#maybe the medicine is working better than the other one and i think im able to ACTUALLY be in control of myself than giving myself that
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kyorru-remade · 24 days ago
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i cannot for the life of me tell whether something is a compulsion or just a basic thing that has to be done
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bearieio · 1 year ago
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ellie w. hcs :3
bc im seeing them everywhere and i need to put in my 2¢. thank you. (also not proofread :P)
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⋆ biggest hayley kiyoko fan for like 3 years (the intro to ‘girls like girls’ was her ringtone when she was 14). would beg joel to take her to random record stores that they passed by just to see if they had any hayley kiyoko cds.
⋆ because of joel, she listens to a lot of 70s-90s dad rock. 
⋆ can’t drive for shit. like literally she’s not allowed to drive without her glasses
⋆ she needs glasses btw. she doesn’t wear them because she’s already too much of a loser. but when she does where them, you tease her endlessly about them. 
⋆ can and will sleep on the floor whenever prompted. no blankets, no pillows needed. just her and the floor.
⋆ isn’t allowed to drink any sort of energy drinks on account of a previous incident that had to do with about 3 cans of redbull and 2 large cans of the ‘Java Monster.’
⋆ isn’t allowed to own small pets (like gerbils, guinea pigs, hamsters, etc.) because she’d definitely forget about them. 
⋆ owns big dogs. great danes, newfoundlands, irish wolfhounds, mastiffs, st bernards, YOU NAME IT, SHE HAS IT (or has had it)
⋆ when she’s older, i feel like she’d be like one of those white people who has 192793999 dogs for no reason 
⋆ since her mannerisms are so much like joels, you guys argue playfully all the time about how things should be done, often bringing others into it too. 
���jesse, tell her!” he flips her phone screen around to reveal a very tired jesse, “it’s 1AM, ellie-“ 
“TELL HER!” 
⋆ i feel like at random times, she’ll just grab your boob(s). i don’t know why and you’ve never said anything about it, so she hasn’t stopped…… very handsy….
⋆ audibly goes “honk honk!” almost every time she gives ‘em a squeeze.
⋆ she’s a really sloppy kisser. not like boy-sloppy, but like the hot, messy, girl sloppy bc that sounds better and honestly i think her kisses would be the best.
⋆ she was one of those kids who’d eat dirt and find bugs all the time
because of this, she’s the designated bug killer/bug-getter-outter…. idk
⋆ she’s the worst drunk you know.
like literally sssoooooooooo messy oh my god. but you love her nonetheless :)
she’s soo clingy, and, touchy (like more than usual), but also much more emotional and sensitive than usual when she’s drunk or when she’s sick.
⋆ ellie tends to be quite difficult when she’s sick. BUT! you make it work bc you love her and she loves you :>
when you bring ellie her favorite drink from her favorite coffee shop, you literally have to fight her to be able to get out the front door. when you get up to serve her lunch, you’ve got to peel her off of you because she refuses to let you leave her side. when you go and get the medicine she says she doesn’t need…. you guessed it, she fights for you to stay in bed next to her.
“babe, what if i die right here, when you leave- like- BABE PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME-“ she bewails, crossing her arms and huffing at the sight of you leaving her.
⋆ when you catch her playing her guitar, she sometimes gets all shy and plays the wrong chords n stuff. 
“don’t LOOK! >:(” she says, gripping the body of her guitar, glaring in your direction.
“oh!- okay” you say, throwing your hands up in a playful manner, giggling. 
⋆ but the times where she’s not shy about playing in front of you, she’ll ask you if you want to play.
“do you uh- maybe wanna play? i could teach you” she suggests, gesturing toward the stringed instrument.
but then after, she’d tease you about your finger placement :(
“i said the fourth fret, girl, not the second, or, the third!” she says, in between laughs.
“well fourth from the top or the bottom?!” you scoffed, looking at her, still puzzled.
she knows your trying your best but it’s still fun to poke at you when she can >:)
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constructive criticism is appreciated !!!
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imaginesofeverykind · 6 months ago
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Witches Brew ~ Chapter 4
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Summary: To practice magic is to slight God with the devil's embrace. It is evil, sin, consuming and the price one pays is never worth what one seeks. Yet people, in times of desperation often turn to desperate measures, in Aegon’s case, medicinal remedy is not an option. No healer can undo what has been done. But the Hag tucked away behind reeds, water topped with algae and the voracious bog may be able to. For a price.
Warnings: Blood and Gore, Character Death, catholic-centric monotheism demonised
Tags: DnD Fusion AU, Targaryens are noblefolk, Aegon is a werewolf.
Word Count: 6.1k
Chapter Song: ‘O’Death’ Theme (Until Dawn Soundtrack) - Jeff Grace, Amy Van Roekel
SORRY THIS IS TWO WEEKS LATE !!! I literally got slammed at work two weeks in a row, i did so much OT and im SORRY but here she is yall :’(((((
Series Masterlist
You’re Back. The void bringing a sense of unnerving, and much like it had been the previous time — overstimulated the senses tenfold like a barrage of everything all at once. You move, but there is no feeling of your legs carrying you, just that you have moved from point to point with no memory of getting there. It was a more disorienting form of how you materialize from one place to the other, except in the prime realm you knew where you were going.
Here, there was nothing to determine a position or place other than the faint sense of knowing you weren’t in the same place. A droning of magical song ebbs and flows, louder or softer depending on whichever direction you appear to be going. Perhaps spirits are reaching out or even the Gods, faintly you recall Auntie speaking in hushed whispers whenever she reached out to Syrrelio, God of Blood, and think for a moment that this may be his domain.
Though you wait, there is no voice calling from the great beyond, no divine message flowing through you or even a presence to indicate a greater celestial presence. There was something, however. A beacon of warmth beckoning you in the void, barely detectable but the heat was like being in close proximity of a large fire during a winter blizzard.
Finally, the small glimmer of light sparkles like a flare against the abyssal backdrop of pitch black darkness. At first you think your eyes are playing tricks on you, but it flickers again and there is an instant and urgent pull to go to whatever has your attention. An exit from this madness? Maybe so, but it was an answer you would not get this visit.
A violent and abrupt flash of light from the sun’s spotty beams cutting through the trees of the kitchen window jerk you back to the prime realm. There is a moment of utter confusion as you take in the surroundings with care, the hut remains in tact and in normal shabby condition, but the cause of confusion is that you are standing over the table with a sprig of dried Goodberry clutched in your hands hovering over the Mortar and Pestle.
Strange.
These… episodes… weren’t something brought on by sleeping it seemed. They were involuntary, like someone - or better yet - something was trying to send a message. It was only slightly unnerving to say the least, but shakily you continued on creating the healing brew like you weren’t just psychically accosted by an unseen force or entity.
The days were short but slowly dragged on a little later each day, now that Dead Winter’s Day had been to pass. Snow was still falling in excess, marking a relatively relentless bitter winter as the trees of the swamp withered and the bottle brush shrubs discoloured from frostburn. It wasn’t just the cold that swept through the dreary feeling across the swamp, you could sense that despite restoring Ornmirs shrine it had not settled the spirit.
Her unstable energy seemed to entice more malevolent creatures to the area, Stirges were now the least of your problems.
Your current problem required more attention — this evenings full moon was a mere few hours away judging by the soft sweeping darkness encasing the swamp and Aegon was yet to arrive. Since he started coming to see you he had been relatively punctual, often arriving midday at the earliest or mid-afternoon at the latest but never this close to dark.
It deeply concerned you, more than expected and it only slightly embarrassed you. The deep inner voices within your mind were at a battle, one half expressing urgent distress and beckoning to go and investigate, the other half was trying its best to reason and that there was nothing to worry about.
Today, it seemed, anxiety was much louder than reason. That paired with the unpleasant feeling that twisted inside your gut was reason enough for you to throw on your cloak and disappear into nothing, appearing back in reality inside the Fortress that overlooked Oldtown. He’d be beside himself if he hurt anyone, is what you tell yourself to not feel flustered and to justify why you’re going to him. Deep down you know he cared little for those inside the stony fort, only his siblings had the privilege.
Your hood concealed a great deal of your face and the cloak hid the rest of your attire, aware that you didn’t exactly look like the typical local roaming. It was disturbingly quiet which was odd enough considering it was renowned for housing belligerently loud swordsmen and knights.
And yet, as you cross the courtyard with a purpose it was as quiet as a chapel. Your eyes scanned the few people, some were holy men, some were servants and others were simple folk or traders but not a single notable individual in sight. Time was not on your side, as you give the darkening sky a despondent look before quickly making haste to the West Wing of the building.
Living quarters were located within the West Wing and if Aegon had any sense, he’d have locked himself in his room lest he be set loose to attack any ignorant wanderer. The lack of people around may have been a blessing in disguise, making things easier to lurk around without fear of being caught.
Most of the holy men were headed to the East Wing, where you had to assume the inbuilt chapel was since for the last three corridors you only passed servants who looked at you with curious glances but said nothing or alerted anyone. This corridor in particular inlaid carved stone, a garish green rug trailed from end to end with golden accents and the holy symbol of their false god reminded you how much you despised their religion.
The thought had barely registered in your head, softly stepping on the carpet and past a door that was half open.
”— and what of Aegon?”
Hearing his name pricked your ears and forced you to come to a stop, the voice was raspy, struggling to speak and airy. Viserys, was the first thought that came to your head, shocked slightly at how quickly he sounded to be deteriorating. You lean against the carvings that lined the door, not caring to look up and inspect whatever lavish artistry has been wasted on accenting what amounted to a door hole.
“If I may speak plainly, my Lord… Aegon… he is a sinner.” Another voice, older but more confident. A priest. You think, a holy devoted man. “He has been unfit to take over long before you became ill, you must know this, your Lady wife knows this.”
Your eyes flicker to the window, the sky darkening with each moment, you have little time to waste but find it difficult to step off from the wall you leant against, wanting to hear what was being said while Aegon was absent. From the stories he has vaguely revealed, you piece together that this can’t be very pleasant —.
”—Devil work is at play, are we to ignore what Ser Criston reported back… The hag of the swamp may be gone but she has left a younger in her stead. A younger, might I add that Aegon has been seen visiting every month.” A stern female voice snapped imperiously, ah, you stop to focus, Alicent.
“There is no charge, no proof, we can’t simply abscond the witchling or trial her.” The priest grew weary by the sounds of things. This discussion had been happening for a long while before you happened to stop by and eavesdrop. “Though… we may still be able to help Aegon. A procedure a higher devout can perform, through the word of God, to banish any and all devils that possess a human.”
The silence was thick, almost as though there was a fourth person speaking amongst the three until it was broken, “send one of the stablemen to Durrenden, I want Aegon back here tonight for the procedure. I also want Ser Criston sent to the swamp bitches abode and have her apprehended for maleficium, devil craft, seduction and heresy. She has poisoned my son long enough, I want her burnt in the square.”
A threat against your very being didn’t seem to spark fear within you like it should have, it had quite distinctly the opposite effect, a giddy smirk tugged at the corners of your lips. You’d never been a part of a witch hunt before and it sounded rather exhilarating.
“She is right, I will not have another of my children marr this house with shame. Do what must be done,” Viserys weary and tired seemed to want to put an end to the conversation - or arguing - you weren’t entirely sure.
You make a face, once again feeling that you should be fearful or somewhat scared but instead find the ordeal quite amusing. Mayhaps the confidence in Lady Alicents imperious tone about your persecution was what tickled at your humour. Auntie was sure to have cackled if she were present, but the nagging feeling stirring within drew your smirk down to a thin line.
Aegon could not be taken tonight, that was of utmost importance — The nebulous ‘procedure’ the holy man spoke of did well to cause unease within, if anything about this religion was clear is that many of this belief did horrendous acts to justify and uplift their false idol.
Durrenden. The small village southwest of Oldtown, bordering the edge of the swamp was all you seemed to know of it, not being the one you occasionally pass through for fresh produce. But Alicent’s comment on sending their Holy Knight there gave answer to why the Fortress was so barren of life, as to why Aegon and the swordsmen were down there, remained a mystery.
With little time left you close into yourself, disappearing within a blink and reappearing on the outer edges of the swamp. Durrenden a short walk, silhouetted by the sun that had begun descending behind it, haloing golden edges around the small huts and buildings. Temporary battlements had been set up, tents scattered close to the town's walls and many swordsmen wearing the insignia of their God.
One might think they were ready for war, though you had no time to ask or answer hypotheticals inside your head. Time was running low if the colour of the sky was any indication. Hurried in stride and purposeful with your steps, Durrenden surrounded you quickly with its townsfolk sneering and occasional swordsman wearily casting gazes. None of the strangers blurring past you had violet eyes nor silver locks of hair which caused unsteady panic to brew within, there was a small voice in the back of your mind that cast doubt. What if he was already at the hut? Perhaps he snuck away without anyone seeing him, but the surplus of men and eyes around indicated that the task may be unfeasible.
The steady stream of armored men flowing to and from the village tavern served as a good starting point, remembering Aegon mentioning that he’d sneak into the Howling Keep (a poor mans tavern) in Oldtown. The naming convention humoured you greatly at the time, though Aegon grimaced and looked at you with a deadpan expression.
You push open the Oak doors, not caring for the two patrons you cut off by doing so causing a slight commotion. Everyone within turned their heads and fell silent once their gaze fell on you — from head to toe not a single thing about the attire you adorned or markings drawn into your skin indicated you were a commoner or local.
Scanning the room, your eyes fell on a pair of violet ones, familiar but not Aegon’s. They were deeper violet, one slightly off colour and colder, narrowed down to a cautious glare. Aemond. Dressed in dark leathers, chain mail glinting from beneath the studded black vest with a different insignia. Not a symbol of their God but a house crest. A Three-Headed Dragon.
“Where is he?” You demand, disregarding all others in the tavern, speaking to him as though you were the only two in the room.
He is still for a moment, though you aren’t able to decipher if he’s wanting to argue back or is merely conflicted in aiding you. As far as you were aware he had at least a vague idea of what occurred on full moons, and must know that was the reason for your intrusion. Yet, he hesitates.
Two swordsmen step forward before he holds a hand out and dismisses them, there is a soft grumble in displeasure while he strides toward you. He brushes past you, heading back out the way you came, and you follow quietly behind him. Many of the locals and swordsmen watch with attentiveness, judgment passing through their cold glares as if you were on your way to lead Aemond to eternal damnation right before their eyes.
Neither of you exchange discussion as there was little need to do so, yet the question of why Lord Targaryen’s men were out in Durrenden as though an invasion was due hung at the tip of your tongue. It never passes your lips, even as he leads you to one of the larger tents, the same house crest embroidered on the tent door.
Inside, unlike sleeping quarters like you anticipated to see, there sat a large cage manned by a single guard. Within it, Aegon sat slumped against one of the bars in some type of drunken stupor though his pained groans carried to your ears instantly. The cage is far too large for something like a lycanthrope, your first thought followed by, they’re going after Ornmir.
Your question was finally answered but there was much too little time to reprimand Aemond and the men of the battalion. In a quick sweep, you fade from beside the younger brother and appear beside Aegon who hadn’t quite processed your arrival just yet. “Apologies, we must make haste — I don’t have time to explain,” your voice is softer than you expected, voice cradling him as though he were an injured animal.
He looks up at you, eyes half lidded but attentive when they search your face. Sweat beaded down his forehead, down past his flushed cheeks, “bumble,” he whispers in a drunken slur and it takes you a moment to realize he is addressing you.
“I’ve nothing to give for the pain,” you fumble with the pouch on your belt before gently placing a hand at the base of his neck to cradle his head and the other to grip his arm tightly. You cast a pointed look at Aemond before your surroundings fade away, no longer encaged and inside a tent but now surrounded by dozens of trees on an old faded trail. The furthest south of the Swamp, knowing it was too risky to return to the hut.
It seemed as though you had mere minutes to spare, the sky no longer streaked with orange and yellow, completely covered in darkness with the moon rising over the horizon.
***
Faint mildew and damp earth fill your nostrils as you awaken, there is initial panic when your eyes fly open to surroundings that weren’t the decrepit interior of your abode. Condensation dripping from rocky walls subtly glimmering in the flickering light of a waning lantern, you are reminded where you have taken temporary refuge.
Everywhere ached, the muscles around your shoulders and neck yearned for some tension release while your legs felt stiff from a night of keeping the wolf entertained. Surprisingly, Aegon being inebriated hadn’t done much to effect the transformation or behaviour from your observations aside from a comment he made after dawn broke and he laid on the swamp ground, chest rising and falling after shakily becoming normal again.
“My fucking head,” was all he groaned before promptly passing out. A massacred hand resting atop his forehead as though that would do much to alleviate his pain.
Now, his breaths were simple and consistent like any other noise within the deep cave you chose as sanctuary. His head rested on your lap for lack of a proper bed for him to rest and gain some strength back — at least that's what you tell yourself. Nevermind you are aimlessly combing fingers through his hair, detangling the ends riddled with sweat and blood.
It must have been mid afternoon when he stirred awake, eyes fluttering open to take in the surroundings. You had half expected him to sleep for the entire day and well into the night, looking down on him you offer a smile in the dimly lit cave. A flourish of one hand and murmur an incantation, materialising four orbs of light that float nearby to brighten the area.
“You came for me,” He croaks, voice crackly no doubt from straining it the night prior, turning his head in your lap to look up at you. The first thing he says is not to question where you had taken him, he trusted you without question and this statement wasn’t lost on you whatsoever.
There was something very innocent in the moment and perhaps it had been the fact you were still raking fingers through his hair despite it had long been detangled.
Casting your gaze downward it was becoming increasingly more difficult to ignore the feelings that stirred within, no matter how hard you tried to reason that it was something else entirely. You cared for him. The revelation should not be one that is shocking, half a year in tending to him would indicate this truth and yet it still shook you to the core.
Loneliness was a bitter thing, you had plenty of loneliness over the course of your life that it seem only fair to rid yourself of it.
”An unfortunate twist in fate has me caring for you, it seems,” you admit dryly, feeling lighter and less wound up upon saying the words aloud. “A most ill-fated outcome considering it is I who put this burden on you.” A sardonic smile mocking your own misfortune, of course it would be fated that the cure to loneliness would be in the form of a man you had inflicted a most painful blight upon.
He is silent for a moment, so still that you'd have thought he fell back asleep if it weren’t for his attentive violet eyes looking up at you, he finally says, “I tried to leave them at the road before Durrenden — They wouldn’t let me.”
”So they encaged you?”
“No,” he smiles meekly, “that was after I stole two carafes of wine from our reserve.” A flash of something must have passed through him causing the corners of his lips drop, eyes suddenly dimming with resignation as he looks away for the first time, “I thought if I was too drunk to feel anything I wouldn’t be in pain.”
Stupid. You admonish silently, but your chest tugs at the words of a man who simply wishes for the pain to fade. It was the first time you considered that he isn’t just talking about the pain of transformation. Without jostling him around too much, you reach into the small pouch off to the side and pull out a small phial, the best you can offer considering you weren’t in the hut.
After passing it over to him wordlessly you sigh and look around the cave, “your family’s Knight was sent to fetch you, the holy man mentioned to your mother a procedure to ‘purge you of sin’.”
”You went to the castle?” He asks, sitting up as though he were startled by the notion. Wincing at the sudden movement, he steadied himself on the wall beside you. At some point between your fated first meeting and now, he stopped complaining or questioning whenever you handed him things to consume. Since there was little resistance when you handed him a small bottle of sanguine liquid.
”To look for you,” a simple answer and yet it still caused your stomach to flutter, “your mother seems to be of the belief I have corrupted you with devil work… I wasn’t aware she was so… pious.” As amusing as a witch hunt sounded to you yesterday, it felt more cumbersome in reality and you had only really been forced into hiding for a mere day.
Your words struck him as amusing, a dry laugh falling from his cracked lips and you curse yourself for not thinking to get water amongst the hubbub of yesterday. “In the bigger picture, you have done little to push me into the devil’s clutches, my lady.” He addresses you, as if a highborn and not a witch of the woods or at the very least; a Commoner. The phrase catches you by surprise, so much so there is a physical reaction akin to a slight recoil. It sounded foreign to hear it, but you didn’t hate it.
A connection in your head seems to click, instantaneously dismissing what you were going to say about what he called you and in comes a flood of thoughts so incredibly obvious that you are almost ashamed to say anything about it now. But, your mouth moves much quicker than your mind and a sharp, “oh gods,” falls from your lips.
He stares at you, looking embarrassed as if you were lambasting his choice of words but that couldn’t be further from the truth. “I might — well it is possible to relieve you of this curse but the chances may not be in our favour.” It wasn’t some magical cure out of nowhere and it wasn’t without risks involved but if done right it could be done.
There’s confusion etched into his facial features, for that you couldn’t blame him, “but this is a blood curse —,”
”It is not a cure, per se…” Trying to find the words seemed difficult, especially ones that wouldn’t be insensitive, “if you recall this ailment was imparted onto Aemond and I moved the curse. Blood curses attach themselves to the essence of a person which is why they can be moved to family members — which is why I could rid him of it.”
”Be that I dislike my brother, I do not wish for him to suffer monthly —“
“Sibling blood is closer entwined than other familial relatives but much like I restored Aemonds eye, I could attempt to move the curse to someone else… someone who is already on the cusp of death.” It would be all too easy to say his name aloud, but there was a part within your aware conscience that felt it rather evil for suggesting second hand patricide.
Though you needn’t say his name, Aegon understood wholeheartedly, “Viserys.” Not ‘Father’, not a hint of endearing or love in his tone. The relationship between father and son had long severed before you had waylaid the noble family with magic interference all those months ago. It may have not been your intent to send the Lord to an early grave, the fates seemed to have planned for it anyway.
You just hoped they planned for him to suffer one last time.
There was an already inherent distaste for the man, one that was imparted to you from Aunties bias but it only increased tenfold when Aegon would regale you with stories of how absent and horrible of a man Viserys seemed despite the public opinion being otherwise. How does a man have five children and only care for one? Even for that one child, the care presents as thinly veiled kindness at best from what you’ve heard.
He mulls over the idea, you can sense his hesitancy to answer and it is something you don’t hold over him considering what you are suggesting could be coercive murder in the eyes of the church.
“Forgive me, if I spoke out of turn.” You say softly, smiling at him as if silently understanding the conflict within him. If anyone had been present to hear such blasphemy you were most definitely not avoiding the accusations of being a harbinger of chaos and devil whisperer.
”No,” he shook his head, there was uncertainty in whether he was denying your suggestion or if he disagreed that you’d stepped over a line. Even you were self aware enough of how bad it sounded, but over the course of half a year the two of you seemed to slowly understand the inner machinations of one another enough to know when something was laced with malicious intent or not. While he understood to a degree your distrust and ire toward the head of his family, he has never had reason to believe that you worked with an ulterior motive. Initially, perhaps, but now? No.
”I want to say yes,” he begins, a pained look within his eyes laden with guilt, “but what option remains for me? I am his eldest son. He is destined to pass, sure. But my path lay already ahead of me. To become Lord of the city regardless of if I’m afflicted by a curse or not. This —,” he gestures to himself, riddled with grime and filth, “— this is physical pain but no matter my options I will suffer.”
The strain in his voice gave quite a clear indication that he was hesitant to be so vulnerable, not for a lack of trust, it seemed as though the cause for his trepidation simply grew from a lack of someone around to listen to his complaints. You tactfully reach over and clasp his hand. Entwined it was easy to see how the dirt and muck complimented one another on each hand with wayward splatters and streaks like paintings on parchment.
He seldom spoke of duty, opting to spit in the face of it whenever the topic broached but you knew what lay ahead of him when the inevitable arrival of death comes to consume Viserys. A strange custom, you noted. Many families had long abandoned succession through eldest offspring, a handful of Lords (Targaryens included) seemed to keep the tradition, whether it be in honour of tradition or it aligned religiously though you were unsure of.
To be a Lord and be ailed with something as unforgiving as Lycanthropy would become harder to hide, a bigger burden, one that would turn the devout folk on him in an instant. Public opinion on the man beside you, already sat lower than the other siblings, in a cruel string of fate it almost feels as though he were destined to fail.
“But you are second to oldest, what of your sister?” You ask.
“Rhaenyra?” His voice was laced with surprise, he spoke very little of her and though you never prodded further there was uncertainty of if he held disdain toward her and that had been the reason for his little mention of her or if there was something else. “He may love her more than the rest of us but she will never inherit after what she’s done to the family.”
I will not have another of my children marr this family with shame. Viserys had said this the previous day, now with context it seemed to make sense. You were in no position to question further and you didn’t, though little pieces of information you’d gathered over the months fell into place, albeit disjointed but nonetheless sensical.
The oldest of the siblings, born to a different mother was free-spirited and rather outspoken, if the rumours of the common folk were to be believed then she ran off with Viserys’ brother and her Uncle for love. You’d initially taken the slighted gossip with a pinch of salt but could think of no other reason Rhaenyra could bring shame to such a proud and religious family.
You spare Aegon a look, not pitiful or full of sorrow and despair but one that was at least hopeful.
“If you ever wish to disappear, far from here, say the words and I will make it happen.” A grim solution, but it was the only thing you could think about that would keep Aegon’s conscience intact with the least amount of bodies in the process.
“Threat of death? After all this time? Here I was beginning to think you tolerated me,” he found it within himself to jest, a smile on his lips that etched into your mind long after he turned away sullenly, “I couldn’t… I can’t leave them.”
The unspoken burden of the oldest remaining sibling weighs heavy on him, you have come to learn many things about Helaena and Daeron in passing comments or quips. Aemond fiercely sits in the peripheral of your thoughts often when you think of Aegon and wonder how different things may have been if you didn’t help Aemond.
“I tolerate you no more than a crocodile tolerates a drowning wildebeest in his river,” you jest, suppressing a coy smile. You squeeze his hand reassuringly and as if responding to a question, he squeezed yours in return. “Threat of death is not so awful, death is not the end we believe it to be,” you muse, eyes cast down the expansive cave mouth, a very characteristically cryptic moment from you.
Down the cave, a seemingly tiny dot in the distance was your only indicator of an exit, a light that specified the sun's bright rays was what awaited you when it was time to leave the soggy cavernous hole.
Deep rumbling shudders through the cave, a great force rippling through the ground no different to how an earthquake unmistakingly rips through the earth indiscriminately. Though it is a force of nature, it is not what one might think as queit relief washes over you. Aegon looks to you in search of an answer or reaction, you remain unbothered and look to him with a sincere smile, “you’re a good man, Aegon… I only wish for others to see you the way I do.”
He is stunned a moment, possibly wondering where that came from as you were thinking the same but he looks past you and back nervously, “this isn’t the moment where you leave me at the mercy of whatever thing has crawled in here?”
You laugh and shake your head, a sound so foreign to even you it was a wonder how you managed to share a space with Auntie who was decidedly humourless for so many years. “This cave may be Ornmir’s own domicile but she won’t hurt you, and I won’t leave you here either… I believe it isn’t safe to return to the hut. Your holy knight might still be on the lookout for you and I’d prefer you rest before I release you back to those den of wild dragons.”
What you wanted to say more than anything was, stay, stay here with me and never go back to the wretches who seek to ruin you. But it was hard, hard to even admit that first and foremost and hard to be so vulnerable with someone. Auntie kept you at arms length always as if preparing you for the inevitable time she left you, feeling attached to someone always seemed forbidden.
But with Aegon, it was easy. So easy it was terrifying.
“What are you thinking about?” He asks quietly, when you turn to him his eyes are already trained on your face as if trying to pry into your very thoughts.
The words can’t form in your mouth, the admission that perhaps loneliness wasn’t what fulfilled you any longer refused to leave your mouth so you search for another answer quickly. Despite not finding a way to express your inner thoughts you find your body leaning in toward him, hands cupping the sides of his face and pressing your forehead against his in a manner that was more intimate than expected.
Noses brushing against one another, your eyes look down at the curve of his cheeks from the smoothest point to where his stubble had started to break through.
“Let me make this right,” you promise, thumbs brushing softly over his cheeks, “the least I can do is try and take away the curse I put on you. I cannot cure the ailments of the future but I can undo my own wretched infliction.”
“Okay,” he breathes out in a voice so small you wouldn’t hear it if it weren’t for his breath lightly fanning your face. “What about you?” He asks almost painfully, and you selfishly think it’s at the thought of the monthly visits coming to a stop.
”You are no stranger, I wish for you to visit on your own terms, not because you’re forced too.”
“Okay.” He says again, hands coming up to sit atop yours over his face.
The two of you remain there for an uncertain amount of time, you don’t fully recall disengaging from the embrace but you do. Quietly going over the plan for the evening, you stated many times throughout that the likelihood of success was slim and the results wouldn’t bear its fruit until a month away, but you’d be damned if you were going to at least try.
Aegon assured you he was well rested and in fact argued he should accompany you. Him joining was not the problem, it was the prospect of his mother or holy knight finding him before you could finish the ritual. There was little else you could do to convince him otherwise as he held onto your hand firmly when you whisk the both of you away through darkness and into the Fortress.
Night had fallen a couple of hours prior, the sun no longer commanding the skies but the moon. Her rays of silver cascaded through stained glass and created prismatic shapes of colour on the carpet below your feet as they quietly roamed the West Wing corridor together. Aegon still held onto your hand.
Much like it had been the day prior, it was desolate bar from the occasional servant who eyed the two of you but made no comment or haste to alert anyone.
“Aransmore wrote to us about their cattle getting eaten and the farmers being terrorized by a great beast in the swamp… that is why we set for Durrenden.” Aegon whispered cautiously, you had guessed he felt as though he owed you some degree of explanation for why the castle was bare and Durrenden had so many swordsmen.
”Yes.. Ornmir… She’s — She’s still angry and I am unsure what the cause is. Her shrine has been repaired yet there is an ire that remains present. I shall visit her again in time…once this has been settled,” you nod at him, quietly responding.
Once outside a large set of oak doors, gilded gold edging and embellishments, there was little mystery left at who lay in the chambers beyond them. Neither of you make the first move, both merely staring at the door as if it would open on its own accord.
You look over at Aegon, “we need not go through this, if you wish it so.”
“No,” he says softly, looking down, then back up to the door, “no I want to.” His voice is hardened, more determined and you wish more than anything you could read his thoughts but you turn away and nod.
He surprises you more, taking the first step forward but you are the one who opens the door. Both of you have an unspoken kinship bred from months of understanding each other slowly.
The room is dark, save for the silver light of the moon cascading through the open window. Despite the cool breeze flowing through, the room stank distinctly of mold and must, as though the windows had been sealed shut for years. Your eyes settle on Viserys, the first time you’ve seen him since ailing him with his son's mangled eye. He was less man than he was rot, you decided, the cause of the smell being him.
Half of his face blackened with necrosis, the infection taking a rather nasty turn. The leeches on his face had no more incentive to keep eating away at the flesh, not when it had shrunk down to the bone and exposed part of his skull. It was grotesque, really, but your face remained unmoved as you stood beside the bed and looked down at him. Only then did your face twist into something unpleasant.
You turn to Aegon, face pulled to a frown that half indicated disgust, nostrils slightly flared and eyebrows crossed together into a sullen expression. “He’s dead.” You say, defeatedly.
You were too late.
Tag List (lemme know if you wanna be tagged :D)
@karlachs-soldier @serving-targaryen-realness @deltamoon666 @bogbutteronmycroissant @heavenly1927
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vodika-vibes · 11 months ago
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Im on my period rn and I have endometriosis so I’m in a lot of pain and I was wondering how Fixer would take care of a reader with severe period pains…I have severe Fixer brainrot…
However if you‘re not comfortable writing something like this I apologize 🙈
Painful Days
Summary: Fixer takes care of you when you're paralyzed with pain.
Pairing: Clone Commando Fixer x Reader
Word Count: 619
Warnings: None
Tagging: @trixie2023 @n0vqni
A/N: Sorry that this is so short. I get migraines when I'm on my period so I legitimately don't know how people take care of normal periods. I don't like it when people breathe near me when I'm on mine, lol.
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You exhale slowly, trying to breathe through the pain of your cramps, as you curl up on your couch.
You’re going to be fine. You always are. But sometimes the pain is harder to ignore than other times. 
And by that, you mean that you can sometimes work through the pain. This, unfortunately, isn’t one of those times.
A particularly sharp stab of pain causes you to grit your teeth and curl around your heating pad. This was supposed to help. The fact that it never has before isn’t important, it’s supposed to work this time.
“The pain medicine hasn’t kicked in yet?” Fixer asks as he smooths his hand through your hair.
“Sure it has.” You say through clenched teeth, “I no longer feel like using a knife to cut out my uterus. That’s a step up.”
Fixer doesn’t say anything for a moment, “Does curling up like that actually help?” He finally asks.
You pout at him, “It does in my head.”
“So that would be no, then.”
“If you’re not going to be helpful-” You say with a glare.
“Ah, I brought a bar of chocolate. As well as some hot tea. But you have to sit up before I give either to you.”
You consider his offerings for a moment, and then decide that they are acceptable gifts, so you slowly sit up. Fixer flashes a small smile at you, and  you feel a surge of affection for him, “Will you sit with me?” You ask.
“As if you have to ask.” Fixer replies as he sets your favorite mug on the table, and then drops on the couch next to you.
You immediately climb into his lap and set your head under his chin, pulling his arms around your lower stomach to hold your heating pad in place.
“Better?” Fixer asks, as he adjusts you slightly so that you’re more comfortably situated on his lap.
You consider everything for a moment, “I’m not worse,” You finally decide, “Which is about the best I’m going to get, I think.”
Fixer reaches around you and grabs your mug to set it in your hands, “Well, it’s not perfect, but I’ll take it. We can order something salty and greasy for dinner tonight. I know that makes you feel better.”
“You hate salty and greasy.”
“There are a lot of things I hate that I’ll put up with because you want them.” Fixer replies easily, “You’re worth it, cyare.”
You smile up at him adoringly, “I love you, did you know that?” You ask.
“You’ve made it glaringly obvious, yes.” Fixer replies as he leans in and kisses the back of your head, “I love you too, you know. Why else would I put up with all of this?” There’s no heat in his voice, though, and you don’t take his words harshly.
You shift on his lap so you’re able to press a light kiss against his jaw, and you smile when he lowers his chin so he can kiss you properly. “You know,” He murmurs, “There is something that I can do to help with the cramps.”
You sigh softly, “Maybe later, when the pain is a little less.” You reply against his lips, “But it’ll be messy.”
“That’s what towels are for. Or just using the shower. Either is fine with me.” Fixer replies. 
You allow your head to thump against his shoulder, “I’ll think about it. When the pain is a little less. Thank you, Fixer.”
“You don’t have to thank me for taking care of you, cyare. That’s my job.” He kisses your temple, and tightens his grip around you. “Drink your tea, it’s going to get cold.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know.”
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headpainmigraine · 6 months ago
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do you have any tips for those who suffer from hemiplegic migraines? i feel like im going insane, and the anxiety i experience afterwards is phenomenal. i feel so terrified and alone from it
I'm so sorry, I didn't see this until just now - tumblr, it's a website that works.
Please bear with me if I tell you something you already know.
Hemiplegic migraine is a slightly different animal to other migraine types because of its mimicry of stroke symptoms, and because of that I usually avoid talking about it in any depth, because I don't have personal experience with them.
It's treatment is also a little different because the use of triptans to help the migraine is contraindicated because it restricts blood vessels, and doctors are leery of prescribing them to people suffering stroke-like symptoms
The best thing I can do in regards to helping with the actual diagnosis is point you towards people who know about these kinds of things, and not the usual mayo clinic, etc websites.
Headaches.org
The Migraine Trust
The American Migraine Foundation
All those are websites with a focus on migraine, who are more likely to give you accurate information.
I've linked what I could find there on hemiplegic migraine in particular, but it's worth having a look around them to see what info you can find.
So, a doctor/neurologist/specialist is going to be your best bet for actual physical help. Any tips I could offer would be to try the non-medicinal help for other migraines that might also help you, eg, sunglasses, cooling patches, ginger for nausea, and so on - I can talk to you a little more about them if you think that'd be helpful, if you want?
But that isn't what's bothering you though. I don't know how frequent your attacks are, or what your support situation is like at home.
I can tell you that feeling scared makes a ton of sense. Sometimes it can feel like your pain isn't going to end. I've had times when I've thought 'this is it, this is the pain that's going to kill me', and I've had hallucinations that made me doubt my reality. I can imagine part of how terrifying it is to have half of your body suddenly stop resonding to you.
It's a scary thing, and you have every right to feel scared.
And I know that it's difficult in the moment, while you're inside the thing, to have a rational conversation with yourself, but I find arming myself with knowledge is the best weapon against my freaking out when it happens.
Not knowing what's happening to you is maybe more frightening than the actual experience of what's happening to you. Learning as much as I can about the mechanisms of migraine has done a lot to help me understand what's happening in my body, and when and why (as far as they know) and it's weird how much that helps, it takes away the "unknown" and "what if" of everything.
It's also helped me realise when I'm in predrome or having an aura, because I know those symptoms now and can keep a better eye out for them
That said, having a good support system really helps, and I'm fortunate enough to have one in my parents and sister. If you live with someone who is open to understanding and listening to you, it's a good idea to tell them things about your migraines.
I voice my symptoms to my family all the time. I'll say out loud that I'm having a headache, or feeling dizzy, or if I feel restless or grumpy - half of it is to track my symptoms, because I'm crap at doing that by myself, and the other is because often they're better able to see a migraine is coming from what I'm saying than I am myself - it's harder to see when you're inside it.
They can help when I'm hallucinating too. If I smell or hear something that I don't trust is there, I can ask someone to verify that it isn't, or is, and can take meds or at least prepare from there.
Getting someone to remind you while you're having an attack that it will pass, that you've been through them before, and that you know what it is, might help with feelings of anxiety or panic at the time. If you can't rely on yourself, it's okay to ask others to do it for you.
Remember that what's happening to you is a physical, neurological process. It's an actual disease, and not in your head. There's a cascade of activity moving through your brain, and it's making your brain fire off in weird ways that you don't really want. As far as your brain is concerned, it got a signal, now it's going to do a thing.
It's not a bolt from the sky torturing you with some kind of magician's curse. You can't help it, it's just the same as having a pulled muscle, or diabetes. It's just an error in the way your body works, but it's one we know about it and more and more research is being done to help us understand and attack these things.
On that note, while triptans aren't recommended for hemiplegic migraines, the new meds, gepants and ditans, are (as far as I'm aware, ditans for sure). That's huge news for migraineurs, and something you should talk to your neuro about - assuming you have one.
All I can say for after the attack is to be kind to yourself. You feel like a cracked teacup, no need to bash yourself around anymore than the migraine already has. If you've got little things that make you happy, like taking a bath or listening to bird song or anything, indulge in it. Rest, maybe with a comfort show on TV.
You've just been through a storm, body AND brain, and you need to make yourself have some space in the postdrome to slowly pick yourself back up.
It might also be worth speaking to a pain therapist. YOU'RE NOT CRAZY. They'd be there to help you process what you're going through. The human body wasn't meant to be in constant pain, it wasn't meant to lose sudden control of itself for no reason, and it's a lot to put on someone, especially when their disease is so rare, as hemiplegic migraines are.
I've actually been thinking about trying to find one myself, mostly to help me work through the unending rage, but it could help you with your feelings of anxiety in regards to your hemiplegic migraines.
I'm so sorry I can't offer you anything more than that. It might help to connect with other people who suffer with hemiplegic migraines here, to share experiences, and you can always drop a message here if you want to talk to me about migraines in general.
The cripplepunk/spoonie community as a whole has been a help to me too, especially trying to learn to let myself feel angry and bitter and unashamed. It's nice to have a space to be shouty and angry about your disability, and to really feel that you have community.
I think the only other thing I could leave you with is to talk, not necessarily to anyone in particular, maybe just in a sideblog even.
Talk about how you feel, what you're experiencing, how much it sucks, what you've learned about it, anything. Bitching lets you vent it all out, helps other people understand what you're going through and lets you leave it on the net if you do it online.
I'm constantly shouting into the wind on this blog about my disabilities and it's really helped.
I'm so sorry I can't do anything more, and sorry again that this is late. Let me know if you wanna talk about anything more, or if you've got any questions about migraines in general, I'll do my best. I hope this helps
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captain-gillian · 6 months ago
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❤️ Favorite part of your favorite ship?
👀 What made you keep watching the show?
🍪 What if Nancy had to quit after the DNR storyline? What does she do instead of being a paramedic?
🤹‍♀️ Give a hidden talent to all the main characters (or those of your choosing)!
Sorry I know 4 is too many but I wanna knooww
🌼
omg 4 is not too many, i look forward to answering these, thank you for sending this!
❤️ Favorite part of your favorite ship?
already answered here
👀 What made you keep watching the show?
i was already watching og 911 and loved it, so i've watched LS as it's aired, despite my r*b l*we related reservations and i was just hooked straight away, the characters were all so interesting and i needed to know more about them and i adored the found family of it
🍪 What if Nancy had to quit after the DNR storyline? What does she do instead of being a paramedic?
I can see her going down a few different paths. moving interstate to still be able to work as a paramedic if that's not a cop out, or moving into a role at dispatch potentially as a like medical expert dispatcher like we've seen a few times on OG, who can walk people through more complicated emt things and first aid over the phone. or my personal favourite would be here moving into a role like social work to still be able to help people. I can't personally see her going into like, nursing or medicine, but social work i could 100% see.
🤹‍♀️ Give a hidden talent to all the main characters (or those of your choosing)!
ooh this one is tricky but so fun, some i will be elaborating on more than others,
for tk he's secretly a really talented artist, this is really inspired by the written in the stars series by @fallout-mars but im applying it to canon tk too
for carlos his hidden talent is writing, poetry specifically, it started as a way to process his emotions because talking about them wasn't really the done thing in his family as a kid, and he really enjoyed it and kept at it and got really good. (also semi inspired by the written in the stars series) (but also you can't tell me carlos doesn't have the soul of a poet)
for paul i could also see paul having a talent for writing, but fiction, mystery detective novels that could rival arthur conan doyle specifically, but he never shares it with anyone. he's also a speed reader.
for mateo parkour, he learnt it because he wanted to be like spiderman and also thought it might come in handy on the job, but mostly the spiderman thing
for judd he can bake, like really well, it brings him peace and helps him feel connected to his 126 brother Chuck 'Chef' Parkland who they lost in the explosion and who he learned most of his baking skills from. He mastered the art of sourdough propped on a stool in the kitchen while he was recovering from his broken leg and he's currently learning the art of vegan baking for Wyatt, he tests his recipes on Owen so they're perfect by the time he shares them with his son. Maybe he and Wyatt bake together as a form of therapy as Wyatt recovers from his accident?
for grace is it a cop out to say gaming, but like, being better at it than judd?
for owen he can juggle, just because i think it would be really funny if someone with a clown phobia was really good at juggling (does that make me a terrible person?)
for tommy she knits, she started knitting to help her stress levels during her fertility journey and to make some things for her future baby as a way to keep hope alive, and she kept it up because it brings her peace to sit each night and make something with her own two hands, it calms her mind after a difficult shift. she's constantly gifting the 126 hand knit presents and donating knitted hats and scarfs and blankets to local groups who work with the local homeless community
for marjan she just has a way with animals, animals are drawn to her and training them comes naturally to her, she's definetly befriended a crow that lives in her neighbourhood
for nancy, acting, maybe also a bit singing and dancing, but mostly the acting, which ties into my nancy was a theatre kid headcanon
am i forgetting anyone? i feel like im forgetting someone?
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souldivide · 1 year ago
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art vent, kind of makes me look like a shallow person
FOR clarification i'm 20. turning 21 in two months. yippee! what an eye opener
the point of trying to profit your art, especially using your art to help fund for survival since you were 11 - you realize that while you want to improve your art for yourself, you're so consciously aware of what parts would appeal to strangers who see your art.
because you don't want to appeal to others to enjoy your art, you want to appeal to others to garner money and funds. i've ebegged on this site for almost a decade, on so many different accounts and even used my art as much as i could to get even more money. to pay bills, to pay for food, to help my mother in medical emergencies. since i was only 11 years old, by the way. a lot of the time, while it is a huge part of my reason to keep improving -- i don't actually think of reasons such as improving my art because 'i want to go to college' 'i want to be better' as much as my main reason being: i want this to sell to people.
that being said, my art style is something im so happy with right now for myself. but i think like. you have to really make your art your signature. that way, people will want to buy what you can give them. but algorithm is just, so hard to fight with now. the heartbreaking part is that, even if i'm at my 'peak' in art.
and my art has always been my one consistent interest, thats never faded. it's apart of my daily life. my routine, my medicine, my hobby, my enjoyment. i need this to live in many different ways. whether it be for providing my funds via commissions, coping art for trauma, or generally to express my happiness for things in my head, etc. i need this hobby or i will die. its the one skill ive had my entire life thats stuck, and its something i'm *good* at. and i've kept up with it to this day.
my art looks consistently good. flattering. i would say at some points it feels.. professional, sometimes. i am consistently proud and satisfied with my art and haven't struggled on pieces as much as i used to several years ago. it took me 2 months to come up with illustrations. now ive been pumping them out with ease. commissions are so much faster. quicker. ive really upgraded. i'm efficient, quick, and my stylization journey has been amazing.
yet..
this has been the hardest i've ever fucking struggled to make money, ever. since i was 11 years old. i've never.. had so much difficulty. i feel spoiled, honestly, when i know so many other artists struggle filling commissions too. but i've always had good fortune, i guess. good luck. but not since the year began. it's been so hard to fill in requests, so hard to fill slots. even when my prices are cheaper, it's still so hard. which is crazy, because 2 years ago i was consistently filling slots like crazy. i had consistent income, for the most part. i was able to help my family, avoid eviction, pay for water, clothes, food. emergencies like car wrecks, medical stuff -- god, its insane how much my art has helped me. it's scary. to think about what woulld happen if i didnt have this skill.
back then, like my art looked like this in 2021.
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i look back and i wonder. this is fine, its definitely my art style. but how did i makee so much money off of stuff like this? so much more than i do now? i still draw fanart, and my art's been getting better. i think its honestly just bad luck, or maybe algorithm has flopped a lot of my stuff. either way, it's sort of humbling. Extremely humbling, that even with all this improvement - it still may not be enough to get me anywhere. i've never struggled before, trying to open commissions even when ive always focused on original content primarily. i know its hard to get popularity when you only draw ocs, but ive been fine for the most part. getting by, until lately.
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i think i'll just have to keep working harder. see what people enjoy, but its just really ego crushingi think. And i could care less about popularity or anything. i think the really awful part is that im just stressed all the time about how i can keep making money off of this when its been so hard to even fill slots, let alone gaining peoples interests. Is this competition related? is this just a shit time for artists? am i just flopping. Who knows.. ohwell. ill survive
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stormyoceans · 2 years ago
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when i feel bad, i just reread everything you wrote about puentalay to make me feel better
today is that kind of day :(
monica, i hope your day and your week will go much better 💓
im so sorry you're feeling bad, anon, i really wish i could be there to bring you some tea and lend an ear or hold your hand through it. since i can't do that, im glad that i can at least bring you some comfort with my inability to shut up about puentalay. knowing that you like what i write about them makes me really happy, so i hope i can give you back some of that happiness
for this reason, i ended up writing down a little puentalay something for you, to give you some strength, but please don't feel like you have to read it or like it!!! im just gonna put it under a cut and maybe it can be a little surprise to make you smile
i really hope that you're gonna feel better soon and that the rest of the week will treat you kindly, anon 💜
okay so, i've mentioned it before but i would have loved to see sick!puen in the show because apparently i have feelings about it ;;;;;
the first time puen gets sick once they're back in their universe, he and talay aren't living together quite yet: they see each other whenever they can and talay does often spend the night at puen's place, but after a few days he always ends up going back to his mom's house. puen gets it: they haven't been officially boyfriends for long, and he guesses that if he spent more than two years away from his mother he would want to stay with her too. he also doesn't want to push when talay might not be ready, so even if he desperately wants talay to stay, puen never asks him to move in (sometimes, in those quiet, empty moments right after talay leaves, he can admit that maybe he's also afraid to hear talay reject the idea again)
one day, after a night spent in a cold bed without talay, puen wakes up with a slight fever, but since he has to film some kind of commercial and doesn't want to bother everyone by having to reschedule, he decides to take some meds and go to work anyway. the medicine does help at first, but after a few hours his head starts to hurt from the too bright lights of the set, his throat feels like is getting stabbed by hundreds of needles every time he talks, and his body seems to not be able to stop shivering
somehow he manages to get through the day with only a distracted comment from his manager on how he looks paler than usual, but he's supposed to see talay for dinner and puen knows talay will be able to tell something is wrong. and the thing is.. puen wants nothing more than to bury his face in talay's neck and let himself being taken care of, has been craving that all his life, however i think his first instinct would be to deal with it like he's used to: alone, in silence, with little other than himself and medicine to keep him company, because when you're sick you feel disgusting and grumpy and upset, and he's shown talay the most vulnerable parts of himself, but this.. he feels ashamed to burden talay with this. so he texts talay that something came up at work and asks him to see each other tomorrow, hates himself for the lie, but plans to make up for it the next day, after a good night of sleep and more meds hopefully make him feel better
puen crashes into bed as soon as gets home, still fully clothed and shivering, his entire body hurting, and he knows he should take a shower and maybe eat something, tells himself 'just ten minutes and then i'll go', but it's cold, and he's tired, and as soon as he drags the covers over himself he falls asleep. he wakes up some time later to the feel of something cool against his forehead. when he opens his eyes, talay's sitting next to him, a wrinkle between his brows and his mouth pressed together in a frown
"talay," he mumbles. both his eyes and throat feels like they're burning. "is this a dream?"
"dream, my ass," talay says, and puen thinks he sounds angry, but the thumb stroking across his cheek is so gentle that it makes puen's chest hurt. "i'll get medicine," talay adds after a moment. "you need to eat something too."
puen wants to tell him that he isn't hungry, that he's fine as long as talay doesn't leave him, but by the time he can painfully swallow around the lump in his throat, talay is already walking out of the room. puen has almost dozed off again when talay comes back carrying a tray with a bowl full of broth and a cup of tea. he helps puen sits up in bed and then feeds puen the broth himself, the furrow between his brows just getting deeper every time puen winches a little as he swallows or has to stop to cough. puen wants to smooth it out with his fingers, wants to ask talay why he's there and if he's angry that puen canceled their plans, that talay has to take care of him like this, wants to beg him to stay and hold him, but talay hasn't said anything in a while and puen now knows for certain that he's angry. puen lets talay feed him in silence, obediently drinks the medicine with the tea when talay instructs him to
"im sorry," puen eventually says, while talay helps him settle more comfortably in bed. it takes everything in him to add, "you can go now, i can take care of myself."
it's not the right thing to say, because somehow talay's frown just gets deeper, the corner of his mouth turned down unhappily. talay sits on the edge of the bed next to puen with a sigh and brushes puen's sweaty hair away from his forehead
"do you know how worried i was when i got your message and then you wouldn't pick up your phone?" talay asks. "the last time we had plans and work dragged longer than expected, you had tup come pick me up and take me on set just so we didn't have to cancel. i thought something bad happened to you." talay takes one of puen's hand between his own trembling ones and squeezes it. "puen," he whispers, "why didn't you just tell me that you weren't feeling well?"
puen wishes he didn't have to answer that question, but denying talay what he wants is something that puen will never be able to do, so he lowers his head and mumbles, "i didn't want you to worry. i didn't want you to see me like this."
talay's thumb stops rubbing soothing circles into puen's wrist, and puen panics for a moment, thinking he said something wrong again, but then talay cups puen's face in his hands and makes him raise his head so they're looking at each other.
"ai'puen," talay says, "sick, sad, vulnerable, imperfect... you can be all of that in front of me. i'll take care of you, just like you take care of me. we take care of each other. got it?"
puen would be embarrassed at the way his eyes fill up with tears at those words if it weren't for the way talay is looking at him, still a little sad, but steadfast and full of love. puen just nods, afraid that if he tries to talk he will start sobbing instead, and now he knows it's fine, he knows talay isn't gonna leave him for something like that, but this isn't a moment for tears, he's happy and safe with the man he loves, so when talay pulls him in for a hug, he hides his face into talay's neck and smiles
(a few days later, after puen gets better, they're washing dishes together when talay says, out of nowhere, "i think we should move in together". he then goes on by saying that he's always wanted to do that, but also didn't want puen to be the one to pay for everything, so he had started saving up on money. puen is only half listening to it. as soon as talay is done talking, puen pulls him in for a kiss that leaves both of them panting for breath, then picks him up and carries him to bed. neither of them is gonna leave that any time soon)
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sunaleisocial · 28 days ago
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A new framework to efficiently screen drugs
New Post has been published on https://sunalei.org/news/a-new-framework-to-efficiently-screen-drugs/
A new framework to efficiently screen drugs
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Some of the most widely used drugs today, including penicillin, were discovered through a process called phenotypic screening. Using this method, scientists are essentially throwing drugs at a problem — for example, when attempting to stop bacterial growth or fixing a cellular defect — and then observing what happens next, without necessarily first knowing how the drug works. Perhaps surprisingly, historical data show that this approach is better at yielding approved medicines than those investigations that more narrowly focus on specific molecular targets.
But many scientists believe that properly setting up the problem is the true key to success. Certain microbial infections or genetic disorders caused by single mutations are much simpler to prototype than complex diseases like cancer. These require intricate biological models that are far harder to make or acquire. The result is a bottleneck in the number of drugs that can be tested, and thus the usefulness of phenotypic screening.
Now, a team of scientists led by the Shalek Lab at MIT has developed a promising new way to address the difficulty of applying phenotyping screening to scale. Their method allows researchers to simultaneously apply multiple drugs to a biological problem at once, and then computationally work backward to figure out the individual effects of each. For instance, when the team applied this method to models of pancreatic cancer and human immune cells, they were able to uncover surprising new biological insights, while also minimizing cost and sample requirements by several-fold — solving a few problems in scientific research at once.
Zev Gartner, a professor in pharmaceutical chemistry at the University of California at San Francisco, says this new method has great potential. “I think if there is a strong phenotype one is interested in, this will be a very powerful approach,” Gartner says.
The research was published Oct. 8 in Nature Biotechnology. It was led by Ivy Liu, Walaa Kattan, Benjamin Mead, Conner Kummerlowe, and Alex K. Shalek, the director of the Institute for Medical Engineering and Sciences (IMES) and the Health Innovation Hub at MIT, as well as the J. W. Kieckhefer Professor in IMES and the Department of Chemistry. It was supported by the National Institutes of Health and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
A “crazy” way to increase scale
Technological advances over the past decade have revolutionized our understanding of the inner lives of individual cells, setting the stage for richer phenotypic screens. However, many challenges remain.
For one, biologically representative models like organoids and primary tissues are only available in limited quantities. The most informative tests, like single-cell RNA sequencing, are also expensive, time-consuming, and labor-intensive.
That’s why the team decided to test out the “bold, maybe even crazy idea” to mix everything together, says Liu, a PhD student in the MIT Computational and Systems Biology program. In other words, they chose to combine many perturbations — things like drugs, chemical molecules, or biological compounds made by cells — into one single concoction, and then try to decipher their individual effects afterward.
They began testing their workflow by making different combinations of 316 U.S. Food and Drug Administration-approved drugs. “It’s a high bar: basically, the worst-case scenario,” says Liu. “Since every drug is known to have a strong effect, the signals could have been impossible to disentangle.”
These random combinations ranged from three to 80 drugs per pool, each of which was applied to lab-grown cells. The team then tried to understand the effects of the individual drug using a linear computational model.
It was a success. When compared with traditional tests for each individual drug, the new method yielded comparable results, successfully finding the strongest drugs and their respective effects in each pool, at a fraction of the cost, samples, and effort.
Putting it into practice
To test the method’s applicability to address real-world health challenges, the team then approached two problems that were previously unimaginable with past phenotypic screening techniques.
The first test focused on pancreatic ductal adenocarcinoma (PDAC), one of the deadliest types of cancer. In PDAC, many types of signals come from the surrounding cells in the tumor’s environment. These signals can influence how the tumor progresses and responds to treatments. So, the team wanted to identify the most important ones.
Using their new method to pool different signals in parallel, they found several surprise candidates. “We never could have predicted some of our hits,” says Shalek. These included two previously overlooked cytokines that actually could predict survival outcomes of patients with PDAC in public cancer data sets.
The second test looked at the effects of 90 drugs on adjusting the immune system’s function. These drugs were applied to fresh human blood cells, which contain a complex mix of different types of immune cells. Using their new method and single-cell RNA-sequencing, the team could not only test a large library of drugs, but also separate the drugs’ effects out for each type of cell. This enabled the team to understand how each drug might work in a more complex tissue, and then select the best one for the job.
“We might say there’s a defect in a T cell, so we’re going to add this drug, but we never think about, well, what does that drug do to all of the other cells in the tissue?” says Shalek. “We now have a way to gather this information, so that we can begin to pick drugs to maximize on-target effects and minimize side effects.”
Together, these experiments also showed Shalek the need to build better tools and datasets for creating hypotheses about potential treatments. “The complexity and lack of predictability for the responses we saw tells me that we likely are not finding the right, or most effective, drugs in many instances,” says Shalek.
Reducing barriers and improving lives
Although the current compression technique can identify the perturbations with the greatest effects, it’s still unable to perfectly resolve the effects of each one. Therefore, the team recommends that it act as a supplement to support additional screening. “Traditional tests that examine the top hits should follow,” Liu says.
Importantly, however, the new compression framework drastically reduces the number of input samples, costs, and labor required to execute a screen. With fewer barriers in play, it marks an exciting advance for understanding complex responses in different cells and building new models for precision medicine.
Shalek says, “This is really an incredible approach that opens up the kinds of things that we can do to find the right targets, or the right drugs, to use to improve lives for patients.”
0 notes
jcmarchi · 28 days ago
Text
A new framework to efficiently screen drugs
New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/a-new-framework-to-efficiently-screen-drugs/
A new framework to efficiently screen drugs
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Some of the most widely used drugs today, including penicillin, were discovered through a process called phenotypic screening. Using this method, scientists are essentially throwing drugs at a problem — for example, when attempting to stop bacterial growth or fixing a cellular defect — and then observing what happens next, without necessarily first knowing how the drug works. Perhaps surprisingly, historical data show that this approach is better at yielding approved medicines than those investigations that more narrowly focus on specific molecular targets.
But many scientists believe that properly setting up the problem is the true key to success. Certain microbial infections or genetic disorders caused by single mutations are much simpler to prototype than complex diseases like cancer. These require intricate biological models that are far harder to make or acquire. The result is a bottleneck in the number of drugs that can be tested, and thus the usefulness of phenotypic screening.
Now, a team of scientists led by the Shalek Lab at MIT has developed a promising new way to address the difficulty of applying phenotyping screening to scale. Their method allows researchers to simultaneously apply multiple drugs to a biological problem at once, and then computationally work backward to figure out the individual effects of each. For instance, when the team applied this method to models of pancreatic cancer and human immune cells, they were able to uncover surprising new biological insights, while also minimizing cost and sample requirements by several-fold — solving a few problems in scientific research at once.
Zev Gartner, a professor in pharmaceutical chemistry at the University of California at San Francisco, says this new method has great potential. “I think if there is a strong phenotype one is interested in, this will be a very powerful approach,” Gartner says.
The research was published Oct. 8 in Nature Biotechnology. It was led by Ivy Liu, Walaa Kattan, Benjamin Mead, Conner Kummerlowe, and Alex K. Shalek, the director of the Institute for Medical Engineering and Sciences (IMES) and the Health Innovation Hub at MIT, as well as the J. W. Kieckhefer Professor in IMES and the Department of Chemistry. It was supported by the National Institutes of Health and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
A “crazy” way to increase scale
Technological advances over the past decade have revolutionized our understanding of the inner lives of individual cells, setting the stage for richer phenotypic screens. However, many challenges remain.
For one, biologically representative models like organoids and primary tissues are only available in limited quantities. The most informative tests, like single-cell RNA sequencing, are also expensive, time-consuming, and labor-intensive.
That’s why the team decided to test out the “bold, maybe even crazy idea” to mix everything together, says Liu, a PhD student in the MIT Computational and Systems Biology program. In other words, they chose to combine many perturbations — things like drugs, chemical molecules, or biological compounds made by cells — into one single concoction, and then try to decipher their individual effects afterward.
They began testing their workflow by making different combinations of 316 U.S. Food and Drug Administration-approved drugs. “It’s a high bar: basically, the worst-case scenario,” says Liu. “Since every drug is known to have a strong effect, the signals could have been impossible to disentangle.”
These random combinations ranged from three to 80 drugs per pool, each of which was applied to lab-grown cells. The team then tried to understand the effects of the individual drug using a linear computational model.
It was a success. When compared with traditional tests for each individual drug, the new method yielded comparable results, successfully finding the strongest drugs and their respective effects in each pool, at a fraction of the cost, samples, and effort.
Putting it into practice
To test the method’s applicability to address real-world health challenges, the team then approached two problems that were previously unimaginable with past phenotypic screening techniques.
The first test focused on pancreatic ductal adenocarcinoma (PDAC), one of the deadliest types of cancer. In PDAC, many types of signals come from the surrounding cells in the tumor’s environment. These signals can influence how the tumor progresses and responds to treatments. So, the team wanted to identify the most important ones.
Using their new method to pool different signals in parallel, they found several surprise candidates. “We never could have predicted some of our hits,” says Shalek. These included two previously overlooked cytokines that actually could predict survival outcomes of patients with PDAC in public cancer data sets.
The second test looked at the effects of 90 drugs on adjusting the immune system’s function. These drugs were applied to fresh human blood cells, which contain a complex mix of different types of immune cells. Using their new method and single-cell RNA-sequencing, the team could not only test a large library of drugs, but also separate the drugs’ effects out for each type of cell. This enabled the team to understand how each drug might work in a more complex tissue, and then select the best one for the job.
“We might say there’s a defect in a T cell, so we’re going to add this drug, but we never think about, well, what does that drug do to all of the other cells in the tissue?” says Shalek. “We now have a way to gather this information, so that we can begin to pick drugs to maximize on-target effects and minimize side effects.”
Together, these experiments also showed Shalek the need to build better tools and datasets for creating hypotheses about potential treatments. “The complexity and lack of predictability for the responses we saw tells me that we likely are not finding the right, or most effective, drugs in many instances,” says Shalek.
Reducing barriers and improving lives
Although the current compression technique can identify the perturbations with the greatest effects, it’s still unable to perfectly resolve the effects of each one. Therefore, the team recommends that it act as a supplement to support additional screening. “Traditional tests that examine the top hits should follow,” Liu says.
Importantly, however, the new compression framework drastically reduces the number of input samples, costs, and labor required to execute a screen. With fewer barriers in play, it marks an exciting advance for understanding complex responses in different cells and building new models for precision medicine.
Shalek says, “This is really an incredible approach that opens up the kinds of things that we can do to find the right targets, or the right drugs, to use to improve lives for patients.”
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1d1195 · 7 months ago
Note
brothers are a whole other thing LMAO they’re crazy. they will literally call you the stupidest person they’ve met in their life but then buy u ur favorite ice cream at 2AM.
i always tell my sister that i’m so grateful i had her to help me grow up and that i get so sad when i realize she never had an older sister. her response is always that she never thought of it like that but she thinks she was made to be an older sister. i swear you guys are built different, not everyone can handle being an older sister and i have SO much appreciation for u all !!!
i promise you that your mom is 100% right. she probably ADORES you but just doesn’t wanna admit it bc youngest sibling pride yk ?😭 i refuse to believe otherwise bc i sincerely feel like you’re PERFECT sister material. dependent, funny, mature, so sooo kind.
new songs on rotation !! i’ve rlly been enjoying What I Am by zayn and Tejano Blue by cigarettes after sex
i hope you know all i can think about is Ding part 3 :) like omg it’s just been on my mind 24/7 and i can’t wait to read whatever you have. idk if you have this planned out yet, or not, but how many parts do you see this series being ??
I DID SLEEP HAHA i’ve been feeling off these past few days and i woke up SICK today🙁 it’s not too bad just a sore throat and a runny nose but i do hope it goes away soon because i have a friend’s engagement party to attend on the weekend (but im literally drinking a cold diet dr. pepper rn so i have no clue how i expect to feel better lol)
have the best day ever sam !!!
~🎶
That's so sweet about brothers 😭 I could have used that too growing up!
My sister and I sound WAY less mushy than you and your sister (no shade, just different relationships obviously) but that's so sweet! I can totally see where she's coming from I don't think I could be a younger sister. The vibe would be so off and you'd be able to tell I was not meant to be a younger sister hahahahahaha YOU'RE SO SWEET 😭😭 my sister calls me every day (even when I don't want her to because I have been girl-rotting all week on my vacation and have nothing to report) so I get annoyed with her pretty easily but I do enjoy talking to her. I wish she would put a little more effort into idk taking care of our parents? I don't live at home anymore so I feel like I'm still doing all the grunt kind of work that she could just do because she's AT HOME? but idk. she's a Drama Queen™ or maybe I am and I'm just being bossy 😂
I am putting the final touches on Ding part 3 so it's ready to go for Monday hehehehe I'm really excited about it! I think it will be my favorite part honestly. At least right now. I have it outlined for 7 parts right now! (I think i told someone 8 at one point but I did it in roman numerals and I'm dumb and can't read). But 7 is what I have right now. However it could change because I think parts 4 and 5 could end up being one part. I'm really not sure. Part of my outline for part 5 literally says "filler episode" so it's meant to be a next to nothing update.
UGH! I'm not sure where you're from but I live in New England and it's starting to be spring around here and I usually get a allergy-attack-turned-cold around now and I'm dreading it because it's SO unfair to be sick during the warmer weather. Maybe mix in some water with your Dr. Pepper hahahah Also! I truly believe cranberry juice has medicinal values. OOH I haven't listened to too much Zayn, tragic on my own part. I've heard clips of his new song Alienated though and I'm loving it! I've never heard of Tejano Blue, I will give that a listen as well!
I just made my Spring 2024 playlist--it's a lot of old stuff I've listened to in the past (don't listen to the Stuck on the Floor song I have at the bottom--it's for sad-girl hours hahahaha)
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Hope you feel better!
xoxo
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hanazuma-inactive · 3 years ago
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Hello! This is kind of a long request and well- Hopefully you’re fine with doing temporary Body Swap. :>
So basically Bakugou and his Male S/O are pro heroes and when out on a mission, they both get hit by a villain who has a swap quirk. Basically, they just swapped bodies. (Y/n is in Bakugou’s body and Bakugou is in Y/n’s body, they basically just switched minds.) They are told by the other pro heroes that the two should go home and take the day off. Unfortunately, nobody knows how long the quirk effect will stay, but they were convinced it was only temporary. So the two go back to their shared apartment and the day goes on pretty normal- besides the fact that, you know, they’ve swapped bodies. Though later Y/n gets a bit of an idea. What if he were to f*ck Bakugou in this body? The thought seemed kinda strange at first since he would literally be f*cking his own body, but he couldn’t deny that the thought was turning him on. Especially wanting to see Bakugou’s reaction. So, he basically handcuffs Bakugou to prevent him from struggling and.. while in the middle of doing it, something happens.. Shit! Why did it have to happen now?? Y/n panics in his head as he realizes they just swapped bodies again, and he is now at the mercy of Bakugou Katsuki himself..
I actually sent a request kinda similar to this to someone else but it was a while ago and they haven’t responded so they may not have liked it, or it just didn’t arrive. And sorry for choosing Bakugou again, you just may be able to figure out who my favorite character is.. Sorry for my rambling.
If you don’t wanna do it, that’s fine. Anyways, have a good day/night, man!
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in his shoes (nsfw) bakugou x reader
pronouns: he/him
warnings: body swapping during sex, bottom and top reader+bakugou, selfcest (?), degrading, bratty behavior, claimming and possesive themes, bondage (handcuffs)
a/n: i really like this concept and i will write it don't worry 😎👍 i usually write all of my requests anyways. im also sorry this took literally 5 years.
_____
katsuki bakugou and y/n bakugou. the two of you have been married for 2 years now after you guys started working as heroes. you both went to UA and graduated at the top of the class. neither of you had time for love or romance resulting in neither of you confessing you feelings for each other. gladly, things managed to work out in the end.
"he's on it again, i need the bakugous here right now."
hearing the police force requesting your assistance, you and your husband show up on the case. it turned out to be the villain that the two of you couldn't capture the last time during patrol. 
"HEH?! look y/n, it's this motherfucker again. what's up with this loser, coming back every time it's annoying." 
"play nice now katsuki, let's just go and restrain him and let the police take care of the rest."
the two of you move quickly to match the villain's rapid movements. katsuki flew around using his quirk to attempt to catch him but failed. the villain was surprisingly agile and you guys had a tough time trying to chase him down. 
after around half an hour of chasing you finally cornered the villain on top of a tall building in the middle of the city that was still in construction. the ground was hard to walk on and somewhat unstable but you managed to find your balance. 
"alright, give it up, you've got nowhere to run now. 
"what he said, stop resisting and i won't blow your face off."
the villain's expression turned to fear as you started to close up on him. out of panic, he used his quirk. it was a small beam that didn't hurt at all. however, after a few seconds your body started to heat up, you looked over to katsuki and you could tell he was feeling the same. what was happening?
seeing the two of you struggling, the villain quickly left the scene but he had trouble moving around due to his surroundings. his movements were also somewhat impaired due to fatigue. it was most likely the aftereffect of his quirk which was why he was pretty reluctant in using it. 
the strange feeling in your chest wouldn't go away and your vision started to blur. next thing you know you woke up on top of the same building to see yourself lying next to you. was his quirk duplication? no it couldn't have been. you tried to stand up but felt the weight of some heavy armor dragging you down. you look down to see yourself wearing katsuki's hero costume and his gauntlet. still in awe, you heard a groan in your own voice next to you. 
"shit… wtf happened, y/n where are you where-" 
it didn't take long for your husband to find out what happened. 
the two of you have switched bodies.
you both tried to explain to the police who's who but it only ended in confusion. you went home with your husband after they put the two of you on break for "damaged mental" from the villain because the majority of the police thought you guys were crazy. 
there weren't any cases similar to body switching between heros before so the doctor said there's nothing that can be done other than attempting to wait off the effect. so there you were, in your husband's body, cooking dinner for the man while you saw your own body lazily sitting on the couch with your legs spread open watching the tv. 
life went as normal for the next two days, since you two were both males there weren't any problems whatsoever. however, one day a thought flew into your mind while taking a nap with katsuki. since he was the one who would usually top, now that you're in his body wouldn't it technically mean you get to top? 
physically you would be using your boyfriend's body to fuck yourself. but the thought of the all mighty bakugou katsuki taking his own dick, his bratty attitude, and lastly breaking him and making him fall apart by your touch aroused you in an indescribable way. you knew katsuki wouldn't agree to this due to his prideful personality so you had to take other measures to carry out your plan. 
you and kastuki had all sorts of toys laying around and you decided to give him a taste of his own medicine with them. while he wasn't looking you grabbed the vibrator, handcuffs, and blindfolds and put them all on the nightstand. now that everything is in place, all you have to do is wait to catch katsuki off guard tonight when he gets tired.
later tonight, after finishing dinner, katsuki was yet again sitting casually again on the couch watching tv, not giving a single care to the world. 
"heyy katsuki!"
"hm? yah?" 
"come with me for a second? i want to show you something!" you said with a sly grin on your face
katsuki didn't care enough to talk back, neither did he think this could lead to the ill intentions you had with him tonight. following you into the bedroom, you gestured katsuki to sit down on the bed. he obeyed although he began to have a suspicion of what you're about to do. using your new body, you abused katsuki's strong muscle and speed to restrain your own body with the handcuffs you prepare. there was no way for katuski to fight back in this situation because your body was simply not built enough to resist his. 
"h-huh? what are you doing dumbass…if you're joking s-stop it now, it's not funny." 
"oh i am very serious katsuki, now that i'm inside your body. i am going to fuck your brains out. i'm gonna thrust that bratty attitude of yours right out the window." 
hearing you say that, your husband looked away to avert his eyes while you heard a small gulp coming from his throat. you could tell he was nervous and that's exactly what you wanted. katsuki has never bottomed in his life before and he does plan on doing so either. 
finally having katsuki in your grasp, you decided to carry on with your plan. you put on the blindfold for him as he jolted in surprise. katsuki tried to get out of the handcuffs but later found his attempt futile. these were the toys he used for you too and he out of everyone should know it's impossible to get out of them. once your husband stopped moving you gentlt took off his pants, leaving him exposed wearing only your boxers with an erection under it.
"aww katsuki~ already hard and i haven't even done anything yet, maybe you're better off being the bottom hm?" you teased 
"s-shut up you shit head, just get on with it, whatever evil plan you have in store for tonight…"
"no need to rush katsuki" you said as you entered his asshole with 2 of your fingers, loosening him up for the vibrator. 
"we have the entire night."
you heard your own voice whimper as you explored more with your fingers. soon enough it was time to put the other toy in. your fingers left for a bit preparing the vibrator, leaving bakugou panting from the pleasure and clenching his hole around well, nothing. you turned on the vibrator and katsuki immediately noticed the familiar sound of what's in your hands. 
"o-oi y/n, don't put it in here, i-i won't be able to take it." 
"oh i'm sure you can~ you made me do it plenty of times, why can't the big and strong bakugou katsuki do it?"
without mercy, you put in the vibrator quickly and let the show play out. katsuki was moaning and groaning while you stroked your own cock enjoying the view. katuski's cock was bigger than yours and you weren't used to jacking off such a big dick but it was a nice first.
seeing a wet spot forming on katsuki's underwear, you knew he was ready to go. you took off katsuki's underwear to see the precum leaking from it, so much it looked like he was about to cum any second now. next, you took out the vibrator and started to spread some lube on your cock. you positioned yourself on top of the katsuki and teased his pink hole with your huge cock. 
"what do good boys say katsuki~?" 
"tch! i'm not saying it, y-you sadistic fuck."
you slapped katsuki's ass so loud that the neighbors probably could've heard you.
"i'm the one in control right now, you listen to what i say, understood?"
"f-fine, jesus christ! p-please y/n, put it inside me…" 
"that's a good boy…" 
after you fit ¾ of your cock in katsuki was already panting heavily trying to catch his breath. it reached his prostate you leaned down on his chest to bite on his nipples to make him feel even better. his hole clenched on your hole so tight you were barely able to move your cock around. you continued to make thrusts and sped them up each time. 
during your thrusts you suddenly felt the weird feeling when fighting the villain again. both you and bakugou's body started to burn up but it wasn't as painful as it was last time. next thing you know everything was pitch black. you felt a piece of black cloth on top of your eyes and a familiar size inside your ass. it didn't take you long to realize that you and bakugou finally switched back. 
you were glad to be back in your own body but why did it have to happen now?! out of all the times it could've happened this was no doubt the worst possible timing. you just teased the crap out of bakugou and now that he's in control again he can take his revenge right here, right now.
"oh? would you look at that…our bodies switched back…" you couldn't see katsuki say this but you could already tell the evil smile on his face. 
"k-katsuki i'm sorry, i didn't mean to tease you that hard i was just trying to have some fun y-y'know." you desperately tried to explain. 
"too late now baby boy… bad boys get punished for what they did. now… get ready, for the night of your fucking life." 
regret, nothing but regret. bakugou was already an aggressive person when it comes to sex, now that you pissed him off even more you weren't prepared for what he was about to do to you. 
without warning, katsuki pulled back his hips and thrusted into you harder than ever. you took his entire length right away and the full feeling in your ass was too overwhelming for you to handle. you started to blabber nonsense, unable to form words due to the pleasure. 
"c'mon baby… gotta speak up if you want me to understand you." bakugou said knowing damn well you can't talk back. 
incoherent moans and groans escaped from your mouth as you felt dry orgasms again and again from katsuki reaching your prostate. you were on the verge of passing out till you saw your husband's panting just as hard as you. you could tell he was very close as well. you tried your best to stay conscious and cum with your husbands. 
katsuki let out a loud moan as he cummed inside you. you reached your orgasm too cumming all over yourself. katsuki licked up the cum on your stomach as you slipped into sweet unconsciousness. he gave you a warm smile and patted your head as he took you into his arms and fell asleep with you. 
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hackfurs · 2 years ago
Text
im going to put a summary of what i’ve been going through under a read more to add some context to my absence. its a long one. sorry. also some trigger warnings for: abuse , death of a loved one , ableism , discussion of topics related to nausea
- i have been failing to deal with an intense workload that began all the way back in 2020, when my old computer died and i had to scramble to replace it in the middle of a global pandemic.
- i was able to afford the computer thanks to everyone being so generous at the time, but afterward, i still had bills to pay and needed to afford food.
- since art was the only way i knew how to make money, my queue quickly outpaced my ability to work and i haven’t recovered since despite permanently closing commissions last year (except if my need was dire).
- the stress and guilt associated with having such a long queue continued to compound, making it harder to do art in any capacity. i feel intense guilt when i draw anything not meant for a client. because of this, i don’t have much love for art at the moment.
- my “brand” of ADHD severely affects my executive function capabilities, i have constant issues with insomnia. weeks pass in the blink of an eye and i have no idea where the time goes. and i’m unable to get any treatment for it. my doctor refuses to prescribe anything, and those in my family are unwilling to help me seek treatment with a specialist for adhd.
- up until may-june of this year when i was able to finally get treatment after months of testing, i had had a chronic stomach condition (for the past 5-6 years) that would give me monthly, sometimes weekly issues such as intense nausea and lack of appetite. i would spend every waking moment throwing up, subsisting off of pedialyte popsicles and a cold medicine strong enough to make sure i was never awake enough to full grasp how awful i felt. i lost all joy for eating. every meal was a gamble if i’d feel fine or doom myself to be bedridden for 3 days. there were times i was so weak i couldnt remain awake for longer than 15 minutes at a time. couldn’t think. i was terrorized constantly by fever dreams. so because of this, my every waking moment became dominated by this obsessive game of “am i sick? am i going to be sick? is this a false alarm?” it was maddening and i missed out on so much. my only experience of MFF 2019 was walking through the dealers den for 30 minutes alone because everyone in the group had already looked through everything and wasnt interested. id never felt so alone in a crowd of people before.
- if i wasnt sick, i was recovering and dreading the next time i would inevitably get sick. it haunted my every waking moment. i thought every time it happened “maybe this one actually kills me”. and the whole time the tests turned back nothing. the meds didn’t do anything. it took over a year to finally get a medication that helped and im terrified of ever living like that again. it was hard to get myself to work when i was an anxious wreck huddled in a corner afraid i was going to die, and while i no longer get sick, those anxieties still color every aspect of my life
- now that im unable to work consistently on what i do owe, and now that i’m taking no new commissions, i’ve made around $500 for the entirety of 2022. which isn’t much to live off of, so i’ve been existing entirely on the good will of others. while i’m so thankful for all the help i do receive, it makes me feel like a leech. it makes me feel like everyone will start to hate me eventually when they notice i’m not getting better as fast as they thought i would. and if im not getting better, what was the point of sending money to help?
- on top of all that, my home life has progressively gotten worse. i opened up about my experiences with autism to the relatives i live with, as well as what i deal with because of adhd, and they have been unsympathetic at best to actively abusive at worst.
- one of them has weaponized my autism against me multiple times, and as recently as last week, intentionally triggered a panic attack in me to manipulate me into doing something for her. i’m not able to stand up for myself. i’m constantly infantilized and attacked for things i can’t help. she lets me live here for free, and if i speak up, i stand to become homeless. i have no other option than to accept the abuse of a family member. i have no money to do anything about it. and any money i do get would be put toward refunding people waiting for art.
- this very same family member is also very accident prone, and recently this year would have died in an accident had i not been there to help her. if i had not heard her calls for help. after this incident, i started to bolt out of sleep thinking i heard her calling for help again, and then i have a panic attack when i realize i had just imagined it. despite everything, it would be blood on my hands if i wasn’t around to help the next time something happened. so now im constantly on edge. constantly on the lookout.
- the other family member i live with is going to be dead soon. he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and he refused all treatment and chances to right the ship before it was too late. so instead, he has chosen to die. i don’t know how much longer he has left. he gets confused. he terrifies me sometimes. but there’s nothing i can do about it.
- i feel alienated from almost everyone in my life now. furries and friends alike. everyone i know is waiting on art from me, so i avoid talking to them to avoid the guilt of acknowledging its been months with no update. and when i dont talk, we drift apart. i stop feeling welcome in discord servers. i got pushed out of our mff group for mff 2022. i wanted to go so bad, but i dont think ill ever go again at this point.
- to wrap it all up in one bleak little bow, i am in the most hopeless place i have ever been in my life. i feel like my career is dead and forever tainted. i can’t blame anyone for wanting nothing to do with me now, especially after making people wait so long. i can’t come back from this. my mental health is doomed to deteriorate. just trying to exist in this house has been traumatizing. my one good irl friend i thought i had wants nothing to do with me anymore. i dont see a way out of this. even if a literal miracle fell into my lap and let me refund all the art i owed, it would all still be fucked. i can never make it right with people at this point. its too late. i wasted too much time. im just fucked and its just a matter of how long im allowed to tread water before real life comes knocking and i sink below the waves.
sorry for all that. i guess thats it.
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tsukishimas-shortcake · 3 years ago
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Relationship Headcanons
↦ Character(s): Hakkai Shiba x fem!reader
↦ Rating/Warning: No rating though there are some light mentions of abuse (if you have read the manga you are aware of what I am talking about, I’m not going very deep into it though it literally just mentions it), mentions of anxiety attacks (no detail though), fluff, not proof read
↦ Word count: 1.8k (longer than planned, sections are bolded)
↦ Your Momo’s Receipt: Hello~ I’m post yet another TR headcanon and this was requested by the lovely @strawbub I hope this doesn’t disappoint, it did get longer than planned but I enjoyed writing it. I'll prob do a part two that's more of a scenario based on your first date or something since I didn't go into it here. Please note: for those of you who don’t know my blog is currently under construction, meaning I will not be updating my masterlist for the time being.
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So how did you guys meet, well mostly because of Yuzuha,
One day in like elementary you’re walking home and you see this super pretty middle school girl just like yelling at this small group of guys
The guys end up running off just because they don’t wanna deal with her or the attention she's drawn to them
Behind her was a boy, taller than her but obviously younger. You didn’t assume they knew eachother though.
The boy and yuzuha began walking in opposite directions because one was going home while the other was going to pick up something like groceries
You’re so entranced by how she stood up to them yet she’s a girl who was far smaller and you end up catching up to her, almost stepping on her heels
You end up absent mindedly following her into the grocery store and eventually she just freezes, turns, and stare directly at you
Your eyes widen since you must’ve been staring and she just goes “may I ask why you’re following me?” And you explain how cool she was earlier. She invites you over for dinner (esp since her older brother won’t be home) and figured it’d be good for Hakkai to meet someone his age
You end up going over but Hakkai didn’t come down to eat so you never actually got to meet him, though from then on you would see Yuzuha every so often, visit every other weekend or so
But no matter how often you came over the next few months, you never once met hakkai,
That was until you both reached the end of your middle school education and we’re about to begin high school
You had gone over because you were going to borrow an old work book from Yuzuha, and when you go to knock on the door the door opens before your closed fist could hit it, instead hitting a firm chest
You blush and quickly apologize but the person in front of you doesn’t move at all, doesn’t say anything and almost looks like they drifted into space with their dead stare
You assume this is yuzuha’s older brother because you’ve also never met him and you immediately turn to walk away but Yuzuha calls over hakkai’s shoulder
“Y/N-Chan! You just got here where are you going?” This was def not yuzuha’s older brother. There’s no way she’d be that happy with him around; oh my god. Realization hit, the guy who you hit (though it was more of a tap) was hakkai.
The hakkai you had only caught a glimpse of in yuzuha’s photos, never talked to or actually seen in person despite going to the same school and living in the same neighborhood
He must hate you. That’s why he avoids you. That’s def why - is what you think
Yuzuha drags hakkai back inside and invites you in; you sit down with them in the living room and watch hakkai visibly relax now that he’s inside his house, his own space, with a pillow behind him and a blanket covering his lower half, he almost curls up into it as he continues to avoid your stare
“Hi hakkai…Kun? Im L/N Y/N” you say and you see his face dead pan once again
Yuzuha can be heard laughing from the kitchen as she comes back in.
She leans over and begins explaining that hakkai literally just freezes with any interaction between him and girls who aren’t in his family
You nod, thinking maybe it’s an anxiety thing? Which is the case with you, but only because he’s been watching you since you’ve come over (not in a creepy way) wanting to and working the courage up to talk to you
The 5th or so time you came over after that encounter he was inches away from introducing himself before the house phone rang causing everyone to kind of “wake up” in a sense
Every time since then he gets closer and closer but isn’t able to say anything; he even realizes he has a crush on you.
The way you sit when you do homework and how cute you look when you’re focused.
How your forehead scrunches up when you’re trying to figure something out and you end up just sitting back with a small huff followed by yuzuha’s signature laughter.
It’s also a huge thing that you get along with Yuzuha.
So enough with first meeting time for the confession.
He ends up confessing accidentally. He didn’t know you were coming over to begin with so he was flustered out of his mind. And how was he supposed to know you hadn’t actually fallen asleep and you could hear him over the tv
The tv was more white noise than anything and the day was hot since it was the middle of summer causing the window to be open and the sound of soft wind and small birds to drift in; this was the hot that makes you tired so you were all sprawled out of just sitting in a daze
So while resting your head on the table you’re dozing in and out but then you hear hakkai begin to speak, something he never really did around you
Now did you and hakkai text? Yes. Did it take him an hour to reply because his brain would explode when you replied to him? Yes. But was it a start to communication? Also a yes.
You hear him say your name quietly before he moved closer, you can feel his gaze on your features
“I like you” is all he says. Simple and sweet. But you sit there in shock, trying not to blush so he’ll have no idea you heard him but he can tell because your forehead scrunches
You heard him and are focused on if you should reply or not. And he knows that.
You open your eyes and just look up at him, he’s closer than expected. His hand close to yours on the floor and he reaches over and grabs it lightly. Hoping you’ll also return the gesture by holding his hand instead of leaving your hand limp inside his.
And you do, thank goodness, and Hakkai almost mentally can’t handle it.
Once you start dating it’s more so just hanging out at his house or yours; however he talks a bit more and you text a lot more. He’s gotten better at replying. It usually takes him like 15 minutes now
He’s kinda stressed about your relationship but not due to anything you or him did
He’s stressed because of the mentality his older brother gave him
Is he even allowed to be this happy?
He finally has someone thats small enough and naive enough that he can protect you; compared to constantly being protected it’s a sudden, strong, yet good change for him
He’s touch s t a r v e d
Yes Yuzuha shows affection; but he stopped accepting her hugs when he was around 8 just because he physically wasn’t able to handle it due to his bruises and such
But with you, even with his bruises and all you take care of him. Able to coax him into using medicines and toning down the physical violence (that he can control himself)
He also finds it super soothing when you lightly brush over his scars (especially those that his brother gave him), it helps him believe that scars are only physical and can fade with help
One thing that stresses him out the most is trying to hide you from his brother. Any time you leave something at the house its easy to pass it off as yuzuha's but when it comes to things like photos he has with you, he can't hang them up, show them off, or have them as his phone Lock Screen, etc. because he just really doesn't want his brother to know and target you since he'll then know that you're his weakness (aside from yuzuha as well)
Sometimes won't explain why he can't hang out and has legit pushed you out of his house before at the last minute notice of his brother coming home
Will always make sure you get home safe though, usually by having Yuzuha go with you since then she can just say you're a friend from school
Your parents love him, though they were a bit hesitant it became a "you always have a place to stay" because they learned about their family situation from you and yuzuha. So expect him to spend the night when he's too scared to deal with his brother. Same with yuzuha. (yes I know this isn't yuzuha head canons but its hard to write for him without mentioning her when they're so close)
We're talking three person sleep overs. Yuzuha and you of course share the bed and Hakkai takes some time to even set foot in your room much less sleep on a mattress that's on the floor
He has a small heart attack every time he comes into your room because he's overwhelmed with everything, he's never been so comfortable and it makes him feel restless. Like he's never and I mean n e v e r been less stressed and slept better than when he does so in your room
The smell, the colors, just being surrounded by you is something that completely changes his mood
Once showed up after he fought with his brother, tears in his eyes and clothes a bit tattered and you just pulled him to your room, and sat down with him.
You laid on your bed with him laying down onto of you, head on your chest as you rubbed his head and only said a few words "its not your fault"
He ends up crying so hard he falls asleep and gets dehydrated and you have to make him drink a bunch of water when he finally wakes up.
NSFW
super fucking careful w you
almost annoyingly so, but you're understanding
He knows that he might be taking things frustratingly slow but he knows that since you understand and know his history that you can help him get through it
Your first time you think you'll have to call it off because he's shaking so bad
"baby... are you sure it won't hurt you?" he keeps asking.
pretty sure that's the longest its ever taken him to finish because he was so anxious
despite being so slow and hesitant, late he isn't too scared to get a bit rougher
but im not talking anything crazy im talking like he's willing to pull your hair a bit or nip a bit harder at your neck.
Please never ask him to do anything like degrade you or some type of harsh physical rough shit, he can't
like literally im 99% sure that if you ask him to choke you or something he will pass out because of the anxiety attack he would have at even the thought.
in short with nsfw though he is sweet boy. He's a switch through and through. Loves when you take care of everything because then he doesn't have to be scared of hurting you.
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mayans-sauce · 4 years ago
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Dr. Reyes
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Pairing: Dr. Ez Reyes x Female Reader
Word Count: 1K
Warnings: some smut, hot doctor Ez
A/N: thank you @justlikebreathing for giving me this idea. And thank you Felipe Reyes for mentioning that Ez was supposed to become a doctor because THATS hot. I hope this turned out ok because I wrote it in like an hour or two! Also I had to make this a little hot somehow lol
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•• Main Masterlist •• Ez Masterlist ••
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This was your first day at Dr. Reyes Family Clinic, and this was the first job you were having after finishing medical school. You were so excited to start working at a real place finally.
Your job, to begin with, would be to help out Dr. Reyes, to observe, and after some time, you would be able to handle your own patients as well as getting your own practice there.
You hadn’t met the doctor yet since all the planning went through his receptionist, but from what you had gathered around town since you moved to Santo Padre a week ago, was that he was a very young and handsome man as well as a brilliant doctor.
As you walked through the doors of the clinic, you were greeted by the receptionist, who introduced herself as Lydia. “Welcome, Y/N; we are so happy to have you here.” “Thank you! I’m so happy to start.” “Follow me if you’d like.”
She took you into a room where you could change into the clinic clothes. Lydia was lovely, and she would help you around with everything you needed. “Dr. Ezekiel will come shortly to introduce himself.”
You waited for a bit on the chair in the room. There was a knock on the door, and you rose from the seat. In walked the most handsome and sexiest man you had ever seen. He looked like a God that had been sculpted to perfection. On his coat, it said Dr. Ezekiel Reyes. This was the doctor? This man? Were you going to work with this beautiful creature? He looked more like a trainer or a model than a doctor, but you weren’t complaining.
You hadn’t realized that you zoned out, practically drooling at the sight until he tried to get your attention. “Hello? Hey? I’m doctor Reyes, but you can call me Ez if you want.”
“H-hi… so-sorry *nervous laugh* I’m Y/N. I will be working with you.”
“Yes, I know. Welcome Y/N,” a smirk was placed on his face as he had his hand out for you to shake, which you took gladly. His skin was warm and soft, and his big muscles flexed underneath his clothes as he squeezed the hand, making you weak in the knees.
This should be interesting and fun to work with him.
The first day wasn’t too big of a hassle. Only a few patients which left time for doctor Reyes to give you a tour of the place as well as show you how everything worked.
The following days were busy, and you were mesmerized by how amazing Ez was at his job. Not only was he sexy, but he was the most brilliant doctor you had met. He was sweet towards his patients; he cared for and loved them. He knew his stuff and was incredibly smart with medicine and knowledge in general.
You also couldn’t help but daydream about him. One time he took off his coat which left him only in a button-down white shirt that hugged his muscles so tightly. He looked delicious, his biceps flexing with every move he made. A few tattoos decorated his arms which made him even more handsome, if that was possible.
He complimented you whenever he let you take a patient, and he quickly realized that you could do all of this without his help. A practice of your own wasn’t too far ahead. You almost passed out one time when he called you a good girl. He 100% noticed and had his shit-eating grin on his face.
You and Ez developed a friendship instantly. He would regularly invite you to the nearest bar to have a relaxing evening after a full day's work.
Those times in the bar were the moments you would fall more and more in love with him. The lights dimmed as you and he sat maybe a little bit too close for just a couple of friends. The conversation and drinks would last for hours, talking about everything and nothing.
It had been about two months since you started working at Dr. Reyes Family Clinic. You couldn’t have asked for anything better with this job. The few people working there had become like family. The patients were talkative and the most loving people. Dr. Reyes was intelligent and sexy as always, and you were 100% in love with him now, but you didn’t want anything to ruin what you had, so you kept your mouth shut.
You were rummaging in the supply closet to stock up on some things. The door opened, and to your surprise, it was no other than Dr. Reyes standing there, looking at you with a look you had never seen before. It made you scared… but turned on at the same time.
“D-doctor Reyes, what are you doing here?”
“Doctor, huh? I love when you say that,” he said with a dark and deep tone. A voice that had you wanting to get on your knees and suck him off right then and there.
“Are we doing this Y/N?” He took slow steps towards you, which made you back into the wall.
“D-doing what, doctor?” You played dumb and innocent. Of course, you knew where this was going. What else would this be right now? It had you screaming on the inside of finally, maybe, having him take you in the supply closet that you had dreamed about every night.
“Don’t play dumb, be a good girl. You know what I’m talking about,” he stood in front of you now.
“I think you need to show me, doctor Reyes,” you whispered against his lips. His hand came to wrap around your throat to squeeze you lightly.
“I will. Right here, right now…”
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Thank you for reading❤️ a quick reblog and feedback would be so appreciated❤️
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calpops · 4 years ago
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barely breathing | c.h.
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You and Calum cope with your daughter getting sick and all of the memories it brings back. 
1.5k words
dates with cal masterlist | my masterlist
Copyright © 2021 calpops. All rights reserved. This original work is not allowed to be reposted on any platform in any format (translations included).
~~~
White walls and uncomfortable plastic chairs invade Calum’s world once more. The sterile smell in the air burns deep and the beep of machines brings him back to six months ago, back to a time before your baby could be in his arms, back to when every breath was a fight for her life. Now his arms are empty once again and worry spirals around him in hazy vision and short breaths.
He knows you’re beside him but even that knowledge isn’t enough to pull him from his panic as white coats rush through the halls. His eyes shut, burning and pushing back tears, and all he can see is Mila smiling up at him from her incubator for the first time, all he can hear is her first giggle at the brush of his finger on her nose. All he wants is to hear her first word and see her first steps.
Calum clutches at the arm of the chair instead of your hand, knowing the force is too much and that the slight bite of pain from white knuckles helps remind him to stay alert. He hears you sigh, maybe yawn, he’s not even sure through the disconnect he still feels. It reminds him of the broken breath you took over the phone when you called earlier in the day. Two words had gotten him to his feet from his lax sitting position on Ashton’s couch. His songwriting journal had fallen to the floor. Mila’s sick. His heart had pounded at the explanation and the next two words you barely managed to utter. Come home. He was out the door before either of you could take another breath.
“She’s gonna be okay.”
Calum hears your voice and he rationalizes with your words and finally knows what it feels like to be on the receiving end of something that feels so far out of reach. He doesn’t know how he convinced you she would be okay when she laid in an incubator, or even how he convinced himself, he doesn’t know why he can’t seem to grapple with that sentiment when her prognosis is less dire. All he knows is numbness. He’s numb to the truth that you speak, numb to the bright lights flashing before him and numb in his fingers and chest and just barely feels your hand settle on his forearm.
“Love, look at me.”
He manages to look up and find concern in your gaze. It’s the same gaze you gave him when he came rushing through the door that afternoon to see Mila in your arms and hear the panic in your voice. She’s barely breathing. Three words and little gasps and wheezes had rushed you both to the hospital with glass walls of worry separating you. It’s the first time he’s looked in your eyes since.
“I think you’re having a panic attack,” you tell him, voice soft and trying to be soothing. Calum nods past a shallow breath and feels his shoulders tighten as they shroud in on himself. “You need to breathe. In… and out.”
Your hand runs up and down his arm with each instruction of in and out and within a few minutes he feels again. He feels your fingertips and the honesty in your words and the love in your eyes. The numbness shatters on the tiled floor below when the doctor’s voice cuts through.
“Hoods?” he asks and lets his gaze skirt to both of you when you immediately stand, Calum thankful that you haven’t dropped your hold on his arm. He’s sure it’s the only thing keeping him steady. “You can come see Mila now.”
The walk down the hallway is silent for you and Calum. Harsh lights pool down from above and Calum blinks back the brightness and the burning in his eyes as you both come upon an all too familiar door. You’re not in the same unit as when Mila was born, the NICU two floors above but the sentiment of a hospital room and your child being inside is eerily similar and heartbreaking.
“We have her using a nebulizer,” the doctor says and Calum realizes he’s been talking the entire time; filling the two of you in on how she’s doing. He steels himself and recollects some words. Pneumonia. Asthma. Medicine. Okay. When the door opens and Calum’s eyes land on Mila he feels his breath catch in the back of his throat.
“Can she come home tonight?” Calum hears you ask and he knows he should pay attention, it’s one of the only questions that really matter, but he’s too transfixed on images at present that remind him of the past.
Mila lays still and quiet, the nebulizer giving her medicine to help her heal. But all Calum can see is his newborn daughter taking in oxygen through tubes, the glare of plexiglass form the incubator and an entire life flashing before his eyes. His hand clutches yours as he forces out another deep breath. He can feel himself swaying and zoning in and out on the conversation you hold with the doctor. He’s glad to have you by his side, takes comfort in the soothing motion of your thumb running across the back of his hand. He remembers coaxing you to Mila’s side when she was just days old, encouraging you to reach into the incubator to hold her hand. This time it’s you who gives Calum a push.
With small steps and whispered words he follows your lead to Mila’s side. As soon as he can see her eyes staring up at him he breaks; the glass wall that had been up comes shattering down as he sinks into the chair at her side. He whispers to her and once he starts he can’t stop. He wants her to know that he’s there; a piece of guilt from being away for the day weighing on him unknowingly.
“Cal,” you cut in amongst his mindless blather of I’m here now. He turns to look at you, breath still coming with thought but feels himself ease when your eyes are gentle. “Don’t say that.”
With newfound curiosity Calum looks at you with questions in his eyes. He’s not sure what he’s not supposed to say, words tumbling out without much thought other than of Mila. He’s not sure what not to say or why he shouldn’t say it. You sit by his side, take his hand again and glance at Mila, eyes glossy but strong.
“Don’t blame yourself for not being there,” you finally explain. “It’s not your fault she’s sick. You being there this morning wouldn’t have changed anything. We’d still be here right now.”
Calum nods, rolls his shoulders back and bites his lip through the urge of a sob trying to break through. He understands what you mean and while a part of him can grapple with it and believe it there’s still a hairline fracture of doubt that threatens to break him again. He knows you can see it and appreciates you continuing to talk him away from the shards of broken glass.
“She was fine this morning. Smiling and giggling. It just happened, Cal. One second she was fine and the next she was coughing. You came rushing back. You’re always there for her. Never doubt that.”
A deep breath finally escapes Calum and belief floods him in its place. Your reassurance calms the stormy thoughts in his mind. The reminder of Mila’s smile and giggles replaces images of an incubator and fights for life. His grip on your hand tightens and he motions for you to come closer; you abandon your own chair and settle into his lap and arms. Calum decides this is okay, that the only way it will be better is once you’re all back at home, sitting in the rocker of Mila’s nursery with both of you in his arms.
“Did he say she can go home tonight?” Calum asks, finally finding his voice though it does shake with the effort. “I wasn’t listening.”
Your laughter makes the drab hospital room a little lighter. The kick of Mila’s foot in recognition of the noise makes Calum’s heart and worries a little less heavy.
“Yes. They’re going to finish her dose of medicine and then send us home with everything we need to take care of her.”
“Good. That’s good,” Calum mumbles and buries his face against your shoulder. He doesn’t want to take his eyes off of Mila but he needs a moment to remind himself that you’re there too.
Calum finds himself able to breathe and listen the next time the doctor comes in, finds that his need to be with Mila ends with him holding her from the hospital and sitting with her in the car as you head home. His only want, to sit in the rocker and have you both, comes to light as the moon shines through sheer curtains.
“I’m taking tomorrow off,” Calum says as the sway of the rocking chair guides Mila into sleep, her comfort in your arms insurmountable. “We were supposed to go to the studio but she’s more important.”
You can’t argue with that. Nor would you ever want to.
~~~
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