#mom's at the theater‚ my sister said she would help and then slept through the. cooking

[bredforloyalty]

yesterday i was fine and today. i am sick of this shit

[shijjii]

5 alarms that woke Chad up and 1 that didn't

Pretty self explanatory, noh?

(also, Chad has three siblings, two siblings that are two years older than him (twins, Fynn and Esi) and a sister younger than him by one year only (Adia), and he has two mothers Brianna Johnsons and Aimee Danforth (Fynn, Esi and Adia are Brianna's children) wow this is a long explanation I'm so sorry, please enjoy this thing)

One; cookies and lavenders

Sophomore year was something that he was supposed to enjoy, or at least, that's what his older siblings had told him.

Chad groaned as he sat by the window and waited for someone to sit beside him. Troy was somewhere near his dad, it was Mrs. Bolton's request that her baby boy not be separated from his father while travelling, so Chad was left to his own device, sitting by himself in the bus, looking outside the window as if he's in a movie

The others were already paired off when Troy told him his mother's request, making Chad unable to ask anyone else to sit with him

"you okay there, man?" he looks up to see Zeke standing from behind him. He was paired with Jason, who was already catching his sleep. It was way too early in the morning to even be awake but he did not complain as he knew how long the trip would be

"yeah, man. Just a little bummed, I guess?" Zeke hummed, disappearing into his seat for a moment and popped up once more with a Tupperware in hand "here, help yourself with these. I-Mom made it last night for me" Chad stared at it and took the container from his teammate's hand, thanking him before settling down as the bus started to move

He was too focused eating the cookies that he didn't notice someone sitting beside him until someone elbowed him due to the fact that the person beside him was almost tangled up with his bag

"oh, sorry" Chad looks up to see Ryan Evans, adjusting his lavender newsboy cap

"ish okay" he replies, mouth filled with cookies, Ryan was almost out of the bag's grip on him but he made one mistake and all of a sudden, it seemed like he was back to square one, making him click his tongue in annoyance. Chad settled the cookies in his lap and helped the boy out of his misery

"thanks" once the bag was now on the floor, Ryan thanked him and Chad just quietly hummed as he stared at Ryan and his lavender cap and lavender pants. He looked at the container in his hands before offering some to Ryan, who smiled and took one. He thanked Chad once more before Chad decided he had enough of the cookies and rest his head on the window to catch some sleep

He woke up when something was ringing and vibrating underneath his butt, groggily looking for whatever that was, he finds a phone that was definitely not his, he turns off the alarm and looks at Ryan who was asleep, with his arms crossed and head facing up the ceiling as his newsboy cap covered his face

Chad also noticed that he was shivering slightly and took off his jacket to put it on the boy, adjusting it a couple of times so that it won't fall off, he had to tuck in some of thr fabric and smiled to himself once he was satisfied with it

looking at the phone that was in his hand, he wasn't sure where he'll put it so he puts it inside the pocket of his jacket, hoping that Ryan will notice the phone once he wakes up

Two; illegal

Chad was waiting for Taylor to finish her daily 'light' reading in the library, he didn't really have anything else to do since Troy was off canoodling with his girlfriend

he made an impatient noise once more, making Taylor put her book down "if you don't want to read then just sleep" he looks at her for some time before deciding that she was right. He can just take a nap, so he made himself comfortable and crossed his arms, tilting his head down and closing his eyes. Tuning out the quiet chatter of some students who were discussing the theory of general relativity

He was startled awake as he hears a loud ring from somewhere inside the library, Taylor was almost finished with her reading when she too, was startled by the loud ring

"what the heck" she mumbles under her breath as she looks at the source of the noise, only to see Ryan scrambling to look for his phone to turn off the alarm

He was hatless and one side of his face was red, there were outlines on that side making chad presume that the boy had fallen asleep with his head on the table

The way Ryan rubbed the sleep away from his eyes and look for his fedora that fell on the floor when he was woken up by the alarm was doing things to Chad, and he didn't mind being suddenly woken up if the view was like that

"keep staring and he might melt" Taylor smirked at Chad as she closed her book, he huffs out in annoyance "let him melt then, it's illegal to look that good when you've just woken up" Taylor lets out a breathy laugh and stand up "come on, lover boy. Gabriella just texted me, saying that Troy's looking for you"

They both make their way out of the library, completely unaware of the eyes that trailed after Chad's back

Three; dreams don't count, but if it feels real...

The face Ryan had after he saw the enormous amount of collection of DVDs in their living room was amusing and cute, he had invited the boy over to watch some recorded musicals and Ryan said he'll bring some over, not expecting to see tons of playbills and DVDs. Chad explained to him that his mothers, Aimee and Brianna were quite the theater nerds themselves

The musical that they were watching was long finished and Chad had said something about Troy that just made the blonde burst out laughing, holding his stomach with his hands as he bent over. Chad laughed along with him, but he did not let this opportunity to look at Ryan go to waste. He just stared at Ryan, laughing with him, in hopes to not get caught. The way that the sun shine on him through the window made him look like an angel

After Ryan had calmed down, Chad only noticed how close they were together. He looked at the bright cerulean eyes that seemed to shimmer as the setting sun disappeared into the horizon through the open window

Chad doesn't know who leaned in first but the next thing he knew was that Ryan's lips were on his-

RING RING RING

Chad groaned and opened his eyes. He was just having a good dream when his alarm blared out through his room

"fucking-" he sat up and annoyingly stopped the alarm on his phone. As he sat on his bed in the quiet room, he thought back to his dream and smiled as he remembers the last part before he was rudely woken up by his alarm

"Chad!" snapping out of his trance, he hears Brianna call for him for breakfast

"coming, ma!" he shouted, finally getting up and fixing his bed quickly before making his way downstairs where he hears his mothers and sistsr, singing along with a song that he knows Ryan had sung once under his breath

sitting down on the table, ignoring his family's singing, he had a smile on his lips while his thoughts were filled of Ryan's face and laugh. Ever since the baseball game, Ryan would invade Chad's head at any point in time and it would sometimes get annoying because he can't focus but honestly, it was better than anything else

"mooom, Chad is smiling creepily at the table" Chad snapped out of his trance and kicked his younger sister under the table

"mom, ma, Adia is being offensive" Adia lets out a dramatic gasp and sets her spoon down with a slight thump "what?! I'm not offensive!"

"your face is offensive!"

"alright children, settle down" Aimee said with a snort and put down the food on the table, then they discussed that next week both mothers will have to travel to Chicago to visit their older siblings

Four; let the nightmare pass

Chad asked Mrs. Darbus for a quick break time as he was tired, he was surprised that she allowed an hour of break time. He had not slept very well yesterday night as his mothers got into a car crash. They were lucky that Brianna did not have any major injury but Aimee was the unfortunate between the two mothers as she has a broken arm and a couple broken ribs

the jock lays down in between the seats at the back, not even caring if someone sees him there, he just wanted to sleep somewhere quiet and far away from people. He set a quick alarm on his phone and laid there quietly

with his eyes closed, he thought how were his mothers doing? Were his mom doing okay? Did they eat? And if so, did they eat enough? Was Adia doing okay? He was sure that she was just as sleepy as he was feeling right now but how was she feeling? Was she scared? Of course she's scared, it's their mothers

and before Chad could even worry more, his mind and body has shut down

Ryan was tasked to search for Chad as they were going to start their rehearsal again, he searched every part of the theater for him, only to see the jock laying down at the very back, in between the seats and it was pretty obvious that he was having a nightmare, with the way he was twitching, the way his face would scrunch up and the occasional whimpers that he'd let out

Chad looked very vulnerable to Ryan at that time, he heard from his mother that they shouldn't wake up a person who's having nightmares, you have to let it pass. So he gently raises Chad's head and puts him on his lap, softly pushing his curls away from his forehead and with his other hand, he held Chad's, hoping that the nightmare will go away with the soothing actions that he was doing, not even noticing that he himself was falling asleep

They were both woken up with the alarm that Chad had set, Chad felt something quickly raise his head, a small thud and a sharp intake of breath

He opened his eyes to see Ryan's eyes tightly shut, holding the back of his head with one hand, he had his lips pursed. Quickly turning off the alarm, he then focused on Ryan

"what happened?" Chad rasped out, slowly sitting up and noticed that they were holding hands. He gently squeezed it to get Ryan's attention "I was so startled by the alarm that I hit the back of my head on the chair" Chad snorted and used his free hand to gently caress the back of his head as if it will relieve the pain

Ryan subconsciously leans into Chad's hand and softly smiled at his attempt, he feels Chad's hand carefully move from the back of his head to his cheek and he finally opened his eyes to scan the jock's face "you still look tired" Chad slightly opened his mouth to say that he was fine but closed it when he realized he didn't have to hide anything from Ryan

He smiled and put his forehead on Ryan's, closing his eyes "I am. Stay here for a little while, so I can recharge and everything will be okay again" he hears the blonde hum and lay his hand on top of Chad's, sitting there in the comfortable silence between them.

Five; apologies for the intrusion

Chad slowly opens his eyes as he reached out to his phone that was ringing, he looks at the time and sees that it was nearing the time to attend the last graduation party. They've already graduated and Troy was hosting one last party for their batch before they all go their own ways

Before Chad could even think of sleeping more, a message from Troy came in then suddenly his phone rang with Ryan's name

he dismissed the text message and quickly answered the call "what's up?"

"I had a feeling that you're going to sleep more so I've taken the liberty to come to your house right now and give you a ride to the Bolton's"

"what?" Chad sat up and made his way to his door but then he hears Ryan knock the same time someone knocked on their door

"Coming!" he hears his ma, Brianna, shout and walk to the front door

"wait, ma!-" too late, Brianna had already opened the door, looking at Ryan who was smiling brightly at her, phone still up to his ear

"oh!" Ryan's smile turned into a grin, he did a curtsy and said in his most posh accent

"Apologies for the intrusion, Madame. I'm Ryan Evans, I'm here to take lord Chad to lord Troy's party" Chad groaned as he ended the call and made his way down, he sees Ryan's amused expression, he was assuming that his hair was a mess and he did not care one bit that Ryan saw him like this if he get to see that amused cheshire smile on the blonde's face

"so this is Ryan Evans?" Brianna asked, smiling at the blonde who was standing by the door

"yes, ma. This is Ryan" Brianna opened her arms and hugged the boy, thoroughly surprising him "I've heard so much about you! Come in, come in" she ushers the blonde inside their home, Ryan regained his composure and followed Brianna inside

"Aimee can't greet you since she's resting right now"

"that is completely fine by me, I'm the guest and unannounced too, you don't have to inconvenience yourself because of me" Brianna chuckles "I like him" she points at Ryan and grins at Chad who was rubbing his face

"alright, you two go and get to know each other. I'll just get ready" he mumbles under his breath, waving his hand and not even looking at the two who was beaming at him as he make his way back upstairs

As he goes back downstairs, fresh out of the shower with a new set of clothes, he sees Ryan and Brianna talking about musicals and theater, quietly leaning on the wall as he observed the two talk in a quick manner. Chad just can never get enough of Ryan

Ryan finally notices him and stopped, smiling at Chad "you ready?" Chad nodded, giving his mother a kiss on the cheek and bid her goodbye

"take care of my son" Brianna says and waves them goodbye as Chad and Ryan get into the blue convertible

"so what did you two talk about?" Ryan chuckled under his breath, as he put up the hood of the car and closed the windows as it looked like it was about to rain "you ask as if you didn't listen in our conversation"

"yeah, but I wanna hear you talk. More so, I want to hear you talk about it because I know you two talked about musicals and that makes you excited" he sees as the tips of Ryan's ears turn red and started to talk about what he and Brianna discussed. He liked making Ryan blush, he liked it more when he sees him excited over something and happy

Ryan finally parked near by the Boltons and looked at Chad who was staring at him with love and adoration, there was a soft smile on his lips as he raise an eyebrow at the thespian

"nothing" Ryan said as he shook his head, answering the unspoken question

"sure?" Chad asked, Ryan hummed in response, there was a long comfortable silence between them, they were just staring at each other as if it was a competition but then Ryan made the mistake of looking at Chad's lips, and all of a sudden he leaned it. When he realized midway that he was going in for a kiss that may or may not destroy his friendship with someone he really got along so well, he decided to kiss Chad on the cheek

"you missed" the jock said, he managed to sound teasingly and breathless at the same time and that did things to Ryan

"did I? Where should I have kissed you?" he smirked at him, both eyes were challenging each other

"here" Chad whispered and leaned in, giving Ryan a kiss on the lips. They both sigh in relief, Ryan's hands snake up to Chad's arm, gently squeezing it, slightly opening his mouth, kissing Chad Danforth was not something he expected to be doing but his whole body felt like it was on fire and Ryan deepened their kiss more, making Chad groan

Before they can even do anything else, someone knocks on the window of the car making the two slightly part away from each other and Ryan click his tongue in annoyance

"later?" Chad asked, not really letting go of Ryan

"later" Ryan smiled and gave him a quick kiss before they made their way out of the car to greet Sharpay (she's the one who knocked on the window) and Zeke

+One; my knight

there was a ringing in the room, making him sigh and quickly turn off the alarm. Finally opening his eyes, he scanned the room that he has been sleeping in for the past six years. His eyes landed on the body that laid beside him, breathing slowed and relaxed, lips slightly agape and both their hands were intertwined. The two golden bands on their ring fingers glinted in the morning sun that was peaking through their curtains

Ryan smiled as he caressed Chad's cheek and sat up so he can become more awake. He remembers the day that Chad gave him a promise ring back in 2012, doing a wedding vow because they knew it wasn't legal to get married yet, and when they both proposed to each other back in 2015 when same sex marriage was finally legalized then got married in 2016, Ryan thought that getting into Juilliard was a happiness that cannot be replaced by any other, but now, with his memories with Chad, waking up beside him, were memories that Ryan will never get tired of.

Chad groans and snuggles closer to Ryan's body warmth, he can't believe that this man has stayed with him for thirteen years and that they're married for six years now.

the door of their room slowly opens and two children popped their heads in, Amara and Aidan Danforth-Evans blinked at Ryan in surprise. Clearly not expecting for their father to be already awake

Ryan smiled at them and motioned for them to come into the bed with him and Chad

Aidan quietly moved but Amara had different plans as she ran and jumped on Chad's sleeping figure, making both Aidan and Ryan snort

Chad made a sound as if he was dying "oh nooo, the horrible horrible monster has me! My knight, save me" Chad rasped, reaching out to Ryan

"you can save yourself"

"hey!" they all laugh at their antics, Chad maneuvers himself and had Amara up on his shoulder as he stood up from the bed

Aidan was now trying to save his twin sister from the horrible dragon as Ryan just watched them from the bed. If someone asked him thirteen years ago where he sees himself in the future, he'll probably say that he'll be alone and happy, dedicating his time and life to work

If someone told him that he'd get to marry his long time crush, Chad Danforth and get to take care of two adorable little monkeys, he'd probably laugh at them and tell them they were crazy

But looking at the scene that was unfolding in front of him, the way Chad slowly went down to the ground with equal amounts of drama, and the twins laughing at him, Ryan would not trade this for anything in the world. It was not something he had foreseen in his teenage years but it was definitely better than anything

[suphoshi]

LOVE YOU LIKE THIS | Byun Baekhyun x Female Reader

Genre: Fluff, maybe the tiniest little bit of angst

Word Count: 2,057

Baekhyun loved you in loud ways. He shouted it from mountain tops, made sure every God knew you were his, kissed you like you were the most perfect thing in the world. You loved him softly. Quietly. Kept him tucked safely under your arm away from everyone else. You would never be good enough for him. He loved you anyways.

--

“I love you.”

He says it in the way he tip-toes into the room at 10 p.m. after he puts the kids to sleep, letting you go to bed early after washing the dishes. He says it when he crawls into bed and pulls the blankets over your shoulders even though he knows you’re going to pull them off of him in the middle of the night. He says it when he watches you breathe, touches your cheek, kisses your forehead. His arms wrap around you for just a few seconds because he knows you can’t stand being held for too long while you sleep. This is how he loves you.

He rolls away onto his back after a few minutes and his soft snores follow soon after. Your eyes peek open to see him and you sit up, moving closer. Even like this, him asleep and laying on his back with his head faced away, you feel so whole. You mimic his action from before and pull the covers up over him, but it doesn’t feel like enough. It never does. Unlike him, it was always so hard for you to show the small ways you loved him. He had a way of filling your heart up with the simplest actions. Making you breakfast even when he was late for work, holding you while you cried, which was often. He tied your shoes when you didn’t even notice they had come loose. He loved everyone. Brought his sunshine smile everywhere he went. Made you laugh more than you ever thought was possible. He made you a mom to the most beautiful children on the earth. Every day, he did something to make you smile. Every day.

When you were five, your mom died. You weren’t even fully able to grasp what that meant then, but you knew she was gone. An absence in your life that would never be filled again. Soon after, your dad left. He was never a loving person to you, never really showed much interest even before your mom died, but still. He was your dad, and he was gone. Your grandma raised you alone. She wasn’t a tender and loving person, but still. She was all you had. She died when you were fifteen. You didn’t cry, but you felt her loss in the same way you felt your mothers. You moved in with your aunt after that. She never wanted you, but she felt obligated as your mother’s sister to at least let you stay through high school, which you did. During your senior year, you applied for every scholarship to get into college just so you could get away, studied harder than anyone. Took every part time job you could manage. Did anything to make ends meet. Four years later, you had a job at an accounting firm in Seoul as a secretary. You had an apartment to yourself, lived comfortably alone. It was enough.

You met Baekhyun at a movie theater. It was the last showing of some stupid cartoon that had terrible ratings.

“What movie has the least amount of people in it?” You asked and the employee looked at you curiously before checking. You can’t even remember the name of it, but you bought a ticket, a box of candy, and a large sprite. The theater was nearly vacant, exactly what you wanted, minus one person sitting in the back corner. You didn’t mean to intrude on their space, but the back row was your favorite spot. So, you sat as far away as you could and put your feet up on the seat in front of you while the  previews came on. It wasn’t long before your shoulders felt heavier, your eyes drooping.

It felt like the next day by the time your eyes opened again, the sound of someone clearing their throat jolting you awake. All of the lights in the theater were on now. Your candy and sprite sat completely untouched beside you.

“Excuse me?”

Your head snapped up at the voice and you pulled your legs off of the seat in front of you so fast that one of your shoes came off. The person beside you chuckled and climbed over the seat below you, grabbing your shoe.

“You okay?” He asked. You looked at him and he was wearing a mask, brown hair poking out from under the hood of his sweatshirt, falling into his eyes some. You nodded your head, holding your hand out for your shoe.

“You slept through the entire movie.” He said with a chuckle and you stared at him, unsure of why he would care.

“I don’t come to watch; I just like the sound.” You said, still waiting for him to hand your shoe back.

“The sound?” He questioned, and you nodded.

“Yeah. Like, the vibrations when it’s loud. I like the sound of it.”

He took that in for a second, humming and looking around before his eyes settled back on you.

“Interesting. You didn’t eat your candy.” He pointed out and you looked down at the unopened box beside you.

“I know. I just got off of work, so I was tired.” You said before looking back at him. “What about you? You seem to have paid a lot of attention to me during the movie, did you even watch?”

You could see the smile in his eyes, even with the mask on, and it made your heart jump.

“I didn’t come to watch either. I just like to be alone and I heard this movie was awful and it came out weeks ago, so I knew no one would be here.”

You were both quiet for a minute, just staring at each other. It scared you how comfortable you felt in that silence.

“Can I have my shoe back?” You asked and his eyes smiled again before handing it to you. You smiled to yourself as you stood up, gathering your things. He didn’t move. Just watched you. You pulled your bag over your shoulder and looked at him while you adjusted your shoe back on your foot.

“What?” You asked and he shook his head. Those eyes were going to be bad for you. You could feel it in the way your stomach kept flipping, over and over when you saw them.

“What’s your name?” He asked and you answered quickly, waiting for his in return.

“I’m Baekhyun.” He said. More silence. It was cute how awkward he seemed, like he didn’t know how to talk to a girl when he had nothing to worry about with you. A girl who never even spoke to a guy before.

He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck before looking away. “Um, so. I come here every Tuesday.”

He said it so innocently that you softened for a second. Somehow, it was the nicest thing you’d ever heard even if he didn’t directly state what he meant by it. It brought the biggest smile to your cheeks and you nodded.

“Tuesday.” You repeated and he shook his head ‘yes’. You nodded in response before walking out.

You came back every Tuesday. At first, you both sat the same distance apart. Sometimes you slept, sometimes the movie ended up being funny, so you laughed. Sometimes you cried. The first time you did, Baekhyun moved to the seat beside you and handed you a napkin. You laughed because it was so embarrassing, but he said it was fine. Once that barrier was broken, he never sat anywhere but right beside you. Not much later, you started seeing him outside of the movies, texting and calling each other, talking about your lives. It was so hard to let him in the way you did, but Baekhyun did everything in his power to know the darkest parts of your heart, and you didn’t know how to make him stop (you didn’t really want him to).

Eventually, things changed from silent movie dates, to movie dates where you held hands. After that, he would walk you to your car, give you a hug. When he kissed you for the first time, you ran away because it brought tears to your eyes. It shocked you how tender and gentle he was. No one ever touched you like that before. He just smiled and watched you go. When you opened your phone that night before bed, scared and certain he would want nothing to do with you anymore, you cried again.

Baekhyun [ 22:37 ]:

You look so pretty in blue. And when you

smile. And when you cry. And when you run.

I hope you don’t run forever.

No one ever wanted you before, but the thought that Baekhyun wanted you filled that void in your life so quickly that it scared you. He was the most perfect person you had ever known. You grew up thinking you never deserved that kind of love, but he gave it to you despite that. And he never let you run again.

Now you’re staring down at him. Your husband, the father of your kids, your best friend, your favorite person in the whole world. You can’t help but cry. You don’t deserve him. You never will.

You sniffle too loud and he wakes up, eyes heavy, turning to face you.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, wrapping his fingers around your wrist. You shake your head and cry harder, not sure how to say all of the things you want to. ‘Thank you’, ‘Thank you for being there for me and the kids’, ‘Thank you for working so hard to keep everyone happy’, ‘Thank you for being my best friend’, ‘Thank you for loving me’.

“Babe,” he says sitting up now and pulling you onto his lap, pressing your head into his chest. “Why are you crying?”

His hand grips the back of your neck, holding you close, while his free hand rests on your lower back. He rubs gentle circles there, breathes love into your soul like it’s the only thing he knows how to do. It’s so easy for him to make you feel calm and you wonder if you’ve ever made him feel that way. If he feels the most at home in your arms, the way you do in his.

“Whatever it is, it’s okay. Don’t cry.” He mumbles into your shoulder and it only makes you cry harder. You grip him tightly and pray to a God you’re not even sure exists that he won’t ever take him away from you. No matter what it takes, you never want to live in a world without him.

All of those feelings sit inside your heart, beg for a way out, beg for a way to communicate to him the way you feel, but you just sit there silently. He grips your shoulders, pulling away from you a little to see your face. He wipes the tears from your eyes, kissing you lightly. His lips on yours ignite the same fire in your stomach they always have, even when they’re only there for a second. He doesn’t ask for more, just looks at you, caressing your cheeks with his thumbs, brushing away your tears.

“I love you.” You say. And it’s in the way his eyes smile before his lips do that you know. He can hear your love in the same way you hear his.

He hears it in your eyes when you tear up while he sings the kids to sleep. He hears it when you make him take his vitamins before he leaves for work. He hears it when you play with his hair on the couch while you watch a movie. He hears it when you lay out his pajamas before he gets home and they always seem to match yours. He hears it just like you.

“I know.” He says and you pout your lip a little, tears filling your eyes again. He kisses you just like he did all of those years ago outside of the movie theater and it continues to amaze you that someone could touch you so gently. He lays you back down and you let him keep his arms around you now, because even though you hate being held while you sleep, it’s okay because it’s Baekhyun. And you want him to hold you forever.

--

Hi guys!! So this is the first kind of fic I have ever posted, and I really hope you guys enjoy!!! I was inspired by Valentine’s day and just felt filled with a lot of love, so this is what came from that. Please like or leave me some critiques/reblog, whatever it is you wanna do, I would really really appreciate it!!! Also, if no one told you how much they love you this v-day, please know I love you dearly from the bottom of my soul and I hope you all find your 2020 filled with 100000000x more love. Okay, that’s all, bye bye!

[hypnodesires]

What if I hadn't waited?...

I often look back on my life, on all the crazy things I have done in the past that I know for a fact, I could never do at my age now (I'm making myself sound like I'm 80 but trust me I'm way younger than that)….  For me at least being a first-time mom took a lot out of my body and mind (along with the damn drama going on in my family is not helping), so I can't see myself getting it on in the back of a movie theater or a quickly while the family is in the next room or out in a park…. Fuuuuuck that shit, I have had my fun but in all that time I never told anyone about hypnosis or my love for it….. I can't even imagine what someone would have done to me if I had shared it with the wrong person… (keep in mind I lost my Vcard at age 14 freshmen year) and that guy played me for a fool… of course I fell into it, I didn't feel loved in my own home. Everything and anything that happen was always blamed on me… and all the house duty fell onto me as well, while my younger sister was clearly the favorite and got away with it all. I made lots of bad choices just because I wanted to be love, Not to mention the body-shaming my mom put me through that still effects me and my sister to this day….. being told no one would love me being as big that I was (keep in mind I was 150 compared to what I am now 223 lb or my biggest that I ever was 265 lb) but After falling for that fuckface with a small ass dick who played me, I knew then that I couldn't let it happen again.

I don't know what others would do if they went through what I did, the rest of my relationships following that event had to wait more than 6 months to get any action from me….. And for a teen girl or boy that shit was hard lol (I was a good ass tease though wink*). I wanted to know that the next person was into me as a person and not just wanting sex, I kept my true kinks to myself and if asked I would say "3sum, roleplay, etc" even in roleplay I would never bring up hypnosis, none of the men I was with ever mention it…… but if they had ooooo I was going to have a good time, I mean it was role play, why waste it right, not like they would know. After I dated fuckface, I dated a metalhead for 2 weeks… he left me only to date another girl the next day….. my only guess is that she was willing to put out the same day, in a way it just reinforced my mindset on making men wait (trust me, ladies, the payoff is glorious) but I know not everyone has the same will power but I have my weaken too, I am only human after all haha. I was single for a short time after that metalhead, where I soon became the target of a dirty (I mean never took showers) white guy, An old friend of mine told me he never took showers until he started to ask me out over and over. In high school, I would get there an hour before classes just so I could eat with my friends before school and one day he showed up along with some other guy who I thought was much cuter but was gay sadly, we'll call the gross guy Jim. I don't know what he saw in me that he just could not leave me alone, I had turned him down twice but I'm guessing he got some of my friends to get me to give him a chance….. How I wish I hadn't, this guy was so pushy about wanting to do stuff and my no's fell on deaf ears. Asking people to help him but my good friends stayed out of it (you could warn a bitch damn lol) inner thoughts, I was approached by two teachers at different times while I was with him. I was told by one that Jim would throw fits like a toddler in class and scream if things didn't go his way, they just wanted to make sure I was ok and he wasn't doing anything to me (not at that time) but after the second teacher confronted me about him, I was already seeing some signs….. he wanted to follow me into the girl locker room until a teacher kicked him out, he would run to my last class of the day just so he could walk home even though we lived in a different direction, the thing that creeped me out was when he called me while I was out at the movies with my friend but I never told him what movie I was in and 20 min into the movie I hear the theater door open all hard and when I turned there he was looking around to find me….. and he did. I found myself wanted to get away from him but I still stayed up until he moved away….. Well, even then I still stayed… I'm not proud of it but I was young and dumb plain and simple, I know that if I would have left him while he was still in the same city I would have ended up on the ID channel (google it if you don't know ). I can't even imagine what he would have tried to implant into my mind had I ever told him…. I shudder to think. I was in my senior year of high school and still with Jim, he would text me all day and once home I would hope on yahoo massager and we would talk the rest of the day…. But I met my main man that year in my second semester, we became friends through a mutual friend of ours, he knew I was with Jim but told my love I was single. In a way I'm glad he did that, I don't think I could of left Jim on my own. As time went on I knew my love had the feeling for me and so did I, I woke up on Feb 14, 05 at 5:00 am out of a deep sleep full of energy blurting out "he is going to ask me out today!" something in my gut was screaming at me that it was going down, I worked up the courage to break up with Jim….. yes on that same day…. I was scared… I called and prayed he wouldn't pick up…. I pulled a Mosby (how I met you mother reference) I left a brake up voice mail and before any more of you looks down on me, ANYONE and EVERYONE is allowed to break up with a CRAZY/UNSTABLE person over the phone that is the only exception that is appropriate and not to mention its much SAFER.  The day went on and I kept checking my phone surprised that he hadn't blown up my phone yet, my love asked to walk me home and he did. While we walked I kept checking my phone but not a word from Jim, we made it to my house and my love gave me some candies, a beautiful card with his feeling written down inside… at that moment I had forgotten all about Jim, forgotten my fear, my dread. Looking into the eyes of my love I felt safe & that I found someone who truly loved me, to this day I still can't fully explain how he made me feel in that moment all I know it was a beautiful feeling... All I know is that no one ever made me feel that way since. Of course, once he left and us being a couple now, I was on cloud nine…. It would be short-lived. Once I hopped onto yahoo messager I made sure to stay invisible as to not be seen, Jim was on and had already sent me a hello message… I was surprised he was so calm, surely he'd already heard my voice mail?…. I had sent it first thing in the morning but it was already 4 pm, I switch to online and asked him if he wasn't mad?  He said mad about what? I then told him I was sorry but my voice mail would tell him and I "log off"  1 min goes by and I got call after call from Jim. He left voicemails with each call he made and there was a pattern, first message he left was him crying "please Quinn pick up, I love you don't do this to me" next massage in a raging voice "I'll fucken kill you, pick up your phone you stupid bitch" next message "I'm going to kill myself plz Quinn PICK UP!" and start all over with the sobbing and begging for me to comeback…… I did pick up the phone after he left over 50 voicemails and told him "you need to stop, I can't do this anymore and you are scaring me…." Before I could continue Jim said, "please talk to my mom PLEASE!" I agree and while on the phone with her, I could hear Jim screams and his mom yells out to her husband "get the pills away from him! Jim, you need to stop!.... sweetie what going on?" I told her I was scared of her son and that I was no longer going to move up there with them, she understood and told me "you know that ring Jim gave you? it's my engagement ring, could you send it to me. I gladly agreed and asked her to mail me back some of my stuff Jim had taken from me and she did, though not all of them, I was happy he was no longer in my life. He did continue to call my cell, my sister cell, and my grandparent's house phone just to talk to me, until my dad picked up the phone and asked him to pass the phone to his dad which he did & that was the last time I heard from him over the phone, he did try a few months later but I never picked up… so I think he gave up.

I was with my love for 3 years until I ended it due to, growing apart and I didn't like being put down or made to feel bad just cuz I didn't want to do something. We met in 05, the same year that How I met your mother premiered, and got back together the same year the show ended in 2014. my reason for leaving him, to begin with, was the fact he got too comfortable just taking off and sayings things like "I guess they're not much for me here then, I'm all done here then" and he would just leave if I didn't put out for the night?! our break up was necessary for us to make the changes that ultimately made us stronger. I was a freak in the sheets it was his fucken loss, he knows that now and say he will never let me go. I know we did a bit of role-playing of my kink when we were first together, but he never took it seriously and I never made a big fuss about it…. but it was hot. Then I was with Kyo (it was my pet name to him because he didn't like his name) I was with him for a while and I fucked up…. WE both fucked up, meeting him online and being apart I had a relapse and slept with my love….. I know why would I sleep with him if I left him in the first place…… no one is perfect but I made it clear that this was NOT going to continue, I felt extreme guilt and told Kyo…. He forgave him as we still had not even met yet, but little did I know he was still talking to some women he had been seeing and fail to tell me he hadn't ended it with her….. but once he moved in with me it was over but something inside me was telling me to look through his laptop so I did, I found he still had photos of his ex... nude photos of her… including emails of him making it seem like he was still with her but he told me they broke it off and he deleted everything. From the start I should have known this wasn't going to work, we all make mistakes and I have defiantly learned from it. But as time went on Kyo discovered he was into cross-dressing with the help of my best friends, I encouraged him to be himself and that was the only time I saw him happy…. We would give him dresses, do his makeup, wax his whole body, and take him to the clubs to strut his stuff. At the end of the night, we'd go home and enjoy some sexy time and he loved being in his outfits while we got it on and I loved it as well…. With many outing that we have done, I decided to finally tell him about my kink…. Keep in mind I did what I could to get him off whatever he wanted I tried, he likes it when I would jack him off with my panties, blow jobs, and doing it while dressed up…. So when I brought it up, he was like "that weird" (really guy?!?! I'm weird! Get your bitch ass out of here with the panties jerking and cross-dressing) I was hurt…. I had welcomed all he wanted and never made any faces or made him feel bad about it cuz there is no need to kink shame, but he couldn't do the same for me? He barely gave it a try. More time went on and my love for him had faded away, I didn't feel loved by him…. I had done so much to make him feel welcome with all my friends and showed him how much I cared but I never felt like his #1, I felt like an afterthought with him… like I'll get to you when I can…. I knew that if we didn't last, his childhood friend would hop on that dick when I left him. He took it hard and called him mother to tell her everything….. we both made mistake but I'm sure I was made the main villain, Kyo kept telling me he wanted to try again and he still loved me but he was joining the marines. I had told him before he ever thought of joining that I could never be with someone who joins the marines/army/etc, etc… and I kept good on that but my best friend called him out on his bullshit about "loving me" as he had shown her photos of him at base camp but failed to remove the nudes photos of the girl I knew would take him once I was gone, my friend just told him "you love Quinn huh? You can cut the shit you have moved on, so stop acting as if you miss her".  From what I know he is married to her, she doesn't like his cross-dressing and won't sleep with him if he does dress up cuz it makes her feel "uncomfortable"…. He told me this on the last conversation we ever had, I could hear his sadness but I could hear him try to play it off like it wasn't hurting him or bothered him…. How could it not? For almost 4 years he had encouragement, support, and lots of love from a woman who fully accepted every part of him to a woman who thinks it's weird…. How the tables have turned.

I didn't stay single for long as I reconnected with my love and soon started dating again, since we last were together  we sure did a lot of growth in that time apart. It made us even stronger, I honestly can't see myself with anyone else (maybe Johnny depp lol) a girl can dream right hahaha I can feel my love's eyes rolling back hahaha. When I first told him about my love for hypnosis his reaction was the best, with a calm loving look he says "oh that's new" since then we have had our fun with it, even tho its more for me then it is for him. he is coming around to it so that makes me happy. 

i’m happy with how thing have been going on in our sexy time department, getting our kinks out and what not. i’m just glad i don’t have to worry about someone fucking up my mind, its mine! ya i want someone to play with it and get freaky with it but at the end of the day i’m still me! and not with abuser or crazy person. so watch your mind ladies and gentlemen not everyone is going to care for you so choose wisely we only have one mind, so dont loss it!

[chogiwakeupsheeple]

TaeKai; The F in Friendship Stands for Feelings ~ pt. 3

Genre: Angst (fluff)      Pairing: Taemin x Kai      Words: 2200

Being a horny, gay teenager isn’t easy - no one claimed it would be.

Part: one | two | three

The whole relationship with Allison had been an accident of sorts; an unfortunate event caused by Jongin's mom interrupting his, until then, peaceful breakfast. There were plenty of girls at school, some of which he knew as cheerleaders from his sports matches, but he had never been close with any of them other than just regular politeness and acquaintances. He had never wanted to make a ton of friends at school, and definitely not a girlfriend, seeing as his friendship with Taemin was more than enough to get him through life. His mom, however, seemed to have other sinister plans that morning.

Jongin had, as he always did, come downstairs to enjoy a bowl of his favorite cereal (that his parents only allowed him to eat during weekends because of ''all the sugar'') when he noticed his mom already in the kitchen. He said a quiet 'good morning' and she replied without further comment. Bowl, cereal, milk - Jongin loved the simplicity of breakfast. It was one of the few silent moments in the house as he always got up before his talkative sisters. The moment, however, ended as soon as it began.

''Did you know that Allison from your grade has a crush on you?'' his mom suddenly asked, breaking the comfortable silence. She dragged out the word crush as if it was something she had read in a teen magazine and was just now trying out for the first time. Jongin nearly choked on his cereal when hearing her question - he did not know. ''Please don't ever use the word 'crush' again and how do you even know?'' he answered with a question of his own after making sure his breakfast wasn't going to kill him by getting stuck in his throat. ''Her mom told me last week when I ran into her at the supermarket - I think it's adorable'' she explained. Jongin did not think it was adorable. His mom had her back to him as she calmly cleaned some dishes from last night's dinner, but she turned around slightly and involuntarily tensed her shoulders before continuing, ''you know, the other parents at school asked me if you were gay-'' Jongin tensed up even more than his mother and had to put down his spoon before dropping it in shock and splashing milk everywhere. ''-Are you?''

Of course the other parents had to go spread rumors like that, he thought, fucking typical. Jongin had the sudden urge to bite his nails to get rid of some of the nervousness that was rapidly spreading throughout his body, but he knew that would expose him. Parents always tell their kids they'll love them no matter what, but when it came to Jongin's family there were a few things that they simply didn't talk about - this was one of them. For his mom to even utter the word 'gay' meant that whatever he answered next could change everything. ''Of course not, why would they think that?'' he finally answered, trying to sound genuinely offended. His mom turned her back to him again and continued with the dishes, this time scrubbing them excessively hard as if  she, too, was getting rid of built up tension. ''They just think it's odd that a handsome, young man like you haven’t ever dated'' she explained, but it was clear that 'they' weren't just the other parents - her and his dad had definitely had this talk before she confronted him.

Jongin had completely lost his appetite and pushed the bowl of soggy cereal away before looking at the wall-clock, hoping he could escape the conversation by pretending he had promised to meet Taemin. Shit, it was too early to meet on a Saturday, his mom wouldn't fall for it. When Jongin didn't answer, his mom forgot about the dishes in favor of shuffling across the kitchen floor before coming to a halt at the table of judgement. Jongin wasn't a small guy but he felt incredibly tiny with his mom looming over him with her figurative gavel, ready to announce the penalty. ''I think you should ask Allison out on a date this afternoon, you owe your dad and I that much'' she said sternly. And just like that, Jongin was sentenced to three hours of dating with no chance of bail; the movie theater became his prison and Allison's fingers interlocking with his became his handcuffs.

Taemin's breath hitched in his throat once he had registered Jongin's words; ‘’...the most important person in my life.’’ he’d said. He didn't know if the slight tingle on his skin was from the closeness of his friend or the cold tiles of the bathroom floor they were still seated on, but he didn't care. The words echoed in his mind as he tried to calm his frantic heart; they were so close that Taemin could just lean in and- no, he shouldn't be having those urges. Jongin was not his boyfriend and Taemin had been hurt - this was simply a case of a friend helping out a friend and he shouldn't misunderstand. But oh how he wanted to misunderstand. Jongin's breath felt warm on his neck and sent small sparks through his body and made him feel almost electric. As much as he tried to calm himself, he however soon became very aware of the not so slight tingle spreading to a specific part of his body. Oh no. His hormones were racing at the speed of light - he was a teenager with his crush right in his face, what was he supposed to do?

''Are you ready to stand up?'' Jongin asked, ''I should probably follow you home.''

Taemin panicked at the thought of getting up, considering his current situation. There was no elegant way of standing up without revealing the very suspicious shape in his pants, he had to calm himself down first and it had to happen fast. Not only would he risk Jongin seeing it, but anyone could walk into the bathroom at any moment and see the two boys on the floor - one of them possessing a painfully awkward boner. That would definitely warrant a visit to the principal’s office as well as rumors spreading across the school. Well, more than there already was. Taemin was used to rumors like that - he'd be rich if he had a penny for every time someone called him gay, sissy or some variation thereof. But he couldn't do that to Jongin, especially not considering the family he had. Taemin knew his family very well, he'd been at Jongin’s home and slept over numerous times, but that also meant he was painfully aware of their thoughts about same sex relationships; it had been a cause for many awkward conversations over dinner. No, he couldn't do that to his best friend, he had to find a way out of this situation. Fast.

''We'll get in trouble if we ditch school - just go to class, I'll be fine'' Taemin answered, trying to sound convincing, but he'd never been a great liar. ''Tae, it's fine, really, I'll follow you home'' the other reassured with a bright smile, only worsening the pants situation. Jongin was resilient, Taemin knew that - everyone knew that. It was a quality he usually loved about him, but right in this situation it was very f-ing frustrating as Taemin knew he didn't stand a chance at making the other give up. ''Well,'' he sighed, ''I have to use the bathroom before we go.'' Jongin replied with a quick 'sure' and got up from the floor, sticking out his hand to help his injured friend up. Taemin merely looked at his hand as if he wasn't sure what to do with it, and unfortunately the other noticed this. ''This is a hand, Tae, you're supposed to take it'' he mocked with a glint in his eyes, but Taemin didn't react. He was thinking of an escape plan.

''Actually,'' he sputtered, choking slightly on his words, ''my mom will kill me if she sees I got my tie dirty, will you wash it while I pee?'' He tried laughing at how ridiculous the whole thing sounded but it came out more like a high-pitched hiccup. His friend agreed and went to take off the tie, but as soon as his warm hands graced Taemin’s neck, he panicked all over again with a yelp, took it off himself and nearly threw it across the room. Jongin put his hands on his sides like a mother about to scold her toddler and lifted an eyebrow. ''You must have hit your head on the floor…'' he muttered but went to pick up the tie anyway. Taemin finally saw his chance and yanked himself off the floor in record time and threw himself into the nearest stall, making sure to lock behind him before proclaiming that he couldn't pee while the other was still in the room.

''Are you kidding?'' he laughed, each word getting slightly louder as he moved closer to the stall his friend was hiding in, ''you've never had a problem with that.'' He was leaning against the stall next to Taemin's with the tie still in his hand. ''Remember that one summer when we were 7 where we decided to 'water' my mom’s hydrangeas together?'' he laughed, reminiscing their shared childhood. Taemin did remember and the thought made him smile. Jongin’s mom was so pissed back then - literally red with rage - and the two of them had made their naked escape into a shrubbery his mom didn't dare follow them into. ''Yeah I remember,'' Taemin laughed, ''I totally got a rash from those bushes by the way.'' They laughed together at the memory for a while before Jongin spoke again: ''I refuse to believe that you all of a sudden have a shy bladder, but you also did just get beat up, so I'm not allowed to say no to you.'' After that Taemin heard the footsteps of his friend followed by a door opening and closing - finally alone.

He looked down to assess the situation only to find a tent big enough to fill an entire campsite. He cursed under his breath as he undid his belt and carefully stuck a hand down his underwear; there was only one way to get out of this situation and he knew what he had to do.

Jongin was leaning up against the wall next to the door to the bathroom, picking dirt out from under his nails when Allison rushed to his side. ''Jongin! Are you okay?'' she panted, putting a hand on his shoulder and giving it a slight squeeze. ''I'm fine'' he stated without further comment - he wasn't really in the mood to deal with his fake girlfriend after what had just happened. ''You just suddenly barged out of class, I was worried something had happened'' she continued, genuine worry in her eyes. Jongin shook her hand aggressively off his shoulder before finally turning to look at her. ''Taemin got beaten up,'' he snapped, ''because of you.'' Allison's eyes widened in shock and confusion as she stammered out both a what, why and how but Jongin didn't answer. He knew it hadn't actually been her fault, she genuinely cared about him but he was pissed his best friend got hurt and needed someone to blame. Besides, maybe this could make her break up with him, then his mom would finally leave him alone. Tears started to well up in Allison’s eyes as he wouldn't answer her. He was unnecessarily mean in his demeanor; it wasn't fair but neither was what the bullies had done.

It was at this moment that Taemin finally exited the bathroom. Upon seeing the scrapes on his face and the dirt on his clothes, Allison realized the severity of the situation - that he had actually gotten beaten up and that it might actually have been her fault. Tears finally spilled from her eyes as she turned around and ran away from her boyfriend as fast as she had run to him in the first place. Taemin observed the situation in confusion before looking at Jongin for answers, but he simply shook his head, saying ''don't worry about it.''  

Taemin cleared his throat in an attempt at resolving the awkward tension that had quickly formed between them. Besides what had just happened, Taemin also feared that Jongin somehow knew what he had just done. He felt dirty - perverted even - more so than the grimy bathroom floor had made him feel. ‘’I, uh, think I’ll go home now’’ Taemin stated, eyes glued to his feet out of shame. ‘’I’ll follow you’’ Jongin insisted, but Taemin merely shook his head in response before grabbing his tie from the hand of his friend and walking away. Jongin didn’t follow him.

Taemin had always thought the worst day of his life had been the day he threw up on himself in front of his entire class because he was nervous about a presentation, followed by him tripping on the doorstep when running away crying. He was wrong. This, this was without a doubt the worst day of his life thus far.

[thelittlestcheshire]

Hello! I’m Katie, and this is my muse Ches. There’s like death/murder tws in this but honestly? I just did this in a quick fact kinda way so... nothing is really detailed.

Is that HAILEY CHESHIRE “CHES” ELSWOOD? Wow, they do look a lot like KATHERINE MCNAMARA. I hear SHE is a EIGHTEEN year old SENIOR who originally attended CARNIFEX Academy. Word is they are an ARISTOCRAT student. You should watch out because they can be IMPULSIVE and STUBBORN, but on the bright side they can also be LOYAL and CREATIVE. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself.

♥ basics; Full Name: Hailey Cheshire “Ches” Elswood Age: 18 Birthday: July 19th Sexual Orientation: Biromantic bisexual Relationship Status: Single Occupation: Student Nationality: American [with French dual citizenship] Ches’s Car

♥ classes;

Anthropology

Shakespearean Studies

Linguistics

Latin

Music

Advanced Sociology

Advanced Psychology

Russian

World History

♥ extracurriculars;

National Honor Society

Theater Club (Actor)

Concert Band (Piano)

♥ background; Place of Birth: Paris, France Hometown: New York, New York Health Issues: Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD Traumas: Watching her mother die (mugging gone wrong/shot to death)

♥ physical; Face Claim: Katherine McNamara Eye Color: Green Hair Color: Red Height: 5′3 ½” Weight: 115 lbs Tattoos, Birthmarks, Scars, etc: Mole above her belly button, a few moles on her thighs, freckles and face moles. (Face Ref 1, Face Ref 2,  Body Ref 1, Body Ref 2)

♥ relatives;

Father’s Full Name: Edward Valentine Elswood Father’s Status: Alive Father’s Occupation: CEO/Owner of a multi-billion dollar luxury goods conglomerate  (net worth of 50+ Billion in fact - in turn Elswood kids do NOT bat an eyelash at prices) Mother’s Full Name: Julia Andrieux Elswood Mother’s Status: Deceased [shot by a mugger on the twin’s 8th birthday] Siblings: 6 brothers and sisters (family page here) Elswood Children Oldest to Youngest:

Logan (23)

Jamie (21)

Emmett (19)

Jonah / Ches (TWINS)

Effie (13)

Ella (10)

♥ relationships; Ex-Significant Other(s): Probably a handful of people tbh, hit me up if you want this as a WC Reason for Separation: Stuff not working out, Ches getting bored before she got attached, so on - she’s a flirt tbh, it takes her wanting to get invested for her to stay Current Significant Other: N/A because she’s too busy sabotaging shit with Thomas

♥ misc;

Hobbies: playing piano, archery, singing, reading, and acting

Pinterest Board // Musings Tag // Playlist

Ches speaks English and French fluently, her mother was born and raised in Paris so she learnt them both at the same time

DO NOT CALL HER HAILEY unless you really want to end up on her shit list.

She’s the mom friend if your mom friend also goes “I HAVE THE BEST IDEA” and drags you into trouble. Literally, the one who frets over you and proceeds to get you into trouble.

This muse does what she wants, I just write it down I apologize always for her

Doesn’t really... seriously date too much because of past situations (Her older brother slept with the first person she truly loved) and she tries to avoid falling in love

That being said platonic I love yous are her shit, she loves her friends a LOT

Ches is very serious about her studying (and wanting to be among the best of the best because - this girl has Ivy league college dreams and she has no intents on fucking those up)

That being said if you get her away from her books she’s actually a lot of fun, she’s just like work first play later

She’s a bit of a closet nerd - if you look under her bed she has a chest of comic books, she’ll just lie if you ask her about them

Honestly, bios are my least favorite thing so if anyone has questions about Chessie just... toss them my way I’ll eagerly answer them.

♥ bio;

TWs: Gun Violence, Murder, Death, Blood, Abuse (Relationship), Cheating, Mental Illnesses

Growing up as an Elswood means two things, you have a lot of a sibling and a lot of money. Her parents had decided to raise their children in Manhattan, New York, where they could keep a close eye on their multi-billion dollar conglomerate. Her mother, Julia, would take them on trips constantly too - when she wanted to get the children away from the hustle and bustle of the city they’d go to their vacation home upstate, or their private island, or even to visit their family in Paris. At that point in life, Ches was happy. She had a solid group of friends, she had the best friend she could ever imagine having in the form of her twin brother, she had a loving and warm family, and she had a parent who would tell her no. 

When she thinks back to her life before the incident, it feels like a completely different story. A fairytale even, perfect and happy in every way compared to her life now. However, it wouldn’t last, after all, fairy tales didn’t exist and reality was a much crueler mistress. One could say Lin-Manuel Miranda described it best; “life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it takes.”

Everything changed on her eighth birthday when her mother took her out shopping to get a present for twin brother Jonah at Palisades Mall. A man came up with a gun while they were in the parking lot and asked for all of their money. Julia Elswood compiled but she made one mistake, the simple utterance of “Cours, Ches” as she gave the man her purse.

Ches might have gotten out of the event alive, but not she was not unscathed. Julia Elswood was pronounced dead when medical finally arrived on the scene, her blood coating her daughter’s hands and clothing from Ches’s attempts to stop the bleeding. She might have survived the event without physical harm but she was never the same child she was before after that.

One day she had an intact family, the next day the Elswoods were in ruin. Her father completely shut himself out from the family, only coming out for birthdays and holidays. Her oldest brother stepped up as their parental figure, first starting out with homeschooling before he eventually dropped out to ensure his siblings was getting as much of his time as they possibly could. He tried his hardest to make the loss of their mother easier on the younger girls especially, given how young they were at the time. She helped him with the girls as much as she could (and over time she slowly started filling the role as their second parent). Because of how busy the younger Elswood children kept him, sometimes Logan didn’t have the time to comfort Ches when she woke up in the middle of the night, haunted by their mother.

That was when Emmett stepped in. It wasn’t uncommon for him to sleep on her floor so he’d be there when she woke up terrified out of her mind, and he was there when she just eventually stopped sleeping like people tended to. Over time she realized that Jonah and her weren’t truly two peas in a pod the way they used to be, that Emmett was the only Elswood who truly got her. He wasn’t perfectly normal either, his thoughts and feelings were flawed like hers. 

In a family that made her feel so broken at times, Emmett was a saving grace - a reminder she wasn’t alone.

He wasn’t the only reminder however, another one entered her life in the form of Asher Churchill when she was 11. He was on vacation in Paris while she was visiting her family when their paths crossed, they were fast friends and there was a point where she wished he would stay longer, a wish she felt guilty for after his family went through their own trauma. The experience only solidified her friendship with him, however - she likes to think that no matter what happens, she’ll always have Asher. He’s her ride or die, one of the few people who’s willing to put up with her all of her shit and want to keep her in their life. They even tried dating at one point, although that was fairly short-lived. She simply doesn’t love him like that.

It didn’t take her long to find someone she did love like that, however. Ches had thought she was fucked up before she met James, that she was at the worst point she ever could be. He showed her how mistaken she had been, even now she doesn’t like thinking about everything he had done to her. She doesn’t discuss everything he had put her through nor does she have any intentions on truly discussing the worst of the abuse she endured while dating him. Her past with James does have an effect on her, it made her terrified of truly falling in love with somebody again. 

James is also a massive reason why she doesn't get along with her brother Jamie, the two Elswood siblings never recovered from Jamie sleeping with Ches’s boyfriend. It causes a good deal of tension in the Elswood home but Ches can’t just forgive him, her brother never even apologized for his actions, she wasn’t going to pretend he didn’t hurt her because her father wanted them to get along for his own sake. They were on the rocks before this and afterward the tension just got a whole lot worse.

Perhaps the increasing tension was a factor in Ches deciding she wanted to attend Carnifex, the fact she knew Asher would be in attendance was another factor. (Although she plays dumb to the fact she actually knows he’s a Churchill, if he wanted to lie to everyone, she was going to play along - no matter how adorable she thinks the fact he actually believes she doesn’t know is.) It’s certainly a factor in why she stays, she gets very homesick at times - even after attending boarding school for her entire high school career. She misses her younger sisters, she missed Emmett and Camellia, and she misses her friends in the city. She also dislikes just how restricted she truly is when it comes to Instagram and trying to grow her influence while she attends Carnifex. Networking had to wait until she was home and sometimes she questions why she decided boarding school was a good idea.

And then Ches looks at her friends, at the education she’s receiving, and all the fond memories she’s developing. Carnifex, and now Luxor, was well worth the fear of missing out she feels. She’s happy in Lake George, and she has no intention of leaving the area before she graduates.

Please note, Asher is mentioned a lot. He belonged to an ex-member who is no longer here. I may write him out later but for now, keep that in mind.

TLDR / quick important notes recap for rereads:

Ches’s mother was murdered on her 8th birthday in front of her

She was raised by her oldest brother, Logan, and is NOT close to her father really. She also helped raise her younger sisters and is very protective of them.

The Elswood she is closest to is Emmett, Jonah and her grew apart after her mother’s death.

Ches’s first real love was James, they dated (entire)Freshman-(mid)Sophomore years, it was abusive (much more than Ches will ever discuss unless she gets majorly close to someone and they HAVE to know (cough still hasn’t happened though cough)) and Ches is now terrified of falling in love again. Her messy as fuck relationships & exes all start after this point.

[ashencreature]

Important Update for partners across the board

This is long, and I’m sorry, but I just wanted everyone to know what’s going on. Honestly, I’m not expecting anyone to actually waste time reading through all this, but it’s just so I can try to ease my own anxiety in case the worst case scenario does come and I left some sort of explanation.

Ok, so, some of you know there’s been a lot going on for me at home in the last 3 or 4 years. But everything’s kind of getting worse by day and at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. 

When I was 14, I moved in with my dad. We moved quite a few times in the first few years I was with him. Hell, that first year alone, I was in 3 different schools. All for Freshman year. And the last house we were in that year, we stayed in for maybe 2? 

But when I was 16, the factory my dad worked at closed and he lost his job. That’s kind of where all this starts. Instead of getting a new job, he decided he wanted to spend all day drinking with his new friends and occasionally doing odd jobs for them or things with them. We had to move out of that house, take my dog to the shelter, and move into a trailer. It was only supposed to be for a year. But nearly 14 years later, and we’re still here. 

Now the landlord here is a real prick. More like a slumlord if you ask me. He jacks the rent up for the dumbest reasons and acts like he’s god’s gift to humanity or some shit. He told us himself, and had the park manager tell us, that we couldn’t fix our roof to stop the leaking because the walls would collapse of we tried to move it. So literally the entire 14 years we’ve been here, the roof has been leaking. My dad tried everything he could think of, short of tearing it out and redoing it, to fix it. Nothing worked. 

And in that time, the entire back half of the house got destroyed by mold. My bedroom, being the very last room, was the first to go. I think I slept in it for a year? And ever since, I’ve had to sleep in the living room because the walls had to be torn out due to the mold. It’s right down to the studs and the scant insulation. It’s been like that for over 10 years. Well, now the mold is spreading and getting worse. The bathroom is destroyed pretty much. The back hallway is the same. The floor’s rotting away, and the toilet is falling through the floor; again. 

Now, I think my dad went to the garage he was at for the first time when I was maybe 18? I don’t remember exactly. I do remember being in junior year and my friends either having to buy me lunch, share theirs with me, or pray that we actually were cooking in cooking class; which happened a lot less than you’d think. Other than that, I didn’t eat. Senior year was a little better because I at least would get money dropped off to eat. Not that the cafeteria had a lot of choices for me to pick from. I pretty much ate nothing but gross excuse for pizza and occasionally pretzels, fries, or Belgian waffles. 

Anyway, so senior year rolls around and we’re all prepping for college. At the time, I wanted to go to AMDA for musical theater, and managed to get an audition there for that March. I had to force my dad to go to the meeting about FAFSA and to fill out the paperwork. Which he said he did, but I don’t believe it because he says they denied me. And I’ve never heard of FAFSA being denied. Not that it mattered anyway, because I bombed the audition and didn’t get in. So graduation rolls around and all my friends go off to college. I haven’t seen or spoken to most of them since. They never stop to visit when they come home and they never try to reach out on Facebook. Eventually, I got sick of being the one to initiate and maintain all conversations, so I just gave up. 

The 2 friends I still had at that time helped me to get jobs when I was 20/21 and living with them, in 2011/2012. This was because 2 of us and their mom were in a car accident on the way to my friend’s college at the time. We all nearly died. My friend had a concussion, their mom needed surgery, and I nearly got impaled by a fake Christmas tree. I ended up going to the hospital a lot later than they did with a copy of the report in the doctor’s hand and got told I wasn’t in an accident I had the flu, go home. Anyway, so after my friend’s mom’s surgery, I moved in to help around the house and look after my friend’s youngest sister. These jobs weren’t the best; Wendy’s and the deli department of one of the local grocery stores. But it was money. 

For all the good it did. Because by that time, my dad had quit working at the garage. So here I was, paying for rent, bills, gas, food, and child support for my brother. All on $200 a week. My anxiety was driving me insane. And I came to find out that my dad was going in and threatening one of the store managers, which was probably why the guy was such a scumbag to me. But I digress. So I was in the store for a month shy of 2 years. I started at maybe $7.45 or $7.50. an hour when I started. It was slightly over the minimum wage at the time. By the time I left, 2 years later mind you, I wasn’t even making $8, and I was working full time hours while only being part time. Everything that went wrong got blamed on me, even when it was my day off and I wasn’t anywhere near the store. I liked most of the people that I worked with, even if I hated the job, and the assistant department manager became a really good friend. She was 2 years older than me, and we hung out a lot. I’d spend the night at her house, I was at her wedding, I’ve been to her daughter’s birthday parties and so on. 

At one point, I was supposed to get training to be an assistant specialty cheese shop lead. They sent me to one class, told me about another, but never gave me any more details about it, even when I asked. Then they said they were going to train me over there, but never did. That was just the first of a long list of grievances. The culmination of which was on a Sunday night, our busiest day of the week. There was just me and 1 other guy in the department. Then 1 lady in the hot food section, 1 lady in the beer store, and no one in the bakery. But they expected me to take care of all 4 departments and still wait on the 20+ people that were at the counter the whole night. And I had an order to make and put away for the assistant department manager. Needless to said, I had a panic attack. I told my partner, and both of the other people nearby. They told the assistant store manager, and he didn’t care. They made me work for 3 and a half hours, through a panic attack, without a break. I couldn’t breathe and was on the verge of fainting. I finally had enough and told one of the ladies that I didn’t care what the store manager said, I was going to get my inhaler in the break room and get a drink at the water fountain, or I was going to faint. 

A few days later, I got called to the main office to speak to the store manager, who I usually didn’t have a problem with. And unfortunately, since my anger receptors are evidently attached to my tear ducts, I broke down in tears when I wanted to be furious. He basically told me that I was going to the bakery or I was getting fired. So the next day, I quit. There was a lot of other stuff too but that doesn’t really matter. Including being so sick that I couldn’t eat for over a week, fainting in the back room because they wouldn’t let me take a day off, and not being able to talk for over a month. The assistant department manager almost called the ambulance when I fainted, but you know, I’m clearly the problem here. 

So there we were, I didn’t have a job. My dad didn’t have a job. I was 23, and feeling just as helpless as I did at 16. I spent a year filling out job applications for a bunch of different things from craft stores to fast food to jewelry stores, but never heard back from any of them. The only interview I got was for Chipotle. But they wouldn’t even hire me. Naturally, cue the anxiety and depression getting worse. And around this time, our electric got shut off. This was in May I believe because it was just before my birthday. 

At that time I started thinking about going back to school. So I looked at schools and degrees you could do all online, because I knew I could never afford to go on campus. And, as most of you know, I started at CTU in July of that year. Now the program I did was an accelerated one, which meant I could finish gen ed classes faster, be done faster, and lower my tuition. I did as many as I could, but only my admission adviser was any help. My actual student adviser was never around, never responded to my emails, never called me back. But whatever. 

So for 3 years I spent pretty much all day, every god damn day doing schoolwork. I’d be at my local Dunkin from 3 in the afternoon until they closed at 11. Sometimes I’d be working even later next door because I still had stuff to do. The first year and a half I was fine. It didn’t bother mine, just like working didn’t bother me at first. But then, a year and a half after I started, I got sick. I couldn’t eat anything without my stomach cramping up and getting the worst migraines. It got so bad that one day at Dunkin, I felt like I was going to puke, and got up to go to the bathroom and almost fainted. Personally, I think it’s a combination of anxiety, depression, Celiac/gluten intolerance, anemia, and asthma. But I don’t know for sure because I haven’t had a doctor since I was going to the pediatrician. And even if I did, can’t afford it. 

So I’ve just been getting sicker and sicker. I was 125 pounds in January of this year. 11 months later, and I’m down to 108.5 the last time I checked. I think the lowest I hit was 107, and that was all 6 months after the weight loss started. There’s times it’ll go back up, but I can’t get past 110 or 111 tops. Neighbors who used to live down the road came to visit earlier this week, and all the lady could say was how skinny I got. I’m like yeah, malnourishment’ll do that to you. 

And to make things worse, my dad at some point went back to the garage and was working again, so things were slightly better. I say slightly in the loosest way possible. But, just after Christmas last year, my dad quit again. I’ve seen him apply to 1 job and go to 1 interview in the year since. Other than that, he’s been collecting scrap and doing shit for people who refuse to pay, including the landlord. In the last 7 or 8 months, despite how many times I’ve told him that my refund checks from the school aren’t free money I can spend however I want, my dad’s made me spend it. The $5,000 I had that was supposed to set me ahead for my student loans are gone. And I’m $5,000 deeper in the hole than I should be. Which means instead of being like $45 or 50 grand in debt I’m about $55 grand. 

Then, because we haven’t had electricity in almost 4 years, and with the mold problem, everything in the house is ruined. We had only cold water, and I took cold showers for as long as I could. But last winter, the shower pipes froze and burst. So even if I wanted to, I can’t do that. Plus, because we can’t use the washer and dryer, or hook up a generator thanks to the scumbag landlord, or afford a laundromat, our clothes have gone unwashed for over a year. Most of mine were sitting in the tub, which got filled with mold and bugs. I have practically no clothes left, with no way to wash them, and no way to shower unless I go to someone else’s house. And even when I do, I still don’t feel clean. Even after washing my hair 4 times or more. 

We were supposed to move into the place next door and tear this one down. But the landlord and my dad made a deal that he’d give it to us for the cost of the title transfer. Then suddenly, he wanted $600, then like $800 or $1,000. But he won’t stop asking about it, no matter how many times we tell him no. Him and his wife keep trying to say we’re $5,000 behind on rent which isn’t possible because with what rent is now, you can’t even get $5,000 as a total for a whole year, and this last year is the only time we fell behind because everything else was caught up. He gave us a bill full or errors. Payments that were made aren’t marked. Payments that weren’t made are. There’s random charges after the monthly rent cycle. Which I think are from when he was bitching about us paying the taxes for a place we didn’t even own and was still in his name. He told us we can’t run the generator for power because it was too loud. Though the noise ordinance here is 11, and it was always off by then. And when one of the neighbors asked how we were supposed to live, he told them it “Wasn’t his problem”. 

So when I started getting really sick, and unable to leave the house to go to Dunkin for school because I was too gross, the neighbors next door let us run an extension cord over to their place. Not a lot. Just enough for the light in the living room, the fan, a mini fridge, and to plug in my phone and computer. OH WANNA HEAR A GOOD ONE. THE LANDLORD TOLD MY DAD 3 SEPARATE TIMES IF I NEED TO PLUG IN MY COMPUTER TO GET A LANTERN. YES THE OLD FASHIONED OIL OR CANDLE TYPE LANTERN. WHICH YOU CAN TOTALLY PLUG AN ELECTRONIC COMPUTER INTO. So because of that, I was able to finish school and graduate in June. 

But, because I still can’t bathe or do laundry and have no clothes, I still can’t go to interviews. If I walked in with my arms, face, neck, and legs literally black from dirt, and reeking to high heaven, I’d fucking get laughed out of the place. My dad still refuses to get a real job and insists on hauling scrap or doing shit for people who won’t pay at all, or want to pay less than it’s worth. And guess what’s due this week? You got it, my first loan payment. 

I can’t figure out how much I have to pay, work on getting it lowered or delayed, or even access my account info because there’s an issue with my birthday apparently, and they can’t find it even though they have my name and social and keep emailing me. I’ve been telling him this for months, and he still won’t come with me to try and sort it out. Because what he needs has to taken care of then and there and everything else can fuck all. He blew up at me the other day about it, blaming me for going, leaving him with payments, for my mother walking out 20 years ago even though they hated each other, and pretty much for being born. Because he resents having to take care of kids he made the choice to have. Not like I asked to be born, and I’ve been wishing I was dead since I was 9, but whatever. 

Anyway. 

So, the neighbor’s dad was diagnosed with lung cancer over the summer. Like 2 weeks later, he was dead. And she’s struggling just as much. We’ve been trying to help her and she’s been trying to help us. But her ex was paying her rent and some of the other bills until she found a job because they have a young son. But he started refusing to do that, which I honestly wouldn’t be surprised it if was the landlord’s doing cause they were talking. And he was telling her to “pull the plug” on us. And his wife started harassing her about rent like 2 weeks after her father died. Then, she went to Domestic relations earlier this week and then like the day after she goes, her ex somehow gets an emergency custody on the little guy. They came for him yesterday. 

She’s most likely going to have to move, which means that we’ll be losing power and internet unless we can figure something out to get our power back on. But even then, the bill’s supposedly at least $1300, and that won’t fix the internet problem. 

So... Needless to say, if I disappear suddenly in the near future, that’s why. I don’t want to go. I’ve spent too much time here, made too many friends, and put too much work into my muses. But everything is going to shit all at once. It’s just been building and building for the last 3 years, especially the last year, but my dad refuses to see and do anything about it. Instead, he’d rather blame everything on me and expect me to fix it. As if my mental health wasn’t bad enough from childhood abuse and being sick and stressed all the time. Now I’m too fucking scared to leave the house. I haven’t been outside since the midterms when I went to vote. But I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen now. And I just wanted everyone to know that I love them. And even if I do disappear, I still plan on keeping my muses and coming back when I can. Granted Tumblr doesn’t die before then. In which case the only blog i’m worried about losing is Elizabeth’s because of all the worldbuilding, metas, and headcanons I’ve done.

[unknowngirl199424-blog]

Pt. 3

Now being the pretty innocent girl i was. I smoked weed very occasionally. Drank every now and then. But that was it really. I smoked cigs. Stupid choice i made at an even more stupid young age. I was 13 when i tried it. 15 when i started smoking every day. (My parents knew, they didn't care) my younger sister had been smoking for years. She partied a lot. Drank a lot. Smoked a lot. Took a lot of pills. Would steal my moms pain pills that she needed from the back surgeries. Mom would run out at the end of the month and would bawl... Literally wail in pain. And it never stopped my sister. I caught her several times. Id get pissed. Ask her wtf she was doing, or why... But she never stopped. I never told... I was drowning in depression. It started when i was 13. After my grandma passed. I changed... She was my world.

My parents partied ALOT!

Used LOTS of drugs...

Ranging from just weed, to coke, to meth...

The first half of my life... From birth till... 14? I think was when they quit all the hard shit for good. They were just... Mom and dad. I mean i loved them, i respected them, but... I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was normal for me to walk in and see light bulbs just randomly on the coffee table.

It was normal for me to wake my sis up in the morning, helping her get dressed, teeth brushed, food in her belly and out the door waiting on the bus. Every day. We lived in the country about 20 miles from town where our friends were. So all we had was each other. In the summer as soon as the sun started to show, 7:00ish. My parents would rush into our room. One would wake up me while the other would wake my sister. Rush us up and to get dressed and outside. We'd be outside alllllllllll day long in the summer in Oklahoma heat. They'd have friends over and lock the doors. We played. Sometimes the friends would bring their kids and we'd run around and play all day. I was a tom boy. I had scarred bloody knees almost daily from wrecking my bike. Would just walk around the property we lived on. Played with our dogs. Pissed off snakes that liked to live in the barn or chicken coop. I ran a lot. BUT IT WAS NORMAL TO ME. They started to quit when i was 12. Then grandma passed. They started again. Didn't stop for good until mom was hurt and dad was fired for pissing dirty for weed, coke, and meth. He was rehired 6 months later. But shit was rough at the time. So after losing my grandma. I went into myself. She loved me, took care of me. Gave me what i wanted and needed. I basically broke. I was never really an over joyous kid. I was raped and molested by my cousin. And so i always carried pain. But grandma was who made me happy. She passed. And from that point in my life from 13 to 18. I cut a lot. I was emotionless most days. But some days I'd break and cry for hours. For the longest time i thought i was depressed because of grandma. But i realized... Depression is a disease. And once you get a good dose of it, it stays. It twists and folds and wiggles its way into every fibre of your being and clings. And bad things that go on add to it and over time, you are eye level deep terrified you're gonna go under soon and no one will notice. Well over the years shit was added. Once I realised i could.... Not feel the pain and sadness... I latched on. Over time the occasional smoking weed went to every day several times a day. Drinking came up for awhile but i hated feeling like shit the next day so i quit. My ex gave me a pain pill one day.

I realised that not only could i get away from the pain and depression, i could feel fucking amazing while doing so. So it started out ya know. Once a week. Just one. To 2 a week to 4 a week to at least 1 every day. When we went up north. Pills were every where. Drugs in general. And i wanted to experience things. We had fun. Went lots of places. Did lots of things. Parties, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, museums, art museums, craft fairs, art stores, book stores, malls, movie theaters.. Just... it was great. I met her friends. They were like her. We partied a lot. I was soley living in the moment for once instead of striving to please everyone else. It was a stupid choice. But it was my choice. Over the years. The fun with it stopped... it became a nessecity. She got shitty and mean sober and i was just as miserable. I wanted happiness not that. Her dad would give us pain pills every day and muscle relaxers. If we did literally anything for him he'd pay us in pills. My ex was also prescribed pain pills too! We'd go through them so quick and then he'd give them to us so we didn't go through withdrawal. By year 3 (2015) I'm 21. I'm working a few months here a few months there. Living the same daily cycle. My day didn't start until pills were thrown down my throat. The habit got bad. I was to a point i was taking fucking handfulls of pills. Daily. And didn't feel ok until then. The few days i didn't have them, i literally slept all day and all night. I was burying my issues with a dark coping mechanism.

I started falling out of love. I left her once last year and we got back together the next day. I told her she couldn't keep stopping me from leaving because it was making me hate her. She wouldnt let go. We stayed together for 4 months. I broke up with her and moved back to oklahoma the beginning of this year. But she was my comfort. Pills were my comfort. After being here for 4 months i let her come back. It was bad. I got back into pills again and one day i told her i didn't want to be with her anyone. She was here for a month at that point. But she wasn't trying to work. She wouldn't do anything. But look for pills. I told her i was done. She gave me some pills. I didn't know what they were but she told me they were for anxiety. And i was really upset. So i took them. We kept arguing. She kept giving me more. My parents stopped by to drop something off, i guess i was wayyyyy out of it. They leave. The fight blows up. I tell her i want her gone. She kept refusing. Idk what happened. It was like a light switch went off. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and sliced my wrist up for the first time ever... I only cut my stomach and thighs as a teen. She came around the corner and saw what i was doing and broke a glass vase i had. She ran over and grabbed the blade. Started yanking it from me. I guess we fought over it pretty hard cuz all i remember was it flying across the room and when i got back 6 days later it was soooo bent up.

She kept going and going and i grabbed a piece of glass and cut, she got it away and i just collapsed to the floor. She tried hugging me. I screamed at her for being toxic for me. To not touch me. To just call my mom. My mom shows up. Its like 11:30 at night at this point and she freaks out. My ex starts shit with her. They argue. I scream at them that they needed to stop and mom took me to the er. I guess by that point i was in and out of consciousness. One thing i do remember was seeing an old teacher that i had from yearrrrs ago when i went to a vocational school to become a certified nurse aid. I really looked up to her at 17. Admired her. She was a Dr there in the er. It was humialting. I cried. I guess i pissed in a cup for em or something. I don't remember. But they told my mom (which i didn't find out till almost a week later) that i was overdosing. That all of what i took hadn't caught up and that's why i was talking really crazy and blacking out. I don't remember. But the next morning i wake up. There was a cop sitting next to my bed. 20 mins later im being handcuffed and put in a cruiser and drove over a hr to a phych place. Guess the dr asked me the night before what would happen if i went home and i said i didn't know. So they legally put me there for 5 days so i couldn't be any harm to myself.

5 good things about being put there.

1. I had no access to pills, alcohol, even cigarettes. So i was very very clear headed. The first time in almost 6 years. Had time to think about where tf my life has landed me.

2. I realized how fucking truly bad our relationship was. And came to the conclusion that if we stayed together. One, if not both of us was gonna end up in a casket. Whether it be from pills or not. It was gonna happen.

3. I realized that i deserved wayyyy better. Relationship wise. Life wise. I deserved someone who could push me in the healthy direction. Make positive choices. I felt like instead of maturing, i was still trapped in an 18 yr olds mentality.

4. I ended it. And that time i meant it. There's nothing she could offer me. That would make me go back. Not a million dollars, not a billion, not even all the stars in the sky. I have nothing for her.

5. I met someone who treats me amazing now. Who pushes me. Keeps me away from the shit. I've been pain pill free for 5 months and its staying that way.

And for once... I'm starting to actually feel happy. Genuinely. I was prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety, and a sleep disorder med. I stopped taking the anti depressants because they made it worse. But im to the point where the good days finally out weigh the bad. And when the bad come, i roll with it.

For the new year. I have a few goals.

1. Continue all the hard work ive put into myself. Keep eating healthy. Keep exercising. Keep pushing myself forward. No more settling for less what what i truly want.

2. Stay tf away from pain pills. 👍 keep fighting that demon in me who whispers how good I would feel or how one wouldn't hurt...

3. Quit smoking cigs. They're killing me. My lungs hurt all the time.

4. Continue bettering my life. I got away from her for 4 months and i had my own home, vehicle, and a high paying easy job. Brought her back for a month, had a suicidal moment. But she's gone and im in a great relationship. And I'm fucking HAPPY!

5. Quit being so fucking hard on myself. I hate the way i look, i hate my body. But they can be changed. Stress over things that need it but relax more. I'm 24. I still have time.

I STILL HAVE FUCKIN TIME

[everlarkficexchange]

Prim's Plan - Part 2

Written by: @mega-aulover

Prompt 107: Everlark fic based off of the song “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran. [submitted by Anonymous]

Rated: T for everlark Smooching ;)   Part 1

A/N: Thank you for submitting this prompt I hope you enjoy it. Thank you @everlarkficexchange for the opportunity to exchange ideas and grow our fandom. Aslo to @norbertsmom for your extraordinary beta skills I need to get you some flowers.

Katniss plopped on her bed in pure shock.

Three dates.

Her sweet stubborn sister wouldn’t take the application letters Peeta wrote until they agreed to go on three dates.

She stared up at the ceiling willing for an apocalyptic catastrophe to suddenly happen. The odds were not in her favor.

She couldn’t believe she’d agreed to go out with Peeta. Peeta Mellark, who she drunkenly confessed her feelings for to Gale. It was the reason they weren’t speaking.

“Damn you, Ed Sheeran!”

Four years ago, Peeta was waiting for her in his car. It was one of those frigid winter days. He had just bought his used car. He was the first one to get a car at sixteen. They had just gone through the drive-through when the song came on.

Katniss still wasn’t sure how it happened. Maybe it was the food, or the twinkling Christmas lights, or the fact that they got stuck in his clunker overnight and she slept nestled on top of Peeta until the tow truck came.

But that song, Thinking Out Loud, came on and Katniss recalled looking at him and really seeing Peeta for the first time, not the eleven-year-old boy she played tag with as a way to comfort her after her father died, or the 14-year-old boy who had to have his leg amputated, because a drunk driver mowed him down on his bicycle. She saw Peeta and her heart wobbled and danced in her chest as she listened to the song.

It wasn’t the first line about his legs not working that did it for her. It was the line about finding love right where they were. Katniss found her love sitting right next to her. He’d always been there, and she was irrevocably in love with him.

Her only problem, it was one-sided.

Peeta only saw her as a friend.

At the time she’d kept her mouth shut because he’d been dating that witch Clove who dumped him a week before Prom night for Thresh.

She’d tried to tell him, many, many times, but she didn’t have the courage. All of Peeta’s girlfriends were superior to her. Katniss didn’t have the boobs Johanna had. She wasn’t an older woman like Clove, and she didn’t look like Glimmer who was currently in Hollywood making movies.

She wasn’t that pretty or impressive.

Silently, Katniss carried her love for him in secret until last may when she turned 21.

“You’re not getting out of this Katniss,” Prim said from the door.

Katniss raised her head and narrowed her eyes at her baby sister. She’d forgotten to close her door.

“Prim, it’s Peeta? What if this doesn’t work? I don’t want to lose him.”

Primrose smiled sweetly like one of those baby angels with wings. “Don’t worry, sis. You’d never lose Peeta?”

“Glad you have more faith than I do.”

“Stop it, I will not have you back out of going on these dates. You’ve never been a quitter besides, do you really want me to have a bonfire with those letters Peeta wrote?”

Katniss grimaced her eyes, “No.”

“Now that we are clear, get some shuteye you need your beauty rest for tomorrow.”

“Whats tomorrow?” Katniss swallowed.

“Your first date is for tomorrow night,” Prim smirked. “Before you ask, it’s easy, a movie. I called in a favor and got tickets. Peeta will get them tomorrow afternoon. He’s coming tomorrow precisely at 6:45 pm.”

Prim closed her door and Katniss groaned, letting her head drop to the mattress and silently hoped for lightning to strike her.

The lightning never came, and the next night Katniss learned how much of a dictator her sister Primrose was. Prim nixed all of her comfy, cargo pants, pajama looking pants, sweats, and loose jeans she purchased at the thrift store to hunt in. Besides, her hunting pants had stains Prim didn’t want to even try to identify.

Her sister attacked her collection of misshapen sweaters, and shirts as well. She had a few that had special meaning for her. The baseball t-shirt had Peeta’s number on it from when he played. The state fair shirt he purchased for her two years ago. Almost all of her t-shirts had a history. The only ones she could do without were her waitressing shirts.

Primrose forced her to wear a pair of tight, uncomfortable skinny jeans, a form-fitting orange sweater, and uncomfortable flat shoes with floppy bows. Katniss wondered why designers would put such childish decorations on adult shoes. Her sister was so determined, she lent her a coat as well. Katniss doubted the wool coat would be warm enough. Her big puffy coat kept her nice and toasty. Prim was firm, no sneakers, and under no circumstances would she wear her hunting boots.

“Okay,” Prim said, circling her.

“Good, you look decent. Do you have a handbag?”

“A what?”

“A purse, Katniss.”

“Prim, I have dad’s old game bag and my old knapsack from school.”

“Katniss, you need a purse,” Prim said, running out of the room.

Katniss shook her head and turned to finish putting her rejected clothing neatly back in her dresser. When she came home she didn’t want to have to clean up. By the time Prim came back, Katniss had made sure her room was spotless.

“Here.” Prim thrust a soft leather bag toward Katniss.

“Why do I need one again? Aren’t pockets-,” Her argument died on her lips. The darned pants pockets were narrow.

Prim began putting the things she would need to carry inside of the bag. “You need a place to put your phone, your ID, antibacterial gel, debit card, cash, maxi pad, and a condom.”

“Condom,” Katniss said horrified.

“A lady always needs to be prepared,” Prim said holding out the bag.

“Who, what, where, when and how the hell did you get condoms? Are you using condoms?” Katniss stood hands akimbo in total shock to think that her sister was having sex. “Why are you using condoms?”

Prim rolled her eyes. “Katniss, I’m not a virgin and I need to protect myself. I don’t want to have kids.”

“Does mom know?”

“Yeah, she took me to get my birth control pills as well when I was 15, not that I was sexually active at that age.”

“Mom never did any of that with me,” Katniss said, sitting down on her bed.

“That’s because you’re pure, Katniss.”

“I am not pure.” Katniss blushed as she said the word.

“Oh yeah…” Primrose raised an eyebrow, “…then why do you say condoms like we’re talking about a deadly disease.”

Katniss couldn’t disagree. She did sound like she was a character in the 80’s cult classic movie, St. Elmo’s Fire.

“Okay, enough with the mourning of my no longer existing virginity.” As Prim spoke the doorbell rang.

“It’s him,” Katniss whispered. She wanted to run and hide.

Prim pushed her out of her room. Katniss thought of a thousand different things she would rather be doing, but when Prim opened the front door all of them went out of the windows.

She’d never seen Peeta dressed for a date before. He looked handsome in a button-down shirt, jacket, and dark denim jeans. His blond waves were combed back. She thought he looked like one of those male models in those Ralph Lauren advertisements.

“Here, these are for you.” Peeta held out yellow gerbera daisies. Katniss couldn’t help but grin. “You look pretty.”

“Thank you.” Her voice sounded soft and gushy, as she recalled she was wearing his favorite color.

“You ready to go?”

Katniss nodded. Together they walked out into the frigid air and Katniss wanted to kill Prim for making her wear the flimsy excuse for a coat. Thankfully Peeta’s car was warm. When he turned it on, Ed Sheeran’s song, Thinking out Loud, began to play on his radio.

Katniss’s heart thundered in her chest as the notes filled the interior of his car. Katniss glanced at Peeta as he hummed the song. She wished Peeta would take her into his loving arms, and kiss her. She wished she could wake up every morning listening to the beat of his heart.

She wanted to remember his smile. She wanted to touch his hand, have him fall in love with her. She wished so hard for him to fall for her the way she had fallen for him. The sentiments were too much for Katniss. She turned her head away to watch the twinkling lights of the small stores as they drove to the only movie theater in town.

It was ironic. They had come to the movies all of their lives and this was the first time they were going on an official date. Peeta parked the car, and together they walked toward the booth.

“Come on. Primrose got us tickets to see La Boda de Valentina,” Peeta said with his high school Spanish. Peeta was great at languages. He could pick them up easily. Katniss was lucky she knew how to speak English properly.

It’s why she avoided foreign flicks. Primrose knew this, knew how much Katniss loathed subtitles. Prim couldn’t have picked something great like Tomb Raider or Black Panther. Nope, her sister decided to choose the worst kind of torture.

Much to Katniss relief, the movie was half in Spanish, half in English, but she got frustrated with all of the subtitles she had to follow when the movie jumped from New York to Mexico.

It dawned on her as she watched the movie that the main character Valentina had to choose between two guys, and they represented her needs and wants and the expectations of her family. It was reminiscent of her own life.

For a long time people always just assumed she would end up with Gale. They had a lot of things in common, especially their fiery personalities. Gale had a worse temper than she did. Truth be told, she always saw Gale like an older brother. Hell, she and Gale even looked alike. That’s why she could never see herself with him, no matter what their mothers thought. She glanced at Peeta, who was totally engrossed in the film.

By the end of the film, Katniss understood it, but she didn’t like the movie. They were walking out of the theater.

“So, are you hungry?” Katniss glanced at Peeta. He was quiet.

“Yeah, but I have to take you someplace nice. Prim said no Sae’s.”

Katniss chuckled. “The little tyrant is going to pay for this one day.”

Peeta laughed. “I have an idea, if you’re up for an adventure.”

“Sure.” Katniss grinned.

They got in the car and drove to the bakery. He raised an eyebrow at her. “I won’t tell if you won’t?”

Peeta wasn’t a rebel, but when he put his mind to it he could be devious and at this moment she loved him for it. “If there are a pair of your comfy, fluffy socks on the other end, I’m in.”

They snuck into the back of the bakery. Peeta ordered a pizza and snuck upstairs for a pair of his socks. He sat her on the counter and much to her chagrin, he insisted on slipping them on her feet.

Her mouth went dry as he stood up. He braced his hands on the counter on either side of her and looked like he was going to step away. Katniss desperately wanted to keep him close. She said the first thing that popped into her head. “What did you think of the movie?”

He shrugged. “It was good.”

She was very curious as to his take on the movie. “But?”

“The ending was expected. She was going to pick the guy that was most familiar to her, the guy who reminded her of her home. The guy she had most in common with.”

Katniss found his statement interesting. “I didn’t like it.”

“Really, why? He knew her from before she moved to New York. It’s like you and Gale. You guys are meant to be together, because you both have so much in common.”

“Having a lot of stuff in common is not always a good thing.” Katniss couldn’t believe what she was hearing. It was revolting to think she and Gale could be a thing. “It can be disastrous.” Katniss watched him. She was looking to see if he had any feelings for her other than friendship.

“But in order for a relationship to work, you need to have things in common.”

“Shared experiences, are one thing Peeta, but being too alike can almost be like dating a sibling or a first cousin. Both are gross.”

He looked down, took her hand in his, his voice shy. “Is that why you and Gale broke up?”

“Gale and I,” Katniss was disgusted by thinking of Gale and herself in a romantic relationship, “never dated.”

“But you guys were inseparable in high school. Besides, Johanna said she saw you both at the Slag Heap motel one time.” He looked up, searching her eyes. “I mean you guys hunted and used to hang out all of the time?”

Katniss wanted to hurt Johanna and her big mouth. Why Peeta dated her, Katniss never understood. “Ugh no, Peeta. Gale and I were working there, cleaning rooms before I had to go to school. Besides, we are neighbors, Peeta, and yes, when our fathers died in that mining accident, we bonded over it. We did what was necessary to provide for our families.” Katniss twined her fingers with his. “Bottom line, he’s not you, and I think he’s a little jealous of what we have.”

“Really?” Peeta smiled.

Katniss nodded. Her hands moved up his forearms. “You’re why we fought.”

“I was?” Peeta got closer.

Katniss nodded.

“You haven’t spoken to him since Christmas Eve. I noticed he gave me a death glare.”

His face was so close to hers. “Gale and I fought. I told him I…I-” She didn’t get to finish her sentence because Peeta kissed her. She panicked momentarily because this was her first kiss.

Peeta pulled away. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help myself,” he whispered. His hot breath fanned her lips.

Katniss grabbed his shirt and pulled him into another kiss. This time her body tingled. She wanted more, and pressed herself to him, causing their faces to angle and the kiss to deepen. His hands gripped her knees right before they ghosted up her legs and around to her back, pressing her closer to him. A small groan escaped her lips.

His warm lips were soft, and better than anything she ever imagined. He tasted sweet and minty. She felt cherished in his arms. Katniss was glad she waited to have her first kiss. It was even better than the cheese-buns he made her.

Neither one heard the insistent knocking at the door. They blushed when they realized their food was there. Katniss wanted to melt into him.

“Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back,” Peeta said.

Katniss grinned, and her smile didn’t go away all night. As they ate, Katniss was glad there wasn’t any awkwardness between them. They were themselves. They laughed, joked around, and talked about silly things and serious things.

“You didn’t?” Peeta asked incredulously as he laughed.

Katniss was so relaxed and she couldn’t believe she confessed to stealing Haymitch’s prized knife.“Yeah, well you were away at camp and I was super bored.”

“In my defense, if I would have stayed here, I would have been a felon.”

Katniss swiped at his arm.

It was a perfect evening. As they left the bakery, he took her by the hand and pulled her close. They kissed once more. She felt those butterflies girls talked about in high school. She was still smiling when he took her home. She placed a chaste kiss on his lips, but it caused the butterflies to flutter in her stomach. When Peeta left, she floated to her room.

“So, how did it go?”

Katniss didn’t know how to describe how she felt or the craving she developed for Peeta’s kisses. Her face was her sisters favorite color.

“Good.” Prim nodded. “Then tomorrow night’s date is going to be a breeze. I put the dress in your closet.”

It was only after the door closed did Katniss realized Prim was making her wear her least favorite item of clothing in the middle of winter. As she went to sleep her phone went off and there was a text from Gale:

Gale: We need to talk.

Katniss gasped as below the text there was a grainy picture of her and Peeta kissing outside of the bakery.

[lifeofafangirl1234]

My Best Friend’s Brother Pt.4

I went home that morning and slept all day considering I barely slept that night. I woke up to a knock on the door from my mom.

“Honey!” 

“Come in.”

“So, how was the party last night?”

“Mom, I’m not suppose to tell anyone this but I need you right now.”

“What is it sweetheart?”

“Mom, I’m going on a date with Stiles tonight.”

“Stiles, as in Stiles Stilinski? Allison Stilinski’s brother?”

“I know. I’m a terrible person.”

“No honey, you’re not a terrible person. You’ve been in love with Stiles since you were 5 years old. I knew this would happen one day.”

“He kissed me last night.”

“Was that all that happened last night? You never came home.”

“Mom!”

“Listen honey. It’s really not fair of Allison to keep you and Stiles apart. I know she loves you both very much but she’s being selfish about this. She’s only worried about losing her best friend because of him, she’s not thinking about your feelings.”

“So it’s okay if I go out with him?”

“Follow your heart. You just have to be ready to handle the consequences.”

“I know.”

“What is your heart telling you?”

“It’s telling me that I should get ready for my date.”

I started to put on makeup and decided to only do the minimum. 

“I’m not going to do a lot of makeup. If we run into someone we know, I don’t want them to know this was preplanned.”

I finished getting ready and Stiles picked me up.

“Holy shit. You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“Have you talked to Allison today?” He asked.

“Yeah we talked about our hangovers. Nothing special.”

“I talked to Scott and he said they seeing Avengers Infinity War at 7:00 and we’re going to the 10:30 so we shouldn’t see them.”

We got to the restaurant and Stiles pulled my chair out for me.

“Did I tell you how beautiful you are?”

“Yes but I love hearing it.”

“Well you are fucking beautiful.”

“Thank you.” I blushed. 

“What will you be having tonight?” The waiter asked.

“I’ll have the steak with a coke.”

“I’ll have the chicken parm with a lemon water please.”

“Your food will be out shortly.” He said as he took away the menus. 

“So do you still like to write?” Stiles asked.

“How do you know about that? The only person I ever let read my stories was Allison, but I think she got bored so I stopped showing them to her.”

“I’m going to tell you the truth. About 2 years ago I was snooping in Allison’s room looking for a phone charger and I came upon one of your stories and I read it. It was amazing.”

“Well this is embarrassing.”

“No, you’re really an amazing writer. You are so talented.”

“Which story did you read?”

“The one about the werewolf. I still have it in my room actually.” He admitted. “When I can’t sleep at night I read it.”

“That one is probably my favorite story, I titled it “Teen Wolf”. I have so many chapters to go along with those first 5 chapters I gave to Allison.”

“There’s more!?” Stiles got so excited. “I need to read them now!”

“If this date goes well maybe I’ll give you the next 5 chapters.” 

“Well then I have to make this the greatest date of your life.” He smiled. “Anyway, how did you get into writing?”

“I’ve never actually told anyone this. My dad would write a new story every week and on every Sunday night, he would read me his new story. It was something special that we kept between ourselves, my mom didn’t even get to hear the stories.”

“You don’t have to explain anymore (Y/N), I know talking about your dad is rough. Allison spent that whole week sleeping at your house taking care of you. I remember hugging you for what seemed like hours at the funeral.”

“I remember that.” I smiled. “I felt so safe in your arms. Anyway I want to finish the story. I really do like talking about my dad, even if it makes me upset. When he died I knew that I wanted to keep the tradition going so I got a head start. Every other week I write a new story and I put them away so that one day I can read them to my kids every Sunday just like my dad did with me.”

“Your kids are going to have the best mom in the world.” He said.

“Oh hush.” I blushed. “Let’s talk about a happier subject. What about Mr. Anderson’s plastic surgery? He looks like a Ken Doll.”

“He’s crazy! I want to know how he could even afford it, he’s a high school biology teacher. He definitely does not make enough money to get that much work done on his face.”

“I think he has a sugar mommy.” I suggested. “He definitely likes his women older.”

“Here’s your dinner.” The waiter said as he placed our meals in front of us. 

“Thank you.” We both smiled.

“Dude, this looks delicious.” I moaned.

“Now I know what to cook for you next time to get you in the mood.” He winked.

We finished our dinner and headed to the theater.

“I’m going to run to the bathroom quickly.” I said. “Don’t ditch me while I’m in there.”

“I would never.”

Stiles waited outside the bathrooms and ran into someone he never wanted to see.

“Stiles!”

“Oh shit.” He whispered.

“Allison? Scott? What are you guys doing here?”

“We were suppose to come to the 7:00 show but we slept through it.” Scott explained.

“What are you doing here?” Allison asked.

“I came to see Infinity War, you know I’ve been dying to see it.” He said.

I walked out of the bathroom and they all turned and stared at me.

“(Y/N)?” Allison asked.

“Oh hey!” 

“What are you doing here!?”

I could see Stiles staring at me, wondering what I was going to say.

“My mom and I just saw Deadpool 2, you know how she loves Ryan Reynolds.”

“Where is Mama (Y/L/N)?” Allison asked. “I miss her.”

“She’s in the car, I had to pee so she went to bring the car around.”

“Well why don’t you stay and come watch the movie with us? It seems like big head over here is gonna third wheel anyway.”

“Yeah I’d love to. Let me just call my mom, save me a seat next to you!” I said.

“I’ll wait out here with you.” Allison said. “Scott save me the seat next to you. I know you like the aisle so poor (Y/N) has to sit next to Stiles.”

“Ugh.” I pretended. “I’ll plug my nose the whole time, he wears way too much cologne.”

“You love it.” Stiles smirked.

“Ew, go get the seats you loser.” I said.

The boys walked into the theater and I had to call my mom.

“Hey mom.” I said as she picked up. “I ran into Scott, Allison and Stiles so I’m going to stay for another movie.”

“What?” My mom questioned. “I thought you were out with Stiles.”

“Yeah so you can just go home, I’ll get a ride home. Okay, love you, bye.”

I hung up, probably leaving my mom so confused but I would explain it to her when I got home that night.

“So how was my house last night? Did Stiles bother you?”

“No he actually took care of me.” I remembered his fingers tracing hearts on my back. “I think he felt bad because of the whole Jackson fiasco.” 

“Yeah I respect him a little more now. I really like that he helped you. I wish he just punched Jackson instead of kissing you but whatever, I’m over it.”

“Yeah, same. Kissing him was different than kissing any guy I’ve ever kissed. It was strange.”

“It’s Stiles, of course it was strange. It was probably like kissing a frog.”

“So true.” But it was nothing like a kiss from a frog, it was like kissing a prince.

We walked into the theater and the boys were two seats apart talking about how excited they were for the movie.

“Are we interrupting your date?” I asked as we walked to the aisle they were in. “Wow, what a conservative couple, keeping a two seat distance. It’s better to wait until the fifth date to sit next to each other anyway.”

“Oh shut up.” Stiles said.

“Are you sure you don’t want to sit next to him?” I asked Allison, trying to show her that I wanted nothing to do with her brother when in reality all I wanted was to be on top of him.

“God, did something happen last night? It seems like you guys hate each other.” Scott asked.

“Nah it’s just fun to bug her. She’s like my little sister.” Stiles said.

“Yeah, and he’s an ass so.” I said seriously. 

How could he compare me to his little sister? God, out of all things to say it had to be that.

“You’ll live.” Allison said. “I want to sit next to my boyfriend.”

“Fine.” I said. “Just for you I’ll deal with your brother.”

We took our seats and Stiles whispered something to me.

“Why do you seem so mad?” He asked.

“You said I was like your little sister.” I said. “We’ll talk later.” 

The movie came to an end and we all left the theater.

“I’m staying at Scott’s tonight.” Allison said. “But I can drive you home if you want and then go to his house.”

“No I can call my mom, she’s probably awake.” 

“I can give her a ride.” Stiles suggested. “I’m passing by your house on the way home anyway.”

“Is that okay with you?” Allison asked.

“Yeah, I feel bad calling my mom to come back out anyway.”

We said goodbye and I got into Stiles’ car.

“If you ever tell anyone I’m like your little sister again this is over.” I said. “That is the grossest and creepiest thing ever.”

“It was a way to make sure Allison didn’t get any ideas. You know I don’t think of you like that. I think you are the sexy next door neighbor who I’ve been chasing my whole life.”

“Nice coverage.” I smirked. “Okay, you’re off the hook. Now take me home and treat me like the sexy next door neighbor needs to pay for hitting your car with her’s.”

“Oh hell yeah.” Stiles said as he sped up.

Part 3 | Part 5

[hairyharryhair]

Spider Woman Part 4

Word Count: 2240

Part 3

Masterlist

“YN/! This way!”

“To your left!”

“Y/Nl!”

“Yes!”

“Perfect!”

I smiled as I walked down the carpet, the heels I was wearing making my walk a little difficult.

I was downed in a black, tight mermaid style dress by Dolce and Gabbana. The dress was form fitting till my knees where about three inches of fabric spread out loosely. The whole dress being covered in floral black lace. My shoes, which were ridiculously expensive were by Giuseppe Zanotti Sophie. I held my Jimmy Choo clutch close seeing as it not only held my phone but my tampons, which I unfortunately needed on this night. Luckily I was wearing black.

A warm hand pressed to back and I looked to my side to see Harry staring at the void of lights flashing at us, his face emotionless. He was dressed in this probably expensive navy blue Gucci suit that had golden tigers on it. His Gucci loafers looking incredibly comfortable in comparison to my heels at the moment.

“How do you get used to it?” I asked as I blinked a little bit harder to try to get rid of the sudden burning in my eyes.

“You don’t.” He said and as he looked to me.

“Awesome.” I spat sarcastically, looking over at him to see the first showing of a smile on his face after hearing my response.

We slowly walked over to where Tom and Robert were standing so the four of us could have our picture taken together.

“Overwhelmed?” Robert asked me and I smiled.

“Like you wouldn’t believe.” I laughed and he smiled his hand settling on my back just above Harry’s. Harry was to my left, Robert to my right and Tom next to him.

“Just remember to breath, for some reason it seems to be the one thing we all forget.” Robert said, making me quickly realize that I hadn’t done just that since I stepped onto the carpet.

“Thanks, needed that.” I said and he nodded.

“Also drinking, drinking helps.” To. said and I let out a loud laugh, almost doubling over. The crowd of paps watching all bursting into laughter with me.

“Fuck.” I said and Harry smiled.

“Someone watch her.” Harry joked and I pushed his shoulder playfully.

“Please if anyone needs a babysitter it’s Tom, we should all be lucky he didn’t accidentally leak the whole movie script.” I joked and he turned to me with his mouth dropped.

“Once, one time I accidently posted a snap of you and Harry shooting your kissing scene to my story and I’m never left alone.” Tom defended and I smiled.

“Yeah except that wasn’t the only time, it was the fourth.” I said and he rolled his eyes, scoffing playfully.

“The fans are calling it Tom Fucking Up: The Saga.” Harry chimed in from beside me.

“Are they really?” Tom asked and we laughed, Robert clapping his hand on his shoulder before the three of us walked off to our individual interviews, leaving Tom gasping at us.

“Hi Y/N, my name is Claudia Hammervile with Red Carpet Daily and we would like to start off by asking you what this movie is going to bring that will change the marvel universe seeing as every movie always plays an impact?” The women asked then thrusting her phone into my face. It wasn’t aggressive or anything just very quick, I wasn’t expecting her to jump into this so fast.

“Well, I think the Avengers themselves are going to be slightly frustrated as they are now working with a hero who doesn’t want to be a hero. Not to mention the return of HYDRA, which they had previously thought to have been extinct after Captain America; The Winter Soldier. This movie introduces two new villians, one which may have a devastating effect on the world as they know it.” I answered and she nodded.

“What was the biggest challenge with taking on this role?” She asked and I nodded.

“Umm, well the workout regime wasn’t fun. Being in spandex just outlines every little nook and cranny of your body and I’ll tell you I actually slept in the gym once. Like I went, worked out practically the whole day and then took a nap in the locker room. It was honestly sad.” I said and she laughed and let out a little “Oh no!” as a joke.

I continued, “I also had some difficulty getting into my character. Jessica and I aren’t very alike in the fact that she’s very cold, and calculated. Nothing she does is without cause. She doesn’t go for a walk in the park just because it’s a nice day like I would but if she was to walk in the park it would be for some unknown reason. It’s just difficult to not smile. Every time Tony Stark would make a joke I would crack up and then realize, wait Jessica never laughs.” I said and she smiled. “But once I tapped into my inner Jessica that I think everyone has it was a piece of cake.” I said and she nodded.

“What can people expect when it comes to Jessica’s relationship with John, the trailer didn’t touch too much on that?” She asked and I smiled.

“Well that’s because it’s supposed to be a surprise.” I said and she laughed.

“Ohhh come on! Give us something!” She begged and I laughed.

“Ok ok!” I joked. “All I can say is that Jessica and John's relationship is as cute as a button.” I said, clearly referencing Harry’s old music video character Marcel.

“How long did it take you to think of that one?” Harry asked quickly as he walked by. I laughed and loudly yelled to him “The whole ride here!”

“I love the relationship you two have? Can we expect sparks to fly from the screen to real life?” She asked and I smiled.

“No, Harry’s too much of a dork for me.” I said before our time was cut short and it was time for me to go into the theatre.

Once I walked inside I was lead to my seat. The theater was large, with two sections, the floor section for the cast, crew, family and friends, and the mezzanine section for the lucky members of the public who got seats and for critics. The floor section was spit in half with a hall in the middle. I was sat on the floor, the right half of the theater, four seats into the row. To my left was my mom, next her my younger sister and my dad next to her. My dad stood up and hugged me was I walked over. He was wearing a boring black suit which he clearly rented as I know he doesn't own a suit.

“This is amazing Rachel, I’m so proud of you.” He said as he squeezed me in his arms.

“Thanks Dad. Also let me guess, you rented that tux two days ago?” I joked and he smiled.

“Three but nice try.” He said and I smiled.

“You do realize I signed a three movie contract right? And that doesn’t count the Avengers movies and the other individual ones I’ll be in right? You should probably just buy a suit.” He said and he smiled.

“Yeah I probably should.” He said as my sister stuck her head around to see me.

“This kind of rocks. I saw just saw Iron Man walk by, Iron Man Rachel.” She said and I laughed. She was wearing a electric blue dress that came to about mid thigh, the straps crossed across her chest from her waist and had a triangle cut out on her upper stomach. She wore white heels that had one white ‘x’ going across her toes and another white ‘x’ across her ankles made with the straps from the heels. Her bag was a large, white backpack style bag that probably held her camera and phone.

“Yeah, he’s in the movie.” I said sarcastically and she rolled her eyes. “Yeah but I didn’t think I would see him.” She said and I shook my head as I moved passed her and over my mom to get to my seat.

Once I sat down my mom took my hand in hers. She was wearing a knee length form fitting black dress. The dress came up to her neck and was sleeveless. The fabric was a sheer black lace that had horizontal zig-zag designs going across it down till the knees where it flared out slightly like my dress. She was wearing black heels that had one black strap across the toe and one around her ankle. Unlike me and my sister she didn’t have a bag, she must have put all her things in with my sisters.

“I can’t tell you how proud I am of you, you were so hard on yourself when you were growing up. I know that I probably didn’t make that any easier as I was always on your case about losing weight but I always believed you were destined for big things. And here we are, I was right!” She joked and I laughed. “Call it moms intuition.” She said and I smiled, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

“Love you mom, thanks for always being there for me.” I said and she smiled, squeezing my hand in recognition.

I felt a tap on my shoulder from my right and I looked over to see Harry and his mom and sister sitting down beside me.

“You think we have to say anything? I’ve only ever done this once before but I got out of it because it was only Chris and Finn that had to talk. But like now it’s Patty and you and possibly me. Also I didn’t prepare anything. Did you?” Harry rushed as he sat down. I looked over at his mom and she was rolling her eyes at her son's antics.

“No one told me I would have to say anything. So I’m assuming I’m not. Don’t worry though, if they ask us to speak you do the same as always. Thank your family, you literally wouldn’t be where you are without them, thank the cast and crew for the helpful tips and for making the film the best it could possibly be, thank the director for being the creative mastermind behind everything and knowing exactly how to make everything perfect, and last thank the fans for doing what they would do, they’re the best fans in the world and without them constantly asking questions and asking for more we wouldn’t be able to answer them in the best way we know possible, through the films we make. See, easy.” I said and he nodded. It was the normal thank you speech. What everyone says when they get up in front of the crowd. Not that it all wasn’t true. The cast is amazing, always there to help me when I was confused about literally anything. And crew did an amazing job on the movie. Literally without them we wouldn’t be sitting in this theater. Family is always on the list to thank, they either motivated you by pushing you and helping you become the best you could be or they motivated you by not believing in you. Either way you always thank the family. And you can never forget the fans. Seeing as they are not only the ones who help us get a paycheck but without them constantly wanting more we wouldn’t be able to do what we love.

Before the movie started Patty, our director, got up and gave a speech thanking everyone for coming out. She said how happy she was to work on another superhero movie even though her last movie was for D.C.’s Wonder Woman. She thanked the crew, giving little shout out’s where it was needed. She thanked Tom Holland for being the set prankster, always managing to put a smile on everyone's faces. She thanked Robert Downey Jr. for being our marvel veteran. She thanked Harry for somehow always managing to fall in every scene we shot. And then she thanked me, acknowledging that everyone thought it was a bad idea to cast someone so new to industry in such a big film but ultimately thinking it was the best decision she could have made, and also thanking me for all the creative thought I provided during the filming.

It was my idea to make Jessica Drew bisexual, and to not bi-erase her. When Harry’s character is first seen it because he is woken up from Jessica drunkenly stumbling through the hall of their apartment building with her female one night stand.

After she sat down, the lights dimmed and the movie started. Of course it took an extra few minutes to get my mom and sister to stop drooling over not only Harry but also Tom who was sitting in front of us. Both of them were eating up the attention like stuffed animals. Of course both knew they were off limits. My mom is an angel and my sister is in college and way too young to be with either of them. Also I don’t approve of that so no.

Half way through the movie Harry leaned over and whispered in my ear.

“By the way, I found the perfect person to set you up with.”

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 67

Today was such a rough session but I mean that in a good way. I got there before her and she apologize. I was like when you don't have to apologize I get it, I'm your first session. She laughed and said that it was a case of can't find the keys and that she was like oh my God I'm going to have to cancel my session because I can't get a ride to work after you've already driven an hour and a half. I was like do they not have Uber here and she was like OK yes they do but by the time one would have gotten to me we would've already been halfway through your session. I was like true well I'm glad that you found your keys. We both sat down and she asked how I was doing and I said I'm OK how are you and she said good. I could tell that she's reading my body language which definitely said that I was anxious and she was like OK so how are you doing and I was like well I brought a list but I'll try to be quick so that we can get back into doing more real work. I told her about how my husband's job was not secure and then I went down in shame spiral about my friend Michelle and how today he found out that his job will renew the contract for one more year so that anxiety is not there but that I'm just feeling really overwhelmed and anxious because I was really hoping that he would be hired on this May which would mean that I could leave one of my jobs and do full-time private practice. I told her about how I had stayed up until 2 AM last night trying to do insurance billing only to wake up to an email that said it was all rejected because of an enrollment issue and she asked me who it was through and I said Blue Cross and she said that she's been asking her other coworkers about the new system and basically she was like I don't know it's going on but we all know that it's bad and I was like yeah I'm trying to figure that out now. She said it's really confusing for everyone and then I can call office ally and ask him to do like an hour walk through where they explain how to use their system. I said I didn't know that but that could be really helpful so I might try that. I emailed them so we will see what they say. I told her also about how it really bothers me about how anxious I was about the freaking monologue and how long it took me and how many hours I agonized over it and also about how I found that in 12th grade I was a producer for a little skin and also that I did a short play for chapel and how much it bothers me that I can't remember any of it and I knew I was repeating myself but I was like literally people joke about how crazy it is that I remember so many details of different random things and I can tell you so many details about different classes but drama is the only one that I really can't remember and how annoying and frustrating that is. Lynn pointing out that it's possible that drama was the one place I felt like I could be me and therefore it was a good memory which got clouded by all of the trauma taking place or that I was so anxious that I just couldn't remember it because I was too busy worrying about other things or that the trauma has taken it's place and once I clear some of the trauma then maybe some of those positive memories will come back. She asked if I had kind to those experiences and I was like yeah sometimes. I told her that I went with the monologue from waitress and that it's just so frustrating how much anxiety I do have. I told her that the vacation went OK for the most part and it was cold that really beautiful there. I told her that I had found the memories from drama class by looking at my old emails to Candace and that something that also stood out to me that was surprising was how many of those emails, which was like almost all of them included journal entries of me talking about my grandma and how hard that was and the interest back-and-forth of we feel hopeful she will get better and now things are getting worse again and now they're getting better and now I feel hopeful but now I don't and now she's staying with my aunt and now she's moving back with us and it was very chaotic and overwhelming and I think I've really minimized a lot of that as not being a huge deal but looking back at those journals I see how that really could've affected me as a teenager to constantly be so upset and overwhelmed and anxious about my grandma's health. And I mentioned that that was the grandma to the church had said that my panic attacks were a spiritual warfare and that if I would've prayed harder she could've lived. She was like that was the angry grandma right and I was like wait what? I was like I didn't have an angry grandma we both just kind of looked at each other awkwardly while smiling and she was like no you did and I was like what and she was like no it wasn't it like and I was like do you mean at the very end of her life when she got really sick and her personality changed? And she was like yeah I knew that I was thinking of something and I was like well yeah luckily she wasn't actually mean to me but yeah she did do a complete 180 of who she was. I explained how it was the type of thing where my grandma had a Trumatic childhood and then as an adult she didn't really do a great job and didn't really work much and slept around with different guys, one of them being the milkman who was the father of three of the kids and so my mom and her siblings grew up in poverty and constantly having to move homes and change schools and DCS would be called for them being dirty or wearing old clothes and so my mom kind of took on the mom role as a kid. Lynn pointed out that it makes sense then one my mom would be the way she is and hang onto the religious stuff so much and I was like yeah basically my grandma and my mom and two of her sisters kind of did a 180 changing once they found religion and they became what most people would consider stable. The other siblings pretty much have drug or alcohol problems and struggle to find jobs and kind of had the stereo typical trauma life's. She said that sounds like it's definitely something we need to work on and She asked me what I thought would be best to work on today and I was like well yes we definitely do need to work on the stuff with my grandma at some point but honestly I think some of the anxiety and self he feels more immediate simply because of the theater class and the fact that like yes I still need to do a monologue and I just wish that I wasn't so overwhelmingly anxious and self hating about all of it. She looked back in my chart and said that was what we were working on last time and she kind of went through and said we should try to focus directly on kind of what the real problem is here and kind of going back all the way to where we had initially gotten stuck with the perfectionism was with the positive believe I'm OK as I am. She asked me to grab the tappers and to go with that and see what about that phrase is still really bothering me. I explained that it honestly just still feels like there's something wrong with me and I noticed how as a teenager I went back and listen to one of the tapes that Michelle and I have recorded on and I remembered being so shocked because my little kid voice was really high-pitched and had great inflection and I was like what the heck so my voice has an always been monotone and depressive and it was almost like oh what the heck was I like a boy who hit puberty in their voice changed and then also that I was thinking about how my tongue looked weird and how I remember as a teenager looking into the mirror and being so ashamed of my tongue because it has a large crack down the middle and two cracks in the side and I was like you know how in the 90s everybody was kind of doing the whole tongue out for the mirror shots kind of deal but that I was really embarrassed by the fact that my tongue looks weird and I knew that there was something wrong with me and I had googled it but this was before google was huge and I didn't really find anything and how it wasn't until I did acupuncture that it got explain to me and how the acupuncturist was honestly really validating because he said that your tongue splits like that when you have really severe anxiety and panic for a long time and Lynn was like I didn't know that and I was like yeah I didn't either and she stuck her tongue out and was like do I have a line down my tongue and I was like now LOL but it's pale which could be related to allergies or she was like or the coffee that I just drink before coming and I was like yeah that too. She asked if the tongues looks like that from folding it in your mouth and I said no for whatever reason the tongue just naturally splits like that when your body is under so much anxiety and panic for so long and I explained out was really validating because acupuncturist was like honestly have never seen someone as young as you are to have such a big split like that normally I see this kind of split with all the war veterans with PTSD so you must've really had some severe anxiety as a kid and I was like yeah. Lynn said that was really interesting and to notice that and to go with my body and I explained how I felt anxious. I noticed how I have a really strong fighter flight kind of response and how even on vacation there was a point when our car was struggling in the snow and I completely panicked I had grab the door handle and was about to jump out but luckily my husband grabbed traction on the ground and he kind of laughed it off but that's that same kind of panic where I just run when I get that scared and that was how it felt as a kid with trying to get out. She had me notice what that was like and then I started to tear up thinking about how scary and overwhelming those panic attacks as a kid were and how I don't even know how to really describe it to do it justice but that I've had panic attacks as adults and they are absolutely nothing like the ones as a kid and maybe part of that is because as an adult I know what a panic attack is in as a kid I didn't know and so is just is completely overwhelming out of control response and she was like just notice what that would have been like for a little kid to not know what's happening. So I noticed and then I ended up down the shame spiral of how I had those panic attacks that were really severe and would last like 30 minutes or so and that happened for like the first month and a half of my brother getting sick but that after that I would dissociate and so it made me think of like what if my mom was right maybe I should've just communicated and maybe it was my fault and maybe no one at church really knew how badly I needed help because my panic attacks were any 30 minute panic attack explosion anymore they were more of like a few minutes of a panic attack and then complete dissociation. She asked me how old I was and I said six and she said to notice that whole little six-year-old is and I noticed Beth was like I really can't remember what would've happened after the dissociation part so I don't know how I would've responded or acted. She asked me why people dissociate and I said usually because they get flooded and can't handle the present and she said yes to notice that that it was a protective mechanism. And then I started to tear up more and I said well that's a shitty protective mechanism because if anything it just meant that my family and church all thought that I was having this few minute meltdown and then was perfectly fine but I clearly was not fine and so again it just feels like it was my fault for not speaking up. She told me to notice again I was only six and to get in touch with my body and I noticed I felt really anxious and then all of a sudden I just started like really crying, like multiple tears streaming down my face kind of crying and she did the toppers for a long time I just cried and I explained how I don't know why but I'm just always so scared of everything and how even when we went skiing on location I was so scared on the ski lift and my has been was pointing out all the little kids you could do it and I took for panel also is fine but I just always been so terrified of everything and I had thought about my grandma when she died and how scary it was that she passed out and the thud on the floor and I had a panic attack at the airport A few months ago because somebody passed out and I just freaked out and there was the sudden she told me to just noticed that fear and where I feel in my body and I just kept crying and feeling anxious and sad and I explain how it's just not fair that you can't predict and control anything in life and I know that's just life then I hate it and I want to be able to control everything and it feels not fair that I can't guarantee safety and I don't know why am so anxious about my safety and I think that's why I'm such a workaholic is because you never know when it's going to be gone or where you're going to need it and it just makes me feel so overwhelmed and that's probably why my husband's job potential he being lost stressed me out so much and I don't know if safety is just so huge for me and I can't guarantee it and that really bothers me. Eventually the tears kind of slow down and I started to feel anxious but not terrified and crying anymore. I noticed how I have really loves going to church and hardly felt sad because I don't know that I loved it for the right reasons but that I really loved being able to see my cousins and also the fact that there was so much good food that I wasn't otherwise allowed to have there and I notice how there was this craft we did that was probably a cheesy walking with Jesus wall art thing but that I have been really really proud of the sneaker that I had designed and it hung up on the wall for years even after we left the church and how there was a kid Adam who had severe cognitive disabilities and this was before autism was really a diagnosis and I don't know what he had but lots of neurological issues and I remember just being so anxious and terrified of him because he was so I'm predictable and I just realized how unpredictability scares me so much. She had me get back into my body and notice what I was experiencing when I think about that for-year-old experiencing so much fear around my grandma passing out and also said that a lot of this is sounding like I'm intellectualizing and this is my adult self coming out to make sense of it and she wanted me to get back into that little kid memory and I noticed that I feel really anxious and it's the same kind of anxiety that experience now where your heart starts racing and it's just this overwhelming feeling and I explained how like even on the car ride here I thought about the fact that I was like what if Lynn tells me to do my monologue for her and I was like I would literally start crying and say no like I can't do it and it's that same just heart racing overwhelming anxious feeling, which Lynn kind of laughed about me thinking about her asking me to do the monologue but she asked me to notice that for your old fear that that's where that fear started and to notice what I would do to comfort that child now. I started to tear up again I sent really hard to separate myself out from any other kid what I would do and she was like just try and I was like I mean I guess that I would just hug them and try to explain that the doctor is going to take care of it and it's OK to feel scared and she was like OK just noticed that and I noticed that my dad had been freaking out because it was his mom and my mom is just kind of freaking out and I realize that my parents probably just overlooked me completely because they were freaking out so much and it was the day of my brother's first birthday which is usually a really big deal and we were having a big party at our house and we were supposed to be setting everything up and everybody was overwhelmed and my grandma kept telling my dad at the hospital that she was so sorry for ruining his birthday party and I think that it was kind of natural that everyone forgot about me in that moment. She told me to notice that I've been forgotten and then I started to cry again and I was like or maybe they didn't forget me and they intentionally fucking didn't tell me because that's their track record after that. I explained how when my mom got sick when I was in high school nobody fucking told me anything and it was just this big mom is sick and nobody knows what's wrong and then with my grandma nobody would tell me anything in high school then either and then even now with my grandpa's wife who has Alzheimer's, my mom didn't tell me how bad it was getting and I literally found out from my brother who texted me and asked if I had known how bad it had gotten and of course at this point I'm crying and I'm like and I maybe there wasn't anything that I could've done but maybe I would've wanted to call her one last time or write her a card or ask for her matzoh ball soup recipe or something since she's gone or at least her mind is and maybe I would've gotten some closure but I didn't get that because they didn't give me that opportunity and it just doesn't feel fair. She asked me about my mom being sick and what the issue was and I was like honestly I really don't know because what happened was we were at my grandpa's apartment for like Rosh Hashanah or something and there was a scale in the bathroom and naturally every single one of my family members stepped on it and it was accurate for everyone except my mom and for my mom at show that she had lost 15 pounds and she tried to say that the scale must of been broken and that was when we knew something was wrong because that was a significant amount of weight loss. I explained that nobody really talk to me but that there was a time when I was coming home from volleyball practice and I member that I had a really bad day and my cocaptain Christie had been screaming at me for no reason and embarrassed me because she was mad about her stupid boyfriend and I was so upset and I got in the car and remember my dad saying we don't need you to cause trouble just be quiet and go to your room and don't start anything mom sick and that was kind of it where it was more of like don't burden us with your shit just be quiet and keep to yourself and I didn't really know what was going on and I member being really scared that she would have cancer or something but nobody talk to me about it so I never knew. At this point I know my mom says that they did a bunch of tests and things but that the holistic medicine approach said that it was a bad response to antibiotics and that it somehow destroyed her gut flora and that was what happened but I don't really know because with Western medicine they never really found an answer or she never told me anything. I feel like I ended up having another gold tooth moment we're Lynn was like so when you think back on it now your mom had a significant amount of weight loss and knowing how rigid she is and all of her food issues do you think that there's any chance that she had an eating disorder and was losing weight for those reasons and I was like well shit I hadn't really thought of that but I suppose it's possible. She pointed out that it could've easily been something that they were stressing about that I didn't even know anything about our relationship issues with her and my dad or something that could've caused her to lose weight from stress and I was like I really don't know I just know that I kind of was given the sense that I needed to be quiet and not cause more problems. When pointed out that she thinks that I was a very intuitive kid in that I was aware of other peoples emotions and fed off of that. She asked if I've ever worked with an anxious kid who didn't have an anxious parent and I was like I'm not sure and then I realize there was the one really smart kid and I was like crying and I don't know his biological parents but the grandparents who took care of them we're not anxious at all but this came together was super super smart and always tried to intellectualize everything and she was like man that sounds familiar and I was like yeah I guess so I just always tried to make sense of everything and she was like well sure you're really smart kid and I think you were really into it even understand a lot but didn't have the context to really make sense of it and so you just ended up sort of in that ripple effect of dealing with all the anxiety and not really being able to explain anything or understand what was going on. I said that definitely made sense and I wasn't sure. She said she thinks that I definitely have an over tendency to intellectualize and I was like LOL me? She said yeah and that's why we need to keep going back to the bottom but she said that seems like we made some really good progress today and I was like yeah well thank you for letting me cry with you and shoes like of course good work we will keep at it for next time. I paid her and scheduled for next time, and asked her if she had seen the Kristen Bell Therapist a video yet. She said no and asked if it was funny and I was like yeah I think you'll really appreciate it. She laughed and said she would definitely love to see yet because we always need a good joke about our field so I told her that I would email it to her. I told her that it's a parity of a client who really likes her therapist but her therapist says she's going on vacation for two weeks and Lynn laughed and was like oh that's me and I was like exactly I thought about how you are always taking your non-vacations. I asked her if she had taken another non-vacation while I was away and she said yes she had gone to visit her daughter in New York because she was able to get really cheap tickets for 100 bucks and it was just like a weekend and her daughter wanted her to come visit to go see a certain show and it's her birthday weekend since you can't come home for her birthday Lynn figured she would go spend it with her there. Lynn said that she keeps up with like all of the different travel watch websites and things and is constantly scanning for cheap flights and that she supposed to go back to New York in a few weeks but she was like yeah I might bump it back I don't know yet but Lynn laughed and was like I get to be a little bit impulsive when I see cheap flights and then I just go for it. I laughed and I was like well that's nice and I asked her about allegiant Airlines no longer flying at that airport and she Said she thinks it's supposed to resume in June but that if you stay up-to-date with all of the different travel websites you can get almost as cheap flights in general and I was like damn I don't really know how you do that but that's awesome. She said you just have to keep up with them and I was like yeah maybe when I have more time. She told me to take care and I said thank you and goodbye and went into the waiting room and realized I had left my phone on her couch. So then I frantically searched my purse for my phone and checked my pockets awkwardly while her next client stared at me so then I started making small talk with this other client and said I think I left my phone on her couch and then we ended up having a nice little conversation about how this lady has three kids and all the 17 is what's making her forgetful and she gets in and eventually Lynn came out and I was like hey I think I left my phone on your couch and she looked over and was like yeah you did so she went to grab it and I jokingly was like no worries I just made friends with your next client and she laughed and said good see you next week and I headed out.

[livialuanglath]

I was afraid.

Still having difficulty forgetting about you. The thing is that I kind of don’t want to forget you. I remember when we first spoke to each other it was at the bar, you asked me to be your pool partner and I said I was trash at pool and you didn’t care because you said you weren’t going to be any better. Then I made the winning shot and you looked at me and said I hustled you guys. That was the moment when I realized that you were exactly what I needed in my life. I didn’t think of you romantically yet, I just thought it was so refreshing to meet someone like you.

Then you asked me out on a date. I remember this because I was so afraid of jumping back into this stuff again and you begged me to give you a shot, so I did, thinking it wasn’t going to be anything huge, but then I found out you were taking me to this fancy brewery/farmhouse where their waiting room was so fancy I didn’t know if we were allowed to sit on their furniture and when we got to our table, I didn’t even know which fork to use for my salad.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it but it was probably the best date I’ve been on by far. But again I was too afraid to give in to you no matter how much you promised me it wasn’t going to end badly with us. We talked about everything, and I remember every time I was talking I would catch a glimpse of you looking at me and it would send shivers all throughout my body. And I remember how excited I was to find someone who shared the same music taste as me and to have someone hear what my favorite 80’s song is and having them say that I’m “dope as fuck.”

After a couple of days with you I just remember being happy again and finally having someone tell me everything I’ve ever wanted to hear but didn’t get to in the past. I remember making fun of you and saying that your mother named you after Troy Bolton from high school musical but you would burn me right back by pointing out the fact that I watched that movie in the first place. And I remember you would never let me live down the fact that I put ice in my milk but you would still bring me chocolate milk with ice every morning and would tell me that I’m the only one you would ever date that would drink iced milk. Despite that fact that we were constantly teasing each other every single day, we shared so many interests it was almost scary how perfect I thought we were.

The night you asked me to call you after work I remember being petrified. I thought I was in trouble with you, but once you picked up that phone you spilled out your feelings and you told me that you wanted it all with me and that you wanted me to meet your mother and you thought your 14 year old sister would love me. I was instantly nervous because I knew how much they meant to you and I was afraid they wouldn’t like me if they ever met me, but you told me that you told your mom about me right after our first date and she was so excited she wanted to meet me over the phone and see pictures of me and you thought it would scare me away if you told me about it.

I keep replaying all of our conversations in my head, you were always so charming, and whenever I was upset you knew exactly what to say to make me look like I slept with a hanger in my mouth. One of my favorite things you told me was when you told me the first words I ever said to you was when we were at work and I gave you attitude and you were instantly attracted to me. Your exact reaction was “oh hell yeah” if I remember correctly but I have no memory of this. Thats what impressed me about you is the fact that you were so infatuated with me that you remembered every interaction between us at work that I have no recollection of. Another thing you told me that made my heart sing was when you were telling me that you didn’t want our first date to be at the movie theater because your favorite thing to do was look into my eyes and see my smile and at first I thought that was the cheesiest thing to say but then you joked and said that when I was talking you sometimes didn’t hear what I said because you got lost in my eyes. I couldn’t help but fall in love with you even harder at that moment.

I feel like because of my fears, I ended up ruining something beautiful that you tried to create between us. You wanted to chase my fears away but I wouldn’t let you and when I finally gave in and poured my heart out to you, you walked away from me. I never knew how much of my heart you had consumed until you were gone and you left your footprints.

Now I feel like your presence is still near me like I still keep thinking you were going to call me or sneak up from behind me and just hold me like you used to. I would get the worst thoughts in my head that scared me half to death and hearing your voice was just instant relief, it was like I got my sanity back as soon as you came into view. I had fallen in love with you so fast that it scared me.

I was so ready to chase your fears away as you did for me. I wanted to be there to wipe away your tears and heal any wounds you had from your past, I just wanted to hold your hand through everything that life would throw at us,but I was too late. You found someone else and I have nobody to blame but myself.

It’s so hard to tell myself that you’re gone. It’s like a part of my day is missing. I went from talking to you all day and falling asleep on the phone with you, to falling asleep crying by myself. I can’t seem to heal, it’s like I’m in literal pain from the heartache. I actually feel sick to my stomach from the thought of losing you forever. I let myself become suppressed by my own fears that I didn’t realize you were there trying to heal me. I will never forgive myself for shutting you out because I honestly don’t think I’ll ever find anyone who loved as hard as you did.

Your face, and your voice, telling me how much you wanted this for us will always be burned into my brain but your voice when you told me it was all over between us will haunt me forever.

[imnoexpertblog]

Lonely Netflix Movie Binge

6/21/18

In my boredom with Baby being gone on his business trip and needing something to watch/listen to while I pack up our apartment, I have been watching random Netflix movies that were suggested to me based on my interest and past viewings. I never watch new movies alone. I can re-watch anything I want by myself but I like seeing new stuff with someone else. Over some intense self-reflection the past few years I think this is because I have always had company in some form throughout my life. I was rarely alone. I never had to do anything myself. My mom was very social when I was growing up and she always had friends over. My siblings were also always with me. Then as I got older, I was usually in a relationship. When I was single, I had a roommate I was very close to. I’ve become used to doing things with someone else. Going out to eat, watching new movies, going to events, even just hanging out. It’s not to say I can’t do these things by myself, I have grown to appreciate my alone-time. But. I prefer to have company when doing certain things. I like sharing experiences with people; talking about what we are doing, making memories, having someone else to enjoy time with. But with Baby being away, I forced myself to watch six whole new movies by myself! These are the ones and what I thought about them. (I tried to pick unique and understated ones but that were still specifically recommended to me by Netflix and that went… Not so great).

Adore

“Two lifelong best friends each begin a steamy affair with the other's son, but trouble begins to brew when one of the two young men desires a lover his own age.” I have seen the cover art for this movie for a long time now, maybe a year. I don’t know why I have skipped over it every time until this week; maybe because I never read what it was about. The synopsis intrigued me enough to start watching it though. Seems pretty risky and taboo, doesn’t it? That always makes something enticing. I will say, though, it is odd. It has a soap-opera type of feel to it. Instead of being really cliché, it turned out to feel a little deeper than that. I am not sure how believable the whole plot is, but who watches a movie to see a boring realistic story? I was pleased with the cast and the acting. I think it was scored well, too. There is tension and drama, but it’s a calm flick. I wasn’t sure what to make of this movie until I found out it’s actually a French production. That changed my perspective a bit, considering the difference in culture. The setting made it easy to watch; the beach is absolutely gorgeous. I was genuinely interested to see how in the world this unique situation would turn out. The reviews aren’t very good, but I didn’t hate it, my any means. I thought it was interesting to see how everything played out for them all.

Open House

“A teenager and his mother find themselves besieged by threatening forces when they move into a new house.” This one I was excited for initially when it was new. I like thrillers and I like the main actor, Dylan Minnette from 13 Reasons Why. But man oh man. This movie is so slow. Not until half-way through the film did I actually feel some excitement or anticipate what comes next. The whole beginning half I was just kind of waiting. The “build-up” didn’t build me up at all. I was bored watching this. The real excitement did start until there was 22 minutes left in the movie. A lot of wasted time, if you ask me. The same “scary” weird things happen through the entire first 3/4 of the movie and it was just redundant and anticlimactic. But once it got going, HOLY COW. I will say I was so confused because there didn’t seem to be anything in the movie that would point me in any direction of guessing what was happening once the action was going down. So, that also frustrated me. It was a pretty intense last 20 minutes or so, but that is not to say it was good. Thumbs down for sure.

Below Her Mouth

“Jasmine is a successful fashion editor living with her fiancé. On a night out in the city with her best friend, she meets Dallas, a roofer recently out of a relationship. Surprised by the confidence with which Dallas pursues her, Jasmine turns Dallas down but can't get her out of her head. When Jasmine finally succumbs, the two women embark on a steamy affair that forces them both to re-evaluate their lives.” Okay. I didn’t expect this movie to have so much sex in it. Again, I watched it out of intrigue for the taboo nature of it. And taboo it was, oh my goodness. There was no limit to nudity or openness of sexual scenes. I have no issue with intimate scenes, but I was surprised to see just how much there was involved in the film. It seemed to be overkill at some points. I was fascinated by how these two women acted with and towards each other so early on in knowing each other. I guess I can’t judge. Baby and I felt like we were together forever by the time we were a week into seeing each other. We acted like it, too. Anyway, this movie just seemed like a lot of erotic moments with little substance. I did need to know how this affair would unravel, though. Not sure how I feel about the ending. All of that being said, I wasn’t sure how to rate this.  It is rated pretty poorly overall. A lot of people attacked the main focus being on sex. Which it was. It got in the way of getting to know the characters. There was nothing to invest myself in. The acting was also dull until the erotic scenes. The more I type, the more I realize that I was unimpressed, as was everyone else. I’ve read that this is a crappy version of another movie on Netflix, “Blue is the Warmest Color.” Maybe I will watch that next.

Friend Request

“Laura is a popular college student who graciously accepts an online friend request from Marina, a young social outcast. To everyone's shock, Marina takes her own life after Laura decides to unfriend her. Soon, a disturbing and mysterious video appears on Laura's profile and her contacts slowly dwindle. When her friends suddenly begin to die one by one, the frightened young woman must figure out a way to stop the carnage before it's too late.” I remember seeing the trailer for this in theaters back when it came out 2 years ago. I did NOT want to watch this movie. I thought it looked ridiculous, to be honest. I have never been interested in the social . I know I shouldn’t watch anything remotely scary if I have to sleep alone (I have issues with a type of nightmare/sleep disorder but we will get into that another time) but beyond my better judgement, I watched it anyway. I was actually very interested the whole time I was watching. I did think the kills were different. The reviews are horrible. People have ripped this movie apart. Maybe I’m a broken human being (LOL) but I didn’t mind it. I also actually really enjoyed the ending. I wasn’t sure how this could end up, but I like the way they did it. Again, I’m on the fence about rating it. I wouldn’t say it was great, but I wasn’t struggling to watch it either.

Inconceivable

“Angela develops a friendship with a mysterious woman named Katie and offers her a job as a live-in nanny. The natural bond soon turns into a dangerous obsession as Katie becomes overly attached to the family's young daughter. Enduring lies and manipulations, Angela and her husband realize that sweet Katie is actually trying to destroy their family from within.” This started off with a bang. It also revealed the twist within the first half of the movie. I was pretty interested in it the whole time because I liked the story-line. You get enough information at the right pace. It didn’t drag and it didn’t bore me at any time. I was a little apprehensive with how all these movies have been underwhelming this week, but I liked this. I didn’t find it predictable. The reviews, you guessed it, are bad. I actually rarely agree with reviews on movies that aren’t huge. I didn’t this movie to have crappy reviews though, to be honest. I recommend this movie.

Dismissed

“An optimistic, straight-edged teacher finds trouble when a star student is willing to do anything to get an A.” Alright. First of all. Dylan Sprouse acted the hell out of this role. I was thoroughly impressed with him in this film. He was so believable! A great film about psychopathy. I was hooked right away, even with the vague synopsis/summary. There was so much potential for this to be so cheesy but it wasn’t at all. They didn’t hold back in this film; the incidents that occurred. Some reviews said it was predictable but I highly disagree. Reviews also said it was low budget (is also said that they did well with such a low budget) but I didn’t see it that way. I don't want to give too much away because really liked it and I recommend it.

I wish I had better suggestions for you guys, I really only recommend Inconceivable and Dismissed out of these six movies. I guess I’d say watch Adore if you are bored and wanna throw something on for background noise; something to catch every now and then while cleaning maybe. Friend Request might have been something I liked just because I like scary movies, but watching those can be fun. Below Her Mouth, honestly is just super erotic. Take that as you may. And lastly… Please, I beg of you, never waste your time on Open House.

In other news, I have decided to take this day to myself. If you are not my fiancé, I can't promise I will be talking to you today. I have packed a lot (which I wouldn't have gotten done without the help of my sister Vanny, my best friend from work, Ryan, and his best friend named Cal), slept less than I've wanted to, been to the bank too many times, and have seen my mortgage lender too often lately. It is time to shower, sleep, watch better movies for sure, and lay around without having to answer ANYONE. If you feel like you've been stretched too thin or you're stressed, you should consider doing the same. I've been non-stop going at it for about six weeks now and I deserve this. I love you all, but I need today. Comment away, just expect a response tomorrow. Xoxo.

[imagineswithfandoms-blog]

A journey through theater | part 1

I’m having a little bit of a panic attack/depression relapse. So I’m writing this to cheer myself up a bit and distract myself

Requested by anon

***

The morning was borderline dreary; you could see the sun through a thin curtain of clouds. The said curtain was a deep grey. The sky looked ready to scream any minute. The forecast did call for a light drizzle that would go away so y/n didn’t pay mind.

But no matter the weather, nothing could shake her feeling of contentment and excitement; she payed close attention to everything she did, not wanting to forget a single detail. But one rarely forgets the day they meet their Idols.

The understudy for Peggy/Maria in the hut musical Hamilton had to leave the show; she had recently gotten married and her husband was deployed to Washington DC. She had left on good terms but they needed an understudy. Y/n who had loved the musical leaped at the chance and surprisingly got the part.

Today she was simply meeting the cast; she wore a red sundress. Not because she had a particular obsession for the color but she needed the confidence. She wanted to be the interesting girl in the red dress. She knew she was dramatic but confidence was needed.

She combed her hair and did her best to make herself presentable. She smiled at herself in the full-length mirror. She thought she looked better than most days. But in her opinion her stomach was still too big. Her skin had a small pimple and she still didn’t think she was pretty. She was beyond nervous: y/n barely slept the night before and was up half an hour before her alarm clock. Y/n was ready way too soon. She sighed and sat down to turn on the tv. She put on a rerun of some show that always made her laugh.

She walked into the kitchen and fixed a bowl of cereal. She added the perfect amount of milk and sat down. With nothing else to do she pulled out her phone to go on Twitter. She only ate half her cereal bowl.

Lin_Manuel meeting a new understudy today!

She smiled at herself. She had come to the conclusion that if she left now she would have time to stop at her local coffee shop. She locked up her apartment and started the short walk to the quiet café.

Once y/n arrived she thought through what she wanted to order. When you thought about an order of coffee as another dress size it made it difficult to bear. So she just bought a bottle of water. She sat down at a nearby table and noticed someone. She gasped when she saw Phillipa Soo. The person she had been obsessed with for such a long time; the person she absolutely adored.

Y/n fiddled with her hands. Should she say something? She thought for a moment that Phillipa was looking in her direction.

“She was totally checking you out,” a waiter y/n was friends with.

Y/n glared at Michael, “Shut up!”

“Let’s see…no coffee and your snippy. Let me guess, your mom?” Michael assumed.

Michael was cute, he had strawberry blonde hair and freckles. He was tall too and y/n and him had a system. She helped him with cute guys and he helped her with both.

“She called me from the Bahamas to talk about my sister’s engagement. She was being nice this time though…only casually insulted my career, my weight, and my lack of relationship nine times.” Y/n ranted.

Michael smiled softly, “don’t listen to her babe! You’re taking on Broadway! You’re working on a novel! And you have great fashion taste! Your thin and Mr. Or Mrs. Right doesn’t just show up over night.”

You smiled with a giggle, “thanks Michael. You’re the best.”

“No problem bae.” Michael grinned, “now can I get you your usual?”

Y/n frowned, “ehh…I’m going to go an engagement party I need to loose weight.”

“Don’t overdue it,” Michael warned.

“Hey, I found this really cute guy named Anthony. I can give you his number”

“You’re the best babe.” She laughed but her gaze fell back on Phillipa.

“You are so going to talk to her.” Michael insisted.

Y/n protested. “No. I actually have a work thing with her later.”

“Exactly! Flirt with her now, then a little more then. But set it up now.”

“No…”

Michael sighed, “Fine…but I have an idea.”

Y/n face palmed. She took another sip from her water bottle and sighed. She was so distracted with being annoyed at her friend that she didn’t notice Pippa walking up to the front of the counter.

Y/n expected her to order something but she took the seat next to her.

“Hello,” Phillipa said with a smile.

Y/n awkwardly turned, “He-Hello.” She mentally scolded herself for stuttering.

Phillipa giggled, “you’re the new understudy, right?”

Y/n felt her face grow warm. “Yes, I was actually going to the theater after this.”

Phillipa smiled before noticing her bottled water. “Not a coffee person?”

Y/n sighed, “I am but my sister got engaged and my mother always has some sort of comment on my weight or my job or my lack of relationships.” Y/n realized she was ranting and quickly apologized. “Sorry, this isn’t your problem.”

Phillipa let her fingers brushed y/n’s hand. “No, no it’s fine. Besides,” she paused for a moment, “if she can’t see how great your doing then she’s obviously wrong.”

“Thanks Phillipa,” y/n mumbled.

Pippa laughed, “call me Pippa.”

“I’m y/n,” the h/c haired girl replied.

“Well y/n can I buy you a coffee or a muffin or something,” Pippa questioned?

Y/n was hesitant, “well…”

“Come on, you’re like really pretty, you don’t need to worry about your weight.”

Y/n’s face grew warm. “All right.”

Michael came over with a smug look. He had a smug look on his face. “What can I get you?”

“Is that your boyfriend,” Pippa asked with a laugh?

Y/n shook her head, “no, Michael is like my best friend. Plus, he’s gay.”

Pippa smiled softly when the drinks came. For some reason the two’s hands were still touching. They finished their drinks.

“Well, we should probably head to the theater to not be late.” Pippa smiled. “Maybe we could walk together. I mean, assuming you walked here.”

“I’d love to.”

[artificialqueens]

Read My Mind (Trixya) Chapter 2 - Candy For Children

A/N: Here’s chapter 2! I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I hope you enjoy it! I now have the skeleton of the next few chapters figured out so hopefully I should be updating regularly. Thank you to the person who pointed out my mistakes with the powers! I had just been going off the definitions on the AHS wiki. I will probably keep using the same terms I used in the first chapter for continuities sake, but I really to appreciate it. Happy reading!

Summary: Trixie is a clairvoyant witch, sent to study at Mrs. Charles’s Academy for Gifted Girls, where she meets another young witch named Katya, and sparks fly (no pun intended).

Katya yawned. She tried to pay attention to what Ms. Edwards was saying but instead she yawned again. She hadn’t slept well the night before, and was exhausted. She was sure that on any other day she would be interested in whatever mix of herbs they were putting together to make… what was it, an elixir of truth or something? Well whatever it was Katya was hard pressed to pay attention to it. All she could do was sit at her desk next to Alaska and doodle in her notebook.

She looked over to where Trixie was diligently taking notes. It was always adorable to see new girls so fascinated by it all when they first arrived. Katya had been like that. They all had. Well except maybe Violet. Violet was a nice girl, but she had a cold demeanor and little enthusiasm for anything that life threw her way. Not that anyone could blame her, life had thrown her some shit.

Katya smiled when Trixie sneezed after smelling one of the ingredients Ms. Edwards handed to her. She was cute. And definitely Katya’s type. Blond with blue eyes, large soft lips, and curves that made a girl feel dizzy to look at. All wrapped up in a big pink bow. And the two definitely had chemistry, there had been something there the night before in the other girls room. If Katya hadn’t been talking to Jamie again recently, she would have done more than flirt with the life sized barbie, she would have pursued her in earnest. 

But as it was, she had been talking with Jamie again, and Katya had a feeling that this time things would work out.

“Alright girls, we’ll leave these to sit overnight, and in the morning we will try them out. You’re free for the day.” Ms. Edwards dismissed the class. Pearl and Violet were the first one’s out the door, Pearl talking animatedly and walking backwards in front of Violet, who had the whisper of a smile on her face. Next came Max, Fame, and Courtney, who walked in a clump whispering excitedly to each other. As they walked past Katya and Alaska’s table they looked at Katya and giggled.

She looked at Alaska in confusion, who just shrugged and left the room. “What the hell was that about?” Katya asked walking over to the the table where Kim and Trixie were cleaning up their mess.

“I wouldn’t worry about it, just gossip” Kim said looking quickly between Trixie and Katya.

That only served to confuse Katya more, “What gossip could they possibly have about me?” she asked.

“It’s Max.” Naomi said, walking over and resting against the table between Trixie and Kim, “She’s been telling everyone that when she shook hands with Trixie last night she saw the two of you bumping uglies.”

Trixie blushed and didn’t say anything, so Katya jumped in and saved them all mere seconds before an awkward silence, “Didn’t anyone ever tell Max that no one likes a peeping Tammy?”

“You know she can’t help it Kat” replied Naomi, twisting her long silky hair into a bun on the top of her head and sticking one of Kim’s pencils in it to keep it secure.

“Um,” Trixie said finally speaking up, “I’m not a lesbian though?”

Naomi laughed, “Not even a spaghetti lesbian? Straight until hot and wet?”

“Ugh” Katya rolled her eyes, “I hate that term, that’s just called being bisexual.”

“Don’t worry Trixie,” Kim said, “She’s probably just exaggerating what she saw. She’s been known to do that. She’s super sweet, but she’s a little dramatic. She got her accent from living in Newcastle for a year when she was 12.”

Trixie shook her head and laughed, “I’m not worried. Just, confused is all.”

The room was quiet again, except for the sound of Adore’s heavy boots against the hardwood floors as she left.

“Anyway” Naomi said smiling and resting her head in her hands coyly, “I have a tinder date in an hour, and I would love it if my best friend and make up god Kim would help me get ready?” She began to bat her eyelashes comically and Kim rolled her eyes.

“I’ll see what I can do.” she laughed, and turned to Trixie, “I’ll see you at dinner!” They hugged and then she and naomi left the classroom.

Katya watched them leave and then whipped back around to look at Trixie grinning manically, “So we still on to hang out?”

“Of course!” Trixie smiled, “Let me take this stuff to my room and then we can do whatever.”

She began walking and Katya followed after her.

“I can just pop it over there for you.” Katya smiled and reached out for Trixie’s notebook making grabby hands at it.

Trixie laughed, “No thank you. I’ve decided that I’m making my room an official ‘no transmutation’ zone. I don’t even like jump scares in movies, I don’t need them in real life.”

Katya shook her head and tutted her tongue, “Whatever you say Tracy. Your loss.”

The two girls began to walk toward Trixie’s room making chit chat along the way.

Thirty minutes later as they were walking out of the front door and into the bright sunlight Trixie asked, “So what do two magically inclined girls do for fun in this town?” Things had taken a little longer than expected, because once the girl had gotten to her room she decided to freshen up her makeup and change into some clothes that were more appropriate for the weather.

Katya grinned and put on her large tortoiseshell sunglasses “I have a few ideas!”

-

Katya’s idea had been for them to go see a movie at the small independent theater in town. It was a cute place with no more than thirty seats and old fashioned looking bags to serve the popcorn in. The theater had been playing one of Katya’s favorite movies: “To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar” and she had been wanting to go for a while, so this had worked out perfectly. The girls had gotten there early and were basically alone in the theater so they talked until the movie started. They shared their favorite movies (Katya’s was ‘Contact’, of course, and Trixie’s was ‘When Harry met Sally’), and other little things about themselves.

“I think in a past life I was a drag queen.” Katya said smiling as they walked out of the theater. She had always liked the moment you stepped back into the real world after a movie, it made her head spin in a delicious little way that she could appreciate.

“Same!” Trixie smiled and crumpled up her empty popcorn bag.

“Oh honey, with that make up? You’re a drag queen in this life.” Katya cackled and then dodged when Trixie tried to hit her with the balled up bag. When the Barbie began to chase her Katya ran away but was quickly caught and her side was attacked mercilessly..

“Дядя!” Katya shrieked, “дядя!”

“What?” Trixie asked, and kept tickling the other girl.

“Uncle!” Katya yelled, gasping for breath through giggles.

“Oh!” She said, and stopped and took a step back. Katya doubled over onto the ground in an exaggerated coughing fit, and then slumped backwards putting her arm over her forehead and spoke in one of her favorite voices “Go on without me Barbra. The devil has come to take me away from this place.”

“Shut up.” Trixie laughed, pulling her up to her feet, and then to an ice cream shop a few yards away.

-

Later, after Katya had dragged them out of ice cream shop, the two girls were walking alongside the train tracks eating their ice cream. Katya’s was peanut butter chocolate in a cup, and Trixie was eating bubblegum in a cone (Katya got the feeling that Trixie had mainly gotten the flavor to go along with her aesthetic, because every time the other girl licked her ice cream she wrinkled her nose a little bit at the flavor). Katya took bites out of her’s with the sample spoon giddily, ignoring the regular spoon resting along side her ice cream in the cardboard cup.

“So did you speak russian back there?” Trixie asked suddenly. They had been walking in companionable silence for the past few minutes. Katya had been surprised at how quickly and easily they had become comfortable with each other. Usually people weren’t really sure what to think about her when they first met her, but Trixie seemed to get her almost immediately.

“Yeah!” Katya smiled, “My family is russian. My grandmother moved here when she was 25, 8 months pregnant and not speaking a word of english. She raised me and my younger sister when my mom died. She wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if we couldn’t speak the mother tongue.” Katya smiled when she thought about her babushka. Then she frowned, “She passed away a few months ago.”

“I’m so sorry.” Trixie said, and, to Katya’s surprise, took her hand, stroking her thumb up and down the back of it comfortingly. She squeezed back, enjoying the way their hands fit together.

“Don’t be,” Katya laughed a little, “she was a tough bitch, she always said she wouldn’t die until she was damn good and ready. So she must have been ready. But-” Katya stopped herself.

“But?” Trixie asked.

Katya sighed, their first time hanging out and she was about to air all her dirty laundry, super smooth.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Trixie added quickly, “I didn’t mean to pry.”

“No no, you didn’t. It’s just- Now that my grandma is gone, my little sister has to go live with our Aunt. I keep getting these letters, not emails, letters, because my aunt won’t let her near a computer. It’s just her telling how bad it is, about how mean our uncle is, how much she hates it. I feel like I’ve abandoned her.”

“I’m so sorry Katya.” Trixie said, her eyebrows knitted up in concern.

“It’s fine.” Katya said a little louder than she intended, pulling her hand out of Trixie’s to wipe at her face, she hadn’t cried, but she needed to do something to dispel the energy that had been created by their conversation. “I’ve been working at the pawn shop to try and save up money for a plane ticket for her out here. That’s why I was late yesterday, no one knows I’m working there except Alaska. She won’t be able to stay at the academy until she starts manifesting her powers, but that shouldn’t be too long now. I can get another job and help her to pay for a small place until she does.”

There was silence and Trixie stopped walking.

“What?” Katya asked looking at the other girl.

Trixie was staring at her, kind eyes crinkled in a soft smile, “Nothing, you’re just a really good sister. A good person. I wish I’d had someone like you back in Milwaukee”

“Want to talk about it?” Katya asked, not sure if it was the right thing to do. It was the least she could do though, after Trixie had listened to her sob story.

Trixie smiled, but it didn’t really meet her eyes, “Eh, there’s not much to talk about. My step dad didn’t like me, and had super fun ways of showing it, and my mom didn’t really care.” She kicked a pebble with one of her white pumps and then turned to look Katya in the eyes, her big blue eyes filled with emotion, “I was worried about coming here you know. But I think it’s gonna be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” She smiled.

Katya smiled back and then cocked her head to the side, “This is very ‘Stand By Me.’”

“How so?” Trixie laughed, bringing the energy back to a lighter note.

“A couple of youths bearing their souls walking down a dusty train track.”

“I’m not sure I’d call us youths. I’m 20, and you’re so old you look about ready for the crypt, so-”

“You rotted whore!” Katya laughed. “Fine, this is very much like the movie Contact in that-”

Trixie cut her off with a loud exaggerated groan, “Katya I have known you less than two full days, and I have already had it up to here with you referencing that movie.” she moved her hand high above her head as she spoke.

“That’s just because you haven’t seen it.”

“Maybe so, maybe so, but I doubt it.”

They laughed and talked and walked a bit more. It was beginning to get dark when they got to a part of the track Katya was very familiar with. Off to the side was a train car that had fallen off the tracks a few years ago. Katya used to go there with Jamie when they were still together since she couldn’t bring her back to the academy.

“Who’s Jamie?” Trixie asked suddenly as they turned around and began walking home.

This caught Katya off guard, and it took her a second to realize that the other girl had heard her thinking.

“Can you not do that?” She asked, mostly joking.

Trixie frowned apologetically, “No, sorry.”

Katya sighed, “She’s my ex.” Trixie watched her as she picked up a rock with her mind and let it swing back in forth in front of her before letting it fall again. “We dated for a year. Got along like a house on fire. But I had secrets, and she didn’t like that. I couldn’t really tell her what goes on at the Academy, because that’s a major no no, but she thought I just didn’t trust her. It was pretty messy.”

“I’m sorry” Trixie said with a frown.

“Don’t be,” Katya smiled, “I ran into her recently, and we’ve been talking, I think things are going better this time. I really like her you know? And- You can’t tell anyone this alright?”

Trixie held out her pinky and smiled, “Promise.”

Katya cackled, but took her pinky in her own, “You’re a fucking child.”

“Whatever bitch!” Trixie screamed, “Spill unto me your deep dark demented secret.”

Katya laughed but acquiesced, “I showed her my powers.” At Trixie’s worried and surprised look Katya added, “That’s something I had never thought I’d do, but I really trust her Trix. I don’t believe in all that soul mate mumbo jumbo, but I think we’re right together, and I don’t think that happens often.”

Trixie smiled gently, “I won’t tell, I think that’s really sweet. Although I will say it’s a bit hypocritical of you to call anything mumbo jumbo when you regularly light things on fire with your mind, and scatter bones for good luck.”

Katya laughed, “Don’t knock it till you try it Barbie. You know what they say, ‘bones scattered, for a life that mattered, bones encased, and your life is a waste.”

Trixie stopped walking and looked at Katya a little stunned, “Did you just come up with that?”

“I did! I did!” Katya wheezed and flapped her hands around.

“I wish you hadn’t!” Trixie chuckled and shook her head and began walking again.

Katya screeched with laughter and Trixie soon joined in. The rest of their walk home was filled with laughter and playful insults.

–

To say that the day hadn’t gone how Trixie expected would be an understatement. She had expected some fun but slightly forced chit chat, get to know you small talk type stuff. Not tragic backstory time. She couldn’t say she was disappointed though. She liked Katya a lot, and was glad to have someone she could call a friend at the Academy. She had Kim of course, but that was different. She and Kim were in a sort of limbo between knowing each other and not knowing each other. A lot can change in 9 years, and neither of them were the same person they were when they were 11.

She smiled at something funny Katya said as they walked up to the large white academy building. It was somehow less intimidating now that she knew what it was like on the inside. As they stepped up to the gate, a taxi pulled up to the curb and a beautiful middle aged woman with white blond hair stepped out. As soon as Katya noticed her she stood up straighter, and stopped walking. Trixie followed suit, not really knowing why, but getting the feeling she was supposed to.

The woman was elegant, and poised. She wore her hair in a tight french twist, and had a rich mauve lipstick painted on her round lips. Her clothes fit tight to her body, but screamed sophistication, with their rich jewel tones. She held what was either a jacket or cape in one hand and a vintage louis vuitton suitcase in the other.  She walked up to the two girls and put her suitcase down on the sidewalk. Smiling, she took off her sunglasses and turned her beautiful pale green eyes onto Katya.

“Miss Zamolodchikova.” The woman smiled.

Katya straightened up even more and smiled brightly, “Hello Ms. Michaels. How was Paris?”

“It was lovely thank you for asking, but I must admit I’m glad to be back.” She suddenly leaned down and picked up her suitcase again, “Now would you do me a favor and take this up to my room for me? I want to have a chat with our new sister.”

Trixie watched as Katya grinned, “Of course!” She took the suitcase from the woman and then turned to Trixie, “I had a lot of fun! I’ll see you at dinner?”

“I assume so!” Trixie laughed weakly, a little unsure of what was going on. Katya smiled, and then turned and walked through the gate and then the front door, leaving Trixie stranded with this highly intimidating woman.

Green eyes suddenly turned to her, “Miss Mattel do you know the last time we had a clairvoyant witch living at the academy?” She asked, and then began to walk through the gate. Trixie quickly followed after her.

“Um, no?”

“Nearly 20 years ago,” She replied as they stepped through the front door, and turned to enter an office that Trixie had noticed in passing, but had paid little mind to until this moment, “A short while before I took over as supreme.” At this point the witch walked around to a large mahogany desk that sat at the center of the room and took a seat, then gestured for Trixie to sit across from her.

The room was painted a crisp white, like the rest of the Academy was, but was smartly decorated in warm woods and leathers, and oil paintings of other sophisticated looking women. Featured most prominently, right behind the desk was a painting of a beautiful dark skinned woman, with tall blond hair. She was statuesque and graceful, and seemed to command power and respect, even in painting form. Beneath the painting was a small golden plaque that read, ‘Founder & Supreme: Rupaul Charles.’

“What I’m trying to say Miss Mattel” Ms. Michaels continued, “Is that the gift that you and I share, is not one that this academy sees often. And it’s one that I believe needs to be nurtured.”

Trixie tore her attention away from the portrait behind the desk, “You and I? You’re clairvoyant too?”

“I am. And during my time at the academy, I was the only girl to have that gift. No one taught me how to deal with it, or how to use it to my advantage. No one showed me how it made me special.”

Trixie nodded, still not entirely understanding, but feeling that what was happening was important.

“I want to teach you Trixie. I know how overwhelming the voices can be. I want to help you learn how to control your gift. To only hear them when you need to, or when you want to.”

Trixie’s breath caught in her throat. She hadn’t known there even was a way to control her clairvoyance. She had resigned herself to a life of indefinite din. She was overjoyed to know there was another way.

“Here’s what I’m proposing.” Ms. Michaels said, “Two times a week, for two hours before dinner you and I will meet in this office and work. We will meet until I believe that you don’t need to any more. In this room and in this room only I will call you Trixie, and you may call me Chad. For those four hours a week, we will be peers, and I will help you develop into the powerful witch I am sure you’re destined to become.”

‘Chad’ stuck her hand out and Trixie heard her voice silky voice in her head ask Deal?

Trixie smiled and took her hand in her own, Deal. She thought back.