#maybe not JUST but sometime in the 12 hours since I last checked the scanning has updated

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

my mum's Christmas present has just arrived into the country I might actually receive it before Christmas omg

[nightshade-minho]

-Nightmare- (13)

Warnings: mentions of abuse and domestic violence. smut, again. emotional sex, outdoor sex, v. slight degradation, fingering, oral (m. receiving), possessiveness, unprotected sex, overstimulation, creampie, light pregnancy kink.

Wc: 5.5k

As soon as you finished crying, you sat up, sniffing as you grabbed the bottle of water on your bedside table, chugging the liquid down. Wiping your lips, you slipped off the bed. Maybe you overreacted earlier...

You told yourself you had every right to be angry at him. He was playing with your feelings, driving you crazy.

Sometimes, he looked at you in ways that made the tiniest bit of hope bloom deep within you. But every time you let yourself hope, he let you down cruelly, unknowingly. Hope was a dangerous thing. You had to accept it would never happen.

Were you being selfish? You frowned as the thought settled itself in your head. He needed a best friend, but you had to ruin it by confessing...you knew things could never be the same now, even if the two of you somehow managed to make up for the 100th time. There were unspoken emotions crackling between you, the tension so tight and painful. It was tiring, frustrating.

When you lied to him, telling him that you didn’t love him after all...you’d noticed the disappointment in his eyes. It had made you curious. What if...what if he did like you? The way he seemed almost jealous during your short-lived relationship with Juyeon...

No. You shook your head. You wouldn’t allow yourself to hope again. Minho was a good best friend. And that’s all he’ll ever be. You knew you had to apologize for your outburst.

Standing, you wiped your eyes, making sure your face was dry before opening your bedroom door, only to be greeted with an empty living room. Frowning, you walked over to his door, knocking.

No response.

***

Minho sat in his car, drumming his fingers on the wheel. Everything had to be perfect. This was his last chance to tell you how he felt. He couldn’t afford to fuck this up...if he didn’t get to confess this time, he might as well give up.

He turned his head as his phone pinged, eyes scanning the text message he’d just been sent. Perfect.

***

Two days had passed, and Minho still hadn’t returned to the apartment. You felt empty. You couldn’t really blame him for leaving...but how long would he be gone? Was he out of your life forever? What if when the doorbell rings, it’d be him, coming to gather his things and move out?

The thought made you want to cry again. Your eyes were red, tired. Over the past few days, you’d thrown yourself into your work, finishing a lot of assignments in a very short time. All you wanted to do was apologize to him, have him back.

Your phone rang, and you sat up to take it, hoping it was him. Your heart dropped when you saw it wasn’t. Sighing and shaking your head, you lifted it to your ear.

“Hi, mom...”

“Hello, dear. I hope you’re doing well? How’s Minho?”

You swallowed, fiddling with the hem of your blanket, your mouth open and ready to lie.

But...you just couldn’t. It came out before you could even think about it.

“I’m in love with him, Mom.”

“And?”

You frowned, sitting up a little further. “What?”

“Honey, we know. We’ve known since you were 12.”

“B-but-”

“None of that matters. How are you guys?”

“Mom...”

You gulped, starting to spill. You told her everything that happened over the past few days, the heavy weight in your heart lifting slightly as she listened patiently.

Once you were done, you panted, rubbing your eyes. “Yeah...I don’t mind, Mom. I don’t care if he doesn’t like me back. I can’t lose him...but I think I just did. I haven’t seen him in two whole days.”

There was more silence, before your mom quietly spoke. “Darling...how about you come over this evening? You can have dinner here, maybe stay the night.”

“It’s an hour-long drive...and I don’t have a car. Minho’s gone, so I can’t make him drive me there either.”

“Take a bus. Surely you’re not that broke.” She chuckled. “Come on, I wanna see my baby girl...”

You sighed, smiling despite yourself. “Okay.”

You hung up after a few minutes of small talk, buzzing with excitement to go back to the place where you grew up. You realized belatedly that everywhere you looked, you’d be reminded of Minho.

You stood up to go change, digging through your wardrobe. There was still a slight ache in your heart, but you pushed it aside for now.

***

This was the longest the two of you had ever spent apart. Two days, and Minho was already feeling like he’d spent an eternity away from you. He sat on your bed, eyes scanning the walls of your childhood home.

The posters on the wall remained the same, the walls still painted a pale pink. His eyes drifted to the polaroid collage on the wall, some of the polaroids missing. He knew you’d taken your favorite ones when the two of you left for college...he liked seeing them whenever he was in your room. Each one brought back a different, wonderful memory from your childhood.

He stood up, walking over to the wall and scanning the pictures with a fond, sad smile on his face.

You hadn’t taken his favorite one, though. It was a selfie you’d taken under the willow tree years ago, one in which you were making a goofy face to the camera, the necklace snug around your neck. It was a day after your 13th birthday...and probably the day he realized you were the only girl for him. He was gazing down at you in the photo, the way he usually did when he thought you weren’t looking. He still remembered the way he’d felt that day...his dad had been particularly aggressive when he’d gone home. It had been so scary. He had had a restless sleep that night, his heart torn and his brain hazy even as he woke up the next day, walking to your house.

But seeing your face had gotten rid of all that.

***

You lifted up the wicker basket, waving as Minho walked over to you.

“Finally! You’re here!”

“Yeah...”

“What’s wrong? You look sad...” Your expression turned concerned, smile disappearing as you took in his dark features. He felt his heart quiver, cocking his head to the side. He didn’t want you to be sad...and you would be, if he told you what happened. Your happiness was more than enough to make him forget all his worries.

“Nothing. What’s that?” He pointed at the basket.

You frowned. “It’s a picnic baske- never mind that. You’re not fooling me, Minho. Tell me what’s wrong, or I won’t share this with you.” You warned, hiding the basket behind you. He chuckled, coming closer to ruffle your hair. “Yeah yeah, okay. I don’t want to do this in the middle of the street, though.”

You nodded, walking down to the tree, Minho following you silently. You sat down, pulling the plate of sandwiches you’d made out of the basket, and handing one to him.

He took it with a sad smile, sighing and looking down at his lap. “It’s just...the same old, you know? Last night, he was screaming. I heard glass breaking and things being thrown around. I checked on her before coming here, and she seemed fine, but...” He glanced at you, trailing off. Just as he’d expected, you looked like you were trying hard to not look as distressed as you were.

He sighed. “I don’t know.” He took a bite of the sandwich, closing his eyes and humming. “This tastes goo-”

He was interrupted by the feeling of your arms wrapping around him. He opened his eyes, looking down at you as you pressed your cheek to his chest, mumbling. Breathing in deeply, he used his free hand to pull you into him, leaning back onto the trunk and patting the small of your back.

A comfortable silence followed as Minho stretched his hand out to grab your sandwich from the plate on the grass, giving it to you. The two of you ate quietly, tangled up in each other, your touch conveying what your words couldn’t.

***

The photo was a reminder. You always knew just what to do, always made him feel at home in a world where he felt like he didn’t belong.

He belonged to you. You belonged with each other.

It might have taken years for him to realize, but now that he knew, he wasn’t going to give up.

***

You left the bus-stop, making your way to your childhood home. You pressed your lips together as you neared it, a heady mix of sentimentality and uneasiness fueling your exasperation with your decision.

It’ll be okay. Seeing your parents would make you feel better. Just...don’t think about him, for now at least.

You unwrapped your scarf from around your neck as you reached, tapping your foot as you rang the doorbell. You waited for your mom to open the door, exhausted, having spent the whole bus ride standing.

Your eyes widened as the door finally opened.

The last person you were expecting to see was standing right there, the familiarity of his face springing tears to your eyes.

“Minho?!”

“Y/n.” He smiled sadly. You frowned. Confusion, anger and relief filled you, as your brain fought between wanting to hug him, or kill him.

You chose the former.

Surging forward into his arms, you cried into his chest as you hugged him tightly. He stroked your hair, shushing you. “I’m sorry...” You apologized brokenly, sniffing.

“No.” He said firmly. ‘You’re not allowed to be sorry, because you had every right to be angry at me. I’m the one...I’m the one who should be sorry.”

“You’re my best friend, Minho. We’ve been through too much together to let things like this faze us.”

He bit his lip. “Things like...love?”

You paused, looking up at him and frowning. “W-well, yeah. Our friendship goes past silly things like love.” You laugh nervously, trying to hide the emotions bubbling up in you.

He blinked, swallowing. “Y-you think love is silly?” He asked, his tone as even as he could manage.

“W-well...I mean...” You trailed off, shrugging.

He sighed, shaking his head as he pulled you away from him.

“No more of this.”

“W-what?”

“No more dancing around the subject.”

“What subject?”

He remained silent. Grabbing your hand, he led you to the willow tree you knew the way to all too well. His grip around your wrist was too tight as he walked quickly.

Confused, you let him pull you along, squinting as you tried not to fall over from how fast he was pulling you.

He stopped suddenly as the two of you reached, slowly letting go of your wrist.

You panted. “What are you...” your voice grew faint, eyes still fixed on him. Your heart throbbed as he leaned in a little, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear.

He looked away from you, smiling slowly. You followed his line of sight.

A small gasp left your lips.

He’d strung fairy lights from the willow tree’s branches, the space below it bathed in soft gold. There was a checkered picnic blanket on the grass, a familiar wicker basket lying on top of it. It looked beautiful.

The tree looked different from the last time you saw it...but it was still somehow the same. A wave of nostalgia washed over you, making you even more emotional as you glanced up at him, then back in front of you.

“When did you...why-”

“Shh.”

He dragged you over, sitting down on the blanket and tapping the spot next to him. “Come on.”

You hesitated, your heart beating loudly as you sat down. “Minho, I...I don’t know what to say...”

“So don’t.” He sighed, blinking as he inhaled, psyching himself up. It was time. There was a potent mix of fear and trepidation in him as the weight of what he was about to do dawned on him.

“I can’t do this anymore, Y/n. I can’t stay friends.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, tilting your head. You felt a sharp pain in your heart as you nodded, discomfiture settling on your face as you tried to smile. So, this was it. You’d really fucked everything up. “T-that’s...okay. I can understand why-”

He groaned in frustration, his heart a mess of emotions as he watched you look at the grass, blabbering as you tried to hide your heartache. “That’s not what I meant.”

You looked back up at him. “Then what did-”

He scooted forward, grabbing your cheeks. “I...”

He sighed, tearing up at the sight of your face. Seeing you cry always made his heart weak.

He couldn’t hold it back anymore.

He brushed your hair out of the way, lip trembling as he felt the tears keep coming. He opened his mouth, heart pounding.

“I’m in love with you, Y/n.”

As soon as the words left his lips, your face turned blank, your brain unable to comprehend what he had just said.

It felt like fire had just been set to your heart. You’d just heard the words you’d been yearning to hear from him for years...and you were unsure how to react, your mind still trying to digest it.

He...he loved you? Was this another one of your dreams that ended with nightmarish twists?  

Minho exhaled, smiling, his teary eyes sparkling. God. it felt good to finally tell you that.  

He looked back down at you, smile slowly dropping as he saw your expression.

“Look...I’m okay if you don’t like me back.” He said, his heart slowly breaking as you stayed quiet, your expression still shell-shocked. “I’m fine with staying b-”

You interrupted him, pressing your lips to his.

Tears were still streaming down your face. You just couldn’t take it anymore. He emitted a soft sound of surprise before melting into the kiss, his tears mixing with yours as he fell back, pulling you on top of him. The very real feeling of his mouth against yours confirmed that you weren’t in a dream, after all. This was real.

He kissed you like his life depended on it, breathing heavily as you gently deepened the kiss. His lips were soft, nipping at yours as he pulled away just a little.

Minho held your cheeks, inhaling as his eyes searched yours, the raw emotion in them blowing you away. You wondered why you’d never seen it before. Stroking the side of your head with one hand, he pulled you into him once more, his lips finding yours again as he closed his wet eyes.

“I love you.” He whispered against your lips, nudging your nose with his. “I love you I love you I love you.” Breathless, he swallowed. “I love you...”

The dam had been broken, and now all he he wanted to do was say what he’d been holding back for so long.

Your chest rose and fell with rapid breaths as you stared at him, his grip on your waist growing tighter as you felt yourself shake.

“P-please, don’t play with my feelings. Minho- Please, I can’t take it. Do you...do you really mean it?” You choked out, still in disbelief, even as he cupped your cheek, eyes boring into yours.

“I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this.”

You shook your head, wiping your wet cheek as you sat up a little. Getting off him, your eyes drifted up to the river as you turned around.  The water was still, the moonlight reflecting off of it.

He sat up as well, watching as the light breeze tousled your hair.

“I...Minho.”

“Mm?” He said, heart still pounding. He knew it was selfish of him...but he wanted to hear you say it, too. Yes, it was hypocritical, considering how long it had taken him to finally confess, but he couldn’t help it.

“I lied before. I mean...I lied about lying.” You groaned, struggling to formulate your words. “What I’m trying to say is...I’m in love with you too. And I have been for the better part of two years.”

A torrent of emotions rushed into him as he blinked rapidly, unable to comprehend it for a second. It should have been happiness, mainly, but there was also this heavy sense of hurt and guilt gripping him. So all the pain that had been caused over the past few weeks...it was all for nothing. The two of you had hurt each other over and over again, unaware of your true feelings. If only either of you had the courage to say something...all the heartache could have been avoided.

“Y-you are?”

“Yeah.” You sniffed, back still facing him. He watched as your body quivered, slowly realizing that you’d been through the same anguish as him...and for longer.

Shifting a little closer, he slowly wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry. For...for everything.”

“I am, too.”

You turned slightly, breathing in as you made eye contact with him. Staring at each other, you felt the weight on your heart disappear completely. Calmness filling the two of you as the once-unspoken truths lingered in the air around you, electricity sparking as you turned to face him completely.

You watched as his gaze drifted down from your eyes to your lips, his tongue darting out ever so subtly as his gaze turned heavier.

He leaned in, lips hovering over you.

“Tell me. Again.” He whispered, bottom lip brushing against yours as he surveyed your face, eyes turning darker.

“I l-love you.”

He growled in satisfaction, his lips claiming yours quickly. You whimpered as he pulled you onto his lap, his insistent lips parting your shaking ones as his tongue gently met yours.

Neither of you could help it. He was consumed with an ardent need to show you just how much he loved you. Minho had never been good with words...but there were other ways to prove one’s sincerity. Slowly making out, the two of you completely forgot how to breathe as the sweet fear from before melted away, surrendering completely to the passion. His hands were all over you, squeezing your skin, touching you as if you’d disintegrate at any moment.

“Minho...”

He gazed up at you, the ardor in his eyes catching you off guard as you opened your mouth to speak, hesitating.

“Promise to me...that we won’t ever hurt each other again. That we’ll...we’ll spend the rest of our life together, no matter what happens. Please.”

“Y/n...I don’t think I can let you go. You’re mine and I’m yours. We’re meant to be. I just wish it hadn’t taken me this long to realize. I wish I hadn’t turned into the one person I’m most afraid of. I’ve always feared history repeating itself...tried my best to avoid it. But here I am, hurting the girl I love.”

He sucked in air, eyes closing as he tried to drive away the bad memories.

“I won’t deny that you hurt me, but it’s not like I was much better. We both made mistakes, Minho. I’m prepared to make up for them, though. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying, if you’ll let me.”

You traced your finger over his cheek as he spoke. “I guess neither of us are perfect.”

You nodded. “I love you, Minho. All of you, including your flaws. I wanna take every part of you, and...I w-want you to do the same for me.”

He gave you a weak smile, kissing you yet again. He just couldn’t get enough of the feeling of your soft, wet mouth moving against his own...the feeling of being able to kiss you without any residual apprehension. It made him feel light-headed, your hot tongue sliding against his...the sensation causing him to groan against your lips as he adjusted you on his lap.

You pulled away to breathe. Minho’s eyes were already too far gone...and as you shifted slightly, you felt his thick bulge brush up against your core, softly gasping.

“N-need you, Y/n.” He breathed, resting his forehead against yours as his eyes welled up further. “If you’ll allow me...please, wanna claim you as mine...”

He really didn’t have to beg. Just the sight of him, breathless and wanting, sent sparks shooting through you. You needed him just as much as he needed you.

You let your lips trail down to his jawline, kissing along it. You hoped you could convey every inexplicable emotion you were feeling through each kiss you laid on his skin.

He caressed your back as you continued your ministrations, relaxing slightly. However, after a few minutes of you sucking tenderly down his neck, his impatience grew, and you could tell by the way he kept bucking his hips intermittently.

In a second, he rolled over so he was on top, admiring the way your face shone in the dim glow of the lights, hair splayed out on the grass. You looked so beautiful under him. He wanted to appreciate you even more, but the hardness between his thighs was making him increasingly aggravated.

Needing to be inside your warmth, his hand founds its way under your skirt, pressing the pad of his thumb to your clothed clit. He let out a moan as he felt how wet you were, delighting in the fact that it was all for him.

He stroked you through your underwear, eyes fixed on you. Your mouth was slightly open, eyes fluttering closed as you whimpered, needing more.

“Minho, please...” You spread your thighs apart a little more, hoping he would give you what you wanted. He leaned in, nibbling on your ear as he pushed your panties to the side. His fingers dragged through your slick folds, collecting as much wetness as he could before lifting his fingers to your mouth. You immediately parted your lips, sucking on his fingers as you squirmed, his tongue laving your earlobe.

“Kitten...” He whispered in your ear, the breathy neediness from before replaced with a cool confidence as he settled into his role. “So needy for me, even though we’re just a few minutes away from your childhood home...are you that desperate for my cock?”

You mewled, his words turning you on even more as he groaned, lifting off of you to scan your face. Your eyes drifted downwards, the sight of his concealed erection making you lick your lips.

“Wanna...wanna taste you...”

Minho’s eyes glinted, burning with fervor as he observed you, incandescent with desire. He’d never seen you like this before.

“Alright, kitten...”

He got off you, moving so that he was leaning against the tree’s trunk next to you. You turned slightly, fiddling with his zipper as you took his cock out, almost too eagerly. You got on all fours, pulling down his boxers to free his length.

Holding his girth in your hand, you admired it for a second before bending down and licking his slit tentatively, the taste of his pre-cum making you shudder. His hand smoothed down your back, lifting your dress and pulling down your panties just enough for him to access your core. You wrapped your lips around the head of his cock, shivering as his middle finger circled your puckered rim a few times before drifting down to your pussy.

You sucked on his tip, loving the way he tasted. You were glad you were fully sober this time, and in the right head-space to truly see, feel and taste him. Swirling your tongue around him, you moaned as he slid two fingers into your heat.

Minho grunted, the feeling of your warm walls clenching around his fingers combined with your wet tongue running repeatedly over his slit making him snap. He shoved his cock into your mouth, catching you by surprise. Groans left him as the pleasure washed over him, the speed of his fingers driving into your pussy increasing in time with his thrusts into your mouth.

You whined as he took his fingers out of you, pulling you gently off his cock. His eyes darkened even more as he admired your fucked out features, strings of drool and pre-cum connecting his tip to your mouth.

“You’re so pretty. I’m so lucky to finally be able to call you mine.”

You blushed, heart palpitating as you got on his lap again, hand wrapping around his cock. Minho placed his hands on your hips, pulling you forward a little so that your clit was pressed right up against his shaft.

“Wanna fill you up.” He mumbled, mouthing at your neck. “Make you mine.”

He lifted you up slightly, aligning your entrance with his tip.

“He didn’t...didn’t fuck you, did he?”

You shook your head, watching as Minho’s eyes flashed, satisfied with the answer. He entered you steadily, his cock filling you up deliciously. You let out a soft moan, feeling him slide deeper as you lowered yourself completely.

His fingers came up to your waist, pulling you against him, your cheek on his shoulder as he muttered obscenities.

“Good. This pussy belongs to me, and only me. Along with the rest of you.”

You whined helplessly, inaudibly agreeing as Minho chose that very moment to thrust up into you.

“You’re so beautiful. So breathtaking. Nothing- fuck, nothing can compare to this...” He mumbled, hiking your skirt up and clutching at your ass as he started making love to you, his pace steady yet deep.

It was different from the first time.

For one, this time you were fully aware of each other, senses flooded with love and pain and relief. He took it slow, loving the way your pussy sucked in his cock, plunging his length into you powerfully, each thrust sending rumbles of pleasure through your body.

Minho took his hands off your ass, gripping at the hem of your sweater as he continued rolling his hips into yours. He slid it up your torso and over your boobs, making you blush as his eyes fixated on your chest.

“Gorgeous.” He whispered, eyes darting up to meet yours as he leaned in to suck on your nipple, tongue dragging over your bud. Pressing kisses all over your chest, he kept fucking up into you.

“M-Minho...you feel so- fuck,”

He let go of your nipple with a pop, making you shudder as the cold air hit your wet bud.

“Are you going to cum, baby?”

“Mm.”

“Cum for me.” He purred, suddenly standing up, still inside you. Turning around, he pressed your back to the tree trunk gently, driving his cock slightly faster and burying his head in the crook of your neck.

You could feel wetness against your neck, realizing belatedly that they were Minho’s tears. You couldn’t blame him...there were tears filling your eyes as well.

“I love you so much, Y/n.” He breathed, pulling away after a while to look at you. You nodded, hands drifting to tug at his hair. “I love you too Minho. In a way that words can’t express- ah~”

You whimpered, feeling the pleasure build in your lower half. Minho’s eyes instantly turned darker, any vulnerability in them lost as he focused on making you cum.

You felt the head of his cock rubbing against your sweet spot, each thrust drawing out long, breathless whines from you. You felt so full, his cock so thick inside you, filling you up the way it was meant to.

“Angel- I’m c-close...” He grunted, twitching inside you as he pressed his lips to yours once again, biting on your swollen bottom lip as he pinched your nipple gently. The sharp pleasure caused the final wave that pushed you over the edge- you hit your high with Minho’s name hot on your tongue.

He followed not long after, pounding into you now. You clenched around him, still in the throes of your orgasm as you incoherently repeated his name.

He slammed into you one last time before filling you up with his cum, throwing his head back as he came.

“You feel like...like heaven, Y/n...” He gasped out, supporting you with one hand as the other ran through his sweaty hair.

Eyes drifting down, he noticed the way his cum was leaking out from around his cock with a groan. Unable to control himself, he fucked his cum back into you, head dropping as you whimpered at the overstimulation.

Satisfied, he pulled out, tucking himself back in. He set you down, chuckling as your legs wobbled. He caught you before you could collapse, dragging you down to the grass with him.

“I take it you can’t walk back home right away.”

You laughed weakly, shaking your head. “No. Wanna stay here with you for a while.”

He hummed in content. “Okay.” He wrapped his arms around you. “Oh...I almost forgot about this.” He grinned, grabbing the basket from your side and pulling out two sandwiches.

Your eyes widened in recognition as you took one from him.

“These are the same ones I made that day...though I thought we agreed peanut butter and apricot jam just doesn’t cut it.”

“Shut up, it’s for nostalgic purposes.” He laughed, taking a bite and immediately screwing up his face in disgust. “Blegh. Okay, fuck nostalgia...I should just have made Nutella.”

You giggled, watching as he dropped the sandwich back into the basket. You put yours back in too, twisting to face him.

“So...when did you do all this? Was that why you were missing?”

“I’ve wanted to confess to you for a while...I just didn’t know how to. It was just so scary.”

“Yeah. Trust me, I know.”

He stroked your hair, sighing. “The day after your thirteenth birthday party, we came here like we usually do. I realized that day, my feelings for you went beyond what one should typically feel for a best friend. I just...chose to repress them, because I was scared you didn’t feel the same.” He cupped your cheek, exhaling.

“I thought if I recreated the scene from that day, I’d finally have the confidence to confess. The fairy lights were a last minute addition, though. I just thought it’d be more...romantic.” He smiled awkwardly.

“Well, it really is.” You returned his smile, tilting your head as you took him in. “I’m still sorry about the things I said to you.”

“I am, too. I hate myself for all the pain I’ve caused you...but I’m ready now. Ready to be someone who deserves your love.” He tucked your hair behind your ear again, smiling at you.

“Your mom helped a lot.” He laughed. You gritted your teeth, snorting. “Yeah, I could kinda tell. She doesn’t usually invite me over this spontaneously.”

You were interrupted by Minho’s stomach growling.

“I guess we have to go home...I think I feel a little better now, actually.” You sat up a little, getting to your feet shakily. He got up with you, hands steadying you.

“You sure?” He smirked, holding onto your wrist.

You nodded firmly. “Come on. I’m craving homemade food.”

***

You sat in your too-small childhood bed that night with Minho, who was flipping through one of the scrapbooks the two of you had made years ago.

He pointed to a picture of 8 year old you with a baby doll, chuckling lowly. “I bet your mother would love for you to recreate this one, but with an actual baby instead of a doll. I could make that happen.”

You glared at him, shoving his shoulder.

As soon as you’d walked through the door, holding hands with Minho, your mom had been all over the two of you, cooing and asking about grand-kids already. You knew she meant well, but it was still so fucking embarrassing.

You looked up at Minho, pausing as you saw his eyes turning darker.

“Why not, though? You’d be a great mother. I know I’d love to fill you up with my seed one day and get you pregnant...see your belly all swollen with my child...”

You meekly avoided eye contact, his words affecting you in a way you couldn’t quite place.

“M-maybe one day. I don’t know how I feel about having a mini-you running around, though. I already suffer with just one of you.”

He laughed, slowly trailing off as his face turned serious, a sadness settling itself in his eyes as he turned away.

“We’d take such good care of it...” He gulped. “I d-don’t know how good I’ll be at parenting...but I know I’d try my best to be a good father. The kind a child deserves.”

You looked at him, heart clenching as you took his hand.

“You’ll be an amazing father. I know it.”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead, placing the book on your bed side table, and getting under the covers with you. He turned off the table lamp.

Pulling you close, Minho kissed you for the last time that night. You felt the warmth in your body spread...your heart finally content, safe in his arms.

“It’ll be okay...” He mumbled, fingers gently running through your hair, watching as you drifted off to sleep due to the soothing action.

“As long as you’re by my side, everything will be okay.”

***

( Note: Ah, finally. This series is over. :’( I’m so thankful to everyone who stuck with this till now, and enjoyed it. There were times when I wanted to scrap it, especially because I was getting hate for it at one point? Anyway, I hope those anons are happy now. And my lovely readers, I hope the ending was satisfying enough. Love you all. )

***

[fnf-brain-rot]

Whitty x Boyfriend

                         Chapter 6 - should we?

                                NSFW WARNING

Boyfriend decided to stop by Pico's. Again. Well, Pico couldn't complain. The little blue haired guy had been watching over Whitty as if he had a child for over a week now. Pico just didn't like how early he came over. 12 PM is too early.

"Hey Pico! Gee, you look tired." Boyfriend leaned against the doorway, as if he were trying to look cool or something. Pico simply grumbled something under his breath and walked away from the open door, and Boyfriend took that as an invitation to let himself in. Pico walked into his living room, flopping face first onto his couch. "Couldn't sleep again?" Bee called to him, making his way to the kitchen to make TEA. Drinking coffee everyday was just gonna hurt him. Pico grunted loudly in response.

Bee smiled a little to himself, easily maneuvering around his kitchen as if he lived there himself. Well, at one point he actually did. That's why he and Pico are so close. He couldn't say they never had any awkward sort of encounters with each other, in fact he remembers those the most. He hummed as he put the tea pot on the stove, a blush creeping onto his cheeks. If he were to be honest, he kind of avoided Pico for a while. He began feeling funny around him all the time, and figured once he moved out, the feeling would probably go away. Pico seemed confused about his distant behavior, and even distanced himself with fear that he had done something wrong.

Boyfriend came out with the tea a few minutes later, noting the light snoring coming from Pico. He somehow managed to fall asleep. He laughed a bit to himself, then grabbed the blanket on the top of the couch to cover him with. It was a little chilly in his place. He would have to drink his tea though. Perfectly good Earl Grey tea should not go to waste.

________________________________________________________________________________

Pico awoke about two hours later, though he immediately sat up in remembrance of the company he had over. "Bee?" He called out, to what he was hoping was an empty apartment. He let out a quiet yawn, rubbing one of his eyes with his knuckle, a bit too harshly. He grunted and stood from the couch. He didn't get a response, which led him to believe he was alone. The coffee table was suspiciously clean. "I told him to stop touching my shit when I knock out." He muttered to himself. He just hoped he stayed out of his room. The thought made him cringe, and filled him with an anxiety to go check.

Removing his shirt, he still felt hot even though he turned the air on, he made his way to his bedroom first. The door was closed, but that doesn't mean he didn't go in though.

Swinging the door open, he took a  moment to scan his faint eyes across the empty room. It looked untouched, compared to the cleanliness of the rest of his apartment. He let out a breath of relief, but it was short lived as he heard his front door open. "Pico?" Boyfriend's voice called into the home. He must have seen that Pico wasn't lying on the couch anymore.

"Yeah, I'm here." Pico responded, shutting the door closed behind him before going back out to greet the blue haired midget. Once he could see him, he took note of all the plastic bags in his arms. "Did you go shopping??" Pico made a face of confusion, and Boyfriend smiled. "Yep! You had absolutely nothing in your fridge, so I went and bought you some stuff I knew you liked." He held up one of the bags. Pico could damn there smell the mini apple pies. "I.. told you about doing that shit.." The ginger crossed his arms and looked away, feigning irritation, but Bee simply laughed it off. "You want one?" he reached into the bag and took out one of the packages. Pico intensified his look, but still took the apple pie regardless.

"Go ahead, sit down, I'll put up the groceries." Boyfriend  offered, but Pico grabbed his hand to stop him. "No, bee, you're the guest here. You don't have to." The ginger sighed softly. Boyfriend huffed in frustration, gently pushing him away. "You go sit down. I got this." He continued his way into the kitchen, and Pico simply huffed with an eye roll. He was so sweet. He hoped that guy wasn't taking advantage of that.

Boyfriend made them normal turkey sandwiches for lunch, knowing Pico was a simple man. They ate together in the living room while watching family guy, proposed by Pico of course. Boyfriend would watch what Pico wanted, he honestly didn't mind.

"Hey, Pico?" The ginger hummed with his mouth full, then glanced back at the other when he didn't speak moments later. "Don't you get lonely in here? I know people are in and out of your apartment, but like.." Boyfriend stopped talking when he noticed the odd look on Pico's face. "I mean like! Ugh.. nevermind.." He looked down dejectedly at his sandwich, a temporary silence enveloping the two.

"Yeah.." Boyfriend's head shot up, a blush creeping up on his face. "Yeah, it feels pretty empty in here sometimes, especially ever since you left." Pico admitted honestly. An awkward silence claimed their surroundings a second time, and Boyfriend was regretting saying anything like that. Pico only ate half his sandwich before he felt like he couldn't touch it.

"I was supposed to meet this guy last weekend." He found the will to speak, finding the silence unbearable. It was Monday now. "What happened?"

"He couldn't find the will to come. He had already met Gigi that Friday, and one person at a time was good enough for him." Bee answered softly, glancing down at Pico's hand, resting peacefully on the couch beside him. He was there for that one scar on his hand. He was trying to cook something fancy with Nene and Darnell, and managed to cut himself real bad. He was sure the other two don't let him live it down.

Pico hummed in response. Once Boyfriend was able to stand on his own two feet, he moved out, even though he didn't really want to. He thought it was out of pure laziness, but there were other emotions tugging at him as well. He never had a good chance to address them.

"I'm sorry."

Boyfriend looked up to Pico quickly. He was now staring back at him. "I know living with me gave you a hard time. I'm not the most stable person." Boyfriend quickly shook his head. "No, no it wasn't like that!" He felt himself gently grab the ginger's hand. Pico tensed a bit at the sudden touch, then slowly made eye contact again. "I mean we both had our moments, I understand you go through a lot of shit, but like.. I don't regret living with you. I appreciate you for letting me stay with you until I got myself straight." he wanted to make it clear to him that he wasn't distancing himself.

Pico clicked his tongue, turning away again, mostly to hide the heat flaring in his face. Boyfriend gave his hand a gentle squeeze, though he couldn't help but laugh. "Are you flustered?" He teased him, and Pico grunted. "Fuck off, your face is red as hell." They both laughed at each other. "Look at me, dumbass." Bee then demanded, and Pico rolled his eyes, finally facing him again.

They were much closer than he remembered, but it didn't bother him. "You know this is cliche as fuck, right?" Pico then commented, making Boyfriend burst out into laughter, pushing his face away. "Damn, see look you ruined it!"

"Maybe you should have moved a little faster!"

"Maybe you should stop being such a pussy!"

Pico cocked an eyebrow at him. "Oh yeah?" Without warning, he pushed forward, pressing their lips together. It was a little rough, but Boyfriend being involved held a touch of gentle sweetness. They both damn there melted into each other, Pico pushing the other onto the couch, while Boyfriend wrapped his arms around his neck. They were glad to know it seemed like they had both been waiting for one or the other to make the first move for ages.

Pico trailed a hand up Boyfriend's thigh, and the other gave him permission to move further. Bee slid his hands under his shirt past the collar, feeling at the other's rough, freckled skin with loving strokes. They pulled away to breathe, panting softly and staring into each others eyes.

god he was beautiful..

"You sure you.. you want to?" Pico hesitated on his actions, but Boyfriend nodded quickly. "Of course I want to.." He smiled a little, pressing his hand against his face and gently dragging his thumb over his ear.

Pico hid the grin on his face by leaning down, leaving gentle kisses along his neck and collarbone. He pushed his knee against his crotch area, making Bee whine into his ear. he could already feel him growing hard, though he himself was too.

Pico was quick to take off Bee's sweatpants, and Boyfriend swiftly removed Pico's shirt. He couldn't help but run his hands along the scars slowly. He knew they weren't good, but by god did they look hot on him. Their breaths grew heavy as Pico trawled his hand along his straining briefs, giving him a gentle squeeze through the cloth. "Pico.." Bee managed out, triggering the butterflies in the ginger's stomach.

Pico wasn't really big on foreplay, and Boyfriend seemed to get the message when he tugged on his underwear. "Here, l-let me.." He turned it around, pushing Pico onto his back instead. "Wh- huh?" Pico made a face, though a blush spread on his features as Boyfriend pulled his pants and underwear down enough to allow his erection to spring up to action.

bee licked his lips. He hadn't done this before, but he was eager to try. He trailed his tongue up the side of his length, making the ginger groan at how slow he was going. He then pushed his girth past his lips, going down about mid way before he felt the gag reflex kick in. "Fuck, Bee.. shit.." Pico resisted the urge to buck his hips. He'd probably kill him doing that. Boyfriend pulled off, his face red, lips parted, gasped for air. It was an odd feeling.. He kinda liked it..

He squeezed the base of his cock, then went down on him again, making sure there was enough saliva to act as lube for their next act. "Jesus where did you learn this?" The taller man chuckled softly, biting his lip as he watched Boyfriend pull off again. "Uhh.. Just tried different things.." He laughed sheepishly, wiping the drool from his cheek.

Once he was wet enough, Boyfriend leaned back, spreading his legs open invitingly and holding them at his ankles. Pico's face couldn't get any more red. God he was so fucking hot.. "B-Be gentle.. I haven't done this before.." Pico nodded, leaning over him. He rested his hands on both sides of his head against the arm of the couch, pressing himself against his puckering little hole. They probably should have prepped first, but they were both too eager, too ready for this.

Pico slowly pushed in, and Boyfriend tried not to tense too bad, since tensing only makes it worse, however it did hurt like hell. He gently grabbed the other's hand and squeezed, Boyfriend eagerly squeezing back. Bee only whimpered, then breathed in a shaky gasp. Pico would pause every couple inch until he was fully inside him. He couldn't help but stroke Bee's cheek, watching him tremble with muffled whines and keens of pain and pleasure.

"You.. you can- ahh!!" Boyfriend moaned out surprisingly loud. Pico groaned as Bee constricted around him, tensing and relaxing over and over from every movement. He pulled out, then quickly pushed back in. Boyfriend arched his back and let out a high cry, his eyes rolling back from the sheer intense feeling of pleasure that washed over him.

Pico did move gently as he asked him to, his moan rumbling in his chest above the smaller. "O-Oh god.. Pico..! Ffuck..!" Boyfriend wiggled his hips a bit as he got used to the feeling, and Pico took that as a sign to go faster. "You take dick real good for it being your first time.." He mumbled to him, situating his hands on his hips in order to gain more control of his thrusts.

"Faster..! Faster Pico..!!" Boyfriend had thrown his arms above his head, which dangled over the side of the couch arm. He wrapped his legs around Pico's waist, finding them growing tired from just sitting in the air. Pico  happily obliged, smiling a bit at how eager he sounded. It did make him happy how easy he could please him though. Boyfriend's body began to shake, and his moans and cries took on a higher pitch. Pico knew he was close, and so was he.

With a few more thrusts, Bee tensed and threw up one of his legs, cum sputtering from his cock all over himself and his torso. The sight alone was enough for Pico to release his seed into him. He went on for a good few seconds, then finally pulled out after about a minute. They both panted heavily, Boyfriend's eyes already beginning to flutter from how tired he felt after their little endeavor. "That was.. so good.." He breathed out drunkenly, making Pico chuckle at his cute demeanor. "Yeah? Maybe we should do it again sometime.." He leaned down and kissed his lips again, ignoring the messy drool on his face. "Come on, let's clean up."

"Mh.." Boyfriend could only moan tiredly in response. Pico sighed lightly, then picked him up, knowing he was gonna make him do all the work.

________________________________________________________________________________

Boyfriend woke up abruptly, glancing around himself in confusion. Oh, this was Pico's room. When did he fall asleep? He was in his bed, wearing one of Pico's shirts and a pair of his boxers. He yawned and stretched his arms, though he felt another body next to him. "Oh you're up?" Pico's gruff voice sounded, and he looked over to see the ginger looking at him, a small smile on his face. It made Boyfriend smile also. "Sorry for knocking out on you. It was.. intense.." He blushed, and Pico laughed a little at him. "You look cute when you sleep.." He mumbled softly, and Bee made a face. "What? That's weird.." He teased him, and Pico rolled his eyes.

Boyfriend suddenly felt like he was missing something. Something important, and he knew what that something was. "Oh shit, what time is it?" He sat up quickly, and Pico frowned. "It's like seven thirty, why?"

Whitty has been alone at home all day! Fuck!

"Fuck, I gotta go.." He threw the blanket off of him, causing Pico to sit up as well. "He can handle himself can't he? Isn't he a grown man?"

"Well yeah! But.. He needs me.."

"I need you!"

Pico's retort made him pause and look at him. God, he did feel terrible about dipping on him like this. But Whitty.. He'll think he abandoned him. He wouldn't be surprised if he left the house completely at this point. "I..I'm sorry, Pico.." He mumbled. "I-I'll come back though I will! I swear I'm not blowing you off!"

Pico wore an unreadable expression, though he looked away and lied back down. "Yeah, okay." The words came out harshly, and Boyfriend winced. God he felt like shit. He stared at him for another moment, then left his bedroom, grabbing his pants to leave.

He thought about Pico the whole walk home, and even worse it had started to rain. He had to text him or something, but just knew he wouldn't respond. Not quickly anyway.

He unlocked the front door of his apartment, and quickly stepped inside, but was immediately greeted by the tight embrace of his large bomb man. "Thank god you're okay! You've been gone all day I thought someone hurt you or you got lost or maybe-maybe-" Bee quickly shushed him, laughing a little into his shoulder. "It's okay Whits, I'm here. I wouldn't leave you like that. I was.. running errands." He mumbled softly. Whitty pulled away, tear streaks on his own face. Boyfriend's heart broke. Had he been crying?

"You look sad, what happened? Did someone hurt you.. emotionally?" Whitty asked him softly, and Bee laughed again, dry this time. "No.. no.." He muttered. "I'll tell you about it later. You want dinner?" He offered, finally kicking off his shoes when Whitty gave him space at last. Whitty nodded eagerly. "I'm hungry.." He then informed him, pouting a little. He really did make Boyfriend smile..

[dimensionwriter]

100 Days

Part One

Alien x Reader

Warning: None

Word Count: 1947

*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

Okay so this is just an experiment in a way. So just remember to LIKE, COMMENT and REBLOG. I'll appreciate it.

*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

The creature floated in front of you in a giant alien containment. The container was 12 feet wide and 10 feet tall. The liquid that filled it was enriched with a substance that would allow the creature to continue to thrive even while being out of it's native world.

"How is experiment 337?" A deep voice buzzed in your ear. You jumped at the intrusive noise that disturbed the silence in the room. You sometimes forget that this is actually a job.

"Still unconscious, sir," you reported walking around the containment to look at it's sleeping form.

The creature had grayish blue skin that turned black once it reached it's appendages. It was bipedal with the legs thick and muscular. They had a set of arms that extended from it's shoulder, similars to a human. A second and third set of arms came from their spine and wrapped forward. A thick tail came from it's back and had a length of 3 feet and 2 inches.

"The vitals?" The voice demanded. You held in a sigh and walked over to the computer showing all the vitals. The things on the screen was a lot more complicated than that of a human.

"Fine, I believe. Though, the second heart has slowed down a lot in the last hour. Maybe get one of the doctors to come up here to check them out," you stated sliding through the chart the computer made on the creature's health. You guys didn't know how their normal health looked, so you just take the health they come in as normal and report any change in it.

"Damn thing might be trying to die on us. Well, it's not like it's giving us much information while it's unconscious, so might be a good thing." He ended it with a bark of laughter. You didn't join him as you rolled your eyes at him. He truly didn't have any patience. Some of the creatures that get sent here are here for months before they even begin to show some signs of responsiveness.

"Okay, sir. Please send that doctor in here," you quickly said before tapping your ear piece. You just had to get the boss that's the worse. He does not care for these creatures at all.

"You requested me," a montone voice asked. You turned around to see your vector's doctor walking in. They had a heavy set of bags under their eyes that showed how busy they were.

"Yeah, experiment 337's second heart rate seem to have slowed down," you explain pulling up the chart to show them. They leaned over your shoulder to look at them.

"I'll check on them. You can start your lunch break if you would like," they said looking over at you with a raised eyebrow. You pulled your lab coat back to look at your watch. Your break was supposed to start 20 minutes ago.

"Thanks. You can write anything you find in the notes under Experiment 337. I will see them there if you leave before I'm back," you rambled running around to grab your stuff. It's protocol to leave none of your things behind since you don't know what these creatures can do.

You took off your lab jacket and threw it in the waste bin. Glancing at the doctor, you could already see they were working on the creature. Hopefully nothing is wrong with them.

An hour later, you scan your ID at the door. It open slowly allowing you to see the empty room. Well except for the container with all the machinery hooked up to it. The doctor seem to be gone.

You threw your stuff on the free table and walked over to the metal closet. Inside of here were fresh and sterlized lab coats. There was also some gloves, but that was used if you could touch your experiment. And since yours were unconscious at the moment, it meant that you wouldn't be making any contact for a while.

"Examiner!" Someone yelled causing you to jump. You spun around towards the sound to see the doctor in the container. Their eyes were widen in panic as they struggled in the liquid.

"What? How?!" You stumbled while running to the container. You went to the computer to pull up the container's system. You have ot get them out.

"The creature. He woke up in the middle of me checking on him and he got out. I tried to push the panic alarm, but he sealed me in here. Hurry, get me out!" Their voice yelled out in fear. You stopped typing and turned slowly to the doctor.

"I noticed you said 'he' a lot. We usually say an alien is a they," you said lifting an eyebrow at the 'doctor'. They stopped thrashing and just floated. Since they weren't moving, you could see all the things hooked into them. No alien trying to escape would take the time to stick all those things into a person.

"Hmm, I thought I would identify closest to a male on this planet." The doctor's voice dropped two octaves causing your eyes to widen.

"You can shape shift," you screamed happily running to the glass. He looked exactly like the doctor. He even copied the mole hidden under their hair.

"What about it? You can't," he teased you raising a single eyebrow. It felt weird seeing the doctor, but having the actions and voice be so different.

"Can you please change? I have plenty of questions I want to ask you," you said going back to the computer. You closed the coding for the containment and pulled up the notes on this creature.

"Is this better, babe?" Your fingers froze as you turned your head slowly to the right. The creature was pressed against the glass closest to you. But instead of seeing an alien, you saw yourself.

"What's wrong, cat got your tongue?" The creature teased in your voice. A giant smirk slipped onto your face that looked so unnatural on you. "Well, I guess it's more like I have your tongue."

Laughter came out of your mouth as the creature started floating around. This felt weird. Seeing yourself do all these things while you are standing here really felt like whipflash.

"Wonder what's under here," he sung out before grabbing the front of the shirt. He pulled it away and started peaking around.

"Hey, stop that," you yelled banging on the glass. Deep laughter came from his, well yours, lips as he swam back over to the edge of the glass.

"Don't worry darling." He pulled the shirt down to reveal that underneath was his greyish blue skin. It faded from your skin into his as it passed the collar. "I can't turn into something I don't know."

You quickly turned to the computer and started typing in shapeshifter into his records. Putting a subsection underneath, you added that he can't shift into something he doesn't know or can't see.

"Is there anything else you cant do?" You asked looking over at him. Alien-you leaned back in the liquid and tapped his chin.

"I guess stop being so good looking," he grumbled out. You bit your lip as you thought of a perfect joke. It would be unprofessional to joke around with him, but you have heard other examiner say that they joke and play around with theirs.

"You do look like me, so I will have to agree with you on that statement." His mouth dropped open as soft stutters of laughter escaped. He closed it and rolled his tongue along his teeth.

Slowly, your skin started to turn into that grayish blue until your entire body started to contort. Your clothes turned to ashes before disappearing in the liquid. Jutting his head back, the skull seem to be shifting underneath as it became sharper and fuller.

"I think this looks a little a better," he purred pressing a clawed hand on the glass. He was back to his original form except this time clothed.

A skin tight black material covered from his knees to the peak of his neck, but it didn't cover any of his arms. It kind of reminded you of an old style swim suit in a way, very basic but covered all necessary things.

"So, you can produce clothing on yourself?" You asked thinking of how he perfectly replicated the clothes you were wearing. You leaned over to the computer and typed that in.

"Well, would you like for me to be butt naked in this container?" You stopped typing as you thought it over. It would help with getting data over everything and that increases chance for experiments. "I'm not liking that silence. You pervert."

Embarrassment encased your body as you shook your head trying to rid yourself of the accusation. "No, I was looking at it from a scientific standpoint. I promise."

He swam up and peaked over the top of the glass, so he was starring down at you. His black eyes glimmered with amusement as he threw a swift wink at you. "You can call it whatever you want, baby."

Your jaw dropped in shock at what you assumed was his flirtatious comment. What type of alien were you assigned to examine?

"I-" luckily you were cut off by a voice in your ear interrupting you. You had to stop yourself from letting out a groan as that annoying voice spoke.

"Don't forget we have a required seminar in 39 minutes. Go ahead and put your alien into hibernation and report all vitals before leaving." You rolled your eyes as you remember those dumb seminars. You really didn't want to go.

"Did I blow your mind, buttercup? Guess you imagine what is under my this suit." You zoned back into your environment as you looked back at the alien. Half of his upper body was tilting out of the container at you. His second and third set of arms slowly kept him afloat.

"Sadly, no. I have to put you to sleep now," you commented walking over to the computer. You quickly wrote in the notes that he seems to be made for swimming.

"But if I'm asleep, I can't see that beautiful face of yours," he whined out splashing his tail behind him. Luckily, none of it feel over.

"Don't worry, you can see me in your dreams," you joked typing in the code to send in the sleeping medicine. Blue liquid flowed from the machine and towards the IV stuck into him.

"You didn't even give me your name or give me a name." You tilted your head in confusion at the last statement. Why would you give him a name?

His eyes looked down at the blue liquid as it started going into him. He let out a shaky breath and dropped down into the container. His body slowly sank to the bottom where he leaned against the corner of the container.

You walked towards the glass and gently placed your hand on it. He was blinking slowly at you as he tried to fight the medicine. But you knew in ten seconds, he would be out.

"How about I call you Shark?" You joked looking at his grey skin. Bubbles floated out of his mouth from his laughter. His head plopped against the wall as his eyes shut.

"It's a good thing you cute or I would be offended by that." Silence followed as his breathing even out. The rest of his body sunk down into the floor.

Work was about to get a lot more exciting with him around. Maybe you could actually start looking forward to this.

*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\

So this is going to be an ongoing stories. I want to try to use some stories prompt or word prompts for this as practice for my writing. Also, I want to try to write a flirty character instead of a soft blushy one like usual. So this entire thing is a giant experiment for me. So leave a comment and let me know what you think.💜💜💜💜💜

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (14/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” And Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Note: Feedback is very much appreciated!

Link: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

Levi liked to believe he had the mental fortitude most—if not all of the challenges that stand in his way

Back when he was still jumping, competition after competition, that had been one of the more notable terms he had remembered hearing, constantly showered with praises.

Mental fortitude was important for every athlete. It was the reason behind perfect textbook motions during crunch time and breathtaking performances despite heckles from the crowd. It was the key to consistency or so he was told.

He only had his numbers and his stats to speak for him though. And he never contemplated for long enough on his own psyche, instead relying on the training and the performances to continue to speak for his strengths. So when the term ‘mental fortitude’ popped up in conversations with his coach, he didn’t think too much of it.

On the field, he was calm, he was collected and he was consistently focused on one goal: getting over the high bar in front of him.

Where did mental fortitude fall in that process? He would ask himself. Busy with the process of actually performing though, he never bothered to answer.

Five months after his last tournament, alone in his dormitory room with an ice pack propped on his injured knee, Levi was thinking back to that. And the long silent reflection had him stumbling upon one pathetic conclusion.

He never had the mental fortitude he was well praised to have possessed. The dreamcatcher he clutched tightly on his right hand, the phone he had placed on ‘do not disturb’ mode were testaments to that. Looking back at the tournaments, making sense of those emotions which were strongly linked to those experiences, he started to understand, the need to succeed at every tournament never felt too important to leave him pressured, shaken or entrenched in some do or die situation.

So it wasn’t mental fortitude that had pushed him forward. It had been something else carrying him through the bar, even in the most stressful situations. And soon enough, late night alone in his room picking at too many sensations and memories at once, he started to pick out that emotion, or so, the lack of it as he ran towards the bar and sailed through it.

He had this weird ability to easily disconnect from the audience. He could disconnect from his surroundings and from the factors that placed him in such circumstances where he had to perform.

And when he was disconnected from reality. He had no need for mental fortitude. Because if he could pretend the pain and pressures never existed and he could always pretend that running and jumping over the bar was just a slightly more difficult stroll in the park.

That ability had worked for him since so long before he could remember. It was a familiar companion and on the way home from the long hike he had scrambled for that go-to coping mechanism, willing it to do what it always did, pull him away from reality when reality started to seem too much more like an enemy than a companion.

For the first time though, it didn’t respond to pushes and prods. When he willed that habit to do its work, It didn’t. In fact, it had done worse than ‘not work.’ It pushed and prodded in return and as if taking advantage of its intimacy with Levi and the trust between them. It poked, maybe even stabbed where it knew it hurt.

Maybe that was the reason Levi was left frozen, shaken. Although he had tried to focus on the numbness that lay underneath it, he couldn’t. Because the root cause that consumed him wasn’t something he could have easily brushed away.

It was merciful enough to have allowed him a few hours of sleep that night though.

Or maybe it was his superstitious move borne of desperation that had him able to manage a few hours of sleep. He had been desperate enough to slip the dreamcatcher under his pillow, willing the dreams not to come. God knows those dreams could only confirm his suspicions on events his own emotions had only hinted at.

It was only back when he had fallen asleep though that it had seemed merciful. As soon as he awoke, it reminded Levi that it was cruel and vengeful. It was a weight much heavier than Levi had ever felt and it brought with it an ache that stung, crushed and grated all at the same time.

Muscle memory was what got him sitting up, placing his legs on the floor, his good one first, then his injured one, making sure the latter was well supported by the brace.

Routine was what had him checking his phone and the calendar that had him remembering he had a physical therapy session that day.

Soon after that, Hange barged into the room and reminded him that he had spent the long hours since they got home from their trip, isolated and unmoving in the room. And she pulled him up and mentioning what Levi had already figured out: it was a much busier weekend than he had expected it to be.

Right… Physical Therapy.

Her voice sounded distant, sometimes inaudible. She guided him through routine motions. She mentioned something about Erwin, then something about Armin and Mikasa. And in Levi’s little trance, it was as if she was speaking another language, and only those familiar names stood out in that one sided conversation.

When he willed himself to make sense of the syllables and to take control of his hands and his arms, it started to tick. When he pulled his thermal underwear over his body, then his sweater, he started to make it out as something a little clearer: a ticking time bomb inside him.

Sometimes, the ticking was strong and loud enough to aggravate something else inside him And Levi noticed it flared when Hange brushed next to him, when she would caress him, when she spoke, whether it be in whispers, in playful banter and sometimes with a tone too excitable that made Levi jump.

He soon realized though the effects were all the same. The bomb flared regardless of the volume of her voice or the firmness of her touch. Her presence was all that was needed for the time bomb to continue to tick and flare, tick and flare.

He couldn’t find a way to brush it away through, to disconnect like he had done many times before. He found himself instead getting amicable with that bomb inside him. Since that was the only thing he could do to get through the day.

Hange was a double edged sword, a necessary evil. She had done her part to keep him rooted in reality and to make the plight of getting through the day a little more bearable and very much possible. At the same time though, Levi was certain she was inadvertently aggravating the pain inside him.

It was just too much of a coincidence that looking straight into her eyes, letting her prattle on about plans as they got ready and made their way out of the dorm, left him nursing dull phantom aches. And when she had left him in the waiting room, mentioning something about meeting Erwin, Levi found himself relieved more than anything.

The reprieve though was short-lived.

“Hey Levi! It’s been a while. Looks like you’re off the crutches now?”

The ache came back, a different kind of ache yet at the same time an ache all too familiar that Levi was sure the crushing weight was similar, the same recurring visitor. As if that recurring visitor had stepped out of the room with Hange, yet stepped back in as soon as he saw her off.

“You okay?” The brunet asked.

Levi could only make eye contact for a split second longer before images of the dismembered body of the brunet flashed before him. Levi quickly looked back down at the blank slate on the white tiled floor. “I’m fine.” Levi managed to say. It could have come out as a cough or as a rasp. He didn’t have enough grip of his surroundings to tell.

“You okay? You’re looking a little pale. You sure you’re in the right ward?” There was good humor in that tone but even if the joke had been worth a laugh, Levi wouldn’t have let out a smile.

Someone propped their hands on his lap. Levi didn’t have to look up to tell who it was. He saw images of her decapitated head too vividly, he could have sworn it wasn’t just a figment of his imagination. “Levi, I just finished my last session for this year. So I guess we’ll be seeing you around January or February already?”

Did they make conversation after that? The rest had been a blur. But somewhere along the way, they had ended with pleasantries.

“Happy holidays!”

“Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.” Greetings were routine and mechanical so those were easy enough to say.

He achieved the bare minimum at least to have the two leave him alone. And alone in the silence, he let out a breath that came out rough and raspier than he would have liked.

Why does it feel so heavy? They’re alive. He reminded himself then. But he only had to look back at his own writing to recall everything. Farlan and Isabel, his companions in the underground city died a long time ago, long before he had even met Hange.

But why was he mourning a death he had only ever written about? And why did it only hurt then? Months after he had last written about them?

The answer never came. Any semblance of one though had come a few minutes after he thought it.

“Sorry to keep you waiting!” It was just like her to apologize for a few minutes’ wait. She had always been punctual after all.

Punctual, obedient and caring. Levi was rattling off epithets in his mind like he was giving a eulogy.

“Come on, let’s get you up to speed.” She grabbed his two hands and gently pulled him up. She led him through the therapy room, passing one person after the other. And it was easy enough to follow suit.

Her eyes were scanning everything as she spoke, too full of life that Levi shouldn’t have been able to so easily picture her leaning limply on a tree.

Lifeless. For some reason, Levi’s stomach was turning.

“Okay, I’ll unwrap this now…” The sound of velcro, the weight falling of his leg, those two sensations in particular penetrated into his trance. “Levi are you okay? You haven’t talked since we got here. But you never really talk anyway… Sorry for asking, I realized that just sounds weird.”

“I’m fine. Just a little tired.” Another scripted response. But it seemed to work.

“Okay… One foot in front of the other.”

Levi followed the motions in front of him. Not the voice. He willed himself to look down, so he could forget her presence, force himself to pretend it wasn’t her of all people supporting him through the ordeal of putting weight on his injured knee.

For a split second, he was almost grateful for his injury, the odd sensation in his step was jarring enough for him to be able to forget her voice for a moment.

But only for a moment.

His knee was off the brace and for a few seconds it was stiff. Stiff enough that Levi thought it would hold as he put his left foot forward, forcing a little more weight on it than what could have been comfortable. And it threatened to wobble, it threatened to let go, unbuckle, retear all the already damaged ligaments underneath. It threatened to leave him on the ground worse off than before.

As Levi pondered those possibilities all at once, his thoughts flew back to the ticking inside him. It had been nagging to get his attention since a while ago after all. The knee was a call back to it with the way it threatened to explode and send pain rattling through him.

Just like the ticking time bomb.

Of all things, it was the routine exercises that had him understanding the nature of the aches and the weights that had been looming above him since their hike. The ache was a side effect of carrying such heavy weights. But where did the weight come from?

Uncertainty was a weight. Confusion, chaos and confrontations with the unknown were weights. Grief and mourning were weights. Levi couldn’t tell which it had been or whether it was all of them at once. They were glomping at him though and it was a miracle Levi could even get one foot in front of the other.

“What are you guys doing here?”

“We thought we’d show up now, you know... In case you end early.”

“You didn’t have to, I still have twenty more minutes left. You're way too early.”

“It’s your belated birthday celebration. Besides, we haven’t seen each other in months.”

“Yeah, Oluo here was the one who insisted we hurry.”

“Shut up!”

Petra Ral. Oluo Bozado. Gunther Schultz. Eld Jinn.

The conversation continued, peppered with too many protests from Petra.

Just go. Levi would have wanted to say. He was in no mood to even be outside. The echo of unintelligible conversations were only making the whole ordeal unbearable already.

“Oh, is that… Levi Ackerman?”

“Oluo, he can hear you.”

“So the rumors were true. You really did get injured during training.”

Was Oluo talking to him? Levi forced his eyes up at them, and at that moment, the scene in the forest flashed before him. But he kept his chin high and let out a slight nod.

Oluo was saying something else to him. Followed by Gunther then Eld.

Introductions? Levi was too busy reminding himself that they were alive to even comprehend such a conversation. They’re alive. Those two words had become a chant that overpowered any other attempt at conversation.

“Petra, go ahead. Think of this as an early birthday present.” The person who spoke up should have been a life saver. After all, he looked like he had been successful in getting Petra's attention.

Petra looked very much ready to listen to that voice as she let go of Levi's hands and looked to the chair behind him. “Really?”

“Levi shouldn’t be having too strenuous of a session. I’ll handle it for today.” But he wasn't an hero. In fact, his voice had only left Levi worse off than before.

“If you say so… But why, sir?”

“It was my fault, I took him hiking yesterday. Sorry for only telling you now...” That was Hange's voice.

Levi expected relief to wash over him or maybe a lightness to take over as Petra guided him to his seat and let go of him. Surprisingly though, it had left him heavier, yet oddly empty. Even when she had said her goodbyes and walked away with her group of friends, Levi found himself completely frozen, unable to even look up and muster a smile in greeting.

There were more pressing matters after all. Like that one moment he started to realize how the weight had managed to feel heavier, even when it was already crushing him both inside and out.

I’m making the choice. Give up on your dreams and die. Lead the soldiers straight to hell.

Isn’t that what he told him? Before he marched to his death?

“Don’t get me wrong hiking is great physical therapy. But this is something Levi should have only been after a few more months of recovery.” Erwin crouched down in front of him and started to push at his knee.

“I should have been more careful,” Hange said.

Erwin continued. “This isn’t just an ACL tear. We’re talking about a multiple ligament injury. Full recovery is far more difficult to attain.” He gently ran his hands through Levi’s knee for a few seconds and soon he started to guide the knee through some light exercises.

Was it supposed to hurt? His knee was stiff. It was resisting the bends for sure. But was it hurting? Levi was starting to realize, he couldn’t tell. At that moment, he was dealing with pains far greater than that

“Levi, can you tell me if anything hurts? It looks like there’s no residual swelling at least…”

“Nothing hurts.” That was easy enough to say.

Those cold blue eyes locked on Levi’s, as if studying him. That should have been enough to keep him focused on reality. But how many times had he seen those cold blue eyes somewhere else? And Levi’s mind started to wander elsewhere, to that last view of Erwin on his horse before he took down the beast titan, to that last attempt to keep him alive, and finally, to that choice to let him die.

I didn’t regret it. But should he have regretted it?

“You sure? If you keep this to yourself, you might just end up regretting it,” Erwin said.

I didn’t regret it. Levi thought to himself. Did he say it out loud? He couldn’t tell.

At that moment, even when Levi had let his eyes fall to the ground, he still felt Erwin’s eyes on him, cold and calculating. He was certain he didn’t regret his decision to let Erwin die that day.

Regret, grief and fear though were three different monsters in themselves. Although one of them, he had easily brushed away, the latter two lingered. Did Erwin hold any animosity towards him for making that decision? Should he have let him live so he could see the basement?

Did those feelings have anything to do with the ache in his heart then, the feeling of being completely frozen, with the world completely out of his control?

Levi couldn’t be too sure. So he verbalized the only emotion that he could grasp. “I won’t regret it.”

Erwin let out a sigh. His features softening. And somehow that quick turn of events had Levi a little taken aback. “I don’t care if you won’t regret it. My job here as your doctor is to give you the best prospects. Competitive jumping is out of the basket for sure. but who knows you might be able to go into long distance running or cycling in the future…”

Levi watched as a hand settled on his thigh, he followed it to see Erwin had stood up. Levi didn’t meet his eyes then but he could have sworn he could feel Erwin’s gaze on him.

“It pains me to see someone like this giving up on recovery,” Erwin continued. “Especially someone with your talent Levi. You shouldn’t have to limit the world for yourself over one incident.”

You shouldn’t have to limit the world for yourself over one incident.

You shouldn’t have to limit the world for yourself over one promise.

Over one promise. Would Erwin have told him that then? Levi looked up at Erwin again just to be certain those words hadn’t been some figment of a fevered dream. Levi met his eyes and somehow, he found assurance in the way Erwin's features had softened and the the way his lips curled up into a subtle smile..

“Hange, take care of him okay? I’ll see you two later.” Those had been the last words Levi remembered Erwin saying. He had said something about having to check on a few more pages. Hange had commented something about him overworking himself on a Sunday of all days then proceeding to call him a workaholic.

It was definitely a ‘see you later.’ Not a ‘goodbye.’ But somehow, it cut deeper, it cut into him so heavily that Levi could only sit frozen, grappling for some comprehension of his emotions then.

He was alive. Hell, all of them were still alive. Yet Levi was sure, he was still mourning. And he was mourning multiple deaths at once. Deaths that didn’t happen yet Levi could have sworn had happened. That was what manifested as this crushing weight on his shoulders and an ache in his heart.

A weight on his shoulders. Hange decided to play on that then. Levi found himself looking up to see her looking down at him. The weight? Of course there’d be weight, she had placed both her hands on his shoulders and squeezed them hard.

“Come on, let’s go out for lunch.” She gave him the warmest smile. Eventually she let go though, instead pulling him up from the chair.

“Lunch?”

“Didn’t I tell you this morning? I got Armin to meet us for lunch. And he’s taking Mikasa with him. You wanted to talk to Mikasa right?” Hange didn’t wait for a reply. Instead she pulled him gently out of his seat and guided him to a standing position.

Levi didn’t plan on responding anyway, too occupied by everything else at once. Even when she was the one pulling her weight, the heavy weight on his shoulders stayed and it blanketed him, all the way until his back and down to his knees.

A strange feeling altogether. He had clocked that familiar weight to grief and mourning minutes ago already and his mind had supplemented his comprehension with visions of their last moments, visions of lifeless bodies.

Yet, even when Levi continued to stare at Hange, even when he had tried to find something similar in her hazel eyes in that split second that they locked, his efforts came up empty.

So he continued to search, even when she had looked away, pulled him through the stark white hallways of the hospital. For a good long while, all he could see was a back profile. Hange after all, had been pulling him the whole way, guiding him through.

That view in itself served as some veritable reminder that she had left him a similar weight. Yet there was no vision of a body, no vision of that last moment with her.

All Levi had was a good bye. But it wasn’t a ‘good bye,’ it was a ‘see you later.’ She had only turned her back on him and flown up to the sky after all.

Just because she flew up, didn’t mean she wouldn’t fly back down right?

Hange’s voice faded to the background. In the silence that followed, the silence that loomed over the ten minute stroll all the way to the diner. The time bomb was still ticking.

And it was ticking much louder. It was cunning about it. It ticked to the rhythm of murmurs, the clack of footsteps and to the honking of cars and it created a cacophony of sounds in the silence that battered Levi in a way that he could have sworn was only for him.

And finally it ticked to the bell that rang at the entrance of the diner.

“You’re here!” Hange chimed. She raised one hand in greeting.

Levi didn’t bother to follow her gaze but he was sure she had been talking about Armin. Soon after, he felt the grip on his hand tighten.

Hange continued to pull him forward. “Mikasa has a really busy schedule. We were lucky to get her off on a Sunday.”

He had been planning to talk to Mikasa. But somehow, then, he wasn’t at all excited to see her. Every familiar face he had run into that day had forced through him more emotions than necessary.

So he braced himself as he sat on the booth. When Hange had brushed her hand next to him and put her arm playfully around him, he tensed up for a second as once again and the ticking inside him flared. He moved to avoid the gaze of both Mikasa and Armin who had already settled on the booth minutes before.

“Armin! It’s been a while. Thank you for taking the time out to see me. I just wanted to send over a few documents for my thesis…” Hange started.

The rustle of papers, the sound of rubber swatting on paper, an envelope closing and opening.

And Hange continued. “Could you make sure your friends go through it and sign it? No rush though, I’m sure they’re still busy with competitions. You can send it over next year after the winter holidays.”

“I’ll still try my best to get it done as early as I can... You’re pressed for time right?”

“I still have a lot of other sections to write so even if you send it early, I probably wouldn’t look through it until mid January or even February.”

“Will remember that.” Armin was silent for a moment before he spoke up again. “Also… Levi...”

Levi didn’t need to look at them to feel Armin’s gaze on him. Armin’s tone was hesitant and maybe a little too soft, yet somehow, that tone in particular made the unwanted attention all the more glaring. “Armin…” Levi said, as he let out a light nod in greeting. He braced himself for another ache, like the ones that had been bombarding him since he woke up that morning.

As it turned out though, nothing came.

“Oh, you still remember my name! I thought you would have forgotten since we didn’t talk for long,” Armin continued. “I’m not the most memorable person either…”

Levi slowly looked up to see Armin and Mikasa sitting side by side, like he had seen them so many times before in dreams. Oddly enough, Looking at them didn't give the same effect he had braced himself for.

And he found himself questioning. Was it really grief? Yet Hange’s presence there next to him was pounding, it was crushing. So how could he be so sure, it wasn't his inability to process at fault?

“Nice to meet you,” Levi said. He wondered if it had taken him longer than necessary to muster that greeting. He started to realize then, he had lost track of time.

“Hange told me you needed to talk to Mikasa so I asked her to come along.”

“Sorry if it was a little too last minute…” Hange said. “But I’m really grateful you showed up.

“No, it’s fine,” Mikasa answered. She let out a sliver of a smile and stuck out her hand for a shake. “I don’t do much on Sundays.”

“Either way, lunch is my treat,” Hange said as she pushed the menus closer to them with one hand and reciprocated the handshake with the other. “Order whatever you want.”

Ordering their next meal was quick and easy. Levi found himself skimming through the first page and picking whatever meal had the largest picture and the most glaring large price. He couldn’t bring himself to think beyond that.

The process of ordering the meals was methodical, natural and to Levi, it felt almost like an odd source of calm.

A calm which ended a little too soon. “You’re Levi Ackerman, the high jumper from Paradis University right?” Mikasa spoke up first. She had phrased it as a question but she sounded sure of her conjecture.

When Levi looked at her eyes, he was sure she knew the answer. He didn’t bother to even nod in return.

“Your coach put you up to this huh?”

“Put me up to what?” Levi found himself playing the same game as her.

“He’s been approaching me about applying since October,” Mikasa said.

“That’s what scouts do,” Levi answered matter-of-factly. “They look for the best players and convince them to join the team.”

“Tell them I’m not interested. I’m taking a gap year,” Mikasa said.

Levi could see from his peripherals the way Armin had fidgeted in his seat.

Hange looked like she was still finding the right words to say. She cleared her throat. “Why are you taking a gap year?”

There was someone she didn’t wanna leave behind. His coach had told him the answer already.

And he had the name on hand already. “It’s Eren isn’t it?” Levi asked.

“Eren?” Hange asked. “Your other friend?”

If Mikasa was surprised about how quickly Levi had figured out the root cause, she just didn’t show it. She looked unfazed as she answered. “I’ll wait for Eren to decide what college he’ll be going to.”

“Paradis University is a good school. You should at least consider it.” Hange said.

Armin nodded in agreement. “We’ve talked about this Mikasa.”

“I don’t wanna leave Eren. Besides, the prestige of the university isn't important to me.”

“It’s not just that,” Levi said. “If you want to continue high jumping after college…” It was hard enough already for Levi to speak up. The way Mikasa looked at him though had him a little more self conscious than usual and Levi found himself trailing off.

“What if I don’t wanna continue high jumping in college?” Mikasa asked. She gave him a onceover, all too observantly, almost judgemental. “I heard about your injury. I’m sure you already know what can happen if we overcommit to one thing.”

Overcommit? You lose everything in one go then you scramble to find some other purpose. Then Levi found himself asking something else. Was he the best person to convince Mikasa? He was a textbook example of a worst case scenario after all.

Despite such doubts though, Levi was convinced he was someone who could. He stared intently at Mikasa and studied the way she avoided his gaze soon after making such a bold statement. He started to suspect that that wasn’t her only reason for hesitating.

He only had to listen to that little voice in his head. The one that accompanied that ticking sensation and the dull aches to figure it out for himself. “You’re not gonna lose Eren if you go to a different college.”

“It’s not about losing him. It’s about wanting to be with him.”

“So you’re willing to give up a good opportunity like this… for Eren?”

Eren. He had said that name more than enough times in that span of a few minutes. He saw the way Mikasa avoided his gaze as she let her eyes fall.

Mikasa had given him that look before--- or more specifically, she had tried to avoid giving him that look before.

We can still talk to Eren. Levi started to hear those words as echoes, then too vividly. That was when Levi noticed, the past few minutes, he had been a little lighter, he had managed to round up enough conversation without having to pull some weight.

But what was it? He only had to let it loose for a bit to understand.

Something had ignited inside Levi, an ember that soon enough might even evolve into something difficult to control.

Give me a break… How many times did we save his life only for him to betray us like that?

But Mikasa wanted to stay with him. Levi soon realized, it wasn’t anything new. She had always been over fixated on Eren and with that, it was only natural that she would struggle to let go of him.

Levi barely knew Eren though. But at the same time, he could have sworn he knew him well.

We’re not in a place where we can be concerned about Eren any longer.

The frustration came first. The scenes that replayed in his head in a split second soon followed. When all three of them were watching him, Levi found himself unable to do anything but grip the edge of the table until his knuckles burned.

What was he supposed to tell her? Even before Levi could cherry pick the best statements in a vat full of emotions and memories which weren’t supposed to exist anyway, his mouth went ahead.

And he only realized he had probably said something a little too offensive, too out of touch from the current situation when he noticed the way Mikasa’s face shifted from one of pure surprise to one seemingly reminiscent of some raw animosity.

“Eren? What do you know about Eren?” Hange asked, looking surprised about the turn of events.

Eren was in the story for sure. Levi soon realized though, he had never connected that name to the founding titan in his writings.

Eren was the founding titan. The puzzle pieces were starting to build events a little more clearly. And soon enough Levi was seeing flashes of scenes as he stared up at Mikasa.

“What the hell do you know about Eren? Besides, why are you the one approaching me? Are you the captain of their team or something? Are you sucking up to your coach? Are you trying to get back on his good side after injuring yourself?” Mikasa asked. Her voice was cold and whether she had meant any ill will with the way she mouthed off like that, Levi never figured it out.

He tensed up with one word. Captain.

“Oh, you’re the captain?” Armin chimed in a little too enthusiastically, as if trying to dissipate the thickness of the air then. “Last time, I remembered it was Elijah… Maybe next time we should invite him…”

Captain Levi.

The next few memories enjoyed a smooth entrance in flashes, in sensations. But for the first time though, a meticulous-minded Levi didn’t enjoy such organization.

Captain Levi. Armin was still calling him captain even when he was already commander.

But Hange was the commander. Or so that was what Levi remembered. Since when was Armin commander? The memories answered the questions as soon as he asked him.

Levi was left speechless, void of any more questions.

“Levi? Are you okay?”

I’m going home.

Along the way, the memories had jostled that ticking bomb inside him. Soon, it turned out, it wasn't a bomb that waited for time to elapse. It was a bomb waiting for the right pressure at the right points.

The flares were threats that had seemed empty at first. But Levi soon realized, the bombshell continued to expand within him as if in slow motion. When it had enough, it threatened to release something worse.

And Levi was terrified to see what it was capable of.

“Levi, where are you going?”

Home. But where was home? The dorm? It used to be Hange. Maybe a few days ago, it would have been anywhere with her.

Levi lowered his expectations. Not home. Somewhere where he could be alone.

He called a taxi, and gripped the side door the whole way home. He had wasted a good meal worth of food with that taxi ride but Levi wasn’t feeling like eating anyway. He hobbled up the stairs and straight to his room, ignoring the twinge of protests from his knee.

The bomb had exploded a while back. It released more emotions than necessary. But as Levi soon realized--- and he should have known before---pent up emotions don’t have to come out as tears or as red hot anger.

It could come as catatonia. It could come out as a light switch that was hurriedly turned off inside him then a gradual transition to darkness and silence.

When he arrived in his empty dorm room, he felt it and he saw a blank slate, only accentuated by the darkness of the room. Levi couldn’t even bring himself to turn on the lights.

Write. Wasn’t that what he had been doing since before?

Those emotions that had released inside him that brought forth inside him---a blank slate, were begging to be written. But soon Levi realized, it wasn’t begging. They were threatening to force themselves out in predictable ways.

He had to find a way out.

Have you tried writing out how you feel? It’s a great way to process your thoughts and emotions. Something whispered inside him. Shela's words from months ago still echoed clearly in his head.

And the movements that followed were automatic. The laptop was in sleep mode. He only had to click once to reopen the desktop, click twice to open the browser and click one more time to bookmark the document where he had written everything.

Levi scrolled down to the last sentence.

Shoot or Listen. It’s up to you. He took a deep breath and continued to write.

***

Levi didn’t lock the door. And for what felt like an eternity, he was in his own world.

That eternity turned out to have lasted only a few hours though. By the time he noticed, the sun had set and Levi found himself staring at the clock at the bottom right of his screen.

He stared at it for a good long while. Even after the footsteps stopped. Even after the door slammed behind him.

“I just wanted to check on you. You’ve been snappy since we got back yesterday…” Even after Hange started talking.

And she continued to talk, even when Levi had committed to staring at his screen for the next minute already.

“I thought for a while that it could be because I did something wrong… I mean, yeah I brought that plan up out of nowhere. When I saw you were irritable yesterday I thought of inviting you to come with me and Armin… And I invited Mikasa along to help you out and since you didn’t protest, I thought it would be a good idea… But what Mikasa said hadn’t been nice either… She’s sorry about it...” Hange trailed off. She let out an uncomfortable sounding cough.  “The point is, Levi if you’re not comfortable with what I’m doing, just tell me. If you’re feeling sad about something, or angry, you know you can run to me right? You’ve been dealing with my bullshit for so long, this is the least I can do.” She paused for a second. “Are you listening? I really think it's important that we resolve this now…”

Then the lights came on, the glare bright enough for Levi to tense up in his seat.

“Sorry...The room was so dark.” Hange added wryly. “But anyway, I’m worried. Actually though I’ve been worried about you since your knee injury…”

The footsteps came closer yet Levi couldn’t bring himself to move. He eyed the X button on his browser. Yet the vacillation took a second longer than he would have liked.

“Is this about your story?” Hange asked. Yet, she didn’t seem surprised, as if that was where she wanted the conversation to go the whole time.

Levi didn’t answer.

“You know, I read your document before I came here,” Hange prodded the topic without hesitation. “Correct me if I’m wrong because I’m probably just making some weird assumptions now but… is this about Commander Hange dying in your story? Since you know, those are the newest updates I saw on the document, since you left the diner...”

Commander Hange? Dying? “She didn’t die.”

“Really?” Hange sounded purplussed. “When she flew up and fought the titans... but maybe I read it wrong.”

“She flew up,” Levi agreed. He found himself mimicking her tone as he said it, as if the only way he could bring himself to speak was to take the words from her and make it his own. “But it doesn’t mean she isn’t coming down,” he added a second later.

“But she burned alive right? Up there…” Hange said. “Unless...I did read it wrong.”

In the silence that followed, Levi could only watch as an icon appeared on the upper right of his screen--- anonymous otter. Hange had opened the document up on her phone.

“See you later, Hange. Keep watching over us,” She read aloud.

It felt almost surreal hearing those words from her mouth. The words stung and they stung as badly or even worse than they did when he first wrote it out. Hange’s voice of all things, repeating those same words he had said so long ago, sounded almost mocking.

Levi stared at the black line that blinked next to that sentence and he was almost tempted to erase those words before she said it again.

“Keep watching over us… It’s only natural people would assume she died right?” Hange asked.

He looked back to see her sitting on his bed, staring at her phone. “There was no body,” Levi argued.

“So she’s coming back?”

No. She didn’t. But thinking and saying those words meant different things and Levi was in no mood to articulate such a proposition.

“So she didn’t come back?” Hange asked, she waved her hand in front of him, looking pointedly at him as if to say ‘your face says it all.’

And Levi found himself a little self conscious of that last face he made. “It’s not over. She could still come back.”

“Captain Levi’s last view of Commander Hange was her burning alive and before that, didn’t she ask Captain Levi to let her go?”

“Why are you pushing it? Do you want her to be dead?”

Hange gave him the most incredulous look. “But you’re the one who wrote it…. Hange died....” She looked away for a second, out at the window, but it didn’t look like she was appreciating the scenery. Before Levi could ponder such a reaction, she looked back at him, looking much calmer. “Are you okay Levi?”

Levi found it useless to answer. He could see in her eyes, Hange had already made a conclusion already.

“Why is Commander Hange’s death bothering you so much? Is this related to the knee injury? Is this related to losing jumping? Is this related to your hyperfixation with writing now? Come on, Levi. Talk to me. And now that I think about it, how long has it been since you talked to Shela?”

“I’ve been busy with school.”

“Okay, you’re busy with school. Then I’ll be Shela. Talk to me. I’ll listen. What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay. Nothing's wrong then." Hange nodded her head so gaudily it was obvious she didn't agree. "But Commander Hange’s dead.”

“It pisses me off how you can say that with such a casual voice.”

“Because I’m talking about the Commander Hange in your story. As far as I can tell, she died. And I have enough confidence in my reading comprehension skills Levi. Besides, why are you so touchy about her being dead?”

“Because. She. isn’t. Dead.”

“Why are you overfixated on a character you’re writing? And why are you insisting that she’s alive even after describing her burning alive in the air?”

“Why are you so obsessed with saying she’s dead?”

Hange raised her hands up in exasperation. “I’m not obsessed with saying she’s dead. If I’m obsessed with anything, it’s with pulling you out of this hole you dug yourself into. If you’re looking for Hange Zoe… She’s right here. I’m right here. I’m alive Levi.” Her voice sounded desperate. Her face though then had been genuine, like it always had been since he met here.

Yet, Levi found it mocking. “Are you commander Hange?”

Hange’s face fell. “Why name your character Hange Zoe then?” She challenged.

“Because that’s her name.”

“That’s my name too. Are you saying it’s a coincidence that our names are both Hange?”

“If you were Hange, you would know what happened to her.”

“She died,” Hange said too easily. Her voice was getting more and more grating by the second. But she didn’t stop. “My name is Hange Zoe, squad leader titan and researcher. On our expedition to take back Wall Shiganshina, Commander Erwin Smith died and left me with the commander title. Then the world opened up, then we prepared for a war with Marley…”

With the words flowed carried by that familiar voice, Levi could have sworn it was very much Hange.

And she continued. “Then in the forest… I told you...'I’d rather we just live here together, right Levi?'”

As she continued to talk, as she continued to quote herself, Levi could almost believe it had been her. But he couldn’t help but notice the disconnect in her tone.

“And when the colossal titans caught up… There was only one way out right? So I volunteered myself…”

You understand right? It’s finally here. It’s my turn. I want to look as cool as I possibly can right now.

So just let me go, will you?

The disconnect was apparent. When Commander Hange had said those words, her voice had cracked and faltered, particularly to the sound of the rumbling behind them then that was only getting louder and louder. Yet the Hange in front of him then, was saying it with a voice that was almost rehearsed.

Levi almost regretted sharing that file with her. Or maybe he did regret it. “Commander Hange would have remembered.”

“Remember what?”

Levi looked back at the screen and he let the catatonia once again blanket that bout of irritability. “Could you do me a favor. Just leave me alone first.” It had been a habit to say her name when he could since her name had served as some sort of a sanctuary since he first heard it. Oddly enough though, at that moment, even just saying her name out loud in his head had him recoiling. “I think I need to resolve this on my own.”

Hange let out a hitched breath. “Could you do me a favor too? It doesn’t have to be me… but can you at least talk to someone, Levi?” she asked.

Levi. The way she had said, had sounded so familiar. As if she knew him. But she knew nothing about Captain Levi and for some reason, that had Levi almost irritated, as if at that moment, Hange was prying into barriers he had set up for himself. Barriers that only Commander Hange should have been able to penetrate.

“Maybe I will talk to someone,” Levi said coldly. “I don’t need to hear it from you. Also, turn off the lights on your way out.” He fixed his eyes again on the screen, at the black letters on the white screen which weren’t making sense then. Maybe because he was too focused on the long sigh that had cracked along the way.

Hange’s sigh and that crack in her voice, like he had heard it countless times alone with her in the commander’s office. Then room went dark again as she switched off the lights and slammed the door shut.

Even when she had left the room, Levi heard her stilted sigh of exhaustion like he had heard it in the forest then, then in Odiha before she flew up in the air.

That’s the first time I’ve heard you say that Levi.

Even long after the door slammed behind him, Levi found himself fixated on that last line. Those last words spoken to him.

Maybe he started to believe that Commander Hange was gone too. Hange had proven it herself, although she was the closest thing to Commander Hange, she wasn’t Commander Hange either.

He closed the document to see the file was still displayed on his drive. He right clicked on it and down to the ‘remove’ button. He hovered his mouse over ‘remove’ then over the trash icon.

He started to wonder why the document existed and why he had shared it to Hange of all people. And with that, it became a little easier to click.

He clicked on ‘trash.’

Items in trash are deleted forever after thirty days. Thirty days was too long. He right clicked the document. His mouse hovered over those last two buttons for a few seconds more.

Restore

Delete forever.

‘Forever’ is a very long time. And that word in particular had Levi hesitating, keeping his mouse over it for a good few seconds more.

Then he started to wonder. What was the point of writing it? Who was he satisfying, writing everything out? And if Hange had existed, hell if Erwin, Petra, Isabel, Farlan and everyone else had existed, only to die, what was the point of writing everything out?

Of all things, it was Hange’s rant of a while ago that had him hesitating for maybe even a minute longer. Hange was invested for sure. If he hadn’t heard that disconnect in her voice, that part of her voice that lacked 'the Commander Hange' element, maybe he would have believed she was the commander.

But it was apparent in her voice, she wasn’t the commander. She was Hange Zoe, college senior, pre med student Hange Zoe who had gotten a little too attached to the story.

Her investment, her attempt to recount the story to Levi, had been that final nail on the coffin that had him clicking ‘delete forever’ twice in a row, a little too quickly.

He had been too invested too. For a few minutes longer, Levi stared at that empty space in his dashboard, and he couldn’t so easily get rid of the emptiness in his chest then.

What now? That question had been a little too difficult to answer. And Levi limped back to the bed and started to scroll through his phone. Seeing the message in all capital letters in banner notifications, Levi opened his messages.

LEVI? WHERE’S THE FILE?

And before Levi could respond, he heard footsteps get louder. Levi lunged for the door and locked it, gritting his teeth as it sent a wave of pain up his knee.

One knock. Then two. Then she spoke up. “Levi! Did you delete it? Levi?” Another knock.

He would have liked to ignore it, let her knock until her knuckles ached. But she had been difficult to ignore, especially as the knocks evolved to slams on the door.

“Come on! Why the hell did you do that?”

“It’s my file. I can do what I want,” Levi shouted, hopefully loud enough for her to hear.

Just outside the door, she had said other things for sure but Levi had started to scroll through his timelines, immersing himself instead on jumps, cat videos and the latest scandal on twitter.

Along the way, the words died down from screams of nonsense, and Levi started to listen again as it mellowed down to a crack in her voice, and a sound that had sounded like a mix of a sigh, a grown and a scream.

“I’m sorry,” she said. Then there were footsteps. Then silence.

For the next hour, it had been him and his timeline. An hour after that, he found himself looking through videos of Mikasa, then Elijah, then Mike then Nanaba.

They were all busy with Nationals and they would be for the next few months. Elijah had an invitation to train with the national team. With a quick google search, Levi confirmed as well that Mike and Nanaba had their invites too.

He felt the beginnings of what could have been a rumination of what-ifs that Levi was sure wouldn't have been a pleasant experience. Before his mind could wander though, he quickly put his phone in his bed side drawer and scooched a few more inches away from it. The distance was enough at least for Levi to scooch back closer to it, bend down and reopen the drawer.

But even without the material, Levi was reflecting. Eventually, he had let the uncertainty, that fear of the unknown blanket him in the dark. The weight loomed again and the aches took over.

And they whispered too many questions at one. Questions that Levi soon realized could be summarized to two words. What now?

[sly-merlin]

Hi I saw that your requests are open.would you mind writing something exo‘s Kai where he misses a date bcs he’s out with his friends and he forgot. Thank you!!

{ thank you so much for requesting! i love exo and the people who ignite my love for them. have a nice day ! }

“your phone is vibrating again!” jongdae nudged jongin who was too immersed in the movie to notice the device buzzing in his pocket.

“it’s just y/n. let’s watch the movie now.” jongin replied monotonously. 

jongdae merely shook his head at the younger and did as said. the 9 boys giggled and whistled with the audience as the movie came to its end.

“how about another movie?” loey wiggled his brows in antipication as the boys howled in approval. “ where is our leader anyway?” he asked , craning his neck to find him in the scattered crowd.

“talking to his mom! she was calling him since the morning but he just saw the missed calls so he’s getting schooled i guess!”sehun cackled making everyone bursting in laughter.

“you all wait for him.i’m going to use the bathroom. anybody wanna join?” jongin screamed while taking back steps.

“shhh! we don’t want attention you freak. go with him soo or he’ll attract the fangirls llike this!” kyungsoo reluctantly followed minseok’s instructions as he slowly caught up to jongin who looked like he had no worries in the world!

“the number you are trying to reach is not available,please try after sometime”

the same electronic message was playing from last 2 hours. while the first three hours were spent in waiting and cursing him for being late , the fury in you head was now looming into extreme worry. he was supposed to be home at 9 p.m sharp for the date that was a history now.

 from last forty-five minutes, you were pacing around the living room in the very same pajamas that were the subject of the date. you contemplated calling one of the members but it was already past 12 and the fact that they all lived with their partners coerced your mind from being indecent. 

suddenly the front door opened and there came your fiance jongin!

and the first thing he noticed at his arrival was you! 

“why aren’t you sleeping cutie?” he pleasantly asked as he took long strides to reach you.

“where the hell were you?” your voice came out harsher than intended but there were other things than polite language that needed your attention.

“what has gotten into you? i told you i was going to movies with others.” his scoff caught you off guard as his eyes bored into yours.

“you didn’t tell me a thing jongin. you were supposed to be-

“i must have forgot! simple! why are you screaming at 1 a.m!”

now it was your turn to scoff. “ check your phone jongin. and the date as well. maybe you’ll remember.” 

he rolled his eyes before fishing out the phone from his pocket.

20 missed calls, 12 messages. 

as he scrolled through the messages that made clear why you were acting like this and why you were not asleep in the first place.

you said nothing. you were standing there like a tree and let jongin scan the surroundings. 

candles were decorating the whole living room and dining area and then he realised that the candles were supposed to be lit, the dining area was supposed to be filled with aroma of delicacies and he was not supposed to be in his jeans.

he was supposed to be in the pajamas. the white bear ones that matched exactly with yours. but he was not and he had forgotten the date night! 

again!

“i’m going to sleep. you can take a shower or do whatever.” saying that , you turned around before he could see the tears welling in your eyes but he knew you better! 

as you were about to enter the room, jongin’s senses kicked in and he ran and hugged you closely to restrict your movement.

“leave me jon-

“no! i’m sorry. i know i’m an asshole but don’t cry please.” he pleaded as he removed one of his hand from your waist and placed it over your eyes, covering them completely. 

“let me go. i’m tire-

“no! forgive me first. i swear it was unintentional. i was busy in the afternoon and then sehun made plan for movies and i got distracted. i thought i had told you but i’m sorry for being a moron. i won’t do it again. never. i promise!”

the confined tears were set free as he confessed quietly, “ you always do this to me , i’m not gonna forgive you this time and i’m never gonna set up a date again. you are a piece of shit kim jongin!”’ you declared through your light sniffles, making jongin’s grip tighter on your waist.

his other had on your eyes went into action as soon as he heard the first sniffles. without turning you around, his thumbs rubbed your cheeks while he muttered apologies and placed light kisses on your head in try to soothe you.

 as you took a deep breath indicating your calmness , he started singing his infamous apology song.

“if i’m 84 and can’t remember my name anymore

faded minds and don’t know how much time i’ve got left

if my lungs still got breath

one thing’s sure...i’ll still be yours”

“but you would still miss our dates!” he laughed as the words left your lips. he circled to finally face you and his heart broke at the sight.

“i seriously don’t deserve you. we should get divorced soon then i won’t make your cry anymore!”

“we are not married yet jongin and you are not getting rid of me this easily.” 

“who said i want to! and you can’t sleep like a hungry bear. how about i wear my bear pajamas and watch you eating dinner!”

“i hate you kim jongin”

“i love you too to-be-mrs kim jongin” 

the dinner was tasty and so were the kisses that you received between each bite as an apology!

[hitsuackerman]

Unpredictable (Overhaul x Reader) pt.14

a/n: thank you all so much for taking the time to read this fic <3 reading your comments always warm my heart so much and never fail to make my day :’) enjoy this chapter hohoho >:3

warnings: this cannot be read solo, crossover

Links: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 15

Masterlist to my other fics: here :)

Overhaul’s waiting list: @jjk-biased @infinite-universe-love @dirtypride @blackymomo03 @azzie @purple-rabanito​ @meximorrita @awesomeee19​​ 

“ACKERDADDY! YASSS!”

“Isn’t it too early, even for you Gei?” Levi complained as he took a sip of his coffee. You had told him that Gei would be coming over for breakfast, what he did not expect was the echoing screech of his famous nickname from the flamboyant man. But if he were to be honest, Gei was a breath of fresh air.

“He’s right.” Compared to Levi, you still had not fixed yourself up. It looked as if he were the owner of the unit and you were some homeless person he took pity on. Bed hair still present, zero makeup, and Overhaul’s jacket still wrapping your torso. “It’s 7 in the morning Gei. Now make yourself useful and give us the take out.”

“How in the world did you date this cave woman, Levi?” Gei stuck his tongue out as he placed the food onto the table. His stomach did a cartwheel when he saw the signature smirk on the ever so handsome officer.

“I asked myself that question everyday.” He flinched when you threw a coaster at his face. Giving you a wink, he tossed the coaster to the table and sipped his coffee once more. Yet his peripheral vision was on the jacket. A pang of jealousy hit him knowing that was once where his jackets would rest.

Gei was quick to see the remorse in his face and turned the subject.

“So~ What’re you up to Ackerdaddy?” He placed the pancakes in front of Levi. “It’s rather sudden that you’d travel 4 hours just to be here.”

“Her boss is meddling with her cases. I have to accompany them to the HPSC later in the day.” He sliced the pancake and chewed on it. “Petty and troublesome.”

“You’re always welcome in my office~” He winked at the gorgeous man who simply shook his head with amusement. “What about you, baby girl? How’s you and Overhoe?”

“We won’t be partnering for the stake out. Nao will be taking my place instead.” You explained as you ate some bacon. “Chief is making me focus on the arson case. Though I don’t really see the need to since it’s basically straw pulling at this point. Oh well. Hopefully meeting up with Endeavor would help.”

“Good lords. Ya’ll are already dead beat this early in the morning.” Gei pouted and wiped non-existent sweat away. “My invitation still stands, boo-boos. I do need a new secretary though. If ya’ll can hand over a talented man, feel free to toss him in.”

The breakfast was seemingly quick and you were now ready for the day’s work. Picking a business attire, you checked yourself out in the mirror. Presentable enough for those assholes, that’s what you thought. Recalling the last time you saw them, it was when a certain popular hero dragged you in on a random case. The scenery of being parked outside a grocery store and waiting for a delivery was the most random your police life could ever get. Still, the hero made up for an excellent connection during desperate times.

Grabbing your phone, you scanned through the notifications and answered three calls while doing the final touches to your look. By the time you were about to exit your room, you took a step back and dialed a number.

“Good morning.”

“What is it?” Overhaul asked. His voice seemed to echo. You were almost certain that he was doing his villain duties. Though, it made you wonder why he still chose to answer. Maybe he wasn’t in the middle of it.

“Just wanted to annoy you with sunshine. That’s all.” Hearing him sigh meant victory. “Bathe in flowers and joy, Chisaki.”

“When I said feel free to call, I meant regarding the case.” Chrono, who was holding the phone for him, rolled his eyes. Sometimes he loved wearing the mask for that sole purpose. Of course it was rare, though. He respected Kai with all his might. He just had his tendencies.

“That’s not the tone you gave me, though.” Hearing a knock on your door, you had to cut the call short. “Well, I gotta go. I do hope I disrupted your villainous activities.”

“Oh, you did.” That smoothness in your voice caused chills to run down your spine. That man could say random shit and make it sound enticing. “Till later, Problem Child.”

Ending the call, you were now in a much lighter mood. When you were now in the living room, Levi and Gei were ready to leave. Asking the doctor if he would like to be sent to work, he merely flicked his imaginary long hair and said that he had his chauffeur waiting for him downstairs. That was his code for he brought along his car.

Now that Levi and you were on your way to the HPSC building, the both of you were reviewing the elements of the case. Asking each other questions that they might ask. As he drove, you were flipping pages after pages that ultimately lead to being unsolved. With the last straw being Endeavor, Levi stated how the people in the commission would surely give you dirty looks.

“I could honestly care less about them.” You waved him off as he now parked the car. “My ultimate concern is the chief. Do me a favor and stay in the middle?”

“You didn’t have to ask.”

As if on cue, the chief was waiting by the entrance. He had been wearing his uniform which only meant he was fresh from a raid. When Levi took command, his nose picked up the smell of sun, sweat, and some kind of vegetable. Nothing has indeed changed.

All of you were now making your way towards the meeting room. Small talk being exchanged every few steps of the way. When the big glass doors were now opened, all three of you were met by the president herself. Stealing a quick glance, Levi reassured you with a nod and a small tap on the knuckle. Activating your quirk, you felt relaxed once more.

Taking your respective seats, you were quick to take the file out and give them a part of your attention.

“It has come to our attention that a certain case has been lax for quite some time now?” The president started, eyes scanning the reports.

“It has. Every lead had been fully searched yet nothing. The last one is admittedly a straw but it might open something.” You swallowed a bit of saliva. “I will be meeting with Endeavor in the next few days to briefly discuss his ties with the companies.”

“How long has this been under your wing?”

“About a year.” You weren’t sure but it was more or less that amount. Cursing yourself, it was rather embarrassing that your record was not 100% solved cases. It couldn’t be helped though, you would remind yourself that from time to time.

“Drop the case. We’ll take care of it.” The president commented. She closed the folder and handed it over to one of the secretaries. Being handed another file, you watched as they began to distribute copies of it. “However, you may still proceed with Endeavor. Update us regarding that.”

“Sure.”

“Chief Kaoru, have you relayed the information to these two officers?”

“Not yet.” He replied with a smug tone on his voice. Both Levi and you managed to pick it up. Straightening both your postures, anticipation went up. “I thought it would be best for you to break it to them.”

“Understood.” The president nodded to the guard. Following instructions, you watched as the doors opened. Two familiar heroes, along with 4 students, now entered the meeting room. “We have come to discuss a much important matter. However, the HPSC will simply oversee this one. Fatgum and Sir Nighteye will be in charge for the next mission to come. Treat this with utmost confidentiality.”

“(Y/N)~” Fatgum greeted you. He was as round as ever. But there was worry in his eyes. “Long time no see~”

“Indeed it has been, Taishi~” Something was wrong. Despite your quirk constantly steadying your blood pressure, your breathing was now uneven. You had no problem with Fatgum. It was Sir Nighteye you were unsure of. “What’s the mission?”

Giving the floor to Nighteye, all three of you observed as he took out an evidence bag from his pocket. Placing it on the table, Levi took it and held it up for both of you to see. Inside was a small silver bullet.

“That bullet right there,” Nighteye began. “Managed to erase this student’s quirk for a few hours.”

“Erase?” Levi repeated.

“Yes.” The student with dwarf-like ears answered. “I’m not sure when it wore off but I woke up this morning and my quirk was back to normal.”

“And where do you think these bullets came from?” The chief asked. He was now scanning the report and his eye caught sight of a familiar name. He couldn’t help it. A smirk now formed on his face. The tables have now turned to his favors. This was unexpected, they informed him about the outline but he was all too happy at the situation now.

“We think they came from the black market. One of our sidekicks mentioned that the Yakuza might have something to do with this.” Nighteye now opened his copy and flipped through some pages. His glasses reflected the small font on the paper. You knew about his quirk. If anything, you decided to avoid being touched by him. They probably had an idea that you were working with Overhaul and would exploit it.

Levi knew by now what was going on. From under the table, he reached for your hand. It had been clenched into a tight fist this whole time. Holding on to it, he caught a glimpse as to how your shoulders relaxed but your jaw tightened. Feeling your fingers wrapping around his, that was all the support he could lend you for now.

“What’s wrong with you?” He asked the green haired boy. “You look like you want to take a shit.”

“Overhaul…” The green haired child began. From where you were sitting, there was fear and regret in his eyes. “Overhaul was last seen with his daughter. She managed to bump into us.”

Just how much did you not know about Overhaul? Nodding him to continue, you saw how his shoulders began to tremble.

“I heard that you 're working with him on a case right now.” He continued. “If there’s any way you can use that to our advantage, please. Please help us get Eri-chan back. Mirio-senpai and I couldn’t do anything but let her go back with that monster. I want to be a hero but I can’t even save a child.”

“Enough.” Levi cut him off. “Sure you wanna be a hero, I get it. But one doesn’t become a hero overnight, kid. The only advice I can give you now is to calm down and recollect yourself. Letting anger and regret take control won’t do shit for any of us.”

“Mr. Ackerman.” Nighteye intruded. “Would it be a burden to ask for your cooperation with this case? You and your quirk would be most helpful in the next coming weeks.”

“Can’t do, Sir Nighteye.” The chief answered on Levi’s behalf. “Ackerman was dragged on for the case now handed over to the big dogs. He’ll be staying here till his meeting with Endeavor is finished. It is to his discretion if he wishes to tag along on his remaining days.”

“First off,” He looked at the chief with his steel gray eyes. One that sent the hairs on his forearm to stand. “Do not answer on my behalf. I work independently as we agreed, shitface.”

Fatgum, Nighteye, and the students all felt their jaws drop. Though the police force did not stand out, it was impossible to not hear about the man in front of them. With a quirk suitable for a hero, it had always been a mystery as to why he chose to hide from the spotlight. Dozens of rumors surrounded Levi Ackerman, yet none of them were sure which were real or not. One thing was certain, the chief did not hold his respect.

“Second, while it’s true that I can only stay till my meeting with Endeavor is over, I can lend my assistance in this mission.” He paused and stared at Nighteye. “On conditions of course.”

“What might that be?”

“There’s only two.”

Nighteye gave him the sign to proceed.

“Do not meddle with my actions. I prefer to work alone when it comes to these.” Squeezing your hand, he made sure to let you feel that you were not alone and he would protect you with whatever power he has in this situation. “The other would be not to exploit her current standing with Overhaul.”

The heroes felt the room shrinking.

“The case she is working on contains classified information. While he may be a villain, there is an unspoken contract that she does not meddle with whatever business he has.”

“That’s right.” You finally spoke up. “While it’s true that he and I have been successfully teaming up for the current case I have, it was made into an agreement that I do not butt in with his affairs. I’m sorry, kid. The only thing I can share is that the Shie Hassaikai base is like a maze and that he may have been in contact with the League of Villains.”

“League… of Villains?” The green haired kid uttered. “Sh-Shigaraki made contact with Overhaul?”

“It seemed so.” You were now choosing your words. You had said too much.

“Are those your conditions?” Nighteye confirmed. There wasn’t that much weight to it and he wasn’t expecting a lot from the both of you either. When Levi confirmed, he stood up and adjourned the meeting. Saying that he still had to meet up with a few other heroes regarding the new found mission.

Now that it was only the three of you in the room, Levi let go of your hand and stood up as well. His senses could feel your disappointment, fear, and urgency. The man sitting beside him ultimately swelled with pride and silent victory at how the meeting had went.

“Let’s go, (L/N).” He said as he went his way towards the door. Opening it wide. He knew you needed a breather. There was a place in his mind that he knew would help sort out your thoughts. It couldn’t be blamed though, you had been dropped a massive bomb. When you passed by him, he slammed the door and grabbed your wrist.

“Levi?!” You squeaked as he ran all the way back to the car. Telling you to get in, you followed and now found yourself buckled up and back on the road. The ride was silent but from the direction he was going and the lane he was in, you knew where he was going.

Your thoughts were cut when you saw his palm asking for yours. Accepting his offer, you desperately held on to it.

“You can cry.” He said as he took the familiar turn towards the destination. “Go ahead.”

Leaning closer towards him, you released your quirk and immediately felt all the tension catching up to your system. Hiding your face in his chest, he gently wrapped his arm around your shoulder as you let the tears fall down your face.

- - - - -

two words: brace yourselves

[marvelmadam08]

Meanwhile, In Quarantine...

Part of 100 Days of Marvel

Prompt 7: Well which is it? I’m getting nervous. // Prompt 79: You just ignored rule one through five. // Prompt 39: We’re gonna die here. // Prompt 11: I remind myself murder, even attempted, is illegal.

A/N: I’m on day seven or nine (honestly I lost count) of my quarantine, and I am slowly loosing my mind. Then I thought ‘What would the Avengers do during this quarantine?

~~~~~

One Week Earlier

“Miss (Y/N), Mr. Stark is calling for a mandatory team meeting in the common area.” Friday announces to you, interrupting your workout

“Right now?” you huffed out

“Yes, he says it’s urgent.”

You were the last to show up, annoyed and sweaty. Nat seemed to be the only other one who looked as annoyed as you, with her hair wrapped in a towel. Bucky, Sam and Steve lounged on the couch, while Clint was sharpening his arrows. Wanda and Vision stood off to the side to themselves. Thor sat next to Peter, who was hunched over his homework and Bruce stood next to Tony by the muted television displaying the news.

“Everyone here?” Tony pointed to everyone “Good, well I’m not sure if you all heard about this whole ‘virus’ that’s going around.”

“The Coronavirus?” Steve asked

“That’s the one,” Bruce nods “there have been a few cases popping up throughout the city, as well as the country, and within the next few days the entire country is going to be on mandatory quarantine.”

“Quarantine?” Peter spoke up “Like we can’t leave the country?”

“No, as in you can’t leave your house. And that includes The Compound and Tower as well.”

The room erupted in numerous hisses of disagreement. 

“Half of us don’t even need to be in quarantine.” Nat stated loudly

“Yeah, stupid super soldiers.” you muttered

“That’s uncalled for.” Bucky gave you a stink eye 

“Doesn’t matter, we’re being order by the government and Fury to stay put.” Tony tells you all “Parker, I’m only gonna say this once, you to stay put. No school, no parties, no dates.”

“But here at The Compound would be more ideal, seeing as it’s away from the city.” Bruce adds softly

“So we’re stuck here?” Wanda asks “For how long?”

“Well they say the quarantine could last between two weeks to two months.”

“Well which is it? I’m getting nervous.” Sam unmuted the TV

‘....stores have already begun to run out of water, toilet paper, and even baby wipes...’

Day 1

You, Wanda and Laura (Clint’s wife) were organizing the last of the quarantine supplies. Clint couldn’t stomach the idea of not being with them during the whole pandemic, so he asked to bring them up until everything blew over.

“Okay so the kitchen is fully stocked, all the cleaning supplies are put away.” Wanda sighed “It’s kind of scary, how everyone is reacting out there.”

“Yeah, I had to wrestle some hand sanitizer from some grown woman wearing a face mask and rubber gloves.” Laura admits

“I wish I could’ve seen that, since you had Nate strapped to your chest.” 

“Speaking of, I should go check on him.” 

Just as Laura walked out, Steve, Bucky and Peter walked in with large pizzas in their hands.

“This is the last of take out for the next few weeks. Enjoy it while it lasts.” Steve tells us

Everyone swarmed for their chosen slices before gravitating towards the TV to get an update on the quarantine. You were instructed to stay inside, only to leave unless it was absolutely necessary, and then return back to respective homes. Keep your contact with other people down to a minimum, and overall to sanitize and wash often. 

“This is what I do on a regular basis.” Bucky scoffed

“Same.” Wanda and Nat chimed in

“This is gonna be so cool, like one big party.” Peter clapped

A few of the other groaned at Peter’s optimism.

“The kid is right,” Tony agreed “most times we’re on missions for weeks at a time. How is this any different?”

“He does make a point.” Vision nods “And surely there’s enough room for everyone to find their own thing.”

Day 4

You glared at Bucky, who was tapping his pen against his teeth, while trying to figure out the crossword puzzle in front of him. You were trying to do silent yoga, silent being the key word.

“Barnes, can you stop that?” you said through your teeth

“Stop what?” he paused

“Tapping the pen on your teeth.”

“It helps me think. Why aren’t you in the gym?”

“Because I can’t take Steve and Nat talking smack when they spar each other. And Sam is playing his music too loud, and his room is next to mine.”

“And it’s the tapping that bothers you?”

“Forget it.” you closed you eyes again and worked on tuning Bucky out

Tony hurried in, scanning around the room “Has anyone seen Parker? I can’t find him and neither can his aunt. (Y/L/N)?”

“Shh, doing silent yoga.” You hushed “And no, I haven’t.”

“He left.” Clint spoke from above the rest of you. There was a small whirling noise, and metal scrapping against more metal, then Clint and his daughter poked their head out from the vent above us.

“What do you mean he left?”

“He said something about building a death star.” The younger Barton, Lila, answered

“Friday, override and track the kid’s phone for me.” 

“Of course Mr. Stark.”

Tony turned his attention to the TV, tapping on his phone and started to call Peter over video. At this point you gave up on silent yoga and just laid out on the mat. Peter’s face popped up on the screen but he wasn’t looking at his phone 

“Trust me, they don’t even know I’m gone.” he told someone off screen 

“Hello Mister Parker.” Tony waves

“Mr. Stark!” He hurried to pick up his phone “Hey, hi... um that’s so funny I was just about to come down to the lab, from my room.... which is where I am.... right now.”

“Oh you’re in your room? Not at Ned’s place building legos?”

He paused “No? I just got so bored! And there were so many rules to just stay in.”

“There were six rules max, and you just ignored rule one through five!”

“Are you sure he’s not your kid?” you chuckled

Day 7

“Twenty-three bottles of pop on the wall.” Sam half sung, eyelids closed, while rocking Nate to sleep

Steve and Bucky were each cuddling a plush stuffed animal on the floor. Morgan ran back and forth between poking Steve with a wooden spoon and the spot where she had a pile of cookies waiting on a plate. And Lila and Cooper were on their phones, headphones in, and not paying attention to their surroundings.

“What the hell you guys?” Nat groaned

“Ooh Auntie Nat said a bad word.” Morgan giggled

“Hey Monster.”

“Auntie (Y/N)!” Morgan jumped over Bucky and ran over to climb up your side until she reached your shoulders. “Guess what, I got to have cookies and chicken nuggets, gummies and a bunch of soda.”

“Nat? (Y/N)?” Bucky lifted his head from the floor, a flattened gummy beard on the other side of his cheek “Please tell me the others are back too.”

“On the contrary, Clint and Tony wanted to know if you wouldn’t mind watching the kids a little while longer.” Nat went to relieve Sam from baby duty “Tony talked to the mayor and got her to extend the quarantine curfew for their double date night.”

The three men groaned, you swore you saw a tear in Steve’s eye.

“We’re gonna die here.” Sam curled into a ball 

“Why did we agree to babysit?” Steve spoke into the stuffed penguin he held 

“Nat, maybe we should help them out.” You held Morgan tightly while she flipped upside down from your shoulders “They’re only men.”

“When the Earth spins, how do we know when we’re upside down?” Morgan poked you in the back 

“Tell you what, clean up your mess, we’ll go get in our pj’s and then I’ll tell you.” you carefully set her back down on the floor, she ran off, picking up her toys and stray snacks 

“Coop, Lila, your homework better be done, because if I have to check myself-.” Nat started. 

They jumped up from their seats and rushed out the room, Steve looked up at you and Nat in awe, Nate fast asleep in her arms.

“How did you-”

“We have a way with kids, don’t take it personally.” 

“Done!” Morgan cheered before pulling at your arm “Can we get in our pj’s now?”

Nat chuckled “Let’s go princess, (Y/N) will meet us there. You can help me get Nate ready for bed.”

Morgan took Nat’s free hand and skipped along side her. You took the stuffed animals and blankets from the guys.

“How did four children manage to out-do two super soldiers and a former air force vet?” you asked

“They’re small, but stealthy.” Sam yawned “Morgan has been asking us that spinning Earth question for hours.”

“I tried to explain how the Earth rotates but she told me I was wrong.” Bucky added

“Oh, it’s a joke. How do you know when the Earth turned upside down?” you paused, waiting for one of them to guess the answer “Fall time.”

Day 12

“What is this called again?” Thor points to Peter’s phone screen

“Twitter.” 

“Twitter? Like the sound a bird makes? Oh and there’s a symbol of a bird there.” he laughed “Humans are so creative. Tell me Son of Stark, what is Twitter’s purpose?”

“Uh.... basically you just post whatever’s on your mind.” Peter handed over his phone to Thor “Sometimes people will like it, and retweet it, or leave a comment.”

“Please tell me you didn’t make Thor a Twitter page.” You spared a glance from your book

“He asked me to show him. What’s the worse that could happen?”

One Hour Later

“Who gave Thor a Twitter page?” Steve marched into the kitchen

You immediately point to Peter.

“He wanted to know about social media. I didn’t think it’d do any harm.” Peter blurted out

“What did he do?” You asked

“He keeps posting.” Steve scrolled through the tablet in his hand “Things like ’What is black twitter?’, ‘poptarts and coffee’, ‘Just noticed how Director Fury sounds like the freeze man in this Disney movie’, ‘Over heard Natasha and Wanda judging who had the best ass. Barnes or Rogers. Clearly it’s me’ He’s trending.”

“Steve it’s harmless fun, he’s excited to be apart of Midgard culture.” you dismissed “Or are you upset because you weren’t voted for the best bum?”

“You should see his latest, and most liked, tweet.” Steve handed the tablet to you with a smirk

“‘Pretty sure (Y/N) and Barnes are dating. How else do you explain their sexual tension?’ I’m gonna kill you Parker.” You went to grab Peter but Steve pulled you away at the last second

“You don’t mean that.” Peter started to back out of the kitchen “Do you?”

“Who gave Thor a Twitter?” Bucky spoke from the other room

“I can give you a ten second head start.” Steve warns Peter

Day 15

“I can’t take this anymore, no missions, no take out, I can’t even go get a freaking smoothie.” You paced from one end of your room to the other “I thought this thing was only suppose to be two weeks.”

“Well Tony said two weeks or two months.” Bucky lounged on your bed, playing with the rubic’s cube “Looks like it’s gonna be two months.”

“How are you staying calm?”

“I remind myself murder, even attempted, is illegal. Plus I’ve been in isolation most of my adult life, so this doesn’t seem so bad.”

“Right.” you said softly “Sorry.”

“For what?”

“I’m complaining about being stuck in here, for my health when you’ve had it way worse.”

“Hey,” he caught your hand and pulled you closer “Don’t apologize, I know you didn’t mean any harm. And you tend to get cabin fever when we go on long surveillance missions. These next few days are gonna fly by, trust me.”

He trailed his hands up and down your arms, traveling to your waist and under your shirt.

“Uh-huh Barnes, not again.” you pulled away slightly “Vision and Wanda almost caught us last time.”

“Because you weren’t quiet.” he kissed up your torso

“No, because you dragged me into a linen closet for wearing shorts.”        

Bucky gave you a small pout “I’m from the 1940′s doll, I fantasized about your calves when I first met you. And that we’re... is this considered dating or are we just messing around during the lock down?”

“I hope this means we’re dating.” you combed his hair back with your fingers “I’m not the kind of girl that you hump and dump.”

“Hump and what?”

You chuckled “Nevermind.” You straddled his waist, he gripped yours a little tighter “So Sergeant, you gonna take me on a date after this quarantine?”

“I’ll take you to Rome as long as you keep calling me ‘Sergeant’ doll.” he left soft kisses on your neck

“Mmm.” 

“(Y/N).” Steve knocked on your door “Have you seen Bucky? I’m looking for him.”

“Nope, haven’t seen him.” Bucky pulled your shirt over your head, and tried to add to the bite marks he left the other day, but Steve wasn’t letting up.

“You know where he might be?”

You rolled your eyes and made Bucky stop “Have you checked the garage?”

“Why would he be in the garage?”

“Steve, pal, can it wait?” Bucky shouted “I kinda got my hands full in here.”

“Oh.” You could only imagine how red Steve’s face was at that moment. 

“You are horrible James Barnes.” you giggled

“Sergeant.” he corrected you in a low growl

“Sergeant.” you brought your lips down to his, quickly fighting for dominance in the kiss. Bucky flipped you over, the bed squeaking under your shared weight

“Uh- should I go now?” Steve asked

[mamourland]

Kissing Prompt #8 - Magnum/Higgins

Prompt #8 - Laying a gentle kiss to the back of the other’s hand.

  Context: Season 1 (pre-partners)

  Rated: General audience

Higgins quickly hung up with Katsumoto. She tried to take a deep breath but she slightly choked on it when it morphed into a sob. She grabbed the keys of the Range Rover and rushed out of Robin’s Nest.

 The police detective just announced her that Magnum had been chasing a suspect during their joint investigation when he fell down the balcony from the third floor. He apparently landed on his side but he had been unconscious since Katsumoto had called the paramedics so he didn’t really know where he was injured.

 He told her to meet him at the hospital and maybe by then, they would know more.

 The unconscious part was what really worried Juliet. He could have hit his head and have brain damage or he could have a spine injury and be left paralyzed.

 She tried to concentrate on the road and not on what could go wrong with Magnum or else she wouldn’t get to the hospital unscathed. However, her brain was not cooperating as she was always drawn to the worst-case scenario where Magnum died and she was back to when she lost Richard.

 She hastily parked the car in the first available spot in front of the hospital and rushed inside. She couldn’t catch her breath when she entered the lobby and she knew she was having a panic attack.

 She used to have them when she was young but her MI-6 training taught her how to prevent them by controlling her emotions. The last one she had had been the day of Richard’s funeral.

 She recognized the signs: shortness of breaths, chest pain, dizziness from the oxygen shortage, her vision blurred and her earing lessened because her brain was prioritizing her survival over her less important senses. Tears were streaming down her face.

 She must have alerted a nurse at the front desk because someone was helping her sit down in one chair from the waiting room and speaking reassuring words that she couldn’t comprehend but she recognized the soothing tone behind them.

 The person pushed a paper bag over her mouth and nose and Juliet knew she had to lengthen her breaths.

 In by the nose, out by the mouth. She repeated those words to herself to keep the rhythm.

 She tried to push any thoughts of Magnum and how she might lose him like she lost Richard, even though they were not in a relationship. She needed to concentrate on her breathing so she could see Thomas. She needed to see him.

 She was starting to get better as she finally understood what the nurse was telling her.

 “Breathe in, breathe out.”, the woman guided her.

 After ten minutes of regulated breathing, Juliet felt slightly better even though she was now drained of her energy. She took off the paper bag from her face and turned towards the nurse.

 “Are you feeling better?”, she asked.

 “Yes, thank you.”, she croaked, her voice hoarse from the crying and the panicking. “I need to see someone though. He had been brought by ambulance earlier. Thomas Magnum.”

 “Ok, I’ll check the register. For now, you stay seated and I’ll bring you some water and a power bar, ok?”

 Higgins nodded even though the only thing she wanted was to rush to Magnum’s side.

 A few minutes later, the older woman was back with a bottled water and a wrapped protein bar that she gave her. Juliet thanked her and waited for the information she asked.

 “M. Magnum is on the second floor. They’re currently finishing some tests and are bringing him back to his room. Come on, I’ll take you to him.”

 Higgins was grateful for the nurse’s assistance because as soon as she got up, she swayed slightly. The older woman, guided her by her arm towards the elevator and escorted her to Magnum’s room.

 She saw Katsumoto in the corridor in front of the P.I’s room and he looked at her strangely when he saw her assisted by a nurse.

 “Are you ok?”, he asked her in an even more serious expression than usual.

 “Yeah, just a tiny panic attack on my way there. I’ll be fine. How is he?”, she asked as she saw Magnum’s lying form through the glass wall of his room.

 “They just brought him back from some tests. The doctor should be out shortly to explain everything.”

 She nodded as she looked at Thomas.

 “I’ll leave you here then.”, the nurse added. “You might want to sit down though and drink and eat a bit. You’ll feel better. If you sense the slightest symptom, don’t hesitate to tell one of my colleagues, okay?”

 “Yes, I will. Thank you for your help.”

 “No problem. I hope your boyfriend will make a full recovery.”

 Juliet was so dazed that she didn’t even correct the other woman before she left. However, she caught the slight rise of the detective’s eyebrows standing next to her. She couldn’t blame the older woman for assuming Magnum was her significant other by the way she had reacted when he was injured. It didn’t scream barely friends that sometimes tolerated each other or whatever the hell they were to each other.

 Even though, Juliet might have to contemplate their relationship a bit more now that she saw how she reacted when she thought she would lose him. But that was for another day. For now, she just wanted to be near him and not analyze her feelings for him.

 She left Katsumoto in the corridor and went inside the room where she heard the steady, reassuring bips that told her his heart was beating normally. She dropped down in the chair next to his bed, her legs suddenly going out under her.

 She took a drag from her bottle of water to ease the scratch of her throat as she observed Magnum. Other than his right forearm in a cast, there were no outside clue as to what had happened to him. He looked as if he was asleep.

 She didn’t have time to think too much about what would come next because the doctor entered the room to brief her and Katsumoto who followed the older man.

 “Hello. I’m Dr. Preston. And you are?”, he asked as he offered his hand to Juliet.

 She shook it.

 “Hello. I’m…”

 “… his girlfriend.”, Katsumoto finished for her.

 She quickly looked at the police detective but kept a poker face. Of course, if the doctor thought they were just friends he wouldn’t tell them anything. The doctor checked the medical files he was carrying.

 “You’re Juliet Higgins?”

 “Yes.”, she was surprised he had her name written on Magnum’s chart.

 “You’re listed as one of his next of kin, along an… Orville Wright and Theodore Calvin.”, he explained her silent question. “Mr. Magnum suffered from a 12 feet fall and landed on his right side. He was very lucky because the only significant trauma is a broken wrist. We put his arm in a cast and he will have to keep it for at least 6 weeks. We checked his spine and head with an MRI and a CT Scan and we didn’t find any noticeable damages. But we’ll know for sure once he wakes up.”

 “Is it normal that he still hasn’t regain consciousness by now?”, she asked.

 “It can be that his body is repairing itself and needs all the energy possible to do it. There’s no medical explanation for it anyway. We’ll keep an eye on his vitals for a few hours before there’s any reason for concern. We didn’t give him any pain medication so that he will wake up as soon as his pain registers to his brain.”

 She turned her head towards Thomas and saw him sleep peacefully. He didn’t look in pain for now but she worried he would be in agony once he woke up.

 “Don’t worry, if he’s pain, his heartbeat will increase. The nurses will be alerted by the machines and give him something to alleviate his pain. We just think that it will help him wake up faster.”, the doctor explained as he sensed her worry.

 She nodded and thanked him as he left Gordon and her alone in Thomas’ room.

 “I’m going to make a few calls about the suspect we got in custody.”, Katsumoto lamely explained before exiting the room as well.

 She was alone with Magnum again so she resumed her spot in the only chair of the room that she scooted closer to him. She finally exhaled a little easier. They wouldn’t know for sure until he woke up but they didn’t find any injury during the tests and knowing Magnum, he would wake up and be as good as new, berating her for worrying for nothing.

 She grabbed his left hand that laid limply on the white sheet and placed a soft kiss on the back of it. She rubbed her cheek several times across his knuckles, comforted in the contact with his warm limb before threading her fingers through his.

 As she waited for him to wake up she laid her head on the bed with their entwined hands next to her, her lips brushing against the back of his hand. She felt the steady rhythm of his pulse against her wrist and let it lull her to sleep, exhausted by the rollercoaster of emotions she experienced in the last hour.

 XXXXXX

  Magnum groaned softly as he slowly came to it. He felt as if a steamroller went over him. All his right side was in pain and he had a killer headache. He wanted to move his left hand but something was preventing him from doing so. He opened his eyes, blinked when the light entered his pupils and focused on the person to his left.

 ‘Higgy.’, he thought.

 She was asleep with her head on his bed and she was holding his hand to her lips. Magnum forgot all about his pain when he saw her like that.

 “She hasn’t left your side since she got here.”, he heard a male voice from the door. He lifted his eyes from the blond woman to meet Katsumoto’s. “She was so worried she had a panic attack when she arrived at the hospital.”

 Thomas looked at Juliet again and longed to trail his fingers through her curls but he had no hand available to do so and besides he didn’t want to wake her up just yet. She would need her sleep.

 His heart ached for her. She must have had flashbacks from her past, when Richard passed, not that she would feel the same since they weren’t even in a relationship but the fear of losing someone close, even a friend must have brought back some unpleasant memories.

 However, knowing her, she would want to be reassured as soon as he woke up.

 “Are you in pain?”, the detective asked.

 “I’m okay for now.”, he answered without taking his eyes away from Higgins.

 He saw Katsumoto nod and leave, probably to give them a little bit of privacy. The P.I slowly disentangled his hand from hers to stroke her cheek gently. He saw her eyes flutter open before she focused on him.

 She sat up suddenly.

 “Magnum!”, she exhaled throatily. “How are you feeling? Are you in pain?”

 He smiled affectionately at her. He knew Higgy had a soft side buried under the tough persona she put forward for everyone to see.

 “I’m okay for now, I can wait a few minutes. How are you? Katsumoto told me you had a panic attack.”

 She sighed, upset that Magnum knew about that episode.

 “I’m fine, I’m used to it.”, she said as she shrugged and Thomas knew she was downsizing what she went through to reassure him.

 He let her get away with it for now.

 “You’re gonna have to help me with that.”, he told her as he showed her his cast.

 She smiled.

 “Oh, so let me guess, I’ll be your personal driver and assistant like I don’t already have a job?”

 He chuckled because she was absolutely right. He took her hand in his again and ran his thumb over her knuckles.

 “I look forward to it.”, he gushed and she laughed.

 “Don’t think you got away from a lecture by distracting me, Thomas Magnum. I’ll let you get hooked on painkiller then you’ll hear from me for scaring me like that.”

 She pressed on the call button to alert the nurses he was awake.

 “Fair enough.”, he chuckled.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 13

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: that was the easiest chapter to write so far for this story lol! PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL AFTER READING THIS!!!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : some of you really just asked exactly for what i had in mind lmao sooo spoilers! :)

Chapter 13 : His chapter

NIALL

I couldn't stop looking at Olivia the whole ride home but at the same time, I felt Heidi glance at me even if I tried to ignore her. I didn't really want my ex girlfriend to sleep home for many reasons. First off, I had to admit that I was a bit pissed by her behavior at the bar. She was drunk, I knew that, but so was I, and although i'm not the type to hold grudges or be pissed over something like that, I couldn't help it. Her words had hurt me, probably because they were true, and I realized that even if she did forgive me, she was still hurt and I couldn't blame her. The other reason was a bit wrong but I had to be honest with myself. I didn't want her around because I couldn't handle myself when she was near. I wanted to kiss her and whenever we were only the two of us, I tried to do it. However, Heidi was there and I didn't want to deal with her mood, her constant invasion of my personal space, and the fact that all I thought about was tasting the mouth of my ex girlfriend all at the same time.

When I turned the lights off, plunging the whole house into darkness, I felt something stir in my stomach at the thought of getting in bed with someone else than Liv while she was literally in the next room. It made me think of all that time I spent without her and I just sighed as I got under the covers. We used to have so many conversations late at night (or early in the morning, if you prefer) and I missed those a lot. It's not that we didn't have anything to tell each other anymore, in fact, I was pretty sure it was the opposite, but we probably just were not ready.

I lied on my back, closing my eyes as a replay for the night appeared behind my eyelids. Those questions had brought back many memories and also many other questions that I wouldn't be able to ask for a while, probably. I had noticed the atmosphere shifting from time to time, too, but the time Olivia tensed the most next to me was when Heidi arrived and I started thinking that maybe that relationship I was in didn't suit me or my life anymore. As I was thinking that, I felt a hand on my stomach and held my breath. I was still drunk and not really in the mood to be touched but it's only when her hand moved down to my cock that I grimaced, slipping my hand under the blanket to grab hers.

"Not tonight, babe, i'm super tired." I just said, pushing her hand away as she immediately brought it back. "My ex girlfriend is just in the next room."

"Come on, it's been so long." she whispered, moving closer to run her lips on my jaw and down my neck. "I miss you, don't you miss me?"

I closed my eyes and raised my nose up with a very low grunt as she pressed her palm on my boxers.

"I'm drunk, we're not alone, we shouldn't do that." I argued again, opening my eyes as she moved slightly away and ignoring her question.

I could barely see her in the darkness as she straddled me and my hands found her thighs quickly before she bent down.

"She's drunk too, so drunk she's probably asleep." she explained in a whisper. "She won't hear anything. We should totally do that. I'll be quiet and I'll do all the work."

I was starting to get excited from the contact of her body against mine and she started rubbing herself gently over me, making me groan again. I was torn, not really sure if I should go along with it or push her away one last time but I decided that I wanted it, and I didn't want to argue.

"Okay, but be quiet." I gave in. "Don't wake Liv up."

It was not so much about not waking her up, and more about her not hearing us doing something that in reality, I wanted to do with her and no one else. I was not sure why I didn't want her to hear Heidi and I have sex, it's not like she didn't know we had from time to time, or like she didn't have sex with her boyfriend also, but somehow, I felt like nothing good could come out from that. Yea, I had tried to make her jealous in the past, perhaps I even still did sometimes, but most of the time, that was not what I wanted at all. I never thought making someone jealous could bring them close to you. In fact, most of the time, I thought it was the perfect way to push them away, and pushing Olivia away was the last thing I wanted.

Feeling Heidi pull my boxers down took me out of my thoughts and I realized she was already naked. She took one of my hands and brought it up, brushing my fingers on her skin and when she sat on my dick, it made me realize I was already hard. I tried to relax, squirming slightly on the mattress to get in a better position, and closed my eyes, letting my hands rest on her thighs as she started moving over me. It made me think of the last time I got a proper release by myself and I held my breath. I could still feel the stream from the shower falling on my head and the water run down my face as I kept jerking off. It hadn't taken my too long to cum that time but I was not sure it would be the same thing tonight. Since when was masturbation better than sex? Perhaps it was only because of the alcohol and tiredness but I doubted it and pushed away that thought.

The first time Heidi whimpered, I let it go but the second time, she did it a bit louder and I opened my eyes, raising my eyebrows. I could see her a bit better in the darkness now and I noticed her parted lips and closed eyes as she moved over me. It was hot, I knew it was, but I couldn't seem to focus on that.

"Shh." I just said very low as she pretended not to hear.

I waited a few more seconds and this time, she moaned even louder as her movements became quicker. I brought my hand up, pushing my fingers very slightly over her mouth but somehow, it made her moan again. I felt something twist in my chest and took my hand back, hoping she was done but instead, she did the opposite.

"Oh, fuck, Niall!"

I gripped her hips to stop her from moving and her eyes finally met mine as I shook my head, making her frown.

"What are you doing? I said be quiet!"

She smirked and bent down to press her lips on mine but I didn't answer the kiss. I just couldn't. I was getting annoyed and I felt like she knew exactly what she was doing.

"Don't be like that." she replied, sitting up again before moving her hips more, grinding against me. "I know you love that, I can feel it."

I didn't answer and she started fucking herself over me again and this time, the moan she let out, followed by my name, made my heart jump in my chest. There was no way this hadn't woken Olivia up. Swiftly, I gripped her waist again and turned her around to lay her back on the mattress. It felt like a relief when my cock was free again and I moved closer to her face with a frown.

"It's not funny!" I let out right before we both heard a loud 'bang'. "Fuck!"

Quickly, I pushed the covers off of me and pulled my boxers up before rushing out of my room. The guest room's door was wide open and the room itself was empty. I just walked by it and reached the front door quickly, opening it as my head moved in all directions, my eyes scanning around. She was gone, there was no doubt about it, and I suddenly felt of the verge of tears. I was not sure if it was out of pain or out of rage but I rubbed my eyes quickly and turned around, slamming the door and making a loud noise again just as Heidi appeared, wearing my shirt. The sight made me even angrier and I brought my thumb and forefinger on my eyes, pushing slightly on them with a groan.

"You fucking did this on purpose!" I yelled, shaking my head. "Why the fuck did you do that?"

"Excuse me? You were there too, remember?"

How was I supposed to tell my girlfriend that I knew she did that only to hurt Olivia and that it pissed me off so bad I wanted to grab my stuff and go, leaving her alone in my own house? I shook my head again, trying to calm myself down, slipping my fingers in my hair and gripping it tightly. What was I supposed to do? Run after her? Call her?

I groaned without an other word and walked to my room, grabbing my phone, a pillow and pulling on a blanket roughly before getting back in the living room. Heidi stared at me the whole time and after I was laying down and motionless, she sighed loud.

"Fine, be like that." she just replied. "Goodnight."

I let the air out of my lungs only when I heard the door of the room close but even after what seemed like an hour, I still couldn't fall asleep. I couldn't push the guilt and the anger away and I couldn't help but wonder where Olivia was and how she was feeling. I took my phone and stared at our conversation until the screen turned off again and sighed, putting it away. It was too late to text her and I also needed to give her some time to cool down but it was a challenge not to try to communicate with her and I was not sure if I should wait until she reached out to me. After an other hour, or at least that's what it felt like, I got up and walked back into the guest room, closing the door behind myself and sitting down on the bed. I frowned when I noticed something on the floor and bent down to grab it. It took me a few seconds to realize it was a skirt and my eyes dropped to the floor again, noticing her shirt and a pair of panties. I took every piece of clothing I found and put it on the night stand before laying down in bed, wrapping the blankets over me. I kept glancing at the panties on top of them and without thinking, I grabbed them, opened the drawer and put them in. I felt my head throb and finally chuckled at how stupid I was before turning back and try to get into a comfortable position.

My heart skipped a beat when I realized the pillow smelled like her and I pressed my lips together. She stayed in bed for what? Half an hour, maybe? And the sheets already smelled like her? Someone was clearly up to torture me and I pressed my face in the pillow, inhaling again but making sure I didn't exhale too much, not wanting to alter the scent. I couldn't stop thinking about her panties in the drawer, as if she had left them on the floor to tease me, even if I knew it was clearly not the case, and I remembered that I was actually having sex not so long ago and didn't really have time to get an orgasm. I held my breath at the thought that had flashed in my mind and shut my eyes tight. No, I couldn't do that. I couldn't just jerk myself off again to the thought of my ex girlfriend, it was getting a bit ridiculous and I just groaned low, turning around in bed and grabbing the pillow to hold it against me. I would never get over that scent. Honey and vanilla. Nothing else smelled like her. No one else was her.

                                                        ---

I spent the whole next day waiting for Olivia to message me or call me, if only to get her clothes back or something like that. I barely talked to Heidi and somewhere in the middle of the afternoon, she had left, taking a heavy load off my shoulders. It was easier to think when I was alone and I ended up eating dinner by myself while watching tv. Around 9pm, however, I was starting to feel like shit, and also a bit angry. It was a different angry than the night before but I didn't understand why she didn't even try to message me. Why was she giving me the silent treatment? Did she think I should be the one calling her first, even if she was the one who left my place in the middle of the night?

On an impulse, I almost jumped off my couch and walked back to the guest room, taking her skirt and her shirt to bring them back to her. I put them in a random bag, grabbed my phone and keys and drove until her place, glancing from time to time at the bag on the passenger's seat, wondering if I should have brought the panties too or not.

When I got out of my car, I noticed Louis' car was not there and turned my key chain on my fingers before pushing it in the pockets of my shorts and walked quickly to the door, ringing the bell. I heard a loud noise and a curse word and my lips curled despite myself at how clumsy she was. She had probably bumped into something and my theory ended up being right when I noticed she was rubbing her arm when she opened the door. Her facial expression changed and her lips parted as I glanced at them.

"Hey, can I come in?"

She breathed in and licked her lips, shaking her head slightly.

"I don't know, Niall."

"Please?"

After a few seconds, she just sighed and nodded, moving away to let me inside. I stepped in and turned around just as she was closing the door and when she stood in front of me, I handed her the bag.

"You forgot this last night."

She took the bag gently and looked inside before her eyes met mine again. She seemed uncomfortable and I was not sure why so I just stood there and waited. She put the bag on the couch and I couldn't help but follow her as she remained silent. I had so many things to tell her, so many questions to ask, and I swallowed hard as she tried to avoid my eyes.

"Why did you leave in the middle of the night?"

Her head snapped up and the anger I saw in her eyes made my heart jump in my chest. She frowned and her lips parted again but it took her a few seconds to answer. She scoffed and rolled her eyes before rubbing both her hands on her face.

"Are you serious? Are you really asking me that?" she let out rudly, taking a step closer to me but continued talking when she saw I wouldn't answer. "You were.. having sex with her! In the room right next to mine! You were... and she was... moaning and..."

She stopped talking and turned around but I could swear I had seen her face twist into a painful expression. I quickly walked to her and put my hand on her back but she turned back to me, pushing my arm away.

"Don't fucking touch me!" she screamed as I took a step back. "You were having sex with her! While I was... Do you fucking know that I heard it? I heard her and I heard you and, I had all these fucking images in my head..."

She seemed on the verge of tears and my heart jumped in my chest, forcing me to swallow. I had guessed that she had heard, of course, but I didn't know if it was because she was hurt or angry and apparently, it was both. I suddenly felt even closer to her knowing that we both felt the same thing at the same time. I was hurt too. I had been hurt ever since I found out she was marrying an other man and at the same time, I was angry, even if I felt like I had no right to be.

"She's... my girlfriend." I let out stupidly, regretting it immediately. "I'm sorry you heard I mean..."

"She did that on fucking purpose! She invited me to sleep at your place just so she could prove to me that you were hers, that you belonged to her, and that you were fucking horny for her!" she yelled again as I noticed she was tearing up. "But the worst is that you actually went along with it! You could have said no, you could have pushed her away! But you had to do it didn't you? You had to show me how happy you are without me! How much you love her and not me! You had to fucking rub my face into it the same fucking way you did with all the fucking girls you shagged when we were teens!"

I had no idea how she had reached to that conclusion but it made me frown and I shook my head quickly.

"What? No!" I argued. "Liv I didn't know you loved me back then and I never rubbed anything in your face!"

"Leave, Niall!"

She threw her hand in the air and rushed to the hall. I heard the bathroom door close and lock roughly without having time to react and I closed my eyes with a sigh. She probably had given a lot of thoughts to all of this, just like I had the night before and the thoughts in her head didn't make any sense anymore. I walked slowly to the bathroom and leaned my forehead against the door, my palm pressing against the wood.

"Olivia, please, petal." I let out in a soft tone after a few minutes. "Open up, we need to talk."

I could hear her sob on the other side of the door and it hurt me more than I could explain. I just wanted to take her in my arms and hug her close until she'd feel better but I couldn't and I breathed in again.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia." I apologized in a whisper. "I promise I didn't want to hurt you. I promise I didn't do that spitefully, or to show you anything. I didn't even want to do it but she insisted and I was drunk, and tired, and I thought it would... I didn't want to argue so I sort of... let her.."

I sighed again, realizing how stupid my words sounded despite the fact that they we true and she didn't answer. After a few more minutes, I sat down and leaned the back of my head against the door. I was determined to stay there until she'd get out and I just brought my knees up and closed my eyes.

"Do you remember that time we had sex at Louis' while there was a party downstairs?" I let out low, feeling my heart skip a beat at the memory. "Our first time next to the Christmas tree. That time we just fucked in the staircase after one of my radio interviews. I think about the sex we had on a regular basis. No other girl do it like you. I tried to find that kind of sex after I broke up with you but, nothing compared. And now you're giving that kind of sex to your boyfriend instead."

Silence.

"Having sex with Heidi feels like having sex with Maya. Or having sex with pretty much any other girl I randomly met or whatever. It feels drab. I mean yea, the release is good, but the whole process only feels like a way to reach a peak. With you, it was different. The whole time was good. Everything was exciting, from the first touch to the last. I'm not gonna get that with anyone else." I sighed and passed my hand in my hair. "I miss you."

I held my breath when I heard the lock and quickly, I got up, waiting impatiently to see her face again. She appeared, her eyes red from crying. She was looking up at me through her eyelashes and I felt like shit for making her so sad. Her lips parted and I held my breath, waiting to hear her voice.

"Maybe it was a bad idea to get back in each other's life, Niall." she just said, walking past me, going along the hall.

I was shocked by her words. It was not at all what I had expected and my eyes opened wide before I frowned.

"It was not a bad idea. Olivia, it was a great idea!" I argued, shaking my head as she stopped, turning around to face me again. "Didn't you listen to what I said?"

"Oh I did." she replied quickly. "I understand that you lust me, for a reason I don't get. Or that... you want me to a certain extent. I get it, Niall."

"No you don't." I let out stoically. "I need you, Olivia. In my life. I need you."

"You've been away from me for over a year Niall I mean," she sighed and threw her arms limply up before letting them fall back on her sides. "Why are you trying to save this friendship?"

I felt the words stuck in my throat and I knew they wanted to get out. I swallowed but it was so hard that it started hurting physically.

"Because, okay!" my voice was louder and impatient and I rubbed my eyes quickly.

"Because what!?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU OKAY!?"

Her jaw dropped, her pretty thin lips parting in surprise, and all I could hear was the thumping of my heart hitting the inside of my chest and asking to escape. She was there, in front of me after so long, and I finally admitted to her that I still loved her.

"You..."

"I love you Olivia! I never stopped! Not a fucking second!" I added a bit lower. "I loved you when I was with other girls, I loved you when I was traveling around the world, and I loved you when I was home alone. I love you and I can't fucking get you out of my head. I think of you when I wake up and before I fall asleep. For fuck's sake I dream about you all the fucking time!"

I watched her as she teared up and pressed her lips together, trying not to sob. She brought her hand over her mouth for a few seconds, her eyes never leaving mine, and I just waited, motionless, standing in front of her.

"Real love?" her voice was soft and unsure and my heart seemed to relax for a few seconds.

"Real love." I nodded slowly. "You're everything to me."

I didn't see it coming but suddenly, she rushed to me and got on her tiptoes, slipping her hand behind my neck and pulling my face close to hers. When her lips crashed against mine, I felt something explode inside my chest, like it was the accomplishment of a lifetime, like everything I had lived in the past year was worth it just to get this specific moment, like my life finally made sense. My hands found her waist and I pulled her closer, her body flush against mine, and I finally deepened the kiss. It was a bit raw but the taste of her mouth after so long was so good I never wanted her to pull away. Her lips glided on mine easily and I wrapped my arms tight around her body to keep her close. Her lips remained against mine when we finally stopped kissing and I kept my eyes closed, trying to live this moment completely before whispering again.

"Real love."

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

12. On Your Side

Decided to publish what I had worked on before my hiatus, mainly for Tina and nem, as a Xmas thing. Ion celebrate that shit, happy holidays or whatever. I was hoping to have completed the story by now, but with my break for mental health, I guess it's either pushed back or gonna be abandoned. Will know in a couple of weeks or so what, if anything I intend to do with it. Its an Apex centered chapter. I'm still on hiatus. You can leave a review if you want to, but don't message me about Simon or this story. Thanks.

*The Grace St. Catherine Playlist, featuring songs used in chapter and songs that inspired the chapter*

“Even through the darkest phase

Be it thick or thin

Always someone marches brave

Here beneath my skin…” Grace let the music play in the background as she tried to do all of the things suggested to her by her “spiritual advisor,” Sunny, whenever she moved into the place. She was doing more drawing - mostly sketches of carnage and rage. She was journaling a lot, mostly in the form of a narrative told by a hypothetical fictional character, because admitting to the things that she was doing on paper was a huge no-no, so she simply projected her life through her journaling character, The Saint, whom would never be referred to by name in any of the entries. In this particular one, The Saint was contemplating calling The Shadow. What would the conversation even be like? He would tell her how bad she was for being mad at him. She would tell him that she only hurt bad people, but he hurt a friend… he hurt her. That was different. So different. But she MISSED him.

She had began to sketch him. She was more of a doodler/drew cartoons and comics on her phone and stuff… but she was shut up in this place for hours at a time and hadn’t really used a pencil and a sketch book seriously in a while. Then, it got away from her. After a few days, she had almost filled up a sketch book with drawings of Simon. She winced when she thought of his name. She had been avoiding speaking it and thinking it. “And constant craving has always been…” She stared at the phone, then changed the track. The last thing she needed was to think about craving, of all things…

Now, that the phone was in her hand, she glanced around, feeling that paranoia that she had since she left home. Nobody was watching her here, but she felt obligated to check, anyway, and upon verifying what she already knew - that nobody was fucking watching her - she went to visit his social media. Private? Since when? She checked another. Same thing. A third, same fucking thing! “UGH!!!” She threw her phone onto the couch and went to go chop wood. She didn’t really like to chop wood, but it did make her feel better to swing a tool and see destruction come out of it.

“Old wounds

Old fights

Another day goes by

I'm not playing by the rules

They can't take me for no fool…” Her phone continued singing as she went outside.

.

Jalicia Barrett was not the same type of watch as Grace was. She obviously wasn’t as upscale as Grace, so she wound up having much to do that was necessary, unlike Grace’s schedule of playing a typical woman. Now, to say that Jalicia was typical would be a stretch of the imagination, as Simon knew that none of Grace’s people were that and she had possibly an unreasonable amount of tiger items, but she was closer to an average person than Grace was.

She went to Seattle University, but hadn't selected a major. She was still doing general studies after taking a few years to get her GED (She began trying at 16 and only successfully received it less than a year ago), so.. a freshman in college, which wasn't bad. She was 19. She worked on campus and seemed to have other odd jobs, like being a delivery driver or personal cab, and stuff at that Infinity Foundation place.

She didn’t have rich parents. From what Simon was able to find, she was never reunited with them, whoever they were. If they had lived in Seattle when she was taken, there was nothing on file to indicate that she was reported missing. Of course… he didn’t know what her real name was. The name Jalicia Barrett only became a name for her in the year after Grace left the mental institution. He knew that was likely connected.

Maybe… she wound up in the system after Grace touched base with them? At any rate… whoever the girl who was brought into trafficking had been, she was now Jalicia Barrett, a girl who began existing when she was 13 or 14 and obviously probably didn’t know her DOB either, as it was on record as the day that her name was given, her documents were created all around the same time, so she had to either have been a baby whenever she was taken, or simply never knew her personal information like birth date and full name.

BUT, she did have prints on file, so she probably had birth records that could be matched to them somewhere. He didn’t know if he wanted to get into that… or if she hadn’t done so herself and simply decided that life was easier being the person that she knew herself to be now. He certainly couldn’t imagine separating from his loved ones and then not finding them for a decade or so and then just… trying to pretend that they were family after all or something. She had the family she wanted… Well… she lost one. He felt bad for her. It wasn’t the same, but whenever he lost Grace, he felt like his world collapsed. To even pretend to understand how this woman must feel losing her life partner after years of being together, he wouldn’t insult her like that. Instead, he looked into the details surrounding that. Whatever happened to that investigation?

He’d provided an alibi for them and the police never spoke with him again. He’d done his best playing ignorant and pretending that everything was casual. Whenever they asked him about Heath, he said that he didn’t know Heath. “I’ve only met him once and he didn’t show up to the gathering… Is he alright?” They didn’t answer, just wished him a good day.

Now, he was looking through their paperwork and he was sure that he might find something interesting, if not useful. Simon had no idea what he was looking for with these other people. Something that led him back to Grace’s trail, and he had to figure out how they worked to even presume that…

Here’s the thing… Simon wasn’t going to write himself off as wrong or going too far. For crying out loud, the things that these people did, and they felt justified in their reasonings, so he wasn’t going to allow himself to feel bad. Grace might need him, and Xander was keeping her away from him. He cursed himself over that gun, though. However, IF she would have just let him explain that he only had it to keep Xander from getting it! He didn’t know what to think when he holstered it, but it wasn’t for her! Why would he hurt her? He scanned through paperwork, trying to take his mind off of Grace’s lack of faith in him and then, he was sure that he found what he needed. If not; he’d found something interesting. “Huh.”

.

Grace called Sunny for more tips. She was doing everything that she told her to, and reading all these books and articles, ordering all sorts of holistic woo woo shit, and trying SO HARD just to not lose it out there… Sunny was always a mood lifter for her though. They would talk for however long, laugh, joke, sometimes get entirely too serious and cry… they hadn’t done this in a long time, but Grace had been calling her more frequently lately and, well… it was necessary for her to be available.

“It’s like… I don’t want to use this word lightly, and I especially can’t tell Xan, but I feel like I’m like… addicted… Does that sound stupid?”

“Xander doesn’t own the word addicted, Grace. He’s struggled with a few drugs over the years, but one of the reasons is because he’s sick. Some people can try things and never really become addicted to them because those things didn’t appeal to them in that way. This dude appealed to you in a way that your body wasn’t used to. He got into your mind, and most likely changed the chemical balance. Affected your hormones and shit, only to find that he wasn’t what you thought and now your chemicals gotta try to balance back out without his influence, so no, it doesn’t sound stupid. Perhaps melodramatic, but I don’t know. You could be addicted to the way that he made you feel. Going through dick withdrawals is a struggle that people don’t give enough credence, too.”

Grace snorted. “I’m… not… going through that. We weren’t like that. I don’t even know if he ever was into me that way? It was like… I don’t know… I never got the feeling that he desired me physically.”

“What feeling did you get?”

“For the most part, that he wanted me around. I don’t know why. He never seemed to be asking anything of me but to let him be near me. He was very good about not entering my personal space, and even when I got comfortable, he still never made any move on me or anything like that. He just seemed to like to be… present.”

“Okay, but what would he be doing when he was present?”

“Sometimes nothing, really. Just looking at me, or listening to me. Sometimes, we were doing our own thing - me reading a book. Him playing video games or writing, or… Idk, working on a cosplay outfit.”

“Girl, on what?”

“He’s a fantasy fanboy before he’s a fantasy writer, so he you know… makes cosplay costumes and stuff for conventions. Whenever he’s not scheduled to be on a panel at one… This is something that I’ve observed, not something that he’s said. He… doesn’t talk about himself a lot. Not at all, come to think about it.”

“Xander makes him out to be a literal serial killer.”

“Xander hates him. What about 808? What does she say? Xan seems to think that he “got to her” or played some kind of mind games or something?”

“Well… she didn’t say anything to me about him, except that he was very talkative and apparently worships you. She was pretty thrown off guard at how comfortable he seemed with being caught and held hostage. She said that he is either the most nonchalant person ever or the craziest fucking person that she’s ever drawn a weapon on, because he acted like they were buddies just chitchatting, and we all know that he knows what we do to people.” Grace didn’t reply. Sunny offered, “Well, whenever I think about the shit that I went through with Xander and how we always seem to find each other in the dark, it's usually in terms of No Angel.”

Grace said, “Beyonce’s No Angel?”

“”Is… Is there another one? Because, if there’s anything AND a Beyonce song, just go ahead and assume that I am only speaking of the Beyonce option.” Grace laughed. Sunny recited, “ I love you even more than who I thought you were before.” Grace held her breath, unsure of what to say to this. Sunny continued, “All I mean to say is that sometimes people aren’t who we initially thought. Sometimes they’re worse. Sometimes they are seriously fucked up. Sometimes, they’re absolute trash… But… you might still love their ass.”

“Damn, Sis… Is this how you feel about Xan? Because those are some hard descriptions.”

“No. Xander is definitely a hot mess, but I was absolutely describing your… thing… over there. Jimony?”

“Simon,” Grace said, trying not to laugh.

“Right. I knew it had “mon” in it.”

.

Jalicia didn’t know what it was about that station that made her put it on all of the time, but her streaming service generally stayed on an old r&b from the 60s and 70s station, and sometimes 80s and 90s, whenever she was at work. She had a journal with a tiger on the front that she was writing down poetry in, but she could never think of titles for any of her work, and she didn’t feel like she was that artistically creative, so she’d title everything, “(Song Title) Plays in the Background,” whether or not the song had any bearing on the poem. Today’s? Let’s Groove Plays in the Background.

Work was a little bit overwhelming, these days, but only because of the things that had nothing to do with it. The fact that she wouldn’t just receive flowers sometimes and have her coworkers wonder why her boyfriend was this thoughtful, but they never saw him. Or the days where she would pout about being broke and having to pack a stupid sandwich and he would insist on having something sent to her at lunchtime, if he didn’t just make her a different, more fulfilling lunch instead. The way that she would get a text whenever he went on his own lunch break, and it would just be some hilarious video or a new thing that they just HAD to buy. Work was overwhelming, because what she had leaned on every shift was the fact that he’d interrupt it with something nice and that she would leave there and get to see him every day.

Now, she was listening to Earth Wind & Fire, in a gray pantsuit and fooling around on her computer while she waited for something to do. She heard the tone of the doorway and she got up to see if somebody needed help. It was a college bookstore and she was often far overdressed, but all she had aside from her typical attire were the pantsuits she wore when she had to do something other than be casual - like functions and interviews or whatever, so that was what she wore to work.

The O. He looked at her like they were friends or something. A polite smile and warmth in his eyes. She stared him down and reached for her phone. “Hi. Can I just have a moment?” He asked. She texted: The O is here and hit “send” to 747. “It won’t take long, I just wanted to give you something.” The O reached into his bag and Jalicia had already identified four common objects in her immediate surroundings that she would definitely use as a weapon against him if he tried something slick. He handed her an envelope, one of the big yellow ones and she frowned.

“I’m not taking whatever that is. For all I know it’s got anthrax in it.”

He laughed and opened it himself, pulled out the paperwork and handed it to her. “I figured out a better method of tracking people down than Heath had the resources for. I know that Xander is trying his hardest, God help him, but he’s not much on a computer and some of these things are hard to find.” She took the pages and glanced through them. Simon helped her find a certain page, “I’ve guessed that you maybe didn’t know much about this part of the situation that you all walked into. The… X, I suppose you’d call him, was very paranoid that he might be on your list and he hired protection.” He pointed out a few key lines that he had highlighted. “Professional protection, and yet when the time came to protect him, Heath wasn’t shot in the arm, or hell, if they didn’t want him to escape, the leg is an option as well.”

“They killed Heath on purpose,” She said, the wind knocked out of her as she did. She tried to take a seat, but just fell back onto a table and leaned against it, knocking down several books.

“They wanted to send a message and since you all slacked up since then, I’m sure that they think that they did.” She started crying angrily and wiped her face. “Flip to the next page.” Her hands were shaking and she wasn’t sure of what she might see, but she flipped to the next page anyway. “That’s your shooter. Since he was on the job, he confessed to being the one who fired and because Heath was breaking an entering and had no family to intercede for an investigation… the cops seem to be fine with what happened to him, despite the fact that our laws state that a person may not use more force than is necessary given the situation.” She shut her eyes and squeezed out tears, her fists tightly holding onto the phot0 of the man. “Next page are his personal details. Do with it whatever you think is best. I just thought that you would want to know.”

She shivered and cried, “This doesn’t mean that I owe you anything. I didn’t ask you for this and I don’t feel indebted to you for it.”

“Jalicia… I’m on your side. Whatever side Grace is on, that’s where I am. I did this because I want to help.”

“Well… This is the most help you’re getting from me - Xander’s on his way.”

“Then, I’ll be on my way.” He had that polite smile again and she was almost terrified how easily it came to him. He left quite a few minutes before Xander arrived.

She instantly fell apart as soon as she saw him, handing him the papers and explaining to him what he was looking at. She left work and was going to call Grace, but Xander snatched her phone while he was driving. “No, what if he. like, cloned your phone or something?”

“What? This ain’t Person of Interest, Boy. What the fuck are you talking about, Bro? He’s rich but it’s not like he’s Lex Luthor.”

“We can’t chance it. He’d do anything to find out where she is.”

“Give me yours, then.”

“Just hold off. I need to check this dude out. For all we know, Simon is just blowing smoke up our asses to get us to lead him to Grace.”

“The fact that you think it’s more likely that he falsified a bunch of police documents than that he simply sneaked them away is making me wonder about you .”

“I let him get too close to her before, and I’m not doing that again.”

Jalicia snatched her phone back from him and they wrestled for it but, he eventually heard Grace on speaker.

“What is happening on that end?” She asked, laughing a little bit nervously.

“We need to talk about Simon,” Jalicia said.

“I disagree with that sentiment!” Xander said in the background.

There was a pause. Grace was panicking a little bit. Did they know that she was trying to check his pages? That she was trying to see if she could make a temporary account just to try to get to them? How would they know that, Girl?

Jalicia added, “It’s about Heath.” Xander turned red in the face and he shook his head and tried to breathe. “Oh, fuck you, Xan. You left him there to die. The least you could do is chill out while I speak to Grace about this.”

“Whoa… That’s not extremely fair. The Apex protocol is that if somebody is hit, we leave and regroup. We go in with the expectation that if we’re hit, we would slow everyone down and jeopardize everything. So, Xander and I both left him,” Grace said the last statement laced with sadness and guilt.

“He pulled you out and sped away,” Jalicia said.

Xander scoffed and then burst into tears, “I’m glad that you’re telling us how you really feel.” His voice was surprisingly calm, but the ladies knew that hurt him more than anything ever had in this world.

“Tell me what you need to say,” Grace said.

“Simon found Heath’s killer.”

“Simon found a person he alleges is Heath’s killer.”

“He had all of the paperwork to corroborate it. More than Heath has ever collected on any X.”

“He had paperwork on a man who works in security who may have shot Heath dead, but as far as we know is not a bad person. He probably was just on a security job. Somebody broke into the house he was guarding and he shot!”

“WHY DID HE SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD???” Jalicia squealed. “I’ve been over this myself, before Simon EVER said anything about it, but WHY didn’t they shoot him to survive and answer questions about what is one of the most infamous string of serial murders to ever hit the city? Why would he risk his job to kill someone that way in security, if there wasn’t a reason that Heath needed to be dead?”

“You… you think that the security dude is old Apex?”

“I think that at best, the security dude wanted to kill a person that he didn’t HAVE to kill and he used Heath as a perfect excuse, making him a shitty person, in my opinion, and at worst, he didn’t want us saying anything to anybody, because he knew why we were there!”

“But, we did release what we had on the X. The information is out there now. Nothing was done about it,” Grace added.

“Precisely! Just as nothing was done about this trigger happy buttfuck, even though our laws state that you’re not supposed to kill motherfuckers if you don’t have to!” Jalicia said. She looked at Xander, poked him in the arm and reminded him, “You were the first one to claim you’ll avenge him”

“And you told me to go fuck myself.”

“Emotions were definitely running high, but if you’re looking for the chance to make good on your word, you’ll have to suck it up and just live with the fact that Simon gave us this, like I have to live with the fact that Heath is never fucking coming home!” She got louder than she intended. Xander wiped his tears with the back of his hand, but more just poured out. He nodded, but he was still extremely upset.

“Send me what Simon sent you. I’ll let you know what I decide from there.”

“Thank you, Grace.”

Grace sighed, paused, then said, “Heath would have wanted us to get out, but even if you had driven away and left us all, we wouldn’t have faulted you… That’s the protocol. Heath knew that…”

“Does that make it easier for you?”

“No. But, we shouldn’t make it harder on each other, either…” Jalicia sighed, rolled her eyes and let more tears fall. “I’m sorry, Jalicia. Heath was the first person in the warehouse that I ever cared about. I would trade myself for him, if I could.”

“He’d never let you,” she hung up and reached out for Xander. He accepted her hand. “I was mean to you…”

“You were honest. It just fucking hurts. Heath was the backbone of this family, and everyday he isn’t here, I lose more and more respect and control. He kept me grounded.”

“Doesn’t Sunny do that too?”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Maybe you don’t let it be. Maybe the reason Heath was your rock was because you thought that you only needed one. That’s what I did, too. I didn’t even realize how much of my life revolved around him until I was just spinning in space, with nothing to pull me back. Why do you think I moved in with your ass?”

“To split rent.”

She gave a resigned shrug, but shook her head, “I thought that it would make things better, if even just to put me in a spot where I could just not think about it and not be alone. I figured I wouldn’t get over it, but that at least I would logically be able to grant myself some peace because you’re there too, and that there would be some type of comfort. Not emotionally. That’s gonna take more time than I even believe that I have left in this world. But… at least I wanted that solid ground to stand on, to be able to say, Heath would want his two favorite people to lean on each other and find some strength in his absence.” Xander sniffled. She finished, “But it didn’t matter, and I don’t even know what to do, because I thought that being around you would guarantee some balance, even if it didn’t truly help… I still have all of my grief, and I’m..” she whimpered, “So tired. And empty. And distant. My closest living friend is sitting right next to me, and I have been so alone…”

Xander pulled the van over, unlatched his seatbelt and hugged her. She wasn’t done. She was so focused on her train of thought that she hadn’t even actually noticed that Xander was hugging her. “Heath was always in my life. Before any other human that I can remember. Like, logically, I know that Grace took care of Todd and Heath took care of me… but… I don’t even remember anybody else until maybe I was 5 or 6. I know he wasn’t the only person around, but in my mind, he was. I have NO frame of reference that doesn’t involve him. He was…” She finally realized both that Xander was already holding her and that she was crying again.

She remembered something. She was 4 or 5, her brain was never good at that part. She wasn’t in school or anything. All of her special days were simply moments and occurrences. This particular occurrence. A boy with light hair, getting hurt really bad by the stewards. Heath covered her eyes and started talking about flowers. He found a new book about them. He’d help her try to read later. The noise of the boy being beaten up was in the background, but at the time, she was too young to pay any attention to it and listen to Heath. So, she listened to Heath and the beating was background noise filtered out. Afterwards, he took her to the side of the building and let her pick flowers for their new friend. The new boy was mean. He was mean to Heath and Grace had to help Heath. Then, he was nice. She looked at Xander’s face and saw that same boy, just as hurt and just as angry as the first day she recalled a memory of him.

“He wasn’t always in mine… but he was the first person who was ever just nice to me for no reason other than to be nice,” Xander said. “There’s nothing that I want more than to punish a person who would take him away from us, but to have Simon, SIMON, give us that…” He was red in the face and shaking his head. “He’s using it to get to Grace, and I just didn’t want to give him that kind of power.”

“Then why didn’t you just say, ‘Hey, lets not tell her where we got the information?’ If you had just sent it to her with X confirmed, instead of fighting me in traffic…”

“You didn’t give me a chance!”

“I just… This ONE thing, then maybe I can move on.” He nodded and buckled back in. “I’ll get to work on the logistics. In case Grace gives us the go ahead, I want to be ready to move as soon as possible.”

.

Simon pulled his hair up into a high ponytail. He was going to try to get it into a bun, but it had been getting longer and thicker, and while he’d normally just pull the top part into a pony and let the rest hang, but it was windy and he was going to be pretty active, so high ponytail, it was. He had been checking out the X that he gave Jalicia, to see if they were going to make a move on him. He wasn’t positive of the typical turnaround time on an X, so he simply went to watch every night. He wasn’t going to do the car. Dude was in security. He’d probably make him.

Instead, he parked around the block and went to a big tree across the street from the X’s home to post up. He had binoculars and an awkwardly applied hunting tree seat. It wasn’t made for him to be up this high, but he situated it only to have a seat that wasn’t tree bark. He spent the time that he wasn’t watching the house on social media, checking out Sunetra’s pages… which… apparently she went by “Sunny…” which… Simon noted to himself that he had seen a little sun tattoo on Xander, and whenever he came across Sunny’s very tasteful artistic nudes, he saw that she had a little tattoo, as well, on her chest, of an “X.”

Her photos were really nice and she seemed to… possibly be a stripper? He checked a few of her posts and captions. She hashtagged #burlesque in some of them, so maybe not a stripper, but something risque. She was in the fine arts program in college, for dance and had many posts from the Infinity Foundation of her doing dance workshops, yoga, and stuff. She had a lot of witchy posts, too. Simon rolled his eyes, but kept scrolling. Several of her posts were really funny. He noticed a yoga and meditation program that she would be doing at a community center and saved the post.

He watched the X for about a week and a half when he saw the van pull up. In the dark, he couldn’t tell who people were, but two had gotten out and through the binoculars, he could tell that Xander was one and the other was Jalicia. He checked the van. That was an unfamiliar one behind the wheel, but he presumed that it was Sunny or 808, and that he simply couldn’t see them... There was a loud noise and screaming in the house. He turned to see that Jalicia had a knife to a woman’s throat while Xander was escorting the X out, with his hands up. He got him to the van, injected something into his neck and tossed him in. Jalicia unhanded the woman, but appeared to take a bag along with her and the woman ran next door.

Jalicia had taken all the phones with her. The woman had to run next door to call the police. Simon realized that she was probably doing that, and he got out of the tree to get back to his car. If he hurried, he might be able to catch the van!

He went the direction that they had, and when he came to what he thought might be them, he put on a mask of his own, but it was a medical mask, just because that was… possibly not as weird as if he wore like a clown mask or something. They had NOT handled that in the way that he expected. Something told him that they either were rushing or desperate. He wondered why.

But, whenever they pulled the van into an old train station, he parked behind the building and got out of his car. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up. This is fucked up.  

He could hear their voices, and he followed the sound of them, but didn’t come from the shadows of the building. They were dragging the bag into a field that Simon knew that he had passed several times in his life, but never paid much attention to. Nobody really did. Was this where they buried them? He wondered. He only saw Jalicia and Xander, pulling the body bag with one hand and carrying shovels in their free hands. Where was the driver? He went around the other side of the building and the van was pulling off. Where were THEY going? He couldn’t start his car. Jalicia and Xander weren’t far enough away to not hear him. He groaned and went to look back towards the field. He couldn’t see anything beyond the tall grass, but he used his phone to try to record where they were… maybe he could find it in the daytime. Besides, they were now far enough away that he could start his car without alerting him. He felt like he had enough.

Simon drove home, wary of a van behind him for a portion of the way. He took some loops and turnarounds that he wouldn’t usually take before he was comfortable that they weren’t following him and it wasn’t the van… but after he got home, he noticed at the bottom of the hill a van, and it looked like the van that they used. It looked like the van that he was nervous might be following him. But. There was no way that the van had found him after those turns. Was it one of them, just letting him know that they knew he had followed them?

He rushed inside and looked out of the curtains. They were there for a moment. They turned the van off and he took a deep gulp and reached for one of his guns. They got out of the van and stood, staring up at the house. DEFINITELY APEX. This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.This is fucked up.

They stared, wearing a gold mask, a tam hat, and the all black outfit that he had gotten used to, but then not seen for a while. “Grace!” He said. He put his gun down and rushed out of his door. “Grace?” He called, but she rushed back into the van, tossed something out, and peeled off. “Grace…” He ran down the hill and out to the road. She was gone… He looked down to see what she had thrown down on her way off. It was a Stop sign with a red squiggly line underneath the word “Stop.” He picked it up, roared and began to smash it against the pavement, before flinging it into the middle of the road and going back into his house. He called Jalicia and she looked at her phone, not recognizing the number, so she answered it. “Hello?”

“Was that Grace?” a voice asked.

“What?”

“The person who just followed me home and told me to stop. Was that Grace?”

“No,” was all that she said. He hung up. She put her phone away.

“Who’s that?” Xander wondered.

“Non issue,” she said. It wasn’t a complete lie, and there was no way that she was about to ruin their night with… whatever that had been about. She and Xander were still digging when their third came walking up, her gold mask on her face and a shovel in hand. “Girl, where did you rush off to?”

“I knew he was gonna still be alive,” she said and pulled up the mask onto her head. Sunny. “Had to make a stop,” she said with a shrug. She and Jalicia stared at each other a moment, and Xander kept digging, oblivious to the exchange of them questioning each other with their eyes. It was short lived, because Grace was connecting for the video call. “Hey, Girl, Hey!” Sunny cheered.

“Bitch, I’m so mad that I’m not there right now.”

“Be mad at Jimona,” Sunny said.

“Simon!” Grace said, laughing. Then, more solemnly, said, “Draw a squiggle right across his face, for me.”

“Sure will,” Sunny said, pulling her knife out. “What are you listening to, Woman?”

Grace checked the info on her streaming, “Hurts by Emeli Sande.”

“That’s dope. Send me the link to that.”

.

Simon was at the apartment now, crying and sitting in front of the cameras. He wondered if she would return with them, but looking at the feeds he had placed to check the outside of their homes, he noted that the three entered Xander and Jalicia’s home at 3:47 am… and that… wasn’t Grace. It was the woman that he had initially identified as, “One who looks like Grace.” It was Sunny… He flared his nostrils and set an alert to remind him about the yoga and meditation at the community center.

His phone began to ring while it was in his hands. It was a private number. For a moment, he let his heart accelerate. “Hello?” He answered.

Silence. He sighed and almost hung up, but… he felt something. His tears stopped, he sat up erect and waited. She was silent, still. He was afraid to break it, but more afraid of her losing whatever nerve she had at the moment and hanging up. So, he dared to speak. He kept his voice soft and low. Gentle, like he knew she would remember him being. “Hey…” He said. He heard her sniffle and it tore at his heart. “Hey,” he managed to say even softer. “Are you okay?” She sniffled again. “Tell me what I can do to make you okay?”

“Why did you do that, Simon? Why did you?”

“I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to know you. I wanted you… I didn’t know what to do. I was desperate. I am desperate. Please, tell me where you are…”

“You let Xander catch you.” There was the longest pause since the conversation started. Eventually, she spoke again. “I feel like the kids walked in on me doing something dirty…”

“I feel like it’s none of ‘the kids’ damn business what we do.”

“They can’t see stuff like that. They can’t see me being followed and watched, obsessively. They can’t just move on from that. You have no idea the kind of people who… Why did you have a gun?”

“Because, I had just been attacked by somebody that I know is a murderer and I was on edge…” They were quiet again. “I can keep them out of sight from now on. I can keep them away from you, at all times…”

“If I come back into town, my crew is gonna get… difficult. It won’t be safe for you.”

“I can’t prove myself to them? To you? Did you see what I found for them? For Heath? For Jalicia?... For you?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Jalicia told me right away…”

“You sound like you’re smiling,” he observed, daring to smile, himself.

“I can’t help it… but… we can’t… do this, Simon.”

“Don’t…”

“We’re both in really weird places and us coming together isn’t good… for either of us, I think…”

“Please…”

“We shouldn’t be together, see each other, anything. You should… get on with your life.”

“No!”

“Bye, Simon.”

“NO!!” She hung up. He bit into his lip so hard that he drew blood, trying to keep his composure. He couldn’t even go to the gun range right now! But.. He could… go back to that field. He knew where it was. He knew where the bodies were now… he… was running out of patience, but he reminded himself that it wasn’t her fault. The longer they kept her away from him, the more confused she would be. She just needed to understand that he was on her side. If she couldn’t… she would have to learn that there were consequences for going against him.

13. A Shot in the Dark Pt 1

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (12/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Recruitment Season.

Having been recruited himself, Levi was somewhat familiar with the timeline. Or at least he should have been familiar with it.

When he had suggested showing up for one of Mikasa’s tournaments, his end goal had been to at least get Hange out of her hole, the same way she had pulled him out of his own slump. With nothing else on his mind though leading up to the tournament, he found himself a little too surprised at the large crowd that showed up that day at the entrance of the school.

And Levi was familiar with the clipboards, the iPads and the way those particular people strode into the school with some sort of purpose.

The school so close to their largest city was much larger than the school he grew up in. Back in his old school, there were only two to five scouts at a time for at least ten different sports. There, by the entrance of Public School No. 104, the crowd was large and Levi was overwhelmed.

For a second he doubted whether or not he had read the entries on the events page right. That second became a few seconds and maybe even a minute as Levi recalled that there had been multiple events slated for that day. There was a huge possibility that he could have read it wrong.

He had thought ahead enough at least to bookmark the page on his phone. Whether or not he had thought ahead to bookmark it because of any lingering doubt or because it had been just a little too convenient to click the star on his phone was a question he quickly brushed off even before he could entertain it.

What was important then was he had something to assure him that he hadn’t been a total idiot taking Hange to that school.

If we can’t watch jumping, maybe they have diving or gymnastics or something. Levi thought to himself in that few second gap pulling the phone out of his pocket and scrolling through it.

Those were all consolations though. The grand prize was still the high jump event and he would hate himself if he had read the time wrong. The chances were small but the visit to the school had been crucial for many reasons.

For one, Hange had not gone out since her parents gave her a deadline to vacate her apartment. She hadn’t seemed completely alive since then, almost reminiscent of Levi’s own bout of isolation. She didn’t do much either to ask for help, to open up about her own turmoil.

It had been just the two of them clearing out years worth of clutter in the apartment for hours on end, which soon turned to days on end, save for those small few hours to get groceries. The silence which only further alluded to the lifelessness of the room, was deafening.

And in his own way, Levi found himself almost obliged to reignite something within her.

On top of that, Levi hadn’t written anything for three days. At first glance, that wasn’t an issue. Overtime though, with nothing much to do, with the decision to stay at home with Hange, he had started writing more, organizing thoughts on Petra, Zeke, Erwin, Farland, Isabel and he had written thousands of words, tens of pages but Levi was sure, the story was far from over.

There were glaring holes that he had dug through the deepest pits of his memories trying to fill. His documents were riddled with empty bullet points, blank spaces and sometimes even half complete sentences any other casual reader would have never made sense of.

There were inarguable truths though with what he had pieced together. Many of the people he had met had died, and he felt the raw pain with every single one of them in his dreams, only manageable by the reminder that they were all alive and were merely dead as characters in his dreams.

In his dreams and in his stories, he was a soldier. Erwin died and Hange had taken over as a commander. And somehow, they had ended up outside the walls, lying together in the forest and Levi could have sworn he didn’t want to leave.

But for what? Why?

For a time before that, he had been in the forest with that blond doctor too and Levi had hated his guts then too.

But under what context?

Keep writing and you’ll find out. Something nagged at him. But it was as if he had written everything. The dreams just replayed. The memories of familiar strangers only got more and more vivid. And the dreams he saw and the thoughts he reflected on only served to add detail to the sceneries and to the faces as Levi wrote them.

But he knew how they looked like in real life, there was no need to describe their faces any more than he already did. And what did scenery have to do with anything? From what he remembered, half of what he dreamt of was within walls anyway.

But there was a lead. Mikasa Ackerman. He remembered voices. He remembered raw care and concern. And he was sure there was still something to probe on those names. He tried describing her on paper with just the name as some sort of lead, but it proved futile.

Any description he attempted to shoehorn into his stories seemed like a lie. It felt almost idiotic and almost obsessive then and Levi was very careful with his words as he asked for directions then.

They gestured for Levi to follow and he found himself keeping a good distance from the crowd as they walked through the school grounds.

From his place behind them, he had heard the name ‘Ackerman’ mentioned a few times among the college scouts, whether they were talking about him or Mikasa, he didn’t probe. He didn’t want to know either. Watching the high jump event might be painful enough for him and he didn’t want to unnecessarily add any more salt to that wound.

“Levi, you sure this is the way to go?” Hange asked.

“That’s where the scouts are going,” Levi said.

Hange pulled out her phone. “I’ll look for a school map.”

Levi shrugged. “The school is bigger than I expected. Let’s cover some ground while you search.” He kept his eyes ahead, keeping the crowd at least in his peripherals as he scanned his surroundings.

As they walked through the main path of the school, the crowd gradually dispersed. Then for Levi who had been so religiously following the crowds since almost a minute ago, it became a game of which crowd was biggest.

Because everyone should be here for Mikasa Ackerman right? Levi thought to himself. He couldn’t wait for Hange to navigate. He pressed on, following the biggest crowd before they turned the corner and disappeared completely.

The crowd may have been for Mikasa, or it could have been for any other athlete or any other sport. He never did find out.

“Levi, I think we should turn around here… The high jump event should be---” Hange started.

“It’s Connie Springer! Connie Springer’s batting next!”

From his view along the main road, partially obscured by tall trees and bushes dotting the landscape, Levi hadn’t gotten a good view at first. And if it hadn’t been for the familiar name, maybe Levi never would have sped up, or gone as fast at least as his limp and his crutches would take him.

He turned the corner, the largest crowd forgotten. He made good distance, even on the rocky landscape that made up the smaller path.

“Levi, be careful. You might trip.” Hange asked. “Besides, where are we going? The high jump event i...”

Hange’s protests eventually faded into something unintelligible from behind him. If he had actually tried to listen, maybe he would have heard whatever else she was saying. It was as if his mind knew, anything she said was futile. He was hell bent on making that detour and he was 100% that detour which was only a few feet away, would give him enough of a satisfying answer.

We can check the venue after. Just give me this few minutes. Levi had been in enough high jump tournaments to know they lasted a fair amount of time anyway.

The smaller path opened up to a field. There were athletes on the field clad in red, one on the field clad in green. Levi had enough stock knowledge on Major League Baseball to know exactly what was happening.

The innings were all on the scoreboard, large enough for Levi to see from his angle. Visitors were leading by three points. The home team had one more out left before the game would be declared over. And out on each base was one player clad in green.

It was a decisive possession for green. Levi surmised even if it hadn’t been Connie Springer who had caught his attention then, maybe he still really would have stopped to watch.

A lot of the crowd looked like they were thinking the same thing. Even with the game almost over, people were still approaching the field.

Connie Springer…

Levi heard the whispers among the scouts. Good runner. Mediocre Batter. And maybe he had felt a little offended for Connie when someone had joked that they should just bid the regionals and nationals goodbye.

Connie was better than that. Levi was sure.

And just like Levi had thought, Connie seemed unfazed. From his position at the side of the field, Connie approached the home plate at a steady yet rapid pace, bat in hand.

The whispers around him only started to get louder as Connie got into a position to bat.

Connie was a mediocre batter and a good runner at the same time. And Connie's hand position as he held the bat was a remnant of just that. Connie held one hand behind the mid section of the bat and he gripped it as if he weren’t going to let go any time soon.

He’s gonna bunt. Levi didn’t need the whispers for that commentary. Just as expected, that was a safe play for someone deemed a ‘shitty batter’ by the cruel audience.

Connie gripped the bat and positioned it. The pitch came a second later. And in that small span of a few seconds, Levi’s expectations were subverted, and as proven by the gasps around him, it looked like the audience’s expectations were subverted as well.

Connie had taken a risk. And in the next few seconds, everyone would find out if it were a good risk. He had swung the bat all the way through, there was a clank of the ball and the ball flew. Looking at the blue and white of the sky, Levi had to squint to see it.

It was a bunt fake. Levi soon realized. But he quickly dropped that thought as he followed Connie along all the bases. He was a great runner and Levi struggled to follow him through the bases. He felt his heart thumping as he followed Connie’s path.

He could hear screams from the audience to run. And Connie was screaming much louder as he ran even after having reached the second base.

Levi was sure he could have stopped there but Connie continued to run, screaming to the others to run as well. And by the third base, Connie could have stopped, and they could have secured a tie. The coach by the third base, held his hands up high, as if to tell Connie to take those three points.

It’s a tie game, no need to. And as Levi soon found out, any efforts to move in the next few seconds would be risky. Levi followed the ball which was already making the rounds of the bases. And when he looked back to third base, he found it empty. Connie was still running.

There were angry screams and Levi wouldn’t be surprised if it was from the coach. Levi didn’t bother to look anywhere else though to check. The next few milliseconds, he dedicated to Connie who was still dashing towards the home base.

Levi’s breath caught that split second when the catcher bent over to grab the ball.

But he still has to tag Connie. The catcher made the mistake of approaching Connie on the lane connecting the bases.

Or was it a mistake? He was blocking Connie’s path. And if Connie did anything like stray away from the path it would be an out.

He kept moving, As if fortune did favor the brave, everything started working for him at once. The catcher had bent over to dash faster. Connie was only getting faster, gaining momentum with every stride.

The split second Connie launched himself in the air and over the catcher, Levi could have sworn time stopped. That pause could have lasted an eternity. Yet everything after that could have happened on fast forward. Connie fell onto the home plate and skidded violently on the field and before Levi could take a good look, Connie was surrounded.

That scene on the field reminded Levi of his own accident months ago.

Is he okay? Levi stayed longer than he should have. He knew if he had left then and there, he probably wouldn’t be able to rest without the guarantee that the young baseball player out there wouldn’t suffer the same fate Levi had.

“Levi… Did you see that?” It sounded like Hange was struggling to breathe.

But in a good way. A good way he had missed so much, he found himself distracted enough to look away from the congregation on the home base and back at Hange.”It looked like he was flying huh?” Levi asked, taking a long good look at Hange as he said those words.

Her face was flushed. The glimmer in her eyes was still there, albeit weaker. Her eyes completely concentrated on the scene in front of her, as if in a trance. And Levi was sure she was imagining, seeing herself in that same spot only a second ago.

Was that how it felt Hange? Every single time you saw someone jump?

Levi was convinced he was right. The glimmer in Hange's eyes was weaker for sure. At first, Levi had thought it to be a remnant of the events of weeks ago, with her thesis struggles, with her parent’s admonishing remarks.

Levi ended up concluding though, that it wasn’t weaker. It was just glowing differently.

There was no desire in her eyes, no childish jealousy at lost dreams she couldn’t achieve. It was as if Hange had gained the power to so purely and innocently, so easily place herself in another's shoes, when she just thinks through it.

And absence worked to make Levi notice it more but in that new glow, that new glimmer in her eyes, Levi noticed then, there was no subtle hint of guilt at having indulged in such a trivial and useless passion her whole life.

Yet every single time he had snuck glances at Hange watching jumps before that, there was guilt in her eyes. As if she was supposed to be doing something more important: studying, working, succeeding, meeting expectations.

Is that how liberation feels? Levi asked himself then. He wanted to ask her that same thing then but he found another question, a follow up question which popped so quickly into his mind even before he had completely articulated the first one. Does she know yet that she’s free?

Maybe she didn’t. Because it had just come so naturally for someone like her.

“I wrote her like that because that’s how Hange Zoe really is.”

“Then I’ll work harder to be like her.”

“You don’t have to. The squad leader and the commander are already in you, you just have to uncover for yourself those parts.”

And she had figured it out for herself in the easiest of states, in a trance borne of passion, ecstasy, excitement and maybe euphoria.

An authentic, unrehearsed and organic smile, from Hange of all people, had left Levi with too many emotions to wrangle with: nostalgia, relief, excitement and everything in between. Too many for him to figure out for itself. Yet, it manifested in that moment, as Levi stood frozen next to her, staring at her for god knows how long. As if that Hange Zoe was something he had lost so long ago, maybe even centuries or even millennia ago. And he could have stood there forever as long she remained in that state of pure organic euphoria.

Hange’s lips widened, then curled up into a smile. “He’s okay!” She screamed, much louder than what could have been appropriate for that situation, for someone who barely even knew the guy on the field.

Levi didn’t mind though. In another story, maybe in another life, Connie was a member of their legion after all.

Hange’s outburst was a done deal and there was nothing much they could do about the eyes focused on them or the whispers among the crowd. Levi took advantage of that sunk cost, he approached Connie who was sitting alone on his bench, taking a quick drink of water.

“You did great out there.” It came out as barely a whisper and as Levi soon realized, he was still too far for Connie to have heard it. And the latter didn’t.

That whisper had completely and so easily been overshadowed by calls from his own teammates to hurry up and pack his things. Connie’s team was going to regionals.

And maybe after that, nationals. It would have been nice to send some sort of congratulations then. Reality took over and brought with it reasonable arguments, all against some sort of odd and almost stalkery approach towards Connie.

Their team would be celebrating that night. Connie was far gone and had disappeared among the crowd of red baseball uniforms. It would be an odd and completely unjustifiable effort to chase Connie down then.

“Congratulations,” Levi whispered to himself.

“Congratulations to...? The home team?” Hange asked, stepping up beside him.

“Yeah, I would have wanted to talk to them. Congratulate them myself.”

“I’m sure they heard you,” Hange said.

The murmurs among the crowd, the praises, the cries and the dissemination of rumors were ubiquitous and they were still far from dead, even as the crowds started to disperse. Behind it all, Levi heard the rustle of trees and the whistling of the winds.

And maybe the wind could carry messages for him. Just in case, Levi did whisper other words of greeting, much softer than what Hange would have heard beside him. They were generic words of congratulations and well wishes but Levi swore they were heartfelt.

And he ended it with one last personalized message. I hope we could meet again and maybe have a little more time to talk.

Hange’s voice broke through his little correspondence. “Hey Levi, we still have an hour or so before the high jump event. What about if we try other events on the way?”

Levi shrugged. “Why not? We’re here already.” The trip had proven to be filled with surprises already.

*******

"Levi, you shouldn't have gone to the toilet. You missed some amazing jumps. There's this girl…. Sasha Braus I think…"

“Sasha Braus?” Levi made sure to say her name slowly, to at least imply some unfamiliarity.

But he was all too familiar with that name already. In fact, that hadn't been a toilet break, Levi had gone to the cafeteria only a building away and bought some plastic wrapped melon bread. Just in case there would be an opportunity to talk.

"How many jumps did I miss?" Levi asked.

"Five or six but we missed the start of the competition already so I think we missed more than that. They said this was the last round… But Sasha's already winning by a lot."

"Just as expected."

"So you know Sasha?"

"I follow athletes too you know."

"But diving?"

"Maybe." Levi kept his reply short, unwilling to keep that joke of a charade any longer.

Hange had a knowing look on her face as if she never did believe him.

Levi returned Hange with a playful look of his own as if to say:

But how else would I know her name?

Hange probably suspected the recognition to have been the result of a series of deductions. But Levi wasn't that smart.

After that encounter with Connie, the names and faces just came to him much faster than ever. Even among the five athletes lined up in front of the pull, Levi could spot her from meters away, last in line

He checked the watch on his phone, thirty minutes until the high jump event. They had enough time to kill.

In the few minutes leading up to Sasha's final dive, Levi made sure to search her name.

Top diver. Top seed for college scouts. High level of diving technique.

Diving wasn't a particularly popular sport where they lived but it was enough to make waves at least on the internet.

When Levi started to watch the women dive into the water, performing tucks, pikes and twists along the way, he did wonder why it never was popular.

And with the way, Hange was looking at them, he suspected she thought the same thing.

"Let's go Sasha!" Hange's voice rang out in the indoor pool area.

Do we know her? Levi asked. Realistically, do we know her? He amended that soon after. He knew her. But was he supposed to know her. Was Hange supposed to know her?

He wasn't too self conscious either. She wasn't the only one who was cheering after all. He could have sworn the blonde in front of them was cheering just as hard.

"Was I too loud?" Hange whispered, a second later. "I think I got too excited."

"No, that's very much a Hänge Zoe move," Levi said.

That small shadow of self consciousness in Hange's voice completely dissipated and Levi was relieved to see that gentle yet excited smile that followed.

And it could have been a hint or an illusion, but as Levi looked back at the brunette who approached the edge of the diving board, he could have sworn she had given them a flicker of a gaze as she positioned herself on the edge.

She may have heard Hange's cheers. Levi wondered though, if she had heard any more of their cheers or if she had recognized them.

Levi leaned towards a 'no.' though having been disappointed a little too many times. And he considered it a done deal as she executed a difficult twist, a pike then dove into the water head first.

"The high jump is starting in ten minutes. We should go," Hänge said, glancing at her watch.

The melon bread in the inner pocket of Levi's jacket protested. He had bought it for her after all.

He had other options at least. "Psst…" Levi called the attention of the blonde in front of him.

She didn't look back.

"Historia," Levi said. He decided for himself then that it was worth the risk.

The blonde looked back at them, her eyes wide open in confusion. "I'm sorry… I don't think I recognize you…" It was just like her to still be polite to a couple of potentially creepy strangers.

"No need to recognize me," Levi said. He pressed the melon pan, into the hand that Historia had held out for a hand shake. "Get this to Sasha for us. Tell her it's from her fans."

With that, the two stepped down from their place in the second row bleachers and quickly and silently slipped out through the entrance.

*******

“Maybe we have the time for one more detour,” Levi said.

“We’re still on the way to the high jump venue. And it’s not like we’re gonna miss everything if we’re ten minutes late,” Hange added.

As they stood at the entrance of the gym along the main road, they were distracted for different reasons. Levi was distracted because he had heard that one name among the cheers loud enough to hear even beyond closed doors. Hange though looked like she had managed to at least get a glimpse of what was going on inside through the transparent glass of the door.

“Should we… go in?” Levi asked.

“You wanna? There’s only a few seconds left.”

“Why not?”

Even with both of them in a silent agreement, they still hesitated. The door opened towards the inside and from what Levi could see with a slight tiptoe, even the door was barricaded. As Levi took a closer look at Hange, he realized that that could have been one of the reasons she was hesitant to go in.

“I saw this pretty cool dunk through this window. I wish you could have seen it.”

“I’ve seen a lot of cool things today already.”

“Yeah, but a few more cool things wouldn’t hurt.”

“It’s okay, I’ll just look at them on Youtube after. You got a name?”

“I’m checking his jersey… The name is too far… Can’t see it from this shitty view. It starts with a K… And it looks like a really long name.”

“Kirstein?”

“Can’t tell…But that doesn’t sound like a long name.”

The buzzer rang loud enough that even Levi found himself jumping at the sound. Cheers followed which Levi had to admit, had been a worse ordeal for his ears than the buzzer of a while ago.

But maybe the wait will be worth it. Levi told himself and he willed himself to be patient. “Let’s wait by the side of the door. People are gonna be going out soon.”

“I wish we could have been earlier. I would have wanted to see more dunks.” Hange whined. “You know I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone dunk in real life until now.”

“Well, maybe one day I’ll take you to watch a basketball game live,” Levi said as he leaned on the wall to the side of the gym.

“The tickets are expensive.”

“Aren’t your parent’s filthy rich?”

“Well, they thought games were a waste of time…”

“After we graduate, then we get jobs, maybe we can watch together.”

“That would be nice.” Hange leaned on the wall right next to him. Leaning her head back, she looked to Levi and gave him a playful smile. “Then after that, we can go watch some Major League Baseball and some diving tournaments too.”

It was only then Levi realized he had leaned his head back in the same manner. The way she had mimicked it had been comforting and he found himself following suit. “Maybe we can watch a gymnastics competition or a skating competition?”

“And maybe when we earn more money… Let’s watch the olympics together.”

Levi smiled. “That’s the dream.” He looked at the sky above him, avoiding Hange’s gaze. With the price of the tickets and the distance of the venues though, Levi was aware that it was a distant dream.

But something inside him nagged.

Two months ago, actually making the olympics wouldn’t have been such a distant dream. His coach had talked about the Olympics many times before already, talking about scouts, about post graduation training with the national team. He wondered how pathetic he was at that moment, shifting from dreaming to make the Olympics to dreaming of just watching. It was a short episode of melancholy and maybe if Levi had indulged it, it would have lasted longer.

It was something he willed himself not to show Hange though and instead, he stared up at the sky, willing himself instead to silently admire the view. From his peripherals, he was relieved to see Hange had done similarly.

Noon had shifted to afternoon so subtly. Looking straight up at the light blue, didn’t hurt so much anymore and he suspected it was late afternoon already. He knew they should be leaving soon if they wanted to catch Mikasa’s tournament.

The melancholy weighed on him. As if Hange understood though, she was silent and she didn’t pressure him to move just yet. Levi slid back down on the ground, letting the crutches fall in front of him.

“You okay?” Hange asked, sliding down to a sitting position next to him.

No, I’m not. Levi would have answered. When he looked at Hange though, he saw understanding, as if she knew what would have only been the correct answer to that. But you aren’t okay either. Levi had to note, so it would have only served to stoke the fires of her own vulnerability to admit his own. So he went for a kind in-between.

“I know we’re both not okay. We just have to ride through this until shit gets better,” Levi said, giving Hange the best authentic smile he could muster which felt like more of a lopsided grin in the end.

Hange took a deep breath. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.” She returned that smile with her own and Levi was certain her own smile had been a better rendition of what he had.

“Jean! Hey! Come back here.”

Levi had done a pretty good job of tuning out the crowds that had been exiting the gym since a while ago. When he looked back to the entrance to see Jean and an unrecognizable teammate just outside, he was almost surprised to see their surroundings almost completely empty, especially when compared to a while ago.

“You can’t just leave. Coach will kill us.”

“I said, I’ll follow. It’s just a celebratory dinner. It’s not like we’ll lose our ticket to regionals if I don’t go.”

“But you scored the winning dunk.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Jean asked. “Besides I am going. I’ll just be late.”

The player next to Jean cleared his throat. “Is this about her?”

“Yes. I wanna watch her jump. Is that so bad?”

“Mikasa’s gonna have other tournaments you know.”

“But we’re going to be busy with regionals. Who knows how many times I’ll be able to catch her tournaments before graduation.”

There was an awkward silence between them and Levi was almost tempted to use that moment to approach Jean. Even with some support from Hange though, it had taken Levi more than enough time to push himself to a standing position.

“God you’re such a simp Jean.”

“Cover for me Caleb.”

Caleb walked back into the gym and Jean started to jog, making his way for the main path. Levi was sure with his current state he wouldn’t be able to catch up. It was as if Hange though had read his mind.

“Excuse me!”

Levi followed at a much slower pace, only able to catch up because the two had slowed to a stop in the middle of the main path.

“Mikasa Ackerman? Yes! She’s my classmate.”

Levi noted the light blush on Jean’s face as he spoke. “We wanna watch the tournament too,” Levi added, slowing to a stop beside Hange. “Could we walk there together? This is our first time here so we might get lost.” A partial lie. It wasn’t their first time but they had looked at the map on their phone enough times to have sworn on their life that the path they were taking was correct.

Jean had looked surprised at first, but his dumb expression had quickly shifted to something much friendlier. “I’d be happy to take you two there.” He held out his hand. “Jean Kirstein.”

Hange had been the first to take his hand in a friendly gesture. “Hange Zoe.”

The pleasantries were quickly forgotten and their conversation had shifted to other things. Along the way, Levi had stopped listening as it shifted to conversations on air time and agility exercises.

Just like Hange to want to talk about that. Levi thought. That was the thesis she had wanted to do after all.

Levi allowed himself to trail behind a bit, letting the two grab a bit more distance.

That gave him a good view of the two, side by side. And they have been side by side before, Levi recalled that much. They had discussed strategies, paperwork, war conditions many times before.

Levi took advantage of that distance between them. To further indulge that little picture of a memory, Levi whispered two names under his breath. Commander Hange Zoe and Commanding Officer Jean Kirstein.

That at least added some realism to the view. And Levi was sure he’d remember enough to write pages worth when he got home.

*******

“Looks like we haven’t missed a lot,” Hange said.

“You missed the first few heights but those were too easy. I wouldn’t be surprised if Mikasa sat it out.” Levi commented. He looked to Jean who was gesturing for them to follow as he climbed up the bleachers.

And he kept his focus on Jean the whole way up. The high jump event was his domain and although he had hoped to keep a low profile during the event, a part of him knew that it would be almost impossible. Although his face could be almost forgettable and maybe unnoticeable in the crowds, the crutches only made people stare. And when people stare, they have a tendency to look at faces. And when they look at faces they recognize, sometimes they talk.

Levi had learned that lesson so many times before already. At least though, with every lesson learned, he had gotten better at brushing off the whispers. On top of the quick introductions, the familiar faces on the bleachers had been a very helpful distraction as well, one unbothered and the other, the complete opposite, a little too curious about everything.

Eren and Armin.

“You’re late Jean. Weren’t you the one who so excitedly told Mikasa you’d show up to cheer her on?” Eren asked.

“Hey, I’m here right now. Besides, I knew you and Armin were going to show up anyway. You always do.” Jean said, raising his hands defensively. He looked back at the field as if searching for her among the athletes. “So when is she jumping?”

“She got eliminated.”

Jean buried his face in his hands. “You’re kidding.”

“Eren, she sat out the easier heights right?” Levi had to note that at first glance, it did look like Mikasa wasn’t there. He suspected that the bench where Mikasa was sitting was just a little obscured from their view on the bleachers. He had done similarly too often for it to be anything but routine.

“Oh, you’re familiar with how high jump events work. Better than horseface here,” Eren gave the still recovering Jean a side glance before looking back at Levi. Eren’s unbothered face was far from menacing.

With his own store on his side and his own thoughts, Levi found himself still a little too careful. “I’m a little familiar...” Levi said, letting his voice trail off as he looked back out at the field.

“Excuse me.” Someone spoke up from behind him.

Levi was quick to look back. Compared to Hange who was already so engrossed on the happenings on the field just below, Levi was far from entertained. The heights were still much lower than what he would have considered entertaining.

It was Armin who had called out to him. “Are you Levi Ackerman?” He asked. The blonde seemed so unsure of himself that Levi had half the mind to deny it there just to play with him for a while. Didn’t Jean introduce us already?

“Why do you ask?”

Armin put a hand at the back of his head and flashed a sheepish grin. “Well, ever since Mikasa got into high jumping, I started to get a little more familiar with the high jumping scene. Also Eren, didn’t your brother talk about him?”

Zeke Jaeger.

“He mentioned that Levi Ackerman was injured, probably sidelined for life…” Eren trailed off, he looked pointedly at Levi’s casted knee. “Is that it?”

“So you are Levi Ackerman…” Armin said, a little more certainty in his tone.

“Wait, who’s this Levi Ackerman? Are you related to Mikasa?”

Levi shrugged. He didn’t know the best way to answer it either. Do I say distant relatives? He opted for a safe yet vague. “Maybe.”

The three boys didn’t ask anymore. The crowds exploded into cheers, and in their own little corner, the five of them fell silent as Mikasa made her way to the center and approached the starting line of the runway.

Levi quickly estimated the bar to be at 1.8 meters, too high for most high school students. So high that only two had cleared the height. And if Mikasa cleared it, that meant three people would be moving on to the 1.9 meter bar.

Or when Mikasa clears it. Levi corrected himself a second later as he watched Mikasa run to the take off box.

The crowd cheered as she landed. It had done little though to pull Levi back to reality. The cheers were merely fading background music as Levi replayed that jump in his mind. Everything from the run to the take off to the landing, everything from the smallest twist mid air had been seamless and Levi only noticed a second later his mouth had been wide open.

Mikasa wasn’t the tallest among the jumpers either, as if she relied as well on her own flexibility to get her through the bar.

“Levi, that’s how you used to jump,” Hange said. That had been enough at least to pull Levi out of his trance. “Now do you get how it felt to see you jump?”

Levi didn’t answer instantly. His first instinct had been to look back at the Youtube videos and the Instagram videos of himself Hange had shared to him a while back. He couldn’t have jumped like MIkasa. Back when he had watched his own videos, he never felt the goosebumps, or his hair stand up, or that sudden need to drop his jaw and leave his mouth wide open for a good few seconds.

But his view of Mikasa had been organic, it had been an experience, unmarred by camera angles, commentaries and video edits. Real life didn’t have video edits, and with his own first hand experience, he had the freedom and the convenience to continue to follow Mikasa, long after her jump was over.

He ignored the next two who had failed at the 1.9 meter height, completely eliminated. He had only surmised their own fate from the less than enthusiastic cheers from the crowd that followed each attempt. He continued to follow Mikasa, all the way until her second jump, focusing on the way her body curved so easily above the bar, the way her body twisted into a more comfortable angle mid flight.

As if she’s been flying her whole life.

“Ladies and gentlemen! We have a champion! Mikasa Ackerman!” The announcer chimed. But they weren’t cleaning up yet.

“There’s one more event: the men’s event, then after that the awarding,” Armin explained.

Levi shifted his attention once again to Mikasa who was making her way away from the center.

Towards the audience. Towards the front row. Levi followed Mikasa s gaze, to see a familiar back profile at the front row. The man only stood up from his seat, making the situation all the clearer for Levi.

“Coach Greg is here?” Of course, he’d be here. He’s recruiting.

He didn’t look like he was successful at recruiting though. From his spot towards the middle of the bleachers, Levi could see the way Mikasa shook her head, the way she had given the most apologetic smile and the way she walked back to the bench where her other teammates were, looking completely unbothered by that rejection.

He’s recruiting Mikasa? Levi thought.

In reply, Coach Greg looked back at the bleachers. He caught Levi’s gaze almost instantly as if he had known Levi would have been there the whole time. Levi had trained with him enough to know what he wanted just by the expression on his face.

“Levi, where are you going? The men’s jump event is about to start.”

It had been months since he trained with him, but years of old habits were still hard to break. Before Levi even noticed it himself, he had scrambled onto his feet and maneuvered through the crowd in the bleachers.

*******

“I saw you enter the venue mid match. Honestly happy to see you watching tournaments again and I’m sure a lot of the fans are happy to see you too.”

If by happy, you mean gossiping. “Jumping is hard to completely give up,” Levi replied.

The two had settled on a bench, only a few meters away from the emptiest bleachers. The screams and cheers were still audible and sometimes, comprehensible. But there was still enough peace and quiet to manage a fair conversation.

“How’s your knee?”

“I’m sure you’ve talked to Erwin about it already.”

Greg grinned sheepishly at it. He dropped his shoulders with a sigh. “I was hoping he would have given you a better prognosis. He told me you were gone from jumping for good… I just thought…”

“My last season is over. You’re already preparing for regionals and I can still barely walk,” Levi said as he gave a pointed look at the crutches he leaned on the side of the bench.

“With physical therapy…”

“I can barely walk right now because of physical therapy. We were going too fast.”

“So anything after college might be impossible huh?”

“I’m taking this one step at a time. It was a painful experience. And with the extent of it, Erwin had told me multiple times even post surgery, it might never return to pre injury state. With the competitiveness of the high jumping scene… my height… I feel like these were all just signs to just move on from it all.”

Greg dropped his shoulders and shook his head. “You were something else though. I didn’t think someone of your height could have dominated the high jump. It was like your body knew the exact moments to get you through the bar every time. As if it was completely used to being mid air.”

“Maybe my body is just used to flying,” Levi said. “Maybe I was born and built for these types of sports. But I'm sure you're aware, no matter how inclined someone is to sports, careers don’t last forever. We all have expiry dates. And mine was just a lot earlier than others.”

“But you could have made the Olympics with your numbers.”

“But the accident happened and I don’t think I’ll ever achieve those numbers again,” Levi said matter-of-factly, so realistically it hurt even when Levi was sure he had long gotten over it.

“So, what are you focusing on now?” Greg asked, an attempt at digression.

“Studies, submitting my thesis, passing my last few classes…”

“Maybe when studies die down a bit, you can visit every now and then. After winter break is over, maybe you could even help get the new recruits up to speed.”

Levi raised one eyebrow at Greg. “You have one in mind?” Mikasa Ackerman?

“Mikasa Ackerman.” As if Greg had read his mind, he had repeated those same exact words with the exact same tone Levi had heard it in his head. “Are you two related?” he asked.

“Maybe.”

“With the way you’re saying that, I'm guessing not close enough to talk to her.”

“Talk to her about what?” Levi asked.

“About considering Paradis University. She has that type of talent that only comes once every five years.”

“But if she’s committed to another university…”

“She’s not. In fact, she told me herself, she might not even go to university.”

“Why not?”

“She told me there was someone she didn’t wanna leave behind. You think you might know something about that?”

An all too familiar turn of events. Levi’s answer to his coach’s question had been a resounding yes. But he wasn’t telling him about that yet. ‘I’ll try to talk to her. Then I’ll see what I can do.”

The conversation ended soon after that with a quick promise to keep in touch. His coach hurriedly got back to the tournament and Levi found himself alone on the bench once again.

His knees ached, his arms were stiff from all the walking. And he decided for himself that a men’s jump event would not be worth the struggle of hobbling back to the bleachers.

*******

“There you are!”

Levi only had a few minutes of peace and quiet before it was interrupted by the familiar brunette who settled next to him on the bench. It had interrupted whatever trance he had gotten himself into. Either way, it was still a welcome sight. “You’re not watching?”

“I thought you went to the toilet or something but when you didn’t come back… I kinda realized you might have left because you didn’t wanna watch so I got worried. You wanna go back home?”

“I’m tired. So honestly, yes.” Levi shrugged his shoulders and did some test stretches. His body was aching from having maneuvered in crutches the whole afternoon. He could have sworn, he had reached well more than a thousand steps just walking the university, enough to expect an admonishing stare from either Erwin or his physical therapist.

“Well, we should be going back. We have to do some last minute packing since tomorrow is our last day.”

“Wait, before we leave. I was hoping to get some lead on Mikasa. I wanted to talk to her. Maybe after final exams or something.”

Hange gave him a cheeky grin. She held out her phone in an exaggerated manner. “That’s done already.”

“You got their contact details?”

“I had a pretty pleasant conversation with Armin, Jean and Eren, enough at least to get them to wanna keep in touch.”

“Keep in touch about what?”

“Thesis maybe? Future career prospects?”

“You’re meeting with a bunch of high school students?”

“Armin applied to Paradis University so there’s a lot to talk about and he said he could help out with my thesis. Besides, weren’t you the one who said you wanted to talk to Mikasa?”

“I’m doing my coach a favor.” Levi said, emphasizing those last words a little too much, he started to feel a little ridiculous a second later.

Hange raised one eyebrow in disbelief, only making Levi further regret attempting such a ridiculous lie. A smile played at Hange’s lips. “You know, I’m glad to see you’re reconnecting with your team again.”

Levi returned that smile with his own. “Well, I’m glad to see you’re reconnecting with your thesis again.”

*******

“I talked to the dorm. Scholars can get a good bed space for a cheap price, or maybe even free. You just have to sort out the paperwork, get some paperwork signed by your professor then the scholarship office. After that, we wait for approval. So, in the meantime, you could stay in a motel or something.``

“That’s the plan,” Hange said, her tone a mixture of despondence and exhaustion. Not too surprisingly, she was lugging boxes, lining them towards the entrance of the room as they spoke. “My parents are gonna pick up a lot of these boxes, probably put them in storage back home. And this…” Hange drops a purple suitcase in front of him. “Is all I’m bringing.”

“You’re serious about this huh?”

“Were you doubting it?”

Levi sat and stared at the luggage, his expression unchanging. “This just seems like a huge change.”

“This happens with everyone else anyway. I’m a senior in college. I’ll find a job, take out a loan then rent some cheap studio apartment just outside the city.”

“Studio apartments aren’t cheap, even if they are outside the city. Would you be able to afford that with the entry level income of one person?” Somehow, a part of Levi was still hoping Hange would make amends with her parents. Despite her having proven multiple times she was sure with her decision. She seemed happier then, more confident, more free. But at what cost?

“Then I’ll get a roommate,” Hange said.

“That’s a reasonable plan.” Levi said. “Well first things first. Fix those dorm papers, finish your thesis.”

“Thanks for the help Levi. Really, it means a lot.” From the firm determination of a while ago, Hange’s gaze softened to something else, something Levi had sworn he had only seen long ago, in another lifetime.

“You’ve done a lot for me too,” Levi said.

“You won’t be much help now since I’ll just be lugging boxes so feel free to just write or something until we’re ready to leave. Or you know, you could go ahead to your dorm. I’ll just contact you if I need to.”

“No, I’d rather stay.” Levi looked back at his laptop and opened his document. He had written a few words the night before as soon as they had arrived home.

Armin Arlert. Jean Kirstein. Eren Jaeger. Mikasa Ackerman. Connie Springer. Sasha Braus. Historia Reiss. The names had worked magic on the draft. With the names where they needed them to be, the story became more vivid than he had expected. He lost count of the amount of words he had written the night before, but he was sure he had added at least five pages.

And his head throbbed at that moment as he scanned through the file, reminding him of how much sleep he had sacrificed to get it written. At the least, he had managed to understand what had gotten them to the point in the woods, he understood why it had been he and Hange of all people who stuck together.

They cared about the younger soldiers for sure. But they had been the only two veterans remaining.

And what did you ask me back then? Levi asked silently as he watched Hange move the boxes one by one, lining them along walls from one corner all the way until the entrance.

Hange looked as if she were in a trance. But if their eyes had met at that moment as he thought of the question, would she have read his face, would she have known what he was asking then? Probably not. But Hange was perceptive and she had made some good guesses on his thoughts a few times already.

Maybe we should just live here together? Right, Levi? Levi wrote those words, somewhere at the bottom of the page, under descriptions of trees, stars and a glowing campfire. He wrote under it descriptions of the pain of fresh stitches, half opened wounds and the beginnings of a fever.

“You know, Hange. There was a war. This anti military faction took over, and we ran away to the woods and ----”

“Don’t tell me!” Hange interrupted. She dropped one box on to the wall, much harder than usual. “I haven’t reached that part. I wanna enjoy your story.”

“Sorry.”

Hange approached him and sat next to him on the wall by the window. Her voice was much softer as she spoke up again. “No need to apologize. I just wanna be in the best mood when I read it. Maybe I’ll catch up after final exams before winter break,” Hange said. “Besides last time I checked all you had were unfinished sentences and bullet points.”

“It’ll be finished way before then.” Even as he spoke, he was typing and Levi found himself marveling at his own ability to keep two conversations at once.

“Really? Don’t you have studies to deal with?”

“I know how it’s gonna end already.”

Hange gave a hum of approval. “Then I’ll hold your word to it. I look forward to reading it then.”

If we keep running and hiding, what will that get us… I know you’re not able to stay out of the action.

Levi had ended up writing those last few lines to the disturbed rhythm of the thumps as boxes were dropped one on top of the other.

Yeah. That’s right. I can’t. He capped off that final paragraph with Hange’s one final response. Even fully wide awake with the afternoon sun illuminating the well ventilated condominium, even with the sound of the traffic down below only made louder by the windows left open, Levi still saw her, so vividly as if she were a dream. He memorized her face then, everything from the way her brow knitted, her forehead puckered. The way her glossy eyes showed nothing but a faded glimmer.

Yet it was a glimmer and in that, Levi saw desire. A desire for something else.

And then what happened? It couldn’t have ended there. He had filled in many of the gaps himself already. He had already found the missing pieces and pushed them into place. The story had ended so anticlimactically though and Levi found himself scraping the recesses of his mind for anything he may have missed, a futile attempt.

And maybe it was futile because Hange had interrupted him a second later. She had his two plump overnight bags slung over her one shoulder. She turned her chin slightly towards the entrance. “Let’s go.”

Levi pulled himself up from the window sill. “Give me one of my bags. You shouldn’t be carrying all that.”

“You shouldn’t be carrying all this,” Hange argued, looking pointedly at his leg. “Let’s go.” She went ahead, not looking back. Along the way, she had stopped, gesturing for Levi to make the distance towards the door and out into the hallway.

Levi looked back at her to see she was still standing at the entrance leaning on the door frame, leaving one hand on the open door swung inward. She made no movement, no explicit intention to leave just yet. He felt no need to hurry her either. Moving out was no easy task after all.

“I know you don’t like messes Levi ” Hange spoke up, her voice once again the lifeless drawl that never failed to hurt Levi even a bit.

“Really?” It was obvious, Levi had acknowledged that he had hated it. But he never remembered explicitly telling Hange about it. He was lodging in her place for free after all.

“You wrinkle your nose every time I leave something lying around. And you don’t think I noticed the way things magically cleaned themselves while I was away?”

“If you don’t want to, I won’t. I’m sorry about that.”

“No, I appreciate it. I think you did a lot of good for my space. Honestly, I’m more sorry that I couldn’t provide you anything cleaner…” Hange trailed off. It seemed like she was ready to say more. She looked back at him and took a deep breath, opened her mouth but stopped herself midway. ”And for a while I was a bit self conscious about it but I think I get it now.”

“Get what?

“I get now why I like messes and clutter. And I guess I just wanna point it out now, so maybe you’d understand?” Hange moved away from the doorway and out into the hallway. “Look, it’s clean.”

It was easy for Levi to put the scene of her condominium from a few months ago and the scene in front of him side by side in his mind. There were too many things he could have pointed out at once though. The room in front of him then, was much larger and more spacious than Levi could have ever imagined, especially with the boxes all lined up towards the wall. It was immaculate, any other day he could have used the picture of the room as a blank slate, something to calm him in between stressful situations.

But side by side with the room from weeks ago, hell back to the room months ago before he had started to stain it with his own brand of cleanliness, Levi wasn’t thinking of words like clean or immaculate.

It feels lifeless. But he wasn’t telling her that. Not just yet, when the fastidious side of him was still trying to process such an opinion borne out of his cleanliness-loving mind.

It was as if Hange was giving him no time to process though. “Do you get it though? Why I like my rooms with a little clutter?”

Levi gave up on processing, instead submitting to whatever tirade was coming out of Hange then.

And she was getting a little more emotional and a little more attached as she spoke. Because when everything's scattered everywhere, I always feel like I’ll have to fix it soon right? And when I have to fix it, I’m reminded that I’ll be coming back. But now…”

Levi jumped at the crack in her voice. He went forward and closed it, and it had felt like ripping off a band-aid. “Let’s go Hange.”

“I don’t have anything to return to now. It’s gonna be dorm and motel hopping until I get a job and can afford to find a new place,” Hange continued.

The two walked towards the elevators. Hange had kept her strides so slow and steady it had been a little too easy for Levi to catch up. With that, he had a little more time and space to reflect, come up with something more comforting than ripping of a band aid.

That part was easy at least. “You don’t have to have anywhere to return to.” Levi spoke up. “I think, what’s important is that people have someone to return to...”

“‘Someones’ like that are hard to find.” Hange looked at him. Then, Levi had a good view of her, her eyes glistened with what looked like unshed tears, the lines under eyes only told of pent up exhaustion, an all too familiar expression, almost a reflection of Hange that night in the woods.

It had been too easy to assume he had heard those same words as she looked at him expectantly then.

Maybe we should just live here together? Right, Levi?

But that wasn’t the time for a yes nor was it a time to echo the invitation or the words she had mentioned right there in the forest. It wasn’t a time either to tell Hange what had happened in the woods many a lifetime before.

But Levi still spoke up, his own reply tweaked for that situation alone. If he had been any more aware, any more hesitant, he would have pulled back, discouraged already by the many other arguments his mind was able to conjure.

She doesn’t remember about that time in the woods.

She’ll think you’re crazy.

Aren’t you comfortable with where you are already?

He clocked it then as a risk. A risk he was still very much willing to take. It came out of him as something spontaneous, as an explosion inside him raring to go out despite all the doubts glomping down on him.

It had been powered by something, that was for sure. But was it frustration? Regret?

“You know Hange, if you don't want me to, I won't leave. I’d gladly stay here by your side. ”

He didn’t think too much of the motivation though, what mattered was that it did come out. And in its own way, it had left him a little lighter, and maybe a little relieved.

*******

“So what happened after?” Shela asked soon after she had scrawled another few words on her clipboard.

Levi shrugged. “That’s it. That’s how the story ended.”

“Really? With a half confession in the woods? You didn’t even say yes.”

Levi had spent the past week since they moved out of the condominium trying to write in between fixing paper work for Hange’s move to the dorm, cramming school assignments and studying for finals that was looming in the month ahead. He would have loved to blame his inability to write on his shitty schedule.

But I had more than enough time to write. He had at least an hour a night to write before bed. On good days, that had been more than enough to get something written.

“Is school getting busy? Physical therapy?”

“No.”

“Then why can’t you write a more satisfying ending.”

“That’s how it ended.”

“With a half baked confession?”

“Captain Levi was suffering from wounds after an explosion. It’s a miracle he even lasted that long.”

“So you think he died?”

“Maybe.”

Shela looked out the window, her expression unreadable. “What if you two did run away to the forest?”

“That would have been a nice ending.”

“Then why not make that the ending?”

“Because that didn’t happen.”

Shela shook her head in disbelief. “This doesn’t seem believable to me. Please try to continue writing.” She turned his laptop back to him and Levi found himself blankly staring at the open google document.

And the more he stared, feeling Shela’s observing eyes boring into him as he did, the more he realized how ridiculous that last sentence was.

I know you’re not able to stay out of the action.

It sounded like the awkward dialogue that preceded a horribly placed commercial break or ad, something Levi would have scoffed at as any other viewer or reader.

“But it’s not like I’m sharing this to anyone else,” Levi said.

“You’re sharing it to me and I’m not satisfied. There should be more to this.”

Levi looked up at Shela and back at the document a few times before deciding on his next plan of action. Shela’s glare was uncompromising and she didn’t look like she would take no for an answer. The document in front of him though, that tiny blinking cursor on the screen was calling to him, the bottom part of the page was blank.

And maybe there was something, albeit little, that can be done flogging a horse that was just almost dead. There were still a few more lines of dialogue that made its way to the pages and Levi was surprised he had enough of that clearly etched in his mind for it to so easily flow into the pages in front of him.

Shoot or listen. It’s up to you.

The last few lines had all been dialogue. But as he turned the laptop back to Shela, the latter seemed at least willing to accept that. “This still looks a little too abrupt...” she commented “ You sure this is how it ends?”

“Captain Levi could have gotten shot. Maybe he died.”

Shela dropped her shoulders in defeat. “Progress is still progress. Do me a favor and please think long and hard about what happens next.”

“I really think it ended with the conversation in the forest.” Levi turned the laptop back to himself, closed the window and shut down his laptop. “But I can try to get something else written out… Maybe a few more scenes?”

“Don’t try." Shela gave Levi a knowing look. “I want you to do it.”

And that look bore holes into him, Levi could have sworn she was a mind reader with the way she followed the laptop with her eyes as he placed it back into his bag. He wouldn’t have been too surprised if she could tell the contents just by looking through the hardware.

Levi had to admit though, what Shela was suspecting, was right. There was more to the story and these scenes nagged at him from the deepest pits of his mind, pleading for their own time to let loose.

They were terrifying though. They were unsettling and Levi was in no position to entertain them.

Not just yet.

Or maybe he never would. Maybe he would be happy never entertaining them again.

So maybe captain Levi died? Maybe they ran away in the woods? There were questions that had been echoed by Shela, questions that had been so easily answered by dreams that he had forced himself to forget soon after he woke up.

The complex emotions though, were very much answerable with a simple question, a simple explanation that Levi was in no obligation to expound on.

“But… Endings don’t have to be satisfying right? What if I just don’t wanna write anymore?”

[allie1804-fan]

New Beginnings (Chapter 10)

1  2 3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12

New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

Warnings: Mentions of babyloss

Emily sat at an outside table at the Jinya Ramen bar, waiting for Keanu to join her for lunch. Afterwards they would have an appointment with the counsellor. She stretched her legs out, resting her hand on her large bump  - she was now 33 weeks along.

She sipped on a mineral water and sighed, reflecting on the last 4 months, wondering how it had come to pass that this appointment felt like it was going to be more geared to relationship counselling than to helping them cope with the trauma of their difficult journey to and through pregnancy.

She had felt so happy after the 12 week scan.  After they’d made love again for the first time since finding out they were pregnant, their sex life had got back to pretty much normal though he was always that bit more gentle with her than before.  He had seemed more relaxed and confident too. He’d come to the first appointment with the midwife where they were able to hear the heartbeat  - he was as thrilled as her to hear the rapid sound, kind of like a galloping horse, through the doppler machine.

For the next few weeks after that, at the weekly check in he’d try to be there but if he couldn’t, she would ring him or record the sound if he couldn’t break out from what he was doing. They had both felt so tempted to buy a doppler machine to monitor the heartbeat at home but decided that might mean she’d just be wired up to it 24/7 and the midwife cautioned against it since finding the heartbeat could sometimes be tricky and that would only cause unwarranted anxiety.

Not long after that was when the press had found out - was that when things had started to change she mused? By 16 weeks, so few of her clothes still fit that she had  decided to go on a shopping trip  with Chloe as she didn’t want to order everything online and she loved clothes shopping with Chloe.

They weren’t trying to be conspicuous but they’d gone somewhere quite fancy for lunch and a paparazzo had seen them there and followed them to a store afterwards, taking long range shots of them through the window in the maternity section of one store. With her growing bump on show there was no hiding now and the news got out. They themselves hadn’t participated particularly – Cheryl had just released a brief statement  confirming the pregnancy and “the following summer” as the due date. Her Fellow writers from the show she was working on had congratulated her at work and her and Keanu’s phones were constantly bleeping  for a few days with congratulations messages. Cheryl fended off numerous interview requests as neither of them felt ready nor that it should really be public business.

Each subsequent milestone had passed without a problem for the next 3 months.  At 20 weeks the baby was healthy and on track developmentally. They decided to wait until it was born to find out the sex. Why spoil one of life’s only remaining surprises just because you could?

Probably the biggest thrill so far was when she’d felt the baby move for the first time – it was at around At 22 weeks and had felt like flutters of a butterfly’s wings or bubbles of gas in her tummy. A couple of weeks later it was what they had termed “somersault city” when at last he could feel it too. The weird feeling of the baby turning inside was so dramatic it had woken her up in the early hours and she’d woken him to share it, certain that it could be felt by him now too. His favourite thing after that was to sit on a chair when she had a bath and watch her belly wriggle as she lay in the warm water. And throughout the pregnancy, even during these recent rockier times, he’d continued to talk to the baby every day, loving how he got a reaction each time.

She first remembered Keanu seeming a little down and distracted at around 28 weeks. They had made a trip to a store to look at furniture and equipment for the nursery. She’d been contented to browse different styles of crib, nursing chairs and changing stations but he’d wanted to make quick decisions. She didn’t know if it was because he’d been recognised a couple of times outside in the mall or something else. Then once they’d made decisions, they’d almost had a row in the shop when the store assistant had asked for delivery details. She assumed it could all  be delivered now while he said it could wait till when the baby had arrived or if not that long, could be stored at his mother’s home. She’d given in to the latter plan, determined to try and get on with setting up the nursery before too long  - she wanted things ready well in advance of delivery.

At 30 weeks, childbirth classes had started - there were some nice couples there who Emily thought might even become friends but Keanu was standoffish. If she didn’t know him, she’d have said he was being stuck up! Again she gave him the benefit of the doubt – maybe he was shy or nervous of them because they might be weird given his ‘celebrity’ status.

The next thing that had made her start to think about seeing the counsellor again had happened just the week before.  Keanu was due to do some press for a new film being released and Cheryl had come over to the house to talk to them together.  They needed to decide whether to talk about the baby at all and if he did what to say.  He’d very quickly cut off the conversation saying that he wanted Cheryl to inform all press that he only wanted to talk about the project or Arch. Emily had looked at him questioningly

“I just can’t” he’d said getting up and walking away out onto the patio.

Emily’s eyes had filled with tears. Cheryl saw and tried to reassure her

“I guess he knows he might get tongue tied or emotional and he’s on safe ground with the movie - and he wants the story to be the movie I guess”

Later that same week Keanu had met Autumn (an old friend and an old flame) for coffee  and a photo of him hugging her and kissing her on the cheek had been posted on an online gossip site along with snide comments about him cheating - Chloe shared it with Emily, feeling she shouldn’t be kept in the dark even if it was probably all nonsense. When Emily showed him, he said he’d just run into Autumn by chance when stopping for a coffee and  that she should know better than to read anything on such shitty websites.

Em had burst into tears at his harsh outburst. It was the last straw building on his recent sullen mood, his unwillingness to bring home the things for the baby’s room and reluctance to talk about it and her to the press.

“I’m sorry baby” he said putting his arm around her. I didn’t mean to snap, it’s just ……….. “

“Just what?” she sniffed

At his continuing silence, she made a decision

“Please can we go back to see the counsellor?, I feel like we’re drifting apart just when we should be the closest we’ve ever been”

Keanu’s shoulders slumped and he nodded. “OK I’ll set it up”

Emily looked up from her musings as Keanu greeted her, arriving from another press interview about the new film release

“Did it go OK?” she asked.

“Yup, it was fine. There seems to be positive buzz around it so fingers crossed. You OK?, you looked a million miles away when I arrived!”

“Did I?” she sighed “just thinking over the past few months, thinking about what the counsellor is going to ask”

He nodded, taking hold of her hand and leaning in to give her a kiss “you know I love you don’t you?”

Emily blushed hoping they weren’t drawing unwelcome attention with his public display of affection. It was unlike him to do something like that and it gave her a little reassurance.

“and how’s the munchkin?”

“Bit quieter today. It’s getting kind of tight for space in there I think”

She caught the trace of a shadow crossing Keanu’s face but then she yelped in surprise

“you OK?” he asked immediately

She burst out laughing

“Yes, I just got kicked right up here” she pointed quite high up by her rib-cage “I think they want to make their presence felt”

His grin was wide

“that’s my boy ……. or girl” he said happily “let’s eat”

Their meal was relaxed and Keanu seemed happier than he had in a few weeks.

At the counselling session she asked what had prompted the need to come back.

Emily was wondering where to begin when Keanu took a deep breath and spoke.

“It’s my fault” he began. “Even after everything we discussed before, about communicating our feelings and not believing that being positive can only lead to disaster, I’ve fallen back to my old ways”

“How so exactly?” she probed and he went onto explain directing his words to Emily more than the counsellor.

“I guess as things have gone on, instead of being more confident, I’m back to being shit scared ALL the time Em and I mean ALL the time and you’ve been so happy and excited, I didn’t want to spoil that with my dark thoughts. That’s why I didn’t want to bring home stuff for the nursery or talk to the press or make friends with other couples at the birthing class. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you”

He ran his hand through his hair in frustration with himself roughing it up as usual but his shoulders relaxed and it looked like a great weight had lifted off them now that he’d acknowledged his fears. Em reached out for his hand.

“I didn’t know what was bothering you and I didn’t ask either, I’m so sorry, this must be so hard on you after Ava”

“Have you talked to Emily about what happened with Ava Keanu?”

“Not really” he admitted “how would sharing that horror help?”

“Because then she can better understand why you feel the way you do. Talking about it won’t make it happen to this baby, remember. Denial and bottling up are not good coping mechanisms. Talking and being open are”

Later that night, as agreed in the session, they sat together on the sofa and Keanu had shared the details of the loss of Ava, starting with the frantic phone call to him on the set of “The Watcher” in New York after Jen had been told there was no heartbeat.

“God, she was just screaming and wailing down the phone, begging me to come home”

“God” was all Emily could say, the horror of it sinking in just a little.

“So I flew home straight away and on fucking Christmas Eve she had to deliver the baby naturally. You could hear the cries of other babies being born down the corridor but when Ava came out, all warm and beautiful it was just deafening silence”

“come  ‘ere” Em said pulling him down so he could lean his head in her lap  and let the tears out, great wracking sobs shaking his chest.

When he sat up he looked over at her, his expression wretched

“why? Why does it still hurt so much – it’s been fucking 21 years”

“it hurts because it was so awful and pain like that never goes away, you just cushion it and hide it I guess with the life and relationships that come after it”

“wow  that’s deep

“what can I say?” she said smiling “I am a writer you know “I’m supposed to understand the human condition – just sorry I didn’t use those skills to see what was going on with you”

“And  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just didn’t want you to get scared of losing this little one” he said stroking her belly.

“You can’t stop me being scared hun, I am scared and maybe a little more each day as we get closer. It still feels like it could get taken away but every time they give me a kick or jump on my bladder and stop me sleeping then I feel OK. Maybe that makes it easier for me as well as the fact I didn’t go through what you did.”

He hugged her close and they went to bed feeling so much better for sharing their hopes and fears.

1  2 3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12

New Beginnings Baby Drabble

New Beginnings Baby Drabble No2

[narnie3313]

Finally

Genre: Romance, Fluff, Little Spicy, Some Angst Rating: Everyone Warnings: Language

Setting: Y/N (your name) became friends with Kirishima in UA and when you all graduated he and Bakugou became roomates and Kirishima offered you the spare room so you live with them. Kirishima is your best friend, you’re all 21 and are still sidekicks for the time being. Bakugou mostly ignores you since you don’t need to interact too much anyway.

*******************************************************************************************

 This is my first fanfiction/imagine so enjoy....working on other stuff and improving as we speak :D

*******************************************************************************************

“Honeys! I’m home!” You recognize the voice instantly as Eiji comes bounding through the front door.

You can’t help but laugh at his endless energy and constant smile. “Dinner’ll be ready in 20!” you call. It was your turn to cook tonight since you all work on a rotation so you’d decided on a quick beef stirfry so you didn’t have to do much after the shitty day you’d had.

“Awesome! Thanks y/n!” You hear him call just before the click of his bedroom door closes. Same routine every night; Announce he’s home, quick workout in his room, shower, then he spends the rest of the night in the living room with me and Katsuki (if Kat isn’t a moody bitch that night…..). You’d gotten so used to the routines of your roommates that it was all just second nature now after living together for 3 years.

*

*

“Dinner’s ready, guys!”

Almost as if they’d been waiting behind their doors, both boys rooms open up and they come grab their bowls and move to the balcony. Another routine. Every night while you eat together, you sit on your balcony overlooking the city and talk about the jobs you did during the day.

“Seriously? I had a run in with a civilian the other day that carried a ‘wand’ around and pretended his quirk was soft puffs of air.” you said as Kiri almost fell off his chair laughing. Bakugou just sat staring over the city. Some days he’d talk and share tiny snippets of his day but today he seemed extra broody.

You always checked on both the boys at night to make sure they were ok since you know that they both bottle their emotions up so every night you’d knock on their doors, walk in and ask if they need to talk or if they’re good and usually you’ll just get a “I’m fine.” from Bakugou. Kiri on the other hand would almost always talk your ear off for at least half an hour and you’d hug him then head to bed.

When you noticed how quiet and indifferent Katsuki looked you noted “I’ll have to pull whatever is going on from him later.” You didn’t want it to disturb the dynamic at home anymore than he usually does anyway.

As you all finished eating, Eiji took the dishes and washed them while you settled in front of the tv to wind down. You laid on your stomach on the shaggy rug while Katsuki perched on the corner of the couch and when Eijirou finished with the dishes he took up the other corner. You wished you could say it was nice just sitting like this in the quiet but something just felt off. You and Kiri kept giving each other little glances and then looking to Katsuki, who was completely ignoring the tv and staring down the hallway towards the front door. “Hey man, you good?” Eijirou asked.

“What?” Katsuki replied turning his head abruptly towards the redhead. “I’m fine. I’m going to bed.”

“O-Oh ok. Night.” You could hear the concern in Eijis voice as you watched boomboy walk to his room, his regular tall, strong stance now hunched and slow. Something was definitely up. He was already home by the time you’d gotten home today but he had stayed in his room so you hadn’t seen or heard anything from him today.

“What do you think?” Breaking you out of your thoughts, Kiri asks.

“Something is up. But there’s no way he’ll actually talk to me about it anyway but I’ll still go ask like usual and I’ll meet you in your room? It’s getting pretty late anyway.”

With that, you stood from the floor and slowly walked to Bakugous door. You always had to take a breath and straighten yourself up before knocking.

You’d never let yourself be taken back by his brash words or personality, I think that’s why he’d just kind of learnt to co-exist with you in the apartment. He’d known he and Kirishima had needed a 3rd  roommate to help with the rent and you were just a logical choice. Over the years he’d gotten used to your presence and (you’d like to think) maybe even shared the same sort of respect for you as he did with Kiri.

*Knock Knock* “Bakugou, can I come in?”

“…..Do I ever have a choice?”

“Well, not really. I just knock so I don’t walk in on anything gross.” You say as you walk in with a chuckle. You instantly see him sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. His head raises slightly as you see his crimson eyes half heartedly glaring up at you slightly.

“What’s going on? Eiji and I can see something’s off. Wanna talk?” Same as you offer every single night. But something is different tonight. He doesn’t answer. He just drops his head back into his hands and you see his breathing hitch. You don’t know whether you should walk over and place a hand on his back or rub his head or hug him…. All of a sudden you see a drop on his carpet and you realize….He’s crying. Katsuki, fucking, Bakugou is actually crying. You know the world must have stopped because never in a million years would he have allowed anyone, except maybe Kiri see him in such a state. Which makes it all the more worrying.

“Sh-Should I go get Kirishima?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to go?”

“……No.”

With that you slowly walk over so you’re standing just to the side of him and place a hand on the top of his hunched back and sit next to him. Instantly feeling him loosen a little under your hand you rub a small circle.

“What happened?” You ask, watching his tears hit the ground.

“…..I lost someone.”

“What? Well that happens sometimes, Kat. People go missing a lot in our society. We can help you find them.”

“NO. I mean I LOST someone today, y/n.”

You suddenly realized the gravity of what he was saying. Someone died. He’s lost a civilian today. Suddenly you felt the need to pull him to you and just stroke his hair to help him. None of you had ever been so unlucky as to have someone die….well….not until today.

Before you could even think, your body was moving. Your hand that was on his back now wrapped around his shoulder and the other in his hair pulling his head down to your chest as you hold him tight. He doesn’t even fight you, but you feel his breathing getting more irregular and start to hear him sobbing and trying to hold it in. Taking a second to look around his room you only now start to notice the mess. Lamps, tables, pictures, posters…..all on the ground shattered and broken and torn. You realize he must have done this before you got home because you hadn’t heard anything. Looking around more and scanning over his bed, you notice the dark stains on his pillows. You feel your heart break knowing he must have been laying in here crying about this all while you were out there doing your own thing and cooking.

“Katsuki….I’m so sorry.” You know it doesn’t change anything. It won’t bring the person back or ease his pain. You feel so useless. You just hold him tighter, noticing his breaths starting to slow a bit, then feeling him leaning back into you slightly and you notice it…He’s fallen asleep. He must have exhausted himself with the rage and sadness. You can’t just leave him but what will he do if he wakes up in your arms tomorrow? Will he be angry at you for invading his space? None of that matters right now. He needs someone and he said no to you getting Kiri so what else are you meant to do….?

You lean back and try and shuffle up the bed slightly to try and get him as far onto the bed as you can but being as big as he is, it’s not an easy task. He stirs just as you give up and move one hand to the top of the bed to pull down his pillows under his back and your head, all while still letting him lay over your heart and stroking his hair. Only now in the light of the city coming through the window can you see how red and swollen his eyes are. Then you notice the bruises on his arms. When he’d been out of his room he had a jacket on, you guess to hide the bruises…..?

As you feel yourself slowly drifting off to sleep, you can still feel the small hitches in his breath and you hope beyond hope that you can have a proper conversation about it tomorrow and help him. But for tonight, he just needs the comfort. So that’s what you’ll be.

*

*

You wake up unable to feel the arm that’s still under Bakugou. Neither of you had moved at all during the night, waking up in the exact same position, and you just know that you’re going to have hella body aches later on. You can see the blondes chest slowly rising and falling. He’s usually up well before sunrise so he must have really needed the sleep. You’re not game enough to move incase he wakes up so you carefully take your phone out of your pocket and see 3 messages from Kirishima.

Rockishima  

*11:34pm*

Hey everything ok?

 *12:24am*

Don’t tell me you’re sleeping with him for Christ sake hahaha

 *1:13am*

Ok please don’t kill me for the last message but seriously….you guys good?

 Goddammit Eijirou.

 *8:24am*

Jesus Kiri really?? No I didn’t sleep with him. Not in that way anyway. He passed out and I didn’t want to leave him alone. Something happened yesterday but I didn’t get much out of him before he fell asleep. I’ll try talk to him more today. Sorry I didn’t get to have our chat last night either.

 You put your phone down next to you and thank god that you have the day off because honestly…you wouldn’t be able to move Bakugou off you if you’d needed to. The years had definitely been kind to him. He was always in good shape but pushing himself to always be better only made him better. He had bulked up considerably and suddenly shot up and now stood at 6ft 2…..towering over you who stood only 5”3. He’d improved his quirk over the years as well. Now he could fire blasts further without his gauntlets, he could produce small, almost silent blast which helped on recon missions. You’d never expect someone as explosive as Bakugou to be good at gentle and quiet missions but he’d surprised you. You were friends with a couple of people from Best Jeanists agency from the years of missions, some of which required teaming up with different agencies and heros and sidekicks. You’d even had a few missions with Bakugou and Kirishima. How you got teamed up with them though, you didn’t know. Your quirk was only really helpful once most of the work was done. Everyone else would wear down the villains and distract them while you watched until you felt their bodies weaken then you could control their muscle structure, effectively rendering them immobile and docile, making it easy to capture them.

Rockishima 

*8:35am*

Shit. Ok let me know if you need me to come home. I’ve got a day of paperwork anyway to catch up on the captures of the week so not too busy.

   *8:36am*

All good. I’ll do what I can. See you later.

 You let out a sigh that must have been a little louder than you’d expected since you suddenly felt Katsuki shift against your side. You stiffened almost instantly hoping not to have accidently woken him if he needed the rest. You watch as his arm moves from being tucked at your side and is suddenly thrown over your waist. All of a sudden, there’s a hand grabbing your hip and pulling you so you’re front to front against Bakugou with his head still at your chest and he’s holding you there tight….You wonder how often he must do this with his pillows and cover your mouth as much as you can trying to muffle the giggle. You feel his head move slightly and you are acutely aware of just how close his head is to your breasts….so close you can feel his burning breath on your chest….

 It doesn’t feel like he’s waking up just yet so you will your body to relax a bit, only now noticing how you’d tensed up at his movements a moment ago. you can feel yourself slightly brushing your nose through his hair, which, despite being so damn spiky, is surprisingly soft….and smells amazing. Like a campfire….and fuel. Which makes sense considering his quirk.

You can feel yourself drifting back to sleep with the strong yet gentle grasp of his arm over your waist.

When you awake again you’re on the bed alone but tucked in with Bakugous blankets but aware of how much colder it is….What time is it? You look for your phone only to see it on the bedside table next to your head.

2 New Messages

Boomboy

*2:43pm*

Lunch is in the kitchen. Make the bed. Went for a run.

 Rockishima

*2:56pm*

Got an early mark so I’ll be home about 3:30. Did you get to talk to him?

 “3PM?! How did he get up before me?! Dammit!” You get out of the bed quickly and throw your phone in your pocket and head towards the door before remembering to make the bed. Of course he needs order you think rolling your eyes. Looking around the room again you decide to clean up the broken glass and paper and try and make the room a bit better for him to get back to. You head out and straight into the bathroom for a shower.

As you’re getting out and wrap the town around yourself you hear Kiri come in the door and yell for you.

“I’m in the bathroom Eiji!”

Suddenly you regret your choice in words, or rather your lack of words, because he swings the door open quickly without so much as a knock, the surprise almost causing you to drop your towel.

“JESUS KIRI! WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“AHHH SORRY!” He says walking out and closing the door as quickly as he’d opened it.”I just thought you’d be cleaning or something, you usually lock it! I just wanted to see if you’d spoken to Bakugou?”

“Ok.” you say opening the door and walking to your room. “1. I didn’t lock the door because I was home alone and 2. No I haven’t. I fell back asleep this morning and when I woke up I was tucked into his bed and he was gone with a message saying he’d gone for a run so I imagine he’ll be back shortly. Wait here while I get dressed.”

“Ok so what happened exactly?”

“I told you I don’t know. he just said he lost someone yesterday.”

“Ok? And? People go missing all the time and it sucks but it happens…?”

“That’s what I said too but he doesn’t mean like that Kiri.”

“What? No. You don’t mean….?”

You walk out dressed and just nodding your head as you see Kiri slump against the wall and throw his head back.

“Dammit. No wonder he was off. So what happened last….”

You both turn as you hear the front door open. “Don’t say anything to him. I don’t know if he wanted anyone to know.” you whisper to Kirishima as he nods.

“Hey man! Look like you pushed yourself pretty hard. You still up for training?” You watch as Bakugous head looks to Kirishima then gazes down past Kiri to your face and lingers for a second, and you could swear you see a tinge of pink on his cheeks. He jerks his head back to Kiri too fast for you to really see though.

“Let’s go.” Is all he says as he throws a dangerous glance to the redhead. You watch as they both exit and just before the door shuts, you could swear you catch Katsu staring at you.

 What the hell was that? you whisper to yourself as you start busying yourself around the apartment.

*

*

Through the noise of your headphones you hear the click of the front door and look up from the book you’re reading on your bed, having left the door open to see when the boys returned. You wait to see them walk past your door into the living areas or the bathroom but everything starts feeling as if it was moving in slow motion… First you see a large figure start to enter your door frame and immediately notice it’s not one of the boys. The guy spots you and extends his arm but before he could do anything you roll off your bed down the side and under the bed as you watch his feet walk around the other side you rolled off, you roll out the other side and run out of your bedroom, slamming the door behind you hoping to buy you some time.

You turn right towards the front door and run straight out into the corridor only to run head first into someone. You feel your heart sink as 2 large hands wrap around your biceps holding you still. You instantly kick at their shins and when you hear a loud “WHAT THE FUCK Y/N?!” only then do you decide to actually look at who you ran into. Bakugou….looking more than a little surprised and an equally shocked Kirishima right next to him.

“What the hell’s the matter?!” they say together.

All you can get out is, “There’s someone in the apartment!”

Before you can even finish your sentence both of the boys have dropped their gear and are at the front door. You stand on the opposite side of the corridor watching as they enter slowly, giving each other silent cues. They’ve always worked perfectly together. Like twins that can read each others minds. The years of training had only strengthened that and watching them move as one was truly fascinating. You stood, holding their gear, outside watching them sweep each room before Kirishima came back out and took the gear from you with a concerned look as he spoke;

“We checked each room. There’s no one there.”

“Are you sure you didn’t just see something?” Bakugou said in his usual brash tone as he came towards the front door.

“Yes you condescending prick. I know what I saw. There was someone there. I heard the front door click and I just thought it was you guys home so I sat up on my bed thinking I’d see you guys walk past, then there was a guy in my doorway and he started reaching his arm up at me so I rolled off the bed and under and out the other side and ran. Then obviously ran into you out here.”

You could see Bakugous face change from his regular scowl to something like confusion as he looked at Kirishima and shrugged. “Well there’s no one there now.”

“Ok fine.” Kirishima pulled you into a hug, taking note of the look of fear on your face. Facing villains everyday was normal for you but when it was in your own house. Your safe space….it made the experience feel different.

“I’ll start doing dinner. Boomyboy, take her and sweep the house again with her so she feels safe yeah?” Kirishima said as he started to walk inside.

Bakugou just looked at you with a look that you couldn’t really make out. Concern, maybe? But still, he obliged. He let you stay behind him as he walked into your room. Your first thought was under your bed or your closet so as you got down on your knees and saw nothing you felt a little better. as you walked towards the closet, you felt sick in your stomach though and brushed it off as just nerves. How wrong you were.

The moment you opened the closet door something, or someone, fell into you and before you could even react, Bakugou had knocked the guy into the opposite wall as you saw the explosion from his palm. Kirishima appeared at the door suddenly hearing the commotion and when our eyes left the intruder for a second to look at Eiji, the intruder was gone again.

Kirishima rushed to crouch next to me then looked at Bakugou, whos eyes where stuck on the slight dent where the intruder had hit the wall, then looked at you and rushed to you.

“Y/n, what happened?” Kiri asked. Bakugous eyes never leaving the spot on the wall.

“I-I don’t know. I went to check the closet…and someone fell into me. Bakugou blasted him over the other side.” You say looking at Bakugou who hadn’t moved nor looked away, but you noticed he was shaking.

“Dude, you ok??

“Kiri….I think he’s in shock. Look at him….” You say.

Kirishima stays in place where he is as if he doesn’t know what to do as you slowly, as if approaching a wild dog, get to your feet and take slow, soft steps towards Bakugou. Reaching out a hand touching his shoulder, you step in front of him to see his eyes completely lost.

“Katsuki. Look at me.” You say cupping his cheeks to make him shift his gaze. “It’s ok. No one was hurt. What’s wrong?”

You watch as his eyes slowly move to yours and a mix of tears, confusion and anger start to burn in his irises. “Th-That was the person who died yesterday. I saw them die. I….I wasn’t fast enough. The building dropped. He was crushed….H-How?”

You and Kirishima share a glance, not knowing how to proceed, so you just hug him, only to find him gently grab your shoulders and push away, never breaking eye contact.

“How did he get in here? Where did he go? It’s like he is materializing in different spots because I checked the closet and he wasn’t there.” Kirishima says, standing next to Bakugou.

“Maybe it’s a quirk? Maybe he didn’t die. Maybe he got out Kat.” You say, your eyes never leaving his.

“I-If he got out then….that means….he wasn’t a civ.” He says shaking his head. You and Kirishima give each other a glance, knowing that you have to try and get more of the story out of him. You take Bakugous arm and sit on the end of your bed with him while Kirishima crouches in front of Katsu.

“Tell us what happened.” Kirishima says to Bakugou simply.

Bakugous eyes trail down to the ground as he grips his knees with a bruising strength.

“We were just out on patrol and saw a building on fire. Didn’t think too much of it but as we got closer to investigate…” His breath hitches and you can see him tense, “As we got closer, we saw people inside and saw that the building supports were gonna come down. We ran in and got, what we thought was, everyone out. Did what we were meant to do, waited outside for the emergency services but I turned around to scout out the building and make sure there was no one around….and….” You could see the way his eyes darted around behind his closed eye lids and knew that it must have really gotten to him. For Bakugou to be this shaken….”…and I saw someone inside the flames. I didn’t even think before I moved…I was just back inside the building with the flames around me and I couldn’t see the person anymore so I yelled out and heard something behind me so I turned around and I saw him. It was a man that looked like he was in slow motion and he raised an arm like he was reaching for me….but before I could get to him…a support fell on him and I tried to get to him but too much of the floor dropped on him and I couldn’t do anything. The next thing I knew, I was back at the agency being sent home due to shock.”

“Di-Did they find any bodies in the rubble?” You asked.

“I don’t know. I haven’t asked.”

“Maybe he didn’t die? Might be a teleportation quirk?” Kirishima says as he stands up.

“Doesn’t explain why he was here though. If he survived. Or why y/n heard the front door. Or why he was sat in a closet?”

“True. Call Jeanist and see if he can tell you if they found bodies in the rubble? At least with that answer you’ll know if it’s either the same person…or maybe a shapeshift quirk.” you say to Bakugou.

“I’m going to do dinner. We all need to eat.” Kirishima says, already out the door.

Bakugous eyes stay glued to the floor.

“Everything will be ok. We’ll sort this out.”

“How the fuck do you know that? Yesterday I thought someone had died on my watch, now today their haunting me?” Bakugou says in his blunt tone.

“Not to make this about me, but it kinda seems like whatever or whoever it is, is after me?” You say with a small giggle, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

Bakugous eyes were suddenly on you and there was no mistaking the emotion radiating from him this time. Fear.

“Hey, cool it. We face worse than this everyday. We’ve got this.”

His eyes were just stuck to yours. You could see he was playing over every single scenario in his head and could watch the emotions on his face change. From fear to guilt to anger back to guilt.

“Hey, do you remember that time we all sat in that shitty little car park late at night, eating those disgusting chips from the petrol station with the broken sign?” You ask. Hoping to distract him.

He looks at you with an expression you can’t read. “Um, yeah. Why?”

“That was the first time I heard you laugh, you know that? Also the first time I ever saw you smile.” You say, a little embarrassed but that feeling is quickly replaced with accomplishment when he looks straight into your eyes and you can see the corner of his lip twitch up a little.

“Wow…you in love with me or something, huh?”

“Hey, not gonna lie. I had a massive crush on you in the last year of school, but who didn’t?” You say rolling your eyes with a giggle.

Bakugou looks at you with a strange expression and his eyes start to dart around your features.

“Did have? Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Well, you’ve never been the most approachable guy Katsuki.”

“Better than letting people take advantage of me.” He says dropping his head for a second, then looking back at you. “Remember any other weird little facts like that?”

“Oh, um….a couple,” You say with a little blush, and it does not go unnoticed. “I remember that I was the person the teachers trusted enough to let you out of the restraints after the sports festival our first year since I could subdue you a bit.” You say with a chuckle. “I remember the first day we went driving with Kirishima. You were holding the door so tight your knuckles turned white because you were so scared of his driving.” This one you break out into an all out laugh. Bakugou follows you and laughs as well.

“Oh yeah? I seem to remember your nails ripped the shoulder of our seats you were holding so tight too.” He said laughing harder.

“Hey! We both know that bastard doesn’t pay enough attention to the road! Can you blame me?”

Bakugou just kept his eyes on you as your head settles back to watching him. Before you could move or gather your thoughts or even think of another memory, one of his hands were on the back of your neck into your hair and the other was on your waist as he pulled you closer and his lips were on yours. You couldn’t help but look at him in shock as he kissed you.

Bakugou was kissing you. HE kissed YOU. You had dreamt of this moment. You’d never gotten over your feelings for him, just hidden them so as not to conflict with the living conditions or the friendship you’d built with him or Kirishima. But here, in this moment, you didn’t think about that. Instead, couldn’t help but surrender to him, closing your eyes and taking in his scent. The smell of fire was even stronger since he’d just finished a workout. Your hands found their home in his hair, gently grasping onto him to remind yourself this was actually real. When he noticed you soften to him, he leaned into you slightly as his tongue flicked across your lip, as if asking for entry to your mouth. You opened your lips slightly and he didn’t miss a second. He was gentle. Like he was testing the waters to see what you’d allow him to do.

 “Dinner’s ready guys!”

And just like that, he pulled back in shock and you were left leaning forward with his hands not leaving your body but his head directed to the door.

“Coming!” Bakugou yelled back. He turned his head and rested his forehead on yours and looking softly into your eyes, “Are you ok?”

Were you? It felt like with just that touch of his lips that he had pulled all the air from your body. You’d kissed people before and it had never felt like that. So why….

Before you could think too much, Bakugou stood up with your hand in his, kissed you on the cheek and walked led you to the door before dropping your hand and walking to the kitchen.

The whole time you were eating he would keep glancing at you. The same while you did the dishes. The same while you took up your spot on the shaggy rug to watch tv. You were tense….but not in a scared way….tense because you didn’t know what that kiss meant…or if it meant anything for that matter. But why would he kiss you? Why would he be that soft? You’d seen Katsuki with women before. He was rough. Just like his attitude. He was dominating.

You couldn’t bring yourself to focus on the show or anything else.

“Alright, I’m going to bed. We’ve all got the day off tomorrow, yeah?” Kiri said, standing to head to his room.

“Yeah, I’m not back till Thursday next week.” Bakugou followed up.

“Um, y-yeah I’m off tomorrow and back on Monday.” You answer looking over your shoulder to give him a gentle smile goodnight.

“Cool. Go out for breakfast?”

You and Bakugou nod as Kirishima heads down the hall and you watch as his door closes. As you go to turn your head back to the tv, you notice Bakugou looking directly at you with a look on his face you can’t really make out in the city light. You start to feel nervous about what he could be thinking. Without warning, you stand up and walk out to the balcony and lean on the railing hoping the fresh air will clear your thoughts.

 Not long after you drop your head to look at all the lights of the city, you hear the glass sliding door open and without looking you know its Kat. You know this is going to be an awkward conversation so you psych yourself up to say the first word. He kissed you. He made this situation awkward so you’ll be damned if you’re going to have this talk on his terms, you reason. Ok. We kissed. We’re both adults, it meant nothing. We’re friends. We can move forward without it being wei……………rd……

All your thoughts leave your mind when you feel two large hands rest on your hips and his body press flush against your back. What is he doing….You feel his head drop down to your neck as his hot breath brushes your skin as he presses a kiss to the skin just behind your ear. You feel your whole body and insides just melt. NO. You’re not a school girl! You need to talk about this!

You turn quickly hoping to surprise him and break him out of whatever trance he’s in. “Stop.” You say with shaky breath. But he doesn’t move, and you’re aware of just how close he is to you and your lips.

“W-we need to talk about this…and the kiss….before….” You freeze….knowing that adding the ‘before’ part is implying there is something more coming….Your cheeks turn bright red at the thought of you….and Kat…..together.

“What is there to talk about?” He says standing up and putting a little more distance between your faces.

“W-Well, we’re both adults…” “Mhm…” “And you kissed me…and we’re friends…” “Mhm…” “I’m sure we can just forget about it and pretend it didn’t happen….nothing has to change…I guess.” You can feel your voice break at the last few words even though you’re trying to hold yourself as strong as possible. His eyes stare right through you and you swear you can feel a beam of heat from his eyes into yours. His…gorgeous…shining….red….eyes….Dammit y/n you are not 18 anymore!

“And if I don’t want to forget the kiss?” he says as confident as ever. How did he go from stressing out earlier to this?!

“Well….wa-wait…what?”

He grabs your chin with his hand and tilts your head up to look at him. “Do YOU want to forget the kiss?”

“I-I…..No….But,”

“No buts. Yes or no. Because if you do, I’ll walk away right now and go to bed and pretend none of this ever happened, but if you don’t…..”

“’Suki…..”

His eyes slightly widen and you can see he likes the pet name you’ve never used before since you thought he’s berate you for it being all cutesy….

“Say it again” He says as he leans in and presses another kiss to just under your ear. “If you don’t want this, princess, you need to push me away. Now.”

You rest one hand on the railing and the other on his chest but don’t push. Everything in your mind is screaming at you to push him away. Don’t let this go further. Don’t take this risk. But your body is begging to pull him closer. To feel the heat of his body on yours.

Your body wins. He’s placing slow, gentle kisses along your neck and shoulder as your hand finds his shirt and pulls him closer and that’s all he need to confirm what he needed. Within seconds, he placed a hand on your cheek and the other stays on your hip. Pressing a soft but yearning kiss to your lips. This time, he doesn’t ask for entry, your body just gives way instantly. When his lips leave yours, you feel the air pull from your body all over again. His kisses are slightly harder on your neck, mixed with bites.

“ …..’Sukiiii” You can’t help but let out a moan as his bites and kisses and licks getting harder. When he hears you whimper that little name he lets out a low growl from his chest and you know this night isn’t going to be all snuggles and kisses…..It was a long….long night.

[buckthegrump]

Lifeline - 12 (End)

Lifeline (n): a thing on which someone or something depends or which provides a means of escape from a difficult situation. 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Word Count: 2171

Warnings: fluff, character death,

A/n: i’m sorry

After their quasi date, Y/n almost always had a hand on Bucky. And he didn’t mind, not at all.

It was a rarity that they didn’t share a bed and even more rare when they weren’t entangled in each other when they woke the next morning. Over time, Y/n stopped needing the sound machine, yes she still turned it on because she liked the sounds of nature but it wasn’t a big deal when she forgot to turn it on. There even came the day when she no longer needed a light on.

She also no longer freaked out when people she trusted touched her or if someone accidentally brushed up against her.

Her therapy appointments lessened and as things got better Y/n kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. But then she got cleared to go back on missions as and when the missions didn’t end horribly wrong she started to let herself think that maybe the other shoe dropping would be less of a boot and more of a sandal.

* * *

“We never actually got that date,” Y/n whispered to Bucky one night as she traced shapes on his chest.

“We had that day in the meadow,” he said sleepily.

“That doesn’t count. I didn’t know it was happening.”

“Oh,” Bucky grumbled, “I guess we aren’t together yet since we haven’t gone on a date yet and I, as you know, am an old fashioned gal. You need to at least take me on a date before you seduce me into your bed.”

Bucky started to get up before Y/n pushed him back down.

“Very funny.” Y/n snuggled back into him. “But I want to go on a real date I mean the last date we had planned didn’t even happen because I was kidnapped.”

Bucky hummed. “So what do you suggest we do?”

“Well, tomorrow after our mission, let’s go on a date,” Y/n lifted her head to look at his face.

“What if it doesn’t go well?”

“We’ll go anyway.”

Bucky looked at her for a moment.

“Yeah ok,” he agreed, “but this time we’re going to the restaurant together. None of that meeting there bullshit.”

Y/n chuckled. “Sounds good to me.”

* * *

Y/n was sitting in the jet looking over the scans they had of the building. There were tiny dots that represented everyone on the team. They were going floor by floor trying to find the hostages.

She wasn’t upset that she was stuck in the jet this time, yes she liked being in the action but everyone had their turn stuck at in the jet keeping an eye on things. She had been offering to do it more often since being taken but that was to be expected.

“Barnes,” Y/n spoke into the coms, “there’s a room at the end of the hall on the east side that has heat signatures coming from it.”

“Copy that.” Just a few moments later the sound of a door being kicked in came through the coms followed by a loud cough.

“You ok old man?” Tony asked.

“Yeah, the smell in here is just horrendous and good news,” Bucky said, “hostages have been located.”

“What’s your 20?” Sam asked.

“Sixth-floor south side,” Y/n answered before Bucky could.

“Alright let’s get these people and get out,” Sam ordered.

And they did.

On the jet ride back Bucky sat next to Y/n and drew patterns on her arm. Every once in awhile he’d let out a cough that was aggressive, to say the least.

“Are you ok?” Y/n would ask.

“Yeah I just feel like I have something in my throat,” then he’d smile at her, “I’m ok.”

“Ok.”

* * *

It was the same restaurant from the first time and Bucky kept talking to a server named Ben who would give Y/n the stink eye until Bucky said that she had a legitimate reason for not showing up the first time.

“Wow, he really hates me,” Y/n joked.

“Yeah well, apparently I made an impression.”

“Did you leave him a big tip?” Y/n took a sip of her water.

“Hell yeah. But it’s fine, it was Stark’s money anyway.” Bucky shrugged and Y/n laughed at him.

They talked until their food came and it seemed like Bucky always had some sort of story that he hadn’t told anyone yet about Steve being a little punk back in the day. Y/n told him a story about Natasha that Y/n had sworn to take to the grave but she made Bucky swear to never tell anyone, he did. But Y/n had a feeling that it would come up at some point. Probably at their wedding.

The thought of marrying Bucky was exhilarating and terrifying. Terrifying because she shouldn’t even be thinking about marrying him this early. Should she?

She looked down at her dinner plate and played around with her unfinished food.

“You went quiet,” Bucky said.

Y/n looked up at him realizing that she’d been in the middle of a sentence when she’d stopped talking.

“Yeah, I just -” she paused and looked at Bucky. Really looked at him. And before she could stop herself the words came tumbling out of her mouth, right in the middle of him taking a drink of water. “I’d like to marry you.”

Bucky choked on his water.

“I’m sorry,” she rushed. “And I’m not saying that it has to happen any time soon or at all. I’m just saying that if you want to sometime down the road I could see myself marrying you. But if that’s not really your thing I get it and I can just never speak of this ever again. Actually, ya know what? Let’s never speak of this again. I mean, damn, Y/n this is your first date with him calm down -”

“Y/n!” Bucky cut her off. “I’d liked to marry you too. Whenever you’re ready, I’m yours as long as you’ll have me.”

“Well, I’m not letting you go anytime soon.”

They sat there for a minute and smiled at each other completely silent. Bucky opened his mouth to say something but Y/n’s phone started ringing obnoxiously. She looked at the caller ID normally she’d just send it to voicemail but the name told her not to do that.

“It’s Sam,” she told Bucky, “It could be important.”

She looked at him and he nodded so she answered.

“Sam, you know I’m on a date right?” She hoped that her teasing manner would make this phone call less scary but when Sam spoke those hopes flew out the window.

“You and Bucky need to get back here now,” Sam urged.

“Why what’s wrong?” Y/n asked as she waved over their server who came. “Can we get the check, please?”

Ben nodded and went to get it.

“The hostages were exposed to a chemical and we need to check the both of you out.”

Y/n looked over at Bucky who began coughing again, thinking about it, he hadn’t really stopped all day.

“We’ll be there soon.” Y/n hung up the phone and grabbed the card handing it to Ben and asked him to be quick an emergency came up.

Ben was back as quickly as he’d gone and Bucky followed Y/n as she rushed out of the restaurant.

“What happened?” Bucky asked as they walked to the car.

“We have to get back, there’s a possibility we’ve been exposed to something.”

“What?” 

They got in the car and Bucky started driving as quickly as he could. 

“Sam didn’t say but by the tone in his voice -” Y/n looked over at him, “It sounded bad Bucky.”

* * *

Y/n sat on the exam table and listened to her test results.

“You’re all clear,” Dr. Cho said turning off the tablet and handing her a bottle with three pills in it, “take these over the next three days just to be sure but you’re out of the woods.”

“Thank you, Dr. Cho.” Y/n hopped off the table. “Do you know where Bucky is?”

“Y/n,” Sam called from behind her. She turned around and instantly wished she hadn’t. He looked defeated like he’d drawn the short straw. “He’s over here.”

Y/n followed Sam to a different room in the med-bay where a different doctor told her. Once the words ‘I’m sorry’ came out of the doctor’s mouth she didn’t hear what they said. But the look on the doctor’s face told her everything she needed to know.

“You can go be with him,” was the next thing she heard and Sam opened the door for her.

Bucky laid in the bed he looked so small. He looked over at Y/n and smiled weakly.

“You were fine an hour ago,” she whispered.

“Yeah well,” Bucky said and it broke Y/n’s heart. “Hey, come here.”

She walked over and stood next to his bed. He pulled her closer and she sat on the bed facing him. The beeping of the heart monitor was driving her crazy so she turned the volume down so it was an easily ignored background noise.

“Hey,” Bucky reached up and wiped a tear away from her cheek. She hadn’t realized she’d started crying. “So I was thinking, for our next date we do a day trip to coney island or something.”

“Or we could go bowling,” Y/n sniffled. “Or laser tag. I think you’d get a kick out of laser tag.”

“I’ve never been,” Bucky said getting a little choked up.

“Then I’ll definitely kick your ass.” Y/n looked away unable to look at his face.

“Y/n,” he said and used his fingers to gently turn her head to face him again.

“I would’ve married you tomorrow,” Y/n admitted, “I’m pissed that I don’t get to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“But I got to spend mine with you.”

He held her hand and stroked his thumb over the back of her hand.

“I have no idea what I’m going to do,” Y/n sobbed.

“Well, you and I are going to go play laser tag. And I’m going to kick your ass.”

Y/n tried to chuckle but it didn’t sound like one. “You couldn’t if you tried old man.”

“I’m an ex-assassin ya know.”

“I’d still own your ass.”

“I love you,” he said, “I know we never really said that to each other but I do. Much more than I ever thought possible.”

“I love you more.”

“Not possible.” He coughed once and before Y/n thought about it she leaned down and kissed him.

When she pulled away she put her head against his forehead in a way it reminded her of their first kiss. Now the sobs were continuous and she couldn’t control them.

“You, my darling, are much stronger than you think you are,” his breath fanned over her face, “I am not the end of your story. But I am so happy you’re the end of mine.”

“James -”

Bucky’d never heard her call him that before and god did he love it. He didn’t think he’d ever love hearing his given name from anyone’s lips.

“Promise me you’ll take your time.” Y/n nodded at his request and he let out one last sigh. 

Very faintly she could hear the heart monitor’s beeps turn to one continuous beep as his lifeline went flat.

* * *

Y/n woke up in her bed. She didn’t know how she got there or when she’d fallen asleep. What she did know was that when she reached for Bucky he wasn’t there. Still half asleep she sat up in bed.

“Bucky?” She called out to him expecting him to be in the bathroom or something.

“Y/n.”

She whipped her head around to find Sam sitting in the chair next to the bed. And it all came rushing back to her. She broke down in sobs pulling her knees to her chest.

“Hey,” Sam said and sat next to her. Y/n wrapped her arms around him and taking her initiation as invitation he followed her lead.

“What-” she paused to find her voice again, “What are you doing in here?”

“Barnes said that you didn’t like to wake up in a dark room alone and I didn’t know how long you’d stay asleep.”

Y/n wanted to smile at that but she couldn’t. Instead, she let out a heart-wrenching sob and let Sam rock with her as she cried.

“What do we do now?” Sam asked.

Y/n didn’t have an answer, she wished she did. She wished she could say something that would put him at ease even for just a moment but she couldn’t. The only thing she knew for sure was that Bucky’d been her lifeline for so long, and because of the promise she’d made to him, she’d find a new one.

[emilyxvalentyne]

Alcoholic Love CH

A/n: So this is my first ever series so please bare with me. I may not be the best but I’m trying so please leave some positive feed back. Don’t let this flop please.

Disclaimer: This is just some good old classic fiction. I am not involved or do I know anything about the character used in this.

Warnings: not really any in this one but for the (series) there is going to be some of the following: alcohol abuse, drug abuse, cursing, depression, anxiety.

Summary: CalumXgirlfriend theres a rough patch in the relationship Calum has become distant, she slowly turns to drugs and alcohol to numb her pain.

A/n: please don’t let this flop!! Give me some tips on how to better it or if you have any ideas for me.

…………

I woke up to the bed empty this morning, I heard some noise going on downstairs so I assume Calum is still here. I got out of bed and put some socks on trying to avoid the cold floor. I made my way down stairs and into the kitchen. I saw Calum making some coffee. I slowly made my way behind him wrapping my arms around his torso resting my head against his back, he tensed up against my touch but didn't respond to it. I sighed and moved away from him walking over to the fridge, grabbing the butter, jam and orange juice. I set them on the counter next to Calum, who was sitting on a stool drinking his coffee and texting someone on his phone. I turned away from him and stuck some bread in the toaster. Calum seemed to be entertained with his phone to pay me any mind. I leaned my side in to the counter keeping me up on my propped elbow. I stared at Calum trying to read his face. Lately it's just been nothing but him working or going out, this is probably the longest we have been in a room together in about three weeks. He was dressed up as if he was about to head out. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad that he was going out. I've tried talking to him about it but all he says is that he doesn't have time to talk about it or that he was to tired. I felt sad whenever I was alone here in our home, of course I went to work and did some college classes but whenever I got home to an empty house (besides duke) it always depressed me. I was pulled out of my thought when my toast finally popped up. I took out a butter knife and smeared the butter and strawberry jam on the golden squares. I poured some juice into a glass and put everything away. I pulled out the stool next to Calum and sat down. I felt Calum's stare burn into the side of my face as I sat there eating my toast.

'Do you want some of my toast?' I slide my plate over to Calum finally making eye contact with him. His eyes were dark and unreadable, but I could sense he was annoyed. Calum rolled his eyes and got up placing his mug into the sink. I felt as if he was almost annoyed with my very existence.

'No im heading out' I heard Calum mumble as he stared walking towards the living room. I followed I never ask Calum where he went anymore so I could avoid him getting mad but now I was kind skeptical on where exactly he was going. Calum was crouched down petting dukes head.

'Heading out where?' I asked more to myself rather then to him. I could practically see him rolling his eyes. He stood up and glared over at me.

'I'm just going out, God do you need to know where I am like your my mom' Calum was now heading up to our room I was right behind him following him into the closet where he continued to look for shoes.

'I never ask you where you even go anymore because you get mad all the time' I stood there in front of him as he sat on the bed tying his shoes.

'Well then why do you ask its just a waste of my time and yours' Calum was now putting on some cologne. He looked extremely agitated with me but at this point I could care less.

'Because I was wondering what time you would be home so we could hang out you know it's been a while since we-' I was cut off by Calum chuckling he stared at me as if I was stupid.

'Look I really don't have time for all of this right now I have to get going' calum said as he stared walking past me. But I reached forward to grab his wrist.

'Are you seriously to busy to even hang out with me? What has gotten into you, huh? All you do is go to rehearsal and go out with your friends, you seem to never have time for me, your girlfriend anymore' I looked into his dark eyes trying to see anything but all I could see was annoyance.

'Oh my god, fine then be ready by 6' Calum pulled his arm back and walked out of the room. I followed not wanting to give up.

'Are you serious, you are taking me out later?' I said before he walked out the front door. He turned around stood directly in front of me towering over me. I felt as if his eyes were burning into my soul, all I wanted to do was step back but I felt locked into place.

'Yes, I'll be back later' Calum reached forward and and caressed my cheek and leaned in placing a kiss on my forehead. He then turned out the door shutting it closed with a loud thud. I was left in the same position as he left me in. Confused his kiss didn't feel right on my skin anymore almost as if he had forced it. I walked back upstairs and into my room where I then laid on our bed. I glanced over to his side of the bed. It was slightly wrinkled as if he only slept on top of the blankets. I wish he was still here, I wish he would spend the day with me, I wish.... I wish he would love me... no he, does love me maybe he's having a hard time at the studio and rehearsal.

I rolled into my side and looked at my alarm clock it was 12:36 in the afternoon. I sat there deciding whether or not to clean the house. After a long sigh I got up and walked over to the laundry basket that of course had only my clothes in it with Calum's clothes all bunched up on the floor around it. 'For the last time the clothes goes into the basket' I groaned out loud, I put all the dirty laundry in to the basket and made my way down to the laundry room. I started organizing the clothes and washing and folding. It's amazing how much clothes Calum goes through in one week. After about an hour and a half of washing and folding I finally finished and fed duke and washed the dishes. The rest of the house was basically clean since I clean it almost everyday. I sat on the couch finally checking my phone. I responded to a few text and checked the time it was 3:17 I groaned and decided to watch tv. I flipped through the channels while duke laid on my lap.

'You understand me right' I spoke to the little furry dog that laid on my lap. Duke just continued to chew on his bone. 'Why is your owner such an asshole sometimes' this time duke looked up and whimpered almost as if he understood what I said

'But I love him just as much as I love you' I ruffled his fur and kissed his head. I got up finally making my way to take a shower and getting ready to go out with Calum.

I put on a two piece set with some sandals I curled my hair and sprayed myself with Calum’s favorite scent on me. My makeup was done and now it was just a waiting game.

6:30 rolled around at this moment he could just be late. I let duke go out into the backyard I watched him run around then come back inside where he literally stopped to look at me and then he ran back out. I laughed at every little thing he did he really does cheer me up when I’m feeling down. He’s like a best friend but I always wish he could talk that would be cool. I played tug war with him and I always let him win. He made me miss my family and my dog back home.

7:30 rolled around the sun was getting ready to set and there was still no sign of Calum. I knew at this point he wasn’t going to come but a small part of me still had hope. I was mad that I got all ready for him to not even show up but in the end I should have expected this it’s really no shocker. I texted him but it wasn’t the usual ‘hey are you still coming!’ Text. Rather I sent this instead ‘ you could’ve just told me you were busy tonight or not even have told me to get ready for disappointment tonight at all. It probably would have hurt less’. I dragged myself up stairs to change I put on some sweats and a Pink Floyd t-shirt, I slipped my checkers vans on and grabbed my credit card and keys. I decided to just leave my phone I got into my car and went to the local Mexican restaurant I usually go to. I really didn’t want to sit around being sad.

“Well well well welcome back, long time no see” Celia my usual waitress was always to cheerful.

“Yah yah yah I know” I laughed as I took a seat right in front of her as I scanned the menu as if I didn’t know what was on it.

“What will it be hermosa? The usual?” I nodded and handed her the menu.

“Wait Celia can I get it to go and a strawberry margarita to go as well please”

“Of course Emily, I’ll be right back” I scanned the restaurant it was pretty slow for a Friday night usually the place packed with customers.

“Slow tonight because banda MS is in town, how come you’re not there you usually love seeing and going to bailes mija”

“I wasn’t really feeling it tonight I guess” I wasn’t even feeling anything tonight. I didn’t even know my favorite Latin band was in town.

“What’s wrong chula you seem like you have a lot on your mind you know you can tell your momma Celia anything” I really wanted to cry she always made me miss my mom.

“I’m just stressed about school and work that’s all”

“No no I think this something else, do you got boy troubles is it that boyfriend of yours the Australiano” she could always tell what was wrong.

“Yah... he stood me up again I don’t know what to do anymore, god Celia i really love him, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same anymore. It’s like the more I try to talk to him the farther away he gets” tears welted up on my eyes but I held them in.

“Chula you cant force love, sometimes you just have to get up and go. If he is the one for you he will make that clear he will chase after you if he wants you for you because he loves you. And you will see that he wants you because he loves you, you will feel it but if he doesn’t want you then you need to move on and do what is good for you, you have to fall before you can get back up you are young and beautiful and dont forget you are a Latina, nos otras somos fuerte (we are strong) I don’t want to see you all sad next time you come in okay?” I hugged Celia she’s my mom from my home away for home.

“Okay thank you Celia” I paid and tipped her and left I made my way back home to finally eat my Nachos and drink my margarita.

11:30pm rolled by and there was still no sign of him. I always try and try and try. I Put others before myself, and my heart just isn’t ready to let go. I feel as if having this big heart of mine is only a blessing when it becomes an accommodation to other but it’s a curse to my feelings. I put my plates in the sink and my trash in the bin. I switch off the lights and locked up so I can head up to bed.

Another night alone, same bed that made me feel so loved and protected. Now it’s the place where I long for that innocent loving touch