#maybe then ill feel better or smth
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today my city is apparently one of the most hazardous (in terms of air quality) in the world so im stuck inside (by myself, because my whole family ditched me to go to BC) for god knows how long, apparently whatever happened while i was GONE mustve done some shit to the power unit in my PC because i Finally got it to turn some lights on by plugging it in elsewhere but not enough to actually Turn On (and a bunch of work i need to get done is on that computer), and i definitely lost my lil earbud thingy the other day
i hate basing life off of things like karma but bad things really do hit all at once huh
#when i mean bad. i mean. well on the insta page that is lowkey a newssource for my city. apparently going outside today and breathing in#that air is like the equivalent of smoking 14.1ish fucking cigarettes#like jesus fucking christ. it definitely Smells (opened the door briefly to take out the cat poop) but damn i really Am stuck in here huh#im really hoping repairing my pc wont cost too much because i Still dont have a job. im just waiting to hear back on that one#fuuuuck most of the data for the one paper i wanted to address is on my pc and i cant even relax and play skyrim or minecraft cause guess#what!!!!! hngngngng#and i woke up too late yesterday to take my meds so that already ended up being a waste day#goddddd#i just need to kick myself into working and maybe hammer out some fic on my laptop#maybe then ill feel better or smth#personal#mandont
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idk how me sketching animals from an old How To Draw book turned into "realism painting of booster" but sure ill post that I Guess
#booster gold#micheal jon carter#dc comics#dc fanart#i probably should like. actually post my dc art more often but i hate posting traditional stuff bc i dont have a scanner#maybe ill do some JLI sketches or smth. or panel redraws from the comics i just bought. hm. we shall see#anyway WOW I HATE DRAWING/PAINTING HUMAN FACES IN REALISM! THERES SMTH ABOUT MOUTHS/LIPS THAT MAKE THEM JUST FEEL OFF-PUTTING NO MATTER WHA#and yet it still looks better than some Official Comics Artists i could name <3 and they do that for their JOBS for MONEY so.#sorry not sorry to reblog the boy you also have to reblog my bird practice
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uh oh besties, it might be time for my (almost) annual Dishonored replay again
#this time ill probably play it in german#im always a little curious about german translations ngl#i also need to replay disco elysium in german one day#ive been watching my friend play and hes been using the switching the languages back and forth feature a lot#and honestly some of the things in the translation really intrigue me#they translated 'innocence' to 'Schuldreine' which is a choice and I honestly love it#they could have said 'Unschuldige' or just 'Unschuld' but 'Schuldreine' is so much better imo#bc its not the most immediately obvious choice of translation#whatever thats a ramble for another day#point is: I replay dishonored a lot bc - and this is maybe a little embarrassing -#i have this really convoluted af rwby and dishonored crossover AU that has been plaguing (hah) my mind since like?? 2020 or smth#and im always like alright lemme replay the games and rewatch the show so i can work on it#and then i always stop after replaying the first game haha it has become tradition to me at this point#bc i get embarrassed :( of my interests :( again :( *kicks rock*#yea yea i know unlearning shame and all that im working on it. anyways dont mind me im feeling chatty today
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“try journaling” they said, “it’ll help you” they said.
#this shit ain’t helping#this is also me just being too afraid to let go in my entries because my parents like to snoop through my stuff#i tried journaling in middle school and my mom went through it and screamed at me for writing about feeling su*cidal#so#maybe it’s just cause i don’t wanna fully let go therefore i don’t actually feel better#maybe ill come up with some code words or smth in case they do go thru it#idk they said they have the right to go thru it because they’re my parents but idk like it’s my private shit#‘i need to get better at hiding things lol#im ok in all seriousness just processing
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Aoetic desecration and S.O.S both having this rising section of guitar, but in AD it ends after just a few rounds whereas in S.O.S it just keeps climbing and climbing and climbing higher and higher; and the way that section version of that guitar section puts me in mind of the visuals of Nathan climbing that hill during Knubbler's training, making it feel as if S.O.S is triumphant not effortlessly but with great effort and exertion to keep rising and not falling- because failing or giving up is easier sometimes but that doesn't make it the right thing to do, same as sometimes persevering and succeeding and doing the right thing is sometimes hard fucking work but that doesn't make it worthless or not something you should do.
This isn't a hidden theme, its just textual it's literally what Nathan's arc entails, i'm not saying anything big nor smart lol- but i do just like how narratively the instrumentals of the movies music drive the movies themes home too in this way! It adds so much more to feel and sink your teeth into when it comes to this plotline about him having to put the effort in to be a better person and to grow and do the right thing instead of just resorting to giving up or falling back on old habits and what he knows and does best!!
#jay talkin#metalocalypse#army of the doomstar#aotd spoilers#i care him so fucking much i do i cant deny it and this movie is my fuckin everything#im so tired i got no idea if im making sense rn im rlly just saying shit. anyway. aotd fucking good#n also hey w the themes around nathans wellbeing in this movie i also fuckin connect to like#IDK. IN A METAPHORICAL SENSE BEING A GUY IN A SIMILAR POSITION B4. LESS APOCALYPTIC BUT YKNOW#yyouuuu can see some of this to be abt recovery to and doing better and it makes it feel like. acknowleged that YEAH ITS FUCKING HARD#and i like that triumphant feeling of 'we have to keep fighting. its fucking hard and youll want to give up but we have to' IDK ITS GOOD#DUNNO. s'not intentional probably but i can see smth thats meaningful to me personally in there#not coherent enough to figure this personal feeling out rn maybe ill ruminate and type it out another time. im tired.
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I hate how I'm like this.
Then my mutual interacts with me
But then I'm back to this
#i get a short burst of seretonin then it just. ends#honestly ill reblog when im tagged or smth but idk if i can stay active for any longer.#i feel just#so so ill#everything hurts and i have a KILLER migraine#im probably gonna just. stay offline as long as i can#i need to do things irl#and my mums aunt has an infection#shes like 80#if she survives this we dont think shes going to make it to secember#i cant fucking do this#ive already had two people die this year#i cant handle another#i cant do this#i love talking to friends but im jusy hanging on by a thread rn#maybe ill be better soon#i dont know
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chat i think this is why they say that social media is bad for people
#i usually get like 1 or 2 notes and this flood of them is kinda making me nervous#not to mention all like the sorta pointless negativity its generating#you know how people say its better to put positive stuff out in the world for transfems then to say fuck terfs??#thats kind of how i feel right now#i kind of wish i couldve had something else blow up like maybe my epic fursona or smth#or like fanart of this#i couldve redrawn it so people would know i was being silly#i mean not entirely i still think terfs r stupid#but like theyd know im not really trying to start a conversation on that one specifically#i would love to talk about like the subtle ways they prey on vulnerable people#and like drag them down into their self destructive worldviews with them#but that wasnt really what i was shooting for#maybe ill just draw cool vivian and mario hanging out and being pals or something#tumblr dot com is kind of stressing me out more than usual#okay well no its epic to say fuck terfs#but i dont want to focus *just* on that#ok rant over
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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MORE ART!! moooore art! this time some digital pics! to mess around w my new tablet / laptop hybrid thingy! featuring 1 random elf girl and some pics of my vampire character henry! who i last drew like a million years ago but! im allowed to draw her again ghgh her designs rlly fun!
#original#original art#artists on tumblr#vampire#vampire girl#elf#doodles#blood#these were fun to draw tho!#and i like how they turned out!#i feel like im realizing smth about myself.. and its that#i find painterly shading annoying gHG#idk maybe ill get more confident in it but#i kinda like the pics that are just flat colored here more lol. and they were funner to draw!#like. for the fullbody one i actually tried to do shading for it and was basically done but then just got rid of all of it cuz i was like#oh wait... this looks bad lol#and getting rid of the shading made it way better!#idk tho lol
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can i uhhh gwt a loan of $5000 please
#let me minimalisw my payments from the $150 it is to $50 a wk or wtv.#hell ill even settle for $75 tbh .#bc i have no issue paying shit off. i can do it. but .#also off topic but i did . some dish washing today#it was 3 pieces of cutlery a cup and 2 bowls but . progress.#i woke up at like 11am feeling the deoths of despair and decided to nap all day. ive been Awake#awake for maybe an hour ? or two???#and im trying tocget the strength to fucming shower. bc ik itll make me feel better#but im so sick of feeling depressed man. i docall#i forget that . this isnt smth i can rlly Fix. its smth i just have to learn to manage and cope with but if i dont wanna#throw a tantrum everytume i wake up wity a storm cloud over my brain and thr grey feeling tintign my senses....#fr abt to just quit my job#takw mt final paycheck and book it as far as $300 in fuel will take me#only issue is my tires fucked. i cannot suppirt ymself properly without 2 companies on my ass for debt#and as impulsive as i wanna be abt this if i dont think this through i will end up jobless and homeless#which i refuse 💜
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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Applying for vet school wish me luck 🥲
#i dont feel ready this application round but if i dont apply now ill have to wait a full year and idk what ill do w myself for that long#might as well try maybe figure out what i can do better for next round or smth#idk why im so nervous!!! ugh#and the fact it costs so much like goddd
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they say that "time heals all wounds" but i honestly think that upping my anti-depressants has done more for me
#.jokes#hashtag comedy#ok but actually. upping my dosage has rocked my world this last week#i hope this continues!!!!!!!#today is The Day im Feeling It#still a very tired busy guy but at least im not explodingexplodingexploding#also on a serious note. time just passes. it passes no matter what. time is not a remedy to trauma#time will go on but you may get stuck on loop. therapy. unpacking what happened to you. finding coping mechanisms that#work for you. medication maybe. these r things that help#the pain still exists. and it can be just as strong depending on the trauma. but hopefully the time between incidents/episodes lessens#fill the space where u feel capable and free with love laughter joy. fill it with little tasks that set you up to have a better time when#things r feeling bad again#sometimes ill do smth as small as writing out a phone number i need to call in the morning Just to cut out the step of googling it in the#morning. bc in the morning The Phone Call may seem monumental and impossible. but a lil bit less so if everything i need (#the number & what i wanna say) are written out before me#also also. last thing. the beginning of this is to be read exactly how the person in ''it could take 5 or 6 stores or just 1'' says it#thank u.#.txt#maria is literally just rambling. hi#personal#yes this ok to reblog. its meant to make u snort#mental health#/pos#silly hour!
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Im kind of feeling like i can't take it anymore
#vent#bad sad sleep-deprived and mentally ill#i am currently crying myself to sleep just fucking sobbing because everything hurts#my brain is failing me my body us failing me#i dont know what to do with myself#so many things are happening so many things hurt and i have no body to talk to#i have never felt so utterly alone#i hate myself for even writing this because i feel so pathetic and as if im just whining for attention#because i probably am#some lame ass cry for help because i really don't know how to function at this point#truly i am just so fucking alone#and there is just so much that is happening and i cant share it with anyone so it just all stays in my stupid brain and#probably makes me more mentally ill or smth#and for however long all i do is keep myself from crying during the day bc i cant let my family catch me having mental breakdowns#yet i have all of these painful thoughts that are plaguing my mind all the fucking time#i am just so so tired#and i keep thinking about death and it's so fucking scary#i just wish i wasn't myself and i had a different brain i could be better than this because maybe then i would be fine#at home im in toxic hell#in online spaces i have no one actually close to me#in my brain i have horrible thoughts and hardcore daydreaming distactions that dont fix anything#in my course i think im not doing well enough and im scare dthat my the end of it im still going to be a useless unemployed moron#on my silly blog i think if i dont make content i have no value and ehatever i make is not even that good or interesting#so i better cover it up with quantity but i dont have time or ability to do so#which again makes me into a fucking Nothing#god my head hurts so much#that's what u get for wailing at 4 am#anyways i am doing horrible and i can't take it anymore truly reaching my fucking limit#all my fault tho so ☺#delete later and if someone actually reads it Um sorry for this i am hashtag unwell 😋💫
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My tattoo artist yesterday told me that I was really good at getting tattooed and all I could think about was that I was getting a good grade in tattoo
#anyway now i got a funny guy#id post a pic but its on my thigh and i feel uncomfortable posting the pic i have of it freshly done here#where strangers can see#its on the middle-lower outer thigh and takes up a sizable chunk so you have an idea where it is#maybe if i can get a pic that is mainly tattoo ill post it#but for now just imagine a funny skeleton in a medieval bard outfit playing a lute sitting on the moon#the moons got a face kinda like an old picture book or smth#so ive been calling them funny guy and mr moon#funny guy needs a better name but also i dont usually name things tbh#my horseshoe crab tattoo doesnt have a name and i got that last august#oh well#its a non-issue#enjoy my midnight ramblings
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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