#meditation log

[dopeclot]

Squirmy & Relaxed

Yesterday I meditated outside. It was challenging, because there were a lot of bugs. However, it was a good challenge practice. With flies crawling around my lips and over my eyelids. Anicca!

Today I couldn't "focus" at all. My anapana performance was horrible! Physically, I sat perfectly for the first 20 minutes, but my mind was squirming around full of content and I could only feel the center lip sensation for 2 minutes total. It felt like I was doing some sort of integration work, with realizations pouring into me.

Remembering Death

Throughout my life emotions haven't left traces in my explicit memory. It's always so easy to blindly forgive people, and forget tragedies, because my memories have no emotional charge. All my meditation experiences are like this too - I can never remember them! But like smelling a rare scent or visiting a place I haven't been in years, random memories can flood back in when primed.

I was reminded of dark and sad realizations that I had totally forgotten! Many months ago, I accepted that there were spots on my body I couldn't feel during body scan. It felt like accepting my ignorance and defilements. Then suddenly I was overcome with the sense that there were patches of rotting flesh all over my body and a strong belief: "I am dieing. My body is irreparably sick and compromised." Like sitting infront of a plate with only a few crumbs on it, or the last day of vacation, or Sunday night before a hard workweek, endingness felt so obvious; so present; like it was sitting in the room with me. It felt so clear that I was dead. It was so disturbing that I couldn't speak much the rest of the day. And the following days I did pretty bad in some business meetings – Anicca!

Good meditation isn't bliss – dhamma is an uncompromising practice of deep, personal investigation – and truth can hurt.

Squirmy Resumed

After the first 20 minutes, things seemed to switch up. My body was squirming around for the rest of the time! I was not bothered at all, I felt relaxed and a little high. There was a period where I still had no anapana, but I could quickly enter in and out of warm fuzzy states with glimpses of panoramic awareness. My emotions were dancing all around, swinging up, down, left, right, like they do before an A&P climax. It felt like I was the whole basement. The washing machine across the basement from my meditation room felt like I could reach out and touch it! The sound felt just 1 foot away.

This perceived proximity wasn't like a dream or a visual "astral projection". It was the same certainty that I would feel if someone asked "Are you older than 21?" and I respond "Yes". It was just simple, casual, easy, certainty. In reality it would require me to get up, open the door, and many steps to go over there and actually be 1 foot away. But it felt performing those actions is so achievable and easy, it's already done. It's like a no-brainer.

Hua Tou, Hua Tou, 話頭, - I'll cut rambling.

Art

Lately my meditation states I feel like parts of my body are so disproportionately sized and totally overlapping. It's just like a blind line drawing!

When my emotions were dancing around, it felt like my awareness was on a tour zooming through different parts of my body, observing a lot of crazy sensations going on! There were exciting bliss bombs, spooky rigid conditionings, squiggly thoughts, a whole bunch going on in there!

Sometimes when I dissolve a deep blind spot into sensations, I feel like this, feeling the bright blue sky that always lies above the clouds.

[lightuponearth]

daily log ₊˚⊹

forgot to make a post yesterday because i was quite busy!! but yesterday went great, still working on my sleeping sched but everything else is going smoothly

- i did move with nicole's power pilates class, which absolutely wrecked me btw i was sweating so much throughout it and my legs were shaking by the end. i love nicole's workouts and they're my go-to, but i'm trying to branch out and find others that are just as good, so if you have any recommendations please share!

- i did end up meditating after my bedtime yoga the day before and i did last night too! i'm really excited to start adding it to my routine, i think it's a good time for me to meditate because one of my issues was finding the time to do so, and doing it after my bedtime yoga is perfect since i'm not just meditating and starting a whole new part of my routine but i'm stacking that habit onto another which i already do!

- i made dinner for my parents today, usually its my mum in charge of dinner (we make our own breakfast and lunch), but i decided to start making dinners for my family ever thursday! i made a chicken curry inspired by sanji's curry recipe in one piece, not that i've watched the show but a close friend of mine does, and i missed her so i thought why not. it was quite a long process because there were several steps and the ingredients had to be prepared in different ways and it wasn't just chopping and dumping them all together, but i still enjoyed cooking and it turned out great! also i say inspired by the recipe because i ended up changing a lot of things lol

- i studied and practiced javascript for about two hours! bless the compsci bros on youtube for posting free tutorials and giving access to knowledge. i'm trying to transition into react as well so most of what i'm learning for javascript is based on what's necessary for react!

- i've been on a social media break (instagram and twt specifically, deactivated my ig account) and i'm finding it really nice. it's supposed to be for a month or so but i'm tempted to just not return back to instagram at all— can't say anything about twt because my relationship with it has always been somewhat like a toxic ex, i leave it for around 4 to 6 months only to come back to it and start all over again until i leave— but i'm sticking to tumblr because i still barely use it lol i kinda just post and scroll for a bit then leave

goodness my daily logs are less of a quick post and more of me yapping and using this as my journal, which i guess is fitting since i call this acc my online diary. maybe i'll try shortening these posts and use like one sentence for each bullet point, let's see. anyways i hope you all are doing well, thank you for reading if you've read this far ♡

[mi4m0rec4denz4]

[porto-rosso]

my toxic trait is thinking that if i were head chef in a restaurant id be able to keep the kitchen environment calm and chill during the 7pm dinner rush

[tree-whisper]

Yule solstice logs in the wood stove. Notes of affirmations and letting go into the fire!

[ophthalmotropy]

Social life is an ailment.

[rottiens]

I love how you can see him smirk a little in that gifset after she puts her fingers in his mouth

[andyklingensmith]

Archival 17 [Long]

Winter - Spring 2024

Each day, clearly means more to me than it ever has Just we, just we, just we One body, really like a dream that you so softly pass to me, to me, to me

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The snapping of my feet falls over the bones of the things I cannot fix Somedays we wake to find knives instead of fingers at the ends of our wrists and all along the curtain of the world we tear and shatter as we let the sunlight in the darkened room The silent grey ripped, a bad drawing on a sheet of paper I tell you this: Even you are not allowed in here

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I'm truly in awe of being human If only I could never be the same A turning of liquid to muscle Where the dead have been life combs its hair

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I thought I had broken the mirror between myself and the world But it's only a fracture and I can still see myself Splintered, smiling stupid

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Only my eyes, so tired from sun drift side to side and move Frozen foot in icy boot I shake like held secrets from you

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I cannot choose the heat of the steel or the coolness of the steel's shadow So I choose the blade itself Indifferent temperature You open the window naked in the moonlight I see the upside down of you I see you before you were born Blossoming before me Drinking water when your throat was torn If you fall you fall forever

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The trick is not minding that it hurts.

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Darkness, the breath that is and is not me Sighing like a sleeper in pursuit of a dream perpetually Beneath me and below me forever like water under the sky If I live just once perhaps it will feel like I never died I burn, I shiver, out of the sun and into this shadow Oh lord, let me be unseen She has kissed me All has shattered

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The mountain is just a shadow in the glass The distance is nothing more to me than a doorway I pass in the hall Imagination is a mirror I wipe with my hand The water on my palm is a river leading me back to you

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Here is another day. I cry as my feet touch the floor.

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It is this to which I commit like bodies tied to wild horses As my skin tears I leave myself all along the earth The footsteps of a thousand people falling a thousand times on my flesh

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The rotten fruit breaks A matter to thick to run The flower by the window is paired with an artificial one And when a pale bud blossoms from the real alive with dew Another from the mimic who learns to blossom too

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I cannot be divided I cannot be kept from myself This door will never shut

No matter how hard I close it No matter how hard I twist I am stuck between worlds like a kiss between lips

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The drop that has formed on the roof of my heart falls.

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My heart closes up like a bird's wings folding My days have cracked and the light spills through its splinters

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The illusion is upon me that this something appears rounded, with weight, complete This, for a moment, seems to be my life It it were possible, I would hand it to you entire like a branch broken forth from a tree Take it, take it, take me

[mynewsoul]

Hey, guys. Step into a world of tranquility and serenity with my latest ambient track. Let soothing sounds and peaceful melodies transport you to a state of relaxation and calm. Find your inner peace with this immersive experience. Enjoy the journey.

[winged-lights-and-krill-frights]

It always seems to be Igego who ends up in these crazy crowd situations. He does his best to just ignore them and continue with his business.

[dopeclot]

Metta Blob

Vipassana ribbon -> spotlight

Got sick of my vipassana sweeping technique. I used to visualize a ribbon of light or energy twisting down and around my limb/torso, or a paintbrush of water painting awareness over my skin and revealing the sensations.

I remembered a feeling to just listen. I really felt sick of forcing effort into my practice. My technique instantly switched to splotches. It felt right. A gentle circle would appear and I felt what was there, without applying the energy to amplify the sensations to be stronger, more electric, or more buzzy. It felt much more gentle - like just listening. Then had such a beautiful metta.

The contraction point of self

I kinda decided that there are sensation clusters I cant vipassinalize - like they’re above my weight class. Ex. My sense of self contraction between my eyes. When projecting focus, it can tend to contract. This can give me instant sensations anywhere I want, but I quickly learned on my retreat to not use this power! It results in exhaustion and headache. I've also been able to loosen this contraction, gently expanding the core point to feel like an airy bubble around my whole head. I also once felt it flow out of my forehead like mist, and for a moment I felt kinda centerless. This experience didn't feel crazy though, it was pretty chill.

But it makes me think this knot is best untied by combing through my body and working on smaller knots first. And it may loosen itself in time.

Lone star universe

I remember on retreat I was sitting with my body all zinged up, and asked for an insight. I visualized the whole universe, and then all the stars dimmed away except 1 in the center. A lone star universe. And that last star was my consciousness point. This was very disturbing and traumatic!! It felt I would never be truly understood in this world ever. I am an isolated mind that woke up to the tragic truth that it is impossible to fully connect with any other being ever.

In the following weeks, I watched a video of the future of the universe. By extrapolating all the science we know, we can trace not only the distant history but also the distant future of the universe. The universe will continue to expand until the gravity of all mater will pull itself all back together. And a majority of the time between the big bang and the great contraction, energy will be extremely dispersed. All stars will have burned out. All heat will be dissipated. Motion will be rare. Entropy will be pervasive. The universe will be a gigantic, cold, lightless void for a period of time unfathomably long.

In the following years, I read or heard a quote that said something like "when everything becomes all the same, it is all one thing."

And in the previous months I connected these dots. The dark lightless void is one large body. Then, in processing the implications of this understanding, I revisited my visual imagination of my lone star universe. I hadn't remembered this experience in quite awhile, and it's cool it zinged right up! I saw all the stars come back. They were twinkling, lighting anew, and disappearing. I focused on my own star, and I realized the goal was to extinguish it. To join the vast sea of formlessness.

To be honest, I don't remember when these visual realizations occurred. It could have been in meditation, in social life, or somehow mix of both. It almost feels like a train of thought that stopped periodically, but was never forgotten, and fluently develops anytime it is receives fuel. Kinda like an electric race car track. When current flows to the motor in the car, it instantly zooms until the current is turned off and it freezes. But when frozen, the position never changes. In this way, the train of thought could have been strobing on and off, receiving pulses of fuel throughout meditation, conversations, watching videos online, working out, etc.

Metta Blob

Really felt my body and the world connected after: My physical sensations were globed in with the undifferentiated space precieved all around me. The walls/floor seem less solid and more suggestive. I really feel the spaces below and above and on the other sides of them, and feel continuity with all the 10,000 things that might be there. I dont actually have xray vision or know whats on the other side of the visual barrier. It's more a feeling like I am friends with a large body of space around me regardless of its material form. Is it gas? Liquid? Solid? Metal? These questions feel irrelevant.

(It feels kinda like sitting in a warm bath, where your edges dissolve and you kinda feel any currents/motion of the water.)

[imnothereyet]

i have spent entire nights where i made the horrible, bad, no good decision of accidentally staying awake and watching dozens of episodes of a TV show but was motionless enough that my body was able to rest.

sitting upright on a rock "meditating" on my posture for a half hour has been more restful than so many long naps for me.

sometimes it's more about letting your brain actually relax for a bit than the exhaustion makes it seem, and since i learned a few ways that i personally can achieve that i've had much better luck avoiding hitting the point of exhaustion that keeps you stuck in that mode of never-quite-recovering

You know, that Mythbusters post legitimately changed my life. Before seeing it, I had exponentially more guilt and stress about not being able to sleep, which of course, further exacerbated my inability to sleep.

Now, every time I wake up about three am, knowing I have to get up at 6.45, instead of stressing and panicking about how my day is going to be sleep deprived and miserable, I just tell myself 'Time to activate Mythbusters Protocol' and lie there with my eyes closed safe in the knowledge that I am measurably reducing later feelings of exhaustion.

And when this happens, about 70% of the time the reduction of guilt and stress means I actually do fall back asleep, so all in all instead of getting only three or four hours sleep, I get five to six and a half.

Which y'know, major improvement in health and energy.

[an-absolute-trainwreck]

Guys help I’m fantasizing about the future again 😔

[fidicusautism]

Call : +917997101303 | Whatsapp : https://wa.me/917997101505 | Website : https://fidicus.com

Attentional Blinks and Hyperfocus In ADHD ADD Children | Autism Homeopathy Treatment Cure #adhd #adhdkids

About Video: Explore the fascinating world of ADHD/ADD in children as we dive into Attentional Blinks and Hyperfocus. Learn how these unique cognitive traits affect attention, causing brief lapses and intense focus in kids with ADHD/ADD. Discover how these moments impact their learning and daily life, and get insights into strategies that can help harness their full potential. Watch now for a deeper understanding of the ADHD/ADD experience! Dr. Bharadwaz | Autism ADHD | Health & Fitness | Homeopathy, Medicine & Surgery | Clinical Research

[dunsterhouseblogs]

Finding a peaceful and relaxing space to meditate can be a game-changer in our fast-paced lives. Here are some helpful tips on how to transform your garden log cabin into a tranquil and serene spot to practice mindfulness and self-care.