#midlife reflection

[laidbackmarco]

What if I achieve my dreams and still feel unhappy?

[parwatisingari]

From YOLO to Oh-No

Life’s Chaotic Climb and Spiritual U-Turns Life’s Rollercoaster: From Childlike Dreams to Midlife Crises and Beyond When we’re kids, life seems limitless. At 18, as we step onto the threshold of adulthood, we are handed this invisible badge that says, Welcome to Adulthood, Now Figure It Out. Expectations multiply faster than WhatsApp groups during wedding season, and while the world is brimming…

[mkaneshige]

Mark's Musings #50

Little things done well make the big things happen.

[whoblewboobear]

I love calling Jace old bc technically speaking even if he’s in his 50s he’d probably look and feel like he’s in his 30s meanwhile Porter is maybe late 40s, younger than Jace for sure, but with his shorter lifespan he just looks a little older than him. I think porter definitely feels his age too especially before taking ambrosia.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Worst Guy Ever - Also, Unfortunately, Very Homosexual Convo. (subtextually)

[bloomberrypint]

Thinking about what a hignfy movie could be

[hallow138]

#summertime #missingyou #hike #explore #nature #outdoors #trees #woods #forest #tahoenationalforest #sierrabuttes #lostsierra #sierranevada #lake #reflections #mountains #landscape #midlife #forties #mentalhealth #alltrails #solo #solitude #california #roadtrip #daytrip #misomaniac #views (at Volcano Lake Sierra City, Ca) https://www.instagram.com/p/Coz52X_pSYc/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[toovaeloe]

this art is so beautiful and gorgeous I looked at it and I crumpled into a million pieces

Going towards south 🏖️

[invisiblekatanaartwork]

Artist's Blog #150 - American Beauty (1999)

Rediscovering American Beauty Through an Artist’s Lens

I was not certain when I watched American Beauty recently that I would blog about it but, after listening again to my choked-up audio notes, I feel that I should. I had forgotten just how powerful this movie was, the dictation on my phone quickly reminded me. One reason that I considered not blogging is because of the personal things that a blog on a movie like this can bring out. There is so much in American Beauty that you can’t watch it once and get it all. You could easily write a thousand papers analyzing this movie – it’s a sea, deep and endless. There is one lesson though that I took from American Beauty that all who watch it should, memento mori or more commonly, mindfulness. That being said, let’s look into some “moments from my stupid little life” and how and why American Beauty impacted me.

This is something for anyone to keep in mind if they are to watch this movie. It will help unlock the beauty of the film. I think that people in America either know people in their lives who are the characters in American Beauty or are characters from this movie themselves. Honestly, for me, I think that I’ve known people who are all these characters. But I will only discuss a few instances from my 42 trips around the ball of fire in the sky, or you’ll be reading all day. Let’s go ahead and descend this rabbit hole.

Life Lessons from Colonel Fitts, United States Marine Corp: A Father’s Reflection

We’ll begin by discussing one character from American Beauty, Colonel Fitts, United States Marine Corps. My teenage years were spent on edge with my father. Now, this was 100% my fault, and being a father now has taught me so much. If you’ve seen American Beauty, you know that Colonel Fitts makes some bad choices, and they stem from his desire to connect with his son. Looking back on my life, I should have made more of an effort to connect with my dad because I strive to do this now. During my headlong confrontation with the authority of my father, I missed so many great opportunities to get to know him as a person. He wanted to be involved in my life but, I refused this. It was childish foolishness.

As a father now to 3 daughters, I make sure to be a loud voice in their lives and keep communication open. Mistakes made in my relationship with my dad enlightened me. Here’s an example. My dad was a runner, and I too was a gifted runner so, he tried to force me to enjoy running. He failed and instead, I hate it to this day. With my girls, I would love for them to practice Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu but, instead, it’s volleyball and cheerleading. I don’t force what I want on them but instead, allow them to enjoy what they enjoy. I just make sure to be in the stands, tell them good job, and encourage them to learn teamwork, good sportsmanship, dedication, discipline, etc. This is what I learned from Colonel Fitts, United States Marine Corps in American Beauty.

American Beauty and the Changing Landscape of America

Perhaps this is frightening and maybe it should be but, American Beauty is how I perceive life to be in America. A mentor helped me realize that being artistically gifted makes me see things differently from everyone else and this may be an instance of this. The white picket fence and rose garden, smiling fake people, and small grouped communities close enough to video your neighbor through a window seem a lot like life today. I’m not necessarily happy about this. It seems so frequent now to see huge plots of land destroyed for communities just like this to be built. I miss the small-town life that I experienced as a kid and feel soon it will be a thing of the past. Some of these qualities likely have always been but, I don’t recall them being so frequent in my childhood and adolescence.

The Symbolism of Roses in American Beauty

On a side note, a rose garden is fun and intriguing. One day, I want a rose garden. Of course, I will need the time it takes to care for one too. The few roses that I have on my property now require a lot of work. Once, I wandered around in an awe-inspiring rose garden under the stars while a friend helped a customer inside her house. Sorry, I digress. These are some of the pictures that American Beauty paints of life and I think it’s very accurate. But there’s the next level down that it shows too. This is where I think reality often sits. I watched the trailer for American Beauty while discussing it with a coworker and I noticed that it said “Look Closer” – Wow, this tagline really makes sense after watching this film again.

“Our Relationship Is Just a Commercial”: Modern Life Exposed

Recently, I saw a close friend go through a divorce. It was unexpected and caught all of us off guard. We thought that his relationship was strong and his marriage great but, this was not the case. As was said in American Beauty, “Our relationship is just a commercial.” I’m in no way trashing my friend because I care about both parties involved but, this “commercial” idea was fascinating in this light. How many times in life do we advertise something that is not true? We go into massive debt to make people think we have all the best gadgets, cars, etc. All the while, American Express is loving us. Or we create the façade that we have a beautiful, wonderful home life but each spouse has several partners and hates to be at home with the other. False advertisement exists both in television commercials and in life "commercials" as well.

Midlife Crisis or Awakening? Lessons from Lester Burnham

In my wild youth, I honestly didn’t expect to see my 42nd birthday but, here I am. I’ve often heard the term “midlife crisis”, and I guess I’ve arrived at midlife. I’m waiting on my crisis but, I don’t foresee one anytime soon. American Beauty presented this idea. Kevin Spacey’s character, Lester, through a series of events, plummets into a midlife crisis full throttle. His marriage is unhappy, which leads him to a complete lack of concern for his wife who then reciprocates. Lester is very vocal about his numbness and even makes it clear to others that he knows what’s going on and doesn’t care. Ricky, played by Wes Bentley, who is a classmate of Lester’s daughter becomes his friend and drug dealer. We see Lester taking the I’m going to act like I’m in high school stereotypical midlife crisis approach to existence. Consequences tag along though.

Breaking the Mold: Finding Freedom in Midlife

I want to look at a “midlife crisis” from a different perspective. Consider this for a moment. Taking an approach of no longer caring what people think about you is a liberating thing. Now, I am a philosopher, and I realize that by not conforming you are conforming to non-conformity but, I don’t like to “fit the mold” myself. American society tells us what we need to have, etc. For a man to say “I’m going to do what I want with my life” is powerful. There was a show called Live Free or Die about people who were “rewilding” that I enjoyed. These folks were really taking freedom to another level. Here in lies the problem, you must play the game to be able to afford to live like this though. Lester’s fun would eventually have run out with his severance package – back to the rat race again.

The Mindfulness Message in American Beauty

An illusive idea presented well in American Beauty is mindfulness. I think that the path to this is through gratitude. The hardest part of American Beauty for me was the final scene where Lester’s monologue was playing. His little girl standing at the door hit me like a sledgehammer. Not long ago now, I had the privilege of seeing my daughter get married. I asked her just to come home but, she wanted to marry. She asked that I spread her veil out wide so that she would look as beautiful as she could for a man waiting for her at the end of the asphalt path. As I held the white elaborate lace train in my hand, a symbol of genuine purity in her case, I made a conscious effort to lock that memory in. To echo American Beauty, there really is so much beauty in life.

Even though I enjoyed this moment, I struggled. Going back to that little girl in the doorway, I have a 14-year-old whom I remember holding for the first time. I remember what I was wearing (true vintage Clemson sweater), the friends and family there, the time, and the inexpressible joy that I felt at that moment. But here I am now, teaching her to drive a car in the same parking lot where I let her ride her small pink bike. How much beauty have I missed because of a job? How much beauty have I been absent from because I wanted to paint? I can go on and on. The point is that 14 years full of beauty have flashed by. I must absorb more of it going forward for one day, I will be holding her veil and she’ll be gone into her own life too.

Practicing Gratitude: A Personal Take on American Beauty

In closing, I’ve taken the approach of applying American Beauty and its tagline of “Look Closer” to my perspective of life. As I mentioned in the beginning, you could look at this movie 1,000 different ways and notice so many different things. I could watch again and see a completely different approach to this blog. I find myself practicing mindfulness and being engulfed in the beauty of life, good and bad. I had gotten into this habit prior to my viewing of American Beauty with my blogging specs on and I feel that it helped. My blogs are not really a stream of consciousness but, I watch then do audio notes and write my thoughts later. So, having been in the habit of thinking differently fits well with some of the themes in American Beauty.

Thank you for taking the time to read this artist’s thoughts on American Beauty. I invite you to follow my art journey on social media, visit my website, and consider supporting and buying my work here. If you liked this blog or the movie, please like this post and share it too. Also, feel free to comment, especially if you are a fan. Here’s the biggest question for me about American Beauty and I have done 0 research on the answer. I may wait a few months and see what’s out there but what is the significance of the rose in this movie? If anyone knows, please drop some knowledge in the comments. I imagine this answer to this could be another 1800-word blog itself. Peace. 

[bruxbea]

idk if our last Dark Urge run was bugged or not (they never once did the Matt Berry "FATHER" dialogues when being character selected) but this time poor Dirge Lark is sure going through it..

love the idea that this decent sized group of fairly capable thinkers collectively went "Hey so the short one muttering to herself in the corner, should we bother to inform her we've elected her our leader or should we just, idk, see if she picks up on social cues?"

[voguegenics]

The New Fun: Staying In vs. Going Out at 50

Remember when going out used to be fun? Yeah, me too... but that was 20 years ago. Now, between the loud music, the hangovers that last for days, and the effort it takes to get dressed, I’d rather be home in my sweats by 9 p.m. 😴

Remember when going out was the highlight of the week? You’d get ready like you were preparing for a magazine cover shoot, stay out until dawn, and somehow, miraculously, roll into work the next day with a cup of coffee and a smile. Those were the days, weren’t they? But now, as a woman in my 50s, going out just isn’t what it used to be, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. Spoiler alert: it’s…

[modelonegro]

Farewell to Denver

To the city of Denver, As I prepare to depart, I find myself reflecting on our shared journey and the broader tapestry of humanity woven through your streets. Denver, our relationship has been a dance of wonder and dissonance. The towering Rockies have been silent witnesses to our harmony and our missteps. Described as a rugged jewel drawing Americans westward with promises of opportunity, you…

[attictrollsidenityquest]

Self Discovery after Catastrophe

There seems to a be a small trend for women of my generation to experience a major traumatic event (Divorce, death of a spouse, end of career etc.) that totally levels existing identities leading to a need for reanalyzing foundational beliefs. After it happened to me I noticed many creators on social media and others in my community were experiencing a similar pattern. TikTok seemed to be a good place to find them.

So in the past 2ish years my beliefs and identity conceptions have dramatically changed. I was a non practicing Christian that feared hell too much to reevaluate my religious indoctrination, a straight identifying CIS woman in a marriage to a CIS man for 15 years, and a centrist democrat. I was too invested in my own personal equilibrium for any of that to change much if at all, though I had questioned much of it in a casual way. The sudden, traumatic passing of my husband served as a catalyst for literally all of it to be reevaluated.

I do not believe the trauma actually caused much real change in these aspects of my self, rather it caused me to critically examine myself and discover a great many parts of my inner self. It also served to break down or destroy the false personas I had adopted in order to better suit the expectations of others or in response to social conditioning. For example, I was socially trained from an early age that I should be straight and the option to be anything else simply did not exist, so since I now realize I am attracted to many portions of the gender spectrum, it was natural for me in childhood to foster and pursue an attraction to men and ignore or misinterpret any other attractions I felt. The same pressures dictated how I viewed my gender presentation, since I now identify as genderfluid, my desire to express masculine traits interpreted as a tomboy phase that needed to be outgrown. ]

After the event, I first began seeking to understand my spiritual beliefs due to a need to form a solid belief of the afterlife, the nature of the soul, and souls purpose. This search for spiritual truth naturally was almost immediately focused into an exploration of the my true self, integrating my shadow, and a better understanding of my inner wants and needs. Deconstruction of my evangelical christian beliefs eventually led to what I would consider deconversion from traditional christianity. As a child of around 10 I had realized that some of the foundational beliefs that were taught to me as absolute truth didnt stand up to logic or moral standards as I saw them, leaving me in a kind of spiritual limbo where I acknowledge that they aren't truth but was unable to totally discard them due to the fear indoctrination of hell doctrine. Essentially, I pushed these logical holes and problems into a box and refused to think about them for over a decade, avoiding cognitive dissonance discomfort by just never allowing myself to examine anything beyond face value.

Once I began deconstruction of my remaining religious beliefs I naturally needed to renegotiate my views on a great many things in society and politics. I had already been on the left and this reconsideration moved me quite a but further in that direction. Reevaluating my feelings on other societal issues that are not closely tied to religion happened naturally at this point simply due to the process putting me into a more open minded state. I was more willing to honestly examine how things like capitalism vs socialism, the plight of marginalized groups in the US, US foreign policy, climate issues, and the extent of corporate corruption in government. It may have helped that I was never truly indoctrinated to dismiss such issues in the same way that others were around me.

Finally being able to sever those stubborn indoctrinated beliefs led to a domino effect of honest openminded reconsideration that has now resulted in me becoming a drastically different person. I also contend that the person I am now is much closer to the truth of my soul and committed to my principles. I feel that I am a much more morally guided person now. Many might see that as ironic I think.

The purpose of this blog is to record the process of refining my understanding of these formerly hidden or rejected parts of me, or my shadows if you will, and possibly connecting with others who might be able to relate. I am certain that this drastic renegotiation of self is not an uncommon occurrence and that there is much value in hearing about the journeys of others. While I have access to thus through the TikTok app it seems that may not always be the case and the Tumblr community has always been one that I enjoyed. I particularly wish to hear from parents who resonate with any or all of this stuff about ways they have navigated this with thier children. Ultimately, even if I am not able to connect with anyone who understands, the act of blogging about my experience has plenty of value for me as well.

SO......anyone else??? Mid-30s identity crisis anyone? feeling like the you from just a year ago is almost a total stranger? Learning about your own gender identity and sexuality well into adulthood? Learning what those different expressions and relationships might look like for you? Recovering from narcissistic abuse patters at the same time? Actively exploring different faith paths searching for the answers? or maybe generally feel like the past few years in society has rocked your metaphorical shit??

We should form a guild or something. :-)

[mkaneshige]

Breath Of Life

While you still have breath in your souldon’t let the lightof your inner voice diminishKeep that spark aliveby creating words oflove, joy and inspiration

[thisisstillme]

Reflect, Refresh, Reset: Findings from February

February whizzed by in its usual whirlwind fashion, didn’t it? It feels like just last week, we were waving goodbye to January, and now here we are, welcoming spring with open arms. As I sit down to reflect on the past month, I can’t help but feel like I’m scrambling to remember what exactly I did. My few scribbled notes have me wondering, “What the hell did I get up to in February?” But let’s…

[kat-soop]

Sadness.