#me and my awful perception of time
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I've been having fun dipping into martin's perspective lately... it's helping me flesh out my interpretation of him and he never fails to be suffering tremendously in a way that is excellent to write
#whenever I get to mention pax from his pov I go HEEHEEHOOHOO like a giggling little beast of a child#their dynamic is. so fucked up kind of. but in a subtle enough way that pax#(who routinely addresses traumatised middle aged men's sad little angst moments by giving them stolen food)#(and does not know any other way to cope with anything ever)#doesn't ever really register it#but martin spends the whole time going 'oh god oh fuck jesus fucking christ that is a small child. and that is a horse.'#'and I am going to cope by projecting onto the horse. and I am in a very cold mountain house. and this is hell. fuck.'#'and we sent the small child into actual hell. again. and she's way too excited about this. and nobody has any concerns.'#'and the child is threatening to die for me. uncomfortably common as of late. and all I can do to protect the child#is keep my sad middle aged angst in my head. and hope that he doesn't actually die. fuck. everything is awful'#and pax is not perceptive enough to realise just how much he's holding back in an effort to shield them from the only thing he can (himself#and then they die (more or less) and nothing is ever resolved! the end!!!#someone talk to me about them I love them so much. blease and thank you#oc tag#pax#martin septim
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Don't know whether it's a product of my upbringing or just part of who I am, but I really do tend to shrug off things that seem to send others into massive guilt spirals. Like, what's the point? Either you meant to do it or you didn't. If you meant to do it but regret it now, make what amends you can & resolve to do better, then move on. If you didn't mean to, be honest about it, apologize if need be, & try to do better. Then move on.
Beating yourself up truly serves no purpose. What are we, catholic? If there is a god, I truly don't think they'd care, anyways
#speculation nation#religion might have some part in it. i was taught a flavor of christianity that portrayed god as loving above all else.#portrayed god as *forgiving*. thats the point of jesus dying on the cross? forgiving your sins?#i was taught that so long as you tried to do good and believed in god then you would go to heaven.#none of that internalized guilt shit. it really serves no purpose.#this could potentially stem from prior abuse too. in which case. well. i hope people can break out of those patterns of thought. sincerely.#i have a history with abuse but idk ive run under a 'fuck those people' mentality. why should i run by the way they treated me?? genuinely.#no one person is singularly horrible and irredeemable. no not even you.#youre your harshest critic. you have front row seats to all ur nasty thoughts. things that most people dont say out loud.#everyone has nasty thoughts though. some more than others. but what matters is what you *do*. not what you think.#no one is gonna know any mean or awful thoughts you have if you dont tell them. thought crimes arent real. what matters is what you *do*.#and even for the things you do wrong. everyone makes mistakes. just work to do better next time.#genuinely makes me so sad to see polls asking about ppl's self perceptions & seeing majority of ppl so down on themselves.#like come on. i used to think i was an awful person bc i knew all the mean and kind of manipulative things id think.#but eventually i recognized that no one is perfect and everyone has ugly thoughts. just do your best to do good & learn from your mistakes.#if you do that much then youre a well-meaning human being. not perfect but no one is. that should be enough.#maybe if i exhibit enough of my 'idgaf' attitude about this kind of thing i can influence some other ppl with it as well. 🤔🤔 hmmm
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havin a normal one 👍
#do u ever see ur irl friends hanging out w each other and get jealous bc u weren’t invited even tho u probably wouldn’t have enjoyed#the activity they are doing#god it’s always fucking like this. ive always fucking felt this since i was a kid and I thought it was better now that i had better friends#but apparently not#ive gotten better at initiating but fuck why do i always have to do it#i still need to improve a lot but man why the fuck can’t i just have people who want me around and make an effort to make me feel that way#im trying and its so fucking difficult to break this routine ive set and i know i need to try harder#but fucking god#it really doesn’t help that i have this notion that everyone hates me bc there is something fundamentally wrong w me#and i know im overreacting and my friends do not hate me#and that there isn’t anything so terrible that it would make every person I meet hate me#but sometimes when no one makes the effort towards you it’s hard to see that#it’s also awful bc it seems like the few times they do reach out abt something it’s last minute and i can’t prepare for it appropriately#so i end up rejecting the offer#and it seems like whenever i can’t make it onve i never get asked again#idk i hope im just being dramatic and my chronic loneliness is coloring my perception#anyway. i think i have therapy next week so.
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These bad takes on why Blitz is the worst person ever and Stolas is perfect lil bby who did nothing wrong ever are slowly killing me lol
#help I'm feral over this show I've binged like 4 times in a row in the last week lol#neither of them is to 'blame'#they both have reasons they are acting the way they did#and pretending that stolas didn't feed into blitz's perception of their relationship early in season 1 is just ignoring half the show lol#like I get it I also feel just awful for stolas#like look my way makes me SOB and just UGH their whole thing rips my heart out#but to be mad at Blitz who through a lifetime of trauma has convinced himself he's unloveable#and has been called an 'impish plaything' by this same demon professing love to him now#and saw him look embarrassed (which blitz interprets to be as embarrassed by him) at ozzies#and just UGH#of course he reacted the way he did#and once he realized he hurt stolas wanted to start trying to fix it#I just FUCK#it's so beautifully written and nuanced and people are like 'no fuck blitz he's the worst'#I mean WHAT#sorry#I just#I can't lol
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Lynnie herself is a rockstar. Her life has been so interesting, her career is pretty trailblazing in writing for theater and television - on purpose, she realized she had to write the roles she wanted to play, roles that didn't exist back then - and in her personal life she does wonderful advocacy work and foster care work. She's just a very nice lady. I'm still hunting down files I have saved from years ago but I did find an interview where she said Bea smiled watching tape of her first ep as youngDorothy, and that she thinks Bea knew the reverence she held her in (exact words) and that she always felt Bea was very kind and supportive of her. she also said "let's face it, no matter how old you are if you're a petite blonde people think you're adorable and cute, it's a lot easier in the world than if you're a tall dark girl and someone you have to get to know to not be threatened by" which is a very astute observation as to how Bea was and still is treated compared to certain other people. I've got to travel this week and I've abused your inbox enough but if I find anything else relevant I might come back in a few weeks. happy to have made people happy.
Oh, absolutely!! We've spent some words on her acting so far, but I know she was also a prolific writer and producer. What a queen!! And on top of that wonderful career, she's also a great person in her private life?!? I'm not surprised (kind of gathered it from all we talked about so far!), but still!! Rockstar is the perfect definition!!! Wow!!!
Also not surprised that Bea was kind and supportive of her -- everything I've found out about Bea points to the fact that she was a genuinely sweet, lovely person. It's wonderful that she got to work with someone who admired her so much!! She really deserved all the love and admiration in the world!
I agree. That's a very poignant observation on her part -- especially that 'someone you have to get to know not to be threatened by'. So many people seem to think of Bea as this brash, overbearing commanding type, and she certainly could be, on stage -- but from what I've read, in her private life she was shy and introverted and just a big sweetheart. And I agree that a big part of this disconnect is due to how she appeared to people! I love them both, but the difference in treatment between her and Betty White alone is proof that one's appearance can influence people's opinions much more than we like to admit.
Anon, have a safe trip, and thank you once again for everything you've told me!! Feel free to come back whenever you want! You've really made my month (and, judging from the reblogs, I'm not the only one!!). Thank you so much!
#what an incredible person!! i'm so happy to know more about her now!!!!#idk if i'll ever get to meet her but if i do i'll probably be a bumbling mess lmao. i am in awe!!!#that observation about how beauty stereotypes play into the way people perceive you is very poignant. i've read somewhere that#bea suffered people's perception of her and that she was really very shy#so i hope she was surrounded by people who knew how sweet she actually was!#to be clear: this is not a read on betty white. she was a sweetheart too!! an absolutely delightful person!!!#but it's clear that people find it *easier* to believe she was than they do bea#because she was short and (fake) blonde#and i mean. this kind of stereotype has gradually gone out of fashion in the last couple of decades#but i remember feeling very out of place as a child because i was taller than all my peers and had a serious face#so i can't imagine how much sharper the stereotype must have been back when bea first started acting#anon. i seriously cannot thank you enough for all this. that you took the time to write this down and share it with me (and all of us)!#it's really special to me. thank you!!! you're a rockstar too!!#and have a safe trip!#the golden girls#bea arthur#lynnie greene#ask
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sometimes i miss the ordered structure of living in may 2020 quarantine
attend online class from bed with giant iced coffee
get into discord fight
get into tiktok fight
go for 2 hour walk
call my then best friend now girlfriend until like 5 am
sleep with 6 specific plushies that had the same spot on my bed every night
repeat
#really i also miss feeling free of gendered expectations and perception#and also being 17 because in my brain I make new and better choices and actually value my time as a teenager#!!!#can’t sleep#cybie speaks#isaac posting#also I just associate periods of my life w rly strong sensory experiences#I can taste the exact way I’d make my iced coffee then perfectly 4 years later#and feel the ache in my legs after spending so long walking every day#and yeah#hugging my friend at our drive in graduation after she helped me jump start my moms car#idk I heard a tiktok song from that era and I’m#wishing things were different#I didn’t actually have to be so insane and awful I could have been so normal#at least I met kris#and like that whole friend group#but agh#i was so transparently manipulative and yet also so transparent manipulated#and like why??? what was the reason I could’ve just dicked around on tiktok#fuck#and now I’m about to be a grad student
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been talking w lex and man ngl ive been ragging on lionblaze but i dont really like jayfeather either. hes not worse than lion but hes also just so shitty to dove and ivy and also gets abusive to a literal orphan child and is shitty to the other disabled characters. and i hate how he gets a pass on all that bc “oh he breaks the mould and is funny and its internalized ableism”
#like internalized ableism he outright speaks on and treats brightheart poorly for… thats just ableism#also hes not real hes a reflection of the authors beliefs (and we explicitly know that theyre ableist)#from all the other lessons theyve written#jayfeather is just ‘’the good one’’ bc he gets his sight back at certain moments#im not opposed to asshole protagonists i like them but jay just crosses rhe line to unlikable for me#when he’s literally so shitty to ppl who did nothing to him except mildly annoy him#and also the time he victim blamed and went ‘’tough shit asshole go get your ass kicked again’’ to a teenager being groomed#just bc he had something to gain from it#no one really talks abt how lion and jay were both awful to the sisters#the fanon perception that jay lion and dove are all besties and dove laughs at ivy just isnt true#anyways. the ‘’rolling thunder’’ amv my beloved. love how it paints jay and lion as parallel to hawkfrost#idk if it was intentional given the artist likes them both i think idk but still. yeah#echoed voice
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We’ve had 24 national finals this year – over the past few months I’ve ranked at least the final of every single one, and I’m finishing tonight by looking at the Melodifestivalen finalists!
Smash Into Pieces – Six Feet Under
Loreen – Tattoo
Nordman – Släpp alla sorger
Jon Henrik Fjällgren, Arc North ft. Adam Woods – Where You Are (Sávežan)
Marcus & Martinus – Air
Panetoz – On My Way
Tone Sekelius – Rhythm of my Show
THEOZ – Mer av dig
Mariette – One Day
Maria Sur – Never Give Up
Kiana – Where Did You Go
Paul Rey – Royals
After all the semi-finals I really wasn’t feeling impressed with Melfest this year, but I actually quite like the final in general. Six of my personal DTFs are here, with one (Now I Know) staying in Andra Chansen, and only one (Länge leve livet) failing to make it through a semi. Being Sweden, it’s a given that all these songs are well put together – well produced and very polished.
Two songs in particular stand out to me from this line-up. The first is unsurprisingly the rock track Six Feet Under, which I was very excited by when I heard it! If there’s a rock track at Melfest there’s a solid chance it will be my favourite entry. The stuff that makes it here is generally rather formulaic, never anything experimental, but it’s always decent quality. I found the chorus of Six Feet Under very memorable, and the singer has a fantastic rock vocal – I loved when he belted that top note at the start of the final chorus! I also really enjoyed the cyberpunk aesthetic of the staging.
Then there’s Tattoo. I first want to say that I love how this was staged, it was easily the most exciting and interesting performance to watch. I do also really enjoy it as a song. It’s a catchy piece of dance pop, very well produced even by Sweden’s standards, impactful yet accessible with it’s familiar sounding beat. Loreen elevates it further live, with her powerful, distinct voice, and artistic performance. I don’t enjoy it as much as I love Statements, but it’s a very good entry nonetheless.
Tattoo should win easily tomorrow, it stands head and shoulders above anything else in the contest. I struggle with this one a little, however, because I think if I heard this from someone other than Loreen I’d definitely consider it a notably good pop song, but wouldn’t see it as a potential winner. However, it’s also very hard to separate her from it – her calibre as an artist is undeniable. I don’t know if this is winning Eurovision, but I think it’s fair to consider it. Of course, until tomorrow we don’t know for certain that she’s going, I’d be very intrigued if someone else did manage to beat her and get the ticket to Liverpool instead, but it’s a conversation I expect we’re going to be having for the next couple of months.
#eurovision#esc2023#nf ranking#sweden#I find it so hard to put my feelings about Tattoo into words#essentially I think the hardest thing to talk about is a song that I like but don't love#that a lot of other people seem to really love#I completely failed to ignore fan perception to it#how could I - it's Loreen!#I've seen both sides - the adoration and the backlash to the adoration#I wish I could just judge it devoid of all that context but I won't lie it being Loreen again after Euphoria does tie into my feelings#it's the exact same way I've felt about Euphoria for years#I like it an awful lot but don't think it deserves all the hype#I want to just enjoy this song without stressing about if I'm gonna view it as a mediocre Eurovision winner later down the line#or who knows maybe it grows on me even more and I actually get the hype this time?#best case scenario for me is if Smash Into Pieces just win tomorrow#never gonna happen of course#but you can't deny it would be funny if in the year of bands Sweden denies their most successful Eurovision artist ever#and sends yet another band
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“i hate you for what you did and i miss you like a little kid” ms phoebe bridgers COOKED w that
paired with “you already hurt my feelings three times in the way only you could / but it feels good to be known so well” boygenius OOOOO
#the way i was treated was so awful#but i genuinely loved him so much that it was running through my veins#ugh#my dumb ex#and i know for certain he never loved me back#but i just remember the last time i saw him i felt like it was walking on eggshells#but i still cried for hours after he had to go#loved him despite the bullshit#and i just don’t really know if i’m just gonna have skewed perceptions of love for the rest of my life or what#time heals i know#but this will definitely take a long time#and that’s okay#but it sucks#homethoughts
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when i feel very lonely i get fizzled out of doing anything after less than an hour
#the bin#been feeling much more lonely since moving into this apartment and i cant draw bc of it#cause i have trouble continuing things i was drawing earlier. when i try im filled with this horrible exhaustion and sadness#its easier to feel better when im living more alone because i can play music or walk around and talk to myself and try to make things#brighter for me but when im living with someone especially someone who i really dislike its just impossible to do#and worse i have to hear them be here which just makes me feel even worse#ugh. my relationship with my sister has gone from bleh to awful. her absolute refusal to take me into consideration for anything including#bringing people over at nogjt without even telling me at all. the last straw. absolutely the last straw#hey yknow id love it if in the middle of the noght when i want a snack and dont wanna get all dressed id like to know theres someone here#cause id rather not them need the bathroom the same time and im just in my underwear. but noooo i dont have the need to know theres#some other person in my facking home. nope not my right#the thing where she insists she tells me that she was gonna have someone over when she didnt has been pissing me off a lot because she#uses the fact i have a poor memory to say why actually i misremembered..shes like well ur perception of reality sucks so u THINK u#remember correctly but actually u totally dont but like. im not having problems rememberi g other things like that right now. and i#distinctly remember these conversations and i always make not of when someoens gonna be here and when you tell me i remember#and theres so much proof that she also forgets stuff. but i honestly think she might be intentionally lying abt it because she forgot#to ask or didnt want me to say no. well i am saying no. idc if theyre already here. yall can go hangout elsewhere bc i wasnt told abt tjis#and i deserve to have quiet in my own home. its literally all i have.#ive been feeling like maybe shes not so bad. people grow and change and sometimes you dontjat in different directions#and you dont get along well anymore. i hear her say to other people that im still her favorite person so its very one sided abt this#honestly though its not just that we dont get along well anymore but nobody is at fault because she is at fault#its not like i never let her bring people over. i do. im just askingmthat im notified first. and her response to forgetting or choosing not#to tell me is to use my mental health things against me to say im just too mentally ill to knoq if i remember tnings cleatly#then how come tnis only ever happens with this thing or cleaning stuff? it ONLY rver happens with stuff that she wouldve needed to tell me#about that are important. oh an important bill i needed to know abt but u didnt tell me? i did but u forgot.#but never anything else. its only ever tnings that she would be in the wrong for not telling me about if she hadnt. thats it#so yonow im thinking maybe. u didnt tell me. which wouldnt blther me so much if she didnt just say actually i did but ur schizophrenia#made u forget wow ur so insano haha#ugh. she sucks. literally dont even wanna built legos with her even tho the set is cool as fuck bc being around her sucks#wow sorry for my many many many tags complaining about my sister. living with her is awful :/
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love the idea of spidernior wearing a rainbow keychain because he loves colors (like the rubix cube) and just wants to keep it around to remember his colorful friends he made and their universes
but every time he leaves his 'verse people see it and assume it's pride merch and he goes viral on twitter n shit and he genuinely honestly doesn't even KNOW cause no one brought it up with him
#noir: oh i love this. I'm wearing it (clueless)#everyone: aw nice :) good for you#my posts#also i think it would break some of his villains who are just too stunned at seeing COLOR (cause what the FUCK is that) to be able to fight#genuinely picturing some normal joe he stopped from robbing something or whatever being like ''hang on time out. i'll come quietly -#- just tell me what the hell is that'' and now noir is stuck explaining the complexities of the multiverse; colors; and light perception.
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what about childhood best friend hoon who has always seen you as the sweet and innocent kind until he accidentally stumbles upon your dirty mind and fantasies
this just did something to me
***
“What the fuck?!”
“Sunghoon!” your cheeks and neck feel like they’ve been set on fire. You mumble a quick apology and goodbye into your phone and end the call. “What the hell are you doing in my apartment?”
“Your mom said you’d be home and I just got back into town.” He looks at you, frowning.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Sunghoon steps through the threshold of your bedroom wearing a black muscle tank and sweatpants. It’s a bit unfair how beautiful your best friend is with perfect biceps and an abdomen that can be seen through the fabric of his tank top. Sunghoon doesn’t have to try that hard and people will still fawn over him.
He looks at you like he’s seen a ghost. You see his duffle bag still in his hand but his grip seems to loosen the longer he looks at you. Sunghoon gulps and hesitantly takes a step inside of your room.
“You…I overheard you talking.”
“Why did you talk to my mom before coming come?” You ask, deflecting Sunghoon’s words in an attempt to pretend he heard nothing. “Did you drive home from school? Why is my apartment the first place you go to instead of your parents’ house?”
“Y/N.” Sunghoon’s throat feels a little too dry.
“You’re awful for not texting me before coming over.” He watches you turn around and put your phone on your table. “Anyway, how was your drive?”
Sunghoon drops his duffle bag. “I thought you were a virgin.”
You sputter. “A-A virgin? Why in the world would you think that?”
A part of you already knows this answer. Unlike you, Sunghoon’s not afraid to talk to you about his sex life and started hooking up with girls the second he left for college. He told you he lost his virginity the second he got home and updates you every so often about his sexual escapades, though not in great detail. He doesn’t press on about your sex and you don’t make it a point to bring it up because you aren’t as shameless as him.
The two of you don’t really have the dynamic where talking about sex is on the table. Or rather, he’s more open to the idea and doesn’t pry any information out of you because you’d shot him down when he asked about your virginity before you had sex for the first time. Sunghoon, for the fear of making you uncomfortable and losing his best friend, kept his mouth shut and generally always thought of you as a pretty innocent person.
You get a bit warm in the face when a sex scene in a movie comes on or whenever he plays songs that have sexual undertones to them in his car. Sunghoon has always thought you were a bit on the innocent side and figures the farthest you’ve ever gone was kissing Lee Heeseung in the eleventh grade.
But right now, his perception of you is distorted. Upon coming over after your mother told him where the spare key was, Sunghoon stood outside hoping to surprise you when he overhead you talking to your friend about a recent hookup.
“No amount of porn or book smut could really describe the feeling of a guy cumming inside of you. I had to practically beg him to take the condom off because he was worried it would be risky. But I’m on the pill so he agreed and fuck, it felt so good.”
He stands there, dumbfounded by the revaluation but can’t stop picturing you with your legs spread open for him on the bed next to you like he has for the past few weeks. Sunghoon’s face is red, no doubt.
“You’re looking at me funny.”
He whips his head to look at you. “I’m not acting funny. You’re acting funny.” Sunghoon watches you scoff and get up from your desk.
“I don’t know why you’re surprised that I fuck, Hoon.”
He sputters. “I don’t think about it.” That’s a lie.
“You don’t have to.” You shrug it off like it’s no big deal. “Do you use condoms?” Sunghoon chokes.
“No.”
Your wicked grin makes his cock jump.
“Me either.”
***
comments and reblogs are appreciated! xx
#enhypen smut#enha smut#sunghoon smut#park sunghoon smut#park sunghoon x reader#enha hard thoughts#enhypen hard thoughts#enha hard hours#enha x reader#enhypen hard hours#hard thought*#my writing*#sunghoon
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i have copied this comment without name because i think it is very kind and respectful and i do not want buckaroos interpreting it the wrong way. PLEASE UNDERSTAND this buckaroo is very sincere and has important points and please respect their way. i am going to answer in a way that is counter to their point and i do not want buds to go after them IN ANY WAY. THEY ARE PROVING LOVE AND THEY HAVE GOOD POINTS
okay here is what i have to say:
i have not transitioned and in this lifetime i do not expect to. i think you have a good point of 'how can you know?' and honestly i cannot know that is just how timelines and reality and perception work
HOWEVER i must caution against this train of thought slightly because what works for one buckaroos MAY NOT WORK for another. every time i talk about my non-dysphoric way there are plenty of well meaning buds, particularly fellow trans buds, who show up with posts in the tone of 'its only matter of time.' like i just do not understand yet.
this reminds me of bisexual buckaroos who are told 'you just do not know you are gay yet'. as difficult as it is to step out of our own dang minds, i implore buckaroos to accept that there VERY JOYFUL AND FULFILLED NON-DYSPHORIC TRANS BUCKAROOS who do not need to transition and never will and are healthy and happy without that. just like there are bisexual buckaroos who are not just on their way to being gay
a good way to look at it is like this: I LOVE MY MALE BODY. i think i am a very handsome buckaroo. i have masculine features in my muscle and height and frame. as far as how fate could have placed me on this timeline I WON MY OWN PERSONAL FOOTRACE. i am up on the podium and i am standing here with a medal around my neck. GOOD JOB CHUCK
HOWEVER when i look down i see that medal is silver. i am not going to lie and say it is gold. it is silver.
YES my gold medal is a female body. that is an objective truth to my trot. i believe my gender way is that of a women, but there is no part of me that is upset about where i have placed.
I GOT SILVER. i am not upset. there is no tragedy. in fact i am OVERWHLEMED WITH JOY not just to be on the podium but to be in this race in the first place. HECK YEAH I DID IT AND I GOT A MEDAL
of course this is not to dismiss the difficult journey of others. many do not feel the way i do and their trot is VALID. a dysphoric way matters and is important and these voices are important. they should be elevated and supported. i understand some do not share this podium imagery, and they feel PAINED by trappings of their body.
i feel so much for this. i understand and care for my dysphoric buds, but the simple truth is that is not my story. i cant just lie and say that it is.
it will never be my story. i cannot say this enough: i love my body. however i STILL believe my truest way is that of a ladybuck. if it was a simple button push to change me, then i would push it without hesitation.
but it is not a simple button push.
talk to almost any buckaroo who has transitioned and they will say 'transitioning is hard'. it takes time and work and money and emotional support. i am in awe of the bravery of buckaroos who trot this path, but all of that is not worth it for something that i already feel good about. SCRATCH THAT, i feel GREAT ABOUT. i feel overwhelmed with joy every day over just existing in this male body that i have been blessed with. YES buckaroo, i feel joy existing in a male body that i know is ladybuck on the inside. it feels interesting a cool and exciting.
but my truest way is STILL a ladybuck trot
i guess i am just trying to say that i love second place. im happy to celebrate it. i think my male body is really dang cool. it is not a 'perfect me' but it is really dang awesome, and i never really bothered with trying to be perfect
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I always think of the "kiss me until I forget my own name" line in a hurt/comfort context. as in: established relationship between A and B. A is going through a lot/had a bad day/etc and they just want comfort from B. A doesn't want to talk about it. thinking is too much at the moment. A asks the line, B obliges gently and makes sure A is doing okay, trying to get them to sleep. (bonus if they were longtime friends who pined for years. also they're engaged and the reason A was crying was work related. aka the hospital caught on fire. again.)
#haha fooled ya! this is about my OCs >:)#half fooled ya actually. i do like this prompt with ships. esp when it works both ways around.#did you know they pined for 8-10 years? me neither until i did the math. who the hell made that timeline.#(*cough* young quakie had awful time perception)#i miss my lil old ocs. need to traumatize them again 😔#these two are my comfort pairing though. they are my parents whether they want to be or not#(and they actually would be cool with it. i love them sm)#quakie rambles
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Here's an arc I thought about doing but won't do because, it'd be a bit too sad and also it's too similar to the Turing Point Arc I already did and also it would be long. But I'll write it here for you angst enjoyers. This ended up being longer than I thought.
Despite getting the "okay" from Ash to date Jessie, Delia still worries that she's not doing the right thing or being a bad mom. Up until now she'd convinced herself that she had the right to be selfish for once after knowing only sacrifice and putting herself last.
Jessie and Ash, while not as antagonistic towards each other, still go at it. A Pikachu zap here, an angry "twerp" being uttered there. The guilt settles in for Delia and figures that it's best to just cut things off before things potentially get worse or before she gets too attached to Jessie. Her son comes first after all. That's what she signed up for when becoming a parent.
She sits Jessie down, eyes watery (it's the first time Jessie's ever seen Delia come close to crying). Delia says she thinks they should end things. Jessie is stunned but accepts it quickly. She sucks it up in the moment, puts a resigned smile on her face and tells Delia she'll leave immediately and not to worry about her. Delia's also broken up about it but promised herself she'd never cry over a goodbye and she wasn't gonna start now.
Jessie goes to James and Meowth's place greeted similarly to this, lightly teasing her about blowing it with Delia, and she breaks down sobbing. Oops it's real this time. James and Meowth do everything in their power to make her feel better. They let her know that things like this happen and they're ready to go wherever she wants to go (knowing that it'd likely be to painful for her to stay in Pallet). As much as she wants to leave, she doesn't want James and Meowth to lose the good thing they have going. She's not in the right headspace to make any decisions so she'll get to it later.
Ash returns home after doing a little training at Oak's lab. He notices Jessie's not around and asks his mom where she is. Delia is about to tell him but can't quite bring herself to say the truth out loud yet. She simply says "I don't know". Ash looks disappointed. "Aw man, I wanted to see if she wanted to battle. She makes a good battle buddy for all of my newer, baby Pokémon." Delia perks up that this. As quickly as he came, he leaves again to go train his Pokémon.
Later, Delia approaches Ash, asking him if he really meant that what he said about Jessie being a good battle partner. He gives her an enthusiastic "yeah!" and tells her that it's been nice having another battle ready trainer around since there's not many in Pallet. Delia starts to pry a little more. "I thought you and Jessie didn't get along?" Ash is confused, and tells Delia they get along great! "Jessie doesn't steal anymore! And she's getting better at battling which is cool." Delia brings up that she's head them argue before. "Oh... well I guess that's just how we are. I'd be weirded out if she was suddenly too nice to me all the time. Jessie's actually a lot like Misty. But taller!" This gives Delia a lot to think about but what's done is done and it's no use pressing on. It's easier this way.
The next morning Delia's getting ready for work. She must not have noticed that she was acting weird but Ash picks up on it. "What's wrong mom?" Delia's shocked he noticed (he's not usually this perceptive). She tells him it's nothing and that she just slept bad. "Hm. But Jessie says that when you're upset you get really quiet and intense." Delia notices that she was pretty intensely mixing the pancake batter. "Jessie told you that?" Ash nods. "Hey speaking of, where is Jessie? Haven't seen her since yesterday." Delia stops mixing and tells Ash that she and Jessie aren't together anymore. Ash is confused and upset at the idea of Jessie doing something that would hurt his mom enough for them to break up. Delia lets him know that Jessie didn't do anything like that and that them breaking up was just for the best. But Ash questions this, pointing out that he's never seen Delia as happy as she was when Jessie was there and also how Delia looks really sad now. Delia can't argue with that but then tells him that it's complicated. Ash, to Delia's surprise, looks a bit disappointed. He's bummed he wasn't able to say goodbye first and asks if she thinks Jessie would still be willing to come by and train with him sometimes. Delia asks him once more if he was really okay with her and Jessie dating. "Yeah I thought I said that already? Jessie's pretty cool when she's not being evil. And she really likes Pokémon which is a plus!" Such simple criteria. Delia's now worried that she might've made a mistake. She finishes making breakfast and heads to work.
At the restaurant she's met by James. She can feel an awkwardness hanging in the air. She knows that James knows. Before she can say anything James tells Delia thank you for employing him and helping him, Meowth and Jessie get back on their feet but that he's going to quit working at the restaurant and that they'll likely be leaving Pallet soon. Delia's heart sinks. There's now a ticking clock and she has to decide what she wants to do SOON. She asks James where Jessie is. James hesitantly tells her that she's at his and Meowth's place. Delia pleads with James to work the restaurant for one more day at least and to cover this shift. She has to go talk to Jessie. He agrees, hoping that this is a good thing.
Delia runs to James and Meowth's place. She knocks on the door upon arrival and waits. It takes a moment but she hears the door unlock. Jessie opens the door, disheveled, tears and snot all over her face, draped in a blanket. Jessie notices it's Delia and, frightened, slams the door. Delia's stunned for a moment and goes to knock on the door again but before she can the door opens. This time Jessie's tears are gone, her hair's fixed and she ditched the blanket. "Oh hey, Delia! What brings you here?" Delia can't help but be charmed. But this is serious. She shakes it off and asks if they could talk. Jessie invites her in. They get to the couch and Jessie starts frantically cleaning up all the crumpled tissues and dirty dishes off the ground. "Heh I caught a cold yesterday. A one day cold. I'm fine now." Delia doesn't call out the obvious lie and gets straight to the point.
She tells Jessie that she's worried she made a mistake. She made a panicked decision that she was hoping would protect Ash and her future self. But now realizes that she was afraid of the idea that she'd made a selfish decision by dating her. It was a selfish decision but that didn't mean it was a bad one. She was the happiest she'd been, Jessie and Ash were learning to get along and were getting along much better than she'd though. She acknowledges that Jessie has been there for Ash in a way that she can't quite be and is also grateful to her for managing to keep Ash home a little longer. She asks if Jessie would be willing to take her back (despite the distress she caused). Jessie starts sobbing with happy tears. She tearfully says she'll try even harder to get along with Ash and be a better person. Delia reassures her that she's doing just fine.
They kiss passionately but then realize it's weird that they're making out in James in Meowth's place and say they'll continue later. Delia tells Jessie to head back home and that Ash is looking forward to battling with her (and she also needs to let James and Meowth not to quit their jobs).
The end~
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welp
#p#the self hate from reality or perception of being hated is strong today#im picking up that im annoying from them#is it just my false perception?#maybe not because i think i can pick up other’s people disdain#ugh this sucks#well maybe i will be forgotten while i mia#maybe im already forgotten because ppl don’t really think about you afterwards#not my best work that’s for sure#it’s been a long time since ive felt this awful#one of those ‘lemme just roll over and evaporate’ moments#i hope to shake this off and move on#im gonna go back and keep to myself for a while#reality can’t handle me
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