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copperbadge · 5 years

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shirokou replied to your photo “Taking this photo is the last thing I remember doing on January 5th,...”

I had no idea you were still recovering, sweetie. I'm glad to see you're doing better, but keep taking it easy as you heal. Do you have someone close to check up on you to see how you're doing? Do you have a follow-up appointment with your doctor? I know Dr. Deebs and Dr. Polka-dot are taking care of you! ^^! *gentle hug*

Oh yeah, I have friends who are checking in, and also coworkers. They know if I don’t show up and don’t call in that they need to check on me.

And I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I’m not still under a doctor’s care! I had a check-in last week where I was cleared for everything except running and heavy machinery, and tomorrow I have a check-in to get cleared for running. “Heavy Machinery” usually means driving, for most people, and since I don’t drive that’s not as much of an issue.

bonnie131313 replied to your post “Holy shit I am dying, you guys. This morning I was reading about...”

way back (possibly still) all the higher ups had to be able to walk into any McDonalds in their country and do any job in the place. When I was in High School I saw the guy in charge of every McDonalds in the northeast USA mop the lobby because a kid spilled a soda and the rest of us were busy. It was a horrible job but I was kind of impressed by that.

I’m pretty sure it’s still in effect, but I think for corporate particularly it’s not as, uh, strenuous as it used to be. It’s like “Okay, this week you’re going to spend an hour or two each day on the floor” kind of a deal. At least that’s my impression.

amairawrites replied to your photo “Taking this photo is the last thing I remember doing on January 5th,...”

I’ll be honest that I’m more curious about how the kitties have responded to your concussion than how you’ve dealt with it.

I don’t know that they’ve really changed behavior much, to be honest, perhaps because home is where I’ve changed behavior the least. When I’m at home I’m usually sitting quietly anyway. :D The first 2-3 days they were pretty clingy and concerned, like they clearly knew something was up, but after that they more or less reverted to normal behavior. We’ve spent more time on the bed, because the heating pad helped with my sore muscles from the fall, and they love the bed so they’re quite happy about that. But by and large, home life is not too altered.

figtreeandvine replied to your photo “Taking this photo is the last thing I remember doing on January 5th,...”

If you haven't already, go see a doctor again. Your word issues sound like a less severe form of my mother's aphasia--she had a stroke almost two years ago. She can speak grammatically but almost all nouns are gone--which makes actual speech...difficult. An MRI might help locate organic damage. Speech and/or physical therapy could also help.

They warned me that I might need therapy if the TBI was bad enough, but the checkup last week said that while it’s clear I’m still having issues, they’re fading about as rapidly as would be expected of someone of my age and general health. After tomorrow’s check-in I won’t have another for six-ish months unless I notice a decline or a stall in the healing, but I should be good to go.

starkwest replied to your photo “Taking this photo is the last thing I remember doing on January 5th,...”

I feel you on the words issue. I've learned not to talk much in public. I get strange looks or people filling in the words. The meds I have to take make word memory so hard. Image association and deep breath back tracking helps somewhat. Your description of 'six degrees' is spot on. Good luck. I hope it improves for you soon.

What’s so interesting is that it’s only an issue when I’m talking -- when I’m writing, occasionally I’ll mistype a word (”might” for “my” or “attendee” for “attendant”) but I at least have all of them at my command. When I try to connect brain to mouth, something just goes awry. It’s like having a word on the tip of your tongue, like it’s not a NEW sensation, it’s just a much more common one than normal.

mangy-mongrel replied to your photo “Taking this photo is the last thing I remember doing on January 5th,...”

I would now like to put safety corners on all of your furniture

I mean, you’ve seen photos of my condo, it’s COVERED in pillows :D The doctors gave me a four page SUPER CONDESCENDING but understandably-so pamphlet about preventing tripping hazards in the home, and really “not to trip over my own goddamn feet” is what I need more than anything, sadly.

tehnakki replied to your photo “Taking this photo is the last thing I remember doing on January 5th,...”

LAWL. Oh Sam. Welcome to the brain-fucked-up club! It sucks =) Personally I agree with the super blasé emotional acceptance of injury. I've made my mom and friends cry by how casual I am about my death but *shrug emoji* it just doesn't bug me.

Yeah, I would think I’m not traumatized because I don’t remember it, but the fall isn’t the scary part for people, it’s the fact that I don’t remember it. But it’s not like there’s a gap, per se, or a blank space. There’s just a seamless transition from “taking a cute picture of Polk” to “waking up and feeling dreadful”. It’s like how you don’t normally remember the moment of falling asleep, only that moment lasted an hour and a half.

pinglederry replied to your photo “Taking this photo is the last thing I remember doing on January 5th,...”

it’s weird reading about your word struggles bc that level of struggle is my regular adhd baseline. Was your concussion injury to the frontal lobe area?

I honestly don’t know. From the sound of it my brain just got bounced around my skull; they only did the CT scan, so I don’t think they could tell which part was actively bruised. But it would make sense, I clearly fell face-forward, and most of the bruising and scrapes were on my forehead, left cheekbone, left ear, and the area just above my left ear.

junker5 replied to your photo “Taking this photo is the last thing I remember doing on January 5th,...”

I know you probably don’t feel “lucky” but you really are. I love how you deal with things both realistically and with your patented Sam humor. I’m so glad you are recovering, and so sorry you had such a crazy scare! In January no less!

I do feel lucky in the sense that since it happened I’ve read about a couple of people who fell over while drunk or passed out while high, bashed their head on something, and bled out before they regained consciousness. Living alone does come with that kind of peril. But I also think, you know, I was lucky to survive it and the odds of it happening again are quite low, in theory, so my guardian angel probably isn’t done with me yet :D

yee-jun replied to your post “Holy shit I am dying, you guys. This morning I was reading about...”

Oh Boy! What A Way To Advertise A Vacancy!

I pictured this being shouted enthusiastically by a guy in a sweater vest with a pipe between his teeth, I’ll have you know :D

#reply all #shirokou #bonnie131313 #amairawrites #figtreeandvine #starkwest #mangy-mongrel #pinglederry #junker5 #yee-jun #tehnakki

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theydontknowaboutusimagines · 5 years

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Outside the Rain - Harry Styles Series (Part 20)

Part 19

You groaned as you threw the remote to the opposite side of the bed. Being bedridden for over two weeks meant that you’ve practically seen every single thing on Netflix, you wanted, and now trying to find anything to watch was a struggle. You tried reading, but you couldn’t focus. Your Mom was still taking care of you and it was nice, but she was getting to be annoying.

The swelling in your knee had gone down, but it still hurt like a bitch. Your surgery was scheduled for the end of the week and while you couldn’t wait for it, you were also super nervous. The near future of your career as well as the girls, depended on the outcome of this injury. A decision had still yet to be made about the upcoming tour, but you knew it most likely wasn’t looking good.

You just hoped everyone was okay with postponing it by a few months. You hated that this happened, you hated that you would be the reason to halt this comeback, but you knew if the doctor said you couldn’t tour, your manager was not going to let you tour. You hadn’t really spoken with the girls much other than a few texts here and there.

You weren’t sure if that was them keeping their distance because they’re upset or if they were just trying to give you space to heal and rest. Either way, it still hurt you. Another issue that was going on was there was something off with you and Harry. Ever since that last night with him, he’s been acting distracted. Phone calls were kept short and sweet, texts were the same way.

You knew he was probably worried and he felt bad about not being there to help take care of you, but you could tell there was something else going on just by the tone in his voice. You had no clue what it could be or if it was something you said or did. And sitting there with no distractions, only having your thoughts, was not the best.

“Hey, honey,” your mom smiled walking into the bedroom. “I brought you some soup and a sandwich.”

“Thanks,” you sighed sitting up on the bed.

“How are you feeling?” She asked placing it on the table next to your bed.

“I’ve been better,” you sighed.

“I know you’re over this laying in bed thing, but just a few more days, maybe another week and then you’ll be able to move a little more,” she said.

You nodded and started nibbling on your sandwich.

“Have you spoken to Harry recently?” She asked. “Do you know if he’s coming for the surgery?”

“Um, I think so,” you said. “At least, I hope so. I sent him the information.”

“Is everything okay there?” She asked. “I mean, it just seems like you two aren’t really speaking to each other much?”

“Oh, we’re fine,” you said. “He’s just busy and then letting me rest. That’s all.”

She gives you the look of unsureness, but doesn’t question you any further. You force a smile trying to stay optimistic about it. If your own mother could sense something was up with your relationship, then there probably was something going on.

Harry was having his sister over for dinner, while he was in London. Not only did he want to see her and spend time with her, he also had something he wanted to talk to her about. He knew he was probably overreacting and he definitely was making it worse by acting the way he was towards you. He kept telling himself you wouldn’t notice because you were probably sleeping or binge watching Netflix, but deep down he knew that you were wondering what was going on.

It was halfway through dinner when Harry finally decided to bring it up.

“Gem, I need some advice,” he sighed.

“So, that’s the real reason you cooked dinner,” she joked.

“Ha, ha,” he rolled his eyes. “But seriously, I need... advice from a girl’s perspective.”

“And naturally you thought of me,” she raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I wasn’t going to call Mum,” he said.

“Good point,” she said. “But why didn’t you just ask your girlfriend?”

“Because it’s about her,” he sighed.

“Okay,” she said. “What do you need?”

“Why would a girl keep a photo of her ex boyfriend in a clothing drawer with no other pictures?” Harry asked.

“Huh, I was not expecting that,” she said. “I mean, there could be lots of reasons. Maybe it’s been there since they were together and she just forgot about it. Or maybe she just wanted to keep the picture because it was from a good memory? Or- honestly I don’t know. Why did you snoop through her things and find one?”

“First of all, I wasn’t snooping,” he said. “I was getting her some joggers to wear after she hurt her knee and I found a photo of her with her ex in the same drawer. I know it’s probably nothing... but I couldn’t help but feel like maybe it was something. If this guy broke her heart as much as she said he did, why would she want anything like that... and why hide it away in a drawer unless she didn’t want anyone else to find it.”

“Well, did you ask her about it?” Gemma asked.

Harry looked down at his plate of food, “No.”

“Harry Edward Styles,” she groaned. “You’ve got to be bloody kidding me! When did this happen? Like two-three weeks ago? And you haven’t brought it up to her? You are such a dumbass sometimes.”

“Gee thanks, feeling the love here Gem,” he said. “Part of why I didn’t bring it up is because I didn’t want to like upset her potentially when she’s already dealing with all this.”

“At least that’s what you’re telling yourself,” she said. “You and I both know it’s because you’re afraid of what the answer might be on why she still has it. You’re worried that she still has feelings for him or did have feelings for him recently, etc, etc.”

He doesn’t answer, which basically confirms her theory.

“Look, the only way you’re going to feel better about this is if you talk to your girlfriend about it,” she said. “And you should also prepare yourself for getting an answer that you might not like... but I mean, do you honestly believe that she still has feelings for him?”

“No, I don’t,” he sighed. “I know she loves me and wants to be with me... but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t also love him, too.”

“Can you not throw yourself a pity party just yet and wait until after you talk to her?” She sighed. “You’re going for her surgery right?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t not be there,” he said.

“While that’s technically a double negative, I get what your meaning and I’m glad you’re still going,” she said. “But I probably wouldn’t bring this topic up until she’s not on pain meds and the two of you can have a proper conversation.”

“Well, I’ve waited this long, what’s another couple of days, right?” He joked.

Gemma rolled her eyes at him before going back to finish her dinner.

You were at the hospital getting prepped for your surgery and Harry had yet to arrive. You hadn’t spoken to him on the phone in a few days, so you were starting to worry about him actually coming. You couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t come, though. Either he was running late or something super important came up... or he was just really upset with you. But still it didn’t matter what it was, you couldn’t believe he wouldn’t be there for you on a day like that.

Your parents were there and keeping the girls in touch with everything. You had met with what seemed like every doctor in the building ever since you had arrived. They each went over the procedure and what it would entail. What recovery would look like and the of course, taking another MRI to make sure everything was good to go.

You were hooked up to an IV and now it was just a waiting game until the start of surgery. You could tell your parents were also wondering about Harry’s whereabouts, but neither of them brought it up, not wanting you get you worked up. However, you were already there, while you were concerned as to what is was you had done to cause the weirdness between you and Harry, you were mostly pissed at this point.

You needed him there and he was nowhere to be seen. Not even a single text or phone call. When the nurse came to take you to the OR, you knew he wasn’t coming. Sure he might show up after or once you’re home, but you wanted him there before you went in. And it wasn't there.

Your parents gave you kisses on the head and well wishes before the nurses pushed your bed out of the room. Just as the nurse was pushing you down the hallway, you heard a voice from behind you.

“Wait! Y/N! Please, wait, Excuse me,” they called out.

The nurse stopped and turned around. You peeked behind her, seeing Harry standing there with his bags and out of breath. A smile spread across your lips as he walked over to you.

“I’m so sorry,” he sighed. “My flight got delayed and then we to stuck in traffic.”

“It’s okay,” you said. “I’m just happy you made it.”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” he whispered. “I’ll see you when you get out, love.”

“I love you,” you smiled.

“I love you, too,” he whispered kissing you quickly before the nurse finished pushing you down the hallway and through the doors leading to the OR hallway. Harry sighed turning around seeing your parents staring at him both with unhappy expressions on their faces.

It was going to be a long couple of hours.

Slowly getting back to writing! :)

#One Direction Imagines #Harry Styles Imagines #Outside the Rain

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discjockeyetc · 4 years

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How I Got Here: One Year (and 85 pounds) Later

On October 14th, 2019, I began a journey that would change my life (and my health) for the better. I’ve told the whole story to a few people here and there, but never really put the whole thing down in to words. I figured the one year anniversary would be a good time to do that.

On October 14th, 2019, I weighed 250 pounds. As I’m writing this today, on October 14th, 2020, I weigh right at 165 pounds.

With that, here’s what happened, and how I got here... one year (and 85lbs) later.

It all began on Friday, October 11th at about 12:00pm. I was working from home, Jill was at work, and Turner was at school. Sydney had been dealing with a nasty body rash, so we had kept her home from school. We were dog sitting Jill’s parents’ dog Goldie, so Sydney and I were standing on the patio watching Goldie and Freddie play in the backyard. As we were standing there, I suddenly felt this rush of numbness take over the entire left side of my body. From the top of my head to my toes. Total numbness. My left hand felt like I had been sitting on it for a half hour. My mouth had that sensation (or lack of sensation, as it were) of just receiving a shot of novocaine from the dentist.

This was, as you can imagine, pretty strange, so I quickly gathered the dogs and Sydney and went back inside. I sat back down at my desk while the episode was happening. After about 60 seconds, it stopped. Just went away. I didn’t pass out or get dizzy or anything. I didn’t get droopy-faced or drop anything I was holding. Just numbness (with a little tingling).

It would happen a couple more times that afternoon and each time would last about the same amount of time; about 60 to 90 seconds or so. I had a wedding to do that Saturday (which I was NOT going to miss) and had multiple episodes of this random numbness throughout that day and night.

That Sunday, we made our annual pilgrimage to Burt’s Pumpkin Farm and Hillcrest Orchards, and it would pop up a couple times that day. All in all, from Friday around lunch time to Sunday night, I had probably 20 of these little episodes.

[Quick important side story: I made two BIG mistakes here, and I’m not afraid to admit them. Mistake number one: I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this, so I did the stereotypical “male” thing and swept it under the rug. I had a wedding to do, and we had our pumpkins and apples trip... and I didn’t want to miss ANY of that... and I absolutely would have. Mistake number two: I didn’t really tell Jill what was going on, and that’s one of my biggest regrets in ALL of this. I needed to tell her, but I didn’t really mention it until Sunday night. This is a mistake I will NEVER make again... and I only share this as a testimony for all married couples on what NOT to do in serious situations like this. We had just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary... and even though we’ve been married a good long time, I still got this wrong... but never again. Okay... back to the main story]

I didn’t have a primary care doctor at the time, so I figured I’d go to the urgent care near my house first thing Monday morning. Now, I realized that an urgent care can’t “fix” this, but I had to start somewhere, right? After I described what I experiencing, the PA did all of normal cognitive tests (”squeeze my fingers”, “What year is it?”, “push against my arms”, and so on). The PA went to talk to the main doctor at the primary care, and while she was gone, I had another episode. I popped my head out of the exam room to let them know. No sooner than I did that, the PA was returning from her conversation with the doctor... and they were ready to point me in the direction I was seeking. That direction was the emergency room.

Jill and I were both working from home that day, so I reached out to her and let her know that I needed to go to the ER. The urgent care wouldn’t let me leave on my own, so I either had to take an ambulance, or have someone come pick me up. Jill ran right up to the urgent care, and off we went to the hospital.

I showed up at the emergency room VERY nervous and unsure about what would happen, but I explained what was going on, and they checked me in. Remember, this was pre-Covid, so I was able to get in with no issue and very little delay. I reached out to my work supervisor to let him know what was going on and that I’d be away from my desk for a while. All good there. I was taken back to the ER area and got the ball rolling.

After my vitals were taken, tests were immediately ordered. Luckily, the BIG tests (MRI, CT scan, heart ultrasound) appeared to be normal. *whew* Good news there. I also did the whole gauntlet of blood and urine tests. Now, I always knew that I was pretty overweight and that my eating habits were NOT good. I was also expecting my blood pressure to be less than spectacular (whih it was, of course). I hadn’t taken any medications for cholesterol or BP. This was mainly due to a condition that Jill and the ER nurses referred to as “manitis” (aka male stubbornness). %100 guilty of that FOR SURE.

While all this is going on, I would have a couple more episodes of that same numbness while sitting in an ER bed.

I wouldn’t end up talking to him until later in the day, but the Neurologist who ordered and reviewed my tests instructed the staff to inform me that I would be admitted to the hospital right away. That’s when the fear REALLY sunk in.

I was taken to a room on the fifth floor and got settled in. The IV was installed, and I got “dressed” in my gown. Private room, too. Not bad. They continued to monitor my vitals... especially my blood pressure which was still far too high. I was started on a drip and began taking medicine to help my BP.

The Neurologist came by to tell me what he believed was going on. In his estimation, the numbness was probably caused by blockages in microscopic veins/arteries (NOT a stroke or a series of mini-strokes), so, this was welcomed news. Blockages are treated with cholesterol medication (something I figured was coming at some point).

It was around this time that another person (a nurse, I believe) came in and said something to the effect of “Oh, and by the way... you have type 2 diabetes.”. Wait, what??

The results of the blood work I had done earlier showed my A1C level was WAY WAY WAY too high. If you’re not familiar with A1C, it’s a three month average of your blood sugar. A normal, healthy person’s A1C is probably 4.5 or so. Mine was 11.1. As my work supervisor said, I should have been in a diabetic coma! That’s an incredibly high and dangerous number. So, not only did I begin treatment for high cholesterol to help ease these numbness episodes, I immediately began treatment for type 2 diabetes. This included regular insulin injections throughout the day... in addition to the medication I had begun taking for the blockages.

The meds I was taking for the numbness seemed to have worked. I had one last episode around 5:00pm the day I checked in to the hospital. And now, exactly a year later, I haven’t had another one since then. I was told that I would stay the night in the hospital for further observation. If my BP could get under control, I would be able to go home... tomorrow. I was spending the night in the hospital.

I’m not going to lie. I was incredibly scared at this point. How would I explain to Turner and Sydney what was going on? How long would I have to stay here? Am I going to be okay? What’s actually going on? The questions were swirling. Jill brought the girls up to the hospital that evening and I explained to them, in plain english, exactly what was going on. They understood, which is good... because I didn’t want to hide anything from them (or Jill) anymore.

A new journey was already underway.

After Jill and the girls left for the night, I had a little bit of a meltdown. Okay, maybe two... but they were interrupted by the constant flow of nurses coming to poke me with needles. I’m a good patient, though, and complied with all of the instructions I was given. The way I figured, if I followed instructions and did what I was told, I would get to go home sooner.

It worked. I was ultimately discharged at about 5:30 on Tuesday... about 36 hours after arriving.

I met with a diabetic counselor to start the learning process (which is ongoing until this very day). I started on insulin while I was in the hospital and began checking my sugar (finger pricks) 4 times a day. I also made an appointment with a new primary care doctor for later that week. I was on my way!

After meeting with my doctor (which I’ve done regularly for the past year), I was able to get on a path to wellness. I used to eat absolute garbage... and HUGE portions of it, too. I also dropped the diet coke right away. To this day, I still don’t take in ANY caffeine. I immediately went low/no carb, low/no sugar, HIGH protein. I did have to drop beer, which is sad. I really enjoyed my nice, locally crafted IPA’s, but they have WAY too many carbs. I switched to bourbon, though. A suitable replacement, if you ask me. Ha ha! All throughout this process, I found that I have far more self control and will power than I ever imagined. At the risk of sounding cliche’, if *I* can make these changes, literally anyone can.

In more recent days, I’ve found that I can take in a bit more carbs (and even some sweets) and still keep my sugar under control. I still can only eat smaller portioned meals and get full much quicker than I used to. I’m good for usually one big meal a day (usually dinner). I still keep the carbs way down, though. I’ve been able to learn how my body reacts to certain kinds of carbs and adjust my meals based on that. For instance, pizza doesn’t really affect me too terribly bad. French fries, however, aren’t as good. It’s stuff like that I’ve had to train on. It’s been a lot of trial and error, but in the long run, it’s worth it.

It hasn’t always been easy. There were plenty of times where a delicious piece of cake was waved under my nose... or a big pile of french fries were put in front of me. It was that fear of poor health that kept me away from those things, though. It was the motivation of wanting to walk my daughters up the aisle at both of their weddings. It was the notion of growing old with Jill, holding our grandchildren, and living a FULL. Once I found that motivation, it got easier.

Early on in the journey, I would do things that weren’t so smart... like purposely withhold meals. I would say I wasn’t hungry, when in truth, I was afraid of food. I’m not proud of this and it’s definitely NOT the way to go. But you have to understand... I was making a complete 180 degree change in my lifestyle, and I didn’t really know what I was doing. There was also a medication had the main purpose of controlling my blood sugar levels. One of its side effects was that it would completely zap my appetite. That also caused me to skip a lot of meals. These days, my appetite is much better and healthier, and I rarely ever skip a meal. If I do, it’s because the previous meal was on the bigger side.

In the months that followed, I would make regular visits to my new doctor (which I still do to this day... about every three months). I have also been able to adjust my medication to almost nothing. Eventually, I was able to drop the insulin (and later, the metformin which is a popular drug for diabetics). I still take one pill to control my sugar as well as medication for cholesterol and blood pressure.

The main thing that’s helped me was diet... because I HAAAATE exercise. Definitely not a fan. I admit that I probably would have gotten much further much quicker had I done literally ANY kind of exercise, but it is what it is. These days, I could probably stand to do some kind of exercise just to tone up what I have... and what I have is still kind of a “dad bod”... it’s just 85 pounds lighter than it used to be. ha ha!

I’ve had to get a completely new wardrobe, too! I went from a 40 inch waist to a loose 34 (33 would be perfect). I was squeezing into XL sized shirts (2X in some cases)... now, I’m mostly wearing size MEDIUM. Depending on the brand, LG shirts are sometimes a bit too loose. I tell ya what... the clothing part ALONE absolutely blows my mind! I had taken MANY BIG BAGS of clothes to a local thrift store. Also, we took Turner and Sydney to Old Navy a couple weeks ago to get new pants for the fall. While we were there, I decided to try on a couple shirts. You see, Old Navy doesn’t make clothes for people like me (or like how I used to be). The occasional XL sized t-shirt, maybe. But generally speaking, Old Navy wasn’t my store. Well, not only was I able to fit into a shirt, it was MEDIUM sized... not even large! Not gonna lie...I teared up a bit. That was a moment for sure. I brought home about 6 or 7 new shirts for the fall that day. I mean, wow.

I’ve been writing this blog in my heads for several months, and I feel like I’ve gotten everything written out, so I’ll wrap this up. I never knew how miserable I was before until I actually got healthy. I feel better now than I ever remember feeling. I’m sleeping better (and not snoring anymore, according to Jill), I have SO much more energy, and life, in general, is just.... better.

As of today, I’m 85 pounds down, my blood pressure and cholesterol are at normal, healthy levels, and most importantly, my A1C is 5.0... well below the diabetic range. Even though my numbers are good, I’ll *always* be a diabetic, so I’ll always have to be careful about what I eat.

Thank you to everyone who has expressed their congratulations. It means a lot... and hearing “Wow, you look great!” never (NEVER) gets old.

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habibialkaysani · 5 years

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okay so. a lot has been going on lately and I haven't had much time to be on here or time in general. now that the week is over tho things are starting to die down hopefully. and like I do with work emails I'm gonna just write a list, of all the things that have been going on, because I feel like my brain is about to explode otherwise.

lots of rambling, potentially triggering stuff under the cut:

1) pain. so much pain. I thought I'd moved past this endo thing, or at least that the pain was contained because of the meds the gyno gave me plus the progesterone that was definitely easing the pain for a bit during the month. but the ones my gyno gave me, they can only be taken during my period and mine isn't starting. so I've been in agony, like in so much pain, and the only relief has been a hot water bottle and codeine. and I don't want to take more days off when I've already taken sick days this year - which is not like me, at all. but potentially that might not be an issue for a while if I end up having to work from home. and in terms of addressing the root cause of the problem, that's unlikely, because the mri I had of my pelvis came back normal. no indications of endometriosis which I expected because this shit doesn't show on ultrasounds or mris. I do think there might be a chance it shows on a transvaginal ultrasound but they outright refuse to do that which really fucking pisses me off bc it's on the basis of me never being laid before which as I've mentioned is ridiculous.

2) speaking of. this motherfucking coronavirus is doing my head in. seriously i had to order hand sanitiser for the office and it still hasn't arrived. I did manage to get a few masks but god those were expensive. and just generally it's all anyone will talk about at work which is driving me nuts. and what makes it worse is that I'm going out of my mind thinking about speedy and if she gets it, because she's got a heart condition and her immune system isn't very strong even for regular flu. this shit will hit her hard and I'm terrified of that esp after hearing boris fucking johnson saying in his speech that people are going to lose loved ones. I don't know what I'll do if I lose her. actually I have an idea and it would not be good. I spoke to my brother who is a healthcare professional and he said that it's best to get in touch with the cardiology team that look after speedy to see if we can do anything preventative or get her tested.

3) in better news, my brother just announced to our family that he's getting married. already its causing arguments and his fiancee comes from a more well off family (the bar is low tho admittedly) so we're all gonna be scrambling to get our tiny house somewhat in shape for when my bro's future in laws visit in a couple weeks. but it's still good news I think because my bro is smitten and that's just nice to see. his fiancee makes him happy and that's something I'm really glad he found. they want a small wedding too so hopefully we'll have like 200 guests max, which would be sacrilege in any desi household lol.

4) I've been looking for a new job for a while now. things at work have been tough, ever since my old manager gave in her notice. I don't mind my current manager all that much, but she's in hr, and she's clearly never managed anyone before because she is nowhere near as good a support system as my old manager. I could go to my old manager and complain about something and she'd listen, and she actively made an effort to monitor my workload. this new one, she just doesn't put the same effort in and she also just doesn't understand the role I'm in either. she seems to think the job I do is easy and straightforward when it is neither, on the basis that she thinks admin is something anyone could do, and she does nothing to try and ease things when my workload gets heavy. plus my managers manager who is also in hr is just really not nice. she enjoys a power trip way too much. that and the fat cats that are our clients - well suffice it to say I think my time here is up. so I've been looking and I found a nonprofit that was hiring. I did my first interview with them and it went surprisingly well. and now I've got my second one next friday. I really hope that goes well too and that I get the job, just so I can see the look on my managers managers face when I give in my notice 😂 and this new job if I get it would be five fewer hours and I think that could do wonders for my wellbeing. and my sanity.

5) writing. I've done none of it. it's a problem. I don't know what to do to make my mojo come back because I write the best when I'm alone, and I'm never on my own nowadays unless I'm in bed in pain, in which case writing is the last thing I feel like doing. but I also really want to write. so badly. I feel like I'm emotionally more stable when I'm writing. I'm happier. and I just do not have that right now which is not fun.

6) reading - now this is something I have done. my dear friend reen recommended a series of books called reluctant royals, by alyssa cole, and omg. they are so good. I powered through three big novels and two novellas. like I devoured them. and I'm being reminded of how much I love books. good ones. they made me laugh a lot and I'm really glad my friend recommended them.

7) speaking of devouring. a few weeks ago I found on several occasions that people were offering their seats to me on public transport, presumably because they thought I was pregnant. it was this combined with my doctor admitting my bmi wasn't normal (tho only when I asked if this might be causing the pain) that made me realise that I needed to lose weight drastically, and to eat better and walk more. so I've been eating more veggies and salad. trying to put more greens on my plate. not have fast food as often. in all honesty I'm not sure how much of a difference its actually made, but I do know that I feel a little better having done so over the last few weeks. my brother also said I looked like I had lost weight. I've also noticed it a little in my tummy going in a bit too. but I also know that this is a rabbit hole I don't want to go down too far. I worry I might have already with the weighing which I've been doing far too often now that there's scales at work (for weighing big packages). I don't want this to spiral out of control. but I think I've done okay so far, minus the weighing thing - I've always eaten when I've felt hungry so it's not like I'm starving myself. and so far I've only lost about 3kg. which I feel is significant but also nowhere near enough when it comes to the nhs bmi calculator.

8) my little brother has been acting up for months now, and tbh it's starting to give me anxiety. my mother found weed in his room and he's just been rebelling in what I see as normal teenage ways like smoking and staying out late, but it's also affecting his school and I'm worried he won't leave with decent a levels bc he already failed once. and his school keeps emailing my dad about him supposedly being absent, and my dad's response to this for about two months now has been to post a screenshot of each email into the family group chat and demand where my bro has been. it doesn't help. and I don't need to be notified every time he skips school or whatever like that is not my fucking problem to have to see when I'm at work and have enough stresses as it is. my dad is an idiot and honestly some days I would dearly love to punch the man in the face.

9) I start my group therapy in a couple weeks. it’s for generalised anxiety and I am really, really hoping it will help me because the other group therapy I’ve done previously, like a couple months back, has proven to be really helpful. here’s hoping.

10) if anyone is still reading this far - I realise this sounds a lot like I'm feeling sorry for myself. maybe I am to some degree. but my life is just a lot right now and I'm genuinely a bit shocked I'm still in one piece and that I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet. everything is a lot and I feel like I'm going through a lot of change. that's hard. but I'm trying my best to get through this and I hope somehow I can. I actually left tumblr for a bit because for various reasons I didn’t feel as safe talking about my problems on here, through no fault but my own really. I’m hoping I’ve moved past that now.

#me.txt #personal #body image cw #ed tw #work tag #desi tag #uterus tag #long post for ts #tmi

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talanarende · 5 years

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So I'm having something of a health crisis, on top of the chronic pain that I normally have. In early Nov, right after my bday I started having much higher pain levels for no apparent reason, higher and a different kind of pain than I ever had before - burning/stabbing pain completely different from arthritis in all my joints, especially hips and knees, muscle cramps from my pelvis down to my knees and constantly flaring sciatica. I figured it was just a temporary flareup as I tend to have now and then, but it never went away.

I kept having level 8 pain all day every day, even with meds. my pain dr increased the dosage of tramadol I was taking when I saw her at the end of January, - I wanted to increase the Lyrica too, to help combat the nerve pain, but she didn't want to make more than one change at a time.

So that was slightly better, but only a little. Then on Feb 5th I collapsed at home and my legs just...suddenly stopped working. I was sitting on the couch in my usual spot when I had to go to the bathroom, so I stood up and immediately crumpled, I fell and literally could not get up. I could barely crawl, and wasn't able to pull myself up on anything as my legs couldn't bear my weight at all. I waited a few hours but it didn't go away, just kept getting worse, and my roommate finally called the ambulance.

In the ER they found I had pretty severe rhabdomyolosis, in a blood test my muscle enzyme count was 11,000 - way off the charts, normal is 200-250. they did some xrays and CT scan, and later an MRI which showed I have a bulging disc which is causing at least some of the pain and weakness, between the slipped disc and some stenosis it's putting a lot of pressure on the nerves there. they had me start working with PT, but I was in so much pain I could hardly move, and having muscle cramps in my thighs and the backs of my knees whenever I tried to stand. they gave me a muscle relaxant which helped with the cramps, and a steroid injection in my back the day before I was discharged to rehab, but it made things worse instead of better. I never actually hit level 10 pain before this, but I have now and let me tell you, it is not fun.

I was in the hospital for just over a week, released to rehab last Thursday (a week ago). things are going very slow and rough right now - I'm okayish, pain level about 6-7 when I am lying down or sitting still, but still about a 9 when standing or walking, so I can't really make much progress until they fix my meds.... in the hospital they cut my tramadol dosage in half for no apparent reason and wouldn't fix it even though there was an existing script for 8 tablets per day.

I also had been taking the Lyrica for anxiety more than pain, but they think the rhabdomyolysis was caused by a rare reaction to Lyrica, so I can't take it anymore. switching back to gabapentin means much better sciatica control but it does very little for the anxiety, regardless of the dosage. instead of helping find an alternative for the anxiety, the hospital changed my antidepressant from Cymbalta to Zoloft, again for no apparent reason. the only thing I'm taking now for anxiety is clonodine, and it's at max dosage.

l did see my regular psych nurse who handles my mental health meds yesterday and she decided to leave me on zoloft for now. she was also able to put me back on gabapentin, not for my levels of pain but for anxiety. so that (gabapentin) is still a half dosage too, but it's better than nothing.

once I finally got ahold of my pain dr and let them know that I was in the hospital and heading to rehab, unable to take Lyrica anymore, my dr decided to keep me on the same dosage of tramadol but the rehab centre refuses to give it to me as written - my dr said i could take 3 in the morning, 3 at night, and 2 in the afternoon, but rehab insists on dispensing it as 2 every 6 hrs, which is WAY less effective, and I told them so.

but apparently they can't fix anything else without written orders from the dr and the dr can't do that until they see me again - I have an appt on the 27th, and then can straighten out the remaining issues with the dosages, but in the meantime I'm making very little progress in PT, and wont really be able to make more until the pain is less.

when I stand, there is an explosion of pain at the site of the slipped disc/injection which radiates briefly to each side of my lower back, then up my spine and down my legs, a sharp burning.

when I then go to take a step and try walking with the walker (because I can't even put any weight on my legs, too weak, they buckle with excruciating pain), every step feels like an ice pick stabbing at the base of my spine, even though I'm barely picking my feet up.

so none of that can begin to be resolved until my appt on the 27th, and in the meantime they are completely wasting their time getting me to do small, incremental things that both hurt and have no effect, nothing really will until my pain levels come down.

so I'm hanging in there, but frustrated - and I need to call medicaid today and make sure they know I'm in rehab and likely will be for the foreseeable future, make sure they have it covered. the last thing I need is more medical bills when I have no income or savings and couldn't possibly make any payments.

as far as the slipped disc and pinched nerves there, there is only so much meds can do, and I may need surgery. I have an appt with a surgeon in Butte on Monday to evaluate that, seeing my regular GP on Weds and an appt with my pain dr in Great Falls on Thurs, so hopefully in the meantime it won't be too bad.

I haven't been able to write or even read much, brain's too crowded with anxiety about what is happening to me - worst case scenario, I could be permanently stuck in a wheelchair now, even surgery might not help. we can't tell at this point how much of the pain and weakness is from the sciatica and the rhabdo, and how much is because of the slipped disc and stenosis. depending on the true source of the problems, physical therapy can only do so much to restoring function either, so.... we just don't know yet how much mobility I'll be able to get back, if any.

so we'll see what happens! cross all your fingers and such 😒💜❤️

#real life #health #personal #life sucks #what even is my life

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calamity-bean · 5 years

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heaven forfend i get into the habit of actually using this site as a journal, but i’ve obliquely vented a bit about this before anyway, so fyi here’s the bullshit that’s been going on with my stupid skinny easily-damaged wrists

Back in early May, I started having sharp, severe pain in the undersides of both wrists as a result of overstressing them while weightlifting and HEMA fencing. When the pain hadn’t improved after a couple of weeks, I went to the doctor, who basically blew me off and told me to just take it easy till it got better. But it didn’t get better! In fact, despite my best efforts to self-manage with OTC meds and braces and compression, it slowly got much much worse! Eventually SO much worse that my forearms were swollen and constantly stinging, the insides of my wrists were just huge red domes that felt full of pressure, and my tendons were so inflamed that they stuck out like thick, hard wires and I could hardly bend my hands backward. It hurt. A lot.

That was fourteen days ago. Two weeks of medication and physical therapy have helped a lot in terms of regaining strength and flexibility, and the pain is no longer constant. Even so, though, it hurts to do a lot of things, and even if doing something doesn’t hurt at the time, too much activity can cause one or both wrists to flare up again the next day. My physical therapist is happy with my progress, but my doctor isn’t, as I apparently should’ve been more healed by now, and while the X-rays showed no problems, they’re worried I’ve got some sort of more serious damage to a tendon or something. So now I get to have an MRI to check that.

At any rate, it’s been about 7 weeks now with little improvement overall. And I know that it’s a relatively minor injury, and I know that so many people deal with so much worse and that I’m lucky to generally have decent health. But nonetheless... it’s painful! It’s annoying! It’s making a lot of basic everyday tasks difficult and often prevents me from doing a lot of stuff I enjoy! Like drawing, because gripping things (such as pens) has been really uncomfortable lately. And needless to say, I haven’t been able to fence. That one’s been really upsetting, to be honest. I miss it so much. And I’ve been haunted by the devastating fear that maybe this damage is permanent and I’ll never be able to fence again. And because I’m a shy, standoffish little kettle of anxiety, I never, like, got any of my HEMA buddies’ numbers or connected with them on social media or anything, so I don’t even have a way to tell them why I haven’t turned up to practice since the beginning of May and probably won’t be back till August. Not to mention the stress of missing a lot of work lately and having to pay for all these treatments and tests.

I’m not a very patient patient, and much given to stressing and to making things worse by being anxious about them. And I’m frankly embarrassed by the whole situation, because it sounds so unimpressive, so WIMPY to be like “uh I hurt my wrists exercising and they just sorta failed to heal?” It sounds like something that should've gotten better within a few weeks and never turned into anything this long-term or severe. But hopefully in another month or so I’ll be back to normal as far as everyday activities, and hopefully even back to HEMA even if I still have to be careful about it. I just honestly don’t know how the situation ever got this bad and am really so ready to be done with it.

#d0nt rebl0g #me #op #tbd

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strangerdarkerbetter · 7 years

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Life Update

Hello lovely followers,

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been around much lately. I wanted to take a moment to explain what’s been going on and apologize for my absence.

It feels like life has been one struggle after another for a while now. Back in August, I had my first ever seizure. While doing the follow up for that, it was discovered that I have a pineal gland cyst. I remembered going for MRIs a lot as a kid because of a brain cyst, but I couldn’t remember if it was a pineal cyst. So, I began the adventure of trying to get a copy of my medical records that were over a decade old in another state.

In September, I got sick, very sick. When I finally sought medical attention, it was determined that I had urosepsis (a blood infection that had started in my urinary tract). I was given very strong antibiotics and sent home. I spent the next few days in a painful haze. Everything hurt. I couldn’t think straight.

I slowly recovered over the next month or so. It was weeks before I was able to stim again.

Then came October. As leaves drifted to earth leaving bare branches that signaled the coming hibernation and a cold chill settled into bones, I threw myself into Halloween. I worked tirelessly to craft a costume good enough to distract from the specters that hung in the air, painful remnants of Halloweens gone before.

The Saturday before Halloween, I broke. I spent most of the day sobbing. I huddled on the couch with my darling love. He held me as tears coated my face and distant ghosts shone through my eyes.

That night we went to our friend’s Halloween party. I was determined. We Would go.

I spent most of the evening in the bathroom desperately scrubbing off the makeup that had turned out so poorly. My skin grew sore, a rosy hue shining through the remaining blue.

Sean found me and brought me home.

I don’t really remember the next few days. I spent them altering between dissociation and desperate, wracking sobs.

November, I fought to find myself again. I started new meds. Changed meds. Changed meds again. I wrote out my feelings and tried to process through trauma. I fought and kept fighting.

December was, quite frankly, a shitshow.

Just as I was starting to do better, Sean had a mental break of his own, one of the worst of his life. We got into a car accident. We were fine, but our car had a fair bit of damage. This meant that I had to find people to drive me to work as that is our only car.

On top of this, something was wrong with me. I couldn’t place it. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t upset. I just couldn’t think right. Thinking was hard. I was getting confused easily. My memory was getting worse than usual (which is pretty bad).

Then, I stopped sleeping.

At first, I wouldn’t fall asleep until two or two thirty. Then three. Then four. Then five. This wasn’t working so well with my work schedule which requires me to be up by seven.

Oddly, though, I wasn’t tired. Staying up all night was kind of enjoyable. I didn’t feel bad. I just wasn’t tired and couldn’t sleep. But I wasn’t tired during the day either. I was sleeping two to three hours a night but I was more awake than when I had been sleeping six or more hours a night.

One day, as I tried to calculate how much more was needed for rent, I found that I couldn’t do basic math in my head. Math I could easily do by the age of seven was now a struggle for me. It finally clicked what was wrong. Difficulty thinking. Difficulty doing basic math in my head. Difficulty finding simple words. I was having cognitive difficulties.

Insomnia. Cognitive difficulties. Memory problems. I started to search for answers. I called my psychiatrist wondering if this was all related to my new antipsychotic. She didn’t think it was but lowered my dose and had me start taking it in the morning. It didn’t help.

Suddenly, it clicked. The pineal gland produces melatonin, the hormone responsible for sleep.

A few weeks prior, I had finally gotten a hold of my old medical records. The old MRI reports showed that this was the same cyst we had followed up on when I was a kid.

The pineal gland is typically 7mm. When I was a kid, my cyst was 14mm. Now, it’s 21mm. It has grown by 7mm and is now three times larger than the pineal gland itself should be.

Pineal gland cysts are pretty common and are often found incidentally or as part of an autopsy. Generally, these cysts are asymptomatic and of little concern.

However, over 80% of these cysts are less than 5mm. Anything over that is likely to cause symptoms, including the ones I’ve been experiencing.

So, it’s looking like, in the coming months, I am going to need brain surgery to remove the cyst.

Friday, I finally got some sleep meds so I’ve started sleeping again. My brain still feels like mush. My executive dysfunction has gotten pretty terrible. It’s still hard to think clearly. I’m getting overwhelmed easily.

To everyone who has sent in an ask or sent me a message, I’m sorry if I haven’t responded to you yet. Talking to people, whether in person or online, has gotten really hard and overwhelming. I’m going to try to do better at responding to people.

TLDR:

August- first ever seizure

September- sepsis

October- mental breakdown

December- car accident, husband’s mental breakdown, discovery that I’ll need brain surgery

Basically, life has been really tough and I’m sorry to everyone I haven’t responded to

You are all so wonderful. Thank you for all the support you’ve given me. I hope to become more active soon. For now, know that I’m thinking of y’all and I’m doing my best to get back to people as I’m able to.

#actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd #actuallyschizoaffective #spoonie #chronic illness #chronic pain #seizure tw #sepsis #brain cyst #pineal gland cyst #pineal cyst #brain surgery #surgery #sabrinapoststhings #sabrinagetspersonal

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ghostofasecretary · 7 years

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so the pain feelings are probably the easiest and most grounded, let’s have those first

it really, really annoys me that i have chronic pain. i mean, yes, chronic pain is annoying, but i am annoyed at the specifics of my chronic pain because fibromyalgia is a...complicated diagnosis at best, one i am not sure really exists at worst, and one i would rather throw myself into a fire than get slapped with again.

(possibly do not read this if you are diagnosed with fibro, i think your pain exists and effects your life but i don’t quite think mine is and have Feelings about fibro as a diagnosis that i can’t assess and in this post i make some statements that may be distressing. if you’re sensitive to people dismissing pain, even if it’s their own pain, uh, maybe just skip this one)

i think the pain of other people i real and my own is not, sometimes, which is really stupid and i don’t agree with it, but there the thought is, being a thought.

legitimate vs illegitimate pain is one that is often framed through the lens of sexism and while that is probably reasonable, it also makes me curl into a little ball of dysphoria. i don’t want to think i was effected by sexism while i ran the medical gauntlet, and even if i was i don’t...ugh. sorry. no. i don’t want to.

fibro is basically the diagnosis for “we don’t know what’s wrong with you and you’re probably crazy and/or whiny and/or Don’t Real.” i’m not even sure it’s better than no diagnosis. also i am crazy, it’s on my chart, i don’t...i don’t want another thing that makes me more likely to be dismissed.

in my junior year of high school (well, from August to...April? stuff tapered off around the end of February) i had headaches that ranged from irritating to extremely distracting and mildly painful every single day. i say “mildly“ painful because i have had several severe migraines in my life, and while the aggregate suffering of daily aura and varying forms of pain in my temples may have been equal to the multiple days where i would have to be lying down in a dark room that was quiet as we could possibly make it, but even that didn’t quite help because my heartbeat was too loud, the daily experience was...not that bad. i also had some other symptoms that sucked!

these may have made the aggregate That Bad, idk. i was also pretty suicidal at this point, which kind of clouds my memories.

i was really nauseous pretty much constantly. i had aura pretty much constantly. i got diagnosed with chronic daily migraines, although they were atypical.

my hips and knees hurt a lot. my back hurt, my neck hurt, my shoulders hurt. sometimes i didn’t feel like i could walk well at all and i limped. i sat down often. my hands hurt and writing got painful for the first time. i was very tired.

i did some really stressful things in junior year that were made a lot worse by having headaches constantly and being tired and in miscellaneous pain and feeling like i was going to throw up. i had a really bad night one time where everything in my body was pounding and i ached and cramped and felt like i was on fire and also had a migraine i would class as a Real Migraine, complete with high-key pain and horribly present nausea and blackouts and floating dots. it was really hard.

i had a bunch of tests done re: headaches, including an EEG and an MRI. i asked for a full panel of bloodwork because i did not know what was happening and whether there was a cause. (fibro does not have a known cause, although it is sometimes speculated to be “stress” or “mental illness.” thanks, medicine.) there was no detectable underlying cause, but i did get some helpful medication after a lot of trial and error and several months of waiting. by several months i mean about half a year, but, well. what can you do.

(also, i had SO MUCH ANXIETY about diagnosis and i both was terrified of having RA or lupus or cancer or something identifiable and i desperately wanted something fixable. i also had FUN FUN FUN ANXIETY about being a Bad Patient, about whether asking for bloodwork and being upset over not having an underlying cause made me look like a hypochondriac, about whether the fact that i didn’t exercise as much meant i was Destroying My Health even though exercise hurt like a motherfucker and made every part of daily life difficult, etc, etc)

senior year was much less bad, pain wise.

headache meds really helped my other symptoms! yay! it’s also possible i developed a better pain tolerance*? i did have noticeable and distracting pain while typing during senior year but a carpal tunnel diagnosis is not terribly useful and trying to get diagnosed and not getting anything would probably have crushed me.

going to a chiropractor was moderately helpful but also painful, so...eh?

exercise was really, really not. it’s supposed to be, although the studies used to support that are kind of sketchy, but it was not helpful. it might be helpful now but i would not bet on it.

(one time in junior year i tried to stand up and pace around for an hour, to see if i could do it. i wound up having to lie down in bed for four hours. lying down because of Pain sucks and it feels so stupid and shitty and boring, and i knew i probably shouldn’t have stood for that long while it was so uncomfortable but i wanted to see if i could. i could, barely, but it was not worth it. and it’s so stupid, i feel so petty, i stand up for seven hours every day now and i don’t hurt that much, why did i...? surely it couldn’t have been that bad, surely i was making it up.)

sleeping more did help a little.

* i don’t feel like i developed a better pain tolerance but it might be worth noting two things.

one, after a while i got incredibly fed up with noticing my pain and all the stuff on the net about fibro being psychosomatic and not having any reason to feel bad aside from my headaches which also didn’t have a Real ReasonTM, i decided to ignore pain. pain? what’s that? i don’t have that. banging my elbow makes me ache for days? lol, no it doesn’t. it...i mean, i think it helped. not thinking about my pain All The Time defnitely helped, although the Denial might be less than great.

two, even though i really do feel like i have a shit pain tolerance my feet were literally bleeding because of my shoes in DC and i did not take any action about this until K and R told me to. it hurt, but not, like, a lot.

possibly i have a better pain tolerance.

...

anyway. recently during my work as a barista, my hands and wrists and forearms have been quite annoying. my wrists keep sparking when i pick up milk cartons or shake whip cream and i have to do those things many times during the course of a day. it hurts to close my hands and they’re usually very stiff but probably not clinically stiff. my tendons seem...unhappy...but fuck if i know. i sleep in wrists braces every night and have for years, i ice my hands and wrists at least once a week, typing is still hella painful and i don’t draw or sew very much anymore and i cannot shake the conviction that there is Nothing To Be Done and also that i am feeling my nerves dying every day. which. uh. not great.

(and also - my ankles hurt all the time, i stand up for seven hours a day, what do you expect? my back hurts, so what, everyone’s back hurts. sometimes my knee wrenches but idk, man, it does that.)

i can’t tell what’s a reasonable, measured reaction, what’s abject denial, and what’s overwhelming anxiety and desperation to have anything that isn’t The Fake Special Snowflake Disease For Special Snowflake People.

according to the Mayo Clinic, “See your doctor if you have persistent signs and symptoms suggestive of carpal tunnel syndrome that interfere with your normal activities and sleep patterns. Permanent nerve and muscle damage can occur without treatment.” uhhhhhhhh

tingling and numbness have occurred for the past two and a half years, although they’ve gotten much worse recently. i haven’t been woken up because of it, but, like. if i woke up every time i was in pain i would be awake a lot. weakness hasn’t really happened yet. pain is, y’know, kind of a thing.

i’m vaguely worried that i could have more things ala tendinitis but no way am i going to think about that too hard.

options:

continue ignoring everything. this one looks very stupid but i am tempted. if i think i need carpal release surgery i could try to get it then, otherwise i’m pretty much doing okay on prevention and am doing decently at ergonomic support. if i get told to ice my wrists or something i will scream

go to a doctor. a diagnosis would probably make me feel better but also what if i don’t get one, and there isn’t much to be done anyway unless i need surgery which i do not think i do. if i have tendinitis i might get a steroid shot, but really, i don’t think i do? i don’t want to think about it, i am so tired of thinking about my shit body, i don’t want to

go to the chiropractor. this looks like a nice middle balance and i could ask about carpal tunnel in a less serious environment and it might help, but uggggh, why can’t i just...continue ignoring everything. “permanent nerve and muscle damage” sounds serious but not being able to stand without being in a fuckload of pain sounded serious to me in junior year and here we are, with awesome headache meds and a dubiously effective pain tolerance.

at what point does pain interfere with my life? when i notice it? when i start dropping things? when i can’t hold a pencil? idk, man. i d fucking k

oh, yeah, and another thing, my headaches have been..sort of a thing lately. at this point i’m going to have to get a freakin anti-headache earring like it’s a sigil to ward off a demon and/or i will have to get botox shots every three months like a soccer mom desperately sneaking in to the doctor’s office to make herself feel just a tiny bit better about her miserable life and wrinkles, because obviously a 40 year old showing signs of age is A Sin Against Beauty And An Affront To Nature

(note the increasingly bitter and jaded tone of this post. do i sound hysterical yet)

pain is very stupid and i am SO ANNOYED

....probably i should schedule a chiropractor appointment. i shall pester my mom about that now

#emotional sorting #whining #surprise: chronic pain!#ugh that's a lot of feelings #this was supposed to be the /easy/ post #i am a parody of myself #please do not armchair diagnose me #hugs are nice

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jia-rowena-bena · 7 years

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Not so yay. The story

I'm gonna tell a story. As I sit here filled with frustration and a heck load of trepidation I'm gonna tell my story because.. I bet there's more like me. Too many in fact. Not that we can do anything about it.

So. The beginning.

As stated in my description, I was diagnosed with arthritis at two years old. I haven't known a life without it. I had tripped, fallen and had gotten a swollen knee. Suddenly, boom, this kid has a chronic illness. At age 2

The lull.

Meh. I haven't known anything else. That wasn't a big problem. At the beginning. Gave me a great excuse not to do PE. (Yay) Every now and then I would have to go in for a steroid injection from the age 7 up. No big deal. Only really active in my hand's feet and my left knee. Had the first few steroid injections while I was under anaesthetic. It became a normal thing. Ibuprofen was the go to. But it didn't work. My body was resistant to it.

Hmm.

Moved and got better doctors, went on to just having gas for the injections and got over that fun at 14. They then became more frequent and closer together. Went onto naproxen. I'm now in college and do not enjoy cycling in every day. But I'm trying to stay healthy.

Closer.

A few months ago my mum and I got more concerned. I had a swollen knees, it had moved to the right knee now too. Not a good sign. The doctors had been talking about more serious meds than naproxen for a while. Go in. Have a serious chat with my nurse. And doctor. I end up going onto sulphasalazine. Build up the dose to two 500 mg twice a day. I also have the appointment for an MRI of my jaw (I hate HATE MRIs)but whatever. Plus blood tests and contrast for the MRI within a week. Two needles same vein. Not fun. Bruised arm. During this time I had migraines. Nausea. And other not fun side effects. This lasts for a few months till it settles down. I'm finally getting on with life.

Now.

Nurse calls. MRI shows problems. My jaw is damaged. And the active arthritis is clearly shown. Yay. Not. For some reason, sulphasalazine does not help the jaw. Come back in. We'll try a different one. FFS. Side effects for nothing. Or so it seems. And my jaw still hurts. I'm now grumpy.

Today.

I had my appointment. To change the drugs up. Again. I'm now on methotrexate too. Oh yes, too. I get to have a cocktail of drugs. Why have just one right? So on top of the huge ass pills at all times of the day, I now have a needle in my leg once a week. By myself. Oh and folic acid. Can't forget the extra add-on. Didn't want it to feel left out. I had a blood test too. First the methotrexate in my thigh for the first time but now I get to have another on my arm and lose some blood. Oh and this is to happen every two weeks now, the blood test that is. So in a week I now take 36 tablets and one pain in the thigh needle plus blood tests. I'm so glad I'm a student in full-time education. I don't have to pay for meds yet. YET.

The time will come.

Now I have to wait and see if I get more fantabulous side effects from the methotrexate.

I'm now moody. I had a needle shoved in my leg and arm today and no good news to go with it. I treated myself to a Lucozade and a KFC.

Cause if I'm gonna feel like shit today, I might as well eat like shit.

Going to sleep now. Rants over. Thanks for reading. Or whatever.

25/10/17

Much love and support x

#jia #juvenile #juvenile idiopathic arthritis #idiopathic #arthritis #disability #mood #angry #frustrated #diary #story #confession #disabled #disabilties #methotrexate

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mylifeisachronicmess · 7 years

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Finally Getting Somewhere!!

So I finally have an idea of what is going on with my body and why in the crap i feel so awful 95% of the time. Despite me being able to hide it and put on a show most of the time (because everything has gradually gotten worse and i have been able to adapt over time), i feel like i have been hit with a truck almost every day. I honestly, could handle this if i had an answer. Even if i knew this was going to be my life forever, i would be able to figure it out without giving up and letting my fatigue take over. I am aware that this is not a possibility for everyone, but i would be able to accept this and do my best for now. I don’t know what the future may hold if this is going to be my forever, but for right now, i refuse to give up. However, i may finally get some answers soon!

I had my first set of hormone labs done on the 25th of may He ordered a prolactin, testoserone, progesterone, and a TSH to be done on day 21 of my cycle. I got the results back the next day. My Prolactin came back at 48.3. It should be around 24 in a healthy normal child bearing age female. My testoserone came back on the lower end of normal but okay, the TSH jumped from 1.7 to 4.2 in less than a month (so that could be a problem, despite it still being within normal), and my progesterone came back at 9. On day 21 it should be at least 15 if you ovulated, however it wasn’t the most concerning lab result, as it was still within normal as well. So basically everything came back on the low end of normal or high.

I was hoping to hear from his office regarding the labs on Friday, but i didn’t. I am able to see my labs online without hearing from the office, which is how i knew the results. I waited through the weekend and nobody was in on Monday due to it being Memorial day here in the States. I patiently waited until Tuesday to call his office for a couple reasons. I had started my period early and i needed to have the next set of labs ordered for day 3 of my cycle and i also wanted to hear about my labs. Much to my dismay, he is out of the office on Tuesdays. I would have to wait until Wednesday to have the labs drawn (which was going to be day 3) and i still wouldn’t hear anything about results until Wednesday either. However, i did receive a call from the radiology department at my hospital. Apparently, they had received an order for a Brain MRI with and without contrast to look for possible pituitary tumors. They didn’t say why this had been ordered, but i had done my own research and figured it was to look for a prolactin producing tumor to see if that is why my level was double what it should be. I scheduled the scan to be done on June 1st at 1 PM. This was the earliest i could have it done and it worked out perfectly actually.

Wednesday finally came and i was able to get a hold of his office. The MA informed me that there were a couple notes on my chart. One talked about possibly needed some thyroid medication while trying to conceive in the future since mine is out of optimal range. The second note was about the high prolactin level. She told me that i would need to have an MRI to look for the tumor and i told her this was already scheduled. I informed her that i needed to have the next set of labs ordered and that i also have a history of pituitary insufficiency (growth hormone) that i had forgotten to mention to him in my appointment. She was surprised by this and i believe she told him as soon as we hung up. She ordered the labs so i could have them done on time. This time they were testing an estrogen (estradiol) level, and a the FSH level.

I got the labs done on wednesday and the MRI done on thursday. The MRI was interesting. I had it done my someone i know well since we work in the same hospital and he has done previous scans on me regarding my back. He was really nice. He got my IV in one stick and i was so tired from working the night before that i think i just slept through the scan. It was with and without contrast and i do remember the contrast making me feel a little weird but other than that it was a nice little nap.

I was at work on friday and i got a call from my dr’s office asking me to call them back to discuss my lab and MRI results. I was able to quickly walk away and return the call. The MA told me that the FSH came back normal but my Estrogen came back really low, mine is less than 25 and in someone my age it should be at least 40-500 (depending on what part of the cycle you are in). Anything less than 40 is considered to be menopausal levels, this was shocking and upsetting. I am 22 years old why the heck are my estrogen levels low enough for me to be in menopause. She said that low estrogen and high prolactin can go hand in hand so it isn’t that surprising. Maybe not to her, but it was quite shocking to me. She then went on to discuss my MRI results. I didn’t have an obvious tumor show up, but the pituitary gland is somewhat enlarged. It is still within normal limits, but it is definitely larger than it should be for someone my age, not pregnant, and healthy. She told me that considering all of this and taking my history into consideration he wants me to see an endocrinologist. This didn’t surprise me. I have honestly been wondering if i should see one for a while now.

I am very grateful that i am finally heading in the right direction. I am extremely grateful for my Gynecologist who spent 30 minutes with me and has done so much more to help me than my primary care has done in 5+ visits in 2 years. I am so frustrated with him right now as all of my issues could have already been taken care of and under treatment if he would have just listened. I am trying to be patient and understanding. But this is above and beyond my level of giving people the benefit of the doubt. He was so quick to say it was depression, up my meds, put me in therapy and call it a day. Don’t get me wrong, i do think those helped the depression part, but clearly there is more to the story. I am so grateful and appreciative of this dr who seems to really care and want what is best for me despite it being confusing and possibly frustrating for him, i think he realizes it is even worse for me. His office sent out referrals to endocrinologists in the area, we don’t have any in my town, i will have to travel a little ways to find one. I should hear back this next week and get an appointment scheduled.

It is so refreshing to know that there is something more to this. I am not just lazy, i am not just depressed. There is something physiologically wrong and i am truly hoping for answers. I think this is the right direction, i am excited to finally be believed and listened to. I love my new dr. He has done so much for me and he has only seen me once. It is definitely refreshing. I was supposed to follow up with my primary care based on my lab results back in April and i haven’t made that appointment yet. I don’t know what to say. I have a feeling he doesn’t feel the need to see me for a year based on those results. But, based on recent evens i am hoping his mind would be changed. Anyway, i am exhausted and i am going to bed. I am glad i finally have a direction though.

#chronically parfect #chronic fatigue #i am not crazy #this isn't in my head #something is wrong #getting answers #i won't give up #my pcp is dumb right now #frustrated #feel so sick #exhausted #chronic pain #bilateral spondylolysis #depression

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motherlifesucher-archives · 8 years

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The Resident | Shawn Mendes Imagine

(a/n): hello there!! I’m back with this imagine, but as I promised and as you’ve requested, famous (y/n), and Hogwarts Shawn will be back soon 😍🙈. OH AND BTW, i’m not a doctor or anything, I just watch Grey’s so forgive me if there are any mistakes <3.

prompt: Aaliyah needs an appendectomy, Shawn is worried, and (y/n) is a surgical resident.

The ER was way more crowded than usual.

Your shift had just started and you were exhausted. It was almost midnight, and your prior shift had finished just four hours ago, meaning you had spent your time in the on-call room, and of course one of your interns had decided to almost kill a patient, and your beauty sleep had been interrupted.

It was your turn to cover the ER, and of course some drunk idiots had caused an accident, leaving six people injured and ambulances kept making their way. You sighed as you directed your fellow residents and interns to the different boxes. Attendings were nowhere to be seen, making your existence miserable as you could hear some patients screaming in pain. You took a quick look to the emergency room and noticed every bed was being attended except for one; you quickly made your way to the bed where a girl was holding her tummy, and a boy who you assumed was her brother or something was beside her with a worried expression.

The boy seemed relieved when you walked towards them, closed the curtain and took the chart. Aaliyah Mendes.

“Hello, Aaliyah. I’m doctor (y/l/n) and I’ll be taking care of you tonight,” you smiled at her and the boy, who was ridiculously hot. “It says here that your stomach is giving you some trouble?” you asked her and she nodded. “When did the pain start?” you asked her again as tied your hair in a ponytail before washing your hands.

“She complained about it in the morning, but she thought it was going to pass but it only increased during the day, and when we were reaching the hotel she couldn’t even walk anymore.” he answered for her.

“Did you eat something that might have made you feel like this?” you said carefully exposing her stomach before starting to apply some pressure.

“I don’t think so, we ate pizza yesterday and today I ate an apple in the morning, I haven’t been very hungry and I was sure I was going to throw up.” Aaliyah said and the pain was evident in her voice.

You thought you knew the answer to her pain, since all the symptoms matched, but it became apparent when you gently pressed the lower right side of her abdomen and all her muscles contracted as she cried in pain. The boy, who you still assumed was her brother, widened his eyes in worry as he watched his sister, before his eyes quickly found yours, waiting for an explanation to what was going on with Aaliyah.

“Sweetie, I’m so sorry but that’s your appendix.” you sighed as you wrote things down on her chart.

“Oh, you gotta be kidding me.” she groaned when she recovered from the pain she had gone through a couple of seconds ago.

“I’ll start you on some antibiotics for the pain, I’m going to order a CT scan so we can have a clearer picture and know how to proceed. It doesn’t look like we are facing a rupture, but we still have to be sure. After we have the results we’ll know what to do, and it’s very likely that you’ll require surgery.” you informed and the boy looked like he was going to pass out at any minute.

“Surgery?!” Shawn exclaimed. “God, are you sure?”

“It’s a minor procedure, and the cases where the appendix heals itself are very rare.” you said. “I’m going to bring some papers for you to sign, and I’ll come back soon to drive you to your room, okay?” you smiled at the girl who nodded.

You opened the curtains to leave the box when you felt someone grabbing your arm softly. You turned around, not expecting to see the hot boy in front of you. He was taller than you, but someway it felt like you had some power on him since he looked worried, his eyebrows were furrowed in preoccupation and he couldn’t stop bouncing his leg.

“Hey, I’m Shawn, I’m sorry if I’m interrupting you or something but…” he started nervously, but you gently shook your head.

“It’s okay, I’m here to help.” you said giving him a smile.

“Is my sister going to be okay? I called my parents, they’ll get on the first flight here…” he stopped talking since he noticed your confused expression. “We are from Canada.”

“Oh, really? Well, you can tell your parents that she’ll be okay, and maybe you can relax a bit, too? We’ll take good care of her.” you assured him and he let out a deep breath.

“I’ll try… It’s just, this isn’t how the trip was supposed to end.” he sighed.

You were used to see worried people by now, but there was something about him that made a smile appear on your face. You softly placed your hand on his shoulder in a comforting manner. “I’ll be keeping an eye on her, she’ll be okay. Now, go back with her and I’ll bring some of the paperwork and the antibiotics so she can start feeling a bit better.”

“Some of the paperwork?”

“Yeah, we can save the rest for when your parents get here.” you smiled at him, again.

“Right, my parents.” he let out a breathy laugh. “Well, thank you so much.”

“It’s nothing.” you said giving him one last smile before turning around.

You checked that your interns hadn’t killed anyone before collecting some papers and antibiotics, you put them in the cart and went back to your patient, who was now dressed in a hospital robe and her legs were covered with a blanket. You greeted the both of them before giving Shawn a few papers and taking your place next to Aaliyah to insert her IV.

“Oh, no please don’t.” Aaliyah said when she saw the IV needle, making her brother laugh.

“Don’t be a wimp, it’s just a needle.” He made fun of his sister, making it obvious that he had relaxed a bit.

“God, Shawn, I’d kill to see you here, crying because you don’t like needles.” she said and you couldn’t help the laugh that escaped your lips.

“I know it can be a bit uncomfortable but I promise it’ll make you feel a lot better.” you told Aaliyah. “Okay, so we’ll wait a few minutes for the antibiotics to start working before taking you to CT, and after the CT we’ll take you to your room, sounds good?”

“Sounds perfect.” Shawn said and your eyes found his.

“Okay then, I’ll be around so call a nurse if you need me.” you smiled at them one last time before leaving the room.

Aaliyah giggled, making Shawn turn around to look at her with confusion written across his face since she wasn’t supposed to be laughing at all. “Shawn, you totally like her.”

Shawn’s eyes widened. “Me? What are you talking about?!” He said and Aaliyah rolled her eyes.

“You are so obvious.” she rolled her eyes as she felt the antibiotics start making effect.

The CT scans showed what you had already said. Your attending had paid her a quick visit and asked you to schedule her surgery, and the OR was available at 7:00 AM, which was six hours from now, and in the meantime you had a surgery, but you were going to make sure to make time to be in her surgery since you had taken a certain liking to her, and her brother, but you weren’t going to admit that.

Aaliyah was falling asleep on the wheelchair while you guided her through the empty halls. You opened the door to her room and what you saw next made a silly smile appear on your face when you saw Shawn asleep next to the bed on the typical uncomfortable hospital chair. You gently shook Aaliyah to help her get into the bed. She smiled at the sight of her brother, who woke up when he felt the bed shift. He rubbed his eyes and passed his hands through his hair.

“How is she?” He said getting up and helping his sister.

“Appendicitis, yay for me.” Aaliyah’s sleepy voice said.

“Then, what’s next?” Shawn asked you.

“Her surgery is scheduled at 7 in the morning. Someone will be here around 6 to get her prepped and take her to pre-op. You can rest now, she isn’t in pain because of the antibiotics so, we’re good now.” you said writing some things on her chart.

“Are you going to be in her surgery?” Shawn asked.

“Hopefully. I have a surgery now, and since it’s brain surgery it can take some time but I’ll try my best.” you finished with a smile.

“I really hope to see you there.” Aaliyah said. “I like you, you’re very nice and pretty… Right, Shawn?” she teased her brother who turned red.

“I guess that’s the meds talking?” Shawn said letting out a shy laugh.

“Probably.” you laughed. “Sleep tight, I’ll see you soon.”

You smiled at them before walking to the door, and you faintly noticed Shawn nudging his sister who was falling asleep with a sleepy smile on her face.

You stretched your arms when your pager went off, announcing it was time for your surgery. It was a pretty important surgery, since you were assisting the best neurosurgeon there was, and the patient was an old lady who was one of the sweetest persons you had ever met, and while she had been in the hospital waiting to get her brain tumor removed, you had gotten to know all her family, including her three sons, two daughters, and fifteen grandchildren.

You scrubbed in and waited for the neurosurgeon to arrive. You checked the new MRI results for one the time but noticed something off, there was something you were sure wasn’t on the first results. You asked a nurse if she could show you the first results. You wanted to smash your head against the wall when you noticed there was a new white spot on her temporal lobe. The first images hadn’t caught it since it was so small, but it had grown and by the shape and location of the tumor, you couldn’t feel very optimistic.

The neurosurgeon walked inside and you immediately called him. You didn’t even have to tell him what was going on when you heard him swear under his breath when he saw the white spot.

“How did we miss this, doctor (y/l/n)?” He asked you, clearly frustrated.

“I checked the last MRI results, and the images didn’t show this… Doctor, we have to save her please, she has this beautiful family waiting for her and…” you were going to continue but the neurosurgeon gave you a look.

“I chose you because you are not one to get attached to the patients, was I wrong, doctor (y/l/n)?” he asked you arching an eyebrow.

“No, I’m sorry.” you apologized, though you wanted to punch something. “What’s the plan now?”

“We are going to do the surgery, and we’ll get to take a closer look to the new tumor. Then we’ll decided if it’s safe to remove it or not, but today we are just removing the tumor on the frontal lobe.”

You sighed and took your place next to the neuro God, as people called him. The only thing in your mind was her family, and you wanted to kick someone because it wasn’t fair. You were almost sure the attending was seeing through you, so you had to clear your thoughts and completely focus on the brain in front of you.

The tumor had been removed successfully, but now it was time to wait for the old woman to wake up and tell her the bad news. You were washing your hands when the neurosurgeon stepped inside the room.

“You are good, and I get that it’s difficult to not get attached. We always get patients who are especial, but we can’t, and you know that, you’re smart.” he said looking at you.

“Yeah, I guess I didn’t even notice it happened.” you said not looking at him.

“Do you think you can come with me to inform the family?” he asked you and you looked up to check the time, and it was 6:30. You wanted to say no, but it was Neuro God himself who was asking you to go with him.

“Of course.”

The walk to the waiting room was silent, but once you reached it your eyes didn’t immediately focus on the big family who got up from their seats when they noticed you and the neurosurgeon, but your eyes immediately found Shawn’s frame. He was sitting with his face between his hands. You wanted to go over him and talk him down, but now your attention was drawn to the happy tears shed by the family, you wanted to smile but you couldn’t since you knew what was really going on.

You told the family someone was going to inform them when they could see her. Your attending patted your back before turning around and leaving to the restricted area. You noticed Shawn hadn’t changed his position, you sighed and walked towards him, taking the seat next to him.

“Hey, are you okay?” you said placing your hand on his shoulder.

He jumped in surprise. “Doctor (y/l/n)…” he was going to continue but you interrupted him.

“It’s just (y/n).” you offered him a smile.

His lips curved into a shy smile. “(y/n), I thought you were in surgery.”

“I was, now I’m heading back to the OR to see your sister.”

“Yeah… She’s going to be okay, right?” he asked you fidgeting with his hands.

“Every surgery has its risks, but even an intern can perform a successful appy… and your sister is tough, so don’t even doubt it.” you squeezed his shoulder and felt him shudder slightly. “I have to get going now, but I’ll come to inform you right after we are done.”

Shawn nodded and gave you a weak smile. “Thank you, for everything. I don’t think we could’ve asked for a better doctor.”

“Don’t thank me, I’m just doing my job.” you smiled at him one last time before getting up. “See you later, and maybe you can relax a bit?” you arched an eyebrow.

“I’ll try.” he said smiling at you before you turned around and walked to the area where only authorized personnel was admitted.

It felt like no one was going to be able to erase the smile on your face. Even as you walked to the OR where Aaliyah’s surgery was taking place, you couldn’t stop smiling just by thought of her ridiculously cute brother. You scrubbed in and noticed the still hadn’t put her to sleep. A nurse approached you so you could dry your hands and you knelt in next to her face. She looked scared, but she seemed a bit relieved when she saw you.

“(y/n), thank God you’re here! I thought you weren’t coming.”

“I wasn’t going to leave you,” you stroked her hair over the hair cap she was wearing. “It will be over before you know it.” you winked at her.

“Did you see my brother?” she said and you noticed her breathing picked up some speed since she noticed the anesthesiologist was standing next to her.

“I did, he was worried but he relaxed a bit…” you told her and she nodded slowly. “Okay, now breathe with me, okay?” you started inhaling slowly and she copied your actions. “Good, now start count backwards from ten.” you winked again, and when she opened her mouth to speak you inched your face closer to hers. “You may be a bit high when you wake up.” you whispered in her ear and the smile on her face was the last thing you saw before she inhaled the happy gas.

You were falling asleep while you were washing your hands again. The clock said it was 8:20 in the morning and your were happy that the night was finally over and you were going to be able to get some sleep. You asked your attending if you could inform the family, and she said yes. You rubbed your eyes and placed your light blue scrub cap on your pocket. The waiting room wasn’t very crowded, and you noticed Shawn wasn’t alone anymore, he was accompanied by a man and a woman who you assumed were his parents, because the woman was softly stroking his hair while the man had a hand on his shoulder just like you had before.

You didn’t have to walk towards them because the second Shawn noticed you, he jumped from his seat and practically ran towards you, and his parents followed him.

“How is she?” he asked and you couldn’t help the smile that formed on your lips.

“The surgery was successful,” you informed and they all sighed in relief. “She’s in post-op right now, and you’ll be able to see her in an hour or so after the anesthesia starts wearing off.”

“Thank you so much. We are their parents, I’m Karen and he is my husband Manny.” the woman said shaking your hand.

“You don’t have to keep worrying, she’ll be fine,” you said. “Oh, just to inform you, she’ll be a bit off because of the medications, so don’t pay attention to whatever she says for the first few hours.” you told them and they chuckled. “I’ll be around, so just ask a nurse to page me if you need anything.”

“Thank you so much, doctor (y/l/n). Shawn has been telling us how good you’ve taken care of our girl and we can’t thank you enough.” Manny spoke for the first time.

“It’s my job, and your daughter is a very nice girl, and so is Shawn.” you said locking your eyes with his. “I have to get going now, but you can wait for Aaliyah in her room, they’ll take her there soon.”

You said goodbye and stated walking to the nurses station to write something in Aaliyah’s medical chart when you felt someone grabbing your arm.

“Hey, I’m sorry, again.” he laughed nervously.

“Looks like this is the only way you have to get my attention.” you said and it only took you a few seconds to notice it sounded like you were flirting with him.

“Yeah,” he said and the nervous look was plastered on his face. “I just wanted to thank you, again… I know it might be silly but she’s my sister, and I love her, and i can’t help worrying for her.”

“I get it, and I have to say it’s extremely cute.” you said smiling at his flushed cheeks.

“Really?,” he said arching an eyebrow, and it was your time to blush. “Is it okay if I hug you? Just so you can feel how thankful I am, of course.”

“That’s fine with me.” you smiled and suddenly felt a pair of strong arms around your back.

You inhaled his scent and closed your eyes. At this point, you didn’t care if someone was watching you, you just wanted to take in every bit of him your hands could feel. Sadly, you had to let go of him, since you were in the middle of the area.

“I’ll see you around.” he told you before turning around to go back to his parents.

You bit your lip and continued your way. Shawn walked back to the waiting room where his parents were looking at him with a knowing smile.

“You totally like her.” His mother teased him, making his cheeks turn a deep red color.

“What are you talking about? Now you really lost your mind, mum.” he said on a low voice, earning chuckles from his parents.

You had fallen asleep on the first empty on-call room you found, but of course your beauty sleep had been interrupted by your pager. You were ready to yell at your interns, but when you saw your near attending’s name, you quickly composed yourself and went to find him. He was waiting for you outside last night’s patient, and you knew what was coming.

“Morning, Doctor (y/l/n). Did you sleep well?” he asked with a grin on his face. At first you didn’t understand, but when he pointed his hair you knew why. Your eyes widened and you quickly tied your hair into a ponytail.

“I’m sorry.” you apologized.

“It’s okay. You know why we are here, right?” he asked and you nodded. “Good, let’s go.” he knocked the door before stepping inside.

The whole family greeted you with huge smiles on their faces and you couldn’t help it but feel terrible. Annie, the name of the patient, had her usual smile decorating her face.

“Annie, yesterday we were able to successfully remove the tumor affecting your frontal lobe, but the new MRI results showed a new tumor on your temporal lobe. We were able to take a closer look yesterday during surgery, and I am so sorry but it doesn’t look good.” The neurosurgeon said and the room went silent.

“Is it operable?” Annie asked.

“It is, but it’s a high risk surgery. Due to your age and location of the rumor, there are a number of things that could go wrong.”

“What if she doesn’t have the surgery?” one of the daughters asked.

“She’ll live a month or two with chemo, which will inevitably lead to other organs to fail.” You answered again.

The room went silent again before Annie spoke up again. “I’m having the surgery.” she said and some of her grandchildren spoke up, while others remained silent.

“You don’t have to tell us immediately, you have some time to think.” your attending said.

“No, I’m having the surgery.” she said and you locked your eyes with the neurosurgeon.

“Okay then. Doctor (y/l/n) will book the OR and I’ll let you know.”

You weren’t able to say anything, you just wanted to leave her room and try to forget this had happened. You knew you weren’t supposed to get attached, but you couldn’t help it.

As you walked to the O.R. board, you realized you should probably check on Aaliyah, but right now you didn’t feel like it. You just wanted to sleep until it was time for Annie’s surgery, which had been scheduled for 5 PM today. You informed the neuro attending who told you to be there. You went back to the on-call room and ordered one of your interns to check on Aaliyah.

Your eyes opened at 4 in the afternoon, and now you really felt a bit more recovered. You walked to the attending lounge and noticed it was empty, so you sneaked in and took a quick shower. One of the peds attendings caught you, but she just smiled at you and kept doing whatever she was doing.

You fixed your hair and went to grab a coffee. You were paying when you heard someone’s voice on your back.

“Hey, I hadn’t seen you. Are you okay?” Shawn asked you.

“Shawn, hey,” you greeted him. “Yeah, I’m just a bit tired.”

“Aaliyah is s till a bit high, is that normal?”

You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped your lips. “She’s younger, so you shouldn’t worry about it.”

“Are you busy now?” he asked you scratching the back of his neck.

“Kind of, I have a surgery now.”

“Oh…” he said. “Well, good luck.”

“Thank you. Tell Aaliyah I’ll pass by after the surgery.”

“Will do.”

You smiled at him and took a sip of your coffee. You started talking with some of your other fellow residents when you heard your pager. You sighed and got up, throwing away the cup and walking to the OR where Annie was waiting. You took a deep breath as the nurses helped you to put on your gloves.

You took your position next to the neurosurgeon and did everything he said. You had been standing for almost two hours now, and now you were face to face with the tumor, and the doctor didn’t know where to start cutting. He took a deep breath and asked for the scalpel, he securely made the first cut and everything seemed okay.

You weren’t even halfway there when the nurses announced her BP was dropping, and it didn’t take long for the monitor to start emitting sounds that showed something was wrong.

“Get the crash cart!” the neurosurgeon said and everybody started moving.

You stood there paralyzed, it felt like everything around you was moving, and when you realized what was going on, you didn’t want to believe it.

“Dammit, Annie. Don’t give up!” you exclaimed as you watched the doctor give her the electric shocks.

“Eight minutes.” one of the nurses said.

It was clear there wasn’t much to do anymore, and as you noticed the neurosurgeon gave her one last electric shock, you knew it was over. You felt your hands shaking, you bit your lip hard, and of course everyone noticed.

“Call it, doctor (y/l/n).” your attending said, but you silently refused. “Doctor (y/l/n)…” you noticed everyone’s eyes on you, and the only thing that was heard on the room was the sound of the flatlined heart monitor. “Doctor (y/l/n), your attending is giving you an order!”

“Time of death, 19:54″ you let out before ripping the gloves off your hands and throwing them away.

You left the room and walked. You didn’t know where, but you couldn’t stop your feet from moving. You just walked until you found yourself in an empty corridor, and just then you allowed yourself to break down. It was everything that had been accumulating inside of you.

You couldn’t control your breathing, you didn’t feel the tears streaming down your face. You placed your hands on your chest, trying to ease the horrible feeling that was taking over your body but you just couldn’t. The room was spinning, and you were surprised that you were able to notice a figure making its way towards you.

“Hey, I’m sorry but i heard… (y/n)? Oh my God, what’s wrong?!” Shawn’s voice said, and you soon felt his arms around you.

You collapsed on his arms, and he didn’t flinch when he felt your weight on his body. Now, your sobs were the only thing that was heard on the empty corridor, and Shawn was holding your body with a strong grip, softly running his hand through your back and hair, and whispering sweet nothings on your ear.

It felt like an hour, but it had only been a couple of minutes when you finally calmed down and allowed yourself to detach your body from his. Your eyes were red, and worry was written all over Shawn’s face, and you couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on your lips.

“What’s that smile for?” he asked running his thumb on your cheek.

“You have the same worried look that you had when Aaliyah was admitted.”

“Well, you can’t blame me. What’s wrong?”

You could feel your eyes well up again. “This is too much, I can’t do this.” you admitted out loud for the first time. “It’s not fair, she fought her whole life for a damn tumor to kill her. It’s not fucking fair.” you hid your face on your hands.

“Hey, shh…” Shawn placed his arms around you, again. “You are an excellent doctor, and sometimes it all gets a little too much, I get it, but you can’t give up. These are the things that make you stronger.”

You wiped your eyes and smiled at him. “You are good with words.”

He laughed shyly. “Yeah, I’ve been told.”

“Thank you.” you said.

“Well, it’s kind of my job.” he shrugged, making the both of you laugh.

You stayed in silence for a bit, with smiled on your faces when you noticed Shawn who was scratching his neck nervously.

“I know this i probably the worst possible time to ask you this but, I was wondering if maybe, we could grab some coffee together one day? I still have a few days left here, so…”

You smiled at his nervousness and arched an eyebrow. “Is it a date?”

“If you want it to be…”

“What if I say no?”

Shawn chuckled. “I’ll accidentally get hurt on the gym.”

Your let out a loud laugh, your tears now long forgotten. “Coffee sounds perfect, feel free to call me.” you gave him a card with your name and phone number.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked you.

“I have a coffee with a cute guy, of course I’m feeling better.” you flirted and his cheeks gained a cute pink color.

“I’m just cute?” he asked you arching an eyebrow.

“I guess I’ll have to find out the rest.” you shrugged. “I’ll go wash my face and take some air, and then I’ll drop by Aaliyah’s room. hope to see you there.”

“Don’t doubt it.”

A few minutes had passed since your encounter with Shawn, and now you were feeling a lot better, though you were ignoring the neurosurgeon’s constant pages, you were going to deal with him later, even if that meant no neuro for you for the next couple of weeks.

You knocked Aaliyah’s door and noticed her parents and Shawn. You greeted them all and took her chart to check her last temperature and stuff.

“I was told that you said some pretty interesting stuff while the anesthesia was wearing off?” you asked Aaliyah, whose cheeks turned red in the same way her brother’s did, and her family laugh.

“It’s not true.” she mumbled.

“Don’t lie, honey. We recorded it.” Karen told her, making everyone but Aaliyah laugh.

“It’s not funny, you took advantage of me!” she whined.

“Well, poor lady. It seems like you are doing just fine! I’ll be checking on you during the night, but it looks like you’ll be able to leave tomorrow.” you informed and she smiled.

“You can spend the night here, I’m sure Shawn wouldn’t mind.”

“Aaliyah!” both Shawn and her mother said at the same time, but Shawn said it with flushed cheeks while Karen was laughing.

“I have other patients, but I’ll think about it.” you joked and locked eyes with Shawn, who looked very embarrassed. “Not having an appendix fits you very well, by the way.” you compliment her before writing some things down. “Try to get some sleep, it’ll help you feel better because I’ll start taking off the medications, okay?” you said and she nodded. “Call me if you are in any pain or discomfort.”

“How can we call you…?” Manny asked and your eyes widened. Aaliyah and Karen’s eyes directed her eyes to Shawn, and then to you.

You ignored the question. “I have to get going, see you later.” you said and left the room.

Silence filled the room for a couple of seconds until Karen and Aaliyah said at the same time: “Oh my God, you asked her out!”

Manny’s eyes widened. “Wait, so you really like the doctor?!” he asked and Shawn groaned.

“I hate you, guys.” he said before walking to the bathroom, leaving his family giggling.

The first thing he did when he locked himself in the bathroom was unlock his phone and add a new contact with your name. He smiled like an idiot as he typed a message.

‘How does tomorrow sound for coffee?’

His leg was bouncing up and down as he waited for your reply. He was aware that you were busy and that maybe it was going to take a bit long for you to answer, which was why he was surprised when he saw the screen of his phone light up, indicating a new message.

‘Tomorrow sounds perfect. I’m free at 4.’

He felt his insides jump in happiness.

‘4 it is, then.’

He had expected someone to appear on his life, eventually, but never in his craziest dreams he had imagined that she was going to appear because of his sister’s appendix.

#shawn mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes au

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simple-girl-of-huge-imagination · 8 years

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The Kid of Mars – Chapter 65 -I’ll live my life

Seven a.m. and Catherine was awake by the sound of Jared’s alarm. She immediately felt him standing up, it was the time to give little Ricky his med. It has been the ritual of every morning since the kid returned home. The control freak hadn’t gone away and every single recommendation the doctor made, was being strictly followed. In fact Catherine believed he was exaggerating the recommendations since the boy hadn’t left the house once except for the trips to the doctor. However Ricky was Jared’s son, he certainly knew what the best was for him “Are you returning to bed?” She asked him before he left to the bathroom. “I’m sorry babe. I have some work to do. You know that I’ll have to take Ricky to the doctor in the afternoon.” He kissed her on the head. “But you can stay as long as you wish.”

“I will also get up don’t worry. I don’t want to have my boss complaining because I’m late to work.” She answered forcing a smile in the process. In addition to all the worries regarding Ricky, Jared was also trying to catch up with the work he neglected while Ricky was at the hospital so between everything they barely spent time alone. And when they did Jared was essentially showing concern towards her pregnancy. Basically she was feeling like the last priority in his life.

When Catherine walked to the kitchen, half an hour later, Ricky was having breakfast. Some healthy cereal mix that she couldn’t really figure out but that she decide to eat in sympathy to the boy. “Where is your dad?” She asked the child. “Making some phone call.” The boy replied as he chewed his meal. “When will I stop being sick?” He asked after a few moments of silence. “I wouldn’t say you are still sick. Just recovering.” Catherine tried to answer in the best way she could. “Then why can’t I go outside?” Ricky protested. “My dad keeps acting like I’m still at the hospital.”

“Come here sweety.” Catherine pushed him to her lap. “Your dad loves you so, so, so much that he’s doing everything he can to help you getting better.” She tried to comfort the little guy. “You’ll see everything will come back to normal.”

“I don’t think so. For my dad I’ll be forever a sick boy.” She lacked the words to answer that.

A couple of hours later Catherine was working at her office when she heard Jared steps approaching. “Do you want to come with us to the hospital?” He invited. That was the first time he talked to her since morning. “No thank you. You’re not the only person busy with work.” She answered him in a very sharp tone. “What’s wrong Catherine?” He asked, finally realizing that she was not satisfied. “What I’ve done wrong?”

“Do you really want me to speak?” She angrily replied. Jared just nodded. “Well I’m tired of being left behind, you barely spoke to me in the last couple of months and we’re barely together anymore.”

“You are well aware that I have tons of responsibilities. Ricky needs me more than ever. I can’t just leave him” He was also starting to raise his voice. “And you can’t accuse me of not being worried about you or the baby.”

“That’s the point. All you do is being worried. You’re always so concerned about everything else that you forget that I need other… other kinds of attention.” Catherine was a mix of anger and tears. “And I’m not just talking about me, neither about the baby. Ricky needs you, needs all of us. Of course he does and don’t you dare to say that I’m suggesting anything else. But he needs to know that he’s not just a disease in your eyes.” She wasn’t holding back her thoughts any longer. “He needs to feel like a little boy who is slowly getting his life back and not as a prisoner. You have to allow him to start living his life.” Jared heard all of that without even daring to open his mouth and just reacted when saw her violently standing up and leaving the office. “You can’t just run away like this we have to end this conversation.” He also screamed.

He was getting ready to run after her when realized Ricky and Shannon had witnessed all that mess. The boy was crying on his uncle’s neck, making Jared stop and take a deep breath to calm himself. “I’m sorry little man, you shouldn’t have listened to this.” He apologized as he took the boy from Shannon’s arms. “This is my fault isn’t it? Catherine is mad because you’re always taking care of me.” The little one asked between tears. “Of course not. She’s just upset I guess.” Jared tried to answer. But even he was having some trouble in understanding that outburst. “And here your dad lacks some skills to deal with pregnant woman.” Shannon also spoke. “Is she mad because she’s pregnant?” Ricky seemed confused. “She’s a little bit over sensitive.” Jared decided to say “But it’s my fault too. I haven’t been treating her the way she deserves.”

“If you’re the one who screwed up then you have to apologize.” The child replied as it was the most obvious thing on earth. “Yes bro, here the little man is right” Shannon agreed with his. “Why don’t you take her on romantic date tonight and apologize in the good old way?” He winked at his brother. “Be careful about what you say.” Jared warned, his cheeks in a funny shade of red. “Ricky buddy, go grab you jacket. We’re already late.”

“Aren’t you going to apologize to Catherine?” He asked before obeying. “I promise I’ll do it later, you don’t have to be worried. Now hurry up.” Ricky smiled at him and did as his dad told.

“I wasn’t joking man. You really have to talk and make it up.” Shannon insisted the moment the boy disappeared. “What about Ricky? Mom isn’t here this weekend to look after him.” Despite his words he had to admit his brother was right. “I can look after the little version of you for a night or two” The older sibling suggested. “I know what he can eat, the med he has to take and all that stuff. You can trust me Jay.”

“I know Shannon, let me return from the doctor and maybe I’ll accept your offer.” To Shannon’s surprise, his little brother was really considering his suggestion. “Meanwhile can you please stay here and make sure Catherine’s ok? I don’t want her to do anything stupid…”

“She won’t, I thought you knew her better. But you don’t need to worry, I’ll stay here until you arrive.” Shannon promised. Jared was aware the he shouldn’t leave without solving things but he couldn’t miss his son’s appointment. However with Shannon’s guarantee he felt a little bit more tranquilized.

The procedures at the doctor were relatively quick. Ricky had already done all the exams and was dressing backs his clothes with the help of his dad when the doctor entered the office. “Am I ok?” The little one immediately asked. He already knew step by step how those appointments worked. At the same time Jared searched for any negative sign in the doctor’s expression. Those moments were always of pure fear and apprehensiveness to him, he had no idea of what he would do if the exams’ results weren’t the ones he expected. “Everything good.” The doctor answered as he smiled to his little patient and offered his hand to a high five. A joyful Ricky immediately complimented him as his dad sighed in relief. “All the lab values are according to what we expected, the MRI is clean… Richard’s still in remission so we can all relax for now.” He said, that time speaking to Jared. “My boy is a tough little man.” He replied, kissing his son’s head. They could already spot some hair growing its way back. “Will you do any change in the treatment?”

“We’ll keep going with the actual one for now.” The doctor kindly answered. “Richard will keep taking the oral medication every day at home and come here once a week for the Intravenous. Do you have any more questions?”

“I have some.” Ricky unexpectedly asked, surprising both his father and the doctor. “Well, that’s one of the reasons I am here for. I don’t want to leave one of my favorite little patients with doubts on his mind.” The doctor gave the kid an encouraging smile. “I just want to know when I will be able to eat normal food and to leave my house.” Those questions completely crushed Jared. They made him realize that the words that he heard from Catherine earlier weren’t as exaggerated as he initially decided to believe. “Well… A healthy and diversified diet is important to everyone.” His doctor started. “But can I eat pizza and ice-creams?” The child went straight to the point. “Your body needs some extra care right now to recover his strength. You already know that the treatments you’ve done and are still doing are very aggressive. They have to be so they can kill all the bad cells.” The doctor patiently answered, always with a warm smile. “They are so aggressive that they hurt the healthy ones too, but the food you eat is important to recover the good cells. However I would say that some pizza in special occasions and an ice cream once in a while won’t do any harm.” He finally said what Ricky wanted to hear. “I told you dad.” Jared saw Ricky presenting him with his own cocky smile. He felt like he was looking at a mirror. “Can I go to school already?” He turned his attention back to his doctor. “I thought I was doing what was the best for him.” Jared admitted, before the doctor had a chance to reply. “I don’t want him to get sick while his immune system is still down, so I’ve been keeping him at home but it’s seems like he’s getting bored.” He seemed a little bit guilty as he said so. “You did nothing wrong.” The doctor assured. “It’s important to avoid infections, even a cold could turn out to be problematic. Going to school is still too risky but it’s already time to start going outside as long as it’s not to very crowded places.”

After all the questions they finally left the office. Ricky thought they would drive straight to home as they always did but got surprised when saw himself in another road. “Where are we going?” The child asked in confusion. “You wanted an ice cream didn’t you?” Jared casually replied as it was the most natural thing ever. He had promised himself at the doctor’s office that he would make an effort to be a little bit more flexible. “Are you speaking for real?” Jared had to smile when he saw the joy the idea of an ice cream brought to the kid. In a couple of minutes they were sat at the shop, Ricky trying to eat an ice cream almost as big as himself. “Would you mind staying with uncle Shannon tonight so I can go have dinner with Catherine and apologize to her?” He asked his boy, even though he already knew the answer. “Of course not. We’ll play video games and eat pizza…” The child started but his dad interrupted “Hey, hey, hey. Let’s take it easy. We already ate ice cream today.” Jared tried to be reasonable. “But it’s a special day daddy. I promise it’s just today.” He looked at his dad with the puppy eyes Jared just couldn’t say no to. “Fine, but just the pizza. No refrigerants, no candies, you’ll go to the bed at your regular hour.” The boy stood up from his chair and ran to hug and kiss his dad “You’re getting my face full of chocolate.” He playfully complained, however didn’t really mind. Seeing the boy happy was all he wanted. “Hurry up eating that thing while I call Uncle Shannon.” It was time for everybody to start living their lives.

#Jared Leto Fanfic #jared leto fanfiction #jared leto fan fic #jared leto fiction #The Kid of Mars #thirty seconds to mars fanfiction #thirty seconds to mars fanfic #thirty seconds to mars fan fic #30 seconds to mars fanfic #30 seconds to mars fanfiction #30stm fic #30 seconds to mars fic

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remeny-writes · 7 years

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Roses are red, Violets are Adored (Viadore/Katlaska/group fic)

As promised! Sorry I've been so neglectful of the story lately but now that my hallowe'en and Christmas fics are out of my system, I can get back to hopefully finish up Roses soon. I am working on an optional epilogue as well and sometimes even though I haven't finished writing the story, I know what's gonna happen so I write the epilogue for a bit.

If you are happening across my tumblr for the first time because of the fic exchange or just because then WELCOME! If you enjoy massively HUGE (192k+ words and still going) fics with angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, love and a lil sprinkle of paranormal phenomenon that is written with a lot of details, YOU HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE. The easiest way to read Roses is to go here to my AO3!

Happy Christmas/Chanukkah/Yule/Kwanza/Holiday Monday to you and yours! Stay safe and remember, if you don't have supportive family, we get to make our own. You are valid. Your pronouns are important. Your sexuality is not up for debate. You are loved.

Love n Glitter,

Remény

Phi Phi’s POV

I love the post-show euphoria, fresh off a meet and greet with the best Phans anywhere. The feeling of contentment that you are living your dream. The adrenaline rush was unlike anything else, I hummed to myself as I quickly changed into some more comfortable clothes. I noticed my phone lit up as I pulled my makeup wipes out of my bag. I frowned as I read Pearl’s angry and mis-spelt text.

Pearl - U told Katya? Do yuo WANT me t kill you? She’s gona tell Alaska who can’t keep anythng from her bestie Sharon! And after I’m done killing you, FAME IS GOIN TO KLIL YOU!

I angrily typed in:

Me- Pearl! I didn’t tell ANYONE! I promised I wouldn’t!! I PROMISED! I wouldn’t do that to her! I have no idea what you are talking about!

Pearl - BULLSHIT! Katya texted me that she knew what happened and that Fame didn’t fall!

I jabbed in a response as I stood up and stalked around the room, looking for the skinny Russian queen and her even skinnier Alien boyfriend, getting more livid by the moment.

Me- Did Katya SAY I told her?! Because she hasn’t even SPOKEN 2 words to me tonight!!

And then the three dancing dots appeared, knowing Pearl was formulating a much larger response to ream my ass out for something I didn’t do, I stalked out the side door to see if Katya was out smoking.

Sure enough, Katya was there with her head back mid-laugh while Alaska gazed at her annoyingly adoringly. They stopped when they saw me steaming from the ears in the doorway.

“Oh heeeyy Pheephs!” Alaska greeted me in an unnaturally high voice as she feigned innocence. “How ya doing?”

“Well...you see...I just got my ass handed to me by Pearl for something I didn’t do.” I spat out, punctuating my words by jabbing the cell phone clenched in my hand in their direction.

“Listen, Jeremi…” Katya started, putting her hands out.

“Oh DON’T ‘listen Jeremi’ me! I promised I wouldn’t say anything and now Pearl is PISSED at me! Even if I didn’t say anything, you KNOW how Pearl is. She’s gonna fucking close up again and it’s going to be YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!”

“JER STOP!!” I heard Alaska plead and felt a hand on my shoulder. Alaska’s hand. My hand was clenched around a fistful of a scared looking Katya’s Tshirt. How did I get to this? I let it go and stumbled backwards, landing on my ass and putting my face in my hands and bursting into loud, messy tears. My phone clattering to the ground. I stiffened momentarily when Alaska wrapped her arm around me, sitting beside me. I felt Katya sit on the other side of me, placing my phone on my leg.

“I...I’m sorry Kat.”

“Hey, hey, it’s ok! You’re ok. We are all going to be ok! Fame too.” Katya murmured, “I’m going to text Pearl now, I’ll get this all straightened out, I promise.” Katya frantically started tapping away with her thumbs.

I nodded mutely. I can’t believe I lost my temper like that. All this stuff with Fame and Pearl was digging up the rage that bubbled barely under the surface some days. Usually, aside from bitchy comments, I was able to keep my shit in check but I was so damn tired, which totally didn't help with my shoddy impulse control. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, keeping my eyes closed but letting my hands fall into my lap.

“Phi Phi come here.” Alaska said, trying to pull me towards her chest. “I said come here you. You’re shaking!” Alaska fretted, pulling her sweater off and draping it over my shoulders, she wiggled closer to me and pulled my stiff body in. I finally relented, putting my head on her shoulder and leaning into her. I started crying again, I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. Kat was going to sort it out. Pearl has to forgive me. I didn’t DO anything!

Katya reached over and linked her arm with mine. Her phone dinged and it made me jump. Then my phone dinged making all three of us huddled together jump.

Pearl - It seems I’ve been fucking misinformed. Sorry Pheefs! I really am. Can you please swear the Russian and the Alien to secrecy? Tell them to keep it quiet if they don’t wish to die a slow and painful death from evisceration with a rusty spoon wielded by one pissed off drag queen.

I burst out with a little giggle and typed in

Me - Gee thanks so much for that mental image lol I’ll tell them. How’s Fame? Are you ok?

Pearl - You’re welcome! Police came, were absolutely no help, I’ll explain it all later. Fame’s conked out, they gave her some pain meds and had to give her anti-anxiety meds because the police got her all riled up. I’m tired but fine. Just remembering shit I don’t really want to.

Me - I will get a ride over there after I ditch the Russian and Alien and then you can go back to the hotel and have a rest. Did they say if she’d be released or admitted tonight yet?

Pearl - They haven’t said anything!! It’s driving me fucking bonkers! You don’t have to come over, you worked tonight, I just sat here. I’ll be fine although I may sneak out to have a smoke but with my luck, if I did, that would be when the Dr would fucking come in so I better stay here. It can’t be that bad because the MRI was done HOURS ago, if it was bad, they’d be in here.

Me - too bad, I’ll be there in 15, you’re stuck with me. Muah hah hah ha! Maybe the Dr will come in while I’m on my way?!

Pearl - LOL you are something Pheefs, ever the optimist! If you insist on coming (and you REALLY don’t have to) can you bring me a phone charger if you have one in your drag bag please? And I’m sorry again, I feel like they tricked me. I will take care of Katya, just tell them NOT to tell anyone, be VERY clear you mean ANYONE and specifically say that includes Sharon!

Me - I will. I’ll see you soon. It’s ok, I would be mad too, I understand. I’m just glad your wrath will be directed at them not me anymore! Lol!

I put my phone face down on my knee and looked from one queen to the other. “Ok, I have been told to tell you,” I said calmly and slowly, “that if you tell ANYONE what you know, that Pearl will disembowel you with a rusty spoon.” They both made squidgy faces as I turned to point my finger into Alaska’s chest, “and she said to specifically say that ANYONE includes Sharon fucking Needles! But tell abso-fucking-lutely no one if you wish to keep Pearl from going all homicidal homo on your asses.”

Katya let out a wheezy bark of laughter. “Sorry! Ha homicidal homo...that’s a good one Pheefs!” Alaska started laughing too and I joined in.

After a few minutes of us cackling, Alaska gave me a little squeeze and let go. “Are you coming back with us? I’m going to order an uber or something.”

“No, I’ll get one on my own, I’m gonna go relieve Pearl for a little bit so she can have a cigarette, maybe convince her to go back to the hotel. She sounds like she’s climbing the walls over there.”

“We could come with you and keep you guys company? How’s Fame doing?” Katya offered.

I shook my head, shrugging off Alaska’s sweater and trying to give it to her, she wouldn’t let me though and draped it over my shoulders again. “No, I’ll go by myself, I’m sure they are just in a little tiny room. Pearl said Fame was sleeping anyway so I don’t think we should wake her, especially if she has the good drugs in her system and isn’t in as much pain.” I said with a little chuckle.

“At least I’m glad she’s resting now.” Katya said, chewing on her bottom lip. "I'm so sorry that Pearl got mad at you, I should have used my brain."

"It's ok, it's just...Pearl has grown so much, I'd hate to see her close in on herself again. She's gonna need to be able to talk with people, especially if something...uh...happens with Violet." A pang of pain went through my heart, I know that Vi's tests came back that they were beating this beast but I couldn't help worrying. Cancer is so damn unpredictable.

"Hey, hey, Vi's gonna be ok." Katya reassured me, rubbing my back. I just nodded.

Alaska ordered us both ubers, I grabbed my wallet and charger from my drag bag and sent the rest back with them. There was no reason to lug 15 pounds of makeup and pads to the hospital and back.

The hospital was pretty big but the uber driver dropped me off at the emergency entrance, I hesitated outside the nurses window. What was Fame's last name again? I couldn't very well walk up and say I was here to see a patient named Kurtis. I was just about to text Pearl when I remembered.

I pulled the curtain back slowly, peeking in but not stepping in yet. Pearl was dozing in the armchair. I sucked in a small gasp of air at the sight of Fame. Something about seeing her in a hospital bed, in a gown with an IV, her head lolled to the side. A giant oxygen mask obscured half of her face, large purple circles under her eyes. She was pale which made the purple and blue bruises on her face stand out in stark contrast. It somehow made what happened to her more real and I felt a surge of anger at the assholes that did that to her.

I paused in the doorway, I didn't want to make any noise. Pearl grimaced and ground her teeth in her sleep, I winced at the grating noise. At least she was getting a few minutes of sleep in. I could hear a gurney rolling down the hall and took a few tiny steps into the room. Pearl's head snapped up, eyes wide as she took in her surroundings until she saw me, she quickly pasted on a smile but it didn't reach her haunted looking eyes.

I quickly walked over as she stood up, I pulled her into a hug and couldn't help but notice the tremble running through her body and into mine. "Hey there you." I said softly.

"Hey," she whispered and cleared her throat.

"Y'ok?" It was a stupid question and I immediately kicked myself for it, "sorry dumb question."

She sank back down in the chair, lacing her fingers together and staring down at them like they were the most interesting thing in the world. I crouched down, she momentarily flinched when I put my hand on her knee but quickly recovered. "I'm not ok Pheefs, I'm far from ok. I'm so tired." She whispered brokenly, bowing her head down. I knew she didn't mean that she was physically tired, although I'm sure she was, I knew in my gut that she meant that bone crushing emotional weariness that comes from the energy it takes to keep going, to keep the walls up to protect your heart at all costs, even from yourself at times.

"I know you are babe, I'm so proud you can admit that you aren't ok, that you feel safe enough and trust me enough to admit that means the world to me." My voice cracked with emotion.

She looked up at me, tears were in her eyes but they didn't fall as she said seriously, "I will always trust you Jer. You are one of my very best friends and I don't know what I would have done without you these past few weeks with everything that has happened."

"What happened with the police?" If I thought I was mad before, it was nothing to the rage I felt after she told me, my hands balled into fists. I couldn't blame Fame for not wanting to bother reliving it but it made me furious that the fuckheads who did this to her wouldn't pay! I didn't get much of a chance to respond since Fame stirred and let out a little whimper.

Pearl hopped up and dashed around me and pulled Fame's hand into hers. "It's ok Kurtis, I'm here. You're safe. I got you Kurt. No leave that on please." Pearl replaced the mask back on Fame's face and captured both of Fame's hands in hers to prevent her from doing it again. It took Fame a few moments to wake up enough to stop struggling to pull her hands from Pearl's as Pearl continued to reassure her that she was safe. Fame seemed to calm, closing her eyes again.

"I'm going to go see if I can get an update." I couldn't just sit there doing nothing. I went out to the nurses desk, drumming my fingers on the countertop as I waited for someone to come by.

"Can I help you?" The nurse looked up from her stack of papers and then did a double take, she smiled, "hey, aren't you Phi Phi O'Hara?"

"Guilty as charged." I joked with a little grin back.

"Are you ok? I just got here and I'm playing catch up," she waved a hand at the stack of clipboards and paper-laden file folders, she frowned, "are you sick? What can I do?"

"I'm fine, Fame is here and she's not so fine. Pearl and I were wondering when we would get to talk to the Dr and if we could take her back to the hotel tonight."

"Oh Fame and Pearl are here too? I'm sorry Fame isn't well, I know the doctor just got here too, let me go check with her. I'll be right back." She rifled through the files for a minute til she found one that had Kurtis Dam-Mikelson on the front and took off to the back. She was gone for maybe 5 minutes, she came out with a troubled look on her face and I knew she had read what happened to Fame, I hoped she wouldn't tell anyone. "So Dr Fisher will be in in about 5 minutes, it's a safe bet you'll be able to take her home with you...well back to the hotel."

I smiled, "when you travel as much as we do, our home is each other instead of a place."

"Aww that's lovely. Ok well tell Fame I hope she feels better. I'm so sorry about what happened to her! Now, you might want to prepare her that a counsellor will probably want to talk to her before she goes, it's policy in cases of violent crimes. Oh I feel so bad!" She had tears in her eyes, "sorry, I'm not usually all emotional like this, I just feel like you guys are like...like friends...like I know you."

I echoed my statement from earlier that I had said to Pearly, "hey, it's ok to not be ok!" I gave her a lame little pat on the back and walked away. It wasn't that her words or display of emotion bothered me, I just wanted to get back to Fame and Pearly. I didn't know if they had eaten since the pizza this afternoon, I mean Fame was asleep but Pearl hadn't had more than half a piece of pizza all day that I had noticed. I doubted that she had left Fame's side to seek out food or water.

Well I thought Fame was asleep until I heard her raised voice, I wondered if the police had made their way back into the room. I pulled the curtain aside and ducked, narrowly avoiding my head coliding with the mug Fame had just thrown at a startled looking young woman with a hospital ID that said Deena Dale and then Psychologist Resident in smaller letters. She ducked and the mug shattered against the wall behind us.

#Roses #RaRVaA #remeny #rpdr fanfic #RPDR #phi phi o'hara #pearl liaison #miss fame

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arapahoautumn · 4 years

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I am not the same person that I was 68 days ago when I walked out of work thinking it was just a temporary layoff. A few weeks of being at home for health and safety or whatever high risk crap. I’ve been to the grocery store about four(?) times and I’ve seen no one other than my parents and grandparents, mainly to drop off groceries, pick them up, or take care of things at their homes when Grandma had her back surgery or my stepdad had cancer surgery. Neither of them have recovered by the way, something went off with Grandma’s and she is going in for an MRI tomorrow and Mark has gone into the ER a few times now with chest pain, last night being the most recent, and he is home now with a secound round of all new meds for pneumonia.

Along with their surgeries and hospital visits after we have had two birthdays and three holidays, springbreak, I’ve done schooling with the girls for the rest of the school year which is over in just a few days, and if this doesn’t end on June 12th like it is due to we will run into Father’s Day and at least another birthday.

I am not an extroverted person. This has not touched me in the sense that I am not out there in all the places, with all the people, all the time. This has effected me more in the sense that I am an introvert that suffers from both generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. It had been a hard won few years of progress to get to the point where I had a few steady friends at work that I would hang out with, some of which I talk to on a daily basis outside of work, and I would even go out with the office for drinks and dinner a few times a year. Just this ‘short’ time into all of this Covid quarantine/Stay Home Stay Safe crap I have come to the point where I can go days without hearing from anyone other than my mother, (kids of course but I see them most days because I pick them up when he works on his week, thank the Lord!)

I can text or message someone and they’ll read and not respond, at all, for weeks. These people that I was talking to daily and hanging out with weekly outside of work. So I quit. I’ve watched them all sorta fall away like people do, unless they need something, of course. This has by far been a set of the some of the longest and loneliest days of my life. I have sat in my apartment for days at first just trying to figure out why I am so rejectable. Why it is so easy to to just walk away. Then I started to look at all of the bits of my life where I have spent it alone...like all of it, and wonder is this what I want for myself? Of course it is not. So I needed to drag my ass out of this somehow. By the way, social media for what it brings to the world is really a shit thing. It enables us to dwell on all things we have lost and are missing out on. All the things should be, could be, and are not and never will be. It shows us all the memories we’ve posted over the years, the victories and beautiful pictures of nature and poetry, loved ones, and hilarity, but also the loved ones that walked away or passed, the poetry that now leaves a sour taste, the victory that quickly turned to ash in our mouths because of consequences.

I spent so much time thinking and thinking and overthinking. One night right before dark I was ready to cry. Again. I couldn’t do it. I slipped on my shoes and went for a walk. A quarter mile into the walk I started looking over my shoulder because I started worrying about being followed. “What if someone is coming up behind me? What if they grab me? What if someone grabs me from behind and I’mnotstrongenoughtofightback?” You know, the logical though process for someone that has been followed through a grocery store, to a parking lot, to a car, survived sexual assault, or any and all of the above. The logical part of my brain started to talk anxiety brain down and although I was still walking much faster than the relaxing walk I initially went out for I was able to come down a bit and finish the two mile-ish walk and it felt good. But no one should have to feel like that in their home. Especially not their tiny little hometown of like, I don’t know two-thousand or something. It is small. People smile and wave. You can stop and smell their flowers and pet their dogs. (Bear with me, I’m tying this all back in at somepoint, just let me ramble.)

The walk. It really upset me. I came home and cried. Like I said, or maybe I didn’t say but I meant to, this has been incredibly hard for me, mentally and emotionally. I really have been so alone, and not since just this, I mean yes this, so much this, but when I lost my last relationship I really went though that alone because it hurt so deeply. I don’t know how I could have expressed that. Anyway, I was saying, haven’t been so alone....this walk, I came in and found some study on healing from sexual assault. Healing yourself, your soul. Your wellbeing. Something that I always kinda thought I did. Or I did pretty okay with, except obviously not. Between that walk, and I’ve noticed that I go on a date - let’s be real here, I don’t really date anymore because as much as I would love to have that companionship, I’m cursed. - I find that I always end up with a migraine because I get sooooo tense because it is some dude that I just don’t know and that is some scary stuff. Also there are times when I can’t bring myself to go to the grocery, not the tiny one in the neighboring town but the actual half hour away-I mean business-grocery store, because I have to go alone, and maybe I get followed again and have to turn and confront some jack ass and threaten to bash his skull in with a can because the first confrontation wasn’t enough. SO...this study, I looked at at and thought “Eh, it’s on a Christian site and yes, I was raised in the church, but all the Christian people that I knew that had anything to say to me after the rape happened, it was all something like “God works in mysterious ways.” or “Maybe it is a blessing in disguise.”” But I looked into it anyway, and it’s good, the writer that set it up and leads it is a survivor as well and she is also a social worker and instructor and a college in Oklahoma, I think?

How good is it to hear someone speak your own language though? I don’t dismiss the psychologist I went to at all because he was wonderful, but to sit down and “speak” with someone that has gone through it is a whole different thing. The questions she poses and the prompts in the booklet are good. It isn’t super deep or anything but it helps some. And the walk, like I said I finished it. It was so hard. A stupid walk, I was so irritated and upset. And I was proud of myself for finishing it. This was three weeks ago tomorrow. Since then I have worked out 5 days a week, either walking two to five miles or I’ve started running again and I’m so not up to that distance yet but I’ll get there. I’ve also added bicycling to the mix to avoid injury and some strength training. I still get a little weirded out on my outings sometimes. It isn’t all days anymore, just the bad days, and I know when those days are and I know that those are the days that it is the most important to get out and then come home for a little bit of self care like a cup of tea and some video games or crafting or whatever. But I cannot let that take over my life.

This quaratine crap has been one of the hardest times for my mental health. I’m sure that soon enough it will be over and I’ll be back to work and I am dreading that in a way that I never thought I would. Along with having to slow down and learn many hard truths about myself that I was avoiding and learning that some people are not as friendish and I once thought, I’ll now I have to figure out how I fit back into this world that I’ve not been a part of for over two months. In the big scheme of things that really isn’t a long time, but for someone that doesn’t really get social cues or know how to talk to people, but watches them and mimics to get by, it is a real and uncomfortable thing. I am not the same and how do I insert myself back into that world?

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