#maybe that's why i can't find any websites

[abluehappyface]

Man I wish I could find a website that'll let me combine touhou midis/add existing midi parts to each other, do you KNOW how many themes would sound FANTASTIC with one another!?

[toytulini]

im willing to believe yellowjackets is a good show but im not sure im willing to forgive it for that title which makes me have to specify "yellowjacket BUG" if i want to see the actual bees

[kedreeva]

Okay so, I don't think I've spoken of the saga here yet but! Gather round. I shall tell you a long story about the bird I just acquired and why she is VERY IMPORTANT.

At the beginning of last fall, I started looking into quail genetics a little more, because I got tired of not being able to sex my Celadon quail by their feathers. Originally I thought I could kill 2 birds (ok maybe more) with 1 stone and order nice jumbo wild type (which MANY places advertised as wild type jumbo) hatching eggs, and this would help me put some size on the Celadons (jumbo) while also making them feather sexable (wild type). Perfect!

But then I come to find out that pretty much all jumbo lines are jumbo BROWNS, as in they all have the sex linked brown (SLB) gene. So, I was a little confused and a LOT annoyed because I wanted to work specifically with the wild type color/pattern. No mutations just straight, plain wild type.

And EVERYWHERE I looked - major production hatcheries, private breeders through websites, Facebook groups, local swaps, craigslist, e v e r y w h e r e -

People ONLY had SLB.

This spring I came across a video showing about the differences between SLB and wild type and I figured if the person who made it can tell, maybe she will have some. So I looked her up (not in a stalker way, her farm name was stamped on the video and took me to the website), and what luck! She was in Michigan! Upper Michigan, so still a hike, but not California, y'know?

So I shot her an email and explained that I was looking for WT and that her site said she bred them and that people could do local pickup. She responded yeah she's totally got a bunch! And I said great, I'm also in Michigan, albeit far away, but I don't mind driving 7+ hours each way, because I really need actual, trusted WT for sure birds for my celadon project, can I come pick them up?

Cue the most frankly bizarre email chain in my short life. As soon as I mentioned that I was going to drive, or perhaps that I had a genetics plan in place, she got super sketchy and started saying how she hadn't really paid as close attention to SLB vs. WT, that it mattered less than she thought it would when she started, that I shouldn't focus on that either, and also that "fawn celadon is practically unheard of" in the hobby and "you should focus on a clean Tibetan because it's hard to find without roux in it) implying that I should concentrate on those things instead. And concluded by telling me if I really want WT, to contact this other person (why happens to be someone I can't stand). It all sounded VERY much like she didn't have wild type males, after all, and had thought I didn't know the difference so it wouldn't actually matter. But, it does. It actually matters a lot to me.

So I messaged back to say, well, I don't want to do any of those things, I specifically want to work with this set of genetics and you said you have them so I shouldn't have to go to anyone else??

And then she went radio silent for a week. I kind of figured I'd called a bluff, and that she was one of dozens of people I'd contacted who'd said they had WT only to find out they had SLB. I get that it's difficult to see the difference, but this particular person was the president of the American Coturnix Breeders Association or whatever (found out it's actually just a club formed by her and her friends a year ago, so not as impressive as it sounds, considering they don't actually DO anything- no putting on shows, no newsletters, no certifications, no public breeder directory, no finished SOP, nada), so I kind of expected she should know what she's talking about, if anyone does.

Eventually, after a week, she responded that she had been judging at a county fair, but she had a few heterozygous males (WT het roux, which is fine) and she could set a hatch for me for more if I wanted to come at the end of the month, but she's in WI now, not MI. I said sure, since where she was in WI was actually closer than where she'd been in the UP, and we arranged date/time.

The day of, my neighbor friend, Jude, comes with me for company/keeping me awake through the 15 hours driving round trip. It's a pleasant enough drive. We arrived at a cutesy little house on the edge of town that looks like anyone's house in a neighborhood, with a spacious lawn. The person meets us and takes me around the side of the house to a 6x6x1.5 or so chicken tractor, where she's got some male coturnix. She pulls the available males for me to look through and... fam, they ALL looked SLB, to me.

Now, she swore to me up and down that they couldn't be anything except WT het for roux, because of the way she is breeding them. But I've put these birds next to my SLB males and if I didn't have my males banded, I would not ever have told the difference between them. I still picked up 4 of them, because I will give it a go- worst case, I can produce plain Roux hens/plain Roux males for use in breeding later, best case they do actually produce WT hens and they just LOOK SLB and I have to figure out what the differences are. I don't want to leave without seeing her hens, which she has told me are all WT (which is why the males HAVE to be het for it), and she takes me back. Now the hens, the hens are easy to see the difference. White bellies first of all, but the chest feathers are also wildly different! The shafts are white, the dot around the shaft is dark, ringed in red, ringed in white. On an SLB, the shafts aren't white, it's just a black dot surrounded in a red feather, and the belly is all red/buff/cream, not white.

This is what an SLB hen looks like:

So I take a nice long look to memorize the color, and thank her for showing me and meeting, and we head back home.

I do fecals when I get home because all of the males are VERY thin, no meat on them at all, and since she said she'd been feeding Purina (garbage for fowl feeds), I figured that was why, but no- HUGE coccidia loads in all of them. So I treated them and got them on a better feed. They immediately began putting on meat, and they're find now.

The rest of this summer, I have spent going to local bird swaps and inspecting all of the quail I could find, hoping to find one (1) actual wild-type phenotype bird. Hundreds and hundreds of birds, I have pawed through them all, being super obnoxious to the owners I'm sure, holding and inspecting males. I found ONE suspected WT male (and this is a HUGE "suspected," he could very well be SLB with low red expression). I compared him when I got home and I'm doubting myself still, so I don't know if I will ever actually pair him with the SLB hens or if I'll just wait til I have a roux set.

Regardless, it's been a dry season for getting what I want. It's been a dry YEAR. Yesterday was another swap and more hundreds of quail and me pawing through all of them.

Until.

My eyes landed upon.... her.

If you've only lived in an area that has american crows and not ravens, you find yourself wondering if crows are ravens. You see a big crow and you think wow! maybe that is a raven! It could be a crow, but it's seems bigger so maybe it's a raven. But, if you take a trip to a place with ravens, and you see one for the first time, you realize that there is no question, when you see a raven. When you see a raven in person, there's no question and not only is there no question, you wonder how you could ever have thought a crow was a raven. It's laughable, while looking at the raven.

That's how finding this bird felt. I'd been picking up every SLB hen and going maybe this is actually WT? It could be SLB but maybe it's WT? But the second I laid eyes on her in the middle of a pack of SLB with some mixed colors, I knew I was looking at WT hen, and I can't imagine how I ever thought maybe an SLB hen was WT.

Here's a better photo of her chest and belly (she's beat UP from her previous home, the back of her head and most of her rump are plucked clean from males). You can see the white shafts and the white belly.

And some other pics of her, showing the grey-brown on her side and back- VERY different than the SLB hens

I can't express how stoked I am about this bird. This is the first time after a LOT of effort and time, that I have felt confident I am holding the bird I want.

She's also the indicator that I have a LOT of work ahead of me.

My end goal is to have birds that look like her, weigh 12-14oz, and lay large, blue eggs. I have birds that lay large, blue eggs, I have birds that weigh 12-14oz live weigh, and now I have at least 1 bird that looks like her, which means I can make more that look like her. The first step is cleaning the color mutations out of the celadon line without losing the celadon eggs. This is going to be a bit of a nightmare, BUT, I have a friend helping me out with getting a few celadons that are either WT or SLB (I'm guessing SLB all things considered) to start the work with. I will work over the winter to get a few more actual WT birds here, and to start crossing out the celadons with the SLB jumbos to clean out the other feather color mutations. Once I'm down to just SLB and celadon for mutations, I can clean the SLB out with the WT and roux lines.

This project will likely take me a good 2 years, maybe 3, to complete and then test breed to ensure I haven't lost the celadon gene and I don't have any hidden recessives lingering about. But just having the fucking materials to do it all on hand now is a huge step forward from where I was when I decided to start the project.

[mellowwillowy]

"Oh..." Your boyfriend secretly checked your scorecard before you did and was greeted with a line of miserable A until his eyes landed on a B. This would surely take a taxing toll on your mind.

"Hmm..."

He started to hum, what should he do? Hack through the website and change the inputted number for you? What if the scoring system was filed through physical form too?

I really hope you would just shrug it off and say your classic 'It had happened, what more could I do?' instead of stressing yourself with it.

Blue pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes squinted shut as he tried to find a solution for this. Your scholarship is at stake, edged to the despairing ending. But there might be chances that your scholarship was only a one-semester thing and this could ease the burden on your mind.

Hacking through the website system is not a problem but ensuring that your score is true to the one inputted online is the real problem here. Bribery would work but should he risk it all? Should he really taint something so pristine, something so you?

Jaw clenched tightly, the urge to throw the mouse across the room is increasing. Why must the professor go through such trouble to give you a ridiculous grade? The unreasonable one here is her and not you.

"God... dammit-!" With a flick of his wrist, the mouse shattered into pieces as it hit the ground. "This fucking pebble-like old hag, why must you trouble me with this bullshit." He cursed under his breath as though he was the one unbenefited from this instance, face darkened while his blue eyes glinted in fury.

Upon a moment of silence, Blue decided to save you from this headache. He started to work on his PC again, this time to hack through the website and change your supposed score into an A.

"Whatever, not a thing that I can't manage. I suppose a visit with a wrapped gun would work or whatever, maybe a wrapped nail-packed lunch... or just poisonous flower..." His mumblings were mostly drowned with the clackings of the keyboard, "or maybe just a branded bag... or something better."

Something of his forte.

"Maybe some fresh blackmail material... or perhaps, debt."

---

"Woahhh~! Look, Blue! Look! I aced it all! A whole A!"

Blue laughed at your excitement as he easily lifted you up and twirled you around, "Guess this call for a celebration? What about a trip to your favorite diner and bust all their menu?"

You urged him to drop you down before you hop excitedly, "Yes! Let's get them now!"

Chuckling to himself, he thought to himself, Today is our good day so I shouldn't bother myself with that old hag just yet. Maybe tomorrow, or the day after. Any day but today.

"Let's fill this tummy with its expected reward, come." He held you by your hand toward the front door.

[schizopositivity]

Whenever I make a post simply pointing out that a popular Internet trend it sanist/ableist and people should probably stop, I get tons of replies from people who are not schizo-spec or psychotic being like "but I think it's funny!!" or "how is that harmful? I haven't noticed it being harmful" or "how dare you sensor me!!!"

If you think this trend of blatant sanism/ableism is funny, that says a lot about you. You are kind of just exposing yourself for not caring about schizo-spec or psychotic people, and you are showing that again by arguing with me about what I find personally offensive. Also usually it literally isn't even that funny.

If you can't personally see how it is harmful to schizo-spec and psychotic people, then congratulations!!! You have the privilege of not experiencing the highly stigmatized symptoms that we do. Maybe you could use that privilege to listen to us and advocate for us, since your voice will be respected more by others who are not schizo-spec or psychotic.

And lastly, I do not have the power to sensor anyone. I don't own a social media website, and I am not part of any governing body. When I state my opinion on what is offensive to me and my community, who are a part of a highly stigmatized minority group, I have no power over what you can say. I am simply asking you to consider my point of view for a change, and it seems like you can't do that if you are immediately defensive.

All this is to say, please actually consider what I am saying before you argue. And obviously I'm not perfect, I can get things wrong, and I appreciate when people genuinely try to correct me when it comes to wording things properly or spelling. But for the most part, those posts are just me saying what I find offensive as a schizophrenic person, and comments like those ones feel like nonschizophrenic people arguing and saying I shouldn't be offended, or they just don't care and will continue anyway. Just please think about why you are defending something sanist/ableist to someone directly affected by it.

[missmarveledsblog]

A kind of sex education part 2 (platonic cas x winchesters x reader)

Summary : after the whole porn ordeal , castiel finds tumblr and the world of fanfiction has him asking more curious questions  which the residents of the bunker are not so happy to answer . 

warnings : mentions of smutty fics , cas being the curious baby in a trench coat we love .

After the whole angel porn ordeal , they were more careful with what cas was watching not wanting  history to repeat itself . Like monitoring a toddler on an iPad. Especially given that y/n wouldn't come out of her room for days not wanting to look any of them bar sam in the eyes .  Dean even limited his teasing when it came to the subject . Today he was luckily out while cas was on laptop , Sam and Y/N were looking over some incoming cases seeing which needed to be handled first .

" interesting this is very interesting " the angel spoke making them look over both slightly relieved not see or hear an explicit image on the laptop. 

" I've been on a interesting site that led me to many other over the last couple of days " he  spoke up .

" what was that buddy" she smiled over. Their joy short lived when he uttered the next few sentences out of his mouth .

" tumblr that led me to all these other sites , did you know there is fanfiction of us like the play we seen except it's classed as what they call smut " he looked up at the two .

" why didn't  I go on the supply run ,  why am I here when he finds this shit " she cursed up at the ceiling .

" could be nothing " sam offered a weak smile .

" did you know most popular is Dean x y/n fiction seems as though you are most shipped although there are some of Dean and sam with you too " he mused .

" but I could be wrong" sam winced taking the laptop off of cas completely .

" how do you find these things " he asked looking through the tabs .

" I'm very pop culture savvy now " cas said proudly . 

" what the hell man why are you reading all these " sam groaned wanting burning his eyes out seeing an explicitly  wrong image of Dean and himself (no to wincest) .  " you are actually popular with them Y/n " sam mused .

" that's after  that stupid ghost hunting  website and chuck " she grumbled  wondering where she was going to start her new life.

" hey there's even some with you and cas " he chuckled. 

" Alaska or maybe Australia would be better it further Away " she mused .

" wow these are extremely detailed " sam continued .

" would you call Dean daddy , the stories seem to think you would " cas asked .

" what the hell did I walk into " the man in question walked into the room .

" my resignation  " she mumbled hiding her head in her arms. 

" destiel  is another popular one " sam chuckled. 

" cas found smutty fanfictions " she looked up to see the clueless expression on Dean's face.

" they suggest that Y/n is a sub and you are a Dom " the angel stated.

" wanna see if they're right sweetheart " Dean winked .

" wanna kill me cause I can't be dealing with this" she countered wondering if she could also legally change her name.

" why are they so descriptive on the parts , have they seen them" cas sat looking between the three .

" the way Dean sleeps around they probably seen his " she reasoned.

" they also suggest you like..." .

" do not even finish that one" she growled .

"so many kinks cas did you google all these" sam asked eyes widening at the search history. 

" i was looking at chucks book and comments said to check out the tumblr versions " he said looking confused to what he did wrong. " they forgot to add that birthmark just below your tits " he added matter of factly .

" when did you see her ... what he got to see i didn't" dean turned to Y/n , who honestly rather be stuck with Crowley for eternity than this .

" he walked in while i was getting dressed and it not a birthmark it's a scar from a battle with an old favourite bra "she could feel her cheeks redder than they've been so far . "i'm going to my room to pack for my new life in australia" she stormed out her room .

" she's kidding right?" dean asked looking to the mean .

" you should dom her  and make her stay , they said she responds to good girl" cas explained .

" i wonder if she would let me come with her " sam mused walking out after her.  

another awkward dinner bobby was almost afraid to ask. Although dean was smiling more than the others.

" cas read fanfiction , pornographic fan fiction " dean explained .

" i've also read some theories too, like bobby is Y/N Dad and not her uncle" cas smiled making bobby choke on his water.

"  their theories cas they're not right ... right? " she laughed but stopped when she notice bobby expression or how he would barel look at her.

" i mean it's a possibility " he mused truthfully making her jaw drop

" great more daddy issue not like the place is drowning in them with these two " she pinched the bridge of her nose and point at sam and dean.

" so the theories of dean being her soulmate are true " cas asked.

" probably " dean shrugged winking at her .

" why did i ever come here, sam wanna move to australia with me " she ignored the other three men .

" look me and your mom had a brief thing , your dad well your dad agreed while he..." . 

" australia sound nice " sam agreed cutting bobby short .

" hey stop denying our love even nerds on internet think we'd be hot together"dean spoke up .

" cas from now on stop the curiosity or so help me i will make you eat the computer  " she  groaned learning too much information for the day .

"we need to do dna test " she turned to bobby .

" you can pick me up at 7 " she turned to dean before walking out leaving the men speechless . 

" i got punished" cas pouted .

" i got a kid  kinda " bobby gulped .

" i got a date " dean smirked .

" and i got a rock ... It's a thing on tiktok ... what cass isn't the only pop culture savvy one around here " sam shrugged .

part three

[luna-the-moth]

SHARE THE WORMS 🪱

SIDGFIOSD will do!

also note that i treat nrc like an actual college so all charas are aged up lol. gn! reader <3 mdni <3

im currently having thoughts about sub! azul with a reader who makes audio porn , , , if you're the ramshackle prefect, audio porn is a confidential, safer way to make money compared to onlyfans or camming, so it's been something you use to pay the bills or buy necessities crowley is stingy on providing...

you don't advertise it or anything, but you've gone up in the ranks in terms of popularity since you've began, mostly due to your flexibility and hours spent studying other audio porn creators.

azul isn't partial to the majority of pornography out there- there's not enough emotional impact for him to truly become invested unless he's truly and deeply pent up. but when he finds out audio porn is a thing (mainly bf/gf audios), he's intrigued. oftentimes, he'll go to an incognito window on his phone once he's done his nightly routine and settles in, letting him fall asleep to the sweet nothings of an imaginary lover. (he imagines it's you, really).

but he's a fickle thing, and often spends time scouring the pages of different forums and websites in order to find someone whose voice is similar to you.

it's never quite enough, but it's usually enough to satiate his desires.

that is, until he hears a familiar voice and is jolted awake. it's you.

it can't be...can it?

he's frantic, and proceeds to listen to your entire archive, touching himself until he's made a mess of himself over and over again until he falls asleep from exhaustion and spends the next day in a haze, questions about last night's finding cropping up like weeds.

is it really you? if so, why did you start this? it's not a secret crowley doesn't give you much of an allowance, but he didn't realize this is where you had earned your other madol- do you cater your audios to the type of person you'd be attracted to, or are you trying to appeal to a larger audience?

is there a person you're imagining yourself speaking to when you record these?

the possibility of you thinking of him while recording these audios, maybe even touching yourself to the thought of him when creating these...it makes his head spin.

he listens to your audios again that night, and the night after. if this is the position you feel comfortable with in your audios, then perhaps your preferences lay in the croons of your praise and degradation...he'll make sure to note that and test out his theory in the future <3

a/n: i loveeee the concept of any of the boys with a reader making audio porn/the idea of some of the boys making audio porn so lmk if u want to hear more ab other characters lolol!

[benchspkmnirlhub]

How to interact with Pokemon IRL blogs that are radically different from yours

Note: This will be assuming that both blogs are open to interacting with any other type of blog. If the blog you're trying to interact with does not allow interactions with your blog type, then I'm afraid this guide won't be of much use. Sorry.

It's been pointed out more and more recently that the Pokemon IRL community has become more and more compartmentalized, for lack of a better word. Subcommunities are having less and less interactions with each other.

I'm not mad at anyone, but this is a problem. Which is why I'm making this guide, to help facilitate interactions between subcommunities!

Part 1: Don't be scared

First of all, I know it can be scary to interact with blogs you haven't interacted with before. But what have you got to lose? Worst case scenario, they say you can't interact with them, and things stay the way they are. In most cases, though, you'll get a new person to interact with! It's near impossible for reaching out to be a net loss, because the worst thing that can happen is that nothing changes.

So go for it! Interact with that blog you've been eyeing! Make a new friend!

But you might not know what to say. And that's what the rest of this guide is for!

Part 2: Read the intro post

Intro posts are very important! They let you know a lot of relevant things about the blog. It can be very difficult to interact with a blog without an intro post, so make sure to make one and pin it!

With that out of the way, read the intro post of the blog you're wanting to interact with! Read through it fully, and see if there's anything that sticks out as a possible interaction point.

If you can't find anything, read through a few more posts. There might be something happening that you can jump in on!

Part 3: Differences in Canons

Your blog and the blog you're wanting to interact with most likely have some differences in canons. Maybe they're a PMD blog and yours is a Ranger blog. Maybe they're post-Sword and Shield while yours has them ongoing. Maybe they're a Faller blog and yours is someone who's a fan of the media that Faller is from.

And that's ok! Part of the fun of Pokemon IRL is that not everyone follows the same canon.

Luckily, one thing that is accepted canon for 99% of Pokemon IRL blogs I've seen, is the multiverse!

Not every blog takes place in the same universe. The website that Pokemon IRL takes place on is multiversal, and connects to a vast variety of worlds.

Don't be discouraged if someone else's blog canon doesn't match up exactly with yours. Use it to your advantage! If your blog and someone else's blog have a canon difference, that's a possible interaction! Have your character comment on the difference, and watch things play out!

Part 4: First Interaction through an Ask

If you found something through your reading that you see as a potential interaction point, then it's time to interact!

The easiest way to interact with blogs for the first time, from my experience, are asks, so I'll cover those first.

First, it's completely fine to have a "default" ask that you send to blogs you want to interact with. Heck, I do it myself, with Tropius' "what's your favorite thing about humans" asks.

Besides that, though, I recommend @-ing your blog in your ask. That way, they'll know it's from your blog, and you can spring off into a full interaction from there.

You can also send asks on anon, and then when they reply to it, reply back via a reblog on one of your blogs.

Any of these methods are perfectly valid!

Part 5: First Interaction through a Reblog

When reading through the blog of the person you want to interact with, you might see a post that catches your eye, one that you feel like you could interact with directly. In these cases, a reblog might work best.

Simply start a reblog to that post, add whatever your character wants to say, and post! And with that, you've initiated an interaction!

Part 6: An Example

Let's say that we have a blog called mcdeinosofficial, a regular person working at the restaurant McDeinos. And let's say that they want to interact with a blog called throughtheoceanoftime, a PMD blog that's about an Explorers protag team.

Reading through the pinned post of throughtheoceanoftime, the person behind mcdeinosofficial sees that they have a Deino on their team who's a chef. Having an idea for an interaction, the person behind mcdeinosofficial sends the ask "Please tell me that McDeinos doesn't exist in whatever whacko alternate dimension you're in."

And an interaction begins! The two blogs, now introduced to each other, can interact with each other freely.

I hope this guide helps you all interact with more blogs!

If any of you have any questions, please let me know, and I'll do my best to answer them!

[bubbleberrypunch]

Ohhhh my god, this would fit so well as a shuggy AU

Buggy gets caught up in all the chaos of the robbery and hides out in a secluded space, but the robbers find him and- they pause. Just completely freeze where they stand. And then they're scrambling back while mumbling up a frenzy between themselves about how that's "him", he's "the guy". "Boss would kill us if we touched him!" So, Buggy is left there cowering on the floor in absolute confusion because what the fuck is going on??? The robbers leave, police come, Buggy sneaks out to go back home since he doesn't wanna talk to the cops (he's definitely done/doing illegal stuff).

He's home and that's when he decides to do some research, which is just looking through news channels and websites and social media ect ect. He's about to just go to bed when he sees that it's suspected the RHG ((Red Hair Gang (dumb name, in Buggy's opinion)) is behind the robbery, among other things. Buggy blows a major fuse when he reads who their leader is. Fucking Shanks. The red haired boy Buggy grew up with and left in the past. HE'S A CRIME LORD NOW!? And he obviously told people about Buggy- Buggy does NOT want to be caught up in gangs and shit. Why did Shanks even talk about him? What for?? God, and Buggy just moved back to his home city a few months ago, he doesn't need this! He slams his laptop closed and starts calling up contacts on his phone; he needs to find Shanks ASAP!

Okay, maybe he was being rash. Because once he finished calling people to look for more information, he finally went to bed. Wakes up in the morning and the realization dawns on him: HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE SHANKS! Why the hell would he want to go see that bastard?! Wouldn't that just make things worse??? It'd be better for him to just forget about it and not go chasing ghosts. Right, so he gets up with the final decision that he isn't going to do anything at all and will stay at home today. And then there's knocking on his door. Buggy instantly breaks out in a cold sweat. Creeping along his hallway, stumbling through his living room, hesitantly standing at the door and sees someone he doesn't recognize through the peep hole. His breathing becomes shaky, jumps out of his skin when the person knocks again with a tad bit more aggression. His hand is trembling when he slowly reaches up to turn the door knob (Gah! He forgot to lock the damn door! Is he trying to get killed?!). Buggy cracks the door open a sliver to peer out at the stranger before him.

"You Buggy?" The unknown man asks, staring straight into Buggy's soul.

"Uh, y-yes...?"

"Come with me." He makes a motion to follow him while turning to walk off.

"Why the hell should I?! I don't know who you are!" Buggy grips the door so tight his fingertips become pale.

"My boss wants to see you." The guy stands there, half turned, and staring at him with thinly veiled annoyance.

Tapping his fingers against the door in quick succession, eyes darting here and there to avoid any more eye contact, Buggy tries to come up with- with something! Anything! He needs to stall for time.

"C-Can I at least get dressed...? Before we go? I just got out of bed, you see...", he trails off and lets out a nervous chuckle. The man heaves a big sigh, shoulders drooping, and nods his head yes. Closing the door in a somewhat calm matter, Buggy all but scrambles back to his bedroom.

Oh, no! That's definitely one of Shanks's henchmen, isn't it? It's very clear now that when you go around asking about gang leaders, word travels fast. Way too fast for Buggy's liking, that's for sure! He can't go. He absolutely cannot! What's Buggy going to do? He's trapped! Tears roll down his face because he's highly emotional, and his vision blurs while he gets dressed into his normal day wear. He takes a glance at his bedroom window...

Yeah, he's clambering out the window. Falls out of said window, the metal he lands on is not comfortable in the least, and then he begins climbing down the fire escape. He'll just hide out at one of his friends', probably go to Alvida's place. Stay there for a few days, lay low until he's sure no one will be hovering over his home for when he gets back. As soon as he's got just a few more ladder rungs to go, the ground is right there under him, Buggy is yanked and thrown off! No! So close! Buggy is now being held by someone who clearly did training of some kind, his ribs are gonna splinter. So, there wasn't just one guy here to retrieve him. Great.

Buggy is dragged from the alley and towards a black vehicle, all but tossed into the backseat. He sees through the tinted window the first guy walking out of the apartment building and to the driver's side, the second man sits in the front seat.

"Put your seatbelt on."

A withering sigh leaves him as he reluctantly obeys. Guess that's it, huh? There's no escape now, unless he wants to jump out of a moving vehicle and risk getting fatally injured. At least Buggy had enough sense to grab his phone- if he ends up being held against his will at wherever he's being taken, his friends can just track it. Closing his eyes and crossing his arms tight across his chest, hunching in over himself, he leans his head against the window.

[foone]

One thing I think about a lot is that how omegaverse is a sort of meta-setting that can and has been applied to many different fandoms, right?

So there's "omegaverse supernatural" (because that's where it started) and "omegaverse star trek" and "omegaverse Frasier" and "omegaverse Batman" and "omegaverse US presidents".

You can basically easily apply it to any fandom with lots of men in it, which turns out to be most of them. (and you can apply it to the rare female-majority fandoms with a bit of extra work).

But the interesting thing to me is that omegaverse depends on characters having subgenders: alpha/beta/omega are effectively gender roles on top of the regular male/female ones, but they're ones not specified in the original fiction, right? (I mean, not usually).

So like, you can watch NewsRadio and it makes it pretty clear Dave is a man, but it never specifies if he's an alpha or omega, because why would it? Also, why is my go-to example of a random sitcom one from 1995?

Anyway. So you've got a bunch of characters with canonical genders (not that that has ever stopped fans from headcanoning them as different! Dave is a trans man, Lisa is a trans woman, and Bill? All Phil Hartman characters are closeted trans women, so jot that down), but you don't have canonical subgenders.

So fans have to decide which characters in a fiction are alphas and omegas and so on. They tend to be pretty consistent for most characters, actually.

But the part that interests me despite not really reading omegaverse stuff is just those headcanons.

Like, I can take a show I know well, like say Star Trek: The Next Generation, and find out what the fans think their subgenders are.

Like, I'm gonna guess that Riker and Worf are alphas. Picard could go either way. LaForge is an omega, Data is... An android, but he's had sex, so... I'm gonna guess alpha? O'Brien is an omega, but that's mostly going off DS9. Maybe he wasn't in TNG yet? Wesley I'm guessing gets headcanoned as omega.

And see, now I can go look at ao3 and see what other people think for these! And for some reason that's way more interesting to me than just reading any omegaverse fic.

I think we should do more of this sort of shit. I mean, I guess we kinda do for things like top/bottom, dom/sub, trans/cis, but I demand more subgenders! Subgenders that aren't depicted in the fiction but fans have to headcanon.

I kinda want to make a sort of wiki website which works by scraping ao3 tags and assigning alpha/beta/omega to characters from shows, basically a fan vote on how people headcanon the subgenders of these characters.

Anyway I checked and oh boy yeah everyone says Wesley is an omega. Apparently Zefram Cochrane is an omega too.

And the one fic I saw with Data in it made him an omega. Huh. Interesting.

I dunno. It's weird: I've got no interest in reading a fic where these characters fuck in their weird omegaverse ways, but I can't not be interested in knowing how fans headcanon them.

[this-is-a-name-dont-worry]

things that seemed reoccurring this update:

- Meat

- peas

- jelly

- Hibernation

- Eddie's absence

- Acting out a script (Sally mumbling asking if it's her cue and Howdy changing the script of the narrator in Homewarming storybook, characters general interactions with the narrator, different moments in the video, like the Sally and Frank ad break or the song a barely silent night, where the two literally fight over who get to sing, Sally mentions she wrote the lyrics, and Frank says she already has a song. yeah all of these are easy to see as meta goofs in the original material, but it's the fact there's so much of it this update) (of course all this wrap up with the end of the video where Eddie and Frank are obviously acting off script)

- Being alone (Eddie not having any news of anyone and not even seeing anyone outside (which is interesting as the story says that Sally was up in a tree near his home and saw him fret over having nothing to do), Wally saying it's so quiet during Homewarming and it's just he and Home for a while (potentially the show putting out a christmas special and then being on break? can a show do that?), and in the normal website material, the end of "An ode to hibernation", Frank saying "Where all that's left is me", the "me" being a "...me?")

- Welcome Home being used to sell stuff (cigarettes, medicine, eggnog, cereals, and the cookbook lists ingredients that are a specific brand)

(I'm putting under read more my rambling thoughts so you can just reblog the list without having to see them)

so I can't really make sense yet of all the food stuff. Maybe there are cultural elements/expressions I don't know that explains it? But I still find it very interesting how fucking unhinged that cookbook is yet the commercial and the website treat it normally. The cookbook is overall extremely interesting, because some of the recipes seem to actually be written by the characters; Barnaby who only presents you weird hot dog dressings with pictures but no recipe (and all jokes), Frank who lists not just the ingredients but also the material, and overexplain each steps (at least overexplain compared to the other recipes. it's actually interesting to know why you do x or y), and Julie who turns her recipe into a game at the end, and felt a bit harder to follow? anyway.

The cookbook, the Homewarming tradition of hanging a ham in the tree, Santy Claus being said sometimes instead of Santa, the ham for Santa? Once again, the christmas commercials being so casual about some of the weird stuff it says and presents? This almost feels like an alien who only has a blurry grasp of Christmas and what humans enjoy made the cookbook and the live commercial.

Sometimes, Welcome Home feels like it never actually aired and produced things, but we're making it retroactively exist. Something is making it exist. Like a retcon of the universe, "What do you mean you never heard of Welcome Home? No, of course it always existed and was very popular, look at all this old material we find!"

So maybe whatever is making it exist doesn't fully get humans and accidentally creates things that are weird to prove its existence. Like a cookbook that tells you a single pea in a buttered plate is a classic meal, or that of course you give Santa ham on Homewarming! (tbh almost getting an AI weirdness feel)

But in total contrary, in its story, Welcome Home also feels like it always existed, but got somehow completely wiped from people's mind, as something caused its sudden stop, and its characters gained consciousness of what they are and their world. As an existential dread fell on them one after the other, slowly realizing something isn't right. As Eddie felt anxiety and nervousness over no one being there or contacting him, to then having the story acts lightheartedly about it, the narrator saying things have been solved but he doesn't feel it, and suddenly Home is staring at him.

Both "It never existed but the universe is being retcon into it existing" and "it existed but something terrible happened that erased it from peoples mind" seem plausible. If two theories contradict each other, that means there's a third one that needs to be found.

Maybe it existed. Maybe it truly was popular, but something corrupted it, leading to its disappearance. A disappearance so big it stopped to exist. And now the thing that corrupted it is trying to crawl back, make it exist again, but it's making it come back completely off.

Anyway.

Also, I think the show may have been on hold during the Holiday season, "hibernating", and the character who got some self awareness realized that something was off. They're alone because there's nothing new, so no one is there bringing life to the neighborhood.

[lemoncrushh]

This is why I haven't been writing...

This got long, but I had to say it.

The lack of feedback has always been something writers struggle with, at least in the ten years I've been on tumblr. It's nothing new. But it feels like instead of improving, it's gotten even worse.

Years ago, I had a long-time mutual bash me for complaining about it, calling me entitled. I was upset about it then, but here's the thing...I am entitled. And so is every other writer on here. We are all entitled to a little feedback and interaction. That's what we're here for.

I understand the drought we're in without any new Harry content. But I would think that would bring even more readers. Instead, it's crickets. There are a handful of popular writers on here who constantly receive asks and get interaction, and I am in no way saying they don't deserve it. They absolutely do. But the rest of us do too.

Writing fanfiction is not a job. We do this shit for free. But it's still as time-consuming as a real job. And to only get likes with very few random reblogs here and there is very disheartening. We are content creators. I understand tumblr may not be like other apps and websites, but it's still content. And likes here mean nothing. It's not like on tikok or instagram where the algorithm somehow keeps track of likes. On tumblr it doesn't mean shit. Your like is not going to make my post show up on someone else's dash. The only way to get content shared on this app is to actually SHARE IT. That's what the reblog button is for.

Imagine how a content creator on any other platform would feel if they got no feedback. If nobody was interacting with them, they would probably get their feelings hurt and eventually pack it in. That is now I feel now. Tbh, I can't believe I've been here this long. If this were a job or a relationship, and I was telling someone else about how long I've been doing this with little to no reciprocation...they would shake their heads at me and tell me I was a fucking fool and I needed to get out of this situation.

Am I getting on my high horse? Damn right I am. I have been biting my tongue for far too long. I have made so many excuses over the years...that fic was too personal and didn't appeal to the mass audience, that fic was an AU and not everyone likes AUs, that fic was too long and most tumblr readers don't read chaptered fics, that fic had such-and-such trope that readers don't like, there are too many writers here now, nobody reads that kind of fic anymore they only want smut, that fic was too smutty, you're just too old and nobody likes you anymore...yes I've told myself all of it. And maybe I'll never really know why you guys don't like my fics or why you won't interact with me. All I know is I'm sick of trying.

I had - and actually still HAVE - loads of ideas for Harry fics. I am honestly so sad that I may never write them. But I just can't bring myself to get motivated and excited to write something when nobody gives a damn.

This definitely turned into a rant, but it's how I feel. I used to really like it on here, but that joy is long gone. Things really changed after the pandemic, and the newer fans don't seem to use tumblr the way we used to - and the older fans like me have mostly left or only pop in sporadically when something happens.

I was never here for likes. I'm bored just scrolling through pictures. Fandom to me was all about interaction and about finding people who loved the thing you loved. Nobody here gives a shit anymore.

I love Harry Styles. And tbh I still love fanfiction. I'm not deleting my blog because I deleted my heart-attack-harry one I'd had for years back in 2021, and I regretted it. This one will remain. And I'll still pop in now and then to read. But my heart is just not in the writing anymore.

Court

[italianpersonwithashippersheart]

We Are The Series: Why I Didn't Like It

I am writing this for the 3 people on this website who completed this but didn't love it.

@automaticpenguincreation tagging you because we talked about this and I said I would. Also chatting with you is what made me want to finally say something.

Disclaimers (Please Read Them):

I am going to be critical in this post, not hateful, I don't hate this show, but critical. Engage in good faith if you can, If you can't don't.

I do not want my criticism to be dismissed saying I must not be getting it. I spend weeks making sure I got it. Read all the praise and even reblogged the occasional post because I see the value this show has for people. All I am saying is that I don't like this.

Again some of my later critics are about the choices that were made in this series. I understand that a lot of what I am about to critique was made on porpouse and is indeed part of the appeal.

I have seen maybe 1 post on tumblr being overly critical (@bengiyo post and I guess mine) I don't know where people got the impression that this show is being hated. But If you geniuly want to know why some people might have not liked this show you can read my thoughts and see for yourself.

I have watched and enjoyed stuff like this before. I am not making any moral judgement on you. Just because I don't like this doesn't mean you can't like it.

Part One: Pros

I am going to start with the good things. My honest review of this show is: It's a Mid University BL that is doing something different with the friendship and quietly subverting a couple of of classical Uni BL tropes.

I can see how that would have valued for people that watched all the Uni BL. I get that part of the appeal.

The friendships in this show are very good, they are framed as just as important if not more important then the romances. And I appriciate that. It's also one of the only two realtionships the show set up writing wise and spend any ammount of writing effort making you want to root for. Chain and Pun being the other one.

Pon being added to the cast late and them having to reshoot things were handled beautifully, you can't actually tell there was ever any issues at all and it feels like Pon was always meant to be there.

PondPhuwin story with the you must be my slave bit was handled pretty well. It certantly could have done worse. I think the story does a pretty good job writing the resolution in a satisfying manner.

I can tell that this meant a lot to people both fans and the cast and crew. All art is subjective. Just because I don't feel any value from this doesn't mean it doesn't have it.

The story is escapism, it deliberately downplays all the negative bits of life and of queer life to make a fluffy cute show. It is a similar appeal to My School President. I can't find the post that talked about that anymore, but indeed the appeal of My School President is that for the majority of the story they just get to be normal high schoolers and this is treated like a normal romance.

I have always seen the homophobia at the end of MSP not as a break in the format but a sign our boys were growing up, almost out of the protective halls of high school (in the specific bubble version of high school the story set up) and into the real world.

That is the appeal of We Are the series. Which is why in my personal opinion it's not a pure slice of life series (which wasn't ever said in the negative at least by me), it certentaly might have slice of life inspirations, and it might be using a similar structure (see @shortpplfedup post's comparing this to Hospital Playlist a show I didn't see but I have seen called Slice of Life by multiple other people). I don't personally feel like a show can be slife of life and escapism at the same time. You are 100% free to have a different opinion on this.

I am not going to give it more praise simply because the website is full of praise for this show and because those are the main points that i enjoyed.

Part Two: Cons

Let's start with the big one the plot has no throughline (I first encounter this term on this website which I highly reccomend the TLDR is: A throughline is the core "problem" of a show, the part of the structure that ties all the events together).

Exemples of throughline from a slice of life ql I watched recentely (and I am simplying to use this as an exemple). She Loves To Cook and She Loves to eat: Our main girls are alone, they go through life missing a connection, they both have needs that could be met by another person. During the course of the story they form a connect to each other and other people. They form a bond. The story ends with them moving in together, permanentely affirming that they are a unit now, and therefor will never go through life alone again. The "problem" of the start is resolved.

We Are the Series doesn't have that. And it doesn't have that by desing. Uni BL usual throughline is main relationship but they can do that here. What I would have put as the throughline is the friendships. Making the "problem" is the friendship group of long time friends going to survive Uni and various romantic relationships.

But the show doesn't that, because that would mean having arcs, and conflict and that is something the show doesn't want to do to not hurt the escapism.

It is a stylistic choice I don't like but it doesn't I understand why it wasn't made.

This is why to some people it feels like We Are the Series doesn't have a story. It is very common for story with no throughline to give that feeling to people.

Events happen, characters made decision, they talk to each other. But it doesn't feel like it has a narrative plot.

It is also why it doesn't have a classical climax. I know we clown a lot on episodes 11 and penultimate episodes of BLs and some of them are not well handled and too dramtic, or too high stakes for the resolution we are going to get. But the reason we get those it's because it's a climax, the highest point of tension in the story.

She Loves To Cook and She Loves to Eat climax is the problems with finding a place to go, because that is the highest point of tension of the throughline. We Are the series had no conflicts in the penultimate episodes because it doesn't have anything to raise, the story has no tension what so over.

Conflict and Tension don't just mean break up and fight scenes, a low key slice of life story can have both tension and conflict the exemple GL I have given has both.

As I mention before the only thing this show had any interesting in setting up and writing with any sort of effort was the friendships and ChainPun.

The reason why I feel like ChainPun were the best written ship is because all the other ships assume your engagement instead of writing reasons to make us care.

Tangent to explain what I mean: Back when playbooy was airing I exchanged a couple of mgs with @my-rose-tinted-glasses talking about not being able to get attached to any of the character. In my answear I said I started the series already attached because I was keeping up with the characters and plot and got pre-excited about it. So my investment was already high.

I think something similar is happening with We Are the series and the known ships. What I mean is most of the people watching this have already seen at least one show with almost all the main pair. We know what their deal is, what their chemestry is, what their dynamic will be like. The details might be different but we already know them. And I feel like the writing of the series relyed on this fact too much. I don't think there was any effort being made into making you root for them. Maybe PondPhuwin having to write the resolution to you must be my slave plotline. But that is it.

AouBoom get together at episode 5. We barely know anything about either of them, Fang is such a non character at the point I could maybe tell you three things about him. I am not sure how I am supposed to care about them except for the fact that it is AouBoom and I have seen and loved them in other shows and like many people desperately want them to be mains.

ChainPun was the only expeption, they had to use crumbs and a slow writing and only making them get together at the end because they are the only ship we never saw before. The only ships the writer couldn't assume you the audience already be invested in from the get go. (Also why I was at this point near the end only invested in them much like @respectthepetty)

I want to be super clear about something: I AM NOT CRITICISING YOU THE AUDIENCE FOR THIS RESPONSE. I am criticising the writing for relying on that response and not writing any extra stuff that would help with engement. God knows that I will be guilt of the same thing in other shows. I get pre-invested in shows with Cooheart or Fluke Natouch just because I love those two actors. And If I ever get my Fluke Natouch criminal fucked up character of my dreams in a modern bl that show will be my forever fave are you kidding, they could mess up everything but that character and it would be a 10 out of 10. I am not immune to investing in something just because you love a ship or the actors. I am just saying the writing could have done more to support the ships and assume that would be a small % of the viewers that needed more time and proper writing to get attached to the other ships.

Another big problem for me was something that actually happened to me before with playboyy. See at some point my the middle of Playboyy I realized that the show was never going to have the time to actually go has deep into characters and relationship dynamic they set up as much as I wanted them to. So my emotional engement wained a bit. I still had a lot of fun with it. But I wasn't as much into it as I was in the beggining emotionally speaking. With We Are the Series I realized that pretty much at the begging and got confirmation at episode 5 when AouBoom's character just got together like that. With no arc, no story, no effort. And I know that a story was there, We were told that. But I would have liked to have seen the story instead of it being told to us later.

And I know I am not the only one that found the WinnySatang resolution to be lacking and a little off. You can see @heretherebedork post x x x x about it, I agree with them.

Part Three: Conclusion

Ultimately this show is mid. It's value comes from escapism and the fact that it came out right now, amongs other more plot heavy bls and experimental genre dips. That it does something a little different then all the other Uni BL that came before. And that is actors we already know and love.

It's average for me. But it obviosly meant something for people and that matters.

I want to leave this review but again point out, critiques are not hate, a person not liking a show you like is not an attack on you or your judgement. I know it can be upsetting I have been there. I make a lot of effort to understand different POVs of shows and trying to see what the other person saw in this media, and what kind of life biases (bias as in we all have them, art is subjective and we all look at it according to who we are as people) could make them feel the way they do.

If you do like this show and have read this full post thank you, even if you disagree with me.

I want to leave you with this Italian Idiom: Il mondo è bello perchè è vario. The world is beautiful because its varied.

[jewish-vents]

Goyim are wearing on my last nerve. I get the Mr. Rogers "look for the helpers" quote thrown at me regularly, people go "oh just don't watch/read/listen to them" when I mention someone being antisemitic, and act as if Jewish people who are upset are at fault for looking at something we knew would make us upset. And that's just not how this works.

I have never gone out of my way to look at something that makes me upset once in my entire life. I block people and stop using sites that upset me. I installed a Firefox extension to help filter content. I unsubscribed from every YouTuber that I used to watch who was antisemitic, installed an add-on to make them never come up in my feed, and installed an add-on to hide comments underneath videos from me. I've had to drop all my friends. I don't do anything to be visibly Jewish. I avoid any political content anywhere I see it. I have so, so many words filtered on multiple sites.

And the stuff that's allegedly my responsibility to just not watch/read/etc finds me anyway.

Try to watch YouTube? Antisemitism. Try to look at some fanart? Antisemitism. Watch the news? There it is. Searching for a D&D group? It pops up yet again. Look for some Animal Crossing design codes? Once more, with feeling. Walk to the dining hall from my dorm? Right there, in my face, yelling full volume. Go to class? The professors will make it a routine feature of lectures. Walk to the grocery store and back to get food so you can avoid the encampment? The cashiers are chatting about (((the Jews))). Search for something on Etsy for your mom's birthday? It's in the search results. Open up a website you go to for recipes because you want to cook until you feel less stressed? "Top 10 Recipes Stolen By Israelis". Buy a book at the used bookstore to read to take your mind off of things? An entire display is all anti-Israel books, right there to greet you when you walk in. Go to the thrift store to donate things you made or repaired? Your reward for this good deed is a sign in the window with the 'from the mountains to the sea' quote. Go home for a weekend to hang out with your family and naively think in a little town you wouldn't encounter antisemitism? Right-wing people drunk on conspiracy theories talk about their baseless beliefs right on the street where you can hear it through the windows.

There's this thing in psychology called DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. And it perfectly sums up the "nice" goyim's responses. The world isn't the offender, it's you. You're not being hurt, you're the one weighing everyone down with their negativity. They never address the root issue, that being that antisemitism is rampant, they just divert their attention onto something else, something pleasant to think about.

The problem with DARVO, like other abuser tactics, is that if you use it too often, it stops being effective. 11 months in, it's over the threshold. I am no longer going to feel guilty for noticing things are messed up.

If you don't want me to notice it, then change it. The easiest way to get people to stop complaining about the state of the world is to make it even marginally less bad, just enough we can convince ourselves there's hope for the future. But goyim can't do that, because that would take effort and involve admitting they have maybe done a single thing wrong in their lives. And their whole self-confidence rests upon the lie that is abdicating themselves from responsibility for their own actions.

I used to be angry at them. Now I'm annoyed at myself for ever expecting better. Genuinely, I do not know why I ever thought they were capable of being any better than they are now. There was nothing going on to prove to me that they had the capacity to be decent to other people when it wouldn't get them public praise, and most goyim are motivated entirely by extrinsic validation from their peers.

There is no anger left. There's just disappointment. And it's not even disappointment in them, because this is the best that they can do.

.

[copperbadge]

Every so often I get an Anon ask where I'm not entirely comfortable responding in public with no cut or warnings ahead of the text -- it's not that anything inappropriate is being said, it's just sometimes the subject matter's a little rough. This is one of those, so I decided to copy and paste it and put it behind a cut; warnings for discussion of abuse and fraught familial situations.

You've spoken about having ADHD before, and i was wondering if you have any links to websites with resources for adults with ADHD that are more than the very generic "stay organised!", "eat healthily!", "avoid distractions!" things? like, something that explains ADHD and WHY getting organised is good, maybe? or how ADHD may intersect with anxiety? my mother finally went to a doctor and got (as i expected) an ADHD diagnosis, but the doctor told her medication wouldn't give her much at this point, which is fine, but she's just kept going as usual for her, which is not.

she has ignored everything i've told her before (like, to think ahead and prioritise, to make plans, to make lists, that she has to be systematic about it, to stay calm because if she has a plan everything should be done on time) but she ignores me. she just starts doing whatever, whenever, and then getting annoyed/anxious that "nothing" is done, and then she starts yelling at me.

i just want her to realise she MUST at least attempt to be organised, and that it's not just for work stuff, it's for everything, including every day stuff like chores. (also, i'd like to stop being yelled at. like, some of my first memories are of getting yelled at. it's been years and years of regular bouts of screaming. now i know it's her and not me, and i'd. like it to stop)

i apologize for the huge ask/rant, but yeah, do you know of any resources that explain the importance of being organised? i think if i show her something 'official' maybe she'll start doing it. or do you have any personal tips for talking to her about it? or a book about someone's experience with ADHD? anything. anything at all.

So there is...much to unpack here, as the kids say, both in terms of what you are asking directly and what you are not asking but what I'm going to address anyway. I don't have any great resources for what you're looking for, because neurodiversity comes in a lot of shapes and sizes even within a single diagnosis, and as you likely know I'm a big proponent of doing-what-works, and that's something a person has to figure out for themselves. A lot of people seem to find ADDitude very relatable and they are informative, but that's probably the best general resource out there to go deeper than surface, and a good place for her to start reading if she wants to.

But the real problem, Anon, is that she's never going to listen to you.

That seems like a real bold statement, but it is also extremely likely to be true. Most people who get a diagnosis start to work on themselves and learn more about their unique neurology; it's clear she's not going to do that, and you can't make her. I'm sure some of it is that she's been told her entire life, by people with much more power over her than you, to do those things: be organized, make lists, have a plan. They are the hardest things for people with ADHD to do, and she can't simply whip herself through them, and so she learned long ago to ignore anyone saying anything about it. Medication could help with that a lot, actually, so your mother's doctor really fucked you both by telling her it wouldn't do anything for her; whether she's taken that as permission to ignore the problem or whether she just believed him, he did a really shitty thing in doing that.

Your mother is neurologically incapable of forcing herself to do many things that neurotypical people find easy. There are workarounds, yes; some of us do extremely well if we decide that EVERYTHING has to be planned, and behave accordingly. Some of us find stopgaps. But that has to be a decision she makes, to find workarounds for herself. It's not something you can offer her with helpful websites or books, because she is also likely very deep in shame about it, to judge from her other behaviors. That's not your fault, which means it's also not your job to fix it.

And here's the other problem: you are in an abusive home situation where your mother is taking out her frustration with her mental illness by hurting you.

And that really really sucks and I'm really, really sorry. But the screaming-at-you, which absolutely should not be happening, is a result of decades of frustration at the world that won't accommodate her, combined with an inability to regulate her emotions. Unless she is medicated or learns better regulation or at least picks a different target, it's not going to stop. That's not your fault either. Some of it isn't even her fault. (Some of it is; mental illness is not our choice but it is our responsibility, and she is not behaving as either an adult or a parent should in abusing you because she can't find somewhere else to put all her emotions.)

Presumably you are either too young to leave or can't afford to, but the best possible thing you can do for yourself is get out as soon as you can, sever yourself from her financially, and then decide what level of interaction you want with her going forward. Honestly, may be the best thing for her as well, to realize that if she doesn't make a change, she will lose access to her child.

I realize that is almost certainly not immediately possible, however. Do not leave if you are going to a less safe situation, either. Be smart and strategic -- make your plans and prepare as much as possible ahead of time.

"So in the meantime, Sam, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

Bearing in mind that we are going to assume you cannot help your mother, as she either doesn't want help or is in denial or both, the best thing you can do if you can't get out is to shore yourself up: remind yourself as regularly as possible that none of this is your fault, and do your best to protect yourself both emotionally and physically. IE, if she's not organized enough to buy groceries or cook, do what you can to make sure you are regularly fed -- do not concern yourself with whether she eats. That's her responsibility, she's a grownup. If you are likely to be yelled at for this -- well, she was always going to yell at you about something; it might as well be as a result of you caring for yourself first. As much as you can, spend time away from her if possible.

Given her past behavior, especially if you are an only child or oldest sibling, you may already be de-facto head of household; this may be simply a process of assuming actively that she can't fulfill that role, and doing what you can to care for yourself and any siblings. If you have other family who understand the situation, I strongly suggest tapping them for help. As much as you can, reach out to adults in your life you trust, and get their help in caring for yourself and your family without needing to depend on her for support.

I don't wish to stigmatize mental illness or addiction but living with someone in denial about the impact of their mental health on those around them is exactly like living with an addict: the best strategy is to expect nothing from them, remind yourself often that you are not to blame for this situation, look out for yourself first and foremost, and get out once you can. I'm really sorry it has to be that way, because it shouldn't be. But I'm concerned with you, not with her, and if you want to build a better life for yourself, it's going to have to be one that doesn't depend on you being able to change someone else.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of books for you about that, either. I wish you all the luck -- you shouldn't need it, but unfortunately sometimes we still do.

[bbanghiitomi]

| when things don't go your way

synopsis: what do you call someone you're not dating but someone in your arms? hanni asks that question herself often but always comes to the same answer: which is you.

— nonidol!filmstudent!phanni! × nonidol!journalismstudent!fem!reader

ლ⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠ლ⁠) ლ⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠ლ⁠) ლ⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^⁠ლ⁠) ლ⁠(⁠^⁠o⁠^

honey ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ

y/n, are u not coming to see me?

i miss you already...

haven't seen you for a month.

how's ur org doing?

received.

you find yourself smiling as you read her messages, it seems like just the casual hi and hello's, the simple updates that friends are supposed to be sharing with each other aren't enough to satisfy the pham's need to be able to see your face, hear your voice and touch you. she's right actually, the last time you've seen each other was a month ago, before your journalism organization started being busy once again and her life has been a lot more boring ever since. there have been lots of restless nights where you think to yourself that there's no such rest as good as hanni's hugs, you really need her embrace, her arms around your waist.

god i miss her…

you can't help but think to yourself whilst you sit in one of the journalism organization room swivel chairs, working in front of a computer for the next online publishing of the university's news publishing website. it's almost 9pm, the lights are dim and the last person who you were with inside the room was the radio broadcasting group's director — danielle marsh, who then left with the sports writer kang haerin. they've been going in and out together for the past couple of months, which went unnoticed by some members of the faculty as it was seen as “typical” and very on character for them to do so.

you weren't new to that thing too, it's pretty obvious they've got a thing for each other and they're pretty open about it if anything.

unlike you.

just seeing the two made you miss hanni so much more, and it's quite selfish to think of such things because everyone, including the sane part of your brain knew that there's nothing between the two of you except for friendship — worn like a cloak to hide a secret. you can't remember why this whole arrangement between you and hanni started, when did you start sharing kisses? when did you start taking her home? what was the reason you visited her place even if it was late at night? why were you even so adamant about being there for her when she needs someone? why did both of you agree not to put any meaning behind these things? those thoughts were at the back of your mind, it shouldn't matter actually and when you think about it you try not to pry yourself about how it should matter that much — at the end of the day, things are not going to change.

if the walls of your room could talk, your secrets would no longer be something shared between you and hanni.

well, you've been on thin ice for such a long time — at this point, you assume that everyone in your organization and her club already has an idea about your relationship with hanni and are quite in a stump about it but that's too far from the truth, in fact — there were hardly anyone who notices the little things you do. everytime you think about her, the shared secrets together, the things about you that only she knows — you can't even find a reason to hate yourself for entertaining something people won't find appealing. it's been so long, why would you even go back to where it all started to stop this from escalating even further when you could just go with it until the end.

you know, you're going to hold onto this till the end, thinking that there will be that time where you and hanni can settle things down and accept what needs to be accepted and leave what needs to be left behind.

maybe, things will get better eventually…

you just hope you can stick with this until — you can finally call her… yours.

honey ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ

hm…

i'll think about it.

miss me already?

the org's doing just fine, hbu?

sent.

you drop your phone on the table as you close the tabs of the computer and then turn the computer off. you stay on the chair for a few more minutes, waiting for her reply as you fiddle the hem of your shirt with your fingers. quite nervous, confused as to why you were nervous — you can't help but just laugh, not having any explanation as to why you're suddenly acting like a giddy teenager girl over your so-called "friend".

crap… you think to yourself, it's really late now but you were hoping to see her again, at least even for just an hour or-so.

i wonder what she's up to now.

honey ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ

oh! the club's doing well!

we just finished our project and were hoping to release it soon.

you know how giddy i get about it, right?

i wish you were here with me so i can tell you all about it.

received.

you feel the familiar heat crawling up to your cheeks, you tap at the screen only for a few seconds and then pick it up. you wonder why, even before you kissed her, no matter how many times you tried setting yourself up with other girls — it wasn't effective at all. behind those words you told other people is hanni lingering at the back of your mind, the image of her face clear in your eyes until you just gave up, leaving yourself falling into her arms.

just how many times have i tried?

i can't even remember.

you thought then just gave up.

honey ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ

yeah…

i wish i was there, where are you anyway?

i mean, maybe i can come and see you.

right?

sent.

you stare at her message for a few seconds then you stand up and grab your bag that's been left unattended on the floor for a few hours since you first started working on the articles. you have absolutely no idea about what you're doing, it's just you doing whatever once again and doing it in the most random time ever but that's just because you missed hanni so much.

it won't hurt, right?

spending just some time to see her again.

honey ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ

wait, really?

i mean…

that's great!

but what about your roommate?

will minji not look for you?

received.

that's the thing, minji has been your roommate for almost two years — yes, that long. she's practically like your sibling at this point, one that you can always trust and lean on when you need a shoulder to hold onto or someone to cry on. minji used to be also a part of the film making organization in your university. she used to work with hanni on some projects for school until she left to focus on writing her own stuff on her own accord. so, minji is someone hanni already knew before she met you.

minji knows your thing with hanni and is at first troubled by it, but then it's not like it's something unethical, right? it's just secrets and a relationship with no label, it doesn't hurt anyone aside from you and hanni. that's the thing, minji feels bad that you subject yourself to self-harm — which is a relationship where you have no right to feel jealous about. she knows it sucks, how many times have she asked you: “what’s really between you and hanni?” and you always answer her. “nothing, we're close friends.” even though she's seen you cuddling with hanni on your couch, awfully closer than normal.

she worries your mother might find out even before you make it official between the two of you,

you know, she knows you're screwed if it were to happen.

minji has basically given up prying her way into your business but still tries to watch out whenever you feel sad or frustrated. she's always there when you need her — she's obviously a great friend that even your parents trust.

honey ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ

nah, don't worry

i’ll tell her.

she’ll be alright.

where are you?

sent.

honey ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔ

great, i’m here at my condominium

just, you know? waiting…

hope you come here asap

;)))

received.

you grab your backpack and sling to your shoulder, making your way past the rows of computers lined and exiting the room. you see the dim corridor, your eyes follow along the lines of doors and the straight path to the stairways, and under the dark hall the pictures of when you first met hanni lingered at the back of your mind, right at the end of the corridor.

r u carps, min?

hey minji,

bro

i won't be home 2night

take care of the dorm and heat up the pizza

i got some money under the flower base and just take it to order sum whatever…

lov ur roommate, y/n

sent.

and with a blink, you come back to reality and start running your way to the stairs and reaching the ground floor — rushing as soon as possible to get to the open parking lot where your scooter is parked, you open your top box with your keys and immediately place your bag inside before locking it once again.

r u carps, min?

dude wtf?

why now? ur mom will be here tomorrow.

y/n?

hey!

BRO!!!!

ur such an asshole

you know that?

come on…

ur dead

received.

as the engine ignites, all your worries are pushed back behind before the motor accelerates and you finally find your way outside the campus then to her condominium.

“you’ve been away for so long.” hanni grumbles, arms wrapping themselves around your torso, you laugh at her expression, a cute pout adoring her pink lips and her eyes full of stars inside of them. it's almost like she has the universe in her pupils. “only for a month by the way, i’m guessing you really feel lonely here.” you tell her, raising your brows at her direction with a smile on your lips. she nods, snuggling closer to your body on the bed, she feels like a koala the way she couldn't let go of your figure.

“of course! aside from my parents, you're really the only one i want here with me.” she says, well it's nothing but the truth but hearing it made something inside you tremble. it's something you cannot understand but something you feel very deep inside, you only smile at her.

she could bring anyone she wants here.

and you would still not be able to tell her nothing, because you have no right to do so.

she's free to do whatever she wants to do.

and that must be your fault, right?

you place a hand on top of her head, patting her soft hair under your palm. “seriously, this is why you feel lonely. having a friend or two here other than me wouldn't be so bad.” you express out of genuine feelings, though it's nice to know you're the only one she wants, you can't help but feel guilty that you're making her wait or expect too much to the point she's not allowing anyone inside of her life aside from you.

at the end of the day, you only want her to be happy.

but that's not the case, for a relationship that doesn't have any label — hanni seems committed to it.

you haven't even said anything but she's already sure she's yours, and it honestly makes you feel bad even if it is a mutual feeling you two both share.

“i really only want you��” hanni buries her head on your neck, snuggling close for warmth and you can't help but wrap your arm around her, to keep her close as if anyone was going to take her away from you if you don't. “it's okay, i won't be away for any longer anymore. i promise.” you whisper, you feel hanni nod her head and feel her lips against your skin as she speaks. “promise me you’ll be here with me forever?” you look down on her, eyes directly on her cheek, her face hidden on your neck. “i will.” you smile at her.

maybe, you are really that tired that when you open your eyes it's already 9am in the morning yet hanni is still wrapped around your arms. the sun shines so much brighter on days like this, it must have been her presence beside you and everyday should have been like this if things were different.

there is still a chance for you to change it.

you start to see it.

“are you sure i can come to you and minji’s place today?” hanni asks, looking up from her plate of food, she tilts her head as she asks, eyes meeting your own pair. “well yeah, you know minji would never mind.” you say, bringing your utensils down before smiling at her direction. “besides, it’s not a busy day today.” you add.

you take the helmet in hanni’s hands and help her wear it on her head, making sure it's strapped tight. as your hands let go of the helmet, you notice hanni staring at your face and you raise your brows at her. “what?” you ask. hanni giggles and shakes her head. “nothing, i just… feel giddy about being with you today after what felt like forever.” she says and you almost saw the entire galaxy inside of her eyes the way it shines, the wait the light sparkles, you can't help but be mesmerized.

you nod at her and place a kiss on her cheek. “of course, it's not everyday we get to be like this together.” you huff and hop on the motor, hanni follows and wraps her arms around your waist.

when you get to your shared apartment’s front door you notice the weird aura of the place, you hesitate to open the door as you stand still looking at the wooden entrance, hanni peeks behind you and wonders why you haven't touched the doorknob.

now… i must be paranoid.

it's oddly quiet or somehow, there's a strange presence looming around the place and you don't know what it was.

you take the doorknob in your hand and feel its cold surface, sending shivers on your spine. you twist it and enter inside, slowly stepping a foot and looking around to see if anyone beside minji is present, hanni follows quietly but is still confused. your eyes widen when you spot your mom standing by the living room and seemingly pacing around, in panic and quite in a rush, impatient.

you feel a rush of adrenaline pumping in your veins as you immediately take a step back, pull hanni outside then close the door gently. “w-what’s wrong? is there an intruder inside?” hanni asks, worried that there might actually be an intruder, which ironically turned out to be your mom. you laugh sheepishly and scratch the back of your head. “uh no? i just remembered that minji wasn't around and… we can go grab food somewhere before coming back—” your words are cut off when the door opens to, none other than minji.

“minji..?” hanni looks behind you, to the door as minji stands with a hard expression on her face.

“where have you been?” minji asks, her tone is strict and impatient for an immediate answer, her eyes bore behind you and then dart back at hanni. “and why is hanni here?” she adds to the pile of questions.

you turn around and shake your head. “ah, i didn't know you were here… crap, i was at her place yesterday and i thought i’d hang around with her here ‘cause you wouldn't mind, right?” you shrug, minji kept her serious face but sighs, rubbing her temple with her fingers. “y/n, i won't of course. but you know who will?” she says, clearly frustrated.

hanni squints her eyes at minji. “who?”

“her mom, she's here today, waiting for y/n inside.” minji answers, you flinch at the idea before turning your head at hanni who frowns and looks away. “i didn't know she'd be here!” you whisper aggressively, rubbing your face with your hand.

“dude, i messaged you yesterday. you didn't even bother reading it.” minji argues, which was the truth but you were riding your scooter to hanni's place when you received the message — it was the reason you didn't have the time to read it.

with your face buried on your palm, you grumbled. “dude, i was riding my scooter that time…”

hanni sighs and places her hand on your shoulder, you put your head up and look at her. “i’m leaving for now i guess, you'd be in more trouble if she sees me.” hanni says, giving you a small smile.

you furrow your brows, you think to yourself that there must be a way — there's something you can definitely do, doesn't matter what there has to be something!

you stare at her, pursing your lips before reaching out for her hand and shaking your head. “no, you'll stay. don't worry i’ll take care of this, please just stay.” you tell her, minji’s expression turns into confusion — as if, your ways of salvaging you and hanni's relationship seemed absurd to minji's level of understanding.

“wait? y/n are you crazy? you're gonna get you both in trouble!” minji says, already scolding you even before the trouble happens. you look at her and shake your head, holding hanni’s hand tight. “no, that's my mom — i know her, we’ll be alright. i promise.” you look back at hanni to give her a small smile again, caressing the soft skin of her hand under yours to soothe the unstable feeling stressing her out.

the door opens once again but this time it's your mother who exits and her eyes dart at the three figures standing. “y/n? where have you been, young lady!” she yells, you laugh and look at her with a sheepish expression before pulling hanni slightly closer beside you. “i stayed somewhere only for a night. i swear, no troubles.” your mother seems to notice hanni’s presence beside you and raises her brow towards hanni, her scary aura unchanging.

hanni took a deep breath, opening her lips as if about to say a word but she fails miserably when your mother glares at her. “and who is this girl?” your mother asks, her voice asking irritatedly. you look at hanni before wrapping your arm around her torso, getting a look of doubt from your mother but mostly directed to hanni, who gulps a lump inside her throat. “hi — i’m y/n’s —”

“she's my girlfriend, mom.” you grin at your mother, hanni and minji both looked shocked at the sudden revelation — you were confident, this time you’re sure and there's no way you’ll take it back again, not this time or never again. hanni looks at you and her eyes shake when it meets your mother's gaze.

“oh, what..?” minji mutters, feeling her head spinning, she blinks in confusion and looks at the three people all facing one another. hanni blushes, aggressively gripping the hem of your shirt, looking up at you as if you said something crazy which is indeed crazy, out of character even.

“oh, really?” your mom adds, her voice softens but her eyes remain the same.

hanni looks at your mom, nodding her head gently.

“yes, i’m your daughter’s girlfriend, ma'am. nice to meet you…” hanni smiles, still quite hesitant, like a curious cat dipping its paws in something it doesn't know — but in hanni’s case she has her hand sticking out for a handshake.

somehow, your mother's eyes softened or is hanni just deluding herself into believing so?

she hopes, your mom did — because she shouldn't be seeing things, she's still sane after all!

yes, your mother did soften her gaze.

hanni may not be that crazy after all.

just a little, just for you.

“yeah! you're okay with it, right mom? hanni’s a very nice girl and she lets me sleep at her place when i stay at school late and she cooks me breakfast and she helps me with my homeworks. she helps me clean my room, helps me with my laundry and —” even before you finish rambling about how hanni basically keeps your life stable your mom raises her index finger to your way to shush you down before she steps forward to take a closer look at hanni.

your mother looks at hanni’s hand and reaches for it before shaking it, feeling hanni’s sweating and trembling hand. “nice to meet you, is my daughter too much work? i know she's a little handful sometimes.” you slump your shoulders as you mother jokes, hanni laughs— you notice the change in her voice, feeling your girlfriend starting to relax herself. “she isn't, i’m happy to be helping her.” hanni answers, feeling her cheeks flush and her blood boiling on her face.

“that's good to know, she's very dependent.”

minji nods and huffs. “yes, she is!” you roll your eyes at her.

you mother lets go of hanni’s hand and turns away to walk inside the door, but before she enters she calls for minji. “help me arrange the table.” she says, to which minji followed almost immediately.

hanni feels like laughing, there's a certain type of warmth blooming inside of her when she realizes what just happened. she blinks only for a bit, trying to do something to make sure she isn't daydreaming or dreaming whilst asleep — and she had just confirmed that she is indeed awake, none of what happened was fake and the warmth of your arm proved it.

“hanni.” you call out to her. hanni puts a hand on her mouth and looks up at you, starstrucked to actually see your mother up close.

“i’m your girlfriend?” she asks, to make sure you're not bluffing.

you smile and nod, giving her the type of gaze that means “i love you”.

“you are, you're my girlfriend.” you tell her.

hanni feels like crying this time, there's something about it that she can't explain — something about finally being able to hold onto something that isn't a thin thread of hope for something that will break apart in no time, without her knowing. something about finally being able to actually express her feelings without holding back sends waves of relief inside of hanni.

why has she not thought of this earlier? why didn't you tell her that earlier?

hanni embraces you in a tight hug, her face buried in your shoulder as she sobs. “oh my god…” you feel her speak. you laugh, petting her head. “hey now, i promise i’m not lying.”

hanni sniffs and looks up at you. “i love you.” she whispers, eyes covered with tears and cheeks are bright red, before breaking into a wide smile. “i love you too.” you tell her back before giving her a small kiss on her lips.