#me to myself in the mirror: if you POST your art you will feel better

[kowai-kabuki-tanuki]

these two are like romeo and juliet in my head, i swear. (if romeo was an ancient stoner hippie and juliet was a psychotic desiccated vulture.)

Bonus circle of the suns

[pagelets]

Choi Beomgyu as your bf:

“I knew from the first time I’d stay for a long time ‘cause I like me better when I’m with you”

Note: just fluff basically and Beomgyu being romantic.

(I could help myself and wrote it already hehe)

Taehyun version

Yeonjun version

Soobin version

Huening Kai version

- Carries you with him everywhere:

• He carries with him one of your favorite rings on his necklace.

• It doesn’t matter if he’s only going to the company or to the other side of the world, you are going with Gyu.

- Hides behind you when there’s a bug in your place:

• Of course Gyu protects you and treats you like a princess but not when it comes to a bug invading your nest.

• He would run around the house looking for a potential weapon, such as a pillow or your favorite china and would hide behind the couch or under the table till you got home to save him.

• After throwing the bug out of the windows with the help of a piece of paper, he tells you: “You know I love you, right?” “Yes, I know Gyu. Now get off the fridge".

- Loves your music taste:

• He could spend all day making a Jam on Spotify with you.

• Whenever he has freetime in the company he tunes in to listen what you’re listening to, quickly texting you asking if he can make a request.

- “How was your day?”:

• He wants to know everything.

• If you drank enough water, if you ate, if you remembered to put on sunscreen, how the traffic was, if your boss was nice to you, if the gym was crownded, everything.

• He could listen to you talk about your day for hours.

- Love notes:

• Since Beomgyu expresses himself better through writing, he usually leaves love notes on post-its all around the house before he leaves for work.

• Since you are out of the house before him and you come back before him as well, you’re always welcomed by beautiful love notes on the kitchen counter, on top of the bed, or even on the bathroom mirror, each day a different spot.

• When he’s not in the country, he texts you the notes at the time you usually get home from work.

- Cuddles, lot of cuddles:

• He isn’t clingy or codependent, he just feels so good around you and cuddling is one of his ways of showing you that.

- Art classes with Mr. Choi:

• He has so many artistic skills that you feel embarrassed when you compare your artworks.

• But no worries, Gyu is determined to make you the next Picasso.

• He holds your hands from behind while tracing lines on paper or when softly brushing a canvas with the paint.

• Sometimes you even pretend you’re not managing to do it on your own just so he'll keep guiding you like that. It's so sexy.

- And don’t forget, Beomgyu is still a brat:

• You’re no exception, he screams and teases you just as much as he does with other people.

• He screams and crosses his arms when you say no to him. Then he curls up in some corner of the house till you go talk to him the same way you do with a 4 year old toddler.

• In the end he always wins with his cute little pout and you end up doing whatever he wants.

[expresso-bean]

The Man Out of Time [A ShadAmy and Silver Story]: Chapter 1

Pairing: Shadow the Hedgehog x Amy Rose

Description: It has been seven years of peace following the grueling war with Eggman and his army. Though it took time to rebuild what they have lost, life for the Freedom Fighters could not be better. Whether it's finding love or trying to run from their past, celebrating post-war times has been different for each of them.

All is well until a silver hedgehog comes knocking on Amy Rose's door to deliver the tragic news about an incredible force that seems to be the cause of the future's destruction.

Will anyone believe the mysterious hedgehog's cry for help? Or will he be left to fight for his future alone? Read to find out!

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2.1k

POV: Amy Rose

!! I do not own any of the art/gifs/borders used in my chapters. All credits to the rightful owners !!

Masterlist

I squinted my eyes as the unbarring, golden light of the sun shone in my face. I groaned and let out a small yawn and turned my back to the light before I blinded myself. 

"Ugh, there goes my eight hours of sleep," I affirmed to myself as I relentlessly arose from my bed and rubbed my eyes. "What else could go wrong today?"

Today was yet another failed, semi-sleepless night for me. Recently, I have been having a lot of those because of restless nights filled with flashbacks and nightmares about my past.

About...him.

He has been the one plaguing the back of my mind for the last 10 years since the day he left me without a single goodbye. As much I tried to push the memory of his sudden disappearance, I couldn't help but wonder about the reason behind his sudden abandonment of me. Why did he leave me when he knew he was the only one I had left? The only thing I had left of the mess I call a family.

I looked to my right, my phone was still ringing. 

'If you hadn't interrupted me, how would I have laid awake here? What else what I have dreamed about?'

I shook my head, and when the phone stopped vibrating, I saw that Sonic had called me 9 times. 

'Oh no! The get-together! I completely forgot!' I reached for my phone and nearly melted into my bed when I saw I still had an hour to get ready. 'I still have time!'

 I jerked up when my phone started to ring again. Sonic's name and photo shined in my face and I quickly answered it.

"Morning Ames," Sonic's usual friendly voice flooded the phone. "You're still pulling through, right?"

"Yeah, sorry, I was busy with something! Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is more than okay. Cream and Tails just showed, it was weird not seeing you with them. I thought it was a good idea to check up in with you."

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine, sorry I was busy this morning, but I'll be there soon!"

"Okay, take your time, see you then!"

"Bye!" I exclaimed and hung up before he could say anything in return. Sonic's house is 10 minutes walk from mine, so I need all the time I can get. "I need to get ready, fast!"

I rushed to my closet and began to change out of my nightwear and into a fresh, cherry red dress along with a cool-toned peach blazer. I took a brief second to check myself in the mirror, and I realized the pure tiredness on my face. I was much paler than usual, and I had deep, dark bags under my eyes that not even concealer could fix. I knew my friends were bound to bring it up, and I had no excuse for it, and there was no way I was going to tell them the truth. I sighed, mentally preparing myself for what to come and dashed out the door, almost tripping as I tried to close it, making sure it was locked and secure. 

The view of the clear blue sky and the feel of the fresh, cold Autumn air were the first things to greet me as I walked down from my doorstep to the sidewalk. As I walked, I was sure to take in the rest of the lovely nature that surrounded me. I watched with a smile as the birds chirped in peach and cherry trees, and colorful butterflies fluttered around bushes and flowers. It was certainly an unusual step up from the wasteland the world used to be. Just remembering the grey skies and dead plants that once filled this, beautiful world made me shudder and cringe at the very thought of having to re-live it. I speed up my pace when I saw Sonic's house in the distance.

"He sounded really excited on the phone, I wonder what this party is about!" I giggled to myself, letting my mind race at the number of things Sonic could be so ecstatic about. Then again, I give the man to much credit. One time he called me, full-on crying, because his girlfriend Sally never tried a chilly dog. "I swear if this is about a hot dog or something stupid like that..." I felt my eye twitch in annoyance as my voice trailed off. "I will leave if it is something stupid as that again."

I approached his doorstep and walked close to the light slate door to give it a soft knock. I heard loud footsteps approach, and the sudden opening of the door made me take a step back and squeak in surprise.

"Amy!" Sonic's loud voice greeted me as he engulfed me in a bear hug. I hugged him back and quietly said hello to him. He pulled back and smiled at me. "Come in, the rest of the gang already here!" 

Sonic rushed inside his house, and I slowly followed in suit, closing the door behind me. A quick rush of anxiety filled my body when I saw all my friends in Sonic's living room, talking amongst themselves. It's been about a month since I have seen or spoken to any of my friends, mostly due to my own anxiety of telling anyone of them about him.

I felt as everyone's eyes fell on me, and I awkwardly gave a small wave as I approached them. 

"Good morning, everybody!" I heard a union of 'morning' greetings and warm smiles from my friends. Cream, Cheese, and Rouge got up from where they were sitting to come and greet me. 'So far, so good!'

"Amy! It's so great to see you again!" Cream squealed as she and Cheese embraced me. "Chao Chao!" 

I smiled and hugged her tightly, a wave of sadness hit me slightly, I really did miss her warm, honey-sweet voice.

"Hey hun, don't forget about me!" I gently unwrap my arms from Cream to greet Rouge, who I also missed in the past month. She hugged me tightly and swung me from side to side a little. "Ah, I missed you girl, where have you been?" I felt my body stiffen as she asked me that. My mind seemed to go blank as I let out an unsure 'uh' from my mouth. Rouge let go of me and clasped her hands on my cheeks to examen my face. "Hun, are you okay? You look tired." 

I averted my eyes from her concerned gaze and took a step back. The room grew quiet, and the anxiety in me rose once more. The feeling of everyone's eyes burning holes into me drove me mad.

"Yeah, I'm fine!" I flashed a fake, reassuring smile and gave out an exhausted laugh. "Don't worry about me. I just didn't get enough sleep last night, that's all."

"Are you sure nothing is wrong, Amy? You can always talk to us, we are your friends," I looked at Cream nervously and lightly sighed. "We care about you."

"I know Cream. I just couldn't sleep, I swear." I shut my eyes, pleading for this interrogation to stop. "You know I'm a terrible liar."

'Smooth way to out yourself as a good liar.'

"Well, if you say so, hun. We just worry, okay?" Rouge reassured me in a calming tone. "Can you blame us for asking? It's been a while since any of us have seen you in person."

"I'm going to head to the restroom, I'll be back in a second." 

"Sally and Sonic made breakfast, I'll fix you a plate, okay hun?"

"Thanks Rouge, I'll only be a bit!"

I gave the two girls a smile before excusing myself and headed in the direction of Sonic's bathroom. I felt as if my heart was going to erupt from the pent up frustration of not being able to express myself openly in front of my own friends.

"Rose." 

The sound of that name startled me. I knew only one person who called me that.

"Shadow! Good morning, sorry, I didn't see you, I assumed you had passed off on this offer."

Shadow was reclining against a blue slate wall. He was only inches away from the doorway that lead to the bathroom and other rooms in the house. His eyes were shut, and he looked relaxed from what I could see. 

"It seemed important to him," I smiled a bit, wanting to laugh. Shadow has a mind of his own, only showing up when he wants to, or if he needs too. "He also wouldn't shut up about it."

'So that's the real reason.'

"Y-yeah, I wonder what it could be. I imagine something important if he was pestering you so much about it."

"I suppose."

I stood there for a second, just staring over him. Last time I saw Shadow, I was having lunch with him. It was the anniversary of Maria's death. He doesn't usually like to be alone on those days.  

I felt something pang in my lower abdomen. I remember why I was near this doorway now.

"S-sorry, give me one second."

I rushed into the bathroom and quickly when to relieve myself. When I was done, I went to wash my hands. Suddenly, I felt sweaty while I thought of my conversation with Shadow.

'Did he seem mad? He wasn't talking to much when I saw him.' I shut off the water, and when to dry my hands with the towel hanging beside the sink. 'No, why would he be mad. I haven't even seen him all this month. What is there to be mad about?' 

I sighed , gripping onto the edges of the sink.

'Why am I so bad at this?'

I shook my head. I needed to calm down. Rouge and Cream where waiting for me outside.

'I'll worry about it later. Shadow's probably talking with everyone else by now. He won't be there when I get out anyway. There is nothing to worry about!'

I shut the light off and, with a shaky hand, unlocked the door. When I opened it, I was relieved to see no one was there.

'Nothing to worry about!'

"I know you're lying."

The words surged through my body like piercing electricity. Shadow was in the exact same place as he was before. His eyes were still shut, his stance hadn't changed a bit. Which wasn't surprising. I hadn't been away for too long. Still, it was out of character for him to say something like that to me.

'He seems to care about what I'm feeling. We've had out small moments in the past. I wouldn't expect for him to confront me about this like this.'

I smiled at him nervously. I would hope he'd assume I'm awkward rather than anxiously trying to hid what was really going wrong in my life. 

"Don't avoid the obvious, Rose. I know you're not telling us something. You've been gone for well over a month without any explanation or contact with anyone, and when you do suddenly appear, you look frail, drained, and exhausted. Something isn't right." 

I stood there in troubled awe.

'How was he able to read me so well?'

A cold shiver of fear erupted in my body as a tear slide down my cheek. I attempted to laugh it off to get him off my tail but obviously failed miserably as more tears escaped my eyes. I quickly looked away from him when I felt his piercing stares. The stares of people always made me anxious, no matter how many times I try to ignore it, it always makes me feel nervous. I squeezed my eyes shut, preparing myself to walk away from him to not further embarrass myself when I felt something warm wrap around me tightly.

'Was Shadow...hugging me?'

I gained the courage to open my eyes and was met with my face near a tuft of white fur and arms place softly on my waist. I felt the heat rush to my cheeks and the pounding of my heart in my chest, but not out of anxiety, but out of giddy nervousness.

"No more tears, Rose, talk to me after. Please." 

With wide eyes, I nodded and slowly released myself out of his grip. Rouge and Cream looked at me and tilted there heads a bit.

"Are you okay?" Rouge handed a plate of pancakes topped with whipped cream and colorful berries to Amy, who set it down on her lap. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Or worse."

"No, I'm okay," Cream handed her a fork. "Thanks girls, I'm just hungry."

'He's right,' Amy shoveled a pieces of berries and whipped cream into her mouth. 'I'm a liar.'

[apollokids]

Thoughts about tsats, trauma, and the cocoa puffs

Nico’s personality in tsats feels most reminiscent of what he was like in The Titans Curse which (imo) is a sign that he is slowly healing and living with his trauma.

The Sun and the Star emphasizes that trauma and PTSD can make it feel like one’s past life events happened to a completely different person, and it mentions that Nico relates to this feeling. This distancing of oneself from past memories, experiences, and personality can result in feeling disconnected for a while, taking on new personality traits, feeling like a chameleon mimicking others, or just feeling empty.

For some people (maybe, depending on when trauma occurs), healing can be about reconnecting with our childhood selves. Depending on what someone was like before trauma, like maybe Nico for example, that can mean becoming more emotional, being more playful, indulging in your childhood interests (eg. mythomagic cards). And Nico’s progression practically mirrored mine exactly through the years, and the ways I changed in ED treatment.

It's hard to let go of a disorder when in some cases it feels like the only thing that’s stayed stable in our lives. Suffering is touted as the pinnacle of art-- we see its romanticization everywhere. It sounds weird to say that I miss being sick, or I miss my suffering, when I'm actively trying to make my life better, but those thoughts do come up. And when it comes to characters I project that misery on to? Well, if I’m suffering, then they have to suffer with me! (After all, they’re just characters, it’s not that deep, right?) Except I found that the more I made my characters suffer, and focused on the ‘beauty’ of suffering, the harder it was for me to heal from my own. Whenever my health was in decline, I characterized my favorite characters the same way. It was just as hard to allow those characters to heal as it was to allow myself to heal. (Other people might not feel the same, though.)

I think Nico choosing to accept the physical manifestations of his demons (while also setting them free, and allowing them to exist as they please) mirrors the suggestion I was given in treatment when I struggled with the idea of ‘giving up’ my eating disorder– because to me, it was always either defeat the disorder or be consumed by it, and defeating it sounded like killing a part of me or erasing a part of my past or my home. Approaching treatment from the standpoint of killing my eating disorder scared me too much. I knew my disorder had caused problems for me, but many of the habits and behaviors I’d developed had served as my coping mechanism and they helped me survive. 

So, my therapist told me: “You don’t have to shun your disorder, kill it, or say goodbye. Instead, you can acknowledge that it served a purpose during a point in your life in which you used it to survive, but you no longer need to hold on to it and that’s okay — you’re setting it free. Maybe even instead of saying goodbye, you can say ‘thank you, I’m alright now.’”

And that’s pretty much… exactly what Nico did with the demons. Bob, too, acknowledged that he was a titan, and that was part of his past, and that’s okay — but he’s allowed to change. And Nico is too.

I just found that really really wonderful because I related to it so heavily. He didn’t want to conquer his trauma in battle. He wanted it to just… be acknowledged, and set free. And it followed him, but he can have a better relationship with his past now. He’s not consumed by it. It’s just there, it’s a part of him, and he can continue to live his life. And I think reading this book (while trying to maintain and navigate post-treatment life) was exactly what I needed to remind myself why I’m doing this.

[crybabycinna]

Yall remember when I made a post about modern day Lin getting nudes from her girl yeah here’s a smut about that post….idk why I decided to write this. I have fun writing modern day Lin stuff it’s funny and I would love to do a series but idk!

Lin and I have been dating for a couple of months now. It’s really nice! She's so kind and funny but she doesn’t think she’s funny but I do. It’s been a while since she and I had sex so I thought it would be a good idea to rile her up a bit. I went through my lingerie drawer to pick something she’s never seen before. Once I found my outfit I laid it out then went to take a shower so I could shave. I wanted to be soft when she came over. I did my best to be patient as I shaved since I wanted to make sure I got every bit of hair. I know Lin doesn’t care but I care. When I finished I made sure to wash my body then get out.

I put on lotion to make myself baby soft. I fixed up my hair and did a little makeup then put on my outfit. It was a pink baby doll lingerie set that had pink thong panties. I fixed my boobs in the mirror to make sure they looked good for my pictures. I set my phone up and took multiple pictures and did multiple poses. I only liked seven of them but that’s better than nothing. After I finished I took a deep breath and texted Lin.

Me: hiii

Lin: hi sweetheart, are you alright?

Me: yeah I’m fine, are you busy?

Lin: not really just doing paperwork in my office

Me: ok good because I have a surprise for you

Lin: you do?

Me: mhm

I selected the seven pictures I wanted to send to her. I’m so nervous it’s not like I haven’t sent nudes before but things with Lin are just different.

Me: *attachments have been sent*

I closed my phone and ran off to the kitchen to make myself something to eat so I didn’t have to bother with my phone. I can’t imagine what she’s gonna say, we’ve never sent nudes to each other before. I tried to keep myself distracted in the kitchen for a long time but literally only six minutes have passed! When ten minutes had passed I couldn’t help myself. I had to check my phone! I just had to! I picked up my phone and opened it to Lin’s text.

Lin: you look magnificent

Lin: you truly are a work of art

I fell onto my bed and kicked my feet. I can’t believe she said that. My heart fluttered in my chest.

Me: theres more for you if you come over tonight

Lin: I’ll be there please keep the outfit on

Me: anything for you

Lin: good girl I’ll see you at six

Me: see you then

When she called me a good girl I let out a whimper. I can’t wait till she comes over! I need to make my room look presentable! I started cleaning up. Putting things back to where they need to be, vacuuming, and making my bed. When I finished I ate the food I made and tried to figure out what to cook for Lin, or if we should just order from somewhere after sex. I don’t think I’ll be able to cook when she’s done with me so maybe we’ll just get takeout.

Six o’clock came and I heard a knock at my door. I fixed my hair again then checked my makeup. “Everything is fine.” I mumbled to myself then went to answer the door in my lingerie. I opened it up to see my tall older girlfriend. “I’m glad you could make it.” I said as I let her in. I closed the door behind her. “I wouldn’t miss the opportunity of fucking you in your pretty outfit for anything.” Lin said and pushed me up against the door. I let out a gasp. “You’re so beautiful.” Lin said as she pinned my hands above my head. “Please.” I begged. “Please what?” Lin asked. “Please touch me, I’ve been thinking of you all day.” I said.

“I’ve been thinking of you too.” Lin said then started to kiss my neck. “Lin.” I moaned out. She moved her leg in between my thighs and I immediately started to grind on her. Lin let go of my hands and grabbed at my breast. “Fuck.” I sighed out. “You’re so beautiful.” Lin said and pulled down my baby doll dress. I could feel myself getting more wet. “You’re making a mess all over my thigh baby girl.” Lin said. “Please Lin more. Please.” I begged. “Tell me what you want, baby girl.” Lin said. “I need you.” I whined. “You need me to do what?” Lin asked.

“I need your fingers please.” I begged. “Good girl you have manners.” Lin said. She picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. Lin gently laid me down on the bed then put her bag down on the floor. “Take your panties off.” Lin commanded. I did as told and tossed my panties somewhere across my room. I looked over at Lin and she was stripping off her clothes. I bit my lip as I watched her. She's so beautiful. She had some scars that I know she didn’t like but I thought they were beautiful just because she’s beautiful.

“You like what you see?” Lin asked. “I love what I see.” I said. She smirked at me. “You’re absolutely stunning.” I told her. “So are you baby.” Lin said and leaned down to give me a quick kiss. I smiled and she climbed into the bed. She kissed down my body. “Linny.” I moaned. “My perfect girl.” Lin said as she kissed my thighs. “Please Lin, I need you. No more teasing.” I begged. “Since you said please.” Lin said. Her tongue swiped against my folds and I whimpered. She sucked on my clit and I gripped the bed sheets.

Her fingers slipped inside of me and she slowly pumped them in and out. “More daddy more.” I whined. She pumped her fingers faster and my back arched off the bed. “Lin.” I moaned out her name. She scissored her fingers. “Please don’t stop.” I begged her. Lin removed her mouth from my clit and replaced it with her thumb. “You look so pretty with my fingers inside of you.” Lin said. I pulled her down to kiss me. I need more of her. When Lin pulled away and I whined. She rubbed my clit faster and I arched my back. “So good daddy.” I moaned. “You’ve been waiting for this all day?” Lin asked. “Yes daddy.” I moaned.

Lin removed her fingers from my pussy and put them towards my mouth. I sucked them clean while she started to eat me out again. “Mmm!” I moaned around her finger. Her tongue plunged deep into my walls, licking every inch of me. I gripped her hair. “Fuck!” I cried out. My heart was pounding in my chest. She makes me feel so good. My legs started to shake. “Daddy please don’t stop, please!” I begged. She gently pinched my clit. I let out a yelp then orgasmed. I shook some more and she continued to eat me out. “No more daddy please.” I whined and tried to pull away from her.

Lin pulled away. “You can’t take anymore? I brought my strap.” Lin said. “You should have started off with that.” I told her. Lin chuckled. She got up then grabbed her bag and pulled out her strap. I watched as she put on the harness and I let out a whimper. “Be patient, my pretty girl.” Lin said as she tightened the straps. “I want you daddy.” I said and reached out to her. “I know, baby.” Lin replied as she got back into the bed. I kept my legs spread and she kissed my thighs then rubbed her cock on my slit.

“Daddy.” I whined. She slowly pushed inside of me and my eyes fluttered closed. Once she was all the way inside she slowly pulled out then slammed back in and started at a rough pace. “Mmm fuck!” I cried out. Her lips crashed against mine as she fucked me. I gripped her again and moaned against her lips. Lin’s nails dug into my thighs as she fucked me. “You make me feel so good daddy.” I whined. “You take me so well baby girl, I’m so proud of you.” Lin said. I whimpered. “You’re such a good girl for me aren’t you?” Lin asked.

“Yes daddy! I’m a good girl! I’m your good girl daddy.” I moaned. “Yes you are baby, you’re my good girl. My good fucking slut.” Lin growled. My eyes rolled back as she started going harder. The way she squeezed my throat and fucked me had me trembling. I could barely think. “You look so pretty while I fuck you.” Lin said. “Daddy!” I cried out. “Yes baby girl, what is it hm?” Lin asked mockingly. “Please faster.” I choked. “You want faster? Can you handle it?” Lin asked. “Yes daddy please.” I begged.

She started to pound into me faster and I arched my back off the bed. “Daddy I’m gonna cum.” I croaked. Lin let go of my throat and started to rub my clit. “Cum for me baby, cum all over my cock.” Lin growled. “Daddy I’m so close.” I whimpered. She rubbed my clit faster. “Cum for me.” Lin commanded. “Daddy!” I cried out as I orgasmed for the second time that night. “Good girl.” Lin praised as she fucked me through my orgasm. My body shook. “No more daddy please.” I said. She stopped. “You did such a good job, baby girl.” Lin told me.

“Thank you daddy.” I said. Lin slowly pulled out and I let out a soft sigh. “I love you.” I told her. “I love you too.” Lin said and kissed my cheek. I smiled. Lin left the room then came back with some water. “Here baby.” Lin said. “Thank you.” I said as I sat up and took it. Lin took off her strap then went to the bathroom. I drank the water. I heard Lin start the shower. Lin came out of the bathroom. “Come on baby.” Lin said. “Help.” I held out my arms to her. She came over to me and picked me up. We went into the bathroom then got into the shower. Lin put my shower cap on then washed my body.

I helped her wash her body then we got out and she dried me off. Then dressed me. “What do you want to eat?” Lin asked. “Cake.” I said. “Baby girl no.” Lin said. “Why?” I asked. “Because that’s not good food.” Lin said. “I want cake,” I pouted. “No baby girl.” Lin told me as she was drying off. I folded my arms. “Oh don’t you do that.” Lin said. I turned away. “Do you want pizza?” She asked. “Ok.” I said with a big smile on my face. “Good girl.” Lin said.

[lynzishell]

~*~The Beginning~*~

*knock* *knock* *knock* [keys jangling, fitting into lock] [muffled voices] Aurelio: Thank you for doing this, I really appreciate it.

Aurelio: Phoenix? You here? Phoenix: *muffled* Go away. Aurelio: He’s here, he’s okay. Thank you again!

Aurelio: Hey man, you gave us quite a scare. You okay? Phoenix: …. Aurelio: No, of course you’re not okay. I heard about Greta. I’m so sorry. I know how much you loved her. Phoenix: … Aurelio: Hey. Talk to me. Phoenix: … Aurelio: Come on. You’ll feel better if you sit up and talk about it. Phoenix: …

Aurelio: Alright. I’ll tell you what. If you don’t talk, then I’ll have to sing. Phoenix: … Aurelio: I will sing to you. Phoenix: … Aurelio: Okay.. [clears throat and begins singing] Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow. Phoenix: *groaning* Aurelio: [continues singing] But if we are wise, we know that there’s always tomorrow. Phoenix: Ok Aurelio: [singing louder] Lean on me when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on!

Phoenix: Ok ok I’m up Aurelio: [singing louder still] For it won’t be long, till I’m gonna need somebody to lean on! Phoenix: I said I’m up!

Aurelio: Good… good, now talk to me.

Phoenix: [taking a breath] I fucked up! I fucked everything up! And now everything’s gone to shit. I fucking killed him. Sure, he was a monster, but what am I? I’m a fucking killer now? What am I supposed to do with that? And I lost Greta. Do you know what she said to me? She doesn’t feel safe with me. What the fuck?! I appreciate you all having my back and lying for me… but maybe you shouldn’t have. What do I even do now? I’m alone in this dump of an apartment. I have no job. I only have enough in savings to get through next month. Then what? I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I don’t know who I am anymore, Aurelio.

He didn’t even notice he had started crying until he had to stop to wipe his nose.

Phoenix: FUCK! Why are you here?!

Aurelio: I’m here because I care about you, because you’re my best friend. I know exactly who you are. You are Phoenix fucking Realta. You are smart, resourceful, determined. All the things you moved here for, they’re all still out there waiting for you. And you’re not alone. I’m right here. And I’m not going anywhere. In fact, I got into SMMI. I’m moving into the student housing apartments in the Arts Quarter in a couple months.

Phoenix: Congratulations. Aurelio: Thank you. Look, I know it’s been an awful year so far. Maybe you need someone to talk to, to work through the whole mess, and that’s okay. I've started seeing a therapist, only a couple sessions so far, but it's good. And I think it'd be good for you too, if you're willing. Julian and I will help. Phoenix: Ok. Aurelio: Yeah? Phoenix: Yeah. Aurelio: Good.

Phoenix: Thanks. Aurelio: You’re welcome. Phoenix: … Aurelio: Y’know, we have our whole lives ahead of us. And you are going to do great things. I know it.

Aurelio: This isn’t the end, ok? This is just the beginning.

Prev // Next

Personal story under the cut:

This post is dedicated to two amazing friends I had in high school. At the time, I was suffering from a deep depression, and had stopped speaking (a trauma response that still affects me from time to time). One day my friends pulled me out of bed and took me for a walk to the park on a sunny day. While we were there, they tried to get me to talk to them. But I couldn’t. So, instead, they sang this song to me… at the top of their lungs. And it was amazing. It didn’t solve anything. I didn’t speak for another couple months, and my depression lasted years more. But that moment will forever be a bright spot in a very dark time. To this day, anytime I feel down, I think back to that day and smile. After everything I put Phoenix through this week, I felt like he needed a moment like that… even if it’s super cheesy.

[jsprnt]

Healing Hearts PT. 17 | Virgil van Dijk

Would a fresh start bring you more than just a new job?

A/N: last post of 2023 🥺 happy new year babes! Wishing for 2024 to be your year! Thank you so much for all the love this year <3

WC: 3.136

Summary: Y/N L/N is a very skilled and praised physiotherapist. A certain event pushing her for a fresh start, as a physiotherapist for Liverpool FC. One question always being in the back of her mind: Will she be able to let go of her past and allow herself to experience new things?

"Do you want to go in the same car or?"

I shout from my room, getting ready for the day as Virgil is eating breakfast.

I myself didn't feel particularly hungry, more so because it was the first time we'd go into the training center as a 'known' couple. So, I figured I should at least look good, deciding to take my time on my make up.

"Yeah, we'll come home from the match together then." He answers, as hear I the dishwasher being pulled open. Then hearing his footsteps coming closer.

"What are you doing?" He asks, coming closer to me as I set my face with powder.

"Making sure my art stays in place." I joke, turning back to face him as he sits on the edge of my bed.

"I'm almost done I promise."

I finally grab my lip products, lining my lips meticulously and applying my gloss. Chucking both products into my bag as I stand up.

"Let's go."

I pull on my sneakers, checking myself out in the mirror for a split-second before we finally get into the elevator.

"Who's going to drive? You or me?"

I ask, watching the numbers on the elevator screen go down.

"I'll drive of course." He smiles, showing off his keys.

He holds my hand as we leave my apartment building, as we walk up to his car. Opening the door for me.

He walks around, as I put my seat belt on, getting in himself. Meanwhile, I grab my phone to check my notifications, now minimal since I deleted my social media apps.

"Here." I hear Virgil say, handing his phone to me.

I look at him confused, then looking at the phone screen. A playlist, titled 'red scrubs.'

"What's this?"

I ask, scrolling through, realizing it was full of all my favorite songs. Looking back up at him as he drives with one hand.

"A playlist I've made for you."

A smile forms on my face immediately, my mood getting brighter than earlier.

"You're so cute." I mumble, unable to stop cheesing at his cheesiness. It was very small and childish gesture, but the love it expressed was huge.

I watch him smirk, my hand coming up to squeeze his bicep playfully.

"How'd you even-"

"I wrote the song titles on my phone when you got excited about them."

I smile even harder, looking away for a moment to regain my composure. Then leaning slightly to kiss his cheek in appreciation.

"Let's see if you did a good job then hm?" I say, putting the playlist on shuffle.

"Why am I suddenly getting so nervous? Maybe separate cars was a better idea." I say, wiping my clammy hands on my thighs. My nerves getting the best of me.

I watch Virgil glance at me, his eyebrow raised as he drives up to the training center. Greeting the security nicely, as we drive into the parking lot.

Parking all the way in the back, this was either good or bad. We were about to do the walk of shame and pride at the same time.

He finally turns to me, his bigger hand grabbing mine. His thumb caressing my knuckles softly.

"You're going to be okay."

He assures, leaning to kiss the top of my head.

"It's like we're showing off or something-"

"So? I want to show you off. What is anyone going to do about that?" He asks, gazing into my eyes.

Right, what is anyone going to do?

"We'll go in just like usual okay? Want to hold my hand or no?" He asks, his eyes softening.

I nod only, trying to compose myself fully.

I grab onto Virgil's hand tightly, only squeezing it harder when we step into the building, his thumb still caressing the back of my hand in reassurance.

"Clara!" I exclaim, seeing her look up with a smile as we walk up to her.

She'd long known about us, we couldn't actually hide it from her as she and I hung out often.

"Finally showing your girl off huh?" She asks Virgil, as I give her a side hug.

She glances at me, probably seeing the nerves on my face.

"You'll be fine, I think the guys will love you two together. Be prepared though, you know how they are." She says, squeezing my shoulder.

We walk further into the building, stopping right in front of the stairs and I already hear a low whistle.

"Look! My new favorite lovebirds!" A very cheery Trent says, Dom walking along with him, towards us.

I dread every second it takes for them to walk up to us, frozen smile plastered on my face.

"Don't start." Virgil waves them off, greeting them both with a handshake. Then going in to hug me.

"Are we allowed to hug her now or?" Dom teases, glancing at Virgil before he hugs me.

"How did you guys learn about it?" I mutter, rolling my eyes humorously.

"My Instagram! We aren't going to be the only ones you know." Trent chimes in.

"Well thank you for the mental preparation. I'll leave to my office now. See you guys later?" I say, letting of Virgil's hand.

He looks at me, eyes definitely asking for a kiss. I groan internally, Trent and Dom looking at us like we're a pair of pandas in a zoo.

I plant a quick kiss on his cheekbone, stubble grazing my skin slightly as I make a run for it before I could hear the guys say anything.

Sadly, I do hear a very loud "You know Virg, you've got some pink lip stuff on your cheek."

I walk into the canteen during lunchtime, Clara glued to my hip. Only because I forced her to, for emotional support as I watch eyes linger on me as we both fill up our plates.

"Doctor! Clara here!" I hear, snapping my head to a table, a very enthusiastic Ibou, his hands motioning for us to come over. His laugh undeniably infectious as a smile creeps up to my own face.

"Good afternoon guys." I say, realizing they probably intentionally left a seat next and across from Virgil. I sit next to him as Clara sits across from me.

Virgil automatically looks at me, grabbing my plate out of my hands and putting it down. His arms coming behind me, around my back as he smiles at me.

"Hey." He says, shamelessly placing a kiss on my cheek. Followed by immediate commotion from the table.

Some "aww's" mixed with some "my eyes!" making me laugh.

"Come on guys calm down." Clara says, trying to level out the comments.

"It's not like we didn't know already." I hear Ryan say and I immediately look up at him.

"What do you mean?" I ask, glancing at Virgil for a moment. His hand coming to hold mine underneath the table, resting both our hands on his thigh.

"We've been suspecting you two for like... two weeks or something." Harvey says and I raise a brow at him.

"Someone elaborate, please." I urge, the suspense was killing me.

"We kind of knew something was going on when we heard you went to the Netherlands and Greece game." Cody explains, looking at me.

Really, It was that easy? I had been stressing and fretting for no reason? They kind of knew already? That early?

"Yeah, but we kind of knew since your first day." Trent explains.

"My first day?"

"Yeah, captain had been talking about you in the changing room, like every day from then on."

This slowly started to become my favorite conversation ever. A grin forms on my face, gently squeezing Virgil's hand.

"Really?" I ask Virgil, a caught off guard expression on his face. That was why the guys looked so- giggly and smiley that first week?

"He's going to start blushing now!" I hear, immediately laughing as he did look insanely flustered.

"Right, he said you were 'the most beautiful woman that he’d ever worked with' and 'your smile was-" Virgil puts his hand over Curtis' mouth, stopping him from speaking.

"That's enough. Isn't it?" He mumbles, embarrassed smile on his face.

I tap his thigh, motioning him to stop suffocating Curtis as I lean into his side. His arm reluctantly wrapping around my back again.

"I want to hear more." I beam, looking at Curtis as I finally dug into my food.

"We had bets and everything." Curtis says, smug grin on his face.

"About?"

"Like who said 'I love first' or when you guys got together." Trent explains.

"Ohh, must've been very entertaining for you guys." I say, covering my full mouth with my hand.

Yeah, but it gave me heart palpitations.

"Are you two going to reveal it then? I need to know if I won." Cody chimes in, as he takes a gulp of his water.

I glance at Virgil, smiling at him. The team definitely knew how to entertain themselves with gossip.

"That's for us to know and for you to wonder." He says, pulling me closer into his side.

"You know we've seen scratches on his back and hickies on his neck-"

"Okay- I don't want to hear more actually.”

"I do not like when we draw." I mutter, to no one in particular as I watch the match unfold right in front of my eyes.

So far it was 1-1 against Bournemouth, and at least we had no injuries. I adjust my position in my seat. I sat in the last seat of the first row, looking directly at the position of the ball on the pitch.

I glance at the players behind me, all packed in their black, green embroidered club puffer jackets like me. Virgil sitting in the seat right behind mine.

The rain had been pouring down ever since the start of the match, making me hope that the damn waterproof mascara did its job and stayed on properly. At least my puffer was warm enough.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, looking back to see Virgil. "You okay?" He asks, rubbing his hands on my jacket.

"Yeah, it's just the rain that's annoying and it's cold." I complain, adjusting my zipper.

He extends his hand, giving me his hot pack.

"Here it'll help a little."

"Thank you." I smile, trying to warm up my hands as his hands stay on my shoulders. It was probably the maximum PDA I would allow in front of cameras.

The match finally ends with a 2-1 win for Liverpool, after an absolute banger of a goal from Darwin. Making us the last eight competing for the Carabao Cup.

I immediately run inside, almost slipping due to my wet shoe soles. Trying to avoid any more rain. Then waiting for everyone to pile inside again, a very happy shouting Virgil rushing in.

"You're going to fall." I comment, watching the last few players walk in.

"I fell already." He says, coming closer to me.

"You did? Are you injured?" I say, looking over him concerned. His hands coming to hold my cheek, making me look at him.

"No, I fell for you."

I blank stare at him for a moment, wondering if he really just said the most cheesy, cliché line ever.

"I think I need a moment." I utter, avoiding him as I walk to stand next to Klopp.

"It was a joke, come on." He complains, coming to stand next to me again. Klopp glancing at us with a smile.

"Yeah, a really bad one. Like who says that?"

"Babe? Can you... pick us up?”

She giggles, phone pressed to her ear clumsily. Dim pub lights casting a minimal glow on her face, her earrings glistening as she moves her head.

"Are you drunk love?" He asks, standing up from her living room sofa, and grabbing his car keys.

"A little, got carried away."

She mumbles, laughing at her drunk friend's dance moves.

"Okay send me your location. Can you do that for me?" He asks, walking out of her apartment.

"I think... I can- hold on." she slurs, tapping some familiar buttons. Managing to send her location to him.

"Alright I'll be there in a few. Want to hang up or stay on the phone?" He asks, starting the engine of his car.

"Stay." She answers, drunkenly keeping an eye on Sofia and Clara.

"Okay, want to tell me something that happened?" He says, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Uhm... this girl was wearing like 15 centimeter heels, like how?" She mumbles, leaning forward onto the table tiredly.

"Hm really? How about yours? Do your ankles not hurt?" He asks, humming.

"I'm just sitting down now." She answers.

"Are your friends there? They're okay right?”

"Yeah... they're very happy." She replies, looking at them laugh and chat clumsily.

"That's good, I'm almost there. Don't come outside yeah?"

She hums, her eyes fluttering shut for a moment.

After a few short minutes the tall athlete arrives, peering around to find three girls sit next to each other. Though, his girlfriend seems totally exhausted while her friend are as cheery as ever.

"y/n." He says, running his hands on her back.

She looks up, recognizing him and standing up. Her body immediately leaning against his, molding against it.

"You're okay." He mumbles, barely audible due to music.

"Girls, let's go." He says, watching both Sofia and Clara grab their own bags. His hand going to grab his girlfriend's bag.

"Sofia, can you walk? Or should I call Noah down?" He asks, having dropped off Clara safely already.

"I'm good." She mumbles having sobered up a bit, reaching over to open the car door.

Virgil looks at his girlfriend in the passenger seat, half awake as her head is angled downwards.

He finally gets out of the car, picking up his girlfriend and walking alongside Sofia, up to their level.

He watches Noah open the door, bringing Clara in as he throws a thumbs up to Virgil.

"Thanks lad!" He says, closing the door as Virgil throws out a ‘no problem’.

Virgil finally opens the front door, bringing y/n onto the couch as he goes to wash his hands and grabs a cup of water.

"Here drink some water." He coaxes, bringing the cup to her lipstick smudged lips.

She complies, eyes open by a sliver as she gulps the entire cup down. He leans down, chucking the heels off her feet.

"Okay now let's get you cleaned up." He mumbles, picking her up again.

"I'm going to set you down on the counter. Alright?"

"Mhm."

"Okay this is your cleanser right?"

He says, showing her a white bottle.

He was right.

"No, I can do it myself." She mumbles, getting off the counter.

"Okay, I'll brush my teeth."

He does, stabilizing her when she stared clumsily moving again. Drunkenly applying all sorts of toners and serums.

"You look like glazed donut."

"That's... the point."

"I know. Let's go to bed."

He guides her by the shoulders, placing her on the edge of her bed as he grabs her pajamas.

"No, I can- do it myself." She exclaims, grabbing the change of clothes as she starts tugging on the zipper on her back.

"Let me- help you."

His hands go up to her zipper, zipping it down successfully as she pulls the dress down further.

He grabs the dress, placing it in the laundry basket and returning to her.

She grabs onto the pajama shirt, pulling it over her head easily, his minimal help needed. She grabs the pajama pants, looking up at him.

"See? I can do it all alone. Even when I’m drunk. I'm a genius-"

She tries to say, accidentally tripping, face-first into the bed when trying to step into the pants fully.

He tries to stifle his laughter, knowing she wouldn't appreciate it. Especially in her drunken state.

"Woah- let me help you."

After a struggle and battle with the pajamas they both finally lay down into the bed cozily. His hand cradling her closer.

"My ankles hurt." She complains, soft groan leaving her mouth.

"Want me to massage them?"

"Yes, please."

He shifts in the bed. Rolling the ends of her pants up as he starts to rub and massage her swollen looking ankles.

"Did you dance a lot?" He asks, a soft hum leaving her lips.

"I wish you didn't wear those high heels then."

"They looked good."

"I know, but still."

He looks closer at the back of her ankles, realizing the back of her heels were probably too rough and made her bleed.

"The back of your ankles are bleeding."

"Really?"

"Hold on."

He walks back and forth to the bathroom, grabbing the necessary disinfectant and band-aids.

She winces as the ointment makes contact with the small wound. He quickly places a band-aid on both ankles and patting her leg.

"I'm sorry love. It's over." He says, voice deep and thick with sleep.

"Let's sleep now."

I watch as Curtis and Virgil pretend to be Santa in front of the camera crew. It was the first week of November but I guess the PR team decided to film Christmas videos already.

I was having some food with Clara at the other table as they had walked in with the cameras on. I try to muffle my laughter as they kept pulling out ridiculous presents from their bags.

I finally see them nearing the end of filming, Trent, Robbo, Curtis and Virgil gathered around and flipping through the calendar full of images from different players.

"Doctor come see this, you'll love it."

I hear Robbo say, looking at me as I pop a strawberry into my mouth. I raise my brows, chewing the fruit as I stand up to see what he's talking about.

"What is it?" I ask putting my hands in my pocket, looking him with questioning look.

"Here see for yourself." He says handing me the calendar. I glance at the guys for a moment, opening the calendar to see every month having a new photo of Virgil.

"Oh-" I say, raising my brows as every photo becomes even more questionable.

"You can have it from Santa!" Curtis says, pushing the calendar further into my arms.

"Oh it's-"

"Aw you don't like it?" Trent chimes in, glancing at Virgil.

"Doesn't really fit with the interior of my apartment you know." I tease playing along, though unable to contain my laughter as Robbo bursts out in laughter.

"You're serious?" Virgil say, looking betrayed.

"You know you seem to love it more than me Andy. Besides, I've got the real deal already."

I joke, handing it to him. Winking at the camera for jokes. There's no way it would be used anyway.

[tornapartbythorns]

I'm super into body art and I was looking through scarification posts online. For yall that don't know, scarification is when designs are created on your skin, and said skin is peeled off, to create a scar of that design.

An example:

I found a post on reddit about a woman that had scarification done on her chest, and I noticed that she has double masectomy scars. I was hoping that she had her breasts removed for health reasons, but with this day in age, I can't be sure.

I like body modifications myself. I have facial and cartilage piercings, and I have a tattoo on my chest. But any modification that involves removing/slicing body parts DISGUSTS me. This includes conch removals and tongue splitting, and much more. The reddit post made me start to think that "top surgery" just has to be a trendy extreme body modification for girls and women. Body modifications are undoubtedly more acceptable than ever, and the more extreme forms would most likely gain social traction due to lightened stigma and social media. Top surgery cannot be any different. I've met and been around so many girls and women that crave top surgery. It's really no different from when I was in middle school and all the girls wanted nose piercings, and these girls and women talk about top surgery like it's a piercing as well. Its an impulsive decision, that's no big deal to get done and that there's no care of possible physical complications.

Except a piercing is having a needle shoved through your skin. "Top surgery" is a double masectomy; an entire surgical procedure. A piercing can be removed and the site will heal, and it'll leave a faint scar. But your breasts can never grow back. The hasty and apathetic attitude that girls and women carry about having their body parts removed is frightening. How can you care so little about your body to have your healthy *breasts* willingly and ecstatically removed? And how can it possibly be legal for surgeons to remove healthy tissue for no other reason besides "it makes me feel sad :("? I had severe body dysmorphia when I was in high school. It got so severe to the point that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, so I do understand where these girls are coming from. I wanted plastic surgery done to make me feel better, too.

But trust me, IT WILL NOT HELP. Giving into your insecurities and pain is not going to help alleviate it. These girls and women need strict counseling to figure out exactly *why* they don't want to be female and why they're so eager to have healthy tissue removed. Listening to your mental illness won't make it go away. I can't understand why trans people don't understand that.

[projectokayonsunday]

Crafting Calm: The Mental Health Benefits of Creative Expression

Have you ever wondered if picking up a paintbrush or learning a new craft could be as beneficial for your mental health as a trip to the therapist?

A recent study suggests that arts and crafts can have a significant impact on mental well-being, possibly as much as having a job or meaningful career. But can the simple act of creating art really improve mental health?

The answer is a resounding "yes."

A study from Anglia Ruskin University found that engaging in creative activities such as painting, sewing, or crafting significantly improved participants' life satisfaction and overall well-being. Remarkably, this effect was comparable to the sense of fulfillment that employment offers, especially in boosting feelings of self-worth and reducing loneliness (Frontiers).

This news is particularly relevant in today’s world, where post-pandemic mental health challenges have surged.

As the study points out, arts and crafts are accessible and affordable, making them a potentially powerful public health tool. The results align with broader research showing that creativity can foster mindfulness, allowing individuals to focus on the present and break free from the negative thoughts that often fuel mental health issues (Psychiatry.org).

From a personal perspective, my own experiences mirror these findings. Creating art has been a vital outlet during stressful times, offering a sense of peace and accomplishment that is hard to find elsewhere.

Art therapy, for instance, has shown therapeutic effects for individuals recovering from addiction, fostering mindfulness and self-acceptance (NC Health News). For me, this practice has been a space to reconnect with myself in ways that other activities couldn’t provide.

So, what can we take away from this? Whether you're painting, knitting, or simply doodling, incorporating creative activities into your life might be one of the most accessible ways to improve mental health.

This calls us to action: promote art in schools, workplaces, and communities as a means to better mental well-being.

The results may surprise you, as the science continues to affirm what many artists have known for centuries: art heals.

Check it out for yourself!:

Frontiers in Public Health: Arts and crafts improve your mental health as much as having a job

Psychiatry.org: Creative Arts Enhancing Mental Health and Well-being

NC Health News: The therapeutic power of art in mental health recovery

[jasy0urs]

Asmodeus Imagine 💕💗

"Hypocritical"

A/N: hi again, it's been a while since I last posted, but anyway here's another one. This time, it's an Obey Me! post for Asmodeus. I'll be posting another one soon for Belphegor, but in a narrative style instead of something bulleted. Asmo may be slightly OOC in this depending on how you view his character. I hope you enjoy!

Slight angst || MC (You) is not a minor || Tw: parties, implied alcohol, implied cheating but not really

• You weren't that fond of parties. Like Belphie, you'd rather not get tired, and social interaction quickly sucks the life out of you.

• For some reason, during your stay throughout devildom, you've been particularly close with Asmo.

• He always seemed to make an appearance after classes, offering to walk you home despite Mammon's protests.

• You found out that you liked his energy. It's as if he's that one baddie best friend you never had back in the human world.

• By growing closer together, you also learned alot about one another. How he has an intellectual eye for the arts despite his nature, and how he's not afraid to help bring out the best in you, whether it'd be through regular makeovers or simply encouraging you to get out of your shell.

• You also happened to share the same taste in music as him — well, most of it. You could share to him the latest pop and rap hits from your world and he'd be dancing alongside you.

• Even though you have low self-esteem, Asmo was there to assure you of your worth.

• "What do you mean 'ugly'?" He asked, flabbergasted by your comment. "Darling, you clearly haven't taken a look at the mirror. You are simply adorable!"

• "Cute seems to be a nicer way of saying just average," you muttered, not intending for him to hear, yet he did so. When you looked up, you were surprised to find him with an angry expression.

• "Asmo?"

• "When I tell you you're beautiful, you're supposed to say 'I know!'" He scolded, not hesitating to grab your shoulders and pull you closer. You attempted to get away, but he managed to keep you in place. "Whatever angles you're convinced you look ugly in, I see them as beautiful." His voice was so soft when he said it that it made you feel guilty for having such low confidence in yourself.

• "I'll try to... see myself in a better light."

• You two often have heartfelt moments like these that, honestly, are sometimes suffocating. You were glad to have a friend as close to you as Asmo is, but you were afraid of the implications that brought.

• Was he viewing you in a romantic light, or just as a friend? If it was the latter, it was too close of a friend, you mused.

• Despite your mental debates, you accepted his invitation to go out to a club and party with his friends. You were quite curious about them. Plus, this could be the chance to possibly meet someone.

• He offered to put makeup on you. You accepted it. He secretly bought a dress for you, even! You were shocked and offered to pay him back, yet he was having none of it.

• "Once my eyes landed on this dress, I knew I had to get it for you! You would look absolutely sexy in it!"

• Cue panic at not meeting his expectations. Just smile through the pain, you guessed.

• The moment you two stepped foot into the club, you were swarmed by demons in all directions, most of them drunk. You watched helplessly as Asmo was dragged off to who knows where by his "friends", laughing all the way.

• You silently cursed him for leaving you behind, but you won't let that stop you from having fun.

• You decided to sit on a couch in the corner, away from most of the bodies that attempted to grind you. You didn't want to make a fool out of yourself, so you avoided the dance floor. You wanted to get a drink, though. Too bad your anxiety was preventing you.

• "So you're Asmo's human friend, huh?" A deep voice startled you out of your thoughts.

• You looked up to see a handsome face in a suit. He had crystal clear sunkissed skin and a friendly grin, though his eyes were a bit slanted, causing him to gain a sharp look.

• You flushed at the sight of him, not all that familiar being around beautiful figures. You nodded as a response, though.

• He slid into the couch with you, knees touching yours discretely. You blushed even further at the contact.

• He turned out to be nice. He was in a few classes with Asmo and, as a frequent club goer, has met him through the same means. Even though he spends most of his nights out partying, he still hasn't failed any of his classes. He simply enjoyed the night scene of Devildom more than most folk.

• He winked at you and you scoffed, a playful smile on your face. "You're better academically than Mammon."

• "Wait, really?" His jaw dropped. "I'm more responsible than one of the 7 princes?"

• You two laughed at each other's stories and interests. Overall, it was a really enjoyable experience, and you were mentally thanking Asmo for the invite.

• You didn't know when it happened, but the atmosphere started to turn flirty. You didn't mind. On the contrary, you welcomed the sudden shift, finally able to bust out the cheesy pick up lines you've made over the years. He easily laughed at all of the ones you threw at him, also replying in equally cheesy ones.

• Woah, when did your faces get this close?

• You were nervous and excited at the prospect of finally getting your first kiss. You weren't really a romantic, so a quick and lighthearted first kiss would have been perfect for you.

• When your lips touched, you felt relief. You had fun with him, he seemed interested in you, you tested out the waters, and it ended with a kiss. A nice way to end the evening, if someone was to ask you.

• The kiss turned heated and you were pulled into their lap. You were surprised, but after realizing that he wasn't touching you inappropriately anywhere else, you settled down and kissed him with equal fervor. Your hands wound up in his hair.

• Even though the kiss continued passionately, your energies started to die down, and you two were only kissing lazily. His arm was above your bottom with a thumb stroking your waist.

• It was nice to be kissed, you discovered.

• After a few more minutes of lazy intertwining of tongues, you felt glass shatter behind you and you were roughly pulled off his lap.

• At first you thought: 'Uh oh. He didn't tell me he had a lover.' Before you were turned around forcefully and was met by a furious Asmo. You blinked at him before smiling.

• "Oh, you found me."

• You were forcefully dragged out of the club, leaving behind a new and confused friend. You were stumbling at how fast he was walking. Since you were wearing heels, the speed wasn't that convenient.

• "Wait, Asmo, stop!" You panted, "What's wrong?"

• At that question, he finally stopped. His hand released yours. When you finally got your bearings, you noticed that you were already in front of the House of Lamentation. How fast were you two even walking— no, running?

• "'What's wrong'?" He repeated in a confounded voice. "Are you serious?"

• You were just as confused as he was.

• "Yeah, you suddenly dragged me outside and walked me all the way home. It's still early, right?" You looked around and noted that the night was still young given by the number of demons still milling about on the streets. "You're usually out 'til early morning."

• "You seriously don't know what's wrong?" He turned to look at you with an expression so hurt you didn't know where to begin. You decided to stay quiet.

• He mumbled your name as he fully turned to you. His arms wrapped around himself; he never looked so small until that moment.

• "You were... kissing another demon."

• Cue confusion.

• "Yes, I was? I thought... I thought the whole point was to meet new people."

• His eyes widened at that. You were right, after all. He did invite you out so you could finally get a taste of what Devildom was really like. Instead of you two getting closer that night, you had a taste of something else entirely. Something that he was hypocritical of envying.

• "You..." He started.

• "You could have gotten hurt, or worse!" Excuses, excuses. When will you stop this, Asmodeus?

• You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest.

• "He said he was your friend. He was nice! He even said that he didn't care I was a human. Besides, he told me that no demons were looking to eat me anymore, not with you around as a bodyguard. Anyway, we kissed because I thought I could. That's it."

• Of course Asmodeus knew that. That demon was nice. He was even willing to lend him notes without getting any favors in return. Because he was just that fucking nice. And yet, his stomach churned with acid as he relived the same scene again.

• You, his... his human, with someone else's tongue down your fucking throat as you were held on their lap. Almost lovingly. Like you two had a bout of love at first sight. What a fucking joke.

• He hated it.

• You were getting more concerned by the minute. He was motionless for so long.

• "Asmo—"

• "Am I not good enough for you?" He finally croaked out. His eyes found yours and you flinched at the storm behind them.

• "I've tried so hard to get an ounce of affection back from you, and I still haven't got it. But that... that demon gets to take it a step further? And you allowed it?"

• It clicked. "Wait—"

• "Guess we're more similar than I thought."

• "Asmo, listen. I was just... experimenting—"

• "But why with him? I'm already here. Why can't you see that?"

• "It's not like that! I thought you weren't interested at all. Besides, you're the Avatar of Lust. Hell, you could get anyone you want! So why are you so angry that I—"

• "Because I don't want anyone else!" He shouted. "It stopped being 'everyone else' for me, and it started just being 'you'."

• You were rendered speechless by the sudden confession. Suddenly, everything made sense. You were just too dense to see it.

• "Oh... Oh no, Asmo. I—"

• "I knew I should've worked harder. Was I just not appealing enough? I can change my routine and make a new one, if that would even make a fucking difference. Was my outfit too ugly?" He started spiralling real fast.

• You slapped both of your hands on his face, uncaring if he berates you afterwards for it.

• "Asmo, let me finish!"

• He sniffed as telltale signs of a few tears shined in his eyes. You sighed.

• "Asmo... I swear that kiss wasn't even serious. I thought you'd understand that."

• Was that really the truth? Did you mean it? His thoughts betrayed his own heart.

• 'Then why did you look like you were having the time of your life?' He thought, 'You two looked like a pair of star-crossed lovers in that moment.'

• His sin may be Lust, but he sure as hell would become Envy after watching that distasteful scene.

• You looked so... hungry. He just wished that hunger turned to him, for once.

• "... Asmo, you're not listening." You sighed in frustration at the circumstances you both found yourselves in. In front of your own home, no less.

• Without any other warning, his tears fell on their own. So much for him trying to keep them at bay just because he didn't want to humiliate himself in front of you nor to wake up with bloodshot eyes later.

• Taken aback, you frantically wiped his tears away, cooing and shushing him the entire time.

• It was the first time you've seen someone this beautiful crying.

• "Calm down, okay?" You assured him. "Do you want to go inside and talk in your room?"

• He didn't want to, but at the same time, he knew he needed to hear the whole truth, and to say his own, as well.

• He only nodded, and the both of you made your way inside. Luckily, you brought a jacket just in case it was cold out and/or you felt uncomfortable just being in a dress, so you covered him with it. He would never admit it, but being surrounded by your scent calmed him instantly.

• The two of you rushed to his room without talking to the brothers you've encountered. Thankfully, they didn't pry due to the glare you gave them.

• 'Scary,' Mammon thought as he shuddered, frozen in place after you gave him a death stare.

• Once in the comfort of his room, you sat him down on his bed while you sat next to him. For a while, only silence was exchanged.

• "... I didn't think I would ever get hurt by this," Asmo began. "Especially since this isn't the first time it happened."

• You were startled at this information. "Not your first time? You witnessed other people do this to you too?"

• He shrugged.

• "With them, I wasn't even hurt a bit. In fact, I might have even encouraged them? It's just, I didn't feel anything... Not until you."

• "Oh..."

• "And I may have even done the same thing myself with a few partners before. I would kiss, make out, whatever with other demons, and they wouldn't mind one bit. In turn, I didn't mind, either. Yet why is it, that when it comes to you, I can't handle it?"

• "... Because you're actually serious about me," You finally realized, rubbing a hand down your face as you sighed. Your heart hurts knowing you betrayed him.

• "I'm... so sorry."

• He smiled bitterly at your apology because he knew he didn't really deserve it, not when he's the biggest hypocrite at that moment.

• "And don't even say 'it's okay', because it's not, Asmo," You scolded him before he could even reply. "I was just dense to everything, I guess. I really thought I just amused you, like... your personal makeup doll or something."

• "What? I would never think of you like that–!"

• "I'll admit, I'm not the type to get crushed on easily, so I wouldn't know about someone's romantic intentions towards me unless they actually say it to my face. What happened earlier... I thought I was finally able to 'graduate' from that, I guess you could say? Like, I can finally do something romantic with someone nice, but at the same time, know that commitment isn't needed because I doubt we'd ever see each other again after tonight."

• Asmo was silent.

• "I didn't know that, in the process, I'd hurt someone precious to me, too."

• His ears perked at that. Him? Precious..?

• You made him feel like a priceless gem whenever you're both together. As if he's regained his purity. To think that you felt the same way...

• "I hate this," Asmo suddenly stated, standing up from the bed. "I hate this so much."

• To think that he would ever love someone else more than himself.

• You, afraid that you might have said something wrong, was about to stand up yourself and clarify things, before you were pushed by him to sit back down.

• He glares at you. You gulp.

• Despite his aggressiveness, the way he called out your name was soft as a feather.

• "Do you like me?" He asked point blank. You blinked.

• Then your face turned bright red.

• Did you? You didn't know yourself, but with the current tension and the scrutiny under his intense eyes, you were compelled to say yes.

• So, you did.

• Your lips were then captured by his in the sweetest kiss you've experienced.

• While your friend from earlier tasted like nothing at all, Asmo tasted like a bakery.

• Confectionary of all kinds danced on your tongue to the point of getting a toothache. His tongue swiped at the roof of your mouth, and you shivered at the sensation.

• You thought your first kiss was 'fine'? Well, this time it felt like you were getting a whole michelin star meal.

• You squeezed his shoulders. "Wait–" But he didn't.

• It was as if he wanted to replace the memories of your first kiss with the one he was giving you.

• "Gotta remove... his traces..." He mumbled, pushing you down on his bed and climbing on top of you. "He didn't deserve this... Truly, he didn't." He kept muttering to himself.

• You were at his mercy, notable by the way your drool mixed with his dripped down your chin and your body quivering under his.

• However, you pushed him away forcefully after losing all the air in your lungs, inhaling right after.

• He blinked, the haze of lust disappearing from his eyes and snapping him back to reality.

• Immediately, he fussed over you.

• "I'm so sorry, darling, I didn't know what came over me. I just— I tasted you for the first time and it felt like euphoria that I've never experienced before. Plus, the fact that you said you liked me, I simply couldn't resist!"

• As you panted on his bed and watched him frantically explain himself, you grinned lazily.

• "You're back, Asmo."

• He stopped what he was doing, uncharacteristically blushing.

• He smiled back.

• "I was always here, darling."

• Guess you were both just stupid with your feelings.

[makorays]

Hey, so ik you probably don't remember, but do you recall that anon you answered last August where I said if I ever "went full girlmode," it would be in part thanks to you posting the things you do?

Turns out that wasn't a very cis thing to say. In the process of girling rn, and I still truly believe your online presence was a part of it. You showed me I wasn't alone, and there's a huge confidence boost that comes with realizing you aren't broken, and there are words for what you are.

You don't know me, I don't know you, and there's a 99.9% chance things will stay that way until we both croak, but sincerely, thank you. Please live the rest of your life knowing you positively impacted at least one other person you'll never meet, simply by existing and being you. I will never be able to adequately express my gratitude. You changed my life. I'll never know for sure, but if you didn't make the art you do, I may well have never have figured it out.

I wish you nothing but the best. I hope you wind up making six figures at a job you love that fulfills you without stressing you out too hard. I hope you and Avery move in together and never have to worry about not having a roof over your heads, or food in your fridge, or spare money in the bank for the frivolous bullshit that makes life worth living. I hope the stars align and you're able to get every cosmetic procedure you want done, big and small, with no huge financial burden attached, and I hope that afterwards you're able to look in the mirror and be entirely satisfied with everything about your body. I hope you find love. I hope you find happiness. I hope you're able to figure out and treat every mental and physical illness that ails you (and you are so, so strong to have kept going, kept pushing forward, regardless, even if you shouldn't have had to).

You changed my life. You helped crack my egg. And you made one hell of a Blender tutorial series to boot. You're one of the coolest motherfuckers on the planet, flaws and all, drug abuse and heartbreak and mental illness and all, and I feel I owe you in ways I'll never be equipped to repay.

Never doubt your influence on this world is a positive one. My life is better now, and it's in part because you exist. Now think, how many such cases are there, where they didn't think to write a big frilly ask past midnight, where they just kept living, happier, probably queerer?

Thank you. A million times, thank you.

jeez!!!!!! this is the nicest thing any stranger has ever said to me, thank you! i don't even know what to say other than people like you really give me motivation to keep going with my online stuff. i promise i'll try to be the best version of myself i can be (and actually start making stuff again) so i can hopefully inspire more people to be their true selves.

(also i wouldn't really call my use of drugs "abuse", the closest i've come to that is an over-reliance on weed but i mostly do that to keep myself sane so it's a trade-off)

[mafwaff]

Hello, it’s been a while… I’ve finally climbed outta my hole and am feeling reflective. Allow me to bare my soul for a moment.

2024 had me feeling like a blobfish.

Some of my thoughts about my 2024 art journey and where I want this account to go below the cut

(TL;DR: your gurl gonna be more active and dabbling in spicy art come 2025):

2024 was strange year for me… to keep it short, I rediscovered and reevaluated parts of myself, fell back on bad habits and am in the midst of growing as a person. I feel like my art has mirrored this journey with my own perfectionist tendencies; for the first time in a while, I have hit a space where I’m drawing fully for the joy of it. Maybe because I’ve let some of the perfectionism go, I’m actually noticing positive changes in my art.

Part of my rediscovery was reclaiming that “weird art kid” that I’ve put on the sidelines for a while

I’ve always been terrible with keeping up with social media posting (even back in my DeviantArt days), but I think that stems from how I used to view it in relation to my worth as an artist. Moving forward, I’d like to try using this space as a journal. There will be a lot of shouting into the void and weird rambles and doodles. Feel free to ignore or hang out.

Back to art… I’m really excited about moving back to digital art. I don’t think I’ll ever give up traditional pencil, pen and charcoal , but I found myself hitting a wall with character drawing this year when I was only using a pencil and pen for rendering. I want to explore character creation, colour and maybe get back into making comics.

I’m going through my “weird, ugly art phase” and I’m okay with it. I’m figuring out a lot of things in my drawing. Right now, I’m in the phase where I’m getting lost in the details and am trying to work towards simplifying my lineart. Feel free to enjoy the ride with me.

I’m going to dive back into my OCs (including DnD and player characters) now that I feel like my style has hit a point where my characters look like the way I imagine them in my head. I’m looking forward to introducing you to some of my pencil/paper blorbos.

I’ve been on the fence about it for a while, but life is short. I’m gonna explore some more spicy art this year . I need to practice my anatomy anyway.

Some New Years Resolutions:

Interacting more: thank you for those of you who reached out. I’d like to be better at chatting with y’all on here. Idk... I’m working on it

Posting once a week: that’s the goal at least. Even if it’s WIP, this will help me stay connected instead of crawling back into the hole

The good, the bad and the ugly: I want you to see it all! I’m trying not to be weirdly self conscious this year

Thank you for listening to my yapathon and happy new year! As a gift, here are some old sketches from earlier this year when I fell down a Zenless Zone Zero hole.

Peace out party people!

- mafwaff

[empenvs3000f24]

Unit 10 Blog Post

Describe your personal ethic as you develop as a nature interpreter. What beliefs do you bring? What responsibilities do you have? What approaches are most suitable for you as an individual?

With this being the last blog prompt of the semester I would like to reflect on what this course has taught me, how the content has shaped my view on my responsibilities as a nature interpreter, and how I can move forward and take some of these lessons with me. I honestly just took this course as an elective but have seriously enjoyed the content and interaction with everyone in this class. I think it is difficult to mirror this exact experience outside of this course, of sharing and reading other peoples experiences with nature and how sacred they are to them. Going into this, I never thought I would be given the opportunity to rehash some of my times in nature and have really never thought about how much they actually effected me. 

A belief I currently have, that has taken time to develop, is to keep my mind open to the experiences that nature has to offer. I do not think you have to be in the most aesthetically scenic landscape to see something new and/or interesting. I walk the same loop in Guelph and see different animals, plants, flowers, meet new people, and am a better version of myself afterwards each time. Some of my best memories in nature have happened at unexpected times. For example, I travelled out west to Vancouver this past summer to visit my roommates. We spent time in Whistler, Squamish, Lions Bay, and went to Gambier Island by boat. However, my favourite moment was the little hike we took right before heading to the airport, next to my roommate’s house in her suburban neighbourhood in North Vancouver. I am unsure if it was the way the sun was peeking through the massive trees, the last conversations we were having before the car ride to the airport, or the bittersweet feeling I was experiencing; but there was so much joy in that little mundane walk. Now, from a nature interpreters perspective, my roommate did a great job at telling us the little bits of information concerning our surroundings. She did this via storytelling in correlation to the area we were in, and it made me feel that much more connected to the area she had grown up in. By pointing out certain rocks, trees, and hills, and telling us the silly names of these objects that her classmates came up with, or the little anecdotes she had experienced herself; we all felt like we were there with her when they happened. I think that reflecting on this experience has taught me that interpreting nature for others does not have to be this whole elaborate operation. A memorable lesson of sorts can just feel like friends talking to one another and simply having a good time.

I believe that as a good teacher you have to be an even better learner. In my opinion there is always room for growth and improvement. Growing up, myself, and probably some of you reading this, have had a teacher that was a total rigid stickler. Their lessons felt almost militant and there was no room for error. It gets to a point where the information is being absorbed, but it is almost out of the fear of not being able to make a mistake. My current path is to become a high school biology/visual arts teacher and I hope to have the opposite reaction from my students. While there is value in structure, there is more value in being able to make a mistake and learn from it. I have enjoyed learning the content about learning styles and how we can effectively maximize the information we have in different methods. These militant teachers I previously mentioned, were pretty stuck in their ways of pen to paper, and lacked a lot of diversity in their lessons. I think my responsibility as someone who is teaching learners is to let the learners teach me. I can only understand the impact of the information I am relaying if they show me that they are absorbing it holistically. 

As an individual who is consciously making the effort to learn and grow, I think the approaches most suitable to me might change with time. Currently, I approach learning by asking questions about the content; whether that be to myself or my peers. I think it is very valuable to understand why we are learning this information and why it is important in context. I have a hard time just blatantly understanding theories, statistics, and stories without diving into the purpose of that information. In the example of the Tragedy on the Timiskaming, I had a hard time conceptualizing the reason for the trip in and of itself. Until I read the description and realized that the stereotype of the time period was to make men of the young boys. I would like to approach nature interpretation in the sense that every individual deserves equal opportunity, but every individual learns differently. I think this notion has become present through the blog posts, creating of the children’s podcast and ongoing adult podcast, and my overall learning in this course. 

As we wrap up this semester I have spent my own personal time reflecting on my growth as not only a student, but a person. I feel as though I can tackle other course content more efficiently because of some of the lessons I have learned in this course. I am now better at putting the purpose of a lesson in the context of a bigger picture and I have gained a sense of perspective of the professor or TA that is relaying said content. At this point, I no longer need my teacher to make the content appropriate and conducive to my learning, I can now do that for myself. Like I mentioned earlier, becoming more aware of who I am as a learner has truly made me a better learner; and hopefully a good teacher. Thank you to everyone who has shared personal stories and information, I have learned a lot of interesting facts about Canada and places all around the world! 

[raptorsaurusmelain]

Let me show you... Youtube - chapter 23

I think I want to post it on AO3, is this a good idea ?

Warning : no proof reading, English is not my mother tongue.

Trigger warning : once sentence speak about unaliving themselves.

If you are interested in reading this fic, the tag "#twst lmsyy" will give you all the chapters.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

The woman didn’t understand the sentence really well. She turned her head. No one. [Strange… I was sure someone was there.]

Victoria looked at Crewel with her eyes full of questions. “Did you speak to me ?”

Crewel patted her head. “No. Hearing voices ?”

Victoria frowned. “... Maybe.”

Like magic, she received a text. about the painting. She smiled “I am sorry, I gotta go. Thank you for spending all this time with me.”

The man coveted her. He feathered the back of her hand with his mouth. “No big deals, it was wonderful to spend all this time with such a beautiful woman.”

Victoria reddened. “Thank you for the compliment… Goodbye.”

She flew to the art room. She was panting by the time she arrived. “I am here for the painting !”

A teenage boy greeted her. “Hello, I am the painter ! Nice to meet you.”

Victoria looked at him from head to toe. He seemed near a good burn out. They had the same dark circles and pasty white complexion, indicating the unhealthy lifestyle they lived. They even had the same fake smile plastered on their face. Damn it was like looking at a gender bending mirror.

The boy spoke first “Mh, about the canvas… Do you really want to buy it ? It is a depressing one… Ladies normally prefer bright paintings with flowers and cute animals on them…”

Victoria nodded. “No, I want this one. It is really a melting pot of raw emotions, I like it. It reminds me of myself.”

He seemed troubled. “Oh… Ok… Then for the price..”

They discussed the price. Once she gave him the money -after insisting to pay him rightfully- she asked. “This painting feels like something you already experienced. Is it you ? Or someone you know ?”

The boy had a faint smile. “I am the one in this painting…”

Victoria felt tears coming out. “You know… If you have help, everything will get better. I know it for sure.”

The poor teenager squeezed her hand before she went away. “Thank you..”

She turned around with her new addition when she heard a faint whisper. “Whore.”

She turned her head as fast as a human could to see who was speaking. No one again. [I don’t like this at all.]

When she was in the corridor she was stopped by a voice she knew. “Mrs Devi ? What are you doing here ? You should be watching the games.”

She smiled facing the man. “I could tell you the same professor Trein.”

He coughed. “I was merely patrolling inside the school.”

The cat in his arms meowed. He added/ “What do you have here ? A painting ?”

She nodded and showed him. “Indeed ! A fellow student made it. I think he has a lot of talent, the emotions are so raw. I love it.”

Lucius seemed intrigued by the canvas. He sniffed it. Trein frowned. “It is… an unusual taste in painting.”

Victoria shrugged. “Well you need a little bit of everything to make a world… I don’t critique people’s taste in food, don’t critique my taste in paint.”

The duo was stunned by her comeback. “I am not criticizing your taste, I just find it original.”

Victoria, deadpan, looked at him. “‘Original’ often means ugly. Like when we say that a hat is ‘original’ when it is just plain old ugly. In short, I have a painting and I am going to hang it, if you excuse me. Humpf!”

Trein was left speechless. Lucius meowed. Trein asked the cat. “What do you mean I screw things up ?”

Victoria came back quickly to the dorm to hang her painting in her bedroom -after watching a quick tutorial on how to hang a frame on old wood wall-. No one had good taste in paintings here. She could spend hours looking at it without getting tired of it.

She heard noises then a good “Victoria we are hoooome.”

The woman welcomed the duo. “Hello dearies ! How were the games ? I filmed your game of course !”

Yuu became shy while Grim boasted confidence. “Nya ha ha !!! We were awesome, no ?”

Victoria applauded, smiling. “Of course ! Everyone has witnessed the great Grim in action !”

Grim continued to laugh. This time it was Yuu’s time to speak. “You… Aren't you going to ask us about what happened before the match ?”

Victoria looked at the Child and asked. “Do you want to speak about it ?”

Tears filled Yuu’s eyes. The woman guided the Child to the sofa and Grim said. “You are a cry baby, subordinate !”

Victoria clicked her tongue. “Shh Grim if you want tuna later.”

Grim shut his trap and Yuu began to speak. The fear they had when Ruggie was hurt, the disaster it was to escape the attacks,... They had a lot to unpack, like last time.

She let them cry all they needed. It was to a point they fell asleep on the couch. Victoria covered them with a duvet before preparing dinner. She made tuna mayo onigiri for everyone and left a plate covered with cellophane on the table. She wrote ‘For Yuu <3’ in her best penmanship.

She was in a dire need of sleep.

Tag : @boba-tea-fish @hipsterteller

[a-muscle-the-size-of-your-fist]

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Your Heart Is A Muscle The Size Of Your Fist; So Keep On Lovin'; Keep On Fightin' (𝔸𝕝𝕝 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

I Heard A Scream In The Woods Somewhere (𝔹𝕝𝕒𝕚𝕣 𝕎𝕚𝕥𝕔𝕙 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

Some People Are Just Born With Tragedy In Their Blood (𝔽𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕝 𝔻𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

There Are Devils To Slay And Dragons To Ride; If They See You Coming; Hell They Better Hide (𝕀𝕟𝕤𝕚𝕕𝕚𝕠𝕦𝕤 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

Everyone Was Stoked; It Was Like The Whole School Was Totally Coked Or Something (𝕃𝕠𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕡𝕠𝕡 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕚𝕟𝕤𝕒𝕨 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

We Twist In Torment And Make-Believe; There's A Truth And We All Submit (ℙ𝕠𝕡𝕡𝕪 ℙ𝕝𝕒𝕪𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

I Never Thought I'd Live To See The Dead Walk (ℝ𝕖𝕤𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕟𝕥 𝔼𝕧𝕚𝕝 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

So How Did You Learn To Be Sick; So Cunning? It's Easy To Sing But You Just Keep On Humming Along (𝕊𝕒𝕨 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

Serial Killers Know How To Party (𝕊ℍℝ𝕆𝕆𝕄𝕊 𝕄𝕌𝕊𝔼𝕊)

Don't Make A Sound; They're Not Dead; Just Sleeping (𝕊𝕚𝕝𝕖𝕟𝕥 ℍ𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

Why Must I Digest You When Every Single Bite I Take Gives Me Chronic Stomach Ache? (𝕋𝕖𝕩𝕒𝕤 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕚𝕟𝕤𝕒𝕨 𝕄𝕒𝕤𝕤𝕒𝕔𝕣𝕖 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

Mirror My Melody; Transfer My Tragedy; Got A Curse I Cannot Lift (𝕋𝕙𝕖 ℚ𝕦𝕒𝕣𝕣𝕪 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

I Can Be the Monster; I Can Be The Teeth Sunk In Your Skin (𝕌𝕟𝕥𝕚𝕝 𝔻𝕒𝕨𝕟 𝕄𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕤)

CHARACTER TAGS - SINGLES

I'm Not A Good Person Ask Anyone Who Knows Me; I'm Mean And Bitter And A Failure (𝔸𝕕𝕒𝕞)

And When She Walks All The Wind Blows And The Angels Sing (𝔸𝕤𝕙𝕝𝕖𝕪)

I Want To Ride My Bicycle I Want To Ride My Bike (𝔹𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕪)

I Will Battle For The Sun And I Won’t Stop Until I’m Done (𝔹𝕠𝕓𝕓𝕪)

It Skulks Around In The Shadows Watching Me; It's Waiting! It's Torturing Me By Waiting! (ℂ𝕒𝕥ℕ𝕒𝕡)

I Might Be The Villain In Somebody Else's Story But That's Fine (ℂ𝕖𝕔𝕚𝕝𝕚𝕒)

Kill Me I’m A Monster I Beg You Now ‘Cause I’m Not A Killer (ℂℍ𝕒𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕥𝕥)

Hey There; I Know It's Hard To Feel Like I Don't Care At All (ℂ𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕝)

My Life Is Like A Video Game Trying Hard To Beat The Stage (ℂ𝕙𝕣𝕚𝕤)

Fingers Blistered From The Nightly Scratching At The Window Which Won't Open Far Enough To Let Air In (ℂ𝕝𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕪)

I'm Beginning To Lull Myself Into A False Security 'Cause It's Easier To Lie To Yourself Than To Face Reality (𝔻𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕕)

Do You Feel Okay? You Look Pretty Low; Very Handsome Awkward (𝔻𝕪𝕝𝕒𝕟)

I'm Not A Girl I'm A Swarm Of Bees; Wrapped In A Skin Suit; Perfect Teeth (𝔼𝕕𝕚𝕥𝕙)

And Everyone Tells You You’re Better; They Beg And Plead And Scream That You’re Better; But You Could Never Be Better Than You (𝔼𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕤)

I Can Hold The Weight Of Worlds If That's What You Need; Be Your Everything (𝔼𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕟)

Mr. Cellophane Should Have Been My Name 'Cause You Can Look Right Through Me; Walk Right By Me; And Never Know I'm There (𝔽𝕠𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣)

I'm Fired Up And Tired Of The Way That Things Have Been (𝔽𝕠𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣 & 𝕃𝕚𝕡𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕜)

Why Are People Always Hating On Me? Hmm Must Be ‘Cause I’m Really Good Looking (𝔽𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕜𝕚𝕖)

They Won’t Like What I Say I Force It Out Too Corrupt They Hate Me Anyway (𝕀𝕒𝕟)

Don’t Let Me In With No Intention To Keep Me; Jesus Christ; Don't Be Kind To Me; Honey Don't Feed Me; I Will Come Back (𝕁𝕒𝕔𝕠𝕓)

Oh; He's Sweet But A Psycho; A Little Bit Psycho (𝕁𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕤)

I'm Bigger Than My Body; I'm Colder Than This Home; I'm Meaner Than My Demons; I'm Bigger Than These Bones (𝕁𝕖𝕤𝕤)

Game Face On; Hit The Pose Like Perfect! Smack My Face On The Pavement; Nurses! (𝕁𝕦𝕝𝕚𝕖𝕥)

And Then My Eyes Got Used To The Darkness And Everyone That I Knew Was Lost And So Long Forgotten (𝕃𝕒𝕟𝕖)

The Rhythm Of Rebellion From The Rattle In Your Bones; A Sonic Liberation; Salvation In Your Headphones (𝕃𝕒𝕣𝕜)

Tiptoe Through The Window; By The Window That Is Where I'll Be; Come Tiptoe Through The Tulips With Me (𝕃𝕚𝕡𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕜)

You Look At Me But You Don't See; Understand I'm A Sinner; Don't Corner Me; Don't Lecture Me (𝕃𝕠𝕘𝕒𝕟)

You're Looking Good But You're Feeling The Pressure (𝕃𝕦𝕚𝕤)

The Tide Is Rising High; It's Sink Or Swim; It's Hit Or Miss; What Will You Pick? (𝕃𝕪𝕟𝕟)

I Cut My Tongue On The Rust Of A Silver Spoon (𝕄𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕔𝕜)

When My Time Comes Around Lay Me Gently In The Cold Dark Earth; No Grave Can Hold My Body Down (𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕥)

I Never Knew You Could Hold Moonlight In Your Hands Until The Night I Held You (𝕄𝕒𝕩)

He Was In The Habit Of Taking Things For Granted; Granted There Wasn't Much For Him To Take (𝕄𝕚𝕜𝕖)

I've Had To Work Much Harder Than This For Something I Want; Don't Try To Resist Me (𝕄𝕠𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕦)

Staying Up Until The Morning I Wish I Was More Discerning (𝕆𝕝𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕒)

What Doesn't Kill You Will Make You A Killer (ℙ𝕖𝕥𝕖)

Of Course I Get Manic When I Cause A Panic (ℙ𝕖𝕥𝕖𝕣)

In The Valley Of The Dolls We Sleep; Got A Hole Inside Of Me (ℙ𝕠𝕡𝕡𝕪)

Oh My Yeah I Get So High I Can’t Think Sometimes I Try And Drown In My Drink (ℝ𝕠𝕣𝕪)

If I Wasn't A Narcissist I Wouldn't Like Me Either (𝕊𝕔𝕠𝕥𝕥)

I Hope I Become A Ghost And Make Sure The Future Turns Out Fine (𝕊𝕡𝕖𝕔𝕤)

You Take A Mortal Man And Put Him In Control; Watch Him Become A God! Watch People's Heads A-Roll! (𝕊𝕨𝕒𝕟)

You'll Learn Right Now I Don't Play Nice And If You Hurt Me Once I'll Kill You Twice (𝕋𝕒𝕣𝕒)

Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby; Nothing’s Gonna Take You From My Side (𝕋𝕣𝕒𝕧𝕚𝕤)

I Feel So Bad I Got A Worried Mind; I'm So Lonesome All The Time (ℤ𝕠𝕖)

PET TAGS

If You Want Me To Wait I Will Wait For You; If You Tell Me To Stay I Would Stay Right Through (𝔹𝕦𝕝𝕝𝕖𝕥)

I Guess I'm Waiting For Nightfall Or A Solar Eclipse (𝔻𝕦𝕜𝕖)

Here Come The Wolves; They're Coming To Get You (𝕎𝕠𝕝𝕗𝕚𝕖)

VERSE TAGS

V: Don't Scream Your Story's Marred With Bad Intentions - Main Verse - Canon events have happened unless previously discussed. Dead muses can be interacted with as ghosts/zombies or in flashbacks. Note: Adam is dead for this AU.

V: Just Let The Sun In; It's Love! - Everything Is Fine And Nothing Hurts Verse - No canon events have happened. Typically a modern AU unless there's a specified time period in the media.

V: Everything Is Alright; Yeah Tell Me That You're Alright - Post-Canon Fix-It Verse - All canon events happened but Something happened to rewind things. All dead characters are alive again and are okay. They have scars from their deaths, however.

V: Smile For The Camera But Don't Flash Your Teeth - Werepire Verse 1 - Please see muse list for Werepire species of each muse - A verse in which supernatural creatures are real and people know about them. They are integrated into society like normal people for the most part.

V: I Could Be Honest; I Could Be Human; I Could Become The Silver Bullet In Your Head - Werepire Verse 2 - Please see muse list for Werepire species of each muse - A verse in which supernatural creatures are real and they are not widely known by the general public. They must hide themselves and present human as much as they can, and many do by means of magic.

V: The Smell Of Flowers Was So Thick And Sickly Sweet I Felt Like I Might Choke To Death - Hanahaki Verse - Please see muse list for the flowers that they cough up in the verse. UNDER CONSTRUCTION - A verse in which unrequited love leads to the coughing up of flower petals. It can be fatal if the infected person does not get the surgery to remove them or confess and have those feelings returned.

Blair Witch Verses

V: And Everybody Says They Know Better; And Maybe They’re Right - Non-Blair Witch AU - Ellis didn’t go to the forest to look for Peter because Bullet got sick after stealing a piece of pizza with onion on it. He made it because Ellis took him to the vet immediately, but he missed going to the search party. Lane and Talia never went with the group to the woods because of Lane's father interfering and making them late.

V: I Still Felt Real Depressed But I've Got Plenty Of Other Things To Spend My Time - Fix-It AU - Ellis reasons with the witch and manages to undo a lot of the damage to those he cared about. As long as they remain in Black Hills Forest, he is allowed to have Emmett and Carver around. He spends a lot of time with them and calls Jess whenever he has a signal. Lane does not become possessed due to Ellis' relationship to the Witch. She takes pity on him, but cannot let him go, so he remains with Ellis and the others.

V: Sometimes The Short End Of The Stick Is The Sharpest - Becoming Carver AU - Ellis destroyed all of the witch's sigils and eventually became Carver. He is a gentler Carver and is still depressed and guilty. He hates what he's done and craves death much of the time. All he wants is his freedom.

V: Hey Would It Be So Bad If I Stayed? I'm Just A Ghost Out Of His Grave - Ghost!Ellis AU - As a ghost, Ellis haunts the woods and the surrounding area. He is joined by the other dead in the forest and is often subjected to the witch's desires and whims. He spends a lot of time with her and the other ghosts in the forest.

Final Destination Verses

Insidious Verses

Resident Evil Verses

V: I Wanna Start From The Top Maybe Like A Do-Over - Patch Notes AU - Post-canon Fix-It AU. Nobody stayed dead, nothing hurts, and everything is fine.

Saw Verses

Silent Hill Verses

The Quarry Verses

Until Dawn Verses

V: Can You Forgive Me All These Things That I Have Done? What's It Like To Be Two Times Martyred? - Hunter Verse - Post-Canon Supernatural Hunter Verse. All muses are available to become hunters of the monsters that terrorized them or all supernatural creatures.

EVENT TAGS

None At This Time

ON-BLOG & TAGS

I'll Build A New House In Every Town I Pass Maybe Then I Won't Always Feel Lost And Trapped (Adam & Peter)

All You Need Is Just Some Good Fxcking Music You Can Headbang To (Adam & Scott)

A Woman's Voice; I Quickly Ran; Into The Trees With Empty Hands (Ellis & Lane)

I Am Aware That You Are All Assholes; Who The Hell Cares About All Of That Though? (Lark & Scott)

And He Tells Me He's Sick And He's All Alone (Logan & David)

Me Without You Ain't Right (Mike & Jess)

ON-BLOG SHIP TAGS

We Creep About The Floor To Indulge Like Rats (Adam ♡ Lark)

A Mí Ne Gusta Que Me Digan Poesía; Al Oído Por La Noche Cuando Hacemos Groserías (Ashley ♡ Luis)

Eres Una Obra De Arte; Con Solo Mirarte; Algo Que Da Paz (Luis ♡ Ashley)

He Doesn't Know What He Deserves But He Still Falls So Hard It Hurts (David ♡ Logan)

You're A Lesson That I Wish I'd Never Learned So Well (Lark ♡ Scott)

I Shouldn't Have Fallen In Love; Look What It Made Me Become (Logan ♡ David)

I Just Wanna Feel Alive And I Do When I’m With You (Mike ♡ Jess)

Combat Baby; Come Back Baby; Fight Off The Lethargy; Don't Go Quietly (Scott ♡ Adam)

I'm Too Sweet To Be Salty About It; Too Sour To Be Happy Without It (Scott ♡ Lark)

& TAGS (SPECIFIC)

& Tags With @lovely-cadavers

Frown Gets Her Way Like Every Step To The Daylight Keeps You Stumbling On (Ashley & Leon - lovely-cadavers)

Have You Ever Been Close To Tragedy Or Been Close To Folks Who Have? (Clancy & Jack - lovely-cadavers)

I've Never Had To Knock On Wood; But I Know Someone Who Has; Which Makes Me Wonder If I Could (Clancy & Lucas - lovely-cadavers)

I Got These Terrible Dreams Where I Do Terrible Things; I Don't Want To Believe It's You I Am Doing Them To (Ethan & Jack - lovely-cadavers)

Oh; Now You Are A Handful; I Forgot About Handfuls (Ethan & Karl - lovely-cadavers)

I Got The Devil In The Details And He's Gonna Teach Me Wrong From Right (Ethan & Lucas - lovely-cadavers)

I Just Wanted To Protect You; But Now I'll Never Get To (Ethan & Rose - lovely-cadavers)

Come Back To Me A While; Change Your Taste In Men (Luis & Leon - lovely-cadavers)

Say What You Want And What You Want Is Behind Your Teeth (Moreau & Alcina - lovely-cadavers)

They Tell Me That You're Lonely; It's No Surprise When You Walk Around All Day Wearing Those Lonely Eyes (Moreau & Donna - lovely-cadavers)

I'll Be Just Fine Pretending I'm Not; I'm Far From Lonely And It's All That I've Got (Moreau & Karl - lovely-cadavers)

Stronger Folks You Could Not Find; They Ain't Afraid To Speak Their Minds (Zoe & Jack)

'Cause At Night; The Sun In Retreat; Made The Skyline Look Like Crooked Teeth (Zoe & Lucas - lovely-cadavers)

& Tags With @inthepines-inthepines

Can't You See Me? You And I We Are The Same (Ellis & Carver - inthepines-inthepines)

But On The One Day They Close Early; That's The One You Want To Stay (Ellis & Emmett - inthepines-inthepines)

But Please Don't Give Up Dear Walls; Don't Let The Ceiling Fall (Ellis & Jess - inthepines-inthepines)

& Tags With @but-ive-been-called-worse

It Feels Like We're Dying But Baby We're Doing Just Fine (Adam & Amanda - but-ive-been-called-worse)

You'll Never Hear This Song; You'll Never See The Movie In My Head (Adam & Lawrence - but-ive-been-called-worse)

Forget Everything You Think You Knew Of Who I Used To Be I Look Much Better As The Enemy (Cecilia & Amanda - but-ive-been-called-worse)

Pretty Boy Don't Speak; You Pretty Boys Are Only Good For One Thing (Mallick & Brit - but-ive-been-called-worse)

Float Like A Butterfly Sting Like A Killer (Peter & Amanda - but-ive-been-called-worse)

The Saint Charade Is Over Plastic Royalty Exposed (Peter & Lawrence - but-ive-been-called-worse)

People Like You Are Why People Like Me Exist (Peter & Mark - but-ive-been-called-worse)

You're Something To Die For But Don't Hold Your Breath Now; You're Just Killing Time (Peter & Lindsey - but-ive-been-called-worse)

& Tags With [Placeholder]

Here We Are Just About The Same; Foggy Little Feline; Drowsy Little Dog (CatNap & DogDay - Placeholder)

& Tags With @21xpickup

I Died So I Could Have You; I Died So I Could Haunt You (Clancy & Lucas - 21xpickup)

I've Got Friends In All The Right Places; I Know What They Want And I Know They Don't Want Me To Stay (Ethan & Lucas - 21xpickup)

They're Hiding Their Faces; Their Smiles Can Break The Heart In Two (Zoe & Lucas - 21xpickup)

& Tags With @emilesmuseassembly

Don't You Want To Get Matching Necklaces? Each Of Us Can Wear One Half Of The Heart (Jess & Matt - emilesmuseassembly)

The Only Thing Constant Was The Constant Reminder He'd Never Change (Mike & Matt - emilesmuseassembly)

& Tags With @trapped-twins

Don't Look So Down And Out; Built Your House You Burned It Down (Logan & David - trapped-twins)

Everybody Said Uh-Oh; Let's Go; Here Comes Trouble But Trouble Does Come In Threes (Specs & Adam & David)

What If There's Nothing More To Me? I'm Just Skin And Bones; There's No Mystery? (Specs & Adam - trapped-twins)

The Bright Ideas Always Get Lost Along The Way (Specs & David - trapped-twins)

& Tags With @wr4th-of-the-gods

All You Need Is Just Some Good Fucking Music You Can Headbang To (Adam & Scott - wr4th-of-the-gods)

Stay Right Here; We Can Change Our Plight; Storming Through This Despite What's Right (Chell & Stacy - wr4th-of-the-gods)

& Tags With @homelander-rp-blog

You Got A Reaction Didn't You? You Took A White Orchid Turned It Blue (Clancy & Homelander - homelander-rp-blog)

They Cannot Steal The Light That Shines From Who You Once Were (Ethan & Homelander - homelander-rp-blog)

& Tags With @thxwxlf

I'mma Shake You Off Though; Get Up On That Horse And Ride Into The Sunset; Look Back With No Remorse (Bobby & Kekipi - thxwxlf)

I've Got An Animal Inside Of Me; I'm Getting Sick Sick Sick Of Pushing It Down (CHackett & Kekipi - thxwxlf)

& Tags With @suniside-crossing

Don't Be Scared My Friend; Death Is A Beginning Not An End (CatNap & DogDay - suniside-crossing)

& Tags With @riggedtraps

Put Your Fist Up If You Wanna Do Something; Make Your Mind Up If You Wanna Do Something (Logan & Amanda - riggedtraps)

& Tags With @dollhidden

Strutting Through The City; Her Heart Has Got No Pity For You (Ethan & Alcina - dollhidden)

Tragedy Comes In Threes; Third Degree Apathy (Ethan & Bela - dollhidden)

I Need You To Hurt Me; I Need You To Fight Me; I Need You To Kill Me; I Need You To Destroy Me (Ethan & Cassandra - dollhidden)

It's Not That I'm So Unprepared; It's Just You'd Think I'd Grow Out Of This; Wouldn't You? (Ethan & Daniela - dollhidden)

& Tags With @twinklefairy-dust

Is It Wrong There's A Song That Is Called Barracuda? There Is None That Is Named After You! (Moreau & Jazmin - twinklefairy-dust)

& Tags With @mountaindmned

You Don't Have Long; I Can Feel You Feel Strong; But You Don't Bow To Kings Or Anybody (Chris & Jack - Mountaindmned)

& Tags With @fromgallowsandgraves

I've Played With Chance Like You; I Loved To Toy With Fate But Oh; I Didn't Have A Clue (Peter & Adam - fromgallowsandgraves)

& Tags With @hopeturned

It Haunts Me When You Taunt Me Into Darkness It Haunts Me So (Foster & Lipstick & Josh - hopeturned)

SHIPPING TAGS (SPECIFIC)

Ship Tags With @lovely-cadavers

'Cause I'm In Too Deep And I'm Trying To Keep Up Above In My Head Instead Of Going Under (Clancy ♡ Lucas - lovely-cadavers)

If You Rise Again Take A Form I Know (Ethan ♡ Jack - lovely-cadavers)

Baby; No One's Honest Anymore But We Could Be Different (Ethan ♡ Karl - lovely-cadavers)

No Te Vayas Quédate (Luis ♡ Leon - lovely-cadavers)

Ship Tags With @inthepines-inthepines

Somebody Somewhere Will Clean Out Your Wounds With Dirty Fingers (Ellis ♡ Carver - inthepines-inthepines)

If You Need A Little Sunshine You Can Borrow Some Of Mine (Ellis ♡ Emmett - inthepines-inthepines)

Seems Like We've Waited Long Enough For Someone Else To Make Us Feel Complete (Ellis ♡ Jess - inthepines-inthepines)

Ship Tags With @but-ive-been-called-worse

I Need Love So Someone Bring Me A Photographer (Adam ♡ Lawrence - but-ive-been-called-worse)

'Cause When I Mess Up You Never Give Up Your Love; Yeah I'm A Fuck-Up But You Swear I'm Enough (Mallick ♡ Brit - but-ive-been-called-worse)

I'll Fill The Graveyards Until I Have You (Peter ♡ Mark - but-ive-been-called-worse)

Shipping Tags With [Placeholder]

I'm Daydreamin' With My Chin In The Palm Of My Hands; About You And Only You (CatNap ♡ DogDay - placeholder)

Ship Tags With @trapped-twins

I'll Be Your Lucky Star If You Promise That You'll Never Let Me Go (Logan ♡ David - trapped-twins)

Ship Tags With @suniside-crossing

I've Grown A Mouth So Sharp And Cruel; It's All That I Can Give To You My Dear (CatNap ♡ DogDay - suniside-crossing)

[transienturl]

I have this thing—it hasn't been real to me for years, but it still crosses my mind plenty—where I can sort of make myself feel better about circumstances by imagining an alternate universe version of me who's thinking, like, "you know, I would honestly rather have [the circumstance in question] than what's currently happening, which it could have if only things had gone slightly differently." And if that sounds plausible, then, like, hey, this could reasonably be one of the best possible outcomes, right? Not saying it is, but it isn't impossible.

Hmm, I think that explanation is missing something, which is that like... often it's a thing where you can't know? which way would have been better? And so the concept of justifying it—okay nope that explanation isn't working.

I guess it's a litany against getting too bogged down in, like, regret, you know? In wondering what else could have happened. It's saying, eh, maybe the version of myself with a time machine goes back and tries that path and having experienced both goes you know what, the original path was the way to go. As long as I can imagine that, then I don't really know this path is worse, yeah? So it's not an unequivocal mistake, an unequivocal missed opportunity. It's just a thing that happened, in the end.

(And I guess when I say it hasn't been real for me for years is that, I guess, I don't have to be able to imagine it like that, anymore, to be able to just say, well, it is what it is, and not really get caught in that emotion at all, the one I'm not specifically describing that this is against. But it's still a way to look at things, sometimes a fun one.)

That's basically the whole post; I just think it's interesting to talk about, I wonder if other people think like that, etc. But the context I thought of it in, in this case, if you're curious, is like, sometimes I wish I was a dancer. I could imagine that being something I'd really enjoy. But then also I could imagine hating it for so many reasons. And it would tie into a lot of other stuff interestingly, like, I don't spend any of my time looking into mirrors in this reality, but who would I be if I did, would I want to be pretty, you know. Would I be transfeminine, say. And relatedly, would I be happier if I were, or would I be doing this exercise in the opposite direction, going, man, this whole using-your-body-as-an-art-medium thing made me care about something I'd rather not spend energy caring about, I wonder if I'd be happier being [who I am now but with a job] tbh. And of course the same thing goes with being afab, obviously, I've mentioned this before, I could so easily see girl-me going, ugh, sure I like some things about this but I'm a hipster at heart, I don't want to do things because I'm expected to due to something I never chose, I'd rather be the token whatever who hangs with the girls club than be a part of it, I think. 

And so it goes. We don't know, y'know? Which isn't to say you don't learn anything from thinking about it, it's not like I want to stop. I just had to learn not to be paralyzed by it, to be devastated by it. I've got other stuff to do that about, don't you worry.