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kookiesjoonies · 5 years ago

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come home | myg.

another collab w/ my platonic soulmate, @ppersonna, abt bad hookups and how members of bts fix it n make you feel good. it took me awhile to get my part up, so i want to thank lindy for the millionth time for being so patient. i hope u all enjoy. read her part of this collab w/ jin here!

main pairing: min yoongi x reader (exes to lovers)

fic type: one shot

word count: 3.2k

genre: smut

warnings: language, mentions of smoking/nicotine, mentions of penetrative sex, dry humping, light dirty talk, fingering, oral sex (f. receiving), multiple orgasms, angst if you squint?, tiny amount of fluff (if i forgot any warnings, i apologize! i have been working on this over the course of a week or longer. if i missed anything major, let me know pls! xo)

summary: you just want to feel good. and seeing as how no one has been successful in making that happen for you, you go to the one person who never fails to get you off. who just so happens to be your ex boyfriend.

The last person in the world that Yoongi expected to be knocking on his door at eight o’ clock at night was you. You’d been broken up for over a year now, and sure, the two of you were on good terms. Hell, you even considered yourselves friends, but rarely ever did the two of you hang out or speak more than a few times a week through text messages.

So naturally, his first thought was that something was wrong. He was standing in the doorway, staring straight ahead at you, trying to read your face for any indication as to why you’d shown up at his house unannounced. Your expression was stoic, though, almost bored. Your hair was shorter though, he’d noticed. Had you gained weight? He couldn’t have been sure, but your thighs definitely appeared to be thicker, and your bra fuller than he remembered.

You caught him eyeing your cleavage and you rolled your eyes. Same old Yoongi, same old habits.

“Are you going to invite me inside?” You asked, arms crossed over your chest and effectively pushing your breasts up.

Yoongi was sure he would be drooling any moment now, and he hadn’t even heard a word you’d said. Fuck, he’d missed staring at you like this.

“Yoongi,” you reached a hand forward, pressing a freshly manicured finger underneath his chin and pointing it up toward your face, “my eyes are up here.”

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes, “And?”

You tilted your head to the side, eyebrows pushing together in annoyance, “Would you just move so I can come inside?”

He obliged, stepping away from the door frame and gesturing you, albeit dramatically, inside.

His house hadn’t changed much, but it definitely wasn’t as well kept as it was when you lived with him. The coffee table was cluttered with assorted take out boxes and half empty water bottles, and you never understood why he didn’t drink the entire bottle of water. It annoyed the piss out of you, and you were still convinced that was the only reason he did it.

Blankets and coats littered the sofa, throw pillows pushed off of the couch and onto the floor. You always hated when he did that. He claimed the pillows made the couch uncomfortable and hard to sit on, and you’d called him insane, telling him that the entire purpose of the pillows were to make it comfortable.

You were curious to see what his bedroom looked like. Well, you were mostly curious, and a tad bit frightened at the thought. Yoongi wasn’t a messy person, but he didn’t mind clutter. You, on the other hand, despised it.

Yoongi took note of the way your eyes danced around the room, taking everything surrounding you in.

“Yeah, it’s messy, I know.” His tone of voice shifted to one of nervousness. He was suddenly very aware that you we’re here, in the house the two of you used to share, for the first time in what felt like forever.

You sensed his awkwardness and turned your attention from the living room and into him, placing a hand gently around his bicep. He instantly relaxed under your touch. You always did know exactly what he needed and when he needed it. He still didn’t know how the fuck you managed to do that.

“I don’t care if it’s messy, Yoongi. I don’t live here anymore.”

“No, you don’t. Which brings me to ask, why are you here?”

“Actually,” you began, leaning against the back of his sofa as you slowly raked your eyes up and down his small frame, “I was wondering if you wanted to fuck.”

Your question clearly caught him off guard, his face immediately contorting into one of utter confusion. Eyes slightly widened, mouth agape.

“Hold on,” he shook his head, a poor attempt at collecting his thoughts as he tried to make sense of what you’d just proposed, “are you high?”

Was he serious? You rolled your eyes at him yet again, convinced they were going to get stuck in the back of your head.

“No, Yoongi. I am not high. I’m just horny, and want to fuck. Simple as that.”

He carded his long fingers through his hair, eyes focusing on yours and fully taking in your serious expression.

“You couldn’t find someone on tinder? I mean, not that I’m not flattered that you came all the way here, but. I’m just a bit confused.”

“I could’ve, yeah,” you nodded, “and I have, in the past. But I’m sick of bad hookups, I have to fake it half the time anyway. Nobody knows my body like you do. I just want to feel good, but if you don’t want to, or if it’s too weird then I can leave. No hard feelings.”

Yoongi took a minute to weigh out the pros and cons in his head. On one hand, he’d kill to be inside of you again. He’d had hookups of his own, sure, but none of them even came close to what you felt like. But on the other hand, you’d broken up for a reason. And this could complicate things.

Who was he to deny you, though? He never could, not when you were together, and he wasn’t about to start now. If all you wanted was to feel good, then goddammit, he was going to make sure that you did.

“Yeah, okay. Let’s do it.”

Your eyes grew wider than quarters, and you stared at him in disbelief, “Really?”

“Were you expecting me to say no?”

“I don’t..” you paused, “I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was hoping you’d say yes.”

“Well,” he took a single step forward, hands easily falling down and onto your hips, “I did.”

All it took was the feeling of his hands on you to make your breath catch in your throat. It’d been over a year since he’d last touched you, his hands felt like they were burning your skin through your shirt. You stared up at him, eyes fixated on his as his mouth slowly crept down and onto yours.

It felt like sparks of electricity were coursing through your veins. Your body instantly reacted, legs jumping up and off of the ground to wrap around his waist. He was quick to catch you, hands cupping your ass to hold you up and pressed against him. His lips moved against yours easily, his tongue gliding into your mouth and wrapping around yours perfectly. Kissing you was muscle memory, he knew every crevice of your mouth, which moves of his tongue would have you wrecked.

He took advantage of that, lapping and twirling his tongue against yours in a way that had you moaning into the kiss. The vibrations going straight from his lips and down to his dick, and you could feel him hardening against your thigh. Your hands found their way into the dark hair at the nape of his neck and you twirled it around your fingers, all the while giving a quick swivel of your hips that had Yoongi groaning into your mouth.

He carried you away from the couch and down the hallway into his master bedroom, kicking the door closed with his foot once inside. He had your back pressed up against it instantaneously, grinding his hips up and into yours at a steady pace. You were holding onto his neck for dear life, letting out a whine as he hit your clit perfectly.

“Y-yoongi! Right there, oh my God, do that again.” You pleaded, and he happily obliged by thrusting his hips in the exact same way, causing you to cry out and bite down on your lower lip. If he kept this shit up, you’d be cumming in your pants.

His lips were attached to your neck now, attacking the skin there with sloppy kisses and occasional suction. You knew there would be bruises, but you couldn’t be bothered to give a single fuck. Your body was elated, you felt like you were floating. And all of it was from a fucking make out session and dry humping. You couldn’t even begin to imagine how you were going to feel once he was finally inside of you. The thought of it alone had you soaking wet, and you could feel how damp your panties had gotten, sure that your jeans were soon to follow suit.

His hips never slowed, in fact, they only sped up. You were bouncing against him now, attempting to gather even more friction than what he was giving you. His fingers curled and squeezed your ass, holding you still as he ruthlessly humped against your core.

“Gonna cum for me, huh? Right here? With your clothes still on?” He was nipping at your jawline now, and the sounds you were making sounded like you were trying to speak, but nothing you were saying was coherent.

“What was that?” he rolled his hips hard against your aching cunt, and you immediately saw black, “Words, baby. Or I’ll stop right now.”

You panicked, trying to muster up any sort of response that you could manage, even if you did sound completely fucking pitiful.

“Yes! Oh my god, yes.” You mewled, and one final jolt of his hips had you coming undone.

Your thighs contracted around him, shaking and attempting to pull him closer and keep him trapped between your legs. Your hands were tugging on his hair, burning his scalp and causing him to groan at the sensation. Cries of his name and a slew of fucked out curses made their way past your lips as you came, head knocking back against the wooden door.

Yoongi had pulled away from your neck so that he could watch you, his eyes darkening with want as he witnessed you lose yourself from just grinding alone. He thought you’d never looked sexier than you did right now. And all he could think about was how badly he wanted to clean up the mess he’d just made in between your legs.

“Let me eat you out.” His voice was rough, raspy, and hot. How could you say no to that?

You hadn’t even completely come down from your high yet, stars still circling above your head as you blinked rapidly in an attempt to get them to go away. But still, you nodded.

He was quick to drop to his knees after setting your feet and shaky legs back down onto the ground. Your fingers threaded through his hair, hips pushing forward and toward his mouth. You’d never wanted— no, needed his tongue against you so badly before. But you couldn’t help the breathy laugh that pushed out of your throat.

“What’s so funny?” Yoongi prompted, mumbling against the skin of your lower abdomen as he pressed wet kisses there.

You lightly twirled his hair around your index finger, a small sigh making its way through your lips as you felt him begin to undo the button a zipper on your pants.

The whole situation was fucking hilarious to you. You ever imagined you’d be here again, with Yoongi in general, let alone with his head between your legs. But that was too heavy of a conversation to have at the moment. You knew that if you said such things, he’d want to have a deep, touchy feely talk and all you were interested right now was him making you cum for the second time today.

So, you decided to play your laughter off, sounding as nonchalant as possible.

“Just find it funny that our bed is two feet away from us, yet you’re still going to eat me out while you’re on the floor.”

Yoongi had taken to ridding you of those god forsaken jeans, kissing from your knee up to the tops of your thigh. His actions coming to a still in the middle of your sentence.

“Our? bed?” He cocked an eyebrow, deep irises flickering up to look straight at you.

“Just habit, I guess.” you shrugged it off, but internally, you were kicking your own ass for making such a slip up, “Are you going to go down on me, or not?”

Yoongi couldn’t stop the roll of his eyes. This was so fucking like you, brushing off your true emotions and covering them up with something sexual. Had you forgotten he knew you better than anyone else in the world?

Still, you’d come to him for a reason. You wanted to feel good. He was determined to follow through with your wishes, but made a mental note to get you to tell him how you were feeling afterwards.

“You’re so fucking bossy.” He spat out the words, though they weren’t laced with any real venom. It was too playful, too Yoongi.

You were going to offer him a smart ass remark, a witty comeback on the very tip of your lips. However, the feel of his tongue dragging through your folds had you moaning instead.

His arms linked around the backs of your thighs to hold you in place, keeping your cunt pressed firmly against his face as he nudged your clit with his tongue. A small, barely there flick that had you whining in a high pitched fashion. Your eyes had screwed shut, hand tangled in his hair and pulling it from the root.

One of his hands moved from your legs so that he could hover his index finger over your entrance, circling around it and gathering up your wetness. He groaned at the feeling, at how absolutely fucking soaked you were for him. It was something he never, ever got tired of. And it was definitely something he’d grown to miss.

All at once, he was pulling your clit into his mouth. Teeth lightly grazing it before he took his time suckling on the bud, quick, exasperated whimpers coming out of your lips as he did so.

You offered him fucked out praises, telling him how good it felt, how badly you wanted more. His finger pushed into you, and your walls immediately squeezed around it. Once you’d loosened back up, he added his middle finger and slowly began to fuck into you.

Your mouth was left agape at the feeling, his tongue now swirling at a steady pace against your bundle of nerves. Your nails dug into his scalp, and you’d begun to shamelessly ride his face. He was loving every minute of it, every wanton noise that came out of your mouth.

“I—I need—,” you stuttered, unsure of exactly what it was that you needed from him, “God, Yoongi, please—”

Even when you didn’t know, he always seemed to. His long fingers curled inside of you, arching and pressing against that glorious spot that had you screaming out a line of curses.

He quickened the pace of his tongue up, the speed of it ruthless against your clit now. Your eyes were beginning to well up, and you were sure you’d never felt pleasure like this before. Not even from him. There was something about this time that made it feel like you were floating on cloud nine. And you never, ever wanted to come down. You wanted his head buried between your thighs for an eternity.

One more push of his fingers and lick of his tongue had you bucking your hips against his face, and you weren’t sure how he was managing to breathe. Your lower stomach was knotting, heat spreading from your core throughout your entire body as your orgasm washed over you. Both of your hands were in his hair now, gripping onto the soft strands of it with all of your might. You were squirming, trying to get closer to him, and away from him all at the same time.

Black dots were all that you could see, your head spinning and making you feel like you were floating off of the ground. Your chest was rising and falling rapidly as you attempted to catch your breath and regain your composure.

You groaned at the empty feeling as you felt Yoongi pull his fingers out of you, glancing down at him just in time to watch him insert the digits into his mouth and swallow your release. Your eyes rolled back at the sight, a huff leaving your lips.

“You’re going to be the death of me.” You joked, and he rewarded you with a chuckle as he stood up and pressed his lips to yours, pushing his tongue into your mouth with ease.

You could taste yourself on him, and that alone had you aroused again and ready for orgasm number three. And hopefully four and five. You could feel yourself growing wet again, and took the opportunity to grab one of his hands and bring it down and onto your soaked pussy.

He groaned into the kiss, tongue moving with more fervor, more hunger.

You were pulling back, and he was chasing your lips with his. You giggled at his actions, your fingers toying with the fine strands of his hair.

Without giving it a second thought, he was lifting you off of the ground again and taking quick strides toward the bed.

It seemed like the two of you had spent the better part of the night fucking. But by your fifth orgasm, you were too fucked out, and way too sensitive to do it again. You could barely walk, your legs the equivalent of Jell-O. Yoongi insisted over and over that you just spent the night with him, offering to take the couch if that would make you more comfortable.

“I just spent the last two hours with your dick buried inside of me,” you pointed out, “I think we can share a bed.”

He laughed as he laid beside of you, still completely naked and on full display for you.

“Touché.”

“I need a cigarette, but I can’t even walk to get them out of my jeans.” You groaned as you stared at your pants lying in front of the door, and you could hear Yoongi sighing beside of you.

“What?” You cocked an eyebrow, rolling onto your side so that you could face him.

“You know how I feel about you smoking. I wish you’d quit that shit.”

“Well,” you started, “at least you don’t have to smell it on a daily basis anymore. You know, since I don’t live here.”

“Eh,” he shrugged, turning over on his side to match your position, “kind of miss it.”

Your eyes slightly widened, and you were left speechless. Because what were you supposed to say to that?

Yoongi sighed, giving you a quick roll of his eyes.

“Come on, Y/n. What are we doing?”

“I don’t know what you mean.” You lied.

“You mean to tell me you don’t feel comfortable right now? Like we never stopped this in the first place? Never stopped.. us?” He studied your face as he waited for your answer, fingers instinctively reaching out to trail along the curve of your bare hip.

“Yoongi..” You sighed, unsure of what else to say. Because he was right. This felt normal. It felt right.

“Just come home.” His voice was sincere, his eyes soft and pleading as he looked at you.

Usually, this was the kind of big decision you’d have to think about, outweigh all of the pros and cons. But this time, you didn’t hesitate to respond. Because this was Yoongi, and he was home.

“Yeah,” you nodded, gently rubbing your thumb along the top of his cheek as you offered him a gentle smile, “okay.”

#yoongi #min yoongi #yoongi imagine #yoongi smut #bts #bts smut #bangtan #yoongi x you #yoongi x reader #yoongi x y/n #yoongi angst #yoongi fluff #bts scenarios #bts reactions #bts suga #suga imagine #min yoongi imagine

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woeisme-iamwoe · 4 years ago

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an absolutely massive Haikyuu!! fic rec pt. 2

IwaOi this time around. My favorite ship. The world’s favorite ship...there’s so many

Undecipherable, by ioo (4k. G. canonverse)

I’m pretty sure the author meant ‘indecipherable’, nevertheless! I am appalled that this work doesnt have more hits. Y'all are sleeping on it and that's not okay.

The sound of the door slamming against the wall has Hajime startling back to the present. He looks at the source of the disturbance and finds himself face to face with Oikawa, red in the face with breathlessness and a leather-bound notebook tightly clutched in both of this hands. When he spots Hajime, he makes a beeline for the bench and slaps it down right next to him.

"Koi no yokan," he says. "The sense one can have upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love."

primavera, by tothemoon (8k. T. canonverse)

All of tothemoon’s works read so beautifully

They say it takes twenty-six years, for certain breeds to fully bloom.

Learning to Walk (So That We Can Run), by ricekrispyjoints (27k. M. canon-divergence)

I've read this work so many times. Like, so many times and I’ve never tired from it. Gorgeous. The shift from friendship to romance felt so natural, love it.

"I'm not healing like I should be."

In his second year of university, physical therapy just isn't cutting it. Oikawa's knee is getting worse, and he can't hide it anymore.

Or: the light angst, project-your-own-life-experiences-on-Oikawa knee surgery fic you didn't know you wanted.

Priorities, by weirdmilk (2k. T. canonverse)

Kissy, kissy.

‘I just -’ Oikawa begins, ‘it might be difficult to get married, sometimes, I think.’ He chews on his lip.

Iwaizumi makes a questioning noise.

‘Ah,’ Oikawa says, and then, in a rush, ‘if I didn't want a wife at all - what then? If I said that to you. If I told you I can’t see it. Like - the wedding dress. The bride. I just can’t see it.’

Iwaizumi swallows again, his heart beating much faster than the conversation warrants. He wonders whether Oikawa can hear it. ‘You’re eighteen. You aren’t supposed to see it yet.’ He snorts. ‘I mean - if we’re sharing shit, I’ve never even kissed a girl.’ He doesn’t mind admitting it. It’s not something that bothers him - he’s never prioritised girls very highly, and despite Oikawa’s largely undeserved status as Miyagi’s most eligible teenage bachelor, he doesn’t think Oikawa has ever wanted a serious relationship with any of his fan club, either.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi can't sleep before their first practice match with Karasuno.

Before Midnight, by fathomfive (2k. G. canonverse)

Reads like a fairytale.

The sky turns, the seasons turn over, and Iwaizumi and Oikawa track the movements of the stars. Nothing is ever quite constant, but it's close enough.

The grass is stiff with frost. They walk in silence past the raked-over vegetable garden and up the back hill, footsteps crackling, and stand side-by-side at the top of an incline that used to seem much bigger. Iwaizumi glances over but Oikawa’s already gone, eyes searching the sky with no hint of hurry, just a kind of reverent patience.

make a bet, keep a promise, by raewrites (13k. M. canonverse)

Bet still on.

Sometimes, in still moments, Iwaizumi wonders why out of all the people on earth he ended up with Oikawa Tooru. Why it’s his face that lingers on his fading conscious in the last moments before he falls asleep, in the first blurry seconds upon waking up again. Why when he looks to his side, he expects Oikawa to be there in the same way he expects to see five fingers on both hands, a natural extension of himself, ever present.

Why he can’t imagine a future without Oikawa in it.

It begins with a bet made between the two boys in the mid-summer of their eighth year. It starts with volleyball, but like with most things involving Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime, things are never quite that simple.

our hearts still beat the same, by knightswatch

two birds, by thelittlebirdthattoldyou (5k. T. canonverse)

Of heartbreaking letters and paper crane wishes.

Five months into the term, two months after he’s stopped replying to Oikawa’s texts, the first package arrives. A small square box, wrapped in brown paper and tied with string, and Hajime almost trips over it on the way to his dorm.

There’s a letter attached.

Oikawa doesn’t know how many times he’ll have to put his feelings down on paper before Iwaizumi believes them.

Through My Eyes, by anchoringsouls (2k. G. canonverse)

Okay! Okay, we were doing great with the soft, happy love up until the last part! That's great, just great!

“I think if you ever saw yourself through my eyes, you would fall in love with yourself the same way the way I did with you.”

in time it could be ours, by deusreks (3k. T. canonverse)

Anyone wanna go back in time and make a time capsule with me only to dig it up years later and we’re actually in love?

Set post Seijou's match with Karasuno. There's a moderate amount of rolling in the dirt. No pajamas were hurt in the writing of this fic.

There, in their joint backyard, was Oikawa Tooru, clad in his silly luminescent space pajamas, digging a hole near a cherry tree.

“What the hell, Oikawa.”

Tooru stubbornly continued digging. He looked pitiful in that moment; everything that was grand about him in daylight was meaningless in the darkness. He was only a boy with a shovel whose broken heart mirrored Hajime’s own.

we can do better than that, by spaceburgers (16k. M. canonverse)

Of course, of course, the IwaOi road trip fic. AnD thErE wAs ONly OnE bED!

Oikawa and Iwaizumi go on a road trip during the summer after their high school graduation. It doesn't go as expected, but maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

They Say it Rains Diamonds on Jupiter, by exsao (35k. T. canonverse)

I don't know, just gorgeous. Hajime’s so in love.

"You're in love with him."

Hajime considers denying it. He considers deliberately choking on his drink to express surprise, to create a distraction by spitting onto the man in front of him's pristine white shirt and causing a commotion. Instead, he swallows his mouthful of soda and heaves a small sigh once his mouth is free.

"Yeah," he says instead.

He's never been good at lying, anyway.

Midnight boys/sunset town, by carafin (10k words. T. Housemates AU):

The author says they played off of the fact that Oikawa oftentimes forgoes his sleep in order to work, and wrote it so that he doesn't sleep at all. This was so cute, kinda sad, mostly not. Love how Iwaizumi just goes along with whatever crazy stilch Oikawa is on.

In which Iwaizumi Hajime grows a few chili plants, participates in an eating contest, breaks into a park, and falls in love with a man who doesn't ever sleep - not exactly in that order.

5 Reasons Why Iwaizumi Hajime's Flatmate Is A Complete Weirdo (An Incomplete List)

1. He's obsessed with that stupid bucket list of his.

2. He's the proud owner of seven truly ugly, criminally hideous movie posters with aliens on them, which he insists on pasting all over the damn living room.

3. He's always stealing Hajime's sweatshirts.

4. Sometimes, he wakes Hajime up for breakfast. At 5AM. On Saturday mornings.

5. He literally never, ever sleeps.

The Best I Ever Had, by FindingSchmomo (62k words. T. Canon-divergent):

You’ve read it, your mum’s read it, your dog has probably read it (you really need to take facial recognition for him off your phone, he’s got some weird nighttime habits). So basically this fic caused me physical pain and then pumped me full of morphine and now I’m good! Beautiful read, hated Oikawa for a while, Iwaizumi is the only boy I would ever feel safe alone with.

A story of separation and time lost. Oikawa and Iwaizumi lose contact, and life goes on. Now, a decade later and back in Japan, Oikawa wonders if he can pick the pieces back together, despite knowing Iwaizumi has moved on. A story of their past, present and future, pieced together by shaky hands.

darlin', your head's not on right, by aruariandance (13k words. T. canonverse)

Again, I’m pretty sure anybody who's anybody has read this fic and for good reason! Super sweet realizing you're in love fic. Makes me reconsider wanting to get married.

'“Our wedding,” Oikawa says by way of explanation, tapping his finger against his magazine more emphatically. “What colors should we use? Color scheme is important, apparently.”

Iwaizumi feels his lifespan shortening.

“I was thinking our Aoba johsai colors to go for more, you know, softer tones? Besides, I’ve always looked great in that sea foam green color. Oh, and I guess you look decent in it, too.” He grins, saccharine sweet, and Iwaizumi has never been so tempted to knock one of his perfect pearly white teeth right out of his stupid mouth."

or,

Oikawa teases Iwaizumi about a childhood promise he made to marry him when they were older, except suddenly it's not really a joke at all.

the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle, by kittebasu (66k. T. canon divergent)

Is this one of the most famous Iwaoi fic? I don’t know. Looks like it, I know it's my personal favorite. Where Oikawa studies bugs for a living and can’t seem to come to terms with his feelings. Very angsty, love that in a fic.

Tooru is pretty sure he could manage the mating habits of a mosquito. It’s the mating habits of people he can’t seem to get right.

Terrarium, by sausaged (11k. T. Post-canon)

Honestly, I’m so surprised this fic doesnt have more hits! It’s so good! Made me ache! I love the memories and character growth shown through the growing of the terrarium, absolutely adore that kind of symbolism. So beautiful, give it some love because it's one of my absolute favorites.

He's practically a professional at being proactive (lies, lies, and lies when it comes to Iwaizumi).

At this point, is he really happy with just staying best friends forever? Will he be writing journals and collecting rocks forever (he will, he knows, but that is aside from the point)?

Can he really tag his Instagram photos with #YOLO if he doesn't actually put that phrase into practice?

A story about Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime, plants, and rocks.

Lips like sugar, by ohhotlamb (8k. T. canonverse)

Why did my childhood best friend never offer to help me practice kissing only for us to realize we were only interested in each other? I had a fake high school experience.

Hajime is offered to learn the art of kissing from a true professional, one Oikawa Tooru. It's not as bad as he thought it would be.

Falling Slowly, by bravely (commovente) (3k. T. canonverse)

So special, imagine loving one person, and one person only like this for the entirety of your life. This is getting too sappy, I want off of this ride.

over the years, some things change; but over the years, some things stay mostly the same.

(alternatively, mornings with oikawa and iwaizumi over the years).

No sleep in the city, by loveclouds (7k. T. canonverse)

Mass/volume = Iwaizumi, apparently. (Please. If anyone gets this absolutely horrific joke, lets elope).

Along their journey to find Tokyo's best ramen, Iwaizumi finds himself asked again and again why Oikawa is still single.

Time, by surveycorpsjean (5k. E. canonverse)

Growing older together.

When they're twenty-three, their story only begins.

Everything With You, by Ellessey (14k. E. canonverse)

Came damn near to crying, you can just feel Iwaizumi’s pain. Fight scene was probably the most emotion evoking one I’ve read in a long while.

‘Hajime still loves Oikawa, but he understands now. Oikawa can't look at him and see someone he could potentially date.

And that makes it easier to not focus on the little things that used to drive him crazy—Oikawa's long legs, the way he's always hanging off of Hajime, how his whole face changes when he gets ready for a jump serve, and he looks like he could take on the entire world and win.

This new arrangement though, this living together situation, is presenting a new set of variables that must be adjusted to, and the nakedness is one of them.’

For years, being Oikawa’s best friend has worked out fine. Hajime is hopelessly in love with him, but it’s enough. Then Oikawa—who, by all accounts, has never been anything but determinedly, assuredly straight—gets a boyfriend. Or a boy friend-with-benefits. Hajime doesn’t know, and he doesn’t give a shit about the definition.

What he knows is that remaining best friends is starting to seem a bit too painful (way too painful) to be considered a solid option.

The Best Best, by rikke (12k. T. canonverse/future fic)

Takeru is a whole mood. Don’t want kids, but I do want domesticity and this fic feeds me well.

“Congratulations, Iwa-chan! You’re a dad!” Iwaizumi hears as soon as the door opens. He’s dealt with Oikawa for all of his twenty-one years of age now, but this declaration is still sufficiently disturbing enough that he turns from his place on the couch and braces himself for whatever Oikawa has done this time.

Or the one where Iwaizumi and Oikawa babysit Takeru for a week.

cheek kisses, by ohhotlamb (G. 3k. Future fic)

Sooo cute!!

“Every time,” Hajime murmurs, “every time I see you again I remember how fuckin’ crazy I am about you.”

Routine, by snoqualmie (2k. T. canonverse)

Again, anyone wanna be my childhood best friend so we can put face masks on each other and fall in love? I died, truly.

Iwaizumi is fourteen years old, horny too often and angry all the time, and he’s just starting to notice that Tooru’s legs are really long, that his lips are kinda soft looking, and his fingers feel good pressed under his jaw.

Thirty Years and Change (the Games of the XXXIII Olympiad, by sunsmasher (19k. G. canon divergence)

Be wary, I would give this fic an upper rating to probably Teen and the follow-up fic is Explicit. But, Oikawa on the Japanese national team is just a dream as is, but add in a rekindling friendship and an angsty make out sesh? Mwah, delizioso.

It’s July 10th, 2024, and Oikawa Tooru is an Olympian. His smiling face airs on an NHK promo every 45 seconds. He’s captain of the national men’s volleyball team, reigning star of the professional leagues, and he hasn't spoken to Iwaizumi Hajime in two years.

He has, however, sent Iwaizumi tickets for the 2024 Los Angeles Summer Games.

“So go,” says Matsukawa's voice. “It’s only a few weeks. You’ve got a whole city to hide in if it gets awkward, and if it doesn’t get awkward, well…”

It’s like watching the future reconfigure, like being in high school again, watching team after team fall to Oikawa’s faultless planning and shameless charm.

“I’ll get to watch a whole lot of volleyball,” Hajime says, and resigns himself to fate and/or Oikawa Tooru.

“Hey, when you get there, can you bag a gymnast for me?” Hanamaki asks, and Matsukawa squawks.

Chasing Paper Suns, by carafin (10k. T. Future fic)

Again with the growing up and coming back together, this time with more angst than the last. Lovely, really lovely read.

Post-high school, Oikawa makes it to the national volleyball team but Iwaizumi doesn't. The next three years become an exercise in growing up without growing apart.

Some days Hajime likes to think of himself as Oikawa’s counterpart—the two of them blending into a single devastating unit, the invincible setter and his unyielding ace, the bond between them unbreakable and true. Other days he feels like he is chasing after a rising sun, always running and running with his eyes fixed on the distance, trying to cross a chasm that stretches on without end, caught in an endless and exhausting pursuit.

the yellow room, by ohhotlamb (14k. T. canonverse/future fic)

Makki and Mattsun see bullshit and call you out on your bullshit.

“I told you, we broke up like six months ago. We’re not dating anymore.”

Hanamaki eyes him suspiciously. “You live together.”

“Yeah, so?”

“There are pictures of you two kissing stuck to your refrigerator.”

Hajime shrugs. “That wasn’t my idea. Anyways, they’re good pictures. Good lighting.”

the river runs, by tothemoon (11k. T. post-breakup)

My heart ACHES. Happy ending, promise! Just read it.

One year since their breakup, Oikawa Tooru starts a list of daily reminders, tips, and tricks called HOW TO FORGET ABOUT IWAIZUMI HAJIME, and he’s determined to make it stick.

—

This is a firsthand account of how to deal (and rather spectacularly, at that).

I sure hope that guy gets fired, by Xov (29k. T. canonverse/time loop au)

The only thing better than one confession, is MULTIPLE confessions. Oikawa trusts Iwaizumi unshakably, and that's beautiful.

It was the fourth time experiencing the exact same day that Iwaizumi Hajime reluctantly admitted to himself that something was very wrong.

my only friend was the man in the moon (until i met you), by ohhotlamb (7k. T. canonverse)

Just so innocent and sweet. Oikawa said ‘effort’.

In which Oikawa has a life-altering revelation, and Hajime is starting to think it involves him.

Bet On It, by originalblue (13k. E. canonverse)

Tooru being nice for a week? That can only end one way… with a d*ck in Hajime’s mouth.

Hajime knows exactly how shitty Oikawa's personality is, and has no scruples whatsover about betting Oikawa six thousand yen that he can't be nice for an entire week.

especially for tender ones like us, by viverella (17k. T. canonverse/post break-up)

Gods! See? See what I mean? How could I forget about a work as heart wrenchingly beautiful as this? Give it some love, actually, all of the love.

The worst part of it all, Tooru thinks to himself sometimes, is that even as they fought and kicked and screamed and tore each other to shreds, it was never that Tooru stopped loving Iwaizumi any less. The worst part of it all, he thinks, is that loving Iwaizumi turned out to not be enough.

(OR: on finding the right person at the wrong time and learning how to pick up the pieces)

sunset town, by skiecas (33k. T. canon-divergent)

Another work that I just CANNOT understand why it doesn't have more hits. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I almost cried.

In the summer of 2020, Oikawa Tooru returns home from his first successful stint as captain of Japan’s national volleyball team. In one hand, he holds the undisputed weight of an Olympic medal, and in the other, his unresolved feelings for a childhood best friend.

Two years down the road, reconciling his lifelong dream with his lifelong love proves to be the greatest challenge.

of odd numbers and intimate regrets, by bravely (commovente) (5k. T. post-canon/one night stand au)

Basically, Tooru and Hajime sleep together after not speaking for seven years and of course there’s feelings and angst and a belated chance at happiness and a life together.

Tooru’s spent the last seven years of his life in a carefully constructed schedule that is, he realises now, as much a habit as it was a way to forget about the person in front of him.

[or, the one night stand AU between two people more than friends but not quite lovers, measuring the passage of time in distance and long-gone memories, the expansion and contraction of the spaces between their fingers each time.]

cross my heart, open wide, by acchikocchi (7k. T. canonverse)

Super cute, super short. Realizing you're on a date with the wrong person one-shot.

For a minute Hajime doesn't know what to say. Everything and nothing crowds his mind, leaving no room to think. That he's never tried this. That volleyball's over. That he's graduating in five months. That it would be really nice, at least once, to go on a date with a good-looking guy.

Hajime goes on a date. It's not with Oikawa.

Fernweh, by oikawashoyo (19k. G. canonverse/post time skip)

A mature(ish) Tooru?? I love works that show Tooru growing and living happily in Argentina and this one is just beautiful. (Plus! Plus, Skai did a piece on it as well and I love ALL their work so you can visualize everything). Love it.

Argentina is stretching out before him, an opportunity, a challenge. He is reminded of his losses, his insecurities, his disappointments; sees them form a tall, tall wall blocking his path to success. He takes a deep breath and knows he is going to shatter it.

In which Oikawa's whole life is spent longing for the horizon — in the form of a dream, a home, and a boy.

i breathe easily in your arms, by orphan_account (2k. M. canonverse)

Soft, soft sex

When, after completing their high school graduation ceremony and heading home to enjoy their freedom, Oikawa had pulled him into his room and pressed his lips hesitantly against Iwaizumi’s own, it seemed an inevitable development in the unfolding narrative of their shared existence.

Despite years of having a bed to himself, the sensation of another body taking up space in his sheets, curling against his chest, creating warmth, feels natural in much the same way.

old and new, by Mysecretfanmoments (5k. T. canon divergence)

Finally a fic where they don't freak out on confession and it's sweet.

“You seem—sad.” Was that the right word? Others sprang to mind: desperate, lonely, anxious.

Tooru looked away. “Are you going to make me say it?”

“Say what?”

Tooru folded his arms, sighed. “I missed you, of course.”

Hajime swallowed.

“No need to look that way. I told you, I’m not one of your macho man buddies. I’m allowed to say stuff like that without being embarrassed—”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Hajime complained. “No need to be so defensive. I’ve missed you too.”

“Oh?” Tooru seemed to get a little of his own back, leaning forward on his elbows. “What about me did you miss?”

((Going to separate universities, Hajime and Tooru learn the true meaning of "distance makes the heart grow fonder"))

all i wanted was you, by spaceburgers (6k. E. college/fwb au)

This was more emotional than I thought a 6k friends with benefits fic could be, okay? Okay.

Wherein Hajime and Tooru are fuck buddies, Hajime curses his treacherous heart, and Tooru is bad with feelings.

we shine like diamonds, by whitemiists (26k. T. canon divergence)

I couldn't not include this work. It deals with internalized homophobia so well and I really resonate with it.

In all seriousness, I’m very lucky to live in a country where my sexuality is widely accepted and my heart goes out the LGBTQIA+ peoples who are forced to hide themselves. You are loved and your sexuality and gender-identity are not wrong and never will be.

Oikawa is nine when he first hears the word. The boys on the playground whisper it like it's dirty, like the way they daringly mutter the word fuck and then look over their shoulders to check their parents hadn't heard.

"You know Abe-kun from class?" they snicker, hands cupped around their mouths like they're passing along a filthy secret. "I hear his older brother is... gay."

Look For Him, by Leryline (18k. E. canonverse)

A collection of kisses. I love Hajime’s grandmother.

She laughs gently. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so heartbroken before, Hajime.”

Iwaizumi sighs and prods at the mackerel with a chopstick. “Sorry. I can’t help it. It’s just different, you know? Like Oikawa pissed me off so much that now he’s not here I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“But you weren’t always annoyed with him, were you?” his grandmother smiles serenely and takes a sip of her tea. “My, my, Hajime, old women see everything. I saw you out there with my finches, when you were kissing Tooru’s nose. Your mother and father used to do the very same thing, you know, when they were younger. And look how long they’ve lasted. I hope you and Tooru last, Hajime. He’s very good for you.”

Oikawa has kissed Iwaizumi more times than either of them can count; it’s a constant thing, their lips never really leaving the other’s skin. There are, however, times when they’ve kissed that are burned into their memories. Eight of them, to be precise.

film reel life, arsenicjay (8k. T. canon divergence)

Such a unique and creative idea! Reading from the eyes of a camera, so beautiful!

The only person Iwaizumi is lying to is himself, when he insists: I am not in love with Oikawa Tooru.

how to let your planets align, by tether (tothemoon) (15k. T. end of the world au)

This is the only remotely non-happy ending fic I will be including on here, and it's purely because it's a gorgeous read. And yes, I ached. Your lips, my lips, apocalypse.

It is the last day on earth, December 2nd, 1985, when you realize you're in love with him.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu fic #haikyuu fic rec #iwaoi #iwaizumi x oikawa #Iwaizumi Hajime #oikawa tooru

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heresathreebee · 4 years ago

Text

That G-D Ring of Yours

High Fidelity’s Robyn Brooks X Female reader

Summary: You seek comfort from your neighbor Rob

Masterlist

There's probably gonna be a part 2

Word count: 2.5k words

Warning(s): +15 | implied cheating, internalized homophobia, heterosexism, author and Rob swearing, no hate to polyamorists but major hate to bad faith players, shameless self insert, no beta, barely edited, long as fuck I'm so sorry

Author's note: I'm having anxiety for no discernable reason and my brain has decided this is ideal fuel for a fic, so please enjoy. EDIT: ha ha yeah still anxious but we're doing stuff about it

-------------------------------------------------------

"-- And she just touched my hand by accident and I just felt this– this spark between us…"

It was so sweet how he was talking about it. Or at least it would be were this not your fiancé explaining how he had been seeing another person behind your back. Had you rushed into things with him? Gotten hitched after three months because of familial pressure to settle down and start your family? Quite possibly.

But it didn't make that stabbing in your gut hurt any less.

You had been a little gung-ho from date number 1, but he had been right there with you the whole time. Date number 2 happened the following weekend and then you just kept seeing each other more and more until before you knew it you had been introduced to each other's extended families and announced your engagement on Valentine's Day.

You started to suspect something was amiss on Sunday, when you were braiding your hair on the bed and he had gone to take a shower. He accidentally set his phone screen aside with a text chat still open. Thinking nothing of it (he had already told you he was talking to Mark about getting drinks tonight), you looked at the name and saw it belonged to a woman you had never heard of before. Your immediate reaction was 'she must be a new coworker or a cousin,' but then you glanced again and saw the text conversation mirrored the same kind of ‘sentiments’ he texts you.

The dirt burned into your brain for eternity:

You had looked away then. You were actually not going to say anything at all to him that night– had planned to bring it up after Tuesday dinner with your auntie's family, but something came up. It turns out that Jessabelle also frequented the same Starbucks as you (and she's your age, not a teen like you worried). You can't even find it in you to be mad at her since it seemed like she had no idea who you were when she showed you the picture of her date at a baseball game. You tried not to puke as you asked for her number and to send her that picture "for her contact profile."

You hadn't heard a word your fiance had said since the beginning of the phone call and you cut him off with some excuse you barely remember. You tossed your phone carelessly onto the couch and laid back on the cushions in defeat. What now?

You weren't really a drinker or a smoker, and you didn't exactly have friends who would be supportive right now. You could hear them now, your family too– asking you what you did wrong, telling you to just forgive him or how to get even, or simply saying 'well what do you expect? Boys will be boys.'

Maybe… no, you definitely need to get this off your chest before you do something stupid like pretend to forget about it. You had a bad habit of that because you tend to fall fast and hard. Perhaps your neighbor could give you some advice.

Thank the Lord for fire escapes. Rob lived on the floor beneath you, always playing something good from her huge collection of vinyl records. You've told her at least a hundred times before if she played nothing but Phil Collins for the rest of eternity, you could die happy. You crossed your fingers and hoped you weren't being weird or invading her privacy.

Thankfully, she seemed to be expecting you. She even motioned that the latch was undone and waved you inside. Ok the second wine glass made your face grow hot.

"I'm not interrupting am I?"

Rob gave you a warm smile. "I could hear you pacing around your kitchen for about an hour. Was about to come and get you actually."

She pressed the glass into your hand and you made an effort not to grimace. Rob liked her drinks cheap and strong and she never held back. You tried a sip just to be polite, and she snorted at the face you pulled.

"That's right, you like that sweet stuff. What's it called again?"

"Stella Rosa," you mumbled, grateful when she takes the glass back and hands you a water to replace it.

"Favorite flavor," she asked looking at her phone.

"Uh… the peach and the rosé. They're all pretty good, not gonna lie."

"OK, take this, grab a blanket from the hall closet, and tell me what's going on."

You curled up on Rob's couch and put your feet up. There were piles of records all over the place, empty beer cans and a pizza box or two on the coffee table. Your neighbor tapped away at her phone screen before silencing it and slipping it in her back pocket. She gave you a minute or two to speak up, sipping her drink like you two had all night. Which actually you did as you did not want to see your fiancé right now.

You felt two fingers gently tap your forehead. "Come on, dreamer, tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

You swallow the lump in your throat. "I feel a little over dramatic saying my life is about to fall apart."

Rob raised her eyebrows at you. "Damn, OK."

You rush to correct yourself– explain your weird sentiment in more detail but you end up just vomiting words until your voice is hoarse.

"I mean– like– like it's not falling apart per say or whatever– I… the rest of my life is fine its just my relationship that's screwed. Which I guess I'm more worried about because it's gonna screw up all my other relationships for a while too– dang it, let me start over–"

"Babe! Slow down. Breathe." Rob switched drinks with you and against your better judgement you took a sip. Oddly enough it did calm you down. "So… it's your fiancé, right? What did he do?"

You stared at her trying to unscramble your thoughts. "He… I found out he was kind of... dating another person. After I found out, he tried to explain that he didn't think I would mind–"

Rob barked, "let me guess: he didn't think you were exclusive? Pull the Main Chick, Side Chick schtick? Tried to claim 'polyamory' after he got caught?"

Two and two clicked together at last. "Yeah… yeah, he did!," you scoffed, "and it's not like it didn't ever come up in conversation: we spent our third date talking out our, like, sexualities and fantasies and fetishes and shit. If he was polyamorous, wh- why wouldn't he have brought it up then?"

"That is so fucked."

You took a deeper draft of her wine, coughing before setting it aside. Up until now, you've been numb. Now there's this wave of anger boiling up to the surface and you hear yourself getting louder. Rob doesn't flinch but she does give you this look of empathy unlike anything you've seen before.

"If he– if he would have just asked me, I would have told him it was fine. My family does shit like that all the time: nobody bats an eye! If he really thought I wouldn't mind, he wouldn't have been so freaking sneaky about it. He literally lied, Robyn!"

You whipped around and for a brief moment you knew you looked crazy. "He said he was going out for drinks with his guy friend, but he was making plans to go to a baseball game with a girl I've never heard of! If he really thought I wouldn't mind, or if he 'thought I would understand,' then why would go out of his way to lie about who he was with?"

Someone buzzed Rob's door and she left you on the couch momentarily, coming back quickly with two bottles of your favorite wine. "Damn girl, these are kinda bougie: Peach or Rosé?"

"I--"you choked, "Robyn you didn't have to–"

"Peach it is!" She unscrewed the caps and handed you the whole freaking bottle of white, downing the last of her merlot and getting a fresh glass for you.

You felt a little guilty she had spent money on you. But then again it had been her choice. If she didn't want you there, Rob wouldn't have let you in in the first place. Maybe you were just a tinsy bit worried you shouldn't be here.

You and Rob took a break from talking to put on music and get a little tipsy. It came much easier with the help of the Stella Rosa, though Rob initially complained it was 5.5%, she did get accustomed to the sweetness pretty fast, and after consuming half the bottle, realized it was a little easier to get carried away with a drink like this. She admitted it was her first time trying rosé and now she was hooked. Eventually you started talking again, just spilling your guts out with no filter anymore.

"I really think I just hate myself," you said cuddling the cool glassware. "When I found out, I wasn't even thinking of it as a betrayal of my trust– it felt like I was trying to come to terms with it so I could continue with the relationship. Not because it would make me happy but because… I don't know… it's what everybody else wants me to do. They don't even know about it and I was fully prepared not to tell them even though they'd want me to marry him whether they knew or not."

Rob barked a laugh of surprise. "Doh-K!"

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing…" she said, "keep going."

You stared off into the middle distance and leaned into her side. She was a tiny bit warm despite her lithe figure. Made you want to throw your blanket over her shoulders and share your greater warmth.

So you did (you're not great at acting out your desires but this is nice!)

"It's just easier," the words left your mouth unbidden, "I don't even know what that means, but it's true. I don't want to marry him anymore but I don't want to break it off. Not marrying Fiancé means disappointing my family. It means having to find an entire new man to marry sooner rather than later because I'm already 'behind' and lowering my already low expectations.

"It's not gonna make me happy, but I just think it's easier to keep this wedding going because at least I won't have to find somebody new who might not be as good for me just because I didn't want him. Another man won't make me happy so there's no reason to drop him... except that I don't want him."

Rob's brow furrowed. "Are you saying it's easier for you to please your family than it is to be happy?"

"Yes? I– no, I– … I don't know," you sigh. "I guess you could say my priorities are a little… mismanaged."

"Sure, you could say that." Rob wrapped her arms around your shoulders and you inhaled the scent of her soap and cigarettes. "What if you tried… like… not doing that anymore...? You just said you do whatever your family wants you to do. So, just like do what makes you happy for a change."

It really does sound so simple the way she puts it, doesn't it? Why are you doing this to yourself? You're not dependent on them for money or security or happiness for that matter. So... why has your whole life been centered around pleasing them?

"I think… I think I've never really sat down and thought about what makes me happy," you admitted. "I think it's just been that way forever and I might have been too scared to try anything else."

Rob hummed. "Are you still scared now?"

Are you? You look into her eyes and ask yourself a question that has never crossed your mind with such depth. You used to be scared– but what is it about your happiness that you are so afraid of? OK, let’s start a little simpler: what are things that make you happy?

“I like…” you swallowed, trying to break down the barriers you’ve built years and years ago. “I like… coffee. I like… short skirts. I like… girls– I like… my job. I like… music. I think I’d enjoy camping, you know, some day…”

Your words… these things seemed so arbitrary and trivial. But in your house, these things cause dissent. “My family has an opinion about everything. There’s no right way to live in all of their eyes, but I think I figured out a way to get past it. Keep my head down and do what’s expected of me. Graduate college, get a respectable job, find a man to marry, drop the job and become a mother. Just… don’t make waves. It seemed better because the cousins who didn’t or couldn’t… well they became the butt of every joke at the family dinner. Lisa had one miscarriage so she was a ‘failure’ and Don never dated girls so he was gay and that was ‘bad,’ but grandma Zelda did everything a good Christian woman could do and they still gossiped about her behind her back…

“And I just… I just let their ignorance control me for my entire life.” God, you could cry right now, but somehow it just felt too good to say it outloud. “That.. that is so fucked.”

Robyn snorted, and you turned to her as if you’d forgotten she was there. There it was again, that sympathy. Not pity, she did not burden you with tears of her own or try to be angry for you. She just listened and understood. You twisted the diamond encrusted ring on your finger and stared at her. You felt it, that feeling in your heart. No one else had given you that look, like she could really see you.

“You’re not going back to Fiancé, are you?” Her question was equal parts worrisome and hopeful and you already knew the answer in your heart.

“No.”

And that was it. Decision made. Actually easier than you'd thought. Maybe not down the road but it felt good for now. There's the telling your fiancé it's over, the moving out, the public announcement, the inevitable feeling of failure, your family, god, his family too. Untangling your lives would be long and hard. You're not sure if you have that level of commitment and motivation in you but fuck it. Problems for tomorrow.

You rest your head on Rob's shoulder and hope your not pushing any boundaries. She doesn't stop you though, in fact she snuggles you deeper into her. You get the feeling she's been here before though your not sure which side or how bad it was for her.

"I like you way more in the few times I've met you than any man I've ever dated," you heard yourself say. "I'm sure that means something but I'm too tired to decide anymore. No tonight at least."

Rob chuckled. "I like you too, sugar."

If you made it this far, hi 💛 appreciate you, leave me a comment! Or just comment "💛"

#Rob Brooks x Female reader #high fidelity rob brooks #three bees writing #rob brooks x reader #black reader insert #I just think about her sometimes #🐝🐝🐝✒#angst?

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johannesviii · 5 years ago

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Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2004

15 to 16 years old. A chaotic year for sure, but with a high quality soundtrack. So here’s a top ten list in which, as usual for that decade, several painful cuts had to be made.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

To provide the usual personal context, that year, being that-weirdo-in-the-back-of-the-class suddenly became great when OTHER people were also considered weirdos-in-the-back-of-the-class, and together, with a guy who kept falling asleep in class because he had insomnia, another guy who had elocution problems, and a girl who arrived directly from Cameroun in the middle of winter and was kinda depressed, we formed some sort of losers club and suddenly things weren’t so bad anymore. Unfortunately I completely lost contact with these people after highschool and that’s one of the biggest regrets of my life.

And then in September I once again ended in a completely different class in Terminale (equivalent of Senior Year in the US unless I’m mistaken) and made another great friend. So while life at home was still pretty bad, at least it was much better at school.

At this point my parents also stopped checking what kind of singles I was buying, which means that instead of this madness from 2003 where I had to hide some purchases with other ones...

...I only bought this in 2004 and the rest were actual albums.

Also, I found some old tapes and oh my goodness look at the label on this one. Late 2002/early 2003 at its finest right there. Kyo written with a typo, next to Eminem, next to Mylène Farmer. Love it.

With all of that out of the way, here’s a list of honorable mentions first. A very, very long list.

Yeah (Usher feat Lil Jon & Ludacris) - Thank goodness I thought this song was pretty cool, otherwise I’d have been miserable while listening to the radio in 2004.

Milkshake (Kelis) - Ooooooh daaaaangerously close to the So Bad It’s Good category.

Let’s Get It Started (Black Eyed Peas) - Don’t have anything to say, it’s a lot of fun.

Dragosta Din Tei (O-Zone) - This took like four more years to chart in the US but we heard it all summer here. And it wasn’t unpleasant at all to be honest?

Heaven (remix) (DJ Sammy) - Hang on, wasn’t this on the 2002 honorable mentions? Yeah but it took two years to chart here so it was elligible for 2004 as well.

Turn Me On (Kevin Lyttle) - A quality earworm that somehow isn’t annoying? Sign me up.

Call On Me (Eric Prydz) - Hey, look, another repetitive dance track in my collection of repetitive dance tracks!

What You Waiting For? (Gwen Stefani) - I think this is the only Gwen Stefani song that never made me turn the radio off after a minute. Pretty good.

It’s My Life (No Doubt) - Love the original. This version, not so much.

Parce Qu’on Vient de Loin (Corneille) - Favorite artist of my best friend that year. That song was so moving and well-written. Never got tired of it but never actively listened to it either. If I had better taste it would probably make the list.

The Reason (Hoobastank) - I thought this was ok and pretty nice if a bit bland, and didn’t deserve the success nor the hatred it got. However, thanks to the rock journal I was buying at the time which was like “hey, please listen to the album itself, it’s great!”, I followed that advice, listened to the album at the cd store and bought it instantly. If you dislike this song, please listen to the rest of the album, I swear you’ll enjoy it. Here’s the first track, Same Direction, to get a general idea!

Don’t Tell Me (Avril Lavigne) - Her second album was very good, wasn’t it? What happened to her in recent years?

Je Saigne Encore (Kyo) - This was the last cut (HA, get it? cut?? ok sorry that was terrible) from the list. While I loved it back in the day and while I’m willing to ignore how cringy some stuff I loved as a teenager can be now, I'm not willing to ignore how this is basically a song about a white boy being dumped for the first time and hurting himself because he can’t deal with the mere concept of jealousy. And I’m like “holy shit calm down dude and please drop that knife”.

And now, the actual list.

10 - Hey Ya! (Outkast)

US: #8 / FR: #41

Who’s surprised. Come on. Everyone loved it. I even bought the single! And to think I almost considered leaving it out of the top 10 to put friggin Kyo on it, of all things. The indignity. But yeah, I genuinely loved this. The only thing I can say against it is that it’s a bit too exhausting to be listened to on a loop.

9 - 100 Years (Five For Fighting)

US: #77 / FR: Not on the list

I only heard this a couple of times that year and never paid much attention.

Then I heard it again in 2018 right in the middle of a very, very bad year, after losing my grandfather, and it absolutely destroyed me.

It’s very, very good.

8 - Face à la Mer (Passy & Calogero)

US: Not on the list / FR: #11

Very overplayed that year. A delight every single time it was on the radio, though. Don’t have anything else to say about it.

7 - Modern Times (J-Five)

US: Not on the list / FR: #26

A hiphop song sampling a scene from Modern Times with Charlie Chaplin. It peaked at number 1 here! Not kidding! I bought the single after hearing it exactly once. It’s fantastic and I’m really sad time buried it like it did. If you’ve forgotten about it or simply never heard it before, please give it a listen, it needs more love.

6 - Hit My Heart (Benassi Bros)

US: Not on the list / FR: #74

Remember last time when I said I was a major sucker for Benassi Bros? Well this isn’t an exception. That is a killer drop right there. It looks great and dark and glittery all at once and, by the way, the sunny and summer-y music video completely contradicted how the song looked like in my ears, haha.

5 - My Happy Ending (Avril Lavigne)

US: #54 / FR: Not on the list

I’m not entirely sure what went wrong and when in Avril Lavigne’s career the shift happened, but a couple of years after that song her music got a lot less interesting. I may have enjoyed her first album Let Go a lot, but this song might just be her best one ever.

The sudden shift from “YOU WERE everything” to “HE WAS everything” near the end, in particular, is great writing. Love that.

4 - Left Outside Alone (Anastacia)

US: Not on the list / FR: #76

Usually, voices, good or bad, have zero impact on me except when they border on unlistenable, or when they are physically painful to hear/look at. The guy from Muse for example has a voice that looks like the equivalent of a flashlight in the dark and it hurts, and I’m like dude. Can you please tune that down a little bit. Please.

This lady’s voice right there is fascinating though. Her voice is green and dark and it’s such a strange, rare voice I’m charmed whenever I hear it, and in this song in particular. This was on SO MANY of my tapes it’s not even funny. And the chorus is fantastic and a joy to sing along with even if you don’t have a good voice yourself.

3 - Orchestra (The Servant)

US: Not on the list / FR: #97

So we were on vacation, and they were giving away free cds at one stop. And I put the one I got in my portable cd player, and wasn’t that excited by the first tracks.

And then the fifth one started. And I was instantly captivated.

You already know I absolutely adored Placebo at the time (sadly, Protect Me isn’t elligible here either), and that guy from The Servant had a similar voice and the song was roughly in the same ballpark, and the lyrics were so, so weird.

There's an orchestra in me, Playing endlessly I even hear it now They play in the devil's key, An endless symphony I even hear it now And I listen to the music, Beautiful music Yes I listen to the music, Beautiful music

And, again, I’m terrible at describing sounds but the colors are so disquieting and there’s an unpleasant vibe except the song itself isn’t unpleasant? It’s so damn weird. And that band never struck gold again after that.

I still don’t know what happened or how all of this works. It’s a mystery. A very beautiful and curious mystery. This would have had a good shot at winning the #1 spot if it hadn’t been for [shakes fist] these other guys.

2 - Breaking the Habit (Linkin Park)

US: #79 / FR: #89

Only #2? Does... does that mean Linkin Park isn’t going to top my lists three years in a row? Holy shit, dodged a bullet there.

Should I really repeat my whole speech about Meteora. Should I really. Come on. It starts with the sound of a closing door, then broken glass, and then guitars explode in your face. The first line of the album is “sometimes I need to remember just to breathe”! Somewhere I Belong is one of my favorite songs from the band! I was trying to match the flow of Faint even if my English was still extremely shaky and my accent terrible!

And then there’s Breaking the Habit, which sounds almost pleasant compared to the levels of aggression displayed by the other songs. But it’s weirdly tense and stressful for that exact reason, because this relative calm sounds like a menace.

It works even better out of the context of the album, where it sounded a tad more aggressive than the average pop song, but still tense and stressful. And the music video is fantastic. I had it on a giant poster. I know I’ve kept it folded somewhere. If I only knew where it was, I’d show it to you. Covering up the (bright pink) walls in my room back then was a lot of work.

Edit: Nevermind. Found it:

Gotta say one thing though. At least they aren’t #1 for the third year in a row. What’s left of my dignity has been saved.

1 - Enjoy the Silence 2004 (Depeche Mode, Mike Shinoda remix)

US: Not on the list / FR: #89

Waiiiit a second. This was remixed by Mike Shinoda, wasn’t it. Mike Shinoda. From Linkin Park.

I guess Linkin Park IS topping my lists three years in a row in the end sdfghjhgfdfghjkjhg end me

But yeah. So. Enjoy the Silence tops a second list of mine, then. 14 years after the first one. I’m not gonna repeat what I’ve already said about that song. It simply got a brand new coat of paint, but still, even if it’s basically street art painted over a framed painting, what a masterpiece. Was genuinely gawking the first time I heard it on the radio.

And then Depeche Mode released one of their best albums ever the very next year, and it was the album of the year for me, and I became a big fan. So yeah, thanks for introducing me to their music, Mike Shinoda.

Bonus: I noticed my trusty old radio/cd player was in the background of a pic my brother took around that time! I miss that radio. It was pearl-colored and I had added stickers of birds and insects on it. So everytime I say “on the radio” in these posts, just picture this round little thing which was at the center of my universe back then.

Next up: Not the best song of the decade but pretty close

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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unfolded73 · 5 years ago

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How Do We Get Back (13/16) - schitt’s creek ff

Summary: In a literal alternate universe where the Roses escaped financial ruin, David and Patrick struggle with loneliness and a sense that something isn’t right. A chance meeting in New York and a terrible tragedy drive them to question whether the timeline they are on is the right one.

This chapter is explicit, 4k words. (ao3)

_____________________________________

Chapter 13

Patrick was drifting, halfway between sleep and wakefulness, thinking about the nature of orgasms.

For a long time there had been two kinds of orgasms that he had first-hand experience with. There was the masturbatory kind, which he took care of in a perfunctory, utilitarian way when he felt like the needs of his body were distracting him from something more important, like schoolwork or practicing the guitar or a good night’s sleep. Quick and harsh, a tight fist and hand lotion and his brain carefully blank while he was doing it, just an efficient, neural shortcut to a little burst of pleasure, then a quick cleanup and it was back to whatever he’d been doing before.

Then there were orgasms from sex, where quick and harsh wouldn’t cut it, but where again he shied away from thinking too much about what he was actually doing. It felt like a job, being skilled enough at sex that his partner wouldn’t have any complaints. And he was happy that he could please another person, he was, but it left little room for the work his brain needed to do in order to find that neural shortcut. A lot of the time, he never got there. When he did, it was underwhelming, to say the least.

If those experiences were like weakly flickering light bulbs, then being with David was like a supernova.

Patrick did things for David, touched him and sucked him and fucked him, not because of an obligation to be competent at sex but because he wanted to. No, want was too small a word for what he felt — he was starving, he was aching to do those things for David. And orgasming with David didn’t take effort; it was inevitable — it was simply impossible not to be swept along to that heart-stopping conclusion, so intense sometimes that he felt like he barely stayed conscious.

“What are you grinning about?”

Patrick slowly opened his eyes and looked over at David. “I thought you were asleep.”

“Nope.”

“I was thinking about orgasms, if you must know.”

David hummed in a way that said, Oooh, I’m intrigued, tell me more.

“Also I was thinking that as much I’ve enjoyed this weekend of hardly leaving the bed, I do have to go to work tomorrow. Will you be okay on your own for the day?”

Looking offended, David said, “I’m not a child.”

“No, of course you aren’t. But I don’t know if being alone is necessarily the best thing for you right now.”

“I’ll read a book. Or maybe, I don’t know, take a walk.” Patrick raised an eyebrow; David going for a walk without a destination in mind seemed a bit out of character, but there were likely hidden depths of David’s character that Patrick hadn’t seen yet. He was excited to learn them all, every facet of David’s personality, every quirk and annoying habit.

Whoa, slow down, he thought to himself. Just because David had chosen to lean on him in this time of mourning, it didn’t mean he was thinking in terms of a long-term relationship. Just because they’d spent most of the last two days in Patrick’s bed, learning each other’s bodies, didn’t mean David was falling in love with him. For the first time, Patrick realized how in danger his heart really was. And that perhaps it was too late to do anything about it.

“What’s wrong?” David asked.

Realizing his face was betraying his thoughts, Patrick relaxed his features. “A walk sounds like a good idea.”

~*~

“This place is cute,” David said, the grimace on his face saying he thought it was anything but.

Patrick looked at the local bar through David’s eyes: televisions tuned to a variety of sporting events, signed hockey jerseys mounted on the walls, wide-board wooden floor and tables with decades of initials carved into them.

Giving him two firm claps on the back (“You’ve got such straight boy body language,” David had once said), Patrick grinned at him. “Come on, I promise you’ll have a good time.”

Dennis had invited them out, having no doubt heard through his parents or perhaps just through the town rumor mill that Patrick had a guy staying with him. Between the other tenants in Patrick’s building and the people in the bookstore and coffee shop that David had visited over the last few days while Patrick was at work, Oak Grove was almost certainly churning with news that little Patrick Brewer had a boyfriend.

Not a boyfriend, Patrick reminded himself, although with every day that David didn’t return to New York, it felt more and more difficult not to name him so. David had been in town a week now, and with every day that passed it seemed more impossible that the day would come when this would be over.

Patrick spotted his cousin at a table near the bar and he steered David over.

“Hey, man!” Dennis said, up and out of his chair and hugging Patrick before he quite understood what was happening. He didn’t particularly remember Dennis being a hugger, but he went with it.

“Um, this is David,” Patrick said simply. Dennis reached out and shook David’s hand enthusiastically, as if being introduced to a man that Patrick was in an unlabelable romantic relationship with was a normal thing that didn’t require remarking upon. Which, maybe it didn’t.

They fell into easy small talk; it turned out that Dennis had a lot of opinions about music and so did David, and Patrick could just sit back and watch another member of his family welcoming David into the fold. When Dennis suggested they play darts, David didn’t want to play but he seemed content to serve as Patrick’s one man cheering section. And when Patrick won and got a kiss for his efforts, he tried not to let it show on his face how overwhelming it was, the simple fact being out in public and sharing casual affection with a boy he liked.

Ash brought over their third round of drinks themselves, as things at the bar had started to slow down.

“Ash, dude, what’s this I hear about you moving away?” Dennis asked.

They shrugged. “I’ve got some people in Norway that, if the world is ending, I’d prefer to ride out the apocalypse with,” they said, collecting and stacking empty glasses.

“I’m sorry,” Patrick said, “‘if the world is ending’?”

Ash gave him an impassive stare for a second. “Have you read the news recently?”

Patrick frowned. He hadn’t, really. He’d been too busy with David to give any thought to the outside world.

“To the people living in any particular time, it always seems like things are the worst they’ve ever been. It doesn’t mean you need to go join a doomsday cult in Norway,” Dennis said.

“There it is, cults again,” David said, making Patrick raise his eyebrows in surprise. “I swear I keep hearing things about cults these days.”

Dennis chuckled. “I mean, between climate change and so many of the world’s governments being taken over by dictators, maybe it’s not surprising that people are turning to mass protests and weird religions.”

“We saw protesters being arrested at the airport in New York,” Patrick said. “A lot of them.” He felt embarrassed that he’d let the event slip his mind entirely.

“The violence has only gotten worse in New York the last few days,” Ash said, looking annoyed at them for being so uninformed. “They’ll probably have to shut things down like they did with O’Hare and LAX.”

“I’m sorry, shut what down?” David asked, his voice rising in pitch.

“The airports. There have been so many threats of terrorism that they can’t afford to keep those airports running. I’ve got a flight out of Toronto to Heathrow in three days, and I’m praying that things don’t get too bad before I can get on that plane.”

“What the fuck is going on?” Patrick asked no one in particular.

“The world is falling apart, man,” Ash said. “And the old gods are in ascendance.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I read that Neil Gaiman novel,” Dennis said in a way that made it clear he wasn’t taking any of this seriously.

“We should make sure we have a way to get you back to your parents,” Patrick said, trying not to wish too hard that David would somehow be stranded here with him forever.

David looked startled, and he paused before saying, “Yeah. Yeah, I guess we should.”

“I wouldn’t go back to New York now,” Ash said. “Best to stay out of the big cities. That’s where the worst shit is going down.” They looked over at the bar, where more people were waiting for drinks than it looked like Ash’s assistant could handle. “I’ve gotta get back, guys. Good luck with everything.”

“Thanks?” Patrick said.

“Just…” Ash gave him a piercing stare. “Don’t ignore your dreams, Patrick. Let your subconscious be your guide.” They turned and went back to the bar then, leaving the three of them looking at each other, bemused.

“That was weird,” Dennis said.

Unnerved, Patrick reached over and took David’s hand. “Yeah.”

~*~

“That bartender was right.” David was looking at his phone when Patrick emerged from the bathroom, ready for bed. “JFK, Newark, and LaGuardia are all closed as of today. It says they don’t know for how long.”

“That’s insane. How is anybody flying anywhere?”

“They aren’t. It’s almost like 9/11, when I was stranded for four days in Portugal.”

Patrick lifted the blankets and got under the covers with David. “I was only thirteen on 9/11.”

“Oh, fuck off,” David said affectionately.

“And what was the thing Ash said about dreams? Let my subconscious be my guide? What was that?”

David gave him a sidelong glance. “I don’t know, had any interesting dreams lately?”

Patrick laughed. He didn’t usually remember his dreams. Except… “I mean, I dreamed you and I were planning to get married in Schitt’s Creek, but…” He blushed at having admitted even that to David. “It was silly.”

“Wait, what?” David asked, turning fully to him.

God, David must be freaked out by what that might reveal about his feelings, Patrick thought. “It was just a dream, it doesn’t mean I actually want to—”

“No, that’s not… I dreamed the same thing, that night at the motel. That you and I were engaged.” David looked down at his bare fingers. He always took his silver rings off at night and put them in a little dish on the bedside table that he’d borrowed from Patrick’s kitchen.

“Huh. That’s a weird coincidence.” Patrick settled down onto his pillow and closed his eyes.

“Is it?”

“Is it what?”

David huffed and nudged Patrick’s shoulder until he opened his eyes. “Is it a coincidence?”

Patrick laughed. “Well, what else would it be, David?”

“I don’t know, it’s your bartender friend who was spouting all that mystical stuff about old gods and dreams!” He gesticulated wildly with his hands.

Patrick sat back up. “I don’t actually know Ash all that well, but… look, I just don’t believe in stuff like that. Stuff I can’t verify with my own eyes and ears.”

“Okay, fine, so let’s collect some data. What else happened in your dream?” David said.

“David—”

“Humor me.”

“Okay.” Patrick rubbed his face, trying to remember. “We worked in a store together.”

Now David looked genuinely alarmed, as if even though he’d been arguing on the side of the import of these dreams, he hadn’t really believed in what he was arguing. “Without telling me what it was, do you remember the name of the store?”

He did. It had been all over everything — baggies of coffee beans and bottles of who-knew-what; it was abbreviated on the wall and on the top of the refrigerator case. Patrick took a second to be amazed that there had been that level of detail in the dream, and that he remembered even a fraction of it. “I remember it.”

“I’m going to tell you what it was, then, since you’re the skeptic. It was Rose Apothecary.”

Patrick’s heart started to thunder in his chest. “Maybe… maybe there’s a mundane explanation.”

David crossed his arms. “What?”

“Maybe we saw a place with a similar name somewhere, and it happened to register in both of our subconsciouses—”

“Two little roses, one on either side of the name,” David said. “And I had four gold rings in place of my silver ones. I’m pretty sure you gave them to me.”

Patrick stared at him. “Okay, so… so we shared a dream?”

“I don’t think it was a dream. Or, it was, but it was more than that.” David was up and out of bed now, like he couldn’t contain these ideas unless he got up and walked them off. “It was like a view of an alternate reality. One where for some reason my whole family was in that town, and so I met you a while ago, and… I don’t know, but it was good. Everyone was happy, and…”

“And Alexis was alive,” Patrick said as soon as it struck him why David wanted the dreams to mean something. “That’s what this is about, right? Your sister was alive.”

“Yeah, this is the ravings of a grief-stricken person except you saw it, Patrick. It wasn’t just me. You saw it too! And you felt something when we were outside that general store, didn’t you? And… and the waitress said it was… that the veil between worlds was thin or whatever.” He was so manic now that Patrick worried that David might be on his way to a panic attack if he didn’t calm down.

“I don’t know if I’d hang this theory on Twyla,” Patrick said, but then he had to pull himself up short, because it was triggering something else in his memory. Someone else who’d raved at him… “The homeless woman outside your building,” Patrick said softly, lost in memories of those nights, months ago, when his whole life changed.

“What?” David stopped pacing, his chest rising and falling with heavy breaths.

“There was a homeless woman outside your building; I ran into her both times I left your apartment in the early morning. And she said…” — he struggled to remember. “She said that this world was wrong and we needed to get back to the right one. Wait, before that, the first time I saw her, she said to me ‘you found him.’”

“Patrick, if you’re fucking with me—”

“Why would I fuck with you?” Patrick rubbed his sweaty palms off on the bedspread.

“I know who you’re talking about; she was a regular in the neighborhood,” David said. “She used to say all kinds of crazy stuff to me, stuff like…” He dragged a hand through his hair, making it stick up at all angles. “That my family and I were supposed to be living in a motel together.”

Patrick didn’t want to, but it would have been dishonest not to connect those dots. “You did say those rooms felt familiar.”

David sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. “Fuck.”

Not knowing what else to do, Patrick crawled over and rested a hand on David’s back.

“What do we do?” David asked.

“We… we get you back to New York, to your family, for a start. And we try to find that woman, because maybe she knows more.”

“The airports are closed,” David pointed out.

Patrick shrugged. “So we drive. If we leave early in the morning and take turns driving, we can probably be there by this time tomorrow.”

“What about your job?”

“David, we’re going to drive to New York in the midst of a violent uprising to seek out a mystical homeless woman to explain why we’ve both dreamed of the same alternate reality. My job can go fuck itself.”

David laughed, an edge of hysteria in it, and kissed him.

~*~

“This is insane,” Patrick said as they pulled away from the third police checkpoint since crossing over into Manhattan. Only David’s ID with his Chelsea address had allowed them to get this far.

This is insane had been Patrick’s mental mantra for many of their hours of driving, and he wasn’t sure if the increasing evidence of societal collapse was bolstering the idea that they were doing the right thing or detracting from it. He knew it was insane when he called his parents from the road to tell them that he was driving David to New York since the airports were shut down (the rest of the story, he left out). He knew it was insane when they had to spend almost a full hour at the U.S.-Canadian border, undergoing extensive questioning before they were allowed to cross. He knew it was insane when he left a message for his boss, resigning his position at Rollins Electrical Supply via voicemail. He knew it was insane when David had an extended phone call with his parents as they drove through Buffalo, arguing about which of the properties that his parents still owned would be the safest if civilization fell.

David directed Patrick to a parking garage near his apartment. The automated gates had been broken off, so Patrick drove in without taking a ticket from the machine.

“If we somehow manage to get away without paying to park in Manhattan, then society really has collapsed,” David said, which made Patrick laugh.

Rain was coming down steadily on them as they walked to David’s apartment from the garage. Even Patrick, with his limited time in New York, could tell that the streets were unnaturally quiet. “I don’t see our prophetic friend,” Patrick said as they approached David’s building.

“With the rain, she might be in a shelter,” David said. “We can try to find her tomorrow.”

He looked as exhausted as Patrick felt, so Patrick didn’t argue.

At least nothing had changed in David’s apartment during their days away, and Patrick was struck by the way the smell of the place took him back to that first night in February, when he’d gone home with David and ended up in his bed. That had been insane too, but it might have been the best thing he’d ever done in his life. Maybe insane wasn’t the worst thing.

They took turns showering off the funk of the long road trip, and while Patrick waited for David in his bed, he started trying to catch up on what exactly was going on in the world. By the time David joined him, Patrick’s palms were sweating and his stomach felt queasy.

“David, I’m starting to think the world might really be ending.”

“Why?” David asked, sitting down on his side of the bed and rubbing some kind of moisturizer into his heels.

“The amazon rainforest is on fire, for one thing. Like, intentionally. They’ve instituted full-on martial law in Brazil. And that guy Jeff Bezos and some other billionaires have bugged out to some private floating city and disappeared, which I’m pretty sure was the plot of an Ayn Rand book.”

“Don’t tell my mom, she’ll be pissed she wasn’t invited,” David said, settling down onto his back and pulling Patrick into his arms.

“And legitimate people are writing articles questioning whether it’s possible for the U.S. to ever have fair and free elections ever again,” Patrick went on.

“Okay,” David said, his hand caressing Patrick’s hip.

“You don’t seem worried,” Patrick said.

“It’s not that I’m not worried, it’s that my brain literally doesn’t have any room for anything else to worry about.” David rolled them so that he was on top of Patrick and began kissing down his neck. “Also, fifty-seven percent of my brain is occupied with thinking about sex.”

Patrick grinned, wrapping his arms around David and sliding his hands down to David’s ass. “Fifty-seven percent?”

“Eighty-three percent.” Patrick thrust up with his hips, grinding against David. “A hundred and nine percent,” David breathed.

They quickly shed their clothes and were back to grinding against each other immediately, their bodies almost on auto-pilot, desperate for friction and closeness and connection.

“So I guess there’s a universe where I asked you to marry me,” Patrick said when David pulled away long enough to lube both of them up, his slick hand on Patrick’s cock and stomach and on himself. The idea of that being real somehow had turned itself over and over in Patrick’s mind on the drive until he felt compelled to speak it out loud.

“That’s the part that strains credibility, that any version of you would want to spend your entire life with any version of me,” David said, and only David Rose could manage to be self effacing while he stroked himself.

“David,” Patrick said, reaching up for David’s shoulders and pulling him down so that they could kiss, and now each thrust of their hips was slippery and so wonderful that it almost brought tears to Patrick’s eyes. “That part is easy for me to imagine.”

David kissed him, frantic, and when they separated to breathe, David’s eyelashes were fluttering as he tried to blink away his own tears. “I doubt that, but thank you for saying it.”

Patrick pulled him as close as he could, rolling his hips, trying to bring him pleasure and comfort in equal measure. “That life with you, the one we dreamed… I’d take that life in a second.”

Gasping, David kissed him again. “Me too. God, Patrick, me too.” He buried his face the crook of Patrick’s neck, his hips slowing into a more gentle undulation. “Can we pretend, just for a minute…?”

Patrick brought one hand up and carded it through David’s hair. “That we’re in that world?” He felt David nod.

His heart hammering in his chest, Patrick matched David’s rhythm and tried to imagine what he would say in that life, comfortable and confident and in love with a man that he planned to spend the rest of his days with. “I’m so happy you’re going to be my husband, David,” he murmured, his voice pitched low, and the answering noise from David told him he was on exactly the right track.

Considering and discarding several other endearments — he didn’t want to tell David he loved him until he could be certain David knew he meant it — Patrick went on. “I don’t ever want this to end. I don’t ever want to not be sharing your life. You’re the most wonderful man I’ve ever known.”

“God, Patrick, I—” Whatever David was going to say got lost as he climaxed, wet and hot against Patrick’s stomach. Patrick groaned and moved faster, seeking and finding his own peak, biting down on David’s shoulder as he came.

After a quick cleanup, they settled back into bed together, Patrick resting his head against David’s chest.

“Thanks for… I probably shouldn’t have asked you to do that in the heat of the moment,” David said. “Roleplaying scenes usually require some pre-negotiation.”

“I didn’t mind,” Patrick said. It’s not like anything he had said hadn’t been a sort of truth. “It, umm, worked for me too. Obviously.” He pressed a kiss against David’s sternum.

David laughed uneasily. “Who knew that my kink was domesticity?”

It gave Patrick a chance to lighten the mood, to get out of the territory that was going to lead to premature confessions of love, and he took it. “Should I have also talked about mowing the lawn?”

“That depends, what do you wear when you mow the lawn?”

Patrick laughed. “I’ll save my material on painting the garage for next time, it’ll drive you wild.”

Chapter 14

#schitt's creek ff #schitt's creek #david x patrick #david x patrick ff #david x patrick fic #hdwgb fic #my fic

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tournesolia · 6 years ago

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Lunatic Parade Ayato Chapter 3 Translation

Place : Hotel Mondstein – Guest room

Yui : (Looks like Ayato-kun isn't back yet...)

(Where did he go ? I wonder if I should try to look for him...)

Scene change : Hotel Mondstein – Lobby

Yui : (Ah, that person from behind is...)

Ayato-kun !

Ayato : … Breastless...

Yui : Where did you go ? I was worried...--

(… Huh...?)

Hey, what's the matter ? You look tired...

Ayato : Shaddup. There's nothing particular

More importantly, you. Are you feeling better now ? You suddenly ran...

Yui : I'm okay...

Ayato : Hmm, then let's go search for the locksmith together

Yui : Okay... But first, we should search for clues...

Ayato : I got a clue. Apparently, that locksmith guy is at Saint nore park

Let's go look for him there...

Yui : Eh... ?

(Then, Ayato-kun looked for the locksmith all by himself until now...?)

Ayato : If you're slow, I might leave you behind again. Let's go quick

Yui : Alright

(…...)

*Yui gets close to Ayato

Ayato : What... ? You suddenly hold my hand...

Yui : S-Sorry... But...

(I wanted to do something like this to convey my feelings of gratitude...)

Ayato : Heh, whatever. Anyway, let's hurry

Yui : Yes !

Scene change : Saint nore park street

Yui : It's very crowded as usual...

Ayato : Yeah, right...

Yui : (What should we do ? Even if we know the locksmith is here, with so many people...)

Ayato : Well. It's finally its time to shine

Yui : … ? Ayato-kun, this is...

Ayato : Hehe, I collected informations about that locksmith and I finally know what he looks like

It's a portrait painted by Yours Truly. What do you think ? With that, we just have to find someone similar to that one in the portrait

Yui : (… I thought it was some sort of animal... But it's a portrait...)

(Ayato-kun seems full of confidence... But I'm a bit anxious...!)

Ayato : … What ? You got something to complain to my painting ?

Yui : Eh ? … No, I don't, but...

Ayato : … ? But what ?

Yui : Errr...

Choice 1 : Mislead him (incorrect)

Yui : … No, nothing...

Ayato : Hmm... Well, whatever

Choice 2 : Compliment him (correct)

Yui : … Nothing. I just thought that your painting is creative...

Ayato : Heh, right ? You got it

-- End of choices

Yui : (At any rate... This painting, I have the feeling I saw this face before...)

(… Is it just my imagination...?)

Ayato : Alright, let's show them this portrait and search everywhere !

Scene change : Saint nore park street

Ayato : Tch, shit... So hard to find him...

Yui : Yes... You're right...

(We walked around the park and asked people, but we didn't get any clues...)

(It must be impossible with just a portrait after all...)

Ayato : Hm ? … Ah !

Yui : … What is it ?

Ayato : Hey, look other here... !

Yui : Eh... ?

??? : Hahaha, then after this...

Yui : (This person... There's a subtle resemblance... with Ayato-kun's portrait...?)

Ayato : There's no doubt ! Hey, let's go !

Yui : Y-Yes... !

(Ayato-kun's amazing ! … I wonder ?)

*Ayato and Yui gets closer to said person

Ayato : Hey, the old guy other here. Are you the locksmith ?

??? : … Indeed, I'm the locksmith... Oh... ! You're the ones from yesterday... !

Yui : Eh ? … Ah ! You are... !

*flashback

Vampire gentleman : I got scared when you collapsed in such a place. I’ll bring someone….–

Ayato : … Hey ! What the hell are you doing !? Get away from her right now !!

*Ayato kicks the vampire

Vampire gentleman : Ugu !?

Yui : … ! Ayato-kun !?

*end of flashback

Yui : (He helped me yesterday... And Ayato-kun hit him...!)

(To think this person was the locksmith...!)

Locksmith : What's your business ? For us to meet again at such a place...

And I was enjoying this wonderful parade...

Look. Because of you, my face got so swollen

Yui : I-I'm sorry... !

Ayato : I can't believe it... I thought I've seen you somewhere when I drew this portrait...

Hey, old guy. Y'know... Sorry about yesterday. I clearly thought you...

Yui : Um, we really apologize. Ayato-kun didn't mean it

I mean, there was just a little misunderstanding and... Um...

Locksmith : Hmph, no more excuses now. More importantly, I'm enjoying my holidays

I don't want you to get in my way. Go somewhere else

Yui : … But... !

Ayato : Hey, old guy. In fact, we have a request

Locksmith : … A request ?

*Ayato shows him the key

Ayato : … This. We have until the end of the day to repair this key...

That's my request. Can you lend us your help ?

Locksmith : … Why would I do that !? I refuse

Ayato : I'm begging you ! If you don't, she... Yui will...

Yui : … Ayato-kun...

Locksmith : She will what ?

Ayato : Tch... Anyway, I need your help to save her !

Stop nitpicking and lend us a hand !

Yui : … Ayato-kun ! C-Calm down... !

Locksmith : Hmph, it would be better for you to fix your aggressive habit right now

… Anyway, if I don't repair this key, something bad would happen to this young lady, right ?

… It can't be helped, then. I have one proposal

Ayato : A proposal ?

Locksmith : That's right. Play Go Cart with me. And if you win, I'll cooperate

Yui : … ! Really ?

Locksmith : That's right. Hey, you. Negociating is the kind of thing you should do. Remember this

Ayato : Tch, what the heck ? That cocky locksmith... I don't like him

But alright. I must win that Go Cart game. I accept your challenge ! Prepare yourself !

Hey, just you watch, breastless. The Great Me will absolutely won't lose

Yui : Yes... !

(Do your best, Ayato-kun...!)

Game « Go Cart » starts

If player loses :

Locksmith : Ahaha ! I did it ! Victory's mine !

Ayato : … I can't believe it...

Yui : (What should we do ? He lost...)

Locksmith : Heh, even though you're the son of Karl Heinz, you're a naive kid after all

Ayato : Aah !? What the hell was that, you bastard !?

Yui : (The locksmith knows about Ayato-kun...?)

Locksmith : Heh, anyway. I'm satisfied enough with the fact that I defeated the son of the Sakamaki family

It's different from our previous terms but I'll make an exception and repair this key

Yui : … Really ?

Locksmith : That's right, but it doesn't change the fact that I won against him. Hehe !

Ayato : Tch, damn it... !

Yui : (I'm glad he's going to repair the key, but... Ayato-kun looks frustrated...)

If player wins :

Ayato : Alright, the Great Me won !

Locksmith : I lost the Go Cart game... As expected of the son of Karl Heinz

Yui : Eh ? You recognized him... ?

Locksmith : Well, you see... That's why I wanted to try and defeat him

Ayato : Anyway, will you repair the key as promised ?

Locksmith : Why of course. A game is a game

Ayato : I did it, Yui !

*Ayato suddenly carries Yui

Yui : Kyaa !

(Ayato-kun is...!)

Ayato : Heh, I told you, didn't I ? The Great Me wouldn't lose...

There's no way that guy would beat me. I'm always the best !

Scene change : Locksmith's place

Locksmith : Now, come in

Yui : (Amazing. There's so many keys I've never seen before...)

Locksmith : … Well then, show me the broken key

Ayato : Yep. Here it is

*Ayato gives the broken key to the locksmith

Locksmith : … Hmm, this is...

…...

Yui : (… He became silent. He's frowning, somehow...)

Ayato : Hey, what's up ? You're can't repair it ?

Locksmith : … It's not that I can't repair it. However... It seems you need a special ore to fix this key

Yui : A special ore... ?

Ayato : You just have to connect the two pieces together ! So don't you just have to attach them with something around !?

Locksmith : … No, I don't think so. Well, actually, it would be best to show you. For example, with this metal...

Ayato : … !?

Yui : (… This key repels metal...?)

Locksmith : … Did you see ? This key is entirely made of the same material and has a special property that it can't be attached with a different material

It will be difficult to repair the key without getting the ore

Yui : It can’t be...

Ayato : So we should get that ore somewhere, right !? Where is it !?

Locksmith : The ore is only located in limited places in the Demon World

Speaking on those places... That's right. The abandoned mine site of the Smaragd volcano...

In the past, the mining of ore was actively carried out at this place. You fill find some if you dig

Ayato : The volcano, huh ! Alright, I get it. Hey, breastless ! Let's go quick. Follow me !

Yui : Ah ! Ayato-kun !

Scene change : Diamante's fountain

Ayato : He said an abandoned mine site... What should we do ?

'Can't be helped... Perhaps side-part glasses will know a good way if I ask him

Alright, I'll send a familiar

Yui : (… Ayato-kun is trying so hard...)

(Even yesterday, he hasn't slept much... This is bad...)

(I wonder if what we do right now is really the answer to the earl's demand in the first place...)

(It's certainly our fault that we entered the room without permission and broke the key, but...)

*flashback

??? 2 : … I see. This is an opportunity since the people around will be focused on the parade…

??? 3 : … I’ll be the decoy… As for the place, is the Mouth of Zartan good ?

??? 1 : Yeah, I don’t mind. However, we have some problems…

*end of flashback

Yui : (It was kinda suspicious...)

(What is this key used for...?)

(If these persons are willing to use this key for bad purposes...)

(We're assisting them, right... ?)

(And in that case, the earl will...)

Ayato : Hey, what's up ? You look a bit displeased

Yui : Ah... Ayato-kun...

Ayato : I got a reply from Reiji. That bastard's really detailed with what I don't know

But with this, we're saved. Anyway, looks like we need some tools. Let's collect them quick

Yui : O-Okay... But...

Ayato : … ? What ?

Yui : Ayato-kun, are you fine without taking a little break ?

You see... You never took a break since yesterday, right ?

Ayato : … Oh, that's it ? The Great Me's perfectly fine

And it's my fault that we ended up like that

I just can't sit still...

Yui : (Ayato-kun...)

Ayato : Looks like we have to travel the canal on a gondola to reach the volcano

You must be tired as well but let's keep going a little more and you can rest there

Yui : … I'm okay. Aside from me, you...

Ayato : I told you I'm fine. You're weird, huh... Let's go

Yui : Okay...

Scene change : Rubin canal

Ayato : From what Reiji says, when we travel this canal, we'll reach a lake

The entrance to the mine seems to be in the woods nearby

Yui : …

Ayato : … ? Hey, what's up ? You're being weird for a while

… Are you perhaps feeling sick again ?

Yui : No... ! There's just something I'm a bit concerned about...

Ayato : Something you're concerned about ? What is it ? Tell me. Don't hide thing from Yours Truly

Yui : … Well, it's about the key...

Ayato : … The key ?

Yui : … Yes. I'm thinking what this key is used for...

Ayato : Well... It looked like they wouldn't use it for a good purpose

Yui : … ! You think as well ?

Ayato : 'Cause those basement dudes were shady no matter what you think

We heard their talk and they got super angry. So there must be something

Yui : … Then, about what we're doing right now...

Ayato : … Heh, it can't be helped that you worry about it

But it's my fault that I broke the key, anyway...

He won't forgive me if I don't repair this key, so I have to

That's all the earl told us to do. There's no time to care about after

Yui : Yes, that's true, but...

Ayato : Oh, looks like we arrived

Scene change : Tirkiss waterfall

Yui : (Wow... This place is beautiful)

Ayato : Alright, let's go quick. C'mon, hold my hand

Yui : Yes

(There's swan shaped boats... Everyone seem to have fun...)

(To be honest, I also wanted to go on a date with Ayato-kun...)

(But now's not the time)

Ayato : …

*Ayato hugs Yui

Yui : … Kyaa !

(Ayato-kun suddenly...!)

Ayato : What's up ? You do nothing but look depressed

No need to worry about that. When we rapidly find the ore and repair the key...

We'll take your heart back from that earl bastard this time

And after that, let's go back having fun in the Demon World. Okay ?

Yui : Ayato-kun...

(Is he by any chance... encouraging me ?)

Hehe, you're right. Then, let's hurry

Ayato : Yeah

Scene change : Mine site

Ayato : Tch, it's fairly slippery... Hey, be careful where you put your feet

Yui : Yes...

(This place is kinda creepy... Besides, it seems to be in ruin...)

(It's not going to collapse, right... ? I'm a bit nervous...)

Ayato : Alright... Anyway, this area's good. Let's dig for a moment

Yui : Then, I'll dig over here...

Ayato : No, you shouldn't do that. It would be troublesome if you collapse again for doing unnecessary things. Just look around

Yui : … But... !

Ayato : I told you it's fine. Well then, I'll begin now ! Huh... !

*Ayato starts digging

Ayato : Uwah !

Yui : Kyaa !

Ayato : Tch, bats... ? Don't surprise me like that. Huh... !

Reiji is well versed in ore

It's a magic cristal that's about the size of a fist and shines in silver

Yui : Silver... ?

Ayato : Yep. So it's convenient to search them in the dark. If there's a shining stone, I'll find it right away. Huh !

Yui : Kyaa !

(Again... ! Is there something...?)

Ayato : Heh, what makes you nervous ? Anyway, it must be a low-grade familiar or something

Tch, it's still noisy. I can't help being distracted. I'll drive it out

I'll go look a little deeper so you stay here

*Ayato leaves

Yui : Ah, Ayato-kun...

(He left... Will he be alright...?)

Ayato : Hm ? What's that... ? U-Uwah !?

Uwaaaaaah-- !!

Yui : … !? Ayato-kun !?

(T-This is bad...!)

*Yui runs towards the voice

Scene change : Mine site

Yui : Ayato-kun, what's wrong !?

(… He's not here...?)

Ayato-kun-- !?

Ayato : Breastless-- !!

Yui : Kyaa !!

(Ayato-kun... ! He's caught by an incredibly giant eagle !!)

(W-What should I do... !? I have to save him...!)

Ayato-kun ! I'll save you right no-- !

Ayato : Enough 'bout that ! Look ! Inside its nest !!

Yui : Eh?

Ayato : Look, I said !! It's shining in silver ! So it must be the ore !!

Yui : Ah... !

(He's right... ! There's a lot of stones that shine in silver inside that giant eagle's nest...!)

Ayato : Take the ore, quick ! Hurry !!

Yui : (B-But...)

Y-Young birds are holding the ore... If I get closer, I'll surely...

(Make the giant eagle angry...!)

Ayato : You think it's time to pay attention to that !? Hurry and do that while the Great Me deals with that guy !

Yui : A-Alright...

I-I'm sorry... I'll just take one...

(They look like they're holding onto something very valuable... I see, birds must like glittering things...)

…...

… Kyaa !

Ayato : Shit ! Looks like that guy noticed you !

What's taking you so long !? Hurry and steal one ! … Owaaah !

*The eagle releases Ayato

Ayato : … Ouch...

Are you fucking kidding me !? Look ! That giant eagle returned to its nest ! Now we can't carelessly get closer !

And this was our chance... Just what were you doing... !?

Yui : B-But... !

(I couldn't do it in the end... ! Because no matter how much he says he'll deal with the eagle, I couldn't act like a thief...!)

(… The eagle is threatening us...)

Ayato-kun, let's go outside this time...

Ayato : Aah ? We're giving up ? Why... !?

*Yui leaves

Ayato : Hey, wait ! Breastless !

Scene change : Mine site -- Entrance

Ayato : Geez... What the hell were you thinking !? We were almost there !

Yui : I'm sorry... But you see...

The little birds were holding onto the stones like it's something very valuable...

I couldn't steal them no matter what...

Ayato : Aah ? The eagles are our opponents, no ? What the hell are you saying... ?

Yui : B-But you know... We're working hard to clear all our bad deeds until now, and yet...

Aren't we doing another bad deed if we steal something valuable from the eagles... ?

Ayato : … !

Yui : Besides, if we cause trouble to a person, we could apologize to them as before and have them understand our situation, but...

If we cause trouble to an eagle, we wouldn't be able to have it forgive us...

When I thought that, I couldn't steal the stones no matter what...

Ayato : Sigh... Seriously, you're only thinking about bothersome stuff...

But well, whatever. What's done is done

Let's look for another way now. It doesn't change the fact we need to get the ore

Yui : (Ayato-kun... He understood...)

Let's change location and dig at a mine ? I'll lend you a hand as well this time...

Ayato : Well... It's the only way...

Since then, Ayato-kun and I dug all

over the abandoned mine, but we

couldn't find that magical ore in the end.

We were completely exhausted and

reluctantly returned to the city.

Place : Glimmer street -- “Tarte Tatin” store

Ayato : … So, what do we do now ?

Yui : … Hmm...

(Seriously, what should we do ?)

(The deadline for repairing the key is today... And yet, we couldn't get the ore in the end...)

Ayato : Hey, I've been thinking. That earl bastard has rare ores, right ?

He steals treasures from all around the Demon World in the first place, so he must have one or two of those magical ores...

Yui : … I also feel like he must have some...

(We didn't steal ore from the eagles to repair the key... The earl should have seen everything, including that...)

(So he may give us some advice again...)

… That's right. We have nothing to lose by asking him

Ayato : Well, it's the only way. Now that we're settled, let's eat fast and go

Scene change : Rubin canal

Ayato : Ah, hey. Look !

Yui : Eh ?

Wow... !

Ayato : An aquatic parade, huh. Looks like we came at the right timing

Yui : Indeed. It's very beautiful...

Ayato : …

Hey, you know...

Yui : Eh ?

Ayato : About the eagle's nest earlier... Sorry

You thought carefully about many things. And yet, I did nothing but blame you...

Yui : Ah...

It's alright. I'm sorry, too

Ayato-kun... You tried so hard in order to get the ore, and yet...

Ayato : … Hey, Yui. Raise your head

*Ayato gets closer

Yui : Eh ? … Hmm...

Ayato : *kisses her

Yui : (… A very gentle kiss...)

(As if Ayato-kun was conveying his affection to me...)

Ayato : *kisses her

Yui : (I can understand it without words. As I thought, Ayato-kun...)

(… Clearly thinks about me...)

Chapter 3 : End

#Diabolik Lovers #diabolik lovers translations #diabolik lovers lunatic parade #sakamaki ayato #Komori Yui #chapter 3

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necropsittacus · 5 years ago

Note

for the ask thing, all the ones you have an interesting answer for

this is extremely long because I Love Oversharing so under a cut. thanks britta!!!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?tea, black; i've tried putting extra spices in it but i think i'm not doing it right bc it gets grainy and weird? i don't drink coffee anymore for "hey maybe we should stop consuming this thing that makes us feel like we're actually about to die" reasons but when i did it was with a fuckton of cream5. are you self-conscious of your smile?yeah; less so since i actually brush my teeth semi routinely now, so they're less awful, but i still have a slight overbite and a residual habit of covering my mouth with my hand if i open it very much 8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?either weird vent fanfiction that i never end up finishing, drawing in my notebooks, or i try to make the overly dramatic/pretentious thoughts that pop into my head into poetry (which i never end up finishing, go figure).9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?used to, but it's like. even besides insecurity about my voice and the fear that i'll be Too Loud and bother someone. the same internal barrier that makes it hard to speak out loud, especially if i'm not directly prompted to, applies to singing10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?usually side, and in the fetal position. occasionally back though13: what’s something that made you smile today?saw a chickadee!14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?god i don't know that's like. that's the fucking dream, for the future, but i hadn't gotten as far as daydreaming about *decoration* or anything of that sort. at the moment i tend towards covering things in movie posters and little trinkets i accumulate and toys and that sort of thing. i know i couldn't do sharing a room with someone else long term, it'd get stressy, so at least two bedrooms (or a bedroom and a pull out couch in the living room, that'd work), a little kitchen. no minimalism, but i might like having primary responsibility for Housecleaning sorts of things for my loved ones, or keeping things reasonably neat. just. something that feels like a proper home. safe. 16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?i am extremely boring and usually just do fettuccine alfredo. that said, cheese ravioli and pesto products are also very good. i just don't like super complicated foods with ingredients i don't recognize, or red sauce. red sauce is Sensory Bad. 17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?i mean i've been dyeing mine black since i was like 17 to the point that people think that's the natural color and i just let them, and honestly i'm very happy with thatred looked good on me, and i definitely like the way a lot of those super bright unnatural purples, blues, etc look on other people but it doesn't feel like "yes this is Correct this is what i'm Supposed to Look Like, this is the color it was *supposed* to be all along" in the same way, it just feels like i'm dyeing it a weird color for fun18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up."mola mola isn't a slur, right?"20: what’s your favorite eye color?idk about "favorite" but dark brown eyes are really pretty22: are you a morning person?i tend to be more productive and (assuming at least like five or six hours of sleep) more cheerful in the morning, but getting out of bed is a horrible struggle bc executive dysfunction and anxiety23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?tbh i HATE having those days, i don't like being super busy Either but i get really like bored/restless/I Am Going to Rip My Skin Off to Have Something to Do Please Let Me Out of the House if i genuinely don't have anything scheduled for a day? so i usually *make* obligations for myself, writing projects or something like that, if i don't have anything externally enforced. and go to the library or a cafe or something bc i feel more alive if i don't stay in my room all day24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?yeah26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?i mean i've only had them for like a year bc it turns out that wearing the same pair of shoes almost every day wears through them pretty fast, who would have thought? but black combat boots28: sunrise or sunset?sunset31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.they hurt but i p much only wear boots so i have to wear them all the time. also my feet are weird and fucked up and i don’t especially like looking at them. and then i forget to take them off to sleep so i just. wear them all the time except to shower. i like weird socks with like animal pictures or whatever but then i feel bad abt wearing them bc i wear out socks really fast for unclear reasons34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?ooh i had a lot!! most of them were sea mammals, a couple sharks i think? i had a couple rabbits when i was Really small but i don't remember them as clearlyi can't remember most of their names but they had whole like imagined stories and relationships to each other and shit, i definitely remember there was one stuffed orca that was almost as big as kindergartener me35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?oh absolutely!! i write mostly in pencil for ease of corrections and so it doesn't bleed through the paper, but i accumulate pens/weird ink colors/etc37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?see i *prefer* having my room be clean but it literally never is 39: what color do you wear the most?black. combination of "trying to be low effort goth" and that idk how to coordinate colors so all my outfits are either all black or like. black + one other color + possibly grey, bc i figure there's no way that could end up clashing horribly. also i only HAVE black pants anyway so like. 41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?mm i know accident by christa wolf hit me pretty hard in some emotions, and that was recent44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?i'm not sure that's an emotion i have tbhwhen i'm happy there's this kind of anxious edge to it, not necessarily in a bad way, but "at peace" is. an odd concept for me. the closest i get is this sort of quiet not-exactly-negative melancholy if i'm not behind on anything and it's raining and everything's just sort of soft yknow? 47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?marinara sauce. i hate that shit. i'll eat it on pizza or if i literally have to in order to get a meal and i can't physically handle not having one, but that's about it. also tomatoes more generally! i like ketchup but that's it. why do yall insist on putting tomatoes on everything all the time i Don't Like Them50: what’s an odd thing you collect?i keep all the toys i get out of kinder eggs and stuff like that. also i just have hyperempathy about inanimate objects and animals (and basically no empathy for humans most of the time, weirdly enough) and it's frequently difficult for me to throw things away because "well i'll be hurting it!" so uh. i just accumulate objects. i still have my old toothbrush somewhere55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?i straight up tried to kill myself to win an argument with mom once in high school. and i'm not talking like a mini fakeout attempt that wasn't supposed/expected to work, either, i did regret it but i was straight up prepared to die to get her to believe me 56: what are some things you find endearing in people?rambling/talking about your interests, emotional openness. if you like. send me things that reminded you of me/you thought i'd like, or initiate physical contact so i don't have to feel so weird/guilty about it, that's a very fast path to my affections. just being weird as shit. lots of little things, really. depends on the person a lot, though; either "person is Soft and Good and i feel like it's my responsibility to protect them" or "person is Kind of Scary/Edgy and i will attach myself to them and remain loyal no matter what and they appreciate it" are pretty consistent things, but those are a long way from the Only paths to my affection58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?awfully bold of you to assume i have a friend group and not just a disparate group of friends who mostly don't talk to each other. i AM semi consistently the weird vodka uncle though. 59: what’s your favorite myth?LOTS. that's not quite a fair question i can't pick one favoritethe volsunga saga does come to mind, though60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?i do!!! i thought i didn't because turns out the things they make you read in high school english are often Not Terribly Emotionally Resonant for me, funnily enough, but when i started reading russian poetry in college, and more mental illness focused stuff tbh, it was like Oh Shit This Is Really Cool. i really like vladimir mayakovsky!61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?when i was really small i gave my dad a care bears coloring book for his birthday because for some reason i didn't process that other people didn't have exactly the same interests as me??62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?i drink either unsweetened green tea or monster energy drinks in the morning. depends how much of a disaster i'm being on that particular day. 63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?all my music is online or haphazardly downloaded to my phone so there's. not really any way to organize that if i wanted to tbh. i make a lot of character or ship playlists that i'd put more effort into organizing if i ever got around to showing them to other people, but Also anything that isn't too embarrassing to risk anyone else seeing just gets put in one folder. i DO organize my books, though. i usually *forget* to put them back where they're supposed to go, but there is a proper order (everything from one author or franchise together, stuff like star wars or tolkien is together and in in-universe chronological order, stuff like that), and i get upset if people fuck with it67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?nice. it's very calming, and also bright sunlight hurts my eyes fjgshtf68: what’s winter like where you live?not very different from fall most of the time. climate change is making it more midwest-y, which i'm not sure if i'm happy about or not (snow nice, but summer is also progressing in that direction, which is unfortunate). somewhere between the 30's and 50's (fahrenheit), mostly pretty grey, it rains sometimes. it's not cold enough that i need to have a real coat, usually sweater+leather jacket is enough. my hands always hurt, though70: have you ever used a ouija board?yeah i used to do it with my brother sometimes. nothing ever happened tho76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?i need to write my paper proposal for nuclear lit and also draw some stuff for people that i've been putting off because my brain hates me and Catching Up On Everything I Should Have Been Doing a While Ago Is Scary77: pink or yellow lemonade?both? both is good78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?i have no real feelings on minions one way or the other but i have no interest in them and don't like seeing them all the time79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?someone i used to know was going to move away from their abusers and get a job and such, partly or mostly For Me, so we could run away and start things over together after i graduated. and then things blew up but. it was very sweet and sometimes i get emotional about the concept of that still 80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?three white, one blue. i didn't choose it, it came with the dorm room. my bedroom in my parents house has really dark blue walls, which i DID choose bc i wanted a dark color and my brother already had red ones and i wanted to distinguish myself from him. 82: are/were you good in school?mmm more or less, yes i'm terrible at certain kinds of projects and at getting stuff done without pretty much devastating my physical ability to function pushing myself at the last minute. that said, i'm very good at tests, good at papers, good at language learning and bullshit analysis. it's just like. PLEASE don't give me "fun creative projects!!!" or start with the "oh well tests aren't a good way of measuring learning, here's some other stuff that will be easier for you!" thing. i *like* tests. tests make sense and it's just sit down for an hour and you're done. it's the other stuff that's hard also i'm so used to my mother's ridiculous standards that it's like. yes i am good at school, in that my professors keep telling me i am Very Smart and things of that nature. but also i am terrible at taking care of myself while i have school because me being good at school is to some extent reliant on my brain's false insistence that Everybody Else Has Perfect Grades and Is Killing Themselves Slowly To Be The Best, so clearly we need to do that too! and any sacrifice is worth it! so eventually i just collapse84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?yeah definitely, at some point. there's other things that are more pressing to spend my limited amount of non-parent-controlled money on right now, but i know i want like. some manner of thing referencing my chronic turin turambar (self dx) status, probably his grave inscription or a sword (or both eventually!). probably also a bird of some sort85: do you read comics? what are your faves?see i'll happily read comics if there's a franchise i'm already interested in that has comics as part of it, but i'm not like a Comics Fan per se. i tend to find them kind of overwhelming because there's just So Much content and i don't know where to start and i usually get distracted before i finish. i did really enjoy mtmte and the tdc creation myths comics89: are you close to your parents?nope! i send my dad animal pictures, and vice versa, and that's about the extent of it when i'm not staying with them for breaks. mom's...Difficult(TM) and dad i get along with fine but i don't really know how to text him 92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?drowns. i want to be able to actually taste it.93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?my hair is too short to really have Different Styles. i just keep it combed pretty neatly bc that's the only thing i know how to do afngjdsgf94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?my friend emma @autisticsansamaybe people i care less about had them more recently but tbh if we aren't friends i don't know when your birthday is without being told96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?i have literally never updated this laptop because it does not have space for an update. this isn't even my fault. i have deleted *every single thing on it that is not important to make it actually run* in order to have enough space to update, and it STILL doesn't. 100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?a few months ago i would have said 5 years into the past, because i Desperately missed aspects of how my life was at that part of high school--mostly having people i loved and who loved me, who wanted a future with me, and the certainty of that, that i wouldn't just be On My Own Forever post educational system--but now? future. high school fucking *sucked* in a lot of ways, and also i was a terrible person and i don't especially want to go back to that version of me. future is like...scary because yeah there is a decent possibility i'll just be pretty much totally alone and having to work a job i hate to keep up, but like. there is also a possibility that i'll have the things i wanted all along in a more stable context, yknow?

#suicide ment /#alcohol ment /#ask memes #long post #very long post ajhnfgsf im so sorry

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let-it-raines · 6 years ago

Text

Rising from the Ashes (5/?)

Summary: When her husband died, Emma wasn’t sure that she could ever move on. He left her with a broken heart and a baby who was only three-months old. It’s enough to take most people down, to make them not want to keep going, but Emma Swan isn’t most people. She’s stronger than she has any right to be. And after years of heartache, she’s found ways to move on…one of those being in Neal’s best friend, Killian Jones. As she’s always known, however, things are more complicated than they ever seem to be.

Rating: Mature

A/N: You guys go into each chapter of this story with fear and excitement, and I really love that...it’s exactly how I go into writing each chapter!

Double “-/-” around the flashback!

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

Tag List: @artistic-writer @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @resident-of-storybrooke @captainsjedi @captswanis4vr @teamhook @ekr032-blog-blog @mayquita @bmbbcs4evr @wellhellotragic @kmomof4 @jennjenn615 @onceuponaprincessworld @shady-swan-jones @snowbellewells @snow-into-ash @andiirivera @mariakov81 @thejollyroger-writer @shireness-says @kristi555 @facesiousbutton82 @superchocovian

“Morning, Ems,” Neal greets her, yawning the slightest bit as he muddles around the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee from the pot she made about thirty minutes ago. She’s surprised there’s any left. She’s had two large cups after not getting any sleep last night. She’s been trying not to get back into drinking a lot of caffeine ever since she found out she was pregnant with Ada, having avoided it altogether for at least eleven months, and she’s trying to keep from getting back into her bad habits, especially when she’s still breastfeeding.

With how little she sleeps lately, the coffee has been calling her name.

Not literally. She hasn’t quite lost her mind yet, surprisingly enough.

“Morning,” she mumbles, taking a sip of her own drink while she finishes off some emails from work. They may have allowed her to take the rest of the semester off, keeping on her replacement from her maternity leave last semester, but she didn’t want to let all of the students she’s been working with for the past two years to not have her help applying to colleges when she’s been the one working with them and helping them every day. It also gives her something to do besides spend her time trying to calm her racing mind down or talking to a five-month-old. There’s only so much Ada can coo back. “How’d you sleep?”

“Okay. It’s taking some getting used to, but you know I’ve always had issues trying to get comfortable at night.” “Yeah, you have. We can buy you a mattress topper or a new bedspread or something if it’ll make you more comfortable. That’s not the best bed. It’s Killian’s old one from a million years ago, so if you let me know, I can take you to Target or something.”

Neal hums while he walks toward her and settles down across from her at the kitchen table. “What are you doing?” “Working. Ada’s morning nap is pretty much my only free time during the day, so I like to get a little done. What time is your therapy?”

“One. Why?”

She closes her laptop and looks up at him. He’s been here for two weeks, and it’s still just so damn weird looking at him. He looks so different, but sometimes when he smiles, she gets flashes of the man he once was before he left. “I can drop you off if you want. I know you’ve been taking an Uber, which cool, right? So much better than having to call a cab like we used to have to do. But I figured I could take you on my way to take Ada to the park and then after we can get Henry from school so he doesn’t have to stay late with Marg.”

Neal’s eyes light up, the excitement obvious in them, and she smiles to herself. His first meeting with Henry was a disaster, and she’s still kind of (extremely) pissed over what he said to her and Killian in the heat of the moment, but Neal has been so excited about spending time with Henry that she can’t help but forgive him a little bit. He was obviously just in shock and probably a little angry. She can’t blame him, not really, not with everything he’s been through and what exactly he came home to. It’d be hard for anyone to find out the world you thought you knew wasn’t at all what you thought.

He could have chilled out a bit, but Neal has never been one to control his emotions well.

She’s upset, but she’s not mad. It’s weird, and she’s stopped trying to explain it to herself. She really will go crazy if she keeps trying to make sense of everything.

She hopes Neal’s getting through a lot during his therapy sessions, even if he’s only been to two sessions since leaving the hospital, but hopefully he’ll keep going to all of his appointments and get to at least attempt to come to terms with everything. She doesn’t know how, but she hopes that he will. For him, for Henry, for everyone.

And they’re not exactly talking about anything at home. It’s like there’s a giant elephant in every room of the house, and she, Killian, and Neal are all ignoring it while Henry runs around like she’s just given him free reign at Disney World.

It’s probably unhealthy, but it’s easier for her right now. And honestly, she’s tired. She’s tired of Killian skirting around her and only showing her the minimum amount of affection, and she’s tired of Neal always looking at her with these longing eyes before he goes back to the iPhone he’s trying to learn how to use ever since Killian took him to Verizon last week. Yeah, they have some shit to figure out, but she can’t stop her life anymore to make this her sole focus. Maybe she should be more sympathetic to the both of them, but honestly, to her, she’s not in some kind of tragic love triangle. She’s just not. Even if she was in love with Neal a long time ago, she can’t just fall back in love with him now. Doesn’t mean things aren’t complicated, and while she was freaking out (how could she not be?) at first, she’s not anymore.

Okay, so a part of her is definitely still freaking out. But it’s a lesser part than last week.

Weirdly, while she thought having Neal at home would make things worse, it’s helped. It’s helped her to look at things as a one step at a time kind of deal. It’s made things more real without all of these thoughts and theories running around in her head. It’s actually made her calmer no matter how weird it is to have a man she thought was dead in her home. He’s similar to how he was, but he’s definitely more different than anything.

Thinking about what he must have been through breaks her heart, and sometimes she needs a moment to herself to collect her sob, take a deep breath, and be the person she has to be now. What’s that commercial about parents not being able to take a sick day? It’s for Tylenol or something. She’s not sure, but she understands it now even more than she did when she was alone with a one-month-old baby with no idea what she was doing until Ruth finally came to stay with her for awhile.

Normalcy is all she wants right now. She’s got to get everything back to normal.

Neal didn’t even know how to work a smart phone which makes sense but was still shocking in a way, especially since she remembers him having a Blackberry a million years ago. He’s doing well learning, though. He’s successfully used Uber several times to go to therapy and then out to eat on his own.

And she thinks his focus is all on adjusting back into a normal rhythm and getting to know Henry, so that’s really good. She wants Henry to know him and to be happy with having his dad back in his life as a normal, everyday thing. Neal’s going back to work after Thanksgiving too. She finds that a bit ironic. She took an entire semester off because of everything, and Neal’s diving right back into things.

Good for him. He should get the normalcy if that’s what he wants. She may never get back to the normalcy she’s trying to achieve, but Neal deserves it after everything. He’s doing so well when some of the worst things imaginable have been happening to him for so long. She can’t quite get over any of that.

“Yeah? We could pick up Henry?”

“Sure. I was thinking it’d probably be good for you to get to see his school, and he’s always the most chatty right after a day since he’s been hoarding all of this information all day so he can talk about it at home. And, like, I totally don’t want you to buy his love or anything, but the kid loves ice cream. There’s a shop just around the corner from the school.”

“Ice cream in November?”

She shrugs. “He’s got my sweet tooth.”

“I can see that.”

“So, um, yeah,” she sighs, scooting back in her chair and taking her glasses off of her face and placing them on her laptop, “we’ll do that. I’m going to go get ready and feed Ada when she wakes up. Help yourself to anything, as you know. I’m going to go grocery shopping tomorrow, so if there’s something you want, put it on the list on the fridge, okay?”

“Will do, Ems.”

She nods her head, not having anything else to say, before walking upstairs and heading into her room, closing the door so that she can take a shower. She really should have done that earlier, but this morning was so hectic. She got Henry ready for school on her own because Killian had to be at work at six for the damn monthly conference he has to do once a month, which seems to always fall on the day where Ada decides to have some kind of meltdown. But it’s all fine now. She got Henry in Mary Margaret’s car, and Ada eventually stopped crying once she ate and got another bath despite the one she had last night.

Kids are hard. Really damn hard.

Her shower is soothing though, the water washing away a lot of her stress as she adjusts the shower head and lets the water pound into her back instead of gently washing her off. Even though she doesn’t really have the time, she takes it to deep condition her hair, knowing how dry it’s been lately, and she actually shaves her legs. All of the way up and not just up to her knees or up to where her leggings show her skin when she’s running errands. She’s been in a relationship for a long time, so while shaving doesn’t always get done, it does get done more often than it has been lately.

It’d probably help if she was actually sleeping with Killian. That would get her to shave more often, but they pretty much fall asleep after making sure they’ve talked about their schedules for the next day. And they pretty much always fall asleep on opposite sides of the bed. Sometimes they drift together in the middle of the night, and she craves those nights and the warmth of Killian’s body wrapped around hers, but that hasn’t really been happening.

Okay, so yeah, her relationship is having some issues that she should probably think about and talk about some more, but she’s just letting Killian work through whatever it is that’s going through his mind. She tries to talk to him about it sometimes, but for once, he’s not feeling like opening up to her. He’s just not. He feels things so deeply all the time, usually more than any person she’s ever known, and while he has gotten good about sharing with her, sometimes he reverts back to how he used to be and keeps it all to himself.

She hates that.

If anything, she thinks that’s what’s freaking her out the most about Killian lately, not about her life as a whole. Killian has always been there for her, always, and even though he’s right here with her, sometimes he feels so far away. He’s not supposed to feel this far away.

-/-

“Sweetie,” Mary Margaret calls, and David immediately walks over to her from where he was talking to Killian over by the grill, “will you please go check on the boys?”

“The burgers might burn if I leave them.”

“Killian can watch them. So can we. We all know how to cook.”

“Emma doesn’t.”

“Hey,” she protests, shaking her head from side to side while sipping on her lemonade, “I can. I may not be, like a professional chef, but I can cook a decent meal. I have a six-year-old who I feed on a daily basis.”

“I cook a lot of our meals, love.”

“Hush,” she laughs, rolling her eyes at Killian and the stupid smirk he has on his face. “I cook all of the time, and I really feel like you guys shouldn’t be making fun of me when I provided the desserts for today.”

“Didn’t we bring ice cream?”

“Yes, but I paid for it.” “That’s not the same, Swan.”

She turns back to Mary Margaret who’s looking at her with a face full of amusement. “I think he wants to sleep on the couch tonight. I really do, and he hates the couch. Just last night after Henry went to bed we were fooling – ”

“And I’m going upstairs to check to make sure our children have all of their limbs still intact. I don’t need to hear about whatever it is you were just about to say.” “So immature.” “You are my little sister. I don’t need to think about what you do with Killian.”

“I can spell it out for you if I need to. It’s really short. Just three letters. Or four depending on how crude you want to get.” “Going upstairs now,” David says a bit too loudly while his cheeks flush red. He walks away toward the staircase, shaking his head back and forth, and she feels a little rush of pride making him embarrassed, especially since they’ve always had more of a friendly relationship than sibling. He was already out of the house and married when Ruth adopted her, so it’s not like he was around watching her go on dates. He was later, but not when he’s supposed to have been forming all of those protective older brother vibes. “Jones, don’t burn my burgers.”

“I’ll try not to, but I’m awfully distracted by your sister’s buns.”

Laughter rumbles through her stomach while her lips stretch into smile, one that makes her entire face hurt. She both can and can’t believe Killian just said that, and the blush on her cheeks probably matches the blush on David’s. Killian moves his brows across his forehead before winking at her, and it only makes her giggle more.

“I hate the both of you.”

“But I love you, Dave,” Killian calls out, blowing a kiss toward the staircase. “You too, Swan. Just to make that clear. You and your buns are my favorite if I had to pick a member of the family.”

“You’re ridiculous,” she laughs, covering her mouth with her hand. “But I’m glad to know you love me and my ass more than you love my brother.” “It’s a good ass.”

“You are such a horrible flirt.” “No, no. I am a wonderful flirt. How else could I make hamburgers and hot dogs dirty and charming?”

“Well, the hot dog jokes are super obvious, just fyi,” she laughs, calming down enough that she can take another sip of her lemonade. “And the buns are too, but I applaud your attempts, babe. Maybe something will come from it later.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. You’ll get to eat – ”

“Okay,” Mary Margaret interrupts them, “you guys can stop with the dirty jokes there. I don’t need to know anymore.”

“I was literally just going to say that he’ll get to eat the food he’s cooking. Where did you – oh my God, Marg, no,” she giggles, reaching up to flip her hair over her shoulder. “I’m not going to say that when you’re standing right there.”

“With the way that you two are, can you blame me for stopping you?”

“Yes.”

“Absolutely.”

“It’s like you guys are teenagers,” she sighs, shaking her head back and forth. “I’m going to go see what David and the boys are up to. You guys can continue to flirt out here. Just remember that we have neighbors.” “I promise that I’ll give them a show.”

Mary Margaret just sighs again, sliding open the door and walking inside, leaving just she and Killian out there. She’s not about to put on whatever show Killian was talking about, but she won’t pass up an opportunity to flirt with her boyfriend when he’s in such a good mood. He’s usually pretty reserved or more clever with his innuendos because of Henry, but when Henry’s not around, well, that’s another story.

Walking over to him, she wraps her arm around his waist and sticks her hand in the back of his pant’s pocket. It’s July, the sun shining down on them hotter than it has all year, but he refuses to wear shorts. He’s got a lot of quirks, but the short thing is definitely on up there, especially because he’ll walk around the house in this awful pair of plaid boxers that seem to keep popping up no matter how many times she hides them.

Maybe she just needs to throw them out, but honestly, he might break up with her if he finds out about that. He really loves those boxers.

Possibly more than he loves her.

“I was lying earlier when I told Mary Margaret I was simply going to say you could eat hamburgers and hot dogs. I say we let Henry run around in the yard a lot and then you and I get a lot of alone time tonight.” “Aye, I know.”

“What?” She slaps his chest before he starts moving the burgers onto the sheet pan. “How did you know?”

“You flipped your hair behind your shoulders.” “Right, forgot that you’re weird and know my supposed tells.” “It’s not weird, sweetheart,” he says as he gets the rest of the burgers off the grill and turns the gas off. “You can do the same to me. It’s what happens when you spend every day talking to the same person.” “Not sure if that’s a compliment or a complaint.”

Once Killian closes the hood on the grill, he turns toward her and places his hands on her shoulders before brushing his lips over her forehead, her eyes fluttering closed in response. “I think it’s more just being grateful that I get to spend my life with you. I don’t know another woman who would stand out here and let me make innuendos involving food in front of her family.” “This is true,” she admits, smiling up at him and wishing he didn’t have on sunglasses so she can see the blue in his eyes, even if his sunglasses are kind of hot. “I’m pretty much the cream of the crop, and I deserve to be appreciated every day.” “And you’re also humble. Can’t forget to appreciate that.”

“Exactly.”

She presses up on her toes to quickly slide her lips over his, just a few short pecks over and over again until she hears the sliding glass door open.

“Daddy,” Henry calls out, “I’m hungry, and Uncle David told me to ask you when we can eat.”

“Right after you wash your hands. Have you done that?”

“Yes.” “Have you really?”

“No,” Henry admits, hanging his head a little bit.

“Then I suggest that you go wash them, okay?”

“Okay,” Henry nods his head before stepping back inside where she knows he probably will do it simply because Killian told him to. He’s going through a phase where everything Killian tells him is basically gold whereas she’s pretty much useless in getting him to do anything.

“How’d you know he was lying? Does he have a tell too?”

Killian shrugs, moving his hands off of her shoulders and turning to grab the pan of burgers. “He’s a kid, darling. He doesn’t like washing his hands or brushing his teeth. No one needs your superpower to figure that out.”

“My superpower is pretty cool though, right?”

“It’s amazing until I’m trying to surprise you, and I have to pull off a covert mission just to buy you a necklace for our anniversary.”

She reaches up to grab the necklace that’s around her neck, feeling the circular diamond pendant that she wears every day without fail. “I’m glad that you did pull off this particular covert mission.”

“Me too, love. Let’s go eat before your brother thinks that I’m actually burning his burgers.”

“The audacity.”

-/-

She shakes off the thoughts of she and Killian and finishes her shower before turning the water off and drying herself before pulling on her robe and wrapping her hair in the towel. Getting ready quickly has pretty much become something she’s an expert in, so she quickly brushes her teeth again in an attempt to get rid of the taste of coffee that’s lingering before she puts her moisturizer on her face, smoothing it into her skin. She looks down at her jewelry tray, the one that stays on her bathroom vanity, and she picks up her necklace and clasps it around her neck, leaving her wedding ring there.

There’s noise on the baby monitor, the beginnings of a wail, and she knows that Ada’s going to cry before she even gets in there. And even though it still breaks her heart every single time her baby is upset, she lets her wail a little bit while pulling on her leggings and pullover, figuring that she’s just going to walk the path at the park anyways. There’s no need for her to put on jeans or anything nice.

It’s still a little weird for her not to be working and not having to get ready in something that’s school appropriate, but she can’t say she hates not having to wear pants with buttons and zippers. After she’s got her shoes on, she finally heads into Ada’s room, feeding her and changing her, making sure she’s got on clothes warm enough for the chill outside, before grabbing her diaper bag and heading downstairs where Neal is already waiting at the door.

“You ready to go?”

“Yep. Just waiting on you.”

The drive to Neal’s therapist’s office is only fifteen minutes, so they don’t talk much. One of the things she’s noticed is that he’s much quieter than he used to be, at least when he’s at home with everyone. When he’s with just her, things are usually a bit more comfortable. She’s not sure if maybe he’s just pissed at Killian or if he’s simply more comfortable being with her. If anything, she figured he’d be pissed at her for moving on. Realistically, she knows that she did nothing wrong, but guilt is a powerful thing. And Neal feeling like he doesn’t have a family…she’s not going to let that happen. She’s going to figure out how to let him be happy with Henry without all of the lingering hostility she can feel when they’re eating dinner or watching television at night.

“So I’ll pick you up around two thirty, and we’ll go pick Henry up, okay?”

Neal nods his head before getting out of the car, giving her a wave and a smile before she’s driving off.

It’s a beautiful fall day out, and the lake at the park glistens under the sunlight while the fallen leaves scatter the concrete path she’s walking with Ada. Right after Ada was born, Emma joined a walking group with several other mom’s, but after about three sessions and thirty judgmental looks for being unmarried, she quit going to them. As much as she’d like to have friends with kids the same age as hers, sometimes it’s just not worth the effort. Or the judgment. And she doesn’t want to be friends with anyone who’s going to judge her anyways.

You just have to do things that bring you joy.

Marie Kondo it.

She literally hoards onto everything, so Marie Kondo probably isn’t the best example for her. She may be more like Hoarders whereas Killian is Marie.

Her phone rings in her pullover pocket, and she grabs it, sliding her fingers across the screen when Killian’s face pops up.

“Hey, babe,” she greets while maneuvering the stroller away from a dip in the pavement.

“Hey, love. How are you? How was this morning? I’m sorry I had to leave early.” “I mean, I’m fine. This morning was a disaster. I think Ada could sense my fear of doing things alone, so she was a little monster. And Henry was dragging. But we made it. I’m at the park with Ada now so we can get some exercise and fresh air. What about you? You at lunch now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs, clicking his tongue while she hears voices in the background. “It’s been pretty hectic around here. We had some stuff I can’t tell you about happen, and it’s pretty much been an entire day in the conference room. I offered to go out and get lunch simply so I could call and check up on you.” “That’s sweet, and I’m sorry. I know you hate working in the conference room instead of your office.” “The blasted chairs alone.”

“Such an old man.” Ada makes a noise, and Emma lifts up the cover to make sure that she’s okay. She is, just playing with her toy, and Emma covers her back up with the shade. “Hey, so I dropped Neal off at his therapy, and I’m going to take him to Henry’s school so he can see a bit more about him. Then I was thinking we’d take him to Freeze Frame down the street. I’m guessing you’re too busy to get off of work and join us?”

“I am, love. I’m sorry.” “It’s fine,” she promises, trying not to feel sullen about how defeated Killian sounds. “I just thought it’d be nice to ask. We’ll have to go with you on another day. I really doubt Henry will object to more ice cream.”

He chuckles into the speaker, and it’s good to hear that. She wants to hear him laugh, see him smile. She understands that he’s going through a lot right now. She is too. But it’s nice for him to sound normal.

Normal. How many times a day does she think the word normal? She should get it embroidered on a pillow or something.

“Very true. Our boy likes ice cream. Maybe this weekend I’ll take him out to do something. I’ve been trying to let him spend time with Neal, but I do miss us getting to do stuff. So maybe I can get him out and about with me.” “You know you don’t have to stop doing things with him, right? He can spend time with you both. It doesn’t have to be either or. Just this morning he was asking if you’d be home early enough for you guys to work on the swing set before everything gets too cold.” Killian mumbles something under his breath that she can’t understand. “Swan, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you at home, okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighs, something heavy settling in her stomach, “I’ll see you at home.”

She and Ada walk a few more laps before it’s time for them to go pick up Neal so that they can get Henry. Neal is waiting outside on the front steps of the office when she pulls up, and he hurriedly gets in the car, sliding into the front seat and buckling his seatbelt before he goes back to thumbing through his phone, casually talking to her and asking her about some of the places they pass along the way. She forgets that he doesn’t know Portland, that he’s never been here before, so she’s happy to show him some places to make him feel more at home.

Instead of pulling through the pick-up lane at school, she parks the car and gets out as Neal does the same. Ada’s asleep, which almost always happens after their walks, so Emma undoes her car seat and carries her inside as they make their way into Henry’s school.

“So this is a good place, huh? Neal asks, his eyes following the murals on the side of the building.

“Yeah, it’s really good. Besides Mary Margaret teaching here, one of the big factors for our move was the school district. I think Killian spent weeks investigating and calling all of the administrators. It was a little ridiculous, but it’s worth it now. Henry’s super happy here, and he’s doing great in school.” “That’s good. I think the schools back in Virginia were pretty good too.” “Yeah, they were great, but we couldn’t stay on base after...you know. And I really like living here. It’s a nice place. You can live in the suburbs and drive into the city. Plus, there are so many nice beaches under two hours away. We usually go to Boothbay in the summers.”

Neal simply hums next to her. “So you don’t plan on moving back to Virginia? That’d be closer to where I want to work. My options here are pretty limited.”

She stops her walking as the bell to indicate the first wave of students are released from school rings. Ada stirs a bit, but she stays asleep. “What are you talking about? Why would we move? We have a life here.”

“Yeah, but we were supposed to have a life there. We had it all planned out, Ems. Don’t you remember? We were going to get the bigger house with the pool? And Henry was going to go to that private school in DC? I remember us making all of those plans when you were decorating the nursery.”

“Neal,” she sighs, tightly closing her eyes to fight back the tears and the flashes of memories, “of course I remember, but we were a lot younger, me especially, and those were just dreams. And our lives have obviously not gone as planned. I understand that you’re probably trying to cling to the past. I would do the same thing, but you can’t. Isn’t that what Dr. Carter kept telling us at the hospital? That we can’t go back, so we have to try to move forward. We’re not those people anymore. We don’t have that life, so you have to adjust your dreams. Hopefully there’s one out there just as good. Maybe even better. I promise that this is a really good school, a really good place.”

He smiles, just a small twitch of his lips that makes his entire face crinkle, but he doesn’t say anything else, walking up the path to where there’s now hundreds of kids leaving the school. A shiver runs down her spine as a gust of wind blows by, but she shakes it off and catches up with Neal so she can show him where Henry’s pick-up line is.

“Momma,” Henry shouts, tugging at Mary Margaret’s cardigan until she looks up and makes eye contact with Emma.

“You can go,” Mary Margaret tells him, and he’s quickly making his way over to she and Neal, wrapping his arms around her waist first.

“Hey, kid,” she sighs, kissing the top of his head. “Why don’t you talk to your dad about your day for a bit while I talk to Mary Margaret?”

“Okay,” he sighs, pulling back from her before he’s turning to Neal and chatting almost as quickly as he can. She’s glad that he’s gotten a lot of his pep back. He was far too quiet when everything happened at first, and that absolutely flooded her with worry. She’s pretty sure he was just reflecting how she and Killian were, and that was not okay with her. She can’t let all of the conflict and confusion get to him.

“Hey, Marg,” she greets when she gets to her, placing Ada’s carrier on the ground and taking her out of it now that she’s woken up. “How are you?”

“Tired,” she complains, checking off two more kids to go home. “The VP observed class today, and he watched mine just after lunch.” “So when they’re the worst?”

“Exactly. I thought I was going to – ”

“Mrs. Nolan, my grandma is here.” “Okay Amanda, you can go. Don’t forget your science project tomorrow.” “I won’t.”

“She will,” Mary Margaret sighs, reaching over and squeezing Ada’s arm. “God, I miss when Leo was this tiny. I mean, I get so much more sleep now, but there’s nothing like those baby stages.”

“For someone who’s exhausted, you’re asking for more exhaustion.” She laughs. “I’m too old to have more kids, but I can admire my precious niece.” Mary Margaret’s eyes dart away from her students and turn toward where Henry and Neal are. “So how’s that going? I need to come over and talk one day because I feel like David and I haven’t helped nearly enough, especially after that first day.”

“The first day was the worst, but it’s gotten better. Things are still hard, obviously, but they’re getting better, I think. Neal’s pretty quiet. Killian is even quieter. I honestly think they’ve got some kind of macho man contest going on, and it’s driving me insane.” “So they’re both feeling territorial?” “I think so, and I get it, but I also don’t get it, you know? Yeah, things are messed up, but I’m my own person and neither of them have rights to me. It’s taken me a minute to understand that, because I’ve always felt some kind of obligation to Neal, but – ”

“Well don’t you?” “Don’t I what?”

“Have an obligation to him? He’s your husband. You made a commitment to him.”

She tries to keep the anger bubbling under her skin to a minimum. She really does. They’re around kids, and this was supposed to be a quick conversation while Mary Margaret is doing drop off, and she’s still got Ada in her arms.

“Marg, I love you. I really do, but you and David are entirely different than any relationship I’ve ever had. Yes, I made a commitment to Neal once upon a time, but that doesn’t mean I owe him anything, even if I’ve felt that way before. I just…I just want him to get to know Henry and to be happy in this second chance at life that he’s getting. That’s all I want.”

She also signed those papers, which she still hasn’t told Neal about. Honestly, she needs to meet with a lawyer at some point and get her shit figured out. And tell Neal they’re not married anymore. That should…she should probably do that.

She really doesn’t want to do that.

“So you don’t – ”

“No. I think I may break his heart, but I’ll always be here for him, you know? To help him get his life back, to make up for the time he’s lost. There’s so much that’s happened, none of it that’s his fault, but I can’t snap back to how things were. I don’t want to. I think I’m just trying to hold everything together and make sure Henry isn’t overwhelmed. He’s still doing okay in school?”

“Yeah, he’s great, hon,” Mary Margaret promises, reaching over and squeezing Emma’s shoulder. “He’s waving to you now. I think it might be time to go.” “Yeah,” she sighs, reaching down and picking up Ada’s carrier while balancing Ada in her arms, “it is. I’ll talk to you later.”

She walks back over to Neal and Henry, plastering a smile on her face and tugging Henry to her side. “Dad says we’re going to get ice cream. Is that true?”

“Yep! We’ve got to show him the magic of Freeze Frame.” “They have sixty flavors,” Henry excitedly begins, walking toward the car, “and you can mix them. Plus they have toppings, but daddy says we can only have three toppings when we go because however much your ice cream weighs is how much it costs.”

“Tell you what, buddy, you can have as many toppings as you want. My treat.”

-/-

“Yeah, and on my fifth birthday, I had a lego cake. It was super cool, and there was a Batman on top.”

“Really? Was he made of legos too?”

“He was made of icing.” Henry takes a large spoonful of his birthday cake ice cream with far more sprinkles than any child should ever have, which is how they got onto the topic of Henry’s birthdays. “It was so cool.”

“I bet,” Neal tells him while he takes a bite of his own ice cream. “I have something else that I bet that you’ll think is cool.”

“Yeah?” Henry’s eyes light up, and she scoops up some of her remaining mango. She always claims they can’t come here much because Henry will lose his mind, but really she’s starting to think that it’s because she’ll eat it all. At least she doesn’t like sprinkles though. They’re pretty but so gross.

“Yeah. It’s super cool. I got a call today asking if I wanted to be on TV, and I told them yes. They’re going to come to our house, and you can be on TV too.”

She chokes on her ice cream, having to force the melted liquid down her throat, which only makes it worse. What the hell? Did he just say that he invited interviewers to the house? And that Henry will be on it too? They already have enough people calling and asking to talk over the phone as well as people waiting outside the house some mornings. This is the absolute last thing they need.

And he didn’t even ask. She thought he’d have the common courtesy to at least talk to she and Killian about this, but Neal has always just done things his own way. He likes to take charge. But he can’t do this. She won’t let him do this. She always let him lead in the past, but if they’re going to do this whole co-parenting thing, he has to learn how to ask. She’s not twenty-one and an unfortunate pushover anymore.

“Really? I’m going to be on TV?”

“Yeah! Isn’t that exciting?”

“Neal,” she says softly, adjusting Ada in her lap so she can’t grab Emma’s cup and dump ice cream everywhere, “we need to talk about this.”

“Oh come on, Ems, it’ll be great. They’re paying me. Said that they wanted to do a profile on how I’m adjusting back into life with my family. I figured you, me, and Henry could do it. I think it’ll be nice.”

God, he looks so excited, but she…she can’t do that. She doesn’t want her life on display, not after how it has been recently. Everywhere she goes she just gets all of these…looks. “If you want to do interviews, you can, but you can’t commit Henry to anything without asking me first. And you can’t commit me to things either.”

“But I want to do it, Mom!” Henry insists, looking over at her with his eyes wide and pleading.

It’s exactly why she and Killian don’t tell Henry anything without talking about things first. And she knows that Neal is learning, that he’s really only been a dad for two weeks, but she kind of feels like this is common sense. Maybe it is or maybe she’s just been a mom for nearly a decade and knows these things.

She’s still pissed though, especially because now she’s either going to have to do the damn interview or tell Henry that he can’t, which she already knows isn’t going to go over well.

Fuck.

“Kid,” she sighs, closing her eyes for a second to give herself some composure, “I’m not saying yes. I have to think about it. We have to talk to Daddy. I know it’s exciting to be on TV, but you have to wait and see.” “But Mom,” he whines, his bottom lip jutting out, “I want to.”

“I know, but this is a grown-up decision. Why don’t you finish your ice cream before it melts?”

“Fine,” Henry grumbles, stuffing his already melting ice cream in his mouth while she stirs hers around, her appetite for the melted mango gone.

She really does not like breaking her kid’s heart, and she knows that this whole adjustment period is going to take some more…adjusting. It’s just going to take time is all. They all simply need time.

Everything will be fine.

#rising from the ashes #captain swan #cs fic #cs ff

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koolkvat-blog · 6 years ago

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hello loves , what’s up ! i’m super excited to be here & to finally play my precious girl , jade aka kool kat . i’m LOLA , use she / her prounouns , i am NINETEEN , & i am currently in the gmt + 1 timezone which means yes , my ass should’ve been awake for intro posting but i don’t know what time management is and ended up swamped w/ work , so ! everything you need to know about about miss kat is under the cut , & i’m rlly thrilled to be apart of such a wonderful rp with such gorgeous muses . corniness over –– if you’re looking to plot sumn out , just hit that ♥︎ & i’ll make my way on over to ur dms , or feel free to add me up on discord which i’ll give in im’s if anybody’s interested ! ♡♡♡ tw : family issues , body image issues & drug mention ( not explicit ) .

001 . SYNOPSIS . FULL NAME . jade kikuchi . NICKNAMES . kool kat . AGE . twenty - one . DATE OF BIRTH . twenty - seventh of september , 1993 / libra . PLACE OF BIRTH . harajuku , tokyo , japan . GENDER . cisgender female . SEXUALITY . ( closeted ) pansexual . NATIONALITY . japanese , now american too after successfully gaining citizenship . ETHNICITY . asian . OCCUPATION . fashion designer at katz designz , former fashion design and journalist student back in her original timeline . PLAYLIST . here ! ( + ) charismatic , enthusiastic , warm , energetic , adventurous , compassionate , animated . ( - ) deceptive , independent , emotional , territorial , ambitious , impulsive , temperamental , insecure , sarcastic .

002 . AESTHETIC . wheatgrass smoothies , 90′s anime with subtitles , chanel no. 5, speeding on a desert road with the windows down , painting your toenails on the dashboard , neon prints , cat lazing on a balcony in the sun , black lace , japanese horror films , sour cocktails with sugar around the rim , half - smoked cigarettes , stacks of fashion magazines , long hair hastily dyed different colours in a motel bathroom , thrift stores .

003. INFORMATION .

tl;dr : a flighty, inattentive adventurer: a follower of whims; personable and sociable but lacks the skills to maintain relationships because she’s entirely (and perhaps too) career focused, checks her horoscope daily and entirely relies on the stars when concerning relationships, epitome of a britney spears / gwen stefani stan back in the 2000′s, still owns a (bedazzled) flip phone, collector of vintage fashion (chanel, elle, juicy couture etc.) a subscriber to the Leonardo Da Vinci sleeping method; catch her at 2 am making soufflés or buying plane tickets to shiwei so she can really experience the culture: will tell you she loves you ten minutes after first introduction because she’s high: kind of unintentionally insensitive to those she doesn’t know and closed off but in like a cool, lovable way.

• heads up im running on like 5 hrs sleep so sry when this inevitably derails ! ok sweet let’s get into this .

• so as aforementioned this is jade kukichi, aka, kool kat. she was dubbed that by her friends due to her unique fashion style and sense of dress, and it’s stuck. lbr nobody other than her friends can use that term so if you do, she’s just going to stare at u for a quick sec before saying ‘it’s jade’.

• born in harajuku, tokyo to a cardiothoracic surgeon of a father and a politician of a mother, jade grew up traveling the world and becoming flighty af, never thinking she was going to make long - term friends and kinda being okay with that.

• her family has never stayed in one place for very long, though her aging parents eventually settled into a permanent residence in the us around the time she turned sixteen, not soon enough for jade to break the habit of wandering, but thankfully quick enough for her to meet the bratz girls who were just as adventurous and fun - loving as she. she's spent much of her teen life jumping from place to place wherever her interests are that moment, collecting people along the way, but to find friends was the only thing she was missing. jade has a brilliant mind, but she lacks patience and follow through. she needs guidance or she'll jump from idea to idea, job to job, whim to whim.

• ngl, jade pretty much hated her home life. her parents were an overbearing presence in her life, her mother wanting jade to be a proper lady who also went into a profession like theirs (entirely serious and stifling when it came to creativity, doctor, politician, lawyer etc.) while jade herself wanted to check out the latest trends and go to the mall w her friends – so she turned all of her focus and energy into getting good grades in everything she wanted to do in the hopes that she could be the most successful fashion designer, then leaving town forever.

• like she spent 7 yrs in high school graduating w honours but she barely knew what was happening in 9/10 of her classes and sometimes she just slept through classes and then wing her exams which she miraculously did well at. it was just not a good idea to send jade to a public school at 11 after being in boarding school for the rest of her life and then never really enforce any rules :~\ she has trouble with that kind of thing.. as in making logical choices instead of saying "YEAH lets go watch american psycho and smoke weed!" skipping chemistry to do just that

• she loves fun and values doing what makes her happy over most things. it's hard to pin her down and she spends most of her life chasing after ideas that don't really follow any sort of conscious order, bc she’s really got that ‘i’ve got dreams and i’m gonna do everything in my power to achieve them’ personality.

• according to bratz canon she��s worked as literally everything ? she’s one of those insufferable people who r just. good everything ig and that’s just how it is on this bitch of an earth. jade’s been a photographer, a song - writer and bass player in a rock band (shout out to bratz rock angelz the best movie w the best soundtrack ever), a student studying fashion design, a fashion columnist, a quickly fired nanny, and many other things in between.

• so when she appears in toonsville she’s kind of out of it that she’s not doing something w her skills and sets up her own business which she loves ? being her own boss suits her fine (for now) because she’s got a Real Job and she's actually trying rly hard so she can fulfill her dreams !! like suck it mom nd dad haha !!!

• jade has a lot of weird feelings TM about her body and her looks and struggles a lot with her self confidence :~( she had a shit time at school with boys saying she was too thin and she compensated by acting like she didn't like anyone at all for a while and now she thinks she isn't good enough for anyone when rly she is a cinnamon bun too good for this world too pure

• best friend ever she is so good at being a friend if u text her at 3am to go out or cry on her shoulder shes ready to go at 3:15 even if she was sleeping w lots of snacks and treats and love!!! she is sooo extroverted around those she’s comfortable w, she gains so much energy from being around people and she loves being nice and being around ppl she likes

• she becomes the mom of groups pretty easily (hence why she’s the leader of the bratz) bc she bottles up most of her own problems to help ppl with theirs!! which is toxic yea but she puts people first always so !! plz help her poor repressed soul!! rip kool kat..

• still super into the stuff of her time so like.. she loves the x files and bad reality tv shows (i want to be a hilton) and reads gossip magazines on the reg because she enjoys that stuff! also very into girl groups.. ginger spice / posh spice is an eternal mood.

• anyway yes sweet adult-child of 21 (she is in denial about that tho like she doesn't want to be childish) who is v nice v kind v loyal v baked a lot of time, v passionate v silly. idk what i'm doin hope u like it < 3

004. WANTED CONNECTIONS .

friends / best friends / ride or dies . jade genuinely loves people, loves talking to strangers and getting into intense conversations with people she’s only just met, learning other people’s way of life and bettering herself for getting. she is, however, incredibly blunt and has never once minced words to keep from hurting someone’s feelings or to ease them into a situation. she’d much rather have a one-time conversation with a stranger than make long lasting relationships. she has three very close friends – to the point of co - dependence – and honestly, she’d rather spend all of her time doing things she loves such as her hobbies, sticking her nose into the latest vogue, or searching for cute collars and treats for her cat mica w them instead of making new friends. she's also FUN and she'd be happy to go on crazy road trips or buy out a movie theater for a day or anything that she thinks will her buds happy. she's traveled all over, so she’s v well read and cultured. she loves people but she hates complication and won't deal with any sort of emotional labor. she wants to live in the moment and expects everyone in her life to do so as well. just be chill, y'all.

frenemies / enemies / rivals . please be her enemy, she needs people to antagonize shdhshd. she grew up pretty much affluent so she’s pretty spoiled even if she doesn’t want to admit it, and that rebellious side of her hasn’t died down yet. despite the fact that she is wealthy and in good community standing, she has a hard time letting go of childish grudges. in general she’s got a lot of suppressed feelings and ready to fight everyone who hurts her friends – like an irritated cat – so, honestly, come at her ? she is sometimes a little fickle and flighty and a unintentionally stuck up when it comes to art / fashion and she has definitely said the wrong thing at the wrong time and pissed the wrong people off, she can’t stand anyone underestimating her or thinking she’s dumb bc she’s interested in fashion. like gtfo !

ex’s , fwb’s , possible love interests . jade is fairly fluid romantically and is the type of person who hates labels but also just wants to be cherished and called cute pet names lowkey. she loves a lot and gives a lot to her relationships, but typically doesn't want to commit to anything important. she’s gone from one disastrous relationship to another, ending up with a boyfriend who constantly ridiculed her image that was essentially the catalyst for her cutting off romantic ties, quite a recent wound before she found herself on the island actually. worst thing is tht she’s convinced herself that she’s been the problem in these relationships – that she turns good people bad or that she is too much for people to deal with, she’s not sure what the issue is and she doesn’t really want to know. so…. fuck everything amirite ? anyway, she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no (wo)man.

etc . pls give me people jade can give a makeover to, people she shares an apartment w on the island, people who think fashion is girly and vapid.. creatives who love what she’s doing, anything tbh << 3

#cartoons:intro #ngl making jade's playlist was the best part about this

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peggyfromtheblockk · 7 years ago

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Get to Know the Blogger

Hey! So, I’ve realized aside from a few comments here and there, I haven’t really talked on here at all! This sad thought made me realize it was time to share a lot of unnecessary stuff so maybe you can get a basic--detailed--idea of who I am. So here’s a bunch of word vomit and feel free to come talk to me, I promise I’m a lot nicer than a lot of my answers make me seem lol

Name: You can call me E.

Age: 20

Zodiac sign: Aries

Height: 5’7

Languages spoken: English but I do remember a few random words of Spanish

Nationality & Location: American and Michigan

Work: Currently working in the infant room at a daycare

Favorite fruit: Blueberries

Favorite scent: Lavender, vanilla, or apple

Favorite animal: I really love otters and llamas

Favorite fictional character: Dana Scully of course (though, I do have a soft spot for Stella Gibson)

Favorite candy: KitKat’s but currently I’ll devour almost any chocolate given to me

Favorite holiday: Christmas and Halloween. But probably Halloween more because I love the prep and the actual day, whereas I just really love the prep for Christmas

Favorite season: I really like autumn because my hometown and college towns are so beautiful but I love spring because I love everything coming back to life

Favorite Social Media? Twitter, but like, stan twitter

Favorite thing about where you live? I just love that I have some of my favorite people within literal minutes of me. It’s a really comforting feeling. And we have a fair every year which is gross but entertaining at the same time

Favorite swear word? Probably shit, but fuck and damn do escape quite often

What are you listening to: As of right now When I Kissed The Teacher from MM2

What Books Are You Reading? I have three books I haven’t finished and haven’t touched in like two months. We, Beaches, and Yes Please

What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed? Around 1 in the morning usually

What Makes You Happy? A lot of things, though I don’t always realize that. I’m usually an “It’s the little things” person too. BUT to answer, Gillian and msr never fail to make me happy

What Are You Craving Right Now? I could smash a plate of spaghetti right now

What Is Your Gender? Female (she/her pronouns)

What Is Your Sexuality? Bisexual but I’m definitely like 85% women, 15% men

What’s The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? MAMMA MIA 2 IM SO EXCITED

What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? I’m a sucker for blue eyes

What Do You Wear To Bed? A tee and shorts usually but if I’m in The Mood I’ll wear just a tee (Yes, That Mood)

What Sounds Are Your Favourite? I love the sound of a campfire and babies laughing or babbling literally melts my heart

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Usually, their eyes but I’m drawn to those with a bright genuine smile

What’s something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Being With My People. They never fail to make me feel warm and fuzzy. Also when I get a cute little note from my favorite professor on an assignment because she is like the light of my life

What are your hobbies? When I’m not in school I like to read and I’m able to write some. During school, you can find me watching x files, sleeping, or enjoying movies or music

What’s your favorite book? I love anything by Laurie Halse Anderson and really anything in the YA genre

What inspires you? Gillian is really inspiring to me because of all the work she does to help others. Bette Midler too

What’s your favorite place in the whole world? well, ok. So, I love Mackinac Island because it’s so beautiful and peaceful (even with thousands of tourists covering the tiny location) but I also just love when I’m with my people. When I’m with one of My People wherever we are, that’s my favorite place because I’m really happy. Also, I really love my work because nothing exists outside those four walls except the babies I take care of

What do you typically have for breakfast? A big cup of coffee and the occasional bagel or bowl of cereal

What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? The first semester of my sophomore year I had this 60-70 page case study due for the end of the term for an education class. For at least a week I would stay up until about 5 am working on it, go to sleep, get up at 7:30 am and do it all over again. That’s been my most stressful and sleep deprived time of my life so far and just looking bad makes me shudder. At least I got a 99% on it

What makes you angry? A lot of things. Let’s not get into that.

What makes you nervous? Uh, everything. But thinking about the real part of my future (bills, working, adulting) really gets me going

Do you wear glasses: Yes and these specific frames fucking suck and my eyes keep getting worse (my doctor told me I’d need surgery before I turned 30, wtf thanks dude)

Do You Have Freckles? Yes and it used to bother me how many I have but thanks to fics that mention Scully’s, I’ve become fond of them

Do You Sing In The Shower? When my family or suitemates aren’t home, then yes I usually belt it all out but usually, I stick to humming

Do You Collect Anything? Postcards and shot glasses. And llama things now too apparently

Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean? Pool because it’s clean and I can see the bottom

Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? It depends on the subject or the task but I almost always need some type of constant sound

Do You Save Money Or Spend It? Save it usually but I also tend to spend it all on a big impulse purchase

Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? That’s why I’m here lmao

Do You Have Strange Dreams? Alright so I just started taking Zoloft and before it, my dreams would be weird but like unrealistic-weird, like having-a-bad-trip-weird. But since starting the med, my dreams have become realistically-weird, like sometimes I wake up and question if that all really happened

Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning? When I’m at school, yes, but when I’m home I usually just say fuck it because I’ll be back in it at least 8 more times

Do You Like To Read / Write? I love to read (fics, duh) but I do try my hand at writing but I struggle to finish anything and I’m terrified to post any of my work on here

Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About? YES and it’s just barely halfway into summer break and I’ve got a huge assignment due the first day back

Do You Get Homesick? Sometimes but I really do love my college life and wouldn’t change it

Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More? A mix but because of work, jeans most days

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Sarcasm is my middle name

Do you believe in miracles? Yeah I think so

Do you have any special talents? I don’t think so but I’m good at taking care of kids. Sometimes my supervisor calls me the baby whisperer lol

Do you have any pets? Three cats and a dog and some succulents

Do you have any siblings? A little (half) brother and then technically I have four other half-siblings but they don’t know I exist

Do you believe in the paranormal? Absolutely. A big secret of mine….I actually could, and sometimes still can interact with spirits...Just call me Mrs. Spooky

Do you play any instruments? Nope but somehow I have managed to have a guitar and a keyboard in my possession. I do sing though and was in choir for 7 years

Do you have any crushes? Do celebrities or fictional characters count? If no, then no

Do you have any bad and/or anxious habits? I just have panic attacks a lot lmao and I tend to get really bitchy and mean when I’m anxious which I feel bad about but I can’t stop it

Do you believe in anything enough to fight for it? My right to marry whoever I want and have kids with whoever I want and be in control of my body. There’s probably more but those have been on my mind today

Do you keep a journal? Yeah a few actually but I lose motivation after a little bit and it takes so much to start it over

Do you like your age? Yes and no. I’m an adult which is cool and all but like….most of my friends are old enough to drink and it really pisses me off that I’m 9 months short of legally doing that. I’m super responsible and mature for my age like what will 9 months do to change that? It’s just stupid that I can join the military and go thousands of dollars into debt but I can’t have a glass of wine with my mom at a block party. UGH. American laws S U C K

Do you like your own name? Yes, I love my name. When I was a kid I hated it, I didn’t get the sentiment of being named after someone. I finally got the sentiment around the time my grandma started getting sick. Now that she’s gone, I know just how blessed I am to carry on the legacy of my full name and try to make her proud.

Do you have any scars? Oh plenty, I’m really clumsy. My most notable is the one on my thumb from a freak childhood accident that nearly cut my entire thumb pad off. What a wild time

Do you have a strong accent? I’m from Michigan so apparently, I have a strong Midwestern accent but I don’t hear it. But anytime I’m on the phone/skyping with my friend from Missouri, she always points it out and laughs

Do you talk to yourself? Probably too much but also not in the way that I think is expected. I’m just constantly talking in my head like a constant tv interview about whatever the fuck I’m thinking about which 99% of the time is msr lol

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: All of the above

Beer or wine or neither: W I N E

When was your blog created: I knew this was the place to find the best gifs and fics and I wanted to be in the fandom more since I’m so new. Also, I wanted to try my hand at fic writing but I continue to lose the motivation or the courage to write/post

Last movie you’ve seen: Hotel Transylvania is pretty much on repeat in my house thanks to my little brother, so most likely it’s that

First job: My first job was customer service/field hand on a blueberry patch but my first legit legal job is/was at a daycare

Pet peeve: The first I can think of is slow walkers because I walk so fast because my legs are like a mile long

The color of your eyes: Green but they used to be giant sky-blue saucers

Night owl/day person: I don’t like getting up before 9 but past midnight I’m a grouch

Tattoos: None yet, but I have two planned, it’s just a matter of money and timing

Like to cook: Not really but I can cook enough to survive which is typical for college

Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 20 Give the last two lines: “Action: Today I will be kind to myself. Affirmation: This is who I am, and I feel glad to be me” - We

Last Person You Cried In Front Of? I cried while holding a baby at work because my shift is changing so things will be different and also my hormones are really out of whack right now

If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? Any shade of purple

Name One Movie That Made You Cry: Beaches is my go-to crying movie, same goes for Steel Magnolias (what a typical answer, I know)

If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be? Cher, Reba, DD, Bette Midler or Straight No Chaser. Reba especially though because she’s going to be near me soon but it's a 21+ event and I’m nine months short of that so I’m really pissed I can’t go

Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? Carve pumpkins but I do a damn good job wrapping too

Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? I loved it even though it made me sick. There’s a park down the street from my campus so if I’m really upset, I’ll go down there and blast my headphones and swing until I forget what’s happening. It’s really therapeutic

Name Something That Relaxes You: I have some relaxing instrumental playlists and I’ll put one of them on, turn on my lavender oil diffuser, and hop in a nice hot shower (and the hot water at college doesn’t run out so I can pretty much be in there for like ever really) or I’ll watch a fav movie that tends to soothe me

Scary movie or happy endings? Happy endings give me life. The fluffier the better

When was the last time you cried? I’m sure I’ve cried today and just don’t remember. There’s literally not a day that goes by that I don’t shed tears but I literally cry so easy (This video or this video will make me cry almost instantly)

Where would you like to visit? I’ve wanted to visit Barcelona and California since I was a kid but in the past 4 years I’ve really wanted to visit New York and Greece

Describe your favorite people in the whole world? I’ll just sum all five of them up with they literally make me feel so warm, happy, and validated. I love them so much I could cry just thinking about them. And don’t get me started with Gillian because I do often cry when I think about her I just really love her a lot ok

Who would be your ideal partner? Gillian Anderson, Dana Scully, or Fox Mulder of course. No, but I want someone who’s like me morals/humor wise

Most used phrase? Right now I’m really into saying “Yikes” but “god fucking dammit” leaves my mouth A LOT

Most used word? Probably “like” as much as I hate to admit it

Extrovert or Introvert? Introvert 100% except when I’m with My People of course because I feel comfortable with them

Who was your first real crush? I had plenty of crushes during early school years but I think my first real one was on a school employee. Wowza I was head over heels for her and the very obvious knew-it-was-coming heartbreak hurt a lot

How many piercings do you have? Just my first holes in my ears but I’ve been thinking about getting my Helix pierced (upper portion of the ear)

How do you deal with stress? Uhhhh I panic first lol. I tend to listen to music—very specific songs that I know will drown out the anxiety/stress, or sometimes I’ll write what I’m feeling, go for a walk, read an absolute favorite fic in my list, watch x files, or I’ll just scroll through my thousands of pictures of GA lol

How many pillows do you sleep with? Three, sometimes four and then I have four accent pillows when I make my bed. Too many, as I’ve been told by everyone

Have you ever been to the hospital? Been to? Yes, plenty of times. Been in/admitted? No, thankfully

Have you ever met any celebrities? In 2016 I went to a rally for Hillary that Cher was speaking at so like…I was in the same room as her. AND THEN my friend shoved me up to her path as she was leaving and she touched my hand and I literally nearly passed out

Have you ever been in a position of authority? I am always deemed the mom friend so I’ll let you figure out that answer...

Have you ever drank underage? Yeah but nothing crazy. I just really like my wine. The craziest I’ve ever gotten was after I turned in that case study, I chugged half a bottle of wine (on an empty stomach), got bad heartburn, and then went to bed for like 14 hours

Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? Depends on the person, but I’d have to say no unless it’s Gillian/Scully/Stella

Are You A Picky Eater? I say yes, but compared to my brother and my uncle, no

Are You A Heavy Sleeper? Usually yes

Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? Just my momma, but I do see my *gag* father around my hometown every now and again

Are you religious? Not really. I used to go to church a few years back, and then went to another church which ruined a lot of stuff for me and then I went through some tough stuff that made me question, idk

Are you a good liar? I like to think so (I say that as if lying is something I should be proud of), at least to everyone but my mom because I swear I can pull off the best lie ever and she always sees right through me

Are you a clean or messy person? My home life is messy. My room is trashed but the things that are put away are organized. But life at college is completely opposite, my dorm is very clean and organized and I clean it top to bottom every weekend

If you made it this far, thank you for putting up with my crazy long first post, and I’m sorry that I practically vomited my thoughts into a jumbled mess but I wanted to share myself with you!

#Get to know the blogger #personal #first post #entirely too detailed but oh well #come talk to me #get to know me #msr #GA

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kinetic-elaboration · 7 years ago

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March 2: (Not Quite) A Cleanse

So...I think I’m finally coming out of this bad mood that’s been trailing me for...a while. Maybe. It’s still tentative. But I’m feeling a little more ambitious and more capable of positive thinking.

I don’t want to get too much into self-analysis and planning because it’s boring, not as useful as it feels like it should be, and not really in the spirit of this project, either. I’m old enough and know myself well enough to understand the cycle of my moods by now and it’s not worth describing to myself how it goes.

But. One specific thing that’s been nagging me and that I would like to...tweak in my life. I’ve been thinking off and on for a while about the ways all of our brains have been fucked by the internet/smart phones/social media, and I read a fair number of articles and think pieces about it and blah blah blah. I know, I objectively know, that blue light distorts sleep and that social media is designed to make you constantly refresh and refresh, (apps too), and obsess over metrics, and that these habits are not only a time suck, they make us unhappier and, perhaps worst of all, turn us into pawns of social media developers who just want to exploit us for ad revenue--I KNOW all of this. Fuck, I remember a time when the internet had zero place in my life, and a time after that when it was basically finite: an hour or so and I got fucking bored.

And all of this bothers me. The thing is that I’m probably more reasonable in my internet and social media use than the average bear, and I am quite adamant on not backsliding from where I am, for sure. I don’t have a smart phone, I don’t have facebook or twitter accounts, I keep some parts of my day screen free...

But I’m not where I want to be at all. But I don’t know what to change. Utter purge as an experiment? More strict rules for myself? More ways to trick myself?

Two things have brought this to the fore of my mind recently. One is that, for whatever reason, during my bad mood, I did what I often do and started randomly obsessing about something as a distraction and in this case I picked AO3 kudos and my disdain for them. Which is probably a distraction from issues I have with writing--with, tbqh, balancing a second unpaid job on top of my actual job, which is, stress-wise, what it is sometimes. A second job I can’t quit because it’s like integral to my being. But I just felt myself going into this death spiral of annoyance, irrationality, and irritability over something dumb, something rather Beside the Point.

The second thing was this article about a tool to take the stats off of Twitter, and about what social media stats do to us more generally. I’m not on Twitter but it made me think I would love to take the stats off tumblr tbh. At least hide my follower count. I try not to look but, first, it’s right there, and second, there’s other info on the same drop down I do want: my queue, my likes. I know objectively that it doesn’t matter, first because it just doesn’t but second because the nature of my blog means I’ve probably reached my permanent high point of followers. I was gaining a bunch at the end of last year for some unknown reason but I think that’s done. I’m not strictly fandom, I’m not strictly a theme, I write but I’m not a Popular Writer... The number is meaningless but I’m just hardwired to Care about numbers and put value on them even though objectively I know I shouldn’t.

I want to...have a comfortable and healthy relationship with technology and the internet and tumblr/AO3. A part of me wants to Utterly Cleanse, like unplug for a week or something, but that’s short term and also probably not worth the trouble. So I’m trying to think of other, more realistic, stuff.

For a few weeks now, I’ve stopped looking at any screens before I get to work on weekdays, which was definitely a good decision. I’ve also blocked my fandom email on my laptop Monday-Thursday. I can still check it at work (and I do) and on the weekends.

This week, I’ve decided to block my fandom email from my laptop 24/7 and to try to check it at work less often (that’s hard because vague but I’m only human--but frankly my ability to refresh-refresh-refresh like a lab rat at work is limited what with actually having to work). I’ve also blocked my AO3 dashboard--which has my inbox on it--so I can’t look for comments there. And I’ve unsubscribed from getting kudos emails to teach myself to forget they exist. I’ve never thought of them as important or gotten any joy from receiving them so why do they clog up my inbox? That’s gone now.

As for tumblr...scrolling through my dash after work is how I unkink my mind and unwind, and since it’s hiatus and I don’t follow many blogs, it doesn’t even take that long. There’s also fairly little wank--again, hiatus, and I don’t follow blogs that become hubs of discourse. I don’t think there’s a time-suck issue here, or a too-much-rage-inducing-shit issue either. So I think there it’s just a question of keeping myself calm and detached and using this blog for the purpose it was always intended to have: to be a collection of stuff I like, and if other people want to see that, be my guest, but it doesn’t really matter.

And finally, I’m going to try to stress less about writing. I feel like it’s been rolling out of my hands recently in a way that’s hard to describe. Like I’m somehow subtly writing more for other people or caring more about what other people think or feeling this weird irrational obligation to other people. That needs to stop. I don’t know how, but I need to free myself from second guessing everything as I write and just enjoy putting the stories in my head down on paper. I can nitpick them later, as I edit. (This never used to be a problem for me but for the last several months I haven’t been able to shut the critical voice up, even when I’m in the zone.) (This are really two different problems: a macro and a micro problem. I don’t know if they’re related.)

So anyway it’s the weekend. There’s a lot I want to do... but it’s only two days. Right now I need to shower and then sleep soon. That will be a good start.

#the year 2018 #2018: rl #gosh this is long

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shamelessly4shameless-blog · 7 years ago

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Smokes on You. pt 2

Uhhh. So I got a little carried away here. I was trying to go for chilled out LOL vibes with Mickey and Yevgeny, but it’s late and I’m tired and I got all the feels and then this happened ... Thanks for reading :) xxx

Yev eyed his Pop over dinner. Unlike Dad, neither Pop or Yev were big on conversation when they were eating, preferring to keep their focus on the plates in front of them. Still there was a little chat about school, the neighbourhood, plans for the holidays.

It was easy to observe someone at dinnertime and Yev peered keenly at his father’s fingers, they weren’t yellow but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be soon!

“You want a photo or something?”

Yev startled as Mickey glanced up and after a second, winked at Yev to let him know he wasn’t really annoyed.

“How’d you know I was looking at you?”

Yevgeny was always impressed by just how much Pop noticed, it was as if he had eyes in the back, the top and the sides of his head too. Sometimes Yev tried to sneak things past him just for the fun of seeing how far he could get.

“I’m your Pop, it’s my job to know what you’re up to.”

Mickey grinned and nodded to Yev’s bowl.

“You don’t like your food?”

“Yeah but … um … can you taste yours? Cause smokin’ kills taste buds.”

“I can taste it just fine. Watch…”

Mickey fixed his son with a firm eye and then stuffed an entire meatball into his mouth in illustration.

“Mmmmm! Beefy”

Mickey chewed with exaggerated enjoyment and Yev giggled despite himself and speared his own huge meatball on his fork.

“Yev, don’t. You’ll choke.”

Ian reached across the table and put a gentle hand on the boys arm to stop him copying his father. Mickey covered his mouth with one hand and hunched down, trying to work through the whole thing without gagging. He managed to force the majority of it down his throat and thumped his chest, a little flushed in the face.

“Mother f..ow! Man, that was dumb!”

Mickey croaked. Ian gave him a look of complete agreement and turned to Yev

“Could you get Pop a glass of water please, Yev?”

Once Yev was out of earshot Ian grinned at his boyfriend

“You never choke like that on my balls.”

“Yours are smaller, fuckhead.”

Mickey laughed, grimacing at the ache in his throat

Yev came back into the room and Mickey took the drink he offered, gratefully clapping Yev on the shoulder, a small act which made the little boy beam with pride.

“Thank you, kiddo. Go ahead and finish your food.”

Instead of sitting back down, Yev loitered a minuet, leaning against his Pop with one small elbow propped on a broad shoulder shoulder.

“You know, smoking is bad for the throat too.”

“Nah. I haven’t choked on a cigarette since I was … eighteen and started smoking which was stupid of me.”

Mickey’s gaze flicked to Ian as he spoke. It had taken all of Ian’s persuasion and some very dexterous work with his fingers to get Mickey to agree to fib to Yevgeny about when and how he picked up some of his habits and to flat out not tell him about others.

“It’s okay to stop any time, Pop! Miss Tyler says it’s never too late!”

“Didn’t you learn anything else today? Why are you fussing about this?”

Mickey asked, half turning to glance at him, there was no heat to his words and Yev shrugged openly

“It’s important. Miss Tyler quit last year and she says she never felt better.”

“Yeah? Well Miss Tyler sounds like a know-it-all bit…”

“Bit of a bother.”

Ian interjected quickly. Mickey looked up at the ceiling with an expression that clearly said he also thought Ian was a ‘bit of a bother’. He did not believe in altering the way he spoke around Yevgeny and it irritated him that Ian acted as if the kid would crumble if he heard a bad word cause when Ian wasn’t there, Yevgeny heard plenty of bad words and was fine.

In Mickey’s opinion, the best thing about their little family was that they were all completely free to be themselves. Some of the stuff Yev did made no fuckin’ sense to Mickey at all, like the weird stamp collecting club at school or the obsession with dinosaurs but that was what Yev liked so it was fine. What Mickey liked was swearing, smoking and being with Ian. Yev knew they were gay and was fine with it, but apparently the other two things, things that Mickey had not struggled his most of his life to come to terms with, were now up for debate.

“I have a list …”

“I know you do and I’m sure it’s great, but you also got a half finished plate of food so sit down, eat up and we might talk about it later.”

“Promise?”

“I promise we might talk about it later.”

“Promise you’ll try quitting like Dad is?”

Mickey huffed an irritated breath through his nose and turned to look at his son properly

“I promised we might talk about it. That’s as good as you’re getting. Can you go and sit down already?”

Mickey spoke with finality that made most people think twice and patted the seat of Yev’s pants urging him toward his chair; but Yevgeny was clearly not remotely worried about either thing and stayed put.

“But Pop …”

Ian saw Mickey’s eyes widen, blinking slowly once, a sure sign of his patience truly slipping and intervened.

“Yev.”

Ian inclined his head toward the seat and Yev grudgingly sat himself down but both his fathers saw the way his tongue nudged defiantly at the corner of his mouth.

*He’s definitely your kid!*

*But he got that attitude from you, Freckles*

These thoughts were conveyed between them with a single look over the top of Yevgeny’s head in that peculiar manner that couples who have been deeply attuned to each other for a long while have and both men looked away smiling.

Mickey excused himself and stepped out onto the porch while Ian and Yev washed and dried the dishes. He cupped his hands around the lighter and sparked up contentedly.

He could hear Yevgeny’s happy chatter and for a moment he felt a little hurt as Yev tended to be a bit quieter around him. Ian said it was just that he was a quieter person and so Yevgeny responded in kind – that the kid was just parroting Mickey, trying to be more like him, but Mickey wasn’t so sure.

Ian just had such a natural way with him; he managed to make everything into a game or an adventure. Mickey didn’t have that kind of imagination really. When Yev was five and had an imaginary friend, Ian always remembered to put out an extra Eggo waffle and to make sure Yev was holding ‘Patrick’s hand when they crossed the street so he wouldn’t get left behind.

Mickey couldn’t get his head around it at all. He tried to play along but would forget which side Patrick was stood on and ‘step on him’ and even once joked with Yev that they’d left Patrick on the bus which caused a meltdown so extreme Mickey had fleetingly considered handing Yevgeny over to the nearest nice looking lady and just running away.

Now that Yev was a little older things had evened out a bit and Mickey found himself doing more and more of the actual stuff that parents were supposed to do and it was getting easier to join in with the things that interested him. Even the damn stamp collection, weird and pointless as it was, Mickey could help him search the yard sales and stick the findings in his book.

Of course the downside of that was that as the kid got bigger he also took an interest in more of the things that Mickey did – like smoking. Mickey looked down at the cigarette in his hand and sighed. He fuckin’ loved smoking. The first morning drag as he waited for coffee to brew … watching smoke curl out of Ian’s lip after a good fuck … the smell of tobacco on his clothes. Mickey loved all that stuff and he really didn’t want to have to give it up. If Ian hadn’t folded like a wet paper towel then Mickey could have stood firm and not felt like a dick but Yev had been so excited that he’d talked him round … Mickey took another long pull and closed his eyes in bliss.

He would never had dared to try and bitch Terry into quitting cigarettes as a kid or as an adult for that matter. The thought alone made Mickey grin with a grim suicidal humour.

On the other hand, Yevgeny was not afraid of him and that was something that Mickey was both surprised by and incredibly happy about.

Sometimes, like when Yev dug his heels in about stuff, Mickey thought the boy could probably do with being maybe a little less certain about his ability to hold his temper but even as the thought crossed his mind, Mickey knew he didn’t really mean it. He seldom yelled and he never hit him and that was something Mickey was actually pretty proud to be able to say.

When Yev was about six Mickey had seen Svet spank him for some shit … Mickey couldn’t remember what now. Mickey hadn’t massively minded, she was Yev’s Mom and she treated him far better than a lot of mother’s he had seen in South Side, so Mickey had simply stood back and let her handle the kid, but it wasn’t something Mickey had ever done, nor something he would ever do. Svet teased him that he was too soft but Mickey didn’t mind that. Better to be that way than like his own Dad.

Mickey couldn’t remember a time that he hadn’t been afraid of Terry. Even when Terry had taken his side over stuff, fights at school or run-ins with the law, Mickey had always been on edge, waiting for the mood to turn, waiting for a blow or a kick.

The front door creaked open and Ian leant against the doorframe, his body framed in soft yellow light from the house.

“You OK out here?”

“Yeah – didn’t want to light up in front of you.”

Mickey lifted the cigarette in illustration and Ian’s smile widened.

“Thank you but can I get a taste?”

“Seriously? Even I could manage two fuckin’ hours, Ian.”

“I said a taste, not a drag.”

Ian smirked and stepped outside letting the door close softly behind him.

“You should get a jacket.”

Mickey murmured, grinding the butt of the smoke under his boot heel. The embers hissed in the snow for a second and then fell silent.

“Why? I got you.”

Ian’s arms were prickled with goosebumps as they wrapped around Mickey but his lips were warm and he tasted of vanilla cream and cinnamon.

Mickey uncurled his scarf from around his neck and draped it over Ian’s shoulders, licking the taste of vanilla from his lower lip.

“How was that?”

“I didn’t quite catch it, can I try again?”

“Yeah you can try again.”

Mickey smiled, cupping the back of Ian’s head in his palm and trailing his fingers through his hair.

“Mmmm. Damn, Gallagher.”

Ian grinned and ran his thumb over Mickey’s cheek bone.

“You taste fucking amazing.”

“You want one? I won’t snitch.”

“Nah. I said I’d try and I will.”

“You gotta learn to say no to him occasionally.”

Mickey cocked his eyebrow and gently stroked the downy hairs at the nape of Ian’s neck, not ready to let go of him just yet.

“It’s those big blue eyes! He looks at me and I can’t fuckin’ help it.”

“He’s got the same fuckin’ eyes as me, man, and you say no to me all the time.”

“Yeah but he’s not a shit-talkin’ badass like you.”

Mickey grinned and nudged his nose against Ian’s

“You finally admit I’m a badass, huh?”

“When you’re not being a total pussy, yeah.”

Ian murmured, catching Mickey’s earlobe gently between his teeth and biting down softly

“You trying to get me riled up, Gallagher. Push my buttons a little? Get me a little rough with you?”

“Well Svetlana is picking Yev up in an hour and then we have the whole night…”

Ian dropped his left hand to the bulge in Mickey’s pants and squeezed gently, then a little harder.

“Ah fuck!”

Mickey pulled away from Ian’s hand and took a heavy breath

“I forgot Svet had him tonight, I better go look at his fuckin’ list.”

“Might want to give yourself a minute.”

Ian laughed and Mickey snorted

“Yeah. You best go back inside. Tell him I’ll be in in a sec.”

Mickey lit another cigarette and bowed his head and Ian returned his scarf, pausing to kiss him again.

“Later though?”

“Try and fuckin’ stop me, Firecrotch.”

Yev gave his Pop the same talk as he gave Dad. He used the list and the laser pointer and showed him the coloured in grave. He’d added some grass and a flower since dinner just to spice it up a bit and Pop nodded along as he spoke. They were sat on Yev’s bed, not all professional like Dad but with their backs against the big T-rex poster and their legs sticking straight out in front, Pops boots hanging over the edge of the little bed so the quilt didn’t get dirty.

“Girls will like you better if you don’t smell all smokey.”

“Why the Hell would I want girls to like me better?”

“Boys then!”

Yev waved his hand impatiently

“I’ve got your Dad, I don’t need anyone else to like how I smell.”

Yev pressed his lips together thinking and then shrugged

“I guess that’s fine. I just don’t want you to get sick.”

“You know old Mrs Henderson, three blocks over? Shitty toffee apples at Halloween?”

“Yeah!”

Yev scrunched his nose remembering and Mickey rolled his head against the wall until he was looking down at him properly.

“She’s ninety-four, smoked every day since she was like, four years old. Never got sick.”

“But you might and then who’s going to make me French toast? Mom’s sucks.”

“Dad would make your toast, listen, you got to remember, most kids around here – they don’t even have one Dad or Pop. You got two! Anything happens to me, you still got your Dad.”

Mickey meant it encouragingly but Yev’s face fell and his little chin started wobbling.

“Hey! Woah!”

Mickey gathered Yev onto his lap and wrapped his arms tightly around him. Yev pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and wiped his nose hastily on the back of his hand, sniffing heavily

“Sorry Pop.”

Mickey frowned and gently took Yev’s snotty hand in his, cleaning it off on his own sleeve.

“You don’t have to be sorry. You wanna cry, you go ahead and cry. That ain’t anything to be ashamed of, Yev.”

“Mama says we have to be stronger than tears.”

Yev sniffed again and Mickey smiled to himself

“I can imagine her saying some weird shit like that. Did she say it in Russian?”

“Yeah.”

Yev gave him a wobbly half-smile and Mickey kissed his forehead lightly

“You know the stuff she says in Russian is mostly old lady voodoo crap, right?”

“Mama says I have to flip you off if you say that anymore.”

“Do it and I’ll bite your finger off.”

Mickey grinned and pretended to tug Yev’s finger toward his mouth finally making the kid laugh.

“That’s better. Now what were the waterworks about, huh?”

Yev shrugged and tucked his head back under Mickey’s chin.

“I don’t want you to die.”

Mickey snorted and sat his son up looking him in the eye

“I ain’t gonna die. In fifty years I’m gonna be some old fart, shufflin’ around in his slippers makin’ you get me French toast for a change.”

“But how do you…”

“You just gotta trust me, Yev.”

Mickey interrupted and that was that.

He picked up Yev’s list and brought it back in front of them.

“One thing though, kid. You have really good writing.”

Yev blushed bashfully and looked up at his father, disappointment already fading

“You really think so?”

“Absolutely. Good spelling too. Though I think ‘cancer’ has two c’s. No s’s. But fuck it, you shouldn’t be writing that word at your age anyway.”

Mickey carefully set the list back on Yev’s desk and scratched the back of his neck, considering for a moment. He knew Yev was a sensitive kid but if all this stuff was making him cry … well Mickey didn’t really give a fuck about Miss Tyler’s crusade.

“You know, maybe I’ll think on the smoking thing a little more. You mind if I keep the list to remind me? I could tape it up in my locker at work, show some of the other guys who smoke maybe? Besides, you don’t wanna be worrying about all this shit.”

Yev considered this for a moment and then nodded.

“I can tell Miss Tyler that Dad is going to try. Do you think that will be OK?”

“I think that’s more than OK, Yev. You did great.”

Mickey smiled and carefully folded the little square of paper, tucking it into his jeans pocket.

“I … uh … I love you, Yevgeny. Proud of you too, you know that right?”

The words came out a little husky, Mickey wasn’t used to saying them when the kid wasn’t on the brink of sleep, tucked up in bed with the darkness of the room letting such sentiments be given freely.

“Yes Pop. Love you too.”

Yev squeezed his arms around Mickey’s chest tightly. Mickey felt the back of his throat begin to sting a little and swallowed, twitching his nose and blinking quickly a few times.

A movement caught his eye and he glanced up to find Ian stood in the doorway watching them with an expression on his face that was so tender Mickey almost couldn’t believe it was aimed toward him, that someone who was capable of looking like that might choose to look at him that way.

“Right! C’mon little man. We need to get you packed for your Mom’s place.”

Mickey said brightly and lifted Yev off of his lap, boosting him into the air and catching him deftly under the armpits and putting him on his feet.

“OK Pop.”

Yev went straight to his toy box and started the painstaking process of selecting his plastic dinosaurs the list already pushed to the back of his mind.

The waved Yevgeny off, snow drifting down in lazy gusts around them, until Svetlana’s car rounded the corner and then Ian seized Mickey and kissed him deeply, as though he hadn’t seen him for years and he afraid that he would disappear into thin air unless physically held.

“I love you, Mickey. I love you so fucking much.”

Ian gasped the words against Mickey’s mouth and cupped his face reverently between his hands gazing at him with an almost fierce intensity.

“I love you too. You OK?”

“You are an amazing father. I just want you to know that, OK? You are so much better than you think you are and we are really fucking lucky to have you.”

Mickey snorted a little embarrassed but held Ian’s stare and smiled reaching up to dust a little of the snow from Ian’s fiery mop of hair.

“Thank you. You are too. I’m glad he has you. I … I’m glad I have you.”

Mickey looked around, as if suddenly aware that they were stood on the sidewalk in the middle of a gathering blizzard. Ian shook his head as if finally understanding a puzzle where the answer had been in front of him all along and tipped his head back grinning up at the night sky.

“What?”

“Mickey … Mickey, will you marry me?”

“Huh?”

Ian ran his forefinger across the contracted sweep of Mickey’s eyebrows as they arched sharply upward, lifting sever snowflakes with them.

“Marry me, Mick. I want to be shuffling around with you while Yevgeny makes us French Toast when we’re old and you’re still puffin’ through three Lucky Strike packs a day!”

“Are you serious.?”

Mickey licked his lip and gripped the lapels of Ian’s coat, searching his face for something, his eyes darting back and forth before settling on Ian’s mouth and slowly, carefully trailing up to his eyes.

“I am.”

Ian said simply.

Mickey made a strangled sound at the back of his throat and then he was kissing him just as fiercely as Ian had before, hard enough to leave them both breathless and the faint tang of iron between them.

“Yes, I’ll fuckin’ marry you, Gallagher.”

Ian gripped Mickey’s right hand in his own, the other gripping the back of Mickey’s head as the snow swirled around them, neither of them giving a damn about the cold or the darkness, sheltered as they were in each other and in the love that bound them both together so rightly.

#shameless #shameless us #shameless fanfiction #shameless imagine #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #Milkovich #Gallagher #Gallavich #Gallavich Love #yevgeny milkovich #fan fiction #fanfic

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sacred-arrow · 7 years ago

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If It Were Me Chapter 3: Towards the Western Land

Y'all. This is purely shit. Like a pink troll just came up to you, bent over and shit glitter EVERYWHERE. Yeah. That's what happened to this chapter. Tagging my girls because they are my rocks and my muses. @inunanna @lacyjaybird @keichanz @adorableears7 @kags09 @inukag-4ever Also, @gypsin @shardetector @grapefruitwannabe @artistefish @mmhinman @mustardyellowsunshine @kagomeforever and all the others that showed any interest in this syory. I hope y'all enjoy. My cell does not allow italics or bolding on this one. 😡 so it may be slightly confusing. I'm posting this via my cell, while I wait on help to arrive and jump start my car.... 😂 I'm a moron most days. Anyway, on with the chapter. ---IIWM--- Previously on If It Were Me: Kagome shook her head. “I know a mountain that holds the castle of the Lord Inu no Tashio. The people of the castle concealed it after his death, and rumor has it, it’s now abandoned.” Inuyasha’s ears perked up as he stood. “Take me to it.” She shook her head. “It’s too dangerous.” “So. I have some weird blood flinging power and you have your sacred arrows. We’ll be fine.” Kagome sighed. “Do you really think this is wise?” “I’m the son of the Lord of the West. You’re the Guardian of the Sacred Jewel. I think we got this.” He extended a clawed hand to her and she gratefully took it. “Fine. Let’s go. It’s a three day travel. I warn you, the terrain is tough for someone who is not used to this climate.” She stepped towards the West, Inuyasha following close behind her, hands shoved in his pockets. “Will you be okay, yer shoulder and all?” Kagome cocked her head to the side and smiled with a nod. “It keeps getting better each moment. Crazy how fast that medicine is working.” “Good. Then let’s do this.” He wanted to see the castle his father inhabited, and maybe learn a few things about his family and his demonic side that his father never told him. Plus, a few more days with Kagome wouldn’t be so bad, though hell would have to freeze over before he would admit to such a thing. The priestess in mind kept a steady pace ahead of him with a smile on her face. Kagome was happy he was staying a bit longer too, but he didn’t need to know that either, thus his ego would get to big. Giggling, she peered over her shoulder to see him looking at her. When their gazes locked, they both blushed and averted their eyes. It was going to be an interesting few days. Thus, their journey has just begun. ---IIWM--- Towards the Western Lands Two days on the road with Kagome were a little more difficult than Inuyasha had imagined. Being a male, and only having an older brother, he had forgotten that women had very specific needs. Even though his mother was very much a woman, he didn't exactly take notice of her feminine hygiene. The duo had camped out near hot springs both of the previous days because Kagome was determined to smell her best while in the company of a man. Kagome had pinched his right, upper arm flab- or Bingo Wings, as some people liked to call it- when he huffed for the fourth time that morning. His arm still hurt so Inuyasha decided it was best not to argue with her. The half-demon honestly had no idea why she was so worried. He actually thought the pure priestess smelled great, like the forest and sunshine. How does sunshine have a smell, idiot? Inuyasha shook his head. If he had said that aloud, Kagome would either have accused him of being mental or a pervert. Clearing his throat with a cough into a closed fist, he settled on not saying a word as Kagome scouted for the perfect campsite. Kagome stopped mid-stride and pointed to a large tree off to the far side of the dirt road. “That looks like a nice spot, what do you think Inuyasha?” Sighing, the half-demon stretched his arms and laced his fingers behind his head. “We’re stopping again, wench?” Kagome shot him a glare over her shoulder causing him to shrink back slightly -a habit he developed dealing with his mother’s temper- and throw his hands up in mock defense as he nodded. “Fine. It's fine.” Inuyasha had learned that Kagome had a temper that rivaled with his mother's. He walked to a nearby tree and sat down cross legged. Inuyasha noticed his uniform was beyond dirty and his hair had collect enough twigs and leaves to construct a fire pit. Kagome made her way towards him and set down her bow and quiver. Settling beside Inuyasha, she reached out and undid his hair tie. As a reflex, Inuyasha jumped away from her. “Oi, what are you doing?” “I am removing the various items that have collected in your hair for the past two days. The sun will be setting in about an hour. So you can go wash up first and I will clean your clothes. Maybe your father’s castle will have something for you to wear.” Giving her a look that screamed, should I trust you, Inuyasha saw her blue eyes light up as she smiled which caused his accusations to dissipate. Leaning back into her touch, he cast a golden glance over his shoulder.“Hey, are ya feeling any better?” Kagome’s smile widened. “I am.” Inuyasha arched a brow over the same narrowed eye he was assessing her with. Kagome sighed. “It’s sore, but there is no pain. The herbs are working wonders and it’s healing just fine. Now, just relax.” Still uncertain, he stared at her for a moment, before he shrugged and turned back to face the west. Kagome concentrated her power to see past his glamour where the target of her desire hid from normal human eyes. The miko was so careful with his ears and it amazed Inuyasha at her tenderness. He only had to growl once when she accidently ran her fingers over the soft fur. Giggling like a school-girl, Kagome regained her posture and continued removing the debris. She took the time to take in Inuyasha’s form. He had to be the most handsome man she’d ever met and since she spent fifty of her supposedly sixty-eight years of life pinned to a tree, that was the best she could ask for. At the moment the half demon was laid back and calm, however she knew that wasn’t exactly his personality. He had a foul mouth ninety percent of the time and honestly he had no idea how to talk to women, but he sure knew how to treat one. His mother must be an angel. Her thoughts cut short when Inuyasha leaned his head back to look at her. The glamour flickered, but when it was clear again, Kagome sighed. Those golden eyes. “Done wench? The bath sounded like an okay idea.” He muttered. “Oh!” Shaking off the mesmerizing trance his eyes put her in, Kagome pointed right. “Of course. Just go to the hot spring down the hill, and I will take your clothes to the river on our left.” “You want me to get naked and walk to the hot spring from here?” Kagome laughed. “Yes, or would you rather me walk with you, watch you strip, and then take your clothes?” Inuyasha grinned. “If ya wanted to see me naked, all ya had to do was ask.” Once his brain registered the words he had spoken, he immediately regretted them. Scare her off why don’t cha? Spending way too much damn time with Ryou. She didn’t know her face could get so hot. “I—well you see—wait—what?” Trying to play cool and save face, Inuyasha laughed, “I was kidding.” He stood and walked behind the tree. Quickly stripping, he wondered if he should give up his underwear. It dawned on Inuyasha that he probably should incase there wasn’t anything else at the castle. Did men even wear underwear in this era? “Here.” He flung the clothes around the tree. Before she could utter a single word, Inuyasha was already halfway to the hot spring. Laughing, Kagome gathered his clothes and headed to the river. Once she got there, she started separating his clothes out of the bundled up wad Inuyasha had rolled them in. A small thud sounded against the rocky shore and she spotted Inuyasha’s rosary. He had been wearing it from the time they left the village, since he wasn’t one hundred percent sure about his surroundings in her era, but he had just taken it off for whatever reason, and for that she was more than grateful. He was beautiful in any form, but who could pass up on those ears and molten orbs? Not sure what to do with the rosary, Kagome simply placed it around her slender neck. The cool beads felt nice against her skin. “Dog-boy sure has nice taste.” Kagome giggled when she recalled the moment she had demanded he sit next to her by the well. The look that crossed his face was priceless, no doubt he thought she was using the term because he was in fact half dog-demon. “Sit . I can’t believe how cliché that is.” Releasing the fang she was holding, Kagome began to wash his clothes, unaware of the red tint the rosary was suddenly surrounded in. ---IK--- The water was fucking hot. Inuyasha stood there for a moment; the temperature of the isolated spring even moreso hotter than that of a hot tub. He slowly waded in, letting his balls get acquainted with the temperature, before settling down. Finally all the aching muscles in his legs and feet gave into the relaxation and he sighed. “Oh yeah.” He dunked his head back and ran his fingers through his hair. Standing, he shook his head like a mad dog before tying it back so he could rest comfortably against a rock. Inuyasha figured Kagome would come for him before too long so he leaned against the boulder and let the calming steam surround him. It wasn’t so bad until thoughts of a certain raven haired beauty came to his vision in nothing but her birthday suit. His eyes snapped opened before he shook his head. “Oh no, not her.” He grumbled. He couldn’t be attracted to her. He would be gone in a few days, hopefully, so he could not, should not, would not get attached to her. Stop picturing her naked. “Inuyasha. I have your clothes laying out to dry.” Kagome’s voice drifted out from behind a tree and he could see her hand waving to him. “Uh, thanks. Can you throw me my underwear?” “Um, but you don’t have a fundoshi.” Inuyasha ran his palm down his face. “No, but I have underwear. The blue briefs are what my era calls a fundoshi.” How could I forget about fucking fundoshi? Kagome laughed. “Oh. These? Incoming!” The boxers made a flop on the rocks beside the hot spring. “I’ll be at the camp site. I took the liberty of gathering wood for a fire.” Before he could answer she shouted out. “And hurry up. It’s my turn.” He grinned. In a teasing voice he shouted back. “You could just join me.” Kagome was silent for a moment, but soon she appeared from behind the tree. “You don’t mind?” He gaped at her before burying himself deeper into the water. Hold up. I was only kidding. He thought, only no words would come out of his mouth. Moving closer, she motioned towards his briefs. “I’ll leave mine on too. The bandages are not in the way of my cleansing.” Inuyasha gulped, but nodded anyway and slipped on his briefs as she turned away to strip behind a rock. Kagome returned wearing the bandages that tightly supported her breasts and a koshimaki that she lifted and tied between her thighs. Inuyasha thought the thin material looked like a diaper the way she had wrapped herself up, but it was a little hard not to notice how the thin white material became see through once she waded into the water across from him. She sat down and gently began washing. Not once making eye contact with the handsome half-demon in front of her. Inuyasha had to tear his gaze away- it was like ripping a bandaid off of a hairy arm-, but once she began to clean her face and neck, he noticed his rosary against her porcelain skin. “Kagome, is that my charm?” Delicate hands stopped mid rinse as her eyes snapped open and she gasped. “Oh! I’m sorry! I forgot about it. I was- um washing your clothes and it had fallen out. I didn’t have anywhere to put it so I put it on so I wouldn’t lose it. I know how important it is to you.” She hastily shot out her excuse as she reached to take it off. Inuyasha was baffled for a moment before he let out a laugh. “Calm down. I was only curious. You can wear it. It's not like I have to have it right now. I’ll let ya know when I need it.” He didn’t know what possessed him to let her keep it on for the time being, but the words flew out of his mouth as if he was destined to say them. Kagome nodded and continued cleaning herself. A blush appeared on her cheeks and she kept her eyes cast downward. She was tempting, even for his age he knew how bad he had it for the beautiful woman. Maybe it was just lust, he was just lusting after her body. She was fit with her tight belly, decent size breasts, full hips and a round butt to top it off. Now that she was wearing something that was his, something very important to him- well, it didn’t help his case of blue balls. Lust. That was it. He was a man after all, but that didn’t stop the thoughts running through his head. Think of Sesshomaru naked. That worked, yeah- he was good. Kagome smiled. “Inuyasha?” He snapped his attention back to her. “Yeah?” She was making her way over to him and his breathing hitched. “Would you mind washing my back? I know we changed the dressing this morning, but I can still feel the hardened paste from the herbs Kaede sent with us.” He nodded and wet his hands. Careful of his claws, he slowly massaged the green paste from below the bandages on her arm and back. It was a little hard to get off, but he finally chipped the last of it away. She sunk below the surface as he moved his hands tenderly across her back. Kagome wasn’t sure how relationships acted in his time, but she thought he must be with someone at his age. “Are you married, Inuyasha?” That question stumped him and he retracted his hands quickly. “Say what now?” She turned to see a very confused look on his face. “Married. Do the wedding customs differ in your time? Many of the young adult villagers are married. Eighteen is considered an adult. We have villagers as young as eleven marry.” Inuyasha laughed. “No. They are very different. In my time, many people are still not married and some are a lot older than eighteen.” Her face twisted. “Seriously?” He nodded. “So you are not?” “No and I am not seeing anyone either.” That was a lie. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to say that. He had been seeing Haruka on and off for the past six months, but he honestly didn't consider it a steady relationship. “Oh.” Was all she seemed to have left to say. “Demons don’t marry in the way humans do. Half demons don’t either. Demons mate for life. My father mated my human mother and in doing so he was able to share his life span with her. Demons can live for centuries so now she can live as long as my father does. I’m half-demon so if I were to marry a human, I would share my life span with her, except we wouldn’t live as long as full blooded demons do. When two full blooded demons mate, nothing changes except their bond. Neither would have to share their life span to keep their mate alive. My half-brother mated a full blooded, wind demon-” “Brother?” “Sesshomaru-” “Sesshomaru is your brother?” Kagome seemed almost appauld. “Half-brother and I forgot he lived this era too. Have you ever met him?” “Only once, cold hearted bastard.” Kagome crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. “He killed without mercy and left with no remorse.” Inuyasha halted all movement. “I didn’t do anything so put those veins back in yo7r forehead.” When she presented him with a small smile, he reached over to poke her in the cheek. “You can do better than that. Come on.” Kagome giggled and Inuyasha grinned as he continued to remove the remaining dried paste. “He ain't that way anymore. I mean he’s still a bastard, but he doesn’t kill now. Like I mentioned before he’s mated to a wind demoness named Kagura.” “That’s someone I’ve never met.” She placed her finger to her chin, as she thought to recall the name. “Nope, no wind demoness’ in my lifetime, but I have been passed out for fifty years.” Kagome laughed at her own joke. Inuyasha rolled his eyes with a snort as he rinsed off her back. “Done.” Kagome turned to him and smiled. “Thank you.” The half demon locked eyes with the priestess. She was missing fifty years of her life, but in his eyes it was like a blessing. He was glad he was able to meet her now and while she was still young. Does that make me a bad person for being happy she was pinned to the tree for fifty years so I could meet her by chance? Inuyasha shook his head when her voice interrupted his thoughts. “Let’s get back to camp. I am starving.” Nodding, they stood and walked back to camp after they gathered their clothes. Once they got settled around the fire, he noticed a dead rabbit lying by the rigged skewers she had set up next to the fire. “You killed it?” Kagome nodded once as she smiled wide. She looked so proud of herself. He watched her walk over to the fallen animal and pick it up. Pulling a knife from her quiver, she looked at him and crouched down before turning her back. “Oi, woman, what cha doin’?” Kagome glanced over her shoulder. “I have to skin it and gut it so I can cook it.” He walked over to her and looked at the animal. The priestess brought the knife down to skin it. “How do you cook food in your time?” “A stove mostly.” Her confused expression caused him to elaborate. “It’s a device used for cooking. You can cook on the top of it or inside of it. Really, it’s not as complicated as I make it sound.” Either she didn’t care, or she was too confused to care, and she turned away and finished her task. Soon she had the rabbit skewed and roasting over the heat of the fire. “Damn. It actually smells good I don't think I’ve ever had rabbit like this before.” “I'm glad you approve so far. Wait until you taste it. I use to cook quite often. Rabbit stew was my specialty. However, I had the tendency to cook enough for the whole village.” She rotated the rabbit. “I’m not used to cooking small proportions. So the village started to contribute once a week for me to cook the stew. Other nights we would eat rice balls and fish.” “That river that runs in front of the village must be a nice accommodation for you.” He tried to continue the small talk. “It is.” She pulled the rabbit up and took a small taste. “Perfect. Here taste.” Kagome pulled a small piece off the side and extended the offer to him. Inuyasha didn't move at first, but then Kagome huffed and moved closer until she was directly beside him. A faint blush crossed their features as she offered him the bite once more, this time he accepted it as he opened wide. Kagome placed the piece in his mouth. When his tongue accidentally touched her thumb and pointer finger, Kagome jumped at the sensation. Inuyasha tried not to let her see him grin. The two ate in utter silence. So much for the small talk. Inuyasha thought. He finished his portion of the meal and stood to grab his clothes hanging from a nearby branch. The damp underwear was a little uncomfortable in his uniform, but he would have to make do. He did not want to know what a fundoshi was that men wore in this time. Soon, Kagome yawned and settled back against the trunk of a large tree. Inuyasha had decided in order to watch over the miko better, he would perch himself in the same tree so he could see farther distances and hear better from each direction. Kagome set her weapons in her lap and wrapped her arms around them loosely. “Goodnight, Inuyasha.” The half-demon grunted in response. Sleep was looming over him and he gave in to the temptations before he even realized Kagome had fallen asleep minutes before. His last thoughts were what a catch the pure priestess actually was. ---IK--- Kikyou was dreading looking for Kagome. She honestly did not want to kill her cousin, but now that she was awake, Naraku would do anything to get rid of her and whatever demon had come to grab her attention. She wasn’t even sure if Kagome was still alive, if the aura of the demon she had sensed was actually as powerful as she thought. In all honesty, Kagome could be dead already. Which would save me the trouble. Kikyou wasn’t sure what possessed her to hate her cousin so much. The pure priestess was a gentle soul, so full of life and love. Maybe Kikyou was jealous, as Kaede had always put it. “Ye really crossed the line Kikyou. Going after Onigumo the way you did.” The young girl had told her sister after Kagome had caught them kissing one afternoon. Of course Onigumo had denied the act, but he knew Kagome was no fool. “Ye are just jealous that Kagome finally found love and it had nothing to do with the sacred jewel.” Oh but it did, dear sister. The jewel was Onigumo’s target all along. When Kagome had found him that fateful day, he had no idea who she actually was, but after a few weeks with her, realization struck him. Kagome was the guardian of the Shikon no Tama and he wanted it, no he desired it. The whole falling in love and spending the rest of his life with Kagome was a lie. He never wanted the guardian, never wanted a life with her, he only wanted the jewel she protected. Or so he had told Kikyou. When Onigumo and Kikyou met, all he could do was fawn over her. Onigumo used Kagome, used her for his own selfish reasons and love had nothing to do with it. He had promised Kagome that he would love her forever, but only when she became a free woman. However, he swore to Kikyou that each day he was with her he loved her more than he could express. She believed him and that was her downfall. They advised a plan to get rid of Kagome so Kikyou could have everything she wanted; Onigumo, and the true love of a man. She didn’t need to possess the jewel anymore, but he did. Onigumo wanted to possess the power it held so he could reign supreme in all the lands. The only thing in their way was Kagome. He told Kikyou to kill her, to get the pink marble and they could finally be free and live together like man and wife. The older priestess had agreed to the whole thing and went to her cousin begging for forgiveness for the actions she had displayed with Onigumo. Kikyou’s apology was nothing but a ploy to get close to Kagome, but being the woman Kagome was, her heart far bigger than most, she forgave the older priestess. Kikyou took her chance to take the sacred pearl, but failed in the end. When Kikyou escaped empty handed, a thought struck her like a lightning bolt; she could give Onigumo the powers he wanted without the jewel. The priestess dabbled in black magic, mixing herbs and other various items until a large cloud of purple smoke rose from her mixing bowl. Kikyou poured the contents into a small tin, and went off to find Onigumo. He was resting under a tree when she approached him. Standing he reached a hand out to her. “Where is the jewel?” “I was unable to get it.” He had a scowl on his face. “You told me you would get the jewel, Kikyou. Do you not love me? Am I not worth this small task?” She nodded eagerly. “Of course, which is why I brought this.” She shifted her haori and brought forth the covered tin. “Drink this and I can give you the power of 1000 demons.” Onigumo snatched the silver tin up and downed the contents. Kikyou pulled a small blade from her haori and swiftly plunged it deep into his chest, directly into his heart. He let out a vigorous scream as she had begun to chant, a white ring surrounded them. Onigumo was on his knees, the deep, red blood dripping from his wound and her hands. The light disappeared and a swarm of demons came rushing forth from the sky. Kikyou fell back out of the way as Onigumo absorbed them into his body. “Onigumo, your body is restored.” Kikyou announced. She stood and walked to him. Placing her hand in the center of his back, she ran her fingers over a large spider-shaped scar. He stood there, adjusting to his new flesh. His eyes blood red, his hair grew far too long and the color of midnight, and his voice became ever so empty. “You know what I need?” The voice was deeper, colder, evil. "Yes, Onigumo.” “Call me Naraku.” He laughed and pulled her to him. Quickly she fell into his arms as he kissed her passionately. Naraku had pulled her to him, turning to press her against the tree. He gently pulled her hakamas down running his hands up her now bare thighs. Bracing Kikyou against the tree trunk, he brought her leg up to wrap around his narrowed waist. Once situated, he entered her, quickly thrusting into Kikyou’s warm body as she used his shoulders to steady her balance. Soon he had both her legs around him, pounding vigorously inside of her lithe body. Both gave a cry of pleasure as Naraku dropped her slowly to her feet and pulled free. It ended as quickly as it happened. That was also the night he had taken Kaede’s eye. The once young child had tried to protect Kagome from Naraku who had shaped himself into Kikyou’s form. Kaede knew something was wrong with the person before them and she attempted to shoot an arrow towards him. Naraku laughed at her attempt and shot forth a cluster of tentacles from his arm which Kaede desperately tried to dodge. Kaede cried out as they impaled her, tearing a gash into her shoulder and eye. Kikyou had been oblivious to his plan and her young sister had paid the price. “And all of it was for the stupid Shikon no Tama.” She muttered. Shaking her head the dead priestess kept walking to Kaede’s village. Kikyou needed to pay her sister a visit, and if Kagome was there, so be it. ---IK--- “Inuyasha? You awake?” Kagome’s voice came out a little louder than she meant for it to. Inuyasha woke with a start, falling from the tree branch he was resting on. “What the hell, wench?!” Kagome suppressed a laugh as he stood rubbing his sore backside. “It’s time to get going.” She nodded towards the mountains in the distance. “We should be there before dark.” Inuyasha grinned. “We can get there faster if you climb on.” He knelt down and waited for her to move. “Are you sure?” She cocked her head and placed her bow and quiver on her back. “Yes, now get on, we ain’t got all day.” She could tell he was getting a bit irritated, so she climbed on, minding his long hair and held on tight. “Alright. Hold on!” With that, he pushed off the ground with a powerful thrust causing the beautiful woman on his back to gasp. Oh I’m going to enjoy this. He gripped her thighs firmer as she held on to his shoulders a little tighter. Kagome squealed with delight as Inuyasha bounced off towards the West. She opened her cerulean blue eyes only to narrow them as the wind whipped her in the face. However, she was still able to experience the beauty around her. It was sight Kagome had never seen. From the height in which he was jumping to, the miko was able to get a whole new outlook on her homeland. The leaves were multiple shades of green and moved fluently with the gentle wind. The sunlight ricocheted off the water producing a sparkling diamond like effect. She was in awe. Kagome's left hand tightened on his left shoulder as her right arm extended up in the air as if giving the sky a high five. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, Kagome gave off an excited whoo-hoo as she threw her head back. Inuyasha almost missed his next landing, but as he glanced over his shoulder and witnessed the pure joy etched across her face, he smiled. The sun was hitting her just right, making her glow like one of her sacred arrows. When Kagome finally opened her eyes to look directly into his golden orbs- a mega-watt smile plastered across her face- he couldn't help think--- Kagome was the greatest, fucking woman he had ever met. He just wasn't sure what exactly how he was supposed to assess the feeling he was starting to get the past few days. A matching blush spread over the bridge of their noses and they both turned away. However, neither one released the grip they had beneath their fingers as if they truly didn't want to. The spark that had ignited between them was starting to grow and no one would be able to extinguish it. Ever. ---TBC---

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colleydogstar · 8 years ago

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ADHD and Mental Health Stuff

The fun part about being ADHD is that when you try to sit down and write about being ADHD and mental health stuff, you get distracted and keep putting it off. Regardless, I've wanted to talk about mental health issues and ADHD for a while, so HERE'S A NICE RAMBLY, PROBABLY INCOHERENTLY ORGANIZED, AND LONG WORDED PIECE FOR YA TO READ NOW.

(Tagging @neurodiversitysci cause that site is a damn good read for folks like us)

The human brain is weird, and often our own worst enemy. Mood swings, crashes, it hits us all differently. Not always a whole lot one can do when the world and emotions decide to plant themselves right on your head. That fun part of the human brain that doesn't let us handle things the way we wish we could deal. Still, in the end, Brave heart. If you can find the strength to get through this life in something, grab it and don't let go.

Some of us choose to express our issues more openly, others may internalize. Sometimes internalizing isn't always the worst idea, but you got to be really careful when doing it. Know the limits of what your body and morale can take from it. it can turn self-damaging real easily, and that won't do you any good. One thing to remember, we're all insane. Gotta be to get through this shit. We CAN'T be sane. Have you seen all the stuff we gotta go through? It only makes sense we're gonna break and lose it at times. The trick is finding what part of insanity works in our favor.

Me? I retreat to fantasies in my head a lot, and I know that can't be entirely healthy. One of the reasons I latch onto cartoons, fantasy, and heroes so easily is the escape. For however long it's running I don't gotta deal with the problem. Doesn't help solve it, but will give a bit of buffer time to maybe try and figure out a new approach, steady the nerves.

"Trey, why the hell do you have Paw Patrol figures on your shelf, that show is for little kids?" Because the biggest concern in that show is 'Will Mayor Humdinger steal all the prizes from the carnival?!' and after dealing with people who think the world is ending if their door has the tiniest, easily repairable scratch on it, you NEED simplicity. You need to be able to give your brain something it can decompress on. Cartoons work for me. Hell that Mr. Rogers Marathon last month was Relax-o-Vision for me. Your mileage will vary.

There's something I picked up, from the original Twin Peaks of all places, that has actually helped me a lot. Once a day, do something just for you. Doesn't have to be big. A snack that you like, a tv program, a cup of coffee, 15 minutes to read a book or story. Just something that is entirely selfish for yourself. It can be a challenge to get yourself into the habit, but oh so worth it. For me, I try to read at least 4 pages of a book during my lunch hour at work. Dealing with ADHD in my adult life still? Not always a simple task. But, small steps get you there.

There's a fear some have talked to me about with ADHD that sometimes your mind can feel like it is slipping, knowledge leaving you, and that you're going to get dumber as you get older. But you're not going to get dumber, you're not going to be brain dead. Anyone who tells you that happens is a damn liar.

The thing about ADHD is that it isn't just a lack of focus, it's the hyper focus that makes people think you're unfocussed. latching onto something almost obsessively. You have to train yourself to deal with it, and I really wish i could describe how to do that better, but I'm not sure how I wound up doing it without my meds sometimes myself. With work? Try to find a work environment that you can turn the side-effects to your advantage. I work retail, have most of my life now. I turned my sudden need to move and walk into excuses to patrol the store grounds, hit up other departments to see what is happening in them and general meandering that still looks like I'm busy.

The hyper focus? Don't fight it, ride it out. Trying to deny it will make it worse. Listen to that song for 6 hours nonstop. Watch that show til you get tired of it. Search for that collector's piece to finish your set BUT COLLECT RESPONSIBLY. I've had the song Lake Shore Drive on loop for 40 minutes as I type this, as an example.

I would draw in class, or work on homework for other classes while taking notes for the one I was in. Drove my teachers insane. Are you able to multitask with it? Still keep your grades up while doodling? And when i say that, I mean C+ - B+ area are totally acceptable grades. If so, then rock and roll with the doodling. Just, you know, always be ready in case you get called on. There's wonderful smug moments if a teacher calls on you to solve something cause they think you're not paying attention and you grand slam that shit.

Your brain is going to be running 500MPH, all the time. It's going to cycle from Point A to point R, back to point A all day. And there's going to be annoying little voices in your head telling you dumb shit to make you feel bad. Those little voices in your head, give them a face, a sound, something you can then imagine telling to shut the hell up, or punch in the face.

One of the most reoccurring one is going to be: "I really need to discuss this but what if that makes them turn against me in some form." That is the annoying bastard voice that will always haunt you. Even with your closest most trusted friends, IT WILL NOT LEAVE. That is especially annoying when you work retail and need to bring something to your boss' attention! What I have found helps with that?

When you do start talking, don't apologize like "Sorry for taking up your time/being annoying/ect." Try to remove sorry from your vocabulary and replace it with "Thanks for letting me talk about this/giving me a moment to talk/ect." Again, something that takes practice, but can help quite a bit. It can also trick the brain into not feeling bad about the discussion. The Sorries will trigger an instinctive "I'm being a problem." But the thanks yous help the brain go "Yeah, they were ok with this!"

And don't let folks shame you for your interests in comics, tv, and books. EVER. We live in an age were folks will go out of their way to find people who share those interests now. WE HAVE FANDOMS, CONVENTIONS, ENTIRE SECTIONS OF THE INTERNET devoted to stuff we love. When it comes to entertainment, age demographics are for Producers and Ad Execs to worry about, not you. See above with me enjoying cartoons meant for younger ages. (As a bonus, this also means I have on many occassions been able to help confused parents/grandparents in Target/ToysRUs when i walk by and hear them trying to figure out who the hell their kid likes in a tv show. They think I work there. HA)

C.S. Lewis used to talk about how he hid that he loved reading fairy tales growing up out of fear of what folks thought. And as he got older, he just stopped caring.

"Critics who treat adult as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

Do you know how much reading that impacted my life? How much of a realizing of "I'm not alone in this?" that was?

That shit right there helped me realize that there is no one definition for what being a Good Adult means. Cause in the end, there is no such thing as the Good Adult we're told about growing up. We are all, at most, mediocre adults. We win, we fail, we get frustrated, we move forward. There is not a single person out there reading this that has been a Good Adult. At most, they've learned to fake it really well, and that's an awesome skill to learn.

How do I end this? Really I'm not sure how to sum this up, because everytime I try I keep getting distracted by other things.

So... I'll simply say: For those of you out there thinking you're the only one dealing with weird shit in your head, you're not alone. You really are not alone, a lot of us are just scared of talking about it cause that's how people conditioned us, whether they meant to or not. But there's going to be those of us, like myself, my sister, and others who are going to be, "YO, LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS WEIRD SHIT!" You just gotta find us. We're here to help.

#ADHD #mental health #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #long posts #add #I grew up with this shit

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pftones3482 · 8 years ago

Text

Fake

Uhhhh....longer version of this post? Cause people ( @fuckeduphufflepuff ) were saying in the tags that they wanted it to be longer, and I have too much free time on my hands.

Langst. Put under a cut for length.

His smile grew fake, after a while. Honestly, Lance didn’t even notice at first. He didn’t realize how much it hurt to force his lips upwards, to throw that brightness in his eyes, the lilt in his voice. He didn’t notice that his laughs were more harsh than usual, until Hunk shot him a frown one day when his chuckle was more sarcastic than not.

Shiro had made another joke about Lance flirting with girls.

Lance wondered how long it would take for the rest of them to realize that he hadn’t flirted with anyone in over two weeks. For them to realize that he had stopped talking to the members of the planets they landed on unless he had to.

He realized his laugh was fake when Pidge commented on how dumb he was, when he didn’t know some complex equation she was talking about. He heard the joking tone in her voice, he was sure he did.

Someone needed to tell his brain that a joke was all it was.

Slowly, Lance gave up on laughing at the jokes thrown around about him. About his flirting, about his lack of knowledge on sophisticated topics, about his seemingly wild ideas that they never tested, so they could never tell if they actually worked or not.

Eventually his smiles went with the laugh. He brought it out again only if someone gave him a weird look, or if someone (usually Hunk or Coran) confronted and asked him if he was all right.

Lance was fine, really. He was just coming to terms with the fact that his team thought he was stupid, thought his jokes were annoying, thought he was annoying. He was used to it, honestly. He had siblings, he was used to being teased.

So why did this hurt more?

Lance kept feeling it; the stab of guilt or of depression when someone made a joke at his expense. Every time Pidge told him he wouldn’t understand, every time Shiro or Keith joked about his flirting or fighting skills, whenever Allura shot him an irritated look because he was standing closer to her than usual. Coran didn’t partake in the jokes often, but when he did it was almost the worst of all of them.

Lance was grateful Hunk had laid off the teasing. He knew the yellow paladin was more perceptive than most people gave him credit for, and though he never told Hunk how much it all bothered him, he was sure he knew.

So Lance stopped smiling unless necessary, stopped laughing unless it was to avoid suspicion. Because really, why bother anyone with his stupid jokes if they were just going to mock him for it later?

It didn’t matter.

He didn’t matter.

The first night he couldn’t sleep, he didn’t really think much of it. Too tired from training, he figured. He had been hauling his ass to the training deck more and more often, trying to prove to the team that he wasn’t as useless as they seemed to think. He should have been exhausted; instead, he found himself stepping from his room and wandering the castle halls.

Lance knew that logically someone had to be awake, so he avoided the common rooms and piloting deck. He steered clear of the observation room, because Pidge liked to spend time in there when she couldn’t sleep (which was often) watching old Earth movies she had somehow downloaded onto her laptop. His feet carried him past the training arena, where he faltered, but the familiar sound of metal on metal told him that at least two of the five paladins were awake and he kept walking.

His hands dug into his pockets when the arena’s door swooshed open and there was a pause. “Lance?” Keith called in confusion. “What are you doing awake?”

He forced that fake smile onto his face and turned on his heel to face his rival. He didn’t want a rival anymore. He just wanted a friend. “Taking a walk. What are you doing?”

Keith raised an eyebrow and gestured at the training room, then his bayard. “Uh, training? What does it look like?”

Lance shoved out the laugh that hadn’t formed naturally, shifting to his other foot. He dug his nails into the palms of his hands, hidden in his pockets. “Right, duh. I’ll leave you to it, then.”

Keith frowned. “You wanna spar?”

Shit. He couldn’t say no. Keith would tease him, make fun of him for being scared. Lance swallowed and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “What, you want a piece of this? Man, you won’t make it out alive.”

Fake, fake, fake. It was all so fake. Keith scoffed and settled his hands on his hips. “Yeah, okay, whatever you say. Have fun on your walk.”

The red paladin twisted and stomped back into the room and it took everything in Lance not to call him back, not to break.

He didn’t want a rival.

But Keith didn’t actually care about him, not really. Not the way he did Shiro, or Hunk, or even Pidge. No, Keith tolerated him at best. Not even that, sometimes. Lance didn’t blame him. He was annoying, loud, too much.

It became a habit, after that, to take walks when he couldn’t sleep. It felt like the more walks he took, the more he couldn’t sleep. It started to sink in, to affect every part of him, his fighting, his speech, his brain. The more he didn’t sleep, the more mistakes he made. And the more mistakes he made, the more he was teased.

Hunk still stayed quiet during the ridicule, and Lance appreciated him for it, he really did. But there was something there, every time he fucked up. A flicker of irritation, a sigh when they had to start a simulation over because Lance stumbled over his own two feet.

“How is it you train so often and yet you still haven’t improved at all?” Allura snapped after one particularly bad session where Lance had accidentally stepped away from a line of fire and caught Shiro in the back of the neck with the fake laser. “Honestly Lance, sometimes I wonder at Blue’s decision.”

Shiro frowned at that, as did everyone else, but Lance just plastered another smile on his face, another piece of fake happiness, and gave a weak shrug. “Maybe I just like hearing you yell at me, babe.”

Groans spilled from everyone’s lips and Lance had to fight to keep his chin from quivering as Allura rolled her eyes and broke up the training exercise for dinner. Lance followed along silently, helmet under one arm, and sank down at the table on Hunk’s left, at the end of the row.

At least no one else had to put up with him.

Hunk had helped with dinner preparation for the day, or at least prepared it beforehand so that there was very little Coran could mess up, and everyone dug in eagerly. Lance picked at the food at best, realizing he wasn’t hungry.

He hadn’t been for a while, he noted with irritation, stabbing at the pink goo and touching it to his tongue. He swallowed, the taste of raspberries on his lips, and then slowly spread the rest around his plate, breaking it up, eating small pieces so that no one would question him.

Lance got up from the table first, excusing himself and dumping what was left in the trash chute. “I’m headed to bed,” he declared, stretching (fake) and giving them a smile (fake).

Allura frowned. “Oh no you’re not! Your performance today was terrible at best. You need at least another hour in the simulation. Hunk, go with him, make sure he completes the round to satisfactory.”

Hunk shot him a glance, eyes roving down his body, and Lance knew he saw the weariness there. He nodded. “Sure, Princess.”

“No letting him leave either. I know he’ll give you his puppy dog eyes.”

Lance slumped imperceptibly and picked his helmet off the chair. Everyone else remained silent as they left and he fought to keep his eyes from betraying the tears in them. They all agreed, he was terrible. He didn’t matter.

He supposed, as he tugged his helmet on and pulled out his bayard, calling for the startup simulation as Hunk leaned against the wall, that he never had.

It wasn’t hard to steal from Coran. Give that man a sob story about missing Earth (not fake) and he would leave you alone with every tool you could imagine for immeasurable amounts of time. Lance would miss that.

His pockets would clank, so he had found rags to wrap the most essential tools he could find in. Wrench with adjustable head, a hammer, a pair of pliers, double sided screwdriver with three different sized heads for each side, and several Altean tools he didn’t know the names of but knew were important. He wasn’t as dumb as Pidge thought. He knew how to make basic repairs; he couldn’t have been a top cargo pilot otherwise.

His jeans were heavy when he left, jacket heavier, and the walk back to his room was stressful, but he made it. It had been easy enough to find a duffel bag lying around in the unused portions of the castle, one that wouldn’t be missed, and he had been slowly adding what little clothing he had to it.

Stealing from Keith was harder, but at the same time not. He trained all the time, so sneaking into his room was a piece of cake. Trying to find a knife from his collection he wouldn’t miss too soon? Difficult.

He pulled one from the bottom, a switchblade that he could easily slip up his sleeve or into his jacket, one with a sturdy handle and sharp edge that Lance knew from watching Keith use it wouldn’t break easily. It was almost as long as his hand, which made it good for close range defense. That was all he wanted.

It had been at the bottom of the pile, discarded, and Lance hadn’t seen Keith use much more than his bayard or Galra knife lately, so he figured he was good for a while in terms of being caught.

He didn’t need long.

The hardest part was leaving Blue. He couldn’t take her; the team needed all of the lions and bayards, even if they didn’t need him. Allura could pilot. It didn’t mean he wouldn’t miss her, though; he had come to grow fond of the robot, and she purred anxiously in his mind when he snuck into the hangar to say goodbye.

“They don’t need me,” he mumbled, sliding a shaking hand up her foreleg and using the other to clutch his bag. Keith’s knife was in his pocket and he had a week’s worth of food in his bag, more if he rationed it. He had taken maps from Pidge of the solar system, and one spare knife he would only use if necessary from the training room. “They never have.”

Blue huffed in protest, and the other lions seemed to twitch too, though Lance couldn’t be sure. He smiled sadly and pressed his forehead to Blue’s nose. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t just be a punchline.”

She rumbled in his mind and this time Lance was certain the other lions did as well, and his breath hitched. The fact that they cared about him, and that they cared more than the actual people on board? Hurt more than he could admit.

He stepped away and turned, heart stuttering as he watched the rest of the lions sink down to their haunches, chins on the ground, and it took everything in him to stumble his way out of the room and towards the pod hangar he had been prepping.

He left silently, in the dead of what the castle considered night.

And no one noticed.

“Anyone seen Lance this morning?” Shiro asked, spoon hovering over the leftovers from Hunk’s chocolate re-creation. “It’s almost ten. I know he usually sleeps in, but this is nuts.”

Everyone shook their heads, most of them quiet either from sleep deprivation or because their mouths were full of the space pudding. Shiro frowned down at his bowl and kept eating.

It didn’t take long to finish, and when they did, Shiro and Hunk went around to Lance’s room while Keith and Pidge helped clean up breakfast, Shiro tapping the metal fingers of his arm against Lance’s door. “Lance? Come on, it’s time to wake up!”

There was silence and Hunk glanced over at their leader. “Maybe he’s sick?” he suggested. “He’s looked kind of tired lately.”

“Good point.”

Shiro tapped in Lance’s code and the door swung in, revealing a completely bare room. The lion slippers sat just under the bed, a note resting on the mattress. Hunk stepped inside and leaned over, grabbing it. His face went pale. “Shiro, he’s gone.”

Shiro’s face hardened. “What, like a ransom? How could someone get in the castle without us-?”

“No!” Hunk yelped, shoving the note in his face. “I mean he’s just gone. He left, Shiro!”

Shiro ripped the note from Hunk’s hands, skimming it once, twice, three times before his hardened look fell into anguish. “He left because he didn’t feel like he was part of the team?”

“God, I knew something was wrong!” Hunk snapped, spinning around and punching the wall. That was clearly a mistake, as moments later he cursed and started nursing his hand.

“What’s wrong?” Pidge asked, popping her head into the room. Keith was right behind her, and their eyes slowly caressed over Lance’s room in bewilderment. “Where’s Lance?”

“He’s gone,” Hunk choked out hoarsely.

Keith frowned. “Like…what, kidnapped?”

“He left!” Hunk shouted. “Because we’re assholes!”

The group fell into surprised silence at the sound of Hunk cussing. “We teased him and taunted him and ridiculed him and called him a bad paladin and he left. What the hell kind of teammates are we?”

“They were just…they were just jokes,” Pidge said softly, her eyes concerned behind her glasses. “None of us meant…”

“Wait a second, when did he leave the note?” Keith asked. “Maybe he didn’t leave long ago? We can track Blue from our lions, right? Let’s just go find him!”

“Good idea,” Shiro said, dragging his gaze away from Hunk. “Suit up.”

Minutes later found them in the hangar, helmets off, staring at Blue. She paced what little space she had with a quiet anger radiating off of her, tail twitching and throat growling whenever any paladin tried to get near. The other lions, much to the paladin’s surprise, refused to open up for them.

“What the hell happened?” Pidge asked, gaze flickering between the distressed felines and her friends. “Why…what…how?”

“He left in a pod,” Shiro realized. “Same as you were planning to do, Pidge. And he probably took all his stuff with him.”

Keith suddenly let out a string of curses and everyone looked at him. “That’s where my knife went!” he informed them. “I thought I had just misplaced it somewhere, but I noticed yesterday that one of them was missing. One from the wall of the training room, too.”

“Some of the snacks from the pantry are gone,” Hunk put in, face slowly starting to pale as he realized just how much thought Lance had put into this. “I thought maybe Pidge was getting snacky during her movie nights.”

Pidge ignored Hunk. “My maps, Coran’s missing tools that he thought I took….how long has this been going on?”

“And how did we not notice?” Keith asked, his voice cracking a little as he stared up at Blue.

“Allura?” Shiro called into his headset. “Can you pull up the security footage from the lion hangar last night?”

“Of course. Did you find-?”

“No.”

The holoscreen popped up on Pidge’s arm and she fast forwarded through a couple hours of quiet, dark footage, the rest of the paladins crowding around her. Around the three am mark, the automatic lights flickered on and Lance walked on screen, bag slung across his back. Pidge turned up the volume as he started talking to Blue. The first few words were soft, explaining that he was leaving, he needed her to find a new paladin for the team.

“They don’t need me,” he said, hand on the lions leg. “They never have.”

Multiple phrases of protest filtered from the group but Pidge shushed them, eyes watering as she turned up the volume further. “I’m sorry. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t just be a punchline.”

Pidge cursed and dug a hand through her hair, tears pooling at the edges of her gaze as they watched in silent awe while the lions basically bowed to Lance. “No wonder they won’t let us in,” Hunk grumbled, his voice shaky. “They must think we’re assholes.”

“We are assholes.”

No one disagreed with Keith as Pidge dropped her arm and swiped furiously at her cheeks. “Well we’re not just letting him leave!” she protested. “We’re getting him back. If he took a pod, we can track it, right Coran?”

“I’m afraid he’s disabled all communication and tracking devices in the pod, and anything we could try remotely has been scrambled with one of the devices he stole,” said Coran over the intercom. “Basically, unless someone reports him to us, he comes back on his own, or we just happen to run across him…we can’t find him.”

The group fell silent and stared up at Blue, who had stopped pacing and was glaring down at them with what could only be called hostility. None of them blamed her; they had virtually torn Lance down word for word, ridicule digging salt into already bleeding wounds. And they had never seen the damage they were doing. Not until it was already too late to get him back.

The absence of laughter was suddenly overwhelming.

#langst #my writing #voltron #vld #voltron: legendary defender #lance #self deprecation #depression #my mood tbh

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