#me: ok I will take this week off to rest
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After doing nothing but sleep and game for two days I feel the call again...the call...of the rider...
#;ooc.#and by that I mean riding my bIKE.#ITS BEEN NEARLY FIVE MONTHS I MISS RIDING#me: ok I will take this week off to rest#me a day in: look at you doing nothing but sleep. you lazy bastard. you piece of shit--
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WHAHAHAHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT!?!
#Nevermore#Nevermore Webtoon#Webtoon#OMG NEVERMOREâS FIRST SEASON IS COMPLETE#WHAT A CRAZY FEELING MARCH 3 2022 ME COULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT THIS IS WHERE WEâD BE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS#BUT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#FIRST OFF THANK YOU RED Nâ FLYNN FOR YOUR WONDERFUL WORK THIS SEASON IT WAS AMAZING I LOVED ALL OF IT#OK EPISODE UHHHH DOLLY AND POPPET ARE STILL CUTE AND BADASS#POPPET YOU LEFT HER ALL ALONE SHE CALLED YOU THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE#OOOOOOHHHHHH POPPETâS MAGIC PRETTY ALL THE MAGIC IN THIS SERIES PRETTYYYYYYY#PROSPERO LOOKS SO PRETTY IN HIS PAJAMAS IDKKKK WHYYYYYY LOVE THE SHIRT#SORRY MONTY YOU CANâT RUN#WASSUP WILL LOOK AT THE BOOOOOIIIIISSSSSSSS#POPPETâS SPEECH LOOKED SO COOL#OOOOHHHHHH THEYâRE ALL SO SCAREDDDDD#LENORE BROKE MY HEART THIS EPISODE OMG LIKE WHEN THEY WERE HOLDING HER BACK AND SHEâS LIKE âNO!â#âDONâT MAKE ME SIT IDLY BY WHILE IT KILLS THE ONES I LOVE. LET ME GO. PLEASE.â HURRRRTTTTTSSSSS MEEEEEEEEEEEE IâM DYYYYYIIIINNNNGGGGG#JUST NEEDS HER WIFE THEN EVERYTHINGâS FINE YâALL DONâT UNDERSTAND#WHY IS MANIFESTING IN FRONT OF IT SO BAD I WANT TO KNOW#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GET AWAY FROM HEEEERRRRRRRR STAGGGG#OHHHH THE DETAILS AND SHADING ON THAT LAST PANEL MMMMMMMMMMMMM DELICIOUS#THANK YOU SO MUCH RNF FOR BOTH YOUR SERIES THEYâRE THE LIGHTS OF MY LIFE WHEN THEYâRE GOING#TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU NEED FOR S2 GET SOME REST#WEâLL BE HERE :))))#THANKS TO YOU GUYS FOR READING MY UNHINGED TAGS EVERY WEEK HOPE YOUâLL STICK AROUND FOR MORE OF ME AND MY THINGS#YAYYYYYYYYYYY NEVERMORE SEASON 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I've been very unwell today and my queue is pretty short at the moment, so I might go quiet for a bit. Honestly I might end up in hospital again. I've been struggling for awhile and it's gotten worse, and I'm about past my limit of managing.
Take care of yourselves. xo
#personal#mental health#mental illness#anxiety#panic attacks#lowest I've been on the MH pain scale all day is 7 or 8#gallstone levels of distress at the moment#tempted to call the crisis line but I'm not sure they'll have resources to do anything#it's not like my panic is irrational or catastrophising#it is very possibly the end of the world#pretty sure anxiety and wanting to die is an appropriate emotional response#I'm being stupid and histrionic I guess but I'm not ok#nothing happening is about me but i still can't bear it#i can't focus or think about anything except dread#I've tried meditation and 3 3s and tensing all my muscles and then letting go#I've tried distracting myself with games and tv#nothing is working#heart palpitations high bp tinnitus hyperventilating nausea tightness in chest crying all day on and off#i can't feel like this for the rest of my life#i can't feel like this for another two weeks or another two days#and i don't see why i should have to#might have to go completely offline on a permanent basis but then I'm without my social contacts or my job so#take care of yourselves and each other#maybe i can get sedated or something
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What will win:
my desire to write DA fics
vs
my seething hatred for medieval stereotypes (âhaha they thought bathing was bad!!â âhaha their streets were filthy and they threw wastewater out of their windowsâ)
#chia rambles#dragon age#do I wanna write my DA2 MGIT fic??? yes.#do I wanna write a medieval setting where this stuff is actually real??? no.#like ok Ferelden I understand itâll smell bad what with the dogs and the mud and all#but like even then#people in medieval times had noses???? they were people??? they enjoyed being clean???#especially true pre-industrialization#but technically itâs canon in Thedas and I HATE IT SO MUCH#THEYRE A MEDIEVAL SETTING#AND YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE THEY DONT HAVE COMMUNAL BATHHOUSES???#insane#kirkwall I can accept bc itâs a shithole#but the rest of the world?????#no#and even then would the magisters settling down accept a place w/o running water? if theyâre inspired by the Romans#mmmmmm donât think so#I mean THE SEWERS EXIST#WHY WOULD THEY HAVE SEWERS AND NOT COMMON BATHHOUSES#itâs canon that Dorian bathes so Tevinter DOES have higher standards of hygiene#but also that pisses me off so much because again MEDIEVAL PEOPLE DID BATHE#(clenching my teeth) then MGIT was like Iâm gonna take a bath! and DA character No.43 gasped and went you silly girl!! its once a week!!#FUCK OFF#worldbuilding#da2
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I lobe my mutuals so much
#i suddenyl got hit with a wave of massive depression its ok itll pass i just need to rest and get through this week#i actually had a couple really nice moments today#just overtired and stressed taking its toll ill recover ill recover ill recover (through gritted teetg)#anyways i love you guys for alwuas listeningnto me#can you tell i turned autocorrect off my phone#anyways i love you all
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#my digestive issues are literally under the most control they have ever been in my life and they are still ruining my life#woke up fine today. went to a coffee shop. had to leave after an hour#i had so many plans for today and now i'm stuck at home because i can't be too far away from a bathroom#i didn't eat anything that would trigger this. my gut just hates me i guess#earlier this month i have a risk food but i thought i took enough precautions to be safe and it fucked me up for like#2 weeks straight#i wonder what its like for people to not have to wonder about bathroom access every time they leave the house#i wonder what its like to eat normal foods without calculating how sick its going to make you#i wonder what its like to not have entire plans tossed out the window for reasons beyond your control#fucking sucks man#i hate ibs#in exchange for my terrible gut i do have a fantastic immune system somehow but weirdly that means i never take time off work?#ok so i am so good at just managing my issues that i just power through whenever im sick.#it's not like i can afford to take time off whenever i feel sick anyway and besides once you have to take multiple AP tests in high school#while in the middle of an episode you grow a lot of tolerance for being functional while sick#but then. i just i could have excuses to take days off because i have a cold or something. get a rest every now and then#but what illnesses i get beyond digestion issues are so slight that i can just. power through. i am never ill enough to take time off#and i get so worried that one day I will need that PTO that I can't convince myself to use it for like mental health days and ugh#this is more of a personal problem than anything but still. i wish i got sick like a normal person
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starting to hit that i have no psych and my medication feels constantly on the edge of becoming highly precarious bc we have switched insurance and my previous doctor is like no longer my doctor to prescribe it and idk how long the therapy center i went to will continue to let the psych there prescribe me stuff and if they still can with insurance changes. guys i hate it just a little
#i either need to get a psych or have no more disorders so this situation stops sucking and feeling scary sometimes#genuinely the first time in my life i dont wanna stop a med or feel bad for having to take one. i would rather do anything than stop#esp bc it isnt one that u can just put down and return to. if i went off for like more than a week i gotta start all the way at 25 mg again#and then work back up to 100. which sounds so sucks.#i am not in threat of this happening rn bc i counted pills this morning and asked my mom to see if she can go get my script refilled#and send it up to me. so hopefully i should be alright. but now im wondering if i will make it thru to summer break? i think i will#but now im nervous bc i thought i had more and would last thru like spring break with this current bottle which was probably dumb on my end#ok recounting in my head i definitely will make it thru the rest of the semester when i get my refill but still.#dont like that i miscalculated this last one. augh.#static.soundz
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why is it that every time I'm really counting on my day off, it ends up being taken from me >.<
#my coworker who usually runs the fabric desk on tuesday evenings isn't able to come in today so they called to ask if I can cover#her shift#so it's just for about 4 hours#from the time our other coworker leaves till closing time#which... is ok. I was actually just trying to figure out yesterday how I could pad out my hours for this week and get closer to 40#and taking this half-shift will put me riiiiiight *directly* at 40#so now I'm gonna have to be super careful for the rest of the week not to go over the line and get into overtime :')#but I really *was* counting on having all of today off... like I really was looking forward to not having to worry about leaving the house#all day#:') I really ought to know better by now.#oh well. I have the opening shift tomorrow but we don't have bible study this week so at least I can count on having all of the afternoon#gurt says stuff#personal
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im so tired so tired and im bored and i need some easy reward chemical for my stupid brain but i dont know where to get it
#i want to do something that matters but doesn't matter something that requires no effort but engages me something that has#long-lasting consequences but will also change nothing i want something that changes me but doesn't affect me at all#i want to feel things but i dont want to despair but no matter if i can feel things or not i despair anyway#ive been putting off sending an important email for a week and a half and just the thought of trying to put my thoughts in order#terrifies me#i want to read fic because i like it but i know that when i do i will only feel like im wasting time#i want to finish that drawing i was doing of my body horror dream i want to finish drawing my oc i want to finish the gifts for people#that are years late i want to send that fucking email#i want. to be able to do things again.#but i can't. i can't do anything but sit here and feel awful about everything.#i can't take care of myself i can't make myself feel any better i can't do anything that helps me im just. stuck here.#and nothing is real nothing feels real nothing feels like it matters nothing seems to be making a change#and i. i know the only cure for this is time. and rest.#but i can't rest.#i can't do anything but sit here and try to forget how miserable i am#im tired of pretending im ok. im tired of pretending im getting better.#im tired of pretending im doing okay so i won't blame myself for not fixing me.#im tired of pretending i have hope because GOOD sick people have hope.#im tired of the consequences of my inaction catching up to me then i have to deal with that when i couldnt deal with their cause in the#first place#i have so many tabs open and its slowing down my computer and phone. but i can't bring myself to go through them and finish my business#with them so i can close them.#im tired of my room getting dirtier and dirtier and nothing is organized properly and my sheets are falling off my bed but i can't remake i#im tired. im tired.#lassie vents#vent
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this is fr just how im going to spend my entire week i love not having any responsibilities
#i have work for the rest of june sstarting next week so im taking my time off ok. let me have this#you will not gt posts you will get totk liveblogs#but like. hi all day. im on an american schedule so like. say hi.please. i will talk about charscters
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...
#tomorrow is the day the measurements start. the start of my 40+ days of torment. but idk im glad its finally here#i dont have to dread it anymore. hopefully its the last time i have to do these type of measurements#i was talking to my boss yesterday and she was like: oh last timr we were out i realized this might be ur last time doing lpi for thr rest#of ur life. and i was like god i hope so. bc thats a process where i crawl across the ground for 50m per transect and identify all the#plants and soil cover and for the life of me i cant fucking remember plant codes. i hate it bc i basically have to talk for like 3hrs and#have someone standing over my shoulder recording me and all the while my brain is screaminf at me bc field work doesnt count as real work#in my stupid brain. so yea ill do lpi and soil stability as benign torment in purgatory#but anyway. im hesitantly optimistic abt the measurements i have to take bc im going to try my best to make it ok bc i have school#interviews looming and i have to pretend im hanging on by more than a single thread ya kno#so we r going to b careful abt it. well at least well see how long it lasts. i also have tk find the time to read a bunch before interviews#while my brain is completely fried idk how. and do other lab stuff. sigh...#idk im probably going to take measurements all the way thru sunday and then monday see if i can fill out patent intake info with a psy#psychiatrist. and hope they take my insurance. i called and checked for providers and they were the only one in the area so shoulf b ok but#ya kno. god im barely a functional person. like the fact that i have to drive 8min down the road is very nearly enough for me to say fuck#it. id rather suffer forever. i just hate driving so much :-P#i just wish i could focus enough to make words make sense and justify the time i spend to learn things. agh#lmao im such an anxious person. a lab mate had a birthday today and my boss and a fellow lab member surprised her with a cake#and im v worried abt when my birthday happens. it wasnt so bad last time bc another birthday was also that week so the focus was off me a#lil but with my boss leaving this school i was like. yes. i escape the surprise gathering. but probably not. same for when i leave#genuinely i do not want a gathering. i just feel like im waiting for them to end. not that i dont like my lab mates but idk it feels so#artificial. and i feel awkward bc i never make eye contact or look at anyone in a way i think is typical bc i see ppl look at me#like turn their head to see my reaction to something and i just like fundamentally do not understand that impulse#whatever. what i want for my birthday or going away is to not attend the gathering. make it more like a wake lol#but i kno that wont happen. last year my boss asked whst i wanted and i said nothing and she said that wasnt allowed#im just so neurotic that if u try to do anything for me itll prob just upset me. but idk ppl like to give presents and stuff#and sometimes things arent all abt me. so i just gotta accept it and go cry abt it later#but thats like 3 months away so i dont kno why im so stressed abt it now. I've got more pressing things to stress abt#unrelated
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btw they confirmed that line they sent was intentionally flirty and said something like "this is just me flirting on easy mode. I can't wait to see how you react when I really turn on the charm đ"
#if you need me i'll be decomposing over here because I literally cannot handle heavy flirting like Idk what to do with myself đ”âđ«đ„Ž#So I said ''I promise you I cant handle it đ”âđ«'' then went on to explain that flirting makes me feel like a robot short circuiting#& then because I was super caffeinated & running on 3 hours' sleep I decided to get into the details of how ive felt the last couple days#& also many other things that I probably should've saved for a person-to-person chat but oh well#I ended it saying im sorry I tend to ramble sometimes & tbh youll have to tell me to shut up sometimes or else I'll keep going (like nowđ)#that was at like 3am & they replied around 7am telling me that was very cute of me & they pinky promise theyre ok taking things slow#im a bit worried I've come off as overbearing or something else but tbh I'm being open & honest about what im thinking/feeling#and if it does scare them off then that's ok it just means they weren't the right one for me rn & thats fine#although they did also agree this morning that they enjoyed our kiss and are looking forward to doing it again sometime so we'll see đ€đ€#ok time for bed cause im super sleep deprived & have some stuff to do later so gotta rest up#I really don't want to have to do laundry later but it's that or have no clean work clothes through the week so#emma rambles#personal#dating tag
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Me: So yeah, I basically just helped save my Dads life today
#aphjapan blog#chai personal#chai posts#chai chatter#chai positive#chai dad#family health emergencies#(???????)#(I AM HAVING A DAY)#(I did finally GET SLEEP o m ggg)#(bUTYEAH)#(OK I AM NOT UP FOR ANYTHING BUT RESTING TODAY AND THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND PREFERABLY ENTIRE NEXT WEEK)#(But the short gist of it was)#(Dad fell)#(AGAINST THE DOOR)#(So I was trying holding Dads door open THE ENTIRE TIME because I was worried if I moved Id hit Dad somehow or hed fall further)#(and I COULD NOT GET TO THE PHONE because I WAS HOLDING THE DOOR)#(So I managed to get other fam up SOMEHOW)#(Other fam managed to make the emergency call while I kept trying to talk to Dad to make sure he was responding to us ok)#(then while they were trying to BREAK INTO DADS ROOM BY TAKING THE WINDOW PANE OFF I tried to keep Dad calm throughout)#(and Dad started responding more clearly to me partway so by the time they had gotten in they were able to get Dad up properly in a chair)#(all of Dads vitals were clear SOMEHOW)#(Dad made it through rest of day all right SOMEHOW and DIDNT hit his head)#(but were definitely keeping a super close eye on him because hhHHHHHH THIS HAPPENED AT THE CRACK OF DAWN)#({If I HADNT BEEN AWAKE I MIGHT NOT HAVE GOTTEN TO MY DAD IN TIME..... ImGratefulIWas for once my poor sleep HELPED US})#(OK I AM JOKING IN AN ATTEMPT TO KEEP MYSELF CALM ABT IT ALL but PLEASE for the love of EVERYTHING be KIND communicating to me)#(Over the course of the next week or so id SUPER APPRECIATE IT)#emergency tw
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AHHHHHH
#thinking ââactually Iâm doing pretty good right nowâ is the devil. a cruel temptress.#bc these last two days I have actually felt! really terrible! RIGHT AFTER i was like. im actualy doing pretty ok rn#Iâm so annoyingly lonely. I feel like an annoyance to my friends.#I donât have anyone near me. I have to work every day for the rest of my life#and I love what I do but. Iâm fucking tired. I just want a Week off. is that too much to ask#but the thing is.#having a week off is ALSO bad for me. bc I donât have anyone here. and I just spend it inside#and like. i WANT to rest. I want to be able to spend time at home. and also be w ppl#here. in person. but that canât happen. bc there are not ppl here to do that w.#and my stomach hurts. and Iâm bad at taking care of myself.#I think I just. want a hug. but also if I got that I think Iâd cry and I donât. want to do that. but I think I need both things. I guess.#I just. miss ppl. and wish ppl would see me as a fully realized person. and not as ideas of who I am. sigh.#but itâs ok! bc I will feel normal after this outburst and be ok. I guess.#roxy talks
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wore the âgot teeth?â shirt to work today đđ» (venting about my work day in the tags. Sorry)
#adri.txt#face#work today was. really really hard#i was rolling a misc cart aka putting miscellaneous items out on the floor#and i was being timed and then after that one i had to do the rest of them and time myself#and i was putting out bags of assorted toys#and my store manager was there just shopping w her daughter. not working. just shopping#and she asked me how i was doing and i was like. yeah well thereâs a lot of toys to be put out and im running out of room#so sheâs like. oh ok. and starts taking the toy bags from over two weeks ago off the wall#and her daughter asked her why she was working and she said it was bc i was having trouble#and itâs like. i was. but. i donât know. and then i just stood there looking stupid while she did that#i just hated it. it literally sounds like nothing but it felt so awful i canât explain it#it was literally the most nothing situation ever it wasnât a big deal but it made me cry#and then after i finished rolling the cart i went into the bathroom to cry#and then i asked my supervisor if i could do literally anything else for the rest of my shift#bc rolling misc was really overwhelming for some reason#and she was like yes u can do overs and unders and i was like. thank u. *is crying*#literally nothing was wrong. nothing bad was happening. i was just freaking out#just freaking the fuck out for no reason .. i just hate it. and i hate myself for reacting that way.#i wish i was normal and could deal with things normally#i feel like no one understood why i was freaking out. and like. fair bc idk if i even do#but even my work bestie seemed confused (supportive but confused) and i just felt so embarrassed#ugh. whatever.#vent over. sorry
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Congrats to the ultimate winner of the Hot & Vintage Movie Men Tournament, Mr. Toshiro Mifune! May he live happily and well where the sun always shines, enjoying the glories of a battle hard fought.
A loving farewell to all of our previous contestants, who are now banished to the shadow realm and all its dark joys and whispered horrorsâI hear there's a picnic on the village green today. If you want to remember the fallen heroes, you can find them all beneath the cut.
What happens next? I'll be taking a break of two weeks to rest from this and prep for the Hot & Vintage Ladies Tournament. I'll still be around but only minimally, posting a few last odes to the hot men before transitioning into a little early ladies content, just like I did with this last tournament. The submission form for the Hot & Vintage Ladies tournament will remain up for one more week (closing February 21st), so get your submissions in for that asap! Once the form closes, there will be one more week of break. The first round of the Hot & Vintage Ladies Tournament will be posted on February 29th, as Leap Year Day seems like a fitting allusion to leaping into these ladies' arms.
Thanks for being here! Enjoy the two weeks off, and send me some great propaganda.
In order of the last round they survivedâ
ROUND ONE HOTTIES:
Richard Burton
Tony Curtis
Red Skelton
Keir Dullea
Jack Lemmon
Kirk Douglas
Marcello Mastroianni
Jean-Pierre Cassel
Robert Wagner
James Garner
James Coburn
Rex Harrison
George Chakiris
Dean Martin
Sean Connery
Tab Hunter
Howard Keel
James Mason
Steve McQueen
George Peppard
Elvis Presley
Rudolph Valentino
Joseph Schildkraut
Ray Milland
Claude Rains
John Wayne
William Holden
Douglas Fairbanks Sr.
Harold Lloyd
Charlie Chaplin
John Gilbert
Ramon Novarro
Slim Thompson
John Barrymore
Edward G. Robinson
William Powell
Leslie Howard
Peter Lawford
Mel Ferrer
Joseph Cotten
Keye Luke
Ivan Mosjoukine
Spencer Tracy
Felix Bressart
Ronald Reagan (here to be dunked on)
Peter Lorre
Bob Hope
Paul Muni
Cornel Wilde
John Garfield
Cantinflas
Henry Fonda
Robert Mitchum
Van Johnson
José Ferrer
Robert Preston
Jack Benny
Fredric March
Gene Autry
Alec Guinness
Fayard Nicholas
Ray Bolger
Orson Welles
Mickey Rooney
Glenn Ford
James Cagney
ROUND TWO SWOONERS:
Dick Van Dyke
James Edwards
Sammy Davis Jr.
Alain Delon
Peter O'Toole
Robert Redford
Charlton Heston
Cesar Romero
Noble Johnson
Lex Barker
David Niven
Robert Earl Jones
Turhan Bey
Bela Lugosi
Donald O'Connor
Carman Newsome
Oscar Micheaux
Benson Fong
Clint Eastwood
Sabu Dastagir
Rex Ingram
Burt Lancaster
Paul Newman
Montgomery Clift
Fred Astaire
Boris Karloff
Gilbert Roland
Peter Cushing
Frank Sinatra
Harold Nicholas
Guy Madison
Danny Kaye
John Carradine
Ricardo MontalbĂĄn
Bing Crosby
ROUND THREE SMOKESHOWS:
Marlon Brando
Anthony Perkins
Michael Redgrave
Gary Cooper
Conrad Veidt
Ronald Colman
Rock Hudson
Basil Rathbone
Laurence Olivier
Christopher Plummer
Johnny Weismuller
Clark Gable
Fernando Lamas
Errol Flynn
Tyrone Power
Humphrey Bogart
ROUND 4 STUNGUNS:
James Dean
Cary Grant
Gregory Peck
Sessue Hayakawa
Harry Belafonte
James Stewart
Gene Kelly
Peter Falk
QUARTERFINALIST VOLCANIC TOWERS OF LUST:
Jeremy Brett
Vincent Price
James Shigeta
Buster Keaton
SEMIFINALIST SUPERMEN:
Omar Sharif
Paul Robeson
FINALIST FANTASIES:
Sidney Poitier
Toshiro Mifune
and ok, sure, here's the shadow-bracket-style winner's portrait of Toshiro Mifune.
#hotvintagepoll#hot men finals#a winner crowned!#fuck that old man (requiem)#shadow bracket#toshiro mifune
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