#me vomiting all over myself: i love making art. my characters make me 'happy'

[sincurse]

Having a moment here bear with me.

Funny to see the progression of the fantasies V forces B to endure hearing about. Like I don't know that going from 'I'm going to rape you to death while your only friends watch and I'm gonna wear your elder brother's face while i do it' to -> 'i am going to slit your achilles heels and keep you trapped in bed as our kids gnaw on the bones of anyone that has ever abused you in the past (it should only be me abusing you)' is a vast improvement.

It's especially fucked as V grows more attached and starts to propose demented hypotheticals. Talking about how much he wishes they could've been a real family, how if HE was B's real older brother by blood he never would've let B's family neglect him the way they did. V would've uhhhh groomed him :-) what if I was your older brother and I snuck into your room at night and started touching you while you slept. And our parents caught us so I had to kill them.

Like what if I fucked you in the barn :-) in a big pile of hay :-) and you squealed and tried to get away but you ended up secretly liking it. And I took you for rides in my big pickup truck and I took care of you and I took took took until there was nothing left to take. And our parents rotted away in the fields, buried for ever raising a hand to you. Because I'm the only one that should. You should fear MY hands alone.

And ofc the inevitable conclusion V draws from all this is 'well if BIG BROTHER didn't get to be there for your childhood we'll just have to recreate it. Let's have kids and live vicariously through THOSE siblings.'

[pixelatedraindrops]

About my Illness Whump Guilty Passion:

I really enjoy it ^-^

The only whump content I enjoy is illness whump. (no others) Why? Because content around it is usually super fluffy and wholesome. (plus anime characters specifically look really cute when they're sick. The flushed faces, the messy hair and the cozy pjs... and the weak tired voices… gah its all so cute!! >w<)

My personal favorite trope to play with is high fevers, migraines, and exhaustion/fainting 🌡️

Colds/Flus are super fun too (tho I'm not too graphic on it as some people are) 🤧I'm not too into snz (its fine) but I do like coughing a lot.

I'm not into emeto as an actual emetophobic with irl people…💦 However, sometimes I can write it in an implied sense with little graphic detail. And at times I do enjoy reading it if its not TOO graphic. 🤢 (I'm better with it in fictional media and art, but if it's irl emeto with real people vomiting, then nope THAT triggers me.)

Reasons illness/caretaking hurt/comfort tropes are my favorite

I love when a usually strong, serious, stoic (or asshole) character becomes more vulnerable when they're taken down by illness (bonus points if they become super needy >w<)

Really great fluff fodder for a Parent/Guardian and Child type of relationship. Or even a found-family situation.

Super wholesome and sweet for shipping, siblings, or close friendships. In sickness and in health as they say :3

~

It is not in any way a kink for me. It's just a trope I really enjoy and fangirl over, but I never get off on it. It just makes me genuinely happy. Its a comfort of sorts to me💜

Its my favorite type of genre to read and watch. And I even write/draw/edit it myself sometimes c: And I usually have my favorite character as the victim of it :3c

It's also made me really like nurse-aesthetics. Especially masks and thermometers >w<

Just wanted to gab a bit about this.

Here's my AO3 if you wanna read my few fics I have written~

And this is my prime whumpee~🌡️💊

(note this is an EDIT I wish it was real ;w;)

Rain Code Whump Tag

Art Tag

Thanks for listening!

Fluffy sickies ftw~ <3

[8k26]

☠︎ ┈•.*⛧ please don’t spam me to get my attention, my activity with replies fluctuates but i’m pretty active with occ. getting spammed just turns me off. either way i can get busy or simply take breaks. i’m usually good at giving updates, i appreciate if you could do the same, but life gets in the way. i’m mentally ill and tired lmao

☠︎ ┈•.*⛧ im half black half salvadorian. 95% of my oc’s are poc and i use their culture in their backstories and personality. i try to be as accurate as possible to ones i’m not familiar with–feel free to correct if i get something wrong, i love learning about cultures!! most of them are in gang/crime related stories, some are demons, i don’t mind putting them in au’s where they’re something completely different, however their personality will stay the same. obviously if you’re racist or don’t like playing poc characters then leave. same goes with any type of bigotry and phobie or ism against people

☠︎ ┈•.*⛧ i only rp on discord, i like playing in servers since they’re the most organized. i only use tumblr to find partners and plot. i don’t do one liners. my bare minimum requirement is 2-3 paragraphs with some good substance. quality over quantity. i don’t mind time skipping to get right to the good parts, it’s a drag pushing through the slow parts of the plot

☠︎ ┈•.*⛧ smut is required for me. i’m a pwp girlie and idc💕 same thing with angst and drama. (doesn’t mean i’m not willing to have some more plot focused rps if you’re not looking for smut heavy ones) i’ll pick a toxic relationship over a happy carefree one every time. give me the most deprived shit–or a relationship with some turmoil that’ll take some time to fix. i even do dead dove themes; all except under 16 and animal abuse. i still have limits when it comes to kinks: no feet, bathroom stuff, any type of baby play, pregnancy/mpreg, omegaverse, forced fem, spitting, and vomit. i go off the kinks my characters have anyways. ofc i still do expect a good story going on with in depth characters, world building, and side characters. i still appreciate moments of fluff. i love yapping about our characters and sending memes and music. trust me i can get very hyperfixated on a ship and will not shut up about ideas i’ve thought about or little moments between them

☠︎ ┈•.*⛧ most of my muses are male, no i will not be your sole male provider to your female muses. i don’t mind playing as your wanted fc’s but don’t demand it, and dont get mad if i don’t wanna play as any of them. i wouldn’t do that to you. i’m not too picky against other’s characters so long as they don’t act like clueless bratty subs. for majorities sake i’ll be using irl fc’s but don’t be afraid to come at me with art of your own or by some other source. i’m an artist myself though i rarely even finish sketches now. keep in mind i like to play as and against hypermasc muses, while i’m more flexible with females. sorry if i sounds really picky, i just know what i like and tryna find ppl who are the same lol

☠︎ ┈•.*⛧ lastly, i may sound serious, i promise i’m not. once you get to know me you’ll see all i do is make jokes and nothing i say is really serious. i love brain dead memes and i’m really stupid. i try not to make things seem like a business transaction. if you don’t wanna be super close with occ then that’s fine too! the main goal is to just have fun with the rp.

[medievildead]

This is gonna be long and none of you have to read this. I just need to vomit out a happy rant about God of War.

Like I don't know how to describe my joy and I know I keep saying it I know I do but like. Having been a fan of this series since the very first release in the 2000s, loving the story and the depth of Kratos and seeing just how vast and big and huge the fanbase is now. The fanworks people make have made my heart so happy. These games always meant so much to me as a greek mythology kid and its up there with one of the first series me and my dad ever played together (he made me step out of the room during Those Scenes, don't worry)

I remember my dad and I first seeing the demo for the first ever God of War on a ps2 demo disc we got from back when GameStop was still EB Games in Canada. We both thought it was so cool. I watched him play the demo over and over again, until one day he could finally get the full game and we were even more hooked. We beat the game so many times together and watched the bonus content until the disc wouldn't work anymore. We tried our hand at every difficulty just to unlock every costume.

I remember when God of War II came out he was one of the first in line to get it that weekend. He even got the BradyGames player guide, which me and my brother read over and over and over again looking through the pages, all the lore hints and bonus content, all the characters and concept art until the pages ripped out. I still have the poster from that guidebook hanging in my bedroom. I still know where all the secrets are in that game like the back of my hand. When the game was beat and the final cutscene played my gad and I would always day how exited we were for the next installment.

I remember the day my dad got our PSP. He got the God of War bundle, the special red edition with the decal of Kratos on the back, the one that came with Chains of Olympus. I remember waking up early on the weekends to sit with him on the couch and watch him play. And if I ever missed anything because the screen was too small he would describe it to me happily. And when Ghost of Sparta came out I got to experience it all over again.

I remember when we first started seeing trailers for GoW iii and I got so exited. I remember my dad and I playing the demo with the chimera battle and being so, so so happy, saying we couldn't wait for the game to come out. I remember my dad refraining from buying the game on his own, waiting to stop somewhere on the way home from school just to buy it with me. And at this point I was finally old enough to figure out a game controller on my own, without my dad helping me at all, and the thrill of playing as Kratos on my own was a titular moment of me realizing I was growing up. Like not to be emo but playing God of War on my own during my adolescent years hit me more than puberty.

I can go on forever. I remember the day Ascension came out, and booking it to EB Games just to try out all the new features. I remember when I saw the novels for sale at a shop in the city, and not wasting another breath telling my dad I wanted them, and reading them more than I read my books for school reports. I remember almost crying because I didn't own a smartphone and couldn't play God of War: Betrayal and being so relieved to see footage was uploaded online and I was able to experience it that way. The only reason I knew what Soul Calibur even was is because Kratos was playable in Broken Destiny for the PSP. He was my main by the way

TL;DR this series was my childhood. It means so much to me. Every time my dad played he would select easy mode so he could read out the story to me. I hyperfixated on the story. And already being a mythos obsessed kid, GoW encouraged me to research mythos even further. And I was so happy when I would replay the games after learning more and more to understand reference after reference after reference. Teaching myself new glitches and exploits and finding new secrets in hidden areas after every playthrough. Rebuying the games every single time they were ported to a new system or I lost the disc. I own like 3 or 4 copies of each game at this point because I never want to not have them. It was like a new experience every time.

However. The games were always popular yeah. Highly rated. Fun to play. Kratos was a Playstation Icon. but large playerbase meant nothing in the long run for me.

I frequented gaming forums and Facebook in the early days and it was easy to tell most everybody playing these games hardly gave two shits about the story. There was nobody who really wanted to talk about lore. Nobody who really wanted to go in depth about characters. Nobody who really wanted to share ideas beyond the main focus. I remember going on deviantart and seeing people post fanwork on the occasion whenever a new game was released, but then never again. Silence. Interest lost as quickly as it came. Honestly I noticed even when the leaks for the Norse saga were published, the majority of people turned to look, were interested, started talking, but then looked away elsewhere when it wasn't the flavour of the month anymore.

I remember running God of War blogs back in 2012 to 2015 and nothing. Maybe three people interacted. Maybe three people bothered. But there were little to no fans. An audience yes but, fans? Fanartists? Writers? Headcanons? Any kind of fanmade media at all besides a few one off images online? I'd be lucky if I saw a shitpost that mentioned Kratos.

I remember writing fanfiction and posting fanart when I was twelve. I remember having action figures of Kratos decorating my shelf and playing with them till they broke and crying bc I was so upset. I loved enjoying these games. I was having so much fun on my own. I came to terms with an audience of none. Accepting that, despite the popularity of the series, to make fancontent for it, to entertain myself with the deeper lore of it was nothing but a niche.

Even with the release of 2018, as happy as I was for the new hopeful wave of fans, I was always a little upset when I saw people who played that installment as their introduction to God of War, go on to say they had no interest in giving the previous games a whirl because of the difference in gameplay and story.

At the end of it all it was still a niche.

So just... here we are today.

Here we are today and I can go into the God of War tag and be hit with a wave of the most gorgeous shit I've ever seen. Here we are today and I wake up to the most incredible drawings and paintings of the characters I grew up with in the most creative scenarios. The fanfictions that span chapters and rip deep into Kratos and his story. The headcanons that take inspiration from the most obscure lore bits from the series. The OCs that are inspired by this series' specific interpretation of mythology.

I can't put it into words. With the release of the Norse saga it's been... amazing. I just genuinley can't describe my joy. When I was playing the games themselves and the older games, the games I've been hyperfixated on my whole life were mentioned, that was one thing. But seeing other people comment on it. Discuss it. Be invested. Enjoy it enough to be inspired. Its like... So amazing.

I don't know what it is. Maybe its because of how the new games were more story driven than the previous installments. Maybe its because of the protrayal of the characters. Maybe its because of the popularity of norse mythology. I don't know and honestly I do not fucking care what the reason is. All I know is that I'm seeing people fall in love with something that means this much to me. Thank you Santa Monica for not forgetting about the story and games that made Kratos.

Seeing people who finished Ragnarok saying they were finally going to start playing the previous games. Or watching gameplay. Or reading up on the lore. Making fanart of the Greek saga. Fanfiction of it. Talking about it. Talking about the story. The deep, heartbreaking but important story that the games have always been telling and was always there that I have been invested in since childhood. I see fanart of Kratos and Calliope together, of Orkos, of Deimos, AUs and headcanons about them, and I want to cry happy tears.

I know you guys aren't making this content for me specifically. But I still have to say thank you. Thank you for making my heart happy. Thank you for reminding me of my most beloved memories every day with the stuff you make. You make my soul happy. Thank you for making stuff I can love and cherish and share with other fans, OTHER FANS, that I can talk to and listen to and discuss lore and art and ideas with about something so beloved to me and now beloved to others. I see people posting about it in depth and I am so happy to talk to or just hear people talk.

To ALL the fanartists, writers, and just fans in general who actually enjoy my or anyone else's GoW content, all of you on behalf of every long time God of War fan thank you so much for being a part of this community.

The feeling of knowing a series of media that's been so obsessively near and dear to me my entire life is becoming dear to others is indescribable. I know I'm being so emo about this but fr like... having people I can just. Talk to about GoW lore and nodding and agreeing and. Ahhhh.

I'll stop rambling now because I could go on forever but just like. Thank yall for being here. The stuff you guys make and share means more than you think.

Thank ya 💕💕🙏

[ri-writes-if]

Chapter 2 just solidified my love for Ash even more, already thinking up a marriage proposal for them, gotta make it as grand as their existence 😔

Also Az is such a damn riot and I love them so much for that, the banter with them and Os had me cackling so much (If given the chance I think Os would have strangled them for being so chatty 😭), Os seems like someone I’d like to further know (and partially because their comments to Az is funny to me) and perhaps we’ll see more of them during the party (and hopefully nothing happens if MC’s so called “friends” are there….)

And Laz is such a cutie like 🥰, don’t worry Laz, your painting skills are top tier I bet! Love how they’re just there saying their paintings aren’t all that good but I remember hearing a certain well known painter praising that art of yours, Laz 👀

And the way Az mentioned Ezer n Os’ clan dynamic but does say Vez’s name…👀. Kinda curious about that now cause out of all of them Vez’s perhaps the one I know least and that’s my fault for always choosing Ash’s options, probably, or the fact they’re meant to be as distant as that?? I don’t know but either way I love them just as much as the rest of the ROs

And the talks of this “her” has caught my attention and I can’t wait for more information to come out about MC’s situation and the fact none of the shadows have ever spoken to the MC unless they speak the them until this very moment?? Something is about to happen and I don’t think the MC can ever fully escape what’s to come

Forgive me for the word vomit but the newest chapter has awakened me in ways I don’t know and I’m going feral over it, maybe, possibly. I’ll end this by saying I’m absolutely in love with the way you write and the details?? Everything you write is so beautiful and so clearly written if that makes any sense? Anyway I hope you have a good day and to take care of yourself 🙏🏼

Thank you a lot for such a lovely message. You made me smile so wide!! I love this word vomit very much 💛 I'll go over it in more detail because who can stop me

I'm happy you love Ash! I was worried they might become the least favorite of sorts because of their rather reserved personality. They were the first character I created for this story, so they hold a special place in my heart, and it's good to see that they have their lovers 💛

I'm glad you enjoyed Os & Az banter. I had a lot of fun writing their interaction during that scene, especially because none of this was planned, they just took control over the conversation, lol

Laz is a cutie? I see you've fallen for their charm 😔 And yep, you're right. Vez is supposed to come as distant. There's a hint in one of their branches that they might have a lot on their mind right now, considering the news the MC brought them, hehe 🤭

You'll definitely learn more about the shadows and the Palace in the future. And "her". I'm excited to tell more about the mess the MC is in! They think they have it bad, but it's about to become so much worse.

Thank you again for your detailed comment and for mentioning my writing style. English isn't my first language, so I second guess myself a lot. It's nice to hear someone likes how I write. I hope you have a good day too! 💛

[daraemory]

tl;dr I’m really struggling to find my place in the pro-wrestling fandom.

(disclaimer: I’ve been taking a break from twitter and tumblr for the past couple of months so I don’t know anything about any recent iwc drama, what’s been going on in the dirt sheets or even the more legitimate wrestling news sources. i’ve been on tiktok some but unless it’s a ship or thirst edit, i hardly watch any posts on wrestle-tok.)

i feel like all i ever see in the wrestling fandom is people talking about how everything sucks. how terrible the product is. don’t get me wrong, people should be free to criticize pop-culture no matter the genre or medium. there is absolutely a LOT of problematic things in the industry that should be called out publicly.

it’s just, that seems to be all there is. wrestling makes me happy. i want to be in a community with other fans who are made happy by it too.

maybe it’s because i’m too used to the typical tv/movie/book fandoms. while i will jump at the chance to tell anyone who will listen how there is no greater performance art than wrestling, that is more “real” than marvel or star wars (which i both love) or any other popular franchise, that no “method actor” in hollywood comes close to what pro wrestlers do year round… but at it’s core it’s still about stories and characters and that’s the way i tend to approach it.

i want to have thoughtful discussions about current storylines like how luchasaurus is showing signs that he is breaking free from christian’s influence, theorize the possible motivations he had for choosing christian over jungleboy to begin with. i want to talk about how dalton castle is spiraling under the weight he’s put on his own shoulders to save ring of honor. i want to talk about the new version of warhorse and what led him to feel he had to change everything about who he was. my shipper heart wants to explore why jay white mentioned his “destino” only days before naito finally main evented wrestle kingdom. i want to read pages of meta about past arcs like the corruption of brandon cutler from his time with peter avalon where he refused to cheat to his becoming the “stooge” for the young bucks.

i am tired of “booking” and “pushes” and “ratings.” yes, i am aware that that is just as much a part of wrestling as the characters and the storylines. it’s just, for right now at least, i want wrestling to be a place where i can escape and lose myself in kayfabe just like i would in any other fictional world.

there’s just so much real life awfulness going on in both the world at large and in my own personal life, i want to be able to stay away from negativity in the things that bring me joy. and while it has been refreshing to just watch wrestling on tv without knowing about any of the back stage bullshit, i am longing for a community to discuss the things i love about it. i have a handful of wonderful non-wrestling friends who are always happy to let me word-vomit about what’s happening in kayfabe, but it isn’t the same as being able to have conversations with people who have the same knowledge and enthusiasm for the stories and characters as i do.

i just wonder if there is such a place in this fandom for me. or if that’s just not how wrestling fandom works. or if that’s how all fandoms are these days. admittedly, i’m a fandom old. i started out in fandom reading fics from yahoo mailing lists i accessed on dial-up internet.

anyways, i just needed to get this out. if anyone has any advice or thoughts about this, i welcome them, but please be patient if i don’t reply right away as i’m still not ready to be back on tumblr regularly.

[deerixiie]

APPRECIATION POST!!

june 29th, or a little more that 6 months ago i posted my first fic. that was honestly the best decision of my life because tho tumblr is a hellsite it’s a hellsite that got me through a hellish year. i just want to come out and express my extreme gratitude for all of the people who have gotten me through 2020.

my followers. i remember when i first hit 100 and i was so excited bc 100 ppl in the world actually appreciated my writing enough to follow me...and then more of you guys started coming and sent sweet asks and suddenly i felt so loved 🥺 i didn’t expect to gain the following i did on this hellsite but i did and i love you guys so much :( thank u so much for being here through it all and making this year so much better!!

character anons/other anons; i know i don’t have much and not all of u are active but you!!! you guys are the bestest people on earth!!! shoyo, haji, yams, and all my noya anons,,, i love u guys sm. seeing you in my inbox made me so happy and i loved interacting w you 🥺💗 i hope you guys have an amazing new year and i hope you can talk more soon!! same goes for my other anons, 💜, 🍁, iara, and all the other anons that have send me asks, i love you guys so much!! getting anons and asks was something that made me feel so appreciated and important and seeing your asks always made my day!! ily guys <3

@sa-suga, @neonghxst, @sanso, @starrysamu, @stelleum, @myelocin, and a whole bunch of others writers; you are the most amazing people on the planet. writing on a site like this that gives little to no appreciation is so amazing of you :( your fics have made me smile, laugh, cry, and even grow as a person and i’m so grateful for that! bc of u i was able to distract myself from all the crappy things that happened this year. ily guys so much!

and now, my mutuals!!

@hajiimes; cola i will always always start with you. my closest friend, writing genius, someone i can bounce ideas off of, ask for help, watch movies with, voice call for hours with, and simp over characters with. getting close with you was one of the best things of this year and i really appreciate you for it. its really refreshing to have such a close friend i can really turn to and talk to about stuff that’s bothering me and i know i do it a lot and i’m a terrible friend sometimes but you’re always there for me :( and yeah we tease each other a lot and you’re honestly so annoying sometimes but yeah it’s fun and i love you so <3 STOP MAKING BREAKUP PLAYLISTS OKAY IM SORRY

@sugakuns + @suikazura + @kageyuji + @miyasangel + @giorvanna + @sophiawithstars + @hajiimes; i literally could not have gotten through 2020 without dinonet. it’s the first discord server and probably only discord server that i’ve really felt at home in because you all are so accepting and sweet. your support and love and kindness have gotten me past this year. i’ve been able to laugh and scream and vent and word vomit and be myself because of you all and i’m so appreciative of that. i cant wait for an entire new year with you all, ilysm!

@mehreya; you changed your url and i freaked tf out but ANYWAYS HEYYY~ rae i literally. i literally love you so much like. where would i be without you? you’re so welcoming and comforting and i love you so much :( if there’s anyone i’d share a deformed braincell with, it’s with you!! i feel like i can relate to you?? so much?? i literally keysmash in your inbox sending like 12 messages and i don’t have to worry about you getting upset because you do the same thing right back. we share really similar interests and you’re so compassionate and sweet and ugh i’m gna cry ily

@suikazura; bae i. how do i even say this. you’re literally the kindest, sexiest, funniest, loveliest person i’ve ever met. when i had a really bad day and broke down you were there to hype me up and tell me such wonderful things that i still think about all the time. you wrote a poem comparing me to the sun. ME?? THE SUN?? sui i don’t even know where to go with this ive never had someone do that for me and you doing that just makes me tear up and i’m tearing up writing this- and i love your humor so much despite the fact that it haunts me to this day and your art is so pretty and i could look at it for hours. like man i can’t believe someone like you exists i don’t deserve you at ALL. ilysm bubs

@cavalree; AZZIE WE HAVENT EVEN TALKED THAT MUCH BUT OUR CONVERSATION YESTERDAY WAS >>> THIS IS ME SAYING WE SHOULD TALK MORE WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON

@fairyoomi + @luvromis + @rilacry; we’ve been moots for So Long but i have no idea what to talk about w u so i get intimidated and don’t talk :( ily guys so much though, you’re really sweet and kind and your humor is literally top tier. this is so weird to say but reading ur self-ship posts makes me so happy bc i feel like i can be open about my self-ship too,, it rlly comforts me and makes me feel loved hehe. i miss talking to u guys even though it was barely anything and i rlly hope 2021 is the year we get closer!!

@sophiashortcake + @star-puff + @kurooskult; we’ve recently become mutuals but i love your vibes!! i really hope i get to interact with you more next year so we can become closer <3

@bunx; BIG SIS!! literally i feel so bad for not talking to u because you’re literally the blueprint :( i just don’t know what to talk about and then get all freaked out XBSKSJD i’ve stared at your disc so many times debating what to say cbsjs but anyway thank you so much for being here from the beginning! i know for a fact ill wouldnt be where i am today w/out u 🥺 ilysm bubs

other moots that made this year so much more beautiful i want to get closer too!: @haikoo, @4fterh0urs, @run-004, @sugasugawarau, @s4ijoh, @gg9183, @baeshijima 🥺💗💗, @kozu-mei , @kaguol ily all so so much, you all are such amazing ppl and i hope we get to talk more!!

[a3hastakenovermylife]

Ok, I really, really want some quality interaction between Kazunari and Taichi.

Like I know that we all joke about them because they’re our energetic, adorable, puppy pair, and yes, that is who they are on the surface. But, when you simplify their whole character arcs down to just that, you’re flattening their characters and you lose the depth that the game hints at for the both of them.

The game did a really great job at letting Taichi flush out a decent sized character arc, and concluded that story in a satisfying way during the Autumn Troupe arc. We see our sunshine boy upset, withdrawn, and separating himself from the others out of guilt. Then we see him distraught over the things he’s done and being comforted by Omi (honestly my favorite interaction in the whole series, second only to Juza and Banri high-fiving). Then we see him confessing to the others, and they all retell their portraits to one another, and Taichi finally gets to accept that he’s been forgiven, and more than that, that he’s been truly accepted into the troupe. For the first time, he gets to understand that he will get to act, he’s going to have the opportunity to do what he loves and he’s going to be able to do it with people he’s come to care so much about.

Taichi is in a much better place at the end of the Autumn Troupe arc, and we can see the potential for that to grow in the future.  However, I do not feel like we get to nearly the same place with Kazunari.

With Kazunari, we begin to understand that he puts on a front with other people, that he acts all happy and tends to agree with everyone as to not ruffle any feathers.  He’s never had a group of real friends before the Summer Troupe, and when confronted with the fact that he not only doesn’t have to pretend to be neutral, that his friends don't want him to be.  Kazunari made some real progress here, he did stand tall and give his opinion, but he isn’t shown to make any other significant changes.  Nor, can we tell whether this was a permanent change.  

He’s still the same energetic Kazunari, friendly and fun-loving as always.  I can’t help but feel like his character arc was left mostly incomplete, we know there's a problem, but we haven't taken many steps to fix it, nor does it seem like Kazu has had any change in attitude.  He’s still bottling most of his emotions up, refusing to show anything other than his cheery smile.  

Here’s where we get into some of my own characterization here, because as a freshmen art major myself, I know, I know, that college isn't easy.  On top of all of that, trying to pretend that everything is fine, is like putting a band-aid on a stab wound.  The longer you hold everything in, the more mentally isolated you make yourself.  Even surrounded by kind, loving, caring people, you can feel totally alone.  On top of that, place his pre-existing tendency to hide any and all of his real opinions and feelings, which isn't the kind of mental behavior you can fix overnight.  

What you’re left with is a ticking time bomb.

No human being can be happy all the time.  It's just not possible.  

When a human being is upset, they will need help eventually.  Especially, a college student, stepping out into the world for the first time on their own, a pseudo-adult who likes to pretend they've grown up already.  

Kazunari needs that character arc of his to be finished, because right now, he's sitting in a limbo within which he can never truly be happy, or relaxed.  Simply because he hasn’t taken the time to learn how to open up to his friends. 

Now, here's where my Taichi and Kazu interaction comes in.  

(Ok, I started this just as an idea post and lo and behold it became almost as long as a fic. This is literally just my word vomit, so I apologize in advance for any poor grammar, spelling mistakes, and unclear transitions that occur, but please enjoy and tell me if you want me to make this a proper fic)

Taichi has for the most part evolved through his character arc, he's in a good place now and is growing closer to everyone in the company.  Meanwhile, Kazu seems to be falling out of sync with everyone, he’s way less chatty, he spends most of his time by himself, and while when he's actually in the room with them he is acting relatively normal.  Every single time anybody asks him if something is bothering him, he laughs and brushes the concern off easily.  However, his troupe mates can hear how forced the laugh sounds.

It’s something that happens over a few months, but Summer Troupe is very worried.  They’ve taken to having weekly meetings in the common area while Kazu is doing his homework to try and puzzle out what’s been going on with him.  The others share their concern as well, the point is that now the whole company is determined to get to the bottom of whatever is up with him. 

I bet you anything that Omi notices the similarities right away.  This is way to eerily similar to the way Taichi was acting during those last few weeks before everything came to light.  He probably approaches Kazu to talk several times but is shut down at every turn by a forced laugh, or an easy excuse like ‘I’m just a bit tired.’ or ‘Just been super busy lately, that's all.’.

Taichi, himself, probably notices too, but he really doesn't want to stick his nose into something that felt so incredibly personal.  He lets it go because he knows how helpful it was when his troupe mates let him talk out his troubles, and listened, and accepted him for all his faults.  He feels if he buts in now, he’ll just take that opportunity from Kazu, and he’d never do something that.

The Summer Troupe keeps trying, and one night they all approach him at once, determined not to let this go until he fesses up.  They all corner him in his room and start to ask questions, and Tenma and Yuki are almost certainly going to be coming off as being a bit harsh, but who can blame them Kazu has been worrying the both of them senseless for months, and neither of them are the type to mince their words.  

Muku is especially emotional throughout the whole thing, he’s had a front row seat to this slow motion train-wreck this whole time, living in the same room as Kazu.  He sees how late he stays up, and how often he gets no sleep at all, he's the one who sees the cracks beginning to form in the persona Kazu has built up for himself.  He even mentions one particularly horrible night when Kazu was crying in his sleep.  By that point though, Muku is relatively incomprehensible through his own crying.  

Misumi is mostly watching, agreeing with the others, saying supportive words, but mostly standing aside, looking and feeling a little helpless.  

This is Kazu’s breaking point.  Kazu has been spiraling for months.  It started with feeling horrible and stressed about his classes, then evolved to worrying about how he always hid that fact from the others, then to feeling guilty about being so dishonest about his feelings, then to feeling even more guilty about pushing them away when they were clearly worried and not being able to reciprocate their kindness with even the most basic courtesy of honesty.

Seeing all of them like this, pouring their hearts out to reach him, it just made him feel worse.  He wanted them to understand, but some part of him was certain that they never could.  That even if he could speak right then, that none of it could make them understand.  There was also a traitorous part of his mind that heard Tenma’s frustrated shout and Yuki’s sarcastic drawl, and only hear accusation and condemnation.

He knew it was stupid, that his friends would never actually feel that way about him.  He knew that.

That didn’t stop that little traitorous voice in his head from taking the steering wheel though, it didn’t stop it from completely taking over.  He was on his feet and pushing past them out of the room before he even knew what he was doing.  He vaguely recognized the feeling of someone grabbing a hold of his shoulder and he forcefully pulls away, running faster than he even knew he was capable of out of the dorm.

The voices calling for him to come back, concerned, worried, crying.  Concern for him, and he can't even turn around to look at them, he can barely even hear them.  He keeps running, longer than his body should have been able to run, faster than he ever thought possible.  He tripped more than once and was left with scrapes from each time.  The others tried to follow him, but in the darkness, it seems that none of them had succeeded.  

Or maybe, the same voice whispered. They’ve just decided to give up on you.

Meanwhile, the Summer troupe meets back at the dorm, and they get the others to come help them look for Kazunari.  To say the least, Summer Troupe is pretty distraught, all things considered.  Muku is an even worse than he’d been earlier, having given up entirely on trying to talk, Yuki has made it his responsibility to keep Muku from falling over, having to prop him up through most of their search, and he’s become oddly quiet as he does so.  

Misumi actually does cry for a few minuites for Kazu, he's so incredibly sad that he can’t seem to do anything to help.  However, he doesn't let it keep him down.  It's no more than five minutes before he stands up with a half-smile to help search for him again. 

Tenma, is just oddly quiet, like way too quiet, more quiet than even Yuki.  Only speaking in clipped one-word sentences, and mostly even then, only answering questions addressed to him.  He's clearly frustrated, but more than that, he almost seems remorseful.  By this point, he’s feeling pretty guilty and useless himself.  He is the leader of this troupe after all, and it is his responsibility to take care of stuff like this isn’t it?  

It’s early in the morning, and the whole company has been searching for hours when it starts to rain.  It's at this point that the director just says that they should head back and get some sleep.  Tenma does not take that order well. After a very loud and long argument with Tenma, the most that he’s spoken all night, he finally gives in when he sees the state the rest of his troupe is in,  Muku has practically fainted already, Yuki was on the verge of tears himself and Misumi was just staring blankly into space dejectedly.  

So, with that everyone heads back to the dorm to go to sleep.

------------

It’s only after they're back inside, dried off, and the lights are off that Taichi realizes that he can’t sleep.  He was close with Kazu, they’d always meshed really well together and got along really well.  When he’d seen a reflection of himself in Kazu, he'd let it go, and now he was really starting to regret it.  He should have realized, that just because Taichi had had Omi to help him work up the courage to confess what he’d done to the rest of the troupe, and to help him sort out his feelings.  Omi was practically an adult, he was so mature and always seemed to know what to do.  

Summer Troupe didn't really have an Omi.  Kazu was actually the oldest of the bunch of them.  He should have spoken up sooner, tried to help Kazu through it, if he’d just said something earlier, the situation might not have gotten this far out of control.  Taichi had desperately needed someone to give him the courage to speak up when he’d been in such a dark place and, something told him that Kazu needed the same thing, and that nothing would change at all until he got that much.

He might have school in a few hours, and it might still be raining, but Taichi honestly didn't care.  He couldn't sit still any longer.  He got up from the covers, and grabbed his jacket and was about to open the door to their room when he heard Omi sit up.

“You’re going to go look for Kazunari aren’t you?” He asked.

Taichi blinked and stammered, trying to come up with some other excuse, and epically failing.  It was too hard to lie to Omi though, especially after everything that had happened between them.  Omi just chuckled, and told him not to worry so much.  Omi stood and opened his own closet, pulling out a spare backpack, and placing a large towel, an oversized poncho, and an umbrella in the bag, then handed it to Taichi.  Then silently lead Taichi along to the kitchen, where he pulled out a large thurmace and heated up some hot cocoa to put inside, then handed that to Taichi as well.  

“I think that you might be one of the only people who can get through to Kazunari, you realize that too don’t you?”  Omi said softly, as to not wake the others.  Taichi nodded emphatically, a little stunned that Omi was just letting him go no matter how irresponsible of an idea it was. “Alright, then.  Good luck, and bring him home.”

Taichi nodded and just as soon as he had gotten outside he started running.  It was still dark and rainy, but at least there were plenty of streetlights.  He called out to Kazunari and he called and called.  Mostly though, Taichi was looking, looking for any sign of a person, anywhere.  By now, he was pretty sure that Kazu wasn’t going to reply to the call, but he did it anyway, just in case.

Eventually, about an hour in, his voice got raw and he needed to take a break.  He stopped talking, and sat down on just some random street corner, not caring one bit that his pants were now wet.

It wasn't any good, he wasn't going to find him was he?

He sat dejectedly on the concrete, just listening to the rain and feeling his pants begin to get soggy.  He didn't know how long he sat there before he heard it.

It was faint, so incredibly quiet, that even the light sound of raindrops nearly drowned it out entirely.

Yet, if he listened hard enough he heard crying.  He hoped he wasn't just his desperation getting to him, making him hear things.  He stood up eagerly anyway, staying silent and trying to follow the sound before it stopped.  It was hard, really hard, and the sky was starting to lighten just a minuscule shade when he finally made it to the mouth of the alley.

There Kazu was, Taichi could just barely make out the top of his head poking out from behind a stack of abandoned boxes.  He was absolutely drenched to the bone, there was no way he wasn't going to get sick after this.  He was crying softly, his head ducked and his arms hugging himself.

Taichi carefully approached Kazu and found himself at a loss for a moment.  The very last thing he wanted was for him to run off again, and he really didn't want to startle him either.  What he settled on was taking the umbrella and the towel out, and holding the umbrella with one arm, while he dried Kazu’s head off to the best of his ability with only one arm to work with.  Kazu stiffened but didn't move, his crying coming to an abrupt halt as he held his breath. 

“Hey, Kazu.  It’s just me, Taichi.”

Kazunari gave a shaky sigh of relief at his voice. “Damn, Tai-chan don’t scare me like that ok?  Thought you were gonna mug me or something...”  It was clear that Kazu was trying to put up his barriers again, and not quite managing it.  

“Sorry, about that.”  Taichi apologized, more than a little relieved that Kazunari had actually spoken to him right off the bat.  That was farther than the rest of Summer Troupe had gotten.  Taichi fumbled a bit before he decided to sit next to Kazu, after it seemed clear that he wasn’t too keen on moving.

Silence settled between the two of them, Kazu seemed to be trying desperately to reign his emotions back under control.  Taichi was just trying to think of how to start this, what to say.  He thought about how Omi had approached him, but something told Taichi that Kazu wouldn't connect well with that.  

It didn't help that he had no idea why Kazu was so upset, or what had caused this, or if anything really had caused it.  There might not be one cause.  It was more than a little overwhelming, Taichi really really really didn't want to mess this up.

He couldn’t do nothing again though, that wasn't an option, he had to say something, anything.

He decided, to just say whatever came to mind.  To say how he felt, and hope to every god out there that it reached him.

“You know, it’s impossible for a person to be happy all the time, don't you?”  Taichi asked.  Kazunari didn't respond, and Taichi decided that was ok.  He’d just keep talking for now.  “I won’t pretend that I know why you’re so upset, because I don’t.  It’s ok if you don't really want to talk about it right now, I get it.  Though, if you’re up to it, I would really appreciate it if you listened to my story.”

Taichi waited until he saw Kazunari nod, the other teen seemingly relaxing a bit beside him.   Taichi smiled at the sight, and began to speak.

(Authors note: in this story only Autumn troupe and Yuki (+ the director)  know about the fact that Taichi was a mole.  Not because they're keeping secrets, just because the others never asked and nobody thought to tell them.  Mostly, I don't know for sure if any of the others know, and I like to imagine that they don't know, or at least not the full story.)

Taichi essentially performed his portrait for Kazunari, by the end the other teen was actually looking up at him.  Taichi continued though, even after his story normally ended.  

“You see, whatever you feel so upset about, guilty about even, I doubt it'll be worse than the things I've done.  Even if it is, I know that your troupe mates would listen and try their best to understand why.  No matter what it is, no matter what might have happened.  They care a lot about you, and the only reason they got so frustrated is because they hate seeing you hurting like this, they were only trying to help, you know...”

“Yeah, I know that...”  Kazu looked away again.  Though, this time he didn't curl in on himself like before, he leaned back and looked to the sky, which was already beginning to lighten in color. “How did you know I was feeling guilty?”

“I guess, I can just tell?  I don't know, it's a bit freaky actually.” Taichi gave a nervous chuckle, then his expression softened a bit to match the sincerity in hie voice.   “I saw your expression, and it was almost like I was looking in the mirror, I got this weird sense of de ja vu, and I could just tell.   That probably doesn’t make any sense does it...”

“Never experienced it myself, but I get what you're talking about.”  Kazu replied with a sigh, closing his eyes.  The two of them stay quiet for a minute, Taichi got the feeling that Kazunari was just on the verge of telling him something, so he was patient, giving the other teen the chance to gather his thoughts. 

“You know, hearing all that you just said, it almost makes me feel a bit silly.  This is such a stupid thing to get so worked up over, ‘ya know.”  Kazu shook his head at himself. “It’s always been stupid, and I’ve always known that but I can't help it.  I’m always terrified of what others will think, if I don't keep a smile on my face.  More than that, I’m so used to pushing all of my worries aside that I don’t even know how to face them anymore.  I just ignore them, until I can’t anymore.”  Kazu swallowed thickly, leaning forward again and running a hand through his still, thoroughly damp hair.  “I don’t want to keep hiding my real feelings, it's just that each time I get even slightly uncomfortable, it's easier to just put the mask back on.  I can’t help it, and that’s terrifying, ya know.  I want the others to know when I’m stressed or upset, its not like I want to keep hiding it from them, but it never seems like the right time to let the facade fall.  They're so used to me being happy, that I don't think they understand how much of it is fake.  What happens when I let everything out, and they realize that I've been lying to them?  Will they even be able to stand me, as I am now?  They’re friends with the energetic, fun-loving Kazunari Miyoshi, not me.  I don’t know if any of them have ever even met this side of me, I'm hardly even the same person.  I really don’t want to ruin this place, I really really love it here.  I’m happier living here than I've ever been in my life, I don’t know what I'd do if everything fell apart...”  Kazu trailed off.

“I don’t think anything is going to fall apart, Kazu. Things’ll change a bunch, but nothing will be ruined. You don’t even need to do anything more than just explain this to your troupe.  Even if they don’t get it at first, they’ll do everything they’re capable of to help you, I just know it. Also, I think that you’re more likely to push them away continuing on as you are, than you are if you just tried to explain.” “You don’t have to try and handle this all by yourself. Please, try and explain this to them. Trust me when I say that you’ll feel better afterwards.”

“You really think it’ll turn out alright?”

“I know it will.”

Kazunari gave a breathy chuckle. “How can you be so sure?”

Taichi smiled wanly and thought about earlier that evening...

“’The hell?  How can you even say that?!  You really expect me to just go back to the dorm when Kazunari is out here somewhere, all by himself!  If we don't find him soon, who knows what’ll happen!  Who know’s what’s already happened?  He could have been mugged in an alley somewhere by now, and we’d have no idea!”

“Tenma...”

“I’m not going back.”

“Tenma, please stop and listen for a second.  Everyone is exhausted, we aren’t going to make any progress like this.  If we sleep for even an hour or two and get back to it, we’re more likely to find him, ok?”

“There’s nothing ‘ok’ about any of this!”

“Alright, maybe ‘ok’ wasn’t the right word for this situation, but Tenma...”  The director leaned in to whisper something into Tenma’s ear.  Immediately the teen star glanced over his shoulder and saw the state of his troupe mates and his stiff angered posture melted. Tenma silently nodded and sighed.

“I really fucked up this whole ‘troupe leader’ thing, didn’t I?”

“Kazu, your entire troupe is convinced that they've failed you in some way or another, especially Tenma-kun.  He was so upset earlier that he actually started yelling at the director, like a real argument and not his usual antics.  They want to help you more than anything else, and the entire company feels the same way.  This isn’t because they want they want you to go back to how you were, its because you’re in pain and they want to help you.  Whether that means that you stop putting on that mask entirely, or just start by learning not to rely on it too much, I know they'll be willing to support you no matter what you decide to do, so long as you’re beginning to get better.”  

“I’m here too, if you ever want to talk to somebody who gets it a little better.  It's hard being yourself, and it's easy to hide so you won't get hurt when someone rejects you. I get that, Kazu, and I do it too sometimes.  So, if you need to talk to someone outside of your Troupe, and maybe even get advice on how to make them understand, I’m here too.” 

“Kazu, you’ve got so many people waiting for you at home who want to help you, all you have to do is open up and let them.  Try and help them understand, and let them do the rest.  That’s all you can do, and I guarantee you, that nobody will be upset if you admit that you’re only human, that you can't be happy all the time.  Nobody in the troupe has ever expected that of you, even if they’ve gotten used to your antics, they won't judge you for the fact that you can’t keep them up.  The only thing, that you have to decide to do for them to accept you as you are, is to explain this to them.  That’s all, and nobody can take that first step other than you.”  Taichi said seriously.  

“I also happen to know how hard it is to take that first step, by yourself.  I had Omi to help me along, he pushed me to tell the others what I’d done, even when I was convinced they could never forgive me, and even that I didn't deserve to be forgiven.  He’s the one that helped me take that first step, and I’d like to do that too, for you.”  Taichi looked up at the sky which was rapidly changing to a much brighter shade of blue.  

“The others will probably wake up again soon, if we head back now, we might catch them before they leave the dorm again.  Please, let me take you home, so we can talk to your troupe mates and sort this all out.  I know that probably sounds impossible right now, but I know you can do it, and I’ll be right by your side while you do it.  So, what do you say?”

Kazunari sighed shakily and nodded, looking absolutely exhausted. “I think I can do it, if it's just my troupe and you I think I can try and explain all of this.  I just hope they understand.”  

Taichi grinned brightly, feeling a wash of relief rush over him.  “Really?!  Wow, thank you for trusting me Kazu!”  He let out a short bark of laughter.  “I’ll be honest, was really floundering there for a while.  I didn't know what so say at all, I’m so glad I didn’t make things even worse...”  Taichi let out a sigh of relief. “Sorry about that, I ended up just spewing my feelings all over you there....”

“You said all the right things Tai-chan, at least I think so.  I feel a lot better, if you'll really be with me I think I can manage this.  Even if I still don't know if this’ll turn out alright, I'm going to trust your judgement over mine on this one, because clearly my judgement is all out of wack, today...”. Kazunari paused and shook his head to himself. “Actually my judgment has been out of commission for a while now, I think. The point is, I cant really trust myself right now, so I'm going to trust you, ok?” Kazunari’s voice was a bit shaky, but he put some effort into sounding reassuring for Taichi’s sake.

———————— ok POV switch heh

Taichi blinked and stared blankly at Kazunari for a solid minute before he seemed to gather himself, the words finally having settled in. With a mighty sniff Taichi wiped his eyes and dashed away the tears that hadn’t even had the chance to fall. “Thanks Kazunari, that means a lot. I won’t let you down, I promise.” Taichi grinned brightly, his voice gaining a steelly determination behind it. Taichi then, handed Kazunari the umbrella to hold and turned to pull something from the backpack he’d been carrying. Kazunari stared as Taichi placed a thick plastic poncho on his lap and a large thurmace in his other hand and took the umbrella from Kazunari once again.

“You actually managed to run pretty far away from the dorm, so you should put that poncho on, and there’s hot cocoa that Omi made in there. Even if you don’t want to drink it, just open it and hold it. At least the heat will warm you up a bit.” Taichi said, and he almost sounded like director, the way he was fussing over him.

Kazunari was certain that his cheeks were flushed red, but he was equally sure that was only because he was freezing. It definitely wasn’t because he was embarrassed or anything.

“Hey do you want me to call us a ride? I think that might be better than walking all the way back. Plus, it’ll give them a heads up so nobody leaves to look for us.” Taichi asked, and Kazunari almost immediately shook his head.

“I’m soaked to the bone and I seriously don’t need a lecture from Sakyo for ruining the apoulstry of his car, right now.” Kazunari laughed at his own joke, too bad the joke was too close to the truth. He really didn’t want to soak up and ruin anyone’s car by getting inside it the way he was.

Taichi’s smile wavered, he didn’t laugh. Then he took out his phone and was engrossed in typing for a minute, before Kazu realized what he was doing. He propped himself up against the wall and stood, and was shocked to see how hard it was to do so. His vision almost immediately started blurring and darkening as Kazunari leaned against the wall for support.

“Hey, wait! I can walk I swear, don’t call anybody here, I’m fine!” Kazunari blurted just as he heard the message send.

“Sakyo isn’t the only adult in our troupe with a car, you know.” Taichi replied, a little softly. Then, he nervously tapped his foot for a moment before he made eye contact with Kazu again, and spoke. “You said that you were going to trust me earlier, didn’t you? You can’t get all the way home like you are now, and unfortunately, I’m not strong enough to carry you all the way back.”

Kazunari blinked, and sighed.

He did ask for this after all.

He however, refused to sit down. He was gonna lean right against that wall until the ride came, whoever they were. That thought didn’t last more than five minutes though. Kazunari blinked furiously to clear the spots from his vision to no avail. Then, sighed in defeat and leaned against the wall to slide back down to the asphalt.

Taichi gave him a concerned look and Kazunari tried to ignore it, it was just then he was saved by the appearance of a vehicle, and almost immediately Kazu recognized it as Itaru’s. The car parked and Itaru opened got out of the car to join them.

Kazunari had to look away, because a part of him still couldn’t stand the wave of guilt when he saw the worry in his gaze. So, he fiddled with the hem of his shirt, like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Thanks, Itaru, for coming to pick us up.” Taichi said extra cheerily, though there was a dash of genuine grstitude hidden in there.

“It’s no problem. I’m glad you asked me, the others were already waking up and getting restless. They were almost about to start searching for you again when you texted me.” Itaru said with a wan smile of his own. “So, let’s get you two back to the dorm. Do you need a hand there Kazunari?”

“Nah’ I’m fi-“. Kazunari was about to say when Taichi pulled him up and propped him up.

“Yeah, Kazu, my buddy, nobody is gonna fall for that.”

“Alright, ok!” Kazunari sighed, and said “I’m super woozy and can barely stand up, yes I’d love some help.” He was too tired to keep up with this. Let the others do what they want, he’s taking a nap when he gets in that car.

Kazunari could hear Itaru let out a relieved chuckle, Taichi did the same not long afterward. When did he close his eyes?

“Happy to help, then.” Itaru idly commented as Kazu heard a car door open, he was gently shuffled into what he assumed was the back seat and his head was definitely resting on Taichi’s shoulder.

Someone strapped his seatbelt on, he assumed it was Taichi, and he heard the drivers door open and admit someone as well, probably Itaru getting in.

Kazunari was definitely getting sleepy and the last thing he remembered hearing, he wasn’t even sure he was dreaming yet or not. But the last thing be remembered hearing, was Taichi whisper.

“Sleep well, everything will turn out ok, I promise it will.”

[makeusfreefromthisfandom]

Um wow so I didn’t know how to address this earlier, and I certainly do not want to go through and answer every single ask, asking literally the same thing. So if you were someone who asked anything concerning my writing here you go, under the cut:

First off, I think what a lot of you forget (even though I’ve mentioned this countless times especially at the start of this blog) is that i was an artist well before I decided to write. So yes. I will focus on my art at times more because that is something I am most comfortable and inspired doing. I love writing as well, but I always prioritize my art over it because it’s just what makes me happy.

Second, yes I realize that I’ve been lacking in the free! department. I know. The one thing I hate more than anything is forced writing. I just cannot force myself to write a fic knowing that there is no real feeling behind it and it’s basically just word vomit that I’ll try to format to get it to look pretty. Honestly, forcing myself to write is just going to make me lose interest in doing it all that much. I still adore free and its characters, but the thing is, I just don’t have the motivation to write for it these days. This is why I have pretty permanently turned off requests unless stated otherwise, because then I would just be forcing myself to write something that doesn’t do me, you, the fandom, or the characters justice.

Also if you’ve been following me long enough, you would know that I’ve always wanted to branch out into writing for other fandoms. Now that I am, I’m being bashed for it? I’m sorry but it’s really just confusing on how when there was a time where I only wrote for free, I would constantly get asks for when I would start writing for haikyuu, aot, etc, and now that I am, the reactions are ???? 🤡🤡 anyways I’m just going to say that I really couldn’t care less of what people say, I’ll write what I want, when I want. I am confident and content in what I’m putting out and that’s all that matters, you are more than welcome to unfollow I really couldn’t care less.

OH ALSO please stop trying to slander characters oh my god 🤡🤡 I know that I’m like the biggest Natsuya simp you’ll meet, but I’m allowed to like other characters as well, there’s no need to put down other characters, goodbye they’re literally 2D why do I even have to address this 🚣🏻‍♀️

[avefausa]

@mettatoniic​ asked:

robinrobinrobin scuse me, a question for you, honey. I want you to recall those passions for your muse (whoever you feel strongest for, theres no specific order whatsoever) and tell me what about them is so special to you. what do you resonate with? why them? what do you feel when you look at your muse? what's kept you in this side of the community for so long (bc chara and frisk). thank you xoxo

oh gosh okay... i’m very bad at starting thoughts so i’ll just try and word vomit and see what comes of it.

assuming you’re talking about my undertale muses, let’s start with chara. i’ve always been into the chaotic, villainous types so i resonated with their character almost immediately. at the time, back in 2015, i didn’t really understand the concept of a “player” and honestly i didn’t get until deltarune where’s almost literally spelled out for you. so i’ve never vibed with the concept of chara also not being manipulated by the player like frisk, or for a better example, kris -- besides that, i greatly disliked when people disregarded the very base fact that asriel called them “not a very good person”. so from how i saw it, baseline was, chara was a fuckhead. i just took it in the way that they were more villainous than just a little shit.

over time i’ve gotten over myself and i care less about other people’s interpretations, but the one i’ve created will always be mine, no matter what. my chara -- “Callie Lockhart” i dubbed her -- is my creation with a base from a character with very little information on them. worse comes to worst, she’ll just become an oc of mine! that’s basically how i treat her, anyway. FUN FACT: the name callie also stems from a pokemon oc of mine, where cal/lie stands for “Calamity” and i’ve always felt so smart for that connection teehee.

i actually spent a lot of time doing research on how to give her reasoning for her horrific actions, and though i know it’s usually quite frowned upon to do so, it all dates back to irreparable childhood trauma. further than that, she doesn’t want help, so there is absolutely no hope in her becoming a better person. she’s far beyond saving. and i love that: a disgusting villain with horrible intentions, even if they have their “reasonings” for such. besides! i know so many people that are into the idea of their muses being screwed with, and boy howdy i have always been happy to provide. i just want to make people happy, that makes me happy too!

my chara has also gone through a lot of design changes since i started musing her, and gosh i kinda want to show:

these are more or less in chronological order, all of which my art! the first two are most definitely from 2015, the last three being like 2018 probably. then we finally have our current design!:

so she’s definitely gone through a lot of changes, but i’ve loved her the whole way.

REGARDLESS, all of this effort i’ve put into her mixed together has created a love for her that i can simply never forget. so after the fandom started to die off, i kept trying to use her, until ultimately i gave up as my effort output was far too high compared to the enjoyment i got out of it. that’s why i’m so glad i’m able to do her again now!! *grabby hands at everyone* please rp with me....

as for frisk, i actually had no intentions of using them up until a week or two ago. my original chara blog was actually a -- oh god i forgot the term for it, but i made it with my friend who made a frisk? she lost interest pretty quickly though, so i was sorta left on my own. i’m not mad or anything!! (i love u nix) but up until this year, i really disliked the frisk interpretation i made for myself. i guess it also came down to the fact that i’ve never been comfortable roleplaying child muses and i always interpreted them that way.

but i actually finally came up with an idea for them that tied into my chara’s story!! i’m surprised it didn’t come to me sooner, considering i was literally writing a fanfic loosely based on their canon. so now i’m hoping that i can give my frisk the same love and attention i gave chara, even if their ability to be present is far more limited!!

um um uh i can’t think of anything else so here you go!!! if you read this i’ll give you a kiss

[aku-jumbi]

I apologize for blowing up your notifications with likes and reblogs. I am just blown away with your artwork/style. Going through all of them, seeing how your mastered your style within just a couple years and improving on it is just.... wow. Words cannot express how impressed I am and how much it motivates me to try to start drawing. I didnt realize people were giving your a hard time about your work. To each their own I suppose, but my lord your art is beautiful. Please continue doing what you love. I cant wait to see what else you have in store. I didnt know if you had done Bokuto yet. If not, imma hit you up for a commission at some point xD. Honestly though, your work brings a lot of beauty to my life right now. The past year in the medical field with covid, life has been very dull. Anyways I'm gonna stop word vomiting all over this ask. I hope you have a wonderful day! :3

Hello there, certainly no need to apologize! Thank you for all your nice words, I feel very honored and flattered and just bow each time (really infront of my PC xD) when I get that kind of messages and show gratitude haha ^^

What really impresses me is the fact you went through my gallery (must be right now some really long scroll until one reaches the bottom ^^ )and yeah, sometimes I take a look at my older paintings, too just to remind myself that I slowly got better. In fact I am my worst critique and it’s me who is giving myself the most harsh comments when I analyze my paintings over and over so I was also surprised as the weird comments started to pop up. Well, nothing against constructive criticism, not at all, but this was something that hadn’t to do with anatomy or such. But it was rather emotional, ethical and/or moral criticism which I found is not appropriate as for fanart and which isn’t abusing the characters. At least that’s really not my intention, never was, never will be.

Sometimes I am not sure if people that aren’t painting themselves know how many components are woven together when working on a painting and it’s not easy to synchronize everything, to maintain always full power over the painting. Technically the colours and form are the most crucial I would say but as easy as it sounds, it’s not haha. Tell 10 people to draw a cat, 10 different cats. haha

Well, also don’t want to spam around now, over the years I got to understand somehow my style and just made my own conclusions about digital art in general and the why I can use it the best.

I am so glad that my slowly developed understanding of portraying the characters soft and smooth and somehow (eventually?) filled with life bring you joy! It’s in fact exactly what I am doing, creating a fantasy, so when you look into their eyes you can forget (if just for a brief moment) what’s going on outside : ) You can’t imagine how happy it makes me to hear that you also can forget a little bit about your daily routine with my paintings!

Finally: Bokuto! Yeah, yeah, I stiiiill have some request going on which I shamefully just left waiting as I was working on my last pieces (which I needed just for myself) and I guess I am going to continue to work on them again. Bokuto was on the list, already and of course I gonna work on him too (no commission needed, he is an official character, I won’t charge for that!). 

Thank you again and please stay safe, I hope you are fine and also can relax at times, so appreciating your hard work in the medical sector, you can’t imagine!!! : ) If you ever need help with digital art, just ask me, by now I found out some tricks and stuff, always glad to help! :3

And if you ever look at some of my pics, please also listen to this song (I painted a lot of my paintings listening to it, I think it works fantastic with them xD haha):

https://youtu.be/3IJ3XXomxiM

Your always bowing Aku_jumbi ^^

[anestheticrage]

Be me: Japanese honor student🎓, 15, with half a brain and even less of a plan. Hunting bitches by day and witches by night. Livin that dank only child✌️ life while mom n dad yeet all over the globe, leavin me plenty of time to forget not to make 2 lunches for myself #quirky 😜

no time for socialization or basic electronics skills ???📱??? when your best friends are an alien demon rabbit🐰👽 and the inexplicable Hole ™ in your brain. lmao, btw did i mention im ✨M✨A✨G✨I✨C✨A✨L✨

dreamin bout my 2D waifus again when familiar pink haired cancer patient dances through my brain passin out fliers: Kamihama Meguca Dating Service: Sponsored by Cult of the Magius. 250 stones per session 🤔

seems legit, Mr. Moneybags. wasn't spending my unwieldy sack of gemstones on anything else anyway. lets pull 💎💎💎

first up we have Redhead Radagast and her plethora of plants. 🌿☺️🦎

anndd, nearly dies immediately. 

well not off to a great start but i guess shes pretty cute at lea- oh FUCK its her girlfriend, Tsundere Poseidon😒🔱💦, and their exasperated, straight and single Sword Mom 😔🗡️🔥. fml gonna have to save up for the next pull. might as well play a few rounds with what i got tho. 

get in some good girl talk about things like school, color coded hair styles, body count, permanent soul damage, and our personal demon pacts. ya know, the usual 😚 . realize my dark backstory seems to be missing, so the girls take me to Ketchup Queen Sappho 🍅🥧 (wtf?) to molest my glowy egg stone. whatevs, more action than ive had since Kuroe 🖤 got added to the story anyway

the gang agrees it's time to hunt down the cutest rabbit pimp 🕶️🐇💵 in the city. >> say 🎵mukyuuu🎵 one more time and ill hug you so hard my backstory will pop right out, you adorable fluffy bastard. plz be my new best friend 💕

Form brand new friendship pact with Kyubae, and remember that my lil Sis 🐥 was always the best wingman for pickin up magic chicks, and kept her side of the room so spotless i forgot she existed. whoops 乁༼☯‿☯✿༽ㄏ Maybe if I find her i can stop paying these exorbitant pull fees.📵💎

speaking of which: hot damn this week's featured bachelorette is a 19 year old model and magical detective🔎 with massive levels of PTSD and self loathing 🥵💙💦 more likely to stab you or dramatically jump off a rooftoop than utter a single positive comment. wow, maybe i really COULD find true love…

... if i had MORE THAN A 1% FUCKING DRAW CHANCE. 😡 smh

hard to make much progress finding sis or winning the broken heart of a hard boiled detective amidst the never ending lover's quarrel of the Trident Vine Lesbians. 💔 Sword Mom tells them if they don't behave a monster will take them away. LOL classic mom 🤣

>>>HOLY FUCK IT DID

declare all-out war on urban legends, starting with staircases ⚔️ to reunite the dysfunctional trio, and hope that I net a way better lineup with the next 10x pull. at least sad sleuth lady came to help out. they say combat is the best way to bond wi-   and there she goes off the rooftop again 🙄 fml

alright that got way off track, we need a fresh start, away from all the loli drama. how bout a little B&E🔓🔨🤷🏻‍♀️ at the local house of worship to clear my head. ahh nothing like the unanswered prayers of the masses to get you in the mood for another wasted pull, and the 🔥 MIGHTIEST 🔥 headache you could ask for with a side of Double Cooked Pork 🐖🍜 (meh 5/10🧾)

venture forth into the spiritual unknown with your new human flamethrower🔥🌻🧡 and ask your favorite private eye to please, for the love of Eve, trade Meguca accounts with me~~~ Head through the eastern spirit portal to meet up with hologram propaganda sis and detective crush's evil ex, who joined a dating-app cult (#fuck) and also turned into the moon?🌕?(that's rough buddy)

get ambushed by Acid Horse on Wheels 🌈🐴 and vomit up my soul so hard that its time for a crossover episode. T U R F F F   W A R R R *que operatic harmonies* 💛 Blondie with the hair drills and enough attitude and guns to fill up a noble phantasm tries to ban my account permanently, but PI heartthrob denies her admin privileges. aww babe i didn't know you cared. 😭♥️

get kidnapped by my new true love and go back to her place 😏  defs enough empty rooms to house five emotionally traumatized girls and at least two ghosts hehehe👻 XD 💚🃏💜🎸 decide to form the anti-gossip brigade and recruit my blazing sunflower after getting ambushed by the witch living in my fruit loops🥣

❌outvoted 2:1 that cults are bad. mf. fiinneee one last pull to round out the team and then I'll delete the app. cmonnn Karin 🎃~

OH HELL YEAH TWO FOR ONE.

Always wanted a daughter 💜🔨🐄 with a penchant for pissing off the local Martial Arts & Books Club and drinking suspicious liquids offered by total strangers. Well if it's good enough for her AND the sexy mayadere with enough game to seduce a mermaid, might as well get in on that myself. 

#curseddrank 🤢 0/24 would not recommend to a friend, 'cept maybe Ria

win alot of cash 🤑, blow up a fountain, meet the pied piper²🎶🖕, moon cult, monochrome feathers, something about liberation✊🏻; adopt temper tantrum cow girl. aces 💜🥩

Next up!!! skydiving with DJ Hammer! Jump to apparently-not-certain death after suicidal A.I. 💚💾🗼 tells you to rescue her hostage before they run out of Radiohead albums and have to move on to Thom Yorke's solo discography. save the invisible shield kitten 💚👑😿 from happiness and get chased through the internet by the sexiest homicidal Paint Pallette 💚🎨😈 since Caravaggio. (apparently green is the color of the digital apocalypse. i’m deleting Kako from my friend's list)

that’s it, fuck this app. 250 stones 💎 per-life-threatening-experience is more than i’m willing to deal with 😓 don’t wanna mess with the perfect nuclear family anyway. we've already got: 

✔️the two emotionally traumatized moms with memory and commitment issues

✔️the adhd daughter with anger management problems and a giant hammer

✔️the psychologically abused scizophrenic cat

✔️and the eccentric aunt with crippling anxiety

#squadgoals

now that were done hoarding bitches, its time to hunt the witches. and the bitches makin the witches. btw did i mention the witches ARE the bitches! AND WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!? 📽️⁉️💀 wait fuck lets back up a second

This is Nemo📕 and Token🧪 and they have all the answers but prefer if you only ask vague questions in exchange for vague responses so they can fill in the rest by discussing their superior intellect 🧠 at length. not to mention they built that dating app, so of course everyone in my harem decides to be a FUCKING. TRAITOR.🤬

cept waifu prime ofc 🥰💙. [PTSD > brainwashing] 'yOu CaN bE tHe LeAdEr NoW'. i have been from the very beginning you traumatized Hinedere nightmare. maybe if you weren't so caught up collecting surrogate daughters you would've noticed IM👏THE👏ONLY👏 ONE👏PROGRESSING👏THE FUCKING👏PLOT✨

rescue the rest of dysfunctional found-family™ from selves before my adorable firebender burns down Disnihama🎡🔥😱 during her weekly anxiety attack. (love the makeover T B H) 

CHAPTER 8: Magical Girl Massacre🩸🗡️

   - everyone has like, the shittiest day ever

   - the new Pope really needs to be extradited from the church

   - make friends with a really pretty tree 🌺🌲✨

i swear, if i don't finish this god damn story in time to get that free pull im gonna beat the shit out of every mirror i find in that giant mansion that i haven't even had any time to even mention yet. 🖕🏚️ let alone EVERYTHING happening with the prequel [fuck you, I'm the star] girls 💗💜💙💛❤️️ and their multidimensional melodrama. We don't need that many repetitive af episodes to emphasize that Homo-ra is a shitty person. we've all seen Rebellion. 🙄

NO, I DONT CARE IF YOU WANT SAPPHO'S BACKSTORY, I ONLY HAVE 79 STONES LEFT AND IF YACHAN FINDS OUT I HAVEN'T DELETED THE APP YET IM GONNA HAVE TO GO SLEEP IN WITH SANA 😭💎💸😠

uhhhggggg where were we… Topple a cult and burn down Hotel Denoument only to realize that Sis was fused with the dating app servers this entire madokafuckin time (told ya she was the best wingman 😊). 

Dilemma: Sis =🥚, Triumvirate of Trouble want 🐣. What do? vote now:

Help Hatch - IIIIIII

Not Do That - IIIII

What The Actual Fuck Is Going On - IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Lets just fight everyone until something good happens.

🔥🔫🔥🗡️🔥😱🔥🌆🔥😱🔥🛡️🔥💣🔥

Kill (???) the artist-in-chief of the italian reindeer murder police after teaching her the true meaning of Christmas 🎄 hatch 🐣lil Sis and realize she WAS your wingman all along🐰 MUKYUUUU! we're just gonna ignore how much trouble it would have saved if you'd just mentioned that. "yOu DiDnT aSk..." 

FUCK YOU SPACE BITCH. ONCE AN INCUBATOR ALWAYS AN INCUBATOR 🖕🐇🔪

anywho, somewhere along the lines we of course summoned the Antichrist ⚙️ because why not raise the stakes to max and still not kill off a single character. Madofuckinkami, can we PLEASE wrap this up. 😩💤

feathers (not the culty kind, tfm) rain from the sky, and the power of friendship and not having the Urobutcher 🔪🩸as a lead writer saves our peacefully sectioned off alternate reality 😇

TL:DR fuck cults, real life waifus DO exist, don't sell your soul to space rabbits, or your stones to megacorporations. Enjoy arc 2 on the JP server with your shitty translation patch you filthy fuckin weebs 

Yours Truly, 

- Thirsty Weeb Eroha 💗💎😘 

[lovemesomesurveys]

Thought I Couldn't Top It, Huh? OVER 2000 Questions! (Truly the Longest!) Created by distortedcognition Part 7

...The Ideal Mate

Hair color: I don’t care. Hair length: Preferably short. Hairstyle: *shrug* Eye color: I don’t care. Skin color: I don’t care. Any makeup?: No. Clothing style: I like the flannel, tees, polos and jeans look. Shy or outgoing?: Outgoing. Happy or depressed?: I mean, happy would be preferable. I don’t want someone to be depressed. Funny or serious?: Has a sense of humor, but knows when to be serious. One of the issues I had with an ex was he couldn’t do that. He was a jokester and turned everything into a joke to avoid having a serious conversation.  Abusive or kind?: Uh, why would I want someone abusive?

Respectful or perverted?: Respectful of course, wtf. Completely describe their personality: Understanding, patient, kind, caring, trustworthy, sense of humor, etc. This is another space if you need it: I don’t. Ideal height: Taller than me, but most people are, so. Body type: Fit. Completely describe their appearance: Someone I have an attraction to. Ha, super lazy answer but I don’t feel like describing. This is another space if you need it: -- Masochistic or sadistic?: Um, neither. Artistic or athletic? Artistic. Intellectual or unintelligent? Intellectual. Complex or simple? A little complexity can be interesting. What would their hobbies be? Hanging out with their friends, reading, enjoys watching TV shows and movies (with me as well), enjoys traveling, I’d love if they were into cooking and baking haha, maybe something artistic like art or writing. Interests? What I just listed, basically. Like, I’d love if they enjoyed binging TV shows with me and watching movies and liked the same type of shows and movies, liked to travel, liked going to the beach, liked reading, didn’t mind just chillin at home and didn’t have the need to go out all the time, liked to play board games... Obsessions If they were into stuff like Marvel, Disney, Star Wars, and some of the other stuff I’m into that would be cool. We don’t have to have everything in common and be exactly alike, but I definitely want to have things in common and some of the same interests.  Would they hug you often? Hugs are nice. I don’t need them to like hang off me all the time, though. haha.  Kiss you often? Kisses are nice, too. A good balance is what I like. Would they frequently tell you that they loved you? That wouldn’t be necessary. I would hopefully be able to see that they love me by how they treat me and the things they do. Hearing it is certainly nice and I want to say it to each other, but I don’t need to hear it frequently and have it be overused. Actions say a lot. Have you already found your ideal mate? I honestly thought that person was Ty, but... Are you in love? No. What will you do together? Hang out and enjoy each other’s company doing things we like to do.  Your ideal date: It doesn’t need to be fancy, I’m not that kind of gal. I’m into the chill stuff. Going out to eat is nice and fun, but I’m totally cool with getting takeout and watching a TV show or movie or something. Taking a little trip would be fun now and then, too. Your ideal wedding: I don’t plan on getting married. How many kids? I don’t want kids. What will their names be? -- What do you think they would look like? -- Will you even have kids? No. If not, why? It’s just not something I want and that’s okay. Will you even get married? I truly don’t see that ever happening. If not, why? I just don’t and again, that’s okay. Are you taken or single? I’m very single. There’s not even someone I’m talking to or interested in. It’s been a few years, actually. .:Dislikes:. Least favorite color: Brown. Animal: I have an irrational fear of killer whales. Number: 8. President: Actor: Actress: Director: Celebrity: The scumy, pervy, gross ones. That goes for anyone of course. I could put the same for president, actor, actress, director, etc. Artist: Illustrator: Poet: Writer: Band: Musician: Singer: Food: Seafood for sure. And I’m very picky and particular with meat. Fruit: Oranges. Vegetable: There’s a lot I don’t like such as peas, Brussels sprouts, asparagus, zucchini, cucumbers, squash, beets... Candy: I’m not into gummies, sour candy, or fruity candy. Drupe: I’ve never had that. Candy bar: I don’t like anything with almonds, coconut, or any kind of filling, really. Brand of chocolate: Hmm. Skittles flavor: Not really into Skittles in general. Month: The summer months. Year: These past few years have been pretty shitty. Decade: Hmm. Millenium: Era: Time period: Battle of the Civil War: War: Battle of WWII: Battle of American Revolution: Genius: Genus of plant: Flower: Tree: Those really smelly ones. Hair color: Eye color: Fairy tale: Disney princess: Disney villain: Scar. Disney prince: Movie character: Play character: Book character: Musical character: Play: Musical: Person: Myself. Brand of cereal: The healthy ones, ha. Brand of battery: The cheap ones. Mental illness: Uh, I dislike all the mental illnesses. Medication: Ones that make me feel bleh. Serial killer: All of them? Poison: I mean, I dislike poison in general. Type of sword: Type of gun: Not a big fan of any weapons. Toothpaste brand: There isn’t really one I dislike, but I just like to stick to Sensodyne or something like it because I have sensitive teeth. Scent: Rotten food, garbage, vomit, shit... Type of knife: Taste: The taste of foods I don’t like. Sound: Eating sounds, ice clinking against a glass. Article of clothing: I can’t wear turtle necks at all, it would drive me absolutely insane. I don’t like things around my neck like that.

[delirious-and-slightly-murderous]

For the WIP ask game: please tell us something about Procrastinating Painter and exasperated but horny manager?

Hi Anon!😊 So glad you asked about this one.

So this is, at its core, a character study. 

A little tidbit of information about me: I am a master procrastinator. And not only when it comes to writing but in all aspects of my life too. I am lazy. If I can do it later, I will do it later. And I'll keep pushing it back as much as I can until I can't anymore. Thanks to this I've become a master at finishing projects with very little time and a deadline hanging like a sword of Damocles over my head. I work best under pressure. That's why I sometimes lose interest in my fics so easily. If I don't have a deadline it's very hard for me to get stuff done.

Soooooo, all this to say that one day, while I was despairing over my WIPs I started thinking about the different ways an artist or creator can deal with procrastination. And then, because every idea I get now mostly concerns or can be applied to Berlermo, I said to myself: But what if Andrés was a master procrastinator like me?

And BAM!

This thing was born. (Also I find it kinda ironic and hilarious that a character study in procrastination ended up as a WIP, don't you agree?).

So the basic idea is that Andrés is a moderately known and successful painter. He's not as successful as he could be because he's very particular and picky with his work and who he works for. So he only paints when he wants to and what he wants to. Which would be fine except that he is a procrastinator so his work is scarce.

Enter Martín, who is Andrés' best friend/agent and kinda friend with benefits. He is the one in charge of making sure Andrés gets stuff done even if the man in question does not want to. This means that Martín lives in a constant state of awe at Andrés' genius and talent, and also exasperation because of his laziness and inability to do what he's told. Also he is very much in love with Andrés and hates himself because of it.

So the fic in itself would cover the span of a month while Martín tries to get Andrés to work on an important commision for a famous gallery. From him we would see his struggle with perceived unrequited feelings for a man he feels he cannot fully come to understand. Andrés would procrastinate and we would see all his process and struggle with it. Until a couple days before the exhibition when Martín is about to kill Andrés, his genius strikes and he goes and produces a masterpiece (a masterpiece that may or may not be inspired by Martín).

So mostly it would focus on the art, the feels, the procrastination, and then the mad rush to get things done in time. (And I'd like to think I'd write it with a very oniric feel to it. Oh and also smut, so very like soulful and poetic smut. But well I don't think that's gonna happen.)

(Oh and also a happy ending where they end up confessing their feelings because I'm weak like that😁.)

So here have a snippet:

Martín started pacing and swore as he narrowly avoided walking into a bucket of bright red paint. 

The room was positively tiny and he still couldn't understand why Andrés insisted on spending all his time in it like some kind of recluse. The monastery was big enough to accommodate docens of people at one time but Andrés was happy to cram himself in the tiniest, most uncomfortable room he could find.  

He wondered how Andrés could live like that. The room was cramped, cluttered with books, canvases, sculptures and various bits of artistic trash. It looked like a museum's warehouse, if museums threw invaluable works in a warehouse without thought or care to what became of them. As he walked he deftly avoided discarded pieces of paper, empty paint tubes and old brushes. It was dirty, paint and dust covered every surface. The space not taken up by art supplies was used by a mattress on the ground shoved unceremoniously into a corner, a small coffee table and an enormous oak work table that seemed to be the centerpiece of the place.

Amongst all this chaos there stood Andrés, serene and unperturbed, unaware of his surroundings. With a brush on each hand and one clenched between his teeth. Before him a half painted canvas stretched like a vision of doom. The colors bleak and depressing. A mirage of untold horrors that sucked the life out of the area around it. The air seeming to grow heavier, dense and charged, stilted and dead. 

Martín could feel it in his bones, the emotions Andrés put into his work always expanding and resonating within him, turning him into a vessel for what Andrés couldn't say.

He was choking on an invisible weight and fought against it to unfurl his tongue from the dry cavern of his mouth and produce a sound. He knew the other man wasn't happy and that his intervention would only make things worse. But he had to shatter the looming tension before it swallowed him whole.

"Why don't you find another place. Maybe an apartment closer to the city."

Andrés didn't stop in his work but his shoulders tensed imperceptibly and the fingers of his left hand started drumming against the brush he wasn't currently using. He shook his head softly, his motions fluid and liquid. A delicate movement of silk floating in water.

"I'm not moving in with you Martín."

Martín closed his eyes, the bright hot pang in his heart a familiar caress at this point. He was like an addict, his feelings for Andrés a raging force that ravages his body and leaves him empty and aching. And still he willingly comes back for more, each time climbing higher with the knowledge that when he hits the ground it'll be more violent than before, the pieces impossible to pick up.

"That's not what I'm asking, you know it's not."

Andrés dipped his brush in a mug near his hand, washing out the dark paint, flicking the brush and creating a splatter of black bottomless dots, giving birth to a galaxy in the space that separates them.

"Don't ask things for which you know you won't like the answer."

Andrés' strokes become forceful then, the brush colliding against the canvas in an uncontrolled manner. The anger and frustration behind the movement captures Martín. He feels like a chick standing at the precipice. He can jump and take flight, taste the freedom and exhilaration of the wind rushing through his wings. Closing his eyes and diving not knowing if he's ready to fly the possibility of the deadly agonising crash a dark shadow at his back.

He was saved from having to make the choice by Andrés humming lowly in his throat.

"I love you Martín, but I'm not going to give up my life for you."

That familiar caress is back and the little chick is safely back in it's nest. The precipice dissolving and the unforgivable ground surging up to meet him, ripping him away in a manner more painful than any death. He shrugs, hunching in on himself, knowing the matter is closed and forgotten.

"Pass me my coffee." He demands, plastering a fake plastic smile on his face. While Andrés chooses to ignore the burning heat of things left unsaid that slowly melt the plastic away. Leaving behind a partially uncovered picture of a grotesque truth.

"I'm painting." Came the absent minded reply, the willful ignorance of man with a staggering lucidity of all the consequences of his actions.

Martín got up stretching legs that felt numb, forced to carry the weight of an unfathomable burden. He slowly walked towards Andrés, his steps the slow and lifeless cadence of the condemned, prolonging the inevitable in their approach to the gallows. 

He took his mug and took a long and deep sip of the liquid inside. He became aware of his mistake when Andrés turned to him with a steaming mug in his hand and a confused frown wrinkling his brow. 

Martín immediately opened his mouth, the dark paint water running down his chin like vomit, maring his shirt and staining skin and teeth. In the sickly pale light of the naked bulb, with the shadows under his eyes and the lingering hurt in his being, it made him look like a corpse throwing up thick and rotten blood.

Andrés laughed, the sound had a hysterically joyful quality to it, a discordant note in the gloominess of the room. It immediately invaded them, running through every crevice, every nook and cranny, injecting light and giving back the life that had been sucked out by the oppressing darkness.

The room changed completely, becoming bright and warm without suffering any real physical changes. It was infectious, contaging Martín and changing him from the inside out without his notice.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in a comfortable silence. And the next time Martín stopped for a visit the room felt warm and homely, cosy and welcoming. He also found that the mugs had marker scribbles on them. One read 'Martín' the other 'Paint Water'.

It put a small smile on his face.

Well Anon, it's really shitty right now and needs a lot of polishing and editing, but I hope you enjoy this and that it doesn't disappoint.☺

[jesatria]

Fic: Simple Pleasures, Chap 9

Title: Simple Pleasures Fandom: Kushiel’s Legacy Characters: Isidore d’Aiglemort, Anne Livet Pairings: Isidore/Anne Word Count: 5,130 Rating: NC-17 Summary: The story of Isidore d’Aiglemort & the gardener’s daughter of Lombelon. WIP. Disclaimer: I do not own Kushiel’s Legacy. This is only for fun & no profit is being made from it.

Previous Chapters:

1. The Visit

2. Desire

3. The Harvest Festival

4. Triumph

5. Gifts

6. The Eagle Unbound

7. Lighting the Candle

8. The Longest Night

Chapter 9: The Final Parting

           I didn’t mind being with child.

           Other women hated it, I came to understand. Between the monthly courses brought on by lighting the candle and the many pains and discomforts childbearing women were forced to endure, I understood why some wished Eisheth would close their wombs. Mayhap I would feel that way in time, after I’d borne more than one child, but not now. That isn’t to say I enjoyed the vomiting or back pain, but those things were not enough to detract from my happiness. I had chosen this. I wanted this child, our child. Early summer couldn’t come soon enough.

           It was extremely difficult to bid Isidore farewell when he left. Spring was in the air, a time when I’d normally rejoice at the first green shoots to poke through the thawing ground. This time I’d spent the better part of the winter with him and thus it was much harder to see him go. War was coming. We did not speak of it; I sensed he was reluctant to do so. At first I thought he didn’t want to spoil the occasion of our first Longest Night together, but it continued for the duration of his visit. I came to suspect his reluctance was due to my condition, never mind that I was hardly some delicate flower to faint at the mention of war. I suppose he meant to spare me the stress that was sure to follow if I knew the details. Regardless, he told me enough that I understood this was far more serious than the usual border raids. The Skaldi found a leader to unite them and they meant to invade. I’d learned enough from Isidore over the years to know he kept the border forts well-garrisoned and watched the passes closely. Surely that would be enough to hold off an invasion along with the Royal Army. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling of apprehension that rose in me whenever I thought of Isidore on the border. It was the only thing that spoiled my happiness.

           Bit by bit I grew used to my new status. I didn’t miss the more tedious of my chores, such as cleaning the manor. No longer being responsible for my share of that meant I could pursue other things. The quilt was one of them. It was my first time making one entirely on my own—my previous experience had been working alongside the other women making quilts for the household. It was true that I hardly needed to make one myself for our child, who wouldn’t lack for blankets, but I wanted a child of my body to have somewhat made with care by me. I’d made shirts for Isidore for the same reason. In time I would make clothing for our child too.

           With the arrival of spring, I returned to the gardens. It was the first time I’d done so since becoming lady of the manor. I could’ve hired a gardener to tend to the gardens according to my specifications, but I chose not to. The gardens had been my father’s charge for as long as I could remember and I was not about to give them over to another.

           “Are you certain you ought to be doing that in your condition?” a familiar voice asked. I looked up from the lavender bed to see Marcel, evidently deciding to stop for a chat on his way to the orchard.

           “Thank you for your concern, but this is hardly taxing.” I was far enough along now that my condition was quite apparent. I’d even had to make myself some new dresses and alter others to accommodate it.

           “You’re sure? Because I doubt d’Aiglemort would want you overexerting yourself.”

           “I’m quite sure, Marcel. I’ll stop if I feel tired or ill.”

           He knelt down until he was level with me. “Do you think you’ll have much time for gardening once he makes you his consort and you’re a mother?”

           “I certainly intend to make time, whatever happens,” I replied. Mayhap I could tend to the gardens at the townhouse Isidore offered to buy me. That would be my one requirement—I certainly didn’t need anything fancy. The prospect of being able to design and plan my gardens, not merely choose what I planted in plots laid out by someone else, was an exciting one.

           Somewhat softened in Marcel’s face. “I’ll miss you once you’re gone, you know.”

           I smiled. “I know, and I’ll miss you too. But you know I won’t be gone all the time. I love this place too much not to spend a portion of my time here.”

           “That’s good to know. Still, I’ll miss you.”

           After Marcel left, I let my thoughts wander. They were wont to take familiar paths these days. I couldn’t help wondering what our child will be like. Isidore wanted a son he could teach Camael’s Arts, but I had no preference. Boy or girl, I meant to teach our child to appreciate growing things as I did. Mayhap our child might even join me when I worked in the gardens. I would make sure the L’Agnacite heritage wasn’t lost beneath the Camaeline. I hoped the child would have Isidore’s beautiful hair. In my mind’s eye, I could see a girl who looked like me but for the silver hair or a boy who was the spitting image of his father.

           The first buds were just opening on the trees when Isidore returned to Lombelon. I could tell right away that he was not himself. He was tense, though his face brightened at the sight of me. “Somewhat’s bothering you, I can tell,” I said once we’d settled into the privacy of the master suite. “Care to tell me?”

           He looked away. “It’s nothing, Anne, just the impending invasion. Soon enough the passes will be free of snow and the Skaldi will be upon us. I cannot stay here long, but I had to see you again. You are well, I hope?”

           “Yes, aside from the common complaints of a woman with child.” I laid a hand on my stomach. “I’m managing just fine, though I have to admit I’m quite ready for the birth.”

           “We are into spring now. The start of summer is not so very far away.”

           “No, and yet time moves so slowly. Have you thought much about our child, what it might be like?”

           He pursed his lips, considering the question. “I have, yes.”

           “Personally I’m hoping it has your hair.”

           An amused expression came over his face. “Have you now?”

           “Of course. It’s beautiful.”

           “I’ll freely admit it’s my only vanity. So yes, I’ve also imagined our child inheriting my hair,” he answered, grinning.

           “Blessed Elua let it be so,” I said with a smile. “You are still hoping for a son?”

           “Yes, though I’d be willing to teach our daughter Camael’s Arts if she’d a mind to learn. Truth be told, I can’t see any child of mine not being drawn to the sword.”

           “Is that how it was for you?”

           He nodded. “I started learning around the time I was learning to read. I can still remember how it felt, the first time I picked up a practice sword. Somewhat inside of me cried out in happiness at how right it felt.”

           “That’s quite young to begin, is it not? I imagined you started at age ten, as the Cassiline Brothers do.”

           “Not in Camlach. I don’t know how it is in the other provinces, but it is common for Camaeline peers to begin training at such a young age,” he replied. I suppose that made sense if you were born to wield a sword.

           “Is it the same for the girls?”

           “I cannot say. I never had a sister, or indeed any close female friends until I went to the Shahrizai. If I had to guess, I’d say they begin later. Camaeline women don’t take to the battlefield, but they are expected to defend themselves.”

           Try as I might, I had a hard time picturing a noblewoman, even a Camaeline one, wielding a sword. “Do they carry swords as men do?”

           Isidore chuckled. “Some of them might. They certainly own them and bear them as needed. Camaeline noblewomen will defend themselves and their castles at need.”

           I’d never heard of any D’Angeline woman doing such a thing. It certainly wasn’t done in L’Agnace. “Would I be expected to do that?”

           He was quiet for a moment before answering. “Camael willing, there will be no more Skaldi attacks for some time after I deal with them and you’ll not need to concern yourself with such matters. The Camaelines won’t expect a gardener from L’Agnace to know how to defend a castle.”

           I let out a big sigh “Well that’s a relief!”

           “You are no Camaeline. They’ll notice that, as surely as everyone here can see I’m no L’Agnacite.”

           “I could tell the moment I set eyes on you, though I was quite preoccupied with how beautiful you are.”

           “Were you indeed?”

           “I was.”

           “Well, I wish I could say I noticed you when I first arrived, but I didn’t. There was much to take in. You only caught my attention when you brought me that first bottle of pear brandy.”

           “We owe a debt of gratitude to Thèrese, for choosing to send me up with that brandy,” I replied, leaning my head against his shoulder.

           We spoke of names for the first time that night. I lay propped up in bed, a stack of pillows behind my back, while Isidore rubbed oil onto my belly. The motion of his hands soon soothed me so much that I began to doze.

           “I had a thought about names.” His voice startled me into alertness.

           “Oh?” I hadn’t given the topic much thought, for all the time I’d spent imagining what our child would be like.

           “If we should have a son, I’d like to name him Maslin.”

           “A pretty name. I like it.” He gave me a small smile in response. “Maslin was your father’s name, was it not?”

           “Yes. I thought we might follow tradition.”

           The babe moved at his words as if in agreement. “That would be good. If we have a daughter, we could name her Louise after my mother.”

           For a moment I thought he might insist a daughter be named after his mother, but he didn’t. Instead all he said was, “Louise d’Aiglemort? That does have a certain flow to it.”

           “Well, there’s that decided. Maslin for a boy; Louise for a girl,” I remarked. He continued to massage me and I closed my eyes in contentment. He’d rubbed my feet earlier in the evening, which I greatly appreciated. Any relief from the aches and pains that came with my condition were quite welcome.

           “You look as content as can be,” Isidore observed.

           “I am. The only thing that could make me happier would be you staying here until the birth.”

           “You know I cannot do that, much as I wish I could.”

           “Yes, but I can’t help wishing it was so,” I replied.

           He ceased his rubbing and moved to lie beside me. “I will do whatever I can to be here for the birth,” he said gently, black eyes softening as he met my gaze. “I cannot promise more than that, and there is a real possibility that I will fail.”

           My hopes deflated at his words. Every time I’d imagined giving birth he was beside me, despite knowing he was needed to deal with the Skaldi. I’d held that hope since I discovered I was with child and it died hard. Isidore saw the disappointment in my face and laid a hand on my belly. “I will not make false promises to you, Anne. All I can promise is that I will try. The Skaldi will be defeated by then, Camael willing.”

           “Camael willing.”

 **

           We spoke more about the future the next day. Isidore was due to leave the day after that and we were determined to spend as much time together as we could. Despite his assurances, the impending Skaldi invasion lingered in my mind. This was rather more serious than the border raids he’d spoken of previously. What would happen if the Skaldi were able to breach the border defenses? I shuddered at the thought of a horde of barbarians raping, pillaging, and plundering their way across Terre d’Ange. These fears I mostly kept to myself, not wanting to mar our time together. It was the last time I would see him before the invasion, and I did not want it filled with talk of coming war.

           It was a chilly spring day, cold enough to warrant wearing a cloak when walking outside. We walked together in the orchard, where the laborers who tended the trees could be seen here and there going about their work. It was chilly enough that the sun peeking through the clouds gave little warmth. Beside the buds on the trees, here and there green shoots poked their way through the earth. I’d always loved spring. It was heartening to see the first bits of green coming up after months of winter. Yet I did not feel that way this spring, rare for a L’Agnacite and unheard of for a gardener.

           “I’ve been giving some thought to matters of inheritance,” Isidore began, “I know very well how deeply you love Lombelon and it seems fitting that our child should inherit it.”

           “Elua willing, our child will love Lombelon as much as I do.” The babe was half-L’Agnacite, after all, and surely that wouldn’t all vanish beneath the Camaeline heritage.

           “Indeed, I cannot imagine any child of ours not inheriting your L’Agnacite love of the land,” he replied, amused.

           “Neither can I,” I said with a grin, “for I do not mean to let our child be ignorant of that part of its heritage. What of your other estates? Would our child inherit them as well?”

           He took a moment to consider the question. “Mayhap. We shall see.”

           “Because politics may demand you marry some noblewoman?”

           “Yes. You do understand that such a marriage would not mean me casting you aside?”

           I nodded. “I know well enough how you feel about me to be certain that wouldn’t be the case.”

           He took my hand in his and ran a calloused thumb over it. “You are first in my heart, now and always. No future wife of mine will ever come between us. And if it transpires that I need not marry for politics, I would be pleased to have our child succeed me as Duc or Duchese d’Aiglemort.”

           My child, ruling a province. “That would be… a great honor.” In truth I cared very little about such things. Our child inheriting Lombelon meant more to me than becoming a Duc or Duchese. That a child of my blood would inherit the home I loved was so much more than I’d ever dreamed. With that inheritance, my child would be a peer of the Realm. I smiled a little at the thought—not bad for the grandchild of a gardener.

           “We shall see but Lombelon, that is certain. I’ll see it done once the babe is born and officially acknowledged by me,” he said. “It is easy enough to change my will and dispose of my estates as I see fit.”

           “Do you think you’ll still want to come here often once I am living with you as your consort?” I asked. All this talk of estates had me wondering how much time I’d be spending at Lombelon in the future.

           “We can come here as often as you like,” Isidore replied, “and you would be welcome to come here without me if you so desired. I’ll not expect you to remain at my side wherever I go. I doubt you’d enjoy the border fortifications.”

           “No, I daresay I would not. I recall you once telling me there were almost no women to be found there, not even Servants of Naamah.”

           “There’s little in the way of comfort to be found. Hardly a place I’d take my consort, even with the border perfectly quiet and peaceful.”

           This talk of the border brought the fears I’d tried to bury back to the surface. “Will it be a long campaign, do you think?”

           He looked away, taking time to consider his answer. “I am hopeful that it will be. The combined might of the Allies of Camlach and the Royal Army should suffice to drive back the Skaldi.” There was a note of tension in his voice that hadn’t been there before; I suspected he was more worried about the battle to come than he was letting on, not wanting me to worry overmuch. Well, it was too late for that now. My worry must’ve shown on my face, for he gave my hand a squeeze of reassurance and stroked my cheek gently. He said nothing; there was nothing to say on this matter that hadn’t been said already.

           Did I know, then, what was to come? I did not. All I had was a nagging worry, born of what he’d told me of the Skaldi. I suppose many women have felt the same when their lovers have gone off to war. It is my own misfortune that those worries would prove to be horribly correct, and in ways I couldn’t have begun to imagine. That last day we spent together became all the more precious. I was for enough gone with child by then that long walks tired me, so we returned to the manor after a short walk through the gardens and nearest orchard. Instead we retired to the manor, where we passed the rest of the day in quiet companionship, savoring each other’s presence. Things had progressed to the point where simply being together was enough. That being said, we were certain to make good use of what we both knew would be our last night together for some time. It would indeed prove to be our last together, but for a far longer time than either of us anticipated.

           We took our time that night, hands exploring each other’s bodies as if for the first time. The feel of his calloused hands on me never failed to stir my desire, and this was no exception. Isidore took the lead, as he’d done every night of this visit, and I was content to lie on the plush pillows and let him pleasure me. He moved slowly with the languisement, licking and sucking until I thought I might die of pleasure. With me now so far gone with child, he insisted that I relax and let him take over. I was more than happy to do so. That never lost its appeal for me, who’d been a servant for so long, being serviced by another.

           The Trois Milles Joies lists positions considered most comfortable for a woman with child. We’d already sampled a few on this visit. After he brought me to the peak of arousal for a second time, I turned on my side and spread my legs. My foot came to rest on Isidore’s shoulder as he situated himself between my legs. He moved as slowly as he had with everything else that night. I closed my eyes and savored the feeling of him inside me, of his hand gripping my thigh. I almost didn’t want my climax to come so I might remain in that moment. But come it did, for I could not preserve the night forever. Later we lay closely together, both of us spent and satisfied. I lay on my side, with him pressed up close against my back, one arm thrown protectively over my stomach.

           The morning came too soon.

           Since being relieved of my servant duties, I’d taken to lingering longer in bed than I would have otherwise, even when Isidore wasn’t there. This morning was no exception. If I remained in bed, perhaps the day wouldn’t begin and Isidore wouldn’t leave me. I wondered if he felt the same, for he did not rise as early as he usually did. After some minutes had passed, I felt him move off the bed. I turned to watch as he dressed, fixing the image of his perfect body in my mind. I never tired of looking at him, especially when he was unclothed. He was well-aware of it too, and I swear he would deliberately take his time dressing for my enjoyment. This was not one of those times, much to my dismay. There was naught for me to do then but rise and don my own clothes.

           Isidore handed me a small wooden box once I’d finished dressing. “A gift for you. Since I’ll not be here for your birthday, I thought I might give it to you now.”

           I opened it to find a delicate snowdrop pendant on a silver chain. The white flower was inlaid with pearl and the green stem set with emeralds. “Oh!” No one had ever given me such a valuable gift, and I found myself at a loss for words.

           “You told me you’d like to see snowdrops.” His voice was soft. “This will have to do until I can take you with me to Camlach.”

           I slipped the necklace over my head. The chain was long enough that there was no need to undo the clasp. It came to rest just above my breasts. “It’s beautiful. I will wear it and think of you until we are reunited.”

           We left the bedchamber and walked into the sitting room. A meal waited for us on the table. I immediately spread jam on a thick slice of baguette and took a bite. I was well-accustomed by now to the increases in appetite brought on by my condition. Even so, I was a bit surprised to find myself still hungry after finishing my meal. Indeed, the meal passed all too quickly and there was no more delaying the inevitable.

           I met Isidore in the courtyard to bid him farewell, as was our custom. A few other members of the household were present, as were his men in their familiar black-and-silver livery, but we might’ve been alone for all the attention I paid them. It was a clear spring day, with a hint of winter’s chill yet in the air. He pulled me into his arms and kissed me softly. “Return to me,” I breathed once we’d separated, resting my head against his chest, “return to me and see our child born.”

           “I have every intention of doing so,” he said, stroking my hair with a gloved hand. “If I should not return… I left you enough coin to keep you and the babe for a while. You will name it as we discussed?”

           “Yes. Maslin for a boy; Louise for a girl.”

           “Very good.” I leaned my cheek against the rich velvet of his doublet; his hand moved to rest on my back. “Anne, I want you to know that though it is unlikely I’ll be able to write much, you will be in my thoughts every day we are parted.” His voice was thick with emotion. “Every soldier knows there’s nothing quite like the promise of returning home to loved ones to keep him going through the hell of war. I want you to know that I’ll carry the memory of you with me along with the promise of our child and hope they will see me through.”

           Tears slid down my cheeks, soaking into his doublet. “Anne.” I lifted my head to look up at him. His black eyes were filled with a terrible love. “Anne, love, please don’t cry. I don’t want my last sight of you before I go to war to be with tears running down your face.” He removed one of his gloves and gently brushed the tears away. That he called me “love” was enough to show the depths of his feelings. He rarely did that.

           “That would hardly be a memory to sustain you through the hardships of war,” I replied, giving him a small smile.

           He brushed the last of my tears away. “Indeed it would not.”

           I stroked his beautiful hair and gave him another kiss. “I trust that will be a better memory.”

           “Rest assured that it will.”

           We kissed and embraced for a little while longer until the parting could be put off no longer. “I love you,” he said as we separated. “Sometimes I think I haven’t said that as often I should have.”

           “It doesn’t matter. I’ve known it in my heart, as you know I love you.”

           We parted truly then, and I watched as he mounted his horse, waved to me, and rode down the path to the gate with his men following close behind him. I remained where I was until his distant figure vanished from sight.

           I never saw him again.

 **

           It is an unfortunate thing that the mind will retain the memories of the worst moments of our lives when we’d much prefer to forget them if we could. I would gladly do without the memory of the day my world came crashing down around me. Spring had come in earnest by then and the pear trees were fully leafed out. Many flowers had already started to bloom. A few weeks had passed since Isidore’s departure and I wondered how he was faring. Surely the mountain passes were open by now and the Skaldi invasion had begun.

           I was now in the last weeks of my term. Early summer, the priestess had told me, or mayhap late spring if the babe was minded to come early. With some reluctance I had to cut down on my time in the gardens, as I tried easily. The birth really couldn’t come soon enough. This was my mood, then, when the news arrived.

           Lombelon was never starved for news. Close as we were to the City, we heard things. Couriers passed by frequently and would often share news with us. It was one such courier who brought the news that was to devastate me. I was in the upstairs sitting room when he came, working on the quilt. It was very near to completion. The noise downstairs was clearly audible with the door to the room open. I set the quilt aside and rose from my chair, awkward as I now was. I’d made it halfway down the stairs when I heard the news the courier brought.

           “The Duc d’Aiglemort has turned traitor to the Crown!”

           The words were a dagger to my heart. I gripped the railing tightly as the room seemed almost to spin around me. Isidore, a traitor? Surely not! He always was mindful of his duty to protect the Realm from the Skaldi. I wouldn’t believe it, I couldn’t believe it…

           “The Skaldi have invaded through the passes of Camlach, a horde such as has never been seen in recent times!”

           He’d been preparing to fend off the invasion by making sure the passes were well-defended. How many times had we spoken of this, and how it was his duty to protect the Realm from the Skaldi. “No,” I heard myself saying, “no. He wouldn’t do that. The Skaldi must’ve broken past the border defenses. They have a strong leader…”

           But the courier shook his head. “You are mistaken, Madame. I have just come from the front and heard the news from those who were there.”

           “Then they must be mistaken! He’d never let the Skaldi through the passes intentionally!”

           “D’Aiglemort left the southern passes lightly defended so the Skaldi could pass through. He meant to use them to claim the throne for himself.” A small crowd had gathered around the courier by now. “But the Skaldi turned on him, and he fled with his army into the mountains.”

           I didn’t want to believe it. It was too awful a thing to contemplate, that the man I loved could betray our nation in such a way. Yet the rational part of my mind pointed out that a courier riding to the City had no reason to lie about such a thing. What purpose would he have in making up things about Isidore? It’s true, that part of my mind insisted, otherwise why carry such news to the City? This I understood, even as the rest of me rebelled at it. I was lover to a traitor, carrying a traitor’s child…

           My legs seemed to be made of jelly. I clung to the railing so tightly my knuckles were white and sank to my knees, mind reeling. Footsteps sounded on the stairs as some of the crowd noticed me and meant to see that I was unharmed. Hands grabbed my arms and carefully lifted me up; I couldn’t have said whose they were.

           “Anne!” someone cried out.

           “Quick—she might lose the child!”

           I could not say what exactly happened next, only that my head was spinning and the shock of the news rendered me unable to focus on anything else. The next thing I can recall clearly is lying on my bed. I turned my head to see Thèrese sitting in a chair at the bedside, watching me intently. “Thèrese?” I asked, sitting up.

           She held up a hand and I settled back down on the pillows. “You’re in shock from what you just heard. You need to rest and steady yourself.”

           My hand came to rest on my stomach. Nothing felt out of the ordinary, indeed the babe moved as if in response to my apprehension. I breathed a small sigh of relief. Had I fallen down the stairs, the worst might’ve happened. Thèrese’s gaze moved from my face to my stomach. “I’m so sorry, Anne.”

           Everything was a haze. All I could think of was the revelation that Isidore was a traitor. He’d never said anything to me indicating he coveted the throne, not once in the years we’d been lovers. The only time I could recall him showing any sort of ambition when he told me about the triumph he and Baudoin had been grated by the King. Yet it had clearly been growing inside him for years and he’d kept it from me. I had to wonder—how well did I really know him? What else had he kept from me? “Oh Isidore, how could you?” I whispered, turning away from Thèrese. After a few minutes passed, I heard her chair scrape across the floor followed by the sound of her shoes as she walked out of the room. The tears flowed then, as if a dam holding them back had burst.

[thesunnyshow]

Name: Alana

Writing Blog URL(s): @jinyoungsir

What fandom(s) do you write for?: GOT7, BTS, Monsta X, Stray Kids, Ateez, NCT

Age: 27

Nationality: American

Languages: English

Star Sign: Aries

MBTI: I’m not sure. I’ve taken the test so many times but I never remember the result.

Favorite color: Black

Favorite food: Potatoes! All forms of potatoes!!

Favorite movie: Harry Potter? Jurassic Park/World? Twister? Jaws? I love movies...it’s so hard to choose!

Favorite ice cream flavor: Vanilla with lots of fudge & brownie bits.

Favorite animal: Tigers! I like big cats and the way they move. 

Coffee or tea? What are you ordering?: Coffee- Peppermint White Mocha HOT! Or any flavor tea hot or cold as long as it’s sweetened!

Dream job (whether you have a job or not): Writing and Traveling. Something far from the 9-5, ‘working for the man’ type of job.

Go-to karaoke song: ‘Shoop’ by Salt-N-Pepa (thank u Deadpool)

If you could have one superpower, what would you choose?: The ability to manipulate time because I am late for everything and also, I would 100% pause the timeline for a little mental health break once a day. 

If you could visit a historical era, which would you choose?: Idk if this counts but I low-key would have loved to be a pirate. So whatever timeline that fits into. 

If you could restart your life, knowing what you do now, would you?: No, thank you. I already have a defiance disorder. I’m not going to be under 18 ever again. I like doing what I want when I want as an adult lol. Everything turned out okay. 

Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized horses or one horse-sized chicken?: 100 chicken-sized horses. I hope I drown in them. What a dream.

If you were a trope in a teen high school movie, what would you have been?: I AM a teen highschool movie trope lol my husband and I met in school at fourteen.

Do you believe in aliens/supernatural creatures?: YES, because the world is just too big for there not to be. 

Fun fact about yourself that not everyone would know?: I stopped eating pizza for several years for no real reason other than not wanting to eat pizza and then just starting eating it again one day as if I had never stopped. 

When did you post your first piece?: I think it was May 2019.

Do you write fluff/angst/crack/general/smut, combo, etc? Why?: Mostly fluff & humor because I’m kind of soft and I really love a feel-good fic. Any angst I write is typically resolved by the end because I live for a happy ending. And occasional smut strictly for the spice. 

Do you write OCs, X Readers, Ships...etc?: OCs & xReaders. 

Why did you decide to write for Tumblr?: I love/hate the format tbh but mostly because of my tumblr community. I love being able to meet and talk to new people easily thru the platform. 

What inspires you to write?: Everything! Songs, movies, commercials, personal events, etc. Sometimes it’s just a word, phrase, or picture.

What genres/AUs do you enjoy writing the most?: I’m a major sucker for friends/strangers to lovers! and I LOVE a good Mafia/Gang/Assassin!AU. On the opposite end of the spectrum, you can catch me writing dad!au stories. 

What do you hope your readers take away from your work?: I just hope it makes them feel good. Laugh, smile, cry, yell, uwu, just- all the emotions. 

What do you do when you hit a rough spot creatively?: Take a break. Read a book, dive into a k-drama, binge a few fics. Sometimes I just have to put the laptop away until I’m ready to start again.

What is your favorite work and why? Your most successful?: My favorite story is probably ‘Over The Top’ with GOT7’s Bambam. It’s a dad!au about bam’s twin boys’ first birthday party. I’m quite attached to their family dynamic in the story and may even revisit twin terrors Somsak & Somchai in the future. Most successful? Probably the ‘Bubbles’ series, a Monsta X OT7 fiesta. I had a lot of feedback while posting that series and made a lot of friends. (It was also my first actual fic & it jump-started this blog!)

Who is your favorite person to write about?: Jackson Wang or Park Jinyoung from GOT7 and Han Jisung from Stray Kids. 

Do you think there’s a difference between writing fanfiction vs. completely original prose?: This is kind of a tough one because, yes- as a fanfic writer I’m using a real person as a character, however, the storyline, the dialog, the emotions, the actions of the characters are all organic. I could take any one of my stories and replace only that person’s name and it would be considered entirely original. So, I guess I would say it’s not so different. 

What do you think makes a good story?: Great dialog. 

What is your writing process like?: Sometimes I get an idea and go straight to word vomiting and editing. Sometimes it’s planning the title, characters, tags list, & summary then not looking at it for a few weeks until I’m ready to write it. 

Would you ever repurpose a fic into a completely original story?: Yes. All of my stories are AU (non-idol verse) so I would totally repurpose them.

What tropes do you love, and what tropes can’t you stand?: Love: friends/strangers/enemies to lovers, + grumpy character only soft for their love interest. Dislike: Love triangles, angsty slow burn, cheating, etc.

How much would you say audience feedback/engagement means to you?: IT IS EVERYTHING. I love reading tags, getting aks, getting messages, it warms my heart, and really motivates me to keep going.

What has been one of the biggest factors of your success (of any size)?: When I write and I really like my own story, it feels like a success. 

Do you think fanfic writers get unfairly judged?: Yes, they certainly can be. I think people who don’t understand fanfiction can have a very narrow mindset and belittle fanfic writers because of that misunderstanding.

Do you think art can be a medium for change?: Yes. Even if its something as small as changing one’s mood. 

Do you ever feel there are times when you’re writing for others, rather than yourself?: Not usually. I try to only write things that make me happy and if I ever get requests I’m not into, I usually won’t write it. If I’m not enjoying myself and the story, it’s not worth the pressure I put on myself to write it.

Do you ever feel like people have misunderstood you or your writing at times?: It’s definitely possible, but I haven’t had many issues with this so far.

Do your offline friends/loved ones know you write for Tumblr?: My mom, dad, sister, husband, and two other friends know.

What is one thing you wish you could tell your followers?: I’m always here to make you laugh and smile, whenever you need it. I hope my stories can bring you joy.

Do you have any advice for aspiring writers who might be too scared to put themselves out there?: Do it for yourself. If you are enjoying yourself then it’s worth it. 

Are there any times when you regret joining Tumblr?: I love this hellsite. I’ve been here since high school and I have no regrets. 

Do you have any mutuals who have been particularly formative/supportive in your Tumblr journey?: AJ: my favorite bean, Chelle: my fav writer & inspo, Megan: my hype squad gf, Leena: my sisterwife, Na: my #1 supporter, and Val: my JJP/Wonu Soulmate. 

Pick a quote to end your interview with: “mo0n Mo0n JiN m0oN!” - Jeon Jeongguk

BONUS ROUND: K-POP CONFIDENTIAL