#maybe ppl just have to be ashamed and anxious about one thing or another | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cycleoffates · 20 days ago

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Just found you here after searching Pumpkin Panic (again). You see, I found that demo back in 2014-2016 and I feel like it made a huge impact on what my art aesthetic preferences are because your artsyle is super colorful and the game really gave me candy and Halloween vibes! So once I a while I search official art you have posted about it. Whether you come back to making games or not I wanted to thank you for creating that demo and showing your spooky ocs. Hope you have a nice day!

hello!!! thank you so much for sending me this message. apologies if my response has been somewhat late, Tumblr's a place I hardly check and free time isn't something I have as much as I used to. 🥲 sorry if this is gonna be a long response too! i didn't intend it to be but I'm feeling somewhat sentimental.

even if i've pretty much been radio silent all over the place, this message has been something I've been constantly thinking about for a while. well, this one and a few that have been left on one of my videos. 🥹 (I'm posting them rq bc they bring me joy)

Pumpkin⭐Panic (yeah, with the star bc i found out there's another game called that now) has always been very near and dear to my heart. i made that demo when I was still a kid in high-school w/ a lot of ambitions. the idea for it was very impulsive, bc it started out as me making a gift for my followers on Halloween. i have no idea how I managed to create a demo for it in under a month (I have no clue how I was able to do it back then 💀).

talking about and posting OC stuff has always made me shy bc I wasn't sure how people would perceive it (or rather, my original, non-fandom creations), but it warms my heart to know it's been (and is still) loved by a lot of ppl who remember it to this day, even if it's very old. not to mention, it's very outdated, littered with bugs and was made on a (now defunct) laptop with a broken audio jack (hence why the audio is so loud (LOL)). making a game by yourself is harder than it looks!!!

it's been......... maybe 10+ years now? i think since it's initial creation. wow. typing that out makes me feel OLD. during all that, I put out another game demo and tried to write visual novels, but none of them were finished/saw the light, either. I'm somewhat ashamed of that too. i wanted to make more stories, but I just found myself lacking the time and the motivation (Tumblr was dying, I started working towards a college degree, you get the gist).

at that point, i stopped posting OC content as much (bc you know, social media engagement with fandoms and commissions gets you clicks!). i kept all those to myself (granted I didn't have a lot to begin with LOL) and only shared them with close friends. sometimes i'd post something on the bird-app, but it wasn't constant.

and then few years ago, a couple things happened to me (for the worse?). it opened my eyes and made me realize how impacted I (as a person) and my creations (as extensions of me) were by others who I shared personal connections with (through relating w/my characters). those things changed my life and made me anxious about talking about them again with others. i got scared. it was bad.

from then on, i shifted my gear towards making a lot of money as I could from commissions. flash forward to the beginning of last year, I had my "icarus-flew-too-close-to-the-sun" moment.................... yeah, burnout is NOT fun.

but at the same time, during those years of making bank and struggling, I was able to connect with someone again who made me love talking about my OCs again. i started roleplaying w/OCs again, I started writing and drawing OCs again. granted, they're not the same ones as before, but they're still my characters, and I want to share their stories with the world (someday). yeah okay, this is veering away from Pumpkin⭐Panic so i'm pulling the reins back on it again.

thank you again (from the bottom of my heart) for sending me this ask. this probably wasn't??? the answer you were expecting, but it made me feel something so HAVE AT IT. 🥹 I have attempted to create some semblances of art for a Pumpkin⭐Panic "reboot" but never got far, so it's most likely I won't be picking the game demo project back up. maybe I'll post them here if I remember to?

i've been thinking about giving the main game some closure at least. an artist I follow did something where when they decided to quit their webcomic, they posted the scripts/concept art/etc of said webcomic so fans can look at it. i think that's something I might try and do, if people are interested.

i also had plans for a prequel game (visual novel written conceptual draft)......... that? that's something I'm still thinking of doing one day, mostly because I have a new OC project now (not PP! related) that I want to bring to life but have no idea on the direction I want to go with. a friend told me that maybe trying to do an experimental visual novel with the prequel (of PP!) might help me get a feel for where I want to go for said new story. it doesn't have a proper name that I'm happy with, but............

i just think these goobers deserve that finished, at least.

thank you one again for your ask, sorry if it was sooooo long-winded, and i hope you have a wonderful day as well! <3

#kura says some things #ask #i forgot my tags #long post //#pumpkin panic!

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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Are you more positive or a debbie downer? Debbie Downer should be my name lol

What would you love to drink right now? I’m drinking water rn, second mug in a row, my belly is going to explode

Is that an alcoholic drink or not? it’s not this kind of water :P

Oh good. What would you love to eat right now? I’m not hungry...

How many meals do you eat a day? depends

Do you brush your tongue with your tooth brush? sometimes

What are you favorite type of jeans? I’d say skinny even tho I don’t wear jeans anymore ^^”

Do you eat your nails? wait what swallow? ewww I don’t even bite them :o

Do you enjoy making or taking surveys? taking them more

Name something that is blue that you like Sadness from Inside out

Name something pink that you like PYNK music video by Janelle Monae? XD

If you could have one more pet, what? meh

If you could sleep next to a tame wild animal what? woah

Would you rather have an owl or a snake? both are cool

What would you name it? Bowl for owl and for snake either Ksysio or Wonsz żmieja?

Do you eat the ice in your drink? no

Have you ever been addicted to cigarettes? I had one cigarette in my whole life but I still keep a package in my room :x

Which do you use more? Facebook or Instagram? fb, I don’t care for insta

Do you watch beauty videos on You Tube? nah

Do you like Star Wars? love

What kind of surveys do you like the most? interesting, not just YES or NO questions, I want to go deeper

Have you ever dropped something down the garbage disposal on accident? omg luckily not

What CD would you never buy for yourself? anything Justin Bieber for sure

Is sex a must in your life? absolutely not

Would you rather be cute and ugly or hot and stupid? cute and ugly? lmfao ok

Are you evil in any way? everyone is, more or less

Would you rather be a clown or a garbage man? can’t decide :D

Would you rather be a rockstar or a librarian? librarian but rock star ain’t that bad of a choice ;)

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? again? I just got this question on ask today and that really made me anxious

Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? sigh... Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? yep but not to my room as I’m super ashamed of it, it’s not what I really want, it’s more like a storage room for mine and my mom’s things, I wish I could move and out and do what I want instead of cleaning this mess just to have it ruined days after, not that I have money now to fix things the way I imagine my bedroom to be someday :( Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? yesterday was better but today I got a T-shirt so that was a good moment Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend? hospital

Could you date someone very attractive, but who thought they were better than everyone else? blergh, r u kidding me?... Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? constantly Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? not because of me but someone somewhere definitely has that name on them for another reason How would you feel if you got the person you liked? I'm in a relationship Is there anyone who likes you? it seems If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? of course What’s the first thing you heard this morning? you mean a sound (doorbell) or words (I don’t remember)? If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? not possible Are you young or old? young, at least according to my ID and being childish Are there always other fish in the sea? there are but maybe I don’t want them and/or they don’t want to be catched etc. What can your tongue do? pfft Do chickens have feelings? sorta Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? ... So how are you feeling today? not good enough Where is your sister right now? don’t know nor care What do you smell like? it’s so hot, I smell like sweat and I can’t stand it but I can’t shower all day long What colour is your mum’s hair? grey When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? last week Do you like fire? as an element of magic in fantasy movies Does your mum vacuum early in the morning while you’re asleep? she’s noisy in different ways Does wearing glasses really make people look smart? that’s a lame stereotype Do your band-aids have cartoons on them? they’re useless but one time I bought Moomin ones because I’ve been walking through the store and they fallen right under my feet and there was nobody around nor the shelf/aisle that they could come from so it was weird and I love Moomins so I took them home (I paid) and they’re probably stored somewhere Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn’t have? what do you mean? Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? my gf apparently - in a cute way - that’s surprising for a teetotalist like me What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? my tee came! When was the last time you saw your father? he just left for work and I was waving to him through the window which is our tradition What if your partner went through your cellphone? I have nothing to hide Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? my parents and sister

Robert Downey Jr. — Bet you have a crush on him. he’s handsome but I’d prefer to be him instead of having a crush on sex I’m not attracted to

What would you do if you were to get stuck on a ski lift overnight? ... freeze? and pee myself Have you ever received an anonymous gift? one time when we were really poor that we couldn’t afford food someone left a package under our door, knocked and ran, bless this person whoever knew we have hard times :* What kind of laugh do you have? many kinds that happen randomly Will you have a Valentine next year? I have a bigger chance than any other year before Macaroon or a cupcake? cupcake Did you kiss or hug anyone today? hug my mom and my dad too Are you currently waiting on someone to do something for you/to you? kinda Do you know anyone, personally, who is in an abusive relationship? Are you? I’m not in an abusive relationship but I know those who are as it’s common and it’s really sad that ppl think only beating makes relationship toxic Are you planning on going anywhere with someone, some time today? I’ll stay home Do you find your school to be loaded with hot guys or not so much? I remember E.W. once said that we have a lot of elves around because LOTR movie had very ugly ones as we did in high school, I tried to find that pic someone posted back in the day but I failed, it was from the council from what I remember

Is there anyone you are currently trying to get out of trouble? Why? mostly I just keep my eye on my father and my mother all the time because of covid (and not only because of it) if that counts Are you plotting anything at the moment? another chapter of the book? Have you ever wanted your significant other to get rid of a friend? because they were evil to them, it wasn’t about ME If you have siblings, have they moved out or do they still live with you? she moved out :3

Do you have a therapist? no longer Have you ever gotten a good grade in math class? yeah, in middle school I was getting awesome grades in math class What do you think of the last person you texted? we’re dating Have you ever gotten a bloody nose from snorting cocaine? I’ve never done cocaine wtf

Do you post pictures were you look good but your friends look bad? I ask them first Are you friends with any of your exes? me and one of my exes are together Are you a whiskey person? I’m a no alcohol person

Has anyone ever made fun of your taste in music? tiny bit, wasn’t that bad

Have you ever overflown a bathtub? I have not Have you ever thrown food at a stranger in a movie theater? not in a movie theater Are you somewhat of a perfectionist? somewhat Do you like sour candy? by Lady Gaga not eat Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? but I don’t drive Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? brrrr no way Are you good at painting nails? am not but it doesn’t matter Are you good at filling silence in awkward situations? doubt it What word should you really probably remove from your vocabulary? kurwa Do you rip out the page if you make a mistake writing, or cross it out? cross it out, if I ripped the page then there would be nothing left Do you use a full length mirror daily? we don’t own one Can you walk in heels, or do you feel awkward in them? I think they don’t match my style and they’re uncomfy in a long term Mac or PC? PC Will you tell someone if there’s something in their teeth? sorry but probably not Do you ever actually make your bed? when I have guests Do you make an effort to eat healthy? yup The last time you kissed someone, what color of shirt were they wearing? black, that’s easy What’s something you want to purchase next time you’re at the mall? food If you had to choose between a million dollars or to be able to change a regret? money because one regret won’t help me and even might make things worse Are you taller than your mom? almost 10 cm What would you do if your best friend told you they were moving today? my gf - break up my dad - try to stop him or move out with him You’re locked in a room with the person you last kissed, problems? no problems Do you have any ‘naughty’ photos on your phone? 0 Could you handle living with a male roommate? my dad, no one else What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? waking up Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? who said we aren’t texting? Do you think you’ll actually live a happy life with somebody? don’t feed my paranoia Connection between you and the last person who messaged you? love Where is your biological father right now? bus/job already Who else is in the room with you? I’m alone Water with ice or no ice? no ice Are you wrapped in a blanket? too hot for that

Has anyone done anything nice for you today? I’m thankful for all those nice things people do for me - big or small The last time you hung out with your sibling(s), what did you do? took a walk

Do you usually bring or buy a lunch for school? bring

The last time you had sex, was it in their bed or yours? their

How old were you when you figured out you were definitely straight, or bi, or whatever? middle school was the beginning

Do you fit in at work or in school? I was always an outcast

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “Oh God, Ew.”? 99% of time

Have you ever cried at a real wedding? nope

Is there someone you need to forgive? *annoyed sound*

What’s your brother(s) / sister(s) names? personal

Suppose you saw your crush/bf/gf kissing another girl/guy, what would you do? why tho

What is your favorite color for bridesmaid dresses? whatever bridesmaid wanna wear besides white

Do you have a secret crush right now? it’s no secret

Do you know anyone who doesn’t want to have kids? me

Would you rather visit Tokyo or Paris? dunno

Do you think you would like living in New York or Chicago? Why or why not? too overcrowded/loud etc.

Name 3 celebrities who are the same height as you. Lady Gaga, Ellen Page, Reese Witherspoon

Are you happy with your height? I’d like to be taller, not too much tho

Do you have big or small hands? small

Have you been baptized? I have been

Have you ever been abused in any way? sadly

Do you like unicorns? they’re fine

Is there one book you have read over and over again because it’s so good? if so, which is it? I don’t reread books

Do you play games on your phone a lot? recently I became obsessed with LOVE ISLAND game

Have you ever had to put out a kitchen fire? my mom took care of it but it wasn’t a big deal tbh

Have you ever been kidnapped? wut

Do you have anything glow in the dark in your room? stars

Do you wear a scarf, if so, what does it look like? not rn

Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? mhm but not too long

Do you get breadsticks with your pizza? breadsticks and pizza? it’s like bread with bread - no thx

Did you ever have a waterbed? I hate those

What toy from your childhood do you miss? rubber toys?

Did you sleep in late today? yes

When was the last time you were disappointed? this day

Do you like listening to love songs? I like a variety of music which includes love songs

In your group of friends, are you the smart one, athletic one, etc.? funny mom friend... ok, fine, a dad because my puns are daddy jokes

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? no but they said bad things about me behind my back

Did you ever watch the show Full House? with my sister What was the last thing that scared you? how I feel physically Do the librarians at your library know you by name? they do

What ten people would you most likely bring on a roadtrip? 10 ppl?! shoot me...

Is there anything you’re really stressed out about right now? health issues

What was the last thing that made you cry? I’m about to cry...

What are the last three songs you listened to? Crystal Castles - Suffocation frnkiero andthe cellabration - neverenders Major Lazer - Be Together (Feat. Wild Belle)

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burningdarkfire · 2 years ago

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in honour of the last day before daylight savings here are all the things i’ve had/been having a meltdown about over the past two weeks

i had my year-end review at work recently and got a lot of very positive feedback and have the support from my manager/company to do a certification that allows me to eventually get promoted and/or just opens more doors for me in my career moving forward. this is great except that i don’t want to do this for the rest of my life and the idea of being here in this company in five years makes me want to die but i also literally cannot conceptualize anything better. i just don’t want to work. i’m trying to realize that i’m just burnt out because we’ve been a person short in the department for five months so i don’t need to do anything crazy and once we hire another person + one more girl comes back from mat leave we are going to be so fully staffed and i won’t feel anywhere near as bad. i should not randomly quit my very stable corporate job

i have been Gendered Male a lot more often while going out and i’ve more or less told my entire social circles at this point that i use they/them pronouns and while most people have been cool about it i think i’m realizing that a) i actually don’t really like the non-binary label because i don’t like how other people use it even if i don’t mind it for myself and b) i feel like i’m losing some connection to femininity that i’ve had my entire life even if i’ve never sat at peace with it and it is bothering me in a weird way to feel like i don’t really pass as a woman anymore (this doesn’t really make sense but it’s as close as i’m going to get for the moment) because i am never going to be a man either and i have spent my entire life as diaspora and i just don’t. want. another thing where it feels like i am never going to have a home and never belong anywhere. this isn’t directly related but also c) i met another queer person recently who so obviously gave me attitude for not being “out” to my parents when it’s just like i have never in my life cared about these stupid labels i just want other people to see me as a person. and my parents do see me as a person. why do i have to talk to them with these english terms and western ideas for it to count. they’ve never said a single bad thing about the way i dress or behave and i know they love me. god. it’s like d) i’ve talked to another one of my queer friends about this a LOT and this feeling that i don’t belong in queer spaces because i have never felt ashamed about being queer has been so strong lately because like i just don’t care. i just don’t fucking care about what other people seem to care about. you know what i have been made ashamed of? the fact that i’m chinese. the fact that i was raised a girl. those things closed so many more doors to me than being queer ever has. part of me misses being in university so fucking much when just without even thinking about it i was always surrounded by other queer asian ppl

i circle around to this all the fucking time but i had a dream recently about my ex that just made it really bad where i feel like i get gaslit by other people that maybe i don’t actually enjoy being alone so much and i’m just lying to myself that i’m not lonely. but like oh my god. i just want to be alone so much. i feel like so many people are so desperate for the kind of social life that i have and i’m fucking drowning in it. and then i spend so much time feeling like there’s something wrong with me because i just don’t want more love. semi-relatedly i am also just extremely not afraid of death like i’m not scared of dying and i’m not anxious about my loved ones dying and it seriously makes me feel like a fucking monster. what kind of human doesn’t care about love or death. this is literally Peak November train of thought for me btw i knoooow that i worry about this every year like clockwork and i will no longer give a shit about this when it’s sunny outside again. who cares. i love spending time by myself so much i am my favourite person because i made me

also this literally doesn’t matter but it’s also been bothering me lol so while i’m at it. my duo and i didn’t make gold (for me) before he started school again and i know in my heart of hearts i so profoundly Do Not Want to play soloqueue this year which means this is going to be first year since playing this stupid game that i’m not at least gold and it’s literally so okay because i am a 27 year old adult with a full time job who doesn’t need to be gold in league of legends but like it wounds me

anyway i can’t wait for everything to feel even worse for two months before it gets marginally better i love the fact that seasonal depression is completely widely acknowledged as a real thing by the adult world and yet we just don’t do anything about it besides grin and bear it lmao

#my posts #text #league log

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liu-lang · 7 years ago

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mental health & job stuff - tw: eating disorders, anxiety, sexual assault, self harm

this week has been difficult. on tuesday and thursday, I saw my new therapist and psychiatrist respectively.

the moment i saw my therapist’s office, i had reservations on whether she could relate to me. she was a white woman, perhaps in her 30s who was wearing one of those ... convertible skirts ?... you know the one where you can wear as a skirt with a foldable waist band thing tt also can be worn as a tube top dress. i just google’d convertible skirt and patanogia came up (white ppl who have the luxury of time and money to go camping in the summer brand). her office smelt like one of those autumn-scented candles. she had a chakra wall hanging / scroll thing. the appointment started off pretty open-ended. i think she was trying to give me ~space~ to open up so that the conversation flowed naturally. but i just felt kinda lost bc it took me months through 2 clinics and 3 intake appts to finally see her. @ tt point, i’m tired of hearing “so tell me why you’re here today” .... my scepticism increased exponentially when she recommended practising yoga, being present and mindfulness training. honestly, idk why she works there ? bc she’s serving patients seeking treatment through the LA County Department of Mental Health. considering the issues they face and their lived experiences and socioeconomic status, i don’t think following a 10-min yoga lesson through an app (she seriously tried to recommend an app to me) is gonna make a difference. anyway, my next appt is in another 3 weeks.

my psychiatrist is an older Filipino women, maybe in her 40s or 50s ... and the way she talks kinda reminds me of my mum (who is a big trigger for me). she asked lots of racially microaggressive questions before reading my file. really reminds me of how my mum exotifies my sisters and i for being mixed. i had to repeat details about my race, country i grew up and family structure a lot. she asked about my religious beliefs and i affirmed that i still identify as a muslim then she asked me if all muslim women have to go through female genital mutilation (there is a history of FGM in my family) ... and just, i can’t. her question came out more as a statement that she wanted me to confirm. i had to explain how it’s more of a mix of sociocultural factors than religious practise, tt not every muslim woman is subjected to it and there is an international response to educate these communities on its harmful effects.

she also brought up the sexual assault tt happened when i was in high school. i alr felt distrustful and uncomfortable @ tt point ... i couldn’t make myself refer to him as a paedophile. she asked me who was this man and i just like... lost for words ? felt too ashamed ? ... i’m really stuck on how i couldn’t just refer to him for what he was. i guess i do have lots of lingering issues feeling like i am to blame for what happened. we also ran into some issues with my rx. my current pcp didn’t recommend me for my usual annual cardiology visit bc she believes i’ve been stable for a long enough time. but my psychiatrist strongly prefers if i can get an ECG. she did give me a rx for 10 mg lexapro though so... we’ll see how tt goes. i decided to finally seek medication because of my anxiety at work. i didn’t want it to affect my job performance. they also took my vitals ... the usual stuff, my blood pressure is low and i’m underweight. i need to go back for blood work on tuesday.

speaking of job performance ... i went to a career fair at my alma mater. i had a federal work study position at the career development center as a communications assistant (basically a combo of outreach, distribution, marketing, social media management, data anallytics) so it was different to be on the other side of things. one of the employers present contacted me for an interview. the interview was successful and they extended me an offer. then they gave me the runaround for 2 weeks and i received an email yesterday rescinding the job offer. needless to say, i was blindsided. here’s the time line of events

10/19 thursday - attended job fair

10/20 friday - received a call to schedule an interview then an email confirmation for interview

10/24 tuesday - went in for interview (had to move my psychiatrist appt which essentially changed my psychiatrist so ... idk if i could have had a better fit. i’m miffed abt this.)

10/25 wednesday - phone call from HR offering me the position, they told me i could have until 10/30 to make a decision. they also said they wanted a 11/06 start date if possible. i told them i had to give 2 weeks notice at my current employer as proper protocol

10/27 friday - i rang HR and left a voicemail indicating i’d be interested and wanted to discuss benefits etc

10/30 monday - i rang HR again and told them i had left them a message on friday and would love to hear back from them soon. no phone call back. in the afternoon, i sent an email to the recruiter i originally handed my resume to letting him know i’ve been unsuccessful in reaching the HR person and would appreciate an update. he rang me back assuring me the offer was still on the table and they would gladly have me and he would email me an official offer by the end of day, also stressed 11/06 start date and i again repeated the 2 weeks notice spiel and could HR send me a summary of the benefits

11/01 wednesday - i ring HR and finally speak to the HR person. she didn’t receive any of my messages and the recruiter didn’t inform her of what i requested. she said she usually is not in the office mondays and fridays. she sounds in a hurry and is in the middle of doing payroll. i keep it short and express interest in accepting the offer. could i have summary of the health insurance plan and possibly negotiate a slightly higher salary ? she agrees to send me a official written offer by the end of the day or tomorrow. again they emphasise 11/06 start date... i’m like really confused but just repeat that i would love to start asap but also what about 2 weeks notice

11/02 thursday - i receive an email from HR rescinding the job offer with the explanation they had already filled in all the positions they were recruiting for.

this post is getting super long. there were red flags abt this company from the beginning but i was holding out hope bc surely a university would have thoroughly vetted the employers they invite to a career fair. also bc i worked for the CDC and knew these employers & established a rapport through my position there. i’m still trying to process everything. i’m mostly crushed at the realisation tt i will have to work another black friday in retail. i would hear things abt ppl not being able to work bc of mental health issues. i nvr discredited them but i also didn’t really have a concept of it ? now i have a lived experience. it is tortuous having to think of slogging through another holiday season when i was so close to leaving. i had a co-worker who just left and we were congratulating each other on finally getting out. it feels so defeating and depressing to still be stuck / left behind. this feels so much worse than an outright rejection. added onto normal anxiety associated w/ the recent grad job hunt, now i’m catastrophising what if this happens with another potential employer ? i keep wondering about the reasons why they rescinded ? maybe i shouldn’t have negotiated ? maybe i should have just accepted when they rang - i didn’t have any other offers on the table... maybe i tried to get in touch with them too much ? maybe i didn’t pass the background check ? maybe something went wrong w/ my references ? ...even though they kept insisting on like an impossible start date plus never sending me an official offer therefore preventing me from resigning and agreeing to their start date. i kinda want to have a meeting with my ex boss to let her know about my experience and maybe get advice on um... being aware of warning signs to prevent this from happening again ? but i don’t want it to sound like i’m blaming the university for bringing on shady companies ... i know my experience is not reflective of everyone else’s. it’s hard not to internalise this and feel like there is something wrong with me. another thing is ... i have like no written evidence of everything in between so on email it just looks like i had an interview and then they rejected me. and my phone calls which they nvr answered looks like i was the one hounding them when ... understandably i wanted to move the hiring process along bc they were adamant on the 11/06 start date. i also needed the time to make the very big financial decision of buying a fucking car in order to get to work (the office is in orange county which has 0 convenient transport options esp. going btwn LA and orange counties)

i’m really anxious abt having more allergic reactions at work - especially bc the managers now know. i have an appt with an allergist but it’s not until january. idk if my skin can survive. i can hide it when it’s on my body but lately it’s been flaring up on my hands - which i use to touch merchandise, handle money, stock shelves, build displays ... just lots of touching and hand contact with possible allergens. i cried in the car after work yesterday and have been battling thoughts of self harm since wednesday. sigh... i’ll have to call this afternoon asking for next week’s work schedule at the store. tt familiar feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting everything to stop is coming back.

#personal

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chickenfetus · 7 years ago

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ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ????

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general?????????

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples:

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them???????

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual.

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me.

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual.

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good?????

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

#softshouyous #asks #if anybody actually read all through all of this.... thank u.#FALEN THAKNK U FOR ASKING I LOVE U

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lady-nevermore · 7 years ago

Text

Third Session Part 2 (aka the things I forgot to include).

June 6, 2017

Meh....(this is starting to feel like a broken record/feels somewhat redundant and I’ve started to notice/become hella conscious of the fact: of how much i use the word “I” in these therapy-blogs....feeling hella self-conscious that ppl will start to think I’m hella obnoxiously: selfish, egotistical or something). >_>; .....But Anyways......

Ah yes, I remember now, well I remember telling my therapist how I tend to Separate my thoughts from how I’m feeling.....in other words when I’m feeling an emotion that I find to be too intense/overwhelming at the moment and don’t wanna deal with, I tend to avoid, bury and not think about what I’m feeling and vice versa, and just feel cold/numb.....I told my therapist that it was my coping mechanism so to speak......My therapist says that, that is really unhealthy, and that we’ll start to find another, healthier way for me to cope that isn’t me burying/repressing my emotions like that. <---- Dunno Why I felt I needed to write this down, but I do feel like it could be important for later on.

We Also talked about If I ever got the chance to say goodbye to my old Mentor/Friend, Obi-Wan and that he was the first loss/death (of someone i knew personally) that I ever experienced.....I told her (My Therapist), that I wasn’t like at his deathbed or anything when he passed away, but that I did say goodbye to him in 2010 in person, when I was 18, during my Graduation of AHS High......The last words he said to me before giving me a bear-hug, was that He was Proud of me, and that “I was gonna be fine”.......You know it’s funny, (and I haven’t even told my therapist this yet, I’ll have to remember to tell her later on) but that was the first time anyone (from well a parental-figure at least) has ever really said that they were “Proud of me”.....And I remember at age 18, feeling so damn overwhelmed (it was heartwarming really) ......and it’s not that I’m blaming my parents or anything like that......it’s just that in our family we tend to not really express a lot of our emotions, ‘Tis not really in our nature.....hell I get like hella uncomfortable/awkward whenever I cry in front of somebody, let alone seeing others cry in front of me.......But anyways, that’s beside the point, The Last words Obi-Wan said to me, face to face, was that “I was going to be fine”, and then I said good-bye, but He told me that this wasn’t good-bye, and he made me promise to come back and visit him at my old alma-mater AHS High, and I promised him I would............And dammit, I was 19 in 2011 (you see, it was during 2011, the day I created this tumblr blog and a year shortly after I graduated/and I was attending Community College) I tried, I really did try to stop by and visit, but he was out that day, off work, for a Chemotherapy treatment.....I heard the news via facebook, that he died a few months, shortly afterwards.....I promised to visit him, and even though I tried, a part of me still feels like I low-key sort of failed him in keeping that promise. *sigh*

I also told my Therapist that I don’t like feeling forced/obligated in doing things.....the more I’m forced/feel obligated/ coerced to do something, the more I internally rebel (example going to church when I was a youngling, aka when I was more an atheist/agnostic and against the idea of being immensely religiously Catholic like the rest of my family/extended family, this includes my Aunt C)....Things have changed, and even though I pride myself, and prefer to being tolerant, liberal-minded, open-minded, I’ve come to terms with trying to have an open-mind, and thereby get close to God (cause Obi-wan was quite a spiritual/ religious guy and In someway I sorta wanna feel connected to him) and in being semi-religious/agnostic and trying to get in touch in having/attempting to have faith again (spiritually at least......after all I’m absolutely fascinated and love learning about lore, myths, other cultures and their mythologies/religions, and spiritual beliefs) and so far..... I feel a sense of peace, soooo so far so good?......But .Yeah trust me I know I’m stubborn......But yeah, If I’m gonna do something it’s going to be on my terms, because I wanted to.

I also told my Therapist that there were moments , in the past, where I felt really exhausted always feeling like I need to be perfect (the perfect student, the teacher’s pet, living up to the expectations that my parents, teachers and even old high-school friends had of me, not to mention my own personal high expectations that I held against myself)....My Therapist says I need to figure out who I want be and what I want do with my life, but that it’s important that it’s via “on my own terms”. ....I Told her that might be sorta difficult because I have a really hard time with being/or feeling uncertain or dealing with changes in life....but that I can, at the very least acknowledge and recognize that, that is always gonna be a part of, and how life just is.

I also told her that I have had, and probably still have a hard time when it comes to emotionally reaching out to family, friends, people.....because it makes me feel “trapped/obligated” into the commitment of emotionally putting myself out there and emotionally investing myself into a relationship.....and I told her that I try to fight against this anxious feeling in spite of it telling me otherwise (probably has something to do with my trust issues), and that I’m also not sure if this becuase I’m an introvert (because I do feel exhausted when dealing with a huge group of people, socializing....unless I really trust and really know them, and even then it still takes a lot of my energy...tend to prefer quieter moments to myself or with a few seldom people in order to recharge.

My therapist also told me something that rings quite true to me (cause my old Mentor Obi-Wan used to say the same thing); “To control what you can control, Don’t try to control what you can’t”......In other words: Try to choose and be in control of how I choose to respond/react to things/situations that give me anxiety and the like, rather than allowing that anxious feeling to overtake and control how I react/feel. Gonna try really hard to keep that in mind.

We talked a bit about how my old high-school friends really meant the world to me (that they were a really bright light in my life), and that includes Obi-Wan’s Wife, let’s call her: Lady Obi-Wan, who has such a gentle and kind soul, and whom is someone I really trust, and that is someone (that is if I ever get better or feel ready in the future to face her and a slew other of old faces) that I sort of still to want to reconnect with, but we’ll see...I did tell me therapist that i feel ashamed/guilty that i turned my back on them/cut them out of my life......but that I dunno if I’m truly blaming myself for my actions or If I should be blaming my depression for causing me to make that choice......It wasn’t something I’m proud of me.....my old-high school friends deserved better than that, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like we (most of us) were sort of already drifting apart there in the end, after all they all went and gone to college, made their own lives, and we all parted ways.......I told my therapist lke I sometimes feel like I’m sorta stuck in the past.......and that I would find it easier, and would love nothing more than to just let go of the past and start/begin anew.....And even though on some level that’s already what I’m doing now via going to therapy, making friends here on tumblr, I may still want to face old faces of my past and at the very least explain and owe them an apology, and maybe, just maybe pluck up the courage to reconnect with a few old friends (at the very least Lady Obi-Wan and a few others). But we’ll see....dunno if I even ready to face that slew of confrontations. *sigh* ......Welp, If anything, I’ve learned a great deal from these past experiences, and I’ve personally vowed to at least try harder in trying to not distant myself, and to cherish and keep my current tumblr-friendships, here on tumblr, and any future friendships I make in the future (after all if there’s anything I value high above anything else it’s: friendship, camaraderie and loyalty), and I also vowed to never repeat the same mistakes (regardless of my anxiety/depression/issues telling me, to flee, or otherwise), lest I tarnish my word and may never be willing to forgive myself for betraying another set of friends.

*Side-Note*: One thing I haven’t told my therapist yet, is that whenever my social anxiety/anxiety acts up (or when I’m having a hard time in expressing myself, especially verbally), it causes me to appear (in real-life): Snobbish, stand-offish, cold, or worse annoyingly pushy, and high-strung, .........and these are things/aspects of myself that I sometimes still have/behave as, but were waaaaaay more prevalent when I was a dumb-teenager, that tbh, I have never really liked and low-key hate about myself....And it is something that I’m consciously trying to work on and am trying to not appear or behave/act like that.

I’ve told my Therapist that I’m writing down my experiences in therapy here on this Tumblr blog, and that I have a few online (tumblr friends)....She says that that is a good idea (in order to help keep track of my progress) and she sorta jotted down the name of the site: tumblr.....and I’m not gonna lie, but I sorta got low-ley nervous/paranoid about that.....but ah well. lol ^^;

*Things to Keep in Mind* She told me to keep going with my breathing exercises (there were a few days I’ve sorta forgot this past week, mostly cause of Jay’s Graduation/Me trying to find her the perfect gift...But I’ma try to stick with it regardless)....Oh, right and to try to write/jot down what situation I think is causing me to feel anxious/depressed/melancholy during the that moment.

*sigh* Why do these always feel like it takes ages for me articulate, forge and to write.....probably cause I tend to overfocus/be hella meticulous about even the tiniest of details.....(need to learn how to chill and pace myself). meh xP

Anyways, I swear If I forgot anything else, which knowing me I probably did, I’ll try to remember to include it in the next therapy-session blog....My next session isn’t till June 19, so in the meantime, I’ll continue my “Letters to No One” Side Therapy- blogs, aka the blogs where I anonymously write letters to my old high school friends, mentors, or people I knew from the past but not actually send them (in order to vent, reminisce, letting go of the past, look back on fondly, decipher and figure out situations and myself from the past, etc).

Links of my personal journey of going through therapy, & other personal things:

Therapy Blogs (My Main Journey of going through Therapy).

Letters to No One (Therapy Side-Blogs).

Tumblr Surveys (Personal stuff If You want to get know more about me).

Extra Links (If I’m not on Tumblr, I’m usually on here, so add me if you wish):

My Twitter

My Anime Page List

Anyways, thanks for listening my dears! (^-^)b

And thank you two: @angelotics and @theamazingflyinglion , for the moral support thus far, as well as for our lovely little chats, you guys have no idea how much they really help and mean to me *hugs you both* :)

- Lady Nevermore

#therapy #Third Session #part 2 #stuff I forgot to include #therapy blog

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