#missing step
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Mirion Malle’s “So Long Sad Love”
On July 14, I'm giving the closing keynote for the fifteenth HACKERS ON PLANET EARTH, in QUEENS, NY. Happy Bastille Day! On July 20, I'm appearing in CHICAGO at Exile in Bookville.
In Mirion Malle's So Long Sad Love, a graphic novel from Drawn and Quarterly, we get an all-too-real mystery story: when do you trust the whisper network that carries the fragmentary, elliptical word of shitty men?
https://drawnandquarterly.com/books/so-long-sad-love/
Cleo is a French comics creator who's moved to Montreal, in part to be with Charles, a Quebecois creator who helps her find a place in the city's tight-knit artistic scene. The relationship feels like a good one, with the normal ups and downs, but then Cleo travels to a festival, where she meets Farah, a vivacious and talented fellow artist. They're getting along great…until Farah discovers who Cleo's boyfriend is. Though Farah doesn't say anything, she is visibly flustered and makes her excuses before hurriedly departing.
This kicks off Cleo's hunt for the truth about her boyfriend, a hunt that is complicated by the fact that she's so far from home, that her friends are largely his friends, that he flies off the handle every time she raises the matter, and by her love for him.
There's a term for men like Charles: a "missing stair." "Missing stair" is a metaphor for someone in a social circle who presents some kind of persistent risk to the people around them, who is accommodated rather than confronted:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair
The metaphor goes like this: you're at a party and every time someone asks where the bathroom is, another partygoer directs them to the upper floor and warns them that one of the stairs is missing, and if they don't avoid that tread, they will fall through and be gravely injured. In this metaphor, a whole community of people have tacitly decided to simply accept the risk that someone who is forgetful or new to the scene will fall through the stair – no one has come forward to just fix that stair.
The origins of this term are in BDSM circles, and the canonical "missing stair" is a sexual predator, but from the outset, it's referred to all kinds of people with failings that present some source of frustration or unhappiness to those around them, from shouters to bigots to just someone who won't help do the dishes after a dinner party:
https://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html
We all know a few missing stairs, and anyone who's got even a little self-reflexivity must wonder from time to time if they're not also a missing stair, at least to some people in their lives. After all, friendship always entails some accommodation, and doubly so love – as Dan Savage is fond of saying, "There is no person who is 'The One' for you – the best you can hope for is the '0.6' that you can round up to 'The One,' with a lot of work."
And at least some missing stairs aren't born – they're made. Everyone screws up, everyone's got some bad habits, everyone's got some blind spots about what others expect of them and how others perceive us. When the people around us make bad calls about whether to let us skate on our faults and when to confront us, those faults fester and multiply and calcify. This is compounded in long-tenured relationships that begin in our youth, when we are still figuring out our boundaries – the people who we give a pass to when we're young and naive can become a fixture in our lives despite characteristics that, as adults, we wouldn't tolerate in someone who is new to our social scene.
To make all this even more complicated, there's the role that power plays in all this. Many missing stairs are keenly attuned to power dynamics and present a different face to people who have some authority – whether formal or tacit – to sanction them. This is why so many of the outings of #MeToo predators provoked mystified men to say, "Gosh, they never acted that way around me – I had no idea."
These men aren't necessarily clueless. There's a predator who once traveled in my circles, and when he was outed, it wasn't just men who were shocked. My professional and personal life includes a large cohort of socially and professionally powerful women to whom this "missing stair" presented an impeccable face on every occasion. None of the people this guy looked up to ever witnessed his behavior firsthand, and for complicated reasons, none of the lower status (younger, less experienced, and not exclusively female) people whom he preyed upon came to us.
Which brings me back to Cleo and Charles, and the mystery of what Charles did to Farah in art school, many years before. The people in Charles's circle have an explanation: Farah was Charles's first heavy crush, and he courted her in ways that crossed the line into harassment. But – according to Charles's friends – this was a temporary condition that Charles outgrew, and it was only later, when Charles was in a healthier relationship with someone who reciprocated his affections, that Farah retaliated by attacking him to their small art-school circle.
This is just plausible enough – Charles was young, still figuring stuff out, he made a misstep – that Cleo is able to console herself with it. But as Charles grows more irritable and belittling of her, and as Cleo's friends gently encourage her to dig further rather than burying her lingering doubts, a much uglier truth comes into view.
Malle handles this all so deftly, showing how Cleo and her friends all play archetypal roles in the recurrent missing stair dynamic. It's a beautifully told story, full of charm and character, but it's also a kind of forensic re-enactment of a disaster, told from an intermediate distance that's close enough to the action that we can see the looming crisis, but also understand why the people in its midst are steering straight into it.
This transitions into a third act where Cleo leaves Montreal and finds herself in the midst a very different social dynamic of people who have figured out a far healthier way to manage their interpersonal problems. This short conclusion is powerfully satisfying, showing how it's possible to live without missing stairs and without the immediate expulsion of anyone who has a "problematic" moment.
The missing stair phenomenon would be so much easier to deal with if every missing stair started out as an irredeemable monster. We could fix all those stairs and declare ourselves done. But – as Malle illustrates – there's a reason it's so hard to fix those missing stairs. Every good friendship has some give and take – but every missing stair takes too much. Knowing the difference is a skill you learn through hard experience, not one you're born with. Learning when to call someone out, and when to call them in, is a hard curriculum – and it's even harder to know when to keep trying to help the people in your life be better selves, and when to protect the other people in your life from their worst selves.
Malle's book is packed with subtlety and depth, romance and heartbreak, subtext that carries through the dialog (in marvelous translation from the original French by Aleshia Jensen) and the body language in Malle's striking artwork.
Support me this summer on the Clarion Write-A-Thon and help raise money for the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers' Workshop!
If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:
https://pluralistic.net/2024/06/25/missing-stair/#the-fog-of-love
#pluralistic#romance#comics#bandes desinees#books#reviews#lgbtq#graphic novels#gift guide#art#miron malle#missing step#metoo#gender
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I need some advice about what to do about a person who I believe to be a “missing stair” in my local community. are there any common practices with this type of situation? Idk how dangerous or not they are but it kills me to think that someone else could get hurt.
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firefighter show bisexual
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marlene is either girlfriend material or miss break-your-heart, no in-between
#marlene plz come back I miss and the kids do too#marlene mckinnon fanart#marlene with a happy trail#let her step on me#marlene plz one chance#marauders#art#marauders fanart#fanart#dorlene#marylene#lesbian marlene#marlene mckinnon
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uhh...he's right behind me, isn't he?
(tried to pull this joke in cosplay with @ingo-ingoing-ingone at ALA as they were handing out missing posters, but nobody really got it dfhsgdhs)
#submas#subway boss emmet#ingo and emmet#warden ingo#fanart#not oc#this was originally a drawing that looked more like blue and me which is why ingo is taller than emmet#but i changed it bc i wasn't liking how it was looking#so just pretend he's standing on a step or something GSJDHGSHJ#missing poster is based off the ones that blue printed off to hand out to people lol#some of you may even have one!
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It’s been a while since i stepped on this site 0_o
Anyway, here’s a drawing loosely based on A Glitch in Time I did a while back
#I’m sorry I stepped off the face of the earth (again)#I genuinely missed it here#but life sometimes gets complicated#also agit was amazing it had me foaming at the mouth#danny phantom#dp#danny fenton#a glitch in time#dp agit#my art
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Good morning, Sleepyhead.
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#'WWX was asleep for 4 days' is an incorrect factoid.#The average WWX sleeps for 8 hours. The PD-MDZS WWX who was asleep for 40 comics and 4 months is an outlier.#We are back to present day! I have missed drawing them!#Ah...the contrast between how the flashback ended (cold and distrustful) to how wwx wakes up (warm and watched over)...#The gap between the past and present is very important. Not just in this story but in our lives too.#The past can still hurt and it doesn't just go away with time as some say. It is the power of realizing that things have changed.#We can't get the good back. The bad memories have concluded. Those live somewhere else now.#It is hard to realize that you have to live for today and tomorrow. The past is so loud.#For WWX it is realizing that despite the mistrust in the past - He really does have faith that LWJ will be there for him.#It is the reflection of knowing that you changed and will keep changing and that change is good and kind sometimes.#But more importantly...and this I really do mean with all my heart:#It will all end up okay in the end. Even after the worst day. The most painful losses. You will get through it.#What feels like a breaking point is truthfully just another step you have to take. You'll get through it even though it feels like the end.#There are wonderful things you have yet to see. Friends you have yet to meet.#Even if it hurts so badly...one day it just aches. Someday you'll go a few weeks not remembering that it ever hurt.#Oh and because my izutsumi comic revealed many people were in need of hearing this:#You are loved. Right now. You are so loved right now. We just forget to tell each other that.#Go tell the people you love that they matter to you. I'm assigning you homework!!! You are graded on completion.
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Tav's POV: Embarrasing Rolan
I'm trying to draw again after 3 years of artblock. Not digging how the color version turned out so I posted black&white too
Rolan is verry bullyable
#bg3#rolan#bg3 rolan#i felt some joy that i missed for all those years#hopefully i will improve but small steps#art tag
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Get you someone who looks at you the way Nandor looks at Guillermo when he’s finally giving Nandor attention again who has missed him deeply
#what we do in the shadows#wwdits#nandermo#wwdits s6#wwdits s6 spoiler#spoiler#I’m crying why aren’t they together#Nandor actually listening to Guillermo is a major step up#I MISSED THEMMN#idc they’re canon to me#sorry it’s blurry I hope to get a HD ver soon 🤞
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meeting on the fire nation stairs [ids in alt]
#zukka#zukka fanart#myart#sokka#zuko#avatar the last airbender#atla#atla fanart#zuko fanart#sokka fanart#missed connections.....#something about both of them wanting to make a move before sokka thinks about going to the water tribe#but knowing that they have to focus on rebuilding the nations#and it could be catastrophic if people in the palace found out#zuko's new peaceful methods are already not putting him on good terms with the remaining officials#he's one step away from a coup#and yet#all he wants is to be with sokka#to have more than passing fleeting moments while dodging prying eyes in the court
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multi-step shenanigans
#akia art#olba#baxter ward#cove holden#derek suarez#cliff holden#leandra last#elizabeth last#jeremy king#olba mc#i've missed comics but i'm never drawing so many characters again 🤣#idr getting to lee's step 4 appearance so i'm just approximating#but she seems like a loves love sorta girl (and i love her)#actually does the game mention liz and lee's occupations#i vaguely recall it saying lee was a streamer but smth abt the memory feels surreal LOL#i also don't know if cove likes or dislikes pickles#we've made a lot of unsubstantiated claims w this one
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i'm sorry about this one guys
#i could only choose 12 women i am so sorry about everyone who is missing.......#i am trying#anyways my jurassic park star trek poll ended so i thought i'd make another and this seemed like the logical next step#trek thoughts#star trek poll#star trek#voyager#captain janeway#nyota uhura#seven of nine#jadzia dax#kira nerys#b'elanna torres#leeta#grilka#t'pring#guinan#the borg queen#ds9#voy#tng#tos#star trek women
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may I have this dance?
#our life#our life beginnings & always#olba#ol:ba#our life: beginnings & always#our life fanart#olba cove#olba fanart#our life cove#olba oc#our life oc#cove holden#cove#fanart#rkgk#my art#digital art#this wip has been sitting in my files for months but I decided to finish it#because summer#aka olba replay season#I miss you cove james holden…#soirée and charity moment collect#step 2 cove would accidentally step on mcs shoes lol#ballroom dancing
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✨ thoughts and prayers ✨
#fifteenth doctor#doctor who#Not sure about this one but who knows lol#If there are errors you don't see them 😭#doctor who spoilers#the doctor#my art#doctor who boom#mine#procreate#digital art#doctor who fanart#doctor who series 14#15th doctor#ncuti gatwa#fanart#anyway cool episode! the concept is literally so funny like.#"hear me out. the doctor steps on a landmine and can't move all epsiode”#and its great! return of the random quarry somewhere in wales i missed her
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Who is your favorite Zelda character?
who do u think lmao
#groose is a close second#but midna saved tp imo#at least the story#and like yeag the first zelda character with an actual arc hits really hard#like i love botw and totk's gameplay focus but i miss when zelda had good stories#and tp fumbled it a bit but midna was a good first step#with SS really delivering a well rounded story with multiple interesting characters who go through arcs#and i feel like botw and totk really walked that back#oh well#billion copies sold or whatever#prolly wont be getting a story focused zelda in a very long time#q.q
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so like…this is 100% why ivy had That Reaction to fig disguised as lucy, right? it wasn’t that she saw through the disguise, she just saw her once dead friend now revived (like the rest of the party had already been) and thought lucy finally chose ankarna (chose them)
#IM NOT CRAZY RIGHT?#‘we have to talk something out’ she was gonna fill her in on all she missed and their new next steps#lucy frostblade#ivy embra#rat grinders#they’re so crazy like god#i’m so excited to see more of their dynamic and what unfolded#dimension 20#d20#fantasy high#fhjy#fh#fhjy spoilers#vague ish but still
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