#meanmitch

[meanmitch-blog]

Whoops, been awhile. A shit ton as happened. So let me vent.

Don’t remember what I talked last on here, I can see that no one reads it anyways. SO I guess this is more for my benefit to get it all out there and to have an out lit. 

So fuck man, a lot has happened......

I got a Kitty, two weeks ago exactly on this day. (Its Tuesday 10/3/17). I named her Kiki, after Kiki’s delivery service. (Its a must watch if you haven’t seen it and if you love Spirited Away and My Neighbor Tortoro) 

Oh my god, I fell inlove instantly. She was all I thought about when I wasn’t with her. I have to admit it wasn’t easy, after the first night I honestly wanted to give up. I was ready to sell her on Craigslist.... (yikes) BUT I didn’t. I made it through with the help of my glorious roommates. SO blessed to have them.

But anyways, she was only 7 weeks old when I got her (too early to give away btw) but the lady that gave her to me said she was 8..... (liar) oh trust me, you won’t like her by the end of my rant. 

She was beautiful.... my daughter. I gave her everything, fuck did I spoil the shit out of her though, but fuck I was in love. She did have a lot of problems though. She also costed me a HEFTY amount. Thank gosh I saved up! She had diarrhea, she had a parasite, and she pooped out blood. A plenthra of problems but I loved her so much anyways.

 In between getting her and losing her, Heffeh and I were in an okay place. So I thought. A week after getting her. Heffeh and I got together, we watched a move, we talked, we laughed, we made love.... I was an idiot. Then .. I went out with “his ex-roommates.”  Including the roommate that I fucked. I wasn’t thinking, I guess I was being selfish. I did it because, he didn’t invite me to his party, he never asked or told me. He never wanted me to come through. I even texted him that night, “hey party?” He said “not a lot of people here, not that lit.”

Does that sound enticing? Did that give my drunk ass any hint that maybe he just wanted to see me at least? NAW.

So I was trying to get everyone at Bates 8 to go to 4... He just happen to be outside and saw me come out with squad, he was pissed. Then I went upstairs to his party to talk or hangout. He literally, SHOOED me away... hand motions and all...

So fuck, that hurt. Kiki comforted me, then I went out again and hung out and I wasn’t alone. I was with people that actually wanted to hangout with me.

(End of week 1)

(Beginning of week 2)

He apologized two days later, I responded and told him why I did what I did. He told me he didn’t like how I was handling this, he’ll be a phone call away or upstairs. What does that mean? Is it over? Are we just friends now?... so then I just said alright. Left it at that. I responded a few days later saying how I get it, I was an asshole. I’m sorry. I wasn’t asking for anything. Then I asked where we are? 

(Friday) He responded with “I don’t want a relationship anymore, just with myself. I’m not cutting you off, I just can’t be responsible for you anymore.” 

The thing that pissed me off the most, I HAD TO ASK. He didn’t tell me, I didn’t know so yeah he broke up with me Friday evening.... via text. He could’ve said I’ll answer your question in person. Say it to my face. NO, actually say it at all. BUT NO, I HAD TO ASK. ME. What if I didn’t ask. Would you just be stringing me along? Thing whole time? Well fuck you too.

So Kiki again comforted me, fuck I miss her... It was like she knew exactly what was wrong and curled up right on top of my heart..

I went out, because I wanted to get drunk and be numb as fuck. I was having a great time with my friends, we went to a couple of bars and it was great. Then I felt like I just wanted to be with Kiki, I wanted to cuddle with her and hold her. So I was almost on my way out and then I get this phone call from my roomie. 

“Theres something wrong with Kiki, shes not responding. They are taking her to the hospital.” -My heart dropped...

We went to the Woburn Vet ER, found out she had parvovirus, which effected her immune system. She didn’t have an immune system. She was dying....

So I decided to put her down, she was in pain... I couldn’t make her live for my happiness. She would’ve died sooner or later so I chose now. It was the hardest decision I had to make in my entire life. But at the same time the easiest because it was the best for her. It just wasn’t the best for me because I wanted her to live for me. I watched her die in my hands... My entire soul was in pain. I’ve never cried so much for someone in my entire life. 

#RIPKIKI , my beautiful daughter.

SO that was my two weeks, Heffeh left me, Kiki left me. Now I am left with just me. And its been hard. So fucking hard... I hate going into my room because I expect to see her already there waiting for me. Expecting to see some poop on the floor because shes a weirdo and doesn’t poop in her litterbox. Fuck I miss her. 

I miss him, I went out Saturday night. Got hammered. Texted him saying how he left me alone. He broke me. My soul is in pieces. Then I asked, do you even love me? Do you even care? He answered “Of course I do, You’re a beautiful soul.”

I never replied, what am I supposed to say? Thanks? If you love me then don’t leave.... I need to let him go, this is whats best. I miss him.

I feel like I lost two soulmates in one day. My heart feels heavy, I feel like my soul is hurting so much. They don’t know who they are anymore....

What do I do now?

Help? Questions? Comments? Anything? Lets fucking talk. 

[meanmitch-blog]

Where did we leave off?

Long time no talk!

Not that I really have anyone responding to me, oh well maybe someone will just read this and it’ll get them through whatever situation they are in.

So lets see.... what was the last thing we talked about? Probably not the most worst decision I’ve made in a long time.

Last weekend I went out, I went to a Bates party got super hammered and.... Well came very close to fucking my bf’s friend... Such a shitty person. I instantly felt so guilty and bad after. I told him about it.. and he didn’t talk to me for like 3 days. Then we talked, I guess things were a bit vague but basically hes not out there trying to fuck anyone like that. 

Instead he wants to connect with someone else and then fuck them. Cool.

Half of me is like oh well that works and then the other half is like oh you’re trying to replace me...slowly but for now you’re going to use me as a fuck buddy...

It’s not like that and I know it’s not. It just felt like it and god did it hurt.

Over the summer I was his unhappiness... that was what he told me, well fuck man. Why am I still here? Really though... I made him so unhappy he needed so much space from me. Not a problem but damn, I didn’t want him to be so unhappy.

I never put two and two together.... He told me yesterday...

And we were good then I went out with my roommates and he got mad.. maybe because he was drunk because I talked to him this morning and he was “good.”

I think I get where I am supposed to be and I don’t want to particularly go out or talk to much people I just want to chill with me. Plus I got a cat.. Her name is KiKi shes a cutie..

She makes me less sad but shes such a little bugger. I never know what she wants hehe.

Questions? Anything? Lets fucking talk!

[meanmitch-blog]

Woke

So about last night....

I was a hot mess, not really though. I was at Murphy's and it was super fucking hot so everyone was sweating like crazy.

But I did go out last night. Got drunk. Danced like a manic came back and texted my soul mate, lover, weird bf thing. Whatever you want to call him. I told him that I missed him and he just said same. Then I cried because I had an insecure moment, where I was intoxicated and emotional, I felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I felt like shit. Why is this so difficult?! Then I just knocked the fuck out.

I had a dream, that we were hanging out but he kept texting some girl named Kayla. (why that name came up, no clue) I just kept hitting his phone out of his hands, I felt like everything was okay. It was weird. I felt like he chose to hangout with me instead of her. Then I WOKE up... And realized that none of that was real. I'm not okay.

Just needed to get that out of my system.

Comments? Questions? Anything? Let's just fucking talk....

[meanmitch-blog]

Relationships

So a little bit more about me and what I am going through currently.

I am in a very open relationship. We’ve recently decided that we both needed to take a step back from each other. We both have standards that the other can’t fullfill but neither one of us wants to leave the other. Solution together but giving each other a lot of space. Although this might seem a little easy. He lives a floor above in the same residence hall. Yeah it got a little difficult just now. LOL. 

A little bit about us, we’ve known each other for two years now. The first year we were hooking up on and off...... Then we started dating. He is a very motivated individual who wants to accomplish great things in his life starting now. I am a less motivated individual who wants to accomplish dope things for the environment in my own time, going with the flow, sorta thing. I don’t put pressure on myself. Hes somewhat of a hardo when it comes to this and just takes his life very seriously, almost too seriously. We are in love, I believe that he is my soulmate and I want to be with him. Its hard because I don’t hold up to his standards. No one really does.

But anywho.... open relationship. We can do whatever we want with other people. Meet new people. He doesn’t dig the whole monogamous relationship. He wants variety. I however, am a little old fashioned although am very open to the idea. I am trying it out. But we slightly have opposite views of what a relationship “should be.”

Basically we’re taking time off because he wants me to be where hes at in life. Hes more self aware, he is working towards an unbelievable dope ass goal, so he sets high standards for himself. And if I want to be his equal, well I have to be just as self aware, enlightened, and set high standards for myself. Which if it isn’t obvious I am not quite there. Getting there, in my own way, at my own pace. Without the pressure of him pushing me and pushing me. 

But you see the problem is, what if I never get there? What if I just don’t want or find the motivation to get there? Then I lose him. But if realizing that losing him isn’t enough for me to get there then what is?

Hes everything that I ever wanted and more but lately I’ve started to realize that maybe hes not. Its sad. It fucking sucks, it hurts, it kills. I’m not sure what to do. I’m trying my best but is it enough? He doesn’t think or see that I am trying but I just don’t know what to do. He thinks I should know what to do but I don’t.

This is where I am stuck. This is my dark place. This is the problem of my life currently. HELP? SOS? ANYONE? ANYTHING?

Whether we stay together or not, I know I’ll be good in the end.... just for now it sucks....

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Lets fucking talk! Help me out!!!!

[meanmitch-blog]

First step to becoming a better you!

LOVE YOURSELF

Something that I am currently learning to do. It all starts with you and I think this is probably the biggest and hardest step to do.

You think you love yourself, you know yourself but in situations where you doubt yourself, you feel insecure, you start comparing, where is that self love?

So how do we do this?

Well first of all, I am no master by any means, fuck I am still learning as I go. But here is my advice to you lovely human beings. This is just a start but it has gotten me to a much better place than I ever was before.

1) Write everything you think you know about yourself. Your likes, your dislikes, what you love about yourself, but most importantly what you hate about yourself.

2) Be aware of yourself. Be mindful that this is who you are now but this isn’t permanent. Everything is temporary. Watch your thoughts your actions, what you say about yourself, what you think about yourself. If anything negative comes up, change it. For example, I like to look at butts, every butt. I am like Tina from Bobs burgers. Just butts BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS!! And I compare my butt to other butts. And I realize well fuck, I have no butt... But instead of feeling insecure about my butt I think well this is my butt size now but it can grow. Just like how I can grow as a person. So instead of all the negative thoughts I’ve been thinking I TAKE ACTION!.SQUATS SQUATS SQUATSSSSSS!!!!!! SO knowing that I am putting effort into making myself more confident about my butt, I feel secure. I love myself this is who I am but I am going to grow.

3) Get to know yourself more. Your insides your outsides. Fuck yourself, literally masturbate. Get intimate with yourself as much as possible! This results in you being comfortable in your own skin. Low key; I never had an orgasm... It was due to a mental block and the fact that I was just uncomfortable with my body. I didn’t know areas of my vagina to get me off. I wanted to change that. So I played with myself a lot more, found my G-SPOT and fuck finally when it happened I felt incredible. But I didn’t need anyones help to have a fucking orgasm I just needed me.

4) Spend time with yourself. No distractions. Just you and your thoughts. No TV, Netflix, Friends, Family, ANYBODY. Do something productive. Like read a book. GOT A GREAT BOOK FOR YOU: The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer or The four agreements by Don Miguel. These books will literally change your life and your way of thinking about yourself.

5) Don’t be too hard on yourself. You will succeed but you will also fail. This is apart of life. If you want something work hard for it. Its not easy to change what you’ve been doing or know your whole life. To drop everything, to change everything. Remember life doesn’t have a schedule. Don’t expect to change in a week, in a month, This takes years and it is okay.

I hope this helps. 

Questions? Thoughts? Concerns? 

Lets fucking talk man! I am here for you guys. 

[meanmitch-blog]

My Story

Mean Mitch here, not mean and not who you think I am. But you can think whatever you want. That is your freedom on my blog. Think, feel, have your dope ass opinions. One rule: You gotta share them with me. 

Judge free zone. I promise! In reality there is no right and no wrong.

Mean Mitch is someone who I don’t want to be. My other persona. Who takes over when alcohol and emotions gets involved. So why I picked my name to be Mean Mitch is because this is about my journey to find me. So far, I’ve found Mean Mitch, but the other me. The “real” me, not sure who that is... and that is the mission.

So, I am 23. Still in college. Still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Biology major. I like plants and animals. I care deeply about the environment. People are a different story. I’ve been through numerous experiences. Which I would love to share them with you guys. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two from my “mistakes.” I sure have, I have a lot of advice, but I also have a lot of questions on my mind.

I feel as if there is more to life then just societal work... Like no I don’t want to sit in a lab or cubicle 8 hours a day... FUCK THAT! Lets explore, adventure, travel, experience. Like what is life? SERIOUSLY?!?! Why am I here? What am I doing? Who am I? Who is my soul? Purpose?! ANYTHING?! ANYBODY?! Well fuck no ones got the answer?! 

Truly deeply am a lost soul who wants to be found. Not lost as in sad or depressed. Just a soul, in a body, wandering aimlessly into this world. With no guide. Just provocative thoughts, searching for answers that no one has.

So here I am, on tumblr, helping you, helping me. Any questions? Thoughts? ANYTHING???? LET ME KNOW.

LETS TALK!!!!!

[meanmitch-blog]

Why am I here?

Lets talk, lets provoke our thoughts, enlighten one mind at a time.

First question: Who are you? Why are you here? Purpose of your life??? Any suggestions or ideas on how to find out?

Currently on a journey to find me, so come along with me. Lets do this together. I want to find out who I am, not what society thinks I should be...

[meanmitch-blog]

Lose Control.

Hey guys.

I came across a quote, although it seems a bit well known this was the first time that I had come across it.

“When ego is lost, limit is lost. You become infinite, kind, and beautiful...” - Yogi B.

I really thought about it, how beautiful and simple this quote was. Yet so powerful..... I had struggled a little bit when Heffeh had told me that I had an ego problem..

I knew I did, but somehow it didn’t sit with me well. Again that is my ego, denying.. that of it’s very own exsistence. But then I sat with it.. accepted it. Gave up my control over it because I can’t control the fact that I have one... everyone does. I can lose my ego, lose control at the fact that I have no control... Its okay.

As humans we all try to control everything, every situation, every person, people we love, people we don’t even know. Because we are scared of the unknown future. We think that if we can control these factors then we can control the future that lies ahead but the fact is, there is no future....

Future is an illusion, there is only the present that we live in currently, in this very moment. 

Advice: stop controlling everything, lose it. Say fuck it all, let it go.... Don’t control something that isn’t real. Nothing is real... this is all a dream. If you can’t control your dreams why do you think you can control this dream. 

[meanmitch-blog]

Feeling some type of way...

Its been ALMOST a week since we broke up. I feel so.... torn. Part of me is okay with us being apart, part of me feels that there is no closure, part of me feels hurt because I made him unhappy, I’m not up to par with his standards, and then the rest of me is trying to figure out what I should do.

So many memories were made, so many happy moments that I miss, So many adventures we did together that I wish we could continue doing.... 

I hate imagining someone else being with him, making him happy, like how I used to be able to... What ever happened?

What if he wasn’t as good of a guy as I thought he was? What if he never really cared about me? What if he just used me? Could that be possible?

Do I talk to him about it? Will I find the courage to? What do I even ask? I know that he doesn’t want a relationship, he can’t be responsible for me, he can’t worry about me... He needs to think of himself.

Does it hurt him? Does he ever think about me? What is he feeling about this? About me? Did you ever love me? Why did you leave? Was it easy?

So many questions, how else do I answer these. I have to ask him but am I ready to? Do I give it some time? I think I need some time to think. 

We’re in such a weird place. 

Should I just leave it alone? Move on? Why doesn’t he ask to talk to me?

Ugh life is so complicated. I know i’ll figure it out. I just have to focus on me. Its all about me. I don’t need anyone in my life. I have myself, I am enough. 

Our relationship has been toxic.. Thats why hes leaving me, I am toxic to him and hes excluding me from his life. 

Note to myself:

Focus on you, its all about you.... Have fun, be free. Find yourself. Please. Try your best not to worry about him. He can take care of himself. Take care of you. 

Comments? Advice? Questions? Lets fucking talk.