#mental health was shot not to mention finances

[sensitiveasscancer]

Been in a bubble the last couple of months. But I’m happy.

[milamilamilax]

Sydney's mental health

I’ve read plenty of theories about Sydney’s potential health issues, particularly whether she might have lupus, but I think the show could take a different approach. There are various clues throughout the two seasons pointing at mental health issues for Sydney, which I think these point towards things potentially getting worse for Sydney as she puts too much pressure on herself - or perhaps hints of a backstory for Sydney, but the clues are definitely there. 

We’ve seen general hints about Sydney having anxiety, e.g. struggling to sleep, haunted by memories of catering, and the stomach problems she has, likely due to stress. We also know that she is closed off emotionally, to the extent that she arguably even hides the truth about her mother’s death. Although we haven’t seen it officially yet, her “c’est pas grave” tattoo feels like something someone with anxiety would say to themselves as a kind of motto.

Specific things I’ve noticed while rewatching that support this include:

Sydney talking to Carmy (1x05) about the collapse of her business “My whole shit got rocked. And there’s not a night I don’t stay up just thinking about what I could’ve done different.” Sydney refers to her shit getting rocked separately to her credit getting fucked. Notably, when talking with Marcus about the same thing (the collapse of her business) in 1x08 is how this affected her finances - her negative credit score and moving back in with her dad, so she must be thinking of something else here. (I also think this is a sign of Sydney/Carmy > Sydney/Marcus; she’s more open with Carmy when they barely know each other than she is with Marcus when they’re hanging out outside of work as friends.)

In the shots of Sydney's bedroom (also in 1x05) the choices of posters could mean something more. There are 2 film posters that we see clearly in Sydney's room: (1) Jumping' Jack Flash, a film named after a Rolling Stones song, which recounts stories of intense suffering only to come out stronger, and (2) Speed, a film about a bus that has been rigged to explode if its speed drops below 50mph. This also made me of all the references to Sydney driving and how this is a metaphor for her ambition and work ethic (see here) - could it be a reference to this drive also being a weakness?

Sydney talking to Marcus (1x08), after he compliments her for not taking a day off and getting right back to cooking: “I’m just the type, like, as soon as I stop I just *mimics falling apart*". Clearly, she’s experienced this falling apart before, but this is something we haven't seen on screen. We don’t know the timelines of Sydney’s business and exactly when it fell apart, but could it be that the collapse of Sheridan Road drove her to also collapse? (This is also the conversation where she explicitly says to Marcus "It would be weird to work in a restaurant and not completely lose your mind," but I think this is something different to her references to losing her mind when she's not working.)

Sydney talking with her dad (2x02), she differentiates The Bear from her previous business, saying: “I’m in a much better place than last time.” I found this choice of words interesting - separately, she mentions that she’s learned lots of lessons, and has a partner now, but the reference to a “better place” is distinct. What kind of “place” she was in when she started and closed Sheridan Road? It sounds like whatever her emotional and mental state was, it was at least a factor in her failure there. It’s also interesting that she didn’t mention this as one of the reasons for leaving catering when she discussed it with Carmy in 1x05: she didn’t refer to any personal factors, focusing instead on the logistical challenges (on her business getting too big too fast, and the difficulties of running it out of her garage). 

Emmanuel to Sydney (2x09): “I know you can put a lot of pressure on yourself”; Sydney responds: “why can’t we put everything that we have into everything that we can?” And then, “I don’t know if I could do another one.” This exchange isn't subtle at all, because Emmanuel is a great dad and cares about his daughter, but I find it interesting how much he is focused on the pressure Sydney puts herself under; he's no longer focusing on the risky nature of the industry or her change in plan as he was in 2x02, he’s only concerned about her wellbeing here. We know how much pressure she is in fact putting on herself (to get a star, and to generally be the best) so could she end up pushing herself too far again?

Sydney talking to Carmy (2x09) in the infamous table scene: “What if I just, like, completely melt? Like I just, fuck up and fail?” Now, at this point, we haven’t actually seen Sydney completely melt. In 1x05 and 1x06 she handles crises at the restaurant like a boss and saves the day with her quick thinking, and even with the to-go crisis in 1x08, her initial response is to try to help - what makes her throw in the towel is Carmy’s attitude towards her. She could also be referring to the final pasta dish she did for Sheridan Road, but this also didn't sound like "completely melting" to me. I think she’s remembering another time here, a different memory that we haven't seen yet - or perhaps foreshadowing melting in the future.

I’m also interested in how the writers have made Sydney so similar to both Carmy and Mikey, two characters who we know have struggled with extremely poor mental health.

Now, Sydney and Carmy's clothes (think matching jumpers, uniforms, the Thom Browne connection - see post here), language (see this post), and even their names (see here) show how similar they are. This post, however, made me realise how much the writers have also made Sydney mirror Mikey. Maybe the writers are hinting at a similar spiral (although I couldn't imagine this involving drugs specifically, which is something we've never seen referred to in the context of Sydney). 

When Mikey was spiralling, Carmy was away - he didn’t even know Mikey was using drugs, and he didn't go home in the immediate aftermath. Likewise, in 2x10, Carmy is (for all intents and purposes) away and unable to help Sydney when she begins to lose control of the situation. Just as with Mikey, Richie is the one who is available - and, this time, he’s able to save the day.

Generally, Sydney appears relatively stable on the surface, particularly when we compare her to some of the Berzatto family - but I think this is at least partly a case of her being a character who doesn't let her emotions show as much. My own theory for S3 is that the above is either hinting at a larger spiral for Sydney, or is some heavy hinting for Sydney's backstory, which I hope to God we get to see more of.

[slowestlap]

Valtteri Bottas was part of a Finnish tv show called "Yökylässä" (sleepover) where the host goes to visit Finnish celebrities and spends two days and one night in their home. This episode aired on February 2nd, 2023 and was filmed at some point in 2022.

Below I give context to the screenshots and have also translated some interesting bits:

1st row: Just some cute random VB photos to start with

2nd row: He really loves gin, first two photos are from his main apartment and right photo is from his weekend house. It simply was too many bottles to fit into one shot (no pun)

3rd row: And here we have him making gin tonic using his own gin brand. The obligatory helmet wall (there was another one as well). He's had this Ferrari for a few months, says blue is his favorite color. He'd have wanted to drive the host around with it but the battery had run out so they went with his red Alfa Romeo SUV

4th row: That's his weekend house near the main apartment but outside the city center. An artist in Monaco offered to make art work (something funny) for him and this is what they received. The framed a$$ photo is in the guest bathroom of the weekend house. They sold 5400 pcs of prints of it in 24h and got 50k€ for charity

5th row: They face timed Mika. He (grinningly) says the only advise he can give to Valtteri is "to break later". Just some absolute mint slippers he was wearing when they brushed teeth. That's his boat which is called "Rehab" but "it's almost the opposite (when you go there)". They rent it for others too, a full day is ~5k€

Other stuff i decided to highlight:

There's 3 or 4 feral cats around the weekend house that they'll give food to

The most important trophies are in Finland, the one from his first win is the most special

"It's hard to find apartments that you like to stay in (in Monaco), the prices are crazy expensive and quality is quite bad and they're old"

He pays 9500 € rent per month for his apartment

He wouldn't say how much the weekend house cost

The main reason for moving to Monaco was the taxes. He's calculated that in Finland his net income would be ~20 % of all of his gross income. In Monaco it's 60-70% after his expenses (like managers etc.) At the beginning of his career when things were unsure he thought it's important to try to make as much money as possible, after all the hard work he had put into becoming an F1 driver

He doesn't enojy fame and would rather be unknown but he understands it's part of being in F1 and he'd do anything to be able to live his childhood dream

He drove a kart for the first time as 5yo, jumped out of it and told everyone he'll become an F1 driver

Mika Häkkinen was his idol as a kid. It was a wow moment when he got a call from an unkonwn number in 2007 and it was Mika who wanted to help him in his career

He handles his finances/contracts by himself because it's hard to give someone else control over those things. Also mentions he doesn't like to be a passenger in a car because he's not in control of it

He only goes to social media to post things he wants to share, he doesn't read any comments or dm's

Tiffany does read some comments and said there's now less hateful comments towards Valtteri compared to how much there was when he drove for Merc

He hasn't really been single, after his break ups he's fallen in love quickly again. "It's nice to have a life partner"

Weight mentions ahaed! He talks a bit about the same stuff he mentioned in his podcast last year; he trained himself sick (around 2014). He was having really unhealthy training and eating habits and hid things from his trainer. He thought at the time that was what he should do. "If your team tells you to weight a certain amount, you'll do it". He then talked to a psychologist who said at first he was behaving like a robot without emotions but after that he started to work on getting healthier habits back

Host: "Do you talk about mental health related issues with your colleagues?" - "Not really, it still isn't a common subject to talk about. Even though maybe we should, I'm not the only guy who sometimes struggles".

Host: "How was it when you were the second driver for years?" - "Quite tough. It was so hard to accept but now I've made peace with it that Lewis was a better driver than me. After last year (2021) I admitted to myself that that's just how it goes sometimes." "Did you use to be bitter and jealous?" - "Yes, especially the first couple of years. I didn't hate him, we had a good partnership but I always thought how can I beat him and be better than him and win the championship. But it was tough 5 years. I shouldn't have been as harsh to myself."

He pays the private jet company he uses extra amount of money, enough to compensate the environmental impact. They went to his boat and he said he will compensate the costs too

He mentions that sometimes in the places they travel to it's better to keep quiet and lay low than to speak up about the issues within the country. He does say that in Saudi (2022, after the missile) the drivers decided to not drive but they were guaranteed it's safe to do so and that there's heavy security around the track. "Show must go on" and they weren't really given an option other than to drive. Formula 1 goes to places that pay the most.

Host: "The only thing missing from your life is F1 championship, is that so?" - "Yes."

[whollyjoly]

Em!!! How about 3, 8, 12, and 13 for the BoB ask!! 🖤🫡

hello my dear!! ahhh thank you for stopping by!!! ✨✨

okay okay SO

3. which episode wrecks your emotions the most?

FUCK that is such a hard question cause like...a lot of them. but honestly, bastogne just fills me with so many different emotions?? there's something about the stark juxtposition of that episode compared to the relatively colorful episodes in holland - we go from these purple and yellow fields of thistle and yarrow to the stark monochrome of a freezing hell in basically no time, and you can feel the creeping dread slowly consume you, almost like a kind of hypothermia

i also think that there's something so visceral about focusing on the deteriorating health of the company - not just the physical health, but the mental toll as well. its easy to think about things like gun shots and mortar shells, but seeing the slow misery absolutely guts me. joe's trench foot, bill's uti, babe's cough... and just the overwhelming sense of grief. all the things that gene, our absolute goddamn beloved, feels so responsible and no matter what he does, there's just...nothing he can do.

but even with no supplies, no coat, no morphine, no goddamn scissors - he still tries. he still runs into the fire, takes the boots off a corpse, gives away the precious piece of chocolate. because he is a medic and thats what he does.

(bonus fun fact: the first time i watched band of brothers, i was in undergrad - where i was studying to be an emergency room doctor! my path ended up going a different direction, but that drive and desire to just...help, is something i've always resonated with. especially with gene. so maybe im biased a bit 😅)

FUCK anyways that was a lot longer than i meant it to be but!!! this episode!!!!! kills me!!!!!!!

8. when did you first watch the show?

LOL didn't even realize this was the next question when i mentioned it above!! but yeah, funny story, my ex introduced me to this show?? we were in college (this was about 7ish years ago?) and he knew i loved history - particularly war/political media - and thought i would enjoy it!! anyways, we binged it over a few days, and i super quickly became obsessed.

although, i remember him like? spoiling things for me while watching and it pissed me off?? like he told me immediately after the battle of the island that it was dick's last time in combat, before even sink promoting him and i was like ??? im sorry??? so yeah, 0 out of fucking 10 harry (not welsh, my beloved) 😠

aaaanyways my love for the show definitely lasted longer than my love for him, let's just say that 😅

12. which aspect of the show shocked you the most when you found out it wasn’t true?

okay okay so i feel like blithe is the easy answer, but honestly....

the fucking betrayal i felt when i found out that speirs' tertius (terseus?) bit just...doesnt make any fucking sense

i think i was trying to research it for my immortal soldier!alton more story (cause, uh, fun fact - speirs is definitely also an immortal soldier in that au) and i wanted to get the exact time period that tertius was alive right for some plotting

turns out, tertius DOESNT FUCKING EXIST

not only that, but like, little of that whole speech makes sense - for example, mentioning "carthaginian prisoners" implies one of the punic wars, but centurions weren't a thing until?? like 50 years after the end of the last punic war?? so he's just?? making shit up???

anyways it absolutely broke me cause i was so in love with the idea of speirs just being this big history nerd and classics fan and it turns out he's just that finance bro in the back of the lecture who says things so confidently everyone automatically believes them, even if they're just talking out of their ass 😭😭

although it cemented the fact that speirs would definitely have been a lax bro, tell me im wrong

13. have you read any of the books the real life people wrote about their time in easy company? if so, which ones?

hahahahahahaha okay so ive kinda been the worst about it cause like, i own three of them and have pretty much read the first two chapters of each 🙃🙃

i know i know okay but i am SO BAD at just!! sitting down and reading a book!!! it's on my list i promise

but yeah i have: biggest brother, malarkey's book, and bill & babe's book. the bill & babe book has been my favorite so far, i've read the most of it and i LOVE their different perspectives and sense of personality through it!! so much!!

(bonus fun fact: i got the bill & babe book while visiting some friends over the holidays. we went into a bookstore and i didn't think i'd get anything, buuuuut i figured i'd take a look around anyways. i'd been looking for a copy of bill & babe's book, and hadn't found one at my fav bookstore back home. well, just in case, i found myself looking at the ww2 history section....and there it was. one, single, last copy of brothers in battle, best of friends.

but that's not the most amazing thing. do you know where i was at the time?

the bookstore was in philadelphia. south philly, to be precise. on 17th street.

if that's not meant to be, idk what is!!)

ANYWAYS MY DEAR i am sure you didnt expect me to ramble this much, but here we are 😅 look, i am nothing if not a wordy bitch✨

thank you SO much for stopping by, and zim zam! 🔥🫡

from this bob ask game

[rightchoicefertility]

IVF Cost in Siliguri

In recent years, In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) has emerged as a beacon of hope for couples struggling with infertility in Siliguri. However, the cost of IVF treatment can be a significant consideration for prospective parents, with various factors influencing the overall expenses. This comprehensive guide aims to delve into the intricacies of IVF cost in Siliguri, exploring the factors affecting pricing, average costs, and considerations for prospective parents embarking on their fertility journey.

Understanding IVF: IVF is a reproductive technology that involves fertilizing an egg with sperm outside the body, in vitro, to create an embryo. The embryo is then transferred to the uterus to establish a pregnancy. IVF may be recommended for couples facing infertility due to various factors, including blocked fallopian tubes, male factor infertility, or unexplained infertility.

Factors Influencing IVF Cost in Siliguri: 1. Clinic Reputation: The reputation and success rates of the IVF clinic can significantly impact the cost of treatment. Clinics with higher success rates may charge higher fees for their services.

2. Treatment Protocol: The complexity of the IVF treatment protocol, including the need for additional procedures such as Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) or Preimplantation Genetic Testing (PGT), can influence the overall cost of IVF.

3. Medications: Fertility medications used during the IVF cycle, such as ovarian stimulation drugs, trigger shots, and hormone supplements, contribute to the total cost of treatment.

4. Laboratory Procedures: Various laboratory procedures, including egg retrieval, sperm preparation, embryo culture, and embryo transfer, incur additional expenses.

5. Additional Services: Additional services offered by the IVF clinic, such as embryo freezing, embryo biopsy for genetic testing, and assisted hatching, may increase the overall cost of treatment.

Average IVF Cost in Siliguri: The average cost of a single IVF cycle in Siliguri can range from INR 80,000 to INR 200,000 or more, depending on the factors mentioned above. However, it is essential to note that the total cost may vary based on individual circumstances and treatment protocols.

Considerations for Prospective Parents: 1. Financial Planning: Prospective parents should carefully assess their financial resources and explore financing options to cover the cost of IVF treatment. Some clinics offer payment plans or financing options to help ease the financial burden.

2. Clinic Selection: Researching and selecting a reputable IVF clinic with experienced fertility specialists and a track record of success is crucial for achieving positive outcomes.

3. Insurance Coverage: Some insurance plans may offer partial coverage for IVF treatment, while others may not cover it at all. Prospective parents should review their insurance policies and explore coverage options before starting treatment.

4. Emotional Support: The IVF journey can be emotionally challenging for couples, with highs and lows throughout the treatment process. Seeking emotional support from counselors, support groups, or mental health professionals can help couples navigate the emotional aspects of infertility treatment.

Conclusion: IVF treatment offers hope to couples struggling with infertility in IVF Cost in Siliguri, providing a pathway to parenthood for many. While the cost of IVF treatment can be a significant consideration, prospective parents should approach the process with careful planning, research, and support. By understanding the factors influencing IVF cost, exploring financing options, and selecting a reputable clinic, prospective parents can embark on their fertility journey with confidence and optimism.

[aprayerforclarity]

9/26

Soup meat... That term has been on my mind for several days... A rotten soap meat to keep my grandma away... I feel like I'm tired of dissexing everything and now I just want to embrace the mystic, or what I would previous call "being ADHD" or "mentally-ill".

Of course I've been aware of morning pages, just letting my mind roam free to write down whatever comes to the forefront of my conciousness. But it's so crazy to me how random and urgently these things comes to me. "Soup meat" has been a reoccurring idea in my mind since this past Sunday. Our group of close friends had a soup potluck party and listened to scary stories. I guess that's where this soup thing is coming from. I really don't know why. But anyways, now I'm going to up the floodgates and just free assosciate. I'm now going to let whatever comes to my mind be written down:

Soup-may be hornidasser. Mendway be a furmone. En tient et talliwhoagus mini mimen me mo mo.

I don't know, know everything is seeming really forced. Sorry to anyone else who happens to stumble upon this.

Another thing that is tugging a bit at my mind today is the suicide of a guy I know from the gym. To be honest, I did usually get a weird vibe from the guy, but not in a mentally ill way. He always seemed to be scheming with other guys in the locker room, usually talking about money jobs and getting "compensated for advanced work." He just always seemed like a finance bro, disguised as a long-haired mountain man from Denver. He was always trying to host these meet-ups to talk about coding and coffee. I went to one of them, but it really did seem like a scam... He was talking about how he wanted to build a tech conference in Harrisonburg and basically made it seem like we were all getting in on the ground floor. It really was that kind of vibe, some arbitrary goldmine that he had the brilliant idea to tap into. I remember something that really turned me off was when he said something to the effect of, "I have big aspirations for myself and anyone else in my orbit."

I got this image in my head of Dave thinking of myself as some goliath. Of course, I've learned that you really do need to believe in yourself, have pride and confidence that you are destined for great things if that's what you want to do. But the part about people being in orbit around him: to me, that really told me a lot about how he sees himself and the people around me. Foreign bodies, rotating in the gravitorial wake of the main attraction.

Anyways, yesterday one of the young men Dave was sinking his teeth into saw me in the locker room and beckoned me over. In a hushed tone and his thick, Salvadorean accent, he told me that Dave had shot himself in the head about two weeks ago. Obviously I was very blindsided and thought that was crazy. What I appreciate about the young man, Alex, was that he told me that if I was ever in an unhealthy place, one of suicide or just depression, that I should never hesitate to reach out and talk to him. Of course I reciprocated the response, but I thought, even though I can speak passing Spanish, I've never offered true support to someone else in my non-native language like he did.

I've been trying to look up what happened to Dave, but there's no mentions of the incident anywhere online. All I could find were his crazy videos online of him reading the bible, or videos of his clearly bored children being taught how to code in Ruby.

Very crazy stuff. I scrolled through his Github, LinkedIn and Youtube channel before I had to turn away. It was both disturbing and enthralling. I feel horrible for his wife and children.

It really does just go to show that you never really know what someone is going through. Going to the gym and taking care of your body and just a piece of overall health, and that mental health and making your life decisions as carefully as you can are vital to your survival and wellbeing. Alex said it was something that had to do with his family life, and I don't know the details, but suicide should never be the answer. It is the only answer to someone who is mentally ill, convinced that darkness is the only path ahead.

[sgt-seabass]

𝒎𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓

During the Hydra takeover, the Winter Soldier becomes infatuated with a girl who makes him feel whole.

pairings — winter soldier x reader w/c — 4,2k This is an explicit fic. 18+ only.

warnings: hydra wins au, 18+ smut (sex, male and female orgasms), mentions of violence during Hydra takeover (non-graphic descriptions). a/n: set in the universe where Hydra wins. fic inspired by Monster by EXO and the emotions it gives me.

The day that Hydra won, everything changed.

It was a swift takeover, political sites all over the world taken ambush by the overpowered Hydra forces. The world seemed to freeze, teetering on the edge of panic.

However, everyone’s attention turned to the Avengers. Surely, they would stop the world from being taken over?

But as it turned out, they weren’t the world’s heroes that day. Hydra threatened the assassination of millions of political figures and innocents if the Avenger’s didn’t hand themselves in.

Instead, they vanished. No one knew where they went, but as the shots rang out in each parliament house, the world lost their faith in the fallen mantle that was the Avengers.

The overtaking of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters was the most symbolic, and held by far the most casualties, thousands being killed within twenty-four hours of Hydra’s reign.

In the scheme of the situation, you were small fry. A meek girl who had been hired as a gardener for S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. Like most overpriced, ugly modern buildings, S.H.I.E.L.D. had invested a significant amount of money into adding lush greenery to help aid a less monotonous aesthetic and help with the ‘mental health’ of employees.

Whatever their reasoning didn’t matter to you, all that mattered was keeping the spaces flourishing. Despite the size of the headquarters, there were only three significant garden areas, all situated near the different cafeterias the building held.

You’d often spend your time outside, tending delicately to the foliage that thrived under your gentle touch. It was your pride and joy, watching the way the flowers blossomed and plants bloomed from just small buds. Your life was otherwise dull, but it was enough to live to see something grow under your care.

On the fateful day, you were standing in the garden of tenth floor cafeteria, when shots rang out and the screaming started.

You weren’t an agent. You didn’t even like watching action movies. So, when green and black clad armed forces sporting the tentacled insignia stormed into the cafeteria, you froze. In the warm breeze your light blue modest summery dress swayed, and it would have been a cool and calming atmosphere if you could hear anything over the shrieks of people inside. You looked to the balcony, but you weren’t stupid enough to think you could survive a ten-floor drop.

A Hydra agent gripped you by the forearm, dragging you inside as you almost tripped over in your kitten heels, your watering can and fertilizer cast aside as you were forced to your knees with the other forty people in the room. You cursed yourself for not dressing more appropriately, but it was a Friday in the middle of summer, and you were meant to be going out for dinner with your only friend, Alice, who worked on the thirteenth floor in finance. You couldn’t help but wonder if she was in the same situation as you. If she was even alive.

The Hydra soldiers watched over the cafeteria, guns held readied, as if they were begging for someone to so much as step out of line. And two poor souls did. Two young women, sobbing uncontrollably, tried to make a run for it. Within seconds they were shot down, bodies slumping to the floor with a sickening thud. Your body was in a state of shock, mouth agape as you couldn’t even conjure a scream.

Everyone in the room stayed silent and compliant after witnessing the deaths, the only sound being the rustling of tactical gear from a Hydra agent or an escaping sob from a hostage.

It felt like you had been sitting on your knees for hours, your joints stiff and sore. Right as you went to shuffle more people entered the room and based off the way all the Hydra agents stood to attention you assumed these people held some importance.

In front of the group stood two men. One in a polished suit that was probably worth more money than you would ever earn, his weathered features glowing with pride as he looked over each of you. You recognized him as Alexander Pierce, a fierce political figure, an obviously corrupt fierce political figure.

You gasped softly at the sight of the man next to him. The Winter Soldier. He was clad in leather and kevlar, every single holster filled with an array of weaponry. He was absolutely dripping with malice, and the black mask that covered the lower half of his face made him all the more intimidating.

“Well, Soldat. Any worthwhile keepers?”

The masked man ran a critical eye across the crowd, assessing each individual with clinical precision. He pointed out a male and female agent who seemed fit enough for Hydra’s standards, and they were swiftly given two options by Pierce.

Join Hydra or die.

The female pledged allegiance, while the male chose death.

Another bloodied body was added to the now growing pile at the side of the room.

As the Soldier ran his analytical gaze through the crowd once more, he froze when he saw you. His heart started racing at the sight of you. You reminded him of his childhood crush from the ‘40’s, a time since lost. He’d lost sweet Mary, but you, you made him feel something he thought he’d never feel again. When your eyes met, he felt at home. It made him want to do nothing more than indulge himself in you, engrave himself into your body and soul so all you could think was him.

The Soldier leaned closer to Pierce, whispering something unintelligible into his ear as he kept his stare on you. You felt a cold sweat starting to dampen your skin at the leering look the masked man was giving you.

You didn’t see the way Pierce started smirking, lost in the emotion bubbling within you, your urge to engage in fight or flight rising with each passing moment.

Within a second, two Hydra agents were upon you, one gipping each arm as you were dragged forward.

Your instincts were a raging wildfire now, and your body gave out your physiological reaction, which to your surprise and the surprise of the guards holding you, you froze.

They’d expected you to kick and scream and fight, even try and run. But your body went taut at the threat, heart rate slowing as your body became immobile, feet dragging. The stunned guards stopped, and the moment they halted you couldn’t keep standing as your knees buckled beneath you.

Despite your body being motionlessness, your vision was clear. You stared in terror at the masked man, unsure of what he wanted with you.

You wanted to go home to your small apartment, sit in your cushioned window nook and read the night away. You wanted to crawl into the plush comfort of your bed and pretend the outside world didn’t exist.

You’d been so detached from the moment, when you blinked the masked man was much closer now, on one knee in front of you as he gripped your chin with his large, calloused hands. Confusion spread through you as your heart fluttered at the touch.

“Oh my little kotenok, you’re so sweet.” When he spoke, the deep rumble of his voice sent tingles coursing through you. His words were muffled by the mask, but his tone almost sounded affectionate and there was a slight twinkle to his eye. It stood out against his hard, ominous exterior. There was an undeniable connection, one that you didn’t understand, as if you were long lost soulmates.

A small whimper left your lips as he shooed the guards away, instead opting to bundle you against his chest and lift you. You were still frigid and numb, but amongst it all, the mixture of leather and a musky woodsy scent of the Soldier wafted through your nostrils. And oddly, it calmed you. His steady heartbeat gave you a rhythm to follow, and so you started counting it. And before you could help yourself, your body gave way and passed out in his arms, just in time to miss the firing of bullets and screams as the hostages left in the room were slaughtered.

  The Soldier didn’t let you go the entire ride back to base. He sat in the back seat of his ride with you in his arms, snapping at the driver when he so much as looked in your direction. The streets were chaos, but his heavily armored vehicle kept his precious cargo safe.

By the time they reached the Hydra base on the outskirts of the city, hidden underground, the Soldier knew everything there was to know about you from his intelligence holdings. You were around the same age as he was when he was first captured by Hydra, you lived by yourself and had no immediate family, and the only friend you did have had been eliminated in the takeover. You were a quiet hard worker, who was often sighted reading in the garden areas when you were on break. A true sweetheart.

As the vehicle pulled into the base the Soldier looked at security camera footage of you from the morning. You were sitting in the sun, basking in its warmth as the wind lightly tousled your hair. The sight was breathtaking. And the Soldier knew you were exactly who he’d been looking for to have at his side. His own little petalled paradise.

The Soldier carried you to his quarters, which was essentially a penthouse underground, and placed you upon the plush king size bed. He moved to the modern and spacious living room to wait for you to wake. As he read through different intelligence reports, making different tactical plans, he realised that his space was incredibly sterile. There was no life, no plants. Just an impersonal space filled with greys and whites. He made a mental note to move to a better space once the takeover had been completed. You were changing him already.

It wasn’t long before you woke, your body confused at the lushness beneath you. As you opened your eyes the first thing you noticed the grey bedsheets that were far too comfortable. Although as you remembered what had happened you shot up, stumbling out of the bed and looking yourself over.

You were still fully clothed, even your heels untouched. There were no marks, no injuries. Calming a little you took in the room around you. It felt like a cell, a fancy cell. While you could tell the furnishings were expensive there was no sentimentality to any of it. Wringing your hands, unsure of what to do, you took small steps to peak your head outside the bedroom door.

From your vantage point you could see the back of the Soldiers head. You took a deep breath and started to approach, looking for an escape route as you did. But there was really nowhere to go. And an odd part of you knew there was nothing to go back to anyway. Your job was undoubtedly gone, and that was the only thing that had given you any real joy. You’d immersed yourself in it to distract from the loneliness that pitted in your heart. And now that was taken away, you didn’t have anything to run to.

Hearing your approach, the Soldier looked over his shoulder, his face stern but eyes giving away fondness. You stopped a few steps away from the couch, gasping at the sight of him. The mask was discarded onto the couch next to him, giving you full view of his face.

As if a moth drawn to a flame, you could help but awe at him. He was undeniably beautiful. His messy hair framed his face, his chin and jaw scruffy with facial hair that was previously hidden behind the black plastic of the mask. You imagined him smiling, his nose scrunching in delight as the corners of his eyes crinkled, his pearly whites flashing and breaking his cold exterior.

Anxiety overtook you as you saw the metal arm, red star blaring a scorching reminder of who you stood before. He’s a killer. The Winter Soldier. You’d heard stories of his conquests. Expert assassinations where his victims didn’t even stand a chance. You mentally kicked yourself for admiring the man and downcast your eyes as you gripped your arms, shifting weight from one foot to the other nervously. “Are you going to kill me?”

The Soldier’s brows furrowed at the question, seemingly trying to find the right words for his answer. The couch creaked as he stood and approached you, his form easily towering over yours. He ran his flesh hand down from your temple, leaving it to rest cupped against your cheek. It was an undeniably soft gesture.

“No, pet. If you let me, I’ll give you everything. We will rule together.” For a moment his robotic voice had a slight Brooklyn tone to it, and it caught you off guard.

We will rule together. Your eyes fluttered, mind going blank.

You’d expected him to kill you or give you some sort of cruel ultimatum, like those S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. But he was offering this to you. Asking you to join him.

“But— You’re a monster. A killer.”

He gave a deep, dark chuckle, tilting your head up so his face was inches from yours.

“You don’t seem very scared for someone standing before a monster.”

He was right. Despite everything, there was an odd contentedness that had settled within you. It was unexplainable how he’d so easily captured your heart, twisting it in his grasp so he held your every whim. The danger signals that had previously been ringing in your head had been quelled, and all you could think about was the scent of him, the way you wanted to run your fingers through his hair. Tend to him like a forbidden garden.

You were both wilted, run down from life. But together, you could grow and blossom in the new world set by Hydra.

“I’m scared… By how much I want to say yes,” you admitted honestly, voice rasping as tears threatened to fall.

As wetness trickled down your cheek, he brushed it away with the pads of his fingers.

“Submit to me, kotenok.”

He said simply as you into his eyes, your body subconsciously relaxing at his command. You were hypnotized by him, and when he closed the distance to press his lips to yours, a fire ignited in you like never before.

Everything felt right, like the final puzzle piece being put in place.

This was where you were meant to be.

Your body went lax against him as he picked you up, wrapping your legs around his waist and arms around his neck. He broke the kiss for a moment to nip at your lips, a possessive growl passing through him before he clashed your lips back together.

In a moment of boldness, you cheekily ran bit his bottom lip and rolled your hips, enjoying the sounds it elicited from the Soldier. You’d never felt like this - felt the licking flames that were fueling you.

Smirking against your lips the Soldier pressed your back up against the nearest wall, allowing your hips to grind together, your already growing wetness threatening to leak through your thin cotton panties at the feeling of his clothed erection.

The Soldier paused, your lips barely touching as he ground his hips against you again, the movement rubbing your clit. You mewled headily as your head tilted back to rest against the wall, giving him access to suck the skin at the crook of your neck. His hands gripped at the bottom of your dress, hiking it up and pulling it over your head so that he could tear away your underwear and lacy bra with ease.

Normally you would feel self-conscious being bare in front of someone, but with the Soldier and the way he left hickeys along your neck you felt a sense of endearment and security.

“Are you ready for me, kotenok?” He teased uncharacteristically, continuing to move his hips against your wet core as his fingers plucked your sensitive nipples.

As he started to roll your nubs between his fingers, the pleasure rippling through you started to stoke the fire pooling in your abdomen.

“Yes, please, please,” you begged desperately, pussy clenching around nothing as he continued to toy with your tits.

The Soldier complied, removing his hands from you to undo the buckles on his pants, movements quick as it was clear he was as sinfully hungry as you were.

You felt his hard cock prod at your entrance, and for a moment the Soldier stilled, looking at you for permission, making sure this was what you wanted.

You felt yourself falling deeper down the rabbit hole that was the complexities of the Soldier as you nodded your head to him, letting out small breathy pants in anticipation.

One hand on his length and one hand gripping your hip, he began to slowly sink you down on his girth. The stretch was painful despite your flowing juices, and your back arched against the wall as you whined. You gripped against his leather clad chest as you made it all the way to the hilt.

As he slowly began to thrust in and out of you, you made a strangled noise, cheeks flushing as the pain quickly turned to pleasure. The Soldier used his metal hand on your hip to keep you steady as he returned to his ministrations on your nipples with his right hand.

He husked out deep moans that matched your keens as he set a steady rhythm, your hips slapping together. The fire pooling in your abdomen became a searing heat as you felt your orgasm quickly approaching. It was when the Soldier shifted positions so that his member was stroking your g-spot with each thrust that you let out a particularly high moan, body shuddering as your brain went to static, the only thing registering being the carnal pleasure surging through your body and gushing against him.

The Soldier felt your pussy clench around him as you came, the feeling causing him to groan wantonly as he started slamming his hips against you, the steady rhythm lost as he became overwhelmed with the need to fuck you hard.

He pulled you down against his slamming hips, your body drowning in pleasure as his own orgasm approached. With a final groan the Soldier’s frantic thrusts stilled deep in you, his cock pulsing as his cum painted your slick walls.

He rested his head in your neck, hair damp with sweat as he panted. He’d never felt such pure bliss, even before he was given the mantle of the Winter Soldier, when he actually had a chance at a love like this.

You both stayed like that for a moment, gasping for breath as your hearts beat wildly, yet still syncronised with each other, as if you’d melded together to become one.

Time seemed to fly by as the Soldier moved you to the master bedroom’s ensuite, sitting you down in the marble bath before washing you with a gentleness you didn’t expect from the killer. He put you in bed before he went to clean himself. When he returned and climbed into bed with you, there were so many unsaid words hovering between you, but as you moved to snuggle against his broad chest and his hands softly ran through your hair, it seemed that the words weren’t needed.

     6 months later

The Soldier was a man of few words, but his actions spoke louder than any words anyway. And he took every chance he got to show you how much you meant to him. Within weeks of the Hydra takeover, he had moved to a penthouse apartment of one of the most affluent buildings in New York. You knew of the killings, but you were mostly sheltered from the outside world and the pain it would cause you.

The Penthouse was beautiful. Unlike the basement, the space was bright and lively, and the Soldier had a greenhouse set up on the balcony for you to spend as much time as you’d like in. He filled the study with your favourite novels, set up the cosiest of nooks around the home and allowed you to get anything you wanted for the apartment. You filled the home with greenery that made it feel like a peaceful abode.

The Soldier would often be gone for lengths of time and when he’d return, you’d tend to him like your plants - with care and delicate touches that caused the smallest of smiles to dance across his lips. If there was one thing he cared more about than Hydra, it was keeping you happy.

So, when he sat you down on the pale blue couch one afternoon after he had returned beaten and bloody you were worried, leg shaking anxiously as you awaited his words.

“Pet, we captured Black Widow last night. She knows the location of Captain America. She cares too much for the world, and she needs an incentive, one only you can provide.”

Your eyes widened. He’d never involved you in his dealings before. But you were quick to nod your head. He’d done so much for you, you could return the favour.

“Whatever you need, I’ll do it.”

 Within hours the Soldier had taken you back to the Hydra base you had first visited, escorting you to one of the holding cells. The cement was cold and desolate under your bare feet as you padded to the middle of the room where a wooden chair was waiting. Despite knowing the ploy, you couldn’t help but gulp as you sat in the chair and the Soldier secured your arms and legs down with leather straps. Some of your anxieties dissipated as he pressed a chaste kiss to your lips, but you knew for his plan to work that would be the only tenderness you’d get until the scheme was finished.

The Soldier unsheathed a hunting knife from his thigh holster and twirled it around in his fingers as he waited, not glancing at you as he put himself in the mindset of the Winter Soldier. You hung your head as footsteps approached and willed yourself to start shedding tears like you’d planned. Tears started to drop against your thighs as Natasha Romanoff was dragged into the room, arms bound behind her back. She was very obviously wounded, previous interrogation tactics unsuccessful.

She was thrown at your feet and your eyes met. Her eyes widened in shock at the sight of you before she quickly looked back to the Soldier.

“What are you doing?” She demanded, the fearsome Black Widow doing her best to come across intimidating.

The Soldier remained unfazed, still twirling the knife as he considered her. “Natalia. Tell me where the Captain is hiding.”

Natasha scoffed, shaking her head. But her attitude quickly vanished as the Soldier stalked behind you, gripping your hair and tilting your head back before placing the blade against the thin skin of your throat. You whimpered at the feeling of him pulling your hair, not out of fear but arousal. But to anyone else in the room it would have taken it as a sign of panic.

“Don’t— You wouldn’t—”

“Tell me, or she will die, Natalia. I know you have a heart.” For emphasis the Soldier added the slightest amount of pressure to the blade, allowing for a small cut against your neck as blood began to pool.

The stress passing through Natasha was evident.

She couldn’t give up Captain America’s location. She knew Hydra would capture him the first chance they got. But at the same time, the way her heart was shattering at the sight of you, she knew she couldn’t watch you die either. She couldn’t live with the life of an innocent directly on her hands, her ledger already had far too much dripping red. And the Soldier knew that.

As the Soldier raised a brow at Natasha her breathing quickened.

“Fuck. Fuck. Shit! Alright, alright. Just don’t hurt her.”

A satisfied smirk spread across his lips as Natasha gave away the coordinates of the Captian’s hideout. The Avengers. So easy to play when they want to be a protector.

The Soldier removed the knife from your neck and wiped away small amount of blood, the blood already clotting. “Good, kotenok. You did so well,” he cooed, undoing the restraints and rubbing your wrists to make sure the blood flowed back through them.

Natasha watched in shock as you stood up and pressed a kiss to the Soldiers padded shoulder. He placed a kiss to your forehead in return as he ran a hand down your back.

The Black Widow had been trained in keeping a cool head during missions, but Natasha couldn’t help the anguished cry she let out at the revelation that she had given Hydra the location of Captain America for nothing.

You both didn’t look back at her as you left, leaving her to be dealt with by other Hydra agents. The Soldier had promised that he would let you teach him how properly tend to a rose if you’d done a good job, and based of his praises, you had.

The Winter Soldier was a monster. But he was your monster, and you were his.

[barelysanereviews]

2022 Midyear Faves

Shaniqua

To say that 2022 has been tough on me is an understatement. It felt like a putting out a series of wildfires, each one springing to life immediately after the last one died, wreaking havoc on my health (physical and mental), self-esteem, relationships, and finances in turn. But in the middle of that mess, I managed to find some shining lights in the darkness to keep me, as we like to say, barely sane.

(Side note: I recently went through our archives on a whim, and can you believe BSR started in May 2014??? What a ride it has been.)

Music:

We've already revealed ourselves to be kpop fans, so there's no point hiding it now. Unfortunately, kpop was one of the major natural disasters in my life this year as my favorite group disbanded around my birthday. Maybe I'll finally post my kpop journey on here as a tribute to them, but in the meantime, here are the songs I've clung onto to fill the void.

fromis_9 - DM

I've managed to chop up this song into bits that basically narrate my life, from the opening soliloquy "Hey you, 지금 뭐해?", to the very cathartic "Doesn't matter~~~!" every chorus, to the release of energy in that whistle note towards the end. It's just an oddly comforting bop that I keep coming back to, and I'm happy to say that I fell in love with the girls' discography in the process. Stream Stay This Way!

(G)I-DLE - Tomboy

I've followed Soyeon since Produce 101 (the curse/blessing that got me into kpop) and have stanned (G)I-DLE since their debut. I gotta say - Tomboy is a masterpiece. The way they came back with a shot heard around the world after losing a member and a year of solo activities is the cheffiest kiss. (6)I-DLE forever.

Honorable Mentions: VIVIZ - Loveade; Le Sserafim - Fearless; Taeyeon - INVU; and of course, NU'EST - Again

Film:

Love and Leashes (2022)

Though I watched last year's Let Me Be Your Knight for my bias, my favorite discovery of 2021 was Lee Junyoung. His character Taein was so endearing and charming, but a bit too similar to his previous roles. When I heard he was going to star alongside SNSD's Seohyun in a movie about BDSM, I had no idea what to expect. What I got instead was a weirdly sweet and loving film about two people learning to trust each other as they navigate their own preferences and desires. So excited for what he's going to do next, with or without barking.

Honorable Mentions: Turning Red, Minari

TV:

Do we still call it TV if we don't watch it on a TV?

Strangers From Hell

I actually watched more kdramas this year than I usually do to fill the void that Nu'est left behind, so I got to watch some of the more popular ones as they aired. But what can I say, I'll always be a sucker for a good dark kdrama. This one features one of my faves, Im Siwan, as he slowly goes insane from living in a rundown goshiwon whose inhabitants may or may not be murderers.

Pretty Proofreader

One thing I love about jdramas is that they can make anything - from an underrated sport to an overlooked profession - sound rewarding and exciting, and this charming little story about a wannabe fashion editor who gets assigned to the proofreading department of her favorite magazine is no different. As a fellow optimist, I felt so represented by Etsuko. Satomi Ishihara's extra outfits paired with her uplifting smile got me through Covid.

Honorable Mentions: My Liberation Notes, A Business Proposal, Spy x Family, Alchemy of Souls (ongoing)

Colleen

I watched a lot of TV shows the first half of the year because ya girl was unemployed for a while. Here are my top 5 picks and some honorable mentions.

TV:

Our Beloved Summer

I don't know why, but I got so obsessed with this show. Choi Woo Shik and Kim Da Mi had so much chemistry, and their characters just drew me in. The show is about two high school students--the top student (Yeon Su, played by Da Mi) and the bottom-ranking student (Ung, played by Woo Shik)--who are put together for a documentary. After getting to know each other while shooting the documentary, they fall in love and date for years. They eventually break up but are forced to reunite to do a sequel to the documentary, this time documenting their lives as adults. There was just something about the way the story was written, how well Woo Shik and Da Mi played the characters, and the summer vibe and visuals of the show. It just sucked me in. I rewatched scenes a million times and even did an ugly drawing inspired by a scene in the show. I look forward to seeing these two work together again.

My Liberation Notes

I love a kdrama that follows a group of characters and really digs deep into each one. You would think that the romance in this would be highlighted more than the character arcs (because kdrama), but the show balanced the romance and the characters' growth really well. There were several moments in this show where I saw myself in the characters and it also made bold story choices. I knew this would be good because the show's writer, Park Hae Young, also wrote My Mister which I also really liked.

Film:

Moonlit Winter

I found out about this film on IG, where I saw that Kim So Hye (of Produce 101 fame) starred in a film a few years back. I liked the aesthetics of this film, the slow pace, the quiet affection between the characters. It had the same vibe as Little Forest, and it also had that mother-daughter journey from miscommunication to friendship. The mother's story is heartbreaking and is not often told, and I liked how the film subtly subverted narrative tropes and let her story of yearning overflow.

Strawberry Shortcakes

This one's a rewatch. I saw it years ago, and although I forgot about the title and most of the story, I found it interesting how I still remembered a few parts of it even years after. I decided to rewatch it this year to refresh my memory and see why the film stuck with me. Strawberry Shortcakes shows the inner lives of four Japanese women: a sex worker who sleeps in a coffin and has a singular obsession with a man she knows from high school; a stone-worshipping assistant whose innocence sticks out in a workplace that sells sex; a sleep-deprived, solitary artist struggling to succeed in a money-driven industry; and an office worker who's looking for love. It's rare to see a story that revolves around a group of women who live complex lives, and the film also makes notable choices in cinematography.

Book

The Soulmate Equation

Romance novels are perfect for me right now: not too deep, but enough to make me feel things and escape life. This one is really cute and has an interesting premise: Jess, a single mom and statistics expert, gets matched with River Peña, the cold-hearted creator of a dating app called GeneticAlly, which matches people based on their DNA compatibility. If you're looking for a lighthearted romance read, check this out.

[thedeviljudges]

Do you think Yohan always planned to fake his death and join Elijah in Switzerland, or did he originally intend to really die with the rest of the 'villains'? Part of me thinks that would fit with his pre-Gaon conception of himself, as a monster, not deserving of love, not necessarily seeing a role for himself in Elijah's life beyond getting revenge for her/Isaac, and financing an opportunity to help her recovery. Or do you think regardless of that, he'd still never plan to leave her on her own?

i didn't mean to put off this ask for so long. i was busy, but i also wanted to wrap my thoughts around this before i tried answering. not bc i didn't have an answer to begin with but yohan and death is a subject i'd like to approach, but i'm not entirely sure how i'd like to make the analysis of it, and i'm not sure i ever will.

so that leaves me to answer it here in the best way i can because point blank: i do believe yohan intended to die by the end. i do think he had two plans in place since the beginning (dying or not dying and helping elijah), but of course, until that final moment, he wasn't ever going to know the truth. that end scene of him blowing up the court was a 50/50 shot. he had a plan to make it out, but it wasn't a guarantee.

but lets also back up a bit because before we get to that point, i think it's necessary to point out that the reason yohan gets away and does all of the shit that he does is because he knows that he might not make it out alive. it's why he's reckless. it's why he bends the law the way that he does. yohan's actions prove, over and over again, that he does not care for himself. he does not care to live except to protect elijah. there are so many small moments of this. we call yohan unhinged out of fun, but i think there is truth in it because i've mentioned this casually before (and part of my words above in terms of not necessarily knowing how to approach this just yet) is that yohan is almost...... suicidal himself.

he's reckless. he's said that he does not care about the actual law. his goal has always been getting revenge for his brother, especially for his niece who grew up without her parents. yohan never truly cared about the bigger picture until gaon came along. if we leave out gaon and think of the plot as such, yohan would've been able to prevail much quicker, i'd say. he had a plan and was going to follow through with it no matter what, regardless of the ending. and he knew going into it that there was a chance he wouldn't make it out alive.

which is why i think he partially also allowed elijah to blame him for her parent's death because if she hates him, it will be so much easier for her to forget him. she won't mourn him or miss him. she will be able to move on with her life and live it any which way she wants. but because yohan doesn't really understand kids, let alone elijah, what he fails to realize is that elijah doesn't actually hate her uncle. she's looking to get rid of all of the pent up hurt and frustration bc she never had an outlet to let all of that out. yohan fails to see that elijah cares for him and would miss him, to a degree, if he died.

so now, if we think of the plot with gaon, it twists everything on its head bc gaon has no need to be there within yohan's plans. yohan doesn't need gaon to do anything bc everything was already planned from the beginning. if anything, gaon came in and crashed some things, leaving yohan to pick up those pieces and continue pushing forward. biggest case in point, gaon's stubbornness and his arguments against yohan with the law and what he's doing.

see, gaon eventually comes to realize yohan's reasonings for doing what he's doing for his brother, but i feel like gaon thinks that even if that is part of yohan's plan involves revenge, how much does he think yohan is also doing this for the greater good and wanting to fix society? we know that yohan has no intention of that, but does gaon? and so no wonder gaon protests because if he thinks yohan is trying to fix a broken system (plus get revenge all in the same plot), no wonder gaon continues fighting yohan - he's under the belief that yohan is trying to make things better. but he's NOT.

which circles back to the idea that yohan had every intention of either making it out alive or dying. gaon opened his eyes that yes, maybe things could possibly be good. gaon made yohan question a lot of things along the way, especially his own humanness and realizing that he is worth something and not the monster he let himself believe he was, and what others told him he was. that wasn't part of the plan either, which is why it made it so much harder for yohan to go through with bombing the court because yohan's at a conflicting place of finally understanding gaon's hope but knowing that he only ever had revenge as an intent.

yohan's plan is derailed a bit by gaon being hope and introducing concepts yohan has lived without for so long. before then, yohan lived isolated with one clear goal in mind until gaon showed him he had a reason to live. i also said in another post that while gaon stopped yohan because he didn't want to see yohan going down a path he couldn't come back from, it was already too late at that point. yohan had already set his path long before gaon came into the picture and nothing he said or done would've changed that. but it DID given yohan more perspective and more heart, possibly being at peace even more so with dying knowing elijah would have gaon.

but instances within the show - of course, his two fake deaths. him steering gaon and himself off the road on the middle of the highway. him chasing after the minister's son. yohan asking soohyun to save gaon despite him literally bleeding out.

yohan does not care for himself. he does not care whether he lives or dies, as long as his plan is completed. we can talk til we're blue in the face about how yohan was wrong manipulating the law like he did and various other things, but the reason why? is because he did not care. and it wasn't because of him being a sociopath by any means. it was because he numbed his emotions, lied to himself, and used his love for his brother and elijah to propel him to a desired end with the possibility of his death involved. and quite frankly, that speaks volumes about who he is and just how much he actually cares, how much he actually has emotions.

yohan, to love his niece so much he decided to manipulate the law, to serve his own agenda and purposes for an outcome that wouldn't actually give them that much peace, but would at least position the country in a way they could grow and give elijah a life where she wouldn't have to grow up into that kind of destruction. this is why yohan "leaves" gaon behind and why gaon is the hope of the show because in going along with his plans, yohan realized that if gaon wasn't going to follow him through til the end, if he was going to do everything in his power to stop yohan, then the biggest apology yohan could give gaon was the world - the entire judicial system to make things right, to do better. that was yohan's gift to gaon and his apology because yohan had no intention of making it better. but maybe gaon could with him gone.

i've seen a few comments about how if yohan was someone in irl, we'd all steer clear of him, well, there's a lot of characters out there like that, but i wouldn't stay away from him for the reasons everyone typically lists (like the choking and manipulation) because they think he's that way just bc. yohan's actions mimic those of someone who simply doesn't care because they're depressed and not because they're psychotic. there is a DIFFERENCE. like yes, are some of his actions shitty? and his gaon right to mistrust the things he does sometimes, also yes.

but understand that there is a difference in people's behaviors depending on the underlying mental health issues involved. i don't fully believe yohan had any intent to hurt elijah or gaon maliciously. it's part of yohan being oblivious and not recognizing his own actions mixed with the entirety of his plans to be followed through til the very end. we've seen how oblivious yohan can be (the classroom bird story is a classic example; they all thought he was the devil when in reality, this kid only hurt the bird because it was scaring the girl he sat next to. logically, that mean eliminating the threat. he didn't purposefully kill the bird and enjoy it. it was a practical response within his own personal world).

i feel like i'm missing parts of this discussion, which is why i said this was a difficult topic for me to approach just to get all of my thoughts about it out there. and long story short to answer your question: i think yohan intended to die (just like he had a plan in case went to jail, for example). that possibility couldn't have been ruled out. but i think he had the plan to escape with elijah so that she could get better. either way, whatever happened happened, even if he died. elijah would be taken care of regardless.

gaon throws a wrench in his plans just a little bit, makes him realize his emotional capacities but gaon's not enough to stop yohan from seeing his plans out until the very end, even if that means losing gaon, too, because even if gaon has shown yohan that he is worthy of love and family and affection, it is not enough to forgive everything he's done, and he needs to make right what was wrong. yohan's death in that courtroom, if it had happened, wouldn't be the thing everyone needed to forgive him for his actions but it would be a start in eliminating himself as part of the problem.

another thing to keep in mind, is that we know yohan is not a sociopath, even if that's what everyone wanted us to believe. everyone thought he made sunah jump out the window, but what he was actually doing was protecting isaac and his mother's necklace. sunah made the choice all on her own, set up yohan and framed him despite yohan reaching out time and time again. isaac didn't even understand what had happened and focused on the fact that this girl jumped because of yohan without listening to the truth of it. yohan has always been shown to be fiercely loyal to the people he loves. he's never directly done anything bad (at least as a kid) unless he was provoked.

what people need to understand about yohan as a character is INTENTIONS. and i hope i'm making myself clear on this. everyone thinks he's born a devil, but that has never been the case. yohan's actions just come from a place from blind revenge. if he never needed to get revenge in the first place, if isaac was alive and well, would yohan make these same decisions? would he still be this kind of person who needed to use these methods to work around the law? i don't think so.

i think i remember getting an ask awhile back about whether yohan would eventually turn into who he is now had isaac lived because we see him livid and upset during that flashback to one of his earlier court cases (where we find he's ripping the paper with the pen) and whether or not isaac's death just fast forwarded the process. i don't feel like trying to go dig that post out, and i can't remember what i said on it either, but i feel yohan would have his family as a moral compass to keep him in line, and he wouldn't have succumbed to his present-day tactics. i think he could've worked his way up into the system and made real change. i think his heart could've been there all long, but again, was derailed by isaac's death and of course, plans changed.

this was a mouthful, and i hope what i'm saying makes sense because you can probably see what i mean about how difficult it is trying to organize my thoughts about this subject. but i am under the full belief that yohan had every intention of dying at the end or even before that. i think he's a depressed individual who learned to slowly open back up with gaon's help, but gaon is no doctor and no amount of his kindness would help someone that depressed either. it helped, certainly. but yohan saw himself as a monster/devil until the very end, and was more than willing to kill himself to make gaon and elijah's life so much easier. as penance. as justice. as love.

[elysiashelby]

In Another World - T. Shelby Imagine Ch. 12

Paring: (Eventual) Thomas Shelby x Aliena Welsh (OC) 

Fandom: Peaky Blinders 

Word Count: 10,468 

WARNINGS: Angst, Alcohol Consumption (borders abuse), Cursing, FIGHT SCENE (Detailed), Existential Crisis, Mentions of Blood & Bones Breaking

Summary: Aliena’s 18th birthday has arrived, but her mental health isn’t doing so well. She’s feeling more distant from the Shelby’s and in her role in their universe. Aliena has been partying a lot, drinking a lot of alcohol. How is that affecting her? 

MASTERLIST  CHAPTER 11  CHAPTER 13

A/N: This chapter has a fight scene. It’s mildly detailed, but be warned. Thomas does interact with Aliena in this chapter, however; it’s not a huge part of this chapter. Along with the previous chapter, this chapter centers on Aliena. Also, she’s still very depressed. BLACK LINE BREAK INDICATED START AND END OF FIGHT SCENE!!

Me nose was runny and tears slipped out of me eyes. Cassie was holding back me hair and rubbing me back as I vomited me guts out. I sniffed as I fell to me side. I got a hold of the handle and flushed the toilet.

“Tank you.” I said.

Cassie nodded with her squinted eyes and her lips pursed. “I got you, honey. I got you, Ali.” She was rubbing me arm now and didn’t let go of me hair. 

Slowly and not steadily, I stood up. Cassie followed me and didn’t let go of me hair. I turned on the faucet and rinsed me mouth of the taste. As I bent down to spit out the water, I felt a familiar tug on me hair. I raised me hand and tried to whack her grip away. She finally fuckin’ let go.

I gasped for air, looked to me side, and reached for me toothbrush.

Cassie cackled while walking over to the toilet. She put the lid down ‘n sat on it. “Not regretting leaving that here now, are you?”

I rolled me eyes as I brushed me teeth. “Nevah did, ya divvy.” I spat out the excess before going in and brushing me tongue as well. 

Anyway after all that, Cassie and I walked out. There was people asleep across the floor, on couches, on chair, ‘n even tables. Me hand flew to me mouth and I felt nauseous again.

“Cassie, we’re not fucking home!” I turned ‘round and clutched her forearm with a fury.

Cassie had the same flabbergasted look on her face.

“We fuckin’ fell asleep in the loo!” 

Cassie started gagging and I tsked as I stomped me foot.

“You brushed your teeth with somebody’s else’s toothbrush!” Cassie whispered-shouted.

I whimpered while stomping me feet. “I know I did.” I marched over to Angie and smacked her shoulder. “Angie, wake up! Wake up, we have to go!” I began shaking her.

She protested in her sleep, but eventually she couldn’t take it anymore and shot up.

“All right!” She yelled. “All right, I’m awake.” 

“Thank you.” I said with some snap in me tone. I looked over to Tina and luckily, Cassie saved me the trouble of waking her arse up. 

“Thank ya Jesus! Let’s fuckin’ go!” I shouted. Some people fucking whined in their sleep while others glared at me. I fucking glared back. The four of us stumbled our way ‘til the front of the house. 

“Wait!” Cassie shouted. 

I looked back at her and contorted me face in confusion.

She trailed off to the phone while saying, “I have to call Simmons .”

Collectively, we all groaned. 

I cradled me head and then let it drop limply. I must have stood there for .5 seconds before I huffed. “I’m waiting outside. Join me if you want!” So, I walked outside and sat down on the steps. 

It was fucking freezing! I really hafta to start bringing coats.

“Fuck, Ali! Aren’t you fucking freezing?” Angie asked me as she sat beside me.

I scoffed while rubbing me arms up and down furiously. “Yes, of course, I am.” 

Angie opened up her fur coat and ushered me to get in. I did so without hesitation. She shivered as I stole her warmth. Then, we started giggling. 

“Fucking London winters!” I shouted. This caused Angie to chuckle.

I could hear the doors open and close at the same time as a car engine did. I looked back to see Cassie and Tina walking out, heels in hand. 

“He’s here.” Cassie announced while walking past us.

Angie and I got up and followed suit. I don’t remember the drive because I fell back to sleep. Once we got to her place, we all decided to take a shower. I was made to go last since I had just flopped on the bed and closed me eyes.

I wasn’t asleep, but I didn’t want to be awake either. Tina came and shook me awake when it was me turn. I rolled up, grabbed some towels, and walked into the bathroom. 

I turned on the water ‘n made sure it was scalding hot before I stepped in. I sighed in pleasure as I was enveloped in its heat. I ran me hands over me hair and down me neck. 

Tommy’s been busy as was the whole family. Finn’s abar to turn twelve, but he’s growing fast. His baby fat is going away and he’s stretching out. 

God, was I teased when I came back bladdered the first night I went out! They all had a laugh. Arthur’s booming laugh made me wince which made more snickers go ‘round. Tommy even teased me abar calling him pretty.

“Me eyes still pretty, Aliena?” He asked me.

I tried smacking him, but he swerved and ran off. As much as me head was pounding, we- I was still happy. 

I sighed as I lathered me body with soap.

I still feel lost. I’m stuck cleaning and collecting payments from families. I only did that gig every two week, though. So, I took up another job and started helping Polly with the finances. I just double checked her math and did some of me own. The latter was only if we were swamped, though.

I wasn’t getting paid for that either. Two pound was enough, Polly warned me. I didn’t fight it. I saved up a lot of money. I just wasn’t out enough to spend it on much, but now that I am— it’s slowly decreasing. 

I huffed as I washed out the shampoo from me hair.

Finn is ‘aving trouble reading, finally. That coupled along with his growing desire to be apart of the family business, he’s getting even more discouraged abar school. Been hanging ‘round with Isaiah Jesus, who was five or six years older than him. Isaiah is a nice enough boy. Honestly, I don’t care what they do. They’re not me own children, after all.

I looked down at the water spiraling into the drain.

That’s a blag. I care deeply with what happens to that kid. Poor thing.

I sighed while turning off the shower. I wrang me hair multiple times to get out as much excess water as I could before bunching it up in a towel.

I didn’t like feeling like a freeloader in that house. It was just wrong. But I couldn’t deny that I loved the days like this where I knew I had no responsibilities because I already took care of them.

I would just sleep in bed. Or, like last night— party ‘til I blacked out. I also started writing again. Some original fantasy story. It was more for the 2000s, so I didn’t dare let anyone read it. After all, they wouldn’t understand some of the jargon I used nor the types of technologies. 

Once I was done drying off me body, I began to lather me legs in lotion. 

I was partying a lot! Like a lot. I can’t tell you how many times between December 16th and now, that Tommy had carried me off to bed. 

I kept telling him that he didn’t have to do that, but he insisted that he was doing it so I wouldn’t get sick. I’ve never not slept with blankets before, so I couldn’t disagree. I mean I did it when I was a child, I’m sure. But, I don’t remember if I got sick over it. I was sick a lot as a child.

I tucked in me towel and walked out. “I’m still alive.” I announced while walking over to me backpack. 

“Good. I was afraid you died in there.” Cassie chuckled at her own joke, which made me smile. 

I just yanked whatever I could out of it since it was holding everything I needed. New undergarments and clothes. Once I put on me panties, I dropped me towel so I could put on me bra. 

I finally looked up and watched as they talked amongst themselves. I tugged me hair towel off and patted me hair dry. 

“Hey, Ali. Your birthday is coming up. How do you feel about a party?”

With me back bent as I was drying me hair, I asked. “Where at?”

They collectively began to hum as I began me fight with jeans. I always had to jump once they got to me thighs. 

“Well, I wanted to throw you a party at my house.” Angie said as her hands joined in on the conversation.

I froze, instantly. I literally stopped putting on me shirt. “You mean at your mansion?”

She nodded with a sheepish smile on her face. 

I let me shirt stay stuck above me bust as I rushed to Angie. I hugged her as she giggled.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I chanted.

“Um, you’re welcome. I guess. I mean, I’m not doing this for a thank you. I want to throw a big party, that’s all. You’re one of my best friends.” 

I squeezed her tighter before letting her go. “Still, thank you. ‘Cause you don’t have to throw me a party at all.”

I gave her a big-toothy smile before I launched to kiss her cheek.

I went home the next day, fully sober. Don’t worry, yesterday was a rest day for me liver. Didn’t exactly want to die of a failed liver so soon. What am I talking abar? It’ll catch up to me later in life like with the boys.

Knowing me own luck, its gonna catch up with me sooner. Just watch.

I walked through the door and locked it behind me. It was seven, so I knew that Polly had to be up.

“Polly, I’m home!”

“In the kitchen, love!”

I walked in the room and there she was sitting with Ada and Karl. I cooed at the sight of him. I made grabby hands which made Ada chuckle. She passed him into me arms and I sighed.

“Hello, little one. How are you? Oh, you’re getting heavier. Mummy’s been feeding you right!”

I began to pepper his face in kisses which made him smile. 

“So, Ali. Polly’s been telling me that you’ve been to the big city with your friends. How are you liking it?”

I slowly took a seat before answering her. “Um, it’s not bad. I mean, during the day it’s beautiful. Perfect for people visiting, but at night-!” I scoffed while laughing. “It’s like everybody’s morals are gone with the light.”

Polly chortled. “So, like here except you get the same during the day too.”

 I rolled me eyes before blowing a raspberry. Karl giggled so I did it again. I looked at Ada and asked, “So, you and Freddie have any luck finding a flat?” 

She looked down, picking at her nails. So, that’s a no.

Ada scoffed. “It’s just so much harder than we thought. Things are really heating up within the group and Freddie’s friends can’t take us in because money is tight right now.”

I furrowed me eyebrows. “It is?”

It seems that I stepped on a landmine ‘cause there was a sparkle in Ada’s eyes. And so, she went on a rant abar communism. I only half paid attention, to be polite. Though Polly and I shared multiple judgemental glances at each other.

Karl, eventually, started to get fussy and I gave him back to Ada. Said he was probably hungry.

Polly cleared her throat when Ada stopped talking. “So, Ali, your birthday is coming up. What do you want to do?”

I hummed in thought. “Well, um, one of me friends offered to throw me a party at her place. So, I’m not sure. Plus, everyone is so busy. I don’t want to impose on anything.”

“Well, then. Guess a little celebration at the Garrison the day before wouldn’t be so bad, right?” 

I whipped ‘round to see Tommy leaning against the entrance of the kitchen, taking a drag from his ciggie.

I stopped getting after him abar them a while back. Didn’t see the point anymore. Especially now since I smoke too from time to time.

“No, it wouldn’t.”

He nodded. “We can see you drink in action. Wonder how many glasses of whiskey ‘till you feel a buzz?”

I felt me cheeks heat up as Polly and Ada snickered. I went to strike him ‘n he just lifted his arm.

I sighed and leaned on me head with the support of me hand. 

“Where am I needed today?” I asked, slightly already exhausted.

Polly hummed as she quickly swallowed her sip of tea. “I’ll be needing your help in the shop. Come on.”

I bit me lip, in order to stop the sigh that wanted to escape me mouth. I looked over at Tommy one last time, who was still looking at me. 

I spent the whole day running ‘round for Polly. Counting up money, retrieving money from the boys, and putting it away in the safe. I didn’t know the combination. I was just tossing it in. 

When she didn’t need me help, I was to go and make dinner. I did, in fact, make lunch as well. 

As I was doing that I went and called Cassie.

“Hello!” Cassie answered with a sing-song tone.

“Hello, Cassie.”

“Oh! Ali, what’s going on?”

I shook me head, even though, she couldn’t see it. “Is nothing. So, the Shelby’s are throwing me a little gatherin’ at the Garrison. You know the bar that Arthur owns now. And I was wondering if you and the girls can make it?”

I heard Cassie hum. “Well, I don’t see why we couldn’t. I know I’ll be there, but let me ask them and I’ll call you back.”

“Okay.”

We hung up and I refocused on finishing dinner. She called me back a little later saying that they agreed to come. Now, all that was left was for the day to come.

Today we were celebratin’ me 18th birthday. I’ve been with the Shelby’s for a year and 11 months. On me first 18th birthday, I was given a car. I wonder what I’m getting this year. Prior to the whole Kimber operation, I had been drawing a lot— but since, I stopped. I still have loads of paint and a single canvas left. 

I just hoped that they don’t give me the same thing. 

I wasn’t woken up the same way like last year either. It was the sun that woke me. I opened me eyes and laid in bed. I looked at the door in silence then turned away.

I could feel it in the air. Today was not going to be a good day.

I huffed while shutting me eyes close tightly. I slowly got up and turned ‘round so me feet where almost touchin’ the floor. I took a deep breath and let me feet touch the ground. 

I figured since we weren’t gonna be at the bar ‘til late at night. I was expected to still do me regular duties. I mean, after all, tomorrow was me birthday. I threw on a simple dress and boots then headed downstairs. 

I started working on breakfast. For who? I don’t know. Maybe just for me. I could hear the bustling of the shop. Men shouting. 

This empty room. This empty, vacant room with only me filling it. 

I closed me eyes and clenched me fists. The stinging pain of me nails diggin’ into me palm distracted me from crying. I shook me head and quickly plated me omelet. The chair scraped against the floor as I pulled it out and then I sat down.

I stared at it and stared. 

I’m not that hungry.

“Ali, what’re doing?” 

Me head snapped up and I locked eyes with Tommy. I blinked furiously before shaking me head a little, ‘n it really was just a little. 

I gulped before taking me fork, cutting a piece, and placed it in me mouth. “I was thinking.” I said with a little scoff, a goofy smile on me face. “Didn’t realize I was thinking that hard.”

He tipped his cap at me with furrowed eyebrows and squinted eyes before he walked off. 

I watched him and then dropped me fork. It didn’t taste of anything. 

To avoid causing up a stir, I scarfed down the rest of that omelet and then went abar me way. 

I went outside and pulled down the laundry. I tried keeping me head clear of everything and anything. But it was impossible. I kept making up plots in me head. I was just so bored without anyone to talk to.

‘I miss the kids.’ I caught meself thinking. I sighed while I clutched the basket closer to me body. I looked away before looking back ‘n walked back into the house. I had to start folding. 

Once I folded the clothes, I placed them in the room of their respective owners and then went back downstairs to clean up the place. I was in the middle of sweeping when lunch came ‘round. 

I did the usual and brought the boys and Polly their meals. Esme was at home today. However, there was one odd man out, Tommy. He was probably overseeing the designs of his office. They were going to start building soon. He said it would take anywhere from four to seven months. 

So with me basket like little red riding hood, I had to go on an adventure to take Tommy his lunch. When I got there, he dismissively thanked me. He literally didn’t even pick up his head, just took the bloody sandwich.

I didn’t even roll me eyes as usual. Didn’t see the point. I just went on me way. 

There was this pit in me stomach. It was making itself known more and more by the second.

I gasped in pain and leaned on a wall for support. I started smoothing me stomach by rubbing it harshly. But then I could feel the stares, so I stood up and began on me way again. 

By the time I got back, it was already late afternoon. I had to hurry up with the sweeping, dusting, and then beginning to polish the silver. I was not going to be able to finish that today!

I bought meself a type of curling iron and was dying to try it out. It was Tina who suggested it to me. Well, it was curling tongs but I was willing to burn meself to curl me hair. 

I picked out a pale-blue, dyed Burberry lace dress for tonight. I’ve been dying to wear it! I had a pale blue undergarment set to match. I put on said undergarments and dress, then worked on me hair. 

I got burned a couple of times, but it was worth it. The waves I’d get from having a bun just weren’t the same. I decided against makeup today. I just put on some chapstick and waited for night to roll ‘round. 

I kept meself busy by writing. I was on a sex scene for me story. It just kept me mind busy and away from negative thoughts. I didn’t stop writing ‘til there was a knock at me door.

“Ali, dear, are you ready?”

I slammed me journal shut and shoved it in its drawer. “Yeah!” I called out. “I’ll be right out!”

“Okay.” 

I got up from me seat and rushed out. I guess from the way I opened me door, Polly flinched. I gave her a sheepish smile.

“Shall we head out?” I asked.

She nodded while giving me a smile back. “Let’s go, love. I suspect the boys are already there. Starting without us.”

I scoffed. “Oh, Pol. I wouldn’t doubt it.” We shared another smile before we headed down the stairs arm in arm. 

“Aliena, have you met a boy in London?” Polly asked.

I shook me head. “Nah.” I took me coat off the hook, put it on, and managed to tug out me hair.

“Why not? I’m sure there’s hundreds of men out there that want to talk to ya!” She asked as we walked out the door, locking it behind us.

I tucked a piece of hair away from me face. “I mean, yeah. I have talked to men at the clubs.”

“But none of them worked out.”

I shook me head. “They all seemed to want one thing, you know. The ones that did seem sweet, fuckin’ turned ballistic on me at some point in the night. Then the real gentlemen just-!” I sighed. “There was just something missing.”

Polly sighed while patting me forearm that she was holding. “Yep, that’s men for you. Dogs that think with their cocks.” She sighed. “Well, there’s no rush. Take your time. Find someone you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with. But not too long, I want to be around to see that little one.”

A genuine smile and giggled let me lips. “I promise, Polly.” 

She pinched me cheek as we walked. 

“Is Ada and Freddie coming?” I asked.

She shrugged. “No idea. Last time we talked Ada said she wanted to come. But, with the new baby and the fact they’re practically still newlyweds because of all that’s happened— they probably would rather stay in.”

I half rolled me eyes. “You mean Freddie suggested that Ada stayed home.”

“Most likely.” 

We both grumbled at that. 

“Is that how married life is, Pol?”

She looked at me then looked away. “It’s not everything. It’s a part of it. Compromise. Ada can’t very well expect to go out whenever she wants. She doesn’t have a babysitter to take care of Karl, and you can’t bloody well expect the father to help.” She scoffed again.

Sounded like she was reminiscing.

I hummed and said. “True.”

We arrived at the Garrison, soon enough, and I opened the doors for her. It was just polite. Right?

We immediately went into the snug where the whole family was excluding John’s kids and Ada. So, really. It was just Arthur, Tommy, John, Finn, and Esme. Yes, Esme was here.

While it did irk me that she was here instead of taking care of the kids, it was not me decision to make. They had their own parenting style. And, Esme was not a bad person.

They cheered as we walked.

“Oi!”

“There’s the birthday girl!”

“Happy Birthday, Ali!”

I smiled while taking of me coat. Arthur came ‘round and helped me. I quickly thanked him and then found a spot to sit in.

Tommy stood up from his seat and reached over to me. “No, come on.” He said while pulling me up. “Up you get. Finn, go and get the cake.”

Finn was actually smiling rather than grumbling abar being made to get the cake. I covered me mouth with me hand in embarrassment. But went along with it, nonetheless.

Finn came back in balancing the cake in one hand as he had to close the door behind him. Polly took it from his hands and set it down on the table. Arthur and John were working on lighting all the candles.

The air was somewhat awkward yet filled with excitement at the same time. It was weird. 

As Arthur lit the last candle, they started singing. It was happenin’ all over again. I was covering me mouth with me hands and doubling over. 

“Happy Birthday, dear Aliena. Happy Birthday to you!” 

“Blow out the/your candles.”

I leaned down and thought abar it. ‘I wish I find happiness here soon.’ Then, I blew them out. They cheered and Polly was the first to hug me.

She whispered me a happy birthday in me ear before pecking me cheek and moving out of the way. Finn was next to wish me a happy birthday. I squeezed him tight while swaying us side to side. John stole me from Finn’s grasp, as always.

“Happy birthday, Ali. Is that a wrinkle I see?”

I gasped horrified and smacked his arm just as fast. He fucking cackled as he flinched. 

“Don’t listen to ‘em, Aliena. Happy birthday, Songbird!” Arthur roared as he brought me in for a hug. He shook us with made me make the sounds to match. I wasn’t expecting him to shake me.

Esme squeezed her way over to me and she wished me as well. We exchanged a quick peck on the cheek before I was left with the last one. 

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.” I teased while leaning back, me hands on me hips.

Tommy rolled his eyes, a small smile on his face. “Happy Birthday, Ali.” He hugged me and as I went to part from him, he kept me there. I felt him lean into me ear and I bit me lip harshly so I didn’t flinch. “For your present, I-!” He sighed into me ear, and I couldn’t help but flinch. “I, for lack of better words, added a headstone for your father. Happy Birthday, Aliena and I’m sorry.”

This imaginary romantic atmosphere was instantly shattered by the mention of me father. Great job, Thomas!

I smiled and thanked him as we parted. I made me way back to me seat. 

“Right!” Arthur shouted. “I say we get to opening these bloody presents. Get it out the way and drink Aliena till she drops!” He raised his mug to me while taking a drink of his bevvy.

I squinted at him while titling me head. “Fine, let’s get them out of the way!” I slid a box over from the middle of the table and began ripping it open. I shimmed the lid off of the box to reveal shoes.

“You’re gonna need a good pair of dancing shoes, if ya expect to be dancing ‘round clubs all the time, Ali.” John said with a cigar between his lips. 

I plastered on a smile and thanked him. I set in under the table and dealt with the rest of them. Arthur bought me more canvases. Something abar that made me laugh. I should expect canvases for all of me birthdays.

Once I sobered up, I opened up the last big box on the table. It was a coat from Polly. I faked a squeal, hugged her, and thanked her incessantly. It’s not that I didn’t like the coat. It’s just I never asked for one, either.

Then, there was this little box. I tugged on the ribbon and shimmed the lid off of it to reveal a rather expensive looking necklace. The snug quieted down and we collectively tried to find the culprit. Our eyes locked on the boy who was smiling the brightest.

Without a care in the world, Finn wished me a happy birthday. Cue Polly smacking him upside the head. 

“Finn, where’d you pinch that from?” Tommy asked while rubbing his bottom lip.

Finn, who was shielding himself from the last of Polly’s blows, answered. “Some jewelry store in London. Think it was called Madison. It’s not a big deal.”

All us shouted that it was indeed a big deal. I covered the box and pinched the bridge of me nose. 

Polly sighed. “No point in worrying now. I’ll be reading the papers in case people are looking for it. For now, give it to me. I’ll hide it away. It’s no good to be wearing that around here or right now.” She held out her hand for me.

I instantly gave it to her. I looked over at Finn who was looking rather ashamed. “You better beaut, you.” I shoved his face away, playfully. 

A small smile graced his face.

After that debacle, I ate a piece of me own cake while drinking gin. It’s been the first time in a long while that I’ve managed to get the chance to talk to everybody like this.

Made me really think abar how much I matter and how much I don’t. How much doing over Kimber changed this family. They were all busier. I wasn’t. They wouldn’t have done this if it hadn’t been me birthday. Well, they wouldn’t have invited me and Polly. It’s a fucking boys club in this family. Well, they did invite me in the past— but that’s all it is now, the past.

I downed a glass of whiskey and felt it burn me throat. I was getting used to it. I mean I started to drink at least twice a week. I could only limit me vices so much. It’s torture enough as is that I’m holding down the urge to smoke a ciggie right now. But, I am exposed to all the second hand in the air. 

“So, Ali. How are you feeling?” Arthur asked me as he was leaning close to Tommy. As if they had a secret bet or something. I knew what he meant by the question.

I shrugged me shoulders as I smiled. “I feel fine. Warm and fine.”

He scoffed and nodded before turning his head toward Tommy’s ear.

I rolled me eyes and went back to me conversation with Polly. We were talking abar how we were gonna get a grip on Finn. It’s sad that it took that child to do an actual robbery before anyone decided to listen to me. But, at least it’s happenin’ now.

After that I went on a conversation with John, who also asked abar me love life. It was getting so annoying to repeat the same damn things! Then, Esme had to add her two cents in and I couldn’t “snap” back in fear of getting on the wrong foot.

“I think you should experience life as is. Settling down is something you do later.”

I widened me eyes and put on a polite smile, but still had to bite me lip. Didn’t she have an arranged marriage ‘cause she was too wild. I nodded and then moved back to where me seat originally was.

One minute turned into five which turned into ten. 

Were these bitches really not going to show up? 

I looked ‘round to see everyone engaged in some kind of conversation. The boys were playing a card game while Polly and Esme talked. I was the odd man out. Just nursing me fucking bevvy. 

I don’t want to admit it, but this set up right here was hurting me feelings. Never liked feeling excluded. 

I took another glance at them again as I trailed me finger ‘round the rim of the glass.

I didn’t mean to do it, but I began thinking abar how it would be if I wasn’t here. Would they still have met up today? Under the circumstance of a nice day to relax after work. Did me presence actually affect anything? Why was I here? What was me purpose here? Am I supposed to help someone in the Shelby family? 

Am I supposed to prevent the second war from happening? Was this a blessing or a curse? Was this a curse?

“Ailena! Aliena, hun, we’re here!” Cassie shouted from outside the snug. 

I shot up from me chair, whipped back the door, and threw me arms ‘round her. We both laughed and swayed a little.

“You came. You fuckin’ slags. I thought youse weren’t gonna show.” 

Cassie laughed while petting me hair. “We thought you were home then we had to ask around where this bar was. We’re not from here idiot.” She knocked on me head as if she were knocking on a door. “We weren’t going to find this place if no one showed us it before.”

I pursed me lips. As I dropped me hip to the left while knocking me own head. “Oops, my bad.” I took Cassie’s hand in mine and ushered her into the snug. Angie and Tina followed suit. “Shelbys, meet my friends. This is Cassie Johnson, Lady Angelica Sallow, and The Honorable Christiana King. Friends meet the Shelbys. That is Arthur, Thomas, John, Finn, Esme, and Polly Gray.” 

Cassie uttered a “hi,” while waving with a smile. Tina just waved and smiled. 

Angie pushed her way through and greeted Polly. “Good evening, it’s so nice to meet you all, finally. Aliena has said all good things.”

Polly shook her hand, but I knew that face. She was studying her. I cleared me throat and clapped me hands. 

“Well, I wouldn’t want us to be all cramped up in the snug. So, we’ll be out there! Okay? Okay.” I grasped Angie’s hand and dragged her out of the snug.

“It really was nice meeting you all!” She shouted before I slammed the door shut. “What the ‘ell, Ali? She didn’t even get to say anything.”

I rolled me eyes. “Believe me, that was probably a good thing.” ‘She was sizing you up,’ was left unsaid. I flicked her forehead before leading them to the bar top. 

I waved Harry over who looked like he was stammering for words. He leaned down to the men sitting and said something to them that made them leave. I smiled and took a seat there.

“Anything I can get for you ladies? On the house. I know it’s our special Aliena’s birthday.” Harry said as he leaned against the top.

I smiled and said. “Can we get four gin and tonics, Harry? Thanks.”

“Coming right up.”

I turned ‘round so me back was against the top. “Thank God, youse came when ya did. I was dying of boredom in there.”

Cassie scoffed. “Maybe you should just-!”

I held up me finger, effectively shutting her up. “I literally just said that I was bored. I didn’t say I was being abused.” 

Cassie tsked while rolling her eyes which made me smirk. Tina cleared her throat before she spoke.

“So, that was the Tommy, you’re always talking about?” 

Me eyes widened to the size of saucers as I shushed her while me head did a full 180. “Don’t go announcing it to the whole fucking bar, Tina!” I looked ‘round a bit more before I leaned over Cassie and whispered. “But yes, that’s him.”

“He looks really intense. Is that your type?” Tina asked, unfazed.

I looked away before answering her. “Yes and no. He’s my type, obviously, since I have a crush on ‘em. But, the only thing he and the other men that I’ve been enamored with is high cheekbones.”

She oh-ed and nodded.

“Here you ladies are!” Harry said as the glasses clinked against the bar top. 

All four of us grabbed our drinks.

“Toast!” Angie shouted. We held our drinks in the air. “Today, we celebrate our little Aliena turning 18 a day early. Let’s try not to not drink too much ‘cause we are gonna party like it’s the end of the world tomorrow! To Aliena.”

“To Aliena! To me!”

Then, we drank as much as we could before having some sort of reaction. After that we paired off, I was talking to Angie.

“So, what happened to that guy you left with some nights ago?” I asked Angie as I took a sip of me bevvy.

She sighed as she used the straw to stir her drink. “It was a complete waste of time. In all honesty, I’m beginning to lose hope. I might as well just give up and let my father match me off.”

I shook me head furiously. “No! No, Ange. Don’t give up. What are you? 19, 20, you still have time to look. If you were 30, I’d be saying otherwise— but you’re not. You’ll find a guy when the time is right.”

Okay, I’m not bashing 30-year-old single people. Angie is expected to marry off at an early age in order to comply with the societal norms of the 1920s. Besides, she and her father have this arrangement that if she doesn’t have anyone she wants to marry for love by that age— then he has the right to marry her off.

She groaned while supporting her head with her hand, her elbow on the bar top. I rubbed her back up and down.

“You’ll find your Mister Right, Ange. I just know it. Hey, maybe, you have already met him.” I attempted to lighten her mood. “Either way. I think it’s too early to call it quits. Maybe we stop trying to find the love of our lives in clubs, eh? Try a cafe or a country club, instead?”

Angie turned her gaze to me and we shared a giggle.

“Eh?” I tried again.

“Yeah.” She whispered. “Yeah. You’re right.”

I smirked as I put me hand down and used it to bring me drink to me lips. “I know I am.”

I had two more gin and tonics before I felt that I was out of it. I was shoutin’, for sure. I was borderline slurring yet me sentences were still understandable. I had, technically, pre-gamed ‘cause the boys were trying to drink me under the table. 

I had stumbled out of the loo when I was attacked by me friends.

“Aliena! Ali!” They shouted.

I shook me head as I gripped their arms as they did mine. “What?” I shouted, confused.

Tina shoved Cassie forward who was cradling her cheek, but her lip was bleeding too. Me eyes widened and I immediately started inspecting it.

“What the fuck happened?”

Cassie looked away before looking back into me eyes. “I was talking to some guy. He came up to me at the bar. Then, this girl came up to me and just slapped me. She said that I should go to hell for being a homewrecker. That she bets that I’m nothing but a prostitute.” Cassie choked on a sob while rubbing her eyes. She smeared her eyeshadow ‘n mascara, making her look like a raccoon. Just like how I first met her. “Seems like they’re together or something. But I didn’t know. He came up to me. I swear. He came up to me. I would never flirt with a taken man, Ali.” She hiccup and whimpered.

I looked back to see Angie arguing with the girl. I could feel me blood boiling. I was filled with rage. That bitch made me Cassie cry. 

“Ali, she was wearing rings.” Tina pointed out, her voice strained. She motioned toward Cassie’s busted lip.

I titled her head down to get a good look at it. Then, I began to shake me head softly before I muttered, “I’ll take care of it.” She should’ve known who she was hitting before she’d done it. Should’ve hit her unfaithful man instead of slapping me best friend.

I grabbed a drink that was idle at the bar top. Angie and the girl’s arguing got louder. I saw as the woman began to raise her arm, her fist clenched.

“Oi!” I yelled. The girl twirled ‘round and I threw the drink in her face before punching her straight on the nose. She gasped in pain as she went to cradle her nose. I gave her a moment to recuperate.

Let’s have a fair fight now.

She looked up at me, her nose bloody. “You crazy fucking bitch.”

“A fucking bitch who’s friend you messed with, dumb cunt.” 

She growled before she launched herself at me, rather pathetically. I grabbed the hand that tried to slap me and gave her one instead. I managed to get both of her arms in me hold, I titled me head back, and head butted her.

Fuck did that bring tears to me eyes.

She fell to her knees as I let go of her arms. Instead of cradling her head, she wrapped her arms ‘round me legs and forced me down. 

I groaned on impact, but quickly shot up and punched her. She yelped and went to clutch her face.

The fact that she managed to make me fall pissed me off even more.

I grabbed a wooden chair that nearby, raised it in the air, and started beating her with it. She whimpered with each hit and started wailing. 

I didn’t care. This felt good. This felt cathartic. Why was me heart beating so loud? Why was I fighting off a smile? There was this cracking sound and before I knew it, the blood from her nose splattered across the floor. 

Her arms finally came up to protect her head, but that didn’t deter me. She turned over on her side, but I still didn’t stop. I gave one good strong swing and she left out a blood-curdling scream just as there was an audible crack in the room. Did I manage to break her arm?

“Ali! Aliena!” 

Me head shot up and I didn’t raise up the chair again. Thomas stood there with his hand out, signaling for me to stop. 

“Enough.” He breathily pleaded. “Enough now.” He took a hesitant step toward me, as if I were a fucking animal.

How fucking insulting! 

I couldn’t help it. I was just so mad. I raised the chair and slammed it against the wall of the bar top. I could hear people gasp. All that was left in me hand was one of the chair’s legs. 

I panted for breath. “There. Now that’s enough.” I ran a hand through me hair, effectively getting all me hair out of me face. The girl was whimperin' incessantly. It was so annoying. I kicked her softly as I  stepped over her body and told her to shut up.  

“Come on. Let’s go.” I called out to me friends. I could hear their shuffling behind me as I continued walking on.

Just as I was abar to pass Tommy, he caught me arm. 

“We’re gonna talk about this at home.” He whispered. His tone stern and chastising. 

I tsked and yanked me arm away from him. I marched on and caught the eyes of me employers. The look in their eyes were mixed with astonishment and disapproval. 

I rolled me eyes, hard before I opened the doors with bang.

“All right! Show’s over. Go back to what you were doing.” I heard Tommy yell.

I started walking faster. When I realized me friends’ heels were clacking behind me, I turned ‘round and waited for them. I rushed to Cassie and hovered me hands over her inflamed cheek.

She caught me wrists and held them tightly.

“We need to get some ice on it. We can’t have it bruising.” I muttered while inspecting her face again.

Angie scoffed. “What the fuck was that, Aliena?” Her face was contorted in some weird mixture of anger and disbelief.

“She got what she deserved. The dumb-arse raised a hand to Cassie expecting no repercussions. I decided to give her some.” I said with a booming voice. 

Cassie shook her head. “What about your hands?” She asked as she gently took me hands in hers and started to inspect them. “You punched her good. Are your knuckles swollen?” 

I shrugged me shoulders. “Don’t know. I feel quite a bit of pain, though.”

Angie groaned loudly. “Of course you would feel pain. You broke her nose, Ali! You headbutted her and then beat her with a chair.”

Me head snapped toward Angie. “Thank you for the play-by-play! What’s your deal?” I asked.

She scoffed again as her hands began to join the conversation. “What’s my deal? Aliena, YOU BEAT THAT GIRL WITH A CHAIR!”

“IT WAS AN OLD WOODEN CHAIR! Look at the end of the day, I would have done that for any one of youse. She fucking busted Cassie’s lip over a man. A man, Angie! So, I busted hers.”

Cassie sniffled loudly. “Thank you.” She whispered. “Thank you.” Cassie hugged me tightly and hid her face in me neck.

It has something to do with her past. But, I wasn’t going to out her to the rest of the girls— just because they couldn’t understand.

Tina waved her hands between Angie and I. “Angelica, I’m sorry but I’m with Ali.”

Angie scoffed as her eyes bugged out of her head.

Tina continued. “Maybe the chair was excessive, but we’re all drunk. We’re drunk! That fucking bitch just straight up slapped Cassie while she had her rings on, and...and-! Belittled her! That’s not right!”

“Tina just because we are all a little drunk does not excuse violence. I was handling it!”

I scoffed and ran me hand through me hair again. “Sure, you were handling it alright! Then, why did I have to stop her from hitting you?”

Angie averted her eyes. “She wasn’t-!”

“Yes, she was and you know it. You must have seen her cock her arm and/or at least see that her fists were clenched.”

Angie looked down at the cobblestone. “It just felt a little excessive.” She whispered as she hugged herself.

So, the leader of this pack has a little bite.

I sighed while pinching the bridge of me nose. “I admit the chair was a little over the top. I just got so angry and…” Me voice trailed off. “I’m sorry for, I don’t know, upsetting you. But what I’m not sorry for is defending you and Cassie.”

We left it at that and regrouped at the house. We talked abar it a little more before I poured everyone some water and distributed the bread. Cassie insisted on icing me knuckles, so I let her. When it was ‘round two in the morning, Cassie called Simmons.

I was hugging me arms as I watched them pile into the car. 

Angie’s head popped out as she said. “Remember I’m picking you up at four tomorrow, all right!”

I nodded. “Yeah, I got it.” I laughed as her head disappeared back into the car. I faced Cassie. I couldn’t help the pitiful gaze on me face. 

“Thanks again for, ya know, fucking her up for me.” Cassie whispered as she picked under her nails.

I winked at her. “We’re crazy together, remember.” We shared a laugh and then a hug. But after, she climbed into the car and I waved them off. I looked ‘round and then ran back into the house.

I already had a plan. I was just going to go to sleep to avoid a very uncomfortable conversation that I did not want to go through again. It was too unpredictable. 

Was I going to be confronted by just Tommy or is Polly going to be there too? Would it be a fucking family meeting? Might as well be, they’ll probably just harass me individually.

Oh fucking well!

I raced up the steps and slammed me door behind me. Me chest heaved up and down as I tried to catch me breath. I realized that I didn’t put makeup on tonight. 

I’m a fucking genius!

I ran to me bed, jumped in, got comfy, then closed me eyes. 

“Oi! Wake up! There’s no avoiding this, Ali.”

I jumped awake. Me heart was in me fucking throat and I threw a glare at Tommy. 

“Leave me alone!” I sluggishly demanded as I went to turn ‘round in me bed.

“Aliena, there’s no avoiding this so let’s get it over with, yeah.”

I shut me eyes tightly before letting out a big sigh. I rubbed me forehead before I yanked me blankets off me body. I heard Tommy walk out rather than see it. I got to me feet and walked after ‘em. 

As I extended me right hand fingers’, they throbbed in pain. I’m sure if Cassie hadn’t hounded me to ice them, they would be in much worse condition. 

We walked all the way into the family meeting room that was in the betting shop. Lights were lit, people in their usual spots. Esme wasn’t here, though.

That’s nice.

Polly with hands on her hips walked ‘til she was at Tommy’s side.

“You wanna tell us what that was all about?” She pointedly asked me.

I sighed while I rubbed me forehead again. “The woman hit Cassie. This man came up to her and started chattin’ her up. Turns out the fella was taken. The woman directly confronted Cassie as the problem. Called her names. Called her a homewrecker and said she was a prostitute. That’s when she slapped Cassie with rings on her hand.”

They all just stared at me blankly.

Well, fucking say something! Say it wasn’t me own fight! Say that they could’ve started this and not the woman. Say that I did a good job, or I had no right doing what I did! Say that I was out of control. ASK ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!

I looked down at the floorboard. “I knew it wasn’t me own fight, but Cassie is me best friend. And I wasn’t thinking clearly. I had tossed back like three gin and tonics after drinking all that whiskey in the snug. It won’t happen again.”

Tommy sniffed, flicked his nose, then spoke. “Right, guess that’s it then. Don’t let it happen again, Ali.”

Me head shot up and I blinked a lot. 

That was it?

I just nodded and headed up the stairs. As I gently closed me bedroom door behind me, I slid down it with me hands hiding me face. Me body shook violently as I inaudibly sobbed.

I woke up with a headache. Not a hangover, but a headache. Luckily, I had a day off today. Afterall, today was me actual birthday. So, I turned ‘round and shut me eyes. I wasn’t going back to sleep, I knew that wasn’t happening— but I just didn’t want to get up yet.

Me hand was throbbing. I tried clenching and unclenching me hand as a way to soothe it. Just like the day before, I took me time getting up. But, I didn’t start getting ready.

I took off the dress I fell asleep in and picked out me fuzzy black sweater and grey joggers to match. I ran a hand over me face before sighing and dropping me hip to the side. I racked me hand in me hair, pushing it away from me face, and then walked over to me desk. I opened the drawer and pulled out me art book. 

I tossed it on me desk and flipped it open to a blank page. I just sat there and pondered abar what I should try drawing. I blew a raspberry before I snapped me fingers as the thought came to me. 

I was gonna try and draw Tommy using watercolours. 

I spent the whole morning working on it ‘til I couldn’t stand the ache in me stomach anymore. I sighed while racking me hair back again. I got up and walked downstairs. 

I was fairly greeted by the shouts of men coming from the betting shop. I walked to the kitchen and grabbed the bread nonchalantly. I cut meself two slices, kept the knife in me hand, then grabbed the jam with the other. 

I sat down with one leg tucked into me thigh on the chair while the other was bent. Grabbed the knife ‘n began to spread the jelly ‘round as I yawned. I took two bites before I decided I desperately needed water to wash it down.

I strolled over to the cabinet and pulled out a glass. We drank from the tap, so that’s what I did. As I was drinking me water, the front door opened. 

For fuck’s sake. 

I silently prayed to God that it wasn’t who I thought it was. And sure enough, Tommy Shelby came into view. I mouthed, “Fuck,” before sitting back on me chair. I could feel his eyes on me. I kept me gaze locked on the table. 

Tommy cleared his throat ‘n I instinctively raised me head. Tommy grabbed his cap off of his head ‘n held it in one hand as he pulled out a chair. He groaned softly as he sat down. 

He tsked. “So, Ali. You wanna tell me what yesterday was really about?”

I blinked. “I already told you what it was abar.”

He titled his head and his lips pursed a little. His eyes flickered to mine. 

Was he trying to say something with his eyes? ‘Cause it felt like it. It was like he was begging me to tell him me troubles. But, I didn’t want to.

“Are you sure, Ali? You’re tellin’ me you did all that because she roughed up your friend.”

I rolled me eyes as me tongue prodded the inside of me cheek. I kept quiet before scoffing. “She just caught me on a bad day. I was already drunk ‘n agaited. Angie said something that ticked me off earlier. And I think me Aunt Flo is abar to make a visit, so yeah.” I smiled at him mockingly before I took a big bite of me scran. 

He studied me face for a little more before he tapped his finger on the table and rose up suddenly. “Right.” He muttered before he left the room. 

 After that interaction, I scarfed me scran down and went back upstairs. I worked on me painting ‘til it was four. I heard that familiar honk and cursed in surprise. I was lost in painting. I scrambled ‘round to collect me things. I was going to stay over the weekend. 

Her incessant honking was raising me blood pressure and I fought back the urge to shout at her. I was zipping ‘round me room gathering everything. I slug me backpack on and flew out the door.

Just as I was grabbing me coat, a voice caught me. “Aliena, love. Are you sure this is a good idea?”

I stilled and looked at Polly. “How do you mean?”

She looked at me with a concerned face. “Should you be partying with what happened yesterday?”

I averted me eyes. “It’s me birthday, Pol.” I whispered.

She didn’t say anything in response.

I looked up at her before taking me coat hurriedly off the hook and running backwards. “Love you, Pol! Bye!”

As always, Cassie was waiting for me outside the car. We hugged and then climbed inside of the car. We brought up what happened again ‘n really cleared the air. 

I just wanted it to go away, ya know. Be forgotten. It literally happened yesterday night. It wasn’t going away anytime soon.

When we got to the flat, the girls wasted no time pushing me into a chair. 

“What are youse doing?” I asked through me laughter. I noticed there were other women in the room as well.

“I hired these women to do our hair and makeup. I want you to look your best! I even hired a photographer. But first, the dress you will be wearing!” Angie divulged as she walked over to the closet. She reached inside and pulled out a silk green dress.

It looked exactly like the one Kiera Knightly wore in Atonement. Me own gasps were not the only ones heard throughout the room.

Tina came into me view and took the dress out of Angie’s hand slowly. “I showed my family’s dressmaker the drawing you drew of me in this dress. I asked them to make one just like it. I wanted you to have the real thing.” She walked over to me and I took the dress into me hands as she held onto the hanger.

I stroked the fabric, silk. “Oh, Tina. It’s so beautiful. Just how I-!” Just how I remembered it. I hummed with a painful smile on me face. I hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek. “Thank you.” I whispered in her ear. 

Cassie clapped her hands. “Alright. Let’s get dressed before we get our hair and makeup done.”

We did as she suggested. Once we were all done changing, we sat down on the chairs where the cosmetologists were standing patiently. In a very movie-esque fashion, the cosmetologists flapped open their smocks and draped it over us, simultaneously. 

Angie was sitting in the chair beside me.

I looked over at her. “Angie, you didn’t have-!”

She held up her hand, effectively shuttin’ me up. “I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. So, let’s all just enjoy this.”

The cosmetologist began by curling me hair in loose waves and then proceeded to give me a faux bob. Something I could never achieve if I did this by meself. I struck up a conversation with her and she was happy to give me some tips. 

I looked at meself in the mirror. I couldn’t believe how me hair looked. I looked like I finally belonged in this era. I couldn’t stop the Cheshire-cat grin on me face. But I had to relax it as ordered by the cosmetologist. 

When it was all said ‘n done, they women left and I opened Cassie’s present. She got me an amethyst earrings and necklace set this time for me ma’. When I started to tear up, the girls rushed to me and begged me to stop before it could even begin. That got a laugh out of me.

The earrings were Long Cluster Gemstone Earrings and the necklace was silver with an amethyst teardrop. I rushed to put them on and then it was time to go. 

God was Angie’s mansion intimidating. Even more so that it was filled with people from high society that were unfamiliar to me. I knew I was going to meet with a lot of people tonight. 

The party was in a light swing when we arrived. I stuck to Cassie like gum on a shoe. While I desperately wanted to find a table and stand ground there or find some secluded place so that I could relax, I was stuck with Cassie— greeting her other friends and acquaintances. 

It was so embarrassing when they asked abar me family. Only to tell them that I’m an orphan and I met Cassie when I was giving her directions. I didn’t miss the faces. The faces of people who sneered at me. Teased me for me status behind me back. Made stories up abar why they were keeping me ‘round. Maybe even for the dress. It was a 1940s style dress, I think.

I didn’t expect to feel this way. I thought I could move past it, bury it all down. But, I was finding it harder to do than expected. Still, I kept a polite smile and dug me nails into me palm. 

When the mansion was packed, Angie ushered me to the stage where the band was playing. She made a big spectacle of it.

“Everyone, I gathered you all here to celebrate my good friend, Aliena Welsh’s 18th birthday.” She clapped which was mimicked by everyone in the crowd.

For pride, I suppressed the need to cover me face and spazz out. I kept that tight, polite smile on me face.

“Bring out the cake.” Angie shouted. On her orders, men in tuxes— the stewards or butlers or manservants— rolled out a cake and left it in front of us. Angie guided me where to stand. “We’ll sing Happy Birthday on three, everyone. One, two, three!”

A whole crowd was singing happy birthday to me. It was absolutely mortifying. I kept me gaze as Cassie, who was singing with a thumbs up. She knew I was freaking out. 

When the whole singing was over with, I made the same wish I did yesterday. I walked off the stage with Angie. I rushed over to Cassie and hide me face in her neck.

“They were all looking at me.” I whimpered.

She rubbed me back. “I know. I know, honey. How about we get a piece of cake, eat, then get fucking drunk. Huh? Sound alright?”

I looked up at her and nodded. So, that’s what we did. We ate a piece of cake and marched over to the bar. 

“Oooh!” I exclaimed. “Let’s play a drinking game!”

Cassie furrowed her eyebrows. “What game?”

“I think it’s called blowjob.”

She gasped while slapping her hand over her mouth. “Oh my god! Ailena!”

“Look we order three shots each and whoever drinks it the fastest without using their hands wins. You game?”

Cassie looked hesitantly. Her hand covering her mouth to hide her smile. “Fine! What the hell, right? You’re the birthday girl, after all.”

I cheered and called over the bartender.

We could only play one round of that game. I got buzzed fairly quickly since it was vodka. But we settled for beer. 

We danced, sat down, drank, smoked, and eventually I got so drunk that I started dancing modernly. I was swaying me hips while holding a bottle of whatever, dancing to the music in me head.

I felt hands wrap ‘round me arms. I turned ‘round to see Angie. 

“Angie!” I squealed before going in to hug her. She giggled before titling me head back.

“Aliena, you need to slow it down.” 

I blew raspberries. “I’m ‘aving fun. ‘Ave fun with me.” I kept her hand in mine as I leaned away and started dancing again.

Angie sighed while clutching her forehead. “Fine, I’ll have fun with you. Just! Stop dancing like that!”

I shrugged me shoulder and stilled instantly while a piece of hair fell into me eyes. “Okay.” Then, I pulled her to the bar where we chatted and drank.

I don’t know where I was. I was just extremely nauseous. I used the walls to support me as I stumbled along. The entrance doors were in me sight. I walked faster and felt me mouth water. I immediately doubled over into a plant and vomited.

When I was done, I stood straight while wiping me mouth. I gathered what was left in me mouth and spat it out. I whimpered as I clutched me tummy. 

I stumbled down the steps. Me legs were shaking like leaves. I groaned and plopped down on them. I bent over and started taking them off.

“Fucking devil shoes.” I grumbled. When I was done, I wobbled me way back up to me feet and walked further out in the backyard garden area, place, thingy.

I chortled at me thoughts.

When I got tired of walking, I sat down on some undistinguishable patch of grass. I was surrounded by acres of sophisticatedly cut grass.

I used me arms to support me as I leaned forward. I picked at the grass for a while ‘til it hit me.

I just threw up in one of Angie’s plants... 

Stutteringly, me arms gave up on me and I was laying down. I raised me arms to cover me face as it started to contort. A sob escaped me lips. Me shoulders shook violently.

I’m turning into an alcoholic. I drank ‘til I threw up in me mate’s flowers.

What’s wrong with me! 

TAG LIST: @amirahiddleston @nemesis729​ @salvatoreitmeanssaviour @tlfshelby1 @halepea @lilymurphy03 @marsfireeyes @masumiyetimziyanoldu @i-love-superhero​

[theesoopap]

The guardian angel of Science and Tech

 https://www.linkedin.cn/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6748246588021452800

We are living in a technical age. Many are convinced that science and

technology hold the answers to all our problems. We should just let the

scientists and technicians go on with their work, and they will create

heaven here on earth. But science is not an enterprise that takes place on

some superior moral or spiritual plane above the rest of human activity.

Like all other parts of our culture, it is shaped by economic, political and

religious interests.

Science is a very expensive affair. A biologist seeking to understand

the human immune system requires laboratories, test tubes, chemicals

and electron microscopes, not to mention lab assistants, electricians,

plumbers and cleaners. An economist seeking to model credit markets

must buy computers, set up giant databanks and develop complicated

data-processing programs. An archaeologist who wishes to understand

the behavior of archaic hunter-gatherers must travel to distant lands,

excavate ancient ruins and date fossilized bones and artefacts. All of this

costs money.

During the past 500 years’ modern science has achieved wonders

thanks largely to the willingness of governments, businesses, foundations

and private donors to channel billions of dollars into scientific research.

These billions have done much more to chart the universe, map the

planet and catalogue the animal kingdom than did Galileo Galilei,

Christopher Columbus and Charles Darwin. If these particular geniuses

had never been born, their insights would probably have occurred to

others. But if the proper funding were unavailable, no intellectual

brilliance could have compensated for that. If Darwin had never been

born, for example, we’d today attribute the theory of evolution to Alfred

Russel Wallace, who came up with the idea of evolution via natural

selection independently of Darwin and just a few years later. But if the

European powers had not financed geographical, zoological and

botanical research around the world, neither Darwin nor Wallace would

have had the necessary empirical data to develop the theory of

evolution. It is likely that they would not even have tried.

Why did the billions start flowing from government and business

coffers into labs and universities? In academic circles, many are naïve

enough to believe in pure science. They believe that government and

business altruistically give them money to pursue whatever research

projects strike their fancy. But this hardly describes the realities of

science funding.

Most scientific studies are funded because somebody believes they can

help attain some political, economic or religious goal. For example, in

the sixteenth century, kings and bankers channelled enormous resources

to finance geographical expeditions around the world but not a penny

for studying child psychology. This is because kings and bankers

surmised that the discovery of new geographical knowledge would

enable them to conquer new lands and set up trade empires, whereas

they couldn’t see any profit in understanding child psychology.

In the 1940s the governments of America and the Soviet Union

channelled enormous resources to the study of nuclear physics rather

than underwater archaeology. They surmised that studying nuclear

physics would enable them to develop nuclear weapons, whereas

underwater archaeology was unlikely to help win wars. Scientists

themselves are not always aware of the political, economic and religious

interests that control the flow of money; many scientists do, in fact, act

out of pure intellectual curiosity. However, only rarely do scientists

dictate the scientific agenda.

Even if we wanted to finance pure science unaffected by political,

economic or religious interests, it would probably be impossible. Our

resources are limited, after all. Ask a congressman to allocate an

additional million dollars to the National Science Foundation for basic

research, and he’ll justifiably ask whether that money wouldn’t be better

used to fund teacher training or to give a needed tax break to a troubled

factory in his district. To channel limited resources we must answer

questions such as ‘What is more important?’ and ‘What is good?’ And

these are not scientific questions. Science can explain what exists in the

world, how things work, and what might be in the future. By definition,

it has no pretensions to knowing what should be in the future. Only

religions and ideologies seek to answer such questions.

Consider the following quandary: two biologists from the same

department, possessing the same professional skills, have both applied

for a million-dollar grant to finance their current research projects.

Professor Slughorn wants to study a disease that infects the udders of

cows, causing a 10 per cent decrease in their milk production. Professor

Sprout wants to study whether cows suffer mentally when they are

separated from their calves. Assuming that the amount of money is

limited, and that it is impossible to finance both research projects, which

one should be funded?

There is no scientific answer to this question. There are only political,

economic and religious answers. In today’s world, it is obvious that

Slughorn has a better chance of getting the money. Not because udder

diseases are scientifically more interesting than bovine mentality, but

because the dairy industry, which stands to benefit from the research,

has more political and economic clout than the animal-rights lobby.

Perhaps in a strict Hindu society, where cows are sacred, or in a

society committed to animal rights, Professor Sprout would have a better

shot. But as long as she lives in a society that values the commercial

potential of milk and the health of its human citizens over the feelings of

cows, she’d best write up her research proposal so as to appeal to those

assumptions. For example, she might write that ‘Depression leads to a

decrease in milk production. If we understand the mental world of dairy

cows, we could develop psychiatric medication that will improve their

mood, thus raising milk production by up to 10 per cent. I estimate that

there is a global annual market of $250 million for bovine psychiatric

medications.’

Science is unable to set its own priorities. It is also incapable of

determining what to do with its discoveries. For example, from a purely

scientific viewpoint it is unclear what we should do with our increasing

understanding of genetics. Should we use this knowledge to cure cancer,

to create a race of genetically engineered supermen, or to engineer dairy

cows with super-sized udders? It is obvious that a liberal government, a

Communist government, a Nazi government and a capitalist business

corporation would use the very same scientific discovery for completely

different purposes, and there is no scientific reason to prefer one usage

over others.

In short, scientific research can flourish only in alliance with some

religion or ideology. The ideology justifies the costs of the research. In

exchange, the ideology influences the scientific agenda and determines

what to do with the discoveries. Hence in order to comprehend how

humankind has reached Alamogordo and the moon – rather than any

number of alternative destinations – it is not enough to survey the

achievements of physicists, biologists and sociologists. We have to take

into account the ideological, political and economic forces that shaped

physics, biology and sociology, pushing them in certain directions while

neglecting others.

Two forces in particular deserve our attention: imperialism and

capitalism. The feedback loop between science, empire and capital has

arguably been history’s chief engine for the past 500 years. The

following chapters analyse its workings. First we’ll look at how the twin

turbines of science and empire were latched to one another, and then

learn how both were hitched up to the money pump of capitalism. #money #science #technology #innovation #tech # # # #like #travel #tech #data #technology #innovation #ai #artificialintelligence #india #deeplearning #culture #work #markets #research #datascience #machinelearning #globalgiving #nonprofit

[bbq-hawks-wings]

More Hawks HCs!

I feel like the Hawks tag has been a little bare as far as HCs go for a little bit so throwing my hat in once again while I wait for dinner to cook between stirrings.

Finances:

Hawks grew up dirt poor - like concerningly poor. Now that he's rolling in the dough he literally has no idea how he would ever spend it all.

What's more, he doesn't WANT to spend it willy-nilly. He grew up with the mindset that money was a responsibility, not a luxury. He takes his responsibility very seriously.

When he started hero work and immediately shot to the top and saw his checks swell at breakneck speeds, the first thing he did was hire a finance manager to make sure he planted his money into investments instead of burning through it or letting it sit stagnant.

He has a diverse enough portfolio that should he be out of work for good today he still wouldn't need to work another day in his life if he didn't want to.

But now that he's settled he makes a point to donate large amounts to charities focusing on underprivileged families and children in particular.

He tries to keep it under the radar, though. Part of it is him desperately trying to avoid the top hero spot but another part is a genuine sense of humility trying to do what's right.

He actually ended up with a personal procurement staff at his brand consultant's suggestion. People who are clearly paid enough money are often expected to act like it, and he almost caused a scene when he was on a live interview and learned the actual cost of his ensemble that had been picked for him.

He looked somewhere between horrified and absolutely going to be sick (Do you know exactly how many rotisserie chicken dinners that could buy?!?!), but he recovered and got someone else to hold his credit card for him. Now all he does is tell them his tastes in clothes, furniture, etc. and they find and buy it for him so he doesn't have to look at the price tag, and they only get something when he speaks up to mention it.

He has good people, though. They still try to keep costs down for his sake. He still buys all his own food, though.

Still, some habits are just a little more deeply ingrained, and he practically breathes the "reduce, reuse, recycle" mantra. He's often praised for taking care of the planet; but honestly he's just so thrifty deep into his bones it hurts to be wasteful.

He also can't help but resent people (often entitled people born into money) who don't understand how fortunate they are and take everything, especially people, for granted.

Family:

Hawks was an only child (wait and watch Horikoshi throw an enormous family in my face later) and lived with his mother, father, and grandmother.

Gran-gran was his favorite playmate, and the two were thick as theives. She was the one who really cemented many of his key values as a person as well as taught him how to fly.

His grandmother was not a conventionally attractive woman. She had pronounced, almost masculine features; a scowl that could send people running, wild hair, and a long, prominent nose. She looked like a tengu, though the wings on her back also earned her the mean nickname of "harpy" from time to time as well.

Hawks' good looks are thanks to his late grandpa - a guy with a much more bird-like quirk.

Gran-gran was clever, though, and tough as nails! She wasn't afraid to make her grandson earn all his victories in their games, but she was also doting and praised him when he did well or did his best.

God, what he wouldn't do to spend just one more festival with her watching the fireworks again. He misses her more than even he realizes.

Hawks' father did his best to provide for his family, but the financial hardships got on top of them more times than he's proud of. Sometimes it was hard for him to look his family in the eye.

His mother also tried to bring in money with odd jobs, but often ended up sick and having to rest at home. Her telekenesis quirk was what gave Hawks his quirk's competitive edge to it.

Hawks always wanted brothers or sisters, but it was never financially in the cards for them. To this day he loves big families, and the sight of parents juggling three or more children always makes him smile.

If he hadn't been taken away to boarding school for his training and separated from his family, they probably would have bonded even closer and continued to grow again. He'd hoped for that when he agreed to it; but he didn't understand the depth of the situation or the greed/desperation of the Hero Public Safety Commission.

Personal life:

Hawks is too busy for a pet, but that hasn't stopped him from wondering what kind he'd get if he could.

He really does just get along well with birds, so he'd probably get one, but a smaller one that probably wouldn't outlive him. He couldn't do that to the poor thing, nor could he only get one. Bare minimum he would ever get of any pet is two because even if he wasn't as busy as he was he probably still couldn't necessarily give a social bird the time it needed to be happy. Friends are a must.

As much as he loves the personality of the larger birds, he knows it takes a lot of patience to live with them on top of the life span thing, so he'd probably get some parakeets or cockatiels.

He'd be lying if he didn't admit getting chickens has crossed his mind on several occasions.

If he had to pick a fuzzy buddy, though, he likes ferrets. When they're not bouncing off the walls full of energy, they're out cold for a good snooze. (That's the life!)

Learning how to play an instrument is also on his bucket list. He knows it's so basic, but he would love to pick up the guitar. He doesn't expect to be any kind of amazing musician and his singing voice is less than stellar; but he'd just like to be able to play some of his favorite tunes for himself from time to time.

He's an easy person to like, but he is not easy to love or live with. Much of his darker personality traits come out the more time he spends with people. They aren't "evil" traits, by any means, but much more like survival mechanisms developed by the lifestyle forced on him that are clearly unhealthy the longer you look at them.

Like his instinctual need to control any given circumstance or interaction. It's not something he does out of malice; but it becomes obvious if you look close enough. He doesn't feel like he has agency over his own life, and people on all sides are always trying to take advantage of him.

He also ever so subtly changes his persona depending on the situation and company present. It's such a habit at this point even he doesn't realize he does it. We've seen before that he can expertly read a room and react accordingly.

Hawks is also used to putting up emotional barriers between himself and people with potentially meaningful relationships to him. Whether consciously or not, since losing his family he's afraid of losing people important to him again.

This poor man is also unbelievably touch starved. His childhood was filled with affectionate hugs and roughhousing as it was one of the few things they had in spades. Now, not only is he alone in the middle of a VERY "hands-off" society, he has his public image to manage as well.

Someone get this guy a therapist, seriously! He's too close to the situation to realize how precarious and easily compromisable his mental health state is, but on all sides are people that would discourage him from seeking therapy because it could be considered as being "weak" where mental illness is stigmatized.

Hawks has only been truly furious once in his life as a adolescent. It was terrifying for everyone there at the time as he completely let loose and lost control in the heat of the moment. He tries to keep himself reined in since then, but as with many other things doesn't realize he may be making it worse by bottling up his frustrations and shoving it down.

That isn't to say he's incapable of deep, meaningful relationships - romantic or platonic - but the amount of firm patience and persistence needed from the other party nears sainthood. He craves those relationships and NEEDS them, but he's deathly afraid of losing them as well as being vulnerable and taken advantage of.

If he got even just one or two people that could truly love him unconditionally like that, that would be enough for him to completely reprioritize everything. His hero's heart was born out of love and uncertainty about tomorrow as a child; and Commission or not he would have become a hero in the end anyway. As a grown man, that kind of love would drive him to be a force to be reckoned with the kind that would make his past accomplishments pale in comparison.

To be clear, a good friend or a lover would not "fix" him, but would certainly help and encourage him make the time and space he needs to examine and work through his own issues he's let bottle up for so long. There just isn't much pushing him to do so while he's as isolated as he is.

(I've made myself really sad now...)

He's a generous friend and lover, though, once he allows himself to open up. Though from an outside perspective Hawks really doesn't need much - just patience and time and attention - to him it's everything, and he'll do nearly anything to show his gratitude for it.

(That's a little better)

That turned out way longer than anticipated, but here ya go! I promise I'll get back to writing (haven't forgotten those kiss prompts!) soon. I have a commission and a painting to finish, but now that baby takes regular naps I can finally take time for me again!

[riveir]

info dump                    canon au verse.

writing in this verse is set in an alternate universe scenario, in which river’s death occurs later in life than his senior year of high school. i’m very hesitant to say that it wouldn’t occur at all, for reasons explored below; because i would prefer writing in this verse to be heavily plot-based anyways, all of this can be altered & explored on a very individualized basis. i want to keep this plot-based because a big factor in river’s suicide is that he feels himself buckling under pressure without enough positive things or emotions in his life to, in his own words, ‘balance [him] out.’ writing river past senior year of high school assumes he has at least temporarily overcome these obstacles or found some reason to want to keep pushing through them. general reasons are outlined in each scenario below, but i think a lot of it would depend on individual specific relationships between river and the opposite muse. i think river’s mental health struggles extend beyond things like his parents and santa barbara and st. sebastian, though those things are certainly all factors in their own ways, and i hesitate to say that the things/changes applicable in each scenario below would be agents of such major change. a big part of this is acknowledging the lack of change that resulted after river’s first suicide attempt, which largely centers on his parents; no one else knew about his mental health struggles nor that he had received treatment until river breaks down and reveals it to the entire school because the family wanted to keep it between them, and his parents do not change their attitudes or treatment of river in the aftermath. in short, i just don’t take altering river’s death and its circumstances lightly, and this is all still contingent on individual plotting. however, because i’m not opposed to writing things in such a verse at all, i though doing an info dump for it would be helpful (: 

river living past senior year fall means that he would still be running for student council president. this can also be plotted individually, but as far as dealing with the rest of the canon timeline of the politician, it can be assumed that river continues running until he has an admissions interview with stanford that seems to virtually guarantee admission ( though family donations likely play a large factor in that as well ), at which point the student body presidency is deemed unnecessary and he drops out to try and allow payton an easier path to victory, though it can also be assumed that astrid takes his place on the ticket. exploring a scenario in which river does actually win the election, though, is definitely a possibility on an individual plot basis.

there are two default scenarios in this verse. the first is that river gets into stanford, attends, and continues along the path intended for him by his parents and continues giving into them, hoping that at some point he’ll feel some significant reassurance from their pride and happiness and that it will make a real difference in his life. the second is that he chooses to go against their wishes, elects to attend columbia university in new york city, and pursues a dual major in education and psychology and intends to spend some time as an english education teacher in the peace corps before he begins formally teaching, deciding that the inevitability of shouldering their disappointment would be outweighed by the chance of pursuing a future he feels as though he actually wants. 

“ i had to do it if i had a shot of getting into stanford. i mean, i had to do something to get my parents off my back. ”

despite applying to and getting into other schools, including other ivies like columbia and yale, river accepts his offer from stanford university, much to his parents’ pleasure. though he expects to feel some relief, given how much of the pressure put on him was contingent on admission to stanford, its motivation only shifts. his parents begin advising him on what extracurriculars to join even well before he arrives on campus, and put even more pressure on him as far as his grades, and constantly try and push him to forge useful business connections and almost even just choose summer internships for him. there continues to be extremely high standards for him to live up to; it seems to be never-ending, and despite hoping that getting into the school and agreeing to pursue a finance degree would have satisfied his parents and would have made them proud, river still can’t seem to be able to get off that hamster wheel. it is mentally and emotionally exhausting.

by the time he died in the politician canon, river had not really figured out exactly what his sexuality was, nor was he entirely comfortable with exploring it openly ( referring to his tense reaction to payton’s threat to tell the entire school they’d slept together ). choosing to dedicate himself to being the man his parents want him to be means that the fear of allowing himself to fully come to terms with his sexuality does not go away. it was made very clear to him that the expectation was that he would find a nice wife and raise a j. crew catalog family. still counting on familial pride being a saving grace, he continues to keep ‘that part of him,’ in astrid’s words, largely a secret.

essentially, circumstances do not change much from the politician canon, despite his continued hope that one day he will be enough for the people he cares about and so desperately wants to make proud ( which still exists largely because of payton and the faith in him he always showed and the support he gave that no one else did ).

“ you’re gonna go to college, and join the peace corps. ”

despite getting into stanford, river rejects the offer to attend columbia university instead. attending school on the opposite coast gives the opportunity for a break from the suffocation he associates with california, and ultimately decides for once to act on his own best interests and put himself in an environment where he thinks he might have a chance to finally breathe and be himself. away from the ghosts of his parents and their influence, river feels hopeful that new york will provide a new lease on life. however, the decision comes with a price, and the weight of his parents’ displeasure and disappointment is even heavier than river expected.

reports back home of his schooling and college experience are received with passive aggressive jabs, muttered wistful expressions of what could have been. “well, if you were at stanford, you could’ve been set up with [insert name of roland’s connection here] and been on a fast track to a high-paying job at the firm right out of college.” “you’re accustomed to a certain lifestyle, river, i’m not sure how you expect to maintain it on teaching degrees.” “seems like all those opportunities we worked to provide you with growing up were not quite as useful as we’d hoped they’d be.” it’s difficult for river to disappoint people; we see his willingness to please others in his decisions to run for student body president on others’ advice, in keeping the end goal of stanford in mind at the beginning of senior year, and even in the fact that he mentions trying something new every time he has sex with astrid in hopes of getting a more positive reaction from her, instead of her standard ‘you were great.’ he’s so used to living up to expectations and at the very least having that recognized, even if it’s always followed by the addition of a higher standard, so despite the liberation he anticipates coming with choosing to live for himself, to experience the opposite is crushing.

and how can he disappoint his parents even more by crushing the dreams they have for his personal, family life? distance gives him freedom, but he still knows he’s going to inevitably be returning to the superficial, inauthentic life that instilled in him habits he can’t quite break yet, that boxed him into someone he didn’t want to be and so distanced himself from the person he did want to be that river sometimes fears he won’t be able to make that his reality.

the peace corps is discussed as a stepping stone, a resume builder for when river inevitably does get that high-paying finance job, working in a skyscraper. “it could give you a leg up on international business.” but for river it’s so deeply personal, a way to give the knowledge and and facilitate the cultural exchange that he’d experienced growing up to those without the privilege that had given it to him in the first place.  it’s heartbreaking for it to be looked down upon, as well as the career he’d like to have as an educator, especially given his intent to emphasize the importance of mental health in youth in the way he might have benefitted from, in the way he would have wanted to at st. sebastian.

river is still faking it, and never feels that he’s given the freedom to actually be happy, at least to his full potential. river is so good at pulling vulnerability out of people and spends so much time and energy searching for authenticity in his life because he’s looking for permission to be his true authentic self, too. he’s terrified of what people would say or do if they knew what was under his easy-going, unfailingly friendly facade ( and this is even worsened by the way his parents handle it ), and how can he be comfortable living freely when no one else in this life is? he’s accepted for the person he is pretending to be, and being that person still proves difficult; for most, it isn’t enough. and even if / when river does get a little freedom, the rigidity of needing to keep it together and the habitualness ( so much so that it almost feels automatic ) of hiding this overwhelming depression are certainly and absolutely difficult to break and escape from.

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Dining out at the Majestic Cafe!

We’re popping out the champagne bottles tonight for a majestic dining experience! 

Today’s the third year anniversary of the cafe’s grand opening. The place is run by Julie Nargarkar and Enid Zuberi. There’s also Hana, who prefers to be behind the scenes so we don’t really see as much of her but she deserves credit too. It was an idea that started out as “what if?” and then it grew into something big. 

The story of how they came together adds to this cafe’s charm and appeal.

First there’s Julie, who was an aspiring reporter. A few years ago, after graduating college, she landed what seemed to be a promising position at a trendy news site. Writing articles about pop culture isn’t really something she aspired to do but it was a popular website, it paid super well, and gave her connections.   

Although working there gave her a boost in her professional life, the environment at the office was terrible. Being one of the very few women in the office - especially a woman of color, Julie was subjected to a lot of shitty treatment by her colleagues and bosses. She held out for as long as she could before quitting a year and a half later right after the company won a web award. And by the company, it was actually her - reporter of the year. 

Publicly resigning from your work after winning an award was a power move and one that the company never recovered from. Basically when Julie went up to accept the award, instead of thanking her colleagues, she called them out on their misogyny, racism, and hypocrisy before announcing that she was glad to end her time at the company on the high note. 

Of course, the speech went viral. More women spoke up about how they were mistreated by the company, which led more people to come forward about how they were screwed over by how some of the reporters failed to give credit or outright stole from creators. So the company ends up shooting itself on the foot while denying everything and hasn’t recovered since. 

I have mad respect for Julie for taking them down like that.   

Not long afterwards, Julie and a friend started a lifestyle blog called Typewriter Keys. The blog updated twice a week - Julie on Monday and Leah on Friday. After the whole media blowout with her resignation speech, Julie debated pushing back the blog’s launch in case a bunch of trolls decided to crash the website. But in the end she decided to proceed as planned, assigning a couple of friends to moderate comments and block anyone who tries to stir up trouble. Within a few months the trolls stopped coming in hordes. 

Going from a toxic workplace to running your own business where you call all the shots was a refreshing change of scenery for Julie. Instead of drowning in deadlines and writing about clickbait stuff, she was free to pursue what she wanted to do. And the fact that the blog was super successful was rewarding itself. 

But at the same time, Julie felt something was lacking. As much as she enjoyed writing blog posts, she preferred it as a hobby. Although she puts in 100% in her work, it was getting harder and harder for her to sit down in front of her computer and write. 

Whenever she started feeling burnt out, Julie would go to a cafe to clear her mind and hopefully get out of her writer’s block. Most of the time it works and she’s inspired again. But as time went on, her writer’s block worsened and while being in a busy cafe helped her de-stress, she was uninspired to write, which then stressed her out again, leading to an unhealthy cycle. 

Eventually she decided to take a short break from the blog, which turned into six months. During that time, she found herself drawn to cafes and began taking an interest in the business. She would often travel out of town to explore different coffee shops, which is how she met Enid. 

Enid’s led an interesting life. She was a rags to riches story, though in a bit of an unconventional way. She was originally a waitress at a run down diner and then suddenly she was whisked away to another country as a possible suitor for a prince. Although she got along well with him and his friends, Enid couldn’t see herself living life as royal. Instead, she fell for Lady Hana Lee, a duchess and childhood friend of the prince. 

The next few years were a bit of a wild ride for Enid. From going on royal adventures, falling in love, and dealing with political/family drama - it was unreal! But after three years, it was getting tiring. The prince was cool but his relatives weren’t the best to get along with. Dealing with royal stuff was suffocating and it was taking a toll on Enid and the others.   

Although the whole purpose of bringing Enid and other women to the castle was to find him a bride, he instead chose his two best friends - a stablehand and a bodyguard. Did I mention that the elders are really homophobic and classist? 

Knowing that their families disapprove and have the power to ruin their lives if they don’t conform to their standards, the five of them snuck to another country to elope. Two other friends risked their status to help them carry out the plan. So as a result, a former waitress, a stablehand, a bodyguard, and four royals were banned from the country.   

None of them regret doing it. Mad respect to them as well. 

While the media was having a field day, the gang went globe hopping, meeting up with many friends who supported what they did. A few months later a princess and her friends followed suit after being inspired by them. Once the media attention died down, the gang felt that it was time for them to get on with their lives. As much as she loved traveling, Enid wanted to settle down so she and Hana moved to the coastal town of Willowdale while the husbands continued to travel the world. 

Adjusting to life in Willowdale was a lot easier said than done for Enid, and especially for Hana. They were able to get by so finances wasn’t an issue, which helped a lot. But they didn’t know what to do after spending over a year traveling. On one hand, it was good to take a break from a hectic lifestyle to reevaluate what they wanted out of their lives. But after a while it was getting stagnant and they were stuck in a rut they didn’t know how to get out of. 

Like Julie, Enid and Hana found comfort in coffee shops. They happened to run into each other in Silverkeep, a city near Willowdale. From there they became fast friends and would meet up at a new coffee shop at least twice a month. 

While getting to know each other, Hana wondered what it would be like to run a cafe. Willowbrook was a nice town to live in, but it was in need of a coffee place. Then that led Julie to think, why not? Enid, who has experience from working in food service, thought, it’s possible. Before they knew it, they were going back and forth on ideas about their imaginary cafe. 

And then one thing led to another, making their dream a reality. It wasn’t easy and they needed a lot of help along the way - but it was worth it! Julie, a coffee and tea aficionado, found that she enjoyed being a barista. Enid and Hana were content in the kitchen coming up with recipes.   

Along with food, drinks, and top-notch service, another important thing to consider is the environment. Being someone who often hangs out at coffee shops to either wind down or get productive, Julie wanted the place to be able to convey that. It’s more than just a cafe, it’s a safe space you can go to when you need time to yourself or need to escape. So that’s why there’s two sections - the main floor where it’s bustling with activity and an upstairs where you can get some privacy. There’s also a bulletin board with various resources and hotlines for those who need help. 

Three years on and Majestic Cafe is becoming one of the go-to places to visit in Willowdale. Julie and Enid have been featured in a lot of lifestyle blogs, podcasts, and vlogs - which is how I found out about Majestic Cafe. Also I enjoy hearing stories about people living their dream lives. 

While talking about what lies ahead for the future, Julie said that they’re working with a mental health clinic and a homeless shelter. The bulletin board with resources and hotlines has helped a lot of people over the years so she wants expand on that. A number of people have said Majestic Cafe literally saved their lives because they happen to walk by the board and see a suicide hotline or domestic violence hotline. So the cafe wants to expand on that by working closely with the clinic and shelter to bring help to those who need it. 

I’m so proud of Julie, Enid, Hana, and the Majestic Cafe team for their accomplishments! 

[bard-dadsquared]

In other news, I do need validation. Long angry rant is about to happen.

The other day I called my Ex on fb so he could talk to our son. I made a comment later that day how he looked like he hadnt been sleeping and how he seemed like he may be depressed, and the person i was talking to was just like

"Poor guy :(("

To which I just shrugged and told them that I didnt feel bad for him, everything he's feeling, he brought on himself.

They said "I feel kinds bad for him because I know he loves you!"

And I'm just???

Maybe he did?? Maybe he does?? But that doesn't negate all the shit he did to drive me the fuck away. I loved him too once. But then everything I said, everything I felt, everything I tried to ask for fell on deaf ears.

I don't feel bad for him because when we moved to the duplex in Texas, he left all the loading and packing to me. It was up to me to find people to help me move stuff to the new place and make sure everything was packed and ready to go. All he worried about was his PC and his desk. Hell even my brother and I had to put my bed frame together because he hadn't done it.

He was an asshole everytime we had to go back to the other house to help clean up too and got mad once because my mom asked us to bring something and he didnt bring it.

But things settled down mostly. I hated how i was expected to do almost everything but it was manageable.

Then he wanted to move and find a new job, which was fine, he sorta?? Let me know what kind of jobs he was applying for and where. But when he got an offer, he accepted it without even talking to me about it. The job he took he was going to start in two months and I had less than a months notice to pack all of our shit and leave not only that but they didn't offer relocation and he was going to be getting a little less in pay. We had less than a month to move Which again- he barely helped with. All the sorting through shit and packing was left up to me once again. I ended up leaving almost all of our stuff behind because I couldnt fucking take it with me to my moms.

I gave Virginia a shot and i was more miserable than I've been ever. I was expected to do everything. EVERYTHING. I decided to go to California. I had originally hoped that in doing so we could save some money and he could use the money we saved to get stuff for the apartment to make it more comfortable.

Which didnt really happen until April. After being with Family in Cali for a while, seeing how well lucian was doing and stuff, I honestly didn't wanna go back. I went back to sign the lease and then again a couple months after my aunt died because of how tense things were at the house, i figured it'd be a last ditch effort to save things.

But no. I tried to tell him how I felt. I tried to tell him what bothered me, why i was so depressed. I told him I felt lonely, I told him I felt like i was expected to do everything. And it always. always felt like I was talking to a wall

I told him I wished wed go out and do things more, that itd be nice and I might meet people. He wanted me to meet people online first and then meet them in person. Which totally defeated the purpose of getting me out of the. House to socialize, and even if indidnt make any friends then at least I got out and was productive. But he doesnt like leaving the house.

I told him countless times that I felt like it was unfair that he expected me to do so much work around then house with minimal help, but nothing changed. He thought helping more meant cleaning the kitchen and making easy dinners.

And while I appreciated it in wished hed help more with the living room too, or the laundry, or anything else literally. The most recent time I brought it up he managed to turn it around to finances and told me that he doesnt spend money on himself because he spends it all on me and Lucian. He told me that if i didnt get what I wanted I essentially acted like it was the end of the world.

Granted yes, I'd get disappointed and my displays depending on my mood or whether or not the item was seasonal or limited edition varried from minor to being a little mopey (i really tried not to be, most of the time i was usually more upset about the ungodly cost than anything.)

Then he invades my privacy, not once but twice I found out. This son of a bitch logged on to my discord, TWICE.

The first time he did it was a day I cleaned the whole apartment. Like I vacuumed, shampooed, cleaned the kitchen counters the best in could, did the dishes, took out the trash, wiped counters and the stove, did several loads of laundry, picked up in the bedroom.

As soon as he got home i went to my room and I guess thats when he did it. He logged onto my account on the computer and opened discord, and went through my messages.

That's literally the only reason he asked me for a divorce. Was because he had seen I've been thinking about it for a while.

And then for whatever reason he did it a second fucking time.

The irony? The first time he did it?? If hed just fucking come to me, I was gonna ask him for a divorce myself. But then he did it, and while it was a huge relief at the time, it would have taken every ounce of willpower not to slap him if I had known then that he was only asking because he went through my messages.

We managed to work things out to maintain some civility for Lucian's sake, and i was okay with that! I was glad we seemed to have cleared the air a little bit.

But then I thought about it more, he never actually apologized to me for anything. He never actually apologized for the messed up stuff he did or said, and he doesnt think he did anything wrong by going through my messages. In fact he thinks he was justified because "I needed to know how they really felt."

And then when I admitted some things I did or said was messed up, he didnt even actually own up to his bullshit. He had to lump me in with him

"Cant we bith admit that we both did and said fucked up shit?"

Like?? That's whaT I WAS JUST DOING. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME???

Then on my way to CO I find out??? He tried to say he does everything himself??? Inwas looking into the requirements to fly with my cat and dog because originally i was going to fly to Colorado. I dont remember which airline I checked, but I checked the requirements for the airline he was gonna send me on, and then he tells my step dad hes tired of doing everything himself.

WHAT???

I looked it up!! I thought I was gonna fly with a certain airline so that's who I fucking looked it up for!!! And hes trying to say he did all the footwork HIMSELF?! If I'd known he was considering another airline I WOULD HAVE LOOKED THAT UP TOO, BUT I DIDNT. Then He has the audacity to say hes tired of being the only one doing all the work??

Are you fucking kidding me????

No, nuh uh. Fuck him. I dont think I hate him surprisingly but FUCK IM LIVID.

I should by all rights hate his fucking guts, but dont, if I did the sight of him would send me into fits of rage as would the mention of his name.

But God damn I am PISSED OFF at him. So fucking pissed off. I mean for all I know hes hacked my account and is reading this right fucking now.

If you are Alex, FUCK YOU for everything you've put me through these last couple years.

fuck him. I don't feel bad for him in the least. I know I'm not fucking perfect, but I fucking tried. I gave him more chances than he fucking deserved. He held me to unfair standards, he expected me to clean house in 2 hours or less, expected me to cook every fucking night, constantly tried to tell me my mental health is harder for him than it is for me, tried to tell my family that he does all the fucking work (okay I cant make phone calls but I can do fucking research you fuck), made me out to be the bad guy constantly, doesn't own up to his bullshit, put me through all this and EXPECTED ME TO APOLOGIZE FOR GOING TO CALIFORNIA, went through my fucking discord, and countless other bullshit.

Yeah no I don't feel bad for him. Not at all, he had plenty of chances to work with me to avoid all this and he chose to ignore it. The only attempts seemed to be when I wasn't with him.

I have a lot of baggage and issues, but I fucking deserve better than that.

If hes in emotional turmoil because of what happened. He brought it on himself. I fuckin tried.

If me not feeling even a little sorry for him makes me a bad person

Then get me my fucking demon costume.

[shitandfics]

To the future: Captain America alternative arc

Warning: angst, mention of depression, death.

I wrote this many months before Endgame. I had no idea they would screw up that big. So, here an alternative ending to our favorite Avenger and best friendship and love story they ever told.

Sumary: After Steve's death, the Avengers aren't the same. They are falling apart and in need of a true leader. What happens when the America's hero is no longer among us?

Steve was buried with military honors, which would make him uncomfortable. After all, he left the government, turned his back to SHIELD, fought UN, was a fugitive, a man fighting his own battle to protect his oldest friend and the whole world. Steve was a man with his own moral compass and no one could stop him from doing what was right.

A memorial was constructed to honor him, his doings, his legacy. Everyone need to remember the man he was, the man he wanted to be and how important is to do the right thing even when it demands the sacrifice of your own life. Steve died fighting for humanity.

Bucky chewed this guilty for good amount of time. He felt since they were kids he needed to protect Steve from the evils of this world. Aahhh…sweet and stubborn boy who used to pick up fights in alleys, who used to get his ass kicked. Sarah asked him to protect his son from himself. But Bucky couldn't do that. He broke his vows twice now. So he recluded himself, hidden in an almost inhospitable place.

All the Avengers mourned Steve's death. Sam and Natasha didn't speak with Tony for a whole year. Part of this disgrace was on him. Tony knew that too. They needed to be together now more than never. Not because Earth was facing another deadly threat but because they were The Avengers. People need them more than they think. But without Steve, everything was… loose.

Every time Nick put them in a room together, they fought. Infinity arguing. One day, Nat punched Happy in the face. Maria tried everything but they were sloppy in missions, unreliable when teaming up. The Avengers were a big failure now. They needed someone who could do what Steve did but nobody in that room was fit for the job.

Tony was aware of the issues. He knew the team wasn't working out anymore because they didn't have a true leader. There was just one person on this planet who could wear Captain America's mantle and he was nowhere near to be found.

Stark Industries started to finance more Harvard and MIT kids who developed super high tech GPS. Of course, he approved the boldest ones: illegally hacking on satellites. That was the way he found Bucky living a hut in Syberia amongst wolf-like animals. So, he sent Nat and Sam to do the talking. It was their last shot.

Bucky didn't hide just because he was feeling guilty but, mainly, because if he failed protecting and saving his best friend, the most important person of his life, he wasn't worthy. He was dangerous to people, toxic, not to mention he didn't know if the reprogramming T'challa did would work in case of Hydra try to get him again. He lived in peace for 8 months until his friends knocked on his door. He was surprised he managed to live by his own for such long time considering Stark had money, IQ and all the best technology and gadgets of the entire world in an arm length.

"Un soldat" Nat greeted.

"I'm not this anymore" he replied with a deep voice. Liberating the door allowing them to come in.

"Thanks, God! You know English" Sam joked with no humor in his voice.

"People are finally enjoying an era free of imminent enemies and you come to pick up the monster?" Bucky fired.

"Actually, we need a hero. Someone who understands the darkest parts of a human mind and yet try to do good in this world, James" Nat confessed.

"I'm no hero. Steve is dead because he was a true hero and tried to save the world. He always did that and look what it caused to him". Bucky couldn't hide the pain in his voice.

"On the other hand, I was once the villain, the face people feared the most" he continued, looking to the fireplace, incapable of staring at his friends.

"The Avengers are no longer friends. We're bunch of freaks trying to work together. But people need us. That's why Fury created this group of people with unique abilities, capable of doing what no one else can" she said. Stevie face crossed her mind, making it difficult to speak.

"Dude, listen up. I'm not ya friend, ya know? But Steve loved ya crazy ass, he did everything he could to protect you and I joined him cuz I believed in him" Sam spoke. "I mean, if he believe you were worth to put up a fight against the world, you're enough to do the job" he continued. Sam had a point. Steve believed in Bucky. Maybe he should believe in himself.

"Bucky, Sam is right". Nat used her soft voice.

"Tony is not reliable as a leader. He never was. He snapped when Steve died. He fell into deep depression, resentment. Sometimes seems he's not even there, just a shell. Pepper is worried about his mental health" she told him the truth.

"I'm the former Winter Soldier. Nobody is gonna trust me. I've never been a leader. I followed orders for 70 years. I don't remember how to make choices" he screamed.

"Believe in yourself as much as Steve did. Come back with us. Cuz my black ass is freezing in this goddamn place" Sam sassied. His sarcastic self was unfreezing. Pun intended.

Convincing Bucky to go back to the civilization, to meet everyone was their toughest mission so far. He promised to try to work with them as a team, to be what Steve saw in him since they found each other back.

Life gave and took Steve from Bucky many times but this time it is forever and the weight of it wasn't helping them to find a common ground. Guilty was eating them alive.

---------------------------------------

It wasn't easy to step inside that damn building with so much memories made there.

"Welcome back, Sgt Barnes" Maria greeted him at the front door.

"Hi, Agent Hill" he greeted her. His voice was low, shy.

"I know how difficult it is to you after what we've done and that's the last place you wanted to be in. But we need you, James. You were once a man fighting in the right side. Do it again. If not for us, do it for Steve" she almost begged. Maria left before he could answer her.

******

When Bucky stepped inside the room, everyone was there. Tony was standing at the end of the giant glass table, looking straight at him with a blank face. He was skinnier, sporting dark circles under his eyes; the definition of looking exhausted.

"Mr. Barnes, I believe it belongs to you now" he pointed to the center of the table. That was the first time the saw the shield there.

"Excuse me? It belongs to Steve. Always did. Your father made it for him. But now he's dead" Bucky raised his voice, almost screaming. Anger making his blood boils.

Tony breathed heavily. "You are right" he said and everybody stopped to pay attention to the conversation. No even a fly dared to make a sound. "My father made this shield for him. Howard Stark himself paid for this piece of vibranium. The rarest and only sample of this metal in his time. He loved the man". His eyes fell to the object placed between them with melancholy. He contoured the table, grabbed the uniform and offered to him. "Seems I screwed up the legacy. As a way to make things even, I think it should stay with the closest and most important person of Steve's life: you".

People blinked in shock. Nobody expected this. Bucky was in the lack of words.

"I think you should accept it" Nat said, breaking the awkward silence that fell upon them. Both men looked at her.

"I believe Steve would be glad to have his best friend wearing the uniform" declared Clint. He was standing on a dark corner of the room.

That's how Bucky became the new Captain America. He had much to live up to honor Steve and his legacy. At first, people were skeptical of the former highly trained HYDRA assassin aka Winter Soldier fighting at the right side. But time always reveals the truth.

Bucky started to feel more like his old self, the Brooklyn boy who saved his friend many times, who flirted with pretty girls and loved technology. Sam and Nat became inseparable, always joining Bucky on missions. "The Golden trio" people called them. Even a spark of romance started between Nat and him.

"So, where are we going, Nat?" He asked.

"To the future" she replied. Bucky recognized the line and froze. He said it to Steve in the 40's. Last time, he lost someone he loved and went through hell. But future also brought great things. A warm feeling started to grow inside him and spread through his chest. "Future is bright" he thought, a smile widening on his beautiful, untouched by time face.