#more and more i find myself attracted to ambiguous identities because i have no way of defining myself more precisely that feels right

[epicdogymoment]

gender and sexuality labels are so fucking hard how am i supposed to know how what i experience (already hard to pin down) compares to what "normal people" experience (completely unknown to me)

[clown-prince-of-gay]

Happy Pride everyone~~

I drew me and my lovely boyfriend @king-of-vertigo, (I love you honeybee~), We are being gay and transing all your children. Watch out or you're next.

Anyways. Happy Pride to those who celebrate. (And especially happy pride slay queen girlypop month to those who don't) Under the cut I'll have each flag and an explanation of what it means to me~

Likes and reblogs appreciated!! Do not repost!

I would like to preface this with: I am not an expert in all of these identities (despite being a part of them) and my connection to them is hugely shaped by my own experience and interpretation of each label. My only hope with all this is to hopefully make someone feel less alone, (because my god i spent a long time finding some of these labels-)

Aceflux

Aceflux us defined as a person with a fluctuating feeing of sexual attraction to others, I sort of think of it like a dial being turned up and down based on the moment. (there are also romantic and aroace versions of the label I beleive, along with another variation of the flag with a purple/red gradient striping.)

In my own experience that results in differing kinds of days, some where I feel really strong attraction, others where I feel little to none. Sometimes it changes day to day, sometimes its the same for weeks, or it changes throughout the day based on context.

This label was one that took me. An entirely too long time to find. and this is one that feels. right. because I had very flexible and changing feelings and attraction, I knew I could place myself somewhere on the ace spectrum, but not exactly where because it wasn't consistent at all (wowee i wonder why that is because its not like thats the whole thing lmao) and I ended up cycling through so many aspec labels. This is one that I can feel comfortable in, and I'm hoping others resonate with it as well.

Queer

Queer is an umbrella term and very ambiguous identity that can essentially encompass anyone that identifies with it.

So- my sexuality is. incredibly nuanced and complicated when it comes to describing who I find myself romantically, aesthetically, or platonically attracted to (I know there are so many other ways to be attracted to someone, those are just the simplest for me to explain). For example: I can (when allowed by my silly demiromantic ass) be romantically attracted to men and masc (or even non aligned) presenting and identifying people, and I in fact, have a lovely boyfriend whom I love a lot! And as for femme aligned people its more interesting because I don't feel particularly romantically about them, but I can experience aesthetic, or platonic forms of attraction, and Queer is simply a label that I connect with that has the space to encompass all of that.

Demiromantic

Demiromantic is a label that essentially encompasses the idea that an individual doesn't feel romantic attraction to another unless they have an emotional or platonic bond with that person. (there is also an ace and an aroace version, which I think is super neat)

Demiromantic is a label that I personally connect with, be that because I'm naturally incredibly slow to make connections, or maybe connected to the fact that I'm very neurodivergent, (although thats a post for another day-) and feeling comfortable being and feeling romantic about someone is already incredibly rare, and I feel like I need a connection to someone personally until I can feel romantically (I say that like I control when I feel romantic. Its kinda. I dunno I can't control it. this label is just one I felt encompassed it. which is the point.)

Transgender

Transgender is an umbrella term in which someone doesnt connect or identify with the assigned gender given at birth. (I'm very sure I have made it no secret that I am transmasc. We love the transes here)

However. no matter how many labels I find to express and explain my gender being 'masculine' (with several different question marks. I'm a boy in the same way orange soda is the same as a regular orange. same sorta spirit. completely different executions.) above all. I am still trans. and I will always be trans. that's who I am <33

My gender is. an interesting topic. In the way that I have not yet found a label to describe it other than being transmasc. which I know as different to being a trans 'man' in the fact that I didnt transition to be a 'man', not binarily being a man. I bounce between being androgynous and being masculine, but in a way where labels like demigendered/demiboy or boyflux (other labels I've considered) don't seem to fit. because it is in a way where some days I feel more or less masculine to completely genderless. (If anyone can think of a label that fits that- I would love to hear it. I haven't even gotten into My pronoun search. maybe a seperate post on that later.)

[discobiscotto]

Just Guys Bein’ Dudes: A Needlessly Huge TED-Talk About Luca & Alberto’s Relationship

Ready for some big-brain BS?

Well, ready or not, here’s a “little” dive into how I interpret/perceive Luca and Alberto’s relationship.

Note: I’m referring to them as my own headcanon versions of them as men. It can certainly be applied to them as young adults and teens for sure, but I’m diving into ‘Ciao Luca’ territory specifically. So, there, just being clear on the who’s who.

What’s their deal anyhow?

Are they romantic partners? Are they attracted to eachother, yanno 👉🏻👈🏻? Buddies? Buddies with benefits? Are they even a couple? Are they husbands? What’s their deal?

So, a couple years ago when I was starting to get really busy with the headcanons, I went on a tear about their relationship to lay down some kind of clear foundation for it. I felt alittle conflicted at the time about how their relationship was going to feel/act like.

To me, because I love ambiguity, I wanted to keep that energy going from the original source material…but with alittle “oomph”…considering there’s been time and maturity tacked on. They can’t just be Pallin’ Around forever, something’s gotta give with chemistry that strong imo.

If I’m being honest, them being point-blank romantic partners felt too cliched and predictable/boring. Courtship, wooing, marriage…snore. It just didn’t feel like ‘them’ to me. It bordered heteronormative somehow. I was just …PUTTING MYSELF TO SLEEP.

Not to say they aren’t romantic, because they certainly are in their own right! It just isn’t the defining Vibe of their relationship.

As a queer lady with a pretty open mind in terms of what defines a relationship and/or bond, I believe that love expression is on a spectrum. Different strokes for different folks, yanno?

I scooted myself over to that old filing cabinet in my brain with random Greek Philosophy tid-bits (that I was impressed wasn’t put thru the incinerator) and I got polishing.

I remembered a few terms, like storge (family love), Eros: romantic, mania: obsessive/stalkerish love, agape, philia, the list goes on.

We’re gonna focus on PHILIA, typically deemed affectionate and/or “brotherly love”, I think also falls under platonic love.

We’re going to come back to this later☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻

As a couple of seamonsters (first and foremost) the human concept of love may not necessarily compute to them. Not that they get confused or turn their nose up at it, but rather it’s more boxed-in and rigid than, I guess, fish love? Haha.

Example: homosexuality, bisexuality, and heterosexuality as concepts are human inventions to help humans navigate their life and their identity in the world, be part of a tribe, and potentially find mates.

They’re social constructs, like gender conformity, and Mondays.

Seamonsters really don’t have that. They’re similar to humans in alot of ways, but in terms of attraction, love, and social awareness, they just kindof ride the wave and go where the current takes them.

Opposite sex pairings likely happen more often because [gestures] instincts and Makin’ Fries. But just like humans, same sex relationships happen just as much!…but seamonsters have no concept of homophobia (strictly a human invention) so there’s no discouragement or imposed fear of the relationship…it just happens if it’s meant to and the world keeps spinning. [deep sighs]

Luca and Alberto are aware of human society and customs (especially now that they’ve been living amongst them for atleast 15 years). So, they still try to do-as-the-humans-do sometimes. They know that they feel a strong bond to eachother that can’t be ignored, and when humans sense a similar bond between each other they express it by being physically intimate, or giving gifts, or creating things for eachother, etc.

So, basically, it boils down to “I love my friend, so I wish to express that love for him like that [gesture].”

Now bringing it back to Philia up there!👆🏻

That particular source defines philia as brotherly love, both must be men (in the Greek system), they respect and take pleasure in eachother’s company, bond through exploring philosophical truths, and sexual intimacy or attraction is optional.

This other source takes it a bit further saying that we could be diving into “friends to lovers” territory which is the aforementioned “oomph” I was referring to. The bridge into Eros stuff without being completely rooted there (ie your usual romantic pair).

Their relationship isn’t based on physical attraction, but began as a close friendship that progressed into something more. Not built on lust, but on mutual affection and respect for eachother.

They are an “unlikely” pair. Where a hockey hug became alittle tighter, and the joined hands in a good old “Piacere Girolamo Trombetta” started to linger.

They feel safe with eachother, they love and prefer eachother’s company, they share eachother’s worlds and feel deeply connected in them. Alberto cooks meals for them because he loves Luca, and Luca gives Alberto [SPOILER] because he loves him back.

They share a “I can’t quite put my finger on it but I feel safe, warm, and happy with you, I enjoy your company and what we have, I love the feeling of you being close to me, exchanging warmth and heartbeats, and I feel like this is more than going out on dates or ‘picking out curtains’.” kind of thing.

They’re roommates who kiss and “play house”. They are in love…but express it in their own unique way. They are openly affectionate. They keep people guessing, they confuse the neighbors, they have an “inside joke”.

Alberto lays on the housewife schtick: straightening Luca’s tie and sending him on his way with a packed lunch.

They call eachother heteronormative terms of endearment, mostly to be cheeky. Sarcastic “Honey” or “Dear” followed by someone affectionately ending up in a headlock.

They love to play with the human version of “married life”, little do they realize they’ve grown genuinely accustomed to it.

They’re queer but have no name and nowhere they’d rather be except each other’s arms (that one place that makes perfect sense).

They aren’t married…they never can get married…but that doesn’t stop them from sharing their homes, their beds, and a last name written on their Christmas cards.

In conclusion, humans say they’re gay.

The Paguro’s say “They built a farm together.”

SOURCES:

[overleftdown]

can u talk more abt his apparent affairs w teachers and relationship w sex in general? so many ppl gloss over that bit

of course! i'll link a couple posts for preface, although i'll probably paraphrase some stuff anyways.

[my commentary on sex and consent in saltburn.]

i received an ask regarding farleigh's queerness the other day, to which i tied in this little tidbit about farleigh's affirs with teachers. the explicitly male/male language that felix used when recounting farleigh's sexcapades with teachers was interesting to me. farleigh is pansexual (as stated in the screenplay), but felix uses male/male language exclusively. part of this could be the erasure of pansexual or bisexual reality. people either exclude the homosexual aspect of someone's identity, or the heterosexual aspect. but this could also mean that farleigh did only harbor affairs with male teachers.

that would be an interesting complex to think about. although women in positions of power are absolutely capable of abusing that power and asserting dominance over others, men have a different dynamic within that. the fact is, farleigh does things to gain the affections of other people, because he isn't automatically handed that affection. farleigh does play into teacher/student dynamics, whether it's overtly sexual or not. you can see this in the tutor scene and the brief montage moment where fareligh is sitting on the floor in front of the tutor, while they both ignore oliver. consider it an investment, of sorts. there's always a possibility that a white teacher will have academic bias against you, and the need to mitigate that is strangling sometimes. teachers are also just dicks. i find myself in "teacher's pet" positions for a number of reasons, a few of them are bias related.

where it gets complicated is the sex aspect specifically. if it is true that farleigh has been expelled from an absurd number of schools specifically for harboring teacher/student sexual affairs, then this is can really only be perceived as compulsive. also, can i just say, the fact that farleigh was expelled instead of the teacher being fired is disgusting. i kinda wanna call this evidence of discrimination, as well. queerness and perceived sexual deviancy, blackness and the constant inability to be seen as human and innocent. arghgh. i digress. the fact is, if farleigh truly was harboring sexual affairs with teachers for his own benefit and that alone, then he wouldn't have made the mistake so frequently. he would've recognized that the disadvantages outweighed the benefits and found other ways of playing teacher's pet. archie talked about the quickstart dynamic and said that although it was ambiguously consensual, farleigh is attracted to and aroused by power dynamics. many people are. where that compulsive need to buy into power dynamics comes from, i'm not sure. it could be a lot of things.

the neglectful nature of farleigh's upbringing could've resulted in a need for validation and attention from those who are in a position of authority. farleigh's queerness could've resulted in an internalized feeling of perversion that was then externalized through a desire to be taken advantage of. the nature of submission is also often linked to a need for control in other areas of life, and therefore relinquishing control in sexual dynamics. some marginalized people play into eroticization because it can be more validating than exclusion. many people learn to crave their own objectification, and it's often a manifestation of sexual trauma or other forms of trauma. if i get really convoluted and let my angst-fanfiction brain run wild, i start to imagine what environments farleigh was in throughout his childhood. as archie said, farleigh was involved in overly "mature" conversations and situations through his mother. what that could mean for farleigh's perception of sex, nobody knows. i can let my imagination go insane though. i can imagine a lot of weird scenarios. those are all conjecture, of course.

i'm just going to conclude that whatever sexual complexes farleigh has, they're not healthy. i don't think that they should be fetishized or ignored. i think that they're relevant to farleigh and oliver's on-screen dynamic, especially considering oliver was in a position of power over farleigh when they had sex.

[gracechasitysleftshoe]

I really wish people with public presences were given more space to be ambiguous and/or come out in their own time, or to just be private! Like yes we've seen some things, yes there is a good chance we will at some point or another see Angela come out as some flavour(s) of queer but if she does it should be on her own terms.

Like rpf is one thing, key word being fiction and remaining grounded in it being just that. Do I have my own private thoughts and feelings about it? Yeah. Just like I did before Kristen Stewart and Elliot Page came out, the first time (which maybe makes me sound ancient in Internet years, I've been around this block a few times, I've known I'm queer for 13 years, and I think about this a lot.) And like many it's because I look up to these people, I see myself in them or find them attractive. It makes it easy to project, especially when I myself have found so much freedom and empowerment in being very open and vocal about my queerness. But I have to imagine that feeling aware of external assumptions and pressures coming from the internet would really undercut that sense of freedom and empowerment.

Let's just ground ourselves in the fact that no matter how public someone makes their personality, they're still a normal vulnerable person like the rest of us. Just remember how private and vulnerable your own experiences in coming to terms with your own identity were. How it did or would've felt to have others assumptions added to the mix on top of your own processing. Like be excited when she does gay roles or what have you, but that can be done without placing labels, also a deep breath and just a little chill goes a long way. If she comes out that'll be the time to shower her with support, and I know we will good and well, but in the meantime, patience.

Honestly I could write a whole essay on this in a broader sense but it's Angela on my mind and this is a smosh/starkid blog

[pinene]

also im loving your takes on sexuality! i spent a lot of time trying to precisely define myself because i like for things to have objective answers and i really liked that there were specific terms for what i was feeling but eventually i just realized that saying panromantic homosexual or Kinsey 5 (i used to say 5.5 even though that's not really on that scale) or whatever at a certain point just wasn't helpful for me anymore (absolutely no shade to people who use things like that to describe themselves, fucking go for it!). it felt like i was shoehorning myself into a box that didn't quite describe how i felt - too many caveats and exceptions and gray areas. i think of sexuality conceptually as kind of like an electron field. you can be fairly sure of where it likely is but there's always ambiguity and trying to pin it down introduces all sorts of problems. now I'm just vibing, i still identify as a gay man in a general sense but nothing has to be absolute and im sort of just like "who cares at this point?"

Exactly! I understand why people thought I was trying to argue that sexuality is fluid, and maybe that’s my fault for not being more careful about my wording, but my only point was that sexuality is COMPLICATED, and any time you find yourself aggressively clamping down on words and boundaries, it’s kind of only a matter of time before you start trying to police yourself and others to ensure nothing bleeds over.

but this is a messy issue! The way that everyone on earth tries to violently convince lesbians that they may have some kind of attraction to men is nauseating, and I completely understand why so many of them NEED to be aggressive about these boundaries, or they aren’t respected. That’s why my post was like, high level academic philosophizing about identity politics, not necessarily a call for everyone to drop their identities. Just like, hey, checking in, when you’re around your gay brethren you can just simply be yourself, and not worry about your label. Or at least, that’s how I’d like it to be…

[gayluigi]

•bi lesbian

•white

yeah that explains it

You feeling alright, anon? Do you need a hug? I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. If the identity of some random person on tumblr bothers you to the point of contacting them anonymously to try and get a reaction out of them, it sounds like you’ve got a lot on your mind and might need someone to talk to.

I’m not being sarcastic here. Like I was gonna reply with some memey reaction image and call it good, but I do seriously worry about people like you. You don’t know me, and you don’t know anything about me. Still, you tried to, what, tear me down? Make me feel guilty about my sexual identity? I’m not even sure of your intentions here. But it sounds to me like you are in need of someone to show you some compassion. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.

I do identify as a bi lesbian. You know why? Because it has a nicer mouthfeel than gynephilic/gynesexual. I’m only sexually attracted to AFAB bodies. My fiancé is a transgender man, so I’m not just a regular woman-only lesbian. I used to identify as solely lesbian until I realized that it wasn’t really exclusively women I was sexually attracted to— it was AFAB genitals, to be blunt. I find them safe. I find them reassuring. They’re in my wheelhouse. I know how they work. Penises just aren’t sexually attractive to me. They frighten me. They intimidate me. It’s not that I hate or wouldn’t date AMAB people… I just wouldn’t choose to have sex with them. My identity is complex and layered. I’ve just chosen bi lesbian as my identity because it’s got enough ambiguity that I can describe it how I see fit.

I don’t see my identity as hurting anyone because I’m not forcing the lesbian community to accept me. It’s just a word I’m using. I’m not active in discourse circles anymore. I don’t force myself into the lesbian community where I’m not really welcome. I simply use it as an adjective. Nothing more, nothing less. If that really bothers you that much, I’m sorry that you’re stressed out about my identity, but I can’t control the way you feel. All I can do is offer my sympathy.

Also, I can see you’re trying to provoke me into saying something inflammatory by bringing my race into the equation. That’s not going to work. I have my race listed so that my followers know the life perspective from which I speak. I want to disclose my race because some people of color aren’t comfortable with white followers, or with following white people. I’ve seen people of color ask for white people to disclose their race on tumblr so that they know what they’re getting into, so I obliged. Simple as that.

Seriously, anon. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to. If no one else has told you this today… I care about you. Your life is important. You are a valuable person. You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else on this ball of dirt. Alright? ❤️ Take a deep breath. You are loved.

[romilly-jay]

In Praise of Short Stories

A perfect match to my shortened attention span and a merciful way to respond to my sudden, panicked feeling that I've been a Big Fraud when it came to claiming an identity as a reader because - hadn't really been doing all that much reading as it turns out...

This is also In Praise of Library Books and - not unrelatedly - In Praise of Those Emails That Warn You Just Before Those Library Books Fall Due For Renewal. [Today, they are due back - today.]

Used to think of myself as not especially interested in short stories. Did I think you couldn't get enough of the key details in before the wordcount ran out? I was wrong. I'm astonished how wrong I was.

(And I think that's because I'd completely under-estimated how much the reader's mind contributes - how many details we colour in for ourselves, how attuned we are to taking gestures and hints and making worlds from them...?)

Also, I now know that I love a *collection* of short stories - as in, by a number of different writers - and that's because // probably relevant in part to why I am less able to consider myself "a vociferous reader" than I imagined myself to be // - I'm PICKY. Meg-Ryan-ordering-lunch-In-When-Harry-Met-Sally levels of picky...

I want my stories to be comforting but not at the expense of intelligence... having room for ambiguity and spikiness without actually being gross or mean... not needing to spell everything out but also having coherent and discernible internal logic... with characters who have lived a little and who don't need to be likeable exactly but who also aren't AWFUL, because, my g*d, we're hanging out here voluntarily so it needs to be at least a little bit fun.

There were two stories in this collection that especially hit the spot for me - and that's great, isn't it, because now I can go and look for their longer works*. Roadside Attraction by Alix E. Harrow and I Remember Satellites by Sarah Gailey. Even better, I probably wouldn't have picked up a story called Roadside Attraction and more fool me because it was the absolute BEST.

This is not - NOT! - to diss the other authors. I'm sure the other stories are also excellent, if perhaps slightly better attuned for different readers, or myself in another moment/version of self. (Happens that the story by Catherynne M. Valente was actually set as one of our texts for my genre fiction class in the City MFA and - I really liked it at the time and if, this time, I found it hard to re-read that is no question a matter for me and late night reading and reaching the end of the day's allocated attention span...)

After all, they have in common the same editor and all of them also comes with Verified Publishing Track Record.

But Alix Harrow and Sarah Gailey won the rosettes from me, this time... so much so that in playing the little True Reading Name game with my occasionally-local bookstore, my mind bent from the overall collection to the first story within it and I borked the assignment.

Quite liked both the resulting name-smashes, though, if I'm honest...

*Which BTW is **precisely** how I found author Charlie Jane Anders (the first story from Even Greater Mistakes is *chef's kiss* IMO).

PS I was super happy to swing by the library and find that this book was out on the "just back" table of tempting offerings... I'm projecting, of course, but it feels slightly like an endorsement of my good taste in picking this collection to borrow (and my innate decency slash fear of consequences that had me return it... ;) )

[tw1stedthicket]

sad rant below lol just ignore me i just need this to exist in the world rather than not in my brain.

I crave death. Why am I questioning my sexuality again. I wanna cry dude I wish I didn't know any labels and just wanna fuck off into the woods and say I don't fucking know what I am except confused. I really, really like women, but also think sex with anyone is cool (even guys) because stimulation from multiple forms feels good and connection itself can feel good

and men can be cool but I don't really wanna date them though tbh, but also I can't say with 100% earnest that I have no appreciation why people are attracted to men because even though I do feel disgust sometimes at some things I also think painting with too broad of a brush erases the qualities/dynamics in people that transcend gender and are attractive in everybody and I can admit that I am attracted(*?) at times to men

or i at least feel kinda fuckin sick of it being funny to be repulsed by men bc like cmon touch grass at some point youre an adult why aren't men also great and desirable learn a different method of expressing your interest in other things than an online way of saying "ew cooties" to all of men who are individuals too

also I do think that at least for myself any hard line I draw feels redundant as fuck because the world is chock full of people and perhaps sexuality in and of itself is a phenomenon experienced in the context of others in relation to yourself meaning that it's heavily alchemized and influenced by people and there are always people who come across my path that I feel like I could really go through life loving and ppl's own genders can change as well or how they interpret even just "woman" means something wildly different and varying in its own way from a binary meaning that the utility of an identity emphasizing one specific "format" of person makes me feel icky, and also why the fuck does it make sense that i can be attracted to ppl who are bigender or genderfluid for example and they are women at times but men at others, like, is that a different kind of man? idfk.

but also I kinda feel like I don't know how to parse attraction vs. desire vs. arousal, and sometimes what I feel for men is more so arousal and getting off to the notion of being wanted -

except that probably has more to do with things like self esteem & someone finding me desirable, yknow (which is not hard to find in men, which with them being cool and all is like...well...*obligatory you have to be cool and reciprocate kicks in*) and even tho women are RIGHT THERE sometimes it's harder to believe that women, the vastly cooler ppl (lol sorry men i didnt mean to go back to being mean), would find *me* desirable, plus also it's prolly preferable sexual dynamics emphasizing wanted-ness (submissive peeps like myself WANT that setup of attention and desire and control so naturally I might gravitate toward that feeling), and overall male approval and validation can be a hell of a drug

a drug i might add that historically at no point in time in my life has ever been fucking normal and led to authentic experiences and always leaves me feeling like I just enjoy a cat and mouse feeling more than anything and being wanted - which in itself is interesting because a big aspect of feeling the resonance of an identity like "lesbian" that centers women is in how much greater i think life would be if i *wasnt* ever attracted to/desired/whatever men and vice versa and just lived in a world without those complicated feelings where every guy truly was just a bro to me and it was all kumbayah and i never had to worry about any ambiguity at all and i would pull that switch permanently off forever, and also because the fun always always stops the moment the other guy is interested in going further than just sexual messing around stuff and them experiencing legitimate /attraction/ like not just arousal or desire or pursuit but like legitimate ****romantic*** connection & that's a very gross and uncomfortable feeling that just kinda makes me feel guilty and wanna say "oh, buddy..."

except i don't know how to take it that as of the past few weeks i have been feeling fucking strange and topsy turvy because i for some reason have had my sex drive shoot through the fucking empire state building

and i know men are extremely easy access and you can play them like a fucking fiddle when all you care about is transactional (sorry men) and that's cool when you want to be all subby about it and let them dominate you which ppl into that are happy to do if you are a playful participant except also it feels incredibly shameful for me because i don't think that's what i truly want.

because why is this here when for the last few years i have been utterly enamored with women to the point i wanted to say "fuck all men!" and have been super happy to imagine life with women

and i also have some weird internalized beliefs/scripts im aware i unconsciously hold regarding women's sexuality and sapphic women's sexuality in particular that why do i sometimes feel like women are just purer or something and are like the people getting-fucked and not doing-the-fucking like deer or some shit like that classic tumblr post about how gay women dont owe anybody anything other than the nastiest sex they want to have. and all of the sparklies and butterflies in the world at beautiful women are also not just "hehe so pretty" but also "I WANT TO FUCK YOU INTO THE MATTRESS" and even how lesbian sex is im not sure how they do bdsm and i kinda feel at times like i'm operating solely in a vacuum just theorizing shit because it's not like i've even been able to have a single fucking conversation with a lesbian in my life -- ive met plenty of ppl attracted to women and even sapphics that are, but it's always a point of comraderie sometimes like "haha women are so pretty right"

NO FUCK SHIT DAMN IM TIRED OF THAT

I WANT TO MEET UP WITH A HOT WOMAN FOR COFFEE AND HAVE A GOOD CONVERSATION WITH HER AND FEEL AUTHENTIC AND REAL AND HEAR ABOUT HER LIFE AS SHE HEARS ABOUT MINE AND WE CLICK AND THEN MAYBE GO TO SOME STORES AND HANG OUT A LITTLE AND BE FLIRTY AND WE PICK OUT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON LIKES LIKE "HEY THIS IS SO YOU-CODED LOL" WHEN HOLDING A LITTLE FUCKING GHOST MUG

AND WE BE SILLY AND WALK AROUND OUTSIDE AND MAYBE FIND OTHER COOL THINGS TO DO TOGETHER THAT WE BOTH HAVE SHARED HOBBIES IN AND THEN SHE HOLDS ME AS I TELL HER ABOUT HOW VULNERABLE A FEELING IT IS TO BE SO HAPPY IN LIFE AND STILL YEARN SO BAD

AND SHE WOULD HOLD ME CLOSE AND CARESS MY HAIR AND TELL ME THAT MAYBE I JUST HAVE NEEDED SOMEBODY TO SHOW ME THAT I WAS WORTH YEARNING FOR TOO

AND WE BUY EACH OTHER LITTLE TREATS AND CALM EACH OTHER DOWN IN A PANIC AND LEARN TO TALK ABOUT HARD SHIT AND SHE GIVES A FUCK MAN AND WHEN IT COMES TO THAT POINT

WHENEVER IT IS

THEN SHE IS MATURE AND SMART ENOUGH TO BE HONEST THAT SHE WANTS TO FUCK ME AND WE CAN FUCK LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE AND HAVE DIRTY FUCKED UP FANTASIES LIKE WE ALL DO AND HAVE OUR MOMENTS AND IDK ITD BE VERY NICE IF SHE REALLY DID KNOW WHAT SHE LIKED AND SHE LIKED TO DOMINATE PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM FLUSTERED AND GOD LIKE IDEK HOW TO PARSE WOMENS SEXUALITY TBH BUT I KNOW I WANT IT

AND IM NOT HAPPY ANYMORE MAN. IM NOT SATISFIED AND FULL ANYMORE ON JUST THESE SUPER WONDERFUL DREAMS OF RELATIONSHIPS AND HAPPINESS KNOWING I HAVE THE FREEDOM TO PURSUE THEM I NEED TO ACTUALLY FUCKING PURSUE THEM

LIKE IM FUCKING LONELY AND THE THING ABOUT LONELINESS IS THAT ITS LIKE A FUCKING NEWTON CRADLE OR SOME SHIT THAT PINGS OFF ITSELF AND THE LONELIER YOU ARE THE HARDER IT IS TO STAND YOUR GROUND AS YOURSELF AND AS A WHOLE PERSON AND A COMPLETE PERSON AND YOU FEEL LIKE A WEAK DOG WHO IS PRONE TO BEGGING THE LONGER TIME GOES ON AND IT BECOMES EVEN MORE SHAMEFUL TO SHARE WITH OTHERS THAT SEE YOU AND WANT TO AVOID THAT DESPERATION AND I HATE THAT IT'S PROBABLY MY FUCKING RITALIN IVE BEEN ON THAT HAS MADE ME NEED DOPAMINE AND WANT TO BE HORNY AS SIN ALL THE GODDAMN TIME BUT I ALWAYS JUST END UP CRYING WHENEVER IM ALONE BECAUSE IDK IF I NEED MY HAIR PLAYED WITH AND KISSED OR MY FACE SHOVED IN A PILLOW BUT I NEED IT DJDIDIFIFOGOGOVOVOGOG

[coolgirlmedia]

Real People Cannot Queerbait: In Support of Kit Conner and Harry Styles

When the news about Kit Conner being outed came out a few days ago, I was angered just like many others. I'm not much older than Kit Conner myself and I can't imagine what it must be like to be outed like this so openly and publicly before you're ready. Young adulthood is so tumultuous and vulnerable and to have the autonomy over your sexual identity taken away from you simply because people couldn't mind their own business is such a terrible thing. As a straight, cis girl, I can't imagine what it must be like to be forced to out yourself like that on social media. I never want to speak over the LGBT community but as a staunch ally, there are certain things that I want to discuss.

For years I have seen the term "queerbaiting" thrown around, mainly in a real-world context and I've seen multiple celebrities accused of queerbaiting. I think it is very important right now, to acknowledge the fact that real people cannot queerbait (Queerbaiting - Wikipedia). Queerbaiting is a term that was meant to be applied to fictional media, not real life living breathing humans. The way a person dresses does not define their sexuality.

Celebrities deserve to have privacy too. Simply being in the public spotlight does not mean that you or anyone else is entitled to know about their private life. Even if you are part of the LGBTQ community, it does not give you, or anyone else, the right to speculate about someone's sexuality. A person who dresses or acts a certain way is not queerbaiting.

This applies to Harry Styles too. Harry is someone who has been in the public eye since the age of sixteen and he has thus grown up being watched very closely. His behavior and his style have changed the same way anyone's style would change over time. Tell me, do you still dress and act the same way you did at sixteen? I have seen some people say that he began wearing dresses and dressing femininely when he realized that "there was a market" for it but this could not be further from the truth. If anything, he has only grown comfortable in his own skin and feels like he is able to dress the way he wants to. Harry has said before "Am I sprinkling in nuggets of sexual ambiguity to try and be more interesting? No." He's simply dressing how he wants to dress. This has nothing to do with his sexuality.

Furthermore, I find it crazy that people feel they are entitled to know what his sexuality is. How is it any of your business? What makes you think he owes it to you, a random stranger, to come out and label his sexuality for your satisfaction? The amount of self-important, nosy, indignation someone must feel to expect that from a celebrity is mindboggling. In addition, Harry Styles is someone who has hinted at not solely being attracted to women in multiple interviews. He even has an unreleased song called "Medicine" where he mentions both men and women (Harry Styles - Medicine (St Paul) - YouTube).

"The boys and the girls are in I mess around with them And I'm okay with it."

Also, just because he has only ever publicly dated women does not mean that his sexuality is any less valid. And once again, his dating history is no one's business but his.

Harry has never called himself a "queer icon" nor has he ever tried to act like he's the "first man to wear a dress". He's not the first man to wear a dress by any means. It is other people, mainly his younger fans, who love to attribute these sorts of embellishments to him. Is the fact that he gets credited like this his fault? No, this is not his fault, and he does not deserve to get hated on because of this.

I was talking to someone who called Harry Styles a "queerbaiting piece of shit" a few weeks ago. Because they are part of the community, they felt that they had the right to assess whether or not he was worthy of being considered it a part of it as well. This had angered me greatly because it made me want to say, "who are you to decide whether someone is queer or not?" When I met them again just yesterday, I brought up how real people cannot queerbait in relation to the Kit Conner situation and this time they talked about Harry Styles very differently, acting like they hadn't called him a "queerbaiter" just a few weeks earlier. "He doesn't owe it to anyone to label his sexuality," they said. While I obviously agree, it annoyed me so much that they wanted to act like they hadn't said what they'd said about him not too long ago. I am however glad that they realized the error of their ways and changed their mindset.

I hope the people who outed Kit Conner feel ashamed of themselves. I also do hope that they take the time to reflect on what they've done and how their internet bullying and "queerbaiting accusations" have had a such harmful effect on a teenage boy who was not ready to come out.

Learn to leave celebrities alone. They owe you nothing.

[aro-comics]

Jealousy (Part 1)

Part 1/4 - finally starting the jealousy comic 🎉🥳!!! I guess it’s a weird thing to be excited about considering the subject matter but it’s a comic I’ve wanted to share for some time now. While I wish most of my comics could be positive/focused on the good parts of being aro, the fact of the matter is that its tough sometimes too. I struggle with feeling okay about my identity and I know some of you do too. I hope that this series can at least shed some light on these feelings, and remind us that we’re not alone in what we’re feeling even when it’s not great 💚 This parts mostly introducing how I was feeling a few months ago. I used to never have any sort of reaction to ship art, but these days more often than not I’m finding myself jealous. It really surprised me at first, because ... i shouldn’t technically feel this way, at least on the surface? I know I don’t want to date/feel attracted to people that way overall, so it doesn’t seem to make sense that I would feel jealousy. But after some reflection I realized what that feeling was based in (stay tuned for the next few updates 😉). P.S: just to clarify on the art of the ocs on slide 6 - they’re some really old characters I had from when I was a teen 😂 I used to think that they were my “ideal type”/the kind of people I would want to date but deep down I knew i felt nothing for them that way lmaoooo. It confused the heck out of me b/c I know that these two really would have been *perfect* for me technically. Guess it makes sense now tho cause I know I’m aro 😅

[Image Description:

Slide 1: “Sometimes, I look at art of people in (romantic) love …”

Celia sitting at a table, looking down at her phone with an uncertain expression. Her desk has a teacup and an open sketchbook where she has drawn one of her characters. 

Slide 2: A closeup of Celia’s hands holding her phone. She is on instagram, and is looking at what appears to be a sketch of two characters. A taller white person with a spiky short hairstyle with an undercut is leaning in for a kiss with a shorter south asian woman with a bob cut.  

Slide 3: “... and for some reason, I get so, so Jealous.”

Back to scene of Celia sitting at her desk. She leans down with her hand on her chin, and she looks dissatisfied. 

Slide 4: Celia talking to the viewer now. She gestures out with her left hand. “I’m not sure why, to be honest.”

Slide 5: “When I look at people in my life -”

A drawing of three different people against a green background. In the far back is a long-haired person with tan skin. In the middle ground is a girl with long, curly dark hair, light skin, and round glasses. In the foreground is a guy with light skin, wavy brown hair and a neatly trimmed goatee. 

Slide 6: “-even people I wish existed in my life -”

A coloured sketch of two characters on a piece of paper is pictured. On the left is an indian girl with long brown hair, light freckles, holding a phone and wearing a peach puff sleeve blouse. Next to her is her name, Chiara Minhas, along with her pronouns (she/her). On the right is a tall albino black man with short cropped hair and a black t-shirt with an ambiguous university crest. His name, Albion Whitham, is written along with his pronouns (he/him). To the bottom right of the sketch is a note that reads “Old characters from when I was a teen”.

Another note is written at the bottom of the slide in small text: “Note: These are old characters I used to say I would date”

Slide 7: “- I know I feel nothing for them like that. Because I would never date anyone.” Celia sitting, her hand again on her chin but in a more pensive or thoughtful way. 

Slide 8: “But somehow ... I feel this jealousy, all the same. They look so happy. Cozy, warm, safe and wanted.”

Celia looks down, with a slight frown. 

Slide 9: “And the comments are full of praise. Joy. Support.”

A close up on the scene of Celia sitting at the table from the beginning of the comic. She is trying to cover up a frown, and little popups are drawn from the phone showing the comments she is looking at. They say: “Wow! [multiple heart emojis] So cute”, “My OTP! I hope I can find that one day”, “So happy for them! [Another heart emoji]”]

[cottoncandychirine]

Queerbaiting in the music industry

Today I’d like to talk about the term « queerbaiting »and if it can be applied to the music industry. I will be focusing on two main examples : Katy Perry’s single « I kissed a girl » and more broadly the singer Harry Styles.

Queer baiting can be defined as the staging of ambiguous same-sex romance or queer topics in content but without making it explicit or official, the purpose being to attract LGBTQ+ audiences. Therefore when queerbaiting is used, it is not in an inclusive approach but rather in a marketing one. Following this definition, it is possible to find queerbaiting in the music industry notably in performances, music videos but or songs lyrics.

A clear example would be t.A.T.u’s music video of « All the things she said » which depicts the two female singers in a romantic relationship. However both singers have stated not being part of the LGBTQ community. The videoclip which came out in 2002, at a time where homosexuality was less tolerated than today, went viral notably for the kissing scene which was considered shocking in some countries. A recurrent pattern of queer baiting in the 2000’s was the depiction of sapphic relationships. « I kissed a girl » by Katy Perry represent -both in the videoclip and lyrics- a very homoerotic image of the singer. However we can ask ourselves if this single was really made to attract a queer audience. Indeed, the lyrics include a lot of stereotypes and reinforces the sexualisation of lesbian relationships which might be uncomfortable for LGBTQ members. I would argue that the videoclip and lyrics are a representation of sapphic relationship by the male gaze and therefore are made to attract a wider audience (which would be heterosexual people).

This theme is interesting as it both deal with mediation but also identities in the music industry. If before, queer baiting was used to mainly attract a male audience, today this process is not used as much- mainly because of the mentality changes in audience. Indeed, through the years, people became more alert and aware of LGBTQ representation. They are more critical and intransigent about queerbaiting. This even led to Katy Perry apologizing for her single, many years after its released: "Our mind changes so much in 10 years, and you grow so much. What's true for you can evolve.". It is now valued and esteemed for a singer to support the LGBTQ rights. We notice a lot more singers- notably the ones in connexion with a teen audience- agreeing with being associated with the LGBTQ community (by for exemple showing a pride flag during their performance). We could even ask ourselves if this support towards the LGBT community is genuine or if it is mainly related to the audience.

Indeed, some people would argue that queerbaiting is still present today but in a different form. The singer Harry styles for example has been accused of queerbaiting several times due to his big support to the LGBTQ community but also his clothings which challenges gender norms. Some says that Harry Styles being ambiguous about his sexuality is a way to attract a queer community while keeping the advantages and privileges of being « officially » straight. To this, Harry said that « I think everyone, including myself, has our own journey with figuring out sexuality and getting more comfortable with it. » Billie Eilish have been subject to the same kind of accusations after the release of her video « Lost Cause ». The main problem here is the vagueness around the singer’s sexuality, as they never spoke about it or seen with a same sex partner. In my opinion, the industry is definitely being more LGBT friendly because of the change of audiences, but does that make it a bad thing ? Could we reproach singers to be more open and supportive to a minority? It seems to me that even if some singers might be riding on the wave of queer support to promote their image, they are still doing good to the community as they are an example for a lot of people.

[spockshocked]

On “This Side of Paradise”

Watching the original Star Trek many decades after it aired, I cannot help but feel as though the conclusions I draw from certain lines, scenes, and even entire episodes must not be exactly as initially intended. Despite the caginess, both in canon and in external commentary, that Roddenberry and others employ in their discussions of the nature of Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock’s relationship, and the subtext often burgeoning on text especially to a gay viewer, Spock’s perceived gayness extends beyond his ambiguous relationship with his Captain. Many of the cues that might cause a gay viewer to feel reflected by Spock come via the quirks of his Vulcan nature.

One episode which deals particularly with Spock’s internal conflict vis a vis his mixed heritage is “This Side of Paradise,” the 24th episode of the first season. Spock falls under the influence of alien spores that cause him to break down in what appears to be immense pain, before he confesses his love to a woman named Leila Kalomi, whose love for him had been unrequited for six years. Spock spends the majority of the episode under the influence of these spores, canoodling with Kalomi and giggling while hanging from a tree branch, until Kirk roughly snaps him out of it and the stoic science officer returns to himself. The spores appear to render their hosts relaxed, blissful, and dazed, an effect which can be undone through displays of strong negative emotion.

The most striking result of his time spent under the influence is the melancholy that seems to overtake him once the effect is broken. Once he has his bearings and realizes that Kirk has intentionally riled him so that the spores lose their hold, the first thing he says is:

SPOCK: The spores. They're gone. I don't belong anymore.

In the context of the episode, “belonging” is the eerie, almost cult-like description for one under the influence of the spores. Taken at face value, Spock’s comment is merely an observation that he is no longer being affected by them; Spock often makes somewhat banal comments seemingly for the benefit of the audience’s comprehension. However, this one seems to carry a double meaning. Consider Spock’s heritage: half-human and half-Vulcan, Spock constantly finds himself torn between two clashing cultures, truly “belonging” to neither. A substance that enables his full emotionality, effectively tipping the delicately balanced scales of his identity, provides a sort of relief. With the negation of its effects comes a return to the inner turmoil he experiences every moment of every day.

Spock felt like he belonged when he was able to feel and express romantic love for a woman. A simple reading of this might be that the ability to process emotion gave Spock a sense of belonging, but there is once again another, deeper analysis to be made. The assumption that gay couples would likely be commonplace by the 23rd century aside, the fact remains that the show was produced in the 1960s and there are no canon gay couples to be found. Therefore, it is possible to work within a metric where one might have a reason to remain closeted. If we approach Spock as a closeted gay man, then the female object of his affections becomes a key element in his feeling of “belonging.”

In typical Star Trek fashion, the exact effect produced by the spores is never elucidated. The implication seems to be that it provides some lowering of inhibitions and propensity for leisure. However, the spores could also be seen as pushing their hosts to pursue their ideal lives. Doctor McCoy gets notably more Southern, his accent thickening as he walks around singing the praises of the mint julep. It seems as though, while under the influence, he pursues things that remind him of the comforts of home. 

Spock, however, has no such comforts. Instead, he becomes something he could never be: able to reciprocate the feelings of a beautiful young woman who has pined after him for years. Once the effect of the spores is broken, he must then break the news to her:

LEILA: I love you. I said that six years ago, and I can't seem to stop repeating myself. On Earth, you couldn't give anything of yourself. You couldn't even put your arms around me. We couldn't have anything together there. We couldn't have anything together anyplace else. We're happy here. [crying] I can't lose you now, Mister Spock. I can't.

SPOCK: I have a responsibility to this ship, to that man on the Bridge. I am what I am, Leila, and if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else's.

Spock’s response is cool, as we have come to expect from him, but notably more candid that most of his observations about his own experiences. He starts by claiming a responsibility to not only the Enterprise, but to Kirk himself. This could be a simple declaration of loyalty to his captain, as it would almost certainly appear to Kalomi, or an allusion to some repressed feelings that would only register to him. His next line, however, carries some serious weight. “I am what I am” refers to his Vulcan heritage, but as is often the case, it could also easily be in reference to his own homosexuality. Either way, he is explaining why he is incapable of loving Kalomi; the difference is whether he is incapable of love at all, or of love for a woman. His “self-made purgatory” is both his entrapment between his Vulcan and human halves, and his repression of his sexuality. 

Spock rarely speaks about his mixed heritage and the internal conflict it causes him, just as he rarely speaks of his own emotions at all, but it takes its toll on him. Briefly finding relief from this conflict only makes the return to it that much more difficult, causing him to be even more terse than usual. Kirk even points out that Spock has been quiet about the experience:

KIRK: We haven't heard much from you about Omicron Ceti III, Mr. Spock.

SPOCK: I have little to say about it, Captain, except that for the first time in my life I was happy.

Spock has spent his entire life trying and failing to completely repress his human emotions in an attempt to become fully Vulcan. When he finally has the chance to experience them in full, he breaks down in pain at the wave of repressed emotions before he finally experiences untainted joy “for the first time.” However, that is not his authentic self either. Neither a logical Vulcan nor an emotional human, he is eternally trapped between worlds, and was only able to find joy in a brief and unattainable fantasy. He is so discontent with his own nature that he cannot be happy as he is.

To a closeted viewer, this final line of the episode, delivered as dryly as always, is heartbreaking. The first time in Spock’s life that he was happy was when he ignored an integral part of himself that brought him pain in order to live a moment of a life that he could never have. To those who have repressed their sexuality, convincing themselves that they felt attraction to those of another sex because it was what would make them belong, watching Spock find joy in this fantasy only to be crushed when he must return to reality is painfully familiar. 

Analysis of Spock and Kirk’s relationship is generally sufficient to read them as a gay couple. When Spock is viewed in isolation, however, he still comes across as gay to many viewers. Spock’s innate perceived gayness relies not on his attraction to men, but on his repression of his true self and of the emotions that he cannot bring himself to face. While chalked up by the show to his half-Vulcan heritage, it still strikes a chord in a very human gay viewer. 

[galactichelium]

Don't reblog. This is a personal post.

I have such a complicated relationship with gender, like... Ok this is going below a read more bc I ramble a bit but if you were ever curious abt my gender stuff. Well. It's there.

I'm bigender, which on its own makes things complicated, but then it's also like. While one of my genders is straightforward (literally just being "man"), the other I find a lot more difficult to explain. I guess if I had to though, I'd say it feels very vaguely woman-aligned, and attached to some aspects of sapphic culture. I've had trouble saying this publicly up until now (because of how weird people are about non-lesbians using these labels), but how I've described it in private for like almost a year is that it feels very attached to specifically butch aspects of sapphic culture, but without being a woman. I know any queer person can be butch before anyone thinks or says it, in fact, in private I had been calling myself butch in more of a man way for a year before realizing I was bigender in this way. That my butch-ness was separate from my man-ness. I ended up realizing this because, while calling myself butch in private felt more accurate, there was something still wrong. And May last year I figured out why that was. So yeah I've been sitting on this for awhile lmfao.

If you've been following me for 3+ years, you've probably seen that I've in the past had a habit of flip-flopping with identities, and I think that's because, well, I'm bigender, and despite knowing abt bigender people, it just never occurred to me that I could be two genders simultaneously. I've now stuck with bigender for almost a year, which I'm pretty sure is the longest any label has stuck lmfao.

I tend to get gender euphoria from gender statements that some would see to be inherently contradictory, for example, anyone remember that one shirt going around for a bit that said "I'm not a girl but my boyfriend is"? Peak gender. And I'm obviously comfortable with being called all masculine terms, exclusively or otherwise. But the same isn't true with feminine terms. Most of the time I only like them when they are mixed in with masculine terms. I also wouldn't like a cis person to refer to me with feminine terms at all.

This whole thing also makes my relationship with the word "sapphic" very complicated. Because it's like, yes, in some aspects, I do feel like it would be accurate to describe myself as such. However, part of me is also adverse to it, because then I get worried people will think I'm more woman-aligned than I actually am. So then there's "trixic". But I don't really wanna call myself that either, because it's too ambiguous. Anyone nonbinary who is attracted to women can use that. And I guess there's also the whole thing that I'm obviously aspec, and due to that, haven't technically been attracted to a woman in practice. But I still know I'm bi because I know gender is completely irrelevant from my attraction. I guess it's weird in that, while gender is irrelevant from my attraction, my attraction is relevant to my gender. So I've always struggled with whether to call myself "sapphic" or "trixic".

So yeah. Gender. Complicated.

[mooifyourecows]

moo what do i do how do i tell the difference between infatuation and love and how do i tell the difference between romantic and platonic love and how do i tell the difference between romantic and platonic jealousy and how do i know who i’m really feeling all that for and how do i know i’m not just telling myself these things are the things i’m feeling my brain is exploding i

unfortunately, there's no real definitive line between any of those things. everybody is unique and experiences love in all its many forms in special and unique ways

some people think any urge to be physical (hugs, holding hands, kisses) is solely romantic whereas other people feel those urges for their purely platonic friends and family members. some people are asexual with an aversion to the physical things other people consider romantic staples but still feel romantic attraction and participate in what they and their partner contentedly consider a romantic relationship

then there are some people who are perfectly comfortable integrating sexual attraction/acts in their platonic relationships with zero feelings of romance!

everybody feels things differently and that's beautiful, but it CAN be confusing for people who haven't fully grasped where their personal forms of expression land on the scale. totally natural! especially if it's new to you 🖤

luckily, you don't have to have all the answers. the best thing to do when you begin to have new, confusing feelings is to sit with them for a while. watch over them like a newly budding plant. at first, it's not going to be obvious what's about to grow, but if you're patient, and if you feed it the things it needs, sunshine and water and soil (time and patience and care), eventually you'll figure it out

infatuations are like dandelions. they usually happens quickly and can easily be uprooted with your changing feelings. love doesn't go away so easily, it lingers and spreads like mint, and takes a lot of digging and hacking to fully get rid of it. but even if you think you've removed it all, you might find lingering sprouts for years to come because love has a way of influencing just about every aspect of your identity, from the songs you like to your deeply rooted morals.

if you've sat with your feelings for a while and they don't seem to be going away, but are instead growing and spreading, consuming the rest of your garden, you might have a mint or love infestation. but if your feelings are more like a dandelion, bright and cute for a while before turning into a fuzzball blown away by the breeze just to pop up somewhere else, over someone else, then hey, that sounds like an infatuation to me.

jealousy isn't easy to pin down. as a jealous person, i find myself getting huffy and pissy over the smallest and stupidest things. if i had to figure out which ones were platonic and which ones where romantic and which ones were none of the above and which ones were etc, i think i'd drive myself insane. it's okay to not know all the ins and outs of that emotion. acknowledging it, letting yourself feel it, and then moving on so that it doesn't ruin your day is enough

it's okay to not have all the answers, babe. i'm on my way to the big 3-0 and i don't have much at all figured out myself. not everything has an answer anyway, you know? sometimes things are infuriatingly but gorgeously ambiguous and we just gotta live with that

cut yourself some slack! sleep on it. sit with your feelings and care for them gently and someday they'll feel more natural. things make so much more sense when you rid yourself of the pressure of labeling and boxing everything into constrictive little compartments. just let yourself grow and flourish like a beautiful garden of wildflowers (it's better for the environment) 🌈🌱

[islandofsages]

HELLO HERE'S THE RAMBLE-Y ASK

to start, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR YOIMIYA!!! you may have lost the 50/50 but she still came home in the end!! i am unfortunately skipping her bc i got her when she had her first banner but if she has a rerun next year and i'm not planning on pulling anyone around her then i'm 100% going for cons

ALSO ABOUT THE SLIP UPS, I ABSOLUTELY AGREE!! i don't know if it's just me but man, i read through what i write like 50 times before sending an ask or posting something even if it's just one sentence — I GUESS IT'S JUST ANXIETY BUT I FEEL LIKE THERE'S NO WAY PEOPLE JUST TYPE SOMETHING OUT AND THEN POST IT?? there's gotta be at least a once-over, right?? it's important to catch mistakes especially when it comes to pronoun slip-ups :( i really wish there was more inclusion in the fanfic community, not even just when it comes to gender, but sexualities, skin colors, different body types, even disabilities, etc!!

if i came across a fanfic about a chubby, aroace, nonbinary reader who gets support for their identity, mental disorders & disabilities, and comfort for their insecurities? i would actually ascend to the clouds. i would read that fic so many times until i'm able to recite it word for word. THIS IS THE KINDA STUFF I WISH I CAME ACROSS MORE. omg and neopronouns. i use a set of neopronouns do you know how cool it'd be to me to read a fanfic with a reader who uses cub/cubs pronouns AAAJSJDKSKS

i know fanfics are usually made to be super ambiguous so most people can insert themselves but if there can be specified genders that only people who identify as that gender can read then i feel like people could expand into other things as well. maybe they wouldn't get a ton of likes but even the smallest chance that it'd make someone's entire day should be enough to post it yk??

i actually have my own writing blog that i haven't really posted on much, but what i have posted has been romantic x readers because i know that's what gets attention. i mean i don't mind romantic x readers i think they're fun to read even though i don't feel romantic attraction myself but I ABSOLUTELY PREFER PLATONIC X READERS BUT I AM KINDA AFRAID TO WRITE THEM BC I DIDN'T KNOW IF ANYONE WOULD ACTUALLY READ THEM

but after coming across your account, which i am SO GLAD EXISTS, i realize big numbers don't matter, what matters is that the right people see the fics and are happy to know that there's people in this reader insert community that are just like them!!

(about the misgendering thing; i have a funny story! so i have a new therapist, and she's really cool she's the first therapist that i have ever seen to ask for my preferred name and pronouns — which fyi is extremely rare in this really small Catholic town i live in FISEK — and actually understand my aroace identity. yesterday, we were having our session in her car at my house and my dad had come home from work for lunch and stopped to say hi, said something about me to her that misgendered me. when he walked away my therapist turned towards me and asked "you looked anxious when he was walking over here, are you okay??" and i was like "yeah i just knew he was gonna misgender me :(" and then we talked about how it made me feel and she was SO VALIDATING. i mentioned how i live in a very small conservative town; it's very homophobic and transphobic here, very VERY hard to find another queer person. but my therapist told me that there are actually quite a few trans people in my town that she sees and that i'm absolutely not alone here AND THAT MADE ME SO HAPPY BC AAAAA)

^ that was longer than i meant for it to be JDJWKEKD

i swear kid's shows are so good with the found family trope — Alvin and the Chipmunks, Sonic, MY LITTLE PONY

AND THE FOUND FAMILY IN GENSHIN AAA the first thing that comes into mind is albedo and klee, i adore them both in my heart alice has adopted albedo and that alone makes me so DANG HAPPY

ABOUT THE QPRS I FRICKIN AGREE it isn't something that's exclusive to aspec people, i feel like sometimes allos end up in something like a qpr unintentionally?? like before i realized i was aroace i was very close to one of my friends — cuddling, hand holding, etc — if i knew what a qpr was back then i'd have asked about being in one with them. EVEN IF I DIDN'T END UP REALIZING I WAS AROACE and just managed to find out what a qpr was i still would have brought it up with them yk??

i have never officially been in a qpr because i'm too awkward and i have really bad social anxiety LOL but HEY, that's what fictional characters are for HEHE

I'M ALSO THE ELDEST SIBLING!! i have one brother and he's 16 months younger than me and an asshole HAHA

i'm so attached to the idea of an older brother, specifically a protective one, because the idea of having a sibling older than me who wants to protect me makes me feel so safe and secure in an environment where i'm not and AH!! that's probably why i'm so attached to thoma as a big brother

ironic bc he's a shield character DKISKEKD

AND THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH MY REALLY LONG ASKS AND TENDANCY TO RAMBLE i currently have diagnosed adhd but i'm not being treated yet and i am just so bad about being overly talkative people have told me i don't even stop to BREATHE when i speak

which is true, i get so out breath after a while that i'm literally gasping HDISKEKDKO

ANYWAY I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY ❤️❤️

- 🐯

THANK UUUUUU i mean i spent so much on her it almost feels like a lost yknow? but thats just me being ungrateful HAHA in the end she's very worth it shes so fun to play also shes ADORABLEEEE UGH also oooo initial banner yoimiya haver huh? based af. also the fact that you even want her cons what a chad

SAME THOOOO especially when it comes to messaging i have to double-check everything,, and FRRR WE NEED MORE DIVERSITY IN FICS actually i do plan on writing chubby reader bc im chubby myself :D i just want my comfort charas to think my chubbiness is cute instead of it being an ugly trait LOL also omg yes neopronouns i actually used to go by some neos but then nobody used them so i stopped using them myself too LMAOOOOO

and yeah true like while x reader fics are mostly written to appeal to the general masses, sometimes it's just not enough yknow? like sure i could settle for gn!reader but goddamn the euphoria i get from male reader fics....immaculate. and yeah i used to write romantic fanfics for the same reason - for clout. i mean, i did enjoy it somewhat but at the same time, it's not the only thing i wanted to do. not when non-romantic relationships are deemed insignificant.

so i started this blog. im very, very aware of the lack of attention i get but i genuinely dont care. bc at least im actually doing what i wanna do instead of doing what most people do to easily grab attention. like sure, your ayato x reader marriage fic got 10k notes - so what? marriage and romance are so overrated, especially those two combined. the only time i'll ever write a marriage fic is for a (queer)platonic marriage lmao

god bless your therapist's soul thats so nice of her!! i can relate to living in a small conservative town LMAO literally no one i know is queer (well at least, not outwardly which is understandable bc my whole country is very queerphobic). hope you find your trans buddies soon!!!

YEAHHHH tbh the whole knights of favonius is just a big happy family. also zhongli and hu tao + xiao,, and yeah that's the thing tho - ive seen people say that qprs were like normal back then but suddenly now they're not?? the only difference is that back then no one had a word for it. but now we do!! so we gotta educate and spread awareness!!! ive been in a qpr and it lasted like 5 months LMAO tbh i didnt really treat my ex any different from when we were friends,, so now we're back to being besties teehee

PFFFFT younger brothers are like that,, mine is a lazy ass motherfucker who contributes nothing to my life or even society. hate his ass. and yeah tho i dont really think about it, the thought of having an older sibling caring for you and being a role model for you is appealing...which is why i enjoyed childe's story quest LMAO but yass big brother thoma supremacy 🔥🔥🔥

IT'S OKAY you can talk to me about anything !! i actually like talkative people bc im really quiet irl so at least i dont have to come up with topics to talk about and overthink LMFAO

i hope you have an amazing day too hun <3 you dont mind me calling you that right? i have a tendency to call people endearing nicknames so please do tell me if you're uncomfortable with it !!