#maybe the justice system and the law suck sometime

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

i was so close to fighting the neo fascists but i deleted the post i dont want this kind of attention. but the post was soooo stupid

[asexualjedi]

Have to figure out in the next couple of weeks if I want to take the bar exam bc apparently it’s a pain just to apply and like a fight against god to try to get accomodations. And I’ve been trying to get accommodations for the mpre since April so like :/. Pain. Idk. It’s. Haha I didn’t think I could get more disillusioned with the legal system by coming to law school. And like I feel like it didn’t?? Idk. I’m just. It’s just only so much you can see and understand how the system not only sucks but is also designed to make lawyers lose empathy, and like pretend they are above politics even though the profession is inherently political and. Like. It’s a nightmare huh. Like. Idk. I don’t want to be part of such an awful system but like if you don’t then liek it’s all filled with people who don’t care or don’t have the capacity to care. Idk. I think I need to talk to my clinic professor bc she said she came to law school intending to not like take the bar and be a human rights advocate. But ended up becoming a juvenile public defender after being in a clinic. And maybe also like my restorative Justice professor bc she is also very disillusioned by the ideas of lawyers. I feel like I was having this falling apart like. In her class haha. But. It just I thought I’d have more time to decide!!! Like I signed up for a class where you meet lawyers each week who do soemthing different so you can learn what you want to do. But… you can only take it your last semester and it’s like ok at that point you’ve already signed up and paid for the bar exam. And applied haha. And like yeah you can start anything at any age but it feels like. Ok I’m going to be 27 and still have no clue what I’m doing. Like. Idk. But. It’s also just like. Everything you learn about the system you realize how resistant to change it is and how slow it is to get anything down like 7 years on average to pass a regulation for the environment sort of shit. And it’s like ok ok well we don’t have that long on this bitch of an earth. But also like?! Idk. and idk how much of this is me just having bad shit happening with my mom, no free time at all bc of my schedule, and losing sleep bc of both things clouding my judgement. But like ??! I’m going to have to decide either way. I just. I guess I could take it and then decide after wards but like!!! That would be like 3 months of my life studying and like thousands of dollars to study and take the damn thing and like. Ahhhhhhh. This is how I felt graduating from undergrad I was like surely I’ll figure out what I want to do. But then I was just like the world is terrible idk if I can be an artist with such horrors and even if I did I want like health insurance and not to have to find a new job every 3 months and that has started to not be a thing sny the time I graduated and it has only gotten worse on that account since the years have passed haha. Idk I’m spiraling and I have a paper to write and parole hearing to prepare for so I’m going to do my deep breathing. Remember that maybe. Uhhh I’ll have a week after Christmas to make a fun dress inspired by commander cody. God if only I could make silly dresses for a living but I fear my environmental code re fabric purchasing and also my slow nature make that something that wouldn’t work and also again. I want health insurance. Honestly my entire life has me been running from having to be a freelancer and it’s honestly. Just. I think that’s what I’m going to have to do. Law degree or not. Idk. If I don’t be a lawyer. It. Idk. I’ll. Focus on paper lock in. And then. Idk. Get through the semester try to not break down over my mom. And uhhh. I think after Christmas. I might have free time to break down? Maybe I can move some shit around and try to have sometime to figure out what I’m doing but honestly like I’m so busy ignoring that my clinic has me doing shit after the semester ends. Ok.

[haikyuu-sins]

I just found your page and I’m in love with your writing!!! Could I maybe get Law, Kidd, and Zoro with a s/o who has chronic fatigue syndrome? (Excessive fatigue some days, insomnia others, random chronic pains and having to deal with ALWAYS being tired)? I have it and would like something about it with my favorite boys! And your writing is sooo good so I trust you to write it! Thank yoooou have a great day!

Thank you so much for trusting me with this! I hope I do it justice! (Mostly Kid because I don’t know how many times I’ve written for him and I just hope it’s decent!) I did a some research on it so my knowledge is very limited on this subject so again, I hope i do your ask justice! :)

Warnings: Kid is a Dick, one suggestive line from him.

Law

Being the doctor he is, he'll do his best with finding the best medicines and vitamins to help you.

He understands that it’s a medical condition and it’s not just you being lazy when you’re always tired. But he also understands because he  had those symptoms too when the amber lead was still in his system so he knows all too well what the chronic pains feel like.

Tells you to rest frequently when you do feel tired because he knows that sometimes you aren’t able to sleep. He’d rather you be sleeping too much than not enough.

Law hates when he can’t do anything for you, whether it be your fatigue, insomnia, or your chronic pain. The pain is what he hates the most out of all of it and feels the worst about not being able to help with. The insomnia he can deal with because he has it too and the two of you can stay up together and talk. The fatigue he can deal with as well because when that happens he just wants you to rest. Even if it doesn’t necessarily help all the time, he doesn’t want you to over exert yourself.

What Law hates even more though is the fact that you’re all pirates so at any given time there could be a fight. He doesn’t ever want you fighting when you haven’t slept because if you slip up at all, you could be dead and he can’t be worrying about everyone on the battlefield when he has his own fight to deal with as well.

If anything he gives you for your pain ever runs out before you get to the next island, he feels guilty that you’ll have to put up with it until you get there. Even if you tell him that it’s not a big deal, he’ll know you’re lying because he did it all the time when someone asked if he was okay.

Will do absolutely anything for you to alleviate the pain or help you sleep. You want him to meditate with you? He’s for it. Breathing exercises? Hell yeah. You want him to play with your hair because you find it relaxing? He’s in.

Kid

I’m sorry but Kid literally didn’t give a shit for the longest time. He thought you were just being lazy and used it as an excuse when you didn’t want to do what you were supposed to do around the ship.

He only kind of started to take it seriously when the doctor on board noticed the way you were acting (or you went to them and the doctor noticed that Kid was still being a huge dick to you)

Says things like “Whatever, go and rest or something. I don’t fucking care.” and “I can help you go to sleep” *wink*

Kid doesn’t really get the chronic pain part though to be honest. He just thinks you should suck it up because pirates get hurt. So don’t go to him when you’re hurting, or don’t tell him because he’ll probably put you down about it. You’re better off going to Killer about it, at least he’ll be a little sympathetic.

This isn’t to say Kid won’t ever feel sympathy towards you but it’s mostly when you haven’t slept and he can see how physically drained you are from the lack of sleep.

Don’t ask him to do yoga with you. He doesn’t exactly think it looks very manly and god forbid if anyone walks in on him in a downward dog pose. Breathing exercises? He’ll think about it, as long as he doesn’t look weird doing it then he might.

If there’s any kind of medication you take or vitamins that help, he’ll remind you to take them. Sometimes he’s actually better at remembering them than you are.

Zoro

Much better at this than Kid. Mostly it’s because he’s just less aggressive in the first place.

He’s very lost about it at first, like why do you hurt just because you’re tired? It doesn’t make sense to him. But explain it to him or have Chopper explain it and he’ll understand it a little bit better. That’s not to say he does completely, but at least he tries to understand.

Like Kid, he might not understand the pain part at first, mostly because he’s a “no pain, no gain” kind of guy so he kind of ignores pain for the most part. But he’ll give you massages too if you even ask for them. It’s kind of rare that he initiates it, but he will if he notices you having a particularly bad day.

Zoro will 100% let you rest or lean on him if you need to. He’d also love it if you napped with him when you’re tired.

He can be forgetful, so if you don’t remember to take anything that helps you, there’s a decent chance he will too. It’s a good idea not to rely on Zoro when it comes to taking medicine.

Will absolutely do any sort of self care with you. He already does meditation nearly everyday, so what’s a few more times? Do you need to talk about how frustrated you are? Zoro’s ears will always be open to listen. You wanna do some sort of face masks to calm you down and relax? Put them on him! He loves it!

[pigeonsatdawn]

law school ep 15 (and solhwi overall)

gonna put in my two cents for the line that singlehandedly caused the solhwi nation to implode.

(apologies in advanced because my thoughts are too messy for me to neatly put it in a post but i want to say it anyway—also this is just the way i view solhwi so please don't come screaming at me if you disagree!)

i'm a diehard solhwi shipper and i love their relationship, and think they have one of the best relationships out there in the fictional world, and also definitely one of the healthiest. but to me, their relationship extends far beyond the romantic relationships we so often see portrayed in media.

kim beom said in one interview that this relationship between HJH and KS is kin to that of a soulmate relationship that's not necessarily romance, and i find myself agreeing with that notion. while soulmates are typically used to describe romantic partnerships, it doesn't necessarily have to start with romance. (many people have pointed this out in other posts so i won't go further down the fact that HJH x KS's relationship is a friends-to-lovers slow burn but you get me.)

but in fact, this bond between soulmates (or at least how i define it), in my opinion, is far beyond what we usually see in romance. as in, it's not just someone you like, but it's someone whose changed your life in a certain way. i know some may be averse to the idea of having to change for the one you love because loving is the notion of accepting someone in spite of the person's flaws, but what i mean is that when you love someone in this way, you want to change because of them. you see them, and they inspire you, and you grow in your own way. once again—growth is a very subjective idea, and even for HJH and KS we can see them grow in different directions—but we can clearly see how they have impacted each others' lives.

it's quite obvious, imo, how KS's life has been impacted by HJH's. she's,, not the "smartest" out there, and we can't deny that. we know she probably won't make it through law school if not for HJH's help. HJH is always there, a step ahead of KS, but he's not just being proud about it, instead opting to help her understand what the laws are and why they are the way they are, which KS especially needs, being a particularly empathic person. but we've also seen that HJH has helped KS beyond simply academics. he's always been there to protect her—almost all their interactions have proven that (the camera outside her house, the hungover soup, the switching seats—i think literally everything?..?..?.??). maybe she doesn't necessarily need protection, but surely thanks to his protection she's much better than she might've been without, especially knowing her terribly miserable life.

but i often wonder why HJH is so heart-eyes of KS of all people. i mean, i know love is love and sometimes you just catch feelings, but i believe there's more meaning behind their relationship than meets the eye. like you don't just look at someone so lovingly for it to be just a crush, y'know? the first reason that comes to mind is clearly simply KS's amicable personality. she definitely stands out: she's not that intelligent, struggling and barely surviving, but she has insane passion to pull through even despite truth attacks (like SJH saying she should reconsider her life decisions, saying that a chance of passing isn't something to be proud of, etc). she treats everything with such a positive outlook, and, well, KS is just an adorable human, so it's hard not to have a little crush her.

what makes KS stand out most, the core of her personality, is that she has hope, despite everything. she's been through shit because of her circumstances—left by her twin sister without a word, been in juvie, has no money to deal with it—you know, entire backstory. but instead she fights her weakness, even though she feel like it should've been her sister, even though she's not smart enough, because she has to do this. she keeps going, even though things keep turning out for the worse for her, holding hope when circumstances are most dire. but why? because she strives for justice. she doesn't want to be wronged. she wants the law to own up its mistakes, wants to make sure the law gets its own revenge. that's why she wants to work in law, yeah? and so she keeps fighting, even when hope seems lost.

okay but why did i mention this? because i think this is what HJH sees in KS. why? because this is what he needs.

HJH had lost hope. in an episode (i don't remember which), he mentioned he doesn't trust anyone, and it's obvious why: his uncle. it's the worst kind of betrayal that causes your ideals being burned down. he realized that even people who work in law can be corrupt, people who he thought he could trust above all others, people who seemed utterly good. and then he just begins to regard everyone with baseline amity, and no further. many have pointed out he doesn't have real friends (other than KS), even though he looks outgoing and friendly. it's not quite shown, but it must've been lonely. and a lonely fight, trying to prove that he will be a better prosecutor than his uncle was. and we know that HJH's nature as a person is to be calculating, objective, seeing things through facts and statistics; it's what makes him so intelligent. what that also makes him is realistic, and more often than not, that is almost equal to pessimistic—because reality just... sucks, as has been proven by the betrayal of his uncle. and further into the drama we see only more corrupt people in the business, so we certainly don't get out hopes fueled.

there's scarcely anyone in what we see who's actually pursuing law because they're passionate about the law, or if they are, they're not often very... human in doing it. examples: YJH, SJH, KSB are all very cold and indifferent types, people who really just come and do what they do, focus on studies (in the case of YJH, his teaching), and interactions with others are treated as "lesser". SJH and KSB in particular—they're good at the law, sure, but they seem to prioritize their position in law first and foremost. SJH and KSB don't hesitate to call out their losses, and even would rather not intervene for justice if it meant their position would be compromised. not that they're bad characters, not at all; i mentioned them simply to compare them to KS, who, despite not having the brains to do half the things she's supposed to do and earning herself nosebleeds everytime she tries, still does what she does for justice, passionately, hopefully, all for righteousness.

okay this was longer than i intended WHEW so i'll cut to the chase: long story short, HJH needs KS because KS gives him hope. hope of a humanity where people actually work in law and choose to fight for justice against all odds, even if the system itself is infiltrated by filth and corruption. KS is someone who, in her first lecture, was grilled the fuck out by Yangcrates, yet the first thing she does after she nearly throws her guts out is ask HJH whether he can tutor her. she does not ever lose hope, and that, truly, is what stands out to HJH, what he needs.

and KS needs HJH because he is her hope as well! hope by itself does no good if you can't actually do something about it, and KS knows this. HJH, despite seemingly just being someone to help her in her studies, is someone she needs if she wants to achieve her goals, if she wants to get back on the law the right way. which is why, in the end, KS and HJH are, while independent in their own way, dependent on each other in terms of their growth—KS gives HJH hope in humanity, HJH helps KS realize (make real) her hopes that would have been dreams if not for her.

oh my god i've rambled on this long without stating my point: THE DAMN LINE.

HJH saying he owes her makes sense in this light because, indeed, KS's positive outlook in everything keeps him going. it gives him a reason to keep wanting to work in law, because she is a reason to believe in goodness and justice, that there will be people who keep fighting for justice against all odds. he owes this to her—and perhaps that is why he goes all out to help her achieve that hope, perhaps that's why he goes out of his way to care for her. because they are each other's missing puzzle piece, the other half. soulmates.

sigh ok this was long ONE FINAL POINT. everyone has their own opinion on a solwhi ending, so i might as well chip in mine.

certainly, as a solhwi shipper, i want them to end up together. i believe they're really the best of soulmates, two people who just complement each other so well. but in the current timeline, them having a romantic relationship out of the blue would be,,, simply unnecessary, imo. they're still very much in the stage of friendship, and are both dealing with their own personal baggage, that shoving a romance would just take away the focus from their growth. i personally think even this platonic relationship is already a beautiful one, one that outshines many of the romances i've watched, even without having to flood everything under the romance light—which i think many can agree with me, seeing as how solhwi is shipped so much. i still want to see them end up together, though, so SEASON TWO LAW SCHOOL MANIFESTATION. please please please directors writers make it happen i am begging you. thank you.

sorry for this long ass post, thank you if you do read it and leave any thoughts! again this is just my opinion, you're free to let me know if you think differently or anything, or shoot me a message if you want to scream about solhwi or whatever i'm just solhwi brainrot 24/7 🤸🏻‍♀️

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

Take My Hand (Part One)

Summary: a secret relationship was enough, being with rafael was enough. and it was. until it wasn’t (one of three parts) 

Pairings: Rafael Barba x Reader, Sonny Carisi x Reader (more in next parts) 

Word Count: 3,417

Song:  I'm begging for you to take my hand / Wreck my plans, that's my man (willow by taylor swift) 

Warnings: T, implied sex, some sexual situations (but just kissing and touching, nothing explicit), fwb relationship essentially, rafael’s commitment issues, 

A/N: thank you to @bucky-of-the-opera​ and @qvid-pro-qvo​ for letting me bounce ideas off and not annoy you (hopefully) with my incessant obsession with this mini-series. 

“Barba, it’s time to go home,” the illustrious A.D.A. didn’t bother to look up from your brief he was revising, the margins bloodied with red ink and edits, as you watched, pressed against his doorframe, “you can tear my work to shreds tomorrow.” 

“Since when did you become my keeper?” he murmurs, his brow wrinkled much like the carpet that lined his floor —- and the rest of his office wasn’t much better — dimmed and dark much like the bags under his eyes, takeout containers from Forlini’s stacked in his trash can, printed briefs and case files stacked like a wall around the perimeter of his desk, some even stacked up on the larger conference table, a few scattered on the floor. 

“Oh it was in the job description,” you step forward, picking up the files that had jumped ship, likely to escape your boss, “assistant district attorney needed to assure SVU’s lead ADA is not found buried in an avalanche of cases that decided to take their revenge.” 

He snorts, still flipping pages through the memo, his tie loosened around his neck, sleeves pushed up to reveal his forearms, “I didn’t know you were a comedian before law school,” 

And for once you’re grateful that he doesn’t bother to look up — it means he  doesn’t notice your eyes lingering on his forearms, “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Barba,” 

And you expect a biting response, a quick retort, but instead you get honest reply, “Well I’d like to, if you’d let me,” you blink a moment, as he glances up for a moment, his look nearly earnest, “you know you do have a habit of keeping people at arm’s length.” 

“This isn’t about me,” and he smiles, looking back down at his work. 

“And the deflection begins,” you huff, scowling at him, though he still paid no mind.  

“Well my office doesn’t look like the aftermath of a legal aid implosion, and I’ve actually been sleeping 6 hours a night, can you say the same?” 

He frowns, lips pursed, “I can take care of myself,” 

“Clearly,�� you crossed your arms, straightening the rug with the heel of your shoe, rounding his desk, “this case was impossible today, it will be impossible tomorrow.” 

“Well maybe if I worked a little harder it wouldn’t be so impossible, maybe we’d even get a little justice,” he sighs, lips pressed to the knuckles of his fist. 

You tilt your head, “You know this system is not always getting justice — sometimes it’s just about closure, and that’s all we can do sometimes.” 

“I want to do more— I—” he breaks off, knuckles white against clutching his pen, “I knew the system was full of grays, I know but—” 

“It’s different when it’s SVU, I know, but,” your fingers reach for his tentatively, easing the pen from his fingers, “you can only do what the system lets you — it’s not our job to legislate — it’s our jobs to advocate, to let the people’s voice be heard in court. But you can’t do that if you work yourself right into the ground.” 

“I know, I just—” 

“Barba, you know there’s no point of self-flagellating, no matter how tempting it might be,” 

He lets out a bitter chuckle, “It’s one of my many talents,” before rubbing his hands up and down his face, as if that would erase the exhaustion pressed upon his shoulders. 

“Oh I know,” you say with a sigh, “but you have other talents, don’t you?” and he finally looks up at you — most times you didn’t know what to make of his looks — sometimes it was easy — amusement when the defense counsel tripped up or frustration when the detectives kept pressing him to take the case further when it already sprung a leak — but other times it was a glimmer, a hint at something you could barely grasp onto before it disappeared between your fingers. But now, it lingered, his gaze raked over you until it left your skin blaringly raw under his steady look. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” and now, you barely remember to breathe, the air sucked from the room, instead replaced with a heat — thicker as it settles, but still he sends shivers down your spine, your eyes barely flickering over his lips. 

“I do,” the words falling from your lips, a rushed, thoughtless whisper.

His eyes molten, he leans forward, he mutters your name, barely a whisper — an ask for permission, as his palm dares to rest on your cheek, carefully, as if you would recoil from his touch — but you didn’t. You leaned into his palm, basking in his affection. 

His hand slips down, thumb brushing your lips and then resting on your chin, tilting it downwards, “Are you sure you want to know me this well?” he asks, as you lean forward, your backside pressed against the edge of his desk. 

“I do, if you’ll let me,” his breath warms your lips, “Rafael,” you whisper right before his lips brush yours. 

It’s chaste at first, tentative and gentle, but when your fingers find purchase on the back of his neck, you chase his lips. You taste coffee — bitter and rich, as rich as the passion and urgency of his kisses. Soon he’s standing, and you’re sitting at the edge of the desk, his body between your legs. His hands trail down your body, and his lips follow — pressing fervent kisses to your neck. And your hand grasps at the edge of his to keep yourself steady, the other on his shoulder, digging into his crisp button down. 

“Someone could walk in,” you gasp, hissing as his teeth gently graze your neck, “Raf—” 

He pauses, leaning back, “You’re right,” and you bite your lip, as he steps back, grabbing his jacket, glancing between you and the door, “it’s late, we should—” 

“Right,” your face burns, you round the desk towards the door, fuck, what if he thinks this is a huge mistake? What if he doesn’t— 

He grabs you by the wrist gently, smiling as he brushes past you, holding his office door open for you, “Your place or mine?” 

“You have to make our case, counselors, so what are you going to do about it?” Liv crossed her arms, looking between you and Rafael. 

“We need more evidence Liv, there’s no way around it,” you sigh, “we go in guns ablazing and odds are we don’t get it because a) he destroys it, or b) fruit of the poisonous tree. He’s smart and his lawyers are smart, we need this by the book.” 

“I agree, we need more — have you managed to get into contact with his ex-wife?”  

“Only many unreturned phone calls,” Amanda shakes her head, “I’ll try again, but she retired to Florida—” 

“Do one better, fly down there and talk to her,” Rafael replied, sliding the divorce proceedings across the table, “I think she may be the key to our case, and the warrants we need.” 

Rafael walks them to the elevator, chatting about the case, as you glance at the stacks of motions you needed to get through still. The door clicking shut behind him,  he slides next to you, as you slink down, sighing, “Thanks for backing me up on the case,” 

“Of course,” he replies, “we need more evidence — taking a half baked case against someone like Rita? It’s like begging to be ripped apart in front of an audience.” 

“Well, I know you dabble in masochism,” and he shot you a glare, his thigh pressed against your own, “How long do we have before you think we’ll have a case?” 

“A while — it will take them some time to get down to Florida and get something usable,” he flipped through more packets, before tossing them flippantly onto the coffee table, leaning back, his eyes flickering to the door, and he leans over, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips, “which gives us more time to ourselves.” 

“Rafael—” he swallowed your protests with a kiss, and it was enough for your worries to fall away — he was enough to make everything fall away for you, your eyes flickered to the door, “the door—” “I locked it,” the words reverberate against your skin, “I wouldn’t be so careless, counselor,” his use of your title sent a shiver down your spine, “now are you going to let me take you home?”  

It had been a few weeks of this — sneaking kisses in between work, stolen glances across rooms, small smiles that quickly melted away under another's look, and many nights spent in the other's arms — but still you didn't know what this was. 

"Let's go," you smiled, pressing a teasing kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

But you didn't care. 

As the two of you stepped into the elevator, his hand brushed yours, because you didn't want to lose it. 

"Yes sir, I understand. I'll be there," your eyes flicker up to see Rafael standing in the doorway, "okay goodbye." 

"Was that McCoy—" 

"Chewing me out for not attending yet another gala, unfortunately yes, and it looks like I'm being shanghaied into attending," you shake your head, groaning, "doesn't he have better things to do than force me to schmooze with the affluent and influential?" 

"So close to his re-election? No," he sits down, checking his phone, "he needs to have his best and brightest there, and that's why he wants us there." 

"'Us?'" the corner of his lip tilts upwards. 

"You're not the only one who got an irate phone call," he locks his phone, tucking it away, "we should both leave the office early so we can arrive on time," 

You check the time, cursing, "I have to get my outfit dry cleaned, but I have to write a motion—" 

"I can do it— my suit is ready and I told Liv I wouldn't pick her up until closer to the start—" 

You blink, your chest squeezing, "Liv?" 

He frowns, "Yeah I'm taking her tonight — as a favor — there's a case—" 

You waved him off, “You don’t have to explain, it’s fine,” you grab your coat and your bag, “I should go now and drop off my clothes—” 

He says your name, “You know I would want to go with you if we didn’t—” 

If you didn’t work together, if your hypocrite of a boss didn’t have a chip on his shoulder for workplace relationships— “I know,”  you reply, offering a small smile, if this was something more than what you knew it was— “I’ll see you tonight.” 

But it wasn’t. 

This was a nightmare. 

Truly. 

Forced to attend a gala alone with people you didn’t know very well, stuck in the corner by the bar, forced to watch the one person you wanted be with someone else. But you didn’t want to want him — you downed your drink, asking for a refill — the alcohol wasn’t the only thing bitter on your lips. 

“Glad to see you could make it, counselor,” Jack McCoy greeted you with a grin, offering you his hand in a firm handshake, “you look lovely.” 

“Well, my boss didn’t give me much of a choice,” you purse your lips, “something about my future at the District Attorney’s office and if I wished to have his support,” 

He chuckles, ordering his drink from the bartender (“a scotch, neat”), “I sense good things in your future. You have been a great addition to SVU — you challenge the detectives to bring better cases and you’re giving Barba a run for his money.” 

You spotted Rafael out of the corner of your eye, Liv on his arm, and you glanced away, sipping at your drink, tucking away your frustration behind a mask of boredom— “I suppose I am,” —albeit, maybe not fast enough. 

McCoy followed your gaze. He doesn’t say anything, instead offering his hand to you, “May I have this dance?” you raised an eyebrow, leaning against the bar. 

“You’re not trying to make me one of your famous work affairs, are you, Jack?” and he laughs, shaking his head, tilting his head. 

“I think I know better than that, counselor,” your eyes find Rafael again — dancing with Liv, quietly talking, and you take Jack’s hand. 

“I’d love to,” you follow him onto the dance floor, his hands resting respectfully above your waist just a new song began, “I should warn you I’m not the best dancer,” 

“Just follow my lead,” he assured you, a smile playing on his lips,  “and if you step on my feet, well I’ll have a good case for assault.” 

You rolled your eyes, before pursing your lips, “What’s this about, Jack?” 

“What do you mean?” it’s your turn to tilt your head, your arms resting on his shoulders, “I just wanted to say, I’ve been down that road before,” he spares a discreet glance at Rafael, “and it never ends well.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you keep your voice steady and confused, but Jack only raises an eyebrow, “There’s nothing going on—” 

“A whole of lot of nothing is what I’m worried about,” He kept the friendly smile, “I’ve done this enough times to know when nothing is actually nothing — and I know the look you had wasn’t nothing—” 

“Jack—” 

“I’m not speaking to you as your boss, for now,” his words were careful, a sharp edge of warning that slid harmlessly across your cheek, but you knew it wouldn’t again, “but I don’t want to see you hurt.” 

“I don’t want to either, but I know what I’m doing,” and Jack nods. 

“I know you do, and I’m not telling you how to live your life, but-- “ he shakes his head, “you deserve better than someone who hides you — take it from an old man who lost someone they loved when they were too busy hiding them.” 

You frown, “I—” and you felt a tap on your shoulder, Rafael standing between you two. 

“May I cut in?” he offers Jack a smile, who steps back. 

“Remember what I said, counselor,” Jack shakes Rafael’s hand, keeping his eyes on you,  “a bright future.” 

A slow waltz begins to play, and he grins at you, “Are you going to keep me waiting?” 

“What about Liv?” he jerks his head and you see her dancing with that attorney, Trevor Langan. 

“She’s busy, and she’s not the one I want to dance with,” and his smile falters, raising his eyebrows, “unless you don’t want to—” 

You deserve more, Jack’s words echo in your ears, and you wanted more — you wanted him, more than you wanted to admit — more than he wanted you to want him. 

“Of course I do,” you take his hand, a soft smile on his lips, his palm warm against your back, pulling you close. 

“You look so amazing,” he remarks, murmuring in your ear, his dulcet tones sending a shiver down your spine,  “I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” 

“Really?” his fingers tilt your chin up to meet his gaze. 

“Yes, because I couldn’t stop thinking about what I wanted to take off,” his voice liquid heat, and your breath stuttered in your chest — his hands on your body were no longer enough, “what do you do to me, mi amor?”

“I could say the same to you,” you mutter, as he tugs you a little closer, blurring the line between professional and personal, “Do you think it’s a good idea that we’re dancing this close?” 

“What do you mean?” and you look around, scanning for any sight of Jack. 

“Our jobs — people could talk,” and he just shrugs, emerald eyes shining, as his lips quirk upward, as he dips you, pulling you back up with ease — the same ease he did everything with — the same ease he always put you at. 

“Then let them.” 

And you bite your lip, a small smile on your lips. Maybe this was enough. You knew what you were doing. You glance at Jack, who now stands at the bar, his brow wrinkled. 

Right? 

“Rafael,” you can’t catch your breath with him, his lips insistent and plying, as he presses you into the soft cushions of the mattress, “we have motions in—” you gasp as he sucks your skin above your pulse, “an hour and half.” 

But really you didn’t care about the motions — you didn’t care about being late —- you wanted to talk to him, about you — about the both of you — but he didn’t want to talk. 

“That means we have at least half an hour,” his hands squeezed your hips, and your body responded in kind, head tilting back, exposing your neck for his lips, “that means I can do what i was planning to do more than once.” 

“You’re awfully confident,” you sigh, your fingers knotted in his soft hairs at the base of his neck, and he presses a kiss right between your collarbone, his lips smiling against you. 

“I have an impressive track record, no?” he grins, “I don’t recall you complaining last night,” you rolled your eyes, tugging him higher, so his hair brushed your forehead. 

“You do, so much so that,” and you wonder if he can feel your heart pounding against your chest, “I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

He raises an eyebrow, pressing a kiss to your lips, “What about?” 

“What are we doing, Raf?” the words leave your mouth in a whisper — a single, gentle step onto a frozen lake, waiting for the ice to give way beneath you, “what is this to you?” 

He hesitates — the first crack resonates through the still morning, “I don’t know, what is it to you? What do you want?” 

I want more than just this, I want to be able to take you to galas, to kiss you outside of dark corners and corner booths— “I don’t know either—” 

“Then let’s not waste time by defining it,” his hand cups your cheek — the cracks splintered under your feet, the water erupting from the fissures, “Mi amor, I’ve had relationships before, I’ve seen them fall apart, I’ve watched people who love each other hurt each other, over and over again. I don’t want to do that to you,” he sighs, “I don’t want to lose you.” 

“I don’t want to either, but don’t you want more than this?” He holds your face in his hands, his thumbs brushing the length of your cheeks. 

“I just need you — no more, no less than just this,” Rafael presses a kiss to your palm, “can we keep it this way for a little longer?” 

You deserve more. You want more. You need more. 

He says your name again, and you offer a small smile, as you sink beneath the emerald colored water of his eyes. 

“Of course, Raf.” 

There’s a knock at your office, and you glance over at the call of your name, “Hey, I’m from SVU, I’m looking for Barba,” his lanky figure is standing in your doorframe, his dirty blond hair slicked back, “I’m here to pick up a—” 

“A warrant?” you nod, rifling through your files, “I got it right here for you, Detective…?” 

He offers a hand, “Dominick Carisi, but you can call me Sonny,” you shake his outstretched hand, “You’re Barba’s number two, right? I heard about you from the squad.” 

“Not how I’d like to be remembered, but essentially yes,” you shrug, before handing him the warrant, “just make sure to keep your search restricted to the places in that warrant and catalog everything properly— we don’t need to need to deal any issues—” 

“Chain of custody, yeah I know. I’m actually in law school right now,” he adds, “Fordham.” 

“That’s a great school,” you raise your eyebrows, “I’m sure it’s tough balancing it with your work as a detective — I barely survived my first year and that was without a full time job.”

“Well, what can I say, I’m determined,” he nods, holding up the warrant, “it was nice meeting you, counselor.” 

“You too, Detective Carisi—” 

“I told ya, call me Sonny,” he smiles from the doorway, and you chuckle, a warm smile blooming on your face. 

“Only if you call me by my name too, Sonny.”

[secretmellowblog]

Bishop Myriel sucks sometimes: a callout post (I have RECEIPTS)

Heretical Hot Take: bishop myriel is not perfect and actually kinda sucks sometimes.

Yes, Myriel lies to cops and swindles rich people in order to give to the poor, which are objectively good things to do! And we love him for it!

But Myriel’s major character flaw is that while he acknowledges the way society works is bad ....he’s afraid to make the leap to “so we need to change society.”

For example: Myriel makes a big deal about how he doesn’t want anyone to worship him just because he’s a bishop; he thinks bishops should be humble; he doesn’t think bishops should be put above everyone else and called by fancy titles like Monseigneur.

But when Myriel goes to visit the Conventionist from the French Revolution-- someone he deliberately avoided because he was afraid of his politics-- he gets VERY uncomfortable when the man doesn’t treat him with the “proper respect”’and call him “Monseigneur.”

(Myriel), who on occasion, was so fond of laughing at “His Grace,” was rather shocked at not being addressed as Monseigneur, and he was almost tempted to retort “citizen.”

Myriel’s  all “uwu I’m just like one of you poors” until someone’s casually like “yes, you are, and I’m not going to give you a Prize for saying what should be a commonly accepted fact.The system that arbitrarily gave you so much power is unfair and it should be dismantled.” Then Myriel’s suddenly like “wait no. >:(”

The moment where Myriel gets upset when the Conventionist doesn’t call him monseigneur reminds me of Marius getting upset when Javert doesn’t call him monsieur:

“No more than yourself!” retorted Marius rudely. He had begun to notice that this police agent had not yet said “monsieur” to him.

Both the Bishop and Marius were wealthy people whose families were on the losing side of a revolution/war. They both came into a bunch of money-- Myriel’s bishop salary, Marius’s monetary stability with Gillenormand-- but both decided to give that money up for the sake of their ideals. They feel sorry for poor people and often give money to help them. They don’t think they’re bigoted. But when someone they see as beneath them doesn’t treat them with the “proper” respect........they get uncomfortable!

also side note:  I wonder if Marius is going to eventually end up the kind of person Myriel became?

To be fair, Myriel’s anxiety around the idea of political change is partially due to his Tragic Backstory. He was from a wealthy family whose members were killed off during the French Revolution.

And the entire point of Myriel’s long conversation with the Conventionist is that he does ultimately realize that Maybe Revolution is Good Actually! Myriel is far better at confronting his own biases than Marius!

However...

I think the moment that shows Myriel’s limitations the best is the way he treats a criminal who’s about to be executed.

Myriel loathes the death penalty. He doesn’t believe the condemned man deserves to die. So he takes care of the condemned man, prays with him, is kind to him, literally walks with him to the scaffold and offers him comfort until the moment of his execution, and does literally everything he is allowed to do to make the man’s last hours more peaceful.

But he’s not able to stop the condemned man from being killed.

The moment that struck me the most while rereading these chapters was the one that comes right after that:

The guillotine is the concretion of the law (....) it is not neutral, and it does not permit you to remain neutral.

(....)

The Bishop appeared to be crushed. The almost violent serenity of the funereal moment had disappeared; the phantom of social justice tormented him. He, who generally returned from all his deeds with a radiant satisfaction, seemed to be reproaching himself. At times he talked to himself, and stammered lugubrious monologues in a low voice. This is one which his sister overheard one evening and preserved: “I did not think that it was so monstrous. It is wrong to become absorbed in the divine law to such a degree as not to perceive human law.....”

Lawful neutral doesn’t exist! When the law is killing people, you can’t remain “neutral” to it. You have to decide whether you’re okay with the laws or whether you want them to change.

I don’t think Myriel is neutral. But everything Myriel does is just....mitigating damage, not stopping the damage from happening in the first place. And he realizes that, he realizes how limited he is in what he can do, and reproaches himself for it.

Myriel helps a man who’s condemned death, and that kindness matters. But the man is still executed anyway.

Myriel lies/manipulates stingy rich people into giving him money so he can give it to charity, and gives so much of his own money away to charity, and that kindness matters. But no matter how many individual people he helps, the larger system that causes poverty remains intact.

Myriel lies to cops in order to save Valjean, and that kindness matters. But it also doesn’t stop Valjean from being hounded by the police for the rest of his life.

Idk I feel like the point is that....In a perfect world, Myriel’s brand of kindness wouldn’t be necessary. If the death penalty was gone, he wouldn’t have to desperately try to comfort someone on their way to the scaffold. If wealth was distributed more equally, he wouldn’t have to beg and manipulate stingy rich people into donating to the poor. If police were abolished, he wouldn’t have to lie to defend the vulnerable people they target.

I don’t know how coherent this is, but the feeling I get is that....Myriel’s kindness is important, but very limited in its ability to cause actual social change, and Myriel himself is aware of that.

[hopeisour4letteredword]

with friends like these

Summary: Apollo gets his wisdom teeth out, and Clay babysits.

Link to AO3 in the notes.

"Apollo, buddy. Buddy. You gotta lie back down."

Apollo blinks owlishly at Clay, swaying in place in the middle of the kitchen. God, Clay would feel better if he at least had the sense to lean against the counter. "But I want coffee."

"No coffee for you," Clay says, forcing himself to be stern despite the dreading anticipation of the way Apollo's expression falls, comically sad. AJ always looks younger than he is, as a big brave twenty-year-old, but the sad little pout while he's out of his mind on painkillers, cheeks swollen from surgery? He looks like he's twelve. Adorable. Clay feels bad for him, he really does—he got his own wisdom teeth out last year and he remembers how much it sucked—but the little baby pout just makes him want to smile. "You'll wind yourself up something good, sunshine."

"It's not that much caffeine," Apollo tries to say, even as he lets Clay catch him by the arm and pull him, stumbling, out of the kitchenette. "An' it would make me feel more awake."

"You don't need to feel more awake, you need to rest."

"But I've got stuff to do," Apollo says, mournfully. Clay manages to wrangle him back over to the couch and nudge him back down onto the cushions. Apollo makes doe eyes up at him while Clay grabs the nearest blanket to wrap around his shoulders. "I gotta work on my readings—"

"It's winter break, you don't have readings."

"But next semester."

"You don't have any advance readings yet. You checked and told me so before the surgery."

"I have to stay ahead," Apollo says. His eyelids droop. "I gotta be good at my classes so I can be a good lawyer."

"You're gonna be a great lawyer. But you aren't a lawyer yet, and you don't have any classes right now, so just take it easy, okay?"

Apollo opens his eyes again to peer back up at Clay. "My mouth hurts."

"I know. Sorry, buddy. Not time for more painkillers yet. You want me to grab you the ice pack again? Get the rest of your shake?"

Apollo nods, still looking glum. Clay dutifully returns to the kitchen to retrieve an ice pack from the freezer, which he wraps in a kitchen towel, and the rest of Apollo's post-surgery chocolate shake out of the fridge. When he gets back out to the living room, Apollo has toppled over to be horizontal on the couch. Clay puts the necessities down on the coffee table and scoops Apollo's legs up onto the couch so he isn't twisted all funny. The last thing the poor thing needs is unnecessary strain making him uncomfortable. He ruffles Apollo's hair. Apollo leans into the touch. Aww.

"Anything else I can grab you?"

"Can you sit with me? I wanna watch you play games."

"Aw, sure. What do you wanna watch?"

"I dunno. Anything's fine."

"Let's play some Odyssey, then. I'll go grab the Switch."

Apollo brightens, just like Clay thought he would. He always did like playing on Clay's Switch when they were kids. Even for Clay, it's hard not to be transported back to sleepovers, hushed giggles as they tried not to tip Clay's dad off that they were staying up late while they played games under the covers, whenever he picks it back up to replay something. He knows the memories are even more precious to Apollo, who spent so much of his adolescence struggling through foster system bullshit.

"Yeah!"

"Okay, sit tight."

When Clay comes back, Apollo has propped himself up enough to try to drink more of his shake. It dribbles out of his mouth.

"Oh, man. You got a little, uh—"

Apollo looks frustrated. "Did I miss again? I still can't feel my lower lip."

"Yeah, no, it's, um—you're fine, just let me—" Clay grabs a tissue off the box on the coffee table and wipes Apollo's face. "There you go."

"Thanks," Apollo says. He smiles, wobbly but true. "You're the best."

"No problem, sunshine," Clay says, smiling. He moves around the room, getting the Switch hooked up to the port so it will show up on the TV, before he lifts Apollo's upper body out of the way so he can slide onto the couch with him. Apollo's head ends up propped on his thigh. He helps Apollo adjust himself so there's no pressure on his cheeks, and he can easily hold the ice packs in place while seeing the screen. "Here we go."

"Let's-a go," Apollo says, in a terrible Mario impression. Clay barks out a laugh and starts the game.

"Goofball."

They don't get very far into the game before Clay is pretty sure Apollo starts to doze beside him. His breathing evens out and his weight goes limp. That's fine. He's warm and cozy, and Clay likes being someone he feels comfortable enough with to sleep around. If this is helping him feel a little better while he's in pain, Clay's satisfied. It's not like it's a hardship to sit here and play video games and be his pillow.

But the fact that he thinks Apollo's mostly asleep does mean Clay almost gets the shit scared out of him when Apollo says, suddenly, "Clay."

"Jesus!" Clay fumbles a jump and Mario goes plummeting to his doom. Oops.

"Yes, hello, hi. I thought you were napping, buddy. What's up?"

"You know you're my best friend, right?"

"Yeah? Of course."

"You know?" Apollo rolls so he's mostly on his back, looking up at Clay with big, sad doe eyes again. Clay stares back down at him, befuddled. Of course he knows. "Cause I—I know I'm kinda bitchy sometimes—"

"Aw, Apollo—"

"An' I can't help you with your smart science stuff a lot—"

"That's not—"

"An' I get really anxious and you have to babysit me sometimes an' I yell at you for it—"

"Apollo—"

"But you're really important to me and it would suck if you didn't know just 'cause I'm stupid."

"You aren't stupid," Clay says. He ruffles Apollo's hair again. Apollo's eyes slide closed, lips tugging back into the miserable little pout. "I know I'm your best friend. You're plenty nice to me. Just 'cause you're a little prickly when you're stressed doesn't mean you don't make it obvious that you care about people."

Apollo sniffles. Oh, no. Case in point, though.

"And you don't have to worry about not helping me with science stuff," Clay adds. "I know I'm not that helpful with your law stuff, either. You're way better at helping me review than I am at helping you review."

At least that makes Apollo smile a little. "Jus' easier to read formulas off notecards than legal definitions."

"You can say that again." Clay will take astrophysics over civil law any day. "Besides, you're the best hype-man I could hope for. Who else is gonna get me super pumped to go to space even though it scares the piss out of you?"

"It's so high up," Apollo whines, making Clay cackle. He never thinks about fear of heights as an issue with spaceflight until Apollo mentions it. "An' there's the whole vacuum and no air and you're just going in a tin can—"

"Don't talk about my girl Hattie like that, she's perfect."

"An' even Mr. Starbuck is nervous about it."

"And you help Sol get psyched for it too," Clay says. He pats Apollo gently on the shoulder. "Which is exactly what I'm talking about."

Apollo sighs.

"I know we're best friends, sunshine," Clay adds, more gently. "Come on. You think I would agree to live with you if I didn't know you liked me? I bet you could pull some real passive-aggressive roommate pranks if you wanted to."

Apollo huffs out a tiny laugh. "Maybe."

"There we go. We're fine, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Say it with me. We're fine."

"We're fine."

"You're Apollo Justice and you're fine."

"I'm fine!"

"That's my boy." Mario has fallen asleep standing up on-screen. Clay is considering whether or not he should keep playing or encourage Apollo to go take a real nap when Apollo shifts beside him. Clay lifts his arms out of the way on instinct, holding the controller aloft, when Apollo braces himself on shaky arms to turn and crawl the rest of the way over to plop himself down in Clay's lap. "Wh-oa, buddy. Hi there. You want cuddles?"

"Yeah," Apollo mumbles. He drops his head onto Clay's shoulder. Clay carefully shifts his weight and settles down against the back of the couch, letting it take both of their weight. He doesn't think of Apollo as a big guy, because he's not, but geez. A whole adult human does kind of weigh a lot. Good thing Clay's been beefing up for his training. "Are you at the moon yet?"

"Nope. Only at the gardens. It hasn't been that long."

"You're gonna get to the moon someday," Apollo says, with loopy certainty. Clay almost bites down on a grin before he remembers that Apollo can't see him anymore and he can smile as much as he wants, safe from scrutiny. "You're gonna be a kickass astronaut."

"Aw, thanks, bud."

"You're really smart. And good at solving problems."

"Flatterer," Clay says, grin spreading wider. God, he wishes he'd thought to grab his phone and start recording this. Yeah, he does know he's Apollo's best friend and Apollo loves him and all that, but he sure as hell doesn't get this mushy often. It's really cute.

"You deserve it. You're the best friend in the world, Clay," Apollo declares, and promptly passes out on Clay's shoulder.

---

"Anyway," Clay finishes. He knocks back the rest of his mocha. "That's what AJ was like when he got his wisdom teeth out, so like I said. Don't be too embarrassed about it."

Klavier is laughing so hard he's almost crying, a hand slapped over his mouth to muffle the sound of it. Apollo's in the kitchen right now, cooking the three of them brunch. Hopefully the sizzle of frying eggs and sausage covers the sound of Clay's indiscretions out in the living room. Clay's dead meat if it doesn't.

"He never mentioned," Klavier manages to get out, when he finally gets himself under control. "How cute."

"It was pretty great," Clay says, fondly. "But please don't tell him I told you about that. I don't want to die before I make it to the moon, and he will actually kill me for realsies."

"Your secret is safe with me." Klavier props his chin on his hand, grinning. "Has he ever gotten quite so affectionate other times?"

"If he's drunk enough, yeah."

"I'll have to keep it in mind, then."

"S'why I told you," Clay says. He considers the sly, affectionate curl of Klavier's smile for a second before he adds, "But don't bully him too hard afterwards, or you will lose drunk Apollo privileges. Only moderate mortification allowed."

"Would he be taking the privileges away or would you?"

Clay lets his own smile go sharper. He likes Klavier just fine, and he doesn't really believe he'd be that mean to Apollo, but... well, Apollo's Clay's best friend, too. He has obligations if Apollo's boyfriend is an asshole to him. "Fuck around and find out."

"Fair enough, Herr Astronaut," Klavier says. There's a clatter of plates in the kitchen as the sizzling dies down.

"Food's ready!" Apollo hollers. Clay casts Klavier a glance; Klavier mimes zipping his lips, winking. They both push away from the table to wander into the kitchen. Apollo bustles around fixing a plate of food, a pile of hashbrowns and sausage and eggs. Klavier creeps up behind him and puts his hands over Apollo's hips. Apollo startles, almost knocking him away. His cheeks go pink.

"What do you think you're doing? Clay's literally right there."

"Don't mind me," Clay says, cheerfully. He loves having ammunition to give Apollo hell over later.

"I think he already has an inkling that we're dating, Liebling," Klavier murmurs. He leans down to kiss the top of Apollo's head. Apollo gently elbows him in the gut, pushing Klavier away as his cheeks go even redder.

"Yeah, and he's already insufferable enough about it without you hanging off me in front of him. Come on, back off."

Klavier obligingly steps back. He and Clay begin to fix their own plates. Hovering nearby, Apollo asks, suspiciously, "What were you two gossiping about out there, anyway?"

"Oh, nothing," Clay says. He smiles sweetly when Apollo narrows his eyes at him. "By the way, AJ?"

"What?"

"You're the best friend in the world."

[comicteaparty]

May 2nd-May 8th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from May 2nd, 2020 to May 8th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What are some of the weirdest things you've Googled while researching for your story?

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

For Whispers of the Past, the weirdest thing I googled was probably: "puncture wounds versus lacerations" and "chance of survival after getting stabbed." Pretty sure I also looked up: "treatment for arsenic poisoning," "lethal dose of arsenic," "arsenic in nature," "broken ribs symptoms and treatments," "pneumothorax," "can a horse kill someone by trampling them?" and "how far can you fall without dying?" Basically, just a bunch of medical questions. For another story, I think the weirdest thing I looked up was, "can you take antidepressants and sleeping pills together?" More medical questions

carcarchu

@ cronaj's answer "i swear i'm an author not a serial killer"

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Hmmm.

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I think for me was searching up symptoms of PTSD, eating disorders, and also victims of cheating

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Probably that time trying to research poisonous substances available in Victorian and earlier households with potentially fatal results if ingested but not immediate, and their symptoms/treatments

The answer, incidentally, is that most of them aren't treatable if you've had a high enough dose to get symptoms.

And non-lethal doses tend to have unpleasant long term effects

Deo101 [Millennium]

I don't remember all the crazy stuff I've looked up. What's popping into my head at the moment, though, is I did almost a month of research into time travel paradoxes for a plot that I ended up not using! So that's fun

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Also that Victorians kept arsenic (a white powder) in the same place as sugar (a white powder) in often unmarked containers since literacy was low and labels only work if you can read them

There was far more accidental poisonings from putting arsenic in your tea than I can count

carcarchu

what about having a picture of a skull and cross bones on the arsenic tin

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I think it was arsenic. Maybe cynanide...

Ahaha

You'd think so wouldn't you?

That's not even going into the whole thing about green dyes for clothing being made from arsenic as well I think and being uh

Literally fatal to wear?

Well done, Victorians.

Let me grab y'all a source for that one

https://youtu.be/K2McemVuG28

Here you go!

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Oh my god what the

Them victorians are so morbid

Did you know that they have a garden of poison

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Welcome to writing historical!

Yes I did

I wanna go

But yeah go back a century or two

Literally everything seems to be poisonous

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Arsenic, radium......damn they don’t follow WHMIS

carcarchu

wasn't even that long ago when they were putting mercury in everything

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Including NORMAL FOOD

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

And toys

Kids were playing with them

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Oh the Bradford Sweets Poisoning was a whole thing!

Hang on

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1858_Bradford_sweets_poisoning

This one is uh

Definitely worse

carcarchu

bruh

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Yeah

There's so much of this...

It's amazing humanity made it this far

So yeah that's what I've googled

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Would that...even fly here nowadays

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

What the arsenic

Nooope

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Hooooo god that is mildly terrifying

Like I make sweets for a living

I don’t even want to think how I’ll feel if I accidentally poisoned 200 people

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

It did lead to modern food hygiene laws and much better regulations on chemists being responsible for their supplies

But yep

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I remember someone telling me “Behind every rule/regulation was someone who got hurt or died”

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Yeahhhh

Sometimes also where there aren't rules because hahaha some companies are shit

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yeah it’s sucks and it’s even worse because you KNOW they’re just pushing the limits

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Capitalism has always been like that, it's just people can see it a bit more now

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yeah, the age of information has really exposed the nasty side of things huh Hmmm I think I’ve studied something really different for my webcomic. I was looking into the justice system and how it treated minors

And I had to look up burn victims/homicides soooooooooooo

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

Whoops sorry for the ping, I thought you said mirrors not minors and was gonna ask

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Oh god that would be....completely different

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I'm writing about vampires, mirrors are more common (concept and word)..

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Yes! I think it’s because back in the day silver was used in mirrors and that’s why you can’t see a vampire’s reflection

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

weirdest thing I searched so far is about er the male modeling industry and how they have to slap cheeks and junks to get the body to fill in clothing

and I wondered "do I need to do a deep dive in this or"

Nutty (Court of Roses)

I tried to look up what damaged vocal cords looked like, so i could show it when Count Bailey got poisoned, but I mostly got body camera shots inside a person's throat, so I had to largely wing it by darkening the veins in his neck lol Other than that, I have to look up Irish slang a lot, as Merlow slips into it more when he gets drunk.

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I have a twittee thread somewhere about mirrors and vampires

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Okay tuyetnhi I’m a bit more...disturbed yet intrigued by that idea. Nutty yes I noticed that! I liked that small detail actually And Eilidh, i would love to see that twitter thread

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Yeah, I ended up making a deep dive and ho boi

it's darker than I expected LOL

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I tried to look up people getting crushed by cars or falling objects but the videos were very blurry and made me dizzy so I just went fuck it my comic's not realistic anyways I'm winging it

FeatherNotes(Krispy)

Probably an extensive search for all things occult? Its such a wide topic so it was daunting to sift through everything, but also really cool to see so many different cultures have been influenced by such things! Ive read some excerpts about the sixth sense and human capabilities too, very interesting!

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

@Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!) That is the most splendidly weird research I have heard of

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I was trying to research for one of my characters and i'm just

the things they do

I scream everyday

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

lol tuyetnhi got me to look it up but all I can find is stuff about sexual assault

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

that's what I mean

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

OH

:(

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Whoa okay

That’s really dark

Like I had to look up abuse relations

DanitheCarutor

Oh geez, I've looked up a lot of stuff. Recently I Googled public bathrooms and backs of toilets because I'm too lazy to get up and look at my own toilet. SAECKs/SAKs, the price with and without insurance, how it works and if men can use them. (Which was kinda sad that I didn't know they could although the resource was surprisingly hard to find, all except one link I found were about women using them.) I've looked up medical stuff like the different stages of certain cancers, their symptoms, treatments and other things involves like their effect on the person's mental health, if things like physical therapy is needed and the effects of the treatment along with the types of treatment needed. Also the cost with and without insurance, as well as cancer treatment facilities for people with low income. Various mental illnesses/disorders, the different types treatment, the effects of the treatment, as well as cost and facilities that offer free/cheaper treatment for people with low income. Lactose intolerance, celiac disease, gaslighting, trauma brought on by abuse. Things like the mental effects of children taking on adult responsibilities early on, growing up with lack of stability and human trafficking. Types of physical abuse that doesn't leave obvious bruising/scarring, psychological abuse (outside of gaslighting). Court stuff, like legal charges for attempted murder, court procedures. Caregiver programs for family members caring for someone with a severe mental illness. What actions are taken when someone files a charge for being drugged against their consent and the steps that need to be taken if your ID and credit cards/debit cards have been stolen, as well as what the police need do in those situations. Gosh, I can go on and on, just go on forever about all the things I've researched.

Most of it is medical and mental health related.

I feel this is fitting for some of the subjects we've Googled.

DanitheCarutor

Wow, I didn't realize how much I looked at the cost of stuff. Like a good chunk of my research has been dedicated to what different insurances cover, how much, the base price without insurance and payment plans for people in the latter category. I guess the upside is I'll have some knowledge on the different insurance companies if I ever get to a point where I can get it, as well as payment plan options if I'm ever hospitalized.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Googling images of cadaver hands for reference was... not a pleasant experience

mariah (rainy day dreams)

Most recently I was looking for heart dissections. I had to take a break cuz I was making myself feel sick X')

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

Searching up burn victims was not fun either

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

also this has made me realize that artists can be a very morbid bunch

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yeah like dang ya'll lmao

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I know someone who had to look up (a bit gory) "can you strangle/hang someone with your intestines"

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Chances are the audience is not gonna know either so

dunno how much accuracy matters in this situation :p(edited)

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

I mean....unfortunately I know what it's like to see a drowned corpse So if it's accurate....I would...strangely appreciate it more?

Like you never know your audience

DanitheCarutor

When I was first starting to dabble in comics I was attempting this dark fantasy/mythology-ish story that would have some gore. I looked up stuff like "skull being crushed", "what does 'x' limb look like when being ripped off", "what does a corpse look like after sitting for 'x' many days". Most of my searched led me to the Best Gore site, which is totally recommended if you need references for your gory horror comic, but is NOT a site for the faint of heart. You will most likely get sick from the content... and the comment section.

Oddly enough, when I used to do the occasional stand alone gore-ish illustration I'd get 1-2 comments with people being grateful for the accuracy. It's... interesting that they would know what would and wouldn't be accurate with stuff like that.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Oh, I looked up burn victims before.... Yeah, I've looked up a lot of weird stuff.

chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]

I had to look up fresh and healed burnscar myself for a comic, a character survivived a housefire.

Most of the time I am googling history actually - and mostly tech-levels of a given time and what was contemporary with what - guns and knights for example co-existed for quite a few decades, that kind of stuff.

Deo101 [Millennium]

Y'know I'm thinking about it more, and I'm realizing why I can't recall the weird stuff I've looked up. I usually ask people for information! I know a lot of different kinds of people who are more than happy to talk about their experiences, so I can ask them for first hand experience with a lot of situations where I then don't really need to look up much other than to maybe fill some holes I have. It's a different kind of research

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Huh, the weirdest thing I’ve googled? Well, there’s the ever-uncomfortable ‘Googling certain body types for reference but probably looking like a creep to anyone who looks at my search history’. I’ve also googled very oddly specific things like ‘What is a 5-cube called?’ (It’s a pentaract). I’ve also watched videos that demonstrate how a bump key works, and to my FBI agent, I swear it was only for my comic. My search history gets pretty eclectic. I look up a lot of religious lore, and do lot of research into medieval times - mostly about the daily life of the average peasant. Also things like quantum physics, customs in other countries, and animal facts.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Just realizing that I once researched "medieval brewing." That was an interesting train of information.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

For a lot of gruesome or dangerous scenes, I try to aim the search toward movies and TV screencaps. Like, if you need to draw a crashing car, find a series with a dramatic car chase where they slammed a stunt car into a wall in high-def slow-mo.

kayotics

I think the weirdest thing I looked up was trying to figure out the answer to the question “is the gas released by decomposing bodies flammable? And if so how much gas do you need?”

eli [a winged tale]

now I’m curious what’s the answer

kayotics

The answer ended up being that if there was enough gas being created it was probably not enough to be flammable: aka it would not light up the room.

I ended up asking a friend who knows more about decomposition to figure out the answer, but I just wanted to make sure if a character brought a torch into a musty murder basement, it wouldn’t light them up like a Christmas tree

Mostly: it gets smelly and stale

eli [a winged tale]

Good to know!

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Hmm I think the wierd thing I looked up was whether Smile Therapy was a real practice? There are Photos too and I have a feeling it was real. Another thing I look up was; How would a real lady pirate dress in historical times? I did alot of extra research for some little visual hints.(edited)

I feel like Mob psycho nailed the creepiness of Smile Therapy because they were patients forced to pretend to smile, that's what I envision each time. That ep stayed with me(edited)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

oh my god

Miranda

What is that picture from?? it's creepy haha(edited)

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

mob psycho 100

shadowhood (SunnyxRain)

smile therapy is terrifying. Imagine getting punished if you didn't smile

in the end you'll be smiling as a conditioned reaction to fear, not because it's genuine

Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]

Yes exactly, the original one was hard to record so the Google was ambiguous about its existence but there's photo proof that it was a thing

[laurens-lil-fics]

Hallucinate - Matt Murdock x Powered! Reader Part 4

Series Summary: When members of a criminal organization start flooding precincts all over New York, turning themselves in, Daredevil must investigate to see what new player has them running for the hills.

Chapter Summary: A couple days of radio silence makes Matt worry his new partner may do something rash. His solution? A sushi dinner downtown. But an uninvited guest could turn the whole night around.

Word Count: 2597

Warnings: Major angst, cursing, kidnapping

Author’s note: I thought this chapter would be hella short but it is, in fact, hella long. Dont worry, yall will get some answers soon. 

The third time was, in fact, not the charm. Neither was the fifth, or the seventh.

By the eighth call, (Y/n) finally answered, mumbling a simple command to leave her alone before hanging up.

Matt sighed deeply, repressing the urge to throw the burner phone out the window and start scouring the city for her heart beat.

It had been two days since the incident at the docks. She had refused to let him try to get her to ‘her place,’ insisting she didn’t trust him with that information.

When he tried convincing her to let him treat her wound she only pushed him away, eventually using what little energy she had left to fly off and leave him in the shipping container where they had taken refuge.

Both Daredevil and Matt Murdock hadn’t heard from (Y/n), which understandably put him on edge. 

Karen insisted it was because he had taken the charade too far and let himself get close to her.

He insisted it was because someone powerful enough to rip a yacht in half was on the loose in Hell’s Kitchen, unsupervised and seething. 

She had the addresses of the warehouses Mr. Mackie tipped Matt off to, she could have easily gone on her own to find Blum and kill him. Shit, he was probably dead already.

Groaning to himself, Matt ran his fingers over the case file he was supposed to be reading for a fourth time. He was too distracted to focus on anything that didn’t have to do with (Y/n) or Blum or anyone else involved with the two of them.

By the time he had forced himself to finish the case file, it was already noon.

He reached for his personal phone this time, deciding a call from Matt Murdock was the better approach. On the third ring she answered.

“Hello...?” Her voice was raspy, worn, like she had been crying or screaming, maybe a mixture of both.

“Hey stranger...” he smiled to himself, hearing her chuckle over the line, “haven’t heard from you in a while... everything okay?”

He could’ve sworn he heard her mumble something about him being mindreader before she responded. “Yeah... I’ve just had a lot on my mind and I haven’t felt like talking to anyone...”

“Well if it’ll help, I’m free tonight... Maybe venting about it will help you feel better?” He offered, his fingers tapping anxiously against his desk as he awaited her response.

“I dunno...” she sighed, “It’s a lot... and I don’t wanna bore you with the details. I’m not one to dump my problems onto other people.”

That would explain her reluctance to work with him.

“It’s not ‘dumping your problems’ if I’m offering to let you vent to me... plus as a lawyer, any and all ability to get bored was beaten out of me at law school.”

(Y/n) chuckled again, then the line went quiet. Matt didn’t break the silence, hoping she was taking that time to consider his offer.

“Where did you wanna meet...?”

Matt smiled softly, leaning back into his chair. “Theres this sushi place downtown, it’s small but the foods good... you eat sushi?”

“When it’s in my budget, yeah.” she responded.

Matt assured her he would cover it, though it took some convincing on her part to allow it. Once he gave her the address, he hung up. Now he just had to come up with a line of questioning that would be the most inconspicuous. 

Matt arrived just a couple minutes before (Y/n), worried if he showed up late even by a minute it would rub her the wrong way.

Why was he so worried? He told himself she’d open up to him more if she was in a good mood; that she’d be less likely to kill someone if he put her in a good head space.

From his moist palms he knew he was lying to himself.

He heard her walking up the block towards the restaurant, but still acted surprised when she lightly bumped him before telling him hello.

He could hear the fabric of a skirt brushing over her knees, the light click of her kitten heels, and he could smell just a hint of sweet perfume lingering on her skin.

“It’s a little more casual than I expected...” she trailed off, leaning a bit more into Matt as they entered the restaurant. 

“I’m sure you look beautiful... no one’s really going to mind if you come in a bit overdressed.” he assured her. He realized he had called her beautiful once he felt the heat rise to her cheeks. Matt Murdock sucked at playing it cool.

The two sat down in the corner of the restaurant, neither really knowing how to start the conversation once they had ordered their drinks.

“Okay... then I’ll start...” Matt cleared his throat, leaning in closer to her, “I haven’t known you very long... but you’re very sweet... I enjoy spending time with you. I just want to do what I can to make sure you’re alright... and I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on with you...”

The waitress interrupted them, bringing them their drinks and jotting down their orders, (Y/n)’s heart hammering in her chest the whole time.

Once she had left, (Y/n) sighed softly began fiddling with the wrapper from her straw.

“You know how I told you I went to school for photo journalism?” the nod from Matt prompted her to continue. “I never graduated... When I was working on my degree one of my professors told me I’d have to go out and take pictures for a big story if I wanted a real job... so I did...”

Matt cocked an eyebrow at this, “And what did you find?” he pressed.

“Nothing good...” She mumbled, glancing around the room, “I found out this company that had branched into the city my college was in... it was doing a lot of really shady stuff... But once they found out what I had they made my life hell.”

She stopped there, why she refused to say more, Matt didn’t know.

“And that made it harder for you to attend classes?”

(Y/n) hummed in agreement, her voice wavering for a moment.

“Part of me knows I did the right think trying to find the truth... but I also know if I hadn’t seen what I did my life would be so much easier... I wanna go back to school, I wanna finish my degree, but no one will hire me without it and I can’t pay for school without money... I ruined my own life...”

“That’s not true... Hey, it’s not true.” He reached forward, searching for her hand for a moment before gently holding it in his. 

“You did what you thought was right... you didn’t make that company do whatever it is they did, you didn’t force their hands. You only tried to expose it so people wouldn’t get hurt.”

(Y/n) was silent, save for a couple soft sniffles here and there. Matt could tell she was trying to fight back tears, had he known this was under the hard exterior he had seen during his nights with her as Daredevil, he would have opted to talk with her somewhere more private.

“You’re a lawyer... What do you do when the bad people don’t get what they deserve...? What do you do when you know they’ve hurt people, that they deserve to be punished, but they just... they’re not?”

Matt would be a hypocrite to tell her it was best to turn the other cheek. Shit, he spent his nights in a devil costume beating up people who got away with whatever crimes they had committed. People who the justice system just couldn’t stop.

But he also couldn’t tell her to keep fighting them, that could set something off inside her head, something that would give her that good old Frank Castle mentality.

“I may not look it, but I’m a praying man... sometimes you just have to pray that someone else will step in and give those people what they deserve.” That was a happy middle, right...?

(Y/n) slowly pulled her hand away, the sound of her wiping at her eyes not lost on him. “Sometimes prayers aren’t enough...”

Matt shrugged his shoulders, a soft sigh escaping his parted lips. “You’re right... but it’s still important to have hope... otherwise what they did to you will eat you up for the rest of your life and you’ll never move on.”

She seemed to be pondering what he said, all while refusing to look at him. All that pain, all that anger, Matt knew as well as anyone it wouldn’t go away in one night. But maybe this was a step in the right direction.

This time, she reached over, taking hold of his and giving it a gentle squeeze. She murmured a small thank you, to which Matt returned the intimate gesture and brushed his thumb over her knuckles.

The two frantically adjusted themselves once their food arrived, Matt was a bit ashamed that he had lost him composure the way he did.

The conversation became more lighthearted as the meal progressed, a great weight having been lifted off the two of them once they finally addressed the elephant in the room, or at least the elephant that only Matt seemed to be aware about.

This whole time Matt had been trying to figure out why (Y/n) had been after this Blum character, trying to find a way to ease her out of feeling like she had to kill him. Now he had a vague sense of what had happened, and was comfortable knowing his words had some sort of impact on her.

“So you really took Greek to impress a girl...? Guys really do that?”

Matt laughed and scratched at the back of his head, feeling bashful at the mention of Elektra and the lengths he had gone to so he could win her over.

“Yes, guys do that, Ms. (L/n). You’d be surprised just how many guys do, I bet you dated a guy back in the day who did the same thing.”

(Y/n) snorted at his assumption and washed down her last bite of fish with a gulp of her water. “God, now that you mention it I actually-”

“(L/n)? (Y/n) (L/n)?”

A voice from across the room caught their attention, and curiously sent (Y/n)’s heart beat skyrocketing. Matt didn’t have a good feeling about this.

“Little (Y/n)!” The person exclaimed with glee. He approached (Y/n), something Matt imagined would have had her up and shoving this stranger away. Instead she sat there, petrified.

“Never expected to see you in New York, why didn’t you give your old uncle a call?” 

(Y/n) remained silent as this man put his hands on her, giving her an awkward side hug before glancing Matt’s way.

“Is this your new boyfriend?”

“No, he’s not-”

“I’m Marcus, Marcus Blum, (Y/n)’s uncle.” The man introduced himself. Matt felt his blood run cold.

“Matthew Murdock.” His response was curt and to the point. He knew he should have put on a facade, pretended to not sense (Y/n)’s discomfort and played the role of the oblivious date.

But right now (Y/n) was a time bomb, and Matt would do anything to avoid lighting that fuse.

“Mr. Murdock, would you mind if I borrowed my niece for a moment? We need to catch up on family matters.”

Before Matt could even respond, Blum had his hold on (Y/n) and was leading her towards an empty corner of the restaurant.

The worst part was, she willingly stood from her chair, staring at Matt the whole way there like a fish out of water, pulled from the ocean.

“Don’t try anything,” Blum began, all traces of his cheery tone thrown to the wind, “one wrong move and you’ll be pumped full of lead in seconds.”

That meant there were people in the restaurant who worked for him, who had been watching them, probably listening in. They must had been very efficient, Matt hadn’t heard anything suspicious since their arrival.

“They’d never pull the triggers fast enough... not fast enough to save you, at least...” She murmured, pulling her arm from his grasp.

“I thought we’d agree you’d never come back to New York, (Y/n)... That your snooping days were over.”

“I don’t know what your talking about-”

“Don’t play dumb with me!” he snapped, checking his tone once the few people in the restaurant who weren’t on his payroll looked in their direction. “Who else could rip a yacht in half like that...? Who else would send my people scrambling into jail cells?”

“Maybe you pissed off the wrong person... and they’ve come for revenge... Maybe all the people I found years ago have returned as spirits... come to settle their scores.” She grumbled. Though her voice was level and her chest puffed, her heart beat was drowning everything out for Matt.

Blum leaned in close, whispering in her ear. “If you have any sense... you’ll leave New York tonight. Otherwise your boyfriend is going to learn first hand about everything you’ve lied to him about.”

(Y/n) states silent, her strong stature faltering as she looked away from him and towards Matt.

“I’m glad we could have this talk...”

With that, Blum brushed past her and sat at the table he had been occupying. It suddenly felt like all eyes in the restaurant were on Matt and (Y/n) once she returned to their table. 

To (Y/n)’s insistence, they payed the bill and hastily left the restaurant.

Roughly 30 minutes after (Y/n) left Matt at his apartment, having said their goodbyes, he received a call from her on the burner phone. The second he answered, she was rambling a mile a minute in his ear.

“If we’re going to make a move it has to be tonight, can you meet me at the warehouse on the east side?”

Her voice had lost its steely edge, it was clear she had cried during the walk to wherever she was staying since she wasn’t bothering to mask her voice at this point.

“Slow down, we need to make a proper plan of attack before we go in there-”

“There’s no time for a plan!” she interrupted, “They’re threatening innocent people, people who know me! We need to find Blum and take him out before it’s too late!”

Matt could hear keys rustling in the background, as if she was struggling with a door before bursting into her room. 

“(Y/n), let’s just think about this. If we slow down we have a better chance of catching Blum.” Matt, who was preoccupied with going to his closet for his suit, hadn’t even noticed his slip up.

The line was dead silent for a moment, Matt almost called out to her, nervous the call had dropped.

“...How do you know my name...?”

Fuck.

“A-are you with them? How the fuck do you know my name?!” 

Matt began to panic, trying to think up an excuse on the fly, something convincing.

“Answer me, asshole! How do you know my-!” 

The sound of the phone clattering to the floor had Matt wincing away from the speaker pressed to his ear. What followed was the sound of something heavy thumping right beside the device. His knuckles turned white from how hard he gripped the flip phone, realization dawning on him once he realized what had happened.

All he heard next was the sound of heavy footsteps approaching the phone before the line went dead.

Tag List:

@sisterwinchesterwriter

[notintheipswichboyband]

Neutral Evil Trope

"For mine own good, all causes shall give way."

— Macbeth

One of the nine alignments from the best-known Character Alignment system. Sometimes known as the "Asshole Alignment" or "True Evil". Characters of this alignment fit neither end of the Law–Chaos axis, hence "Neutral", but they land at the morally worse end of the other, Good–Evil axis. Their methods vary; just as the Neutral Good character will ally with anybody to do what's right and nobody to do what's wrong, the Neutral Evil character will ally with anybody as long as it advances their own interests — and it is all about their own interests. These characters do not respect other people as people like themselves with feelings and needs; rather they are tools or obstacles inferior to the Neutral Evil, to be used for their advancement. Neutral Evil characters are intrinsically selfish people, regardless of whose side they are on, and as a Token Evil Teammate, they may sell out to the bad guy if it makes achieving their goals significantly easier.

Some of the world-shaking ones may seek to tear down an old order, good or bad, to set up their own order — not because their way is better, or for the pleasure of tearing it down, but because they want to be in charge. They will do it using any means at their disposal. To a Neutral Evil character, honor, standards and keeping your word is all well and good, so long as it doesn't get in the way. If their opponent is honorable and decent, that's great because they can exploit it. They are very prone to saying, "I Lied".

While they are usually villains, they can also switch to the good guy's side for a while, if it's better for them at the moment. True Magnificent Bastards of the Neutral Evil persuasion can sometimes (with a little luck) lure other villains into an Enemy Civil War, usually along the lines of Order Versus Chaos — playing Lawful Evil against Chaotic Evil — and cleaning up at both sides' expense.

Neutral Evil is, usually, the most dangerous type of evil to fight. Typically, neutral evil characters are The Unfettered, though that isn't to say they follow no code but rather only follow rules or codes that benefit them. Neutral Evil characters will use the law if it suits them but will throw it away as needed for their purposes. What can make them very dangerous is that, the intelligent versions of this trope, tend to be strict followers of Pragmatic Villainy. Ultimately, what matters is what they want and will cross any line to get it.

Neutral Evil types can come in a variety of different flavors:

Type 1: Neutral over Evil — These characters are amoral and commit evil for self-serving, but not necessarily malicious purposes. They tend to be in it for money and power but (generally) eschew motives like revenge or sadism, viewing them as barbaric or simply unprofessional, if they regard them at all; that does not mean they'll always, or ever, stop their bosses, partners or lackeys from indulging in such behavior, though, and they are usually prepared to Kick the Dog or perform Cold-Blooded Torture as a means to an end. Perhaps they are a Punch-Clock Villain, or maybe they believe there is Better Living Through Evil, or perhaps they are Blessed with Suck and their talents happen to lend themselves to evil (like, say, a talent for professional hits). Essentially, this is anyone who would be a True Neutral if not for the lack of conscience or empathy, or their practice of putting either aside to further their own ends. A type 1 will either not understand the difference between right and wrong, or understand but choose wrong anyway, perhaps justifying it with Necessarily Evil, or perhaps simply not viewing the whole Good and Evil thing to be of any special importance in the first place. On the other end of the scale, this can ramp up to Scary Dogmatic Aliens or Eldritch Abominations and anyone else operating on Blue and Orange Morality or Above Good and Evil, but who are just culpable enough to still qualify as evil.

Type 2: Evil over Neutral — These characters, in contrast, are immoral and deliberately evil. Egotistical, selfish, malevolent and sadistic, they recognize the difference between right and wrong (at least superficially) and willfully and gleefully choose wrong. But this does not make them Chaotic Evil, since they get the same amusement from using orderly or chaotic techniques. They are likely to do bad things just For the Evulz. Some are made of Jerk Justifications and try to justify their actions with insincere What Is Evil? or Above Good and Evil arguments; many others are Card Carrying Villains who revel being the bad guy and will boast about all the horrible things they have done or plan to do.

Type 3: Balance Seeker — These characters on the other hand are egomaniacal; they believe that they are the good, or even The Hero, and evil either doesn't exist or is whatever they don't like. These guys might recognize that the rest of the world has different ethical standards from them, but those standards are for lesser mortals and they will obey them only when it is convenient to do so. Often elitist and smug with a grandiose sense of entitlement and self-worth, they often think The Hero thwarts their plans out of jealousy, ignorance or spite and often fail to understand altruism or selfless behavior. They treat the bulk of humanity with indifference if not utter contempt, even if they regard themselves as a Well-Intentioned Extremist, believing themselves to be the center of the world, perhaps sharing it with a handful of semi-worthy competitors and everyone else exists to serve their needs or glorify them. Others don't care about the common person at all except as means to an end, while some are simply the Misanthrope Supreme and will shut themselves off from the trash that is mankind; or, worse, take a Kill 'Em All approach to Put Them All Out of My Misery. A Type 3 is fully capable of doing heinous or petty things For the Evulz and can be extremely sadistic and vindictive; they just won't consider such acts to be evil (at least, in general) because they feel they are entitled to do them.

Type 4 characters are devout- they are actually devoted to the cause of Evil (or similar sinister concept, eg. the Dark Side, Crime, Death etc.) and seek to spread it wherever they go. A Type 4 serves the resident God of Evil, seeks to open the Sealed Evil in a Can, or is the most fervent and sincere follower of the Religion of Evil, as well as actively opposing the forces of Good and going out of their way to do so. Others are more philosophical or political and advocate destructive, bigoted or Straw Nihilist creeds. The nuttiest of this type even believe Bad is Good and Good is Bad and think that normal or heroic characters are the true villains while applying Insane Troll Logic to demostrate that the "villains" are actually good. In spite of this servile approach, most are just as selfcentred and egotistical as any other Neutral Evil type; this often manifests in the real or delusional belief that they are "special"- perhaps The Chosen One, the Dark Messiah or even The Antichrist-, and they might view other followers as useful pawns or hated rivals. Some simply become addicted to Black Magic or assign religious meaning to torture and death; others are more mission orientated and come to serve as agents of dark powers or simply try to spread as much misery or death as possible. Though sometimes portrayed as cartooshily evil, the most serious of this type make very dangerous villains, as they truly do Evil for its own sake, and not (just) evil for the sake of themselves.

In practice, Neutral Evil often simply means "Evil", so Lawful Evil or Chaotic Evil are simply cases where one of the above types meets Lawful or Chaotic Neutral inclinations.

Neutral Evil can be the most dangerous alignment because such characters are willing to step on, betray, take advantage of, hurt, and kill other people to reach their goals and get what they want. The Neutral Evil have no difficulty working with others so long as their own needs are met. However, they also have no difficulty betraying former companions if there is some gain in doing so. They are also extremely susceptible to bribes.

In Dungeons & Dragons, characters who are selfish above all else are Neutral Evil by default.

If you have a difficulty deciding which alignment a evil-aligned character belongs to, the main difference between Lawful Evil, Neutral Evil and Chaotic Evil is not their devotion to their evil wishes, but the methods they believe are best to realize it:

Even though there are some situations where they can't always use this method, Lawful Evil characters believe the best way is to have a specific, strict code of conduct, whether self-imposed or codified as a law. Their first impulse when making a moral decision is to refer back to this code; those with externally imposed systems (codes of laws, hierarchies, etc.) will try to work within the system when those systems go wrong. Depending on whether they are more Lawful or more Evil, they will either refuse to break the code even though it would hurt their evil objectives, or else break it only very reluctantly, and only when it would hurt their evil objectives if they kept their code.

Neutral Evil characters are indifferent to Order Versus Chaos, and their only interest is in realizing their evil wishes. They will use whatever means will help in realizing their evil wishes, whether that means tearing down a code of laws, following a code of laws, creating an orderly society, causing the breakdown of justice, or staying away from society altogether. Their only goal is to realize their evil wishes, full stop.

Most Chaotic Evil characters don't constantly break the law, but they cannot see much value in laws (or, for weaker-CCEs, do not see the value in laws that do not function solely to their depraved objectives). They believe that their own evil impulses are their best guides, and that tying themselves to any given code of conduct would be limiting their own ability to realize their depraved wishes. They do not get along with anyone who tries to instill any kind of order over the Chaotic Evil character, believing these people to be restricting their freedom; Chaotic Evil characters often focus very strongly on their own individual rights and freedoms, and will strongly resist any form of oppression of themselves.

See Also: Lawful Good, Neutral Good, Chaotic Good, Lawful Neutral, True Neutral, Chaotic Neutral, Lawful Evil, Chaotic Evil

Examples of Neutral Evil villains:

Abusive Parents (if not Lawful Neutral or Lawful Evil)

Most villains who follow Ambition Is Evil

The more self-centered Amoral Attorney

Villainous versions of Beneath the Mask (especially seemingly nice characters).

Bullies, when not Lawful Evil.

The more villainous Byronic Heroes go here.

Some examples of The Caligula. (When not Chaotic Evil).

A good amount of Card Carrying Villains, when not Chaotic Evil.

Villainous cases of Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, as this is often associated with these type of characters.

Con Man: Those who aren't Chaotic Evil (Or, at their most sympathetic, Chaotic Neutral)

Some Corrupt Corporate Executives (if not Lawful Evil) who are motivated by greed and personal aggrandizement.

Cruella to Animals

Most evil Blood Knights if not Chaotic Evil

Many Dirty Cowards

Evil Chancellors who use illegal means to gain power.

Evil Colonialist (If not Lawful Evil)

The Evil Debt Collector when not Lawful Evil

A less lawfully bound Evil Overlord (example: Voldemort, Emperor Palpatine, Skeletor).

Some Faux Affably Evil characters when not Lawful Evil

The Heroism Addict (falls under Type 3)

Glory Hound and Glory Seeker, if not Chaotic Evil

Jerkasses

The Killer Game Master, cause he loves to see their players suffer

The most egomaniacal and self-centered Knight Templars (Type 3)

Les Collaborateurs

Many Generic Doomsday Villains, although they can be Chaotic Evil as well.

Mad Scientists that turn into Evilutionary Biologists and/or do things all For Science!

More amoral versions of The Neidermeyer

Not-So-Well-Intentioned Extremist

Politically Incorrect Villain (if not Lawful Evil)

Many Straw Nihilists

Most of the more amoral Professional Killers who are Only in It for the Money: Hitmen, most more sinister mercenaries, and most evil Bounty Hunters.

Most Psychos For Hire, when they're not Chaotic Evil

The Religion of Evil

Most Omnicidal Maniacs that aren't Chaotic Evil

Most Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds that aren't Chaotic Evil

Many Classic Villains

Most Pragmatic Villains

Many Magnificent Bastards

Many Narcissists, particularly the ones with the lack of empathy and propensity for manipulation that characterizes the personality disorder

The Ego of an evil-aligned Freudian Trio.

The Starscream, when not Lawful Evil.

Most organized Serial Killers

Slimeballs

Rather vicious versions of the hedonist, when not Chaotic Evil.

The Smug Snake or Big Bad Wannabe.

The Sociopath: Those who aren't Chaotic Evil (Type 2-4).

Most Sociopathic Soldiers

The Barnum, if not Chaotic Evil

The Quisling when not Lawful Evil

Evil Poachers

Evil Vigilante Men

Those who engage in War for Fun and Profit.

Most evil Yanderes that aren't Chaotic Evil

The Stool Pigeon: The Betrayer Barry variant is used as example of the alignment in the Player Handbook 3th Edition.

Can be either Red or Blue Oni depending on personal preferences.

Others, such as the Big Bad, can vary between Lawful Evil, Neutral Evil, and Chaotic Evil.

Expect any Neutral Evil state to be Mordor, and a Neutral Evil city the Wretched Hive. Neutral Evil characters are likely to be Unfettered. If they are, they can also be the most lethal kind of villain, as the most extreme kind of neutral evil (not Chaotic Evil like one might think) is what gave rise to the concept of the Omnicidal Maniac (though most Omnicidal Maniacs tend to slide into Chaotic Evil by the end). Many Corrupt Corporate Executives are Neutral Evil Jerkasses in charge of Lawful Evil MegaCorps — it's easier to get ahead in business when you cheat. Unlike a Lawful Evil CCE who'd fly into a rage over somebody else's infractions, Neutral Evil sorts rarely care (as long as they themselves stay ahead) — a suitably Affably Neutral Evil businessperson might even applaud a fellow cheater's "initiative."

[yvvaine]

A Meta on Madness

Here’s the thing with Targaryen madness. Most weren’t just born raving mad.  They developed it. Some as early as childhood, others well into adulthood; sometimes even instigated by some event (like the Defiance of Duskendale which affected Aerys II Targaryen’s madness). Grand Maester Phycelle even commented how Aerys had been “a good man. such a charmer....” until he became obsessed with his dreams of “fire & blood”. 

It seems that that is the commonality. Fire & Blood. And also obsession. Most of the “madness” starts out as personality traits, like unchecked outbursts and impusliveness. Some form of violence (during said outbursts) develops shortly thereafter. Mixed in is usually a god-like self-image and some personal obsession / quest. Also paranoia. Delusions and hallucinations, for the most part, dont develop all that fast. Theyre “charming good men” with hot heads, and that slowly escelates, little by little until it begins to snowball. Again, some earlier than others. 

But obsession seems to be reaccuring throught all the circumstances. 

They fixate on something (Fire & Blood, religion, beliefs, etc) and take it too far, and the more they do, the more obsessed they become, the more the ‘madness’ seems to set in. 

King Baelor the Blessed was overzealously obsessed with religion and purity, to the point that he starved himself into an early grave because he believed that food is of this world, and the material world is sinful.

Prince Aerion Brightflame, son of King Maekar and nephew of the Prince Rhaegel. Aerion killed himself drinking wildfire, believing it would turn him into a dragon.

Visery’s ‘madness’ (mostly outbursts, paranoia, and cruelty), according to Daenerys at least, was linked/instigated to a somewhat traumatic event; the selling of their mother’s crown. My guess is that he was old enough to be traumatized by the events that sent them into exhile, put all his hopes and dreams into that crown, idolized it, and losing it was kind of the final push. 

Madness ≠ Certified Crazy Person

In fact I dont even really like the term madness, because it denotes that the Targaryen in question is 24/7 insane. And dont get me wrong, some def are. But in GRRM’s world their ‘madness’ is MUCH more subtle than that. Its pathology is almost like a disease. And people can live with the most terrible diseases for quite along while and work around it/not have it effect them. As a Certified Sick Person myself, I know that particular lesson more than quite a bit of people (thanks autoimmune system!) Id say. Look at diabetes! People can live with diabetes and not have to cut their foot off or die (like the olden days) with the right amount of lifestyle and personal choices. But untreated, without proper checks and balances, symptoms get worse, other manisfate on top of one another.  To say they have the “Targaryen madness” is not a black and white issue, because their “insanity” is not as simple as : “that persons obv crazy and that persons not!!” You cant equivicate mid-story/life Daenerys with late-in-life Aerys. Its a cultivation of symptoms over years. Theyre not at equal points in their life to one another; obv shes not blinded by “KILL THEM ALL” attitudes yet. 

Early-in Life Aerys (perhaps a better parallel to Daenerys’s timeline) was: 

“...while not being the most intelligent, nor the most diligent of princes [I wonder who that sounds like? Cough Mereen] he was described as having an undeniable charm. He was generous, handsome and resolute, although somewhat quick to anger. [SOUND LIKE ANYONE. A good heart? Beautiful? Determined and passionate? SOMEWHAT quick to anger?] He was also vain, proud, and changeable, traits that made him easy prey for lickspittles and flatterers.” 

The last part is more up for debate but Dany does think quite highly of herself and is VERY proud. Shes also reminded frequently of her amazing-ness, as well as her beauty, which would bloat anyones ego. And while she realizes the difference between blatant kiss asses (“People used to tell that kind of thing to my brother”) she also prefers those that agree with her or her line of thinking and suck up to her. Shes kinder to those that fall into step and bestows greater favor on them in that moment (even when the person in the room disagreeing is a “friend”). 

“As he grew older, Aerys became increasingly jealous, suspicious and cruel, prone to furious outbursts.”

I think a lot of readers and show viewers see this increasingly “bratty” quality to her character. Even when her anger (toward the slave masters for instance) is morally and technically VERY justified (Personally I hate this POV, as I’m someone whos decided to dedicate my lifeswork to human rights law, so decidely I am not for cruel racist individuals. Moreover, I dont think many people, if there is any at all, who believe in dark!(or just a generally darker)dany are racist and pro-slavery - which is something i see stans misguidedly clapback with often in the face of criticism) her “justice” becomes all she see’s to disastrous consequences, including crucifying those that shouldnt have been.

“My father spoke out against crucifying those children. He decried it as a criminal act but was overruled. Is it justice to answer one crime with another?” - Hizdahr zo Loraq, S04E06 “The Laws of Gods and Men” on Daenerys crucifying his father because of the status he was born into.

She also seems to be developing more and more paranoia. “Betray me and I’ll burn you alive.” (obv betrayal should be punished WHEN IT HAPPENS, but like, shes already imagining scenrarios and felt the need to say something, ie paranoid). The entire beach tantrum and her turning against her ally and HAND Tyrion because she was upset at their(shared) battle failures. And while its great that she doesnt want to be the Queen of Ashes, in her right mind, in moments of anger and fustration she constantly has to be talked down from burning cities. So increasingly more worrisome. 

Shes also increasingly fixated on ‘the iron throne’. As her obsession grows....

Sorta like: Aerys in his youth. 

So while duh, shes not batshit insane like her father was right before the end of his life, people forget, her father wasnt “bad” or “mad” till his later years either. Comparing the two (her father right before he was killed and Dany now) is like comparing a seed to a flower. Same material and DNA. Same circumstances / needs the same to grow (unchecked symptoms like their anger and obsessions). But ultimately different stages in their lives, and as such different consequences and attributes. 

GA (and Stans)‘s Short-sidedness

The “Mad Dany” theory mostly comes from people woh dont neccisarily see dany as stark raving mad like Aerys Burn Them All Targaryen (i know, shocking) but rather see this similarity (past face value cough cough), and see the parrallels between young Aerys the Charming Good But Slghty Tantrum-y Tararyen with Dany now, and made educated forecasts in what that means for future-Dany based on her current arch. The same Dany who is increasingly obsessed with conquering an entire ass continent that shes held up as a symbol and put all her hopes and dreams of ‘home’ into (kinda like the way Viserys did with their mothers crown)  (also a continent that she knows nothing and hasnt bothered to learn anything about). She has no plans on creating a democracy or dispersing power to try to mitigate her faults because shes completely fucking blind to them. She plans on sitting on that uncomfortable ass stupid metal throne and being uncompromising because shes not a Politician shes a QWEEN  #fuckcompromise #fuckdiplomacy #fuckpeace #bendtheknee #ammiright :))))) Meanwhile dancing on really thin ice that could any minute crack under her, and the more it cracks the faster it makes new ones until it snowballs quickly out of hand and suddenly it snaps and kills you. Only shes queen in this scenario with two resusable nukes at her disposal so in this case its not just her but the entire country that drowns.

 Politics is a long game. We - in the real world - choose a leader who is not just best for us in the now, but who will create a better future for our children, and their children, and so on. 

Dany is not a good, stable bet. I originally meant to do a short sassy one liner about this but then I got on a soapbox and started getting all philisophical and now this could literally be my senior thesis its that long. (My apologies!) Im also know where near finished with this so this could maybe be Part One? 

[semi-imaginary-place]

more dgs 2-5 trial

resolve. kazuma's resolve which started him on the path of law and across an ocean as an assassin. which drove him to britain even after he had lost his memory. and the resolve of ryuunosuke naruhodo to as stronghart puts it "pursue the truth to the bitter end"

yeah isn't there some law (in the US at least) where lawyers aren't allowed on a case they're personally involved in. well this is 1900 great britain so who knows. kazuma looking sketch although he did say he didn't kill gregson and for now i kinda believe him like narratively the writers even had susato comment that he doesn't lie.

ive connected two dots. judge jigoku was also the one kazuma consulted, after which he was set upon the path of a lawyer aspiring to be an exchange student. hmm kazuma was already an aspiring defence lawyer and exchange student when jigoku approached him to be an assassin. he really did want to defend his father in court initially at least. recruiting an actual random university student seems like a stupid plan. better to find an actual assassin and pretend they're a student.

ok im not a vallistics or forensics expert but if he was shot and died indtantly i dont think its impossible gregson crumpled to the floor and ended up curled up like in the photo. this logic is a stretch.

why is the murderer always one of the witnesses... but we havent used all the evidence or solved all the mysteries though that might be wrapped up in the victory antechamber scene. i do like how a lot of the murders were tied to greater pressures. like dr. sithe did so to keep the justice system she had built intact even if that meant living with blackmail above her head. and jigoku is caught in international relations and power struggles and cannot refuse the demands on a powerful empire. hmm contractually obligated to complete the assassination, jigoku could have sent another assassin to take the fall knowing that they would have no diplomatic immunity and would be executed but he decuded to do it himself. why did stronghart accept ryunosuke as a replacement?

accusing barok van zieks of being the conspiracy mastermind, that would be a seperate trial, his trial for for gregsons murder, these are seperate tho related crimes. what sort of kangaroo court is this.

was it really coincidence that barok was the one caught in jigoku's trap? its Suspiciously convenient aaand would eliminate the person investigating the reaper if barok was found guilty of murder.

fabricated conclusive evidence planted and "discovered" during the autopsy to turn genshin asogi into the scapegoat. yup thought we'd be going here. this was the case kazuma wanted to build from the begining as a defense lawyer. and with wilson is japan he'd be a liability for the reaper that was difficult to eliminate. dr wilson was the one overseeing the autopsy and he signed off on the report but dr mikotoba was the one who wrote that report. how much was mikotoba involved? summoning gregson's ghost to the stand. well i mean.... who knows whats possible and ghost testimony was used in court in like 2001. but besides that that leaves the asogi papers and maybe mikotoba.

the voice of the people or the ravings of a mob its hard to tell sometimes. those who hold power have the privelege of propriety and to speak quiety and still be heard.

ahh! this is the problem with me taking a year to play the duology! my memory sucks! that case with shamsphere we found a bloody dog colllar and some other stuff? in natsume's former room. and shamsphere learned of the cache from a prinson inmate who died? just who was the tenant before natsume i dont remember.

[grimcatician]

Honestly my hope for Yuumori is that they all realize that working for the govt sucks actually and that patriotism is not super helpful and that The System is still shit and they go back to working outside the law but maybe, with less murder idk

Moran and William start off working from outside the law again and then slowly ppl join them again. although I’d LOVE to see Louis wrestling with his current role/mission and his love/devotion to his brother and maybe grow from that to someone who has his own agenda and goals that sometimes go against Williams (we saw that part of him emerge w/ the final problem) and Sherlock continues to play the role of the hero detective but willingly this time. OH kind of like Edgeworth and Phoenix—“opposing” roles and sides (in name only) but working together to uncover the truth/bring justice to people. So they still get to like, chase and tease each other ahaha oh god basically I want a more socially conscious Lupin the third oh man

[ayman-eckford]

So, meet the alters series. Ok, guys, you could call me Abu Aziza Al Qureishi.

I’m a thirty five years old man (and when I say “man”, I of course mean “cis man”). Like you could guess, I’m a little bit conservative. It’s beneficial for me as for a politician and an amir to be conservative. I’m a Salafi/Wahhabi Muslim. At least other people call me that. I prefer to think that me and my folks just Ahlus Sunnah wal Jammah.

When I told “my folks” I mean my part of the inner world/people from my biography ‘cause I partly fictive alter. Yeah, I used to think about myself like I’m pretty influential guy and pretty rich guy. I used to have... well, my own kattiba since I was a teen. I have my own family too: my wifes, kids, siblings and it’s stuck that I don’t have them when I’m fronting.

It’s suck that I couldn’t properly use my native Arabic language, that I couldn’t remember how to pray properly, that I couldn’t remember Quran by heart. It’s felts like I became a small kid again. With a small body and zero knowledge. And everything felt so weird. I think I was fronting when this photo were making but I’m not look like me at all. This body is so tiny - I used to be near two meters tall. And in this body I’m so woman-like. In my body I have a long curly hair, beard and my dark-olive skin. I used to wear long white thobe or dark Shalwar kameez & kuffia or packol in my head.

I’m a relatively new alter. The split that “gave birth” to me started in 13 feb. 2020. Partly because the host, Ayman, and other alter, who were triggered by an event, Abu Umar, couldn’t handle all that “fake terrorism accusation from Russian State Deputy” stuff. It was too triggering for Ayman because of their anxiety and too triggering for Abu Umar ‘cause he hate Islamophobs. Abu Umar is the first Muslim alter in this system. I’m his sheikh and amir. That mean that I have a responsibility toward him and need to protect him from outside world. Also I used to protect Littles of the System when I’m inside.

I’m not just fictive/protector, most of the times I’m ANP alter and co-host of the system. Most of the times I co-fronting, together with Ayman.

I’m interested in politics, foreign affairs, reading, Middle East news, Islam, poetry and horses.

If you have any questions you could ask in comments.

Also the post continue in the comments...

Other ask me to write about our inner conflicts.

Well, I’m not the one who loves conflicts. It’s disadvantageously for me. I have to live in symbiosis with Ayman, doesn’t matter if I like it or not.

But sometimes there is some difficulties:

- As far as I know I’m the only person in the system who could lie properly. I mean, when I lie it doesn’t make me feel crappy. Ayman could lie maybe one time in a year and after that they need to recovery. I could lie even for fun or just to be polite. Years and years in Middle East politics could teach you something. So sometimes Ayman want to say true but I want to lie or conceal something, not to be so open about some stuff. I think they are too open about our life.

- Sometimes I lie to Ayman. For example today I told they and Lina that I just want to read about Al-Qaeda for two hours, but in reality I was avoiding to read our Home Office interview. Ayman was too exhausted to check my feeling and so they believed me. Lina realize that I’m lying.

- I want to be a father of Systems’s Littles. They doesn’t know what to think about it yet. But Ayman sure that “parent-kid” relationship could create toxic power dynamics. So they are against adoption of any kid inside system. She afraid that it would led to abuse.

-I have zero respect for

man-made low. Why should I listen to taghut rules? Especially if no one going to punish us. But Ayman (and majority of system’s members) prefer to respect even all tiny law stuff like lockdown rules. Even if sometimes it’s deeply inconvenient for us.

- I’m most Realpolitik kind of guy. Ayman are classical liberal human rights/social justice activist. I considered they a little naive. They trust people too much. I’m used to trust no-one except Allah SWT.

- I’m Islamist. Ayman is not Islamist. They WERE Islamist long ago. Moreover, they are kaffir now. It’s not a conflict. Just a fact.

- Sometimes Ayman doesn’t like when I switch on nasheeds very loud on the street. Despite that we are wearing headphones! But it doesn’t really bothered me what other people thinks about the music I like. Even if it’s ISIS nasheeds.

- I want that most of the food in the fridge were halal. Most of the guys outside ignored it.

I think that’s all.

If you have more questions you could ask me.

(Image description: me in Ayman’s body. Tiny person in the Sheffield Central Park)

[ziaismia]

10/9/20

Mind control...

Sometimes it gets frustrating when you go through the day realizing that you are the only one awake. People shuffle through life like zombies not even aware they are being controlled and manipulated on a huge cosmic scale. The matrix is real and im Neo. Sucks I had to wake up one day and realize it. At that moment i went from being a pawn on a chessboard to being a shape shifter. I play all pieces now. You ever notice that two coincidences in a row is probably not a coincidence. Gifted with depth of vision, ignorance is bliss so the next best thing after that is getting high. Mind control is real. Whether you are being controlled by elite input controllers who manipulate your body/mind like how early spaniards manipulated indians and horses. Why do you think the war on drugs. So many reasons, maybe a broken paradigm that needs to shift kike glaciers falling into see and continents breaking apart. When your high you see things from a different perspective and it takes back control from those that control you. On that topic how about the presidential debate a few nights ago. I want a candidate that promises to legalize drugs and at the same time give law enforcement and correctional guards a 5 to 7 year exit strategy. Without drugs being illegal we would need about half the current police force nation wide. Also the judges and the DAs office would need less baggage. We would need to give them time to transition to new careers and satisfy both the unions and the individuals who need to make major life changes. It would take about 2 to 3 years if drugs were legal to pay for this major paradigm shift in society and the criminal justice system. I would pay for the schooling of any personnel interested in a new career with government grants that did not have to be payed back. At the same time I would cover the yearly salary of any correctional institute guard or law enforcement personal going through schooling. If they wanted to start there own business they would have 5 to 7 years of salary to get there business of the ground as well as grants to help get started. This would be the platform that would make the most sense not only to the nation fiscally but also satisfying both sides of the street. Black lives matter would be happy because its a compromise. Anyways im being kind of rude right now ignoring my guests but i just get so passionate about politics. Lol. I think this is progress and the future evolution of the criminal justice system. This platform is what the United States needs right now to stay relevant and continue to be a dominating force on the world stage.

Zia isaac for president... Right!!!

[ernmark]

Fragment of Memory (part 6)

Yup, almost done.

And just in case you missed it in the tags: lots of gaslighting in this one. Not all horror is bumps in the night.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

Juno throws open the door of Ramses’ office without knocking. 

Ramses is at his desk. There’s no question of that. With all the political enemies he made getting here, the only safe place for him is the mansion, with its impenetrable security and its windowless halls. All of his council meetings are conducted via video, all the papers that are sent for him to sign are delivered by Evelyn. 

Juno’s stomach twists when he realizes that Ramses couldn’t possibly have left the mansion to collect victims. That must have been Juno’s job.

Ramses looks up, setting down a sheaf of papers on his desk. With everything he did, it feels like he should be sneering at Juno from under furrowed brows, maybe baring his teeth. Instead the sudden intrusion is met with a look of concern. 

“Juno?” The usual gruffness of his voice is gone, replaced with something ginger and careful. “Evelyn informed me that you ran into some trouble in the library yesterday.”

Juno always took that tone for care. Now it feels like the tell of a lie. He doesn’t waste time with small talk. “I know what you did.” 

Ramses eyes him for a moment, then sets down his pen. “You’re going to need to be specific, Juno. I’m a busy man. Exactly what is it that I’ve done?”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know,” Juno snaps. “I’ve seen that machine of yours. The one where you bring all those people.” 

“Oh, that?” Some of the softness leaves his voice. “Being awfully dramatic, aren’t you? You make it sound like I did something illegal.”

What the hell? Juno’s mouth opens and shuts for a moment, his mind blank with outrage. “You want to tell me why that’s not against the law?” 

“Because it’s too new, I suspect,” Ramses says. “The technology is on the bleeding edge of what’s physically possible. Otherwise it wouldn’t be very effective, would it?”

“You made people--” Juno sputters for a second. He doesn’t have a word for it. “--disappear!” 

“I’m well aware of what I’ve done,” Ramses says, unnervingly calm. “But you aren’t, are you? Not really.”

“I know enough.”

“Clearly you don’t.” Ramses collects his papers, arranging them into an orderly stack. “You told me that bits and pieces of your memory were coming back. Tell me, do you remember Pilot Pereyra? Drake Draco? Min Kanagawa? Zhulong? Do those names mean anything to you?” 

Juno doesn’t answer, and Ramses doesn’t wait long to continue. 

“This city was crawling with people like them. It still is, though we’ve cleaned out the worst of the infection. People like them are criminals, Juno. They’ve spent lifetimes making themselves powerful by destroying innocent lives, and they built this city up around them to ensure that they’ll never see justice for their crimes. People like them can’t be held in a prison cell. They own the prisons. And the few of them that can’t just walk right out of their cell can make it into their own private palace.”

“So what?” Juno demands. “You just killed them instead?”

But that isn’t the right word, either. 

“Is that why you came running in here?” Ramses asks. “They aren’t dead. They’re in a prison that couldn’t be bought or taken over.” 

“If they’re not dead, then where are they?” 

Ramses takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose. “They aren’t in this world, or any other. It’s a place between places, outside of this reality.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“I’ve already explained all of this to you, Juno, and I don’t have the time to do it again. You’re going to have to take me at my word. It's just a temporary arrangement until their empires can be dissolved and the city’s prisons can be reformed well enough to actually hold them, and then they’ll be removed. It might not be ideal, Juno, but it’s the best we have. Other planets have resorted to capital punishment for repeat offenders; compared to those, our system is fairly humane.” 

Ramses is calm, and every word is even and measured. The way he says it, it sounds perfectly reasonable. “How long were you planning to keep them in there?” 

“As long as it takes,” Ramses says evenly. “They won’t know the difference. Their bodies enter a sort of stasis when they go through the machine. They aren’t conscious of anything. They won’t be until they’ve been taken out.”

But Juno knows better. “Yes, they are.”

“Juno, my scientists have performed several studies about the process.”

“Not all that many, if this is still on the bleeding edge,” Juno says. 

“They’ve been put in a place outside of time,” Ramses says. “They have no physical needs. They don’t grow or change. By all means, they’re in suspended animation.”

“Their bodies, maybe, but not their minds. They’re still awake in there. They’re still conscious.” 

“You don’t know that,” Ramses says.

Juno plants his feet in the floor, immovable. “I’ve seen one of them. I’ve talked to him.”

“This again.” He kneads the beginnings of a headache out from between his eyes. “Is this about your ghost?” 

“You know about him, then,” Juno asks, half triumphant.

“I know that you’ve taken to wandering the halls at all hours and talking to yourself. I may be busy, Juno, but I’m not an idiot.” Sighing, he replaces his glasses over his eyes and looks up at Juno. “We’ve already been over this. What you’re seeing is just a reaction to the Lotos. It isn’t real. None of it is real.”

“Dammit, yes it is!” Juno snaps. “You know what happened in the library. You’ve talked to Evelyn.” 

“Yes, I have,” Ramses says, as calm as ever. “This building is hundreds of years old, Juno, and whatever you want to assume about me, I can assure you that my predecessors were worse. More bodies are found every time this mansion is renovated; I imagine hundreds of decomposing corpses can’t have been good for the wiring. So yes. Sometimes the lights flicker, and sometimes there’s a power surge-- sometimes it’s even enough to overheat a few light bulbs. Evelyn knew all of this already. So did you, before you moved in. Why do you think you were both so eager to believe a ghost story?”

"It’s not the wiring,” Juno protests. His head is starting to pound. “The lights go crazy because he’s trying to talk. It-- it sucks the energy out of them or something.”

Ramses frowns. The look of concern is back, but now it’s edge with something closer to alarm. “You hear voices when the lights flicker?”

And yeah, Juno knows what that sounds like. “I’m not crazy, dammit.”

“No, Juno, you’re not.” He rises to his feet. “What you’re describing sounds more like a seizure. A minor one, maybe. But if this has been happening often...”

“It’s not--” His voice is too high, too frantic, too defensive. If he works himself up any more, he’s going to dissolve into hysterics. He needs to switch gears. 

Because he isn’t sure.

Maybe this is all in his head after all. Maybe it really is just flashbacks and fear.

“You know what? Fine. If you think this is all in my head, then prove it.” 

Ramses frowns. “How exactly do you expect me to do that?”

Juno braces himself against Ramses’ desk. “The man I keep seeing. My ghost.” The word feels like acid on his tongue. “He was on the surveillance video. He’s outside of reality, or whatever. So take him out and ask him if he’s been stalking me out here.” 

“Juno, your condition is far worse than I thought. You need to go to a hospital.”

“Sure thing, Ramses. Just bring him out for me to talk to him, and I’d be happy to. The name’s Nureyev.”

“I know his name,” Ramses says gravely. “You have no idea what you’re asking. Peter Nureyev is the kind of man who can’t be held by any other kind of prison. If I let him out, he’ll be as good as free. And it won’t end there. Once he’s out, he’ll kill us both.”

Cold rushes down the blade of Juno’s palm. No.

“Then show me how it’s done and I’ll do it myself, and you can go play it safe in a panic room or something. He won’t hurt me.”

“You don’t know that. You know his face from the surveillance video and read his name in the file, but they’re nothing but random details that happened to come back. He was never important to you. You two have never even met.”

Yes yes yes yes yes.

Unless it’s just a chill.

“Yes, we have,” Juno says. He wishes he could sound more confident. Maybe he’d be a little more convincing if he wasn’t shaking so hard.

“He’s a conman and terrorist from the Outer Rim. He’s never even been to Mars before, and you’ve never been offworld. You couldn’t possibly know him.”

Juno folds his arms over his chest, leaving one hand hanging free. “I guess we’ll find that out when we ask him.”

“Do you really think the truth matters to someone like him? You want to believe this fantasy, and he’ll use that against you. He’ll go along with whatever you say if it will get him what he wants.” Ramses takes Juno’s arm. It’s the first time he’s touched Juno in... maybe ever. “Come on, Juno. Let’s get you to the hospital.”

Juno squeezes his eyes shut. “Nureyev first.”

Ramses isn’t wrong. Juno knows he’s a wreck. He’s a deranged amnesiac who’s already more than a little in love with this man. It wouldn’t be hard to tell him what he wants to hear. It wouldn’t be hard to use him.

He still has to try.

But maybe ‘try’ is too active a word. Ramses is the one doing all the actual work, while Juno mostly just stays out of his way. From what he can tell, even when he had his memories he only actually knew how to throw people in there. He never learned how to get them out again. 

The archway lights up, so bright he has to look away-- until the blaze is blocked out by a shape. Juno squints against the light until it goes out altogether. 

There he is, tall and lean, his face exactly the one Juno saw in the hall. The one that was so heartbreakingly sad. There’s not much capacity for sadness on his face right now. He’s gasping and choking like he just came out of deep water. He staggers backward, almost stumbling into the arch. Instead he overcorrects and falls forward onto his hands and knees. 

“Nureyev?”  

“Be careful, Juno,” Ramses warns, but Juno rushes forward. 

“Are you okay?” Juno tries to help him up, but it’s no use. Nureyev’s too busy gasping to notice.  

When he finally catches his breath, he looks up at Juno, and at Juno’s offered hand. 

“Do you remember me?” Juno asks.

And maybe Ramses is right. Maybe this is all in his head. It doesn’t matter. One way or another, this ends now. No matter what happens, he’s getting out of this house once and for all. 

They both are. 

Nureyev reaches out to him, but he doesn’t take the hand up. Instead, he caresses Juno’s thumb.

Yes.