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oktorpg · 1 year ago

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Finding Their Way Back - Book 3 – Chapter 3 – Storyline 8 - Together

•— Raven —•

“Well…” Coughs on my moonshine.

•— John —•

"See something you like, Stargazer?"

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head, pointing to the metal glass. “Just a strong batch”

•— John —•

Smirks. “I'd be more inclined to believe you if you shared?” Quirking a brow.

•— Raven —•

Pulling my cup away and shaking my head. “Oh. No. I’ve only just had a sip. I need two more before I share.”

•— John —•

I laughed and tipped the bottom of the cup up toward her lips. “Drink up then! A man could die of thirst here.”

•— Raven —•

Frowning with a smirk I take a sip. “Someone would think you want my drink more than I need it.” Taking another sip, then holding the cup out.

•— John —•

“Need it? To turn the frown upside down?”

•— Raven —•

“Turn what? Huh? Frown? Why would you do that?”

•— John —•

“Isn’t that why we drink moonshine? To…” I raised my brow. “Enhance our moods?”

•— Raven —•

“Enhance?” Pulling back the extended hand. “I do not need any Enhances thanks. I’m perfect.” Tongue and cheek with the sarcasm dripping.

•— John —•

I reached out for the cup as she pulled it back. “Really? So… what are we drinking to?”I took the cup and sipped. Just enough of a taste to draw a line heat down into my stomach.

•— Raven —•

Letting my cup go, even if I didn’t want to. “Not dying today? Isn’t that worth a little something?

•— John —•

“So, you’re celebrating? Because I hate to be the one to tell you….” I leaned in close and whispered. “You’re doing it wrong! Celebrations normally come with smiles.”

•— Raven —•

Pulling back just enough to look at him. “Do you know what else is done with a smile?” Taking my glass back for a sip again. “Taking Dick to your foot and seeing how long it takes you to walk again. Shall we try it with a smile?”

•— John —•

I surrendered her glass without a fuss. “If it will make you smile... I might even stand still for you while you do.” My expression was blank, not giving away if I was serious or not.

•— Raven —•

“Sure. Waiting a minute. WHAT?” My eyes shooting up in shock. “Tell me it’s not so? The survivor is willing to go down without a fight?” Handing the glass back.

•— John —•

At least that seemed to pique an emotional reaction from her. “I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me, Stargazer.” I took the glass an took a big swig this time.

•— Raven —•

“You know what. You can keep this glass.” Pointing to it, before looking around for another. “Before you really start to give up hope.”

•— John —•

I shook my head and smirked.

“Don’t worry too much Rey…” I chuckled darkly. “People might start to think you care.” I winked at her. She cared… she cared about all of lives… I didn’t understand why… but even when she hated me, I was counted among those she cared for.

•— Raven —•

Rolling my eyes at him. “Don’t let your imagination run too wild there, Watcher. Some of us do think of others.”

•— John —•

I nodded and took sip. It stung… lately it felt like every time I tried to think of others, I made things worse or was punished for it.

“And some of us just suck it I guess.”

•— Raven —•

Shaking my head. “Nope. Some is us are just misunderstood.” Shrugging my shoulders. “I hope.”

•— John —•

I laughed darkly and dragged my hand through my hair. “You sure know how to confuse a guy Reyes… I’ll give you that.” I drowned the last of the shine.

•— Raven —•

Watching him out of the side of my eye pulling the jar of shine out from under the table. “You sound shocked. It’s like you don’t even know who I am.”

•— John —•

I laughed again this time a little less self-pitying. “Okay… touché… I’m not on my A-game right now.”

•— Raven —•

“Not enough shine will do that to even the best of them. Let alone a survivor back on a ship.” Pouring myself a fresh drink now.

•— John —•

I glanced out the nearest window at the still-burning planet below. “Better up here than down there.” I refilled my glass. “What think the chances are of the nerd squad figuring out how to make moonshine out of algae?”

•— Raven —•

Glancing out the same window at the burning planet that had been home for a little while. “Hmm?” Shaking my head and the. Nodding. “Hmm… if we know them. They are working on it as we speak.”

•— John —•

“You mean working on the bunker?” I asked her… I mean even when the planet stops burning, I will still be five years before we can survive on the ground… right?” I filled the glass again. “I just hope when we go back…. we land nowhere near Polis. I don’t think I have it in me to survive another war.”

•— Raven —•

The glass that had been meant for my lips stopped midway and hovered there as his words sank in. “Land nowhere near Polis?” I whispered.

“We wouldn’t have a say, five years is a long time. And we would have to watch everything to see where we could bring again.”

I was talking to myself. Maybe. “I…. Maybe… it’s…. Possible?” I didn’t know if it was right now. “Hmm… time will tell.”

•— John —•

“How many beginnings have we had already?” I laughed... Because what else could we do but start again. “Maybe Sangedakru have the right idea... Just keep moving... That you can't ever lose a home.” Too many memories of the mansion... allowing myself to feel like I was home... allowing myself to believe I had been accepted by the people there. It was painful to think of it now.

I shook away the thoughts of it and drank, burning the feeling away. “You know the grounders won't just let it go... That Jaha and the great of Skaikru stole the bunker.”

•— Raven —•

“That’s not that answer. I refuse to believe it is.” The mansion had become home. “Home is where we can make it work, for however long.” Taking a sip from the jar as he had stolen my glass. “So, it’s up to us to show them we aren’t all the same lowlifes to do as the others did.”

•— John —•

“I never really had one before... Not since...” I shook my head I wasn't going to go there. “We knew the Mansion wouldn't last... And we-- I... let it--” I turned my gaze to her realising she was drinking from the jar and offered her the glass instead. “Could you really do it again? Let a place be home knowing you'd lose it eventually?” the question was genuine. I wanted to know... To see if it was possible for me too one day.

•— Raven —•

Turning to face him again, my hazel eyes a little damp from the memories that would live with me until the final sleep closed my eyes.

I took the glass from him, setting the jar down to have a drink and then looked to the burning planet once again. “It is. It has to be. otherwise, I would have given up fighting and died a long time ago.”

My freed hand moved to rub my hip without thinking about it.

“Home is people, John. Not places. Maybe we gave too much emphasis and forgot the truth? So, yeah. We can make it happen again. I will make it so.”

•— John —•

Dragged my hand through my hair... Just so could hide my face while I tried the swallow the limp in my throat at her watery eyes. I was afraid to have hope... So, all I said was. “You called me, John.”

I followed her gaze to the window, then moved it down to her hip when she rubbed it. “I bet you miss the pool though.” It was the only time I remember her at complete peace.

•— Raven —•

Our home was burning up before our eyes. The last time it happened we weren’t even alive. Sighing and taking another sip from the glass before holding it out for him.

“It’s your name.” My voice was low. I knew what he was saying. “A person’s name has their identity in it. I don’t want to take yours away from you.”

Reaching over to lean my shoulders on the side of the window I closed my eyes. “I am going to miss those nights. Looking up to the stars. And the floating. But we have ZoneGs up here.”

•— John —•

That chuckle slipped past my lips again and I silenced it as fast as I could. “I suppose it is.” but we both knew that John and Murphy we're two different people.

Only days ago, I could have put an arm around her and taken some weight off that painful hip... But today I had to let her lean on the window. I swigged from the jar.

“Not sure we could justify a spacewalk in place of a fistful of pain meds.” this chuckle was more... Amused. “Is the anywhere inside the ship without gravity? Only the rotating parts of the ship have it right? Like on The Ark?”

•— Raven —•

Rubbing my eyes, I took another sigh as I reopened my eyes. My mind trying to concentrate however it had been a while since sleep was had, and the shine was doing its job.

“You’re a buzz kill. And here I thought it was my job to do that.” One last glance out the window before I turned back to look at him.

“I’m not sure yet. I still have a lot to learn about this ship. This ship is much older. Have you seen the wooden benches and the way they are bolted to the ship? I mean it works... however, unlike anything I’ve seen in my training.”

•— John —•

"Really? That's a first?" I chuckled. I could honestly say that was one thing no one had ever called me.

"Oh yeah, I got up close and personal with them in the brig." I turned to her and smiled... "I'm sure there's a way to figure out where the ship has oxygen and zero-g right? I mean... you are Raven Reyes after all?"

•— Raven —•

“There’s. First time for everything.” Shifting while leaning on the window at remembering him in the bring and how I left him there, I took a gulp from the glass emptying it.

“I will work it out. Just not the first priority on the million things on my list of things I need to work out.Every ship in space has a Parabolic chamber. A place the oxygen can be reduced to the atmosphere within, to hit an internal zero gravity. It won’t take long to find it and simulate the exterior of the ship.”

•— John —•

I smiled, shaking my head. “I mean sure...I have no doubt... But aren't you the only mechanic in this ship right now?” I sipped on the moonshine.

“Seems like a priority that the only person with the skills to keep this tin can in orbit, should be right up there on that list... And if her pain relief can come in the form that isn’t drugs that will knock her out...” I shrugged.

“Just seems logical.... But i’m just the delivery boy.” I smirked.

•— Raven —•

Straightening up the moment he pointed my pain out. Crap! I hadn’t been thinking how my standing here would look to others.

“The ship in standing, and it has been for hundreds of years. I’ve given it a once over. My priority was to get back and save your arse as well as everyone else.” Did he think I was slacking or not doing my job?

“I’m doing the best I can Murphy. Right now. Making sure people don’t die up here when and if we put them to sleep, is the highest priority. Sorry if I’m not working fast enough for you.”

Frowning I set the glass down to the side. “I guess my break time it over. I should get back to work.” Shaking my head, what was I even thinking? He was right. I didn’t have time to stand around daydreaming.

•— John —•

Shit! That took a nose dive… fast. “Rey, wait!” I held out my rm in front of her… still making sure she could step around me if she wanted to. “That’s not what I meant… I just…”

I pulled my arm back and dragged in through my hair. My fingers clenching a bit. “Remember when we could talk and actually hear each other? Understand…. Each other.” I stared at the floor. “It wasn’t that long ago it.”

•— Raven —•

Stopping before I walked into him my eyes moved all over so that I didn’t have to made eye contact with him.

My heart sank thinking of those times. When we could sit in one another’s company, not say anything and know it was fine. And when we did speak. It all just made some form of sense. Even if we didn’t see eye to eye.

“Doesn’t seem like we still have that… connection anymore.” I finally said. And I missed it.

•— John —•

I managed to look at her now. And it hurt, it hurt to see that this fact caused her pain. I’d caused her too much pain already.

“But just something is broken… just because I… broke it…” I cleared my throat when it constricted. “Broken isn’t the same as unfixable. Right?” I gave the best smile I could call up when I quoted the lovable Android from a book I had given her once. It really much of smile, my would felt heavy again.

Would she remember? Had she even finished that story? Did she know how broken I was?

•— Raven —•

My heart stopped beating for a second or two, thinking of the droid who said that. “Broken isn’t the same as unfixable…” I so wanted to curl up and read that book again. It had become one I went back to since he gave it to me.

“It doesn’t, however somehow, we keep ripping the bandage off before the scars are healed. And each time… the wound is deeper.”

He wasn’t the only one… I broke us too. I had a hand in it. “I… mi…” shaking my head, as my throat closed. If I said it… I wouldn’t be able to take it back.

•— John —•

I couldn't let myself linger on what she might have said. There were too many things it could be... there were too many things that she could say to me and all of them would cut too deep. And deserved to say all of them to me after everything I had done.

"Every time I try to... " I clenched my jaw and cleared my throat. What was going to say? Make excuses for the stupid things I'd done... thinking they would fix things? Or at least start to... what was the point?

It wouldn't change the fact I'd done them. "I'm just... sorry."

•— Raven —•

Tilting my head to the side I watched him now. As in really watched. Was this the same as the last times? Where we would apologise to one another, and tomorrow would become another day when we betrayed the friendship we hoped to rekindle?

Or would this be the start of a new form of that friendship we shared on the island? Where we could sit and talk the night away. Eat crackers and chocolate sauce. I shook my head. Not raising to that hope in my heart.

“Actions Murphy. Not words. We both have a long path ahead of us.”

•— John —•

My eyes burned and I dropped my arm, I mangled what was going to be a sob into a laugh… “See… that’s where I just can’t seem to shine. I couldn’t cut it in the med bay… I tried to keep us all together and failed miserably at that… I tried to protect Luna and… well that was shit show.” I tapped my fingers reflexively on the sides of my empty cup. “It’s been so long since I cared about anyone but myself…. Maybe I just always sucked at it.”

I hadn’t meant to say that part out loud. Shit! I put the cup down. “I guess I…. I should get back to work too.”

I puked out two foil packets from my pocket and slipped them into hers. “These are the last two meals you’ve missed. No one is losing out because I gave them to you. Please eat… so at least I can say I did one thing right. Even if it’s just being a delivery boy.”

•— Raven —•

“Wait. You know what. Let’s agree to less action from you.” He was making a good point here, whenever John Murphy went to action. Things backfired. His face was proof of it. I pushed the two packages back towards him. “Give them to someone who hadn’t had as much as me over the last few weeks.”

Our time on #Becca’s Island had been good on those who were there. “Some of the kids look like they could do with extra. Please give it to them. I’m okay.” Pocketing my hands into the pockets of the jumpsuit that had now become my uniform.

•— John —•

"The harder I try the worse the outcome." I tried to make my chuckle sound real... but I wasn't sure if I succeeded. I shook my head and looked at her. "I um... I can't... if people think that I'm willing to break the rules or play favourites... It would cause problems." I cleared my throat.

"We'd up like we were on the Ark... using rations to trade power and influence. For as long as I'm on the code to that door... that's not going to happen again."

•— Raven —•

It surprised me that I could still see through the mask he sometimes put on... no... he put that mask on all the time. The only time I saw it come down was on the island, and now it was back in place.

My eyebrows pulled together, why hadn't I thought of this myself? of course if people saw the rules were bending for some, they would find ways for it to work for them.

Taking my hand out of my pocket I took the package from him. "I didn't mean it like that. I don't want things here to turn out like the Ark. I'm working as hard as I can to make sure this ship doesn't end up like the last one. But I guess I'm failing these things." Holding up the food packet.

•— John —•

“No… Rey, you’re not failing. I just… I..” I sighed and dropped my gaze to the floor. Again.

“I’m trying to do something right. And as much as o would love to give more to the kids… or the pregnant lady from Trikru… I can’t.” I looked at the package in her hand. “It just can’t be me. If they think Skaikru is being unfair with food… then…”

I didn’t need to finish that sentences she knew that all hell would break lose. “I’m trying not to fuck this up. I really am.”

•— Raven —•

My feet twitched to move a step closer towards him, however I stopped the impulse. It wasn’t my place anymore. Rubbing the bridge of my nose, the frown deepened on my features.

“No… I get it. I understand… they can’t see the one who is in charge of the food paying more attention to one person or clan. It could begin a clan war when we only just got them to sit around a table without wanting to kill one another, or us.”

I hugged the pack to my chest. “I shouldn’t have asked you too. I should have known better than this.” He was trying to do better? That meant he was thinking about his actions and their reactions. That was new, wasn’t it?

•— John —•

“I’m just… I’m trying to do this right. I know that they will all likely be sleeping soon. But I understand the impulse, especially with the little kids, some of them were half starving before the radiation.” She looked…. Shifty… this conversation, all our conversation now so awkward.

“But I promise you, I worked hard on the meal plan. I did everything I could to make sure everyone got what they need. The kids and the pregnant woman get extra protein and nutrition packs. They’re getting everything they need… other than flavour and feeling full.”

Just like on the ark. When we actually received our ration, we were well nourished… but never satisfied.

•— Raven —•

Taking another heavy sigh. “Well nourished… however… never satisfied.”

Those memories felt like nightmares for those who didn’t even receive their allocation. How things had been for me too before #Finn and his family had stepped up for a girl who didn’t belong to them. “I know. I know.” And some part of me did know. “It’s the one thing the council actually agree on. That everyone is receiving food. That there is no division involved when the food is shared.”

And now I found myself half smiling. “It’s nothing like the food we ate at home.” clearing my throat the moment the word had left my lips. “I mean… on the island..”

•— John —•

I was sure that some people were sharing rations or maybe even going without so their kids or elderly could eat better… but I was the face they all saw handing out the food. I couldn’t be the one breaking the rules. Even if it was helping someone with a greater need.

“It’s okay.” I told her. Letting the subject of rationing go. “I still call it home too:”

•— Raven —•

My eyes shot over to John, for him to admit that he thought of a place like home couldn’t have been easy. Or was that just me? Sucking in a deep breath through my teeth a shiver washed over me as my eyes turned back to the window. “Our home is burning.” That thickness in my voice evident.

“It feels like a dream now.” Finally admitting the sensation of dread growing inside.

•— John —•

I heard the shudder in her breath and the sadness in her voice… “Yeah.” My voice cracked. “I know you say home is where your people are… but… the place. Even with the luxury and the beds… the showers. It’s not even all of that…” I cleared my tightening throat.

“It was not being hungry. Not flinching are every footstep behind you… not being treated like…” I stopped. It hurt her when I used the word cockroach… but would it still? Or was that how she saw me again?

•— Raven —•

My body tightened waiting for the word I knew he would use at the end of this sentence, the dislike of it ran down to my core.

However… it didn’t come… turning my head slightly to bring him into my sight line I watched him with some hesitation. And still it did not come. “A place where you do not need a knife to sleep, or a gun? Where you finally could remove your shoes because you knew you were save and sleep wouldn’t be filled with nightmares.”

Saying the words with the memory of a knife being place to my throat because of his nightmares.

•— John —•

The watched the planet burn… I could feel her gaze on my cheek. But I couldn’t lol at her… I was afraid of what I might see in her expression. Judgement was never her style…. Disappointed, though, that was impossible to hide. Had the girls told her about my makeshift alarm? or how badly I missed my handgun? All our weapons had been taken when we disembarked from the transport ship. The only thing I managed to keep was my hunting knife.

I flinched… I remembered how close if come to killing her with that knife… I never kept it near me when I slept anymore. Did that mean her dreams were getting bad again? We’re they as bad as mine? “I’m still really sorry about that… but the nightmares… you they weren’t as bad when you weren’t alone… on the island at least.”

•— Raven —•

Resting my forehead to the glass I waved him off. “You don’t have to be sorry for that.” I knew that he was thinking of the same night. Certain that the reflection of the burning planet could be seen in my irises I left no space for anyone to see them.

“I’ve been alone for a long time, Murphy. The island was just a nice illusion. A moment in my life that I wished could be true. But then, it what always happens. I see the light in the darkness when the world tells me there is nothing. And now….” Would I give up? No. However, it just took longer to stand up again.

•— John —•

“Oh…” I blinked stinging eyes… there was so much in her words I should focus on but there two the stood out starkly… Murphy. I was Murphy again… and ‘I’ve been alone for a long time.’

“I… uh-“ I swallowed hard. Had she felt alone the whole time on the island? Had she never felt even a small amount of what I had… like someone believed in them… cared… like we were… a team at least, maybe just maybe friends? Had I been stupid to think she’d ever think it was possible?

I clenched my jaw to keep it from quivering. “I guess… ultimately we’re all alone.” What else could I say. That I was there, I was fighting for her to live, trying the make the last days of her life more than work and pain and survival. I couldn’t… because I had tried to leave… and now none of that meant a damn thing.

“At least, it was a pretty illusion… for a while.” I touched the glass… and wondered if it would have been better if I’d stayed. If I’d burned to the ground with the illusion of home and belonging. Death seemed more peaceful than the death of hope.

•— Raven —•

“Yeah.” The word thick in my throat. There were so many images and things flying around my memories.

#Luna returning with meat the first time.

#Griff and #Monty trying to learn how to sit still!

Everyone sat around the table eating, talking, laughing.

#Bells getting locked in the basement.

#Abby and #Kane smiling while sat watching the madness that was us…

John… teaching me to float in the pool…

John… sleeping at the end of my bed when I woke from my darkness…

John… showing me the rose garden….

John… breaking down on the beach.

John… who never really wanted anything but to survive. And that’s what he was doing. It was his truth, and he was proud of it. He had shouted about in loud and clear. So, really, I was the fool who thought he could want anything different.

“And now… this is our reality.”

•— John —•

The despair in her voice was too much to bare. The urge to hug her and tell her over and over I was sorry for letting down was too much... The only reason I was able to stop myself from doing was that I knew it would drive us further apart.

“I really hate this, Raven...” I said then realised she might assume I meant being on the ship considering what she had said last. “Not out new reality... Though that kinda blows too... But it's better than the alternative. I hate this...” I pointed between the two of us... “We were... Friends? Or... Something? Right? And it wasn't easy to get there... For either of us. Is there a way back? Is there any hope? Or am I just making it all worse when I try? I know that it's my fault I do... I just... Do you want to get back to how things were there? Or do you me to stop?”

I felt like anytime we spoke, it ended in tears or unshed tears. And I didn't know if I was just torturing her at this stage or if I should let her go... I wasn't sure I could let her. If she wanted me out of her life I owed it to her to try.

“Am I making everything worse?”

•— Raven —•

Pivoting on my feet I turned so fast that it cased pain to shoot up my hip and into my back. Biting down on my lips was the only way to keep myself from letting it show, but my hand shot out to steady myself on the cold ship wall.

His words were on a repeating loop. with the realisation on the attempts, he was making. Whenever we took at couple of feet forward, we took ten back. When I felt like we were getting to a place we could balance some form of communication it impacted our relationship harder.

Shaking my head as I thought of his questions. But the true question he wasn’t concerned with. Why would he want to be friends with me? Why would he want to go back to what we had before?

“Maybe you should stop…”

Pushing off the walk I straightened my shoulders. I’d been getting him nearly killed every step of the way. People had shot at him, sea monsters had attacked him, I’d left him to die of radiation poisoning….

“Friendship with Raven Reyes is a bad idea. You will do better without it, Murphy. You don’t need me in your new life up here. It’s for the best.”

•— John —•

I laughed... and dark, twisted, incredulous and kind of manic laugh. A terrified and confused laugh... terrified, because of what she'd said... and confused because of why she said it.

"Rey..." I wiped the sleeve across my face. "I've never you what you'd be better off with or without in your life have I? With the exception of more sleep... Food... water and occasionally a little more fun, right? Which we both know you'd have forgotten about if I'd let you."

I started walking towards the ledge at the base of the window, hoping she would follow me and sit down too. I could see she was hurting.

"Because you... you don't need any help making choices about who should be in your life. If you don't want me to part of yours... I'll try to respect that. But don't think for one second that I'll be better for it. I don't want a new life. I couldn't have one even if I did... I don't deserve one, I have caused pain, I've taken lives... I failed to save lives anytime I had a chance to." I looked up at her.

"Every time, Rey... except for one. And that's why it won't be easy to just..." I shook my lungs felt like they were being squeezed.

"Walk away... because I'm kind of invested in trying to keep you alive. Even though I know you can do that all by yourself. So, there's no world where it's best for me. But if all I do is cause you pain... then... I'll... keep my distance. I'll try... I'll get another room and you can move to the room with the girls, you should be with them... they miss you and you'll sleep better. If I'm the reason you're staying away; I can... I can do that."

•— Raven —•

I took a step back because his words hit like a slap in the face after a ice cold shower.

Which world had he been living in all this time? Hadn’t he seen the way the rest of us took to him the moment he opened up? How everyone came home for dinner because of him, how they all had memories from the island, because of the atmosphere he had created?

He’d went to sit, it for some reason felt like he wanted me to join him? After what I’ve just said, he still wanted to talk to me? To be here, to tell me that he wasn’t better off without me? this boy had to be a glutton for punishment. There was no other explanation for it, right?

Walking over tentatively, I took a seat beside him facing forward. Thinking about my own words before replying.

“Not a single one of us has clean hands. Not one of us can hold out a hand and say, ‘I’m clean of any wrong doing.’ Well… maybe Monty….” Shaking my head before my was digressing now.

“You keep saying that you don’t deserve things. And yeah. I’m the first one to tell you when you fuck up. And Murphy… you royally fuck up every step of the way.” Now I turned my head to look at him.

“I am not taking your room; I’m not taking you from the two people who are keeping you safe. And I’m not staying away because of you… I’m staying away….” I couldn’t say it.. I knew he’d fight me over it. But it was true.

•— John —•

The was a deep satisfaction when she came to sit down. Knowing that in some way she still responded to me, even if she wasn't sure why. That there were still small ways I could look after her without knowing I was doing it.

It I was giving myself too much credit and she just felt like sitting down. It was a comforting illusion for the second it had lasted though.

“That's not the point Rey... You know that... Maybe some of us do deserve a redemption story... Maybe some have earned it. A lot of us haven't and never will. But that doesn't let off hook for the things I did. I have to pay the price for it... Whether I'm locked up or not.”

I turned when I felt her eyes in me. “You wouldn't be taking anything... I'm offering it willing. And #Luna and #Emori could use the deep with me...” I shrugged... I hadn't meant to let that slip.

I lightly bumped my shoulder against hers. “It's okay. You don't have to tell me. But... I wish...” I inhaled deeply and blow out the breath. “I really wish that you 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 to Raven.” Something deep in the pit of my stomach burned. I wanted to know...

I needed to know why, to know if I could fix this. To know if it was because of Miles Fucking Shaw.

•— Raven —•

‘Maybe some of us do deserve a redemption story... Maybe some have earned it. A lot of us haven't and never will.’

Did John Murphy know just how true his words were right now? However, I knew he believed it was him who didn’t deserve the redemption. When in truth…. It was me.

The bump to my shoulder catapulted me back to the night he hidden the good bottles of wine and brought them out for me to drink by the pool. How he had made me sit with my feet in the water so that the pain would lessen.

I shook the memory off. “It’s not the want…. It’s the burden of something no one needs.” Rising my eyebrows at him. “What do you mean?” Where his nightmares back? “Are… your... nightmares back?”

•— John —•

“It’s not a burden Rey... But I would like to know why nothing seems to be able to bridge the gap between us... And I know that made it, but...” I shook my head, why we're words so fucking elusive?

“I know I haven't earned it...” I knew what needed to do... I needed to lay it out there. Like I did that first night on the island when I screamed at her to just let me help her.

Thankfully I didn’t need to scream this time, I was just too exhausted. I was always exhausted lately. “I miss you... If you aren't staying away because of me... Then you're either staying away from me or for a reason I can't fix... And I don't know what to do if that's the case.”

I dragged my hand through my hair. Flashes of the dreams; finding Raven dead in a tank... Or not finding her at all... I flinched.

“Yeah...” I nodded slowly. “Aren't you?” I knew they were. I had seen it myself.

•— Raven —•

Leaning back, I dropped my head onto the cold inner wall of the ship. Closing my tired eyes thinking how or if I even wanted to share. We were so bloody broken… all of us… that I didn’t even know where to start. I didn’t move when I heard him say he missed me. Because that was like saying he missed death.

“I just need space. I had a mission, a reason for being. I had…” opening my eyes to look up at the ceiling. “I had an end date. And then… everything got taken out of my hands. Every wrong step I took brought us back up here.”

My chest felt tight. “I’m not a good person to be around anymore. It’s better for everyone.” Frowning my eyes moved to him. “It’s this place. Being up here. It’s the reason they are back. And I brought you up here.”

•— John —•

Another dark light escaped me... “Yeah that's another conversation we need to have... I thought we had a deal, Reyes. I let myself start to care about you, won't can you alive long enough to save us all... And then you were supposed to die...” I shrugged at how ridiculous it sounded... But at the same time it rang true. But I had let myself fall too far.

“But here we are... I did my part and you...” I laughed now not so darkly. I knew I could get slapped for it, but I tugged on her sleeve and shifted closer to her. Letting her lie against my arm instead. “You’ll hurt yourself... But you have to realise how insane that sounds right? You brought us up here because Jaha tried to kill us all.

Again.

We’re both here, we’re both alive. And I know for a fact that you are wrong about being a bad person to be around. you aren't wrong often, Raven. But when you are... You do it thoroughly... Which is classic Raven Reyes style.”

•— Raven —•

“Sorry to disappoint you. What can I say? We all knew how much of an overachiever I was born to be. I even won the race against death itself.”

When he tugged me closer, I allowed it. Because that was something I recognised, a conflict between the us now versus the us before this shit show went to hell.

“Insane?” Shaking my head slightly because was it really? “Sometimes the most important parts of us can feel insane, but then… the truth is something everyone still don’t like to see.” He didn’t see me in the same light I saw myself. But then it was the same the other way around too.

I rubbed my hands down my thighs gripping on at the mention of #Jaha. That man… he’ll wasn’t going to be his final destination.

“Overachiever,…. Remember…. If I plan to mess up… I will do it royally.” Sighing I rubbed my leg again. The fact that the two of us were sitting here. Talking…. Listening…. It was a start, right?

“Why is it you see the good in me when I show you the bad and the ugly. But… you refuse to see the same in yourself?”

•— John —•

I chuckled. She was so stubborn. But she wasn't shoving away from me. “You didn't mess up, Raven.” I said quietly. “All the people I love would be dead if you didn't save yourself. You’re the reason I still have family.” I didn’t add that there was part of that family missing because it was pathetic and a guilt trip she really didn't need right now.

“I had started to...” I had started seeing myself through her eyes. “And then... I just...” blew it all up? Royally! “I don't know... Maybe I was deluding myself. But there's nothing ugly about you, Raven.” I smirked. “Unless you count the way you drool when you're in a coma.” I made a mock hissing sound. “Not a pretty sight.”

•— Raven —•

That…. Hurt…. Like a BITCH!

Because in all honesty if he truly felt as though he was deluding himself, that meant the John I grew to care about and call a friend…. He never existed.

Stinging began to prickle behind my eyes, and I laughed turning my head away to hide until I could be sure I was under control.

“I wouldn’t have let anyone keep you and your family apart.” Swallowing the lump in my throat. “They know you and care for you.” And maybe it was all for the best. Had I made him act differently to survive? Was that all his way to make sure he stayed alive?

I laughed again. I couldn’t blame him, and I wouldn’t. "Jok of, Mofi…. I do not drool. And if I did… it would be sexy at hells.”

•— John —•

I she was shifting against my arm, making me newly aware of how close we were again. It was one step close to how things were, and maybe it wouldn't last beyond this moment... But maybe it would. Just in case... I memorize every detail.

"Raven." I whispered. "I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you... but in the interest of honesty... which I think is what you want from me..." I took a breath. "With this space between us... my family s apart. And I'm not saying that to get you to come and stay with us or anything like that, not unless you want to. I just mean this... broken... whatever the hell it is between us. I know everything is different here... but I also don't believe that the only reason we were able to become friends was because you thought you'd be dead soon, so let yourself get close to me."

My chest tightened, had I said too much? But it was true... I knew it was possible, but if I let myself believe it was true then there was no hope of ever having this woman back in my life. I wasn't ready to accept that.

•— Raven —•

Blinking my eyes while I couldn’t believe I heard him correctly right now. He hadn’t meant that, right.

“You keep trying to cut yourself off from your family.” I told him. “Family doesn’t have to be liked. We all just show up for one another. Until you discard them.” taking a deep breath. “It’s what I’ve been telling you from the start. But you never trusted me enough to believe me.”

Rubbing the bridge of my nose.

“I really need another drink.” Thing time I looked to him. “I didn’t mean that our friendship was only due to the fact that I was dying. I mean. I’m sure there were times you wanted to bring my death closer, and I couldn’t blame you for it.”

•— John —•

l opened my mouth to talk, but I wasn't sure what to say, she was right. "I know. But... It's not intentional, I think I'm doing the right thing... I think I'm protecting the people I care about. Next thing I know I'm being thrown in the Brig, reading graffiti about #Shaw snitching on his crew."

It was low blow, but it felt good. I cringed when it sunk in. I’d just done it again. "And I just can't seem to stop." I scoffed at her statement about a drink. "I hope #Monty and #Jasper finds some time to make a still soon. "

I paused thinking about those moments on the island when it felt life, she was trying to make me crazy. "Maybe not kill you... " I chuckled. "But I won't lie, the temptation to reaper stick you was hard to resist sometimes.”

•— Raven —•

“You know it’s why our friendship worked down there. You told me your crazy ideas and I talked you into doing them a better way…. Except for Monty’s room. I’m not giving you any credit for that.”

Adding a joke into the equation happens naturally as it used to on the island. “Speaking of.” I turned to face him now. “What did you think was the end game with that move which got you in the brig? Did you even think that plan through?”

Should I tell him I had been told what happened to him in there after I left? “I’m… sorry… I pushed to the point where only a reaper stick was the answer.”

•— John —•

I laughed. "We really did have some good times, didn't we? And I can give you the credit for that one you elevated that prank to the next level. All I did was crack his password."

I looked down at the floor and tried not to smirk... "Oh I thought it through. I was just going to hold up somewhere defensible and wait for you to save the day. I thought that was obvious."

I nudged her again with my shoulder. "I wasn't serious Raven. Apart from a time or two when I thought that you would never sleep, But I never would have done really... apart from the seizures." I didn't want to bring up ALIE.

That had been the ultimate violation, she didn't need a reminder of it.

•— Raven —•

“Wait…” Frowning as I let that little information settle into my mind. “Your big plan of action was to get a weapon, and hide up with Emori and Luna until I fixed the mess?” Okay. It wasn’t the best plan he had come up with since I knew him. “What part of that plan was about taking over and attacking everyone on this ship?”

Why had I been told and believed that he would take things into his own hands? He was just trying to hide until the mess with the others was cleaned up?

Shaking my head. “Payback. It’s a bitch and she is coming for you. I don’t care if you were trying to make me sleep.” I didn’t really care about the reapers. Well, not now. At the time, I wanted to kill him when he stuck me with one.

•— John —•

I and ran my hand over my face… hearing it asked like that made it sound even more ridiculous.

“None of it.” I laughed. “But Lt. Soldier Boy -“ I gave a mock salute. “Started throwing around the word mutiny and tossed me in the cell. Jackson and Harper were there… they’ll tell you exactly what I said. They thought I was an idiot… but they also tried to stop #Shaw.”

I shuddered a little. I didn’t want to think about it. “But…. I didn’t hit him… so I get points for that right?” I was pathetic that the easiest part or that memory was being man handled through the ship.

•— Raven —•

Pushing his hand down from the so-called salute he was attempting, the crease between my eyebrows was prominent. “This makes no sense at all.” Muttering it to myself as I let the parts of the two stories fall into place.

“Miles isn’t the type to run off on the deep end.” and yet I believed what John was saying. The fact that he wanted to take over the ship was the side that wasn’t connecting for me.

“And the bloody in the cell?” I asked him. “If you didn’t hit Miles… he hit you?” Again, I was missing something here.

•— John —•

"How well can you know the guy really?" I raised a brow and started again before she could answer. I really did not wanna know the answer to that question, and I had no right to it either.

"All I know is the second that I started looking for #Jasper he twisted my arm behind my back and boom I'm locked up."

I cleared my throat... the blood... shit... how did she?... "You went back to the cell?"

•— Raven —•

“You know how well I know him. We were the ones to wake him up. To break the news how much time had passed since they were in there… we were the ones who lost part of his team… he is going through a lot…” Sure, I felt guilty about the lives we lost, and everything #Miles and #Lizzy had lost. And they were still helping us.

“Of course, I went to the cells. As soon as I heard I went to the cells… but..” I worked my fingers. “I was too late again…” I was failing him and the others so much these days.

•— John —•

I hadn't realised there more of the original crew member in cry than the ones that were still on board... “I'm not so sure he was best friends with his crewmates. Not according to a graffiti in that cell...”

I sighed... I knew that if it was #Shaw that told I was certain heard a cock-eyed version on the events.

“The blood... Wasn't a big deal. I cut my hand. But I’m sorry... I know you had more important things to do than run around after me.” my eyes were on the table between us. I couldn't meet her... An uneasy sense of shame wound it's way around my chest and squeezed.

I knew their plenty of things about me for people to dislike... Even hate... But this new addition of me being crazy was one I hoped she wouldn't need to see.

•— Raven —•

“You don’t have to like someone or be liked by them to feel their loss. They all went through something in their time, on this ship. Together they loved it all out. The good, the bad, and the ugly too.”

I hadn’t expected John to be so judgmental. Making a note to check the cells put to see what was written in there.

“Please don’t apologise. I shouldn’t have left you in there. I shouldn’t have turned my back and walked away from you like that.” My eyes watched closely as I spoke now.

“You just cut yourself? In the cell? And there nothing more to it? And here I thought we were being serious about honesty between us.”

•— John —•

I shook my head... I had nothing good to say about Miles right now, so I let that comment go.

"That's not..." I stopped myself. "Look, I won't lie... at the time that's what I thought you were doing. But I wasn't... I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm not going to lie to you, But I didn't want you worrying or thinking..." I didn't say I didn't want her to think I was a total nut job.

"I had a bit of a panic attack, and I ended up cutting my hands. But it wasn't a big deal, no stitches or anything. It's not gonna happen again so there's nothing to worry about.”

•— Raven —•

Another slap In The face. That’s what I was feeling now. At this rate there wasn’t going to be anything left to heal and fix.

Maybe he was right, maybe there was nothing left between us to be fixed? I couldn’t and wouldn’t blame him for what he felt. Fuck. It’s what I felt “By you said not to worry, it does the opposite. You know that, right?”

Shame filling me light a led balloon in this moment. “A panic attack? As strong as the one you told me about in the bunker? The one of the island?”

•— John —•

“I know.” I combed my fingers though my hair. “I remember being on the other of that line…” My gaze fixed on her. “So, I know how it feels. But I’ll… do what I have to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Even if that meant therapy sessions with #Jackson. I shook my head then. “No… it was nothing like that.” Should I tell her? She was worried anyway… maybe the unknown was scarier to her than anything else. “It was… like I couldn’t breathe, almost as though someone was squeezing the air out of my lungs and…” I ran my hand over my chest at memory. “I think I was afraid it was a heart attack or something crazy like that. I thought I was going to die, and I was afraid to… in the bunker I wanted to… but now? I have too much to lose.”

I locked my blue eyes on hers. “Raven, you know that I know you’d never have believed you’d leave me in there, right? Not if I wasn’t freaking out… it was… it was like some else took over my though thought process and no one in the world was on my side.” It was how I left when they hung me, when I was banished… when the grounders caught me. “Even when Luna grabbed me, I thought she was going to hurt me… until Jasper… I don’t know what he did. But he stopped it.”

•— Raven —•

My eyes stung listening to what he went through. The image of watching him on the beach by that small bunker, the celerity I witnessed without him knowing. It all came rushing back to me.

Swallowing the humongous lump in my throat, my voice broke when I spoke. “I’m so sorry that I allowed you to be in a place where you felt this way.” Dropping my eyes, because I couldn’t face him seeing the same exuding from mine.

“You say you didn’t believe it, however the darkness in you did. So… some part of you lost faith… faith and trust.. the two things that are the most important things in our lives. The two things we work so hard to protect.” I had fucked up so badly. I really didn’t have the right to ask him to forgive me.

•— John —•

“I never would have known to call it a panic attack… not that I hadn’t ever heard of them. I guess maybe it felt like admitting weakness.” I sighed I wanted to reach out and lay my hand on hands.

“I guess maybe I am small idea what it was like from having this thing in your mind. Twisting the shape of your thoughts against your will. I mean it’s different, you mind was violated… mines just… broken. But I know you Raven, when my thoughts are mine, I know you wouldn’t do that. So, I’m the one that should be sorry, for letting my faith in in you waver.”

•— Raven —•

Damn. I knew these feeling so well. Reaching out finally I told his hand closest to me, curling my fingers around his and squeezing tight. Letting him know I was right here.

“We’ve had so much happening to us in our short lives, that it would be a miracle if someone came out unbroken.” Allowing myself to think before continuing.

“However, broken isn’t a word I like. Being violated… is a good way to explain it. When you feel like you are a bystander in your own life, with your own actions. When you can hear and see, but the doing is out of your hands.” I squeezed his hand again.

“You have nothing to apologise for. We… I… you….” Shaking my head again. “How can I help you? You were there in my times of darkness, you held me and stopped me from hurting myself and others… let me do the same for you?”

•— John —•

Breathing was suddenly easier, even if he acts like her taking my hand. She had been tortured too... But it was much worse than what happened to me. They used her own memories to hurt her, every painful thing that happened to her all at once.

“I wasn’t there for the worst of it. But... I’ll never regret dragging you out of that bed in Arkadia.” I ran my hand over my face and reached out with my free hand to clasp hers between both of mine.

“You’re already doing it, Raven.” I squeezed her hand like shed squeezed mine. “This gapping hole between us makes me feel hopeless... But when we can talk like this... I feel... Maybe... Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can... Be... Better.”

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes were on our hands. The fact that we sat here holding one another together without needing to feel anything that was pure was a new chapter.

“Maybe you should, would have saved yourself being punched, kicked, shot at, being eaten by a sea monster, and shot at some more.” Mentioning the torture was just too dark for this moment.

“Can we…” I started but stopped. “Remember when I told you on the island you need to be better for yourself? Not for anyone else? That still stands.” Dragging my eyes to meet his again.

“Can we…” I tried again. “Can we… try again?”

•— John —•

“I would don't all again, Stargrazer...” gave her a real smile, even if my soul still felt heavy. Easier to bear in this moment... But heavy.

“Only because I can take some of get credit from saving the human race... Because if you died there, we all be dead now...” I was teasing but it was sort of true... Not that I would ever claim credit and mean it.

“And... It is for me, Raven. It is... It's what I want, it's who I want to be, but I can't do it without your help. I've tried... I'm trying but every decision I make is the wrong one.” My blue, stinging eyes locked on hers.

“That’s all I want Raven… I know it’s too much to ask, but if you can forgive me and try this again… I swear I’ll prove myself. I won’t let you down again.” The corners of my vision blurred and the fought the to blink, knowing it would cause the tears to fall, even though it made my eyes burn.

•— Raven —•

Knocking my shoulder into his, my lips curled up into a smile even if it didn’t reach my eyes.

“No, you wouldn’t. You would never take credit. It would show people you care, and you cannot have that out in the ether.” I saw him, at least I thought I had. The boy on the island cared for others. He just needed to see people cared for him too.

Shaking my head, a little as I listened to him. “You’re not making the wrong decisions, it’s… we’ll… it’s just the way you try to execute the plan. Saving those you love. Good thing… making others think you want to leave them to die. Bad choice.”

My eyes darted across his face, watching, telling him in. He wanted the same. “Let’s close the door on what happened?” It would be damn hard for me not to think I let them down. But I would try. “A new chapter, with both of us making better decisions?”

•— John —•

"When people know you care they start to expect things from you.” I chuckled.

It stung to hear that but, I knew it was true. "I never wanted you or anyone else on that island to think that. That was why l got Jasper involved. But I get that it looked like that... And looking back now all can think of was that I probably would have gotten #Emori and myself killed.”

I squeezed her hand again. "A new chapter." is mined at her. "I don't think anyone's ever given me that chance before."

•— Raven —•

“Is that why you did it? Because you thought I expected something from you?” Did I? Did i expect him to give me something? Was I the one who pushed him to becoming whatever thing has become between us?

My eyes drop to our hands, we still held one another in place. But neither of us had let go. “It’s the least you do for those how cared for you. For those you call a friend. Second chances with no stings. We do our best. We fight, we make up. But we never give up.”

There it was… is given up a little…

•— John —•

"No... I mean... I don't think so..." Honestly, looking back I had no idea what I was feeling back then. All I knew now was how overwhelmingly stupid I was. "#Emori was really... really afraid. And she's like you in some ways, you know... I'd never seen her afraid before and I just wanted her too not be afraid anymore." I tightened my grip a little because it soothed that feeling in my chest of remembering how scared she had been.

I chuckled a little. "I'm glad to hear that... because I know I just told you I would leave you alone if you really wanted me too... But honestly... I don't think I could have. So, thank you... for saving me from breaking another promise to you."

•— Raven —•

Nodding my head I understood. The why he did it was never the issue for me. It had been the how. And sure… maybe some part of my hurt to see them all try to leave by leaving me a four line ‘Don’t die’, note after I had just died and saved my own life.

Sucking in a deep slow breath, because thinking of it all brought feelings and emotions back to the surface I didn’t want to think about.

“Well.. you know I’m here to serve. Whatever all of you need. I will deliver.” Giving him a small two finger salute with my free hand.

•— John —•

I watched my mind cycle into the dark and back out again, I knew I had hurt her… but now, seeing how much I hurt her… meant she had to have cared about me more than I had known.

“How come you get to do the sarcastic salute and I don’t?” I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. She still hadn’t pulled her hand free. “Not serve, Stargrazer. Save. You saved me… and not from Priamfaya or… not just from that. Long before then.

•— Raven —•

“Because I came this look damn good.” Knocking into his shoulder a little. “Why else.” Shaking my head. And then nodding it.

“Aren’t they one and the same? To server is to save when it comes to our now ship full of people.” Leaning forward a little I shifted myself.

•— John —•

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “You may be right… but you can right and full of yourself at once you know!” I teased her. Feeling lighter even as I turned pale blue eye on her.

“No, Raven… no it’s not the same. You choose to save people; you don’t do it because you should or because you have to. You are human… that means you are capable of choosing to only help yourself…. But because you are Raven Reyes… you choose to Damn near kill yourself the save as many people as you can. That’s not service, it’s heroism.”

•— Raven —•

My heart quickened, mouth dried and eyebrows pulled to show that v indent between them. None of what he said felt real. He wasn’t talking about me. No… no… no. I had made so many mistakes, so many people had died because of me. And I was selfish. I had removed the code from the fear of death, when it could have helped me… maybe… find another way, where we weren’t up here.

But I didn’t say anything. Because this was John. He saw something I didn’t. So, I half smiled. “Raven Reyes… Stargazer!” Correcting him. “Don’t forget the stargazer.”

•— John —•

I made my way around the table and stop next to her. Only releasing her hand when l could put my term around her shoulder and squeezed. Feeling braver now.

"You'll always be the Stargazer to me, always."

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes followed his steps around the table. Feeling the coolness once our hands came apart. Only then remembering how I’d been holding his.

Half smiling and then laughing a little. “Sure thing, Watcher. Nothing will stop us from here.” Winking as his arm held me.

•— John —•

There it was. That nickname she gave me after I’d revealed too much of myself, choosing the people to come with us to rescue Octavia and some of her (new) people. Showing her how I had everyone marked for their strength and weaknesses.

There it was.

Hope.

The thing I only felt standing at her side… metaphorically… and I supposed figuratively right now. “Have faith, Stargazer… because I do.”

•— Raven —•

“Did my ears hear your correctly? Did John Murphy just say he has faith? Cut me off the moonshine.” Well, soon there wouldn’t be any left so it wouldn’t be difficult. Half smiling, I let my head drop forward. Gazing down at the ships floor.

“Jokes aside… we need to do better.” Something has been saying since coming to #Becca’s island. “I know it’s hard for the two of use to trust and say what we think. But we need to do better.”

•— John —•

I laughed, even smiled at her. "If you can forgive me for all the shit, I pulled... Then anything is possible, Raven." I took my arms back and leaned on the table. This was still how, and l wasn't ready to break it again by pushing boundaries.

"It's not hard to trust your, Raven." l said softly. "It was at first. Not because of anything you did.“ It wasn't a lie to say that we had both done things to the other that would justify mistrust. But that wasn’t the difficulty I had.

“I lived my life with nothing to lose… nothing other than my life… and allowing myself to trust someone… meant I could lose that trust… or worse that person.” I turned my pale gaze on her again. “But if you can take the risk of trusting me again… I can have a little hope.”

•— Raven —•

My gaze caught his and didn’t let go, I needed him to know I was sitting here with all my cards face up on this table. That I was all in if he was. And that I knew it wasn’t easy, what I asked of him.

“It doesn’t have to happen overnight. If you need your space and time. “I’m not going anywhere.” Pointed around us. There was nowhere to go from here. “I don’t want to be that pushy person who wants everyone to get alone, it doesn’t pay off in the end.” I’d learning that lesson.

“So, take your time. Trust that you will be fine, and that losing someone, as hard as it is. There is a way to go on. We’ve all done it here.”

•— John —•

“I'm not so sure about that, Stargazer... I was pretty pushy, and it seems to have paid off.” I chuckled. Feeling a little lighter by the second. “I think too much space was our problem... We seem to work best when we're under each other's feet....” I nudged her with my elbow. “Or at each other's throats.” I laughed.

“I haven't lost anyone for real since... Well, I never let myself have anyone to lose until you and Emori and Luna... I almost lost you while you were still standing right in front of me... So no, I don’t want space or time... I just want to make up the time we lost.”

•— Raven —•

My eyes found his face again. He was using the Nick name now. That had to be progress, right? “More like under my skin.” It was said tongue and cheek of course.

Because in all honesty I knew he was correct. “Space doesn’t do us much good.” Nodding my head and nudging right back. “Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to.”

He was the one to say he didn’t want space. So…. “Where do we go from here?”

•— John —•

"You'll have to wine and dine me if you want under my skin, Rey." I chuckled... but I knew that she would never mean it like that. But it was how I had always teased her and I right now her friendship was what I needed most.

Offered her a smile. "We don't need to go anywhere, Raven. We've come home."

I laughed a little... looking around. "It's not as pretty as the last one." I put my hand on her back and led her out of the room with a view of the burning planet to the other side of the ship... Down two hallways and into a disused room... the window here was large too.

"But it has a pretty nice view... if you know where to look."

•— Raven —•

“You wish John, I’m not sure I could afford to wine and dine you.” Scoffing at him. I followed him as he led me away from the window. But not without taking one last glance back over my shoulder. The ship was quite, no one watching us or wondering what was happening,even if I knew some would be happy to see the two of us in the same space without fireworks going off.

“Where are yo—“ My words melted away with the big window came before me and my feet took me right to it. My eyes stung a little.

“You somehow always find the beauty when I think there is none.” He has done it the day I was mad at him on the island for upsetting #Luna. And he showed me what #Becca had hiding in the gardens.

Those statues and roses locked away in my memory banks. “It’s beautiful.”

•— John —•

“Not sure we’ll ever see wine again...” I chuckled. But that wasn't entirely true. I ignored her protests and just grinned.

“I like to know my surroundings.” I smiled... “Unfortunately.... Most of the room on this ship are locked... But I did find this little gem.”

I stayed quite a while and let her enjoy the view.

“I knew that you’d appreciate the view.” I spoke softly and told myself I didn't notice the way the moonlight lit up the gold flecks in her hazel eyes and cheekbones... Her features had softened on the Island, her cheek filling with the healthy glow of not-starving. It was fading again... Faster than she had regained it.

Before I knew it, I was gently brushing the back of my fingers along her cheek. “I need you to start eating again, Stargazer. Not more than you share, or anyone else... Just the rations everyone else gets. Please?”

Baby blue eyes lifting to meet hers.

•— Raven —•

The darkness was never ending, one in which I had spent the first part of my life living, but not I knew a different world, a different view, I’ve breathed air that hadn’t been recycled.

And yet… there was a familiarity up here which I hadn’t felt down there. The moon felt closer, as though reaching out to it would be possible. When I felt his presence closer, I broke my gaze away to find him looking at me. Really… looking. Before I could ask what was wrong his fingers touched my face and I froze.

His eyes were lost somewhere seeing me in a way I couldn’t translate. But the way in which he looked had my chest constricting. I parted my lips to speak, to answer a question but it wasn’t the one he asked. And when his baby blue eyes found mine. I just nodded slowly.

“I’m not doing it on purpose.” I whispered, “I just forget, or don’t feel hungry.”

Not saying that I was worried that I was going into some form of depression. Or Hyperactivity where the world around me stops existing. And after effect of living with the code in my head for so long. It was life. I just had to get on with it. I didn’t have time to question it.

“Can I trust you with the master code?” I asked taking a step back. “To the doors…”

•— John —•

“I know.” I whispered. Pulling my hand back, slowly, unwillingly. “That’s why I’ll remind you… when you do forget.” It was the least I could do after everything she’d done for me.

There was more… so much left unsaid. But I had no idea what it could be. Eating was only one thing. I knew she wasn’t sleeping either. But at least now I could try to help her.

“I don’t think Officer #Shaw would like that.” I chuckled, accepting the change in subject because we were both so tired now. And fully knowing he was a lieutenant. “He likes you… that probably works in favour of everyone you saved. I don’t think we should risk pissing him off. He definitely doesn’t like me.”

•— Raven —•

Letting out a small sigh, there was the other topic I needed to touch. However, I’d not planned for it to happen tonight and not here. But now was as good as a time of any. “Lieutenant Miles Shaw, Watcher. And you damn well know it.” My voice even and calm.

“Are you going to let me into the secret or not?” I asked. “What has Miles done to get on your bad side?” He had been nothing but kind to us, I’d taken over his ship, demanded we save all these people, people he didn’t even know. And he didn’t once think twice. He was kind hearted. But John and he just clashed. But why?

•— John —•

I chuckled... "Does it even matter? The United States stopped existing two hundred years ago." I smiled at her a little glint in my pale blue eyes. The moonlight was still making her skin glow faintly.

"Other than throw me into the brig?" I laughed and found a grate to pull over close to the window so we could sit on it and watch the universe go by.

I froze when she asked me my secret... telling her that now would be the end of all the progress we had made today. I knew that she would never feel the same about me... I was making peace with that. I just needed to be part of her life... and I would do that on whatever term worked for her. As long as I was part of her world. Then she clarified... I shook my head and laughed.

"That's not a secret, Rey... I don't like the way he looks at you... He's a creep... And... before I found you here, I went to your room, and he was lurking around in the hallway... I don't trust him, Raven. I can't explain it, but there's something about him... I know that you trust him, and I don't want to come between the two of us. I just want you to be careful around him."

•— Raven —•

Moving to take a seat, thankful that he found something we could use and still remain close to the view. I wasn’t ready to leave it behind just yet.

Rubbing my forehead, before I shifted to remove the jacket, I was wearing to cushion myself a little and settling down. “John…” that was so much to break down. And where was I even going to start?

“Firstly I’m sure Miles wasn’t lurking.. his room is the one next to mine. Like the next door. So, of course he would be there.”

But I felt a pang of guilt. “He was there?” My eyes moved to the door. Because that would only mean one thing. And I couldn’t tell John about it. It wasn’t my story to share.

“You don’t trust anyone right away, and that’s okay. I’m not asking you to become best friends.”

My face flushed as well. “And how does he look at me? I’ve noticed nothing wrong or untrustworthy from him since I’ve met him.”

Reaching out I patted the space next to me. “Do you think all of this… it’s just because Miles is new to the crew? How can I help you trust him more?

•— John —•

It took all my self-control not to burst out laughing when she said his room was next to hers... I let out an audible sigh. "Of course, he gave you the room next to his." I shook my head holding back laughter. that's..." annoying, frustrating... intolerable... frightening? "Fine..." I barely managed to say without gritting my teeth. I didn't get to tell her what kind of relationships she could have with anyone... even if it did make me want to break his nose.

"But I just think he has a hidden agenda... with you and with Skaikru and the other clans. Until I know what it is I don't think trust is on the table. But I'll make a better effort to not piss him off... for you."

•— Raven —•

My hazel eyes widened with the shocking realisation of what was happening here. It couldn’t be so…. It at least I kept telling myself that. “John…. Murphy….” Saying his name while pinching the bridge of my nose in frustration.

I wasn’t going to ask… because I knew it really couldn’t be the case. “Let’s play a game, shall we?” Tuning my body to face him again.

“The game is called. Just say it as you see it. And the rules are, we can’t lie.” Sighing I rubbed my hands over my thighs. “I will ask the first question…. What is it you think a man who has been in cryo for over hundred years could possibly want from us?”

•— John —•

I waited for it... braced for it... for her to tell me to mind my own business and say I was jealous... which I need to do and I clearly was, no matter how hard I tried not to be.

I sighed when she asked the question... glad she had said 𝕦𝕤 and not 𝕞𝕖. I stopped in front of the crate. Unclipping the buckles on her brace and loosening them but not removing them... "Might as well take a little break from this... this game could last a while." I chuckled.

"I don't know... but I wouldn't be quick to put the lives of these people in his hands the man did turn on his own crew after all."

I loosened the clasp at her ankle and sat beside her. "My turn... what do you think a man that been in cryo for 100 years wants from the gorgeous woman that woke him up and he subsequently had her move in the room next door to his?"

•— Raven —•

The moment flashed back to the mansion, to John and I sat by the side of the pool and where he always helped to remit and put my back on. Maybe we were truly on the way back to how things used to be?

I didn’t stop him, the moment the buckle was loose and relief was felt. Like the weight of the world had been removed. My lips parted, mouth opening and closing, okay. Maybe I wasn’t imagining things?

“Maybe he wants someone to be a friend. To talk to, to listen? Not everyone thinks with the brain between their legs.” Okay, most men did.

“He didn’t assign the rooms. They were first come. I wasn’t first up.” Frowning a little. “Do you think the only reason I have a room like mine, because someone wants in my pants?”

•— John —•

I smoked a little... She didn't tell me to get lost. We were finally on the right track. I chuckled... “It's entirely possible. All I can speak to is my instincts and usually when guy starts telling the other men in a woman's life to stay away...” I tilted my head and sucked in a breath. “He... Has other intentions. And I have no clue what kind room you have.” I teased. “I haven't been in any good the staterooms.”

I leaned my shoulder against hers. “But if the lieutenant is smart... He wants a whole lot more than just what's in your pants, Stargazer.”

•— Raven —•

Still frowning, I turned my eyes to the view as I thought over the interactions I’d shared with #MilesShaw. He has been lost, kind, listens to me when I needed to talk over my findings, came to talk to me about his experiences and concerns. But never once had he tried to act inappropriately.

“I think you are reading too much into things.” My body moved by his nudge bringing my eyes back.

“My room is t that different to the others. It just had a couch and a works desk in there. Helps me when I need to keep working on something.”

I’d taken tools and parts back to my room to work on when the others thought I went to sleep. It was also something for me to do when the nightmares became too much to handle. “Oh, so you are pumping me out to the new guy? He is cute and all.” Waggling my eyebrows at him.

•— John —•

I shook my head, either she didn't understand what I was saying... Or she like this guy so much she didn't want to. “I'm not sure how I could more into being told to leave you alone... But you trust him. I'm not going to tell you who you should or shouldn't trust, you're more than capable of making your own choices.” I sighed. I wasn't going to be like #Shaw and try to make those choices for her.

“Ha ha!!” I deadpanned. “No... But... He’d be stupid not to realise your much than a gorgeous woman, Raven... You're intelligent, brave... And selfless to the point of self-destruction. I could go on, but I wouldn't want to stroke your ego too much.” I chuckled.

•— Raven —•

“Okay.” He wasn’t joking. This was the second time he’d said it. “When did Miles tell you to stay away from me? And why?” Why would Miles do that? I couldn’t grasp the reasoning behind such an act. Not on a ship where there was no getting away from people.

Now I was looking John in his eyes. “That’s an in-depth list you have there. And it’s fair to say the ego is taking notice.” Shaking my head. “You’re being overly nice. I’m nothing more than someone who is a workaholic. The rest just happens.”

I hadn’t known that John had been keeping notes. but why was I surprised? I had giving him the nickname of ‘the watcher.’ He saw it all and forgot nothing.

•— John —•

“Just before I found you.” I explained. “And you’re clever enough to guess why Rey… he knows we’ve known each other a long time, he knows I took care of you when you were sick… and he knows that you came from me before the other hundreds of people you saved.” She had to see what I was getting at. “He wants to make want to make sure his path to you is clear… and he thinks I’m in the way.” I chuckled; it was ironic. Because as much as I wished I was in the way; I knew I wasn’t.

“That’s actually not even half of the things I could say about you.” I laughed.

“Stubborn, sarcastic, ornery, lacking in all senses of self-preservation…. Shall I continue?” I teased.

•— Raven —•

Now he was asking for it. So, I reached out and playful smacked him up the side of his head.

“Stop over thinking so much, I don’t see what you are saying. And not to any other reason but what is before me. John. They have been asleep for so long. They have lost everyone and everything that they knew. We are the first people they have met….”

Biting my lips to stop myself. Because I was walking a faint line now, I couldn’t betray Miles’s trust. And I needed John to know that I trusted him too.

“Two people can be friends, John. Without anything else. But…. If there were anything else. Isn’t that my business? Don’t I have a say in who does or doesn’t have that part of me?”

Why would he think he would need to be out the way? That part didn’t make any sense to me.

•— John —•

“So violent!” I teased her rubbing the spot she smacked. It didn't hurt... And she knew how to throw a punch if she really wanted to.

“I know that Raven... All I can tell you is what I see... I'm telling you what you should or shouldn't do. Just that I think there's more to this guy than he's letting on. I don't want to see you hurt. My only intention was to let you know that this guy who barely knows you thinks it's okay for him to decide who should or shouldn't be allowed the speak to you... I told you were more than capable of telling me to fuck off all by yourself if that's what you wanted. I'm not trying to tell you what to do... I'm just worried about you.”

•— Raven —•

“Just the way you like it.” But the mocking was gone from my voice. I could see where John was coming from, but some part of me kind of hoped I was half good at judging a person’s character?

Okay, I may have messed up a little in the past, but… you live, and you learn right? “Hold your run-away imaginary outcomes here. Nothing is going on. I need you to hear me when I say, thank you for your insight. However, nothing is going on.”

I hadn’t thought about #Miles in that way. “As for why he told you to stay away. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt here, huh?”

Shifting a little as I said the next part. Not to hurt him, just to point out the facts. “Maybe Miles thought he was being a friend. Looking out for us, making sure we don’t blow our friendship up even more than it is… was…” He’d seen a lot between us, since waking up.

•— John —•

I shook my head again. She was willing to allow this man to speak for her? It baffled me… She just didn’t want to see any possibility that this guy was up to something. So, I just nodded… “Sure… I’m positive he was only looking out for my best interests and yours too.” I chuckled. “I just wanted you to know the guy seems… dodgy… to me. And now you do. But… not giving people the benefit of the doubt is what’s kept me alive. The last time I did that, the guy I believed kicked the crate out from under me when they put a rope around my neck.”

I rested my hand on her bad knee, gently. “I just want you to be happy… or as close as possible. And I know you’re not right now… but you will be. I promise.”

I didn’t say even that was with him… or on her own. I just wanted to be there to see it.

•— Raven —•

Rubbing the bridge of my nose to hide a small wince I felt shuddering over my body, and my hand. But I stilled myself as soon as I realised what was happening to me. I wasn’t there when he was hung, but I’d heard the story from enough people to understand how messed up it has been. However, it was the fact that he still couldn’t understand me of where I was coming from. So, I lowered my voice and whispered.

“Not giving people the benefits of the doubt … it what broke us.”

It was the truth, if he had trust in us, in me… we wouldn’t have broken to the point where i was certain we couldn’t come back from.

“I hear you; I understand what you are saying. I’m not defending Miles; I’m not saying it was right of him. But what do you want me to do?”

Opening my eye when I felt his hand on the back of my knee. “Would you rather I go in all guns blazing and demand he never speak for me again? Or start accusing him of things? Or …. Or…. What?” My tone so even as I locked eyes with him.

“Tell me what you would like me to do?” I was so tired. So drained. I wanted us all to do better that the mess we had caused by going to earth. This was a new start. The only chance we had to survive.

•— John —•

"It was different with us... we earned it. And I know that we lost it for a while, but I'll fix that. I will." I squeezed her knee gently. more of a rub really because I knew she was hurting.

"I don't think you should do anything... I just..." I sighed and dragged my hand through my hair. Maybe I was doing exactly what Miles was doing, He tried to drive a wedge between her and I. Was trying to do the same to her and him? I certainly sounded like a classic Murphy move. "I... I shouldn't have said anything."

I took my hand from her knee and took her hand in mine. The one that had been sharing a moment ago. "I want you to tell me what this is about... what's going on with you?" I folded my other hand over the top of hers. "You don't have to tell me... But right now, that all I want to know or... How I can make it better.”

•— Raven —•

My dull hazel eyes were tired or was it that I was tired. Was there a difference? Who even knew anymore? I dropped them to our hands. His fine hand, clasped around my almond bruised and cut one.

He was doing it again. “Please don’t say that. Keeping things from each other, it’s a path I don’t want to walk about. You aren’t the only one who needs to fix things. And not saying your mind won’t help us.”

Slowly my gaze roamed it way back up to meet his, confused at the question he had asked me just now. “What do you mean? What is what about?” by now there were so many things we were juggling in the air. Which one in particular did he want further elaboration on?

•— John —•

“I don’t mean hide it from you… Just… maybe you didn’t need to hear my personal feelings on the guy. I just don’t want to see you hurt.” I remembered how she screamed when #Finn was killed. Our friendship hadn’t begun… in fact, hours before she pointed a gun at me and wanted turn me over instead. But When I heard her scream… part of me wished if had been me tied to that stake instead. A payment for the pain I had already caused pain her.

I lifted my hand to so the bruise on her. “You’re hurt and you’re shaking… even when the pain in your hip and leg are hurting badly you never tremble like that.” I fixed my pale blue gaze on hers. “Please don’t keep anything from me when it come to your health Raven… I looked after you when I thought you were dying, I can handle whatever it is. Please.”

•— Raven —•

We were doing this. The honesty we asked for had to be a two way path, I couldn’t ask it of him and then not give it right back. “You should always tell me what you think. Good or bad, I want to know.”

Shaking my head, a little our eyes met. “You know I won’t get hurt, I’m stronger than you give me credit for.” Of course, he’d noticed, I hadn’t hidden anything.

“It’s nothing.” That was a lie. “I’ve just not been sleeping, I don’t have an appetite, and my friend and I were fighting.” Nudging my shoulder into his. “I just need a little down time.” But it was a luxury I didn’t have time for.

•— John —•

I laughed a little and nodded. "Okay... I promise. So, to summarize. I can't stand him... He's cocky, superior, and I don't trust him... and possibly a little sexist... which I thought only existed in movies and books.I know that you are strong, but that doesn't mean I can't try to protect my friend. Even if she doesn't want me to, even if it is more likely she'll protect me instead. It's a friend's prerogative."

I nodded, listening to her. There was more than that, I figured it was her nightmares and I understood not wanting to talk about try to protect my friend. Even if she doesn't want me to, even if it is more likely she'll protect me instead. It's a friend's prerogative."

I nodded, listening to her. There was more than that, I figured it was her nightmares and I understood not wanting to talk about and finished what I had started with her brace and took it off entirely.

"Time to get some sleep, Rey." I knew she didn't want to. The last time I convinced her to sleep she had a bad dream. It was my fault. I knew she slept better when she had someone touching her, holding her hand or touching her shoulder and I let the rift between us keep me from doing that. "It will be okay this time. I promise."

•— Raven —•

Stunned… listening, lol we l because I’d asked for this. However, I hadn’t expected the list to be so long. How much time had these two been spending together anyway? It sounded like this was one of those. ‘Dislike at first sight.’ Situations, maybe? But how could I get to the bottom of it?

“Thank you for your honesty.” What else was there to say? “And yeah… sure… a friends prerogative is to protect. But it’s also to allow your friends to grow too. Maybe we’ve forgotten about that part?”

“What are you doing?” I asked however his actions began to paint the picture while I sat here watching him.

“John…” I shook my head, waving my hand to say ‘No’. “I can’t. This was meant to be a short break. I need to get back to testing each and every one of those beds. We can’t use them without knowing they work.” the make shift bed looked so inviting. The relief of the brace being removed mixed with the pain rushing up and down my leg and into my hip. It would love nothing more than for the weight to be taken off.

And for a moment, in my mind. We were sat by the side of the pool on #Becca’s Island. With a dark sky, everyone asleep. With John kneeling before me removing my brace so he could teach me to float.

“I cannot…” the two words a whisper.

•— John —•

"If you feel like you need to get to know him then I won't get in the way... not that you would let me if I tried."

I chuckled and lifted her legs up onto the makeshift bed, leaving her brae within easy reach. "Raven." I stayed on my knees but straightened up to my full height, so I was eye-to-eye with her. I crooked a finger under her chin. "You are the only person on this ship that can keep it running. Please don't jeopardise that by refusing to take of yourself. There's no emergency. No one is in immediate danger. But what if an airlock fails in two days and you faint before you get there? " I looked over my shoulder at the moon.

"It's just like the pool." I smiled. Lying on these crates was nothing like floating in the pool. "Looking up at the moon and stars." I sat on the crates and put me arm around her, pulling her down so her head could rest on my lap. "Just watch the stars, Stargazer. It's the only thing you need to right now."

•— Raven —•

The minute after he lifted my legs up onto the makeshift bed, relief began to pour over my limbs. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility that my legs were going intensely stiff.

“John..” protesting his idea that I had time to waste by sleeping, but then when he pulled me back, spoke of looking up at the moon and starts. I couldn’t help myself. The view from this deck was incredible.

“Resting… for a little while… no sleep.” A yawn escaped and I covered my mouth. “It’s really beautiful here.” I didn’t want to talk about #Miles now. I’d need to work it out, but later.

•— John —•

I chuckled at her yawn the moment she began to consider rest I could see it all racing to catch up with her. "If you insist on no sleep there's nothing, I can do about that." I rested my hand on her arm If she did drift off, she would know without a doubt she wasn't alone. Not Like the last time.

"I don't have any reaper sticks handy." I chuckled, my thumb stroking her arm. I knew even with the coats between her and the hard surface she couldn't be very comfortable... but it was the view that made it perfect for her.

"Just watch the moon pass by Raven. Just the moon and the stars, nothing else matters." I stroked her arm again and whispered as low as I could. "I've got you."

Nothing else existed, no #MilesShaw... no panic attacks, no burning planets. Just the moon, the stars and the Stargazer.

•— Raven —•

Good he understood, I would rest with my friend. A short time. I would lay here watching the moon and the stars and I would just rest. My eyelids began to grow heavier, and heavier, I told myself I would sit up in the next minute and that I would get right back to work. I closed my eyes to blink, and they didn’t open again.

My body hurt, but I felt some warmth coming from him. And I could swear he said ‘I’ve got you.’?

‘Did I need to be protected?’ Was the last thought I had and then nothing.

•— John —•

Tension started to leave her body little by little, sometimes coming back all in a rush, when she was fighting against the sleep, she insisted she didn’t need.

She was her own worst enemy, even now without the code eating away at her brain she was ready to work herself into an early grave. I had to find some way to her from destroying herself.

I rubbed her arm softly and lifted my hand to brush away a stray strand of hair that had escaped from her ponytail. My hand came to rest on the place on her upper back, the one spot on her body that I knew wasn’t littered with scars from her life on the ground.

I watched the moonlight shift over her features and begged the universe to keep her nightmares away.

#The100 #The100RP #OKTOrp #RavenReyes #Rey #Stargazer #JohnMurry #Murry #Watcher #AU #Stories #WritingRP

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