#mild eye trauma tw I guess

[planetveensz]

the feeling that remains — ellie williams

— part 1/7 you meet ellie during highschool, the catalyst of some of the best years of your life... until they aren't. three years after breaking up, you're trying to move on with your life. dina and jesse are getting married; and when dina asks you to be one of her bridesmaids, how could you refuse? but guess who just so happens to be jesse's best (wo)man? tw: second chance romance! exes to lovers! modern!au, fem!reader, slow burn, mult storylines, angst, fluff, first meetings, religious trauma, homophobia, gay slurs, drinking, smoking, mild violence, possibly some ooc vibes, eventual smuttt :p wk: 5.4k, spotify playlist! an: ellie my wife <3 i hope i do you justice in this fic <3 this is probably going to be a bit slower to update, once every two weeks maybe? a lot of this is based off my own personal experiences as a gay woman so it's very near and dear to me :) i am always open to suggestions, feedback, and ideas! so pls send them in! enjoy xx

series masterlist | part 2

IT RAINED THE NIGHT you first met Ellie.

You knew who she was; there were always rumors about her floating around school. People called her terrible names behind her back, said she was someone you shouldn’t hang around. You avoided her not because you believed them, but because you were intimidated by her. 

Ellie was devastatingly pretty; had such kind green eyes and a sweet smile, she was also way cooler than you could ever dream of being. You were sure if you tried to speak to her you wouldn’t get one word out, she made you so nervous.

You watched her diligently from inside Dina’s living room, a paper party hat on your head. Dina invited you over to celebrate her 16th birthday, throwing a small party. Her parents were out of town and her big sister Talia had gotten her hands on some alcohol. You’d known Dina from a very young age; you went to the same preschool and became best friends in kindergarten. Dina was one of your only friends, aside from the girls in your church choir. 

Now that you had entered the second half of your sophomore year, you felt as if Dina stayed friends with you out of pity. She was always dragging you along, taking it upon herself to invite you to things. You appreciated it but had an inkling no one else wanted you around like she did. Dina required that you made an appearance at all events she hosted; she was also sure to bring you to bonfires and house parties, claiming you as her “plus one”.

You sighed and passed a red solo cup from one hand to the other, wiping the condensation off on your jeans. You were tipsy, it was the second time you had ever had alcohol outside of church. When you first arrived, you eyed the cup Dina handed you suspiciously. “Don’t worry,” Dina said, “you won’t go to hell for getting a little drunk.” 

You had taken the cup with a shy smile. “Happy birthday, Dina.” You handed her the gift you’d been holding in your other hand. She gasped, hands falling on your shoulders with the most gleeful smile on her face. 

The wrapping was perfectly done, you had hunched over the thing until every line was parallel and taped down perfectly. You finished it with a charming blue ribbon, tied in a neat bow at the front. “Oh, it’s lovely!” Dina gushed and you preened under her kind words. She untied the bow and carefully ripped open the paper to reveal her present. She squealed, pulling out the special edition copy of Pride and Prejudice. “You shouldn’t have!”

Really, you shouldn’t have. You saved up every cent you earned from chores the last four months to afford the book, but you wanted to spoil Dina. She deserved it, for sticking with you all these years, for being such a good friend. Before you could reply, she snapped that stupid party hat on your head and gave you a big kiss on the cheek. “You’re precious,” Dina said earnestly, “I adore you.”

You flushed at her words, unable to take the compliment. You scratched the back of your neck, attempting to brush off the twisting feeling in your stomach. You laughed awkwardly, “thanks.” Dina snorted, patting the same cheek she’d smooched.

“Now drink up, church girl, the party just started!”

You’d lost sight of Dina a while ago, choosing to stand aside in the living room while people chattered around you. Some music was bumping from an old speaker Dina thrifted with you a few months ago. There weren’t that many guests, a handful of people you knew from school, some of Talia’s friends as well. Ellie was sitting on the back porch around the firepit with Jesse and a couple of buddies, smoking a joint and talking loudly with each other. 

The fire flickered and illuminated the freckles on her cheeks. You smiled to yourself when you noticed her dimple became more prominent the more animatedly she spoke. That’s when the rain started, along with a boom of thunder in the sky. Your little bubble popped and everyone shuffled inside, opting to sit in the living room. You could feel the strained expression form on your face as it became more crowded.

Jesse noisily suggested playing truth or dare and you took that as your cue to leave. You snuck off into the kitchen, filling a glass with water. Your mouth had gone dry from your drink and your head was swimming a little from the effects of the alcohol. The water soothed your throat as you drank it.

“Not interested in playing games?” You choked on the mouthful you were about to swallow, whipping around to see Ellie leaning against the entranceway to the kitchen. Her eyebrows raised at your reaction and you could see that she was fighting off a smile.

You wiped your mouth with your hand. “N-no. Well, yes, I mean—” you paused. “Just needed some water.” You lifted the cup in your hand. 

“I can see that.” Her smile was sly and precarious. You weren’t sure if she was teasing, flirting, or making fun of you.

You squinted your eyes at her, “are you not interested? In playing games, I mean.” Ellie took a few steps towards you. Her auburn hair was damp from the rain and you could smell it on her sweatshirt; an earthy, rich scent.

She plucked the cup from your hands, sipping on your water. She placed it on the counter, empty. “Not really, no. They’re lame.” She tilted her head at you, a hazy look in her eyes.

“Are you high?”

She laughed right in your face, “yes, you priss. That’s what happens when you smoke.”

A raging warmth bloomed on your face. This was maybe the second time you’d ever spoken to Ellie alone; the previous being a bunch of stuttered sentences while you both waited for Dina to join you after school. You didn’t remember her being this snarky. “Okay.” You stressed, “no need to be rude.” You crossed your arms defensively.

She huffed through her nose, a smile on her lips. She flicked the hat on your head. “Just messing with you.” She bit her bottom lip and your gut twisted in anticipation.

You ripped the hat off your head, placing it on the counter next to the cup; suddenly feeling juvenile for wearing it. You plucked up all of the courage you had, from the alcohol and pure spite. “You sure you aren’t being a flirt? I’ve heard things about you, Williams,” you tilted your head playfully so she knew you were joking too.

She was full-on grinning, her eyes sparkled. That dimple below the left corner of her mouth appeared. Your breath caught in your throat. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She leaned in slightly, looking at you with an expression that made butterflies flutter in your stomach.

You scrunched your nose at her, genuinely smiling for the first time that night since seeing Dina. “Y’know,” you turned your head away from her, looking up at the ceiling to avoid her piercing green eyes, “I’ve never smoked before.” 

Her smirk was pure electricity, “well, that just won’t do.” The cutesy butterflies became a hoard of bats when she pulled a new joint out of her back pocket. Her hand grasped yours and you were taken aback at how soft her skin was. You stared at your conjoined hands as she began pulling you to the other side of the kitchen, towards the connecting hallway.

You laughed and allowed her to lead you upstairs to the last door on the right, Dina’s room. Ellie shut the door behind you both and plopped herself on Dina’s window seat. You watched, frozen, as she wrestled the creaky old window open and stuck the joint in her mouth. “C’mere,” she nodded to the space next to her, speaking around the joint, “I don’ bite.”

You sprung into action, stumbling over to her. You sat next to her, your knees knocking against hers. She lit the joint, sucking in air so that the end ignited. She grasped it between her pointer finger and thumb as she passed it to you. “Now, don’t inhale too much, you’re gonna cough a lot cuz this is your first time.” She facilitated, “just take small hits until your throat’s used to the burn.”

You nodded, letting her words sink in. You brought the joint to your mouth, curling your lips around the filter, and breathed in. The taste was pleasant, but the burn was not. You immediately let out a cough, a puff of smoke escaping your mouth, unable to help yourself. You passed the joint back to her.

She smiled at you knowingly, “I was really bad the first time I smoked,” she laughed slightly, “nobody told me to take it easy so I inhaled way too much.” She took a hit of her own. “Coughed so hard I threw up.”

You let out a surprised laugh, shocked to hear that someone with her reputation had a story like that under her belt. “When was this?” You asked curiously.

“Back in Boston, before I moved here.” Ellie explained, “I did it right in front of the girl I had a massive crush on. It was so embarrassing.”

You smiled at her affectionately; passing the joint back and forth, you allowed a light daze to settle over your mind. “The first time I ever drank, Dina and I snuck a whole glass of vodka from her mom’s stash during a sleepover. We got so drunk we had to lay on the floor, everything was spinning so bad.”

Ellie gave you a bemused smile, “damn, church girl has a bad side.”

“I didn’t really want to do it at first, but, y’know,” you shrugged, picking your fingernails.

“What?” Ellie urged.

“It’s Dina.” You stated.

Ellie nodded, understanding settling on her face. “Oh, so you have a crush on Dina?”

“What?” You exclaimed, “no! I mean, she’s my best friend—”

“Yeah.” Ellie interrupted, “your best friend. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” She shoved your shoulder, laughing at your mortified face. “All closeted girls fall in love with their best friend, it’s a right of passage.”

“Wha—?” Your face flamed with embarrassment, “Ellie, I am not gay. It’s a sin.”

Her eyebrows raised at you and she scoffed. “Right.” She said.

“I have nothing against gay people,” you held your hands up, attempting to explain yourself, “I just can’t—I can’t be gay.” She chewed the inside of her cheek as you accepted the joint from her hands, taking an especially large hit. You cough like crazy when you pass it back to her. “I have no problem with you, I’m sorry I said that.”

“‘s okay.” She said, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear and dropping her head to gaze at her shoes.

“No, it’s not.” You leaned forward so that you could look her in the eye. “I’m not like the other kids at school, I’m not some bigot.”

Ellie laughed at you again, “I got it, I got it.” Her eyes sparkled when the moonlight bounced off of them; you found yourself needing to catch your breath, chest tight. It was the smoke, just the smoke. 

There was a knowing look on her face when she looked at you again, like she understood something you didn’t. “So, what exactly have you heard about me, then?” She asked you suddenly.

“That you’re a… raging lesbian that sells drugs and fights people for fun.” You crooked a smile at her when you said it. Ellie laughed out loud, cackling with her head thrown back. You couldn’t help but join in.

IT BEGAN TO RAIN when your flight took off for California.

You had the window seat and because of your anxiety, you held your pee for three hours instead of squeezing past your neighbors to get to the restroom. While rushing to the airport bathroom, you felt a string of buzzing in your pocket. You pulled your phone out and watched as nearly a hundred texts from Jesse pinged on your phone, stress-ridden and panicked; finally loading after you got cell service again.

You smiled wistfully, using the toilet before even attempting to respond let alone read his manic word vomit. You headed to the baggage carousel as you began to sift through the messages. Most were just mangled screaming, some half-literate, some fully realized thoughts. You rolled your eyes affectionately, a smile tugging on your lips.

Jesse was asking Dina to marry him today.

Instead of sending a supportive text, you decided giving Jesse a call would do a lot more good. He picked up after the first ring. “Jess,” you greeted carefully, “I got your messa—”

“Please help me!” He wailed on the other side of the phone. You attempted to disrupt the laugh that passed through your lips with a cough; he had never sounded this frazzled before.

“What’s wrong?” You urged, eyes flickering to the conveyor belt as it started spitting out suitcases.

“I’m not sure if I should wear the blue suit with a red tie or the black suit with the black tie or the gray suit—”

“Jesse, dude,” you said slowly, “please, calm down. You’re working yourself up for no reason.” You spotted your luggage and huffed as you lifted it off the carousel. “This proposal is super intimate and private, I don’t think you should wear a suit at all.”

“But Joel said—”

“Jess, I love and respect Joel so much, but don’t take advice from a man who’s never been married and hasn’t had to worry about what he’s wearing for a woman since Ellie graduated from college.” You said expressionlessly, all in one breath. There was a pause over the phone. 

Jesse erupted into laughter. “Oh, man,” it sounded like he was wiping a tear, “I can always count on you to make me feel better.”

You couldn’t help the smile that twitched onto your lips. “You should wear dark bottoms with a light top or light bottoms with a dark top. Think dressed up casual, if you go too fancy it’ll clash with the location.” You had the phone wedged between your ear and your shoulder as you fiddled with your purse, trying to grab your sunglasses. “I’ll find some inspiration for you on Pinterest.”

“Ugh, you’re a lifesaver.” Jesse sounded much more relaxed. “Thank you.”

“Of course, Jess, call me if you need anything else, okay?” He made an affirmative sound before you said your goodbyes and hung up. You chuckled, shaking your head at your best friend.

Your next call was to Talia, who said she was parked in front of your terminal. The California heat embraced you when you stepped outside of the airport lobby; it felt like coming home. You loved the feeling of the dry, unforgiving air against your skin. It had been too long.

A melancholy feeling took hold of your heart, squeezing it gently within its bitter palm. So much had changed since you were last in Cali; everything had changed the day you left Cali.

Talia drove a swanky little Volkswagen Beetle, it was a bright yellow and she had the top down. The wind brushed your balmy skin as you drove along the Californian coast; it was like a dream realized. In two hours, your best friends would be engaged.

“The engagement party’s gonna have an open bar,” Talia grinned, one hand on the steering wheel, “you better know I’m gonna abuse that shit after all the trouble we’ve gone through.”

It was true; keeping this massive secret from Dina, being emotional support for Jesse, and helping to plan the proposal. It was a lot of work, but it was worth it.

“She’s going to love it so much, I don’t even care how stressed I’ve been.” You replied, imagining the look that was going to be on Dina’s face when she showed off her ring. 

Most guests didn’t know what the party Jesse had planned was actually for, meaning it’d be a shock for nearly everyone there. Dina loved surprises and having a surprise engagement party after her proposal was going to be like icing on the cake for her.

Talia hesitated and you looked at her inquisitively, “...are you like—worried about Ellie being there?”

You laughed nervously in response,  “now that is something I’m not thinking about.” And you really hadn’t. You had gotten so good at pushing Ellie and all of the emotional baggage that came with her out of your mind. You forced yourself not to think about her; to keep her intimate smiles and loving giggles from resonating in your head.

It had been three years; having thoughts about your ex after that long was kind of concerning.

Talia relented, allowing you to stop the conversation before it happened. You spoke about the dress you’d brought to wear to the party and sent Jesse some outfit ideas from your Dina + Jesse Wedding Inspiration board.

Dina’s face sparkled as bright as the darling ring on her left fourth finger. Just as you thought it would. You were over the moon for her; the choked gasp she let out when she saw you for the first time in the cramped bar nearly made you sink to your knees. Your sweet Dina was finally getting everything she’d dreamed of.

“You’re here!” She exclaimed into your hair as she hugged you tight against her.

You rubbed her back, “of course I am. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” When you pulled apart her eyes were wet with emotion.

“Ugh,” she dabbed at her lashes, “don’t make me cry, you fucker.”

She’d slipped away into the crowd not much longer after that, tending to the other guests who were congratulating her and Jesse. Before you could huddle back into a corner, Jesse squeezed you into his embrace and kissed the top of your head. The tears that burned the back of your eyes convinced you to grab another drink before disappearing.

You signaled to the bartender, who approached you with a smile. “Whiskey, neat,” you said, propping your arms onto the bartop. “Please.”

“I see some things never change.”

Your head whipped to your right at the sound of a familiar drawling voice.

Ellie Williams’ gorgeous green eyes met yours, a hundred-watt smile forming on her face that sent your heart into palpitations. She was wider, fuller, clearly stronger. All signs of youth had been erased from her face with age. She’d always been annoyingly attractive, but apparently, you couldn’t catch a break from that fact even if she was your ex-girlfriend.

Even if she was your biggest heartbreak.

“Ellie,” her name left your mouth like a whisper, or maybe a prayer. How long had you secretly begged to see her again?

“Hey,” she greeted; leaning coolly against the bar, propping her tattooed forearm on the edge. You swallowed thickly.

“When’d—” your voice cracks, “when’d you get here? I didn’t see you come in.”

Her gaze swept down the length of your body and it felt like she just casually set you on fire. “I snuck in a couple minutes ago. I missed the big entrance, don’t tell anyone.” She gave you a half-smile, that fucking dimple creasing the corner of her mouth.

You felt like you were totally fumbling this interaction. She had completely thrown you off your axis; tossed a wrench into your meticulous plans to avoid interacting with her. The bartender placed your drink in front of you and Ellie grabbed their attention to order her own.

You gulped down your whiskey in three large mouthfuls, eye twinging at the taste. Your sinuses cleared and the additional oxygen to your brain calmed you a bit. “Oh—and another whiskey for the lady, please,” Ellie said as you placed your empty glass on the bar top.

You chuckled embarrassedly when Ellie winked at you while she spoke, mortified with yourself. Oh, you were entirely falling apart.

“How’s your mom?” Ellie asked and you released a breath.

“Um—good,” you cupped the back of your neck with your hand, avoiding her face. “She moved up to Boston last year to be closer to me. She’s uh, remarried.”

Ellie’s voice raised in surprise, “oh, you’re on the East Coast now?”

“Mhm,” you nodded, sending the bartender a smile when they placed your new drink in front of you, “moved there for work.” When Ellie didn’t say anything you spared a glance at her.

She looked kind of shell-shocked, a tick in her mouth that made your gut turn. You knew why, but didn’t have the strength to say anything about it to her. “What’s Joel up to? We haven’t spoken for a while.”

Ellie forced a smile, “oh, you know. Being an old man.” She wrung her fingers together like she was building her courage. “So, were you ever gonna tell me that—”

Someone called out your name from behind you. Abby Anderson approached you with her arms open and you let out a gasp when you saw her. “Abs!” You gave her a big hug. “Jesse said you weren’t coming!”

“I wasn’t, but when I heard you’d be here—”

You smacked her shoulder playfully, “stop that.”

“I was able to use some PTO last minute.” Abby’s pouty lips pulled into a smile.

A warm hand brushed your lower back, sending a shiver up your spine. Ellie leaned down to speak softly in your ear, “I’m gonna go congratulate the happy couple, I’ll see you later?”

The musky, spicy scent of her cologne flooded your senses and everything became hazy. She smelled downright edible.

“Yeah.” You breathed out, eyes fixed on the slope of her nose and lips.

She squeezed your hip lightly as her hand moved away. “Anderson,” she greeted Abby. 

“Hey, Ellie, nice to see you,” Abby replied. Ellie sent her a two-finger salute, then walked towards the hoard of people surrounding Dina and Jesse.

“Jesus fuck,” you complained, fanning a hand on your blistering cheeks.

Abby snorted, “how ya doin’?”

You sent her a withering look. “Shut up.”

DINA FORCED YOU to come to her house for a party again.

This time, you arrived before most guests; tupperware of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies clutched in your sweaty hands. You were nervous about the social interaction, dreading it, actually. Your hand trembled when you pushed open Dina’s front door. 

Ellie trailed in after you, keys dangling off her index finger while she held the screen door open for you. She was your designated driver for the night. You insisted you didn’t need one, you weren’t going to have more than one drink, but she wouldn’t surrender.

A cookie Ellie had hand-picked as the best from the batch was hanging out of her mouth. You suspected that was the real reason she wanted to drive you, first pick out of the cookie selection. You rounded the corner and entered the kitchen; some of your anxiety was chased away when you laid eyes on Dina and Jesse.

Jesse squealed in excitement when he saw the treats you brought over. He did a little dance when you opened up the container for him. “You are an angel.” He said as he groaned into the cookie he’d snatched.

Dina smacked his shoulder when he grabbed a second one, telling him to fuck off and save some for the rest. You could see the hearts in her eyes when he turned to her with a sweet smile on his face then devoured the second cookie in one bite.

Time passed, more people were filtering in from the frigid air. You could tell most of them pregamed, eyes drooping and cheeks flushed with blood. One especially belligerent guy you’d seen in the halls at school screamed, “Merry Christmas, bitches!” when he entered the doorway. You cringed, and Ellie laughed at the disgusted look on your face. She pulled you to the couch, shoving a glass of whiskey into your hands.

You cast another look at the sweater she was wearing, a reindeer with the word “horny” underneath it, and dropped into the cushions. “That sweater is so stupid,” you told her for the third time that night, and she gave you a devious smile.

“So you’ve said.” She plopped down next to you, spreading her legs comfortably, “I think you’re secretly jealous. Your sweater looks straight out of a granny catalog.”

You gasp, feigning offense. “How dare you!” Glancing down at your cheerful sweater, you realized that maybe it kind of did look like it could be found in an old lady’s arts-and-craft magazine. There were three snowmen lined up across the front with sewn-in sequins, pom-poms, and other knick-knacks as decoration. You sighed defeatedly, “but you’re right.”

Ellie shoved you on the shoulder as she laughed. You loved seeing her this way, carefree and relaxed. Whether it was the false bravado or misconstrued rumors, your impression of Ellie before your friendship began was completely wrong.

In the months since Dina’s window, you’d learned how similar Ellie really was to you. She preferred the quiet; she liked to read, play video games, and have movie nights. You look back on how nervous you were around her and laugh, Ellie was a big dorky sweetheart at her core. Nothing like the sly playboy-like image you had in your head.

You pulled your legs up, turned to face her, and tucked your socked feet under her thigh as you sipped on your drink. The burn in your throat was pleasant. You leaned your side against the back of the couch as you asked her, “have you finished Jane Eyre yet?”

“No! Shit, I’m sorry!” She turned to you with wide, guilty eyes. You laughed against the back of your hand at her expression. “I’ve been meaning to finish it, but I’ve been playing that game I told you about,” her hands flailed as she spoke, “you wouldn’t believe what happened.”

You suddenly focused in on the way her mouth moved as she spoke. The way she pressed them together when she was thinking of a word to use, the way she licked her bottom lip between sentences. She was so enthusiastic when she talked about the things she was interested in, her eyes lighting up with delight.

You realized that you had been tuning out her words as you stared, only catching the last half of her rant. “Is this about your fungus game?” You asked, playing dumb so that you could see the annoyed expression form on her face. 

“I’ll have you know that fungus game is the most emotionally tormenting thing I have ever played in my entire life.” She stated, looking you dead in the eye.

“Oh, I believe you. Remember how you called me crying—”

“No.” Ellie cut in. You laughed into your whiskey as you took another sip.

“I wonder if I’d survive that apocalypse.” You mused out loud and Ellie snorted from beside you.

“Definitely not,” she said confidently, “you’re too sweet, you’d die after ten minutes outside.”

You gave her an offended look. “I am not that sweet, I’m just nice to you because you’re my friend.”

“Yeah, right.” Ellie teased, “you feel guilty after killing spiders.”

“They are an essential part of our ecosystem!” You defended yourself. 

Ellie snickered like she’d won the argument; you opened your mouth to make another point when someone cleared their throat from beside you. That drunk boy you recognized from earlier stood in front of the couch, glancing between the two of you. “Hey.” He greeted.

“Hi?” Ellie responded, the tone of her voice raising into a mocking question.

The boy didn’t deter, “I’m Axel.”

“Okay?” Ellie’s voice became more sarcastic.

He was looking at you when he asked, “do you want another drink?”

You glanced at your nearly-empty glass of whisky and shrugged, “honestly, I’m good, I wasn’t planning on having more than one. Thanks, though.”

“‘Cmon,” Axel smiled broadly at you, “it’s Christmas! Just have one more—”

“She said no, Axel,” Ellie said firmly, “why don’t you fuck off?”

Axel scoffed, his eyes still trained on you, “why do you even hangout with this faggot?”

Before Ellie could get up to put him in his place, before she could even react to his words, you were out of your seat. Ellie could only watch stunned as you punched Axel so hard in his face that he stumbled, dropped his drink, then fell to the floor. There was a lull in the crowd of people as they watched it all unfold, Jesse pushing through the kitchen to see the commotion.

If that wasn’t enough, you stomped towards a man already wounded, rearing your foot back threateningly. That’s when Ellie finally reacted, standing up quickly and grabbing you around the waist to pull you away as you screamed, “don’t you ever use that word you limp-dick, good-for-nothing—”

“Whoa, whoa!” Jesse held his hands up, trying to calm you down. “What the hell is going on?”

“Get him outta here, Jesse!” You growled, fuming, “get him out or he’ll have two black eyes!”

Ellie hadn’t removed her arm from around you yet, watching as Jesse pulled the boy up and walked him to the front door. She released you when the door closed. Dina approached, grabbing your face between her hands. “You okay?” She asked, watching as you took quick, aggravated breaths.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You said sternly, wiping at the angry tears forming in your eyes. “He called Ellie a—” you send a sidelong glance at Ellie, whose gaze hadn’t left your face during the entire altercation.

“We’re okay, Dee,” Ellie soothed, “he was just being an asshole.”

Dina nodded, looking between the two of you. You huffed, lurching towards the coat rack to grab your jacket and shoes. “Need some air.” You informed everyone before stepping out the back door.

The frigid winter air nipped at your nose as you huffed breaths into the night. Your fists were clenching and unclenching, the buzz of adrenaline still in your ears. Ellie stepped out not five minutes later, dressed in her boots and jacket.

“Hey…” she began cautiously. But you threw all caution to the wind.

“Aren’t you sick of it all?” You asked angrily, turning to look at the side of her face. Your implication goes unsaid. The rumors, the homophobia, the name calling.

“I mean, yeah, but what am I gonna do?” Ellie shrugged, unperturbed. “I can’t control anyone's actions, only my own. I choose to ignore it.” Then she smiled at you, tilting her head towards the grassy lawn, “‘cmere.” She grabbed your hand and a blanket off the back of a chair and pulled you away from the porch.

Ellie spread the blanket out in the middle of Dina’s yard, sitting on top of it and motioning for you to join her. You sighed, obliging. Your shoulders touched when you situated yourself next to her, laying down flat on your backs.

It was quiet for a few moments, then you saw it. A streak of white light flashed across the sky and you gasped; one hand jumping up and pointing to where the burning asteroid just was, the other grabbing her forearm. “A shooting star!”

When you turned your head to see if Ellie had caught it too, she was already looking at you. “Make a wish,” she said softly, her eyes just as tender as her voice.

You dropped your arm and the fingers on your other hand trailed down her forearm to lace her fingers within yours. You smiled, bad mood completely forgotten. “I wish I could see your face again when you realized I wasn’t as sweet as you thought I was.”

Ellie’s astonished expression made you giggle and squeeze her hand. “I can’t believe you.” She said earnestly, turning back to look at the stars.

“I know, I’m full of surprises.” You said cockily, proud that you threw her off so much that she hadn’t been able to come up with a single sarcastic comment. She laughed freely into the crisp night air, you watched her breaths condense and then evaporate.

An overwhelming feeling overcame you, something like endearment or adoration. “I’m so glad you’re here.” You whispered, just loud enough so she could hear you. You weren’t sure if “here” meant “here in this moment” or “here on planet Earth”, but Ellie didn’t seem to care.

She squeezed your hand back, “I’m glad you’re here, too.”

© planetveensz 2024

[angstyandromanticwriting]

Regina George X Fem!Reader Angsty, Cute, and Fluffy Prompt [Full Version - Part 2 due to Tumblr’s text block limit]

• Takes place after the occurrence of the film [2024 ver. with Reneé Rapp]

• Some mild changes made to some elements of the story

• This is the entirety of the prompt/instalment, as promised!

• There will be more!

!TW: Being stuck in a toxic relationship, insult(s), mention of previously being kidnapped, implied suffering from PTSD + Depression + Separation Anxiety + Anxiety in general, mention of previously being abused (physically and verbally) + injury detail, jealousy, mention of divorce + poor relationship with family/family members, elements of self-doubt + presence of self put-downs, panic-attacks/mention of them, swearing, presence of weaponry, threat(s), suicide attempt(s) + suicidal intentions + consideration, implied/mention of previous elements of homophobia, mention of having nightmares linked to trauma, drug-taking (medication), mention of substance abuse (alcohol addiction), mention of miscarrying, breaking up, sense of drowning - if I’ve missed any, let me know!

Birds’ Eye View/Heart’s Desire

You tried to make it a memorable night; you randomly decided to dance upon your bed with her, for most of it, not sure why, before she had to hide within your closet from your Uncle, Cal, whenever he came into check on you. After he’d got the horses back into the stable, you and her were laying upon your backs, still on the bed, giggling breathlessly alongside each other after you’d had to rescue her from falling off, wrapping your arms around her, before your action brought you both down, luckily still on the bed, rather than off of it, though - you were sure, no matter what happened between you both - you were take such a blow like that for her, any day.

It got you to thinking about your and her previous conversation; how you’d left her side, earlier, only making you feel guilty - what if something had happened to her, on her way back? What if Sunrise had bucked her off? What if she got a concussion, or worse - broke her neck? You tensed up, a pained expression on your face as you glanced over at her, your eyes darkening as you did, but by the time she glanced over at you, she was still smiling, until her heart dropped as soon as she noticed you were trying not to cry, beside her.

“Y/n?” She cooed, her voice gentle, and still sounding a little breathless. “A-Are you-”

“I’m sorry,” you managed weakly, “I-..” You winced, before hastily looking away from her, even as if she intertwined the fingers of her left hand with the fingers of your right one. “I’m so-”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she reassured you, “I promise; I-.. you haven’t hurt me, in any way, shape, or form - you know that, right?”

You hesitated, timidly glancing over at her as you wondered if the electrical current within live wires was stronger than the current passing between your and her hands, right now.

“I know,” you reassured her gently, “I just-.. I guess I just-.. I don’t know; I’m fine, don’t - don’t worry about me.”

“You aren’t fine,” she contradicted; she could heart, as well as see that you weren’t, and it pained her to see that you were still trying to hide things from her the way that you were, “Y/n-”

“Reg,” you interjected shakily, small tears leaking from your eyes, but she wouldn’t give in; she wanted to try and do all she could to help, you, somehow; she hated seeing you upset, the way that you currently were for a reason unbeknownst to her.

“If you’re fine, why are you crying? Aren’t you happy, y’know, to - to be with me?” She asked, and you would falter, a pained expression on your face as you looked over at her, not wanting her to think that you weren’t happy to be with her like you were, right now.

“Of course I am,” you answered, this time without any hesitation at all, because it was true; you were always happy, to be with her whenever you were both together, the way that you were, now, your hands still linked together, and bodies almost touching, only a few paces away from each other - if only you could move just one bit closer to her, and maybe they would be-

“Then what’s wrong? And don’t try and tell me that you’re fine again, because I can see that you’re anything, but fine, right now,” she pried, desperate to find out what was currently plaguing your mind; she hated to think that you were suffering, and wished she could take away anything that was hurting you, the way that this was; it was unbearable, but the worst part of it was that she couldn’t see into your mind, beautiful as she imagined it to be, regardless of the damage it had been dealt, when you were younger than you were, now.

“I-It’s nothing, I swear, I just-..” You fell quiet, your heart pounding, and breathing pattern growing to be a little staggered and uneven, as if you were trying not to panic, only worrying her even more, but before she could protest, or lift her free right hand up to your left cheek, you continued. “It - It’s you,” you managed, your voice briefly trembling, and she would falter, her expression softening a little as she tilted her head partially, trying to hide that your response had worried her, as well as disheartened her; she’d never intended to hurt you the way she assumed she had, until you spoke up again, your voice barely audible, and close to cracking even more than it ever had been, before, “y-your ability, to - to distract me, it - it’s unmatched, a-and - and I - I can’t-”

“It’s okay,” she cooed, trying to hide that she was trying not to panic, alongside you, hearing your voice shaking as you tried not to break down; struggled to breathe, even as she cradled your body close to her own, and eased you up onto your knees to help you try and recompose yourself, as well as to allow herself to connect her forehead to your own, trying her best to provide as much comfort to you as she possibly could, before you could have a panic or heart attack on her, “e-everything’s okay, I promise; you’re safe, here - I’ve got you, and I’m never going to let you go, you know that, right?”

You would appear taken aback, your heart skipping a beat as you glanced up at her, your eyes glinting as soon as they locked with her own.

“I - I know,” you reassured her, smiling timidly over at her as she express relief, evidently glad to hear that you felt safe with her, and for a moment you found yourself trying not to glance down at her lips again, prompting you to wince, and bury your face into her left shoulder; it was just too tempting, having her this close to you - it was unbearable, “I think I heard wolves outside.”

“Wolves?” Regina inquired, appearing confused, as well as concerned; she’d not heard anything out there, except for the wind, and the sound of the horses in the barn, taking a little while to settle down, as usual. “Y/n, there are no wolves here,” she reminded you gently, “are you okay?”

“I - I’m fine, I just-”

“Look at me,” she demanded, her voice ever so soft and inviting, but you didn’t dare lift your head, even as she began to plead with you, “Y/n, please, I need to see your face-”

“I don’t want to,” you interjected weakly, your voice a little strained; you tried not to sniffle, and tried to steady your breathing, but nothing was working as it should, “y-you smell nice, a-and I want to stay like this forever, s-so please don’t-.. don’t let me go.”

“I - I won’t, just please - look at me, just for a second,” she continued, desperate, and for a moment you felt like giving in, your heart aching excruciatingly alongside her own, whilst it also strangely felt like it was soaring, beside her’s, “I need to see you.”

You faltered, and didn’t hesitate to glance up at her, cheeks warming up even more, now that your eyes were meeting again, your faces inches apart.

“Why?” You asked, your voice close to a whisper, but you couldn’t quite remove the awe in your voice as you admired her again, the new light on her face only making everything about her seem so much more divine than you’d ever seen her, and you couldn’t tell if it was just because she was in your room, now, somehow, or if it was just because of how sleepy you were getting, considering your Uncle had recently given you another sleeping pill to try and ward the nightmares away, for the night.

For a moment, Regina found that she couldn’t speak, her heart pounding again so loudly; too loud, against her rib-cage, to the point she feared you might be able to hear it, somehow, but it relieved her that you weren’t teasing her about any noises like that coming from her chest, right now.

“Because you’re fucking amazing,” she answered, without even thinking, the words just slipping from her lips absentmindedly, and for a moment, you loved them, revelling in how it felt, to hear such words from her, until such thoughts were wiped from your mind completely, as soon as her lips were against your’s again, and - for the first time, in what felt like a long time - neither of you could bring yourselves to pull away.

🜚🜸🜚

You wondered how long two people could spend making out, before they passed away from a lack of oxygen; it must have been a few minutes, at least, before you and Regina had had to pull away from each other, that night, giggling breathlessly together as you lovingly admired one another. It was perfect, and you’d give anything to relive that moment - that’s why you’d bought her some flowers, a pretty pink bouquet of roses, hoping she’d like them, more than anything, to the point your hands were shaking, as long as they didn’t steal her affection for you away; it still struck you as being weird, and unusual, that she had feelings for you, too, considering you’d always seen yourself as being a nobody, whilst she was everything, even after all you’d heard about her last year, before the bus had hit her the way it did.

Of course, everything you’d heard about her saying homophobic things made you tense up, the day she’d first joined as a stablehand for your Uncle’s riding centre, but now the very thought of her just made you feel safe; warm and fuzzy, as well as light - so light, that you felt as if you could just take off, right here, right now, and disappear into the sky, except, the thought of never seeing her again kept you grounded enough to stop such a possibility from happening; you couldn’t risk doing anything that might drive her away from you.

You warily stopped at the pathway leading up to her and her mother’s home, your heart skipping so many beats; too many - it was overwhelming, but still you pressed on, trying to take measured breaths, but nothing could calm you down as much as you wished it could - nothing had ever been this important to you, before, but this - this moment was. What was stood before you; in your hands, and heart - it was everything, and you hoped you could keep it that way, no matter what the future held for you both.

You stopped by the door, next, drawing in a shaky breath as you tried to stop your hands from trembling; tried to swallow the lump in your throat as your heart pounded in your ears; blood sounding as if it were pulsing through them - everything was so loud around you, but you wouldn’t let it stop you, as you lifted your right hand, and knocked upon the door.

🜸

“I - love you, Regina,” Shane Olman claimed, stood a few paces away from her in her room, but she didn’t believe him, not that it would make much of a difference if she did, now; he couldn’t even say it, without wincing, and hastily looking away from her, making it so much harder not to hate him, as she fought back a scowl, a notion next to impossible after everything that had happened between them both, recently.

“Oh, do you? ‘Cause I don’t believe you ever did,” she retorted, and Shane would grimace over at her subconsciously, surprised she was even bothering to argue with him over something like this, “let’s face it, I’m nothing to you, but to Y/n-”

“What could she give you, that I don’t?” He questioned sharply, raising his voice a little as he did. Regina would have tried to continue, if he didn’t interject before she could do so. “She is nothing; she will never be anything, but me? I’ve always been so much more, you know that - let’s face it, she’s just a pathetic little brat, who likes clinging to walls everywhere she goes-”

“You shut your mouth, before I shut it, for you!” Regina threatened; she wouldn’t let him insult you like that, especially when he didn’t even know anything about you. You were so much more, and it hurt her to think that other people couldn’t see that, the way she, and your Uncle could. “She is everything, and so much more than you could ever be,” she retorted, standing defensively a few inches away from him, “I won’t let anyone say otherwise, especially when they don’t even know anything about her!”

“Maybe I would know something, if there was anything to be known,” he contradicted, and god did her blood boil - there was so much to be known about you, and it was lingering upon her tongue, everything you’d had to endure; things she believed he would never be able to handle. She even thought she would struggle more in a situation like the kidnapping you’d gone through, a few years ago, now. Your fingers were broken; your wrists were broken - by the time the cops actually found you, you were covered almost everywhere in bruises; her heart dropped, at the thought, whilst she subconsciously balled her hands into fists, wishing she could make your kidnapper pay for what he had done to you.

“I’m warning you, Olman,” she continued dangerously, “you say another word, and you’re gonna get it!”

Shane couldn’t help, but smirk, prompting her to wince; he’d evidently taken that the wrong way, judging by the looks of his demeanour as he inched closer to her, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“What if I want it?” He questioned, and before he could get any closer, she would shove him away from her, without any hesitation whatsoever.

“You’re disgusting,” she spat, “I wish I’d never got with you, in the first place - I - I don’t know what I ever even saw in you!”

“That’s easy,” he replied, not giving in, “you saw something you wanted in me, and maybe you still want it? If you’d just let me-”

“Regina?” Mrs. George spoke up, lingering by the door of her daughter’s bedroom.

Regina tensed up, wincing as she looked over at her mother, whilst still ensuring that she had a few paces of distance away from Shane, especially now that she felt safer to do so, with June in the room, besides her.

“What? Can’t you see that I’m trying to handle something, here?” She snapped, unintentionally; she just wanted to have done with him, now; she was sick of dealing with his bullshit, every time they spoke - it still struck her how perfect things had seemed, last year, only for them to end like this, between him and her.

“I know that, and I’m sorry, but-..” Mrs. George appeared hesitant, her gaze briefly flicking over to Shane, before she looked back at Regina. “There’s - There’s someone here to see you,” she informed gently, before lowering her voice even more, not that it made much of a difference, “it’s Y/n.”

🜸

Your hands were still shaking, by the time Mrs. George had opened the door, your words stumbling over themselves, at first, as Regina’s mother smiled softly upon noticing that it was you, timidly holding flowers still in your left hand; she was glad Regina had you, especially after her experience with Shane. She then winced, subconsciously, remembering Shane was here, with Regina, and you tried not to appear disheartened, taking the look on her face the wrong way, but you tried to hide it, regardless of how much your heart squeezed.

“I - I’m here, for - for Regina,” you stated, your voice close to a whisper, and sounding a little exasperated; you’d never done anything like this, before, and it was terrifying, to think that - if you somehow did, or said something wrong - you might lose her, somehow, “I, e-erm-.. I..”

“She’s here, but-..” Mrs. George sighed, hating that she had to do this to you, especially when you’d been so good to her daughter recently. “I’m afraid, sweetie, that - that this might not be-.. a good time; she, erm-.. she’s-”

Your blood ran cold, your eyes widening as you anxiously awaited for her to continue, your heart pounding even more overwhelmingly than it had been, before, but you couldn’t stop yourself, as the next questions rolled off your tongue.

“Where is she? W-What’s going on? Is she okay?” You asked, maybe too hastily, your voice shaking, and June would frown, feeling a little guilty; she’d not intended to scare you the way she could tell she had, and she couldn’t help, but let her heart melt in response to your reaction.

“She’s fine,” Mrs. George hastily reassured you, her voice gentle, and eyes warm as she lifted her hands up to your shoulders, trying her best to provide comfort to you before you could panic anymore than you already were, “she’s okay, I promise; don’t worry, I just-.. it’s an awkward time, right now-.. I’m sorry, honey, but-.. she’s with Shane, at the moment, and she might not want to be interrupted, but I can always go and try to get her to come down here, for you?”

🜸

“She’s what?” Regina replied, and Mrs. George would wince, noticing that she’d startled her daughter as Regina warily looked toward Shane, who scowled as he looked between her, and her mother for a moment, before he continued, sounding more hateful than he ever had before.

“What, so you’re inviting her over without telling me, now?” He assumed, and Regina couldn’t help, but grunt, grimacing in his direction again as he silently fumed, wishing he could go down there, now, and show you what he thought of you, if only it weren’t something that would land him in prison, if he didn’t escape in time.

“First of all, I didn’t invite her,” she began, though she felt bad for saying it, her heart aching a little; she didn’t want to make it sound like you weren’t welcome, when you were anything, but, “second of all, even if I did, why would I have to tell you about it? You’re here because I’m breaking up with you, Shane, not because I want to continue anything with you!”

“I hate you, you know that?” Shane spat, before he stormed toward the door, and brushed past her mother, but Regina didn’t hesitate to rush after him, worried about what he might do to you if he passed you by - well, she would have been as worried as she was, until she noticed that you were gone from where you were standing, before.

🜸

Pain was all you felt, as you dragged yourself along the street, walking back toward your motorcycle. You’d made sure to leave the bouquet behind; you still wanted her to have it, regardless of her still being with Shane; you couldn’t bear to stick around, being reminded of their relationship. You tried not to blame her for any of it; you couldn’t, all you could do, was curse yourself for even thinking that maybe you and Regina would become anything more than what you already were.

🜸

“M-Mom? What are you talking about? She isn’t here, she’s-”

Regina faltered, noticing the bouquet on the ground, a pained expression on her face as Shane walked up to the doorway behind her, appearing smugger than he should.

“She left you,” he remarked, but Regina ignored him, shaking her head subconsciously as she crouched down to pick up the bouquet, her eyes darkening, “she doesn’t care about you-”

“Get out, Shane,” Mrs. George instructed, sick of his antics, by now, especially after all he and Regina had been through, and said to each other recently; she thought back to how nervous you seemed, holding the flowers as she opened the door, her heart sinking again - she could tell you cared about her, more than she’d ever presumed Shane to do so, even after how things had seemed between them last year, “you don’t need to be here, right now!”

“Fine,” he retorted, “because I don’t want to be here! We’re done, Regina.”

She wasn’t perturbed, at all, only worried about you, right now - where you would have gone, specifically; she was getting a bad feeling, and it scared her to think that maybe she’d never see you again, after today, her right hand shaking as she lifted the bouquet up off of the ground, her heart pounding all over again, the way it was, the day before, except this time with more dread than anticipation, her remembering how close your lips were to her’s, before today - if only that could be the case, right now; if only you’d not run away, believing she didn’t want you anymore.

🜸

You’d trusted many people in your lifetime; you thought maybe there were still some good ones, besides Cal - your Uncle - and Regina, but sometimes you still feared that maybe there’d never be a true place for you, with them. You remembered times from the dark rooms, and your broken bones, that there was a man you’d briefly considered to be more of a father figure, than your biological father was; he had often been the one to bring you your food; your water, no matter how disgusting it turned out being. He brought you a scratchy blanket, whenever you were cold, and you felt a little safer around him, until one night he’d had a fight with your kidnapper, before he came into your room, red-faced, and drunk, exactly like your father usually was, even more so after the divorce.

You swerved out of the way of an approaching car, wincing, but you didn’t let it phase you too much that it had almost hit you, small tears leaking from the corners of your eyes. In fact, you sped the motorbike up a tad, remembering how you cried when the man you thought you could trust within the kidnapper’s basement abused you; he did things to you, until your throat was raw, and burning from your screams - it was a little while, before the police had got to you.

You remembered Cal saying that you’d been brought back a shell of yourself, hardly ever smiling anymore; hardly ever talking, unless your voice was necessary, though you hated to hear it, now, before you’d met Regina. You remembered the phone call he had, between him and one of the officers involved in your case; how he’d told them - his voice shaking, but firm - that they better find the man, and kill him for what he’d done to you; for having you return to him, as if you’d already had everything carved out within you; you were better off, dying - it was like you’d only just come back to life, he said, but were now merely a zombie; you didn’t stick around for the call, and that’s why you didn’t intend to stick around anymore, now - not for much longer, anyway.

🜸

“But why would she-..?” Regina murmured, a pained expression on her face as she stared dejectedly down at the bouquet, wishing you’d stayed a little while longer, but her mother didn’t want to let things go like that, as she lifted her left hand up to her daughter’s right shoulder, a flicker of determination behind her loving gaze.

“I don’t know - she was right here, a couple of minutes ago,” June mused, whilst Regina subconsciously scowled at the thought of Shane again; how he’d driven you away, like her mother had informed her that he must have, considering she’d only told you that he and her were upstairs together, at the time, “but - judging by the looks of things - we shouldn’t stay to find out.”

Her mother’s decision took her aback as her heart skipped a beat, and she warily glanced up at June, her hands trying not to shake anymore than they were, currently, only to fail at the thought of you in danger, somehow, after what had just happened a brief moment ago, now.

“What?” Regina replied, shocked, whilst June grabbed her bag, coat, and car keys, sensing that she’d need them, tonight, like she had done the day you’d had a nightmare, and needed her daughter with you to stabilise you, somehow - it almost felt like a repeat of it, somehow, except this time neither of them knew where they were going to end up going, considering you’d taken off without letting either of them know regarding where your whereabouts might end up being, tonight.

“Just get in the car, Regina,” her mother instructed confidently; firmly, as she stepped out into the cold, “Olman’s already taken you away from me once, before - he will not do it again, do you understand me?”

“But-”

“Do you want to get Y/n back, or what?” She continued, desperate to get Regina out, before you could do anything stupid, like she feared you would, but before they could begin their search, June insisted that they check on Cal, first, just in case you really had gone back home, and weren’t anywhere out there when you shouldn’t be, but she guessed maybe it would have been better that she drop her daughter off at your Uncle’s first, considering it didn’t take you long to begin losing yourself, again, shortly after they’d arrived at his riding centre, in the first place.

🜸

You parked your motorcycle a little off road, your heart still pounding regardless of how much it felt as if it were currently being squeezed, right now. You dragged yourself along the sidewalk, not too far away from Northshore High, but still not very populated - you guessed that it being late helped that, as well; there weren’t often cars driving down this road at this time of night. You sighed heavily, your breathing pattern a little staggered and shaky; you’d still not been able to recompose yourself, your blood boiling, and entire body aching as if it were forgetting how to function completely, just because of Mrs. George’s revelation regarding Shane being there, with Regina.

You knew you probably shouldn’t be angry; dejected and a little jealous, sure, but angry? Your heart sank; you guessed you’d just been hoping that they would have been broken up, by now; she’d promised you she’d do it, as soon as she could, the day before, and you’d seen them talking during the school day, earlier. You didn’t dare break out the question, as soon as she arrived to work on your Uncle’s ranch again, simply smiling over at her as she passed by, and she couldn’t help, but smile timidly back at you, her eyes glinting a little as soon as they’d locked with your own.

You thought that smile had confirmed what you were hoping; it confirmed so many things to you - the main things being that you were definitely at risk of a lack of oxygen, whenever you were around her, as well as that you were definitely gayer than you thought you were, before, but the smile also made you feel like you were finally safe; finally happy, and free, as long as she were there beside you. You were elated, as soon as you felt her beside you, your heart pounding as you forgot how to breathe, her hair brushing against your left shoulder.

Just that memory, was enough to take you back to that moment, entirely, you envisioning the stable within your mind, as the wind picked up a little around you, a stray car passing by, but nothing stopped you, your vision clouding a little as you were brought back to a few hours ago, forgetting how to breathe yet again - if only you could live within moments like those; you knew you’d give anything to try.

•

You were mucking up the stalls again, by the time she’d got to you, lingering by the door anxiously for a moment, only for her expression to soften as soon as she saw you, her heart skipping a beat; she couldn’t believe how beautiful you were, everywhere she saw you. She didn’t realise she’d stopped breathing, until she heard Firenze snorting to her right; he was still in his stall, you in the one opposite him. She smiled softly, making to go over to him and Felicity, before she slowly walked up to you, once she’d greeted both of them with a gentle stroke, and ear scratch; they were steadily getting used to her being around, and she loved it - she loved everything about being here; loved everything about you.

Her heart staggered again, her breath catching in her throat at the thought, but she tried to recompose herself, before she continued forward, and was finally stood beside you, her hair tickling your left shoulder blissfully as your own heart skipped a beat, your own lungs forgetting how to breathe, alongside her’s, until you realised you should respond, if you didn’t want her to think of you as being strange, at all.

“Hey,” she began, a little exasperatedly, her voice close to a whisper, and you would falter, your heart beginning to pound as you tried not to shudder, your skin feeling a little tingly in response to her voice.

“H-Hi,” you managed, timidly, in response, and she couldn’t help, but beam over at you, her eyes glinting even more as you both stood there together, for a moment, until she held her hand in your’s, and you felt safer than you ever had, before.

“I missed-” You both began accidentally, not realising you were speaking over each other, until you fell quiet, and locked gazes blissfully, the realisation only setting in shortly before you’d begun to giggle breathlessly alongside one another, evidently amused, as well as a little flustered, by what had just happened between you both.

“So you did miss me, huh?” Regina guessed, and you would wince, tensing up a little, evidently embarrassed; it wasn’t really something you were used to saying, yet, though it did feel right on your tongue, whenever it was directed at her.

“O-Of course I did,” you answered, a little quieter than before, whilst you avoided her gaze, with more than much difficulty, “why - why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know,” she corroborated, evidently teasing, now, as she leaned closer to you, her right shoulder bumping your left one, “why wouldn’t you?”

You grew redder; stammering a bit more as you tried to find the right words, but your heart pounding in your ears didn’t help, at all.

“I-.. I don’t know, why - er-” You managed, appearing puzzled as well as frustrated as she’d evidently caught your tongue, prompting you to wince again as you silently cursed yourself for being so weak around her, but she couldn’t help, but find you adorable; she loved to make you speechless, the way she could tell she just had, just by teasing you the way she did, a brief moment ago.

“You’re adorable,” she remarked, before she leaned over to delicately connect her lips to your’s, and you couldn’t help, but melt into her touch, smiling softly against her lips as more blood rushed to your cheeks, and you felt like the luckiest girl in the world, even after all that had been done to you, years ago.

“You’re more adorable,” you mustered up, deciding it was your turn to be able to tease her, now that she’d done her own teasing, “I - you-.. did you miss me?”

She appeared taken aback by your question, her own heart skipping a beat, or two, as she affectionately connected her forehead to your own, her arms still around your waist, after you’d leaned the shovel against the wall to your right, deciding mucking up could wait, for a moment, or two, just because you’d not been able to talk to her all day, before now. A vision of you seeing Regina and Shane talking earlier invaded your mind, and your heart sank, your eyes darkening as you looked over at her, your eyes meeting her own again, but you tried to hide that it was paining you, not knowing yet if they’d broken up already, or were still together, despite your and her recent changes in relationship, lately.

“Duh, of course I did,” she answered, without hesitation, her eyes never leaving your own, “what kind of question even is that?”

“The same one you asked me, not too long ago, now,” you replied, and she would wince, remembering; the kiss had briefly disorientated her, until now, as she smiled sheepishly in your direction, her cheeks a little redder than they were, before.

“Right,” she mused, her voice ever so light, “I did, didn’t I?” You smirked over at her, evidently amused by her reaction as you held her even closer to you, hating any amount of distance between you both, right now. You hummed in response to what she already knew, a mischievous glint in your eyes as you did; you loved to see her flustered, that much was clear to her, right now - well, that and the fact that she was already missing your lips, against her own, but that was another story, right now. “And you really thought I forgot about that?” She teased, as if it weren’t true, and you couldn’t help, but simply allow your smile to grow, regardless of how warm your face felt, right now, just as a result of her teasing you the way that she was.

“Yes, ma’am,” you answered, simply, and she couldn’t explain how that made something switch within her, as she raised her eyebrows over at you, grinning again, before she leaned forward to kiss you once more - a little more of a passionate kiss, than the last one was; she couldn’t explain why in much detail, only that she’d liked you referring to her as ‘ma’am’ the way that she did, and your lips had been beckoning her own ever since the last had taken place. Let’s just say you both stayed in there for a little while, finishing up the mucking up of the stalls together, without anyone around to disturb you both, except the horses - you didn’t just spend the rest of that time making out again, but even if you did, who needed to know? You just wished it could’ve stayed the way that it was, before you’d heard about her and Shane being in her mother’s house together, regardless of what she’d promised to do for you, as soon as she possibly could.

🜸•🜸

This time, Cal was waiting on the porch. This time, the sound of gravel crackling under the tires didn’t soothe her. As soon as June pulled her car to a stop before the house, Regina hastily got out, her heart still pounding as she raced toward Cal, small tears streaming down her cheeks as the wind hit against her, but nothing could stop her as she rushed up the porch, and couldn’t stop herself as she threw her arms around him, crying quietly as she did. It didn’t make things any better, not seeing your motorcycle anywhere you tended to leave it, out here.

Cal would appear taken aback by Regina’s action, but his expression softened instantly when he heard her sniffling, prompting him to frown as he returned the hug, June walking hastily toward the porch with a worried expression on her face. That was when reality struck him; his eyes widened, and June nodded gravely, an apologetic look on her face - that night would be longer than they knew they could bear.

🜸

The cold was getting to you, at least a little bit. You bit against it, your mouth a thin line, but you didn’t hug yourself; you didn’t care to. You didn’t look back toward your motorcycle; you didn’t really care anymore - you just thought about Regina, and how you hoped she’d be happy, if you finally disappeared. You sighed heavily; a little dejectedly, like a light within you being extinguished; nothing felt the same anymore, and you knew that was probably stupid; that you shouldn’t be surprised about what had been happening recently, but it still hurt no matter what you thought about it; any of it - Regina and Shane; Regina and you.

In the end, you didn’t know why you cared; you’d been through worse, but - to be honest - the part of it that scared you was the one that told you you would rather be stuck in your kidnappers basement, than be here again, feeling as if you were just some play-thing. Maybe, it would have felt better - not that Regina would ever hurt you like that - if she’d just used you the way your kidnapper and his goons had; maybe your attachment to her then wouldn’t be hurting you so much, but you guessed it didn’t matter much anymore, anyway. What goes around, comes around, right? At least, that was all you could think, as you looked toward the bridge stood a few paces ahead of you.

🜸

“She’s gone,” Regina managed, her voice briefly trembling as Cal held her at arm’s length, a pained as well as terrified look on his face; he’d encountered you disappearing like this, before, and the last times it had happened - it wasn’t good.

He shivered, remembering how the police had often contacted him, saying they’d either found you in a makeshift puddle of your own blood, or fully submerged in water; they’d also found you one time, crying as they dragged you out of a store you’d attempted to rob, full of guns, and other weapons - you’d tried to openly steal one of the guns, and - upon noticing you’d been spotted - you tried to lift the gun to your head, only to be tackled to the ground, and have the shot be fired into the floor to your right. You’d tried many times to disappear, that much he knew.

He sighed heavily, as well as a little shakily, his breath showing in the cold air as June lifted her left hand to Regina’s back, a pained expression on her own face as she’d been hoping that maybe you’d be here, though she did get a bad feeling that you wouldn’t be, like you weren’t, now - invisible to the world, somewhere they feared you wouldn’t be found, until the phone ringed inside, and Cal didn’t hesitate to rush in, and answer the call.

🜸

It didn’t take you much, to be stood upon one of the railings of the bridge, looking down at the rushing water below; it didn’t scare you - not really. In fact, you thought it peaceful, your eyes darkening as you stared down at it, trying not to think of Regina; of Cal, and the horses, but you’d never stop believing that they didn’t need you; would never stop believing that you were pathetic - a presence to only burden them. You’d never be good enough, so why wait any longer?

You released the railing to your left, closed your eyes, and for once, all you could think about was falling, in another way.

🜸

Regina, and her mother anxiously awaited in the hallway as Cal spoke hastily on the phone, sounding as dejected and terrified as he looked, asking the person on the other side if they’d seen you, recently, earlier today, only for his eyes to darken, and expression to crumble as he replied with a dejected ‘thank you’, before setting the phone back down upon its stand. He prided himself on being a lover of old technology; he’d always had that phone, ever since he’d moved here, shortly before you’d been taken by your kidnapper, those years ago - you remembered how exited he’d got, seeing the place had a phone like that; you didn’t understand it at the time, but still it made you happy, to see that he was happy, being the only member of your family you felt you could trust whole-heartedly, the way you did him, even after you’d been taken the way you had, and abused as well as beaten almost to a pulp; to death - it was painful, thinking about how different things could have been.

Cal slowly turned toward them, and Regina faltered, a sense of dread taking over her as she shook her head hastily, and tried not to break down completely, no matter how hard it was to stay strong for you, as well as him, and herself, right now.

“It wasn’t Y/n, was it?” She guessed, before he could even open his mouth to say anything. Her voice cracked, but she didn’t give in. “Tell me it wasn’t her, please,” she begged, firmly; shakily, her blood boiling, and heart stuttering at the possibility of her never being able to see you, again, “please, Cal, just - just say something, anything, or - or I’ll-”

“It wasn’t her,” he confirmed slowly; half-heartedly, in a strained manner, “I’m sorry-”

“We have to go out, and look for her,” Regina stated, determined to bring you back, somehow, “we have to; we can’t just-”

“There’s nothing that can be done,” Cal contradicted gently, though it pained him as much to say it, wishing he could do more, “she’s unpredictable - if anything does happen, the police will tell me.” Before he added under his breath: ‘they always do’. He then gesticulated to the door of the living room, trying not to let his hands shake. “Please, come in; it’s gonna be a long night,” he requested, a silent urgency in his voice, “I-.. fear what I’ll do, if I’m to be alone, but-..”

June shook her head, before reassuringly lifting her right hand up to his left shoulder.

“You won’t be alone,” she promised, “because we’re here, and we always will be - for as long as you need us to be, won’t we, Regina?”

Regina hesitated, trying not to look toward the door, no matter how much she wished she could go out, and look for you, desperate to find you, and make sure that you’re okay, especially after you’d heard about her and Shane not breaking up yet, until now.

“Sure, I - I guess,” she answered, and Cal would express relied, glad to hear he wouldn’t be alone, whilst you were gone, before he smiled softly over at them both, and opened the door before him, the room too quiet, even as he led them into it - nothing would ever be the same, if you weren’t found, and fast; he just hoped it wasn’t too late, or it really would feel like the end of everything was near.

🜸

Regina was anxious; water flooded over you. It made your throat feel raw, as you struggled to breathe, the panic settling in. You didn’t know why you’d thought of her, as the water began to consume you; didn’t know why you wondered if she’d liked the roses, your heart sinking, and eyes darkening as your muscles slowly began to give in, even before the water had begun to tire you - there wasn’t much point to go on fighting, if you wouldn’t ever see her again.

You heard panicked voices; the squeaking of car’s braking as sunk slowly, staring dejectedly up at the surface until it stung your eyes enough to get you to close them tightly, but it didn’t make a difference - nothing ever would, until you were pulled up out of the water, and forced to start breathing again.

🜸

Regina couldn’t sit still - for the whole of the time it took, for the police to get in contact - she couldn’t calm herself down. She fidgeted with her hands, staring down at her lap, her right leg bouncing a little - that had never happened to her, before. She only occasionally glanced up at her mom, or at Cal, June trying to soothe her every once in a while by resting her hand gently upon her daughter’s knee; she hated seeing her like this, and wished she could do more for her, somehow, but neither she or Cal knew what to do with themselves.

They felt hopeless, knowing you were out there, somewhere, probably in an untrustworthy state of mind, after what you’d heard from June regarding Shane and her daughter, but no matter what they tried to say to each other; what they tried to think of to lighten the mood a little, the darkness was closing in, faster than they originally expected it to.

🜸

The light was unforgiving, as you were pulled out of the water, spluttering uncontrollably whilst you tried not to cry; the pain in your throat and chest was unbearable, and your muscles were weaker than you’d ever felt them. You squinted your eyes up at the sky - the starts were beautiful, tonight. You couldn’t help, but think about Regina again, wondering what it would be like, to lay beneath them, your arms around one another; fingers interlinked - nothing had ever looked so beautiful, before, as such a sight.

Your heart sank; you still feared maybe Regina would never want to do anything like that with you; she probably would rather not even see you, anymore, after today. That only made the feeling worse, as you scowled up at the sky, cursing the person who’d saved you, the way they did. You then remembered the police sirens; there were some steady approaching. You imagined a couple or so police cars, as well as an ambulance. It was exactly like the other time you’d tried to do this to yourself. Maybe even worse - this time, you were conscious, as you felt yourself failing yet again to take your life, the pain unbearably taunting, but it hadn’t extinguished the fire in your chest, yet; if you were going to end everything, it was going to be tonight, whether they liked it, or not.

🜸

“If she isn’t back in half an hour, I will be calling the police,” Cal stated - it was the first time he’d spoken, in a little while, now.

“I think that would be for the best,” June corroborated, her voice ever so gentle. Regina sank between them, feeling more helpless than she ever had before. She couldn’t believe she was just sitting there, her heart pounding, and face crumpling occasionally as she tried not to break down anymore than she already had, since they’d arrived here.

You were still at large, and she was terrified of what might happen to you; to her, after today - if she lost you, somehow, like she feared she would, soon, she didn’t know what she’d do to herself; didn’t know how she’d handle things, anymore, without you beside her; without being able to see you again, after school; after kisses; after every embrace you and her had ever shared. It was more painful than anything had ever felt, before, and she couldn’t take it, silently begging for you to come back, just so she could see that you were okay; just so she could tell you everything about how she felt about you, and could never want anything else, but to be with you, and you only.

She didn’t think anything of it, when the TV came to life.

🜸

You let yourself recompose, first, gathering at least some strength whilst someone spoke hastily on the phone a little further away from you, another person with a microphone, not too far away from them. You grimaced - how did they all get here, so fast? Though, you didn’t seem to have much concept of time, right now. You couldn’t remember how long you’d been unconscious when you were; it wasn’t for very long, that was all you could tell - you sighed barely audibly, still staring up at the sky whilst small white lights seemed to dance in your eye-line. The black spots were trying to deter them, but they wouldn’t go. You winced, a sharp pain shooting through your right side, as soon as you tried to move - this would be harder, than you thought it would be.

🜸

The remote shook in Cal’s right hand; he didn’t dare look over at his guests. Regina kept her eyes glued down to her hands, whilst June warily looked on at the TV screen, fidgeting with her own fingers as the usual news reporter read out all the recent headlines. If it weren’t for the next one being interrupted by the announcement of new breaking news, maybe they wouldn’t have found you, again.

🜸

“Don’t move,” one of the paramedics advised gently, whilst the police warded off any civilians crowding around the area, to give you space, you guessed. “You’re okay,” the woman continued, as you tried to scoot away from her, only to wince again, a quiet whimper escaping your lips; the pain was excruciating, and you didn’t notice that you were bleeding, until the paramedic carefully lifted your t-shirt, revealing a long scratch running down to your waist - you must have caught something, after jumping into the water; your skin must have been nicked by a rock at the bottom, or the side - you heard her say, to one of her peers; she was trying to speak quietly, but you knew.

You cursed barely audibly, your voice shaking as you glanced down at the scratch again, watching the blood seeping down slowly, almost covering your entire side as it went. You groaned, before letting your head drop back down onto the ground - concrete, of course; you cursed again.

“You’re going to be okay,” another of them said, as they held their hand carefully over your wound, and you winced, wishing you could slap it away, but you couldn’t feel much of yourself, right now. “We’ve got you-”

“Let go of me,” you uttered, your voice weak, and sounding strained, as if you were using all of your energy to talk to them, just as they began to carefully lift you off of the ground as soon as the stretcher was brought out for you.

“We can’t do that, I’m afraid,” the first paramedic began again, smiling sympathetically down at you as they laid you upon the stretcher, but this wasn’t it. You wouldn’t let them take you away. That’s why you kicked your legs out beneath you, before you got up off of the stretcher after startling the two women who’d been trying to help you, and tried to run as fast as you could toward the bridge again.

🜸

It started with the reporter mentioning something about the bridge nearby, almost on the way to Northshore high, but Regina didn’t lift her head, until June gasped, and Cal dropped the remote.

🜸

You climbed back up onto the railing, your heart racing as you stared back down at the water again, listening to the panicked shouts behind you, but nobody dared get any closer, worried about what you might do, if they tried.

“Miss, stop! Please!” One of them called, you shrugged, grimacing subconsciously in response to their voices.

“Get down!” Another demanded - probably one of the officers stood next to the paramedics, but still you remained perched upon the railing, not daring to move even an inch as you tensed up, your eyes beginning to water a little whilst a lump formed within your throat; the fear was starting to set in, now. You closed your eyes again; you were determined to make today the end of everything.

🜸

“Shit,” Cal spat, as he hastily got up off of his chair, before rushing out to the phone again, Regina hot on his heels whilst her mother followed behind her, shocked; she couldn’t believe what she’d seen on the screen - you in the background, stood on the railing of the bridge, whilst the reporter talked about the situation to the woman who had been speaking, earlier, giving the other pieces of news, before your situation had come up. “I-.. I need to call them; the - the police; I need to speak to her-”

“What if they don’t let you?” Regina questioned, terrified, her voice briefly trembling. “What if they don’t-”

“They will,” Cal interjected, determined to talk to you, “I will make them, if they don’t - I will drive right down there, and push through them if I have to - I’m not letting her jump; I - I can’t, I-”

“It’s okay,” June cooed, trying to soothe him as she rested her left hand upon his right shoulder; his hands shook, as he reached for the phone. This was going to be too hard to stay strong through, no matter how much he knew he should try and be as strong as he possibly could, for you, right now.

🜸

It started with the police talking in quiet, worried, and hushed voices. You didn’t dare look back at them, still, staring down at the water with slightly widened eyes; your legs shaking a little beneath you - you didn’t know why you couldn’t get yourself to jump, but you were terrified. Again, you thought about Regina, about Cal, and the horses. About all you could lose, even if you weren’t sure whether they still wanted you, after everything.

“We’re trying,” you heard one of them say behind you, their voices a little more raised than they were, before, “doing everything we can, Mr. L/n, but-”

You tensed up at the mention of your Uncle, your breath hitching in your throat as you subconsciously shook your head, before looking around behind you, until your gaze fell upon the woman holding a microphone, a few paces away from you, now, a camera filming every word she spoke, and every expression that appeared on her face. You didn’t know what to think; how to feel, you just stared ahead of you, a heavy lump in your throat as small tears began to cloud your vision all over again - you just wished they would give up on you; just wished they’d stop caring; even you knew you weren’t worth the hassle. You wished you could just throw yourself in, if only your muscles weren’t stopping you from doing so.

🜸

“You’re not trying hard enough!” Cal retorted, like a hiss, and the officer would scowl in response to his accusation.

“There’s not much that we can do, sir, please try and remember that - if you were in our situation-”

“Give me the phone,” Regina interjected, her voice firm; she was determined to get through to you, somehow.

Cal would appear taken aback, evidently shocked by her interjection as he looked back at her, a pained expression on his face again.

“But-”

“Please,” she begged, her voice briefly trembling as he appeared conflicted, not sure what to do with himself.

“I-”

“This might be good for her, Cal; to speak to Regina,” June corroborated gently, “if only for a minute, or two? Who knows? She might actually listen to her, and come back home?”

“She’s not going anywhere, after this,” Cal stated, before warily looking back toward Regina, and nodding determinedly, relieving her as she allowed a barely audible sigh to escape her lips, a small tear leaking down her right cheek; she only hoped she could do what she could, for you, no matter what it meant for your and her relationship, after today - she couldn’t let you go on any longer not knowing that it was you; that it had always been you, she just wished she could have told you that, before you’d turned up at her door, and heard from her mother that she and Shane were still together, before this moment in time.

🜸

You imagined dropping back into the water, your eyelids fluttering shut. The wind blew through your locks, and for a moment it felt like water, as you imagined yourself being submerged within it - how it had felt, before, until the person who’d saved you had pulled you out, though you’d not wanted to be saved, at all. You sighed dejectedly, your breath barely audible, and showing in the cold air. You watched it drift away from you, before it disappeared completely - maybe this night would have been nice, if not for what had brought you out here, in the first place.

“Miss L/n!” One of the officers called, and you tensed up again, your heart skipping a beat as your eyelids fluttered open again. “We have someone on the line who says they want to talk to you!” He continued, and you winced, before scoffing, shaking your head, and bowing it again.

“If it’s Cal, tell - tell him that - that I’m not stopping,” you spat, your voice weak, and shaky, as you yourself tried not to break down, alongside your waiting companions back at Cal’s ranch, “in fact, you can tell him to fuck off, for all I care! I can make my own decisions, now - I’m not a baby, anymore; I never was one.”

“That’s all very well, Y/n,” another of the officers spoke - a female voice you recognised; you’d had many dealings with her, like this one, but each time you seemed to forget her name, wincing as well as trying not to laugh at the irony of it all - so many times, you’d been saved by her as well as other officers, and paramedics, when all you could think of, was how you wished your kidnapper and his goons had killed you, whenever they got the chance, all those years ago. “But it isn’t Cal,” she revealed, and you would falter, evidently taken aback as you looked back at her, evidently shocked, as well as a little confused, your eyes full of a silent dread you couldn’t conceal, only to be heightened as soon as she continued with the words: “it’s a girl claiming to be a friend of your’s - do you know a Miss Regina George, by any chance?”

🜚

Your heart stuttered, before you crumpled before them, your eyes wide, and wet, a pained expression crossing your face all over again.

“I-.. W-What?” You managed, your voice weaker than the officer had ever heard it, before, prompting her expression to soften as she tilted her head partially, before making to come closer to you, only for you to hastily shake your head, and turn back toward the water, as if readying yourself to jump again.

She faltered in step, shaking her head alongside your own as she stopped in place, worried you might convince yourself to do something stupid, if she got any closer to you than she was, now.

“Okay,” she cooed gently, “it’s okay - I won’t come any closer; here-.. I’ll slide the phone over to you, and you can pick it up, if you want to - go ahead.”

She then crouched down low, before sliding her phone over to where you were, it stopping a few paces away from you as you stared dejectedly down at the water below you, wondering what Regina might be thinking of you, right now - how dejected, and disappointed she might be, but at the same time you doubted she’d be upset, if you disappeared, today. You drew in a shaky breath, before nodding gravely, and carefully getting down off of the railing, your heart aching more than it ever had before, no matter how much it elated you to think about hearing her voice again, the way you thought you would, soon, as long as you went ahead with answering the call.

You lingered by the phone, for a moment, warily looking up at her; the officer stood a few paces away from you, enduring yet another attempt to save your life, despite all the other times she’d done so, before. She nodded reassuringly, smiling softly as you narrowed your eyes in her direction, evidently skeptical of what she’d do, if you took the phone up, and looked away from her for at least a second, or two.

“If you even try to stop me from-”

“We won’t,” she interjected gently, before you could even finish your sentence, “not physically, anyway; that doesn’t help anyone.”

“Okay,” you replied slowly, still sounding a little unsure as you leaned down to pick up the phone, subconsciously wincing, and even flinching a little as you looked back up at them, only to discover they were all still where they were, before. You expressed relief, before backing a little further away from them, and then bowing your head, your heart feeling as if it were being squeezed as you turned away to glance back down at the water.

It took you more than a little strength, to bring yourself to lift the phone up to your ear.

🜸

“Hello?” Your voice prompted her heart to skip a beat, and her to forget how to breathe for a moment; she couldn’t explain it, but it was look a warm rush of relief ran through her - she liked to hear you were still there, with her; still existing, beside her, even if you weren’t anywhere near her, right now.

“Hey,” she managed, her voice cracking a little as she tried to hold herself together for you, no matter how hard it was for her to do so, especially now that she knew what you could do, if she and the others weren’t careful with you.

Cal warily watched her for a moment, until he expressed relief upon hearing her respond to you, reassuring him that you were still there; still alive, and breathing, despite your previous threats to jump, if ever the officers and paramedics got any closer to you than they were, now.

“I-..” You fell quiet, a pained expression on your face as you tried to get the words out, only to fail miserably, your throat closing up as you tried to swallow the lump within it.

“I’m sorry,” Regina managed, and you would falter again, a hurt look on your face as you hastily shook your head; you didn’t want her to feel as if she had to apologise, when you believed yourself to be the only problem, here. “Y/n, I-”

“They say heartbreak really fucks with you,” you mused, your voice briefly trembling, and she would falter, her heart sinking as she nodded slowly, her eyes darkening; she couldn’t stand hearing how she’d hurt you, the way she knew she had. “I-”

“The stars are pretty tonight, aren’t they?” Regina interjected gently, and you would appear taken aback, subconsciously looking up at them - they were always pretty, when you had someone like her to share them with.

Your heart skipped a beat, and she smiled softly, hearing you say ‘they are’ a little lighter, as if she were reigniting something within you, just by being there with you, the way that she was.

“They really are,” you added slowly; thoughtfully - heavily; so heavily that it hurt her more than anything else ever had, before, “I just-… I guess I just wish-”

“Stop,” she whispered shakily, and you would fall quiet again, swallowing thickly as another small tear leaked slowly down your right cheek, “I-.. I can’t-”

“But it’s true,” you stated, your heart sounding as if it were breaking several times over almost as much as your voice was, alongside her own, “I never-.. Regina, I-”

“You can’t,” she spat, her voice strained, “you just can’t, okay? I need you, I fucking love you, Y/n, okay!? I love you!”

Cal frowned, hearing it was hurting the both of you, to be talking like this; to be away from each other, when all you needed was to be together, like he’d always hoped you would be. You didn’t know what to say for a moment, your heart throbbing; jumping, as you thought, and clung to each of her words, imagining all you’d ever dreamt about - everything you’d ever wanted, living a life with her. You drew in another shaky, and slow breath, your blood pulsing in your ears as you tried to find the right words, to say; tried to hold yourself together, though every minute felt like an extra hour pulling your insides apart.

You focused on the water; the light glimmering upon its surface as you smiled softly down at the sight, but your smile didn’t last long - how could it, when she weren’t beside you? When you couldn’t stop thinking about everything bad; how you could never be good enough, for her, no matter how much you longed to be more, for her, and her only. Your eyes darkened, and you felt lost, again; it took a lot, not to let yourself drop then and there, if she weren’t on the other side of the phone line.

“I-.. I’m sorry, Reg, but-.. there’s nothing left for me, anymore; nothing left of me - I can’t let you live out your life wanting to spend it on something that’s been broken, rather than refurbished,” you uttered, and before she could even respond, you hung up the phone, and let yourself fall forward - you knew it probably wouldn’t work, but there was nothing left to do, but keep trying - right?

~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed it, and are looking forward to the next one! ❤️

[ryverbind]

Faceless Fixation (Sal Fisher): Cry For Me [24]

TW: SMUTTTTTTT 

------

"Then come here."

He didn't have to tell me. Not even once. 

I move my feet, quickly walking over to him. Sal watches me with those pretty, nearly translucent blue eyes and gently grabs my wrist once I make it to him. He yanks me into his room, my pursuit stopping when my chest slams into his.

His tattooed fingers squeeze my wrist a bit as he shuts his door behind us. My body reacts almost immediately, goosebumps forming along my skin.

For a moment, just a moment, Sal simply stands with my body pressed to his. Doesn't do anything else, doesn't move-- like he's contemplating.

I already know what he's contemplating, doesn't even take a full second for it to click in my head. It's about the prosthetic.

I breathe in shakily, gazing into the eyeholes of his mask that show me so little of him. "If you're uncomfortable," I whisper, "You can keep it on."

He takes a big, stuttering breath that I feel through my own chest. I can't tell if I should be flattered for nearly making him choke or if I should be nervous about being so upfront.

But then he releases my wrist, using the same skeleton-tatted hand to grab the chin of his prosthetic and lift it over his face. The action rustles up his hair to the point that he reaches back and pulls out the pony tail that had held up his hair for the day. And when he looks at me again, brandishing his handsomely marred face like my words gave him the little bit of confidence he needed to bare himself to me, I fear I may fall apart.

Big doe eyes, long lashes. Furrowed brows to accentuate the little bit of clear apprehension he still feels. Parted lips to show off the tips of his sharp canines that left bruises on my skin that haven't yet faded-- teeth that'll no doubt leave more bruises by the time we're finished. His would-be straight bridged nose that's missing certain parts and still littered with scars and freckles alike. The sunken in left side of his face and the long scar stretching up his cheek. The assortment of discolored skin and glistening scars all over him. 

I truly can't get enough of his unique beauty. 

He may be a total ass, but something about him-- something about the way he acted like a normal person today-- makes me want to kiss all the traumas on his body and let him know that it'll be okay. The same way he did for me today.

I don't. I refrain, if only for his peace of mind because intimacy as gentle as that would no doubt confuse both of us and probably put an end to our situation too. I have to fuck him at least once before something happens and we end up hating each other again.

Sal's vulnerable expression drops into one of mild aggravation; pinched lips and a lazy, uninterested gaze. He's tired of his least favorite part of himself being ogled I guess. 

I mirror his expression even if he can't fully see it with the mask, but stick my tongue in my cheek for added effect. His cobalt irises narrow in response and he smacks his lips to combat my attitude, which is his fault by the way.

"Aren't I lucky that we made a deal and you can't get snappy with me right now," I chirp, knowing that it's going to tick him off just a little more.

"I can disrespect you in more ways than one," he replies in his slightly raspy, smooth voice that feels like ice dripping down my spine. Oh, he's good.

"So do it," I tell him breathlessly, eyes glancing between his.

"I need to know what you want first," he cuts in before anything can begin, raising an eyebrow. He takes a little step backward, laying his prosthetic on top of a set of drawers. "We made an arrangement for tonight and I know it's a delicate one, so I don't want to do anything that'll make you uncomfortable."

Ever the gentleman. 

He did a lot for me today. It was completely out of character, but when I think about it, his actions could be his way of thanking me for not fearing him or treating him differently because of his face and disability. If I was suddenly revealed, like he was, I would appreciate not having it made into a big deal. Maybe he appreciates that too, and this is how he's showing it.

"I don't want you to be uncomfortable either," I note rather awkwardly. It's weird to have to... care. 

I watch Sal grimace like he feels weird about this new dynamic we have going on too. "Shut up, y/n," he hisses out. "I'm..." He takes an audible breath, sorting through his words. "To bury myself in you is enough, don't worry." He says it with some truthful clarity, so I only purse my lips and nod to myself. Makes sense.

He fills in the minute empty space between us again and his hands lightly run up my sides, feeling what little of me that he can with our clothing separating us. "What do you want?" He asks, voice low and quiet while his eyes meet mine again.

Simply feeling the pressure of his hands on me makes my chest feel like it'll cave in, the lack of air in my lungs burning my throat. I can't form thoughts for a second, my mouth working but no sound coming out.

A little smug grin quirks Sal's rough lips at my silence. God, and the dimple on his right cheek has me folding like a fucking lawn chair on the inside. 

I swallow and force myself to take in some air. "I've been degraded enough today," is the first thing I say to him. 

That smile of his is gone in a moment, his lack of expression showing his seriousness. He nods, waiting for me to continue.

"But," I add, looking off to the side. I can't say this to his face. "Fuck me hard enough so that I can't remember that I had enough degradation." I chew on my bottom lip, nearly curse to myself before adding a forced, "Please."

"So polite," Sal coos, the light praise being the sole reason why I can't turn my head to look at him again. "Can you remind me of our safe word?"

Not demanding. Still dominant, but... gentler. 

I run my tongue over the surface of my teeth. "Twitterpated."

His hands leave my sides immediately. "Good," he purrs. "If you're in a position where you can't use your words-- which, at some point, you will be in this position-- tap me twice. I'll understand."

I finally find the willpower to look at him again, finding his hands hovering over me but never touching me and some kind of inebriated glint in his eyes. Like he's excited but won't allow himself to show it.

He doesn't move. Just watches me expectantly. Waiting. 

I release an impatient sigh. "Touch me, Sal."

I'm unable to see his reaction to my words, I only feel it when his hands fly back to my waist and grip me. He hides his face in my neck, those slightly crooked teeth nipping at my skin as he walks us backward.

I gulp, drunk on the feeling of his scarred lips against my throat and his teeth scratching at my skin-- his fingertips digging into my flesh.

I grab onto his shoulders to steel myself, a gasp falling from my lips when his hands find their way under my shirt, his cold palms a stark contrast to the warmth of my sides. Those same hands drag upward, reaching my ribcage and squeezing. 

"Jump," he rasps against my throat, pausing only to wait for me to do as he said.

I follow his command and he uses his grip on my ribs to help with lifting me up, quickly moving one arm under my thighs to catch me.

Sal's lips leave my neck, his head tilting sideways to watch where he's walking. He takes just three steps before throwing me onto his bed.

I suck in a breath, my eyes on him as he pushes his hair back with a hand, looking down at me with a predator's gaze. He tries to hide it, tries to be gentler to honor my wishes, but I can tell it's tough on him.

Makes me a little proud. His struggle is kind of cute.

"Stop smiling," he mumbles emotionlessly, leaning down to grab my hips and pull me toward him. 

I drop the unknown smile from my face. I didn't even realize I was doing it. "Sorry," I tell him, losing a couple braincells when he wraps my legs around his waist, his clothed cock pressing against me. Fuck. "Just amusing watching you try to be something you're not."

His hands, which had begun moving up my thighs and back to my waist, pause as he turns his gaze to me. Completely unimpressed. A muscle twitches in his jaw as he clenches his teeth, desperately trying to hold back a retort. "Just because I'm going easy on you doesn't mean you can act like that."

"There must be some miscommunication," I press, yearning for some bite from him. "I didn't tell you to go easy on me."

He breathes in slowly, eyes glued to me. I feel like a science experiment under scrutiny. So long as it's his scrutiny, I don't really... mind.

Sal looks like he has a lot to say, a lot to do. He looks utterly ravenous. But instead of acting on it like I want him to, he returns his gaze to my body and moves his hands to my jeans. He undoes the button, fingers dipping into the waistband to start moving the fabric down my legs.

"If we get interrupted again," he says in a gravelly tone, a bit of that dominance I'm aching for leaking into his words. "I'll fuck you in front of them."

Butterflies flutter around my tummy. He needs to stop talking or else I'll cum before we can even get to what he's talking about. 

Another reason he needs to stop talking is because he likes to predict shit. 

Oh, and his bedroom door just squeaked on its hinges.

My eyes go wide and my heart drops into my stomach just as Sal tilts his head up to me, his brows furrowed in confusion. 

And then a long, drawn out, pissed off meow echoes through his room. Now it's my turn to be confused.

Sal and I communicate through eye contact alone, his expression slackens and he lets out a relieved breath, blinking at the wall behind me.

"Gizmo," he says, tone gentle and sweet. I swear my eyes are about to pop out of my head as I watch his personality do a complete one-eighty. "Bad timing, buddy."

Sal backs away from me, moving to the side to reveal a chunky orange cat. Gizmo, if what Sal said tells me anything, stands in his doorway with all the might of a small army of men. His tail in the air, curled at the end like a question mark.

"You have a cat?" I ask exasperatedly, unsure of what, exactly, I'm witnessing.

Sal throws me a look that tells me he's not confirming the obvious.

He turns back to the cat and drops to his haunches. Gizmo bounds over to him, pushing his head into Sal's outstretched palm and purring excitedly. "Are you hungry?" Sal asks, voice baby-like in the same way a parent talks to their child. 

What the fuck is going on.

I think back to last night and being briefly woken out of a sleep-stupor to the feeling of purring at my feet. It must have been this little guy.

I watch Sal scratch behind the cat's ears, his other hand running along Gizmo's back. Gizmo chirps his response to Sal's question.

Sal turns his head over his shoulder, face angelic with all his features relaxed rather than harsh like they have been every time I've had a chance to see them. "Give me a second," he tells me, a bit of that tone he uses for Gizmo still evident. I blanch, mentally beating myself with a bat that has the words 'THAT TONE IS NOT FOR ME' etched onto the object. 

I don't say anything, too shocked to form actual words. 

Sal grabs Gizmo, lifting him into his arms and walking out of the room. 

I lean back onto his bed, blinking at the ceiling. I'm glad it was a cat that walked into his room and not an actual person. But regardless, seeing him be so sweet on purpose is odd. It reminds me of the time we ran into fans in Las Vegas. It's just so uncharacteristic of him to be nice... but then again, he was nice to me for nearly the entire day.

A few months ago, niceness coming from him was off-putting. Now, I don't really mind it. It's different, but not unwelcome. It shows me that he can be an actual person, not just an unfeeling asshole. In fact, it proves that he isn't an unfeeling asshole-- that his shitty persona is just a facade. Maybe a safety mechanism?

He feels the need to hide something. His vulnerability? Shield himself from betrayal? That would track if he's so nervous about his face. It's so frustrating that it took seeing his face for me to finally understand him. To make sense of his behavior and reactions and not immediately blame him for all of it. 

I chew on the inside of my cheek, pushing up and resting on my elbows. I glance around his room that's packed up for the most part-- it's just his bed frame, PC, and desk that are still set up. Proves that they've been planning on moving for at least a few weeks now. They probably had already decided to move when we were in Vegas.

There's still a little bit of him here though. An assortment of medication bottles on top of the dresser he laid his prosthetic on, different masks on the wall above it. Probably there for when he wants something other than his every-day prosthetic, even though I've never seen him wear these other ones.

I almost feel inclined to walk around his room and inspect everything like it's a museum exhibit. But I can't-- at the end of the day, as nice as he's been lately, this is still Sal. One wrong move and he'll take it personally. Besides, these are his personal belongings. It would be a shitty move to go and pry into anything that isn't mine to begin with.

Sal walks through the doorway in the middle of my observing, shutting the door behind him but making sure it's completely closed this time.

He walks up to the bed-- up to me and grabs my hips again. There's a hint of a smile on his lips as he watches me with those bright eyes. "Let's try that again-- while he's distracted."

The dash of humor makes a guilty smile form on my face too, and Sal's ghost of a grin widens a bit in response.

That is, up until he yanks me to him. His dick is hard against me and I nearly groan at the feeling. I note the little upward tilt of Sal's head. He's proud, clearly.

"I want to see if you're all talk," Sal purrs, smile morphing into something more sensual, the sight of his teeth making a shiver run up my spine. 

He takes up the task he'd set out to do before he left the room, pulling my jeans off of my body. Then he's gripping at the flesh of my thighs, feeling and enjoying it.

"You told me to be nice, but that you don't want this easy, right?" Sal asks, tongue running over his torn bottom lip as he towers over me. I nod my confirmation, just a few words away from drooling all over this man.

He doesn't ask for any more. He carefully grabs onto my panties, fingertips teasing me with their gentle drag along my hips, and pulls them down my legs. He doesn't discard them the same way he did my jeans though; he bunches them into his fist and looks back to me, tilts his head.

"I have neighbors." That's his excuse before shoving my panties into my own mouth to undoubtedly keep me quiet. My eyes widen and I glare at him, but I don't move them. He seems to bathe in my aggravation and my willingness to cooperate, eyes lighting up at the prospect.

He pushes me farther onto the bed and drops to his knees. Damn. That's a pretty sight.

His grip tightens on my thighs, painted nails deliciously digging into my skin. "Any last words?" He asks with a quirk of his eyebrow. He's dragging this out on purpose-- I'm bare to him, he can see my arousal he's just being a dick. 

Despite it all, my heart is running a marathon and my limbs threaten to quake in exhilaration with each second he looks at me as if he knows he's going to be my undoing.

A muffled, aggravated groan leaves me in response and he only chuckles a bit, dipping his head down and rewarding me with his lips closing around my clit. He doesn't tease me like he did last time, just goes straight to what he intended.

I melt into the mattress, shutting my eyes and drowning in the bliss of his tongue caressing my clit, his teeth occasionally scraping over the bundle of nerves, and just the soft feel of his lips alone. 

His hands are so tight on my skin that it hurts, but it hurts so good-- the combination of pain and his tongue dipping past my folds makes tears well in my eyes. The fact that he's gone down on me twice in two days is heavenly. Who knew I'd get this lucky?

The best moan I can muster up fills the quiet room when he gets more aggressive, his tongue licking up my pussy before he bites into the flesh of my thighs, sucking on my skin and making it sting on purpose-- because he knows I like it.

His thumb rubs along the inside of my leg to soothe the pain when my back arches off the bed, his teeth releasing me a moment later. He licks at the bruised skin before returning to my slit with a singular, panted breath of obvious enjoyment.

His tongue dances between my folds, drawing patterns that I don't have the brainpower to distinguish along my clit. His mouth drives me to madness, only adds to a quick-building orgasm that I can't control because he's just so good with everything-- in words and actions.

He sucks my clit into his mouth one last time before standing up and leaning over me, huffing breaths between those parted, glistening lips. He uses his hands on my legs to wrap them around his waist again, but moves one between my thighs, replacing his mouth with his fingers that he buries into me easily. 

I squeeze my eyes shut despite wanting to watch the expression on his face. I tilt my head back as his fingers slide in and out of me, eliciting a deep pleasure that makes my body react of its own accord.

"You don't want me to tell you about how you're such a good slut for me," Sal says breathlessly, the hand that isn't at my pussy moving to my stomach. He pushes my shirt up until he's able to lean down and press his mouth to my warm skin. I tense beneath him at the contact, the delicate feeling of his lips moving roughly above my navel. "So how about," he pauses, licking up my torso to my ribs. "I pamper you with all the things any normal guy would tell the woman lying beneath him."

I suck in a breath, eyes still shut as he slams his fingers into my pussy, curling them to hit a spot that makes my body jolt. There's so much going on, his hand bringing me to climax and his tongue lapping at the sensitive skin of my ribcage. 

He uses the hand holding up my shirt to maneuver it over my chest, haphazardly lifting it past my neck and over my head. My hair is a mess as he chucks it somewhere into his room-- but I don't care. He doesn't care as he adds another digit into my cunt, his thumb expertly rubbing my clit. 

He reaches underneath me, miraculously unclipping my bra first try and yanking it off me-- all the gentleness he tried to flaunt minutes ago disappearing entirely. 

He doesn't bother taking a look at my chest, he only moves upward to lick my hardened nipple, his free hand palming the opposite breast all the while he keeps pounding his fingers into me. "Someone normal would tell you that you look pretty like this."

Holy hell, I'm going to cum before we can fuck.

"That you look stunning in the low lighting with my fingers filling you up, and your flushed cheeks-- the tears in your eyes." I feel myself falling apart underneath him, his fingers reaching deep within me and his mouth latching onto my nipple, his hand running down the length of my stomach. And he must know because his lips stretch against my skin, moving away from my breasts to glance up and send me an inebriating grin that's so full of equally evil and sensual promises. "That you look so beautiful when you're losing yourself."

I can't look at him anymore. Not when there's truth to those words hiding somewhere deep in his cerulean eyes. Not with his fingers curling into me again and his hand roaming over my stomach.

But that same hand grips my chin, shakes it a bit until I open my eyes and look at him. His jaw is clenched tight, something sinister in the eyes that were praising me just moments ago. "Cry for me," he says in a guttural, assertive tone. 

I cum all over his fingers, my hand grabbing onto his strong bicep as the tears he asked me for slip down my cheeks even if he can't see them. I can't control them, nor can I contain the muttered pleas for more, or less, or for him that tumble past my lips only to be muffled by the panties in my mouth. 

He helps me through the sudden orgasm, lips pressing little kisses between my breasts while his eyes never leave me. He removes his fingers from my pussy after I come down from my high. I pant at the ceiling, finding it harder to breathe with the fabric in my mouth.

Sal notices and plucks my panties from my lips, causing me to shut my eyes in ecstasy as a fresh wave of air invades my lungs. I almost choke on the first breath. 

In my peripheral, I watch Sal stick his soaked fingers into his mouth and lick up the excess of everything he couldn't taste when his tongue was on buried in me. I nearly choke again.

"Such a good girl for me," he praises, standing to his full height but never parting our bodies-- my legs still wrapped around his middle. He does lean over though, opening a drawer on his bedside table. 

He pulls out a foil packet and drops it onto my stomach. "We're doing it the right way this time," he informs me, nodding at the condom.

I swallow past the unbridled excitement building within me. "Why didn't you use one?" I pant, sucking in a big breath of air before continuing. "The last time?"

Sal tilts his head disappointedly in answer, averting his gaze. I watch the way his scarred lips move as he says, "Got ahead of myself. Couldn't wait."

"Oh," I breathe, snorting afterward. "Proud of myself for that one."

"Remember that you didn't insist on protection either. You're as guilty as I am," Sal informs me and I roll my eyes, an action that makes him smirk a bit-- all the pride I felt returning to him.

Sal and I have learned, at least by this point, to not waste time on arguing when we're in the middle of sex. Because something always gets in the way of us continuing. So Sal grabs the hem of his shirt and lifts it over his head, dropping the article behind him.

I soak up the sight of him, my gaze roving over the various tattoos on his body as he stands before me. The dagger on his neck, covered in a thin sheen of sweat. The map of depictions along his left arm and the vines down his right. The moon and stars peaking past the waistband of his sweats.

He's just so fucking beautiful. I don't have words to describe him.

"One thing I'm going to ask of you," Sal says, using a tone I haven't heard all day. He was serious with me early, but this sounds vital. "Don't look past my stomach."

I freeze, eyes moving back to his. I try not to let my thoughts show through my reaction, but I'm sure he notices what I'm thinking because he pinches his lips. Doesn't let up that dominant gaze of telling me I have to follow through with this condition. 

It's because of the scars on his thighs. I won't press him again-- ever. His reaction when I brought it up the first time, followed by Larry unintentionally spelling out the truth, told me enough. He doesn't have to tell me, he isn't obligated. He's always done whatever I ask and taken care to make me comfortable. 

I gulp, regulate the features of my face that he can see and nod my confirmation to him. "I won't look."

Sal blinks, nodding back to me and loosing a little breath. I keep my eyes on his as he pushes his sweats down, kicking them off. His boxers follow moments later and I feel the moment his cock springs free, brushing along the inside of my thigh.

My chest rises with the heavy breath I take, my heart racing in my chest and my cheeks growing warm. Sal watches me with lidded blue eyes and grabs the condom off my stomach, bringing the packet to his mouth and ripping it open with his teeth.

My eyes roll back and I close them as soon as possible to keep at least a little of my dignity. Sal saw it anyway though and he laughs a bit, the pretty sound wrapping around me like the vines on his arm.

"Open your eyes, y/n," he rasps. And I have to; he used my name. "Watch me. Stop being shy. There's no room for that shit once I fuck you."

I open my eyes and watch him as he instructed, never looking lower than his chest even as I catch his arms rolling the condom onto himself in my peripheral. 

And he's done in a moment, leaning toward me and hovering with his hands pressed into the mattress on either side of me. His gaze falls to my chest before his eyes can meet mine. "You look scared," he mutters, filling me with deja vu at the repetition of our conversation yesterday.

I continue the memory with quiet, shaky words. "I am."

Yesterday, he asked me why. Today, his eyes dance over my masked face-- all nonchalance and a lion towering over a cornered bunny as he says lowly, "You should be."

I don't get time to sit and contemplate his words because one of his hands moves between my thighs. Then his dick presses against my folds, carefully and delicately pushing in just a bit. His nostrils flare as he sucks in a quick breath, eyes still holding my gaze. "Can you take all of me or do I have to go slow?"

My pussy dampens at his consideration and at the feeling of his warm cock gently pressing into me. "Slow," I answer him softly, feeling a fluttering in my chest. "For now. It's been a while."

Sal nods, taking his time pushing his length into me, allowing me time to adjust. I wince a bit at the burning feeling of his cock stretching me out, but I don't stop him. Regardless of the dull slice of pain, it feels good.

Good enough that I have to pant through how painstakingly slow he's taking this. Hell, I didn't mean this slow.

But he fills me up to the hilt and then stops, giving me extra time to simply feel him. Being so full and relishing in the throbbing warmth of his thick cock is otherworldly bliss. Even without him moving, having him buried in me is so pleasurable that a soft, satisfied moan leaves my throat. 

Sal takes that as his cue to move, pulling out of me before slowly-- not as slowly as before-- pushing in again. "You're okay?" he whispers, his furrowed brows saying more than enough about how good it feels for him. 

I nod, whimpering and shutting my eyes again.

"Fuck," he grounds out behind clenched teeth. "Thank God."

He unsheathes himself before slamming into me again, slow pace abandoned and replaced with something unchecked and monstrous. I nearly scream, only held back by the reminder that he has neighbors or what-fucking-ever.

His cocks pounds into me, his head dropping onto my chest as his hands grip my hips with brutal strength, no doubt leaving behind bruises that I can be proud of later.

The feeling of his hard dick sliding into me at such a fast pace so suddenly is heavenly, coating my insides with erotic pleasure that I haven't experienced before-- his hands on me and him panting against my chest, taking the moment and suffocating in it.

He lifts his head, a gratifying, sensual glare plastered onto his face as he watches me and picks up that barbaric pace. 

His lips part and he pants through each thrust, a hand moving away from my waist to wrap around my throat. My air is cut off as he squeezes and I feel myself falling apart again. Even more so when he uses his other hand to press down on my stomach as he continues to pound into me just to feel himself, feel his cock moving in and out of me.

My pussy clenches around him and he groans at the feeling, leaning his head down to nip at my stomach. "You feel so fucking good," he says breathlessly, licking at my skin. His lips skim along my flesh as he ruts against me, dick filling me up and showing me all the reasons why he swore I wouldn't be able to handle him. 

With a grunt, Sal stands up and pulls out of me, releasing my throat and wrapping an arm around my waist. He flips me onto my stomach with no hesitation or struggle and that alone is hot in and of itself. 

He grabs onto my hips, lifting them and pulling me against his waist. His cock, wet with my arousal, presses against my ass and he whimpers. I squeeze my eyes shut and press my forehead into the mattress, gasping for air against the fabric. He's so vocal and it's so addicting that it hurts.

Sal adjusts himself, pushing his dick past my folds from behind. The change in position elicits a completely different kind of ecstasy compared to before. I moan loudly at the feeling, my fingertips digging into his bedsheets.

He doesn't give me a moment to recover; he grabs onto my hair and forcefully pulls me backward, causing my back to arch and my jaw to drop.

Sal slams into me again, one hand on my waist and the other gripping my hair tightly. There's no consideration in his fucking, no niceness. No gentleness. He's only chasing his own release and hoping I can reach it with him.

He uses that hand in my hair to jerk me back even more so that I have to get onto my knees. I fall back against his chest and he never relents in his fast, wicked pace. Sal grips onto my throat again, holding me to him and panting into my ear. "Do you like when I fuck you like this?"

I don't have the words to answer when he's fucking them out of me. I only groan in response, solely focused on the carnal feeling of his cock filling me up again and again.

"Still think you can handle me?" He whispers, lips brushing the skin of my neck since he can't speak any louder without his voice shaking. I can tell by the light tremor that's already in his tone, followed by the way his hands squeeze me tighter and his chest smacks into my back with the force of his harsh thrusting.

I can handle all of him. I told him he would be wrong about me. I was worried that maybe I was wrong for thinking I could take him. But I've never been so right.

I know he wants me to fall apart and beg him to go easier on me. So I tell him, "More." Moans erupt past my lips the moment I utter the word. I swear Sal stills-- but it's so brief that I can't be disappointed about it. He chokes on a laugh before sinking his teeth into the side of my neck and slamming into my pussy even harder than before. 

I cry out, grabbing onto his forearm with one hand and reaching back to grab onto his hair with the other. Sal sucks on the skin of my neck, grunting with each rough thrust into my cunt.

"My good girl," he moans softly, taking a deep breath to follow. "If you go and fuck another man, you're going to imagine me in his place for the rest of your life." I think he's right. 

His cock twitches in me and I groan, gripping his hair tighter while I try to hold myself together for at least a little longer, relish in his cock stretching me out and bringing me the most hedonistic feeling I've ever experienced. 

I don't know how the hell he's able to speak in these conditions. Maybe it's the pride of being in control.

Sal finally changes to a painstakingly slow pace. I feel every inch of him sink into me, every centimeter of his warm, throbbing cock fill me up and then leave me empty. Again and again and again until tears are sliding down my cheeks the way they were just moments ago. 

"I want the thought of me to plague you every time you fuck someone again," he hisses, every word separated by a quick breath that caresses my neck like a promise-- a secret that he and I alone will take to the grave. "You'll think of me every time. You'll taste me on your tongue like the most potent flavor to exist on this earth." He pauses, my heart slamming against my ribcage as his hand moves from my throat to brush my hair away from my face, his lips moving along my skin and his dick sliding into me so sweetly. The rest of me feels numb-- everything focused solely on my core and the second orgasm I'm about to have.

"You'll feel me on every inch of you like you're trapped in the strongest of spider webs." My thoughts are dizzying as he speaks, his teeth scraping at my neck and his thrusts so calculated. My mouth goes dry as he grabs onto my chin with his entire hand, keeping me still as a statue, controls me while he uses me. "See me even though I'm not there, haunting you every second."

This motherfucker is hexing me.

"Sal--" I say in a broken whimper, trying to speak past the chills that erupt along my body as the breath I'm trying to take catches in my throat.

"Shut up," he bites out, lips brushing along my jaw. "I want you to know that you're mine without me having to say a word," he begins, his voice raspy, deep, and wavering from the focus he puts into each sensuous thrust. So much animosity, so much destruction in his tone. 

His hand snakes down from my waist to my pussy, warm fingers working on my clit. I groan in response, throwing my head back onto his shoulder. "You don't get to cum until you accept that." And then his thrusts stop, my pussy clenching around nothing as emptiness ravages me, the loss of him disgustingly astounding.

I let out a disappointed, pained breath, gripping him tighter in my hands. "So," he purrs against my skin, marred lips stretching into a proud, feline smile. "Who do you belong to?"

I suck in a breath through my nose. There's a lot going on right now, and maybe he's just saying this for added effect, but I need to tread carefully regardless. We don't need to start something that shouldn't exist.

"What do I get," I start, trying to control the trembling in my voice. "If I tell you what you want to hear?"

"Anything you want," Sal whispers in response. I let out a breath, realizing that he's not even half as serious as he sounded. Being in control is just his kink. He needs me to give into that.

"Then," I start, gulping as pulsing heat and pain begin to take the place of his thrusts. I need him inside me, I need him to finish this. "I'm yours," I tell him sweetly, adding some sugar to my tone and loosening my grip on him to something more delicate. Becoming the puppet he desires.

Sal groans into my neck before shoving his length into me again, giving me the perfect pleasurable pain that I wanted from him. He keeps a steady, quick pace that makes me whimper, tightening my hold on him despite trying to submit. 

"Such a dirty girl," Sal says gruffly. "You're doing so good. Keep taking me."

I moan loud enough for the sound to echo off his bedroom walls and his fingers rub my clit faster in approval. 

"You let me fuck you so well, sweetheart," he utters the raspy words against my skin, his thrusts growing sloppier the more he talks. And, what the fuck, but all his yapping is pushing me closer.

"I'm going to cum," he warns me, "You better, too." His hand returns to my throat, gripping tightly as he growls, "Let the whole neighborhood know how good my cock feels."

I whimper at his command, luxuriating in the quickness of his harsh pace and his hands holding me so tightly, his fingers working me just as fast as his dick is.

The combination of his words and his hard cock sliding into me at such a bruising rate makes me go limp in his arms, the orgasm slamming into me out of nowhere. I cry out as Sal's grip tightens on me, both of us seemingly surprised by my sudden climax. But the second the warmth of my cum seeps onto him, he hums his approval, tongue lapping at my throat.

And yet he still says in a smooth, gentle, condescending tone, "You came before you were supposed to."

My breath stutters and I'm still seeing stars, my vision blackened in the corners and my thighs quivering. And he's still pounding into my pussy, overstimulating me with each thrust. It's so much, but it feels so good.

He seems to sense this, so he pulls his still rock hard cock out of me and steps away from the bed. I groan at the loss of him yet again, but don't have time to bitch and cry about it. 

He grabs onto my hair and yanks me onto the ground in front of him, pushing my shoulders down to put me on my knees. The entire action is so forceful, so careless and my already wet thighs dampen a bit more. 

Sal's request for me to not look below his waist is hard to honor in this position, but I keep my gaze angled at his face. 

Oh, his pretty face is flushed and sweaty, his hair sticking to his cheeks and neck. One of his pupils is blown out, the other normal. His lips are parted and he looks like he's about to explode.

I can't see it, but I can hear when Sal pulls the condom off and throws it into a trash can. He grabs me by the hair again, jerking me closer to him, the tip of his dick rubbing over my lips. "Suck," he orders, a glare on his handsome face. "And swallow everything that I give you."

Sal honors his only request better than I can by forcing his cock into my mouth. I struggle to take his length, but suck on what amount of him that enters me.

My tongue twists around him, licking up the excess pre-cum and sucking. My eyes stay focused on him the entire time and I take true pride in the way he hisses at the feeling, face contorting into one of immense pleasure. He bucks his hips, shoving himself deep into my throat and furrowing his brows, his mouth falling open. He watches his cock fill up my mouth like it's the best gift to ever be bestowed upon him.

I watch when Sal shuts his eyes and tilts his head back followed by a loud, pretty moan that leaves his open mouth. Such a beautiful sound-- I could cum all over again just from hearing him break like this.

His grip on my hair tightens and he continues thrusting into my mouth, not giving me a good opportunity to do any work for him. He uses me to chase his own orgasm, his hand in my hair to push me forward to meet each thrust. I take it, my gaze still glued to his face as he falls apart in front of me.

He whimpers before his teeth clamp down on his bottom lip. Without a word of warning, considering he already warned me, he bursts in my mouth.

This time, unlike our moment in Vegas, I swallow everything. None of his cum falls to the floor. I groan at the taste, tongue flicking over the tip of his dick. Sal flinches, releasing a shocked breath.

But after a moment of clarity, Sal lets go of my hair and pulls his cock from my mouth. I release him with a pop and he groans. The second we separate, I look up at him so as not to breach the little bit of trust between us.

He watches me, towers over me. He's still recovering clearly and I think he fucked the literacy out of both of us. I don't have words and he looks like he's short-circuiting. 

"Fuck," he finally breathes, struggling to draw out the word.

I give him a little upside down smile and try to stand on shaky legs. Sal, chivalrous as he is even with the whole post-nut clarity thing, grabs my elbows to help me up.

I sit on his bed, fully aware of the mess between my legs. Sal doesn't complain though. In fact, he sits down next to me and stares at the closed door in front of us. We both do.

This feels like a scene out of a movie. Neither of us know where to go from here. 

I sigh, giving myself a moment to think through my options. I need to clean myself and then I need to drink an entire gallon of water. He fucked me good. There's no coming back from this, I'm afraid. He knew that. He warned me.

"I'm going to the bathroom," I say quietly my voice coming out hoarse. If I'm quick, I can make it there without worrying about anyone walking in on me naked. Hopefully.

Sal distractedly hums his acknowledgement so I stand up, legs still jello-like, and grab all my clothes. And then I fucking book it out of his room and across the living room.

I take care of myself in the bathroom, feeling some kind of lucid numbness. I feel great, I just had really good sex. But at the same time, there's a difference between Sal and I. I don't know how to feel about it, nor do I want to address it. But something's just... off. Part of me is afraid that he'll end things because of it, but maybe that needs to happen. Maybe this needs to be the cut off.

Thinking about it fills me with anxiety. As much as things have progressed, I still see the image of me crying back in Vegas. The same would happen if he were to end things now.

But I take a breath, brush my teeth, take a quick shower, and prepare myself to walk out of the bathroom. He might still be in his room and he may stay there. That's probably what he will do actually-- he looked pretty out of it.

And you know what, I'll reward myself with his beloved string cheese. Because, hell, if he ends things I'll just fuck someone else. Maybe he's right-- maybe he'll haunt me and no one else will ever be as good as him, but I'll still get to have sex.

Things will be fine.

With a quick, revitalized breath, I open the bathroom door.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Sal is sitting at the table in the kitchen. Now I can't sneak a string cheese.

I blink at his back, watching him scroll through his phone from a distance. I'm still parched though, so I walk over to the kitchen and open the refrigerator, intent on ignoring him since any phrase from me would most likely be a bad decision.

"If you're hungry or something, you can take whatever you want," Sal says in a voice that's both void of tone but insisting. Like he wants me to take all the shit in his fridge.

Not like I'll tell him no. Guess I can't get away with ignoring him though.

"Thanks," I murmur, grabbing a string cheese, opening it, then stuffing it into my mouth. I glance around then grab a bottle of water. My eyes cut to the milk and I purse my lips, biting off a chunk of cheese. "Do you have cereal?"

"Mhm. Bowls are in the cabinet next to you, spoons right under it in the drawer, and cereal is in the pantry." Followed by his words is the sound of his chair moving. And then he says, "Grab double. I'm getting the cereal."

Pausing, I glance over my shoulder at him. A shock runs through me when I watch him get up, noting that he did't bother putting his prosthetic on. 

I blink as I watch his figure disappear from view. Ignore, ignore, ignore. I slowly turn back to the cabinet and grab two bowls, then two spoons, followed by the milk on my way over to the table.

Sal comes returns swiftly, taking a seat beside me of all places. He grabs a bowl and a spoon, pours a considerable amount of Trix cereal into his bowl, then pours the milk. 

I can't look at him. I really cannot look at him.

He hands me the cereal and I pour some into my bowl followed by milk.

This is so fucking awkward. It's too domestic. Too normal. He and I are not normal.

The house is quiet aside from the sound of us eating, and I watch Sal scroll through Twitter from the corner of my eye. I'm trying my hardest to eat my fruity soup as normally as possible even though the silence is really starting to get to me.

My thoughts are weighing on me. I thought I'd be fine, I thought it wouldn't bother me. But Sal isn't saying anything and now I'm scared. I'm scared that this will be it and he won't want me anymore-- and, fuck, why does it even matter?

"Do you still want to fuck me?"

The words tumble past my lips before I can even decide I want to say them.

Sal's head turns toward me, so I look over at him. His mouth is full, the cereal puffing out the cheek that's usually sunken in. His eyes are innocently wide, like he didn't expect me to say something-- that, of all things.

I gulp, the action reminding Sal of the situation. He snaps out of his stupor and covers his mouth, turning away from me to finish his bite of cereal. When he finally turns back to me though, he's recovered a bit and slapped a nonchalant expression onto his face.

"Yes, I still want to fuck you," he says as if it's the most obvious thing.

I glance between his pretty eyes, watching as he does the same to me. I try to ignore the relief that infects my veins, the giddiness that fills me with adrenaline.

"Okay," I respond, turning back to my cereal.

Sal looks at me for a bit longer before also returning to his cereal. Quiet ensues again and I'm honestly about to just ditch my cereal and turn on the TV. What's worse than constantly bickering is the silence between us.

And then Sal breaks that suffocating silence with, "I'm sorry."

My brows furrow and I face him again. He doesn't look at me, but I watch as he chews on his bottom lip, staring at his phone like he didn't just say something really important.

"What do you have to be sorry about?" I ask him.

Sal looks to me and sets his spoon down. "For what I said in Vegas." His voice is sincere, but as in control as he possibly can be. He doesn't want to admit quite how bad he feels about it, but it shows in the fact that he's apologizing for a second time.

"You already apologized for that," I inform him, my voice gentle. I know I hate feeling remorse and it's hard to apologize, so I appreciate that much from him at least.

"Then I'm doing it again," he says, looking off to the side. "You didn't deserve it. And I don't deserve so many chances."

I almost feel bad seeing him so sorrowful.

"Don't worry about it," I sigh halfheartedly, going back to my cereal. My spoon clinks against the side of my bowl. "You fucked me good. That makes up for it."

Sal hums his agreement, a short chuckle following. "I told you I would," he chirps. Proud bastard. "You weren't too bad yourself."

"I wasn't 'too bad?'" I snap, thankful for the sense of normalcy. "Says the man who literally could not shut up the entire time. 

Sal shrugs before sending me a glare. "I'm vocal. Do you want me to say nothing during sex like you? That shit's awkward."

"You should be honored by my silence," I scoff, pointing my spoon at him. "I couldn't talk because you fucked the ability out of me."

His azure gaze darkens at my words. "Careful with what you say or you'll get fucked again."

I gulp. The way he's watching me with that dominant stare, his tattooed hand gripping his spoon tighter. The fact he's put his phone down to put all his focus on me.

"I wish we could," I whisper, my voice coming out raspy.

Sal licks his lips and he blinks, remembering that our friends could come home any second. That it's not worth the risk. "Yea," he replies, looking away to pick up his spoon with a sigh. "Me too."

Almost as if fate wanted to confirm our thoughts rather than us think we had a shot at round two, the front door swings open.

Larry and Ash walk through the doorway, hanging on each other's arms and giggling like a pack of hyenas. I pause mid bite, mouth open and spoon hovering in the air as I watch them.

They've definitely been drinking, but they aren't drunk. Yet. 

Larry looks over at Sal and me and furrows his brows, eyes going wide. "The fuck are you two doing together?" His words express his shock better than his face can. "Sal do you not love me? You never take your prosthetic off around me. Is y/n a better brother than me?" The words are joking, of course, but by the narrowing of Larry's eyes, I can tell there's a brotherly quarrel that's about to break out.

I expect about as much when Sal sighs sarcastically, already tired of the rough night ahead and drops his spoon into his bowl. 

Milk splashes onto my arm in retaliation and my first instinct is to bark insults at him. "Come on, dickhead," I snap, glaring at him. Sal glares back-- and suddenly, we've started up the game that I missed so much. It's just so easy to fall back into old habits.

"Better for it to be milk than cum, right?" He grumbles, teeth peeking past his lips with each syllable. I'm torn between curling up like a dead spider at the insinuation and admiring the little bits of him I don't see often.

"Shut the fuck up," I hiss in warning, narrowing my eyes at him. The retort is half-assed but how can I come up with one when one wrong step will only aid in Larry and Ash figuring us out?

"What if I don't want to, huh?" He counters, brows raising and lips pressing together as if he's challenging me. A little glimmer of something in his cerulean gaze. Something that begs me to pounce.

We have a glare-off for a couple, quiet seconds and I'm trying to think up an insult, a response, a diversion. Anything. But I can't-- I can't because despite the fact that things feel so normal between us, the arguing is more for a reaction. The bickering is just a veil over the truth now.

"Well," Ash cuts in, saving my ass. "At least you're in a better mood now, y/n. We were worried about you." I pull my attention from Sal and focus it on Ash.

She's watching me with big, green doe eyes that are silently asking if she can know now that I've calmed down.

That familiar pit in my gut forms at the reminder of my mother. At least now, compared to when Sal and I first got back, I realize that I can figure something out. Ash and Larry can help me come up with a solution. But-- "Where the hell are Todd and Neil?" I ask. It feels like they've been gone the entire time we've been in Nockfell.

Ash rolls her eyes at the mention, switching her weight from her left foot to her right to put a hand on her hip. "Those two rapscallions would rather be anywhere but with us even thought they're getting their own apartment. They've never been social butterflies but, hell, still. I feel like a restless mother!" She answers with a little sneer, flicking her wrist toward the open expanse of the house to reinforce her point.

"At least you're a mother who cares," I snort, sending her a half-grin that's faker than my own mom's hot-shot persona.

Ash's expression drops followed by her stance slackening as realization dawns on her. "Is that why you were upset earlier? Heather being cum-guzzling bitch again?"

"Damn!" Larry exclaims with an approving glance at Ash. They're still tucked under each other's arms. If Ash didn't have such a strong preference for women, I have no doubt that these two would have ended up together.

Ash throws him a sensual smirk before turning back to me. "What did she say?"

I chew on my bottom lip as I recall the short phone call I had with her. "She knows that I'm VioletViolence. I don't know how-- I guess she recognized me in pictures."

Ash's face morphs into a more serious, angry expression. Larry follows suit, mimicking her with near perfection.

"She threatened to expose her identity and face, pretty much," Sal pipes up from his standing position beside me. I glance over, noting his hands perched on the surface of the table, his body leaned forward and his face tilted up to address Larry and Ash. Horrible positioning considering his dagger tattoo is on full display to me right now. 

Ash quirks a brow. "Okay, were you with her or did she tell you?"

Sal tips his head to the side, gaze scrutinizing to go with an unamused upward tilt of his lips. "You think she'd willingly tell me about her mommy issues?" He asks his own question, tone flat to accompany his sarcasm.

With a sigh and frustration curling in my gut, I hide my face in my palm and take a moment to remember the task at hand is not to beat this man to a bloody pulp but to figure out how to resolve this... mommy issue.

"We were in the middle of you and Larry's game whenever she called. It was... messy," I confirm Sal's claim, making sure they know that I'd rather eat a toe before going to him with my problems. Ever. Even if he did make those problems go away for a bit.

Hey, maybe he isn't good for nothing!

"What are you going to do?" Ash asks me warily, ignoring me and Sal's little hiccup.

I avert my gaze and purse my lips. I have the same question for myself. Anxiety at the prospect of being exposed wraps around me, constricts my airways and nerves. Disables my rational thought and the ability to breathe. 

A little body brushes along my leg, followed by a chirped greeting and the loudest purring I think I've ever heard.

Momentarily distracted, I look toward the floor and see Gizmo at my feet. He notices me, pushing up on his hind legs to make biscuits on the top of my thigh. A mixture of surprise and pure glee kicks the anxiety away as I lean over and scratch the top of his head.

"Pick him up," Sal murmurs. I turn my gaze up to him to find him looking down at Gizmo with furrowed brows. "You're anxious, he knows."

I suck in a quick breath before glancing down at Gizmo again. He came all the way over here because he sensed my distress?

But with Sal's permission, I do as he instructed and lift Gizmo into my arms. I plop him on top of my lap and the cat practically climbs up my torso like he's hugging me. He rubs his furry little head on my cheek and purrs against my chest. Oh my gosh, I might cry.

I turn my attention to Ash and Larry who have little smiles on their faces, meanwhile I'm fucking gaping at them. Where did this heaven-sent cat come from?

Sal scratches behind Gizmo's ear and sends the fur-ball a little smile. "You're such a hardworking guy," he coos, like the complete change in his character is nothing to be shocked about. In-fucking-sane. I can't get over the way he dad's his cat.

I swallow past the lump in my throat and blink at my friends. "I don't know," I finally force out, rubbing Gizmo's back. "I don't know what to do."

Ash's smile disappears upon returning to the topic we were previously discussing. "There are a couple things you could do. One, ignore it. She either will put you on blast or she won't. And if she does, what proof does she have that it truly is you?" She brings up a good point. "We haven't seen your face since you were a teenager. I'm sure she hasn't seen you in much longer."

I wince. "Actually..."

Ash's eyes widen with disbelief. "She's seen you more recently than I have!?"

"Not willingly," I rush to explain. "Split custody between my parents. I didn't have much of a choice. Last she saw me was when I was 17."

"Oh," Ash chirps, feeling a little less offended. "Okay." She sends me a pleased smile. "Here's your other option: move out."

I furrow my brows. That would solve absolutely nothing other than adding another bill to pay. "How would that fix anything?" I voice my internal thoughts.

Ash looks away from me, a little blush on her cheeks. "It wouldn't necessarily fix anything," she murmurs bashfully. "Maybe I just need a roommate, I dunno..."

She takes pride in making me cry, doesn't she?

"Hold on," I rush to say, cursing to myself when my voice wavers. I cut myself off so as to retain some dignity, but I'm sure the look in my eyes tells her enough. 

Gizmo hops off my lap, having done his job. So I stand up now that he's gone and push past Sal to get to Ash. "You need to--" I lick my lips as an excuse to take a moment to collect myself. "You need to warn me or something before you drop shit like that. What are you saying?"

Ash sends me her trademark puppy dog eyes and I already realize what's going on. "Fuck, fine," she forces the words out. "I bought a two-bedroom apartment. I need a roommate. Or, more like I want you as a roommate. I know I need to start double checking with you instead of loading you up with surprises... sorry."

I don't even know what to say, let alone think. I just gape at her, trying not to cry the way she seems to love making me do. Well, her and Sal. 

"Is rent expensive?" I whisper, voice hoarse with how tight my throat is. 

"Baby," she starts, giving me a stunning smile. "You don't have to pay a single thing. I'm just tired of being away from you."

"Don't hit me with that 'baby' bullshit," I choke out, smiling despite the challenge of having to speak. "I'm paying rent. I just need to know what I'm getting myself into. And I need to make sure dad is okay with living alone."

Ash's comforting smile turns into a wicked one full of sinister glee. If it was any other person, I'd probably be terrified. 

"It's a good thing I already asked your dad if I could steal you, then, isn't it?"

------------ A/N::::::: not gonna lie, i managed to type up this ENTIRE hoe in one sitting. don't ask me how i did it, i have no answer for you. girl math, guys. i've been living a lie ever since because this has been on my mind for DAYSSSS. shoutout to my dearest Autumn for running this chunk through an editor, like, THREE different times?? omfg. such a big help and much appreciated <33

ummm... enjoy this cuzzzz you know meeeee... probably won't update again for like another montthhhhh lololol o_o....

anyways, might look like a filler smut chap but ya girl HATES filler. i want plot, i want development. so if it looks like filler, just know that it has meaning that is deeper than surface level!! >.< a lot will be revealed verrryyyy soon

like always, leave me some feedback pretty pretty please so i can improve my writing! but ALSO like always, thank you for reading and for all the support. i love you all with everything i've got! have a wonderful morning/day/evening/night <333

[gtbutterfly]

Jen and Gabby: chapter five

hey, here's the fifth chapter of my first Gt story. I hope you like it! criticism is appreciated.

CW: character talking about past trauma, specifically witnessing and describing death. also, mild dehumanization (I guess?) but its differently less than the last chapter.

here's chapter four

heres chapter one

______________________________________________________________

It was after sunset. There was hardly any natural light outside. It was cloudy and drizzling, out the window was practically just blackness, minus any light that seeped out from houses and street lamps. Jen's vision and mind were blurry and groggy as she woke up in front of the window, lying on a dresser. Her body was sore and achy, and the back of her head had a splitting headache, and her arms and legs hurt to move. Slowly, Jen mustered the strength to sit up, looking at herself. Nothing seemed broken or bleeding from a glance, at least from the outside. Jen held her head in anguish and tried to remember what happened. She and Tim had gone here to save her sister, Gabby. They were discovered by Gabby's kidnapper, Tim was taken away, and Jen was kicked into a wall. That was the last thing Jen could remember, laying next to a wall, not able to move, slowly losing consciousness as she thought about how she failed Gabby and Tim. Jen looked through the window outside. The ground was wet, and everything was dark. The moon was hidden behind heavy clouds that could pour at any moment. Then, Jen looked at her reflection. There were bags under her eyes, dirt and dust on her clothes, mild scratches on her face, and tears in the fabric she wore. Her bag that she used to carry tools and items was taken off and placed next to her, on the dresser. Her sewing needle was still nowhere to be seen. Jen let her eyes wander upward. There was another reflection behind her in the window, one of a young human with green eyes and black hair.

“Oh, you’re awake,” the human said. Jen flinched and jumped around towards the human looming over her, stepping back and grabbing her bag.

“Get away from me!” Jen said, backing away from the human.

“Wait! Don’t be scared, don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt you,” the human said, blocking Jen’s sides with her hands. Jen pulled out the fishing hook that she used to climb things. It was a worse weapon than the needle, but she had to have something. 

“What are you going to do to me, human?” Jen asked, holding the fishing hook by its string.

“Nothing, I’m not gonna hurt you, I want to help you, ok?” the human said.

“Help me?” Jen asked with disbelief, “What are you talking about? Where’s Gabby? Where's Tim?” she backed away more, holding the hook defensively. Truthfully, Jen had never used a fishing hook as a weapon, she was mainly hoping the human would be too worried about being attacked for her to actually have to use it.

“You know Gabby?” Sara asked.

“...yes…she's my sister…” Jen said, still defensive, “One of you stole her, now where is she?”

“You’re Jen, right?” Sara asked,

“How do you know my name?” Jen asked sternly.

“Gabby told me ...I was taking care of her since my brother kidnapped her, I didn’t want her to get hurt or anything,” Sara said. Jen looked at her skeptically.

“You were…watching her?” Jen looked up at the human, wondering if she was telling the truth. It couldn’t be possible, could it?

“Yes, I was. I took her away from my brother, and fed her those,” Sara pointed at a plate of strawberries, some half eaten, “and I comforted her. She missed you, a lot.” Jen looked confused. She slowly lowered the fishing hook.

“You fed her…strawberries?” Jen asked.

“Yes, she said it was her favorite food,” Sara said. “I….wanted her to be comfortable here…so I asked her…..” Jen didn’t know what to say. Why would this human do that for Gabby? Why would she care enough not just to feed her, but ask her what she wanted? This human, Sara, couldn’t be telling the truth, could she? No, of course not. But why would she have strawberries otherwise?

“....why? Why did you feed her, and take care of her? You’re…a human…” Jen finally asked.

“Yeah… but that doesn’t mean I’d hurt her,” Sara sighed looking down at Jen, “she was just so…” Sara stopped herself. She was going to say ‘small’ but didn’t want to offend Jen, “she was just so young,” Sara said, “just…a young, tiny girl, who looked practically human, crying by herself. I had to help her,” Jen was silent for a moment. Practically human? She thought, what could she mean by that? Does she really see us as the same as her?

“Where is she?” Jen asked.

“...my brother Danny… he found another one of you, I’m guessing he was Tim?” Sara asked,

“...yeah…Tim…” Jen said,

“He threatened to hurt Tim if I didn’t give Gabby to him, and Gabby revealed herself to save him, I couldn’t stop her.” Sara looked down. “...I’m sorry.”

“...Gabby gave herself up to stop Tim from being killed?” Jen asked, conflicted. She knew both Tim and Gabby were still in trouble, and Gabby almost made things worse for herself, but in a way, Jen felt…proud? Gabby saved Tim's life, even though it endangered her own. Gabby cared enough about another tiny to endanger herself to help someone. It probably wasn’t for the best, given that Jen still had to save her now, but it still felt commendable. “...so, your brother has both of them?” Jen asked, looking up at Sara.

“No…not anymore,” the human said, rubbing the back of her neck, “he gave them to our father, who’s going to…study and experiment on them,” 

“What?” Jen asked.

“Our father’s a scientist, he wants to do experiments on tinies because you’re so similar to humans,” Sara said.

“So where is he? Where’s Gabby and Tim?” Jen asked.

“He took them to his job, I’m pretty sure it's at a campus near here,” Sara said. She took out her phone to check. Jen stared at her while she typed something in. “Yeah, the biomedical institute, that's where he went.” Sara put her phone down.

“So they aren’t here,” Jen sighed, contemplating what to do. “Human….”

“Yes?” Sara asked.

“Uh, thank you…for not hurting Gabby…and treating her well…” Jen said sheepishly looking down. It felt weird to her, to thank a human genuinely, not out of fear or annoyance but out of genuine gratitude. Jen never did that before, she had never seen humans that way.

“Uh, you’re welcome, Jen,” Sara said, looking down at the four-inch borrower. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Really…I am really…glad for what you did,” Jen said, still sheepish, “where is this…university?”

“It's a couple miles from here, which I’m guessing is more than a little far for someone your size,” Sara said,

“How far is a mile?” Jen asked.

“Uh, you know the tree stump at the end of the street?” Sara asked.

“At the bottom of the hill?” Jen asked.

“Yeah, how long would it take you to get there?” Sara asked.

“From here, half of a day or so of travel,” Jen said. “Why?”

“The university is like…seven times that,” Sara said, rubbing the back of her neck. “You’ll never make it there on foot.”

“I don’t have any other option,” Jen said, stepping forward. “I need to save Gabby and Tim from wherever they are.”

“I can help get you there,” Sara said. “I mean, I don’t have a driver's license yet, but I can still find a way to bring you there,”

“No!” Jen exclaimed, “I mean, thank you, but, you’ve done enough.” Jen said, backtracking. She didn’t want the human who was actually being nice to her to get angry, but at the same time, Jen couldn’t trust her enough to let her help more. Another human, Rebecca, wanted to help Jen earlier. Why would she be any different than her?

“Oh, I get it.” Sara said, “Jen, you don’t have to be afraid of me. I honestly just want to help you,”

“It's fine, I don’t need help…” Jen said, her side facing Sara.

“Jen, you don’t even know how to get there.” Sara said, “Look, my father brings me and my brother to where he works sometimes. I can sneak you in, and you can save them. Ok?”

“It's fine, Sara, you really don’t have to.” Jen lied. She knew in the back of her mind she couldn’t get to Tim and Gabby without someone helping, but she couldn’t have that someone be a human. A human that towered over her could crush her at any moment, even if it was unlikely, even if Sara was being honest, even if she did want to help her, it was too much of a risk. It was too much of a risk even being this close to her. For all Jen knew, Sara could have been lying. Gabby could’ve been somewhere in that room, her screams being muffled by whatever she's trapped in, or she could be lying somewhere unconscious, or worse. Jen had no way of knowing, and no reason to trust Sara at all. But she couldn’t say any of that. She couldn’t accuse her of lying, or admit to any of her fears. She couldn’t make the human angry, or seem weak and helpless in front of them.

“Jen, is there anything I could do? Even to just make you more comfortable, anything at all?” Sara asked.

“...when your brother kicked me, I had a sewing needle,” Jen said. “And I lost it.”

“Oh, you need a new one?” Sara asked. “I’m pretty sure I have some sewing supplies around here. Hold on,” Sara got up and walked to herself. She started shuffling through the items and containers, looking for an old sewing kit.

Meanwhile, Jen took the fishing hook she had and stabbed it deep into the wood at the edge of the dresser. She threw the string attached to it over the side so she could climb down. Then, Sara returned holding a metal tin, and Jen acted like she didn’t do anything while Sara was gone. Sara opened the top of the tin and placed it on the dresser. It had wool and rolls of string and cloth and pin cushions in it. Sara took a needle out of the pin cushion and held it, pointing in the non-sharp end at Jen, who looked at it.

“Here, you can have this one,” Sara said, as Jen hesitantly took the needle, holding it in her grip the same way as the old one. Jen looked at the needle, as light from the bulbs above her shined off the metal. She looked at the tip. It was sharp, sharper than the old one even. Her entire life, the old needle was the only thing Jen had to defend herself against humans. It was the only thing she had that made it not matter that she was just four inches tall, she’d still have a chance to fight and get away, and she lost that, only for it to be given back to her by a human.

Jen was silent for a moment, before she finally put the needle into her belt, holstering it at her side. 

“Thanks,” Jen said to Sara while looking down, “this…really is a lot,

“Don’t mention it,” Sara said. 

“Thank you, for helping me…and Gabby,” Jen continued to stare downwards, unable to look the human in the eye. She didn’t know why, she just couldn’t. “...I’ll go on my own now,” Jen said. Sara looked at her, confused.

“What? Jen, how are you supposed to find your sister without someone to take you to where she is?” she asked. Jen slowly looked forward, while hesitantly stepping towards the rope she put at the end of the dresser.

“I’m not asking,” Jen said, a bit sternly. She took another step towards the string attached to the hook in the wood. Sara finally noticed it.

“Jen, I know you're scared,” Sara started,

“I’m not afraid of you…” Jen said, looking down again, her hand on the end of the needle. Sara looked at her dumbfounded for a moment and sighed.

“Look, I’m just…trying to think what's best for you. What the best for Gabby,” She said, 

“I’m Gabby's sister,” Jen said, “I know.” 

“But you’ll never be able to get to her, just let me help, please,” Sara pleaded.

“...do you see me as equal?” Jen asked, finally looking at Sara in her green eyes. Sara looked at her back. The borrower was holding back tears, still trying to look strong. Still trying to look intimidating.

“Yes,” Sara said softly, “of course I do,”

“Then let me leave,” Jen Demanded. Sara sighed. There was no other way around it, was there? Sara backed away a whole arm's length from the desk, letting Jen climb down from it from her grappling hook. When Jen’s feet touched the carpet, she yanked down the hook, leaving a small mark in the dresser's wood. The borrower and the human shared a glance before Jen finally scurried across the floor of Sara's room and left. Sara stared out the window. She kept staring as the minettes passed, and Jen had surely left the house altogether, beyond any help from the human. Raindrops hit the glass and thunder roared in the distance. It began to rain.

Jen wore her mask over her mouth and nose while trekking across the wet ground. Water fell from the sky and soaked into her clothes, and dripped off her body. She walked through the grass, droplets sliding down them, seeping into the dirt as she pushed the blades aside to walk through them. She knew she was walking aimlessly. She didn’t know where the college was, nor how to get there. Even if she did know what direction to go in, it would likely take days on foot, which wasn’t time Jen had. First, she would have to find where it was before starting to make her way there. She thought about the human's computers and phones, how they could supposedly find how to get anywhere with them, or so she was told by other borrowers. Unfortunately, Jen couldn’t use any of those things if she could find them, since, like most borrowers, she couldn’t really write. There were some words that Jen understood in writing, mostly words on food labels or words she’d seen humans read out, but for the most part, she was illiterate. She knew that using human tech would probably require typing something, so that was out of the question. She could find other borrowers for help, but what good would that do? None of the other tinies were likely to know where this lab was either, and it wasn’t like any of them were awake at the time either, the marketplace was more likely empty. Jen walked out of the towering grass onto the concrete sidewalk, which wasn’t any less wet than the grass was. Instead of seeping into the ground, the water splashed off the ground, getting on Jen's face and wetting her fabric mask. She wiped her face off with her hand, before holding herself. She was cold. The rain and wind blew, chilling her body in the coolness of the evening. She started to think leaving Sara was a bad decision, now being stuck in the pouring rain and cold air. She heard from the humans she used to borrow from that being in the cold during the rain could get one sick. Sick borrowers without help often never recovered, and here Jen was, in the condition to become sick, while all alone. Completely, utterly alone, with no friends or parents to help her, or even her sister for her to protect. It wasn’t like Jen could go back to Sara. She couldn’t go back to the human after escaping them. She couldn’t go back after running away and tell her she did need her help after all. She couldn’t let the human know that she only left out of fear. She couldn’t let them know how small and helpless she really was. Jen hated being helpless. She hated being pathetic. But there was nowhere for her to go. She just stood there, letting the rain fall on her and in her hair, standing on the sidewalk without a soul in sight. Standing completely and utterly alone, until she heard something in the distance.

It was large footsteps, a human walking down the sidewalk, water splashing under their shoes as they slowly walked towards Jen in the distance. They didn’t seem to notice her. Jen backed herself into the grass and pulled out her new needle from her belt. She peered at the approaching human between the blades of grass. They were walking slowly, looking down at the ground and in the grass often. They had an umbrella and a jacket and had light brown hair and fair skin. They looked worried about something. They were calling something out while looking at the ground. As the human got closer, Jen recognized the voice.

“Tim? Tim, where are you? Tim, are you out here?” The voice was feminine, speaking with a slight whisper. It sounded genuinely worried. As the massive human walked past her, Jen peered out from the grass again. The human was Rebecca, the same human Tim had lived with, the same human Jen met just the night before, the same human that was infantilizing, and talked down to her, and surely saw her and Tim and every other Tiny as cute little possessions. That human was walking down the street with an umbrella, looking in the grass, and calling Tim's name. Jen had an idea, though it was less of an idea and more of a knowing. She knew what she had to do, for her survival, and for Gabby and Tim's survival. But she didn’t know if she could do it. If she could bring herself to face the human that was walking away from her at the moment. Jen previously had no trust in Rebecca, and she still didn’t trust her. But she was desperate, desperate to save Gabby and herself. Jen clutched her needle and swallowed her spit and the rainwater that fell into her mouth, and her fear. She ran towards the towering human, yelling to get her attention.

“Rebecca!” Jen yelled, waving her arm in the air. The human looked behind herself, before looking down at the ground. She got on her knees to look at the borrower. Water from the ground soaked into her pants at her knees.

“Jen?” Rebecca said, looking at the soaked tiny, “What are you doing out here? Where's Tim and Gabby?”

“What are you doing here?” Jen asked, shaking the water off her arms while under Rebecca's umbrella, “you said you weren’t going out to look for Tim until tomorrow morning,”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Rebecca said, “but it started raining, and I couldn’t bear to think about you guys out here, walking in the cold rain.” Jen sighed, looking down at herself, the water dripping off of her. Rebecca looked down at Jen with pity, “Why are you all alone?”

“Tim and Gabby…” Jen sighed again, “They’re gone. Someone took both. The kid's dad, some…scientist or something…”

“Tim was kidnapped?” Rebecca exclaimed, worried. “No, oh no, where are they?”

“Some place called ‘the biomedical institute’, or so I’m told,” Jen said. “I need to get there…so…” she looked up at Rebecca, almost seeming embarrassed.

“You need my help?” Rebecca asked, looking at Jen's minuscule face as she rubbed her arm uncomfortably.

“I don’t need….” Jen sighed, “Look, I could find another way to get there, but… your help would be…” Jen couldn’t find the words to ask for help. Rebecca realized what she was saying, and put her hand near the ground.

“Come on, I’ll get us there,” Rebecca held her palm out for Jen to climb in. Of course, Jen was hesitant at first. She still didn’t trust the human completely. She didn’t know if she trusted her at all. But what other option did she have? Still clutching her needle, ready to strike at any moment if things went south, Jen stepped onto Rebecca's large hand, standing on her knees in the center of her palm. She nearly lost her balance when Rebecca lifted her up, she had to grab onto the human’s fingers to not fall over. There was a weird feeling in Jen’s stomach as Rebecca carried her above the ground. It felt like nervousness, but different from the nervousness she felt before. It was as if butterflies were in her stomach, it didn’t really feel nervous or dreadful, it almost felt pleasant being held off the ground this way. It was something Jen had never felt before, especially not so close to a human, especially not being held by one. It was confusing for her.

Soon, Rebecca reached her car and opened the door, stepping into the driver's seat and gently placing Jen on the seat next to her. Jen hurried off the human’s hand and ran to the edge of the seat away from Rebecca, not wanting to be so near her despite the feeling she had before.

“So, you said it was called the biomedical institute?” Rebecca asked, pulling out her phone. 

“Yeah,” Jen said, looking down with a nod. Rebecca typed something into her phone, Jen couldn’t see what it was. 

“Alright, I have directions, it's about…forty minutes away, so, this might be awhile,” Rebecca said.

“Go, now!” Jen exclaimed. “I can’t let Gabby be in danger any longer.”

“Alright, geez,” Rebecca said, starting the car. She buckled her seatbelt and turned on the windshield wipers. “Hold on,”

Jen fell onto her back as the car started moving forward. Luckily, the car seat was soft enough for her to not get hurt by the sudden force. Jen kept sitting down as Rebecca looked over at her.

“Heh, I told you to hold on,” Rebecca said. 

“Shut up, human,” Jen muttered.

“So,” Rebecca continued, “since we have some time before we get there, you want to, y’know, talk about anything?” there was a pause. Jen remained silent. “We could get to know each other better,” Rebecca said.

“Why would I want to know you?” Jen asked. 

“Because you might change your mind about me if you did,” Rebecca said.

“Change my mind?” Jen asked, “What are you talking about?”

“You think I’m keeping Tim as a pet or something, and that I want to hurt or do the same thing to you, right?” Rebecca asked, “Well, I wouldn’t do that, and I’m sorry if there's anything about me that would make you think I would,”

“Then what is Tim to you, then?” Jen asked, “What about you?”

“Oh, well, other than you and Tim, I haven’t really seen much of you little guys before,” Rebecca said, “but from what I can tell, you’re all tiny, in need, and adorable,” 

Jen scoffed. “Like animals?”

“No, of course not, I don’t see you like an animal, you’re way more intelligent than an animal is,” Rebecca said, “more like…uh, I dunno, like…”

“A child?” Jen asked. Rebecca was silent for a moment.

“...well,” Rebecca sighed, “I don’t know,”

“Well, we aren’t animals.” Jen said, “And we aren’t children.” 

“How old are you?” Rebecca asked casually,

“...eighteen or nineteen,” Jen said after a pause. “I don’t know specifically how many days or years ago, it's just somewhere in that area.”

“Wow, you are an adult,” Rebecca said, “you're so small, it's hard to tell sometimes.”

“Is that why you talk like that?” Jen asked.

“huh? “ Rebecca looked down at her. “What do you mean?” Jen was silent for a moment, looking nervous. “Aw, You don’t have to worry about me being mad or anything, little one, just be honest,” Rebecca said sweetly. Jen paused again, before sighing.

“It's that. What you just did.” Jen said. “Saying ‘aw’, calling me…’little one’, it's…” Jen sighed again, “It's like you're talking down to a child.”

“Oh, sorry.” Rebecca said, smiling “I just don’t want you to be scared, that's all.”

“I’m not…” Jen sighed again, calming herself down, “It's humiliating. We’re both adults, there is no reason for you to treat me like a child to get me to trust you.”

“Well, you won’t trust me even when I treat you like that,” Rebecca said. Jen turned to her.

“What are you talking about? I am trusting you,” Jen said, “I’m sitting in your car, within arm's length of you, where you can grab me and do anything you want to me, and trust that you're bringing me to my sister instead of going to lock me in some cage!” she exclaimed. “Is that not enough trust for you?”

“I mean, sure, but, you still think I might do any of those things,” Rebecca said, “if you fully trusted me, you’d know that those things would never happen,”

“I’m not trusting anyone I met last night fully,” Jen said, “especially not a human,” she muttered.

“What do you have against humans, anyways?” Rebecca asked. “I know you tiny's spend your entire lives hiding and stealing from us, but why can’t you just ask for help? There's nothing to be afraid of,”

“I’m not afraid,” Jen said, looking down, still holding her needle this whole time, “right now, we’re going to save Gabby and Tim from humans that want to experiment on them or whatever, that should be enough to answer your question.”

“You know that not all humans are like that,” Rebecca said defensively,

“...maybe, but it doesn’t matter,” Jen said, “I’m risking my life just being near you, you should be glad I trust you enough to do that.”

Rebecca looked down at Jen. The borrower’s arms were crossed. She was still facing away from her. 

“Fine, I won’t expect you to trust me right away,” Rebecca said. “But, I just want to know what's making you so worried.” 

“You wouldn’t be worried if you were next to something so much bigger than you?” Jen asked,

“Well, I see your point, but I haven’t done anything to hurt you so far,” Rebecca said. “Have any humans actually harmed you before, or are you just being paranoid?”

Jen didn’t respond at first. She was stuck thinking of what to say. She was mentally searching through all her memories until she came to that one. Rebecca looked down at the borrower again, worried from the silence.“Oh, uh, sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean to…offend you or anything, I was just curious,”

“...my father was crushed and my mother was squeezed to death,” Jen said blankly, looking straight forward. There was another moment of silence between the two. “Both by a human.”

“Oh….” Rebecca gaped looking forward, dumbfounded by what Jen said. “I’m…..so sorry….. that's…. horrible. Why would anyone do something like that?”

“...I don’t know,” Jen said. She seemed emotionless. “I didn’t see it happen to Dad. he fell off a counter and we heard it. Then the human grabbed my mother.” Jen paused and sighed for a moment. “It was so slow. She couldn’t talk or breathe. There was no blood, no cracking we could hear, she was just…. Squeezed, and the light and water left her eyes until there was nothing left.” Jen said, staring down at herself. She paused again, still appearing emotionless. Truthfully, she was looking down to hide her face from the human. She was trying her hardest not to break down crying. Finally, she resumed talking. “I managed to escape with Gabby. We’ve been on our own since then.

They were both silent for a moment. The only sound was the sound of the car and the rain falling on it. Jen wiped her face off with her sleeve, still looking down, away from the human. Rebecca stopped at a red light before looking down at Jen again and sighing.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she said softly. “I promise that not all humans are like that. I promise I’m not like that.” she paused, thinking of what else to say. “It takes a really sick person to…kill two people in front of their kids like that.” Jen was still silent for a moment.

“People…” She said under her breath,

“Huh?” Rebecca glanced down at the borrower,

“Are we people?” Jen asked, “Are we people in the same way you are?”

“Yes of course you are,” Rebecca said, “of course, you're a person, you’re just smaller and weaker, and helpless, and,” she paused, realizing what she was saying. Jen turned away from her. The borrower spoke under her breath,

“Never mind,”

[ilovethetalkingclock]

Love Bites

GENRE: Horror, Romance

CHARACTERS: Kevin and Streber (Spooky Month)

SHIP: Candybats (Kevin x Streber)

TW: Blood, trauma, hallucination, animal death

SUMMARY: Streber wants to watch over Kevin during his night off, but Kevin isn't so sure... will Streber be safe from the wolf?

SEQUEL TIME, BABY!!! Expect more stories like this!!!

"Pleeeeeaaaase?"

"No."

"Oh, come on! At least for one night?"

"No!!!"

"Kev, I'll try and-"

"Christ almighty, Streber, ever since what happened last year I really don't think anything's worth the risk! You already lost an arm, I don't want you to lose the rest of yourself!"

Streber looked at his prosthetic with the mention of that. As much as he hated to admit it, Kevin had a valid point for the most part. 

Streber had known about Kevin's secret ever since high school. Specifically, it was during the school dance event.

---

Kevin had asked Streber to join him, to which he gladly said yes. Of course, due to the year, they couldn't exactly consider each other dates by the school, but they were at heart.

That being said, Kevin realized that he was making a mistake when he felt mild cramping… just when he and Streber were about to secretly kiss.

Of course, Kevin did his best to do the deed before deciding to tell.

"I… I need to… tell something."

"Yes? What is it?"

"I'm… a… we… we…"

"Hmm?"

"I'm a were…"

"Ooh?"

"I'm aware that it's a bit early to leave butIHAVETOGOSORRY!!!!"

And just like that, Kevin was off.

Streber was… actually not that upset about it. For one, they got to kiss and that was neat.

Second of all, one look at the rising full moon combined with a passion for monster movies and he was quick to make a first guess.

He was more than elated to hear a confirmation when the newspaper came that morning with the reports of what was allegedly an "out-of-control malamute" wreaking havoc around the neighborhood.

Much to Kevin's own surprise, Streber was already at his door, eager to hear everything.

With initial reluctance, Kevin told that while the full moon transformations and blackouts were true, the idea of the silver bullets and the curse being contagious were inventions of cinema. 

What he also told was that the wolf was not a vicious monster, but rather merely just… well… a wolf. A creature that while dangerous when approached improperly, was still simply an animal running on instinct.

"...so have you considered letting yourself transform in the woods more?"

"...not sure. You know how many hunters do their thing there."

---

"...regardless… I know you would never hurt me on purpose."

Kevin felt his eyes water. Gah, why'd that have to hit deeper than it should?! 

"...fuck it. You can watch over me for tonight."

"Yes!!!" Streber immediately felt his spark come back.

"Just… if anything happens… run. Run for your life." 

It tugged Streber's heartstrings to hear, but if it was for Kevin so be it.

---

Kevin awoke to the taste of blood… and the feeling of the wind's breeze. 

What nearly stopped his heart was that underneath him he felt not the cellar floor, but rather the feeling of grass and leaves.

Opening his eyes, he was nigh-blinded by the light of the daylight sky. He looked down to see his nude body splattered with the crimson juices.

"No… NONONONONO… NO!!!"

Immediately, he wandered through the woods in a tearful frantic huff, calling for his lover desperately.

"STREBER?!"

He ventured further, hoping that Streber would not only be still alive, but also the only one to see him naked.

What stopped him in his tracks was Streber's body. The prosthetic was gone, and there was blood coming right from the nub, as if he'd regrown his old arm only for it to be torn off again.

When Kevin blinked tears out, he saw that the still-fresh corpse was torn open with claw marks and bite wounds combined.

Just when Kevin closed his eyes to wail, he heard a voice.

"Kev!!!"

When his eyes opened the body was gone.

He turned to see Streber right behind him, completely unharmed.

Immediately, Kevin embraced him, his tears and snot dampening Streber's shirt. 

The only time Kevin had cried like this was when he realized the incident of last Halloween, and Streber knew. 

Immediately, Streber held him right back, not giving a fuck that his shirt was getting wet with saltwater, mucus, and blood.

After a while Kevin stopped crying and let go, his tears having given way to frustration.

"Streber, what the FUCK did you do?!"

Streber gave a nervous smile.

"Uhhhh… Iiiiiiii may have let you out into the woods??? I followed you and did my best to make sure you were safe!!!"

"Streber, I could have KILLED you."

"But ya didn't!"

Kevin calmed a bit.

"...not even try to?"

"Nope! You snarled at me when you first saw me but just a hold of my hand right in front of your muzzle, you gave a little sniff and we were all good!"

"...huh…"

"Yep!!!"

That alleviated Kevin's fears… but there was still something in his mind.

"This… this is fresher than what's in the minifridge. If I didn't kill you what did I kill?!"

"Oh, that's easy!"

Streber walked Kevin up to a bloodied deer carcass, throat torn out along with its insides and half of the skin gone.

"...ah. I see now."

---

Kevin used a nearby river to wash away the red. It was able to do a good job in making it look like nothing happened.

When he was done, Streber gave out his cape to both dry Kevin and cover him up.

"Do you have to carry this with you everywhere?"

"Why not?"

Couldn't argue with that logic. At least it helped here.

The two walked back to Kevin's house out of the forest and through the neighborhood backyards.

"Soooooo…"

"Hmm?" 

"With this in mind, can I watch you again next month?"

"As much as I want to say no… eh why not?"

"Yay!!!!!!"

The way Streber squealed warmed Kevin's heart. 

"I have a couple hours before work. You can stay in my house until the time comes."

"...can I give you a bunch of headpats first thing?"

Kevin gave Streber an unamused look.

"Sorry, I-"

The face became a smile, which prompted Streber to make one too.

"Obviously."

[gyubby99]

@disneyanddisneyships HAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

Trauma recap ig?

Tw: SA

So- i was born at a very young age

Jkjk ok so..

Once upon a time~

....

I was born with a congenital heart and ig one day my mom thought i was gonna die bc they said i did not cry when I came out of the womb.

Ha. Look who's surviving now.

Anywhoooo my parents separated (i live in the philippines divorce is not an option so they separated instead but still married on paper. Just an important note for an extremely important part.) Before I could comprehend what even a sun is.

So the couple therapist era began.

Peer pressure to get them back together was an understatement. I was FIVE when they told me I was the "key" for them to reconcile. So I tried so hard to make my mother tell me why exactly they separated. Dad said she fell out of love so I tried so hard to make mom love him again. I guess we don't always get what we want.

I was so confused because things wouldn't go my way. I thought happy endings existed. Guess not.

So I start to grow up and go to grade school.

That was the trigger.

I was apparently the ugliest creature they've ever seen. Like, kids my age would run away from me when they see me wanting to play with them on the street. They would call me "ugly duckling" or something whenever I have to go up front.

And then, the real trigger was this.

Apparently my father also works on the school I was in, and these girls pulled up to me thinking I was rich, then started STEALING MY WALLET. How do six year olds know how to blackmail now?

When I don't give them what they want, they "punish" me by making me carry books on both of my hands and get me on my knees. Mind you, I cannot carry heavy things back then because *cough* inborn heart condition *cough*

S O

I cried the first time after it was done to me.

That's what started my people-pleasing personality.

So long story short, I switch schools because it was fucked up.

AND THEEEEEEN 😍😍

The first few years were fine, the only issue that I was smart in the english subject.. and people only used me and pushed me around. They ignore me up until they need answers for english class. Stupid little me gave them what they wanted.

Haha.

Then another year. THE FUCKING BOMB.

I sit next to this girl in class.

We became bestfriends.

And then valentines day happened.

My very first kiss.

Was with her.

On valentines day because she thought it was funny.

But god-fucking-dammit.

It made me realize something about myself.

But I was still attracted to guys, so I thought I was straight. (Idk what bisexual was)

Then when I finally told them..

Remember the list of guys they made to "make me normal"?

..yeah.

They made a list of guys my age and wondered which one would make me stop liking girls.

My brain erased that memory for a while.. probably for a good reason.

OH! YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER??

BOOM.

Found out dad had a girlfriend. Didn't accept it at first, but she grew on me.

I WISHED SHE DIDNT!!

Because a month after my father died she called my mom a whore for having male friends. While SHE is the one moving on after five months to another guy with a lotta cash and stuff.

What's more effed up is that dad's siblings sided with her.

Also mind you, my biological parents are stil married on paper. So according to the law, she gets portion of dad's properties. The rest of em is mine and my brother's.

But NOOOOOO SHE STILL CALLED MY MOM A WHORE FOR STATING FACTS AND WANTED 500K FROM MY NOW DECEASED DAD

So long story short my broken family got a lot more broken. Yay!

Oh- this isn't over yet.

It keeps

Getting

Worse

As I grew up.. men started eyeing me which was never a problem to comprehend by younger me.

I turn eleven.

I was actually ELEVEN when my second father-figure by the name of fucking Ian Cruz, SA'D me. I lied about the thirteen.

To make it more mild I told you i was thirteen when it happened.

But no.

Eleven.

Two days after my 11th birthday.. I saw him sa'ing his wife while she was asleep and he started acting weird ever since.. to me.

I slept so late because I thought he might come and get me. Because he almost did. He almost pulled down my pants if I hadn't stopped pretending I was asleep. It could've almost been my first.

Then he starts watching explicit videos whenever he comes into my room. And he forces me to watch them.

Then he starts making eyes at me.. saying I've got a nice tiny little waist and everything..

Whenever I call him out on his shit he gaslights me. Every. Damn. Time.

He apologized to me by hugging me when I confronted him.. and while he was hugging me he.. he kissed my back? Without my consent?

I think.

I hyperventilated when he left after I pushed him off.

I started hinting at his wife about how he has the keys and she had NO idea.

So he finds the keys.

So me locking the doors..

It was all for nothing.

He did some more fucked up things but.. I'll leave it here.

So I told my mom..

And I thought she was gonna comfort me.

But she made it about herself.

She made it about how she was so hurt thet I lied to her. To everyone.

The worst part is that after I spoke up nothing happened.

I was still silent.

No one knew.

Just like how no one also knew back then.

It just repeated itself.

One of these days I just wanna scream..

But no.

Not anymore.

The age of thirteen i mentioned? That was the time I told her.

It's been years but holy shit

I still can't erase it.

He took my fucking girlhood. My innocence.

And the worst part is that he had no remorse and is still living his best life..

But not anymore. I'm not going through bullshit anymore.

Now I just.. I just figured out I had mother issues..

It kept

Getting

Worse

With the peer pressure and everything happening.. It's so hard. I wonder if I'm ever gonna make it past this year.

I wonder how long I can take before I finally shut down.

But.. the bright side of it all? I found people.

Can I also tell you the good side of my life? Not just the recap of bad things?

Well.. there was this jelsa meme account on instagram I found really funny.. so I liked their posts.

Then this said account messaged me.. saying she appreciates it.

Then we just.. talked.

The trigger was that someone had been flirting with her? And I stepped in and just..

It just happened. Few days she started calling me her girl..

And boy, oh boy.. was this a dream?

I was a mad woman. I couldn't sleep at night. I just needed to talk to her.. and everyday it kept getting better.

Even now.

After two years of it.

AND IM CONVINCING HER TO GET A TUMBLR!

God, I fucking love this girl.

Okay.. I'm name-dropping.

Her name is Kiara. Her ig acc is official__jelsa (up until now)

I hope she says yes hehe

Speaking of tumblr tho.

Weeeeell a certain SOMEONEEEE started liking and reblogging my jelsa incorrect quotes!

Hm I wonder who could that beeeeee

Dyk, Liana?

Someone by the tumblr user named disneyanddisneyships...

Hmmmmmmm

I think you know the rest...

Liana.

You know what happened.

I was there when you gave elsa a miscarriage.

I remember it all too well.

[fox-daddy]

A gloreioust fight P2 (Hunter x Muriel angst/fluff)

A gloreioust fight (Hunter x Muriel angst)

This fanfic is set around @xaharadesert's forced gladiator rebel mc headcanon

Read that before you read this fanfic as it has the whole situation set. While I was ordinally going to write it as Hunter x Julian following the Julian Hc, Hunter would've killed which would've changed the feeling around the ending. (Even if I didn't end up writing it all. Might update it with the ending might leave it here.)

(I didn't mean to post this I was trying to post another draft thing... I guess this is now going to be a three part thing since I'm too lazy to copy and past it into a new draft...

Part 1 here)

TW; blood, mild gore, past trauma and violence.

The sharp smell of blood filled the air as Hunter walked around an all too familiar house. Yet they couldn't tell where the smell was coming from. Only when they paused to look down did they notice they were the one dragging blood around. Looking behind them they could see the trail following where they had been like a small river cutting through the floor. A soft sickening feeling washed over Hunter as they looked back up at the almost infinite hallway. Yet something kept telling them to move forward. Was it the deep sense someone was waiting for them at the end? was it to avoid the blood that trailed behind them? was it the sickly sweet smell of food? or the harsh taste of fine wine on the air? maybe it was a bit of all the above as Hunter tried their hardest to keep their resolve about them. Turning a corner they were met with the back of a figure. He seemed to speak in a tongue unfamiliar to Hunter and yet they could almost feel in their heart what they were saying. Whoever this was had been waiting for them.

Any heat in the air seemed to vanish as Hunter felt a sharp deep seeded anger rising up inside of them. Almost instinctively they crouched down like a cat stalking a bird or a wolf hunting a fawn. Yet, as they moved forward to strike the figure turned around to face them. His face was blurred and almost completely melted into darkness. Yet their gaze pieced into the darkness as it was in that moment they realized they had misjudged the situation, they were the fawn. Shutting their eyes tightly the ground seemed to catch them as they rolled to the side. The harsh sunlight beating down on them as the person seemed to stand in the main booth. Between them and the person was a large figure covered in scars matching theirs and yet the icy blue eyes that stared them down was a far cry from their own blood red eyes.. blood red. Taking a deep slow breath they slowly stood up. Returning the cold glance they headed towards the figure in the box. In that moment only one thing mattered and that was getting to that figure. Walking through the large figure that blocked their way caused them to melt into fire as they made their way to stand above the figure the fire blazing higher behind them. For the first time they felt their body acting on it's own as they raised their hand above their head. Then the hand was down the next second. Red. The only thing they could see was red as they stood above what looked like a dead body. Yet the face kept it's void colour as the body changed shape. Small and slim, tall and lanky, bulky and chubby. It kept changing every time it left Hunters main point of focus. Stepping back they tried to regain their composer and yet a familiar figure took stage, Asra? no their face wasn't there. "what's wrong? can't remember what they look like?" a cold familiar voice sent a chill down Hunter's spine as a familiar body, Muriel's took center stage next to the Asra. Yet similar to the Asra his face wasn't there. Closing their eyes they tried to imagine Muriel's face and while some features stuck out, his green eyes deep enough to make the forest itself jealous others fuzzed together. A scar? did he, did he have a face scar? was that them? His hair his body it was all familiar so why couldn't they remember his face?

A sudden cold hand on their shoulder caused them to tense up as they noticed an orange paw and those all too familiar Icey blue eyes, yet no they were different, they almost felt warm. "it's time to wake up. Sorry about this." The paw suddenly moved towards their back as a sharp pain almost sliced through their back.

The feeling of being held was the first thing to register after the sharp pain in their back. Looking around they were met with a familiar concerned face, Muriel. The familiar scars, the shape of his face, yet they couldn't help but feel a deep chill settling in as they tried to picture Asra's and Julian's faces in their mind. Their hair, their eye color and skin color everything else felt like trying to pick a shape out of an inky darkness. Yet, there was a calmness to being awake, they knew they couldn't remember faces so why was it suddenly getting to them? The feeling of Muriel's large hand gently rubbing circles on their back helped them snap back as the slow deliberate movement helped ground them in reality. "are you okay?" the gentle tone caused Hunter's eyes to start to tear up as the only thing they managed to do was shake their head, as they felt themselves being pulled into an overly cautious hug. Clinging to the familiar texture of his clothes and the smell of myrrh was almost as calming as Muriel there. "...It's going to be alright" deep down they knew what he was saying was true, it wasn't new they had been unable to remember faces since they first woke up and their wounds would heal. Yet, for right then it felt different. Like something had changed and they had no idea what. "I know" they finally found themselves barely able to reply. Their voice felt quiet and yet they felt no need to repeat themselves. Smiling softly at Muriel they leaned forward gently pushing their forehead against Muriel. "can we just stay like this for a bit?" they almost didn't notice the soft shuffle as Muriel gently changed how he was holding them. "I'm not going anywhere." Despite having just woken up the feeling of being held closely by Muriel seemed to bring back their tiredness as they allowed their eyes to slide shut.

When Hunter next woke up it was after a dreamless sleep. Looking up they noticed they were laying ontop of Muriel as they allowed themselves to fully relax again. Closing their eyes they thought back to their original dream as they shuffled a bit. Feeling a large hand move to the back of their head, a few months ago they would've flinched away and yet they found themselves learning into it. "I can't sleep" they softly answered the unasked question. Feeling Muriel's fingers gently scratching against their skull helped soothe them as they closed their eyes. "It's before sunrise" Hunter replied quickly with a quiet humm. "It would be rude to wake up Julian this early, anyway I'm fine to just lay here for a bit. Go back to sleep, Muri." They felt the head rubs grow slightly rougher in the best way. "I'm not going to leave you alone for that long." A part of Hunter couldn't help but feel a bit bad at the idea of keeping Muriel up and yet the rest of them remained quiet as they watched Muriel's face. "not like I can force you to sleep." they tried to softly joke getting a small amused snort out of Muriel in reply. The silence that followed was soothing as Hunter focused on just being there. Or at least that's what Hunter wanted to do it was hard when his mind kept going to how they had picked up the claws and how it had seemed too familiar. Then you had the dream that seemed to haunt Hunter like a forgotten secret. "Are you okay?" the simple question held more to it than on the surface. Their first reaction was to say something like 'I'm fine' or 'I will be' and yet there was something off about it. Trying to think of the 'right' reply left them unable to say anything. Feeling Muriel gently move their head they made no effort to pull away as they looked at Muriel.

"I just had a bad dream that made no sense" Hunter thought about adding more but when they thought about the weird person from their dream it left their blood feeling cold. "It's like you said nobody likes hearing about other people's dreams and I think I'd prefer to try and ignore it for now." Yet they couldn't, they could still taste the blood in their mouth, like an old addiction they had forgotten, like something held in only by strings and wires. They could tell Muriel wasn't fully convinced that it was just a bad dream and he wasn't entirely wrong, while the dream had brought it back up it had started before then. Had it started before that fight? had it always been there in the background like a dark shado- the feeling of a slightly rough head rub snapped them back as they realized they had missed what he had just said. "You don't have to tell me about it, but it's not your fault" Hunter couldn't help but think about that, they knew the fight wasn't their fault and yet did they have to bite the other person? How had they known theri adrenaline would kick in? what would've happened if it hadn't? Then there were the claws. "It's not about the- it kind of is but it's also not-" finding the right words to explain was hard. "Have you ever seen or felt something that as too similar? I don't think it has fully to do with my amnesia I didn't get a headache, or a pain in the back of my head, it just... My hands looked too familiar and I don't know why."

[piecesofreeses]

I'm Sorry, I Can't Help It

This is PART 4 of I’m Sorry, I Can’t Help It.

I highly recommend going back to read part 3!

This is an age regression fanfic! Hate will not be tolerated, so take your bullshit somewhere else.

Awsten is struggling with his mental health and turns to age regression with a coping mechanism.

After failing to keep it a secret, what will happen between him and his band mates?

DISCLAIMER:

Age regression is a completely nonsexual coping skill. It is represented appropriately and correctly as it relates to my life. Regression can be positive in many circumstances, but not all. If you are struggling with your mental health or involuntary age regression, talking to a professional is always the best choice.

Chapter Four: The Sun on His Face

In which Awsten explains the origin of his regression.

Thanks for the support guys, all the comments and kudos really do mean the world! PLEASE read the trigger warnings in this chapter, because we really get into some childhood trauma. If you feel the need to skip this chapter, that’s okay! You’ll lose some character backstory but you’ll still be mostly in the loop for following chapters. 

I was listening to Bags by Clairo when I wrote this and I think you should too, but I can’t say they are totally connected by actual content, just vibes. 

TW: Discussion of childhood (14) sexual assault, discussion of past rape by deception, swearing, past cheating, discussion of PTSD, discussion of being called “stupid” while regressed, mild sex jokes

“So,” Geoff says, “You’re allowed to call me Dada, does that mean I can call you cute names too?” Awsten blushes at the mention of calling his friend Dada when he’s regressed, but recovers quickly.

“Yeah I guess. What are you considering?”

“I have a lot of ideas. Should I just list them?” Geoff laughs.

Awsten responds and Geoff can hear the eye roll in his voice, “I mean yeah, sure, go for it.” 

“Baby, bubba, bubs, sweetheart, little one, honey–”

“You already called me that,” Awsten cuts off the list.

“It was an accident! I was panicking!” Geoff says, exacerbated. 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s enough you can stop. Those are all fine and I’m sure any other shit you come up with will be too.”

“Can I ask how this started happening?”

“My regression?” Awsten tries to clarify.

“Yeah,” Geoff confirms.

“Yeah that’s fine. I mean I’ve gotta share so you can care? God, that was bad. Sorry,” Awsten says with a laugh. “I think I was maybe ten when it happened for the first time? That's kind of silly I know – a ten year old regressing even younger – anyway, I would just get stressed out, like the whole world was just way too big and I was way too small. And that's what would happen. Then I would all of a sudden be way too small. I didn't know what it was but my words wouldn't come out and I would feel like I was shrinking in on myself. When I was younger, it was all involuntary.”

“Not always now?” Geoff cuts in. “Oh shit sorry. I interrupted.”

“No it’s okay. Yeah I can do it on purpose sometimes. If I feel like I need it. I couldn't always do that because I didn't know what was happening before. I used to be so ashamed because I had no idea what was going on with my head. I would just get all fuzzy and feel stupid,” Awsten tries to explain. His eyes go soft and Geoff can see him remembering something.

“My mom is wonderful, but I’m thinking back to being thirteen years old at an amusement park. It was so late and I was so hungry and so tired and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't get my words to come out right, so I guess I was kind of ‘baby-talking.’ She kept asking me questions that I knew I should know the answers to, but I was stuck so deep inside my head. She told me to “stop pretending to be dumb,” and it’s always stuck with me. It hurt so much because I knew the age appropriate part of me was in there somewhere, but he wasn't in control and there was no one who could tell me why. Even if there was, I don't think I would've asked. I was far, far too scared they would laugh or that I was permanently fucked up in some way. I guess I am, but I wasn’t ready to hear it when I was thirteen.”

Geoff almost wants to cry listening to the story. “Awsten. You’re not fucked up.”

“It's okay, Geoff,” Awsten scoffs. “I find it comforting to call myself fucked somehow, I think. It'd be hard to explain but I’m sure if I said that in an interview there would be people out there who knew what I meant.” Geoff just listens, sitting quiet and hoping the younger will continue. 

“When I was 14, I came across agere content on the internet for the first time. I knew it resonated, but I didn't want to encroach on a community I wasn't sure I was apart of, so I convinced myself I related the same way I would comment “same” on a TikTok of a piece of bread falling over, but soon after that, I met my first boyfriend and he regressed too. He was already well aware of what it was, so when it happened around him the first time, he took care of me and then after basically smacked some sense into me, telling me what was going on. The first time it happened was actually in our math class. I remember crying on the floor in his lap while they were going over systems of equations. That boy was an absolute piece of shit, but he never did fuck with my regression. I don't think I’ll ever be able to forgive him for what he did, but I’ll always be grateful he didn't hurt me while I was small.”

“Awsten…” Geoff fights against the cracks in his voice. “I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t you,” Awsten replies matter-of-factly. 

“Awsten? Can I ask what he did to you?”

It seems as though there may even be a glint of a tear in his eye as Awsten responds. “He was older. He didn’t… he didn’t do anything I didn't want– at least at first, but he lied to me about a lot of it,” He says quietly. “He didn’t listen when I told him he was hurting me during… things. I’m still not sure what to call what he did to me. I just didn’t want to lose my virginity to a hookup, so I made him promise he was going to stick around, but he was cheating on me the whole time.”

Geoff waits because it seems like Awsten has more to say. He does, but he continues just barely above a whisper. “One friend called it ‘rape by deception.’ I just– I feel like that’s too strong of a word for what happened, but anything else just discounts what he did. I have fucking PTSD from it, it must have been something.”

“Honey,” Geoff says. He stops after just the one word though, unsure how to continue. 

“It’s okay, Geoff. It’s been twenty years. I can get over myself. God, I’m sorry about this fucking tangent. you just asked how i started regressing.”

“I knew that might be a charged question, Aws. It's fine. Go ahead,” Geoff tries to reassure.

Awsten wipes any hint that he may have cried away and shakes his head as if trying to clear the thoughts. “After that, I regressed a lot. I couldn't help it. It happened for hours each day as I just tried anything to be okay again. Sometimes, it would happen in class and later I would find little drawings in my notebooks or chemistry notes that appeared to have been taken by a five year old. Since then, it just fluctuates. When times are tough, it happens more and it’s more likely to happen involuntarily. When things are okay, I don't need it as much. If I just want it, sometimes I’ll regress intentionally. That can be nice sometimes,” Awsten seems to finish.

“Oh wait,” he starts. “I wanted you to know you're the only person who's ever known about this other than that boyfriend.”

Oh my God. He must’ve been terrified when I found out originally. I can't believe he's letting me be his carer after what happened. Fuck, I’m never leaving this motherfuckers side. 

“Oh Aws. Thank you for trusting me.”

“You got it, man,” Awsten jokes. “Seriously though, thank you. The way you held me? I think you healed half my childhood trauma just like THAT,” he snaps his fingers and chuckles.

Lost in thoughts, Geoff asks another question. “Have you ever written a song about it?”

“Man, you're full of questions today,” Awsten teases. “I think I've referenced it, but never in a way you couldn't deny. In Peach when I say ‘hating myself for needing someone so bad and feeling dumb dumb dumb dumb?” Yeah, that's sort of about being clingy and desperate when I feel small. I think I talk about it a little in Hawaii? Yeah, yeah it's some line about feeling in slow motion or something. I think if the fans knew, they would think some stuff like Fruit Roll Ups or some shit is about it, but it’s not. I definitely write about it in ways people wouldn't notice or expect.”

“You know I’m going to start watching out for it now, right?” Geoff says.

“Yeah I know because you're a little bitch,” Awsten snaps back.

Pretending to smack Awsten in the back, Geoff laughs out a “Says you!”

Sarcastically, Awsten drags out the bit. “Okay, okay. How do you cope with your shit then, Geoff? If you don’t mentally return to the state of a child, how on earth are you dealing with your feelings?”

“Actually? You,” Geoff replies, slamming the door on any humor lacing their conversation. 

Maybe I shouldn't have said that. 

Processing what his best friend just said, Awsten watches how the sunlight strikes his face through the translucent curtains in their hotel room. He looks soft. He looks like there should be hands cupped around his jaw and a thumb stroking his cheek. His hair looks like someone should be running their fingers through it.

I wonder what runs through his head as he thinks about me, Geoff thinks as Awsten stares. Geoff watches how the sun hits the back of Awsten’s head and makes the rays filter through his colored hair. It makes the unruly bits appear to glow like embers and the fluff in the front casts pale orange onto the white hotel sheets.

It feels like hours they just sit and look at one another, but in reality, it's only seconds before Awsten responds. “I’m glad I help. I want to be there for you, you know.”

“I know,” Geoff says softly as he reaches a hand up to smooth the tufts of Awsten’s hair down, unable to resist. “After the shows on those few nights when you just talk and talk? I love those. I just get to sit back and listen. I love listening to you, Awsten. It gives my brain a break, I guess.” He tries to say it jokingly, but the truth shines through. Geoff knows Awsten can tell he wasn’t fucking around. “I really loved caring for you too. It was nice to feel needed.”

“It’s really not annoying? I understand that you care about me and you might do it anyway, but you genuinely enjoyed it?” Awsten questions almost incredulously. 

Geoff smiles. “Yes, Aws. I really liked it. You’ve got such big stuff going on all the time. It was so nice to see you relaxed and calm. Seeing you melt into my lap when I was holding you? You looked so at peace and I don't know if I’ve seen you like that since we were teenagers. And I could fix all your problems. You have no idea how much I hate when I know you’re dealing with something and I can’t do shit about it. When your biggest problem was wanting something in your mouth and I just needed to help you put your thumb in your mouth and you’d feel better? It was so great.”

Awsten’s eyes widen briefly before he gets it under control. “Jesus, that's embarrassing for me.”

“Yeah, yeah. You're cute small!” Geoff says and Awsten makes a whole show of his aversion to being called cute. 

“You’re worse than the fans calling me babygirl!”

“No, that's hilarious.”

“Oh you motherfucker,” Awsten shoots back. Then he pauses. “Do we need to get on the bus?”

Geoff checks his phone to find messages from Jawn, Lucas and Otto. “It appears so.”

Awsten laughs and flops back down on the bed. “Fuck, man!”

“Awsten! Why are you laying back down? We need to go!

“Carry me?” Awsten jokes, batting his eyelashes. 

“And you wonder why they call you babygirl,” Geoff responds, rolling his eyes. At that, Awsten drags himself out of bed and throws on a back tank and some gray jeans. “You’ll kill the fans if you let them see your arms, Awsten. Don’t you have any sympathy for them? They might not survive.”

“I know man! It’s hilarious because Jullian can perform shirtless and none of them bat an eye and as soon as they see my arms we’ve got people unconscious in the pit,” Awsten adds.

“Okay,” Geoff continues. “They definitely bat an eye when Julian takes his shirt off because I bat an eye when Julian takes his shirt off.”

“Geoff! Dude! Since when do you say that shit!?” Awsten yells, losing control of his volume while throwing his things into a bag to bring down to the tour bus. “I’m telling him you said that. No. Better yet, I’m going to tweet that you said that.”

“Go for it. You’ve ruined your credibility after tweeting that I was drawing selfcest of you and soulsucker,” Geoff quips. 

Awsten dramatically glares at the floor. “Damnit. If it isn't the consequences of my own actions.”

“Hey assholes, hurry it up, we're all waiting on you,” comes Jawn’s voice through the door. Sharing a glance, the two hurry out, Geoff apologizing profusely and Awsten explaining graphically the kind of sex they were [not] having with the utmost dramatic sarcasm. 

Geoff listens to the jokes and walks just a few steps behind, just content to watch how awstens mouth curls when he laughs at his own jokes. 

I’m screwed.

Two updates in 24 hours? I'm spoiling you guys!

Love you all!

Reese

[gravitren]

His smile and optimism? Gone

[user-needs-new-hyperfixation]

Headcanon time!

On the subject of onesided Albert>>William.

TW for canon-typical mental health issues, me piling my own religious trauma on Albert, and pseudo-incestuous stuff I guess.

This is probably projection tbh. I relate profoundly to my interpretation of young Albert. Having been an adolescent in a deeply religious subculture, most of my teenage crushes were retrospectively very weird and fraught. Always a combination of sexual angst and misdirected worship and a sort of maudlin reveling in my own misery.

Being like 13-16 and already aware that the goal of any interest should be marriage and children and (when you’re AFAB) finding someone to be the “spiritual head” of your household *zones out briefly, war documentaries playing behind my eyes* puts a lot of pressure on what would otherwise be mild crushes and attractions. And as funny as it might sound to say, I think young Albert’s feelings for young William are not dissimilar to those of a little girl raised deep in complementarianism. He is a literal child looking at another literal child and thinking “Are you the one who can lead me to God be my god?” And that’s always, always a disaster waiting to happen.

So yes, I do actually think that Albert had a thing for William in the early years. And while the neo-puritan tiktok kids would surely disagree, I don’t even think it’s really that weird. Stick two non-blood-related adolescents who were not raised as siblings into a house together and sprinkle in some trauma-bonding and I’d bet good money that it’s downright normal for one if not both to develop a crush. The age difference is actually the more potentially problematic element in those early years if we’re speculating on a sexual attraction -- three years is waaay more significant in the tweens/early teens than it is in later decades -- but given that (from my own experience with similar mental health issues) Albert was likely running a couple of years behind developmentally and William was a couple of years ahead, and that I am NOT suggesting anything actually happened between them, I’m not too worried about it.

Albert being Albert, though, I think he gnaws away at himself with guilt over his feelings as if they actually had been born and raised as brothers. I think he thinks of himself as perverse for those feelings. I think that even as an adult he is never entirely unattracted to William and that he loathes himself for that.

Anyway this is part of why I really like MycAl as a ship. Because Mycroft is so very staid and practical and grounded. So rooted in reality, while Albert is so easily lost in morbid fantasies of his own inherent wickedness. I really think Mycroft could just take all the wind out of Albert’s self-hatred sails. (I wrote a version of this in Meander.) There’s something very funny-sad about Albert tearfully confessing that his darkest secret isn’t the plotting and the vigilantism and the murders but rather that William was the first person he ever wanted to kiss, and Mycroft is like, “Yes and...??? Am I missing something here? You were a kid experiencing some degree of romantic and physical attraction to another kid, who you did not meet until you were an adolescent, and that is strange...how exactly?”

Which naturally makes Albert bluescreen.

[seijorhi]

Reminiscent

i’m (semi) back, y’all, and i come bearing a fic!! fhdjhfjdk it’s for oikawa i won’t apologise

Oikawa Tooru x female reader

TW non-con, drunk/drugged reader, forced infidelity, emotional manipulation, angst, past trauma, coercion, mild(ish?) smut, nsfw

“F-fuck, cutie! Just like – hah– just like that!”

You weren’t the clubbing type.

Not usually, at least – but exams were over and one of your friends was fresh off a bad breakup, one night letting loose wouldn’t hurt.

Walking is… difficult, your steps are sloppy – there’s an arm wrapped around your waist, your own slung over a stranger’s shoulders. Why are you outside? Where are your friends – they… they promised they wouldn’t leave you. 

“She good, dude?”

A soft, pretty laugh rumbles at your side, “Yeah, she’s gonna be just fine.”

And you remember the bar, the overpriced cocktails and the saccharine sweetness of strawberry liquor on your tongue. The dizzying lights and the bass that thumped so loudly you felt it reverberate in your chest. You knew the rules; they’d been drilled into you since you were sixteen years old.

Stick together, don’t accept drinks from strangers, and watch the one in your hand like a hawk - it doesn’t leave your sight.

A tongue between the valley of your breasts, long fingers curling up inside of you. 

“You like that, huh pretty girl? You gonna cum for me?”

They wouldn’t have just abandoned you, right? Maybe you told them to go. Maybe they thought you wanted it; to go home with the handsome stranger.

You never had the guts to ask them, never spoke about that night again. Not to anyone.

Pain. Something thrusting inside of you, splitting you open while he moans and pants atop you. It hurts so much and you want it to stop. 

Please stop. Please. Please. Please.

You’re begging, at least you think you are, but the words come out jumbled and wrong, and he just laughs, hiking up your thigh so he can fuck you deeper.

Why won’t he stop?

When you wake up, bruised and sore and all alone in your bed, it feels like a bad dream. You know it’s not – not with cum still seeping from between your thighs, the scent of the stranger’s cologne clinging to your sheets.

And you scrub your skin raw in the shower, but it isn’t enough to rid you of his touch.

—

It’s nothing like what they show on tv.

There’s no sympathetic detective to pat you on your shoulder while you break down, swearing that they’ll find the man who did this and you’ll get your justice.

You don’t go to the cops because you’ll know what they’ll say. You were drunk, drugged, and even if you could remember what he looked like (his eyes were brown, you think, and there’s a flash of a smirk in your head but the moment you try to focus on it it slips away like smoke) any evidence of rape washed down the drain the moment you stepped into the steaming shower.

At least… that’s what you tell yourself. It’s easier than admitting you’re terrified of judgemental eyes. 

Or worse; pitying ones.

So you pretend that nothing happened. You show up to your classes and throw yourself into studying, make the time to get coffee with your friends, you even pick up a part time job – it’s good to keep busy. 

The nightmares are just that; nightmares.

And things are fine, until they’re not.

—

“Baby, you’re here!!”

There’s barely time to drop your bags before she’s pulling you into a warm hug. “Hi mom,” you reply, squeezing her back.

When she draws back to take you in, one hand cupping your cheek, she frowns, “You look tired sweetheart. Have you been sleeping enough?”

“Yeah, just tired from exams and stuff.”

She looks unconvinced, but mercifully doesn’t push the issue. Of course, you don’t tell her that you missed your last two exams because you’d walked past some guy wearing that same cologne and just choked – that instead of finishing off your semester strong, you’d spent the day alternating between throwing up and crying in bed.

She doesn’t need to know that, because of that, you’ll probably fail both classes and have to retake them again next semester on top of an already full course load. It’s fine; you’ll figure it out.

For now, you work on matching her enthusiasm at having you home, grabbing your bags to bring them inside and into your old room.

“Oh, wait–”

Abruptly, you pause, gazing in confusion from the doorway of your bedroom. There’s a duffle bag lying open and empty atop your bed, a tangled jump rope, some weights, an empty bottle, a sweat towel – even what looks like a spare workout tee scattered haphazardly across the sheets.

“… I didn’t take you for a gym junkie, mom.”

She stops behind you, sighing. “It’s not mine it’s– Tooru said he was going to tidy it up, sorry sweetheart.” She sweeps past you to start tidying it up, but not before you catch sight of her wide eyed, deer in headlights expression.

And you can’t help the lone eyebrow that rises, falling back against the doorframe, arms folding across your chest. “Tooru, huh?” you grin, “And who might Tooru be?”

The flustered, almost guilty look she sends you makes you want to laugh – this is easy, comfortable, this you can do – but you restrain yourself. Just. “Tooru is… he’s– well, he’s the man I’m… seeing.”

She admits it like she’s confessing to a crime, eyes all wide and nervous; anticipating your reaction. And you suppose it’s not unwarranted. As far as you’re aware, she’s been alone ever since the day your dad walked out on you both – raising you was always the priority, or maybe the excuse. But you’re not fourteen anymore, you don’t need another father figure or every spare bit of her time and attention, and she doesn’t need your approval for this.

So you smile at her, “Is he nice?”

She lights up, her features – almost a mirror image of your own – softening as she beams, “He’s amazing, honey. I honestly don’t know how this whole thing really happened, or why he’s even interested in someone like me but… I lucked out with him.”

And so it goes, you prying little bits of information about the mysterious Tooru as the afternoon passes.

She tells you that they met a few months back, at the bakery she likes in town – and how she kept running into him; at the grocery store, and then at the park, and then on her way back from yoga that one night.

She tells you that he’s a terrible flirt, all smooth and charming with warm, pretty brown eyes, but he’s a good man beneath it all and she’s never met anyone like him. 

It strikes you, as you watch your mom animatedly talk about him, that you’ve never seen her look like this before. 

Happy. 

She can’t stop smiling, and when you look at her, really look, she’s almost a different person – younger somehow, a bit more care-free. It suits her, and you wonder with a slight pang in your heart how you never noticed how lonely she was before.

And she’s adamant that they’re taking things slowly, that he still has an apartment of his own in town – which to be honest, you really aren’t gonna judge her on either way – but it is kind of funny simply because whether your mom realises it or not, it’s clearly a lie.

The subtle reclaiming of your bedroom aside, there’s traces of Tooru scattered all around the house; the extra toothbrush and aftershave you’d spotted in the bathroom, the men’s  shoes and the jacket by the door, red wine in the cupboard when your mom’s only ever indulged in white.

You haven’t been into her bedroom, but at this point you’d hazard a guess that there’s at least one drawer full of Tooru’s clothes, probably half her closet cleared out for him as well.

“He’s coming for dinner, but I just wanted today to be just us,” she says, reaching across the couch to squeeze your hand. And you’re grateful for it, because you’re happy for her – you are – but you’re not so sure how you would’ve handled meeting the stranger holding your mother’s heart first thing. At least, not after the last few days.

Not when you still feel all… brittle. 

—

Tooru arrives a little after seven, and to say that he’s not entirely what you were expecting is kind of an understatement. 

She’d gushed about how tall and handsome he is – though personally, you think pretty’s the more accurate word, what with his soft, delicate features, perfect cupid’s bow lips and all. What she’d neglected to tell you was that the man in question, stepping through the front door with a faint smile on his face, has to be at least ten years younger than her, mid-thirties at most.

Suddenly, your mom’s initial reluctance to bring him up starts to make sense.

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” he murmurs, stopping by your mom to drop a fleeting kiss to her cheek before warm brown eyes turn to you. 

Your heart stutters.

“Sweetheart,” your mom begins, slipping an arm around his waist and relaxing into his side, “this is Tooru– Oikawa,” she corrects herself.

He smiles at you, friendly and charming, “It’s great to finally meet you, your mom’s told me so much – all good things, of course!”

You force yourself to smile in return, “Yeah, you too.” 

There’s nothing overtly wrong with Oikawa, age difference aside – your mom’s clearly head over heels in love with the guy and on a surface level he seems nice enough, but you find yourself glad for the fact that he doesn’t make a move to step closer, try to shake your hand or god forbid hug you or something like that.

He’s nothing but a gentleman as your mom steps back into the kitchen to finish off dinner, setting the table without being prompted, pouring a glass of wine for your mom and one for himself before he offers a glass to you. 

“Oh, no I’m alright, thanks.”

You don’t drink so much anymore. He shrugs, like it’s no big deal but your mom pouts at you from the kitchen. “C’mon, sweetie. We’re celebrating tonight! One drink won’t hurt.”

“We’re celebrating?” you ask.

She throws you a wink, gaze softening as she turns to glance at Oikawa, already diligently pouring you a glass, “Of course we are. It’s not every day my girl comes home, and it’s nice having you both here with me.”

Oikawa’s fingers brush against yours for a fleeting second as he passes you the glass, and you have to fight to keep yourself from ripping your hand away. It’s nothing, you just– you’re not good with strangers touching you, and as nice as he is and as much as your mom might be infatuated with him, he is still a stranger.

“Absolutely,” he agrees, a playful twinkle in his eye as he clinks his wine glass against yours. “So you’re at uni, right? What are you studying?”

Uni’s the last thing you want to be thinking about right now, but whether or not Oikawa genuinely cares, he’s obviously trying to make an effort to get to know you. For your mother’s sake, grinning innocuously in the kitchen as she adds the last little touches to dinner, you suck it up, plaster a smile across your face and ignore the twinge of discomfort in your gut.

You can handle one night of small talk.

—

You wake the following morning to the sound of voices carrying down the hall.  

Not your mother’s – both are too deep, and your mom left a few hours ago for work. Figuring that one of them at least is likely Oikawa, you pull on a thin, satin robe over your pajamas, tying the sash in a loose knot before you slip from the room.

Those suspicions are proven correct; you round the corner to find Oikawa sitting up at the kitchen counter, a warm cup of coffee in his hand. There’s another man, a touch shorter, but imposing with dark, spiky hair and olive green eyes standing on the other side, hands braced on the marble top, glaring at Oikawa.

They both look up at the sound of your hesitant approach, the stranger abruptly straightening up, while Oikawa merely grins.

“Ah, you’re up,” he observes cheerfully, taking a sip of his coffee.

Your eyes flicker between him and the stranger – clearly comfortable enough in your home and with Oikawa, despite the faint, lingering irritation still visible on his face – and as your cheeks warm, you find yourself wishing you’d put actual clothes on before coming out to investigate.

“I- I heard voices…” you trail off, awkwardly folding your arms over your chest. “Is mom–”

“At work,” he supplies. “Do you want some breakfast? Coffee, maybe?”

You risk another glance at the other man, watching you now with an unreadable expression, dark eyebrows furrowed. You swallow uncomfortably, shifting slightly as you shake your head. “No, I-I’m okay.”

And in an instant, a flash, something like recognition passes through those olive eyes. 

 Oikawa chuckles smoothly, finally tearing his eyes away from you to address his friend, “Iwa, stop being so rude. You’re scaring the poor thing.”

The stranger, Iwa, just scoffs. “You’re a real piece of shit, y’know?”

If he’s bothered by the scathing insult, Oikawa doesn’t show it, merely shrugging before turning his attention back to you with a smirk. “Ignore him, he’s just pissy this morning.”

You’d have to be a complete idiot not to sense the uncomfortable tension between the two of them – and now you. This is your home, but it feels like you’re intruding, like you’ve stumbled into a conversation you have no business hearing, but even if you wanted to leave your feet are rooted to the ground. 

“Besides,” Oikawa continues, “he was just leaving anyway, weren’t you, Iwa?” It’s almost a purr, the way he speaks, but even the silken words can’t entirely mask the razor sharpness that lies beneath. 

Goosebumps prickle along your arms.

Staring at you, Iwa opens his mouth like he wants to say something, but seemingly thinks better of it, snapping it shut with an audible click. He huffs, shaking his head. “Yeah, fine, whatever.”

He spares you another glance on his way out, standing frozen by the hall. For a split second he slows, his scowl softening just a fraction–

“Iwa.”

It sounds like a warning, but he only rolls his eyes and huffs again. You think he’s going to walk out without another word to either of you, but he pauses once more, lingering by the entryway.

“You look a lot like your mother, anyone ever tell you that?”

He’s out the door before you can even think to reply, letting it slam shut in his wake. And you flinch at the harsh sound, something uneasy settling into the pit of your stomach–

“Hey,” Oikawa’s there by your side, his fingers entwining with yours. You hadn’t even heard him move. “Come sit, don’t worry about Iwa. He’ll get over it.”

His voice is soothing, you don’t pay attention to the words themselves, the implications there. You forget for a moment that you’re still in your pj’s, that you really don’t know him that well either, and mindlessly follow when he leads you to the couch and sits you down, taking the seat next to you.

And while your head’s still spinning, an uncomfortable feeling gnawing in the pit of your gut, Oikawa seems entirely unbothered by the turn of events, sighing contentedly as he stretches his long legs out, one arm sliding along the back of the couch behind you.

“Do your… friends usually just drop by like that?”

You don’t know where the words come from, or why that’s the first question on your mind, but when you glance over at him, Oikawa’s just watching you, an odd little half smirk playing on his lips. “Sometimes.”

His answer does little to soothe your unease. It’s really not a big deal, you know it’s not. Officially or not, this is his home too – you’re the one out of place. And if he wants to have people over when your mom’s not around, that’s fine, he can do whatever the hell he wants, but… 

You came home for peace. To hide away for a few days and pretend that everything’s just fine and you’re not one breakdown away from shattering entirely. You wanted your mom and the comfort of your old bedroom and safety and it’s fine – great, even – that she’s found somebody who makes her happy, but this– him and the weirdness with his friend and everything is just too much, and–

You don’t realise that your leg’s bouncing until Oikawa’s hand comes to rest on your bare thigh. It’s enough to make your stomach flip, an icy chill trickling down your spine as his thumb slowly strokes across the soft, plush skin. “Relax, cutie,” he coos, chuckling softly when you visibly flinch and squeeze your eyes shut.

“P-please don’t call me that,” you choke out, fighting against the wave of nausea rising up your throat. And it’s just like last time, his cologne, notes of vanilla and cedar and spice, swirling thick and heady around you. That phantom touch, the warmth of hands gripping too tight, unwanted kisses hot and eager against your skin. 

“No?” he asks, cruel amusement dripping from his tone. “Why not? I think it suits you, cutie.”

You want him to stop, to push him away, slap him – do anything really, but you’re frozen in place, shaking as the memories you’ve fought so hard to shove down come bubbling back to the surface. You can’t think straight, not with his hand sliding between your thighs, the warmth of his body pressing too closely against yours.

“Iwa was right, you know,” Oikawa murmurs, smoldering brown eyes drinking you in as you childishly shake your head, willing him away. His other hand catches your cheek, drawing your face back to him as tears well in your eyes, stubbornly clinging to your lashes. “She does look so much like you, the same eyes even.” 

He whispers it like a secret, nuzzling his nose against yours like a lover would as he sighs sweetly, “It’s the only reason I could stand it.”

And then he’s kissing you, the tenderness of his lips belied by iron fingers digging into your jaw when you whimper and try to wrench yourself free. 

It’s not like the nightmares that startle you awake in the middle of the night, gasping for air; hazy, broken recollections that fade the moment you try to reach for them. No, every touch, every moment of his assault passes in stark clarity.

The feel of Oikawa’s mouth as it trails greedily down your neck, his hand sliding under the cotton of your sleep shorts, even his pleased little hum when he realises you’re not wearing panties. “Such a good girl for me. Fuck, I’ve missed this.”

This time there’s no drugs in your system keeping you pliant and helpless, but that doesn’t make a difference. Not when his words echo in your head, playing again and again until every awful, sickening piece falls into place.

Long, nimble fingers stroke at your folds, and you can’t help the shivery gasp that leaves you when the tip of his middle finger sweeps over your clit. 

“Please– please don’t do this,” you sniffle.

Oikawa presses another fleeting kiss to your shoulder, “Shh, none of that. Let me help you, baby.”

“N-no, I don’t, I don’t– Stop!”

Knocking away the hands that try to push him back, he hooks his fingers over the hem of your shorts and slides them down your legs, your pitifully weak struggles only making things easier for him. It’s only when Oikawa reaches for his own zipper that panic truly strikes home.

You can’t just lie here and let this happen again. You won’t.

And like a switch flipped, you start to trash like a wild thing beneath him, the scream you’ve kept buried inside of you for months ripping itself free from your throat–

Only for the fingers that had been toying with your pussy to be shoved down your throat, cutting you off with a choked gurgle. As you gag, fruitlessly try to tug yourself free, Oikawa leans in nice and close – except this time there’s no gentleness to his expression, nothing but viciousness as he grins and bares his teeth. 

“You wanna yell, pretty girl? Want the neighbours to come running, let them see me fuck you?” He grinds his hips against you, his breath shivery as he pants at the friction of his half hard cock against your side. Nausea twists at your gut, acrid and bitter – you want to be sick, to cry and beg with him to stop but with his fingers still stuffed in your mouth, his thumb digging into the soft underside of your jaw all you can manage is an unintelligible whine. He hums, kissing away the single hot tear that spills down your cheek, “You think if you cry loudly enough, mommy’ll come home and save you?”

And it’s like time stands still as he laughs, cruel eyes glinting when he presses down on your tongue, warm saliva pooling around his digits. “Such a little whore, trying to seduce her poor, innocent boyfriend the very moment her back’s turned. Tell me, cutie,” he coos, “who do you think she’d believe?”

Your breath hitches, another sob catching in your throat – even if you wanted to answer, you can’t and he knows it. “She’s in love with me, you know. It’s almost a little pathetic how easy it was to manipulate her into bed – so lonely… desperate for love, for somebody – anybody – to pay attention to her, take care of her,” he sneers, distaste curling at his lips. “Wouldn’t it just break her fragile little heart to know she’s fallen for the man who raped her baby girl?”

Another garbled cry slips past his fingers and you can only watch in frozen horror as his other hand drifts back to his zipper. “You want to protect her, don’t you?”

His grip relents just enough for you to jerk a shaky nod.

“Pretty girl, so good for me.” Another kiss pressed to your cheek as the quiet hiss of his zipper fills the air around you. “It’ll be our little secret, hmm? She doesn’t need to know just yet, let her be happy a little while longer…”

Sliding down his briefs just far enough for his cock to spring free, he strokes it for a moment with slow, leisurely movements, his tongue darting out to wet his lips as he watches your eyes widen. 

And when he pulls you forward, guides your mouth towards it, pre-cum beading at the tip, withdrawing his fingers so you can quickly gasp for air, you just… let him.

The fight’s gone, as quickly as it had come. 

You let his fingers curl through your hair, use it as an anchor when your lips part to force his cock between them. And he moans, low and shivery as your tongue slides along the underside of his shaft and you try not to gag around the sudden intrusion. 

You think that there’s no room left inside of you for shame, but as his other hand creeps back between your legs, teasing at your cunt, you burn with it, clinging to the pyre of your own humiliation and disgust.

And still, you kneel on the couch, letting him fuck your mouth, letting those long, pretty fingers curl up inside of you – moaning around his cock when they stroke that perfect little spot.

“I wanted to – shit – take this slow,” he tells you as his hips jerk upwards, shuddering in breathless delight when his cock hits the back of your throat and it convulses around him. “I wanted to make you want me.”

Wet, messy, gags sound with every unwitting thrust – you’ve no choice but to swallow him down, let him fuck your throat like you’re nothing more than a toy for his pleasure. There’s saliva coating your chin, dripping down the length of his dick, pooling around his balls. You can barely breathe, a task made even harder when Oikawa decides to add his thumb into the mix, teasing your clit while he fucks you apart on his fingers.

It feels so fucking good, and you’ve never hated yourself more.

Your throat burns, hot tears stinging in the corners of your eyes, and yet he’s intent on driving you to the brink of your sanity with every calculated flick of his wrist. Something tightens in your belly, a spring coiled too tight, ready to snap, and you can’t help it when your hips chase his fingers, the needy, shameful little whimpers that leave your lips (still wrapped around his thick, twitching cock) as you search for the pleasure to temper the discomfort.

“You don’t have a clue what you do to me, do you? I could barely sleep last night–” 

You choke back a moan, your pussy clenching around his digits, sucking them deeper as white spots pepper your vision and you shudder out a moan.

“So pretty when you cum for me,” he pants, but you don’t care – can’t, not when you’re riding his fingers, tongue lolling out as he gives you a moment’s reprieve to bask in the rippling afterglow of your orgasm before everything comes crashing back down around you. 

Oikawa lets you fall back against the cushions, breathless, trembling and dazed. You’re not stupid enough to believe that’s the end of it, not when his cock’s still hard, throbbing against his toned stomach when he gives it a slow, cursory pump.

“Lie back, cutie,” he whispers, keeping his eyes fixed on you as he pushes himself up off the couch to shed the rest of his clothes.

And as you shuffle obediently downwards, heart hammering in your chest, you find you can’t tear your eyes away from him either.

Tall and handsome, she’d said, but the words truly don’t do him justice. A body corded with lean, powerful muscle, golden, sun-kissed skin, a light smattering of dark hair trailing from his navel down past the well defined V of his hips… 

“See something you like?” he teases, smirking when you squeak and childishly jerk your face away, cheeks burning. “It’s okay to look, you know. I don’t mind the attention.”

It feels too soft, too intimate for what this is. 

This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. He’s not supposed to be attractive, or to make you enjoy your own assault, and you– you’re supposed to fight it, fight him instead of just lying there and taking it… 

But when he climbs back onto the couch, easing your still trembling thighs apart to settle himself between them, his touch is nothing short of reverent, dark eyes wide and adoring as you squirm uneasily beneath him. 

With one hand braced on the cushion beside you, his cock resting just above your aching sex, he leans forward, easing your top up past your tits. “Perfect,” he murmurs.

And it’s enough to make a fresh bout of humiliated tears spring to your eyes. Your hands curl into useless fists at your side as he settles back onto his knees and takes his cock in hand, hissing in pleasure when he glides the flushed, leaking head along your slick folds.

“Fuck, cutie. I don’t think I’m gonna last,” he laughs, biting down on his bottom lip as he watches hot, fat tears slip down your cheeks. With an agonisingly slow pace, Oikawa lines himself up with your cunt and presses in – even with how wet you are, one orgasm already wrung from you, the stretch burns and you can’t stop the choked gasp that leaves you.

His eyes flutter shut, head thrown back back as inch by inch his cock sinks into your pussy until finally he bottoms out with a satisfied groan. “Perfect for me, so fucking good,” he pants, and you barely have time to drag in a breath before his hips are drawing back, another desperate, strangled mewl escaping you.

Bruising fingers dig into your waist, Oikawa cursing as your plush little cunt flutters maddeningly around him– before he eagerly slams his cock forward, stuffing you full once more.

And as you sob and whimper between every wet, obscene squelch of his dick fucking into your soaked pussy, that all too familiar, shameful heat begins to pool in your core.

“Gonna cum for me again, cutie?”

[angstyandromanticwriting]

Barbie/Barbra Handler X Fem!Reader Angsty, Cute, and Fluffy Prompt

• Occurs after the events of the film

• There will be more!

!TW: Implied suffering from depression + anxiety + separation anxiety, mention of being threatened by an ex and family + of being previously assaulted (by them) + of previously being abused by family and ex + of previously being treated poorly by family and gaslit, self put-down(s) + hint(s) of self-doubt, having alcohol poisoning/mention of alcohol poisoning + being ill, implied having an alcohol addiction + mention of substance abuse (alcohol), presence of alcohol, implied previously attempting to commit suicide + elements of having suicidal intentions and suicidal consideration, insult, implied wanting to die, implied suffering from trauma/a form of PTSD due to past events, mild sexual references + implied sexual occurrence(s), having a panic attack, mention of liver failure + experiencing liver failure, presence of drugs (pills), hints of manipulation, throwing up, break-up(s) - If I’ve missed any, let me know ❤️!

“Hey,” Barbra cooed upon noticing you sitting alone in the kitchen, your face in your hands, prompting her to falter; she’d not been expecting to return home to you like this, and was evidently worried at you, though you couldn’t imagine why, quickly wiping your eyes whilst she warily approached you, a pained expression on her face; she hated seeing you like this, “Y-Y/n? What’s wrong, baby? Did you miss me?”

You couldn’t help, but smile softly up at her whilst she wrapped her arms around you, prompting you to subconsciously melt into her embrace whilst you rested your head comfortably upon her left shoulder, feeling better all of a sudden, as if you’d not recently received yet another threatening text from Jack after he’d found out about you talking to the police, and telling them that you had been attacked like he’d told you not to do, but you’d had no choice; Gloria and Sasha had heard your and Barbra’s previous conversation about you being attacked by your family - well, Jack, in particular, but you’d been too afraid to tell her that it was just him, guessing she’d confront him, if you did, and get hurt, alongside you. Just the thought of her getting hurt because of your own problem prompted your blood to run cold, and you to curse yourself for even allowing her to find out about your abusive ex-boyfriend and family.

“I always miss you when you aren’t here with me,” you mused, your voice briefly trembling whilst you did, and she would appear flustered for a moment, before smiling lovingly back down at you, and leaning down a little to press a kiss to the top of your head, somehow soothing you even further whilst you held her hands in both of your currently too pale ones, surprising her; your hands were so cold, but she wouldn’t even flinch, or make to pull her’s away; she was unperturbed by it, now; used to it - you’d been colder and paler than usual ever since you’d started developing alcohol poisoning, and she couldn’t bear to see it, her heart even now aching within her chest; she was terrified she might end up losing you, somehow, if you didn’t find a way to stop drinking like you had been continuing ‘secretly’ to do so; she’d unintentionally caught you a couple of times drinking whiskey outside in the garden of Gloria and her husband’s home as she often found herself waking up whenever she could feel or sense that you were no longer beside her in bed, but she found she couldn’t bring herself to confront you about it, worried about possibly encouraging you to drink even more by doing so. “I - I love you, Barb,” you whispered feebly, as if you were on the verge of breaking down again; you still couldn’t believe she was wasting her time on you like she had been ever since you’d both met outside of the Gynaecologists’ office, and fallen deeply in love with one another. She would frown upon hearing that you were trying not to cry again, wondering why; you were - unbeknownst to her, thinking about the new bottle of whiskey you’d bought, and hastily hid under the table upon hearing the front door open, and realising that Barbra had returned home earlier than she usually did from dropping Bailey off at Gloria’s mother’s house again - you weren’t exactly deemed fit to take much care of her yourself anymore ever since word had got out about you having alcohol poisoning yet again, and Barbra thought it the best thing to do as Gloria’s mother liked to have Bailey at her house with her, allowing Barbra to keep an eye on you a lot more recently to make sure that you were okay and to take care of you as best she could, wanting to try and prevent herself from losing you, somehow, to the best of her ability; she felt as if she couldn’t live without you, like you felt as if you couldn’t live without her, knowing that if you ever lost her you’d most likely try and take your life again, as you knew your life would most likely not be worth living if you found yourself without her again after your mother had revealed to you that you were a mistake, and had been abusing you alongside your father and ex ever since you’d been able to walk.

Barbra would blissfully entangle the fingers of her right hand within your hair whilst you subconsciously held her left hand within both of your’s, now; you loved to be making contact with her of any kind, finding you felt safe, warm, fuzzy, and more content than you’d ever been whenever you were with her, like you were, now, only quite a minimal gap between you both where the back of the chair was separating you from leaning against her completely. You then couldn’t help, but allow a strained sob to escape your lips whilst you buried your face into her left arm, beginning to cry quietly, prompting her heart to somehow sink even lower than it had, before - you wished you could be better for her, and knew you most likely never would be, considering how you believed yourself to be nothing, compared to her, and even now knew you were probably hurting her, and hated yourself for it; hated what you were doing to her. “Hey,” she cooed gently again, “b-babe, look at me-”

“You know I - I love you, r-right?” You mustered, your voice barely audible, and she would nod hastily whilst she buried her face into the crook of your neck to try and provide comfort to you; she was desperate to see you smile again; to hear you laugh again, and knew your neck was a ticklish area so she would playfully nuzzle it, and boop it with her nose occasionally, finally prompting a strained giggle to escape you whilst you connected the right side of your head to her left side affectionately, prompting her to beam over at you upon hearing you giggle; that she’d made you laugh again, and she would then take the opportunity to lean forward, and delicately connect her lips to your’s, prompting you to instantly melt into the kiss whilst butterflies began to flutter around in the depths of your stomach, and you loved it, your heart racing alongside her’s in the best way possible.

She would then connect her forehead to your’s once the kiss had sadly ended, her stunning icy blue eyes locking with your’s in a way that made you forget how to breathe for a moment whilst you admired her, wondering - like you always did - what you’d done to deserve someone as perfect as her. “Of course I do,” she she reassured you, “Y/n, you tell me you love me fifty times a day.”

You would wince, appearing embarrassed at yourself, before nodding faintly whilst you tried to hide that you had begun to blush alongside her, evidently flustered whilst she’d flustered herself by mentioning it; she couldn’t believe she’d found someone as good as you, and that she’d even managed to win you, like you couldn’t believe you’d found and scored her to love and to hold at your side until she had finally found someone better for her, prompting your heart to sink, but you would try and ignore the feeling by reminding yourself of how she deserved someone better than you; someone who could actually make her happy as you believed you were doing the opposite of that a lot of the time, instead burdening her even further and scaring her a lot more recently as a result of your seemingly worsening rather than improving health due to your still currently continual drinking habits and occasional threats from Jack as well as your abusive parents, only encouraging you to drink more than you ever had, before, hoping alcohol would finally take your life for Barbra and Bailey’s sake; they would both be free of you, then.

“Guess what?” She chimed, and you would be dragged out of your thoughts, expressing relief whilst you smiled warmly up at her, and would nod to show her that you were listening. “I love you, too, Snuggles,” she returned, and your heart would skip a beat; you’d still not got used to her saying that to you, and simply couldn’t believe it - how could someone perfect like her love a supposed nobody like you? She would then briefly connect her lips to your’s again, before recalling what she and Bailey had made together for you, beaming whilst she carefully took the daisy chain out of one of the pockets in her bag. “Here,” she offered it to you, and you would appear shocked, not expecting her to have done something like this for you, but you would allow her to carefully lay it on the palm of your right hand, knowing you couldn’t refuse it just because you believed you didn’t deserve it; you would no doubt upset her, if you tried, and you couldn’t allow yourself to upset her any further than you had, recently, “me and Bailey made it for you on the way to Gloria’s mother’s house; we saw that there were a few daisies so-”

“You need to stop doing things for me,” you managed faintly, your voice briefly trembling whilst you did, and Barbra would falter, a pained expression on her face, “I - I love it, but-.. it’s just.. I’m not-”

“No,” she interjected, before wrapping her arms around you again, and you would instantly melt into her embrace whilst she rubbed your back using her right hand, and found her eyes being invaded by tears; she couldn’t stand hearing you putting yourself down like you evidently had been about to, “w-whatever you were going to say, don’t do it, baby, please, because it isn’t true-”

“It is true, Barbie,” you contradicted dejectedly whilst her tears would slowly begin to stream down her cheeks, and she would find herself verging on breaking down into your right shoulder whilst she buried her face into it, “a-and everyone knows it: I’m not worthy of anything; n-not worthy of you, the love you give me; t-the time you decide to waste on me-”

“But I love wasting time on you,” she interrupted weakly, and you would falter, guessing that she had begun to cry, only making you feel worse about what you were doing to her again, “and you more than deserve me - you’re my soulmate, Y/n; I know you are, a-and I know that you find that hard to believe after everything your family and Jack did to you, but it’s true; we belong together, Snuggles, a-and we always will, I promise - I could never stop loving you the way that I do, now.”

You would subconsciously cling to her shoulders whilst you wondered what you’d done to deserve someone as good as her, a pained expression on your face whilst you did; you hated the way you were, and always had as you knew that you were hurting her, too, by putting yourself down like you constantly were, and drinking like you still were, except you weren’t aware that she knew, yet; you only knew that your health was still deteriorating as a result of it, and knew she’d have noticed that, by now, and would most likely be worried about it for what reason you couldn’t understand, finding yourself hoping that maybe she hadn’t noticed, and wasn’t worrying any more about you like she was, and was just trying not to tell you about her concerns for you to keep you happy to the best of her ability, hoping that maybe you being happy would deter you from drinking more than she knew you had been, recently.

“You’re warm,” you mustered feebly, and she would subconsciously smile softly against your shoulder, glad, “a-and do you want to know something else?”

“I’d love to,” she answered, and you would beam up at her whilst blood began to rush to your cheeks; she always had this effect on you, and you couldn’t help, but revel in it.

“Y-You’re my favourite person; you always have been,” you admitted, and she would begin to appear flustered again whilst she affectionately connected her forehead to your’s, finding she revelled in being as close to you as she possibly could be, “e-even before I realised that you’re my soulmate, Barb - and you always will be, n-no matter what.”

“I’m glad, because you are my favourite person, j-just don’t tell Gloria I said that-”

“Don’t worry, Barbie; Gloria can still be one of your favourite people - I don’t mind,” you reassured her, and she would express relief, prompting you to giggle softly, finding her reaction adorable.

“A-Are you sure? I don’t want to upset you-”

“Why would that upset me? Barb, you can have as many people as you like on your favourite list; I think it’s cute,” you insisted, and she would hesitantly give in, before smiling warmly over at you again, and leaning forward to kiss you, and you would instantly melt into the kiss. “So - what would you like to do today?” You inquired, and she would think about it for a moment, not sure, before growing to find herself flustered again at one suggestion she’d thought of. “They’ll all probably be out for a little while, so-”

“I - I have an idea,” she stated, and you would appear intrigued, tilting your head partially, “but we don’t have to do it if you feel like you can’t-”

“I feel like I’m up for anything - don’t worry about me,” you reassured her hastily, evidently desperate to hear her suggestion as she often only really got herself flustered like she was, now, over one specific thing - the possibility of fooling around together, and she would wince, embarrassed, before nodding timidly, and avoiding eye contact with you for a moment whilst she began to blush even more profusely, “what’s your idea? I’m sure I’ll love it, whatever it is; I couldn’t ever not love anything that involves me and you spending time together.”

“C-Can I whisper it in your ear?” She asked, and you would smirk, before nodding, and she would shyly bring herself to confirm your assumptions in a whisper, prompting you to nod whilst you grinned up at her again, before trying to effortlessly get up off of the chair you were currently perched upon, though you felt relatively weaker than usual, prompting Barbra to subconsciously wrap her arms around your waist to provide you with further support as she feared you possibly falling over, and getting yourself hurt again. “Are you sure you’re up for it; that you feel okay?” She pried, and you would nod hastily, whilst Barbra would try and force her doubts out of her mind.

“I feel fine, I promise,” you answered, and she would hesitantly give in, before beaming over at you again, “a-and if it makes you feel any better, I’ll tell you if there is something wrong.”

“You better,” she replied playfully, and you would lift an eyebrow, intrigued by what she would do, if you didn’t.

“What would you do, if I didn’t?” You questioned, and she would fluster you further by inching even closer to you, prompting you to forget how to breathe for a moment.

“Oh come on, Snuggles, don’t act like you don’t know,” she teased, and you would further try and appear puzzled though you longed to burst out laughing, amused by her teasing, and how it seemed to be something relatively quite new to her as her’s was the most adorable teasing you’d ever experienced, “I - I’d have to-.. erm..” She would then falter, beginning to stammer whilst she tried to hide her face from you; she’d evidently managed to fluster herself even more.

You would tilt your head again, before wrapping your arms around her once you’d inched closer to her, prompting her to fall quiet whilst she blissfully locked eyes with you. “What? Punish me?” You guessed, and she would wince, her cheeks redder than you had ever seen them before. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to saying it,” you cooed, before lifting your right hand up to her warm left cheek, prompting her to instantly melt into your touch whilst she smiled lovingly over at you, wondering what she’d done to deserve someone as good as you, though you believed yourself to be nothing, compared to her, “you’re adorable - you know that, right?”

“Not as adorable as you,” she answered, and you would make to protest, but before you could, she would surprise you by kissing you again a little more passionately whilst making sure it was still delicate; she was afraid of accidentally hurting you, somehow, and knew she would never be able to forgive herself if she did. Once the kiss had sadly ended, you would appear to be in a daze, your eyes glinting whilst they explored her’s in the best way possible. “And you’ll never convince me otherwise, so don’t even try,” she stated, certain of herself, and you would lift your eyebrows again, before affectionately connecting your forehead to her’s.

“Well guess what? You’ll never be able to convince me otherwise, either,” you replied, “but you’re welcome to try, like I know I will.”

“In that case - you’re on,” she remarked, before surprising you by managing to pick you up off of the ground as you were a little shorter than her, allowing her to carry you out of the room whilst you both occasionally giggled together and exchanged smaller as well as briefer kisses until you both had finally made it up the stairs, and could disappear into your and her bedroom together.

🜚🜸🜚

After you’d found yourself having a panic attack following a check up with your doctor, you would rush out of the building with tears streaming down your cheeks; you were terrified as she had basically informed you that your liver might soon end up failing if you continued the way you were, but you just felt as if you couldn’t stop; you had to keep drinking to try and rid yourself of the constant pain you found yourself in, especially when you were reminded of how you were basically nothing, compared to Barbra, and this would prompt you to look toward the road opposite the doctor’s office - it was tempting you. You could easily walk out onto it, and get yourself hit by a car, knowing Barbra would be able to find someone better than you if you did, but before you could begin to drag yourself toward it, determined to rid Barbra of you and the burdens you had been posing upon her, Bailey, and the others recently, your phone would begin to buzz, and you would falter, shakily taking your phone out of your bag to find that it was her calling you, surprising you; you didn’t think she would call so soon.

Unbeknownst to you, she’d actually got a bad feeling all of a sudden whilst she was out with Gloria, Sasha, and Bailey at the park; you’d insisted she go with them instead of you as you didn’t want to upset her, knowing that the news wouldn’t be good as you’d been continuously drinking, and hadn’t managed to stop like she’d been hoping you would. Your heart would sink upon even recalling how you had recently promised her that you would stop drinking completely, and had evidently broken your promise relatively easily shortly after you had offered it to her, making you feel even worse, and you would instantly begin to despise yourself even more for the way in which you had recently been behaving. Your thoughts would race to the road before you again, but your gaze wouldn’t drift away from her name on your phone, prompting a soft smile to play on your lips, before you allowed a strained sob to escape you, and would accept the call, hastily lifting your phone up to your right ear; you were desperate to hear her voice again, your heart racing whilst it also proceeded to ache at the same time as a result of your previous thoughts, and the question of why she was bothering to even call you like she currently was repeatedly circling your mind excruciatingly.

“Babe!” She chimed as soon as you’d picked up the phone, evidently glad to see that you were okay; that she’d not lost you like she had feared she had after she’d got the bad feeling she had a brief moment ago, before rushing away from the others, and calling you to make sure that you were okay. “A-Are you okay? I felt-.. I don’t know what it was, but - I felt something, a-and I panicked because I thought something happened to you,” she admitted, her voice briefly trembling, and you would frown whilst another sob fought to escape you, but you would try and fight it back to the best of your ability, “n-nothing happened, did it? Y-You’re okay, right? Do you want me to come and get you, a-assuming your appointment is over now?”

You then found you couldn’t take it anymore as you began to cry, leaning heavily against the wall behind you again whilst you sniffled, and sobbed in a strangled manner; you were struggling to breathe and it was panicking you again - most likely due to your alcohol poisoning. Barbra would then falter upon hearing that you were crying on the other side of the phone, a hurt look on her face whilst her heart began to ache alongside your’s; she wished she could be there with you, and would anxiously shuffle on the spot whilst looking over at the others, wondering whether or not Gloria would allow her to use her car so she could get to you, and comfort you to the best of her ability; she couldn’t let you suffer like this alone, knowing she’d never be able to forgive herself if she did.

“B-Baby? What’s - What’s wrong?” She asked, her voice soothing you instantly whilst you tried to calm yourself down, but felt unable to do so without her by your side; you longed to cling to her whilst you cried into the crook of her neck, and she held you close to her, making you feel safe and content again as if you hadn’t received the bad news you had, earlier, about the possibility of your liver failing you. “Talk to me, babe, please,” she begged, “I need to know that you’re okay-”

“I miss - miss you so much,” you managed shakily, and she would falter upon hearing your voice, her eyes glinting a little whilst she did; she’d also been missing your voice alongside you as you, too, had been missing her voice, ever since you’d dragged yourself out of the front door in the morning, and found yourself painfully no longer by her side, “I-.. I need you, Barb, I’m scared, I-”

“O-Okay,” she cooed gently, “it’s gonna be okay, baby, I promise; I’m gonna come and get you, just stay right there - you’re outside of the local hospital, right?”

“No,” you whined, “d-don’t worry, Barbie, I’ll try and get to you; I don’t want you to feel like you have to do that for me - you’ve already done too much, a-and I don’t deserve it-”

“You more than deserve it,” she contradicted, “stop saying stuff like that about yourself, because it’s far from true-”

“But-”

Barbra would find herself trying not to cry alongside you, a hurt look on her face; she hated hearing you putting yourself down like that all the time, and wished she could do more to prove to you that you were more than deserving of her love for you, and more than deserving of everything that she and the others had done, and would always do for you. “I wish I had known you sooner,” she mused dejectedly, and you would fall quiet, your heart sinking whilst you stared down at the ground, “I would have tried to-.. tried to stop them from hurting you like this..”

You would shake your head gravely whilst she drew in a shaky breath, and you couldn’t take it; you hated hearing her upset like this, especially when you knew it was because of you, paining you more than anything ever had, before, whilst more tears began to stream down your cheeks though your eyes were already sore from crying as a result of how you’d realised you’d upset her the way you evidently had by letting yourself break down in front of her again. “You wouldn’t have been able to stop them, Barbie,” you managed weakly, “they would have hurt you, too-”

“They wouldn’t,” she contradicted, “Y/n-”

“Besides,” you continued to the best of your ability, though you knew you were on the verge of breaking down again, a lump forming in your throat which was making it hard for you to breathe again whilst your heart was radiating an excruciating pain throughout your body, “they can’t hurt me anymore, n-not whilst-.. not whilst you’re here with me.”

You would then take a moment to recompose yourself whilst Barbra would begin to feel warm and fuzzy again, smiling faintly down at the ground; she was glad to hear that she made you feel safe, as well as stronger than you were, before, but also hoped subconsciously that you knew you were stronger without her, too; that she wasn’t the one making you powerful, something you could never bring yourself to believe; you were nothing, without her, and of that fact you were certain.

“You’re right,” she agreed confidently, “because there’s no way in hell that I’m ever gonna let them hurt you again; I love you, Y/n, and that’s also why I’m not gonna let you make your way here by yourself - see you in a bit!” And that was it - before you could protest, she had hung up, and was rushing back toward Gloria, Sasha, and Bailey to ask Gloria if she could borrow her car to pick you up outside of the hospital, to which she simply answered ‘of course’ whilst giving her the keys, and before she could say anything else, Barbra would exasperatedly respond with a hasty ‘thank you’, and then run back toward the entrance of the park which led out into the car park, and finally to Gloria’s car.

“Dang it,” you mustered in a voice close to a whisper; you worried about how she might react finding you in this state, the thought prompting you to hastily brush away your tears, knowing that you should - to avoid upsetting or disappointing her any further - stay and wait for her, and this was exactly what you did.

🜚

As soon as your gaze had fallen upon her, you would briefly forget how to breathe, your heart racing overwhelmingly whilst you admired her, and she would beam over at you as soon as she’d noticed you after parking Gloria’s car within one of the side roads opposite the hospital building. You would then smile lovingly back at her, before rushing to meet the embrace she longed to give you, and as soon as you’d both got close enough to one another, you would cling to each other, and hold one another close to the point that there were blissfully no more gaps left between you.

More tears soon found themselves invading your eyes whilst you rubbed her back using your right hand, beginning to feel guilty again for how you planned to try and lie about what the doctor had told you almost an hour ago, now, but you would try and remind yourself that you were doing it to try and protect her, except this reminder wouldn’t stop the tears from slowly rolling down your cheeks whilst you buried your face into her left shoulder, trying desperately not to break down again as you knew she’d be able to tell that something was wrong, if you did.

“Y-You know - I was just thinking about you,” you mustered, your voice briefly trembling, and muffled against her shoulder whilst she smiled softly down at you, and would lift her right hand to play with your hair, soothing you instantly whilst you revelled in the feeling, and revelled in currently being so close to her like you were, now.

“Really?” Barbra replied, as if she were surprised, and you would nod hastily, before shyly glancing up at her after you’d quickly wiped your sore eyes again, and she would falter when she noticed them; you’d been crying for a while - this was what she now knew. “That’s crazy,” she remarked, before subconsciously connecting her forehead to your’s affectionately, allowing you both to lock eyes again in the best way possible, amazed by one another as you both found you couldn’t speak without stammering, for a moment, whilst you admired each other. “‘Cause I was just thinking about you, too,” she remarked, prompting you to giggle softly whilst she tried to hide that her previous discovery of your sore eyes was paining her, forcing a faint giggle alongside your’s; she couldn’t believe she’d let you talk her out of going with you, earlier, and wished she hadn’t, now; wished she could have been here to comfort you throughout your session, and after it as she could tell that something had gone a certain way to make you react the way you had; make you cry, and panic like you evidently had been, before she had arrived. “The whole way here I was,” she added, and you would lift your eyebrows whilst smirking over at her, flustering, as well as paying her a little as she didn’t like to see that you were trying to hide your pain from her, “how could I not when you’re honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me?”

You would then falter, appearing flustered, yourself, now, alongside her, whilst blood rushed to your cheeks, and she would grin over at you, finding your reaction adorable. “T-The best?” You mused, and she would nod hastily, certain of herself whilst she held you at arm’s length, and was beaming over at you again. “But-”

“N-No - don’t, babe; no buts are allowed - you’ll never be able to change my mind,” she interjected gently, and you would nod gravely whilst you smiled weakly up at her, prompting her heart to sink a little; she hated seeing you like this, like you had been the day she’d first met you; you’d appeared as if you were broken, weak, and had lost everything whilst you tried to collect the spillage of pills and paper from your bag, and she couldn’t bear it; couldn’t allow you to go on suffering like you were whilst she timidly walked up to you in the car park outside of the Gynaecologists’ office, and would falter as soon as she’d got a little closer to you - you had looked back at her, and your eyes would instantly lock with her’s for an unusual amount of time, until she winced, realising she’d been staring over at you for a while, now, and would smile softly, prompting your heart to instantly skip a beat whilst you shyly smiled back at her though you were crouched over the mess that was your bag, paper, and pill bottles on the ground. “Hey,” she cooed gently whilst she eased you closer to her, and would connect her forehead to your’s again, wishing she could do more for you, somehow, “I love you, a-and I always will, I promise; you’re always gonna be everything to me - you just have to learn to live with it, somehow.”

“Learn to live with how I’m basically nothing, compared to you? That someone as perfect as you is in love with a nobody like me? How?” You questioned, and Barbra would frown again whilst her heart would ache excruciatingly alongside your’s. “That’s too hard to do - especially whenever you decide to do these random nice things for me, and remind me of how you deserve so much better; I can’t make you happy-”

“But you do,” she contradicted, “just you being here with me, a-and loving me the way I love you makes me the happiest woman on the planet, I swear-”

“Stop lying to me, Barb-”

“I’m not-”

“C-Can we go home, now?” You requested, your voice close to a whisper, and briefly trembling whilst she found herself trying not to cry alongside you, wondering what and how long it would take for her to prove to you that you were more than good enough for her; that she could only ever want, and love you - nobody else.

She would smile warmly back at you whilst she nodded, not wanting to upset you any further, especially after your appointment, and the reminder would prompt her to falter a little; you’d not yet told her about what had happened, but she would try not to ask until you’d both got to Gloria’s car, no matter how hard it was not to as she constantly found herself wishing she could blurt out the question which would either confirm, or put down her fears - were you going to be okay; getting better, even? The thought of you possibly being worse would prompt her blood to begin running cold; she couldn’t imagine her life without you in it, and was terrified of losing you, like you - too - were terrified of losing her; you both seemed to complete one another somehow, and you revelled in it, when you weren’t finding yourself thinking about how you weren’t good enough for her, and would never be able to keep her happy with you for forever.

“Of course we can,” she answered, and you would express relief, relaxing within her embrace even further, prompting her smile to grow a little; she was glad to see that you felt better, now, “but f-first just - let me-..” She would then grow flustered, prompting you to subconsciously smirk up at her, finding her reaction adorable. “Y-Y’know-..” She added faintly, and you would nod, before wrapping your arms around her waist again, easing her closer to the point your face was inches from her’s in the best way possible.

“You can kiss me,” you reassured her, and she would wince, before hastily lowering her head a little to try and hide the fact that she had begun to blush, “how do you do it? B-Be as adorable as you always are every day?”

“I should be asking you the same question,” she managed, before beaming back up at you, and affectionately booping the tip of your nose with her’s, “like I said yesterday, you’ll never be able to convince me that you aren’t the more adorable one here.”

She would then - before you could protest - lean forward to delicately connect her lips to your’s, prompting you to instantly melt into the kiss whilst you forgot how to breathe for a moment, and forgot even how to think, forgetting what you’d been about to say before she had kissed you whilst your heart blissfully raced alongside her’s. “I love you so much,” you blurted out once the kiss had sadly ended, your right hand resting on her left cheek whilst you connected your forehead to her’s, wishing you could both stay like this forever, “a-and I always will, I promise, just-.. p-promise me something.”

“Anything,” she replied, and you would smile lovingly over at her again, “because I love you, too, Snuggles, and I would honestly do anything for you.”

You would try not to appear surprised whilst beginning to feel warm and fuzzy alongside her, your eyes glinting a little upon them locking with her’s again in the best way possible. “I - I would do anything for you, too,” you mustered, whilst you began to wonder what you had done to deserve her yet again, prompting your heart to ache even more, but you would try and hide that it was paining you as you didn’t want to upset her any further than you could tell you already had, “just-.. p-promise me you’ll-.. you’ll stay, b-because I-.. I honestly can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

She would smile warmly over at you again whilst she began to play with your hair using her right hand, soothing you even more, somehow, whilst you subconsciously let your head lean into her warm and soft touch. “Why wouldn’t I stay? I’m happiest only when I’m with you,” she reminded you, and you couldn’t help, but doubt that, though you hated yourself for doing so; hated that you thought she could never feel that way around you when that was all that you had ever wanted to do; you’d always wanted to make her happy, and to treat her like the princess you viewed her, and always would view her to be. “I love you, Snuggles, and I promise you’re never gonna have to try and live without me because I can’t imagine my life without you in it, either, a-and I don’t ever want to have to try, s-so-.. you’re never gonna lose me, ever - it’s me and you against the world, babe, and that’s never gonna change, o-okay? Ever - you trust me, don’t you?”

“More than anything,” you expressed, and she would express relief, glad that still trusted her as sometimes she feared you didn’t whenever you tried to hide things like what your family or ex had done to you, and also tried to hide from her anything about your recent drinking habits that you had been trying to partake in ‘secretly’, and were still unaware of her knowledge of them, “why wouldn’t I? You’re the best part of me, Barbie; you have been ever since I first met you.”

She would beam even more widely over at you upon hearing this, flattered, as well as a little flustered as she never had thought before that anyone would ever think of her the way that you did, and always would; your feelings for her were incapable of changing, unless they were growing stronger like they had been every day since you’d first met her in the car park outside of the Gynaecologists’ office a few months or so ago, now. “I’m glad,” she mustered, her voice briefly trembling whilst she did; her heart was racing overwhelmingly alongside your’s, and she was trying to fight back the small tears which had managed to invade her stunning icu blue eyes, worrying you; you feared that you had upset her somehow, and cursed yourself for it, “I’m sorry, I - I don’t know why I’m crying, I-..”

“I always find a way to upset you,” you mused dejectedly, and Barbra would then hastily shake her head, before holding both of your hands in her’s, soothing you whilst you glanced up at her, your eyes soon beginning to glisten alongside her’s, prompting her heart to sink; it pained her to see you trying not to cry like you were, now.

“You never upset me, baby, I promise; these are just happy tears,” she reassured you gently, and you would realise, appearing embarrassed as well as relieved, and glad to hear that she was happy again, though you still doubted it was you who had managed to make her happy like she was, now, as if you’d not recently managed to upset her again due to you putting yourself down in front of her like you had been ever since you’d first met her, and fallen deeply in love with her, “n-nothing more than that, I swear - I just-.. I’m not used to being treated as good as you treat me; it’s all new.”

“D-Don’t worry; it’s all new to me, too,” you admitted, and she would smile sadly over at you; she doubted Jack would ever treat you as if you were special, and her heart would sink to think about the ways he had abused you, before you’d fled from him and your family, and found her and the others, “and I love it, b-but I could never love anything more than I love you, Barb.” She would then wrap her arms around your waist again to ease you closer once more, allowing her to shyly connect her lips to your’s affectionately whilst you returned the embrace, and instantly melted into the kiss, clinging to her shoulders for stability as you still felt quite weak like you usually did, now, your skin growing to be somehow a little more paler than it had before, recently, another thing she couldn’t bear to see happening to you as it - alongside her catching you drinking occasionally - suggested to her that your health was only growing to be worse. Barbra had also recently noticed a slight yellowy complexion tainting your currently quite pale one, and was terrified by it though she wasn’t quite sure what it meant.

Once the kiss had sadly come to an end, she would connect her forehead to your’s, before giggling breathlessly alongside you whilst her eyes locked with your’s again in the best way possible, allowing you to both subconsciously admire one another occasionally between locking gazes, and quite profusely blushing in response to each other’s actions whenever you both got caught doing so, something which obviously happened frequently as you were close to one another, and offering each other completely undivided attention as you both only desired in this moment to get lost in one another completely, somehow. “S-So,” Barbra began timidly, “would you wanna go home now, or go and meet the others at the park?”

“Is the park quite busy, a-at this time? I just get a feeling that a few people don’t like me, here,” you expressed quietly, your voice briefly trembling whilst you did, and Barbra would falter, a pained expression on her face; she couldn’t believe you’d think something like that, “j-just the neighbours, really - they-.. obviously disapprove of me being Bailey’s mother because of the alcohol poisoning, but-”

“Don’t worry about them,” she cooed, trying to provide comfort to you whilst she rubbed your back using her right hand, and playfully booped the tip of your nose with the tip of her’s, “besides - they’ll get off our backs soon, right? I - I assume your doctor gave you good news, d-didn’t she?”

She would then wince; the question had just slipped out whilst you faltered, and would quickly try and recompose yourself as you were afraid of her finding out that things hadn’t improved, at all; afraid of her realising that you had still been drinking behind her back, and had basically broken your recent promise that you had made her, vowing to her that you would stop drinking, and get better for her and Bailey. “Y-Yeah, it was-.. it was good news,” you answered quite unconvincingly, and Barbra would try and fight back a frown whilst tears longed to escape her again, and her heart ached excruciatingly alongside your’s; she was terrified again that she might end up losing you, still, but wouldn’t dare question you any further as she didn’t want to upset you or worry you anymore than you evidently had been, recently, with your ex abusive family and Jack still threatening you, and your not-so-secret now bouts of drinking behind her back. “She said I’ll be better for you, soon,” you stated, and she would force a smile over at you whilst she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek, prompting you to instantly melt into her touch, “I can’t wait.”

“N-Neither can I,” she mustered, trying hard not to let her voice shake as she feared upsetting you by doing so, not wanting you to realise that she knew you had been continuing to drink quite heavily recently, finding she couldn’t blame you for doing so after everything that had happened with your family recently; she knew she probably would have ended up doing the same thing, if she were in your situation, “b-babe, can-.. can I ask you something?”

“Of course you can,” you answered, and she would hesitate, before shaking her head, not wanting to upset you, or worry you, so she would try and hold the question back, she just wished, or hoped against hope that you knew you could talk to her about anything, and that you could always come to her if you needed her, especially if it meant that by doing so you wouldn’t go out drinking again, and further fuel your alcohol poisoning, making yourself even worse, “w-what is it, Barbie? You can ask me anything, y-you know that, right?”

“I know,” she reassured you hastily, not wanting you to think that she didn’t, “s-sorry, Snuggles, I just-.. I forgot it; I’ll try and remember it later, don’t worry.”

“Take your time,” you cooed, before timidly connecting your lips to her’s, and she would smile warmly against your lips whilst she did, “I love you, d-don’t ever forget that, okay?”

“Never; I - I never could, n-not that I’d ever want to,” she answered, “I promise - now - we better get back to the others, before they start thinking we’ve gone missing or are-.. e-er-.. you know.”

You would lift your eyebrows, before smirking over at her, and intertwining the fingers of your right hand with the fingers of her left whilst she began to blush again, and would giggle softly whilst she tried to hide this fact from you whilst her heart raced blissfully alongside your’s. “Would you want to be doing that?” You teased, and she would grow further flustered, before beginning to stammer whilst she tried to respond, and found she then couldn’t; she still wasn’t used to it, and you loved it; revelled in the effect you somehow had on her, and couldn’t believe you did at the same time. “Because I’m up for it as long as you are,” you continued, and she would return the smirk, before leaning forward to kiss you a little more passionately, prompting your heart to skip a beat, before it began to pound more overwhelmingly within your chest as if it were trying to escape, and jump out into her arms so it could be closer to her own heart, longing to be attached to it.

“Later, baby, I promise,” she reassured you, and you would grin over at her, before nodding, evidently elated and anticipating the night to come for you both, “so - s-shall we?”

“We shall,” you cooed, and she would walk you slowly to the car whilst you both never let go of one another’s hands the whole way, finding you didn’t want to disconnect from each other, only briefly doing so until you’d got into the car, and Barbra had quickly begun to hold your hand again, before begrudgingly letting go of it once she’d started the car, and begun the drive back to the park though you’d rather both go on holding each other’s hands, making sure you both were as close to one another as you possibly could be, with you resting your head on her left shoulder, and her occasionally - whenever she could at a red light - resting her head upon your own, wishing you could both stay like this forever.

🜸🜚🜸

Like you both had been in the car, you would stick to one another’s sides also whenever you went to the Primroses bar you were still somehow working at; your boss had not yet fired you for your excessive drinking for a reason unbeknownst to you, and luckily enough he made sure not to bring the subject up in front of Barbra, though she already knew, obviously also a current fact unknown to you as she still hadn’t yet confronted you about it, finding she couldn’t as she feared upsetting you or worrying you any further than you had been, recently, with everything going on with Jack and your abusive family threatening you the way they had been, recently.

“D-Do you want another drink?” You asked, and Barbra would think about it for a moment, before subconsciously holding your right hand in her left one, prompting you to smile lovingly over at her subconsciously whilst you began to feel warm and fuzzy alongside her; you loved how perfect it felt to have your hand fitting together in the best way possible with her’s, as if you really had been made for one another.

“Only if you’re having one, Snuggles,” she answered, and you would shrug, before nodding.

“Sure,” you replied, before making to get up, surprising her; she didn’t want you to feel as if you had to do everything for her, when that was something you loved doing; you felt as if you had been made to serve her, after all, “I’ll be right back-”

“Wait, b-babe, you - you don’t need to get them; I could get them for us, if you want me to?” She suggested, and you would frown, before shaking your head, and wrapping your arms around her, prompting her to instantly melt into your embrace whilst she returned it, hoping you weren’t about to put yourself down again, somehow.

“You’ve already bought too much for me, Barb,” you answered, and she would appear disappointed, evidently wanting to do more for you, somehow, “allow me to spoil you, now, because I live to spoil you-”

“But I live to spoil you, too,” she whined, and you couldn’t help, but giggle, amused by her reaction, “please just let me at least come with you; I hate being away from you.”

“I hate being away from you, too, and that’s why I’m gonna be speedy, I promise,” you tried to reassure her, lifting your right hand up to her left cheek, prompting her to subconsciously lean into your touch whilst her eyes locked with your’s in the best way possible, prompting you to stammer, before falling quiet for a moment whilst you admired her, even finding yourself forgetting how to breathe again whilst she smirked up at you; you had begun to blush quite quickly, and she evidently loved the effect she had on you, “d-don’t worry. G-God, I’m sorry, I love you so much I just have to-” You would then cut yourself off, leaning forward to delicately connect your lips to her’s, and she would instantly melt into the kiss whilst she eased your body closer to her’s, wanting to close the remaining gaps between you both to the best of her ability like you did, too.

Once the kiss had sadly ended, she would smirk up at you whilst holding you at arm’s length, and you would giggle breathlessly, her soon joining you; she couldn’t help, but be amused and a little flustered after you’d kissed her like that, and hoped you would soon do it again. “I love you, too,” she returned, and your smile would then grow even more somehow, scaring you a bit; you’d never felt this way for anyone before, and it was overwhelming, but she always managed to stabilise you, somehow, making you feel safe and more content than you had ever been before, and she would beam up at you upon noticing that your eyes had begun to glint a little whilst you couldn’t help, but stare into her own, fascinated by her, “you’re adorable, you - you know that, right?”

“Not as adorable as you,” you answered, and she would make to protest, before you connected your lips to her’s again, and a little more deeply kissed her, prompting her to forget instantly what she had been about to say, and you would grin back at her after begrudgingly pulling away before you could both run out of breath and suffocate one another. “Be back in a sec,” you stated whilst she longingly watched you, silently begging for you to come back, and you would smirk over at her again, “and then we’ll be able to continue where we left off just now, I promise.” You would then wink clumsily, prompting her to burst out laughing, flustering you a little whilst you giggled alongside her, and would drag yourself away from the table though your heart was cursing you for leaving her side; it longed to be as close to her as it possibly could be, and so did you; you just wanted to do all you could to try and repay her for making you happier than you’d ever been, before, by doing everything you possibly could for her, even if that meant dying for her; you knew you would try, if it ever came to her life being directly threatened, and knew you would also try if it meant that she would be safe as a result of you attempting to take your own life - you would do anything for her, even try and sober up for her, but you were only still drinking because you doubted that you’d ever be able to keep her happy, and knew that she’d be able to then someone better than you for her much easier and faster if you were out of the picture, no matter how much the idea pained you whenever you were reminded of it.

Whilst you were getting a coke for both you and her, no intention to try and drink any alcohol in front of her to avoid upsetting her, she would be surprised to find a woman she didn’t recognise looking over at her, and she would awkwardly smile, before lowering her gaze, and trying to distract herself by fidgeting with her hands whilst the woman approached the table, seeing that you were still waiting at the bar; it was quite busy today, and there were a few people waiting ahead of you.

“I notice you here all the time,” the woman stated, and Barbra would appear surprised, timidly glancing up at her whilst she leaned against the table, smirking.

“Really?” She asked, and the woman would nod whilst Barbra nervously looked toward the bar, silently begging you to come back; she wasn’t often good in situations like these, especially when she was worried that maybe you would get jealous if you saw her talking to another woman like you often did, terrified of losing her like she was scared of losing you, too, though you often found yourself thinking about how she would be better off without you, and hoped that your life would soon be taken by the alcohol you had been drinking a lot more recently, allowing her to finally try and find someone better than you, though she - unbeknownst to you - felt as if she could never love anyone else as much as she loved, and would always love you, feeling as if she couldn’t live without you, and couldn’t imagine her life without you in it as her forever soulmate.

“My name’s Hannah,” she introduced, and Barbra would manage a faint smile up at her, though she wasn’t sure why she was being more awkward than usual; it was simply because she feared you witnessing and making assumptions that would result in you drinking even more, and getting even worse, a thought which would set her further on edge, recalling how she’d heard one time that alcohol poisoning could be fatal, and she couldn’t imagine how much pain she would be in if she ever managed to lose you, and knew she would never be able to forgive herself if she did, making her feel worse about the fact that she hadn’t yet confronted you about your ‘secret’ drinking sessions that she had witnessed a few times without your knowledge, now, afraid of upsetting you or worrying you any further than you had been by doing so, recently, as she knew that her confronting you would also most likely make you drink more, something she couldn’t let happen, and knew she’d need to avoid to keep you with her. “What’s your name? Or should I just call you pretty girl?” Hannah continued, and Barbra would appear taken aback, not expecting that.

“N-No, that’s okay,” she answered, avoiding eye contact with Hannah to the best of her ability; she was worried about Hannah maybe being unintentionally misled by her, and knew she’d have to try and shut her down without hurting her, somehow; she’d evidently not seen her and you together a brief moment ago, now, “but thanks - my name is Barbra, and it’s nice to meet you - wanna be friends?”

“Friends? Sure,” Hannah answered whilst grinning over at Barbra, “hey - do you know what friends with benefits are?”

Barbra would appear confused, looking up at Hannah with a puzzled expression on her face; she’d never heard that phrase before. “No,” she admitted quietly, a little embarrassed, as well as nervous as whatever was going on felt wrong to her; she felt as if this was something, or a discussion that she should instead be having with you, and not anyone else, but she couldn’t imagine why as it seemed to be at least relatively normal to her, given that she’d never heard the phrase ‘friends with benefits’ before in her whole life. “W-What does it mean?” She inquired, and Hannah would appear surprised; she thought Barbra would know about it as many people seemed to.

“I’ll tell you, unless you’d want me to show you?” Hannah offered whilst smirking over at Barbra again, and she would tilt her head partially, wondering why she was currently sporting an expression like that; an expression like the one you would put on whenever you were both about to fool around together, or about to try and tease and tickle one another whilst you were cuddled up on the sofa watching a film together whilst the others were out, or in bed upstairs, worrying her even more, and even panicking her a little as she considered joining you at the bar, not wanting to be away from you any longer than she now had been.

“I - I don’t know; I’d rather you just tell me,” she answered, and Hannah would lift her right eyebrow, before nodding, and smiling sheepishly over at her.

“I’ll tell you if you go into the bathroom, ‘cause guess what? If you do it, I’ll do it, and nobody’ll bother us whilst I’m trying to explain it to you,” Hannah stated, and Barbra would appear restless whilst she looked over at the bar again only to find that you were still stuck in the queue, and she would fight back a sigh, hoping it wouldn’t take long as she didn’t want you to worry about her like she was sure you would if you found that she was gone all of a sudden, especially after all the threats you had been receiving from Jack and your family; she didn’t want you to think that she had been attacked, or taken away by them somehow as she knew it would panic you, and prompt you to blame yourself for whatever had happened whilst you frantically searched for her, and this was exactly what happened after Barbra had replied ‘sure’, and walked into the woman’s toilets with Hannah who grinned whilst she followed behind her, anticipating what she planned to try and do with Barbra, still unaware - obviously - of you being her girlfriend, and just outside, about to order your and Barbra’s glasses of coke.

🜚

As soon as you had noticed that Barbra was no longer sat at the table, the glasses would slip from your hands, and you would frantically look around, desperate to find her, and you weren’t even perturbed by the sound of the glasses shattering in front of you whilst you recalled the last text message Jack had sent you: ‘you better try and protect your blonde ‘friend’ if you really wanna spend the rest of your pathetic life with her’, panicking you; you feared that maybe Jack had managed to strike whilst you were stuck at the bar, a pained expression on your face whilst the others around you complained and stared after you’d dropped the glasses on the floor.

“What the hell, Y/n,” your boss spat behind you, and you would falter, trying not to break down whilst you turned to face him, tears invading your eyes whilst a lump formed in your throat, and your heart would ache excruciatingly; you’d never be able to forgive yourself if she had been taken by Jack, “your behaviour gets worse every day-”

“Did you see her leave?” You inquired shakily, and your boss would appear puzzled for a moment, wondering what had prompted you to begin acting like this whilst he also wondered if you had been drinking, again, before you’d arrived with Barbra.

“Who-?” He questioned, and you would grunt, impatient as you were desperate to find her, and make sure that she was okay; you couldn’t live without her, and the possibility of never seeing her again all of a sudden was excruciating, making you feel numb and empty all over again whilst it felt as if your insides were collapsing in on themselves to accompany the sensation of your heart shattering into tiny little pieces.

“Barbra!” You cried, and he would wince, realising. “Who else?” You hissed, frustrated, and further panicked by his demeanour of uncertainty, suggesting to you that he hadn’t seen her leaving the building, but at the same time it relieved you because his reaction was also implying that she was still inside, somewhere, and not far; it was quite a small building, so it would be easier to find her than it would be to try and locate her out on the streets.

“No, I didn’t see her, sorry, but-”

“I’m gonna check the women’s toilets,” you interrupted, before rushing away from him, infuriating him even further.

“You better pay for those glasses, Y/n!” He called after you, before dragging himself back to the booth he had previously been sitting within in one of the corners of the room whilst you rushed into the toilet, and would be shocked to find Barbra and another woman kissing, before Barbra would hastily pull away, and look over at you, a pained expression on her face whilst she blurted out the words: ‘it’s not what it looks like’, desperate to keep you with her as she’d never intended for it to happen, and wanted to relieve you of the pain she could see that you were in, and also of the pain that she, too, was in, as a result of being aware of the pain she’d caused you - something she hated doing whether it was intentional, or unintentional.

🜸

Before you had entered the room, Barbra had been finding herself backing away occasionally from Hannah whilst she explained to her what she had previously meant by the phrase: ‘friends with benefits’, and she would falter once she realised what Hannah had been hoping to do with her; had been hoping to become with her. “I’m - I’m sorry, Hannah, but I can’t-”

“You can’t? Why not?” She whined, evidently disappointed whilst Barbra would have to back away again; Hannah had inched even closer, seemingly still hopeful that Barbra might agree to her proposition. “Wow,” she mused before Barbra could explain herself, and would then lift her right hand up to Barbra’s left cheek, prompting her to tense up; it felt so wrong, and she hated it, wishing she had instead joined you at the bar though you had insisted upon going by yourself; this wouldn’t have happened, if she had, and she would curse herself for it, feeling as if she were betraying you for deciding to even allow Hannah to explain the phrase to her. “You’re really something magical up close, aren’t you?” She continued, whilst admiring Barbra’s facial features which were currently expressing pain, sadness, and fear.

“H-Hannah, please, don’t; I - I don’t wanna push you and hurt you-”

“Don’t worry - I’m gonna be gentle,” Hannah cooed, before leaning forward to connect her lips to Barbra’s soft ones, and you would then rush into the room, faltering when you noticed them together, and Barbra would hastily manage to pull out of the kiss, meandering around Hannah whilst she was startled by your entrance, and as soon as Barbra had noticed you, she would falter, her heart sinking and aching excruciatingly alongside your’s whilst you appeared to be trying not to break down, your eyes glistening, accompanying the shattered look on your face; you’d not felt this broken and empty since your family had begun to abuse you, gaslight you, and belittle you.

“Barb,” you whispered shakily, “w-who is-..?”

A strained sob would then manage to escape your lips; you couldn’t hold it back anymore, and Barbra would falter, feeling even worse; she hated seeing you like this, and cursed herself for allowing it to happen again.

“It’s - It’s not what it looks like, baby, I swear,” she began feebly, “I-”

“Wait - ‘baby’? Are you guys together?” Hannah interjected, appearing bewildered whilst Barbra would nod hastily, her gaze never straying from you, even whilst she mustered up a verbal answer to Hannah’s question.

“T-That’s what I was trying to tell you, Hannah,” she stated, before returning her focus back onto you, “Y/n, I - I’m so-”

“No, Barbie,” you managed, your voice barely audible whilst you tried, and failed to stop it from trembling, surprising her; you didn’t want her to feel as if she had to apologise, especially when you believed yourself to not be enough for her, and believed that you should be happy for her, assuming she’d already found someone better than you as you were sure that Hannah, as well as every other woman was prettier than you, and more perfect than you could ever be with Barbra being the most perfect in your eyes, “d-don’t apologise, okay? I get it - you-.. you deserve better than me; I’ve known that since I first met you, a-and fell in love with you, and finding the right person for you isn’t your fault, I promise, a-and I swear I’ll be, and am happy for you, no matter what you decide-”

“But-”

“I’ll see you back at home, o-okay?” You concluded in a strained manner as if you were struggling to hold yourself together even more, now, before dragging yourself toward the door whilst tears began to stream down your cheeks, and heart would ache overwhelmingly as if it were still in it’s place, and hadn’t shattered like you hoped it would - something that would most likely end your life if your heart being physically shattered was possible.

“No,” Barbra whined, making to rush after you; she couldn’t let you leave thinking that she no longer loved you, knowing that she could lose you, if she did, and that was something she’d never be able to forgive herself for; never be able to live with as she couldn’t ever stop loving you the way she did, always had, and always would, “d-don’t go, babe, please, I-”

She would then manage to gently catch your left arm in her right hand, and you would stop, no intention to break free from her hold as you didn’t want to hurt her by attempting to do so, and enjoyed how it made you feel to be making contact with her, instead quickly wiping away your tears to the best of your ability, before glancing up at her, and immediately locking eyes with her in the best way possible, allowing you to see that she had begun to cry alongside you, prompting you to falter, and a hurt look to cross your face; you hated seeing her upset, especially when you believed you had been made to do all you could to make her happy - something you were evidently failing consistently at doing, making you feel even more worthless and as if she and the others would be better off without you entirely again; that maybe if you simply disappeared, they would all forget about you, and be happy again like you assumed they must have been before you’d stumbled into each of their lives after fleeing from your abusive ex, Jack, and abusive family.

“I just-.. n-need some time to think about things, I guess,” you explained, and Barbra would fall quiet, before nodding gravely, and bowing her head whilst she sniffled quietly, and you couldn’t help, but think about how you wished you could hold her close to you, and kiss her delicately to try and provide comfort to her, feeling as if you didn’t deserve to; that someone of little worth like you didn’t deserve to make contact of any kind with someone as perfect as her, no matter how much you longed to, and had ever since you’d first met her, and fallen deeply in love with her in the car park outside of the Gynaecologists’ office building. “J-Just for a little while, I promise,” you added hastily to try and reassure her, but that wouldn’t ease her pain at all; it was still excruciating, especially whilst she was finding herself panicking over what might happen if she let go of you, and found that she would then never see you again; she couldn’t imagine her life without you in it, and was certain that she wouldn’t be able to go on living if you were no longer by her side, getting her through the day simply with one of your smiles, and the added bonus of the moments in which you snuggled up together on the sofa or in bed, shared a few either delicate or passionate kisses, possibly fooled around, and fell asleep within one another’s arms only to blissfully wake up still holding each other close in the morning.

The thought of having to wake up to an empty space beside her like she had, before she’d finally got together with you, only disheartened her, and filled her to the brim with an emptiness she knew she wouldn’t be able to live with, or ever see through unless you were with her, stuck to her side the way she hoped you always would be with every passing day she found herself alive, or even dead as she had often hoped - also - that she would be able to spend her life with you wherever she might find herself in the afterlife.

“Just-.. Just promise me that I won’t lose you; that you know I love you, and always will-”

You would draw in a shaky breath, before averting your gaze down to the ground; you hated yourself for doubting that she still wanted you, when she did; hated yourself for thinking that she was lying to you, when lying to you wasn’t something she had ever intended to do; something she felt was impossible for her to do, especially to you. “Barb-”

“Please, baby,” she begged, holding you at arm’s length whilst her now sore eyes pleaded with your’s; she couldn’t bear to think that you no longer believed that she felt the same way for you, like you had doubted she did, before you’d both admitted your feelings for one another some time ago, now, when you had been appearing to be more broken than you ever had been, before, especially after she’d been using Jack - like Gloria had suggested her to do - to confirm that you loved her the way she loved you, and had since she’d first met you, and was more confident and certain than anything else that she always would; you would always be her soulmate, no matter what, like you believed she always would be your’s, too. “I - I need to know because it’s true - I love you, Y/n, m-more than anything; I always have, and always will, I promise; you’re everything to me, and nobody could ever be more to me than you are, I swear, just promise me you know that, a-and won’t disappear, please.”

“I love you so much, Barbie,” you managed weakly whilst you connected your forehead to her’s, more tears managing to leak from your eyes, only paining and reddening them even more somehow whilst your heart raced and ached overwhelmingly alongside her’s, “and I could never stop - I just.. want you to be happy, and feel like that’s something you could never be, with me-”

“What are you talking about? S-Snuggles, you - you’ve made me the happiest woman in the world just by being with me,” she cooed, “a-and nothing elates me more than the possibility of someday being able to call you my wife.”

You would appear surprised; you never thought she’d want to actually marry you, and couldn’t help, but begin to to feel warm and fuzzy inside, a soft smile playing on your lips whilst blood began to rush up to your cheeks. “You’d-.. actually want to marry someone like me?” You mused in a thoughtful voice close to a whisper, and she would smile lovingly back at you whilst she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek, prompting you to instantly melt into her touch whilst Hannah felt bad for not checking if Barbra was single, first, before trying to make a move on her like she had.

“Not someone like you; I want to marry you, Y/n, only you,” she answered, and you would appear flustered for a moment; you evidently hadn’t been expecting that, “s-so-.. do you promise you’ll stay, a-and know that I love you?”

“I promise I’ll stay, a-and-.. that I know that I love you,” you replied, and she would express relief, glad, “a-and no matter what you decide to do I’ll never disappear, okay? Ever, u-unless you ever find yourself wanting me to, in which case I will; I’d do anything for you, Barb; a-anything to make you happy, no matter what happens, because nothing could ever stop you from being the love of my life.”

“Nothing will ever stop you from being the love of my life, either,” she returned, “s-so don’t ever worry about that happening, because it never will, and for the record - I could never want you to disappear; my future has always included you in it, ever since I first met you; you’re my soulmate, a-and that’s all I’m certain of, now.”

“So-.. t-the kiss didn’t mean anything, since I’m your soulmate?” You asked, evidently nervous, though you weren’t sure why considering you had been constantly telling yourself that you would be happy for her, if ever she found someone better than you for her.

“Nothing, I promise,” she answered, and you would subconsciously express relief, your eyes glinting a little whilst you wrapped your arms around her waist, prompting her to smile warmly over at you again whilst she admired you, and you would subconsciously find yourself admiring her again, “I didn’t even know it was going to happen when it did.”

“She’s right,” Hannah corroborated, “I’m sorry - I didn’t realise she had someone already; it was my bad - I mean, I was basically the one to kiss her; she didn’t kiss me - c-could we be friends, at least? All of us?”

You would hesitate, not sure as you were still fearful of possibly losing Barbra, somehow, but at the same time you felt bad for being so jealous, anxious, and possessive over her; you’d just never been so happy before, and didn’t want to lose the way you felt with her; didn’t want to lose her as she basically was your only reason to go on living the way you were, now; the only person who could ever keep your heart beating, and you loved her more than you could ever love anyone else, certainly more than you could ever love yourself.

“What do you think, babe?” Barbra inquired, and you would hesitate, looking between them both for a moment; you didn’t want to upset her, somehow, by politely turning Hannah down, though you feared that you would lose her regardless by not doing so, though she had already tried to reassure you that she’d never stop loving you - a fact she was more than certain of. “I don’t want to decide without you,” she clarified, and you would manage a faint smile, before nodding.

“I don’t mind her being our friend, a-as long as you don’t mind,” you claimed, to try and avoid upsetting or worrying her by telling her otherwise; you knew she’d worry that maybe you still doubted her feelings for you if you turned Hannah’s request downs, and didn’t want to upset her anymore than you were sure you already had a brief moment ago upon your discovery of Hannah kissing her, and your reaction to it.

Hannah would then hopefully look over at Barbra, who would then naturally smile, and nod; she was too sweet and innocent for this world, and you couldn’t believe she still wanted someone like you - an alcohol addict suffering from the after effects of her abuse by her family and Jack, and the fact that she was still being threatened by them, and unintentionally putting Barbra’s life on the line whilst doing so.

“I don’t mind, either,” she chimed, “looks like you’re our new friend, Hannah!”

“Cool!” Hannah replied, evidently glad; she’d been worried you both would reject her as she didn’t wanna have to be alone again; she’d been lonely, recently, and was sick of not having anyone to talk to.

You would then wince, beginning to feel numb and faint all of a sudden, and Barbra would appear worried whilst you leaned heavily against her, a pained expression on your face whilst you did as if something was paining you, prompting her heart to ache again as she hated seeing you like this, and wished she could do more for you to rid you of the alcohol poisoning that was currently still burdening you. “Baby-? A-Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Barbra asked, and you would shake your head gravely, before smiling faintly up at her to try and reassure her that you were okay; you didn’t want to further worry her after already doing so a brief moment ago, but despite your attempts to feign stability, she could see through it, and see that you were in pain, and exhausted, prompting her to decide that she should take you back home, as fast as she possibly could - your complexion was also worrying her; you were quite pale again, and were unusually burning up though you often were quite cold when you weren’t in a nauseous state.

“I’m okay, Barb, I - I promise, I just-.. n-need to sit down, or something, and then I’ll be right as rain again,” you claimed, but Barbra would doubt it, prompting her heart to sink again; she hated that she doubted that you would go back to normal after sitting down, disheartening her as she wanted more than anything for you to feel better, but at the same time knew it would never be that easy, no matter how much she wished it could be.

“I think you need a nap, Snuggles, not just a sit-down,” she expressed in a strained manner, and you would frown, a pained expression on your face whilst you glanced up at her, guessing that you’d managed to worry her yet again, making you feel guilty whilst your heart began to ache alongside her’s once more; you were sick of burdening her like this, and having her see you in this poor state, knowing she was being pained by it, and terrified by the possibility of your condition taking you away from her, though you weren’t sure why as you’d believed - ever since you had met her, and fallen in love with her - that she would be happy if you disappeared, allowing her to find someone better than you for her.

“You guys can go home, if you want?” Hannah suggested, and Barbra would express relief; she’d been worried that maybe Hannah would be disappointed if she stated that she believed you both should leave. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay here, because of me - especially when you’re feeling sick-”

“I don’t feel sick,” you claimed uncertainly, “I just.. it’s nothing, j-just a fever-like cold.”

“A fever-like cold?” Hannah mused, whilst wincing, and Barbra would appear upset again; she wished your condition was only a more minor thing like a cold, and not something fatal like alcohol poisoning could be, but she would try not to allow her thoughts to escape her lips, feeling as if it would be wrong to reveal your alcohol poisoning to her, especially not so soon after only just meeting Hannah, today. “That’s horrible - I hope you feel better, soon,” she stated, and you would force a smile over at her though you still felt partially conflicted over what had happened a few moments or so ago, now, “and I agree with Barbra, you should definitely get some rest.”

“I’ll try,” you replied, “and thank you.”

“Well - we better get back,” Barbra spoke up again, evidently desperate to get you home, and into bed before you could pass out on her, “meet you here again soon? Maybe on Wednesday when me and Y/n have to come back for her next evening shift?”

“Sounds good,” Hannah remarked, whilst you would try and hide your dejection and fear again; you’d always been looking forward to your shifts recently because it was often only you and Barbra alone together, and worried that things might not be the same if a third party was introduced; you loved to spend time with her, and her alone, finding you felt more content than you had ever been when it was only you and her spending time together, whether Bailey was with you both, or with Gloria’s mother; you found you often struggled to connect with Bailey because you rarely ever saw her anymore, and despised yourself for it, knowing that it was because of how the neighbours evidently disapproved of you looking after Bailey whilst being burdened and struggling with alcohol poisoning as a result of your unhealthy drinking habits recently. “See you then,” she concluded brightly, before leaving the room, and Barbra would then return her attention to you whilst she smiled warmly over at you, and would play with your hair using her right hand to try and provide comfort to you whilst she hooked her left arm around your waist to try and stabilise you further.

“Don’t worry, baby,” she cooed, puzzling me as well as flustering me - had she somehow managed to tap into my thoughts and concerns? “You’ll always have the most of my undivided attention,” she reassured you whilst you began to blush, stammering a little, prompting her to giggle, evidently amused by your reaction, “now - let’s head back, shall we? My princess needs her beauty sleep, and whatever she needs, I organise or get for her.”

“You’re too good to me,” you whined, and she would smirk over at you whilst she led you slowly out of the room, and toward the entrance of the Primroses building, “stop, I’m not worthy-”

“Hey,” she interjected playfully, “you’re more than worthy of what I do for you - don’t ever think otherwise, okay?”

You would then grin over at her, before raising your eyebrows a little, flustering her; she knew you were about to tease her, and would soon begin to blush even before your teasing had begun. “What would you do to me, if I did?” You inquired, and she would grin over at you, before lowering her voice to avoid being overheard by the tables and booths you were both passing by to her to the entrance.

“I’d punish you, of course,” she answered, and you would appear surprised; you hadn’t been expecting her to manage to say it, but were proud of her for doing so none the less, “that’s what you’d want to happen, right?”

“More than anything,” you replied, and she would grin over at you, before nodding, remarking ‘knew it’, and leading you out of the Primroses building so she could return back home with you, desperate to get you rested, and hopefully well again as fast as she possibly could as she didn’t want to have to see you in pain anymore, nor did she want to have to fear the possibility of her losing you as a result of your alcohol poisoning.

🜸🜚🜸

Although rest did seem to be helping you, most likely because you hadn’t been able to drink since that day with her making sure she rarely ever left your side, your current condition was still worrying her; your complexion was noticeably quite a bit yellower than it was, before, and she couldn’t bear to see it, fearing that it meant you were only getting worse, somehow, and she often panicked over how your new demeanour a few days after had changed, suggesting to her that she could easily still lose you if something wasn’t done by a doctor to help you. Little did she know that your doctor had suggested - if you experienced any changes suggesting liver failure - that you book another appointment and they’ll try and fit you in for a liver transplant, though you doubted it would make much difference; you couldn’t stop drinking, not when you still believed yourself to be a burden on everyone around you, especially Barbra who you wished would give up on you though you knew it would pain you more than anything to lose her.

Whilst you were thinking about the situation with a pained expression on your face, and glistening as well as sore eyes allowing excruciatingly more small tears to escape, you would subconsciously snuggle up closer to Barbra for comfort, finding you felt unstable and quite panicked all of a sudden, as if the reality of you possibly dying had finally hit you, and she would instantly begin to cradle you even closer to her in response to your action, her stunning icy blue eyes full of the worry she was holding for you.

“You okay-?” She inquired, her voice close to a whisper, and briefly trembling whilst you would try not to break down in front of her, burying your face into the crook of her neck whilst you sniffled barely audibly, prompting Barbra’s heart to ache excruciatingly alongside your’s whilst she lifted her right hand up to your hair to stroke it, knowing her doing this tended to soothe you, and you would revel in the feeling whilst you leaned your head back a bit against her hand whilst she found herself trying not to cry; she wished she could do more for you, somehow, but wasn’t sure how, yet, especially when you had lied to her, and told her that you were getting better a few days ago, now.

“B-Better than ever, like I always am whenever you’re here with me, Barbie,” you managed, but she could tell that you were still trying to appear as if you were stronger than you currently were in your condition to try and reassure her that you were okay, and truly were getting better like you claimed you were following your recent appointment with your doctor.

She would then bite down on her tongue a little subconsciously, not wanting to accidentally blurt out her suspicions, instead replying: ‘I’m glad’ gently to avoid upsetting or worrying you, somehow; she didn’t want to accidentally end up making things worse by confronting you, and possibly encouraging you to drink more than you had been, recently, behind her back no doubt to try and protect her feelings, and to ease her worry though she would rather have you be honest with her to prevent her getting lost and terrified in the dark over the situation. Your face would then contort a little whilst the pain within your abdomen grew to be more excruciating, prompting you to whimper in a strained manner as if you were trying to hide your pain from her - something next to impossible for you to achieve.

“Fuck,” you blurted out in a shaky whisper, soon beginning to feel faint and nauseous whilst Barbra was now rubbing your back with her right hand, tears streaming down her cheeks at the same time; she couldn’t take the pain of seeing you like this for much longer, of that fact she was certain, “I - I think - I think I should go to the bathroom-..”

You would then make to get up, and she would hastily follow after you, glad that she had when she found herself having to catch you before you could fall over, feeling much too weak to even stay up for very long. “B-Be careful, baby, please,” she begged weakly, and you would frown, a pained expression on your face whilst you glanced up at her, feeling guilty for having her see you like this, especially when you noticed that she had begun to cry alongside you, as if she - too - were in as much pain as you currently were - something you’d never intended to happen ever since you’d first met and fallen deeply in love with her, vowing to do all you could to try and make her happy, rather than sad and anxious like she appeared to be, now, whilst she held your currently trembling body close to her own protectively, as if you were about to fall again, or could disappear if she let go of you. “I’m gonna take you to the bathroom, okay? You can’t go by yourself like this,” she stated, and you would hesitantly give in, nodding gravely as you didn’t want to further upset or worry her by protesting against her decision whilst she slowly led you out of your and her bedroom, and into the bathroom next door.

🜚

Once you felt as if you had emptied your system of all that had been fighting to escape you, you would lean heavily against Barbra whilst a pained expression crossed your face, and she would wrap her arms around your waist again, before picking off a piece of toilet paper with her left hand, and wiping your mouth clean with it gently.

“Do you feel like that was the last of it, now?” She asked whilst she binned the piece of toilet paper, and would stroke your hair again with her right hand, and you would nod whilst you leaned into her touch subconsciously, wondering why she was still bothering with you, whilst you did, a thought that would prompt your heart to sink a little; you hated wasting her time, and knew that any time she spent with you was most likely more of a waste than anything else ever could be, making you feel even worse whilst small tears began to cloud your vision again, only to be delicately brushed away by the thumb of her right hand once they had managed to escape, and to begin trailing slowly down your cheeks. “Good,” she cooed, her voice soothing you instantly, and even managing to gradually ease your pain, “I’m glad - would you wanna lie down again whilst I go and get you a glass of water from downstairs?”

“You’re doing too much for me,” you answered, your voice a little raspier than before, and it would prompt her heart to sink a little whilst she shook her head gravely, a hurt look on her face, “I just.. need you by my side, B-Barb - nothing else, I promise.”

“I don’t mind doing what I do for you,” she reassured whilst you would shake your head, evidently desperate to protest, and to stop her from doing anything more for you, feeling as if you didn’t deserve anything else from her after all that had happened recently with you drinking behind her back, lying about your doctor’s appointment, and hiding the fact that you had been getting more threats from your ex, Jack and your family - your mother in particular; they had always been your main abusers, whilst your father was often out, abusing you - however - whenever he got the chance to do so upon his return back home from work. “Don’t ever think that I would, okay? I want to do all that I can to get you better again,” she continued, “that’s what I believe I was made to do, now, and have believed ever since I first met you, a-as well as to shower you with all my love for you, and that’s why I’m getting you a glass of water, babe, and you’re not gonna stop me, so don’t try, or I swear I’ll tickle you for the rest of the day until you hate me.”

“That’s a good idea, but - I could never hate you, Barbie,” you stated, flustering her a little whilst blood began to rush to her cheeks, and she began to feel warm and fuzzy alongside you, “I love you too much to ever hate you - you know that, right?”

“Of course I do,” she answered, and you would express relief as you had been worried that maybe she’d forgot, something she could never let herself do, unbeknownst to you, “d-do you? Know that I love you, and - and could never hate you?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” You replied, smiling faintly up at her whilst she smiled lovingly back down at you, her eyes glinting whilst they locked blissfully with your’s.

“Good,” she responded, “now - you won’t stop me from trying to get water, will you?” You would hesitate, before begrudgingly shaking your head, not wanting to upset her by protesting any further than you previously had, prompting her to beam down at you, evidently pleased by your response indicating your surrender. “Perfect,” she cooed, “I’ll carry you back into our room now-”

“Wait-”

“Or maybe you would rather me tickle you?” She suggested again, and you would wince, before hastily shaking your head, and she would giggle softly in response to your reaction, evidently finding it adorable as well as amusing. “So it’s settled,” she continued, “I’m gonna carry you back to bed, and then get you a glass of water - sound like a good plan, baby?”

“The best,” you managed, though you’d rather try and do everything yourself so she wouldn’t have to whilst she picked you carefully up off of the ground, finding it a little easier due to you being somewhat shorter than her, and you would subconsciously cling to her shoulders whilst you buried your face into her left shoulder, feeling quite faint all of a sudden, worrying her, but she would try and hold you even closer to further stabilise you whilst she slowly carried you back into your and her bedroom, and would then slowly lower you back onto the bed whilst you appeared to be drifting off to sleep again, barely any energy left within you after you’d been violently sick in the toilet.

Barbra would then find herself longing to not leave your side whilst you were in this state, tears slowly running down her cheeks whilst she lifted her left hand up to your surprisingly warm right cheek; she thought it would be cold, but because you’d been blushing whilst she carried you back into your and her bedroom, it was warm after blood had rushed up to it. “I’ll be back soon, I promise,” she cooed, and you would manage a weak smile up at her, before nodding, and briefly holding her free right hand in your left one, “I hate being away from you.”

“Then you can stay and tickle me, instead?” You suggested, and she would giggle a little shakily, before shaking her head, and connecting her forehead to your’s affectionately for a moment so she could admire you, and get lost within your eyes, soothing both herself and you instantly whilst you stared at one another, wondering what you’d both done to deserve someone as perfect as you believed each other to be.

“Nice try, babe, but - I’m getting you water, and that’s that,” she insisted, before delicately connecting her lips to your’s, and you would instantly melt into the kiss, appearing sad once it had ended, and she would grin down at you, “don’t worry - there’ll be more kisses for you once I get back, I promise - don’t move, o-or do anything stupid until I’m here with you again, okay?”

“I’ll try not to,” you stated, and Barbra would hesitate, before dragging herself over to the door though she’d rather, now, stay and make sure that you were okay, “I promise.”

“Good,” she replied, “see you in a bit.” She would then hastily leave the room, determined to only take a minute, or so, until she ran into Gloria who had just discovered the bottle of whiskey you’d unintentionally left under the table a few days ago, now, stalling her previous mission.

🜚

“What’s that-?” Barbra inquired, noticing the bottle in her hand, and Gloria would appear surprised by her sudden entrance, a pained expression on her face; she couldn’t believe you and Barbra were having to go through stuff like this, and hoped that you would find a way out of it, knowing that you both deserved much better, especially after she had heard about what your family and ex had done to you ever since you were quite young, evidently somewhat traumatising you and prompting you to turn to drinking to try and ease your pain, and trauma, something you were used to doing, now, as told to her by Barbra the first day she’d met you, surprisingly; you had seemed to open up to her instantly, as if you felt as if you could trust her, which you did, and were certain that you always would, and could never trust anyone else the way you did her.

“A-Are you sure you want to know?” Gloria asked, wanting to make sure, first, and Barbra would nod hastily, evidently desperate whilst fear crossed her face, and Gloria would hesitate, before nodding, and deciding Barbra should know. “Well-.. this is a bottle of Whiskey, and I think it’s new,” she revealed, and Barbra would falter, a hurt look on her face whilst she found her mind subconsciously racing to you, “it was under the table; I’m worried that maybe Y/n hid it, and was intending to go back to it once she felt she could.”

“But-..” Barbra began weakly whilst tears threatened to escape her eyes again, and Gloria would try not to feel bad for telling her, knowing that it was the right thing to do, though Barbra already knew that you had still been drinking for a little while, now. “She-.. She said she was getting better, why-.. why would she still be drinking?” She mused, and Gloria would frown, prompting Barbra to begin to realise that you must have been lying to her to try and protect her, again, meaning - then - that your condition was only getting worse, and that she could still lose you if you went on drinking the way that you had been, recently. “No,” Barbra whispered shakily, before making to rush up the stairs, and Gloria would sigh, before setting the bottle down on the table, wishing she could also do more to help you both as she felt useless just standing there the way that she was whilst you both were in pain together, not sure how to escape it, or to tackle it properly the way that you should to get out of it alive together, and not apart whether that meant you would end up being either killed by your alcohol poisoning or liver failure, or losing Barbra by separating with her, something you knew you’d never be able to live with, and that Barbra would never be able - either - to live with; you’d both only ever imagined your lives together, and she intended to try and get you to stop drinking, somehow, to keep you with her as she couldn’t imagine never being able to see you again, and knew she couldn’t let your condition get any worse than it was, now, as she stopped outside of your and her room for a moment, drew in a shaky breath, and then walked in.

🜚

As soon as she’d entered the room, you would sit up though it further pained your abdomen to do so, your eyes glinting whilst you admired her, faltering when you noticed the hurt look on her face, worrying you; you hated seeing her like this, especially when you knew it was because of you, somehow, when you’d only ever intended to try and make her happy, until she could find someone else who was better for her, and could make her happier more than you ever had somehow managed to.

“I forgot your water, sorry, I just-..” She murmured, her voice briefly trembling whilst she did, before she bowed her head, staring down at the ground whilst her tears would manage to leak from her stunning icy blue eyes again, and you wouldn’t hesitate to try and get up to provide comfort to her; you couldn’t let her suffer like this without trying to help her, desperate to see her smile again, but she would step back before you could get any closer, prompting you to falter, and a hurt look to cross your own face whilst your heart began to ache excruciatingly alongside her’s. Though she felt bad for what she was doing, she knew that she should try to go on with it to try and get you to stop drinking for her, as well as your own sake.

“B-Barb, what’s-?” You would manage in a strained manner, before wincing, and leaning heavily against the wall whilst you began to cough, feeling weak again, and Barbra would falter, for a moment making to rush up to you to embrace you, and hold you close to her; it felt wrong to be this far away from you, especially whilst you were in this state, and could easily fall over and hurt yourself, but she knew she had to try and resist her temptation, no matter how much it pained her and you to do so, reminding herself that it would be worth it if you decided to stop drinking, and maybe even sought further treatment if you needed it, by the time she’d mustered up her confrontation.

“You’re getting worse, Y/n,” she stated weakly, and you would frown, before glancing up at her again whilst you silently begged her to come closer to you; to wrap her arms around you - you felt mentally quite unstable again, and were terrified, feeling as if you could only ever feel safe and content within her arms, or glued to her side. You, too, felt that the distance was wrong, and found the gap between you both to be excruciating; you hated being away from her, and you would soon then find yourself beginning to panic - what if this was the moment? Was she about to tell you that she didn’t want you anymore, and instead wanted Hannah? Your blood would run cold; you couldn’t picture it, but you still feared that this might happen, one day; she deserved so much better than you - you’d never be able to stop believing that, not after everything your family had made you believe about yourself; you could never see yourself as anything more than what you were, now - nothing. You believed - even - that you were worth less than a speck of dust - how could you be anything more? But before you could go on, she would speak up again when she felt able to do so. “You need to lie down,” she advised, “you’ll fall over, if you don’t-”

“But-”

“Please, baby,” she begged feebly, and you would falter again, your tears being instantly shocked out of your eyes whilst she broke down alongside you, her face contorting whilst she cried, and you couldn’t take it; hated it - you’d hurt her, yet again, and you hated yourself for it, “j-just-.. lie down, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.”

You would then nod gravely, wiping away your tears before she could notice them as you didn’t want to further upset her by crying in front of her again whilst you dragged yourself back over to the bed, and would sit back down on it unstably whilst you looked up at her, begging her to tell you what was burdening her silently with your currently wide, still glistening, and sore eyes as you wanted to try and ease her pain for her to the best of your ability.

“B-Barbie, you.. you’re scaring me-”

She would appear shocked, before shaking her head hastily, and scoffing whilst you found yourself struggling to fight back the sobs currently longing to escape you; the whole situation felt wrong, and you couldn’t stand how painful it was - neither could she, unbeknownst to you - this was all new, and overwhelmingly painful to her as she’d never experienced anything like it before with anyone, only you.

“I’m scaring you? Y/n, you are scaring me,” she interjected, and you would frown, a pained expression on your face again whilst you appeared taken aback by her revelation; you’d never intended to scare her, and wondered what had happened whilst she was gone to prompt this reaction from her. She would then draw in another shaky breath, before lifting her right hand to her face to brush away as many of her tears as she possibly could; she wanted to try and stay strong for you, and wanted to make sure that she kept her composure in a situation like this which was crucial in terms of determining whether she would be able to spend her life - and afterlife - with you, or not, a thought which would prompt her heart to overwhelmingly skip a beat again - what if you didn’t agree to stop drinking? Would she ever see you again? The reminder of this possibility would prompt another strained sob to escape her, and with every sob you heard from her came a pang of what felt like a knife being stabbed into your already fragile heart.

“You’re-.. leaving me, aren’t you?” You uttered dejectedly, as if you were on the verge of losing everything, and felt empty.

Barbra would be taken aback by the question, a hurt look on her face, and though she longed more than anything to cry ‘no’; to hold you close to her whilst she cooed sweet nothings to you, she knew she couldn’t, and that would prompt her heart to somehow sink even further than it already had, only contributing to the excruciating pain she was experiencing as a result of seeing you like this, as if you were broken, and only being held together by a thin thread like you had appeared to be, before, the day she had first met you, and fallen deeply in love with you, as if she’d been attached to you as soon as her gaze had blissfully fallen upon you, and you to her as soon as you had first seen her stepping out of Gloria and her husband’s car outside of the Gynaecologist’s office, her presence seeming to fill you to the brim with a hope you had never experienced before; she’d so easily given you a new reason to live, and you couldn’t believe - now - that you were so close to losing it; so close to losing her; the only person who had ever truly made you feel special, loved, and as if you weren’t broken; a freak - no, you wouldn’t live without her; you couldn’t, and knew that the moment in which you believed you would eventually lose her no matter what - would be the very moment you planned your next attempt at suicide, even though you knew that you’d still be filled to the brim with the pain of losing her in the afterlife, too, wherever it ended up taking you to.

“That depends,” she forced out, her voice briefly trembling, and cracking almost as consistently as her heart currently was alongside your’s whilst she slid her phone out of the right pocket on one of her pretty yellow dresses that you’d managed to find for her for her birthday, though she’d insisted that you not get her anything, not wanting you to feel as if you had to do that for her, but you couldn’t have just not spoiled her, feeling as if that was what you had been brought into the world to do; to shower her with your love and affection for her as an attempt to try and repay her for making you the happiest woman in the world just by being with you, and somehow loving you the way that you loved her. Yet here you were, somehow managing to hurt her over and over again, and you would nod gravely whilst you stared down at your hands, feeling empty all over again - you couldn’t hurt her anymore, and believed the only way to do that was to - no matter how painful it would be - free her of you; you doubted you’d ever be able to make her happy the way she deserved to be any other way, and would curse yourself for trying, and consistently failing supposedly each time you did.

“O-On what?” You inquired, though it was paining you even to speak; paining you to make the smallest of movements - this was it: you were going to be losing everything again, and it was overwhelming; you couldn’t, and yet could believe it at the same time; you’d always doubted whether you were enough for her, or not, and now knew you couldn’t be, not after you’d hurt her again, and broken yet another promise that you’d made to her; your promise that you’d stop drinking, and get better for her, as you hadn’t stopped drinking, and were only getting worse, being threatened now also by the possibility of your alcohol poisoning developing into the failure of your liver.

She would then try and take another breath to calm herself down, before unlocking her phone, and you would watch whilst you felt everything within you collapsing again as if you weren’t already broken enough, but you believed you deserved it, and would further curse yourself for everything you’d done to her, recently, though you’d been trying to protect her with every passing lie, and not-so-secret drinking sessions, whilst you had thought she was still asleep upstairs when really she soon woke up after you had, and witnessed you drinking in the garden through the window in your and her room a couple or so times, before this moment.

“First, I wanna show you something; this instrumental I found the other day reminds me of you,” she stated, and you would tense up, guessing that it was the one you’d both heard whilst waiting in the Gynaecologist’s office together, “I-.. I want you to listen to it, and think about whether you really see your future being with me, or not.”

“Barb,” you managed faintly, and she would begin to find herself growing desperate whilst she shook her head hastily, and would sit on the edge of the bed whilst more tears would begin to invade her eyes, “don’t-”

“It’s - It’s the one we heard when we first met-”

“Please, Barbie, just-”

“I need you to hear it, babe, please, I-”

“Barbra, stop!” You cried, instantly regretting it as soon as you had upon noticing that she’d begun to break down again, allowing her phone to slip from her hands whilst she cried into them, and you would curse yourself again, longing to wrap your arms around her; she was so close, and you could, now, but you felt as if you no longer deserved to, instead staring down at the cover whilst tears streamed down your cheeks, and you would be having to try and fight back your shaky sobs, wishing you’d never let her waste her time on you the way she did, the day you’d both first met and fallen in love with one another. “We both know that I’m not good enough for you,” you mustered shakily, and she would shake her head hastily again, desperate to keep you with her, “I’ll only ever hurt you; I can’t make you happy, n-no matter how much I-.. I.. love you, Barb-.. I want you to be happy, and I can’t do that for you; I never could - s-someone like me-”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she interrupted, not wanting you to put yourself down like that again, “Y/n, you’re-”

“No, Barbie,” you continued, certain of yourself, “you don’t need to lie to me, okay? N-Not anymore.” She would falter, whilst shaking her head gravely; she hadn’t thought that this would happen; that she would lose you like she felt as if she was, now, terrifying her. “I should go-”

“No!” She cried; she couldn’t let you leave, especially not whist you were like this. “You - You can’t go, babe, please - j-just - stay; I need you, I-”

“Why do you even want me to stay? I thought you were prepared for me to go, if I decided I couldn’t meet your expectations?” You reminded her in a disheartened manner, and she would fall quiet, before bowing her head; you were right, and she found she no longer knew what to say anymore, except the words-

“I want you to stay because I love you, Y/n,” she answered, her voice briefly trembling whilst she did, and you would falter, looking over at her again, but you knew you couldn’t allow yourself to give in again, not wanting to ruin everything for her like you believed you had, before, so many times, now, since you’d both met and fallen in love with one another, “you’re everything to me; you always have been, I swear - I can’t do this without you-”

“Then it’s a good thing you have Hannah, right?” You reminded her faintly, and she would frown, shaking her head again whilst you forced yourself up off of the bed, making to begin packing your things as you didn’t want to get in her or the others’ way anymore.

“Hannah means nothing to me,” she expressed whilst watching you anxiously, feeling much too numb and weak all of a sudden to get up; she couldn’t believe she’d just lost you like that, and was trying not to panic whilst she tried to think of a way to win you back desperately; she’d never intended for this to happen, at all, and couldn’t let go of you, fearing what would happen if she did as her she felt as if she couldn’t live without you, not again, “baby, p-please, don’t go - just - just stay, a-and let me try and prove to you how much I love you-”

“I don’t wanna hurt you anymore, Barb,” you explained, whilst trying to avoid eye contact with her as you knew it would be even harder to not surrender to her if you met her gaze, and admired her features, “I can’t, and that means I can’t stay here anymore, because if I do, I - I’ll only end up hurting you again.”

“So that’s what you want? T-To-.. To go, and maybe never see me again? Never see Bailey again?” She questioned, and you would nod gravely, though the possibility of never being able to see them both again pained you more than anything else ever could - you hoped your suicide attempt, no matter how you executed it, would finally work this time, and that maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much to be away from them (though you doubted it) in the afterlife; you were sure you would always feel empty and as if you were lost without them, no matter what condition you found yourself in. “Y/n-”

“You’re both better off without me,” you uttered, whilst Barbra silently begged you to change your mind, desperate to get you to stay with her, but you couldn’t imagine burdening any of them any further, especially not Barbra, “g-goodbye, Barbie, and-.. I hope you’ll be happy with whoever you find, and decide to spend your life with.”

You would then open the door, panicking her whilst she managed to get up off of the bed, rushing after you. “Y/n, wait, please!” She begged, but you would manage to leave the room before she could catch your arm, instead unintentionally bumping into Gloria who had previously been listening in on her and your conversation.

Barbra would feel helpless all of a sudden, and lost, whilst Gloria tried to provide comfort to her by wrapping her arms around her, and she would instantly break down, and begin to cry into Gloria’s left shoulder; she couldn’t believe that this was happening; that she was really losing you after everything that you’d both already been through together, and dreamed of doing together; getting married, and spending eternity glued to one another’s sides, and now it seemed like you no longer would, paining her more than anything ever had, before, whilst she clung to Gloria’s shoulders for stability, not sure what else to do as she knew you’d most likely never change your mind, now; she knew you well enough to guess as much, and she despised herself for it, listening dejectedly to your footsteps approaching the front door. You would then hesitantly stop, before glancing up at them both, drawing in a shaky breath, and dragging yourself out, instantly making to go to the bar as you weren’t sure of anywhere else you could, or would rather go to in this moment as you knew you could no longer fall into Barbra’s arms again like you longed more than anything to do even after the previous moment between you both had occurred the way it had.

“I can’t do this without her, Gloria,” Barbra mustered shakily whilst her friend tried to provide comfort to her by rubbing her back with her right hand, but she found she couldn’t be consoled, not until you were back with her again, and happy the way she longed for you to be, “I - I need her here with me; I love her-.. What do I do?”

Gloria would then try and think of a plan, seeing that Barbra was desperate to win you back, somehow, and knew that you most likely longed to stay with her, yourself, after she’d heard the conversation, and seen the hurt as well as guilty expression on your face before you’d dragged yourself out of her and her husband’s house through the front door. Then, as soon as she’d thought of something, recalling how Barbra had told her about what had happened with her, you, and Hannah a few days ago, she would beam over at Barbra whilst she held her at arm’s length, filling her with hole again that maybe Gloria would be able to bring you both back together again like you both could feel that you were meant to be, though you doubted your worth, and doubted your ability to make her happy like you had been vowing to try and make her, and supposedly failing though she thought you had done anything, but fail in terms of making her happy.

“I have a plan,” she stated simply, “but it’s gonna need to be executed really carefully, okay?” Barbra would nod to show that she understood, and Gloria would grin over at her friend, before continuing. “Okay,” she began again, “do you know if Hannah’s free for Sasha’s birthday party this Sunday? ‘Cause she’s an essential part of the plan - you’ll see why, soon.”

“I guess I could ask,” Barbra replied, “but - could I tell her about the plan? I don’t want her to be upset, or anything, if - if I’m right in assuming that maybe we’re trying to make Y/n jealous?”

“Of course you can,” Gloria reassured her, “and you are right, but don’t worry; it’s gonna be worth it in the end, I promise - she’ll realise that she still wants to be with you, and after you and Hannah pretend to argue, and break up outside whilst she’s watching, either she or you will make a move, okay? But I have a good feeling that it’s gonna be her, you’ll see.” But it wasn’t, and once the day had arrived, Barbra would end up regretting what she had agreed to, and not just because of how she’d ended up inevitably hurting you with Hannah, but also because of what ended up happening to you after the party, prompting her to begin fearing for your life again.

🜸🜚🜸

Once the day of the party had arrived, Gloria would be relieved to find that you must have got the invitation, and had decided you should show up for Sasha, Barbra, and Bailey to make sure that they were as happy as you had believed that they would be since you’d left, and of course you weren’t exactly surprised to see Hannah there, but were taken aback by the pang of jealousy and sadness you experienced as a result of seeing them together, closer than they were before like you and Barbra had been, before you had both separated a couple of days ago, now. That was another fact that seemed to pain you - she and Hannah had got together quickly; you knew they had to be together, now, after having to painfully endure watching them kiss in the kitchen; you didn’t think it strange that they always seemed to be near you, at all, as you couldn’t focus on anything, but the excruciating pain currently residing within you, and the plan you had been slowly forming to try and commit suicide again.

Whilst you were all sitting in the living room together to watch one of Sasha’s favourite films, you also subconsciously found yourself glancing over at them, finding you couldn’t stop yourself though it was paining you more than anything else ever had to see them together, and the others would also occasionally look over at you when you weren’t paying attention to them, and they could all tell that it was having the desired effect on you to see Barbra and Hannah together like they were, now, in the corner of the room, and giggling as if they were teasing each other like you both used to do. Once they made to join the group, you would hastily drop your head whilst your heart ached excruciatingly, and tears would stream down your cheeks; you couldn’t take it, and wished now that you hadn’t come, even though you knew you would have felt bad not to, and knew that Sasha probably still didn’t enjoy your company after the incident with her school, and you leaving early had occurred. You would scowl, whilst cursing yourself again - you couldn’t be anything short of a horrible, and selfish person - how could Barbra have seen anything different and good within you the day you’d both first met, and fallen in love with one another?

“Sit next to me?” Barbra requested, and you would begrudgingly watch whilst Hannah sat beside her, and hooked her left arm around her waist, before resting her head on her right shoulder comfortably. You would then bow your head again, before biting down a little on your bottom lip to stop it from trembling; you were trying desperately not to break down in front of them, but found that that was a next to impossible task for you, soon finding yourself sniffling barely audibly whilst you tried to secretly wipe your eyes without drawing too much attention to yourself, but Barbra could tell that you were in pain, and she hated it, wishing she could stop now, and tell you that she still loved you, and wanted you to stay with her, but she knew she’d have to try and continue to get the plan to work, like Gloria had told her she should.

“I’ve got to go to the toilet - I’ll be right back,” you managed, your voice briefly trembling whilst you did, prompting you to curse yourself again; you’d not been able to hide it like you hoped you would, rushing out of the room whilst you began to feel sick, and overwhelmed by your sadness again, locking yourself in the toilet whilst you were violently sick within it, and crying quietly; you’d never felt so lost before, and wished the whole time that Barbra were with you, rubbing your back whilst she held your hair, and even occasionally played with it like she had done a few times, before, whilst you found yourself being sick like you were, now, as a result of drinking more than you should have each time, until now - you were sober, but finding yourself being overwhelmed by your feelings, and effects of your alcohol poisoning, making you be sick like you currently were, now, sobbing uncontrollably over the toilet in a strained manner to try and stay quiet, and hide that you were struggling.

“Maybe you should try now, in the hallway?” Gloria suggested, and Barbra would nod hastily, desperate to make you happy again as she couldn’t bear to see you like this, hating what she was doing to you, and even cursing herself for agreeing to it as she could see that she was hurting you, and it was painful, especially when she’d always vowed to make you happy, rather than sad, ever since she had first met, and fallen in love with you blissfully. “Do you remember what you’re meant to be fighting about?” She asked, and Barbra would wince whilst she tried to remember what it was; she’d forgotten because she’d been distracted watching you, and wishing she could throw her arms around you every time she saw you as she hated having gaps between you both, and wanted to do all she could to make you smile again.

“Something about Y/n-?” Hannah suggested, and Gloria would wince, before shaking her head whilst Barbra would falter, a pained expression on her face; she didn’t want to upset you any further by fighting with Hannah about you, suggesting that Hannah disagreed partly with what she and Barbra were doing to try and win you back.

“No,” Gloria answered for Barbra as she could see that she had been about to protest against Hannah to try and defend you, “you’re supposed to argue about my mum’s birthday party next week, remember? ‘Cause you can’t go, and Barb is meant to be upset about it.”

“Right,” Hannah replied, “sorry - I remember, now - let’s go, Barbie.”

Barbra would nod, making to follow Hannah out whilst she wondered why Hannah calling her ‘Barbie’ felt wrong - she only felt happy whenever you or Gloria called her ‘Barbie’, and she had no clue why when Hannah was meant to be her friend, now.

“Barb, wait,” Gloria continued, and Barbra would then stop, before nodding, and looking back at her whilst she smiled faintly, and would not to show her that she was listening, “are you sure you’re ready? Because we don’t have to do it right now, I was just suggesting it, really-”

“I’m ready, don’t worry,” Barbra reassured her, “I need to get Y/n back, a-and the sooner I try, the better, b-before it’s too late.”

Gloria would then stand up so she could wrap her arms around Barbra; she could tell she was trying not to cry again, and was wondering how she was managing to hold herself together like she was, as if she weren’t even on the verge of breaking down though she often came close to doing so whenever she thought of you, and her gaze fell upon you like it often had, today, before this moment, whilst you luckily weren’t looking to catch her occasionally staring over at you subconsciously with glistening eyes that were silently pleading with you to look back at her, and to change your mind about leaving.

“I’m proud of you,” she replied, “you’re really brave, and have come a longer way than I ever could in a situation like your’s, just - be careful, okay? Y/n’s-.. unpredictable, to say the least, but if you really think it’s the right moment, then - go for it, and get your girl back; we wanna see you both together again, more than anything, don’t we guys?”

“That would be great,” Gloria’s husband corroborated, “but nobody could ever be cuter than we are, Glory.”

“That’s true,” Gloria remarked whilst she grinned back at him, before looking back at Barbra who would giggle, before playfully pouting, “but you and Y/n are definitely the second cutest couple I’ve ever seen - you guys that time we were at the cinema were adorable-..” She would then hastily fall quiet, noticing the pained expression on Barbra’s face. “Don’t worry, Barb,” she cooed whilst rubbing her Barbra’s left shoulder, “you’re gonna get her back, I promise, I can feel it; you’re great together, honestly.”

“You really are,” Sasha agreed, further reassuring Barbra who would smile over at her weakly, “just - please don’t kiss in front of me, it’s just - cringe.”

Barbra couldn’t help, but giggle, amused by Sasha’s request, whilst Gloria would grin, and shake her head in response to her daughter’s ask.

“Ignore her,” she replied quietly, and yet playfully, before she looked back at Sasha, “you’ll understand one day, don’t worry, when you find whoever your soulmate is, I promise.”

“Yuck,” Sasha commented, prompting them all to laugh again, “never.”

“We’ll see,” Gloria further teased, before returning her attention to Barbra, “anyway - good luck, and - we’re here, if you need us, okay?”

“Thank you,” Barbra responded, “I - honestly don’t know what I’d do without you guys; I’m so lucky to have you.”

“We’re lucky to have you,” Gloria returned, “and Y/n and Bailey - now go and work some magic before it’s too late.”

“You’ve got it,” she replied, before hastily walking out after Hannah to try and further execute the plan, determined to win you back.

🜚

“No,” you heard Barbra whine outside whilst you were leaning heavily against the wall to the left of the toilet, your face in your hands whilst you proceeded to cry quietly, only briefly stopping when you heard her voice, prompting your heart to skip a beat, as well as your hands to slowly lower themselves back down to the ground; only she could soothe you the way she had just indirectly done. “Come back here, Hannah,” she continued after you heard someone walking past in the hallway, wondering if they were already fighting, and why? “We need to talk about this-”

“It’s a birthday party - not a big deal if I can’t be there,” Hannah interjected, and you would subconsciously grimace - sure you might have understood her point in some cases if you knew where she worked, but in this scenario, you couldn’t help, but think: ‘take a day off’, and ‘don’t talk to Barbra like that’ whilst your heart began to ache excruciatingly again; you were fearing - now - the possibility of not being able to carry out your plan of attempting to take your life again, knowing you should be there for Barbra if they did end up breaking up eventually, or even today, somehow; you’d never heard them fight before, but - to be fair - this was the first time you had seen them together since you and Barbra had lost one another.

“It is a big deal,” Barbra contradicted, and Hannah would scoff, before shaking her head whilst you continued to listen to them though you felt bad for doing so, feeling as if what you were doing was wrong; that this was supposed to be a private conversation, and you were invading in on it like some eager predator desperate to find a reason to live, or life source to survive on, making you feel even worse, and as if you should stop, but you found you couldn’t, wanting to hear more of Barbra’s voice as you had been missing it recently, and it had been more painful to go on living than it ever had been for you before since you’d lost her.

“I don’t get why you’re so upset about it,” Hannah replied, and Barbra would falter, a hurt look on her face as if this argument were real, and she wasn’t just doing it to try and win you back, “like I said before - it’s just a birthday party, and I can’t go-”

“It’s not just about a birthday party, though - it’s about commitment,” Barbra interrupted, her voice briefly trembling whilst she did, and you would frown when you heard it; you could tell she was upset, and wished you could leave the room, and hold her close to you to try and provide comfort to you, but you felt as if you didn’t deserve to, anymore. “What else are you not going to be here for - our own wedding day?” She questioned, and Hannah would appear taken aback by the mention of the words ‘wedding day’, especially so soon. You would then falter again, your heart sinking whilst you let yourself sink back from the door, a hurt look on your face; you evidently thought that they were either getting married, or considering it.

“Why are we talking about marriage? We only started seeing each other yesterday,” Hannah reminded her, and Barbra would wince, remembering the situation, “we don’t even know how far we’re gonna get yet, Barb - at this rate, we’re probably not even gonna make it through today.”

“Well, if that’s how you feel, Hannah, you - you should just go,” Barbra replied, after recomposing herself as fast as she possibly could, desperate to not mess up, and lose you again, “I don’t know why we’re even bothering if you’re doubting us staying together even just after today.”

“Fine,” she responded, “I’ll see you around.”

“Fine,” Barbra managed to utter exasperatedly, “go and do whatever you wanna do, because I don’t care what it is anymore.”

“Sure - I will, thank you,” Hannah replied, before walking out of the front door after sneakily mouthing ‘bye’ to each of them as Gloria, her husband, and Sasha were each stood by the door watching them both, “bye!” She would then walk out the front door, whilst Barbra would nervously look toward the door of the toilet; she thought you would show yourself, by now, but you were still sunk down against the wall, staring ahead of you through sore, and still glistening eyes whilst you thought about everything you’d heard, your mind soon racing back to the two words - ‘wedding day’, instantly prompting a strained sob to escape your lips whilst you cried into your hands, unable to hold it back anymore, and as soon as Barbra had heard that you were crying, she would falter, a pained expression on her face whilst she looked toward the others, and toward Gloria who was shaking her head, worried that maybe you would put two and two together if she tried to speak to you again too soon, but she couldn’t walk away; couldn’t leave you to suffer like you evidently were, walking warily up to the door, before she lightly knocked on it, surprising you as you jumped a little, and would glance up at the door whilst you tried to calm yourself down, not wanting whoever it was, though you had a bad feeling that it was Barbra (bad because you didn’t want to upset her, especially not after hearing her fighting with Hannah like that, and then breaking up with her).

“Y-Y/n?” Barbra managed, and you would falter upon hearing her voice again, having to try and fight back another sob to the best of your ability; you couldn’t imagine what it would be like to never be able to hear her voice again, the thought enough to make your heart ache somehow even more excruciatingly than it had, before - you’d never be able to escape the pain; as long as she were no longer with you, you were doomed to suffer for the rest of your life, and however long you were going to be made to spend in the afterlife - you couldn’t help, but think: ‘please don’t let this go on for eternity,’ but something ached even more to tell you that you’d never be lucky enough to escape from the pain you experienced whenever you weren’t with her, and felt as if you had nothing left to live for. “Are you okay-? You’ve been in there for a little while, now,” she mused, and you would stare down at your hands, whilst you wondered why she was even bothering to check up on you, as if you still mattered to her.

“Sorry,” you mustered feebly whilst you tried to ignore the lump in your throat; you were on the verge of breaking down again already, and wondered if it would always be this way, now, even after you tried, and hopefully succeeded in taking your life, “I’ll - I’ll come out soon, I promise, I just-..”

“Were you sick again?” She asked, and you would frown, before nodding gravely as if she could see you, finding you couldn’t verbally answer; you felt too weak, and as if you should try and avoid burdening her again to the best of your ability. “It’s okay, Y/n, you - you can tell me,” she reminded you, and you would begin to feel even worse, cursing yourself for being the way that you were like you had found yourself doing more and more, recently, feeling as if you deserved it, “talk to me; I’m worried about you.”

“You shouldn’t be focusing on me; you should be focusing on yourself,” you murmured, and Barbra would falter, a hurt look on her face, before she shook her head gravely, “Barb, you-.. you just.. broke up with Hannah; I heard you - I’m not important right now; not important ever, so - please stop wasting your time on me-”

“But I want to waste my time on you; I-..” She would then falter, hastily stopping herself from continuing. “Please just come out; I need to see you,” she pleaded, and you would draw in a shaky breath, before lifting your hands up to your face, brushing your tears away, and getting up to open the door, forgetting how to breathe as soon as your gaze had fallen upon her, and she would find herself forgetting how to breathe alongside you whilst she admired you, and would then timidly step forward to throw her arms around you, but you would step back before she could, prompting her heart to sink whilst her tears would get shocked out of her eyes, prompting you to begin feeling worse, but you knew you’d only make things even worse for her if you stayed, and gave into your feelings again.

“I’m not good for you,” you reminded her dejectedly, “Barbie, you-.. you deserve better, remember? If Hannah wasn’t that for you, and I wasn’t that for you-”

“You are that for me,” she interjected confidently, and you would fall quiet, before glancing up at her again after you’d briefly bowed your head to hide that you’d begun to cry again alongside her, “you always have been, I swear; Y/n, you’re everything to me; Hannah means nothing to me, okay? Nobody else could ever mean to me more than what you mean to me, and that’ll never change, I promise.”

“You were using her, weren’t you?” You guessed, surprised; you didn’t think you’d ever see her do something like that, for you.

“She knew,” Barbra added hastily, her voice briefly trembling whilst she did, “Y/n - I - I didn’t know what else to do; I need you back - more than anything, s-so please-.. give me another chance; give us - another chance.”

Barbra would then timidly inch closer to you, prompting you to falter whilst you locked eyes with her in the best way possible, finding you couldn’t speak for a moment whilst you stammered quietly, before managing to recompose yourself.

“Can’t you see that what I’m doing to you is - is not good?” You asked, your voice close to a whisper, and she would shake her head hastily.

She would then lift her right hand up to your left cheek, prompting you to lean into her touch subconsciously whilst you admired her; you’d missed her so much, though it hadn’t been that long since you’d last left, and she couldn’t help, but glance down at your lips whilst she found herself longing to connect her’s to your’s, desperate to feel the butterflies you gave her every time you both found yourselves kissing, and she also longed to feel warm and fuzzy again like she always did with every kiss you both shared, as well as with every embrace and glance you’d both given one another ever since you’d both first met, and fallen in love with each other so blissfully easily and quickly as if the connection had been waiting to form since you were both created, and truly born as if you’d never lived before your gazes had fallen upon one another.

“What you’re doing to me is amazing, Y/n; I love who I am, because of you,” she answered whilst she inched even closer, “but not as much as I love you, and always will, n-no matter what happens, I promise.” She would then lean forward, and you found you couldn’t move away, or even wish to whilst she blissfully connected her lips to your’s in the best way possible, soothing you whilst you melted into the kiss, subconsciously wrapping your arms around her waist whilst you did, and she would return the hug whilst she held you close to her, allowing her to connect her forehead to your’s affectionately to further soothe both you, and herself in the best way possible whilst you both couldn’t help, but giggle breathlessly together, your hearts racing together like they should be, until your’s decide to overwhelmingly skip a beat, prompting you to begin to feel nauseous again whilst you leaned heavily against her weakly. “Baby?” She cooed, whilst holding you up, terrified all of a sudden; she’d picked up immediately on your change in demeanour. “Baby, what’s - what’s wrong?” She asked, and you would shake your head gravely once more whilst a pained expression crossed your face - the change had reminded you that you most likely would have little time left, anyway, if you didn’t go to the doctor, prompting you to feel worse whilst a strained sob would escape your lips.

“B-Barbie, I-.. I can’t stay,” you whispered shakily, and she would falter, your few words cutting her deeper than anything else ever could, “look at me; it’s never gonna get better for us-”

“You don’t know that,” she reminded you hastily, desperate for you to stay whilst she subconsciously clung to your arms whilst her wet eyes silently pleaded with you; she couldn’t let you go again, “please, babe, stay, f-for me, Bailey; us. We’re meant to be together, I can feel it, c-can’t you?”

“I’ve felt it ever since I first laid eyes on you,” you admitted barely audibly, and she couldn’t help, but smile lovingly back at you, until you staggered a little, your legs failing you, and Barbra would have to hold you up again, but she didn’t mind as she loved to hold you close to her, leaving no gaps between you both, “B-Barb, I-.. if anything ever happens to me, I just want you to know that I love you, m-more than I could ever love life itself.”

“It’s okay, baby,” she cooed gently whilst she stroked your hair with her right hand, trying not to panic whilst you seemed to be gradually falling unconscious within her arms, your skin pale again, and cold, with a faint tint of yellow the way it had been, recently, terrifying her even more - she knew she’d have to do it; she’d take you to the hospital - she couldn’t let you die on her, “you’re gonna be okay; I’m gonna take you to the hospital, okay? A-And they’re gonna fix you up for us; you’ll be good as new, I promise-”

“Barb? What’s going on? Is Y/n okay?” Gloria inquired upon her entry into the room; they’d briefly retreated back into the living room after she had knocked on the toilet door.

“N-No; she needs to go to the hospital,” Barbra answered, her voice briefly trembling whilst she did, and you would wonder what they were saying, your ears ringing to the point you found you could no longer tell what it was that they were saying whilst you subconsciously clung to Barbra, feeling much safer and more content than you had ever been within her embrace though you were in this disorientated state, and feared that you might soon end up finding your life slipping away from you; this must be it - your liver must already be failing you the way your doctor had warned it could as a result of your recent excessive drinking sessions ever since you’d lost Barbra. “C-Can we take her, please?” She pleaded, and Gloria would nod hastily whilst also trying to remain calm, rushing back into the room to get her husband, and to try and make up an excuse for Sasha who she felt wasn’t ready to see you in a state like this. “You’re gonna be okay, babe, I promise,” she cooed, “just keep holding onto me, okay? A-At least until you feel like you can’t anymore, and then I’ll carry you when you feel too weak to continue, a-all the way if I have to, because-.. I love you, baby, a-and I hope you can hear me right now because-.. because I want to tell you I love you until my throat won’t let me anymore, because I do, and I always will; nothing’s ever gonna take us away from each other - it can’t, so don’t ever worry about it happening, because it’s impossible, n-no matter what; it’ll always be you and me against the world-”

“We’re ready,” Gloria stated after rushing her husband out of the living room, and closing the door; she’d managed to convince Sasha to stay, though she was worried, and longed to go with you, “how is she holding up, a-and how did it even happen?”

“I don’t know - she just-.. it just happened, I guess,” Barbra answered, “a-and I’m scared; I don’t think she can hear me - she’s not responding or even looking up at me anymore.”

“Is she unconscious?” Gloria’s husband suggested, and Barbra would shake her head; she could feel that you were still clinging to her for dear life as if you were afraid of her possibly disappearing somehow if you let go of her.

“She’s holding me; I can feel it, she’s just not responding, and I don’t know what to do,” she expressed a little shakily whilst she continued to stroke your hair, knowing it soothed you whenever she did it, as well as herself, “can they help her, d-do you think?”

“I’m sure they’ll be able to figure something out for her,” Gloria tried to reassure her, “c’mon - the faster we get her down there, the better.”

Barbra would nod, before carefully picking you up off of the ground whilst you continued to cling to her shoulders, a pained expression on your face; your abdomen was burdening you again, and she wished she could do more to try and relieve you of your pain, somehow; she couldn’t bear seeing you like this, and knowing that there was nothing else she could do.

“It’s okay, Snuggles,” she managed weakly, “we’re going, now - you’re going to be okay, I promise, just stay with me, baby, p-please.”

“We-.. We can’t go,” you rasped, finding yourself struggling to even breathe; it was excruciating to try, and Barbra would falter upon hearing your voice the way that it currently was whilst she carried you out to Gloria and her husband’s car behind them, “Sasha’s party-”

“We’re gonna make up for it tomorrow; she understands,” Gloria reassured you, but you wouldn’t respond, still finding you couldn’t hear them, so instead you would find yourself admiring Barbra again whilst you shakily lifted up your left hand to her right cheek, and she would smile warmly down at you whilst she leaned into your cold touch.

“She cares about you too, you know?” Barbra reminded you, and you would appear puzzled, as if you still didn’t understand. “Just relax, Snuggles - you need to rest, if you wanna get better,” she cooed, before carefully lowering you into the car, and getting in beside you, making sure to cradle you close to her the whole way to the best of her ability, though it was certainly awkward to do whilst you had the seatbelt on, “j-just-.. please don’t go to sleep, yet.”

Gloria would smile sadly back at you both, before starting the car. “She’s gonna be okay, Barb, I promise - don’t worry,” she spoke gently, and Barbra would nod slowly whilst she focused her attention back onto you, stroking your hair with her right hand whilst she affectionately rested her head upon your left shoulder, you leaning on her comfortably, breathing quite faintly whilst she silently begged you to keep breathing like you were; to never stop, and luckily she would find that - once you’d all reached the hospital - you were still breathing for her; trying your best to stay awake for her as you didn’t want to further worry her, but you soon found that you would fall unconscious as soon as you’d noticed the hospital outside, feeling much too weak and exhausted to stay awake any longer. This would - as expected by Gloria and her husband - panic Barbra, but they would try and distract her as much as they possibly could once they’d carried you inside, and luckily managed to find someone who could treat you, appearing surprisingly willing to as they could see that you were in a desperate state seeking immediate attention, somewhat relieving Barbra to know that you were in safe hands, especially when she heard not too long after you’d been taken in that you were stable, and would soon wake up, except she couldn’t help, but notice that the doctor who had taken you in appeared tense, evidently worried to share the next half of the news with her and the others - things were going to be difficult for all of you, especially you and Barbra for a little while, now that you found yourself in need of a new liver unbeknownst - currently - to the others, but she would try not to panic anymore than she already was, until they spoke up again, and gently requested for the group to follow them into their office, prompting her to break down, shake her head hastily, and then rush out; she couldn’t bear to possibly hear that she could still lose you, and intended not to, especially not whilst she’d already begun to feel sick, and found she couldn’t stay within the room any longer - not until the doctor was gone, and she could be alone with you again.

~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed it! ❤️

[daily-dose-of-writing]

For your 1-year anniversary, how about a fill of this prompt:

You gain the power to travel to fictional worlds, so you immediately decide to travel into your favourite novel, only to then find out that you’re the inter-dimensional evil they’ve been foreshadowing for the past 3 books

Only if you want to ofc, no pressure, please and thank you! 💖

First of all, I’m so sorry I got really carried away with this and it’s about three times longer than I initially intended, so I’m literally going to have to post it in three bits because it’s too long for one post, and I also got a little bit carried away with the plot of the favourite novel. Secondly, I hope you like it!!

[tw: a bit of violence and blood mentioned, childhood trauma and what I guess is very mild psychological horror]

———

She never meant to end up there, that much is true, but she most definitely wanted to. Reading has and always will be a form of escapism; therefore it should not be a surprise that everyone who does it may wish to disappear into the world inside those pages. This is, of course, just a fantasy. Wishing to be in a world born from someone else’s imagination is nothing more than a fun thought experiment; something to waste time while you’re riding the bus. It has never been an achievable feat. That is, until a few months ago.

The pages of her book fluttered half-heartedly as another train rushed past. Her hair was not so well secured, so it swam irritatingly in front of her eyes, forcing her to turn her attention away from the words on the page in order to swipe it away. She scowled.

It was not as though she were at a particularly interesting point in the book yet, but the interruption was still as unwanted as they often are. She returned her gaze to where her thumb held the book open at the spine. It was still in the developing portion; none of the major action had occurred yet, but something was brewing. Something had been brewing for a while, by then.

The book was the fourth and final instalment in a series that she had practically gobbled up. It was a wonderful story. The books revolved around five people who had all been the heroes of their own stories long ago, but had long since been forgotten as all but children's bedtime stories. They were ageing and greying and fiercely protective of each other and their thankless world who did not notice their help.

Each enemy they had faced thus far had known a frankly concerning amount about each of them, yet had refused to reveal their source. The similar information and attitude had led the group to theorise that they were all from a single group or organisation hell bent on what, they weren’t quite sure. It unnerved them greatly.

Despite everything, they concluded their adventures successfully. Although, there was a refreshing sense of realism to the story; as you could easily sense how much each fight was grating on them. They were being consumed by their own narrative.

They had surpassed the horizon of their own stories many years ago and were becoming nothing but hollow shells and reanimated corpses, dragged through a story they had never meant to inhabit. The desperation of the cause, of being meaningful, was all-consuming and slowly devouring them. Their paranoia — of a greater enemy that they knew only the outline of; from shambled, half-false scraps of information and near-forgotten folk tales of shadow people in shadow worlds — was driving them insane. Weariness was a constant companion to their souls.

Another train rushed past in a flurry.

She continued to read. One of the characters was becoming aware that there was something in the dark and she was almost certain it was observing her. Yes, she thought, something is most definitely brewing.

At last, her own train arrived and she stood from her seat on one of the platform benches. A crowd was massing around each of the doors to what she could see were also rather full carriages. It was going to be a long day.

She opened her bag and began putting away the book when she overheard someone pleading to get onto the train. She looked up to see a rather ramshackle-looking man half off the platform, trying to get into the already packed carriage.

Distantly she heard one of the accusing voices within the train call the man “grimy,” and frowned. He was obviously desperate to get onto the train; they didn’t have to be cruel about it.

At last, someone gave a great shove and the man went tumbling backwards. Instinctively, she lurched forward to stop him from smashing into the concrete, catching him just before he hit the floor. The doors of the train snapped shut and a moment later it sped off into the dark, leaving her attempting to haul the man onto his feet.

“Sorry about that,” she said, still in shock of the other passengers, “I can’t believe they did that. I — I should report them, they assaulted—”

“Thank you,” the man proclaimed sincerely, breaking her rambling train of thought, “However can I repay you?”

“Oh, uh,” she scrambled for a reply. In her peripheral vision she could still see the receding tail end of the train and winced, “Give me the ability to run off into a fantasy world where I don’t have to go to work this morning,” she joked, thinking of the look she knew that her manager would be wearing when she attempted to excuse her third late arrival that week. Something inside of her twisted at the thought.

“Alright.” The man replied, a flat tone to his voice and a sincere expression to his gaunt features. “As you wish.”

“You— what?”

Another train rushed past, drawing her attention away. When she turned back, the man had disappeared into the encroaching crowd waiting for the next train. Her brow crinkled and her lips parted lightly, but more and more people were arriving and she had already lost sight of the man.

The next train was equally as crowded as the first, but miraculously, she had managed to snag a window seat. The glass was cool against the clammy skin of her forehead and it soothed the encroaching headache from the hustle and bustle in the carriage. She supposed that the headache was also, in part, to do with the strange man who had offered she the ability to run into fictional worlds. Perhaps he was mad.

Absentmindedly, she began to wonder what it would be like if she could disappear into the world of one of her books. She wondered who she would be, an antagonist or a hero or no one at all. She wondered if she would reinvent herself or be painfully truthful to her own nature — of which would make her more trustworthy. She wondered if it would be fun, or if she would wind up as the same, hollow, shell of herself that the characters did; if she would return as somebody entirely different.

A heavy exhaustion suddenly began to weigh on her chest, a pressure that squeezed her ribs like an enormous pair of hands or a snake constricting around its prey. With heavy-lidded eyes and a gently throbbing head, she let the comforting lull of sleep sweep her away.

Sunshine tickled delicately at her fluttering eyelids. It was soft and warm against her face, reminiscent of summer picnics during childhood spent lying on a hillside looking up at the vast, blue sky — the sort that were more dream than memory. Licks of grass brushed against her neck almost reverently, soft and dry but prickled just enough to make it tickle. The coolness of glass and the odd softness of the synthetic seat material of the train was entirely replaced.

She opened her eyes and sure enough the sky was very blue and she was very still atop a hill of wild grass.

Dreaming, she concluded, was what was happening at that moment. It was simply a very, very, vivid dream. A light wind brushed across her cheeks and the delicate scent of the wildflowers, mixed with the cloying smother of midday heat invaded her nostrils. She could hear a cricket somewhere in the underbrush and cars shimmying along a road somewhere down below; the whooshing rather similar to that of a violent river or cacophonous wind. A very, very vivid dream.

She got up brusquely and looked about herself. At the top of the hill was a squat, white building with a slated roof and what appeared to be gold writing embossed on its side, but which was too far away to read. Curious and with little elsewhere to explore, she made her way swiftly up the hill.

The long grass pulled and caught on her boots as she walked and she tried determinedly not to think of the disturbingly realistic quality to it. Slowly, the building grew closer and closer, and the words began to become increasingly clear. “The New Inn,” they read. Absentmindedly she remembered someone telling she that words in dreams were incomprehensible and began to wonder why those were not.

‘The New Inn’ was a pub similar to any that she had seen before: thus she decided that it was simply her subconscious taking old memories of random pubs and recreating them. The bar was the first thing that she saw when she walked in through the door; it stretched the length of the first room with an array of colourful bottles behind it and empty cups upturned on the work surface. Each of them had the signature brand label on the front but none of them were recognisable to her. Similarly, the alcohol all seemed to be completely unknown brands.

The bartender: a young man with dark hair and wire-rimmed glasses looked up at her arrival and asked if they could be of assistance.

“Where am I?” She asked dumbly, tongue thick with disbelief and utter confusion.

“This is the New Inn,” he answered quickly. He had a deep voice, rumbling but soft; it didn’t quite suit him.

“What town though? Where are we nearest to?”

He frowned curiously and recited the name of the three surrounding towns. She almost laughed in his face. The towns that he had named featured heavily in the first two books of the series that she had been reading. The author had wanted to create a world that was similar but not quite the same as her own and had thus made up the names of each of their towns and cities — as well as avoiding references to pop culture.

“Are you sure?” She asked him.

“Quite.”

She reminded herself that she was surely dreaming and left quickly the way she came. A sudden thought crossed her mind; if it was indeed the world within her books that she currently resided, then she could probably catch the protagonists hanging around somewhere. It depends on the date, she thought.

Suddenly very curious, she slipped quickly back into the pub. “Sorry, yes, and er, what’s the date?”

The bartender offered her and increasingly exasperated glance but answered anyway. “August 4th.”

“Mmhmm,” she hummed, “Year?”

“Ye- you don’t know what year it is?”

“Humour me.”

The bartender sighed and pushed his glasses further up his nose. “It’s 2026.”

She grinned feverishly. She was standing right at the beginning of the narrative; the first day of the story, just before everything began to come together. “Cheers,” she exclaimed and dashed out of the door once again, leaving the bartender gawking in her wake.

She knew exactly which town to go to in order to observe the unfolding story and thankfully there were road signs outside of the pub. As she walked, the strange man from the train station and the sincerity of his words returned to her, almost like a warning and they rattled around inside her head. Perhaps it wasn’t a dream. She laughed; of course it was a dream. It had to be a dream. This is just what you get from binge-reading something, she thought.

It was only a short walk, ten minutes or so — or at least what felt like ten minutes; in a dream state that could have been hours. She remembered the church being a particularly well embellished monument within the opening description of the scenery, so that was what she headed for. It was a great, towering structure that loomed over the surroundings with a watchful eye. The ancient clock settled below its domed roof counted backwards for a reason unknown to anyone at all, yet had never been fixed for that was how it had always been.

It was about half an hour before she spotted them; bespectacled, with freckles spattered across their face like constellations, hair and eyebrows just starting to go grey — the spitting image of how the book had described them. She grinned.

Behind by about a hundred and fifty metres, she followed them to the small shop where she knew would be the scene of the first skirmish of the book — as well as the reader’s first introduction to their character.

As to not be injured by the impending fight, she waited outside, watching through the window. A punch was quickly thrown, then another, then she barely had time to step aside as the offending party was thrown through the front window. The offender sputtered and staggered in the broken glass and peered up as a hand gripped hold of their shirt and wrenched them up. She winced. Despite knowing the offender deserved to be put in place for harassing the cashier, she couldn’t help but pity the for the beating they were getting.

A few others had come to watch. Beside her stood a tall man in a black suit, his hair was gelled back and he looked as though he was going somewhere important. “You know,” she murmured conspiratorially, “They were a hero once.” The man raised his eyebrows above the dark glasses that she hadn’t noticed he was wearing in a questioning manner. She took that as her cue to continue. “Yeah, years ago by now, but they’re still trying to do their hero stuff,” the offender’s back thudded against the wall and she winced again, “as you can see.”

“Pray tell, do you know much more about them?”

Excited, she began to babble. “Oh, yes! This is Sam Wallace, no one really knows them much anymore but they saved god knows how many people back when they were a kid and recruited by one of those dodgy ‘superhero’ agencies — you know, those ones that got shut down because they really mistreated their employees and recruits, by like, locking them in rooms with rats and whatnot to scare them into submission? They live just up the road from here, they’re really cool.”

The man smiled to himself and turned away, “Thank you ever so much for the information, I’m sure I will find it vital in future.”

Too caught up in watching the fight, she waved the man off with a quick, “sure, anytime,” without any deeper inspection of the odd comment.

The police arrived soon after to take the retired superhero away, but so did a suspicious-looking, black SUV with some obviously government employees inside — who told the police that it was under their jurisdiction from then on. She couldn’t stop smiling; everything was happening just as it was in the book.

Over the following two weeks, she followed the group of retirees and half-forgotten legends through their escapades, until they finally discovered the antagonists base of operations. It was a rather decrepit warehouse in a forgettable corner of a generic industrial estate. Wide and squat, with a jutting roof and signature damp, concrete floor, it was by no means conspicuous. The unassuming nature of the building made it rather perfect as a lair.

The antagonists name was Ryker, or at least that was what he called himself. She crept in after the group in order to get a good look, hidden by the shadows of the towering, metal shelves. It worked. He was a tall man, half his face was cast in shadow, accentuating the angular properties of it and his sleek, black hair was swept backwards and gelled in place. He looked oddly familiar, but she put it down to reading his description in the books.

[asweetprologue]

so hard to say (so easy to do)

This is a follow-up to this fic I did for my halftober series, but can be read as a standalone! This is a whump fic, but all torture mentioned is fairly mild and there is a happy ending. A few people wanted a sequel so I’m finally able to oblige!  ao3

tw: hand trauma including broken fingers and mention of cutting near and around the forearms. 

***

He can’t remember how long he’s been here. 

Days? A week, maybe? It could have been months, and Jaskier’s not entirely sure he would notice the difference. Time began blending together so quickly after the first few sessions. The cell they are keeping him in is makeshift, once some kind of storage room in the dilapidated keep that the Nilfgaardians have occupied. It’s temporary, and so is his capture. One way or another. He will be disposed of the second they no longer find him useful. 

It’s a bit of a cat and mouse game. If he weren’t so thoroughly bruised, deep down in his core, he might be a little proud of how he’s led them along. They come every day, a few times, he’s not sure; there are no windows in his hasty prison. They never remove him from the chair he’s strapped to, and he’s been given only water, twice. He’s beyond hunger, his empty stomach just another point of pain alongside his other injuries. There are two men who work on him, one in what he assumes is the morning and one in the evening. They come in shifts. During the first few days - hours? weeks? - they would leave after he passed out, and he would be allowed to rest for a little while. Now they usually stay for a while, teasing him in and out of consciousness with wicked little hooks and blades. He faints too often for it to bring him any lasting peace. 

It’s a difficult thing to want to draw out, but draw it out he does. They ask him where the witcher has gone, and he tells them he won’t say, won’t give up his secrets (as if he has any). When they move to breaking his fingers, he tells them that he knows a few places, some towns that Geralt might be hiding out in, which he knows are safe to speak of. He tells them about witcher caches that he knows are long looted, old ruins where experiments past took place, unspoken but harmless truths. 

He never tells them the biggest truth: he has no idea where Geralt is. That way lies death, he’s certain. 

When he’s not entertaining Nilfgaard’s finest, he focuses on making plans of escape. None of them are particularly grand, or seem likely to work. Jaskier has gotten himself out of plenty of trouble in years past, but there’s not much one man can do against a full legion of soldiers. If he could get out of his bindings, he might be able to make it through the halls of the keep and sneak past the guards, but it’s a big if. It was a stronger contender in the early hours of his captivity, but now he doubts if he could even stand up for long. Weariness and pain have made his bones brittle, liable to crack at the slightest provocation. He fears if he tried to run he would do more damage than the Nilfgaards already have. 

He’s not sure if he’s thinking clearly. 

He doesn’t think about Geralt at all. He tries not to think about Geralt. 

He dreams of him, though. When he faints from the pain or exhaustion or thirst, he doesn’t dream, but a few times he’s managed to fall into a fitful sleep. In the dark of the cell he dreams of calloused hands and smiling, golden eyes. The worst is when he dreams that he’s woken up by Geralt’s side in their small camp, warm and content, only to wake again to the cold, damp dungeon. The smell of it chokes him, iron and piss and mold, and he gags on bile when he has nothing in his stomach to throw up. He sits in the dark, alone, his broken fingers throbbing along with his pulse as it rushes through his ears, every cut and bruise aching in the chill air. For a long while he just breathes, wishing so desperately to be held that he feels like nothing more than a child. 

They come for him again the next morning. Or night, he doesn’t know, can’t tell. The torch burns his eyes, and he closes them tightly to avoid one pain he doesn't have to endure. It’s better if he doesn’t look, anyways. 

In his brief glimpse of his tormentor, Jaskier could tell that the torturer this time is the thin man. His counterpart is huge, with shockingly broad shoulders and big, meaty, uncoordinated hands. Most of the bruises are from the big one, who prefers to slam his fist into Jaskier’s ribs when he doesn’t hear what he wants to. In his brief and endless time here, Jaskier has learned that he prefers the meat man. The thin man who stands before him now is a surgeon, precise and accurate in all his movements. His fingers are long and thin, and they reach so easily inside to pluck at Jaskier’s delicate veins and nerves. In a strange way, Jaskier can almost appreciate it, one artist to another. The human body is an instrument to the thin man, and the music he makes is pain. 

He can hear the sound of a cloth, rubbing across a smooth surface. It reminds him of Geralt, wiping down his blades with old silk, who he will not think of in this moment. Jaskier squeezes his eyes shut even tighter, trying to will his mind into stillness. He’s not any good at this, not really. He can talk around the issue, sure, draw it out as much as he likes, keep them guessing. Jaskier would never let a single unintentional detail slip, this he knows in the depths of his being, past the music and charm and frivolousness. Nothing could make him betray Geralt and Ciri. He could run the Nilfgaardians round in circles for years if he wanted to. 

But he isn’t good with pain. 

This time the first knife to pierce his skin isn’t even preceded by a question. It comes with little fanfare, slicing into the pad of one of his twisted fingers in what Jaskier knows is a painfully intentional line. Exactly as big and deep as it needs to be to hurt him how the thin man wants it to. It burns against the swollen skin, already too sensitive. Jaskier lets out a slow breath, trying to brace himself for the rest. 

“I will no longer ask,” the thin man says. His voice is soft, with the almost musical lit of someone from near Toussaint. He always sounds breathy, like he’s been walking too quickly up a flight of stairs. “You know the question.”

Jaskier nods jerkily. He won’t speak for a while. He needs to draw it out, perhaps find a way to barter for some water or food. Information in exchange for things that might make his existence more bearable. Who knows how long it will be before - 

No. Don’t think it. 

The thin man hums and begins his work. 

Jaskier fades, coming back to himself only when the pain becomes the worst. He passes out a few times, but he finds no reprieve. The thin man waits for him when he wakes, and begins again. Jaskier doesn’t even know what he’s doing anymore. All he knows is that his skin has been replaced with fire. 

They haven’t even started working on his face yet, but the thin man had made some chilling comments about his eyes. Jaskier hopes they have time yet before that. 

He’s gritting his teeth through a particularly deep incision on the inside of his forearm - just shallow enough not to be dangerous, but wide enough to sting - when the door to the room shatters inwards. 

The chair that he’s in was bolted to the floor, which he expects is the only reason he doesn’t go flying backwards. As it is, his head rocks back from the blast and knocks into the wood, and he’s too dizzy from blood loss and dehydration and maybe a slight concussion to register what happens next. There’s some shouting, and a spray of something warm and salty across his face. A brilliant light, and then darkness. 

He keeps his eyes closed until he feels hands on his cheeks. When he opens them, he is met with gold, gold, gold. 

Geralt is here. 

“Melitele, that took you long enough,” he says, and then he passes out. 

***

When he wakes, there’s no pain. 

He sits up and winces, amending that thought. There is, most definitely, some pain. It crackles along his ribs and his joints, aching, but it’s dulled. He’s lying in a small room, warm wooden logs forming the wall next to his small cot. A fire crackles merrily away on the far side of the little cottage, basic cooking implements hanging above it. A table sits underneath a window to his left, where he can just barely make out a thin line of blue sky above a dense treeline. His bed is covered in rough, simple cotton sheets; the room is warm enough that it needs no quilt. When he lifts them warily to assess the damage, his torso is wrapped in fine linens, the kind Geralt likes to keep in their packs for when jobs go south. Three of his fingers are heavily wrapped as well, bound together to keep them stiff and straight. He fumbles as he picks up the still mug of water he finds on the little shelf beside the cot, and he drinks so quickly he nearly drops it on the floor. 

He’s so focused on the critical task of getting water from the mug into his mouth without spilling it all on the sheets that he almost doesn’t notice the front door opening. When he does, he jumps - can’t help it, suddenly filled with a bright spot of panic. It fades into sheer relief when he sees the slight silhouette and the faint, nearly white hair backlit by the late afternoon sun. Ciri stares at him, holding a wide, flat bowl against her hip while propping the door open with one hand. Suddenly the bowl goes clattering to the floor, dandelion greens falling in a floral carpet as she launches herself across the room at him.

“We were so fucking worried about you!” she says, throwing her arms around his shoulders. Jaskier laughs, the sound of it coming out rough but no less joyful for it. He lifts his sore arms to hug her back, ignoring the way it pulls at his healing injuries. 

“Now what would your father say if he heard you using such language?” he asks. One hand lifts up to card gently through her hair. Ciri pulls back a bit, and he tucks a stray piece of it behind her ear as she glares at him. Her green eyes are covered in a film of tears, but he won’t mention it. His eyes are burning a bit as well. 

“You know I only learned it from him,” she says, “and you. I’m angry with you. And him. You made us leave you behind.” She’s so young, he thinks, even with everything she’s been through. It makes something in his chest compress and expand at once. It’s a strange feeling, but not a bad one. 

“I know. I’m sorry,” he says, and he means it, mostly. “I didn’t want to. But I would do it again, to protect you. Both of you.”

A stray tear slips down her cheek. “You were so hurt,” she croaks. She takes a few breaths through her nose, biting the inside of her lip. “When they brought you back, Geralt was so quiet. Not like normal quiet, but like, like people get when they don’t want to talk about how bad it is. I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” She looks bereaved, guilt twisting her young features, and Jaskier can’t stand it. 

“No,” he says, firmly, as much authority in his voice as he can muster with it still raw from hours of screaming. “It was my choice, Ciri. The fact that people want to hurt you doesn’t make it your fault. I will always choose to protect you. Always.” He reaches out his free hand to take hers, squeezing it tightly. “You would do the same for me, Lioness.”

She nods shakily, and squeezes his hand back. He knows this isn’t the last time he’ll have to say it, but that’s alright. He’ll say it again. 

Ciri wipes her eyes quickly and pulls away. “I need to get Geralt. He’s been… not good. He needs to know you’re awake.” She stands up, rushing over to the door and righting her upended bowl, saving what she can of the greens. Jaskier takes a moment to arrange himself on the bed a bit, shuffling around until he’s more comfortable.

“Not good how?” he asks. Ciri shoots him a look. 

“Not good as in worried, of course. We all have. Even Yennefer. She stayed with you the entire first day you were back. It’s been -”

The door slams open again, this time revealing a panting Geralt. His hair is down around his face, looking slightly damp. He has on only a loose gray shirt over an old pair of trousers, the ones with a rip in the knee that Jaskier had told him to throw out but he’d insisted were good for at least one more season. Jaskier had been meaning to patch it up for a few weeks now. He’s so fucking beautiful Jaskier could cry.

“I was fishing,” Geralt says. He’s staring at Jaskier with wide eyes, one hand still on the door handle. 

Ciri says, “Um. I’m going to find Yennefer,” and slips out the door under Geralt’s arm. Geralt doesn’t even seem to see her. 

The door falls shut behind her, but Geralt seems rooted in place, staring at Jaskier with an expression that’s wide open and raw. It lands on Jaskier’s skin like a balm, tracing over every visible wound with desperate attention. 

“Well,” Jaskier says finally, “I’m not going to bite you.”

Geralt makes a hurt noise, and suddenly he’s across the room, crowding into Jaskier’s space. He hovers beside the bed, curved over Jaskier’s propped up form with his hands inches away from bandaged shoulders. He hesitates. Jaskier can’t stand it. 

“I didn’t get tortured for however long for you not to hug me once I’m rescued,” he snaps. “I’m not going to break.”

Geralt laughs, but it’s so strangled Jaskier isn’t actually sure it isn’t a sob, and then Geralt finally leans into him. His fingers come up to cradle Jaskier’s skull, holding onto the back of his neck like he really might fragment apart at too harsh a touch. His other arm circles around Jaskier’s chest until he can feel a warm palm spread along the base of his spine, anchoring him. Jaskier sighs, feeling the last of the tension leave him as he collapses against Geralt’s sturdy form. One wet strand of white hair tickles his cheek where he’s pressed against Geralt’s neck. 

“Four days,” Geralt says, so soft Jaskier might not have heard it if he didn’t half feel it through the rumble of Geralt’s ribcage. 

“Four days?” Jaskier repeats, turning it into a question. 

“How long they had you.” A hot breath leaves him in a long sigh, tickling Jaskier’s eartip. “Didn’t know if we’d find you in time.”

“I should have let Yennefer put that tracking spell on me all those years ago,” Jaskier says, aiming for light. Geralt just squeezes him a bit tighter, enough that it stings a little, before he eases off a bit. He doesn't let go. 

“She’ll do one as soon as she’s able,” Geralt says. “Used a lot of energy, healing you.”

“Exceptional job she did,” Jaskier says, soothing his nose along the line of Geralt’s throat. “My, ah. Well. Does she know if my - Any prognosis on, ah -”

“Your fingers will be fine,” Geralt says, bringing the hand on Jaskier’s neck down to cradle his bandaged fingers. “Yennefer said they’re mostly healed already, but she’s keeping them wrapped so you don’t aggravate them.”

Jaskier sighs in relief. “Well thank small mercies and powerful mages for that. How long am I bedridden for? I’m taking two days at least off of whatever orders Yennefer has given, knowing her she’s added an extra week just to keep me ‘out of trouble’ as she would describe it. I’ll not sit around a moment more than -”

“Jaskier,” Geralt interrupts. He pulls back, looking serious, almost grave. But his eyes are full of something else, something that makes Jaskier’s words catch and halt in his throat. 

“Yes, dear heart?” he prompts. Geralt closes his eyes. 

“I love you,” he says, soft and breathless. He opens his eyes suddenly, pupils blown wide as he meets Jaskier’s gaze. An expression that Jaskier has seen so, so many times steals across his features - scared, but determined. His witcher is a very brave man. “I’m in love with you. I didn’t know if I’d get to - if you would be -”

Jaskier reaches up to catch Geralt’s cheek in his wrapped palm, and Geralt’s eyelids flutter like he wants to close them, but he doesn’t. He stays looking at Jaskier, drinking him in as Jaskier is doing in return. His eyes are two spots of honey in the warm light of the fire and the afternoon sun spilling into the room. Jaskier leans forward and presses their lips together. His are too dry, and Geralt’s are a bit chapped. He bites them when he’s nervous, or worried. It’s also the most brilliant kiss Jaskier’s ever had - it feels like the relief of coming to a familiar place after a long time on the road, where you know the people and the food is good and everyone knows your songs. It’s cheerful fires in silver blue campsites, blankets shared on cold nights on the journey north, buttercups and dandelions braided into snow white hair. It’s coming home, the only way Jaskier has ever really known how. 

He pulls away, letting their foreheads fall together, just breathing in the space between them. Geralt smells like Roach, and fresh spring water, and lilac. “I know, sweetheart. I love you too.”

Geralt smiles at him, really smiles, beautiful and relieved. Ciri’s voice comes to them through the window, excited and drawing nearer, interwoven with a smoother tone that Jaskier remembers from hazy half wakeful moments. Yennefer will want to check on his wounds, will lecture them on getting distracted and ruining her hard work, but she will also smile and it will touch her eyes like it didn’t used to. But for the next few seconds, it’s just the two of them, and once again the moment feels unhurried and infinite. So he leans back in to kiss him again and steals Geralt’s quiet huff of a laugh to keep within his own mouth, and for a moment that’s everything there is. 

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Tw: medical/gynecology mention

As I was sitting in the waiting room today I couldn't help but reflect on how lucky I am to have access to affordable healthcare at one of the best health systems in the world. To have a team of providers that advocate for me. To be so supported through this nightmare of a journey by providers who actually care about my wellbeing.

Sitting there I was also nervous. A SIS ultrasound isn't a huge deal, but it's invasive. It doesn't help that the doctor I was seeing is male and that triggers a lot of trauma based fear. I knew it would be fine because I trust my OB and she set me up with him, but that didn't help the knot in my stomach.

I put on my brave face when they called me back. Repeating "I can do this" over and over. In the past my transvaginal ultrasounds have only been with the ultrasound technician. I never actually saw the doctor, they just read the images and gave me results. This time it was different. The technician got me set up and as soon and she slid the probe in the doctor walked in. That caught me off guard a little bit.

He walked and I could immediately sense how calming his energy was. He stayed at my head during the first portion of the ultrasound, which help me feel a little safer. He talked me through the SIS portion of the ultrasound and said that I was in complete control and we could go at my pace. Then he turned to the screen and started talking me through what he was seeing. He told me the uterine cavity looked good but they would need the SIS to be sure. Then we talked about my ovaries and how based on the images it looked like I had PCOS because of all the follicles. I laughed and told him I am well aware of my PCOS. He told me that my thinness will help keep my symptoms mild, so that's good I guess.

Then it was time for the SIS portion of the ultrasound. The doctor stepped down to the end of the table, looked me in the eye and asked if I was ok. When I said yes he said, "Before we start I want you to take a deep breath with me. In...and out. Ok. You're doing great." He then proceeded with the procedure, talking me through everything and never once touching me without telling me first and asking permission. It was exactly what I needed to feel safe.

The procedure itself didn't hurt like I expected it to. It was more uncomfortable than anything. The worst parts were when he cleaned my cervix and when they had the probe and the catheter inserted at the same time. They were very quick and so positive and reassuring the entire time. After they were done the doctor was beaming when he to me that my uterine cavity looks incredibly healthy and there is no reason it can't support a pregnancy. As he was walking me out he told me he is so excited for me and will be asking my OB to keep him posted on my progress.

A few hours later I got an alert that I had a message from my OB. I opened it to read, "[Insert my name], the uterine cavity looks normal!" Her excitement made me smile. This means she either 1. Thought to check my chart today or 2. Had the doctor follow up with her so she could reach out to me directly. Either way this is the perfect demonstration of how much she cares.

The advil I took before the procedure has worn off and I am having a little cramping and discomfort. I'm also exhausted from being wound up and anxious all day. However, I'm also relieved to get good news and hopeful that maybe the next pregnancy will be different. That maybe having a healthy baby in my arms isn't as unachievable as it feels.

[angstyandromanticwriting]

Louisiana Rose (an OC) X Fem!Reader Angsty, Cute, and Fluffy Prompt [Full Version]

• Rose’s face-claim is Margot Robbie as Nellie Laroy in ‘Babylon’

• There will be more!

!TW: Implied suffering from anxiety + separation anxiety, implied facing homophobia/homophobic views, implied suffering from depression + elements of self-doubt + self put-down(s), swearing, nudity, implied previously trying to commit suicide, implied previously being homeless, blood/mention of blood, implied trauma linked to abandonment (mild), mention of drug taking + alcohol abuse, implied sexual occurrence(s), smoking, presence of alcohol + drugs, implied having a bad relationship with family, insult(s), jealousy, abuse, being blackmailed/threatened - If I’ve missed any, let me know ❤️!

“Come on,” you encouraged excitedly, and Rose would hastily rush after you whilst she beamed over at you, her eyes glinting, “the water’s waiting for us, silly - d’you wanna get caught before we make it there?”

“That depends,” she remarked, surprising you as you appeared puzzled for a moment, glancing back at her whilst you waited by the railing of the local bridge, “do you?”

“I guess I’m up for anything, as long as it’s with you,” you mused, “but - I would like to go swimming with you again, so no, not today, anyway - now hurry up and get ready, before another car comes, or else I’ll lose you and I can’t let that happen, okay?”

Rose would hesitate, appearing taken aback as well as a little guilty, before she averted her gaze whilst her stunning icy blue orbs would darken a little; she wished you wouldn’t worry about her or care for her the way you did, especially not tonight, when she was due to tell you about her plan concerning your and her future together. You carefully climbed up onto the railing, before you glanced back at her, and smirked, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before she timidly inched closer to you, and warily looked down at the water below; she still wasn’t particularly used to jumping from such heights, but at the same time she liked to impress you, though it wasn’t something you needed her to do for you considering the fact that you had always been secretly smitten with her, ever since you both had first met, and become best friends.

As soon as you noticed the doubtful expression on her face, you would wince, and climb back down; you didn’t want her to feel as if she had to do this with you again if it scared her - nothing like that could ever change the way you saw her; how could it? Everything about her was perfect, in your gaze - it always had been, though she couldn’t imagine what it was exactly that you saw in someone like her, prompting her heart to sink a little as she bowed her head in an attempt to try and hide that she was being plagued by such thoughts; she didn’t wanna upset you the way she knew she would by appearing as dejected as she was in front of you.

“I - I’ll be up there in a minute, sorry, I just-”

“Rose,” you cooed gently, before carefully wrapping your arms around her waist in an attempt to provide comfort to her, prompting her to relax subconsciously within your embrace, before she returned the hug, and smiled feebly over at you, “you know you don’t have to do this, right? If it’s too much-”

“No,” she blurted out exasperatedly, before hastily shaking her head, and affectionately connecting her forehead to your’s, “it’s not too much, I swear - I can do this, I promise; I’m not scared-”

“Scared-?” You picked out, before raising your eyebrows a little, prompting her to wince, and try not to curse quietly whilst she looked anywhere, but in the direction of your orbs. “Nobody said anything about being scared,” you mused, prompting her to grunt, before she shook her head a little in response to your observation, wishing she’d not said anything and therefore slipped up, now; you knew her too well, just like she knew you too well, now, after everything you both had ever been through together ever since you were kids, and now adults, enduring the implications of what it meant to be in the same band together, as well as two women harbouring feelings for each other during a time in which such a topic might be considered to be ‘taboo’. “Are you scared, Louisiana?” You teased gently, prompting her to scoff, before she warily glanced up at you again, trying her best to appear confident instead of fearful for what might happen; what might go wrong, if you both jumped off of the side and into the water again the way you had not too long ago whilst the others were sleeping, and completely unaware of your being together behind their backs.

“Why would I be scared when I have you by my side, Bassey?” She inquired, and you would appear taken aback by her remark, as well as a little flustered, blood rushing up to your cheeks whilst you timidly smiled lovingly back at her, wondering what it could have been that you had done to deserve someone as perfect as her, being a supposed nobody like yourself. She then timidly leaned closer to you, her gaze drifting down to your lips for a moment, before she subconsciously lifted her right hand up to your cheek to delicately brush her thumb over your bottom lip, prompting you to shudder in response to the contact, your heart beginning to pound overwhelmingly whilst your thoughts grew to be louder than they ever had before - how could one person make you feel so alive, and strong even after everything you had both been through together? “I love you,” she whispered, whilst shyly avoiding eye contact with you again, but before you could lean forward to delicately connect your lips to her’s, she teasingly meandered around you, and climbed up the railing that you had, before, whilst she smirked knowingly back at you upon noticing you pouting up at her, prompting her heart to soar alongside your own - how could someone be so adorable and so sexy at the same time? The thought would prompt her heart to skip a beat again, before she subconsciously bit down on her bottom lip, and would hastily look down at the water below before you could catch sight of her doing so, wincing down at the waves again, until she drew in a deep breath, and closed her eyes; she’d do this for you, no matter how much it scared her to do so, not wanting you to have to do something less thrilling instead, though you believed - unbeknownst to her - that everything was thrilling as long as it was with her.

Before you could even respond, she was letting herself drop, and for a moment you yourself found yourself trying not to panic, your heart beginning to race again as you climbed up the railing to look down at the water and make sure that she was okay.

“Rose!” You called, your voice briefly trembling whilst your brain circled accusations around your mind - what if you’d got her hurt by encouraging her to do this again? What if you’d killed her by thinking this was a safe thing to do? What if you’d-

Before the next accusatory question could form, Rose was above the surface, beaming up at the sky, before she cheered, and excitedly waved up at you, eager for you to join her.

“Come the fuck on, Bassey!” She called back, prompting you to giggle, and grin down at her, evidently amused by her reaction to the exhilaration she was experiencing following that brief previous moment in time that she had found herself falling, before she was submerged blissfully by the cold, but serene and thrilling dark water beneath the bridge.

“Hell yeah,” you remarked, before cheering alongside her, elated by the relieving as well as thrilling success of her drop, “I fucking love you, Louisiana Rose!”

“Then get down here and join me, before I swim off without you!” She encouraged, before gesticulating with her head toward the nearest pier.

“Shit, sorry,” you mustered up faintly back, before grinning again, and - without hesitation - pulling off your top, surprising her; she thought you’d wait until you both reached the pier, but she wasn’t exactly complaining, at all, prompting her to grow flustered as she hastily averted her gaze, until your top and bra hit the surface a few paces away from her, prompting her to giggle subconsciously, evidently amused by the scene before her, whilst she tried not to think about what state you might be in, right now, no matter how much her gaze longed to drift up to you again, especially after your trousers and pants had shortly after joined your now partially sinking top and bra. “I’m coming, now!” You called, before diving off of the railing, and in good time, too - you could hear a car not too far away, and they would have caught you if you hadn’t jumped off of the side when you did, not that you cared much about them seeing you, unless Rose was put at risk by such an event taking place.

As soon as you landed, Rose eagerly awaited for you to resurface, only to find you taking much longer than she did, worrying her as she found herself trying not to panic whilst she subconsciously looked around for you, hoping to catch sight of you beneath the water, until she felt you suddenly lifting her up onto your shoulders whilst she squeaked, and clung to you, giggling uncontrollably alongside you; she’d never felt so whole being with anyone else, before, prompting her heart to sink, again - how would you react to the news she had het to tell you regarding her and Joel, another of your and her band mates?

“Fuck’s sake, Bassey,” Rose commented between fits of laughter, prompting you to beam up at her victoriously whilst you tilted your head partially, and lifted an eyebrow again; a new plan was evidently forming in your mind, and you knew she’d love it, or (maybe) hate it, “did you have to scare me like that?”

“Of course I did; you’re adorable when you’re scared,” you remarked, prompting her to pout down at you whilst her cheeks grew to be a little redder than they were, before, “you’re also adorable when you pout like that, so I wonder if you’d do it again if I-”

You then playfully allowed her to slip from your shoulders, prompting her to squeak again, before she resurfaced, and wouldn’t hesitate to tease you by splashing some of the water in your direction, prompting you to giggle alongside her, before you wrapped your arms around her waist again delicately, as if you could break her if you were any rougher, something you were terrified of doing, somehow, for fear of losing her, and finding yourself trapped in a grey and miserable world all over again, each day one in which you found yourself waking up unsuccessfully in a puddle of your own blood, or laying helplessly upon the street, depending on whether you’d failed to take your life only to have someone discover you, or if you had failed to find someplace relatively warm to sleep, before you’d first met her, and fallen deeply as well as hopelessly in love with her.

“I hate you, sometimes,” she claimed teasingly, whilst she affectionately connected her forehead to your’s again, and blissfully returned the embrace you had perfectly initiated in the best way possible, “but-..”

A pained expression then crossed her face, before she hastily bowed her head in an attempt to try and hide from you the sadness as well as guilt that had just washed over her; she should tell you the truth, soon, before it was too late; before you could find out about what she had decided to do tomorrow as soon as she and Joel were in the same room together alongside you and the others, who already knew, unbeknownst to you.

“I love you,” you cooed gently, before timidly lifting your right hand up to her left cheek, prompting her instantly to glance up at you whilst she subconsciously melted into your touch, and that was when you noticed that she was trying not to cry, prompting your heart to sink instantly upon noticing that her eyes were glistening, your expression softening. “Rose,” you began again, your voice full of the concern as well as love that you would forever hold for her, “what’s-”

“I need to tell you something,” she interjected weakly, prompting you to fall quiet instantly in response to her statement, your eyes widening a little - conversations could never be good when they started like that, could they?

🜚

You guessed you should have known that things might never stay the way that they were between you both; guessed you should have known that - living in such a time - you’d never be able to be truly happy with her, not whilst there were so many people against you both being together in the first place. You were sunk down heavily against the bathroom door of your hotel room, your heart sinking excruciatingly whilst you stared down at your hands, tears slowly streaming down your cheeks. You thought maybe you’d always be together; thought maybe you’d finally found someone who truly loved you, and was determined to fight for you, until she revealed to you that she and another of her band mates - Joel - were recently together, leaving you feeling as if you had nothing left within you, and as if nothing would ever be the same again as long as Rose was with Joel to try and keep the press off of your backs.

Ever since that day, you both found yourselves fighting more often than you ever had before, to the point even Rod - the manager of the band - was beginning to suspect you both, and the reminder would prompt your heart to somehow ache even more excruciatingly than it ever had before; you couldn’t bear to think that you were slowly losing Rose with each passing day that seemed to come, and so slowly go without you both being able to find it within you to resolve the situation between you, but you guessed - as long as she was happy - you should be happy, too, right?

Rose - that same night - was warily walking down the corridor of the floor your room was on, her heart pounding overwhelmingly whilst she anticipated what she might be about to say in an attempt to try and fix things between you both somehow; she was sick of being away from you; sick of the tension between you leaving you both feeling as if every conversation either of you initiated might turn into an argument, the way it tended to. As soon as she had reached the door of your hotel room, she lingered before it, drawing in a shaky breath, before she warily knocked upon the door, and silently begged you to open it, only for you to not answer her, prompting her to tense up, and wonder why a feeling of dread was beginning to wash over her - what if you were hurt? What if you’d tried to take your life again?

Her heart would skip a beat, before she hastily shook her head, and desperately pressed down upon the handle of the door again, but it wouldn’t budge, and the panic began to consume her even more as tears began to cloud her vision, and her heart began to race as if she were about to have a heart attack, until she remembered the note you’d left her the first night you both were settling into the hotel together - if you hadn’t removed it, your spare room key should still be under the rug, and - as she hastily crouched down without hesitation to lift it - she would express relief upon noticing that it was still there; you hadn’t removed it yet, and that meant she’d be able to unlock the door herself to get into your room, and make sure that you were okay, she just hoped you were sleeping, and therefore hadn’t heard her knock, until she got into the room and found you weren’t within the bedroom, or even the living room, leaving only the bathroom left for her to check.

“Y/n?” Rose mustered up warily, her voice briefly trembling whilst she timidly walked up to the bathroom door, only to discover that it was locked, prompting her heart to drop - surely you’d just gone into the room, and were about to come out, right? “Hey,” she continued exasperatedly, “you in there? I-.. I just wanted-.. wanted to make sure that you were okay, after earlier, a-and - y’know, the fight.” No response - she was crying, now; she couldn’t fight back the tears anymore; couldn’t ignore the possibility that maybe - on the other side of the door - you were already gone, and it was all her fault for what had occurred between you both not too long ago, now, prompting her heart to somehow ache even more excruciatingly than it ever had before; she couldn’t take hurting you the way she could see she was, but she wasn’t sure what else to do; she was terrified of losing you, the way she knew she could if the press or even the other band mates found out about you both harbouring feelings for one another, but she guessed there was nothing she could truly do, now, not now that she had already agreed to start seeing Joel and had made such a change known to the oh so loving press. “Y/n?” Rose pressed gently, as well as a little anxiously, her hands beginning to shake; she couldn’t believe this was happening; couldn’t believe that she could have already lost you, by now, but she was terrified, and didn’t know what to do, subconsciously connecting her forehead to the door whilst she cried quietly against it, silently begging you to say something, anything, just to reassure her that you were okay; that she’d not lost you, even after all that had been said and done between you both earlier regarding her and Joel’s new relationship. “Y/n, please,” she begged, eagerly pressing the handle down only for the door to remain unmoved before her, “just-.. talk to me; say something - I need you, I - I love you, I-.. I can’t lose you like this, so - so please stay with me, please-”

“You can’t be here, Rose,” you uttered dejectedly; your voice weaker than she’d ever heard it, prompting her eyes to darken a little whilst her heart ached alongside your’s; ached to be closer to your own again, “you-.. you should be with Joel-”

“No,” she blurted out exasperatedly, “I shouldn’t; I - I should be here, with you, and I am, aren’t I? Y/n, I - I’m here, now, a-and I’m always gonna be here for you, I promise, I-.. I love you - I’ve always loved you, you know that, right? Me being with Joel changes nothing between us-”

“It changes everything,” you contradicted faintly, a hurt look on your face whilst you stared blankly ahead of you, wondering why you felt so numb and yet so empty inside at the same time; nothing had ever hurt this much before, until Rose had revealed to you her being with Joel to protect you both from being harassed by the oftentimes homophobic press as well as audience, “Rose, you-.. you aren’t mine anymore; you were never mine to begin with, n-not-.. not in their eyes, but-.. now that you’re with Joel-.. they worship you even more than they did, before, just because-.. because it proves them right; they think you aren’t inverted, but-”

“It doesn’t matter what they think, Y/n,” she interjected, “at least - it shouldn’t matter-”

“If it doesn’t matter then why’d you get with Joel in the first place? Why are we constantly hiding from them, as - as if we don’t have the right to be in love with each other?” You questioned, and Rose would falter, a pained expression on her face, before she bowed her head, and would stare down at the ground whilst more tears began to leak from her stunning icy blue eyes; she couldn’t stand the pain anymore; couldn’t stand hurting you, but she couldn’t lose you - she just wished you knew that everything she was doing was to protect you from being hurt somehow by those who had biased opinions regarding your and her secret relationship. “If you even still love me anymore,” you murmured, prompting her heart to sink a little even more, somehow; she’d not heard your voice the way it was the day she first found you, “Rose-.. just-.. go back to bed, okay? Joel, he-.. he’s probably wondering where you are right now.”

“But-”

“Just go, Rose!” You cried, and she would appear taken aback, before nodding gravely, and sniffling barely audibly whilst her face contorted; she was struggling to hold herself together, now; it was painful, seeing things break down the way that they were between you both, but she wasn’t sure what to do anymore to try and fix things when they’d already got so bad the way that they had, prompting her heart to sink once more, before she begrudgingly released the handle of the door.

“Fine,” she retorted feebly, before cursing herself internally in response to her voice briefly trembling the way it had managed to, “I’ll go, I just-.. I’ll go, but-.. if you think I’m ever gonna talk to you again after today-”

“You won’t have to,” you uttered, prompting her to fall quiet whilst she wondered why her heart felt as if it were shattering into several small pieces one excruciatingly at a time, “I’m quitting, Rose; you’re never gonna see me again, after tomorrow - that-.. that’s probably made your day, right?”

Rose would appear taken aback, a hurt look on her face - it was happening; she was losing you, after all this time, and it was terrifying, but she wasn’t sure what to do anymore; wasn’t sure how she could get you to stay, without starting another fight between you both, so instead she drew in a shaky breath, and decided against trying, no matter how much it pained her as well as you to do so.

“Heaps,” she strained out, before drawing in a shaky breath, and stepping back from the bathroom door, “goodnight, Y/n.”

You would nod gravely, fighting back your tears to the best of your ability whilst a lump formed in your throat, and you were biting harshly down upon your tongue in an attempt to try and stop your voice from shaking the way you knew it soon would, if you gave into the breakdown you were verging on having.

“Good - Goodnight, Louisiana Rose,” you murmured, your voice close to a shaky whisper, and for a moment she found she couldn’t move, her eyes locked upon the door before her; she couldn’t do it; she couldn’t leave you like this, terrified of what might happen as soon as she dragged herself away from you, but at the same time she was worried about only making things worse, somehow, between you both, and the thought of hurting you even more than she had was enough to prompt her to nod gravely, before she tried to swallow the lump in her throat, and pushed herself to walk back toward the front door of your hotel room; she’d just have to try and make sure that you were okay in the morning, until she found herself being plagued by a nightmare shortly after this moment in time.

🜸•🜸

She was stood in front of the bathroom door again, tears clouding her vision whilst she lifted her right hand up to it, the door cold beneath her palm; she’d seen you slip into the room with a knife, and she was nervous; desperate to get in and make sure that you were okay before she could lose you, but before she could even press down upon the handle of the door using her left hand, she heard you cry out in pain, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before her blood ran cold - this must be it; this must have been the sign she was anxiously waiting for, though she had been hoping against hope that she wouldn’t hear it, until she did.

Consumed by panic, she desperately knocked upon the door, whilst hastily pressing down upon the handle; she couldn’t let you get hurt; couldn’t lose you, the way she feared she might be on the verge of doing so after hearing your cry of agony coming from within the room.

“Y/n!” She cried shakily, her voice hoarse already whilst she began to break down with every passing second that she found herself stuck behind the door, but you wouldn’t respond, crying quietly on the other side. “No, please - open the door, before I break it down!” She begged, and suddenly the handle gave in beneath her, and she staggered into the room, faltering upon noticing the scene before her, whilst her heart shattered as soon as her gaze fell upon your limp body, blood surrounding you, trailing up to the knife you’d used on yourself before she had entered the room. A strained sob escaped her lips, before she rushed up to you, but before she could reach your body, her knees gave way beneath her, and she found herself waking up back in her bed, covered in sweat, and her face almost covered entirely by the tears that had managed to leak from her stunning icy blue eyes.

•

“Shit,” Rose whispered shakily once she’d regained consciousness, her chest rapidly rising and falling whilst she looked around her room to make sure that she had only been dreaming; make sure that you hadn’t tried to take your life again the way she had seen you do so within the nightmare, and once she had managed to calm herself down enough to think clearly, she expressed relief, subconsciously easing her duvet closer to her chest whilst she stared tearfully up at the ceiling; she couldn’t imagine her life without you in it, but if she didn’t try and stop you from leaving tomorrow, she would soon find out what it would be like to be wandering excruciatingly through a black abyss of misery, and though she tried to get back to sleep, she found she just couldn’t calm down enough to try and clear her mind, until she began to think back to the night you’d shared upon the local bridge, prompting her to subconsciously smile softly against her pillow.

Your smile, bright eyes, and magical laugh was enough to make her feel warm and fuzzy all over again, making her hopeful that maybe things would go back to normal tomorrow, as long as she kept you with her somehow, and - with pictures of you in her mind - she felt strong and confident enough to believe that she could fix the cracks that had formed between you both, no matter what the future might hold for you now that she was with Joel in the eyes of the other band mates, as well as the press.

🜚

She spent the next morning anxiously waiting for you to join her and the others within the private room the hotel workers had set up for you, fidgeting with her hands whilst she distractedly looked down at the ground, thinking about what she could say to you to try and change your mind; try and get you to stay, until Joel sat beside her, prompting her to subconsciously wince whilst she tried to avoid eye contact with him as well as the others who occasionally glanced over at them.

“I missed you last night,” he remarked, prompting her to tense up, and frown down at her hands again whilst she thought back to you, and how she’d not managed to convince you to come out of the bathroom so she could see you again the night before, “where were you? I thought you said we were gonna meet up again-”

“I was busy,” she uttered impatiently, before wincing again upon acknowledging the impatient tone she was currently sporting; she was desperate only for you to enter the room; only for you to acknowledge her, and at this point she just wished he’d leave her alone so she could think about you and what she was planning on saying to you in silence, “sorry-”

“What could you possibly be busy doing at almost one in the morning?” He questioned, evidently suspicious of her, prompting her to grunt, before she got up off of the sofa, and dragged herself over to the alcohol cabinet, feeling as if she needed something to ease her nerves before you came in, and she tried to fix things between you both. “Rosanna,” he began again, only to be interrupted by you awkwardly lingering by the door, a pained expression on your face as you - for a brief moment - looked between them both, before you drew in a barely audible breath, and fidgeted a little with your right sleeve concealing the slowly healing cuts that you had left along your arm the night before following your and Rose’s most recent fight, as well as her revelation regarding her relationship with Joel.

“Sorry,” you mustered up faintly, prompting the others to fall quiet, and glance over at you whilst Rose’s eyes widened a little, and heart skipped a beat upon hearing your voice again, “I should-”

“Y/n-!” Rose blurted out brightly as well as a little exasperatedly, surprising you as you timidly glanced over at her, finding you then couldn’t look away as soon as you blissfully locked eyes with her, prompting you to forget how to breathe for a moment as you subconsciously admired her, before your heart began to ache excruciatingly again; you couldn’t give into your feelings for her anymore, forcing yourself to avert your gaze whilst she inched closer to you, only to falter in place with a hurt look on her face as soon as her gaze had disconnected painfully from your’s.

“Louisiana,” you murmured timidly in response to her, before you glanced back up at the others, trying your best to not let your gaze drift over to her again no matter how much it longed to, whilst tears began to cloud her vision; this moment was more excruciating than anything she’d ever felt before, but she wouldn’t let it deter her, determined to keep you with her somehow before she could lose you forever, something she knew she’d never be able to take without taking her life, or letting the usual crushed up Ecstasy pills as well as alcohol get the better of her. “I-.. I have an announcement to make.” You then drew in a shaky breath, before bowing your head again a little whilst you tried to muster up the courage to continue, no matter how much it was hurting you to do so, knowing that - as long as you decided to leave today - you’d never see Rose again, prompting your heart to somehow sink and crack even more than it already had, before this moment in time, but you felt as if nothing would ever change for the better, if you decided instead to stay, just to hurt her as well as yourself even more as long as you both weren’t allowed to be together the way you had always longed to be, ever since you both first met one another, and had become best friends, despite her parents being against the idea of you both having anything to do with each other, so you guessed instead she would be better off with you gone, allowing her to grow closer to Joel, like you thought she might if you were no longer in the picture, though you couldn’t imagine why she’d ever want you the same way that you wanted her, especially after everything that had recently happened between you both. “I’m leaving the band,” you strained out, and the atmosphere grew to be tense, Rose appearing dejected all over again whilst the others would appear taken aback, not expecting this decision from you, especially not so suddenly.

“You’re what?” Rod - the band’s manager - spoke up, and you couldn’t help, but roll your eyes, not wanting to have to repeat it as you knew it would hurt you even more somehow to do so; to be reminded that you’d soon enter some other world that took you away from the only woman you’d ever truly loved, and trusted, the way you did Rose, always had, and didn’t doubt that you always would, even after you’d found out about her relationship with Joel as if your and her own affair didn’t mean anything the way you had hoped it might to her. “Why?” He questioned, and you couldn’t help, but express relief; you didn’t have to repeat your intentions again, but that didn’t stop you from tensing up in response to his next question, trying more than anything to not let your gaze drift over to Rose again for fear of him realising that your feelings for her were the cause of your wanting to leave for her sake, as well as your’s, though you knew a world without Rose by your side would only hurt you more than anything else ever could.

“I just-.. I-..” You stammered, a pained expression on your face whilst you tried to find the words that kept lodging painfully within your throat; no explanation could ever be good enough to excuse you leaving Rose’s side, but you already knew that - after today - there would be no way that you could ever find it within you to forgive yourself for what you were planning on doing shortly after this moment in time. “I can’t do this anymore, okay? I-.. I can’t take doing - doing any of this anymore; I need to go, elsewhere, a-away from all of you; all of this, before-.. before it kills me.”

You were telling a lie in more ways than one; you were already dying, being away from her, but what did that matter anymore now that she had Joel?

“And where will you go to do that?” The question slipped from Rose’s lips before she even realised she’d thought it up, prompting you to falter again; her voice had to be the most perfect you’d ever been blessed enough to hear, only making it harder for you to try not to break down in front of her again as well as the others; they didn’t need to see how much pain you were in, especially not when such a secret would risk Rose’s life as well as your own.

“Home,” you answered feebly, before reluctantly glancing up at her, and then cursing yourself for doing so as soon as you noticed that she was trying not to cry, alongside you, but why was your decision hurting her just as much as it was you, when you thought you leaving would make her happier than she’d ever been before?

“But-”

“I need to pack,” you interjected hastily before she could continue; before she could try and change your mind, “t-the train, it-.. it’s leaving in a couple of hours, and I still have some packing I need to do, before-.. before I get on it.” You then warily cleared your throat; tried to swallow the lump forming within it, before you stepped closer to the door behind you. “I-.. I hope you’ll-.. you’ll all get what you want someday,” you uttered, “if-.. if you haven’t already achieved it, and - who knows - m-maybe our paths’ll cross again at some point?” You then timidly glanced over at Rose again, wishing your heart would stop racing as soon as your gaze locked blissfully with her own. “Rose, I-.. I hope you and Joel’ll-.. always be happy together,” you managed, before forcing a smile over at her, “a-anyway-.. you guys’ll probably be busy recording later so-.. so I just wanted to say goodbye, in case-.. in case we don’t see each other again once - once I’m finished packing.”

“You’re making a mistake, Y/n,” Rod stated, and you would frown, before glancing back at him, and trying not to nod gravely in response to his comment - it did feel like a mistake, no matter how much you tried to tell yourself that what you was doing was going to make Rose happy, and her happiness was all that mattered to you no matter what the cost, “but-.. I guess - if you wanna leave - you can go; we won’t force you to stay, and you’re right, we won’t be here, but-.. I - we - wish you well on your travels, wherever you end up.”

“Thanks,” you murmured, smiling feebly over at Suki and Eddie who both got up to hug you, “I-.. I’ll miss you guys, I just-..”

“The life of a star isn’t for everyone,” Joel remarked smugly, prompting Rose to falter, and subconsciously glare over at him whilst you would appear taken aback, a pained expression on your face, before you nodded gravely, and would avert your gaze hastily before they could all notice that tears were threatening to spill from your eyes all over again; you knew you weren’t good enough, the way he insinuated that you weren’t, and you guessed that was another reason why it was a good thing you were leaving the way that you were going to before the day could end miserably the way you knew the rest of your life would be without Rose by your side.

“You’re right,” you corroborated faintly, “it isn’t, and - and that’s partly why I-.. I’m leaving.”

“Don’t be an asshole, Joel,” Suki retorted in response to his remark, “Y/n-”

“It’s okay,” you reassured her gently, “I-.. I’m used to it, so-.. don’t worry about it - I should go upstairs and continue packing for later.”

“Right, sorry,” Suki continued apologetically, before smiling sadly up at you, “we won’t keep you any longer - g-goodbye, Y/n, until we - hopefully - see you again back in Louisiana?”

“Goodbye, Suki,” you replied faintly, before smiling feebly back at her, and glancing up at the others, Rose lingering in the corner of the room whilst small tears began to leak from her stunning icy blue eyes, “Eddie, Rod-..” You then warily allowed your gaze to drift over to Rose, a pained expression on your face, before you smiled weakly over at her, and then bowed your head hastily before you could break down alongside her. “R-Rose,” you managed barely audibly in a voice close to a shaky whisper, and she would hesitate, before nodding gravely, until you made to leave the room, prompting something to snap within her; she couldn’t let this be the last time she saw you, a strained sob escaping her lips once you had slipped from the room, but before she could leave after you, Suki threw her arms around her friend’s waist, prompting Rose to cry out in mental agony, surprising the others; they didn’t think she’d be so pained by your leaving, though they knew you both had always been quite close ever since she formed the band a little while back, and had invited you to join it as its bassist.

“No,” Suki cooed gently whilst she held her friend back from the door, “it’s okay, Rose - it’s not like you’ll never see her again, you know that, right? She needs time; you both do-”

“I can’t!” She cried, struggling against Suki’s hold; she was desperate to stop you, somehow; desperate to prove to you that she loved you, only you, and that Joel would never change the way she felt for you, no matter what the future held in store for you both. “You - You don’t understand, Suki, I - I need her!” She admitted feebly, and Suki would hesitate, a pained expression on her face, before she glanced back at Rod, and then let her go once her manager had hesitantly nodded his approval, though he was taken aback by Rose’s reaction to your leaving, but he wasn’t exactly made concerned by how close you both were, considering his brother was also gay, something he’d recently found out after his brother had found he could no longer hide it from him anymore.

|

As soon as she reached the door of your hotel room, she faltered before the doorframe, her heart pounding once her gaze fell upon you; you had been about to close the door, until you noticed her, your heart skipping a beat, and eyes glinting a little subconsciously, before you awkwardly averted your gaze, and tried to ignore how fast your heart was racing alongside her own.

“Y/n, I-”

You both would then fall quiet, stammering barely audibly after you’d found yourselves accidentally talking over one another, prompting her to smile weakly as well as apologetically over at you whilst you timidly smiled back at her, trying to ignore how loud your thoughts were during this moment in time; it would have been perfect, if it weren’t all about to end between you both after today.

“S-Sorry,” you mustered up in a voice close to a whisper, it briefly trembling, before you warily glanced up at her again though you feared what might happen if you locked eyes with her once more, knowing soon you wouldn’t be able to fight back your feelings much longer if you spent anymore alone time with her today, despite her recent revelation that she was now officially going out with Joel to protect you both from the many homophobic members of the press as well as audience that tended to watch you as well as her and the others on stage together, “you - you go-”

“No,” she blurted out exasperatedly, surprising you as you raised your eyebrows, and tilted your head partially; she didn’t want you to feel as if you had to do that for her, “you go; I owe you, m-more than anything, after - after everything that’s-.. yeah.”

You couldn’t help, but scoff, allowing your eyes to lock blissfully with her stunning icy blue ones; it was something you couldn’t resist, no matter how hard you tried to do so, prompting you to forget how to breathe for a moment whilst you subconsciously admired her, wincing as you began to stammer again, prompting her to appear hopeful as she hoped that maybe your reaction to her meant that you still felt something for her, despite all that had recently occurred between you both with Joel, as well as the fights you had recently been having as a result of their new relationship.

“You - You don’t owe me anything, Rose,” you contradicted gently, before managing a faint smile over at her whilst blood rushed up to your cheeks, before you hastily bowed your head again, and timidly rubbed the back of your neck, “do-.. do you wanna come in, or-?”

“I - I’m not sure, I just-..” She admitted warily, before subconsciously looking around to make sure that there was nobody else in the hallway listening to you both, prompting your heart to sink a little; things would never change; you guessed you’d always just have to live in fear together, terrified of being discovered by those who thought of the love you shared with her to be something ‘revolting’, as well as an ‘abomination’ to the nature of humans, not that you cared about what they thought of you, but seeing her scared made you feel guilty for allowing yourself to get too close to her - none of this would have happened, if you’d not fallen hopelessly for her ever since you both had first met, and become the best of friends, prompting your heart to ache and somehow ache even more excruciatingly though you had thought maybe it had already broken earlier whilst you miserably began to picture what your life might be like without her after today. “I wanted-.. I wanted to tell you that I-.. I-”

She then couldn’t hold it back anymore as her face contorted, and she began to break down again, a strained sob slipping from her lips whilst you would appear taken aback, a pained expression on your face; you weren’t sure why, but seeing her cry had always made you feel weak, and useless - you had always wanted to make her happy, and it hurt you to see that all you were doing - instead - was making her sad, but it didn’t surprise you, no matter how much it hurt you to know that this was just what you were known for doing - making things worse, no matter how much you wanted only for everything to get better for her, as well as everyone else who found themselves in pain within this same grey and restrictive universe.

“Rose,” you cooed in a voice close to a shaky whisper, prompting her to falter, before she threw her arms around you just in time for you to cradle her close to you whilst she cried into your left shoulder, dread consuming her again; she couldn’t imagine never hearing your voice again, and it was excruciating imagining never being able to hear you say her name the way you did; never being able to hear your magical laugh again, though you couldn’t imagine why she’d be upset by your leaving after everything that had recently occurred between you both the way that you could tell she was, prompting your heart to sink whilst your eyes darkened a little, and you would raise your shaky right hand up to the back of her head in an attempt to try and provide comfort to her by tangling your fingers blissfully within her hair - the softest you’d ever felt before, and most comforting you’d ever been able to experience against your palms; nothing would ever be the same without her by your side, but you couldn’t do anything about that, now, if you wanted her to be happy like you imagined she would be without you burdening her life anymore the way you had always believed you were ever since you both first met, and became the best of friends. “What’s-”

“Don’t go,” she strained out feebly, her voice smaller than you’d ever heard it before, and god did it break you inside even more than anything else ever could, “Y/n, I - I can’t-.. I can’t do this without you, I-.. I love you.”

You would appear taken aback, a pained expression on your face whilst she held you desperately at arm’s length; clung to you, her eyes wide, and pleading with you to stay with her before everything could collapse between you both again.

“Louisiana-”

“I need you,” she continued weakly, “just-.. please, don’t do this; don’t leave me - n-nothing, without you, is-.. is right; I can’t live out a future that doesn’t see me being with you, I just can’t, okay? So please just - just stay with me and I swear - I swear I’ll - I’ll break up with Joel; I’ll fix this - I need you, Bassey; I love you, only you, please stay.”

You would hesitate for a moment, a pained expression on your face whilst you again tried to swallow the lump forming within your throat; tried desperately not to break down for her - you wanted nothing, but to stay strong for her, terrified of hurting her even more by breaking down alongside her somehow, no matter how hard it was to do so with tears constantly fighting to escape your eyes whilst you bit down harshly upon your tongue in an attempt to try and stop your voice from trembling the way it longed to ever since you’d begun to feel as if you were losing her to Joel.

“And if I don’t?” You managed in a voice barely audible, and she would falter, appearing taken aback as well as puzzled for a moment whilst she tilted her head partially in response to the question you had posed.

“If you don’t what?” She inquired nervously, evidently anxious about what you were planning on doing; whether your upcoming decision would still mean that - after today - she’d never see you again, or if it would - hopefully - persuade you to stay with her the way she longed for you to, and had ever since she had first met you, and fallen deeply in love with you.

You would then appear nervous alongside her, timidly connecting your forehead to hers whilst you wrapped your arms around her waist, and warily averted your gaze down to the ground no matter how much your eyes longed to lock with hers, or drift down to her soft and perfectly shaped lips.

“Stay,” you clarified gently, and she would falter, a hurt look on her face whilst she subconsciously shook her head gravely in response to your answer, “what-.. what would you do? Would you just-.. forget about me? G-Go on living your life with Joel, or-?”

“No, Y/n,” she answered hastily; she didn’t ever want you to think that she would do something like that to you no matter what your decision, “I could never do that to you; I could never forget about you, and I’d never go ahead with Joel because-.. let’s face it - without you - I’d never be able to go ahead with the band, anyway.”

You would frown, your eyes widening a little whilst you glanced up at her, and instantly met her gaze; you didn’t think she’d ever give up entirely just because of your deciding to leave the band, as well as her side due to the recent occurrences that had taken place between you both, as well as Joel.

“What are you talking about? Rose-”

“I - I couldn’t do it, without you,” she insisted, “Y/n, we - we built this dream together-”

“It was your dream, Rose; it was always your dream, before it became mine to be a part of your dream alongside you,” you contradicted, “you can’t give it up for me; can’t give it up because of anything to do with me, so - so don’t, please, whether I do, or don’t decide to stay - never give anything up because I made you feel somehow like you had to, okay? Promise me-”

“No,” she interjected gently, prompting you to fall quiet whilst a hurt as well as guilty expression crossed your face; you couldn’t let her give everything up like that because of you deciding to leave, especially when she had spent years talking to you about how much she wanted to be a singer; how much she longed to be a part of a band, with you being a part of it; you being one of the supporting musicians of the same band to ensure that - like you had both promised one another - you would always be together, no matter what the future held in store for you; how could you forget something so significant as part of your and her relationship? “I want to do this with you, Bassey - always, only you,” she insisted, “and if you leave today, then-.. then I’m leaving, too, whether that’s-.. that’s by your side, or alone, but-.. I’ll give you time to decide whether you’d want me to go back home with you, or not, I just-.. Y/n, we-.. we promised each other that we - we’d never leave one another’s sides; we always said we were gonna do everything together; gonna maybe even elope one day, somehow, without the others knowing, but-.. I get it, we were younger back then, and you probably have new dreams that need you to get away, and protect yourself from being hurt, so-.. of course I’m not gonna force you to stay, no matter what you decide, no matter how much I-..” She would then wince, and draw in a shaky breath, before she bowed her head a little, small tears beginning to leak from her stunning icy blue eyes again; she couldn’t bear to think that there was still a possibility that she could lose you today; couldn’t bear to feel as if she could no longer share with you the significant three words that she felt for you, when they could easily become the last words she ever got to exchange with you, whilst it also terrified her to think that maybe she shouldn’t repeat them anymore for fear of you no longer feeling the same way for her, though - unbeknownst to her - you were also struggling not to pour your heart out to her through the very same words, and more, despite your deciding to leave as a result of the whole situation with her and Joel, as well as the biased press and audience you, her, and the others seemed to have. “Sorry,” she murmured, before managing a weak smile up at you, prompting your heart to sink in response to her apology; you didn’t want her to think that she had to apologise for her feelings, though it pained you to hear that she somehow did still have them for you, even after all that had occurred between you both and Joel recently.

You would nod gravely, before drawing in a faint as well as shaky and barely audible breath whilst she tried her best to avoid your gaze; tried to hide that she was trying not to break down all over again, but of course you noticed; you both knew each other too well, now, after all you had ever been through together ever since you were both kids, before this moment in time a few years ago, now.

“What are we, Rose?” You asked, and she would falter in response to the question, her heart skipping a beat upon hearing your voice trembling a little the way it had; she couldn’t stand seeing you like this, as she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek, delicately caressing it beneath her palm, her soft and warm touch soothing you instantly as you glanced up at her again, and wondered how you were already beginning to feel warm and fuzzy just because of the way she was affectionately handling you.

“The best thing that’s ever happened to me,” she answered without hesitation, and you couldn’t help, but admire her again, smiling softly upon noticing her eyes glinting alongside your’s whilst she brushed away a small tear that had managed to leak from your left eye using the thumb of her right hand, “I love you, Y/n L/n - I always have, and I always will, I promise, no matter what the future holds for us after today - it will always only ever be you for me, because - because you-.. you’re my soulmate, Bassey, and that’s all I know, now, not Joel, or anyone else, just you - you know that, right?”

It then was your turn to begin breaking down alongside her as a strained, as well as faint sob managed to slip from your lips, before you lifted your right hand up to the back of her head again; you couldn’t fight back your emotions anymore; you just couldn’t - they were too strong, and you loved her too much to hide them the way that you had been attempting to do so, before, despite the recent fights you had both been having regarding her relationship with Joel.

“I love you, too, Rose,” you whispered shakily, “but I don’t want you to give up the band for me - I just-.. I want you to have this; I want you to be happy - starting a band has always been your dream, a-and I can’t interfere with that, I just - I just can’t, okay? Look, if-.. if you really want me to stay, despite everything-.. tell me the truth about you and Joel.”

🜚

“So-.. you’re sure that this is what you want? That - That I’m still what you want, even after-?” You inquired, whilst you both were cradling one another’s now naked bodies covered by a duvet, a pained as well as hopeful expression on your face whilst you rested your head upon Rose’s left shoulder, revelling in the feeling of her drawing small circular designs upon your left side using the thumb of her right hand.

“Of course I am, silly,” she cooed, and you couldn’t help, but express relief whilst you smiled lovingly up at her, “I love you, Bassey - you’re - you’re perfect; e-everything I’ve ever dreamed of, and more; you’re everything to me, and you always will be, I promise - I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” you returned gently, before timidly leaning closer to her to delicately connect your lips to her left cheek, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before she smiled warmly back at you, and then carefully turned your head to affectionately as well as passionately connect her lips to your’s; she couldn’t help it, especially not after the brief heated session you had both found yourselves having a short moment ago; you knew you shouldn’t spend too much time fooling around, especially not when she was due to return to the others soon for their next recording session.

“So, you - you’re staying this time, right?” She asked, evidently nervous as she awaited your answer, prompting you to smile softly over at her again, before you nodded slowly, and affectionately connected your forehead to her own in the best way possible whilst blood rushed up to her cheeks again.

“Only for you,” you answered, and she couldn’t help, but express relief, her eyes glinting blissfully whilst she beamed back at you, her heart practically soaring alongside your’s whilst you both grinned over at one another in the best way possible, “like always, you - you win, Louisiana, but only because I love you, always have, and always will.”

Her heart would skip a beat in response to your remark, prompting her to appear flustered for a moment as she began to stammer a little, blushing faintly whilst you couldn’t help, but smirk over at her, loving the effect you seemed to have on her ever since you had both first met, and become the best of friends, whilst she, too, wondered how it was possible that one person could have such an effect on her the way you always had managed to, even when you both were younger than you were, now, as well as shorter.

“I - I love you so much,” she whispered shakily, small tears beginning to cloud her vision again, before she initiated another passionate kiss, whilst clumsily straddling you beneath her; the others could wait for a little longer, couldn’t they?

🜸🜚🜸

Shortly after she and her band mates had recorded another album, they were due to perform in a concert for their audiences again, but - Rose, whilst she anxiously waited for you to join her and the others backstage - found herself fidgeting with every second that passed, worried about what might happen tonight; she feared you getting upset again, seeing her and Joel together the way she knew you would have to, to keep the facade up of you both not being ‘inverted’, the way the press had often accused you to be, before, but she tried to soothe herself to the best of her ability by reminding herself that what she was doing was protecting you from the harassment she surely knew you as well as her might likely face if ever you both were discovered to be two women in love with one another.

“Where the fuck is Y/n?” Rod uttered, pacing whilst he took occasional drags from his cigar - it was evident that your absence was stressing him out, knowing that you and the others soon had to be on stage, performing for the audience that awaited you, but you still hadn’t come out of the private room you’d been assigned by the managers of the establishment. “Louisiana, have you heard from her yet?” He inquired, sharply turning to face Rose, and she would falter in response to the question, before hastily shaking her head, and then wincing, prompting him to grunt, before he expectantly raised his eyebrows over at her.

“I - I’ll go and check on her,” she replied, before awkwardly smiling over at him, and rushing out of the room, back down to where your’s was, until she stopped by the door, and would frown, hearing that you were crying quietly within the room. A pained expression on her face, she delicately knocked upon the door, before stepping back and patiently waiting for you to open it, which you hesitantly did after you’d managed to recompose yourself, worried about breaking down in front of whoever had come for you, until you opened the door to find Rose stood behind it, appearing worried about you with a soft smile that just made you practically melt inside as you found yourself verging on breaking down again - she knew you too well, and one glance over at her just made you feel as if you could always be open with her, the way you never could be with anyone else, before, not that you’d had many other people in your life besides her. “Bassey,” she chimed exasperatedly, her eyes glinting as soon as her gaze fell upon you, before she continued, feeling warm and fuzzy already just by being stood a couple or so paces away from you, “are you-?”

You couldn’t hold it back as you threw your arms around her, before you buried your face into the crook of her neck, and cried quietly into it, strained sobs escaping your lips.

“I - I can’t do this, Rose,” you mustered up shakily, prompting her heart to sink whilst she wrapped her arms around you, and eased your body closer to her own gently, “I’m scared-”

“It’s okay,” she cooed in a soft voice close to a whisper, prompting your heart to skip a beat whilst she rubbed your back soothingly using her right hand, gradually calming you down more than you thought anything ever could, “don’t cry; everything’s gonna be okay, I promise - what’re you scared about?”

A door opened somewhere nearby, prompting Rose to tense up for a moment, but she would try not to look around her, instead guiding you into your room, before she shut the door behind you both to provide you with more privacy than you had, before.

“I-.. I just-..” You stammered feebly, whilst she held you at arm’s length, her eyes full of the concern she was currently holding for you as you tried to muster up the words to explain exactly how you felt in that very moment of time, not sure what to do with yourself dangerously close to the performance. “Look at me,” you murmured dejectedly, “I’m-.. I’m nothing, a-and you, you’re-”

“I think you’re beautiful, Y/n,” she contradicted, and you would fall quiet, appearing surprised; you didn’t think she’d think that about you, especially not whilst you were in a state like this, “you’re always beautiful, no matter what, okay? Don’t worry about what they think; they don’t know you the way that I do - y-you’re the - the most perfect, a-and amazing, kind, and caring woman I’ve ever - ever met, a-and they’re just jealous of you, if they ever think otherwise about you; you’re everything, Y/n, and you always will be - I know you will, okay? So don’t ever go and doubt yourself because of what they think, b-because - because all that matters is - is that-.. that we love each other, for all that we are; we’re - we’re like - two peas in a pod, or something, and - and that might sound cringey, but - it’s true, and that’s all that matters; they don’t mean shit to us, ‘cause they’re all the way outside of the pod, aren’t they?”

You would hesitate, a pained expression on your face whilst you averted your gaze hastily down to the ground - if they were so far outside of the pod that she claimed they were, why did she feel as if she had to be with Joel to protect you from them?

“I - I guess,” you answered, before managing a weak smile up at her, prompting her heart to skip a beat, before she smiled lovingly up at you whilst delicately brushing away the last of your tears using the thumb of her right hand, “you’re - you’re right; you’re always right, Rose.” You would then draw in a deep breath, trying to further recompose yourself, before you beamed back at her, and affectionately lifted your right hand up to her left cheek, prompting her to subconsciously melt into your touch whilst you both locked eyes blissfully again in the best way possible. “Okay,” you began again a little more confidently, whilst she grinned sheepishly over at you in anticipation of what it would be like to perform alongside you again, until she remembered Joel, and the situation that you were all in together, prompting her heart to sink once more, “I - I think I’m ready - let’s go and join the others.”

🜚

You should have known the concert would hurt you the way it did - before you knew it, you were downing your bass guitar, and storming off of the stage, tears leaking slowly down your cheeks whilst your heart ached excruciatingly. Even though you knew now why Rose had decided to get with Joel, it still pained you to see them together; to see her singing to him some of the typical love songs we’d written about each other, instead of you, but you didn’t want to fight with her again, or get her into trouble with Joel or the press by questioning her about it in front of the others, during the concert itself, and that was why you were surprised by her rushing after you following your deciding to walk off the way you had.

“Y/n-!” Rose whisper-shouted whilst she hurried after you, her voice briefly trembling, but you wouldn’t stop; you couldn’t, knowing you’d only break down in front of her again if you gave into your urge to fall into her arms again.

“What the fuck, Louisiana?” Rod remarked, but Rose wouldn’t pay him any attention, slipping through the double doors leading away from the backstage room you had been waiting within not too long ago, now, before the concert had begun the way it had - with Rose introducing the band she way she usually did, though the audience didn’t really need to know who you all were; why would they come and see you if they didn’t know who any of you were? “For god’s sake,” he uttered, before warily looking back toward the others to make sure that they weren’t floundering without their singer, as well as bassist, but - as they could see you were both preoccupied, they managed to instead try and interact with their audience whilst playing makeshift instrumentals of the remaining songs they’d chosen to play.

“Y/n, wait, please,” she begged, but still you wouldn’t stop, until she’d managed to catch your right arm using her right hand, prompting you to falter, and forget how to breathe for a moment whilst you revelled in how it felt to be making physical contact with her again; revelled in how it felt to have the skin of your arm against her warm palm, until she spoke up again, and you were doomed to remember the situation you found yourself in with her, prompting your heart to sink as well as shatter all over again, images of her and Joel together plaguing your mind the way they had, before you had stormed off of the stage not too long ago, now, “don’t go, I-”

“Just-.. go back and join the others, Rose, I - I’m fine,” you uttered, your voice close to a whisper whilst you bit down harshly upon your tongue, evidently trying to stop your voice from trembling anymore than it already was, “don’t worry about me-”

“I’m not going anywhere without you,” she interjected firmly; determined to try and fix this before you both could start fighting again the way you tended to, before, after you had first found out about her and Joel’s new relationship, “I love you, Y/n, and we promised to stick together, didn’t we? C’mon, if you don’t wanna go ahead with the concert, why don’t we go up to your room instead?”

You would appear taken aback, your eyes widening as well as glinting a little whilst you glanced back at her, and wondered subconsciously what it was that you had done to deserve someone as perfect and caring as her.

“But-.. what about-”

“They don’t need us to continue, Bassey,” she cooed gently, before smiling warmly over at you whilst you turned to face her, allowing her to affectionately wrap her arms around her waist whilst you - without hesitation - returned the loving embrace, “they’ll be fine, but - we need each other, and we can’t exactly ignore that fact, can we? Especially not when we’re with them, s-so - what do you say? W-Would you be up for - m-maybe - spending some alone time with me, until they start needing us again?”

“But Joel-”

“Joel means nothing to me,” she reminded you, and you would wince, before nodding gravely, and smiling feebly up at her, evidently embarrassed as you worried about upsetting her somehow by bringing him up as if you were still doubting her feelings for you, which you - admittedly - did, sometimes, whenever you saw them both together, “Y/n-..” She would then sigh, prompting your heart to sink whilst guilt washed over you; you hated upsetting her the way you could see you had by bringing him up again. “What’ll it take for you to forgive me?” She inquired, before affectionately connecting her forehead to your own whilst you would appear taken aback by the question; you’d already forgiven her, hadn’t you?

You couldn’t help, but silently curse yourself for making her think otherwise; you couldn’t bear to make her feel bad for what had recently occurred between you both, as well as Joel, but their relationship was something you just couldn’t shake from your mind, as well as heart, no matter what she did to try and make you feel better about the situation.

“It depends,” you answered thoughtfully, prompting her stunning icy blue eyes to darken a little, whilst your heart felt as if it were cracking all over again, “what-.. what would you do?”

“Anything,” she answered hastily, without hesitation, prompting you to feel even worse; you wished you could try and forget about what you feared Joel meant to her, but it was impossible, especially when you were having to see them together everyday, as if she’d fallen in love with him, and not you, just to try and protect you both from the harassment you knew you would receive if anyone found you both out to be two women in love with one another, considering it wasn’t exactly embraced nor welcomed at the time by many members of the society you were having to live in during this moment in time, “I - I’d do anything for you, Y/n; I love you - I always have, a-and I always will, I promise, n-no matter what happens, so - so tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it, I swear - I don’t care what it is, I just-.. I need you with me, Bassey; I can’t live without you, so please don’t-.. don’t make me try, because I honestly can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

You would appear taken aback, your eyes blissfully locking with her’s whilst you tried to ignore the overwhelming pounding of your heart beat within your chest, making it hard for you to respond for a moment, whilst you found couldn’t even breathe, tears clouding your vision; nobody had ever cared this much for you before, and it was painful; amazing, as well as terrifying, especially when you thought about the lengths you knew you’d go to for her just to keep her safe, and happy the way you longed to make her for everything she’d ever done for you, ever since you both had been younger and shorter than you were, now.

“I’ll forgive you,” you began again gently, a soft smile playing on your lips as soon as her eyes began to glint again in the best way possible, prompting your heart to skip a beat alongside her own, before they both began to soar together, “if you kiss me.”

Rose then raised her eyebrows mischievously, before she smirked over at you, and picked you up off of the ground, prompting you to giggle uncontrollably, as well as squeak within her arms whilst you clung to her shoulders, though you knew she wouldn’t drop you, and you trusted her more than anything.

“I’ll do more than kiss you, Bassey,” she remarked seductively, prompting you to appear flustered whilst blood began to rush up to your cheeks, “if you’ll let me - will you?”

“Take me upstairs, and you’ll find out,” you answered mysteriously, and she would appear intrigued, before grinning down at you, and nodding, whilst she slowly began to walk you toward the staircase.

“I like the sound of that,” she commented in response to your reply, prompting you to smirk up at her, before you leaned forward to briefly connect your lips to her’s in the best way possible, prompting her to stop in her tracks whilst she melted into the kiss, and her eyelids fluttered shut; she never thought something could feel so perfect before - especially something so small; your lips perfectly fitting blissfully with her own soft ones, and she knew for a fact that she’d never get used to how it felt as if it were the first kiss you both had ever shared, when it was more like one of the hundredth kisses you had shared with one another, but at the same time she hoped against hope that - no matter what the future held in store for you both - that this would forever be the case.

🜚

“Can I ask you something?” Rose inquired, whilst you both were cradling one another close shortly after you’d recovered from your previous heated session.

“Sure,” you answered, whilst you grinned up at her upon noticing that she appeared nervous, a look that had always and forever would be adorable on her, “I don’t see why not.”

“You - You know when the news comes on the radio sometimes,” she warily began again, whilst a pained as well as guilty expression seemed to cross her face, prompting your heart to sink a little whilst you warily awaited the question she were about to pose upon you, wondering anxiously what it might be about due to the tone of her voice, as well as the new demeanour she seemed to be sporting, “a-and we hear about-.. about how-.. someone’s either been murdered or - or imprisoned for being just like us.”

You would appear taken aback, your eyes darkening a little whilst you nodded gravely, and averted your gaze hastily for fear of her gaze locking with your own, a situation in which you knew that you would break down; you hated hearing about how people just like you and Rose were punished for being the way that they were during times like these, but you didn’t want to dismiss the question, not wanting her to think that she couldn’t ask you anything on the subject when you’d always promised her as well as vowed yourself to do all that you could for her; you owed her as much, feeling as if you could never truly be good enough for her, no matter how much she insisted that you were perfect for her; her perfect match; her perfect soulmate, prompting your heart to skip a beat before it began to soar all over again, until you were reminded of the current situation you both found yourselves in, darkening your hopes and soul as if the future wasn’t ever going to be bright for either of you, as well as for people who were born just like you and her, trapped; hidden away, just for being attracted to people of their same sex. It was sickening, prompting you to subconsciously scowl down at your hands whilst Rose would frown, feeling guilty for bringing up such a topic, now, but she wanted to make sure that you felt okay to continue with her despite all that had recently occurred; despite all the pain ‘inverted’ people like you as well as herself have had to endure for years, now - she just wanted to make you happy.

“Y-Yeah,” you mustered up timidly, prompting Rose to hesitate, before she lifted her right hand up to the back of your head to blissfully entangle her fingers within your hair, “what - what about it?”

“Do - Do you ever think that we should stop doing this?” She asked, and you would falter, a pained expression on your face, before you hastily shook your head, and glanced up at her with dark eyes, and slightly narrowed eyebrows; you didn’t think she’d ever ask you something like that when she knew how you felt about her, right?

She would then wince, her eyes widening a little; she wished she’d rephrased the question somehow, realising after the words had slipped from her lips how it must sound, to you; how it must make her appear to be doubtful of your and her secret relationship when she was anything, but, prompting her heart to sink whilst she silently begged you to stay with her, the words lodging in her throat whilst you appeared dejected, for a moment, before glancing up at the ceiling as if you’d just been wounded by a ton of bricks being lugged painfully at your chest.

“I-.. I don’t think I was supposed to hear that, right?” You mused, and she would falter, a pained expression on her face whilst she sat up partially, her left elbow holding her up, before she made to wrap her arms around your waist, only for you to speak up again. “Do-.. Do you think we should stop? O-Or have you ever had thoughts like that?” You inquired, and she would appear taken aback, a hurt look on her face, but she didn’t blame you for questioning her feelings after she’d posed such a question with the undesired form of wording she’d not intended to share with you the way she had.

“Y/n-”

“‘C-Cause I’ve never been able to imagine my life without you in it, Rose,” you admitted feebly, your voice briefly trembling, and she would frown, before nodding gravely, and intertwining the fingers of her right hand with the fingers of your left one, “n-nor would I ever want to, but-.. I just-.. I get scared, w-when-.. when everything seems perfect, and then I’m reminded that-.. that we’re not even allowed to be together; not even allowed to love each other, l-like-.. like the others are, as long as they aren’t like us. I just-.. wish-.. wish that-.. that maybe - things’ll change for us, for - for the better, but sometimes it feels like we’re never gonna be allowed to be free together.”

Rose would then hastily shake her head, before she held up your hand a little to delicately press a kiss to the back of it, surprising you as you glanced up at her again, your eyes glinting as if you’d not previously been in pain after you’d felt her delicately kiss you again.

“We’re gonna find a way, Y/n,” she cooed gently, “we’ll get of here someday, I promise, a-and we’ll find somewhere together that’ll accept us for who we are; I’m not letting us live like this forever; n-not letting us live in fear for the rest of our lives just because we’re in love, and the people who aren’t like us who don’t understand us can’t accept that - we’re gonna be free someday, Bassey, I know we will, no matter what, okay? D-Don’t ever think that things’ll never get better for us, because they will, and I’m gonna make sure that they do, I promise - you - you trust me, don’t you?”

You wouldn’t hesitate, nodding your head whilst you sat up alongside her to affectionately connect your forehead to her own whilst you both clung to one another’s hands blissfully, and you wondered what you had done to deserve someone as perfect and caring as her again.

“Of course I do, w-what kinda question is that?” You answered confidently; you’d trusted her ever since you first met her, and fell deeply in love with her more than you thought you ever could, prompting her to express relief, before she subconsciously smiled lovingly over at you whilst she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek delicately, prompting you to melt into her touch whilst your eyes blissfully locked with her stunning icy blue ones in the best way possible. “R-Rose, I-.. I love you,” you express exasperatedly, prompting her heart to skip a beat whilst it soared alongside your’s in perfect sync, “I’ve - I’ve always-..” You would then draw in a shaky breath, before smiling timidly back at her whilst she gently squeezed your right hand to provide comfort as well as encouragement to you. “So-.. you aren’t doubting-.. wanting to be with me?” You asked, and she would appear taken aback by the question, before she hastily shook her head, and it was then your turn to express relief; you’d been worried that maybe - by asking you the question she had a brief moment ago about your and her relationship - she was admitting to you that she was having doubts about whether it was right for you both to go on the way that you were; in love, and hiding from the dangerous attitudes of those who believed you both didn’t deserve to be given the right to be together freely just because you were two women in love with each other.

“How could I? Y/n, you - you’re everything to me,” she expressed, whilst you couldn’t help, but subconsciously admire her, wondering why someone as perfect as her loved a supposed nobody, like you believed you had always been ever since your father had left you out on the street following the death of your mother to fend for yourself, though you were still only quite small at the time, a few years ago, now, before Rose had found you, and made you feel as if everything would be okay again as long as you were together the way that you were, now, “I need you, and I sure as hell am not gonna let anyone take you away from me, e-especially not when I - I know I’d feel-.. like I’d never be able to get by, w-without-.. without you by my side.” She then smiled softly over at you, before she leaned forward to playfully boop the tip of your nose with her own, prompting you to beam over at her sheepishly whilst you both giggled softly together, wondering how something so small could feel so perfect the way this moment in time did, to the point you both were sad that it had to end, eventually; only art and the supernatural could live in immortal bliss. “I love you,” she cooed gently, and you couldn’t help, but fall quiet, and admire her again, before you timidly leaned forward to delicately connect your lips to her own.

“I - I love you, too,” you whispered breathlessly once you’d managed to recompose yourself; the kiss had briefly left you in a daze, even after you’d been the one to initiate it, this time; she’d always have this effect on you, no matter what the future held in store for you both, “and I always will, I promise.”

Her smile grew wider in response to your claim, prompting your heart to skip a beat again, before it began to pound overwhelmingly whilst you anticipated - as she lowered you slowly back down onto your back - what the next part of the night held in store for you both.

“I’m glad,” she cooed, between further delicate kisses, before she carefully straddled you beneath her again, “b-because - because there could never be anything within the entirety of the universe that could ever stop me from loving you, unless - perhaps - you trying to tickle me again just to try and distract me for long enough to trap me beneath you, so - on that note - are you gonna be a good girl for me, and let me take the lead on this one, or are you planning on being naughty again?”

“That depends,” you answered mysteriously again, prompting her to pout playfully down at you again whilst you smirked up at her, “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?”

“Boring,” Rose whined, prompting you to raise your eyebrows whilst you tried to appear offended, prompting her to giggle whilst you couldn’t help, but grin up at her whilst you admired her again, wishing you both could stay this way forever, somehow, something you’d dreamt about ever since you’d first met, and fallen in love with her, “you can do better than that, surely.”

“In that case,” you began playfully, before you carefully eased her off of you to pin her beneath you, instead, only making her squeak and giggle even more whilst she blissfully wrapped her arms around your waist, “I’ll have to try harder then, won’t I? Can’t have my princess being bored, can I? Especially not during round one and two.”

🜸🜚🜸

Ever since that night, you both found yourselves trying to sneak around together more often, despite her still pretending that she was still smitten with Joel, and not you, but no matter how careful either of you thought that you were, Rod eventually grew to be suspicious of you both when he caught Rose one morning leaving your hotel room before the others could wake up, and wonder where you both were (certainly not laying naked together in your bed each night after a heated session of fooling around with one another).

“Y/n-!” Rose chimed, upon noticing that you had already got up before her, and were lingering by the bar in the band’s private room; you’d not been able to get to sleep all night, and were afraid of disturbing her, so you’d decided she’d be better off if you left the room entirely, allowing her to get some sleep without being disturbed by you fidgeting beside her, and - judging from the fact that she had got up at six in the morning, you were glad to see that your getting up had certainly helped her the way you had intended it to a few hours ago, now. “There you are,” she began again a little exasperatedly, evidently relieved to see you after she’d woken up to find that you were no longer beside her, prompting her heart to begin pounding overwhelmingly whilst she searched for you, until her gaze had finally fallen upon you again the way it had blissfully the night before, prompting her eyes to glint, before she rushed up to you, and threw her arms around you.

You couldn’t help, but smile softly whilst you returned the hug, and subconsciously melted into her embrace, wondering what you’d done to deserve someone as kind, perfect, and caring as she was, and always had been, prompting your heart to skip a beat before it began to blissfully race alongside her own in the best way possible, as if your hearts were meant to race together the way that they were, now, ever since you had both first met, and fallen in love with one another.

“Y-Yeah, sorry - I had a nightmare, a-and I was worried about disturbing you so-.. so I thought it best that I come down here and let you get some sleep,” you admitted apologetically, before warily smiling over at her whilst she would wonder why you were apologising for something like that, lifting her right hand delicately up to your left cheek, prompting you instantly to relax, and melt into her touch whilst your eyes locked blissfully with her stunning icy blue ones, prompting her to smile lovingly over at you, giving you butterflies again whilst she drew circles upon your cheek with her thumb as if you could easily be crushed the way a flower could by a boot, or paw.

“You could have stayed,” she cooed, “you didn’t have to actually leave the room for me - I would have been happier, being awake alongside you, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, but-”

“Ladies.”

You both would then tense up, your eyes widening, before Rose begrudgingly let go of you after gasping barely audibly to look over at Rod, a pained expression on her face whilst your eyes darkened alongside her own - it pained you, feeling the loss of contact more than you ever had before, but you knew you both would never be able to be free together, only allowed to be in love behind closed doors, away from the others, no matter how much you both longed to be together officially, without having anyone curse either of you for having feelings for one another, being two women in love with each other the way that you were, and always had been ever since you were shorter than you were, now.

“Rod,” Rose began feebly, her voice briefly trembling, “w-we, er - I-.. I can explain-”

“Don’t,” he interjected, before sighing heavily, “I don’t need to know. Look, I don’t wanna interfere with whatever it is going on between you both, just-.. don’t make me regret this; if anyone else finds out about either of you-”

“They won’t,” Rose interrupted hastily, prompting him to raise his eyebrows whilst he tilted his head partially over at her, “I promise - w-we - we’re super discreet, I swear, j-just - please, don’t - don’t tell anyone; don’t even tell Joel-.. he can’t know about us, especially not now, please?”

“Sure,” he replied, “I won’t tell him, but-.. be careful, okay? You know what Joel’s like - if he finds out-.. well, it won’t end well, for either of you.”

Rose would then wince, before nodding gravely, and smiling faintly over at him.

“Then it’s a good thing he won’t find out then, right?” She corroborated, and Rod would hesitate, before nodding slowly, and averting his gaze warily, evidently nervous as to what might happen if the press caught sight of you both together being something more than friends, as well as band mates.

“If you both play your cards right, sure,” he answered, before making back toward the door, “good luck; lord knows you’re both gonna need it, now.”

As soon as he’d left the room, Rose hastily turned to face you, a pained expression on her face whilst you averted your gaze hastily, trying to hide from her the tears that were beginning to cloud your vision again; you were sick of having to hide, but you knew that you’d both never be able to be together in public, no matter how much you longed to be known as her’s by everyone around you.

“Y/n-”

“I need a drink,” you murmured, your voice briefly trembling, before you turned around and took out a glass, only for her to hastily shake her head, before she carefully removed the glass from your right hand.

“It’s six in the morning, Bassey,” she reminded you warily, “you are not drinking this early.” You couldn’t help, but grunt, evidently disappointed by her action, especially when a drink was something you needed more than anything right now, though at the same time her arms around you, and lips against your’s also were particularly appealing intensely during this moment in time. “Look, I - I know this is hard, but-”

“Why’re you trying so hard to try and keep something together that you know will only ever fall apart in the end?” You inquired dejectedly, and she would frown, a hurt look on her face; she couldn’t bear to see you like this; couldn’t bear to hear that you feared something like that might soon be about to happen to you both due to the situation you found yourselves in.

“That’s not-”

“I - I need to go,” you uttered, before meandering around her hastily, and dragging yourself out of the room; you didn’t want to break down in front of her the way you knew you soon would, if you stayed in the room with her after Rod’s interruption of the too perfect moment you both had found yourselves briefly sharing by the alcohol cabinet, so instead you decided you should lock yourself within your hotel room, and break down there, afraid of upsetting her by crying in front of her again the way you had not too long ago, now, only to make her cry alongside you as she hated seeing you upset - you couldn’t hurt her like that again, no matter how much it pained you to be away from her.

🜚

Though Rose had tried to get into your hotel room again, she was shocked to find that you’d removed the spare key from under the rug below your door, prompting her heart to sink; she’d never wanted anything like this to happen between you both, and never thought that you’d ever hide away the key as if you no longer wanted to see her the way you used to all the time, before she and Joel had got together, unless…

She pressed down upon the handle, her breath catching in her throat when she realised the door was already unlocked, prompting her heart to skip a beat, but before she could ease it open, she would appear startled by the sound of footsteps approaching her from the right, before the footfalls spoke up, and she realised that Joel had found her, prompting her to appear dejected again as she begrudgingly turned to face him, and forced a smile in his direction - what else could she do, in a situation like this?

“Louisiana!” Joel greeted, evidently relieved as well as glad to finally find her after he’d been looking for her for a little while now, wondering where she’d gone since it was still quite early in the morning, and she wasn’t in the private room where she usually was. “There you are - I was looking for you,” he revealed, prompting her to have to try and stop herself from rolling her eyes; she guessed she should have known he might end up looking for her, no matter how much she longed for him not to so she could instead try and make you happy again, as she hated seeing you hurt the way that you were, now, ever since you had found out about her and Joel’s relationship alongside her and your own affair. “Where’ve you been? Messing around with Y/n?” He teased, and Rose would appear taken aback by his question, wincing, before she forced a strained laugh alongside him, as if she hadn’t been doing exactly what he had assumed recently.

“Why would I? You know I’m not ‘inverted’, Joel,” she answered, before forcing herself to wrap her arms around his neck whilst he wrapped his arms around her waist, prompting her to subconsciously wince again; it felt wrong, being this close to him, and not you, but she knew this was what had to be done if she wanted to keep you as well as herself from the homophobic members of the press, and public audience that tended to listen to the band play wherever they were located at the time, “besides - I’d rather mess around with you.”

You couldn’t help, but listen to them both, leaning heavily against the front door whilst you stared tearfully ahead of you, your heart aching excruciatingly; you couldn’t believe you were being haunted by their relationship again, but you guessed you deserved it for being the way that you were in such a restrictive time.

“Is that so?” He replied seductively, leaning closer to Rose to the point that it was unbearable; this felt unreal to her, like a nightmare, but she wasn’t sure what to do, her eyes darkening, so she pushed herself to try and keep going.

“You know I would,” she answered, and he would raise his eyebrows, before smirking, and leaning even closer.

“If that’s the case, would you - maybe - like to accompany me to my room?” Joel offered, and Rose would falter, a pained expression on her face whilst she subconsciously glanced toward your door, before she smiled faintly up at him.

“Maybe later,” she replied slowly, prompting Joel to frown, before he nodded gravely, and would force a smile back at her, “I’ve - er - g-got an appointment at the doctor’s that I need to get to, before I miss it, and have to wait to schedule another one.”

“Right,” he murmured, “sorry - I’ll see you later, then.”

“See you later,” she returned apologetically; she just couldn’t do it; couldn’t go so far as to betray you the way she knew she would be, if she decided to do anything more than she already was with him - it would hurt her too much, especially whenever she found herself alone with you, and knowing what she did if she ever somehow slipped and found herself having to fool around with him just to try and keep him onside, and to stop him from suspecting you both, no matter how much it pained her to know that she’d probably have to progress with him in the relationship soon somehow just to keep on trying to keep you as well as herself safe from the harassment you both knew you would receive if anyone else found out about you being two women in love with one another.

“I love you, Rosanna,” he concluded, before smiling softly over at her, whilst she forced a smile back at him, and begrudgingly returned the significant three words, no matter how much it made her throat burn to do so whilst her heart throbbed excruciatingly alongside your own one, longing for her to come back to you again as if you were both all that could ever matter, now, like it had been between you both before the band had been formed, and you had been attacked on your way back to another hotel by a suspecting member of the public who had caught you and Rose together kissing before that moment in time that had left you in the hospital unconscious for almost two whole days, scaring Rose more than anything else ever had before.

Once he had disappeared around the corner, Rose hastily returned her attention to your door, prompting her heart to skip a beat again, before she made to inch closer to it, only to find you opening the door before she could open it, herself.

“Y/n-”

“You-.. You said you were gonna break up with him,” you murmured dejectedly, and she would falter, a pained expression on her face upon remembering that she had sworn to you that she would not too long ago, now, but she was terrified of what might happen to you as well as herself, if she did; terrified of you being attacked again if ever anyone else began to suspect you both the way they had, before she had begun to make it known that she was now with Joel, though she’d rather be known as being your’s, if only she could without being imprisoned or harassed for being in love with you, “just tell me you don’t want me, Rose.”

“But-”

“T-Tell me you love him, and that - that you could never love someone like me,” you continued weakly, your voice briefly trembling, whilst you were desperately trying not to break down again, afraid of upsetting her by doing so though you couldn’t imagine why it would hurt her to see you crying again, “please-”

“Y/n, stop-”

“Tell me!” You cried, and you then found you couldn’t hold it back anymore as you began to cry quietly, tears streaming down your cheeks whilst you tried to fight back a strained sob, hastily averting your gaze in an attempt to try and hide from her the tears though she’d already noticed your glistening and currently quite sore eyes, prompting her heart to sink whilst she shook her head hastily, and inched closer to you to wrap her arms around you, only for you to move away from her excruciatingly before she could do so.

“Bassey, please, I - I love you-”

“I’m not good enough for you,” you murmured weakly, whilst silently cursing yourself for being so pathetic again the way that you were, “I never was; I-.. I know that now.. I just-.. wish-.. wish I knew before that-.. that maybe things would - would never get better the way I was starting to think that they were, when I first met you.”

“Y/n,” she continued dejectedly, a hurt look on her face, but you couldn’t take it anymore, shaking your head gravely, before you drew in a shaky breath, and would drag yourself back into your hotel room, this time locking the door behind you, leaving Rose feeling emptier than she ever had before, prompting her heart to sink whilst it shattered excruciatingly within her chest, before she dragged herself away from the door, not sure what else to do after your and her last interaction, but she wasn’t ready yet to give in, and was determined to try and fix things between you both, if only she still had the spare key to your door.

🜚

Rose spent the rest of that afternoon curled up upon her bed, crying quietly whilst she held her knees up to her chest; she couldn’t believe she was losing you again the way she could feel that she was - it was breaking her, knowing that the love you held for one another was so painful, and restricted, when she had always thought that something like the feelings she held for you would be beautiful, like a butterfly, or sunset, but it hurt to know that caged love was anything but such sights. She drew in a shaky breath whilst she stared tearfully ahead of her, before she begrudgingly sat up, and made to get dressed for the next rehearsal Rod had scheduled in preparation of the next upcoming concert, a few hours away now; she wasn’t planning on going to it immediately, wanting to check up on you first in case you hadn’t yet left for the event yourself, and as soon as she stopped by the door of your room, she faltered upon hearing you crying quietly within it, as if you were still on the other side of the door, and hadn’t been able to move after what had occurred between you both earlier, prompting her heart to somehow sink even lower than it ever had before.

“Y/n?” She cooed gently, before knocking on the door lightly as to not startle you, her voice briefly trembling; it was taking a lot within her to not break down again the way she had earlier. You tensed up upon hearing her voice again, forgetting how to breathe for a moment whilst you revelled in the warm and fuzzy feeling that seemed to wash over you once it had sounded out blissfully as if it had some magical effect on you that nobody else ever could, or had. “C-Can we talk, please?” She requested, her eyes full of the hope she was currently holding that you might open the door, and throw your arms around her, the possibility prompting her heart to skip a beat whilst her eyes glinted a little, and soft smile tugged at the corners of her lips, if only you’d open the door for her the way she longed for you to do so. “I-.. I miss you,” she admitted feebly; dejectedly, surprising you as you frowned, and glanced up at the door handle with a pained expression on your face, “look, I-.. I know you probably don’t wanna see me right now after earlier, but-.. Bassey, I-.. I need you; I love you, and - and I-.. I can’t do this without you so - so please come out, a-and talk to me; we can fix this, I know we can. We’re soulmates, Y/n; we belong together; we’re stronger together, not apart, and we need each other to fight against the press, otherwise who else is going to do it, and achieve the freedom that we and other people like us need to survive on a planet like this one?”

You couldn’t help, but scoff, before shaking your head weakly - how could you both fight, when she was meant to be Joel’s partner, as if you meant nothing to her?

“I didn’t think you wanted to fight them,” you murmured, and she would frown, a pained expression on her face again; she knew she was wrong for what she was doing, but how else could she protect you from those who still were against you both being together? Rod already knew about your relationship, so who else could find out as fast as he had, earlier today, and what would they therefore think about you if they realised that you both were two women in love with each other in a time that viewed such topics to be ‘taboo’ and a ‘sin against the natural world’? “Why would you, when - when you have Joel, and basically aren’t doing anything ‘wrong’ in their eyes?” You pried, and Rose would wince, before hastily shaking her head, and subconsciously lifting her right hand up to the door, resting her palm against it; she couldn’t stand the gap between you both; it was unbearable feeling as if she were still so far away from you, especially when you were being plagued by such thoughts about her and Joel’s relationship.

“Being with Joel publicly doesn’t stop me from fighting for us, Y/n,” she contradicted, and you would appear surprised again, as well as a little puzzled, shaking your head gravely, but you didn’t dare interject again as you still felt guilty for doing so earlier, “I told you, I - I’m only with him to protect us from - from being harassed, or imprisoned, remember? I can’t let anyone hurt you, okay? I - I just can’t - Y/n, please, I-.. I can’t lose you, just-.. give me another chance, please!”

“I-.. I can’t do it anymore, Rose,” you uttered grimly; miserable, though you longed more than anything to be her’s again, even after all that had recently occurred between you both with Joel, and the fights you had both found yourselves having as a result of her and his facade of a relationship, “I-.. I can’t; I’m-.. I’m sick of seeing you and him together, even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, it just-.. it hurts, okay? Just - please, g-go, and - and forget about me, before things can get anymore painful than they already are-”

“But-”

“Go!” You cried shakily, your heart aching excruciatingly alongside her own, but she couldn’t leave you like this, hastily shaking her head, before she continued weakly regardless of your command.

“I’m not leaving, Y/n,” she replied faintly, “I can’t - not until you know that I love you, m-more than anything; more - more than I could ever love myself, or anyone else, no matter what happens - do you know that? ‘Cause I don’t think you do, yet.”

You couldn’t help, but sigh heavily as well as a little shakily whilst you tried to hold yourself together to the best of your ability, though it proved to be a task next to impossible to do so, especially when you knew the pain would never end, as long as she was still with Joel, protecting you from those who were against you and her being together, and deeply in love ever since you had first met quite a few years ago, now, before she had put together the band you both were now currently in, she as its singer, and you as its bassist.

“What-.. What are you trying to do, Rose?” You inquired weakly, your voice barely audible, and she would falter upon hearing it; she’d never heard your voice so small before, and it somehow broke her heart even more to hear you like that, as if you were still lost, and trying to find your way the way you had to living on the streets, before you had met her, and began to feel okay again, as if you were finally safe, and happy, even after all that you had previously been through with your family abandoning you when you were quite young, and workers abusing you for getting in their way, or trying to steal desperately needed food whenever you had found yourself on the verge of starvation, and therefore death, until she had nursed you back to health again the way she often did without her parents knowing that she was doing so, considering the fact that they also didn’t seem to like you very much as soon as they first saw you and Rose together, smaller, and younger, than you were now during this moment in time.

“I’m trying to have a conversation with you, Bassey,” she answered once she’d managed to recompose herself, trying desperately to ignore the ache within her chest, “but you’re making it difficult to do that.”

“Wouldn’t you?” You asked, and she would appear taken aback by the question, a pained as well as guilty expression on her face whilst she thought about how painful it would be to see you with someone else, even if she knew that you weren’t in love with them the way that you were, with her, only making her feel worse for what she was doing to you by being with Joel, even if she was just with him in an attempt to try and protect you both from being harassed or imprisoned by the homophobic members of society at the time. “If - If I were seeing someone else in public to try and protect you from getting hurt,” you began again a little slower, and she could hear the pain in each of your words, “wouldn’t you be hurt, too, seeing me and someone else together, when I’m not with you?”

“That’s - That’s different,” she claimed, though she knew very well that it wasn’t different at all compared to the situation you both were finding yourselves in with her and Joel, “Y/n, please, just-”

“You’re only saying that because you know it would hurt you, too, to see me with someone else,” you contradicted, and she would falter, her words getting caught within her throat whilst small tears began to cloud her vision again; she knew you were right, but she was terrified of admitting that it would hurt her when she knew that it was hurting you, too, to see her and Joel, together, leaving her feeling guiltier than she ever had before, “right?”

“That’s - That’s not the point-”

“Louisiana,” Rod interrupted impatiently as he stormed down the hallway, evidently irritated after finding that she was still in the hotel with you when she was meant to be joining him and the others for the rehearsal alongside you, “you and Y/n, you’re late - the concert’s in a few hours; if you both fuck this up for us-”

“We’ll be there in a minute, just - just give us a sec, okay?” Rose retorted, but Rod was determined to start the rehearsal now, shaking his head furiously, before he blocked your door, and eased her away from it much to her dismay, as well as your own.

“Look, I don’t care about your relationship with Y/n,” he began again gruffly, “but don’t allow it to get in the way of my schedule, alright? Now go downstairs, and meet Joel and Suki outside; I’ll join you momentarily once I get Y/n out of her room, okay?”

“Seeing as I seem to have no choice in the matter, sure,” Rose uttered begrudgingly, before hesitantly dragging herself away from your room, though she hated to create an even wider gap between you both after all that you had already been through together recently, only leaving her fearing that things were only breaking down more than they already had following your and her previous painful interaction, but she wasn’t sure what to do anymore, until her gaze finally fell upon you again in the best way possible.

🜚

She was warily stood in the corner of the lobby, whilst Suki and Joel were talking about the upcoming concert, her head bowed whilst she fidgeted with her hands, unable to stop herself from thinking about you, and whether you’d end up forgiving her, or not, for all that had happened between you both recently; she couldn’t bear to think that Joel would always be something that would come between you both, and the love you held for one another, especially after everything had felt so perfect, before she had decided to get with him after hearing about another couple like you and her who were caught kissing, and holding hands, only to find themselves a short moment later being attacked, before they were imprisoned by the police that had arrived on the scene to break up the fight that had occurred between the two parties.

She drew in a shaky breath, a pained expression on her face, before she faltered upon hearing the approaching footfalls that were currently sounding out toward the room, only to find herself forgetting how to breathe for a moment. You were beautiful; breathtaking; stunning, all at the same time, the way she had always known you to be, even before you’d both grown up as much as you now had together, prompting her heart to skip a beat whilst she subconsciously admired you, her stunning icy blue eyes glinting - you were wearing a subtly sparkly black dress, wearing partially spiked bracelets on each of your wrists whilst you also sported a black collar; choker, connected to a small silver orb which dangled from it, and for a moment she found she couldn’t pry her gaze from your figure; the dress seemed quite tight, and it was clinging to your body in the best way possible, making it hard for her to think about anything, but how she longed to walk up to you, and passionately kiss you, before she rushed you up to your hotel room to fool around with you again.

“Rose,” Rod warned gently, and she would wince, snapping out of her trance to realise that he was already making toward the front door, prompting her heart to sink; she’d never get any alone time with you, now - well, at least, not for a while, depending on whether she managed to fix things between you both today, before it was too late for her to do so later, before, or after, the dreaded upcoming concert that would - undoubtedly - hurt you both again to have to see one another suffering from having to hide the feelings you had always both been wielding for one another.

“Shit, sorry,” she uttered, before following hastily after her band’s manager, keeping her gaze low though she longed more than anything to sneak a few more glances over at you, “let’s just - get this over with, I guess.”

🜸

Little did she and the others know, you also couldn’t help, but falter in speech, thought, and movement as soon as your sore and dark gaze fell upon her in the corner - no matter where you were, your gaze would always search for her, and only her, prompting your heart to sink whilst your eyes seemed to darken even more. You didn’t know what you’d done to deserve someone as perfect as her - it had always been like that for you; she was everything to you, she always had been, and you were terrified of losing her, but you didn’t know what else to do; didn’t know what else to say to her after all that had recently occurred, and it was excruciating.

Small tears had clouded your vision whilst you begrudgingly tore your eyes away from her, before you dragged yourself after Rod, the vision of her stuck in your mind; her beautiful red dress accentuating as well as highlighting the bold beauty of her stunning icy blue eyes; her soft and curly brown hair that you loved, and longed to tangle your fingers in again, if only things could be better for you both; if only you could be free together again, with no Joel, government, or press, to get between you both; your love for one another, but such a paradise seemed so far away, now, to the point you feared that maybe you both would never be able to be together happily, no matter how much you longed to spend the rest of your lives, and even maybe the afterlife together if there was one, as you’d only ever felt happy and safe when you were with her; nobody else could make you feel the same way as she managed to whenever you caught sight of her, and were lucky enough to stick by her side whenever there was nobody else around - just you two, revelling in the bliss of being together in one another’s company.

No matter how much you tried to focus during the rehearsal, your fingers kept slipping over the right notes you were meant to be playing, prompting you to curse quietly, or wince each time, until the rehearsal had finally ended, and you set down your bass guitar, before hastily dragging yourself into the storage room of the studio Rod had rented, not wanting to break down in front of the others the way you could tell that you were about to, tears clouding your vision again unbearably whilst a lump formed in your throat; you couldn’t stop thinking about her, and it was painful; more painful than anything else you’d ever felt before.

You leaned heavily against the door whilst you cried quietly into your hands, trying to force the image of her from your mind, but it was no use; she would always be living within your head no matter how much it hurt you to see her, and be reminded that you could never be free with her; could never be free to love her no matter how much you longed, and had always dreamt of being able to do so, not that you saw yourself as being good enough for her, anyway. You drew in a shaky breath, before a strained and barely audible sob escaped your lips - how could love be so excruciating when it was something you had previously thought of as being beautiful, like Rose was, always had been, and always would be?

“That was-..” Suki began warily, whilst Rose wore a pained as well as guilty expression on her face, her gaze never leaving the door to the storage room, until she tensed up, and begrudgingly looked over at Joel once she felt him hook his left arm around her waist.

“A disaster,” he commented, whilst Rod grunted, and nodded gravely, before he put out his cigar, and gesticulated for Suki and Joel to go outside; he was determined to somehow fix the situation before it could impact negatively the upcoming concert, somehow.

Rose - thinking that Rod also was gesticulating for her to leave the studio - begrudgingly followed behind Joel and Suki, though she longed to stay, and make sure that you were okay, after you’d fled from the room the way you had, only to have Rod catch her right arm, before he eased her away from the door, and lowered his voice to something close to a whisper to ensue that the others didn’t hear, though they were already slipping through the door at this point, engaged in distracted conversation enough to deem them both safe from whatever he was about to say achieving a reaction from them, somehow, depending on what it was.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you and Y/n right now, but I swear to God if this concert goes wrong-”

“There’s nothing going on, Rod,” she uttered dismissively, avoiding eye contact with him to the best of her ability for fear of giving the situation away somehow by allowing the pain to shine through her stunning icy blue orbs, “m-me and Y/n, we - we’re fine; I don’t know what’s going on with her-”

“I don’t care,” he interjected gruffly, “just fix it, okay? Before it fucks anything else up, and I have to find a new singer and bassist to replace you two.”

She would sigh, before nodding gravely, and forcing a smile over at him though she was terrified of only making things worse, now, no matter how much she longed to see you regardless, and had been ever since she had seen you again earlier before the rehearsal had started.

🜸

You remembered hearing Rose’s voice, and faltering, your eyes glinting as well as widening a little as soon as you heard it again, before you hastily wiped your eyes, and quietly opened the door so you could hear her and Rod’s conversation - the conclusion of it, anyway, surprised, and wondering why she and him were still there when you thought they would already be making their way back toward the hotel alongside Joel and Suki, considering you couldn’t see them within the studio anymore, prompting you to determine that they must have left already, unlike Rose and Rod, still conversing about a topic unbeknownst to you, until you heard her conclude it with the two words: ‘I’ll try’, prompting your heart to sink.

“Good,” Rod replied, whilst your eyes darkened; you guessed she was only planning on doing what she was intending to do just to try and ensure that the concert run smoothly later, but you couldn’t blame her - why would she want to try and make you happy again, anyway, when she had Joel, and wasn’t anymore considered a freak of nature like you were, and always had been during times like these? “See you back at the hotel - oh, and don’t be late for the concert, alright?” He concluded, before leaving the studio to escort Suki and Joel back toward the hotel, whilst Rose drew in a shaky breath, and warily turned to face the door of the storage room, only to falter as soon as she noticed you now slipping out of the room, before you gently closed the door, finding yourself unable to disconnect your gaze from her own.

“Bassey, I-”

“You - You know that you-.. you don’t have to try and fix anything, right?” You inquired, and she would frown, a pained expression on her face, before she bowed her head a little, and tried to recompose herself; she could feel already that she was on the verge of breaking down - it hurt, to feel things the way that they were between you both, now, after everything had felt so perfect before she and Joel had got together unbeknownst to you. “I’ll play fine later,” you claimed, whilst forcing a faint smile over at her, but she could see through it the pain that you were experiencing deep within your soul, only making her’s ache even more alongside you, “I guess I just-.. caught a chill, a-and I-.. I couldn’t get my fingers to do what they were supposed to do, s-so-.. yeah - it’ll probably be hot in there, so I’ll play better for the concert; you can tell Rod that, if you want - see you later-”

You then tried to meander around her, but she couldn’t let you go, prompting her to hastily reach out, and catch your right arm within her right hand, prompting your heart to skip a beat whilst you faltered, and revelled in how it felt to have her holding you the way she was; how perfect it felt to have the soft and warm skin of her palm and fingertips against the skin of your arm, until she spoke up again, and you were reminded painfully as well as dejectedly of the situation at hand regarding your and her relationship, alongside her and Joel’s façade of one.

“D-Don’t go,” she blurted out exasperatedly, whilst you would appear taken aback by her request, your eyes glinting a little whilst you turned your head slightly toward her to show her that you were listening to her, relieving her as she managed to push herself to continue though she feared she might soon break down if she did, “please.” You then warily turned to face her once she’d reluctantly released your arm, allowing you to inch closer to her whilst you tried to determine why she would want you to stay through trying to achieve a reaction out of her by doing so. “Y/n, I-.. I..” She then winced, her heart beginning to pound overwhelmingly whilst you timidly wrapped your arms around her waist, your eyes locking blissfully with her own whilst you tried to provide comfort to her by affectionately connecting your forehead to her own in the best way possible.

“Why would you want me to stay, if - if you - if you’re only still here to try and find out why I was playing so badly earlier?” You questioned, whilst you wondered why you were also still here with her; you couldn’t help, but remain drawn to her in every way, shape, or form, though you knew you weren’t good enough for her, and feared that you might only end up hurting her if she decided she still wanted you even after all that had recently occurred between you both, as well as her and Joel.

“You know why,” she answered feebly; timidly, prompting you to raise your eyebrows a little whilst you subconsciously leaned a little closer whilst you both found yourselves struggling to breathe together, your lips dangerously close now, to the point that either one of you could easily lean closer, and they would be brushing blissfully in the best way possible, “Bassey, I-.. I love you,” she expressed breathlessly, whilst lifting her right hand up delicately to your left cheek, prompting your heart to skip a beat whilst you subconsciously melted into her touch, and wondered if you were about to have a heart attack considering how fast your heart was currently beating against your ribcage.

“Then kiss me, Rose,” you whined; begged, desperate to feel her lips against your’s again, and she couldn’t help, but smirk over at you, finding that you were adorable when you were desperate for her love, the way you often her, something she loved more than anything else in the world, before she leaned forward to delicately connect her lips to your’s without hesitation.

You couldn’t help, but melt into the kiss whilst she held you close to her as it began to deepen, and grow to be more passionate, and though you soon found yourselves needing to breathe, you couldn’t stop; you’d both missed the feeling of being so close to one another; had both missed deeply the feeling of your lips connected perfectly the way that they were, as well as the feeling of having your lips and tongues brawling blissfully the way that they currently were, to the point that you both just couldn’t pull away, until she got an idea, and begrudgingly pulled out of the kiss whilst she tried to catch her breath alongside you, and blissfully connected her forehead to your’s again.

For a moment you both found yourselves just staring into one another’s eyes, and admiring one another whilst you revelled in the moment, and wondered how you’d both survived the last few moments you’d found yourselves away from one another the way you had been; it was too easy to get addicted to each other all over again as if you’d never been addicted before, though neither of you doubted you had been ever since you had first met one another ages ago, now.

“I - I think-.. I think we should move this into the storage room,” she mustered up once she felt able, whilst blood began to rush up to her cheeks, and her voice briefly trembled, prompting you to grin mischievously back at her, before you shook your head, and guided her carefully backward so you could gently ease her onto the table behind her, prompting her to shudder whilst her breathing pattern grew to be staggered and uneven again whilst she anticipated what the next moment might have in store for you both today, before the concert could eventually begin, and burden you both all over again, as if this moment didn’t matter in the long-term as much as it did to you both right now as you stared lovingly at one another, and admired as well as revelled in each other’s presence again, her hands subconsciously running up your back whilst you glanced down longingly at her lips again, as if you both hadn’t already almost died from a lack of oxygen a brief moment ago whilst you had been kissing passionately, before this blissful and perfect moment in time.

“Really? I think we should stay in here,” you mused, and she would raise her eyebrows, before grinning over at you, but before she could tease you, you would lean down to delicately connect your lips to her’s again, prompting her instantly to melt into the kiss whilst you both clung to one another again for stability, until she felt able to raise her hands further up to your bra strap, surprising you as you briefly stopped the kiss to lock eyes with her again, as if you were asking her if she were sure she wanted to do this with you right now, to which she hastily nodded, soothing you as you leaned forward to passionately kiss her again whilst she unclipped your bra, and you carefully lowered her down onto her back.

🜚

Shortly after you’d fooled around, Rose took out a spare packet she had of the crushed up ecstasy pills you both used to take before she’d decided to get with Joel publicly, and you would appear surprised upon seeing the powder again; you still held fond memories of the way you and her used to be, before you’d started fighting the way you had.

“You still have that stuff?” You mused, blurting out the question before you could even stop yourself from doing so, and she couldn’t help, but grin over at you again sheepishly, evidently amused by your reaction, whilst also finding it to be adorable like she believed your entire being to be ever since she had first met you, and fallen deeply in love with you the way you had, her.

“Yeah,” she chimed brightly, and you would subconsciously raise your eyebrows whilst you beamed back at her, and tilted your head partially, guessing that today was about to somehow get even better, as if things hadn’t changed the way they had recently between you both, “why? D’you want some?”

The next thing you knew, you both were consuming the powder together, and the next moments seemed to pass by in a blur. You remembered dancing with her to nothing whilst you both giggled uncontrollably, before you and her - as she had her arms wrapped around your waist - tumbled down onto the sofa together, only making you laugh even more, before you found yourselves locking eyes again blissfully, the air growing hot between you both again whilst you longingly admired one another again, before you leaned down to passionately kiss her once more, but before you both could progress again, with her making to remove your pants, you both would find yourselves faltering as soon as you heard the door to the studio opening, prompting her to curse shakily, and groan, before she begrudgingly let go of you after sloppily kissing you, allowing you to clumsily climb over the back of the sofa, before you dropped down behind it to hide from the intruder whilst Rose hastily put back on her bra and vest, as she’d begrudgingly pulled her pants back on after you both had fooled around not too long ago, now.

“What the fuck, Louisiana?” Rod hissed, once his gaze fell upon her, and she would appear puzzled by his demeanour, wondering why he seemed pissed off at her all of a sudden.

“What?” Rose replied, her eyebrows furrowing a little whilst he grunted, evidently disappointed by her behaviour as well as your own after he’d put his trust in her to get you both back before the upcoming concert that he had now had to reschedule due to you and her being late after you had evidently lost track of the time together.

“What? Are you fucking kidding me?” He retorted, and she would shrug, evidently none the wiser after she’d consumed the crushed up ecstasy pills earlier. “The concert, Rose,” he reminded her firmly, and she would then wince, her eyes widening a little as soon as she had remembered that there was meant to be a concert on during this moment in time, “you were meant to come back to the hotel with Y/n half an hour ago, and I waited ‘cause I thought you might still come, but I guess you’re just not reliable enough to expect such things, are you?”

A pained expression then crossed her face; she’d not intended to lose track of the time the way she had, but she had got caught up in the moment with you; the elation of being happy with you again after she’d not been able to spend any time alone with you recently that was happy due to the fights that had occurred between you both as a result of her getting together with Joel publicly to protect you as well as herself from the harassment you both knew you’d face if anyone else found out about your and her being two women I love with one another during times like these.

“Shit - I’m sorry, Rod, I - I didn’t intend to miss it, m-me and Y/n, we - we were just-”

“Having fun?” He guessed, and Rose would appear taken aback, as well as a little flustered whilst blood began to rush up to her cheeks again. “I guessed that,” he clarified, gesticulating to the empty packet on the table, as well as herself due to her lack of coverage excluding her bra, pants, and vest. He then sighed heavily, before averting his gaze a little whilst he tried to recompose himself; tried to tell himself that it wasn’t the end of the world, especially when he’d managed to reschedule the whole event for those who had paid for it tonight. “Y/n - where is she, anyway?” He inquired, and Rose would then wince upon remembering how you had jumped over the back of the sofa to hide, but at the same time she couldn’t help, but smile softly, evidently amused by the measure you had taken to avoid his wrath.

“She’s hiding behind the sofa,” she revealed, and he would raise his eyebrows, until you hesitantly revealed yourself, and waved as if there was nothing wrong with the situation; as if you’d both not forgotten about the concert, after all, and were completely unperturbed by it, but why should you be perturbed by it after you and Rose had found yourselves being happy together again instead of fighting because of her relationship with Joel?

Rose couldn’t help, but giggle quietly in response to your action, before she subconsciously rested her head upon your left shoulder whilst you smiled lovingly down at her, before you rested your own head upon the top of her’s comfortably, prompting Rod to roll his eyes, before he spoke up again.

“Right, well - I’ve had to reschedule the concert for tomorrow night,” he stated, whilst awkwardly shuffling on the spot, feeling much like a third wheeler as he often was frustrated by cutesy couples he ever ended up passing by somehow, “be there, this time, or else.”

“Okay, mom,” Rose remarked, prompting you to grin, evidently amused by her response to his instruction, “we’ll be there, this time, don’t worry - jeez.”

“Ah, shut up,” Rod uttered, before making back toward the doorway, “oh, by the way, Joel was asking for you - I suggest you go and see him, soon, or else he’ll come and find you both together, himself, if that’s what you want to happen.”

🜚

Rose dragged herself along the hallway, after finally managing to - begrudgingly - pry herself from your side; she couldn’t let the situation intensify by having Joel walk in on you both together like Rod had not too long ago, now, and nor could she let - then - either of you get hurt by such an occurrence somehow. She sighed heavily; she just wished she could stay with you, recalling how - before she had begrudgingly decided to leave - you had delicately kissed her, and hugged her tightly whilst your eyes glinted alongside your own as if she was everything to you, prompting her heart to sink, whilst at the same time she couldn’t help, but smile softly, hoping you weren’t doubting her words again - words which were now stuck circling around in her mind.

‘Nothing’s ever gonna happen between me and Joel, at least - not anything like that; what we do,’ she recalled telling you, ‘just remember he means nothing to me - promise?’

‘I promise,’ your voice returned in her head, before she had leaned forward to prolong a concluding kiss to your and her evening together, just to try and further prove her feelings to you, before she could go off and find Joel to see why he wanted to see her and was calling on her through Rod.

She tightly tucked her song book under her right arm, having not been able to return to her own room to drop it off there, but she didn’t mind, though she’d much rather be going to her own room right now, or your’s, instead of Joel’s, prompting her to sigh heavily, but - in an attempt to try and stop herself from turning around and running back to you - she reminded herself of how she was protecting you by acting as if she were instead smitten with Joel to try and convince the band’s audience, as well as the press and government spies that she and you weren’t engaging in a secret love affair though you most definitely were, something they’d certainly - during times like these - view as nothing, but a sin against nature.

As soon as she had reached the door of his hotel room, she stopped for a moment, a pained expression on her face; it felt wrong to her, being here, as if she were betraying you, though you knew what she had to do to try and protect you both from the harassment of those against you and her being in love with one another, and therefore insisted that you were okay with her and Joel’s façade of a relationship. She timidly - gravely - lifted her right hand up to knock upon the door, and would force a smile as soon as the door began to open before her, revealing Joel in his night-gown, a faint smile playing on his lips; he undoubtedly was going to question her about her absence earlier, but - with thoughts of you spurring her on - she told herself everything would be okay, before she mustered up an awkward ‘hey’, prompting him to tilt his head partially in response to her voice.

“Hey, Rosanna,” he returned faintly, before stepping aside, “wanna come in?”

“Sure,” she answered, before reluctantly pushing herself to meander around him to enter his apartment, before he closed the door behind him, and guided her into the main room of his suite.

🜸🜚🜸

The previous night had been lonelier than both you and Rose had ever experienced before. You were curled up upon your cold bed, staring blankly ahead at the opposite wall whilst your sore and now dark eyes were filling gradually with small tears; you couldn’t bear being away from her, your heart aching excruciatingly. You wondered what she was doing; what she was thinking right now - could she be thinking of you? You drew in a shaky breath, trying not to focus on the subconscious words ‘of course not’ which were currently circling your mind, followed by the question: ‘why would she be thinking of you?’

You hugged your knees to your chest, sniffling barely audibly; you hoped maybe that she would return to you soon, though you knew there was a next to impossible chance of that happening tonight as she had also predicted otherwise earlier, before she had dragged herself away from your side excruciatingly the way she had not too long ago, now. You guessed it didn’t come as a surprise to you when the night grew to be later and later, Rose nowhere to be seen within your room as time passed, prompting your heart to sink; you’d just have to wait until the morning to see her again, trying excruciatingly not to think of what she and Joel might be doing together in his room.

Little did you know, she too had been struggling to cope without you by her side; she couldn’t sleep, staring up at the ceiling with a pained expression on her face - it was painful, being away from you. She couldn’t bear to look over at Joel; couldn’t bear being laid down beside him upon his bed when she’d rather be laid beside you. She vowed she’d make it up to you, tomorrow, after she’d said she would try and return to you, though she was certain that she may not be able to return to your room, and of course she had sadly been right; she felt she couldn’t turn down his offer to stay the night with him, afraid of what might happen if she did, but she’d not betrayed you; she couldn’t fool around with anyone else, only you.

As soon as morning had slowly come around, painfully, Rose got up early alongside you to get ready for the rehearsal she knew Rod would be putting on soon for the rescheduled upcoming concert now meant to be taking place tonight. As soon as you were both done, you found yourselves going out unbeknownst each other to the same local flower shop at different times, unfortunately not running into each other along the way, and by the time Rose returned, she was surprised, as well as disheartened upon finding out that you were no longer within your hotel room, nor were you with the others anywhere else, even absent from the private room the band had been given access to personally.

By the time that you had returned, however, with a timid as well as nervous and anxious expression on your face, Rose wasn’t hanging around with the others, either, prompting your heart to sink whilst you warily lingered by the doorway of the private room, subconsciously listening to Joel and Suki’s conversation within the room whilst Eddie and Rod seemed preoccupied with their alcoholic beverages at the bar.

“She was with me, last night,” Joel stated smugly, prompting you to frown subconsciously in response to his comment; you assumed he was talking about Rose, since she wasn’t in your room last night, and she had told you that she would begrudgingly have to - most likely - stay the night with him, yesterday, “Rose - she’s adorable-”

“Here we go, again,” Rod commented beside his brother, “god, he’s insufferable now.”

“He really is,” Eddie corroborated, “even more so now that he’s with Rose.”

You couldn’t help, but bow your head, a pained expression on your face - were you good enough, for her, or was Joel better?

“She’s so cute when she sleeps,” Joel added, before he appeared a little dejected, “but she wouldn’t let me hug her, or anything - I’m guessing maybe she’s just not ready to get anymore physical, yet. What do you think, Su?”

“I think we should talk about something else,” Suki recommended, before forcing a smile up at him; she, too, couldn’t bear hearing about Rose and Joel being together, as she had found herself developing feelings for him ever since she’d joined the band, and it hurt her to see him with someone else, especially when that someone else was the lead singer of the band, “I mean - it’s boring, and I need a drink, so-..”

“Right, sorry,” Joel replied awkwardly, before smiling faintly over at her whilst she begrudgingly smiled back at him, before dragging herself over to the bar, and pouring herself a drink; cider, her favourite - marshmallow flavour, as usual, “I won’t talk anymore about her, if it bores all of you that much to hear that she’s - important, to me.”

“Yeah, whatever, we-.. we get it, Joel, you’re in love with her,” Suki uttered, “it’s not like the world’s gonna end if you can’t talk about her for a little while, at least - just give us a break about it, okay? We can talk about something else, can’t we?”

“I guess,” he agreed begrudgingly, before nodding gravely, and leaning heavily against the bar, “what do you wanna talk about, instead?”

You couldn’t listen anymore; it was too painful, and you couldn’t be asked to go on listening to a pointless conversation as the one that seemed to follow about the next concert, when you’d rather dig a hole for yourself for the sake of Rose, and your belief that maybe she would be better off, without you, prompting your heart to sink and crack all over again, more than you thought it ever could before. At least, you were planning on such a measure, until your gaze fell upon her; Rose, or an Angel stood at the end of the hallway, her stunning icy blue eyes glinting as soon as she noticed you stood a few paces away from her.

You hadn’t noticed that your breath had caught in your throat; that your heart had ceased to beat for a moment, until she timidly stepped closer to you, and beamed in your direction brightly, as if you were her entire world, and more, like she was your own, and always had been, ever since she had first met, saved your life, and bewitched you blissfully to the point that you couldn’t help, but fall hopelessly for her in every way, shape, and form. She then cleared her throat, before you both couldn’t help, but blurt out the two words: ‘did you-’, before realising you’d accidentally talked over one another after you’d noticed that you were holding flowers at your sides.

“Sorry,” she mustered up exasperatedly, blood rushing up to her cheeks, before she gesticulated for you to go first, but you couldn’t give in so easily; you didn’t want her to think that you should go first when you wanted her to be the first for everything; wanted to prioritise her needs; desires, over your own, whilst she - unbeknownst to you - wanted to prioritise your needs over her’s, and was also determined not to give in, insisting that you start, instead of her no matter how much you protested against her.

“Don’t tell me you went to the flower shop, too,” you managed, eventually, once you’d found yourself able to breathe (relatively) normal, again, though your heart was still pounding overwhelmingly against your rib cage alongside her own.

“I might’ve,” she cooed, before smirking over at you, and then lifting the pink roses she’d bought for you up for you to see, prompting your heart to skip whilst your eyes glinted a little again, whilst they even widened a little; you didn’t think that she’d remember what your favourite flowers were, but you guessed it wouldn’t be too hard when your favourites were also her own, “did you?”

“You won’t believe it, but, yeah,” you answered timidly whilst you grinned sheepishly over at her, before offering her the pink roses you had bought for her, surprising her as she admired them for a moment, before accepting them, and finding herself stammering a little whilst she tried to find the right words that could describe the beauty before her, and that wasn’t just in reference to the flowers, but you, too, “I - I did, because-.. I just-.. I - I don’t know, wanted-.. wanted to remind you that - that I love you, Louisiana, no matter what happens, and I always will, I promise.”

She would appear taken aback, a pained expression on her face for a moment, before she smiled sadly over at you, and carefully eased you into a hug.

“You didn’t have to do that for me,” she mused, and you would frown - how couldn’t you? You felt you had to make it up to her, how you knew you could never be enough for her, no matter how much she insisted that you were, and always would be, no matter what the future might hold for you both in a world like this. “You know that, right?” She inquired, hopeful, whilst she held you at arm’s length, her stunning icy blue eyes searching your own - she knew you too well; you could tell that she could see the pain and doubt that was currently plaguing you the way it was, as her eyes darkened, heart sank, and demeanour dropped. “Y/n-”

“You-.. You didn’t have to save me,” you reminded her faintly, averting your gaze no matter how much it pained you to have to pry your gaze from her own in an attempt to try and hide the tears that were currently clouding your vision, “you could have lived a perfect life, Rose, if you’d just-.. left me on the streets to die, you-..” You drew in a shaky breath whilst everything within her aches more than it ever had before; burned painfully, as if a hot blade were being stabbed into her heart, and soul repeatedly whilst you poured your heart out to her again. “You would have been happy,” you continued weakly, “I-.. I’m not good enough for you; I could never be enough for you, n-no matter how much I-.. I-..”

“Baby, stop,” she whined, her voice briefly trembling whilst her own eyes began to glisten, before she affectionately connected her forehead to your own, “Y/n, you - you’re everything to me; I love you - I’ve always loved you, and nothing could ever change that; you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I will never stop loving you the way I always have, nor will I ever stop trying to prove to you that you’re more than you know you are, to me, I promise, and you’ll never change my mind, or try and stop me, because I’m determined to make you happy again, Bassey; determined to show you that you’re more than enough for me, and you always will be, because that’s what you are, okay? Promise me you’ll never forget that, o-or I’ll make sure you don’t get any sleep tonight.”

You would appear surprised by her playful threat, raising your eyebrows whilst she couldn’t help, but smile softly as well as a little mischievously over at you, making your heart skip a beat again as if it hadn’t already done so billions of times in your lifetime after you’d first met her, and fallen helplessly in love with her.

“What if I don’t want to go to sleep tonight, especially if you’re by my side?” You asked, and she would appear flustered, her cheeks growing to be a faint red colour that you adored, and loved everything about just like how you loved everything about her, and knew you always would, no matter what the future held in store for you both with her begrudgingly dating Joel to protect you both from being discovered to be two women in love with one another.

“You - You don’t?” She mused, sounding a little breathless at the possibility of fooling around with you again tonight the way she hadn’t been able to yesterday, prompting you to smirk over at her knowingly whilst you carefully wrapped your arms around her waist, without harming the roses you’d given her, as well as the ones she had bought for you for a reason unbeknownst to you.

“Why would I, when I have someone as beautiful as you to tend to?” You clarified, and she would appear even more flustered than she had, before, the red of her cheeks even more prominent than it was, before, ever since you had answered her question with such a remark as you had. “Rose, I-”

She then couldn’t hold herself back anymore as she leaned closer to passionately kiss you, and of course you couldn’t help, but melt into the kiss, your eyelids fluttering shut whilst you revelled in the moment, and wondered how something could feel so perfect as her lips and tongue always had against your own, as well as elsewhere on your body.

“I love you so much,” she expressed weakly in a voice close to a whisper, and you then realised that she was trying not to cry, prompting your heart to sink a little; you hated seeing her upset, and wondered if you had hurt her somehow again, only making you feel worse - you’d never be able to forgive yourself if you ever ended up hurting her like you had a few days ago, now, by arguing with her after she’d revealed to you her relationship with Joel to protect you and her from the harassment or even imprisonment you could face if anyone ever found out about you both being together in times like these, when homosexuality was often classed as a ‘sin against nature’, as well as God himself to those who believed in such a being at the time, “c-can we-?”

You then realised that - as she subconsciously glanced down at your lips again, as well as slipped her hands under your top - she must have got somewhat over-excited alongside you, and of course you couldn’t resist her - why would you, when you wanted to do all you could to make her happy no matter what the cost?

“Yeah,” you answered breathlessly in a voice close to a whisper alongside her after you’d nodded, before you both hastily rushed upstairs together, and disappeared back into the comfort and safety of your hotel room.

|

You guessed that it didn’t come as a surprise to you that things only seemed to go wrong again, before the upcoming concert. As usual - since you thought it might help you deal with the pain you knew you’d face as a result of seeing Rose and Joel together on stage - you were crushing up more ecstasy pills, hoping maybe that - as long as you consumed them - you’d be okay to continue performing, without downing your bass guitar and storming off of the stage the way you often tended to recently. However, as soon as Rose had noticed you consuming the familiar powder, she faltered, and wouldn’t hesitate to rush up to you, a pained as well as anxious expression on her face; she feared that maybe you might end up over-consuming the substance, leaving you in a position that she couldn’t protect you in after the concert had begun, and she couldn’t let that happen, snatching the packet and therefore what was left of the pills away from you.

You would appear taken aback by her action, a pained expression on your face whilst you lifted your right hand up to wipe away the remnants of white powder from beneath your nostrils.

“Rose, what the fuck?” You mustered up faintly, your voice close to a whisper, and she would raise her eyebrows, whilst having to hold the packet even further away as you were trying to make a grab for it, knowing you wouldn’t be able to cope tonight without the rest of the substance you’d been consuming. “Give it back-”

“You know I can’t help you out there, Y/n,” she reminded you dejectedly, and you would frown, before averting your gaze down to the ground, “I can’t let you do this. If I did, I - I could lose you, and that’s-..” She drew in a shaky breath after her voice trembled, and her eyes seemed to darken, prompting your heart to sink; you hated upsetting her, only making you feel worse again as you felt as if she deserved better than you, despite how she had insisted otherwise earlier, and ever since you had both first met and fallen deeply in love with one another. “I just can’t let you do this, okay? At least, n-not right now, when - when I’m not going to be able to be there for you, like I can when we’re alone, and not out there in front of everyone else, so - please, make this easy for the both of us and let me protect you by taking this away, just for now,” she requested, and you would timidly glance up at her whilst your own eyes darkened alongside her’s, until her eyes locked with your’s again, and you felt your soul brightening within you, as if it were being powered by her stunning icy blue gaze, “will you?”

You felt compelled to say ‘yes’, but the word was caught in your throat; your heart was pounding against, and something inside you was still in the process of breaking right then and there. You loved her; you always would, there was no denying such a fact, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to act as if nothing was wrong if you didn’t consume what was left within the packet before the concert could take place, and you could begin to feel again as if you meant nothing to her. You sighed heavily, before shaking your head, and she would falter, a hurt look on her face; she couldn’t believe it; couldn’t believe you’d deny her like you were the knowledge that you’d be okay for the concert tonight; that she wouldn’t lose you after today, prompting her heart to ache excruciatingly all over again.

“I’ve not had enough, yet,” you murmured, whilst forcing yourself to avoid eye contact with her again though it pained you overwhelmingly to do so, “I need more, Rose-”

“But-”

“Tonight isn’t going to work, if-.. if I don’t take anymore than I already have,” you added a little more firmly in a strained voice, prompting her heart to sink again whilst a puzzled as well as disheartened expression washed over her face; it was as if there was a part of her that knew exactly what you meant, without her being aware of it, and it was terrifying to her, feeling such a strange sensation that seemed to make her feel even worse than she already was about the upcoming events tonight. “Please,” you begged her feebly, “I need it, if-.. if I wanna stay here, with you, which I do, more than anything, so-..”

“Bassey, what - what do you mean?” She managed weakly, holding you at arm’s length. “Y-You’re scaring me,” she admitted, whilst everything ached within her more than it ever had before, “Y/n, why - why are you talking like this?”

“Just-.. don’t worry about it, okay?” You replied, trying to soothe her, but she couldn’t be soothed, now, tears beginning to cloud her vision whilst she lifted her right hand up to the back of your head, allowing her to blissfully entangle her fingers within your hair, only making you feel worse for what you were doing, but you weren’t sure what else to do after all that had happened between you both recently.

“I am worried, and I won’t stop worrying until you tell me why you’re doing this,” she answered determinedly, whilst you hesitated, a pained expression on your face, “baby, please, talk to me.”

“Rose, if - if I-..” You faltered, your voice weak again whilst you tried not to cry; tried not to break down horribly in front of her the way you had a few times before when you felt you could no longer hold yourself together as if you were still in pain; just a broken soul trying to survive despite the scars you’d been administered by your family abandoning you before, and now Joel and Rose’s relationship despite your and her love for one another. “If I go out there, and see you and Joel together, I-.. I can’t,” you whined, “I just can’t; it’s too painful; t-too-.. just-.. let me have some more, and I’ll be fine, I - I promise!”

She scoffed, before hastily shaking her head, and throwing the packet in the closest bin to her left arm, prompting you to appear disheartened by her action as you looked up at her again, and appeared panic-stricken as well as dejected; you weren’t sure what to do, now, knowing there was little time before the concert could begin, and therefore not much time left for you to retrieve it and consume the rest of it if she insisted that she wouldn’t allow you to take anymore than you already had for fear of her losing you somehow by doing so.

“I’m not letting you get hurt out there,” she repeated firmly, and you would frown, before nodding gravely, and bowing your head again, “even if-..” She drew in a shaky breath, before wrapping her arms around your waist whilst you tried to hold yourself together again, no matter how hard it was for you to do so - you couldn’t break down in front of her again, knowing that you’d hurt her by doing so, something you’d never be able to forgive yourself for, but you weren’t thinking when you broke out of her embrace, prompting her heart to sink whilst her eyes began to darken once more, a small tear even managing to leak from her right eye, before it trailed slowly down her cheek, but you couldn’t bear to look up at her, knowing you’d only lose control of yourself if you did as a strained sob fought to escape your lips - nothing had ever been this painful before. “Y/n,” she cooed gently, before reaching out for you again, but you wouldn’t allow her to get any closer, only hurting her even more whilst she hastily shook her head, and silently begged you to let her hug you; to let her try and fix this before she could lose you again, but you couldn’t; you were terrified of your love for her, and what it could do to her, and hoped that maybe if you kept your distance she’d give up on you, even after all that you both had been through together ever since you had first met, and fallen deeply in love with one another.

“I’ll-.. I’ll see you after the show, okay?” You uttered, before forcing a smile over at her, and meandering around her, but she couldn’t let you go, catching your arm whilst more tears began to leak painfully from her stunning icy blue eyes, prompting you to falter in her hold whilst you found yourself forgetting how to breathe again, and wondering why; wondering when the pain would stop; when she’d stop having this effect on you, but at the same time you feared your love for her would always be too strong to handle, without being hurt in the process.

“Bassey, please, don’t - don’t go like this,” she pleaded weakly, her voice shaking, prompting your heart to ache even more excruciatingly alongside her own whilst you tried not to sob uncontrollably alongside her, “I love you, I - I can’t do this without you knowing that - do you?”

“Sometimes I wonder why,” you admitted dejectedly, prompting her to falter again whilst she subconsciously shook her head, and wondered why she could no longer speak for a moment, feeling too weak to even find the right words she wanted to share with you, “just let me go, Rose - we’ll talk later-”

“No,” she interjected surprisingly sternly even though she was already struggling to speak alongside you, “we’ll talk now, because I don’t want to lose you again; I can’t let things go back to the way they were before between us, Y/n, I just can’t-”

“Then-.. Then you should have thought about that, right? B-Before you-.. you got with him,” you retorted, and she would appear taken aback, a hurt look on her face, “I’m not a play-toy, Rose, e-even if you’re just doing this to protect us - it still - still hurts, m-more than anything ever has before, and it’s not fair-”

“This whole world’s not fair,” she contradicted, “look around you, Y/n - everyone is in pain, especially people like us; the outcasts of society - it’s not just you-”

“You don’t think I know that?” You interrupted weakly, and she would falter whilst you turned to face her with a hurt look on your face; you couldn’t believe she’d think something like that about you, as if you were selfish, and unaware of how other people exactly like you and Rose were also suffering under the harassment they faced during times like these. “D’you know what? Fuck this,” you spat, “I - I’m done, okay? I’m just-.. I’m done - you won’t have to see me ever again after today, ‘cause I can’t take this anymore, Rose. Whether you love me, or not, I-.. I just can’t stay here, and let our lives get dictated by those who just can’t accept that we love each other, just like anyone else could love the way that they do. See you around.” You then dragged yourself from the room, whilst Rose found she couldn’t move anymore, her glistening eyes staring down at the ground whilst tears dripped down to her shoes; she’d not intended to drive you away again like that, but she wasn’t sure what to do anymore; she was lost, like you were, something she’d never thought would happen the way it had, but what could either of you do in such a restrictive society?

Rod then appeared at the door, but she couldn’t lift her head; couldn’t even think anymore - it was all too painful, and she felt as if she were losing everything within her again as soon as you’d slipped out of the room as if nothing could stop the world from moving the way it had stopped her heart from beating; her life was nothing, without you; her future was nothing, just a blank canvas; bleak, and she was terrified, but - no matter how much she now willed her heart to truly stop beating, it taunted her by continuing as if it were a phantom she couldn’t feel, and it was the worst feeling she’d ever felt before the pain she was being plagued by during this moment in time, whilst you were dragging yourself down the hallway, until you were outside with Suki, Joel, and Eddie, fighting back your tears to the best of your ability - you couldn’t break down, not now, not before the concert, though you didn’t know why you cared about it anymore; you guessed you just couldn’t fuck it all up for her when being the singer of a band was something Rose had always wanted to be.

🜚

You - after the concert - were quieter than you had ever been. As expected, it was more painful than anything you’d ever imagined, leaving you feeling as if you had nothing left within you anymore. Joel and Rose seemed closer than ever on the stage, and you couldn’t bear it; couldn’t bear feeling as if you were losing Rose even after everything you both had been through together recently. You guessed it shouldn’t matter anymore, though, since you were meant to be leaving after today, now made aware to Rod who was already on the lookout for a new bassist without you knowing.

Rose, on the other hand, was also struggling to hold herself together. She recalled how Rod had come into the room, a grave expression on his face whilst she forced her gaze to remain down to avoid him noticing that she was trying not to cry after your and her earlier interaction.

‘I’m gonna fix this, Rod, I - I promise,’ she remembered telling him in a voice barely audible, only for his response to break her more than anything else ever could.

‘Don’t bother, Louisiana,’ he’d replied, ‘I think we’ll be better off without her after everything that’s happened, right? I’ve-.. put out an ad, and I’m hoping people start responding to it soon, just-.. make sure she doesn’t fuck up tonight, okay? This is the last time we’ll have to worry about anything going wrong, at least I hope it will be - see you downstairs.’

Her heart was still throbbing excruciatingly, even after a pleasant distraction of the band running into a sweet little cat on the way back to the hotel.

“Hey, Kitty Kitty,” Suki cooed whilst she crouched down in front of the kit, beaming in its direction as it allowed her to stroke its ears, before she delicately scratched its chin, prompting it to smile (well, it seemed as if it was smiling), whilst it leaned into her hand, and its eyelids were half-shut half-open, until Joel tried to pet it alongside her, prompting it to hiss in its direction whilst he appeared disappointed by its reaction, all the while Rose was trying to meet your gaze, only for you to keep your head bowed, your fingers shaking as you had to try and resist the urge to hold her right hand within your left one.

“Hey,” Joel replied in a makeshift whine, “did you just hiss at me? You’re a Satan kinda kitty cat, aren’t you?”

The cat seemed unperturbed by his remark, returning its attention to Suki whilst she continued to pet it, Rose’s gaze never leaving your shoes; she was desperate to try and get you to stay with her again somehow; desperate to show you how much she loved you, and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, no matter what the cost, but you wouldn’t dare look over at her, small tears threatening to escape your dark and void of life eyes, now, the way they had earlier and throughout the concert, but you somehow managed to perform okay, reminding yourself that you couldn’t fuck this up for her, wanting her to be happy, and to live the life she’d always wanted to live as the lead singer of the band she’d put together.

“I’m going inside,” Rod stated gruffly, as usual, “it’s getting cold, and I’ve got cigars waiting for me in my room, but I’ll be back down soon to celebrate with you lot, of course - we all did well today, didn’t we, Y/n?”

You would appear taken aback by his addressing you, prompting you to wince, snapping back into reality, before you forced yourself to look up at him, and smile faintly - the best fake smile you could put on right now after all that had occurred recently between you and Rose.

“Y-Yeah, we-.. we did,” you strained out, and he would nod his head knowingly, before smiling apologetically over at you, and then making his way inside, leaving you and the others alone again to fester quietly.

“Maybe we should go inside,” Rose suggested a little too quickly, prompting your heart to skip a beat whilst your eyes lit up a little in response to hearing her voice again, but you wouldn’t dare allow your gaze to drift over to her, no matter how much you longed to see her again, and revel in her beauty and warmth, “before we all get sick-”

“I think we’re all too happy to go inside right now, Louisiana,” you uttered, and she would raise her eyebrows, before scoffing, and turning to face you fully, but still you wouldn’t dare look over at her, knowing that if you did it would only get harder for you to bring yourself to leave her side later in a few hours time, your heart aching even more in response to such a thought - she would forever be everything to you, no matter what, and everything about her just made you want to give up your life for her entirely, but you were terrified of hurting her again by fighting with her about Joel the way you had earlier, as if you had forgotten again that she was only with him to protect you both from being harassed about your and her love for one another.

“Is that why you’ve got on a face like thunder right now, and look almost pale as a sheet?” She questioned, and you couldn’t help, but grunt, wishing she didn’t notice such things about you, but she knew you too well now.

“Look, you can go inside if you want to,” you replied dismissively, though it pained you to do so as you hated treating her as if she no longer meant anything to you, when you knew she would always be everything to you, no matter what the future might hold for you both after today, “but I don’t have to, so it’s a good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion, right?”

“Yeah, but-”

“Just-.. focus on yourself, Rose, okay?” You interjected weakly, and she would falter upon noticing the pained expression on your face, prompting her heart to sink excruciatingly, but before she could try and continue, you beat her to it, uttering ‘goodnight, guys,’ before you dragged yourself inside hastily, knowing that soon you might break down if you stayed any longer amongst them, especially beside Rose.

🜸

After you’d left, Rose found she couldn’t take it anymore, looking over at Joel with a pained expression on her face - if she wanted to try and get you to stay, she had to end things with him, and fast, before you could leave by the end of the day, and therefore leave her not sure what to do with herself anymore. Suki would appear surprised by your hasty exit, skeptically looking between Rose and the double doors; she thought it strange that you both were fighting again, when you had used to be best friends; the closest pair in the group, only to now become the most distant - more distant than Rod could be with each and every one of them sometimes.

She drew in a barely audible shaky breath whilst she tried to fight back her tears, before straining out her first request to Joel.

“C-Can we talk, please?” She asked, and he would appear worried, wondering what it was she might want to talk about, and if he’d recently done something wrong that was pushing her away from him, when she’d never had feelings for him in the first place, unbeknownst to him.

“Er, sure - o-of course we can,” he answered warily whilst Suki would listen, but keep her eyes on the cat before her, a worried look upon her face as well as Joel’s; she feared what Rose might be about to put him through, and hoped that maybe if she were about to drop him the way she suspected he might, that she would do it gently as to avoid hurting him more than necessary, though she couldn’t understand why Rose might not want to be with him anymore as they’d been appearing to be happy to her, Joel especially, “what’s up, Rosanna?”

“S-Sorry, I - I meant-.. can we talk, inside? Alone?” She clarified, and he would realise, before wincing, and hesitantly looking over at Suki who smiled reassuringly up at him, before he nodded again, and would offer Rose his hand, only for her to reluctantly refuse it though she feared what he might think of her by doing so, not wanting to start a fight in front of anyone who might be present within the hotel about such a topic she intended to converse about with him. “Let’s just-.. go to the private room for a bit, okay?” She murmured, and he would frown, before nodding gravely, mustering up a faint ‘sure’ whilst he lowered his hand, and meandered around Suki to follow Rose back inside the building. As soon as they’d got inside the band’s private room, and she’d looked around to make sure that nobody was within it but him and herself, she blurted out the first few words that came to mind. “I can’t be with you,” she stated exasperatedly, and he would appear taken aback by her words, a pained expression on his face whilst he faltered, and stared at her dejectedly for a moment, not sure what to say; he clearly wasn’t expecting her to be so bold during a moment in time such as this one.

“What?” He managed, and she would avert her gaze hastily whilst she tried to think of an explanation, wondering if maybe she could avoid entirely the subject that she was in love with you, instead of him, but she wasn’t sure if that would be betraying you, or not, though she was doing it to try and keep you with her - either way, it made her heart ache to think about lying, as well as telling the truth as she feared what Joel might do to you if she revealed that you and her had been engaged in a secret affair even before she and him had got together not too long ago, now, but at the same time she didn’t want you to think - though you weren’t here to hear the conversation - that she was ashamed of your and her love for one another, something she could never be, or even bear to think about, even now making her heart sink even more than it ever had before. “W-What do you-? What the fuck, Louisiana?” He inquired, and she would falter, a guilty expression on her face whilst she tried her best not to allow her gaze to meet his; tears were still threatening to escape her eyes, and she didn’t want to appear weak in front of him, wanting to remain strong for you to get through this; to get through her fear to prove to you that she loved you more than anything, and always would, no matter what the future might hold in store for you both.

“I - I’m sorry, I just-.. I-”

“Why?” He interjected, and Rose would fall quiet for a moment, before she hastily shook her head whilst her eyes began to widen a little; she couldn’t bear this; couldn’t bear the fear of losing you even by telling him the truth about her love for you, prompting her heart to ache excruciatingly again whilst she tried to find the strength within her to tell him the truth, only to be struck completely by panic again. “Why, Rose? Tell me why you don’t want me anymore, at least, before you do this, and end what we had completely,” he pried, and she would wince; she could never feel anything for him, only you, before nodding gravely, and trying to continue to the best of her ability no matter how much it scared her to feel as if she were putting your and her relationship at risk by doing what she was currently doing - finally trying to end things with him so you and her could be almost free together again, somehow.

“I - I don’t want you anymore; I don’t want this anymore, just - because,” she whined, wishing he’d just accept it and let her go and find you before you could leave and possibly never come back to her again, but he couldn’t accept such a vague answer, hastily shaking his head whilst a hurt look crossed his face; he couldn’t believe she was doing this to him, after he’d thought that maybe she truly loved him the way he thought he loved her.

“Because-?” He pried, and she would wince, bowing her head whilst she bit down upon her tongue, and wondered when the pain would stop, hopefully after she got to leave and find you to make sure that you were okay, and were going to stay with her, this time.

“I just-.. can’t, okay?” She insisted, but he wouldn’t accept her response; he couldn’t, until he knew where it was that he had gone wrong, when he’d not necessarily done anything in the first place - it was her love for you willing her to fight harder for you the way she was trying to for fear of you leaving her side forever, if she didn’t try harder than she had before, though you couldn’t imagine why she’d bother to do something like she currently was for someone like you. “I can’t do this with you anymore,” she added, before he could protest again, “I’m not being-.. truthful, to myself, or you, by being with you like I was.”

“W-What do you mean?” He questioned, his voice cracking whilst he did toward the end of his sentence, only making her feel worse; she wished she’d never agreed to start going out with him, now - the hurt faced could have been avoided, if she hadn’t, and she knew she’d never be able to forgive herself for it, especially now that she was on the verge of losing you again as a result of her actions. “Rose-”

“I’m in love with Y/n, Joel,” she admitted feebly, but still determinedly, prompting him to falter whilst a shocked expression crossed his face whilst he tried to register her words, gradually piecing together his, her and your every interaction whilst he did, and for the first time he felt stupider than he’d ever thought before, only realising now how close you had always been to Rose; closer than he’d ever suspected you to be before, and that angered him as well as hurt him, prompting him to scowl over at her.

“Seriously?” He uttered, whilst his hands balled into fists, prompting her to tense up, evidently anxious in response to his reaction, confirming her fears that he might not let either you or her off lightly after today.

“L-Look, I-.. I know this is hard, but-”

“I got bested by a freak?” He interrupted harshly, prompting her to appear taken aback by his remark whilst she began to feel her own veins being filled by her anger in response to his calling you a ‘freak’, something you could never be to her.

“She’s not a freak,” Rose hissed, “y’know what? Screw this - you’re an asshole, and I’m glad we’re not together anymore, because she’d never hurt me like you just did-”

“You’re not going anywhere,” he contradicted dangerously, grabbing her right arm tightly to the point that his grip on it was painful, leaving her wincing, and having to fight back a whimper whilst she tried to remove his hand from around it, but he was determined to not let her leave the room without taking him back, and swearing to drop you instead of him, “I won’t let you-”

“Let go of me!” She cried, the panic taking over again, but he wouldn’t listen, instead forcefully pulling her away from the door to ensure that she stayed in the room with him for as long as he needed her to.

“Make me, bitch,” he spat, before tightening his grip even more purposefully, prompting tears to begin running slowly down her cheeks whilst she desperately struggled against him, silently begging for you to appear at her side, only to give in, knowing that - no matter what - you both could never be free together, no matter how much you longed to be; longed to spend your lives together, and even the afterlife together if there was one after death, but she guessed she’d just have to acknowledge the fact that something so perfect could only be something out of a dream, as she begrudgingly decided to give in to him, ceasing to struggle against his hold, before she warily turned to face him, her gaze fixated on the ground again as she drew in a shaky breath, before she mustered up the words-

“You win,” she uttered dejectedly, prompting him to smirk down at her, “you-.. you win, Joel - I clearly-.. made a big mistake, thinking-.. thinking that me and Y/n would be safe, if I-..” She sighed heavily, before nodding gravely, and begrudgingly looking up at him whilst she tried to fight back the remaining tears that were clouding her vision; tried to ignore her overwhelmingly achy heart and soul, before pushing herself to continue whilst he eyed her smugly, as well as greedily. “What do you want me to do, to stop you from hurting or interfering with Y/n in any way?” She asked, and he would pretend to think about it for a moment, before he couldn’t help, but grin down at her whilst every part of her ached excruciatingly with the knowing that after today, she’d most likely end up waking up to you being no longer by her side anymore.

🜚

“I’m still surprised that you wanted to accompany me here,” you admitted faintly, whilst keeping your gaze locked upon the ground before you whilst you and Rose slowly walked toward the platform your train was leaving from on the Amtrak line back to Louisiana, “are you that excited to see the back of me, already?”

Rose would appear taken aback by your remark, a hurt look on her face whilst she glanced over at you, her eyes darkening, as she wondered when her heart might stop aching excruciatingly the way it was, right now, on the verge of losing you again for what felt like it could be forever, this time, only making her feel worse than she did, before.

“Come on, Bassey,” she whined, whilst trying not to allow her voice to tremble the way it longed to, prompting her to bite down upon her tongue a little, not that it was helping her in any way, shape, or form, the way it used to, “it’s not like that, and you know it - I could never be happy about you leaving me.”

“Then why are you watching me leave?” You inquired, curious, and she would frown again, before bowing her head; she just wanted to see you one last time; talk to you one last time, if she truly were never to see you again if she wanted to protect you from Joel’s threat of hurting you as a result of his jealousy upon finding out about your and her secret relationship. “It wouldn’t hurt as much, y’know,” you mused, and she would falter, scoffing, before you hesitantly turned to face her, a pained expression on your face; you hated what you were doing to her, though you weren’t sure why she still cared about a supposed nobody like you, “Rose-”

“How - How could you even say something like that? You know it hurts, Bassey,” she contradicted feebly, whilst small tears began to cloud her vision again, prompting you to nod gravely, whilst you tried desperately to swallow the lump forming in your throat, “do you really think that I could care so little about someone that I love, like you? Do you seriously think so little of me? T-That I’m that cold as to not care about how there’s a possibility I might never see you again, after today?”

“I didn’t think you’d even-.. want to see me again,” you admitted dejectedly, prompting her heart to sink even lower than it already had somehow - of course she wanted to see you again; how couldn’t she want to?

“Of course I do,” she replied gently, and you would frown, before nodding gravely, and forcing a smile up at her; you hoped maybe there was a chance you’d run into her, too, at some point, as long as you didn’t end up burdening her again somehow, weakening your smile a little; you were leaving to make her happy again, at least you thought she’d be happy if you were gone, so what would happen if ever she ended up finding you back in Louisiana, and how might she react? Would you hurt her again? You drew in a shaky breath, before you timidly held her hands in your’s, soothing her as her eyes began to glint again whilst they locked blissfully with your’s, prompting your heart to skip a beat whilst you subconsciously admired her, and wondered why you’d forgotten briefly how to breathe again whilst your eyes explored her’s for possibly the last time, or what could be the last time after today, prompting your heart to sink whilst you wondered again why you were leaving her side; why you weren’t breaking down, and begging her to keep you, but the reminder of all the hurt you’d put her through, as well as her relationship with Joel, pushed you begrudgingly to carry on, and try and fight back the tears that were currently clouding your vision alongside her own.

“L-Look, Rose, I-.. I don’t want to leave here, without you knowing that-.. that I-.. I love you,” you managed weakly, your voice briefly trembling, and she would falter, a pained expression on her face again; she never thought three significant words could hurt her as much as your’s had, but there she was struggling to hold the tears in her eyes any longer, whilst her heart throbbed excruciatingly alongside your own - this felt so wrong, but she didn’t know what to do anymore, “I always have, a-and I always will, okay? N-No matter what happens after today; no matter where I go, I-.. it - it will always be you that my heart calls for, a-and worships more than it could anything, or anyone else, I just-.. I want you to be happy, a-and to do that, I-.. I can’t stay here.. I’m so sorry, Rose, I-.. I just-…”

A hurt look would cross her face again whilst she tried to put together all that you’d just told her in her brain, prompting her to hastily shake her head whilst she gently squeezed your hands in an attempt to try and provide comfort to you the way she longed to, and loved to, in order to try and make you smile again somehow; she missed your smile; the way your eyes and whole face seemed to light up whenever you both were alone together, before she’d told you about Joel, and her plan to try and protect you both by presenting herself to the public as being in love with him, and not you.

“Y/n, no,” she whined, whilst she affectionately connected her forehead to your’s, prompting your heart to sink again whilst you both tried to focus on only each other, and not the audience around you who had already begun to talk quietly amongst themselves about how strangely close you both currently were in the middle of the platform, “don’t do this, I-..” She then remembered Joel’s threat, prompting her to appear dejected all over again whilst she tried to think of a way she could keep you with her without you being hurt by him, somehow, if ever he were to find out that she was still with you, and couldn’t ever feel anything for him, but contempt as a result of the way he was treating her, as well as you, the way that the public seemed to treat people like you and her during times like these. “I can’t live without you, I just can’t,” she admitted exasperatedly, in a strained manner, surprising you as you weren’t expecting such a reaction from her, after everything you both had already been through together, “you do make me happy; you - you’ve made me happier than I’ve ever been before, and I can’t lose that; I can’t lose this - this feeling, because it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me; you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and there’s no changing that, no matter what you. You leaving me would break me, Bassey - please, just-.. don’t go-”

“I have to,” you insisted weakly, before timidly lifting your right hand up to her left cheek, “you don’t understand-”

“I do, and I refuse to let you leave because you think that you’ve only ever hurt me, when that’s far from true,” she interjected hastily, desperate to try and prove to you that you meant more to her than you thought you did, somehow, before she could lose you forever the way she could, after today, as what is there to determine that maybe she’d be able to find you again - would the band ever decide to go back to Louisiana, anyway? Would Rod even allow such a thing to happen when he knows that Louisiana is where you’re going to be, after today? Would he take such a risk allowing her to see you again, though he knew that she loved you more than anything or anyone else she ever had before? “Please, Bassey, stay,” she begged, determined to figure out a way to protect you from Joel whilst keeping you here at the same time, but you were worried about only messing things up and hurting her again by staying the way she longed and was pleading for you to, “I need you.”

“If I stayed, what would we do?” You asked, whilst raising your eyebrows skeptically, and she would hesitate, her eyes darkening a little whilst she tried to think of somewhere that you both could go together, not that you were aware of Joel’s threat, yet. “Rod’s probably already looking for a replacement as we speak,” you uttered, and she would appear taken aback by your indirectly correct assumption, prompting her heart to sink, “he wouldn’t let me stay, being of no use to the group whatsoever anymore, would he?”

“Y-Yeah, but-”

“Just-.. let me go, Rose,” you murmured, and she would appear taken aback, a hurt look on her face whilst she silently begged you to change your mind; silently begged you not to leave her like this, when she knew what would happen if you did, envisioning herself feeling lost, scared, and alone, before finding herself most likely in a puddle of her own blood somewhere after finally giving up on her future if she ever realised she’d never be able to see you again after today, “you don’t need me, n-not when-.. when you have Joel, a-and the others; they can take care of you, a-and Joel, he-.. he loves you, Louisiana, he-..”

You drew in a shaky breath, before you forced a smile over at her whilst she couldn’t help, but think: ‘you’re right; he clearly loves me enough to threaten your life just to ensure that he could keep me being his, and more miserable than I ever have been before’, but she was too terrified of what you might do, if ever she put such a fact into words; terrified of how you might react to knowing that he had threatened you just because he’d found out about you and Rose being in love with one another, so of course she let it remain a miserable thought within her head, instead of a lingering fact only dividing you both even more than you already had been.

“Besides, you-.. you know where I am if you need me, right?” You reminded her, and she would frown, before nodding gravely, and forcing a smile back at you whilst she wrapped her arms around your waist for a moment, and you couldn’t help, but return the embrace whilst you both revelled in one another’s presences one more time, before you could leave her feeling empty and hopeless again, the way you had been before she had found you, and made you feel as if things might actually be okay again as long as you and her were together, before this moment in time. You then realised how close your lips were to hers, prompting your heart to skip a beat, before you winced, and strained out her name breathlessly in a voice close to a shaky whisper, prompting her to frown again; it was painful, not being able to kiss you, especially when she could be about to lose you indefinitely after today, but there were too many people around, and you both were terrified of someone hurting one another as you begrudgingly decided to let go of each other, no matter how much it hurt the both of you to do so, leaving you feeling emptier than you ever had before whilst you longingly stared over at one another, small tears leaking from each of your eyes, before they began to slowly trail down your cheeks. “So-..” You murmured, and she would clear her throat barely audibly, before hastily lifting her right hand up to wipe away her tears to the best of her ability.

“So, we-.. we agree, right?” She mustered up in a voice close to a shaky whisper, and you would nod slowly whilst the train began to sound out its approach behind you both. “N-No looking back?” She added, and you would nod again, before repeating the three words to clarify them, and she would draw in a shaky breath, before nodding to try and convince herself that she would be okay; that this whole situation was okay; normal, but she felt too numb to even think of anything else anymore - all she could think about was you, and how she might never see you again if you were to get on the train the way you intended to, for her sake as well as the sake of the others, believing they were all better off without you, no matter how much it hurt you to be away from her. “Okay,” she managed, before forcing herself to shrug whilst you nodded again, and returned the same word as you hesitated, your eyes not leaving her’s for a moment, before you sighed heavily, mustered up a half-hearted goodbye, and began to walk toward the train - you couldn’t stay there any longer with her, if you wanted to make her happy again by moving away, back home where you couldn’t hurt her, as long as she didn’t decide to come and try to find you in what remained of your and her futures, now that you were supposedly going to not be apart of her own anymore.

~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed it! ❤️