#mdsa abuse

[overlookedsurvivors]

Maternal incest

[disabledautisticgreen]

My mom was my caretaker until she died. She made appointments for me and drove me places.

She also resented me and made fun of me often. She was my caretaker, but she didn't want to be, and she also abused me my whole life. Up until she died.

People don't like to think about child abuse that goes past the age of 18. Because people will just tell you to "just leave" as if you can

I've been fakeclaimed and called a spoiled brat for my mom being my caretaker. And bullied into having meltdowns because of it. Told i probably wasn't as mentally ill as i am

Now I don't really have anyone so nothing gets done. I get told to be an adult because i can't rely on my mom anymore. I dont know how to respond to it every time i get told it.

My mom was sexually abusive (mdsa), was emotionally abusive, medically neglected me, otherwise neglected me, and was financially abusive, and resented me, and got joy out of making other people (including me) upset. But she was still my caretaker of sorts

And now i dont have that and i cant get the help i need. People tell me i dont need my hand held to do some things when i say i do. Caretakers are usually family. Because the medical system sucks.

Caretakers are also sometimes disabled as well. My mom and I sometimes swapped who was taking care of who. Because it was just us. And she couldn't afford at at home aide for after her back and neck surgeries.

Caretakers can be abusive. But that doesn't mean they all are. They should be included. Because without caretakers, many disabled people will suffer

[wtchgrrl]

i think every mdsa survivor should listen to kill you by korn. it is the definition of catharsis methinks

[drdemonprince]

on the topic of your "bad gender" posts, the one you made mentioning sexual abuse (especially by mothers) is something nobody talks about at all and I'm glad you mentioned it.

My psychiatrist said I have CPTSD after I went through a huge breakdown after putting pieces together that I've been experiencing long-term sexual abuse from my mother (incredibly long story, but you get the idea). I still completely struggle with seeing what she's done and does as abuse, because it is totally buried in my mind that it is not abusive or strange because she is my mother. No matter how many times my friends and partner say it's wrong, or things like "imagine if it was your father", or my DBT therapist is straight up with me and tells me I was groomed by her, I just cannot get the idea that her being my mother specifically makes her behavior acceptable. (especially since I didn't come out as broadly transmasc until I was 18, and was thus seen as a complete extension of her and her body prior to).

I genuinely cannot comprehend where the line is between normal care and abuse because of what I've learned (from her or otherwise) maternal care looks like "compared to" paternal. And I just haven't found anything that's been able to really help me grasp what I've experienced because I just cannot understand why, or what I can do. The only thing I've found with others describing my specific experience is the MDSA subreddit, which is usually just extremely triggering for me to browse (obviously the content, but also the daughter framing and just the everything about it) so I don't go there, but it has shown me that many of us have lived very similar experiences, we just rarely recognized it as abnormal because it was our mother. Perceiving men as the inherently "bad gender" especially in terms of sexual abuse just makes me see red, and is a lot of why this can keep going on unnoticed. I don't really know what I'm trying to say, and I'm sorry to dump this here. It's hard to discuss the nuance of it without being kinda specific. I just saw you mention it and I rarely see the topic brought up, so I guess I just wanted to say thank you for doing so

Thank you so much for sharing this, anon. SO many children endure parentification, spousification, covert incest, and sexual abuse at the hands of their mothers and never get that mistreatment recognized as such because people view women as benevolent, passive caretakers rather than full human beings who are capable of harm. Adults wield immense power over children, particularly parents, and this power structure functions in much the same way men's power over women does -- it makes children into the property of adults, and facilitates abuse.

You are not alone in this experience at all. I'm sure you've heard all about Jeannette McCurdy's Memoir, but if you haven't read it, you might find it affirming. The poet Anne Sexton also sexually abused her daughter, Linda, who wrote a memoir about it called Searching for Mercy Street that is also a powerful read. The host of the podcast The Mental Illness Happy Hour is an adult survivor of covert sexual abuse at the hand of his mother, and he speaks about it quite frequently and thoughtfully on his show, and has interviewed numerous guests who have also survived covert incest. As a male survivor of sexual abuse at the hands of a woman, he's a rare, needed voice, and I've gotten a ton out of listening to it. There's also a self-help book on covert incest that I've read and appreciated called Silently Seduced. You may also find value in Issendai's analysis of estranged parent forums -- lots of documentation of abusive female parents and how they justify themselves to be found there, and the author eviscerates it expertly.

I hope that reading and listening to some of this material will help you to more clearly see the outlines of your own abuse and to recognize it as wrong and distinct from true maternal care. It wasn't my mom who was the chief boundary violator in my household, it was my dad, but a lot of what he did mimicked the traditionally "maternal" abuse profile, and all these resources helped me wrap my head around it a lot better. It's triggering stuff, but I think it is worth plunging these depths when you feel safe to do so, to what ever degree you can comfortably manage. You might want to dig up the Mental Illness Happy Hour episodes specifically about the host's abuse experience first, since that focuses on a man's experience of having been groomed by his mom.

Thanks for writing. My inbox is open if you wanna talk. This stuff was a foundational trauma for me that I have processed heavily and I'm always willing to discuss it more with people who have been there. <3

[traumatizeddfox]

Actually Fox, hold on. Please don’t answer my last question, let me rephrase it. I didn’t describe it so well.

Also, here’s a TW. I’m so sorry I forgot to put that beforehand, it slipped my mind. I just wanted a quick answer as soon as possible since I was kinda spiraling.

TW for mention of menstrual cycles, menstruation tools like pads and tampons, vaginal insertion and vaginal pain/discomfort.

Is it normal for mothers to insert menstrual tools like a tampon into their daughter’s vagina for them?

It happened when I was a teenager, probably around 15-16 years old but I cant remember exactly what age. My mom was taking me to her sister’s friend’s house to go swimming with her and her kids. But my period had come down. I really wanted to swim, but I didn’t want to mess up my bathing suit by the bleeding, so I asked my mom.

She suggested I wear a tampon instead. I had only used pads ever since my period had come down, I had never used a tampon before cuz I never had a need or interest for it, and I didn’t really know much about it.

Therefore, I had no idea how to use it, so my mom instead decided to insert the tampon in for me. I agreed since I wanted to swim and she made it seem like a tampon would be the easiest method. She inserted it, and it hurt. I told her it hurt. She told me it was meant to hurt because nothing had been inserted into my vagina before, so it was gonna hurt.

I believed her but I still told her that it hurt. But I saw the look on her face; she looked very uncomfortable and disgusted and irritated by the fact that I kept complaining. She huffed in irritation too. So I ignored my pain so she could get it over with and not be angry anymore, I didn’t like being the cause for my mom’s irritation.

Now, I tried researching MDSA (mother-daughter sexual assault) to try and know more about it, and I saw that maternal perpetrators tend to conduct the act under the guise of a medical procedure, which sounded like what my mom did. I also learned that tampons are not supposed to hurt when they’re being inserted inside the vagina— it only does that when it’s inserted at an improper angle (I’m not sure if that entirely true, but I searched multiple websites that said the same thing, so I assume it’s true).

I’m asking this question because I just really want a clear answer, as I’m pretty confused and scared right now. Is this normal, or could this be considered sexual abuse or rape?

I’m very sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. You do not have to read it if so. But if you do, thank you. - 🌌

I have no idea if it’s considered sexual abuse or rape but it definitely is weird that your mom continued. it would be one thing if ur mom was helping you but the fact you told her it hurt and she kept going is very weird and still NOT okay!!

if it made you uncomfortable that’s all you need to know because regardless if it’s rape or sexual abuse it still hurt you!!

[faggling]

I've been so agitated and hypersexual and dissociative this week because of one (1) nightmare and I'm so pissed

tw for:

csa, csam, trafficking, mdsa, slut shaming(? I can't think of a better word)

I always have nightmares and I'm the normal amount of traumatized, but this one was just too much ig.

There's a particular kind of terror you experience in survival situations that's unique and hard to replicate. Even when I'm in a flashback or dissociative, the fear I feel is never exactly like it was then. There's a dreaminess to the fear or it just turns into a panic attack. Panic isn't the same as terror.

When I woke up from this nightmare, I felt it again. It faded quickly and didn't return, but I felt it. I felt the raw throated, tear stained, blood chilling sense of imminent abuse and I never wanted to feel that way again.

I don't remember a whole lot of it. I do remember it was about my mom and I do know it included sexual abuse. I was home. There was the familiar scene of me trying desperately to hold the bathroom door closed while she screamed and bashed at it. Accusations of promiscuity thrown at child me. The twisted irony of that is never lost on me. The fact that she fucking assaulted me and then told me I was a whore.

I always wonder how much she knew about other perpetrators or if she was involved. I don't think so, but I just don't know. I was already sold to make a quick buck for others, so why not her too? Who knows. Idek if there was money involved tbh. Given the greed of my abusers though, I have a hard time believing I was fucked for free. Although if there actually was csam made, maybe that's where the money came in? I wouldn't think so because of the time period this would've happened during but also I have no idea how that whole industry works.

I haven't talked about a lot of this in therapy yet. We've been seeing her for 4 years and she knows we have a long line of abusers and that family was involved. I just don't believe myself I think. I have enough information to know these things could have definitely happened, but not enough to feel certain. The specifics don't matter as long as I process the results, but it feels wrong to hide this sometimes. Like maybe I'm stopping myself from actual processing because I don't trust her to genuinely believe me.

I have no reason to think she wouldn't, but I can't shake the feeling. And I know it would break something in me if she didn't. Or if I feel like she didn't. That's the hard one; making me feel believed and heard instead of paranoid and angry and self destructive.

This is a real classic vent post oops lol. I'm going to be okay, but I'm just so so tired of trauma.

[ohiowriter]

[m-d-s-a]

Beverly Ogilvie (2004), Mother-Daughter Incest: A Guide for Helping Professionals

[ffuturefoundation]

when will people stop acting like trauma is a competition, and acting as if it is okay to invalid other people just bc of their own experiences.

like okay i was sexually abused by my mom every day for years and years and years, and i think that is a special kind of horrible a lot of people cannot relate to.

but that doesn’t mean that someone who has experienced something different can’t have experienced severe trauma. or be valid in their trauma.

like it is entirely possible for someone who was sexually abused once by a stranger when they were an adult to at this specific point in time be more traumatised than i am. that is completely possible and not even unlikely.

on a large scheme this two things are incomporable but that also doesn’t mean that mine or their trauma is more serious. 

these things are completely different. and there is no way of measuring them

[x-honeycomb-x]

(again, trigger warning for sexual harassment at home, MDSA, incest; also not a thirst post)

been reclaiming feminine stuff a lot recently, and in the process I have re-opened a door for sexual harassment at home again

I am considering going “back to the closet”, aka dressing more masculine to avoid having my feminine presentation criticized/sexualized

but I’m gonna avoid it if it’s safe, I don’t want abuse to rob me of my diverse gender expressions

I’ve been really dysphoric about addressing the harassment I receive from my girlmode/from when I was fem presenting/from presenting feminine

I usually just jump into my male privileges and the disinterest

but I think I am ready to face this (cause I’ve been saying “practice consent in your girlmode” and it actually helped) and I wanna feel safe and live my life

thank you for letting me share; the rest of you stay safe with your kinks <3

[placeholder11234]

Wounds from MDSA

[overlookedsurvivors]

From twitter. Censored usernames to prevent harassment.

[m-d-s-a]

Thank you for having this blog. I know you probably made it more for yourself than for anyone who would see it, to keep track of your own things, but the topic is one that no one ever really shares anything about and it always feels isolating. Alot of tags relating to things of this nature tend to always be blocked by websites, for reasonable reasons ig to avoid how the internet likes to go about certain topics, but it makes it hard to not feel alone. Sometimes it can feel like I'm the only one who's ever dealt with something like this. MDSA is the only tag about these things that isn't blocked by the websites, and it's always so empty. So seeing you post on it with a blog like this feels less alone ig. I'm sorry you've been put in situations that make it applicable, and I hope you can find more literature to post highlights of

Actually... I did make this blog because I felt much the same like you; unable to find much of anything online. A mostly dead subreddit, and a lot of websites that pop up when you search for information that have nothing to do with the abuse and are usually very upsetting. Like you say, it's a topic that often gets filtered because of... reasons. It is alone, and I did hope that maybe some people would look for the tag on tumblr like I did, and feel a bit less alone seeing someone else post there.

Thank you for sending me this, it means that my sharing helped at least one person and that means the world to me. I will keep on looking for other books/articles/papers and share it here if I stumble upon anything. I found a book in my native language - if there's anything in there, I might translate it and post it here as well.

Wishing you all the best in your own journey. Take care, and remember: while it often feels that way, you are not alone.

[overlookedsurvivors]

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRPGUN5X/

Chapter from Jennette Mccurdy’s memoir