#more interesting than many of their adult entries?

[cenvast]

Rin, Kabru, & Toshiro: On Asian Identity

I have a lot of thoughts about Rin's identity as a second-generation Asian refugee and how it impacts her relationships with other characters, especially Kabru.

I see Rin as being Indonesian specifically. The name "Rinsha" is of Muslim Arabic origin. In real life, Indonesia has one of the largest Muslim populations in the world, so what might seem like a geographically incompatible name works if Rin is the Dungeon Meshi equivalent of Indonesian.

Rin also says that her parents came from an island that isn't Wa, and Indonesia is a series of islands.

In her Adventurer's Bible entry, she's described as having "no real knowledge or attachment to the East" because "she's second-generation." She also clarifies to Mickbell that she was "born here." From this character description and her dialogue, we get the sense that Rin doesn't really identify with being Asian.

As noted in this Rin masterpost, a large part of this is because she was denied her parents' cultural identity by the elves. They likely suppressed any cultural markers she had and denied her information about her heritage. Since she wasn't born in the Eastern Archipelago and her parents died when she was young, she understandably hasn't inherited a lot of cultural knowledge.

Rin seems to have internalized ethnic self-hatred. Her disconnect from the East and her unwillingness to remedy that disconnect suggests that she has shame surrounding her Asian identity.

Again, she doesn't have many opportunities to interact with people from her parents' homeland, and her trauma also impacts her behavior. Remembering her parents is probably painful, considering the horrible way they died, and since they're her main connection to her cultural heritage, it makes sense that she wouldn't broach the topic.

You could also argue that Rin identifies more with her Northern identity than her Eastern identity since she was born and raised in the North for the first eleven years of her life, and as a result, she doesn't feel the need to connect with her parents' culture. But considering her home was presumptively still steeped in her parents' culture and her main association with the North is probably her parents' murders, this seems unlikely.

It's important to note how different her experiences are from the story's other Asian characters', like Toshiro's, for example. Toshiro travels to the Island as an adult of his own volition (technically, his father's). He's completely culturally Eastern. In comparison, Rin's parents fled from the East. Her family had to assimilate into an unfamiliar Northern culture, and later, she was "raised" by western elves, who are coded as colonizers in text. She seems to have internalized the elves' suppression of her culture and the way assimilating to the North required them to discard parts of their heritage. Her lack of interest in her culture seems learned.

Her strong attachment to Kabru further complicates her relationship with her Asian identity. I see Kabru as Indian or Nepalese; his name derives from a mountain on the border between India and Nepal. On top of being the only person who treats her like a human being during her childhood, Kabru is the only other significant Asian person in her life. They share the trauma of their parents having been brutally murdered and being raised imperfectly (much more severely in her case) by elves. While in the elf's care, they're both othered as tallmen— this aspect is strongly emphasized in the text — and in the main story, they're othered as Asian people in its European-inspired setting. Their shared experiences as Asian refugees are the foundation of their close bond.

It's not a stretch to assume that Rin consequently views Kabru as her main connection to being Asian. While they're from very different parts of fantasy Asia, their experiences as Asian refugees still overlap significantly as seen above, and the way she clings to Kabru suggests she wants to connect more with her culture, but for the previously stated reasons, she doesn't prioritize it. Besides, she doesn't have good models for what embracing one's cultural identity as a refugee/immigrant looks like. Just like her, Kabru doesn't seem to have many cultural ties, similarly because of his upbringing with the elves.

Toshiro could completely topple Rin and Kabru's original dynamic. Rin doesn't seem to like Toshiro. Their personalities would probably clash at first, because just like him, she's prone to judgment, out of self-preservation, and she's quiet. One of their canonical interactions is being captured by the orcs together; they don't even speak to each other in this scene.

Kabru and Toshiro become friends by the story's conclusion. Deep down, Rin might feel threatened by this. She's been Kabru's closest Asian friend up until this point. Toshiro, as an Asian person who was born and raised in his culture, might seem like a "better Asian" and thus, Kabru's replacement for her. This would be the worst projection of her buried insecurity over her disconnect from being Asian and how it potentially separates her from other Asian people. Given her personality, I doubt she would express this beyond acting wary around Toshiro.

With time, Rin, Kabru, and Toshiro could resolve her fears and the deeper issues they point to by all becoming friends. Interacting with other Asian people would heal her. She appears unphased by Mickbell's microaggression, implying it isn't an uncommon occurrence; she seems to only hang out with Kabru and their party. Being around other people of color would lessen the amount of othering she experiences and grant her a break from defending her identity.

Beyond the potential for cultural exchange and bonding over being Asian in fantasy Europe, Rin and Toshiro are also very similar in character. They're both anxious, quiet, and caring. If they made a little effort, they'd relate to each other and get along well.

Ideally, Rin would also befriend Hien, Benichidori, and the other girls in Toshiro's party. Kabru and Toshiro have their own issues with their treatment of women, so without positive Asian female friendships, she'd have another issue on her hands. Still, Kabru could be the bridge to a friendship with Toshiro, and Toshiro could be the bridge to friendships with his retainers. And with mutual growth, they could all enjoy each other's friendships.

Rin herself points out the vast cultural differences and language barriers between different parts of the East. The Asian characters of DunMeshi might not always share culture, but because of the story's setting in fantasy Europe, many of them experience being nonwhite in a mostly white locale. A support system of other people of color could allow Rin the space to explore her identity and culture and begin healing from her childhood trauma.

[whattraintracks]

I kinda feel we didn’t much of raph and splinter’s relationship in 03 thoughts?

Hmm, I suppose that's fair. I've heard it said that 03 isn't a very character-driven story, and I agree we don't see as many character dynamics or arcs explored as we could have.

Below the cut are the pieces of Raph and Splinter's relationship I've pieced together for myself.

Splinter's bio on Raph in Tales from the Sewer presents this interesting duality in Splinter's perception of him. He's a difficult child but just a kid. He trains the most but he's a difficult student. He makes poor decisions but Splinter has the utmost faith in his abilities. As both father and teacher, Splinter sometimes struggles to approach his sons and their needs in the appropriate role, especially when it comes to Raph.

For example, his hands-off approach to Raph's rage, or what I usually think of as emotional dysregulation (either as a product of neurodivergence or his young age). When Raph nearly maims Mikey during a rage attack/dissociative episode (see S1E4 "Meet Casey Jones") Splinter doesn't try to stop Raph or separate him and Mikey, although he very well could have. He doesn't step in until after Leo and Donny have broken up the fight. Despite addressing Raph parentally, he comes at the issue like a teacher offering those ninja master-esque nuggets of wisdom about rage being a monster and a true warrior is balanced in all things. I think he wants to come across sympathetically (gentle voice, physical contact, calling Raph "my son") but there is a sense of disappointment and unmet expectations in what he says.

In the aforementioned bio, Splinter notes that of all the turtles, Raph trains the longest and hardest. He likely equates length of training with dedication to ninjutsu and assumes that because Raph exhibits these things he should be something he isn't: more disciplined less angry. Perhaps he compares Raph to Leo who apparently trains less but fits Splinter's prototype of a good ninja. Speaking of Leo, later in the same episode we see Splinter chastise Mikey and Donny for interrupting Leo's practice and tell Leo to keep practicing his split kick without offering any advice on how to get it right.

We see this idea directed to Raph in Splinter's comment about a true warrior finding balance in all things. It's not particularly informative. This is his version of telling Raph to keep practicing but it's not what Raph needs at this moment, hot off such an overwhelming experience. So instead of reading this as the patient, parental advice I think Splinter intends it to be, Raph's body language screams chastised. He doesn't meet Splinter's eyes and he runs away. Raph (like all of the brothers) wants Splinter's approval and he's devastated to have fallen short in this instance. Then Splinter doesn't let Mikey follow after Raph. And yeah, Raph likely needed that space but it's this hands-off approach, again. Another example comes from the one of Raph's diary entries in the Raphael: Collector Book. He talks about Splinter assigning him more meditation exercises to help him control his emotions and temper. Perhaps training, space, meditation, and nuggets of wisdom are effective tools for Splinter to self-regulate his emotions, but Splinter is also an adult. Raph needs more guidance and practical advice at this point in his life that Splinter isn't providing. The tools aren't enough, he needs to be taught how to use them.

So. Raph responds in a couple ways to Splinter's hands-off, more-teacher-than-father approach. The first is to train harder, and longer, and learn everything he can about ninjutsu. If Master Splinter says becoming a true warrior will help him find emotional balance then he's going to try his hardest to become one. When he meets Casey, he shares with him verbatim the true warrior line but confesses to Casey he's not sure how hot-heads like them are supposed to do that. He still takes the advice to heart even if it's not helpful or he doesn't understand it because he wants to please and obey his father. The collector's book shows us that Raph has taken the time to learn aspects of ninjutsu that are confusing, uninteresting, and even inaccessible to him. This book contains a lot of technical information about ninjutsu techniques and teachings. It presents Raph as even more of ninja nerd than Leo! Some of this stuff appeals to his interests, for sure; the different punching techniques for instance. Some of it, he seems to have only learned to gain Splinter's approval. He has a detailed spread on hand signs that he explicitly finds too mystical and confusing, claims it took forever to learn, and he can't even use it as a three-fingered being, but he hopes Splinter will be impressed with him.

Second, he goes behind Splinter's back. If there's something he wants or needs and he thinks Splinter won't approve of it, he'll take it for himself. Such as going to the surface when he needs space or bringing his brothers to the surface when he thinks there's something important they need to do. This feels, to me, like access thievery, which is the concept (typically applied to disabled/neurodivergent folks) of taking what one needs (time, space, resources) without asking for permission or waiting to be offered it (because you likely won't be). Again in the collector's book, Raph exhibits an awareness of his faults and a self-compassionate recognition that he's just a teen. Splinter know this too but has shown that he can't always offer what Raph needs or won't give him it in some cases (forbids them from going to the surface). So Raph has developed a willingness to take what he needs for himself and sneak around Splinter to avoid the disapproval he fears.

All that aside, I think they're very similar in their fierce love and devotion to family and the ways it can drive them to anger, fear, hatred, and vengeance. There are traits Raph inherited from Splinter they bond over, too. They're both competitive. The Battle Nexus Tournament isn't their thing but we see them playing pokey in "Dragons Rising." I love the idea that they play a lot of games together! They have a similar sense of humility. They know they're skilled but they're more likely hang back and play support while their other family members take the spotlight than boast. Unless it's really personal, then they'll take over, like how Splinter's quest for vengeance guides them in Exodus and Raph's desire to help Casey leads the brothers to sneak out with him in "Meet Casey Jones." I think, they have a similar sense of humor, too. Raph has this silly line in the collector's book about Splinter being proud he used his head, that is, like a battering ram, and you cannot tell me Splinter wouldn't chuckle at that.

[oonajaeadira]

Detected

Fandom: Merge Mansion / Tim Rockford

Pairing: Tim Rockford x f!reader

Reader: Adult female. No other physical descriptors; no use of y/n.

Rating: T. Fluff.

Warnings: Mention of serial killer that targets women.

Summary: Nobody sees you the way Tim does.

A/N: I dunno, I just had a hankering to write for Tim and looked down my list of tropes thinking I might be able to scratch the itch and accomplish a fic for my Year of Tropes at the same time. Something hit me in the right places for a little piece of sweetness, so here we go, with SECRET IDENTITY.

This is really fluffy. Like stupid fluffy. Moreso than my regular stuff. Just let me have my little trope. This one didn't go through a lot of draft revisions, it was just a fun little thot that needed out.

“Why don’t you take the afternoon off, Sunshine? Get some rest. You’ve been here ten days straight.”

Tim’s the only detective in the unit who talks to you directly, certainly the only one that doesn’t just call you ‘hon’ or ‘sweetheart’ or ‘girl.’ You’re pretty sure he’s probably the only one in the department that knows your name, but he rarely uses it. 

That isn’t unusual. You’ve always been the quiet one, the mouse, the wallflower. It’s your superpower, being able to go unnoticed. You’ve never been reprimanded, never bad-talked, never held up as a bad example.

But then, neither do you often find yourself praised or called in for opinion. Never once have you been asked to join anyone for happy hour or coffee.

So many times you’ve been standing in a meeting room and not once been addressed. So many times you’ve overheard something that perhaps you shouldn’t have just because you were below anyone’s notice.

It bothered you so much more when you were younger. Not the case anymore.

You’ve learned to love your quiet life, shuffling around the records room, carefully tagging and bagging, filling out the document cards, compiling files, taking meticulous photos of items for court cases and detective scrutiny. Nobody comes looking for you, so you get to take your time, a kind of professional meditation. At least once a week you notice a detail on a piece of evidence that you might make known to one of the team. Usually this gets you a thanks, but more often times a brush off that ends in the detective later gaining the credit for the discovery.

Tim is different. Observant. He actually listens when you bring him something of interest and asks for your opinion or your second eye. He still does that thing where he puts the pictures of people and evidence you provide up on the wall and connects it with string. He will stare at that board for hours, getting up every now and then to pace, then turning the chair around to straddle it backwards so he can lean over the back and look again, hoping to find the one connection that the string can’t touch.

And yet, even when he’s concentrating this hard, he’s fully aware of his surroundings.

So much so that he even notices you’ve slipped into the room to stand behind him--you, who goes mostly unnoticed when standing in full view of most people.

When you don’t answer him, he turns his chin back over his shoulder, his sharp profile coming into relief against the organized mess of the illuminated case wall. 

He’s so very handsome. And it’s a shame he doesn’t seem to know. Or care.

Snapping free of your musings, you finally answer. “Yeah, it’s been a busy week. I’ve still got the Murray case to document. There’s a lot of entries.”

Turning fully to look at you now, he takes his time formulating a new response. “That case is closed. There’s no hurry. You work too hard. It’s Saturday.”

You shrug and smile. “I like my job. And you're one to talk.” Nodding to the evidence wall, you step more fully into the room. “Any movement on this? Sure I can’t help you? Anything I can pull from archives?”

This is a tough one. There’s a lot of speculation as to the mangled bodies in the pictures. A new one found last night, a week old. The probability is high that there’s one club downtown that’s producing them all and a definite suspect, but the record’s clean. There’s no grounds for warrants.

He gives you one more thoughtful glance before turning back to his work. “Not unless you have anything that correlates this last one to Club 88 or to Mike Cross. But no. Thanks. Get out of here, live your life, be free. I’m gonna go grab an interview out at the pier but then I’ll be here all night.”

He’s hungry. You can see that look in his eyes, he’s close, he just needs that one connecting piece of evidence and he’ll empty the coffee pots in the breakroom tonight looking for one.

“You’re hungry, Detective Rockford. At least let me call in some takeout for you before I go? Lau’s number 22 with chicken, right?”

He simply nods. “Thanks, Sunshine.”

“You got it, Detective.”

—-

Your pager goes off two hours later.

Special case. Could use your help. Pier 13.

You’ve been waiting for the call.

Upon arriving home from the department, you’d closed your blinds and turned off the lights, pulled on the dark pants and long fitted coat, tucked your hair up under the black hood and pulled it low. Gloves. Boots. Plain and unassuming in this fall weather.

You’re able to walk out the back door of your apartment building and take a path through the alley as the sun is setting without anyone giving you a second glance.

The only piece of your disguise you truly need is the vocal changer mask, but that stays tucked in your coat pocket until you arrive at the pier.

Once you can smell the water, you take a moment to hide your face, your voice, and your identity under the dark, nondescript mask–a blank slate of void where a face should be–before stepping out of the alleys and making your way to pier 13 where Tim Rockford stands looking out over the harbor at the lights starting to come on over the bridge.

“What can I do for you, Detective?” The voice that grates out of your mask is low, warped, almost sultry.

Tim, for all his awareness, misses your entrance. This is the strength of your powers. Snapping out of his reverie, he spins to find you only feet away, your long coat fluttering in the breeze.

And an awed smile spreads across his face.

Tim is the only one on the force that smiles when you show up as the Shadow. The rest of the cops tend to startle, recoil, not understanding how you simply seem to appear out of the air, unfold from the shadows, melt into the darkness itself.

“Thanks for coming, Shadow,” he says, his trenchcoat joining in the fluttering conversation of overwear. Pulling a few pictures out of his pocket, he holds them out and you take them.

A new mangled body. A hurried photo of a man with light skin and dark hair and blue eyes. A blown-up scan of license plate. You recognize them from his evidence board but say nothing, letting him make the request.

He explains the supposed serial killings, the patterns, the suspect, the license plate that isn’t his but was caught on surveillance near a couple of the dumping grounds.

“I’m pretty sure it’s him,” he concludes, poking at the photo of Mike Cross, “but I’m lacking something damming.”

“You mean you're 100% sure it's him. You're a thorough man; wouldn't just jump to conclusions. And you want me to go hunting.”

“I’d rather you just go take a listen. I don’t really want you to put yourself in danger.”

It’s a good thing he can’t see you smile. Trust Tim Rockford to be the one detective that worries about the safety of the city’s resident secret, pacifist vigilante. 

“I’m touched by your concern, Detective. But I haven’t been caught yet. Even if danger catches a glimpse of me, I’m very good at hiding.”

“I know. But it’s only a matter of time before somebody really sees you.” He smiles a little sadly. “I wish you wouldn’t hide from me. But I know why you do.”

It should be surprising–it’s not like him to cross this line–but instead, his statement warms you. Tim has always been grateful for the Shadow’s help, respectful, believed in your ability. But he’s also come to treat the Shadow as a friend. There’s something that tugs at your heart, knowing this dedicated, handsome, intelligent man truly trusts you but also respects and admires your limitations.

If only he knew how much you wish you could tell him, show him, let him know how much you admire him too.

He only blinks when you seem to melt into thin air, becoming one with the lengthening shadows.

_____

Club 88. The back alley. A black car belonging to Mike Cross. Nobody here to notice you but the rats as you duck around the back and inspect the bumper, find a magnetized plate cover hidden underneath that matches the photo in your pocket.

There’s the connection. Now for something that threads the needle.

_____

Maskless and hatless, you simply take up a serving tray and follow Mike Cross and a young pretty thing through the swinging “employees only” door and down a back corridor of the dark, thumping night club. Making yourself busy with empty bottles on the tray, you watch him pay a man and step into a private room with the girl. The man goes to find something else to do, nearly knocking your shoulder as he passes, as if you’re simply a tower of inventory boxes or a rogue tray of dirty dishes…or just some random hostess he doesn’t have time for.

Easy.

You’re able to enter the dimmed room under the guise of bringing in bottle service. The couple doesn’t even notice you while they make out on the couch in the VIP lounge. You simply dip your hand into the pocket of the jacket he’s left on a chair and lift his wallet. 

Might as well take the gun that’s there too. Just in case.

Time to get moving while he’s distracted.

_____

Using the address on the ID in his wallet, you make your way across town.

It’s easy enough to slip past the doorman. Unfortunately though, Mike’s apartment building has security cameras on every floor. This calls for a little distraction. Easy enough. All you need is the pad of paper and pen you carry in your pocket.

Knock on door 312. Explain you’re responding to a noise complaint in apartment 313. There is no apartment 313? That’s odd. Maybe it was apartment 311? 

When the occupants of 311 and 312 speculate over the possibilities–which apartment was the loud one? Who called in the complaint? They bet it was 211 down there, what a bitch….

It’s just enough time for you to use your jiggler key to work open the lock for Mike’s apartment and slip inside. Not only have they seemed to forgotten about you, but if anyone ever plays back the security tapes, their eyes will just slide right over you and concentrate on the gossiping neighbors in the hall.

Mike’s apartment is clean and sparse. By the looks of the set up of the living room, he likes to sit in the center of the couch, put his feet up on the coffee table while he drinks his beer (water ring stains on the veneer top) and watches tv. Not much on the walls. Books on the bookshelf, but no knicknacks.

You don’t know what you’re looking for yet, but you’ll know it when you find it.

There are a few places you start. The drawers in the kitchen. The freezer. The bedside table. Shelves in the closet. Medicine cabinet. Somewhere you'd stash something unassuming but precious but that you don't want anyone else to come across and ask questions.

But it’s as you pass back out through the bedroom, and lightly push the door open a bit wider that you hear a clinking and tapping on the other side.

There, hanging off a hook on the back of the bedroom door, is a silver chain.

With five women’s rings on it.

Yahtzee.

You snap a few photos with your phone before moving through the apartment again, looking for anything else, just in case your first instincts were wrong.

But your instincts are very rarely wrong.

Criminals love trophies. Little keepsakes of their thrills. Look for a collection of something that seems out of place and you’ve probably found your clue.

You’re just about to call it good and head out when you hear a key turning in the lock.

No need to panic, you’ve got this.

As Mike enters and kicks off his shoes before making his way to the bathroom, all you have to do is stand silently beside the far side of the bookshelf.

He doesn’t even turn on the light. Even easier.

Once the bathroom door closes, you’re able to silently slip out.

“It’s only a matter of time before somebody really sees you.”

Doubtful, Tim. But I wish I could tell you how sweet your concern is.

____

True to form, Tim’s is one of the only lights burning at the office when you slide through the department well after midnight.

It’s not often that you show up here as the Shadow, but you make sure it’s only at night when most of the lights are out. Even if you’re seen engaging with one of them, the detectives all know to look the other way and not to ask questions when someone on the force has requested your services. 

They see nothing, and say less.

When you get to the back offices, you have to stop for a moment in the shadows and take in the scene.

Tim’s here in the dim room, standing at a desk full of evidence bags. The one with the knife in it lays on a lightbox, the glow of which reaches up to caress his face, dragging at his cheeks and the bags under his eyes, his brow and bottom lip succumbing to the pull of contemplation.

You have to wonder if the detective has any joys outside of his work, if he reads or paints, if he’s into woodworking or collecting memorabilia. You often find yourself wishing you had the means to learn more about him and find yourself watching him from across the office as if you could read it in the stretch of his aching neck, in the hunch of his gun-holstered shoulders. 

But you’ve grown used to your quiet life. You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if someone else actually paid you enough attention to let you into their life–

“What have you got for me?” he asks, and you flinch. He hadn’t even turned around.

“Plenty," you rasp through the voice modulator. "How did you know I was here?”

“I always notice you,” he says. “And I could ask you the same thing.”

“Where else would you be?”

“I have a home.”

“Do you ever go there?”

He laughs and finally turns. “Yeah, not lately.”

Emerging from the darkness, you hand him a few photos you ran off from your phone at home, knowing he'd appreciate the analog. There's the plate cover. The ID. The chain of rings. You also hand over the gun you pinched. “Just in case you need to run a match on any casings.”

It’s here that Tim’s look grows sour. “You took this off him?” Then he tilts his head, scanning the photos. “This one…taken inside his house?”

“Yes. Most likely a collection of his trophies–”

“You went into his house??”

His intensity stops you. Something’s….wrong. “It was necessary. I wasn’t seen.”

“I told you, nothing dangerous. What if he’d come home?”

“He did.” This gains an unprecedented look of alarm from the otherwise calm and calculated man. “I told you, Detective, I wasn’t seen. I never am. That’s what I do.”

“That’s not the point, Sunshine. He murders women and dumps their bodies. This is different from the drug smugglers and counterfeit runners you usually surveil…”

He stops, registering what he just said only a couple of seconds after you do, a calm sigh of regret washing over him before being replaced by the bloom of concern.

You could choose to ignore it.

But it's useless. Tim would never let an assumption take hold as truth unless he had absolute proof. He’s the best. The best of the best and doesn’t even know it. So long you’ve wished to tell him, to make him see what you see in him, but it would mean opening yourself, becoming visible, being seen.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This is your superpower, this anonymity, this blurring at the edges, this void of connection…

And you should back away when he approaches.

But you don't want to. 

Nor do you dodge as he slowly reaches up to remove your mask. Your hood. Fits his palm to your jaw and runs the length of a cheekbone with his thumb. “It doesn’t work on everyone, Sunshine. Not if they really want to see you.”

As his warm, weary brown eyes find yours, two thick, generous tears spill down your cheeks, two surprising hot spikes of your heart right there on your face. It’s like being thrust underwater without the chance to take a breath, the panic of suddenly being the center of someone’s attention, and you gasp for air only to release a sob, slapping both hands to your face in embarrassment.

Tim doesn’t pry your hands away, he merely runs a knuckle over one as if to say, hey, you’re still hiding.

And you realize that you are.

When you finally don’t have to be.

When you lower your guard, he’s waiting there patiently to welcome you back.

“You okay?” he asks, handing you a napkin for your tears.

Nodding, you take it and use it quietly before swallowing, trying to steady a voice out in the open. “What now?”

He looks pointedly over at his desk and gestures for you to head over there. “I thought maybe we’d start with dinner. I figured you'd come by.”

There are two Chinese takeout boxes on the blotter, both bearing a code in black ink. 

22C. His standard.

Lucky13. Your favorite. With the sauces on the side, just like you like it.

Speechless, you look at him in awe. You do see me.

And he tucks his hands in his pockets, softening back at you with a look that can only be described as Yeah.

_____

In the following days you’re able to hunt down photos of the killer’s victims that clearly display their hands and the rings that you found in his apartment.

Undercover targets are planted in the club to entice Mike Cross, and sure enough, he takes one to the back room, pays for privacy, extra for a later cleanup, but gets caught with his fingers around her throat as a whole squad breaks down the door to take him into custody.

There’s no doubt he will never see the outside of a prison again.

Club 88 is shut down and a long investigation into its ownership and practices begin. The Shadow is called in by the investigating team for your fly-on-the-wall services and at first you’re afraid that perhaps, now that you’ve been seen, that the shine of your powers has dimmed or–to be more precise–a newfound confidence makes you even brighter than before.

On the contrary, you’ve never felt more powerful or more in control of your abilities. 

Perhaps because the one person who can detect your sunshine also pours pride into your shadow.

Or maybe it’s the regular diet of Lucky Number 13 and a new morning view these days. Who’s to say?

____

MASTERLIST

CHARACTER MASTERLIST

[crow-caller]

A lot of terrible ideas have a nugget of a good idea in them. Of the terrible books you've read, which one stands out as the most, "if someone less insane and better at writing got a hold of this idea, it could be quite good"?

There's few books I've covered which I don't think this about! The more bombastic failures often are the ones I see more potential, as opposed to more commonplace sucking (we can't improve hush hush. let's just leave it)

REAPER'S CREEK! It haunts me how much potential there is to explore what the book almost does: what if you were 12, abused, and learned you could rewrite all of existence to be anything you wanted? That's the premise of the book, and it serves as a clear power fantasy for the author I'm not sure he ever separated himself from. The odd choices later made by the god-kid protagonist reflect the fact he Can't grow up- there's absolute horror there. He can have everything he wants, forever: how is he meant to grow or mature? He accidentally removes his mother's eyes and makes her love him anyway. He maybe forces a girl he has a crush on to love him. He removes his best friend's free will. The book (unfortunately) deserves more credit than I think it gets for engaging with these themes at all, but it does it so badly when it could be really good. Child abuse as a cudgel which traps someone perpetually in childhood even when it becomes detrimental to them becoming an adult

PERFECTED! A book about human pets is a really good idea and that's why it has existed before and will again. There's so many angles to explore this, whether it be the personhood of the inhuman or the dehumanization of the oppressed. The culture and history of how this becomes normalized could be fascinating social commentary. You could let Missy live. This one you'd need to scrap like, the entire plot and most of the concept, but you could still stick to the 'wealthy luxury humanoid pets for the mega-elite raised to know no other life' basis.

TENDER IS THE FLESH This is my most controversial review and look, I wish I'd gone into more detail too, but I still don't like the book. But it's obviously a great concept, like Perfected, about a world where eating human flesh has become normalized. Tender just really failed to execute the deeper themes of capitalism and dehumanization in my opinion but the concept is very solid. This is why it's a concept that exists in many other pieces of media. We love cannibalism.

THE COMMAND MENT! Okay, again we would be doing such radical change it wouldn't be the same thing, but the idea of 'we proved god is real so we invented a vaccine to keep his influence out of our brains' is really really funny and could be interesting. This could probably happen in FL.

FALLEN! The rare 'very generic para-ro' entry, but Fallen actually has potential it nearly explores about reincarnation horror. I've been really into the idea of a para-ro twist based on Fallen, where someone learns they're the reincarnated true love of an angel, destined to meet and be together... but then realizes (as she does in the book!) every time the angel meets her, he causes her death, usually at age 16. Suddenly his pledges to be together, the fact he remembers when she doesn't, becomes sinister. he loves her so much he can't stop killing her.

[choicesmonthlychallenge]

Choices March Challenge 2024

I asked and you answered. It seems like flowers and spring are prompts you are interested in for the March Challenge!

I hope you enjoy the prompts I chose. There is a mix of flowers, spring related words, March holidays, dialogue prompts, and visual floral prompts. I also posted some floral dividers that you're welcome to use.

Have Fun + Happy Creating!

Prompts + Guidelines below the cut!

Flowers (these are some possibilities, but all flowers are accepted)

Bleeding Heart Flower

Carnation

Chrysanthemum

Coneflower

Corpse Flower

Daffodil

Daisy

Gladiolus

Hydrangea

Iris

Jade Vine

Lavender

Lilac

Lily

Marigold

Moonflower

Nightshade

Orchid

Pansy

Peony

Poppy

Rose

Snapdragon

Sunflower

Tulip

Wildflowers

Spring

Awakening

Baby animals

Butterflies

Clear skies

Daylight saving

Fresh air

Growth

New Life

Outdoor activities + sports

Picnics

Rain boots

Rainy days

Renewal

Spring cleaning

Sunny weather

Warm temperatures

Longer days

Umbrella

March Holidays (these are some possibilities, but all March Holidays are accepted)

March 01: National Peanut Butter Lover's Day

March 08: International Women's Day

March 09: National Barbie Day + Get over it Day

March 11: National Napping Day

March 15: The Ides of March

March 16: National Panda Day

March 17: St. Patrick's Day

March 18: Awkward Moments Day

March19: First day of spring

March 23: National Puppy Day

March 30: National Take a Walk in the Park Day + Doctors' Day

March 31: Easter

Dialogue Prompts

"The flowers in the park seem to have a secret language, don't they?"

"Why does every spring bring back memories of that garden?"

"I can't believe you kept that secret from me all these years."

"Why do you always have to be so stubborn?"

"I never thought I'd see you again."

"Do you believe in second chances?"

"I thought we were in this together."

"You're not the person I thought you were."

"Sometimes silence speaks louder than words."

"Is it too late to start over?"

"I don't know who I am anymore."

"We're running out of time."

"Why are you really here?"

"Your laughter is my favorite melody."

"If our love story were a book, every page would be filled with the softest words and the sweetest kisses. What chapter are we on now?"

“Will you please shut up”

 “Of all the things i love about you, this is my favorite.”

Visual Prompts:

If one of these inspire a creative work from you feel free to use it. You can list the prompt topic + # (ie: Rainbow 3)

Guidelines + Rules

Submitted works will be featured on a weekly masterlist

Every form of creative work can be submitted: fanfiction, drabbles, moodboards, edits, drawings, poems, songs, sketches, and more—all are welcomed.

Work from any book and story from the Choices (and Pixelberry) universe are welcome (new and old alike)!

You can participate as many times as you want during the month

Clearly list the prompt your used

You can combine submissions for this event and others

Please add a cut to avoid long posts and exposing other fans to triggering/disturbing content.

If your work is NS*W please label it as such and use appropriate warnings. Adult content should be hidden under the page break.

You can get creative with the prompts. It can be a variation of the word and/or concept. It doesn’t have to be exact or literal. If the word inspires a train of thought that led you to something different, put that in the notes and send it in! Have fun with it! Make them work for you! The ultimate goal is just to find joy in creating!

Please tag @choicesmonthlychallenge​​ and if you’d like to add me you can do so as well~ @lovealexhunt​​​ (feel free to DM me your work too since Tumblr tags are fickle)

Please do not submit work that has been created with AI. Works that contain AI will not be reblogged. If reblogged inadvertently and I find out they have AI, they will be deleted.

Late entries will be accepted through April 5

[lucky-katebishop]

So I'm back to reading Robin 1993 comics after a few good months! Here are some of my favorite screenshots I took from issues 38-45 :D

Stephanie's internal monologue being depicted as diary entries are so cute! I think it's so innovative!

Batman has no fun :(

Tim wants to be Chandler Bing SO bad...

Ari's cliche teenage door signs I like to believe she either got ironically or her uncle got those for her because he saw them and thought "ah, yes, teenagers have signs like these"

I think Tim and Steph's relationship is really interesting in the early comics. Tim has so many problems as Tim and when he's Robin, he's able to shed his insecurities and problems and become someone that's confident. He refers a lot to his civilian life as Tim's and his superhero life as Robin's- they're separated because it makes it easier to compartmentalize, but it also helps him escape his troubles. Although these lines blur a lot- like when he stalks after Ives as Robin in these issues to see why Ives is skipping school and showing up with bruises. But I also see that Tim is able to be more confident as Robin because there's less emotional vulnerability- he's hiding a very important aspect of himself away. And during these issues, he's gotten in trouble with his dad and Ari's uncle and no one is listening to him, so I understand why he prefers to go out as Robin since it gives him a certain credibility amongst adults that would normally ignore him. What's interesting is that he recognizes that his separation of his lives is difficult, but he can't stop doing it.

Stephanie and Tim's relationship is skewed and their relationship exists with several different power balances. She makes him off kilter with her confidence, but he makes her off kilter by knowing her civilian name and referring her as that even in the heat of battle. He knows a lot about her (including her identity) but she doesn't know anything about him other than she's able to fluster him and tease him a lot. And I think that's part of the reason why Tim likes her so much- (besides being attracted to her and of her ability to keep up with him in their vigilante identities) but also he can hide his emotional vulnerability from her because he's constantly wearing a mask. She doesn't know anything about him- he's not an awkward teenager who often says the wrong thing and gets himself into trouble. He's not someone who adults ignore or straight up antagonize- when he's Robin, when he's with her, he's someone important. He's a hero. But he's not being inherently honest with her.

Some cute Tim/Steph screenshots :) -- (I do like them a lot, even though Tim's being annoying and cheating on Ari with her)

I haven't read Superboy yet but... this is Kon, right? Steph has a poster of Kon in her room? (If it's not him, please let me know!)

LOVE her outfit- I adore that we're seeing more of Steph in these issues.

Tim's love of Crocky <3 <3 <3 (he was fighting for his life with Alfred during this issue)

No one:

Tim: :D

Here's some appreciative animal screenshots

Dana Winters Appreciation Screenshot :)

Great parenting Jack...

I am so sick of this character. Why did Dixon keep putting him in here ugh

I-

Alright thanks for getting this far if you did! I'm back reading comics so here's to more of this silly little series! :D

[hezekiahwakely]

After spending literally multiple days and nights listening to hours of new music, here are my thoughts on what the Protocol playlists might tell us about the characters. I'm gonna break it down by large themes and I'm putting it under a read more bc I don't know how to not ramble about this. its SO MUCH

Gwendolyn Bouchard 👁️

Hers is the most self-explanatory. Girlboss is girlbossing and paying for it. But I did pick up several nuances.

Gwen is: Cold, power-hungry, and ambitious (you should see me in a crown, Are You Satisfied?, Severance theme). Suffering from her own hubris (Oh No!, Gasoline). Resentful and envious, especially about family, wealth, and power (Family Jewels, 24 hours, Warriors). Touching the dark and being supernaturally influenced (Mr. Bonzo theme, Evil Eye, We Don't Talk About Bruno, Making Love to the Dead).

Special mention to the 'daddy's money' reference in 24 hours.

Samama Khalid 😶‍🌫️

Sam makes ridiculously long playlists, like me, so this entry is gonna be long, but the emotional vibes were pretty easy to pick out once I got through it.

Sam is: Straight chillin' to some lo-fi beats, desi hip hop, and melodic bops (literally too many to list but, Remind Me, Forgive the Mess, 93 'Til Infinity, Magpie, Fire Sale, Iniesta Flow, I Guess, Prarthana, Hai Hai, etc., etc.). Rebellious (The Adults Are Talking, Reptilia). Bonded with someone (Halo Flip, soulboy). Yearning, romantic, and playful (Girl Like You, Mr. Sandman, New House, Meteor, You Only Live Once, Be Your Girl, Dear Jean, Say The Word, My Girl/Hey Girl, Smiley, The Real Sugar). Reminiscing about a break-up (Oui, Afterparty Lover, Last Nite, Stick Season, Turn off the Lights, Jessie (i miss you), WONDERING, Afterthought, I Love You, I'm Trying). Full of regrets, pain, and melancholy bitterness (Seasons, Can't Call It, Let It Go, nightmares, Pretty Insane, different tomorrow..., Cigarette Daydreams, CABIN FEVER, Self destruct, Go Back, Stuck Here With Me, Bliss City). Alienated, yet wanting to be alone (uh-oh) (Creep, Alone, Stone cold., Paint it, Black).

Special shout-out to all the implications about the old Sam/Alice relationship. And I'm especially worried by the potential meanings of Downside Up, Let It Go, Go Back, and Stuck Here With Me.

Also, interesting that there's a lyric-free track just called 'drained' at the end of his playlist. I'm sure that's fine.

Alice Dyer 🌀

Oh my girl. What is going on with you. She has impeccable and predictable taste, at least. But... then there's the Ominous Implications again...

Alice is: Rebellious, anarchic, and irreverent (Underclass Hero, Toxicity, Tribute, Buddy Holly, Dragostea din tei, Feel Good Inc., Piss Off, Rebel Rebel, Ghost Town, Brimful of Asha, Surrender, Uncle Walter, United States of Whatever). Blasting high-confidence power anthems (Material Girl, Therefore I Am, Jump, Bad Reputation, The Middle). Depressed behind a mask of high energy and false cheeriness (SugarCrash!, Mad World, Bathroom Floor). Yearning after someone's love (A.M. 180, Zombie Love Song, Nearer Than Heaven, Save Tonight, Ms. California, Because I Love You, Fell In Love With A Girl, Take Me Out). Reminiscing about a break-up (Ciao!, Built This Way, Kidz 'N' Stuff, FRIENDS, Free Fallin', Not In Love, Who Knew, Song for the Dumped, When It All Falls Apart, Laid, Complicated). Feeling crazy and overwhelmed (uh-oh) (Basket Case, In Too Deep, Bonkers, I'm A Robot, Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, 19-2000, Wonderland, High, Undone, Cosmic Castaway). Creeped out and brushing up against the supernatural (Walking On Air, The Blue Wrath, Pet Sematary).

Oooh. Oh, the implications. The Sam/Alice break-up. The potential for feelings that remain. I HAVE to know what happened between them.

Also, here are some select lines from five Alice songs presented without comment: "Yeah, I'm a zombie, baby," "I'm a robot, I'm a robot/I don't have any feeling in my heart," "I don't wanna be buried in a Pet Sematary/I don't want to live my life again," "Take me down, six underground/The ground beneath your feet," "Walking like a zombie, like a zombie."

I'm sure that's all fine.

Celia Ripley 🕸️

The most mysterious new member of the OIAR, her music choices are appropriately enigmatic. The Vibes make me excited to see what she's hiding under the surface.

Celia is: Raring for a fight (Seven Nation Army, Rumble, know your place, Run from Me). Fed up with the system (Blood//Water, Run You). Bold, sexy, headstrong, and self-confident (Creature, Took A Trip, River, Do It For Me, Aerials, Uber). Struggling against supernatural influence, feeling trapped and helpless (Mama! There's a Spider in My Room, Where Is My Mind?, I Feel Like I'm Drowning, Closer, Space Dementia, Rain)

So we've all but confirmed the theory that she's from the OG Archives timeline and that she has continuing ties to the Web from passing through Hill Top Road. I think we have hints here that she's manipulating the others, but I also think there are signs that she's fighting her own battle against an evil trying to take her. There also seems to be an overarching theme of water in many of her songs for some reason 🤔

I can't wait to get more of Celia. Even if she is lying, I'm rooting for her (<hoping this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass)

In conclusion, I love them all already your honor, and I want to thank the cast for putting such loving care into crafting these for us. Thank you for such great food to feed our wild theorizing.

[jupiterswasphouse]

WASP REVIEW - BEEDRILL (POKÉMON)

[Image ID: The official artwork for Beedrill, a Pokémon from the first generation of the Pokémon franchise /End ID.]

Now, if you're just stumbling upon this post you may be a bit confused or up in arms here. "Beedrill clearly isn't a wasp, it's a bee!", and that's an entirely fair assessment, it's in the name afterall! However, as returning readers may recall from last week, while they are generally described separately in conversation, from an entirely taxonomical perspective, bees are wasps themselves, having evolved from predatory wasps and being a sister lineage to the wasp family ammoplanidae.

Furthermore, in my opinion, with the seemingly slick surface layer of its presumably chitinous exoskeleton, Beedrill closer resembles a paper wasp rather than the more expected honey bee, having little to no setae/fur to speak of (most if not all wasps, including paper wasps, do have setae themselves, but only in a few families of wasps, such as Mutillidae or the bee families, are these easily visible to the naked eye).

[Image Source: Wikimedia Commons, L. Shyamal and CABI Digital Library, Muséum De Toulouse | Image IDs: A photo of the yellow, black, and brown paper wasp species Polistes olivaceus collecting wood to form its nest, followed by a photo of another, similarly colored species, Polistes dominula, with its wings outstretched /End IDs.]

This idea is strengthened by the Pokédex entry from Pokémon Crystal, which states that Beedrills will hunt down prey to bring it back to the nest, a behavior similar to that of Vespid wasps, only somewhat paralleled in eusocial bees by Vulture Bees, three species in the genus Trigona (But even then, they don't hunt prey down, they collect flesh from already dead carcasses, hence the comparison to vultures).

That, however, brings us to a very important question, that being, they bring it back to the nest for what, exactly? I can only assume that this is a type of food store for the fully evolved adult Beedrills, something that is not actually true at all for the real world Vespids. Many adult wasps are incapable of feeding on solid matter without it being liquified, so the paper wasps (as well as yellowjackets and hornets) carry their prey back to the nest to feed those of them that can actually eat it, their larvae.

This is where the Beedrill line gets particularly unusual and interesting. As you might recall if you know anything about Gen 1 of Pokémon, Beedrill evolves from Kakuna, which, in turn, evolves from Weedle.

[Image IDs: The official artwork for Weedle and Kakuna, two Pokémon from the first generation of the Pokémon franchise /End IDs.]

While the cells of a wasp nest are typically used to house the larvae, larvae of Beedrills, the Pokémon Weedle, are free roaming creatures, only becoming eusocial in the final stage of evolution, often found among plants, feeding on leaves (Not on the meat). Although Beedrills still appear rather defensive of their young, they can move around entirely on their own! This may be another thing that confuses Pokémon fans that are unfamiliar with Hymenoptera, as the free roaming and leaf eating form of Weedle sounds an awful lot like a caterpillar, especially with the addition of the tree hanging cocoon Pokémon, Kakuna. However, this perfectly aligns with some of the Hymenopteran ancestors of the modern day wasps, sawflies!

[Image Sources: ResearchGate sources One and Two, Bao-Zhen Hua | Image IDs: A collage of photos displaying multiple instances of the larva of the Sawfly species Arge pagana feeding on leaves, followed by another displaying the same species as prepupae on the top and pupae on the bottom /End IDs.]

Even in Kakuna sometimes being known to attach itself to trees using silk or a silk like material is true of sawflies, with many Hymenopterans (including the aforementioned sawflies, paper wasps, and honey bees) being capable of producing this material in their larval stage to create cocoons or reinforce their nest cells during their subsequent pupation.

As you might realize, as well, both Weedle and Kakuna, as well as Beedrills, regardless of sex, possess stingers (not visible in Kakuna, but stated in multiple Pokédex entries including Yellow, Gold, and Let's Go, although contradicted in Red/Blue and X/Y), this is untrue of sawflies in general as well as any young wasps or male wasps. The stinger is a modified ovipositor, a reproductive organ, and is specific to the suborder Apocrita.

I'm going to have to let this slide, among other things, though, as these three Pokémon are clearly, like all Pokémon, are highly fantastical in nature and not necessarily going for realism. I mean, Beedrills are not only missing a middle pair of legs but also have an extra two stingers on the end of their forelimbs (four, on both pairs, in the case of Mega Beedrill)!

It is also implied in a few instances that Beedrills produce honey, which is not only the case in the most famous honey producing insects, the honey bees, but is a trait that is surprisingly also found, to varying degrees, in some Vespid wasps, notably including Brachygastra mellifica and Polistes annularis!

All in all, Beedrill has fascinating inspiration/real world equivalents and a cool design, but can also be confusing in a few ways to entomologically analyze.

-

Overall: 6/10

-

This wasp was suggested by @shadybug , leave your wasp review suggestion in the replies, tags, or askbox!

[decepti-thots]

not a meme question, but do you have a favorite pen? i don't know anything about them but you seem to, lol

I do, but my answer will differ depending on if you're asking my personal favourite pen or if you want advice as someone who doesn't use FPs as to what a good way to try one out is, anon! (sorry you just ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD)

I currently have six fountain pens, five of which are 'starter'/budget pens and one of which is a mid-range 'enthusiast' pen. My favourite I own is the latter. It's my Nahvalur Original, which I own in the Spring colour, and which cost me around £45. It's a pen designed to exclusively take bottled ink with a fancy filling mechanism, instead of ink cartridges. It's not high end by the standards of fountain pens, per se, but it's solidly in the 'enthusiast' realm. (My Dad, who once owned an FP because he needed something that looked good while signing Important Work Documents, did a double take when I told him how much it was, lmao. He did not ever spend that much on one pen.) It is a hefty, lovely thing with great build quality which I can use with fancy ink and feels great to write with. Nice nib, great quality, looks awesome.

But if you have never used a fountain pen, and want to try it, you do not need to spend over £20 or your local equivalent, fwiw. Many cheap fountain pens suck, but equally, many people who have spent thirty years collecting them who own pens worth hundreds will happily tell you, many cheap fountain pens are excellent, and noone needs to spend much to get an industry-gold-standard one. My second favourite pen is my Pilot Kakuno, which is aimed mostly at schoolkids in Japan where Pilot are based, can be bought for under twenty pounds shipped in the UK, similar prices in most of the world, and writes better than multiple 'adult' pens I own. Because Pilot has incredible high quality pen nibs and the Japanese FP market is competitive. You could easily buy just a Kakuno and be set forever with a pen that is extremely good quality! And there's other similarly great options too; there's a whole section of the market that is just 'good pens for newbies'. The Lamy Safari is a very famous option from a western (german) brand, for example. (Also have one of those, it's good.)

If you want to try fancy fountain pen inks with special qualities like sparkle or sheen, you'll probably need to put down a little extra money for a converter- basically a refillable cartridge that refills from a little ink bottle, instead of the disposable ones most stationary shops sell. But you don't need that if you're happy with the normal ink cartridges. All cheap fountain pens accept cartridges, though the better brands do tend to require you buy their cartridges, unfortunately.

And if you REALLY don't want to risk it: buy a Platinum Preppy. Platinum are a very well regarded brand, they use the same nibs in their entry level pens as they do their £30 ones, just with cheaper gel pen like bodies- and they are like. £5. Comes with a cartridge. Writes great, I own one. Again, a Japanese brand aimed squarely at schoolkids, very cheap but genuinely good to write with.

(The one thing for fountain pens I would say is, do spend the extra little bit on a cheap notebook with fountain pen friendly paper. Same as with e.g. paints, good paper is more important than the pen a lot of the time. The worst fountain pen in the world on good paper is better than a £500 pen on shit paper. Here is a guide; I use Clairefontaine.)

anyway sorry maybe you didn't want all of that. but if you think fountain pens sound Interesting and are curious, i'd encourage you to try one, but buy cheap. many cheap pens rule. and fountain pens are great- they are better than almost every other kind of pen for doing longform writing, because they don't cause wrist strain when doing it for long periods. i would definitely recommend a fountain pen over other kinds if you want to use it to write for long periods, no matter what pen you get, tbh!

[crisalidaseason]

Seventeenth entry: sometimes you can’t interfere.

There are things above your capabilities, like dealing with dick measuring contests. What are you going to protect your ward from? two guys hopelessly infatuated with her? It’s more fun to watch them embarrass themselves.

****

Protecting Violet Sorrengail was a challenging task. She had many enemies waiting for a split second to slice her throat, a few people in leadership who clearly disliked her connection to Xaden, cadets who thought she was undeserving of her dragons and life - as if she was not the embodiment of an honorable rider. She was also very dangerous to herself and her living meant keeping his own brother in the realm of the living.

Liam managed though, even liked it on some levels. Violet was a nice friend, offered great advice and had an interesting view of the world so Liam made sure to be a damn good shadow. He spotted stabby fuckers and old distrustful scribes from a kilometer away, kept her from getting in trouble when her tongue ran a bit too acidic for Aeto’s taste, he enabled all her asinine ideas - you try to stop Violet Sorrengail from doing something.

But whatever was happening between her, Aetos and Xaden was something Liam could not even begin to interfere with.

Xaden Riorson and Dain Aetos were fucking staring at each other like two teenagers who were love struck by the same girl. They were adults. Riders. Liam supposed that being stupidly infatuated with Violet was not necessarily the bad part - good for her, honestly, she was very pretty - but the two men could at least try to be less pathetic about it. Xaden liked to cover his dislike over Aetos on the Colonel but Liam knew it was fueled by his jealousy over Violet - which was so stupid because she was just as disgustingly obsessed over his brother.

Liam was torn between amusement and frustration.

“What would our objective be, Aetos?”

Mira Sorrengail’s voice finally broke the staring contest and Aetos returned his focus on the mock-Battle brief and the map in front of them “What type of fortifications are there? Are we talking a haphazard wooden structure? Or something more substantial?”

“Like they had time to build a fortress overnight” Ridoc mumbled beside Liam “It has to be wooden, right?”

“You are all so fucking literal” Mira groaned, clearly annoyed at them “Fine, let’s say they occupied a keep that’s already established. Stone and all”

“But the civilians didn’t call for help?” Quin asked “Protocol calls for a distress signal this far into the mountains. They should have lit their distress beacon, alerting patrolling riders, at which time the dragons on patrol would have told all available dragons in the area. The very riders in this room would have mounted first as the reaction force and the others would have been woken from their rests, allowing the riders to prevent the loss of the keep in the first place.”

The older Sorrengail scoffed “Everything you’re taught at Basgiath is theory. You analyze past attacks and learn those very…theoretical combat maneuvers. But things out here don’t always go according to plan. So why don’t we talk about all the ways things can go sideways, so you’ll know what to do when they do, as opposed to arguing that the keep shouldn’t have fallen?”

Liam refrained from looking at Mira directly, but he could notice the weight of a rider’s life on her words. There was a typical arrogance of someone who knew more than them, but also a genuine warning and moment of teaching.

“How many of you have been called out as third-years?” she asked.

Both Emery and Xaden manifested themselves.

“That’s not correct. We’re never called into service until graduation” Aetos questioned.

“Yeah, all right” Emery spat “just wait until next year. I can’t count how many times we’re the ones sitting in these very rooms in the midland forts because their riders have been called to the front for an emergency”

The squad leader seemed to pale at the information and Liam almost felt bad for him. It was not necessarily a secret that cadets were called into service, but it was a rather recent change. Too bad that they had no idea why. Liam doubted even the lieutenants in that very room knew of the real danger outside their wards.

“Now that’s settled. Catch” Mira threw them dragon models.

Liam caught his with expertise, running a finger on the chunky and simple carving.

“Yours are better” Xaden muttered.

Liam smiled. Of course they were better. He was proud of them - which reminded him that he still did not finish Andarna.

“Pretend Messina and Exal don’t exist back there, and we’re the only squad available to take back that keep. Think of the power in this room. Think of what each individual rider brings to the table and how you’d use those powers in unison to conquer your objective”

Silence stretched for a few seconds. Liam waited for Aetos to speak but alas the man was fuming at Xaden. Emery was probably waiting on the first years to embarrass themselves and Quin was deep in thought. There was a frown on Ridoc’s face as he looked at Liam, running a hand on his brown curls in distress.

“But they don’t teach that to first-years” Liam countered to Mira, as neutral as possible.

He made the mistake of looking into the older Sorrengail’s face. Not that Liam felt necessarily intimidated by the woman, he could not afford to do so, but she had just as intense of a stare as her sister. The only difference was that Mira looked at him - and his relic - as if he was the danger. She looked at him and his proximity with her sister like something she needed to fix. Liam noticed, from his peripheral vision, as Xaden went rigid at the sight.

Fuck. That was not going to end well.

Clearing her throat, Violet shifted in her seat and leaned closer to Liam’s side. He glanced at her, expecting everything but finding her staring at Mira warningly. A very obvious message in her amber eyes. For a moment, the two sisters seemed to wrestle in silence - though communication was established within that simple share of looks - before Mira set her widened eyes on Liam again.

“They might not teach you this battle strategy as first-years because you’re all busy trying to stay on your dragons. You had your first taste of strategy during the Squad Battle, and it’s almost May, which means final War Games should be beginning, right?”

“Two weeks” Aetos replied.

But Liam could only think about how strange it felt to have Violet defend him - and Xaden by extent. It was not a bad feeling, just…strange. He always thought that loyalty was his mantra, the reason he continued moving and living - loyalty to his brother, his kin, his sister, his dragon. He was used to giving and receiving loyalty from a very specific set of people. There was something about Violet Sorrengail forsaking her blood ties for him - for them - that sent this constricting emotion down his throat.

Liam felt like fucking shit. Whenever he thought his guilt was under control, Violet had to unknowingly remind him how truthful and loyal she could be.

“Good timing, then. Not all of you will survive the games if you’re not prepared” Mira continued “This kind of thinking will give your squad—your entire wing—an advantage, since I guarantee your wingleader is already assessing every rider for their own abilities”

Xaden, who was stoic and almost casual, did not say a word but had probably already assessed and positioned everyone.

“Who is in command?” Mira inquired “and let’s pretend that I don’t have three years of seniority on even the highest-ranked of you”

“Then I’m in command” Aetos replied, puffing.

“Our wingleader is here” Liam pointed “I would say that puts him in command”

And the words tasted of regret as soon as he uttered them because his brother’s face changed minimally - but just enough - promising the pettiest approach to that conversation. Liam had just catapulted another dick measuring contest.

“We can pretend I’m not here, just for the sake of the exercise. Give Aetos here the position we all know he craves”

Xaden- the little shit that the man is - draped his arms on the back of Violet’s chair in the worst casual demonstration of a claim. Which was also honestly pathetic because Xaden had made no moves - from what Liam was aware of - to finally quench the exhausting tension between him and Violet. That entire interaction was painful to watch to the point Liam wanted to laugh hysterically.

And to think Imogen and Garrick were missing that.

Violet whispered something under her breath - probably and conveniently chastising Xaden - until both of them decided that it would be very appropriate to stare at each other for a few seconds too long.

“You’re. The. Wingleader.” Aetos said between gritted teeth.

That was enough to break the absolutely weird and infatuated staring contest between Xaden and Violet. If they thought that exchange was discreet, they were both delusional.

“I’m not even supposed to be here” his brother said as nonchalantly as always “But if it makes you feel better, for the purpose of War Games, you’d be getting your orders from your section leader, Garrick Tavis, which he’d get from me. You’ll be carrying out your maneuvers as a squad for the good of the wing. Just pretend I’m another member of your squad and use me as you wish, Aetos”

“Why are you even here? No offense, sir, but we weren’t exactly expecting senior leadership on this trip”

“You’re more than aware that Sgaeyl and Tairn are mated” Xaden replied

“Three days? You couldn’t make it three days?”

The air was already tense before, but it was about to snap any moment. Ridoc was almost convulsing while holding in laughter, Emery and Quin were simply annoyed, Mira’s left eye was practically twitching and the other rider’s were clearly amused.

And Liam? He was having a blast!

“It has nothing to do with him” Violet’s patience was nowhere to be seen as she practically slammed her dragon model down “That’s up to Tairn and Sgaeyl”

She jabbed Xaden on the arm out of nowhere and his brother could do nothing but smirk knowingly. Something was really off with their interactions - more than usual.

“Of course you rush to defend him” Aetos countered, hard stare directed at his fucking childhood friend “Though how you can forget that this guy wanted to kill you six months ago is beyond me”

“I cannot believe you went there” Violet was astonished.

“Good job remaining professional, Aetos” his brother said “Really shows those leadership qualities to their best advantage”

“Do you boys just want to whip it out and measure? It would be faster” a rider said from the left.

Liam had to actively smother an ugly cackle.

“Enough!” The older Sorrengail raised her voice.

“Oh, come on, Sorrengail” the same rider complained.

Violet turned to stare at the man. And so did her sister.

“I mean…the older Sorrengail. This is the best entertainment we’ve had in ages”

As if tired of that stupidity, Violet adjusted in her chair with a determined look on her face “Mira has the ability to extend the shield if the wards are down, so the first thing I would do is send her to scout the area with Teine. We need to know if we’re dealing with infantry or gryphon riders”

“Good” her sister praised, moving her own dragon miniature “Now let’s assume there are gryphons”

Violet smiled in a way Liam knew could only be followed by verbal assault.

“You want to do your job? I mean, how you can forget you’re the squad leader is beyond me”

Liam swallowed another laugh.

“Quinn, can you astral project from the back of your dragon?”

“Yes”

“Then I would have you project into the fortress to check for signs of weakness” Aetos continued “And have you report back. Same with Liam. We’d use your farsight to see if you can locate where the gryphon riders are and if there are any traps”

Liam moved a finger, landing his dragon near Quinn’s and Mira’s

“Good. The weaknesses are the wooden gate and the Navarrian citizens they have captive in the dungeons” Mira declared.

“So much for blasting the whole place” Ridoc mumbled.

“You’re an air wielder, right?” Aetos asked Emery, who nodded “So you can shape your dragon’s flames, lead them through the occupied parts of the keep without killing civilians”

“Yes, but I’d have to be in the keep”

“Then you’ll have to get into the keep”

“You want me to leave my dragon and go on foot?” Emery answered to Mira.

“Why do you think we get all that hand-to-hand training? Or are you going to leave all those innocent people to die?” she argued “The real question is, how do we get you close enough without getting you killed? Since I’m guessing the others will be busy fighting off the gryphons that launch once the fireworks start”

“What’s your signet, Aetos?” Quinn asked.

“Above your pay grade” Aetos fired back “Any ideas?”

Liam shuddered at the mention of his signet. Creepy memory stealer.

“Sure” Violet said, still very impatient “You stop ignoring that you have an incredibly powerful shadow wielder at your disposal and ask him to black out the area so no one sees you land”

“You can do that?” Aetos seemed uncomfortable at the thought.

“Are you seriously asking?” Xaden questioned.

“Just wasn’t sure you could cover an area that—”

His brother barely lifted his hands and the entire room was swallowed in shadows. Fucking show off. His head was already bigger than his waist, but Xaden had a chronic necessity to assert power.

“Fuck me” someone mumbled.

“I can surround this entire outpost, but I think that might freak some people out” his brother explained.

Nobody addressed the power display and even Aetos seemed to lay low after that. His brother might be a show off, but he had always been good at making it intimidating.

“Good job” Mira said once their activity was over “Aetos, Riorson, and Sorrengail, I want to see you in the hallway. The rest of you are dismissed”

Liam smothered a wicked smile as Xaden’s face slightly fell into an annoyed look. Oh, how he wanted to be a little fly to witness whatever Mira Sorrengail was planning to say - the woman seemed ready to gut his brother like a celebration chicken.

“You think they’re in too much trouble?” Ridoc asked beside him.

“Definetly” Liam replied.

“Maybe Lieutenant Sorrengail can convince them to pull their shit together. I am honestly tired of it” Quinn said, disappearing into her own quarters.

It was definitely tiring to deal with the weird tension between the three of them, but honestly so entertaining. Though he felt a little bad because Violet seemed very annoyed at them.

“Vi and Riorson were acting weirder than usual, don’t you think?” Ridoc said once Liam closed their shared bedroom’s door.

“You mean their staring was more indecent than usual? Yeah”

Ridoc laughed loudly “Exactly! I thought I was intruding something”

Xaden and Violet sharing looks was something normal, but that instance was…too intimate. Almost as if they were sharing silent words. His brother would look at her as if waiting for a reaction, Violet did react as if something was actually said out loud.

Liam was becoming suspicious.

Previous chapter

Next chapter

[isopod-lesbian]

In 2015, I played Life is Strange; I was 17 years old, and hadn't quite realized I was a trans woman yet. For me back then, LiS was a fantasy more than anything; not because I wished I had Max's powers, but because I got to play as a young woman falling in love with her best friend. Even before I could articulate why, I felt this deep ache of longing for what could have been. By the end of that year, I had come out to myself and my friends, and I still credit LiS for helping me figure things out that way.

When I first played LiS, I felt like the "Bay" ending was the most appropriate for Max's story. If LiS is a game about growing up, then sacrificing Chloe is a hard but necessary choice to make, and I believed it was the right one. I never questioned the idea that good people will sacrifice their own happiness for the good of society, or for the people they love. So, when I began adulthood, I did so with purpose, but without passion. I did all the things I needed to do to survive and make it out into the world on my own, and I was miserable for most of the time.

When I came back to the LiS fandom in the past couple of years, I got a chance to re-examine my favorite game with a new perspective. I immersed myself in fanfic, I indulged my nostalgia, and I began to reinterpret this work that shaped me years before. I looked at the "Bae" ending especially with fresh eyes; I started seeing it not as a selfish decision, but an unselfish one, a choice made out of love for a girl who was let down by everyone who was supposed to care for her before. How cruel it was to imagine Chloe's story ending with her bleeding out in a bathroom, still thinking that nobody cared for her.

Now, I'm 25. I'm an adult in every sense of the word, and despite everything, it seems like my life is...kind of working out. I'm almost a year into HRT, I have a job that lets me live a reasonably nice life, and I'm planning on moving in with my girlfriend. When I started True Colors, I tried to temper my expectations, and hoped that my nostalgia for the past wouldn't inhibit my enjoyment of a new entry in the series. So, 6 years after the first, I played a Life is Strange game; and, for the second time, it showed me exactly what I needed to see.

If Life is Stange is a game about growing up, True Colors is a game about what happens after. It's a game about starting over, about finding a place to call home and people to call family. Where Max's powers let her find the perfect way to get what she wanted or say the right thing, Alex's powers ask her to understand the people around her. Where LiS holds the threat of the Storm over Max's head, Gabe's death in True Colors is just a tragedy that Alex has to process. LiS' central mystery comes down to an evil man doing evil things; True Colors' is the result of an entrenched capitalist machine that operates not out of malice, but out of sheer self-interest.

When I finished True Colors, I was confronted with a choice that felt like the polar opposite of LiS' ending. After all the excitement and emotion, the question posed to Alex first felt almost incidental. Nobody's life hung in the balance, neither choice carried any real emotional consequences, and there was no way of knowing what the ultimate results might be. But as I considered Gabe's vision for Alex, I was struck by how real it felt. How it felt like the choices I was already making in life, and the choices I know are yet to come in my future. I think 17-year-old me would have jumped at the idea of a life of adventure, traveling the country with the girl I love. But now, I can't help but think of how many chances we really get to find a home. I doubt it's a high number. So I chose to stay. And I can only hope that, whenever I'm given that choice in my life, I am brave enough to take a chance on whatever place I've found for myself.

[ngkiscool]

A pointed question

My entry for @jewsinfandoms #8 Appreciating Loved Ones

"Are you coming, Adam?" Brian looked at his friend, waiting him to join The Them. They heard there was a new ice cream flavour arrived at the shop, raising the variety into four flavours, and wanted to test it.

"Go ahead without me, I have to… help my mum with something, yeah," answered Adam, looking as close to embarrassed as they ever saw him.

"Is everything OK, Adam? Last week you also had to go home early, around this time of the day." This time the speaker was Wensleydale, sharp as ever.

"If you are in trouble and need help with something, just tell us. You know you can count on us," Brian added seriously, a stranger expression on his usually smiling face. Adam was touched, it was not often that Brian suggested something that might delay him from getting food.

"Everything is great. Even better than great," he assured them before they will decide to barge into his house and question his parents. That was the last thing he wanted. No escape now, right? Might as well just tell them. "The thing is, that after last summer, I started to learn something new, that's all."

"You managed to convince Anathema to teach you? That's not fair, I've been asking her since then!"

"No, it's something else," answered Adam truthfully.

Pepper gaze sharpened in alarm. "Are you hearing voices again?"

"Nothing like that either, don't worry. It's just that after all that happened, I started thinking." He ignored the obligatory snickering and continued, "I'm learning religion."

"Oh, I did that too, read a whole book about it when I was ten. Actually, almost 72% of Earth is ocean region," Brian contributed interesting information.

The Them mulled over this fact for a few moments, until Pepper broke the silent. "Which religion are you studying? There are so many of them."

Adam moved in inconvenience, not sure how his friends will react to his choice. Well, in for a penny and all that. "I talked with Crowley, and he told me the basics of the big ones, and Judaism is the one I'm interested in the most."

"Why?" The others asked in unison.

"That's exactly the reason," smiled Adam. "He said that I love to ask questions, and debating is a big part of Judaism, so it will be the perfect fit."

That required some more time to digest, followed by more questions. Finally, Adam had to put an end to their conversation. "I'm sorry, but I don't want to be late for the meeting with the rabbi. What don’t you come with me, so we can all learn together?"

His friends eagerly agreed, never missing a chance to ask adults hard questions, such is how old God is, why cucumbers don't have taste and what is the benefit from a prayer, and Adam breathed in relief. He tried to hide his interest in Judaism from his friends, fearing their reaction, and now his heart warmed with the quick way they accepted his new interest. He should have known better and trust his friends. From now on, he swore to himself, he will never doubt them again.

[sweetestcersei]

A Journal of Ice and Fire #1: Origin Stories and Treading Old Ground with New Eyes

Hello! I'm jack aka sweetestcersei on tumblr dot com. This is my first journal entry reflecting on my A Song of Ice and Fire re-read project I started in June of this year. I didn't expect this first blog to be so emotional or personal, but I've already cooked the goose, haven't I? I've put the read more after the first paragraph out of respect for your scrolling experience, but I'd greatly appreciate anyone willing to engage in parasocial intimacy by reading my thoughts and feelings about our favorite dragon books as they apply to me and my life.

It was the summer after 8th grade on a beach trip I was forced to take (I was an “indoor boy” by my own admission at age 4). I was 14, and deeply, insecurely committed to my interests and the search of self the way only a 14 year old can be. The near audible roar of teenage testosterone, the icy condominium HVAC gales, the smell of the sea, the grossly greasy fried Gulf oysters -- the sensoriality that accompanied the introduction to a great love that has waxed and waned over the years, but never quite left me. This was a week with a biblically-sized tome that I finished before I could even realize it. This love, of course, was and is my obsession, hyperfixation, and study of George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire.

I was certainly a bit young to read something so “adult”, even despite my gifted student reading habits, but I had 7 days to kill and 800 ½ inch-margined pages as my murder weapons. My mother offhandedly introduced me to A Game of Thrones after getting me a Kindle for graduating middle school, mentioning a fellow nerd she worked with (who in many ways served as a sort of otaku mentor when I was younger and slightly more impressionable) said he thought I’d enjoy the yet-to-be cultural phenomenon Game of Thrones on HBO. There was no HBO at my grandparents' condo, and my attention span hadn’t completely left me yet, so I settled for reading before watching the titillating tit show.

After an hour or so with Amazon support, we got the novel downloaded to my beloved OG Kindle. I went in expecting something like The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. If I’m being honest, it’s because the HBO marketing tie-in cover with Sean Bean on the Iron Throne looked like the kind of crunchy late-aughts RPGs of my childhood, with unsettlingly wooden dialogue and eldritch uncanny face animations. I was thankfully proven wrong. At the time, those first 200 pages felt like the first real literature I ever read, and were more animated than any video game I could have played at the time. I still think the series is deliciously pulpy pop art; not quite McDonald’s but not quite foie gras either. But at 14, freshly pubescent, in the closet, and directionless? It was a revelation.

I finished my re-read of AGoT back in September of this year. It was an emotional experience I wasn’t expecting to hit me the way it did. And not in the nostalgic 2012 Tumblr “oh the feels” kind of way. It struck me because I realized how much this series helped me process my identity and my youth, and how that fateful week I spent poring over the first novel changed my sense of self for years to come. Reading George’s work has been a balm for the hurts of a year that has been by turns joyous, tumultuous, invigorating, demoralizing and exhausting. It’s not lost on me that my first time reading this series as an adult coincided with the start of my Saturn return. The next three years of my life are about as do-or-die as things will get (before the inevitable resource and class wars thanks to…everything in this world). More on that later!

Much like the subject matter of this journal, I’m long overdue to start putting my thoughts down about this re-read. Nearly 14 years since my first and only full read of ASOIAF, and I’ve fallen back into Westeros harder than I did as a teen. A world and intellectual property that felt forever tainted after #that show’s ending -- or so I thought. Fiction can find its way back to you, I guess, and five years is a long time to process the ill-fated culmination of, arguably, your second fondest obsession.

Over and over, just re-reading the first entry of the series, I was forced to reckon with the way so many characters carried me through my very real, very silly teenage troubles. Daenerys’ dragon dreams and doubt-tinged inner monologue were a solace for my endless anxieties around who I was and wanted to be. Cersei’s theatrics, mania and glamour felt like something to armor myself in, a crude mirror for what I viewed myself as when I wasn’t quite sure if I was even a man. As a kid whose hair helped him express his muddy gender identity “...and hair grows back” went hard as fuck. Honestly, a lot of the” loss of hair as an arbiter of change” themes throughout the series still hangs over my head. 

I could list a majority of the POV characters’ names and draw a comparison to my own problems in some shape or form because of the way I drew power from them. My point in bringing any of this up in regard to myself is that it has brought a quote to the front of my mind ever since I cracked this long winded anti-war romp back open: “we need fantasy to survive because reality is too difficult.” While this Lady Gaga quote does feel especially prescient now more than ever, it was the essence of my love for this series, long before I could recognize it. I was the blood of the dragon, I was a lion (or lioness, depending on the day), I could be underhanded like Tyrion or fierce in my despair like Catelyn. But my world shaking events were trying to pass algebra, or coping with first loves and crushes that would never be reciprocated – not ending slavery or picking up the pieces of a broken kingdom. My flare for drama has not waned, thankfully, and it feels good to be a self-assured drag queen that knows my miniscule problems do and should feel the same as a magic dragon woman learning to rule a city.

Now, as an adult, I find myself understanding why these stories affected me so much as a teenager. I’m even finding greater inspiration as an adult, who has now known illness, grief, strife, love, lust, and myriad other “”””adult”””” experiences. There have been moments where bits and pieces would come back to me, especially during traumatic or trying life experiences.

In 2022, I was diagnosed with stage 2 Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I had a textbook prognosis, and was back to “myself” within a year of starting treatment. That being said, I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over the trauma of watching myself wither and change. But, I took some choices into my own hands, like forcing myself to shave my head before I could watch it all fall out (and hair grows back) or donning wigs and makeup to look “healthy”. The entire time I was getting my head shaved, I felt like Daenerys stepping into the fire, Cersei swallowing her pride, Arya being sent on her great trek north, Jaime escaping the dungeons of Riverrun born anew. It was impossible not to feel like I was doing my own walk of shame or vision quest in the Dothraki Sea, a husk of a person with hair falling out in clumps and darkness behind my eyes. This was probably the first time I remember finding strength in the stories of ASOIAF since adolescence. It’s hard to put myself back there, emotionally, but it’s a good kind of hard, because it helps to remember how and why I was able to survive it.

At this point, I’m rambling through a rolodex of bruises that never quite healed, but have been soothed through my obsessions, ASOIAF or otherwise. Who would have thought a grimdark fantasy series would evoke this kind of navel-gazing histrionics? Heartbreak feels good in a place like this, or whatever Nicole Kidman said. My intention in putting all this to ink is that I feel so strongly about this series and the power fantasy and fiction can hold over us. What I’m really trying to say, mostly to myself, is that I am so grateful to have healed whatever part of me that allowed me to escape myself and my problems. My next journals will likely take another form, more focused on my observations and shower thoughts around themes, parallels, and character work. Until then, I’m off to battle on the Blackwater Rush.

[weather-cluddy]

(Replied as a new post to avoid the character limit)

It doesn't bother me at all! This sort of question is something I've been turning over for quite a while, actually. I tried to make a post pointing out comparisons between non-paired prisoners, because I feel like people focus too much on number pairs without considering other thematic parallels, even with Milgram pointing some out (Eg: Shidou-Amane, Fuuta-Kotoko, Haruka-Muu, Yuno-Kazui). It stalled around Muu though, because it turns out that's a whole lot of entries, and also I wasn't sure that people would be interested in a post that's dozen of paragraphs long (though still much less elaborate than this post, of course).

Personally, I think Mikoto and Haruka have a lot in common and share many themes, but I hardly ever see it brought up. Some of it, I think, is the fact that Haruka's trauma gets a lot of focus while Mikoto's mostly implied, so there's a lot of people who don't look beneath the surface. So they just get slotted in the boxes of "sympathetic" and "unsympathetic", meaning fans miss the similarities even when it's them doing literally the same thing (Like trying to kill Es to protect their self-worth).

But at the end of the day, we have two people extremely afraid yet dependent on other people's opinions of them, whose every interaction is shadowed by the after-effects of their early-childhood trauma in a way that seems "cute" or harmless at first but really isn't, who committed premeditated murder because they saw it as the only way to make their lives bearable, who have artistic inclinations but can't find the self-confidence to pursue them, who are dealing with mental illnesses they have no (healthy) frame of reference for, who are okay with being used and abused (even physically!) so long as people approve of them...

Well, I don't want to drop the entire essay on the intro part. Onto the first section!

(I didn't particularly mean to organize it like that, but the two sections basically came out as Bokukoto- and Orekoto-centered, respectively. Funny how it worked out.)

Children and adults.

What are Haruka's goals? To be loved and cared for, even if it means taking on a subordinate role. To have his weakness acknowledged yet not be shamed for it, to be have his strengths bring joy to those he loves yet not have people ask more of him than he can give.

What are Mikoto's goals? To be a good, responsible, capable person and have people acknowledge him as such. To have his efforts rewarded, even if it means overexerting himself. To find conventional success and prove to those he loves (his mom, in particular) that they needn't worry for him.

In other words, Haruka wants to be a kid, Mikoto wants to be an adult. Haruka wants to be protected, Mikoto wants to be admired.

Why this difference? Well, I see two possiblities. One, Haruka has a golden past to retreat to, a time when he felt loved and safe. Mikoto might not have had that, or he might not remember it: after all, DID forms from trauma very early in childhood, as early as 5 years old and generally no later than 10. And of course dissociation itself tends to make remembering difficult, even before actual alters get involved.

So, Mikoto most likely doesn't remember any 'good old days' he could yearn for, either because he was extremely young or because they never existed. His only option, then, is to place his hopes on the future.

The second thing is that, in spite of Mikoto most likely having earlier trauma, Haruka is far more obvious in his dysfunction. Pretty much every person he meets will at least walk away with the feeling he's kind of weird, if not worse. This only manages to reinforce his feelings that he's inferior to everyone else, and that that's an inescapable part of his being.

Meanwhile, Mikoto can trudge through life well enough to believe that achieving what he wants is within his reach, even to be expected. Surely if he works both hard and smart, he can accomplish his goals without problem. He can get a good career if he just focuses on what he's good at, choosing 'efficiency' over his interests. And he can get everyone to like him, if he just remembers to always, always be nice to them, no matter how much he'd rather not. Then he'll reap the reward of succeeding at life!

That's just how things work, right? You put in the effort to treat others well, and your reward for doing so is to have other people do the same for you. That's the basis of society! And that's also how Mikoto makes himself feel safe. If his own actions determine other people's actions, then he can stop bad things from happening to him by just not doing anything that would invite punishment. Everyone knows monsters only eat the misbehaving kids!  Just follow the rules and everything will be fine.

(That's another big difference between Mikoto and Haruka: Haruka knows he can't do what's expected of him, so by the start of Milgram he's pretty much given up on the idea of ever being accepted or sucessful. Mikoto does believe he can cut it, but that brings its own kind of helplessness: he can never stop striving with all his might, because if he ever does fall short his self-esteem will crumble to pieces.)

The trouble is, sometimes even when you do follow the rules, other people just... refuse to reciprocate. Why is that? Did you do something wrong? Well, you can't exactly go up to them and ask. Now that would certainly be a faux pas! Clearly the only choice is to figure it out yourself by ruminating on it. All night long. Hey, remember when Mikoto said that he wouldn't be able to sleep if Kotoko didn't wish him a happy birthday? Sure sounds like somebody who worries a normal amount about gestures that might possibly be snubs.

But another convo I'd like to bring up is one with Fuuta, where Mikoto shows up unprovoked to tell Fuuta that being upset about being kidnapped is dumb and childish and will get him nowhere in life, and anyways he's just doing it for attention.

This seems a bit OOC, doesn't it? Mikoto basically never criticizes anybody. When Yuno basically calls him fake to his face, he just laughs and calls her a straight shooter. When Haruka said that he's been avoiding Mikoto because he's scary, he just shrugs and goes, that's fair, I'd have done the same. Hell, even knowing that Kotoko tried to beat him half to death, he still goes to congratulate her on her birthday. So what did Fuuta say that was so much worse than all of those?

The problem, really, isn't what Fuuta said or did to Mikoto, but how Fuuta behaves with everyone. Mikoto can put up with being openly disliked; see his interactions with Kotoko. But seeing somebody so brazenly ignore the rules he's based his life around, now that affects him a way that goes beyond Mikoto as a person.

If you asked Mikoto, he'd probably say that it's because he's sad to see somebody younger than him waste his potential with such stupid, meaningless stubborness. But really, it comes back to the fact that "nothing bad will happen as long as you behave" is one of pillar's of Mikoto's life. So how is he supposed to handle seeing somebody misbehave constantly, repeteadly, and still do just as well as him? What's that supposed to mean? Do things not actually work that way? Was he just being taken advantage of? That can't be. If being nice doesn't ensure that you'll get treated well, what does? He endured so much pain because it was supposed to pay off someday. Were all his efforts so far just make-believe, a kid hiding under the blankets thinking it'll do anything?

No, no, no. It's the others who are wrong. All his suffering until now was meaningful and helpful. He knows what he must do and he's not going to stray from the right path. Those who do are just bringing punishment down onto themselves. And while he's not capable of consciously acknowledging his anger, he can always try to share some "friendly advice" about what happens to those who fight against forces greater than themselves. You can't win those battles. He never won, so of course you can't win them. Stop struggling, it's for your own good.

(Amane-Mikoto parallels? In my Haruka-Mikoto parallels post? It's more likely than you think!)

Saviors and weaklings

You might be thinking that the title says it all, really. Haruka is a weakling, Orekoto is a savior, those are opposites, the end.

Well, yes, but it's not quite that simple.

Haruka in the second trial has also taken on a protector role towards Muu. This is a fairly uncontroversial reading, so let's go take a closer look at their similarities:

-Both Haruka and Orekoto put emphasis on Es not scaring/stressing their charge any further.

-In both cases, what they're looking for is acknowledgement from the one they're protecting and a sense of being useful ("Rely on me, praise me with your song, I am your savior")

-Haruka says that Muu is the reason why he can be who he is now. The same could be said for Bokukoto and Orekoto: without the latter, the former would not be able to remain his current self.

-At the same time, the 'saviors' need their charges, just as if not more than the other way around. Haruka's life has revolved around the concept of mothers since basically forever, and we literally don't know a single thing about Orekoto outside of his role. Honestly, considering he only seems to come out during stressful situations, it's possible even he doesn't know who he is outside of being Mikoto's savior.

Even the structures of Metamorphosis of the Weak and John Doe are similar. Consider:

-The interrogation starts with the prisoner being fairly unthreatening. Mikoto is rather nervous at the start, but as soon as Es starts pretending to entertain the idea that he really hasn't committed any murders, he calms down significantly. -The prisoners feel safe thanks to Es' temporary affirmation, but this is soon swept away by Es themselves. Even as the prisoners become more and more obviously distressed, Es presses on dispassionately.

-Eventually, they become totally overwhelmed by emotion and attempt to kill Es. Haruka is stopped by Milgram's rules, Orekoto isn't.

-At this point, a different prisoner makes their appearance, whether physically or just in conversation, and the rest of the drama revolves around them. In John Doe it's of course Kotoko fighting off Mikoto, after which he's literally unconscious for the rest of the VD (except for one line), and instead the remaining time is dedicated to Kotoko and her deal.

For Metamorphosis, it's when Haruka proclaims that Muu is his real mom and starts talking about their relationship. In both cases, there's a clear shift in focus from the OG character themselves to how their actions would affect Milgram overall (Kotoko offering to stop Mikoto if he attacks again, Haruka threatening suicide).

Well, we can probably agree that Haruka is a savior of a sort. But can we close the circle and bring the comparison back around? Is Orekoto also a weakling of a sort?

To answer this, we'll need to define weakness. For this, I'll actually refer not to Haruka's voice drama's, but to Muu's. Namely, this part in Queen B:

"Es: (…) One-sided violence and mistreatment… I’m sure it was difficult to handle. It’s not unreasonable to come to the conclusion that murder is the only way for a weak person to get out of that. That’s exactly why I forgave you." Muu: Yeah… If I hadn’t done that, I could have died some day."

We hear Haruka argue something similar after Es tears him down, asking "So what should I have done!? Was I supposed to give up on myself too!?" So we could say that a weak person is somebody who's trapped by their circumstances, somebody with the deck stacked so far against them that they have no choice but to take extreme measures.

I think that's pretty much how Orekoto views his own situation. Looking at his parts of MeMe, most of the what-if sentences basically come down to "I don't want to do this, but I can't not do it either". We also have lyrics like "It’s like what’s wrong isn’t wrong" and "Is this selfish?", showing that Orekoto is also full of self-doubt about this being the right thing, but doesn't see any other choice. After all, "Hurting it, holding it down, it doesn’t change anything, does it? Ahhh, It’s the same anywhere I go".

Like Haruka, nothing he tries seems to work and he's desperately trying to survive in any way he can. Whether this "death" is on a purely emotional level or if, like Muu, it's hinting at suicide ("Maybe it’s ok to try to keep on living"), he needs to get away. It doesn't matter anymore if it's "good", so long as it works.

Of course, I'm sure Orekoto wouldn't take well to the idea that he's weak. His breakdown in John Doe was, of course, because of Es pushing Bokukoto, but his rant was almost entirely focused on how weak and pathetic Es was. It seems that in that he resembles Fuuta (who was, after all, the first prisoner to try violence): when he's scared, he tries to intimidate the threat to feel safer.

(Of course, there's something to be said for Haruka also despising his own weakness, even if his reaction to it is to worship others for being different rather than project this hatred onto them.)

(And while we're in the topic of Fuuta, it's worth noting that he's also part of the overall protector theme spanning several characters. He even relates to Haruka and Mikoto directly, in that those two are the ones he picked as "weak" people he needed to look out for)

Muu and Haruka, even before the second trial, they were both weaklings and saviors of the weak (themselves). But this doesn't apply to Mikoto, because the roles are split between the alters. There's a clear separation between the 'good', pitiable, socially acceptable Bokukoto and the 'bad' and violent Orekoto. And you know where else we see something like this? Haruka's MVs.

This is most obvious in Weakness, where the separation is at its starkest, to the point where many people didn't think Haruka's younger self was him at all. Basically, every bad thing in the video is attributed to older Haruka. Li'l Haruka plays happily with his maybe-sister, older Haruka attacks her. Li'l Haruka pets his dog while his mom smiles by his side, until older Haruka bashes its skull in. And of course, in the end older Haruka is so consumed by hatred that he chokes his terrified younger self to death. Not the first time he attacks him(self) either; back at almost the start, older Haruka shoves him into a crayon puddle, with the camera making sure to show kid Haruka's terrified expression and Haruka's cold glare.

(I want to point out the dog scene in particular. Specifically, how the younger Haruka is horrified to find blood on his hands even though he never actually laid hands on the dog. This is quite reminiscent of the scene in MeMe where Mikoto becomes afraid of his reflection's evil expression and falls backwards, only to have the devil card fall on him and corrupt all the water into blood. But an interesting difference is how, while Mikoto not remembering is just a literal retelling of events, the same shouldn't apply to Haruka. And if the girl is the same age in AKAA and in Weakness, suggested by the fact she's dressed the same in both, then she couldn't have been playing with same-age Haruka either.)

In AKAA this divide into a good, young Haruka and a bad, older Haruka is less stark, presumably because after a forgiven verdict Haruka feels less disconnected from his past as a 'good kid'. It's not gone, however. We do see his younger self kill fish and a butterfly, but the harder-hitting murders of the dog (and possibly the girl, it's hard to tell) are left to his 17-years-old self. Not to mention the sequence when his mother opens the door, which is probably the part where Haruka is framed in the most threatening way across the entire MV. That too shows us only the current Haruka, notable because just seconds before it kept switching between the two of them.

At the same time, there's also a disconnect in Weakness between current Haruka and his murders. When we see him killing somebody he actually killed in real life (that is, the girl and the dog), it's followed shortly by him waking up in his bed, framing it all as just a dream. This is very similar to how in MeMe the second scene shows Orekoto killing somebody, with the third starting with Bokukoto gently waking up, completely unaware. There's of course also the line "I’m probably just having a bad dream, I need to wake up soon", which only drives it further home.

Well, I think that wraps up my points. To TL;DR it, some themes to consider are: fixated on past/fixated on future, giving up/trying too hard, dependence on others, wanting to feel useful, black and white thinking re: oneself and viewpoints warped by childhood trauma.

For a bit of extra fun, I'd like to note some shared visual motifs between MeMe, Weakness and All-Knowing and All Agony. There won't be much meaning analysis from me here, so feel free to supply your own.

Music Videos

(Some of the screenshots repeat, that's intentional)

Surrounded by eyes: Most obvious in Weakness, but the Hanged Man in Mikoto's shirt (and less obviously, the Magician) also show something similar.

Water turning into blood: This one is somewhat dificult to show in still screenshots, but it's present in both MeMe, Weakness (when one of Haruka's teardrops fall onto the water) and arguably AKAA as well.

Red skies with a moon visible: Interestingly, this one seems to be associated with younger Haruka in Weakness (most obvious at the very start, when he and older Haruka switch rapidly, with the scene outside the window also changing). There's one very obvious moon in a red sky near the end of MeMe, but there might be another one shown in the Fool card. Lots of Mikoto's cards show circles in the upper corner of the cards (but interestingly in the Hanged Man it's at the bottom, near their head, like an halo). Whether we can consider them all moons is up to speculation, but few of them match the color scheme anyways. Speaking of which, while Weakness almost always uses grey/blue moons with red skies, there are two exceptions: when Haruka is shown killing the dog (blue sky, red moon) and in a piece of official art that shows a red moon on a red sky.

Confusion between indoors and outdoors: If you notice, literally everything in Weakness happens indoors, except for the bits where Haruka is floating in water. Even the forest has floorboards, except for a single scene. The opposite also happens: we see kid Haruka out for a walk with his mom, but they're still inside the house, with the city just being images on the wall. Meanwhile, the mindscape in MeMe shows a ruin (no walls) on an endlessly extending sea and sky (natural-ish settings), but it also reflects the structure of Mikoto's house. So is it inside or outside? Looking at the shoes, both Mikoto and younger Haruka are dressed as though they're outside, but older Haruka is wearing slippers.

Reflections not matching "reality": Note how neither Mikoto nor the coffee table show up in the water in the second image, or how the paintings go from having no reflection to having each other's reflection, with those facing the wrong way. The fourth and fifth images are also an interesting example of the reflections not even matching each other, even though the timing and framing suggest we're still looking at the same scene.

[copperbadge]

Hi, Sam! Hoping for some insight as an adult-y, job-experience-having person. Do you think it's possible to get a job as a front desk receptionist with zero real work experience, other than some art commissions in the past, and some time in college but no degree? Or am I better off setting my sights on entry level food/retail jobs to start off with?

So much of it depends on what experience you do have and what you're willing to put on your resume or like...I don't want to say lie, but let's say...gently obfuscate about.

But also, por que no los dos? You can apply for both at the same time. I used to apply for a variety of jobs, and I just had a set resume and a form letter of interest that I'd slightly alter based on what was requested in the job listing.

The real question is whether you have the skillset to work front desk, and whether you can demonstrate somehow on paper that you do. Do you have experience answering phones, working in a call center? Do you know your way around Office suite? (You don't have to prove how, you just have to say you do and then have the most basic of chops to back it up.) Do you have customer service experience? Etc. etc. etc.

Most front desk positions require a college degree, which is frankly ludicrous, so you may find yourself facing a lot of applications that want you to list your degree information. If you can get through with just listing your college experience, I'd do that. But remember, apply for any job where you have even a hope of getting to the interview stage. If you have 60% of what they're asking for, I'd apply.

So here are some questions to ask when building up a resume and a portfolio of your skill sets for any job: Have you ever worked a volunteer job? (You don't have to mark it as volunteer on your resume.) Did you do any kind of workstudy job while you were in college? (This is real work and really counts!) Ever worked for a family business, or done work for a friend, or have you done reasonably extensive beta-reading/editing for fanfic? That's freelance, baby!

So more important than "should I apply to this" is "How do I apply to this reasonably". Applying for any single specific job once you've found one shouldn't take that long, an hour at most; I've got more about that here under the "cover letters and resumes" section. Especially for jobs like front desk, a good cover letter is super important; it's basically a writing sample that tells them a lot about your ability to communicate, your drive, and your intelligence, whether or not that's fair. Remember to emphasize your skills and never, ever mention or excuse your deficiencies; you want to tell them why you're good for the job, not pre-emptively argue with them about why you're not.

I do also recommend, if at all possible, you sit down with your college transcripts and work out how many credits you have. College credits are usually pretty transferrable, and it's worth your time, if you're able, to find a way to complete a degree -- an Associate's degree, particularly through an accredited community or online college, often only takes two years and if you come in with existing credits, probably even less. Studies indicate that having any degree of any kind increases your chances of being hired and also of earning more over your lifetime. I know not everyone has the ability to attend or complete college, and I don't think everyone should, but if you can, even if it's just one course a semester and the degree's a long way off, do consider it.

Good luck, Anon! And hey, if you do end up finding that retail/food customer service is where you're getting offers, there's no shame in that, that's good solid skilled work that will give you more to put on your resume when you're ready to move on.

[sevi007]

Oh? Someone playing my favorite game of all time? This must be a dream!

Don't worry, I won't spoil anything. But I hope you won't mind me watching your progress through the game. :)

Honestly, it's SO refreshing seeing someone new to the game treat Luke as more than just "annoying spoiled brat", and actually think about why he's the way he is. Also don't worry about over-analyzing stuff or getting rambly - trying to figure out the plot as the pieces come together is a huge part of it imo. The world building is very interesting too, even if all the terms can be pretty confusing in the beginning.

I saw someone mention you should check out Luke's diary entries as you progress - I absolutely second this. It it gives you an interesiting look into his head, and some extras here and there.

I really hope you'll be able to enjoy this game as much as I did. Best of luck with your playthrough!

Haha, hi and thank you! ^^ It's really invigorating to see how many people are so happy that someone new is playing the game. So far, I'm also really enjoying it - I wouldn't ramble so much about it if I didn't! Ah I heard on my Discord server already that Luke generally was seen as the annoying spoiled brat when the game came out. We came to the decision that I probably see this differently because I'm playing this as an adult, rather than a kid or teen. I have enough life experience to look at Luke and his circumstances and see why he might act the way he does, rather than simply taking it at face value. That's not something that a lot of kids will be able to do at a younger age though. So personally I'm really glad I'm playing this now, because I feel like I would have missed a lot had I played it in my youth! ^^

I am reading the diary entries now when I remember. I tend to get a bit swept up in the story itself, but I do try. They are really interesting to read, clearly in Luke's voice as they are, so maybe I might find some gems in there that I will blog about.

So far I am enjoying the game, and I feel like there will be a lot more of that as I go on!