sighed and rubbed the back of his neck before cupping his boyfriend’s face and leaning in close. “I love you.” The way Alfred’s entire face lit up was almost comical but that gorgeous smile was infectious. Even when they kissed, Alfred couldn’t stop his giggles and excited squealing.

But that happiness had to end eventually. The limo slowed to a crawl as they came into the condo driveway and Alfred could already hear the reporters with their questions.

“Hurry up and get to the penthouse so I can suck you.” Alfred’s flirtatious whisper sent a shiver down his spine and he left the limo with newfound vigor.

“Clear the way, please! Mr. Jones will not be answering any questions!” With one hand wrapped around Alfred and the other pushing away cameras, recorders, and hands, Ivan pushed through the crowd. There were so many questions being asked at once that Ivan could barely process any of them. All he heard was something about a new man claiming to be Alfred’s lover, and something about the Vargas girl.

As they reached the entrance, someone, or a group of someones, gave the pair a strong shove, making Alfred flatten himself against Ivan’s chest. He heard a couple reporters complain shout, “Watch where you’re going!” or “How rude!” but it didn’t matter to Ivan. They had made it inside the lobby. Oddly enough, Alfred still clung to him like a lifeline.

“Alright, we’re safe.” But Alfred still clung to him. “Come on. You can hug me when we get to your room. But right now, I need your key so we can go up to your flat.”

Alfred muttered something under his breath but it was inaudible to Ivan.

“What did you say?” Ivan leaned his head lower so his ear would be by his mouth.

Alfred wasn’t muttering. He was gagging. His eyes were wide with fear and body trembling just the slightest.

“Oh my god. What’s wrong, Alfred?” Ivan pried Alfred’s body off of his but the boy fell limp without him. It wasn’t until Alfred was laid down on the floor that Ivan finally noticed.

There was a tear in Alfred’s coat. No, not a tear, a slit. A slit with a wetness surrounding it. He ripped the coat off his body and what he found took the breath out of his lungs.

The back of Alfred’s pure, white shirt was soaked his in blood. And to his dismay, the red was still blossoming, spreading like death’s poison on his lover.

(-w-)

The trip to the hospital was a blur. When the nurses and doctors spoke to him, it felt like he was listening through a thick wall of water. His entire world felt like it was tilted at an angle and he swore all he could hear his own breathing.

It wasn’t until something slammed into his head that he was dragged back into reality.

“This is all your fault!”

His eyes followed up a pair of legs to a body then a head. It was Alfred’s father.

“I hire you to protect him and you can’t even do that? My son is in the ER because of you! If anything happens to him, you can bet your ass I’m going to sue you until your comminist ass is deported back where you belong!”

Ivan couldn’t feel anything. He just felt… numb. Slowly, he get up off the floor and returned to sitting in his seat but something hit him again. When he looked up, Jones Senior was being dragged out by the security while the nurse asked it if was okay. But before he could even respond, the nurse pressed a tissue against his temple.

“Sir, you’re bleeding. Give me a second, I’ll get you some bandages.”

He could feel the blood sliding down his cheek but compared to the pain in his heart, it was nothing. He felt nothing. he wasn’t even sure if he was still breathing.

“Sir? Sir? Are you Mister uh… Ivan Braginsky?”

Ivan looked up at the nurse. A new one. Wait, when had the other nurse bandaged his head? And when had it turned to night time?

“I am.”

“Mister Jones just woke up and he’s asked to see you.”

Ivan rose from his seat and came forward so fast he almost knocked the nurse over. “Please, take me to him.”

On their way to Alfred’s room, he had stuck so close to the nurse’s heels that he almost tripped on her, and though they were walking fast, it felt like the longest walk of his life. But at the end of the road, he saw Alfred.

Seeing him with tubes and other junk sticking out of him as he lay there in his hospital gown made it feel like his heart had fallen out of his chest. He felt like he had floated over to Alfred’s bedside and if it wasn’t for the pain in his knees when he fell on them, he would have forgotten he had legs.

“Alfred. Oh my god, Alfred. You’re okay.” He took Alfred’s hand into his own, wishing the thick clip wasn’t in the way.

“Well I feel dead.” he scuffed, his voice weak. Even in this condition Alfred was joking about it.

“Please don’t say that, Alik. I don’t know what I would do if you…” He couldn’t even bring himself to say it.

“It’s going to take a lot more than a stab in the back to kill me.” Alfred tried to laugh at that but his voice was raspy and the action made him wince in pain.

Ivan moved to sit on the edge of the bed so it would be easier for Alfred to see him. He reached down to move the hair out of his eyes and to give him a tender kiss. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you. I won’t forgive myself for letting you get hurt like this.”

“Baby, it’s okay.” Alfred gave Ivan’s hand a weak squeeze. “I don’t blame you for it. If anyone is to blame, it’s me for causing this whole mess. But no blame games, okay? I’m fine. I’m alive. It’s over.”

“But I almost lost you.” Ivan hadn’t realized he was crying until he saw his own tears drip onto Alfred’s face.

“But you didn’t, okay? Hey, what happened to your head?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Talking about it is making it more painful.” he lied, “Now tell me what happened to your head.”

“Your father hit me.” He sniffed and wipes his tears away with his sleeve. “He said he’s going to deport me.”

“Over my dead body.”

“Alfred. Stop joking like that.”

“What? I just beat death. Let me joke about it.” And even when he was stuck in a hospital bed with stitches in his back, Alfred still tried to stay strong.

“You’re lucky I love you.” Ivan’s lip was quivering even as he smiled.

“Yeah. I’m the luckiest person alive.”

[quranreadalong]

#125, Surah 23

THE QURAN READ-ALONG: DAY 125

Right... well, that was an exciting and unexpected science class. This section will be more normal, by the Quran’s standards. It’s kind of all over the place and covers a bunch of topics, but we’re starting with 23:17. It is a description of the seven heavens (actually called seven “paths” there, meaning each is on top of the other). Allah sends water from the sky in the form of rain, and can suck it back up to the sky just as easily. The rain makes plants grow, including one olive tree in particular:

And a tree that springeth forth from Mount Sinai that groweth oil and relish for the eaters.

I’ll be real, idk what this is referring to. I don’t know if this is some special tree mentioned in a Jewish tradition or something that Mohammed is specifically referencing, or if he’s just being poetic. As far as I know there aren’t any trees on the modern Mount Sinai at all? Whatever. There’s an olive tree that makes tasty oil on Mt Sinai, wherever it is, and Allah wants you to know about it. Neutral.

Allah also provides people with milk from the “bellies” of cattle, in addition to their meat, and lets people travel across seas in boats. I mean, okay. This is all disjointed tbh, like all that those ayat really have in common is that they’re... about.... liquid......

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

And We verily sent Noah unto his folk, and he said: O my people! Serve Allah. Ye have no other God save Him. Will ye not ward off (evil)?

Well, let’s go through it again. Go ahead, Mohammed. Let’s see... 23:24, Noah’s people ask him why Allah didn’t send an angel or some other miracle, and they think that Noah is a bit loopy. Noah asks Allah for help. Allah tells him to build an ark and stick two of every creature in there, then tells him that everyone who is not in the ark is gonna die (bad! the rest is neutral). Noah and family--the dead son isn’t mentioned this time--get on the ark and praise Allah for saving them from “the wrongdoing folk”, who are all dead, then ask him to let them get off the damn boat, which he does. This was all a “test” from Allah, apparently.

And Allah sure loves his damn tests, as we’ve seen. After killing everyone not on the ark, Allah performed another test in a later generation (presumably Hud’s people) in 23:31. He sends a prophet to tell them to stop being polytheists. They say “no thanks and also if Allah exists why doesn’t he send an angel or sth bruv? Ain’t u just a regular guy?”, again. They don’t believe in resurrection or the afterlife and mock Hud because they don’t believe him.

Like Noah, Hud asks Allah for help. Allah says “lol just wait and see boyeeee”. And then he kills them all and “made them like as wreckage”. Another happy ending!!!

Mohammed says that this process was repeated in other generations and that no nation can avoid Allah’s punishment. Thank fuck, he does not actually go into the stories of Saleh and Shuaib again, he just says that in general Allah killed everyone who disbelieved in his prophets (bad!!!). He also says in that ayah that he made them follow each other into their disbelief and doom, so... as per usual, wtf is he complaining for, then?

Regardless, let’s finish up this particular chain of thought. Allah sent Moses and Aaron to the pharaoh and his people, but they refused to believe that they were prophets, so Allah destroyed them and then gave Moses “the scripture”. I’ll leave that as neutral because it only implies that they were destroyed for their disbelief instead of, you know, the terrible shit they did.

Our last ayah of the day is a curious one. 23:50:

And We made the son of Mary and his mother a portent, and We gave them refuge on a height, a place of flocks and watersprings.

What are we talking about here, exactly? A raised land with flowing water on it (no one knows how to translate the “flocks” part, most go for “a place of rest” or “peaceful place” or something)? Ibn Kathir has no idea, nor do the Jalals. Some scholars associate this with the “massacre of innocents” mentioned in the Bible, meaning it would be in Egypt, but nothing in the Quran as a whole or this ayah in particular references that event.

So others looked elsewhere. Damascus is one of several options thrown around, due to the ghuta of Damascus (now a wartorn hellhole but once a beautiful ring of greenery and streams around the city), but why... would they be in Damascus? It’s not really explained. People just associated that place with the description in the ayah despite there being no story linking them together. Another option brought up is Ramlah, though this appears to be solely based on a weak hadith in which Mohammed says that some guy will die at the spot in question, and the guy ended up dying in Ramlah.

Another opinion collected by Ibn Kathir is that this is the same place referenced in the story of Jesus’ birth in surah 19, where Allah makes a stream flow beside Mary and the newborn baby Jesus. Since we traced the story of Jesus’ birth in the Quran back to a Christianized story of Apollo’s birth, I wonder if this “raised land” is meant to be some variant of the miraculous creation of the island Delos, where Leto gave birth? The ayah above doesn’t specify when the “refuge on a height” incident happened, after all. We really don’t have anything to go off of here, since this “refuge on a height” thing is never mentioned again. Choose your own adventure, I guess!!

NEXT TIME: Disbelievers are trash, etc.

The Quran Read-Along: Day 125

Ayat: 34

Good: 0

Neutral: 31 (23:17-26, 23:28-40, 23:42-43, 23:45-50)

Bad: 3 (23:27, 23:41, 23:44)

Kuffar hell counter: 0

⇚ previous day | next day ⇛

[rescueonefinancialnet]

Static by Mick Dark - Part 2

...Elijah took himself back in and allowed his heart beat to recover while he slumped into his recliner after having switched on his radio. He drifted off for a few moments, dreaming of his Deborah, as he always did. He was jolted up by sharp static followed by a male voice that had him racing to his seat in front of the wideband radio.

Pressing the transmitting button, Elijah said “hello, Moses? Joe”? Nothing. Light white noise and then silence. Suddenly a shrieking, high pitched sentence “FRENDDDD GAWWWWN! COMM FIND YOOOOO!” Elijah, barely recuperated from his earlier trauma leapt out of his chair, covering his mouth that covered a near scream that ended up producing a forced whimper. “GAHHH ….WE COMMM” then a snapped silence like the radio was unplugged.

“hello! HELLO! WHO IS THIS!!!!??” WHO IS THIS!!!!??” Elijah demanded. He sat back down. This was Joe’s frequency. “How did they know me?? Wait, my god…Joe!” Elijah whispered in a dribbled terrified sentence. “Joe has my location, maps of the entire area but I was miles away from him, even if they had a map. Even if they could read a map.” He continued.

Although….getting around was not their issue. It was the issue of those uninfected. Could they read maps. Could they understand anything? Elijah considered all of this. But they could speak, if that was truly one of them. He was trying to wrap his head around the proposition. Something that he never considered before. They were infamous for their rage and for their senseless malevolence. Nobody knew anything about their level of intelligence or capabilities.” He continued as he dropped into his chair. Looking around the room without any purpose. He knew that he needed a plan. If they were coming for him and knew where to find him – then they were far more intelligent than anyone had suspected and he needed to either fortify or run. Elijah decided to prepare.

Then, another run of static on the radio. “Elijah, my friend, it’s Moses” he said. “Oh thank God, you’re ok. What the fuck happened over there and where have you been”? Elijah pressed. Moses deeply exhaled and started “uhhh.. these things broke into my home while I was out searching for food. Destroyed my apartment. I was afraid they would come back so I took everything I could and while I was collecting my items, I heard them in the building. I hid and then ran as soon as I could hear some silence. In my rush, I left my radio behind and each time I tried to come back, I was afraid”. He continued. “This morning, I decided that I needed to get my radio, if I could. I needed to communicate. That is when I saw this child running across the parking lot, as I was entering the building. I was confused and didn’t know what was happening. Then I saw these two things chasing her. I was terrified for this little girl” “oh my God” Elijah interjected.

“I froze and knew that if I tried to help her, I was in danger but my impulse was to help this poor little girl so I chased after them and raced up the stairs behind them and that’s when I got to an apartment and saw them trying to grab at her, so when I saw a baseball bat hanging on the wall, I grabbed it immediately and acted” he continued. “I’m just glad that neither one of us was hurt”.

“She is safe now and we are back at my old flat but we cannot stay for long, as you know so I am wrapping up my equipment and we have to find another place” he finished. Elijah continued to explain to Moses his recent warning from whatever that was. He conveyed his sorrow at the thought that Joe may, in fact, be gone. He reinforced his concern that he was in danger and was afraid to take this on alone. Nobody ventures out. This is an unwritten rule. Nobody, not at night, not during the day. Only when the circumstance is so absolutely desperate. These abominations travelled in packs and were fast and deadly. They were somewhat intelligent. After the communications received that morning it was clear that they could speak, also. Moses didn’t care. He had already taken once chance and Eli was scared and alone. He would have to keep the little girl in tow, though. She couldn’t be left alone again. She was, most certainly, a liability to take along but it would benefit everyone to stay together. She wouldn’t survive alone.

They had a decision to make, however. If Elijah was in danger, he knew he should move and join Moses. That would be sensible. The concern was that Elijah had set up a fortress. It was reinforced as much as you could fortify a cheap apartment. He had horded enough food to last him months, maybe several weeks, at least, for 3 people. Cans of food. Nothing special but food, nonetheless. He had a water system set up. He had medical supplies and more. He couldn’t leave that behind. So, he decided to stay and fight if necessary. Hell, Moses took one out with a baseball bat, with no issues. Elijah had racked up a half dozen body count in the last two years, himself. Then, Elijah remembered the terrifying voice at the other end of that radio. If he stayed and the warning was valid then it could be a wave that he could have no protection from. He had to go.

Elijah packed up as much crap as he could. Rucksacks full of cans weighing him down. Had forgotten the can opener. Bottles of water, 6 filled up. As much as he could carry. A knife and his bat. Couldn’t take the radio but made one last attempt on it. He tried for just over 20 minutes to reach Moses who finally responded. Moses and Elijah made a plan. Neither one could stay where they were. The block could be teeming with them soon. They both prepared and with the little girl now at Moses’s side where she couldn’t be pried from, they met in the lobby of Elijah’s building, in the security room behind the concierge desk. Quietly. Cautiously. “What now?” whispered Moses. The young girl remained always silent – stared up at Moses and then Elijah anticipating his response.

“We move” replied Elijah. “We get to the boat”. Moses looked confused and froze as they all stopped short of their exchange and braced and listened. Indistinguishable noises in the distance. They rushed the conclusion to the chat. The neurosis was palpable. “what boat?” Moses asked. “Joe has a boat. I know where it is. I know where he hides the key. We gotta go for the boat” Elijah explained. “When?” Moses responded. “Now, brother. We have to go. I have a bad feeling. I mean a bad, bad feeling. This voice. This voice on the radio. I don’t know but I think they know where I am and the voice sounded familiar but hard to tell” Elijah exclaimed, sweat trailing down his face.

“Ok, let me have a look. Let me check the parking lot” Moses replied in a whisper. Moses opened the security room door slowly. He first checked the outer foyer. Nothing but broken glass. The area was clear. They felt that it was now time to make the move. It would be dark in a few hours. They could wait until morning but if Eli was telling the truth and it seemed that this was something that he took quite seriously, they wouldn’t be safe anymore in the apartment block. They had maybe 2 or 3 hours before it was dark. They had to make up time especially with the consideration that they could encounter unexpected delays with routinely keeping out of sight and moving cautiously.

They moved together, they got halfway through the foyer, their feet muting the crackling glass beneath them. Slowly. Then with a heart stopping break in the silence – a sharp static coming from upstairs. Loud enough to have been heard through Elijah’s door as he knew that it was his radio. Elijah was paralyzed from fear. The sharp hiss of the radio was felt as much as heard and it was followed by a ghoulish scream enveloped in white noise……it was difficult to distill the word that followed for a number of reasons – the paralyzing fear felt by the trio numbed their senses but they knew what that word was, when it was repeated.

COMMMMMINGGGGG!!

This was enough to encourage their movement. Elijah wasn’t sure who the message was directed at – the group or his fellow disciples of hell. Either way, those wobbly legs found their forward movement and they were off. The squelching command was repeated again and again until it faded into the distance as they moved out of the parking lot.

“COMMMMINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG”

The only hope was that they would make it to the boat before the sound alerted the hordes to a collective bounty on the heads of the fleeing team. Holding their weapons tight, albeit gripped with sweaty, shaking hands…they moved slowly between cars, around buildings, avoiding the open and desolate streets on their way to the quay.

Every few minutes, Eli would look up to the sky. The position of the sun was critical to his very existence. They made some distance and they had already gone too far to turn back. To hole up for the evening somewhere would be a terrifying premise as they were all unaware of the spaces that attracted activity and not being familiar with your overnight spot was an incredibly horrifying position to be in. The young girl was unusually strong. She was quiet and silent. Eli and Moses were thankful for this. It could have been their end if she had been hysterical, even emotional to any degree. As the group scurried quietly through an alleyway between two buildings, the echo of the ocean bounced off the passageway.

Above the calming hiss of the ocean’s tides, punctuated by the lack of the usual mob of seagulls, came an echoed series of demonic screams from a multitude of directions running along the stone walls of the passage. The cold grip of horror squeezed their chests and froze them gasping for air which didn’t come. The young girl’s fingernails dug into both hands and broke skin which made Moses and Eli both wince, simultaneously. They knew something was behind or in front of them but it was impossible to distinguish the direction or trajectory they needed to burst into. When they became unstuck, they glanced at each other, down to the young girl who only stared forward, hands shaking and maintained her grip, clawing into the hands of the two men. Moses, a massive mountain of a man, and tough as nails and veteran of damage from the ring let out a small squeal from the young girl’s sharp nails.

They were facing the direction of the ocean and the ocean they will seek. The boat needed to be found and the sky was showing signs of decline. Eli had guessed it to be nearing 6pm and they needed to make some distance. The end of the tunnel was shrouded in ambient light, sun facing them and in the blurriest of silhouettes passed a figure, not 30 feet in front of them. They instinctively gasped and hugged the walls with their backs, the young girl ducking behind a sun-bleached, putrid garbage bag. She felt like retching but moved back from it and covered her nose and mouth.

Every step seemed to bring more threats and far more frequently. Eli suspected that, if they could evacuate the alley and get to the street ahead, they need only cross the park and into the quay. They would scramble to the boat. The key was under the ice box in the rear of the boat. Joe had made that clear a hundred times during their quiet chats. Eli ran through the discussions in his mind that he had with Joe. Those many, many conversations he had, entrenched in white noise most times had him realise that he had no idea what really happened to Joe. Where had he disappeared to?

What if he had taken the boat!?? Eli thought. He had lost touch. Eli had thought the worse but what if he hightailed it!? What if he decided to make a bolt for the boat? Eli hadn’t considered this and it struck him like a dropkick. He could be leading the group to their end. To a useless quay with an empty, watery parking spot where Joe’s boat would be.

“What’s the plan?” Moses said. “We need to make it through the park. Across the baseball field, to the left is the dock….Joe’s boat is the last on the right…..we make it to the boat and we get out of here. I have enough food in this pack to last two weeks, at least and I know Joe has some provisions stocked away in the cabin below, if they haven’t been pilfered yet. We’ll be ok” Eli managed to lay out something positive.

The girl looked up and toward the two of them, slowly, one by one. Then, as they paused at the sidewalk, reaching the end of the passageway….they peered both ways. Even if they saw no movement, they envisioned shapes slinking in various directions within their mind. Eli continuously heard the static from his radio screaming that he was a target and that they were coming for him. It was his imagination but he was terrified. The boat had to be there. It had to be there. Joe couldn’t have known to get away before that threatening unearthly voice occupied his radio broadcast and even if Eli wishes he could have, it was better now if he didn’t.

Moses picked up the young girl who never uttered a name. His giant arms dragged her up to his shoulder and they all tore off towards the park. Eli was moving at half the speed. He was, after all, old. He had nearly no muscle mass left in his body. He had not exercised nor left his apartment for over a year. His legs were burning. Eli gasped for oxygen. Moses stopped to take him by the arm and they walked quickly while Eli recuperated as much as he could in this semi-speed walking gallop. He was ready to give up after a minute. Moses put the girl down and they shared a glance. She knew to stay close. Moses smiled at her.

“let’s go big boy. You can do this” Moses chimed within Eli’s hard laboured breathing. “you got this”…. Eli formed a pained smile and then turned his head slowly to see a torrent of ravenous, shrieking ghouls by the dozens at the edge of the park behind them, nearly 1000 feet away. They were distant but they seemed intent on getting to their newly targeted meals. The girl finally spoke “I’m scared” and started gulping air, fear choking her. Moses had to be their rock at this moment. He grabbed Eli by the underarm and dragged him with the girl close behind. He slung him onto his back like an old, panting rucksack. The girl followed behind and they jogged. The quay was close.

The group was finally in the open and the covert sneaking between cars and buildings was a commodity they no longer enjoyed. They were in the open, exposed and in danger. They were now being hunted. Soon, they were onto the stairs down to the jetty and onto the wooden dock racing towards the boat with Eli’s instructions. “let me down, Moses…I’m ok” Eli muttered with an exasperation of fear and fatigue. Moses dropped him gently onto his feet. Eli led them to the boat. Moses stopped to scan their followers. They had grown. They were seething, spitting, salivating, screaming. Moses turned to follow Eli. The girl was at Eli’s feet moving fast and panting.

“The boat!!!!??” Where is the boat!!?? Eli whispered as loudly and as angrily as one could between clenched teeth.

A space where Joe’s boat typically docked was empty. “He’s…..he’s taken it. It’s gone” Eli sobbed. Suddenly, he noticed their salvation, The Bay Buccaneer. Joe’s boat floating a few yards behind another that had blocked their view. “Run…there it is!! Jump! We have to swim!”…..

They all ran for the dock end and jumped, except Moses. He stood stock still. He looked at the water. No amount of fear can teach you how to swim. Moses couldn’t swim. Moses turned back and saw the horde reaching the end of their dock, ravenous. Eli and the young girl were swimming furiously towards the Bay Buccaneer. Eli turned to see Moses. He was just staring at the horde. Moses knew that he would sink immediately if he jumped. He didn’t expect to have to swim. He then made a choice. In an instant, he weighed the prospects of his slowly dying in the water, panicked or holding back the pack to keep his friend safe with some time, in case any of these bastards could even float to them. His choice was made in a flash and remarkably he chose their preservation over his own.

Moses ran a few feet away to a fishing boat as his eyes spied a barge pole on a set of hooks on the side of a towboat that was docked at the end of the pier. He pulled it off and positioned himself, firm footed, on the edge of the dock. Peering behind him at the other two reaching the boat and Eli pulling the girl up and onto the safety of the boat, they both looked towards Moses. He forced a smile and ran towards the mindless predators with the pole horizontal and with immense power, cross sticked the pole into the group, flinging many onto other boats, some into the water and the rest to the floor of the dock. Moses then swung the pole like a samurai across every head he could connect with and screamed in rage. Despite the lack of hope that he held for himself, two things buoyed him – the knowledge that he was saving his friends and the scream that he had buried in him for years that finally got to come out. It felt good. It was therapeutic, while it lasted. Eventually, though, he fatigued and was tackled by the greasy mob. Now on his back, Moses’s head looked back at the boat and his friends from his upside-down vantage point, ensuring his friends were far from danger while he was ripped apart by dozens of rotten teeth. Eaten alive.

Eli wiped away the moistness of his sweat and navigated to the stern of the boat across a wet and slippery floor and found the large thermal storage bin at the back and hoisted it up. The key was there. It was taped to the floor. He made out the outline within the duct tape and snatched it up. He ran to the ignition and pulled the girl with him. He saw that many of these ghouls had taken to the water and made some effort to swim towards the boat, in their own ridiculous fashion but were making some progress. As he sat down into the pilot’s seat…..a loud static.

Static shifting in different migrating frequencies. It stopped his heart. The young girl looked bewildered. Her eyes squinted, trying to understand where this sound was coming from. It was coming from the cabin below. The cabin that kept the food, the bed, the emergency elements they would need. It was coming from the cabin below where Joe’s radio was kept. His boat emergency broadcast equipment.

Silence took over. Only the ocean. The waves on the hull of the boat. The sounds of gargling demons in the water, mostly sinking to the bottom, having given up their aquatic pursuits. “Fuck this!!” Eli uttered. Then pausing to apologise to the little girl for his language and smiled weakly. Eli turned the ignition with aggression. Instant relief poured over him as the boat started up immediately. He pulled back the throttle and the boat jerked away pulling them both backwards. The girl grabbed his arm for steadiness as she jerked around on her unsteady legs. Eli looked back, teary eyed. He felt that he really wanted Moses with him now. He wished he had Joe with him. He turned to the little girl with a labored but soothing smile to ask her, finally, what her name was, when in his peripheral vision, he saw movement.

The girl finally answered, sheepishly, with eyes welled up from hours of emotional turbulence. Eli wasn’t paying attention anymore and seeing that he was distracted, she looked more confused.

“May. May is my name, Mister. Mister??”

Eli numbly, slowly and distractedly answered “ok, hi May” as shifted his attention to a slow-moving blur behind her. In his foggy peripheral, he saw that they were not alone and he moved her aside to clear her out of the way of his view. Then, Eli was shocked to be staring into the bloodshot, wild eyes of his old friend Joe, lumbering up from the cabin stairs. Salivating mouth, partially missing forehead, slowly widening, hysterical mouth of broken teeth, a wild tangle of hair, stiffened with what looked like dried blood framing a face of bloodthirsty madness.

More debt relief tips at ROF review

[mirceakitsune]

Artificial Intelligence: The baddest hoax in modern history

Over the years I've dealt with a good amount of crazy. I've seen more shit in nearly 3 decades than I imagined I could in 10 lifetimes, as far as sheer human madness is concerned. In the last few years it has rapidly gotten worse, and recently it seems to have reached new unprecedented heights.

In this episode, it's my displeasure to present to you the sentient computer... A.K.A. machine learning, A.K.A. artificial intelligence. No folks we aren't talking about a physical electronic brain... which may actually be possible one day, once scientists figure out how to reconstruct all neurons in the human brain and map them to a circuit of quantum bits. We're talking classic binary code running on your average 64 bit processor (C++ / Java / Whatever) which is supposedly capable of sentient processes... most notably recognizing the meanings and circumstances of objects in photos, up to facial recognition within complex images. Said functionality is supposedly achieved, I fucking kid you not, by training your computer like an animal or a human baby. This delusion seems to be embraced not only by ordinary people, but even programmers who are expected to know the matter at hand, and horrifyingly by government officials who believe this bullshit will give them some magical powers like in the movies. A few cases of this fairytale include, but are tragically not limited to:

Facebook supposedly recognizes who you are and automatically tags you whenever you upload a photo. Obviously this isn't because FB has money to throw at an army of moderators who stalk people in realtime to tag their shit, and because that's controversial and stupid they're hiding it behind an AI story, that would be crazy... it's the midget trapped in the body of a computer doing it!

The human-computer chimera may soon be "hired" by the airport, where it would scan the faces of travelers as they walk through the gate. Dozens of them... in a few seconds... in the same image.

British police are teaching an AI what child porn looks like. You can be sure it's not because they're looking for an excuse to play around with that material, hehe... it's just so the little man in the Windows system tray can learn how to "detect abused kids". Unfortunately for them the program is doing a bad job at singling out them kiddo butts, because it's confusing them with photos of sand dunes in the desert. But not to worry: The police is sure that the dead God is on their side, and their program will one day spot those sexy children without error! Hmmm... I wonder if mister computer man can develop a pedophilia fetish...

An old news article suggested an AI which, hold on to your horses everyone, was capable of detecting gay faces. Yep: If it sees any picture of you, it's able to tell whether you are homosexual or not.

Another AI can supposedly analyze the way you walk, determining if you have criminal intent based on how a camera sees you moving down the street. You better not be dancing back there dawg, the computer people will think you're gettin' ready to mug some homeboy!

An elaborate hoax known as Facerig has done an impressive job at convincing people that a program is capable of understanding not just your face, but your facial expressions... without even needing some super high-resolution video, just a shitty blurry webcam. Their hoaxed demos even show animated 3D characters imitating the facial expressions of someone in a camera... which I assume is either edited manually into the video, or the character is controlled in realtime by someone watching your face on camera (horrifying to think it might be without some users even knowing it).

At least a few of those articles managed to convince me that I couldn't possibly be a member of the human race, even if I look human when I see myself in the mirror (otherkin aspects aside). Nope; There's just no way I'm part of the same species as those creatures: My brain wouldn't be capable of coming up with this bullshit even as I'm dreaming at night, I must have been designed by aliens using a properly debugged brain structure! Jesus fucking Christ on a flying carpet... what in the ever loving fuck?

Now there are multiple reasons why this whole thing has become infuriating for me: One is the fact that whenever I try shedding a ray of reasoning on this trainwreck, I'm immediately attacked by virtually everyone who refuses to accept this is realm of fantasy. At the same time I worry about what is actually going on, seeing that a lot of effort and money were put into this hoax so it's obviously happening for a reason (likely a smoke screen for extreme mass surveillance plans). Further more it makes an unique mockery out of both biological life and programming alike, via the demented insinuation that a CPU is capable of emulating sentience which is a requirement for any content recognition of this degree. There was once a time when I was fascinated with the idea of AI and machine learning, and was planning to learn more about it and possibly play around with such code... today I'm disgusted to even hear about the subject, after those fuckers disfigured and diseased it too with their madness and refusal to understand basic logical limitations.

Because common sense doesn't seem to be obvious to everyone, I'm going to clarify why this is impossible, by explaining the impassible obstacles a computer would have to overcome in order to do something as unthinkably complex as facial recognition. For the proposed functionality, a mindless piece of code would have to do the following things, all on its own using only pixels of different colors from an image:

First of all it must determine what in the photo is a face, from numerous objects and complex structures that each represent all sorts of things. This is barely doable itself but okay.

Next it must work around the face being shot from any possible angle. The head may be rotated in any position relative to the camera, resulting in a radically different structure being visible in the image.

The person's face may be partly covered. Perhaps there's an obstacle between the face and the camera, like a structure or another person. Maybe they're wearing a scarf or glasses, which they weren't in other images. Maybe their hair is brushed differently and they have an emo haircut covering half of the face. Maybe they're wearing lipstick and the color of their lips is different.

People have different facial expressions in each photo. In one you may be smiling, in one you may be frowning... in one your mouth might be open, in the other it's closed. Faces are always shaped differently.

The lighting conditions are guaranteed to not be identical, both brightness and colors differ. Maybe it's day maybe it's night, maybe the environmental light is reddish maybe the atmosphere is blue, maybe different cameras that shot you used different color adjustment filters.

The average camera (even good ones) is still much more blurry than anything we see with the naked eye. Motion blur is also involved if either you or the camera are moving, if the environment is dark it gets worse. Noise is further introduced by a bit of jpeg compression, as no sane camera wrecks your drive space by saving in lossless png.

Many people still upload low resolution pictures of themselves on the internet. When your picture is 1024 x 768 and you're standing at a distance, there is nearly no usable detail to even attempt to work with on a PC.

Suppose it miraculously managed to single out a face throughout all those obstacles: It needs to measure something and use it as an identifying trait! What, how, why? The apparent distance between your eyes in pixels? How wide your mouth appears to be? How bulgy is your forehead? It doesn't even know what those things represent, not to mention anything can look like a head or eyes or a mouth!

Even if by total defiance of all logic, there was something that could be mathematically measured and the program did manage to calculate it on its own: The computer would also need to compare the data to what is probably trillions of photos in the database! Not only do people look similar so there would be millions of false positives, but doing so many pixel comparisons would require 100 times more memory and processing power than all computers on the planet combined today have!

Are you fucking kidding me? Someone is actually trying to tell me that in actual real life, a shitty piece of x64 code would be capable of doing ALL THAT? What the fuck are people smoking these days? No, really... just go take a walk in the park or meditate on the top off a cliff, then ask yourself the question: "How could I possibly be led to believe this crap"? It's 1000 times easier to board a space shuttle and go to Mars TOMORROW, compared to achieving something that gets even close to this. Even if Jesus himself was still alive and had his superpowers to heal the blind and spawn fish from a basket, even if Moses could make the waters split with his mighty staff... not even they could create something like this, even if they called God himself for reinforcements. If you open your bedroom window and leap right through it, you can be more confident that you'll fly like Peter Pan compared to this shit happening. THIS - IS - NOT - POSSIBLE!

And before people tell me "but the CIA has had facial recognition for decades": Yes they do and that's a totally different matter. Criminologists use one or two photos per suspect (frontal and side shot) which are taken in carefully controlled conditions: It's always from the same angle and distance, the suspect is told not to smile or open their mouth, the lighting is the same, etc. There are also only a few million photos of criminals in the database, rather than trillions of pictures from billions of people... if you have a 10 GHz processor you may be able to do a pixel-to-pixel comparison of one photo against all others in less than a day.

I'm sorry, but some harsh shit had needed to be said about this: Every time this pops up on EFF or other rights groups, I find myself compelled to speak out against a big fat lie seeing how everyone else refuses to. There is seriously no excuse for allowing fairytales and mass hysteria to spread all over the media, without one voice of reasoning exposing this obvious lunacy for many months! Also fuck humanity hard for ruining what could have been a beautiful domain of research if it was kept rational and serious and not turned into a distorted fantasy... especially since I'm a programmer, do not expect me to forgive this mockery, as they've put yet another cherry on the cake the way only this disgusting species is capable of doing.

[shirtlesssammy]

The Third Man: 6x03 Recap

Then:

Sam’s miraculously out of the pit, I liked Lisa, and Cas is a BAMF

Now:

At the local cop shop locker room, Officer My Face is Sloughing Off is 1000% squicking me out. He quickly dissolves into a pile of goo in front of his fellow officers.

We cut to Dean and Lisa sharing a quiet, intimate moment in the small hours of the morning, only to have a Mack truck startle Dean out of what was actually just a dream. He’s on the road, sleeping in the Impala. This moment makes me wonder. I think it’s generally understood that Dean went to Lisa because he thought that was what Sam wanted of him. Hunting is a part of Dean --but I look at this dream and think that he’s lying to himself if he doesn’t also want ..something more, as Sam asked him in 11x04. This dream is between Dean and the audience. And it’s certainly coming at time when he’s struggling with what he wants/who he is.

Meanwhile:

Shirtless Sammy!

Sam’s so good in bed that the escort he paid to spend the night with (!!) is totes willing to spend time with him off the clock. Sam throws her number away (!!!). He then gets a call from his brother, and Sam informs Dean that he’s caught a case. Dean’s perplexed by Sam’s all-business attitude, but agrees to meet him in Pennsylvania. I just sorta really love Soulless!Sam.

In Speed Trap Dirt Road USA, Officer Lex Luthor enjoys a nice day of not making an effort at ticketing speeding drivers. He does have better things to do since his face is boiling off! These are really great/gross death scenes.

Arriving in Pennsylvania, Dean is preoccupied being a dad and chastising Ben over the phone for lying. Sarcastic!Sammy makes an appearance. I remember watching this the first time thinking Sam is so ooc and an asshole…little did I know. Sam assures Dean that ditching Lisa is “better for everyone” (!!), and the brothers share barbs about their respective cars.

Once inside the morgue, Sam gives Dean the lowdown on Officers Liquid and Boils. They decide to interview Ed Colfax, who witnessed his co-worker’s liquefaction. But first some Rad Racer:

Once at Officer Colfax’s home, Dean compliments the policeman on his snazzy get up --hat and all. Ah Dean, never one to not notice a man in uniform. Something’s off about the man though. He slams the door in Sam and Dean’s faces. Sam does the only logical thing and kicks open the door. I echo Dean’s sentiment with a “Dude!” Once in the house, they notice all the pictures on the wall have their faces scratched out, and Ed sitting at the kitchen table continuing to scratch out more pictures. 

He tells them “Don’t worry about it.” and then scratches at his head. They ask if his fellow officers had any enemies, and Ed admits that they both had it coming --him as well. Then he pours himself a generous cup of whiskey, telling them that God wants them dead because of Christopher Birch. He knocks the whiskey bottle over and can only stare as the golden liquid pours to the floor. 

Sam asks who Christopher Birch is. “Christopher Birch is a kid with no face, and a planted gun,” Ed responds, and then blood begins to trickle down his face. He falls over, dead. Sam removes his hat to reveal a giant hole and locusts crawling in and out of it. A+ death squickiness this episode.

Back at their hotel, the brothers start research on why ancient biblical plagues are terrorizing the people in this town. Sam confirms the Christopher Birch story. Dean is still skeptical that this is heaven’s work. He comes up with the brilliant idea of calling Cas.

Sam insists that Cas isn’t listening. He’s tried many times. Dean still wants to give it a go.

And much to Sam’s chagrin, Cas appears.

**CLASSIC TFW ALERT**

Sam mocks Cas’s greeting. Cas confirms that “Hello” is still the proper greeting. Sam gets indignant that Cas ignored him for so long, and yet Dean calls once and *Poof* he’s here.

Sam: So, what, you -- you like him better or something?

Cas: Dean and I do share a more profound bond.

Cas: (to Dean) I wasn't gonna mention it.

In all that’s been made of this little exchange, it’s not the “profound bond” that gets me --it’s the little aside, just to Dean, when he clarifies that he wasn’t going to bring it up but Sam forced his hand.

Dean chastises Cas a bit for ignoring Sam’s pleas. Cas couldn’t help, after all has has NO CLUE who *cough* he did *cough* brought him back from the cage. Also, Cas came back to check in on the plague situation. And let me pause right here and scream into the void over Edlund’s writing of Cas. I know I’m just one more voice that feels this way, but he does it in such a way to make Cas strong, and awkward, and smart. Over the years, Cas has sometimes wandered into broad naive awkwardness at times, but this whole scene highlights his foreign-ness in a hilarious but believable way.

Cas then tells the boys that heaven isn’t killing these people but one of heaven’s weapons is causing them: the staff of Moses. However, the weapon isn’t at full strength so Cas does a little detective work and rules out Moses as a suspect.

Dean wonders why “Chuck Heston’s disco stick” is Earth-side. Cas informs them that heaven is in chaos, and some weapons were stolen.

Cas asks the brothers for their help in locating this weapon. Sam scoffs at the irony. CHUCK DAMNIT, just help him! Listen to him! Let’s rewrite season 6! (Oh wait, they did with season 12! Ha, Cas STILL DIED. WTF, show? Why must you torture us? Haha, I’m fine, it’s all good. I’m not spiraling into late-season hellatus madness at all.) Needless to say, Cas is done with their crap. For the past “year”, he’s been a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. More people will die without the Winchester’s intervention.

So, back to the case, the only lead they have is the father of Christopher Birch asking for an investigation into his death.

Cas flaps in with the Winchesters to investigate Darrell Birch, the father of the person the cops framed. They land right in the guy’s living room. Sam bridges Darrell’s what-the-fuck gap by immediately flashing his FBI badge.

They immediately try to shake the truth from their purported perp.

Cas: You smote them with the Staff of Moses.

Darrell: What kind of Fed are you?

Cas: Real “Fed” up with your runaround.

Aaron, Darrell’s son, comes in pointing a segment of the Staff of Moses at the three. Cas flaps over and takes the staff from the boy. Aaron pleads for leniency - he was the one who brought destruction on the cops who killed his brother. They ask him where he got the weapon.

He prayed for help and an angel gave it to him, but never told him his name. Dean has a hard time believing that it was just a benevolent gift and he looms over Aaron, insisting on the truth. It turns out that Aaron bought a section of the Staff of Moses in exchange for his soul. Cas zonks Aaron out and flaps everyone back to the hotel room before you can say, “He really puts the ass in Cas.”

“Cas, you realize you just kidnapped a kid,” Dean points out, supremely weirded out. Cas explains that he wants to see the brand on the kid’s soul - that’ll tell him who bought it. Cas begins rolling up his sleeves so he can stick his arm into Aaron and get a read on his soul. It’ll be excruciatingly painful for Aaron, but productive. Sam’s on board with this plan and Dean is HORRIFIED. (Oh, Dean Bean.)

While Aaron gets tortured by Cas’s inquisition, Dean spares a glance at his stone cold brother. His spider sense is tingling… (Boris interjects: I think this whole scene is a great example of how casual viewers watch the show vs. fans that really take the time to analyze things. I was 100% casual the first viewing and I was eye-rolling through the whole season. Sam was such a jerk! Cas didn't care about humans? But this scene is just screaming at the audience that there's something amiss with both of them!)

Cas identifies the soul purchaser as Balthazar, just in time for one of Raphael’s loyal angels to spring in and attack. Cas and the other angel fight, eventually falling from the window and smashing into Sam’s car below.

“Okay, silver lining,” Dean remarks upon seeing Sam’s squished car. Cas flaps back upstairs and starts puttering around the kitchen. The Winchesters want to know NOW what the hell was going on with that angel attack. It turns out that Raphael wants to run Heaven and if he wins, the apocalypse restarts. So, it’s civil war up in Heaven. No wonder Cas is cranky.

Cas starts outlining a spell in chalk on a tabletop. He confesses that he didn’t talk to Dean and Sam because he was ashamed of the state of affairs up in Heaven. The spell activates and tracks Balthazar. Cas immediately flaps them to Balthazar’s little hidey hole: a giant, opulent mansion.

Cas infiltrates the mansion and tracks Balthazar to a swinging, disco-lit room. The doors slam shut behind him. Balthazar swans in, a drink held in his hand. He’s already fought off the other angel who had attacked Cas earlier and has clearly used the Staff of Moses on him. A frog emerges from the angel’s lips.

Balthazar: You know, the old frog in the throat. Castiel: Even I know that that's a bad joke.

(Me: Sasstiel… <3 )

Cas tells him that he mourned his death and then tries to get to the bottom of what Balthazar is up to down on Earth. Cas tells him that he’s an honorable soldier. He’s not a thief. But Balthazar contests that he stole Heaven’s weapon stash because he could. Free will!

“You're the one who made it possible,” Balthazar tells him. “The footsteps I'm following -- they're yours. What you did, stopping the big plan, the prize fight? You did more than rebel. You tore up the whole script and burned the pages for all of us. It's a new era. No rules, no destiny. Just utter and complete freedom.”

Cas disapproves. MEGA strongly. He begs Balthazar for the weapons. Only with those will he beat Raphael and his minions. Balthazar assures him that even if they manage to defeat Raphael, Cas won’t be able to put a stop to the angelic infighting.

Thunder rumbles...Raphael’s arrived.

Balthazar flaps out, leaving Cas alone in the house. Sam and Dean attract two minions and use an angel-banishing sigil to zap them away. Cas kills one other, then Raphael takes hold and starts kicking the crap out of Cas.

Things are looking bad for the Rebel Alliance when Balthazar sashays back in. He holds out a chunk of rock and turns Raphael’s vessel into rock salt. He’s about to peace out again when Dean lights a circle of holy fire around him. Dean demands that Balthazar free Aaron’s soul and under some duress (and some hard core looks from Cas - see Exhibit A below) he releases his debt.

Exhibit A

Souls are extremely valuable and furthermore, they imbue their possessors with immense power. Dean wants to keep grilling Balthazar but Cas puts the fire out, thus clearing his debt to his old friend. Balthazar flaps out, and Cas follows quickly thereafter, leaving Dean and Sam alone.

Sam and Dean pack up the trunk of the Impala (now that Sam’s car is totaled he’s back to riding with Dean). Dean asks if Sam’s feeling okay but Sam protests that he’s totally fine. Sam insists that he’s just rough around the edges but Dean’s not so sure. Sam was in Hell and Hell is...Hell. Sam floats the idea that Hell was torture for Dean, but Sam’s made of stronger stuff. (Me: wraps Dean in a soft, woolen blanket.) The episode closes with the brothers hopping in the car together, Dean intensely uncomfortable and suspicious.

The Last Time Someone Quoted at Me Like This, I Got Laid:

Who died and made you boss?

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray to Castiel to get his feathery ass down here.

“It’s nice to know what matters.” “It does help one to focus.”

I think we can rule Moses out as a suspect.

Friggin’ angels.

I was expecting more Doctor No, less Liberachi.

You might as well blow coke and jump on the bed.