#me personally i have trouble talking about myself. like i do not share things openly at all

[autumnoakes]

"why don't you correct people more when they use the wrong pronouns for you?" because that would mean outing myself. full stop.

i do not feel comfortable enough with my identity and in my community to be entirely, 100%, out to people i barely even know. it takes a lot of vulnerability for me to stop and correct someone i've only spoken to in a classroom or professional setting and go "actually, i'm not a woman and my pronouns are they/them." much less constantly remind people about it. yes, i do put my pronouns wherever i can, and the people who i do feel comfortable around know and respect my pronouns and identity, but not everyone does.

also, there isn't always a place for me to share my pronouns judgement free. a lot of the time, if i want to, i have to voluntarily out myself. which is not something i'm always up to doing.

[spicyicetea]

So I got the new Pokemon DLC for Christmas and I’m on a big Pokemon kick currently so I’m going to give a gift to my fellow Pokémon lovers. Now I’m more well known for Yandere work but I also do love doing more soft romantic stuff. It heals my traumatised self. So I’ve decided to go through all Pokémon games I’ve played and write romantic and yandere sfw+slight Nsfw headcannons for every character I personally like. [No DLC content because I haven’t played any of them yet]. If there are any characters I haven’t done that anyone wants, either comment or request and I can add it onto this post. Merry late Christmas!

As mentioned before, these posts will contain NSFW topics like violence and sexual references, so if you’re triggered by these topic please be careful. The reader in this is also a Fem reader, I can redo this post for a Masc or GN reader if wanted but I’m writing it as Fem currently is just easiest for me. I don’t describe appearance like skin colour or hair but I do write the Y/N with a curvy figure in mind (I can’t help myself, I love thick thighs IM SORRY-)

Kanto

Red

Ah the original silent protagonist. I love this man so much, even more after his cameo is Sun and Moon. I’m not sure what it is about him but he has this strange allure to him, although I doubt that’s a unique opinion on silent characters. Anyway, onto the headcannons.

This is almost a given with the silent types but I feel like he is an amazing listener, only ever nodding to show he’s still listening or giving small “mhms”

You’re probably the only one he comfortably talks to other than Blue.

In public he likes holding your hand, he often communicates through squeezing your hand or fiddling with your fingers.

Psychic boyfriend No.1

This man can just tell what you need, when you need it. Whether it’s comfort cuddles after a bad day of for period troubles.

Speaking of period troubles, this man not only will buy you whatever you need, he’ll wash the sheets, run you a bath and let you use him as a personal heater.

Yandere + NSFW

This man doesn’t open up to people easily yet you made him fall apart.

You made him stutter, drop things and slip up in battles when you cheered for him, he’s whipped.

You were the only woman that’s ever caught his attention and you aren’t leaving him anytime soon.

So get used to him possessively having a hand on you at all times, glaring daggers at any other person you pay attention to.

He’s a very private person so isn’t one to leave marks on you openly, but he does take great pleasure in leaving dark marks on your thighs.

Speaking of thighs… he’s a giver, do what you want with that.

Blue

Ah the smug bastard rival, and I promise you… he’s still insufferable, but in a loving way.

Bullies you playfully. A day doesn’t go by where he doesn’t mess up your hair and trip you up.

But he loves you truly.

You could not have asked for a more cuddly man, I didn’t expect to have this headcannon but I imagine this man is very eager to stay cuddled up to you as much as possible.

Although he talks a lot and loves it when you compliment him, I also think he’s a good listener, but like I’m a hype man way.

He’ll sit by the bathroom door while you’re in the bath letting you vent about anything you want just egging you on. “Wow she sounds like a bitch-“

A man who loves PDA, it’s his favourite way of staking his claim on your beautiful self.

Yandere + NSFW

Has dated his fair share of girls, but he wants you so bad.

He will fight for you, no matter what. This man will abuse whatever position he has to impress you. A relative of the professor’s, ex Champion, and a gym leader. He will do whatever he can to have you.

He is incredibly touchy, the moment other people aren’t looking, his hands are under your shirt. Nibbling your neck and kissing your earlobes. Actually he’d do that even with people watching,

Although he’d be mighty mad if someone watched your gorgeous body, he might even hurt someone.

Brock

This man is underrated.

The most loveable family man you’ll ever meet.

He loves to cook for you. Everyday. Please let this man make you breakfast in bed.

In fact no, he wants you to cook with him. All romantic. His chest to your back, whispering sweet nothings in your ears while you chop up vegetables.

If you get along with his siblings, he will propose to you on the spot.

Very openly affectionate, but never goes further than a hug in public… ok maybe you can get a kiss on the cheek.

Yandere + NSFW

This man has a breeding kink… you can’t change my mind.

He wants a nice big family and the idea of you, heavy and round with his baby. Not to mention how your… other assets will change.

Will happily suffocate in your tits, and if you’re pregnant, he will help relieve any discomfort you have.

If another man hurt you in any way, he’s going to go… missing. He’d break a man in half over his knee for you, and his Onix is very strong.

Lance

Am I the only one who would smash? Yes? No? Alrighty-

He’s always hits me as a someone who likes spending time with his lover in silence.

Not opposed to PDA but gets worried about his fans potentially harassing you, let’s you borrow his dragonite to escort you between towns.

Away from the public and just with his friends (elite four mainly) he loves to have you by his side, often whispering things about his day to you, information he only shares with you.

Also a man who is very hot, like he’s warm constantly, will be the best snuggler when it’s cold.

Yandere + NSFW

Originally I thought this man would be rather… vanilla but I feel like he’d be into wax play. I can’t explain it, but I can picture him loving to spill wax all over your tits.

For the more yandere side of things, he’s the strongest dragon trainer in Kanto. He will use his influence to make himself your only option, not that you’d realise, he’s not an idiot.

Giovanni

BARK BARK BARK GRRR MAFIA DADDY-

Your relationship is hidden very well from most people, you don’t get to villain status with a clean record and no enemies.

Despite that, you love a life of luxury baby.

He loves nothing more than to pamper you. His beautiful girl sat on his lap, with her hair all done up and nails all pretty. Now that’s the life.

Yandere + NSFW

I think he has great Yandere potential.

You sat comfortably on his lap in his office, his hands trailing comfortably under your skirt.

He loves watching you squirm as his fingers traces tight circles- well that’s all you get for now.

As I mentioned before, I believe he’d default to yandere to be honest.

He would not hesitate to kidnap but I like the idea that he’d try and woo you first. Dinner dates… wine… murdering his competitors.

Yeah, he’d be a yandere.

Johto

(I’m ashamed to admit I’ve never played these ones so I have no significant opinion on any of the characters)

Hoenn

Steven

This is just a crow in a human form, mr I love shiny rocks (me fr fr)

His love language is most definitely gift giving. Your shared house is littered with crystals and shiny things he’s found over his travels.

He loves to press kisses all over your fingers, buying you as many rings as possible for you and him to match. If he buys himself a new ring you’re getting one too.

Loves showing you off to the elite four, and begs that his dad approves. Not that he needs his approval but it’d be awkward if he didn’t.

Yandere + NSFW

Possessive as fuck.

You ain’t getting away from him easily. He will track you down as long as he needs to before you calm down and quit running away.

Loves pampering you once you behave though.

He kisses up your legs to your thighs, such passionate loving words followed by the mantra of “dirty girl” and “slut”

Maxie

Ok all the villains just radiate Yandere energy- so they’re all gonna be pure yandere + NSFW warning

This man doesn’t have it in him to kidnap someone… oh wait that’s a lie.

When he met you that all changed

He needs you, he would hurt anyone to get you to himself.

He’d leave dark bites on your neck, massaging your hips to tangle you together.

Another man I think would be into wax play, also a corruption kink. (No I won’t elaborate)

Archie

Big brute of a man… he’s going to make you beg for his mercy.

He loves holding you in his lap, cradling you delicately while he peppers kisses along your neck.

Will bite you, this man is a shark and will leave slightly bloody bite marks all over your body.

This man eats pussy for breakfast, you will never not cum first, a truly good man.

He is far more eager to kill a man to prove his love for you than he should be.

Sinnoh

I’ll be honest I tried to but I’m tired and I’m just going to be writing Yandere and NSFW headcannons. I’m sorry people-

Barry

This boy is so happy to finally have met someone who loves him… you’re not allowed to leave, he’ll cry.

For some reason I see this mans as wanting a family… he wants to be a more present father than his own.

Not one to leave marks on you but will beg you to stay home so he can cuddle and pamper you all day.

When he eventually takes over the battle frontier (he so would you can’t tell em otherwise) he will use that position to “protect you”.

Cyrus

Ah yes, the cold emotionless man who falls for a sweet woman and kills all competition… I approve!

PDA? Who is that? The most you’ll get from him is his hand on your shoulder moment before he orders team galactic to handle someone who was making moves on you.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. You’re the only woman he could ever love.

He lays awkwardly in bed but melts when your head rests on his chest, that was when the yandere switch flipped and he locked you in his apartment.

At least the man lays some good pipe, also this man has a bondage kink cause I said so.

Unova

Elesa

You think that the world won’t notice the famous model and gym leader with a girl on her arm. You’re going to end up centre of the Unova news for the next month.

She loves this though, now everyone knows you belong to her, and anyone who ignores that will just get zapped.

Prepare to share clothes, and prepare for her to watch you undress, she can’t help herself.

The woman loves to zap you, just lightly though, you’ll live… and probably cum.

Emmett + Ingo

Yes you get both, these two are a package deal ok?

Now… prepare to never leave their sight.

They want you at every battle, cheering them on, cuddling with the Joltiks or napping in their office using their coats as blankets.

Now… ok these two are kinky. They just are-

Ingo is 100% a family man, big breeding kink.

I think Emmett is more, adventurous, bondage and impact play seems right in my opinion.

Love to… “threaten” to throw people on the tracks when they flirt with you.

N

Aww what a sweet little thing, come and give me a hug- now time to hide you away where no one can ever see you again!

Honestly, he probably fell for you after seeing your relationship with your Pokemon. Almost every Pokemon you see likes you.

He’s very possessive over you. It’s no secret that he was raised in an incredibly unhealthy way, so he can’t exactly discern between inappropriate and appropriate behaviour in pursuing his courtship with you.

Now onto more NSFW art themes, he 100% praises you constantly and makes sure you’re tended to first. Often ends up super pent up because he wants to take care of you but sometimes go so far and overstimulates you. Don’t worry, the aftercare is amazing though.

Ghetsis

. . . Bastard

I’m only including this mother fucker because he’s so evil he’d be one of the most extreme Yanderes out of all of them. And because if still smash because I’m sinful-

The moment he sees you and falls for you, you can bet you’re getting kidnapped, sorry you just are.

I would bet money that he is the most possessive out of all of them but, and hear me out, would also be kinda attentive?

I can totally picture him being cold and accidentally upsetting you only to spend the rest of the next day showering you on gifts.

You’d also be seen as a god to the rest of team plasma, so enjoy being worshipped.

Oh and NSFW… spanking, degrading and tying you up, enjoy

Colress

Ah yes, my adorable scientist that I think is a kinky motherfucker-

He would make a collar to track you when you leave his side, he isn’t too keen on the idea of locking you insider after all.

Wouldn’t kidnap you but would murder the competitors.

Anyway onto the kinks I think would suit him…

He’d 100% make different types of vibrators so he can cuff you to the bed and watch you squirm. Considered making you a ball gag but he gets off on your moans, that does mean he ends up edging you before fucking you himself.

Kalos

Lysandre

Sugar daddy

I could leave that like that but fine fine I’ll feed you horny bastards.

He parades you around more than any of the others, always making sure you’re wearing the finest clothes. Usually also wearing his jacket, he can’t stand gawkers staring. Admiring your beauty he can handle, but staring at his woman is punishable by a flamethrower.

You live the luxury life. Fancy bath soaps and massages. Cafe trips daily so he can make sure you’re eating well. Sex in the back of his car in secluded car parks when you’ve been misbehaving at dinner.

He’s a rough lover but amazing with aftercare, so there’s that.

Alola

Nanu

Dilf energy… and I’m hungry for it I’ll be honest.

So tired, but you give him energy. Energy to do crime to keep you to himself but still energy. But hey why argue, you get to cuddle his cats all day.

Also, if you’re a trainer that has cat Pokemon… he’d probably marry you. Proposal on sight. Already on one knee.

He isn’t very openly affectionate but as long as no one is around he’ll always have an arm around your waist. You’re well protected.

Another man that I believe would make sure you cum first every time. Just make sure you have a warm bath after for your back, he hits me as a rough lover.

Guzma

Oh you poor girl… not because he’s going to treat you bad but he’s obsessed.

You’re probably kidnapped by team skull but you had no idea it was a kidnapping, it was more of a scooby-doo chase.

Yeah you now have like 50 babies to care for but don’t worry, big sis Plumeria and your new husband will help you. What you don’t remember getting married? Oh silly, you belonged to him the moment your eyes met.

He’s very inexperienced with relationships so give him a little time to learn. He’s a fast learner in bed so he won’t leave you unsatisfied. Will pamper you anyway he can.

Oh and have mercy on this man… don’t wear his clothes, he can’t handle it.

Hisui

Volo

Little shit… he’s going to try and use anything he can to claim you.

Whether that be advances in front of people to scare them off and stake his claim over you.

He does have a decently good reputation so no one would expect him to be dangerous, so you’re kinda fucked, Cyllene would protect you if she needed to though.

He talks down to you all the time, you’re not his equal, you are his property in his eyes.

Adaman

This man is smitten. No more smooth and confident Adaman, this man is a stuttering mess.

He wants to marry you so badly, please let this man marry you… and then put a baby in you but marriage first.

This man gives you jewellery, clothes, helps you befriend Pokémon or catch them depending on which method you prefer.

Cuddler, he will snuggle and cuddle as long as you want, so what he has duties? His pretty little wife wants his attention and you will get it.

Irida

Had noooo idea how to handle her feelings. Probably started as a childish crush at first but it developed into something much more.

She wants to spend the rest of her life with you by her side.

Glares at everyone who speaks to you, even people from her clan. She’s very jealous very easily.

But she loves you, and will let you spend unsupervised time with some people she trusts… only her Wardens, although she doesn’t trust Ingo as much as she doesn’t know him as well, not with you at least.

Warden Ingo

Dilf energy again

His memory may be strange and shaky but he remembers how to treat a woman he loves. Remembers things Elesa told him and Emmet, although to him it’s more echos of voices he thinks he knows.

He loves cuddling up to you while watching the newly hatched sneasels learn how to live. Although this does awaken a want for family he forgot he had.

He isn’t the most trusting person, but he is a good judge of character… and has gotten into a fistfight with Volo when he hit on you. Blood was drawn.

He throws a good punch, but would never hurt you, he adores you, you make him feel good in a familiar way.

Anyway you freaks want NSFW- this man lives up in the mountains, them rough hands can do wonders. And he loves making you feel good, people pleaser but only for you.

Paldea

Arven

Aw what a sweet boy, who will strangle anyone who tries to take you from him.

This boy lost both his parents and nearly lost his best friend/dog… he is terrified he’ll lose you too.

He cooks he cleans and then makes sure to rub your back and give you love so you’ll love him back

Please give this boy some affection or the boys around you will pay the price of you don’t.

Professor Sada

Mommy?

This woman is feral, not only did she basically throw you over her shoulder when she met you but you never don’t have bite marks all over your skin. It’s her way of telling everyone your hers.

I feel she’d give more freedom than Turo, only if Robo Sada was with you for safety… and to break the arms of whoever looked at you the way she did.

Also this woman is a mosterous pussy devouring fiend, don’t argue, you know I’m right.

Professor Turo

Oh daddy Turo- criminally underrated daddy let alone Yandere daddy.

I feel like Turo most definitely would have kept you locked down in his lab with him, convincing you that you help him with his research. I mean… he isn’t wrong, you motivate him to keep going.

However girl has needs and he often get consumed by his work. It wasn’t until he caught you handling problems yourself on your shared bed that he decided robo Turo should take over his research a little bit more.

It’d be a shame if you fell in love with a toy he so kindly made for you than him himself.

Larry

Ah my favourite ordinary business man… I’m so normal about him.

He is very normal about you too, except the fact that he has pocketed any handkerchief you’ve used while eating with him.

Oh and many dates that are just trying new food, oh and bird watching.

Again, call me weird but I think this man wants a family, total breeding kink.

Also I feel like he likes a rather feminine woman, not in the frilly skirt way but in the way of “I don’t N E E D a man but I like you”. You like him, right?

Rika

M m mommy?

Dominatrix… owns a whip… bondage. ANYWAY-

Not above using their position as elite four to scare off competition and keeping you in line.

Oh don’t cry, you won’t escape anyways.

She only uses PDA to send a message to other women or men, “hands off”

Jacq

Teach me about biology bb-

ANYWAY… loves to discover new Pokémon with you.

Will happily teach you about your favourite Pokémon for your attention.

Please don’t look away, he’ll have a breakdown.

Miriam

Ah cute little nurse… she has access to so many dangerous drugs.

She will scream and cry if you choose someone else, don’t do it, she’s an ugly cryer.

She loves to give you “check ups” when no one is looking.

On a side note, don’t you know that orgasms are good for your health? You didn’t? Oh silly let Miriam help you out, her fingers can work wonders.

THIS TOOK FOREVER…

But it was worth it enjoy animals. I want to get more serious with Pokemon x reader writing so I hope some people enjoy this… I’m never doing this big of a post again… this was meant to be a Christmas post- way to many bloody tags to add :,)

[corviiids]

sparknotes for chapter 9 of as you like it because a very kind commenter asked for a breakdown and if theres one thing im good at it's breaking down

(spoilers for the fic obviously)

tihs chapter gave me so much trouble. i sat on it for so long i literally hated it by the time i posted it but im starting to forgive it now. it was, as ive said, originally way longer, and the next part of the fic was supposed to be the second half of this one... but it was starting to get absurd and i realised that neither part would have the weight i needed them to have if they were lumped in together. (with some relief, honestly, because i kind of had wanted them to be separate initially but didn't think they'd be long enough. i dont know myself very well.) anyway, the next chapter should be a bit of a doozy now although hopefully not SO absurdly long.

this chapter picks up where the previous cliff hung off, which is to say, after the 'shadow' akechi reveals that he's actually just the real ass guy. akechi in the palace what will he do. the chapter doesn't immediately kick off with ren's reaction though and that is because ren is the most repressed man alive and does not know how he feels about it.

so, akechi disguised himself to enter his palace, which is significant for a few reasons:

1. he's disguised as himself

which i think is ironic in a fun way, but it's also just a very basic nod to the fact that akechi pivots between which of his personae is his default. this isn't necessarily super meaningful, but he does later refer to the black mask suit as

a costume, instead of an outfit. i mean, don't read into it too much, he's just talking, but i did think that probably points to how he feels about his appearance generally.

2. more importantly, his disguise involves taking off his mask.

so he's disguised, yes, and he's disguised as himself, yes, but that disguise is a literal unmasking, which is also kind of ironic. in presenting himself this way he has literally and figuratively made himself vulnerable. they're inside his heart, and the entire time he's in the palace, he is exposed... again both literally and figuratively because he also starts sharing more with ren than he ever has. look, i just think it's fun to have a character who has so many layers that he has to lie so hard that he becomes himself again.

i only want to point this out because (this is also part of larger meta about mona lol) akechi knew about the metaverse, but there is no way to intuit the method of stealing hearts without guidance. it's such a specific and involved process. thje most akechi could work out on his own was that if you killed a shadow, that person would have a mental breakdown. no way to guess that if you send a calling card and then go in within the next 24 hours and take a physical manifestation of a thing that you didn't know existed (process) would lead to that person ahving a change of heart (result). so even if akechi had a palace and knew about it, even if he wanted to do something about it, he would have assumed there was nothing he could do about it - i also have no idea what the process would be for sending yourself a calling card, even if he DID know about the process. so basically in this fic akechi found his palace and just assumed that was it. he was like, fucked up lol. anyway

this just straight up isn't true HAHA so i put in the silly little dichotomy of akechi gently taking ren's arm to protect him from slipping on the ice while telling him that he lied about caring about him. i think in this chapter as akechi begins to openly explain more and more of his thought process, this is probably the first truly clear glimpse you get of exactly what akechi's distortion is and how deep it runs.

the things akechi says with total conviction in this chapter are just... not true, not a fair or founded way to view the world (or the art of performance haha), but he says them with total conviction, and hopefully it should show off how unreliable he is as a source of exposition. one commenter asked about this moment of akc's eyes going yellow and if it was somehting that happened in canon - not really, i was just thinking about those little moments in the game after you send a calling card where the game cuts from the person to their shadow to do a little oneliner about their distortion.

akechi's IN his own palace, so i thought it would be fun to kind of make it a physical thing that can happen to him where he sort of merges with his shadow for a brief second in the moments when the distortion is strongest.

OKAY this is one of my favourite bits of the chapter HAHA the deep soda lore. i dont expect anyone to remember all the way back to chapter 3 but:

literally nobody asked about this but i love the phantom thieves!!! i dream of all the little silly moments of being a team that they must have that we don't get to see in gameplay, for obvious reasons of it wouldn't really work in a game, but i can imagine them in my brain. i can imagine their trickshot contests that get their asses kicked. i can imagine them chanting at each other to chug while joker and oracle compete to down an entire bottle of brand neutral mountain dew baja blast. i can dream.

soda lore is gay.

i dont honestly think it's inherently a bad thing necessarily but this part does kind of set up like... you can see akechi very early on in life forming this worldview that the truth isn't always what you want, you know? this was a 'lie' he and his mother both bought into, they both knew what the truth actually was, so it wasn't real dishonesty, but they just had this little fantasy. i just thought it would be fun for akechi to have a way to bond with his mother and feel closer to her, and that way is by buying into this white lie. idk

akechi's mother isn't really a character and i don't want to form her into too much of one because i think it's very much the point that, like... he made this point in an earlier chapter but having lost her at a pretty young age i think it's quite crucial that akechi doesn't really have a fully formed image of who his mother is outside of what she was to him as a child. so i actively don't want her to feel too real or defined. im not interested in making an oc out of her because i think it defeats the purpose. that said, this line exists to maybe gesture very vaguely at the notion that akechi's mother was a very bright person who similarly was stuck in circumstances that didn't serve to foster her real potential. just the image in my mind of a person who's clever enough to get across algebraic notation in chess by flipping through a book in a few minutes, but was never exposed to the opportunity to learn chess until this moment in someone else's house, and also the particular situation of learning this skill WHILE at someone's place as a call girl, i dunno . i hope im treating this with the grace it deserves but i wanted to build just this particular image in vivid colour while also keeping the reality quite blurry and vague, just to give the reader a sense of where akechi came from while still preserving his limited pov.

my thoughts on the phantom thieves' methods (and how they compare to maruki) are definitely too long and involved to put into a post about this fic chapter specifically, but maybe one day. i also wanna stress im not like... strictly anti-phantom thief or anti-heartstealing lol but i do have thoughts about the philsophy of it and the thieves' hypocrisy WHATEVER that's not for this post. i bring this up only to crow about finding a way to bring up the experience machine (ie maruki's reality) in this fic without it being royal compliant and have it be... hoepfully... sufficiently relevant to the plot. wa hoo! the experience machine came up for the first time back in chapter 4 and im just delighted that i finally got to close that loop. by the way, that experiment is also called the lotus eater machine after the lotus eaters in the odyssey! i dunno that it's actively my favourite thought experiment but it's definitely up there and i think about it a lot.

TITLE DROP

i think i spoke once about what 'as you like it' means. it's obviously the name of the shakespeare play from where 'all the world's a stage' comes, but it has a couple more layers to it as well - akechi's palace is a place where he performs to what he believes other people want or need to see from him - so his appearance is as you like it. and his accusation of the thieves' heartstealing methods is that they twist a person's internal reality to suit their vision - that's the meaning he's taking here, claiming that joker is turning akechi into an unfamiliar new thing, as [joker] like[s] it. you get it.

this running joke of ren really hating vents wasn't something i planned but im attached to it now. prayer circle for his knees

ive basically given up on making sense of samerecarm, which is par for the course for any rpg or video game really where reduction to 0hp/revival are mechanics. like, im inclined to think 0hp is more equivalent to unconsciousness, because... well... otherwise it's pretty cold that they left akechi dead in the engine room without even looking for a way around the wall. lol. but one of mona's revival lines is 'being dead isnt easy!' or something like that, so i kind of just give up and assume it's video game logic you'r enot meant to look at too hard lol. the way i reconcile it for my purposes is to say it's a sort of metaverse-exclusive state of being which is not quite dead but sort of in a limbo state wher eyou can be brought back with specific revival magic, which i refer to as being down. that's uhhh, that's different from the battle status of down... which you get after being hit with a crit/technical/weak skill... look, don't think about it. joker in crow's arms.

this is literally meaningless i just wanted to include a cameo of my very favourite persona q2 battle theme.

[afurtivecake]

Neil's so funny fr cuz what other character looks at a countdown to their own demise and has the attitude of "I didn't ask for a secretary 🙄" or who isn't fun to torture cuz of his laissez faire attitude to it. nobody doing it like him.

do u have any opinions on neil? or andreil?

yes. because i'm obsessed with those two assholes. next.

sorry, i'm only kidding, of course i will talk about it in detail and at length because i'm incapable of shutting up once you get me going.

wymack (in one of the short stories) says neil is "ragged around the edges and ice all the way through" and i think that describes him perfectly. dude is seriously unhinged and a bit of a sociopath and he doesn't even realize it. he's out there thinking that he has a bit of a temper issue but that's it. and then he'll say things like how he wasn't paying attention to what people were saying cuz he was too busy taking in riko's agonized screams or how he no longer cared what the psychiatrist has to say because he's already served his use in getting andrew clean. and that's all just normal to him. he doesn't really mind using people, he's kind of bloodthirsty, he'll cut people where it hurts (verbally) and he genuinely doesn't feel anything for any of the deaths that happen. none of that is insane or troubling behaviour on its own, but the fact that he doesn't seem to think it's particularly troubling behaviour is what's troubling. when he does care, it's about what other people will think of his reactions. ice all the bloody way through.

sometimes i feel so bad for andrew like, "this??? THIS is what you want???" but alright, to each their own. i love that andrew probably has more natural empathy than neil and that neil probably has more practice at finding empathy and utilizing it than andrew. between them, they might scrounge up enough functional empathy to nearly make up one full normal person. then i remember that i, someone who isn't ever 100% sure i'm showing my empathy correctly and doesn't know what to do when other people react with strong empathy, happen to be friends with a lot of the same sort of people...................so i'd be lying if i said i don't understand why they feel comfortable around each other.

yeah but my main opinion is that i'm pretty happy for them never to say 'i love you' or marry or even acknowledge their relationship openly. they just go home to the same home, do their share of tasks and chores, hang out in each other's company, wait for each other, do things for each other, give each other casual gifts, fuck, wake up next to each other, and if anyone asks them if they're together, they shrug and give the simplest, barest version of the truth: they live together.

personally i find this headcanon nice and reassuring because, if you did not grow up hearing affection and love expressed in words, the words 'i love you' can feel really empty and uncomfortable to receive or use. (a thing i did not realize myself until i had to give a speech at a wedding and choked on using the word 'love'.) to me, it's reassuring that they can just exist together as they are. I don't see it as a sign that they need more healing, necessarily. idk, at some point, how much of your personality is your trauma and how much of it is just you? if you fully heal from everything, would you still be yourself? no bloody clue. but hey, i like that people do head canon them being really soft and gooey and nice. i think it says a lot about who they are as people and i'm glad for that.

[peachjagiya]

https://www.tumblr.com/peachjagiya/763139510464905216/im-sure-youre-seeing-things-to-contradict-this-so?source=share I totally agree with everything said here, and I was also an army who stayed majorly in these neutral spaces for 6 years, and let me tell you that now that I'm here in this shipping space in Tumblr where we allow ourselves to have this tough conversations that armys avoid like plague, my views and thoughts about BTS and members totally changed and evolved when I also allowed to myself to think about these kind of things. Non shipping armys indeed avoid to talk about the "who is closer to who" topic openly (although lot of them still end talking about it unconsciously), and I think that can be toxic and unrespectful to BTS bond. It's toxic, patronizing and totally disrespectful to these 7 different humans that each have 6 different bonds between each member, and armys don't even realize how disrespectful it is to them and how it is important to acknowledge that bond and feelings will not be the same between all of them. They think that just because Yoongi or Jin for example have brotherly fells for Jungkook, that all other bonds are exactly the same, that Yoongi and Namjoon have the same bond as for example of Jimin and Hobi. There are 7 members in the band, in total 21 pairs and different bonds between them, to patronize all of this 21 bonds into the same box is insanity to think that all these relationships will be the same. Most of armys have a big issue of not seeing BTS members as individuals and not as a group, and to avoid these kind of topics is one of the things that show the most how they have trouble to see the members as their own person. That's a thing that pisses me off as a tkkr when I see armys saying that its impossible for taekook to be partners because one member once stated that they fell like the other members are his brothers, so obviously all members will also fell like it and specially see the other 6 members exactly the same way, and they all get ''oh how dare you say that Taehyung and Jungkook have anything but brotherly fellings towards each other'', as if all bonds will be the same and they can't have different levels of affections towards each members. And just because maybe two members does not seem to be the closest or as close as other two member, it does not mean that they hate each other or do not get along, it's human nature and not the end of the world that some duos will be closer than others, I still believe that BTS as a whole have all a great bond that most of us can't even get a grasp of it, and love each other immensely, but to not acknowledge that some will be closer and not prioritize each other the same way, can be dehumanizing to them when that's just normal human nature, specially in a time they weren't as present in each others life which happened in the hiatus. And that's why I also think its ok for us when showed that some members did not prioritize each other and when it came out of their own mouths that they didn't, but company still want to diminish a duo that did show to prioritize each other and focusing on and romanticizing one that didn't, and it is okay for us to question the intention and shadiness behind it and it's not us diminishing this other bond, it's just because we don't close our eyes and take everything as presented, to pretend that certain topics does not exist

☝️☝️☝️ 💜

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

Re: your post about JohnandPaul. If you do wish to share them, I'd love to know your headcanons about John and Paul's feelings for each other. ( I do get your discomfort about sharing though and yeah, I also miss the long discussions and metas from back when Get Back came out. It feels like, except you and some others, most of my favorite blogs have moved on from the fandom)

I've been sitting on this ask for several days now.

First of all I hear you, re:blogs moving on. It's understandable, but it's also sad when my brain does not want to give this stuff up any time soon lol.

In my post I talked about having specific headcanons about their feelings for each other, but the truth is, it's more like I imagine hundreds of very specific somewhat plausible scenarios, while not actually fully buying into any of them.

I always struggle with how sure people are of some definite timeline of McLennon because I just don't see how it's in any way clear: the most compelling evidence that at least John had Those Feelings™ for Paul is stuff he said after the fact (compiled with the stronger case for John being attracted to men in general) – so, if I choose to interpret his words in that way, I'm still not very close to knowing when he developed this attraction. Let alone concluding anything substantial about Paul's feelings.

(And no, I really don't find the two of them saying the other looked good when they met particularly compelling. Appearance plays a huge role in first impressions, regardless of attraction.)

So I guess, it's more that I have open questions I return to again and again, for which I try to construct hypothetical answers that make sense to me. Aside from that bigger timeline question, here's a few more specific ones:

From what I've gathered researching the topic, listening to psychonauts speak about their trips, the acid mindset very much romanticizes all forms of human connection (among other things). I think that's probably what was going on during those "I know."–"I know." sessions John and Paul had on LSD. With that in mind, how might that have mixed in with John trying to understand how he felt about Paul? Could it have confused him? Opened him up to the idea? "Appeased" him for a while? (and again, the answer here would depend on the timeline of feelings in the end)

I still lean towards "Paul is not meaningfully attracted to men" (or at least "Paul valued other aspects of his relationship with John much more than physical attraction") – with that in mind I do kind of ask myself what Paul thought his relationship with John was exactly. Like, I don't pretend it was a standard, run-of-the-mill friendship, so I wonder a lot what his end-goal was, how he saw both of them continuing into later stages of life. The way he talks about the breakup, equating John choosing Yoko with John leaving Paul, speaks to something somewhat true about most couples that marry – but why did he not anticipate that before? What was different? Also, for $20 don't copout with "hurr hurr cause Cyn didn't matter"

Paul's various takes on The John Question continue to puzzle me. On the one hand, it sort of seems to me like Paul would have had enough context clues at the time to get that John was attracted to men, because some of our evidence for it is evidence he would have had access to – he also indicated at least once that John was in fact kind of openly bicurious??? (note: that rant keeps me up at night. Could write a whole thesis on it and also it's so fucking funny) On the other, Paul is pretty insistent that the rumours are Not True and he's not actually the only person to shoot them down like that. (May Pang, Julia Baird, Tony Bramwell, Hunter Davies off the top of my head) It shouldn't be a stretch of the imagination that a man born in the 1940s might have trouble rearranging the image he's made of his dead best friend so drastically (or in a way that might feel drastic to him). So what is it? Is Paul obfuscating the question to protect John's reputation/because he thinks the curiosity is in poor taste or does he genuinely not buy into it? I'm not actually sure whether he's weighed in on this since Yoko's "John Was BI!!!!" reveal. Has this stance developed over the years? And if I assume Paul does know about John's sexuality: does he in fact think John had feelings for him? I do think this is a thing he would never talk about if he did so it feels like there would be no way of knowing either way. But it also makes me wonder about the barriers he might have set up in his head to avoid that very question – because the truth is that if John had Those Feelings™ for Paul and Paul never knew, that's sort of the second-worst case scenario from Paul's perspective, right after John having never liked him in the first place.

AND THEN THERE'S JOHN. Because just because Paul may not have picked up on it, doesn't mean John wasn't putting anything down. But he could also very much have been sending mixed signals from his own end, right? And again, acid mindset + mid 60s Free Love shit: in that culture, how much could John making advances be perhaps taken as Flowery Friendship? Did he justify it to himself that way? Or was John actually violently shoving all of that down? Was he truly capable of that?

It really never ends – I'm not certain of ANYTHING, but give me a proposal (ie. "In My Life is about Paul") and I'll talk myself into circles exploring the ins and outs of that hypothetical.

[etinceelle]

at this point I think it's okay for you to draw your ships and when someone say shit you do a villain laught happy to see people mad... embrace your villain arc! xD But serously... er... I think that it's best to talk about personal stuff in private, just in case, it doesn't feel good for you saying things openly just for a idiot to come and exploit a weakspot :/

This ask is from a while ago I'm sorry- but thank you, honestly I'm having way more fun in drawing my own characters for a while now anyways. I love to draw Nuts and Dolts only from time to time and other limited stuff for commissions but that's it. But Gris and Fauve are really the main source of my enjoyment for some time and it's just nice, they're my characters, I have my own ideas on them, they're perfect the way they are and I'm just so excited to develop them and their friends/families etc

As for personal stuff, I can only admit that I am pretty impulsive and can share some personal thoughts/vent pretty hard, but I also share personal stuff with art to share it with others because keeping it for myself also caused me a lot of trouble and pain for many years and I don't want to repeat that. It's just a balance I guess. I'd like to be able to share some stuff with people while protecting myself, so on that point I think I understand what you mean

[wishing-stones]

Hihihi i saw your reblog about calcium cat recently and... thank you for that! It was eye opening and confirmed some suspicions i had... and im sorry you dont have to post this ask if you dont want to, i just didnt know where else to go. I don't use tumblr often, very sorry if i am bothering you!

So, i used to be a big fan of calcium cat's, and when i learned from your reblog that she's not someone i want to associate myself with, i remembered that she and topazshadowwolf (someone who wrote some Dadmare and Soriel fics that I liked, i think they're well known in the community but im not sure?) were affiliated with one another, and topazshadowwolf has these two posts on their blog that arent outright queerphobic like calcium cat's posts. i wanted to see what your thoughts were on it as a second opinion because i dont want to judge them too hard, but i also got an icky feeling from these posts that i can't really explain. I dont want to cause trouble for them if they don't deserve it which is why i wanted to ask your opinion on it. And im on anon in case if it really is that bad...

https://www.tumblr.com/topazshadowwolf/738317097192603648/anon-i-am-not-going-to-reply-to-that-ask-i-dont?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/topazshadowwolf/738292724279672832/i-didnt-want-to-say-this-but-its-been-bugging?source=share

Uhmm yeah thats about it. Sorry, you probably dont get asks like this that much, i really just didnt know what to do and didnt see anyone talking about it and thought i was going crazy, i wanted to ask someone. I am a queer person myself and i just felt like these posts were really off but idk why :(((

Sorry this took a bit to get to Anon, I legitimately had no idea who this person was. Also had to grapple with the fact that I'm apparently a big enough figurehead here to ask about discourse? Willlddd to me. I'm not used to this LOL.

Discourse under the cut

The first thing that strikes me as off is the fact that Cal commented on the ask linked in the first post you provided. Don't like that. Openly associating with someone who has been outed as an immensely bigoted trans/homophobe is.... not a good look.

However, in regards to that ask, I agree with some of what they were saying. School is a time to play at discovery, because you rarely remain who you were as a child. It's not a definitive thing. You can be adamant that you're one way in school, and once you leave it an broaden your horizons, you discover that you're another way. This ranges anything from sexualities, gender expression, to religion and belief systems. People grow and change.

As an aside, I don't agree that NM wouldn't support them if they claimed to be different from how they are as adults and wouldn't support them. No context given, but I assume the boys don't remember being adults. This means their growing experiences will be fundamentally different than they were as former adults because they are going through their childhood/adolescence in a wildly different way than they did underground. So constricting them to such a narrow scope seems... disingenuous at best.

Seems a might bit narrow-minded, but I wouldn't go screaming "transphobia" yet. Don't like the "if you feel like I disrespected you, leave" though. The correct response is to ask what you did that made someone feel that way.

Worthy of a side-eye, but unless someone presents solid proof (as with Cal's very damning twitter likes, yuck), bad vibes shouldn't be enough to try to cancel someone. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I sincerely hope my general faith here is not misplaced.

[myopicry]

I've already sent you an ask (more like a ramble on aesthetics and its relation to women) around a week ago, you're probably inactive atm (which isnt a bad thing btw!) but i'm gonna send another thing in (something unrelated to my last ramble lol).

now that i've spent time both in radfem/"terf" spaces and trans positive/inclusive(?) ones, i've noticed how scared the latter are of being even *slightly* associated to the former. it's oddly funny and kind of silly when you think about it. ppl have talked about this before but i'm referring to stuff like "op is a terf" and "terfs dni". the latter has been especially poignant to me recently for some reason: a trend ive seen is that ppl often write that in their bio after having created a post which some radfems or GCs reblogged/engaged with and they've used the classic "so terfs have come across this and i just wanted to let it be know that i dont like you guys" (altho worded much less kindly). it's like they're *terrified* of being perceived by ppl who share their views as even just somewhat affiliated to the "other" in any way, shape or form. or they're terrified of the other following them and interacting with their content. it feels very defensive and overly "loud" to me, idk?... the "op is a terf" has been talked about a lot in the radfem/GC spaces, so this might be a shorter section (update: it's not, lmao), but as that one post said: "it's a thought terminating cycle". I think that's one of the reasons i haven't checked out what the hell these "terfs" were actually saying and arguing (apart from screenshots of JKR tweets) for so long. it rlly proved to me how engaging with media from other "sides" is crucuial, even if you probably wont agree most of the time. if anything, i think i just wanted to be a good ally: i love debating and i wanted to know how to respond to "terf rhetoric" better. i remember feeling surprised by what i saw, not feeling the immediate "this is illogical and bad" feeling, and having trouble arguing against certain points. i couldn't even find good counter arguments from other ppl. and then there was a domino effect (altho i havent adopted all radfem and GC POVs and dont consider myself as a radfem or rad leaning/GC). even some trans friends of mine were surprised when i reported my findings to them. i'll stop here even though i can talk about this for much longer, but those "terfs/radfems dni" bios rlly stick out to me now and made me think lol. hope to see you back soon! ~🪼

hi hi! apologies for the delay! I did in fact spend some personal time offline, it was quite nice and it is probably a much healthier thing than spending most of my day on tumblr lmao but I can't deny I did miss speaking openly about my opinions on things, especially certain observations that I absolutely would not be able to discuss with my irls unless I wanted to sit them down for a multi-hour lecture just to make sure I wasn't misunderstood ^_^|||

anyway I just saw both your asks (eloquently written as ever!) and will respond to this first just because I saw it first lmao. not much to add other than maybe rambling myself about some of my own similar experiences and what not. you've put it into words great though! there is almost this "mystical" denouncement of terfs/radfems/gender criticals who are mislabled as just radfems etc. within trans spaces, and as I've looked more and more into "terf" ideology this kind of hatred really does go back far, to a point where it's basically impossible to even mention radical feminism or gender critical feminism without immediate hostility. like a sort of legend or custom, being wary/outwardly hateful of the demonic terf. maybe this is why when I heard gender ideology being likened to a religion, the analogy really clicked with me, because on some level trans-inclusive spaces really do make terfs feel like "the devil", some root of all evil, the parallel to the "divine" that they liken themselves to. I'm fairly atheistic myself in regards to just religion in general, so understanding being gender critical as essentially "gender atheism" helped me realize how logically flawed and slightly harmful a vehement belief in trans ideology could be, just as a non-critical perspective on any religious ideology can be.

I definitely relate to the point of basically falling into the radfem rabbit hole accidentally. I don't really feel like I'm properly a radfem or especially an activist (I do just write what's on my mind and that I can't really get engagement from my pre-existing social circles lol) and I honestly got into the ideas not through radblr but imageboards and forums through my bad habit of looking for material to "invalidate" me as some kind of "doom-scrolling" practice, but instead of finding blind hatred (even in the most niche of internet corners, where the ideology does get radical indeed) I found logical, cogent arguments and reasoning for why these people were so against gender ideology. I mean, yes, there was still hatred, but there's hatred on every corner of every internet space, and it also made me realize how my belief in not committing "thought crimes" by even entertaining "terf" rhetoric was simultaneously making me blind to the genuine flaws and ickier aspects of the trans + queer community that I was just sort of ignoring with cognitive dissonance. as a woman and someone with really god awful people-pleasing habits, I was unfortunately quite good at ignoring things that made me uncomfortable in order to maintain social acceptance and a good reputation in the eyes of others, and even if I don't share every radfem or gc belief, I can't deny being exposed to them all was absolutely integral to unraveling some of that unhealthy behavior.

based on my personal experiences, it is really actually quite disheartening to see that "radfem/terf dni" thing happen so much online. you really can't expect to never challenge your own thinking. in fact, challenging your preconceived notions is the only way you can grow as a person in your personal philosophy and conception of the world. I get it though, it is probably scary to engage with the "forbidden fruit" if your whole self-proclaimed all-accepting community says that this is one thing that is absolutely intolerable and will get you kicked from this welcoming "club". I will say, having opened this proverbial pandora's box of theory, I get a bit more angry and cynical at the state of the world (how did I never notice the staggering affects of misogyny before?), and I get a bit more sad that I'll never be able to have that unquestioning community with people who are supposed to understand me. I wonder if there are more people who would honestly be able to understand the nuances in critiquing gender ideology out there, but they fear that ostracization too. if by some random chance anyone like that ever reads this exact post (lol what are the odds) I always like to remind people that a burner email and account on something like tumblr is incredibly easy to set up!

alright, lemme get to your other ask because it is really interesting and thanks again for visiting!! I genuinely missed engaging with this kinda stuff offline, and I also get tired being the one to drip feed new ideas to people in person. it's really nice to just get a nice well written insight to engage with unfiltered (well, as unfiltered as a tumblr post under a pseudonym can be lmao)

[sadteacherspet]

So I Wrote Down My Story.

(TW/CW: Inappropriate TC Dynamics)

I am now 28, and this all happened when I was a young teen. It kind of consumed the majority of my adolescence and early 20s, so I felt like the best thing I could do was write it down.

For context I had a very chaotic/troubled home life. I lacked guidance and validation from the adults in my life, and I had issues with my father at this time in particular.

It was a new school year, and we had a new young English teacher, 27 going on 28. Let's call him Mr. J.

We did ice breaker activities and I received cute little notes back on my worksheet because I talked about my music interests, and it turned out that we had stuff in common. Something about him was funny and a little weird. He wasn't particularly attractive, but I was just strangely fascinated by him, and I wanted to be his friend.

I was pretty rambunctious, known for being loud and quirky, so I turned it into a mission.

I did exceptionally well in his class and became a teacher's pet pretty quickly. I realized that I wanted to become a writer, and he really motivated me. I was also a fast reader, so he'd lend me books out of his personal library and I would report back a few days later with my little reviews on them.

I sat right in front of his desk, with my desk pushed up against it. Sometimes I organized and tidied up his desk, helped myself to his grapes, sat in his chair. I was a bit of a brat, and I knew I could get away with it too.

And things were falling apart at home, so I confided in him. I started spending my lunch periods in the classroom where I was able to vent, and I found out that he dealt with similar issues. He gave me the best advice, and I felt like I was able to relate to him. It started turning into a crush.

Then I started coming in early to school, and staying a little late after just to linger around.

In a sneaky move, I stole his number off a contact sheet and texted it, pretending to be someone else as a prank. He thought I was an adult with the wrong number, and I managed to get his AIM. We started chatting on AIM but eventually he figured me out.

Initially, he was worried that he would get in trouble. Eventually, he let up and it got to a point where I'd get a haircut over the weekend, and he'd ask me on the following Monday why I didn't text him about it. He ruffled it and told me it looked good.

We still chatted on AIM occasionally, but he always reminded me to be careful. He only wanted to be a "cool teacher" who was friends with his students.

Then he started an after-school drama club, so I joined to be able to spend more time with him.

We played around a lot. I'd swipe his seat once he stood up and he'd sit on me in retaliation. To compromise, we'd share the seat, side by side, hip to hip. Sometimes when I was texting a friend, he would check his phone out of anticipation, thinking I was texting him.

We decided to start a band with another student, a boy, and we spent lunch periods practicing in the classroom. Then I walked into class one day with a new CD on my desk as a little gift.

We started getting closer and touchier. In drama club, we goofed off and I pulled off his tie. Some other kid thought it would be funny to blindfold him with it, and I dragged him with it towards a closet. He stopped at the door, and that was that. Afterwards, he offered to walk me home from school.

Sometimes he offered to buy me snacks after school from the corner store, and he wanted to give me his old bike but I would have had to go pick it up from his apartment.

One day, something large and important of his was stolen, so I rallied everyone together and crowdfunded a replacement. It was a grand gesture on my part, and he was very grateful.

We started hanging out outside of school. We had band practice at his apartment, me and the other boy. I sat next to him and I leaned my knee against his, but he pulled away (much to my disappointment). Afterwards, he bought us pizza.

I was very openly flirtatious and obvious about my crush, but we had to have a few cautious talks about how "there are other fish in the sea." He shut me down quite a bit and it was pretty discouraging, but I had fun chasing him. Sometimes it seemed like he gave in a little, so I kept being persistent.

In the summer, he took walks with me and maybe two other kids, and we stopped at a café to split a slice of cake. We got ice cream and I stole a spoonful of his while he stole a spoonful of mine.

He invited me and that other boy out to the movies once. The boy declined, but the offer still stood for me. I couldn't go, but I think about what it would have been like if I had. The two of us, alone at the movies.

He let me play with his hair and beard, I got my hugs and head pats and arm rubs, and he helped me put my necklace on. He asked me to check his shirt size once because I asked about it, and I remember being nervous about leaning in closely to flip out the back of his collar.

He'd playfully lean in towards my face and pull away, and he pretended to bully me by grabbing my backpack and threatening to push me down the stairs. I'd slap him jokingly too, and I swiped his binder off his desk but returned it the next morning. We bickered and bantered. I was endlessly snarky and took everything as a challenge.

He did say we might have known each other in a past life, maybe as caterpillars or Bonnie and Clyde or two boys during the Great Depression.

"It would be cool if you were my daughter. It would be weird, but we'd both enjoy it." Whatever that meant.

In an act of fake-bullying, he wrapped his hands around my throat to play-choke me. It seemed like it was supposed to be like Homer and Bart Simpson, but it was much slower than that, and he whispered closely, "Is this okay? I can k*ll you, huh?" -- His humor was always weird, and the fake-bully thing was an ongoing inside joke, but this felt a little ... intimate.

As a teen with raging hormones, I hate to say that it unlocked a new kink for me.

At a neighborhood party, he offered to crack peoples' backs, and cracked mine, standing behind me, lifting me up and leaning me backwards onto him (like this.)

Later on, looking through his personal bookshelf, I stumbled upon Lolita. I picked it up, but he snatched it out of my hands and told me I shouldn't read it.

Eventually, I graduated and I wrote him silly love poems at the end of the year. I told him I loved him, and he said it back, though he probably meant it differently.

At the time, I made jokes with my friends about him being a creep but it genuinely felt like my flirting was being reciprocated. In a way, a part of me still recognized that it was not normal and inappropriate, even though it thrilled me.

He was so important to me, and I leaned on him for so much. He grew incredibly distant after I graduated, he got married and had kids and was busy all the time. I felt like I needed him, but I also felt like I was intruding. He always had a thoughtful response to my emails, and continued giving me great advice well into my 20s, but he felt so far away. If we were so fated to become friends like he said we were, then why weren’t we anymore?

Eventually, I decided to "break up," because I felt like I was stuck. I felt like a weirdo for leaning on him for way too long, and I felt like I was too old for it. I guess it was really confusing, feeling so close and so intimate, to becoming strangers who dropped in via sporadic emails. I kind of felt crazy, as if I made it all up in my head. Like I wasn't as important to him as I had originally thought, and maybe I'd read way too deep into everything that happened because I wanted to see reciprocation. My biggest fear was that I was coming off like a creep or a delusional stalker who couldn't grow up.

But I know that all of these things happened because I am a data hoarder, and I have kept AIM logs dating back to the late 2000s. Every time something "significant" happened between us, I gushed about it in excitement to my friends. Conversations like, "OMG you'll never guess what happened today, Mr J SAT ON MY LAP because we fought over a chair lol!"

And I doubt he remembers any of it, or the impact it had on me and why.

I've gone over it endless times, trying to figure out if he was a good guy or a bad guy, and maybe I'm still not sure. I definitely think he had some poor judgement.

As I got older, it messed with my taste in men. I chased similar dynamics and found myself in seedy situations. And some consider it gr**ming, but is it really gr**ming when nothing explicitly happened? It was just a bizarre grey area that faded away. Some have told me it was, but what I'm stuck on is- What was the point then? If it never went anywhere and my advances were shut down, what was it all for? But I guess this is a question that no one really has the answer to and I'll have to figure out how to be content with that.

Can a man in his late 20s truly befriend a teenager in a way that is completely wholesome and pure? Does a teacher’s care and empathy extend that much? As a 28 year old, the same age he was, I just feel like a big dumb kid now. Maybe he did too.

But anyway, this came up because he moved into a neighborhood that my family frequents, and something about the possibility of running into him again makes me wonder whether he would be attracted to me now. I'm not sure why I would even want to know. I think for a really long time, I believed that if we had been born in the same generation, he would have been able to like me back. If I were to run into him, maybe I could put it to the test, even though I don't feel anything for him anymore. I don't know.

Outside perspectives welcome, I feel like my lens are fogged when looking back on it.

Part of me will always appreciate that he was a prominent adult figure in my life for a good chunk of it, who genuinely guided me through tough times.

Another part of me resents him because I chased that dynamic for so many years, and I ended up being taken advantage of by some malicious older men.

The rest of me just wonders.

I read what I wrote down over and over, and every time, I change my mind about it. "He was just stupid and young, in his first teaching job, intoxicated by flattery and he had a stupid sense of humor," VS. "He was a perv," back and forth. One thing is certain, he should have drawn better lines. The intent, I'm still fuzzy about. Maybe it's denial, or stockholm syndrome.

[itspronouncedtessa]

CW: suicide mention, suicidal ideation

It's Suicide Awareness/Prevention Month.

Suicide rates among autistic people are very high and 60% of autistics have reportedly considered suicide. It is one of the main reasons we, on average, tend to die young.

I want to talk about this, bluntly and openly. This is not just a personal story, I do have tips at the end. Note that what follows is aimed at autistic people like myself.

Also:

If you are (actively or not) considering suicide, please seek help.

I am suicidal. Not actively at this time, but I am always, and have been since my teens, at some level of suicidal. I've made 3 actual attempts, came very close once.

My brain just goes there. When life gets too big, when my troubles seem insurmountable, that's where I go. And life gets so big, because of my autism. The stress of trying to fit into a society that is almost actively hostile to who I am, that gets me to that edge quite frequently.

I've talked to my therapist about this. Often I don't actually want to die, I just want out for a bit. I want to not exist. And suicide seems like the only option. I've joked to him quite often that just a little coma every 6 months would do me so much good.

While my autism is the underlying factor for my suicidal ideation, I also think it's my rescue. My analytical side looks on, telling me I don't want to be dead, I just want to take a break. I can distance myself from my emotions and go "this is why you want to die, maybe let's look into fixing that". I've practiced this over the years. I've turned my fantasies of dying into fantasies of running away. And I've practiced going "oh, you need rest, let's go into recuperation mode"

Don't get me wrong, it's not all as simple as *minor inconvenience* -> 'I should kill myself' -> 'oop, guess I'm tired, time for a nap'. The thoughts are still severe, insidious, vile and very real. They build up over time until they become almost unbearable and it takes work to recognize them for what they are.

It's the hiding away from and with suicidal thoughts that gives them power. Dealing with these feelings in secret makes them so much larger than they need to be. Accepting them, sharing them, analyzing them robs them of that power and provides an opportunity to neutralize them.

Some things my experience has taught me that might help you too:

suicidal thoughts are common (among autistic people) and nothing to be ashamed of

check with yourself if you actually want to die or if you just want to not exist for a bit. There is a difference.

be compassionate with yourself. This goes back to my first point: let go of the shame surrounding feeling suicidal

relax. Don't be fooled by NTs for whom suicidal thoughts are a BIG DEAL. If to you (like to me) feeling suicidal is like a regular Tuesday, treat it as such. Go "huh, I'm suicidal again, must be time to take some more rest" rather than the DEFCON2 NTs would expect. Going "OMG OMG I'm suicidal, this is terrible, see how useless I am, I'm a bad person for feeling this way" is the opposite of helpful.

knowing and accepting that suicidal thoughts are something that occasionally happens to you, takes the stigma away and helps you find what you actually need. I promise what you need is *not* the sweet relief of death.

Take care of yourself. You're far from the only one who has these thoughts. It is completely understandable that you have these thoughts. These thoughts are not a reason to panic. When they come, take a break. Just not a permanent one, okay?

[petitelepus]

Hi! I'd love a yandere TFP matchup (preferably a con but bots are fine too!) ✨

I don't talk much, unless there's a topic I'm knowledgeable or interested in. But I do like listening to people who are willing to share their passions with me. I'm mostly introverted and half the time I'll have my headphones with me. I'm kind of all over the place with my interests and how I spend my time - but I'm mostly interest in drawing and world building, so learning and exchanging things about cultures (both those on Earth and on Cybertron would be every exciting to me!). My main love language is physical touch and I will cling to the people I love. I like engrossing myself in strategy or RPG games like Heroes of Might and Magic (3 and 5) or the Elder Scrolls. I will devour all of the lore in high-fantasy books and games and I can talk for hours about them.

I also like speculative biology and zoology in general. I'm transmasc and use he/him or they/them pronouns. I'm also a witch who works with fire and someone who values conversations on deep, often emotional or philosophical topics. If I trust a person, I will not hide my emotions and speak openly about them. My favourite colour is black and I have many pets - mostly lizards along with a bunny and a dog. I also like to explore a lot, even if I don't get to go outdoors much. I can not resist the siren call of the horizon.

My biggest flaw is that I'm a bit lazy and erratic along with the tendency to isolate myself as an excuse for "not being a burden". I worry a lot about being abandoned.

P.S: Your writing is lovely, whether it be for transformers or not! <3

Vehicons are Yandere for you!

These loyal Decepticon warriors are infatuated with you. You're cute for a human and they are Cons and Cons take what rightfully belongs to them. Megatron will conquer Earth, it's just a matter of time so why not save that one single thing they like on Earth? You!

They aren't allowed to have many pleasures so when they ask Megatron or Starscream if they could have you, the Decepticon leader or commander give you up easily, mainly because they don't see what the Vehicons see. That's their loss.

They are interested in anything and everything you do and when you show interest in their culture, they are eager to share it with you.

It's up to you to teach them about these games you like and once they get a hang of them they are eager to play with you.

They have only one mission, to obey their ruler so if you start building your own fantasy world and tell them that they can be anything they want to be then you have earned their love. You can with simple actions separate them from each other so they aren't simple copies of each other.

The Vehicons aren't from Earth so if you showed them the creatures from speculative biology or zoology, they wouldn't question you, they would honestly believe that these interesting creatures existed.

They honor your pronounces because they are important to you and they want you to be happy. If you're happy, you have no reason to try and leave them!

You aren't and never will be a burden to them and they will never abandon you. Pit, Starscream brings them much more trouble than you could ever bring them.

You can be as lazy as you want because these Cons will bring you anything you desire, was it food, drinks, treats, books, games, or even your animals (Yes, they will kidnap them for you). You can have it all, except freedom.

[bard-like]

a ramble about sexuality and gender envy that weighs on my chest

there's a conversation I didn't get to finish that haunts me

because I felt like out the gate I was rejected by a person I thought would accept me, never as a partner, simply as two people walking the same path - just as we always were

quick to pull a trigger on me because of who I am, but completely ignorant of where I came from

I'm a cis guy who had no trouble wearing things meant for women I'm a cis guy who always hated his body for different reasons I'm a cis guy who wanted to be like the people weren't afraid to be who they wanted to be

for a moment I thought I knew what kind of person I wanted to be

I thought if I talked higher, chose kindness, gave my support to whoever needed it, never put myself above anyone, and walked on my own path to improvement, I could be that person, a Cute Person

but their answer was to "wear accessories and cuff my sleeves"

it wasn't about Being cuter I had to Look cuter to be cute

in this body that can't be cute

so how did I want that conversation to finish?

it's that that Author could have been like me - stuck in the box of someone straight and playing by the rules of their part, but as age and experience piled on, the appeal of other genders started to weigh in. the realization that I've always been open to anyone.

I wasn't "stuck in a closet". I always went in and out as I pleased.

and slowly, the world became a walk-in. I was in communities where it was so much more vibrant. I wanted to join in. I wanted out of the usual box.

but my body wouldn't let me. my hair, my shoulders, my voice, my junk all of these things made me different from the person I wanted to be and made me the same as the dime a dozen as the communities became more open openly hating men openly sexualizing each other openly demoralizing and openly preferring this white-washed skinny-only purity that turns my stomach

it's like I've lost my thirst for people the moment I started questioning my gender was the moment I started worrying about what people thought I'd call myself asexual but my track record doesn't prove it I'd call myself pansexual but my track record doesn't prove it

I can't prove it I know I shouldn't have to but there's this box I can't escape what's it gonna take? do I have to transition? do I have to show off a gay relationship?

I don't want to be a thirsty trans girl I don't want to be a man-hating woman I don't want to be a stereotypical gay

I want to be me. I want to be gay. I want to be friends with everyone. I want nothing to do with anyone else's junk. I still want to be cute. I want to do cute things. I want to be hugged. I want to play. I want to make cool stories. I want people to like my stories.

I want to be me without this body. I want you to know me by my words and actions and tales, not what I look and sound like.

that person and I were very similar people. but the people around them defined how what box they put me in. and it just felt so unfair.

I'm gay too. I want a different gender too. I wanted what you could do and what you could have and I wanted to be alongside you. but it was painfully clear that I couldn't fit into your box and you had no interest in seeing what was actually in mine it's not my body or my voice or my face it's my dreams and the pictures in my head that I want to share

the disembodied me is the me I prefer and I want to share it so badly

[archiveikemen]

Abe no Yasuchika Main Story — Chapter 15

This is a fan-made translation solely for entertainment purposes with no guaranteed perfection; expect mistakes, grammatical errors, and some creative liberties. All original content and media used belongs to Cybird. Please support the game by buying their stories and playing their games. Reblogs appreciated.

Read this before interacting┊aikm’s Genjiden Glossary

He pushed my shoulder, causing me to stumble backwards and my back hit the door.

I ducked my head in fear when I realized I couldn't escape.

Yasuchika: You naughty girl.

Yasuchika: Since you're so desperate to find out more about me, why don't I personally share about myself with you?

Yasuchika: After all, you might never be able to return to the Shogunate.

(Does he know… what I was investigating?)

(Relax, Yuno. Don't panic.)

I took a deep breath and smiled.

Yuno: I have not the slightest idea what you're talking about. Is something wrong, Yasuchika-san?

Yasuchika: …

(Yoritomo-sama, this is fine… right?)

I recalled a conversation I had with Yoritomo-sama.

== Flashback Start ==

It was on the day I met up with Yoritomo-sama to report to him about my investigations in the mansion…

Yoritomo: Listen carefully. There is a high chance that Yasuchika is already suspicious of us.

Yuno: Um… that doesn't sound good.

Yoritomo: Whether good or bad, there has been a lot going on in the Imperial Court.

Yoritomo: As long as we don’t openly confront them about those, they will keep quiet in order to avoid causing a scene.

Yuno: Is that so…

Yoritomo: If they're up to no good, it means that they could be planning something that involves the war between the Shogunate and the Rebels.

Yoritomo: But since you’re part of the Shogunate, you can’t interfere with that either. So you can just take it easy.

Yuno: That's a relief to hear… although it's impossible for me to take things easy.

Yoritomo: We will pretend to behave as we usually do, but in our hearts we know that we are fooling them.

Yuno: Fool them… can I do that?

Yoritomo: Absolutely not.

(He didn't even hesitate!)

Yuno: Can you at least pretend to hesitate a little before straight up rejecting me…

Yoritomo: Letting you deal with Yasuchika directly without a solid plan is too dangerous.

Yoritomo: I only want you to remember one thing.

Yuno: What is it…?

Yoritomo: Smile.

(... Smile?)

Yoritomo: Basically, it means… “I’m not going to surrender to your threats, but I don't want to hurt you either.”

Yoritomo: He will know what your smile means if he reads between the lines.

Yoritomo: At this moment, the Imperial Court has yet to reach the point where they can simply get rid of you. So that should be enough to keep you out of trouble.

== Flashback End ==

Yasuchika: … Right. If you’re clueless, that means I was just overthinking.

(... I think I can go with the excuse that it was a coincidence that I witnessed what happened just now.)

Yasuchika: Well then, did it surprise you to see something like that?

Yuno: Yeah… it did.

Yuno: I always thought that the art of Onmyō magic was a graceful power used to help people. So, why?

Yasuchika: You want to know why I’m using it to do evil deeds?

Yuno: … Yes.

Yasuchika: I receive countless requests from court nobles to help them defeat their political opponents using black magic.

Yasuchika: Usually, I’d turn them all down. But recently… I just thought it's not a bad idea.

Yasuchika: Ayakashi want to harm humans. Humans want to harm one another. They're the same thing, don't you think?

Yuno: What about the victim…?

Yasuchika: I’ll interfere if things get too messy.

Yasuchika: But I don't really see why I should involve myself in a fight between people who take advantage of their political positions to fill their pockets and the spirits of the mountains and rivers.

I couldn't tell what I was feeling at that moment. Was it anger? Or sorrow?

I clenched my fists tightly and forced back my tears.

(I don't know whether black magic has anything to do with the Imperial Court’s plan, but I can’t keep silent about this.)

Yuno: … Then, what about you? What do you think about all this?

Yasuchika: Hm?

Yuno: Back in the garden at the castle in Kamakura, you showed me your Onmyō powers.

Yuno: You told me that you invented that spell when you were a child to make it look like there were stars glowing everywhere in the dark night sky…

Yuno: Do you really want to use black magic to hurt people?

Yasuchika: …

Yuno: You’re capable of such beautiful things.

Yasuchika: Pretty things are of no use.

After a stifling moment of silence, Yasuchika-san lifted a corner of his lips.

Yasuchika: Onmyō magic is the work of human beings, it’s no miracle.

Yasuchika: Unlike the kind of powers Ayakashi have, we have many restrictions. The more powerful we become, the greater the price we have to pay.

Those words were like poison to my heart.

Yasuchika: We could sacrifice a bone, a piece of flesh… or more than that.

Yasuchika: But for a goal we’re willing to even go down on our hands and knees for… it's only a tiny price to pay.

(What’s making him want to go to such extremes?)

Yuno: What is your goal…?

Yasuchika: Well.

Yuno: Is it for Akihito-sama?

Even though I stepped closer to him, I couldn't see any hints of discomposure in his face.

Yasuchika: If you want to go that deep into my heart, you’re going to have to pay for it.

Yuno: What’s the price?

Yasuchika: For example, I could get in the way of your plans.

Yasuchika: How about I stop you from participating in the war and helping the Shogunate?

Yuno: … No way.

Yasuchika: You can't do that?

Yasuchika: Then I’m done talking.

(— He’s cornering me.)

Yasuchika: The two of us live in completely different worlds, and see different things.

Yasuchika: Don’t you think it's better for you to avoid dealing with people like me?

Yuno: I…

Yuno: I’m going to be your assistant until the day I return to Kamakura.

(Even though you’re on the enemy’s side, my desire to understand you is genuine.)

Yuno: Is it wrong for me to look up to someone who lives in a different world from mine, and want to understand him?

Yasuchika: … Yuno-san.

Overwhelmed by emotions, my voice grew hoarse.

Yuno: Despite spending so much time with you already, I still don't know a lot about you.

Yuno: But… just because I don't understand someone, it doesn't mean that I can't like them.

Yasuchika: …

(I’m well aware that what I’m saying right now could be dangerous.)

I bravely looked straight into Yasuchika-san's eyes.

Yuno: — Please excuse me.

Yasuchika-san didn't stop me when I opened the door and left.

After Yuno left…

Yasuchika: …

After standing still for a while, Yasuchika placed a hand over his chest.

Yasuchika: It's all in my head.

Ibuki: What's all in your head?

Yasuchika: …!

Yasuchika frowned at Ibuki, who entered the room through the open door.

Yasuchika: What are you talking about?

Ibuki: I was surprised to hear that. I just happened to be passing through the corridor when I came across a crying Yuno, it made me hesitate to mess with her.

Ibuki: It was worth my effort coming in here to see that stupid look you have on your face.

Yasuchika: I wonder how the hell have you been alive for 1200 years but still have nothing better to do for entertainment apart from mocking others.

Ibuki: People like you are the ones keeping me entertained.

Ibuki: So— what’s the matter, Yasuchika?

Ibuki gleefully directed his gaze toward Yasuchika's hand.

Ibuki: I’m going to laugh my ass off if you tell me Yuno stabbed you in the chest because you went overboard.

Yasuchika: Like hell I’ll do such a thing.

Yasuchika: But…

Ibuki: But…?

Yasuchika mumbled reluctantly.

Yasuchika: I don't know what it is… it's like there's something in here… and it hurts.

Ibuki: …

Yasuchika: What's with that face?

Ibuki: — Nevermind.

Ibuki shrugged. He seemed to have changed his mind after wanting to say something.

Ibuki: Maybe it’s an eel bone that got stuck again.

Yasuchika: Huh? What the hell are you saying?

Ibuki: When you were a kid, I was kind enough to feed you the best eels I could find. But you made a fuss about it, remember?

Yasuchika: You knew I hated them, and yet you kept using them to pester me.

Ibuki: Even a man who would break his own fingers without a second thought can say such weak things just because he choked on an eel’s bone one time.

Yasuchika: Those are two completely unrelated things. This is why you demons don't get human emotions.

Ibuki: — At least I have a more “human” interpretation of what could be happening to your heart than you can ever come up with.

Yasuchika: …? Come what now?

Ibuki: Nothing.

Ibuki pretended he didn't mutter those words under his breath.

...

The day before the meeting Doman mentioned…

(Yoritomo-sama mentioned that Yasuchika-san could be trying to forcefully gain control of the Imperial Court’s internal affairs.)

I had already reported to Yoritomo-sama regarding Yasuchika-san’s usage of black magic.

As I was strolling through the garden in between my errands, I recalled a past conversation.

(By providing the court noble with black magic, he will defeat all his political opponents. Then Yasuchika-san will take advantage of it and force that court noble to join his side, and change the balance of power in the Imperial Court in his favor…)

(Is that what Yasuchika-san is trying to do?)

(If that is the method that will give him results in the shortest amount of time… I can see why he chose to do it.)

Ibuki: Got something on your mind?

Yuno: Oh, Ibuki.

Ever since then— I had been spending time with Yasuchika-san and the others as usual, although that was what it looked like on the surface.

I looked down at the baggage he was carrying.

Yuno: Are you headed somewhere?

Ibuki: There's going to be a festival tonight, so I thought I’d stay outside Kyōto.

Yuno: During the festival, all the Onmyōji will be working together to perform a ritual to reinstall the magic barriers surrounding Kyōto, right?

Yuno: Considering it’s a large-scale ritual, I thought you would stay behind to help Yasuchika-san.

Ibuki: Unfortunately, my presence will only get in their way.

(Get in their way?)

Akihito: Yuno. Ibuki.

Yuno: Akihito-sama!

I bowed when I saw Akihito-sama walking towards us.

Ibuki: Oh, Akihito. Are you going to tonight's festival?

Akihito: I won’t get in its way, but I won’t be of much help either.

Akihito: I have some business to attend to outside Kyoto, so I won’t be going to the festival.

(I see…)

(If Yasuchika-san were to make use of the Imperial Court to backstab the Shogunate, what roles would the two of them play?)

(Of course, they’d be involved in the planning process.)

— The Shogunate has been looking into the backgrounds of Akihito-sama and Ibuki, but they haven't found anything so far.

Akihito: Yuno, are you going to assist Yasuchika?

Yuno: I’ll help out a little with the preparations for the ritual.

Yuno: Since I can’t help him with the ritual itself, I guess I’ll just stick around to watch what happens.

Akihito: It’s a grand-scale festival, you should take the chance to enjoy the beauty of Kyōto.

Ibuki: Don’t get lost, yeah?

Yuno: I’m a grown woman!

(How I wish… all suspicions will be cleared up and we can laugh together like this again.)

My heart ached because I truly enjoyed our friendly chats.

...

As night fell, the festive lights in town lit up.

(The festival is so lively!)

After walking around the night market for a while, I moved away from the crowd to take a break…

Woman: Excuse me! By any chance, have you seen a lonely little boy around?

Woman: His kimono has green dye patterns on it.

Yuno: I don't think so… is he missing?

Woman: Yes, he vanished the moment I took my eyes off him… I wonder where he went.

Watching the mother panic made me feel bad for her.

Yuno: If you want, I can help you look for him. I’ll take him to you if I find him.

Woman: Oh, um… will that really be okay with you?

Yuno: It's dangerous for young children to wander off by themselves.

I made an appointment with the mother to meet up in a few hours, and left to search elsewhere for the missing boy.

…

Yuno: Hm… it's so hard to look for someone here.

(I ended up in a place where there's not a single person in sight.)

Suddenly, a fog surrounded me and made me feel uneasy.

(Yasuchika-san should be in the middle of performing the ritual now, right?)

I couldn't help but smile wryly at the way Yasuchika-san was the first person I thought of in such a situation.

At that moment —

I heard the faint jingling of bells amidst the thick fog.

(There’s something up ahead… oh!)

An old makeshift shrine came into view.

A group of people dressed in white and carrying parasols were walking around it in a procession.

(That shrine looks kind of strange. And why are they dressed in white when there's a festival going on?)

(I had a bad feeling about going somewhere outside the main town like this…)

I got the creeps and hid in the shadows when…

A strong gust of wind blew away one of the parasols in the procession.

(Ah.)

Ayakashi 1: This is useless.

The face that was previously hidden by the parasol had only one eye.

Yuno: …. Ggh…

I crouched down and tried to stop myself from screaming.

(Could it be that… everyone in that procession… is an Ayakashi!?)

Ayakashi 2: I’m hungry.

Ayakashi 3: Doman-dono, you told us that we would have humans to feed on.

Ayakashi 4: Eat. Eat. Eat.

(Those Ayakashi are the work of Ashiya Doman!?)

(There's too many of them… I need to hide.)

Ayakashi 5: It is just as you said, Doman-dono. All the Onmyoji in the capital, with the exception of one, are a bunch of idiots.

(That “one” is referring to Yasuchika-san, right? And Doman is involved again…?)

Ayakashi 6: It was so easy to fool them all.

Ayakashi 7: After tonight, Kyoto will belong to the Ayakashi.

Ayakashi 8: That's right, there’s even a festival tonight.

Ayakashi 9: Our festival!

Ayakashi 10: Hold on.

The procession that had been going on as they spoke, suddenly stopped.

(Eh?)

Ayakashi 10: I smell a human being nearby.

Yuno: …!

(Was I discovered!? What should I do—)

Right when I was about to run for my life…

Child: Uwaaaaaahhhh…!

(A child…?)

One of the Ayakashi picked up a small child from behind the bushes.

Child: Let go of me! Mommy…!

(A kimono with green dye patterns! This is the little boy I’m looking for…)

Ayakashi 10: It’s a human child. Let’s eat him.

Ayakashi 11: Count me in! I want to eat too!

Ayakashi 12: Give me one of those pretty little eyeballs.

Child: Ueee… someone… save me…

(... Darn it, I can't just leave him alone.)

Ignoring my fear, I sprinted towards them.

Yuno: Take your filthy hands off that child!

All Ayakashi: …!

I snatched the little boy away and held him tightly.

Ayakashi 13: This woman…! That's my prey!

Child: B-Big sis… who are you…?

Yuno: Run!

I pulled his little hand and started running.

All Ayakashi: Hey!

(Kyaa!?)

My body was shoved from behind by an invisible force, causing me to fall forward.

Child: Onee-san!

Yuno: Don't stop! Run!

I pushed the little boy’s back to urge him to run, then turned around and raised my palm at the Ayakashi.

Yuno: Powers of the Nine Tailed Fox — take away their powers!

An invisible attack from one of the Ayakashi sliced through the air.

But a golden mist rose from the ground and absorbed its powers with every attack.

Ayakashi 14: What the hell!? Who is this woman—

(That child must escape to safety. I need to hold them back…!)

I scolded my legs for trembling.

Yuno: Just a little more…

(... Fortunately, I have some experience in dealing with Ayakashi. Thanks to Yasuchika-san.)

I felt the burning in my palm and stared straight ahead.

(If only Yasuchika-san were here.)

But I knew that was too much to wish for.

(I'm suspicious of Yasuchika-san, and he’s aware of that… we don't have the kind of relationship whereby I can call him for help.)

Ayakashi 15: This lowly human being is so arrogant!

Ayakashi 16: We can get rid of her fast if all of us attack her at once.

(... Uh oh.)

Tossing aside their parasols, all the Ayakashi approached me at the same time.

(Is this the end of me?)

I was beginning to lose all hope, but then—

Yasuchika: — Looks like it's not only humans who tend to get too carried away during festivals.

Yuno: Yasuchika-san!

A revoltingly reassuring voice sounded out. Yasuchika-san was standing right next to me.

(Why is he here…?)

Yasuchika: … You need to quit being so reckless.

Yasuchika: I seriously can’t take my eyes off you for even a second.

Yuno: You really came to save me…

I felt a warm hand on my head when I was about to burst into tears.

Yasuchika: You did a good job hanging on by yourself so far. Good girl.

[spikeinthepunch]

i really wanna pull back to my website. i think i lost track of my initial "personal website" hype as at the time, while i was all excited to get on it and did have fun, i wasnt in a great place? mainly in terms of having a social circle online. which i think is important to think about. social media pulls you in by the interaction- quick ability to chat, pass around posts with rts or rbs, like them. the reason many get stuck to it is because of that- you want interactions. especially as an artist or any creator you are likely posting with the intent of gaining an audience. and so looking for validation in the form of interaction is common.

this is 100% something i fall into. and even more so, i have lacked a circle of people to call friends online esp after my rp. i have mutuals. mutuals who are all lovely! but lets be real, how many of you do i talk to in PMs or on discord?? probably 1% of you, and its no problem with you.... i just find it harder to connect online than ever before. unless i get overly passionate with mutuals i have strong interests with, and more of them go out of their way to openly interact (talking on reblogs, replying on posts), its unlikely i will figure out how to connect either. aside from it potentially being my problem, i do think social media normalizes 'passive interaction'. a simple reblog and nothing more, quiet tags in a post, just a like, never sending asks (or doing so on anon).

back when i wass 10-14 online, it seemed easy. i think when youre younger there is more excitement to have online friends, and kids can often be just... more boisterous online as its a space where you can be yourself for real. i never stopped being myself online, i just find myself tired, busy, or having trouble engaging with exciting fandoms like i used to because im aware of how toxic some can be. so it wasnt until late last year where the ball started rolling- i started actually making connections with people through single-malt-sctoch esp after some joined my mc server. majority were from my sideblog and thus enjoyed that fandom. suddenly it was like i was back in mindcrack from my earliest days on tumblr. id never gained such an active group of mutual connections, and thus friends.

thats what i realized i was missing in order to purely dive into the personal website life i think. if i were to go off to my website and have no friends then im just isolated, or pulled back to social media in order to feed myself with social interactions (which direct one are far and few in between- usually still just rt's, likes, etc which arent actually satisfying in the end) . of course i will still be here sharing my art, esp for the sideblog i am actively making stuff for. and ill still attempt things like youtube etc and share projects! but it helped to realize not being able to have friends i could contact in places like discord was making it hard for me to focus on the site. of course i want to socialize, but it is hard to do so when you cant make obvious connections, and as hard as it was trying to step into actually gaining more than just mutuals, its happened and i really want to utilize that.

[selenelovemoon]

Introduction to this Blog and Mental Health in this world

Feels kind of self-centered and weird to be writing about myself like this, but then again I do feel like I'm pretty cool.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. Hi. I'm Selene. Not to spout a ''woe is me'' but I have been through a lot of bullsh*t. There are a lot of things that have happened in my life that have made it hard for me to function in society. And I started to think, that surely I'm not alone? There are other people out there going through worse things than me, things of the exact nature, or just all-around terrible sh*t. Hence why I created this blog. A lot of times, as things were happening to me I would look for help. I sought a genuine connection. I had friends, so that was my first option, I would talk to them, say I'm not doing well and basically uttered a cry for help to them. Unfortunately, the most I got out of it is a ''I'm here for you'' without actually getting any help? There was no affection. There was no support. Just a statement that they would support me. When this happened with my closest friend, it hurt. A lot. However, I kept asking every single friend I had for help, but none of them offered any actual help.

So you know, I was devastated. But that's not the thing that bothered me the most. After recovering from the sadness surrounding these events I sat and pondered why no one is willing to open their heart. Because that's one thing about me, I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I am openly emotional and I sincerely look for connection. Yet no one I met or had known was willing to just be a human to the fullest. Each and every person would never tell me their troubles, they all acted as if they didn't have any negative experiences or emotions. It's not like I met these people and tried to be their therapist. It was after months of friendship. They would simply act as if it's normal to bottle everything up. Play a role society wants them to play. I had never felt like this. I couldn't comprehend it. So I tried to. I looked up journals, and I searched the world wide web.

''Why are people so scared to be emotional?''

And what I found was weirdly devastating.

A lot of the sources I found informed me, but some I found to be a little too shortsighted. However, a reoccurring theme was that people fear the consequences of being seen and heard because they had been through traumatic events within their lifetime. These occurrences are what they used as evidence that they should be afraid to be themselves. As to protect themselves. I mean, this made sense to me because I had been through the same. But I didn't use it in that way. What baffled me is that I had met dozens of people and tried to connect with them and they all shared this same trait. So how come? Is everyone traumatized to an extent? I am not a scholar. I am not an academic. But my answer is yes. The way the system is set up inherently traumatizes people.

Men are told to ''man up''. Women must fit a certain role, dress a certain way, all-around look a certain way. You're told these things as a child. You're told what to do. There is nothing wrong with order. There is nothing wrong with having a system. I am not going to get into politics here, but one SIGNIFICANT and PREVALENT issue that the current system has is that we ARE TOLD HOW TO FEEL. No matter how girl boss slay queen you think you are, you have emotions, and you will never fully be content unless you feel those emotions. Unless you feel heard.

In this system you are not heard, you are told to figure it out. You are told to just go to therapy and fix it. If you're depressed, you're a freak and should keep it to yourself. Are you an inherently anxious person? Stop being so weird and on edge! Just relax! That's the attitude the current system promotes.

''Figure it out''.

I could keep ranting on. I could keep going. I have a lot more to say. I have a lot of lived experiences. I have seen a lot of people go through the worst possible events because of how little people cared because they were culturally programmed not to. The entire point I'm making is, that I want to, even if no one sees my posts, advocate for better mental health awareness, share my lived experiences, and make it so someone out there feels heard. So someone out there knows that they're not alone. I pulled myself out of the gutter. I did all the things necessary to go from suicidal to functioning and content. But I still see the same things that happened to me happen to kids and adults all around me. And I'm worried. I don't pretend to be some guru, some all-knowing woman who has seen it all. I just hope that I can help someone somewhere. And honestly, I need a place to vent.