#me?? rambling on for paragraphs ??

[moeblob]

I genuinely have a "hear me out" for Alex/Shane and have in fact told someone (who doesn't play SDV) and they said it was a pretty convincing argument so I think I'm onto something.

[jadecantcreate]

i wanted to write a quick 3-chapter fic for day 4 of loa shiptober (how they met i think) and i (a fool) was like. yeah. i could totally write 3 chapters in a few hours. i was wrong. SO wrong. haven’t even finished kremy’s (the first one).

so instead have a maybe-past-kremy design that im conflicted about compared to his current design, as a peace offering

[xf-cases-solved]

headcanon/fic idea where during the cancer arc, mulder is over at scully's place on a saturday morning going over a case file (that probably could have waited until monday, but he wanted to check on her, and scully knows that, and mulder knows that scully knows, but they both just keep it to themselves). and at one point, scully checks the time and sighs and says she needs to call and cancel her nail appointment for that afternoon, and when mulder asks her why, she says it's bc her dr prescribed her a new med and it's giving her slight double vision, and "it's a common side effect and it's temporary, but i don't want to drive until i adjust to it, and it's not worth it to pay for a cab just for a manicure"

and mulder is like, "i'm not doing anything today, i'll take you"

and obviously scully dismisses the offer, but he keeps insisting, and the truth of it is, with all the constant med adjustments and (occasionally gross) physical side effects of medication and just being sick in general, she hasn't felt particularly attractive in weeks, and while it's not like she is trying to impress anybody, she takes a lot of pride in her appearance and how she presents herself to the world, and her nails are so brittle and the polish has completely chipped away from her last manicure, and honestly, this one little thing, no matter how inconsequential, really would go a long way to making her feel more like herself

so she eventually relents (which pleasantly surprises mulder bc she is stubborn af)

on the way there she's already apologizing for how boring he'll probably find it -- how frivolous and feminine -- and "it shouldn't take too long, i'll tell her to skip the hand massage," and mulder is like, "if you tell her not to give you a hand massage i will hold you at gunpoint until you let her do it" bc he is NOT about to let her skip out on some self-care bc she's worried he'll be judging her for indulging in something "girly"

(he knows she constantly walks a fine line between expressing her femininity and keeping it to herself bc she's worried it will make her male peers view her less seriously)

her nail tech immediately asks if mulder is her husband, even tho she knows damn well he's not bc she asks him if she's found a man yet at every gd appointment, and when she says no, the nail tech is like, "why not? he's handsome and he took you to your appointment, he seems like good husband material"

(they side step out of the conversation, but she is painfully aware of mulder's smirk)

her nail tech asks mulder if he wants a manicure too, and scully thinks she's probably joking, but mulder is like "hell yeah," and scully feels like how she does when he talks about aliens with random cops and witnesses with a straight face -- like, a little embarrassed, but also in awe of his complete lack of giving a fuck

so they are seated side-by-side and get manicures at the same time

mulder doesn't get any polish, but he lets his nail tech shape his nails and apply cuticle oil and, yes, give him a hand massage

he and scully have a brief debate about her nail polish, bc she always gets a super light pink or just a glossy finish (bc anything bolder would feel like overindulging in her femininity and she doesn't want to give any of her misogynistic peers more ammo), but mulder is mercilessly persistent, saying shit like, "that peach color would look good on you" (it wouldn't, she thinks, she's too pale for it) or "that burgundy one would match the new dark lipstick you got a while ago," and she's sat there wondering when the fuck he noticed something as trivial as the shade of her lipstick, and does that mean he's paid attention to other aspects of her appearance? and if so, what does he think of them?

(eventually she lets him talk her into an insanely light shade of baby blue, mostly bc he said it would complement her eyes and she was too caught off guard to tell him to stuff it, and the nail tech makes another casual quip about how good of a husband he would be, and a teeny tiny voice in the back of her head that she can barely hear is saying, "yeah, actually, he would")

when they're finished, he slips the nail tech his credit card while she is searching for her wallet in her overcoat pocket, and he does not look remotely remorseful when she reprimands him, that bastard

in the car, she can't help laughing at the way he keeps checking out his nails, tilting them so the sunlight hits them through the window and he can see how uniform and shiny they are (his nail tech talked him into a clear top coat)

he offers to drive to the chinese restaurant a few blocks from the lincoln memorial, bc she mentioned to him two weeks ago that whenever she is too nauseous to want food, she can for some reason always stomach that restaurant's egg drop soup, and even tho she's not nauseous rn and has also eaten enough egg drop soup lately that it actually sounds a little abhorrent, she says yes anyway, bc she's so touched that he remembered that small detail

they end up getting an order to go (she orders a full entree of vegetable shrimp along with her soup, and the look of relief and delight on mulder's face when he realizes she has an appetite for once makes her blush)

they go back to her place and watch The Thing, and then a rerun of jeopardy (they're pretty evenly matched in terms of useless trivia knowledge, but the final jeopardy question is "this man is the only doctor in history to have a 300% mortality rate," and scully was saying "dr. liston !" before mulder had a chance to process how that was even possible)

she gets drowsy early (another side effect these days), and mulder is discreet in not pointing it out, and instead makes an excuse about needing to feed his fish so he should probably get going, and once again, they both know what he's doing, but they both keep it to themselves

she walks him to the door, and before he leaves, he takes her hand. she lets him raise it up beside her face, even tho she's not sure what he's doing, until he says, "yep, i was right, these make your eyes even prettier," and like ??? what is she supposed to do with THAT??

in the end she does nothing except let him kiss the tips of her fingers, right on the light blue polish, and then lets him kiss her on the forehead. (she tries not to think about where else she'd like him to kiss her, and fails miserably)

they part with shy goodbyes, and it's only in retrospect that she realizes she hadn't actually thanked him, not really

when she is dressed and ready for bed, she slides under the sheets and calls his cell

"mulder, it's me," and somehow he sounds delighted to hear from her, as if they hadn't just spent the entire day together

"i just wanted to thank you for today. i really needed it"

she isn't able to express her gratitude in full, bc that would require being emotionally vulnerable and she's not v good at that, but she suspects mulder hears what she isn't saying anyway

"anytime, scully," he says, and she knows he means it sincerely. "my hands are so soft, i might have to make this manicure thing a regular occurrence"

she laughs

"goodnight, mulder"

"goodnight, scully"

in the morning, the first thing she notices is the blue of her fingernail polish, and the warm feeling it gives her stays with her through breakfast and all the way through the afternoon

[applestorms]

thinking about how near refers to light at the end of the series— not really as light yagami, not even really as kira, and not quite as L, but rather an amalgamation of titles: L-KIRA, a twisted mix of two personas, masks on top of masks. no longer a person but a series of letters, a filtered voice through a screen. a man who has built his entire life in the space between lies, who cannot let himself stop for a second without the weight of his own guilt, his sins, crushing him. regrets repressed because this is the only way it could ever be, it has to be worth it, it has to, it has to, because you can’t even bring yourself to consider what it all means otherwise.

i am a firm believer that light yagami, the son, the student, the average human person, dies at the same time that L does. at least at the beginning of the series he has some semblance of normalcy to hold himself to, the Serious Student persona that keeps him walking to and from school and talking to people and eating dinner with his family at home. how many times do we really see him going outside, post-L death? how often do we see him outside of some L-based police HQ, talking to people he isn’t trying to manipulate? really, it’s no wonder he falls so far, alienated as he is from the rest of humanity. when was the last time he breathed long enough to remember what the sky looks like? hugged his mom, laughed with his sister? did he ever visit his father’s grave? does he remember what the breeze smells like? was he ever really happy? did he deny himself his only chance?

at least in the case of L and near the isolation feels intentional, a preferable choice, carefully and logically considered for all the pros and cons. light never asked for the position he fell into, that fell upon him, that he created for himself. he denies the death note being a curse, but it’s not like he could ever admit it if it was.

light’s story arc in death note really feels like a tragedy to me, specifically in the sense that he never really gets the chance to change. on a plot level this is true, much of the second half of the story post-L death is light utilizing the exact same strategies as before (taking away his ownership of the DN to Strategize, romancing a woman he doesn’t care for to use her, fighting a snarky troll of a super genius hiding behind a letter whose real name & face he cannot find), but it’s true on an emotional level too. light never really gets to grow up, he never gets the chance to truly question his ideals or goals without the world he’s built by himself crashing down around him.

i keep thinking back to the significance of matsuda asking him about his dad, how he could drag him to his death for the sake of all of this. light’s response, so truthful in its desperation, really sums it all up: he died for a reason. KIRA has to win, or his dad died for nothing. he cannot face the idea that he caused his own father’s death, so KIRA must be justice. there is no other alternative. KIRA is god, or light yagami killed his own father for a fairytale.

really, it’s so fitting that his name uses the kanji for moon. moonlight— not originating from the moon itself but a reflection, of something brighter, greater, more powerful than he could ever be. light dies the same way as every other criminal he passed his judgement upon, on his knees and desperate, pathetic, begging for life even as he knows he is doomed to the same fate of nothingness that he granted to everybody else. godhood denied. he said it himself, that he could never be anything more than a human, but somewhere in the fog he lost track of the person he once was. and it’s near’s cruelest observation that stands out the most to me in that final scene— that he never really had to be this. he could’ve stopped at any point, felt his guilt, paid his regrets, and moved on with his humanity still intact. light has spent far too long repressing and denying to ever consider that an option anymore— but there was still room for sympathy for the 17 year old kid who killed without thinking, long before he built up such a dedicated palace of lies to justify his actions and hide away his guilt.

L-KIRA dies on the floor of a dirty, abandoned building, surrounded by the people he spent years manipulating and lying to and betraying. light yagami dies in a helicopter, locked and chained to his only closest equal, holding a notebook that he would use to sound the death knell of his own fate and wearing his father’s gifted watch.

[kwillow]

will theo ever be happy

Maybe in another life.

[dreamingofthedteam]

just got reminded of this 'debate' that even dream spoke about because of the video, so heres my thoughts:

dream was right when he said that its completely possible to make a fun and entertaining sr video without using any of the stuff modern speedrunners use. speedrunners who beat the game random seed in like 9-10 minutes are skilled no doubt. theyre good at parkour (usually) and they have vast technical knowledge of the game up to and including bugs and glitches + they use calculators. and its correct that it doesnt make for very accessible videos. they dont make an average viewer with not much technical know how of the game itself feel welcomed. things happen so fast even a long time mc video watcher would get lost. but the opposite of that is exactly what the latest video was all about. they dont use any of the glitches, they never use calculators to find out the coords of the portal to the stronghold, they just do simple fucking maths to figure that out. hell they even fail to one cycle the fucking dragon (bro missed the head every time except one😭😭) and i think that is exactly why dteam videos do so much better than any of the famous sr videos. this video is literal proof of what dream said was true

some more things that i think make the video feel so well structured: sapnap bridging over to the fortress with dirt blocks. istg we see that exact same angle of him bridging like 4 times in the same exact way. and that creates a story 'beat' here imo. to signal that this is an important part of the run. same with george finally getting the way to loot the chest with the obi. same with dream running around the last bit of the red nether forest to get to the top of the bunched up gold blocks. same with the sand block with the snow layer that sapnap breaks for the stronghold. same with the soul sand the portal spawns them on entering the nether. also the block placement as sapnaps leaving the fortress. its like nearly the same shot every time. im not saying they did those things consciously, but that the editing choices were no coincidence

wait. that makes so much sense. a timeloop movie would be edited exactly like that. DID HE WATCH A MOVIE AND THEN EDIT THIS????? tbf ik only tenet and looper that are like this BUT THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE I SHOULDA REALISED EARLIER

[starmonsterrr]

Autism forced me to draw him (I just love him so much)

His face...HIS FACE!!! he looks so.... Ahujrkrkfnfkeksb he so pretty and squishable...... need to head-bonk him and cuddle w him and purr at him like a cat and do the paw thing on his scarf (I think it's called making biscuits????) i just....aargh... why do I have to be stuck in this realm without him.....:(

got inspo from @/letsatomicbanana's art

Ink Sans belongs to @comyet

[aousboom]

thinking about how phum and fang clearly only had each other to rely on growing up. how their parents were (and seemingly still are) absent leaving them only with each other. how fang is so overly worried about his baby brother at all time because he was always the only one phum had to look up to and rely on. the way they know each other's food preferences that their parents probably never figured out. how they know they can call each other for the smallest things and it'll never be an issue. how phum is the only person who fang feels comfortable truly expressing his feelings about tan with. and how fang can so easily read phum's feelings for peem but doesn't push him on them. he let's phum ask the questions he need, he cheers him on from the sidelines but knows phum needs to figure this out on his own.

also thinking about how love has changed these two brothers who are now finally starting to understand what it feels like to have someone to rely on other than each other. phum who makes sure to tell peem every time he has fun with him and the gang because he never had these experiences growing up. phum who fang and all of his friends notice being more lively and motivated since he met peem. phum who goes out of his way to drive peem home just to spend a bit more time with him. and fang who never needed to learn how to cook learning how to make tan's favorite dish as a way to expression his affection for him. fang who's always riddled with deadlines and doesn't even like physical activity but goes to volunteer with his boyfriend because he knows he wants him there. fang who pretends he hates it but always lets his boyfriend cling to him while hiding his endearing smile.

two brothers who clearly grew up in a household where open expressions of love were not the norm figuring out how to show their feelings and adapt to their newfound loved ones. they're not perfect at it but they're trying and they just mean soooo much to meeee

[lazylittledragon]

Salutations! Your art has such a warm and cozy vibe, even when dealing with sad things! How do you do this!? Is it magic? The tan backgrounds?

Anyway, the adventures of your Tav Dorian in BG3 are so lovely to see! I especially love all of their cozy sweaters and cardigans! They deserve to always be comfy!

I have been curious though, in your comics of Dorian and Dadstarion you had a panels where Dorian ‘fibbed’ saying they found Kittrick ‘in a bin, and Neverwinter and decided to keep him’. If that’s NOT how they acquired their bundle of joy, HOW DID they come to have Kittrick? An Egg? Magics? Save them from…something?

Thank you for you time and hard work!

long story cut short, he was the result of a few too many glasses of a very nice vintage

[onlyjaeyun]

i'm gonna log off for a while because i'm really mentally drained from constantly hearing how unhappy and disappointed some of you guys were with both SB and CH'snendings and developments.

i know some of you guys come from a good place and mean no harm but imagine working on something for so long and then you yourself are already sad about how things ended but you wanna use it as a way to do better next time but people constantly tell you how you should do better next time and its always "i was so excited but it never came" and "i wished things would have gone this way" after you spent days crying out of frustration because your brain didn't corporate.

people who have never written (one shots or series doesnt matter) don't know the burden of leaving unfinished works up there. i keep telling you guys that i tried so hard to somehow give you guys an ending because if i hadn't you guys would have never received ANY ending so i tried to make the best of it.

i dont take the hate to heart anymore bc i couldnt care less and i know as a writer i should be open to criticism but i'm a little tired of my work being constantly nitpicked when i do this for fun.

i know updating daily was what burnt me out pls stop telling me that i obviously overestimated myself i fucking know.

whatever, it actually doesn't matter anymore because CH is over and i dont think i'll ever write smaus that long ever again bc the criticism is so not worth the mental effort and stress.

i do this for FUN. you know how artists doodle in their notebooks, this is what this blog is to me. i make mistakes, i over/underestimate things and myself bc this is life. it's just..not that deep for y'all to constantly camp in my inbox and make me feel bad about it when i already accepted it.

i'm gonna do some self reflection and think about it all so take care babies 🤍

[to-be-a-dreamer]

I talked about this in the tags of a reblog but I need to expand on this because my brain is vibrating and it's all Hank Freaking Green's fault. This will not be coherent at all just roll with it.

I don't know if it was on purpose or not but the scene where The Fix and Pasha were flirting by exchanging fun facts did so so much for the Fix's character in my mind because like. Pasha is the only character we've seen who had a positive response to the Fix's fun facts right off the bat. (Presumably the orphans at the Home for Wayward Interests had positive responses but I'm specifically talking about on-screen reactions.)

The targets that the Fix talks to are so terrified by his facts that they just disintegrate on the spot. The DA is mildly annoyed at best by them. Even the other Prefrontal PIs are freaked out or confused by them at first. It takes a couple episodes for them to come around to his fun facts, especially after "half the bones in your body" one. It takes them some time to realize that that's just how The Fix communicates his thoughts and ideas. He uses his fun facts as a way to connect and bond with friends just as much as he uses them to intimidate his targets.

But Pasha is the first person we see and, presumably, one of the only people in The Fix's life to hear one of his facts and not only immediately accept and understand it to be a method of conversation, but to also respond with a fact of their own and have an entire conversation with The Fix in the way he feels most comfortable.

We've seen so many times that The Fix goes out of his way to try and appear less threatening or even avoid people altogether because he knows most people are scared of him because of his appearance. It takes him so long to convince the other Prefontal PIs that he's really not going to hurt Conrad (compare how quickly Dan is a part of the group and how his motives are never questioned despite how vocal he is about hating Conrad and being all too eager to turn him over to the police and/or have him murdered to how long it takes The Fix) and he doesn't even seem hurt by the idea that all these people think he would murder a child when he's clearly a very kind and loving person, especially to children.

He's just. Come to terms with the fact that everyone's first impression of him will be this big intimidating presence who enjoys hurting people. But he's not. He's just passionate about his job, like everyone else in the city. It just happens to be that his job is to keep Elias focused, which means letting go of the butterfly tails. When he's tasked with eliminating someone who doesn't seem like they need to be eliminated, he immediately stops and questions the case. As far as I can tell, he doesn't like to kill people, he doesn't do it for fun. He does it because that's his job, literally the only thing he was made to do. But he's come to accept that most people will always be afraid of him because of that job.

And then he meets Pasha, who immediately accepts his form of communication without question or confusion. Who isn't afraid or intimidated by him. Who isn't just entertaining his fun facts but is actively engaging and returning with her own. She is the first person (who isn't a child, who is the Fix's peer) that The Fix could talk to without having to explain himself. The first person who wasn't afraid or confused or annoyed by the way he expresses himself.

Like. I dunno I imagine it would almost be like moving to a foreign country as a child and not being able to speak in your native language because every time you do people are suspicious of you or annoyed that you aren't speaking the local language or just plain don't understand you, even if they're trying to be kind about it. And it's harder to explain yourself and express your thoughts in this new language but you learn and you adapt because it's the only way to survive. Then you meet someone who speaks your language. Someone who allows you to speak freely and for the first time you can actually express yourself fully and easily. And they're speaking back to you in the language you think in and for once you don't have to translate everything before you say it out loud and after you hear it. I think that would feel so freeing.

So yeah, I'm guessing that scene was supposed to be a silly goofy one-off gag that's just funny and cute but it genuinely means so much to me. Truly I don't get people who say The Fix isn't as deep or interesting as the other characters he is FACINATING to me and this isn't even touching on his relationship with Conrad or what he might be feeling after learning Ichabod was Pasha's brother. (If it gets revealed that Ichabod was one of The Fix's first hits I will lose it.)

Thank you for coming to my late-night nonsense ramblings I hope I was mildly entertaining

[transgenderdoctorwhomst-old]

@transmasc-rose

okay so, 10, beginning of his part of the story, he's trying to infiltrate the court of queen elizabeth (the first i think? the one he marries. after the torture). this is because river song told him there were zygons and he was like "sick, this is a great alternative to developing alcoholism."

so anyways, it takes elizabeth almost no time to pull him aside and be like "hey, you are so clearly a spy, you are dressed weird and can't remember your own alias'" because these are true things. and she goes "anyways, i'm going to torture you for information and then execute you."

he is so fucking stupid.

he is kept there for months. he spends a significant portion of it flirting with her. like he is having a fucking great time in the torture dungeon

like hello? ten you are being tortured for months and threatened with death. why are you just vibing. no wonder 11 comes out with such an insane bondage kink.

[xxplastic-cubexx]

what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]

a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious

i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me

as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy

[dearmyloveleys]

aw man reading this portion in the first bit of mdzs in the og text, giving it my own translation and feeling bittersweet:

[WWX]

“魏无羡提起湿淋淋的手掌，就着溪水，一点一点抹去这不知是在嘲笑谁的粉饰。

并��无法承受。毕竟当初做出选择时，就已无比清楚，今后将面对的是什么道路。只记住云梦江氏教给他的东西，记住那一句家训——“明知不可而为之”。

只是自以为心若顽石，却终究人非草木。”

Wei Wuxian raised a wet palm by the stream. Bit by bit, he wiped away the powder makeup, its deriding laughter he wasn’t sure was directed at whom.

It was not that he couldn’t bear it. After all, when he made the decision back then, there was nothing clearer, about what the path he’d face thereafter would be like. He only remembered the things that Yunmeng Jiang Sect taught him, remembered that one line of the Sect motto — “Turn what you know is impossible into a possibility.”/“Attempt it even when you know it’s impossible.”

It was only that he thought the heart was like stone, but at the end of it all, people still were not plants and trees.

[aslightaddity]

Ed isn’t a cold logician he’s just autistic.

I could leave it there but I have to expand on this if only to be able to explain why I resonate with him.

We’ve seen him referred to as cold or unfeeling since like the start, in the first few seasons it’s not even overtly it’s just implied that that’s how people view him. But he isn’t. He’s incredibly emotional in actuality, to a point where I could put him as a second place for Gotham’s most emotional character.

He only gets called cold because people don’t see how logical and factual his feels are to him, like the pier scene in season 4 or 5 where Oswald tells him that if he listened to his heart more than his head he’d understand, but in season 5 he even admits that he rarely ever harmed a person who didn’t wrong him in someway! When you stop the look at all his major moments in the show it’s all very clearly emotional. Season 3 possibly shows this the best after Ed finds out Oswald killed Isabella, with his violent fantasy where he stabs Oswald. Or when despite everything in season 5 he stays. Practically every major event per season for him is emotionally driven.

He’s seen as always taking into account every fact and detail he can and one of his most driving facts that isn’t mention is his why. His emotions are, to him, factual and are taken into account. Even if he can’t fully understand them, like in season 4 as we see with Lee, or denies them, like how he cares for Oswald, he analyzes them and uses them like he would any other factual thing. And the only reason others don’t see this is the fact that he expresses his emotions in a different way than other people and when he enacts plans that are based on his emotions he’s already gone through feeling them viscerally enough to cause anything that would show it so he basically seems emotionless during it.

And when we put his kind of emotional and juxtapose it against say Oswald’s kind of emotional, most would immediately point out how in this comparison Ed looks emotionless and cold but when you take a closer look it more shows that they’re sides of the same coin. They are cunning, dangerous, and motivated by their heart but act with their heads. For Oswald his heart is stronger than his head and it’s the opposite for Ed but they are both emotionally driven.

TLDR- Ed is very personally emotionally intelligent and a emotional person but people see him as cold because he’s autistic.

[sstardustt3]

Johnny Cade never thought he had a real purpose.

He thought he would just end up like his parents or working minimum wage at a job he didn’t like or shady quick jobs to survive. He wasn’t very smart, it took him too long to write, to say what he meant correctly. He didn’t really understand math, took him longer than most to understand the work and it just made him feel stupid. He was scrawny with a light build but he was still underweight, he didn’t care too much for sports either. He a little sense when it came to how to survive in the real world but not enough to make a living.

He’d stop trying In general, he would sometimes sleep in class to make up for lost time at home, most of the time he would just stare at a blank wall silently. Sure sometimes his classmates would be concerned but eventually they started ignoring him too.it was better that way, he didn’t he have anything to contribute anyways he knew one thing for a fact, for absolute certain.

Johnny Cade would be another no named poor kid turned criminal to die and rot.

It seemed his fears came true when he killed that Bob kid. He never liked him from the start, even more so when he beat him within an inch of his life and left him that nasty gash on his cheek. He didn’t feel sorry about killing that soc. He tried to drown his friend, he beat him black and blue and here was so much blood gushing out of his nose you would’ve thought a pipe broke. He didn’t feel sorry about getting his payback.

He felt sorry that he proved himself right, that he had disappointed dally in someway by getting into more trouble than required. He proved himself right that he would amount to nothing but a low life criminal who would be locked up in a prison cell and rot there for the rest of his life or die in agonizing pain.

Was he a fool for wanting more? Hoping that he could be strong like Dallas. Strong and tough like dally. Maybe even help people. He was too hopeful, it was a nice fantasy though. That maybe he could amount to more.

When he was in the church with Ponyboy, he felt bad, guilty. It sunk in that this was his life now, he wasn’t gonna see the pearly gates after he killed that boy, if he ever got caught he even if he didn’t go to jail on the count of self defense he would still have to face his family. He did too much, he wasn’t thinking clearly.

When those kids were trapped in that church he felt like he was responsible for it. He was torn between listening to Dallas and going into that church with Ponyboy. But he knew it was his fault, he had to fix his mess, also it would’ve been irresponsible to let him wander in by himself. So he followed. He when he saved those kids he felt a rush of adrenaline. The smoke, the humidity, the heat, the sounds around him. It lit a fire in him, it made him feel like he actually had a purpose, Like he was worth something, that he was actually good at something.

The adrenaline came crashing down when the curch fell. His back hurt for a few seconds, bolts of pain coursed through under the weight of beams and oak wood and his nervous system screamed and ached in pain as the fire melted his flesh.

In the hospital he was in pain constantly. He couldn’t move, he could barely talk or open his eyes. He was right. he would die in agonizing pain. He thought his tombstone fit him well though.

“Johnny Cade. the boy who died right as he realized he was worth more than he ever imagined, that things didn’t have to suck.”