#to tell me is to use my mental health things against me to say im just too mentally ill to knoq if i remember tnings cleatly

[danrifics]

good morning i have slept a total of 2 hours here’s my spoiler breakdown for terrible influence antwerp

they start by playing a text to speech voice who welcomes us and the straight boyfriends and the dads (they’re a bit obsessed with the dads i’ll be real) the voice tells us if we film she’s gonna sue are asses. text to speech lady she is an icon

dnp come out and they’re like yo this is cool it’s the first show, you guys are gonna see what we’ve been up to and then they’re like it’s the first show so we can use you guys to decide if we change anything

they they’re like there’s probably people in the audience who don’t really know us so they do a 15 years of dan and phil lore breakdown with dolls of themselves in little set of iconic dnp locations (made by pj and sophie btw) they put these sets in a table in front of a camera and it shows on the big screen, (for 1 section of this the screen doesn’t work for the first part lol) also phil makes the dolls kiss and they also make the dolls hump the breakfast bar cos of course they do

i can’t remember what happens next or maybe it jumps right into the next thing i mention

they play a game show called role model or no-model which is a madlibs style game where you have to decide if the version of dan and phil the audience creates is a role model or not these are compared to real dnp. we had homophobic furry lawyer dan and linguistics dr phil wo has a thing for hamsters. just an fyi for this dan is really good at hearing what the audience is saying and phil is not at all and im pretty sure he made his up cos he couldn’t understand what we wanted

okay so after this iirc they start talking about the youtube landscape and what they’re gonna do after tour and how to keep people entertained and they go on a little adventure through different genres of youtube like minecraft lets plays, vtubers and then they pretend to be mr beast and pretend to give away a bunch of stuff that they don’t have, they cure us of any mental health issues and they cure us from being gay <3

then they decide to have a boxing match cos obvs that’s what youtubers do, they ask us to cheer for whoever they want to win and it has cool intro to it! i’ll be honest this boxing match goes on for entirely too long like it spans the end of the first half and the start of the second but they have like choreographed fighting and OMFG it’s very gay and like suggestive and they do many times look like they’re gonna have sex 😂 like one of phils moves is to hit dan with his ass while dan is holding him from behind so… yeah. anyway dan thought he won ours and then phil knocked him out with a tv, as he should!! also before they end the first half they’re having an insult match where phils tells dan hes gonna burn his house down only for dan to say they live in the same house and i was dying it was so funny, phil also calls dan a dickhead and this is where he also calls him a cunt and that’s how the first half ends. oh also phil has a fake 6 pack on and that’s the $300 dollar silicone btw

okay second half after dan is dead they have a sincere moment and then they’re like you guys keep telling us you want load of long unedited content and they ask us to tell them a topic to monologue about and someone shouts feet and they rant about feet lmao phil excitedly tells everyone he has a better wiki feet rating than dan

then dan goes on a rant about being discriminated against as a millennial (can’t remember how we got there) and phil gets bored and starts watching subway surfers and i’ll be real honest as a gen z i instantly got distracted by subway surfers and didn’t listen to what dan was saying (that was the point tho) and phil keeps turning up the volume and dan gets mad and he storms off

we have a nice sincere moment with phil but idk what tf it was cos neither did phil 😂

then suddenly a voice, oh here she comes, she asks if we’re ready to confess our sins and out comes sister daniel, everyone fucking loses it, if you heard me screaming so loud no you didn’t.

anyway they read some confessions (phil is father philip) and they read out a few including one from @dnphobe !!! phil has a water gun that he didn’t have when he was meant to and couldn’t find and then found and he was spraying it at people to cleanse them of their sins which is what they meant by people being in the splash zone btw also phil sprayed it at dan it was kinda cute

okay so they say they need to go and get changed and they head off stage and there’s a gag where they leave the microphone on and they’re purposely making it sound sexual and it’s so funny and then dan comes out and phil doesn’t cos he’s struggling with his leather fucking trousers that was a completely unscripted part for sure

then they talk about the hiatus a bit and how dan left us and they keep calling us their family and brb while i cry my eyes out

then they pull out a fucking banger of a song, like i can’t even explain to you how good it is, it has a fully like kpop style dance to it that im gonna fucking learn lmao and dan was so good at it like im not even kidding that man was pulling moves!! phil was doing great too btw but he definitely wasn’t as confident in it as dan was but damn it’s the best song yet imo!!

also i forgot to write the conspiracy bit because i forgot where in the show it is but on one of them they were trying so hard to make us say the opposite one but we were literally forcing tour bus on them and yes they confirmed they shared a bed on that tour bus!! and they played it off like its okay for friends to do that (cos it is) but they way they said it was that thing again where they blur the line a little so we know what they actually mean but still pretend they mean something else

okay some little things i remember that i didn’t write above

- “i can’t imagine my life without you”

- “it’ll be 15 years in december” (if you know you know)

- the absolute silence after they confirmed the bed thing cos none of us were actually expecting it

- dan had to prompt phil a little to remind him what to say next but it was very cute

- they kept looking at each other in *that* way

- phil lied to us about when norman died cos he had norman merch coming out

- sleepless night with phil 3 is fake!!

- they showed *that* video of phil asleep on the tour bus

- there were multiple times where i thought they’re gonna kiss right now???

-phil called dan kinda sexy

- ALL IS FORGIVEN, ANYTHING FROM THE LAST WE MIGHT HAVE DONE IS FORGIVEN THEY LOVE US WE ARE A FAMILY THEY ARE LITERALLY OUR DADS

[flagellant]

this might seem dumb and i promise im being genuine here. im just kind of fucking stupid and i would appreciate a little reassurance if you have the time

am i a bad person for not being able to reclaim queer?

i have a lot of trauma with the word and people using it for me without my consent is really triggering. my abusers used it and other words as slurs while they were hurting me. ive been trying really hard to get over it, i promise, but when it's used against me i still like... have panic attacks and flashbacks. other people using it for themselves doesn't do that to me, it's just when it's used toward me.

does not being comfortable with it being used on me make me a TERF? in the past people have taken "please don't call me queer" as "nobody should ever use that word" and even though im trans, theyve told me it's TERFy not to use it? i absolutely support other people reclaiming it and i really am trying to get over myself, but the panic attacks keep happening and now i'm paranoid that im a bad person for not being able to use it

I think the biggest frustration I have with this whole thing is that a narrative has been created where people would tell you yes, Anon, that you are a TERF and so on. And that's just not the case.

Even beyond the fact that words mean things and TERF doesn't just mean "transphobia on tumblr", the fact is that there are always going to be people whose experiences with a word will never be able to be reconciled. I've said throughout this whole thing: Every word we have ever had for ourselves is a slur, because they have all, always, been used as slurs against us.

And what I mean with that is not just "So fighting against queer as a term is therefore transphobic for this and other reasons".

What I also mean is "We need to be aware that there will never be a perfect word. There will never be a word which has been harmless. There is no point in trying to invent new terminologies to escape ongoing oppression, because those terminologies will just be used against us in the same way all others are."

Anon, you aren't a bad person for having traumatic experiences with being called a slur. The idea of that is ridiculous, and I'm as sorry you've been made to feel that way as I am angry at the people who said that to you. Barely better than your traumatizers if at all, all of them.

But I want you to also hear what I am telling you. You have faced experiences which were traumatic for you. This word is one which is a weapon that can always be used against you, right now, and it will never miss its mark. Traumas do not exist in a vacuum: you can't let it keep festering in you.

Because it's like I kept saying as well...if you allow your oppressors to have the language that can harm you, they will use it. Queer is a word you can't use for yourself right now. That's okay. You are not a bad person for that. But traumas can't go untreated. I'd recommend looking into mental health resources for LGBTQ+ people in your area. Therapy works. At its most basic level, therapy would give you the vocabulary you need to express how this is a trauma of yours, and might even be vocabulary which better helps you understand why it remains so harmful for you. I hope for your sake that you can one day make a decision for yourself on this word that isn't being controlled on a traumatic level for you, even if the decision you make is "I still don't like it for me". Hell, especially if that's the decision you make. What matters, Anon, is that you decide what words you want for yourself, and not the people who traumatized you deciding for you.

[rudylloyd]

Warning: Rudy gets VERY sappy and a lot of people are abt to be tagged n told how radical they are IM SORRY THAT YOURE GETTING A STUPID NOTIF LIKE THIS

So the past.... Month. Has been very eventful. Coping with a rough break up, work being hard. I'm almost 21 I kinda figured it'd be rough being in my 20s. I really was expecting it to be the end of the world, but then I made a really good choice.

I joined a few discord servers over this month, and I can't begin to explain just how wonderful that's been for my mental health.

I've made so many new beautiful friends who just mean the world to me, and those new friends along with old friends and my beautiful angel wife who's stuck with me while we both heal, it's just nice.

I wanna say a few words [or a lot words. I'm a yapper] and I jus wanna really detail my appreciation for the following people.

@your-pal-smoochins, my perfect angel wife. You and I have had a lot of things against us. You've been such an amazing support system through these past couple years and I don't tell you enough just how much I love and appreciate everything you do for me. You lift me up when I really need it and I've never felt more loved than when you've been by my side. Thanks for being my rock, my sun moon and stars, and just thank you for being mine. You do so much more than you give yourself credit for, having escaped the situation you were in and going to college. You're so strong, and you're my beautiful angel forever.

@carbonateddelusion Rox! You were one of the first friends I made when everything got locked down and my first memory of you was drawing some of my guys. I dunno if you know but those gifts are still in my phone. I look at those and your newer stuff and I'm just beyond amazed at your progress. You've been a really amazing friend and I love you, man. You really rock, rox [yes that was on purpose]

@toondamien Damien!! one of my very first tumblr friends and the guy who lets me use his oc for my story stuff! You're a little older than me, and as such you've kinda been a role model to me. I still look up to you [metaphorically, hehe] and I'm glad you're my No. 1 DSAF mutual. You're great, dude.

@springlucked Spring. Though we only started talking recently, you are still someone I consider a dear friend. Your fics got me out of some really bad art blocks and my really low days. While Dearly Detested makes me cry and fills me with just the right amount of emotions to break a tree in half, you are so awesome. Your writing is so good and you're so humble when you get gift art from people regarding your fics. You are like a slightly bothersome little sister and for that I love you, ya lil punk.

@dexabite Dex Dane Dexabite Freakabite Miller Jekyll Jade [not real name. obviously] my sworn enemy /j. Your art rocks. Your art inspired a lot of my more detailed pieces and your character design stuff actually made me wanna branch out more not just with character design, but also poses and colors! You're an inspiration to this guy who mainly draws that dumb orange boy and ily /p

@igottoo MJ!! Like if I was a second person! You rock dude. Your art? slaps. Your animation? slaps. Your insane jokes? Slaps. you unintentionally gave me a pose reference that made me leap out of my comfort zone and yknow what? People loved it!! And thats because you're so cool! We scarily have a lot in common so the reasonable assumption is we are in fact the same guy [silly] but i love you to BITS /p. My lagomorphed brethren and the guy I'll be sending my Dave doodles to before showing the public. You're a bro, dawg. As the No. 1 Old Sport fan I'm VERY glad I'm best pals with THE No. 1 Dave Miller fan.

thank you all for being my friends. You guys make my heart full and make me wanna keep working towards being a good person

[heartilywrites]

Helloooo <3

Can I request a Korra x f! firebender reader oneshot where they're already dating and having a tickle fight? Just cute wholesome fluff <33

Have a good day and thank you!! 💗

،، 𝓢ummer Nights ; Korra

request guide | masterlist

resume: just another normal night with your girlfriend.

content warning: pure domestic and fluff ; Korra x fem!reader ; r is a firebender !! ; no use of y/n

wc: 1.1k

a/n: HI <3 im sorry im taking so long with the requests, im getting stuck everytime i try to write:( but i got yours !!! love me some fluff fics for korra <3 tbh i don't really remember if the avatar could regulate body temperature at will, but for the sake of my mental health let's say they can– HOPE YOU ENJOY, THANK YOU FOR REQUESTING:D

“ She knows she's in control. Turns the heat up, then she lets me go.

A sigh of relief left your mouth after coming through the door and take off your shoes.

That day had been the most busy in the whole month, you were running everywhere and doing multiple tasks asked by your boss that by the time it was clock out you and a couple more of your coworkers could barely stand.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “That bad of a day, huh?” you heard your girlfriend's voice, a small giggle left your mouth. Korra appeared on your visual field smiling big, that same smile you loved to see on her, a small kiss was exchanged. “Hello, gorgeous, how are you?”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Ugh, I feel like I could sleep on my feet.” was answered, both of your arms looked to hug her by the neck. “But I'm so happy to finally see you.”

The avatar's hands rested on your waist and pulled you closer to her, smiling again. “Yeah, you look bad.” she said in a joking manner, you rolled your eyes with a smirk. “I made dinner, fire lady, let's go eat.”

You loved how after a hard day, you could come home to Korra. A couple months before your first year anniversary, you had proposed to her the idea of moving together when she spent almost all week with you. It was the best idea you could've had, she always got home before you and most of the times she was waiting for you with either the dinner made or a gift. The times she usually get home late was when a mission or important task would extend, but she would always call the land-line and tell you that she would be late, they were keeping her captive against her will and how she was so close to escape just to be by your side, you always laugh and tell her to be careful, that you would wait her.

But your favorite thing to do with the other would one hundred percent be snuggle; when winter comes along, Korra loved to cuddle up to you even if she was able to keep her warmth to avoid freezing, she always looked for your warmth better since that meant being as close as humanly possible to you and if you love your personal space, Korra loved it more.

However there was the other two seasons where the absence of cold air was notorious and that was summer and spring. When summer showed its heated ambience in the city, you two usually slept in either light pijamas or directly in underwear, the air-conditioning would be on a perfect number for you two and Korra used to have low body temperature at will.

That night was the hottest summer night by far, so you two were laying down, still to not feel the warmth. But for you it was a bit more difficult, since being a firebender meant having a warmth to hot body temperature. It did had its perks, but you hated to feel warm when the air was also warm.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Hey, human torch, I can feel your hotness here.” your girlfriend said, holding back a laugh. You turned to her with an offended grimace accompanied by a smile.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Well, excuse me, miss 'I can regulate my body temperature at will', some of us have only known feeling warm.” you defended yourself, now she did laugh shaking her head.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Keep your hot self on your side of the bed.” she poked your arms, now you giggled.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “What if I don't want to, chief?” your head turned to her with a raised eyebrow.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “I won't have another option than use the whole force of justice on you.” she said back, raising an eyebrow your way.

With a mischievous smile you took a deep breath in and when you were about to exhale, a small flame came out your mouth. You were doing fire breathing to raise your temperature. Korra's mouth opened a little bit at her sight of you.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Listen, that was hot both literally and figuratively,” she confessed making you laugh again. “But you just challenged me and this deserves my vengeance.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Yeah? What are you going to do?” you asked; not even a second later, the avatar was on top of you, pinning you to the mattress by sitting on your waist and her hands started to tickle you on your sides.

Korra knew exactly what your great weakness was, it wasn’t any blind spot nor weak attack: you were so ticklish to any touch on your sides.

The room filled with loud laughs coming from you while she smiled big, she adored the way you laughed even if it was by tickles. Under her body, Korra saw how you were twisting by laughter, your hands tried to stopped her without any success since you were weak by the whole commotion.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Say you surrender!” she exclaimed loud enough for you to hear.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “N–No! Stop it!” you screamed back, your hands were able to catch her wrists, but that was it.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Surrender and I'll let you go!” Korra tried one more time, your eyes were tearing up already and your head started to hurt.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Fine! I... I surrender!” you finally said, she continued a moment more and it was sudden calm after that.

Your head and stomach hurt by all the laughs, your hands cleaned the tears on your cheeks and eyes. Taking deep breaths in to make up for the air that you couldn’t take well by the laugh, your eyes looked up to your girlfriend who was smiling with satisfaction.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “That was intense, dear spirits,” hoarsely, you took her hands to tangle your fingers together. “I thought I was going to pee myself.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “See? Next time consider your consequences.” she said giggling. Korra got closer to you, still on top. “You look beautiful underneath me.” a soft kiss was left on your lips, one of your hands rested on her cheek.

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “Don't try to distract me now with your flirting and horniness, I will get back at you for this.” you whispered on her lips with a seductive tone, her smile dropped. “Let's go to sleep, shall we? I'll let you have tonight.”

‍ ‍ ‍ ‍‍ “We should talk about this in the morning,” she tried to convince you while getting off you and hug your body to be the little spoon, you giggled while accomodating yourself on her arms to sleep. “I don’t think there's need for you to do anything, my love.”

[penguinkyun]

chapter 159 review

trigger warning: this chapter deals with a canon suicide which will be referenced. please click off if it affects you! your mental health is important

this is the second chapter in a row thats accompanied by me having a fever. not sure if that says anything. anyway

i take back very little of what I said last time because the point about ruby not surpassing ai still holds, but at least she wasn't stabbed like ai. at least.

instead we got the comedy of akane wearing a knife proof vest with ichigo planning the whole thing. and yknow what im actually totally fine with this. its better than ruby being stabbed and its inadvertent subtext of "ruby is a better idol than ai, so much so she survived being stabbed" that comes with the scenario where it actually was ruby who was stabbed and survives especially with the surrounding hamfisted narrative of ruby surpassing ai

i really do like the significance of ichigo correcting his mistakes with ai by making sure no one dies in the second attack, because he is the character who has to correct his failures relating to ai's death. its great that he gets to do that in this chapter!

whats not great is him using a 19yo girl as bait in order to correct said failures. what if nino went for the throat? but then again it is in line with ichigo's character *gestures at him guilt tripping aqua in 108*

whats funny is that ichigo apparently knew ryousuke and nino were dating and just did not investigate her in the least. i could play devil's advocate for him here and say that even if he did investigate nino, ai hid who the father was and idk if nino wouldve given hikaru up at that point and theres no real way to get concrete evidence hikaru and ryousuke knew each other, not to mention goros death wasnt found out until 16 years later and even then you cant connect ryousuke to it, but thats all flimsy, paper thin justifications. cmon aqua was better at the revenge job when he was 16 and akanes been doing it better for years, ichigo do better you failed at investigating 101

(cinemasins voice) akane has double hoshigans in this chapter but last chapter she had only one hoshigan

get yourself a murderer who apologises after stabbing you

another giggle is ichigo going (shocked pikachu voice) NINO?! when her hood falls because like. Did You Not Know it was nino? like you really didn't? did you just expect someone to attack on the day of the final concert like what happened to ai? why would you expect that? i can definitively say aqua didnt tell him because aqua said shit in 155 to ichigo, but apparently neither did akane??? he really just expected it to happen. what was he gonna do if the attack happened at the concert?? what was the plan here ichigo??

155!akane: i cut my hair because i didn't feel the need to imitate hoshino ai anymore

158-9!akane: so i'll larp as her daughter instead!

i will say that this dialogue of ninos is actually what ive always thought was part of her thought process

Nino: "If Ai was nothing but an ordinary girl, what would that have made the rest of us then? I just want Ai to be “special.”`

my interp of nino was always that her idolization of ai was her coping mechanism for dealing with the Everything in first gen bkomachi, a coping mechanism that turned into an true belief after ai died because she doesnt want to face the facts about her and ai's relationship: that ai wasnt invincible, nino did hurt her and they never made up. its protection against the sheer grief and regret that would overwhelm her because she never received any closure in regards to that which was compounded by the disbandment of bkom a mere 2 years later, losing her boyfriend and her idol so horrifically (especially after she told them to die) and the years of mismanagement in bkomachi because. all she really wanted to be was friends with ai. and if they were really ordinary girls they would've made up, right? but they didnt and now nino has to live with that

nino saying she wanted to be friends with ai too is all the emotional catharsis and closure i had hoped she would get since 132 and im really glad to see that its here

unfortunately that catharsis is preceded by the plot contrivance that is nino stabbing ruby in the first place which is further duct taped together by the reason nino went after ruby which is that ruby apparently surpassed ai which — no she didn't

and that total plot device becomes even more bullshit by this chapter, where ruby is mimicking ai right down to the cut of her idol dress, her poses and double white hoshigans which gives the message that yeah. ai really was the greatest and most invincible idol who nobody could rival. because even in what is supposed to be rubys moment of triumph at reaching new heights, shes not allowed to do it by her own unique charisma.

ruby has to be shown surpassing ai visually, but because the set up was so utterly hamfisted, all thats left to show her doing so is making her do ai's own poses instead of letting what makes ruby an effective idol shine through, because her character has been so butchered, her original love and compassion for idols and life and the people around her were molded to fit whatever the plot needed to be that this moment, which is supposed to be ruby's shining moment, it just. it just rings hollow.

throughout the latter half of the movie arc shes been wanting to surpass ai on her own terms but shes not allowed to do so and instead ends up just being Ai. its all of the payoff with none of the required set up

speaking of payoffs and setups, kanas situation is the total inversion of this where kana has all the set up for her romantic resolution, her chance to shine the brightest on stage and turn everyones glowsticks white and there's absolutely no payoff. she isnt even the centre in her own graduating concert! aqua isn't there to watch her spellbinding performance because hes dealing with his father whos possibly an antagonist again so her one dream from 151 doesn't get fulfilled! she's gotten utterly pushed to the side because akasaka brute forced the "ruby surpasses ai" in 158 and realised it had to be fulfilled and thus we got whatever the hell was this final bkomachi concert. kana gets tiny singing panels with two dedicated to her solo act (which was actually nice to see at least she Did get the spotlight and her tearing up about graduating ;-;) while ruby gets the biggest, shiniest panels at kana's graduation concert and mem? who's mem? she's barely there and honestly feels like an afterthought with how her age scandal just had no tangible impact whatsoever on literally anyone! it just feels like a thread akasaka just wanted to get out the way

in general the handling of bkomachi's structure, especially now that kana is leaving and mem will age out soon along with her applying to colleges, along with how mem's reveal impacted their presence in the industry, and the impact of ruby's black hoshigan shenanigans severely skewing the popularity to her side has been incredibly lacking and its honestly just sad considering how important B-Komachi as a whole is to all of their characters.

and this scene just pisses me off entirely on ruby and bkomachi again but i ranted about that enough in 158 askhfskd moving on

coming back to nino and ryousuke for a second its honestly a little funny that nino's gay crush on ai was so strong she forgave ryousuke for jumping ship to another idol

on that note though it does touch on something re: nino and her idolisation of ai being her coping mechanism. of course everyone would move from her to ai, ai is the best , of course she would lose all relevance in bkomachi, ai is the best, of course her boyfriend would choose ai, ai is the best. it makes it easy for her to cope with being so strongly and so deeply in ai's shadow — if ai was imperfect that means nino would have to face the hurt, anger and sadness at constantly being second choice when in consideration with ai, that she would have to face that she deeply hurt ai, because that would mean ai was just as normal as her and that would mean that nino wasn't good enough. but if ai was Perfect then its obvious, isn't it? you pick the prettiest flowers after all.

although nino telling two people to die and then they actually do is. yikes. i want to hug her

speaking of ryousuke, the question of nino saying "ever since we let him die..." (mangaplus TLed it as "killed him" but that is a mistranslation which is also proved incorrect by this chapter) is answered here! i had originally assumed it meant they failed to stop him from committing suicide and that's...partially true. on the timeline, its a bit difficult to pinpoint when exactly nino yelled at ryousuke, but considering she says she forgave him for jumping ship and then says `when i told him to go die, he obeyed me just like that` when the visuals clearly show her in shock, that implies in the small window between ai dying and ryousuke committing suicide, he might have called nino in a panic, probably on a payphone and she yelled at him to die in her panic and anger at hearing yknow. that he killed ai. and that was his last straw and then she found him dead when she went to search for him

that still doesn't answer my question of how on earth ryousuke and hikaru got to the hospital ai was at

and so besides all of what i just said about nino, her and ryousuke is clearly a blatant retcon <33. none of it remotely makes sense in an in-universe context line up of events and like basically the only thing it confirms is that ichigopro really were lax about dating. net zero information gained

that being said akane implying that someone else was behind all of the murderous shenanigans going on and that someone being implicitly confirmed to be hikaru by aqua's dialogue is just...why? why bother with the nino red herring? it's a bit hard for me to put a finger on why exactly i don't really like this, but it's like. 154 showed him to be utterly defeated and depressed over ai still loving him and him having killed her and being the final end to their love story it really felt like hikaru was going to do something to make up for it! the 158 phone call even implies this! but by what akane and aqua say here, it gives the feeling of hikaru having been behind ai's and also now, what would have ruby's attempted stabbing? with making him do a deranged yandere smile to boot? it just feels off

i dont really want to make any predictions just yet so i'll just. watch where this goes

i did like aqua's mephisto jacket tho

no break next week!!!

[placeinthisworld]

ttpdta review part one 🤠

let me preface this by stating that i am a swiftie first and person second in this situation. i have grown up with taylor and feel as if shes my big sister- yes i can make fun of her but if i see anyone else do it i will get fiercely protective. i do understand her music is not only art but also her form of therapy. that being said, throughout these nonsense notes i am constantly mentioning that taylor should go to therapy. i am aware of what she has said about therapy (and why she doesn’t go) but i would beg to differ with her…especially after this album release lol.

taylor is an extraordinary storyteller and song writer. i believe this album is full of evidence of that, but it also has some faults that prevent from being as good as i felt like it could have been. overall the album feels rushed.

i also feel like it’s important to recognize the elephant in the room. i know we probably all expected this to be a joe breakup album, so the fact that it turned out to be a “fuck you matty healy” album shook us all a little bit. i know matty had a controversial history, im not gonna sit here and defend him. i don’t know much about him other than what is forced against my will. i do however know that he struggles with mental health issues/ substance abuse/ addiction. i’m not gonna comment much about his personal issues, i don’t feel like that’s right and taylor’s constant references to drugs throughout ttpd definitely rubs me the wrong way. i should also mention i grew up with an active addict and do view things from that perspective, so i feel slightly triggered by the topic and my feelings about that may just be personal but i do mention that in my notes when it’s relevant.

lastly, i am not a music production girlie idk shit lol. i only know i am a aaron dessner stan so any song with his name im already biased towards and i am aware, if u don’t like that idk what to tell u lol. i just know what i feel like is “good” or “bad” but music is subjective🫶🏻

1. Fortnight:

Hate the functional alcoholic part. Like the beat, the chorus is catchy. One thing i love about a taylor swift song is that theres always a story and its always visual. I like the metaphor of the “good neighbors” of like having this teasing/ longing feeling for someone that you could have had a life with. “Your wife waters flowers/ i want to kill her + my husbands cheating/ i want to kill him” feeling like you were robbed of her life, feeling “all my mornings are mondays stuck in an endless february” reminiscing about the short period of time where you were together and convinced it would last forever (only for it to end before it even started). I do not listen to much post malone but i enjoyed his verse!! So many florida references we get it everything bad happens in florida.

i have not seen the video yet oooopsies

2. Ttpd:

i thought this was the opening of Hey Stephen (the remix) or something at first. gotta say i absolutely love the way she sings “you left your typewriter at my apartment/ straight from the tortured poets department” i enjoyed the vibe of this song, and lyrics up until the “you smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate (OKAY SOOOOOOO ME CODED NGL I LAUGHED at this point i could let this lyric slide- bit then she had to mention the charlie puth and golden retriever thing and ngl it almost ruins the song entirely for me. Tbh when i first listened to the leak i thought this was a fake AI song and that i was sending around a fake leak bc these lyrics started to get a little weird to me. ‘Sometimes i wonder if youre gonna screw this up with me/ but you told lucy you’d kill yourself if i ever leave” …………girl i am begging you to see a therapist (side note did anyone else have a friend in hs whos bf would say that shit a lot?? I remember straight up fighting with a friend who refused to break up w her bf bc he would threaten to end his own life is she did and he was like 16? If an adult is saying that same shit i would be Very concerned not gossiping about it???) “i chose this cyclone with you” my first reaction was: ride the cyclone the musical? Overall i liked the first half but you lost me at charlie puth (hes the one with eyebrow right? I think i get him and miles teller mixed up) (i dont know who either of these men are)

3. My boy only breaks his favorite things:

Okay tbh i thought this was gonna be one of my least favorites, but the total opposite happened. I think this is one of my top 5 favorites on this album. I do think that there is a difference between a poem and a song and that they are not always interchangeable. I feel like if this was edited into a poem it would be KILLER. The visuals, the the story, the vocabulary, the sadness in it. “Im queen of sandcastles he destroys/ There was danger in the heat of my touch/ once i fix me/ hes gonna miss me/ i felt more when we played pretend then with all the kens / cause he took me out of my box” i feel like ever since folklore, taylors been trying to push these big fancy words and sometimes it feels awkward and forced, but this is one of the rare songs that doesn't suffer from that.

4. Down bad:

meh. Chorus is catchy. I dont love the narrative “fuck it if i cant have him/ i might just it would make no difference” but i also have never once experienced that over a person before lmao……….taylor go to therapy. Nothing really stands out about this to me otherwise. No offense, but it sounds like a generic jack antonoff song lol. Like maybe if another artist released this, i would enjoy it more but idk i wouldnt expect it from taylor i guess. Just kinda feels boring to me sorry if u enjoy it <3

5. So long, london:

oh man were done with british men now for real for real. “ two graves one gun. I'll find someone” its over for joe and matty (but thats fine if all she has to say about joe is what i think she said on this album i am happy i think We Get It…) Aaron dessner i love u (remember when he reposted me on his ig ahh).”i kept calm and carried the weight of the rift/ pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away” + “I stopped trying to make him laugh/ stopped trying to drill the safe/ i didnt opt in to be our odd man out/ im pissed off you let me give you all of that youth for free” oof i FELT that one a LITTLE too hard. I think this is both a song about matty and joe- i think she had a life and an attachment to london just in general through both relationships, “im just mad as hell because i loved this place” and so reflecting back on how both are over and how all those plans with either are done. “You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days” OKAY kinda hate this phrase bc it feels like shes placing blame on whomever’s mental health/ depression, like as if they made the conscious decision to sacrifice the relationship solely. This very much feels like “how much sadness did you think i could take before i got bored???” overall top favorite songs bc it doesnt have too many cringey or odd lyrics and the production is 10/10 thank u aaron dessner ilysm king

6. But daddy i love him:

tbh when i got the leak this was the first song i listened to bc i thought it was gonna be the worst one and i wanted to get it over with (i was RIGHT until she dropped that second half……..) and i DIDNT have the lyrics obviously so i couldnt for the life of me figure out if she really said “im having his baby…..NO IM NOT!” until the VERY end of the song and bro…….the cringe. The cringe. The cringe. This is also when i started to question if this was real or if i was passing out a fake leak, lol. I dont understand how she could be saying this shit about matty. And like we all know it lol. “Sometimes growing up precocious sometimes means not growing up at all” …….but like does it??? I feel like thats kinda an oxymoron or something like i understand what shes trying to say and MOST of the time her metaphors and comparisons make sense to me but like this one doesnt. Growing up precocious means to grow up more advanced in maturity, how would that also mean not growing up at all? Is it just me getting stoned and overthinking things? “Ill tell you something about my good name/ its mine alone to disgrace” true that bestie ur doin a great job by being so politically quiet over the past couple of yeats after making a whole asss documentary about wanting to be on the right side of history. But I digress i am just one of those bitches performing soliloquies you'll never see. Overall this song is very weird and cringey imo and i wish it stayed in whatever vault it was sitting in lol.

7.Fresh out of the slammer: “In the shade of how he was feeling” -_- dont like this narrative already. I could honestly go on a rant about why i dont like this song but im going to spare for the sake of my sanity in this review of thirty one fucking songs but its along these lines “to the one who says im the girl of his american dreams” oh brother. otherwise i dont care for many of the lyrics, the chorus/ melody/vibe is mid i guess. It sounds like another jack song (i was right)

8. Florida!!!: “all my friends smell like weed or little babies” okay i know what she was trying to say but im SORRY you cant tell me she couldnt think of ANY other way to say her friends are either parents partiers lmao. Deserves jail for that but luckily the vibe and the chorus of the song are really catchy and florence’s voice is beautiful in it. “Well me and my ghost we had a hell of a time/ yes im haunted but im feeling just fine” CHILLS i loved it. I didnt think i would like this song but (maybe as much as i like no body, no crime which is meh) but no i lowkey love this song and think its really fun. Once again the drug references start to get heavy here in the album and like i mentioned i do get slightly triggered by drug mentions.

9. Guilty as sin?:

okay taylor we get it you masterbate. Another strong jack song and it’s pretty similar to others on the album so nothing besides the sexual lyrics stand out.

10. Whos afraid of little old me?:

“if you wanted me dead you should have just said/ nothing makes me feel more alive” ooooooooooh i love that. I feel like a live or an acoustic version of this song would give me CHILLS. “Is it a wonder i broke / lets hear one more joke/ then we can all laugh until i cry” honestly so relatable, “i was tame, i was gentle til the circus life made me mean” oh :( that hurt bc it just reminds me of the vibe shift during midnights era/ eras tour where it *feels* like she started to pull back from being taylor swift and started to become Taylor Swift (™) and the way her fans/ media has treated her made her mean or cold or something and that just makes me feel sad. “Whos afraid of little old me? You caged me and then you called me crazy! I am what i am cause you trained me! SO. WHOS. AFRAID. OF ME? Again the narcotics line kinda makes me feel icky but thats bc i have that thing about drugs and just dont LOVE all the references to them. Like i know its not that serious but theres a reason why i dont seek out artists that typically talk or write about that stuff ya know so its weird. Overall i think the production is one of the most unique ones on this part of the album.

11. I can fix him (no really i can):

i hate it all around i think. I hate the narrative of “i can fix him!! I can handle a dangerous man!!! No really i can!!!” there is a reason why this song is barely 3 mins long lol it should have been cut but i think taylor wanted to Be Edgy. i dont care for the productions or the lyrics, its very forgetful imo.

12. Loml:

okay i really thought this was gonna be a joe song (rip) so i was thinking it was gonna be really deep and sad and like it IS but with the context of it being the pt 2 fling with matty it doesnt seem like it now. Anyone who thinks this is not about matty please look at the lyrics and be so serious “whos gonna stop us from waltzing back into reklndled flames/ if we know the steps anyway” I think matty just said too much shit to taylor during their fling and taylor WAS truly convinced this her invisible string and he promised her a lot that he couldnt upkeep and ghosted her and she took it SUPER hard, i mean two breakups in one year is a lot (me, whos never been through a single breakup once). I just dont understand how she feels like matty is the greatest loss of her life. One of my favorite tracks on the album, “our field of dreams engulfed in fire/ your arsons match your somber eyes” a LOT of these lyrics are actually really good imo. I think im the only one that didnt find the “mr. steal your girl and make her cry” line idk i thought it was actually kinda neat, the phrasing of it, kinda contradicts the title “love of my life” because he was never that serious or respectful of her and only use her from the beginning. This is another song that i think would make KILLER poem over song. Overall i think the piano is haunting and a live version of this will make me die, thank u again aaron dessner 10/10

13. I can do it with a broken heart:

ngl i thought this was the opening to mastermind for a hot second- also gave me a scare on whether or not this was a fake leak lol. Catchy ass chorus but very YOYOK. “Breaking down i hit the floor/ All the pieces of me shattered/ as the crowd was shouting “more!” ooffffffff seeeeee that is exactly WHAT i was afraid she was feeling durning the eras tour after the joe breakup/ matty situation and all these stupid twitter and tik tok swiffers were out here overanalyzing EVERYTHING and demanding rep tv like every other day. “Im so depressed i act like its my birthday” …….okay taylor. Like a lot of people have said, i think she interchanges “depressed” for “sad” a lot and the two are not the same. I think taylor wrote this song (but specifically the “i cry a lot time but i am so productive” and was like “yup this part is gonna go viral on tik tok,” initially i wrote “feels like taylor saw that depression barbie commercial in barbie 2023 and wrote a song based on that” lol which i still agree with. Overall the production of this screams midnights reject lol, very jack antonoff. Over time this song has grown on me a lot. Originally i didnt care for it but now its kind of a bop but i think its bc its so similar to YOYOK. “Try and come for my job” @taylorswift deadass you couldn’t think of anything else to say instead. cmon. I was mostly on board until that very last part, just seemed very cheesy lol like its not a big deal but i thought it delivered well without it.

14. The smallest man who ever lived:

(aaron thank u for saving me and this entire album) “they just ghosted you/ now you know what it feels like” OUCH. “i dont even want you back i just want you to know/ if rusting my sparkling was the goal/ and i dont miss what we had but can someone give/ a message to the smallest man who ever lived” oh this was somber af. I am obsessed with the phrasing of the chorus. I also LOVE taylors deeper voice its def giving me the same feelings MTR gave me from folklore, that made me CRY and this was very similar. This is another classic taylor song that i could EASILY write like a ten page essay about if someone put a gun to my head. I know that its about a *romantic* relationship, but it feels general enough to be able to relate to anyone who is close to someone with an addiction or struggles with substances. A lot of addicts dont understand the impact of their addiction or their behaviors that they display while struggling. To meeeeee, this feels very much like “you were self centered and betrayed my trust, was any of this true? Real? Am i paranoid or is this that deep?” “it wasnt sexy once it wasnt forbidden” has me thinking lots of things. I think that describes taylors “type”if that makes sense? Like i said i would need to literally break this song down line by line like its ridiculous i have too many thoughts about this song i have listened to it on repeat six times by the time im typing this. “In public showed me off/ then sank in stoned oblivion” FUCK. “you treat her like an also-ran” honestly i have never heard of that phrase/word thank u dr. swift. “Were you sent by someone who wanted me DEAD/ did you sleep with a GUN underneath OUR BED/ were you writing a BOOK?/ were you a sleeper cell SPY? IN 5O YEARS WILL THIS BE ALL DECLASSIFIED?/ AND YOU’LL CONFESS WHY YOU DID IT!/ AND ILL SAY GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” tears were formed besties. Also love the gracie abrams reference. “And you deserve prison but you wont get time” i feel like is very metaphorical like you DESERVE to be punished for what you did to me but you won’t admit to the guilt, you wont admit your wrongdoings, you wont admit that i would have done anything for you and you have no problem replacing me. “You said normal girls were boring/ but you were gone by the morning” first of all red flag girlie, nonetheless heartbreaking. “And in plain sight you hid/ but you are what you did” i say this with all the love in my heart, someone take taylor swift to a really good really private therapist. I could say more but i think i need to move on because i am now on my eighth cyle of listening to this song.

15. The alchemy:

already kinda hate it. “What if i told you im back/ the hospital was a drag/ worst sleep i ever had” do you think taylor swift has ever been admitted to a real hospital in this context. Feels very out of place and like i said earlier i dont love the psych ward visuals/ references she keeps inserting in this album. “He jokes its heroin but this time with an e” thanks! I fucking hate that line so much. Feels very icky, not funny. I get what shes going for but it falls so flat for me. The football references (yall know my opinion on meathead!!!!!!!! I will not engage!!!) are fucking dumb. Production is kinda lame and uninterested. Will only listen to this song if by force and will not repeat it ive head enough lets move on.

i have Lots Of Thoughts. i don’t think anyone cares about what i have to say though so i don’t think i’ll bother posting the rest lol but i did do a lot of work so ill post just a bit to make myself feel better.

[noellevanious]

Alright. This is pissing me off now. More "drama" regarding my friend Avery and DemilyPyro below the cut.

Summary: Avery got harassed, Demily didnt apologize, blamed other things like her autism and memory issues, and other despicable things.

Context:

my friend Moira posted yesterday about local tumblr user Demilypyro being a shithead, after talking about how she had personally experienced her being shitty before. Because of this, she was getting harassed enough by Demily Fans that she relented and posted "Receipts" they were asking for (in quotes because.... she just said she was being shitty, no receipts should be needed)

The screenshots showed Demily clearly being shitty last year, talking rudely about a friend Moira had after the friend had posted a selfie in a channel they were both in.

Moira was told that Demily was apologizing, and considering the hatemail she was getting, I don't blame her for hearing that and going "Alright, awesome, I don't want or need to talk about that anymore! Leave me alone please and stop sending me hatemails/moving goalposts to prove that Demily is literally Worse than The Devil!"

I was looking through my blog, and, out of curiosity, I checked to see, and...

post screencaps above are from

(post screencap above is from)

(no link cause im on mobile and this shit is hard but. the post should be locatable)

(link post above is from)

(link to post screencap is from)

.... blaming her autism, memory issues, and echoing fans levying suspicions about it being about her being trans, among other bad faith shit.

Doing this is despicable. Insulting trans women and mocking how they look and using questionable terms (they may or may not be dogwhistles, thats the nature of dogwhistles, and so I don't hold that against her, but still. questionable) and acknowledging that that actually happened is bad enough, especially when you're also trans. Infighting during a surge of transmisogyny, where straight women are being killed because people think they're trans, is nothing short of catastrophically stupid.

But to then, instead of just outright apologize, let your audience build it up as som witch-hunt and push the blame onto aspects of your life you can't control, is... something else.

I have autism, as do many of my friends. Not only is autism an obscenely variable mental health variable, but it also is not how South Park portrayed it once, where you impulsively shout out insults. Dulling your social senses is not the same as outright insulting trans women.

I also have friends with serious memory issues, as well as close relatives (my grandmother developed alzheimers in 2021 before she passed early this year). It's devastating in both directions.

To use those as scapegoats so you don't have to take responsbility for... being a shithead? Fucking despicable. No better word for it. Disrespectful, insulting to other people that have those issues and don't use them to excuse being shitty, apathetic at best.

Now, what is my point making this post? Besides this genuinely pissing me off an insane amount, I wanted to use it as a teaching opportunity -

You know how easy it would be to have made these "drama" not exist? Two magic words:

Take. Responsibility.

If you're ever in a situation where people are telling you you're being a shithead, and you know in the back of your head "Yeah, this stuff is really shitty, and it did come out of my mouth" - just fucking own up! Take responsibility for your shitty actions! "I'm sorry. I said shitty things. I'm going to strive to do and be better. I take full responsibility."

It's literally that simple - because it shows that - you know you made mistakes, but you have the capacity to learn from those mistakes! Like every fucking human being ever! Don't hide behind other things to avoid that responsbility!Don't passively promote your fans saying shit like "Hmmmm maybe other trans girls are calling you out because youre trans!" or "Hmm maybe they just hate you and want you to suffer!" Just fucking own up!

I don't know where this post is gonna end up. I fully expect more demily fans to harass me, I've already blocked Demily herself (because I don't want to even interact with somebody that badmouths other transgirls because they don't fit their beauty standards).

But, I do want to clarify and stress: I do not want, or care about, any more of this "drama" beyond her apologizing and owning up.

Seeing her fans mock and insult and harass my friend who already constantly deals with shit way more than anybody should, and then going on her blog and seeing her not only play the Woe is Me appeal to ethos bullshit, but also promote fans that are passing the blame around on boogeymen like her being trans, is dangerous, insulting, and made me furious, and I wanted to get it out of my system.

[my-castles-crumbling]

To ex stepdad anon

Here's the beginning of your ask, so you know it's you!

I've never sent an ask but i dont have anyone in my life i can get advice about this from so i hope it's ok im sending an ask about this.

TW: death, abuse

Okay first of all, you don't know for sure that this man is dying. It is a classic emotional abuse tactic to guilt someone into contact by saying that there's a health issue. Trust me, I've had that used against me.

First, make sure this is real.

If it is, then please know that you don't owe an abuser shit.

The only thing you need to think of is what is right for YOU. If it will hurt you mentally to see this man, then fuck that. Don't see him and don't feel guilty. You have my very express permission to not lose an ounce of sleep over it.

However, if you feel like it would be good for YOU, either for closure or because you truly would feel guilty, then that's understandable. But don't do it for him, or your mom, or anyone else. That's your decision.

I can't tell you what to do. But just- do whatever you choose for you.

<3

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 3 - Catholic Character Tournament

Propaganda below ⬇️

Gabriel

Well he's an angel so I'm taking him being catholic as canon. There are a lot of themes in the game that point to catholisism specifically.

He's so fucking funny. he listens to nine inch nails and quotes one of the songs in a fight basically "fight me like an animal". he and v1 kind of have this yuri thing going on. he has an official bodypillow. hes a metaphor for being excommunicated and no one gets him like me and my friends do

The *true* Catholic experience is leaving the church and having a gay awakening, ask anyone

its debatable if Gabriel truly believes he's "the one true savior" or is mocking the idea of it

ok im actually gonna write some gabe propaganda bc despite what you may expect from a game called ULTRAKILL theres a lot to be said about his character and how catholicism is represented

Gabriel is a genuinely caring person who struggles to square his desire to help people with his duty as an archangel. He's the only one in Heaven trying to make things better for those in Hell, but his faith is used to manipulate him into committing atrocities against the people he used to protect (see the "TRAITOR" mural in 4-2)

he only realizes his mistakes after losing everything and being sentenced to death, but he still decides with only a little time remaining to try and make things right. for the sake of spoilers i will just say that the measures he takes are... extremely drastic and very enjoyable. i just really like the idea that even facing the end of all living things, no matter how steep your crimes, it is never too late to fix your mistakes. you are never unworthy forgiveness.

hes also SO FUCKING GAY for this dumb little robot. it mauled him so hard he tasted his own blood and he fell in love right there. theres no way this guy has a normal healthy relationship to pain he is soooooooooo fucked. i love him. please vote for Gabriel "patron saint of gay lapsed catholics" Ultrakill !!!!!!!!

Shadow

In sonic destruction (the AI generated fan thing snapcube made a while ago) shadow was catholic or something which I think is reallyyyyyyy funny

Ok listen. I know this is a stretch but hear me out. He says “oh my God” in the Twitter takeovers so we know this is a possibility. I see him as a Christ-like figure because I saw his whole confrontation with Mephiles and was like “this is a thing that happened in the Bible??” and the pose Mephiles shows him in is literally like a crucifixion and Mephiles is meant to be a demon / false prophet reference. And also he’s called a demon in Shadow The Hedgehog 2005 then the guy who calls him that is like “I was wrong I’m sorry” and that also reminds me of a thing with Jesus in The Bible. But the biggest reason is his whole thing with Maria cause I think he’d come to earth and hear Ave Maria once and convert to Catholicism idk he’s like we’re comforted by a female familial figure named Mary sometimes called Maria?? And her color is blue????? Heck yeah I’m in because I Will Cry. Also feel free to share this as propaganda obv even if he doesn’t get in the bracket just. It’s funny.

I feel like he’d battle a lot with being seen or portrayed as a demon and how the aliens he’s related to very much look and act like demons idk lmao- and also I feel like confession would just be good for him I think he needs it for his mental health

There is a debate on the lovely website tunblr that Shadow T. Hedgehog is an allegory for Jesus Christ.

He is Jesus, idk what to tell you. He lived, he was sealed away, he was awakened again and deemed the ultimate lifeforms, he’s angry but not evil, does what he believes is best for people and the world at any given time. Total loser.

[jnjzksekfjvn]

strawpage response lmoa

"maybe the reason it's wrong to harass the MAP is because it's a mental disorder that she's getting help for and has never harmed children or plans to. 🤔 mental illness support until it's someone that doesn't fit your narrative"

Hey! im not harrassing them lmao if I was I wouldve probably posted the shit that they have said beforehand

On a seperate note, having a mental illness does not give you the right to do certain things like that, it can explain *why* you did those actions but it does not justify them. Im glad they are getting the mental health help that they deserve, and I support that they are getting the help they need.

I agree that people tend to romanticise mental health. If I were harrassing the person, you could make this statement and it would be factual. However, this would only be applicable if I said hurtful things against them and if I genuinely harrassed them by doxxing or exposing the messages that we exchanged and trying to make them look bad. Sadly for you, this is not the case and I am being respectful to them, only warning others about their internet presence. You can counter my argument by saying that me calling them a pedophile is making them look bad and therefore is harrassment, however this is incorrect since I am using the actual terminology and objective language. You may think that this is something that makes them look bad but this is because pedophilia is generally seen as a bad thing in society and not because the word itself has literal negative connotations (only means attraction to children).

As someone who also deals with the less glamorized aspects of mental illness and has been ostracized by it, my initial reaction to this message was frustration and I was insulted that someone would think that I was doing what they have done to me since I was a child. However, I understand that that is not the purpose of anons msg and that it is a genuine observation that they believe they are seeing, a misinterpretation. Im sorry that it looked like I was making fun of them or harrassing them because of their mental illness, I am not, and I dont believe that that would be helpful in any way. I am just telling everyone that this fanfic writer is a MAP, and if they dont like that they can block them.

Anon, if you want to talk about this, my DMs are open, and I wont expose the messages. We can have a conversation about this, and if you want to stay anonymous, send me an ask about it or continue using strawpage.

[idyllic-affections]

DON'T.... BECAUSE KAVEH'S YOUNGER!SIBLING BEING ANGRY IN THEIR STEAD.. im so sorry for swarming ur inbox but ydbihsjakdas

i could just IMAGINE their arguments about it

"she's our MOTHER, you don't disrespect her like that!"

"yeah, but she ABANDONED us!"

"she didn't abandon us-"

"YES SHE DID! she ran away and left us here, in sumeru, because she was hurting. i know."

"she deserves to be happy-"

"but what about us? what about me? what about you? she sounds SO much happier with our step siblings, and she doesn't even visit us! you can't keep defending her!

you can love her all you want, i don't care. you say she's our mother, but she's been absent ever since dad died."

"you have to understand-"

"I DO UNDERSTAND! and you took care of her when she was sad. you took care of me because she was sad. you were a child too, and you were more of a mother to me than her!"

"don't say that-"

"just because she's my mom doesn't mean i have to like her!"

kinda projected here but good god this makes me wanna explode. i like to think kaveh's younder!sibling has been going through that "rebellious teen phase", but it's not a phase, it's just how they are after growing up with a pretty absent mom and dead dad. they see how much their brother suffer, they 100% wanna help him, but they're going through it too yk??

imagine how frustrating it is for them whenever kaveh talks about their mom and he always says nice things about her but they could see the sheer bitterness, guilt, and melancholy in his eyes. they can't help but hate her for not being there for them (i like to think they're maybe an infant or very very young when it happened) n making their big bro, their parental figure, go through this horrible mess.

n they just kinda grew up with that hate w/o telling kaveh bc they didn't wanna add into his plate of problems. but the hate slowly manifested with other stuff until they went from 'not wanting to cause trouble for kaveh' to 'i cause trouble because i can't control myself and i need to release my anger on something else'

so ya i think kaveh's younger!sibling would be temperamental n people see them kinda like a bully, opposite of kaveh :( even if kaveh raised them kindly, i think reader's hatred to their mom saved them from copying kaveh's self destructiveness...

which caused kinda of a strain in their relationship when reader became a teen

(on the flip side for some reason i think reader would get along with alhaitham more (which would hurt kaveh tbh) bc alhaitham's mentality clashes so much against kaveh's n it's probably what reader needs more... they probably preferred alhaitham's "you're allowed to get angry at things you felt was unfair, even if she's your mother" than kaveh's "she still loves us... she just- she just needed to move on to be happy. she deserves it.")

sorry i kinda developed a whole reader here and maybe this is incoherent blabbering im gonna hide now >q< feel free to ignore !!

NOOOOO NO DON'T HIDE I AM HEARING YOU OUT SOO MUCH RN WE ARE ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH

ohhh the strain that would come as a consequence of that rage and pain... sigh. parentified kaveh is so real, honestly, because with how bad faranak's mental health became, she definitely would not have been able to raise her youngest child. kaveh would be the one to raise them. kaveh would be the one they ran to when they scraped their knee. kaveh would be the one to kiss away their tears. kaveh would be the one to help them with homework and little things like that.

it would always be kaveh.

(and i think faranak would be painfully aware of the way they no longer come to her for comfort and consolation, but i don't think she would be able to feel bad about it until years later, because she's already so... fucked up. she would just be glad that someone was nurturing her child, even if that had to be kaveh.)

i think [name]'s anger would be a good and important testament to how well kaveh really raised them, though.

(but of course, it would also prove dangerous and self-destructive which i mention a bit further down in the post!!)

one who values themselves is one who feels angry when mistreated.

and [name] is fucking livid, for both themselves and kaveh. [name] is aware of faranak's neglect. because kaveh taught them to love themselves more than he could ever even hope to love himself. kaveh raised them well, even if that responsibility never should have been his in the first place.

so it honestly hurts them both when they fight like that.

"don't you dare disrespect her, [name]. you have no idea what she did for us." "what she did for us?! what the hell-- kaveh, she left us for some random fucking guy neither of us have ever met! how can you not see what's wrong with that?!" "do not talk about her like that. she did her best. doesn't she deserve to be happy, [name]? doesn't she?!" "oh," they'd scoff, "so 'her best' is abandoning her kids, parentifying her oldest son, and running from her past like a fucking coward?" they would roll their eyes and turn away at that point. "no, kaveh. she doesn't. neither of us are, so why does she deserve to be happy?" they'd then leave.

and consider this dialogue somewhere in there:

"she isn't my mother. she didn't raise me. you can like and defend that woman all you want, but she never was and never will be my mother."

they care so much about what kaveh went through for them. they are so painfully aware of the sacrifices he made to raise them. you know how parentified oldest siblings are usually the only ones aware of the abuse and neglect, whereas the younger siblings they raised think their parent is an angel who did no wrong? it's the opposite here.

and [name] getting along better with alhaitham in their teens... you are so right. they would.

i can imagine them fighting like this in alhaitham's home, and when [name] finally gets pissed off enough that they just leave to cool down, kaveh also retreats and stays in his room for a bit. but a few minutes later, when he comes back out, alhaitham is gone.

he left after [name], because a pissed off teen out wandering alone in sumeru and possibly sumeru's wilderness is unsafe.

(i feel like [name]'s anger could translate into ambition. hmm. pyro vision [name], maybe?)

kaveh knows they get along better with alhaitham nowadays, and i think it hurts him so much. but... he also does want what is best for them, and maybe. just maybe he is not best for them anymore.

(little does he know, they cry a lot to his roommate about just... wanting their brother. but not being able to open up to him like they used to because he'll only keep making excuses for their mother. and he'll only keep hurting himself in the process. and they don't want to see him destroy himself.)

alhaitham would validate their feelings more than kaveh would. he believes they should be pissed. he's not good with tears and feelings in general, but he is rather decent when it matters. and it very much matters when it comes to kaveh's mentally and emotionally wounded younger sibling.

i think alhaitham is better for them at this point in their life. and, you know, i feel like... in a way, he could help them learn to be less destructive. because also i feel like [name] is self-destructive in their own way, too. they get pissed and push away the people they love (aka kaveh). and they're hurting themselves in the process, but it's in a less obvious way than how kaveh is hurting himself (all the overworking, constantly doing everything for everyone, etc etc).

alhaitham is so blunt and straightforward and it would be refreshing compared to the mental gymnastics kaveh does to justify what faranak has done. and honestly, the factual truth is that [name] is allowed to be angry. alhaitham knows that and he's very clear about it.

and hear me out--

[name] enrolling in the akademiya, but instead of the expected darshan (kshahrewar or something similar)... they enroll in haravatat. just a thought.

they're probably just kind of mean in general compared to their brother, and i think that comes as a surprise to a lot of people, but i mean... who can blame them?

they need to go to family therapy HELSPDKDHSKGA

[rgr-pop]

okay my job is Very blue collar, can you talk more about being told to go to a… doctor’s appointment???? for inappropriate workplace behavior? is this common? obv not saying you were actually inappropriate. but if someone was homophobic at your workplace, hr can tell them go to therapy??? like a tumblrina scorned???

yes well i can do my best! officially i can say all this now Technically but dont rb but if you are in the field im happy to speak to colleagues, i had a disciplinary action filed against me for privately correcting a coworker for using the wrong pronouns for a trans girl student. she is on the school board and she works closely with someone who lost a city council race in large part because she had worked with bethany christian services and was discredited. so of course i very innocently talked to our director about how im soooo worried about her possibly being radicalized by this issue on the school board--have you watched the news? no? are you not getting the ALA emails....? so i had a conversation with her about she pronouns, she screamed in front of patrons that nobody can tell her what she has to call them. she called our student a karen. i asked my director to handle this, specifically said if you ask me to handle this i will feel like its undue attention as a queer person in the workplace please have someone else do it. set up a process for pronoun stuff, i found him some training resources, the whole thing. his solution was to force me in a meeting with this person in which she said that pronouns quote reminded her of being enslaved. i was not allowed to leave, cried, made five or six on paper and recorded on video claims of quote homophobic retaliation. the other person filed a complaint against me which means she cant face any disciplinary response. officially my report on paper you can probably FOIA it says that the discipline was for using the word homophobic and transphobic. well actually my discipline was for rude behavior in that meeting plus saying the words homophobic and transphobic but they found in my hearing that i was appropriately apologetic for raising my voice and crying but that i refused to apologize for saying homophobic and transphobic (they didnt ask me to but obviously i would not have. so thats what my report says. a little birdie told me that in the hearing discussion the words quote religious freedom were tossed around. its unofficially prohibited to communicate about someones pronouns in the library until further notice and ive been told they will get a procedure on paper next year. as a consequence for my behavior (saying homophobic and transpobic i face mandatory counseling. can they do this - i think yes but i really think its a legal technicality that has never seemed a winnable fight to anyone. my understanding is that it is probably common. what i believe is typically the case is that employers will partner with something called an employee assistance program. the employee-facing component of these orgs is access to mental health services as a benefit (in the case of me, in lieu of healthcare benefits(. employers partner with these orgs to offer those employee-facing mental health services while contracting the company for other org psych/HR services. here is one of the big companies that does this, based in detroit, who i believe does this work with state of michigan employees (who i am not( - https://hmsanet.com/managed-behavioral-health.html the employer contracts this company to provide employee benefit limited mental health services and also uses their services for various disciplinary, mediation, crisis management, probably also consulting purposes. in my case, im being required to have a counseling session with a counselor through what is described by the company and my employer as a voluntary program, but i have been instructed that doing so is mandatory.

interestingly, in the past when ive worked with union members who got this disciplinary action, it was posed to them as they could choose to go to counseling or have a higher level disciplinary action. i was expecting this to happen to me, but i was not given the false option. mandatory referral through your employer are the words used. im required to sign a release of information allowing the counselor to disclose information about my participation and progress and it appears that this will likely be in the form of a checklist certifying my compliance. obviously what i would prefer is to create an even more complete paper trail of them doing homophobia on purpose so were considering the strategy...

[violentviolette]

ASPD diagnosis anon again.

Thank for responding, I really appreciate it.

You mentioned your bipolar diagnosis affecting your rights/freedoms, what did you mean by that? I ask because personally, I have lots of things i need to address, and process, but therapy as a whole just seems like a massive risk. I'm not asking for a "do this/dont do this," I guess, but more of your perspective and experiences.

Thanks again, just let me know if it's too personal. :)

so in the us at least, it can affect a lot. bipolar disorder is considered a legal disability tho and is protected under the ADA so some of these things u can fight, while others u cant

things like workplace or educational discrimination for example, both are required to provide accomodation for bipolar individuals, but them knowing ur diagnosis at all puts u at risk for discrimination. i know most places wont hire u if they know that upfront, and in some fields (like medical, govt work, ect) outright state that u cannot have a mental health diagnosis like bipd in their field and they straight up will not even consider hiring u

it can affect ur ability to get or renew a drivers liscence, especially specialty liscences like CDL's and motorcycle

it greatly affects ur medical treatment overall. ive had problems with some dr's not taking me seriously because they see i have a bipd dx. i had a bone tumor the size of a baseball in my shoulder for years and when i told dr's it felt like i couldnt breathe and that something was pushing my shoulder out they dismissed me as being a hypochonriac and told me to talk to my therapist. i also need to make a point to appear put together when i see certain dr's or else they take it as a sign im declining mentally

were often at an increased risk for involuntary hospitalizations, especially if healthcare workers believe u to be manic or having an episode. this leaves us more vulnerable to things like guardianships/conservatorships. it is much more likely for judges to rule against us in cases where someone is challenging our legal rights or trying to gain prolonged control. this can be especially dangerous for people in abusive relationships or with abusive parents.

it also counts negatively against us in family court proceedings. judges are much less likely to side with a bipolar parent in custody cases and it's much easier for partners, family members, and the state to seize control over ur children

we also cant buy or legally carry any kind of firearm or other weapons. even knives that are legal to carry for others can become issues for us if the law becomes involved. we're much more likely to be given harsher punishment and prison sentences, and more likely to be mistreated in police custody

overall tho it's about weighing the pro's and cons for u personally. for me with my bipolar, i Need medication or i will go insane and kill myself and so i really had no choice there. u need a diagnosis to access bipolar meds consistently, wheras with something like aspd, u dont need a diagnosis to access treatment so it was easy to keep that one off the books

generally tho, unless ur out here telling ur therapist ur about to shoot up the grocery store or kill ur dog or throw urself infront of traffic, getting hospitalized when ur just seeking average talk therapy is fairly unlikely. hospitals are overfull and the mental health system is way overworked and understaffed and most places dont want to fight with insurances that dont want to cover stays. so u do generally have to be saying some extream things to risk being coded currently, at least in my experience. ive been held for 24hr stays before, but never longer than that. they almost always dont have a bed and so unless ur really losing ur shit infront of them they dont want to have to keep u.

also if u seek out dbt centered therapy and resources they tend to be better about handling hearing the nasty symptoms without getting too nervous. things like issues with empathy and anger management are much more common for patients seeking dbt. it also helps if u tell them these things upfront. this makes u appear more self aware and in control, which works in ur favor and makes it less likely they'll view u as an active threat to urself or others. but it really just comes down to what ur looking for personally

[our-hyperace-experience]

i've had nowhere to talk about this, but this is the closest i can find. my experience is pretty much entirely unique so i don't think anybody can relate to it, but i need it off my chest.

hi, im a hypersexual aromantic-asexual. and an abuser.

i fucked up my last partner bad with my hypersexuality. and they exposed me for it. my mental health took a shit ton of hits during that whole time and just. any romantic or sexual attraction i felt went away completely. i've heard of people getting their romantic/sexual attraction taken away due to trauma, but i'm not sure if i'm a valid aroace person because. mine went away because of the trauma i caused other people. not the trauma put onto me.

i was doing really good. really good for a while. I didn't feel anything. no hypersexuality, no attraction. then i started talking to my victim again. we talked because of this whole big shitstorm event, and they admitted they missed us so much. It's been months and i know i've completely changed as a person, but i still did what i did to them. all that gross sex talk with them. the sexting they didn't want. my hypersexuality ruined them and it tears me up inside every goddamn day. yet they said they needed me.

and i can feel my hypersexuality and attractions coming back to them, and only them, and i'm screaming at myself that this is a "no". that i shouldn't do this. but they need me. it's been months. and they said how lonely they were without me. and every time, every time i think something sexual, it's always about them, and i'm disgusted. it can't be anybody else but them and i don't know what to do.

i want to stay ace. i want to stay aro. i want to make sure i never hurt anyone again. im 16. i shouldn't be feeling like this.

Hi, reading this, I honestly feel for you and your victim, here's what I'll say.

It's clear you are remorseful of your actions and regret for what you had do, acknowledging the harm you caused and taking responsibility is a very important step with self-growth and healing.

This also means that all the urges and desires you feel are most likely against your actual beliefs.

although, I don't know the specifics of what happened between the both of you and your victim. I will say, the victim claiming they miss you and that they feel lonely without you could be an effect from the past abuse.

What I would advise is set firm boundaries between you two, like, ex. avoid sexual topics. If you two's interactions might be triggering the sexual urges, I think writing down some possible boundaries that can reduce those might help.

If it's not enough, I'd also consider cutting ties with the victim, I know it's hard to do that considering the victim's feelings, but staying with someone that had deeply ruined them can also be unhealthy for the both of you.

Especially since you have been doing better during the time without them, and seeing how the urges came back when you started talking to them again could cause problems. If you think the urges are too much, don't be afraid to walk away from the relationship, even if it might sting, it's better to sting now than to damage later.

Another quick thing I wanted to add are healthy outlets. Typically, hypersexual desires and urges can be reduced when you have positive distracts, like exercise, hobbies or doing new activities.

Journaling your thoughts and emotions downs also helps out, it can make you process your emotions and understand the patterns of your behavior, this might help with self-navigation.

Overall, thats my advice, I tried avoiding telling you to get professional help, as many people might not have access to that. You are really brave for speaking out, even if its just to a tumblr blog. I'll keep this post untagged for you out of respect, I hope after this everything gets better, anon 🫂🤎

[lathiat]

I wanna ask before following or anything but since your carrd byf says you're anti self dx, would you be uncomfortable with someone who self diagnoses (with research + talking to other people that have (x) and agree with the person probably having (x) ) following you? I see you in my notifs sometimes but I don't wanna make you uncomfortable by following or anything if that would upset you. Sorry for the long message I tend to ramble

the thing im against is mostly calling it self diagnosis because its literally dangerous to diagnose oneself and be like 'no need to go to the doctor, i know what's up'. (<- unfortunately the behavior of many who use the term self diagnose) its not saying that doctors are always right but a lot of physical health issues can look like just mental health issues so you should always get tested if you can <3

anyways there's a reason why its a byf rather than a dni. it's because i don't really care who follows me (unless theyre suspicious). the byf is more like a 'hey, this opinion of mine might upset you so i'm letting you know up front so you don't get shocked later' than a 'i don't want people who think differently to follow me' except of course the bigots and the people into rpf

so yeah feel free to follow!!! its okay if you cant tell from this reply i ramble a lot too LOL

[sweetandsavageautistic]

(CW: Exhaustion rant, feeling invalidated, dysfunctional family, guilt-tripping)

I’ve been trying to stick to a schedule for a voice-acting project that I’m behind on and I’m starting to follow it; while I was editing up the part I planned to get done and send in today, my dad told me to watch the dog. I told him I was busy and he got mad at me, saying I don’t help around the house. He recognizes that the schedule I’m setting is something, but he always follows it up with “but....” I kind of feel like things I do have a tendency to fall on the back burner in favor of helping the family, but what if I put a dish in the wrong spot? What if I can’t fit something somewhere?

I’m tired of them asking me if I can do something, but having it not really be a question because there’s apparently a right answer.

I’m tired of them asking me if I want to do something and me saying no, then them asking me why not and when I answer, they get upset.

I’m tired of asking someone to go somewhere else to give me alone time to give me space for my mental health, realizing it may be a bit unreasonable, and then asking this instead:

[Photo ID: Text message in green saying “At the very least, can you stay there until about at least 10:30/10:45 or so, strongly preferably the latter? I’m not someone who can decompress quickly.

Text message in white, denoting a response from someone else, saying “Probably, but please think would you do that for me?”

Text message in green from the phone owner saying “So is that a yes or no?”

Text message in white, denoting a response from someone else, saying “I’m leaving soon but that’s mean Ill either be back at 10:30 or later.”

Text message in white, denoting a response from someone else, saying “But im upset you would ask that but no do that for me” Photo ID end]

I’m tired of confronting them about that and telling them it felt guilt-trippy only for them to turn it around and tell me that me telling them that something is for my mental health is the ultimate guilt-tripping phrase because it places the responsibility of someone’s mental health on another person.

I’m tired of someone in my family asking me how I am and my gut response being “what do you want?” because I’m so used to that being the reason they say hi to me.

I’m tired of my family seeing me as selfish for not wanting to spend time with them instead of trying to talk to me about why I feel that way.

I’m tired of my family getting upset at me for my chronic escapism instead of trying to talk to me about why it’s happening so much.

I’m tired of my twin sister micromanaging me on outings and vacations.

I’m tired of being told things like I can’t request songs like Solovey by go_a or songs from Ride the Cyclone on a song request sheet at a wedding because apparently I’m only supposed to request “basic wedding songs.”

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know who I am some days and instead I just borrow who I am from fictional characters to make up for what social skills classes stole from me.

I’m tired of sacrificing my sleep schedule because it’s quieter at night and no one is awake to tell me what to do.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one in the house without any sense of power or control.

I’m tired of feeling so out of place at parties. 

I’m tired of feeling like the tolerated friend, the one no one wants to actually form a close bond with, just to casually talk with.

I’m tired of feeling like I need to bottle up my emotions and my anger because I’m scared of confrontation.

I’m tired of people trying to push against any boundaries I may have set.

I’m tired of relying on allowance as my only source of income: If you want me to commission some writing, this exists. Please help me; I’m tired of relying solely on my parents for money: https://www.fiverr.com/lydialuna?up_rollout=true

I’m tired of feeling like every little mistake is going to make them upset and make them cut my allowance again.

I’m just.....tired....